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No. 377685

This is a support thread for women who have been abused by an intimate partner, whether physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually, or in some other form. Discussion of experiences with either male or female abusers are welcome, but please keep the focus of this thread on the unique circumstances involving partners (e.g., boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse) rather than other types of relationships.

Topics of discussion may include things such as:
>lasting damages stemming from manipulative or violent behavior and how to heal
>advice for leaving an ongoing relationship
>tips for protecting your physical, legal, or financial safety after leaving
>venting about past experiences
>recovery milestones, positive growth/changes made after abuses
>unlearning warped beliefs instilled by a past partner
>building new, healthy relationships with genuine love and respect

Please avoid infighting by comparing whose experiences were worse or blaming victims by implying that they "had it coming," "asked for it," or "deserved" the mistreatment. The feelings felt by victims are complex and women frequently experience genuine feelings of affection or attachment to their abusers, or face risks and consequences if they consider leaving; while it is desirable that all women who are in an unhealthy relationship may escape, please try to be sympathetic that sometimes a woman may hold onto lingering sentiments, wind up going back, or not feel ready/safe enough to immediately leave her situation just yet, and that these are all common and normal for these situations.
Many women find it stressful (and reminiscent of the abuser) when they are told what exactly they ought to do or feel in response to abusiveness, and it is often more helpful to encourage her to build her confidence and self-worth rather than push decisions onto her. The average woman attempts to leave 7 times before escaping for good.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can—And Should—Be Saved by Lundy Bancroft
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger. R Hock
Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering by Kerry Lobel
National Domestic Violence Hotline (call 1-800-787-3224 or text START to 88788)
Why a focus on women's experiences matters (aka "what about men abused by women??")
Large list of resources for specific concerns (mothers, religious women, race-specific resources, women with legal troubles)
Call 911 or your country's equivalent in case of an imminent emergency.

Stay safe, and the best of luck towards healing!

No. 377693

promising thread idea, nonna!

No. 377786

Starting off the thread by just sharing a bit about where I'm at right now.
Last night I had a nightmare about my ex trying to contact me under a fake alias, then coming to my home to try to hurt me out of anger that I'm with someone new. It was pretty scary and I dunno, I'm wondering if I should have more of a safety plan prepared. We live in relatively distant states but he knows my address. I've avoided revealing my new relationship publicly or to friends who know him personally, sometimes I wonder if I'm being paranoid but I think I'll keep it up, at least until I feel ready to confide in more people about the past abuses so I'll have a stronger support system.
Overall my healing has taken a turn for the better, but as the acute feelings of despair/anxiety/etc. dissipate, I'm now wrestling with sorting out what old beliefs I'm still hanging onto. Sometimes it's mundane stuff, like… Someone told me that I walk pretty fast, which surprised me because my abuser ex was always rushing ahead and bumping into me, then getting mad at me and calling me slow. It seems like my memory isn't actually awful either, I just couldn't keep track of the myriad of supposed ways I was wronging him. I wonder what else I don't know about myself.
But overall it's kind of jarring that now there are people who genuinely like me and even look up to me in some ways, because my instinct feels like I ought to be on the bottom. My abuser wanted me to just sit down and shut up all the time (once he lamented about how much it sucks that I couldn't just literally sit and do nothing but wait whenever he was away) so it's sometimes hard to overcome the urge to be as small and invisible and minimally inconvenient as possible. I'm trying my best to just go along with people's kindness and thank them rather than reject it, but I feel like I'm still in the faking part of faking it until I make it. At core I'm wondering what people see in me.
I think that as long as I'm patient and don't dump any trauma too soon, I'm on a good path… but it's going to take a while

No. 377787

>gave the ugly guy a chance
>i'm average, but he's far below average
>made me feel like a supermodel
>he couldn't believe he "got me"
>cue the emotional abuse
>i start feeling uglier and uglier and uglier from his cruel comments about me
>not even aware of what's happening, all i know is i wanted to die
>break up with him because too depressed and insecure about myself to socialize anymore
>some time goes by
>realize it was all him, he was killing me mentally
>now trying to recover and not gag at the sight of myself in the mirror

No. 377815

It takes a long time but you can get your confidence back. I don’t want to blog too much about my own abuser but apart from the gaslighting and sexual abuse constantly, it was harping on my appearance when I was the kind of woman who got stopped in the street when we were together. He called me fat, he nitpicked my skin, he took unflattering pictures of me and showed them to me, it was endless. He compared my body parts to pornstars and forced me to watch porn while he detailed why she was better etc. if I had gotten therapy more quickly after escaping, I prob would have gotten myself “right” faster but I waited years. The good news is I love myself again and you can too. my abuser was an Italian guy btw, for anyone wondering if they should date one abroad. Don’t.

No. 377849

My ex behaved very similarly nona. He was never ever physically abusive towards me (in fact he would say ‘yelling is abuse’ to shut me down in arguments) but mentally and verbally he was the most abusive manipulative and passive aggressive man I’ve ever met. I’m mixed race and he was white, so he would insult my nipple color, vagina color and skintone constantly. He would joke about how he didn’t want kids in case they ended up ‘sh*t skins’ like me. He would mock everything about my ethnic side, talk about how I would be prettier with a different eye color, forced me to watch porn and would send other womens nudes to me all day saying how much better it would be if I had x more desirable feature. I wasn’t good enough for him because my boobs were the wrong size, my waist wasn’t narrow enough, my hips bones didn’t protrude enough for him, my ass wasn’t round enough for him, I didn’t have Venus dimples, my thigh gap was too small, my calves were too big, made me go in fasts until I fainted etc etc. He would nitpick every single part of my body on the daily. He would masturbate to other women in front of me and leave porn on his screen to make me feel worse. He talked about wanting to smash my face in and throttle me, called me a cunt, a drama whore, a stupid bitch etc etc but didn’t dare put a finger on me irl luckily.

In the end I finally left him and realized he was just a miserable covert narcissist who was determined to make me feel shit because he felt shit inside too. For the longest time my confidence was in ruins and I didn’t leave the house for a year straight after the breakup because I felt like I looked like a monster and developed BDD because of him. Luckily now I’m over it and I don’t even take it personally anymore because I’ve realized there are tons of men out there who just exist to try and make women feel shit about themselves and even if it wasn’t you they’re doing it to, they’d be doing it to the next girl too anyway. Being in a relationship with a mentally abusive moid is basically being in a relationship with an irl internet troll, and it’s exactly as stupid and foolish as that. It doesn’t matter what you do or how perfect you are, there will always exist weirdo men who are determined to bring you down for no reason other than they want to ruin your happiness.

No. 377865

Anyone else like to find humor in the absurdity of retarded abuser logic? Sometimes when I'm in the right mood for it, I reminisce about stupid things he said and laugh about it because of how nonsensical and tragically not self-aware it is, it's the supreme form of irony. It's kinda dark but I feel like it genuinely helps me heal to be able to see how insane and clownish he was, it's just kinda impossible to share with other people most of the time. Sometimes I wonder about posting an excerpt (he loved writing out long autistic villain monologuing essays) with personal details blocked out here but idk if making fun of his gross twisted words is something that'd only be entertaining to me.

No. 377874

When I look back on it, my abuser was like an overgrown child who would have tantrums over the most retarded shit. I felt horrible when he would do things like blame me for taking him to restaurants that weren't up to his standards but now I see that he acted exactly like a child. My abuser also would say retardedly villainous shit too, mostly centered around how he wanted to kill his family.

No. 377881

I am currently in one I tried leaving 3 times, he is the only one with a job and we have a child together. I feel stupid, I have always been reserved and somewhat anxious but now I’m Infuriatingly a shut in. I was not working but now I am and I am saving up to leave him, I’m going to ghost him because he let me stay with him and then kept licking me out then drawing me back in. I still think of all he has said and done and I abused him back because I was scared and I felt cornered. I punched his face so hard he had a black eye and i scratched him so hard he still has a scar I drew blood I’ve smooshed his nuts before, and I was mad and I’m not even violent but he KNOWS how to piss me off. He calls me a bad mom and a whore when he’s mad and stupid and retarded. When he gets mad he doesn’t even hit me he chokes or restrains me and i get so scared and one time I swore I was gonna call the cops and I didn’t wanna wake my baby but he kept escalating and he was telling me he was tired of me and he was holding my phone so I finally got it from him and then he started crying and telling me he loved me, “please don’t call the cops, this will never happen again. I love you.” We “made up” (realistically nowhere to go, on a waiting list for a womens shelter and my family is abusive and also on drugs.) we had sex that night and he acted extra sweet to me and held me as I was sobbing. He spoiled me for the next few days. It was just… I don’t know I felt like I could get used to it almost. We are currently normal but we got into a fight a few days ago it hasn’t escalated physically since the almost calling the cops incident. I can feel him start to get mad sometimes. It happens so easily, even when I am not bothering him it could be the tiniest disagreement and he’ll flip out and I get so scared, my throat feels full and my heart beats fast like my body physically braces itself. And we have sex a lot. Every time we do i disociate. I just get scared when he’s near me but I have to do everything I can so he doesn’t get mad. I only go to the library or to the store for peace. But even then I dread going home. To be quite honest I’m sad I have to leave him, but I will. We have pictures up of all of us going to Disneyland, the zoo, wedding and just picnics and awards hanging up, he spoils me when he’s not mad and I have nice clothes and stuff because of him. I didnt work and had lots of time to go to the park, exercise, and just do whatever I please. We live in a nice house and I get used to everything but it’s hellish when he’s mad and I can sense when he starts to get mad and then I remember how he was and can get. Maybe I should’ve called the cops that night. Sometimes I’ll just get flashbacks in the middle of the day while things are still normal. And I try not to cry while going about my day. I feel like I have nobody and I’m responsible for the hell I’ve created. I see women all over online say not to have kids because men can’t be trusted and I keep my mouth shut. They are right, I don’t regret my baby but I’m so sad for her. I question my judgement too. Like why didn’t I see it before? And I don’t want her to not have a dad but no dad is better than an abusive one. Please pray for me!

No. 377882

Nona, you are very strong for looking towards leaving and I can tell that you're looking out for your baby as best as you can. We all blame ourselves and feel stupid for ending up in these situations and even having some good memories, and it happens even to very smart and responsible women (and I'd argue especially to compassionate women), it's just that sadly not everyone understands. Not actively resisting every act of abuse does not mean that you didn't do enough to stop it, sometimes your intuition understands that it would be unsafe or that you are too drained of energy to do more, and it's normal for women to lash out after enduring a lot.
It depends on how trustworthy your local resources are but if you feel safe about it, you can talk to the police (non-emergency number) even if it's not an acute crisis and let them know your situation so they can respond fast if anything happens. And I will pray for you definitely (if you're someone who prays out of a certain faith/religion, there can sometimes be ways to connect with free support through that, like women's groups or aid with food). I wish you the best, hope is very possible.

No. 377898

"i will kill you AND your cat"
i kind of lost it and laughed in his face. whatd my cat do to you kek.
i kept rolling my eyes at him in my head. he would craft his self-image after cartoon villains, from voldemort to fascist dictators. he made being british a major personality trait of his, and dressed like a golfing grandpa in attempts to look "vintage" (he did not understand silhouette). he tried to speak like a posh eton boy despite being new money middle class. he played around with various religions, based on how edgy they were. ultimately he converted to "fundamental baptism" after watching steven anderson on youtube. that's the kind of guy he was.
he threw a deodrant bottle across my room because i set down his dinner plate on the table "with attitude unbecoming of a woman". he said "i will NOT be having it, anon!" his whole larp was so goofy and tryhard.
he ruined the word "modest" for me and made me hate vintage fashion for a few months.
ultimately i humored him, because i knew he is deeply insecure and that he hates women because the women in his life were retarded. i thought that if i show him the world, he will realize the error of his ways. i also thought he'll grow out of being an edgelord. he never did, so we broke up after he called me a bitch (because i said i do not like nick fuentes).

thankfully he was not the skilled manipulator he saw himself as, and i could just leave. i know this sort of thing isn't funny to those who are genuinely trapped in such relationships.
he thought he had me around his finger, because i let him think that. instead of feeling comfortable with my loyalty towards him, he got more confident in using me as a punching bag. i regret humoring his ego and being patient with him.

No. 377923

Not the one you replied to but your post breaks my fucking heart because I'm in the same situation. I'm white and was made to feel like a masculine gross tranny for not being a tiny asian, his preference. These covert narcissists will automatically think of you as dirt if you love them, because they know they're worthless. So you loving someone who's worthless is pathetic in their eyes.

I struggle doing my makeup and working out these days. I feel so fucking ugly because of him. I met someone new who worships me, but I'm just waiting for him to turn on me and start slaughtering me like the last narc did. I feel nothing when he tells me I'm sexy. I'm just waiting for the abuse to begin. They destroy you forever. I feel so disgustingly hideous.

No. 377925

Mine started "joking" about how he would love to see my cat get tortured by those east euro animal abusers who make gore videos and then was genuinely confused when I lost my cheery mood and started sulking away from him when he wouldn't apologize. He couldn't comprehend what was wrong. Then hours later he came to me and was all like "hey so I just realized that if you said that about my dog I'd hate your guts forever, so I guess I kinda get why you're upset" like it was some grand revelation.
He'd get jealous of my cat and whine about me looking at pictures of her or saying I love her (instead of HIM!! Why not gush over him instead???). He'd try to dampen my opinion of her by bringing up times she accidentally scratched me or something even though he hurts me on purpose and she never does. A grown man getting insecure over a cute cat, kek.

No. 377927

That’s so funny that you say he tried to craft a posh identity, my Italian abuser ex did the same. He was from the far far south and was clearly very self conscious about how southerners are viewed in a city like Florence, and he fancied himself an academic which was a giant LOL. I laugh now at his attempts to be so elegant and elitist, wearing blazers on 100 degree days and forcing me to walk with his arm over my shoulders. What a fucking loser, and he was ten years older than me too. Sometimes I like remembering one of the few times I stood up to him and also made him look dumb in front of others. I paid for it later but it was worth it and it still makes me proud today

No. 377928

My ex was SEETHINGLY jealous of my best friend because she is beautiful and likes and dates women and I also like and date women. He thought because she had short hair at the time she must be a predatory lesbian who wanted to steal me away. Never mind that we are not each others types and that’s such a devaluation of our friendship. He was so pathetic. ALL our exes ITT are pathetic!!!!!

No. 377934

My ex was also paranoid of my friends mainly because he had none himself and I felt like he didn't want me to have any friends. He cheated on me multiple times yet he would accuse me of cheating on him when I was hanging out with my friends. These fucking loser exes seriously are all the same.

No. 377939

reading this thread it struck me how all these men behave in exactly the same way!!
i recently left the apartment i've been living in with my abusive bf to stay with my family and he's been blowing up my phone telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how he just wants me to come back… it falls so flat to me and makes me feel even worse because just weeks ago he was telling me how he hates me and wishes i would disappear and nobody loves me and i'm less than worthless lol. i feel stupid for forgiving him over and over again and not just leaving before we moved in together. i keep trying to tell him that it's over between us but he keeps calling me crying and refusing to take no for an answer. i am scared of him and not sure what will happen if i really put my foot down and block him. since staying with my family i stupidly saw him twice and the last time we were together he hit me in the throat and refused to drive me back to my parents house. i feel like such an idiot for even starting a relationship with him when there were so many red flags. i feel too ashamed to tell my parents what really happened but i feel like i should so they can prepare if he decides to do something crazy? idk. i just wish none of this ever happened!!! sorry if this is an unnecessary amount of blogging

No. 377941

Idk if this was abusive but one of my ex's friends started dating an 18 year old girl still in HS, during his mid 20's. The relationship moved very fast and after like 2 years they were already engaged. The girl's life changed a lot because of this. Then suddenly in the 3rd year she dumped him. Boy I was so glad. This guy was a serial coomer who masturbated in the university bathrooms. He watched lots of porn and slutty tiktoks. He was a very hateful person and said terrible things about his ex gf (who did not deserve it). I met him recently and he is still full of rage due to the break up and told me he wants to get back together but also wants to punch the girl. He wants to make her suffer like she did to him. I don't think he would but who tf says that about someone you supposedly want to marry?
I hope this girl seriously moves on and finds someone better. She's apparently still sad about the break up but god I hope she moves on.

No. 377943

I would take any threat of violence seriously and let this woman know that. My ex was a dweeby-looking guy that most people would assume is harmless but he threatened violence a few times and I later learned he actually once assaulted his own mother. He restrained me and raised his fist towards me shortly before I left him for good.

No. 377961

It’s the dweeby looking ones who are often the most violent. The most physically abusive guy I know was super short and skinny. He actually killed his ex gf too.

No. 377981

my most forceful and cruel ex was a baby faced manlet

No. 378039

Unless your parents are the type to blame you for abuse and/or tell you to go back to him, you have to tell them. You need support. If it feels too much to say it out loud, then write a letter and hand to them or something. You will absolutely feel less ashamed, and it will eventually disappear, once you have people in your life who can provide emotional support.
Stop talking to him. Don't block him if you think he's dangerous but stop answering the phone when he calls.
Since you think he's dangerous, contact a domestic violence group in your country. They can help with coming up a plan to cut him out of your life in a way that minimizes or eliminates the danger.
Don't blame yourself or feel ashamed. You gave someone you cared for the benefit of the doubt and most of the time that works and the person turns out be decent or, at worst, just a jerk. Unfortunately, this time it didn't work out but that's not your fault, it's his.

No. 378048

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Want to leave my emotionally abusive shitty relationship of 3 years but we live together. A tale as old as time but my city is in a housing crisis. Rents skyrocketed and the cost of breaking up is daunting. I saw one estimate in an article that leaving a live in relationship can cost up to $15,000. Lucky we don’t have kids. I could leave and afford to but I would like more savings so it wouldn’t be such a financial hit to move out and start again. Every day I wonder Can I last 6 months in this miserable situation so I’d be in a better position to gtfo. Some days are better than others but always I’m made out to be insane and the problem. The fights are so bad, not physical but still scary. I hate it! I hate being treated this way but I feel angry that I would be screwing myself financially leaving now. Maybe I can be checked out and surviving in the meantime.

No. 378090

Do you have family or friends that you could stay with until you get your own place?

No. 378100

lmfaooo the "hold my elbow mlady"… he watched too many of those 50s ettiquette tv clips on youtube.
the funniest thing is that he was a high school dropout, and i was studying in the same university as most of the royalty. he really didnt like that. kept saying shit like "anyone can get into universities, even my sister is in one and shes dumb" and "women don't need degrees anyway, i don't know why youre there because people only go to university to drink and party". i felt bad for him so i entertained his rants.
allegedly he's a tate stan now, and im not even suprised if thats true.

No. 378211

I’m stuck does anyone have advice for dealing with a moid who gets mad at me for every little thing? I’m trying so hard but to no avail I don’t even like him anymore but I just don’t wanna live scared so I just try keep him happy I’m very miserable

No. 378231

leave him?

No. 378278

Leave him. I know it's scary but it will be the best thing you do in the long run. As long as you keep no contact and take precautions, it's unlikely he will strike back. If it warrants it, a restraining order can be helpful too and will give him a clear message to fuck off.

No. 378445

Do you have family that supports you? Friends? Are most of your friends his friends? What’s keeping you in here?

No. 378510

I tried to I don’t have any family or friends, i was in a shelter but they kicked me out and I had to come back it sucks
I was financially dependent on him and he rescued me from my abusive family only to turn out to be shitty himself

No. 378514

Yes nonna, you numb yourself, have a good cry and leave. Literally moids are gonna act like this once they’re done with you.

No. 382745

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Can we talk about physical abuse?

I'm free from that relationship now but I'm kind of struggling with this because I feel like there's less understanding out there for this, at least among younger women. A lot of the current abuse discussion leans heavily on advocating the "emotional abuse is real abuse too!" point, which I 100% agree with because that part was definitely more painful, but I feel like it really dominates the conversation and I never hear about the experience of grappling with physical abuse. I feel like some people almost seem to see it as some less relevant thing that happens to older housewives or really poor women in unsafe areas; I'm 20 and relatively well-off and I guess it can feel like nobody else in my demographic understands because it never seems to be talked about.

Or it feels like people will think that I must have been basically asking for it, because I feel like people might understand falling for something like gaslighting, but will think that I must be a complete and utter retard for not fleeing ASAP as soon as things got physical. Or even think that I must've enjoyed it as some kink thing (barf, abuser thought that)

It's not what was the most painful but it's probably one of the things I feel most ashamed of. Just remembering how I'd worry about how to hide bruising or how I'd grovel to him begging for comfort after getting strangled by him, because I felt like I couldn't let anyone else know why I was hurt. It makes me feel so stupid. I am really struggling to not feel like I was basically complicit at times when the abuse wasn't even veiled or sugarcoated, but just out in the open, and yet I didn't leave.

No. 382792

I've not been physically abused so I can't speak from a personal experience but I am very sorry that happened to you, anon. I've noticed something similar to what you mentioned, in that older people will kind of give me a look if I mention I was in an abusive relationship and say no when they inevitably ask if they hit me. Younger people are more understanding. A generational thing, I guess? Though I think physical abuse is more tricky in general because a lot of people have never experienced it and don't see it as something complicated. "I would never let someone hit me" kind of thinking. Even though emotional abuse is always present in physical abuse, too. Sending you love.

No. 382893

Does anyone struggle with feeling like you're a worse off person because of your abuse? That you became guilty of similar things your ex did because you feel unloveable and broken? It took me years to recognize my own toxicity in my relationships following my abusive ones and I feel like a piece of shit for it. I repressed my abuse and thought that meant it didn't affect me, but I only came to realize that they did a lot more damage than I thought

No. 382932

I never had great self esteem but after my shitty relationship it's never been this bad. I can't stand to look at my face or body. I feel like everyone is watching me in public. I'm not even comfortable in private, I feel the same judgmental eyes on me when I'm alone. The same disgust and shame. Being happy and shamelessly enjoying things are foreign to me now, there's a layer of deep shame and embarrassment to everything I do no matter how inconsequential. I worry that people think I'm weird and a fuckup but are just too polite to mention it to my face. He was big on that, scolding me after family gatherings or time with friends that I thought went fine but actually "you shouldn't have done/said xyz" Scolding me in public for "acting autistic" because I was embarrassing him and didn't realize. Looking back I didn't do anything wrong, he was the one that was insecure. Even knowing this I can't bring myself to enjoy things. I don't participate in my hobbies anyone, including the big one that was a huge part of my life and very important to me at some point. All of my interests were stupid, or childish, or not being utilized as a way to make money and thus a waste of time. It feels like my fun quirky personality was drained away and what's left is this anxious, neurotic shell of a human being. Not even a human being, I feel like a prey animal most of the time. Feeling weak, vulnerable, exposed, and afraid 24/7. It's exhausting. I'm getting better, I'm feeling more like myself again, but I wish it would happen faster. I've been saying "I feel a little more like myself again" for 3 years now. I know I'm making progress but it feels like I'm stagnating. I want to be who I used to be so badly. More of a vent so sorry, post got away from me

I relate anon. I was a lot meaner during my relationship and I'm still more cynical and judgmental of others than I'd like to be.

No. 382992

I've been out of my abusive relationship for 4 years and I still feel some sadness at having betrayed myself because I was too afraid of being alone. I didn't even like my ex as a person and I knew it, but I didn't think anyone else would want me as much as he did.

The only thing that took the day-to-day feeling of physical-emotional pain was a few rounds of ketamine IV therapy. Once I shook off the pain I kept feeling (ptsd? I felt bad about it every day and it was never centered around missing my ex) I was able to accept that I let myself down and didn't respect myself while I was in that relationship.

No. 382998

I remember talking about my physical abuse ordeal on reddit and asking for insight, and within 12 hours got messages from dozens of horny coomer moids harassing me with bdsm and kink shit and saying they jerked off to my post. It made me too embarrassed to talk about physical abuse again tbh, because I know most men are thinking ‘she probably deserved it and that’s hot’ and there’s so many pickmes nowadays who fetishize being slapped, choked and hit. It just makes me want to not talk about it at all.

No. 383001

Sometimes the verbal abuse my ex gave me makes me laugh now bc it was just so ridiculous. Like saying he wanted to be patrick bateman so he could kill me, it was just so cringe lmao. Or threatening to mutilate me bc I asked if he could please tell me if he was coming home for dinner or staying at his friends place.

No. 383002

You sound so much like me after I left my ex six years ago and I just wish I could hug you or give you some comfort. It takes a lot of undoing to get that conditioning out of your mind but it can be done. I am happy to tell you that now I don’t think about him at all really, and that my self esteem is higher than it’s ever been — but it took a lot of work to get here. I’ll never forget what happened and neither will you but you won’t feel this horrible forever nonna ♥ if you can, start doing small things you used to love that make you feel confident in your abilities even if it’s just making a fucking grilled cheese. Your abuser made you feel worthless because that’s how HE felt and that’s what HE was. I am here to tell you that you have so much worth and he is a miserable fuck and always will be.

No. 383008

I had two very abusive boyfriends. Was even engaged to the first. The first relationship we meet when I was 16, moved in together when I was 19, he was 21. First night he hit me. Should have left then but we had history, we were young and when people who say they love you hurt you, you want to forgive them. That's strength not weakness. I came from an abusive home where my mother beat me and that boyfriend was aware. I had to spend a Christmas with his family when I was still in school and they were like guardians which made it more difficult when their son became abusive and controlling when he got his "own" household.

So basically I began therapy around 23 for family issues on the bequest of my father. It was during this phase when I was working through other issues and gaining self worth I was like nah why live with a violent douche? And my dad was going to pay a deposit to get us a house and took a big interest when I got engaged. He just wanted me to be happy after feeling bad about the break down of our family and knowing I got left to have all the grief and despair taken out on me. So I was working one day, ex fiance was at home because he was unemployed of course and I had to pick up blueprints for our new house for the builders. He can drive and has a car but I still had to take my lunch break to do an errand he could have, all he needed to do was mark where he wanted the electrical outlets in our new build and I let him to decide because his main passion in life is tv, computers and gaming. Homeboy getting a free house with only me going to be the one working towards the mortgage and he couldn't even do a task that was intended to be a treat for him (he was getting to design a studio for himself, he pretends he's a painter took him 2 years to finish a painting my dad commissioned from him to help his website and portfolio.) So I come home on the lunch break. Nothing is done. I'm just flabbergasted and go "So what kept you too busy to do this?" (Also this wasn't a night before assignment he has a week or so). He put hands on me and dragged me around the kitchen. I had to return to work bruised and cut and they let me go early. No one ever asked me about the incident or details just that I had been hurt. So i left to go back home where he was. We had pets so I sorted them all, then took the dog for a walk. I wasn't back to work for a few days and didn't know how to approach anything. The next day he caught me looking at stuff for a course I was deciding to do and he asked me about and I got animated and excited talking about a new passion and he dismissed it. He wasn't violent or aggressive he was just down right cold towards something I cared about for myself and then it finally clocked this cunt hates me lol. I just got up and went and got a suitcase and started packing it. He begged me not too. I moved back home and he thought we could be friends for some fucking reason. I just let him think that and replied sparingly to his texts until I could get my pets back. Last time we saw each other was a supermarket and we both looked and meet each other in the eyes and he beamed this gay charming smile and started walking over and I just shook my head and ducked behind a partition that was see through then walked off. Never turned back to see his reaction.

Second abusive boyfriend did more violent stuff, and you would have thought after the first one I would have been more equipped to deal, but the passion I was talking about pursuing with the first came to fruition and I ended up on an honours degree and then got my masters. I had my own place by this time and while it would have made more sense to be absolutely rid of boyfriend number 2, but I kept him at a distance. We did have good times and again I tried to rationalise and make excuses I think that's how I'm conditioned because I ended up forgiving my mum through therapy for abuse. Again I left the second bf not immediately after a fight but during a conversation where I as an individual felt invalidated in my own goals and thought of as lesser or not able to achieve things or do anything independently. Second boyfriend had a stick up his arse about my father financially helping me since I never got the house the first time as I didn't want to be tied to a town my ex choose and I didn't particularly care for. I just remember walking out of boyfriend 2 house to his complete shock during a non intense conversation, I didn't look back to see his daft face either. Both men have tried to contact again and I haven't gave them the privilege. All they care about is making an impact on you, if you show otherwise or that you've grown positively since them that's revenge in my eyes. They should die alone, confused and miserable.

The last time a man (bf2) was abusive towards me was in 2018. I took years to myself as something still hadn't twigged evidently and i had a lot of self work to do. I also started working in my new field and gaining confidence. 2021 I met my current boyfriend. He's older by nearly 7 years. Mature. Has his own place. Managed to not have any children or a failed marriage. Keeps fit and healthy. Has a healthy family dynamic. Very good job. Handsome. Tall. He's never raised his voice at me. When I first met him we were talking about our past and I did mention I was engaged but I hadn't spoke to the guy in nearly 10 years and he was the last guy I lived with. My bf just said then and there then it's time you found someone to love you with respect and he's done that every day since we've met. He cleared out a room for me in his house and made me my own walk in closet. He calls me and his little cat his two loves. He takes me and my mum out on little dates together and drives her car so me and her can have drinks and he flirts just the right amount with her and offers his arm to her when we're walking about lol. He's great with my brother and my dad. When I'm busy at work and cant stay over he makes up a little care package for me with cooked meals and treats. I'm still kind of skeptical a man can be so pleasant but I really hope 2018 will be the last time a man physically harms me.

Also sorry guess I did go on about stuff lol. Essentially I want to say although we've all been victims of abuse that doesn't make us weak. Not at all. I would wager not giving up on someone you love is a sign of strength, its their weakness that made them hate someone that wanted them to be more than their flaws. They couldn't cope that you saw them for more than what they viewed themselves. I try to remember in my heart that I love strongly and I tried my absolute best and everything I could to try and make something work and it fell flat. So I choose to believe in love and it will be met if you have pure intentions. I hope I never come to lolcow to vent about my current bf or confess to some horrible fight. I simply believe I've finally done the work on my self esteem to never be in a situation where someone close to me will physically hurt me.

No. 383030

File: 1709572261617.jpg (7.38 KB, 230x219, 1000002024.jpg)

Nonas, how do you stop yourself from getting tangled up with your emotionally abusive ex again? I just initiated a break up 3 days ago and he is doing a lot of love bombing like pleading with me and buying me treats and making promises to change. I am trying my hardest to stay firm but it's so hard. We still live together in separate bedrooms until I move out next week and he's trying so hard to get me to stay. I feel foolish because the rational side of me knows he's going to go right back to verbally abusing me in a month maximum, but the emotional side of me is so easily swayed.

No. 383052

Can you stay somewhere else until you move out? Even someone’s couch or hell even the floor. Block all his numbers. And have someone with you when you collect your things.

Seriously.. don’t take him back.

No. 383060

Ask yourself: where were all these nice things, all these rosy platitudes he's now pulling out of his ass, when he was mistreating you? If he wanted to change, if he wanted the relationship to serve more than just himself, why is it now, in the face of your inevitable exit from his life, that he suddenly sees the light? Does he only comprehend the error of his ways when there are tangible consequences to his actions? If he truly meant to treasure you, to treat you as well as you deserve, it wouldn't take the threat of you leaving to properly motivate him.
Be strong, keep focused, and when you leave don't look back.
And I second the couch surfing suggestion. If you can get out early, do it and don't do it alone. Be safe.

No. 399196

My partner breaks my things. Not “on purpose” per se but things just end up broken. Carelessness? I feel like I can’t have a single thing in this house. Nothing I truly own because it’s just going to get taken away/ broken. No privacy. My journals get read, my phone gets gone through. Even trying to formulate a plan to leave feels so dangerous because I don’t even feel like I can have a private thought. I hate living this way and I hate that this isn’t even the first time.

No. 399200

How did you get away the last time?

No. 399204

he's breaking your things and depriving you of privacy because he believes that he owns you completely and gets to determine what you're allowed to have. given enough time he will likely escalate to the point of physically abusing you. is there anyone you know who can help you get away? if you don't have any kind of support network there may be women's shelters in your area who can provide you with resources.

No. 399205

How do you go on to find new relationships after being in an abusive one? How to see the red flag early enoughs?

I had a bf who would yell at me, call me names and make fun of me, threaten to kill me, sexually abuse me, total batshit insane asshole. It was traumatic but at least people like him are easy to recognize. I thought that since I am now more mentally well and confident I would be able to avoid that happening again. But lately I dated this woman who is a medical student. She seemed very sweet, never yelled or called me names etc. But she would ghost me for weeks, try to diagnose me constantly (for example saying I probably have autism) and try to get me to take medication. Like when I was angry at her for the ghosting she would offer me Valium to calm down. The worst part I told her I used to abuse opioids and almost became a full junkie. She would offer me those if I ever mentioned even the slightest pain. Even "accidentally" left Tramadol in my apartment, I literally sat there staring at it sweating and salivating but thank could control myself. Now I have cut all contact to her but future seems worrying to me, will I only fall for another abusive relationship.

No. 399396

File: 1716169391751.jpeg (13.64 KB, 225x225, IMG_5893.jpeg)

Unfortunately it was another relationship, 8 years ago, so I feel shame about this happening again. That time he had a work trial away from home, I moved all his stuff out and dropped it at his mom’s house while he was at work, text message broke up and then got my burliest friend to stay for a while. That was more straight forward because it was my name on the lease.

This time he owns the house. I could stay with friends while I look for a new place but don’t want to involve them in my drama until I’m sure of myself sticking to leaving just yet. I have the money saved for a new bond but I’m not sure I want to stay in this city. Unfortunately my job of 3 years has turned to shit recently too so I’m considering bouncing from work and the relationship at the same time and leaving town. It’s a big call leaving the job too so I guess that’s why I feel a bit helpless at the minute. If he breaks one more of my things I stg I’m going to lose it. Thanks for the support nonnies, I know I am fortunate that I can escape, I just need my mind to be strong enough to go for good this time.

No. 399412

Lol, relatable and not surprising at all. Narcs are like that nona. They dont have souls or core personalities, so they just absorb the most surface level campy edgelord shit ever, like theyre doing a read through of a silly rejected script for AHS or something. Think Onision tier. It comes across so fake and cringey.

No. 399470

don't be ashamed nonna. unfortunately abusers are so insidious, manipulative, and adept at hiding their true nature that it can be difficult to spot them even when you've had prior experience. leaving town and starting over somewhere else sounds like it'd probably be your best option since your job has gone to shit anyway.

No. 399869

You have to take the leap and go. He's only going to get worse the longer you stay with him, and your job won't resolve itself either. It's honestly for the best if you leave your job too as that's one less way he can find you.

No. 399873

File: 1716369508848.png (46.38 KB, 781x308, 3f276d49992c8b194e6eaf9568e285…)

He raped me and strangled me to the point of fainting. He somehow hurt my hipbones, but I can't remember how, since I lost so much oxygen. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my ears ring. He offered to take me to the hospital, but I said no because I was too scared of police or anything similar getting involved. We broke up this morning after he nursed me enough to be able to swallow food properly. I'm home, in my own bed, having nightmares, freezing and sweating. I just want this to end. Why did he do that? Why would he do that? I asked him those questions, he said point blank he doesn't see me as human while we have sex and that he realized that he can just ignore it if I say no, since there were never consequences. What an obscene thing to say, it sounds so cartoonishly and unapologetically vile. I can't help but cry. Why did he do that? He said he was going to kill me, that he wanted me to be his house pet unable to say "no". I told him my throat hurt, that I hurt, and he just masturbated in my face and left me alone. I don't understand. We were okay. I want to understand why he hates me so much. I miss my best friend so fucking much, and none can give me that back. Such a behavioral change, like night and day. He started raping me this weekend, he had never done it before, he never lay a hand on me, there were no redflags I don't think. I feel so stupid, like shit stuck on his shoe, maybe even lower than that. I'm just so scared and sad and I just woke up from a nightmare. I think about his texts: "I'm sorry" "I cried all day" "I'm horrible, I will kill myself" "Do you think we can still be friends?" "I wish I was in jail" "You don't deserve me"
It all feels empty and feverish and dream-like. I want to understand why he hates me so much, how did that happen? I believed him when he said he loved me, now I can't even look at myself. I'm so sorry and I don't even know why, who should I apologize to? I can't stop saying that fucking word. I feel so sluggish, but I haven't set foot on the hospital yet, and I don't even feel like I deserve it. I have no self-esteem left for now, I feel like a corpse. I hope this rant isn't too edgy or corny or nonsensical. Stay well and alive nonnas, lots of love, please be well.

No. 399889

Jesus Christ nonna please tell me you will never talk to him or see him again. This was the most horrifying post I have read in awhile, you need to be safe and keep yourself safe and far from this monster. I experienced this kind of thing in my past abusive relationship, but never to the extreme degree of violence it sounds like you did he SHOULD kill himself. He IS worthless. If you went to the police it would be taken seriously due to your injuries, but I understand that is too great a task sometimes to take on along with the aftermath of being raped and then also the emotional rape of realizing the person you fell for was not real. An illusion. An anglerfish lure. He is so dangerous and I know you are feeling scattered but numb but in great pain and it is all so overwhelming, but please nonna promise me you won’t accept any apologies from him or let him see you in person. Please rest yourself and stay safe

No. 399891

Stay far away from him, when he said he wanted to kill you that was real; what’s he’s saying now is just lies to get near you again to kill you. Call someone for help immediately. This isn’t shameful, a serious violent crime was just committed against you, you need help.

No. 399899

If he is planning to show up you should call the police (in the first anon who replied and I should have stressed this more) because he is a threat to your safety. You can tell them you have proof that he attempted to kill you (he did) and that he raped you (he did) don’t delete any of his texts either save them for evidence you might need. Do not under any circumstances let him in if he shows up. Bolt your door and call 911 if you see him. Stay safe nonna I can’t say that enough god I’m so angry for you I would kill him myself if I could

No. 399900

Barricade the door and call the police. Do NOT meet his friend, do NOT meet him. This is an imminent threat to your life. Call the police!!

No. 399902

Call your mom!! Tell her what happened!! Tell her he’s coming to your house!! Nona you are going to be killed by this man you need help. His friend is not going to help you

No. 399905

I'd never meet his friend. asked my dad to do it (he doesn't know what happened and thinks it's just normal breakup stuff.)
I'm not American, it's near impossible to get a weapon here (in case someone was thinking he might use one against me.)
I know the police would take me seriously and my family is sort of tied to it, I just don't want to talk about it yet. Were he to show up, I'd call the police. I vaguely said that he was unstable to my family.

No. 399907

I know it’s hard but you can do it. You are strong enough. I’m sorry it’s not over yet but you’re very much still in danger. You showed his friend pictures, his friend is gonna tell him about the pictures, it’s gonna hit him that he could go to jail, he’s gonna freak out and try desperately to silence you up to and including killing you. Tell your mother so she can handle the details and help you, you need legal protection asap.

No. 404553

I can't get over the fact that he told on himself so many times before or at the beginning of the relationship and I just decided to ignore it. I was very young, sure, but I noticed what he said, I remember being upset about it, I didn't even try to justify it in my mind. I didn't actively react or talked about it with him though. It was kind of like dissociation, which I think I got used to due to being surrounded by toxic people: I resigned myself to the fact that people are like that. Later I somehow forgot, but I would remember randomly. He would never bring it up again and he wasn't as open about his dark side later, probably because I started to react more and show my negative feelings more freely, and he picked up on this change and tried to create this image that wasn't just nice, noble even.
For example, I remember him saying many many years ago that sometimes he wants to say things only to upset people. And he didn't acknowledge how bad it was, it wasn't him just being self-aware, it was more like making a confession and expecting acceptance maybe? I also remember him envying and hating on a girl from one forum because she often talked about how great everything was in her life. And he confessed he was gloating when something bad happened not even to her, but to someone close to her. There were more things I "forgot" which were worse than these but I don't want to get too specific. It was so stupid to expect that I would be seen and treated differently. Like when people confess to such things it somehow, for some reason, doesn't include you. Well, it fucking does. Sooner or later. I got off lightly though, his wife is having it way worse but they probably deserve each other.

No. 405771

I want to write a super long post explaining my past relationship in great detail as a way to exorcise all my guilt and regret. It's been 1.5 years since I left and some memories still haunt me to this day.

No. 406096

I broke up with my bf who was very psychologically, sexually and verbally abusive to me. His mission in life was to make me feel ugly, worthless and shit about myself, and he succeeded pretty well. I’ve developed a shit ton of PTSD symptoms and panic attacks.

Recently I met a new guy who started at my work. He’s really kind, lovely, and has done many nice things for me. He never asks or expects anything back. He’s also pretty cute. He’s asked me to spend time with him one on one someday soon.

But due to my ex, I have become totally terrified of men, sex and dating in general. Everytime this guy is nice to me I think ‘he’s lovebombing me, he’s going to be just like my ex, he’s pretending, he will hurt you’ etc.

After I broke up with my ex, one of the more fucked up things he said to me (among many) was bragging that he’d ruined me and that I’d never be able to have a normal relationship or life after him because he had mindbroken me so badly. What hurts is that he’s winning. I’m so terrified of men now and beginning to bat off actually nice wholesome decent men because I’m so scared of them now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a normal relationship ever now? I feel like damaged goods. I have been going to therapy for 6 months or so, but I have such low self worth that everytime my therapist reassured me that it wasn’t my fault, I felt like she was just giving me asspats and telling me what I want to hear. When people are nice to me, I just discard what they’re saying because I don’t believe I deserve them to be nice. I’m so fucked.

No. 406134

first of all, "letting him win" shouldn't be a consideration one way or the other. He's out of your life forever and he's irrelevant to you from now until the end of eternity
If dating is something you want to do and that you feel you are mentally/emotionally up for, you shouldn't be afraid to try. The key is going to be being upfront with the guys you date about what you went through and where you are coming from. If he understands, he'll be willing to work through the relationship issues with you as a team. It may even bring you closer to each other in the long run.

No. 407026

File: 1718685146582.jpeg (1.81 MB, 1125x1680, 52D279DD-C703-4963-824E-9E31C4…)

Love is a trigger for me. My ex’s abusive behavior is irrevocably intertwined with the memory of my dad’s unexpected passing. In that moment not only did I realize how much my dad’s love meant to me now that it was gone, but how little I received from someone who was suppose to be a pillar of support.

The things he yelled at me less than a week and a half after my dad passed are etched in my memory. It brings me to tears not for what he said, but for how I let him treat me. I deserved so much better. Instead I sat there and let him tell me how I was the source of all of his problems and how I was a failure. He took so much from me, but most of all I will never forgive him for taking that time away from me too.

Is there anything I can do? I don’t want to cry every time I see a tender expression of love, or when people show me kindness. I want to stop reliving that moment, I want to move on.

No. 407079

Would it put you in physical danger to confront him and tell him off for what he said to you? Maybe just over the phone.

No. 407083

Every time I read posts like yours I hurt because it’s like reading my own experiences again and again. Being afraid of men and untrusting of “love” is so normal for what you went through, and therapy will help if you can get to a point where you can internalize the lessons. You did nothing wrong. Being naive is not a crime, not an indictment on you. People like your ex prey on people who are trusting. You are good enough and if you want to have a relationship one day, I know you can. You don’t HAVE to until you’re ready, though, and I would recommend waiting until you feel it. When I jumped into dating too soon, it went badly and I ended up ghosting like 4 different people who I actually spent real time with kek. The right person will have patience with you and respect every boundary, every true trigger. Love is not supposed to hurt or make you cry tears of sadness and pain.

No. 407165

File: 1718737340289.gif (459.44 KB, 250x150, 1619741829517.gif)

I have constant intrussive thoughts about my exboyfriend when I masturbate. He used to coerce me to have sex all the time. At the beginning of the relationship I gave in to his demands and tried to normalise it, but eventually I dreaded it so much that I simply disassociated. He was one of those men that had so much facial hair that even if he had recently shaved he would scratch my skin with his. My intrussive thoughts involve intense tactile sensations in certain areas that kill my mood completely and make me feel disgusting and vulnerable, as if he never left and was actually in my room touching me again. I can sense the physical imprint he left on my body like some sort of aggressive sensorial memory. It feels like I will never forget that sensation. I had to deal with vaginismus even after more than a year since I broke up with with him. I'm not even fantasizing about men nowdays. I like women and that's what I think about when I'm horny, but even when I'm immersed into a nice fantasy with an imaginary girlfriend where I'm in a clean and safe made-up place I still get those intrussive thoughts, I shut in and it takes some minutes to get in the mood again. My libido is just a shadow of what it was before meeting him.

No. 407209

I relate to you so much, anon. I could have written this post. I wish I had better advice but for me, it really has just been time that's made me a little bit better. I know it's hard, though. My grief over my father is so tied to my ex's abuse in my mind that it's hard to process either without being overwhelmed by both. I've just been very slowly working on the grieving process. I'm grieving my dad, my relationship, and who I was before the relationship. It's a lot but it's all that's helped, just going very slowly. I also had an opportunity to tell my ex off like other anon suggested and it didn't help me, personally

No. 407277

I’m so sorry

No. 407979

File: 1718987873036.png (1.23 MB, 826x825, again.png)


Nona, thank you for the kind response it made me cry. I technically received an apology from my ex, but it didn't really help. I know in time I will heal but I just wish I could find peace soon. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold, I want to begin living again.

No. 408104

I need to vent because I can’t stop laughing in sheer disbelief from the absurdity.

Little back story:
When my ex and I had a bit of a rough patch we were talking about possibly taking a break but we never actually did break up. I explicitly asked him not to go on a specific trip with his friends, because 'his friends' included his ex who just a few weeks beforehand told him she still had feelings for him and that made me uncomfortable, considering that him and I weren’t in the safest place. And he did agree.
From there things started to get a little better, I felt a bit more comfortable with trusting him and saw how sad it made him to see all his friends plan this super fun trip together. It was all they were talking about. So I said he could go.
The first night on the trip we were talking on the phone and he told me how glad he was that things between us were feeling a bit more like they used to. Aaaand then he went on and cheated on me on the very same night.
I stupidly took him back after that and we actually did recover from it in a way. So when things were a bit more stable between us, we one day came to talk about it and his entire explanation/excuse for it was 'well, it didn’t really feel like we were in a relationship and we were talking about taking a break, which was confusing because I didn’t know if we were still together, so I don’t consider what I did cheating'.
I emphasized that we never ended our relationship and that what he did is the very definition of cheating, but he was so convinced that we weren’t really together anymore, so I dropped it eventually.

Skip forward to 2 years later.
We were still dating (unfortunately) and in a decent place.
One night at work, a co-worker told me he had feelings for me and kissed me out of the blue. I immediately pushed him back and told my supervisor about the whole situation, asking to no longer have any shifts with him.
Because I was so all over the place, I went to my bf’s place right when my shift ended. I couldn’t stay overnight but I just needed to see him and talk about it, to sort things out and find enough peace so I could sleep. But when I was finished, he turned the whole thing against me, how he was feeling really lonely, wanted me to stay the night (which was too stressful when I had work the next day, so I never did) and how I was selfish to just come over to unload and then leave. (I called him before coming over, briefly explained what happened and asked if it was okay for me to come over just to see him for a bit, and said he was okay with it.)
So we ended up having this huge fight, but decided to try talking about it the next day because we both were obviously too emotional to resolve it.
Come next day, we talked it out, made up and ended up having sex. But when I signaled that he went too far, he ignored it and kept going. He didn’t physically hurt me, but did ignore my boundaries which was mentally scarring.
I confronted him right after and asked him if he had not noticed/heard me signaling him to stop but he literally said 'No, no, I did notice. I just was still pretty upset and thought after you took what you wanted the night before and ignored how I felt I would also take what I wanted and ignore how you feel'.
I didn’t realize that this is basically rape and dropped it again.

Luckily we (harmonically) broke up soon after that and I eventually met a wonderful guy who treated me right and helped me big time realizing how bad things actually were and also to work through the trauma my ex had caused.

Now, skip forward to now.
A few days ago I ran into him and we decided to get coffee. Not to rekindle anything but just because we hadn’t talked in a while. (As I said, the breakup was harmonically and we did stay friends for a while after.)

I confronted him with the fact that he did basically rape me there and in all seriousness he said 'I don’t consider what I did to be rape so I really don’t identify with you calling it that and to be honest, it’s making me a bit uncomfortable'. He then went on trying to gaslight me, telling me that I’m probably exaggerating things, that it wasn’t that bad and that it’s just what we did back then (referring to us having sex that was on the rougher side).

I ended the whole thing with kindly telling him that I think it’s best if we keep going seperate ways and there’s that.

I still can’t get over the fact that in both cases his entire defense was 'yeah I don’t really identify with what you’re telling me’.

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