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No. 49363

Any of you guys suffering from anything? because I am.

No. 49364

I have a skin picking disorder. It's fucking disgusting, I just cannot stop. I used to have such clear skin growing up but until I hit fifteen, it went down hill. I just pick, pick and pick. I think everything is a zit or something is in it but it isn't and I'm just peeling my skin off… my mother is just grossed out by it and my grandmother goes mad. I can't help it. It's getting worse.

No. 49365

>>124213
That sounds awful. Might want to try this over the counter supplement.
http://www.trich.org/dnld/NACarticle_InTouch55_rev.pdf
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3044191/

It helps me not bite my nails.

No. 49366

Nothing official.
Maybe being a shutin makes me not realize exactly how bad it's gotten since its hard to compare to outside

No. 49367

Suffer from ADD, anorexia and borderline. Life is great.

No. 49368

I have depression, agoraphobic tendencies (social anxiety) and mild OCD. I have onychophagia too which is a fancy way to say that I bite my nails and pick at the skin around my nails. Can't wait until i have money to burn so I can get fake nails bc my real nails are really ragged and it's so humiliating.

No. 49369

I've had severe social anxiety and depression since I was a teen. I also have a lot of body issues.

I'm basically a complete shut in at this point and I haven't had a job in two years. I live with my boyfriend who pretty much does everything for me, I can't even go outside if I'm by myself.

I'm too afraid to go to a psychiatrist because I'm unsure if there's actually anything wrong with me or I'm just lazy like my parents seem to believe. Also the thought of telling someone this is fucking terrifying.

No. 49370

>>124216
I have anorexia and borderline as well. Isn't it wonderful?

Also got OCD, PTSD, and social anxiety thrown in to spice things up.

No. 49371

>>124216
Lmao are you me

No. 49372

I'm normal!

No. 49373

Both me and my boyfriend have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I'm medicated for depression and anxiety, had a period of time when I was hospitalised for drug abuse and suicide attempts as well as disordered eating, but mostly the crazy subsided once I became medicated/got into a relationship and I started living a normal life again. I'm not even a neet anymore!

No. 49374

Diagnosed with and medicated for depression and anxiety since I was 14 (24 now). I've been on so many different antidepressants and nothing has made a huge difference, so I still struggle a lot. Right now I'm on Wellbutrin, which takes the edge off at least. I take Ativan for the anxiety and lunesta for sleep. I used to be on an antipsychotic called risperdal and that made a huge difference in my moods and sleep, but my endocrinologist took me off of it because it was having adverse effects on my PCOS treatment. That sucked ass.

I think about suicide a lot, though I haven't made any attempts so far. I do self harm. In spite of all this I manage to lead a semi-normie life. I'm working on my masters and I live with my boyfriend who also has depression, which is more severe than mine, but his meds have helped him a lot more. He still lives a more NEET life but he's improved a lot over the last year.

>>124218

Just go. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

No. 49375

Diagnosis:
>BPD
>Bipolar 1 with psychotic tendencies
>GAD
>trich whatever


>no friends

>social anxiety prevents relationships
>abusive family
>last relationship got raped/beaten up
>scared to go to therapy

Big problem I have with therapy/psychiatrist is that I have these delusions that they hate me/leave me (BPD I think) and that they hate me/want me to kill myself/they all laugh about what I tell them in private. Anyone have any tips on how to move past these so I can get more help.

I've done some workbooks/looking for more self help books to work things out since these help a lot

Positives
>back in school
>trying to help myself
>have a supportive SO
>fixing my acne finally

No. 49376

>>124212
I suffer from ugliness

No. 49377

Aspergers, BDD, EDNOS


No. 49378

>>124225
Same :/ Sending you a virtual beer so we can drink until we forget.

No. 49379

>>124227
;_; oh anon are you trying to make me an alcoholic?

No. 49380

My personal self-diagnosis:

>violent autism

>BDFGTTM
>byslexia
>Bi-Polariod disease
>Constant, unforgivable diarrhea
>Homicidal thoughts
>Homosexual thoughts
>Homogeneous thoughts
>Too easily aroused around trees
>Obsessive compulsive hoarding
>A heart attack

No. 49381

>>124212
diagnosed as tumblr personality disorder

No. 49382

File: 1439847139614.gif (453.89 KB, 380x290, 21cecm8.gif)

>>124226

No. 49383

GAD & SAD diagnosed
Derealization, ADD, Depression undiagnosed

I think a lot of it is from my undiagnosed ADD honestly

No. 49384

>>124229
Intense self diagnosing fucks piss me off. I get thinking maybe having something extra or one or two Max but Jesus. It's very rare that you would actually have those many issues. Most people over estimate their symptoms plus symptoms overall so it doesn't mean you have 90000 illnesses. It was also a hard journey to actually get diagnosed and you hurr my totally legitimate 600 illness is annoying. Grow up

No. 49385

>>124233
>>124229
Sorry should add I know this particular comment Is a joke but I was venting bc u reminded me haha

No. 49386

dysthymia.

No. 49387

I've been dealing with mental illness for about 12 years now. It's pretty much been my life. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, and borderline personality disorder. However I'm pretty iffy on the borderline diagnosis - I meet some symptoms but others are way off. I feel I meet the criteria for dependent and avoidant personality much moreso than borderline - but I guess I'm not a doctor so I could be wrong.

No. 49388

File: 1439880941057.gif (501.23 KB, 200x136, NHfHH.gif)


No. 49389

>>124236
Anon! We're brain twinsies!

No. 49390

>>124238
Woo, twins! How are you coping w/ everything?

No. 49391

>>124239
I spent all day sleeping and internet browsing. So, nothing accomplished, but no harm done, I suppose. "Stable" is pretty much all I can aspire to for the time being.

No. 49392

I have Aspergers Syndrome, Anxiety issues, Chronic Depression, Synesthesia, and theres a possibility that I might be Bipolar ad paranoid (Haven't been diagnosed with them, but I show the signs of each)

No. 49393

>>124236
>I'm pretty iffy on the borderline diagnosis
BPD is one of the most over diagnosed personality disorders. One therapist tried to say I had it, but I thought it was pretty off from what I read. No other therapist I've had since agreed with it at all, one even scoffed at the idea.

No. 49394

>>124241
why do people keeping saying synesthesia as if it's an actual mental illness to add to their lists? it's not

No. 49395

>>124241
You don't have synesthesia, stop diagnosing yourself with wikipedia.

No. 49396

Social anxiety and facial blindness.

No. 49397

- Bipolar/Manic Depression (whatever type is more depressive than manic. Is that how types are measured? I honestly haven't had to know which type in about 6 years.)
- PTSD
- Borderline (ha. ha. ha. It's getting real tumblr up in here.)
- Idiopathic Hypersomnia
- Circadian Rhythm Disorder

I think that's all. My PTSD gives me the worst memory loss I've ever known (ha.)- like, some memories I know are true memories, then the rest of my memory is all holey and sometimes I get a dream, but I don't know it's a dream, I think it really happened, and I have to go around and ask, "Hey, uh, did _______ happen?". It fucking sucks.

No. 49398

Had depression and social anxiety for 7 years but by far the worst is general anxiety which has made me insanely paranoid. I constantly think about car crashes, infectious diseases or being mugged and am 100% convinced I have lymphoma. Everything terrifies me, even the side effects or unknown risks of medication that might help.

No. 49399

>>124247
are you me?

No. 49400

File: 1440055269554.gif (1.41 MB, 490x276, the chief.gif)

>>124248
heh it seems like a lot of people here have similar issues. nice to know I'm not alone but I hope shit gets better for u anon

No. 49401

>>124249
I power-leveled about my anxiety in another thread so I feel like this thread is more appropriate for my whinging lol.

I just want to talk to other anxious anons so we can tell each other how silly we're being.

But I totally get what you mean about the GAD. I've never been diagnosed (& I hate to self-diagnose something like that..) but it got so bad it was the only thing that it could be.

I mostly obsess about my heart (I'm terrified of having heart problems) but there was a time I also convinced myself I had lymphoma because one of my nodes in my neck is weirdly bigger than the other & I kept worrying about it. I got a ct scan & they didn't' seem concerned so… I always find something else to worry about.

I was absolutely awful through 2014, but this year has been a slow climb to normality for me.

No. 49402

I'm schizoid (co-morbid with god knows what).

No. 49403

>>124250
Good to hear 2015 has been better for you! Don't worry about self diagnosing though, anxiety is a hard emotion to miss, especially at the level we're talking, and you know how you feel better than anyone else. I heard that a lot more people than are actually diagnosed live with mild anxiety issues without even realizing and think it's normal to be that nervous and stressed all the time.

But yeah, talking to fellow hypochondriacs is surprisingly reassuring. It's also great to be able to relate to someone about this stuff.
This board is so friendly it feels weird coming over from pt to here.

No. 49404

My anxiety is going through the roof again

I hear the television noise or the news and I feel like they are talking to ME. Like there is a secret code in the words they say. I try to tell myself that this is unlikely but it still scares me.

I keep seeing signs in everything. I see a book fall and I think it means that a relationship with someone is over for example. It's very distressing to me. I cry and feel scared because of this.

I can't see my doctors because I feel like they want me to kill myself, they want me dead. That they laugh at me behind my back about how pathetic and stupid I am.

I walk down the street and it's terrifying. The man that walks behind me is out to kill me, I think (i think this way I mean). I think about the horrible things that will happen to me, dismembered, raped, tortured,killed. i feel like I can't breathe.

Someone asks me to hang out, I say I will let them know later and smile. But inside I think, do not go with them, they are going to hurt you! they are going to kill you and strangle you and that will be the day you die.

It's hard

No. 49405

>>124253
This sounds like a manic episode or the beginning of schizophrenia my friend, please seek help
This happened to me and my life basically imploded. It took about a year and a half to get somewhat stable again, I don't want this happening to you.

No. 49406

>>124254

hey! Thank you for responding. Since you seem to know ab out mental health could you help me please? this is my diagnosis when I was last intern but I am having trouble understanding what it all means (I get some parts of it like bipolar)

"anxiety state; unspecified, bipolar 2 disorder, severe, hypo manic, with mood congruent psychotic features, in full remission; borderline personality disorder"

I will try to see a doctor but I am scared/stressed over it. I will find a way though. Part of me hates the medications because I am sleeping all day, very drugged, no feelings, feel sick etc

No. 49407

Does anyone here have a dissociative disorder? I was diagnosed with dissociative psychosis by my psychiatrist but I struggle to really understand it, since its not one of the main DD diagnosises.

No. 49408

>>124256
hello! this is the anon above

i do not have a dissociation disorder but i do dissociate under stress/certain 'triggers'

No. 49409

SNEAK
DISSERS(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

No. 49410

>>124257
I disociate with triggers as well, one symptom is I get into a screaming/crying episode that lasts for several seconds and goes away, if I hear a loud noise at home or sometimes at random.
Or if something makes me nervous and I remove the fear (by avoiding the problem or canceling an activity) I get a feeling of safety that I crave and I get into that weird state of a few seconds, but its like weird childish giggling fo a few seconds like I'm a kid.
Can usually contain it to when I'm on my own but I've had some close calls in company

No. 49411

Social anxiety does not exist sorry ladies. But too many of my friends say they have it for attention and to look cool I suggest you should stop like they should. Its really pathetic tbh

No. 49412

Possibly a dumb question, sorry:
How did y'all convince yourself (and if you're young, your parents/guardians) that you want to get help/a diagnoses?

Idk, my whole life I've been a total fuck up behavioural wise (anger tantrums(and then feeling bad immediately after), having different periods of time when I think mg relations are either out to get me/kill me, different periods where I feel that everyone I meet secretly hates me and laughs and talks behind my back, a secret society or government is watching me in my house, staying up crying because I'm afraid to die/be alone, excessive daydreaming that has interfered with mom work, isolating myself, getting paranoid and strong anxiety, strange long term obssessions with different things that could have messed with that time period of my life, so awkward that people tend to stay far away from me, doing absolutely weird ass shit according to my family and friends. In which I thought that weird ass shit was totally acceptable at the time. Many more things, but then this post will become too long.), and emotional wise.

Idk, I also believe that if I think I have something, then it may not be true. I'm trying to restrict myself from reading some mental illness pages because I don't want to read them and convince myself that I have it when I don't.

It'll be nice to know if I'm normal, but then its sort of a reassurance If I do turn out to have something even though I know it can't change the past, and it can't be an excuse for my shortcomings.
Lastly, If you did go to a doctor/therapist/psychologist, how did you handle the situation? Did you just say things that you've been going through, did you just say 'I think I have such and such?'
Sorry if I seem too Tumblr, But I'd hate to self diagnose! I may delete later out of embarrasdment, sorry lolcow.

No. 49413

>>124261
number one, don't expect other people close to you to help you. that's hard to hear when you're younger, but my parents didn't give a flying shit. and if they did, maybe i would've gotten help sooner. i figured because they didn't nobody did.

actually there are people who do care. and if you're in school, a teacher or counselor has to usually. if you're not in school, if there's a local community center, or something.

in the u.s for most states if you can get to a hospital and say you're hearing voices, feel that you're a threat to you or somebody else, they have to bring you in for observation.

health insurance is another story.

No. 49414

>>124260

that's great and all but you shouldn't base the vast majority of society on your dumbass friends

No. 49415

>>124263
I guess you identify as "socially anxious" maybe you just need to grow up. Or you'll never become a woman just a girl. Its your choice really

No. 49416

>>124242
Ah, interesting. Thank you anon. Maybe I really don't have it after all then. Hopefully I can get some second opinions soon!

No. 49417

>>124262
Ah, I see. Thanks for being straightforward. I want to.believe my parents do care (as they send me to doctors regularly for physical health problems), I think it's more of a case of denial.
We don't have any community centers around (our mental health care is terrible where I live, and mental illnesses are sort of stigmatized), but I can try to talk to a counselor I guess.
As you guessed, I am pretty young (16+), but I'm afraid to go to the counselor because I feel like she's going to think Im crazy or say something out loud while other people are listening. Or she's going to reveal my info to a bunch of teachers or something?
Her and I are pretty cool though, so my thoughts are contradicting me right now.
Only reason I feel okay to talk about this here was because we're anonymous, and the only way people will figure out who you are, are by IPs right?

I don't live in the mainland, but I don't think I'll ever check myself in. Reason is because when I heard/saw the people up there, they are the truely violent crazy types you could kill you in an instant (Consisting of druggies and people who were sent from somewhere else, so their usually state aide family doesn't have to deal with them). I honestly don't think it's that bad.

Probably I'll wait until I go off to college before I talk about health insurance with my folks. For reasons stated above.

No. 49418

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>>124264
Wow, the stupidity is unreal. Bravo anon.
But don't make comedy your full-time gig, stay in school.

No. 49419

General anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD, and mild OCD. Surprise, surprise.
Anxiety's really fucking with me rn to the point where I can't ask former professors to be a reference for me, because I'm scared they're going to think badly of me for whatever reason. For grubbing for help, I guess. I shouldn't need to ask anyone for help for anything. I was an average student anyway, so why would they even want to help me anyway. And that shit goes through my head like constantly dealing with anyone ever. ffs.
So yeah I'm just a chronic terminal fuckup. Cool.

>>124264

this bitch is trolling, right? ok.

No. 49420

>>124268
Dyspraxia too, although that's not really a mental disorder so much as developmental bullshit. It might add to my feeling like a total fuckup tho. My fine motor skills are kinda fucked, with would be ok I guess if not coming from a bullshit artsy family and being pushed into music lessons and art lessons that I ultimately epic failed at. It was really nice to finally get a dx when I was in college, a neat little explanation why despite practising 2x as much as my peers I was still rubbish at drawing/piano/etc., but I still feel like a failure sometimes.
Ah well.

No. 49421

I have major depressive disorder with some occasionally hypomanic tendencies. A couple of weeks ago I spent about a week and a half IP and they changed my mess all around. I'm now on Cymbalta, Topamax, Lithium and Seroquel. Xanax PRN for anxiety. Getting used to a dosage increase in Seroquel because it makes me sleep a lot.

No. 49422

Not diagnosed with anything, but I occasionally have periods of what I think is gender dysphoria, but they're few and far between. I also hit the majority of symptoms for Avoidant Personality Disorder but it's probably just coincidence since I'm too young to be diagnosed.

No. 49423

haven't read all the replies
19 stopped taking my low dose of generic Zoloft after like 1yr? took it for depression and social anxiety(lol) not trauma induced but brought to full force from being hit by a car while being a pedestrian! Anyway as said before stopped taking my 50 mg dose after a long bought of anxiety that had never been prevalent to that extreme in my life before. So idk I've been feeling definitely an improvement in my quality of life since before it all really started but a small part of myself still remembers how i used to feel and function and I'm scared that i could regress? but at the same time i want to know/prove to myself that i can live life "normally" without meds….. talking to a counselor before has not done much and having weekly appointments with one stressed me out more than it helped
Lol anyone else in the same boat

No. 49424

Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) with occassional major depressive disorder (its called 'double depression' when you have both apparently lol), and generalized anxiety disorder. Taking effexor and wellbutrin. Will probably be on effexor forever because I'm terrified of coming off of it because of the things I have read. >>124268
I'm also terrified of asking people for references. I don't like asking anyone for anything because I feel like it would be a waste of their time.

No. 49425

>>124273
When I came off Effexor I felt doubly depersonalized and drunk. Not more depressed, just annoyingly dizzy. Every time I turned my head even a bit I felt a tiny whoosh of dizziness. The same thing happens to me when I sleep 16+ hours. Went away after 2-3 weeks but I thought I fucked up for the long run.



I found pills ultimately didn't really make me feel significantly better. I do believe they work for others but for me they mostly just made me more numb which is what I'm trying to avoid since depersonalization is really annoying. Wellbutrin especially didn't work out for me and gave me absolute hell. After upping to the next dose I felt ridiculously paranoid for 2 weeks even after discontinuing and I had brain tingles for 3 days on the higher dose. Felt like my head was frying. I was crying nearly nonstop from waking up to going to bed. I kept making myself walk around outside just to try to shake off the funk and I couldn't stop obsessing over my own mortality and everything felt like pure evil. I felt like one of those crazy people wearing a tinfoil hat peering through the window. I guess if something has the strength to make me feel that terrible, there's the possibility someone can feel fantastic with them. I've tried too many types and am content with where I'm at for now though.

No. 49426

>>124274
Pills don't seem to help me either. I've tried Zoloft, Prozac and Vibryyd, but there was no difference at all (sometimes even worse anxiety/paranoia and more suicidal ideation). I'm on 450mg of Wellbutrin XR now, but I don't feel all that different - I have a little more energy and not as paranoid or suicidal, but that's the most improvement I've seen. I still feel like I'm dragging. I'm thinking about just stopping.

No. 49427

having major depression, ADD, aspergers, anxiety, athritis, dysphoria, chronic illness since childhood and really annoying skin picking issues sure is a lifetime of fun.

i can't remember shit and have been dissociating more and more over the past few years, people seem to think i'm just trying to be ~ditzy and airheaded~ as a cute joke or something when i walk into a wall or forget what i'm doing.

No. 49428

I have major depression with psychotic tendencies (but I haven't had a psychotic episode in a while, thankfully), generalized anxiety (mostly just agoraphobia), PDNOS (self defeating), and bulimia (which might get re-diagnosed to just BED since I binge more and I'm not purging much anymore).

I used to be in university and I was doing okay with lots of friends and then everything just got hard. I went from As to Fs just because I would miss class from being unable to get out of bed. I haven't left my house for non-doctor visits since March… I'm just so afraid of existing, and I have panic attacks whenever I go outside, so I just try not to at all. I finally getting treatment, but I feel like it's too late. I've already lost my friends, my scholarships, m education, and anything I enjoyed. I'm disappointing everyone. I really wanted to die, but i afraid of dying fat. I just really hate myself.

I have a really wonderful boyfriend who's been trying to help me, but I just want to break up with him because I'm worthless and I hate that be has to deal with me. I'm trying to stop SHing, but it's natural at this point. I'm sorry for whining. I almost don't want to post this, but I don't really talk to anyone else about this.

No. 49429

anti social personality disorder

I guess it's not really 'suffering'. Though I sometimes think it'd be better if I wasn't self-aware/diagnosed. I'm pretty functional on the scale but can still see how it's affected my life.

No. 49430

Anorexia nervosa, obsessive-compulsive disorder, autism spectrum disorder (an Assburger), sensory processing disorder, major depressive disorder, gender dysphoria (I'm "scum" who believes that being trans is a medical condition) who knows what else. I also am almost positive I have brain and nerve damage from an episode of severe serotonin syndrome. I'm almost always suicidal, but I won't commit suicide. I think life, in general, is suffering, and I want out. I'm just too much of a fucking pussy to end it.

No. 49431

File: 1441232275469.jpg (25.08 KB, 355x236, crey.jpg)

I'm depressed, avoidant, extremely isolated and socially retarded with a fucked up body image. I don't really want to kill myself, I just wish I were never born. My life feels like a huge joke. Today I tried expressing some of my feelings (big mistake) since I thought it'd be healthy or something, but mother said she feels like a failure because of me so that's nice.

No. 49432

anorexia nervosa, major depression, and social anxiety. Lately, urges to self-harm and thoughts of suicide have been increasing as well . I'm trying to hold it together enough to go to university this fall, but it's really hard.

No. 49433

>>124253
>I hear the television noise or the news and I feel like they are talking to ME. Like there is a secret code in the words they say. I try to tell myself that this is unlikely but it still scares me.

>I keep seeing signs in everything. I see a book fall and I think it means that a relationship with someone is over for example. It's very distressing to me. I cry and feel scared because of this.


I have this as well. I have no idea why but it scares me a lot.

No. 49434

>>124280
she might be saying that because she feels responsible for your suffering and not to be cruel. My mum blamed herself for my past problems and confessed she felt like a failure for me not being happy. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, although I am not pretending to know your mum better than you. I hope things improve for you anon.

No. 49435

>>124283
Thank you. I know she cares about me, it's just I hate myself a lot and now I hate myself even more knowing I make my mom feel like she failed as a parent. It's probably difficult and stressful having to take care of someone with deep psychological issues so I understand. I wish I wasn't such a burden on her. How did you manage to get over your past problems?

No. 49436

>>124284
I completely understand feeling like a burden on your mum. I sometimes could not bear the guilt and shame of having turned out so fucked up when my parents deserved a "normal" child, and being financially dependant on them to boot. Combined with low self-worth, it's like a poison inside you and it adds up to the pain you already feel. I truly hope life gets better for you anon.

What helped me was therapy, medication and looots of support from my mum and my boyfriend.

No. 49437

>>124285
>mum

Are you from the UK?

No. 49438

>>124286
So what if they are? How is it relevant?

No. 49439

>>124287
just wondering, sorry.

No. 49440

does anyone else ever feel like a horrible mean harpy girlfriend? I hate physical intimacy 90% of the time. Don't usually want to have sex with my bf.

I wonder if I shouldn't just be a hermit. I'm an emotional recluse. Opening up is just exhausting. I can take care of myself. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.


Ugh.

No. 49441

>>124286
I am not from the UK, but I attend college there.

No. 49442

I feel like I'm becoming autistic. I know that isn't possible but lately I've become hypersensitive to things like noise…I've even started pestering my boyfriend to speak more softly. Shutting doors, foot steps on the stairs, even the TV, all of it makes me feel like I'm going insane. Even shit like notifications on my phone set me on edge (like the number badges on apps indicating emails, missed calls, texts, etc). I think I'm experiencing major sensory overload and I don't know why. The badge thing on my phone has ~triggered~ me so much that I deleted the reminder to take my meds, so I forget to take them now, which I'm sure is making everything worse. I feel literally insane. My psychiatrist is going to have a field day next week.

I just wanna be normal :(

No. 49443

Chronic and severe depression (been going to therapy and I'd say the level is not so severe anymore).
EDNOS

Been pretty depressed this past year, and dropped a bit of weight without trying. But then I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts at the ER (thought my appendix was bursting), and endometriosis… so they put me on a seasonal birth control, but it's made me balloon up 10 lbs in the last month. My appetite is insane, it's literally 4x more than my normal amount of eating. My stomach feels awful all the time too. I'm seriously so fucking depressed about my weight gain. So far, it's not even helping with my cysts.

Sorry to complain to you guys, I just don't know who to talk to about it because I feel like no one in my friend group understands. And the one friend that does, I don't want to talk to her too much because I'm afraid she'll feel burdened and want to kill herself (long story) because her mental health seems very unstable.

No. 49444

>>124247
>>124248
Where do I meet people like you? So lonely

No. 49445

I feel empty and agitated lately. I don't enjoy anything anymore and I have such bad anxiety I get fits. I can't sleep at night because my anxiety and ocd. Also my sex drive is gone. I feel like killing myself but I wont. I have been diagnosed with anxiety generalized, ocd, bipolar but also have been suggested by a doctor that I have a personality disorder instead of bipolar. I have had different psychiatrists considering I have been hospitalized so much. Oh and I have cysts on my ovaries causing hormone problems which are heightning the mental issues I already have. When I try to sleep I will be almost there then a horrible thought screams at me out of nowhere and my anxiety worsens. I saw my regular psych and he gave me a new med but when I took it I felt nauseous and got worse anxiety. He said it takes a month for it to help and I might be worse till then but I can't handle that I am already so bad

No. 49446

>>124294
I should add that I haven't been able to get a psychologist counciling yet and I got off zyprexa a couple months ago and it can take up to two years for withdrawal to go away

No. 49447

>>124291
I feel you anon, I'm autistic but I don't think what you're getting is necessarily caused by autism. I get what you're describing pretty much 24/7 and I'm pretty sure it's very very severe anxiety, kinda like being hyper alert 24/7. I'm not sure how to help but I just wanna let you know you're not alone, I end up turning off all my alerts and muting my phone out of fear that it'll send me into a panic.

No. 49448

yeah, I'm struggling a lot right now

I have chronic depression that has followed me for much of my life. I also struggle with anorexia and social/general anxiety. I've been in a relapse/psuedo recovery cycle for a few years , and I've even tried electroconvulsive therapy as a last result to treat my suicidal depression. my whole story isn't important though.

About a year ago I was at about the same weight I am now (~17bmi) and due to pressure from loved ones, went to PHP and then residential (it was a disaster. I didn't make any progress and it was exceedingly unhelpful). Since then I lost weight and went for months without psychiatric support. I just started at a new school (university transfer) and I feel like I'm drowning. I'm a lot more active and I'm losing weight without even trying. I am secretly ecstatic about this weight loss but in the back of my mind I feel like I'm on thin ice and I'm really pushing my luck. Basically, I'm balancing a full course load and an exhausting eating disorder and it's definitely rough on my mental health.

What really sucks is that I feel totally alone in this. I don't have a therapist or psychiatrist and I don't see my doctor that often. I don't feel "thin enough/sick enough" to seek treatment, and I can NOT handle dropping out of school and delaying my academic progress YET AGAIN. So while this is self-imposed, it(life) feels like a lot to handle and deal with. I really hope I can make it through this term without crashing and burning but sometimes I feel like it's inevitable. Can anyone else relate to dealing with both university and an eating disorder?

No. 49449

>>124297
heyo you sound a bit like me. depression/anxiety since forever and a nice bit of disordered eating.

Youve got to realise that mental health is an illness. Just as chronic fatigue will drain you of energy or the flu kills your appetite. Dont feel like youre not sick enough for treatment, ive seen people go for less.

At the moment you sound too sick to be expected to do full time study, explain to your teacher or staff member that youre having issues and are feeling strained. They should be able to give you extensions or offer alternate methods of study.

By explaining your situation, (rather than waiting until you burn out) the uni should understand that you are committed to learning and will be more willing to help.
What about part time study? I tafe 3 days a week, work 2 days a week and try and spend the rest doing productive things I enjoy. This way I get less overwhelmed and get a bit more enjoyment out of life.

See if you can find a therapist who is willing to recieve texts and emails out of hours.
I recently had a breakdown at work and probably would have lost my job if not for my psych being there to call.
Sometimes I also feel theres nothing wrong with me and that I dont need to see a psych, but other days I feel like everythings wrong. Thats when I send my her an email and we discuss my concerns at the next appointment.

Its normal to feel alone when youre depressed, you may be avoiding things or people may avoid you because of your mood. Just remember that alot of people also feel depressed and alone, just a small smile or a compliment can make someones day and you'll feel better for it too.

This probably doesnt help much haha.
Best wishes anon, ill think of you.

No. 49450

>>124298
I just wanted to say that your advice did in fact help
I thought it over and decided to go part time this term and dropped my most intensive class to give my schedule some breathing room
thankfully I dropped it within the period that gives me a 100% refund
it was nice to receive advice from an outside perspective, thanks for your kind words anon

No. 49451

bpd and npd.
I've had problems all my life, psychotic episodes and severe anorexia and depression, but I wasn't diagnosed till I was 29

No. 49452

>>124299
Nice that you got the refund!
best of luck, just be open and honest about your depression and you'll find people can quite understanding because theyve gone through the same things themselves

No. 49453

has anyone on this site not got depression or an eating disorder tho? its like the hottest trend

No. 49454

Depression with incredibly volatile mood swings. Struggling a lot right now. I was prescribed risperdal which was a miracle drug for me - it combated my insomnia and helped my moods. My endocrinologist, who treats my PCOS, took me off of it because he said metabolically I can't handle the medication. So my shrink put me on lamictal instead, which is weight neutral - but 2 weeks into it, I broke out into hives everywhere, and had to be taken off of it. I really hope there's another (weight neutral) option for mood stabilizers for me out there, because it's so exhausting for me and everyone around me to be so up and down all the time.

No. 49455

>>124303
I was also allergic to Lamictal. Ask your dr about topamax - it's anti-seizure medication but indicated for moods too.

>>124302

These kinds of sites tend to attract the mentally ill. Do you think normal, well adjusted people join communities specifically to mock other retards?

No. 49456

>>124302
get out you normie fag. we only allow sarcastic girls with poor mental health and social skills here.

dont you have a mall to go shop at or a party where you can mix with other normies? why are you even here?

No. 49457

>>124303
>>124304
damn, i thought the lamictal allergy was supposed to be rare. i'm on it right now and have been for 9 years. i'd be wary of topamax. it often has cognitive side effects aka it makes you stupid. a lot of anti-convulsants do. but yeah, i've read that topamax is terrible in terms of mental capacity.

i'm on lamictal for seizures, though. i had to be taken off of keppra because of it's horrible side effects which included making me stupider. i was off of anti convulsants for 2 years, though, and holy shit my mood swings were CRAZY during that time. i wonder if i "need" them to maintain my mood now too.

def still feel stupid on lamictal. i've gone on month long stretches where i just don't want to take it, and i feel less stupid. but yeah, i hope you find something that doesn't make you dumb.

No. 49458

>>124306
It makes sense, unfortunately. Seizures are usually caused by overactive brain activity. Most anti-convulsants reduce brain activity in one way or another. They definitely should only be taken if there's no other option.

No. 49459

I have pretty bad depression but my meds have me stabilized at the moment. I also have conversion disorder and trich. I was literally having seizures for days and was shaking in my sleep because my CD/anxiety was so bad. With the trich, I usually pulled out individual strands of hair and ate my hair follicles. My mother had to vacuum my room every few days because there was so much hair everywhere. Gross, I know.

That was about a two years ago. It never really went away, but all of that stuff is manageable for me now. It was a really dark time for me. I had to be institutionalized twice, too.

If any farmers are going through a really rough patch, shit'll be fine as long as you talk to someone whom you trust. Have a good support system and talk to people. That's the first step. It's a long and difficult process, but recovering is possible!

No. 49460

I dunno if I am. I already deal with depression but it's not major like I can't do anything at all. A few days ago at the shop I work at someone came running in with a gun, pointed it at my face and told me to give him the merch and whatever was in the till. My coworker was with me but the entire time I was scared he was going to shoot at us. The cops did come but only 2-3 minutes after the guy left. I was fine just shocked then, but now it's starting to feel worse? I'm getting flinchy at things and people. I don't want to be like this. Any suggestions..?

No. 49461

Sometimes it feels like I had the DSM thrown at me. Borderline, Major Depressive Disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, insomnia, EDNOS or OSFED as it's now called and PTSD.
But on the bright side, I'm finally down to 3 pills a day for this shit as opposed to 12 3 times a day. God that fucking sucked.

No. 49462

It sounds like hypersensitivity. Like your body is coming down from an adrenaline high. The best advice I can give is to do something that helps relax you and brings you back down safelt and slowly. Bubble baths, listeninf to gentle music, reading, etc.

No. 49463

>>124306
Really? I didn't feel dumb on Lamictal. Calmer, less anxious/edgy. Drowsiness was the worst side effect until I got the rash. Now that I'm off it I'm back to feeling like I'm about to snap all the time, so I'm willing to try another anticonvulsant.

No. 49464

>>124307
yeah. i read an article on it

>>124312

the drowsiness is very annoying. at one point, i was sleeping 12 hours a day every day. i only need 5-6 hours when off of it, but on it, i easily sleep 9+

No. 49465

I'm becoming a shutin. I'm 23 now and it doesn't feel like things are going to get any better. I've started seeing a therapist last week but I can't see how that's supposed to help. My parents are such nice, social and normal people, I'm ashamed as fuck. I've been contemplating killing myself in a few years. I wish I could just be normal but I failed so many times, I just can't do it anymore.

No. 49466

Kind of OT, but does anyone know of a good sleeping pill (prescription preferred) that reduces/eliminates the frequency and intensity of nightmares? My doctor is useless and the current tablets I'm on just makes my nightmares even worse

No. 49467

>>124315
What are you on right now? I take Lunesta, I don't get nightmares very often on them (where I used to get terrible nightmares all the time) but I do get very vivid and strange dreams.

No. 49468

>>124316
I was recently prescribed zopiclone. I think my nightmares have gotten worse on it and now I have memory loss after taking it and forcing myself to wake up from a nightmare

No. 49469

>>124314
I feel like I wrote this myself many years ago and still, here I am. I wish I knew the answer to help you.

No. 49470

>>124314
are you cute

No. 49471

Anorexia and depression officially.
Well, weight restored but still i eat like a weird mother fucker.
After diagnosis i was able to better identify and control my thoughts and behaviors somewhat, so now when i feel like absolute shit for no reason, or just wanna you know…. die, i chalk it up to dperession. Took meds for a year or two but quit because fuck ssri brain fog. Id rather feel my emotions, even if they are shitty.
My family also has anxiety and ocd issues as well as rampant alcoholism . Life is great

No. 49472

Diagnosed avoidant personality disorder, schizoid, some panic and anxiety shit. Major depression. I suspect I have the 'tism as well.

No. 49473

>>124319
I guess. I look younger than I am, probably because I haven't really done anything with my life. Guys always treated me kind of like a younger sister or sth but that might just be because I have no clue if someone is attracted to me or anything. I used to care a lot about my looks but now I realise it doesn't matter.

No. 49474

File: 1446083173166.jpg (69.39 KB, 540x540, tumblr_nwuczg59bq1ujpc0do1_540…)

Depression is at an all time low. I'm having my worst semester in school yet, sleep deprived in spite of having a Lunesta prescription because my anxiety is stronger than the pills, even if I take 9mg of them, so I'm only getting a couple hours a night. I've been wearing the same shirt for 5 days. I've slept in it, gone to school in it, gone to work in it, I've showered and put it back on. I don't have the energy or capacity to care.

I stopped taking anti-depressants after nearly a decade of trying several different kinds (Zoloft, Prozac, Vibryyd, Effexor, Paxil and Wellbutrin), because they do nothing for me, just give me a bunch of side effects. I am on Topamax to even out my moods. It makes me feel extremely numb, which makes me care even less about school and wearing clean clothes, but it's better than sobbing hysterically or raging out of control. Oh well.

No. 49475

Anyone have mentally ill parents? My mother has complex PTSD and BPD. I'm a psychology major now, so basically all I do is over-analyze shit from my childhood and I am pretty sure that this played a big role in my mental health (or lack thereof)

No. 49476

does anyone here ever assume that when people compliment you on something, they are laughing or lying?

I realize that I think this almost all the time whenever positive attention is directed toward me. Especially when it's about my body (rare) or clothes. I don't trust anyone to be honest about how I look. This bleeds into other parts of my life. (for example, I assume people fake-compliment ideas I have, too.)

No. 49477

>>124323
I would look into ECT therapy. i got bc im resistant to drug treatments and it changed my life

No. 49478

>>124326
What is ECT like? I've heard so many mixed things about it, and my bf is REALLY against it.

No. 49479

Bad anxiety and depression, I never go to a psych long enough to see if much else is going on. My doctor keeps urging me to go to therapy and back to a psych.

I don't believe therapy helps though to be honest. Talking about things make me feel shittier,I kind of get comfort in just forgetting shit.

I feel like I'm never going to be off medication, been on them since I was 15 and I'm 22 now. Sometimes I feel okay like I can maybe leave the house, though 2 days later I just crash and not leave my room for days. There's been times I haven't stepped outside for 2 months at a time. I can't seem to have healthy relationships with people (family and friendships) so I just withdraw myself from such things not to cause trouble.

No. 49480

>>124327

super quick, no pain (sometimes a little muscle soreness but nothing really bad), non drug therapy which is cool, super safe, extremely effective and works very quickly (faster than meds)

i don't know why anyone would be against such a safe and effective therapy that works super quickly.

No. 49481

>>124282
Yesterday on my way home I saw a train on the opposite platform with one of it's signs glitching. I really thought it was talking to me so I tried talking back, like it could read my mind if that makes sense. I kept saying to it if I shouldn't kill myself then glitch more and then freaking out when it didnt. I had to leave the train station. Stuff like this has been happwning more recently.

No. 49482

>>124330
you should go see a doctor

No. 49483

>>124329

Anon's boyfriend has probably heard some horror stories. I know a woman who had ECT and it nearly completely wiped her memories from before the procedure, permanently. It didn't help her depression, either. She's more suicidal than ever. When I read that you were recommending it, I almost went on a rant about how dangerous it is, but decided to research instead.

I've never learned anything about ECT or how safe it is until googling it. Apparently what happened to my acquaintance was quite unusual. I imagine a lot of people are just grossly misinformed. No one really talks about it. I didn't even know if it was still legal, actually.

No. 49484

>>124332

Honestly, that story doesn't sound real. Thats the kind of thing that would happen to people in the 30s, where they would put electrodoes on both sides of head and use intense electricity to essentially brain dead patients lol

now its low volts, on only one side of head and no real memory loss (unless its VERY slight, just like a light retrograde amnesia but no too common)

there is just a lot of stigma about it USED to be used and how it is portrayed in movies.

it's VERY safe, VERY effective, and results are VERY quick :)

No. 49485

>>124332
not saying you are lying but im saying that is very unlikely to occur unless she was botched by a back alley doctor 1800s style

No. 49486

>>124333
>>124334

Hm. Well, it is a true story. Believe it or not, I guess. It wasn't a back alley hack job. Her doctors weren't negligent or running some kind of outdated practice. Sometimes it just backfires unexpectedly for whatever reason in a very, very small percentage of people, hence my use of "highly unusual" in my last post.

I won't be trying it any time soon just because I'm a pussy and I'm scared of even mild, temporary amnesia, lol. Anyway, it sounds like you answered your own question. People are just uneducated.

No. 49487

>>124330
hope youre trolling. creepy ass shit

No. 49488

>>124328
i'm just like that, except i wont take medication. i also cant seem to get attached to people emotionally.

No. 49489

>>124323
this is why im so averse to even giving meds a chance

No. 49490

>>124329
I think I'm going to ask my psychiatrist about ECT at my next appointment. I don't know if she'll actually recommend it or anything, we've never talked about it, but I guess it's worth a shot - she has been a pretty good doc to me so far.

My bf thinks that ECT is all "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," I guess. He doesn't believe that it could be as safe as it's claimed to be now, and the treatment as it is now hasn't been in use long enough to see the long term effects, and that it causes brain damage, etc. Which isn't necessarily an unfair argument, but you could make the same argument for a lot of modern day treatments, including antidepressants.

I think he's worried I'm going to turn into a blubbering retard or something but he doesn't understand how miserable I am and how hard it is to go on every day wishing I was dead.

No. 49491

>>124330
Please talk to your doctor. This can lead to full blown psychosis.

No. 49492

>>124338
It's not like that for everyone. Some people the meds are a life saver, but for others they do nothing or make you worse. It's a gamble, but it can be worth it, just talk to your doc about it.

No. 49493

>>124282
>>124330
ya'll sound schizotypal i'd get that checked out asap

No. 49494

>>124339
ECT is a last resort thing. Dont believe in >>124329 words about how safe it is and how it is quick. It isnt. Memory loss is a common side effect (usually short term though), and is only suggested for extreme cases when nothing else works. So likely your doc will suggest other stuff first.

No. 49495

>>124343
huh? it IS safe and it IS quick to work. Those are facts.

Like I said, retrograde memory loss IS a side effect but it usually it not debilitating or intense.

In case you didn't read the post I originally replied to, I replied to someone talking about how DRUG THERAPY did not work on them. ECT is great for DRUG THERAPY resistant depression (Obviously doctors try meds/therapy before ECT)

caps is not for yelling it is to "highlight" the words :) english is not my first language

No. 49496

Are psychiatric facilities really as bad as people tell me? I'd like to hear some opinions about it.

I have a huge phobia of being put in one of those places so I'm never 100% honest with my doctors and therapists. Though I've had my mom threaten to get me put in one because they don't know what to do with me anymore.
I honestly don't think any of my medications are helping, I get hopeful when I start a new medication, but always ends the same. Either my anxiety is too bad, or my depression gets too bad. I no longer know what to do and sometimes wonder if going to one of these places would help even a tiny bit. I feel completely fucked.
Always having to bury suicidal thoughts, nothing makes me happy, and if I'm happy it's only until right after the thing is done then the depression comes back. I'm a hikkikomori so I don't really do things often that make me happy. When I do go out I'm either drugged up on xanax/Klonopin or drunk.

No. 49497

>>124345
I've been 4 times. Twice was ok, the other two times were horrible. Keep in mind the 'horrible' ones were at 'top rated' hospitals in the US.

It helped me since I didn't kill myself but honestly they treated me so bad sometimes. When I would cry they would tell me to shut up, made me stay in the geriatric part of the hospital which was scary and dirty, I got strep and couldn't move and they pretty much let me have a high fever and not eat or drink anything.

No. 49498

>>124345
I've been to the same hospital twice, this is just my personal experience so take it with a grain of salt.

I was 15, my mother admitted me because I was severely depressed and I was drinking way too much to the point of alcoholism. It was like prison for sick people, and the drug you up good.

At first I was kept in this room, it was almost like a drunk tank. It was super nasty and absolutely packed with people, most seemed to be mentally ill homeless people and addicts.

I can't remember either of my stays too well. I was there for like a week, or maybe two weeks. They make you take medication and I didn't want to take it because of how it made me feel but I was very young and scared so I didn't want to get in trouble by not taking it. The beds were very uncomfortable and it was honestly like prison. Concrete, scary people, it was not fun.

I'm still very selective when I talk to people about my issues. I never mention self harm, suicidal thoughts or homicidal thoughts, or my paranoia because I never ever want to go back.

I should mention they didn't help me through my withdrawals at all. I don't know if you have ever experienced alcohol withdrawal or watched someone go through it but it's fucking hell. I have withdrawn twice, once at home and once in the mental facility and it was made so much worse being in a foreign place surrounded by sick people and "doctors" that didn't give a single shit about you. All while super drugged up to the point where you can barely even walk or open your eyes.

It was Green Oaks in Dallas, Texas. If you live in this area I would strongly recommend you go somewhere else. I'm fairly certain my mom had me admitted there because she was sent there involuntarily by my dad when I was 10 and it was bad enough that she refused to talk about it.

This is only one facility though, obviously my experience doesn't speak for everyone.

No. 49499

>>124345
You sound like me a few years ago. I eventually signed up for classes at a community college and forced myself to start going out into the world, but as soon as I graduated from the technical program I was in, I did a total faceplant and my life fell apart.

Anyway, psych wards themselves aren't generally that bad. It really depends on the hospital, but I've been in some that were actually pretty nice, and I met some very "interesting" people. Hearing some of these people talking about going through some of the same things I was going through was nice, too.

Up until a few months ago, I had a psychiatrist I thought I could trust. I confided in her about how bad my depression and suicidal thoughts were. Bad idea. Even though I didn't have a plan and wasn't going to actually go through with committing suicide, she called the cops on me, had me sent kicking and screaming to a hospital on a 72-hour hold, and "terminated our relationship." So, while I'm not going to outright tell you to LIE to a doctor or therapist, I'd warn you to be cautious of what you say and how you phrase things. If it sounds like you're actively planning on killing yourself, the person may be legally obligated to send you to the hospital.

The worst part, in my experience, is if you're involuntarily admitted/put on a hold and they make you stay in the psych ER because they don't have room in the actual inpatient psych unit. You wouldn't have this happen to you if you arranged for a voluntary admission, but it's has happened to me every time I've been hospitalized (all involuntarily). The psych ER "rooms" I've been in have been fucking terrifying; they usually just have a bed (or, one time, a thin mattress on the floor) and a camera in the corner, a tiny window in the door, and that's it. You're stripped naked and have to wear awful one-size-fits-all scrubs and can't keep any of your belongings and sometimes aren't even given food or water. If you put up any sort of resistance or hurt yourself or anything, you're restrained, and trust me, that's an experience you DON'T want to have.

I just got genetic testing done through this company: https://genesight.com/ to determine what type of "metabolizer" I am (which genes you have at a few different alleles determines how fast or slow you metabolize different substances, including psychiatric medications). I don't know if it's something your insurance covers or that you can afford, and I'm not sure if you'd be able to find anyone to do the testing in your area, but it actually determines which medications should work as expected and which you should avoid because they could be ineffective or even dangerous. I was fascinated to find that some of the drugs I'd felt just didn't work for me were, apparently, ones that I was metabolizing "ultra-rapidly" and thus not getting much use out of…

This post was kind of all over the place but I hope things get better for you.

No. 49500

>>124345
It depends where you go. I have been to four different ones. One was amazing but could have a little better therapy and such, One was the children's of that one and was shitty as fuck because it provided no treatment except pills and we had to sit in a room all day and couldn't even nap. One had great therapy but it was really hectic and this one set of workers had no idea this girl was not supposed to be by herself so she wound up ripping her skin out with her fingers. That one was also a children's one. Then another was just so fucking shit. I wasn't abused or anything but the staff was disorganized and one was a rude bitch. The therapy there also sucked ass because it was literally 36 women in one room all having to talk about a certain topic 4 times a day then a group once a day of about 12 men and women talking about themselves in general. Also 36 women had to share one bathroom and two telephones since we couldn't use our room's bathroom except during shower time and at night when we had to stay in there. The room was also pretty small and there weren't enough chairs for everyone. We did get to have pet therapy though and also paint each other's nails and play a wii at one point but it was only once or twice a week that happened.

No. 49501

i cope with untreated bipolar disorder

No. 49502

Depression and probable eating disorder. Possibly just ednos dunno.

Afraid to get fat/gain noticeable weight. Feel like shit after eating til full, want to purge but fear of vomiting (I'm obsessed with my teeth). I just know that if I had my own scale I would be on it daily.

I don't eat if I'm tired, frustrated/angry/depressed. I drink mostly tea, coffee, or water. I have select foods I like to eat. I also gave a myriad of food allergies so my selection is even smaller.

I feel as though if I hit another rut I'll completely lose it and end up anorexic or something.

No. 49503

Horrible emetophobia, to the point where I was afraid to leave my house for a while.
I think I also have just general anxiety along with depression, but I don't really know, I'm going to see a therapist in December finally so yay.

No. 49504

>>124346
>>124347
>>124348
>>124349

Thank you for sharing, I guess there is no way to know if it will be okay since it seems so random..

I'm just getting closer to being done, I've already attempted suicide once but got out of going to a ward. It's like everyday I think of different ways I could kill myself, even when I have things to do the second it's done it's like the dread comes back to me. My night terrors are getting bad again, I feel like I'm at a dead end right now.
I've also tried the not taking medication thing, I become completely not functional, simple tasks seem impossible, head completely blank, pacing, doing just abnormal things.

I know what people mean when they ask "do you hear voices in your head?" but sometimes I want to just say yes, even if it's just my own voice constantly telling me what to do and what not to, I know it's a side effect of just anxiety, but it feels so extreme.

Sorry for more rants, I'm half drunk and can't manage to get myself to fall asleep. This is the only place I can really say everything about the suicidal thoughts.

No. 49505

Not sure if this is the best place to ask but how do you tell if your therapist is any good?

No. 49506

>>124353
This anon again, I really think I'm going to admit myself sometime next week, but I was dropped more bad news and I'll end up as more stress for my family. I don't think can continue lke this anymore, I feel like any day now something will trigger it.

No. 49507

>>124351
honestly me. I don't have any food allergies (that I'm aware of anyways) but I barely eat large plates at once, I guess I make up for it by snacking a shit ton through out the day. I'm terrified of gaining weight and I hate the feeling of being full so even if its a meal I love, I stop eating as soon I get that fullness. I'm also terrified of vomiting so no purging, which I wouldn't want to anyways tbh.

I've been getting really far into the dumps and my anxiety has been soaring lately. I've been doing weightlifting and pilates cause it eases my mind, makes me feel better, and I can look better too. The weightlifting makes you gain weight through muscle, which is a good thing, but still I get anxiety looking at the scale cause of the scale going higher.

idk what to do. I lose weight so easily but I hate large portions of food, I want to have some weight on me, but I don't want to actually gain weight. I think I'm kinda skinnyfat and too thin at the same time. It sucks. Been struggling with some form of body dysphoria for years now

No. 49508

>>124356
shit meant body dysmorphia/body dysmorphic disorder not dysphoria

No. 49509

>>124356
I think we're the same person.

I want to gain muscle definition, and just like you, I don't want to see the numbers on the scale elevate.

I'm not sure I have dysmorphia. I never thought about that before.

No. 49510

>>124356
I would've replied sooner but the new boards fucked me up and I forgot the thread name. am the anon you're replying to..

that's exactly how I feel, regarding the eating. I don't have anxiety, but I do have these weird, random bouts of paranoia. I feel that it gets more frequent as I'm aging and nearing independency.

I've also been lifitng weights and I haven't gained much at all. it makes me happy because yay no noticeable weight gain but sad because I genuinely do want to have muscle definition.

>I lose weight so easily but I hate large portions of food, I want to have some weight on me, but I don't want to actually gain weight.


all of this.

I want to get checked for a personality disorder. my mother has bipolar disorder and depression and insomnia and her fear as always been that I'll have what she has and so far her fears seem to be coming to life. I've got the depression, the insomnia, and I might have the bipolar disorder. I stress might because I don't know for sure. I have extreme highs and lows throughout the day or I'm just plain emotionless. I've honestly lost interest in my hobbies (art, reading, music) and it depresses me further because I would love to be able to do them again without getting bored or impatient easily. it's hard for me to concentrate on the things I love.

there's so much I'm feeling, at the moment, I apologize for the blogging. I want to have a relationship so bad but I push them away all the time, I can't help it. I can't help treating them like shit either. like they're nothing to me. all I do is use them And I can't stop. and lately I feel like sex is the only answer to how I feel. like it'll give me that moment of feeling alive. I feel so fucked up inside and I can't even vocalize it in reality

No. 49511

>>124359
I can relate with you 100%

No. 49512

>Autism (specifically aspergers)
>Anxiety disorder NOS
>Child-parent relationship problems

But a psychiatrist was pretty sure that the anxiety disorder is actually complex PTSD. Which is kind of logical, because the panic attacks and anxious ridden periods only happen after things remind me of a trauma or after periods of stress. And well, it would be a miracle if I didn't develop a form of PTSD.

I'm also pretty sure that I've got literal anorexia, like not anorexia-nervosa, but just loss of appetite because of a medical disorder, which in turn caused me to become underweight. It is turning into legit anorexia nervosa though, because I'm starting to become afraid to gain weight and get to a healthy weight.

I would like to get treated for the anxiety/CPTSD stuff, but therapists seem so hung up on DBT and CBT and I respond very badly to those forms of therapy.

No. 49513

Got diagnosed with PMDD after a long battle of being just diagnosed as general anxiety disorder/depression. Took citalopram and propanlol. Didn't realise my period was fucking me into oblivion. I'm looking into birth control as I go fucking crazy depressed, angry and dysphoric. Recent months i've started self harming but scratching until I bleed and bruise. This usually happens when I flip my shit at something, such as have an arguement with the boyfriend and i feel myself get hot and start shaking uncontrollably (I guess that's just adrenline?). Feel pathetic and ashamed about it after. It's almost like I have two different mental states. There is no grey area for me. I'm either ok or i'm not.

No. 49514

I've suffered from disordered eating for as long as I can remember. I usually go through long periods of overeating (because I love comfort food so much), which, oddly enough, leave me at a 'healthy' BMI of 19.5, then undereating. I'm a bit scared now because my periods of overeating are getting shorter and shorter and the undereating ones longer, and I'm reaching lower weights.

I usually stay around 57 kgs while overeating (I'm 172 cm tall, for reference), start eating less, get down to 50 kgs, see myself thin, feel it's safe to eat, gain back. This is somewhat safe, I'm used to it.

Things went on like this until around my birthday on 2014; turning 20 made me freak out I was going to get old and wasn't spending my "young time" being thin. I started losing and hit 48 kgs on Christmastime 2014, then gained back to 55 and maintained it until June of 2015. That's just six months of eating "normally" (what I feel is overeating), when the overeat phase used to last a whole year or more. Last June I started losing again down to 47 on New Years Eve then spent half of January over eating. A week ago I realized I was fat (I only gained back to 50 kgs) and went back to restricting.

My "overeating" phase lasted for less than a month. I was 50 kgs and felt as fat as I used to at 57. I'm 48 again now and /still/ think I look like I weigh 54. I'm convinced I have a small frame and that's why I weigh so little and still am so fat. It also means it should be safe to lose down to 42.

This is eating me alive. Literally, lol. Sorry for so many details, I just wanted to talk about it and there's no one to turn to. I don't want help either, I just want to lose the fucking weight and stay thin.

I also suspect I have mild autism, which would explain the strict (even when eating 'normal' amounts) eating patterns.

No. 49515

I used to be diagnosed with severe depression. The diagnosis didn't quite fit and all the medication I took and professional help I got didn't do a thing. This went on around 5 years (different doctors, psychiatrists etc.) till one doctor finally thought that depression might not be the case. I got slapped with a borderline personality disorder (holla, joining the bandwagon) and to tell you the truth when I read the description I was so happy that I started to cry. After years of unsuccessful treatments and diagnosis I finally got one that explained my behavior, moods and thoughts.

I was in therapy for two years (DBT). During that time I stopped taking depression medication, got my shit together, finished school, moved to a new place and started slowly turning into an awesome, kickass person instead of that human wreck I used to be. My therapy stopped around half a year ago, for my psychotherapist thought that I don't fulfill the requirements for bpd diagnosis anymore. I still have the traits and sometimes need to remind myself about the skills I learned at DBT, but other than that I'm definitely getting better every day. There's still a lot to learn for the past 8 years have been very slow-paced for me and I've been complete a mess.

No. 49516

>>124262
>but my parents didn't give a flying shit. and if they did, maybe i would've gotten help sooner. i figured because they didn't nobody did.

A friend of mine, who was maybe 11 or so at the time, had told her mom she thought she was depressed, and her mom's response was "No you're not. Don't believe what your sister tells you."
Her mom has a lot of issues (ultimately abandoned my friend in the hospital after she severely cut herself, and left the country), and my friend has even more issues because of her lackluster parents and bully of a sister (at the time, anyway. her sister has matured, her parents…not so much)

No. 49517

When I was 13 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, after I had (casually) pointed out a small graph in my school health book that listed symptoms of depression to my mom. Went to many therapists but I would never talk, or I was talk about easy things in our "opening" conversations, but when it came to me and what I was feeling, I would shut up or just shrug. I was put on a few different medications over 1.5 years or so, including an unneeded anti-psychotic by this incredibly bitchy asian psychiatrist, which ended up making me gain 30lbs in a very short time. (years later I ended up finding this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/28/business/28psych.html)

I ultimately just refused to leave the car or go talk to any psychologist/iatrist, so because they couldn't talk to me, I ended up going off of the meds.

A little over a later (8 years ago this month), I started posting on a website, and built a bond with a small bunch of other ragtag teenagers. We spent almost every free moment of our lives talking to each other on the website or AIM over the next three months. This was more therapeutic than any psych I could ever see, than any medication I could ever take, than any outpatient program I could participate in. There was a split moment one time, when I was talking to them on AIM, where I felt what I could describe as pure bliss. I hadn't been happy in so long, yet a bunch of strangers unknowingly did more for me than anything or anyone else ever could.

After this point I still had some small periods of lowness, but in general I was fine. That is until a little over a year ago, though increasingly since last September. I've been nothing short of miserable and constantly tell myself I wish I was dead (and similar), which is something new for me. I also gained 10lbs since then and that's not helping either.

No. 49518

I have chronic anxiety but it's actually become fairly manageable, well, most of the time at least. But my doctor recently prescribed me some fast-acting melt-on-your-tongue type medicine for panic attacks so that's nice.
I actually had really severe depression, anxiety, and bulimia then anorexia for almost a decade during my preteen and teen years. It sounds really cliche but finally learning to treat my body right, just get outside, eat healthy, and do exercise and meditation completely turned around my life and mental health. I used to be so debilitated by my mental health issues, no meds ever helped. I was a shut-in who couldn't even attend school (it's a long story how I was able to graduate high school since legally I shouldn't have been able to). But my college has a great disability center and helps me out a lot.
I definitely encourage anyone struggling with mental health in college to get all the benefits and support you can from your college disability center. Also doctors really aren't bullshitting when they say that regular sun, exercise, real food, and yoga/meditation help a lot. Good luck to all you guys; I know mental health issues are a tough battle to fight every day.

No. 49519

BPD, EDNOS, GAD, depression and dermatillomania. Profesionally diagnosed, not selfdx. My old psych said it sounds like I used to have BED as a child, but now I have EDNOS.

No. 49520

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Probably depression, I'm somewhat sure about that but gettin an official diagnosis would be nice.
I'm also terrified of knowing what's wrong with me or someone else finding out if I get diagnosed. Pretty sure my parents (mother mostly) would be ashamed if they knew that something's wrong with me.

I'd like to get help and lead a normal life but I have no idea where to start and work is getting in the way. Is it possible to get a therapist via your doctor? Or do you have to go to a private one?

No. 49521

>>124369
Your standard doctor will probably be able to refer you to a local therapist. Most doctors should at least know the names of one or two decent psychiatrists/psychologists around. My doctor even told me about local programs built to help people cope with mental health problems. It's nice to speak to people you know who can refer you to someone they actually got help from, but in absence of that option, a doctor referral is fine. Also remember if one therapist doesn't take the right approach for you, or you don't see yourself getting along with them well enough, there are other therapists out there with different approaches and personalities.

No. 49522

>>124369
I feel close to the same way. I'm pretty sure I have more than one mental illness. I probably have something like bulimia and extreme social anxiety but I've never been to any professional.

I wish I would have done something earlier because now I'm 27 and it's been so long since I had any sort of female friend I can't even talk properly to females any more.

No. 49523

My eating disorders and depression are taking everything away from me. Sometimes, like today, I feel the urge to tell my family, but then I feel like I would regret it, they will make it as it wasn't a big deal.
It doesn't feel real, the way I stuff my mouth with food, how I dress up and go outside home even though I hate it, just to go buy some food so I can binge on it and then it all goes to the toilet.
Tomorrow, I'm going to feel disgusting, fat and depressed as fuck. I know the cycle. I know but still, I can't control it. It's like my brain just switched something off or on(???) and then I found myself in the kitchen.

ooh man, it's going to be almost 4 years. I wonder when those pains in my chest are going to kill me so I can stop living in this body that I can't accept and control.
Living is beautiful, but my brain makes all shit.

No. 49524

I'm autistic and it's currently ruining my life.

I try so hard to remember all the social conventions that normal people use and do the right things with my face/voice/body so I don't look like a weirdo but I'm under so much stress atm that I just can't. It doesn't help that I also have depression and keep spiraling deeper into it when I do things wrong.

It's also fucking with my relationship. Since I'm so stressed out 24/7 I'm regressing in a lot of ways and it's fucking shit up between my boyfriend and I. He loves me no matter what and is willing to stick with me but I just feel like he can do so much better than me.

I know it's morally wrong to say this but I really wish there was a cure for autism. I hate being like this and I just can't do it anymore.

No. 49525

>>124373
I'm really sorry you're going through this anon. I hope it's some solace that honestly, 99% of people don't fucking matter whatsoever so regardless of what they think of how you act, just put yourself first, yknow? Autism is pretty common so people are used to seeing those "different" behaviors. And if they're not or they judge, screw em. At least your boyfriend understands you and supports you which is what matters most, not random fucks. I know it's easier to talk positive than it is to feel positive but I've found that being like "no one gives a fuck so neither do I" can help a good deal in reducing stress in public. Best wishes to you

No. 49526

Just anxiety and depression (probably caused by the anxiety)
My anxiety is also caused mainly by my emetophobia, it's absolutely horrible, I can't go outside without watching everyone around me for the slightest idea that they might be sick or not.

No. 49527

>>124370
thanks anon, I'll probably lose my work contract at the end of March so it might give me some time to focus on this

No. 49528

File: 1454578850712.png (34.2 KB, 809x808, 1432068637959.png)

I feel like I have everything in the book. Shit just hit the fan when I was 11 and started going through puberty. That plus coming from an abusive home didn't help. In all, I've got BPD, OCD, PTSD, GAD, and BED. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, though I think that and BED stems from being Borderline.

I've seen multiple therapists over the years and have taken way too many different medications to count, but nothing has worked. At some point, I gave up and just lived with it, but in the past few years, I've been trying to find another therapist. The problem is that I'm poor as fuck, but still over the poverty line by a little, so I can't afford to see someone, yet can't get assistance either.

I'm starting to get really worn out. At times, I think about throwing in the towel, but I can't because I've got people relying on me for support. I've actually been struggling a lot with relapsing this week. Nothing sounds better than being completely shitfaced for a few days, but I know I'm going to piss a lot of people off if I give in.

No. 49529

I suffer from Psychosis and Anxiety (GAD), both are pretty severe and I'm on medication for dealing with it, but sometimes I feel the meds I'm on aren't strong enough as I can relapse from time to time regardless of keeping up with them.

I'm on Fluanxol for my psychotic episodes and Sertraline for my anxiety.

I was also diagnosed with Reactive Depression some years back but failed to follow up with treatment, I occasionally fall back into it whenever a stressful event happens in my life.

Other than that, I'm suprisingly a really outgoing, considerate and well-loved friend. Sometimes I don't understand why considering how much of a fuck-up I feel I am, so I try really hard to keep it all to myself because I'd hate to be seen as looking for pity or validation.

I hate living in my own head most of the time, y'know? I just try to keep busy so that I don't have time to linger on my thoughts too much.

No. 49530

I have depression, I've had it for four years now. I don't cut, or cry but I do have suicidal thoughts. I obviously don't have help, and I'll probably be dead before I'm 30.

I get kinda anxious in social situations, but I don't think I have social anxiety I've always been a shy person-it's not a big deal.

No. 49531

so, i'm seeing a psychanalyst and i'm really sceptical. is that all bullshit or is it still a legit thing? anyone tried psychoanalysis?

No. 49532

>>124380
try scientology kek

No. 49533

File: 1454714833858.png (23.66 KB, 181x414, tumblr_mtd7lvIXx41rnz2tdo1_400…)

I have depression and anxiety. I've been on medication for a year and a bit. It was working out pretty well for me until about New Years. Ive been feeling really down again and have been having regular suicidal thoughts.
I have my regular check up with my doctor in about five days so hopefully we can figure something out. I'm on 150g effexor and 30g cipralex. I'm a little conflicted though since I really don't want to up my prescription anymore.

No. 49534

>>124380
Depending on the issues, it can be the best possible treatment. Take advantage of it! It took five years of shitty DBT to find one and he's a godsend

No. 49535

I have social anxiety and I feel like shit all the time .Too scared to get a job , my friends don't text me anymore and probably just don't care in general about me. Still lives with my mom and i feel like a burden to her . But at least i see a psychologist 2 times a month , it helps. I also never had sex in my life and I'm 21 . Anyway , it could be worse I guess…

No. 49536

I'm not sure if this is considered a mental problem but I have several periods in my life where I feel like I don't know what to do with my future even tho I study and trying to prepare for… It's switching back and forth between feeling happy about life and then switching to the complete opposite and I'm questioning everything I do. Future scares me like hell.
I'm also not very social and would consider myself as an introvert. It started to get worse when I lost my reference person 3 years ago and I basically shutting myself down and not letting anyone know what is going on with my feelings. It's hard to trust somebody. Even tho I want it. The relationship to my parents is not the best as well.

No. 49537

>be adult female
>have above average iq (aka not a complete retard)
>serious memory and attention issues since puberty that have interrupted my schooling
>go to multiple psychs
>"lol you are just stressed chill out biatch"

tl;dr I am 99% sure I have ADD, but every doctor I've seen thinks I'm faking it for the stims

No. 49538

>>124384
We're pretty much the same except I'm almost 23.

No. 49539

>>124386
Same miserable boat as you anon, fortunately I recently returned to uni and was able to be tested and marked my educational abilities at the 95% percentile and my short term memory marked at 10%, but it's not ADHD and so the doctor can't give me meds. Even though it clearly affects my attention span.
Maybe you have something similar, if not ADHD or general poor willpower. It's hard to get support for anything that isn't ADHD, but there are tips for building concentration online etc. Good luck.

No. 49540

>>124388
It…had not occurred to me that I could go to my school. Sadly, I'm now at a shitty community college (that's how far I've fallen) and am not sure they'll have sufficient resources. Worth a try, though.

Honestly, at this point, I'm basically being forced to resort to shady methods of self-medication. Have you found anything that works for you?

There's this misconception that intelligent adults cannot have ADHD or some other attention span issue. Plus, it manifests itself at a far later age in women than in men. If you're not diagnosed as an 8 year old boy, you're screwed.

No. 49541

Diagnosed:
Anxiety and BPD.
To confirm:
Psychosis

No. 49542

>>124389
Definitely give it a try, keep pushing at student support if they try to brush you off. It's good for your peace of mind even if it's otherwise useless.
unfortunately I haven't been able to find anything that helps keep me on track other than having lists of what it is I'm meant to be doing around me at all times. I wish I had the balls to buy meds online but I'm too scared.

No. 49543

I've had depression and anxiety diagnosed since I was 15, started in high school after a messy break up (obviously didn't cause my mental illness but I think it started my spiral into it) and got to the point where I dropped out of my final year and spent 2.5 years doing nothing but smoking weed because anti depressants weren't working as fast.

Now I'm studying in a course I actually like, so I'm motivated and my depression has receded, which has apparently given anxiety a chance to take over. I'm pretty sure I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but I don't see how a diagnosis would help me further since I already have a xanax prescription. I stay home for weeks at a time except for class despite having two social circles that don't seem to hate me.

Seems like I'm choosing between continuing my current lifestyle or going out more at the expense of a xanax addiction

No. 49544

>>124391
I get what you mean. I'm too scared to use DNM, and some of the nootropic sites, though legal (I think), are kind of sketchy. And you'd need to research which ones will work for you, anyway.

I got ahold of acid IRL once, and honestly…it was one of the best things I'd ever done for myself. All of my baggage, anxieties, attention issues melted away for about one day. If I had a steady supplier, I would just give up on chasing Adderall from a psych and just microdose acid. But life doesn't work that way, sigh.

No. 49545

does anyone here have health anxiety?
mine has flared up over the past few weeks and I'm going to book CBT sessions (if my holter comes back fine).

I've had the anxiety for a while before this and when asked about medication I would have said no but now.. I'm seriously considering it if they suggest it. I can't stand the anxiety attacks anymore.

No. 49546

>>124394
oops. forgot to add my actual question into all my babbling.
Does anyone with health anxiety have any experiences taking medication for it?

No. 49547

File: 1455682197909.jpg (63.03 KB, 640x626, nice.jpg)

I'm a failure at everything, or mediocre at best. I'm a burden to those around me who are just resigned to putting up with me out of obligation or pity. My family is very clear that they wish I was never born but thankfully I've finally found a reliable and even painless method of death to end things finally. My only regret is not knowing this when I was in elementary school and first realized my life was pathetic and worthless. Btw this is not a threat post as I'm not saying anything about when or if I am doing this, just stating my situation given the opportunity to finally do that for once without being immediately dismissed.

No. 49548

File: 1455688485952.jpg (23.44 KB, 500x327, yeah idk.jpg)

Diagnosis:
>Social Anxiety Disorder
>Major Depressive Disorder
>Anorexia
>OCD*

*My therapist has been hinting at it.

Eh. As melodramatic or outrageous as it sounds, this sort of reality where I feel apathetic and bored with everything or one where I feel I'm constantly being ridiculed feels more legitimate than one where I'm happy and doing things that make me happy. My happiness never seems to last and tends to be spotty at best.

Other things that probably aren't important:
>I've gone through the whole psych. panel; apparently my IQ is relatively high.
>Currently passively suicidal.
>Bored with the few friends I have.
>Never get out of the house except for class
>About to graduate and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

No. 49549

When I was a young teen I was diagnosed with Conduct disorder(CD) and Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior(BFRB) so Dermatophagia of the knuckles. So basically I bite my knuckles and pick at my knuckles. My CD was more of a problem when I was teen at school and stuff, but now that I've hit 18, I think it changes to ASPD. My knuckle is my biggest right now but it's really quite hard to stop.

No. 49550

>>124397
>>I've gone through the whole psych. panel; apparently my IQ is relatively high.

god I hate when mentally ill people casually mention that their IQ is apparently relatively high.

No. 49551

>>124399
this. what a bunch of snowflakes

No. 49552

>>124399
As soon as someone mentions IQ, you know they're dumb as shit.

>>124397

>My happiness never seems to last and tends to be spotty at best.
Life is about contentment not happiness

No. 49553

>>124398
A fellow Dermatophagia sufferer! I bite around my finger-nail area. I do agree, it's very difficult to stop. I don't like how BFRB is categorized. When were you diagnosed?

No. 49554

>>124399
>>124400
>>124401
I've never understood this recent phenomena of casually tagging on a high IQ along with mental illnesses. Is this a recent thing or has it been going on for a while?

In any case, who cares about IQ, really? I've known people with high IQ scores to be the most socially stunted and unaware people to exist, especially when it comes to exhibiting basic common-sense.

>>124397

>>Bored with the few friends I have.
There's a very high chance that your friends feel like they're stepping on egg-shells around you if they're aware of your illnesses. I'm afraid you'll have to make just as much as an effort as they do to engage socially with you, it's not all on them to make you feel like you belong.

No. 49555

>>124403
Apparently certain mental illnesses do have a correlation with somewhat higher IQ's, so I can see why the two happen together a lot. As for people mentioning it, it's probably their attempt at making themselves feel better about their life or self-worth. I can imagine being like, "wow, I'm so depressed and I feel like shit about everything in my life, but I guess at least I'm kind of smart, so that's something." That's just my take on it though, some people could be genuinely arrogant, but then again narcissism is heavily linked to shame.

No. 49556

>>124393
You can buy several unscheduled psychedelics legally online. I suggest ETH-LAD. It's even better than LSD imo but overall very similar.

No. 49557

>>124399
>>124400
>>124403

IQ doesn't mean shit if you're too fucked up on meds or your illness to do anything with it, so I guess just let them have a bit of self-worth, no matter how hollow it is.

No. 49558

I'm seriously embarrassed about the MH bullshit I've got and desperately hope my in laws and employers never learn the extent of it.

No. 49559

>>124403
I know a lot of autists who do this because they use it to cope with their crippling social struggles.

No. 49560

>>124404
idk. I feel like it’s an attempt to make yourself look like a sad troubled genius. part of glamorizing mental illness in general. and what I really hate is the casualness in which it gets mentioned. like „oh and by the way I have a high IQ but it probably isn’t true anyway, whatever, lol“. fucking humble bragging.
I got checked for several mental illnesses but I never let anyone tell me my IQ because I’m so fucking scared it might be below average. maybe I’m too judgmental.

No. 49561

Severe anxiety over stupid shit like being in a car, elevator, airplane, basically any situation where I'm not in control. Bpd and bipolar disorder. ADD but everyone has ADD.

No. 49562

I'm so stupid. I had an episode earlier and started cutting.
I'm so scared what will happen from this. I don't want to make it a habit, but knowing me it'll become one, and I'm afraid of what my therapist will do if she knows.

No. 49563

File: 1457006365873.jpg (9.85 KB, 185x249, 1426896511581.jpg)

Diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, MDD, and anorexia. Currently on a cocktail of medications that don't help at all. I don't know if switching them would help, I've been on many antidepressants but just decided to stick with Zoloft because I didn't want to go through switching to a different one again after trying 4 different ones. I haven't been to a doctor in a couple months because I only need to go every 3 months to get refills on my medicine now, but I'll go this month, so I can at least tell my doc that it isn't helping..But I think I'll just be even worse off without them, at least I'm numb to the pain with meds.
A big part of the reason I feel so terrible lately is because I recently lost a family member I was close to, and since then I've just felt apathetic towards everything in life. I feel like I want to die every day because I know I'm a failure. I'm of age and live with my parents but still young, I don't go to school or work, I don't know what I'd want to do if I did go to school, my parents don't have the money for my schooling, I'm too much of a fucking spaz to work like any normal person, I'm just pathetic. I have no drive or purpose even being here. Then when things get bad, when I finally stop being an emotionless fuck for once, I panic, and am forced to see all the awful things I've tried blocking out of my mind for years. I haven't self harmed in over a year but I get concerningly close to doing it again because I -see- myself doing it in my head.
Fun stuff.

No. 49564

>>124411
been here many times, anon. if you really want help and to stop this before it goes too far, you should tell your therapist. keeping this inside will not help.

No. 49565

I think I had some sort of psychotic episode last night.

My boyfriend and I had an awful fight. It lasted pretty much all day and we both ended up saying things that were deeply personally insulting to each other. I have severe chronic depression and PTSD (and two other conditions that aren't really relevant) and the whole ordeal made me more suicidal than I've been in probably a couple of years. I kept having breakdown after breakdown until I could barely function because I was so tired. I cried for probably a total of 3 or 4 hours.

Anyway, after things seemed to have calmed down a bit, we were relaxing in bed when all of the bad shit from the fight started coming back to me. I lost it and it ended with him having to pin me down to restrain me because I was trying to force his hands around my throat so he could choke me to death. I was conscious the whole time and remember it happening, but I was definitely not in control of myself and felt very scared throughout the whole ordeal. We finally calmed me down and managed to have a decent rest of our night, and he left me at my house to go back home.

But today has been a wreck. I woke up and immediately self harmed. I couldn't even get out of bed in time to do it with a knife or razor, I just scratched my arms raw and bloody through hate and willpower. Then I spent about three hours just laying in bed, sending my boyfriend about 100 messages just trashing my entire existence. I got up and tried to shower but ended up just sitting under the water (which I turned to the hottest temperature and practically burned myself with) and staring at a single spot on the shower curtain until the hot water ran out. I've been a mess the rest of the day. I haven't eaten and I keep scratching my arms up worse and worse and banging my head into the wall. I'm just clicking around sites like this and half-paying attention to a bunch of youtube videos. I honestly don't even feel like myself anymore. I'm so scared. This is honestly the worst I've ever been and I don't even know why. I've felt bad before but this is the first time I've felt truly insane. I think I need to check myself in to a hospital because I cannot get myself to think about anything other than self harm and suicide.

Does anyone have anything encouraging to say to me? I feel so pathetic and don't know where else to go.

No. 49566

>>124414
Yeah, maybe go see a medical professional. Also I know it might be difficult but try to eat something, being hungry will not help your mood or thought process.

No. 49567

>>124412
Have you tried to be yourself?

No. 49568

>>124260
Whenever I'm put in tense social situations forcibly I always get a panic attack, cry as if I'm dying and get so scared to the point it is literally fight or flight or me. I'll either physically fight someone who tries to stop me from leaving or run as fast as I can. I've done this on several occasions. Bull shit it doesn't exist, I'm so scared to make any friends. Even speaking to one person on a regular basis fucking terrifies me.

No. 49569

>>124414
Honestly l went through pretty much the same thing not too long ago with my boyfriend. For reasons other than my relationship, I was kind of forced into the mental health part of the hospital. Admitted for about 2-3 weeks. I had so many bad stereotypes of what a mental health ward would be like, but it was actually a lot better than I expected. You're limited from having a lot of things like your laptop, maybe cell phone, canned pop (so you can't hurt yourself), etc. But it can be fun there. There's other people to talk to, the nurses are really nice and understanding and listen to you, you get the medication you need, you have so much to distract yourself with and most of all you have time to focus on you. I'll admit at first it sucked for me being stuck with myself with not even music or tv to distract me, but it made me think and think about how I feel and my life. They even had classes during the week that was optional to attend like yoga and horticulture therapy for example. I feel like instead of being stuck in your room and home which probably feels depressing to you at this point, admit yourself to a mental ward. It'll do you wonders. You need to focus on yourself and your happiness. I know your feels, feel better soon.

No. 49570

Never been to a doc or psychiatrist but I'm very positive I have avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety (or general anxiety), and possibly, but I'm hoping otherwise, autism. That last one would explain why I've always been pretty weird but I'm not sure if that's only because I was isolated a lot growing up and was always day dreaming. Also,that diagnosis seems to be thrown out a lot and I don't want to be misdiagnosed.

No. 49571

My mental health lately has been fine, mainly because I have forgiven everyone and myself. I think I almost got rid of my chronic ptsd

No. 49572

>>124420
>I think I almost got rid of my chronic ptsd
That's not how it works with PTSD anon..

No. 49573

>>124419
hey anon… dont be so quick to self diagnose just because you think you have "always been pretty weird" or were isolated as a child… really theres nothing wrong with that.

No. 49574

>>124421
What do you mean? I have literally forgiven everyone and I'm open to positive contact to all the people who have hurt me except my rapist even though im not angry at him anymore, just the fact he got away with it. I think my "chronic" ptsd is almost cured, I'm only left with social awkwardness but i have defeated ptsd almost so I think when I graduate and lose weight I'll have more social skills

No. 49575

>>124423
PTSD isn't like depression, it's not something you entirely get rid of. If your PTSD is genuine that is. It's a lifelong condition, and yes you can forgive yourself and everyone and feel much better but it's never gone. That's the point of trauma. Even if you look back on whatever happened in a better light and perspective, you'll never get rid of it. It's pretty much a general consensus of all psychiatrists and psychologists I have met and talked to about this (since I also have PTSD, since 8 years old and I'm 23 now).

No. 49576

>>124424
But if I do not show any symptoms why do I still have ptsd then? There are people who had worse lives than me yet they dont have it because they do not have the symptoms right?

No. 49577

>>124425
I'll copy and paste some text from an interesting article I've read since it can probably describe it more and better than I can:
"That is, following treatment, people may no longer experience intrusive thoughts. They may learn how to better manage their emotions and reduce their avoidance behavior. Symptoms of hyperarousal and hypervigilance may also go away. In this sense, PTSD can be "cured."

However, treatments for PTSD will never take away the fact that a traumatic event occurred. Treatments for PTSD cannot erase memory of those events. Consequently, although you may no longer experience frequent intrusive thoughts or memories of a traumatic event, there may be times in which certain places, situations, or people trigger memories or thoughts of the traumatic event.

Although memories cannot be eliminated, what treatment can do is take away or reduce the extent to which those memories bring about tremendous distress and anxiety, as well as unhealthy behaviors focused on avoiding or preventing those memories. In doing so, treatment can help you regain control over your life from the symptoms of PTSD. It can help reduce the extent to which symptoms of PTSD interfere with a number of different areas in your life, such as work, school, or relationships.

That said, it is important to remember that symptoms of PTSD can come back again. Once you successfully complete treatment, it does not mean the work is done. It is important to continue to practice the healthy coping skills you learned in treatment, as well as keep an eye on warning signs that could indicate symptoms are coming back."

TL;DR Pretty much even if you're currently in control of your symptoms, it has the potential to come back. And the memory of said trauma will never disappear either, the best you can do is get closure. And keep working on controlling your symptoms, because that control unfortunately isn't going to last a life time.

In my experience even if you are recovering from PTSD in a very positive way, it's still possible to be depressive and anxious episodes non related to your PTSD. But ironically what happens to me in these situations is that when I'm that negatively pushed emotionally, it tends to bring back a lot of my PTSD symptoms.

No. 49578

>>124426
This makes me feel confused and a bit sad…so when they say that the trauma will never go away does this mean that everyone with a shitty life has ptsd? So you cant "just" move on? I feel still really great btw but it makes me scared this feeling will be gone ;___;

No. 49579

>>124425
>>124427
it just means that the memory of the trauma will never go away (which is obvious. you can never just totally forget something like that) all you can do is keep moving on. dont be scared anon.

No. 49580

>>124419
I got tested for that and the docs said no. I was also very isolated as a child and have sensory processing disorder. I wouldn't worry.

No. 49581

>>124424
I don't think depression is something you entirely get rid of either tbh. When I was 15-16 my therapist implied I'd probably be on anti depressants the rest of my life.

No. 49582

>>124427
If you feel like you've moved past your mental illness then savour that feeling and keep on trying, just remember that if you ever feel it creeping back it's a normal thing that can be overcome, and not just some new failure on your part. That's what I'm taking from these comments.

No. 49583

>>124430
I agree, especially if you've had it for a long time. My therapist actually tries to tell me the opposite, but I know I'm going to be on anti-depressants until I die. There's just no way to go back to being normal.

No. 49584

File: 1458365064618.jpg (19.11 KB, 297x300, tmp_10009-bipolar-disorder-297…)

The birth of my son triggered a lot of shit for me. Depersonalization disorder and PPD, mainly. Also, I'm having through this HUGE existential crisis where it's like I've just realized that death is a thing that's inevitably GOING TO HAPPEN to me one of these days… idk. Ugh. I feel so miserable all the time. How do I get back in to the Matrix?

No. 49585

Bpd, depression, and ptsd from trauma and abuse here.
I only got diagnosed and medicated for this stuff about 2 years ago when I was hospitalized after trying to commit suicide. When I talked to the doctors there they were like Wow lol you should've come here a long time ago. I knew as a kid I was pretty emotionally/mentally messed up but I didn't know how to approach my parents about getting help.
While I feel better day to day on medication I still have awful low moments. Earlier in the week when something traumatic resurfaced I ended up curled up hyperventilating for most of the day and dissociated off my ass for the rest.

No. 49586

>>124432
>>124430
i agree. its just a matter of recognizing when things are getting bad again, and using appropriate coping mechanisms and keeping open lines of support with those around you. if youre struggling TELL SOMEONE (of course its easier said than done)

No. 49587

>>124433
you need to see a doctor if you have PPD and i don't mean just a psychologist, more a psychiatrist. PPD is serious

No. 49588

File: 1458418141707.jpg (36.19 KB, 540x498, Ccz4fNxWEAEsz3e.jpg)

tfw just sleep, masturbate, play vidya, shitpost on twitter / 4chan / 8chan [even tho i don't really feel like i have the energy to use either websites anymore] and go to college classes

not to mention i am one of those special snowflakes who actually isn't affected by anti depressants

o and aspergers and whatever anxieties come with that. 'o you can socialize fine with people face to face but using a phone to make a doctors appointment freaks you out'

No. 49589

>>124436
I know I should, but I live in a shitty place where conversion therapy is still a thing and there are at least 10 churches to every one school. I don't have high hopes for the mental health clinics, needless to say. Plus, I'm not sure what they can do for me other than prescribing sugar pills and hoping I'll be fooled.

No. 49590

I used to be in therapy with a psychologist but I never heard any diagnosis directly. However, I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for almost 15 years.

I am wondering if something has happened to me that I can't remember.

All my life I have been afraid of people. Like, pulse racing, feeling fluttery/panicky, racing thoughts (although that's a lot of the time anyway), whenever I walk down the street or have to interact with someone I do not feel comfortable with. (So like 90% of people.) I only feel relaxed okay while out if my husband is with me, otherwise I am only comfortable at home.

I didn't even know what having anxiety meant/felt like until about three years ago. I thought I just had depression.

But it just does not make sense to me.

I was alone a lot as a kid. I never really had friends. I didn't talk in school either, so I was considered weird. I got bullied in kindergarten a few times (physically once, mentally the rest by a girl who said mean things to me). But nothing that really resonated with me as far as I know, I was just sad it happened and didn't understand. I was also… sexually and emotionally toyed with? (if that is a thing) for almost 6 years through middle school/high school by someone I thought was my best friend. I understand how that gave me a lot of emotional problems, but it doesn't add up to such severe anxiety and depression, I don't think. Especially when I had the anxiety before I knew her.

I have trouble recalling my past clearly. I almost feel like there is something I should be remembering, but I can't. I mostly remember how I spent time alone, playing with my toys by myself, or n46 once I was allowed to have a gaming system for my birthday when I was 12, or what I did on the internet starting when I was around 15 and on.

Throughout high school I was mostly alone too. I had a few friendships but they fell apart. I didn't talk in class either. I was afraid to.

But otherwise, it almost feels like there is a fog between past key memories, despite the fact that I remember so much about my childhood vividly.

I originally I thought I am just really sensitive and afraid because I was alone so much throughout my entire life. But I keep getting this nagging feeling there is something I can't remember that was really important. I don't know if I am just trying to find a specific answer after struggling for almost 15 years and reaching when nothing actually happened, but I feel it… just doesn't make sense for me to feel THIS afraid of people if I was just alone a lot during most of my childhood and adolescence.

I can't figure it out and I don't know how to go about it. And if nothing actually happened, then I really don't get why I am like this.

It frustrates me, because I lose all of my close friendships. Never had a single one that made it past 5 years. I just emotionally clam up and run away. I can't control myself.

My husband is the only real friendship I have and I know only having one is bad because then all my happiness depends on that one relationship. I can tell how different I feel when I have a bond with more friends. But I keep fucking everything up and I really wish I understood myself better so I could take steps to not be like this.

No. 49591

>>124416
I don't know what you mean, anon..who am I besides myself?

No. 49592

>>124438
Talk therapy can work wonders. Look online for reviews of the therapists in your area. Book an appointment with one, and, if they suck, drop them and find a new one.

Finding a PPD support group can also be extremely helpful.

Anti-depressants can help, but, if you're breastfeeding, obviously a lot of medications are going to be out of the question. Not ALL of them are, though.

You can expect PPD to eventually go away on its own, but it can fuck up your thought patterns in such a way that you continue suffering even after the initial chemical cause has faded. Please don't avoid professional help just because you assume it'll be sub-par.

Maybe it won't help, but you won't know until you try.

No. 49593

>>124212
I have bipolar type 1 and I can feel my mental health slowly declining. I've started seeing things and acting more reckless than I was when I was younger, going on dates with random guys, doing drugs, drinking heavily etc. Deep down I just want someone to save me and live with me forever.

No. 49594

Social anxiety and depression. I've never been diagnosed, but I'm really shy and scared of most social situations and will sometimes have panic attacks. I do shit like obsess over small details in a conversation, be super self conscious, hide in bathrooms to avoid people , etc. I love hanging out with the friends I do have, but they'll all be moving away soon and it makes me near panic bc I don't think it'll be possible for me to make new friends since I only go to work now and all my co-workers are older than me and think I'm a quiet weirdo. I know being dependant on people is bad but I'm also scared of new people. I get FOMO a lot too and take it personally and will cry about it sometimes and it's really pathetic. I'm a fairly normal looking girl on the outside, polite, but just very awkward. My family has a history of depression and almost all of us are introverted…

No. 49595

I think about ending it during some point every single day. Most of my day is spent sad or anxious. I want to get medicine but he says I don't need it. I want to leave him, but I get paranoid that I'm just being crazy because of anxiety and depression, and get scared that leaving him will be a big mistake. Any time I try to leave he says he'll kill himself.
Idk. I can't enjoy life any more. I eother binge eat or I eat nothing. I feel disgusting. I just want to be in love and be happy. I've been so unhappy for so long. I have so much shame. Applying for a job makes me so anxious that It takes me forever to both start and finish them. Rejection gives me a panic attack and makes me suicidal. I can't control my emotions. I feel crazy and I've broken down severely many times at my last job. I would like to make crafts to sell from my home, but I can't afford supplies and I doubt I could get disability because I've already worked previously. Plus I don't even really want it because I don't want to be a mooch and suck off of the hard work of others. Idk. I regret any second I spent growing up. Thinking about not being a kid any more brings me to tears, because even though I still had issues they weren't so severe and I could still focus a and be happy. I can't make friends because I'm socially retarded and nobody ever seems interested in me, even though I try my best (introduce myself, ask them about themselves, be kind to them, follow up). Idk what to do

No. 49596

>>124439
I know how you feel. Sometimes I wonder if I was molested as a child or something (granted my older cousin did some weird stuff with me but nothing too bad). I was always a sexual kid though, so I don't know if I'm just over thinking it or if something happened to make me that way.

No. 49597

Right now, I have depression and anxiety (both social anxiety and anxiety based on a phobia,) I suffer with a lot of dissociation and self harm. I'm really afraid that I might be developing an eating disorder as well, I'm overweight right now and gained several inches+pounds due to no energy to work out because of depression and the fact that it's hard to work out when you're cut up. I just fucking hate this, I'm driving myself insane. I was feeling fine about myself until I decided to measure myself and I realized how fat I've gotten. I know the most logical thing to do would be to just not care and work on my body after getting my mental health together, but it's just not that easy.

No. 49598

>>124445
Huh, weird, this sounds so similar to me. I actually ended up asking my mom if anything happened to me as a kid because I was so afraid tbh.

I was always a really sexual kid, I started masturbating and thinking about sexual things around 4-5, and at age 9 I did some weird things with my cousin but nothing more than just undressing. Right now, I feel sick when it comes to thinking about sex, and there's certain parts of my body that make me feel ill and uncomfortable when touched. Everything seems to point that something happened, but there's absolutely no evidence.

No. 49599

>>124447
Same here. I know I was molested once at age 2 or 3 but it didn't really effect me other than being able to remember it. I just wonder if it happened more than I know because sexual abuse is rampant in my family and they babysat me for 3 or 4 years. If someone does something once who is to say they didn't do it to me regularly.

No. 49600

My doctor prescribed me drugs I told him that I will abuse.
Like there's a big old note in my file because I made him write it the first time I saw him and my older files have substance abuse or w/e on the diagnostic axis and he's still like 'have a bottle of fifty valiums'

No. 49601

>>124445
>>124447
I've held nothing but distain and hostility towards sexuality, while simultaneously prone to bouts of being very.. sexual. Sex itself makes me feel nauseated and feel like killing myself/hurting somebody and I'm saying this as a person that normally does not have strong feelings. It's strange, because I don't recall ever being molested, something many would assume.
The thought of that possibility often lingers at the back of my mind.

No. 49602

>>124449
I told my doctor if you let me have to many meds i will od on them, it even says so in my file that i have done so several times before but he gave me fuckton of strong sleepingpills and antidepressants anyway and i ended up in the hospital.

No. 49603

when I was in fifth grade I started to have weird, extremely graphic nightmares of me being gang raped. I never understood what was going on (don't remember doing anything sexual at this age so they were super shocking to me, now Of course I know that it was gangrape). I'm still disturbed by these sorts of dreams, makes me feel really weird inside. I also have a hard time now maintaining non sexual relationships with men which I don't know if it's related to this or not. Can anyone give me insight or relate?

No. 49604

>>124450
I went through something like this for a few years, I wasn't too sure what it was.
I still can't really say if it was some deep psychobabble reasons to do with maybe the relationships I had at the time or my upbringing, or of it was just some sort of chemical imbalance in my head, but eventually it calmed down and now I'm mostly normal. Prone to guilt or crying after sex, but maybe that will fade in time.
Good luck anon, try to speak to a counsellor or friends or look into CBT

No. 49605

I suffer from awful depression and anxiety. Was actively suicidal and self-harmed a lot but now I'm just too lazy to kill myself. Suffered from eating disorders most of my life too. I suspect I might have a learning disability also but can't confirm.

Idk if it's just my country but it seems that there's no help for people with mental illnesses other than meds that turn them into vegetables so I'm getting my tubes tied so that I don't have to pass this down onto my kids, nobody should have to suffer this.

No. 49606

>>124454
>>124454
Do you still want kids?

No. 49607

>>124455
Yeah so much, I get on so well with them. I actually worked in childcare for a while too.

But I like kids and that's why I wouldn't wish my mental illness on them.

No. 49608

I know this is stereotypical as hell "crazy girl," but I have something to admit and I don't want to admit it around the creepy men on 4chan. So thanks for making this thread. I tried to post about my mental illness on 4chan and they immediately jumped to how it could be used to get in my pants.

Here goes…I kept a shirt of my dad's he left behind when he left and accidentally washed it and now it doesn't smell like him.

I'm DEVASTATED. God fucking damnit, I'm a walking stereotype.

No. 49609

>>124457
Also, diagnoses:

HPD
mixed-type schizophrenia
bipolar

I basically have everything wrong with me. The only things I resolutely don't do are the black and white thinking and the valuation/devaluation of people and the relating everything to myself and the thinking the whole world is against me. My therapist says that I'm super rare for having HPD WITHOUT having a borderline co. Apparently people who are HPD but NOT BPD (No borderline traits at all, just the mania and attention seeking and optimism of HPD) are almost completely nonexistent

No. 49610

>>124457
>>124458
oh man now that i don't have to be afraid of weirdos i can let loose all the stuff that i obviously can't say around men

My mind doesn't draw any distinction between types of excitement. Happiness is excitement is anxiety is sexual arousal. My body also over-releases pleasure chemicals so I constantly get high on my own neurochemicals, which can make me foggy-headed and blissed out for hours and hours until the crash into pain and depression later. My body overproduces neurochemicals at random to such an extent that I have experienced withdrawal without ever having taken any drugs.

Also a result, I have PGAD. Whenever I get excited for anything–a concert, going out to dinner, a video game, anything–I start having a shit-ton of little orgasms and vocalizing and jumping up and down and doing stuff with my mouth ("orally fixated" i guess.)

It's like I'm emotionally 2 years old, but intellectually an adult and an adult in my concepts of pleasure. My entire life is PROFOUND joy and DEEP depression and not really anything in between.

I also have absolutely no self control. I once did a u turn and cut across 2 lanes of traffic to play mini golf alone with my grocery money. I have pretty reliable and well-considered judgment, but absolutely no ability to execute my judgments, so my entire life has been watching myself make decisions I am well aware are bad and experiencing the consequences I was expecting, like I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car with no driver at all.

No. 49611

>>124459
The weirdest part is that I'm not intellectually a simpleton. I have a doctorate and patents pending. I have the intelligence of a scientist but the personality of messy idiot. It makes it impossible to make friends with my colleagues.

"Hey, do you want to go get coffee/brunch/hipster stuff"
"No sorry I'm going to go microwave doughnuts and yell at all the wrestling I DVRd this week. I hope I didn't leave my garbage in front of the door."

No. 49612

>>124460
I'm also kinda an extrovert, which further ostracizes me from my "nerdy" peers. I was always kinda a social butterfly (I'm good and responsible with people as long as the people aren't me), but it can get out of hand. I'm grating, I'm loud, I whine a lot, I drag people around when I'm excited, and I make a ton of odd childish noises every time I feel an emotion.

No. 49613

>>124461
and my dating life is pretty bunk. going on a date with me is basically:

>take me to a museum

>i don't take the tour
>I don't go in order
>you just hear a series of gasps and shrieks all day and get dragged around hand-first as I press my face against all the glass and wave my arms
>afterwards I spend $20 on candy at the gift shop at twice normal price.
>get to the car
>swing the other way
>begin crying
>ask if you hate me
>disagree if you say no
>swing again
>become horny
>fuck you
>regret it even if I like you
>hate myself
>never speak again
>move

No. 49614

>>124457
>I tried to post about my mental illness on 4chan and they immediately jumped to how it could be used to get in my pants

fyi, there's an admitted 4channer here who claims to constantly date/sleep with the messed up women he meets on 4chan. (not saying you're messed up. I'm warning you that we're not immune from the cancer.)

are you in physics/math, btw? Just read your posts and I got a hunch.

No. 49615

>>124463
>fyi, there's an admitted 4channer here who claims to constantly date/sleep with the messed up women he meets on 4chan. (not saying you're messed up. I'm warning you that we're not immune from the cancer.)

That's OK! Here it's one person instead of EVERYONE.

>are you in physics/math, btw? Just read your posts and I got a hunch.


I'm in everything. My doctorate is in psychiatry with a specialty in research psychiatry but my patents are in engineering. I have a decade of video game development experience, training in theatre and singing, all sorts. I have trouble keeping myself constrained to one topic and in general I tend to wander towards what I want in the moment.

I guess Freud would say I'm very id-centered. Freud would say a lot of things about me…

I have my own opinions on Freud, but at least when it comes to people like me who are as sexually fixated as he was, his work applies…

No. 49616

>>124464
also excuse me if i say something weird I haven't slept properly in a while

No. 49617

>>124464
> I have trouble keeping myself constrained to one topic and in general I tend to wander towards what I want in the moment

ayrt here. This is me, but I never managed to achieve 1/8 of what you managed to. also interested in your fields of research. Do you want to email? Sorry to move so quickly lol, I'm just thinking you may not want to divulge so much publicly or go too OT here.

No. 49618

>>124466
maybe in a bit, but let me finish my thought

>>124463

men love latching onto me specifically because the sexual nature of my illnesses and the fact that they can easily and "justifiably" infantilize me. I've had I think almost 20 stalkers in my life as of right now.

They also assume I'm into daddy RP just because I have such terrible daddy issues, but I'm surprisingly not sexually into my dad (I know, right? It even shocks me. Part of me thinks I should be!). I just…constantly need his attention and presence and project that need onto literally every man that's funny (which is my #1 most important trait in a SO). Despite this, I'm not as into daddy dom as I should be.

But that doesn't stop basically all men from being like "I could be your daddy hehehe"

>sends video of them doing something dommy with super unattractive, zero-confidence body language


lmao

No. 49619

>>124466
Now I'm thinking about it. I'm not 100% sure. Generally when I meet other mentally ill women it becomes a problem BECAUSE they understand me. Instead of being a resource it becomes a feedback loop where both of us get worse, and because I'm weak, I have immense difficulty terminating friendships, so I have to be really rigorous starting them.

No. 49620

>>124467
I am constantly amazed at the number of betas/robot types who think that a girl with this kind of issue will automatically want to date them because omg daddy issues she needs a dom!!!!!

If you don't put much stock into Freud, there's no reason to treat the BDSM thing as normative, anon.

No. 49621

>>124468
If it matters, it sounds like I'm much healthier mentally than you are. (I'm not trying to be mean, btw.)

I can understand your conditions intellectually, but I can't say that I empathize. So I think we're not in any danger of a feedback loop. At any rate, I'm not really interested in talking about mental illnesses on a personal level, and I'm thinking that you wouldn't necessarily be, either.

No. 49622

>>124470
Everyone is much mentally healthier than me.

No. 49623

>>124471

I mean, I live half my time in an Earth 2-esque Art Deco postwar alternate reality that my brain dreams up and it's difficult to tell which is real.

No. 49624

>>124471
My point is that we're not in danger of the mentally ill feedback loop you were worried about. But of course it's up to you.

I never run into women who potentially know something about psychopharmacology and maaaybe are particularly knowledgable/cognizant of in differences in drug effects on men and women. (One of my pipe dream research pursuits.)

No. 49625

>>124473
Oh man, that made a big splash, but comparatively few people are researching it. Everyone agrees on the contents of the cloud of reasons why it happens, but nobody agrees on which reason is most important.

It feels like most of my contemporaries are focusing on drugs that are dangerously more powerful for women and determining how much dosages should be lowered, but what REALLY interests me is drugs that are LESS–not more–potent for women. Drugs that are affected ADVERSELY by slower clearance and GI transit, like drugs with active metabolites. What of these?

No. 49626

>>124474
and I don't mean primary active metabolites like warfarin's, I mean drugs that rely on second-phase, like digoxin. There's really no way to reliably count on phase 2 metabolism between sexes and that's much scarier than the comparatively dose-dependent and easy-to-adjust changes in phase 1. We still have absolutely no idea, and it drives me up the wall tbh.

On a related note, I have gastroparesis and I've personally noticed that fucking with drug absorption like you wouldn't believe. Drugs aren't even guaranteed effective across varying GI transit times sex-independently.

No. 49627

>>124475
Sorry, i'm drunk now.

Drugs that rely on a life and death specific time period for second-phase clearance in order to achieve even levels with reasonable dosing schedules, not rely on the second phase for the activity of the drug. That felt ambiguous.

No. 49628

>>124476
I don't think there are any drugs that rely on the clearance pass to do their job other than things like dyes and deposit-based treatments.

Now I'm getting confused. I probably should've compensating the amount of liquor I'm drinking for my sex…

No. 49629

>>124477
but lmao now talking about GI transit i'm reminded of that whole aspirin debacle with PPIs. clopidogrel is unsafe oh no better switch to asprin wait shit this doesn't work either

and then it turned out they don't work for two completely different but similar seeming coincidental reasons rofl

PPIs actually somehow fuck with the metabolism of clopidogrel but they just keep aspirin from being absorbed because apparently your stomach ph needs to be under 4 to absorb chewable aspirin. it's pretty funny. except all the people that died.

No. 49630

>>124478
i give up i can't think about my job anymore i literally mixed up second hepatic pass with renal clearance it's time to hand in my diploma

or stop drinking

No. 49631

>>124479
We should be sage-ing for OT, btw.

I'm actually exhausted, so I can't reply to you with any intelligence atm. You're an insane idea machine (in a good way) and I really hope you go far in whatever you happen to be pursuing. You're far more than your illnesses, any idiot guy who can't see that can diaf.

No. 49632

>>124478
>it's pretty funny. except all the people that died.

oh and it's especially funny bc i'm on a ppi and aspirin. like an astonishingly large amount of schizophrenic people, I have an autoimmune disorder and am possibly

my dream research job is looking into that connection, because holy shit sO MANY OF US HAVE AUTOIMMUNE DISRDERS WAY MORE THAN IS NORMAL

i wonder if it has something to do with latent toxoplasmosis

No. 49633

>>124480
you can email me at my email in the email field if you want

No. 49634

>>124480
if you email me, i should be up for a while. i'm exhausted and want to go to bed, but i'm afraid to make eye contact with my reflection in my bathroom mirror so i can't get ready for bed

No. 49635

>>124483
Will email you!

No. 49636

>>124484
let me know when you do so i know if my email works

No. 49637

>>124485
Just did.

No. 49638

>>124485
Also, check your spam box just in case

No. 49639

>>124483
>i'm afraid to make eye contact with my reflection in my bathroom mirror

omg I have this, too. sometimes even my reflection in windows by night is terrifying. Do you know where it comes from?

No. 49640

>>124488
Not the same anon.But I heard this saying if you see yourself in the mirror and you mirror image moves by itself you will die soonI know I shouldnt belive in shit like this but im superstitious.
Ever since I heard that I get little paranoid when it comes to mirrors,i try not to look at it or throw a towel/sheets over them.

No. 49641

>>124488
I don't like making eye contact with my reflections either, but for me it's more about being ashamed of myself lmao.

No. 49642

>>124457
Is you being a girl relevant when you talk about your mental illness there? If not don't bring it up and this won't be an issue.

No. 49643

I have a dissociative disorder, obsessive thoughts, depression and social anxiety.

No. 49644

So I've started self harming. It's gotten to the point where I just can't take all of this pain and I need an outlet.

I feel so disgusting though. Cutting is supposed to be for edgy middle schoolers, not grown adults. It just makes me hate myself even more.

No. 49645

>>124493
i'm sorry about that. I think you know that this doesn't change anything and doesn't help long term. try something else, like exercising, screaming, outlet in painting or anything like this.
there is always an alternative path

No. 49646

>>124493
do the rubber band on your wrist thing.. :/ im sorry anon. if you know anyone at all, please open up and get help

No. 49647

I have a lot of issues, which kind of makes me think that I'm actually maybe just lazy and trying to make excuses.

Like when I'm not totally out of touch with reality I just have a bit of disordered eating, avoidance, and anxiety. People still think I'm a bit odd, but that doesn't have to mean anything. Like I'm quite stable, have been in the same relationship for years, almost never fight etc. Not impulsive at all.

But I have these periods where I'm REALLY delusional, and get hallucinations that reinforce the delusions.

>Like thinking there are people living inside of me, controlling everything I do, and hearing them talk. I was a danger to myself, because I tried to kill them, but obviously they weren't real. (My fault probably for googling 'why do I hear voices')


>I once thought I saw demons, obviously hallucinations. What was my conclusion? I'm the chosen one! Well at least that was fairly harmless, I only made a fool of myself.


>I also once thought I was cursed and that a ghost was going to kill me, so I had to cover all the mirrors and other reflective surfaces to 'protect myself from the spirit realm'. Like I saw ghosts coming out of the mirror, to me it was a logical conclusion at the time, nobody even ever told me that it could be a hallucination. Even though I don't believe it anymore, I still get anxious around mirrors.


Like everytime I get out of a period like that, I'm always like: this time I'll be 100% mentally healthy the rest of my life, leave me alone you psychologists and psychiatrists! Because of that they never actually get to properly diagnose me, only speculation (depression, anxiety disorder NOS, PTSD, autism etc.)

Though I doubt that what I experience is normal for just depression and anxiety disorders.

I'm thinking of getting help before it gets out of hand this time. Like I mention I'm 'getting a bit weird' again. But then again, if I have insight, nothing's wrong then, right? I'm just kind of afraid of getting a diagnosis with a lot of stigma behind it, like a personality disorder or something on the psychotic spectrum. But on the other hand, I'd rather not have another shameful/dangerous experience like that. Like I'd rather not make a fool of myself or bring myself in danger again.

No. 49648

>>124496

It's always the right thing to get help.
What you describe could be some kind of psychotic disorder, but I'm no psychiatrist. You could try medication for these kind of episodes. I don't know if there is something that can be taken once you're starting to feel delusional? how do you feel in these 'times' (that you're delusional)? do you actually think 'this isn't real'?

No. 49649

>>124497
Well they once tried anti depressants on me when I had such an episode (they last months btw), but I only became worse. So they are reluctant to ever put me on just anti depressants ever again, they might put me on it combined with anti psychotics, but I don't know. They aren't allowed to prescribe me anything without the proper diagnosis first, because of insurance.

In the beginning I might doubt myself a bit, but at the peak, I'll believe it 100%. I actually get angry then with people when they try to tell me that it isn't real. Eventually the belief goes away slowly but surely. Hindsight is 20/20, but during, I mostly have no idea.
But while I don't have any insight in the delusions themselves, I do recognize that my behaviour is strange and that it isn't normal to barely leave the house or do very little or panic all the time (or the more specific things like covering all the mirrors with towels).

During these times in general I feel very unreal, like maybe the whole world isn't real. I'm very wary and guarded, like anyone can be against me. I'm also very unmotivated to do anything. I also have problems regarding expressing emotions, I already usually don't feel much more than apathy or anxiousness, but at least normally with my boyfriend I can express emotions, but when I have these episodes I can't even barely do that with him (it bothers him a lot then and benzo's make this worse). It also happens then that I get trouble talking, like I can't find the right words or use wrong ones. So sometimes I prefer to not talk at all then. Especially since it once happened that someone got angry with me and said I wasn't making any sense and shouldn't be allowed to give my opinion, since I couldn't make my point properly. It's in general very terrifying for me. I really don't want it to ever happen again, but it seems it is.

No. 49650

>>124498
If you're that fucked up, how did you manage to get into a relationship?

No. 49651

>>124499
Because I'm not like that all the time?
After an episode of a few months, I'm normal for around 2/3 years.

Apparently when I'm normal, I'm easier to deal with than most regular females. So it happens frequently when I'm normal that guys are interested in me, but they are out of luck.

My boyfriend doesn't mind dealing with these episodes, because he knows I always get better eventually. He just wants me to get help now to prevent it from getting worse this time, and maybe prevent future episodes.

No. 49652

>>124498
ok perhaps these anti psychotics are the way to go for you , if antidepressants don't work.

No. 49653

>>124498
I hate to be that girl, but have you tried marijuana? If it's legal or you're not getting drug tested you can try that. I have c-PTSD (think ptsd with some borderline qualities) and it helps me immensely. I have had very very bad side effects on some ssris (psychosis on Paxil) and antipsychotics (lactation on Latuda wtf). There were very little to no positive reactions but the Drs kept me on meds for years. When I stopped after leaving therapy I started getting much better. I get high maybe twice a week and kinda meditate and use DBT skills to evaluate my thought process and what I can do to avoid episodes or dissociations. I used to suffer a lot more from micropsychosis but I'm in a much healthier place (physically and mentally lol). Once I'm in episodes there isn't really anything I can do. If it's really really bad and I think I might lose control I take a cocktail of Xanax and melatonin to knock myself out.

No. 49654

Recently switched from an SSRI to an SNRI and it's much, much better in every respect–except my memory has gone to fucking shit. I hate it. Really wanna repair my cognition but I'm not sure how.

No. 49655

>>124502
Since I have a lot of psychotic symptoms, I'm not going to take my chances and smoke marijuana. Even just 1 glass of alcohol or a bit of caffeine can make me worse when I'm in this state.

I think I'll take my chances and try anti-psychotics, since most of the delusions are/were caused by my hallucinations. I don't exactly have a thought process behind it. I can't exactly prevent or avoid hallucinations, they just reappear all of the sudden after 2 to 3 years.

No. 49656

File: 1460931603245.jpeg (37.99 KB, 300x300, image.jpeg)

I have avoidant personality disorder and pretty severe depression

My girlfriend suggested that I take St. John's Wort for the depression, but does that even work? It sounds kind of bogus, like those weight loss pills

Has anyone ever tried it?

No. 49657

>>124505
Forgot to add that I also have very bad anxiety issues and worry that it might induce psychosis

No. 49658

>>124505
Studies have found that it doesn't help with severe depression. I'd ask your general doctor about it, or psychiatrist if you have one. It also interacts with many medications, including most antidepressants. I would be hesitant to use it in your situation. I hope you find a solution

No. 49659

>>124505
Sometimes I'll make some tea out of it, as far as effects go I don't really feel anything. I don't know about AVPD but it's supposedly good for people with depression. I believe you have to drink it daily and wait a few weeks before you can expect effects.

No. 49660

>>124507
Ah, I can't afford a doctor at all right now and can't see a therapist or psychiatrist right now

It doesn't seem like it'd be that effective, I guess. I was just being kind of hopeful. Thanks for the help!

>>124508

I though about taking it this way as well because I don't really enjoy taking pills, but my girlfriend already purchased a bottle of capsules. I took two, but it says it takes weeks to kick in. I also read that it doesn't do well for people with anxiety, so I'm thinking maybe it's not a good idea to continue taking them for very long anyway

No. 49661

My depression/bipolar (I use both because I've gotten conflicting diagnoses and I don't want to self-label) can get the best of me sometimes.

Ever since I started working full time and seeing someone (not srs but it counts), it's been getting better. I'm currently unmedicated because I want to see if this is something that can be managed with physical activity, a social life, and a general lifestyle change.

(lowkey still wanna die most days tho)

No. 49662

>>124493
>Cutting is supposed to be for edgy middle schoolers, not grown adults.
This is a lie, so many adults cut, speaking as someone who suffers with it myself. Please try and get help, though. Therapy does help a lot with it.

No. 49663

>>124509
>I though about taking it this way as well because I don't really enjoy taking pills, but my girlfriend already purchased a bottle of capsules. I took two, but it says it takes weeks to kick in. I also read that it doesn't do well for people with anxiety, so I'm thinking maybe it's not a good idea to continue taking them for very long anyway
Did you get the Naturemade ones? Because Naturemade is a pretty shit brand. They don't deliver good doses in general and they usually cut with other shit. Either way though, I wouldn't expect too much from St. Johns Wort. Like I said, I never felt much from it. I got AVPD and depressive traits as well as some severe anxiety and it neither alleviated nor exacerbated anything, atleast from the few times I took it.

No. 49664

Contemplating suicide. Not for the first time obviously. Feels different this time around- very serene and peaceful. I used to wish for a violent death. But i'd like to go with comfort and dignity now. No struggling openly to friends and family. But no impulsive decisions either. When I do this it's for the point of no return. No half assing it. Accepting the inevitablity of death and acting as if everything is normal is surreal as fuck.

No. 49665

>>124512
Nah, not the Naturemade ones, it was something else with a green label

Have you ever tried anything that worked? Id consider going to a psychiatrist if there were a possibility it might actually help. The only reason I havent bothered is because its such a costly visit and Im afraid that it wont help anyway

No. 49666

I think women are diagnosd with bipolar way too often. PMS can fuck up your life a lot without you having any kind of mental illness.

No. 49667

>>124513
I've found that once you come to a point where you realise that you are ok with death and that it really doesn't make a difference whether you live or die, you might as well live. After all, you can nope the fuck out of life anytime.

No. 49668

>>124516
other anon here. just wanted to say thank you

No. 49669

>>124515
I just think in general we need to understand bipolar better. Bipolar is not constant mood swings and a huge day-to-day change in behavior. It's months of suicidal depression followed by a short period of mania that takes over your mind so badly it can literally kill you from exhaustion/overexertion because you're on 910% and can't fucking stop whatever your brain latched onto

I have bipolar and I fucking hate the blatant misunderstanding of this condition

No. 49670

i am so mad i could kill myself right now. i'm trying not to explode. i woke up at 3 am still pissed and violent. i don't remember sleeping. im having this weird, jumping out of My skin feeling, like im glitching or clawing under my skin. i don't have an outlet besides Twitter and crying (currently in bed tense as hell, making fists and having mini outbursts). it's taking so much not to destroy everything in this house and beat my family

No. 49671

Warning: disjointed ranting and guilty feelings and some sappy shit ahead.

I've been waiting on hearing back from a counselor for a few weeks now. They said I should be hearing back by the end of April. But when I last talked to my doctor they said they still need to hire someone new so I don't know what the fuck is happening.

Basically I had my first appointment with a counsellor and he told he was leaving for a new job that session so I'm stuck until someone has an opening or they hire someone.

The medication I'm on for my anxiety and depression is actually working pretty good but it comes with awful side effects for me. I was on 75g + 37.5g of Effexor and am now switched to 50g Pristiq. Basically the same medication but Pristiq is supposed to have less side effects. I've been on it for a week now and still experiencing the same side effects though. Night sweats, dizziness and extreme tiredness. I'm hoping it'll go away.

I just really want to start doing the counselling and therapy stuff because I need to move on with my life. I'm 22 and have never had a job and have dropped out of college because of my anxiety, depression, disordered eating and identity issues.

> tfw all your friends are graduating and you've never even had a job

> tfw your friends are starting to have children and getting married
> tfw you're missing all of these "milestones" because of your mental illnesses

> that horribly guilty feeling when your parents can't retire because they have to pay for you to get private therapy in the future and we don't know how much it's going to cost.


All of this guilt I have is really starting to eat at me. I can hardly stand the thought of how these years are supposed to be the happiest for my parent's and they're stuck dealing with my bullshit. I honestly wish I had the guts to kill to myself because it's not fair to them at all that they have to suffer because of me.

If this ever gets better for me I'm going to save up most of the money I make and treat my parents to whatever they want. I'm also going to make sure that when the time comes for retirement living they get the best damn place I can afford for them.

I'm embarassed to admit I spent so many years hating them and wishing ill upon them and now I just wish I could take it all back and treat them how they should've been treated all this time. Fuck, man. Please guys love your family and take care of them and yourselves.

No. 49672

>>124520
I swear I could've written this entire post, start to finish. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I know it'll hurt my parents more than I hurt them by being alive. I wish I was fucking normal because my parents have given me everything and more but I still ended up as an ill, useless daughter that can't even get up in the morning. They keep asking me when I'll get better and I don't have the heart to tell them I probably never will. Everyone else is moving on but I stay the same.

I hope things get better for you soon anon, I really really do.

No. 49673

>>124521
Massive hugs to you too anon. I'm so sorry you have to go through this as well. I feel the exact same way regarding the whole guilt of the parents with suicide.

I hope you are able to reach out and get help soon as well.

No. 49674

>>124519
What happened, anon?

No. 49675

>>124518
I have rapid cycling bipolar, the type of bipolar from which the stereotype is derived.

Not fun at all. Happy one minute, then depressed, then suicidal, then horny, then manic, then suicidal, then manic, then horny, then sad, then obsessive, then paranoid, then horny again. All in a day or two.

The only saving grace is that the mania doesn't last long enough to do any damage. I can drive to the airport to get a ticket to somewhere but it will run out at the counter.

No. 49676

>>124523
it's a conglomerate of a bunch of things pent up over the years but there's times when something really trivial makes me spill and last night was one of the most extreme spills I've had. i didnt know where i could go to just rant it out so i came to the place i frequent most and would probably get a response.

to sum it up without being too specific: i was told i couldn't do something (im surprised that i go through this everyday but i cant get used to being sheltered) that they said i could do last week. so they flipped the script on me last minute. i slept like the dead. it's literally a blackout for me.

excuse all the grammar mistakes, i turned off auto correct because it was a nuisance.

No. 49677

Anons above, I really feel for you. I know it sounds insincere but I hope things get better one way or another.

Is anyone else here a maladaptive daydreamer? I've been one for as long as I can remember. I literally don't know life any other way. I always have characters, stories, and fantasies floating in my head. I feel especially guilty because they involve people I know in real life, usually whoever I'm crushing on atm.

No. 49678

Trying to find a therapist in my area who can both help with my problems, has good reviews, and works through my insurance provider is ruining my life.

I'm probably going to kill myself before I can even get help because trying to figure this out is ruining me and I just don't care enough to fix it anymore.

No. 49679

I have aspergers, I shit up a lot of threads because I like to give my opinion and I am easily baited because I don't like the other person having the last word. People say I phrase myself weird, and sometimes I have tantrums. I like myself though, I learn fast and I am logical.

No. 49680

>>124526
Same. On top of that, I'm have a compulsive behavior for escapism from reality, using any kind of entertainment possible, ranging from drugs to reading books

No. 49681

>>124526
I'm constantly daydreaming. I love spending time alone, just imagining things for hours on end.

No. 49682

>>124524
Unless you're exaggerating a lot it doesn't sound like bipolar disorder at all. Even rapid cycling isn't even anywhere near that quick. I don't mean to offend you, it doesn't diminish what you're going through or make your feelings any less valid.

No. 49683

>>124530
>>124526
Yes but tbh I think it's good for me. Without that and my little lifelong fantasies about people I've never even spoken to, well I'd be fucked. I think it's a defense mechanism, it's really intense.

No. 49684

>>124528
My therapist, mom, dad, pretty much everyone is suggesting I get tested to see if I have autism. Did you get tested and if so what was that like? What kind things do they ask you?? I hear it takes a really long time. I'm scared and ashamed because I feel extra retarded now no offense.

No. 49685

>>124531
Rapid cycling has no upper speed bound by definition, the number of cases just approaches 0 as the speed goes up, and I'm probably the fastest case ever diagnosed.

No. 49686

>>124534
The swings literally come and go so quickly and with such intensity that I experience withdrawal symptoms and tolerance from my own endogenous neurochemicals. It's not fun. I'm also

>>124459

No. 49687

>>124533
I had to fill in some questionnaires, solve some equations, was given random objects and asked to tell a story with them, they'll ask what you associate with certain things, etc. It took 2 or 3 hours I think (was 5 years ago so I don't remember it exactly).
During the testing for autism you also get your IQ tested. I doubt that you are actually retarded, just because your brain maybe has developed differently, doesn't mean you are automatically retarded. You'd just be different. Most autistics have an average to high IQ, remember that.

No. 49688

>>124536
>Most autistics have an average to high IQ, remember that.
Citation needed

No. 49689

>>124537
Current estimates of the rate of intellectual disability (IQ below 70) in individuals with ASD are at approximately 40% with higher rates of comorbidity (ASD and ID occurring together) observed in girls with ASD (ADDM, 2009; Baird et al., 2000; CDC, 2007; Chakrabarti & Fombonne, 2001). These estimates differ from earlier estimates published between 1966 and 1999, reviewed by Fombonne (1999), which ranged from 44 percent to 100 percent with rates of individuals without intellectual disability estimated at 25.4%, mild to moderate impairment at 23.2%, and severe to profound mental impairment estimated at 55.5%. The decline in the rate of comorbid intellectual disability among individuals with ASD is likely a function of increased diagnostic rates of individuals with higher cognitive abilities along with the effectiveness of early intervention (Fombonne, 2003; Chakrabarti & Fombonne, 2005; Matson & Shoemaker, 2009; Newschaffer, Falb, & Gurney, 2005).

No. 49690

>>124538
Not the anon you're replying to, but yeah, what you just posted doesn't prove that 'most autistics have an average to high IQ'.

>Current estimates of the rate of intellectual disability (IQ below 70) in individuals with ASD are at approximately 40%


This doesn't mean 60% of autistics have an average or above average IQ, this just means that 60% aren't intellectually disabled. The average IQ is 100 by the way, so even just average IQ autistics are probably a minority.

No. 49691

>>124536
Ok thanks. I mainly feel retarded for my apparently obvious mannerisms or whatever it is that makes everyone suspect I have the sperg. Intelligence wise I'm probably average as fuck though.

What age did you get diagnosed? Has it affected your life much in either a positive or negative way?

No. 49692

>>124540
I was diagnosed at age 13, and well it only affected my life in a positive way. It helped me understand myself more and raised my self esteem, that it wasn't my fault that I'm so socially awkward, I was just born that way.
I also got to switch schools and went to a school for gifted autistics. I have a dysharmonic intelligence profile, and on my old school they couldn't help me with that.

It's not as if soon as you get diagnosed, everyone will know you're autistic. You can choose yourself whether you want to disclose that or not. So there aren't really any negative sides to it.

No. 49693

>>124536
>Most autistics have an average to high IQ, remember that.
this is not true, it's a prejudice for autism is a development disorder.

No. 49694

File: 1461400038458.jpeg (1.54 MB, 3264x2448, image.jpeg)

>>124212
I have dysthymia, diagnosed in 2015 getting better, i guess.

No. 49695

I'm this anon:
>>124498
>>124496

They decided that I'm just high functioning autistic and have PTSD with psychotic features. So they put me on a fairly low dose of anti-psychotics, and it's been working great, I hope it stays that way.

No. 49696

>>124541
How has it impacted your adult life? I'm looking into finally getting a diagnosis as an adult (I had multiple doctors ask my parents to get me tested as a kid but they refused so I have no formal diagnosis but I do have strong evidence that I probably am autistic), but I'm worried that the consequences might outweigh the benefits.

What has your experience been like? Do you recommend going through with a diagnosis if you're an adult?

No. 49697

Can someone explain to me why some bad people dont have Personality Disorders and why some bad people do? Good people are very rare (i think only 5% of the world's population is "pure") so shouldn't most of us have personality disorders?

No. 49698

>>124546
What does this mean? The only reason why people get diagnosed with personality disorders is because they fit all of the diagnostic criteria. It has nothing to do with how "good" or "bad" you are. The Cluster Bs tend to encompass some really mean, selfish, and psychopathic people but there are also nice people who have them and just happen to struggle with social interactions, and the other two Clusters don't even have traits associated with being mean or "bad". In fact, most people with Cluster Cs are overly polite and act like model citizens because of their disorders.

Also being "pure" does not necessarily equal being good, or vice versa. There's plenty of people who would probably fail a pureness test that are still amazing people and who do great things for others. Good and bad aren't two binary categories, it's a spectrum and how you act on it can change even within the same day.

No. 49699

>>124545
It only has to impact your adult life if you want to. Your doctor isn't allowed to give information, like that you are autistic, to others without your permission.

It mostly gives you peace of mind, and helps you better understand yourself and others.
As an example, if you have a significant other and you choose to let them know you are autistic, they could maybe understand you better. It can avoid some arguments about you seeming cold etc.

If autism is affecting you a lot, you could even choose to disclose your diagnosis to your employer etc., to get accommodations or at least understanding. But it is a bit risky, since not everyone reacts well to being told that their employee is autistic.

So if you feel your autism is affecting you and your relationships with other people a lot, I do recommend getting a diagnosis. It can make things a whole lot easier.
Also, autistics are at a way higher risk of depression and anxiety disorders. So if you would ever need therapy, it would be useful for a psychologist to know you are autistic.

If you aren't affected by your autism a lot, and you're managing just fine, and you don't worry about developing mental health issues, I wouldn't bother getting a diagnosis.

No. 49700

Idk what to do my terapi doesnt work and medication doesnt work and i try to tell my doctor its because i think my diagnosis might not be right so i try to ask him if we can redo it,check again. But he refuses and says if im not happy with my diagnosis i can get help elsewhere. So i say ok can we maybe try a different treatment and he says this is the only treatment we can offer. But what about dbt "we cant give you that because you dont selfharm" but i do and ive told him that. But there where apperantly other reason aswell what those reasons where he wont tell me. I think i have add becausei have loads of family with add,adhd and autism (that got diagnosed with it as adults) and it also fits more than anything else ive read but he insists i have bpd but i dont reconise myself in the symptoms. But either way im screwed because they are planning to kick out of treatment anyway because it doesnt work and i cant get help anywhere else without starting from the beginning again and im just so tired

No. 49701

>>124549
*kick me out
Sry for my incoherent rambling i'm a bit upset just got the news and not that good with english

No. 49702

>>124549
Wow, your therapist is a massive dickhead. Sorry about your situation, anon. I really think you should go somewhere else. Even if you have to start from the beginning, it's worth it for your mental health. The earlier you leave this guy the faster you can start getting better help. Hope everything works out for you.

No. 49703

>>124545
If you've lived your life this long without letting it get to you, I think you're safe. The WORST thing you can do is get diagnosed and find our you're autistic and then turn into an asshole and blame it on your autism. Do not do this. If you are diagnosed and have it, there shouldn't be so much of a difference in your daily life aside from understanding your own actions more.

No. 49704

>>124551
thank you anon you have no idea how much that means to me. Its really annoying to have doctors talking to you like you are crazy but not crazy enough to get help. But your right if i have to start over again then i have to, the alternative isnt exactly a solution

No. 49705

>>124549
Get a new Dr ASAP! My fuckhead Dr thought it'd be a swell idea to put me on an anti-psychotic I didn't need and it fucked me up so bad I decided to just stop taking it (horrible idea) and it made me even more unstable until I tried to off myself.

If you feel this medicine isn't helping you or is making you worse and your current Dr won't help, find a new one as fast as you can. The alternative is much much much worse than just starting over.

No. 49706

>>124551
>>124554
>>124549
Idk if people care but my doctor is quitting his job next month so i will automatically get a new doctor. Which means i dont have to start all over again to get one fuck yeeees

No. 49707

This isn't about me though I need some help. My little brother (17) has been diagnosed with depression. He's going to start therapy soon and also take SSRIs.

I live in a city a couple of hours away so I can't be there for him physically. My parents don't handle mental illness very well. My father doesn't even believe in it. He's a very negative person who constantly nags on my brother (telling him he's lazy basically the worst stuff you could tell someone with depression). My mother works all day and tends to sugarcoat things.

How can I help my brother through this? He’s not very talkative. Social anxiety and inability to express himself are part of his illness so it’s really hard to talk to him on the phone. He always says he’s fine and then tries to end the conversation. He doesn’t have friends he meets outside of school so I don’t think he talks to anybody else about it.

It would destroy me if something would happen to him. I had two male friends who committed suicide around that age so I'm really scared. On top of that, our grandfather committed suicide so it kind of runs in the family.

No. 49708

>>124556
Your parents sound exactly how my parents reacted to my depression diagnosis, to the T.

You should keep reminding him that you're always there for him if he needs to talk, even if he says he's fine or doesn't take you up on it. He will someday. Send him texts/messages with innocuous stuff like funny pics, videos - anything you think he might like, really - to remind him that he's on your mind, and keep doing it even if he doesn't reply. Depression is very isolating, and with social anxiety, it's even worse. I can't emphasise enough how much you need to remind him he's not alone. When you open up Facebook or your phone, and see that your only messages are from spam and your parents, it's an extra punch in the gut.

What are his hobbies? If he likes video games, maybe send him some gifts now and then related to it? It's not going to make him "happy", but I don't know anyone that doesn't like gifts. Try to visit often if you can, maybe do some stuff that can get him out of the house? See a movie?

Also, you should make sure you don't accidentally come across as feeling sorry for him - I can tell you're very sincere, but just be careful.

Once he starts SSRIs and therapy, make sure that he's actually taking them and is actually going to the therapist. Might not be a problem for him, but I've known of some people who go into denial-mode and stop.

All the best to you and your brother, OP, and I'm sorry for your losses. You sound like a very good sister.

No. 49709

BPD, AvPD, recurrent severe depression and AN/EDNOS (changes frequently) here. Recovered from OCD.

Anyone else struggle with weight gain on antipsychotics in combination with an eating disorder? I've gained a total of around 15 kg on them, and I have a hard time dealing with it. I secretly stopped taking them to lose weight, and I'm not suicidal or anything yet, but I can't concentrate for the life of me and have been doing nothing but refresh the same tabs all day, every day. I wish I could at least play vidya or read a book.

Also my bitch ass temporary psychiatrist changed my diagnoses to obvious misdiagnoses and I'm pissed as fuck. I've been misdiagnosed before and it's a pain in the ass, especially when you don't have a lasting sense of identity and base your whole personhood around your labels. And she literally took my eating disorder off the list because "it's a coping mechanism to deal with your other disorders". What the fuck? Isn't coping with any kind of issue by restricting/binging/purging the underlying cause of eating disorders like 99% of the time? Thankfully I'm not seeing her ever again.

No. 49710

>>124558
Maybe you should ask if you could switch to an antipsychotic with less weight gain risk?

With me they take into account that I would probably quit taking them all of the sudden, if I'd gain weight. So they try to avoid antipsychotics that have a big weight gain risk.

No. 49711

I think I am going to kill myself if I don't get money for plastic surgery. Yesterday my bf told me about how weird it was that this girl looked like a doll and I preyed it out of him that he thought it was pretty and I flipped out. He told me I kook like a pale middle eastern princess but I flipped even more because nose jobs are so common for arabic women and I want to look like a porcelain doll even if a sothern one. I hate my face and body so much that I need all I can fixed

No. 49712

>>124467
>>124464
You sound like a lying attention whore who thinks too higjly of herself.

No. 49713

File: 1462035779158.jpeg (40.56 KB, 300x250, image.jpeg)

>>124560
Oh god no! Dont become a haifa wehbe! Or any other ugly ass tranny ayrab celebrity! I'm pretty sure you're pretty…
So many things wrong about your post…Looks like you blame your ethnicity for your nose (I'm pretty sure my nose looks ok, to me at least!), you are pale so you are likely not ethnic looking at all compared to me so I dont understand why you are worried lol, and even if you were ethnic looking…whats wrong with looking like a middle eastern princess? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A DOLL IF YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS?

Oh and seriously, killing yourself just because you dont have money for plastic surgery…??? I understand this feeling very well (im very ethnic looking) but after a while you just grin when you see these girls on instagram who try to look exotic :^) so yeah, fuck dolls exotic is in so be happy! I'm really curious what you look like, could you post someone who looks like you? What is wrong with your body btw? If you're overweight you can lose weight, just dont resort to plastic surgery as a first option! And dont do plastic surgery for your bf btw!

Pic related; pale arab

No. 49714

>>124557
Thank you so much for reading all that and sharing your experience. It really helps to hear from people with similar experiences. While I also have mental health issues I coped with many things in very different ways. I don’t think I understand depression very well.

>>When you open up Facebook or your phone, and see that your only messages are from spam and your parents, it's an extra punch in the gut.


He does’t have a Facebook. I’m not sure if he uses whatsapp but I’m going to ask. Otherwise I’ll have to use plain old text messages. But messaging him on a regular basis is a great idea. I just don’t know about what.

>>What are his hobbies?


He doesn’t have real interests which is due to his depression I think. He doesn’t even listen to music. All he does is sleep, play strategy games on the computer and browse online forums (which he doesn’t talk about. I know about this from accidentally opening his browser history once). It’s really sad and to be honest he should have gotten help much earlier. He was such a happy child. You can see the change in him on photographs. From age 4-10 he’s always genuinely smiling. Then his face turns more and more expressionless. Not even sad just completely… blank. It breaks my heart looking at those pictures.

I really hope he gets a good therapist who knows what they’re doing and keeps an eye on him.

No. 49715

>>124562
Looks more Persian than Arabic to me

No. 49716

>>124564
Thats like saying
>she looks more dutch than german to me
Iran out plz

P.S she doesnt even look ethnic but since anon says that she is a pale arab I just want to show her she probably isnt that ethnic looking since she wants to look like a doll

No. 49717

>>124558
>Recovered from OCD.
how? please help me I don't wanna wash my hands until they bleed anymore.

No. 49718

>>124560
Sage for semi-relevant blogposting

I can pretty much say what >>124562 did. I'm just Sicilian, but my family all looks ethnic to the point of never really passing for being white.

The only thing that has helped me come to terms with how I look is in the last couple of years the huge influx of girls that are actively trying to emulate these ethnic features. One thing that really kicked me was having my picture posted somewhere and being accused of being 'a white girl pretending to look ethnic for street credz' or something. I was like, hm. That's very insulting, but pretty cool that that is actually how people think. That my features are in some way desirable.

WASPs are being kicked out of cultural hegemony, and 'minorities' are the new standard. There's a lot of blending going on and embracing of people that look different. It's not middle school any more where we get picked on for not having pink-hued skin and blue eyes with pert little noses and black hair on our arms. It's a pretty cool time to be alive, honestly, and even though I still hate myself and my body, and I would still accept plastic surgery if someone gave it to me for free, I think that all of us genuinely have a chance to reach self-acceptance within our lifetimes.

Also, being told you look like a pale middle eastern princess is pretty much, like, aesthetic goals for the entire global population of women. I can't think of a much better compliment than that. Your bf is with you because he thinks you're attractive, and beyond that, because he likes you for who you are. Finding other people to also be attractive on an aesthetic level does not negate his feelings for you in the slightest.

No. 49719

Anxiety, depression, paranoia, chronic migraines, undiagnosed PTSD?

Anxiety for 8 years. Been treated with Clonazepam and Lexapro, Clonazepam works but my latest doctor thought an SSRI was the way to go. I quit that shit after a month, made me feel like complete trash. Now I'm afraid to go back to that doctor because she demands I get a blood test done and won't give me the medications I've been on for years.

So now I'm just totally unmedicated, other than gabapentin for my migraines (nothing else works to treat them without bullshit side effects) and medical marijuana.

In 2015, I was robbed at gunpoint while cashiering at work and spiraled into a very difficult time, of which I think was PTSD. Almost every symptom matched up, but I've never been to a therapist or anything other than my primary care doctor.

Once I moved this year and quit the job where I was robbed, things have gotten better. I no longer (or rarely) have panic attacks thinking that someone's going to break in and murder me while I sleep, and my mood swings have evened out as well.

Migraines will never stop, though. And the anxiety and paranoia is a constant. I am always certain that my SO and I will be in a horrible car crash, or that my SO is going to leave me. I have nightmares about him telling me he doesn't love me anymore. He takes care of me so well. I have no idea how he has put up with me for the last 4.5 years.

No. 49720

>>124559
I've tried both Haldol and Risperdal, but turned out to have an intolerance to both of them. According to my psychiatrist there aren't any other options. I've inquired about meds like Seroquel but she told me that if I gain weight on my current antipsychotic (Zyprexa), there's a high chance I'll gain from Seroquel as well.
>>124566
Strangely enough, after ~3.5 years of mysophobia, I ended up growing out of it, so unfortunately I don't have many tips. It happened really sudden, too.

Exposure therapy generally works best for anxiety disorders though, have you tried that yet?

>>124568

Paranoia is very common with GAD. Is it possible for you to get another doctor, or maybe a therapist? If you've had this shit for 8 years and haven't recovered yet, it might be a good idea to try tackling the issue with therapy instead of just meds.

No. 49721

>>124567
Sicillians tbh can look very ethnic, not all but a lot can, Melissa Gorga for example. Imo you're just politically white lol. But about that middle school part I can so relate ;~;.

No. 49722

>>124567
Italians are white you dumblr weirdo. It's ok to be white you know.

No. 49723

>tfw so mentally ill that the only other people who will hang out with you are other mentally ill people

I don't blame anyone for being mentally ill. but it's so frustrating when I'm trying so hard to get better and yet the only friends I make are other people with similar issues who, I really hate to say, impede my progress. I want us all to get better, I really do, but at this point I feel like I have to drop everyone and put on a new normal personality even if it's fake. :/

No. 49724

File: 1462130969396.jpeg (109.47 KB, 736x1123, image.jpeg)

>>124571
>dumblr weirdo
Oh wow…
And omg dont be so insecure like that iran anon, this has nothing to do with dumblr you weirdo. I feel sorry for her that she received this reply. Dont take away her experience of being a woman of color just because she is politically white (idk what sicily anon identifies as, but seeing she brought up that middle school experience she likely did suffer from indirect or direct raw phenotype racism, something a white arab/iranian/italian absolutely imo cant, so dont lump yourself or an entire country (italy even lmao, she clearly said Sicily!) in with her and her family's phenotype.

Pic related; sicilian woman

>>124572

This is so me when I was in high school lol. Improving your personality does not mean that you are faking it. It just feels new because you're hanging out with the wrong people. If you feel they are holding you back as a person you should find new people to hang out with.

No. 49725

>>124569
I can get to another doctor, I just need to find one. But I don't know how much mental health coverage I have. I'm still covered by my mother's insurance until August, after that I've gotta get myself some Obamacare. I need a new primary care doc, anyway.

In my own opinion, I need therapy and access to Clonazepam for situational anxiety. Haven't had it in about 3 years, and its been these past 3 years that things have gotten really shitty. I don't know why I just allow myself to suffer, but I do.

I didn't think you could recover from anxiety, I thought that was a life sentence.

No. 49726

Anyone else have mental illness run in the family? I'm not talking necessarily about having an illness already but rather being worried that you'll develop one in the near future. Paranoid schizophrenia (along with several other issues such as anxiety and autism) is a thing in my moms family, I see hints of it in her, and I'm terrified of developing it myself. I'm already chronically depressed, I don't need that shit…

No. 49727

>>124575

Mental illness runs in my family and I have it too so I'm not worried about whether I'll get it or not lol.
I have a friend who is schizophrenic though and if you haven't developed it yet it will be doubtful you will. If I recall schizophrenia is commonly developed as a child to the teenage years. So if you're 18+ you should be safe. My friend had it develop from her childhood and if I remember she was diagnosed at the age of 14.

Mental illness is one of the main reasons I will never have children though. I can't bring more living beings into this world knowing that there is a high chance they will struggle with mental illness like myself.

No. 49728

really strange question but is there anyone that likes to indulge in their OCD habits?

I have pretty bad trichotillomania but I love to indulge in it. I do pull head hair out but I try my best not to cause too much damage since it affects my appearance. But I obsess about pulling out various other hairs that are more acceptable to not have any of. Such as leg hair, armpit hair, and pubic hair.

I would have bad dermatillomania too but I have never had a problem with acne. But when I have boyfriends with it and if they let me, I will pick at them like crazy. Oh except for awhile I used to pick at the skin of my feet so bad that it would bleed and be painful to walk on, but I stopped that habit. It took a long time to kick but I'm happy I did since my feet looked so disfigured from doing it. With trich I know sometimes they eat the hair but I dont. But the feet picking thing escalated to insane levels. First I would just rip skin off, then one day I thought it would be fun to chew on. But I would never swallow it because thats disgusting right. BUt then one day I just started straight up eating it.

>wtf is wrong with me and why am I so disgusting

No. 49729

>>124573
So everyone who suffers from being othered for their features or culture gets to call themselves POC? Guess russians are proud womyyyn of colour now.

Tumblr plz go.

No. 49730

I'm not the original anon but this probably has to do with being from another country. I live in West Canada where its a melting pot of different cultures. Its similar in the states too since they have so many immigrants. But in other countries it can be a big deal to look a little different or w/e.
I'm >>124576 and the schizo friend I'm talking about was originally born in China. She moved to Japan where she was severely bullied for being Chinese, to the point where this is the main reason she has schizo.

No. 49731

>>124579
Things can trigger schizo, you don't develop schizo through abuse etc. if you don't have it originally

Even drug induced "schizo" (very rare) isn't the same

No. 49732

>>124576
I thought that most people with schizophrenia get their first active phase when they're between 16-25, and that they only have 'negative' symptoms (similar to depression) before that?

No. 49733

>>124581

She might have been diagnosed 15-16 I can't quite remember. I do know she was diagnosed when she came to where she lives now (Canada) and she first came here in grade 9 which is 14 here.

Shes had a really rough life so if she had schizo its no wonder >>124580 that something could have triggered it. Your statement also can be true, it was awhile ago when I first found out I was doing a bunch of reading so I dont quite remember everything.

Shes a really nice girl and she does surprisingly well despite all the hurdles she has. She takes her medication and doesn't suffer from substance abuse which is common apparently. She speaks 3 different languages since shes lived in three countries which is honestly super impressive to me. She speaks Chinese, Japanese, and English. She is really social awkward and can appear stand offish at first when you meet her. I think this is a mix between her illness and growing up in a different culture. She recently finished post secondary education and found a part time job, so I'm really proud of her !

No. 49734

Does anyone have experience coming off antidepressants? I've been on them for quite some time and I was just looking for some advice, I've decided to come off them as I'm on quite a lot of medication and it worries me having so many chemicals in my body

No. 49735

>>124583
Have you spoken to a doctor about i? I've heard far to many stories about people going off their mood stabilizers (mostly because they feel SOOO much better and dont't need them anymore) and suffering for it.

I'll admit I'm pretty bad at taking my meds, but I'm at a fairly low dosage anyway.

No. 49736

>>124584
Seconding this, definitely talk to your doctor about it. DON'T go off your meds willy nilly, it will fuck you up badly. It needs to be done very slowly, lowering your dosage in small increments. Withdrawals suck.

No. 49737

>>124584 >>28019 Thank you, I've been on a high dose for five years, I'm slightly worried what life is like without them, made an appointment with my gp, but I'll be relieved to have less chemicals in my brain, hopefully I might make the side effects of my other medication a bit better!

No. 49738

File: 1462585507185.jpg (1.71 MB, 3000x3000, 1440467668821.jpg)

I feel so awkward even talking about this
but those who suffer with SH/SI, do you ever have urges to hurt your face?
I don't know how to describe it. It's a mixture of hating my face and wanting to show the world "Hey give me attention!" I keep cutting long scratches into my cheek because I like when people ask me what's wrong. I can't do that with wrist cuts cuz it's obvious what I did but I can get away with lying and getting sympathy with this. I'm so pathetic.

No. 49739

>>124587
I haven't actually done it but sure, I mean I think many of us have gone through the fantasy of walking in with a heavy cast or something and having everyone ask what happened and show pity and shit. I guess I went through a phase of those sorts of fantasies, but never acted out on them. You might want to look into cognitive-behavioral therapy if you're looking to beat this. But uh, I mean if you want to be scared up and have people asking about this then just stay the course I guess.

No. 49740

>>124587
I haven't actually done it but sure, I mean I think many of us have gone through the fantasy of walking in with a heavy cast or something and having everyone ask what happened and show pity and shit. I guess I went through a phase of those sorts of fantasies, but never acted out on them. You might want to look into cognitive-behavioral therapy if you're looking to beat this. But uh, I mean if you want to be scared up and have people asking about this then just stay the course I guess.

No. 49741

Same anon as before, what's withdrawal from antidepressants like? Do you still get withdrawals if you do it slowly under doctors supervision?

No. 49742

>>124588
Thanks for the response and
>You might want to look into cognitive-behavioral therapy
I am looking into it now, I've got a meeting with some doctors to start some more intense therapy than what I was getting and looking into group therapy and stuff.

No. 49743

>>124590
The withdrawals are shitty and whether or not you taper off gradually or under medical supervision doesn't make a difference, sadly. The most common and frankly the most irritating/maddening side effect of going off an antidepressant is "brain zaps." It hurts and it feels weird simultaneously. There are other side effects, but that was the one that affected me the worst when I went off.

No. 49744

>>124592 Well that's bollocks, thank you though, I assume you've come off them? How did you feel? I know everyone's different but I'm really freaking myself out

No. 49745

>>124592
>whether or not you taper off gradually or under medical supervision doesn't make a difference

In my experience, tapering off has always been better than going cold turkey.

>>124593

You'll be fine. As the other anon said, brain zaps are the worst part of it, but even then, they're not too horrible. Nothing adverse is going to happen to you. I usually sleep more when I'm withdrawing.

No. 49746

>>124594 What actually are brain zaps? They sound a slight consern as I'm epileptic!

No. 49747

I am fairly certain I fit a bulk of criteria for ASPD. But when I read things about it, or 'sociopaths' and what have you, people always make them sound so sadistic.

I've done some things that could be perceived as sadistic, but I don't think I've ever gone out of my way. I've never tortured animals or any of that. My current boyfriend is positively convinced that I am one, and I've had a few people mention they find me 'off' - but not in those exact words.

I would like to know, as a means of verifying my understanding of myself, but it doesn't seem like it'd be a beneficial diagnosis to seek out.

Whatever the issue is, I'm usually indifferent. But this present boyfriend has made me a little more self aware, pointing out my behaviors.

Said boyfriend tried to break up with me recently. I was a bit mad about this. I'd initially settled on moving on, but I realized it would be inconvenient for him not to pay rent. So I convinced him we should work things out. One of his complaints was that I'd become very violent. As part of the 'terms' bf would stick around, I went to a walk in doctor, lied a little about my symptoms and he gave me an anti depressant. It's calmed me down a lot and my boyfriend said I'm less impulsive in a sense. I used to get the impulsive desire to hurt someone just for walking too slow in front of me and the like, but now it's more tolerable. But it hasn't made me feel bonds with people, or connected. I don't feel guilty about anything, I have no emotional or gut understanding of right/wrong beyond logic. Do these kind of things really make me a sociopath, though? I find it really hard to believe people really care about each other, or feel bad for someone else's loss, but my boyfriend insists people do. I knew the way I felt (or didn't feel) bonds with 'friends' was different, but I figured that's just introversion or something.

…I've also read sociopaths get really angry when someone finds out they're a sociopath. I don't feel angry about my boyfriend thinking that, I'm curious if anything.

How do you guys think about things? Do you really care about other people? Do you really follow rules only because it feels 'wrong' to break them? Would you really want to continue a friendship if there weren't benefits for you?

That just seems illogical… doesn't it?

No. 49748

>>124595
Imagine if you suddenly stuck a fork in a socket for a second.

No. 49749

>>124596
I'm high functioning autistic/aspergers, and what you describe sounds kind of like the lack of empathy I myself too experience. No sadism, mostly just apathy. So autism could also be a possibility, besides ASPD.

No. 49750

>>124596
I feel like you'd benefit more from a talking therapy rather than just taking an antidepressant that is potentially not right for you. I think pigeonholing yourself and comparing yourself to quite a severe personality disorder probs isn't too healthy - there are lots of explanations for a percieved lack of empathy. Obviously if your boyfriend is concerned about you being violent I think its more important to take that seriously and not lie to your doctor.

No. 49751

>>124596
I don't know anything about sociopathy past what's in films, but I know antidepressants and maybe you should be honest with the doctor. Some antidepressants really dampen your emotions, so even though you might not feel violent you might become even more apathetic. My experience with ssri meds always let to me not caring about boyfriend or even caring to go on living. If the dose or med isn't right for you, it can do harm. Also counselling alongside meds is really important.
Like other anon said if you're violent, you need to get the right treatment. It's vital.

>>124595 imagine your brain is a tv or radio broadcast, but every so often at random there are really loud bursts if static reverberating everywhere completely with no warning

That's how I feel it, it knocks you off mental track, can disorient you for a split second and kind of hurts ish

No. 49752

>>124596

I used to think I had ASPD for a while. Turns out I was just a cold, extremely emotionally repressed bitch due to past trauma.

btw 'sociopath' isn't a diagnosis and not all individuals with ASPD are violent. It's basically an absence of empathy in an individual. If you are able to willfully experience empathy for people and animals, you're probably either super repressed like I was or autistic.
Friendly reminded that females are known to be better at masquing the symptoms of autism due to superior social mimicry skills that allow them to blend in better with social groups.

No. 49753

I tried to kill myself last night and nobody cares.

I overdosed on pills and panicked as it was happening. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom for some reason and got overwhelmed with the feeling that I didn't want to leave her. I made myself throw up and then called my parents. They didn't care, at all, and told me that because I did this I can never come back to them for help or visits.

I wish I would have just died. I don't think I can stop myself from doing it again tonight.

No. 49754

>>124602
I'm not the best when it comes to caring, but I've been where you are now, and I felt I could at least give you this post:

Go to the hospital. Walk in doctor, whatever. Whatever is closest. Doesn't matter if you don't have money. Tell them what you did and what you plan to do. Tell them you need help and have no support. They will help you.

It is worth going on. Anti depressants can really help, if not therapy, or both. You can take control of your life, your situation, your thoughts. And as cliche as it sounds, family isn't always blood. You can make a new, better family - meet people who care.

Good luck. Don't OD on pills. If you die of them, it's more likely to happen later on, of organ failure - which is incredibly painful.

No. 49755

File: 1463350552362.jpg (37.59 KB, 720x720, 1462202836176.jpg)

I have no self-esteem,I'm extremely anxious and socially inept.I feel at ease in most social situations,my hands are sweaty I feel as if I can't breath, I start shaking and avoid eye contact.Most of the time I can keep my shit together and seem normal,but sometimes I can have an internalised panic attack when I talk to someone I look very awkard.I also think it alters my personality away and I end up looking stupid and vulnerable.

I want to be able to talk to people and make friends without feeling like I'm dying and ending up hating myself for seeming so overly sensitive.I'm not even sensitive,I don't take things personally I just have negative feelings that I cannot control while I talk to someone,especially when it's someone I think I could be friends with.

I'm so miserable.I wish there would be a way to make my self-esteem grow.I've been abused in my childhood,sometimes I think that's why my self-esteem is so low but maybe It's all my fault,I simply cannot trust my own powers and second-guess myself continously.
I'm naturally introverted,laid back,but this social anxiety only makes me seem like an over sensitive snow flake,but I'm not really lilr that.I just want to be able to connect with people and express my personality without it being altered.The only time I feel comfortable in social situations is when I"m with my best friend but I feel like I'm dependent on her and I hate it.

This week a guy from my school messaged me on facebook and I answered back.I've seen him around the school a lot of times before.We talked a lot,he's extremely witty with a good humour and smart plus we have common interests.We talked a lot and I managed to say a lot of smart stuff and be myself.At one point he asked me what high-school I attend and told him,he said he's never seen me around,when he said that I got super TRIGGERED and realized he's probably seen me but didn't recognise me because I look different from my facebook pictures because they are 2 years old,and haven't updated since then and I looked pretty decent back then.Now I've gained 14 kgs,I'm 165cm tall and 64 kgs in weight,I have bad acne and my hair is short and weird.But my main concern is coming out dumb or boring I'm extremly afraid of being boring.I'm so afraid of seeing him around the school I don't wanna mess things up like I always do.
If anyone could help me with any tips on this,that'd be highly appreciated.
>Excuse my inchoerence and bad grasp on the english language.
I suffer from social anxiety and GAD,but I'll have to see a psychiatrist again in 2 weeks.

No. 49756

I think I may really, really have a personality disorder. I hate to be that person who slaps mental illness labels on myself but the more I look into HPD and whatnot, the more I feel like it's me. I care so, so much about what others think, I wear "slutty" clothing and constantly change to the person I'm talking to so they'll relate to me more, I had a huge problem of making up lies for sympathy, I'll cut my face for sympathy, etc etc, and yet I hate myself so much, I guess all this comes from hate for myself. I feel so weird.

No. 49757

>>124604
This is not what you want to hear but honestly it just seems like you're a person with anxiety going through teenage life. A lot of what's happening now won't matter to you anymore when you actually have a job and a flat and your own life.
Sure, as an anxious person sometimes you're going to wake up at 3am crying over that time you wrote your name wrong in class but unless you learn to manage these feelings you're always going to be finding new things to be anxious about and so weirdly you learn that you're going to be anxious no matter what you do and so specific reasons why start to matter less.
You can survive high-school, and if you fuck it up, it's okay you can literally pack up and move miles away after you graduate. Behavioral cognitive therapy coupled with regular exercise could literally change your life.

No. 49758

>>124605
I forgot to add on but about the changing with people thing, I mean that I'll just change my entire persona to go with whoever I'm talking to, and every few months I'll get a new "interest" where I like a character and end up changing myself completely to go with that character, or sometimes that'll happen for just a week and then disappear like nothing.

No. 49759

Well I finally had a mental breakdown yesterday. I'm normally pretty good keeping the symptoms of my anxiety under control and have never had panic attacks but yesterday morning the stress from college finally got to me and I started vomiting and crying and ended up not going to my 8am class or sleeping until 4am

No. 49760

Anyone in here have a close knit family? I am dealing with a family situation (it's been on going 9-10 months) with my sister. She got lefted with two kids and dealing with divorce, finance etc. It's a difficult situation. My family are the kind of family who discuss and share problems to fix. I feel like it's putting some mega strain on my wellbeing and mental health as I have to listen to my parents argue, sometimes until 4am over it and her decisions. It feels like a very negative space. I've told them how I feel and how it feels suffocating and that their mood affects my mood but they told me to simply 'deal with it because its family and we'd do the same for you'

It makes me feel like a guilty asshole but i'm at a breaking point. I do not want this on-going anymore because its starting to hurt me a lot. With everyone in here, you want your home to feel like a safe stress free space but for me it's turmoil and has been for 9 months. I don't really know what to do anymore or what my options are? Basically i'm just seeking out ways that i can deal with this or if anyone has had a similar experience? Thanks.

No. 49761

>>124605
Hey anon, I just got diagnosed with BPD and I'm very similar to you. My life is a mess because I'm constantly wasting time, energy and money being someone I'm not, my relationships are beyond fucked up because I'm always lying/self harming/making the other person feel shit. I completely get the changing persona thing - in fact I'm spending $$$$ to travel across the world because the person who influenced my old persona (see: two months ago) wanted me to, and it's too late to back out.

Maybe you're not ready for help but I seriously recommend it because your life sounds stressful and exhausting, and even if you're comfortable with your possible personality disorder (I often am too) it's going to fuck you up sooner or later, and you don't deserve that.

If you can't afford/face getting professional help then maybe you should try learning about HPD in more depth, like reading well-regarding books and studies if you haven't already. I haven't had time to read much about BPD yet but just reading stuff online has made me feel less alone. It's really important to realize other people identify with you and that you're not the only person going through this.

Long post, just trying to say I get it, anon, and it sucks.

No. 49762

>>124606
I really hope everything will get better after adolescence,but I don't think anxiety will ever leave my life.I went to a psychiatrist yesterday and was diagnosed with primarily obsessional obsessive compulsive disorder.I somehow feel relieved that I know exactly what I'm suffering from,but it seems impossible to cope with it because it's a complete cluster fuck.

No. 49763

>>124609
If you can move out, then do it. Taking responsibility for putting yourself in a good environment without screwing over others is the best thing you can probably do.
If you're still too young or depending on your family, then you really are going to have to deal with it until it either gets better or you move out. If your family are good to you and look after you, then their emotional baggage or turmoil is just something you have to get on with even if you're really upset by it. You can't demand a safe space from people who don't even have it themselves. If it becomes a violent situation or genuinely abusive situation then that is different but if it's not, it's just part of life.

What you can do is try to be out of the house as much as possible OR to keep trying to convince them that arguing over it won't change a thing. Are your sister and her kids living in the house or in their own? Maybe there's somewhere else you can stay, like with a relative, over the summer if you're not working. I'm sorry that it's a shit situation but it's just something that happens to people when families have problems. When my family broke down I stayed out of the house with friends as much as possible but still helped out with things until I was old enough to move out.

No. 49764

>>124575
I tend to think mentall illness is caused by environment, rather than genetics. This could be empowering to you as it shows that YOU can actually improve your health situation.

There is an English psychologist called Oliver James that supports this idea. He has written a few books, and has free articles/videos online that I would recommend.

No. 49765

I started getting anxiety when I was 9. I started faking being sick to escape school. Around 13 I had my first true breakdown and made a weak attempt to kill myself. I was in the hospital for a year. I changed high school and been good until 19. Then, at college, there it was again. Since then, my life have been failure after failure. I have no skill, no degree, can't barely get out of the house. I've tried multiple times to kill myself to no avail because I'm weak willed. Years of psychiatric help and two separate stay in the hospital have done nothing. I'm 26 now. I know now it wasn't just being a teenager and that it's likely never going away. I don't even have a diagnosis. Doctors haven't been able to pinpoint what is it except that I have "a lot of anxieties and souffrance".
At this point, I just wish I could end it painlessly.

No. 49766

I think killing myself is the only way out. No amount of therapy or drugs will turn me into a normal person, it's been too long and my personality is just depression now. I'm finished.

Now, if only I were brave enough to actually do it.

No. 49767

>>124613
imho it's both. A bad environment can trigger existing bad genes, while a good environment means that they may never be activated.

No. 49768

>>124613
Mental illness can absolutely be genetic. It's been proven that schizophrenia and bipolar have genetic components. Personality disorders are largely environmental but the real crazy stuff have prevalent genetic roots.

No. 49769

>>124617
idk about personality disorders. I may be talking out of my ass here, but hasn't research shown that certain regions in the brains of people with PD are actually smaller?

No. 49770

>>124618
Not an expert either but from what I know that's true but thought to be caused by environmental factors rather than genetics. People with personality disorders often had a bad childhood which means their brain didn't develop as it should have, meaning some parts are smaller/less developed (from what I understand).

No. 49771

File: 1463661163908.gif (1.83 MB, 500x305, muldersad.gif)

wondering if some kind of Telegram/Skype/Discord would be a good idea…? I just suspended my studies at uni for a second time because a bad reaction to new meds seems to have snowballed into full blown depression, on top of my anxiety + self-esteem issues. would be nice to have someone to talk to other than my boyfriend (who is a great support, but I feel like I bring him down sometimes)

No. 49772

>>124617
Sensitivity for developing mental illness is genetic. The environment has to trigger it.
This is why not everyone who experienced trauma develops PTSD or a personality disorder, even without support.

Some people have a genetic predisposition towards anti social personality disorder, but due to a good upbringing and a happy childhood, they don't develop ASPD.

Which is also why weed/alcohol can cause psychosis in some individuals, and not in others. Sensitivity.

No. 49773

My psychologist is horrible and dangerous.

You don't tell a person who hallucinates that their hallucinations are real and that they should seek out religion. You could make someone really delusional that way. If someone has the insight to rationalize that it isn't real, you're not going to tell them that it is. Especially if it causes them anxiety and their hallucinations are threatening.

I'm glad I'll see a different psychologist soon. Hopefully they won't be like this one. It almost seems like my psychologist is more looney than me. I reported her to her superior and they agreed with me that she shouldn't be doing such things.

No. 49774

>>124621

sorry to tell you but ASPD is not "developed" like that. You are born that way. the environment can cause you to act it out differently but it something people are born with.

Other things you mentioned like psychosis etc can be 'triggered'

No. 49775

>>124623
Yes you are born with having a brain like that. But not everyone with a brain like that, has enough traits, to be seen as clinically significant.

No. 49776

put this in the wrong thread, but benzos for anxiety yes or no? I'm torn but therapy is only making me worse and I just want one day off from being constantly on the verge of shitting myself from fear

No. 49777

>>124625

they are really on meant for short term use. Especially for anxiety, are usually only given during a 'crisis' situation because they are extremely abusable, super addictive, and bad for you. I would not suggest using them

No. 49778

>>124626
that's pretty much what i figured. i got about 30 of them, but i'll make sure to not use unless extreme shitmode. thanks!

No. 49779

>>124627

honestly I would only take one if you feel like you are on the verge of a breakdown or panic attack. It will not be good being addicted to those, trust me. try your best not to use them when you 100% do not have to, the feelings you may feel on them might try to sway you but don't give in! good luck <3

No. 49780

>>124628
I'm a different anon, but why would my GP want me to take benzos all the time? I said that I don't do well on them and don't like taking them.
I asked if they could instead just raise my dosage of antipsychotics, to make me more calm, but they seem terrified to do that (I also have actual psychotic symptoms, so antipsychotics is the obvious choice). They just want me to be sedated on benzos all the time it seems. Which doesn't sound like a good idea, since apparently you can get easily addicted.

No. 49781

I suspect that I have BED (not wanting to self diagnose, but I do fit the criteria for it, and find that if I say eating disorder/disordered eating people just immediately assume it's restrictive/to do with skipping meals), and it interacts a lot with my depression. I started comfort eating a lot when I was young, and that's slowly progressed to binging when I'm feeling depressed (I wish I was one of the people who lose their appetite with depression). Then when I binge I feel more depressed because I feel out of control and pathetic, plus I gain weight. Then feeling more depressed leads me to binge more, and so it goes on. It's probably been years since I went much more than a week without a binge, I just don't know how to stop.

>>124583

>>124586
I know this is really old but don't even attempt to come off them on your own, and don't expect to be able to be off them quickly. Being on a high dosage for 5 years may mean it could take a year or so to taper off them, and it's worth it to not rush the process. I'm probably overly cautious regarding this kind of thing because I always get awful withdrawal symptoms, and they cause a lot of physical and mental pain and distress.

Fuck me, this wasn't meant to be a long post. Sorry for the pity party.

No. 49782

>>124629
Well, benzos are less dangerous than neuroleptics on the long term. Have you heard about the risk of tardive dyskinesia? I stopped neuroleptics because of it.
You can always go through withdrawls with benzos, but once neuroleptics fuck up your brain, it's for life.

No. 49783

>>124631
Quetiapine doesn't have a high risk of tardive dyskinesia. I'm still on a fairly low dose, so I doubt that raising it will cause tardive dyskinesia.

Benzo withdrawal would only make my problems worse. I already hallucinate, am suicidal, have panic attacks, and am confused all the time, I don't think it would be good for me to risk getting addicted to benzos and having to go through withdrawals.

No. 49784

>>124632
Just asking, did you gain weight on quietapine? What dose are you taking? I loved it, it was working really well but I had to stop after I suddenly gained 15kg. I really miss it now; my anxiety is off the chart.

No. 49785

>>124627
Im this anon

Took a couple last night, audio hallucinations all through the night and now i'm all tingly and weird + slow

Benzos are scary mang

No. 49786

>>124633
I've lost weight. 100 mg, so it's still a pretty low dose.

No. 49787

>>124629

I honestly think doctors over medicate all the time. It's way easier than trying different medications vs just sedating your patient/soothing them with benzos bc they feel so good.

There ARE dangerous POSSIBLE side effects of long term AP use. But I would argue that long term use of a benzo is worse since they are a class 2 controlled substance, cognitive function is significantly impaired, and the withdraw is hell and can even be fatal. They are OK when taken Occasionally on an "as needed" basis like I said earlier but this is very hard to do since they are so addictive. With a low dose AP (which you may not even need to take for life) you would be better off IMO as a lower dose does not have a lot of side effect potential plus they are not an "addictive" drug (although you may also build up a tolerance/withdrawls from higher doses if stopped suddenly).

>>124633

Some people do, but you can manage it. It is a common symptom of AP

>>124632


this is partially one of the reasons AP may be better for some is due to the low abuse potential.

>>124634


I would speak to your doctor about this and make sure you are taking the appropriate dosage. Some drugs do not work for everyone so it is best to ALWAYS tell your doctor when you feel weird on a drug just in case. Especially if you are experiencing hallucinations, I would schedule an emergency visit ASAP.

No. 49788

Kind of a long shot because I haven't met anybody that takes these, but anybody here taking Brintellix?
I have been on them since January and would be pleased to have someone to discuss it with

No. 49789

>>124636
I'll talk to my doc.
As a side note, it was a little funny. One of the things i kept hearing was the JOOHN CEEENAAA song. What a trip.

No. 49790

>>124636
I couldn't manage it. I thought it was bullshit and you could just restrict your intake, but hell, was I wrong.
I never had weight problems before, and suddenly, all I could think about was eating. There was no stopping. It WASN'T fucking manageable.

No. 49791

Any Venkafaxine/Effexor-fags here?
I've been on 150mg for 6 years but I'm thinking about pregnancy and apparently there's a better venlafaxine option for that.

How would I go coming off it after six years? I get zaps and dysphoria if I miss one dose, and if I miss a second one I'm ready to kms over the withdrawals.

Different doctors have given me different info ranging from 'we'd have to hospitalize you for a while' to 'ill give you a benzo and you'll be fine' to 'no. I'm not prepared to take you off it at all'.

No. 49792

I'm so sick of my ADHD. Multiple specialists have written off my lack of ability to focus on anything as stress; they see a relatively articulate adult female and automatically rule out ADHD as a possibility. I'm left self-medicating with caffeine, vitamins, and whatever drugs I manage to procure. For fuck's sake, I failed out of a four year college and then bombed community college twice because most of the time I couldn't be fucking bothered to open a textbook. When I did, I had to read things about five times before even beginning to understand wtf the book was saying.

I'm exhausted all of the time, and yet I'm hyperactive all of the time. I can never get to sleep, and then I sleep and sleep and sleep. I have insane trouble motivating myself to do basic things like clean my room or wash the dishes, and then when my ass is finally there, I do them for like 4 hours. My sense of time is completely fucked.

I am so sick and tired. I can't go on living this way. But I've exhausted my legal options and don't know where I can go next.

No. 49793

Anxiety, depression, PTSD, autism, and inhibited attachmemt disorder. The last one isn't a set in stone diagnosis because I haven't fully completed this round of testing yet, but the psychologist is pretty certain of it. The anxiety, depression and PTSD are pretty severe, I spent over four months inpatient for them, but am in maintenance mode right now.

No. 49794

>>124640
Effexor withdrawal is the worst. I had to stay in bed for a week, unable to do anything. The worst was the insomnia which persisted for month. Make sure you'll have nothing important to do in the weeks following, because you'll be good for nothing. Don't believe docs who tell you it's going to be a piece of cake, they are lying. You can do it at home, but you'll need bedrest and benzos. You'll also need some surveillance in case suicidal ideation kicks in.

No. 49795

>>124641
This is weird, actually adult females get more often diagnosed with adhd than men. I'm also "well-articulated" (in my native language at least), do quite well in college and never had a problem getting the diagnosis. Did you go to adhd specialist? Can you get behaviour therapy without a diagnosis? To be hones, medication isn't the key. Sure, it makes things easier but the most important thing is to know your condition and have strategies how to deal with it. I achieved the biggest changes without medication only reading stuff and figuring out what works best for me. I'm on adderall now but I only take a small amount and it doesn't really make a difference if I go without it. I take it mostly so my eating habits don't go out of control.

No. 49796

>>124644
Psychiatrists hand out Adderall like candy when you're in college.

In the real world, it's not that easy because a young adult female who presents well at the doctor's office couldn't possibly have chronic attention/memory problems and therefore has to be a drug seeker. Doctors overcompensate by making it impossible for you to get help. I failed several battery tests (?) and was still let go and told I was simply stressed out.

No. 49797

>>124645
None of my doctors knew I'm in college. I have two jobs on the side so I think I'm part of the real world.

No. 49798

>>124646
anon….where do you live? If you're not in a college area where plenty of kids fake attention problems for an addy scrip, you will have an easier time.

No. 49799

I've been severely depressed for a while now. Living with my emotionally abusive/manipulative BPD mother doesnt help things at all. Feel like I've lost passion for most things except listening to music. I feel like an empty husk of a person I once was. I'm hyper alert and anxious to everything, and I'm convinced I have OCD because of all the fucked up thoughts that go into my head. The worst part is that I only have one real friend I consistently talk to, but she doesn't seem to understand or care and only thinks of me having a lot of anxiety and nothing else. She's too normal to understand. Haven't seen my psychologist in a month and I feel like I'm slowly losing myself as a person. I've isolated myself from everything that I don't feel like a person anymore

No. 49800

I recently was discharged and I still feel terrible.

No. 49801

I'm the literal definition of a basket case .-.

No. 49802

Anon with depressed brother again >>124556
My brother has been put into a psychiatric ambulance by his psychiatrist. I don't know how to deal with it. And my parents don't either.

Currently he's in hospital with adult patients and tomorrow they will put him on medication but my parents don't even know what medication. I’m not living in the same town so I rely on what they and my brother tell me.

I feel like the situation is out of control. Yesterday I talked with my brother and asked him if he likes the other patients. He said they're quiet and seem "kind of dumb". It kills me that he thinks suffering from mental illness is something bad. The idea of him being alone in a hospital room breaks my heart. He spent his birthday there.

No. 49803

I don't want to live. Not in the sense I want to kill myself immediately or anything.
I am often consumed with sadness, reading about people who become very sick or have family members who are sick. It just sounds so torturous and horrible. I've convinced myself I have some kind of disease, and doing so has actually soothed my anxiety. It's kind of like closure, like it would be acceptable for me to die now because I have this disease (real or imaged)

No. 49804

I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me or whether it's self-fulfilling prophecy, but i tend to always be content with my life for a period of time, usually the first half of the year, and then i spiral into this depression-like period when it hits June. It lasts until early new year and then the process repeats itself.

I don't understand it at all, it's like I wake up one day feeling like I am finally free from my depression, only to wake up spiraling back to feeling numb and wanting to stop living. It's quite frustrating really when you don't really know what's going on and why you can't seem to live like a normal, functioning person. It doesn't help the fact that when i do feel content, i don't really know what to do with myself, because I feel like i'm depressed more often than i feel happy.

TL;DR I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde every year.

No. 49805

>>124651
I'm sorry to hear, anon. You and your family must be absolutely terrified. Is there something that triggered this? Wishing all the best for your brother and your family. I can't imagine his psychiatrist getting him put in a psych ward for light reasons. Would it be possible for you to visit home?

No. 49806

>>124654
>>124654
I really don't understand the situation. He can leave whenever he wants so he's not forced to stay there but they recommend keeping him there for at least another week. He's only 18 and he's staying there with adults in their 30s. I think this environment might actually make it worse.

He's now taking zyprexa and the diagnosis is depression with psychotic episodes which DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. I never saw him exhibit psychotic features. I thought when you're psychotic, you can't really hide it (???!). He's tired and depresses and I'm afraid zyprexa is only going to make it worse.

No. 49807

>>124653
Idk i know that feel anon. My depressive periods aren't fixed like yours are, but it's always like about half a year or so feeling like motivated and ready to do well in school and really giving a shit about like idk getting my life together and on the right track and then all of a sudden i just kind of drop. Like i dont just not want to go to class, because that's pretty understandable (fatigue and all that) but i just become more emotionally unstable and erratic and i cant even bring myself to care about all the things that i used to prioritize so much. I just can't and i want to lie down in a hole and kind of stay there forever. Last time it happened i ended up flaking out on school (no idea how i graduated high school with all those absences) and relapsed. And it's happening right now and my grades are slipping and i cant even find it in me to care.
Are you on antidepressants?

No. 49808

>>124655
lol now after I told him to ask the doctor why he's getting Zyprexa they switched him to Abilify. What are these doctors even doing?

No. 49809

>>124655
Hiding psychotic features isn't that difficult if you have a bit of insight. Plus most people who have a psychotic episode will isolate themselves, so that makes noticing it way more difficult. Do you really think someone is going to just randomly tell you about hallucinations or delusions?

No. 49810

>>124658
I had drug induces psychosis myself and since I thought my hallucinations were real I told people about them. I actually went to the hospital because I was convinced my brain was melting. I also know someone with the diagnosis depression with psychotic episodes. He sometimes thinks his stomach is going to explode and he isn’t able to be quiet about this fear either. I mean, if you think something is real and you're in danger, why would you not tell other people? And even if you don’t tell you would still appear anxious and agitated. My brother is neither. Even at the point when I knew I was psychotic I still had problems not asking for help when I thought the people in the other room were planning to kill me. If you're scared of something that you think is real it's really hard to keep quiet about it. At least that's what I thought…

No. 49811

>>124659
Not to scare you but it could be that they are trying to diagnose him as schizophrenic. He is getting to the right age to be diagnosed for it.

No. 49812

>>124659
When hallucinations are bizarre, you can recognize it's not real. If you see dead people laying everywhere, and you mention that other people don't see it, you know it's a bad idea to tell them about your hallucinations, because you know they will think you're crazy.
If you have paranoid delusions, big chance you aren't going to tell other people about it, since they're 'in on it', or you don't think you can trust them about it. With grandiose delusions, you might not tell other people about it, since you are 'the chosen one' and they won't understand etc.
Yes and what if you appear anxious or agitated? That doesn't automatically mean you are psychotic, most people won't even think about that and just think you have an anxiety disorder or are stressed.

No. 49813

>>124661
idk I asked him after he's been diagnosed if he experiences such things and he said no. Why would he hide it from me even now? I'm the person he trusts most. I’m glad he's on Abilify now - seems to be less risky than Zyprexa and is also used for OCD and Autism which I think might be the right direction besides the depression.

>>124660

Yes, that's what I'm scared of.

No. 49814

>>124662
Ehm it can be quite embarrassing to have psychotic experiences. Also, autism can be accompanied with psychotic experiences, so if there's a chance he is autistic, there's even more reason why it might not be as obvious.

No. 49815

>>124663
I realize it might be embarrassing for him (though I don't think it should and my brother knows I wouldn't judge him) but why would he lie and say he doesn't know why he got the diagnosis? He also said he didn't mention psychotic episodes, hallucinations or whatever to the doctors.
He seemed genuinely shocked when I told him that the doctors think he’s got depression with psychotic episodes.

If he is psychotic I'm happy if he gets treatment but I've never seen any signs of it and as long as he doesn't tell me he experiences such things I'm going to be suspicious regarding this diagnosis.
A week ago he was supposed to have mild depression and now after talking to a doctor once and having blood work done he's suddenly psychotic?

If the doctors would at least tell us what lead to this diagnosis…

No. 49816

>>124664
Weird doctors hmm, maybe you should ask for an explanation from the doctors?

No. 49817

>>124656
Nah haven't even gone get any professional help because i can't afford it and my parents don't believe in mental health. The depressive periods may not be as specific as i mentioned, sometimes it hits earlier or lasts longer but i realised it usually comes at the later part of the year.

Sorry to hear about your grades anon. I went through the same thing but i forced myself to care about my grades because if i fail my parents would probably disown me. Hang tight, just try your best to care about your grades you can do it!

No. 49818

>>124627
Dunno if you're still around but I got a xanax prescription earlier this year and my advice is to think of it as an airbag, not a seatbelt. Don't use it as a preventative use it when shit has already hit the fan.

No. 49819

today i had my first therapy appointment because i've been pretty deep in a depressive episode for the last few months. the doctor had me do some questionnaires and asked me a bunch of things, and told me that i exhibit almost all the traits of BPD. I've always thought that BPD is just a diagnosis used for edge points on the internet and that every person seems to meet some of the criteria for it at some point because you know, everyone is a human with dumb ridiculous emotions, but she told me some shit that's really fucked me up because it just hit way too close to home and now i hate myself even more than usual

>end blog post soz

No. 49820

>>124668
you'll be ok anon!
even if you are BPD the best thing you can do is accept it and learn about it.

No. 49821

Hypothyroidism bought lots of problems for me. I was diagnosed with depression that thankfully got much better as soon as I started medication. Because of how well it worked I'm far too scared to come off it again.

I have a lot of brain fog problems because of my thyroid. I get dizzy a lot and constantly get confused or forget things. Then most recently came depersonalization. The first time it happened I had a panic attack and fainted. Now I regularly feel like my hands don't belong to me and can't connect to situations. It feels like I'm watching things on tv instead of them happening in front of me.

No. 49822

>>124669
Thank you anon. I've spent the last ten days trying to read about and understand it but almost everything I've found hasn't really resonated with me at all. So many people in the BPD community seem to revel in their disorder and use it as an excuse to be manipulative, abusive and nasty and it makes my skin crawl. I've been feeling so numb and empty and I just don't know who I am or what is wrong with me and I hate it. I don't feel like I'm attached to anything.

No. 49823

File: 1466773491866.jpg (26.37 KB, 339x607, 1465338583272.jpg)

If anyone can maybe tell me if this is just a passing thing or not, or just if theyve experienced something familiar

Recently I was advised by my doctor to stop taking Cymbalta(started 60mg and then lowered to 30mg) as she was changing doses to get me to only take Welbutrin(150mg to 300mg) and I'm starting to feel different even though its only been a couple days. I've felt pretty robotic for quite a whole which is probably due to the medication. As I also take seroquel which i guess is a mood stabilizer.
I've gotten every shitty withdrawal which was expected but the unusual one is these thoughts im getting or feeling emotions. I don't know if I'm just not used to it or not, but they arent nice emotions, I'm feeling really insecure, like nothing feels right or just overwhelming.
The other night I just started crying because of it, the thoughts aren't fun either, I keep getting urges to just quite all my medication, break up with my current bf, and just become a shut in again completely alone in my room like I lived for a long time.

I cant tell if this is a passing feeling, something i'll just need to adjust to, or something I should really worry about, or even possibly a symptom of withdrawal.

I know deep down that quitting my meds is a horribly bad idea. I have severe anxiety and depression. I haven't been diagnosed with any personality disorders or other things besides ADHD as I have never been completely checked since I never see psychs nearly enough for them to know. I just know off medications I am very strange, like can't function like a human strange. I am incoherent, can't handle most social contact even with family members very long.

Sorry if its a jumbled mess, my brain is extremely foggy and i can't think straight. I'm just really stressed out, think im fucking up my teeth because my jaw is clenched most the time. I can't describe the insecure feeling either, vulnerable maybe is a better word? I dont even know what im rambling on about anymore. I don't have really anyone to vent to about these problems so maybe im just letting it out right now.

No. 49824

I maybe have BDD and my disordered eating used to be really bad (mostly just purging and restricting).

I'm living with my mom until September and she is constantly calling my face ugly (I have really severe emotional problems revolving around feeling my face is deformed/ugly) and calling me fat.

This morning she called me fat, and said that when she was my age she was 10 pounds lighter.

She doesn't really care about my mental health, I've tried to talk to her about it before. Basically I'm in turmoil every day for the last 8 years over the way I look, constantly crying myself to sleep every night over being ugly, went under the knife for a nosejob that was really complicated because I had broken my nose previous and there was a lot of scar tissue, it was hell. My entire life has revolved around BDD-like symptoms and being ugly…

Maybe I am a little fat (literally a meme, 5'2" and 110 lbs, 34-26-34) and I was skinnier before, but it makes me feel bad because I've already lost 5 lbs since I've started dieting last month and am losing more weight. I eventually want to get back to my goal weight of 90 lbs. I'm not really concerned at all with restricting.

It just hurts a lot coming from my mom. Because when I was thin she would make fun of my body and call me too skinny and say that I looked like I was in the auschwitz. Even though I was healthy.

And no matter what she calls me ugly…

I'm just in turmoil, she's causing all my mental problems to thrive. She says stuff like "I look better than anon and I'm 55" (she means her face, because she is 60 lbs heavier than me). It hurts me so much and when I try telling her she doesn't care.

Even when I lived without her, I would cry myself to sleep almost every day because I'm so ugly and unattractive, but being here I've actually considered suicide seriously on multiple occasions because my dad owns shotguns. It's just so fucking difficult to take.

Sorry for the blog.


No. 49825

File: 1466790810054.png (136.24 KB, 1080x1920, Screenshot_2016-06-24-10-50-54…)

Anyone here that uses a mood tracker? Ive been trying it out so maybe I have some more input for my doctor.
I really want to hear about other peoples moods and mood trends, so feel free to blog post to me!

My moods been continuely neatrul or just meh and it's bugging me. Is it totally normal for this? Seems a bit depressing. I'm on antidepressants and anxiety medication so I wonder if that is having an effect of stabilizing me. My bad days are usually when I forgot to take my medicine the night before

No. 49826

>>124674
I've tried to track my moods before, but having BPD makes it difficult because my mood can change 20x a day and I'm never able to find a good "average" for each day.

No. 49827

I hope it's ok to ask in this thread.
But is there anything you can do about self harm scars? They are fully healed and white by now, but I'm ashamed to have them and they remind me of a very bad time I'd like to forget.

No. 49828

>>124676
There's a product called bio-oil, it's usually used by old ladies to reduce wrinkles but it works really well on scars as well.

Other than that, they disappear on their own over time. That's why scarification costs more than a tattoo.

No. 49829

>>124674
what app is this?

No. 49830

>>124674
I use it mostly to see how my meds are working for me and whether the dosage has to be changed.

It's better to be stable, than being rad one day and awful immediately after that. That's kind of what medication does, stabilize you. The amount of those chemicals in your body everyday is the same, so your mood will be fairly stable, but of course can change due to events happening.

I use boosterbuddy, so the biggest part of the month, I'm just 'not great', with a few days where I'm 'good' or 'struggling'.

No. 49831

File: 1467307168732.jpg (88.81 KB, 640x920, 0518bf49ceb8b6657910dc290bcf9b…)

I can't get a hold of my psychiatrist. I have been sending multiple emails for the past 3 weeks- with no respond and his phone is only open 45 minutes 2 times a week and I haven't been able to get through.

I don't want to get a new one, because it would feel like I have to start over and it's bothersome having to open up to a new person, but this is giving me trust issues.

I'm not sure what to do right now.. I just need to set up an appointment so I don't think I should use the urgent number and I don't want to seem pushy either..

No. 49832

>>124680
He might be on vacation or be having some kind of family emergency/crisis.

I'm getting a new therapist and I can't have our intake until the second week of July because he's out of town to visit family.

If you're really in need I'd suggest finding a temporary option, if possible.

If this goes on for longer than a month though you may just want to switch psychiatrists. Whether he's ignoring you because he's busy or dealing with a short to long term crisis, it doesn't bode well.

No. 49833

>>124680
This would drive me nuts. He doesn't work for a practice that makes appointments for him? Personally, I would get a new, more accessible psychiatrist, especially he's prescribing you medication. Even if he's on vacation or dealing with a crisis, he should've set up a email notifier or a message on his phone. It seems very unprofessional, and 3 weeks is a long time.

It makes me grateful for mine. My psychiatrist can be reached by text at almost any time of the day, and I've needed it quite a few times - if I've run out of meds, had an urgent question, etc. It's so convenient for an anxiety-ridden piece of shit shut-in like me.

No. 49834

>>124672
Hey anon. As someone who has been on all of those (and manymanymany more), let me see if I can help.

So, every med has a withdrawal time– 2 weeks to what seems like months. Obvies Cymbalta plays a small part. Depending on how sensitive you are to meds, upping Wellbutrin could be a huge thing. And I can't remember if Seroquel is a stabilizer or something anti-depressant, but if it hasn't recently changed (and your last combination of meds was 'decent' before the change) I'd knock that out of being the cause.

At any rate, you should call your Psych/Doctor/whoever. If it is withdrawal, then you'll have it confirmed– but if it's also side effects of upping the Wellbutrin, they need to know so they can help you fix it.

I completely understand when you say you feel foggy– I was on Lithium for a week and could not understand past the haze. (When I was in IP and they gave it to me– after I told them I already tried it and it was negative towards me– I found myself lying on the floor of the hallways sometimes. Just. Laying. Don't know what the fuck happened with that shit. Guess I thought it'd be a nice spot to fucking curl up and lay.)

You definitely do not want to quit your meds– it fucks you up even more and makes you feel entirely worse about everything.

Just contact your doctor who upped your Wellbutrin and stopped your Cymbalta to let her know. That combination just isn't right for you. It's not your fault and it happens all the time.

I hope you find a good combination of meds for you.

——-

Onto why I came into this topic. I have had clinical reoccuring depression for about 11 years. It fucking sucks– for a long time they thought I was bipolar and I was on SSRIs and all sorts of bullshit before I was hospitalized and they realized; OCD, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and fucking eating disorder bullshit. I sound like a goddamn tumblr my bad guys. Anyway, there are many, many days where I can't get out of bed… which is fucking ridiculous and i hate it. but then i miss work because i literally do not want to move my body out of my bed, out of my room, into the world to my job where i have to deal with fucking people all day.

I used to be so anxious going into work and being at work that I had anxiety attacks and a few panic attacks.

I srsly don't know what to do. Do I quit? Do I give notice if I do? Do i get a new job? where the fuck is going to allow me to work like four days a week five-six hours a day? what's going to have the flexibility to give me income as well as mental health relief? fuck i still need to make appts with therapists and psychs and doctors ever since i moved but i am ungodly nervous or anxious or whatever the fuck of talking on the phone to people i don't know– which i can't even justify. because i don't fucking know them and thy don't know me so how could their words hurt me. do i need to go on fucking disability for fucking depression? can depression be classified as a goddamn disability?

I have so many fucking questions and I don't know how to put on the big girl panties and adult at 21– i don't even know how the fuck to drive.

No. 49835

>>124677
Thank you. I'll try that.
They are 10+years old so I doubt they'll change anymore.

No. 49836

Hey farmers. I suspect my sister has an undiagnosed personality disorder or maybe Asperger's. Left to her own devices, she's not going to take the initiative of finding a specialist who can help her out.

Since she's a legal adult, what are some options? Would it look bad/fishy to a clinician if I were to contact them on her behalf? I'm in the US, btw, can give my state if needed.

No. 49837

>>124685
If she won't seek out professional help herself, there's nothing you can do. Any clinician you try and contact would tell you the same. Since she's legally an adult, the only way she could get a diagnosis is if she were involuntarily hospitalized.

No. 49838

>>124686
Gotcha. Officially, there isn't a way…but I'm also wondering if anyone here has managed to successfully intervene in an adult friend or family member's mental health and if they have any advice.

My (college-aged) sister has anger/empathy/anxiety/general social issues and it's obviously impossible to tell if it's PD or autism or just extreme emotional immaturity. As far as I can tell she lacks a lot of self-awareness.

I'm not trying to white knight or anything but if she doesn't get help, her problems are going to snowball. And I can't just stand by while that happens.

No. 49839

My shrink wants to put me on a small dosage of zyprexa. I'm not taking anything right now and feeling good but I know my chronic anxiety and depression will come back. I've gain 15kg on seroquel last year and only lost a couple. I'm fat and want back on my normal bmi. I already have trouble restraining right now, it's going to be hell to be back on a neuroleptic. It feels like there's always going to be something wrong.
Wish I were dead already.

No. 49840

Lifelong anxiety and depression as a result of a very neglectful upbringing and severe bullying as a child. I started having really bad dissociative episodes in my early 20's as well, which made me consider the idea that I might be suffering from legitimate trauma. Not like you can get that (C-PTSD) as a diagnosis. Had one psychiatrist suggest BPD at my absolute lowest point, but that never really went anywhere, and most therapists I've mentioned that story to found it shocking and said they'd never consider me to be a candidate for BPD.

My mental health issues got bad enough that despite being a fairly outgoing person by nature, I stopped socializing with just about everyone besides my boyfriend and his family for about two years.

I'm getting better, though. Slowly, but surely.

No. 49841

So I just need to write something down really quick.

Been dealing with depression/anxiety all my life, mainly due to my father's death and my mother's extreme physical and emotional abuse, alongside her emotional instability.

There's something literally wrong with her. Idk what it is but I think shes so far gone that nothing can get through to her. About 15 minutes ago, she literally sprinted across the house and came at me with a metal placemat/charger and tried to smash it on my head. Last week she got violent with me again. Idk what to do but it's fucking bothering me. On the one hand, we live in a nice house and she's paying for new furniture for my room. On the other, she's intent on physically beating me and being overall fucking crazy. I'm 18 but…I dunno. I need to talk to my therapist about this ASAP but it's crazy how insane she is. I mean I understand if I'm being disrespectful she yells at me - but to be violent the way she is for literally all my life, it just fucks with me.

No. 49842

I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. My lowest point before this was dropping out of school because I was too depressed to get out of bed.

Lately I've been feeling that bad again. I work a shit dead end job but my friend helped me get that job and she's so nice to me, I feel bad but I want to quit. I've been really anxious lately and called out yesterday and when I came in today she asked how I was doing and I ended up just crying. She held me in her arms for a minute and soothed me and hugged me and then helped me by asking our boss to not schedule me much next week so that I could have some time to get my shit together.
I feel bad and like I'm letting everyone down but I want to quit my job really badly. My friend is the only good thing about it, but the job itself makes me want to die. It's sweaty, gross work and I have to deal with the public who never fail to be rude and demanding and I can't handle it.
I feel so pathetic, I've tried my hardest to be an adult and cope but I'm not good enough to make it. I don't know how I'm ever going to hold down a job when routine and people make me want to die.

No. 49843

Does anyone have any advice on self care outside of medication and psychiatric help?
Psychs haven't been doing shit except pointing out the obvious to me with little to no advice on conquering anything
I've decided on just doing my own thing considering I know what wrong and they're just draining the money from my wallet as best as they can.
Ginseng can help stabilize mood and whatnot but I'm sick of being told the obvious by Psychs so I want to fix myself by myself

Anyone going down this road at all?

No. 49845

Yoo, so i got my diagnosis. Long story short I have GAD with a side of RBD, the depression, not the, uh skin pickers (? It shares the abbrevation). Explains a lot. On third day of lexapro. Any other RBD anons? I had no idea THAT was the reason i was the way i have been all my life. Feels weird. Hope meds work, so far only jaw clench and one horrible panic attack in regards of side effects (never had a panic attack, now i get why people think they are dying lol)

No. 49846

I really hate everything about my life right now /g/. I've been going to a therapist but they are of the mind set that I should be able to get through my depression without drugs. They refuse to refer me to anyone about it. I just can't take it anymore though. The therapy only makes me feel shittier because I think it's all my fault for not being able to put forth my will. My wolf biting has gotten even worse lately too. I can hardly do anything unless I wear gloves and socks because my picking has gotten so severe. My therapist never even talks about it with me though. What do I do? I feel like I should get a new therapist but there aren't many in my health plan.

No. 49847

Lately because I stopped getting nightmares I feel so guilty that I might not have PTSD at all. Could anyone here with PTSD confirm to me that it's possible to stop getting nightmares/to stop thinking about the trauma after so many years? I feel so guilty and it's haunting me, however I did not "beg" for the diagnose at all.

No. 49848

>>124695
Go see your primary care physician to get a referral to see a psychiatrist. Therapists aren't even doctors so I have no idea why you'd go to them for a referral about a medical condition. Some therapists are great at their job, and others are just fucking terrible and know less than nothing. Don't make the mistake of sticking with someone who sucks.

No. 49849

>>124696
as long as you're not some prick SJW who always plays the victim and use your ptsd as legitimate argument for anything, there's nothing to feel guilty about

No. 49850

>>124696
I go through periods without nightmares too. Often they still come back during stressful periods.

No. 49851

>>124607
i've been diagnosed with bpd and i do the same thing so you should probably talk to a psychiatrist

No. 49852

>>124699
But what if I will never get the nightmares again? How long do your periods last? Please respond, I'm so worried I got a false diagnose.
>>124698
I will never do that and I don't really care so much about the diagnose anymore, I'd rather not have any at all in fact. And yeah you're right even if I don't end up having it, it's not my fault I got falsely diagnosed.

No. 49853

>>124701
Often there can be 2 years in between them. Then I have a lot of nightmares for a few weeks to maybe 2 months, and then it gets quiet again.

No. 49854

I have a very bad attention spawn and can't concentrate on anything.Should I get medicated for this?Are there any ways I can improve my concentration?

No. 49855

File: 1472718139287.jpg (44.49 KB, 1280x720, a74ec993684436ca6391c667e2df17…)

I've been finding it harder and harder to leave my room because I'm afraid of people looking at me, even my own family. I'm not sure where it came from and thought it would just be a weird phase that would pass. But I irrationally start dreading the prospect that someone might look at/notice me for even just a moment (instead of looking past me or ignoring entirely) if I go out in public, even though I know it doesn't fucking matter.

No. 49856

>>124704
imo the best course of action is attempting to desensitize yourself to this via increasing exposure (in your case, to being around ppl). it's not fun at all but it works.

in fact it also works vice versa, the longer you stay away from people, the more intense your feelings of discomfort at being seen will become.

obviously working with an actual therapist would be best (I know everybody knows that) but it's still something you can attempt yourself.

I had CBT to deal with my own thoughts on why being seen was so awful, but the exposure is what helped the most.

No. 49857

My BDD is getting much worse. I just spent an hour trying to photoshop my student ID photo to look more 'human'.

I showed my mum to see if it still looked enough like the real me to be accepted and she just talked about how cute my eyes and nose were.
I spent forever straightening them.

I feel a bit sick now tbh

No. 49858

>>124706
Have you ever tripped anon? I used to have horrifying BDD (even pictures of myself were warped, never mind in the mirror) and I still have trouble seeing my own face as a 'real' face. But any time I've taken psychedelics and caught myself in the mirror, I'm shocked that not only do I look like a human, I'm actually quite pleasant looking. It's a crazy feeling. I think psychs must dissociate you just enough that you don't identify too much with your own image.

No. 49859

>>124706
I managed to photoshop my passport photo a few years ago. I regret it immensely.

No. 49860

>>124707
I haven't ever tripped but I'm not opposed to it at all. What did you take? (Shrooms/LSD?)

>>124708


Why do you regret it?
My ID photo gets refreshed every year so if i do hate it i cam update next time.

No. 49861

File: 1472951731026.png (343.31 KB, 665x473, 1280.png)

For years I have been "collecting" or however you want to describe it, all the things I want to use/wear/whatever when I am the person I want to be. I want to be thin, and smart, and funny, and deserve to use these things I've bought over the years. I have cute clothes, and shoes, and purses, and make up and perfumes and skin care, etc… that I don't use because it'd be a waste on someone as shit as me.

Any other anons do this or did and stopped? I just feel so incomplete and unhappy, and I thought doing this would inspire or motivate me to be better but it hasn't, I'm 25 now and as unworthy as when I started, only more so because I am too old to be like this.

No. 49862

Does anyone else have PTSD and body dysphoria? As of recent, I have been medically diagnosed with both as a result of years and years of childhood physical/emotional trauma, and adolescent sexual trauma. The body dysphoria more so came after I had to deal with the sexual and emotional abuse my ex-boyfriend put me through for the first two years of my adult life.

It's honestly hard having to everyday have my own mind trying to unlock repressed memories and replaying memories I wish I could delete. Even though I'm in therapy, have a supportive boyfriend, and I have things that distract me, I still wake up each day feeling worthless, empty and damaged.

No. 49863

>>124710
Start using what you can and try not to think of it as "gotta stop being a shit person", think of improvement instead. Or don't if you can't, but do use the stuff anyway.

I was like that all through my teenage years but when I turned twenty it was like a switch flipped and I got into this "it is now or never" mindset and said fuck it, let's try. I'm not exactly thin yet so the clothes I hoarded are still stored away but I'm getting there. My self esteem improved over time, I actually started eating better, taking my vitamins and exercising. Seriously, just give the stuff a try.

No. 49864

>>124710
Oh anon i know how you feel. I used to be overweight and very depressed and i used to buy stuff to "comfort" myself, like a bunch of clothes that ended up looking like shit because they were too big/small or makeup i didn't put on because i was not "enough". But like >>124712 said, one day my switch flipped, when i looked myself in the mirror and felt like crying, and when i realized that i was being stupid for thinking i wasn't worth the things i got and i realized that I was the one creating those problems for myself, i was the one making myself look like shit because i'd had given up on my life.
In the beggining i wanted to become pretty and happy and look lovely in girly clothes and become the best version of myself i could be, so i went all out, i decided i wanted to be pretty so i lost all my weight unhealthily to become perfect fast, realized i still wasn't what i though of myself and became more depressed, i was fucked i hated everything because i went fast, not good; i was not the best version of myself i was skinny yeah, but not happy nor comfortable in my body becaus i was too focused on being "perfect" for everything.
One day i started exercising and changing my diet, and kept at it because it was making me feel, calm? i guess, and that's where my switch flipped. That made me realize that i will never be perfect for everything that exists in this world, but i can be the best version of myself if i treat myself and my body with love and not hate. I was finally comfortable in my body, because i made it better, I imporved it, no one else. Start with small sessions of exercise like walking or doing some short youtube videos, maybe even dance even if it's only for 5 minutes, do it daily no matter how much your brain tells you it will not matter. Look at makeup tutorials and try the looks before you go to sleep/into the shower, makeup washes off so try multiple looks until you find one that makes you feel good, become familiarized with techiniques and tricks, go out one day with mascara and lip gloss, even if it's only to the grocery store down your house, then maybe add some blush and some eyeshadow! Put on cute clothes that fit but you wouldn't normally wear and look at youself in the mirror, don't immediately take them off, take photos of youself with them and search for what you like best about that outfit, you can incorporate it more into your daily wardrobe. Don't buy stuff that is too small or big for you, that'll make you feel worse, if you keep up you may need a smaller size in the future, so buy it then! it'll be like a reward or present for keeping at it and improving yourself! clothes do not have to be a punishment for not losing X amount of weight or not being X cm/inches. Slowly, you will realize that you may not be "perfect" to do these things or fit certain clothes/makeup styles, but you can do it, you can try them without it makng you feel hurt. It's cliché, but you can improve if you believe in yourself.

One thing that REALLY helped me was having internal dialogues with myself where everytime i had a negative though i'd reply in my head how i would reply a friend i.e. "this looks like shit on you, you can't pull this style off, why do you try this new makeup? THEY WILL LAUGH AT YOU" "well maybe i want to look like this and maybe i am comfortable in these clothes so fuck you brain i will go out like this and i will enjoy it because i like how this skirt looks on me" type of thing, it sounds crazy but it really worked with me. Treat your brain and thoughts as friends or family, you would not encourage bad thoughts on people you love, no? so same for your brain. Compliment out loud one thing you like about yourself everytime you look in the mirror, and don't imediately follow up "but X looks gross on me", it may feel awkward talking to yourself at first, but it will really help hearing yourself saying nice things about your feautures. Does your hair look terrible today? Well who cares, look at how beautiful your eyes look!

sorry if this sounded too arm-chair psychologist but i went throught that and i know how much it fucking sucks being at that place.

No. 49865

>>124712
>>124713
Wow, I really appreciate both of your advice. It is comforting to know other people did what I am doing, but snapped out of it. I've been trying today, I used all of my new skincare stuff that I've never used, and it felt really pampering. I might try and wear some of the make up when I got grocery shopping later today. I think the hardest thing for me is clothes, because I never feel good enough. I gained a lot of weight in my 20s from a variety of reasons, psych medicine, laziness, depression, etc. I was underweight as a teenager and when I look at my old pictures I feel so frustrated, because I thought I was too big, so I didn't do them then, either. I guess thinking about that helps me put it in perspective; it is all psychological, even if I did become the perfect me, I'd never recognize it I guess…

Thank you guys. I feel motivated to be nicer to myself.

No. 49866

Does anyone have any experience with PMDD? I hate to self diagnose, but anytime it's that time of the month for me I fall into a deep depression and lash out at my friends/family/coworkers for no reason…. It really sucks

No. 49867

>>124715
I was diagnosed with PMDD when I was 15 or 16 and went on Yaz. Now I'm just on regular birth control since Yaz was recalled.

No. 49868

>>124696
>>124701
tbqbh fam, guilt is also a symptom of post traumatic stress. wrt the night terrors, I used to get them quite frequently but as I've gone through more therapy (I think my psych has officially said my PTSD is in partial remission at this point) they generally have subsided, however like >>124699 said, when I'm stressed/my mental health has gone to shit they do surface. They also come back around significant dates related to my trauma. In terms of the trauma being at the forefront of my mind constantly, for the most part I don't really think about it spontaneously on a day to day basis - when I have a trigger I do, obviously, but I'm able to go about my life without being plagued by thoughts of it.


I can understand feeling nervous about it because of the connotations re: SJWs and "triggers" but, honestly, if it ever comes up in conversation with people, if they're nice, rational people, they'd understand that, y'know, you have an actual disorder, you're not just an SJW who's heard something they disagree with.

late to the party w/ this reply but oh well, I hope you see this anon, you've got nothing to feel guilty about!! <33

No. 49870

I think I'm going into a manic phase or something. I've been getting really really really irresponsible with money buying tons of shit and can't stop and just want to change everything about myself, change my hair, my make up, my weight, everything. I just want it all changed NOW. I hate this sense of 'urgency' ughh

No. 49871

>>124719
Are you actually diagnosed bipolar? You sound way too self-aware to be having a true manic episode. Would you say it's more important for you to learn to control your impulses, or uncover the reason why you feel such a desperate need to constantly change everything about yourself?

Either way, it sounds like a self-esteem problem. A lot of people have poor impulse control, but these things can be taught with the right motivation. Getting to the root of why you're never satisfied with your appearance might be a good start.

No. 49874

>>124722
You need to do therapy too. Pills are much more effective when you use them with therapy.

No. 49876

I just I don't know anymore, I don't want to bother my friend or my boyfriend but I keep being really really sad, I cannot help it.
I just came from my boyfriend's house and we had an awesome day he is so lovely and kind, when I gotta go home I just want to cry, I know I'm gonna to see him again the next week but I get really sad and start crying and thinking horrible things about myself, you know the usual: why he loves me, I'm pathetic, I wish I didn't met him so I can kill myself without make him suffer.
Today I started self harm again, I didn't do it since November of the last year, I feel even more terrible.
Sorry for any mistake, English is not my first language.

No. 49877

File: 1474054488475.jpg (58.54 KB, 497x854, 22e9cc7d5d7a559435807f5578941d…)

Do all antidepressants make you lazy as fuck? I only tried seroquel and effexor xr for one day and couldn't continue because I have a job and shit to do.

I just laid on the couch all day feeling satisfied with myself and could barely force myself to get up and eat when starving (with effexor).

I normally am pic related.

No. 49878

>>124726
Had this problem, effexor also made it so I couldn't get turned on either. Doc switched me to something slightly more energizing which seemed to work. Talk to your doc, because there's a shitton of antidepressants you can try since everyone reacts differently.

No. 49879

>>124726
Seroquel is an antipsychotic, not an antidepressant, it can make you very passive and apathetic.

No. 49880

>>124728
My doctor prescribed me it for anxiety and depression but I don't think he's very good tbh.

>>124727

Hmmm I'll keep trying then. I was thinking of giving up because both of those sucked and what happened to Charms.

No. 49881

>>124729
I'm not trying to scare you anon but I was put on seroquel for my depression and it fucked me up bad. I decided one day to just stop taking it (money reasons among others) and long story short, I ended up trying to kill myself because I just… lost it.

I HATE the off-label use of it. If you don't think you have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia get him to change you NOW but don't go off it by yourself suddenly. Please.

No. 49882

>>124729
Yeah well if you have depression, you're supposed to be on an anti-depressant, not an anti-psychotic. It's dangerous to actually use medication that isn't meant for you.
Anti-depressives are dangerous for those who aren't really depressed, and anti-psychotics are dangerous for those who aren't sensitive to psychosis.

Seroquel did wonders for me and doesn't make me apathetic or passive, it actually allows me to actually live my life. But that's because I'm not depressed, but psychotic. I react horribly to anti-depressants.

No. 49883

File: 1474238366589.gif (392.9 KB, 640x360, eJwNycsNwyAMANBdGADzMRiyDSKUIC…)

>>124724
Don't give up just yet, anon. Give it a week at least and see if the side effects subside. Generally you won't be able to tell if it's working until you've been on the medication consistently for about 6 weeks.

>>124731

>Yeah well if you have depression, you're supposed to be on an anti-depressant, not an anti-psychotic. It's dangerous to actually use medication that isn't meant for you.

Anon's taking an anti-depressant (venlafaxine/effexor) alongside the quetiapine/seroquel. Considering the physician prescribed the seroquel alongside the effexor then, y'know, it's meant for them. It's fairly common practice to augment antidepressants with atypical anti-psychotics in cases where there's a degree of treatment resistance. It isn't dangerous.


>>124726

>>124728
I'm going to assume you took both of them in the morning, right? Seroquel (like most anti-psychs) has a sedative effect, did your doc tell you to take it in the evening by any chance? Effexor is meant to perk you up a little (it had a paradoxical effect on me and made me a bit drowsy), so try taking that in the morning, and the seroquel in the evening, perhaps.


>>124729

Like I said to the other anon, don't give up just yet. Finding the correct medication is a hard fucking slog (I've tried four or five different medications over the past year or so, so I know that feel), but you need to just hold on and wait it out to see if it's working. If you give up after just a few days it's both a waste of your time and money tbh fam.

>>124730

>I'm not trying to scare you anon but I was put on seroquel for my depression and it fucked me up bad
>I decided one day to just stop taking it

Drugs react differently for every individual, but you also went against the first cardinal rule of psych meds - abruptly stopping them. Most people will go round the bend if they just dropped their meds, regardless of what they were taking. Like, shit fam, my psychiatrist titrated me off effexor too quickly and I ended up in the psych ward for a good week because I went mental. That's doesn't necessarily mean the medication is inherently bad.



Medications, anti-depressants especially, aren't some magic 'take em once and you're all better!' kind of pill. This shit takes time, and lots of fine tuning. Meds are also not a cure-all. Their purpose is to stabilise (even out your highs/lows, bring you up, whatever), so things like talk therapy and CBT/DBT, etc., are more effective because you're less clouded by the symptoms, and more capable of taking the stuff you're learning on board. I know it sucks, and just existing is exhausting, let alone actually trying to function, but hold on my dudes, we'll all get there in the end. And for the love of fuck don't just abruptly stop taking your meds! Talk to your doctor and slowly taper off them!

No. 49884

File: 1474238542990.jpeg (49.97 KB, 500x379, 1457143382691.jpeg)

>>124732
*That doesn't necessarily mean
Fuck me dead I need to learn how to proof-read

No. 49885

>>124732
I'm >>124730 and not trying to say seroquel as a med for its intended audience is bad by any means, just that its off label use can be dangerous. Yeah it was ultimately my fault for abruptly stopping taking the medicine, but my thought processes were kinda screwed up already and then it snow balled from there. But AstraZeneca did some fucked up things that has led to people getting put on it for no good reason and sometimes hurt for nothing other than $$$$, and I guess I think of myself as someone who got caught up in that. I guess my case was a little different in that I was put on it by itself, with no anti-depressant like anon was, when I am not psychotic at all.

The icing on the cake was after my suicide attempt they tried to say that was proof of me being psychotic. Guess I'm just still salty, sorry.

No. 49886

>>124732
>Anon's taking an anti-depressant (venlafaxine/effexor) alongside the quetiapine/seroquel.
If you're talking about me I was prescribed seroquel first, complained about it making me lazy and hungry all the time and then he prescribed Pristiq but since it wasn't covered my my insurance I went back and he gave me Effexor XR

>you took both of them in the morning

Nope. Both at night.

>If you give up after just a few days it's both a waste of your time and money tbh fam

I actually only took it for one day. I know it's pretty stupid but I need to be able to function. When I tried the Effexor it fucked me up so bad that day I had to turn down an overtime shift at work (basically lost $1000).

But I only get antidepressants when I'm there for other stuff plus they are 100% free covered by my insurance or I ask for a new one.

No. 49887

I have bipolar II and ptsd. Every medication I have tried has caused me to experience a range of negative side effects that stopped me from functioning almost even at a minimal level. It's a fact that my body is weak and I have to be very careful about what I put into it. Even the smallest short-term stress relievers catch up to me very quickly, in a bad way. I don't have much of a support system and the people I am close to often ask me for support, but I really don't think I'm the right person to give it. I have been very depressed since July and I am exhausted. Every time it happens it somehow feels worse than the last time, but I feel really inadequate knowing that truthfully I have been dealing with this for my entire life but I haven't improved. I'm afraid to make things happen for myself. The biggest thing that keeps me from An Hero-ing is the fact that I would never get to know how things could have gone, I only have one chance, blah blah blah.

No. 49888

>>124732
I know that physicians sometimes prescribe atypical antipsychotics alongside antidepressants. But physicians aren't always right and can prescribe the wrong medication for someone, and that IS dangerous. The brain is quite delicate, and while atypical anti-psychotics indeed affect serotonin, it also affects dopamine, and if your dopamine levels are fine, you shouldn't screw with them. It can be dangerous, since people do have adverse reactions to it. Physicians aren't always right, they also misdiagnose people, they can prescribe the wrong medication, and unnecessarily prescribing antipsychotics isn't a good idea in general, because of the physical side-effects.

No. 49889

i don't know what's wrong with me.

90% of the time my mood is severely low. i am depressed to the point that i can't function and i am really suicidal and i self harm a lot. i am extremely paranoid and scared all the time and cannot cope with being alone and i have really intense, paranoid delusions that sometimes get to the point that i can't even walk downstairs to the kitchen or go for a shower or answer my front door because i think someone is going to hurt me if i do. and when i don't feel scared that someone is going to hurt me, i've still got myself left to worry about. my anxiety is always so high and i am constantly worrying over people thinking badly of me and that really affects my relationship with my boyfriend because i convince myself that he hates me. i constantly feel guilty and horrible and that i am a strain on others and i just plain constantly think about suicide. i don't eat for days at a time and when i do i feel guilty for it and worried that i'm going to gain more weight and hate myself even more. then the other 10% of the time i feel fucking unstoppable, i feel like i can do anything and that everything is golden and i take on so much but it isn't in a good way. it's intense and scary and it's too good and i constantly feel incredibly jittery and disorientated. it's like i'm drunk or something i don't know to describe it, i act like a hyperactive child and i always want to talk to anyone and plan things and go out and i just get so weird and i also spend obscene amounts of money on things that i don't need that will fit exactly how i feel at that moment (for example, clothes of a specific stereotype that i've suddenly decided i fit, dvds/cds/items etc of something that i'm suddenly obssessed with. like a while ago i suddenly decided i was OBSESSED with collecting "video nasties" and i bought like 5 of them and i haven't even watched any yet) and then suddenly my mood will just plummet and i'm left to deal with all the ridiculous, impulsive shit i've done and i go back to feeling like i want to die in seconds.

i don't know what to do i can't speak to people and i just push them away and shut them down like a horrible bitch if they ever try to speak to me and the nhs (i live in UK) is fucking useless for this kind of thing and it'd either just be a bunch of medication shoved down my throat or it would be months on a waiting list for therapy with weeks in between appointments and i can't afford private counselling.

i also haven't seen my boyfriend in like a week and i've used the time to absolutely shred my legs to pieces and now i'm putting off seeing him so he won't notice. which is another thing that bothers me, when he does notice he doesn't give a fuck.

tl;dr i'm fucked in the head and will probs just kill myself soon

No. 49890

>>124738
This may sound silly but I hope it will help. Try to add about 20 minutes of getting your heart rate up a day and eating more healthy fats (fish oils, eggs, olive oil, coconut oil, flax seed) and proteins daily, and have a sleep schedule you stick to every single day.

It sounds like a lot of your issues might stem from not having these basic staples. I used to think and feel very similar for over a decade until I got those basics under control. If I ever start slacking, those feelings come back. I hope you will consider it because it can make a huge difference.

No. 49891

File: 1475459523000.png (42.9 KB, 797x425, fungal bacterial depression.PN…)

>>124739
that actually reminded me of this.

No. 49892

>>124740
This is some crazy shit. Is any of this true? And if so what are some good sources

No. 49893

>>124738
You sound classic bipolar to me, but i am no doctor. Seek help, friend!

No. 49894

Has anyone reading helped themselves (mostly) get over a mental health issue?

Incoming blogpost if that is okay, if not I am really sorry and will delete if requested:

I am not sure what caused it, whether it was being bullied at a young age, being molested repeatedly by a (female) friend in middle school, getting cheated on, or having some shitty relationships (friends and romantic) over the years, but I am a social and emotional mess. I was diagnosed with depression for the second time in my life recently, but I am not sure it ever truly went away after seeing the first therapist over a decade ago. I have had anxiety as long as I can remember and fear a lot of social situations, yet I crave human interaction. I had a terrible eating disorder as a teen and I feel it is coming back since I feel so out of control with everything else in my life. When I do things with friends, more often than not I feel less happy after, but then I feel like I am wasting my life away if I don't do anything with people which makes me freak out a lot.

I am so fucking sensitive. So much bothers me. I obsess over how I say things and how people treat me, unwillingly reading into every little thing. I get angry a lot and take it out in unhealthy ways because I have really shit luck and get wronged a lot in situations I can't do anything about except just forget it. I try to hide it and seem as normal as possible but inside I am a mess. I have horrible self esteem so I did that doormat thing in a lot of friendships over the years. As I got older I started to knock it off, but the other day I found out just how little I mean to my friends… and it crushed the last bit of hope I had after a particularly shitty series of events this year. The only reason I am living is because I don't want to hurt my parents or boyfriend. If they weren't in my life, I would have killed myself long ago.

I am currently on medicaid which has awful resources for therapy: you have to show up when a free clinic opens, get on a wait list for the day, then have an evaluation to determine if I need help more than everyone else that day. Almost every time I have gone, there wasn't enough time to see me despite getting there super early, wasting hours so far. The two times I did get the evaluation, other people were more important to see so I never got any follow up appointments.

I don't have enough money to pay out of pocket for therapy. My mental issues are fucking me up so much and really ruining my life, I never thought at this age I would be feeling like this. I don't want to diagnose myself but after trying to learn more about myself, BDD seems so fucking fitting. I currently don't have a job and am living off my savings. I am trying to go back to school while finding another job but every day I just don't want to wake up or do anything. Nothing makes me happy. If I smile, I feel nothing.

I try reading self help books and interacting on forums, but I feel like it makes little difference on my crazy brain. I have so little energy nowadays that I feel like this is a never ending uphill battle. I feel like I can see what would make me feel better… having a few GOOD friendships and a sense of purpose. But I struggle so much with closing the gap that keeps me from those things. I am so fucked socially and get stupidly hurt so much in friendships, my brain shuts down and wants me to hide and stop giving any of myself to others since I have been hurt so much. As for a sense of purpose, I am trying to throw myself into a field that would make a small difference and just live out a hollow experience for the rest of my life with my boyfriend and pets. It just sucks because I feel nothing for it.

I just… fuck. My mind is so cloudy now and has been for years. I've been on a few meds for depression before which did nothing for me so I feel like my issues are purely based on my situation. I feel like I would do so much better if I just had those two things, some good friends and some sense of purpose with creating something, but I am struggling so much to achieve them. I am also super self critical.

Does anyone else out there have any success with fixing themselves? Because I feel like at this point, that's my only option to actually get through the rest of my life that's left.

No. 49895

>>124741
It's bullshit, this is the kind of thing that leads people to trying Black Salve

No. 49896

>tfw no personality disorder bestie
can friendships between two crazies really work out? on one hand it seems like a recipe for disaster, but on the other, im dying for a friend to talk to who kind of… understands, and isn't going to start getting super concerned or uncomfortable by erratic behavior/emotions. It would be so awesome to just be able to talk frankly and openly with someone like that, especially someone who can relate.

No. 49897

>>124743
Do you have an email? I started typing up my story but I second-guessed on posting it, partly because I know a few people who post here and I don't feel like getting a message from them going "hey anon is this you?" and then feel forced to talk about this with them again.

You can make an anon/throwaway on http://cock.li if you don't have one already.

No. 49898

>>124743
I've mostly overcome my mental health issues, and they were really fucking bad. Over a dozen hospitalizations, a years out of school, doctors telling my parents to start planning my funeral, etc. Nasty stuff. Now I'm almost all better, I have a great job, a clear sense of purpose, healthy relationships, and my self-esteem is so much better! My first diagnoses was anorexia and to this day I struggle with that and OCD, but tbh they can be assets as long as I don't let things get out of control. (I'm aware this thinking isn't the healthiest, which is why I said I'm mostly better lol)
So how did I overcome depression? The first step was doing something, ANYTHING to get out of the house. Isolating myself at home and not going to work or school was making things way worse. All I could do was sit at home and think about how miserable I was. Volunteering is a good way to get out of the house and feel good about yourself by making positive contributions. It's also a good way to make friends. You could work with animals, kids, art, or avoid people entirely and do a nature clean up sort of thing.
That will help at first, but you are going to need more of a sense of purpose than that. Start by identifying your dreams. What is your dream career? Where do you want to live? Then start identifying the small steps you need to get there. Going back to school is probably essential to all of this. A good way to start is by signing up for a few classes you are interested in. Nothing too rigorous, maybe just an art/humanities class and one on self improvement or health. Talk to your classmates, maybe you have something in common with someone and you can make a friend. You could also go to clubs on campus and meet people that way.
The most important thing to remember through all of this is you are in control of your own happiness. Yes, depression is a bitch that will come in unexpectedly and smack you upside the head. But you can control it. You can say, "Yeah, I feel like shit but I'm going to do something anyway." Empower yourself! Stand up to that monster that is mental illness. When it says, "You are a horrible person, no one loves you, you should be dead, etc." say "What the fuck? I'm NOT a horrible person, I'm just a human who has made a few mistakes. People DO love me, my family and boyfriend would be devastated without me! I don't deserve to die, I deserve a wonderful life!" You won't believe it at first, but I guarantee calling out those intrusive thoughts will make a difference down the road. Those thoughts aren't you, they are symptoms of a disease and you should not accept them or let them define your self-worth.

tl;dr: You already know what you need, some good friends and some sense of purpose. Volunteering and going back to school will help you with both of those goals, and getting out of the house makes a huge difference in depression. Questioning your thoughts will help improve your self esteem and empower you to get better. You are strong, you are a fighter, you can overcome this! You might not believe it at first, but if you continually repeat something to yourself you will eventually believe it. After all, wasn't continually repeating self-depricating thoughts what got you into this mess in the first place?

No. 49899

>>124743
Some bits of this remind me of problems I've had in the past and (mostly) cope with today.
I'm from the UK so I was able to get assessed, put on meds and through to therapy.
The therapy I was put into was actually a free online course of CBT. There is livinglifetothefull.com and https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

These coupled with the advice >>124747 gave(said it all better than I could honestly) sorting out an aim and sense of self and you'll find step by step everything will be smoother.


The friend group I had just before I was diagnosed I lost entirely, they weren't good friends and once I was getting better I could see that and made new much better friends. I made new friends joining some club at my university. Sure sometimes bad people showed up but I was much more sure of myself and knew better to not let them take up time in my mind.

No. 49900

>>124746
You are so sweet anon, thank you. I'm sorry to hear you are worried about posting what you had here but I totally understand and would love to talk. Left my email, I really look forward to hearing from you.

No. 49901

>>124747
Wow, that's amazing! I am really happy for you that you are feeling so much better and doing so well! This is also very inspiring to read, it's amazing how you pulled yourself up like that and overcame so many struggles. Those are all really good questions too, I will try to outline some more clear goals than the general ones I have. How you described your way of thinking and how to question yourself seems like a really good reminder when things are really down, I need to get to that place where I do it automatically, and this advice gave me some really good clarity. I agree, isolating myself and dwelling in everything that happened is making everything worse, but it kept getting more and more difficult to stop.

Thank you so much, really, I feel like this will really help me.

>>124748

You are so kind, thank you so much for showing me those options. I will look into them right away. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better and feel more sure of yourself now and are more in tune with what you want in your life. Thank you for replying~

No. 49902

>>124212
Is it just me noticing this, or does any mental illness discussion bring out a lot of people who seem to be seriously exagerating their issues? Even ignoring self diagnosis, which is fucking retarded on its own, it seems to me like there's a lot of people who feel the need to try to make themselves sound more serious than anyone else in the thread is for whatever reason.

Like, not quoting posts, but the average person with mental illness in this thread is claiming shit that's more severe than most people in a psych inpatient ward.

Why would anyone want to sound worse than they really are?

No. 49903

I need help anons. I know no one can diagnose me but I just want to know if anyone has similar issues or knows what this is called so I can have an easier time when I go to a psychiatrist.


Physically, I'm not very pretty in my face. Big crooked nose, giant forehead (it was ok before, but had hair loss due to stress and look balding in parts now), and underdeveloped chin. I know that anxiety can make you be harder on yourself than normal but I do just happen to have these sorts of "generically" unattractive features. I'm not super hideous or deformed but I'm not very "traditionally pretty". The positive is that my body is good and I take good care of my hair and skin.

The way I look really plays into my anxiety. Being "ugly" gives me extra anxiety. Before I really paid attention to my looks I already had anxiety about going outside. Going outside gives me so much anxiety. Things like standing in life for food, walking to class, or even just sitting in class are an absolute nightmare. I feel so much anxiety even sitting in a public place! I honestly don't understand HOW I feel embarrassed and anxiety just walking somewhere (honestly it doesn't make sense to me at all but I do). Right now I feel as if I'm getting worse again (it waxes and wanes, the public anxiety and fear). I've tried reasoning with myself logically, I know logically I shouldn't have anxiety being outside in class etc but this doesn't help my brain.

I've had weeks where I would only go out to get food every few days and then would lock myself up for as long as I could (until I could no longer stay hungry, I would sleep if was really hungry so I wouldn't have to go out or just spend my few dollars on ordering food in).

Now, all of that is not including the way I look. Once in a while my "look" plays into my anxiety (don't want anyone to see me being ugly) but this is not the sole or main cause of my anxiety.

Sometimes I also have anxiety about other people and their intentions. With women, I don't really feel too "scared" of them (if anything I can be a bit weird since I get excited about making friends especially with girls so I may be too forward idk but not creepy or in a sexual way). I do get irrational fears about men sometimes. I don't think most men are bad, evil, dangerous logically at all, I can recognize fears being illogical and not very seated in reality but it does not stop the anxiety. Sometimes when a man wants to invite me to his house I feel an intense fear of the things he "might" do to me (rape me, beat me, hurt me, kill me, torture me etc very graphic and frightening images in my head). Same thing when being invited in a car by a man etc. I grew up hearing that men were going to torture and rape me etc (and even as I child I knew this was wrong) which may play into it. Most of my friends happen to be male so it has not stopped me from making ANY friends but it has limited a lot of things for me. I was also raped and sexually abused by a man a dated which has given me some "night" and running anxiety, for example when I go running or am out at night I suddenly feel like I can't breathe, like I'm being chased, like I have to run away, and suddenly it stops.

Another weird thing I have is that I suddenly out of nowhere get these burts of "excitement" that can either be of fear or happiness. Suddenly I feel extremely scared out of nowhere, my hear races and I run to my room or something, or I am super excited randomly about something that I want to jump and scream. Both these things go away almost immideiatly but my heart stays racing for a bit after. I have not been able to find any info on what this may be online so I'm really hoping someone can give me some insight.

When my anxiety is low and I feel ok being outside (rarely now) I have no problems going to class, I don't mind talking to people even strangers, I can hold normal and not awkward conversations etc.

I just need help with my anxiety. Every doctor I go to tries to give me prozac or something like that or seroquel and it does NOTHING for me. No one seems to help this horrible anxiety that makes me want to stay indoors all the time. I don't even know what would be the name for what I have, even having the "name" of some of the symptoms I have would make me feel a bit better. I do wan't to see a new psychiatrist again soon but I'd like maybe someone to help me identify names of symptoms or feelings so I can tell them, I feel like I don't explain right. Thank you for reading

No. 49904

>>124751
Devil's advocate, but people who are doing well aren't going to post on threads like these. I have the average problems myself that I'm always struggling with but compared to people in this thread who can't even function or bring themselves to work, posting about my stuff here doesn't make sense.

That said, I do think this recent push on "self care" has lead to a bunch of pansies when it comes to mild or mid tier mental illness. Depression is a bitch but giving up your job to take bubble baths any blog about being sad isn't helpful, a steady routine and manageable yet increasing goals are. Leave that stuff for actual breakdowns.

No. 49905

>>124753
Sure, and you're right to some degree, but almost every post in this thread is people acting like they have cases so severe that they absolutely should be institutionalised.

I think that like you said, people do have legit illnesses, but everyone's pushed to be able to play the victim almost, and if they claim that they're so, so bad, they get a bit more attention.

As I said, I'm ignoring all the armchair psychologists with no idea what they're talking about and the people who're obviously just making it all up, but there's a lot of people posting kind of dramatized versions of the illnesses, and it makes no sense to me why anyone would want to.

No. 49906

>>124754

You are extremely ignorant about mental health and mental health care.

>every post in this thread is people acting like they have cases so severe that they absolutely should be institutionalized

>people acting like
>acting

>there's a lot of people posting kind of dramatized versions of the illnesses

>dramatized

How could you (or anyone in this this thread really) decide that someone is "acting" or "dramatizing" their illness in this thread (or in life even)?

Do you really think that mental illness is rare? or something that never happens beyond some mild anxiety or something?

It's not really talked about much IRL, especially not about anything above like light social anxiety. Even depression is just starting to really get attention in the media/popular culture.

You also seem to think that someone who has a moderate-severe mental illness is going to easily get put into a mental health facility long term or "institutionalized". Compared to back in the day, we don't lock the crazies and throw away the key anymore really (not in 1st world countries at least, in my shitty country of origin we do sadly sometimes).

It's not easy to be institutionalized or be put in long term care. You have to be literally pants shitting autistic or a severe schizophrenic. The only people I've seen stay long term at a hospital are of this sort or just so poor and low income that they have to stay there to get any medical attention.

In certain places they will "hospitalize" if your doctor thinks you are are going to hurt yourself or someone else but they only really hold you for a few days.

Not only that, if you are not very low income the inpatient care is ridiculously expensive and most will not opt to go in even if maybe they should. I'm middle class and got "forced" (I went willingly though)to go into inpatient for two weeks and got billed 20K. My insurance paid for some but the bill left was 12K. Usually these places will charge you 1K+ per day, and the service is often horrible. The best place I went to charged me like 2K+ a day but I went to a cheaper option once (a hospital that boasted being one of the best in the state! hah!) and they mistreat you so badly. Often going there just makes you feel worse, the doctors and nurses are apathetic at best (and can even be cruel sadly, disgusting people) and some of the patients are scary and violent. I also went for two weeks to another facility voluntarily to stabilize on meds but after that I left. This may not be very common for most people though.


I'd also like to add that maybe people feel scared to talk about these things to get help, it can be embarrassing and often times your issues prevent you from talking about them. When my delusions were at their worst, I was sure the TV was talking to me and that everyone was plotting for me to kill myself. You think I told my doctor (who was possibly in the conspiracy, at least in my head he was) this? hell no. I think I should have been hospitalized then, but only did I receive real help many years down the line.


TLDR;

I'm sure many people here -have- been hospitalized, often times it may be hard to receive real care to due fear and also costs, you can't decide when someone is "making it all up" (and if anything, that's so horrible and makes people scared to talk as well. I'm sure if people knew me IRL knew about my delusions they might think that because I'm not violent or like running around the street naked, you don't have to look/be a certain way to be mentally ill, and institutionalization in general is not at all how you envision it.

No. 49907

>>124755
Kek, strike a nerve did I?

>Do you really think that mental illness is rare


Severe mental illness is, and there's a lot of people who "TO ME" feel like they're playing up their symptoms, because they really only exist in the most severe cases, who aren't capable of caring for themselves, and do end up in long term care.

Seriously, are you retarded? Psych units exist in every first world country, as does accommodation with care for people who can't look after themselves long term.

If you're psychotic, or otherwise deemed to be a risk to yourself (either directly, or via a complete inability to look after yourself or maintain basic hygiene) or others, you can be involuntarily committed to a psych unit.

And I don't care about your sob story really, I was just making a point that it's strange to me how people in these threads tend to present themselves as worse off than people I've met in inpatient units. I wasn't pointing fingers for a reason, because it's retarded to make accusations that I obviously can't back up.

And yes, I realise what being in a psych unit is like, I wouldn't make comments about it if I didn't have any experience with it.

Seriously, if that upsets you that much, it seems to me like you could be the sort of person I'm talking about, especially seeing as how you added a whole extra bit about how terrible your symptoms were at the end, even if it wasn't relevant.

No. 49908

File: 1476198563168.jpg (60.31 KB, 750x556, 1453660656974.jpg)

>>124756
I guess your postgrad in psychiatry is helping you a lot.

No. 49909

>>124757
Well, it's good you've calmed down at least anon, it's not healthy to get so worked up over random posts on the internet.

No. 49910

>>124758
I am not that anon, I just think you are an entitled little bitch who pretends to know everything about everyone.

No. 49911

>>124756

>Severe mental illness is, and there's a lot of people who "TO ME" feel like they're playing up their symptoms, because they really only exist in the most severe cases, who aren't capable of caring for themselves, and do end up in long term care.


The point I was trying to make is that having "bad" depression or anxiety or any other health issues isn't going to necessarily get you in long term care (unless like I said you are like so not functioning that you are a constant threat to yourself/others or shitting yourself).

Most people who may even benefit from inpatient care don't get it at all anyways,which is something else I was trying to say.

>seriously, are you retarded? Psych units exist in every first world country


Of course they do, that's what I said. I was saying that the whole long term inpatient care is really only a thing if you are beyond extreme or just poor as fuck.

>If you're psychotic, or otherwise deemed to be a risk to yourself (either directly, or via a complete inability to look after yourself or maintain basic hygiene) or others, you can be involuntarily committed to a psych unit.


Duh. I said that.


>present themselves as worse off than people I've met in inpatient units


Most of the people that I've seen in inpatient units that are very far gone are just pretty much non verbal or loony enough that you can't really talk to them at all. Most of everyone else though just comes off as "normal" people with issues, many of which you don't notice when you first meet them. Obviously something is off since they are there, but for the most part it's not like you'd look at them and think "crazy". Anyways I do think it's easier to share stuff online (especially about mental illness since it can be shameful for some) so maybe that is why we see more "intense" cases vs what you or me see in people normally (since they may not show right away or even share with us). That being said, sure maybe some people lie or exaggerate just like with anything.

>especially seeing as how you added a whole extra bit about how terrible your symptoms were at the end


I added like a sentence at most lol. It was relevant, because I bet you think even symptoms like those are "rare" when they are not, and I am not an "extreme" case of mental illness in any way and "function" pretty well although I've had issues. I'm sure most of us aren't non verbal,noticeable "crazy", throwing shit at each other.

>your sob story really


huh? what sob story? saying I've been inpatient? I'm not sure how you think that is a sobs story or irrelevant in a mental health thread.


I'm just passionate about mental health anon :)

No. 49912

>>124756
err sorry did not explain myself well on this part

> feel like they're playing up their symptoms, because they really only exist in the most severe cases,


What I was trying to say is that they don't only exist in the most severe cases of people who "end up in long term care".

ESL anon trying my best over here :^)

No. 49913

>>124759
Yeah, I'm sure you're not. And seriously, the fact you're getting so head up over me asking if it seemed that way to anyone else or just me says you're evidently a bit touchy about the topic.

I wasn't accusing anyone on purpose, and even if I was, this isn't some retarded Tumblr safe space where no-one's allowed to question things because it might trigger someone.

>>124760

>The point I was trying to make is that having "bad" depression or anxiety or any other health issues isn't going to necessarily get you in long term care

Good thing I didn't say that then.

>Of course they do, that's what I said. I was saying that the whole long term inpatient care is really only a thing if you are beyond extreme or just poor as fuck.


Yes, and my point is that there's a lot of people who're claiming to be at that extreme state in this thread.

>Duh. I said that.


You didn't, you said
>In certain places they will "hospitalize" if your doctor thinks you are are going to hurt yourself or someone else but they only really hold you for a few days.

>Most of everyone else though just comes off as "normal" people with issues, many of which you don't notice when you first meet them. Obviously something is off since they are there, but for the most part it's not like you'd look at them and think "crazy".


Most of the time, I agree completely. People are just overall very quiet. But when people come in, you see them at their worst one way or another, or you do while they're in there stabilising.

>That being said, sure maybe some people lie or exaggerate just like with anything.


And that's literally all I was asking, if it seemed like there was a lot of people who exaggerate issues relating to this stuff, because I personally don't understand why anyone would want to come off as worse than they are.

>It was relevant, because I bet you think even symptoms like those are "rare" when they are not


Having any psychotic features at points in your life is something that less than 1% of people have, let alone severe chronic psychotic illnesses, which yes, are really rare.

>>124761

Well, as I've said, I'm not going to give specific examples, because that's retarded to do, start pointing fingers, so it's kind of an impossible point to discuss.

For example though, because I think this is vague enough, think about when someone claims they're constantly suicidal. If you're constantly suicidal, you're very clearly extremely unwell, because thoughts and intent towards death are almost always on your mind. This would be very crippling, and would obviously result in hospitalisation. I'm sure you can agree with that much, right? Not just regular thoughts, but constant thoughts.

Yet, you see people claim that sort of stuff online all the time.

That was my entire point. I was asking if it seemed to anyone else like discussion of mental illness on any sort of forum seemed to bring out a lot of those people, or if that was just me.

No. 49914

>>124762
Shut the fuck up already. You sound like a little twat.

No. 49915

>>124762

I'm only
>>124761
>>124760
>>124755

>And seriously, the fact you're getting so head up over me asking if it seemed that way to anyone else or just me says you're evidently a bit touchy about the topic


Yeah, so? I do feel strongly about this topic. It's not like I'm crying over this or having a PaNiC AttAck (lol) but ofc I do like to state my opinion. If if comes off really weird in terms of writing it's probably because I'm ESL.

>Good thing I didn't say that then.


Sorry I did not explain myself well. What I was trying to say is even if you are having a bad mental health issues doesn't mean you will be put in long term care (I.E long term to me means months or years in inpatient care).

>Yes, and my point is that there's a lot of people who're claiming to be at that extreme state in this thread.


Ok. I did not read through this whole thread but I can believe that.

>You didn't, you said ""hospitalize" if your doctor thinks you are are going to hurt yourself or someone else "


What I meant is you can be put in involuntary care for short period of time. I think you also said this albeit more fancy than me haha.

> People are just overall very quiet. But when people come in, you see them at their worst one way or another, or you do while they're in there stabilising


Yeah, I agree I was just trying to explain you can't really tell right away how loopy someone in. In my experience most people seem more "normal" at first but as the days go on they stop either pretending or just let loose more. But if I was just outside and saw them they would look "normal" and I couldn't say how severe or not severe they are.

>chronic psychotic illnesses


Yeah, chronic psychotic illness may be rare but I was just trying to explain in general that a 'severe mental illness' happens at a rate bigger than we may think. I think around 5% of people in the US are estimated to have a "severe" mental health illness and I'm sure many more fall on the moderate scale.

I used my example because I thought it would fall at least on the moderate scale and I'm not in long term care not was I when this was going on. Sorry if this was not clear.

>For example though


Yes I understand and I agree. I can see someone like this getting "involuntarily" detained for a few days usually thought although like I said, they might benefit from longer care.


>you see people claim that sort of stuff online all the time


I think its a combination of factors:

> easier to talk about, no shame

> wanting to get support from others with same illness or issue
> people who are online a lot may be lonelier or have issues already (hence maybe why they are online so much) so we may see "more" people with these issues vs in normal sample in population. I feel like this is even more true for image board people.
> some may lie too. TBH I don't blame people for lying a bit because maybe they want to feel like they are not "extreme" enough for people to take them serious etc but I don't think it's right. I understand but not encourage. I do try to trust everyone on this mental illness stuff though because I know it may be hard to talk about in general (unless there are many signs that they are fabricating or lying) .

No. 49916

>>124763
Why even bother posting if you're just going to act all upset about it? As I said, this isn't Tumblr, there's no safe spaces or whatever the fuck, if you want that, go there.

>>124764

>If if comes off really weird in terms of writing it's probably because I'm ESL.

It's a combination of that and me simply assuming you were samefagging and were the other triggered anon. Apologies.

>What I was trying to say is even if you are having a bad mental health issues doesn't mean you will be put in long term care (I.E long term to me means months or years in inpatient care).


And you're right, I didn't ever mean that, because really long term like that is honestly usually dementia cases or other sorts of debilitations, there's less mental illness that needs to be in a psych unit for that long. Long term in a psych unit to me means like, a month or two.

>Ok. I did not read through this whole thread but I can believe that.


Which is why I mentioned it seeming kind of off to me, that people would be that extreme and not currently in crisis, not to mention able to word it really calmly and well.

Even in the vent threads on /b/ you see people who're in crisis over other things, and it's not like a calm discussion of how much stuff sucks, there's a lot of emotion. When people are just calmly discussing how they're these extreme cases that are happening right now, it seems off to me.

>What I meant is you can be put in involuntary care for short period of time.


Yeah, I think that was just a wording issue, we agree here. My country even has special in between wards you go to between ER and a longer term psych unit to see what's appropriate for you.

>Yeah, I agree I was just trying to explain you can't really tell right away how loopy someone in. In my experience most people seem more "normal" at first but as the days go on they stop either pretending or just let loose more. But if I was just outside and saw them they would look "normal" and I couldn't say how severe or not severe they are.


You're right, but I was just talking about the symptoms, not presentation. Most of the time really unwell people just present as quiet, but you see through it over time, and they do get distressed and it shows. And obviously patients talk about each other to some degree.

>I think around 5% of people in the US are estimated to have a "severe" mental health illness and I'm sure many more fall on the moderate scale.


I haven't heard this data, but I'd be interested in how they measured it. Most mental illnesses don't really have like a set "Severe, moderate, mild" specifier like MDD does. And even then, if we just mean depression, is just one severe episode enough to be classified as having a severe illness?

I'm curious how they decided that.

> people who are online a lot may be lonelier or have issues already (hence maybe why they are online so much) so we may see "more" people with these issues vs in normal sample in population. I feel like this is even more true for image board people.


I'm sure this is a factor, and it's why I don't really ever assume people are flat out lying about having illnesses unless like you said it's really obvious (like people claiming to be aware of active delusions or something), but I'd imagine most people who're that extremely bad off probably wouldn't really feel like there was much point posting.

> some may lie too. TBH I don't blame people for lying a bit because maybe they want to feel like they are not "extreme" enough for people to take them serious etc but I don't think it's right. I understand but not encourage. I do try to trust everyone on this mental illness stuff though because I know it may be hard to talk about in general (unless there are many signs that they are fabricating or lying) .


This is actually what I was asking for, I was curious if anyone could figure why. But even with that extremeness thing, I can understand that with a doctor, like, if you've been passed over and don't want to be this time so exaggerate a bit, I'd understand that. Once again, honesty is best, but I get where they're coming from.

But what motivates people to do it online? You don't really get anything but attention from it. And why would anyone want to try to derive attention from an illness like that, to the point where it's obviously not just wanting to talk about it, but it's wanting everyone to treat you like you're so much worse off.

What do people get out of being the biggest victim, or the worst case in the current discussion?

That's what's more interesting to me than if anyone in particular in this thread is telling the truth, I just mentioned it here because there was a few posts that made me think of it.

No. 49917

Okay, so I'm pretty sure this is just some sort of coping mechanism but I haven't had a chance to talk to a mental health professional since moving somewhere new and don't want to SDX.

But has anyone else here experienced "maladaptive daydreaming?" I constantly escape real life to just hang out in my head, living through brief fantasies or just idealized versions of the future. It's kind of taken over my life. When I'm not working or when I don't have to hyper focus on something, I drift off into another daydream. I look forward to being alone so I can just slip into my head and pretend some more.

It's weird, and I don't like that I'm so attached to this. Like I said, I think it might just be a coping mechanism for depression BUT haven't had a chance to talk to a qualified medical professional so I honestly don't know. Just wanted to see if any of you have ever had this problem and if so, if anyone had any suggestions on how to kick the habit?

No. 49918

I want to get help and I might finally can once I start my job.
I'm scared shitless to go to the doctor and ask her to send my to a therapist or however that goes. But I think I need it because I'm suicidal al fuck, depressed and have really bad abandonoment issues. I just can't function or am too retarded to do it.

I guess the worst that can happen is that I get put on meds. Sadly by that time I might've fucked up all of my relationships completely.

Where do I start and how do I get help? I'm honestly scared and embarrassed that my doctor might not believe me or someone finds out, thinks I'm crazy and the word gets out. I just want to function normally.

No. 49919

File: 1476221286476.jpg (71.91 KB, 720x720, 1470875142087.jpg)

Don't have any professional diagnosises or anything but im pretty sure im depressed and maybe npd. Alcoholic too.

No. 49920

>>124766
Kinda sounds like a form of self stimming- do you find you tend to do it more often when you are feeling overwhelmed by lots of external stimuli?
I did this a lot as a child and into my teens exactly as you described, but once I started on medication in early adulthood the intensity of the daydreaming lessened.
I do however have extremely lucid dreams, wake up with headaches a lot and just generally feel unrested from being so "busy" in my dreams if that makes sence. It's so weird lol

No. 49921

File: 1476226576024.jpg (25.7 KB, 640x416, hawkingwomen.jpg)

>>124766
Anon, are you me? I do the exact same thing since I was about 8, that's when I got depressed due to familly problems and abuse, I've had a pretty fucked up childhood. Over the time it' s only been getting worse and worse, now I spend almost everyday living in my head and watching stupid stuff like dancing tutorials, kpop videos, catwalks and picturing myself taking part of them this and binge eating are the only things that calm me down. The thing is that I feel like I have no control over this stuff and everytime I try to stop I fail.For example, I don't even like kpop not the music nor the culture but I watch the videos because they are visually stimulating and I like to imagine myself taking part of them. I have no attention spawn, have no motivation, struggle to do normal daily routine, I despise myself and have problems expressing my thoughts and I am extremely incoherent in speaking and in my thinking process.Everything is absolutely excruciating to me.I have trouble sleeping because i wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared and I can't breath.My parents took me to a psychologist 2 years ago, the psychologist sent me to a psychiatrist and she put me on some antipsychotic medication.It was the most terrifying experience of my life, I had hallucinations from the medication and started to have panic attacks and I landed in a hospital that psychiatrist was working in and she put me on a lot more pills, that helped me with my attention spawn and I remember I could really focus on learning but after a few months I started getting bad side effects from that medication too, she said she would change my medication and add some extra stuff but my parents were pressuring me to stop taking the pills because they were expensive and ,,it was all in my head and had to think more positively" so i went cold turkey and it was a bad idea to do so.Now i'm a mess, i've been for years.I only want to get better and be able to do shit like everyone else does, I don't want to be ,,normal", I only want to get shit done, learn and use my intellect I would like to be able to read a fucking book.I'm sorry for this autistic and messy post PLEASE HELP MEE

No. 49922

>>124766
I did this my senior year of high school when I was getting out of an emotionally abusive friendship/relationship and still had to see him every day…like I would spend entire class periods in the bathroom just sitting there daydreaming about a whole different life, being famous and adored and shit. also pretty much wrote a movie entirely in my brain, it was about lesbians, I don't remember too much about all that now…anyway, yeah, totally maladaptive as I almost flunked out of my senior year and almost didn't graduate high school

so yeah, for me, it was definitely a response to trauma/abuse and sort of…splitting my consciousness to escape another more painful consciousness? I'm 23 now, and I still have some weeks where I'll be going through something rough that reminds me of my abusive past and I'll go right back into spending hours just, staring at the ceiling and thinking about living every other life but mine…but it's gotten to the point where I've weirdly worked it into my schedule and been able to limit it to times when I'm not expected to be productive (weekends, evenings) and the rest of the time, I'm clear and feel ok. so yeah, I don't know if you'll be able to stop it completely, but maybe sort of embrace it and tell your brain that it can daydream later, and then give it a chance to when you're done with your work

hope I helped? :)

No. 49923

>>124767
hey you sound like you really want help, and that should be enough of a reason to go out and seek it, regardless of what you're scared will happen. your doctor is a great place to start, literally just tell them you suspect you've been depressed, and they'll probably ask you a few more questions about it, be honest and open about your answers. you could also see a therapist first, find an office your insurance covers and give them a call. their entire job is to help you and point you in the direction you need to go to get the help you need, so they're not going to judge you or anything. and if you're confused, just ask questions. ALSO I don't know where your new job is but it's possible they might have some sort of counseling/support program for their employees. you may not want to ask your boss for specifics, but there might be a number you can call to find out what the company provides

No. 49924

>>124771
That did help, actually. Thank you! It's rather reassuring to hear from other people who have experienced it/still do.

No. 49925

>>124772
Thanks anon, I'll try not to chicken out of it

No. 49926

File: 1476868228780.png (148.36 KB, 640x1136, IMG_2351.PNG)

a mental health thread? cool, time to feel like an attention whore and rant about my life and how much i hate everything because my brain is defective! any other bipolar/sperg/ocd/misophoniacs here might be able to relate. maybe. idk

so basically i've been feeling lost and stuck in a cycle of nothingness for the past half-year because i'm done with high school and have no college plans because i'm a retard. all of my friends are off in college with a plan for their lives and i'm stuck at home, basically spending 90% of my time in my room, sleeping 12+ hours a day, binge eating, and wasting away on my computer. i've been applying for work but i don't have a car or driver's license yet which seriously complicates things.

i think about my lack of college plans and i keep telling myself that it's all my fault for being lazy in school and not taking any time to think realistically about my future. i graduated with a mediocre GPA so i don't even have anything to work with. another part of me is saying that i'm justified in my lack of effort. since i was a little kid i've always wanted to work in the medical field. in the emergency room, specifically. but i can't. this is where my mental health begins to become a problem:

i am 100% incapable of working in the ER because of misophonia, OCD, and autism. my tics and issues aren't fixable with medication or therapy. loud noises, certain smells i'd be exposed to, feeling pressured…. the fear of catching a sickness would keep me up at night. doing anything wrong makes me burst into tears. my misophonia trigger sounds are caused by sick people. the hospital, despite being the place i want to work most, scares me beyond what words can describe. people scare me because they hurt me with sounds without even meaning to. i have trouble understanding speech at times and my goddamn OCD makes me have to repeat actions over and over which would interfere with the work. it hurts me so fucking much. why go to college if i can't get a career i want? that's assuming i can afford it anyways. i can't get anywhere. i'm stuck.

and there are other options. there always are. i can draw decently. i have a degree of artistic talent. i'm not amazing, but i feel like maybe, just maybe, i could make something of it someday. but that's just a feeling. logically, i'm never gonna make it. i can't make it. the field is so competitive, there are millions of artists that can do what i do better. my characters are boring. my art is repetitive. what good is art if i can only draw faces and SOMETIMES a decent body? i can't draw anything else well. it's mediocre, it's all been done before, and the horrible crushing feeling of seeing an artist my age or younger that has higher technical skill that is making money with ease…you'd think i'd be used to it. but it hurts more and more every time. i feel more and more useless and completely inferior. i lose the drive to practice. i cry into a pillow and bang my fists on my mattress and pull my hair out like the stupid autistic little mess i am just to get my frustrations out because my art isn't good enough to correctly portray my feelings and i'm too useless to find any other ways to vent. every drawing is another reason for me to hate myself. uninspired. never gonna make it. mediocre. that's all i am. i look at my art and i see something that could be amazing if i weren't such a sad sack of shit.

and of course there's the fact that i've been dealing with the unfortunate feeling of knowing that i truly am all alone in the universe. being raised christian, i was taught that there was an ethereal being that loved me and made me the way i am for a reason. i used to imagine guardian angels watching over me. my parents aren't scary christians or anything, they're at least somewhat contemporary in their views. so i never felt bad about being christian, i never had any bad church experiences. but when highschool started, something inside me just snapped. i don't know exactly what it was that made my faith vanish almost overnight. it couldve been the fact that i'd been learning more and more about science from an unbiased perspective, or maybe it was from me coming to terms with my bisexuality and realizing that christianity was making me hate myself for it even more. that time period was when i started to truly look at the world for what it was. i just knew that my faith was a lie. a part of me died that i'll never be able to get back. it's been almost 5 years since then and i still feel partially dead because i'm the only atheist in my family and watching them pray and do religious shit hurts me beyond what words can describe. it's horrible discomfort. it's guilt, feeling guilty for not being christian anymore. i can't believe because once the innocence of believing in god was robbed from me, it was burned to a crisp and destroyed forever. i feel like such a stupid neckbeard for having such a huge hate for religion. it pisses me off so fucking much. watching it control people makes me want to scream and yell at them to wake up and when my parents mention it i just want to cry and curl into a ball and go back to believing in god again. but i know now that i'm alone. i used to get angry at god for making me mentally disabled but now i have nobody but myself to be angry at. everything hurts. it still hurts. it makes me want to die because i know that there's nothing after we die, and i already feel like i'm living a life of nothingness so what's even the point anymore? i hate feeling alone even though i have some of the greatest and most supportive friends i could ask for. i guess now that i know souls don't exist, it makes everything seem fake and temporary. i don't know. i'm so alone.

the only thing keeping me going is a small flame in my heart that keeps telling me to write lore and stories and draw my characters and develop them and just fucking MAKE something cool, dammit. i don't want to let my family and friends down. i want to make people happy with my characters. i want to raise awareness for mental illnesses, i want to make money off of my art and watch my art improve, i want to exercise and get some muscle mass and finally take care of myself, i want to feel alive for the first time. some part of me wants to keep going. but the rest of me just wants it to end, or just stay as it is right now. i don't know what i want to do. i don't know if i even want to do anything or if i even can. i'm such a disaster. a year ago i dieted and ate healthy and lost 30 pounds(probably one of my only real achievements), making me average weight for my height. i gained it all back from going back to binge eating again. and now im binge eating more and more because i have nothing to do all day and no motivation to do anything and i hate myself and feel so angry and overwhelmed yet so fucking empty at the same time. my only "talent" makes me angry and anxious and makes me feel even more worthless. my existence has never felt more useless. nobody cares about my mediocre creations and i'm all alone in the universe and i'm a disappointment to everyone that's ever known me and i constantly let down the few people that look up to me. i'm an autistic mess in public and over emotional in general. i forget to take care of myself because my schedule is fucked and i just don't care about my body. i've picked at the skin on my chest and legs and face and i have sores now from my constantly picking at myself because i'm so trapped and i hate it so much. i hate how my misophonia isolates me and how my OCD makes me act so fucking stupid and makes my head spin all the fucking time because everything is so wrong. i let my disorders consume me and define me because i'm weak and spineless.

i just. don't even know anymore. i tend to make a big deal over nothing. it's selfish. somehow i feel so much better ranting to an imageboard filled with people who could potentially relate to me or sympathize because hell, that's the most social interaction i've been getting lately, anyways!

kill me

No. 49927

I've been lurking here for a year now and finally decided to post, because I hoped some of you could maybe help me: I'm in my 3rd semester in university, studying to become a teacher, but I‘m totally unhappy with my career choice. Right after high school I started going to law school (my parents „forced“ me) but because I really hated it, they allowed me to quit after one year. When I applied to study architecture but I was not good enough, so I settled for what I‘m doing now. (After one year I tried a 2nd time, but failed again.) Right before it started I was super motivated and happy, but when was soon disappointed because the classes don't interest me and I was not able to make any friends at all… I just feel so unconfident all the time, sometimes I can't even go to lessons because I feel literally stared at, everybody is talking and having fun and I‘m sitting here completely alone. When I was in middle school I started to somehow develop an eating disorder and struggled for years to get out of it. Now that my self confidence was obviously not very high to begin with I afterwards started to gain all the weight back and even more, so I‘ve been feeling ugly. At our school we had dance lessons and I was the only girl not participating, because I couldn‘t stand the thought of a boy touching me because I feel too fat/ugly. Im also very tall so that adds to my insecurity… I just feel like I missed out on so much fun in my youth and now im 21 and completely miserable. I have only a few friends, I barely ever go out and if i do I don‘t enjoy it at all. My parents are always nagging me, because I never go out, but I somehow can‘t change it. I constantly tell myself that from now on I'll change my life, but i'm never able to. The only happiness i my life is junk food, I’m not overweight, but if I keep this up I sooner or later will be. This week the new semester started and again I‘m all alone, although i told myself to be confident from now on, but I‘m just scared, I#‘m feeling so anxious, I barely dare to move. I sometimes keep my jacket on, because that maked me feel more „protected“. On a side note, I‘ve never had a boyfriend, I‘ve not even been kissed, but it somehow doesn‘t even bother me. In high school I had so many dreams and plans for the future, I wanted to study abroad (in Tokyo, yes I‘m a weeb) but now I‘m not doing anything, haven‘t even started learning the language and I just feel so burned out.
Sorry fort he long post and the mistakes I’m not a native speaker.

No. 49928

File: 1477025097927.png (2.36 MB, 1400x1773, 1474585362694.png)

Is anyone else schizoid here? It does not affect me badly or if it does I can not tell it does. I just never felt/feel the need to socialize. I guess this explains why I never tried to get a bf in high school or ever go to any social gatherings after school like dances, party's, etc.

No. 49929

File: 1477026094063.png (114.16 KB, 247x249, 1474971830542.png)

>>124768
The "better" one.

No. 49930

>>124775
I don't really know how to put my jumbled mess of thoughts into words. I've gone through, and continue to deal with, the whole "well, fuck, what's the point?" kind of thing, so I can relate a bit.

I think you're comparing yourself to others too much. Unfortunately I'm pretty damn fucked too, obsessively contemplate the meaning of my existence, if life's gonna have an end why not make it now, etc etc all that fun stuff, so I don't have any stellar advice, but from personal experience things get a lot easier once you realize there's no "correct" way to do life. This is something I need to remind myself a lot especially on days when I sleep too much or didn't use my time as productively as I could have. It's a ridiculous waste of time to stress about what we didn't do in the past.

Something I've been doing for the past several months, and to my own surprise been succeeding at doing it every day, is making a to-do list spreadsheet. I write up a list for the day, even simple stuff like "do the dishes" or "water the plants." Then I cut and paste each finished task into a "done" section. At the end of the day I cut the whole thing out into a word document and write about my day or my mood or whatever. On my good days I noticed I don't really want to write anything but on my bad days I often wall-o-text myself. It's been therapeutic since it allows me to write down all of my thoughts but I don't have to edit them to be ripe for posting on anon boards.

I think it's important to recognize your own accomplishments even if they're small.
Alternatively for you I think it would be beneficial to write a list of goals and what you need to do to achieve them. I have a fucking terrible memory and it's really helped relieve some of my stress when I write down a task as soon as I realize it. It's on the list, I don't need to worry about all of the things I've potentially forgotten because they've left my head and are all in my computer. And keep your room clean if you don't already. I've basically dwindled down all of my belongings to the bare minimum because I know suicide will be my way out in the distant future and it feels pretty good being aware of and appreciating everything I own. Hm that sounds counter-productive towards you being like "hey I'm prepping myself to peace out at any moment lol" but I've gotten over the whole bitterness at the universe and constant striving to be happy part of being depressed and am probably as mentally healthy as I'll ever be. I'm doing my best to make my family happy and cherish every moment I have with them and once they're gone I will be too. But for now I'm here, and I've got shit to do.

Anyway the list thing probably won't be life changing but I'd say give it a try. At the very least you'll be organized as fuck. Best wishes anon, I've been blessed in that my hobby has become my career and it's online to boot. Hope you can find something fulfilling.

No. 49931

>>124778
Nah. Other one's better and funnier if you're over 10.

No. 49932

File: 1477186017530.jpg (2.42 KB, 125x125, 3232.jpg)

I have really bad paranoia. I thought it was tolerable before when I was NEET but now I work as a dental assistant and my intrusive thoughts are killing me.

It's been two weeks of

"The other girls think you're in the way, they hate you!"
"You'll never get x-rays right"
"You're slaving away for doctors that hate you"
"You're going to get hepatitis in exchange for a shit wage"
"you're not as pretty as the other girls so you'll be the first to be fired"
ect.

The receptionist bought me a coffee mug today and all I could do was assume that she got it for me because I was annoyingly using one of her coffee mugs at work (I'm not sure if I was even using her coffee mug, we have about 12 shared mugs at work). She was probably just being nice.

No. 49933

The only reason I'm not killing myself is because it would really fuck up my fiancée.
The shittiest part is that it's not because of my mental health despite that having historically been awful.
It's all because of money and the Australian government absolutely hating it's students and citizens who recover enough to get off disability benefits.

I don't want to kill myself because of the depression or bpd I wanna kill myself because I'm hungry, malnourished, and close to homeless.

No. 49934

File: 1477929178730.jpg (30.83 KB, 599x462, 1472562858974.jpg)

I always felt wrong, but I always tried to take it as it was just normal behaviours and thoughts from a normal person that has gone through some shit.

Anyways, my dad forced me into therapy, and had my first appointment and the lady did some weird test that made me feel really uncomfortable with those fucked up questions. Then she remitted me to the psychiatric whose appointment is tomorrow and I just can't stop feeling disappointed of myself.
I always said that I will overcome this by myself, but it just got progressively worse overtime.

The scary thing is, I'm afraid I'm becoming my mother.

No. 49935

>>124212
I was in a car crash last year that shook my noggin

I had balance issues for a while and I sometimes feel light headed and get panic attacks

When this is happening I feel like I'm about to snap and go literally insane

No. 49936

Seems like being borderline, depressed and having anxiety are the Tumblr health/mental disorders of the fucking moment which is really annoying and belittling to the ppl that actually have them, but whatever. I'm not boderline, nor have I ever been diagnosed with it, but besides that I have actually been diagnosed with all of the above, except BPD and depression. However, many psychiatrists have attempted to put me on many different types of antidepressant over the last few years, which I did not like.

Anyways, idk if anyone else has mentioned it, but being an addict fucking sucks. It's not glamorous and takes fucking everything from you. I'm trying to work on it while finding a new doctor before I try to settle in to a new job. I'm addicted to heroin but it's not because I just decided to try it one day. I went through a traumatic physical event and was prescribed a variety of opiates, many were even injected and gave me a rush very similar to heroin. Can anyone else relate? It's a fucking epidemic right now in the US, it's crazy.

No. 49937

Anons who have adhd or experience with adhd, what does it feel like? I think I'm about to fail three of my classes because I cannot fucking focus on anything important for more than a few minutes.

>I'll be fairly focused for like two hours sometimes but that's as long as the focus usually lasts

>I'll finish several readings for a class and not remember a word of any of them
>a lot of concepts for my classes are easy enough once I figure them out but I can rarely pay attention long enough to do so
>used to get in trouble for being disruptive in school until about age 11
>space out a lot
>unfolded laundry on my bed thats been there for a week, my car is full of garbage
>I'm absolute shit at consistently doing chores
>been told I overreact
>usually start things at the last minute
>often forget what people said right after they say it to me

I seriously feel stupid as fuck, like I'm never operating at full capacity, and I'm afraid of being dismissed while getting a diagnosis because I'm not hyperactive in public (when I'm alone in my room I often get up, walk around in circles talking to myself, dance around, etc).

No. 49938

>>124785
I agree with this post completely, the self diagnosis that goes on is fucking crazy, and seriously insulting to people who do legitimately suffer from those conditions.

I find it really strange that people get so insanely upset when someone fakes having cancer, but then it doesn't seem to be a big deal when some teenager pretends to have whatever the currently in condition is.

And yep, I can relate to the second part, though I'm addicted to oxy. It's absolutely nothing like people online often act like, there's nothing glamorous about being mostly out of it and incoherent, or puking your guts up because you dosed too much. People also seem to ignore that alcohol isn't the only drug that gives you a hangover as well.

That's ignoring how the drug becomes everything you think about, how all you can think about is getting high and how you'll get high, when most of what you do is at least somewhat based around getting high, all of that shit tends to get ignored when people act like the whole "sex drugs and rock and roll" lifestyle is some great thing to be aspired towards. Playing live is great fun if you're passionate about your instrument and entertaining, but there's nothing to be envied about heading back to a mates place with people who are only there either to sell you drugs or because you have them and then passing out there after a gig. And that's pretty mild as far as that sort of stuff goes.

If there's one thing I don't get, it's why these issues are treated in a way like they're somehow desirable or cool, it's just beyond me.

No. 49939

I'm slowly recovering from a several-years-long bout of depression, but it sucks ass that I'm in my twenties and have almost no friends due to falling off the face of the earth for so long. It makes recovery harder and more dreadful because everyone has moved on with their lives.

No. 49940

>>124786
Idk anon I'm the same but cant focus for more than 20 min. But let me know if you get diagnosed lol. Honestly tho, some people in my family has it and it's more of a "I cant' watch a short youtube video because I get distracted by all the recommended videos and it stresses me out" - so yeah idk.

No. 49941

>>124788
I'm in the same situation as you, anon. I know the sun doesn't revolve around me but I wish it did, it fucking sucks being left behind and not being able to do a single thing to catch up.

No. 49942

>>124790
Yeah…everyone takes it personally that you disappeared and it's impossible to explain that you never stopped liking them, you just started sleeping and wanting to die all the time :\ How are you supposed to explain that without sounding like a drama queen?

I'm trying to make new friends but that's hard because 1) I simply don't know how to anymore and 2) I shy away from explaining my past so I guess people find that mad sketchy and steer clear. I'm embarrassed that I haven't finished university and still live at home.

No. 49943

I haven't left my room since Saturday. Haven't left my bed, really. Other than food and bathroom, feed my cat, I haven't moved nothing.
It's 75 degrees today though which is uncommon in November, so I'm forcing myself to leave the house and walk around, go read a book.
I don't want to say I'm depressed but I have history with it so whatever I guess.

No. 49944

I skipped nearly all my lectures this week because of my depression. I'm also deferring a midterm today. I'm such a mess right now. The main reason probably being my eczema which itches and hurts like crazy It's flared up badly and is so ugly to look at. I don't want to meet anyone, talk to anyone or even study so I'm just sitting in my room doing nothing.

No. 49945

>>124793
Holy shit are you me? My eczema always starts flaring up around midterm week–prob all the stress–and then I feel disgusting and awful and itchy no matter what i do. Covering my face with makeup doesn't help but not doing anything makes me feel ugly and embarrassed. I feel like a vain idiot. I just stay in my room and study and only go to class on the actual midterm date.

No. 49946

bipolar disorder is something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
i never feel comfortable in my own skin and the meds never really help.
people assume that i'm just a drama queen who craves attention. or they think i'm just lazy instead of depressed.
i've lost all my friends due to this fucked up mental illness. i had a close friend who suffered from the same problem, but she ended up killing herself.
I always wonder if maybe suicide is the only way out of this pattern of breakdowns.
i feel like such a burden on my family and bf and i think things would be so much easier for them without me.
i can't even pretend to smile anymore.

No. 49947

>>124795
You get diagnosed and medicated for it yet?

No. 49948

I have severe depression, anxiety, and paranoid schizophrenia. Life is pretty rough.

No. 49949

>>124796
yeah, been diagnosed for about five years now.
as for meds, i've tried welbutrin, lithium, geodon, lamictal, risperdal, and latuda with little results.
my doc has me taking prozac along with vyvanse and clonazepam at the moment, but i don't know how well that's working either.

No. 49950

>>124798
No valproate? That's odd

No. 49951

My best friend of almost 10 years, my pet rabbit, is on his last legs (or rather, lying down all day sleeping). I've had depression my whole life and for the past few years, he's been the only thing keeping me even slightly sane. I"m scared about losing him, how much I'll miss him and what it'll do to me. I can't stop crying and he isn't even dead yet, just not doing so well. I wonder if I'll go back to comatose depression…fuck.

No. 49952

>>124795
Bipolar, ADHD, Touretic OCD and personality disorder unspecified here. I have disassociative moments occasionally and have been in a psychosis.
I feel you. My OCD makes me rip out my nails when I get stressed. I have fucked up feet now for the rest of my life.

Worst is when people try to tell me about their I AM SO DEPRESSED/OMG PEOPLE JUST DONT GET MY ANXIETY etc shit. People ruin mental illnesses by using them as excuses to be human scum.

No. 49953

>>124800
Cuddle. Cuddle, cuddle, take pictures and video.
My cat is sixteen, I've known him since mere hours after he was born. He's sill lively, but ailing, and when he goes I don't know how I could even manage to live. He's been with me over 70% of my life and helped me through so much difficulty. He's still helping me. I'm really scared at the thought of him being gone. I'm actually concerned I might do reckless things because he in particular is why I stuck close to home and didn't stick my neck out or do a bunch of things/go places, since he's my baby and my responsibility.

No. 49954

>>124802
Thanks anon, it's what I needed to hear. I've been taking the videos off my phone now that my computer is up and running, just so I can get more of him cuddling his stuffed animals.

I hope your baby is doing alright. I only got him when I was 20 but he's been with me through such big changes, and kept me grounded. Like you, I'm a bit scared of what or who I'll be without him.

I've stayed home more and more, just so I won't miss anything. I don't even miss going out that much with my friends or anything, compared to his love and cuddles it's not even a question.

Give your fur baby hugs and kisses from me and my bunny! He's played with cats before and loves it.

No. 49955

>>124800
I can relate to both of you, my cat is 17 years old. She's still energetic but I can see her getting weaker and it's just so heartbreaking. I know she's going to go soon but I don't know if I can handle her death. I had her since I was like 6 so we've been through a lot. Everyone kind of scoffs at me being so attached to my pet but I can't help it. I just love her so much and she's a huge part of my life. She might be the only one keeping me alive and I seriously don't know what I'll do when she's gone.

No. 49956

>>124804
That's what I'm scared of, anon. I had a really over protective childhood/teenage years, and when I left it was a huge shock. But he's made it worth it, and made me work harder and be less prissy - so many things.If it wasn't for him I would have moved home after college and done nothing, he's a lifeline to me. Without him I'm scared about what kind of person I'll be - even thinking about that reality seriously makes me sob.

What kind of kitty is she? I love cats, I wish I could have one but my roommate is allergic. I'd love to see a pic of her!

No. 49957

Oh cool, mental health thread. I'll bite.

I've got paranoid schizo with some disorganized symptoms, been diagnosed with it for… Mm, four years now?

I'm not taking any medications at the moment and haven't been for the last like, half a year or so, but i was before that and I stopped because I wanted a chance to try living with my illness. My psychiatrist always bitches about it, but I feel like I'm functioning okay-ish, though I think in the long run I'll probably wind up back on them. But really, as long as I can still attend uni and have a decent social life, I'm not too upset about trying to live with my illness rather than smothering it with medication. It's difficult, yeah, but it's liveable, at least for now, and I want that chance to not have to be medicated and see if I can do it on my own.

Aside from schizo, here's probably other shit I could be diagnosed with too, I'm a very likely candidate for PTSD due to some shit that happened in my life a couple years ago that definitely causes PTSD-like symptoms, but I haven't talked to anyone about it yet. I also feel like honestly, if I didn't hallucinate and have delusions/paranoia/etc, I'd probably be diagnosed with autism instead, but then again they're apparently pretty similar illnesses from a medical standpoint.

Since the topic of pets is being brought up, I have a psychiatric service dog and she'll be eight next year, she's a smaller breed and those usually live a while longer but I'm still concerned sometimes about how much time I have left with her because she's helped me a lot and I'm very attatched to her. She's probably one of the only reasons I'm able to get by okay while not being medicated, since she helps me distinguish reality from hallucinations- I've gotten better at ignoring voices, since I know logically that if she doesn't react to them then they're probably not real, same goes for visual hallucinations. It's still difficult when you hear them all the time, but it's a little more bearable when you have something to bring you back to reality.

No. 49958

I recently got diagnosed with BDP/bipolar disorder, they said it wasn't clear yet if they were comorbid or not and it would take some time to determinate it.

I always tought that bpd people were the sole definition of being an asshole, even though I always saw myself as a piece of shit.

My grandfather was bipolar and ruined his family. My mother had bdp and who knows what else, and she ruined her family.
And there is me, who ruined the most precious relationship I have ever had with my dad.

Poor man, he has been a constant victim, dealing with mentally ill people since he was a child, it's not fair, is definitely not. I honestly pity him, I try so hard to restraint myself and my impulses, to think twice the things I will say, do, my expresions and all that, but I always end up hurting him in some way.

He was soft, patient, sensitive… and I turn him in a different person for so many years. Our relationship has been recovering since 2013, I know the damage it's already done, but I want to get back all those wasted years of pain somehow.

The first time I found out he was crying because of me, I wished so hard I had never been born in the first place. I was 8yo at that time.

No. 49959

98% talking about depression, bipolar disorder and anxiety and I just have a fucking psychosis and wish to be the careless, strong and life loving bitch I was 1 year ago. I can't even sleep in peace because I'm every moment scared to have hallucinations. Even though I'm on a high doses of Seroquel. I'm so worried that I will have this my life long. Why do mental disorders even excist. And fuck off yall selfdiagnosed tumblr cunts

No. 49960

>>124212
I'm sort of fucked right now. The psychiatric help in my country is really bad and it's hard to get a proper diagnosis. I'm a mess and constantly feel like I'm going crazy, I feel like I'll be slipping in complete craziness every moment and I'm really scared of having hallucinations or hurting myself/others. My palms are always sweaty, I have a few panic attacks everyday and I always think there's something physically wrong with me. I always feel stuck in my head and like I can't connect with anyone, I feel disconnected from reality, I'm dizzy all the time, everything looks dreamish, I question reality, have intrusive thoughts, I'm really panicked in social situations, I can barely sit through school, can't focus on anything, my thoughts are super disorganized, can't sleep properly, feel like all the people around me are transforming into monsters or like they are not the people I used to know, my concentration is really bad.

I've been really thinking of killing myself lately and I think I might do it because I'm not even afraid of it anymore but still have some hope left because I'm pretty young but I'm afraid it will only get worse and worse as I age and I'll end up like my mom, stuck in my apartment and in my own definition of reality and hallucinations without mental care. I do see a therapist at the moment and he says I'm like this because of my fucked up childhood and family life, but to be honest I think it might also be genetical. I was thinking of going to a psychiatrist but I'm really scared since I know most of them are not good(the educational system is pretty bad here too, you can basically become what the hell you want if you have a little bit of money or connections) and there's bad stigma around mental sickness and you are considered irrecoverable, even people that suffer from things like depression or anxiety are considered to be completely dysfunctional. I'm also tired of all the kids pretending to be mentally ill or thinking is some cool shit I hope they end up going crazy in a mental hospital, doped with pills and being treated like shit.

Three years ago I ended up at a private psychiatrist after ingesting a huge amount of benzydamine in an attempt to kill myself while being high to ease the pain. I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder and was put on a trazodone based antidepressant but went off of it after one year because it made my skin itch like crazy and gave me indigestion problems. To be honest, I think it's more than GAD and panic disorder. I forgot to mention that I also talk to myself a lot on feel weird when I look in the mirror, feel like I'm not looking at myself.

I'm really sorry for all of you. I wished this world wasn't such a big mess.

No. 49961

File: 1481444153677.png (16.83 KB, 259x224, 2966600.png)

Anybody here with bpd take medication for it? I've heard about abilify and I'm seeing my psychiatrist soon and I was thinking about asking him about it.. It's really hard because a lot of mood stabilizer / antipsychotics seem to have weight gain as a side effect which terrifies me.

No. 49962

Has DBT worked for anyone?

About a year ago, my ex therapist said I had some borderline tendencies. (I think she was mostly referring to splitting) I quit her shortly afterwards because of other issues. Over the last year I've been up and down about regulating my problems, but yesterday I had a really bad episode where all of my insecurities and suicidal thoughts were coming back. Now I guess I need something intensive again.

Is there even any way to tell if I qualify for the therapy?

No. 49963

File: 1481676897084.jpg (45.98 KB, 480x480, IU77mJM.jpg)

>>124811
Social worker here. I've definitely heard people say that DBT was at least a little effective in helping them actually recognize how they tend to react and behave in interactions with other people.

As far as qualifying for the therapy I'm not sure what area you're in or what the mental health system is like. In my area (New York) a lot of outpatient therapists are knowledgeable in DBT and able to use it in working with clients. There are also inpatient, and intensive outpatient (going there like 8 hours about 3 days a week and doing groups and therapy) programs.

Sorry, I usually just lurk or post reaction images, and rolled in on this thread

No. 49964

>>124812
samefag, just also wanted to say that I've also heard folks with pretty significant borderline tendencies say that DBT is not their cup of tea, i.e. just doesn't work for them. Everyone is different, I've heard more positive than negative from those actually struggling with the symptoms though

No. 49965

>>124811
Dbt (dialect behavioral therapy) has helped me. I have depression, generalized anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and a few other illnesses that play into my mental health.

I started it when I was in the mental ward and continued some classes once I got out. It actually rewires your brain and how you think so that you have long term effects. It takes time. It isn't done in one day.
It focuses on how to have positive conversation. Cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy) focuses on having positive thoughts. Both work of you let them.

No. 49966

I've been have this problem for my entire life and I was wonder if I could get some advice or feedback, anyway I'm going to explain the situation below:

When I was 2 years old my mom gave me a stuffed animal with a music box in it and I became really attached to it. Between the ages of 3-4 I was repeatedly molested by a teachers aid at the preschool and early education program. When I would come home, I would hold my stuffed animal and pull the string to play the music. This help calm me and feel safe. When I was four my older sister who was six years old asked if she could have my stuffed animal.

Being essentially a toddler, I thought she meant to only borrow it. When I asked for it, she refused and instead gave me a dirty stuffed animal that I didn't want. I would watch her at night cuddling my beloved stuffed animal. I would come home after being molested and ask to hold it and she wouldn't let me. It became super traumatic for me. I asked for it back multiple times over a period of 10 years and she insisted that the baby toy was hers.

When she left for college she left the toy in a storage box of things she didn't want any more. I found this box five years ago and found my stuffed animal in it. I took it back but I hid it in a door so she wouldn't see it when she visited me.

Part of my therapy to process my molestation is to re-connect to the toddler in me who repressed the trauma. I started sleeping with the stuffed animal again. I found it very comforting in helping me process my trauma.

Fast forward to today. I was on snapchat and decided to take a picture of my lolita coord on my bed. The stuffed animal was on the bed with my other plushies and I sent the snap to all my followers. The I get this message from my sister saying "wtf Cowie is mine (crying-laughing emojis)"

I totally broke down. We've had many fights in the past about who "owns" the stuffed animal, but this was so upsetting this time around that I was curled up in a ball sobbing. It felt like she took it from me all over again, I felt transported back in time to my molestation and trauma.

So I really want some feedback on this. Over the years she's insisted that I'm the one who needs to grow up and accept that the toy is now hers. She's a 29 year old woman. The memories of my molestation were repressed until around 6 years ago. She's aware I was molested but not to what extent. I never really talked to her about why the stuffed animal meant so much to me. I'm afraid that I'll get the same reaction from her that I always do. That I "need to get over it and stop acting so childish." I'm afraid of guilt tripping her if I bring my molestation into this but I feel like she needs the full picture on why this was so traumatic for me.

I'm I just being overly sensitive like my sister claims? Should I just give the stuffed animal to her even though she put it in a box with all her unwanted shit? I just feel like she never really wanted the stuffed animal and instead just wanted it to feel a sense of power over me. She used to say she would never play with me again and emotionally manipulate me to do things I didn't want to do. But if I mention this to her she gets this guilt complex and starts hating herself and I don't want that. I just want her to realize how much pain the trauma is causing me.

Sorry that was really long :(

No. 49967

>>124810
Not sure if this helps or not, but I take antidepressants and they have the same reported side effect of weight gain. I gained 30 pounds on mine, BUT I think it's because antidepressants made me more hopeful and a little less critical…so I said "who cares if I literally stuff my face and get fat".
Good news? Now I'm completely used to the antidepressants in a good way and on a diet to get off the weight. I think it's sometimes just one of those things where you are finally not miserable and can even accept yourself if you're fat.
Like right now, I look slightly chubby, but just want to lose weight to look better and fit my old clothes. It's no longer like "You fat pig, just kill yourself". So yeah, not sure how this is with bipolar, but from what I understand some people with bipolar lean more toward being depressed so that might explain the weight gain.

No. 49968

>>124815
Your sister is almost 30 and refusing you a stuffed fucking animal? What a bitch.

No, you're not overreacting anon. It was your toy to begin with,. she can shove off. She sounds like a cow. You could explain that you need it for therapy reasons if she gets all uppity about it. If she doesn't get it after that, then well, whatever. Keep it anyway.

No. 49969

>>124815
You SHOULD guilt trip her. She's part of your childhood trauma whether she indirectly caused it or not. You tell her how you were molested and how that toy was the only thing that gave you comfort before she took it away and then acted selfish for years to never let you borrow it back. Fuck her.
And btw, I would be careful about sending her anything via snapchat or otherwise anymore since she seems to judge every little detail about your photos.

No. 49970

>>124815

I think you need to re-examine your relationship with your sister and determine whether or not it's a relationship worth having. Cut the "but she's family" bullshit and ask yourself if she's someone you would want to be around if she were a stranger/non-related to you.

It doesn't sound like she cares about your feelings at all from how you've described her. If having the stuffed animal helps you recover or makes you happy, then what does it matter?

More important: How important is your recovery/managing your trauma to you? Do you want to get to a better place? Is the stuffed animal really helping you? If yes, then are her feelings really more important than that? What comes first to you? Your mental state or hers?

If it were me, I'd honestly gut her and let her hate herself. It really just sounds like she's been throwing little pity parties to make you feel bad about confronting her nasty behavior. Has she once changed after going through her little self-hate sessions or has she rebounded and pulled the same shit over and over? If her behavior has stayed the same, then it's just another form of manipulation.

And shouldn't she want to see you happy? You two have been fighting over a stuffed animal for 20+ years. A normal, loving sister would have shared/given it back to you. Family is supposed to treat you better than a stranger would. It really doesn't sound like that's the case here.

Keep it and make sure no one can find it/steal it from you again.

No. 49971

>>124815
First of all, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was also molested as a child, by an older child and possibly family members (I blocked out a lot).
My sister was mean to me. Mean. Beat me up, threw things at me, remotes, rocks, clip board, was injured several times by her, she broke my wrist, cut open my back. This went on for years. Verbal abuse as well, the typical mean stuff but I was also bullied badly at school so then it was like coming home to another bully. The physical abuse stopped when I was around 12, she was older. We were on the steps and I flinched and braced to be hit when my sister raised her hand. My mom saw and decided my sister wouldn't hit me anymore. And she didn't. She got heavily into drugs though and my life was in a lot of turmoil.

My therapist is trying to figure out where all my anxiety comes from, so she made me talk about these events.

I cry very easily, so when I can talk about something without crying, it means I've mad peace with that thing. I didn't cry when talking to her about it. I've forgiven my sister for what she's done.

I know our lives and what happened to us is very different. But what I'm being taught, as crazy as this is, is that you ignore it. Phase it out. Detach. It's dangerous though because it can make you more likely to disassociate.
There is so much hurt and pain in what you went through. It isn't even about who's toy it was in the first place anymore.

It makes YOU feel better. That's all that matters. And your sister is petty to make such a comment about something she put in a box because she didn't want it anymore.

If you think she'd be open to dialog, write down what you want to say to her and then read it. Tell her to let you finish before she responds.

If she wants nothing to do with it, drop it. Be cordial but don't speak to her unless you need to.

No. 49972

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6g_geYeL4U

What do farmers think about this? I think an elimination diet is worth trying out so at least I know there's no low level inflammation or allergy problems. I used to think of myself as one of those people who didn't have any allergies to worry about until a lotion made me break out in hives recently.

No. 49973

>>49966
Every anon has already said the right stuff, but I just wanted to add that in future you can be more vague in describing objects or what your hobbies that you are photographing are and stuff. It's best to cut out identifying details just in case you are allowing ammunition for irl people that recognize things to hurt you. I'm sure in this case it is vague enough, but just for future reference.
I'm genuinely hoping that your life improves anon, it feels like you've come a long way and I hope that you can continue to heal.

No. 49974

I'm so sick and tired of trying to manage my depersonalization. I think I'm getting ever closer to having a significant mental break. I just exist, for the sake of existing. My life has very little meaning right now and whatever meaning it did have has been squandered because I suppressed the struggle I was having with mental health for too damn long.

No. 49975

Anyone have an experiences going inpatient? I hear a lot of horror stories…my shrink is strongly encouraging me to go because I'm suicidal/unstable and self harm. I know if I go voluntarily, supposedly I can leave whenever I want to (after a 72 hour hold).

I'm just really at the end of my rope.

No. 49976

>>49975

what things are you worrying about specifically, anon?

No. 49977

>>49975
I've been inpatient 8 times between 3 places over the span of 12 years. It really depends on the facility, but the places I went were pretty chill over all and I'm definitely thankful I went (at least as an adult, the teen wards are not pleasant). It's scary at first, but you get used to it after a couple days. The big thing is to be warry when socializing with the other patients and, for the love of god, don't date anyone there. Remember that while most people are there for depression, there's always gonna be a couple who are there for more dangerous shit and often times they will lie so that they don't alienate themselves. One time I was inpatient there was a girl who started dating one of the guys there after two days of knowing him, and he ended up having to be put in isolation because he was having fantasies of raping and killing her. Turned out that was why he was there in the first place- he checked himself in because he was having fantasies of raping and killing a coworker. So yeah, don't treat it like camp or a dating site. Most of the people I've been with were really sweet and fun to be around, but there's always at least one or two that are genuinely psychotic. Some facilities place those people in different wards, though, and they'll almost always warn you if that's an issue.

Not trying to scare you or anything. Like I said, they were good experiences, you just have to have your wits about you with socializing.

No. 49978

>>49977
>>49976
Thanks. I'm definitely not trying to date anyone on the psych ward. I'm just afraid of being forced to take weird meds or having meds that do work for me some taken away from me.

I guess it's dumb, but I'd like to have my phone as well to stay in contact with people. All of my family live 800-1000 miles away, so it's not like they can visit. And really, I don't even want them to know I'd be going inpatient. I'd like to be able to text them as normal. Also the people who would be caring for my pets. My boyfriend is also in boot camp atm and I want to still be able to send him letters.

No. 49979

>>49970
>>49966
I know I'm a month late to the party, but it sounds like your sister has some serious possessiveness issues. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that's the case with everyone I've ever known who would be this territorial over a stuffed animal that wasn't even theirs to begin with.

No. 49980

>>49978
They legally can't force you to take meds if you go voluntarily. The only exception is if you attack someone and they need to sedate you. I'm assuming that won't be an issue for you, though. Double check that in case it's a state by state policy, but I'm 99% sure it's federal. Also, if you do decide to take meds they wanna prescribe you, get a second opinion from another doctor. I once had a quack try to prescribe me some insane shit that another doctor said he should be fired over when she saw it on my chart. I later Googled it and saw why she was so horrified.

You should definitely still be able to send your boyfriend letters, but any calls have to be made from the psych ward phone. You can always tell people you call that you're in the hospital for an intense flu or something, though, I'd you don't want anyone knowing about your mental state.

Also, if sexual abuse history has anything to do with your depression, be careful when talking about it on the ward. Patient confidentiality doesn't apply the same way in a psych ward, they consider you a "vulnerable adult" so if you report abuse, they are legally required to involve a social worker. If you don't name names then they'll give up and leave you alone, but it's something to be aware of.

No. 49981

It's kind of amusing how most lolcows have intense mental illnesses and we make fun or them for it, but then we have all these people in here talking about their own mental illnesses and everyone is super sweet and compationate. Farmers are complicated creatures.

No. 49982

How the fuck do I hold down a job when I want to kill myself 90% of the time? I've never had a job before, but had to move into my own place unexpectedly late last year and will be looking for a job soon since my savings are drying up.

I'm so worried I won't be able to work because I'm so depressed all the time but I have no one to help/support me. This past week has been super rough - the house is a mess, I've barely showered, haven't left the house for anything except to take my dog out for a walk. How can I work when I feel this way?

I'm in therapy but it's not doing very much. I've tried a million different meds and they don't work either.

No. 49983

File: 1484801176448.jpg (93.75 KB, 601x508, lolcow in a nutshell.jpg)


No. 49984

>>49980
Some facilities let you have a phone…when I was 17 they let me have my computer and phone. Maybe it was because I was underage though. I barely remember my stay, it was only a couple weeks and I was sedated to fuck. It wasn't bad though… pretty comfy….no crazies because it was a kid ward. Maybe it's just cuz I was sedated (which was against my will)

No. 49985

>>49981
I have had this same recollection before and I rationalized it like this. We look at lolcows and think they're stupid or horrible for whatever they're doing. They also put themselves out in the public eye and don't appear to ever want to improve themselves. Not saying that's true but that's what i perceive.

However we cross over into ot and we come across threads that have people being completely honest and anonymous. We share our experiences with our own mental health and we we feel sympathetic or maybe even empathetic.

I don't make fun of them for the mental illnesses themselves, I just make fun of what it creates. And yes, I am a complete hypocrite.

No. 49986

I have:

-Bipolar Disorder (possible mis-diagnosis nowadays as new information about my past came to light.)
-Major Depression
-Situational Depression
-PTSD
-Borderline Personality Disorder (fear of abandonment and come off as very close or clingy to people I built friendships with no thanks to enduring emotional and psychological abuse from my lovely family.)

No. 49987

>>49982
If it's a chill job, then it could potentially help with your depression! Sometimes the act of having some obligations/a reason to do stuff/a reason to shower, can totally help.

What modality of therapy are you in? Personally, I think CBT is extremely helpful for depressed people. (Diagnosed with severe and chronic depression, dysthymia, and ADD).

No. 49988

>>49987
oops apologies for the double post, I meant to add that therapy has been helping me cope with the depression really well, so perhaps it can help you?

Good luck Anon, I'm really rooting for you. I hope you'll be able to find social support and that your depression can at least become more bearable.

No. 49989

>>49987
>>49988
Thanks, anon. I appreciate the kind words. Whatever job I get is going to be a shitty entry level one, probably at some place like Walmart or Home Depot. Hope you're right about having obligations. That's how I'm going to try to approach it anyway.

I'm seeing a therapist who does CBT and DBT. She's not the first therapist I've seen though for CBT, but unfortunately therapy doesn't seem to help much.

No. 49990

>>49989
Different anon but I'm really rooting for you too and seconding what anon said about routine.
I don't know if this will be relevant to you but please try to just treat it like grinding in an rpg, if it's not working great at first then it's not the end of the world. There are so many different people in the service/retail industry that they will have seen someone inexperienced/shy/sad than you before and will again!

I was depressed and NEET for 2 years and my first job after that was such a shock because I wasn't used to it. They didn't keep me on for probation and at the time this made me feel like such a failure, but the fact I'd held it down that long proved I was at least partially capable of being showered and getting to work daily. That helped me feel more relaxed in the next place I worked, I haven't been let go since and I'm now self sufficient and doing much better. CBT, particularly the cheesy stuff where you talk to yourself and list all the things you actually HAVE achieved that day, really helped too.

No. 49991

>>49990
Thanks a bunch for your support too. It's reassuring to hear from someone who had to deal with a similar situation.

How did you deal with feeling like a failure at work? I imagine I'll feel that way too plus some because I have social anxiety and feel like I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb. Not to mention I'm a minority in the new town I moved to (like 3 whites for every 20 black people) and worry people are going to hate me or judge me right off the bat.

No. 49992

Day four of Lexapro.
It's already difficult to orgasm.
It takes way longer than normal and I hardly get wet.
Has anyone on SSRIs had this problem previously? Did it improve over time or just get worse?

No. 49993

>>49992
When I was on Lexapro I honestly don't think I had any problems with libido. I switched to Pristiq (SNRI) a couple of years ago and everything regarding sexual function went to shit. It hasn't become as bad as all out frigidity, but it's frustrating as fuck not being able to get off. The times that I can are just so lacklustre; I regret spending so much effort even trying. I'm not in a relationship/sexually active so there's no pressure, but for now I just put up with it.

No. 49994

>>49992
Lexapro killed my sex drive for a month or two but it came back. I also got headaches pretty frequently on it. Trial it for as long as you can

No. 49995

>>49994
same, mine came back after like a month. all side effects except the occasional tingling in my neck went away.

No. 54169

File: 1485746721327.gif (1.66 MB, 212x153, no.gif)

I have had extremely bad social/agoraphobia since I was a child, which in my life most frequently and strongly presents itself in panic attacks and constant fear of school. I'm finally in my second to last semester of college but all I can think about all the time is the thousand ways I could fuck up and I feel this enormous certainty of failure hanging over me all the time. My fear and dread are so powerful that I end up spending my nights waking up again and again from nightmares about it, and then the whole day before class contemplating suicide, and after too if my day doesn't go perfectly. I know it's stupid but I can't remember ever being able to feel differently no matter how much I want to. At my best times I just feel like a robot making meaningless and thoughtless movements through empty tasks, as if my conscious mind has been turned off or removed from my body and life and is hovering behind a big whirl of fog or water. God I just hope I can physically make it through this last year okay and that somehow after this I will (magically) become calm and happy finally being free from my worst fear.

No. 64542

>>49404
hey you probably have schizophrenia.

the drugs that treat it don't change your personality, they just make you realize that nobody wants to kill you and that there aren't coded messages coming from the tv. i recommend them.

No. 64543

Anyone else here afraid of going to a psychiatrist?
I used to be forced to go when I was a kid. Didn't help that they would chose a friend of someone I had problems with, so that person was really biased during the one hour we had to speak to her.
Was in a clinic for a while too, people where nice there but overall I just stayed too long for no real reason (they switched doctors during some time so that's why I couldn't go sooner because the new person had to get to know me too etc.)

But the 2 years ago one guy told me that he thought I might have depression (like an actual pro after talking to me for a longer time). Denied it during that time but it's getting worse and I really think he was right.
He couldn't really confirm it since we didn't speak for too long (2h max) he said I could visit someone from his team to see if it's true.
Anyways since I got fucked over so many times by people who were supposed to help me, I don't trust them anymore. But I still think that they help peopld since it's their job, just not me I guess?
As I said I think my depression is getting much worse recently thinking about self harming again so that's a big ass red flag.
Did anyone else had the same problem like trust issue wise or any tips maybe on how to start this bullshit so I won't get sucked deeper into it?

No. 64620

not diagnosed, don't see any reason to see anyone about it, but i'm prettttttyyy suureeee i'm schizoid. the only thing i don't hit is the lack of interest in sex. it's p great because thanks to my chronic health problems i just putter around the house cleaning and reading and writing and playing video games and gazing at my navel

No. 64622

>>64620
Why do you think you're schizoid? Also, how do you survive, re: money and stuff?

No. 64623

I'm going to therapy for the first time in years tomorrow and I'm really scared. I always just avoid it because I have trouble explaining wtf is wrong with me.I was diagnosed with asperger's as a teenager but I'm not really sure I have it. My social skills are probably above average and I seem to be hyper-aware of other people's feelings (which is opposite to the '"typical" sperg). Maybe it has something to do with being socialised as a girl, and also being raised to be severely polite. I feel like I'm just severely depressed but I've been this way since at least age ten, and I feel like I'll never be able to live a normal life. I probably just have fucking borderline or something.

No. 64640

File: 1499635333014.png (1.46 MB, 799x599, tumblr_oq1a8fMslE1w8biaso1_128…)

>>64622
in short, because i hit all the diagnostic criteria save for the disinterest in sex, and descriptions of the disorder read extremely similar to my own diary entries throughout the years. i go days at a time without speaking to anyone but my husband, and strongly prefer it that way. at the same time, i honestly don't see a point in pursuing a diagnosis. i'm very happy this way.

this may or may not be a useful example:
when i was 13 i i felt a calling to join the carthusian order of nuns, a catholic religious order of monastic contemplatives. silence, solitude, asceticism, contemplation. this inclination towards solitude and disinterest in ~ the material ~ has been with me since my childhood and has only grown stronger and stronger.

as for money, i met my (now) husband online when i was 16. we're now married and in our mid-twenties. he works, i stay at home. i have some health problems that didn't emerge until my 20's that make working very painful/exhausting for me, so it actually has worked out pretty well. i love him very much; at the same time he's in large part the only thing keeping me engaged in the world.

sage for blogging

No. 65389

File: 1500845050589.png (414.84 KB, 661x600, 1498767749668.png)

Borderline, anxiety and bulimia. Been on meds since I was 11yo, probably will be for life.
I've been on so many different meds, mostly because I had a really inexperienced doctor. Some pill made my hand shake like I had Parkinson's, it was very creepy. I'm currently on citalopram and carbamazepine, klonopin for crisis. works great.

No. 65403

I am a batshit crazy narcissist
I wouldn't say I'm suffering from it because I am enjoying every second of it

No. 65441

You guys know any chat/subreddit/group where I could get and give support about anxiety/depression? Not the pity party kind, the wholesome uplifting kind.
I'm tired of isolating myself because of it.

No. 65460

>>65441
A lot of people think it's stupid but the subreddits wholesomememes, mademesmile, and upliftingnews really help me with depressive episodes.

No. 65485

File: 1500986278847.jpg (124.73 KB, 343x454, 1364374436337.jpg)

The very fact that you are here and not being happy in a wide wide world, loving and being loved, proves that you got some sort of "tism".

No. 65489

>>65403
Tell us more, Anon

No. 65490

>>65485
This is a very slow website
People can have functioning lives and still check here once a week for 10 minutes anon

No. 65661

Just got diagnosed with DPD, HPD tendencies. Let the shame spiral begin…

No. 65682

File: 1501264014782.jpg (306.71 KB, 1199x899, larsrealgirl.jpg)

Diagnosed Schizoid here. I'm more and more intrigued with the idea of buying a sex doll. Like a nice one, who I can use like a big ass Barbie doll and project characters from my interpersonal world onto.

I feel myself pulling away from human interaction, just getting by on the basics. I don't feel like I ever connect with anyone, but Im not lonely. I'd rather fargo the bullshit hoops people have to do to keep up friends because I feel I get nothing out of the interaction.

No. 65693

File: 1501267696285.jpg (244.82 KB, 828x1299, Battleangel Alita1.jpg)

Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and possibly other undiagnosed issues as I've only just started therapy.

The timing of this shit was so unfortunate for me. I come from a pretty working class family where education isn't important but I worked hard as fuck and got into one of the best universities in my country. But all that work seems to have been for nothing because my chance at graduating has been ruined by my mental health issues.

My grades are good in general and I love my degree but I've missed several exams throughout university. I tried to kill myself back in May after missing a few (though that wasn't the only reason) and since then my mental health has been rapidly deteriorating. I'm supposed to be going into my 4th and final year after this summer but I have 7 exams to sit between Monday and the 11th of August to get there. I'm trying to convince myself otherwise but I know I'm not in the right mental state to get good grades or even to sit them. I don't like to self-pity but I feel so fucked over by my life/health right now. Currently trying to convince myself that dropping out of my dream degree isn't the end of the world.

Has anyone else had to drop out/give up on something they love because of their illnesses? How did you cope?

No. 65831

>>65693
battle angel alita <3 my alltime favourite manga <3

on topic: is there anyway you could do the exams belated? redo the year or something? get into a mental institution to get sick leave?

losing the possibility of a degree would only worsen the matters in my opinion

No. 65871

depression, anxiety, ptsd, and depersonalization. there have been times when each was very very severe to the point I had to drop out of my advanced classes and take online ones just because I couldn't sit still in class without having a panic attack. I'm doing better now but it still really upsets me when people don't take me seriously about it. I know people might think talking about it on the internet isn't the best thing & I acknowledge that there will always be people online saying bad things/not believing me but it kind of helps me cope honestly. Hope I don't sound like a snowflake lmao

No. 65878

Schizophrenia, depression, dyxpraxia.

Basically, I'm not even sure who I am and can't link brain to the hands, nice.
Sometimes is really hard to write, I have to re-read everything to make sure I didn't miss any words, since sometimes don't "reach" my hands.
I cannot even tie my shoes…

No. 66011

Bipolar personality disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, Depression, and a form of Paranoia.

My mental illnesses really fuck with productivity, and have really made me really really low. Even with medication, i just can't force myself to be happy for others or even enjoy things. I get these really low points and high points due to my bipolar, so nothing new for me. I also struggle to do even basic shit when i'm manic, which means, no not even doing my work, i have to obtain a insane amount of dish soap because its gonna save me from developing colds (I don't even know, thats what happened once). My paranoia messes with me, especially alone, and it just really makes things scarier for me. Yes, i know there isn't anything to bother me, and it doesn't help me at all.

No. 66043

>>65693
anon at my uni you can take as long off as you want if you finish your quarter. if you pay/get financial aid you can go and if you don't you don't go but can resume later if you pay again later. is that not the case for your school? sorry if it's not and youve been asked a bunch of times but sometimes schools are cryptic af about things that can benefit students and no one finds out important info until it's too late.

No. 66059

>>65871
you dont have to list ptsd, depression, and depersonalization separately when dissociating and depression pretty much come as a package with ptsd. just to make it easier 4 u

No. 66085

File: 1501818491779.png (82.49 KB, 247x249, 1496825161639.png)

>>66011
>bipolar personality disorder

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here and assume most of your labels are self-diagnosed, considering this literally isn't a thing.

No. 66087

Diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, EDNOS, Depression, Anxiety, Dermatillomania. Fun times! I am currently in the beginning stages of having DBT treatment and see a psychiatrist twice monthly for meds and to track my progress or lack of. Life isn't too good for me currently, recent pill abuse left me ill for a number of days with stomach cramps, nausea and sleepless for two nights running. That and my arms are a mess from self harm. Hoping the DBT treatment helps with my reckless behaviour and super low mindset.

No. 66088

i've been struggling with a lot of personal problems and loss and it seems like my depression is getting too hard to manage. i'm getting mood swings and bursts of anger that scare me. the other day i was so pissed off/upset about something that i debated driving into the marsh of the bay (that shit would just ruin my car though, wouldn't hurt me so i didn't). i tried talking to my family and friends about the possibility of having a form of bipolar disorder but my doctor seems to think that i just need more antidepressants. i haven't told him that i stopped taking them entirely.

No. 66089

>>66085
the random
>a form of paranoia
seals it.
you can really tell who has what by the way they talk about it here. same with people who throw around the word dissociation or misspell it as dissassociation lmao. people rarely dissociate.

No. 66092

BPD, GAD, dermatillomania, anorexia, addictions, depression = basic psycho bitch

I think they are all just symptoms of BPD though

Any BPD-chan experienced memory flashbacks when triggered?

No. 66095

>>66089
This. Idk about dissociation. Is it related to DID aka multiple personality? Or do they mean to say depersonalization? Not a mental illness I have exactly because I can avoid it, but smoking weed triggers some bad depersonalization for me and it can last months. Shit sucks. I quit smoking, but sometimes still feel pressured to do it socially. If anyone has coping tips, that'd be great.

No. 66100

>>66095
there's multiple types of dissociation. dissociative amnesia, depersonalization, and derealization with derealization being the most commonly experienced. people COULD have a dissociative disorder on its own, but its most likely due to a bigger underlying problem. dissociation is usually a symptom of ptsd and bpd (unless otherwise specified) and involves some type of deep trauma.
drugs will make you dissociate too of course by taking dissociatives, weed, deliriants, and hallucinogens.
dissociation has nothing to do with DID since DID isnt even real but what people claim the symptom of this roleplaying illness is would be considered dissociative amnesia, the part about "not realizing youre in a different state of mind/alter"

hope that cleared some things up for you.

No. 66101

>>66100
Ah, thanks anon. Very interesting.

No. 66117

>>66092
Yes, often vivid images of my sexual abuse and rape as a young child. It was a very tramatic time and spanned over a year nearly daily from age 6 to 7 by an older girl in my primary school. She would proceed to beat me up and blackmail me so I would do as she said/let her do whatever and not tell anyone. Dragged into the toilet and locked in by her, or she would follow me in and crawl under the stall. So disgusting. I have diagnosed BPD.

No. 66185

Anxiety and addiction. I've no idea where it came from just gradually started becoming anxious in my late teens and have been an addict for 7 or 8 year. I see no way to stop and UK doctors have been useless to me.

No. 66251

>>66117
That sounds awful. Did you ever get any justice for it?

I know personally a big part of the reason I can't get over my trauma is because my abuser was never brought to justice. I feel like that would go a long way towards healing. Because my abuser is out and was never punished, part of me still tells myself it was my fault bc in my fucked up head no jail time = no crime.

No. 66252

>>66251
Also I'm assuming you're from the UK anon. I am as well. I know historic abuse cases can be tricky in the States (due to the statute of limitations) but British police seem pretty happy to investigate older cases. Sounds like your abuser was a sadistic psychopath. Just saying, you could help prevent her from abusing other children/people in the future.

No. 66253

>>66092
BPD chan here, when triggered I dissociate and go numb, or retreat into my head to escape the situation. Unfortunately I get flashbacks at the most random times, and there's no specific trigger, which really sucks as there's no telling where and when they will happen, and often happen in public which makes it hard to keep it together. I could be out shopping or go partying and suddenly I'll get a flashback and suddenly go very quiet/withdrawn and people think I'm being a moody bitch.

One thing I've noticed is I often seek out relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. I met this one guy and he reminded me of my abuser to a T, could have been his twin, and so ofc I was automatically drawn to him and fell for him, hard.

It was emotionally exhausting and very strange, but I guess I wanted to revisit the scenario and play it out and process it until it gave me a positive outcome. Fucked up that I slightly enjoyed it (only bc I knew this guy wasn't my ACTUAL abuser) but I've heard this is very common. All I can say is I'm glad that at least I'm not one of those ddlg freaks who regularly 'gets off' on my trauma. Far from it.

No. 66284

>>66251
No justice. I only just opened up to my parents about it last week - that was hard and very upsetting. But I am glad I told them, even though it was 14 years too late.

No. 66300

Ewww. So many replies.

This thread makes me reevaluate whether I want to be here, on this website.

I don't want to be associated with you lot in any way.

No. 66311

>>66300
sage your bullshit. no1curr

No. 66327

>>66300


>I need to judge ppl to feel better about my shit existence.


Insecurity ahoy! Seems like this is right up your alley anon, why don't come take a seat? We can work on that insecurity of yours.

No. 66356

>>66284
Well done for opening up to your parents, it must have been extremely hard to tell them. It sounds like you're in the early stages of processing and hopefully, recovering. Take it slow and don't force yourself to talk about it if you aren't ready. It might be too early but I'd really recommend professional counselling as it's almost impossible to fix CSA trauma by yourself, and some people's 'coping methods' actually end up making things worse. If you're in the UK ask your GP to put your name down for counselling. It often takes about a year to be seen, but it is worth it.

I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a male family member well over a decade ago and I'm still recovering. It's a long slow process but you deserve to be happy and free from the weight of these awful memories. Good luck anon.

No. 66357

>go to therapist like my psychiatrist recommends
>she has me take a depression inventory
>much more depressed than previously thought

No. 66363

>>66356
I have been referred to DBT and have the assessment next Thursday. I also have monthly visits to the Briefment and Accessment therapist who keep track of my meds and refer me to places; but nothing specifically for CSA. They've only seeked me DBT treatment and in the process of setting me up with a dietician.

No. 66367

>>66363
That's excellent news. Hopefully once you explain the nature of your trauma they will set you up with someone who specialises in this field.

There are some great therapists and some shitty ones, you might have to go through a few until you find one you like, or you might be lucky and get a super helpful nice one first time round. They also let you pick either a male or female counsellor so you're more comfortable (I had to pick female as I was afraid of being alone with unfamiliar men and would have felt uncomfortable talking about the nature of it with a male counsellor)

Funnily enough I actually went to a sexual health clinic (many SHCs offer counselling) through the recommendation of my GP because she knew they would have specialist counsellors who have a lot of experience with CSA cases. So that's another option just in case.

No. 66369

>>66327
What's 'insecure' about not wanting to be around mentally unstable people?
Serious question.

No. 66504

>>66369
Just a mentally unstable person being insecure.

They are really draining.

No. 66514

>finally get the confidence to seek out help after almost two decades of suicide attempts and ideation and multiple unhealthy coping mechanisms
>multiple friends immediately go no contact with me
>family starts harassing me about making them look bad (even though my mother is diagnosed with fucking BPD and posts publicly about how important mental health is)
>therapist waitlists vary from 4 months to 18 months
>psychiatrist waitlists nearly twice that
>can't afford transportation or bills from choosing farther away/out of network psychs
JUST

No. 66521

>>66514
Try to contact social workers and social institutions.
They will take you to the psych ambulance if they see that you really need. Or help to go to a psychiatrist much faster.

No. 66990

>>66514
why not talk to someone online? talkspace and betterhelp hire licensed people who can help you at your own pace.

No. 67016

i'm going to die on a cbt waiting list i think

No. 67041

>>66514
is this a thing in cities to have to be put on a waitlist for a psych?

No. 67084

BPD chan here. Anyone know how to handle when you start to hate and resent your partner?

I want to talk to them so badly but I'm currently ignoring them because they cause me too much hurt and jealousy. I can't even tell them how I honestly feel, because the hurt and jealousy I feel is so irrational and petty and they'd think I was gross/controlling/insane.

My partner doesn't really have time or energy for emotional shit, and already has enough stress at work, so I'm scared if I tell them how I really feel, that will be the last straw and they'll break up with me.

No. 67085

>>67084
>I can't even tell them how I honestly feel, because the hurt and jealousy I feel is so irrational and petty and they'd think I was gross/controlling/insane.

Why is he doing that is causing you to feel hurt and jealous? Even if your emotions feel over the top for the situation, I sincerely doubt they have no direct cause whatsoever.

>My partner doesn't really have time or energy for emotional shit


Then he's not a good partner. Healthy relationships are not one-sided, and if your partner is unwilling to discuss any issues, you're completely in the right to feel angry at him, regardless of your diagnosis.

No. 67088

>>67084
If he cba to discuss things with you then why stay with him? He shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody if he can't handle other stress on top of work stress. Guess what, everyone's stressed at work but we don't brush off the rest of our problems.

No. 67651

I'm 18 and this summer while in the mental hospital I've been diagnosed with chronic depression, borderline personality disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. In the hospital I met a 55 year old man and I've been in a relationship with him for 3 months now, I cannot do anything by myself. I'm in my last year of high school and I cannot focus on any of the lessons and I think my future is fucked.

No. 67711

I really need some help. not really sure what to do, sorry if this is a bit long.
So I’ve started to notice some very unhealthy behaviour that is very often triggered by arguments with my friends and boyfriend. I have been a self-harmer on and off for the best part of 8 years. I have only cut myself around 4 or 5 times this year, but whenever I make someone angry enough to warrant upset or a telling off, I tend to start hitting myself out of pure self-disgust for upsetting people (mostly slaps in the face, or bruising my limbs with blunt objects). I usually am able to do this in private, but I recently got into a drunken shouting match with my boyfriend and instinctively started slapping myself to the point where he had to pin my arms down to stop me from hurting myself.
I need to make it clear that although this sounds terribly cruel, it was not done out of spite. By this I mean, I did NOT start hurting myself in front of him to gain sympathy during the argument, I just got so angry at myself for making him upset with me that I started hurting myself as a reflex response.
We are on ok terms right now. We haven’t seen each other or had a conversation but I messaged him goodnight saying that I love him and he responded by telling me he loves me too and calling me by my his affectionate nickname for me, but told me that he is “really bothered by the other night” and wants some time to himself, and that he will message me when he feels better. I obviously understand and respect his need for space, but I have a feeling that this is less about the argument (which was a petty thing) and more about my unhealthy reaction to the argument. I feel like I must have deeply hurt and upset him by harming myself in front of him. Whenever I have cut myself in the past and he has seen the plasters on my arms he always gets really reproachful because he doesn’t understand why I would want to do that to myself.
Anyway, what I am really here for is advice on how I can talk to him both about my self-harming tendencies as well as what happened the other night. I want to make it clear that there is not really any logic to my self-harm, and that my doing it in front of him was not an attempt to win sympathy but a reflex response, albeit obviously an unhealthy one. I want to SINCERELY apologise for putting him through this, but I also want to help him understand that as a mentally ill person I struggle to stay in control of my emotions.
As a side-note, the day after the argument I booked myself an appointment with a therapist (I am also on medication but it doesn’t really help with this). I fully intend on getting help so that my poor boyfriend does not have to be on the receiving end of my illness.
I’m sorry that this was so long, but I just cannot figure out how to discuss this with him without coming across as self-pitying. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him over my own unhealthy tendencies. Our argument was stupid, and I really escalated it by hurting myself, and I am afraid that I have caused lasting damage to him.

tl;dr self-harm over arguments, did this in front of bf after fight, worried i have scared him and don't know how to apologise

No. 67714

File: 1505778082638.jpg (88.8 KB, 736x1103, 4a0090d04283d1bc1ffd65237c2bb6…)

I think ruined the only chance i had of a meaningful relationship

I raged at a guy im in love with because he is going with some girl.

I went full blown pyschotic episode and called her fat and disgusting and said he could better, cried my eyes out, attemped suicide to get some pity out him but he got sick of my bullshit.

Im currently not in treatment due to being very resistant to medicine in general, my family being very stigmatizing and somewhat abusive.
They don't want to be parents of the crazy kid and back when i was i treatment they wouldn't let me leave the house if they didn't see fit (not really illegal since im Crazy MCpsycho to the law)

Honestly im just thinking i will pull the rope because its unberable.
Its like Im pure Arsenic, i ruin everything i touch.

No. 67715

>>67651
Anon may I ask why you are in a relationship with a 55yr old? Is he a doctor or another worker there?

No. 67725

>>67715
No, he was a patient there. I'm just really lonely and he helps me get around outside because I can't really go outside by myself because of anxiety.

No. 67727

>>67714
It's not your only chance at a relationship, don't worry. Everyone gets more than one chance unless they kill themselves early. Don't kill yourself and you'll find someone else, eventually, okay?

No. 67731

>>67715
do you even have to ask? it's cause she's borderline.

No. 67743

I'm having a really hard time with my mental illnesses. I hate myself so much, I hate the world, I have very few friends, I'm always terrified my fiance is one day going to decide to leave me, and I'm in my mid-twenties but still have no career path. I've also gained 40 pounds since this time last year and am having a much harder time being disciplined enough to lose it. That's my biggest problem, the mental issues and my lacking of discipline are very intertwined. Like, I'll lack the discipline to lose weight because my depression is fueling my desire to eat. I'll lack the discipline to overcome my mental illness obstacles to advance in life. As a result, I'm just a lowly restaurant employee who doesn't even make $15 an hour.

I've struggled with intense depression since I was 7 (when I first started feeling suicidal). I was longing for death the majority of my life until I was with my fiance and wanted to live so I could be with him. But now I have to find a way to get past a lifetime of being a mentally ill train wreck going nowhere in life to get it together for him. We've been together 3+ years and I'm better, but nowhere near where I want to be. I'm starting to fear I'll never get there.

I have no insurance now, so seeing a therapist isn't an option even though I really want to. I've only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I think I have way more extreme things than just that. I haven't been evaluated in some time and I always with old things or lie. I have a feeling if I had a purely honest evaluation, I'd be given a pretty damning diagnosis. That's why I'm never honest.

I'm a pathological liar. I've really toned it down, though. My fiance is the only person I'm 100% honest with, but the first few months we were together I told him some pretty crazy shit to see how he'd react. He reacted the way I had hoped he would, thus passing my fucked up "test" and I then told him everything I lied about. To my amazement, he stayed with me. It actually made him more into me because I think his protection instincts went into overdrive and he became obsessed with "saving me". Our relationship is a lot healthier now, though.

I also make shit up on lolcow and 4chan all the time. Like, I'll lie and say I shared an experience with someone to make them feel supported, or make up some anecdotal story to prove my point. Sometimes I'm telling the truth, but usually not. I really seek a bizarre validation from both these places that I can't explain. I spend too much time here, but it's the biggest outlet I have for my toxicity. I'm so toxic, which is why I have hardly any friends. I'm a good friend to some, but I keep my distance from people to avoid them catching on to just how fucked up I truly am.

No. 67759

>>67725
Ok but, why are you in a relationship with him? Why not just friends? sorry, I hope I am not coming across rude it just seems rather opportunistic of him.

>>67731
>do you even have to ask?
Yes dr phil, we arn't all experts like you.

No. 67777

>>67725
If he were genuinely interested in helping you, he would do so without getting involved with you romantically. Being in a relationship with a 18 year old at his age is inappropriate and disgusting no matter how you frame it.

He is 100% taking advantage of you and there is no excuse for it. This isn't healthy for you and I can almost guarantee your mental health will continue to deteriorate if you continue to stay in a relationship with him.

For fuck's sake, anon. He's old enough to be your grandfather.

No. 67793

File: 1505910638850.jpg (302.66 KB, 2268x1512, Near-Death-Experience_Illustra…)

>>67777
Anon but what am I going to do if I exit this relationship? I have no one, no friends, no family and I'm socially retarded and feel like I have no identity. I do not know how to make friends, I have had a boyfriend before but he left me after a year because of me being mentally ill. I realise how gross it is so that's why I posted about it here since I wanted to talk and get it off my chest. But if I leave him what am I going to do when I will be all by myself again? This is the worst I've been in years I'm afraid I will actually kill myself if I'll be lonely again.

No. 67803

I have bpd but I manage it well. Acting out borderline, not the quiet type. I've done years of dbt. My only issue now is my extreme shame and some depression

No. 67807

>>67793
Not that anon but I would say this. Ask about being his friend, and not in a relationship, because it really sounds like he is taking advantage of your predicament and if he says no then he doesnt really care about you because if he does he would understand and still be your friend. I was in a similar situation (the guy was even older) and please dont take this wrong not judging you or thinking you're gross for me its more concern for you because I can relate.
However I would also say >>67777 is right tho, again talking from experience that in the long run it wont be great for your mental health.

No. 68135

So I was wondering if any of you fellow farmers have experienced the same “symptoms” I have and if you could offer any advice.

To begin with, I've noticed I can't watch any form of media or I immediately feel, well, I don't even know how to put it in words… depressed? The best example I can think of is, not too long ago I watched a romance movie and after it ended my relationship felt weird, uncomfortable, it took me like a week to go back to feeling like everything was normal. Or if I play a game where there’s a party, I immediately feel like going out even though I hate parties. I guess I could say any form of media messes with my perception or reality, but I don’t think I’m disassociating because I don’t feel any fogginess or like I’m not myself. Other than that I can sometimes feel very happy and loving, and after 3 or 5 minutes I swear to god I can feel how the happiness is evaporating and it gets me really stressed, because I wish I could feel like that for a while longer. I also can be very social and then completely cut off people for months.

Idk, I’m desperate, there are only 2 psychiatrist in my town and both are pretty shitty. They asked me what was wrong with me, interrupted me when I was explaining and then told me I was just depressed. I just wish I knew what to do with myself because in those very brief periods of mental stability I have, I can tell that it’s really messing with my life.

No. 68144

>>67793
Oh come on. You're perpetuating your own cycle here. Dump the old dude that you're using to garner sympathy points. You won't die if you're single, people don't owe it to take care of you because life isn't fair, you can be independent and get well and put the work in or you can be a waif and expect people to do everything for you and solve all your problems, but you'll always br disappointed and nothing will ever be good enough. I have borderline too and I get lonely all the time, just by existing, it's not a mechanism caused by other people it's part of the disorder. Stop looking for others to fix you, that's unfair as fuck

No. 68156

>>68144
I'm not looking for others to fix me but as I stated before being alone means all my thoughts work against me. How am I using him to garner sympathy points? I posted as anonymous and it's not like I'm going on the streets flaunting my relationship to get pitty points. I didn't state people owe to take care of me but any human being deserves affection therefore I deserve it too but the person I found is just not completely appropriate for me.
I'm not afraid of being single as not in a relationship I'm afraid of being alone, completely alone because if you bothered to read all my posts I have no family and no friends besides him. I feel lonely because I'm actually really lonely. No reason to get so angery.
>>67807
I asked him and he said yes he hugged me and told me he is sorry if he hurt me in any way and that I should have told him before that I was uncomfortable with a relationship. I visited him this weekend and we had a great time together without getting physicall in any way. I'm glad it turned out like this it motivates me to look at the future from a brighter perspective and think about the possibilities I will have in making friends and feeling the company of people.

No. 68172

>>68156
ok so

>last year of high school

where are you living if you have no family members?
where did you go after the hospital? to the 55 yr old's house???

>i cannot do anything by myself

but also
>people don't owe it to take care of me

if you can't do anything by yourself but don't want other people to take care of you, are you just in a constant state of neutrality… in your HS classroom or.. what

your posts are full of the "waah save me i have nothing i can't feel alone i'm self-destructing someone pay attention to me" content that every person with BPD posts on every forum ever. you do not get better and have a good future by avoiding being alone and avoiding responsibility, and you especially don't get it by filling voids so you can use outward blame as a reason why Life Is Hard. of course i grasp everyone's circumstance is different and i am definitely sorry for your hardships. rising to challenges is how you're going to make yourself a good life, not sitting idly by and repeating comfortable patterns

No. 68177

>>68172
I'm living with my grandparents from my father's side but they hate me and don't even talk to me or look me in the eye. My father went abroad 7 years ago and he never came back he only calls them and also talks to me like twice a year.
They told me they only keep me in the house so I can finish high school but after that I cannot stay in their house anymore. I work a part time job 4 hours a day and I get 150 Euro per month and I pay for my food and sometimes I give them money for the utilities.
>When I said I cannot do anything by myself I actually meant that I cannot deal with social situations by myself.
This is a mental illness thread a lot of posts will sound whiny because people are taking things off their chest.

No. 68181

>>68177
anon you have waaaay more issues than relating to your mental illness, you need to start trying to address those instead of sitting on lolcow.

No. 68184

>>68181
What's up with you? Why are you so angry at this person?

>>67793
Anon, I have this problem too, I'm in a relationship that I'm starting to think that's not good for me, I'm incredibly lonely but I don't have anyone to really talk about it, so I'm afraid I'd be completely alone without it. I understand it completely.
At the same time, as someone who is clinging to something potentially bad, I'll tell you this - please reconsider your relationship. Nothing good can come out of a person who's been mentally ill enough to end up in the ward and who is almost 3 times your age. You need someone closer to your age and someone functioning normally, to help you pull you realize what healthy lifestyle is. If you don't feel like breaking up, at least keep a lookout for some new friends.

No. 68186

>>68184
she's shitting up the thread whining about nothing and piling on to her story with each post. it's super snowflakey and not right for this thread. first she's got mental issues and is 18 dating a 55 year old man out of a psych ward, next she's got no family at all, next she's living with grandparents who hate her and are kicking her out later. She's obviously just trying to get pity points and should fuck off.

No. 68188

>>68177
ok, thanks for the clarification. i understand your situation is difficult and i am sorry to hear that. and from the snippets you posted it seems to me you're stuck in a victim mentality. shitty things happen but life does not owe you back for suffering. your grandparents might hate you but you have a place to live. some people don't even h>>68184
ave that luxury. you might feel you can't do anything on your own or meet people, but you managed to tell some 55 year old you weren't ready for a relationship. some people can't do that. i STILL have trouble doing that, and i am a full grown adult.

i think you can do more than you think, your attitude or views are the obstacles. being alone is instrumental in living a good life. self awareness and self compassion will help you, and that can only happen when you take the time out to sit with yourself.

when you work full time you can probably afford a shared room somewhere for cheap. i really don't know where you are though or how things work. i live in america and min wage sucks and people have to work super hard to get decent pay but it is doable especially if you don't have kids or college debt

>>68184
i'm not that anon

No. 68189

>>68188
sorry i messed up in that first paragraph but you get the deal my computer is annoying

No. 68558

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2013 and it's the fucking worst. Apparently it's comorbid wtih another condition I was diagnosed with in 2009.

This shit has cost me my career and strains all of my relationships. I am the human equivalent of a paper bag. Empty until I fill myself with whatever I'm fixating on this month, then once my foundation weakens everything falls out of the bottom and I start all over again. People think I'm fun and interesting because I am 'passionate' and 'interesting', but in all honesty I am a dumb animal being lead around by my explosive emotions and only 'interesting' because I am constantly hopping from one flight of fancy to another. I fixate intensely on things for brief amounts of time so I'm not even really sure what my true interest and hobbies are. I'm not even really sure of how I feel about the people in my life beyond the vaguest of terms.

I cannot keep money or a job to save my life. Since age 18 I've worked at 6 different places of descending salaries. My last job was in an adult daycare center, and I had to quit after 2 months because I could not stand how the staff treated the people who stayed there. It was worse than the nursing homes I'd work in. My lack of work makes money tight. As soon as I hit a downswing my bank account suffers. I buy myself things I don't need and covet material possessions as if they contain the cure for my broken brain. I cry and bitch and guilt trip and moan to my significant other until he cracks and buys me expensive shit then I turn around and get nihilistic and existential when whatever bauble I've finally obtained doesn't contain the happiness I wanted it for.

My life is about 87% big maladaptive daydream and it has been since about age 5 or 6. I have this incredibly complex, convoluted world inside my head full of characters I've made up. Fortunately I am an artist, so I have the ability to put some of my fantasies to paper but I'm so poor at art that I get discouraged easily. The world my fantasies take place in rotates every handful of years. Right now I'm on my longest 'story' yet. I created around 2010 and I escape there constantly. I only ever exist completely in the real world rarely. Minutes after my dad died I was slipping into my fantasy world, experiencing those feelings as imaginary characters going through the same things. I recently told my partner about how frequently I daydream and it made me feel so embarrassed. I don't think I could go 15 minutes without delving into the thousands of hours long movie going on in my head. I don't even particularly self-insert or identify with these characters. Despite being in my brain, I don't like including myself in these head-movies. No self inserting. Just people I come up with to populate the world in my head. I can't even be normal with my fantasies. Sometimes I act the fantasy scenes out physically (when I am alone) and I almost always imitate the facial expressions or whisper/mouth out the dialog. I've gotten in the habit of writing things down as they come to me. Hopefully some day I can put it to use.

I am also incredibly anxiety ridden. Every few days I believe I have some rare, deadly disease then my body wills symptoms into happening. First it was diabetes (no family history and I am not overweight), then HIV (I've been tested three times and I've been sleeping with the same person for over half a decade), several types of cancer, ulcers, oracular degeneration, COPD, diabetes again, cancer again, brain aneurysms. The worry scares me so bad that I don't even sleep much nowadays. Every time I try to rest I wake up with a start, afraid that I'll suffocate in my sleep. Every little 'thing' is a 'thing' to me. A mole is melanoma. A rash is shingles. Itches are nerve damage. Dry eyes mean I'm going blind. A bald spot is somehow linked to HIV. The anxiety makes me do incredibly odd things, like leave home in the middle of the night and wander towards the hospital or in a random direction. Sometimes I go down to the train terminals and contemplate life. When I had access to a car I used to go on drives as far as my anxiety would allow me, then I'd slowly make my way back home. Whatever reasons I had for doing it made sense for me in the moment, but I feel so retarded afterwards.

On the upside, I've finally kicked my self harm habit. For good this time. As of today I've been sober from cutting, chemical burning and binging/purging for 2 years and 4 months. It's just about the only thing I'm proud of. My body is still covered in very ugly, very obvious scars though. I've learned to accept them but I still get annoyed when people with no tact or home training feel it appropriate to ask why I'm so mangled in public. It's gotten to the point where I just tell them to mind their own business. I'm tired of telling people I have a very mean cat or I got into an accident.

I used to have a problem with pica. Specifically, eating powdered bathroom cleaner, baby powder, baby wipes, chalk, cornstarch and plastic beads. I've kicked the habit for the most part, even though I still get cravings for the detergent when I'm tidying up.

On top of all of this, I have this really weird thing where sometimes my mind just refuses to function. It's hard to explain, but when it happens it feels like my thoughts are water and my mind is a storm drain. They slip right through. I can't even visualize simple concepts in my head. The most I can manage are abstract blurs and shapes in completely white spaces. They look kind of like early Windows screensavers and it last from anywhere from a few minutes to up to an hour. It's been happening to me randomly since I was at least 15 and it terrifies me. It feels like I am literally losing control over my mind.

I used to have a mild speech impediment. I forget what they called it, but I'd repeat the last half of whatever sentence I spoke under my breath right after saying it. I still do it every so often, but for the most part I've trained it out though I do slip up now and again. As of right now, the most I have is a rather easily hidden stutter, which goes fabulously with my motor mouth. I either talk like I'm falling asleep (my mind's drawing blanks mid conversation) or at a mile a minute.

My focus is also shitty. Even if it's something I enjoy doing, it's hell to get me to actually sit down and try and do it for very long. I like a constant stream of changing stimulation, or the same thing over and over. No in-between. I can listen to the same 5 second clip of the same song for hours on end until I feel 'satisfied' or listen to random chatter for 12 hours, only to get intensely uncomfortable when it stops. There's little in-between. I'm so restless, I need to move regularly. Many times a day I go and 'visit' particular parts of whatever building I'm in. I usually fixate on an appliance or a piece of furniture to come back to. Usually a window or the fridge. I'm not actually checking for anything so much as I'm fulfilling some mental desire to do some long, drawn out repetitive motion. It sucks because I'm well aware of how weird I look, getting up every 15 minutes to go look in the cold, turned off oven, or peeking out the living room window. I wish I could stop but when I try to I get so worked up. It's like an addiction.

I hallucinate daily. Most of the time it's just bugs or pictures in my line of sight animating but when I'm especially stressed (or sometimes, randomly) it can be whole people or things. When I was waiting in the sick bay when I was in the military I thought I saw an entire group of people wearing day-glo orange jumpsuits talking in a huddled group. I didn't realize they weren't real until I realized that day-glo orange isn't part of any armed forces uniform. My psychosis is usually visual, but sometimes it's audiovisual or tactile. I hate it when I hear voices whisper not-words into my ears loudly over and over and sometimes I can feel something that feels like a hand grabbing hard at my upper left arm. Also, the fire alarm in my bedroom occasionally turns into a spider. Out of everything I am the most content with the hallucinations. I'd wish they'd go away, especially when they take me by surprise but it's gotten to the point where I can function reasonably well with them. Or maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired of being put on and taken off so many anti-psychotics. I'd like to live in peace with my hallucinations, until they get too invasive.

Despite all of this I highly doubt I am autistic. My mother's husband would tell strangers I had mental disabilities and/or autism so they'd treat me differently, but I grew up normal socially. I was actually quite popular later in school and I never had problems making friends (keeping them, another story) or being social. I'm just an unusual person, and it's getting harder and harder to live with despite my medication and therapy.

No. 68587

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Before Carrie Fisher's death I had hoped to draw strength and inspiration from her example. When she died I told myself that I could and would. Nearly a year on and I haven't.

No. 68588

I have known for months that a guy who lives in my building has been crushing on me. Last night he left a charming note on my door asking me out after knocking on my door several times in the last few days which I declined to answer because…

My sane self knows that I probably should never enter a relationship ever again for the safety of myself and others.

But my BPD self is already fantasising and dreaming (in my sleep) about what could be and rationalising that he has been sent to help me now in my greatest time of need: recently homeless after a bout with cancer and having lost literally everything including my friends and, at times, my will to live.

Did I mention my comorbid Bipolar Disorder?

No. 68607

>>68558
Reading this is pretty funny. I hope I can stay away from people like you.

No. 68613

>>68607
Fuck off.

No. 68624

>>68558
A lot of the things you described was spot on when it comes to myself and my past life. I know what it feels like, right now I’m just working a shitty meaningless job to keep my days somewhat structured. I keep telling others it’s what I do till I figured out the next “big step” , at this point I doubt I ever will. It wouldn’t matter if I died tbh, but oh well

No. 68647

>>68588
If you don't think you should be entering a relationship then don't, but you could always just go on one date (somewhere public and casual like a cafe) and see if you guys have a genuine connection and mention the cancer to see how he deals with that. If you then actually want to give it a shot then leave him a breif letter just thanking him for the date but that you're currently working through the cancer aftermath and managing your bi polar disorder, so you just want to be upfront about those things because you understand that not everybody has space in their life for it. And maybe throw something in about how you would be happy to see him again either as a date or just as a friendly neighbour?

The date might totally suck and shatter your daydreams anyway, honestly the idea that he's knocked on your doors a few times is setting off warning bells

No. 68648

>>68558
There's a fucking lot of stuff here but as a random internet person, I feel you need to sleep more. Lack of sleep exacerbates a lot of health problems, it's no wonder you're physically falling apart

No. 68682

>>68558
>I am the human equivalent of a paper bag. Empty until I fill myself with whatever I'm fixating on this month

Anon, I don’t know if you’re checking this, but you described exactly how I feel as another BPD-feels-beast (and I’ll sage for useless bullshit, but I just wanted to tell you thanks).

No. 68696

>>68647

Thank you for your reply, anon.

He says that he wants to get to know me, to which I feel like replying, "In my current incarnation I am not worth knowing."

My rational self has enough insight to recognise my Borderline- and depression-driven emotional responses and behaviors. I am hesitant to even talk to him because my Borderline self will will amplify connections that are tenuous at best and mold my personality to be the version of myself that best complements him (I do this in all relationships). That part of me is already idealising him as a Sign from The Universe that I am a worthwhile person and that my life is worth living, contrary to the part of me which believes that I deserve to have lost everything in my life. Although having waited three days since his note, the intensity of these thoughts has cooled.

Which self do I heed? I say that while fully realising that such a black/white, all-or-nothing question is Borderline thinking.

Point taken about the warning bells. He could be just as or more dysfunctional as I am!

We live in subsidised decrepit housing for formerly homeless people, most of whom have severe psych, disability, and substance use issues which often feels like an inpatient psych facility combined with a flophouse. My surroundings are obviously not helping my mental state, but like most of the other residents here I am trapped by the vicious cycle of disability and poverty and a reliance on the crumbling system of aid benefits and healthcare in a city with a notoriously high cost of living. Living such a marginal life here is such cruel irony after having always been self-employed in my own ventures.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually died when my life went off the rails and hell truly exists.

I told myself I would text him last night, but I lamed out. I will have to today so as not to be rude, and despite being a shut-in I can't keep avoiding him in the hallways forever.

No. 68701

How do I stop overthinking and overanalyzing everything??? I have bpd which I think is the problem. Whatever I do, I end up thinking so much about it that I get ill: my heart beats fast, I struggle to eat, I vomit, I tense my body until I hurt all over. Mostly I go over and over thoughts of bad things that have happened to me or shit people have said, but sometimes it's mundane shit like thinking about all the people in my city and their depressing jobs and how no one gives a fuck. I feel alienated and I just can't. I can't afford to go inpatient or anything and I don't know how to stop these feelings

No. 68707

>>68701

The dual tortures of rumination and intrusive thoughts: shared by depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, OCPD, BPD, among others. The content of the thoughts varies with the disorder.

CBT and DBT are the long term treatments.

Antidepressants, antipsychotics, and anxiolytics are the immediate and medicalized treatments.

You could try mindfulness techniques on your own.

No. 68742

>>68613
>>68648
Yeah. A lot of people have told me that I should try and fix my sleep schedule. I've always had a bad habit of messing it up once I do find a schedule thanks to my low self control. My husband is good at getting me to sleep at somewhat normal hours, but there's only so much he can do since I'm an adult.

>>68682
No problem. It's good to know that I'm not the only person feeling like this, though I wish none of us had to go through life with an emptiness inside.

>>68613
It's okay, I don't mind people finding humor in my situation (I try to do the same all the time) and I doubt I'd want a lifesucking gawker like that around me anyway.

No. 68755

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I know I'm not okay and I'm not normal. People around me know I'm not normal. My friends used to tell me to see a psychologist but my parents were against it, even though they too think I'm not normal and constantly ask me why I can't just be a normal girl. I've been armchair diagnosed with so many different things but I manage to convince myslef the facets that got analyzed were fake, or were blown up and then ignore the diagnosis instead of going to a doctor for a proper one because I'm scared of living the rest of my life with the label of "that girl with a mental illness". So for now I just live pretending to be sane and normal while having occasional psycho rage bursts, severe anxiety episodes and panic attacks, episodes of severe depression, ticks like pulling my hair out of my head or the skin off my lips, and a plethora of other minor issues that don't show up physically.

No. 68760

I don't even know what's wrong with me right now. I have a history of depression and anxiety, been medicated and now medication-free for about a year and a half, but it's neither of those.
What I feel now is a little different, but I don't know what. It's a creeping laziness, tiredness, inability to finish a task at hand. I'm finding it really difficult to enjoy my interests, particularly fashion. When I get dressed I'll sometimes put on and take off the same outfit three times and stop myself from screaming in the mirror or throwing my clothes because it looks awful on me. I'm always convinced I'm gaining weight (I checked weight and measurements, I'm not). Depression has always been crushing and oppressive for me, this feels more like someone is sucking the life out of me very, very slowly, and it's a numbness sometimes. I can't sleep properly. I wake up after 4 hours and spend the day feeling like death.
I don't know why. Everything is great. My job isn't super-high paying but it's comfortable. I have enough to pay rent and bills, buy groceries, save a bit and buy a treat sometimes. My bf is really sweet and supportive. My family relations are good.

No. 68762

>>68755
Oh boy reading this made me start crying
We're the same girl

No. 68768

I grew up verbally and physically abused and constantly under the pressure of my alcoholic stepdad and enabling mother. I was very depressed and attempted suicide a few times but mostly kept to cutting or pulling my hair out discreetly when alone so as not to draw any attention. I was denied a doctor etc because they insisted there was nothing wrong with me other than being a little bitch. I have a great partner now who wants to marry me and I have a job but honestly I feel numb most of the time, the odd rare time I feel manic and hyper and like I am stuck in that moment forever and the rest of the time I just debate running away and changing my name or killing myself. I'm sick so often that I'm on my last warning before losing another job and I spend all of my free time in bed. Pushing myself outside that box has always just made me have a breakdown. I'm tired of worrying about what my suicide would do to other people, I just want to be selfish and make the fucking ringing in my ears and the act of sentience and having thoughts and worries I just don't give a fuck any more I don't want it

No. 68774

>>68613
I don't want to be around shitty manipulative people

>>68755
Start going to a psychologist

No. 68781

>>68762
I'm sorry anon :( at least we're not completely alone in this.
>>68774
Can't afford it at the moment.

No. 68808

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>>68774
>when you suck so much, you shit flamebait.

No. 69136

I'm worried I have bipolar disorder. I'm 23, so I feel like it would have manifested more by now, but these last couple of months I've felt super ecstatic and energetic, and I'm afraid it's not normal. I don't want to crash and have things end up horribly for me.

This summer, and for a couple of months before that, I was crying spontaneously a lot. I was afraid I didn't have a future, and I had fucked my life up permanently. I was struggling to get basic things done, and just super tired all the time.

Now in the last couple of months, I've felt incredibly energetic and very optimistic about my future. I'm afraid it's unnatural for me to feel this way and I will be crashing back into reality soon.

I also feel bad for putting my friends through my depressive state. I also went from feeling really bad about life to pretty good in the span of about two months, and I don't know if that could be normal.

I'm really hoping that my new mood is because my life really is changing around, and not because I have a disorder. I started university again after taking a break, and I've been meeting a lot of new people and doing pretty well in my classes. I want to continue feeling happy and satisfied instead of sad as I have often felt the last couple of years.

No. 69158

File: 1508203668956.gif (2.21 MB, 500x281, tumblr_otfxb2r89W1sg8kodo1_500…)

hi guys. any /g/irls here have tried seen a psychotherapist? please can you tell me why or what motivated you to do it?

when i was a kid all the way to my teens i was taken to regular therapy. it never did much. i told my mom i wanted to see a different type of professional and she would go "NO! they'll give you meds! you'll get addicted to something! NO! You have nothing to be sad about!". i'm not american, where i live visiting a psychotherapist/or taking medication is seen as
a really bad thing. but i'm fucking tired and i don't care anymore if it looks bad. i want to try it but i'm unsure if its what i need.

to the anons who have tried psychoterapy, why did you start? who would you recommend psychotherapy to? do you think its a good investment? was it better than therapy?

No. 69175

Idk where to put this but…
I had a baby in August and I'm formula feeding and breast feeding.. But i hate breastfeeding. I hate it so much. My son pulls off, I'm tired of leaking milk, smelling like it, having a baby on my damn boob always. It's annoying and after being pregnant for 9m I just want my fucking body back. I'm so depressed and anxious, and i just want to be able to take my anxiety medication and anti depressants w.o worrying about hurting the baby.
I can't even drink kava while nursing.
But everyone makes me feel like a god damn piece of shit mom for even suggesting I feed my child formula only. Who cares about my state of mind, amirite?

Sorry if I didn't post this in the right place

No. 69176

>>69136
That sounds more like schizophrenia rather than bipolar disorder.

No. 69180

>>69176
Say what anon? Could you explain more? You sound like you are trolling. I'm definitely not experiencing some of the classic symptoms of the disorder like hallucinations, flat affect, or delusions of people spying on me.

No. 69181

>>69175
I know the struggle, anon. It really does get easier. Your milk supply will regulate and it won't hurt as much soon. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Formula feed if you think it'll be better for you. Breastfeeding some, as you've been doing, is better than none at all, so it's fine for you to do what you have to do now.

No. 69186

I've struggled with bad anxiety and depression in the pass but I eventually got help for it and got better. That was a couple years go and I feel like it's starting to come back.
I spent almost my entire teenage years depressed and isolating myself, and now that I'm an adult I just feel like I missed out on a lot. The only time I felt like I was making the most out of my Teenage years was my senior year of high school when I would go out all the time and actually enjoyed the company of friends without feeling like they're only hanging out with me out of pity. Most of the girls I hung out with went away to college and lost connect while I'm still at home being a NEET. I only have like 2 friends left and whenever they can't hang out or if I feel like they don't talk to me enough, I feel like they hate me and they're tired of me. It just makes me start isolating myself all over again which is know just makes everything worse. And I know that I'm being dumb and they're just busy, and when I'm with them I can tell they actually like me but my anxiety won't stop.
On top of that my anxiety seeps in to every aspect of my life. I feel so gross and untouchable, like my body is diseased. I hate myself more than I have ever hated anything. I feel so pathetic and want to kill myself most days.
I try everything to make me feel better. I eat healthy, I exercise, I keep a semi-consistent sleeping schedule and try not to sleep too much, I try to go out with friends at least once a week, but I just feel like I'm steadily getting worse.
I know I should go back to therapy but I hate amitting the shit that gives me anxiety most of the time because I know that it's dumb and I shouldn't feel anxious about it.
Idk, I'm just so tried of being like this, but feel like my anxiety and poor mental health is inescapable.

No. 69188

>>69175

You're not alone, anon. I've never had a kid, but I lived with my sister a few years ago to help her through the first year, and she had the exact same issues–and the same shame over feeling that way. She really beat herself up over it not being this magical perfect bonding experience like everyone said it should be. There's nothing wrong with formula. My sis used it after the fourth month–she'd been trying her hardest not too, but she was in so much pain and so tired and frustrated, and you know what? The baby was fine and she probably should have done it sooner. And like the other anon said, after a little while longer, it really did get better. Obvs the baby is important, and you want to do what's best for them–but sometimes what's best for them is taking care of your own self.

Random rec, but maybe check out Lucy Knisley on Insta? She's a cartoonist who had her first about a year ago and if you scroll back, she made a lot of comics about having a VERY similar experience with the first few months/recovering from birth/breastfeeding not being amazing and easy. My sister found a lot of comfort (and humor) in her work.

Good luck, anon. You're doing just fine.

No. 69247

Any farmers that have misophonia? I saw that someone had posted about it almost a year ago but the post count has reset since then and theirs is the only post that mentions it, so I'm not sure they ever got any replies.

I didn't even know it was a Real Thing™ until earlier this year, I thought maybe I was repressing a memory or something and that was why some sounds (spit, breathing, stirring macaroni, etc.) made me physically uncomfortable. I can feel it, all up the right side of my neck and sometimes if it's strong enough on the side of my head behind my ear. Like someone's breathing on me. I get really angry and tense, I can feel my pulse increase and sometimes am so hyperfocused on the sound that I don't realize I'm digging my nails into my palms or crushing something that I'm holding.

I've read it's either a chore or almost impossible to get a diagnosis, since it's relatively recently been accepted as a disorder and a lot of doctors aren't educated on it? I'm not sure of how true that is, it's just what I've read online. I don't really know how to begin looking for a doctor and I'm scared to talk about it because I feel like it sounds like I'm making it up. I don't have time and money to waste to be called a liar.


The coworker that sits on my right (of course) has the most spit in her mouth out of any person I've ever met and is incapable of eating or talking like a normal fucking person. She brought popcorn to her desk one day and I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry, I could taste stomach acid welling up in my throat.

I can barely focus on my work because I can hear her fucking smacking over my goddamn headphones and all I can think about is squeezing her fat fucking neck until her disgusting fucking throat collapses.

No. 70559

>>69247
Anon… I feel your pain so much. Living with my mother was an absolute pain when I still lived in my parents house because she's in a wheelchair and the sound that her wheelchair makes made me SO angry. God. It's really distanced me from my mother, which I hate. I wish I could do something about it. I really do. I have other trigger sounds too, like chewing sounds, but my mother's wheelchair is my worst one.

I get so angry that sometimes I get turned on. I've looked into it and other people with misophonia experience the same thing, they say it's a coping mechanism your body has under extremely stressful situations. It is so embarrassing.

No. 71228

Does anyone here have BPD? Any advice on how to cope with episodes?

I'm kinda functioning at the moment but I have emotional meltdowns all the time (at worst a few times a day, at best once every 2-3 days). They usually involve me getting worked up over something shitty my boyfriend/friend/house mate did, sometimes I completely overreact because it will set off a domino effect in my mind, like they'll do something small and I'll end up thinking about when they did something really hurtful before. I have got better at not lashing out at other people, but I'm still left with intense emotions and I don't know what to do as self harming is becoming less helpful.

I'm not allowed to do DBT/CBT stuff as I'm in psychotherapy at the moment and I know therapies aren't supposed to be mixed (I know I should probably be in DBT anyway, but only psychotherapy is offered in my area)

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks

No. 71232

>>71228
BPD anon here. I learnt to cope with them by recognising that they were irrational, pointless, and ruining my life. I verbalised that to other people (boyfriend being the main one) and then acted on this knowledge by allowing myself to feel that way but never doing anything about it. It's taken me 2 years but now I rarely get episodes, and when I do I can usually get a handle on it pretty quickly.

I'm sorry I don't have a magic fix, but all you can really do is stop giving your feelings so much power. Yeah it sucks to feel that way, but you're in charge here. Hope I've explained that properly, and without sounding like a dick haha.

No. 71239

>>69247

I have this with specific slurping sounds and animals licking themselves. Cats are usually fine but dogs drive me insane. I've learned to control my anger over the years but I can't sleep in the same room as a dog without being kept up all night.

I used to get yelled at as a child because I couldn't stand being near my parent when they ate. They thought I was being a little shit and didn't understand that it was genuinely torture to have to sit there and listen to them make eating noises.

No. 71278

>>70559
Another anon with misophonia here, probably the one who made that post one year ago (i vaguely remember talking about it here before)

can relate to the getting turned on thing, i'm glad people talk about it so I feel less like a freak for it
don't give in to it as a coping mechanism, thanks to that shit i've developed a fetish for coughing.. there's recordings for that on youtube. i hate myself so much more now

No. 71288

Another misophonia anon. I'm concerned about how me almost constantly having headphones on will affect my hearing in the long-term. Sometimes I hear a ringing in my ears but it goes away after a couple seconds.

No. 71289

Ive never been diagnosed with anything but lately i literally can't stop thinking of suicide. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because of my kids. I couldn't bear to leave them without a mother. I sometimes (like today) wake up and feel something is off, and it's like the entire fucking day ends up being a long drawn out panic attack. And I try not to think about it because if I do I really start snowballing and get physically sick and kind of freak the fuck out. Today was one of those days. I'm already in bed for the night but my heart is still racing.

No. 71290

>>71289
Please go and speak to someone about how you feel. Your kids need you, and you deserve to feel okay in life. I hope you work out what’s wrong soon, anon.

No. 71308

Misophonia?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

This thread should be merged with the munchies thread in /snow/. You are the same.

"I get dizzy/nauseous/tired oh God I have POTS/EDS/fybro, everyday life is soooo hard for me unlike for you!"

"I get scared/sad/angry oh God I have anxiety/depression/bipolar everyday life is soooo hard for me unlike for you!"

You're both just seeking sympathy and attention. Fuck off. Get stronger quit trying to get coddled.

No. 71323

>>71308
>being this mad at misophonia
Anon did someone once tell u ur an annoying chewer? Kek

No. 71348

>>71308
>complaining about people discussing their mental health in a mental health thread

No. 71474

I have a kinda personal mental health vent thing idk.

There's always a ton of people behind things like depression where it's like this Army of Defenders going "you can't say that because he's depressed, don't be mean because she's depressed"

But when it comes to a lot of anxiety or paranoia it's just like "can you hurry up and get over it because you're really fucking annoying me" "get over it, I'm done babysitting you"

And that shit hurts so much, because it's the same thing. It's your brain fucking you over and you're trying to live with it and at any moment your brain can just warp reality around you.

If it's not this silent suffering thing, people are so fast to just lose it with you and become angry and annoyed and treat you like you're this burden.

And at the end you're just left feeling like it's completely your fault no matter what happens, if you have an anxiety attack for an hour or get it under control in a minute. It's like no amount of trying counts for anything, you're just an inconvenience.

No. 71476

>>71308
kek reminds me of my mum trying to diagnose me with a bunch of random bullshit. she was a loud chewer in the worst way so now i have misophonia i guess

No. 71477

I lost a game of hearthstone today and got really pissed at it (bullshit game) and i was ranting to a friend about it and they suggested i might be a sociopath. so i look it up and i have some of the symptoms, lol. I do think I have some amount of empathy so theres no way im a sociopath, but i dont know what to do about my giant ego. i cant play anything competitive, losing has always just fucking destroyed me. this extends to my relationships and jealousy because well, if he looks at another girl, im LOSING and WORTHLESS and thats just not really something you can ever avoid?

its fucking weird. I don't think im a narc because I can admit to my huge ego, and I do have insecurities (sometimes i think covering up these insecurities with inflated confidence has led to my ego becoming this big)

idk anons. all i can do is avoid anything that compares me, skill or looks wise, to other people, because it destroys me in a very irrational way.

No. 71536

i wish i could stop being paranoid and thinking all my exes are plotting to ruin my life. i also wish i could see certain facial gestures and not think that the person is trying to send a message to me.

No. 72156

I feel like having bpd is a good enough reason to off myself. My life has been shit since I was a kid and I don’t see it stopping. There’s a fuck ton of parts of my life that are awful but it all stems from bpd. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live a good life if I have it. There’s entire websites and boards and articles and shit that talk about how evil we are, say were a lost cause, and warn people to avoid us like the devil. I can’t blame them. I end up turning into an emotionally abusive piece of shit when I’m mad. I can’t blame everyone who’s left me. I don’t understand why I am this way. I spent years getting professional help but I’m still just a fuck up. This sounds “edgy” or whatever, but I’m functioning off 4 hours of sleep after a breakdown last night. I wish I could word it better but right now I can’t. Im The type of borderline who’s self aware and shit and it fucking sucks. I know I’m stupid and crazy and awful. It’s just how my brain works. I overreact and I know it’s an overreaction but I lack the ability to actually stop overreacting. I wish more than anything I could make it all just stop. I’m going to break up with my boyfriend in the next week. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I want to withdraw from everyone and hope the lonliness on top of everything else is enough to throw me over the edge. I hate myself for hurting everyone I love. All Ive ever wanted was a healthy relationship with literally anyone but I’ve never found it. I don’t think I can if I’m like this. I don’t want to be alone but I can’t let myself hurt everyone else anymore. I don’t fucking know what I’m doing anymore. Im just going to go back to bed.

No. 72167

>>72156
i understand how you're feeling anon as i've written something scarily similar to this out a thousand times, it’s weird how literally all of what you just wrote feels so familiar to me

so many people with bpd have similar experiences which i’m sure you already know. you are not alone, there are places you can go to talk about it or even just rant a little
bpd tumblr is pretty cancerous but i found some helpful advice through certain forums and the bpd subreddit

and honestly try to ignore the negative stigma, it was hard for me to deal with that at first too.. i find that a lot of people writing that shit online are either uninformed/uneducated about bpd or have been hurt by someone with bpd in the past and are bitter about it.

it can be hard to differentiate between what is you and what is the illness sometimes. if you’re self aware then you should be able to reflect on the things you have done/said and realise it’s not you that's just like an inherently shit/bad person, it’s the illness.. i'm not one of those people who believe that we are lost causes, we can get better it's just really fucking hard

sleeping helps me when I feel like harming myself in some way (physical or not), i hope it helps you too.

however, if you wake up and still feel this way then reply to this and we can discuss it further if you want to (either here or somewhere else), i think that could be beneficial for both of us

No. 72197

>>72156
Anon, you mention that your 'life has been shit since [you] were a kid", do you have a history of childhood trauma?

I don't know if it will help you, but if this is the case (and for anyone else who may be erroneously diagnosed as having BPD when you had traumatic developmental years), I urge you to read about c-ptsd and allostatic load. Reading and understanding these things totally changed my life (on top of lots and lots of therapy, mind you), and it really helped shape the way I cope with feeling out of control/feeling like there is no.. ceiling? To how I am feeling (if that makes sense)

I will never be asymptomatic but there is a way to manage your symptoms and not be this kind of destructive force in your own life and the lives of others. I was for a long time and I'm getting better and better every day. Good luck.

No. 73085

Things have been so much better lately.

No. 73089

I am at a point where my depression has just become my life and i cannot imagine what is like living normally.
I honestly cannot even see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, i did a while ago, i thought, hey maybe if i get treatment i will improve, but treatment has done nothing for me, i am just as shitty as i was and all my hopes of being normal have been crushed.
If even actual help and treatment doesn't help me at all, what is there left for me?
Honestly, i feel like just ending it at this point rather than living with this garbage of a condition while rotting away through the years closed off in my house, because at this point even waking up seems like a chore.

No. 73093

>>73089
I don't have much to say except I feel like you took those words right out of my head. I don't have any advice or know what to do either, it feels so bleak. I'm just thinking about the good times in life and how maybe that's worth the pain. I want to go out into the world and not give a shit and be happy. But it seems ever impossible right now. I will be happy eventually, even if it comes and goes. I have to believe even though it seems farfetched. I don't know you, but I'd genuinely sad if you weren't on this earth anymore. One less person who understood that bleak pain even when they've grown past it. I hope you stay, so you can grow.

No. 73099

>>73093
>>73089

Not sure it will help you but I had a breakthrough that made me feel better.

It probably will sound stupid but I feel much more free and less bad when I realized I can kill myself, and I can do it whenever. It's like having control over something.

I also had a moment where i was half asleep imagining me yelling at myself for taking everything too seriously and being too uptight, which has helped too honestly. I am slowly starting to enjoy things genuinely and getting into crafts even!

Depression is so hard, it's like you just sit there letting things pile up, responsibilities, chores, even hobbies and fun things, life in general.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and sleep and not do anything, but I roll out of bed because I have to, and then I think maybe today will be better? But even if it's not I can just end it when I feel like it.

No. 73113

File: 1515642796334.jpeg (31.78 KB, 512x389, image.jpeg)

>tfw you gamble mixing alcohol and medication

I know the risk but I just can't find it in me to care. I've gotten to a point it isn't really depression anymore but dreading my own existence. My whole young adult life is pretty much gone, I didn't have much of a fun teenage life. So ehh, I can kinda tell how my normal adult life will be.

No. 73122

I was reading the Holly Brown thread and someone brought up how they see a lot of her self-destructive behavior as symptomatic of ADHD (or autism). A person I follow also recently began talking about seeking a diagnosis for hereditary ADHD and the signs they feel reflect that diagnosis.

I always chalked up most of my extreme behaviors and thought processes to depression, but a lot of them were better explained by what people were describing as symptoms of ADHD.

How do I look for adult ADHD diagnoses in the US? I have zero idea about how mental health is handled compared to a regular physical check up.

No. 73130

This is going to feel dumb to type out. I’ve got really terrible anxiety, it’s something I work really hard on every day and I’ve made some strides. Recently though I was on my boyfriends phone and saw that he’s following this account that just posts random photos of gorgeous naked/half naked women. I don’t know why it’s making my anxiety peak like how it has. I’ve just been crying every time I go to shower or look at myself in the mirror now. Usually I wouldn’t give a shit about this, and I don’t want to bring it up with him out of fear of being controlling. He’s a human being, he’s allowed to find other women attractive, but godamn I just feel like dog shit because of it.

No. 73132

>>73122
go through psychology today and narrow it down by issue in the side-bar. Then read the descriptions of the doctors and see if you can find someone that mentions being a specialist in ADHD.

I would be careful, though. A lot of psychiatrists and therapists will fuck you up worse than you were when you got in. There aren't a lot of good ones. Read profusely about the treatments and medications they offer and their risks and benefits before you go into it.

No. 73137

I've been struggling with some "inner demons" for a while ago. I don't want to say I'm depressed or something because I didn't go to a therapist (in my country mental health is super bad and/or expensive) and because in my family mental health is seen as either you are batshit crazy or you are sad but just that.
I recently knew that my father had BPD (he is dead) and now I know why he was so abusive to my sibling and me, and I'm feeling very paranoid about giving a name to my breakdowns.

No. 73143

>>73130
This exact thing happened to me with my now fiance. Boyfriend at the time. It honestly killed me and I very nearly ended it. The only thing that semi helped was bringing it up and arguing with him about it. Because it's honestly disrespectful. You shouldn't put yourself down for being hurt, anon. Maybe you can bring it up with him and let it know that it genuinely made you sad. It won't undo it, but it can make him cop on and realise he needs to make sure that he always makes you feel like you're number 1.

No. 73149

>>73143
I’m KIND of in agreement with this anon, you should definitely talk about how it affects you, but I don’t think you should do it like he’s done something wrong when he hasn’t.

I used to be super insecure and not want my boyfriend to look at other women at all, but it’s human nature. Some do it more than others, and maybe more than they should in some cases, but everyone does it to some extent.

Instead you should work on improving your self esteem so that you don’t feel the need to constantly compare yourself with others and feel more ok with your body. And, bonus, with better self-esteem it’ll be easier to tell if there IS an issue with the relationship. But mostly the talking thing.

No. 73184

Okay, this will be a bit chaotic, but bear with me, please
I'm so confused about my mental health right now… I finally admitted that it's time and saw a therapist after a real bad depressive episode, she landed me a bipolar 2 diagnosis and some meds, but I'm somehow still sceptical if it's the right diagnosis at all.
The thing is, I was too ashamed to tell her that I'm struggling with compulsive skin picking and it's been going on for 8 years now. It all started with terrible intrusive thoughts in my teens and this is how my mind decided to cope, I guess. I've had a period of intense hand washing and ideas of germs and dirt and stuff, my hands were permanently cracked and bleeding, but it kinda stopped? I have some intrusive thoughts still and they aren't nearly as bad as before, but picking got worse for some reason. It wasn't until recently that I learned that this could've been OCD all along, and this made me wonder: can it produce bipolar-like symptoms? I mean, my confidence fluctuates quite a lot depending on how bad my skin is, if I'm trying to heal it and contain myself from picking for awhile and how anxious I get, if I engage in sexual situations and feel pretty and desired, if random people get a glipmse of my arms and start asking questions… May all this stuff actually make me prone to reccurrent depression, rather than the actual bipolar? Is the feeling that you can do anything in the world and have a lot of amazing ideas really hypomania or just a feeling of being normal and productive? Can this stuff actually be comorbid (I've read it's pretty damn rare)? Gosh it sounds stupid, but I want to dig around a bit until I can actually see my therapist next time, if I'll have enough courage to bring it up with her. I don't want to sound stuck up in my ass just doubting her initial diagnosis for no reason.
Maybe someone here has similar experiences?

No. 73402

I am so tired of feeling completely grey. I am so tired of gritting my teeth together so hard on a daily basis that they constantly hurt. I am so tired of rehashing past situations in my head when it's the last thing I want to do. I live in a first world country with a mental health system ranked lower than some third world countries and have gotten so many shitty half added 30 minute diagnoses. All I really know is that I have severe anxiety, depression and I truly feel like my anxiety borders on that type of ocd where you constantly have to think of bad things that could happen to you. I am on 200mg of sertraline a day for the past year and I thought it was working at the start but now I feel shit except I don't have outbursts. I don't cry or break down in that way. But I will call in sick to work for weeks and lie in bed staring at the wall because it feels safe. I will eat oven fries and chicken for 3 months straight and recently had a stint where I didn't go to the second floor in my house for 2 months full stop and just lived in the bedroom. I have lost many jobs and have one now but have just been out for a week. I have an amazing supportive partner and have tried many doctor visits and medicines and nothing is working and it feels like the stress from never feeling better is building up like dust in my brain and I wish I could blow it like a DS cartridge. Talking to therapists doesn't make me feel better either. Eating is the only thing that temporarily helps and I have gained about 2 stone in a few years since I left my abusive home. Nothing is helping and I'm tired of trying. I won't kill myself because I could never do that to my partner or put him through that situation, but I am switching off so much lately and just grey. I'm tired guys. I truly thought when I was younger that diagnosis was 100% accurate and that once that was over, that treatment was hard but straightforward. It's not. I never know if it's going well or if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm feeling mediocre or bad. Every thing is muddled like soup with a thick film on it and I'm so tired of worrying about absolutely everything and having panic in my veins waiting to explode at any second

No. 73414

File: 1516080105879.jpg (69.69 KB, 480x487, Cej0F0hWwAAnICQ.jpg)

Another bpd-chan here. Fml, right

I'm 23 and have been addicted to cutting for 9 years.

I just wish it could stop. I feel shameful because it's a stereotype that only teenage girls cut.

I crave it, I like seeing wrist cutting crap in anime, I have always enjoyed the way scars look.

It's like the edgy phase wont fucking end and I honestly just want off the ride.

I'm having alot of trouble.

No. 73416

I am bulimic as fuck and my teeth are absolutely destroyed. The side of one of my back teeth cracked to the point where I can see down into the filling that makes up 80% of the tooth.
And yet, I am eating and puking my feelings constantly.
I kept doing the "it's really not that bad" thing and then I realized I can't stop. I stay up all night eating. Even typing this out just sounds so stupid.

No. 73435

File: 1516117206287.jpeg (107.63 KB, 540x579, AE037C59-7550-4DC2-8579-7CB7DB…)

Depression due to being left with a pedo for years when I was younger

BD I fight being agoraphobic almost every day and have social anxiety

If I hadn’t found Lolita/jfash I would have probably jumped of a bridge.

No. 73445

File: 1516126963709.jpg (269.03 KB, 1095x1195, 1408566710875.jpg)

>>49363
I just keep trying therapy but it never works, everyone I've gone to either clearly has no idea of what they're doing or try to push me in some weird direction. Should I keep trying or is it all bullshit? Now that I've moved out I feel like I need someone sort of keeping an eye on me, even in a professional sense. I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD, with a suicidal depressive episode a few years back but I still feel like there's something else deeply wrong with me. I have these weird bursts of rage and get very suspicious of other people, I had to turn all the pictures on my walls around because I felt like they were watching me and don't recognize myself in the mirror a lot of times. I've had audio hallucinations occasionally but was brushed off by my last psychiatrist when I brought it up. I feel like as a young woman they don't take a lot of things seriously, they keep trying to spin a narrative about daddy issues and family problems that isn't there at all and if I bring up anything outside the realm of anxiety they change the subject quickly.

No. 73446

>>73445
OCD anon here and I have similar issues.

I get bursts of obsessive thoughts about a specific thing (controversial medical procedure) as well as just sititng around not doing anything for huge tracks of time because i forget to for hours. and a few therapists i've spoken to are more concerned with defending defending the procedure and making me "understand" it's not an issue. as if it matters what it is and not what's affecting me. I've also had the 'family' route thing done and it annoys me to no end. No, I don't want to talk about my mom, I just want to stop having invasive thoughts about mutilation, and wanting to kill my boyfriend because i feel he's been made 'impure'.

No. 73879

>>73149
>>73149
Thank you for the advice, anons.
He could tell something had been bothering me and asked me what was up. I sucked it up and told him those accounts made me feel inadequate. He told me that he was happy I talked to him about it, and that he wanted to respect my feelings. He unfollowed them without me even asking! I don’t deserve him, my anxiety makes me forget how empathetic and understanding he is. But you guys are right, I need to work on my own self image. Thats this years goal :)

No. 73905

Any other anons cutters? I'm 26 so I know I need to grow up and stop pretty soon but I lose the motivation the minute I start feeling shitty about myself.

No. 73908

>>73905
I was until about two years ago, had a few small mess ups after that but haven't done it at all in about a year. More than anything else it was truly imagining how retarded I would feel in the shower the next day cleaning them. That shame would pop into my head when I was considering it and I would just be like oh god why bother. It sounds cliche but if I actually put time aside preferably before bed and write or text a long paragraph of everything I'm upset about then go to sleep it really helps. It sounds like bullshit but when I actually do it, it's great.

No. 73979

File: 1516831258290.gif (970.56 KB, 500x374, 1516133954595.gif)

Off the booze since saturday now! Not gonna completely cut it out but im gonna try to limit drinking to once or twice a week since i can feel it actively fucking me up after this level i've been drinking since this fall (drinking 4-5 days a week). Gotta cut back/stop smoking too but i only do that when im drunk so it kinda goes hand in hand.

No. 74000

>>73905
It’s not that you’re immature for cutting anon, someone needed to teach you healthy coping tools years and years ago.

What else besides cutting (and ideally without drugs or alcohol either) makes you feel better? I know there’s likely nothing that feels AS good in terms of emotional relief but there’s gotta be something that helps ease the feelings that precede cutting.

It’s a whole process of finding things that help you to handle those emotions without harming yourself. Even if to begin with it’s something that causes less harm than cutting does, and progressing onto healthy mechanisms.
It’s not about maturity anon, your brain has latched onto the thing that gives the most good chemicals in response to an influx of negative emotions/bad chemistry. You can’t grow out of an addiction of sorts.

Make a list of everything that makes you feel good that isn’t self harming and just see how many of them you can try before the urge to self harm becomes overwhelming. If you do end up cutting, keep the phone nearby and first aid gear just in case.
Do you have anybody you could contact to talk things out when you’re in that headspace? Even a suicide hotline. (You don’t have to be actually suicidal they will talk to you if you want to hurt yourself but not die)

How’s your wound care btw?

It’s possible you need an antidepressant if you don’t already take one that works.

No. 74103

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>>74000
>>73908

Thanks for your considerate responses anons, and for not taking the piss.

Exercising usually makes me feel loads better but when I do cut, it would be late at night (insomniac) when it wouldn't really be safe or appropriate to take a walk up the road. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone about it, mostly because of the age thing. I'm reluctant to see the doctor either because it just feels absurd to walk in and be like, 'so uh, yeah. I'm cutting could you give me some pills'

Writing everything out when I feel the impulse sounds like a really good idea actually, it never occured to me. I'll definitely give that a go.

No. 74177

>>74103
Hi anon <3 I cut myself for years and eventually my shitty coping mechanisms evolved into heroin addiction. I don’t want to tell you it’s going to get that bad, but you choose your “bottom” so to speak. When it’s enough for you, it’s enough! I definitely get bored and fed up with living clean from cutting, booze, drugs late at night and the only solution I’ve found is to exhaust myself during the daytime so I sleep well at night. Plus I have to put my phone somewhere where I have to get out of bed to turn off the alarm, as long as I don’t get back in bed (make your bed ASAP, it’s a great start to being healthy and having a routine) I feel like I’ve accomplished something! It sets a good start for me anyway. Good luck!!

No. 74210

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Anyone else suffering from substance abuse, bipolar II, binge eating disorder, AND borderline personality disorder? Without medication, I'm loony, manic, and a complete slut, but thank God for mood stabilizers.

I'm currently undergoing psychoanalysis and so far it's going very well, even though I wish I had a male analyst.

No. 74228

I had a car accident a week ago. I had a panic attack and ending up self harming (punching self/pulling hair). I was a mess and deeply ashamed. My step mom told me I was immature for doing so, have rage issues, and that I needed different meds since she never seen this from me before.

I feel really stressed and unhappy about the situation. I have some really bad coping mechanisms and was diagnosed with PTSD (from childhood) a year ago and about a month ago my doctor was concerned I had PTSD symptoms from an assault I had about 9 months ago I have been avoiding dealing with. (On top of anxiety and depression). I went on anti-dep/anti-anxiety for the short term a few months ago, now I feel pressured to stay on them to be normal. This last week I have been so unemotional because of the amount of anti-anxiety meds Ive been on just to prove I'm stable.

Outside of talking in therapy, I don't know what to do. Every time I try to talk to my family, they talk to me like I don't understand my own fucked up issues. I can't not talk about it and I can't be open; I feel trapped and I hate I can't take control fast enough. The way I handle things is not healthy all the time, I understand; I am becoming more aware as to why and have been working on changing. I just can't change fast enough. I just want to be in a place without medication.

**This is not saying medication is bad or not useful; for me, it's what I want long term for myself.

No. 74257

I have no idea if I have a mental health issue or if this is just how I am but I’m just so tired and frustrated that I wish I could either function like a normal person or just not exist at all. I detach myself from people so easily, last year I broke off a 6 year relationship and the only thing that bothered me was that I kind of felt bad for my ex because there was nothing wrong, we barely ever fought, and I wasn’t unhappy but I wasn’t happy either. I decided to end it because it was starting to become really difficult to act normal. I don’t precisely dislike people, but I prefer watching videos (I love vlogs) instead of actually interacting with them. When I get close to someone at first it’s nice, but after a month or two I get this really weird feeling where I feel disgusted at them for no reason. I feel the same way towards my parents. I want to take part in life like everyone else, but no matter how hard I’ve tried I just seem to be missing something.

No. 74272

>>74177

Thanks anon, I hope you're getting all the help and support you need with your drug issues. And if not, definitely start reaching out to the networks that can potenially lay the groundwork for it. You deserve a better life than that!

All the best.

No. 74359

>>74257
You’re sound like you’re depressed, you need to talk to a therapist.

No. 74368

i don't know if i'm mentally ill anymore or if this is just me.
i'm always sad. i always think life is not worth living. i fantasise about death. everything is really bleak and i don't understand how people carry on their lives like it isn't all pointless and terrible.
i got sectioned when i was 17 after i tried to break my jaw with a hammer. i had bdd and not the "weh i think i'm a bit fat" kind, i mean the psychotic wreck kind. i got better at hiding the self harm and stuff and since i came of age the services don't bother me. but now i'm left alone nobody's telling me it's bdd and now i'm just hideous and disgusting and alone and i'm always checking, adjusting, feeling sick, hiding myself. i hang on to the idea that maybe it's not that bad and i've still got bdd but maybe i truly am hideous and shameful.
the self harm mostly stopped as i got older but it's the picking that's getting to me now, infections under the skin where i've been squeezing something or scratching. if i don't have some kind of outlet i get migraines and my ibs goes mental.
hellish existence. feel sick or blind or tired or hopeless always. don't remember the last time i felt happy or optimistic.
i long for the day that euthanasia is freely available to people like me. the sanctity of life is a total meme.

No. 74401

>>74368
Wish I could hug ya, anon. I know it will mean nothing but I assure you that's absolutely your bdd poisoning your thoughts. Do you take any medication or see a therapist? I used to self harm a lot and pick like a motherfucker and what helped me wean off it was actually getting a lil addicted to the popping subreddit and watching people pop spots. There would be such good ones that when I found myself picking at my skin I'd think, why do this when it won't give a nice satisfying crunchy pop, let's just watch videos instead.
I know you said services don't bother you but I find with bdd it's important for your sanity to see a counsellor etc if you can, otherwise these draining thoughts will linger. Oh also what helps me when I'm in bed for weeks tired and nauseous and dying of IBS has honestly been a combination of Sims and Pinterest.i torrent the sims 4 every time a new pack comes out and playing it gives me a little productive feeling cause I'm running an organised little family and it just comforts me a bit. And I like to pinterest dumb things like girly diy beauty masks or scrubs or makeup looks, something that I can physically do that takes time, involves hygiene usually, and can give me a reason to get up and usually makes me feel nice.
Sorry for ramble but these specific things keep me going and I hate to hear you would opt for euthanasia because you sound like an eloquent and very smart person and you don't deserve bdd pushing you down. <3

No. 74429

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I have 'long-view' depression. In the short term I feel mostly fine and don't want to kill myself but when I start thinking decades into the future I just don't see the purpose of living.

Like maybe I'll kill myself in my 40s or 50s and if I'm lucky I will have a husband that will suicide pact with me.

I don't know if this is a good idea to bring up with a therapist.

No. 74442

>>74429

In my experience the more effort you put into being alive the less you want to lose it/the less reckless you are.

I wouldn't even skydive now as I've put so much planning and effort into my future and being healthy.
What will happen is you'll either have effort and achievements you don't want to lose, or when you get sick you won't try to get better and death will get you that way. It seems like a sorta passive acceptance of death rather than a wish - basically what I'm saying is as you get older you may not feel so passive about it.

No. 74632

>>74442
I hope this is true for me too, I mean ideally I wouldn't have to die. Its weird but the fact that we all eventually die kind of makes living seem oddly pointless. I'd rather not feel that way.

No. 74656

>>74632
omg i can't get over this thought process either. what's the point if we gon die? ugh.

No. 74663

>>74656
I feel this way too, started thinking like this 2 years ago. I can't think any differently and it's really messing me up.

No. 74664

>>74656
>>74663

I think the same. It's weird to look at people that are not even thinking about it and do their job everyday, to rest on the weekend, and then work again, again and again to just…die in the end ?

50+ years of work and bills, to just die ? What for ? I just don't get how people don't see how pointless it is.

I think I don't want to realize my goal just because I'll have no reason to live after that.

No. 74665

I've been having a physical stomach illness issue and it had me out of work but now my depression has really amped up and I haven't gone back. I can't face it at all. I hate doing a shit call centre job where I get yelled at daily to make barely above minimum wage and lose absolutely all of my sanity. My wages don't even pay for the cbt or whatever that I need and work depressed the ever living fuck out of me. I would give anything to get a camper van or something and live in it like the ridiculous hippie ass bitch I am, but my fiance doesn't feel the same way on that.
He always says he is ok with supporting the two of us if it helps me mentally get better, it seems possible on his wages but we both spend money on stupid shit when I have been out of work depressed before. I love him so very much but feel like I'm ruining both our lives by being pure useless at bringing money to the household and stressing him so much so lately I just fantasize about killing myself but likely packing up and going on a trip to another country to hide myself and do it so he doesn't have to find me dead.

No. 74666

>>74656
>>74663
>>74664
Damn its nice to know I am not alone in this. I have (finally) made an appointment with a therapist. Is this something I can bring up or do you think they would order a hold on me?

No. 74700

>>74664
It's about finding meaning. A passion you have, understanding, something you do to make people happy. It's not go to work and back. That's capitalism. You can do anything, move to a new country, get a foreign boyfriend, just change cities, have children you love, make music, start a business, become famous, change your look and get beautiful. Become one of the best in the world at a particular skill. Start a popular blog. So much you can do beyond "work and back".

Btw in the words of Morrissey, don't read the news. Nobody needs to know the ins and outs of everything Trump for 4-8 years, it's inane and not something us plebs can control anyway. But we can control stuff like the above. We have endless possibility of fun, education and inspiration. And you can live to 100 and look back at all you've done. That's a possibility. It's normal to be young and aimless, but you WILL find purpose, don't beat yourself up for not finding it yet. It's in you. (this is to all the Anons with similar sentiments above)

No. 74713

>>74665
Could you do online CBT appointments? It might be cheaper.

I think quitting your job would be helpful. You don't need to be useless while unemployed either, even if it is only a temporary situation housewife is a well regarded role. You don't need to be a depressed housewife that half-asses her job. You can throw your energy into becoming an amazing cook in between finding new employment.

You could do dog walking, pet-sitting, baby-sitting, nannying, Uber or Postmates to bring in extra work. If you don't have experience you can just price yourself cheaper, that way you still bring in income of some sort.

No. 74716

>>74666

I've been seeing therapists for it since I was 13, but as >>74700 said, I think its about working to find the meaning… and the underlying halt we face is from depression. Dunno how to get out. Must not want it enough? That makes me feel worse though..

No. 74952

>>74713
Thank you anon <3

I know my fiance would appreciate if I threw myself into cooking, he's been doing all of it for a few years pretty much! I would likely feel less awful if I felt I had purpose as a homemaker, keeping the place properly nice and doing cooking etc.

I would love to do online CBT appts and didn't know they really existed, I will have to look into it to find a good source. <3

No. 74996

>>74952
If you've never felt a strong urge to be a housewife it can feel kind of odd to take on the role. That said it doesn't need to feel purposeless, and its definitely easier if you go more traditional with it (using fewer modern appliances). Here are some ideas:

> Cook all meals from scratch

Make it a challenge. Get a small cookbook and cook your way through the entire recipe list (I have always wanted to do this). Cooking your way through a book will help give you structure. Consider a book specifically focused on improving your skills and teaching you techniques and then move onto more elaborate meals. Another idea is a service like Blue Apron, it isn't super cheap but for a month or two provides structure and kitchen practice. No more pre-made, processed foods and learn how to preserve the excess. Use more traditional techniques, no microwave desserts and whatnot. The cost is what you want it to be, you don't need new appliances or new/expensive books if you go to the library.

> Grow some of your own food

This might mean planting a veggie garden or growing some herbs in pots if you live in an apartment. If you have enough space and extra cash maybe your own beehive (look up Flow Hives) or raising a couple of chickens for eggs. Costlier than the other ideas.

> Iron and fold clothing

If you are like me you don't do this so why not start? No cost.

> Big spring cleaning using the 'KonMari method'

You can get Marie Kondo's books in the library easily, they are very popular. No cost if you don't buy stuff like shelving units.

> Go to the library at least once a week

Libraries have lots of free programs and seminars (at least mine does). Regardless you can get free books, DVDs and magazines. It gets you out of the house, and you might get new ideas from browsing. I HIGHLY recommend sticking to non-fiction. No cost.

> Learn massage

Its easy to learn simple massage techniques thanks to youtube and you can make your own massage bars and lotions cheaply (you don't even need them tbh). I'm sure your BF would appreciate a nightly massage session. No cost.

> Learn some simple cocktails

I'm sure your bf would love to be treated to a cocktail upon arriving home. If you already have the liquor this needn't be expensive. If you don't then I'd advise learning a few simple cocktails with ingredients that can be mixed and matched. Cost varies, it can be expensive if you like pricey stuff.

> Walk/bike as much as possible

If you are American this isn't always feasible but it gets you moving and up an about getting sunshine and exercise. Listen to podcasts or audiobooks. No cost.

TBH the daily massage and cocktail would probably put you at 1950s Martha Stewart housewife extraordinare as fare as your bf is concerned.

No. 75000

>>74996
>>74952
Oh and in case you have trouble organizing your day Pinterest is FULL of homemaking schedules. Some of them are pretty old too, I found some linked that are from the 1950s. It just goes to show that maintaining a home doesn't always come naturally, and thankfully there are people who have planned and shared daily/weekly/monthly homemaking schedules. You could just find one you like and follow it daily for a week or two to get the gist of it and then plan your own.

Final recommendations:

>Podcasts and Audio books

Its possible you might feel lonely coming from such a high stress environment, podcasts and audio books are great. You can cook, clean, garden etc all while listening to a good story or learning something new. I actually suggest queuing things up ahead of time so you don't have to expect mental energy daily finding stuff

>Schedule fun at home for you and BF

Without your income money will be tight so start planning ways you and your bf can have fun at home that don't cost much. Actively scheduling things can help save money, its easy to spend money on a whim ("Oh lets go to a bar" "lets buy this" etc). Again Pinterest is great for ideas ('at home date night ideas'). Examples include: reading to each other, playing card games, work on a coloring book

No. 75508

I know there's something wrong with me. I don't function like a normal person. I had a really tough time laden with traumat