/g/ - girl talk

I grew up cathoilic and the existence of sex was basically never acknowledged. To this day I've never had any mention of sex happen between me and my parents. Not even educational, not ever.

When I moved out of home I spent the first 2 years sleeping around in a scene that was full of people with various kinks and all sorts of gender bending shit going on (back before that took off, most of them were pretty chill compared to that crowd now) I slept with every kind of person in just about every way and got it out of my system. I collected a lot of sex toys and had a blog around toys and sharing my experiences. My online and offline life was pretty consumed by sex at that time.

Then I snapped out of it. I've had 2 longish relationships and 2 longish gaps of being single too. I'm sexless during the gaps because I no longer crave it like I did. I own one toy and it doesn't get used much. I don't doubt that phase was my reaction to my parents refusing to touch on the subject of sex in any way. I know a phase of sexual discovery is pretty normal at that age but I took it to an extreme.

You do know that you're going to hell for this photo right?
You fucking sinning whore(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

this is super fucked thinking back but i think i'm over it at this point and being able to talk about this stuff anonymously helps because i still dont feel comfortable opening up about it to my irl friends
>What caused your sexual repression?
I dont remember when and how I discovered masturbation but I know the first time my mom caught me it was before elemantary school, I dont think I even knew what sex was at that point I randomly discovered rubbing on pillows felt good and I would do it secretly sometimes(tbh i suspect if i was molested very early on in life just erased it from my memory because i never did it in front of my parents so the fact that i knew it had to be hidden is suspicious but i dont want to dig too deep into it because i dont want to find out something that'd hurt me) anyways one day my mom caught me by peeping through the key hole then had a talk with me it was the most embarassing moment of my life to this date i felt sick, first question she asked was if i had put a pencil inside and she was so relieved when i said no, she literally only cared if i was still a "virgin" or not which traumatized me for life im still terrified of penetrative sex. Then she told this incident to my aunt and she would jokingly insuniate stuff around me which made me even more ashamed then one day my cousin when we had a sleepover after a family dinner put on a porn channel on tv(ones where you had to enter a password to enter) and he would watch and laugh as i was doing stuff under my blanket, never touched me or anything but like there are countless events like this spanning years until hs(i got better at hiding) because i never stopped and my mom never stopped punishing me over dumb shit like taking my pillows away, calling me names and ignoring me for weeks which irreversibly impaired my perception of sex and masturbation yet i'm still trying to recover, i wish it was because of religion or culture so i could channel my resentment towards that stuff instead of her but she's not religious at all and she never implied it was a sin she'd just shame and ignore me just because she's a dumb cunt who should've never had a daughter. Like the way she handled my sexual development which was very innocent vs my brother who actually did some concerning weird shit that required a serious talk at least is infuriating to me but i dont want to dwell further or its going to turn into a mommy issues rant. I masturbate and consume porn a lot, probably more than regular woman, but i absolutely have to take showers after it because i genuinely believe something bad will to me if i dont cleanse my body and I will never have penetrative sex(eventhough i did everything else) just because

Good thread! Looking back, I'm not sure where it came from, I never had any sort of trauma and didn't even have a religious upbringing. All it was my mother projecting her own sexual insecurities and neurosis (also, I suspect, her unconscious fear of men) onto me I think.
Every time we'd be watching a movie for instance and there was a sex scene my mom made remarks like 'Ew' or 'Gross' and she would switch channels. She was also visibly uncomfortable about the topic of dating and relationship, even when it was just about how my dad and her met. She never had a relationship after she had me. Also, whenever she heard a shocking story about a rape on the news she would tell me in the most detailed way possible and I never understood why (still don't). She would also compare me favorably to my cousin who started dating early and therefore fell behind in her studies because 'all she could think about is boys'. So I had this 'SEX IS BAD' mindset planted early on and I knew that if I wanted to be a good, moral person, and wanted to be loved by my mother, I had to avoid it at all costs. It also didn't help that teenage boys are obviously fucking vile and they made me super uncomfortable with their sexual remarks. I actually felt sorry for all those girls who were dating because in my head, a relationship was synonymous with the guy using and humiliating the girl for sex and I did not understand why anyone would want that. But at the same time I had sexual and romantic fantasies about guys (I had a huge crush on Spike from Buffy lmao). Even when I had the chance to have a relationship with a decent guy who was actually kind, I shied away from it because of my old thought patterns and also because I guess I was used to being alone

>What has your journey been like?
Went from being not interested in sex at all to being hypersexual but feeling very ashamed for it to being sexual repressed and easily triggered by all kind of sexual content
>What caused your sexual repression?
In retrospect I see now that no sexual thing I ever did was by my choice but to please others
>How do you deal with the loss of virginity when it was such a defining part of your personality your entire life?
I try not to think about it because it feels like something precious was stolen from me
>How do you shamelessly enjoy being sexual?
In my fantasy. But sometimes I dream of being taken advantage of and it feels good in that moment but afterwards I'm ashamed
>Which media negatively impacted your sexual development?
Normal tv shows, seeing women always being hypersexual I thought that's our job. To be fuckable and to please men
I have no idea where to start. I'm ashamed of my past and there is nothing what I do not regret. I'm jealous of women who are able to enjoy those things. All I am able to do is start to cry when seeing a sex scene in movies. I feel like a child. When I think about being forever alone it comforts me, like an old friend. I do feel like this old friend isn't good for me though. It's a deep sadness to know you will never have such a very human experience.

I went from being overly repulsed by sex for years to being hypersexual and I am kind of lost. I know what I have to do, but I also have zero clue. My hypersexual behavior is self-harm. I'm hurting a lot.