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Change his name to something like "z speak to best friend before contacting"
The z is to keep him at the bottom of your contact list
I'm sorry you're going through this anon. I'd suggest making his number even harder for you to get to: delete it from your phone, write down on a piece of paper and mail it to yourself. If you're having to fly back to "home" and only need to contact him then, international postage should match your speed of return.
No contact is the way forward though. Don't embarrass yourself by begging for someone to mean it when they say they love you. Stay strong.
He said that he doesn't see a future with me because he wants to stay in LA and have kids in the future. I don't want to live there or have kids right now but we're 21. I want to go to law school on the east coast, make my money, and enjoy my life. Kids aren't ideal right now.
I'd also be the breadwinner in our relationship and he was always fine with moving with me, supporting me, But he confessed to his dream of his wife popping out babies in one of the most expensive places in the US, while he's in student loan debt with an English degree is more important. I said I might consider adoption but he wants his own kids.
Fuck, I thought I had one of the good ones but his insistence on spreading his seed with no regard for health issues bc of pregnancy like a trash guy would just tells me all that I need to know. I sincerely hope that no girl ever falls for him and gives him his "dream." Men don't deserve us.
He says he loves me but he "doesn't want me." I feel so pathetic tbh. The one thing I appreciated is that he was fine with watching k-dramas with me, and he was supportive of my radfem views. I'm very unlikely to ever meet any other guy who will also engage in these things, and I feel like being single is just going to make me have a bunch of guys go back to trying to be "my friend" to get in my pants.
I miss the safety of having a boyfriend. I'm so retarded, sorry for the vent. Thank you for all of the support.
I feel for you, I really do. It's not fair to have been born a woman in this world.
I might suggest avoiding k-drama for a little bit, at least until it doesn't remind you of him any more. Remember that you have so much more to offer this world than just being a wet hole for some scrote who loses his mind if he doesn't have sex for 4 months. And carry on talking. Vent wherever you need to. I love you.
I also forgot to add that he broke up with me over FaceTime with the camera facing the wall, but didn't even say it himself. He kept saying negative shit about us and then I texted him later.
We were supposed to be together in 2 weeks, in person, and he couldn't have waited? Like this was a 2+ year relationship and he keeps ignoring me and when he does answer, he changes his explanations. Like one minute, it's him that's the issue, and a day later, it's me who was the problem.
I wasted over 2 years to a guy who couldn't even break up with me himself, and couldn't even face me to say anything.
Are there ANY good men out there? Fml
Self-control machine broke and I started talking to my ex who I broke up with two months ago and posted about a few times on the relationships thread (ex. >>118550
). It has of course proved to be a bad idea. In our conversations he has basically said I'm a quitter since I broke up with him, I let him down, he hates me and that he doesn't want me as a friend cuz he doesn't need any. Even when we started talking about topics not relating to our relationship he gone as far as to say things like I have no brain, bad judgement, I'm annoying, etc.
I'm feeling dumb and kind of masochistic for talking to him again the last few days. Please do not be like me girlies. Now I'm going to try to commit to moving on and see someone new
I still have negative dreams about my ex all the time. It's been over a year since the spilt.
He broke up with me one day and went on holiday with his new gf the next day (somehow insisted that he wasn't cheating) he then continued to sleep with me for a few weeks behind her back. He's total shit so it's not like I want him back but I don't want to keep dreaming about how shit he is either
Don't subject yourself to all the insults, we tend to hold onto those insults and mentally repeat them to ourselves for years afterwards, I'm sure he knows that too
Maybe take some time to build your self esteem before getting into your next relationship?
Good luck anon, I hope it went/goes well! Don't let men try to tell you that it's stuck up to have standards; you two are clearly in very different places in life and if you want completey different things, that isn't going to work out. Sounds like your issue has more to do with his outlook and behaviour than his 'class' anyway.
Enjoy your lunch, anon, and celebrate being rid of your deadbeat boyfriend. <3
It's been about 8 months since my girlfriend broke up with me. I think I've mostly moved on, but there are moments where I slip and fall back into feeling so sad about it.
We broke up because she didn't want a relationship, it was a lot to commit to and she knew it would only end up with me being dragged around because she's already so busy with work and working through a lot of her own problems. It feels bad but I accepted it- after all, what could I have really done? She's not really the affectionate type overall anyway, and even though she says I wasn't that suffocating to her, I think I was. I liked to hold her hand, I liked to sitting up next to her. I slept over one time and one time only (it was just a few days before we broke up) and all I wanted to do was hold her. I still remember the feeling of burrowing under her blankets because the slightly open window was blowing cold air into my face (she likes it, I don't, we didn't close the window because her bedroom gets too hot otherwise) and that was the only time that night when she rolled over and draped her arm around me- I still remember the weight of her arm on my waist.
I posted about her in the unhealthy obsessions thread on ot. I knew of her through mutual friends (in the same cosplay circle) for like 10 years, but mostly followed from a distance and never worked up the courage to actually talk to her until last year. We hit things off crazy well and talked basically everyday. Even on days when she was super busy with work, she would still slip in a message or two to let me know she was still around. Some days we just kept it to good morning/goodnight and she said she liked to do that because it meant the first and last thing she ends her day with is with me. I used to message her on formspring on anon, and I figured I had to tell her now that we were friends… I mean, it's weird and I found out a lot about her through it, and she thought it was cute that I was following her for so long.
She told me that when I smile my canines poke out and I look like a vampire and she thought it was the cutest thing. After being in a bunch of rocky relationships and chasing after men who just saw me as a human cumrag, being treated like an actual human being worthy of someone’s affection, it meant a lot to me. I’ve been self conscious about a lot of things my whole life and I’ve gotten over a lot of them and I do get compliments on my looks and whatever, but no one’s ever cared to even notice that small of a detail or cared to point it out to me that they thought it was cute.
I always download a bunch of dating apps, but once I match with someone I panic and I realize that this isn’t what I want. I feel like everyone falls short of her. She's a cis lesbian and dresses pretty androgynous and we share a lot of the same tastes in things. I’m scared to let go of her. I’m scared to let go of the wishes and hopes in my head that one day in the future we’ll meet again and settle into each other even though I know those wishes and hopes are useless and honestly terrible for me to hold onto. I think of her constantly everyday. I imagine what it would be like in the present moment if we were still dating, what a future with her might look like. I never really wanted to marry (outside of tax reasons) or take on my partner's last name because it felt like a stupid thing to do. When you're in love, what's the point in all of that as long as you have each other? But I don't know, it sort of hit me that like, yeah it might be a dumb arbitrary thing (outside of tax reasons lol) but I want it. I wanted to be able to call her my wife one day. I wanted to take on her last name.
I know I should stop thinking about her, but it's hard to stop. It's changed from "daydreaming about the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on but am too chickenshit to talk to" for the past 10 years to "daydreaming about my ex-girlfriend who I most definitely should get over." Some days I get upset because it feels like I'm the only one upset about all of this. She's moved on just fine and I'm still trying to sort out everything. If she does end up dating someone in the future, it'll absolutely break me if I don't get over her eventually. I constantly wonder if I did anything different, would the result be different? I feel wronged in some ways that she didn't want to put in the effort to have a relationship when I was willing to do so much, even though I know it's wrong to feel that way and she cut it short precisely because she knew she didn't want to. I'm doing a lot better about my self worth this breakup compared to past ones, now I'm just sad that I lost someone because we don't even talk anymore. I wish we had just stayed friends but we were way too into each other and it was because we got into a relationship that she realized she didn't want relationships and all that came with them. Feels like one of those charts where no matter what path I take, I can only get the bad end. Except maybe if I never talked to her to begin with, but that's also a bad end because I would've just never been able to talk to her lol.
Sorry for the ramble. I do well most days outside of daydreaming about her, but my period just hit last week and it turned my brains into absolute mush and I fell down the hole of feeling like shit over her.
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So this is gonna be something crazy.
My ex bf of like 5 years dumped me for his coworker who was married, husband in prison, and had kids that she was in the middle of a custody battle over. He had been talking to her for months, texting around the clock, and even coming home late and insisting on running errands alone. I mean, he can do so much better than that, but he told me he chased her bc she was “fun to talk to” and a “cheap thrill.”
So I forgave him and I have been trying to get back together with him for almost a year (he dumped me on Christmas, of all freaking days) bc I’m stupid and I really loved the crap out of him. He literally told me that he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t ever see us getting back together. He was happy to be a fwb and basically do everything but commit to me.
Well he told me to go date his best friend bc he didn’t feel the same way about me and just wanted to move on and live his own life. So after hurting for a while watching my ex move on without me and lying to my face about girls while I was still in love with him (still lived with him due to financial issues), so I decided “why the fuck not?”
He gave us his blessing and I moved on. I’ve known his best friend since high school. I’m honestly super happy with this guy and I never thought I’d feel happy ever again after I got dumped but here I am. He is absolutely perfect for me in every way.
Now, here’s the shitty part. Ex, who had agreed to remain amicable and friendly, disowned me because he wants me back and knows he can’t have me. His friends stopped talking to me. One of my closest girlfriends who hung out in the same group of friends also left me and called me dirty and some other things for dating his best friend, and his parents blocked me on FB.
He fucking cheated on me, which is apparently acceptable, but me moving on with his best friend after he literally told me to go date him is the most damning thing?
Like, wtf??? I know I could never make my ex happy and I was willing to watch him move on if that is what makes him happy, but he’s totally okay with taking a whole ass group of friends away—people we both went to school with— and leaving his ex best friend and his ex in the dark because he isn’t strong enough to watch us be happy first?
If he still wanted me, he should have said something.
I literally gave him last dibs one night and said that it was his last call to tell me how he felt about me and our future together. He told me “I don’t know” and honestly, I took that as a no. I told him I loved him one last time and he ignored me and told me to go to bed. Apparently I was supposed to give him time to decide.
I’m very happy in my new relationship and I have no idea what I was doing without that person now that I know the kind of partner he can be, but it still hurts to know that while I found my happiness, everyone else wants me to kick rocks. :/
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Honestly anon, He seems like the type that just wanted to ruin your self-esteem didn't show you an ounce of respect and seems pretty much abusive
and manipulative in the aspects on wanting to be FWB.
In an outside perspective, if you were to go back into a relationship with this person, he probably would've hurt you more and you're pretty lucky now that you have someone who treats you better.
I've also been on the receiving end of an Ex spreading lies to his friends about yourself and honestly fuck them they made their choice of listening to a shitty person and you can't make everyone happy, you just need to be happy and as long as you're a good person and don't hurt people you're much better than your shit-head Ex.
Anon he doesn't want you
, he wants your emotional energy and sexual attention back. It's purely selfish. That's why he made sure to talk shit about you to anyone who would listen while quietly trying to bag you on the side. It's a way for him to save face and have the…higher ground…in other peoples' eyes.
He's a narcissist and you need to cut him off completely. Also while it's sad about what happened with your mutual friends, consider them to not have been such great friends if they took his word about you without talking to you about anything.
You don't need to chase after these people, you can be happy without all of them.
How do you propose I go about doing that, anon? I’m not sure what you mean by “telling the truth.”
If it’s a misunderstanding that could be “set straight,” why would they hate my guts?
Elaborate, please. Everyone else is saying to leave them in the dust, but you’re suggesting a tea spill. What’s your reasoning?
Whatever it is that anon meant, I don't believe confronting these people about the issue would do you any favors even if you technically have "nothing to lose." Seems like they view you as in the wrong for dating his best friend despite your ex's infidelity. I doubt there's any kind of truth or saying in your defense that would change their minds to allow you back into that friend group. And even if it did, it would be awkward and you'd probably be walking on eggshells.
I really do think you're better off taking the highroad and moving on.
Sorry replying late. But if its like you said then he probably lied to get them unanimously on his side, they didnt drop him for cheating but they drop you for seeing his friend when you guys weren't even together? Seems too fishy, like hes left some details out to come out as the victim
. so why not write out in full whats really going on? that he GAVE YOU HIS BLESSING, lead you on, etc. They probably don't even know he offered up his friend first, and if they're really your friends they'd be willing to hear your side of the story too.
Of course if they blocked you i don't know how you'd get the info out, but pretty much put up a lengthy post on instagram/fb defending yourself, or try to talk to friends that might be sympathetic to you and explain how shitty he is. Hopefully they vouch for you within the group, at the very least you tried to get your side out.
Of course you could just ignore this completely, i just don't like the idea of him getting the last word when he's the one that wronged you. But you're completely justified in cutting them off for even siding with him in the first place. I'm just saying they probably got an altered version of events from him that's painting you as some evil harpy when that's not what happened, you speaking up might change some minds.
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How to fall asleep alone? I have insomnia…I triple check my door locks every time I hear a tiny noise. Everything wakes me up now that he's not here to comfort me. He used to comfort me when I had nightmares and cuddle and reassure me. Should I get a cat?
For ages I thought I was the prize in the relationship but now I realise that's because he made me feel that way. I know better now.
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Not a bf but how do I get over ending it with my best friend of 7-8 years? It’s another LDR where she’d ditch me for months and we’d get back together like nothing happened. I finally decided enough was enough and left her a message (which she still hasn’t read/responded to) about 2 months ago and now I’m trying resist reaching out to her like I tried to before.
I’m hurting less than I thought I would but I miss our interactions. She’s the only person who knew all of me. I think about the fact I can’t make our in-jokes anymore, I can’t crack them to other people because it won’t make sense. I’ll go about my day and sometimes I’ll see something I’d love to laugh at with her later or endlessly talk about into the night but then I have to tell myself I can’t do that anymore. We were perfect, when we were together. It’s just every time we weren’t.
I think I should find someone else out there, maybe even start dating properly but that’s its own set of hurdles and it won’t be the same as her. I can’t gossip about what’s basically the contents of /g/ to a guy, it’s a totally different dynamic. And I’m not going to ‘settle’ for a girl and possibly break her heart because I’m not gay enough for it to be more than a fling.
more whining: I’m incredibly low maintenance, I never demand anything of my friends, I’m seriously not a clingy type nor am I easily jealous but the one person I thought I could rely on to fulfil my modest social needs? Abandons me. Over and over again. And I don’t know what I was trying to prove, or to who, by enduring it. It’s been so long I think more than half of those 7 years were spent on me waiting for her. Who am I kidding, I’m the only one keeping count for something that doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t even be angry at her, there’s no one there to be angry at, and I couldn’t hurt her even if I wanted to.
I feel this, anon. You owe it to yourself to let that friendship end. Someone who cares about you and respects you isn't going to ditch you and crawl back into your life like nothing happened. You're going to meet new people and make new friends, and you'll have a different connection with them than you did this person. It sucks to lose someone who you feel really got you, but nostalgia is going to keep you in places you don't belong with people who do the bare minimum.
Don't hang onto people because you worry that you'll never have a connection as special like that ever again. You probably will, and it might even be better.
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>mfw havent slept for 2 days
It sounds retarded I know but I broke up with my bf of 2 years a few months ago and so far my life has been pretty normal until this past week. I cant sleep bc no matter what I always have dreams of me and him hanging out/having sex/having a good time like we always used to and every single time I wake up I'm having a panic attack like I used to before we got together. And ever since those recurring dreams I've noticed small weird things in my life that I would normally chat with him about when I get the chance.
Example: my coworker was wearing an absolutely hideous jacket one day and I pulled out my fucking phone to text him and when I realized I had to hide in the bathroom to cry. Idk what my brain is trying to tell me but fuck this shit. Genuinely fuck feelings. How do I stop my brain from trying to guilt trip me and robbing me of my sleep? Or should I accept the insomnia demon and start snorting coke again?
If it's like this just this week then try to wait it out. Maybe you're going through more stress than usual? Or it's hormones? Try to keep your mind busy. Do you have a close friend? If yes, then confide in them and when you're feeling the urge to text your ex, text that friend instead. This way you will cheat your brain, you will get some relief without doing an oopsie.
If it lasts, try a rebound. Put yourself out there. Just having someone to text/flirt with and give you some attention may make it disappear. Sometimes we mistake missing a person with missing the attention, warmth, intimacy etc. And sometimes we just need those, so provide them for yourself if you can (and want). Good luck. Don't do coke.
You are being used
I know you're in a vulnerable spot right now but he is taking advantage of your loneliness and this'll ultimately end in more pain for you
>>123306>He tells me that what he is doing is good for me because I have someone to socialize with.
Yet he won't interact with you on any social media platforms or be seen in public with you. It's because he doesn't want anyone to know he's seeing you, anon. You're a secret and he's taking advantage of how lonely you are. Stringing you along with lofty statements like how he doesn't feel like dating now
, as if there's a chance he may change his mind later
. I assure you he has no intentions of taking you seriously ever again. Someone who cares wouldn't treat you like this or give themselves such asspats just for chatting with you on tumblr.
Now, I completely understand what it's like to be touch-starved and needing any kind of interaction including sexual. Yet unless you can completely separate your romantic feelings from this arrangement, and accept that you're using each other to meet a need, it will only make you feel worse.
Wouldn't you prefer to be pursuing someone else who you'd at least stand a chance at being in a happy relationship with? If you've caught feelings, you're gonna be wasting your time on this guy who will never reciprocate them.
This sounds familiar, I think you posted in another thread and I was one of the people encouraging you to go your own way?
Does he seem like the kind of guy to be civil and help with your ticket as a final good gesture?
This is mostly a vent I guess. I've posted a few times in the relationship advice thread (honestly, too many times to really claim I have any selfrespect). Last night I finally broke: my ex told me he was the only person that cared about me after I told him he was not being very compassionate and to "come talk to [him] once [I] remember that". This was the final straw on the dead horse's back. I said to him hold the fuck up, I maybe would have agreed with you when we first got together, but I have plenty friends that I know care about and support me. As soon as I said I wasn't putting up with this relationship anymore he started backtracking, tried to pretend there wasn't any talk of me wanting to end it, kept calling me 'babe' and saying he loved and missed me.
I very nearly caved to it anons. He's pulled this a few times because he knows how much I hate bringing it back up again and I think he tries to distract me long enough to 'win me back' or whatever. I told him I meant it. That I wasn't happy. That I thought our recent holiday would change those feelings but I was on edge the whole time, I kept going to sleep every time he tried to initiate sex because I haven't been attracted to him for a while now and it was easier to pretend to be too exhausted than having to say no. He later encouraged me to talk time to think on it which I wouldn't have minded, but then said he was really unhappy too and it seemed really pointless continuing on.
He still wants to be friends. He still wants me in his life. Honestly I'm indifferent but I have things at his house I need to collect so I'd rather stay in contact for now. But the worst part is I'm not even crying over him or us, I'm crying about being single and lonely again? I don't really even mind talking to him because I don't need to worry about putting effort in anymore and I feel like I got over him months ago when I first started feeling like this and first tried to mention my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I feel like a bitch for saying it, but fuck.
Anyway, how do I become accustomed to single life again? I've spent so much of my time talking to him or with him. Without the relationship I really don't have that much to do. I'm clinically depressed so I don't really have many hobbies. How do I stop worrying about being alone? I kept crying at work today and I don't really know how to keep sneaking off to the bathroom without just looking like a slacker.
>>123559>my ex told me he was the only person that cared about me after I told him he was not being very compassionate and to "come talk to [him] once [I] remember that"
that's really not nice. not cool of him. obviously it is untrue and that is not nice of him.
sorry in advance because i cant recommend much because ive been anhedonic all of my life, but obviously hobbies are good. i can't recommend any personally but what does work for me when i'm feeling distraught and alone with my thoughts thanks to my ex, is routinely pampering myself and getting into a better routine with skincare, haircare, and creating a like, 30 step program by like, exfoliating my entire body, dousing my entire body in tea toner, moisturizing my entire body like 8 times by layering products (toner, humectant, then emollient, occlusive) giving myself acrylics, doing foot peels/taking care of my feet, and olaplexing my hair, giving myself root perms, dyeing my hair all of this stupid stuff gets my mind off of it for a bit and i feel genuinely better for a little while after and i do feel pampered. its a massive waste of time and very pointless but it's a healthy distraction and i get 'into it' more than other things, not sure why. i dont care about my appearance but i feel more 'put together' when i put my time into this. it's pathetic but it works for me.
"moving on too quickly"
??? it's been 8 months
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>got fucked over by a girl
>people warned me about her in the beginning, but none of them were close with her so I thought it was just her being "controversial"
>decide to keep her as a friend because I really like her company and she likes mine
>can't forget her even though she's VERY below my league under every point of view, as confirmed by everyone who knows both of us
>meanwhile she just keeps on flirting with everything that breathes
I really should love myself, huh… doesn't help that I'm living in Bumfuckville until this winter and dating apps fucking suck. I deserve much better, my brain gets it but my feelings don't.
You are more than likely attached to the only thing you consider safe even though it isn’t because it doesn’t allow you to grow in in a relationship.
Where do you see yourself?
Chasing this girl at 33?
Find someone else and if you get feelings again imagine her shitting trust me it works
Thanks. I don't think that's pathetic at all, if it brings you peace and makes you happy you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your coping mechanisms. There are much worse things to do to distract yourself than self-care.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a massive skincare routine but I should probably get back onto the basics, I've neglected myself a little too much lately due to stress. I really appreciate the support and advice.
He sounds incapable of maintaining a relationship without being an emotional drag on you and in turn bringing out the crazy in you too. Maybe he's quite genuinely depressed but the relationship you described isn't nigel-like or brag worthy, Sounds toxic
Depression, low self esteem and just withdrawing all communication.. he needs to be single if that's where his head is at
The reason why i thought he is nigel worthy is that he is good at masking his sadness and is putting up a happy charade and cheer me up if i am sad. Like i said he wants me to stay happy whilst sacrificing his sanity it seems.
Now it does came out looking not toxic
but unhealthy for both of us because he needs to defeat his demons first before being able to coexist without dragging other people down. Its such a shame because we are very compatible if he would be able to recover from this.
lol hello, just had my 1.5 year relationship end like 5 min ago. Or I've been alone for 5 minutes so this is very very raw.
Um, we live together in a foreign country and I'm very dependent on him. So I'm not sure where to go financially. He's kindly supporting me till I find a job to move, with a very rough deadline of 4 months, but I've been getting a lot of almost-there offers so it's OK. And I have the room to actually organise if worst case scenario I don't find employment here. I'd have better chances if I spoke the native language but all I can do is work on it.
He broke up with me. It's funny because we had a great morning. I broached a topic he's not comfortable with (but is healthy to discuss, sex related) and he just kind of shut down. I was like uh ok, left him to himself then he came out wanting to break up. He's wanted to break up before, but it felt more like him pulling outa trump card to win the argument. IDK I feel like he can really get in his head when things are negative but anyway.
I think it's not uncalled for. And I have to say (as you can see with letting me stay) he's very kind and caring. I've had anxiety and it's affected his life because I need to be reassured. I realised recently it only happens when in a relationship for me, and made the solid choice to stick with him, so I took on the difficult task of working on myself. He was terrible at communicating, so things would go a while fine then when I bring something up he throws every problem he's had with me back in my face when I didn't know a thing about it. So then I'm insecure about our relationship because just as he doesn't express when he's unhappy, same goes for happy. Anyway, I made the vow to work on myself and commit to improving, and he knew I expected him to improve communication. We had a great christmas, we loved trying out new things and trying to get into habits in January. We had an uneventful but cosy valentines day yesterday. I really thought he was happy. He looked happy, he acted happy. He was improving, I was improving. I bought plants and stuff because spring is coming. I bought an heavy machine for a hobby of mine. Basically what I'm trying to say here is I was full of hope and invested my confidence in our future. In order to assuage anxiety I had to reassure myself that our relationship is secure. I did this 3 days ago. I made a big list as to reasons why things are fine and there's no need to worry lmao. I've accepted this breakup because for a while now I've tried to sort my anxiety by saying that things are fine. This has shaken my confidence so much that I know I won't be ale to return to baseline even if we were to get back together.
I got a job interview the coming week. It was bad timing. I don't have anywhere solid to go back to in my home country. My mind is reeling. I only just realised I could apply to job for any country. I'll be living with him, I've never had this before. It feels like a recipe to get complacent and get back together. While I love him very much and would like that, I know it won't be the same if I do so I don't want to.
IDK what to do. I know I'm lucky to be in this post breakup situation, having a roof over my head and time to search for now. Should I even try with this interview anymore? It's close, and related to my discipline. But I don't need it to be close anymore and have way better chance overseas. What do I do? I mean not jsut my job but any rough guidelines? I think it'll have long term negative effects anxiety wise. Or it could improve it. I feel like all my breakups previously were rough then I had time to myself to process and deal. But everything is just so different this time. I'm sad and bitterly disappointed that my hope and efforts weren't enough to overcome his negative mindset, but yeah. Idk. I have no social network here, my friends in my home country and intermediate countries are long distanced.
God I was so looking forward to this spring and summer too. I thought we cracked it.
>>132876 > In order to assuage anxiety I had to reassure myself that our relationship is secure. I did this 3 days ago. I made a big list as to reasons why things are fine
I'm sorry anon. It sounds like in the back of your mind you maybe did know this was coming? I've been there before and went into denial because of anxiety.
What were the details of the sex discussion that you had shortly before? Have you set boundaries around sleeping arrangements for the next few months living there?
I'm not sure, I've had anxieties about it since being a dependent and money drain while his life was blossoming, and that's been a bit over a year ago. We had a bad time dealing with that, then started to work on it and improve. Idk I thought we were trapped in a negative cycle because I got anxious,it annoyed him then I got more anxious. But then we broke the cycle when he started to openly listen to me voice my concerns and then I felt better, so things never escalated and just improved. It was about getting a sex toy for us. Not a huge or bad thing but he always freezes up with sex talk, good or bad. I brought the fact he might want to work on that up and left him to stew on those thoughts.
We don't have sleeping arrangements but luckily anyway have 2 beds, so i think we'll be OK on that front.
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I broke up with my ex just barely 60 days ago, and day before yesterday I had a friend tell me that he's already on tinder. Our 2 years was worth less than 60 days to him, after he molested me in my sleep and nearly raped me, THEN LIED ABOUT IT RIGHT TO MY FACE, I'm the bad guy, and when I was honest about being uneasy about sex with him he dumped me. I'm in fucking awe, I was willing to give up everything for this asshole and the moment I said sex is gonna take time to work again he dumped me.
Honestly, Anons I was so dead set against sleeping around for a few years, but now I'm just fucking done. I had a panic attack when my friend told me but now I've moved on to being fucking furious. All I can think about is how badly I want to see him hurt like he hurt me, and I just wanna see some chick break his fucking heart in two. I should have fucking choked him when I had the chance.
I wept over this man, I put myself through hell trying to make shit work and you mean to tell me it only took him 60 day to get over his "soulmate". I was on the brink of suicide, I fucking loved him
What can I do to keep myself angry and not broken down and missing him? Am i wrong for wanting to see him hurt?
Why are you wasting any energy on being mad at this asshole? You said yourself he is a rapist.
That said like… 60 days is two months. A perfectly reasonable amount of time to get over a breakup and move on. And considering you broke up with him, he doesn't technically owe you much consideration in that respect. Like, you didn't want him so why would he owe you continuing loyalty?
This Saturday that just passed me & my friend group had a party at a hotel. My boyfriend was there and honestly he was like my best friend. My sister was there as well because my friend group really likes her and she's always had a hard time making friends because she is very shy. The hotel we stayed at had free drinks from 5:30-7:30 and all of us got pretty shit faced. My sister doesn't drink often so we had to put her to bed because she was too drunk. We all had a great night and even went down to smoke a couple of joints in my car. Fast forward to the next morning and everyone went down to have breakfast, my sister and I were the first ones done. When we got back to the room I had noticed my sister had a hickey on her neck. She is kinda stunted when it comes to sex (like a couple of years ago she told me she didn't think she had a clitoris, that kinda stunted). I asked her about it and she tells me that my (now ex)bf had come up into bed with her and was kissing on her & put his hand down her pants. My heart immediately sank. I confronted him on it and he swears he doesn't remember (which is semi believable since he has a history of blacking out) but I slapped the shit outta him and told him he needed to get his shit & his buddies and leave.
I would have NEVER, in a million years thought him capable of something like that. I found out later that it happened when he went back upstairs to "go to sleep" while we were smoking in the car. My sister was too fucked up to consent even if she had wanted it. She cried and said she would be afraid to be near him again if he was drunk. I feel so awful for my sister, she's a virgin and for him to fucking do that to her makes me so sick. If I had found out about it that night while drunk I would have honestly killed him. I've had a knot in my stomach since that morning. I would have bet my life that he wouldn't do something like that. I never once thought she was in danger because she was so drunk, we were all friends and have known each other half our lives. Thank God my sister seems to be handling it okay, and her therapist is coming to see her this wednesday so that is good as well. I've never felt a betrayal like this before, I wish he would've done ANYTHING else. He could've shot me and I'd be more understanding. I really thought I knew this man, and that he was a good man. I've always thought I had a good sense of character when it comes to others but I am completely blindsided. I see that hickey on her neck and it makes my stomach curl. I've never cried so much in my life. That is not a 'mistake' that can be forgiven. I've never been so depressed and heart broken in my life.
He fucked everything up by doing that to her. Our whole friend group is reeling from this as well, I think we all feel guilty that we never even thought my sister was in a place to be taken advantage of. We all would have trusted this man with our lives. I just don't understand how a man does such a thing, one who has never in the past had any inclination for that shit. All I know now is he'd better hope our Dad doesn't find out, my sister is a daddy's girl and he has beat men in the past for me & our mom.
Sorry for the late reply, but I stated I wasn't the one who broke up with him, I wanted to work things out with him, all I did was admit that I was now deathly afraid of sex again after years of sexual abuse in my childhood, and he left me.
The reason I wanted to work it out in hindsight it was because I was wrapped around his finger. 20/20 I guess.
I was mad about it only being 60 days because this man consistently shamed people for having sex with others no less than a year after a breakup, and tried to tell me how it would be years before he was over me, and tried to lead me on my asking if I wanted too we could be together in the future.
I tried to convince myself that it was my choice to break up or that it was my fault for being honest about my fears manifesting again but I realized I really didn't want too. I just wanted his patience with me and to acknowledge he hurt me.
I just felt so lied too, everything I thought I knew about him was just thrown out the fucking window. And even knowing what I did about him, it just made me feel like I was nothing to him. Like I was just his fucking toy.
I pushed myself into sex with him to start, because I felt broken and empty because I was afraid of it, and now I just feel like I'm never gonna be able to do it again, like unless I push myself too far again I won't be able too once again.
As someone with sexual abuse in my childhood and intimacy issues as a result I just want to say that the moment he gets pushy, lacks empathy around you having sexual trauma or touches you knowing you aren't consenting.. he instantly lost his 'good guy' status. He's not a good person, isn't a good partner for you or anyone with your past. Stop romanticising him in your memory by thinking of 'the good times'. Lots of men can be on their best behaviour for years but the moment they assault you, get abusive
, whatever, it's all over and there's no taking it back. You are romanticising a shitstain of a person.
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>>133266>and pretended to not know her but she knew who I was
I think honestly this is the best thing to do. Maybe not your intent, but I have to assume that kind of shit would drive someone crazy. Because she's probably either expecting you to publicly freak the fuck out on her so she can go "kek this bitch is soooo crazy she had it coming" and feel validated in her actions or she's riddled with guilt and wants some kind of confrontation from you so she can feel the air is cleared. Either way, pretending you don't know/recognize her seems like your best option.
Plus there's the element of cheating (sometimes) where the other woman needs feels special and like "I'm so irresistible that this dude was willing to ruin his relationship just to be with me and she must know that, she MUST know that I'm that much better than her". She's probably got delusions of grandeur in her head about the whole thing. By pretending you don't know her it makes it seem like she was so unimportant that your ex didn't even bother to mention who she was or that she was only some quick fuck who meant nothing.
>I didn't want to confront her cause I'm aware that she's not the one to blame
I disagree with this, if she was very aware of your relationship then she's just as much to blame in this situation. It's completely different if the other woman doesn't know she's the other woman and thinks she's just dating some dude and not hurting anyone. She knew what she was doing was hurting you, and she still did it.
But also that really sucks anon, sorry you had to go through that.
Oh anon, I send my love to you and your sister, that's so fucking rough and disgusting, I can't imagine how betrayed you must be feeling. Take all the time you need to heal.
As for me, I've been with my boyfriend only half a year but I've clocked that I might actually be in an emotionally abusive
relationship with him. This does not change and any attempts to leave are swiftly met with him grooming me and telling me that he'll change if I stay. He never does. Also maybe I'm being nitpicky but I put so much time and effort into being enough and looking good and he's shady and hides his female friends and doesn't seem to be over his long time crush who he lied to me about for the longest time, saying she was an ex. He's also a bad liar and constantly talks badly of his family. He decided to eat a pizza that was in the fridge that wasn't his and his dad came home angry at him and he victimised himself over it. I thought that worked as a metaphor because he's like this with me too. Recently my convicted pedophile stalker found me again and started leaving some really disturbing messages and the police are involved and I broke down over it last week. Boyfriend got angry at me for breaking down because he was convinced I was going to break up and made the whole thing about him, shaming me for it and then proceeding to invalidate it and instead whine that uni and work were hard. Nice but you don't have a pedophile stalker threatening to kill himself or harm you….anyway, there's a lot more reasons but every time I think I have it in me to cut a tie and break up I get really scared and convince myself that I'm being too harsh. But he's a manchild and gives me heavy topic vibes and he blames all his problems on everyone else and goes somewhat narccistic easily and I think I'm slowly falling out of love to protect myself. I feel like a tired mother. He also doesn't appreciate me or anything I do for him. It leaves me feeling very unsexy and unlovely and then I realise the guy I'm letting overlook me has let himself go, doesn't care over his weight, hair or hygiene, and acts about twelve. So why is it so hard for me to leave and tell myself I deserve someone who treats me well and hasn't lied to me every day of the relationship or threatened to hurt himself if I tried to stand up? I don't want to be a doormat.
Oh, maybe worth mentioning but I was abused heavily for a decade or so as a child. I'm going to therapy but I am definitely still that person that gives too many chances. Help.
Let's say you have a friend you're very close with, anon, someone you've known your whole life, and you saw a man like your boyfriend treating her the way yours treats you. Because she's someone you care deeply for, wouldn't you have some things to say to this friend? Wouldn't you be concerned? Wouldn't you be saddened, furious, on her behalf for allowing someone to belittle her in such a way? Wouldn't it piss you off to see all her efforts and care being poured into a worthless vacuum of a human being?
You have to be that friend to yourself, anon. You need to value yourself more than you value not being alone, and I know that can be difficult. You've been through some tough shit, you're still
going through some tough shit, and the devil you know is better than the uncertainty that leaving gives you. But you don't need this asshole and you certainly don't need his emotionally maladaptive bullshit
From where I'm looking, it seems like you have all the reasons you need to break it off. You're owed someone who isn't holding out for another woman and who doesn't constantly puts his feelings over yours. You deserve someone who can love you properly, so you may as well start with yourself and get the hell out while you're only half a year in. Stand your ground, tell him it's over and don't fucking look back as you leave. Shut that fucker out.
Don't waste giving any more of yourself over to him or there won't being anything of you left to give. (A little hyperbolic, yeah, but my point stands.)
Anon thank you for your pep talk, it's like I could feel you holding my shoulders and saying "no more of this". I'm a little awkward- how do I say this to him? Do I just say "it's over, goodbye" and leave?
I tried to before and he wouldn't stop calling my phone, when he's nearly lost me he's threatened suicide and when I stayed he told me he'd self harmed over it, I feel like he twists it to our mutual friends and he has a spiteful streak so I don't know if this is going to result in him trying to turn people against me but this doesn't feel right and I either get no apologies or I get a fake general "I'm sorry you feel that way" thing and I feel like my parents raised me better than this so you're right.
He'll probably also say that I can't just leave like that and that "we have to talk about this properly" and then thread a bunch of excuses in for his behaviour.
Now that I think about it he's always had this worryingly manipulative and emotionally unstable streak. He's meant to start therapy soon but I know he won't tell the therapist the whole truth and he lies to his laddy friends.
This guy is always gonna love himself more than me isn't he? Am I right to say he probably has NPD or ASPD? I'm not the first person he's butt heads with. He hides a lot of drama he's been in but I know snippets. And he always talks highly of himself like "I'm an asshole with heart of gold" and "I'm loyal to a fault anon" so I'm thinking I've been dating someone very toxic
and that you're right, he's an emotional vacuum.
He tries to make it up to me and buy me a lot of things and that's kind but I just want his emotional maturity and genuine change, I don't need any gifts, I just want him to not be so two faced. God, the amount of times ive been made to feel like /I/ was being inconsiderate of him….anon thank you, I really needed this reply. You're an angel.
>how do I say this to him? Do I just say "it's over, goodbye" and leave?
Basically? Yes. You've given him ample opportunity to improve and at every turn it seems he's thrown it back in your face. You tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you've tried all you can and that the relationship isn't going anywhere and that it's best if you went your separate ways. You gotta watch out for yourself, anon. If you have someone you trust that can be present as you cut him off, to help you keep your resolve, all the better. When you decide to break it off, block him on everything and ignore any and all attempts to reach out. Don't give him any chances to worm his way back in.
>I tried to before and he wouldn't stop calling my phone, when he's nearly lost me he's threatened suicide and when I stayed he told me he'd self harmed over it> He tries to make it up to me and buy me a lot of things and that's kind but I just want his emotional maturity and genuine change, I don't need any gifts, I just want him to not be so two faced.
These are huge ones, anon, and it's often a tactic used by the emotionally manipulative to get you to pity him and to guilt you. They use gifts to temporarily placate you and then take their own conscious decisions and insecurities and plant them on your shoulders to make what they do to themselves your responsibility. It isn't your fault if he hurts himself. It will never
be your fault and may a thousand fleas crawl up his asshole for trying to paint it in such a way. Fuck that.
>I feel like he twists it to our mutual friends and he has a spiteful streak so I don't know if this is going to result in him trying to turn people against me but this doesn't feel right
With most break ups, there will
be fallout. It's an unfortunate reality. I can't promise any of what happens will end in your favor, as people will make their own decisions and determine who it is they fall in line with. But if any of your mutual friends choose that bastard over you, they have this one anon's unwavering disgust and contempt.
Hold strong and god speed, anon.
That's War and Peace here, so I'm not sure if someone will even read it, but whatever.
It's been like ~3.5 years since my bf "broke up" with me (ghosted me completely, to be exact). We had a long distance relationship that lasted for approximately seven years, and we broke up before, like, two times. The first time was just stupid and wasn't really initiated by anyone (he thought it was solely my fault though), it happened due to a lack of communication. Second time was initiated by me and we didn't talk the whole year until I decided to get together again. After that, we were together for over three years, and then he ghosted me 'cause he decided that it wouldn't work out and started a relationship with another woman. He couldn't break up with me properly because he's afraid of conflict, negative emotions and so on. He didn't want me to know about his new relationship, too, even though he talked about this person before (they've become acquainted few months prior to the "break up") and everything about that was fishy from the very beginning, so I already suspected emotional cheating. He just gave up on us because he thought I would never move to his country.
And tbh I really wasn't that eager, it felt more like a sacrifice, which, I guess, probably makes relationship already doomed. But what really made me hesitant was that he still lived with his mother and she has a serious drinking problem. I was supposed to live with them together, because he didn't have his own apartment. He didn't see any other alternative since he's kinda rigid and afraid of change. So I tried to discuss this issue with him but he only got depressed and withdrawn. Then we had a weird talk and I'd been thinking he'd dumped me for a few days until he talked to me again, seemingly determined to do something about our situation. I wasn't ready to talk about it at the moment because I was completely devastated and I was just relieved he didn't leave me (yeah, pathetic). He probably took it as a sign that I simply didn't want to do anything. After a week or so he disappeared and we haven't talked since.
However, I had a chance to talk to his new (at the moment; she dumped him after few months of dating) girlfriend who contacted me 1.5 months after his disappearance. She've already wanted to dump him but do it smoothly, by returning him back to me, so she started to guilt trip me, kind of, and I almost fell for that. I continued talking to her because I really wanted to get to the bottom of it all (guess I'm probably masochistic as well) and make him nervous for that matter, because he knew we talked at least once. I know from her that it did make him anxious and afraid(?), he even teared up a bit, he was angry at her that she reminded him of me when he's almost got over. After she realized I wasn't going to arrive she became much more open and told me some things which he said about me. There were some touching words, but there was some really surprising stuff as well. It was like he got annoyed with every little thing about me. Also some things were just made up, and those weren't even serious things, really worth of annoyance. But I'm pretty sure he really said that, I mean, it wasn't her fantasy, it sounded quite like him. For some reason such misrepresentation aggravated me the most and I stopped missing him at once.
However, unfortunately, not for long. I didn't think about him for nearly a year, I mean, in positive light at least. I've already had new relationship, and a wonderful one. And then I started to think that we could've had it too, that we could also live like that and we dreamed about it. The thing is, he's my first love, and I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything like that. I was very emotionally invested in our relationship, felt like I was the one responsible for his happiness. And then, after that year we didn't talk, I started analyzing everything and realized that I was wrong here and there, that we're probably both guilty of such an outcome. Besides, I finally started treating my depression and felt much better. Subsequently, I felt like we could have a good talk and start with a clean slate, not making those old mistakes again. Also I heard that he finally moved from his mother. And I understand that it doesn't matter, I shouldn't think about it, because nothing of it negates his behavior right before and after the "break up". I guess I couldn't trust him anyway now. Moreover, it's stupid to expect someone to change or even that someone has changed already, without any evidence.
So I forget about him for some time, then I suddenly have a dream about him, it's usually nice, so I start missing him against my better judgement. Then I'm checking his social media like crazy, I forget some most unpleasant things and make excuses for the less unpleasant ones, then I remember something and get angry and upset because someone this important to me was so indifferent to my feelings, so I start feeling globally unloved, especially if I'm off my meds. I can't get rid of this stupid feeling that we have this special connection, like we're meant to be etc. I'm just so fucking unstable in my feelings towards him and in the way I see our relationships and this whole situation, and it seems like I can't control my thoughts at all. It's good though that I'm not as impulsive as I used to be, otherwise I would be trying to get together again any time I get overly optimistic about him. I have to say it gets better gradually, but I want to be completely over him, like, it's been three years, come on.
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Pressed send without attaching, oops
>i've just had a lot bottled and I'm sorry that it manifests the way it does
Emotional and mental constipation is not an excuse to mistreat the people you care about. This isn't an apology, this is deflection. Nowhere does it say he's actually sorry for the way he's treated you
. He needs to own his shitty behavior, whether it's based in an actual rational reaction or otherwise. Because being sick isn't a free pass to walk all over the people that care about you.
>it's not fair on you and I wouldn't blame you if it was goodbye
He says this and then says he loves you and, by some leap in logic, seems to expect this admittance of love to somehow to win you over? Where was this love when he was mistreating you? Where was this love of his when he was threatening you with self harm? The audacity
The fact of it all is this: the world will continue to turn and life will go on, whether he loves you or not, whether you are together or not. If he had an ounce of respect for you, he'd let this break come off clean and focus on getting that help he mentioned. Love is a team effort, and you, anon, shouldn't be the only trying to drag you both to the finish line.
I'm proud of you, anon. You got this.
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I agree with you. He did send this a few above but it still felt not genuine for some reason. Maybe it's the lack of directing it and just shrugging it off as everything. Either way you've helped confirm that I'm not being unreasonable and that I deserve better treatment than this.
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>>133648>but it still felt not genuine for some reason
Because it's not. He's just trying to throw the magic words at you until he gets the response from you that he wants, because until now, it's always worked (I don't mean that pejoratively). He's full of shit and a pussy ass narcissistic little bitch (I do mean that pejoratively). Let him ride the whambulance as hard as he wants, and just block him. You've said your piece, there's no need to keep the wound held open for him to rub more salt into. Break ups don't need to be mutual agreements, if you want out, you're allowed to get out.
And if he self harms or tries to top himself? Not on you, that's a decision he's made. He's the nutter killing himself (or trying to) over being dumped by his gf of 6 months.
I also have a history of abuse, and my high school boyfriend was exactly like your total dropkick of an ex. I stayed with him for three and a half years before I finally had it with his bullshit, and the damage it had done to my self esteem was incredible. I'm so glad you've recognised his bullshittery, and have taken the steps to get out.
Asking your therapist about how to deal with the dissonance between people's words and actions when they hurt you might be a good idea. Learn to identify the parts of a genuine, remorseful apology, because there's a lot more to it than someone just repeating "sorry" and "I didn't mean it" and "I love you" or changing the topic to excessive self-flagellation until it shuts you up so the hurtful behaviour can continue.
You deserve far better, you're not unreasonable, and you're not too sensitive (I don't think you mentioned but I'm sure he's pulled that line, right?). He's done hurtful things, you have every right to be hurt and to air that grievance with him, he's just a shitbird incapable of dealing with the consequences. You're not stuck up in wanting basic decency and respect from a partner.
The coming days will hurt the worst, but I doubt you'll feel all that bad about once you've stepped back far enough to be able to see the forest for the trees.
I'm really proud of you too, anon. Stay strong. It's hard not to feel like a bitch in these situations, but you're not. Like the other anon said, you've got this.
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You guys are like the fierce bigger sisters I never had, thank you, I feel a lot less awful about it and I think my guilt stems from people who guilt tripped me enough that I just do automatically nowadays. I'm tired of fake apologies and you're right anon, I fucking deserve better and I'd tell that to any friend going through this too. I need to stop forgiving him just because he insists he loves me and his good actions and our good memories do not ever justify or cover these. Thank you guys so much. The first ultimatum was November and since then this has just been a heavily regular occurrence that's ended up being valid
for a week and then the apologies all would get forgotten.
Also anon I'm really glad that you got out of that toxic
relationship and you sound super fierce and kind to me, I hope you've gotten all the help that you needed and I'll be sure to do the same and support myself sensibly.
Does anyone have any advice for getting out of a shitty relationship where you're completely financially dependent on your BF? I don't have kids and I have pets, *and( I live in The South so I really don't see any way to get out and be independent on my own when I have no money, credit, no family_friends left thanks to my BF 's possessive jealousy isolating me and I don't have a good family to go back to anyway (75% of why I got with him was to leave home tbqh).
Now, I can't hold a job, I'm about to lose my car, have no insurance and my tires got slashed 2 weeks ago yet BF wont help me replace them bc I'm broke as a joke. We are staying at his uncles for free which is nice of him, but I can't work without a car (bad area) and BF can't wake up and actually GO to work despite being able to get well paying jobs quickly (seems he just doesn't want to work).
Before I got with him, despite my family being abusive and manipulative I was lower middle class, yet now after only a year together I'm drowning in the debt I had just paid off before meeting him (credit cards for gas/food and then not being able to pay bills), I live around filth and broken stuff constantly (toilets that don't flush, front/back doors that don't lock despite the bad area, no heat/AC in Florida, refrigerator that doesn't really get cold enough for me to risk keeping meat/dairy without getting stomach issues or the shits).
I cry in the shower almost every night because it seems like he wants me to end up destitute and homeless so he can own me or something, like he doesn't want me to be independent. I guess he realizes that if I didn't need him so badly now, I would leave (hell, I'd leave if I could without being homeless, I can't even go to a shelter nc of my cat and dog and nobody I know with room for me wants my pets there).
Sorry for the typos, I'm on his shitty old galaxy s6 trying to rush bc he gets pissy when I type a lot to anyone but him. I guess I'm just venting here because I feel so trapped and helpless… I just wish guys weren't like this.
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How do you accept that you lost an entire family that cared about you and a chance at a better life?
I'm over him but I have a really hard time accepting that I lost the chance to have a better life since he was upper middle class, lived in a great city and had an okay family and I'm borderline poor, living in a tiny town, can't afford a car, move out and my family has always been a bit abusive and neglecting. It just makes me feel extra shitty.
Decide what’s more important the rest of your life or your animals
Contact a woman’s shelter and get out
Avoid the Red Cross or any big branded shelters
Pack your shit and leave
Concentrate on creating stability for yourself like >>134060
said. I dated a guy for three years where he had nice family connections and I lived with less money worries during that time.. he did however start fights and threaten to kick me out any time he lost his temper. Being in charge of your own finances is much more comforting and rewarding than relying on a partner to always be there.
The aftermath of my breakup is tearing me apart… sorry for the kinda long text.
I initiated the breakup, after a long time reflecting if it really had no other solution. It was painful, but we ended things in an alright way, no big fight or anything. I felt like I did the right thing, even though I spent a full week crying. I stayed quiet on all my social media, didn’t have any energy to interact with anyone.
However, he didn’t seem to feel the same: in the same day, he changed his relationship status everywhere to a big and public SINGLE, kept talking and shitposting on twitter like nothing had happened and started to like a lot of sexy cosplay pictures there (we still had each other on all social media then). I felt really disrespected, like he didn’t have any consideration towards my feelings even though he said he wanted to keep me as a friend (I wanted that too, as I thought of him as an important part of my life, even with all the bad moments that led to our breakup). I couldn’t stand seeing him act like that and unfollowed him. A month later, he messaged me asking how I was, but I didn’t have any strength to answer. Sometime after that, he started making flirty comments on pictures of a mutual friend of ours. It was like he was doing everything to piss me off. I felt extremely saddened and discarded, as if our three years of relationship didn’t mean a thing to him. So I started to think that he was just waiting for the moment I’d break up with him, even if he felt unhappy by my side, which pains me a lot. Was he really such a coward?
It’s been a few months since we broke up and I fluctuate between not thinking about it at all and feeling completely destroyed inside. Our friends say he never showed any sign of sadness to them, but they feel like he’s forcing himself to seem good and that the bad feelings he may be repressing will come sometime.
I do know I made the best decision by breaking up instead of forcing contact that I definitely wasn’t willing to have. I wasn’t feeling any attraction towards him, physical or emotional. I don’t want him back. But, still, I treasured our relationship and the good things that came with it. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling like this?
says. It really sounds like you wanted to achieve something with this breakup, especially since you did not even take a break, but immediately carried on as "friends". And even if that is not the case, you still seem way too attached to your ex and the fact that it makes you feel "destroyed inside" although you don’t want anything from him anymore makes you sound obsessive and jealous. According to your post you ended the relationship and don’t want him back. Him moving on is his right and not disrespectful, but of course it can be weird to see your ex doing that. Don't follow him on social media again, try to move on yourself and don’t investigate, e.g. asking your friends about him.
Come on now, nobody owes you not approaching your friends after a break up you initiate.
As for everything else, a lot of people cope by moving on as fast as possible, even if they don't really feel like it. Fake it till you make it or w/e. I think you're taking this too much as a personal attack, you two aren't a thing anymore, that kind of thinking has to go.
>I wasn’t feeling any attraction towards him, physical or emotional (…) I treasured our relationship and the good things that came with it.
That doesn't sound very good for the other person involved… combined this post reads like an ego trip. If you weren't really into him why want your past relationship being this huge solemn thing in his life looming over his every action? Do you want a personal dedication on his gravestone as well? lmao
>>134432 > I initiated the breakup > he changed his status to SINGLE > I felt extremely saddened and discarded > I felt really disrespected
Treat this as a life lesson I guess. You broke up when you weren't certain. Don't repeat the same mistake in future.
Let this guy move on, you don't sound like an emotionally healthy person. You're shifting blame onto him when he did nothing wrong. He got dumped and he took it well. Your pissed off (and frankly quite egotistical) feelings are entirely yours to deal with. Maybe in therapy.
My first post sounded way too dramatic, now that I read it again.>>134446>>134450
You two hit the closest to the actual situation. I’ll admit I felt kinda jealous and it all hit me in a bad way because it felt like he was shoving stuff in my face. I’m doing my best to not get any information on him and asked my friends to not tell me stuff about him. >>134451
it just really felt bad because, for a very long time, he used to treat me as if he couldn’t live without me. Sometimes it kinda felt as if I was responsible for him (and it could be overwhelming).That’s why I was shocked to see how quickly he moved on, but it was wrong to expect him to “mourn” our relationship like I did.>>134460
I was certain at the moment of the breakup. I just felt disappointed with the aftermath for reasons I explained above and, while he wasn’t doing anything wrong, it just felt unnecessary. I mean, why not just talk to girls in private? That’s what made me feel like I was nothing and stuff. I didn’t want to sound like I was shifting blame onto him or anything like that.
At least I know now that the way I worded things made a terrible impression of myself lmao
That said, I realized I’m feeling like that because I’m just remembering the good parts of the past and not the tons of reasons that led to the breakup. It was my first long term relationship and I didn’t deal with anything quite like this before.
>>134477 > It was my first long term relationship and I didn’t deal with anything quite like this before.
Tbh given the context that this is your first real breakup I feel like I was a little judgey.
Thing is he probably did grieve more than he showed you. In my experience men are just more inclined to do that. They want to maintain some pride, which is fair but it leaves us feeling like they are indifferent to losing us. Trust that he did grieve but he's entitled to keep that pride and move on at his own pace.
It’s alright, it’s difficult not to judge when you only have that wall of text to base any advice on. Thanks for the comprehension though.
Yeah, it must’ve been something like that. I guess he’s just trying to keep his head up and wasn’t exactly wanting to attack me by doing any of that. Thanks again, I’ll remember this if I go through something similar in the future.
How long has it been since the breakup?
I felt similar after my marriage ended and tbh it took a few years before I had sex with another person but I eased into things by embracing some celebrity crushes and building fantasies in my head, watching marathons of movies with attractive actors in them and investing in a couple of adult toys.
It goes away.
I was with my ex for 6+ years and it took me around 2 years to be able to do something sexual with someone else. I still haven't but the mental block is mostly gone now
hi, sorry. this is probably going to end up a wall of blog text. but i really need some honest advice here.
i posted in the relationship advice thread almost a year ago after i was ghosted by a girl i was truly in love with. to be rly brief, she was a lesbian in a straight marriage that she had to 'convince' herself over + over that it was still okay. she had cried about being unable to get a divorce bc of her family. we almost stopped talking a couple of times but we couldn't make peace with parting or continuing to talk as just friends. i said this before + i rly realise some posters will call me scum for 'messing' with a marriage but she was really regretting the decisions she made at the time we got involved. there is a lot of stuff i'm omitting but it wasn't some cheap affair + there was no sex or anything like that involved. everything really was perfect + she used to tell me she wished she had met me instead.
the background to the ghosting is that her husband was v controlling and was trying to pressure her to delete her one form of social media she had left. i was supposed to delete it for her because there was no way to do it through the app at the time + the only other pc she had access to then was his.. + obviously that wasn't an option. on the day before she was supposed to delete it everything was better than it ever was. we were trying to make plans to spend a couple of weeks together to see if we still clicked being with each other 24/7, i made a christmas present for her, we talked for hours on end, + everything felt like it was finally falling into place. she never showed up the day she said she needed to. i didn't hear from her in a week so i obviously got v worried and anxious because she always apologised (needlessly) for being unable to talk to me for whatever reason. i texted her + got no response. i emailed her 3 weeks later + got no response for almost another week. when she did show up she was furious + the things she said to me really destroyed me. she backpedalled everything she had ever said to me about what i meant to her in an instant. i know that he saw the text + i don't know what else he found out but she told me she'd be back in a couple of months to talk things out. this was january last year. she has never gotten back in contact even after i tried to reach out in the few 'safe' ways i had.
i have no idea what to do. i was ready to give my life + more to this girl bc i thought that we'd somehow work it out. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't have any idea what happened. it was all fine until that week. i have been to grief counselling, i have been to therapy, i have talked it out with friends. i cannot actually process what happened, as pathetic as it is, no matter how long has passed. i fell into a bad spiral of alcoholism last year over it after she left. when i stopped drinking the first time i went into serious withdrawal + had a tachycardia episode that led to a 'mild' heart attack that left me with permanent damage to my heart. i ended up going back to alcohol anyway because i couldn't cope with the anxiety sober. i run through everything i mightve done wrong in my mind over + over every single day. i was still drinking almost a liter of vodka over 2 days until a few nights ago when i ended up having an anxiety attack anyway, sobbing in my bed and puking all over myself. i even had to call someone to come + clean me up. i felt so pathetic that i'm going through another attempt at getting sober again.
i have wrestled with the idea of messaging her one last time because i desperately need closure + answers so that i can at least attempt to make some peace with it, but i also on the other hand am absolutely terrified of her coming back full of hate that i dared to message her. the issue is that the only contact i have left is an email that her entire family can see, + i don't know if it's over the line to message it, or if i should do it + be vague, or if i should just come out + straight up tell her how bad things are. i only want to know what happened. i know shes made her choice. but it still feels like this is going to look like needless stirring even if it isn't.
am i wrong to want to message her? do i have the right? am i being spineless if i don't? i understand it's pathetic, but please help me. i'm so lost.
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Anon, it's a tough time, but
> i was ready to give my life + more to this girl bc i thought that we'd somehow work it out. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't have any idea what happened. it was all fine until that week.
You messed with a marriage. it doesnt usually work out that way. Was this marrried woman perfect for you? Maybe she was. She also sounds like potentially heavy case of bpd. There are so many reasons that its a bad idea to rush into a marriage like that, and you've learned one of the many.
Take it as a lesson, and move on.
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The brain is so fucking weird. I've been in a new super great relationship for 2 years, 3 years now since my abusive ex of 5 yrs. I've been reading "When he won't change" by Jack Ito not because my current bf is problematic but because I react way overboard whenever any disagreements appear (because of the previous abusive relationship obviously) and I heard it has some good advice. But while I'm reading, the author is always giving examples of "difficult" behavior by a partner which my current bf doesn't have but my ex did on all fronts and reading it feels as if I'm still trying to deal with my ex? Like my brain reads a chapter and is like "Yeah so we should do this, when your ex does that" which makes no sense right…? I have to literally put in effort to think of my current bf while reading instead. Smh. I hope this serves as a warning to others…
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It's been almost a week since my fiancé dumped me. I've started packing my shit but right now I have zero motivation to do anything. I'm struggling between "lets get all our stuff ready so we can leave right now, stop being lazy" and "it's okay to wallow for a bit, its the death of a serious 3 year relationship". I'm at an impasse since I'm completely alone right now. I want help to get my stuff but obviously corona prevents that, and even then I live in another country at the moment so any friends and family aren't here. I just wish things were different and I never moved to this stupid place.
First of all, this post was so hard to read…
Secondly…your friend seems kinda controlling in some ways but I don’t really know how he wanted to be with you this long tbh, even as a friend.
Anon, just do me a favour and try to search for the self criticism in your post. As long as it is, I only see excuses and explanations but nothing like “I know I was wrong there and there”. It seems to me pretty obvious why he got tired after a while. It seems like you want to be listened and understood but you can’t make the minimal effort to do the same for him, even with little unimportant things. You want a relationship with him but basically you always trash his opinions about everything. Always have an excuse for everything. And then you panic when he calls you out.
What were you expecting then?
This is so hard to read but honestly what I could make out of this is that yes you are way too much especially for someone who wasn't even in a relationship with the person. Calling someone 70+ times and texting them across various different platform. I would have block you.
You say you didn't want a relationship/that wasn't the end game yet you said "what do you want me to do with these feelings." Clearly the guy cared for you, most likely even liked you in the beginning but didn't think he was ready for a relationship. I'm gonna be blunt but you are legit a mess and need to learn to have adult conversation. You can't have a tantrum because someone said something you did like, especially when the person clearly care about you and your health.
If this was posted in the pov of the guy, anons probably would have said you dodge a bullet. Take that into consideration and actually use this time to reflect what you could have done and how to better yourself
It sounds to me like you're both a bit awful and immature honestly.
>He says he cares about your health but wants to put you on bc for his own benefit, despite the fact that bc can harm your health a lot.
>He's not your boyfriend and won't let you be affectionate but yet he wants to control what you eat and how you live your life.
>"I'll have more respect for you and youd have more respect for yourself if you just learned how to cook."
What a piece of shit honestly.
Also implying that you're not a young teen you're a bit of a womanchild and need to work on getting your life together and also work on your attachment issues. But don't be fooled into thinking this guy has done no wrong, he's a hypocrite, controlling and manipulative piece of shit.
Caring and being concerned with someone else’s bad habits is nowhere in this world controlling. Jfc.
A person who cares for herself is normally more respected than someone who just jumps into whatever fast food restaurant. It’s something, you know, grown up adults do.
The actual issue is that neither of you had any healthy boundaries as friends with benefits. None. Sorry to say anon but it sounds like you were hoping the FWB would turn into a relationship someday. Please don't make that assumption again, I've rarely seen casual sex relationships turn into meaningful, long term serious ones. Only engage in casual sex if you know you'll be okay with it never going anywhere.
If you ever intend to have another FWB in the future, learn to compartmentalize and accept that you cannot treat a sexual relationship like a romantic relationship or platonic friendship with men. He told you repeatedly that he could not give you the kind of relationship you require yet you persisted and set yourself up for hurt feelings. Regarding the other issues, like him criticizing your eating habits or you calling him 70+ times, etc.–none of those things should have happened because you didn't owe each other emotional labor. Neither of you should have been in each other's business to such an extent. He also negged you a lot, like bringing up your 2.0 gpa, really? What did he care if he was never going to date you and no less marry you?
Honestly I agree with your mom that he's manipulative. He flat out said he didn't respect you. Most men know when a woman they're sleeping with is developing feelings, but rather than have the uncomfortable conversation and cut you off before things got out of hand, he kept your "emotional" ass around as a sexual option while pretending like he was doing you a huge favor to put up with you. Instead of accepting your flaws, he tried to control and change you then withdrew affection when you didn't. I have no doubt that he got a major ego boost from you having chased him and acted so crazy over him. I know you said he drove to you, but anon you really gave him too much of your heart for very little effort on his end. No offense. Like, if he thought your food choices were so poor then why didn't he treat you to a wonderful restaurant where the food was clean instead of letting you buy Mcdonald's? He sounds like a low quality scum.
I think you'll have a lot of growth with a behavioral therapist, you might be able to pick up some techniques to emotionally cope when you start to feel your emotions spiraling and wanting to jump to extremes. Don't give up on yourself. Readjust your crown and move on from this guy. It'll be nothing more than an embarrassing and silly memory in a few years. Please make sure you block him on all platforms and never speak to him again.
I clearly said that she's a bit of a womanchild and that she should get her life together. I agree any functional adult knows how to cook and care for themselves. But by the looks of it he sounds hypocritical as fuck.
I don't trust any man that continuously nags a woman to get birth control by herself instead of going to buy condoms himself. I bet he doesn't even cook, because he just tells her to look it up online instead of actually giving her any advice at all on how to cook or plan for meals. Any person that cooks has practical advice for what works for them, like stuff you can prep on the weekend to use throughout the week and stuff like that.
Also it's not the same to give advice to a friend than to literally get into arguments if they don't follow your command, and threatening to end their "friendship" if they don't do what you say. In the end he's done nothing to help her get healthier.
Sorry but he's behaving just as psycho as her.
Condoms are objectively worse than hormonal and intrauterine birth control even when they are used correctly. Their main use is preventing STDs. Ideally, both should be used.
Just throwing it out there.
The very pill I used to treat pcos was confirmed to kill 20 women per year in France alone. Other pills have also shown to increase the risk for blood cloths.
The guy pretends to care so much for her health yet pushes her to get something that can often cause weight gain, depression, mood swings, and kill her libido (and although very rare it could even kill her).
I'm not saying it's super dangerous but it's solely her choice if it's worth it to put herself through that or not. It's shitty of him to push her to do it for his own benefit.
Hey yall thanks so much for responding an giving your honest takes I just wanted to clear something's up >>136348
So in regards to the BC thing while he did kind of push for birth control the few times we did try to get things going he did offer and put on a condom eventually. It was less so about trying to control me and more so him trying to push me towards positive choices through advice. And to him it seemed like I never took the time to truly consider it and that's how things got frustrating.>>136360
I think this had alot of good points we definitely were to involved with each other to keep up a just FWB relationship it was more so though that my attachment and obsession came more so from a sense of entitlement and selfishness but he genuinely wanted to help change me for the better and wanted me to choose better options. Not only did he drive to me he got me gifts lent me cash at least twice and the fast food issue was a nearly everyday thing he wasnt really around me everyday to take me out to restaurants though he did treat me to brunch I really dont think he was trying to be manipulative or a force change . He genuinely wanted to help with my bad habits and just wanted to feel listened to. Though I agree that he should've of tried to back out ounce he knew I had feelings and he didnt though again it takes two to tango obviously and he did become a hypercritical and nagging after a bit.
>>136864>I still feel that my ex was my soulmate
Why exactly do you think so?
Also why did you break up?
All of my interests are female-dominated and he's the only straight man I've ever met that shared them. We never ran out of things to talk about or ways to relate to one another. He was literally my other half. The typical interests of men are really boring to me so I can't relate to them much or have deep conversations.
We broke up because he stopped feeling anything for me. I'm not sure if he really loved me at any point, but by that point he definitely didn't anymore.>>136889
I have plenty of hobbies, a great job etc. But that doesn't change my feelings about the romance part of my life.>>136890
It's not that I don't feel complete, or else I would have settled for any partner. It's just that when I do try for it, it never feels right anymore.
i am kind of in that boat with my ex. i think what bothers me the most is that i didn't feel "enough" and that no matter how hard i tried in the relationship, it didn't matter and my best wasn't enough. ofc i do love him and care for him etc, i just think that the issue is more of a me problem than it is he is my everlasting soulmate. because if he was, he would be there.
take it as a lesson learned and focus on you. give people chances. when i met my ex i actually didn't even like him that much but he seemed nice and interesting etc. even if it's been 2 yrs it's fine, i think it would be weirder if you instantly found another love of your life. you just need time is all
I feel like a fucking crazy person! I've been obsessively thinking about someone I had feelings for that never came to fruition for almost 5 months now. I posted about how our friendship ended here >>132327
when it happened, I found out they broke up with my other exfriend and I haven't stopped thinking about them since, all progress I've made with getting over it literally reverted and I feel like it just happened a week ago again.
I've never loved anyone like this before, and I'm really scared I'm never going to move on since it's been so long. I still check their locked finsta to see if the post count goes up and check their twitter multiple times a day. Blocking them or denying myself checking them doesn't help, I just think about it constantly instead.
I have no idea how they actually feel about me or what happened since we literally haven't spoken since it happened. I want to reach out to them somehow but I'd have to do it in crazy psycho bitch ways like making a side account to DM them or something, which just feels really wrong. They've told me they aren't the type to ever reach out to people first and that's the only reason the idea is even entertainable to me. They could want to talk to me again but don't want to reach out. Or they could of forgotten about me already. Or they could hate me. I literally don't know!
Since it has happened I've had sex, I've moved forward in my life, I've made new friends, I've changed myself for the better - but instead of gaining the confidence that I don't want them anymore I just think about how I wish I could've shared ever accomplishment with them and how much I wish they cared. No one else has been attractive to me since them. Theyre on my mind constantly, I have PTSD and I've started having flashbacks about stuff we did together. Whenever I leave my house I constantly look around for their car because I wish I could see them again. I just want to talk to them again to find out how they actually feel and apologize if I have to or something.
None of our mutual friends know this happened and if they do know their opinion of me doesn't seem to be changed, but I haven't really asked much. Our only close mutual friend follows their finsta where I have no idea if they cared enough to vent about me and what happened with us. I don't really talk to a lot of people anymore because I'm literally almost traumatized over what happened between me and this person and don't feel like myself anymore.
I just want to stop thinking about them and stop being in love with them so badly. This fucking sucks and I don't know how to move on.
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years a little over a month ago because I was fed up with him gaslighting and negging me.
now that I have 0 friends and I have absolutely no one I miss him a lot, he was the only person in my life for the last couple years, everyone else ghost me after a few days.
I don't wish to get back with him but I can't help but feel helpless and sad.
I had my whole future planned with him in consideration and now I have to replan my whole life, I have been depressed for long before breaking up with him but then I had hope things would turn around one day, now I just know that I'm here and I have no one.
I tried to text people and I've been checking my phone for new messages from anyone all day, wish I had friends that make me feel like I matter.
I can't deal with my recent breakup, especially with social distancing but also in general I just want to kms. I don't think I'll meet anyone I could love like him again, god I'm so lonely and now I can't even make friends probably for a year or something.
We broke up because of mental health which has caused a lot of baggage and resentment even though we still love and care for each other, we even made an agreement to get in touch when we're both 30 and maybe try again if we both have fixed our issues and if neither is in a relationship at that point… It's so dumb, I know it isn't even a good idea, but I don't think I want to be with anyone else. I haven't met even five people in my life with whom I could be compatible, even though most of my acquaintances are male and kind of like-minded, and I'm not that young anymore.
So now I'm just crying all day and thinking about seeing and hugging him again in a few years, and sleeping next to him again. Jesus christ, I can't let go of this hope but how will I get over him, I just want it so so much.
I don't think it's weird. At 16 your brain is still developing and experiences like that can really stick with you for a long time. It's a vulnerable age. Plus being cheated on is always traumatic, especially since you went through the loss of a loved one at the same time.
Have you talked to your husband about this?
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I wish I knew of this thread when my ex dumped me 6 months ago. I wasn't too upset with the breakup since i only found out 2 months after he stopped talking to me and by then i was already with family and friends.
The thing that upset me more was finding out my ex was still on a kink site that he told me he deleted and that he was talking to a bunch of women sexually while he was with me. I was trying so hard for my ex to give me physical affection and even sex but he would put it off and there he is on a kink site saying that he hasn't had sex in ages and would love to get physical with someone… I felt like that made me feel physically unattractive while at the same time guys just being only physically attracted to me…. this destroyed my confidence in being in a relationship let alone how im seen to guys.
I feel like the thing that's hurts is seeing how happy my friend's relationships are and how they're in a long committed relationships compare to mine that don't even last a year… I'm not looking right now to get into a relationship (mainly because i want to work on myself more and i want to travel) but i have doubt someone would want an actual relationship with me and be attracted to me long term…
your ex was an asshole and he used being as an excuse because he didn't find a flaw in you, it's not you that is the issue but him. I'm pretty sure not everyone who's in a relationship is happy but you'll eventually find someone that you're compatible with and can be happy together and it's okay if you don't because being single has more perks than being in a relationship, IMO it's always better being single than in an unfulfilling relationship that sucks your soul, I know getting through a breakup is harsh but try to find more friends and to get back to the things you abandoned due to the relationship, try to get to in touch again with yourself and accept yourself for who you're…
good luck for both of us on our journies, it's a long tough one but it's worth it, it's time for a fresh start.
Thank you anon for your comment, i learned my lesson of dating shitty broke guys. I do feel happy being single but i do get a bit sad hearing my friends talk about their relationships.
tbh my best friend's friend told me about how he had sex with my best friend because her sex with her bf (that she's been with for the past 6 years) is really shit, that and her mental health is pretty bad. my friend would force herself onto her friend and tell him to hit her while having sex… its so messed up… hopefully she still isn't like that now but who knows.
anyways I wish you luck on your journey with whatever you have been through and hope you're giving yourself self care and love.
seconded, you deserve someone who appreciates you and it will take a while but you will get there and you do not have to settle for the bare minimum or compromise when he hurts you.
it took me a long time to break up but I was >>133593
and god, even when I told him I was breaking up he tried to control me and he phoned me prefacing it as "not to try and talk me into staying" but a few minutes later I could hear him getting agitated when he'd ask if he could win me back or what to do if he never gets over me and it felt good. Really good after months of being treated like shit. I'm now much happier and I don't feel tied down and nobody is threatening self harm to control me, I just leave him be.
We tend to forgive a lot more than we should and ending it is easier said than done but you will get there, your ex was a pig and I know it must be easy to look at happier relationships of your friends and yearn but when you least expect it you'll probably fall into one with someone amazing who doesn't give you these issues or compromise your self esteem. It must be hard finding out so recently that he'd done something like this behind your back, I'm so sorry. He didn't deserve you, he was a scumbag and it reflects him and his self worth and not yours!!
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Can someone please help me to stop thinking about killing myself? I keep thinking of a really tall bridge in driving distance.
The only light in my life has gone out. I would’ve supported him and given him all my love through thick and thin but he said that his depression was making it not possible to be in a relationship with me. We were together for over a year and I feel devastated every single waking moment. I keep randomly crying whenever I think of him. I’m in constant, incapacitating emotional pain. I feel like I never want to love again. i wanted us to be like pic related
Please help me. I dont want to die. I am in so much pain. I invested so much and was so committed. I keep watching videos and reading news articles about people jumping from bridges
Just please help me… advice, funny videos/podcasts, cute animal pictures or videos, songs that make you happy or want to dance.. please just anything to console me or distract me. I dont want to be alive
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I think I remember you from the vent thread, apologies if I'm wrong. Either way I'm really sorry you're going through this anon, I don't know if there's anything I can say to help you with the pain you're feeling but I wanted you to know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
I meant that I do not care if I sound “dramatic” to you. I have no one to vent to and am not in a great state of mind right now. Get out of the breakup support thread and vent threads if they make you so bothered. MOOOOOO>>140568
Thank you so much for this anon. Even a short silly video can boost my spirits a little.>>140570
Yeah that was me… this response means a lot to me and makes me feel less alone. Thank you.
Sounds like you're feeling lost without your ex… Your feelings are completely understandable, but I hope you know, you were okay before he was in your life, and you will be okay without him again someday. Hang in there friend, just try to get through the next few hours, and it'll turn into weeks, then years.
If you're from the USA you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 if you need to chat with someone!
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I dumped my ex three months ago after 3 years of being on and off, he was a complete asshole but I used to find him genuinely hot like an 8/10, I still haven't deleted his photos but I haven't looked at them in months and I did last night , to my surprise he looks so drastically different, the photos are the same but I used to be under his effect I saw him way more attractive than he actually is.
he's fucking ugly, gross, and below average, he's more like a 5.5/10 I'm waaaay out of his league, I'm glad I dumped him.
Yeah me too, but I'll be damned if I let that make me reconsider my toxic
behaviour and try to become a better person.
Your ex sounds disgusting as hell, good riddance.
Tall girls are gorgeous, don't let this lolicon (gawd) make you feel bad about a trait that so many of us wish we had. I bet you're gorgeous, anon :>
By chance your bf happened to have a fetish for small girls, you literally just had bad luck ending up with him. That's no reason to let it ruin your self esteem. What if your next bf has a fetish for tall amazonian women? Is that gonna give you another crisis over your appearance if you're not as tall as he prefers?
Guys can have fetishes for any body type but height is generally not a big deal for women, there is no universal preference for short women the way there is for tall men. Plenty of men like tall girls, even more simply just do not give a shit and care about an infinite amount of other attributes more.
It's common, a lot of people stay stagnant in a relationship because they're scared of change. Also if you were in a toxic
relationship where you were always put down or whatever you'll probably be even more unwilling to believe you could ever find someone to love you because the person you choose and told you they loved you changes and now act like you worst enemy blah blah blah. You're feeling betrayed and defeated. I've been there. It's a cliche but time will really heal it. You'll look back and blame yourself but it wasn't your fault. You needed to go through it to learn lessons for yourself and don't forget them. I made that mistake and gave a guy a lot of leeway with me just for it to blow up in my face with me picking up the pieces. It's even more annoying because it's not something you can proudly discuss too but you will feel stronger because of it. Good luck anon
I could use some support. I've been with my boyfriend for several years and have recently realized that I've come to accept the "bare minimum" as enough only because the relationship was terrible when it started. I was too naive to realize that love doesn't overcome all and the way he was treating me was not okay. At this stage he is no longer emotionally abusive (at least not with regularity), but that's kind of a low bar for my expectations.
When things are good they're incredible, but at least every other week he does something that hurts me, shows he's not very reliable and supportive, or otherwise lets me down. I am not a high maintenance partner, and I give 150% in relationships. Just once I would like to be with a man who does the same for me simply because he wants to, and not because I'm desperately trying to convince him of my worth. It's degrading and humiliating, and I believe (at last) I deserve better.
Still. I really love my boyfriend and want the best for him. Despite him not living up to my expectations, he makes me laugh, we have a ton of interests in common, he's creative and super smart. He is the biggest source of my happiness in life right now, despite also being the biggest source of my distress. We live together and the thought of moving is horrible, plus I don't want him to spiral and not take care of himself. But I realize these are all bad reasons to stay. My one hope is that he suddenly starts doing all the sweet, thoughtful and romantic things I'd always wanted from him, but I've given him ample time to show me he'd be willing to do those things. He has changed some, but I feel it's too little, late. I want to move on but I don't. I know I'd miss him terribly, but I feel like if he really was the right person for me, I wouldn't be having these feelings at all.
I've been in a similar situation and the two things that made me hang in there for so long were 'I don't want to move' and 'well he does the very odd thing that's nice and thoughtful' I reached a point where I realised couples counselling was needed if we were to stand any real chance of permanent change. I had already been in solo therapy in order to bring my best self to the table…but he wasn't willing to do therapy. That said everything that I needed to know.
Have you had couples therapy before? You say he's improved slightly over the years but still say there's infrequent emotional abuse so I would think it's only fair that you'd require him to take this seriously and get therapy or gtfo.
Thank you for your support and thoughts. It makes me feel a bit better to know someone else has gone through this and successfully moved on.
We have discussed individual and couple's counseling in the past. I ended up going for myself, he didn't (although he followed a therapy protocol alone at my suggestion). It got brought up again later, but because we ended up talking things out, nothing came of it. "He does the very odd thing that's nice and thoughtful" really hits home. I don't like feeling as if I'm begging for scraps of his affection. While I would've jumped at the idea earlier, at this point I'm the one reluctant to go to therapy because it feels like yet another thing I need to do to convince him of my worth. We've been together nearly three years, and as recently as a few weeks ago he told me he was uncertain about whether I was the most important thing in his life. But he apparently "knows now." I was all in at the start of our relationship, focusing on him and going out of my way to support him, but it took him THREE YEARS.
That's just insane to me. I felt hurt, again, but also not entirely surprised. His treatment of me has been characterized by inconsistency and selfishness this entire time. I made him aware of how he was hurting me, but he's never actively sought help to do/be better on his own. I don't begrudge him having other important areas of his life at all, but I feel you can have a balanced life while still prioritizing your partner. And he just hasn't done that for me. I appreciate you asking questions and letting me talk. It's helped make me feel more certain of what I need to do.
The guy I've been dating for the past 5 months broke up with me out of the blue because he doesn't have feelings for me and thinks he never will.
I feel completelty devastated. I did not expect this at all, we had just spent the weekend together and I had an awesome time. Things have been really intense lately (in a good sense for me) and I really thought things were going awesome. I had some doubts at the beginning of our relationship because we had some misunderstandings and communication issues, but we worked things out and things have become better and better recently. I feel shocked and embarrassed about the fact that throughout this whole time he didn't have any feelings for me, whereas I did.
He said that he is usually kind of slow at developing feelings, but in the past it has always happened after 3 months or so. He decided it would be better to end things now because after 5 months he still isn't feeling anything. I accept his decision, but I feel that the timing of the breakup is just a little off, as in the past two months we kept having 1 or 2 week breaks due to either one of us being on vacations, making it even more difficult to develop something. I really wish he had given it more time..
He said he really likes me, I'm the perfect package and he always had an awesome time with me and he doesn't understand himself why it just didn't happen. I can't stop thinking if there is something I could have done differently to make him fall for me.
I don't know what to do - I feel like there is no hope for us, but I can't help but wish that maybe we could try again. I was so happy to finally have found someone good for me and now, once again, I feel so unloved..
I've had a couple of short relationships where feelings fizzled out about as quickly as they started.. but it's pretty odd that he's making out that the feelings were never even there in the first place??
You wouldn't date, commit to the title of bf, spend weekends together (I assume sleep with each other) all while feeling nothing. It sounds like either the feeling came and left quickly or tbh it sounds like there could be another person. I've found that sudden breakups with weird explanations often mean that.
5 months is annoying but I've seen women dumped christmas week and told 'I lost feelings for you 6 months ago' At least summer break ups give you enough time to be truly over it before xmas/new years. I might just be grasping at straws to find a silver lining… Sorry you're going through this anon.
Thank you for your replies anons!
I am glad that he thinks of me as a great person, but indeed it makes things more complicated because now I can't help but wonder why I just wasn't enough for him.. Like, is there something I could have done better to make him fall for me?
Also I can't stop thinking that maybe, if he we had continued just a bit longer, he would have developed feelings etc.. On the other side I am glad he didn't string me along for too long though.
In this case I really don't think it's because he met someone else, although of course you never know. When we met two days ago to discuss things he explained to me how he really loved spending time with me, and each time before we would hang out he'd think "this time I'm finally gonna feel something" but it just never happened because something is missing.
I hope I'll be strong and not text him.. I really miss him already.
I honestly don't think so.. He said he's attracted to me when we had our breakup talk, and based on his behavior when we were together he did seem to be into me. Although you never know of course, maybe he lied.
He just said it's that little spark that was missing. Whatever that means..
In my mind the spark usually means
'amazing person I always want to see again where there's a lot of attraction'
I feel like he's lying about something, either to save your feelings or cover up his own secrets. You never get answers when the dump-er does that. Been there and tbh his lack of just blatant honestly caused me way more suffering. I couldn't get closure because I knew he made no sense in his explanation. It made me hang onto false hope.
I wonder if I should contact him again to ask him what exactly was missing in his opinion/ to be 100% honest?
I regret not asking those questions the other day, but I was just too overwhelmed with the whole situation and couldn't think clearly, so I just went with his explanation.
Please don’t anon, i feel for you but this guy sounds really nice to at least give you a clear explanation.
You HAVE your closure, he simply didn’t develop feelings for you. I’ve been there myself.
I have been in relationships in the past where there was a spark, and now I can tell when I like someone but don’t like LIKE them, so it’s probably the same for him.
I understand how you feel about feeling unloved but you clearly can attract people and not just for hookups, so there’s nothing wrong with your looks or personality. It just means that the person who will be genuinely excited and want to be intense with you is right around the corner but it’s not this one dude.
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A bit of a vent incoming. I broke up with my ex messily almost 2 years ago and I think I truly am over her but sometimes something reminds me of her or our relationship and I get a huge rush of emotions. I was in a bad place at the time and honestly a shitty girlfriend, now I'm a better person in a healthier relationship but I still wish I could apologize to her. Most of the time I'm of the "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" mindset where I can appreciate the good times and accept and learn from the bad but times like tonight I can't stop crying and staring at her locked instagram that I can't view anymore (since I softblocked her a while ago). I miss her so much I just want her to be happy.
>>154114>that im awesome, always been supportive, etc.
It sounds like being in a relationship with you was a learning experience and net positive for him, I'd call that a win! Honestly the fact you're concerned about this at all tells me you're a good person, so I wouldn't stress over it. In my eyes and just about all of society's, your relationship was totally healthy. (And I'm saying this as someone who was
once a teenager with a much older partner.) Whoever you end up with next is lucky to have a partner who will be conscious of their needs and maturity level.
I'm sorry you're going through this anon and I know it's hard. If I might make some recommendations, you know this guy hurt you and only ended up making you feel worse about yourself. That's not someone you want back in your life. As you say, you're missing the companionship in general, even if it was a poor excuse for it. Getting ghosted may not be fun, but it's honestly 100x better than someone who puts you down for your interests. You made the choice to open up to your ex, and now you can make that choice again with people who may feel neutral at "worst" but interested and happy to know you at best. Chances for social fulfillment are much higher going that route than being with someone you know is toxic
It could be helpful if you joined some groups relating to hobbies or interests you have. Whether there's anything in person or just an online group like a Discord, subreddit, Facebook group, etc. You will have an outlet to discuss some of the things you like with other people who enjoy them as well. The level of interaction may feel more shallow at first, but at least it will help you get re-acclimatized to normal interactions.
alright, this is gonna sound really pathetic now that i put it into words… i fell in love with a guy who was playing multiple other girls. i really liked him, and he said he liked me too. i'm a megavirgin, like i've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, nothing. it's so embarrassing when i'm 18 and most of my friends have/had partners and have lost their virginity. we began talking a good while ago and he was so nice, let me talk about my problems but he never spoke about his..
i always asked how he was, even when he'd leave me on delivered for over 16 hours i'd always reply back within 10 minutes to an hour at most.
i talked to another girl he knew and she had the same thing except he actually cared for her. he called her pet-names and had her as his wallpaper, he had done way more with her than me despite him outright stating he liked me.
i have nothing against her other than pure humiliation, a pretty girl like her going up against me- i'm out.
i really liked him. i did. he told me he didn't talk to other girls and he only had eyes on me, why is my first love already ruined?
i know this is so fucking stupid, and yes it's my fault for falling in love when i know nothing about it aside from watching romance animes in middle school but fuck, this hurts
>>155326>it's so embarrassing when i'm 18 and most of my friends have/had partners and have lost their virginity.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. This societal push for children to have sex earlier and earlier before they have the full capacity to understand the physical and emotional repercussions of said act is disgusting, and even if kids were more equipped to handle it, every person is allowed to move forward on their own time. Sex is just mashing some body parts together, it's not any more ~mature~ and meaningful than choosing to style your hair or get a massage. People who hold it up as some sort of grand accomplishment are stupid and trying to make themselves feel important. It can feel good, but typically only when you have a partner who respects and cares for you. Casual sex is extremely overrated, especially for women.
>why is my first love already ruined?
What you felt was not love, it was infatuation and idealization.
>it's my fault for falling in love when i know nothing about it
You aren't at fault for being taken advantage of by an asshole. It happens to the best of people. You're still learning about the world and developing as a person. I do ask that you try and think about what love means to you. That word gets thrown around so loosely these days and misrepresented in media that it tends to lose meaning. Love is not just "strong feelings of affection" for someone. That's part of it, but that alone is just infatuation, which is ultimately shallow. Love is also a choice and respect, it's wanting the best for the other person while also wanting the best for yourself (something many people don't understand). You have to value yourself before you can properly vet who deserves
your love, and this guy didn't.
That's normal. Take the hurt and acknowledge it, but don't brood over it. I promise you will look back on this moment one day and just shake your head at how silly and transient it was. I recommend you try and refocus your thoughts on loving yourself and picturing the type of future you want. People you choose to have in your life should serve to improve it, not bring you down.
relationships are generally not 100% awful all the time, otherwise so many people wouldn't stay in them. The good moments shouldn't "make up" for abusive
Thank you so much. I'm sorry you're going through it too. The way you described it is perfect, a habit that gets fed when I indulge it. I went a while without speaking to him and felt fine, but one day I sent him something that reminded me of our jokes, and that progress came crashing down. I felt a need to keep his attention again. It sucks and is so weird because I know better about him and it's over, but you're right it's 100% a weird psychological habit.
So thank you, and I'm gonna have to think about that second half of your reply. I know for a fact I still struggle with self-esteem, so it's probably that. "what are you scared of?" is a super deep question I'll have to think over because it has many answers I think. probably I'm scared to think for myself and exist for myself and be secure in it. It's kinda hard to change this mindset of needing someone's validation so badly, but you gave me a lot of hope and pointed me in the right direction. Tysm and good luck for you too btw!!
I started therapy a while back and finally got enough self respect, self esteem and courage to leave my bf of about 5 years. It has been a couple of months now and I am doing so much better than I ever have, and one of the only things I'm upset about is that I didn't leave him earlier. We started dating when I was in my early 20s and he in his mid 30s which I didn't realize was fucked up until much later. Everything started nicely, but he slowly started to turn into a real piece of manipulating shit who even told me that I shouldn't start therapy, and if I do, I shouldn't mention him in my sessions. He tried to change my views and was super upset that I am a feminist and we often argued about it because "feminism bad, women stupid" and after discussing everything with my therapist I realized that I don't have to take it and I'm not the one to take all of the blame and that it would be better for me to be selfish this one time and end the relationship, especially since I was a bit toxic in the relationship as well.
I am so fucking happy that I am able to work on myself and who I am and want to be without someone trying to gaslight me and guilt me into being something I'm not. I feel so free and light and positive about my future now. I wish everything good to all the anons in this thread struggling, and I hope you find the courage to walk away from things you're not okay with. It's hard, but you need to do it for your own sanity. It's not bad to cut off people, especially if they are good and nice only sometimes, and abusive, mean and toxic the rest of the time.
Had a similarly bad relationship with a similar age gap.. spent 3 years with him and the slip from being treated well to being treated like dirt was gradual enough for me to somehow rationalize it as not being plain old abuse. I didn't even dump mine but getting dumped lifted a huge weight. I didn't realise how heavy it all weighed on me til I was out of there and able to wake up every morning without feeling a knot in my stomach.
When I was depressed (understandable given his treatment of me) he wanted me to medicate but not seek out therapy…He told me his last ex wanted relationship therapy and he refused that, now he was telling me I couldn't even get therapy by myself for myself? I put up with that for a while but eventually I had a psychiatrist point out that I may be on the high functioning end of the spectrum and that I should seek out a late diagnosis even if I'm generally functioning ok. The fact that I now had a new team of people seeing me and wanting to talk to me scared the shit out of this guy! There was at times physical abuse, there had been sexual pushiness, he'd isolated me from family. I get why he didn't want me to see professionals.
He flipped from talking about us getting a mortgage together to suddenly dumping me before my assessment date could come around. He was in a rush to get me out of his life before that date. He'd been so controlling and possessive up to that point but suddenly the heat was on him and he couldn't get out quick enough. I've been getting actual therapy and processing those events for a while now. It's amazing how much we can ignore clear warning signs. Going through that gives me some insight on why many in this thread put up with what should be clearcut dumpable/abusive
behaviour. I get it.
so im not sure if i was just broken up with or not bc he might be being a little immature rn so an outside perspective would be greatly appreciated. Granted i'm also childish and should've never gotten into a relationship… we might both be retarded but I feel like he's rightfully upset. anyways, I'm basically really insecure and need lots of reassurance, to say I'm clingy is an understatement, I'm also a bit controlling? like wanting to know what he was busy doing if he didn't answer my calls/messages etc. honestly idk if it's controlling, I've just always wanted to just know, I wouldn't tell him to stop or anything, just knowing is nice. Maybe because I'm transparent and never had an issue telling him I was going to be busy doing x thing i expected the same in return. he had no issue telling me at the beginning of our relationship but then idk when it started but he stopped/changed and would only occasionally tell me. he'd always be busy doing the same stuff so maybe he never felt a need to tell me and assumed I'd know it was one of those same two-three things he always did. I may or may not have some issues, idk what they are but i'm sure theyre there, something to do with cptsd or something, but too poor to get diagnosed let alone be properly treated. this made me dump a lot of baggage on him, even though I was trying to hold back as much as possible because ik it wouldn't solve anything. It was just nice having someone to vent to and hear me. then this one time he said something that made it seem like he's annoyed or indifferent or like he doesn't like me. he reassured me he doesnt hate me but the feelings never really left. they would come and go and i would bring them up looking for reassurance again and again. Most of those times i would just happen to be feeling lower than usual, remember how he made me feel, and sulk more. I've always felt bad about myself and had these mood swings independently of what he did or didn't do but that one instance exacerbated it and threw me in this never ending cycle of neediness. So with my self awareness I told him I needed to stop talking to/seeing him for at least a month but i also needed his help and have him be the one that blocks me everywhere because if I were the one to do it I'd just unblock him. I figured this would force me to emotionally detach and not rely on him so much, being with him was just bound to trigger me at some point during whatever interaction, because i overthink and value what he thinks of me too much, and it would also help him not feel guilty, because he'd have to reassure and comfort me every time, plus i didn't want him to get tired of me. i told him something like this about three times, explaining more than i did the last, and he seemed understanding, would give me my space. then this last time i told him about the blocking me everywhere/no contact for a whole month, and this he didn't seem to want to do, so i didn't reply to his messages/calls until six days later. what made me react like this was me telling him that if he at least liked me (platonically) he'd do this for me and block me, and he just dismissed it and kept joking around. Obvi this made me start thinking about what it meant, ik, i shouldve asked. I realized this 6 days later. but i was too caught up on what i thought/think it meant/means. i thought he was finally admitting to disliking me, without saying it, for whatever reason. honestly i still dont get why he didnt block me, so this is what makes most sense. after the 6 days i replied to his messages like normal, he wasnt answering calls. then he replied to my msg with a gif of a dog, which i still dont even know what its trying to convey smfh. he didn't send anything else, so i just bombarded him with messages of why i hadn't replied and apologized. honestly i think i shouldve never just came back and replied after 6 days like normal, i shouldve started off with the reason i hadnt replied, but i figured he wouldnt mind since i had done it before, plus the reason i wanted him to stop talking to me in the first place was so i would stop overwhelming him with my feelings. he then replied after four days but only after i asked him to at least tell me if he was okay because i was worrying, and he said that he was, that he just thought i didn't want to talk because i never replied (???). ok, so obviously he was upset so i apologized again and explained even more so than i did the time before, not accusing him of anything mind you, just baring my heart out and admitting to what i was insecure about, i was being specially careful to emphasize how it was a me issue, and how his lack of communication(not telling me what he was up to, which could very easily be about control?) didn't make it better and actually made me prone to think bad stuff about him(he's cheating). and ya, that was the last time i heard from him. idk if he decided to do me the favor of not talking to me like i'd asked him to, but he hasnt blocked me anywhere, i can still message him, which more than defeats the point. i havent either for a day or so now. i also tried baiting him by asking if i should assume i was right about everything… he's not budging so idk if there's ever going to be an answer clearer than that and i should start the process of moving on. it's been five days, so maybe he'll reply some time today? i've done the same before so i feel guilty interpreting this as a breakup the one time he does it. but i also understand he must think i'm crazy and tbh i definitely am unstable. i just dont know what to think.
anywho, is he done with me for good or not anons? if it turns out he's somehow miraculously not, should i spare him from myself and end things? i love him so much. sorry about the blogpost btw
Literally none of this is love. It doesn't even sound like you were dating. I don't know what he was using you for, but he clearly was not that into you if your behaviour doesn't concern him and he hasn't set any boundaries to help you heal throughout the relationship. Honestly, I doubt he even read the long messages you sent explaining yourself. On the off-chance that he did, he obviously didn't care enough to comprehend them.
So you're not "sparing him" by cutting contact because it's clear he doesn't give a shit about you either way. The real miracle would be your realisation that you deserve better than a Discord e-date who sends gifs when you've just had a week-long breakdown.
I think you might have a mood disorder, made worse by low self-esteem and unresolved trauma. At least you have enough self-awareness to know that absolutely none of this is normal behaviour, so that's a good place to start. It sounds like you want to have your problems heard and understood by others, so it would be helpful to build a support group of (female) friends, or otherwise rely on family when possible.
Aside from that, you will most certainly benefit from learning to cope with your symptoms on the day-to-day. Read some self-help books about healing from trauma. Journal about your life and where it all went wrong. Find something to do with your energy besides obsess over your current romantic interest.
If nothing else, please move on from this worthless scrote who does not and never did love you.
we only met twice right before covid19 lockdowns in our state.. so you're right ig. We had dates planned late last year/beginning of this year set up and he cancelled too which is when ii shouldve stopped talking to him looking back on it now. I feel like he's taking me for granted because he knows there's a high likelihood of me being available whenever, ie I dont casually date, but i dont want him to start thinking he can waltz out of my life when i get difficult. or maybe thats selfish? yeah i also dont know what he may have been using me for, maybe an ego stroke? but hes already a talented person so i dont get why he'd need to do this….
he sent that gif before i explained how id been feeling those six days i went MIA so i really want to believe he was just wanting for me to tell him? or for me to acknowledge how i made him feel. but then i made it all about myself again in an attempt to get him to understand it wasnt about him (and honestly for some reassurance and for him to calm my worries down like hed done countless times before too).
I also didn't mention this but early on he brought up exactly
this, how he disliked and found it emotionally immature to ignore someone you're dating/getting to know romantically for a day or two, so i cant help but feel this is all my fault, because ive continuously pushed a boundary of his. I mean, ig he never said
it was a dealbreaker persay, but he made me aware this would ruffle his feathers. I dont think he would've overlooked my behaving in what he considers an "emotionally immature" way if he didnt at least care a little bit about me? This also was the longest time i've went completely silent on him – it would be max 2 days before – so I'm not sure if i opened an old wound of his or something. Or maybe I'm just trying to be way too understanding, I can't fit all the context in here and I'm hoping the answer is different with all of it in perspective? idk i just feel incredibly guilty and like i shouldn't be crying because I
was the one that started all of this and shouldn't be complaining now that I'm getting a dose of my own medicine. or maybe he was just waiting for an easy way out and this was the best time to do so….
my boyfriend of over three years broke up with me today because he no longer finds me really attractive, wants to date around and lost romantic feelings for me. it just sucks so much because he put down my appearance so much whilst we were together and would make fun of me a lot, but he also felt like my best friend and we had a lot of laughs together. i lost 20kgs and went from fat to a healthy weight in the last year, and i think he found me more attractive with more weight on me. he used to shit on women a lot, spoke to me very condescendingly and was literally depressed and crazy, but i stayed foolishly hoping it would get better and he would get better. i invested so much of myself in this relationship, i feel really bad that it’s over and on some level, i miss him but also realise he was maybe not good for me at all. he says he still “loves” me but i don’t think he even understands what it means to love somebody properly. what hurts the most is just feeling like i’m not good looking enough to satisfy a person, and that they’ll always crave something else. i’m not the prettiest, but i have some nice features and have had some really cute guys like me before. i know men are all about sexual novelty or whatever, and it just depresses me. i just want someone to hug me. how do i go about rebuilding my self esteem?
I hate to be this harsh but you're so self-effacing it's unreal. I've been caught up in the same patterns before and I assure you, you are making things worse by acting like a human doormat. These people that you love? The ones that you're desperate for caretaking from? They are extremely turned off by your self-pity and unassertiveness. In your efforts to take responsibility for everything and ask for nothing, you only push people away. The only people attracted to that behaviour are abusive
freaks without a shred of empathy or compassion, and you can rest assured those types will never
care to listen to or understand you.
>i dont want him to start thinking he can waltz out of my life when i get difficult. or maybe thats selfish?
It's not selfish. This doesn't sound like a committed relationship, but in a true partnership, he doesn't get to ignore you on bad days. You deserve loyalty and consistency. The bargain bin moid should be held accountable for the cold way he treats you.
>I dont think he would've overlooked my behaving in what he considers an "emotionally immature" way if he didnt at least care a little bit about me?
No. If he cared about you, he would assert himself and not let it slide. You're not doing yourself any favours by ghosting potential partners. If he cared, he would be encouraging you to find healthier solutions, helping you cope, and putting his foot down when you're out of line.
Did you forget boundaries are good things? You are supposed to have them. In fact they strengthen all relationships, romantic or otherwise.
>maybe I'm just trying to be way too understanding,
I'm sorry Anon but he got bored of you. If he ever cared for you at all (unlikely), it's gone now. There's no need to make excuses for him because any outside observer can see that he's not worth all this turmoil. Sure he might be talented, as you say, but that's no excuse to be so flippant and cruel. You deserve to feel secure in your relationships.
Please get better standards. Work on your self-esteem and how you cope with spiraling thoughts. It sounds like you have some very serious unresolved issues that are interfering with your daily life. Again I really encourage you to find ways to heal from your past trauma, even if you must do it by yourself. It sucks to lose someone you used to lean on, but that ship has sailed.
How the fuck do people stay in relationships for many years and still be unwilling to commit? By commit, I mean conceptualize and vocalize ideas about the future and make plans beyond "bf/gf living in an apartment."
More than anything, I dislike this quality in men. All the men I've dated have left me after dating for 3-5 years. I've never gotten a straight answer other than empty platitudes - they seemed so cowardly in these moments. It kills me seeing their faces, normally beaming with joy, happiness, and confidence, contort into such ugliness when I bring up marriage or moving into a house. WHY? This should be something happy, just like the rest of everything we do. Right? Love, laughter, etc. Wouldn't more permanent commitment be an exciting thing?
So yeah.. I just got dumped for the 4th time in my adult life. Serious LTR - about 6 years. We shared everything and I mean everything. At this point, I feel like just saying fuck it. Just giving up entirely on ever finding romantic happiness. What is the fucking point of this? Is it me? Is it that I'm bad at discerning these people's ~true nature~ when we're just in the beginning stages of dating? Do I project my own feelings onto them and misinterpret their displays of love? For years and years?
Honestly. I don't want to do it again. I'm talented, I work hard and have a great job, I'm super loving/affectionate and loyal, and I'm pretty cute so wtf anons. I know I want this but it seems like the universe just doesn't want me to have it.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks to anyone who read it.
hi you guys im this >>172380
anon again kek. I'm not really looking for advice, i know what the answer is even if i don't want to acknowledge it rn………….. just wanting to vent, anywho
We just split up last night for good, yay, and i got my closure, kinda, he wasnt honest from the beginning so idk how much of what he said is true yknow ,, i have no idea what was ever genuine or not anymore so ill just give u guys the context and it'd be nice to read what your takes on it is? i have a few of my own as well but anyways, I gave him until no later than 9 pm last night to reply, to tell me if i hurt him in any way and he needed more time or i was going to take it as ghosting and him no longer wanting to talk to me. That's all I said in the morning, so i gave him plenty of time. I did it that way because i knew if he were to be busy it was most likely going to be in the morning and not the afternoon/night. Plus I had given him enough time already, so I wasn't feeling too generous, I just wanted to get this over with asap and not waste any more of my time and prolong how hurt i feel.
I'm ngl, I had a tab minimized that i would maximize every 30 mins-1hr to check if he had replied. The day felt long asf and the pain slowly got worse and worse as 9pm neared. it was an awful realization, like being burned alive. then his time was up and unsurprisingly, not a peep from him :( i originally planned on just hitting block but i decided to tell him how i just realized literally just a minute prior that i didn't love HIM but rather love the guy he pretended to be, because that kind of guy wouldn't ghost, he would just be honest, that i enjoyed the time i spent with him and hoped he could someday become the kind of guy he pretended to be. then i told him i was deleting my acct so if he sent any msgs and i didnt reply that would be why. Idk if this is what prompted him to reply but he did! immediately!… yes, i felt happy, but also really disappointed that he was just going to leave me without closure…. I'm not sure at this point if it'd been better had he not replied, because now im just left wondering, so many things, like maybe he wasn't going to reply because he really thought I wouldn't stop talking to him ever and would patiently wait, or because i really hurt his ego when i told him i didn't love him. Or maybe, he thought I'd already deleted my account or was about to and would never read it, which i'm not sure how to feel about.
Anyways, he apologized and told me he was just thinking a ton and thought maybe it was better for us not to talk for now or ever because he was under constant realization that he was not ready for a serious relationship and probably wasn't going to be for a while, that he wasn't a quality man for reasons other than the ones I thought and that's why he didn't deserve someone like me, that I deserve someone better because I'm amazing (yeah ok),that he hates he made me have to think about it this much but just didn't know how to explain without possibly hurting me and then thanked me for the time i spent w him…. I sat on that for a good 20 minutes, thinking whether i should reply or not and ofc i did! i told him that it hurt more not hearing from him more than it would've had he just told me he was uninterested or whatever, i told him i saw it as a good sign he at least replied late (don't ask me why i thought he would care what i thought was a good sign or not, idk either) and that he should work on his self esteem because he was the only person holding himself back from becoming the quality man he pretended to be. I told him i obviously had issues i had work through myself too, and that i was open to maybe hearing from him in the future if he was too, just to see where we were and if we feel the same way we do now(assuming he feels any way about me ha!),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I saw him "typing",,,, and then he didn't, but then he was typing again, and then not,,,,, and then i didnt know if he was just messing with me at that point and told him i just deleted his number, that it would prob make my day hearing from him again someday, but i wasnt expecting to hear from him ever again, that I couldn't make it any more easier for him and that i'd be gone for good now, couldn't bother him even if i wanted to, so he won't have to feel guilty about not replying anymore, gave him my number again and told him it was just in case it wasnt even saved and because it would give me peace of mind knowing that if i never heard from him again it wasn't because of me having assumed he had my number or even messages in his phone at that point. i waited to see if he was going to say anything (i know i know lol but it was for a teenie tiny bit) and then wished him luck and deleted my account. I slept well knowing that the ball was in his court now, and also because im stuck on him saying that we shouldn't talk for now…..just, the "for now" part…like, i'm holding on to a little hope he'll surprise me by wanting to know about how i'm doing some day. probably not good if i want to move on right? all in all i feel veryrelieved
Honestly anon, I can't say for sure since I don't know the situation but it sounds like they never saw you as wife material. You can be talented, smart, pretty and loyal but if they don't find you interesting, you'll be a forever gf.
Also re: being super loving and affectionate, I haven't been in a whole lot of relationships but I've noticed a certain pattern. Every time I fall hard for a guy and try very hard to please him, he gets turned off. All of those relationships eventually turn sour or even downright abusive
. Every "good" relationship I've been in, they were chasing me down to put a ring on me or move in together because I wasn't really interested or affectionate outside of what they had to offer me (favors or paying for things usually). They might be the smartest, hottest, kindest guy out there but if I'm not interested I'll only stick around until someone I'm actually into comes along because it's easier than having to do everything alone.
So maybe those guys feel the same way. In which case it would do you good to be less available and not so eager to please. It's a shitty mind game but that's relationships between men and women for you.
They want regular sex and free housework/someone to split bills. That and whatever other perks they're getting without commitment. If a perceived 'better woman' comes along they're staying open to dumping the old string-along gf in a heartbeat.
I've already done the whole marriage thing, it didn't last the first time so I wouldn't do it again. But the thing is..even when they commit…it just means more of a legal headache when they can still split in a heartbeat. Out of all my partners, my husband dumped me by text. Went back to live with his parents and when I went there to talk to him his parents opened the door and said he wasn't home (his car was outside) that happened several times and I just gave up on the idea of saying goodbye or sorting out our shared accounts outside of a courtroom. It was like when two teenagers fall out and parents intervene with 'oh he's not here' as he probably stands at the top of the stairs listening in lol
I'm sorry about what you're going through. I know that after my break ups I usually think about all the time I sunk into a dead end so I'm sure you're grieving what feels like the loss of 6 years right now.
I've broken up with my bf this Monday and it's just so surreal.. It's been like a fever dream since than, constant underlying anxiety I can't push away.
We had really nice moments, spent more than 2 years together but in the end he lied to my face, hid events he was going to, badmouthed and lied shitty stuff about me- sorry, "vented" mainly to his female friends, let them make fun of me, always prioritised his bro friends over our plans (even cancel last minute to go drinking). I caught him flirting with a girl he used to date over dms 6 months into our relationship and he got so angry he broke his phone, in the end convinced me he was just 'clueless and liked compliments'. He also didn't understand consent very well. He would always turn everything on me so I'd end up feeling shitty and like a villain.
But man, we did have so many good moments too. Much more than the bad shit. Parents loved him. Traveled, talked and messenged every day, send each other nice texts, give compliments, presents. Watched so many movies together. Never went to sleep without saying good night. We had our sense of humor and he was my best friend. On the surface, he was amazing.
Today morning, he sent me a text that he wants to come pick up a hard disk with some photos of us (since he lost about a year of photos from the start or our relationship when he broke his newer phone last year).
Why? I have to go through photos of us, filter it and move it into one single folder he can copy. It's gonna take me over an hour at least. I don't want to look at our photos. Why does is even matter to him? Why does he care more about losing fucking photos than he did about losing me?
And I said okay because I just want it all to be over and him to not have reason to contact me again. I should have told him no.
He's such an egoist I don't even know if he's doing this to try to get back together or just really thinks he deserves to have photos of him back. Or if he's mental and wants to become friends (hell no). I don't want to see his face again. He's always so smug and cold.
And he started with
"Hi, how are you? :)" as if nothing happened. He never apologised, nothing. He blamed me for everything, last time tried to throw me out at 2 in the morning. He can fuck off with fucking ":)".
I just feel like shit over this all, so stressed and heartbroken.
>>174313>I have to go through photos of us, filter it and move it into one single folder he can copy.
Yeah, you definitely don’t have to do any of this. Not your fault he chimped out on his phone after emotionally cheating. Is it really necessary to sort photos or can you just make a zip file of everything, upload it to Google docs or some other sharing service, and send him a link? You can also just say no, you won’t be providing him with photos. You’re broken up now and by all accounts it sounds like he was a shitty partner. You don’t owe him anything.
I’m not unsympathetic, I broke up with an ex I shared a lot of good times with as well, but he was similarly an abusive
piece of shit. People aren’t totally black and white but that doesn’t excuse the fact that they’ve wronged you badly and the relationship wasn’t working out due to lack of real love and respect. It’s important to set boundaries in the aftermath of a relationship, especially with toxic
one like this. If you want to do this last thing for him fine, but then tell him you’re no longer comfortable interacting with him. Block him and go no contact. Time and space are the only ways you’re going to be able to sort yourself out. Even negative rumination on this idiot is going to slow down your healing, but seeing him in person or continuing to talk to him is going to make it 100x more difficult. It’s still fresh and painful now, but eventually you’ll be happy to be free of him. Laying it out clearly: He was/is a liar, cheater, abuser, egoist, rapey and continually put you at the bottom of his priority list. No great loss regardless of how many good times you shared. You can spend that time with people more worthy of you in the future.
Yeah, I'm gonna do that. Just upload it and send him a link.
Stupid parts of me want to meet him and see him making some grand apologetic gesture, forget it all and just get to the way it was before, chill and joke together, but I know 1) he'd never do that because he doesn't think he's wrong 2) it's stupid as fuck to want when he treated me like he did lately. I have to have some boundaries.
Part of me feels like I'm making it all worse than it really was, it's such a shitty feeling.
But he did declare "I dump you" faster than I could say anything when I wanted to tell him I want to break up, so I guess I should have no regrets.
Good, I’m glad you’re protecting yourself. I do understand the temptation. You want him to magically become the great person you always thought he could be or was some of the time. But the bad parts were just as much a part of him and can’t be ignored. When people do change, and it’s incredibly rare for someone so entitled to do so, it takes years of hard work and the personal desire to follow through. It’s been a week. You already know all he wants to do is pretend nothing happened and go back to leeching off you, whether that’s emotionally, sexually or just for another ego boost. He’s unfortunately too immature and incapable of giving you the closure you desire, so you have to come to terms with it on your own.
Immediately post breakup it’s easy to idealize and fixate on all the good times because they’ve suddenly been yanked away from you, but just keep reading your post about all the terrible things he did and think of what you’d say to a girlfriend in the same situation. You’d hate her giving any more time/energy to someone so manipulative, trashy and self-centered, right? The same should go for you. It’s normal to feel a lot of difficult emotions but you don’t have to get swept away by them. I’m glad that you got away from this asshole and can slowly start to refocus on yourself.
>>174380>he broke up with me cuz I lied about my degree, where I study and having a secret twitter account>I don't see the big deal but whatever he was very offended for some reason
Seriously, anon? You lied to him. Not about small petty shit, either. A whole-ass degree and where you went to uni/college. That's so messed up. I'm sorry you got dumped, but if you cannot see why lying is a problem go get help so you don't feel the need to compulsively lie and instigate relationships with people you have zero chemistry with.
>I know I would cheat if I have the opportunity and I wouldn't be sad if they cheated on me too>I texted my ex while dating him so I clearly didn't care about him
Get therapy. This shows you have zero self-esteem and respect for yourself. Very very self-destructive behaviour. You could possibly hurt more people you get into relationships by lying and cheating on them.
You're right, I guess I needed to hear this I don't know why I thought people would sympathise with me. In my defense when I lied about my degree/uni it was the first day we met and I didn't think we'd talk for long so I said some random uni and degree then didn't bother to correct it after, it wasn't like this premeditated lie to make myself look better which is why in my mind it seemed like a white lie, knowing that information about me wouldn't affect his life so I thought it was unimportant but he made a big deal out of me lying and than the lie itself. In retrospect I was clearly being selfish and maybe I do have a lying problem, the way I justified is if he lied to me the same way I wouldn't be bothered, now I see I shouldn't have judged it this way, his feelings are valid
and it wasn't okay. I will apologise to him and refrain from dating until I sort myself.>>174388
I couldn't tell you, I think I'm content with my life right now. I'm moving out and stressed about uni in general but those are not real issues. Also I worded myself incorrectly I don't really seek a relationship I just want to like someone and not force myself to be attracted to them after I get into the relationship, most of my relationships just kinda happen because the other person pesters me to be in a relationship and I just go along with it. I now see this behaviour is not fair for the other person because I'm not being honest to them with how I feel. Maybe I'm just a bad partner or there are some deeply rooted issues around love I'm not conscious of because I'm very affectionate towards my friends, its just this particular area of my life. I'll try therapy.
Even though my ex was shitty in a lot of areas and we absolutely can't get back together, I find myself sad and depressed because I miss having someone close I can talk to whenever. I thought I was moving on but it all fall back onto me two times as hard. It's like I lost my best friend and support. I want to tell someone about my day, wish someone a good night, encourage and get that in return. The days are so boring now, wake up, study, eat, work, exercise, browse internet, sleep alone.
It's been roughly two/three weeks but I'm not sure what to do. I feel like getting a rebound/starting a new relationship because I'm very lonely but not sure it's okay to start dating so soon when I'm still hurting. Plus I have exams soon and don't have time.
Bad thing is, I can't even concentrate on studying because I'm so down and tired. When I study, I get these flashbacks of stuff we did together, memories of our travelling and so on. I planned some friend meet ups but since I don't talk daily now (home-office, online class, only talk to family) my social skills are getting rusty and I don't even look forward to meeting friends because I have to try hard to socialise.
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my boyfriend of 6 months just broke up w me over text and i feel like shit. he went back home a few weeks ago to see his family, and he was very slow to reply to texts. he came back to the city on thursday, but only saw his friends and not me before he went back home. this was like a 5 hour drive, and I'm pretty sure he didn't fly. i texted him angry about it, but he didn't respond. i tried to call him yesterday, bc i could tell it was pretty much over, but he wouldn't answer. he texted me today and broke up w me. he said the reason he didn't pick up was bc he wanted to "enjoy his weekend and not have to think about this". I'm so angry I wasted 6 months on a man like that. :( i don't know why he suddenly stopped caring about me.
Hope you stayed strong anon. You can get through this!
I have abandonment issues too, feel like the pain of break ups is always insanely magnified by that. Don't rush out and have rebound sex (or go back to an ex for sex) you know you'll only regret it. Treat yourself to a fancy sex toy if you don't have one.
He's doing those things now because he has
. A lot of times by staying in unequal relationships we're unintentionally enabling scrotes to be useless sacks of shit. Because if we're their personal maids and taking care of the cleaning, cooking and car maintenance why would they bother? Just because he's been forced to be a more competent adult doesn't necessarily mean he's happier or a better person, he's just going through the necessary motions to avoid living in utter squalor or becoming a hobo. Even if he is feeling better about himself now, it's a very poor reflection on him that it took the extreme repurcussion of losing his partner of five years to get his act together. That has nothing to do with your value, it's simple human nature. People don't change unless there are consequences, and sometimes they have to be really heavy to overcome years of ingrained habits. Don't let your ego try and make his
behavior about you. You showed that you believe you do have worth by leaving someone who wasn't pulling their weight and not treating you with the care and love you deserve.
Like other anon said, 6 months is better than wasting years at least. Getting out early like that can be a hidden blessing.
I spent the last 3 years of my twenties in a (in retrospect) doomed relationship. It was destined to crash and burn. After we broke up I got health news that greatly affects my daily life now so for a while I really mourned all the things I could've done with those 3 years if I had known.
I'd consider getting out at 6 months a win. Text message break ups suck though. Feels disrespectful to end it that way. Do you think he met someone else back home and doesn't want to admit it? Just the timing of his visits and lack of contact..would make me wonder.
Men get awfully motivated when they want to either attract a brand new partner or impress a newly attained partner. They'll often then slide back into old habits once they feel secure with a gf long term. I hate it.
When I showed up to my exes place for the first time I remember his apartment was spotlessly clean. He lived alone and had to have done it himself. Moved in with him and never saw him clean a thing after that. Guy claimed to not even see dirty dishes and mess, but he sure did when he first had me around? I wouldn't read into it as personal. That's a frustratingly common thing and his future gfs might very well be treated to the same treatment as you.
They whisper sweet lies into your ears to get a relationship and then they get you to stay with them as much as they need to.
It's good to be bi
Ok. I posted the other day in the relationship advice, but I'm not at this stage.
We were together for 4.5 years. Lived together for 4. He had deep sexual trauma that manifested in anxiety with anything intimate, even sitting on the couch relaxed became stressful. I have my own trauma and am codependent. Over the years I got into therapy, got diagnosed and adjusted my meds. I've come a long way, though I still have work to do. My illness prevented a lot of normal relationship functions. I also sent nudes to someone online for validation, though I have no feelings. Got found out, tbh thankfully I was in deep denial, and it ruined my idyllic relationship. I'm trying to see the problems, my codependency requiring me to have 'back up' plans, even though I have no desire for them when plan a falls through, preventing me from letting go of control.
Anyways I'm fucked up, I fucked up someone I knew I would hurt, I feel like I'm too much.
People are telling I did my best, I'm really shocked at my friend's response to rally around me and be so understanding. Because I've always demonized infidelity.
I hate myself, I wake up panicked and missing our life we dreamt together. We were looking at houses together…
Dw, I have a therapist.
I'm sorry anon. Not much to do other than let yourself feel the emotions, experience the catharsis of a cry, and keep moving on. I've had a lot of those moments myself. Most days I don't think about him much, or if I do it's in anger and shame, but then I'll remember the thoughtful things he did or how we used to laugh. How we'd finish each other's sentences and understood one another when he wasn't being garbage. But that doesn't make the hurtful things he did okay, and it doesn't mean I want him back. Something I've found helpful is thinking of what a truly ideal relationship would look like for me, and when I do, there's none of the abuse he put me through, none of the cutting comments, not even his more benign cowardice or lack of initiative when it came to being better. In my weakest moments my picture of romantic utopia may look exactly like him… except without all his negative qualities. So I realize in reality, that's still not
him. There are billions of men in world and should I ever want to give someone else a chance, I'm certain there are plenty of people out there who can put in far more effort than he did. It's the same for you, and it's okay to mourn the good things you shared, but the world has much better in store. Keep looking at what you've gained and the possibilities ahead rather than the meager comforts you've lost.
From the moment he left he made it feel like any contact I tried to make with him was pretty much just me harassing him. I know that realistically ending a marriage requires a few convos to sort out the loose ends..but being made to feel like some crazy harrasser made me give up very fucking quickly. I think weeks after he left I gave up all hope of communication and I left the divorce process in his court for the same reason. He left so he can be the one sorting that out.
I also feel like it's very likely he fed his parents and friends some version of events that makes me look like I deserved ghosting? I refuse to chase him for answers or money just because I feel like it'd play into making me look like the monster he might've painted me as. The papers my dad got yesterday said that if I don't contest it then the divorce will just go through. I don't need to do anything from here. I'm happy with that. At least he had to be the one sorting that out. I played nice and civil and left him alone all these years. At this stage just hearing someone say that he's indeed an asshole and that I'm not crazy felt nice!