/g/ - girl talk

I'm not old old but I'm in my late 20's, been in about 5 relationships, longest now being 9yrs.

Having the talk about serious things over and done with a few months in: do you want kids? do you have health issues? marriage or no? family contact or no? future ideas? (do you wanna be a stay at home mom? or vice versa?) career stuff, if this is sorted out and you align, mostly (and for things you aren't, both are open to compromise) it should save a lot of issues and means they're also considering the relationship serious.

Knowing each others boundaries and personal bubbles, lots of people get 'lost' in their relationship and tend to hive mind but I've found those are usually the short-lived or unhappy ones, you are your own individual person, there's nothing wrong with seperate interests nor hobbies and having space to be you, not everything has to fully align to be compatible but there has to be a middle ground.

Pride is a sin and will be a breaker, apologise if you're in the wrong. If you call your partner a slur in the heat of a stressful time, you outright apologise and do not expect to be forgiven (for the name calling, obviously you know you did wrong so there's nothing to forgive). You talk things out, stubbornness just makes cracks appear and if you can't be honest and open with your partner then what's the point of a relationship? So if they're not stubborn or prideful about admitting they're wrong that's a good green flag.

This is a cute thread! Just yesterday I discovered The Gottman Institute, a husband and wife duo who study love and relationships. This particular article is about responding positively to your partner, which strengthens marriage and prevents divorce.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

The whole website is lovely and worth reading, but this seems to be the ultimate key to a lasting relationship.

I'm quite mentally unwell rn and just moved to a new place. my boyfriend has been messaging my flatmate to check how I'm coping and giving her tips about things that help when I'm in a state. I didn't know this until she told me the other day. it just seems like a really sweet quiet way of caring for me.

>>178076
>Family contact or no?
What is this asking? Whether or not you are in contact with your family?

>>178081
That is so sweet! Honestly any kind, considerate gesture that a person does for another without making it known is a huge green flag

Someone who is attentive and a person of their word. I see so many people staying in bad relationships where they've asked their partner to do xyz thing fifty times and they still haven't made a change. It's quite simple: If their outlook is in line with yours and they care about your well being, they'll listen and follow through the first time. Sure, people forget things on occassion, but you shouldn't need to repeat yourself ad infinitum. I feel like most people say "Every relationship has its problems" to excuse it, but that should mean they sometimes forget to wash the dishes or write your parents a holiday card, not avoid saying they love you or sharing in activities you enjoy.

I don't think everyone has to go into relationships as a perfect version of themselves, but they should be willing and eager to learn. If you bring something up that hurts you, would make you feel more appreciated, more secure in the relationship and so on, your partner should listen and then make continued efforts to act accordingly. It's all the more a green flag if they actively ask you and show an interest in the things they can do to make you feel loved.

So I came out of an incredibly abusive relationship and I was one of the regulars on red flags after and during my breaking up with him, and now I've been with the most wonderful partner for nearly a year- He is so caring, attentive, thoughtful, and all in all I feel so safe- I'm going to drop a bunch of green flags, both that applied from the beginning and ones that have grown over time and shown me that I'm with the most loving boyfriend:

> incredibly good listener, has never been selfish and is level-headed and mature

> incredibly enthusiastic and grateful for the things that make him happy, can talk for hours like nothing else and has lots of goals and aspirations

> never had any red flags but he used to not be the best with communication, us both having ASD, but when he noticed the difficulties he knuckled down and confronted this when he's had problems with this for donkey's years, that showed me that if there was any issue between us, from the bottom of his heart he'd want to work on it together

> has seen me an absolute mess and still treats me with all of the love and patience he does when I'm completely alright, expresses his gratitude and that I do the same and will say how lucky he is

> never have to beg or ask for anything, he just does things out of love because he wants to

> always supportive and takes an interest in everything from my life to whatever silly little hyperfixations I have, we sperg together happily

> down to earth and gentle, but firm where it matters, like about encouragement and growth together, is the same with friends and family

> treats his mother and sister with respect and support, is the favourite brother by far because he's dependable and sweet, NEVER disrespects women

> if there's anything on his mind big or small he'll say he wants to talk about it, no awkwardness between us, have never argued and have only ever discussed and gotten stronger for it together

> kind to animals and strangers

> not violent or aggressive whatsoever- might shut down gently if annoyed or sad but immediately expresses it to people after and never loses his cool at anyone

> passionate about his interests and motivated, is very motivating and hype to you and your goals too

> goofy but in the very sweet way

> has never been controlling or said anything abusive, never name calls, too respectful

> can stand his ground and values his beliefs

I'm really happy and I look up to him so much and I dunno anons, I never thought I'd get to experience a love even more vibrant than I did when I was eighteen and with the same dude for three years (he cheated and got shitty towards the end) and he was a really good friend to me way before we dated but we just ended up falling for one another and he said from the start that I deserve warmth and love and he's shown me nothing but that

>>178154

regulars on the red flag thread here *

>>178154
Good on you anon

This one is kind of broad I think but I just got into a new relationship which has been wonderful so far – he was just a friend for a couple years, I always thought he was attractive and had a lot in common with him and the green flag I had to shoot my shot was that he changed a major off-putting thing about his personality (his tendency to get angry when overwhelmed or stressed), and seemingly did so completely without the input of anyone else. We've talked about it since we started dating and he confirmed my suspicions – he was ashamed and disgusted by his anger issues and sought counseling, and also did not date while he was working on it, and he now responds to stress by just talking through it and asking for help.

>>178402
This is a great green flag. You want someone who knows how to deal with their personal issues. We all have issues from time to time, it's unavoidable, so knowing someone can deal with them successfully all while taking into account other people and how it impacts them is a very good sign.

>Empathy.

Honestly, I feel like this should be the #1 thing you look for.

It's especially hard to find in hetero relationships. Men often have empathy for each other, but not other women. So if you find someone where you mutually feel like you're coming from the same place and experience life in similar ways, this is huge.

It will help you through everything.

>>178441
I second this notion.

>>178048
>>178087
Well whether they have a good relationship or not with their family and you/they want to have contact with them, in my case my partner's mother is a crazy awful woman so we're no contact and if family gatherings/things like that that's important to you or having a big family then it can be a decider for long term relationships.

>>178076

>a slur

ngl, had to pause to laugh. The relationship is so over after that, that's so specific/intentional and kinda scary because that means they were secretly thinking bigoted things about you the whole time? That's a wolf in sheep's clothing


>>178048
some green flags that have helped me know everything was right

>asks how I'm doing during particularly stressful periods
>makes me my favorite meal in the morning if I had a rough previous night
>knows details about my hobbies and offers to participate and learn more
>a history of good friendships/keeping good company
>his friends are nice people
>is happy at the idea of me branching out and making new friends
>deeply empathetic


Empathy is really what it all boils down to, as previously mentioned.

>>179017
sorry wrong synonym, I meant insult, like 'asshole' or whatever, I'm retarded but I meant if you say 'aaah fuckin dickhead' when you're both sleep deprived and putting together ikea stuff, petty things you easily talk through. Sorry again I'm retarded with wording sage for no contribution.

>empathy and nonjudgemental
>good listener, will let you share your feelings without interrupting or invalidating them
>realization of their own issues and working on them without the need for you to point them out
>if you do point something out, or make an innocuous comment in passing, they'll put the effort in to make you happy
>respectful; doesn't badmouth others, not even behind the others backs
>attempts to get close to your family and makes the effort to befriend your friends
>will go above and beyond for you
>will travel the distance if you're far apart and not complain about it
>will not compromise - all your goals and visions for the future align
>won't compare you to others and loves you for you
>small acts of kindness everyday like making breakfast for you without your request
>words of reassurance and affirmation when needed
>they can read your mind and just 'get' you - they know when you need your space, when you need their support, what words to use to make you feel better, if you want to talk about something etc.
>they love their loved ones and are always planning ways to show it i.e. giving positive feedback and praise, putting in a ton of effort and thought into a gift or a birthday card's written words etc.
>remembers important dates and anniversaries, is sentimental, remembers special moments between you two, you have your inside jokes, they remember the memories you lived without them
>will protect you and defend you if someone slanders you or slights you
>but if you're being immature, they'll straighten you out in a mature, level-headed way
>responds to stressful situations cool-headed and calmly
yeah i think that's all i have, might think of more later