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It might get banned if we start acting proana-ish. Not explicitly against the rules but other anons might raise a stink about it to warrant lock.
How did you quit bulimia? Any helpful tricks or just pure will power? I struggle with the urge to purge a lot.
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is it possible to have a less than 20 inch waist naturally? it use to trigger me so much when girls would claim they have like 19 inch waists and 40 inch busts/hips on the internet, I'm a mom now and it's weird to think about how an adult woman could have the waist of a literal baby without starving/waist training
honestly forgot to pack a lunch once day and had to run errands after school and by the time I was home I felt so good, I had never really fasted before, I ate my normal dinner and decided to do the same the next day, started intermittent fasting and focusing on how good I felt when I wasn't making myself feel like shit overeating and making the one meal a day something I cooked that was really bombs and savored every bite, IDK if that's trading one eating disorder for another but like binge/purge is so hard on your body and you feels so much worse about yourself in every way that it honestly was a good tradeoff for me. I still do occasionally though if I do binge eat and can't go for a long walk after, though I don't binge now how I used to thank god cause there is no worse feeling in the world.>>255368
damn I should've written in the OP no thinspo pics and no encouragement or glorification or whatever.
We're the same person. When you binge, is it all sugar? You may have a sugar addiction that is playing into it.
You have to force yourself to eat during the day. It sucks, but you probably have to train your appetite back.
I wish I was there but I'm not. I'm scared of gaining weight. I'm at the lowest healthy weight and I want to stay there. I love my body right now. It sucks it's not healthy, especially because I never get that hungry anyway.
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i feel like such a freak sometimes. why does everyone have to act like they never get hungry. im fucking always hungry. im already fat anyway (like actually fat, obese, not ana-chan pretend fat) struggle with purging and skipping meals and have nothing to show for it. and im still always starving. its like this constant middle ground where i make no progress and i have no satisfaction either. at least other fat people get to feel full sometimes. ive been having some luck with getting a better workout schedule together and having protein in the morning. i hang around ED focused social media in the hopes of triggering myself but i think it just makes me want to binge on sugar. i will never be skinny i will just be a sad black hole forever.
Thanks anon, i know i will probably lose it but it still makes me feel really self conscious.
Sounds more reassuring to hear from someone else though, thanks a lot for responding anon. Youre so nice, I would put a heart emoji if it wouldnt get a ban.
Maybe you can think of it the same way you wouldn't count the weight of the clothes you are wearing? I promise you your body doesn't look different, although I do get how you are feeling, I used to feel the same way.
Happy I made you feel a bit better, I wish you the best. You're so sweet.
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We should be allowed to have proana shit!!! Bitches on /g/ want to fuck rapists and let their bf abuse them, I want to not eat. That’s a line for some reason???
Hang in there anon. What matters is you doing what is best for your body. You are more than your physical self.
Do you speak to a therapist to talk about your body? Weight can be a tough thing to talk about. When I weighed more I used to get angry at my friend for complaining she was so bloated because she was still so skinny, but now that I lost weight I get it. It's a change to your body.
Anyway, don't feel guilty. What you are feeling is natural. Take everything step by step and think you are doing what is best for you.>>255611
I only weigh myself once or twice a month. I'm too scared to do it more often. I know if I gain more weight (4+ pounds) I'll be devastated. If I find out I'm in the official underweight range, I'm scared I'll like it too much and that will become my new goal or normal. I also don't weigh myself because my mom asks me all the time how much I weigh and I can truthfully say I don't know kek.
I want to start exercising and toning but I don't eat enough to get the energy for a good workout.
I did actually weigh myself the other day because I was bingeing a lot and I wanted to see if I gained weight as a motivation to stop. I felt like I did gain weight but I only gained 1 pound. Now I'm scared I'm somehow becoming skinny fat even though I was already pretty much sedentary for the past year due to WFH.
I had an AN phase in high school that I dip back into whenever I get stressed. The hunger starts to feel good, and it makes me feel good about myself for having that self control. I'm not doing it 100%, but I'm starting to skip meals, and have my one "meal" be really small. I don't want to fall back into it… Is trying out OMAD a bad idea? In my mind it'd be like meeting in the middle…getting to skip meals but still eating enough to be healthy.>>255611
Get rid of the scale, anon. Or at least put it somewhere where it'd be a hassle to get it out every time you want to weigh yourself. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day, every day, and any fluctuations upset me, even if I knew it was just water/food/shit. The battery in my scale has been dead for a while and I just haven't bothered to replace it (low motivation due to depression) but I do feel a bit better mentally. I know this is like saying "don't worry" to someone with anxiety, but try not to focus on the numbers, focus on how you feel physically. Get into meditation/mindfulness.
, are you me (big boned & tall)
I also have BDD so it skews perception of my body. My boyfriend loves my curves at least so im able to appreciate that about myself. Other times I feel like a shapeless blob. I want to say I'm cured but I still have so many moments where I feel awful when I look at women who are beautiful and skinny.
I struggle so much with my perception of femininity being tied to the white dainty models I longed to look like as a teen and young adult. I also struggle with binge eating when I'm stressed and bored. I feel like tall women have more of an inclination towards having an eating disorder due to how much we're othered (apart from gorgeous supermodels ofc). I love my boyfriend so much but we're practically the same height and even though he says that he wouldn't change a thing about me and I'm perfect for him, I know he prefers shorter women even though he wouldn't say this to my face (except if I asked him outright… maybe he might lie). I also KNOW I weigh more than him which really makes me feel so shitty. I'm almost certain he knows this himself (he is very into fitness and is currently cutting to a lower bf% cause he hates his fat distribution) and its triggering
cause I wonder if it makes him feel less masculine or less attracted to me. He hasn't indicated this at all.
I wish I could shut off the disordered part of my brain.
I feel like my parents are responsible to my sisters and my unhealthy relationships with food, maybe not eating disorders but disordered eating. My sister tends to binge and I tend to go days with very minimal food intake. My other sister used to also not eat but I think she's better now.
I just am so particular with certain foods, textures, especially foods that my parents forced me to eat until I gagged.
I want to gain weight but it's hard. I am 5'7'' and I cannot breach 100 pounds. If I eat a lot for a week, the next week I have no appetite. It doesn't help that I'm depressed and that also manifests as an aversion to eating, and eating around other people.
I likely inherited it from my mom. I was always told that my being really thin is fine because my mom is like that and it's 'genetic.' I don't know if it's genetic actually, but rather behavioral. Maybe a mix of both. My mom also seldom ate or ate in very small portions. She was very thin her entire life, even after giving birth to three people. She also probably had mental issues that needed to be medicated, who even knows. A lot of mental issues run in the family.
Sometimes I even think I may have ADHD, due to other reasons, but also I often just forget to feed myself.
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>in a store
>pick up a size I know is too small
>try it on
>it's too small
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I’m really struggling right now and I don’t know where to vent about this, but… I randomly stopped being able to purge, my gag reflex just. went away. I should take it as a sign to recover but I still have the urge to binge, I just can’t purge, so I’ve been gaining weight. I’ve never felt this helpless, it’s awful.
It is, I just recommend doing a lot of research on recovery and nutrition. Learning about nutrition helped me a lot so Now (although I occasionally have low moments and relapse) I’m more fixated on making sure my body is getting the proper nutrients. I’ve also noticed that consuming the proper nutrients keeps me happier and thus less likely to relapse
Thank you! That sounds like a great idea! I actually don’t know much about proper nutrition, but it wouldn’t surprise me if prt of why I’m so miserable is I’m lacking a lot of important nutrients (and electrolytes)>>257991>>258031
Yeah well, I could’ve worded it better, I was mostly referring to the first half of the message, because she’s right that I will have to recover at some point (So I may as well try now…) but I did also appreciate the “here’s how you COULD purge without gag reflex If you felt like completely fucking up your stomach”. I won’t do it, but It’s nice not to be condescended to in that “stay safe dearies uwu” way you see pretty much everywhere else.
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Don’t know if I have an ED,I know I have body dysmorphia but I feel me saying I have a straight up ED is demeaning to those who have one.id eat,feelguilty and then throw up even if it wasn’t a big meal.Haven’t been eating anything at all for the past 15-16 days in fear of gaining weight and had dreams/nightmares about eating pizza and my friend calling me fat.Id look up symptoms and I seem to align with some of them but I feel like some kid self doxxing to get some online attention.
It doesn't even matter how well you fit diagnostic criteria like if you starve yourself and purge that's a mental problem in itself it doesn't matter what it's labeled, like no one will tell you to leave an ED community just because you don't fit every diagnostic criteria or whatever.
No offense but the only thing that makes you sound like a kid is worrying about the ed label, I don't mean to be rude but I saw this all the time when I used to be active in ED communities, people asking for validation from strangers whose opinion is ultimately worthless because they can't possibly know ("i do ed behaviors
but i don't know if my ed is valid
??" hundreds of likes and comments
"of course it is, everyone is valid
uwu") it's pointless
Why don’t you fuck off back to your pancake and uwu trigger warning
ed mention hugbox if you can’t handle women talking about eating disorders in a way you don’t like, cunt
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I relapsed after not purging for over year because of exam stress and a break up. I'm so angry at myself. I've already fucked up my digestive system so badly, my acid reflux and ibs was already awful before. I'm too old for this.
Dumbass spergs already make wars out of paper drawings, do we need to fight about actually life-threatening stuff like an ED? EDs are already heavily skewed towards women because society doesn't love women unless they hate themselves, so why should this thread be positive to EDs that destroy women's physical and mental well-being?
Honestly, fuck off, anon. This shit is not cute, go to MPA for skelly circlejerking.
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Not skinnyfit but I started lifting and became mostly bulked up muscle with like 15% bodyfat. Comments were so bizarre, to one group I was fat, to another I was too skinny, to another I was curvy, etc. Picrel is similar to my body type. When people see a fit female body they freak out and treat it like some weird distorted image
I feel you anon. I used to be primarily bulimic/a binge eater and went into a period of restriction after I was already at a higher weight. I lost weight pretty rapidly and a lot of it, but never got down to spoop levels.
Doesn’t help that I’m literally big boned. And I do mean literally
, not just as a euphemism for fat. I got some big ass, broad bones. Even at a higher weight, I always had visible collar bones, wrist bones, knobby looking knees, big knuckles. I’m just a boney bitch, but not in the way most anas want to be. Even when I started showing more obvious signs of thinness like visible ribs and hip bones, I still looked much larger than my friends with more visible body fat. My frame is literally too big for me to ever feel dainty and small (I’m also tall which doesn’t help).
Now that I’m somewhat recovered (still in recovery I guess you’d say…I mean, I’m still posting here…), I’ve grown a little more comfortable with it. There’s only so much I can do because even weight loss won’t get me to look the way I want. I’m just learning to accept what I can’t change and appreciate other things about myself. Best of luck to you nonnie
. Ignore any bitches who make you feel like a phony or wannarexic. Guarantee they’re miserable people, both in personality and just straight up feeling miserable because they’re suffering from a terrible mental illness that we all unfortunately understand
I feel like jealousy plays a part too. Still, I wonder what makes people comfortable saying it at one weight/body type but the other.
Congrats on the gains nonns!
>>259953>When people see a fit female body they freak out and treat it like some weird distorted image
Yeah. Normal weight and fit people (like the super muscular with thick thighs in your pic) offend me way more than morbidly obese ones, weirdly enough.
I think it's just because I'm most likely to grow a muffin top and big thighs rather than turning into a proper dwarf planet if I let myself go for a few months; the more achievable the thickness/chubbiness looks, the more it freaks me out
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It does look like Pamela's body in OP pic
i am the one who posted >>255565
my mental issues are that im a bottomless pit with no self control and im always ravenous, ive been 200lb+ my whole life, there's no chance. if i can trigger
myself enough to develop an actually effective ed (instead of just floating in fatty limbo being sad and hungry and fat forever) the best i have to look forward to is a lot of loose skin. at least i'll look better in clothes and people will treat me better. i feel bad even making this post because i feel like it supports the idea that every woman who posts here is actually fat, like i should hide so i dont drag you all down with me. i appreciate the kindness tho nonna
You already have an ED anon… and trying to trigger
a different one won't work or it will just make binging worse. Ask me how I know. But it also sounds like you could have hormonal issues or a tyhroid problem. Or your hunger cues are fucked from overeating, purging and depression. This can be fixed, it is literally never too late. But it won't happen if you continue to be so hard on yourself.
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do i reward myself with a piece of ricciarelli or small piece of chocolate cake for walking 40 thousand steps today or do i just celebrate by not doing that at all to keep my efforts
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I feel like shit and I don't even know why. My body dysmorphia is acting up real bad all of a sudden and I feel massive every time I look in the mirror, even though I know that I'm not. Last year around this time I had no issues going out in public even though I was just a couple of pounds heavier but this time I still feel the need to cover myself up even though it's so warm outside. I probably look like an idiot for wearing long sleeves but I just can't help it. I thought I recovered years ago but slowly those thoughts from my ana days are creeping back in.
>>261178>Like i dont want to be skinny, i want to feel like i have a right to exist as i am with confidence
I feel that way too nonie. I feel like no therapist has ever understood that, they just tell you to look at the mirror and say you're beautiful when my goal has nothing to do with being beautiful, just feeling like I can go out in the world without feeling disgusting and worthless.
Your boyfriends are shit human beings for making you feel bad about yourself when they're the ones who chose to be in a relationship with you. I want to choke them.
i hate how insecure i am about my appearance, because it makes me feel like im a massive narcissist or something who thinks everybody is looking at me at all times. i guess ive been focusing on harm reduction for the past few months but it makes me feel like a larping piece of shit. i dont know why im clinging onto something so stupid but i would feel so lost without it. i cant win>>260804
i think moving around more and walking a lot might be able to induce more bowel movements but im not certain
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Nonnas who suffer/suffered with binge eating, did any of you grow up poor and were taught to completely clean/empty your plate or else you were just "wasting food" even if you were uncomfortably full? I'm questioning if this led me to some binge-related habits that were extremely hard to kick.
I haven't been diagnosed with any ED of sorts but looking back on my eating habits throughout my entire life I feel like I have struggled with eating so much until it's painful to continue. I don't know why but I wasn't even aware this might be binge eating habits, I was just called a greedy pig and no one really did anything to help or stop it.
I grew up on a council estate and was made to eat everything on my plate really considering it was "wasteful and expensive" to just leave food on the plate even if you were full. This carried over into snacking until I felt sick and also eating until my stomach hurt in university. I piled on weight over lockdown because of this and someone even commented "you must have hollow legs" which is basically a phrase for someone who won't stop eating.
I've kicked most of these habits now through healthier eating and discipline and my appetite has become more normal, but I sometimes still get urges, especially with snacks, to just eat everything until it's all gone. I can't describe it but it just doesn't feel "right" to leave it behind, I also seem to zone out and eat all of the snacks like I'm on autopilot and can't control myself. Sometimes I slip up and snack too much but I try and regulate my calories and keep it normal because thanks to this lifestyle, I've become quite fat.
Does this sound like binging to you? Or is it something anyone else can relate to? It's not always snacks but encompasses everything from drinks to healthy meals etc.
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>Saw the reflection of me in a window and holy shit my face looks hollow
>All girls on IG look glowing and healthy weight
>Want to cry every time I look into mirror because miss skeleton stares back
>Download app to track calories
>Eat 2k daily for one week
>Have so much energy
>Feel great and sexy
>Meet asian moid im seeing for a while
>Anonita I like that you are so skinny
>But you can do something about your belly
You just know what that means
You feel great and sexy and full of life, that's awesome! It sounds like you're listening to your body and treating it like a friend. That man doesn't live in your body, it doesn't belong to him. What would he know about what's good for it? His aesthetic appreciation is worth more than your good health? Keep at it anon, use this energy to go on some nice walks or try yoga outdoors. The weather is beautiful lately.>>262368
Yes it does, especially the guilt around wasting food and eating past being full. I'm not sure if you were looking for advice, but something I find helpful is eating off of actual plates and bowls, boxing up my leftovers in nice containers, cooking my own food rather than buying easily consumable snacks, and not watching TV or scrolling while I eat. I try to pay attention to my hunger and fullness cues. It can help to think of yourself as that child again and ask yourself, what makes this child feel happy and well cared for? And even remind yourself like you're a child, "it's okay, we have more food for later, and I won't let us go hungry. You don't have to eat more than you want." Might sound weird but it works for me haha.>>262333
Yes!! It does, I promise. It just takes practice. Your disordered thoughts are like ruts on the road, and the longer you've traveled on them, the deeper they get. It can take years of reframing to make new ruts. Focus on the changes you've made instead of the things that are still the same. For me, this week I stopped myself from checking my BMI. Past me wouldn't have even thought about it! We'll get there nonas, we've got this ♥
Can you do smth about your belly?
Yes…pet, pet, pet!
Saged, I know it's not easy to love your imperfections, I struggle with it too, but we'll get there!
Never had a flat tummy, ever since I remember, oh well, I still eat what I want, but I exercise, too. If I feel good in my skin, that's what matters!
Love you too>>262860
I feel like I have to look perfect or I deserve no love. Because I had the no personality but at least cute kind of thing going. Now I try to also invest in my personality/life. And working out is a thing that gives me huge self esteem boost and the feeling that I actually have a life and that Im more than just my looks! Im happy you are feeling good in your skin. I believe that we can all do it somehow
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You have no idea how much you touched my heart
Why destroy yourself for shallow, evil people who treat someone poorly for having a puffy face? If you know sure these people are watching your face and body for 10 extra lbs and judging you accordingly, why hurt yourself trying to satisfy them? The person who asks you to light yourself on fire to keep them warm will never say thank you. Cultivating a sense self worth that doesn't rely on other people's idiotic opinions is a far more worthy venture, and one that has brought me peace.
"Love yourself" is such a tired mantra. We don't have to love ourselves. But I do think we owe it to ourselves not to punish our bodies for other people. FUCK them. They deserve nothing. It's worth trying to be on your own side. If we're going to kill ourselves with these diseases then at least let it be for our own sakes.
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Why must fixing your relationship with food be so hard? I stopped being an anachan years ago, threw away my scale and just focus on eating healthy but even then I obsess over it and get intrusive thoughts when I've eaten something "bad". I don't restrict, make sure to get healthy fats too but sometimes I end up eating desserts as well for days. It's hard for my brain to stop thinking that I should restrict the following days to make up for the "bad" stuff I ate. I hate that I'm hyperfixating so much on it.
I feel the same. It's so hard when your triggers
are all around you. I even get triggered
by hunger; I feel a warm, safe, happy feeling because of my past behaviors and sense of security that came when I was starving myself. Recently I was on a day trip and got very hungry while I was out but we were on the interstate and I didn't want to ask to stop, didn't eat all day, and I just knew as I was sitting there it was going to send me on a spiral. And I was right! I'm trying hard to remember that moderation is good and I don't need to earn my food. It's just something our bodies need, and it's okay to enjoy it and want sugary stuff or bread. Love and support to you nona, we can do this.
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Trying to balance a restrictive ed with a history of stomach ulcers and chronic inflammation/acid issues really feels like I'm playing russian roulette at times. It's been stressing me out lately, which does not help.
It's so fucking difficult. I'm going through a similar problem, I'm trying to recover from bulimia, but it'll take a long time for my stomach to go back to normal. I feel full too fast, and the sensation lasts a very long time, and it's very triggering
. I wish I could learn how to stop focusing so much on my stomach and what it's doing.
>>269245>people who lose weight the right way still have saggy skin
You've got to be real fucking fat to be left with saggy skin after healthy weightloss, if you're that fat which didn't happen overnight then you can deal with staying fat a little longer while losing the healthy way.
And stop being this fucking cringey, fat wannarexics aren't cute.
Ayrt, I'm not. I've been in recovery for four years now and I'm 20 pounds overweight for my height. I could lose it, but I trigger
myself very easily and I don't want to go back to what it was like before. It was like being dead but being forced to participate in the real world anyway. What I said came to you from a place of experience and empathy.
super late reply apologies but anon >>260210
is right, it's cl from the miss world mv
Its not about perfection, even though our brains want it. We want it restricting and when we react to breaking whatever stringent rules we apply to ourselves.
But lets reframe what happen nonna
You went almost a whole month without punishing yourself because of your intake. youre fumbling but not completely down for the count. I hope you take a moment to say lovely things to your self, and when you are in the headspace- you should write down what you think triggered
the b/p, and what warning signs you noticed before it happened.
The next meal is a clean slate. You got this nonna. Your body is trying its best, and so are you. Its not about how perfect you can be b/p free, its learning through it, you know?
Dont hate on yourself.
I hope that helped idk i need coffee
Thank you so much. Yes, I do feel like shit, but I'll choose to be proud of myself for the time I was BP free, and try my hardest to make it a longer and longer time between stumbles. Hopefully one day I'll forget this even felt like an option. Hope you got some nice coffee!>>270181
Yes, yes yes! It really is gay and retarded kek. I don't know how anyone could romanticize it (least of all my retarded ass) oh, look at me, got my head jammed in the toilet bowl, how chic.
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This doc seems like a selfish fucking hack that doesn't care about anything but her image and her wallet. Check out some of her clinic reviews and you'll find people dissatisfied and told to start thinking about DYING like….. what the actual fuck.
i wish i could go back in time to when i was like 13 and stop myself from ever learning how to purge or having negative thoughts about food. i want to erase every time i've ever binged, purged, restricted, fasted. i would just move my body more instead of feeling insanely guilty and sorry for myself for things every woman goes through like having cellulite or not fitting perfectly into some stupid tiny outfit. i wish i would have appreciated having a natural slightly athletic/ curvy build instead of zeroing in on my exact weight like a retard, as if the numbers reflect what you look like. mostly i wish i could go back for health reasons though. i'm 99% sure that 10+ years of on and off bulimia/ ednos/ restrictive subtype/ whatever the fuck i had are contributing to a mystery autoimmune illness, fucked my metabolism to where i have to put effort in just to maintain an average semi-slim weight, gave me weird throat muscle problems and worst of all my fucking TEETH. tiny, short, like zero enamel, chipped, sensitive, but because they're straight, white-ish and i have all of them no one but me ever notices them. it's still embarrassing to me. i feel like them being ground down so much over time has led to my bite and facial features not being as nice as they used to be. idk there are multiple factors like aging/ collagen loss and there ARE things i can still try to do to slowly start looking cute and normal again instead of deranged and skinnyfat and nasty while i'm still young, but it's so much harder to do than it would have been had i been healthier in my teens and early 20s. i eat SO fucking healthy now without starving or binging and i work out and am trying like hell to retain the muscle and lose the fat but i just look exactly the same. or i'll feel like i'm starting to look better and then i'll see myself in pictures or videos and be so disgusted that i stop seeing anyone irl for a while. and i know i'll have body dysmorphia for probably the rest of my life and i don't want to despise myself every time i breathe or go out or see myself so i have to keep trying like this and hoping i can like afford veneers someday so that i don't feel like crying when i smile for a picture with my mouth closed and someone says "aw no come on smile for real!" and it ruins my whole day
tbh i think what sucks the most is still thinking like this and being as old as i am. like i have fucking arrested development or the nutritional deficiencies rotted my brain to where i am eternally a woe is me 18 year old tragic tumblr girl. it's so cringe and i'm very self-aware and know that it's cringe and no one thinks i'm a hideous monster except for me but i'm not able to stop because my brain is like permanently set in this way. i need to fucking do like CBT or something
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Do people hit their ugw and maintain it for a long time?? I've heard the claims of "once you hit your ugw, you'll just lower it more and you'll never be satisfied" But i feel like i'm different, i won't want to lose more, I don't want to be a skelly, just cute and petite. My ugw isn't THAT low (bmi 16) and im only 4lbs away. I like my body the way it is now, just need to lose a little more so my stomach looks flat. Once I hit it i'll stop restricting… hahaha… right?
Can you eat natural sugar, as in fruits? Because if yes, just go for dry dates! They're insanely sweet, and healthy. Other thing that helps me (I'm on a diet where I have to avoid sugar at the moment too) would be sweet potato, bake it in slices and it's deliciously sweet while not even being that high in natural sugars.
Something that also improves enjoyment of food a lot too would be spicy flavors, just because they're intense. Chili ends up in pretty much every lunch I make.
Something that helped me was getting really into cooking and making exactly what I like. I experiment with strong, satisfying flavors, using a lot of fat, making sure the textures are good to chew but not glutinous or greasy, and it really helps me enjoy eating. I agree with anon who suggested dates! Go for stuff that overwhelms you with how good it is.>>270401
I think it sounds like you already know the answer to this anon. Are you looking for a sign to stop? I'm giving one to you. This is a free pass to let yourself rest. >>270256
I don't know if you're looking for a friend or advice or just to vent, but I'm here to listen more if you need it. I too feel ruined, but I'm working on rebuilding my notion of what a body 'should' be. I think it's wonderful that you're working out and building muscle, I think strong fat women have an air of immense dignity and strength, like a grizzly bear.
Aren’t you worried that tracking might trigger
you? Also, stress could mess with your period. Are you going through something right now?
in therapy i always get told to just 'love and accept' myself but thats such bullshit. im so irreversibly fucked that i only feel safe inside my room by myself.
also same anon, i love winter… i hope you can find a way to enjoy this season
kinda how i stopped being ana and recovered alone. i gave up on being "pretty". i stopped judging my body as pretty or ugly, fat or thin. it's a body, it exists, it works, that's all i need. if people find it ugly, well, they can look away anytime.
ofc ana thoughts still come back time to time, but i remember how shitty i felt. it didn't matter how thin i was, i still hated my reflection, still wasn't happy, always felt like i could shrink more and more.
Well said ♥>>272973
Ntayrt, but for me it was changing my mindset towards my body and actively fusing it with my concept of self. Not just a vessel, or a tool, not as an enemy to overcome. Then I got into weight lifting- don't look at that and get excited about a new type of exercise though lol. But it changed me to feel strong instead of thin. I ate more and I ate well because I wanted muscles, and suddenly my body didn't feel like a painful, hungry, angry burden. Find something to do that lets you enjoy a healthy body, and learn to cook your own food! Taking ownership over what I eat (without
weighing or measuring) has been very helpful for me.
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I did something stupid today which was check out the ED part of reddit. I feel like this comment and the amount of upvotes it has just broke me. I've been trying to get out of the "I'll be happy when I'm skinny enough" for so long and this just made me feel hopeless.
For me it's partly what these redditors are saying - except that the only way to redeem my existence is to be underweight, because I'm 1. a huge bitch with linebacker shoulders 2. depressed, autistic and extremely socially anxious 3. a complete fucking failure
Anyone else doesn't need to be underweight to be tolerated but I do, I know I do, I know other people can only stomach me when I don't look like a big tubby sperg man
I don't want to be skinny to feel good and look hot, I want to be skinny because it's the bare minimum for me to be able to exist in public at all
I have an extremely unfortunate face, am taller than many men, and cannot move my body correctly. My existence is nothing but cringe and looking the way I do makes any fat I gain (with my awful fat distribution) look absolutely fucking retarded and disgusting, and I can't compensate by being a nice and confident person because I'm a permanently fucked pathetic sperg that can't relax around people
I HAVE to be thin to exist like this, the alternative is wanting to kill myself 24/7
This is true, and because it’s unwoke to disagree with self-diagnosers in any way now (at least it feels like) and people are obsessed with being valid
you get all this stupid shit like “oh wow, skipped lunch twice in 2017? Totally valid
ED-haver!” It’s infuriating and the best thing to do is act like the attention seekers don’t exist, don’t read their crap and block on sight if they ever show up.
I wish the addictive nature of ED behaviours was talked about more often bc jfc. I went from "indulging"(for lack of a better term) in certain behaviours for a few weeks, always able to pull myself out of it and return to more normal ways of eating but i'm currently in a hole I can't dig myself out of. I know only I can stop/change but ffs is this it for me now? To have overcome other forms of SH to fall at this late juncture with ED behaviour? I can't help feeling way to "grown" to be doing the shit i'm doing, I know better but I think a lot of people in a similar position feel the same.
Also trying to find appropriate literature for help is so difficult because most resources operate from this presumption i'm either a teenager or i'm slim-normal weight. I'm objectively overweight, trying to lose weight healthily has always resorted to unhealthy ways and it's irritating to read "uwu you're not fat!!" like i'm a retard that can't input BMI. Rant over just needed to offload.
It is so hard not to alog in the proana scumbags thread. I don't know if it is an influx of mpa fags or what but it has been really retarded lately.>>275088
Nonna I feel like I could have written this. It feels embarassing to be an adult with an ed. I shouldn't be hurting my body like this at this age and yet here I am.
i think society doesn’t want to accept that women suffer from this through adulthood so they turned eds into a quirky teenager thing where girls want to be skinny cause they are dumb and attention seeking and they want boys to like them, ignoring the fact that it’s a coping mechanism and the pressure of staying thin doesn’t ever dissaper. if you ever gain weight you are lazy and you failed. how the fuck can i live with that?
i hate the body positivity movement because it’s useless on me. they can screech love yourself all they want, but the reaction others gave me, especially my mom and female relatives ( women over 40 love shitting on your body it makes them feel alive again ) proved me enough. i’m not even overweight, but they keep telling me i’m fat and i should go to the gym to get toned and that i don’t dress up enough. they tell me life is easier if you’re skinnier. yet when i was severly underweight mom said i look disgusting and that no one would look at me. They all want to mold you into whatever they wanted for themselves
Sorry I have no positivity left to give. I gave up being a normal weight because it upsets others around me and makes me feel like a failure, and I am ashamed to say I don’t want to starve myself but it’s the only way others would take me seriously as a person.
Not involved in any of this but your post further proves all ana-chans are attention whore pickmes. You kill yourself to try to fit a beauty standards you never will and seeing your post makes me so happy I've gained weight and recovered.
Anorexics are really scary, they think every woman is jealous of their perfect physique while looking like rotting corpses who smell of puke and a rotten fruit cause of their severe hypoglycemia.
And although your mental disease is caused by men who only find women attractive if we actively starve or deform ourselves in other ways, you still so vehemently blame less attractive older women just like a pickme would.
Thankfully most anorexics die soon if they don't put their health before mens standards and recover so they mostly don't get to have kids - especially daughters- to torture.
>>275380>your mental disease is caused by men who only find women attractive
You are trying to up me but you didn’t understand anything I said and now you’re jumping to accuse me that it’s because “all men bad”. No, I was saying that the only bad reactions I ever got were from women that try to shame me for being perfectly normal. I know we like to shit on men but no men ever treated like the women around me do, no matter if I was fatter or dressed bad or whatever. You can’t take it and want to shit on men and make it about male validation. It’s the women close to me that constantly try to make me believe that there is something wrong with me and I’ve got other life issues I can’t control, idk why you are trying to seem so puritan about the whys of starving yourself. Congrats on “gaining weight” I am a normal bmi not some fragile frail idot, yet that doesn’t change that I torture myself because some old bitches,yes some older women because they aren’t all some guardian angels, expect me to be a supermodel while men never gave a fuck. If you’re trying to be a special snowflake “uhmm society only affects the weak i’ve got my unique set of problems” like you’re living in a vaccum, good job.>anorexics are really scary, they think every woman is jealous of their perfect physique
anorexics don’t give a shit about you they just want to eat without guilt, but go on and believe the caricature that they are some mean and bitchy girls that just want to fit into the smallest dress
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What's the most I can lose in a month?
If you eat nothing for 31 days?
If you eat 1000kcals a day, maybe 3kg(6lbs).
I don't have any advice but I'm wishing you good luck nonnie
! You can make it!
I feel you. I’ve had horrendous period pains the past year that suddenly made the thought of losing my period appealing in a way it never really was before. >>270458
You seem nice, anon>>274036
Oh my god, yes. Vibes were off indeed and “unsettling” is a good way to describe it. The treatment place seemed so inappropriate - the lack of clear treatment, the intensity of the physical and emotional intimacy between the staff and Emma, the fact they just watched her slowly dying and were like “this is fine”. To say the least of the refusal to actually discuss anything beyond the superficial.
Ayrt, heating pads and hot showers helped me the most with the pain. Though I guess that isn't a great option with the current heatwave lol. Period yoga didn't necessarily help the physical symptoms but it put me in a better state of mind. I hope your period pains return to normal soon nonnie
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Nonnies, I drank 2 glasses of salt solution but nothing is coming out, fuck. Fingers down the throat and toothbrush never worked, so what do I even do now? Fuck, I just feel even more bloated and disgusting I hate it
Sooo I just had a delivery driver come to my door to deliver food…accept i hadn't ordered from that restaurant. Oh no, he just assumed that it was for me because he delivers food here so often! Not mortifying at all! Think this is a wake up call tbh, wish me luck im going to get out of this groundhog day I'm currently in.
Has anyone here tried the eating in public approach for recovery? Mainly binging side of things?
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how do you nonnies deal with plateauing if its ever happened to you?
i swear to god i weigh about the same as i did before i started working out like crazy and eating like a bird, not going to name any numbers but you get the idea. my bmi is the same, i look the same. i just sweat a lot. well my calves look different a lot more toned so thats nice, but my weight is the exact same, and i eat way less and work out a million times more than i ever have in my life consistently for almost six months now.
wtf is my problem? well actually my real question is how do i deal with this?
i dont even want to be a skelly in fact i feel physically sick when i see pictures of myself especially considering i always looked like a starvation victim all my life. i just feel like a fat sack of shit if i dont do anything, so i spend all day working out, and i mean an average workday's worth of hours working out. i know its pathetic and i should get a job, but i cant right now. i know i do this for a sense of control but i have nothing else to do, and i feel that i might as well fill my time by self improoving, but it seems like nothing is improoving whatsoever and i look the exact same just more miserable. whenever i rest its like my body screams at me to get my fat ass up and work out, like it physically starts aching, especially my legs, and the pain doesnt stop until i go at it again. its unbearable i recognize how tired i am and yet i cant seem to stop. every time i take a break or rest or even when i go to sleep i feel insanely guilty because i could be working out then. i dont even give myself any time to eat because i could be working out, on top of already hating eating before i hated it for disordered reasons and worrying about how the calories will affect the ones i should be losing after my workouts. and like i said despite all of this seemingly 0 results.
i just feel so horrid, im so frustrated. i dont know what to do anymore, i dont know how to deal with this. i guess im just venting.
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Had pretty fucked up thoughts on and off for a few months already and still trying to figure out what the hell to do with it. Honestly, never had to deal with an ED but had a rocky relationship with food. In my kid and teen years, I would skip breakfast and lunch completely but then binge eat at home. Although I remember keeping a somewhat healthy BMI despite still being lowkey chubby and curvy. Didn't help that my mates were making fun of my big ass and maybe other pointing fingers about my appearance. Thus began a lifelong hell of body image and existential issues. I wanted to become anorexic during my teens tho that plan foiled hard within a week. Oh man, I've been hiding this shit from my bf cuz I'm 100% sure he is not gonna let me as a sane person would. Even now I'm debating on being really skinny cuz massive body image issues. My bf specifically said that he likes a little chub, just need to work out on the legs. I'm still in this mindset that I don't want to look how I am now. I just want to be really skinny, not this piece of shit pile of lard. For now I'm just trying to water fast and eating leafy greens on the side tho want some tips on how to do it better and stick to it.
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I hate that I feel and look the best when I'm at my lowest weight. I'm still in a healthy BMI range, but it's scratching the underweight territory. I sorta relapsed over the past couple of months and while I didn't starve myself but managed to lose it with diet and exercise, my obsessive thoughts kept coming back. I was very strict about reaching my goal weight and not indulging in any desserts or eating out at restaurants. I was at a healthy weight then and had no reason to lose it whatsoever but it's like I just won't accept a different weight for myself. I notice that I'm so much more extroverted and more likely to put myself out there. I'm short and I feel like I have such weird proportions unless I'm at a really low weight. I'm sorry if this sounds vain, but I also notice how I get much more attention (of any kind) when I'm at my lowest and it's the only time I ever get compliments about my looks even when I'm wearing a plain outfit.
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well, the good news is it's possible, and I know that because I also have been called ugly my entire life. The ONLY way forward is to stop caring. You already know people think you're ugly, so just move on already. It's literally all up to you. You have the ability to stop being a little baby about it. Or you could continue to stew and suffer. I even made you a little diagram showing you what your choices are. i picked the one on the right and would recommend it
Relapsing. I went into recovery at the end of 2020 (83lbs) and am currently 120lbs. So much has happened in the last 1.5 years (new job, new friends, new apartment/roommate, new life in general) and I feel like I could never ever fall back into the thinking patterns I held when I was at my worst. The delusional body dysmorphia, obsessions with specific features and intense, pervasive obsession with looking emaciated, the constant self-hatred and criticism. My old ED was a full-time job, deeply intertwined with my social life at the time, I filled a dozen journals with self deprecating rants, calorie counts, insane weight/measurement goals. But I’ve healed from that, I’ve matured, I’m mentally stable and confident now. My circumstances have changed so much that it’s not even possible for me to obsess over being thin like I used to, it just wouldn’t work.
A week ago, I innocently decided I wanted to lose some weight only so I could fit into my old clothes again instead of selling them. Just 15 pounds would be enough. And I just haven’t eaten since then. I’m not actively TRYING to starve myself, I just keep thinking “I’ll wait until after work” “I’ll wait until dinner” “I’ll wait until tomorrow” and I end up eating a handful of grapes every morning and nothing else. I catch myself body checking and weighing myself throughout the day. I’m lying to people about having already eaten to avoid meals. I was perfectly content with being 120 for the past 6 months and now it frustrates me deeply every time I see that number on the scale. This happened so fast I just hope I’m not spiraling, it would ruin everything. I don’t want to hate myself again, I’ve been doing so well, I need to set realistic expectations for gradual weight loss but it’s so hard to not get caught up in the idea that I’ll get there faster if I just wait to eat. I feel like absolute shit because I haven’t eaten ANYTHING and I’ve already forgotten how to make myself do it. It took so long to get here and it all disappeared so fast. I really, really hope I get to 105 and just start eating again, enough to maintain, but I fear that it won’t be enough and I’ll lose everything again. I hate this.
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im doing a 3 day fast but im so hungry after 1 day. how do i resist the urge to cook pasta at 11pm
It's good you've recognised this nonnie
! I suggest putting the mirror away or covering it, tell your gf too I'm sure she'll be more than understanding and can help you!
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That's a good point, nonnie
. Thank you so much! Sorry for the dramatics. I've tried not to focus on them while I was working on stopping binging, but I sat and stared at them in the mirror today and felt hopeless. They're all up my sides and my upper arms and it gets me, but you're right. Going to focus on losing the binge weight and try not to stress out as much.
For other anons who struggle with binging or are diagnosed with BED, I will say that what helped me was getting my nutrition under control (vitamins, etc.), Not overexcersing (which led to exhaustion and eventually to binges after weeks of it), and keeping myself busy. When I was unemployed and depressed, it was almost impossible to control binge triggers
. I've also tried to isolate myself from stressful people and situations. No social media, etc. Maybe not ideal for everyone but it helps me a lot given how bad my anxiety can get.
I don't think I'm completely cured but this month and a half is the longest I've gone not binging since the pandemic began! So hopefully things can get better.
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it still feels kind of scary to me to think about but I want to try recovering somewhat. I want to be an independent person and being ruled by being afraid of what I think that other people think of me isn't how I want to live. I want to go back to how things were.
I guess a lot of this was spurned by watching proana cows and lurking ED communities and coming to the conclusion that a shitton of these people have no lives whatsoever besides being uwu sick and have zero hobbies or personality while I still have so many fun and cool things to enjoy and that there are so many things that I want to learn and be good at that I can't do if I still continue to hold onto something like this. I think about the interesting women that I strive to be like and I came to the realization that these two lifestyles aren't compatible. I'm tired of wanting to resort to being a soulless NEET just because it'd be the easier option.
I'm unfortunately still really afraid of gaining weight (it doesn't help that I'm short) but for now I want to focus on not hating myself for having an appetite in the first place. I'm also scared of backsliding and hating myself even more and thinking lesser of myself because of it. I really do think I willingly pushed myself into developing this shitty disorder and I have to face the consequences. it just sucks that a lot of people from my culture prioritize being skinny and pretty while in my natural habitat I am a mere sperg at heart who doesn't particularly care about makeup or being beautiful in public. I'm tired of looking at clothes online and seeing models photoshopped to be as trim and skinny and flawless as possible, and not to mention that any time there's a numbers game involved I start feeling competitive. I feel like the best way for me to think about it is to treat everything as neutrally as possible. I don't wanna overthink it. I still feel kind of pathetic but I'm working on it slowly. fuck me this post turned out longer than I expected>>282805
I found a lot of this post to be really relatable. I believe in you nonnie
, this shit is hard ♥
i found your post to be relatable as well.
especially the "i want to go back to how things were" line.
i remember before my ed i could just eat. those times i long for again, and i am happy to report i am actually starting to slowly somehow get that back after almost four years of an eating disorder.
im in my third month of recovery. the first month and the second month were horrifying. i had to constantly hear the ed voice telling me i was bad for this, i was a gross whore for eating, etc. the constant body comparison to others.
the voice is still in the back of my head but isnt so loud now.
so what im saying is it gets better. at the beginning i never would believe that i could eat three meals a day, that i would even have the energy to prepare those meals. but i do now and it feels more normal each time.
i wish that people understood that the body is not customizable, i wish people knew that once you develop an ed you cant just stop doing it, i wish people knew how having an eating disorder is dull boring banal suffering and not the pretty kind. having an ed is not shitting for three days and lying in bed all day a sweaty mess and wanting to die.
i believe in you too nona, please be kind to yourself <3
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ive absolutely relapsed and i am starting to restrict my meals and purge anything i do eat.
i am in a really shitty place in my life right now and the only thing making me feel euphoric is watching the number on the scale drop. i started rejecting invites from my friends because i dread that eventually theyre going to want to eat out.
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>Develop anorexia in your teens becaus you're scared of becoming an adult
>Now you're in your late 20s, still deep in it, with an underdeveloped body but an old hags face
All I can think about is the number. It repeats all day in my head. I am not weighing myself when I go back there, but it's also all I want to do. Even my smallest clothes are loose right now, I love it and I'm disgusted with myself for it. This relapse would be much more exciting if I wasn't self aware about it.
I feel so childish and stupid. If I try to talk about how I'm struggling and say some stupid shit like "I'm going to keep trying though" I just want to kms. Keep trying? To fucking eat? Okay you pathetic bitch. Keep trying to eat you uwu waif. Whatever, mental illness sucks and is embarrassing and that's just how life is at the moment. >>292287
You deserve to feel spiteful anon, that was cruel of them. I can't stand adults who would use their kid as the butt of the joke. I'm sorry you're struggling now as an adult yourself.
Things haven't improved since I posted but I appreciate your support anon ♥ Actually that's not quite true - I haven't weighed myself again.>>293598
I used to crave food but after a certain amount of time my stomach just broke I think? I don't get hunger cues very often and when I do I get so nauseous that I don't want to eat anyway. All food is gross to me right now and the only thing I feel genuinely excited to eat is stuff like rice or broth because it's the only thing that doesn't make me feel sick. I want to get off mr bone's wild ride.
Nonnas I fucked myself up good. My hormones are fucked, my thyroid is fucked, my cortisol is 3 times what it should be and I have to see a specialist next week. Still no period after 6 months. Still no weight gain even though I try my hardest to eat enough. I'm tired. I thought I was doing good.>>294426
Same with the broth and rice. I get hungry, if I'm not stressed or working I can perceive it but I just don't crave any food. Deciding what to eat is a nightmare, planning meals probably takes me more time than anything else in the day.
If it is psychological that makes your concerns no less real. They should take you seriously in case something is wrong, whether it's physical or not. If you have the money for it, I'd go see another GP or better yet a gastroenterologist.
I have awful stomach problems with the same symptoms you describe + other unpleasant stuff and had to go get scoped and medicated and the whole 9 yards. Idk if it was due to my ED though, it was more likely my alcoholism + overuse of aspirin, maybe general stress. My doctor didn't know about my ED so I wasn't treated with suspicion, plus I acted concerned when I suddenly dropped a ton of weight from being unable to eat when I was secretly elated. Your past shouldn't be used against you when you need real treatment. Sorry this is happening.
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I'll hype myself up that I can eat a little bit more, that I'm not only allowed to gain wight but NEED to - but when I actually do allow myself to add something, I'll immediately regret it, feel like shit, obsess over it for the rest of the day and restrict even more to 'fix' it. Doesn't help that I have OCD with a lot of magical thinking, so I'm always making insane connections between events (like, I'll allow myself to add honey into my tea > my internet cuts off that day for a couple of hours for no apparent reason > I'm being punished for having honey in my tea ) This is so fucking exhausting
I woulnd't say you have
to overeat in recovery. Personally I had such an unquenchable hunger that I could be eating all day and be physically full to the brim but still have that hunger feeling in my body and head. If you're eating enough cals and macros I don't think there would be any problem. Your body needs to sort itself out after stuff like this and it can take a while
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No matter how much weight I lose my body will always be shaped like a rectangle
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Sorry for the sperg but I wanted to add some positivity to the thread: I'm obssessed with Linda Evans and she's got the most gorgeous rectangle/inverted traingle body type (I don't know wich type she is exactly). She used to star in Dynasty (an 80s soapopera) and all the outfits she wore emphasized her beautiful figure. She wore a lot of shoulder pads and amazing evening gowns that made her look tall and elegant. I think I'm so in love by these types of silouettes because in the 80s the rectangle and inverted triangle shapes were more favoured by fashion. I hope you feel better about yourselves, nonas, rectangles and inverted triangles are cool.
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Oh you definitely should give it a try, the aesthetic is totally worth it. Now I'll stop derailing
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ive become obsessed with popsicles. i never do not want to munch on an ice pop. since i got sick i cant stop eating popsicles. i dont want real food as much anymore. since theyre juice i can eat my heart out and not feel bad. popsicles
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My ex swiped up on a gym mirror pic to say I look "healthier" and "not worryingly small anymore", we're still friends and I know he meant it in a positive way but all I can hear is "you let yourself go and got fat". I didn't even recover or anything, I just got lazy with purging.
I've been getting back into lifting since I came home for thanksgiving, I actually went to the gym with my ex yesterday and it was really nice, we hit legs and some other stuff together, he's a lot taller than me and somewhat muscular so it always makes me happy to see how small I look standing next to him since my thigh is the size of his bicep.
He wants me to recover and be healthy and happy and we talk all the time but he doesn't want to get back together until I graduate college because he knows the distance would strain things. We still hang out when we can but he won't ever have sex with me since before the breakup. I've tried to find a new bf, but guys always pull away when I start to like them back. I feel fat and bloated and massive and repulsive and unlovable. I've been doing better but all I want is to b/p until I forget about everything.
Thank you so much nonnie
. I really needed that. I noticed I tend to BP the most when I feel stressed out and “trapped”, so at least something good came from this fuckup…
NTA but I was under the impression the main trigger
for EDs was trauma, not seeking male validation.
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Not sure I should be happy or upset that my bf hasn't noticed my relapse at all even tho we live together. We order out every sunday and I didn't order any food today cause I feel like shit about myself and he hasn't noticed that I wasn't eating anything while he was munching on his pizza. He also didn't notice that I didn't eat any dinner last night and put it as leftovers in the fridge. I was trying to hide it from him until now, but I guess I should be happy that I can just do whatever the fuck I want without anyone bothering me as if I was living alone. Kinda hurts how invisible I am to him. Another reason to lose weight again.
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Thank you nonna. He knows my history and how bad my eating disorder was and he helped me get through it back then, I am recovered for like 3 years now, I think he would care if he knew but he literally just doesn't notice me anymore which is kinda sad. He's always focused on his computer either working or playing vidya and I could probably run around naked in the same room and he wouldn't look at me once. I could buzz off all my hair tomorrow and it would probably take him a day or two to even notice that. It sucks, I feel like I have lost all novelty and am now just invisible and that just makes me want to starve myself even more cause I want him to look at me again and find me beautiful.
Moids need at least 3 days to realize something is off, if they realize it at all.
People will only notice it once you look like a concentration camp survivor.
I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh - it’s not my intent, I’m trying to speak plainly. It sounds like your boyfriends lack of attention is triggering
you a lot right now so you really need to address that with him. Starving yourself won’t make him start giving you what you need.
How do farmers 25+ deal with their triggers
? I’m home for Christmas and I can’t deal with my family denying my diagnosis. I’m finding it hard to find a recovery community that’s based on planet earth and age appropriate and it’s honestly a loser move to even have an ED at this age. Any advice from older women welcome — I’m too fucking old to be relapsing like a teenager.
on one hand i feel bad for her on the other hand she is extremely based for avoiding the idiotic ills of teenagehood. it's smart, why concern yourself with teen drama and prom and gross teen sex and drug use. then again i'm an adult shut in who also spent my teenage years never going out, stayed at home starving myself and never grew out of it so maybe i am projecting.
at least be glad she isn't watching whatever disgusting shows are popular with teens now. they all promote early sex, early drug use, and tranny shit.
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After years of not restricting, I’m back to my bullshit. I want to reach my LW again cause I don’t like what I’m seeing in the mirror and how I feel (especially in the stomach area) I’m 25 so it’s kinda depressing to relapse at this age but oh well.
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i have long fallen out of my "honeymoon" phase of my ED, and my consistent purging has definitely caught up to me. I get heartburn so easily. The few times I eat a normal meal, I start feeling nauseous and end up vomiting for relief. My teeth feel so sensitive, if I eat something that is a little too sweet it starts hurting my teeth.
I feel trapped now.
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ntayrt but i see where she's coming from, its definitely the kind of softcore "aesthetic" thinspo an ed can feed on. in a way its almost worse than the more intense thinspo because the woman seems so stylish and "perfect". but i know she didnt mean to hurt anyone with posting it, she might not even realize especially if she's relapsing that it could be harmful>>304854
i dont have experience with purging but do you think you could try to eat something small at least every three hours or so? enough so that you dont end up vomiting but still have something in your stomach. i get the trapped feeling, it feels so bad to be stuck in a behavior yet having the feeling that you've backed yourself into a corner with it.
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is it possible to be in an environment that makes recovery impossible?
i live with my family and they spend hours a day making food in the kitchen and often leave raw meat and animal fat around or uncovered in the fridge. they hardly ever clean out the fridge so i often have to dig through and throw out moldy food. my mom will refuse to throw out moldy vegetables. there's often a sticky residue around the kitchen and my whole family follows diets. the one thing that helps is they let me have my own section in the fridge. i asked for this because otherwise they'll eat all the "bad foods" i buy.
i keep trying to recover but failing. i am repulsed often by our kitchen and my family's comically low standards of hygiene. i can barely trust their food as they often cook with utensils that fell on the floor or with moldy vegetables. today i cried to my mother about relapse and she said she hadn't even noticed i had relapsed despite me telling her multiple times i was struggling and had relapsed.
i feel totally trapped. i cant just move out because ive always lived with them and housing prices here are insane.
does anyone else here struggle with constant intense bloating and nausea when recovering (binging/purging subtype)? does it ever end/ get better? i feel like im on the third trimester of pregnancy, i also feel like ive been gaining weight but restriction is near impossible rn, i cant even stick to 1200 a day , and whenever i eat its really a fight to keep it down but i'm simultaneously hungry, wasn't i made for more than just crying over food and my body all the time?>>305206
im sorry nonnie
, that sounds like a truly horrible enviroment for recovery, is there any way you can get a minifridge in your room or eat in your car, or maybe get lunch/dinner with friends? i don't know what your family is like but is ther anyway you could get them to keep the kitchen a bit more cleanly, even if just for their own health? i would personally start saving up for a small apartment, i think it would do alot of good for your wellbeing
If I had to guess, it's probably because their diet puts them under a lot of stress. They 'pull' other people into their disorders as a way of putting their pain onto others to cope. I would also imagine the intensely stereotypical 'pretty princess plates' of, like, cucumber slices just leads to binging.
I'm also moody and feel like a wannarexic because I'm bony but not emaciated. I don't like thinking about my body anymore though. Comparing myself to others makes me sad and I don't like when others comment either. Eating, especially this time of year, is difficult but not impossible.
I am 100% sure she was trying to reassure you and wanted to convey you look nice. Her wording is just awful and as a therapist she should really know better. You deserve recovery, imagine if you applied that logic to anything else. >>310734
Don't do it, don't go down that road, you know better nonnie
My situation was the opposite, and my period became weird even before becoming uw but I appreciate the answer still. I'll just keep waiting.
Unrelated, but does anyone look at photos from their lowest point and cringe? I just feel embarassed knowing I walked around like that and acted like everything was normal. The weirdest thing is I got a lot of attention from normie men, even though I looked like skeletor.
Ayrt, I had the same experience. No one said anything, but when I went from chubby to fit I got a whole slew of concerned comments. People see the crazy and don't want to engage. Good on you for getting better nonnie
Well at least you know your hormones aren't fucked. It's also good for your hair, skin and nails.
Yes, I feel exactly the same way. My relapses have always been triggered
by a traumatic event, but fueled by my desire to look a certain way. Whenever I consider stopping, I just look at my body and think, "no way." I used to be able to tell myself that life is not any better with a thigh gap, and on some level I still know that's true, but it's no longer enough to stop me. It's vain but I don't care at all.
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nonnas, im so tired of being sick. I’ve been binge eating for almost 4 months now. I’ve gained 10 pounds. I know that isn’t a lot but it’s been destroying my self esteem. The only reason I haven’t gained more is because I’ve been over exercising to the point of almost passing out. I’ve relapsed cutting, im the most depressed I’ve been in a long time. I don’t want to suffer like this anymore. I’m trying to start therapy through my university but the process is so slow. The earliest screening appointment I could get is still 2 weeks away. How do I stop myself from binging and self harming? I don’t know what to do…
I listened to a few episodes of Brain over Binge podcast recently and their take on it is that binges are caused by the urge to binge. When you get a thought or feeling to binge, if you can ignore it and not act on it you will not binge. I'm in a habit of binging because I've been giving into the urges for years but all I need to do to break the habit is say 'no' when my brain pops up a 'you should binge' thought.
I'm sorry I can't help you about the self harming but I hope I helped a little bit.
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My period made me ravenous. I overate two days in a row and I'm so scared I've gained weight. Even though I know it's only maybe half a pound, I feel like the fattest person in the world. I'm so shocked and disgusted with myself. I ate like 5 meals/snacks on both days.
After recovery assisted by an outpatient program I completely stopped monitoring what I ate. Slowly I gained since my habits weren't the best. I tipped into technically overweight and thought, whelp shit, I don't wanna get diabetes like my relatives so I guess I better do something about this even though I was trying to eat intuitively or whatever. It was hard to figure out what was ED-brain and what was just a reasonable diet so I just followed the most milktoast health advice like eating proteins and vegetables, limiting alcohol to lose weight instead of food, and finding a physical activity I could do every day enjoyably. In about 2.5 years I felt like a different person haha, all that advice really worked, literally healthier than ever. Pretty much have just been maintaining that and kicking myself for the disordered shit I did that didn't make me feel half this good.
It was a slog at first, I had to rewire my brain into the healthy habits and completely change the way I cook, and it was hard not to "cut corners" to reach a healthy weight, but it was totally worth it.
A little voice in my head sometimes suggests what if you… ate half that many calories? / run harder / throw up that food? and it honestly makes me laugh a little because those are terrible ideas. Nevertheless I still think them, I just don't do them. They're like mildly intrusive thoughts instead of overwhelming urges.
That's so nice to hear, well done nonnie
because this is what a lot of social media has become. everything has to be "valid
" and people still think being anorexic means you're some snooty well dressed woman who drinks a lot of black coffee. if they knew the full disgusting and terrifying extent of the illness they would never idealize it that way. and how lucky for them to not know.
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Before/after thinspo is so depressing. In the before picture she's usually outside somewhere with friends or family, and in the emaciated After she's alone in her bedroom or bathroom. I've never had a life to begin with so I haven't lost anything like that, but it does make me sad. My heart goes out to everyone in this thread. Please do something nice for yourself today.
Oh it's possible. Anon could even aim lower. But she's gotta ask herself if she also wants to lose her personality, hobbies, friends, focus, motivation, hair, strength, bone density, fertility, hormones, functioning metabolism, happiness, etc
You missed the point entirely. I'm not encouraging the retard to develop an eating disorder. >>319095
But nonna you are not in control. Your disorder is. Hold onto those moments of clarity. The suffering wasn't worth it. You can't change what you did and what you put your body and mind through. But you can stop it, and hopefully reverse the damage. If nothing works, focus on the vanity of it all. The thinning hair, saggy skin, bobble head proportions, gaunt, old face. No one looks better malnourished.
Anon sorry to break it to you but you almost weight 80kgs and even if you get surgery afterwards your body still wouldn't be able to handle such weight loss unless you get the help of a professional dietician and work out.>>319263
Anon I know but that wannachan is obviously not caring about anything but the number she'll see on the scale. See how she thinks getting surgery is worth it. That's not normal.
Anon, this is a shit idea, honest. I lost 20 kg once very quickly, going from 80 to 60. I'm 180 cm tall , so I was still in normal health range… Except I still lost weight in unhealthy way and it fucked me up. Even if you are not going full anachan, doing this stuff is stupid. I wish I didn't do it back in the day, it ruined my health and I gained most of it back anyway, but also wasn't able to get back my periods for whole two years and had a mental breakdown… I know I sound like wannarexic, considering I didn't go for super low weight, but what I did was harmful anyway. Now imagine how actually anorexic anons have it, it's 100 times worse.
You're mentally ill to the point you consider surgery on your journey to become unhealthily thin. You shouldn't do this on your own.>>319365
I agree but she won't listen. I don't think it's easy to lose 20kg in a healthy way without some kind of help anyways.
I'm trying to say that it's your approach that is the problem. I'm that anon >>319343
and what's important is to loose weight in healthy way and don't get obsessed over numbers. I'm not fan of body positivity, but being kinder to yourself would really help. For fucks sake, you are not even overweight all things considered. But you still consider surgery, going on crush diets and asking tipz n trickz from anachans. Don't do it really. Go to more normal dieting communities, surround yourself with good people and try to loose weight in a healthy, sustainable way. Your health is more important that your looks.
Since we're somewhat on topic, During my brief foray into skeletor-levels I definitely felt awful, no periods, no libido, tired, brain fog, felt like fainting everytime I stood up, hair falling out, mild leukopenia, vitamin deficient, cold all the time, purple fingers and toes and just felt weak at all times. Since then I've maintained bmi 15-17 for the past 5-6 years at this point, and my body honestly works like normal. I do feel like shit most of the time but not as dramatically as I used to, I have a regular period, no hair loss, my heart doesn't feel like it's gonna explode every time I exert myself even a little bit, etc. I'm still very tired and get cold easily which definitely could be because of the low weight. And honestly I don't know if my bloodcell/vitamin levels have normalizes since I haven't had a blood test in years. But I never get sick, so my immune system is definitely working fine. I've been toying with the idea of actually gaining enough to be normal weight but I have so many mental blocks to actually eating enough for that to happen it's proving very diffuclt, and the fact that my body works completely fine as is just makes it more difficult, because it tells my brain this is how I'm "supposed to be". I've been dealing with AN since my late teens and I'm now in my mid 20s, I've heard side effects of eating disorders really start kicking in and killing people in their 30s, is there any truth to that?
>>319491>is there any truth to that
Yes. Depends on the person.
Look, if you're functioning and living your life that's great, if you're worried about your health just talk to a doctor like a normal person. They can run tests and check you out and tell you if you're actually at risk for health problems due to your weight. Chronically underweight people exist and doctors have advice for them (you). Take the doctor's advice seriously and you're good.
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Browsing mybodygallery, looking at women my height but about 10kg higher weight and just marveling at how they all look so slim and normal. Realistically I know I'm also not gonna look like jabba the hutt at that completely normal weight. But any time I eat slightly more than usual it's like I can physically feel and see the fat rolls forming. Body dysmorphia is a bitch to live with. Even beyond weight I really can't grasp what I actually look like. I feel like my face looks different every time I look in the mirror.
Does it count as bulimia if the purging isn’t vomiting?
I was an ana-chan years ago with ARFID, but luckily recovered before it got too bad. But I started to miss my skinny body. I’m Hispanic, and it’s very common in my family and race for us to look really good in teens, then bloat up as metabolism slows down.
ARFID got worse, cause autism. It’s not really as bad as the anorexia, but some foods I genuinely cannot eat without feeling physically sick. And one bad food will ruin that food for weeks. Example: I love blueberries, but if I eat one blueberry that tastes bad, even if the rest are good, I’m too scared to touch them again.
Idk how to describe ARFID other than I can’t eat foods that aren’t predictable. A pack of blueberries can have one tart, one sweet, one form, one squishy, and they all look the same. And if I get a bad one, it’s ruined for a long time. But unhealthy foods like carbs taste the same every single time, so I trust them more.
Anyways, I don’t think I’m bulimic, I’ve been replacing my carbs with better carbs (protein pasta instead of regular, things like that), but I still don’t look the way I want. And if I gain too much, I just stop eating for a few days, until my stomach is flatter. I don’t vomit anything up, or take laxatives, but I’ve heard from some people that purging isn’t always like those two.
Sorry if this isn’t coherent, my brain is tired from poor eating habits
Why do you think it would be bulimia and not just an/ARFID if that's what you've previously had? (or even EDNOS, I guess some doctors would diagnose that if it doesn't fit any single category)
I mean, purging can be other compensatory behaviour than vomiting or laxatives, like overexercising for example, but ypu don't describe anything like that in your post.
yeah nonsense triggers
is usually how mental illnesses work you retard
You're not greedy. That's the part of your brain that's not rotten trying to save you. Short term recovery would be something like slow caloric increase, finding
a meal plan to follow, weight gain etc. But none of that will stick if you don't address the core issues behind the disorder.
I'm so sorry you're going through that anon. Use the anger you're feeling for good. Fuel it into being mad at that stupid, immature, selfish, embarrassing voice in your head. Being strong is not acting retarded about food. So that you can be the best version of yourself, for yourself and for others. Start small. I began by eating breakfast, max 30 minutes after waking up. No matter what. Doesn't matter if I ate a bigger dinner, didn't work out, don't feel hungry, am stressed or whatever. Normal people eat breakfast and they don't make a show of it. You have to be stern with yourself, like you're dealing with a fussy child.
I'm wishing you the best and hope you will find peace soon.
In medical papers. Here's the link https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23682675/
I asked about alternatives but since I'm already on thyroid meds and vitamin supplements there isn't much else to try.
Yeah. I posted self help pdfs and photos of health problems due to bulimia in the proana thread on /fa/ until I got banned from the site for abuse. I couldn’t stop going there so I just got aggressively obnoxious until my posting ability was taken away and that worked to get me off there. As for other sites, I made a rule not to read anything from anyone under 40 years old (weird rule I know) which pretty much rules out all popular ED sites because the posters are largely teens/20s.
Only opened this thread because I saw your comment. I don’t come in here, it messes with my head.
If I eat my last big meal at 8pm, go to sleep, wake up and have my first meal at 10am because that's when I feel hungry that's a 14 hour fast but the way I see it it's a completely reasonable normal human experience… I'm disordered but that doesn't mean literally everything about the way I eat is disordered
Ever since I was born eating in the morning wasn't natural to me so I feel it's pointless to challenge this specific behavior that didn't originate from my ED. Behaviors that straight up originated from an ED to me were my focus on my recovery, like I mentioned, I had a difficult time allowing myself to eat snacks in between meals or eating certain types of food
I only used this as an example though, when someone is severely malnourished and very underweight it's different but I think people in recovery once they are out of danger zone should have a little bit of freedom to follow what would be a natural eating pattern granted they can separate if the behavior existed before ED and after ED, as long as they are hitting their healthy calorie goals at the end of the day. But it's ok to disagree, I'm probably from a whole other country anyway and treatments for ED vary a lot
All I know is that I wish you well my friend <3
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Well I am definitely starting to eat like a fucking weirdo again but at least I'm eating! I am seeing a lot of progress and I'm happy with how full and energized I feel lately so I'm thinking this is good. Right now I only track calories and protein which is a pretty normal practice for a lot of people, right? And I'm allowed to eat what I want as long as it hits those targets, I'm not cutting anything out. I only exercise every other day. Sometimes walks in between. Idk nonas am I doing okay? I don't feel like I have a healthy measure because my mom was so crazy about exercise and diet when I was growing up.
Personally, I do find it helps me a lot but as >>330254
said, it helps less and less the more you it.
This nona >>330254
is right. I smoke ciggies for 10 years now and at first it made me a little bit nauseous and light-headed, so it killed my appetite for good. Now I don't feel like that at all.
But I would say a cigarette is a good alternative to snacking anyway. I never eat snacks and if I feel snakish, I just light up a ciggie. Plus, I don't eat lunch at work cause at the break all my co-workers go to eat but I need some times to drink coffee and smoke a couple of ciggies than go around the street so I wouldn't smell.
But again, that doesn't kill your appetite. Don't start smoking cause you think it would help. It just that severely addicted smokers prefer smoking over eating but it's not how it works for majority of smokers.
It’s me again, I was talking to my mom about how I feel and she suggested I might be super iron deficient, so I checked my multivitamin and guess what, absolutely no iron in them.I started taking iron tablets yesterday, and it’s actually helped a lot so far with my energy levels. Not really sure what the issue is with my stomach pain, maybe like an ulcer? >>330776
Thanks for the support, it actually means the world to me. I drink a lot of Diet Coke which probably doesn’t help so I’ll try getting some Gatorade instead.
sounds like depression. I'm not you, I don't know what you need, but if it was me in your shoes then making long-term plans would help a lot. self-harming with ED behaviors is a very short-term coping mechanism for overwhelming feelings and/or general misery in my experience. make some long term big goals towards having a big happy life and break them down into much smaller goals and focus on controlling that instead of getting a false sense of control from whatever ED you are trying to recover from.
sorry to reply if you're just venting and you know all this already.
>>332622>I’ll never be the body type I want to look like because of my bone structure and it freakin’ sucks!!!!
So relatable. I'm basically inverted triagle when it comes to bone structure but with pear fat distribution, which makes my lower body look proportionately bigger than it is. I don't have a "thigh gap" unless I'm like 15 kg underweight, and yes I know thigh gaps are retarded, but this is just to give an example. I don't care if my thighs touch or not but it's difficult for me to deal with the fact that they're always going to be big compared to the rest of my body.
I do long distance running and it has started to help a little I think, because now I'm more focused on what my legs can do and not on what they look like. Guess you just have to hang in there until it gets better.
>>332622>I’ll never be the body type I want to look like because of my bone structure and it freakin’ sucks!!!!
I had "gender dysphoria" and am a detrans TIF, I'm okay with being a woman now but body wise I realized I'll always have trouble with because I want to have a skinny man's body not a skinny woman's body. Yet I can't stop starving myself chasing the impossible. And mostly because my ED is my comfort, at least I know that by maintaining my thinness my figure isn't getting any fuller
Yes I know building muscle helps but it won't change my bone structure, height, natural fat distribution to a point…. This gender shit isn't the ONLY thing fueling the fire of my ED but it def contributes to it a lot. I'm okay with being a skinny woman as I am, but my 'ultimate thinspo goal' would be a skinny man's body and it's impossible
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>>333258>but my 'ultimate thinspo goal' would be a skinny man's body and it's impossible
This? Skinny men look like cryptips.
You’re not being paranoid. In america it’s possible to gain weight just by breathing tbh. When I went there for my vacations, I was watching closely what I was eating, no dressings, no extra sugar or no sugar if possible, skipping meals or only having one meal per day. When I was eating at home I would eat balanced meals with weighted portions even. And I still gained 9 whole ass kilos.
I think the issue is that it’s hard to get any incentive to walk around since everyone needs cars for everything, unlike when you go to Europe where you have to walk to enjoy the cities.
I legitimately think there's something wrong with food here in the US but you should be able to just eat the way you normally do for the length of a vacation and not gain weight. (Is that possible? Are you coming from Asia or somewhere with a wildly different cuisine?) If you're sensitive to guar gum and similar additives you might get bloated but that will go away as soon as you go home (I swear to god that shit is in everything I hate it because it bloats me terribly). If you're eating out you just gotta eyeball it and if you're grocery shopping take a look at the ingredients before the nutrition label.
Stop stressing, it's gonna cloud your head so you can't enjoy your trip. You should be planning the things you want to do. What city/state are you visiting?
wow, 9 kilos??? was it all fat or any water weight at all? i imagine the food there is very fatty and filled with sodium, grease and other forms of slop. the europe thing is very true since i live in a tiny country where you only have to walk like 10-20 minutes to get to your destination, an hour at most so i'm fairly used to it. i'm hoping i'll be able to remain active since i want to see a lot of america and my friends are gonna be showing me around which will be exciting, but i can't help but panic at the thought that when i get back home i'll be stuck with a bunch of extra weight and have to lose it all over again. >>333401
i'm contemplating just buying my own food and mostly trying to eat clean as i do at home. veggies, fruit, nuts, etc etc. if we do go out to eat i'll avoid eating at any restaurants and bring my own drink (i've heard horror stories of diabetics getting full sugar cokes instead of non sugar ones) i just get scared of the pressure and fear of missing out. the thought of watching all my friends eat while i just sit there and watch makes me afraid i'll regret it later on, i want to cherish the moments without letting my ED get in the way but i also feel scared that the food will add up later. it's mostly just the fear of relapsing on bingeing and purging since to be honest america sounds like a bulimic nightmare. junk food and other bullshit is super cheap, chinese buffets, cheap fast food etc. also the additives and other things they put in it that i've heard make you addicted and do horrible things to your body. reading this back i really sound like a closeminded european. >>333455
i'm from scandinavia and i grew up only really eating sweets on saturdays and if my grandma baked something nice. even at home i avoid eating in most restaurants and fast food since aside from ED shit restaurant food just makes me feel sick. i worry about bloating around my friends because of my insane digestive issues and they'll see me looking like a dad with a beer belly. i'll be visiting a smaller part of alabama, i went to st charles 4 years ago and it was really nice but alabama sounds a lot different and interesting. they've already planned some places to bring me to and that's what i'm excited for most, you're right and i should try not to worry as much as it'll spoil the trip. thanks for the tip on looking at the ingredients! where i'm from they don't really add anything to the food they sell aside from basic whole ingredients so it'll be different.. and a bit scary.sorry for the paragraph, didn't expect a lot of responses since it was just me needing to get some anxiety out but thank you for responding nonas. you're all very kind and helpful
First time posting, but i really have to move on from my bullimia. I have a job, am going to get a master's degree, and i still have a very fullifying social life (even tho i still am not confortable around a majority of ppl) but its been lasting for 4 yrs now, and its getting worse and worse. I think i eat a total of 7000+ cals a day, and this has been going for like 8month+ i binge by impulse (and unfortunately have to shoplift to sustain myself) and since i have no gag reflex due to a condition i have since i was a kid, i just throw everything up immédiatly. I alway refused to give my life out to my ED so i am constantly eating in public, or w/ friends. I pretend i just have a very abnormal metabolism and let it slide. But i think its really getting to every part of my life. My cognitive fonctions, my physical abilities, my long term goals, my self estime, and most importantly, my time management. Im at average Weight, managed to cure most of the terrible body dysmorphia, and am less terribly depressed than i was. I just dont know if i can snap out of it as easily as i think it would be (i am NOT ready to gain weight tho ahah! All my friends are into fashion and modeling, so there is no way im getting even uglier tomorrow) ? I think i just need a lot of motivation, because i never made a move on it but lately i have felt like it was the right time to change. If anyone have tips, and cheers that would be soo so good ♡
>>336547>Did you tell the police?
I did a year ago. But he has rich-rich parents so nothing happened. I might as well just give him a toxic
relationship, since he is destined for a comfy white collar life.
My experience has been the same 100%. Before I got ill and lost 10-15kgs fast I was legitimately invisible eventhough I was literally normal weight and looked like a regular girl (21 BMI). Getting bombarded by male attention is so real, even the most porn-ridden "i love curves" guys are lying, skinny girls are every guy's preference. What hurt me the most was how women's behaviour towards me shifted, it definitely felt like they respected me and paid attention to me more once I became very skinny. I was invisible to most girls just as I was invisible to guys, only after I lost weight they started engaging in conversation with me and following me on social media as if I just entered their radar. It just hurts more because you think other girls would understand how it feels like, to be disregarded because of your appereance or battling with insecurities over your weight idk i thought there would be some sort of camaraderie. I didn't even realize I was being ignored because of my (normal) weight until I lost weight, I thought I had a peculiar personality thats not for everyone. I am the same person(if not more of a bitch) and I get a pass for everything now. The saddest thing is I know for a fact this weight is not sustainable for me, my body is not meant to be this skinny because my skeletal frame is not small, i fall ill easily, i get bruised easily, i feel dizzy all day. I need to seriously restrict what I eat everyday just to maintain this weight but I don't want to give up the affection and respect I get from society. To me its not even about looking good in clothes, being sexy etc. just being treated like a dignified human being. Such a shame it requires so much mental and physical sacrifice to get the bare minimum.
not my experience. i've gotten about the same amount of attention from men all my life but it felt like when i was very skinny i got more outright creepy men approaching me as well as women being really rude making comments on how i looked like >>338933
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all the Barbie movie-themed candy and snacks coming out makes my edbrain feel some kind of way. im an autistic consoomer and I’ve already bought a doll from the movie and a few trinkets but in my head a ‘real Barbie’ or real fan/even Margot Robbie herself would never eat any of the pink sugary garbage all these fast food and ice cream brands are promoting
I think the "real Barbies" would drink at least the zero sugar soda or everything else (in a binge).
I would definitely try the soda even if I was still deep in bulimia.
I understand this experience as well, especially with the body-shaming stuff from other people once you're thinner. It's really depressing to hear people you know say awful things about people just because of their weight, especially in my experience where I was at that size at one point or another. Maybe I lived in a body positivity bubble for so long but it's shocking to see how blasé society is with their insult of fat people, even in a country with such high obesity rates as my own. It feels like everyone has a superiority complex and they just want to kick anyone below them. Or maybe it's just the people I interact with. >>338933>>338966
I had a similar experience to these anons too, men were assholes when I was obese, openly insulted me, treated me like a joke, etc. Their treatment wasn't as derogatory when I was a normal weight, maybe because their interest in me was never a big fat joke, but the "attention" turned pretty nasty once I was underweight - a lot of calling me "fat" because I obviously looked like an anachan, lots of shouting at me from cars when I was walking, etc. Women I know were also a lot "crueller" to me, a lot of backhanded comments. People probably treated me the best when I was a normal weight (shocking), but at most I've learnt in my life is that people are fickle and disappointing, so weight should be a personal thing.
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>bmi drops to 13 for the dozenth time within 2 year relapse period after going nearer the 12s in December
>literally exhausted, no interests, can't concentrate or regulate emotions (also autist/bpd), relatively nihilistic about weight gain, want to stop because it's ruining my life and making my family miserable
>don't actually know how to stop because restricting and purging has been going on for over 5 years now and if I ever need support from my family with food I often feel too guilty to eat it
>less than 1 year until I turn 30
Send help nonas
This might sound obvious to you (sorry if so) but it's likely because you have an unhealthy relationship with food in general. Once you develop a "switch" where you go from 0 to 100, it's very hard to get that back to 50. I'm sorry psychologists haven't been helping you much. Are you an anxious eater? If so, maybe stocking up on low cal snacks that are "okay" to binge will signal to your brain that you don't have to restrict, but without the issue of becoming overweight enough to trigger
another downspiral. I'm sorry nona, I know this is really hard to deal with, but I hope you feel better soon.
Long term you need to get down to the root of the issue. Trauma, depression, other mental disorders, whatever is the actual cause of your ED. Short term, try to identify your triggers
. When you want to binge, feel the first hint of the urge stop and asses your feelings. Write down whether your anxious, sad, angry, bored. Then deal with each in a more productive way, distract yourself. You can also try "riding the wave". Basically just postpone the binge for 5 or 10 minutes. Feel your feelings, ride them out. Remind yourself a binge won't make your feelings go away, it won't solve the problems you're running away from.
again. Was doing a little bit better, eating once a day but then tonight I cried and got angry in front of my mum and sister and the guilt was too much so I had a (small) benzo overdose so I can sleep instead of eat. Not planning on weighing myself tomorrow but I will go shopping and buy the nicest food I can find because when I don't eat for 2 days my guilt is alleviated. It's now 2 years since my last period and living every day with the disgusting the abuser in my head. Did I ever do anything so wrong that I deserve to slowly rot from malnutrition?
This is >>342882
Thank you to everyone here for even just acknowledging this, getting it off of my chest and knowing that people are going through similar things has really helped. In the two weeks or so since I posted, I’ve been working hard to treat my body and my mind better. I’ve started therapy again (I had gone without therapy for three months) and I’m feeling hopeful. I wish recovery, and safety, to everyone here.
To me it wouldn't be a specific behavior but the thought behind it. Skipping meals because you're busy vs skipping meals because you feel miserable/depressed/not deserving of food or whatever. Hope you're better nonnie
Thank you, then I guess I really did relapse (binge/purge, obsessively weighing myself, etc).
I just wanted to lose some weight in a healthy way and not this shit again