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File: 1591153234392.jpg (51.5 KB, 640x853, tumblr_5d539c0ca80c07e9916201c…)

No. 140946

Haven't seen a thread about this yet, so, any tips/discussion with dealing with trauma that still affects you today?

Discuss any specific or odd triggers you may have, how you cope (regressing, etc.), any other conditions you have that may be associated with your trauma, etc.

No. 140967

I have trauma from being choked by my mom (the only time she has been physically abusive with me).i had drank red wine right before that, and could still taste it in my mouth when I was calling the cops, and whenever I drink it I go back to that moment. It’s good that I think red wine is nasty as fuck anyway, so I don’t really drink it anyway.

No. 140986

My mother died suddenly about a year ago. I told her that day she should go to the ER but she didn't listen. I should've just called an ambulance myself. I tried my best to resuscitate her and while doing so, I saw what I can only describe as the face of death. It's something I can never get out of my head. Then EMS crew came and they were shit. They left trash everywhere, they point blank told me your mom's dead. I had to tell my brothers, one on his birthday.

Her death was ruled natural causes but I noticed something up a month prior. I had the chance to save her and I didn't. It really fucks me up.

No. 140992

Something similar happened to me, but you can't put that on yourself. Your mom was an adult and made a lucid choice to not go. Not to say that's her fault for not going, but it's certainly not your fault for not calling 911. It's a part of grieving to think about what you could've done/shouldn't have done, what you could have done differently, etc. Nothing is your fault though.

I would suggest you get into therapy or at least find a good support group. I've found a few groups on Facebook that have helped me to cope with the loss I experienced. So sorry that you're going through this, anon.

No. 141057

Been diagnosed with PTSD from sexual assault and being raised by a violent creepy man. I've been in therapy for a little over a year now, I'm not exactly where I want to be mental-health wise yet but the progress I've made is fantastic. I bounced around a lot from therapist to therapist for a couple of years before being recommended one that specialized in helping sexual abuse victims.

She encourages me to, I guess, regress in very controlled and productive ways. It's mostly about "parenting" myself and breaking self-destructive habits and behaviors I developed because of my trauma. It feels a little stupid at first but it's been really helpful in my healing process.

We were about to start EMDR to lessen my reaction to triggers before the pandemic began, do any anons have experience with EMDR?

No. 141076

I'm not diagnosed with anything but I have PTSD-like symptoms whenever I get into confrontation because of the way my cluster B mother used to aggressively harass and verbally abuse me growing up. It happened whenever I tried to stand up for my almost non-existent boundaries or even mildly disagree with her. She'd have a bad day at work (which was every day cause she was a teacher who hated her job and hated most kids), so she'd come home and take her anger out on me. If I didn't know what to make for dinner, or if I didn't try to make her happy and answer to her perkily, she'd ensue a literal 4-6 hour bitchfest against me where she'd go full circle breaking me down about everything wrong with me and how she was the victim somehow. If I tried to go to my room, bathroom, or anyplace to distance and calm down she'd follow me yelling. Even at her mildest–which was passive aggressive–when I'd walk away she'd talk angrily to herself about me to try to instigate the fighting once more, imagine getting baited by your own parent. Once she got so bad that when I locked myself in the bathroom to call my stepdad about her out-of-control behavior, she heard me talking and busted down the door to yank the phone away and got in my face screeching at me. I slapped her so hard I knocked her glasses clean off her face. She threatened to call the cops and ruin my life and played up like a huge victim, but obv she didn't cause she had no case but to embarrass herself. I remember her bitching at me sometimes from 4-5pm all the way until 9 or 10pm. If I was lucky, her vitriol ended around 7 or 8pm, or she took a nap as soon as she got home so she wasn't in as bad a mood. It didn't happen every day, but at least a few times a week. Maybe once to zero if she was having a good streak. Some people remember their mothers as nurturing and loving, yet I remember mine as a faker and a tyrant.

During confrontation, my throat tightens to the point of discomfort. My mouth becomes incredibly dry, my mind races, and I can't formulate logic then I fumble my words. Tears form in my eyes because of experiencing the aforementioned, mom's mean voice reenters my head, I can feel the other person getting smug because they think I'm weak when I'm silent and look ready to cry. It's like I revert back to a childlike state of just staying silent and freezing because it's too hard to fight with these physical effects and the mental torment.

During arguments I always try to keep on task and address only the points, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to get really personal and start attacking the opponent just like how they made me feel attacked and defensive. Any tips on how to counter this would be appreciated.

No. 141077

File: 1591280122663.gif (2.63 MB, 640x640, tenor (5).gif)

>imagine getting baited by your own parent
>mom's mean voice

No. 141079

Why are you avatarfagging all over lolcow with pepe memes? You're being obnoxious and I don't even get what you're doing with the greentext tbh.

No. 141081

Go ahead and report me

No. 141082

No desire to fam, just learn2integrate.

No. 141084

You tinfoiling over anons' identities on a small board where anons with the same interests are identifiable over certain posts is not as groundbreaking as you think it is.

No. 141085

No, I'm noticing on a very slow-moving chan forum that lately (you) have been using pepe images to respond to everything when usually no one here before uses pepe. If I can tell across multiple posts that you're the same person, you're avatarfagging and being annoying. Take your L over your low-effort shitpost and leave if you're so unbothered by it and it's not true.

No. 141086

Do you understand that someone can upload a picture, be it pepe or otherwise, and other users of that same board might find it amusing, download it and use it for themself? You're autistic.

No. 141209

File: 1591405595245.jpg (Spoiler Image, 104.63 KB, 1280x1290, peepeepoopoo.jpg)

>Pepe reaction .gif
I get if people post too many reaction pics, sure it can be annoying, but its literally a Pepe meme. Like, pretty common in chan culture at this point. It would be different if someone kept posting their gay anime husbando constantly, but pretty lame nitpick here.

No. 141211

File: 1591406086631.jpg (49.45 KB, 693x390, 2wxmbd.jpg)

The most autistic users on this site think that because they can pick out two posts from the same person they've identified complete newfaggotry. It's a small board, if you spend too much time on here and remember this much shit about the users then yeah, maybe you will catch "the same anon" posting the same reaction image with the same filename or some shit but at that point kill yourself

No. 141828

File: 1592028832568.jpeg (15.67 KB, 238x279, 0FB97A68-5084-4A2C-8570-D14E5A…)

Raped at like 5 years old by what I think was one of my brothers friends (cocsa, they were in their teens/tweens probably) underneath the deck of the back of our house.
All I remember thinking he was cute and always looking at him before that, him asking me some shit like if I want to feel good, it actually feeling good, then afterwards crying in my moms bed.
Not sure if I blocked it out of my memory until 6th grade or if thats just when I started actually thinking about it, but yeah, everything came back to me around there and I started showing ptsd symptoms for the next 3 years or so (around 11-13). Didnt get any help, never spoke about to anyone besides randos online, just became a mess thinking about it a lot before deciding to repress it all. Self harmed and skipped a lot of school cause of it.
Realized small things like the reason why I had a vivd memory of things like getting a body checkup at the doctors but my twin not getting one, the reason why me and my sis moved with our mom the next 2 years, among other things, were probably because of that.
I’m apathetic when thinking about it now, unless I think too hard and get sad/angry.

Aside from that I got groomed online when I was 14 to 16. Luckily it was just roleplay shit, no actual pictures or anything. But it was almost every night for like half a year at one point. Was aware of the situation and felt gross, I knew his age but I never told him mine, so I felt like it wasnt so bad. But on my 16th he asked how old I was, I said guess, he said around 17. yikes. Lost virtually whatever interest I had in him left right there.

No. 141846

>being so butthurt about your callout you come to post ot derail 3 separate times

No. 144255

Yup. Diagnosed in 2011, went through child abuse, grooming, dating violence, sexual assault, and non-stop harassment since my ex and I broke up. She was arrested earlier this week on aggravated cyberstalking charges and I was hoping that it would lessen my anxiety but it's higher now. I'm out of green too so that's not helping. I don't like the way benzos make me feel.

No. 144257

not as bad as most others really but want to get it off my chest and maybe relate to others as stuff about this is hard to find

im coming to terms with my mothers alcoholism and all the shit she did. my therapist told me i was parentified, taking care of her and my three younger siblings since before i was ten. i dont know how to act around drunk people anymore it just makes me upset. when my mum is drunk or my parents are fighting i clean everywhere cuz thats the only way i know that could possibly make it better. i want to move out asap but holy shit i dont want my siblings to go through what i went through i mean the youngest is only 12

she buys beer with my money and it makes me feel so so so sick i feel dirty enabling her even though she's using it without my permission

even though im 18 ive never had alcohol and never been to any parties but since ive met my boyfriend who does like to party and drink ive been so worried about being invited and being near drunk people. i dont want to become my mother by drinking too but i also dont want to stay in the mother role that i always take when people are self destructive drunks.

No. 144396

My dad died when I was 4 and all I remember about him is him yelling at mom or locking me in my room and telling me snakes were going to kill me.

My mom got with an abusive guy after that and was with him for about 10 years. He moved us to his super rural hometown. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and my siblings (I'm the oldest and still carry weight for not being able to take care of them.) I had to cook, clean, and babysit newborns starting at 8 years old. I was in and out of foster a few times for reasons outside that abuse but I kept my mouth shut and never said anything about how we were treated because I was scared.

Sexual abuse started when I was around 10. I would wake up and he would be drunk and just sitting on my bed, watching me. Eventually he started touching me and I just pretended to sleep. After a while he started putting his hands down my pants and shirt if no one was around if I was sitting at the computer or doing dishes. Just anywhere I might be alone for a second.

It started escalating into him getting very controlling when I was around 13. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone online, I couldn't visit friends, he picked out my clothes or at least would tell me to cover up even for wearing basic t-shirts. I was so scared and miserable all the time. I felt disgusting and hopeless. The few times I gave any sort of push back he acted in very extreme ways. He made me put a glow in the dark star on my head and pointed a gun at me in the dark, he kicked my cat and threw her off the porch, and the last time he just threatened to go into my sister's room instead. I remember him getting angry with me when I started to grow pubic hair. He would pull on it so hard and tell me to shave it off. Another time I came up from the basement because I was playing video games with my brothers and he shoved his fingers inside of me at the top of the stairs to "see if I was wet."

Things kind of came to a head when he had complications related to his diabetes and had to go to the hospital for a few days and my mom went off binge drinking somewhere and CPS got involved once again. I just turned 15 at this point. They ended up taking us and separating us. Somehow a letter from him ended up in my hands and he wrote about how much he loved me and how we could run away together if I could just give him a phone call. I still feel so disgusting, like I allowed everything to happen and it was my fault he felt that way about me.

I reported everything a few years ago, just the other week the case was officially closed due to lack of evidence. Tbh it's what I was expecting but I really thought it might help. It didn't lol, it just brought up everything all over again. I really wish I said something back then. For so long it literally didn't affect me. Once I got out of the situation the only thing I felt was happy to be out of that situation. I am only now reaching out to get proper help.

No. 144398

I ended up just writing and forgot what I meant to say initially kek. Felt good to write that out though. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD recently and it was relieving to feel some of my behaviors might be a little out of my control. I've always struggled with really bad anxiety and have had bouts of months long agoraphobia more than once. Depression feels like it comes and goes. I think about suicide a lot but that's something that I've thought about for as long as I can remember and it feels like a comfort thing at this point. I really hope I can find someone to help me work through this. My only experience with a counsellor was her straight up telling me she is not equipped for my trauma which I guess I appreciate.

No. 144428

Reading that anon I was screaming Report him! But glad you did. I know you said nothing came of it but stirring up bad memories but I believe people should be made to confront their wrongs and you were able to do that with him. He had to discuss it and it's out now. What a horrible man! I'm so sorry that happened to you and you're extrmeley strong to come out of it. I'm sure your siblings love you and have no fault with how you handled anything growing up. I hope life rewards you back for your hardship

No. 144472

I was in an online relationship with a pedo I met on a popular game. We never met in person but he slowly groomed me into showing my body over skype. Sometimes I think about how there might be child pornography of me out there on the internet, or at least still on one of his hard drives.

I tried reporting it but not much got done. He is in a different country and it was almost 10 years ago so I don't have hope of any justice ever.

Whenever I bring this up online there's inevitably a few other women who reply saying they had the same experience. In a way I feel comforted knowing I'm not alone, but I also feel so disgusted at how normal it is when you're a young girl on the internet. I have no doubt that every single popular game or website has pedos grooming children.

No. 144527

I am so sorry anon, reading your story made me sick to my stomach and so upset for you. If you ever want to talk or anything, I’m here, albeit anonymous. I went through something pretty similar and parts of your story rang true for me. Seriously just know that you are not alone here.

For me it was my stepdad and it started when I was around 4 or 5. It went on until I finally told my mom when I was like 16, almost 17. I won’t go into gory details because there’s too much and we’d be here for a century. My mom got the law involved and it became a huge mess from there.The case ended up being dragged on for years because of bullshit court reasons or whatever. It happened this year and the result was him being found not guilty due to lack of evidence. I spent years having to dig my trauma back up to recount it to the district attorney and other legal figures involved and get up on the stand and face the motherfucker only to basically be called a fucking liar. I’m so bitter and depressed and…. just a million different negative emotions. That outcome was my worst fear and it became a reality. The only way I can continue on with my life anymore is if I don’t think about it because once I do I just want to kill myself.

No. 145554

How do you cope with flash backs and intrusive memories? I get them 24/7 at this point and its fucking destroying me. I can't see a professional. Not because I don't wan to, but it's just not possible currently.

My trauma is physical and emotional abuse which happened over decades. One I get one event out of my head, another just takes its place.

No. 146740

Anons, how do you deal with the 'anniversary effect'?
It's almost going to be a year since I got raped. It was in october last year. I had been doing better but I can feel myself getting really bad as like, that time approaches, I don't know. It's getting hard to take my mind elsewhere. It's all I'm thinking about and I'm neglecting a lot of responsibilities, work etc. How can I feel better?

No. 146776


I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. It depends on how far along you both are in your recoveries. Because sometimes it's best to insulate yourself from the trauma but once you have the mental fortitude to do so, the long-term answer is often to address it directly.

If thinking about the trauma is causing panic attacks, depressive thinking, like you cannot touch on it at all without utterly breaking down, then protect yourself with anything that makes you happy. Indulge yourself, be lazy, watch and listen to cheerful and upbeat media and try to talk to friends & family who can help you focus on other things. Remember where you are and that you're safe in the current moment. Look into mindfulness meditation.

When you're doing a task, really be there. Focus on your senses even for mundane shit. If you're doing dishes, how does the water feel? What does it sound like? Does the soap smell nice? The water is reflective. It sounds silly but even activities that are normally boring can become fascinating when you take the time to actually notice everything going on. The bonus being that you'll be fully engaged in the here and now, not thinking about what happened in the past. When you have an intrusive thought, drag your attention to your immediate surroundings and use your senses again. Name things. Green trees. Blue house. Grey street. It smells like dry grass. I hear a lawnmower. The wind is cool. Drag yourself away from the bad thoughts again and again. You may have to do it hundreds of times, but eventually you'll start training yourself to redirect automatically.

If you can think about what happened without completely retraumatizing yourself, then you can start examining it to determine what is really disturbing you. Of course, abuse/assault is innately disturbing on many levels, but how it affects each individual will vary. For example, maybe you feel that what happened to you somehow makes you a filthy or less worthy person. The reality is that you were wrongfully placed in a terrible situation and were not at fault, so you need to rebuild your sense of self worth. Or maybe the trauma is making you fear all situations where you don't have 100% control because it puts you back in that space of feeling vulnerable and believing pain is an inevitability. You would then have to work on reclaiming moments where you're not in control, realizing that they can actually be freeing or positive at times, and develop a healthier outlook. Of course all of this is much easier with therapy. If you don't have access to a therapist then I really recommend looking into self help books by PhDs, especially focused on trauma-based CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

No. 146791

I've posted this in the vent thread in /ot/ but it had no replies.

I am scared to go to work on Sunday (two days from now).

Over the past month and a half, I've gone on a crusade against my pedophilic, ex-coworker from 5 years ago after finding out he'd been applying to grad school for music with a minor in education — which I didn't even know you could do. When I was 17 and he was 24 and we'd just begun sleeping together, he told me stories of other young girls and teenagers having crushes on him. One of which was a seventh-grader that "tried flirting with him" when he shadowed a teacher in undergrad. No way in hell am I going to let him become a teacher, tutor, anything to do with children.

His apologist girlfriend he'd cheated on with me without my knowledge at the time has broken up with him for good and he's been fired from his job working under her daddy's thumb, but only after I left a negative review on Google on Sunday night after never receiving a response to my email.

I still work at the same place we met. He walked in on Tuesday with sunglasses and a face mask on as a lazy disguise to sneak past our bosses that fucking hate him. I'd know him anywhere. We locked eyes across the store while he hovered in the middle stacks to further avoid being seen by the bosses. I knew it was him even with his sunglasses on by the overwhelming gut feeling I got — one I haven't felt since I'd last seen him, 4 years ago, when I was freshly 18.

I ignored him and joked with my manager, cackled loudly with my coworker, and when I had to help a customer, I sauntered down the aisle opposite where he was standing, cut through a break in the bays so that he could watch me walk away from him with my head held high. On the way back up to the front, this customer who's a favorite of the store almost bumped into him. I was trailing behind him. I caught sight of [pedo]'s eyes because he had his sunglasses off. The customer and I were talking and I made moon-eyes at him while I knew [pedo] was boring holes into me. I carried on about my day as if everything were normal, like he wasn't even there.

Eventually he left without buying anything. He never spoke a word to anyone. I won't tell my bosses about this incident (they never saw him, they were running around preparing for a meeting) unless he comes in again. The owner of the store has regularly flip-flopped between victim-blaming me since finding out and declaring that she'd take him around back and beat the shit out of him if she ever saw him again. I know she'd say, "What did you expect? You just ruined his life. Of course he wants revenge."

One of my old coworkers is going to bring me her extra taser at work on Sunday. The nerves are because it's our slowest day of the week and it's just me and one other coworker, the new guy, all day. I got lucky on Tuesday in that [pedo] came in during our busiest time of the day. I was never alone at the front of the store and there were plenty of customers milling around. I never leave work alone because there's always at least 2 of us closing, and my roommate is a coworker so she typically picks me up. I don't think he'd try anything, considering he's too chickenshit to walk in showing his face, but the fear is still there. He'd gotten violent with me a couple of times in the past.

I didn't breakdown over it until 1 AM that night, 11 hours later. I'd gotten high and realized that he might be back in this city for good. I haven't been able to really eat or sleep for days and I've been having weird tremors. The worst part is that a part of my brain was excited. A part of me has missed him all these years.

No. 146871


I've been through the same thing. The body remembers and it can definitely be more difficult to deal with on anniversaries.

This October will be the fourth anniversary since I was raped. The first anniversary was the hardest. I remember asking my therapist if I should take off from work or school on the anniversary of my rape, and she recommended going in and staying busy instead. It helped me to make a plan for the day. Even if you don't have work or school, it might help to focus on your life in the present, and do things that make you feel safe and happy. It's good to work on processing your trauma, too, but I don't think it has to happen on the anniversary. Each year it got easier for me, I already feel this year may be easier than the last. Treatment and time can help. Good luck anon, sending love and hope to you.

No. 147037

I mean, the owner should be more concerned. You can probably sue her if you told her about this threat and she ignores it.
Keep your phone on you and don't hesitate to call 911 to his face if he comes in an looks even slightly aggressive. Use the taser if you have to. You can also film him if he comes in, so there's evidence if he does try to pull something.
It may be awkward, but I would tell your co-worker and let him know that you might need back up. Better safe than sorry.

No. 147044

Today was the day I went back to work and he didn't show. I don't know if he went out of his way to drive 2 hours up here on Tuesday or if he's moved back. If I were to tell my boss and she didn't believe me, I'd have her roll back the security cameras' footage. I gladly took the taser from my old coworker and filled the new guy in on a situation. He's a former teacher and was fucking disgusted, said he'd keep an eye out. I gave my closest coworker his description.

I might have another job lined up soon and I think if I were to get it and tell my bosses about Pedo coming in in the same breath, they'd understand me quitting on the spot.

No. 147262

File: 1597210467332.jpg (15.29 KB, 300x300, fa5f6028e83f42c4870f4d3431219f…)

I'm having a tough time not snapping at my boyfriend for merely looking at me while naked.

It's hard for me to accept any of his sexual advances towards me, I need to be the one to initiate everything (unless it's cuddles) or else I go into panic mode. Not sure if this is autism or the fact that my biological father diddled me for 8 years and after experiencing a rape from a former boyfriend.

I love my boyfriend, frankly I'm obsessed with him, but I instantly turn into a demon or a really annoyed person when he attempts to show his love and affection. Anything he does feels like assault. I hate that I push him away constantly. I'm scared to lose him after very time I snap.

No. 147357

Christ anon, "I'm sorry" doesn't even cover it. You should never have had to endure such terrible and traumatic experiences.

Does your boyfriend know what you've been through? As someone who has a partner that experienced abuse, simply knowing that his negative reactions were stemming from trauma and not a dislike for me helped and allowed me to not take things personally. If he's aware, he should be able to empathize and be patient if he's the right one for you. I'm a more dominant person sexually and I similarly had to respect that I needed to allow my partner to be the one initiating and maintaining control because he felt too vulnerable otherwise. It was a trade-off I was happy to make when I understood his sense of safety and comfort was on the line. Eventually as we built trust he got more flexible and now I can be the one doing those things as well, so I believe you can overcome this in time and with a considerate partner.

No. 147994

File: 1597729216532.png (339.32 KB, 640x594, 33ifz5.png)

I thought i was over the triggers from my trauma but my bf did something that triggered me(unintentionally) and it really scared me. I was honestly more scared in the moment that i would always be scared of my bf because he triggered me and i might keep feeling that way than anything.

It's been so long since this has happened. I hate it.

No. 148069

File: 1597771211413.gif (258.67 KB, 499x374, Hb2nuCA.gif)

This one is a stranger one:
I'm deeply afraid of a specific park, LSD visuals, and vision warping. I've had traumatic drug experiences that now give me extreme panic attacks where I feel like I need to go to the ER. It spirals me into fully delusional states where I want to immediately kill myself because I believe that I have already died. I honestly don't know if this is considered as PTSD but holy fuck. I swear I get thrown into this bout of psychosis.

No. 148071

I know this feeling. Happens to the best of us, babe. Be honest with him about what triggered you - this isn't necessarily to scold him out of doing that specific -thing- anymore, but so that he knows how to look out for you. If you're not ready for that, I just do the 5-3-5 breathing exercise my therapist taught me. (5 second inhale, 3 second holding breath, 5 second exhale_. It's deceptively simple but in the moment it's surprisingly grounding and calming. Wish I could help more. Wishing you the best.

No. 148075

It sounds like you don't have a model for what a healthy display of affection is. Considering the abuse you've experienced, especially at the hands of your father this wouldn't come as a surprise. I would imagine you associate what should be affection as an attempt to abuse you. You could explore and create pathways? Find out what you're comfortable with him doing and direct him on how to do it. If he's accommodating and you do small stuff it could help.
>Boyfriend attempts to be affectionate.
>you associate these actions with abuse and grooming.
>You enter into a defensive mode to protect yourself.

There's no direct papers that support my theories directly on psychoactive drugs, but there is some relevant papers. It's likely you have an inherent tendency to experience negative interactions very deeply and also default to negative states of mind more regularly. When you took a hallucinogenic drug you kind of fucked yourself and reset a part of your world view to be the traumatic one you experienced during your drug use.

No. 148395

One of many but I was left in a hot car as a young kid by my neglectful father and tbh I'm starting to think it's the reason why I always get really badly depressed in the summer and am just beyond miserable when I get too hot. Never really connected those dots until this thread, hmm.

Love to all of the anons in this thread working through trauma.

No. 148414

After an abusive relationship of gaslighting, making me doubt myself, unwanted sexual acts I find myself having a hard time letting male members of my family hug/touch me. It really sucks because I love my family but telling them “no I don’t want to hug right now” does help assert my reality and calm me down.

But right now the biggest trouble I’m having is panicking when people are watching me. For example, I’m highly aware of when men are checking me out in public and that stresses me out. The worst was when my dad was just watching me cook (out of curiosity) and I found it really making me panic/angry because I remember abusive ex was always staring at me intently to make sure I couldn’t get out of his sight/signal for help. I wish I didn’t have to feel so self-conscious.

No. 148431

You are a piece of shit, and probably a scrote.

I hope your so or your children abuse the shit out of you and you get trapped in that relationship. And I hope you really are a moid so no one takes your girlfriend abusing you seriously. Rot in hell shithead.

No. 148432

God I've recently read a manga done by a Japanese ex-porn actress where she tells how she got sexually abused by her father and brother when she was a kid. Your post really reminded me of her life. I am so sorry anon.

Her mother also remarried abusive pedo after abusive pedo. I may get shit for this but I can't stand mothers like that. Putting their thirst for men or stability before the safety of her children. People like this may not be direct pepretators of abuse but are abusers by proxy. I don't know how you must feel about your mom nowadays but I don't see any justifiable an adult ass woman with children under her care not being able to clock scummy men away and even marrying them for whatever social or personal benefit. These men are always walking redflags for god's sake.

Children being exposed to predators and traumatized like this due to the parents only thinking about themselves breaks my heart and makes my blood oil equally.

No. 148435

what is the title of the manga?

No. 148436

Oh shit wtf me too, I never fucking realised. Sorry you went through that too, it was like a sauna from hell.

No. 148485

I have no relationship with my mom and if I have to talk to her it's only for matters about my siblings. I feel similar to you, I hate her and she makes me feel sick. I once caught her drunk and giggly talking to him on the phone a couple years after the fact. That was the last straw. More recently she actively avoided giving a statement for my case until everything was basically over. God I could go on about how much I hate her but I wanna try to have a chill night kek.

Thanks your taking the time to reply anon. If you think the manga might be cathartic in a way I would like to know the name!

No. 148694

This guy who groomed me online when I was very very young had a vaginal prolapse fetish and would frequently coerce me into doing …relevant things on cam. Had me wear an anime maid outfit and masturbate while he did too, among other heinous things. I don't think about it often anymore, but last night I was playing a video game I always played around that time and absolutely panicked and felt yanked back into that nasty place, had nightmares, etc. I feel so weak because I have huge problems with sex mostly stemming from this incident and not other worse, irl instances of abuse.

No. 148881

I've probably always had PTSD due to severe verbal abuse from my mom and a lot of neglect from my dad, but it got significantly worse after my dad abandoned our family in my mid-teens, and I wound up in a severely emotionally abusive relationship from ages 22-27 that I had virtually no chance of leaving. It was actually a fucking miracle when he dumped me.

That's all behind me now but I still experience daily, moderate-severe anxiety and chronic pain that has somehow not disabled me entirely yet. I also go through long periods derealization/depersonalization from time to time. That shit is seriously the worst. My therapist has discussed EMDR with me but after having read some negative experiences about EMDR online, I'm afraid it's going to make my dissociative symptoms worse, so I've been avoiding it.

No. 149109


anon I get super stressed when men check me out too, holy fuck. Weirdly enough, my right leg will freeze up too and then I feel even more awkward because I feel like I'm noticeably walking weird and become super aware of it lol.
I talked to my doctor and she told me to focus on something that will instantly distract you until you can move through the intensity of the moment. I'll repeat simple stuff like "green tree" or "stop sign", just whatever I see around me.

It helps me a fair amount. It's such a shitty thing though. Sometimes I feel cute and enjoy looking good, plus I'm super single so it would be nice to enjoy that attention and actually want to try dating. Instead it's just overwhelming and stressful.

No. 150419

I was groomed by a pop punk singer who was mildly popular at the time when I was 15. We lived in different countries so it was all online, but everyday he would guilt trip me until I sent him naked photos and vids, and when I didn't he would threaten to kill himself. At one point he tried to get me to join a suicide pact with him. Around the same time I started wearing a cherry-almond body spray, and a couple days ago I smelled it for the first time in years and was immediately taken back to that time and place, it was horrible.

No. 150436

>I was groomed by a pop punk singer who was mildly popular at the time when I was 15
jesus those guys were the worst. wish I knew who that was but I understand why you don't wanna tell. Would be amazing if you could fuck up his entire life tho

No. 150437

I was annoying my bf with wanting (consensual) BDSM… anyways, about 6 months ago he got incredibly drunk to the point where he claims he “blacked out”.
Basically, on that day he force fucked me even though I said no and was crying, and did some other sexually abusive things like hitting me very hard, forcing multiple fingers up my ass, while saying really horrid things to me. He then left me alone to cry about it, because he had “given me what I wanted”. The next day I had a bruise on my face and more all over my body, my asshole was bleeding, etc. He apparently has no memory of this even happening.

Suffice it to say sex hasn’t been the same with him since that day. We don’t have it as much, and I’m basically terrified to ask for anything besides missionary. I’m also afraid anytime he picks up a beer

No. 150438

I took off his engagement ring on that day, and haven’t put it back on. I think I would have broken up with him, if I had the means to support myself or any friends or support where I live. Really, I’ve felt a bit trapped ever since, and like I’m sacrificing my youth by staying with someone who’d treat me that way. He’s also really dismissive of anything I enjoy, and is almost always annoyed when I say something

No. 150445


Get the fuck away from him. Who is to say that he won't get drunk and do that again?

You can't even be wholly intimate with him. You're supposed to feel love, not fear.

In the end though, only you know what is best for yourself and the actions you need to take.

What happened to you, regardless of the circumstances, was absolutely not okay and I'm so sorry that it happened. I'm sorry that you feel afraid and conflicted.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

No. 150452

There are organizations, but if you don't have a job you need to keep, get on a greyhound to your hometown or wherever you have family. Get credit card, get a loan, do what you have to because with him it's only going to get worse.

No. 150453

I have incredibly hard time someone would be able to do such things being drunk to the point of "blacking out", beer is not drugs. You really have to get out and run away, as soon as you can and at any cost.

No. 150456


Thank you anons… in regards to the blacking out, he was definitely more fucked up than I’ve ever seen. He seemed baffled when I talked to him about it the following day.

What made the whole situation worse, was the fact that I had developed a small crush on our mutual friend and told him about it to clear the air and hopefully work through it. It seemed like he was punishing me for that, or that’s how I interpreted it.

I do see a lot of red flags with him, but at the same time we work together and live together. Breaking up would leave my entire life in shambles. And tbh I have this terrifying fear of being alone…

Sometimes it seems pretty clear that he stalks my internet history and might even have some way of monitoring my phone activity. He’ll drop hints about knowing things from texts that I’ve never even mentioned to him. I always have my phone on me, which is why I think he has some spyware on it.

He has a box full of computer hard drives that he keeps pretty locked down, and he wipes them clean but won’t explain why. At most he says “they’re from old computers”, and he doesn’t want his personal info on them. But there are at least 25 hard drives, and despite him being 44yo I can’t imagine him having 25+ computers. This has been a huge red flag constantly lingering in the back of my head

No. 150457

I've had two exes who were abusive never to the point of forced rough sex though (get out btw) and one drank and the other was a full blown alcoholic. The first guy didn't need a drink to smack me about. I remember one lunch I came home from work asked him about a simple task he needed to do because I was there to get paperwork he was suppose to fill out to drop off at our estate agents at the time (did not go thru with the purchase after this incident) and he lost it at me. Choked me. Cracked my head on exposed brick in the kitchen while choking me. Threw me on the ground and kicked me, our dog was whimpering for me and scared. I had to go back to work and ask to go home because I was on my probabtion as it was a new job. So humiliating. The guy who did this to me use to work there and was well liked. No one ever offered me condolescences. Sorry for blog post. Point being, he didn't need drink to be violent.

The alcoholic did other substances too. Very volatile. Hard to understand if it was a combination of the drugs and drink or just one or just his mental state about why he was so violent. I will say though, he claims he often would get blacked out. And I do believe him. Even on good nights he would black out and not remember anything. Then some nights he would pretend to be far gone but then would bring up something I had said days later.

It's hard to grasp how much of a contributing factor drink is. I mean I'm sure you yourself have been drunk must of us have. I've never personally experienced blacking out and assaulting someone. Anytime I'm drunk and have a verbal fight I'll remember. Anytime I'm drunk and been hit by a man I've remembered. So objectively I find it hard to let alcohol be used as an excuse for behaviour. Majority of us all get drunk and still remember it's illegal to drive drunk. We all get drunk and remember where we live and how to get home. We don't suddenly forget the laws. It would seem men knowingly the drunk excuse has some negating factor to certain actions they commit. And wow, shocking, those actions usually revolve around abusing woman.

No. 150458

One last horrifying red flag imo (I shouldn’t have gone through his computer files), is the file on his computer full of photos of his niece when she was a teenager. Some of the pics are bikini photos and pretty revealing for photos of a teenage niece. When I asked if he was close with her, he said not at all. Which makes me wonder why he has a secretive folder full of her teenage selfies and bikini pics

No. 150459

Anyone else has family that tries their hardest to ignore whatever happened to you? Not "hide it under the carpet" ignore, but more "move on and forget it" ignore. I feel like whenever I bring up wanting justice against someone who harassed me as a minor, my parents try and distract me from the topic or try to dissuade me from looking for legal action. I was harassed so badly by one of my teachers I lost 3 years of school because I developed such intense PTSD. It still affects me to this day, and I see regular flare-ups whenever I deal with things that are even mildly school related. It is worth adding that I genuinely believe that they were hurt and suffered because of what I went through, so maybe this is also their trauma flaring up whenever I bring up the topic? I have my hang ups about how they failed to protect me and seek police intervention immediately (I had to hassle them to even make a formal police report), but I do think they were hurt.

How do you deal with it? I'm not exactly in the financial situation to afford a lawyer, I live on my own but I have to depend on them when it comes to this. They constantly ask me what I want out of the case, If I want the guy jailed, to pay a fine, or something else. I'm not really sure. I just want revenge and justice for someone who pushed me so off track in my life. I was lagged back 3 years in school and developed severe PTSD and depression and I'm supposed to just… forget it? Is it not natural for me to want to see that man punished to the fullest extent of the law?

I'm doing somewhat better now, but the fight for my case continues. I'm actively trying to get better each day, but I will see that man punished.

No. 150483

Are you really this fucking stupid or are you just trolling? You’re saying your bf is
>middle aged
>dismissive of all your interests
>tracks your internet usage and text messages
>has mysterious collections of hard drives he won’t let anyone see
>collects pictures of his fucking TEENAGE NIECE in revealing clothing
>BEAT AND RAPED YOU while drunk

and you’re gonna stay with him bc you don’t think he’s “that bad”?

No. 150485

I’m not trolling. I said I’m nervous about the idea of leaving due to my life potentially falling apart at the seams. I don’t have much going for me, at all. The majority of the time he’s incredibly loving and tends to my every need and want. Idk, I’m all fucked up and a wreck really

No. 150487

We’ve been together for 3 years, and I’m sure most anons would agree just packing up and splitting when you’re incredibly codependent is pretty fucking hard to do

No. 150491

Well if you need a little kick in the pants, I'd be willing to bet you a hundred bucks that the contents of those mystery hard drives is CP. That's what CP collectors do, amass a bunch of hard drives to store it on. And, considering he keeps those risque photos of his niece out in the open and sees no issue with it, if he feels the need to actually hide something, then it's going to be very some serious stuff.

It would be great if before you leave him you could confirm that the contents of those hard drives are CP. Don't let him know you've seen it, tell him you're leaving him for an unrelated reason, and then alert the police once you're out of there.
No one is saying it's easy, but you need to suck it up or else you'll really have no right to complain when he continues to abuse you after sticking with him.

No. 150495

I took a couple and hid them when he was at work, the trouble is - I have no idea how to access whatever is on the hard drives. I’m horrible at computer shit

No. 150496

Any tips on how to look at what’s on them would be appreciated. I’ve always felt he’s hiding something very serious. When I started asking about the hard drives he starting casually wiping them in his free time

No. 150499

NTA, but you're a fucking bitch. This is the epitome of victim blaming. It isn't helpful and just makes people suffering from the effects of an abusive relationship feel worse. You are seriously fucked in the head to read that anon's posts and your first instinct is to respond to her with more abuse, rather than support and empathy.

Anon, I honestly think that this man is dangerous enough that you should not be trying to figure out what's on this computer, and should instead focus on developing a plan to leave him. This guy severely abusing you in just about every possible way. Are there any women's shelters in your area? Do you have any friends that you could potentially go to for help? Also:

>Breaking up would leave my entire life in shambles.

I've been there. It's really hard in the beginning, I won't lie. But I promise it does get better and it beats spending a second longer suffering under the thumb of a psychopath, which your boyfriend 100% is. "Blacked out" my ass. This guy violently raped you. From the sound of it, he's also a pedophile. I would absolutely take legal action against him when it's safe to do so, but I really think you should focus on getting away from him first.

No. 150501

Well, as you say, you're NTA, and the actual anon seemed to understand what I was getting at. I'm not victim blaming because I'm not blaming her for the abuse. Even if she stays and continues to be abused it's still always going to be her douchebag bf's fault and not hers. I'm merely pointing out that since she has already acknowledged that he's abusive, it would be a stupid move to stay with him.
I don't know either. If you're fairly sure there's incriminating content on them you might just be better off handing them directly over to the police to check. After you've left and are safe, of course.

No. 150502

>it would be a stupid move to stay with him
You seem to have skimmed over the part where she mentioned that she has no means to support herself, and is isolated from friends and family. Abusers tend to put their victims in this position so that it's harder for them to leave. Obviously the best course of action is to leave him at this point, but it's pretty goddamn tone-deaf to act like the reason she isn't doing so is because she's "being stupid" and just needs a "kick in the pants." The relationship has escalated to the point of rape and physical violence. This guy is clearly dangerous. It's both reasonable and normal for an abuse victim to be hesitant to leave in this scenario.

No. 150538

It is hard. If there's nobody in the area, find a group that helps women in situations like yours.

No. 150545


There's groups of women like you who can help you when your ready.

Maybe making an escape plan is something you could do right now to keep your safety a top priority?

I believe you can do what you need to be happy and safe.

No. 150733

I don't know why i'm such a dumb bitch, i wish i could just stop looking for things i know will make me relive the bad things that happened. I know i can't look at child neglect, sexual assault or domestic violence stuff but i still do and even argue about it and comment.
It just ends up with me getting fearful and my whole day goes by in a blur because once i start remembering one thing and all the others follow, they keep playing on my head until i pass out from exhaustion at night.

No. 150740

I can relate so much to this anon. I cannot read about child grooming and things related to csa and cp because then I start reliving all the crap I dealt with and it is all I can think about all day. Can barely focus on the present. And the thing is, like you, sometimes I deliberately seek out things that I know will fuck me up for days. It's like some sort of self harm. I hear it is really common though, which makes me feel not so alone

No. 150744

Same, I got that morbidly curiosity going on and I start to fall into rabbit holes. Would be interesting to know why we do that.
On another note, was anybody traumatized as an adult? I can greatly relate to victims of csa but it got its own spin to it, and I often don't want to invalidate their experience. I hope I make sense.
I just had my first (almost?) flashback today since months but I kinda caught it before it got worse and I was able to leave the situation.

No. 150747

I'm really sorry you went through that, it really is a form of self harm you're right. Funny because i used to sh physically too.

Me too lmao. As a kid i was neglected, unloved and isolated but sa happened as a teen and adult. I know what you mean, that it feels different. For me it feels less serious somehow.
But it doesn't feel like morbid curiosity to me at least, i don't really read details and such if i can help it. More like i go straight to what i know feels bad and makes me sick.

No. 150748

>As a kid i was neglected, unloved and isolated
Same. I guess that's why I can relate so well

The worst thing for me is that when I told mental health professionals, there were like 'oh you were 15? Should've known better' that's why I was kinda 'jealous' of csa victims.

No. 150749

From what it's worth coming from an internet stranger, it wasn't your fault. You were just a teen, your brain wasn't even done cooking yet, it was the fault of your abusers and the adults that failed to help even when they studied for it because ugh, what a disgusting response from these "professionals".
I can see why you feel like this, and don't worry i think that's normal, like when i was younger i wished i was hit just so people would have some sympathy and help.

No. 150851

My brother sexually abused me throught my childhood (from around 6 till 11) and I had other unfortunate run ins with other men as a child (online pedo groomed me, family friend made me touch his dick, ended up dating a 21yo at 13 whom I later married) I feel like I became hypersexual due to it all. Started watching hardcore porn shortly after the abuse began and to this day, I don't think I know what real loving sex is really supposed to like. I always think of it though, and feel like the only way someone can love me is through sex. Whenever I have had sex, the only thing on my mind is making my partner feel good. Funny enough if I manage to orgasm I start feeling sick and nauseous and a wave of revulsion hits me, the same way I would feel whenever I would be alone with men as a kid. I think this is the first time I have told anyone about my hypersexuality, it feels kinda weird.

No. 150860

Hey Anon, came here to post something similar to this but then realized I'm not quite mentally ready. I just had to let you know though that I sympathize and I hope you're doing alright.

No. 150871

I'm really sorry anon for everything you've had to deal with. I know it feels like you're broken for life and that you'll never be normal and happy. It's really so goddamn awful that little you had to go through so much and come out of it feeling mangled. I hope you're in a safe place right now, if not, I hope you'll get there soon. You just have to see yourself as someone who is not broken or far too gone for change, your brain dealt with so much and it had to cope to survive. If you can manage it, stop watching violent porn, I don't watch any sort of porn now but you can slowly transition to at least less hardcore porn, I think that might be better. It still won't really shut off your brain, I mean every fantasy of mine devolves into gruesome and painful and at that point, I just stop myself, do something else. I feel like my only worth is by giving sex, giving my body to someone and it is how I feel validated or appreciated. I've stopped having sex and being in sexual situations for about 6 months now, I feel it helped me gain a sense of myself outside being sexual and giving pleasure. It has made me feel like my body is my own. I don't know if that makes sense haha. I've not gotten therapy but if you can, if you're able, maybe talk to a trauma specialist? I could help you figure out your thoughts better, and manage emotions better? I hope the best for you anon. I wish I could give you a hug and lend a ear. It's cathartic to give voice to your thoughts. I find that writing my thoughts in a journal help me. Also, reading about others who've had similiar experiences to me who came out of it and got better with help and patience helps me feel like maybe I'm not so hopeless afterall. Take care anon, I wish you the very best

No. 150925

my mother emotionally and physically abused me for a really long time. during that time ever since i was really young she would berate me and punish me for drawing, tell me its ugly and a waste of time, that the art was useless ect. im trying to create art as an adult but im afraid to show anyone and its really difficult to even do it in the first place because i feel like im doing something wrong and i'll be punished. i don't know how to get over these feelings

No. 151014

Not sure if this is the right thread to post this in, but I figured since it's trauma related it'd fit.

Is anyone else just completely messed up sexually? I don't mean I'm into weird shit, I mean I don't think I can ever have a normal healthy sexual relationship (or romantic for that matter, but that's a whole other can of worms) with anyone for a myriad of reasons.

I go through periods of hypersexuality and then periods of sex repulsion. I finally realized my hypersexuality was just some misguided attempt to reclaim my autonomy after being sexually violated on multiple occasions, but of course it only traumatized me more, which brings me the current state of sex repulsion. It's confusing because I feel attraction to people, but when I think of actually having sex with them, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I haven't had sex in about a year and half.

I also struggle to see myself as a sexual person. Like, I can't even comprehend the idea of anyone wanting to have sex with me because I feel like a disgusting abomination. I can't quite put it all into words but I just don't feel like I'm meant to be sexual or have sex with anyone? Does that make any sense? Like others are 'allowed' to be sexual, but not me because I'm ugly and mentally ill.

It's all super complicated and is caused by a number of factors I'm sure, like a shame-based religious upbringing, being molested and raped by different people, and also being told I'm ugly by people that were once close to me. I'm not sure what my point is with all of this, just trying to get it down, and see if anyone relates. I'm 24 and have been in two relationships, both of which were abusive, and then just some flings that never amounted to anything where I was using meaningless sex as self harm.

No. 151029

I feel like I’ve had childhood sexual abuse but I have no memory of it. I’ve felt this way for many years. Yesterday I listened to a podcast where a woman describes blurting out that she was molested by her grandfather as a child, and her only potential proof of it happening was her mom confessing he had molested her (her mom) as well. After going to a therapist the woman was told by the therapist she probably won’t remember it, and that’s just how it is sometimes. Now I’m fucking paranoid.

I don’t have nightmares about specific things. I don’t have panic attacks during sex or anything. But I always have a deep distrust of men that I feel is unnatural. Whenever I’m alone with a man somewhere I envision him trying to rape me. I think about what I’ll do to fight back. To say nothing of my fear of men growing up.

I don’t know what could have caused it besides maybe witnessing my mother’s abuse— she had a boyfriend who would beat her up in front of me though I don’t remember that either. I have absolutely no memory of him. I’ve seen photos of him but I do not have a single memory of him from when we lived with him, despite having other memories of the place. I don’t know.

No. 151031

I have the exact same issue. Periods of hypersexuality followed by periods of sex repulsion, and feeling like there's a huge disconnect between what I feel like is "me" and my sexuality. Like I can't fit sexuality into my identity in a way that feels right or natural, it kinda exists as some kind of separate entity.
I have bipolar and dissociative identity disorder so I blame most of my sexual dysfunction on them. I was also on ssri's during the entirety of my teenage years, they pretty much killed my libido and made me unable to orgasm for years after quitting them. Teenage years play an important role in how your sexual identity develops, so there's that.
Idk anon I wish I had some kind of words of encouragement for you, but I don't. Just know that you're not alone. I'm sorry you've had to go through so many terrible and traumatizing things.

No. 151033

Damn, I have a similar issue regarding my father and his girlfriend. For me it's a memory that I'm not sure actually happened and, even if it did, I don't remember if what happened after was innapropriate. It was a turbulent time in my life, I was very young, and they could have just been examining me. But it also wouldn't be surprising actions from him. And I also have memories of telling my mother and she would have killed him so..?

It would definitely explain my sexual perversions, but I prefer to live in ignorance. It's not as if we'll ever know for sure, huh?

I hope it isn't true for either of us, anon.

No. 170101

Okay guys get ready for some fucked up shit.
I have PTSD, anxiety and depression thanks to my alcoholic dad and her mistress turned wife bullying, abusing and threatening me and my mom between ages 17-22.

How it started: Dad stopped coming home, when we called him he was cursing us, drunk af at all times with his enabling buddies and mistress. The enablers each had a mistress they could afford and dad was always proud he got the hottest one.

After we discovered the mistress: He started acting like a born again teenager. He would dress up and do his personal grooming before he went to the mistress house (the rent was being paid by him) and ask my mom if he was looking good enough to please a younger woman. I fucking hate home wreckers for this reason. He would humiliate her in front of me, but mom was strong and smart enough to put up some funds aside and get the fuck out of this situation ASAP. He started to neglect our home, we didn’t have enough food to eat, and he told me that I was too fat (I was not, I was at the lower end of my BMI) and I eat too much. Unlike his beloved sugar baby, who eat little, stays skinny and hot for him, he added. Needless to say, your homegirl spiraled into a decade long eating disorder. When he finally married her, she and my dad would constantly bully me for various things, my weight was the primary reason.

How it ended: Mom got a divorce, she didn’t demand anything, she just left to start a new life. At that time I also started college, and things got worse. I’m assuming the wife contemplated to get rid of me to have him all to herself and her future family. Things went bitter after mom divorced him because dad was pissed off that his ex wife didn’t have any of his shit and moved on. So he took it on me. He told me I have failed him as a child, that he will start another family with a woman who has perfect genes, and things will be much better for him. All the while the woman stood there, nodded and told him “Yes my love, I have perfect genes and our children won’t be damaged.. like her.” It was fucking surreal dude. Idk if he was gaslighted into thinking this way, but I must say this high school dropout sugar baby had a strong influence on my dad. Or, maybe he was a scrote from the beginning. There is so much abuse I’ve suffered because of them, they told me I smell, even though I showered every fucking day, told me that I’m a waste of space, and one day locked me up at home when I was feeling very sick and they refused to get help. They didn’t let me use the phone to call an ambulance, so I secretly made a phone call to my grandma who was close by to get me some help. She was pissed off, very disappointed with dad, and next thing I know he’s driving me to the hospital with nothing but contempt on his face. I stopped visiting him after this.
Now they have two kids. We never talk.

My mom is doing great. She’s an amazing person. I was okay until something triggered my memories and now I’m having flashbacks. I need to get help. I’m embarrassed because I should have moved on at this point, and I’m afraid to tell anyone that I’m having flashbacks. I know it’s not as bad as being sexually abused by a parent, or being a refugee, but I can’t help what I’m going through…..

No. 170139

I’m so sorry to hear that Anon. Whenever you need we are here

No. 170172

My brother threatened to kill himself in front of me. I wish he'd actually tried it, because you have to cut really deep for any real hope at bleeding out and that dumb kitchen knife was dull as fuck. If he even managed to break the skin, he'd give up after one swipe. Bet he'd feel real stupid.

While I have managed to excuse his many, many offenses against me and our family, I can't forgive him for making me terrified to stumble on his corpse when I got home from school. For a self proclaimed genius, the way he talked about suicide made it obvious he hadn't actually researched it. I know better now. He's nothing more than an attention seeking narcissist bully. Pornsickness turned his brain to cottage cheese. He literally lives in our mom's basement.

I can't wait to die young and make him regret never apologising to me. I was the sister he never deserved.

No. 170270

anon, your reasoning is far too romanticised and you are giving him too much credit. Pornsick scrotes don't care if women, even their mom or sister, dies unless it means his life is less convenient.

He would probably just jack off to your corpse and bitch about you on discord. Anon, don't kill yourself as revenge to some braindead male who won't even care lol

Its cheesy but its like they say, the best revenge is to live well

No. 170328

Please listen to the other anon. Your degenerate brother lives in your mother's basement? The sweetest revenge is to make your own life, walk in the light whilst he rots in the dark. At least live long enough to be at his funeral so you can tell everyone that he left behind nothing except his porn collection and disappointment.

No. 170329

If by 'can't wait to die young' you mean you intend on turning the tables on him and actually killing yourself… He's not worth it.

I've been in the headspace of almost wanting to die to shock an ex into maybe not abusing every girl he meets… Its an unrealistic expectation. You don't know whether he'll grieve, people often go into denial after deaths in the family (they suddenly remember being soo close and loved up with the now deceased person) you are a whole person in your own right, you have value. Your life should never be sacrificed to try and teach a frustrating scrote some lesson he'll likely dodge. And it's the same bs he pulled on you so don't stoop to that sick way of thinking.

No. 170341

My painting professor "rescheduled" his office hours to a school holiday (so nobody else would be in the building), locked me in his office, yanked off all my clothes, and sexually assaulted me. But before he could do too much I started my period all over the place and he was so disgusted by it he stopped. I guess I should be grateful he didn't go further but now every time I have my period I remember how terrifying it was to be in that situation; I couldn't escape and there was nobody there who could help me. Plus when I reported it to the university it was my word against his and he was tenured/well respected by the department so nothing happened except for the dean calling me an attention seeking liar to my face. I feel stupid for not remembering that it was a school break because I should have realized something was weird but the day he told me to come talk about my portfolio was a day I normally don't have classes anyway so I didn't think about it.

No. 170345

I remember reading a true crime book about a serial rapist (and murderer) where one of his victims escaped only because he pulled down her underwear and he was disgusted at the sight of her bloodied sanitary towel… This man had brutally murdered something like 20 women but menstrual blood was a hard limit.

No. 170346

I’m so sorry, anon. I hope you’re able to find more peace in the future.

One of my exes once raped me while I was really high, and the physical movements made me have to throw up. She stopped so I could puke in a garbage can and that was apparently enough for her to decide she didn’t want to fuck anymore. I know that isn’t the same as what you experienced, but I remember that feeling of “if this hadn’t happened, who knows?” and I know how bad it sucks. Sending you lots of love.

No. 170596

I can’t really remember when it started but I think I might have been 3 or 4 but I was repeatedly molested and raped by a family friend until I was about 7 years old. I really hold a lot of resentment and animosity towards my mom because of it. she was pretty neglectful when I was a kid and probably knew but just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. I’m not trying to be super graphic or anything but there were certain signs like having swollen genitals, blood in my underwear and urine, and bruises that she should have noticed. that's not all that has happened to me but I feel like just writing that out has drained all of my energy.

No. 170604

>>170596 that sick fuck.. I'm sorry to hear that anon, did you ever tell her?

No. 170617

File: 1612625019043.jpg (25.75 KB, 399x399, 2O_H4cIO_400x400.jpg)

I wish every anon here peace in their lives and love. You can do it! Pic is me and fellow anons supporting you

No. 170639

When I was in middle school I was e-groomed by a college-aged guy. It really fucks me up. I hate myself for it so much. Seriously, the “relationship” began with him saying saved and was “gonna fap lol” to a face reveal I made. I was naturally disgusted and scared at first, but the more he gave me attention the more I got used to it and wanted more attention. It eventually evolved into something obsessive, we’d call in the early hours of the morning every night, and we’d always be doing sexual things. This went on for a little over half a year. He was super into weird loli fendom too, and I still have trouble asserting myself with ANYTHING to this day because it reminds me of the stuff we’d act out.

Of course I told him everything I could about myself to him, but he on the other hand remained anonymous. He knew my address… meanwhile I didn’t know anything besides his voice, he was in college, and what his gross dick looked like.
I just feel so fucking stupid for being played and still being mad about it (this was about 5-6 years ago) I know I was a child, but man, he can every red flag known to man. I knew it was wrong…. so why did I stick with it? All because I craved attention, I was so pathetic.

No. 170662


It's not your fault. Im really sorry about this though. Don't let him still control your life by not letting you be happy in relationships

No. 170664

Does any one else get strangely angry or emotional when a character in a piece of media is suffering a similar abusive situation as you did or are, and they get the cared for and worried for. They have people that love them. It just doesn't seem very fair

No. 171156

Anons who involuntarily regress, how do you communicate effectively when your brain's malfunctioning? I find it nearly impossible to speak clearly, much less say anything of value about my emotions or needs. I'm already a total mess when it comes to asking for help even when in a clear state of mind, so tips in that area would be helpful as well. Really, I'd appreciate any advice… I'm learning to manage all this garbage so I can lighten the burden on my loved one.

No. 171162

File: 1612961969193.png (1.77 MB, 1000x4360, PTSDandMDMA.png)

You could try doing MDMA together. Seems like bizarre advice but it really helped me with accepting past abuse and getting closer with my SO. That's also why they're researching it as a PTSD treatment. I really recommend looking into it.

No. 171172

File: 1612964464251.jpeg (70.27 KB, 612x792, 74C18A54-7DFA-4A57-8920-3AF815…)

Have you written a crisis plan? Normally they’re used by professionals but making one for you/your loved one to use could be helpful. You can Google templates and make a personalised one to suit your needs. The basic idea is to list signs that indicate you’re unwell, things that could help, things that won’t help, actions you will take, etc. Write it when you’re well so when you’re not, it’s easier on both of you. You could also make flashcards as a simple way of communicating, like “I’m angry” or ‘I’m thinking about X (negative thing)”. It’s not the same as talking but it’ll give the other person some insight and allow them to help you better.

Sorry pic rel is shit quality but it’s the best example I found.

No. 171216

Thank you very much, Anon! I'll look into it a bit more. This is very helpful.

No. 171432

File: 1613106102563.jpeg (62.54 KB, 392x381, ED94FD6E-F072-49D6-B16E-B073B0…)

I literally don’t think I can survive without my maladaptive daydreaming anymore. If I’m not having imaginary arguments or bloodthirsty power fantasies / revenge scenarios I’m hanging out as a super cool
self-insert with my favorite characters or ships, either as a friend or as their adopted daughter. I’m sex repulsed so it always has to be platonic but extremely loving and affectionate. I’ve been doing this since childhood and I don’t think I can stop.

No. 171453

How maladaptive is it? Meaning, can you survive in your day-to-day life while daydreaming? This may be an unpopular opinion but the real world sucks and is mostly worthless. If you can find real joy and fulfillment in your daydream world, then there's no need to give it up.

No. 171469

I function fine as an independent adult (as in hold a job, pay my own bills, don’t need to be babysat) but my interpersonal relationships are minimal and I tend to be hesitant to create new ones. But maybe that’s just because people fucking suck.

No. 171474

Agreed, daydreaming is one of the least damaging coping mechanisms. Having a comfort character has helped me regulate my negative self talk more than any therapy. I think ppl forgot that dissociative coping mechanisms aren't bad.

No. 171476

I have not related to something so much in a while, I feel like it’s the least damaging coping mechanism that I could come up with in all honesty, having comfort characters just helps a lot

No. 171493

>dissociative coping mechanisms aren't bad
Exactly. Maybe this is more extreme than what you meant, but I believe there's no benefit to being "present in" or "mindful of" this shitty world. I'm perfectly satisfied with my daydreams and they don't hurt anyone else.

No. 171560

Exactly, the whole "be mindful" in the mental health world just seems like pure masochism. No thanks.

No. 171566

True. I beat myself up sometimes for being weird but in the past I have done some damaging things out of anxiety or have picked up obsessive habits that took a real toll. The daydreaming hasn't realistically cost me much except time that I would've spent ruminating anyway. Not saying it's ideal but it isn't the worst either.

No. 171568

Maladaptive dreaming will never be truly fulfilling, it can't be. Maladaptive daydreaming is literally used to fill the voids people have in their life and to experience emotions they (think they) can't experience in their life. It's a substitute for what they want in life but don't have and don't think they can have. Maladaptive daydreaming may not be as damaging as say, alcohol abuse, but it's still very intrusive and damaging. It prevents you from making connections, experiencing emotions and developing as a person irl. That is if we're talking actual maladaptive daydreaming, daydreaming about a character you made up every now and then is not that.

No. 171578

AYRT here. I see where you are coming from but I don't agree. Yes it's wonderful to connect with people and feel different things IRL but, more often than not, one's experiences will be tedious and disappointing if not outright traumatic. For those unwilling to undergo the risk, daydreaming is the best alternative. Personally I think it's a superior option all around, considering that in daydreams the genuinely impossible is just an impulse away.

I understand that it's weird and sad to think there are people content to live in their heads. I'm just not interested in the real world.

No. 171666

Anon this is me to a T. I was a lonely kid so I've been doing it as a coping mechanism since childhood and it just stuck with me. It's definitely been filling in connections that I lack with real people but I've been traumatized enough times in abusive relationships (platonic, professional and romantic) not to reach out to anyone anymore. I have a nice career and I'm a functional adult in my early 30s but I don't think I'm fully capable of loving anyone or experiencing the same range of emotions I do while daydreaming. I've sort of accepted that I'm going to be this for the rest of my life and I guess it's okay. It's actually a relief to hear other people doing this. It's such a huge part of my life to the point I remember more scenarios that I've created in my head than actual IRL memories.

The only thing that's actually damaging me is that during a high stress situation I tend to dissociate and automatically start daydreaming imaginary scenarios between my stupid OCs etc. Like I literally leave the real world for a moment to cope with the stress that a social interaction is causing me.


No. 171680


Right? Why should I bother? Should I go fight for some mediocre moids attention? Have a bunch of kids he can neglect to go fuck his coworkers? I love my friends but they’re preoccupied with their kids (understandable) or their moid problems. I sound bitter but honestly daydreaming makes me less bitter and more like “eh what ever. why bother?”

No. 172565

I relate to this so much it hurts even though it is pitiful that I'm still jobless and friendless I recently got my GED but it doesn't help how I still feel empty and depressed,I will just be a empty shell without my maladaptive daydreaming,it's more than that it's paracosm.no real people involved just made up characters.
I'm sex repulsed too and I definitely don't plan on ever having sex since I'm incapable and men nowadays are pure shit

No. 174694

After years of lying to myself thinking that everything was fine and that I was recovering from a "difficult relationship", I just received a diagnosis of PTSD from abuse and rape during a consultation for depression.

I am utterly broken and lost after this diagnosis by my psychiatrist. It's not really surprising but I think I avoided facing reality and tried to live a "normal" life. I have to face it ow and it's not a pleasant moment. Euphemism.

But now it's the lockdown, and I am unable to physically escape reality or go out for fun and connect with the world. I feel trapped and fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms over and over again: intense daydreaming, pathological reading (including some bad but relatable fanfic), violent and hardcore porn, listening to loud repetitive music and I started to abuse some sleeping pills and killerpain when I definitely can't sleep. I have a difficult relationship with the outside world, every news scared me or made me feel like shit. It is very difficult for me to find a job because of this. Looking for an employment feeds my self-loathing and makes me panic. In addition, I live with super nice roommates, but they are unaware of my situation. So I feel again like I have no privacy and I am tired to constantly hide and control myself.

Usual methods like meditation or sports are not working at all right now. Do you have any advice when the anxiety and intrusive memories come back and to get out those harmful coping mechanisms ? I am currently in therapy, take some medication but since it is a free medical center, follow-up is very slow and I only have an appointment every two weeks or so.

I don't know what to do.

No. 174759

Same. I've been day dreaming since I was like 5 to cope with bullying. I can't even remember the years in middle and high school.

No. 174873

I'm sorry you're dealing with this anon. There are likely more things you can do in the outside world than you think. Whenever you feel the desire to do something unhealthy, try to recognize it and replace it with something positive. Even if it doesn't really "connect" at the time and doesn't make you happier, it's still better than going back to familiar but damaging things that will keep you in the same emotional state. Go for a walk in a park. Take some pictures of pretty things you see, even if it's only with a phone camera. Try something new like painting. Journal how you're feeling. Go thrifting. And don't self isolate even further. You might desire privacy, but frankly you're something of a liability to yourself right now. Go out to do something with your roommates, let them know what's going on as much as you're comfortable sharing, even if it's just, "Hey quarantine has been driving me a bit crazy, you want to go for a walk together?" Get out of your own head for a bit so you can't lose yourself in hurtful thoughts. Also, you don't have to wait for therapy to work on yourself. You say you're dealing with self loathing so I would read books on recovering from abuse like It's My Life Now: Starting Over… by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Life, Reinvented: A Guide to Healing from Sexual Trauma by Erin Carpenter. Even if you can only read a few pages a day, that's better than nothing and it will be part of a more comprehensive healing process.

No. 175215

File: 1615686327893.jpeg (7.47 KB, 235x247, 1607752943197.jpeg)

A few months ago my Narc Dad kicked my Mom and I out of my childhood home because we were around too much for his liking. We're staying at a family friend's house and I've been sleeping on an air mattress for 4 months but of course but of course he's absolutely shocked that I do not wish to spend more of my free time with him anymore. He was also shocked my mom asked for a divorce; though I think that's a front and he's wanted us gone for years because for a Narc everything has gone extremely smoothly. She asked about a month ago and he hasn't had any blowups yet because we've let him think he's winning. Honestly fine with me, as he doesn't have financial control over me anymore and I'll never have to talk to him again within the coming months.

Admitting that everything I felt at the time was real, like the pain and the constantly suicidal thoughts and the brainfog, and not just me being weak and crazy is extremely freeing. It's also made so many other things from my past much clearer. Just talked about this in another thread but I forgot this one exists. The Pandemic has really made me realize just how much I miss my ex. I missed him before the world seemed to end but it's only snowballed from there. He had a very similar traumatic upbringing and we connected deeply because of it. He's one of the only people I've felt a real and deep connection with, and honestly the only person I felt like I didn't have to guard my full true self from. We connected over things not trauma related too, but the abuse survivor aspect gave me a sense of validation I haven't felt since. It's something I feel is very hard to explain to other people, because both of us had really some really bad moments and it ended badly, but he is not a bad person. It's very easy to just fully write him off because, while what he did was shitty, I can see now a lot of it was a major trauma response and he has apologized for it. I should clarify that he has never repeated anything like physical or sexual abuse towards me, it's just we were both very extremely emotionally volatile during the relationship but in the same way. People pleasers, avoid arguing at all costs which builds resentment, trying to talk about certain topics would cause shutdowns in him and narc rage in me. For most people I feel these would be dealbreakers, a sign of an unsuitable partner, but I relate to that struggle so much that I feel like I can't just write him off as a fuckboy. It's so hard knowing that what you're doing is wrong, or harmful to both them and you, but you can't stop because that's the only way you know how to survive. We were both very, very broken people trying to heal. I don't know how to explain that to normal people.

We've been broken up for a few years, and I think we've both healed a lot from where we were back then, but he has a new girlfriend and is far away from me. We talk sometimes, mostly memes, but when I told him everything that went down with my Dad last October he was so supportive and understanding. My last boyfriend would just laugh at me and say I had 'Daddy Issues'.

No. 175233

Does anyone else get nightmares of their abuse being relived except instead of your abusers abusing you in the dream it's someone who's actually good to you in your life? Like I keep having dreams that my boyfriend is committing acts of abuse that my mother inflicted on me even though my boyfriend is not at all abusive or has ever did anything wrong to me. I hate my brain so much for doing this especially because my dreams are so detailed and seem so real.

No. 175567

When I was in high school my bf at the time raped me and then cheated on me and dumped me because I was too pathetic to leave or understand that he was abusing me. I tried to kill myself after and was hospitalized and sperged out online about it and he used that to convince a bunch of people that I was a crazy liar. I became hypersexual for years after that and must have had over 60 partners since then, and now that I am with my long term bf I have been totally unable to be sexual or be touched.

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago but I feel like it's just forcing me to relive my trauma and now I think about my rapist and what he did to me all the time and I haven't made any progress at all. Even worse, I feel really intense shame reflecting back on all my sexual partners and guilty for not being intimate with my bf. I don't really have anything to ask but my therapist kept saying I should try posting to reddit and I don't really use that so maybe this will help.

No. 175593

> but my therapist kept saying I should try posting to reddit
Are you for real? What? What is his reasonig? If a therapist told me that they'd instantly loose their credibility to me. Have you though about changing therapists?

No. 175598

I'm so so sorry anon. Your situation sounds so difficult and the fact your therapist is unearthing your trauma and not actively helping you sort it out must be so painful and upsetting. Absolutely do not post your situation on Reddit. I'm not sure what sort of "therapist" would recommend this but its insane. Definitely change therapists and if possible see someone who specialises in trauma as you said you are weighed down with guilt and reliving the past and once that weight is off you it really helps, trust me. Best of luck.

No. 175605

>but my therapist kept saying I should try posting to reddit
seek another therapist, jesus christ what the fuck
reddit is the last place to go for anything sex-related as a woman

No. 175826

I actually really like my therapist, I'm pretty sure he just meant I should find an anonymous place centred around trauma like a rape survivors subreddit to vent about it, but I don't really think it would be helpful.

No. 175881

A male therapist who directs you to a male cesspit of a site to share your rape story…might not be the best therapist for this situation.

I've always stuck to female therapists given the similar nature of my issues. When you've been sexually abused you generally live with this fear that any other men hearing your story will only secretly get off in hearing the details. That's a super common concern, something that your therapist should be aware of.

No. 175893

I wouldn't demonize reddit and anon's therapist like that. From my experience, if anon posts in female-oriented sub she will be meet with support.
This said, it feels uncomfortable that he pushes her to relive the trauma, it's clearly too early. I have some good experiences with good male therapists but I don't think I would be able to trust someone who is not a woman with a traumatic experience which is so closely connected to what being a woman is like.

No. 175927

Yeah, I initially sought a female therapist but the one I reached out to was pretty awful in my initial assessment and kept trying to fill in my sentences with incorrect assumptions about my feelings so I went with this guy because he was the only other one with available slots.

No. 176004

I wasn't 'demonizing' anyone. You actually agree with my points so ?

No. 176008

Strap in for a long one.

I'm only just realising that I was groomed by someone online when I was 16. He was a bipolar, unemployed 22 year-old from another country and we met through WoW. His bipolar swings were so out of control and he made me feel responsible for him and his depressive episodes which is why I probably stayed and tried to "fix" him or whatever. We had a lot of Skype sex and at the time I was told all the normal grooming shit like "oh you're just mature for your age" and shit like that. What creeps me the fuck out is he'd ask me to pose in different ways for him which I was very flattered by as a young, dumb teenager. He admitted to screenshotting me naked which is fucked my CP pics are probably floating around out there. My parents were clearly worried out of their fucking minds but didn't really think it was sexual. I even bought a plane ticket to go see him, and he said he'd only introduce me to his family as a "friend visiting for a bit" which I thought was fine but clearly that's fucking suspicious. One day he ghosted me and completely cut contact with me and a lot of his family. I think my parents caught wind and verbally interrogated him in one of our Skype calls, then did some online digging themselves and either threatened him online or reported him in to his country's police because he cut contact on everything and stopped using his old Steam, Skype and Facebook accounts, making new ones under a different name, he clearly was trying to hide. I wouldn't be surprised if he's killed himself by now seeming how bipolar he was, and honestly this probably sounds so messed up but I hope he dies a really horrible death and doesn't bother a single woman/girl ever again. I developed a lot of trauma from the year I dated him and I'm still carrying some of that baggage into my mid-20s. If my parents did intervene, I know my teenage self would have been so pissed off but I am eternally grateful as an adult.

Whilst I've worked through a lot of that trauma in therapy, it scares me is how common this sort of online grooming thing seems to be for women around my age, at that time. I've heard quite a few women tell me they had similar experiences and the fact it is so rampant makes me hate men so much.

No. 176050

No doubt he’s awful tbh. But
>I can’t wait to die young
You guys both are so extreme and full of hatred.

No. 176051

Most people daydream btw. It’s normal. I feel most people went through trauma tbh. I used to think I was unique along with some others but after reading this thread and interacting with people irl I realize everyone had a shit life to some degree.

No. 176061

Daydreaming is normal. Having PTSD and trauma, you are just more on edge and more self-aware. Kinda the brain's way of grounding itself, but it can be uncomfortable because we're so used to dissociating.

No. 176092

File: 1616334817136.png (651.87 KB, 1334x750, D17A2DB4-81BC-43B9-85A3-08CADF…)

I become obsessively attracted to men when I form a relationship of any kind with them. From 20-60 year olds, I’m always awaiting them to start touching me randomly or to solicit me. It’s not because I think I’m a bombshell succubus. I don’t know. Probably because of my early exposure to torture porn or lacking a father figure, likely both.

I just need help

No. 176176

File: 1616418148845.jpeg (3.43 KB, 311x162, 5432453.jpeg)

I think I have COVID trauma and I feel so retarded for even typing that because it makes me feel like a Tumblr kid being overdramatic. I had preexisting childhood trauma and an anxiety disorder before everything went to shit. I work at a grocery store and even before COVID the job was too much for my anxiety and I could barely function at work, so apocalypse retail was really really hard on me. I feel stupid because it ended up not being the end of the world but like the first couple weeks of lockdown in my country were genuinely terrifying. Maybe that’s a bit melodramatic but customers were so fucking insane, I was afraid I’d get assaulted at work over the toilet paper. They put pamphlets and everything up in the break room about what to do if attacked by a customer and it was so fucking bleak. There was one called like "It's Not Your Fault: Self-Care After an Altercation with a Customer" and I wish I had taken a photo because it was the most blackpill thing I've ever seen.

Anyway ever since early March I’ve been feeling so paranoid and anxious and I feel like it’s an anniversary reaction. It better be an anniversary reaction because if it’s not I’m becoming schizo or something lol. I’ve had a couple panic attacks at work and like it’s not even bad at work anymore, I just get them out of nowhere. And I can’t watch the news because anything about the variant strains makes me spiral. And I feel so whiny and insane for even feeling this way because I know it wasn't bad enough to traumatize a 'normal' person so clearly I like, purposefully induced trauma in myself by being dramatic and overly sensitive.

No. 176179

There's no one right way to feel about the pandemic, and after a year of it a lot of people feel negative effects of all the stress coming along. Even if you were just sitting at home it would be understandable, but if on top of that you actually work in a grocery store, where you witness panic and overreaction almost on a daily basis, it's just natural it would affect you too. No need to downplay your justified feelings and call yourself overly sensitive.

No. 176301


You're not being over dramatic anon, please don't be so hard on yourself. I feel the same. I think many many people do, but don't want to admit it because there's no simple solution…

I live on a busy street, I don't think I'll ever forget the insane fear I felt when I looked out the window during lockdown and saw that street empty, it's a small moment but I really felt like the world was ending and I was helplessly watching a tsunami wave approaching me.

This is the defining global event of our generation and its normal to let it affect you.

No. 177265

I picked the absolute worst time to realize my mom molested me growing up, just when all these fucking idiot kids are stuck inside spamming shit blaming abuse victims for wanting to feel less alone through coping art. All I can do is sit here and blame myself for being raped by three men after this because my mom taught me that I am just a toy. I thought it couldn't be incest because she never penetrated me really, but she pinched and poked and touched me and slapped me and talked about my body in gross ways and exposed me a lot and came in when I was naked and talked about all of the grandchildren she would force me to have and how painful it was and how it almost killed her but I HAVE TO GIVE HER MORE KIDS TO ABUSE. I was brainwashed so badly I did not even recognize this as bad until last year. I've been walking around, and yes I have been diagnosed CPTSD for ten years now, but never put two and two together because all of the child rape support is aimed at men raping. I look up what happened to me and get fetish porn. I am honestly just so grateful I have a loving partner because I probably would have killed myself otherwise. I hate that I won't ever be able to have support because it is not safe online. I'm petrified even posting anon here. I just feel so dead inside and it hurts so bad that I've been working through stuff only to miss this completely when it was staring me in the face.

No. 179196

My entire life has been tainted by childhood trauma. 50% traumatising experiences, 50% living with them. My head is always in the clouds. I am so sentimental. I feel so shattered and spread across time since the very beginning. The more time progresses, the more I am stretched from the past to the present. I struggle to focus and find peace. I don't want to be the victim nor do I want to be weak. I am strong and stronger than this. I dislike being this lost and disoriented. My whole life has had this undercurrent of turmoil. I am grateful for the turmoil but simultaneously highly disappointed with myself for failing so often. I can only win.

No. 179287

I'm finally going through actually good therapy which I've been putting off for years and have realized that my mom was physically abusive and that does still affect me. It was culturally normal to get "whoopins" but apparently she went way further than spankings (hitting the face, always out of anger, dragging me by the hair, etc). I thought since she never left long term marks it wasn't beatings but it was. I can function generally find but I have cripplingly low self esteem and am a people pleaser and toxic perfectionist because I'm terrified of conflict. Any time someone criticises me even in good normal constructive ways my dumb lizard brain thinks they're angry and going to yell and hit me.
I love my mom and know she's fucked up from her own dysfunctional childhood but what she did still hurt me. I thought it was okay because she genuinely regretted what she did and would hold me and apologize but after reading about child psychology that's even more confusing to a child. I hate that that has damaged our relationship and it's frustrating that even though she regrets it she doesn't understand why I sometimes lash out when she uses a particular tone of voice. It was how she used to talk before she blew up when I was a kid so now I just become blindingly angry myself when it happens. I feel like a monster because I lash out and yell and I'm afraid of what I might do with a partner in the future.
she stopped beating me and only occasionally hit me after when I was 11 because I got bigger and started hitting her back
I feel responsible for fixing everyone too, and I know I have to be careful because I'm drawn to toxic victim-savior relationships.
I'm glad to be addressing it in therapy- I went for CBT for adhd and my therapist listened to my thought processes and noticed that there was something else going on too.

No. 179296

I don't have anything of value to add, just to say that our stories are so remarkably similar. You aren't alone in what you went through and you're not a static human. You have already shown the ability to grow, resist mistreatment and reflect on your experiences. You'll get to where you want to be, and you'll break the cycle. Believe in yourself. You're strong and unstoppable

No. 179303

Thank you anon that means a lot to me, I haven't talked about this with anyone except my psychiatrist and it feels good to just say it. I'm sorry you went through similar things but you're strong too. We're going to build our futures despite our pasts, brick by brick.

No. 179894

I started reading the recommended trauma books but they always bring my brain straight to my past… and I always judge myself, and it's just been annoying to try to finish them. Is it worth it? Has anyone been grateful they read books about overcoming cptsd? Or would it be better to stick to dbt stuff and just truck along?

No. 179908

what books are you reading, anon?

No. 179912

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

No. 181487

It just hurts very much. I can't think nor feel properly. I want to live.

No. 181488

>The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Late reply but I dropped this highly acclaimed book because on the first few pages the author (?) sympathises with a male soldier that came home with PTSD from all the raping he did. I'm not kidding. It made me immediately stop reading.

No. 181489

what the fuck, hope the guilt kills every rapist soldier

No. 181490

File: 1619382275134.png (108.43 KB, 1802x442, Screenshot (268).png)

I'm shocked that nobody mentions this about the book

No. 181493

Wow. I've heard this recommended often, and now I'll be sure to never pass it along.

No. 181494

men are truly the worst. I have no words for this. How do you go in your head from "enemy killed my friend and it broke my heart" to "I murder children and rape women now". He should be executed for war crimes, not be sympathized with.

No. 181495

I also like how she smoothly plays off these men trying to hook up with prostitutes as "just boyz being boyz~" when they supposedly have women they love with all their hearts back home.

>They exchanged pictures of their families and girlfriends… They got drunk together and chased the same Vietnamese bar girls.

If that's the only type of "love" males are capable of, ready to fuck a commodified human at a moment's notice even when they already have a partner, I'll pass.

No. 181498

Yeah, that part was the first red flag for me, even though I thought it meant bothering waitresses or something. Like aggressively flirting with them (ESL here). Shit turned out to be even worse.

No. 181501

You're probably right that it was flirting, which would be bad enough (apparently she thinks it's fine when you're thousands of miles away from your partner?), I just assume the worst of men. And yeah… definitely got a lot worse. I'm shocked this gets so many accolades.

No. 181659

>I'm shocked this gets so many accolades.
Same, this book is being recommended EVERYWHERE. Even among (radical) feminists, who in my opinion really should know better. I understand that the rest of the book might be extremely helpful, but it's weird that it's recommended without any disclaimer. Who knows what other harmful passages may be in it? I'm not for censoring works from the past in order to not offend current sensibilities, but since it's a book for victims of trauma, I wished there was some revised version specifically for patients. They don't deserve to be directly compared to their abusers. The med professionals can keep reading the original though kek. Or IDK, maybe a new book should be written based on the valuable content from The Body Keeps The Score and modern psychology research. I don't think that a self-help book with such harmful content should be considered a go-to material for trauma victims.

No. 192485

I can't relate on the stress of possibly being physically attacked in person, and I'm so sorry that you dealt / are dealing with that. I work customer service as part of my job online but sometimes I can't bare the idea of having to log in in the morning, I get stomach butterflies thinking about having to deal with bad customers. Last month I had a customer threaten to harass me and kept making new accounts just to throw insults. I've had therapy for childhood trauma but I didn't think something like my job would trigger my fear of being berated. I'm moving back home soon so I'm hoping I can take a few weeks off just to rethink what I want to do or how I'm going to handle it better.

No. 203131

Don’t read if you’re triggered by sexual abuse
Hey Nonitas
I was constantly subjected to sexual jokes by my father (bio father as I would like to call him), he would describe his sex life in detail to me (cheated on mom) when I was a minor, told me someday I would enjoy “dick” when I told him it grosses me out, made fun my gender ever since I was able to talk by calling me camel toe, and once he fondled my boobs and said they’ve grown a lot lately.

I think I’ve avoided rape solely because I’m not his type. He’s a narc and I’ve suffered tons of emotional abuse, he would often call me ugly and said he would never date a woman like me.

I’ve always brushed it off as emotional abuse but now I think I’ve had sexual abuse as well. What do you think?

No. 203134

Well he flat out grabbed your boobs and constantly made sexually charged comments at you. I'd say that's definitely sexual abuse.

No. 203472

Just a weird trigger I want to get off my chest.

Fucking vacuums. It's so stupid to me. I know why, and I understand why - growing up, my mom had a lot of chronic pains and issues with her back so she never did things like vacuum, she delegated that to me most of the time. So hearing the sound of a vacuum when I or my brothers weren't cleaning meant that she was awake and angry. She only ever vacuumed when she was angry.

I didn't even realize it triggered anything outside of the context of being at my parent's house until I spent the night with my friend when I was 17 and her mom vacuumed the floor above my friend's room. I can't even describe what it felt like, looking back. When I dissociate, it's like playing a VR game. Even while dissociating hard, I had to stay functional or else worse things could happen. But being in an environment that my brain perceived as "safe" - i.e., away from my mother, it's more like I stopped being able to rationalize anything. Those five minutes of vacuuming are engraved into my brain. I couldn't do anything. Luckily my friend and I had already chilled out for the evening at that point, her being on her phone and me hanging at the side of her bed looking out her window watching whatever last bit of dusk there was left. I couldn't think at all, and I was mortified that my friend would talk to me, and I wouldn't be able to talk back, or even understand what she was saying - but at the same time I couldn't even feel the fear I was experiencing. It's stupid to say, but it's like my entire existence was replaced with the sound of a vacuum upstairs for those five or so minutes. I kept trying to think and rationalize it, that I wasn't at home and this was my friend's mom, but I couldn't think. It's like I forgot language entirely. Desperately trying to cling onto some word, any word or sound, but nothing was there. Just what was around me, and that noise.

It's a ramble, but I don't know why I can't forget that. I've forgotten most all of what I experienced at the hands of my parents and still have a good relationship with them. Still very close with the friend in question, too. But that moment won't leave me, and as much as I hate how horrible my memory is, it's the one thing I want to forget. It's not even the worst I've felt due to things like dissociation or panic attacks. I don't know why it's stuck with me. I just wish it would go away.

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