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No. 335175
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i feel distressed, deeply sad, and conflicted when it comes to sex. i wish i never have had sex just so i could be a clean slate, not for purity reasons, but too many memories of negative sexual experiences. i would say i am a sexually dysfunctional person. i feel broken. i don't even know how i feel about sex anymore. i'm not even sure if my past counts as legitimate trauma. i think unfortunately this is just something i will always have to deal with, almost like i was meant to carry this pain. i have all these pent up emotions and want to cry but it is hard to let myself cry. i wish i just didn't want to have sex at all, it would be easier. but i do, i just try to not think about it. often i just wonder, why me? why is it so emotionally painful and confusing for me? it feels like everyone else just gets it, but i never did.
even before puberty i had this awareness of not wanting to be looked at sexually. i don't know how but i remember being careful about a lot of things and i even rejected anything stereotypically girly, like makeup and painting my nails, like anything tied to trying to make myself appear more attractive. then around 13 i thought i was fat and lost a lot of weight because i didn't want the curves puberty brought because i didn't want to be leered at, i just wanted to disappear.
spent all my teen years mostly playing video games and watching anime, mostly alone. always was grossed out by porn and thought i was asexual because of it. huge husbandofag, because 2d guys were safer. didn't really lewd them. tried to masturbate around 16, didn't get the hype at all.
at 18 i gradually was warming up to the idea of maybe having sex one day. i think some stuff in anime and VG was a sort of vehicle for me to create a different idea of sex to me so it was easier? idk. i unfortunately became a bdsmfag and kinktard.
when i was 20 i started meeting up with a few guys from /soc/ and tinder. the guy i lost my virginity to didn't know i was a virgin until the 3rd time we met up and i told him basically mid-way through doing stupid bdsm "play". it didn't hurt and he was completely nice throughout and i really felt flooded with all these strong hormones and positive emotions. it was on the floor of his super messy room and it wasn't meaningful. worse, he told me a few more times into hanging out "i'm really not into virgins". thanks, glad to give you my first time, you ungrateful bastard.
i did a lot of degenerate stuff, humiliating stuff i don't want to get into. sometimes i'll just be doing literally anything and something will bring back a memory and it makes me feel really upset. it's hard because it was all consensual, if i said no to something it wasn't forced onto me. and when i look back i had a lot of moments where a guy would ask me to do something and i would just be confused because i really didn't know what they meant and they were like "ok??? you really dont know… well then nvm" like my inexperience was showing. it makes me so sad that i let myself get treated like trash, even if it was just a bdsm scene. i would have bruises everywhere, even on my face. i passed out once from being choked. maybe though i knew it wasn't real, what if my body thought it was real and i'm reacting as if i was really put through that unconsensually? idk.
4 years later in a healthy, loving relationship. i really, really struggle with sex. he knows everything i went though and respects me for it and never has pressured me into anything. he was always openly against bdsm and porny stuff, and it made me reflect on everything. i went from being this oversexed, hypersexual freak to someone who… doesn't really know how to navigate sex anymore. we talk about it sometimes. thankfully he doesn't really have much of a libido. but it's hard and i feel so alone, and damaged. i want to have a normal sex life i think. i don't really know if i've ever orgasmed, and i've always been uncomfortable with my body. i used to send nudes at the drop of a hat, sext all day, sometimes had sex with two different guys in one day. i hate that i did that. but now i can't have sex at all. it's been about 8 months since my bf and i last had sex. it's hard for me. i feel like a massive fuck-up in that department. i just wish i could go back. i think my whole life i will not understand proper intimacy. it took me a long time just to be able to say that i need to stop because it's hurting me. i actually am very awkward in bed too, not good at knowing how to move my body. i really humiliated myself. i might try to talk about this with my bf again soon but we don't really know what to do because i get sad thinking about having sex, but i also get sad thinking about just… never having sex again. so i just don't know what to do.
No. 335177
>>335175nona i relate to you so much. We are the same age, lost our viriginity in the same way at the same age and have the same struggles now.
I dont know how to help you, but you really are not alone in this.
No. 335190
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I had something traumatic happen to me non-con in the past and, well I'm not sure how I'm going to react if I allow someone to intimately touch me for the first time, I honestly don't know what's going to happen, am I going to have a mental breakdown? or is it going to be smooth sailing? I'm honestly dreading it.
No. 335197
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MY PERCHINA LITERALLY REFUSES TO OPEN
No. 335304
File: 1686702739971.jpg (16.75 KB, 256x256, pathetic.jpg)
My very first sexual experience was a guy who met me when I was 12 and he was 16 forcing himself down my throat when I was 14 (and he was 18). Almost every relationship I've had with men has resulted in me being raped or so beaten down that I just accepted defeat and gave in to the pestering. I was anally raped by someone who I considered a friend at age 18 and spiraled into a junkie anachan for a few years.
Whenever my boyfriend, who is genuinely the most gentle and caring moid I've ever met, has sex with me and I feel him get close to my butt I freak out and push him away then feel stupid. I'm always on edge and afraid of being raped again. It is something that follows me everywhere I go and has imprinted itself so deeply on my psyche that I'm unable to be close to a man without fearing what my brain considers the inevitable. I couldn't sleep in a bed with my boyfriend naked until a year of living together because I was afraid of being taken advantage of. I let ex boyfriends degrade and abuse me during sex because I thought I deserved the pornified mistreatment. I will forever bear the mental scars and burden of being sexually abused and I worry it'll never get better. I feel like an idiot even talking about it because what kind of retard lets herself get raped multiple times?
Being diagnosed with autism at 22 helped put things into perspective, helped explain why I was so easily manipulated and coerced, but the guilt still remains. I can't even speak about it without breaking down even after years of healing. I had so many awful experiences with sex so quickly and so young that it's warped my brain and I'll never know who I should have or could have been without being hurt like this. It took me so long to adapt to a healthy relationship with no sexual deviance because I was so used to being used/coerced/taken against my will. I made a pact with myself that the next male who tries to assault me, I will kill or seriously injure. I can't allow it to happen again.
No. 335309
>>335304even though what you've been put through is a thousand times worse than mine,
>I had so many awful experiences with sex so quickly and so young that it's warped my brain and I'll never know who I should have or could have been without being hurt like this. It took me so long to adapt to a healthy relationship with no sexual deviance because I was so used to being used/coerced/takenI do relate to this a lot. It's like my body doesn't know what is going on when I try to have sex normally. I can't relax at all. I hate that I let myself get treated like a porny ragdoll. My brain just shuts down and I'll likely never be normal.
I think people with sexual trauma often don't process what happened until after the damage has been done. When it's happening it's just like you're there physically but mentally somewhere else and don't really know how to process it in the moment, you don't know how you feel. I often wish I could murder my past self for wanting to be hurt the way I was, or murder the men who agreed to do it. What was I thinking?
I'm sorry you went through that, those men are disgusting for hurting you that way. I fucking hate porn, bdsm, and coomers. It took a part of me I can't get back and I feel broken.
No. 335311
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I had some friends when I was young but as I got older most girls distanced from me in highschool, I didn't have much in common with them and they didn't want to hang around with the weirdo, though they went back to talk to me I felt so scared that people could just drop you out of nowhere. My only friend at that time was the boy who eventually wanted to be my bf, even after puberty I was too depressed from my issues with my family to think about dating or sex, but I said yes to it because I didn't want to be alone. It was a very bad choice, he eventually pushed for sex and I just laid there while he did everything. He criticized even the tiniest things on my body, I dated him for almost 3 years. After that my alcoholic family just got worse and so did my mental health, I used to think I deserved the fucked up men who went after me. One day this guy insisted on going out to the movies and lied about a mutual friend going too. When I got there it was just me and him, we watched the movie and he offered a drive home. He insisted on passing by his house and I didn't feel like it, but I had no backbone whatsoever, I thought worst case I would say I needed to leave and call an uber. He proceeded to take the highway and drive me to isolated area, I thought I was going to be murdered. Needless to say he abused and raped me and acted like nothing happened after like the narc he is. Thinking back it was obvious the bad person he was by the way he bad mouthed his family and ex gf, but some part of me thought I deserved to be with a shitty person, but I didn't expect I would get hurt that much. That broke me right there and my fucked up family couldn't help me at all and I didn't feel like I could talk to any of my friends about that at the time. I started therapy and that helped me to not kill myself. I continued getting into terrible relationships as a punishment, I never used drugs, alcohol or cut myself, but being in bad relationships was how I intentionally punished me, they were mostly all terrible people, my first bf contacted me years later to ask forgiveness, as he realized the gigantic piece of shit he was to me, but the damage was already done. It took me years of therapy to get better and though I am so much better and even managed to find a great boyfriend, we've been together for 5 years and he is completely supportive, patient and caring, everything anyone would want I still feel the damage of my trauma when we have sex. It's so fucking hard to be naked and vulnerable, I start to overthink and even with the man I love more than anything I can't let go completely. Sometimes I do and it's great but it's so rare. I know it stresses him out too because he tries to be very careful and sweet, tries not to make me feel uncomfortable in any way, so I feel guilty for being so broken and stupid. I don't get much pleasure from the sex itself because I feel bad. I can only orgasm by myself and I fear that if I can't be comfortable around my current bf, I don't think I will with anyone else. I know I won't ever put myself into a bad relationship again, but I fear that I'll never be able to be a good partner to anyone. Sorry for the massive sperg I just have a lot in me on this topic.
No. 335313
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I used to think I could never orgasm with guys just because I dated a string of dudes who didn’t give a fuck about my own pleasure when it came to sex, but now I’m in a relationship with someone who gives a fuck and actually knows what he’s doing and I still just hit a plateau, even if I end up taking over and try to finish myself off. I don’t have issues masturbating on my own and getting sexually aroused around my boyfriend so I’m just so so frustrated. I know it’s probably mental shit since I don’t know what to do with myself with a partner who genuinely loves me and I read into it all as fakery or whatever. My best friend talks about how she has to keep herself from getting off too fast with her husband and it’s so frustrating nonnas I want that too.
Or she’s lying and it’s impossible to have a good sex life with scrotes and I’m being dumb which is also entirely possible.
No. 335426
I actually mentioned this problem I had in another thread (the questioning sexuality one), but in hindsight I think it makes more sense here.
I'm a late bloomer, virgin, and hypersexual as a result of CSA at a very young age and SA/grooming as a teenager. I was on various antidepressants/psych meds since I was a kid (it was easier for doctors to diagnose me with a "chemical imbalance" than try to take me out of my abusive home), so even after realizing I didn't like moids as a teenager, I thought I was some kind of asexual instead of a lesbian (even before I was abused I was drawn towards and attached to girls). I never watched porn willingly (only a few times as a way to "impress" moid friends in my pickme phase), but I looked at a lot of fanfic and fanart as a teenager after getting SA'd as an outlet, but I was a heavily medicated sperg who still saw myself as "asexual" so I never masturbated to it or anything.
I finally developed an actual libido now after going off my medications (the medications made me more depressed and mentally ill since I'm a lot more healthy and functional) and a high one at that; but I still really hate masturbating/having orgasms because the fantasies I orgasm to are the opposite of what I naturally fantasize about and feel aroused by. I became "radpilled" about porn/a SWERF in my early 20s, but it was mostly for logical reasons, since I never watched porn or considered prostitution ethical and the fiction I read as a teenager was basically stuff I was already "into" as a kid due to CSA. I don't even read fanfics anymore and find most erotic artwork not to my taste anyway, so cutting out/reducing that stuff was pretty easy. I don't even consider myself all that kinky, but when I try to masturbate to my healthy fantasises, 9 times out of 10 nothing happens, but when I think about something that otherwise grosses me out or scary it happens almost prematurely. I theorize this is a defense response from CSA and having anorgasmia when I was on medication for a long time, since I was on SSRIs when I was assaulted; When I talk to other girls who've been abused, most mentioned their body becoming aroused as a way to "protect" them, but instead I shut down entirely.
This is more venting and asking if anyone else experiences this than asking for advice. I've done different forms of trauma-informed therapy since I was 16, and ironically it traumatized me more, and I can't afford it anymore on my insurance besides basic stuff like counselling or CBT (which is awful for CPTSD in my experience). Sex therapy is even more expensive and the 5+ I saw skewed libfem (pro-porn, pro-fetish, etc.) and didn't really know what to do since I'm single. I thought that maybe dating and having sex in real life would help (my last therapist suggested this too), but using dating apps for years showed me they're useless, and I have no organic way to meet lesbians/bi women in my area since it's pretty small and conservative (the women I've had crushes on in real life are straight). I also worry that despite being pretty vanilla, my sex drive is too high for most lesbians which makes me feel like I should just stay celibate for my own good, even though I don't like being alone. You'd have to put a gun to my head to make me go back on psych meds but I've almost considered trying birth control to see if it "fixes" my hypersexuality.
No. 336100
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>>335183>>335189this might be where my trauma comes from. i was never raped, but i had sex attempt to be forced on me, except i was a teen when it happened so it doesn't explain my lifelong fear and disgust toward men. i did see my mom get abused by men though i don't remember any of it. i think my mind blanked out most of my childhood for that reason. anyway, i've had sex and never enjoyed it. always felt tense and terrible. i only discovered somewhat recently that i don't have an issue with my vagina, it's just that i cannot ever relax enough for penetration with a man and so it will hurt. i can use pretty big dildos just fine. never felt shame about masturbation for whatever reason. i do feel shame about how much porn i watch tho.
i also hate cuddling and general physical intimacy. anyone touching me makes my fucking skin crawl. a massage is like nails on a chalkboard. i'll tell people i have chronic pain on my back and arms and stuff so i don't get massages. i hate hugging. i will hug family/friends because i know it's custom but i don't like it. i recall crying over the death of someone close to us, and my mom wanted a hug, and i told her i don't want one. which obviously upset her more and she asked what my problem was.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i feel like my dislike of physical contact with other people has ruined a big part of my life. i miss out on so much with my revulsion. but i can't make myself enjoy it. i hate being female solely because of how men / society at large treats us, how they traumatize us from birth and steal away so much of our souls. i blame males for cursing me with whatever i have. i would have no reason to fear them and feel disgust toward them if they did not earn it from me. no reason to feel loathing toward intimate physicality if men had not given me a reason to hate.
No. 336127
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>>336100>i feel like my dislike of physical contact with other people has ruined a big part of my life. i miss out on so much with my revulsion.me too. i hug family if i
have to, but some family members know i just don't really like hugs and don't pressure me. i have never hugged friends (unless they forced it on me).
i am comfortable hugging my bf but i still get stiff and kind of freeze up with any physical contact. i also hate being touched but I'm touch starved like
>>336113. i feel like i'm "behind" in this way but really would also prefer if most people did not touch me, i hate how hugging is customary in america and you're basically seen as cold and stingy for not wanting to hug others. i wish i was better at being physically affectionate with my bf but it's really hard.
No. 336159
I recently got called a whore by a male family member who tried to have sex with me as a child and it’s been fucking with me . It’s been so many years since his attempt and I’ve never talked to him or anyone else about it. I felt like that finally in recent years I have developed a more healthy relationship and mindset with sex and it hurts less to think about that, and then he just out of nowhere calls me a whore. I would never call a male family member a whore or coomer, I wouldn’t even jokingly call them that. I’ve had a bad relationship with him my entire life and he’s called me every insult but whore, I can’t help but feel it has some incest layer to it. I haven’t been able to even think of sexual thoughts recently without feeling disgusting. I wish men were wiped out already.
>>336151Idk what you mean by fucked up roleplay but don’t do it nonna… I’ve heard so many horror stories of men who liked BDSM or extreme kinks. Even if he isn’t a degenerate now he could easily become one. Don’t start him down that pipeline.
No. 336221
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why do i have to be broken. i didnt ask for this. i feel like i dont deserve nice things or to be heard. i feel guilty for existing pretty much anywhere. cant enjoy myself, feel guilty eating, like i really should just wither away and die. but i feel bad how it would affect my mom if i died. the only way i cope is by focusing on school/work and starving myself when i do and i feel on top of the world. but i think, when everyone who cares about me dies, i might kill myself one day.
No. 337160
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one thing this opened to my eyes, is how much people genuinely hate victims. they osctracize victims more than they do accused rapist. i think rape is crime of society because society doesn't just defend rapist they embolden them. they will always hate victims because they are a reminder of what they have let happen.
my suicidal ideation just keeps growing, and i don't like living right now. And honestly i've been seriously planning. I'm in therapy but it's just too much
No. 337426
Was anyone else a COCSA
victim? The other child was a couple years older than me and I developed an unconscious disgust and fear of boys/men my age the whole time I grew up, and now still in my mid-20s. One of the only safe figures was the schoolteacher (who was an old benevolent male figure everyone loved who passed away a couple years after). I was terrified of the boy and his friends who were very violent and it went on for months the year it happened. I had a hypersexual phase in my late teens and now I can't be attracted to young men or anyone around my age, I'm fixated on older men who could be my dad. It doesn't help that I grew up with no safe older male figure either and am not on speaking terms with my dad.
I hate it and I know it's really dangerous for me but I have a terrible fear response interacting with guys my age. I know even my friends behind my back must make fun of my fixation with old men but they're the only type of men that don't terrify me. I've tried many times to go on dates and sleep with men closer to my age but I have few memories of it because I seem to just dissociate. I don't care if it's bs, I'll try EMDR at this point.
>>336133I'm also French and keep coming up with excuses to avoid kissing strangers on the cheek. Males from my family I can't.
No. 337500
>>337160Seeing my abuser successful makes me feel terrible, but the few times I opened myself to someone about my rape and they questioned me, that broke me. I felt so betrayed. I get anxiety talking about it because of that, even posting here on lc about it makes me worry. Still
nonnie, don't let it sink in, they are not worth your pain. It takes a long time to make it tolerable, to me it took me almost 6 years and it happened only once to me, some women have to deal with it repeatedly and I can't even imagine the pain and trauma that brings.
No. 340046
File: 1689234694947.jpg (5.86 KB, 318x159, images.jpg)
I'm hypersexual and it kind of sucks, doubly so because it probably stems from being touched as a kid. I have weird fetishes of noncon (never where a male is in power though)/"corruption" and voyeurism. Of course, this doesn't include someone I actually love. I honestly think I'd be kind of afraid to touch them and even if I do, it'd be really vanilla because I'd have some mental hangup about dirtying them. I don't want to degrade them and use them like a sex doll despite what's popular with other degenerates. Honestly it's probably better off that I just don't have sex at all. Also, I'm really sorry to hear about everyone else here and their experiences. It's fucked that people can't control their lust and end up being sewer scum while giving another person lasting trauma that they'll carry forever.
No. 340159
>>340140What you are describing doesn't sound like COCSA and just sounds like normative childhood behavior. A year is not a huge age disparity and you are not describing anything that sounds
abusive (non-consent, coercion, exploitation).
No. 340624
>>335175>awareness of not wanting to be looked at sexually.>always was grossed out by porn and thought i was asexual because of it>some stuff in anime and VG was a sort of vehicle for me to create a different idea of sex to me so it was easier?> i unfortunately became a bdsmfag and kinktard.How did it happen? What happened to turn you from a sex repulsed person to a kinktard. You usually develop extreme kinks when you watch a lot of porn and/or have past sexual trauma.
Did you let guys do more and more extreme stuff to you for the validation?
>i'm not even sure if my past counts as legitimate trauma>i would have bruises everywhere, even on my face. i passed out once from being choked.>sometimes i'll just be doing literally anything and something will bring back a memory and it makes me feel really upset.This sure sounds like trauma. Being choked into unconsciousness during sex, even if """consensual"""" is still a traumatic event. Yes, you have a
valid reason to feel so shameful and disgusted by sex
nonnie. Start accepting your experiences as trauma, this is the first step to feel better. Stop finding excuses to gross perverted moids. You'll feel already a bit better. You should look into therapy too.
No. 341276
I'm really visually repelling and always have been. Always been shy and quiet too, had weird interests, which meant not a lot of kids wanted to talk to me or be my friend. I even felt kinda ostracized from my family during gatherings and am socially stunted to this day. I have this male cousin who's 8 years older than me, he's got a very likable personality, super friendly to everyone. He was good with children as children liked him too and would play with/oversee the kids when our extended family would get together. He noticed everyone, especially me, and would always make an effort to include me and genuinely made me feel like I was something. Of course I looked up to him as everyone did. Literally how could you not in my place? This cool older guy paying special attention on me? I fucking idolized him. Idk how to explain it but I always felt like his 'favorite' and we would always spend more 1 on 1 time with each other. Yes I realize this is textbook grooming. I was so fucking happy that someone actually wanted to spend time with me. Eventually he started introducing me to sexual topics. I actually engaged in them because to me, sex stuff was reserved for beautiful women and I couldn't believe that it was a possibility for me to be 'allowed' to have it. When he had sex with me when I was 9 I just went with it because he was so gentle and nice throughout the whole thing and tried to make me feel good. Like, I felt that I would never get this attention from anyone else ever even when I was 10, and I didn't want to lose him so I never told anyone even though I was aware it was wrong at the time. I'm even reluctant to call it rape even if it was very morally wrong and technically was, because I consented and wanted it too. He did it a lot but was always super kind and always made me feel beautiful and that I was 'worthy'. It's basic manipulation, honestly anyone could have done it. He stopped when I was around 14 or 15, but our relationship didn't change, he just acted like nothinf ever happened and I actually missed it but never brought it up because I was too embarrassed/scared. I'm 25 now and has never had a relationship much less a sexual experience since, and I probably never will, no man would ever 'love' me like he did. I'm ugly and probably considered 'used goods' because I'm not a virgin anyways, so I've pretty much lost all hope that I'll ever find a lover. It hurts me so much because I just feel so ostracized, I can't relate to other victims of csa, people who've been sexually abused are pretty, why would anybody think of using me sexually, if I ever told anyone I feel like they'd be like "who would ever touch you?". I have literally considered many times to beg him to have sex with me again because I'm so desperate for the kind of intimacy he showed me and I know I will never come across it again, but I feel like I know his thought process. I don't think he was a pedophile, but wanted to try it. He knew I would never squeal on him because he knew of my insecurities and targeted me because of that. He won't want me anymore now that I'm not a kid- he was just using me. Not that I'd ever actually ask him, I'd die of shame and humiliation and guilt and patheticness. So maybe I'll just bash his skull into a million pieces for ruining my self image and perception of sex and my fucking life. I fucking hate him and hope he dies, but I'm so conflicted, if he dies, I'll lose the one person in the world who ever considered me as a sexual partner. I never cut me off because that would raise many questions, and because it's always in the back of my mind, what if he wants to do it again. If he hadn't done that to me maybe I wouldn't have spent my entire teen years wallowing in self pity, watching my friends get boyfriends while thinking about how undesirable I am, me who was discarded by a fucking pedophile, did I seriously expire at 15?. And maybe I would've been able to overcome my insecurities, and been confident enough to at least try to pursue relationships. I'm hopeless I think.
Sorry this was so long, I've been bottling it up for fucking years.
No. 341296
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>>341280i am still here, i hope it hurts a little less knowing you aren't alone like it hurts less for me. thank you for replying. i am feeling a bit better this month, just spending a lot of time with family. i have always spent a lot of time alone but ever since i made a slew of dumb mistakes it is harder to be by myself too long… talking about it has helped but 4 years later i find spending time with others that care about me and know who i am where we really are having fun and i don't have to sit and ruminate has made it a lot better. i can only hope we can put that shit behind us as much as possible.
No. 341924
My friend and her hub prior to their wedding had a threesome on their bucket list and instead of asking random strangers, they asked me. The woman, who I know better, knows I have trauma but I've hardly seen her the last year because of my mental fugue and existential crisis, maybe she forgot… the man, he did not know, but something about it really upset me. I had to fess up that i have a fear of penetration involving men, and it was the most humiliating thing ever. They both were extremely apologetic. been sparser in my interactions since because I felt so wronged by the question. They didn't mean malice in it, I just felt personally reduced to a cheap sex doll. I'm covered in self harm scars and I do not consider myself in anyway sexually attractive right now
I associate too much agony with sex, to the point I feel guilt when I masturbate. The last time I was assaulted was years ago. My trauma was brought back and accentuated by factors beyond my control, I even ended up bleeding trying too hard to "reclaim" my sexuality earlier this year, so no, I'm just not prepared for sex again. Especially not involving larger object or PIV. When I was left clenched and sobbing at the expense of the vision I saw in my head, I knew I hadn't reclaimed fucking anything, I was once again a useless dead fish. I may fluctuate between subconscious hyper sexuality and dryness worse than the Sahara but I have no desire for actual sex at all. In my mind I am damaged
There's a part of me that too intimately is ripped apart by experience with coercion. I have visualizations to the day where I keep screaming "no. no. no no no." and my assailant, whoever it is keeps insisting till I fucking fold, I'm trapped. I consider myself to be a much more assertive person now, but I've been taken back to that place so many times. I feel so fucking useless, as if my opinion of my looks and my damaged body couldn't lower, my vagina is also disgusting and hates me.
No. 341960
File: 1690342640111.jpg (19.96 KB, 306x400, 3ehVPuk.jpg)
>>337500really late but thanks for the reply
nonnie. It just makes me mad sometimes that I'm declining academically while my rapist and his friends seem to be passing with honours. I'm trying my best not to drop out of college but things are getting better slowly. I talked to more friends and it's nice hearing how they are just as angry/spiteful as me if not more. When I hear them talking about punching all those people it comforts me, and I've noticed I've stopped hyperfixating/comparing myself with the rapist & his friends. There are some days when I remember that everyone called it rape on the day then some people got flaky after and that just sends me into despair
I'm sorry you can't reach out to people.
No. 341966
>>341948Oh no one of my exes, well the really bad one was a CSA
victim and kind of turned monster, he looked so innocent. I never caught him watching porn directly but I'm sure he did because he was a fucking weirdo, but he quite literally admitted to me, and I probably should've dumped him there, that he "lost his virginity" at 10. I really did have the knack for attracting the worst guys until I just stopped dating altogether post pandemic
My friends now husband has given me weirdo vibes whn it comes to me, but he seems to love her. The thing is that we've joked about dirty stuff entirely within a friend context, with the assumption it's just platonic fun. Therefore I felt adamantly confused by the whole threesome question. I'm actually more pissed off at him than I am at her, especially considering before I even met him that he was trying to set me up with some guy I didn't know, my friend met the guy, and said he's not my type. I like her better than him, but they're married now. If I cut them off that's like half of the few people I'm irl friends with gone, and the people they know by proxy. This just sucks.
Beyond not being sexually competent or comfortable, even if I wanted the threesome, and I thought about it, I know those ruin friendships for good. And I'll catch feelings or something. They're both cute, I'm bi, I'm single, I figure that's the only reason they ever considered it, but I told them if nobody wants to catch feelings, they should do it with a stranger. Not some traumatized woman who secretly hates most scrotes like me. Should be common sense
No. 341967
>>341966Also yes I'm well aware I need to talk this out again in therapy for the 1000th time
My problem is that post pandemic I became obsessed with a public figure and I now associate him with my own trauma as well, and unlike my exes I can't escape the fact that he lives on the same earth as me and initiates raw terror just by existing. Like oh god go away I know this is my fault somehow but my trauma always manifests in the worst way possible even when I purposely curb masturbating or don't have sex for years. The pain always comes back around somehow and combines with the body dysmorphia
No. 341979
File: 1690347019604.png (22.21 KB, 1196x303, no.png)
>>341973
L2 click the link and use your eyes and brain to read. also gtfo my thread, derailer.
No. 341989
>>341960AYRT,
Nonnie PLEASE don't drop out. That was my mistake and it really fucked me over the years. I know it hurts seeing their face and thrive while you suffer, but don't give in. In the end you are the one who will suffer the most. I know it's hard, but I am begging you to keep going. I am happy you got support, hold to that as much as you can. I had to rethink my whole career and I still struggle with it, I wished I didn't drop, but now I've come to terms with it, it's all I could manage to do at the time and I accepted it. I'm rooting for you.
No. 342075
>>341966Your friends are evil for putting you in such a weird situation, wtf. Why is your friend allowing her husband to fuck you? Why isn't she off put by her husband viewing her friends as potential fucks?
Im so sorry for your experience
No. 342271
File: 1690526558800.jpg (39.06 KB, 460x343, 20211121_101439_IMG_4548.JPG)
watching the Fight the New Drug podcast a lot lately and it's really good but it's scaring me. i usually try to forget these worries and keep going with my life but one episode in particular - "my ex uploaded videos of me to pornhub without my consent", my god it's freaking me out.
i was going through a pickme phase at 18-20 and sent loads of nudes to my ex (a stupid discord bf who was just over a year younger than me) then after we broke up i was sharing nudes with moids and met up with a few. sometimes phones were pulled out on me with consent, sometimes not. one time when i was intimate with my ex i opened my eyes to see he was recording me on his phone and it turned me off so much. and to make matters worse my phone at the time broke and my dad couldn't fix it so he took it to a repair shop. i'll never forget when my dad came home and opened my door and quietly said "…i just want you to know the guy at the shop seemed super creepy. like he'd go through your phone or something." i never have asked what he meant specifically by that because i know he was being vague on purpose (my dad was upset about this phase of mine but stayed out of it, we don't talk about it) and i don't think i want to know. i stopped being an idiot after that, it contributed to me stopping but wasn't the only reason.
this is overwhelmingly a women's issue too, i've never sent a scrote's dick pic to anyone. i even got a guy i remembered going to high school with to send a dick pic to get a laugh but i never sent it and i even feel bad about doing that. men never feel this way, they don't care. just knowing without a doubt there's pictures and videos of me being shared hurts so bad. some of it is really crazy disturbing shit i'd never do today. so embarrassing and shameful. i do google my name from time to time (very uncommon surname) and never find anything at all. but who has- anyone i went to school with, family members??? at least it'd take a lot of investigating i suppose, i think i'll be entering the place i want to work soon and they know me, also doubt some of the guys even knew/remembered my surname. i'm glad my hair looks super different at least. a lot of my drive to achieve what i'm aiming for in life is the idea that i'll be a better version of myself, more and more far removed from that stupid girl i was. i'll finally be a full fledged woman, respectable and accomplished. that silly girl i once was will be so incredibly far behind my future self that it's unrecognizable and in some ways she already is. i was never her anyway, i was never meant to be that girl. men took advantage of my insecurity and desire for male validation.
i may not want kids now but if i change and have a daughter, it'll be hammered into her head to never ever send lewd pictures or videos and to never allow a man to take any. i hate smartphone world.
No. 342340
File: 1690561619625.jpg (806.12 KB, 3667x1305, Notes_230728_111658_159.jpg)
This is Mrs. West. She was my first grade teacher. I can't find her first name anywhere, and boy are my arms tired!
Mrs. West of, what was now formerly, Pick Elementary school was extremely integral in making me the person I am today; so that's why I'm trying so hard to find her.
You see; Mrs. West used to not only allow and watch me be sexually violated, she also encouraged it and covered it up.
When I would tell her or my mother or the principal what he did to me, she told me it was my fault for not trying hard enough to get away, and she would punish me. So would punish me by making the other children hate me. She would also tell the principal and my mother that I was lying and she would never permit anything like that.
Well, there's a hole lot more heinous she did than that.
She was a teacher for over 20 years.
If you recognize this rancid fucking heifer, and wanna do some stranger the biggest favor of her life; just give me her name.(NYPA newfag)
No. 342347
>>342346I'm literally only asking that if you were in her class by wild chance, or otherwise know her, to please tell me
I don't want anything else
No. 342556
>>342498Candice West
Used wayback machine to look at the website in 2000, then found the staff page. Hope this helps anon
No. 342623
I'm having a break down, I'm really sorry, I need to talk but I also have a lot if questions, this is just going to be rambling, I'm sorry, please feel free to ignore
Why didn't my mom tell anyone I was getting molested all the time at school? Why did she keep sending me? I get that the principal and whoever else were gaslighting her saying it wasn't that bad and she was hysterical and that it was a DOD military school so the police couldn't do anything (?) and there was no possible way for me to be put in a different classroom (???) even though it was my teacher encouraging the abuse
Why didn't she tell anyone though? She says she told her girlfriends at the time, because she said when she did finally withdraw me from school, her friends all agreed that she was doing the best thing for me
Why didn't she tell my dad? Why didn't she tell her dad? Why didn't she tell my doctor? I should have been examined, there would gave been visible evidence of the abuse. It went on from kindergarten, and then they put me in his class again in first grade even though they knew what he had been doing to me, and then they put me in Mrs. West's class and she said it was my fault and that I wanted it and I was disgusting, and she knew it because if I actually hated it, I would run and scream and cry, but he was telling me that if I didn't let him he would tell her that I had broken a rule and she would believe him no matter what, and I knew he was right because every single time I told her or my mom or the principal, I would get in trouble. The principal would always lie and cover up for Mrs. West, and Mrs. West would punish me in her class. She also used to beat this retarded boy, like really retarded, with a wooden object that I haven't been able to find another of by description online
Why did the principal want me to get raped too? I get that Mrs. West enjoys hurting children, but what was the principal'sdeal? I looked her up too, and she was voted person of the year or something in Missouri for "all the ways she's helped children in Fort Leonard Wood her whole adult career"
She helped?
She helped?
I'm bipolar and retarded and I can't sleep eat or shower; she helped?
Why didn't my mom tell her dad? Why didn't she ever tell my dad? They lived together at the time, they're still in contact today
What the fuck????
No. 342645
File: 1690732640356.gif (636.1 KB, 498x498, jinx-cat-jinx-the-cat.gif)
Anyone else has problem with non-existent libido ?
I don't want to have sex with my bf since april this year and our relationship has taken a toll because of it (only on his side of course :o) I couldn't care less if I can't have sex)
When we used to have sex, I was very horny but now I don't feel anything, which makes me even more confused
Because my bf is so sad we don't do anything sexual anymore, I have forced myself multiple times to just masturbate him or have the full course (actual sex) I told him one day I was forcing myself and he was really sorry, like he was saying he raped me and stuff, I disagreed with that
even after telling him, I kept masturbating and having sex with him but now he knows I'm forcing myself to jerk him off, when we have sex I lie and tell him I really wanna do it
Anyway, how can I fix my libido ? I was on the pill but I stopped a year and a half ago
I have no problem jerking off on my own and alone, i just don't want to do anything with him
(pic not related but I thought putting Jinx ITT would make some nonnies happy :))(:o) :)) :D XD )
No. 342646
>>342623i remember seeing your posts about mrs. west the other day, and i'm glad they found her first name. it's truly sickening everyone just wanted to cover that up. if you can do anything to get some sort of justice, i know turning to courts is the way you want to go about this, do it now. i remember reading she recently retired, but even some
abusive elder woman deserves to have karma smack her in the face.
No. 342785
File: 1690841587552.jpg (6.41 KB, 222x167, IMG_1104.jpg)
i've had a couple traumatic experiences that ruined the way i think about sex and i feel like i'll never be able to have a normal relationship that isn't overshadowed by them. when i was 4 i was molested by an older girl who in hindsight was clearly being molested herself, and that was my first introduction to sex or what couples did. i had unsupervised internet access from the age of 7 and got addicted to porn and shit because my parents were neglectful and couldn't be assed to monitor my internet usage. when i was 11 i intentionally tried to find people online to talk about sex with because i was bored and wanted attention, and i met a 30 year old married moid on omegle (i pretended to be 19 but in hindsight he obviously must have known i wasn't) and i actually ended up fucking him because i was retarded. at some point my mom even knew i was talking to pedophiles from the internet but she didn't give a shit about who i was talking to or where i went, so i assumed it was fine if my mom turned a blind eye to it kek. one time i remember my grandpa saw me looking at something fucked up on the computer and called my mom very worried asking if i was okay/safe and she literally told him it was all fine because it was just online. when i was 13 i got groomed online by a 20 year old moid. i dated a girl my age in middle/high school but i basically just wanted her to be my best friend, and when i realized she expected more i freaked the fuck out and dumped her unceremoniously. then when i was 15 i dated a 19 year old woman who kind of pressured me into things i was uncomfortable with. it is all so gross and embarrassing and i feel like a gross person for having all this baggage. the idea of sex is really unappealing to me and i physically don't think i can even get aroused. i haven't dated since 15 and i'm in my early 20s now and just beginning to think about wanting a relationship again. when i try to masturbate or something i just end up thinking of these past experiences and i feel nothing except shame and mild disgust. i would like to be in a relationship again one day but the idea of disclosing all this to a potential partner is so mortifying and i feel like it would scare them off, or at least my total lack of sex drive would be disappointing to them. i don't know if i am asexual if that is even a real thing or if i'm just messed up and retarded, but i spend way too much time thinking about it.
No. 342853
File: 1690915046229.jpeg (110.35 KB, 828x802, 1690699211492.jpeg)
>>342623why did my mom keep sending me for so long after I told her what was happening to me? I told so many times. I told over and over. She kept sending me. She befriended the mother of the boy who the teacher was using to molest me to try to gain intel. Why did she do that? Why did she keep sending me? She got the boy removed from his home by cps and plaved with his grandmother, but he was still molesting me every day. Why this, why any of it?
I still hurt so fucking bad
No. 342944
>>342933I have
>>342623They were still following covid protocol even though it was last year, so I had to talk to the lady over the phone, and the "therapy" is you hold your phone sideways while the therapist waves a nerve ball back and forth while instructing you to think about the worst thing that ever happened to you, and then she says your safeword at the end of the ball-waving, and the safeword is supposed to instantly make you feel better
I did it fir six months, at which point I was told that I failed the course, since I didn't feel better, and the therapist said since it didn't work, next we'll be training you to pat your shoulders and say "I'm okay" outloud until you feel better. I did not bother with that part
I'm really sorry
No. 343275
>>343272Get therapy and stop associating with old men who only want you for sex. If an old man wanted a woman to form deep connections with, he'd date someone his age. If you don't believe me just check the stuff older man say about their younger partners, most are annoyed by them but stick to young girls because they're easier to manipulate and impress.
I'm 22 btw so neither old or young, I'm not biased.
No. 343279
>>333272Stop dating him immediately. You already know it will mess you up afterwards. Age gap relationships are ego trip novelties for men, of course they’ll be nice to keep it going long enough. Having sex
for him is going to be an even worse memory in life. The journey to unpack and ease into yourself sexually is best done alone or in a much safer relationship. You don’t need CSA to experience what you’re describing, a lot of that is a reaction to being super online as a girl. This vulnerable desperation is a waste of time and will be traumatic if you continue the way you’re going. Being more than anyone’s been for him isn’t even something you can quantify and you shouldn’t attempt to use your own personal discomfort to do it. You will be ignoring an intense personal issue to please someone who is actively disrespecting you.
To answer your other question though, it could be the the connotations of sexual interaction. Imagine yourself being with a literal alien that looks a beautiful man. He looks down on misogynists, loves you etc, there’s no weird power dynamic or malicious intention, you’re exploring each other’s bodies as newly and equally as possible. Imagine scenarios in this context and tweak them until it doesn’t squick you. That can show you the nature of what does put you off and how recognising those traits in real men or encounters ruins the idea of sex. From there you can start figuring out what to avoid and what would actually work for you.
No. 343290
>>343272Anon, as someone who can relate to almost everything you've written (the only exceptions are that I have never sent sexual pics to anyone or even kissed a guy and I'm 29) I beg you to get away from that man.
At 25 I got involved with someone 9 years my senior who at first pretended to respect my boundaries around sex because he cAreD aBouT me As a PeRsoN, but it quickly became apparent that he only wanted me for sex and nothing else. He, too, talked about all the sex he had with his previous partners, and now I see that he was only trying to pressure and guilt trip me. That man fucked me up for a good two years but thank god I never gave in. YOU WILL NOT REGRET NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM I PROMISE!
There is a reason old scrotes who go after much younger girls are single, women their age don't want them. If he truly cared about you as a person he would leave you alone.
Don't let your first sexual experience be tainted by a manipulating narc.
I wish I could tell you how to approach your own sexuality, but I still struggle with that myself. But one thing I know for certain, had I slept with that scrote I would've never recovered from the trauma, because he would've dropped me like a hot potato afterwards (scrotes like that love to pump and dump). That kind of rejection would've broken me beyond repair.
No. 343663
File: 1691438397406.jpg (94.34 KB, 872x720, 6b5.jpg)
So lately anytime I think about sex with a moid, hear about women being sexualized, or scrotes being scrotes about sex, my stomach starts churning. I get physically sick from it. I can masturbate completely fine though, and I don't get sick from that.
But man do I fucking hate it when moids bitch and moan about how sad it is that I don't enjoy sex. Like, I'm not sorry that you'll never get a chance with me anymore. Fuck you. Suffer. Find someone else who will willingly devalue themselves so you can get off.
I'm honestly starting to think that me getting sick from this shit is actually a blessing, because I'll never get tempted to allow a scrote to defile my body again, and it's a physical warning that something they said or did is fucked up.
If I continue to feel this feeling even with dating women instead, I'll get therapy.
No. 343690
>>342340This is seriously your redtext to 10 day old post asking for a first name on
lolcow in the sexual issues thread? like read the following replies, it's all right there
No. 343808
File: 1691509473661.jpg (63.62 KB, 706x772, tumblr_2dd6beb4c50b5d621d7f853…)
i truly have no idea why i am the way i am. i'm terrified of penetrative sex, the thought of anything being in my vagina makes me panic. genuinely panic. the most i've ever done is give head to my boyfriend which i feel fine about, i only have issues with my vagina. i've never been sexually abused, i don't have any memories of being taken advantage of. i was raised religious but so were lots of girls around me and they don't seem to have this intense fear. i'm really physically sensitive too. i hate my genitals being touched, i don't even masturbate the normal way because after a while it starts tickling and it kills off my arousal. i have to do it over my underwear but even then it doesn't do that much for me, 99% of the time i have to get off by just listening to music and thinking. i don't know how that works but it does for me. i wish i could understand why i have all these problems around sex. when i get off i have to think about everything besides sex itself, the feeling of the other person's skin on mine, the movement, their voice, the way they look, their body, the way they kiss. anything but the penetration itself. i just can't comprehend how it could be pleasurable for a woman. i can only imagine it being painful. maybe something else i should mention is that even though i wasn't sexually abused, i was a very hypersexual child. i was very ashamed and secretive about it, i never involved other children or anything, but i was just rubbing myself on furniture and touching myself a lot and things like that at a very early age, much earlier than puberty. to this day i am a very horny person and it is extremely frustrating. i'm also not a sexual person whatsoever, i'm very embarrassed about this stuff and don't like when others think of me in a sexual way at all unless i'm in a relationship with them. i just feel completely sexually abnormal
No. 343812
>>3438081. You don't have to do penetrative sex, ever.
2.
>i hate my genitals being touched, i don't even masturbate the normal way because after a while it starts tickling and it kills off my arousal. You know what's soft, slick, and gives great orgasms? A tongue. Ask your boyfriend to eat you out.
3. If you do want to get into it,
never start with a partner. Do it alone. Start with one finger (it's not going to feel like anything, neither good nor bad), you can use the wetness to rub your clit. After a while, graduate to two fingers and curl them upwards to your clit. Rub and press around there until you find the spot that feels sensitive.
>i just can't comprehend how it could be pleasurable for a woman.
It's very pleasurable for most women, I promise you. No. 343826
>>343814I'm not going to encourage you to go too far but I had the same fear as you and
i stretched my hymen before I had sex masturbating with a larger object. 48 hours of bleeding, but it was worth loosening some of the snugness. if you decide to do this, just be advised that it will hurt, and you should probably abstain for a few days. alternatively you can be steady and
start with your fingers and clit and work up to larger objects, vibrators or dildos, which will more slowly ease you into understanding what stimulation works best for you.some women have this idea that they need to simulate being penetrated by a 10 inch dick all the time, but that's not realistic or comfortable for most of us. and that's fine. my experiences with sexual assault made arousal much harder years later. I finally feel like I'm beginning to get that back, I just can't handle actual sex right now because my fear of penetration revived itself after my assaults. I hope you're able to learn to love your body, nona. Mine hates me, but I'm slowly learning to love it again and building it back up
No. 343914
>>343808I feel you so much, nona. I am the same as you, no sexual abuse of any kind that I can remember but to this day I have an irrational fear of penetration. I can't even use mooncups and I've cried from trying to put them in, partly from pain partly from some sheer terror I don't understand. I don't want anyone near my genitals sadly not even cunnilingus (tried it once with my boyfriend and it was traumatizing). Bizarrely I've also masturbated a lot since a young age so it's not like I don't have libido. Truly mysterious.
In my case the closest thing I can put the blame on is my stepdad getting drunk and being creepy to me as a child, and my catholic school principal who liked to grab and stroke me (but nothing sexual, just creepy). I'll honestly be damned if my current sexual issues are due to this.
Do you have any experiences in your life that while not sexual abuse per se, you now see as having been creepy or inappropriate?
No. 344031
>>344029>is a girl (in childhood) telling another one sexual stuff is a form of COCSA? Uh, that's a tricky question. On the one hand, 6-7 yrs old is a
very young child so it's hard to attach malicious intent to her actions. That's an age where you barely know what's happening but you've learned to copy behaviors a little. On the other hand I can see how it would be upsetting to you and you shouldn't be exposed to that. Probably for the best if you forgot what she told you.
No. 344034
>>344031Yeah, though I remember other situations when she made me feel bad - in other ways - I didn't remember this one I mentioned.
I just wanted to ask, I feel like I never experienced sexual abuse in my life but I was unsure about this situation.
The thing is, I really hate sex. Luckily that's not something that would worse my quality of life because I want to live alone and celibate (no interest in sexless relationships either). The idea of sex disgusts me although I used to be addicted to masturbation (or at least I tell myself it was an addiction). I wonder sometimes if I am so conflicted about certain things because something happened or not.
No. 344045
File: 1691695473180.jpeg (998.47 KB, 1170x976, IMG_5417.jpeg)
when i was raped i kept it from my ex, we still lived together at the time as we’d just broken up. my ex continued to fuck me after we broke up and dangled getting back together in front of me because i still loved him, otherwise i wouldn’t have gone along with it. i didn’t like it but i didn’t have an excuse to not do it since he got all sulky and asked me if i found him unattractive etc when i didn’t feel like it. so i forced myself to go along with it. i didn’t blame him at the time because i hadn’t told him about the rape, but when i did tell him about the rape days ago it was clear he had noticed i didn’t like having sex anymore. and he’d continued to guilt me into sex anyway.
i don’t think it was a good thing to continue to have sex when i was still freshly traumatized from being raped. i’m all confused now, the idea of having sex feels foreign to me and i’m scared if i get together with a guy again i won’t be able to sleep with him without having a panic attack or something. i feel so confused about sex and consent and everything.
has anyone else had a similar experience or felt the same kind of confusion?
No. 344113
>>337426cocsa is such a weird experience. i also have difficulty with attraction to moids; im bi and theoretically into straight sex in fantasy but in practice it makes me nearly barf, and men touching me makes my skin crawl. i was 6 or 7, i cant really place the memory in my life timeline the way i can with other things, even later objectively more traumatic experiences. but i remember so clearly the morning after it happened and going to my parents and wanting to tell them but the words just drying up in my mouth and just crying and crying and not being able to explain at all. i didnt even really know why i was so upset and disturbed, while it was happening it just seemed weird and gross in a kind of funny way. but afterwards i just remember being really afraid.
the worst part for me is that it turns out the other child, who has remained a close family friend, was repeatedly raped by a friend of his parents' for years, definitely overlapping with what he did to me. this was legally proven too, and he's never talked about it to me (i only know through our parents), so it's not a case of a moid lying through his teeth to avoid accountability. so i feel that i can never talk about what he did to me, or really gain any closure. with other men who have taken advantage of me or attacked me i can happily fantasize about killing them painfully, i can talk about what happened and name and shame if i want. but with that incident i feel like ill have to take it to the grave, because it really just wasn't the other kid's fault. he was playing out what had been inflicted on him. it just feels so bad. both of us are so fucked over by our experiences.
No. 344704
>>343663samefag.
I've come to the realization that this feeling started because I was raped through coercion. I'm not feeling too great about this, and there's some difficult things I need to figure out now.
No. 345030
File: 1692243263617.jpeg (42.73 KB, 585x427, IMG_5523.jpeg)
okay, same story you’ve read a hundred times here. raped and coerced repeatedly from a young age, dangerously abusive horrible ex boyfriends, terrible life, very depressed blah blah blah.
But that was years ago, I’ve moved on, I’ve changed, and I have the most incredible man in my life now. He’s so good to me but he has the highest libido in any man I’ve met, and it’s flattering how much he wants me all the time but I cannot keep up due to my fucked up sexual past. I do have some trauma but I am self aware enough to guide myself through it, but I just. don’t. get. horny.
I really want to! But my libido feels like it’s getting weaker and weaker. I’m in my mid/late twenties, I shouldn’t be feeling like a damn grandma about sex. I just don’t get wet enough half the time and if my fiancé hurts me he feels awful and beats himself up about it. I try to explain that it’s not him, it’s my body and mind and he turns me on more than anything and any one… but I just don’t get turned on?? Idk how to explain it but sex and masturbation just doesn’t do it for me
And he thinks he is failing me but it’s me failing him. Is there anything I can do to just… get horny? Why isn’t there just a fucking pill or something to fix my grandmother libido. I exercise all the time, I eat healthy foods, drink lots of water. I just want to WANT to fuck. You know? Please someone tell me there’s an answer or a cure or anything?
No. 345461
>>345392My issue is that I
want to have sex and
desire sex, but I'm immobilized by fear and anxiety about having it. I've suffered of body dysmorphia all my life and see my body as a hideous sack of meat nobody would find attractive, and secondly I'm mortified of the thought of putting myself in such a vulnerable position as having sex. What if they're groaning inside their heads at how much I suck in bed and how gross my body looks? What if they're telling their friends all about it? What if I regret it and now have to live with the guilt of having slept with them? I honestly wish there wasn't so much shame attached to female sexuality, I genuinely don't understand how people just. Have sex. The thought of not freezing and dissociating the moment someone makes a move is incomprehensible to me. I remember when a girl was literally grinding on me and nibbling my ear, I was extremely attracted to her yet I just went into shock and did nothing even though I wanted to. Trauma is such a bitch mistress.
No. 347433
File: 1693853344967.png (152.19 KB, 324x343, yeesh.PNG)
nonnies is it normal to not have a libido or want to be seen as attractive at 20? I've never been SA'd, and my only ever 'cat-call' I've experienced was some fat guy saying "nice legs" once - no other attention from men whatsoever - so its not like I've had any traumatic experiences. Yet I have such an aversion to men potentially seeing me as attractive that I put no effort into my appearance - I am actually very content with looking how I am, I'm fit and healthy, no insecurities, but am aware I'm not much attractive. It even persists to the point where even though I'm 99% sure I'm straight, the thought of having to live/associate with a man often/daily just straight up disgusts me.
I have never in my life had the desire to have sex with a man, nor even kiss/cuddle a man I find attractive. I have never had a boyfriend or been asked out/complimented (except for like primary school). Despite that I'm not a virgin - I threw my virginity away to a male virgin friend I'd known for like 3 weeks but trsuted not to be a dick and who'd already said he absolutely wasn't attracted to me - who I then slowly ghosted after anyways - in the hope to kickstart my libido, despite not actually desiring sex whatsoever, and also prevent the inevitable shame id feel at being a 28yr old virgin kek. It went fine no trauma or nothing however I was unable to get aroused AT ALL, even wheh thinking about the cutest guy I could conjure, and truthfully after some introspection I don't even think I've ever been aroused in my life, I dont even truly know what it entails. I still do not desire sex and if I never ever had it again I'd be content with that.
So basically do you think my non-existant libido is causing my repulsion to men or my repulsion to men is blizing my libido? Although I've crushed on many boys/men in my lifetime (but only fictional/ones I've not perosnally known), I've always been a tomboy and everyone in high school thought I was a lesbo, so theres still a little part of me that still whispers that maybe I truly am an ultra repressed lesbian/asexual. My auntie now in her 50s has always been the single, kinda shunned, presumed lesbian black sheep of the family who never really dated afaik, so I wonder whether I potentially got a 'spinster' gene or sth from that side of the family.
I just hope its truly possible for me to live a fulfilling life while staying alone as I grow older and people my age begin to have families etc. Despite being fully happy and secure in myself, my independence and my (albeit average) appearance, I dont know whether to be the spinster like my heart seems to want, or try and force myself into normativity in the hope I might one day like and yearn for it. Soz for long post/sperg
No. 347438
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Any other nonnas just constantly irritated, full of rage, every day something sets you off, on top of feelings of hopelessness and also most importantly you don’t ever want to be perceived in a sexual way yet you know you can’t do much because moids will sexualized you no matter what you wear???!!
No. 347440
>>347433fixating on what's normal is unhealthy, like being a lesbian is rare but normal part of human variation. having low libido or being asexual (not the porn obsessed fake asexual kind) is normal in that way and fine, forcing yourself into romantic relationships is unhealthy. if you seem like you may be autistic that could be part of the reason too, autistic people are more likely to be asexual or have different relationships to sexuality.
>So basically do you think my non-existant libido is causing my repulsion to men or my repulsion to men is blizing my libido? This framing is iff but in your case I would say the former applies more. Lesbians are stereotyped as manhaters/don't like men because they don't need to wear the rose-colored glasses to date them and become desensitized to their bullshit the same way women dating men do. The latter aspect of losing attraction to men does happen to OSA women who are misandrists or are traumatized, but it's not your case.
No. 348073
I hate that I can’t compartmentalize anymore. I was groomed online as a young teen (think the early 2000s on AIM) but because my autistic ass chose to frame it like I was sexually mature, I never dealt with the trauma until now when I’m 32. I had a good first boyfriend who was an appropriate age, and he was actually really attentive and good with sexual stuff, but I found out later his own mother had molested him and that’s why he was a good lover. How horrible. In my early 20s I had sex with guys to prove I didn’t care, to show I could “use them” but it didn’t really work I don’t think. When I moved to Italy as a 25 year old, I got into a relationship with a much older man who love bombed me and then became my worst nightmare as soon as I moved in with him. He degraded me emotionally and sexually all the time, raped me often, loved to humiliate me in front of other people by insulting me. He was disgustingly misogynist, and he stole all the confidence I had worked so hard to build (I have BDD and eating disorder issues etc) he ruined my budding opera career. I lost all my friends when I left him because they didn’t understand why I wasn’t the same anymore. I started a new relationship way too soon and did not get therapy instead becoming a full time stoner. I thought I was fine. I had sex with my new partner a lot and felt fine about it. Then last October, I was assaulted by a stranger. It absolutely destroyed me. I am in therapy finally and all this stuff is coming out and I realize all my feelings of disgust about men started a long, long time ago. When I was 13 and adult men began to sexualize me openly in public. When I was groomed into sexual conversations by men in their early 20s on AIM as a young teen. By all the horrendous porn I accidentally stumbled upon when the internet was an even scarier place in some ways than it is now. Before anyone ever touched me. I wish I could go back and be the little prude I wanted to be. I know I can’t, but I hate how scared and broken I feel. Sorry just needed to vent.
No. 348624
I come from an emotionally abusive house, and for the longest time my only escape was books, later followed by anime/manga. I did not have a lot of friends but that changed in high school: I finally found a bunch of girls with the same interests as me (ie weebs). All was fine and dandy for a while but when I turned 16, I sort of realised that I was being left behind by my peers - while they were out there living their best lives and presumably dating, I was stuck at home watching One Piece. I didn’t have any love life, no crushes, no anything. So I decided to make a 180, and started to push yourself toward normie interests. It took some time, but by the time I got into college, I was more confident. I found new friends and was ready to start my normie life.
I was checking out some in high school, but it was more in a practical sense. Not so much as “I’d love to kiss him” and more akin to “I will look good next to him, and everyone will see how popular I am”. I was just thinking about it, and wasn’t doing anything to befriend these guys. But it sort of changed when I was 18. Something interesting happened: I saw my friend undressing, noticed her boobs and realised how hot it was.
So, I realised that I probably liked girls, but, being a huge conformist, I decided that I need to try it with guys first. I mean, how could I know anything without trying it with a guy. So, I met a couple of guys from /soc/, and it went as well as you can imagine. Only got to kissing with the first one, and almost lost my virginity to the second one. Overall, the experience was very meh.
But then I met a guy irl, and on the surface level it was everything I could’ve asked for. He wasn’t a weeb from /soc/, and I wouldn’t be ashamed to introduce him to my friends. He even looked like that chad with beard from the meme.
But this guy was also really keen on having sex with me as soon as possible. He tried to finger me on our first date, which was a bit fast for me. I was really trying to push myself into liking him, I went on dates with him (which mostly consisted of make outs), but I was getting very anxious before our dates, and always found an excuse to leave. I really wanted to go through with sex, but when it came down to it, I wasn’t able to tell him it would be my first time. Didn’t feel safe (ie not judged), so I just told him no.
And like… Starting from that, I’m always sort of anxious before dates with any new person. Thought it was only about guys - wrong, I felt the same anxiety with women as well. The worst part is that I cannot really confess to my partner that I’m a virgin. I feel that at my age (late 20s) it makes me less good, less worthy, and more of a freak. And now I‘m stuck in this stupid dilemma: I’m a virgin because I didn’t have sex but I cannot have sex because I’ll have to tell people I’m a virgin, and it will make me less cool in their eyes.
I realised how ridiculous this is, and went to therapy. We’re working on it. Now I sort of understand myself better: I don’t really trust people not to judge me/ridicule me because of my childhood, and when there is no trust, there is, literally, no sex. Ironically, this realisation did not do much for me in a way that I’m still not doing anything to change this situation and find a girlfriend.
I’m also wondering about my sexuality (even though I really think I’m more lesbian then bi), and I posted bits of my story to the Questioning Sexuality Thread. But it was, well, fruitless, because the only person that answered me was that nonnie that gatekeeps lesbian identity with such vigor that you’d think they’re paying her for it. It wasn’t a huge help.
My issue with my sexuality is the following. Since I was a kid, I was really into fat women. I made up stories about them, I masturbated to the fairy tale stories that described girls getting fat, and this was with me as long as I remember myself. Even now I masturbate mostly to fat fetishist comics. But at some point, I also developed an attraction to pregnant women, and to some porn (hentai manga) with impregnation. And, like, based on my very limited experience I know that I like women more, that kissing women is way hotter, and there is this casual attraction and arousal even with some slight innocent touches that never is there with guys. But I’m still masturbating to impregnation porn… I dunno, it’s just that it’s hard to find good and passionate lesbian porn. It always looks like they’re putting a spectacle on to arouse a guy that looks at them instead if enjoying themselves.
This is not the problem tho. At least, not that big of a problem. My main problem is that I’m a virgin that can’t open up (pun intended) to her potential partner due to slight narcissistic traits (oh no, they will think less of me when they find out!) and trust issues.
No. 348633
>>348624Being a lesbian or bisex doesn't matter, you can date women either way so I'd advise against fixating on those. You seem like you had a porn addiction though.
You should try dating a woman you trust and after you're comfortable, explain to her that you're unexperienced. A lot of lesbian/bi women are unexperienced because gay dating is harder, dont worry about it.
No. 348646
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My PTSD is acting up really fucking bad right now. I can't fucking sleep right now because the flashbacks about me being touched are feeling too real even though it all happened years ago. I cannot go into that much detail, because I fucking hate exposing too much of my life's weaknesses but for enough context, I got repeatedly touched, stalked and overall just sexually harassed by an immediate family member, while my worthless mom stood there and blamed me for the assault and harassment. These flashbacks happen to me almost every fucking day, ever since it happened over seven goddamn years ago when I was still a kid, and my thoughts only got more and more volatile with every flashback and everyday instance where I wake up hear, or see the family member in the house we share. I have the primordial rage to beat them into a pulp every time I see their face, or hear their voice. Everyday I wake up from a PTSD nightmare due to the assault that this family member did to me, and I immediately fantasize an alternate reality where they get molested, harassed, and stalked exactly how they did to me, their fingers and hands smashed and cut off because of them not keeping their hands to themselves, their groin smashed in with a mace because of their sick arousal to my pain, their lips and tongue burned off with a high-temperature clothing-iron because of how they used them during the assault, with their eyes gouged the fuck out because of the empty look they give me during the goddamn assault, and lastly their throat strangled into they can no longer breath because of the ugly voice they used when did what they did to me. I tried confronting them about it multiple times before, but I always got shut down because of them trying to gaslight me into thinking none of it ever happened, orcbecause of my ogre bitch mother basically telling me to shut the fuck up and that it was all my fault. I pretended for years that I just forgave and forgot about it all, putting on a false personality for these two insects so they won't further taunt me with gaslighting and lies about what happened, but I could never forget even though that's all I want to do now. And so, I could bring myself to forgive them. To this day, in this house, they make me the butt of their jokes, laughing about my body to my face. Every night, I have to imagine an alternate set of memories where I successfully fought them back and beat them into a fat red pulp on the ground before they could touch me, got adopted by a good family, and grew up untraumatized and fully comfortable in my own skin. But because of the reality I actually got? I don't have a good ending. Instead, I wake up everyday and wish that this rapist family member, and my mom, were both dead. I cannot pull a Kill Bill, or a cold vengeance scheme like in the movies or TV shows, because this is real life and I don't want to go to prison. The most realistic hope for me is when my savings are enough to get me far away from pretty much every single one of my relatives and go through life without them at all. It's one thing to have PTSD, but it seems to be a whole other hellscape when you're forced to live in the vicinity of who CAUSED your PTSD in the first place.
No. 348703
>>348633I think so too, nonna. Thank you for your reply. My main problem really is the trust issues. I’m working on it in therapy, and hopefully it will get better. It already does get better, in some ways. But it’s such a slow process. I know it’s unrealistic, but I wish it was possible to start behaving differently and find some confidence after a couple of sessions.
I’m a bit confused about the porn addiction though, could you please elaborate? I certainly like some weird stuff but I don’t think I’m addicted.
No. 349167
>>341960>>337160This anon again, I managed to hand in my work through a petition but my profs already put down the grade which academically suspended me and it's gonna take me a month to get my petition decision back again…
I've already been suspended before and it was a nightmare, I'm not telling my parents again. Honestly just looking for non-painful ways to
unalive myself because between this and mthe police doing nothing. the world has shown me that not only do I suck academically, people will literally watch me get raped and not give a single shit cause I'm not their friend. Going a bit manic right now. I honestly feel retarded and depressed, I just wanna graduate kek. I'm literally 1 missing assignment from each course away from getting an A kek. If I tell my parents they are gonna blame it on me not going to church, but I refuse to go to churches again after getting raped by a proud christian.
No. 349181
>>349167Nonna your posts made me cry but also full of rage. I know what it’s like to feel betrayed by other people in the aftermath of a rape. I wish I knew you irl and could comfort you, and be someone for you to vent to. I am so sorry this happened to you, and that you’re (understandably) suffering in all areas of life due to this horrible thing that was done to you. It makes me sick that people are so quick to dismiss or vilify
victims of rape, especially in college settings. Of course it was some Christian fuck, I hope he suffers. You WILL get through this, I’m not saying it will be easy, or that it will be fast, but you will. You are strong enough to be putting in effort still with school, and that’s extremely commendable and impressive. Your parents can suck a fat turd if they ever say something blaming you about it, I don’t blame you for not wanting to tell them. Church is stupid and not usually a good place to find solace after an assault. If you can get therapy, I strongly recommend, but if you cannot afford it maybe call a crisis hotline or even find one with a chat feature. I used one when I couldn’t bear a voice call and was suicidal, ir actually really helped me. I know I don’t know you, but I’m thinking of you and sending you healing and strength. Be angry! You are allowed! Cry if you need to, self soothe in ways available to you. I am rooting for you, that you can and will heal ♥
No. 350786
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I had a weird dream the other day where I was raped, I think while I was drunk or high, and I told my boyfriend about it and he got mad and accused me of cheating. I’m pretty sure it stemmed from my mom gaslighting me and telling me I wasn’t raped and I know he wouldn’t react like that, but it was really stressful.
I was really young when it happened and I can’t remember it properly but it haunts me. I used to dream about being raped daily and I’ve recently started having dreams about suicide even though I’m maybe passively suicidal at worst now. I used to want men to degrade me or have the assault happen again so I could feel like the pain is real, because it wasn’t really until last month that it was fully confirmed that the assault happened. It’s a long story. Me and my boyfriend are waiting until marriage but I feel like I need him to be sexual towards me in order to feel wanted. He loves me very much and has done great things for me but I wish he would act upon his sexual attraction towards me at least once.
No. 351350
File: 1696488076868.png (1.01 MB, 2048x1536, kissing_RF_Getty.png)
Anyone else go through periods of kiss aversion? I'll go weeks/months being totally fine with it and loving it, then all of a sudden I'm repulsed by it for a few weeks/months. I still love to hug, cuddle, and have sex, but kissing all of a sudden becomes extremely off-putting to me. It turns into just feeling wet and gross. Then eventually I'm back to normal and can't imagine how I ever disliked it. It's really weird and annoying.
No. 353712
>>353665Break up with him and don't hop on anything that doesn't get you dripping. I was in a relationship for two years thinking I was asexual. It turned out that as much as I genuinely liked my boyfriend, I was never attracted to him. If I could do it all again, we would have just been friends. The sex was horrible. He had a hard time cumming. Either he was watching too much porn or he wasn't really into me either and was as lonely as I was.
Don't settle. It's
not worth it.
No. 353762
>>353749I was hesitant to break up for similar reasons. Ask yourself this: How many more years of this shit can you really stand just so you won't be alone? Just so you'll have a reason to leave the house sometimes?
I know it feels impossible. It's going to hurt, but it's ok to just stop and leave. This guy sucks so bad in bed, he's taken all the fun out of masturbating! I think you'd be better off rediscovering the joys of being alone.
No. 355487
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I’ve swung from hyper sexual to borderline asexual after my most recent break up. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen each other and I’m still completely closed off emotionally and physically. I really, really loved him and thought we had a future together and the way he ended things basically have made me feel like he’s still keeping me as an option despite not fucking talking to me in months. He’s not very online but I think he hasn’t dated anyone since we broke up. I can’t know for sure but he at the least isn’t publicly official with anyone. I think he had a female friend he rejected but that’s pieced together from very vague clues and my sperg deductive reasoning skills. I’ve had a lot more romantic experience than him and I think that made him feel really insecure. He was the best I’ve ever had and I don’t want to go back to sleeping with other guys. The sex was amazing and really intense and I think it was for him too. He actually cared about making me cum and he did every single time. I’ve never had that before with anyone. I miss him so much I’ve shut myself down romantically and sexually. I’ve talked to several moids off of dating apps who were actually very attractive but I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I’d download the apps, get matches and get excited for a day talking to these cute guys and then immediately go into a deep funk. It’s this mix of guilt for moving on from him even though he dumped me and dread of thinking about how I’m just going to get heartbroken again. Part of me is still waiting for him, part of me feels like they’ll never measure up to my ex, and part of me feels like even if I did like them as much as I did him they’ll just leave me anyways. I’m sexually frustrated but the only person I want to touch me is him still. The idea of even getting a hug from some guy makes me nauseous. I’m dreading this weekend because I’m afraid he’s going to hook up with some girl. The thought of him with someone else is fucking killing me, especially because I can’t find any evidence that it’s happened yet. I really need a loving physical relationship but if feels impossible to keep a moid around if you actually like them. I feel like I’ll just have to be okay with the single life for the rest of my life.
No. 356333
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I think my case isn't that bad because there was never any penetrative sex or rape but I still had my boundaries violated, like being groped and having a guy's entire body weight on mine and freezing and not knowing what to do, also forced attempts at choking and kissing
>a fan of Andrew tate got lowkey obsessed with me
>I knew him from work for 1 year and finally gave him a chance and went on a couple of dates, still not knowing he was an andrew tate fan, and he pretended to be such a shy and sweet guy and would always help me uwu
>he kept lovebombing me and telling me how I'm so beautiful and I could have anyone and he doesn't understand how I could choose someone like him and how I should be more confident about myself
>kept initiating physical contact even when I didn't feel ready for it and didn't want it
>literally lied on top of me and tried to hump me like I was a humping pillow? And I was just??? Kinda lying there with no reaction?
>when we slept next to each other, he kept waking me up in the middle of the night even though I was tired from work, started groping me, then said he just had weird dreams and he didn't remember what he did
>kept saying how vapid his exes were especially in comparison to me and how much he just wants to be loved and talks to me all the time uwu
>when I started to set boundaries he immediately tried to bring my confidence down, I wasn't the most beautiful girl ever anymore etc.
>kept bitching how I don't text him often enough and he doesn't get it because his previous girlfriends texted him all the time to the point of being overwhelming.
>I ask him "so what level of attention do you want lol, your previous girlfriends were too much, I'm too distant for you, so what do you exactly want?" He responded with "just normal stuff duuuuhhh"
>I ask him what he expects from a relationship. He says he doesn't know duhh
>starts pushing for sex even though I told him I'm not losing my virginity to someone I've been going out for 2 months lol
>often tries to choke me when we kiss because it's sexy, when I tell him to stop he tells me I'm the weird one because "all women love it" and his previous gfs loved it
>Ruined his dick from iron grip so HARD I literally got carpal tunnel syndrome from trying to jerk him off
>Never washes his hands and I have to remind him to wash them before even thinking about touching me
>I still get an infection just from him fingering me, there's no way it wasn't from him because I literally never had intimate infections before that and it started like a day later
>I tell him to get tested because there's no way I would fuck someone who has STDs
>Turns out he has oncogenic type HPV
>knowing this, he STILL pushes for giving him a blowjob and guilt trips me when I refuse, saying "You can't even do so little for me can you" lol
>he starts having other retarded demands, like the day before my birthday, he tells me not to sleep until 00:00 because he wants to call me at the exact hour I was born. I tell him dude no way I'm tired from work
>I start ghosting him and eventually not even saying hi to him anymore
>he's too scared to even look at me at work and looks dead inside whenever I pass him by, like a little bitch
>his friends are like "a bloo bloo, poor guy, he's such a good guy and he can't find a nice girl, what's wrong with this world? A bloo bloo"
Moids are so fucking pathetic lol. I wonder if they even have a soul? I dodged a huge bullet here, I'm glad there was never anything sexual between us besides my attempts and jerking him off with my hand a few times and one time fingering. I still feel grossed out thinking I let him touch me in any way
No. 357121
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Am I still allowed to think of myself a virgin if it wasn't penis penetration? I was sexually abused before but not in that way, and being a virgin was the one boundary I still had, now my body doesn't even feel like it belongs to me lol.
No. 357137
>>357121Nonna, virginity is a scam made to make women feel ashamed of our bodies and made for men to feel like having sex is part of their multiple coming of age ceremonies that should be celebrated.
But if it truly is something important to you, yes, you’re still a virgin because the true “lost of virginity” means having penetrative sex with a penis made of flesh.
No. 357166
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I have severe vaginismus to the point where I can't even go through a normal gyno check up, Everytime I try to have sex with moids it just won't go in, No matter how much I want it, how hard I dom or if I have a strong emotional connection. I even tried to do it alone and my body just refuses to let anything go in there. I know this is probably because of being exposed to extreme porn at 8, online CSE I experienced from like age 12-16 and being sexually assaulted a few times around those ages to. I think my body reacts that way because even if my conscious brain understands that I am a consenting adult and in control of the sexual encounter my subconscious will forever see me as a the 12 year old child that is still inside of me, kicking and screaming to just die already and be finally be free. I feel like it's my fault, Like it's because I can't let go of her. I've also been a pickme tomboy for most of my life but in the recent year I was finally able to let myself be girly and not let my internalized misogyny win, So my room and wardrobe has becomes feminine and cutesy and sometimes when I look at it I want to scream and tear all of it down. My need for sexual intimacy and my inability to let go of my younger self can't mix and I hope to god I never stoop low enough to cope with it by mixing them like those coquette/Nyphette/autopedophillic troons. My Nigel has been aware of it since we started dating and is very understanding and is completely ok with it, Hasn't mentioned or even hinted at it for the whole few months we've been together, But I still have those intrusive thoughts from living in a misogynistic hellscape and remnants of my pickme phase that tell me I am a bad girlfriend for not giving him sex. Before my current Nigel I tried to have a one night stand with a moid, who was very attractive and my age but looks a little older, When he tried to penetrate me (after getting my permission ofc) I went blank and pushed him screaming "I'm a minor you can't do this to me I'm just 12 you can't touch me" and crawled under his computer desk like I used to do when I had autism meltdowns in grade school. I tried to talk to my psychologist about it but I just start stuttering and give up before I can say anything intelligible, I can't figure out why I'm go hung up on age 12, I think it's because my first suicide attempt was at that time and it's when I realized it's only going downhill from here.
No. 357172
>>357166I don't have much good advice for overcoming SA but i related to the parts about early porn exposure, being a pickme tomboy, and just not being able to get it in.
I did have sex eventually but it was painful and miserable despite being consensual, I guess it's vaginismus I have trauma (just not the SA kind) and I have a similar thing with feeling like a piece of me got stuck at age 7. I also struggle with the idea that I'm a failure for not being sexual, thankfully my nigel has been understanding as well and is seemingly really happy just to be with me and cuddle and stuff. It's pretty stupid how women are expected to be hypersexual creatures, even female "empowerment" culture acts like we're defective for not getting it on all the time, I've been working on challenging this view and uninternalizing it.
I'm still not ready to be sexually active but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way nona. For what it's worth I've managed to improve a lot with reconciling my adult self with the internal child over the years, it's not a lost cause even if it feels overwhelming
No. 357248
File: 1699274823770.jpg (33.23 KB, 564x564, 2aac4f0ab68d64195706ece72b56d7…)
>>357166I feel you nonna. I was abused for child pornography by a piece of shit moid, was exposed to violent porn since I was a toddler, was raped twice, and I grew up as an autistic tomboy. I used to be extremely frustrated sexually and angry about my past (specially knowing I am in some sick men's CP folder), but it has gotten better and I've been able to have a healthy life. When I have sex with my nigel it's usually oral sex or masturbation, I'm in charge and we never do penetration unless I actively want to. I do get flashbacks sometimes and I just immediatly stop, but it goes away after some time. Finding a good therapist is the best advice I can give you. Employ yourself in your hobbies or explore other forms of sexual intimacy, don't fall for this weird moid rethoric of "sex=penetration".
No. 359455
>>359440Thank you I needed to hear that. I have emailed a place that specializes in helping
victims of CSA twice to make an appointment but chickened out both times. I will make an apppointment for real this time. I don't remember much from my childhood. I also suspect one of my siblings(+10yrs older) may have been victimized. I am low contact with my family now, but have thought about asking one of my siblings if they noticed anything suspect. They would have been teens at the time and might remember better… But also I have no idea how to broach that, or if knowing is even worth it.
No. 359577
im not very good with starting posts so let just get to it
im 80% sure i experienced CSA multiple times growing up and im repressing it- when i realized this, or at the very least started unearthing it mentally, i also had a psychotic episode landing me in the ER. since then, which has been about two years, ive been able to process everything and feel like myself again, probably even better than ive ever been. even at my best now, i still feel something happened, and i cant shake it. i was told it wasnt true, and that they would never do something to hurt me growing up, but theres a lot of trauma revolving this person that would indicate otherwise.
I've never spoken to a medical professional about this since i was in the ER, and im not sure if its worth doing or not. It would also be hard since the ER trip gave me some nasty ptsd and fear of hospitals (i have not seen a doctor since then oops). I feel like im stuck and if i try to talk to anyone about it, i feel delusional and psychotic- i just dont know what to do. i apologize if this isnt the place to ask for advice, but i dont know where else i would post something like this
No. 360050
This has been a lifelong issue and I have no idea how to fix it.
I cannot feel pleasure from PIV sex. I can get off from clit stimulation.
If I'm not aroused, the sex is painful. If I am aroused and wet, I only feel that a penis is inside me.
The first two times I had sex, it felt so, so good. Like, I couldn't even speak, I could only breathe. During the second time, I had sex, it was like snapping out of a dream or like a switch flipped. Suddenly, I felt nothing. I don't feel good that way anymore.
It's been so many years. I can't tell my husband. He's the only guy I genuinely love being with. He actually likes making me cum. I just want to feel his cock inside me properly. I want to flip that switch back on, but I don't know how.
No. 361215
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my long distance nigel came to visit me for summer vacation and it was the first time for both of us, and it hurt so fucking bad. it was extremely hard to get in every time and when it was in i couldnt feel any sensation inside besides stabbing pain would end up crying after every time, and it made both of us feel terrible. it's been months since he went home and i'm still terrified of sex or anything like that, when previously i was super into the idea. it feels so violent and wrong to me now for some reason, and every time i do things alone i always just sob afterward, and i hate feeling this way. i have some weird existential problem where i just hate having a human body and the thought of something going in me feels extremely weird and violating even if it feels good, i hate having sexual attention on my body and would rather just make the other person feel good, though otherwise im a really physically affectionate person. ive never been sexually harmed previously, only physically abused as a small child, but ive always been embarrassed/avoidant about sex and felt weird around it, but i thought it would be different this time because i'm super attracted to my boyfriend and our interests match well. it's difficult because i won't see him again until next summer and i don't want it to be a disaster again. i was thinking it could be because i dont try anything penetrative on my own, but the thought of buying a sex toy is just so shameful to me for some reason even though logically i know it would help. i went to a gyno to make sure it wasn't a cyst or something but it was all fine, and she just said "i have no idea why it hurt, sorry" and ended it there. i'm worried i'm just too small or something, because even when i tried it with my 4 inch troon ex in high school it wouldn't fit and we gave up. i want to go back to normal again or just have some hope that it will be ok.
No. 361223
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I was fine with being a virgin and single for my entire life before I got raped. But after getting raped I just have all these insecurities about relationships and my attractiveness I never had before. It's shitty when your biggest sexual experiance is your rape. I wish I had a girlfriend or boyfriend to have who could replace all those memories or comfort me. But I don't. When I do like someone they ghost me or they end up having a crush on my friends. It's so incelish but it stings watching people blatantly show disinterest in you then try to get with your friends. It's hurts even more coming to the realization that the only people who like me is my rapist and guys who I honestly think at the least have a rape kink and at the worst will potentially hurt me in the future. they never respect my boundaries but they are what i am stuck with. I just wish I could have someone normal and not degenrate to be with, I want someone to listen to me and comfort me. I want to not switch between feeling like people either want to hurt me or ignore and not treat me like a human being.
The more I try to reach out and be friends with people the more I just think about how shitty I was treated by everyone after getting raped. I want to shut myself in and be alone but i also want to be comforted. I just had a great day with some friends but it still really hurts and feel lonely. I never cared for romance this much but now I don't want to be stuck feeling like the only person who will ever be attracted to me is either my rapist or other abusive men
No. 361241
>>361223I wish I could hug you anon. I understand how you feel, I was sexually harassed but not raped as a child and when I tried to reach out for help I got shamed so I never spoke about it again.
Please try to get theraphy if you can, you should get to talk about how this made you feel without any judgment and chances of the people you tell taking advantage of you. You deserve more. You deserve to be loved
No. 363136
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My mom is constantly going into homophobic rants because I got a septum piercing and she's angry it makes me look gay. (I got it for exactly why I got it). Which is fine but everytime she goes into a rant it always has to spiral into her ranting about everything. And lately she likes to blame me for getting raped because I went out drinking/partying and hang out with "ungodly" people. She also thinks I'm in too many "progressive" student orgs and should go to church more. The progressive org in question being a organisation for victims on campus. Nevermind my rapist was a Christian, went to a Catholic highschool and involved in a Christian student org. And my friends who stuck with me through everything were atheists. I'm too blame for getting raped by surrounding myself with ungodly people. Now she can use to demean me over anything she sees as sinful, including bullying me into removing my septum piercing apparently. She is literally threatening to disown me over this, I haven't even come out of the closet yet. But just looking like someone lesbian is enough to get her ire.
I just hate how she likes to blame me partying and getting drunk for what happened. Because when I got raped my friends kinda slutshamed me for it by kicking me out of parties for getting too drunk. I just feel like killing myself because I'm miserable pleasing my religious but I'm also stuck with the suspicion that every person I meet will betray like the people from that party did. I just want to die. It sucks being a closeted lesbian, it sucks getting raped by a man after waiting to have my first time with a woman, and it sucks constantly getting victim blaming/retraumatized by the people you trust. Honestly I actually tried to get into sex work/sugar babying because I was tired of being dependent on my parents. But my fear of getting raped again stopped me. Now I don't know what to do, I don't think getting a septum piercing justifies all this bullshit.
No. 365042
>>363136the people in your life are awful.
Keep the septum piercing and tell your mother that she just doesn't know what fashion is anymore. She's out of touch and maybe someday you will give her a makeover. You need to give the impression you are pitying her so she can feel self conscious.
No. 366564
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I dissociate whenever a man touches me sexually or romantically and I have no idea why. I can't have sex and am a KV at 25 even though I'm in a relationship with a man. In the beginning of our relationship he tried to eat me out and I was legit thinking about Excel sheets, I didn't even orgasm. For about a year or two after that whenever I would remember the incident it made me feel like I had been violated even though everything was consensual. I can't put anything up my vagina either or I will start crying and having a panic attack, it happened when I tried using tampons when I was 11 and over 10 years later when I tried putting in a moon cup. I just can't. The relationship with my Nigel isn't long for this world and I know it, even though he's understanding about having zero sexual contact I know it pains him and he hopes with time I'll "be fixed". I really hope so too, can't even tongue kiss him as it makes me feel nothing at best and sick at worst.
I really have no memories about being molested and still have my hymen so I know I'm a virgin. How to explain this, nonnas? The worst that happened to me was being hugged inappropriately by priests during highschool but the issues began long before that. The first two times I kissed a boy I ran away and felt so disgusting, and that he was also disgusting and I hated them. I really wish I could heal but I have no idea what's even wrong with me, I masturbate daily since I was 11, have shamefully degenerate fetishes since I was 13 and fantasize about BL so it's not like I'm completely asexual. But it's so painful being like this, if only I knew why. Even therapy hasn't made a dent in this even though I've been in it for over a decade.
No. 366614
>>366564Sometimes issues that seem like they'd stem from trauma aren't from a secret big jackpot event that you forgot, but from repeated small damages that don't individually register as traumatic. Tbh to me the fact that you report frequent masturbation (I'm specifically referring to the "daily" part since a lot of kids fool around but fewer are that dedicated/intentional) and having extreme fetishes from a young age is a concerning thing that would indicate exposure to negative messages about sexuality, like maybe being exposed to a lot of porn? It's really normalized nowadays but a lot of that stuff is violent or degrading content that kids would be sensitive to, and because it's seen as common, people might not recognize its impact on a young girl.
I'm just armchairing here but maybe it would help to think about general messages/images you've received about sex or men and women, instead of wondering about the idea of a forgotten singular big ticket trauma that's the deep dark root of everything. Maybe consider non-sexual hurts that could be affecting you, sexual problems are often comorbid with or a symptom of something else.
In any case I would say to please love yourself even if you're struggling with this, and don't force yourself into intimate stuff if you're not comfortable just because people say you "should." Women don't have to be sexual to be wonderful individuals, even wonderful partners. I've personally struggled a lot with self-worth because of my stunted/misdirected sexuality and I've been working on identifying and unraveling beliefs that that makes me inferior, I understand how it's difficult. But if it makes you feel any better, I relate to a lot of stuff you said and I think I'm doing better now. Even though I still don't have a "normal" sexuality I'm a lot more at peace with myself and I feel more hopeful that I can find fulfillment in this area at a future time when I'm ready.
No. 367826
this video made me nearly cry many times, i don't know farmers' opinion of her but i relate to this so much. when it's shoved in your face from birth how it's valuable as a woman to be able to get men off, you internalize it deeply and anticipate it only to not be that way for you personally it hurts so bad. you also hear so many obnoxiously perverted things from men growing up. i have conventionally attractive features but i've always been told i am awkward. i am also deeply uncomfortable with the idea of touching myself or putting things in myself. i have a bad relationship with my body. men want virgins but they need to be total porn stars in bed i guess. perversion is normalized and sex work being seen as a positive thing are rampant ideas in burgerland too. i'm 25 and utterly lost and confused when it comes to sex at best, repulsed at worst. i waited until i was 20 and only wish i waited longer, maybe never had it. i am not sure if i ever even climaxed, maybe a couple weak ones. i try to cope to remind myself that life can be fulfilling without sex, that accepting this part of myself and my life will make me stronger, that i can devote more time and energy to more constructive things. even sometimes i tell myself it's a funny little secret no one knows about me. but yes sometimes i'd like to let go, experience the passion of intimacy, even just get off for once. but i'm empty and feel nothing, nothing, nothing. being alienated, feeling so far removed from sex when it's lauded as such a gratifying, important experience has always made me feel like i am not a proper human, let alone woman.
No. 369454
I was looking at myself in the mirror and saw again that my vaginal opening is shaped significantly differently than before I had sex. I don't know if it's normal and just the stereotypical "hymen tears during first time" thing or if it's because of physical trauma, since it was excruciatingly painful and physically forced. But I remember after I did it I felt different down there and it looks different too.
It makes me feel conflicted because on one hand it was consensual and with a long-term bf, so I feel ashamed to talk about it like it's some traumatic thing. But it's a difficult memory for me because of how painful and violating it felt, and because of the fact that this guy turned out to be
abusive. I thought we would get married. It makes me feel horrible that I did it.
I never even felt turned on, I just felt obligated to get it done already because we had been together so long without doing it, and I didn't want to be a bad gf. I really strongly relate to
>>367826 (the post not the video) since looking back I grew up with so much pressure to be cool and sexy and yet I don't even really feel arousal. But everyone talks about it, it's everywhere. Now I don't think I want to have sex either ever again or MAYBE unless I get married to someone seriously nice, and I feel so many invisible eyes judging me for not fulfilling my "purpose" as a woman of being sexual.
It's one thing to carry the memories with me but it kind of breaks my heart that I'm physically altered from it. No one knows either way, but I can't help but see it as a visual representation of me being damaged.
No. 369462
>>369454I'm sorry you had that experience anon. For what it's worth, my first time was consensual and something I wanted to do, and I still ended up "physically altered" because I had a thick/unelastic hymen. I think the narrative that hymens are a myth, although well intended, is factually untrue. A lot of women change a bit after first time penetration, personally I'm glad because if not, I would literally be in intense pain every single time I have sex. In my case it was painful for like 5 seconds and I bled a little, and it's never been a problem since so obviously it changed my vagina but that's ok. Again I'm sorry your experience have been so awful and I hope you can come to terms with it, but you're not broken or defiled or whatever, I think no matter who you had sex with it would have had the same outcome. At the same time vaginas are ridiculously resilient, you're probably completely normal.
No. 369464
>>369454i'm sorry you experienced that nonna. i know you said that the sex was consensual but if you felt in any way coerced into it or like it was something that you had to do then that would explain why you feel traumatized, especially since your ex was
abusive. i hope you're doing alright and i wish you much healing and happiness
No. 369544
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I’m realizing I have some sort of coomer mentality. I anytime im sad , anxious, stressed, angry, I try to masturbate and this can last for a while, usually over an hour. It’s so frustrating because I also don’t know how I feel about sex, I want to have it a lot and in the past I’ve had it with people I didn’t even have interest and a couple i completely hated. I would get aroused but once it was actually happening I just wanted it to be over.. and to make it more contradictory, I would always do so much kinky shit that didn't even really appeal to me ie. really contorted positions, anal, deep throat, let myself get hit (this would turn me on during but afterwards I’d just cry) , let myself be degraded etc. right now I’m dating a guy who ,as he puts it, just doesn’t care for sex. Like when it happens he’ll enjoy it a bit but he feels like it’s more work than it’s worth. He loves , LOOOVES giving me pleasure though however I want, he eats me out, I actually manages to make fingering feel really good, uses my toys on me, but despite him getting me to feel really good with it I feel like I don’t really cum. It feels like I will but never do? Instead I find myself wanting him to fuck me, and then when we do it’s just like I’m being edged. I feel really bad that he doesn’t want to do it even though I don’t even cum!What is wrong with me?? Is it possible for thc to fuck you up?? Unless I’m high as fuck or completely shitfaced, I will very rarely cum. And although I don’t like it, why do I still wish he would treat me like shit during sex? Does that even make sense? To add on to the confusion situation, the few times I cum, my emotional state immediately drops when I do (sober), all I can associate it with is the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I think I was groomed growing up by my older brother to think what he would make me do was normal. And it feels so disgusting and it makes me physically sick, but at the game it make me feel good?? Like my body reacted at the time and I didn’t understand it then but now I do and I just can’t separate that feeling and it just drives me insane. Right now I’m feeling particularly upset because I just had sex with my boyfriend, something I prompted and wanted to do and after everything I just feel so awful. TDLR: frustrated ranting.
No. 369546
>>369538Ayrt. Yeah it sucks but it is what it is, political ideology couldn't wish mine away. My hymen was super stubborn. I tried "breaking it" on my own by use of different household objects (was a horny teen still living at my parents', so I didn't have the means to buy my own sex toys, let alone a set of dilators kek), but couldn't bear to go through with it because it hurt so much. In the end I opted for getting it done the old-fashioned way by downing a couple of beers and jumping on a cock cowgirl style. It hurt for like 10 seconds then it was fine, I could now have sex and insert objects to my heart's content and it's never been a problem since. My vagina is flexy and can accommodate a variety of sizes now, it goes back to normal afterwards. Thank god for that, because like I said otherwise sex would have been a horrendous experience every single time, whereas now it's a fun pastime for me kek.
While some women have stubborn hymens like I did (for all you know you are lucky and don't have one), they only hold the significance one chooses to place on them. Yes it’s a bit unfair moids have it easier, don't they always, but I also think the the moids altered my body line of thinking is dumb cultural baggage. You can totally "deflower" yourself, no dick needed. Nothing changes about your person except you get a bit less rigid down there afterwards.
No. 369944
>>369812Ayrt. That's ok kek. Maybe you aren't straight, but I also think it's normal for a lot of women to be repulsed by the reality of sex at some point in life. I was never outright sex repulsed, but when I was younger I felt grossed out by talk about female sexual anatomy. Ironically I think it's partly due to me being straight. I was very interested in the forbidden banana, but any discussion of female genitalia was a turn-off and also felt intrusive and humiliating to me. I could sort of tolerate having one, but I did have a lot of trans-adjacent feelings, thinking life would be easier and that I would like myself more if I was born male.
I also remember having a best friend who was seriously disturbed by anything pregnancy related, it was body horror tier for her and she also hated babies by extension. In her case she eventually grew out of it and was struck by baby fever later in life, but that's obviously not the case for everyone. I'm in my 30s now and have still never wanted children, likewise some women are just not into PIV or moids ever.
No. 370208
I don’t know if this is the right thread to talk about this but anyways. 2 or 3 months ago I posted in another thread (can’t find it anymore) about getting raped and scared of pregnancy. I ended up not being pregnant and I reported my rapist, the thing is, he learned about it and got really fucking mad. I live in France and proving you got raped is really hard so for the moment, justice is not doing anything. He is my brother’s friend (my brother knows about it he just thinks I’m lying because it took me time to report the guy) and one month ago I saw him at our place, I had a panick attack and yelled at my brother that called me names and ended up leaving me alone with him (yes.) to go get weed. I begged him to not leave me alone at home with him but he didn’t care and my rapist wouldn’t stop calling me a lying bitch. I tried everything, telling him he’s the kind of guy that would steal from our parents etc just to get him to go with him.
Short story long, he raped me again and came inside me. He beat me up and my brother finally reacted and had a huge fight with him, ended up calling the cops and this time they locked him up for 24 hours (called garde à vue here). He’s not allowed to approach me or my brother (my brother got locked up 24 hourstoo for having a fight but the cops were nicer to him at least). They have evidence of everything, bruises on my body, his dna inside me and now there is another more proof.
This was all a month ago. Two days ago I took two pregnancy tests, both positive. Made me break down and since I’m considering killing myself. I am 5 weeks pregnant. Went to the hospital to be sure and they told me I have to wait until Tuesday to call to get an abortion because everything is closed for new years. I am desperate and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m pregnant. Even getting an abortion is killing me inside. What if it takes too much time? The baby will keep growing until I’m able to get to see someone to talk about it. Please, if anyone here, especially from France ever had an abortion please please please tell me how it goes.
I am going through a lot of things and I really didn’t need my year to finish this way. This is the worst I’ve ever felt, I’ve been taking Xanax, hot baths, smoking more just to increase the chances of getting a miscarriage so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about killing à baby.
It’s been only two days since I know this and my brain is killing me from anxiety. I just need someone to give me advices and reassure me.
I’ve talked about it on a French forum and people said my story seemed sketchy so I didn’t get any help. Please even if you think this is not real, still answer with advice.
I just wanna feel better, I wanna keep my mind off this until I can call the planned parenthood this Tuesday. Please I just need another woman to reassure me. I just want to know that it’ll be okay. I can’t deal with this anymore please please. I don’t even think about getting raped anymore all I think about is the baby that I can’t keep and that keeps growing inside of me without me being able to do anything about it until Tuesday and probably more days.
No. 370221
>>370208It’s okay anon, Tuesday is very close. So close that most people are already thinking “aw man, it’s almost Tuesday already and I’ll have to go back to work.”
From googling, it seems like in France you have until 14 weeks to get an abortion, and you’re only on week 5. You still have plenty of time so there is no reason to panic. You’ll get your abortion soon and then you won’t have to think about this anymore.
No. 370227
>>370208Oh nona, this is devastating. Don't kill yourself. You only have a couple days to wait out before you get your appointment, do whatever you have to do to get through it and get that abortion the second you're able. You have no obligation toward that clump of cells, smoke all you want, it is not a baby at this point and won't be for many weeks. I can't speak to how it is in France but I helped a friend get an abortion in my country and stressing the urgency of the situation got her on a cancellation list, so rather than waiting two weeks, she was able to get in a bit sooner when someone else cancelled. It might be worth asking about if they tell you there is a wait.
Fuck your brother for leaving you alone with that piece of shit after you begged him not to and fuck the people who called your story sketchy. My heart breaks for you. I believe you and I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare. Hang in there, you're gonna be okay.
No. 370310
>>369947I only masturbate maybe once or a few times a week or a few times every couple weeks. Other than that i have bouts of horniness esp during my ovulation but I'm pretty janky sexually and feel awful about touching myself sometimes
>>370208If your rapist isn't locked up for good I hope he falls down a flight of stairs. You deserved so much better than this nona, please don't blame yourself
No. 370320
>>370221>>370227>>370256>>370257>>370260Thank you nonas for the sweet words, mentally it makes me feel better but physically I am dying. I woke up today with horrible nausea and I can’t stop throwing up. If anyone has any tips on how to survive pregnancy nausea I’ll take them.
I can’t eat anything because I’ll just throw it up
No. 370347
>>370208Je suis trop en colère en lisant ça. Je suis navrée mais ton frère a vraiment colossalement merdé, non pas que ça m'étonne de la part d'un scrote (désolée), mais bon ça me fout la haine. Je suis contente de lire que tu as déposé plainte pour ta première agression, malgré la difficulté pour être crue en France, tu avais déjà bien fait. Tu n'as pas une femme autour de toi IRL pour t'épauler et t'écouter ?
En tout cas, courage. Tout va bien se passer, on est bientôt mardi, je pense fort à toi et tiens nous au courant. Prends soin de toi.
Mods, sorry for speaking french but it felt more heartfelt and natural to me here.
No. 370606
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>>370411I really do wish it was just bait
No. 370612
>>370606i hope you were able to receive help today, nona. sending you peace, comfort, and strength.
je t'ai gardé dans mes pensées <3
No. 370613
>>370612thank you so much, rdv planning familial ce vendredi. je stress mais ça va mieux <3
(sorry for french)
No. 371678
>>371096I also had a cousin crush as a kid that's normal. He acted on it because he's a pedo. That's is.
You should report him and he should be in jail.
No. 374011
>>371096He took advantage of you, if you're blaming yourself and feel ashamed due to it being a cousin idk if it helps to realize that cousin marriage was legit
the norm in a lot of time and places. How else would family trees work given how global populations used to be smaller?
>>373997not uncommon to not be able to orgasm with a partner, there's nothing wrong with you
No. 374251
hi again, I am the one who made this post
>>370208and I am getting an at home abortion, I am actually hoping the other French nona will see this because she will know what I am talking about. Idk if this is possible in america or other countries. The planned parenthood gave me pills to take this Friday morning. I already took one with them yesterday and I am fucking TERRIFIED because it’s apparently gonna hurt a lot and I am gonna be home alone (was supposed to be with my mom but she canceled last minute bc blanlablabla busy work…will get more work if I miss one day blababla )
I know it’s gonna be awful and I already have an idea of how it’s gonna go. I just need reassuring words right now.
No. 374374
>>374251i’m late but everything you’re feeling/felt is normal and is exactly how i feel when i had to get my abortion. i’m american and yes we have the pills that you take home, that’s how i did mine. i got pregnant on accident after having sex with my long term boyfriend and i was terrified when i found out because i had thought i was probably infertile and getting pregnant was literally one of my biggest fears. i was terrified and severely depressed, already going through the worst period of my entire life and now having to figure out how i was going to deal with there being a growing parasite in my stomach (that is how it felt.) i didn’t live in a state where abortions were offered so i had to take a few days off work and drive out of state, i waited two weeks, and i got my abortion 3 days before roe v wade was overturned here. i went to pp and picked up the pills and then i laid in my boyfriends bed for an entire day. there was a lot of pain, it hurt way worse than i thought it was going to, and tbh my body didn’t feel the same after. i couldn’t have sex anymore because it felt wrong, masturbating felt wrong, i would get random pains in my uterus. i saw a doctor recently who said i may have scar tissue but i didn’t bother getting the ultrasound done to check. the thing is there was barely any blood, just some chunks that came out, it was less gory than i expected.
No. 374420
>>374402You sound a lot like past-me, nonna. Therapy was what helped me, and devoting all my free time to my physical health and mental wellness. It was not easy and there was a lot of struggle and pain, but my therapist was a godsend for me. I’ve been seeing her for a year and she has helped me untangle a decade’s worth of trauma, and actually begin healing. I never thought there could be hope for me honestly, and I HURT so badly all the time, but there is a way out. You can do it, nonna. And stay away from dating for a good while, people with bad intentions can smell wounded souls like bloodhounds. Until you tend to those wounds, you will be a beacon to undesirable abusers unfortunately, speaking from experience. But the more healing you do, the more you will respect yourself enough to not engage with those types. You’ll see their love bomb garbage for what it is. My PTSD is finally under control after letting it run wild for nearly 6 years. If I can get better, I believe anyone can.
No. 374426
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I have 0 fucking libido If I don’t consume weed. No it’s not an addiction problem, my sister and my mother are the same and none are stoner + it was like this before I started to smoke. When I was a teenager It was ok… Maybe It was because of Ehlers Danlos, maybe we are all of us fucked in the head because of various family trauma, I don’t know but hell I am condemned to be a pothead ?
No. 375143
I don’t really know where to start with this, but I’ll try to parse it out to the best of my ability. Also, maybe one of the first times I’ve talked about my sexuality at all instead of internalizing it. For reference I am conventionally attractive as I have been told since a young age and done some modeling for a clothing catalogue as a teenager and people compliment me on my appearance regularly still today. I personally do not harbor a concept of what is attractive or attraction with irl people (I’ll touch more on this later) but I need to preface this. I am utterly devoid of sex and sexuality. People find it alarming that for my age I have not so much as kissed anyone, gone on a date, or had sex. I never want to school dances. My parents and older brother are extremely worried for me and encourage me to meet a man my age. I have had multiple men ask me out that I’ve had to politely decline, or even lie and say I’m celibate for religious reasons, but I’m finding more and more I cannot escape my sexuality. I’m extremely scared of sex, but I have an almost debilitating libido. The only sexual attraction I’ve ever felt, if it can even be called that, has been towards fictional characters. I am embarrassed and whenever someone speaks about sex in reference to real life events I get so nauseated and have vomited before. I have some memories that are fuzzy of feeling aroused at a young age, feeling uncomfortable around men, being scared of my own father and becoming repulsed to his touch. I don’t think it’s concrete evidence that anything has been done by my father to me. I’ve had nightmares about male family members fingering me, but again, nothing concrete. In high school I remember a boy groped me during marching band practice and it scared me and enraged me so badly that I physically assaulted him and got in trouble for it. Growing up I never had male friends, I was always scared of boys, and I’ve considered the fact that I may be a lesbian, but I’m ultimately unsure. I think a major part of my sexuality being so repressed was because I was a stupid kid and got exposed to porn on the internet at a young age and that definitely didn’t help my libido problems. Long story short, my parents found out and they freaked out and screamed at me and showed my brother everything that I was watching, as well as the conversations about erotic fanfiction I was having with other girls my age. I remember I got caught doing this multiple times and each time my mother would hit me and scream at me for it. Of course nowadays, I don’t think anyone in my family remembers this or if they do they pay it no mind, but it’s really stuck with me. The idea of being “tainted” by sex petrifies me, however I don’t hold the same standard of being “tainted” for other women. Therapy in my country is a joke, it wouldn’t help. I have online friends that I talk about with fictional characters and sex nearly every day because it entertains me, but I know it’s somewhat destructive and doesn’t actually help me. I’m not even sure if I want help. It feels like a bandaid over a gunshot wound.
Ironically, I am going to school to become a gynecologist with a specialty for victims of sexual assault trauma. I feel like a fraud. I look normal and can fake being normal, but I’m not. I feel really scared when I think about this.
No. 376156
In elementary school, age 9-11
>worried that normal affection from male family members was flirtatious and sexual
>seeking explicit sexual fanfiction, especially ones with child abuse
>daily posts on niche fetish forums, admit i am underage and no one cares
>obsessed with true crime cases where parents kill their children
>fav tv show features graphic torture, shootouts, murder
>psychologically abused by older brother, barely protected by family
>ashamed of myself and my body, think i am ugly and broken
>suicidal. believe world would be better if i was dead
Later as a teenager and young adult the same brother attempted sexual abuse but I was able to avoid it. When we were both adults, he made a strange comment about my body when I was around this age indicated and I have a terrible feeling this is when he was first contemplating the assault. I wonder if he did something to me then or even when I was younger and just can't remember. Him or someone else because why else would I be so messed up.
I am certain none of this is normal, all signs point to unhealthy and precocious occupation with sex, violence, and sexual violence. However I have no memory of being sexually abused (i am not counting online grooming) and no memory gaps either. i have kept records of my life since childhood. I dont understand it.
Is it possible to be born ruined? I saw a picture of myself from that time and my heartbreak for the girl i was. I looked nervous but mostly normal, not ugly. I want to say yes/no this happened or didn't. I wish I could move on.
No. 376325
I am so touch starved and horny, but mostly touch starved, I want to kiss and cuddle with someone so bad, unfortunately do to my fucked up childhood, being abused sexually and psychologically and emotionally and physically abandoned by my parents, I cannot date like a normal person. I’m extremely picky but in the worst way, I’m only attracted to men who are intense and awaken something in me (aka they are fucked up sexually, have predator vibes, or are unknowable and emotionally distant). I haven’t had sex in 16 months and the last few times I just ended up feeling so used and taken advantage of so I deleted all my dating apps and haven’t gone on a date since. And men never approach me irl. I’d rather chew glass than download Tinder again but I’m so lonely and sad, I have resigned myself to being celibate for the rest of my life. I got so horny last time I got a tattoo because it was the first time I was touched by a man in so long. I just don’t know what to do. Sure I could go and find a rando to have sex with but I don’t want that, it’s not fulfilling and I just end up feeling used, plus I tend to dissociate and freeze up during sex which leads to me not speaking up when I feel uncomfortable or going into people pleasing mode which leads to me crossing my own boundaries for the sake of physical intimacy. Also men are just so emotionally obtuse, all roads lead to disaster. I wish I could date someone and build trust naturally but it seems like it’s never going to happen for me.
No. 377120
I never had any traumatic event I think, even though there was certain experience with my older cousin (I was 5 and he was 18 or older) which I didn't perceive as traumatic at the time (I wasn't forced nor harmed) and only later understood what it was and realized how fucked up it was. What could've affected me though is my mom's reaction when I told her?.. I was confident she didn't know until last year but apparently I told her when I was 12. I don't remember it at all which is really weird because I have a great memory. I remember NOTHING about that. She says she spoke with my uncle and he told he'd speak with his son. She doesn't know if they even talked (I'm almost sure the uncle wouldn't be bothered. he was such an unpleasant man and drank a lot). But the cousin would still definitely come to our house after I was 12. I think I still didn't fully realize what happened even then tbh, I was probably so desensitized with the internet, I just didn't like him because he was boring and annoying as fuck and I tried to avoid him because of that. But my mom surely had to understand and she didn't care? My cousin's always been weird, but not some drooling idiot. But it seems like my mom pitied him or something (or even thought it was "normal" for a teenager?? or that it was "too late" because it was long ago?). She helped him at least once and she probably likes to see herself as a savior. She didn't want conflict? It wasn't important enough what this fucker did to me? She didn't even feel protective? How is it possible? Anons I really don't understand. I don't usually think about it but it's fucking me up right now. Why do people always pretend they love me. They don't give a shit about me. But it's not what I wanted to write about.
Other than that, I remember being harassed in primary school and a bit in kindergarten. When we would walk near the school after/before dinner(?) in the 1-2 grades I didn't know where to hide from the little fuckers that violated my physical boundaries and just wouldn't leave me alone, they also said perverted shit. They didn't touch me anywhere and I would fight them, somehow I knew to slap them in the face and kick them in the balls (which didn't make them stop!) but I remember this feeling that you can't simply escape, they always bother you. And I don't remember if I told anyone, I think the teacher's assistant should've noticed? I just knew adults always diminish these things, "oh they're in love with you, teehee". And then you're older and much older men start harrassing you on the street the moment you're 12, and then fucking mid 00s runet where objectification and hebephilia are so normalized you don't even encounter anyone criticizing it, maybe only rarely and these voices are just so faint. And then you get yourself much older online bf that is "a good man" but he's just as pornsick as anyone else and shows you pictures of the women he likes when you're not even 16.
Ok anons, I got carried away by memories, I've meant to keep it short and describe my problems with intimacy but I guess I'll do it later because I've totally ruined my mood and got tired hehe.
No. 377621
>>369454want to get some follow-up thoughts off my chest.
I made some new friends who are openly against the whole oversexualization of women thing, and I feel like it's helped me be more confident about no longer trying to be that cool sexy girl who appeals to male sexuality. Like now I can find comfort that it's not just me that's crazy, there are other people rejecting that cultural pressure.
I got a new boyfriend. It makes me nervous, given what I've been through, but he is very kind and in so many ways, the polar opposite of the man who made me feel so unsafe and useless. We have the same views on waiting to have sex (he just already feels the same way, I didn't propose a deal or anything) and when we are with each other, I don't feel that unhinged lustful desire to consume or use me that I used to feel emanating off my ex. It reminds me of when I was a little kid and I thought that love was just laughing and prancing through fields and I didn't yet know that so many men wanted to devour me for being female. I'm still kinda incredulous that anyone like this is real but for what it's worth, he willingly takes the hit to his reputation among other men that comes from not being obsessed with sex and from considering women's feelings.
I still have a lot of pain over what I went through before. I stopped looking at myself down there because it's too hard for me… I guess I used to have like, wishful thinking that maybe it was just in an unflattering angle one day and now it's "back to normal," but I'm trying to just leave it alone now, it's never better and it makes me feel sick. I have nightmares about being raped by my ex and worse nightmares about having loving, pleasurable sex with that same man who hurt me so much, who doesn't really exist as a caring lover. I didn't mention it in my last post, but he'd get turned on from brutalizing me, so… I consented, but it still wasn't okay.
I confided in a mentor I trust, who also personally knows my new bf, and was reassured that he doesn't seem like someone who'd judge me for it whenever I feel ready to open up about the past. And reassured me that I can be free to make my own choices now, I don't owe him and I can stop the relationship any time if I change my mind. I cried a lot, it was the first time I'd talked about it to anyone irl and I didn't realize how hard it was and how nice it'd feel after.I still feel damaged and dirty and a lot of stress but I think maybe it will be okay.
No. 380352
File: 1708294971804.jpg (94.73 KB, 1080x1350, D1e3Fvi.jpg)
Sometimes I feel like if I was prettier people would've been nicer to me after I got raped. Let me preface I know this isn't the case because one of the people who bullied me after I got raped was dating a model and treated her so badly she got panic attacks (I only found out after I came out about what happened and we bonded over how shitty that person was).
But ever since I had to do a rape kit and take pictures of my body I have been so self conscious.
I never cared about make up or counting calories but now I do. Even my mother noticed (but for misogynist reasons she says some of the things I do won't attract a man I don't care about what a woman who blamed me after I got raped has to say she's an evil Christian cunt). The thing is I don’t care about male validation I just hate how so many friends have become distance. I'm starting to notice that for some people I was just the back up friend. After I got raped I wanted to go partying to get back some control but no one ever went with me. So I would go solo clubbing. I would always turn up when they needed a plus one though. They always used the excuse that they hate clubs. But now I see them clubbing. It just hurts having no one who wants to make plans for you. I do have some good friends but they will be moving soon and it scares me so much that I will have to face all this trauma alone soon. I know that me being neurodivergent makes it harder for me to make close friends but it literally makes my heart break seeing all these people post online about the parties they have with their friends knowing that I got raped at one party and never got invited to them again
No. 380637
File: 1708453115386.jpg (8.26 KB, 212x210, tired.jpg)
i feel so fucking angry thinking about the guy i was seeing before. he knew that i hadn't been in a serious relationship before, let alone do anything sexual with anyone. he would feed me what i wanted to hear so that we could do things together, even though i expressed before that i wanted to take things slow and didn't really want to do anything yet. and of course he was a BDSMfag so we did stuff that in hindsight was humiliating for me. but of course he ignored that and i was too naive to speak up. and all of that just to say that he wasn't over his ex, jesus fuck. thinking about all of this is fucking things up with the guy i'm currently seeing and it makes me so mad! if this hadn't happened i would feel much more secure
No. 380711
File: 1708483809514.jpg (64.28 KB, 1000x1000, 61yyc5jpzGL.jpg)
does anybody have experiences with covert/emotion incest? my mom has always brought up inappropriate sexual topics since i was a YOUNG kid, but the thing that really fucks with me the most is just the jokes shed make, like stuff about my fathers genitals, or jokes about my (at the time) 10 year old sister masturbating, and of course all the possible nasty jokes about me, she also would be like "oh you're gorgeous, im sure all the boys at school touch themselves to you" when i was like, 14. i legitimately have such a repulsion and shame to any type of sexual stuff now its so lame. and just disgusting, im 20 and feel weird making sex jokes with my 18 yr old friend, like i cannot imagine being nearly 50 and joking about your child like that.
No. 380893
i feel broken and doomed to never have a sexual relationship. as a preamble, i have no issues with being a woman. i don't consider myself transgender or questioning at all. i also don't read fanfic, anime, watch porn or anything along those lines and never have.
i feel like i can never have a relationship even though i want to because i can't provide sex. my body is not capable of being a sexual object to me. i feel so disgusted at the idea of my body, or the female body as a whole. i can't have sex because i would never allow anybody to see me naked, it just makes me sick. the idea of a man being sexually attracted to me makes me feel disgusted and when someone expresses interest in me i immediately lose interest in him, he seems disgusting and i lose respect for him. i have ended 2 relationships because i lost interest in the man when i realized he was sexually attracted to me. obviously this means i don't plan on having a relationship again. (i am a virgin of course.) i have elaborate sexual fantasies, i sometimes become insanely attracted to people, but only if they are completely unattainable and i can insert myself as a man in the fantasy. and always as the completely dominant one - usually very violent sex inflicting quite a bit of pain on the other person. i have no interest in any romance or love aspect. in real life i want to be loved but i can't provide sex, and i want to be loved by someone who doesn't even want sex from me, which is also ridiculous.
i feel so angry and helpless. my entire sex life is something that exists only in my mind forever and requires me to be a completely different person. and that in my own body i can never hope for any kind of relationship at all. these bizarre hangups haven't changed or improved at all since they first manifested when i was like 13 and i'm in my mid 20s now. no improvement, what am i even supposed to do about it? what even is this called? i have no conscious issues with being a woman and yet i feel like i was born in the wrong body sexually and that's nonsensical too but here i am. i feel totally broken. whatever man
No. 380914
File: 1708559371704.jpg (80.09 KB, 567x521, memyselfandi.jpg)
At many points in my life I tried to have sex but I realized I can't and the reason being is I cannot stop myself from seeing my own body as the body of the child I once was. I'm in my mid 20's but I look in the mirror and the face staring back at me is 5, 10, 14 all at once. I've had what I can only describe as a consensual sexual encounter with someone I was relatively attracted to and it drove me insane and made my want to skin myself alive with grief. I feel like I have this child inside of me and I am hurting her. When men are attracted to me I feel like they want to hurt her. I cannot ever see myself as a sexual object, I cannot see myself as having sex. My libido is almost non-existent and I do not feel the need for a relationship, but I feel I will forever be broken and stuck in place because of this.
No. 380927
>>380922thank you anon for your thoughtful response. i really appreciate it.
there is no conscious memory that explains this but i can identify both aspects you point to. you bring up freud which resonates unfortunately (lol), i suspect an aspect of it is my parent's relationship which was poor for a variety of reasons and my mother who was a very miserable and unkind woman, and yet my father put up with her very meekly and always seemingly desiring (and failing) to meet her approval. i think i probably got ideas about what male/female relationships mean from observing my parents' relationship, that now create this immediate feeling of disgust for men desiring women. (freud would be proud to hear me analyzing my parents lmao) &there is probably also more instinctive stuff regarding sex dynamics between male and female and whatnot (for whatever reason it may be, i can tell consciously that i have a very intense need for sexual domination - and that is just simply easier when you have a penis, no psychoanalysis needed for that)
i will look more into what you mentioned, my last hope really is that if i can understand it deep enough i can fix it. again thank you sincerely for a compassionate reply.
No. 381623
>>380646Thanks. Yeah later that day I thought I really should have just immediately punched him in the face. It might have felt good for a moment, but although he is a relatively thin guy I am considerably thinner and I don't think I would have caused him much pain. Perhaps I could have kicked his balls, but I agree it's probably good I held back as a physical assault would also have shown him how he affected me, not to mention it could have put me in trouble.
I also wish I would tell everyone about what he did and how gross he is (for example, his family and friends who all probably only know his nice and charming side), but for some reason I feel I don't have the courage to expose myself that way to others. I feel VERY ashamed to have been so invaded and violated by his filth, even though it's obviously not my fault. So I have to deal with these mixed feelings. From my understanding this can be common for sexual abuse
victims, not that my case is equally bad as more direct sexual violence.
>>380899Violated is extremely fitting for how I felt that moment and still feel to this day.
Many, many men are disgusting creeps and predators and this ordeal has opened my eyes towards the need for us girls to always be on the lookout for such people, in order to protect ourselves and the women and girls close to us. I certainly will always hide my personal objects and hygiene products whenever I feel there's a risk a man might have access to them and feel lewd about them.
I am aware there are decent, nice and family men out there, but until I know I can trust one I'll always be careful around every man, no exceptions. Thank you for your input.
Here's something that goes completely against my character (I am a curious girl and usually prefer to know stuff rather than to have the bliss of ignorance): sometimes I wish he had never told me about this. It would still be equally gross but at least I feel I would be able to move on with my life. But then I wouldn't know to be wary of seemingly educated and nice dudes. Also, knowing about it makes me definitely not look up to him at all anymore, so it seems fair that he does not get the good energy feelings from me anymore.
I also sometimes feel guilty of caring too much over this when there are more serious stuff like rapes out there, but I guess even though some have it worse we shouldn't belittle our feelings.
It is so gross to have had such intimate and nonconsensual contact with this random guy's cum unknowingly. I am so pissed off about it sometimes. I have only had sex with my ex (who is a decent enough guy btw, gotta give it to him) and now that I have this kind of baggage I don't know if I will ever see male cum the same way again. I hope I will have dealt with all of this in a healthy way already when I find my future husband so our sex life won't be disturbed by the deeds of that creep. I also plan on eventually letting him know of this story before we marry because I think it's only fair, but I have no idea how of when to approach the subject. Would it be best to do it in the beginning of the relationship or would that be too much? Would it be best to tell him when we get engaged or would that be too late? I probably think too much.
I used to go to therapy a few years ago and it was really helpful, but somehow I ended up stopping it. I plan on returning to it as it would probably help me deal with this whole situation.
>>380637I feel you sis. I hope your current bf is understanding and that you guys manage to deal with it in a healthy way.
You can try and feel more secure with him by knowing that there are decent guys out there. I sometimes struggle to remember this because the bad ones stand out so much among the crowd.
>>380711Some people seem to get off on speaking openly about sexual issues and taboos and making everyone more prudish than them ashamed. Could be the case of your mother, as it definitely seems she could use learning boundaries in talking about sexual stuff. She could have deeper issues of course. I sincerely hope you manage to become more at ease with your own sexual stuff.
>>380893>>380927I'm sorry you are going through this for so long, these issues seem to be buried deep.
>>380922 provided some wise words and I would recommend trying some Cognitive Behavior Therapy for dealing with all of that. It is a very efficient and rather fast strategy (in comparison to other schools of psychology, which all have their value, of course) of identifying motives for our behaviors and thought patterns in the past and present and learning how to address them in a healthy way, even changing our behaviors in ways that suit us.
>i can tell consciously that i have a very intense need for sexual domination - and that is just simply easier when you have a penis, no psychoanalysis needed for thatNot sure if you would like it, but maybe you could look into some dominatrix stuff (porn or just ideas) as it could provide a way for you to experience that need for sexual domination while having a pussy and being 100% a female. Dunno, I have a hunch it might suit you.
>>380914I really hope you can find peace soon! Do you have interest in sex at all? Although rare, some people are truly asexual and feel no need to experience sexuality, at least in the sense everyone is conditioned to expect.
Like for the anon above, perhaps some Cognitive Behavior Therapy with a decent professional could help you a lot.
No. 382581
File: 1709336107243.jpg (47.42 KB, 735x522, 1000006829.jpg)
Coming to terms that I keep hurting myself even after the trauma has been the one the hardest part for me. Somewhere inside, I believed that I deserved what I got. I can't say exactly why I thought that, but I suspect it could be an attempt to take some control. If I'm bad and a failure, I deserve to suffer. All I have to do is be better, then I wouldn't suffer, that's what I thought. Ironically, that set me for failure again. There was nothing I could do "better" to avoid it, and the lack of control made me hate myself instead of the agressor. I still hold so much hate and anger towards myself, and overcoming this has been so much harder than anything else. How do you make peace with yourself after it?
No. 382583
>>382559It seems like you are scared of a situation you can't control. You can't control their interest in you, and that scares you. I can relate, I hate when I attract any attention, and I used to wear the ugliest and most modest clothing I could find to hide myself from them. Unfortunately, men are disgusting, and nothing will stop them. It's a very scary thing to accept, but in the end, we can't control what they think and feel. All that's left is to improve our actions. Learn to be cold and cut them off, set boundaries. We can't control what they think and feel, but we should at least make our intentions clear, the best way we can.
No. 383613
File: 1709832901135.jpg (1.42 MB, 2048x1428, psycry.jpg)
IWD kinda fucks with me. Like 6 years ago as a 21 year old I was camming and some disgusting guy did this degrading IWD bit in a private session with me. It haunts me to this day. I already had a weird relationship with sex, and I hate so much that I bought into stupid retarded sex positive twitter bullshit. It makes my heart hurt when I remember the things I've done. Nowadays I have an extremely low sex drive and only have sex.. Maybe twice a month.. Maybe less. It just doesn't even register as important to me. I do wish I could feel desire and burning passion because oh my god I'm only 27.. but yeah, this is where I'm at.
No. 383723
>>383627>>383613Different anon but I took her to be saying that a john had done some kind of fetishizing thing around International Women’s Day (maybe the joke being that it’s supporting women to buy sex etc or something like that) and as a result it is
triggering to her. If I’m right, I’m sorry nonna, I hope the day is calm for you and you can take some time to yourself to do something that grounds you.
No. 383762
>>383613>It makes my heart hurt when I remember the things I've done. It's in the past, it's ok to forgive yourself for doing stupid thing when you were young. The idea of selling your body is pushed so hard on young women and girls. Our bodies are treated like objects. Try to love yourself
nonnie. That old you isn't even the same person. I hope you find peace.
No. 383778
>>383613Learn to forgive your past self, you've grown since then, right? I had a similar phase when I was underaged and it kind of haunted me for years before I made peace with it and like you, I have a subzero sex drive now, weird, last I had sex was pre-covid, kek. I know sometimes you just want to strangle your pastself like "Get a hold of yourself, idiot!" but she made her decisions, and you have to make yours. I feel a little broken for my nonexistent libido too sometimes, but I've decided to not force anything. I hope you are being kind to yourself, anon. Maybe make a new memory to look back to at for IWD today?
No. 383792
>>383723Yes anon you got it right. Thank you for your kind words.
>>383778>>383762I know you're both so right, sometimes it is just too easy to beat myself up. I will do something nice today and make a new memory to look back on. Thank you both, honestly it warmed my heart this morning to read these responses.
No. 385108
File: 1710455826329.jpg (23.39 KB, 563x623, 241d5402f8fe613617784b58a343b0…)
does anyone else struggle with being aroused by things you don't want to be aroused by? i've gone through a lot of terrible and sadistic things, and while i would rather kill myself than ever experience anything like that again, my body knows to respond to that stuff, my mind knows to respond to that stuff, like muscle memory. i feel very strange when i see people talk about being 'into' my worst memories like it's a fun game to play, and they seem very stable, well adjusted, and are even able to have a seemingly loving relationship while doing those things. i start second guessing myself. maybe it's not a horrible thing, i'm just being dramatic, the fetish is just some little game, and i'm just broken as a person.
it's like the 'spice' of sex is the fun and exciting part, but i have third degree burns in my mouth, so i can't eat anything spicy without taking serious damage. so now i'm torn between thinking 'this hurts, i don't want to be hurt again, i want somebody who loves me and doesn't want to hurt me' and 'i don't want to withhold what's the best part for normal healthy people from a man who is willing to love me just because it hurts me, i've been hurt before for people who didn't love me, shouldn't i be willing to hurt for someone who does love me?' and 'maybe i'm going about this all wrong, and having these ideas of being healthy and doing things safe is stupid, love is made up, and the sort of despair i feel during this stuff is something i should just let myself be overwhelmed by, like getting thrown into an angry ocean'.
No. 385346
>>385343are 'intrusive thoughts' when you find your mind jumping to those ideas and memories compulsively, like your brain is trying to tell you the solution to a math problem, even though it's something you'd never want to do in a million years? i often feel that as well. i have a lot of trouble masturbating without my mind sticking to something horrible like a magnet, and only moving away to something with a stronger magnetic pull.
i cannot cope with this. every time my brain dips into these places i am completely overwhelmed with horror and despair. if i didn't owe someone else my life i would have killed myself from the weight of the feeling alone.
No. 385351
>>385348then yeah, i definitely have intrusive thoughts. i can't really take a break in the middle. every time i get turned on i have a fight or flight response. staying aroused keeps the adrenaline going, and the adrenaline keeps the arousal going too. masturbating for me is like trying to sprint to the end of a race track that is getting longer by the second.
i might have anxiety. i sure get nervous a lot.
No. 388989
>>388901I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Thank God I don't have the same experience and the men in my life have been "only" misogynists but "nothing else", so I still believe in change. I hope I'm doing better educating my children, but I guess it's a matter of time and tons of education for new generations.
Still, congrats on becoming a prosecutor. I myself cannot understand why would be illegal to torture an abuser, when they have done way worse, I just don't understand.
No. 390134
File: 1712694759069.jpg (26.26 KB, 540x415, 8724c6a612837f3855ecac59246aa1…)
>>357166It's me again, It's gotten worse. Me and Nigel are still together but haven't had any sexual contact for more than half a year, I'm back to cutting myself and came back to my anachan days, I'm obsessed with looking and being small and gullible, went back to dressing up in children's clothes that are obviously too small for me and although they comfort me at the back of my mind I know it's disgusting. I keep having flashbacks to age 12 and constant intrusive pedophilic and autopedophilic thoughts. My dreams are full of me either being hurt as a tween by an adult or me as a tween/teen hurting another tween/teen. I'm 19 and been avoiding all of my 17-16 year old friends because even though I am very much not attracted to any of them I'm scared of hurting them. I don't think I can do this anymore I cannot handle these thoughts and I don't want to hurt anyone and it makes me scared. I'm prone to psychosis and last time I had intrusive religious/paranoid thoughts I ended up acting on them and screamed about angels/demons and gangstalking and how I'm Jesus Christ. I feel like the only way to make sure I don't put myself in danger with an older man again or hurt another child is to kill myself, I don't want to repeat the cycle. This war is fucking killing me, The uncertainty of a much bigger threat, Seeing all of this death around me and constantly being bombarded with people telling me I'm a horrible person for simply being born in country I fucking hate and don't agree with any of it's government's/army's decisions and acts is too much, This stress is too fucking much, I want to go back to the stress of being sexually exploited it was so much easier and so much more familiar. The sweet release of death beckons me.
No. 392118
File: 1713445705846.jpg (31.06 KB, 400x397, 16c32b76c28426e5e78640657629c5…)
I've only recently realized what was done to me as a child was wrong. It's almost feels worse to me that it was done by other kids than an adult because I doubt they really knew what they were doing was bad at the time.
I used to have playdates with this boy that lived near me since we were friends. We would go down to their basement and multiple times he exposed himself to me purposefully. My mom even knew he was kind of fucked up too when he was like 5 and talking about how he wanted to "sex" me and say other weird sexual things. Why in god's name would she still let this kid come around me? I don't understand why she just swept that under the rug and never said anything to his parents. That scrote was in all of my classes growing up too and was still perverted as hell and would do stuff like sticking his dick in a water bottle while we were eating lunch in the classroom. The other was my best friend and neighbour growing up. When we went swimming in her grandpa's pool we would get out and she'd convince me to shower with her then proceed to rub my breasts and touch me sexually and want me to do the same to her. She also showed me porn websites like redtube for the first time and would make us sit there and watch it then later ask me how I felt, if I was "tingling" and stuff like that. She'd also go on Omegle with the webcam on and make us talk to guys so of course we ran into moids with their dicks out often. I don't know why she was like this, she was a couple years older than me and had an older sister and parents that kind of let her do whatever.
Kind of makes me wonder if early exposure to sexual things and porn has completely turned me off of relationships and has me sex repulsed. Although I'm fine with my own sexual fantasies and masturbation, I'd rather tear my own skin off than let someone touch me at this point. I think I could get over it with time and be with a woman since it doesn't bother me as much, but the thought of being penetrated by a scrote makes me suicidal. I just wish I could be normal nonas…
No. 392508
I have a question for anyone willing to answer. At what point in a relationship do you talk about your previous sexual abuse (if ever?) Now, full disclosure is I'm not in a romantic relationship and have no prospectives but I've thought about it, but the problem is that I feel like it's almost never a good idea to share your traumatic experiences with another person male or female, but ESPECIALLY with men.
I get so frustrated because Ill read shit on Reddit that says shit like you're supposed to be able to share literally everything with your partner and if you don't share the big stuff basically you're a lying, secretive bitch or something. Lots of people will go on and on about how you're supposed to be upfront about your sexual boundaries, history and expectations. But here's the thing: nobody likes someone trauma dumping everything at the beginning of a relationship. No one. Wanna know how I know? I've experienced it. Go ahead, try to tell others that you were sexually abused by family members early in a relationship. It will not go well for you. They'll figure you're a chronic trauma dumper and a woman with unresolved mental issues.
So what do you do? You choose not to tell someone about your sexually traumatic past, but years down the road it (usually) comes up in some form or another. HOWEVER, if you choose to reveal that you were sex abused at that point in the relationship, it will be like "Why didn't you tell me sooner???" And then they'll act all awkward and weird around you for weeks, if not for the rest of the time you know them. I've experienced this, not just in romantic relationships but even in a few close friendships with other women. It's crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy.
If I tell someone I was sex abused as a child right away I'm a trauma dumper.
If I wait to tell someone I was abused until much later, it's a 'didnt you trust me?? Why didn't you tell me sooner??'
If you never tell someone but if they somehow find out, you're a lying bitch with trust issues.
What am I supposed to do? I know I'm not obligated to tell anyone but people act like you're literally the devil as soon as they find out you had a disgusting sexual past as a child. They'll say the don't discriminate but they do.
I don't know. It's all so exhausting….
No. 392531
>>392508>I have a question for anyone willing to answer. At what point in a relationship do you talk about your previous sexual abuse (if ever?)I only disclosed what happened to me and how my parents failed me when they found out after I dated my boyfriend for over a year. And I've known my boyfriend for around 4 years at this point (started out as friends).
If trauma gives you problems you struggle with and you don't want to go in depth, you can always just say "I experienced sexual abuse as a child and it makes navigating sexual and romantic intimacy very difficult for me and I need you to support me and help me out". It's okay to not like something innocuous like having a hand on your thigh (example). It's okay to tell your partner to not touch you in a specific spot if it brings back the trauma. It's okay to tell your partner the best thing to do in situations where you are remembering/reliving the trauma. You
should tell them about it so they don't do things that can hurt you. Don't ever feel like you're the crazy one. You are dealing with the aftermath of something incredibly traumatic. If some retarded scrote thinks you're a weirdo for disclosing that information, they're a retarded scrote who doesn't deserve your time let alone your love.
No. 392556
>>390145I don't think you're being paranoid, you may not have repressed memories but you may have picked up on a pattern. For instance, I had a similar discomfort around my father that started around when I found depraved bdsm porn on his computer. This added context to why my mom always looked like she was dead inside, and I realized he was an
abusive piece of shit, but attempted to deny that fact. He also said creepy things about me that I was only able to fully understand later, but was in denial about at the time. None of these things were repressed, I just didn't allow myself to put the pieces together at the time if that makes sense.
No. 392894
Massive wall of text incoming, sorry.
posting some jumbled thoughts i never got out of my system.
i was molested by my mother from early childhood, until-my late teens. it decreased as soon as i became strong enough to fight back her physical abuse. she was also insanely obsessive and protective, breaking down in rage fits if i was outside for more than half an hour, daily meltdowns etc.
i was also harassed, molested and raped (by men) later in life, but the abuse i think about the most is hers, unsurprisingly. i never repressed memories and became a 'numbed' kind of person rather than purely over-sensitive (more on that later).
this left me with an STD i caught early in life, it is treatable (i just keep postponing the doctor visit bc i'm retarded and ashamed) and vaginismus.
another consequence was feeling like i was some kind of monstruous thing that could explode like a bomb, hurting other girls and women. It started around my late teens, kind of abruptly. i think it was mostly typical teenage angst, internalized homophobia and porn use (i was exposed to it super early, started watching it regulalry in mid-teens), but it felt almost delusional. I believed i was committing a crime just by existing around other girls. This feeling faded quickly after i stopped watching porn and 'purging' my mind from it, and i'm in a much better place now (yayyy).
im mostly attracted to women (have been my whole life), although i quite like men these days. but i'm in a weird position. i kind of 'freeze' internally whenever there's mutual interest w/ a woman and i never managed to go further than flirting and occasional touch, even if i really savored those little moments. It's like my mind reaches for them, filling up with love and desire, only to curl up and become tiny at the slightest sign of reciprocity.
i used to worry that i prefer women because of CSA, but i don't care anymore. i think that stuff can permanently influence your sexual orientation (controversial i know, kek) but you can integrate it in a healthy way. i just know i've had so much affection and desire for them, it can't be all trauma reenactment.
i've been in one relationship as an adult, it's good but mostly asexual (we're more of an 'old couple' in spirit, it's cozy but it was never passionate, even in the beginning, at least on my end).
i very much want to try having a more satisfactory sex life, but there's a weird worry. see, i am incapable of feeling much pleasure during sex. masturbation is fine, but its like my body is anaesthetized during relations. my way of working around it is taking an active/dom role, and i get occasional emotional satisfaction from it, but it's dull and frankly, not worth it once you get past the initial curiosity.
but what if i manage to sleep with someone during the peak of desire? what if i have sex with a woman or man i desperately need, only to find myself still 'dead' in nerves and mind? a part of me believes it'd be such a blow to my self-esteem, such a confirmation of my 'brokenness', that i'd rather not risk it. i already correctly guessed i'd be a kind of numb service top when i was younger, what if i'm right again and i can never 'receive' pleasure or be vulnerable, even with all the right elements in place.
i find myself venting about this on LC because no one understands. women have run away the few times i've discussed it, even if they're traumatized, because most people aren't equipped to make sense of a mother's SA. moids sometimes bring up SA by women but they immediately follow it up with some retarded belief about how women are just as dangerous as men, which is so far removed from women's reality, really. i'm lucky i wasn't molested by a male relative, it would have been much worse (likely ending in PIV rape) + harder to fight back, but they won't acknowledge the fact. i've successfully opened up abt it to a couple female relatives, they were very understanding, but again, at a loss. like what could they even say about this, i dont even know myself. I've spent most of my life trying to make sense of her, of it, and i think i have some answers, but it still mostly eludes me. she's a genuine pedophile (visibly aroused by my account of CSA by a moid when i just wanted help, too curious about children's sexual development, loved bringing up sex around kid relatives), so i can't say she's simply repeating what was done to her. i can't just go 'subhuman pig, die' to cope, because this is my mother who raised me, not some distant person with little to no impact on my general development. I've despised her my whole life, but i have more empathy fo her circumstances now (which is good, i think, i still loathe her but i appreciate the maturity kek)
No. 392952
>>392894I don't have advice for everything in your post, nonna, but I just wanna say your abuse wasn't any easier just because it was from your mom than from your dad. I think most of the mental pain is the same, and there's a whole lot of weird stigma that comes from being abused by someone of the same gender because people won't 'believe' you in the same way. It's also okay to understand that a parent who abused you had shit circumstances themselves, but they are still a shit person (speaking from my own experiences with my parents). I also feel extremely angry but can't bring myself to cut off my family completely. But it is okay to be angry and confused. I think familial abuse is really hard to navigate.
Also, before you focus on increasing your sex life, maybe you could work up the courage to go see a gynecologist first? And you could even as the gynecologist to not do a pap smear or anything the first time. Maybe just go and talk about what your expectations or worries are.
Good luck. It's not easy.
No. 395537
>>392894>another consequence was feeling like i was some kind of monstruous thing that could explode like a bomb, hurting other girls and women. i have this with men and women
I just idk feel like some part of me will take over and rape the person - ugly, fat, tall, smart etc - that ill just blank and then find myself in the act. i have a full time job but otherwise I isolate myself because of this.
No. 395576
>>395536I know this will be against the rules but please
neck yourself you fucking pedo. You are a danger to everyone, including children. Fuck you thousand times.
No. 395604
>>395583talking about trivialising abuse kek
if I was a child and another child did it to me I would want the other child to be isolated and punished obviously
would you be equally soft on this if you heard from a moid that he raped a girl when he was a boy?
No. 395609
>>395576Thanks for your brave words, this inspired me to report all the 5 y.o. pedophiles that flashed me in the kindergarten to the police
>>395536Anon… if she was uncomfortable and it was done by force it's understandable that you feel bad about it. Have you talked about it with her? Still, you didn't have a significant age gap and it's clear you didn't really understand what sex was. You interpreted that purely as an act of love in a broad sense or something, I suspect you just wanted to repeat what you saw on TV or internet if you had a free access. At most, it can be seen as violation of boundaries if your sister didn't want to do it, but then again, children have shitty understanding of boundaries and can violate them this way or another because they're clueless or curious about the consequences (or lack thereof). If the relationships with your sister is ok now, then I'd assume it's not a big deal to her. You can try talking to her, it's not even necessarry to mention what happened (because obviously it can be super awkward), you can say you're sorry for making her uncomfortable/scared/whatever in childhood, that it's bothering you now and you wish you didn't do it. Don't demonize your 9y.o. self, it seems like you're filled with
toxic shame and intrusive thoughts, and you're looking for reasons to hate and punish yourself. Stop sleeping with an old moid, how is it supposed to make things better?
No. 395616
>>395604I'm not trivializing what her sister went through, her sister has every right to feel abused, I'm not taking that from her nor have I said that was ok. I'm just saying she isn't a pedo for something she did when she was 9. If she repeated this as she got older, then absolutely, but the post implied it was one single time. I don't know if she is a pedo or not, nothing in the post indicates she's still attracted to kids or fantasizes about doing it again.
>would you be equally soft on this if you heard from a moid that he raped a girl when he was a boy?If he was nine years old, then yes? The understanding of a child is not the same of an adult idk what you want me to say. It wouldn't change the horrible thing her sister went through, nothing will ever change that and I am not denying that.
No. 395706
>>395576Retard
>>395536Nonnie,this is definitely something you'll need therapy to properly work through but please do your best to forgive yourself for it. Children constantly do stupid/dangerous/wrong things because they're only learning how things work, and you shouldn't let your actions at 9 yrs old haunt you forever. I was similar age when I starved a baby bird to death. It was an older fledgling and would have done fine on it's own but I caught it and kept it because I felt I was "saving" it even though I had no idea how to keep it alive. Despite this I'll obviously never consider myself an animal abuser. I was a child who didn't know better, who wanted to act with the conviction of an adult, and you were too. Forgive yourself.
No. 397158
>>392952Thank you nona! Yeah i think you're right about the gynecologist, i guess it would help to get that sorted out and have to deal with a situation where i'm 'vulnerable'. Could be a milestone
>>395616I understand both sides here, the line between child-on-child abuse and 'playing doctor' can be blurry. I think many of us have done things like that, exposing yourself to relatives, being an edgy little shit and carrying the guilt long after that because you understand it's objectively weird after being scolded or after you matured. I'd say it's all about repetition, a child might do something really retarded (because they are bad at self-regulation) but realize soon after how harmful it was, it's different from a pattern of sibling abuse (regardless of age). I'd be more lenient if there was CSA by an adult before that (since kids often repeat what is done to them). Still, it comes down to what her sister feels, i really hope she wasn't too affected by it
No. 398563
>>396768Yes, for years, it's awful
But I also have ADD and a nice side effect of the meds I'm on now is how it's cut the intrusive thoughts by half. I've seen negative reviews online complaining about the "blank mind" effect these pills have, but I'm thankful because it keeps me from going into a binge-eating/self-harm spiral.
No. 399108
When I was 5 or 6, a girl a few years older than me threatened to tell on me for cursing and said the only way she wouldn't was if I went with her to the bathroom and let her have sex with me. I complied and tried to forget it ever happened. I kind of leaned on that event as I got older as an explanation and excuse for why I was so sexually fucked up (masochistic tendencies, attraction to older women, crying after sex, etc.), but if I'm honest, I could never really draw a direct emotional line from the event to my actions. When I look back on it now, it almost feels like a dream. I know it happened even though I never told a soul, but I can't summon any actual emotional reaction to it. It doesn't feel like something that happened to me. I couldn't even tell my therapists about it, and I don't know why, because it's just a list of facts in my head that feel pretty disconnected from me. The only emotion I can connect with anymore is how afraid I was of getting in trouble with my dad (he hit me a lot as a child over very minor offenses) and a lingering resentment that my fear of him put me in that situation to begin with. But even then, I feel more indignant on behalf of a child that I can't integrate with my current self. Even recalling the events factually now, I just feel nothing about it. I can't tell if I'm seriously over it or if I'm really fucked up about it deep down and can't tell. I replicated sexually inappropriate behavior with female friends when I was young, like kissing and touching, and I do feel some guilt about that even though it was never forceful. I don't know what the point of this is, I just wonder what it all means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. I can't even remember that little girl's face anymore. Sometimes I wonder what became of her.
No. 399142
File: 1716102302164.png (1.79 MB, 828x1792, IMG_1458.png)
I was raped at 3 multiple times and they are unfortunately my 1st memories. Even though what happened to me is severely traumatic I think watching the same man rape babies in actual diapers fucked me up more. Because of this I have always had a fear of older men. So many men tried grooming me when I was younger but none of it worked because deep down I have always been disgusted with men. Now as an adult, I only go for younger men but I’ve still been extremely conservative when it came to dating. I started seeing a guy 4 months ago and we recently had sex. This was the 1st time I was willingly having sex. Of course after we fuck he says he wasn’t sure he could do a relationship but still desperately wants me in his life. I’m retarded and fucked him 4 more times because despite my trauma, it felt really good. I ended up having my 1st panic attack in years after the 4th time. I never told him about my trauma because I’ve learned to keep that shit to yourself. Why did it turn out this way? I want to kms so bad.
No. 399230
>>399142Nona, you do not need to feel ashamed, regretful, or dirty that you had sex a few times without a relationship on the horizon just because it felt good. As much as anyone else out there, you deserve to have consensual sex that feels good. (I am guessing that what you're thinking is: 'it's manipulative libfem talk to say it's empowering to have sex that goes nowhere.' But the flipside of that is that it truly is hateful, incorrect, and regressive to think that having consensual sex degrades you in some way, and you don't deserve to carry that shame.) You deserve to explore and be curious and do selfish, silly, care-free things like that. One thing any scientist can tell you is that experiments fail and end poorly or inconclusively all the time, but you need to take risks in order to learn and collect more information and experience. I also think that when all of your experiences are bad and traumatic, it really helps to satisfy that curiosity and put less-traumatic experiences between you and the past, even if you don't swing immediately into a perfect relationship (in this way, you are simply like all of the millions of women who did not end up marrying their first high school sweetheart). I hope you can try to look at yourself with the same empathy that you would look at any friend of yours who tried dating around, slept with someone, and found out it didn't work before moving on to the next guy.
It sounds to me like you are a smart, thoughtful, and cautious woman, and I completely believe in your ability to balance protecting yourself and yet exploring the world and taking the risks necessary to find fulfilling romantic and sexual experiences. I'm proud of you for being so careful in the dating world as an adult, and I'm proud of you for taking a risk now, even though it didn't work out. Also fwiw I don't think it's always productive to tell people about the trauma too early on (and he wasn't the one, so does he even deserve to know you that deeply? no).
No. 412843
File: 1720448668874.jpeg (273.3 KB, 1179x823, IMG_0126.jpeg)
i was raped about two years ago. i’ve always enjoyed writing and after that happened to me, most of my main female characters have been survivors of rape in some form. they’re often similar to me in some way, whether in personality or appearance even if i try not to self-insert. in the stories, the rapists are always brought to justice (mine still hasn’t been despite me reporting him, he probably doesn’t even know he’s been reported because the police hasn’t done anything) or tortured to death, and the girl finds a boyfriend who loves and protects her and would never hurt her.
is this what they call ‘romanticizing trauma’? is it immoral of me to do this?
No. 412849
File: 1720449440640.jpg (254.32 KB, 2201x1668, 1000003175.jpg)
>>412843This resonates so much with me, I have so many characters that I basically use as trauma vessels even if it's just in my head. Don't feel guilty about this nonna, soulful creativity is never a waste, especially not if it helps you to process. My rapist will likely never be caught because I was so young at the time. Imo there's nothing immoral about seeking the justice and catharsis you were denied in fiction, because it shows that you KNOW you deserved better and can lead to a better understanding of yourself, if that makes sense. There are much worse coping mechanisms.
No. 412860
File: 1720450213367.jpeg (54.02 KB, 735x562, IMG_0127.jpeg)
>>412849ayrt, thank you so much nonna and i’m so sorry. sending hugs.
No. 415195
>>415158I was celibate for years before my current relationship and it did help me value myself more and stop throwing myself into shitty relationships, it did what I needed it to at the time.
I would be cautious about overcorrecting though, I wish I had spent more of that time exploring the issues I had with sex rather than avoiding it entirely, certain things have come back with a vengeance since I broke the celibacy.
No. 416114
>>416105Maybe you can use your life to help other people like you. I've thought about fostering girls if I never get married. You could help another girl that was hurt like you and make sure she has a nice home for a while, or prevent her from going to a home where she will be hurt. Or fostering animals too.
I really get it, life sucks and I've been suicidal too. Suicide isn't an option for me, so if I have to keep living, I hope I can at least help others for as long as I'm forced to live. I also have a chronic condition and spend a lot of time giving medical advice to other women online.
No. 416587
File: 1721430195859.jpg (71.85 KB, 1080x810, FB_IMG_1712767540507.jpg)
genuinely don't know how to continue living at this point; I feel like my brain is completely fucking fried from a combination of parental neglect, isolation from reality during the extremely developmental years of my life where we learn to model and understand relationships, horrible sexual abuse/being treated like a toy or nothing but a potential wife, and a chronically online lifestyle since I was 6 or 7. My entire means of understanding the world is through moeshit visual novels I pirated when I was young, the music I listen to is utterly incomprehensible and makes me seem insane if a normie asks about it, my hard drive is full of loli porn I like to project onto, and I spend most of my time too depressed to even get out of bed or bathe myself.
I'm stuck into this cycle where I'm terrified of girls due to every attempt at friendship self destructing bc I'm too autistic to understand their implications, so I hang out with entirely men, and when that happens, they all fall in love w me and conspire that I'm actually just using all of them for attention when all I want is genuinely just to find community in a place I belong..
And, even if that doesn't happen, people are so used to mobile devices and entitled to instant responses that they think you hate them if youre not constantly talking to them
It's so lonely, and it hurts so bad
I have no idea what i can even do to recover and start having healthy friendships. I need help but I don't know where to look. This sucks!!
No. 416606
>>416591context
my parents neglected me in favor of a BPD little sister who would intentionally try to get my parents to ignore her in order to validate herself, on top of alcoholism/domestic abuse/yadda yadda. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 6 and never really understood how gender was supposed to work; girls were supposed to like flowers and pink and be wives someday, but i liked dinosaurs and pokemon and bugs, i couldnt make sense of it and nobody really affirmed me that those things were dumb stereotypes..eventually I met a guy when I was 11 through liking anime that gave me a ton of attention and took up a parental role for me. He was 27 and i loved him to bits. Eventually i voiced thise feelings to him and he said he could help me be a better girl "look and act like the girls from [INSERT PEDO SHOW HERE]", which of course, wholeheartedly trusting him, i did. The conversations got more and more sexual until he eventually raped me when I was 12 yr old and dumped me out of shame right after. It wounded me so badly, the "advice" he gave completely warped my senses of what romantic love was supposed to look like and began to learn "my place" as a girl through the scenarios in those rotten images and games to the point it was so normalized I had no idea it was wrong for adults to feel that way torwards me. I trusted those adults who gave me those things with complete naivety, I was so innocent, I loved that man so much in such a puppyish way and he exploited that for fucking sex
I have no idea what affection is even supposed to look like or if I'm deserving of it, I keep those pictures not as something to masturbate to but as a form of self harm or a way of forcibly reminding myself what I went through, the way I was seen
this shit is fucking neurotoxic
it isn't okay
if I could pour gasoline all over my laptop and light it on fire i would. it makes me nauseous to keep all those reminders around, but I'm so terrified that if I threw away that part of myself, the part of myself I was groomed to be, I would lose who I even am
theres so much existential dread.
my entire relationship and experience with/to femininity is based on some japanese dude in 2003's child sex fantasy
It's like when I was a malleable little girl that plasticity was molded and forced into an idealized, sexualized version of girlish-ness, and now I'm forced to live out the rest of my life as some kind of doll or figurine what the fuck even am I
I feel like some kind of experiment gone horribly wrong, I know it's not too late and I can still live a normal life but it just seems so impossible
No. 417839
File: 1721751591043.jpg (15.02 KB, 338x338, hand-drawn-flat-design-shrug-i…)
I have a fetish like vore that can't be fulfilled in real life and it results in me being unable to get physically aroused by anything but fictional media. Sex still feels good, we just need to use lube.
How do I explain this to my scrote? I think he's going to feel inadequate if I tell him.
No. 417942
>>416587>>416606First step would be to get actual professional help. I would suggest deleting the content and trying out other media. Feeding into it won't help you. I know self harming is something hard get out of, but you need to want to stop it first. You need to take measures. Leaving that stuff on your computer and indulging into them won't help you in any way. Try out new things that will help you with new perspectives. That content was not for you, they aren't for you to see yourself into, they are for the disgusting predators. You clearly felt in your skin how bad it was to be in that place, so you need to stop associating yourself with that. That's not your place, they put you there and it's unfair, it will never stop being unfair and painful, but you're not a kid anymore, you can remove yourself from that. It's not easy, I'm not downplaying how hard it is, but it doesn't need to be that way.
No. 418926
File: 1722015947925.jpg (298.54 KB, 719x719, Yargh.jpg)
Is it possible to have symptoms of csa without having experienced it? Or could I have very blocked out memories?
>hate being seen sexually, but very sexually attracted to others
>repulsed by idea of being sexually touched or penetrated
>weird fetishes developed early
>sexually obsessed during puberty but didn't partake due to aforementioned issues
>foggy memory of father and stepmother watching me touch my genitals at age 4, but it was non-sexual and medical (could this cause my problems?)
>very unstable childhood, patchy memories from when I was with my father
>messy boundaries with my mother, unclear if some of our contact is inappropriate (she still uses the toilet in front of me, entered my room while I changed into my 20s, and commented sexually about my body…but in a mom way? Unsure if it was appropriate)
It's kind of okay. I just end up with people who are comfortable "bottoming" most of the time and I do gain fulfillment, but I also long for connection in this way. It is a nice sentiment when my partner is attracted to me and I'd like to actually enjoy it instead of have my skin crawl.
How can I find out if I was abused for sure?
And anons with my issue, is it fixable?
No. 419048
>>418926>messy boundaries with my mother, unclear if some of our contact is inappropriate (she still uses the toilet in front of me, entered my room while I changed into my 20s, and commented sexually about my body…but in a mom way? Unsure if it was appropriate)this can be one cause but also this stuff sounds like autism or some attachment disorders maybe.
>How can I find out if I was abused for sure?>And anons with my issue, is it fixable?the only thing that comes to my mind is hypnotherapy.
I fixed similar issues with
watching porn on ketamine kek No. 419101
>>418926The good news is that you almost certainly, 99.999% likely do not have repressed memories of being abused. I'm sorry I don't have a better reference for you than wikipedia, but if you look up "repressed memories" or "satanic panic," the wiki articles can give you an introduction to the fact that the idea of having blocked out memories of abuse that still affect you is largely a huge misconception that isn't supported by science, and the reason people think this is something that happens is because of several completely fraudulent pop cultural artifacts, like the book Michelle Remembers.
That said, your sexual hangups do not need a tragic backstory to be genuinely painful. This is a culture that treats women and sex in very ugly and stigmatized ways and I think a lot of women walk away from encounters with degrading porn, sexism from men, degradation of women in the media, and objectification of women in the media with a lot of fear and anxiety related to sex and their own bodies. I'm sorry that you're repulsed by the idea of being sexually touched and that it causes you stress.
Regarding your parents and stepparents: it's possible that their behavior still grosses you out and disturbs you even if other people would find it okay and not traumatizing, and it's possible that their behavior genuinely crosses a line. I don't have advice, but I hope that as an adult, you can distance yourself from any family members that are still acting in ways that disturb you or that make you feel uncomfortable.
About this stuff being fixable: I really, genuinely believe that it is, especially since you've identified it as a problem and something that you'd like to change in your life. I've had similar hangups (extremely sexual/horny yet shy/scared of sex) though my history of SA is different from yours, and at one point, I really felt like I had basically overcome them: after a mediocre but not actively harmful relationship, followed by a really good relationship, I made a huge amount of progress in the field of being okay with being seen sexually and being touched. Then, when I found out that my "good relationship" was with someone who had been cheating on me the entire time, the blow to my self esteem made me backslide a lot, so I'm not going to pretend I cured myself. But I do think that with a loving and patient partner and maybe some other active efforts to address your problems (a good therapist, and distance from any family members that contribute to your sex-related anxiety, maybe), you can work toward overcoming this stuff. One thing I do want to say is that if you try therapy, please look toward stuff based on logic, DBT, or EMDR as opposed to the sort of quacks who believe in or say they will help you recover repressed memories, however. I mention this just because the previous post mentioned hypnotherapy, which I believe can be a mixed bag of effective therapists and quacks.
No. 423786
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Nonas im concerned i may have genuine nerve damage and will never be able to enjoy sex after becoming sexually active with my Nigel, sparksnote version
>be me, born in a third world country, mom had severe complications during pregnancy
>wasn't born retarded or visibly disabled so doctors didn't care, parents told to power through any 'quirkiness'
>struggled with motor skills my entire life, didn't learn how to write until i was six or so because i couldn't hold a fucking pencil right, legs used to randomly give out, power through and learn to handle it, 19th century style
>normal sexuality development for autist, slightly odd fetishes but nothing out of the ordinary, never been abused
>try to masturbate
>can't figure out how it works, ie it doesn't feel good
>mental stimualtion is enough so give up
>now 25
>ongoing sex life with nigel
>get aroused like normal
>still can't feel anything
>um what the fuck
>nigel tries fingering/clit/oral stuff
>still can't feel anything, i have physical reflexes but no pleasurable sensation
>try toys
>can't feel anything unless i RAM it in there, to the point where cervix bleeds. a lot. no internal pain also.
I don't even know what sort of Issue i might have, I'm currently not insured so I won't be able to see an actual doctor, and honestly I don't even know if any Gynos would take me seriously because it seems like nobody has this kind of issue that it isn't psychological, my best theory so far is mild cerebal palsy but there's not a lot of resources on how that affects women's sexual function. Plus getting diagnosed as an adult sounds impossible.
It'd be so helpful if anyone had any other theories or tips.
No. 425193
>>425044Never. It's not a story you owe anyone else. You don't have to tell. He can't fix it.
Only tell him if it's a long term relationship and you have to explain why you do not talk to your family or a certain family member and you never will and you need him to not ask about it anymore etc. Even then, keep it to one or two sentences.
No. 437372
i haven't done anything sexual with anyone for about 1.5 years after a messy breakup. last night, however, i had sex with i guy i thought i liked a lot. we went on a couple of dates before and i was sure i want him. i like him a lot, he likes me, we're alone in his room, i'm turned on and everything's fine. then it happened. as with every man before him, i was flooded with feelings of immense disgust immediately post-coitus. i feel as though I've been soiled even though i enthusiastically consented.
I've entertained ideas of seriously dating that guy before this, but now the thought makes me sick. i don't want to see him again ever, though that might be impossible because we share a friend group. worst part, i think he's picked up on what i felt, and although he didn't mention it, i haven't heard from him since i left his house, which is pretty uncharacteristic for him. i think i'm about to be discarded and that makes me feel even dirtier even if i don't want to keep in contact myself.
i don't have a religious upbringing or any sexual trauma that i know of. i don't know why i feel this way. i feel perfectly fine masturbating, but with men it's all just gross and unsatisfying, every time. i thought it might be because i kept sleeping with people i don't find attractive, but evidently this is not the case.
i might become celibate from now on. as sad as it is to accept that i will never be able to experience the joy of making love, the way it is described in works of art at least, i don't think I want to try anymore. i was simply not built to be in a relationship with a man.
No. 439459
My husband has been curious about anal for awhile, so I figured we'd give it a go. He hasn't asked or pushed, he just likes touching my asshole and gets flustered when I ask if he's interested. When he's drunk he'll admit he wants to try it. I've done it before and felt it was only fair he tried. He doesn't really know any of my history, but I do feel guilty not doing some of the wilder things I have in the past with him even though he doesn't want to.
I didn't expect to bring up so many issues, but damn it really did. I've done it with three men before I did it before having vaginal sex, but it's always just been a bite the pillow, get it done with kind of thing. Dudes enjoyed the hurt, they enjoyed the filth, it was what it was. The first pushed and pushed until I gave in. I just wanted to cuddle. The later two men didn't ask first, just went for it. I think if that was the case here, it would've been easier.
But having to prepare for it so it didn't hurt him too and so it would be a good first experience really fucked with me. Spiraling thoughts of Why can't I do it easily now for someone who cares, why was it easy before, was it easy before or was it just easy to take it. Why am I so hurt now when I never thought on it before, was it rape, I said yes or just let it happen. I was there for sex anyway, I guess I wouldn't stop something bad.
To be fair it's been like this before, when I do something painful that men have always liked before, he just gets concerned and finds it painful as well. I was pretty proud of my deep throating skills, after all it's what momma said I'm good for.
It's left me feeling very vulnerable, I wonder if it's because I was so active in the act for once or it's the nature of the relationship this time. He's a little concerned as he noticed me being off and a bit more clingy, but I don't really discuss my sexual past so I just said it was rougher in my head than I expected. I don't want to sour anything for him either, he's pretty inexperienced. I thought I wanted him to be more deviant and rough, but now I'm thankful he isn't and his take away is "pussy is better, but thank you for letting me try, I prefer just looking at it."
No. 439461
>>438815I have vague memories doing the same thing with my older female cousin when i was around 10. From what I've heard, these things are pretty normal experiences to have as a child who doesn't understand sexuality or that it's a sexual experience.
Honestly, she probably does remember it, but it's no reason to feel like you have to avoid her or whatever. You were just kids who didn't understand what you were doing, stop beating yourself up over it. I think therapy would be hugely beneficial for you in dealing with the shame and guilt you have from the experience. It wasn't your fault you were exposed to porn at such a young age and it's not your fault or her fault that you both tried to imitate what you saw.
No. 439472
>>425739I didn't have my first orgasm for years. It's normal and it's fine. Frustrating as it may be, you just have to try a lot by yourself until eventually something clicks. Personally I found after getting my bloodwork done and finding I was anemic and vitamin deficient, and fixing that, I was able to orgasm way way easier than before. Make sure you're eating healthily. Other thinks like nicotine and drinking too much can make it harder too.
If you think you have vaginismus you should probably try going to the gyno and asking them about it. Good luck nonna!
No. 439484
>>439472Now that you think about it, I'm certainly anemic and have Vitamin D deficiencies, among others… I often feel like passing out when standing up too.
Did it truly fix it for you nonna? Hearing it could be related to a nutritional issue I was planning to cure anyway is encouraging. I enjoy time with my bf, and it's pleasant sexually, but I literally never had an orgasm in my life and it makes me feel bad. It'a also frustrating.
No. 439491
>>439484Vitamin D actually turned out to be the problem for me. I went on a strong course of it for about 2 months and after that not only did I feel so much better and more energetic, my mood and libido improved drastically. So yeah, I know it sounds like bullshit when people say vitamins and stuff are important but getting my levels fixed really did make a significant change to almost every aspect of my life.
If your body doesn't have the stuff it needs it's not gonna prioritise having an orgasm, so just think about that. It's normal for a lot of women to not have orgasms at first. So just figure out your health stuff and then keep trying. Hope it works out for you.
No. 440867
>>440866i’m so sorry
nonnie. i’ve experienced abuse for coming forward at worst and a lot of indifference too. it’s so painful. it feels like no one cares about us and just wants us to go away.
No. 442924
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Now I know that maybe also being a virgin has to do with it, but I feel so repulsed about the idea of having sex and even of conversations about it. I feel like a fraud, I never had any trauma of that nature, nor was I brought up in an extremely religious household and I should be normal, right? So why am I like this?
Yes, I had my “asexual” phase, but I got to the conclusion that it’s bs on my part since I do feel horny at times. Idk, it’s just that maybe since I developed early, I had many inappropriate remarks thrown at me and sometimes the bullying at school escalated into stuff like moids lifting up my skirt, nothing too serious. At least this is what I think started my repulsion towards the idea of being perceived as a sexual being eventually. Which is retarded on my part, these things are minuscule in terms of gravity and I let that affect me.
It’s just…the idea of having sex makes my stomach churn, which also affected my 2 relationships in a way - when sex was mentioned or when the convo got to the point of that flirty tone like “heh, we should fu-“ over text I always started having an unpleasant sensation in my stomach and started crying (never told that in neither of my 2 relationships. i’m bi, one was a moid a long time ago and my recent one was a woman). I feel like having sex will strip something from me, I don’t know what it is to be fair and saying stuff like “innocence” is laughable. Or maybe I’m just that type of prude that everybody hates. The thought of being seen sexually and in the most vulnerable state by a romantic partner eventually at some point of the relationship makes my skin crawl and makes me pull my hair out, it feels violating in a way. I can’t even masturbate properly too (the rare times that it happens anyway), I keep thinking about the pain and how pathetic and weird I might look.
The moment I will get some good money I must start therapy cuz what the fuck is so so wrong with me? I know I have never been normal but holy shit.
No. 445922
>>335170is it normal to be horny and want sex but during it u wish it would end already and u start crying? idk whats wrong with me and i dont want to talk to my bf about it because sex is a very important thing to him. im also a rape
victim but i think im already kinda healed from it
No. 446020
>>445924Thank you for your support, nonna.
I have to add that the main reason I blame myself for what happened is I should know better than to go sleep at a stranger's place, even when drunk.
If you look at the bright side at least I won't ever make the same mistake twice.
No. 447820
>>445922I know exactly what you mean. I’m the same way and I really don’t understand why. Sometimes I get exited to have sex and get really horny about it and daydream about it and what I will do during it. But the moment that if starts, I tense up and don’t get wet and it makes me nervous and I just want it to end asap. I’ll do the faking orgasm, so he can finish after and it will be over. It’s like I enjoy the idea of sex, but the actual act I don’t.
If anyone has any insight as to why this happens, I’m all ears.
I think for you nonna, despite being healed from your trauma, you might have that residual unresolved associations with it that affects the actual act of sex. I could be wrong though.
As for me, my first time was a rape, so maybe that’s why I don’t feel right when it happens, even if it’s with someone who loves and respects me. I’m not sure why I can’t let go
No. 448976
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does anyone know how to make the dreams stop
