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Something similar happened to me, but you can't put that on yourself. Your mom was an adult and made a lucid choice to not go. Not to say that's her fault for not going, but it's certainly not your fault for not calling 911. It's a part of grieving to think about what you could've done/shouldn't have done, what you could have done differently, etc. Nothing is your fault though.
I would suggest you get into therapy or at least find a good support group. I've found a few groups on Facebook that have helped me to cope with the loss I experienced. So sorry that you're going through this, anon.
I'm not diagnosed with anything but I have PTSD-like symptoms whenever I get into confrontation because of the way my cluster B mother used to aggressively harass and verbally abuse me growing up. It happened whenever I tried to stand up for my almost non-existent boundaries or even mildly disagree with her. She'd have a bad day at work (which was every day cause she was a teacher who hated her job and hated most kids), so she'd come home and take her anger out on me. If I didn't know what to make for dinner, or if I didn't try to make her happy and answer to her perkily, she'd ensue a literal 4-6 hour bitchfest against me where she'd go full circle breaking me down about everything wrong with me and how she was the victim somehow. If I tried to go to my room, bathroom, or anyplace to distance and calm down she'd follow me yelling. Even at her mildest–which was passive aggressive–when I'd walk away she'd talk angrily to herself about me to try to instigate the fighting once more, imagine getting baited by your own parent. Once she got so bad that when I locked myself in the bathroom to call my stepdad about her out-of-control behavior, she heard me talking and busted down the door to yank the phone away and got in my face screeching at me. I slapped her so hard I knocked her glasses clean off her face. She threatened to call the cops and ruin my life and played up like a huge victim, but obv she didn't cause she had no case but to embarrass herself. I remember her bitching at me sometimes from 4-5pm all the way until 9 or 10pm. If I was lucky, her vitriol ended around 7 or 8pm, or she took a nap as soon as she got home so she wasn't in as bad a mood. It didn't happen every day, but at least a few times a week. Maybe once to zero if she was having a good streak. Some people remember their mothers as nurturing and loving, yet I remember mine as a faker and a tyrant.
During confrontation, my throat tightens to the point of discomfort. My mouth becomes incredibly dry, my mind races, and I can't formulate logic then I fumble my words. Tears form in my eyes because of experiencing the aforementioned, mom's mean voice reenters my head, I can feel the other person getting smug because they think I'm weak when I'm silent and look ready to cry. It's like I revert back to a childlike state of just staying silent and freezing because it's too hard to fight with these physical effects and the mental torment.
During arguments I always try to keep on task and address only the points, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to get really personal and start attacking the opponent just like how they made me feel attacked and defensive. Any tips on how to counter this would be appreciated.
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>>141085>Avatarfagging>Pepe reaction .gif
I get if people post too many reaction pics, sure it can be annoying, but its literally a Pepe meme. Like, pretty common in chan culture at this point. It would be different if someone kept posting their gay anime husbando constantly, but pretty lame nitpick here.
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The most autistic users on this site think that because they can pick out two posts from the same person they've identified complete newfaggotry. It's a small board, if you spend too much time on here and remember this much shit about the users then yeah, maybe you will catch "the same anon" posting the same reaction image with the same filename or some shit but at that point kill yourself
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Raped at like 5 years old by what I think was one of my brothers friends (cocsa, they were in their teens/tweens probably) underneath the deck of the back of our house.
All I remember thinking he was cute and always looking at him before that, him asking me some shit like if I want to feel good, it actually feeling good, then afterwards crying in my moms bed.
Not sure if I blocked it out of my memory until 6th grade or if thats just when I started actually thinking about it, but yeah, everything came back to me around there and I started showing ptsd symptoms for the next 3 years or so (around 11-13). Didnt get any help, never spoke about to anyone besides randos online, just became a mess thinking about it a lot before deciding to repress it all. Self harmed and skipped a lot of school cause of it.
Realized small things like the reason why I had a vivd memory of things like getting a body checkup at the doctors but my twin not getting one, the reason why me and my sis moved with our mom the next 2 years, among other things, were probably because of that.
I’m apathetic when thinking about it now, unless I think too hard and get sad/angry.
Aside from that I got groomed online when I was 14 to 16. Luckily it was just roleplay shit, no actual pictures or anything. But it was almost every night for like half a year at one point. Was aware of the situation and felt gross, I knew his age but I never told him mine, so I felt like it wasnt so bad. But on my 16th he asked how old I was, I said guess, he said around 17. yikes. Lost virtually whatever interest I had in him left right there.
My dad died when I was 4 and all I remember about him is him yelling at mom or locking me in my room and telling me snakes were going to kill me.
My mom got with an abusive guy after that and was with him for about 10 years. He moved us to his super rural hometown. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and my siblings (I'm the oldest and still carry weight for not being able to take care of them.) I had to cook, clean, and babysit newborns starting at 8 years old. I was in and out of foster a few times for reasons outside that abuse but I kept my mouth shut and never said anything about how we were treated because I was scared.
Sexual abuse started when I was around 10. I would wake up and he would be drunk and just sitting on my bed, watching me. Eventually he started touching me and I just pretended to sleep. After a while he started putting his hands down my pants and shirt if no one was around if I was sitting at the computer or doing dishes. Just anywhere I might be alone for a second.
It started escalating into him getting very controlling when I was around 13. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone online, I couldn't visit friends, he picked out my clothes or at least would tell me to cover up even for wearing basic t-shirts. I was so scared and miserable all the time. I felt disgusting and hopeless. The few times I gave any sort of push back he acted in very extreme ways. He made me put a glow in the dark star on my head and pointed a gun at me in the dark, he kicked my cat and threw her off the porch, and the last time he just threatened to go into my sister's room instead. I remember him getting angry with me when I started to grow pubic hair. He would pull on it so hard and tell me to shave it off. Another time I came up from the basement because I was playing video games with my brothers and he shoved his fingers inside of me at the top of the stairs to "see if I was wet."
Things kind of came to a head when he had complications related to his diabetes and had to go to the hospital for a few days and my mom went off binge drinking somewhere and CPS got involved once again. I just turned 15 at this point. They ended up taking us and separating us. Somehow a letter from him ended up in my hands and he wrote about how much he loved me and how we could run away together if I could just give him a phone call. I still feel so disgusting, like I allowed everything to happen and it was my fault he felt that way about me.
I reported everything a few years ago, just the other week the case was officially closed due to lack of evidence. Tbh it's what I was expecting but I really thought it might help. It didn't lol, it just brought up everything all over again. I really wish I said something back then. For so long it literally didn't affect me. Once I got out of the situation the only thing I felt was happy to be out of that situation. I am only now reaching out to get proper help.
I am so sorry anon, reading your story made me sick to my stomach and so upset for you. If you ever want to talk or anything, I’m here, albeit anonymous. I went through something pretty similar and parts of your story rang true for me. Seriously just know that you are not alone here.
For me it was my stepdad and it started when I was around 4 or 5. It went on until I finally told my mom when I was like 16, almost 17. I won’t go into gory details because there’s too much and we’d be here for a century. My mom got the law involved and it became a huge mess from there.The case ended up being dragged on for years because of bullshit court reasons or whatever. It happened this year and the result was him being found not guilty due to lack of evidence. I spent years having to dig my trauma back up to recount it to the district attorney and other legal figures involved and get up on the stand and face the motherfucker only to basically be called a fucking liar. I’m so bitter and depressed and…. just a million different negative emotions. That outcome was my worst fear and it became a reality. The only way I can continue on with my life anymore is if I don’t think about it because once I do I just want to kill myself.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. It depends on how far along you both are in your recoveries. Because sometimes it's best to insulate yourself from the trauma but once you have the mental fortitude to do so, the long-term answer is often to address it directly.
If thinking about the trauma is causing panic attacks, depressive thinking, like you cannot touch on it at all without utterly breaking down, then protect yourself with anything that makes you happy. Indulge yourself, be lazy, watch and listen to cheerful and upbeat media and try to talk to friends & family who can help you focus on other things. Remember where you are and that you're safe in the current moment. Look into mindfulness meditation.
When you're doing a task, really be there. Focus on your senses even for mundane shit. If you're doing dishes, how does the water feel? What does it sound like? Does the soap smell nice? The water is reflective. It sounds silly but even activities that are normally boring can become fascinating when you take the time to actually notice everything going on. The bonus being that you'll be fully engaged in the here and now, not thinking about what happened in the past. When you have an intrusive thought, drag your attention to your immediate surroundings and use your senses again. Name things. Green trees. Blue house. Grey street. It smells like dry grass. I hear a lawnmower. The wind is cool. Drag yourself away from the bad thoughts again and again. You may have to do it hundreds of times, but eventually you'll start training yourself to redirect automatically.
If you can think about what happened without completely retraumatizing yourself, then you can start examining it to determine what is really disturbing you. Of course, abuse/assault is innately disturbing on many levels, but how it affects each individual will vary. For example, maybe you feel that what happened to you somehow makes you a filthy or less worthy person. The reality is that you were wrongfully placed in a terrible situation and were not at fault, so you need to rebuild your sense of self worth. Or maybe the trauma is making you fear all situations where you don't have 100% control because it puts you back in that space of feeling vulnerable and believing pain is an inevitability. You would then have to work on reclaiming moments where you're not in control, realizing that they can actually be freeing or positive at times, and develop a healthier outlook. Of course all of this is much easier with therapy. If you don't have access to a therapist then I really recommend looking into self help books by PhDs, especially focused on trauma-based CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
I've posted this in the vent thread in /ot/ but it had no replies.
I am scared to go to work on Sunday (two days from now).
Over the past month and a half, I've gone on a crusade against my pedophilic, ex-coworker from 5 years ago after finding out he'd been applying to grad school for music with a minor in education — which I didn't even know you could do. When I was 17 and he was 24 and we'd just begun sleeping together, he told me stories of other young girls and teenagers having crushes on him. One of which was a seventh-grader that "tried flirting with him" when he shadowed a teacher in undergrad. No way in hell am I going to let him become a teacher, tutor, anything to do with children.
His apologist girlfriend he'd cheated on with me without my knowledge at the time has broken up with him for good and he's been fired from his job working under her daddy's thumb, but only after I left a negative review on Google on Sunday night after never receiving a response to my email.
I still work at the same place we met. He walked in on Tuesday with sunglasses and a face mask on as a lazy disguise to sneak past our bosses that fucking hate him. I'd know him anywhere. We locked eyes across the store while he hovered in the middle stacks to further avoid being seen by the bosses. I knew it was him even with his sunglasses on by the overwhelming gut feeling I got — one I haven't felt since I'd last seen him, 4 years ago, when I was freshly 18.
I ignored him and joked with my manager, cackled loudly with my coworker, and when I had to help a customer, I sauntered down the aisle opposite where he was standing, cut through a break in the bays so that he could watch me walk away from him with my head held high. On the way back up to the front, this customer who's a favorite of the store almost bumped into him. I was trailing behind him. I caught sight of [pedo]'s eyes because he had his sunglasses off. The customer and I were talking and I made moon-eyes at him while I knew [pedo] was boring holes into me. I carried on about my day as if everything were normal, like he wasn't even there.
Eventually he left without buying anything. He never spoke a word to anyone. I won't tell my bosses about this incident (they never saw him, they were running around preparing for a meeting) unless he comes in again. The owner of the store has regularly flip-flopped between victim-blaming me since finding out and declaring that she'd take him around back and beat the shit out of him if she ever saw him again. I know she'd say, "What did you expect? You just ruined his life. Of course he wants revenge."
One of my old coworkers is going to bring me her extra taser at work on Sunday. The nerves are because it's our slowest day of the week and it's just me and one other coworker, the new guy, all day. I got lucky on Tuesday in that [pedo] came in during our busiest time of the day. I was never alone at the front of the store and there were plenty of customers milling around. I never leave work alone because there's always at least 2 of us closing, and my roommate is a coworker so she typically picks me up. I don't think he'd try anything, considering he's too chickenshit to walk in showing his face, but the fear is still there. He'd gotten violent with me a couple of times in the past.
I didn't breakdown over it until 1 AM that night, 11 hours later. I'd gotten high and realized that he might be back in this city for good. I haven't been able to really eat or sleep for days and I've been having weird tremors. The worst part is that a part of my brain was excited. A part of me has missed him all these years.
I've been through the same thing. The body remembers and it can definitely be more difficult to deal with on anniversaries.
This October will be the fourth anniversary since I was raped. The first anniversary was the hardest. I remember asking my therapist if I should take off from work or school on the anniversary of my rape, and she recommended going in and staying busy instead. It helped me to make a plan for the day. Even if you don't have work or school, it might help to focus on your life in the present, and do things that make you feel safe and happy. It's good to work on processing your trauma, too, but I don't think it has to happen on the anniversary. Each year it got easier for me, I already feel this year may be easier than the last. Treatment and time can help. Good luck anon, sending love and hope to you.
I mean, the owner should be more concerned. You can probably sue her if you told her about this threat and she ignores it.
Keep your phone on you and don't hesitate to call 911 to his face if he comes in an looks even slightly aggressive. Use the taser if you have to. You can also film him if he comes in, so there's evidence if he does try to pull something.
It may be awkward, but I would tell your co-worker and let him know that you might need back up. Better safe than sorry.
Today was the day I went back to work and he didn't show. I don't know if he went out of his way to drive 2 hours up here on Tuesday or if he's moved back. If I were to tell my boss and she didn't believe me, I'd have her roll back the security cameras' footage. I gladly took the taser from my old coworker and filled the new guy in on a situation. He's a former teacher and was fucking disgusted, said he'd keep an eye out. I gave my closest coworker his description.
I might have another job lined up soon and I think if I were to get it and tell my bosses about Pedo coming in in the same breath, they'd understand me quitting on the spot.
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I'm having a tough time not snapping at my boyfriend for merely looking at me while naked.
It's hard for me to accept any of his sexual advances towards me, I need to be the one to initiate everything (unless it's cuddles) or else I go into panic mode. Not sure if this is autism or the fact that my biological father diddled me for 8 years and after experiencing a rape from a former boyfriend.
I love my boyfriend, frankly I'm obsessed with him, but I instantly turn into a demon or a really annoyed person when he attempts to show his love and affection. Anything he does feels like assault. I hate that I push him away constantly. I'm scared to lose him after very time I snap.
Christ anon, "I'm sorry" doesn't even cover it. You should never have had to endure such terrible and traumatic experiences.
Does your boyfriend know what you've been through? As someone who has a partner that experienced abuse, simply knowing that his negative reactions were stemming from trauma and not a dislike for me helped and allowed me to not take things personally. If he's aware, he should be able to empathize and be patient if he's the right one for you. I'm a more dominant person sexually and I similarly had to respect that I needed to allow my partner to be the one initiating and maintaining control because he felt too vulnerable otherwise. It was a trade-off I was happy to make when I understood his sense of safety and comfort was on the line. Eventually as we built trust he got more flexible and now I can be the one doing those things as well, so I believe you can overcome this in time and with a considerate partner.
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I thought i was over the triggers from my trauma but my bf did something that triggered me(unintentionally) and it really scared me. I was honestly more scared in the moment that i would always be scared of my bf because he triggered me and i might keep feeling that way than anything.
It's been so long since this has happened. I hate it.
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This one is a stranger one:
I'm deeply afraid of a specific park, LSD visuals, and vision warping. I've had traumatic drug experiences that now give me extreme panic attacks where I feel like I need to go to the ER. It spirals me into fully delusional states where I want to immediately kill myself because I believe that I have already died. I honestly don't know if this is considered as PTSD but holy fuck. I swear I get thrown into this bout of psychosis.
I know this feeling. Happens to the best of us, babe. Be honest with him about what triggered
you - this isn't necessarily to scold him out of doing that specific -thing- anymore, but so that he knows how to look out for you. If you're not ready for that, I just do the 5-3-5 breathing exercise my therapist taught me. (5 second inhale, 3 second holding breath, 5 second exhale_. It's deceptively simple but in the moment it's surprisingly grounding and calming. Wish I could help more. Wishing you the best.
It sounds like you don't have a model for what a healthy display of affection is. Considering the abuse you've experienced, especially at the hands of your father this wouldn't come as a surprise. I would imagine you associate what should be affection as an attempt to abuse you. You could explore and create pathways? Find out what you're comfortable with him doing and direct him on how to do it. If he's accommodating and you do small stuff it could help. >Boyfriend attempts to be affectionate.>you associate these actions with abuse and grooming.>You enter into a defensive mode to protect yourself. >>148069
There's no direct papers that support my theories directly on psychoactive drugs, but there is some relevant papers. It's likely you have an inherent tendency to experience negative interactions very deeply and also default to negative states of mind more regularly. When you took a hallucinogenic drug you kind of fucked yourself and reset a part of your world view to be the traumatic one you experienced during your drug use.
You are a piece of shit, and probably a scrote.
I hope your so or your children abuse the shit out of you and you get trapped in that relationship. And I hope you really are a moid so no one takes your girlfriend abusing you seriously. Rot in hell shithead.
God I've recently read a manga done by a Japanese ex-porn actress where she tells how she got sexually abused by her father and brother when she was a kid. Your post really reminded me of her life. I am so sorry anon.
Her mother also remarried abusive
pedo after abusive
pedo. I may get shit for this but I can't stand mothers like that. Putting their thirst for men or stability before the safety of her children. People like this may not be direct pepretators of abuse but are abusers by proxy. I don't know how you must feel about your mom nowadays but I don't see any justifiable an adult ass woman with children under her care not being able to clock scummy men away and even marrying them for whatever social or personal benefit. These men are always walking redflags for god's sake.
Children being exposed to predators and traumatized like this due to the parents only thinking about themselves breaks my heart and makes my blood oil equally.
I have no relationship with my mom and if I have to talk to her it's only for matters about my siblings. I feel similar to you, I hate her and she makes me feel sick. I once caught her drunk and giggly talking to him on the phone a couple years after the fact. That was the last straw. More recently she actively avoided giving a statement for my case until everything was basically over. God I could go on about how much I hate her but I wanna try to have a chill night kek.
Thanks your taking the time to reply anon. If you think the manga might be cathartic in a way I would like to know the name!
anon I get super stressed when men check me out too, holy fuck. Weirdly enough, my right leg will freeze up too and then I feel even more awkward because I feel like I'm noticeably walking weird and become super aware of it lol.
I talked to my doctor and she told me to focus on something that will instantly distract you until you can move through the intensity of the moment. I'll repeat simple stuff like "green tree" or "stop sign", just whatever I see around me.
It helps me a fair amount. It's such a shitty thing though. Sometimes I feel cute and enjoy looking good, plus I'm super single so it would be nice to enjoy that attention and actually want to try dating. Instead it's just overwhelming and stressful.
Get the fuck away from him. Who is to say that he won't get drunk and do that again?
You can't even be wholly intimate with him. You're supposed to feel love, not fear.
In the end though, only you know what is best for yourself and the actions you need to take.
What happened to you, regardless of the circumstances, was absolutely not okay and I'm so sorry that it happened. I'm sorry that you feel afraid and conflicted.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
Thank you anons… in regards to the blacking out, he was definitely more fucked up than I’ve ever seen. He seemed baffled when I talked to him about it the following day.
What made the whole situation worse, was the fact that I had developed a small crush on our mutual friend and told him about it to clear the air and hopefully work through it. It seemed like he was punishing me for that, or that’s how I interpreted it.
I do see a lot of red flags with him, but at the same time we work together and live together. Breaking up would leave my entire life in shambles. And tbh I have this terrifying fear of being alone…
Sometimes it seems pretty clear that he stalks my internet history and might even have some way of monitoring my phone activity. He’ll drop hints about knowing things from texts that I’ve never even mentioned to him. I always have my phone on me, which is why I think he has some spyware on it.
He has a box full of computer hard drives that he keeps pretty locked down, and he wipes them clean but won’t explain why. At most he says “they’re from old computers”, and he doesn’t want his personal info on them. But there are at least 25 hard drives, and despite him being 44yo I can’t imagine him having 25+ computers. This has been a huge red flag constantly lingering in the back of my head
I've had two exes who were abusive
never to the point of forced rough sex though (get out btw) and one drank and the other was a full blown alcoholic. The first guy didn't need a drink to smack me about. I remember one lunch I came home from work asked him about a simple task he needed to do because I was there to get paperwork he was suppose to fill out to drop off at our estate agents at the time (did not go thru with the purchase after this incident) and he lost it at me. Choked me. Cracked my head on exposed brick in the kitchen while choking me. Threw me on the ground and kicked me, our dog was whimpering for me and scared. I had to go back to work and ask to go home because I was on my probabtion as it was a new job. So humiliating. The guy who did this to me use to work there and was well liked. No one ever offered me condolescences. Sorry for blog post. Point being, he didn't need drink to be violent.
The alcoholic did other substances too. Very volatile. Hard to understand if it was a combination of the drugs and drink or just one or just his mental state about why he was so violent. I will say though, he claims he often would get blacked out. And I do believe him. Even on good nights he would black out and not remember anything. Then some nights he would pretend to be far gone but then would bring up something I had said days later.
It's hard to grasp how much of a contributing factor drink is. I mean I'm sure you yourself have been drunk must of us have. I've never personally experienced blacking out and assaulting someone. Anytime I'm drunk and have a verbal fight I'll remember. Anytime I'm drunk and been hit by a man I've remembered. So objectively I find it hard to let alcohol be used as an excuse for behaviour. Majority of us all get drunk and still remember it's illegal to drive drunk. We all get drunk and remember where we live and how to get home. We don't suddenly forget the laws. It would seem men knowingly the drunk excuse has some negating factor to certain actions they commit. And wow, shocking, those actions usually revolve around abusing woman.
Anyone else has family that tries their hardest to ignore whatever happened to you? Not "hide it under the carpet" ignore, but more "move on and forget it" ignore. I feel like whenever I bring up wanting justice against someone who harassed me as a minor, my parents try and distract me from the topic or try to dissuade me from looking for legal action. I was harassed so badly by one of my teachers I lost 3 years of school because I developed such intense PTSD. It still affects me to this day, and I see regular flare-ups whenever I deal with things that are even mildly school related. It is worth adding that I genuinely believe that they were hurt and suffered because of what I went through, so maybe this is also their trauma flaring up whenever I bring up the topic? I have my hang ups about how they failed to protect me and seek police intervention immediately (I had to hassle them to even make a formal police report), but I do think they were hurt.
How do you deal with it? I'm not exactly in the financial situation to afford a lawyer, I live on my own but I have to depend on them when it comes to this. They constantly ask me what I want out of the case, If I want the guy jailed, to pay a fine, or something else. I'm not really sure. I just want revenge and justice for someone who pushed me so off track in my life. I was lagged back 3 years in school and developed severe PTSD and depression and I'm supposed to just… forget it? Is it not natural for me to want to see that man punished to the fullest extent of the law?
I'm doing somewhat better now, but the fight for my case continues. I'm actively trying to get better each day, but I will see that man punished.
Are you really this fucking stupid or are you just trolling? You’re saying your bf is >middle aged >dismissive of all your interests >tracks your internet usage and text messages>has mysterious collections of hard drives he won’t let anyone see>collects pictures of his fucking TEENAGE NIECE in revealing clothing>BEAT AND RAPED YOU while drunk
and you’re gonna stay with him bc you don’t think he’s “that bad”?
Well if you need a little kick in the pants, I'd be willing to bet you a hundred bucks that the contents of those mystery hard drives is CP. That's what CP collectors do, amass a bunch of hard drives to store it on. And, considering he keeps those risque photos of his niece out in the open and sees no issue with it, if he feels the need to actually hide something, then it's going to be very some serious stuff.
It would be great if before you leave him you could confirm that the contents of those hard drives are CP. Don't let him know you've seen it, tell him you're leaving him for an unrelated reason, and then alert the police once you're out of there.
No one is saying it's easy, but you need to suck it up or else you'll really have no right to complain when he continues to abuse you after sticking with him.
NTA, but you're a fucking bitch. This is the epitome of victim
blaming. It isn't helpful and just makes people suffering from the effects of an abusive
relationship feel worse. You are seriously fucked in the head to read that anon's posts and your first instinct is to respond to her with more abuse,
rather than support and empathy.>>150496
Anon, I honestly think that this man is dangerous enough that you should not be trying to figure out what's on this computer, and should instead focus on developing a plan to leave him. This guy severely abusing you in just about every possible way. Are there any women's shelters in your area? Do you have any
friends that you could potentially go to for help? Also:
>Breaking up would leave my entire life in shambles.
I've been there. It's really hard in the beginning, I won't lie. But I promise it does get better and it beats spending a second longer suffering under the thumb of a psychopath, which your boyfriend 100% is. "Blacked out" my ass. This guy violently raped you. From the sound of it, he's also a pedophile. I would absolutely take legal action against him when it's safe to do so, but I really think you should focus on getting away from him first.
Well, as you say, you're NTA, and the actual anon seemed to understand what I was getting at. I'm not victim
blaming because I'm not blaming her for the abuse. Even if she stays and continues to be abused it's still always going to be her douchebag bf's fault and not hers. I'm merely pointing out that since she has already acknowledged that he's abusive
, it would be a stupid move to stay with him. >>150495
I don't know either. If you're fairly sure there's incriminating content on them you might just be better off handing them directly over to the police to check. After you've left and are safe, of course.
>>150501>it would be a stupid move to stay with him
You seem to have skimmed over the part where she mentioned that she has no means to support herself, and is isolated from friends and family. Abusers tend to put their victims
in this position so that it's harder for them to leave. Obviously the best course of action is to leave him at this point, but it's pretty goddamn tone-deaf to act like the reason she isn't doing so is because she's "being stupid" and just needs a "kick in the pants." The relationship has escalated to the point of rape and physical violence. This guy is clearly dangerous. It's both reasonable and normal for an abuse victim
to be hesitant to leave in this scenario.
There's groups of women like you who can help you when your ready.
Maybe making an escape plan is something you could do right now to keep your safety a top priority?
I believe you can do what you need to be happy and safe.
Same, I got that morbidly curiosity going on and I start to fall into rabbit holes. Would be interesting to know why we do that.
On another note, was anybody traumatized as an adult? I can greatly relate to victims
of csa but it got its own spin to it, and I often don't want to invalidate their experience. I hope I make sense.
I just had my first (almost?) flashback today since months but I kinda caught it before it got worse and I was able to leave the situation.
I'm really sorry you went through that, it really is a form of self harm you're right. Funny because i used to sh physically too.>>150744
Me too lmao. As a kid i was neglected, unloved and isolated but sa happened as a teen and adult. I know what you mean, that it feels different. For me it feels less serious somehow.
But it doesn't feel like morbid curiosity to me at least, i don't really read details and such if i can help it. More like i go straight to what i know feels bad and makes me sick.
>>150747>As a kid i was neglected, unloved and isolated
Same. I guess that's why I can relate so well
The worst thing for me is that when I told mental health professionals, there were like 'oh you were 15? Should've known better' that's why I was kinda 'jealous' of csa victims
From what it's worth coming from an internet stranger, it wasn't your fault. You were just a teen, your brain wasn't even done cooking yet, it was the fault of your abusers and the adults that failed to help even when they studied for it because ugh, what a disgusting response from these "professionals".
I can see why you feel like this, and don't worry i think that's normal, like when i was younger i wished i was hit just so people would have some sympathy and help.
I'm really sorry anon for everything you've had to deal with. I know it feels like you're broken for life and that you'll never be normal and happy. It's really so goddamn awful that little you had to go through so much and come out of it feeling mangled. I hope you're in a safe place right now, if not, I hope you'll get there soon. You just have to see yourself as someone who is not broken or far too gone for change, your brain dealt with so much and it had to cope to survive. If you can manage it, stop watching violent porn, I don't watch any sort of porn now but you can slowly transition to at least less hardcore porn, I think that might be better. It still won't really shut off your brain, I mean every fantasy of mine devolves into gruesome and painful and at that point, I just stop myself, do something else. I feel like my only worth is by giving sex, giving my body to someone and it is how I feel validated or appreciated. I've stopped having sex and being in sexual situations for about 6 months now, I feel it helped me gain a sense of myself outside being sexual and giving pleasure. It has made me feel like my body is my own. I don't know if that makes sense haha. I've not gotten therapy but if you can, if you're able, maybe talk to a trauma specialist? I could help you figure out your thoughts better, and manage emotions better? I hope the best for you anon. I wish I could give you a hug and lend a ear. It's cathartic to give voice to your thoughts. I find that writing my thoughts in a journal help me. Also, reading about others who've had similiar experiences to me who came out of it and got better with help and patience helps me feel like maybe I'm not so hopeless afterall. Take care anon, I wish you the very best
Not sure if this is the right thread to post this in, but I figured since it's trauma related it'd fit.
Is anyone else just completely messed up sexually? I don't mean I'm into weird shit, I mean I don't think I can ever have a normal healthy sexual relationship (or romantic for that matter, but that's a whole other can of worms) with anyone for a myriad of reasons.
I go through periods of hypersexuality and then periods of sex repulsion. I finally realized my hypersexuality was just some misguided attempt to reclaim my autonomy after being sexually violated on multiple occasions, but of course it only traumatized me more, which brings me the current state of sex repulsion. It's confusing because I feel attraction to people, but when I think of actually having sex with them, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I haven't had sex in about a year and half.
I also struggle to see myself as a sexual person. Like, I can't even comprehend the idea of anyone wanting to have sex with me because I feel like a disgusting abomination. I can't quite put it all into words but I just don't feel like I'm meant to be sexual or have sex with anyone? Does that make any sense? Like others are 'allowed' to be sexual, but not me because I'm ugly and mentally ill.
It's all super complicated and is caused by a number of factors I'm sure, like a shame-based religious upbringing, being molested and raped by different people, and also being told I'm ugly by people that were once close to me. I'm not sure what my point is with all of this, just trying to get it down, and see if anyone relates. I'm 24 and have been in two relationships, both of which were abusive, and then just some flings that never amounted to anything where I was using meaningless sex as self harm.
I have the exact same issue. Periods of hypersexuality followed by periods of sex repulsion, and feeling like there's a huge disconnect between what I feel like is "me" and my sexuality. Like I can't fit sexuality into my identity in a way that feels right or natural, it kinda exists as some kind of separate entity.
I have bipolar and dissociative identity disorder so I blame most of my sexual dysfunction on them. I was also on ssri's during the entirety of my teenage years, they pretty much killed my libido and made me unable to orgasm for years after quitting them. Teenage years play an important role in how your sexual identity develops, so there's that.
Idk anon I wish I had some kind of words of encouragement for you, but I don't. Just know that you're not alone. I'm sorry you've had to go through so many terrible and traumatizing things.
Damn, I have a similar issue regarding my father and his girlfriend. For me it's a memory that I'm not sure actually happened and, even if it did, I don't remember if what happened after was innapropriate. It was a turbulent time in my life, I was very young, and they could have just been examining me. But it also wouldn't be surprising actions from him. And I also have memories of telling my mother and she would have killed him so..?
It would definitely explain my sexual perversions, but I prefer to live in ignorance. It's not as if we'll ever know for sure, huh?
I hope it isn't true for either of us, anon.
Okay guys get ready for some fucked up shit.
I have PTSD, anxiety and depression thanks to my alcoholic dad and her mistress turned wife bullying, abusing and threatening me and my mom between ages 17-22.
How it started: Dad stopped coming home, when we called him he was cursing us, drunk af at all times with his enabling buddies and mistress. The enablers each had a mistress they could afford and dad was always proud he got the hottest one.
After we discovered the mistress: He started acting like a born again teenager. He would dress up and do his personal grooming before he went to the mistress house (the rent was being paid by him) and ask my mom if he was looking good enough to please a younger woman. I fucking hate home wreckers for this reason. He would humiliate her in front of me, but mom was strong and smart enough to put up some funds aside and get the fuck out of this situation ASAP. He started to neglect our home, we didn’t have enough food to eat, and he told me that I was too fat (I was not, I was at the lower end of my BMI) and I eat too much. Unlike his beloved sugar baby, who eat little, stays skinny and hot for him, he added. Needless to say, your homegirl spiraled into a decade long eating disorder. When he finally married her, she and my dad would constantly bully me for various things, my weight was the primary reason.
How it ended: Mom got a divorce, she didn’t demand anything, she just left to start a new life. At that time I also started college, and things got worse. I’m assuming the wife contemplated to get rid of me to have him all to herself and her future family. Things went bitter after mom divorced him because dad was pissed off that his ex wife didn’t have any of his shit and moved on. So he took it on me. He told me I have failed him as a child, that he will start another family with a woman who has perfect genes, and things will be much better for him. All the while the woman stood there, nodded and told him “Yes my love, I have perfect genes and our children won’t be damaged.. like her.” It was fucking surreal dude. Idk if he was gaslighted into thinking this way, but I must say this high school dropout sugar baby had a strong influence on my dad. Or, maybe he was a scrote from the beginning. There is so much abuse I’ve suffered because of them, they told me I smell, even though I showered every fucking day, told me that I’m a waste of space, and one day locked me up at home when I was feeling very sick and they refused to get help. They didn’t let me use the phone to call an ambulance, so I secretly made a phone call to my grandma who was close by to get me some help. She was pissed off, very disappointed with dad, and next thing I know he’s driving me to the hospital with nothing but contempt on his face. I stopped visiting him after this.
Now they have two kids. We never talk.
My mom is doing great. She’s an amazing person. I was okay until something triggered my memories and now I’m having flashbacks. I need to get help. I’m embarrassed because I should have moved on at this point, and I’m afraid to tell anyone that I’m having flashbacks. I know it’s not as bad as being sexually abused by a parent, or being a refugee, but I can’t help what I’m going through…..
anon, your reasoning is far too romanticised and you are giving him too much credit. Pornsick scrotes don't care if women, even their mom or sister, dies unless it means his life is less convenient.
He would probably just jack off to your corpse and bitch about you on discord. Anon, don't kill yourself as revenge to some braindead male who won't even care lol
Its cheesy but its like they say, the best revenge is to live well
If by 'can't wait to die young' you mean you intend on turning the tables on him and actually killing yourself… He's not worth it.
I've been in the headspace of almost wanting to die to shock an ex into maybe not abusing every girl he meets… Its an unrealistic expectation. You don't know whether he'll grieve, people often go into denial after deaths in the family (they suddenly remember being soo close and loved up with the now deceased person) you are a whole person in your own right, you have value. Your life should never be sacrificed to try and teach a frustrating scrote some lesson he'll likely dodge. And it's the same bs he pulled on you so don't stoop to that sick way of thinking.
I remember reading a true crime book about a serial rapist (and murderer) where one of his victims
escaped only because he pulled down her underwear and he was disgusted at the sight of her bloodied sanitary towel… This man had brutally murdered something like 20 women but menstrual blood was a hard limit.
I’m so sorry, anon. I hope you’re able to find more peace in the future.
One of my exes once raped me while I was really high, and the physical movements made me have to throw up. She stopped so I could puke in a garbage can and that was apparently enough for her to decide she didn’t want to fuck anymore. I know that isn’t the same as what you experienced, but I remember that feeling of “if this hadn’t happened, who knows?” and I know how bad it sucks. Sending you lots of love.
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I wish every anon here peace in their lives and love. You can do it! Pic is me and fellow anons supporting you
When I was in middle school I was e-groomed by a college-aged guy. It really fucks me up. I hate myself for it so much. Seriously, the “relationship” began with him saying saved and was “gonna fap lol” to a face reveal I made. I was naturally disgusted and scared at first, but the more he gave me attention the more I got used to it and wanted more attention. It eventually evolved into something obsessive, we’d call in the early hours of the morning every night, and we’d always be doing sexual things. This went on for a little over half a year. He was super into weird loli fendom too, and I still have trouble asserting myself with ANYTHING to this day because it reminds me of the stuff we’d act out.
Of course I told him everything I could about myself to him, but he on the other hand remained anonymous. He knew my address… meanwhile I didn’t know anything besides his voice, he was in college, and what his gross dick looked like.
I just feel so fucking stupid for being played and still being mad about it (this was about 5-6 years ago) I know I was a child, but man, he can every red flag known to man. I knew it was wrong…. so why did I stick with it? All because I craved attention, I was so pathetic.
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You could try doing MDMA together. Seems like bizarre advice but it really helped me with accepting past abuse and getting closer with my SO. That's also why they're researching it as a PTSD treatment. I really recommend looking into it.
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Have you written a crisis plan? Normally they’re used by professionals but making one for you/your loved one to use could be helpful. You can Google templates and make a personalised one to suit your needs. The basic idea is to list signs that indicate you’re unwell, things that could help, things that won’t help, actions you will take, etc. Write it when you’re well so when you’re not, it’s easier on both of you. You could also make flashcards as a simple way of communicating, like “I’m angry” or ‘I’m thinking about X (negative thing)”. It’s not the same as talking but it’ll give the other person some insight and allow them to help you better.
Sorry pic rel is shit quality but it’s the best example I found.
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I literally don’t think I can survive without my maladaptive daydreaming anymore. If I’m not having imaginary arguments or bloodthirsty power fantasies / revenge scenarios I’m hanging out as a super cool
self-insert with my favorite characters or ships, either as a friend or as their adopted daughter. I’m sex repulsed so it always has to be platonic but extremely loving and affectionate. I’ve been doing this since childhood and I don’t think I can stop.
AYRT here. I see where you are coming from but I don't agree. Yes it's wonderful to connect with people and feel different things IRL but, more often than not, one's experiences will be tedious and disappointing if not outright traumatic. For those unwilling to undergo the risk, daydreaming is the best alternative. Personally I think it's a superior option all around, considering that in daydreams the genuinely impossible is just an impulse away.
I understand that it's weird and sad to think there are people content to live in their heads. I'm just not interested in the real world.
Anon this is me to a T. I was a lonely kid so I've been doing it as a coping mechanism since childhood and it just stuck with me. It's definitely been filling in connections that I lack with real people but I've been traumatized enough times in abusive
relationships (platonic, professional and romantic) not to reach out to anyone anymore. I have a nice career and I'm a functional adult in my early 30s but I don't think I'm fully capable of loving anyone or experiencing the same range of emotions I do while daydreaming. I've sort of accepted that I'm going to be this for the rest of my life and I guess it's okay. It's actually a relief to hear other people doing this. It's such a huge part of my life to the point I remember more scenarios that I've created in my head than actual IRL memories.
The only thing that's actually damaging me is that during a high stress situation I tend to dissociate and automatically start daydreaming imaginary scenarios between my stupid OCs etc. Like I literally leave the real world for a moment to cope with the stress that a social interaction is causing me. >>171578
I relate to this so much it hurts even though it is pitiful that I'm still jobless and friendless I recently got my GED but it doesn't help how I still feel empty and depressed,I will just be a empty shell without my maladaptive daydreaming,it's more than that it's paracosm.no real people involved just made up characters.
I'm sex repulsed too and I definitely don't plan on ever having sex since I'm incapable and men nowadays are pure shit
After years of lying to myself thinking that everything was fine and that I was recovering from a "difficult relationship", I just received a diagnosis of PTSD from abuse and rape during a consultation for depression.
I am utterly broken and lost after this diagnosis by my psychiatrist. It's not really surprising but I think I avoided facing reality and tried to live a "normal" life. I have to face it ow and it's not a pleasant moment. Euphemism.
But now it's the lockdown, and I am unable to physically escape reality or go out for fun and connect with the world. I feel trapped and fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms over and over again: intense daydreaming, pathological reading (including some bad but relatable fanfic), violent and hardcore porn, listening to loud repetitive music and I started to abuse some sleeping pills and killerpain when I definitely can't sleep. I have a difficult relationship with the outside world, every news scared me or made me feel like shit. It is very difficult for me to find a job because of this. Looking for an employment feeds my self-loathing and makes me panic. In addition, I live with super nice roommates, but they are unaware of my situation. So I feel again like I have no privacy and I am tired to constantly hide and control myself.
Usual methods like meditation or sports are not working at all right now. Do you have any advice when the anxiety and intrusive memories come back and to get out those harmful coping mechanisms ? I am currently in therapy, take some medication but since it is a free medical center, follow-up is very slow and I only have an appointment every two weeks or so.
I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this anon. There are likely more things you can do in the outside world than you think. Whenever you feel the desire to do something unhealthy, try to recognize it and replace it with something positive. Even if it doesn't really "connect" at the time and doesn't make you happier, it's still better than going back to familiar but damaging things that will keep you in the same emotional state. Go for a walk in a park. Take some pictures of pretty things you see, even if it's only with a phone camera. Try something new like painting. Journal how you're feeling. Go thrifting. And don't self isolate even further. You might desire privacy, but frankly you're something of a liability to yourself right now. Go out to do something with your roommates, let them know what's going on as much as you're comfortable sharing, even if it's just, "Hey quarantine has been driving me a bit crazy, you want to go for a walk together?" Get out of your own head for a bit so you can't lose yourself in hurtful thoughts. Also, you don't have to wait for therapy to work on yourself. You say you're dealing with self loathing so I would read books on recovering from abuse like It's My Life Now: Starting Over… by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Life, Reinvented: A Guide to Healing from Sexual Trauma by Erin Carpenter. Even if you can only read a few pages a day, that's better than nothing and it will be part of a more comprehensive healing process.
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A few months ago my Narc Dad kicked my Mom and I out of my childhood home because we were around too much for his liking. We're staying at a family friend's house and I've been sleeping on an air mattress for 4 months but of course but of course he's absolutely shocked that I do not wish to spend more of my free time with him anymore. He was also shocked my mom asked for a divorce; though I think that's a front and he's wanted us gone for years because for a Narc everything has gone extremely smoothly. She asked about a month ago and he hasn't had any blowups yet because we've let him think he's winning. Honestly fine with me, as he doesn't have financial control over me anymore and I'll never have to talk to him again within the coming months.
Admitting that everything I felt at the time was real, like the pain and the constantly suicidal thoughts and the brainfog, and not just me being weak and crazy is extremely freeing. It's also made so many other things from my past much clearer. Just talked about this in another thread but I forgot this one exists. The Pandemic has really made me realize just how much I miss my ex. I missed him before the world seemed to end but it's only snowballed from there. He had a very similar traumatic upbringing and we connected deeply because of it. He's one of the only people I've felt a real and deep connection with, and honestly the only person I felt like I didn't have to guard my full true self from. We connected over things not trauma related too, but the abuse survivor aspect gave me a sense of validation I haven't felt since. It's something I feel is very hard to explain to other people, because both of us had really some really bad moments and it ended badly, but he is not a bad person. It's very easy to just fully write him off because, while what he did was shitty, I can see now a lot of it was a major trauma response and he has apologized for it. I should clarify that he has never repeated anything like physical or sexual abuse towards me, it's just we were both very extremely emotionally volatile during the relationship but in the same way. People pleasers, avoid arguing at all costs which builds resentment, trying to talk about certain topics would cause shutdowns in him and narc rage in me. For most people I feel these would be dealbreakers, a sign of an unsuitable partner, but I relate to that struggle so much that I feel like I can't just write him off as a fuckboy. It's so hard knowing that what you're doing is wrong, or harmful to both them and you, but you can't stop because that's the only way you know how to survive. We were both very, very broken people trying to heal. I don't know how to explain that to normal people.
We've been broken up for a few years, and I think we've both healed a lot from where we were back then, but he has a new girlfriend and is far away from me. We talk sometimes, mostly memes, but when I told him everything that went down with my Dad last October he was so supportive and understanding. My last boyfriend would just laugh at me and say I had 'Daddy Issues'.
>>175567>but my therapist kept saying I should try posting to reddit
seek another therapist, jesus christ what the fuck
reddit is the last place to go for anything sex-related as a woman
A male therapist who directs you to a male cesspit of a site to share your rape story…might not be the best therapist for this situation.
I've always stuck to female therapists given the similar nature of my issues. When you've been sexually abused you generally live with this fear that any other men hearing your story will only secretly get off in hearing the details. That's a super common concern, something that your therapist should be aware of.
I wouldn't demonize reddit and anon's therapist like that. From my experience, if anon posts in female-oriented sub she will be meet with support.
This said, it feels uncomfortable that he pushes her to relive the trauma, it's clearly too early. I have some good experiences with good male therapists but I don't think I would be able to trust someone who is not a woman with a traumatic experience which is so closely connected to what being a woman is like.
Strap in for a long one.
I'm only just realising that I was groomed by someone online when I was 16. He was a bipolar, unemployed 22 year-old from another country and we met through WoW. His bipolar swings were so out of control and he made me feel responsible for him and his depressive episodes which is why I probably stayed and tried to "fix" him or whatever. We had a lot of Skype sex and at the time I was told all the normal grooming shit like "oh you're just mature for your age" and shit like that. What creeps me the fuck out is he'd ask me to pose in different ways for him which I was very flattered by as a young, dumb teenager. He admitted to screenshotting me naked which is fucked my CP pics are probably floating around out there. My parents were clearly worried out of their fucking minds but didn't really think it was sexual. I even bought a plane ticket to go see him, and he said he'd only introduce me to his family as a "friend visiting for a bit" which I thought was fine but clearly that's fucking suspicious. One day he ghosted me and completely cut contact with me and a lot of his family. I think my parents caught wind and verbally interrogated him in one of our Skype calls, then did some online digging themselves and either threatened him online or reported him in to his country's police because he cut contact on everything and stopped using his old Steam, Skype and Facebook accounts, making new ones under a different name, he clearly was trying to hide. I wouldn't be surprised if he's killed himself by now seeming how bipolar he was, and honestly this probably sounds so messed up but I hope he dies a really horrible death and doesn't bother a single woman/girl ever again. I developed a lot of trauma from the year I dated him and I'm still carrying some of that baggage into my mid-20s. If my parents did intervene, I know my teenage self would have been so pissed off but I am eternally grateful as an adult.
Whilst I've worked through a lot of that trauma in therapy, it scares me is how common this sort of online grooming thing seems to be for women around my age, at that time. I've heard quite a few women tell me they had similar experiences and the fact it is so rampant makes me hate men so much.
No doubt he’s awful tbh. But >I can’t wait to die young
You guys both are so extreme and full of hatred.
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I become obsessively attracted to men when I form a relationship of any kind with them. From 20-60 year olds, I’m always awaiting them to start touching me randomly or to solicit me. It’s not because I think I’m a bombshell succubus. I don’t know. Probably because of my early exposure to torture porn or lacking a father figure, likely both.
I just need help
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I think I have COVID trauma and I feel so retarded for even typing that because it makes me feel like a Tumblr kid being overdramatic. I had preexisting childhood trauma and an anxiety disorder before everything went to shit. I work at a grocery store and even before COVID the job was too much for my anxiety and I could barely function at work, so apocalypse retail was really really hard on me. I feel stupid because it ended up not being the end of the world but like the first couple weeks of lockdown in my country were genuinely terrifying. Maybe that’s a bit melodramatic but customers were so fucking insane, I was afraid I’d get assaulted at work over the toilet paper. They put pamphlets and everything up in the break room about what to do if attacked by a customer and it was so fucking bleak. There was one called like "It's Not Your Fault: Self-Care After an Altercation with a Customer" and I wish I had taken a photo because it was the most blackpill thing I've ever seen.
Anyway ever since early March I’ve been feeling so paranoid and anxious and I feel like it’s an anniversary reaction. It better be an anniversary reaction because if it’s not I’m becoming schizo or something lol. I’ve had a couple panic attacks at work and like it’s not even bad at work anymore, I just get them out of nowhere. And I can’t watch the news because anything about the variant strains makes me spiral. And I feel so whiny and insane for even feeling this way because I know it wasn't bad enough to traumatize a 'normal' person so clearly I like, purposefully induced trauma in myself by being dramatic and overly sensitive.
You're not being over dramatic anon, please don't be so hard on yourself. I feel the same. I think many many people do, but don't want to admit it because there's no simple solution…
I live on a busy street, I don't think I'll ever forget the insane fear I felt when I looked out the window during lockdown and saw that street empty, it's a small moment but I really felt like the world was ending and I was helplessly watching a tsunami wave approaching me.
This is the defining global event of our generation and its normal to let it affect you.
I'm finally going through actually good therapy which I've been putting off for years and have realized that my mom was physically abusive
and that does still affect me. It was culturally normal to get "whoopins" but apparently she went way further than spankings (hitting the face, always out of anger, dragging me by the hair, etc). I thought since she never left long term marks it wasn't beatings but it was. I can function generally find but I have cripplingly low self esteem and am a people pleaser and toxic
perfectionist because I'm terrified of conflict. Any time someone criticises me even in good normal constructive ways my dumb lizard brain thinks they're angry and going to yell and hit me.
I love my mom and know she's fucked up from her own dysfunctional childhood but what she did still hurt me. I thought it was okay because she genuinely regretted what she did and would hold me and apologize but after reading about child psychology that's even more confusing to a child. I hate that that has damaged our relationship and it's frustrating that even though she regrets it she doesn't understand why I sometimes lash out when she uses a particular tone of voice. It was how she used to talk before she blew up when I was a kid so now I just become blindingly angry myself when it happens. I feel like a monster because I lash out and yell and I'm afraid of what I might do with a partner in the future.she stopped beating me and only occasionally hit me after when I was 11 because I got bigger and started hitting her back
I feel responsible for fixing everyone too, and I know I have to be careful because I'm drawn to toxic victim
I'm glad to be addressing it in therapy- I went for CBT for adhd and my therapist listened to my thought processes and noticed that there was something else going on too.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
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I'm shocked that nobody mentions this about the book
I also like how she smoothly plays off these men trying to hook up with prostitutes as "just boyz being boyz~" when they supposedly have women they love with all their hearts back home.
>They exchanged pictures of their families and girlfriends… They got drunk together and chased the same Vietnamese bar girls.
If that's the only type of "love" males are capable of, ready to fuck a commodified human at a moment's notice even when they already have a partner, I'll pass.
>>181501>I'm shocked this gets so many accolades.
Same, this book is being recommended EVERYWHERE. Even among (radical) feminists, who in my opinion really should know better. I understand that the rest of the book might be extremely helpful, but it's weird that it's recommended without any disclaimer. Who knows what other harmful passages may be in it? I'm not for censoring works from the past in order to not offend current sensibilities, but since it's a book for victims
of trauma, I wished there was some revised version specifically for patients. They don't deserve to be directly compared to their abusers. The med professionals can keep reading the original though kek. Or IDK, maybe a new book should be written based on the valuable content from The Body Keeps The Score and modern psychology research. I don't think that a self-help book with such harmful content should be considered a go-to material for trauma victims
I can't relate on the stress of possibly being physically attacked in person, and I'm so sorry that you dealt / are dealing with that. I work customer service as part of my job online but sometimes I can't bare the idea of having to log in in the morning, I get stomach butterflies thinking about having to deal with bad customers. Last month I had a customer threaten to harass me and kept making new accounts just to throw insults. I've had therapy for childhood trauma but I didn't think something like my job would trigger
my fear of being berated. I'm moving back home soon so I'm hoping I can take a few weeks off just to rethink what I want to do or how I'm going to handle it better.
Just a weird trigger I want to get off my chest.
Fucking vacuums. It's so stupid to me. I know why, and I understand why - growing up, my mom had a lot of chronic pains and issues with her back so she never did things like vacuum, she delegated that to me most of the time. So hearing the sound of a vacuum when I or my brothers weren't cleaning meant that she was awake and angry. She only ever vacuumed when she was angry.
I didn't even realize it triggered anything outside of the context of being at my parent's house until I spent the night with my friend when I was 17 and her mom vacuumed the floor above my friend's room. I can't even describe what it felt like, looking back. When I dissociate, it's like playing a VR game. Even while dissociating hard, I had to stay functional or else worse things could happen. But being in an environment that my brain perceived as "safe" - i.e., away from my mother, it's more like I stopped being able to rationalize anything. Those five minutes of vacuuming are engraved into my brain. I couldn't do anything. Luckily my friend and I had already chilled out for the evening at that point, her being on her phone and me hanging at the side of her bed looking out her window watching whatever last bit of dusk there was left. I couldn't think at all, and I was mortified that my friend would talk to me, and I wouldn't be able to talk back, or even understand what she was saying - but at the same time I couldn't even feel the fear I was experiencing. It's stupid to say, but it's like my entire existence was replaced with the sound of a vacuum upstairs for those five or so minutes. I kept trying to think and rationalize it, that I wasn't at home and this was my friend's mom, but I couldn't think. It's like I forgot language entirely. Desperately trying to cling onto some word, any word or sound, but nothing was there. Just what was around me, and that noise.
It's a ramble, but I don't know why I can't forget that. I've forgotten most all of what I experienced at the hands of my parents and still have a good relationship with them. Still very close with the friend in question, too. But that moment won't leave me, and as much as I hate how horrible my memory is, it's the one thing I want to forget. It's not even the worst I've felt due to things like dissociation or panic attacks. I don't know why it's stuck with me. I just wish it would go away.