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No. 285473

A thread for all of us recovering from an eating disorder, be it recovered, in recovery or wanting to recover.

Discuss your recovery journey, your ED progression and your thoughts on it.

Some questions to start:

How did your ED start and why?
What made you/makes you want to recover?
How long have you been in recovery?
Have you been inpatient or in therapy? Did it help?
Was your ED a coping/self-harming mechanism? How do you cope with difficult emotions now?
Have you gained weight in recovery?
Has your attitude towards weight changed?

No. 285475

There's already a thread about this. Even though you done a lot more effort then link above it is redundant to have two threads that move at a snail's pace

No. 285482

The idea of this thread is that it is a recovery-specific thread for EDs. If you're in recovery it is almost impossible to find recovery only support and it's tiring and triggering having to share a space with active sufferers. If mods don't think there's a difference feel free to nuke this one.

No. 285608

>How did your ED start and why?
Around 2017 I got overweight and then lost all of it in a year and a half. I was fittest I've been in my entire life and deathly scared of gaining back. Then I moved away from home after university. The fear just got worse. I started cutting back my intake "just in case". I was alone and stressed in a new location. Controlling my eating gave me the same high cutting did in high school. And I could eat(or not) whatever and however I wanted, without anyones judgement. I also always dreamed of being a model and thought the only thing stopping me was my weight. Spoiler alert: no I'm actually just ugly.
>What made you/makes you want to recover?
I don't remember when I had my period. I look haggard. I have zero sex drive or desire for other human beings. My mom is worried and none of my clothes fit. I don't know really. I recognize I have a problem and I'm trying to get it under control. I want to be healthy. It's what I'm supposed to do. I'm too old to be doing this.
>Was your ED a coping/self-harming mechanism? How do you cope with difficult emotions now?
Definitely a coping mechanism. Restricting just made me feel safe and in control. If everything around me was falling apart at least I knew I wasn't getting fat. That's such retarded logic when you write it out like that.
>Have you gained weight?
Not yet, but it will soon enough if I follow my plan. I thought I could just maintain at my current weight but my body is having none of it.
>Has your attitude towards weight changed?
Not yet, and I don't think it can that soon and after a lifetime of body image issues. But I will do my best. A part of me is really angry I can't stay underweight, even if its a bad look on me. There is nothing good about it yet I'm still mourning it.

No. 285860

I sympathize with you. I'm glad you realizad that you have a problem and have decided that you don't want this life anymore. It's silly but that's really the first step to recovery, just realizing that this is a problem.

I understand not wanting your body to change in recovery too - when I began I had managed to become very thin but I looked bloated, haggard and people constantly asked me if I was sick. Despite the low weight I was still not happy with my body and I was still purging multiple times a day and exercising obsessively. Recovering was so scary, I was so afraid of letting go of my body at the time even if it didn't make me happy.

I promise once you rid yourself of the parasite in your brain that is the source of your ED your mind will feel so much clearer and you won't really care about your body anymore, even if you gain weight. Maybe you will even like yourself.

Good luck on your recovery journey nonna.

No. 286157

Used to be an on and off Ana-chan through middle and high school. Hospitalized several times for this. Only got my life together after graduating and trying to have a baby (which I finally did! 4 months along now!!!)

I’m doing better, but I’ve gained a bit of weight (20 LBs since recovery, 5 pounds since pregnancy). This is good, because I was seriously underweight, so now I’m on the heavier side of average. This is normal though, I’m pregnant so of course there’s gonna be a belly, and of course I’m gonna gain a bit of weight.

Sometimes, my brain slips back into Ana thoughts, but I just remind myself of what I have to lose if I slip back. I paid so much for IVF, and I don’t want to lose my baby. Every time I look at my belly, which is starting to hang over, I remind myself that I’m growing another human in there. If I allow the mental illness to live, I could lose the child that my wife and I have spent years planning.

I won’t allow myself to starve, or the baby that’s relying on me to survive. I won’t allow my wife to suffer the grief of a miscarriage. I’m reminding myself that this weight isn’t disgusting baggage. It’s proof that I’m strong, and proof that I’m a mother.

No. 286295

I was very online as a teenager, especially on tumblr around peak Felice Fawn times. I thought I was bigger than pastel grunge indie anas, but in fact I was still absorbing the content, body-checking, and became convinced I was trans. Then I decided to drastically lose weight to become boyish. It didn't 'work' for a long time, but dieting became a core habit, and I was b/ping before long. In Covid I so hated myself and my environment I finally made it 'work' and got very thin.

I started to want to recover when I left that environment, but it took a long time to feel safe to stop weighing everything, and to finally let myself gain.

Recovery is something I've been striving for for about a year. In the Winter I started binge eating, and, as people were pleased I was eating, I carried on until I became a full-time bulimic again after I'd stopped for years. I'm about a month clear of puking now.

I was never inpatient. Doctors have taken my weight (when it was under) and bloods just to tell me some people are just small and prescribe vitamin D. I didn't admit my problem until a few months ago, and when I did, and was referred to the local ED service, I was offered essentially nothing.

I view my ED both as cope and self harm after traumatic childhood losses and alienation. My coping mechanisms now aren't much better, I abuse substances like I was all along, but I'm far more aware and I know how to ask for help.

I have gained and it has not been easy. After a vacation in January I gained a lot and felt sick no longer being underwight. Right now I am struggling as I have a full time fairly physical job. That's what I was doing when I really started losing, and I know how easy it would be to do again. But I am older, and I'm worried about my body, and I'd rather be strong.

I think my attitude toward weight has changed because when I was losing I was fairly toxic. I told anyone who brought up weight loss 'how to diet', because I wanted to show off. I no longer see big as bad, (but I still see thin as good).

No. 288423

Well nonitas, today is a very sad day and it has been very hard to continue going, but on this day I had to retire from being Anorexic after 4 years of incredibly hard work and amazing progress that I made. I went from being about 200 lbs and BMI 31 to being 88 lbs and BMI 14. I made all of my own dreams come true, I lived inside of a paradisical existence, and every moment that I’ve got to enjoy without sperging out or feeling numb all over my face has been so indescribably amazing. But alas, life is a bitch. You either learn how to fuck it or it takes control of you, and in my case, it’s taken control of my bodies response to me refusing to eat anything that isn’t pineapple or benzos. I started having seizures in 2019, I had my first on my birthday when I was still very heavy, but malnourished. Fast forward about 3 1/2 years, several medication up-dosages, and an attack on the hospital staff later…I may be skinnier but I still suffer from seizures. Even though I’ve never had any kind of grey matter damage, even though all of my blood tests and mineral checks come back looking like an average persons, I still sperg out and hit the floor like a rat that’s been poisoned after only about 23 hours of fasting. It’s really embarrassing. I can fast, I’m very good at it, but my body literally punishes me for my virtues. It hurts me in a way I cannot describe. I miss being at my old apartment, at home in my bed, looking out my window at the snow while 4 days deep into a fast rolling off of nothing but shrooms, antiepileptics, kpins, and weed. I felt true, invincible freedom during that time. Even if it was only fleeting. I was successful in bringing my fantasy into reality and then maintaining it, until God came down from the sky to say “enough is enough” and then punch me in my face to knock me out for 3 days so the EMT’s could have a reason to haul me off and pump me full of Fentanyl. It hurts me it hurts too much to handle. It makes me feel like I’ve lost the only part of myself that I’ve been living for. Of course I love my husband more than anything in this world, and I want to live for him, but if I’m going to live I have to be beautiful or at the very least up-to-par…and God doesn’t even want that for me. I’m horrified to live the rest of my life knowing that I’ll never be beautiful again. I have to live until I’m like in my 90’s suffering with a bulky disgusting fire fighter body…I lost. I lost the game of life. I ruined every chance I had at succeeding all because my brain didn’t like that I had become beautiful. Suicide is my only answer but I can’t even successfully starve myself to death. The fucking stupid nurses absolutely love nothing more than to resuscitate you so they can have a reason to keep you locked up in the hospital for longer and continue racking up the charges for your bill. Whatever. At least I’ll never have to pretend to be listening to what my parents are grilling me over in a hospital bed ever again.

No. 288447

Women with a BMI as low as 14 look gross. Nice copypasta though.

No. 288454

That isn’t a copypasta. I was convinced this is the eating disorder recovery thread and my eating disorder got me down to BMI 14. Sorry for the honesty if that’s not encouraged in this thread, I didn’t know.

No. 288479

Don't mind that retard. I wish you strength nona, I think deep down you know you're not being rational about your perception of weight.

No. 288538

I feel like I know op. highly unlikely but north star

No. 288606

Thank you so much. It's actually not often that I am able to express what is going through me to the people I'm related to and spend my time with, so the kind words truly do leave an impression. And to be completely honest - I know I'm being unrealistic. It's not normal for a woman who can afford a comfortable life to want to leave her health behind completely kek, especially today when most ladies in affluent cities like Portland and NY are all super "wellness chic" haha. I actually work in wellness, so I get to remind myself everyday of what a normal, healthy woman looks like…but after sitting at 87.6 lbs and realizing that my body was capable of such feats, even if it lead me into a temporary state of paralysis along the way to get there, It brought me a feeling of power and liberation. I know it sounds stupid but it's just temporarily freeing.

No. 288639

please help anons I'm spiralling because I got a new leotard for my adult ballet class and the sleeves are really tight and pinch my upper arms and now I just want to cut any and all of the fat off my body. I hate myself

No. 288642

It will pass. You just have to outlast it. Play a game. Take a shower. Watch a show. Call a friend. Do something to distract you and steal your focus. It’s not you. It’s not your arms. It’s the sleeves of the garment.

No. 290087

I have hit normal bmi for the first time in ages but holy fuck, the weight went to my waist and literally nowhere else. Skinny legs, no ass, fucking fridge shaped torso. Maybe if I was a curvy pear shape this would be easier but I truly think I can only look good bordering underweight at the absolute highest. This fucking sucks!!

No. 290224

Did anyone find that their hair actually started falling out more in recovery? I have no idea what is happening but I'm suddenly losing chunks of hair even though I had completely normal hair throughout my ed.

No. 290231

I've read that this is very normal. You lose hair while struggling with an eating disorder because of the lack of nutrients and so the shock of that makes your hair fall out. While in recovery, your body isn't used to getting proper sustenance and so that also comes as a shock, which makes the hair fall out. It's basically your body trying to find homeostasis, and trying to get used to your new healthy habits. It should stop after a few months, which I know sounds like a long time. Apparently it takes some people around 2 years or so to have healthy hair again (this is with keeping up and staying strong in recovery). If it is really bothersome maybe visit a derm or a hair specialist? All my support to you, anon. Wishing you the best.

No. 290343

Hi anons, I'm writing this as someone who has been on the other side for almost 10 years now. I wanted to let you know that your body loves you and fights for you even when you hate her and try to destroy her. Even when you don't feed your body, she eats the muscle and fat to keep you alive. When you don't have enough body fat to keep warm, she grows fine hair (lanugo) to help keep you warm. Your body is rooting for you to live even when you try your hardest not to. I know how easy it is to get swept up in beauty standards and nitpicky standards of perfection but the human body itself is so incredible and her commitment to keeping you alive is the only fact that remains. I say this as someone who grew up in ballet and started thinking I was fat when I was 8 even when I was underweight. I may have little 'imperfections' by ballet standards but I have to love my body for all that it can do and has done for me as a former anachan/bulimic/cutter. My body is beautiful and yours are too.

No. 290385

Unfortunately what Ive noticed sometimes is that if you had your ED during your teen/developing years it can interfere with your hormones, affect your periods and bone development, and lead to weird body fat distribution when you gain weight, I know some girls whose hip bones and stuff didn’t widen properly as they should have in puberty because they didn’t get enough fat to produce adequate estrogen in their diet at the time and now they’re just fridgemode if they go over like 16 BMI.

No. 290413

Nta but thank you that explains my body. It looks underdeveloped and only underweight it looks cute. Actually when I had a BMI around 23-24 I looked like fucking Shayna. Makes me really sad to think I'm not built to ever have a healthy and cute body.

No. 290438

This was a very sweet read, something I definitely needed to hear. Thank you. You inspire me.

No. 290616

>ED origins
Lots of women in my family have ana and GED. One close relative was hospitalized for it. It’s in my blood, and being a lesbian in denial trying to date a moid while moving away from home for the first time ended up sending me on a downward spiral. mostly just wanted to feel in control about something in my life.

>Why recover?

Being an anachan felt like shit lol. Tired all the time, losing my hair, heart palpitations, nails breaking, always bruised, no emotions, can’t take a shit, panic attacks when trying to make myself eat, losing my entire personality, self harming when I would go over my “limits”. It’s nice being a human being. I want that back. also I couldn’t drink or party while I was in ana hell which was lame

>Recovery length

About 6mo. Relapsed many times since I’ve started, currently trying to nip a binge eating cope in the bud. Totally worth it though, mental breakdowns and all. Fuck that quote about how good being skinny feels, I’d rather be able to have emotions and not be balding.


No, but I came close. If I’d gone on any longer I think i would’ve been forcibly hospitalized by my family. I want therapy but my insurance is shit and I can’t afford it. Some day…

>ED copes

Yeppp. Hardcore coping with being a closeted lesbian in denial. Moving away from home for the first time, social recluse, dating a moid who sexually harassed me. Needed something to control in my life. Now I mostly use journaling and yoga to cope. And venting on here (lol)

>weight gain

Yep. This was my biggest fear for recovery, and still is, but I’m making progress. I’m currently about thirty pounds heavier than my LW. For anyone afraid of this: most people can’t really tell that I’m that much heavier than I was. I’m only a little bit bigger, and the only real change was looking healthier instead of totally emaciated. After you get up to normal BMI it’s pretty hard to tell the difference +/- 10lbs unless you’re nitpicking.

>weight attitude

Also changed a lot. Used to have panic attacks if I wasn’t under a certain weight, now I’m trying to maintain my “recovery” weight. Re-learning eating habits it a total bitch though. My instincts about eating are all fucked up so I have to stay “in-control” so I don’t restrict hardcore or binge. It’s tiring, but worth it so that I can stay healthy both physically and mentally.

All in all, recovery hasn’t been smooth but I’m making progress. Weight gain and body changes are scary, but it’s totally worth it. You can do it! I wish I’d had someone to tell me the same thing. Recovery will never be perfect but you’ll re-learn how to be a human being, and all of the struggle is absolutely worth it.

No. 290822

I wouldn't recommend it unless you've been in recovery for a long time and feel secure and have a good support network but bodyrecomp/weightlifting could help you shift your body shape.

No. 291073

I'm relapsing and I don't even care. I feel so weak and weirdly buzzed all the time, like I'm coming up from a shitty trip and my brain isn't awake yet. I have a lot of stomach problems and they make it so I can't enjoy eating, constantly nauseous or cramping, and it's so easy to justify not eating anything. I'm so frustrated with myself but I can't stop. I took my mirrors down, I have no scale, I no longer pinch or prod or examine my body (or try not to), but my clothes fit differently and that's enough for my insane rodent brain to latch onto and never let go. Every few months, I have to buy new pants because the old ones don't fit well anymore. I've given up on form fitting shirts. I miss being able to share clothes with my gf.
Please help me nonas. I've lurked these threads a while and given and taken a lot of advice. What do I do? How do I feed myself when it hurts and I have no motivation? I smoke weed (probably too much) but it only helps with nausea at this point.

No. 291081

This would be better suited for the ed vent thread nonnie

No. 291092

Ugh, sorry, I thought they were merged or something? I went through the whole catalog and could only find this, I probably missed it. I'd delete but I just missed the cut off. Sorry thread

No. 292182

ED vent thread is in the first post for other lost nonnies who only find this one in the catalog.

Am OP and no, that's not me. Sorry.

No. 292577

After 1 year and 8 months of being in recovery for bulimia my body is finally starting to become somewhat normal. Finally. It didn't help that I also quit birth control 6 months ago which I felt is giving me symptoms similar to those in the beginning of my recovery (bloating, extreme hunger, acne, etc).

Tmi but for almost a year and a half after beginning recovery I was shitting every day multiple times a day when before I was a quite constipated person. It's finally starting to calm down now. Have any other nonas had weird recovery symptoms like these?

Another strange thing is also how my body's fat distribution seems to have changed from when I was suffering (recovered at age 23, so not even growth-related). Really cements how even at my lowest weight I was still permanently bloated and sickly-looking despite an exercise addiction. I never looked lean or toned, just misshapenly bloated. My body is completely different now, despite still holding onto the recovery weight at this late stage. I still have hope that my body will stabilize at a non-overweight level one day but for now I'm enjoying not looking like the thing from I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream.

No. 292581

I love this, nonnie. I also grew up in ballet and my eating disorder was definitely linked to it. A big part of my reason to recover was realizing that I didn't want to abuse my body anymore like it had been abused by others throughout my life. She doesn't deserve this and she only wants to protect you and keep you safe and healthy. Thank you for writing this, it's very inspiring.

No. 297784

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how to find things to obsess over that arent calories/food/weight?
ive been recovering since the summer but recently have been having trouble because of stress from school and found myself missing some meals and snacks. i also just desparately want a hobby that isnt my eating disorder. i thought i was fully on the path to recovery but now this happens and im just back in this liminal space. i havent actually lost any weight and im still weight restored, but the thoughts and the ed bargaining with me not to eat are still there. i want to banish it.
ive taken some steps recently by cutting up my measuring tape, and blocking ed content that is recommended to me but im afraid its not enough. i always worry and wonder and feel like i need someone to tell me what to do.
my problem is that my ed was basically my hobby, and it also made me a lot stupider and unable to enjoy my normal hobbies. i literally couldnt get into the deep focus i used to be able to and that hasnt fully come back yet.
i also like, need something to obsess over and my ed gave me that but its so dull and empty. i wish i could obsess over something that actually brought me fulfillment. even if it was something like anime. my mind just wants to go over things over and over for hours or days and wont give me a break. oftentimes its negative things like my ed or feeling ugly, but i want it to be positive things.
i just want it to go away.

No. 297787

get a husbando

No. 297790

Unironically this

No. 297934

is anyone here vegan w an ED? i feel as if i rapidly lost weight when i transitioned to veganism even though i was in recovery.

No. 297972

Don't, now I restrict for my husbando

No. 297975

obligatory "I don't have an ed I'm just mentally ill" disclaimer but nonnie, have you tried drawing and if not, may I suggest it ?

I think it's good for canalizing an obsessive nature for various reasons. You can do it pretty much anywhere with pretty much anything. There are infinite things to learn, infinite subjects to pick from, you never run out of things to do because you never get enough practice. You can literally obsess over it 24 hours a day, even when you're not actually drawing, because you'll always be making pictures in your mind (not sure if it makes sense, idk how to say it, but after a little while you get an "automatic artist eye" that views things along with how they could be drawn)

You can avoid drawing people if it makes you uncomfortable.

No. 297983

Get one that likes to eat.

No. 298123

i have a gf and i dont want to cheat on her w a husbando. plus if i was to get one id go all the way and summon an incubus probably.
i actually love to draw and do it a fair amount. drawing often is obsessive like that when i really get into the zone and pick things apart. but honestly its something im so used to and its not fun and interesting. i feel like i need something more mental.
i used to be vegan before my restrictive ed kicked in, it was pretty unhealthy for me and im not vegan/vegetarian anymore. just a little random tidbit.

No. 298290

i have the exact same problem anon. when the gears in your brain and body are struggling so bad to keep turning it feels almost impossible to be passionate about anything or have the confidence in yourself you had when you were healthy. i just force myself to keep going because i know i've recovered from worse before and that proves to me it isn't hopeless. i'd be interested in anything hobby related you find that's helpful (or any other anons find helpful). i'd like to be more social as well and make new friends irl but i don't think i'm ready yet, it's frustrating as hell. i'm vegetarian currently too but i've been considering giving it up due to hair loss which i think is caused by low iron levels.

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