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No. 185752
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>>185723Probably makes him feel guilty for not giving her enough attention or giving her less than anon.
Sleeping in the same bed is so creepy though.
>>185700My bf's mother, among other things, would always give him the simplest homemade food you can imagine to go when we lived together and he visited parents. For example, some porridge and minced meat cutlets (which weren't that tasty tbh). It always annoyed me. Firstly, we could make it ourselves. It's not like a pie or cookies or something. Just some porridge. It was like she thought her son was starving, even though I cook just fine and he learned to do it as well. Secondly, it was like she was deciding what we had to eat for the next two days, because otherwise the food would spoil. I didn't eat it anyway though.
At the beginning of our relationships I was going to stay overnight and she was okay with it right until we started preparing for a sleep. She suddenly wasn't okay anymore (bf thinks it was because she saw me in his clothes, says her face changed when she noticed what I was wearing) and told him about it. We ordered taxi, and as I was putting my shoes on she was saying to me that it's nothing personal and she just couldn't do it. Later she told my bf that she and his father have slept in different beds when visiting her parents long ago. Like me staying there overnight was immodest. We were both 23 at the moment, and I was staying because next day was my bf's birthday and we thought it'd be more convenient if I stayed (we live almost at opposite ends of a city).
When we meet, she's quite friendly though. Yet I think it's still hard for her to accept that her boy is an adult and has a relationship, so by default she's ready to hate me for any reason.
His father is more
toxic. You can always clearly see that he does everything out of faux politeness. Seems like a narcissist tbh. It's good that they both won't be openly antagonistic, so it's pretty easy to endure meetings with them, but there's nothing pleasant about them either, you just sit waiting for them to end. It's also weird that they expect me to visit on birthdays etc. but it's not like they enjoy my company or something. Once I didn't visit for more than a year, and they would tell my bf that I was disrespectful, didn't respect either them or even him, lol, even though he would prefer me to stay home anyway, because he doesn't want me to endure this passive aggressive atmosphere around them.
They are also quite manipulative and always "know better", so I am a bad influence by default. When my bf doesn't want to do something that they want him to do, his father would always ask "have you talked with anon or something? is that what anon thinks?", lol. And all I tell my bf is just that he can do whatever he wants 'cause he's a big boy.
Sorry for a lack of amusing stories and complaining
No. 185783
>>185766I've noticed this too. Or where the mothers of
abusive/violent men will do everything in their power to blame another woman so that their sons can remain innocent little boys in their eyes.
No. 185793
>>185766My husband doesn't buy them for her. He gets pissed every time. Sometimes he will find a cheaper/used version of things she asks for on ebay if they are less than $100.
In college he got an internship in New York where he was living on canned lasagna and ramen just to afford living there. She had the audacity to drop hints that it would be "so nice" if he came back home with something in a little blue box for her. i.e. she wanted something from Tiffany's.
He got her a Kate Spade bag instead. I thought even that was weird. He felt obligated to get something for her when he was a student $30k in debt just scraping up enough money for groceries.
Once I watched Pride and Prejudice with her, during the final scene when Darcy is confessing his love she goes, "I want a man like that. Tall, dark, mysterious, successful…"
I'm like okay you are an overweight 56 year old who doesn't do anything except watch TV all day.
No. 185919
>>185889Money just seems to disappear with her.
Before my husband's grandma died, she talked about how she did not trust my MIL. She told my husband she wanted her life insurance to pay off his student debt, and she wanted to make sure the rest when to his younger sister for college. He watched her sign the will.
Somehow, my MIL intervened and got all the money. Instead of helping her children out, she bought an $80k car and nobody knows what happened to the rest of the money.
IMO she stole that money from her kids and continues to steal from their futures. I actually hate her.
No. 186392
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Anons… I need an advice. How do you handle passive aggressive in-law, the one who hate you for no reason (well, in my situation because i "stole her brother", she also blames me for her breakup with an ex; they didn't show up to our wedding by lying (I would understand that they just didn't want to come) ), shortly after our wedding announcing that they are getting married just for him to dump her, ever since she gone crazy)?
I tried grey rock method but over time it just stopped working and she started acting even more obnoxious. I never argued with her or shown any aggression, always kept friendly and polite attitude. I get a huge anxiety whenever she is around and it makes me feel like shit, everytime I'd come over to his mother and she would show up from their basement I'd feel miserable, wanting to cry. It's all hard for me because I am half of the world apart from my family, have not seen for two years now, can't even buy any tickets, let alone find a job as immigrant and I still can't find any IRL friends due to lockdown.
- I am a foreign. Everyone in the family speaks English fluently (without counting their father's side which we visit rarely). She would always start talking in their language on purpose so I would feel excluded and confused. I started learning the language, I wanted my partner to make it a surprise (so I would know what the fuck she's saying; our languages are a bit similar so it's easy for me. After I started learning I realised that a big chunk of things she would say were her insulting me), but he got so happy that he announced it in our gc. The good part about it is that she stopped showing up or she would not talk anything at all when we come over;
- Started talking shit about me to their mutual friends, so that they distanced themselves from my partner. Shortly after she declared a war against me she started manipulating their little brother onto thinking I am the enemy; me and him used to have nice chit chats every now and then, good relationship but now it's long time gone;
- She would always make sure I feel excluded and not like I belong to this family at all when I am around, pushing me out of things, making others ignore me by going ' me me me ', all sorts of stuff so I would spend hours sitting in a corner and staring at a wall, not being able to do anything about it. She abuses it especially whenever we visit father, now it's even worse because she disconnected me from their little brother who lives with him;
- She hates me, but is also involving her own brother (my husband) in it which breaks my heart because he doesn't deserve it (I understand she does that to try making me and him argue), him and mother's birthday are two days apart, we always celebrate at mother's. She bought mother a nice gift and when we celebrated his birthday, she didn't even tell him a happy birthday not gave him a gift; just showed up, took food and left to her basement. As for my birthday, she came all smug-looking, just to end up being forced by her grandmother to give me a gift that obviously was meant to be a Christmas gift for mother, because it's related to her job field. Well, at least seeing her being pissed off and having sour face was fun;
- On Christmas, I bought her a nice, thoughtful blanket set with comfy slippers, everything is cute and she loved it just for me to get a 1€ notebook off AliExpress from her. She showed up with 5 huge gifts for her mother, another 5 huge gifts for her grandmother just to give me this. She also bought her brother (my husband) a cheap deodorant set even though all years before me and him got married she would give him nice, thoughtful gifts;
At the beginning when I met her, she would always make sure to talk shit about herself whenever she tries to compliment me, or would straight up say she wishes she had my xyz, I kept being friendly and polite no matter what, but after listening all of her stories where she is the victim and the world is against her I gave up and kept my distance. If that helps she keeps thinking my whole life and me are perfect, because her ex family hated the shit out of her, which is also why she is doing all of this to me.
I am just tired of feeling a huge wave of anxiety and panic attacks whenever she is around. I did nothing to hurt her but all I get is shit. I haven't seen her in half of a year thankfully, because she stopped showing up thanks to me learning the language, but she paid herself weight reduction surgery (instead of losing weight normally) and now she will make sure to show up and brag about herself. I thought of maybe buying myself calming medication to take each time I would visit family now, but I know it's not gonna fix my mind in the long run. I don't want to be the one who drinks the sadness away, which reminded me that she is obsessed with bragging about that she never drinks because women shouldn't drink. She always brags about things to make her seem 'special' as it it's some sort of competition, when I am just vibing around.
No. 186428
>>186392what does your husband think of all this behavior? if it's affecting his relationships with his friends and family then I'm assuming he's not blind to it. I get not wanting to cause problems, but you're NOT the one causing the problem, she is, and you deserve to stand up for yourself. Standing up for yourself is attempting to solve the problem, when everyone else would rather ignore it. Have your husband stand up for you. If she was insulting you in their native language and he didn't stand up for you immediately, he is part of the problem. Tell him to get his head out of his butt and support you.
You two are a team. He should be backing you up and defending you against her shit. It's HIS family. If you've tried gray rock and it hasn't worked, you two need to figure out what the plan should be. Confront her together or go no contact together. She's gotten away with her behavior for way too long, if you don't think she'd take you seriously confronting her, get him to set his sister straight with you there in the room. It's not you against her, it's his problem too, and it's not your job to fix it alone if your attempts haven't worked.
No. 186492
>>186392I would be frank and polite. Juste ignore her if you can, for exemple if she's over you just say hi and go do other thing (like working in the garden). Don't talk to her, just leave when she's here. At you in law's house, just talk with everyone else. If she try to confront you, just tell the truth "I've tried to get along with you but it's not working", "I thought you were uncomfortable with me so I try not to upset you" and my personal favorite :"you don't like me, why should I bother?".
If you don't like someone even the sound of they breathing is annoying.
It's your husband battle. His family his problem. Just book a short trip when they come! Go see friends and don't give a fuck.
No. 186499
>>186392read that whole thing in sarah paulson's crying voice for some reason.
How old is your husband's sister? She sounds like she's 16
No. 227335
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>>227317I don't know anon, while it feels annoying to you, I think that all of this is really normal. It's like you want to interpret their behaviour in a negative way because you are a bit insecure. For exemple, I really feel like the mother was just trying to be genuinely nice to you, you just need to learn to take a compliment. Your weird reactions probably made her think that you lack confidence so she is trying super hard to hype you up to compensate. The sister was probably trying to make you feel part of the family by telling you all those little reference, I can't even understand why you would interpret it as her wanting to emphasize their siblings bond. It's normal for the sister to choose to talk about this, she assumed that you both had your bf as a comon discussion topic, and her being rude to him is straight up normal sibling behaviour.
No. 227347
>>227317you sound dangerously mentally ill. seriously, this is like reading a bpd-chan's attempt to frame everyone around her as
toxic and
abusive. i've always had this impression that a whole lot of people who complain about their parents or parents in law being narcissists/similar are themselves the problem - subs like JustNoMIL are a breeding ground for cows
No. 227350
>>227325Idk it sounds like you're determined to read bad intentions into everything. Just say "aw you're sweet, thank you" when she compliments you and change the subject. It's much more pleasant than seething about this older lady trying to be nice. You're presumably an adult, taking a compliment isn't rocket science. I don't think you're even mad at the family, you're angry that they are putting you in situations beyond your social skills.
Like when your boyfriend and his sister talk with references. A normal response would be to ask about their in-jokes or share some of your own, not just "stand there feeling like a stranger." They're not doing that to you, you're doing it to yourself.
And if your boyfriend is chatting to them while out with you, ask him to put his phone on mute? How is it their fault when he can just choose to say "I'm out, chat later"?
No. 227376
>>227335>Your weird reactions probably made her think that you lack confidence so she is trying super hard to hype you up to compensate.But it's not a matter of insecurity on myself, it's about being UNCOMFORTABLE with her because she's the mother of my first boyfriend. I don't need her to tell me that I look pretty today, I don't give a shit about it , but if she tells me that I have to ''thank'' her for telling me which is absurd. If she really wanted to make me feel good around her wouldn't have she already tried another way? I'm not shy, I talk a lot and act very interested about her life. She is only doing that cultural shitty rite that is complimenting a young girl because why on earth would you not do that! Sometimes I believe she feels good making me feel embarrassed and also tells herself what a good woman she is by talking nice about my appeareance.
>The sister was probably trying to make you feel part of the family by telling you all those little reference, I can't even understand why you would interpret it as her wanting to emphasize their siblings bond.Because when she does that she DOESN'T talk to me, she talks directly to my boyfriend like I'm not there, no eye contact whatsoever, no , and that's it. She doesn't include me in the conversation, sometimes afterwards she explains it to me but only after she has had her laugh with him, of course.
>and her being rude to him is straight up normal sibling behaviour.This girls is bossy all around her family and nobody talks to her like that. I can't stand that.
>>227338>The sister on the other hand takes care of her brother way too much, he may become dependent on you like he is to his sister as you date.I've already thought of it but actually she is the one dependent of her little brother more than he is of her.
> Other than that they don't sound too bad, do you have autism or social anxiety by any chance? It sounds like you're either competing or with them instinctively or simply dislike talking with people you're not close to.I don't have anything diagnosed but that's not the case. They aren't stupid women, thay are actually very intelligent and sharp, I'm pissed that they can't read on my face how uncomfortable I am sometimes. The fact that they probably believe they're such a nice family that takes me out to dinner and gives me presents from time to time doesn't mean anything if they can't actually be really polite, not polite in a fake conventional way.
>>227347Literally said they aren't
toxic on the first line and never used the term
abusive. Someone here is exaggerating and it's not me. If my angsty tone made you think I was painting things worse than they are, they aren't.
>>227350I'm tired of being automatically complimented everytime I see my boyfriend's mother. It feels fake and unnecessary. I don't have to thank anyone for such low effort comment. And she makes a big deal of it, doing it in front of other family members, looking directly at me smiling patiently until I say something. How can she expect me to have a natural casual reaction when her words aren't casual neither natural at all? She sees constantly how she leaves me with no words with such innecessary opinion. It's like my flatmate, she comes to me after I have finished eating, my dish is empty, and she tells me ''That smells really nice!''. Holy shit, was that really necessary? My boyfriends mother makes a huge deal of it.
>Like when your boyfriend and his sister talk with references. A normal response would be to ask about their in-jokes or share some of your own, not just "stand there feeling like a stranger." They're not doing that to you, you're doing it to yourself.As I said above, she talks to him like I'm not there, her body language and uses of verbs make very clear that that is only between them. It's very different from other situations where she explains an anecdote.
No. 227397
>>2273941) smells linger, she was probably able to deduce what you cooked
2) it's not weird, it's small talk
3) at worst she's just socially awkward, but that's not an insult towards you
No. 227398
>>227397Now you're going to tell me that raw integral boiling spaghetti smell ''very nice'' too. I know what small talk is and that was a weird context to say that.
>but that's not an insult towards you??? Where did I say that was an insult? Why do you makre that up? I just said it's weird.
No. 227400
>>227398>at worst she's just socially awkwardRead this again and actually understand it. People can say stupid shit when they're on autopilot. You seem to be very angry about it. It's not a big deal.
>>227399Idk, seems like a bit of both. I've interacted with a fair share of autists who look at small talk, social conventions etc with extreme bitterness and assume the worst every time.
No. 227404
>>227400I don't know what posts are you reading but I'm not mad at anyone. My tone of voice is surprised rather than angry. You didn't answer my questions. I'll assume you don't have any answer to why would she say raw boiling spaghetti smell very nice.
>>227399>>227401Why are you so mad at me?
No. 227408
>>227406It's not the case with this girl, she's an extrovert and talks with other flatmates quite frequently. I was sitting backwards when she passed by and made that comment so she definitely had no need to do that. Not that I believe that's a crime, she was some minor example to illustrate a bit what my boyfriend's mother does sometimes.
I'm just questioning why some people would rather say something nice when the ocassion doesn't require it or it's likely that it won't be well received, instead of talking about something else or not saying anything at all. I don't understand why would anyone interpret what I say as BPD behaviour or jealousy.
No. 227424
>>227408I mean, it's possible she feels more comfortable talking to the other flat mates than you. I've a friend who is extroverted but becomes nervous klutz around people she doesn't know very well, or people who give off stand offish vibes. It's just one possibility, you don't know what's going on in her head nor in her life.
People say and do nice things because they're kind and want to spread kindness. 99% of people like when people are nice to them. Next time, just thank the person and move on.
No. 227431
>>227430Anon, the thread is about
Toxic Mothers in Law, not a relationships general.
No. 227433
>>227431I've seen very
toxic mothers in law but this one sounds like an old lady who's awkwardly trying to make small talk and compliment nona when she seems insecure. If I missed anything let me know.