/g/ - girl talk

>>293610
I would actually love to hear same sex couples experience on adoption. I'm a lesbian and I don't want to have birth children and instead want to adopt because I have a big dream to give someone a chance in life and prevent them from going through the foster system.

I’d definitely adopt if i were infertile. Don’t trust the foster care system and do fear for the kids in it.

>>293612
I'm not in a same sex relationship but I used to work with children with parents who were. Most important thing for children is to have two supportive adults - their sex doesn't matter. Met quite a few couples whose children were beaming and talked lovingly of their parents. One had two dads, and she called one "dad" and the other "daddy". Very cute. At that age, other children don't really question it. They do as they get older, and this isn't them being critical but rather them understanding the world so don't shy away from it. I would say know 100% what child you want to adopt. The worst thing is for parents to take on a child, then turn on that decision. Though I'd rather the couple do that than keep the child and have that child grow up with parents not loving them. Older children tend to be less adopted than babies as well.

Would love to hear more about the adoption process. I'm unable to have children due to health reasons and would like to adopt as a single parent.
Maybe it depends on a country, but I've heard you can't meet the child beforehand and see if you'll be able to bond with them which to me seems like a terrible downside. I've worked with kids for a little bit and know how difficult it can be.

>>293773
I'm the OP and an adopted child, I only have a vague idea of how things work, though keep in mind my only experiences and knowledge are of adoption as infancy and my own. It's an application, background checking of course and profiling of both parties and the birthparents may select profiles of parents they feel the most comfortable with. Waitlists for any available children, court proceedings, it's a bit of a process. International children may work a bit differently. Also, there are open and closed adoptions. The former meaning that the birthparent wants contact with the family and their child. Closed means they don't, and their personal information is censored on documents.
For older children I am not sure how it works…I agree though that it would be a lot easier to meet a child beforehand in the case of those past infancy. I think your best bet is to contact a local adoption agency if there are any near you for a more accurate answer.

>>293852
Thank you for your input, OP! Would you give any tips to the future adoptive parents from your perspective?
One thing I'm worried about is the best way of bringing up the topic of adoption with a child (I'm planning to adopt a 2-3 year old). The right thing to do would be to be open about it, there's no doubt about it, but when I imagine myself in a position of a child and it's my parents who are dropping a whammy like that on me… I know for sure that it'd cause an irreparable damage to our relationship. I just know I wouldn't feel as close to them and would feel terribly isolated like I'm all alone in this world. Same goes to growing up and knowing you're not blood related to your parents. So who's to say that my future adopted child wouldn't feel the same way? I don't know what to do.

I’m an adult adoptee. My birth mom gave me for adoption as a baby. she was divorced and it was too late for abortion. I’ve never tried to contact her. Not sure if I ever will.

I have strong relinquishment trauma. As a baby I cried a lot and sometimes even fainted during my crying tantrums.
I’ve struggled mentally basically my whole life. I have adhd, major depression, anxiety disorder and panic attacks.
There’s no other traumas or negative factors in my life or background. My adoptive parents did everything they could and I had idyllic childhood. I’m in my mid 20’s now. Sixth year in therapy, working with my third therapist.
I’m not sure if I’m ever able to have commintment relationship due to my abandonment issues, or a job because my mental health.

Sorry for typos. ESL trauma dump

>>293853
Always be open. Always. Like >>293729 explained with how kids view same sex couples, they don't really question things. I know it's hard to think otherwise since you grew up with your birthparents. Blood being thicker than water really is a myth, in my eyes. It was just a normal thing that was part of our family and that was ok. I never felt any different about my parents at all or been the subject of any ill will towards them. Hiding the truth from your children and dropping a bomb on them later in life imo is the worst thing you can do to them. Be up front about them with it. They're kids, they'll probably just shrug their shoulders and say ok, then move on. I say this as someone who was adopted as an infant though..but I feel like 2-3 years old is still a young enough age where they wouldn't really question things.
Think of it this way: I got in touch with my birthmother years ago. I still need to message her back but it felt so awkward for me. I don't feel anything big towards her, because she didn't raise me, regardless of blood. She isn't the one I formed a bond with. My adoptive parents are the ones I did, whether they're "real" or not.
That isn't to say any of us have run into any issues. My siblings and I do look different. We have Asian family members. My father would get treated like a pedophile in public because they assumed he was dating a very young Asian girl. I got a lot of ignorant comments from bullies who knew. Being adopted does set you up for some issues, but that's just part of life really.

I genuinely want everyone in this thread who is interested in adopting to go on to the #adopteevoices tag on really any social media platform (tik tok has some great stuff surprisingly)

>Nobody is owed a child
>Kinship and reunification should always be explored, most children are ultimately "bought" in the domestic and international adoption process
>Being in a same sex couple does not mean you are owed a child. I know, it sucks that any couple or shitty parents can pop kids out, but adoption is ultimately traumatic
>all adopted children should have the right to their legal documentations. Closed adoptions are wrong.
>Adopting or fostering a children of another race requires intention. If you do not know how to do say a black kid's hair, LEARN.

>>293861
I was actually going to just chime in saying that if you plan to adopt internationally or start a trans racial family, try to integrate their culture into their upbringing even if you adopt them as an infant. Guatemalan adoptee friends were taught Spanish at a young age and I feel I missed out on my own culture by not having that option. Very common for transracial adoptees to have identity issues. NPR did a great segment on this a few years ago.

https://www.npr.org/2018/10/13/657201204/code-switch-transracial-adoptees-on-their-racial-identity-and-sense-of-self

That said, and it's mentioned here, lots don't feel a connection to their race or culture because they want to blend in better with their white families and are disinterested with where they came from. I know a lot who feel that way. Up to the child really but hindsight is 20/20

>>293862
As someone who was born in a shithole county, but now lives in bongland, my first thought was to adopt from my birth country, internationally. It seemed like the better choice. That is, until I remembered how backwards my country is. Bongland adoption sites talk about caring for the babies/kids in their care by giving them access to counselling, etc which isn't a thing where I'm from. There's been a few bad stories in the media from westerns who adopted kids and even babies from my country. That they have too many behavioural issues, hidden health issues that weren't disclosed and they're almost feral like. And being real with myself, I know I wouldn't be able to help a child like that.

>>293861
Thank you anon! I can’t participate in adoption discussions as much as I would want to due to my own trauma. I’m grateful that you made the effort to share this information and as an adoptee I can 100% confirm this.

Only thing I want to add is that there is tons of abuse in the adoption system. Look it up.

I can try to dig resources when I’m in the right mindset. It’s gruel and heartbreaking how adoptees have to go through all of that. I’m one of the lucky ones as a 1st world country domestic case and it still affects everything my life.

Please remember that every adopted child has trauma and that makes every adopted child a special needs kid. Most of the adopted kids have diagnosed cognitive or behavioral problems, sadly. You are going to get a child with a traumatic past and you need to be equipped to deal with it.

For understanding the relinquishment trauma I suggest reading Nancy Verrier.

>>293890
OP here. That's a big reason why I made this thread. I'm similar to you; 1st world adopted, middle class family. I was a baby but I still have mental health and abandonment issues. I made the mistake of looking back on the Soren thread a bit ago. I know we're on LC and I should lighten up, but it struck a chord with me how ignorant people are about adoption and what comes along with it regardless of family situation.
I have no issues with my birth mom and I admire her for her decision in a way. I've never felt alienated by my birth parents not being biological, but regardless I still have problems. I think there's probably something deep within me just from being given up that comes with the territory.
There's no easy answers with adoption. It's a difficult issue on all sides and angles. I had a feeling there might be some conflict between adoptees and parents but I hope we can hear each other out.

>>293896
I personally recommend you to read Nancy Verrier’s book ‘Primal wound’. It helped me to understand my trauma and gave me words to describe it.
My birth mother gave me away as soon as I was born. Even though I can’t remember that moment my nervous system will always carry the trauma. Newborn baby does not have a sense of self as a separate being from its mother. Relinquishment breaks down the whole self before there’s even concept of it.

>>293881
Most kids that need adopting are kids that have behavioral or emotional issues. Loving parents that give their kid a healthy stable environment to develop in tend to not give their kids up for adoption.

>>293898
Thank you for the recommendation anon, I'll make sure to read it. Do you know if your birth mother also had planned to give you up long before that? And if it was from an extramarital affair? I think my birthmom had a fling and got pregnant and my father wanted nothing to do with it. I don't think they actually dated long-term or not. I'd assume that the high stress and sadness of dealing with a breakup and the father of your child being absent during a pregnancy would cause issues with a fetus as well. Not sure if Nancy's book goes over that but I'm curious about that particular subject.

>>293896
Ntayrt, but thanks for offering a space OP. The soren threads! That actually struck a chord with me too. Obviously there was a lot going on, but the adoption ignorance was difficult at times to read.

>>293906
My backstory is very similar. My birth mom was a single mom with one kid already and then she got pregnant and it was too late for adoption. She didn’t knew she was pregnant before 6 months, or at least that’s what my birth papers say…
Prenatal stress and mother’s mental distress is known factor for later problems in baby’s cognitive functioning and mental health.

>>293881
I’m glad that you thought about adopting carefully and did your research. It breaks my heart that some people abandon their adopted children because the trauma and other issues are too much to handle.

What I have heard and read, it’s not unusual that there’s undiscovered special needs, especially in international adoption.
The intensity of the child’s trauma is something I would also consider. Orphans in developing countries are vulnerable to abuse. Sexual abuse and mistreatment leaves trauma and it’s not pretty. Sometimes the child starts to act inappropriately towards family members due to their trauma.

So I thought I'd comment because there's a lot of people with negative feelings about adoption here, maybe a different perspective would be good.
I was adopted as a newborn through the public system, my birth mother was a teen, my parents were in their 30s, educated, etc. I'm super happy I was adopted, I adore my family and they adore me. My mom and I had a lot of issues when I was growing up but nothing related to the adoption, just spoiled bratty teen things. My dad and grandfathers passed away sadly, but my mom, grandmothers, uncles and me are super close and we get together at least once a week. We're very supportive of each other.
Me being adopted has never been a thing that bothered me, I've known since forever too, and that probably helps (if any nonnie is looking into adoption, NEVER hide it from your kid, they should know as soon as they can understand it). I also really look like my family (I have blonde hair like my dad, green eyes like my grandma, I have the same body type as my other grandma, several moles and a birthmark in the exact same place as my mom, etc) which made things even easier.
Adoption has been nothing but positive for me but it is true that in many ways my family and I got very lucky. For example my parents didn't even go into a waitlist, they were selected by my birth mother as soon as they applied.

>>294042
Are you an only child anon? I'm curious.
I ask because I'm wondering if only child adopted families might be a better idea than multiple adopted children. My family, along with most I know, are all adopted kids from different families. Then I have a friend that has a mixed family of biological and adopted children and that never seemed like the best idea to me…

>>294054
Yeah I'm an only child and tbh I see what you're saying.

>>294042
I’ve seen most positive stories involve someone who was voluntarily relinquished at near birth, in this case your mother being a teen mom who even got to select who became your family.

but unfortunately, stories like yours are a rarity, despite it being the most propagandized in the public conscious (i say this with no offense to you, i love hearing happy adoption stories). most adoptions involve a birth family desperately trying to fight the system to get their kid back. or worse, international markets that have been proven to be smuggling processes. when i even think about how poor families get their kids places in foster care, regardless of any abuse, it makes me go nuts.

>government deems you too poor to care for family
>government pays ANOTHER financially stableish family or individual to take care of your kids for you

it’s absolutely insane even just typing it out.

>>293861
>adoption is ultimately traumatic
but isn't it better to have 1 or 2 people to bond with, than being in foster care or in an institution? i'm not adopted and i know that there are shitty practices all around adoption, but isn't it the lesser of 2 evils?

>>294092
Yeah adoption is a very difficult subject because there's no easy answer. The alternatives are pretty awful, and who knows what living situations would be in original birth families.
>Nobody is owed a child
But do infertile people who want kids just suffer? What about women with endo who had no say in anything?
People have become more woke (not in the sjw way) on adoption and the narrative is shifting to be less about the parents and more about adoptees' voices, which is a good thing, but still at the end of the day, what is the solution? It gets even more difficult when you add race into that: should white parents adopt non-white kids, or only adopt white kids, thus leaving non-white kids behind without a home?
When I think of this question, I just come to the solution that I would have just been better off aborted and it would have saved me a pre-determined life of troubles kek. But I know that's rather grim though and not everyone will end up like me.

>>294092
I think the problems are oddly tied, because many would argue that adoption as a system pushes more kids into foster care for parents they deem should have kids. As in adoption creates a demand for state services and private adoption services to act unethically toward parents and grandparents who could’ve kept their child if they had a tiny bit more support. There is far more sympathy for rich old ppl who couldn’t conceive then a struggling young mom.

There’s also the whole “rehoming” issue that no one wants to deal with. Two of my friends growing up were adopted and rehomed, as in parents went “we made a mistake adopting you” and actually gave them back to state services, despite being with them for a couple years. Adoption is not the end of the road for many. It’s incredibly common, adoption is rarely a one time match.

What’s even more fucked up, if you adopt internationally and “change your mind,” you can just feed them into private adoption agencies with no oversight. Look up the Stauffer family story. Very fucked up, and incredibly common sadly.

>>294102
I mean unfortunately yes, nobody is truly owed a child including people struggling with infertility. Children come into this world with their own past, identity, and trauma the moment they’re taken away at a delicate age. The biological studies only become more affirming.

And I do say this as a person who is saving for IVF. I say this knowing how much it sucks, because I want a family so damn bad. But I’m not owed a person that already exists.

This ofc doesn’t mean I think kids shouldn’t have a family, but as in its better to push for extended legal guardianship for their life until they’re an older teen to make the decision of being adopted. Adoption is a legally designated status that limits you in your previous documentation, agency, and past.

>>294117
People who give back or re-home an adopted child should be put in prison for child cruelty and abandonment. It's unforgivable.

I always think about how this one girl I was friends with (black with very curly hair) was adopted by a local white family in our neighborhood, and her hair was always matted and in one bun. But then the local cafeteria worker noticed and started doing her hair after school every Friday for free.

Apparently her parents never thanked the lunch lady, and thought she was looking down on them. Which is kind of hilarious because no shit she was, you let your child have a permanent bad hair day for her entire childhood. Anybody would look down on parents like that.

And now every time I see black kids with non-black parents, I always notice that their hair is never really in braids, combed, or taken care of. Can’t unsee it. When the state reviews whether you’re fit to adopt, shouldn’t idk.. providing hygienic care be a standard?

>>294117
I still can't help but wish I was adopted, even just a couple years of love and bonding as a baby would've been enough to prevent me from becoming feral.

>>294134
My sister and I are mixed black and while we don't have kinky curly hair, it's frizzy and coarse and we didn't discover African haircare until way too late in life. Our frizzed out hair was always a bullying subject in our 99.7% white school and we weren't dark skinned enough to get away with going natural either. I think our parents just assumed we weren't black enough to need it either.

>>294155
im sorry you went through that, that really sucks. I also notice that a lot of transracial adoptee families tend to keep their kids in all white environments or away from any similar culture/groups of people. so strange.

>dark skinned enough to get away with going natural

oh? i feel like i always heard the opposite, like as in only lighter skinned people get away with going full natural, but i'm sure environments/culture is different in different places. especially with how attitudes on natural hair has shifted

>>294180
Well the opposite would suck too. I'd probably be too light to be in an all black school and get torn apart just the same. I know my birthmother was also mixed and got bullied for being too light skinned in a mostly black community, and she's much blacker than me. Lose-lose either way I guess kek. A family friend with an adopted black daughter from my same town though actually ended up transferring to a blacker school area though to feel more in place.
And no my facial features are ambiguously black at best so I still couldn't get away with it. So I was just a fat nosed olive skinned girl with rat nest hair of racial ambiguity to everyone kek.

What are anons' experiences with rejection sensitivity and do you feel it directly relates to being adopted? Rejection sensitivity has made my life so much harder and has held me back from many normal life experiences. I seem to react to any scenario where rejection is possible much more dramatically than others and take it much harder, and try to avoid them wherever I can

>>293610
Adoption sucks don't get adopted lol

>>294153
Probably wouldn't have