No. 587774
>>587763Externalize, don’t internalize. You wouldn’t hate yourself for other people having shit beliefs in any other context.
Reframe this as a good thing in some way. And I don’t mean in the agp fetishist way. I feel like I am correcting a “wrong” when I deny males a way in which to “have’ me. I imagine myself as a spider queen. I shun them from my nest, they die, and take their nasty minds with them.
No. 587798
>>587723You're still attached to dysphoria in some way. The fact that you're using this term instead of something more specific and personal to you (self-loathing, shame, fear of re-victimization, whatever else) is a sign that you still rely on it. Good therapy helps but it's no easy task to find a good psych who will actually help you challenge yourself.
>this is the same as when youre psychotic and self aware or severely mentally impaired by destructive thought patterns No it's not. Unless you were the kind of autist TiF that's cut off from reality and believed she could actually become male, it's nothing like psychosis. What's more likely is you didn't want to let go of your symptom, deep down. And that's normal but you'll never truly change for the better if you don't accept dysphoria is just a crutch. You seem close though, wanting a practical solution is a very good sign you're ready to move on from ruminating. Good luck nona.
No. 589660
I just recently turned 18, and I'm coming up on my 2-year testosterone anniversary. I was a stupid, mentally ill child and I, for some fucking reason, thought it was a good idea to take STEROIDS before I even knew how to drive. God, nonas, how could I do that to myself?! My mom showed me a picture of my eleven-year-old self a few weeks ago since she was looking back on my old pictures for my birthday - as I saw the image, my heart shattered, because all I could think of is how deeply I betrayed that sweet child. I want to weep. I will never be that healthy, free or unbothered again.
I don't know what to do. I seriously don't know what to do. God, I wish I didn't decide to be a permanent medical patient when I was 16. I wasted my entire adolescence larping as a man because I wasn't respected as an ugly autistic lesbian and somehow I roped my entire family into it.
The fact that I was young when I started testosterone and the fact that I'm naturally "masculine" makes it so I am, today, indistinguishable from a man to the vast majority of people. I will never, ever be a regular woman - not that I ever knew how to relate to other girls anyways, because of the aforementioned autism and homosexuality. But I yearn for female friendships and for sweet, romantic love with another woman. I'm so godamn lonely. I'm not a man, but the fact that I look like one makes it so I can't make female friendships, even online. I'm mourning a life I never even gave myself the chance to have.
The grief is so overwhelming. I can't go back. My beautiful singing voice is gone, I'm hairy, I have to take DHT blockers to prevent myself from balding after I poisoned myself with a hormone that made me bald.
This post has no real structure, no real purpose. To be honest, I'm probably going to keep living as a "man", because I don't want to go back to being forced to conform to the utter humiliation of the female gender role, and I don't want to go through all of the nightmarish hormonal changes of female puberty, and I don't want to see the look on my mother's face when I tell her she allowed me to ruin my life (not that I blame her at all). I just need to get this off my chest, because God knows I have no friends who'd listen. I wish I could go back in time and hug that precious child and tell her that she's lovely just the way she is, and that she doesn't have to poison herself. It's all so awful.
No. 589671
>>587763>society assigns me worth for having a uterusIt really doesn’t though. At most you are just recognised as someone with one.
>I hate being desired Males are also “desired”, moreover, this isn’t much an issue exclusively solved with transition.