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No. 49365
>>124213That sounds awful. Might want to try this over the counter supplement.
http://www.trich.org/dnld/NACarticle_InTouch55_rev.pdfhttp://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3044191/It helps me not bite my nails.
No. 49382
File: 1439847139614.gif (453.89 KB, 380x290, 21cecm8.gif)
>>124226
No. 49388
File: 1439880941057.gif (501.23 KB, 200x136, NHfHH.gif)
No. 49400
File: 1440055269554.gif (1.41 MB, 490x276, the chief.gif)
>>124248
heh it seems like a lot of people here have similar issues. nice to know I'm not alone but I hope shit gets better for u anon
No. 49412
Possibly a dumb question, sorry:
How did y'all convince yourself (and if you're young, your parents/guardians) that you want to get help/a diagnoses?
Idk, my whole life I've been a total fuck up behavioural wise (anger tantrums(and then feeling bad immediately after), having different periods of time when I think mg relations are either out to get me/kill me, different periods where I feel that everyone I meet secretly hates me and laughs and talks behind my back, a secret society or government is watching me in my house, staying up crying because I'm afraid to die/be alone, excessive daydreaming that has interfered with mom work, isolating myself, getting paranoid and strong anxiety, strange long term obssessions with different things that could have messed with that time period of my life, so awkward that people tend to stay far away from me, doing absolutely weird ass shit according to my family and friends. In which I thought that weird ass shit was totally acceptable at the time. Many more things, but then this post will become too long.), and emotional wise.
Idk, I also believe that if I think I have something, then it may not be true. I'm trying to restrict myself from reading some mental illness pages because I don't want to read them and convince myself that I have it when I don't.
It'll be nice to know if I'm normal, but then its sort of a reassurance If I do turn out to have something even though I know it can't change the past, and it can't be an excuse for my shortcomings.
Lastly, If you did go to a doctor/therapist/psychologist, how did you handle the situation? Did you just say things that you've been going through, did you just say 'I think I have such and such?'
Sorry if I seem too Tumblr, But I'd hate to self diagnose! I may delete later out of embarrasdment, sorry lolcow.
No. 49417
>>124262
Ah, I see. Thanks for being straightforward. I want to.believe my parents do care (as they send me to doctors regularly for physical health problems), I think it's more of a case of denial.
We don't have any community centers around (our mental health care is terrible where I live, and mental illnesses are sort of stigmatized), but I can try to talk to a counselor I guess.
As you guessed, I am pretty young (16+), but I'm afraid to go to the counselor because I feel like she's going to think Im crazy or say something out loud while other people are listening. Or she's going to reveal my info to a bunch of teachers or something?
Her and I are pretty cool though, so my thoughts are contradicting me right now.
Only reason I feel okay to talk about this here was because we're anonymous, and the only way people will figure out who you are, are by IPs right?
I don't live in the mainland, but I don't think I'll ever check myself in. Reason is because when I heard/saw the people up there, they are the truely violent crazy types you could kill you in an instant (Consisting of druggies and people who were sent from somewhere else, so their usually state aide family doesn't have to deal with them). I honestly don't think it's that bad.
Probably I'll wait until I go off to college before I talk about health insurance with my folks. For reasons stated above.
No. 49418
File: 1440187153950.gif (467.61 KB, 500x282, 593.gif)
>>124264
Wow, the stupidity is unreal. Bravo anon.
But don't make comedy your full-time gig, stay in school.
No. 49428
I have major depression with psychotic tendencies (but I haven't had a psychotic episode in a while, thankfully), generalized anxiety (mostly just agoraphobia), PDNOS (self defeating), and bulimia (which might get re-diagnosed to just BED since I binge more and I'm not purging much anymore).
I used to be in university and I was doing okay with lots of friends and then everything just got hard. I went from As to Fs just because I would miss class from being unable to get out of bed. I haven't left my house for non-doctor visits since March… I'm just so afraid of existing, and I have panic attacks whenever I go outside, so I just try not to at all. I finally getting treatment, but I feel like it's too late. I've already lost my friends, my scholarships, m education, and anything I enjoyed. I'm disappointing everyone. I really wanted to die, but i afraid of dying fat. I just really hate myself.
I have a really wonderful boyfriend who's been trying to help me, but I just want to break up with him because I'm worthless and I hate that be has to deal with me. I'm trying to stop SHing, but it's natural at this point. I'm sorry for whining. I almost don't want to post this, but I don't really talk to anyone else about this.
No. 49431
File: 1441232275469.jpg (25.08 KB, 355x236, crey.jpg)
I'm depressed, avoidant, extremely isolated and socially retarded with a fucked up body image. I don't really want to kill myself, I just wish I were never born. My life feels like a huge joke. Today I tried expressing some of my feelings (big mistake) since I thought it'd be healthy or something, but mother said she feels like a failure because of me so that's nice.
No. 49474
File: 1446083173166.jpg (69.39 KB, 540x540, tumblr_nwuczg59bq1ujpc0do1_540…)
Depression is at an all time low. I'm having my worst semester in school yet, sleep deprived in spite of having a Lunesta prescription because my anxiety is stronger than the pills, even if I take 9mg of them, so I'm only getting a couple hours a night. I've been wearing the same shirt for 5 days. I've slept in it, gone to school in it, gone to work in it, I've showered and put it back on. I don't have the energy or capacity to care.
I stopped taking anti-depressants after nearly a decade of trying several different kinds (Zoloft, Prozac, Vibryyd, Effexor, Paxil and Wellbutrin), because they do nothing for me, just give me a bunch of side effects. I am on Topamax to even out my moods. It makes me feel extremely numb, which makes me care even less about school and wearing clean clothes, but it's better than sobbing hysterically or raging out of control. Oh well.
No. 49498
>>124345
I've been to the same hospital twice, this is just my personal experience so take it with a grain of salt.
I was 15, my mother admitted me because I was severely depressed and I was drinking way too much to the point of alcoholism. It was like prison for sick people, and the drug you up good.
At first I was kept in this room, it was almost like a drunk tank. It was super nasty and absolutely packed with people, most seemed to be mentally ill homeless people and addicts.
I can't remember either of my stays too well. I was there for like a week, or maybe two weeks. They make you take medication and I didn't want to take it because of how it made me feel but I was very young and scared so I didn't want to get in trouble by not taking it. The beds were very uncomfortable and it was honestly like prison. Concrete, scary people, it was not fun.
I'm still very selective when I talk to people about my issues. I never mention self harm, suicidal thoughts or homicidal thoughts, or my paranoia because I never ever want to go back.
I should mention they didn't help me through my withdrawals at all. I don't know if you have ever experienced alcohol withdrawal or watched someone go through it but it's fucking hell. I have withdrawn twice, once at home and once in the mental facility and it was made so much worse being in a foreign place surrounded by sick people and "doctors" that didn't give a single shit about you. All while super drugged up to the point where you can barely even walk or open your eyes.
It was Green Oaks in Dallas, Texas. If you live in this area I would strongly recommend you go somewhere else. I'm fairly certain my mom had me admitted there because she was sent there involuntarily by my dad when I was 10 and it was bad enough that she refused to talk about it.
This is only one facility though, obviously my experience doesn't speak for everyone.
No. 49499
>>124345You sound like me a few years ago. I eventually signed up for classes at a community college and forced myself to start going out into the world, but as soon as I graduated from the technical program I was in, I did a total faceplant and my life fell apart.
Anyway, psych wards themselves aren't generally that bad. It really depends on the hospital, but I've been in some that were actually pretty nice, and I met some very "interesting" people. Hearing some of these people talking about going through some of the same things I was going through was nice, too.
Up until a few months ago, I had a psychiatrist I thought I could trust. I confided in her about how bad my depression and suicidal thoughts were. Bad idea. Even though I didn't have a plan and wasn't going to actually go through with committing suicide, she called the cops on me, had me sent kicking and screaming to a hospital on a 72-hour hold, and "terminated our relationship." So, while I'm not going to outright tell you to LIE to a doctor or therapist, I'd warn you to be cautious of what you say and how you phrase things. If it sounds like you're actively planning on killing yourself, the person may be legally obligated to send you to the hospital.
The worst part, in my experience, is if you're involuntarily admitted/put on a hold and they make you stay in the psych ER because they don't have room in the actual inpatient psych unit. You wouldn't have this happen to you if you arranged for a voluntary admission, but it's has happened to me every time I've been hospitalized (all involuntarily). The psych ER "rooms" I've been in have been fucking terrifying; they usually just have a bed (or, one time, a thin mattress on the floor) and a camera in the corner, a tiny window in the door, and that's it. You're stripped naked and have to wear awful one-size-fits-all scrubs and can't keep any of your belongings and sometimes aren't even given food or water. If you put up any sort of resistance or hurt yourself or anything, you're restrained, and trust me, that's an experience you DON'T want to have.
I just got genetic testing done through this company:
https://genesight.com/ to determine what type of "metabolizer" I am (which genes you have at a few different alleles determines how fast or slow you metabolize different substances, including psychiatric medications). I don't know if it's something your insurance covers or that you can afford, and I'm not sure if you'd be able to find anyone to do the testing in your area, but it actually determines which medications should work as expected and which you should avoid because they could be ineffective or even dangerous. I was fascinated to find that some of the drugs I'd felt just didn't work for me were, apparently, ones that I was metabolizing "ultra-rapidly" and thus not getting much use out of…
This post was kind of all over the place but I hope things get better for you.
No. 49504
>>124346
>>124347
>>124348
>>124349
Thank you for sharing, I guess there is no way to know if it will be okay since it seems so random..
I'm just getting closer to being done, I've already attempted suicide once but got out of going to a ward. It's like everyday I think of different ways I could kill myself, even when I have things to do the second it's done it's like the dread comes back to me. My night terrors are getting bad again, I feel like I'm at a dead end right now.
I've also tried the not taking medication thing, I become completely not functional, simple tasks seem impossible, head completely blank, pacing, doing just abnormal things.
I know what people mean when they ask "do you hear voices in your head?" but sometimes I want to just say yes, even if it's just my own voice constantly telling me what to do and what not to, I know it's a side effect of just anxiety, but it feels so extreme.
Sorry for more rants, I'm half drunk and can't manage to get myself to fall asleep. This is the only place I can really say everything about the suicidal thoughts.
No. 49510
>>124356
I would've replied sooner but the new boards fucked me up and I forgot the thread name. am the anon you're replying to..
that's exactly how I feel, regarding the eating. I don't have anxiety, but I do have these weird, random bouts of paranoia. I feel that it gets more frequent as I'm aging and nearing independency.
I've also been lifitng weights and I haven't gained much at all. it makes me happy because yay no noticeable weight gain but sad because I genuinely do want to have muscle definition.
>I lose weight so easily but I hate large portions of food, I want to have some weight on me, but I don't want to actually gain weight.
all of this.
I want to get checked for a personality disorder. my mother has bipolar disorder and depression and insomnia and her fear as always been that I'll have what she has and so far her fears seem to be coming to life. I've got the depression, the insomnia, and I might have the bipolar disorder. I stress might because I don't know for sure. I have extreme highs and lows throughout the day or I'm just plain emotionless. I've honestly lost interest in my hobbies (art, reading, music) and it depresses me further because I would love to be able to do them again without getting bored or impatient easily. it's hard for me to concentrate on the things I love.
there's so much I'm feeling, at the moment, I apologize for the blogging. I want to have a relationship so bad but I push them away all the time, I can't help it. I can't help treating them like shit either. like they're nothing to me. all I do is use them And I can't stop. and lately I feel like sex is the only answer to how I feel. like it'll give me that moment of feeling alive. I feel so fucked up inside and I can't even vocalize it in reality
No. 49514
I've suffered from disordered eating for as long as I can remember. I usually go through long periods of overeating (because I love comfort food so much), which, oddly enough, leave me at a 'healthy' BMI of 19.5, then undereating. I'm a bit scared now because my periods of overeating are getting shorter and shorter and the undereating ones longer, and I'm reaching lower weights.
I usually stay around 57 kgs while overeating (I'm 172 cm tall, for reference), start eating less, get down to 50 kgs, see myself thin, feel it's safe to eat, gain back. This is somewhat safe, I'm used to it.
Things went on like this until around my birthday on 2014; turning 20 made me freak out I was going to get old and wasn't spending my "young time" being thin. I started losing and hit 48 kgs on Christmastime 2014, then gained back to 55 and maintained it until June of 2015. That's just six months of eating "normally" (what I feel is overeating), when the overeat phase used to last a whole year or more. Last June I started losing again down to 47 on New Years Eve then spent half of January over eating. A week ago I realized I was fat (I only gained back to 50 kgs) and went back to restricting.
My "overeating" phase lasted for less than a month. I was 50 kgs and felt as fat as I used to at 57. I'm 48 again now and /still/ think I look like I weigh 54. I'm convinced I have a small frame and that's why I weigh so little and still am so fat. It also means it should be safe to lose down to 42.
This is eating me alive. Literally, lol. Sorry for so many details, I just wanted to talk about it and there's no one to turn to. I don't want help either, I just want to lose the fucking weight and stay thin.
I also suspect I have mild autism, which would explain the strict (even when eating 'normal' amounts) eating patterns.
No. 49517
When I was 13 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, after I had (casually) pointed out a small graph in my school health book that listed symptoms of depression to my mom. Went to many therapists but I would never talk, or I was talk about easy things in our "opening" conversations, but when it came to me and what I was feeling, I would shut up or just shrug. I was put on a few different medications over 1.5 years or so, including an unneeded anti-psychotic by this incredibly bitchy asian psychiatrist, which ended up making me gain 30lbs in a very short time. (years later I ended up finding this article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/28/business/28psych.html)
I ultimately just refused to leave the car or go talk to any psychologist/iatrist, so because they couldn't talk to me, I ended up going off of the meds.
A little over a later (8 years ago this month), I started posting on a website, and built a bond with a small bunch of other ragtag teenagers. We spent almost every free moment of our lives talking to each other on the website or AIM over the next three months. This was more therapeutic than any psych I could ever see, than any medication I could ever take, than any outpatient program I could participate in. There was a split moment one time, when I was talking to them on AIM, where I felt what I could describe as pure bliss. I hadn't been happy in so long, yet a bunch of strangers unknowingly did more for me than anything or anyone else ever could.
After this point I still had some small periods of lowness, but in general I was fine. That is until a little over a year ago, though increasingly since last September. I've been nothing short of miserable and constantly tell myself I wish I was dead (and similar), which is something new for me. I also gained 10lbs since then and that's not helping either.
No. 49518
I have chronic anxiety but it's actually become fairly manageable, well, most of the time at least. But my doctor recently prescribed me some fast-acting melt-on-your-tongue type medicine for panic attacks so that's nice.
I actually had really severe depression, anxiety, and bulimia then anorexia for almost a decade during my preteen and teen years. It sounds really cliche but finally learning to treat my body right, just get outside, eat healthy, and do exercise and meditation completely turned around my life and mental health. I used to be so debilitated by my mental health issues, no meds ever helped. I was a shut-in who couldn't even attend school (it's a long story how I was able to graduate high school since legally I shouldn't have been able to). But my college has a great disability center and helps me out a lot.
I definitely encourage anyone struggling with mental health in college to get all the benefits and support you can from your college disability center. Also doctors really aren't bullshitting when they say that regular sun, exercise, real food, and yoga/meditation help a lot. Good luck to all you guys; I know mental health issues are a tough battle to fight every day.
No. 49523
My eating disorders and depression are taking everything away from me. Sometimes, like today, I feel the urge to tell my family, but then I feel like I would regret it, they will make it as it wasn't a big deal.
It doesn't feel real, the way I stuff my mouth with food, how I dress up and go outside home even though I hate it, just to go buy some food so I can binge on it and then it all goes to the toilet.
Tomorrow, I'm going to feel disgusting, fat and depressed as fuck. I know the cycle. I know but still, I can't control it. It's like my brain just switched something off or on(???) and then I found myself in the kitchen.
ooh man, it's going to be almost 4 years. I wonder when those pains in my chest are going to kill me so I can stop living in this body that I can't accept and control.
Living is beautiful, but my brain makes all shit.
No. 49528
File: 1454578850712.png (34.2 KB, 809x808, 1432068637959.png)
I feel like I have everything in the book. Shit just hit the fan when I was 11 and started going through puberty. That plus coming from an abusive home didn't help. In all, I've got BPD, OCD, PTSD, GAD, and BED. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, though I think that and BED stems from being Borderline.
I've seen multiple therapists over the years and have taken way too many different medications to count, but nothing has worked. At some point, I gave up and just lived with it, but in the past few years, I've been trying to find another therapist. The problem is that I'm poor as fuck, but still over the poverty line by a little, so I can't afford to see someone, yet can't get assistance either.
I'm starting to get really worn out. At times, I think about throwing in the towel, but I can't because I've got people relying on me for support. I've actually been struggling a lot with relapsing this week. Nothing sounds better than being completely shitfaced for a few days, but I know I'm going to piss a lot of people off if I give in.
No. 49533
File: 1454714833858.png (23.66 KB, 181x414, tumblr_mtd7lvIXx41rnz2tdo1_400…)
I have depression and anxiety. I've been on medication for a year and a bit. It was working out pretty well for me until about New Years. Ive been feeling really down again and have been having regular suicidal thoughts.
I have my regular check up with my doctor in about five days so hopefully we can figure something out. I'm on 150g effexor and 30g cipralex. I'm a little conflicted though since I really don't want to up my prescription anymore.
No. 49547
File: 1455682197909.jpg (63.03 KB, 640x626, nice.jpg)
I'm a failure at everything, or mediocre at best. I'm a burden to those around me who are just resigned to putting up with me out of obligation or pity. My family is very clear that they wish I was never born but thankfully I've finally found a reliable and even painless method of death to end things finally. My only regret is not knowing this when I was in elementary school and first realized my life was pathetic and worthless. Btw this is not a threat post as I'm not saying anything about when or if I am doing this, just stating my situation given the opportunity to finally do that for once without being immediately dismissed.
No. 49548
File: 1455688485952.jpg (23.44 KB, 500x327, yeah idk.jpg)
Diagnosis:
>Social Anxiety Disorder
>Major Depressive Disorder
>Anorexia
>OCD*
*My therapist has been hinting at it.
Eh. As melodramatic or outrageous as it sounds, this sort of reality where I feel apathetic and bored with everything or one where I feel I'm constantly being ridiculed feels more legitimate than one where I'm happy and doing things that make me happy. My happiness never seems to last and tends to be spotty at best.
Other things that probably aren't important:
>I've gone through the whole psych. panel; apparently my IQ is relatively high.
>Currently passively suicidal.
>Bored with the few friends I have.
>Never get out of the house except for class
>About to graduate and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
No. 49563
File: 1457006365873.jpg (9.85 KB, 185x249, 1426896511581.jpg)
Diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, MDD, and anorexia. Currently on a cocktail of medications that don't help at all. I don't know if switching them would help, I've been on many antidepressants but just decided to stick with Zoloft because I didn't want to go through switching to a different one again after trying 4 different ones. I haven't been to a doctor in a couple months because I only need to go every 3 months to get refills on my medicine now, but I'll go this month, so I can at least tell my doc that it isn't helping..But I think I'll just be even worse off without them, at least I'm numb to the pain with meds.
A big part of the reason I feel so terrible lately is because I recently lost a family member I was close to, and since then I've just felt apathetic towards everything in life. I feel like I want to die every day because I know I'm a failure. I'm of age and live with my parents but still young, I don't go to school or work, I don't know what I'd want to do if I did go to school, my parents don't have the money for my schooling, I'm too much of a fucking spaz to work like any normal person, I'm just pathetic. I have no drive or purpose even being here. Then when things get bad, when I finally stop being an emotionless fuck for once, I panic, and am forced to see all the awful things I've tried blocking out of my mind for years. I haven't self harmed in over a year but I get concerningly close to doing it again because I -see- myself doing it in my head.
Fun stuff.
No. 49569
>>124414
Honestly l went through pretty much the same thing not too long ago with my boyfriend. For reasons other than my relationship, I was kind of forced into the mental health part of the hospital. Admitted for about 2-3 weeks. I had so many bad stereotypes of what a mental health ward would be like, but it was actually a lot better than I expected. You're limited from having a lot of things like your laptop, maybe cell phone, canned pop (so you can't hurt yourself), etc. But it can be fun there. There's other people to talk to, the nurses are really nice and understanding and listen to you, you get the medication you need, you have so much to distract yourself with and most of all you have time to focus on you. I'll admit at first it sucked for me being stuck with myself with not even music or tv to distract me, but it made me think and think about how I feel and my life. They even had classes during the week that was optional to attend like yoga and horticulture therapy for example. I feel like instead of being stuck in your room and home which probably feels depressing to you at this point, admit yourself to a mental ward. It'll do you wonders. You need to focus on yourself and your happiness. I know your feels, feel better soon.
No. 49577
>>124425
I'll copy and paste some text from an interesting article I've read since it can probably describe it more and better than I can:
"That is, following treatment, people may no longer experience intrusive thoughts. They may learn how to better manage their emotions and reduce their avoidance behavior. Symptoms of hyperarousal and hypervigilance may also go away. In this sense, PTSD can be "cured."
However, treatments for PTSD will never take away the fact that a traumatic event occurred. Treatments for PTSD cannot erase memory of those events. Consequently, although you may no longer experience frequent intrusive thoughts or memories of a traumatic event, there may be times in which certain places, situations, or people trigger memories or thoughts of the traumatic event.
Although memories cannot be eliminated, what treatment can do is take away or reduce the extent to which those memories bring about tremendous distress and anxiety, as well as unhealthy behaviors focused on avoiding or preventing those memories. In doing so, treatment can help you regain control over your life from the symptoms of PTSD. It can help reduce the extent to which symptoms of PTSD interfere with a number of different areas in your life, such as work, school, or relationships.
That said, it is important to remember that symptoms of PTSD can come back again. Once you successfully complete treatment, it does not mean the work is done. It is important to continue to practice the healthy coping skills you learned in treatment, as well as keep an eye on warning signs that could indicate symptoms are coming back."
TL;DR Pretty much even if you're currently in control of your symptoms, it has the potential to come back. And the memory of said trauma will never disappear either, the best you can do is get closure. And keep working on controlling your symptoms, because that control unfortunately isn't going to last a life time.
In my experience even if you are recovering from PTSD in a very positive way, it's still possible to be depressive and anxious episodes non related to your PTSD. But ironically what happens to me in these situations is that when I'm that negatively pushed emotionally, it tends to bring back a lot of my PTSD symptoms.
No. 49584
File: 1458365064618.jpg (19.11 KB, 297x300, tmp_10009-bipolar-disorder-297…)
The birth of my son triggered a lot of shit for me. Depersonalization disorder and PPD, mainly. Also, I'm having through this HUGE existential crisis where it's like I've just realized that death is a thing that's inevitably GOING TO HAPPEN to me one of these days… idk. Ugh. I feel so miserable all the time. How do I get back in to the Matrix?
No. 49588
File: 1458418141707.jpg (36.19 KB, 540x498, Ccz4fNxWEAEsz3e.jpg)
tfw just sleep, masturbate, play vidya, shitpost on twitter / 4chan / 8chan [even tho i don't really feel like i have the energy to use either websites anymore] and go to college classes
not to mention i am one of those special snowflakes who actually isn't affected by anti depressants
o and aspergers and whatever anxieties come with that. 'o you can socialize fine with people face to face but using a phone to make a doctors appointment freaks you out'
No. 49590
I used to be in therapy with a psychologist but I never heard any diagnosis directly. However, I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for almost 15 years.
I am wondering if something has happened to me that I can't remember.
All my life I have been afraid of people. Like, pulse racing, feeling fluttery/panicky, racing thoughts (although that's a lot of the time anyway), whenever I walk down the street or have to interact with someone I do not feel comfortable with. (So like 90% of people.) I only feel relaxed okay while out if my husband is with me, otherwise I am only comfortable at home.
I didn't even know what having anxiety meant/felt like until about three years ago. I thought I just had depression.
But it just does not make sense to me.
I was alone a lot as a kid. I never really had friends. I didn't talk in school either, so I was considered weird. I got bullied in kindergarten a few times (physically once, mentally the rest by a girl who said mean things to me). But nothing that really resonated with me as far as I know, I was just sad it happened and didn't understand. I was also… sexually and emotionally toyed with? (if that is a thing) for almost 6 years through middle school/high school by someone I thought was my best friend. I understand how that gave me a lot of emotional problems, but it doesn't add up to such severe anxiety and depression, I don't think. Especially when I had the anxiety before I knew her.
I have trouble recalling my past clearly. I almost feel like there is something I should be remembering, but I can't. I mostly remember how I spent time alone, playing with my toys by myself, or n46 once I was allowed to have a gaming system for my birthday when I was 12, or what I did on the internet starting when I was around 15 and on.
Throughout high school I was mostly alone too. I had a few friendships but they fell apart. I didn't talk in class either. I was afraid to.
But otherwise, it almost feels like there is a fog between past key memories, despite the fact that I remember so much about my childhood vividly.
I originally I thought I am just really sensitive and afraid because I was alone so much throughout my entire life. But I keep getting this nagging feeling there is something I can't remember that was really important. I don't know if I am just trying to find a specific answer after struggling for almost 15 years and reaching when nothing actually happened, but I feel it… just doesn't make sense for me to feel THIS afraid of people if I was just alone a lot during most of my childhood and adolescence.
I can't figure it out and I don't know how to go about it. And if nothing actually happened, then I really don't get why I am like this.
It frustrates me, because I lose all of my close friendships. Never had a single one that made it past 5 years. I just emotionally clam up and run away. I can't control myself.
My husband is the only real friendship I have and I know only having one is bad because then all my happiness depends on that one relationship. I can tell how different I feel when I have a bond with more friends. But I keep fucking everything up and I really wish I understood myself better so I could take steps to not be like this.
No. 49647
I have a lot of issues, which kind of makes me think that I'm actually maybe just lazy and trying to make excuses.
Like when I'm not totally out of touch with reality I just have a bit of disordered eating, avoidance, and anxiety. People still think I'm a bit odd, but that doesn't have to mean anything. Like I'm quite stable, have been in the same relationship for years, almost never fight etc. Not impulsive at all.
But I have these periods where I'm REALLY delusional, and get hallucinations that reinforce the delusions.
>Like thinking there are people living inside of me, controlling everything I do, and hearing them talk. I was a danger to myself, because I tried to kill them, but obviously they weren't real. (My fault probably for googling 'why do I hear voices')
>I once thought I saw demons, obviously hallucinations. What was my conclusion? I'm the chosen one! Well at least that was fairly harmless, I only made a fool of myself.
>I also once thought I was cursed and that a ghost was going to kill me, so I had to cover all the mirrors and other reflective surfaces to 'protect myself from the spirit realm'. Like I saw ghosts coming out of the mirror, to me it was a logical conclusion at the time, nobody even ever told me that it could be a hallucination. Even though I don't believe it anymore, I still get anxious around mirrors.
Like everytime I get out of a period like that, I'm always like: this time I'll be 100% mentally healthy the rest of my life, leave me alone you psychologists and psychiatrists! Because of that they never actually get to properly diagnose me, only speculation (depression, anxiety disorder NOS, PTSD, autism etc.)
Though I doubt that what I experience is normal for just depression and anxiety disorders.
I'm thinking of getting help before it gets out of hand this time. Like I mention I'm 'getting a bit weird' again. But then again, if I have insight, nothing's wrong then, right? I'm just kind of afraid of getting a diagnosis with a lot of stigma behind it, like a personality disorder or something on the psychotic spectrum. But on the other hand, I'd rather not have another shameful/dangerous experience like that. Like I'd rather not make a fool of myself or bring myself in danger again.
No. 49649
>>124497
Well they once tried anti depressants on me when I had such an episode (they last months btw), but I only became worse. So they are reluctant to ever put me on just anti depressants ever again, they might put me on it combined with anti psychotics, but I don't know. They aren't allowed to prescribe me anything without the proper diagnosis first, because of insurance.
In the beginning I might doubt myself a bit, but at the peak, I'll believe it 100%. I actually get angry then with people when they try to tell me that it isn't real. Eventually the belief goes away slowly but surely. Hindsight is 20/20, but during, I mostly have no idea.
But while I don't have any insight in the delusions themselves, I do recognize that my behaviour is strange and that it isn't normal to barely leave the house or do very little or panic all the time (or the more specific things like covering all the mirrors with towels).
During these times in general I feel very unreal, like maybe the whole world isn't real. I'm very wary and guarded, like anyone can be against me. I'm also very unmotivated to do anything. I also have problems regarding expressing emotions, I already usually don't feel much more than apathy or anxiousness, but at least normally with my boyfriend I can express emotions, but when I have these episodes I can't even barely do that with him (it bothers him a lot then and benzo's make this worse). It also happens then that I get trouble talking, like I can't find the right words or use wrong ones. So sometimes I prefer to not talk at all then. Especially since it once happened that someone got angry with me and said I wasn't making any sense and shouldn't be allowed to give my opinion, since I couldn't make my point properly. It's in general very terrifying for me. I really don't want it to ever happen again, but it seems it is.
No. 49656
File: 1460931603245.jpeg (37.99 KB, 300x300, image.jpeg)
I have avoidant personality disorder and pretty severe depression
My girlfriend suggested that I take St. John's Wort for the depression, but does that even work? It sounds kind of bogus, like those weight loss pills
Has anyone ever tried it?
No. 49675
>>124518
I have rapid cycling bipolar, the type of bipolar from which the stereotype is derived.
Not fun at all. Happy one minute, then depressed, then suicidal, then horny, then manic, then suicidal, then manic, then horny, then sad, then obsessive, then paranoid, then horny again. All in a day or two.
The only saving grace is that the mania doesn't last long enough to do any damage. I can drive to the airport to get a ticket to somewhere but it will run out at the counter.
No. 49689
>>124537
Current estimates of the rate of intellectual disability (IQ below 70) in individuals with ASD are at approximately 40% with higher rates of comorbidity (ASD and ID occurring together) observed in girls with ASD (ADDM, 2009; Baird et al., 2000; CDC, 2007; Chakrabarti & Fombonne, 2001). These estimates differ from earlier estimates published between 1966 and 1999, reviewed by Fombonne (1999), which ranged from 44 percent to 100 percent with rates of individuals without intellectual disability estimated at 25.4%, mild to moderate impairment at 23.2%, and severe to profound mental impairment estimated at 55.5%. The decline in the rate of comorbid intellectual disability among individuals with ASD is likely a function of increased diagnostic rates of individuals with higher cognitive abilities along with the effectiveness of early intervention (Fombonne, 2003; Chakrabarti & Fombonne, 2005; Matson & Shoemaker, 2009; Newschaffer, Falb, & Gurney, 2005).
No. 49694
File: 1461400038458.jpeg (1.54 MB, 3264x2448, image.jpeg)
>>124212
I have dysthymia, diagnosed in 2015 getting better, i guess.
No. 49699
>>124545
It only has to impact your adult life if you want to. Your doctor isn't allowed to give information, like that you are autistic, to others without your permission.
It mostly gives you peace of mind, and helps you better understand yourself and others.
As an example, if you have a significant other and you choose to let them know you are autistic, they could maybe understand you better. It can avoid some arguments about you seeming cold etc.
If autism is affecting you a lot, you could even choose to disclose your diagnosis to your employer etc., to get accommodations or at least understanding. But it is a bit risky, since not everyone reacts well to being told that their employee is autistic.
So if you feel your autism is affecting you and your relationships with other people a lot, I do recommend getting a diagnosis. It can make things a whole lot easier.
Also, autistics are at a way higher risk of depression and anxiety disorders. So if you would ever need therapy, it would be useful for a psychologist to know you are autistic.
If you aren't affected by your autism a lot, and you're managing just fine, and you don't worry about developing mental health issues, I wouldn't bother getting a diagnosis.
No. 49708
>>124556
Your parents sound exactly how my parents reacted to my depression diagnosis, to the T.
You should keep reminding him that you're always there for him if he needs to talk, even if he says he's fine or doesn't take you up on it. He will someday. Send him texts/messages with innocuous stuff like funny pics, videos - anything you think he might like, really - to remind him that he's on your mind, and keep doing it even if he doesn't reply. Depression is very isolating, and with social anxiety, it's even worse. I can't emphasise enough how much you need to remind him he's not alone. When you open up Facebook or your phone, and see that your only messages are from spam and your parents, it's an extra punch in the gut.
What are his hobbies? If he likes video games, maybe send him some gifts now and then related to it? It's not going to make him "happy", but I don't know anyone that doesn't like gifts. Try to visit often if you can, maybe do some stuff that can get him out of the house? See a movie?
Also, you should make sure you don't accidentally come across as feeling sorry for him - I can tell you're very sincere, but just be careful.
Once he starts SSRIs and therapy, make sure that he's actually taking them and is actually going to the therapist. Might not be a problem for him, but I've known of some people who go into denial-mode and stop.
All the best to you and your brother, OP, and I'm sorry for your losses. You sound like a very good sister.
No. 49713
File: 1462035779158.jpeg (40.56 KB, 300x250, image.jpeg)
>>124560
Oh god no! Dont become a haifa wehbe! Or any other ugly ass tranny ayrab celebrity! I'm pretty sure you're pretty…
So many things wrong about your post…Looks like you blame your ethnicity for your nose (I'm pretty sure my nose looks ok, to me at least!), you are pale so you are likely not ethnic looking at all compared to me so I dont understand why you are worried lol, and even if you were ethnic looking…whats wrong with looking like a middle eastern princess? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A DOLL IF YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS?
Oh and seriously, killing yourself just because you dont have money for plastic surgery…??? I understand this feeling very well (im very ethnic looking) but after a while you just grin when you see these girls on instagram who try to look exotic :^) so yeah, fuck dolls exotic is in so be happy! I'm really curious what you look like, could you post someone who looks like you? What is wrong with your body btw? If you're overweight you can lose weight, just dont resort to plastic surgery as a first option! And dont do plastic surgery for your bf btw!
Pic related; pale arab
No. 49718
>>124560
Sage for semi-relevant blogposting
I can pretty much say what >>124562 did. I'm just Sicilian, but my family all looks ethnic to the point of never really passing for being white.
The only thing that has helped me come to terms with how I look is in the last couple of years the huge influx of girls that are actively trying to emulate these ethnic features. One thing that really kicked me was having my picture posted somewhere and being accused of being 'a white girl pretending to look ethnic for street credz' or something. I was like, hm. That's very insulting, but pretty cool that that is actually how people think. That my features are in some way desirable.
WASPs are being kicked out of cultural hegemony, and 'minorities' are the new standard. There's a lot of blending going on and embracing of people that look different. It's not middle school any more where we get picked on for not having pink-hued skin and blue eyes with pert little noses and black hair on our arms. It's a pretty cool time to be alive, honestly, and even though I still hate myself and my body, and I would still accept plastic surgery if someone gave it to me for free, I think that all of us genuinely have a chance to reach self-acceptance within our lifetimes.
Also, being told you look like a pale middle eastern princess is pretty much, like, aesthetic goals for the entire global population of women. I can't think of a much better compliment than that. Your bf is with you because he thinks you're attractive, and beyond that, because he likes you for who you are. Finding other people to also be attractive on an aesthetic level does not negate his feelings for you in the slightest.
No. 49719
Anxiety, depression, paranoia, chronic migraines, undiagnosed PTSD?
Anxiety for 8 years. Been treated with Clonazepam and Lexapro, Clonazepam works but my latest doctor thought an SSRI was the way to go. I quit that shit after a month, made me feel like complete trash. Now I'm afraid to go back to that doctor because she demands I get a blood test done and won't give me the medications I've been on for years.
So now I'm just totally unmedicated, other than gabapentin for my migraines (nothing else works to treat them without bullshit side effects) and medical marijuana.
In 2015, I was robbed at gunpoint while cashiering at work and spiraled into a very difficult time, of which I think was PTSD. Almost every symptom matched up, but I've never been to a therapist or anything other than my primary care doctor.
Once I moved this year and quit the job where I was robbed, things have gotten better. I no longer (or rarely) have panic attacks thinking that someone's going to break in and murder me while I sleep, and my mood swings have evened out as well.
Migraines will never stop, though. And the anxiety and paranoia is a constant. I am always certain that my SO and I will be in a horrible car crash, or that my SO is going to leave me. I have nightmares about him telling me he doesn't love me anymore. He takes care of me so well. I have no idea how he has put up with me for the last 4.5 years.
No. 49724
File: 1462130969396.jpeg (109.47 KB, 736x1123, image.jpeg)
>>124571
>dumblr weirdo
Oh wow…
And omg dont be so insecure like that iran anon, this has nothing to do with dumblr you weirdo. I feel sorry for her that she received this reply. Dont take away her experience of being a woman of color just because she is politically white (idk what sicily anon identifies as, but seeing she brought up that middle school experience she likely did suffer from indirect or direct raw phenotype racism, something a white arab/iranian/italian absolutely imo cant, so dont lump yourself or an entire country (italy even lmao, she clearly said Sicily!) in with her and her family's phenotype.
Pic related; sicilian woman
>>124572
This is so me when I was in high school lol. Improving your personality does not mean that you are faking it. It just feels new because you're hanging out with the wrong people. If you feel they are holding you back as a person you should find new people to hang out with.
No. 49738
File: 1462585507185.jpg (1.71 MB, 3000x3000, 1440467668821.jpg)
I feel so awkward even talking about this
but those who suffer with SH/SI, do you ever have urges to hurt your face?
I don't know how to describe it. It's a mixture of hating my face and wanting to show the world "Hey give me attention!" I keep cutting long scratches into my cheek because I like when people ask me what's wrong. I can't do that with wrist cuts cuz it's obvious what I did but I can get away with lying and getting sympathy with this. I'm so pathetic.
No. 49747
I am fairly certain I fit a bulk of criteria for ASPD. But when I read things about it, or 'sociopaths' and what have you, people always make them sound so sadistic.
I've done some things that could be perceived as sadistic, but I don't think I've ever gone out of my way. I've never tortured animals or any of that. My current boyfriend is positively convinced that I am one, and I've had a few people mention they find me 'off' - but not in those exact words.
I would like to know, as a means of verifying my understanding of myself, but it doesn't seem like it'd be a beneficial diagnosis to seek out.
Whatever the issue is, I'm usually indifferent. But this present boyfriend has made me a little more self aware, pointing out my behaviors.
Said boyfriend tried to break up with me recently. I was a bit mad about this. I'd initially settled on moving on, but I realized it would be inconvenient for him not to pay rent. So I convinced him we should work things out. One of his complaints was that I'd become very violent. As part of the 'terms' bf would stick around, I went to a walk in doctor, lied a little about my symptoms and he gave me an anti depressant. It's calmed me down a lot and my boyfriend said I'm less impulsive in a sense. I used to get the impulsive desire to hurt someone just for walking too slow in front of me and the like, but now it's more tolerable. But it hasn't made me feel bonds with people, or connected. I don't feel guilty about anything, I have no emotional or gut understanding of right/wrong beyond logic. Do these kind of things really make me a sociopath, though? I find it really hard to believe people really care about each other, or feel bad for someone else's loss, but my boyfriend insists people do. I knew the way I felt (or didn't feel) bonds with 'friends' was different, but I figured that's just introversion or something.
…I've also read sociopaths get really angry when someone finds out they're a sociopath. I don't feel angry about my boyfriend thinking that, I'm curious if anything.
How do you guys think about things? Do you really care about other people? Do you really follow rules only because it feels 'wrong' to break them? Would you really want to continue a friendship if there weren't benefits for you?
That just seems illogical… doesn't it?
No. 49754
>>124602
I'm not the best when it comes to caring, but I've been where you are now, and I felt I could at least give you this post:
Go to the hospital. Walk in doctor, whatever. Whatever is closest. Doesn't matter if you don't have money. Tell them what you did and what you plan to do. Tell them you need help and have no support. They will help you.
It is worth going on. Anti depressants can really help, if not therapy, or both. You can take control of your life, your situation, your thoughts. And as cliche as it sounds, family isn't always blood. You can make a new, better family - meet people who care.
Good luck. Don't OD on pills. If you die of them, it's more likely to happen later on, of organ failure - which is incredibly painful.
No. 49755
File: 1463350552362.jpg (37.59 KB, 720x720, 1462202836176.jpg)
I have no self-esteem,I'm extremely anxious and socially inept.I feel at ease in most social situations,my hands are sweaty I feel as if I can't breath, I start shaking and avoid eye contact.Most of the time I can keep my shit together and seem normal,but sometimes I can have an internalised panic attack when I talk to someone I look very awkard.I also think it alters my personality away and I end up looking stupid and vulnerable.
I want to be able to talk to people and make friends without feeling like I'm dying and ending up hating myself for seeming so overly sensitive.I'm not even sensitive,I don't take things personally I just have negative feelings that I cannot control while I talk to someone,especially when it's someone I think I could be friends with.
I'm so miserable.I wish there would be a way to make my self-esteem grow.I've been abused in my childhood,sometimes I think that's why my self-esteem is so low but maybe It's all my fault,I simply cannot trust my own powers and second-guess myself continously.
I'm naturally introverted,laid back,but this social anxiety only makes me seem like an over sensitive snow flake,but I'm not really lilr that.I just want to be able to connect with people and express my personality without it being altered.The only time I feel comfortable in social situations is when I"m with my best friend but I feel like I'm dependent on her and I hate it.
This week a guy from my school messaged me on facebook and I answered back.I've seen him around the school a lot of times before.We talked a lot,he's extremely witty with a good humour and smart plus we have common interests.We talked a lot and I managed to say a lot of smart stuff and be myself.At one point he asked me what high-school I attend and told him,he said he's never seen me around,when he said that I got super TRIGGERED and realized he's probably seen me but didn't recognise me because I look different from my facebook pictures because they are 2 years old,and haven't updated since then and I looked pretty decent back then.Now I've gained 14 kgs,I'm 165cm tall and 64 kgs in weight,I have bad acne and my hair is short and weird.But my main concern is coming out dumb or boring I'm extremly afraid of being boring.I'm so afraid of seeing him around the school I don't wanna mess things up like I always do.
If anyone could help me with any tips on this,that'd be highly appreciated.
>Excuse my inchoerence and bad grasp on the english language.
I suffer from social anxiety and GAD,but I'll have to see a psychiatrist again in 2 weeks.
No. 49761
>>124605
Hey anon, I just got diagnosed with BPD and I'm very similar to you. My life is a mess because I'm constantly wasting time, energy and money being someone I'm not, my relationships are beyond fucked up because I'm always lying/self harming/making the other person feel shit. I completely get the changing persona thing - in fact I'm spending $$$$ to travel across the world because the person who influenced my old persona (see: two months ago) wanted me to, and it's too late to back out.
Maybe you're not ready for help but I seriously recommend it because your life sounds stressful and exhausting, and even if you're comfortable with your possible personality disorder (I often am too) it's going to fuck you up sooner or later, and you don't deserve that.
If you can't afford/face getting professional help then maybe you should try learning about HPD in more depth, like reading well-regarding books and studies if you haven't already. I haven't had time to read much about BPD yet but just reading stuff online has made me feel less alone. It's really important to realize other people identify with you and that you're not the only person going through this.
Long post, just trying to say I get it, anon, and it sucks.
No. 49771
File: 1463661163908.gif (1.83 MB, 500x305, muldersad.gif)
wondering if some kind of Telegram/Skype/Discord would be a good idea…? I just suspended my studies at uni for a second time because a bad reaction to new meds seems to have snowballed into full blown depression, on top of my anxiety + self-esteem issues. would be nice to have someone to talk to other than my boyfriend (who is a great support, but I feel like I bring him down sometimes)
No. 49781
I suspect that I have BED (not wanting to self diagnose, but I do fit the criteria for it, and find that if I say eating disorder/disordered eating people just immediately assume it's restrictive/to do with skipping meals), and it interacts a lot with my depression. I started comfort eating a lot when I was young, and that's slowly progressed to binging when I'm feeling depressed (I wish I was one of the people who lose their appetite with depression). Then when I binge I feel more depressed because I feel out of control and pathetic, plus I gain weight. Then feeling more depressed leads me to binge more, and so it goes on. It's probably been years since I went much more than a week without a binge, I just don't know how to stop.
>>124583
>>124586
I know this is really old but don't even attempt to come off them on your own, and don't expect to be able to be off them quickly. Being on a high dosage for 5 years may mean it could take a year or so to taper off them, and it's worth it to not rush the process. I'm probably overly cautious regarding this kind of thing because I always get awful withdrawal symptoms, and they cause a lot of physical and mental pain and distress.
Fuck me, this wasn't meant to be a long post. Sorry for the pity party.
No. 49812
>>124659
When hallucinations are bizarre, you can recognize it's not real. If you see dead people laying everywhere, and you mention that other people don't see it, you know it's a bad idea to tell them about your hallucinations, because you know they will think you're crazy.
If you have paranoid delusions, big chance you aren't going to tell other people about it, since they're 'in on it', or you don't think you can trust them about it. With grandiose delusions, you might not tell other people about it, since you are 'the chosen one' and they won't understand etc.
Yes and what if you appear anxious or agitated? That doesn't automatically mean you are psychotic, most people won't even think about that and just think you have an anxiety disorder or are stressed.
No. 49823
File: 1466773491866.jpg (26.37 KB, 339x607, 1465338583272.jpg)
If anyone can maybe tell me if this is just a passing thing or not, or just if theyve experienced something familiar
Recently I was advised by my doctor to stop taking Cymbalta(started 60mg and then lowered to 30mg) as she was changing doses to get me to only take Welbutrin(150mg to 300mg) and I'm starting to feel different even though its only been a couple days. I've felt pretty robotic for quite a whole which is probably due to the medication. As I also take seroquel which i guess is a mood stabilizer.
I've gotten every shitty withdrawal which was expected but the unusual one is these thoughts im getting or feeling emotions. I don't know if I'm just not used to it or not, but they arent nice emotions, I'm feeling really insecure, like nothing feels right or just overwhelming.
The other night I just started crying because of it, the thoughts aren't fun either, I keep getting urges to just quite all my medication, break up with my current bf, and just become a shut in again completely alone in my room like I lived for a long time.
I cant tell if this is a passing feeling, something i'll just need to adjust to, or something I should really worry about, or even possibly a symptom of withdrawal.
I know deep down that quitting my meds is a horribly bad idea. I have severe anxiety and depression. I haven't been diagnosed with any personality disorders or other things besides ADHD as I have never been completely checked since I never see psychs nearly enough for them to know. I just know off medications I am very strange, like can't function like a human strange. I am incoherent, can't handle most social contact even with family members very long.
Sorry if its a jumbled mess, my brain is extremely foggy and i can't think straight. I'm just really stressed out, think im fucking up my teeth because my jaw is clenched most the time. I can't describe the insecure feeling either, vulnerable maybe is a better word? I dont even know what im rambling on about anymore. I don't have really anyone to vent to about these problems so maybe im just letting it out right now.
No. 49824
I maybe have BDD and my disordered eating used to be really bad (mostly just purging and restricting).
I'm living with my mom until September and she is constantly calling my face ugly (I have really severe emotional problems revolving around feeling my face is deformed/ugly) and calling me fat.
This morning she called me fat, and said that when she was my age she was 10 pounds lighter.
She doesn't really care about my mental health, I've tried to talk to her about it before. Basically I'm in turmoil every day for the last 8 years over the way I look, constantly crying myself to sleep every night over being ugly, went under the knife for a nosejob that was really complicated because I had broken my nose previous and there was a lot of scar tissue, it was hell. My entire life has revolved around BDD-like symptoms and being ugly…
Maybe I am a little fat (literally a meme, 5'2" and 110 lbs, 34-26-34) and I was skinnier before, but it makes me feel bad because I've already lost 5 lbs since I've started dieting last month and am losing more weight. I eventually want to get back to my goal weight of 90 lbs. I'm not really concerned at all with restricting.
It just hurts a lot coming from my mom. Because when I was thin she would make fun of my body and call me too skinny and say that I looked like I was in the auschwitz. Even though I was healthy.
And no matter what she calls me ugly…
I'm just in turmoil, she's causing all my mental problems to thrive. She says stuff like "I look better than anon and I'm 55" (she means her face, because she is 60 lbs heavier than me). It hurts me so much and when I try telling her she doesn't care.
Even when I lived without her, I would cry myself to sleep almost every day because I'm so ugly and unattractive, but being here I've actually considered suicide seriously on multiple occasions because my dad owns shotguns. It's just so fucking difficult to take.
Sorry for the blog.
No. 49825
File: 1466790810054.png (136.24 KB, 1080x1920, Screenshot_2016-06-24-10-50-54…)
Anyone here that uses a mood tracker? Ive been trying it out so maybe I have some more input for my doctor.
I really want to hear about other peoples moods and mood trends, so feel free to blog post to me!
My moods been continuely neatrul or just meh and it's bugging me. Is it totally normal for this? Seems a bit depressing. I'm on antidepressants and anxiety medication so I wonder if that is having an effect of stabilizing me. My bad days are usually when I forgot to take my medicine the night before
No. 49831
File: 1467307168732.jpg (88.81 KB, 640x920, 0518bf49ceb8b6657910dc290bcf9b…)
I can't get a hold of my psychiatrist. I have been sending multiple emails for the past 3 weeks- with no respond and his phone is only open 45 minutes 2 times a week and I haven't been able to get through.
I don't want to get a new one, because it would feel like I have to start over and it's bothersome having to open up to a new person, but this is giving me trust issues.
I'm not sure what to do right now.. I just need to set up an appointment so I don't think I should use the urgent number and I don't want to seem pushy either..
No. 49834
>>124672
Hey anon. As someone who has been on all of those (and manymanymany more), let me see if I can help.
So, every med has a withdrawal time– 2 weeks to what seems like months. Obvies Cymbalta plays a small part. Depending on how sensitive you are to meds, upping Wellbutrin could be a huge thing. And I can't remember if Seroquel is a stabilizer or something anti-depressant, but if it hasn't recently changed (and your last combination of meds was 'decent' before the change) I'd knock that out of being the cause.
At any rate, you should call your Psych/Doctor/whoever. If it is withdrawal, then you'll have it confirmed– but if it's also side effects of upping the Wellbutrin, they need to know so they can help you fix it.
I completely understand when you say you feel foggy– I was on Lithium for a week and could not understand past the haze. (When I was in IP and they gave it to me– after I told them I already tried it and it was negative towards me– I found myself lying on the floor of the hallways sometimes. Just. Laying. Don't know what the fuck happened with that shit. Guess I thought it'd be a nice spot to fucking curl up and lay.)
You definitely do not want to quit your meds– it fucks you up even more and makes you feel entirely worse about everything.
Just contact your doctor who upped your Wellbutrin and stopped your Cymbalta to let her know. That combination just isn't right for you. It's not your fault and it happens all the time.
I hope you find a good combination of meds for you.
——-
Onto why I came into this topic. I have had clinical reoccuring depression for about 11 years. It fucking sucks– for a long time they thought I was bipolar and I was on SSRIs and all sorts of bullshit before I was hospitalized and they realized; OCD, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and fucking eating disorder bullshit. I sound like a goddamn tumblr my bad guys. Anyway, there are many, many days where I can't get out of bed… which is fucking ridiculous and i hate it. but then i miss work because i literally do not want to move my body out of my bed, out of my room, into the world to my job where i have to deal with fucking people all day.
I used to be so anxious going into work and being at work that I had anxiety attacks and a few panic attacks.
I srsly don't know what to do. Do I quit? Do I give notice if I do? Do i get a new job? where the fuck is going to allow me to work like four days a week five-six hours a day? what's going to have the flexibility to give me income as well as mental health relief? fuck i still need to make appts with therapists and psychs and doctors ever since i moved but i am ungodly nervous or anxious or whatever the fuck of talking on the phone to people i don't know– which i can't even justify. because i don't fucking know them and thy don't know me so how could their words hurt me. do i need to go on fucking disability for fucking depression? can depression be classified as a goddamn disability?
I have so many fucking questions and I don't know how to put on the big girl panties and adult at 21– i don't even know how the fuck to drive.
No. 49855
File: 1472718139287.jpg (44.49 KB, 1280x720, a74ec993684436ca6391c667e2df17…)
I've been finding it harder and harder to leave my room because I'm afraid of people looking at me, even my own family. I'm not sure where it came from and thought it would just be a weird phase that would pass. But I irrationally start dreading the prospect that someone might look at/notice me for even just a moment (instead of looking past me or ignoring entirely) if I go out in public, even though I know it doesn't fucking matter.
No. 49861
File: 1472951731026.png (343.31 KB, 665x473, 1280.png)
For years I have been "collecting" or however you want to describe it, all the things I want to use/wear/whatever when I am the person I want to be. I want to be thin, and smart, and funny, and deserve to use these things I've bought over the years. I have cute clothes, and shoes, and purses, and make up and perfumes and skin care, etc… that I don't use because it'd be a waste on someone as shit as me.
Any other anons do this or did and stopped? I just feel so incomplete and unhappy, and I thought doing this would inspire or motivate me to be better but it hasn't, I'm 25 now and as unworthy as when I started, only more so because I am too old to be like this.
No. 49864
>>124710
Oh anon i know how you feel. I used to be overweight and very depressed and i used to buy stuff to "comfort" myself, like a bunch of clothes that ended up looking like shit because they were too big/small or makeup i didn't put on because i was not "enough". But like >>124712 said, one day my switch flipped, when i looked myself in the mirror and felt like crying, and when i realized that i was being stupid for thinking i wasn't worth the things i got and i realized that I was the one creating those problems for myself, i was the one making myself look like shit because i'd had given up on my life.
In the beggining i wanted to become pretty and happy and look lovely in girly clothes and become the best version of myself i could be, so i went all out, i decided i wanted to be pretty so i lost all my weight unhealthily to become perfect fast, realized i still wasn't what i though of myself and became more depressed, i was fucked i hated everything because i went fast, not good; i was not the best version of myself i was skinny yeah, but not happy nor comfortable in my body becaus i was too focused on being "perfect" for everything.
One day i started exercising and changing my diet, and kept at it because it was making me feel, calm? i guess, and that's where my switch flipped. That made me realize that i will never be perfect for everything that exists in this world, but i can be the best version of myself if i treat myself and my body with love and not hate. I was finally comfortable in my body, because i made it better, I imporved it, no one else. Start with small sessions of exercise like walking or doing some short youtube videos, maybe even dance even if it's only for 5 minutes, do it daily no matter how much your brain tells you it will not matter. Look at makeup tutorials and try the looks before you go to sleep/into the shower, makeup washes off so try multiple looks until you find one that makes you feel good, become familiarized with techiniques and tricks, go out one day with mascara and lip gloss, even if it's only to the grocery store down your house, then maybe add some blush and some eyeshadow! Put on cute clothes that fit but you wouldn't normally wear and look at youself in the mirror, don't immediately take them off, take photos of youself with them and search for what you like best about that outfit, you can incorporate it more into your daily wardrobe. Don't buy stuff that is too small or big for you, that'll make you feel worse, if you keep up you may need a smaller size in the future, so buy it then! it'll be like a reward or present for keeping at it and improving yourself! clothes do not have to be a punishment for not losing X amount of weight or not being X cm/inches. Slowly, you will realize that you may not be "perfect" to do these things or fit certain clothes/makeup styles, but you can do it, you can try them without it makng you feel hurt. It's cliché, but you can improve if you believe in yourself.
One thing that REALLY helped me was having internal dialogues with myself where everytime i had a negative though i'd reply in my head how i would reply a friend i.e. "this looks like shit on you, you can't pull this style off, why do you try this new makeup? THEY WILL LAUGH AT YOU" "well maybe i want to look like this and maybe i am comfortable in these clothes so fuck you brain i will go out like this and i will enjoy it because i like how this skirt looks on me" type of thing, it sounds crazy but it really worked with me. Treat your brain and thoughts as friends or family, you would not encourage bad thoughts on people you love, no? so same for your brain. Compliment out loud one thing you like about yourself everytime you look in the mirror, and don't imediately follow up "but X looks gross on me", it may feel awkward talking to yourself at first, but it will really help hearing yourself saying nice things about your feautures. Does your hair look terrible today? Well who cares, look at how beautiful your eyes look!
sorry if this sounded too arm-chair psychologist but i went throught that and i know how much it fucking sucks being at that place.
No. 49865
>>124712
>>124713
Wow, I really appreciate both of your advice. It is comforting to know other people did what I am doing, but snapped out of it. I've been trying today, I used all of my new skincare stuff that I've never used, and it felt really pampering. I might try and wear some of the make up when I got grocery shopping later today. I think the hardest thing for me is clothes, because I never feel good enough. I gained a lot of weight in my 20s from a variety of reasons, psych medicine, laziness, depression, etc. I was underweight as a teenager and when I look at my old pictures I feel so frustrated, because I thought I was too big, so I didn't do them then, either. I guess thinking about that helps me put it in perspective; it is all psychological, even if I did become the perfect me, I'd never recognize it I guess…
Thank you guys. I feel motivated to be nicer to myself.
No. 49868
>>124696
>>124701
tbqbh fam, guilt is also a symptom of post traumatic stress. wrt the night terrors, I used to get them quite frequently but as I've gone through more therapy (I think my psych has officially said my PTSD is in partial remission at this point) they generally have subsided, however like >>124699 said, when I'm stressed/my mental health has gone to shit they do surface. They also come back around significant dates related to my trauma. In terms of the trauma being at the forefront of my mind constantly, for the most part I don't really think about it spontaneously on a day to day basis - when I have a trigger I do, obviously, but I'm able to go about my life without being plagued by thoughts of it.
I can understand feeling nervous about it because of the connotations re: SJWs and "triggers" but, honestly, if it ever comes up in conversation with people, if they're nice, rational people, they'd understand that, y'know, you have an actual disorder, you're not just an SJW who's heard something they disagree with.
late to the party w/ this reply but oh well, I hope you see this anon, you've got nothing to feel guilty about!! <33
No. 49876
I just I don't know anymore, I don't want to bother my friend or my boyfriend but I keep being really really sad, I cannot help it.
I just came from my boyfriend's house and we had an awesome day he is so lovely and kind, when I gotta go home I just want to cry, I know I'm gonna to see him again the next week but I get really sad and start crying and thinking horrible things about myself, you know the usual: why he loves me, I'm pathetic, I wish I didn't met him so I can kill myself without make him suffer.
Today I started self harm again, I didn't do it since November of the last year, I feel even more terrible.
Sorry for any mistake, English is not my first language.
No. 49877
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Do all antidepressants make you lazy as fuck? I only tried seroquel and effexor xr for one day and couldn't continue because I have a job and shit to do.
I just laid on the couch all day feeling satisfied with myself and could barely force myself to get up and eat when starving (with effexor).
I normally am pic related.
No. 49883
File: 1474238366589.gif (392.9 KB, 640x360, eJwNycsNwyAMANBdGADzMRiyDSKUIC…)
>>124724
Don't give up just yet, anon. Give it a week at least and see if the side effects subside. Generally you won't be able to tell if it's working until you've been on the medication consistently for about 6 weeks.
>>124731
>Yeah well if you have depression, you're supposed to be on an anti-depressant, not an anti-psychotic. It's dangerous to actually use medication that isn't meant for you.
Anon's taking an anti-depressant (venlafaxine/effexor) alongside the quetiapine/seroquel. Considering the physician prescribed the seroquel alongside the effexor then, y'know, it's meant for them. It's fairly common practice to augment antidepressants with atypical anti-psychotics in cases where there's a degree of treatment resistance. It isn't dangerous.
>>124726
>>124728
I'm going to assume you took both of them in the morning, right? Seroquel (like most anti-psychs) has a sedative effect, did your doc tell you to take it in the evening by any chance? Effexor is meant to perk you up a little (it had a paradoxical effect on me and made me a bit drowsy), so try taking that in the morning, and the seroquel in the evening, perhaps.
>>124729
Like I said to the other anon, don't give up just yet. Finding the correct medication is a hard fucking slog (I've tried four or five different medications over the past year or so, so I know that feel), but you need to just hold on and wait it out to see if it's working. If you give up after just a few days it's both a waste of your time and money tbh fam.
>>124730
>I'm not trying to scare you anon but I was put on seroquel for my depression and it fucked me up bad
>I decided one day to just stop taking it
Drugs react differently for every individual, but you also went against the first cardinal rule of psych meds - abruptly stopping them. Most people will go round the bend if they just dropped their meds, regardless of what they were taking. Like, shit fam, my psychiatrist titrated me off effexor too quickly and I ended up in the psych ward for a good week because I went mental. That's doesn't necessarily mean the medication is inherently bad.
Medications, anti-depressants especially, aren't some magic 'take em once and you're all better!' kind of pill. This shit takes time, and lots of fine tuning. Meds are also not a cure-all. Their purpose is to stabilise (even out your highs/lows, bring you up, whatever), so things like talk therapy and CBT/DBT, etc., are more effective because you're less clouded by the symptoms, and more capable of taking the stuff you're learning on board. I know it sucks, and just existing is exhausting, let alone actually trying to function, but hold on my dudes, we'll all get there in the end. And for the love of fuck don't just abruptly stop taking your meds! Talk to your doctor and slowly taper off them!
No. 49884
File: 1474238542990.jpeg (49.97 KB, 500x379, 1457143382691.jpeg)
>>124732
*That doesn't necessarily mean
Fuck me dead I need to learn how to proof-read
No. 49888
>>124732
I know that physicians sometimes prescribe atypical antipsychotics alongside antidepressants. But physicians aren't always right and can prescribe the wrong medication for someone, and that IS dangerous. The brain is quite delicate, and while atypical anti-psychotics indeed affect serotonin, it also affects dopamine, and if your dopamine levels are fine, you shouldn't screw with them. It can be dangerous, since people do have adverse reactions to it. Physicians aren't always right, they also misdiagnose people, they can prescribe the wrong medication, and unnecessarily prescribing antipsychotics isn't a good idea in general, because of the physical side-effects.
No. 49891
File: 1475459523000.png (42.9 KB, 797x425, fungal bacterial depression.PN…)
>>124739
that actually reminded me of this.
No. 49894
Has anyone reading helped themselves (mostly) get over a mental health issue?
Incoming blogpost if that is okay, if not I am really sorry and will delete if requested:
I am not sure what caused it, whether it was being bullied at a young age, being molested repeatedly by a (female) friend in middle school, getting cheated on, or having some shitty relationships (friends and romantic) over the years, but I am a social and emotional mess. I was diagnosed with depression for the second time in my life recently, but I am not sure it ever truly went away after seeing the first therapist over a decade ago. I have had anxiety as long as I can remember and fear a lot of social situations, yet I crave human interaction. I had a terrible eating disorder as a teen and I feel it is coming back since I feel so out of control with everything else in my life. When I do things with friends, more often than not I feel less happy after, but then I feel like I am wasting my life away if I don't do anything with people which makes me freak out a lot.
I am so fucking sensitive. So much bothers me. I obsess over how I say things and how people treat me, unwillingly reading into every little thing. I get angry a lot and take it out in unhealthy ways because I have really shit luck and get wronged a lot in situations I can't do anything about except just forget it. I try to hide it and seem as normal as possible but inside I am a mess. I have horrible self esteem so I did that doormat thing in a lot of friendships over the years. As I got older I started to knock it off, but the other day I found out just how little I mean to my friends… and it crushed the last bit of hope I had after a particularly shitty series of events this year. The only reason I am living is because I don't want to hurt my parents or boyfriend. If they weren't in my life, I would have killed myself long ago.
I am currently on medicaid which has awful resources for therapy: you have to show up when a free clinic opens, get on a wait list for the day, then have an evaluation to determine if I need help more than everyone else that day. Almost every time I have gone, there wasn't enough time to see me despite getting there super early, wasting hours so far. The two times I did get the evaluation, other people were more important to see so I never got any follow up appointments.
I don't have enough money to pay out of pocket for therapy. My mental issues are fucking me up so much and really ruining my life, I never thought at this age I would be feeling like this. I don't want to diagnose myself but after trying to learn more about myself, BDD seems so fucking fitting. I currently don't have a job and am living off my savings. I am trying to go back to school while finding another job but every day I just don't want to wake up or do anything. Nothing makes me happy. If I smile, I feel nothing.
I try reading self help books and interacting on forums, but I feel like it makes little difference on my crazy brain. I have so little energy nowadays that I feel like this is a never ending uphill battle. I feel like I can see what would make me feel better… having a few GOOD friendships and a sense of purpose. But I struggle so much with closing the gap that keeps me from those things. I am so fucked socially and get stupidly hurt so much in friendships, my brain shuts down and wants me to hide and stop giving any of myself to others since I have been hurt so much. As for a sense of purpose, I am trying to throw myself into a field that would make a small difference and just live out a hollow experience for the rest of my life with my boyfriend and pets. It just sucks because I feel nothing for it.
I just… fuck. My mind is so cloudy now and has been for years. I've been on a few meds for depression before which did nothing for me so I feel like my issues are purely based on my situation. I feel like I would do so much better if I just had those two things, some good friends and some sense of purpose with creating something, but I am struggling so much to achieve them. I am also super self critical.
Does anyone else out there have any success with fixing themselves? Because I feel like at this point, that's my only option to actually get through the rest of my life that's left.
No. 49897
>>124743Do you have an email? I started typing up my story but I second-guessed on posting it, partly because I know a few people who post here and I don't feel like getting a message from them going "hey anon is this you?" and then feel forced to talk about this with them again.
You can make an anon/throwaway on
http://cock.li if you don't have one already.
No. 49898
>>124743
I've mostly overcome my mental health issues, and they were really fucking bad. Over a dozen hospitalizations, a years out of school, doctors telling my parents to start planning my funeral, etc. Nasty stuff. Now I'm almost all better, I have a great job, a clear sense of purpose, healthy relationships, and my self-esteem is so much better! My first diagnoses was anorexia and to this day I struggle with that and OCD, but tbh they can be assets as long as I don't let things get out of control. (I'm aware this thinking isn't the healthiest, which is why I said I'm mostly better lol)
So how did I overcome depression? The first step was doing something, ANYTHING to get out of the house. Isolating myself at home and not going to work or school was making things way worse. All I could do was sit at home and think about how miserable I was. Volunteering is a good way to get out of the house and feel good about yourself by making positive contributions. It's also a good way to make friends. You could work with animals, kids, art, or avoid people entirely and do a nature clean up sort of thing.
That will help at first, but you are going to need more of a sense of purpose than that. Start by identifying your dreams. What is your dream career? Where do you want to live? Then start identifying the small steps you need to get there. Going back to school is probably essential to all of this. A good way to start is by signing up for a few classes you are interested in. Nothing too rigorous, maybe just an art/humanities class and one on self improvement or health. Talk to your classmates, maybe you have something in common with someone and you can make a friend. You could also go to clubs on campus and meet people that way.
The most important thing to remember through all of this is you are in control of your own happiness. Yes, depression is a bitch that will come in unexpectedly and smack you upside the head. But you can control it. You can say, "Yeah, I feel like shit but I'm going to do something anyway." Empower yourself! Stand up to that monster that is mental illness. When it says, "You are a horrible person, no one loves you, you should be dead, etc." say "What the fuck? I'm NOT a horrible person, I'm just a human who has made a few mistakes. People DO love me, my family and boyfriend would be devastated without me! I don't deserve to die, I deserve a wonderful life!" You won't believe it at first, but I guarantee calling out those intrusive thoughts will make a difference down the road. Those thoughts aren't you, they are symptoms of a disease and you should not accept them or let them define your self-worth.
tl;dr: You already know what you need, some good friends and some sense of purpose. Volunteering and going back to school will help you with both of those goals, and getting out of the house makes a huge difference in depression. Questioning your thoughts will help improve your self esteem and empower you to get better. You are strong, you are a fighter, you can overcome this! You might not believe it at first, but if you continually repeat something to yourself you will eventually believe it. After all, wasn't continually repeating self-depricating thoughts what got you into this mess in the first place?
No. 49899
>>124743Some bits of this remind me of problems I've had in the past and (mostly) cope with today.
I'm from the UK so I was able to get assessed, put on meds and through to therapy.
The therapy I was put into was actually a free online course of CBT. There is livinglifetothefull.com and
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcomeThese coupled with the advice >>124747 gave(said it all better than I could honestly) sorting out an aim and sense of self and you'll find step by step everything will be smoother.
The friend group I had just before I was diagnosed I lost entirely, they weren't good friends and once I was getting better I could see that and made new much better friends. I made new friends joining some club at my university. Sure sometimes bad people showed up but I was much more sure of myself and knew better to not let them take up time in my mind.
No. 49901
>>124747
Wow, that's amazing! I am really happy for you that you are feeling so much better and doing so well! This is also very inspiring to read, it's amazing how you pulled yourself up like that and overcame so many struggles. Those are all really good questions too, I will try to outline some more clear goals than the general ones I have. How you described your way of thinking and how to question yourself seems like a really good reminder when things are really down, I need to get to that place where I do it automatically, and this advice gave me some really good clarity. I agree, isolating myself and dwelling in everything that happened is making everything worse, but it kept getting more and more difficult to stop.
Thank you so much, really, I feel like this will really help me.
>>124748
You are so kind, thank you so much for showing me those options. I will look into them right away. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better and feel more sure of yourself now and are more in tune with what you want in your life. Thank you for replying~
No. 49903
I need help anons. I know no one can diagnose me but I just want to know if anyone has similar issues or knows what this is called so I can have an easier time when I go to a psychiatrist.
Physically, I'm not very pretty in my face. Big crooked nose, giant forehead (it was ok before, but had hair loss due to stress and look balding in parts now), and underdeveloped chin. I know that anxiety can make you be harder on yourself than normal but I do just happen to have these sorts of "generically" unattractive features. I'm not super hideous or deformed but I'm not very "traditionally pretty". The positive is that my body is good and I take good care of my hair and skin.
The way I look really plays into my anxiety. Being "ugly" gives me extra anxiety. Before I really paid attention to my looks I already had anxiety about going outside. Going outside gives me so much anxiety. Things like standing in life for food, walking to class, or even just sitting in class are an absolute nightmare. I feel so much anxiety even sitting in a public place! I honestly don't understand HOW I feel embarrassed and anxiety just walking somewhere (honestly it doesn't make sense to me at all but I do). Right now I feel as if I'm getting worse again (it waxes and wanes, the public anxiety and fear). I've tried reasoning with myself logically, I know logically I shouldn't have anxiety being outside in class etc but this doesn't help my brain.
I've had weeks where I would only go out to get food every few days and then would lock myself up for as long as I could (until I could no longer stay hungry, I would sleep if was really hungry so I wouldn't have to go out or just spend my few dollars on ordering food in).
Now, all of that is not including the way I look. Once in a while my "look" plays into my anxiety (don't want anyone to see me being ugly) but this is not the sole or main cause of my anxiety.
Sometimes I also have anxiety about other people and their intentions. With women, I don't really feel too "scared" of them (if anything I can be a bit weird since I get excited about making friends especially with girls so I may be too forward idk but not creepy or in a sexual way). I do get irrational fears about men sometimes. I don't think most men are bad, evil, dangerous logically at all, I can recognize fears being illogical and not very seated in reality but it does not stop the anxiety. Sometimes when a man wants to invite me to his house I feel an intense fear of the things he "might" do to me (rape me, beat me, hurt me, kill me, torture me etc very graphic and frightening images in my head). Same thing when being invited in a car by a man etc. I grew up hearing that men were going to torture and rape me etc (and even as I child I knew this was wrong) which may play into it. Most of my friends happen to be male so it has not stopped me from making ANY friends but it has limited a lot of things for me. I was also raped and sexually abused by a man a dated which has given me some "night" and running anxiety, for example when I go running or am out at night I suddenly feel like I can't breathe, like I'm being chased, like I have to run away, and suddenly it stops.
Another weird thing I have is that I suddenly out of nowhere get these burts of "excitement" that can either be of fear or happiness. Suddenly I feel extremely scared out of nowhere, my hear races and I run to my room or something, or I am super excited randomly about something that I want to jump and scream. Both these things go away almost immideiatly but my heart stays racing for a bit after. I have not been able to find any info on what this may be online so I'm really hoping someone can give me some insight.
When my anxiety is low and I feel ok being outside (rarely now) I have no problems going to class, I don't mind talking to people even strangers, I can hold normal and not awkward conversations etc.
I just need help with my anxiety. Every doctor I go to tries to give me prozac or something like that or seroquel and it does NOTHING for me. No one seems to help this horrible anxiety that makes me want to stay indoors all the time. I don't even know what would be the name for what I have, even having the "name" of some of the symptoms I have would make me feel a bit better. I do wan't to see a new psychiatrist again soon but I'd like maybe someone to help me identify names of symptoms or feelings so I can tell them, I feel like I don't explain right. Thank you for reading
No. 49905
>>124753
Sure, and you're right to some degree, but almost every post in this thread is people acting like they have cases so severe that they absolutely should be institutionalised.
I think that like you said, people do have legit illnesses, but everyone's pushed to be able to play the victim almost, and if they claim that they're so, so bad, they get a bit more attention.
As I said, I'm ignoring all the armchair psychologists with no idea what they're talking about and the people who're obviously just making it all up, but there's a lot of people posting kind of dramatized versions of the illnesses, and it makes no sense to me why anyone would want to.
No. 49906
>>124754
You are extremely ignorant about mental health and mental health care.
>every post in this thread is people acting like they have cases so severe that they absolutely should be institutionalized
>people acting like
>acting
>there's a lot of people posting kind of dramatized versions of the illnesses
>dramatized
How could you (or anyone in this this thread really) decide that someone is "acting" or "dramatizing" their illness in this thread (or in life even)?
Do you really think that mental illness is rare? or something that never happens beyond some mild anxiety or something?
It's not really talked about much IRL, especially not about anything above like light social anxiety. Even depression is just starting to really get attention in the media/popular culture.
You also seem to think that someone who has a moderate-severe mental illness is going to easily get put into a mental health facility long term or "institutionalized". Compared to back in the day, we don't lock the crazies and throw away the key anymore really (not in 1st world countries at least, in my shitty country of origin we do sadly sometimes).
It's not easy to be institutionalized or be put in long term care. You have to be literally pants shitting autistic or a severe schizophrenic. The only people I've seen stay long term at a hospital are of this sort or just so poor and low income that they have to stay there to get any medical attention.
In certain places they will "hospitalize" if your doctor thinks you are are going to hurt yourself or someone else but they only really hold you for a few days.
Not only that, if you are not very low income the inpatient care is ridiculously expensive and most will not opt to go in even if maybe they should. I'm middle class and got "forced" (I went willingly though)to go into inpatient for two weeks and got billed 20K. My insurance paid for some but the bill left was 12K. Usually these places will charge you 1K+ per day, and the service is often horrible. The best place I went to charged me like 2K+ a day but I went to a cheaper option once (a hospital that boasted being one of the best in the state! hah!) and they mistreat you so badly. Often going there just makes you feel worse, the doctors and nurses are apathetic at best (and can even be cruel sadly, disgusting people) and some of the patients are scary and violent. I also went for two weeks to another facility voluntarily to stabilize on meds but after that I left. This may not be very common for most people though.
I'd also like to add that maybe people feel scared to talk about these things to get help, it can be embarrassing and often times your issues prevent you from talking about them. When my delusions were at their worst, I was sure the TV was talking to me and that everyone was plotting for me to kill myself. You think I told my doctor (who was possibly in the conspiracy, at least in my head he was) this? hell no. I think I should have been hospitalized then, but only did I receive real help many years down the line.
TLDR;
I'm sure many people here -have- been hospitalized, often times it may be hard to receive real care to due fear and also costs, you can't decide when someone is "making it all up" (and if anything, that's so horrible and makes people scared to talk as well. I'm sure if people knew me IRL knew about my delusions they might think that because I'm not violent or like running around the street naked, you don't have to look/be a certain way to be mentally ill, and institutionalization in general is not at all how you envision it.
No. 49907
>>124755
Kek, strike a nerve did I?
>Do you really think that mental illness is rare
Severe mental illness is, and there's a lot of people who "TO ME" feel like they're playing up their symptoms, because they really only exist in the most severe cases, who aren't capable of caring for themselves, and do end up in long term care.
Seriously, are you retarded? Psych units exist in every first world country, as does accommodation with care for people who can't look after themselves long term.
If you're psychotic, or otherwise deemed to be a risk to yourself (either directly, or via a complete inability to look after yourself or maintain basic hygiene) or others, you can be involuntarily committed to a psych unit.
And I don't care about your sob story really, I was just making a point that it's strange to me how people in these threads tend to present themselves as worse off than people I've met in inpatient units. I wasn't pointing fingers for a reason, because it's retarded to make accusations that I obviously can't back up.
And yes, I realise what being in a psych unit is like, I wouldn't make comments about it if I didn't have any experience with it.
Seriously, if that upsets you that much, it seems to me like you could be the sort of person I'm talking about, especially seeing as how you added a whole extra bit about how terrible your symptoms were at the end, even if it wasn't relevant.
No. 49908
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>>124756
I guess your postgrad in psychiatry is helping you a lot.
No. 49911
>>124756
>Severe mental illness is, and there's a lot of people who "TO ME" feel like they're playing up their symptoms, because they really only exist in the most severe cases, who aren't capable of caring for themselves, and do end up in long term care.
The point I was trying to make is that having "bad" depression or anxiety or any other health issues isn't going to necessarily get you in long term care (unless like I said you are like so not functioning that you are a constant threat to yourself/others or shitting yourself).
Most people who may even benefit from inpatient care don't get it at all anyways,which is something else I was trying to say.
>seriously, are you retarded? Psych units exist in every first world country
Of course they do, that's what I said. I was saying that the whole long term inpatient care is really only a thing if you are beyond extreme or just poor as fuck.
>If you're psychotic, or otherwise deemed to be a risk to yourself (either directly, or via a complete inability to look after yourself or maintain basic hygiene) or others, you can be involuntarily committed to a psych unit.
Duh. I said that.
>present themselves as worse off than people I've met in inpatient units
Most of the people that I've seen in inpatient units that are very far gone are just pretty much non verbal or loony enough that you can't really talk to them at all. Most of everyone else though just comes off as "normal" people with issues, many of which you don't notice when you first meet them. Obviously something is off since they are there, but for the most part it's not like you'd look at them and think "crazy". Anyways I do think it's easier to share stuff online (especially about mental illness since it can be shameful for some) so maybe that is why we see more "intense" cases vs what you or me see in people normally (since they may not show right away or even share with us). That being said, sure maybe some people lie or exaggerate just like with anything.
>especially seeing as how you added a whole extra bit about how terrible your symptoms were at the end
I added like a sentence at most lol. It was relevant, because I bet you think even symptoms like those are "rare" when they are not, and I am not an "extreme" case of mental illness in any way and "function" pretty well although I've had issues. I'm sure most of us aren't non verbal,noticeable "crazy", throwing shit at each other.
>your sob story really
huh? what sob story? saying I've been inpatient? I'm not sure how you think that is a sobs story or irrelevant in a mental health thread.
I'm just passionate about mental health anon :)
No. 49913
>>124759
Yeah, I'm sure you're not. And seriously, the fact you're getting so head up over me asking if it seemed that way to anyone else or just me says you're evidently a bit touchy about the topic.
I wasn't accusing anyone on purpose, and even if I was, this isn't some retarded Tumblr safe space where no-one's allowed to question things because it might trigger someone.
>>124760
>The point I was trying to make is that having "bad" depression or anxiety or any other health issues isn't going to necessarily get you in long term care
Good thing I didn't say that then.
>Of course they do, that's what I said. I was saying that the whole long term inpatient care is really only a thing if you are beyond extreme or just poor as fuck.
Yes, and my point is that there's a lot of people who're claiming to be at that extreme state in this thread.
>Duh. I said that.
You didn't, you said
>In certain places they will "hospitalize" if your doctor thinks you are are going to hurt yourself or someone else but they only really hold you for a few days.
>Most of everyone else though just comes off as "normal" people with issues, many of which you don't notice when you first meet them. Obviously something is off since they are there, but for the most part it's not like you'd look at them and think "crazy".
Most of the time, I agree completely. People are just overall very quiet. But when people come in, you see them at their worst one way or another, or you do while they're in there stabilising.
>That being said, sure maybe some people lie or exaggerate just like with anything.
And that's literally all I was asking, if it seemed like there was a lot of people who exaggerate issues relating to this stuff, because I personally don't understand why anyone would want to come off as worse than they are.
>It was relevant, because I bet you think even symptoms like those are "rare" when they are not
Having any psychotic features at points in your life is something that less than 1% of people have, let alone severe chronic psychotic illnesses, which yes, are really rare.
>>124761
Well, as I've said, I'm not going to give specific examples, because that's retarded to do, start pointing fingers, so it's kind of an impossible point to discuss.
For example though, because I think this is vague enough, think about when someone claims they're constantly suicidal. If you're constantly suicidal, you're very clearly extremely unwell, because thoughts and intent towards death are almost always on your mind. This would be very crippling, and would obviously result in hospitalisation. I'm sure you can agree with that much, right? Not just regular thoughts, but constant thoughts.
Yet, you see people claim that sort of stuff online all the time.
That was my entire point. I was asking if it seemed to anyone else like discussion of mental illness on any sort of forum seemed to bring out a lot of those people, or if that was just me.
No. 49915
>>124762
I'm only
>>124761
>>124760
>>124755
>And seriously, the fact you're getting so head up over me asking if it seemed that way to anyone else or just me says you're evidently a bit touchy about the topic
Yeah, so? I do feel strongly about this topic. It's not like I'm crying over this or having a PaNiC AttAck (lol) but ofc I do like to state my opinion. If if comes off really weird in terms of writing it's probably because I'm ESL.
>Good thing I didn't say that then.
Sorry I did not explain myself well. What I was trying to say is even if you are having a bad mental health issues doesn't mean you will be put in long term care (I.E long term to me means months or years in inpatient care).
>Yes, and my point is that there's a lot of people who're claiming to be at that extreme state in this thread.
Ok. I did not read through this whole thread but I can believe that.
>You didn't, you said ""hospitalize" if your doctor thinks you are are going to hurt yourself or someone else "
What I meant is you can be put in involuntary care for short period of time. I think you also said this albeit more fancy than me haha.
> People are just overall very quiet. But when people come in, you see them at their worst one way or another, or you do while they're in there stabilising
Yeah, I agree I was just trying to explain you can't really tell right away how loopy someone in. In my experience most people seem more "normal" at first but as the days go on they stop either pretending or just let loose more. But if I was just outside and saw them they would look "normal" and I couldn't say how severe or not severe they are.
>chronic psychotic illnesses
Yeah, chronic psychotic illness may be rare but I was just trying to explain in general that a 'severe mental illness' happens at a rate bigger than we may think. I think around 5% of people in the US are estimated to have a "severe" mental health illness and I'm sure many more fall on the moderate scale.
I used my example because I thought it would fall at least on the moderate scale and I'm not in long term care not was I when this was going on. Sorry if this was not clear.
>For example though
Yes I understand and I agree. I can see someone like this getting "involuntarily" detained for a few days usually thought although like I said, they might benefit from longer care.
>you see people claim that sort of stuff online all the time
I think its a combination of factors:
> easier to talk about, no shame
> wanting to get support from others with same illness or issue
> people who are online a lot may be lonelier or have issues already (hence maybe why they are online so much) so we may see "more" people with these issues vs in normal sample in population. I feel like this is even more true for image board people.
> some may lie too. TBH I don't blame people for lying a bit because maybe they want to feel like they are not "extreme" enough for people to take them serious etc but I don't think it's right. I understand but not encourage. I do try to trust everyone on this mental illness stuff though because I know it may be hard to talk about in general (unless there are many signs that they are fabricating or lying) .
No. 49916
>>124763
Why even bother posting if you're just going to act all upset about it? As I said, this isn't Tumblr, there's no safe spaces or whatever the fuck, if you want that, go there.
>>124764
>If if comes off really weird in terms of writing it's probably because I'm ESL.
It's a combination of that and me simply assuming you were samefagging and were the other triggered anon. Apologies.
>What I was trying to say is even if you are having a bad mental health issues doesn't mean you will be put in long term care (I.E long term to me means months or years in inpatient care).
And you're right, I didn't ever mean that, because really long term like that is honestly usually dementia cases or other sorts of debilitations, there's less mental illness that needs to be in a psych unit for that long. Long term in a psych unit to me means like, a month or two.
>Ok. I did not read through this whole thread but I can believe that.
Which is why I mentioned it seeming kind of off to me, that people would be that extreme and not currently in crisis, not to mention able to word it really calmly and well.
Even in the vent threads on /b/ you see people who're in crisis over other things, and it's not like a calm discussion of how much stuff sucks, there's a lot of emotion. When people are just calmly discussing how they're these extreme cases that are happening right now, it seems off to me.
>What I meant is you can be put in involuntary care for short period of time.
Yeah, I think that was just a wording issue, we agree here. My country even has special in between wards you go to between ER and a longer term psych unit to see what's appropriate for you.
>Yeah, I agree I was just trying to explain you can't really tell right away how loopy someone in. In my experience most people seem more "normal" at first but as the days go on they stop either pretending or just let loose more. But if I was just outside and saw them they would look "normal" and I couldn't say how severe or not severe they are.
You're right, but I was just talking about the symptoms, not presentation. Most of the time really unwell people just present as quiet, but you see through it over time, and they do get distressed and it shows. And obviously patients talk about each other to some degree.
>I think around 5% of people in the US are estimated to have a "severe" mental health illness and I'm sure many more fall on the moderate scale.
I haven't heard this data, but I'd be interested in how they measured it. Most mental illnesses don't really have like a set "Severe, moderate, mild" specifier like MDD does. And even then, if we just mean depression, is just one severe episode enough to be classified as having a severe illness?
I'm curious how they decided that.
> people who are online a lot may be lonelier or have issues already (hence maybe why they are online so much) so we may see "more" people with these issues vs in normal sample in population. I feel like this is even more true for image board people.
I'm sure this is a factor, and it's why I don't really ever assume people are flat out lying about having illnesses unless like you said it's really obvious (like people claiming to be aware of active delusions or something), but I'd imagine most people who're that extremely bad off probably wouldn't really feel like there was much point posting.
> some may lie too. TBH I don't blame people for lying a bit because maybe they want to feel like they are not "extreme" enough for people to take them serious etc but I don't think it's right. I understand but not encourage. I do try to trust everyone on this mental illness stuff though because I know it may be hard to talk about in general (unless there are many signs that they are fabricating or lying) .
This is actually what I was asking for, I was curious if anyone could figure why. But even with that extremeness thing, I can understand that with a doctor, like, if you've been passed over and don't want to be this time so exaggerate a bit, I'd understand that. Once again, honesty is best, but I get where they're coming from.
But what motivates people to do it online? You don't really get anything but attention from it. And why would anyone want to try to derive attention from an illness like that, to the point where it's obviously not just wanting to talk about it, but it's wanting everyone to treat you like you're so much worse off.
What do people get out of being the biggest victim, or the worst case in the current discussion?
That's what's more interesting to me than if anyone in particular in this thread is telling the truth, I just mentioned it here because there was a few posts that made me think of it.
No. 49919
File: 1476221286476.jpg (71.91 KB, 720x720, 1470875142087.jpg)
Don't have any professional diagnosises or anything but im pretty sure im depressed and maybe npd. Alcoholic too.
No. 49921
File: 1476226576024.jpg (25.7 KB, 640x416, hawkingwomen.jpg)
>>124766
Anon, are you me? I do the exact same thing since I was about 8, that's when I got depressed due to familly problems and abuse, I've had a pretty fucked up childhood. Over the time it' s only been getting worse and worse, now I spend almost everyday living in my head and watching stupid stuff like dancing tutorials, kpop videos, catwalks and picturing myself taking part of them this and binge eating are the only things that calm me down. The thing is that I feel like I have no control over this stuff and everytime I try to stop I fail.For example, I don't even like kpop not the music nor the culture but I watch the videos because they are visually stimulating and I like to imagine myself taking part of them. I have no attention spawn, have no motivation, struggle to do normal daily routine, I despise myself and have problems expressing my thoughts and I am extremely incoherent in speaking and in my thinking process.Everything is absolutely excruciating to me.I have trouble sleeping because i wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared and I can't breath.My parents took me to a psychologist 2 years ago, the psychologist sent me to a psychiatrist and she put me on some antipsychotic medication.It was the most terrifying experience of my life, I had hallucinations from the medication and started to have panic attacks and I landed in a hospital that psychiatrist was working in and she put me on a lot more pills, that helped me with my attention spawn and I remember I could really focus on learning but after a few months I started getting bad side effects from that medication too, she said she would change my medication and add some extra stuff but my parents were pressuring me to stop taking the pills because they were expensive and ,,it was all in my head and had to think more positively" so i went cold turkey and it was a bad idea to do so.Now i'm a mess, i've been for years.I only want to get better and be able to do shit like everyone else does, I don't want to be ,,normal", I only want to get shit done, learn and use my intellect I would like to be able to read a fucking book.I'm sorry for this autistic and messy post PLEASE HELP MEE
No. 49922
>>124766
I did this my senior year of high school when I was getting out of an emotionally abusive friendship/relationship and still had to see him every day…like I would spend entire class periods in the bathroom just sitting there daydreaming about a whole different life, being famous and adored and shit. also pretty much wrote a movie entirely in my brain, it was about lesbians, I don't remember too much about all that now…anyway, yeah, totally maladaptive as I almost flunked out of my senior year and almost didn't graduate high school
so yeah, for me, it was definitely a response to trauma/abuse and sort of…splitting my consciousness to escape another more painful consciousness? I'm 23 now, and I still have some weeks where I'll be going through something rough that reminds me of my abusive past and I'll go right back into spending hours just, staring at the ceiling and thinking about living every other life but mine…but it's gotten to the point where I've weirdly worked it into my schedule and been able to limit it to times when I'm not expected to be productive (weekends, evenings) and the rest of the time, I'm clear and feel ok. so yeah, I don't know if you'll be able to stop it completely, but maybe sort of embrace it and tell your brain that it can daydream later, and then give it a chance to when you're done with your work
hope I helped? :)
No. 49926
File: 1476868228780.png (148.36 KB, 640x1136, IMG_2351.PNG)
a mental health thread? cool, time to feel like an attention whore and rant about my life and how much i hate everything because my brain is defective! any other bipolar/sperg/ocd/misophoniacs here might be able to relate. maybe. idk
so basically i've been feeling lost and stuck in a cycle of nothingness for the past half-year because i'm done with high school and have no college plans because i'm a retard. all of my friends are off in college with a plan for their lives and i'm stuck at home, basically spending 90% of my time in my room, sleeping 12+ hours a day, binge eating, and wasting away on my computer. i've been applying for work but i don't have a car or driver's license yet which seriously complicates things.
i think about my lack of college plans and i keep telling myself that it's all my fault for being lazy in school and not taking any time to think realistically about my future. i graduated with a mediocre GPA so i don't even have anything to work with. another part of me is saying that i'm justified in my lack of effort. since i was a little kid i've always wanted to work in the medical field. in the emergency room, specifically. but i can't. this is where my mental health begins to become a problem:
i am 100% incapable of working in the ER because of misophonia, OCD, and autism. my tics and issues aren't fixable with medication or therapy. loud noises, certain smells i'd be exposed to, feeling pressured…. the fear of catching a sickness would keep me up at night. doing anything wrong makes me burst into tears. my misophonia trigger sounds are caused by sick people. the hospital, despite being the place i want to work most, scares me beyond what words can describe. people scare me because they hurt me with sounds without even meaning to. i have trouble understanding speech at times and my goddamn OCD makes me have to repeat actions over and over which would interfere with the work. it hurts me so fucking much. why go to college if i can't get a career i want? that's assuming i can afford it anyways. i can't get anywhere. i'm stuck.
and there are other options. there always are. i can draw decently. i have a degree of artistic talent. i'm not amazing, but i feel like maybe, just maybe, i could make something of it someday. but that's just a feeling. logically, i'm never gonna make it. i can't make it. the field is so competitive, there are millions of artists that can do what i do better. my characters are boring. my art is repetitive. what good is art if i can only draw faces and SOMETIMES a decent body? i can't draw anything else well. it's mediocre, it's all been done before, and the horrible crushing feeling of seeing an artist my age or younger that has higher technical skill that is making money with ease…you'd think i'd be used to it. but it hurts more and more every time. i feel more and more useless and completely inferior. i lose the drive to practice. i cry into a pillow and bang my fists on my mattress and pull my hair out like the stupid autistic little mess i am just to get my frustrations out because my art isn't good enough to correctly portray my feelings and i'm too useless to find any other ways to vent. every drawing is another reason for me to hate myself. uninspired. never gonna make it. mediocre. that's all i am. i look at my art and i see something that could be amazing if i weren't such a sad sack of shit.
and of course there's the fact that i've been dealing with the unfortunate feeling of knowing that i truly am all alone in the universe. being raised christian, i was taught that there was an ethereal being that loved me and made me the way i am for a reason. i used to imagine guardian angels watching over me. my parents aren't scary christians or anything, they're at least somewhat contemporary in their views. so i never felt bad about being christian, i never had any bad church experiences. but when highschool started, something inside me just snapped. i don't know exactly what it was that made my faith vanish almost overnight. it couldve been the fact that i'd been learning more and more about science from an unbiased perspective, or maybe it was from me coming to terms with my bisexuality and realizing that christianity was making me hate myself for it even more. that time period was when i started to truly look at the world for what it was. i just knew that my faith was a lie. a part of me died that i'll never be able to get back. it's been almost 5 years since then and i still feel partially dead because i'm the only atheist in my family and watching them pray and do religious shit hurts me beyond what words can describe. it's horrible discomfort. it's guilt, feeling guilty for not being christian anymore. i can't believe because once the innocence of believing in god was robbed from me, it was burned to a crisp and destroyed forever. i feel like such a stupid neckbeard for having such a huge hate for religion. it pisses me off so fucking much. watching it control people makes me want to scream and yell at them to wake up and when my parents mention it i just want to cry and curl into a ball and go back to believing in god again. but i know now that i'm alone. i used to get angry at god for making me mentally disabled but now i have nobody but myself to be angry at. everything hurts. it still hurts. it makes me want to die because i know that there's nothing after we die, and i already feel like i'm living a life of nothingness so what's even the point anymore? i hate feeling alone even though i have some of the greatest and most supportive friends i could ask for. i guess now that i know souls don't exist, it makes everything seem fake and temporary. i don't know. i'm so alone.
the only thing keeping me going is a small flame in my heart that keeps telling me to write lore and stories and draw my characters and develop them and just fucking MAKE something cool, dammit. i don't want to let my family and friends down. i want to make people happy with my characters. i want to raise awareness for mental illnesses, i want to make money off of my art and watch my art improve, i want to exercise and get some muscle mass and finally take care of myself, i want to feel alive for the first time. some part of me wants to keep going. but the rest of me just wants it to end, or just stay as it is right now. i don't know what i want to do. i don't know if i even want to do anything or if i even can. i'm such a disaster. a year ago i dieted and ate healthy and lost 30 pounds(probably one of my only real achievements), making me average weight for my height. i gained it all back from going back to binge eating again. and now im binge eating more and more because i have nothing to do all day and no motivation to do anything and i hate myself and feel so angry and overwhelmed yet so fucking empty at the same time. my only "talent" makes me angry and anxious and makes me feel even more worthless. my existence has never felt more useless. nobody cares about my mediocre creations and i'm all alone in the universe and i'm a disappointment to everyone that's ever known me and i constantly let down the few people that look up to me. i'm an autistic mess in public and over emotional in general. i forget to take care of myself because my schedule is fucked and i just don't care about my body. i've picked at the skin on my chest and legs and face and i have sores now from my constantly picking at myself because i'm so trapped and i hate it so much. i hate how my misophonia isolates me and how my OCD makes me act so fucking stupid and makes my head spin all the fucking time because everything is so wrong. i let my disorders consume me and define me because i'm weak and spineless.
i just. don't even know anymore. i tend to make a big deal over nothing. it's selfish. somehow i feel so much better ranting to an imageboard filled with people who could potentially relate to me or sympathize because hell, that's the most social interaction i've been getting lately, anyways!
kill me
No. 49927
I've been lurking here for a year now and finally decided to post, because I hoped some of you could maybe help me: I'm in my 3rd semester in university, studying to become a teacher, but I‘m totally unhappy with my career choice. Right after high school I started going to law school (my parents „forced“ me) but because I really hated it, they allowed me to quit after one year. When I applied to study architecture but I was not good enough, so I settled for what I‘m doing now. (After one year I tried a 2nd time, but failed again.) Right before it started I was super motivated and happy, but when was soon disappointed because the classes don't interest me and I was not able to make any friends at all… I just feel so unconfident all the time, sometimes I can't even go to lessons because I feel literally stared at, everybody is talking and having fun and I‘m sitting here completely alone. When I was in middle school I started to somehow develop an eating disorder and struggled for years to get out of it. Now that my self confidence was obviously not very high to begin with I afterwards started to gain all the weight back and even more, so I‘ve been feeling ugly. At our school we had dance lessons and I was the only girl not participating, because I couldn‘t stand the thought of a boy touching me because I feel too fat/ugly. Im also very tall so that adds to my insecurity… I just feel like I missed out on so much fun in my youth and now im 21 and completely miserable. I have only a few friends, I barely ever go out and if i do I don‘t enjoy it at all. My parents are always nagging me, because I never go out, but I somehow can‘t change it. I constantly tell myself that from now on I'll change my life, but i'm never able to. The only happiness i my life is junk food, I’m not overweight, but if I keep this up I sooner or later will be. This week the new semester started and again I‘m all alone, although i told myself to be confident from now on, but I‘m just scared, I#‘m feeling so anxious, I barely dare to move. I sometimes keep my jacket on, because that maked me feel more „protected“. On a side note, I‘ve never had a boyfriend, I‘ve not even been kissed, but it somehow doesn‘t even bother me. In high school I had so many dreams and plans for the future, I wanted to study abroad (in Tokyo, yes I‘m a weeb) but now I‘m not doing anything, haven‘t even started learning the language and I just feel so burned out.
Sorry fort he long post and the mistakes I’m not a native speaker.
No. 49928
File: 1477025097927.png (2.36 MB, 1400x1773, 1474585362694.png)
Is anyone else schizoid here? It does not affect me badly or if it does I can not tell it does. I just never felt/feel the need to socialize. I guess this explains why I never tried to get a bf in high school or ever go to any social gatherings after school like dances, party's, etc.
No. 49929
File: 1477026094063.png (114.16 KB, 247x249, 1474971830542.png)
>>124768
The "better" one.
No. 49930
>>124775
I don't really know how to put my jumbled mess of thoughts into words. I've gone through, and continue to deal with, the whole "well, fuck, what's the point?" kind of thing, so I can relate a bit.
I think you're comparing yourself to others too much. Unfortunately I'm pretty damn fucked too, obsessively contemplate the meaning of my existence, if life's gonna have an end why not make it now, etc etc all that fun stuff, so I don't have any stellar advice, but from personal experience things get a lot easier once you realize there's no "correct" way to do life. This is something I need to remind myself a lot especially on days when I sleep too much or didn't use my time as productively as I could have. It's a ridiculous waste of time to stress about what we didn't do in the past.
Something I've been doing for the past several months, and to my own surprise been succeeding at doing it every day, is making a to-do list spreadsheet. I write up a list for the day, even simple stuff like "do the dishes" or "water the plants." Then I cut and paste each finished task into a "done" section. At the end of the day I cut the whole thing out into a word document and write about my day or my mood or whatever. On my good days I noticed I don't really want to write anything but on my bad days I often wall-o-text myself. It's been therapeutic since it allows me to write down all of my thoughts but I don't have to edit them to be ripe for posting on anon boards.
I think it's important to recognize your own accomplishments even if they're small.
Alternatively for you I think it would be beneficial to write a list of goals and what you need to do to achieve them. I have a fucking terrible memory and it's really helped relieve some of my stress when I write down a task as soon as I realize it. It's on the list, I don't need to worry about all of the things I've potentially forgotten because they've left my head and are all in my computer. And keep your room clean if you don't already. I've basically dwindled down all of my belongings to the bare minimum because I know suicide will be my way out in the distant future and it feels pretty good being aware of and appreciating everything I own. Hm that sounds counter-productive towards you being like "hey I'm prepping myself to peace out at any moment lol" but I've gotten over the whole bitterness at the universe and constant striving to be happy part of being depressed and am probably as mentally healthy as I'll ever be. I'm doing my best to make my family happy and cherish every moment I have with them and once they're gone I will be too. But for now I'm here, and I've got shit to do.
Anyway the list thing probably won't be life changing but I'd say give it a try. At the very least you'll be organized as fuck. Best wishes anon, I've been blessed in that my hobby has become my career and it's online to boot. Hope you can find something fulfilling.
No. 49932
File: 1477186017530.jpg (2.42 KB, 125x125, 3232.jpg)
I have really bad paranoia. I thought it was tolerable before when I was NEET but now I work as a dental assistant and my intrusive thoughts are killing me.
It's been two weeks of
"The other girls think you're in the way, they hate you!"
"You'll never get x-rays right"
"You're slaving away for doctors that hate you"
"You're going to get hepatitis in exchange for a shit wage"
"you're not as pretty as the other girls so you'll be the first to be fired"
ect.
The receptionist bought me a coffee mug today and all I could do was assume that she got it for me because I was annoyingly using one of her coffee mugs at work (I'm not sure if I was even using her coffee mug, we have about 12 shared mugs at work). She was probably just being nice.
No. 49934
File: 1477929178730.jpg (30.83 KB, 599x462, 1472562858974.jpg)
I always felt wrong, but I always tried to take it as it was just normal behaviours and thoughts from a normal person that has gone through some shit.
Anyways, my dad forced me into therapy, and had my first appointment and the lady did some weird test that made me feel really uncomfortable with those fucked up questions. Then she remitted me to the psychiatric whose appointment is tomorrow and I just can't stop feeling disappointed of myself.
I always said that I will overcome this by myself, but it just got progressively worse overtime.
The scary thing is, I'm afraid I'm becoming my mother.
No. 49936
Seems like being borderline, depressed and having anxiety are the Tumblr health/mental disorders of the fucking moment which is really annoying and belittling to the ppl that actually have them, but whatever. I'm not boderline, nor have I ever been diagnosed with it, but besides that I have actually been diagnosed with all of the above, except BPD and depression. However, many psychiatrists have attempted to put me on many different types of antidepressant over the last few years, which I did not like.
Anyways, idk if anyone else has mentioned it, but being an addict fucking sucks. It's not glamorous and takes fucking everything from you. I'm trying to work on it while finding a new doctor before I try to settle in to a new job. I'm addicted to heroin but it's not because I just decided to try it one day. I went through a traumatic physical event and was prescribed a variety of opiates, many were even injected and gave me a rush very similar to heroin. Can anyone else relate? It's a fucking epidemic right now in the US, it's crazy.
No. 49938
>>124785
I agree with this post completely, the self diagnosis that goes on is fucking crazy, and seriously insulting to people who do legitimately suffer from those conditions.
I find it really strange that people get so insanely upset when someone fakes having cancer, but then it doesn't seem to be a big deal when some teenager pretends to have whatever the currently in condition is.
And yep, I can relate to the second part, though I'm addicted to oxy. It's absolutely nothing like people online often act like, there's nothing glamorous about being mostly out of it and incoherent, or puking your guts up because you dosed too much. People also seem to ignore that alcohol isn't the only drug that gives you a hangover as well.
That's ignoring how the drug becomes everything you think about, how all you can think about is getting high and how you'll get high, when most of what you do is at least somewhat based around getting high, all of that shit tends to get ignored when people act like the whole "sex drugs and rock and roll" lifestyle is some great thing to be aspired towards. Playing live is great fun if you're passionate about your instrument and entertaining, but there's nothing to be envied about heading back to a mates place with people who are only there either to sell you drugs or because you have them and then passing out there after a gig. And that's pretty mild as far as that sort of stuff goes.
If there's one thing I don't get, it's why these issues are treated in a way like they're somehow desirable or cool, it's just beyond me.
No. 49957
Oh cool, mental health thread. I'll bite.
I've got paranoid schizo with some disorganized symptoms, been diagnosed with it for… Mm, four years now?
I'm not taking any medications at the moment and haven't been for the last like, half a year or so, but i was before that and I stopped because I wanted a chance to try living with my illness. My psychiatrist always bitches about it, but I feel like I'm functioning okay-ish, though I think in the long run I'll probably wind up back on them. But really, as long as I can still attend uni and have a decent social life, I'm not too upset about trying to live with my illness rather than smothering it with medication. It's difficult, yeah, but it's liveable, at least for now, and I want that chance to not have to be medicated and see if I can do it on my own.
Aside from schizo, here's probably other shit I could be diagnosed with too, I'm a very likely candidate for PTSD due to some shit that happened in my life a couple years ago that definitely causes PTSD-like symptoms, but I haven't talked to anyone about it yet. I also feel like honestly, if I didn't hallucinate and have delusions/paranoia/etc, I'd probably be diagnosed with autism instead, but then again they're apparently pretty similar illnesses from a medical standpoint.
Since the topic of pets is being brought up, I have a psychiatric service dog and she'll be eight next year, she's a smaller breed and those usually live a while longer but I'm still concerned sometimes about how much time I have left with her because she's helped me a lot and I'm very attatched to her. She's probably one of the only reasons I'm able to get by okay while not being medicated, since she helps me distinguish reality from hallucinations- I've gotten better at ignoring voices, since I know logically that if she doesn't react to them then they're probably not real, same goes for visual hallucinations. It's still difficult when you hear them all the time, but it's a little more bearable when you have something to bring you back to reality.
No. 49958
I recently got diagnosed with BDP/bipolar disorder, they said it wasn't clear yet if they were comorbid or not and it would take some time to determinate it.
I always tought that bpd people were the sole definition of being an asshole, even though I always saw myself as a piece of shit.
My grandfather was bipolar and ruined his family. My mother had bdp and who knows what else, and she ruined her family.
And there is me, who ruined the most precious relationship I have ever had with my dad.
Poor man, he has been a constant victim, dealing with mentally ill people since he was a child, it's not fair, is definitely not. I honestly pity him, I try so hard to restraint myself and my impulses, to think twice the things I will say, do, my expresions and all that, but I always end up hurting him in some way.
He was soft, patient, sensitive… and I turn him in a different person for so many years. Our relationship has been recovering since 2013, I know the damage it's already done, but I want to get back all those wasted years of pain somehow.
The first time I found out he was crying because of me, I wished so hard I had never been born in the first place. I was 8yo at that time.
No. 49960
>>124212
I'm sort of fucked right now. The psychiatric help in my country is really bad and it's hard to get a proper diagnosis. I'm a mess and constantly feel like I'm going crazy, I feel like I'll be slipping in complete craziness every moment and I'm really scared of having hallucinations or hurting myself/others. My palms are always sweaty, I have a few panic attacks everyday and I always think there's something physically wrong with me. I always feel stuck in my head and like I can't connect with anyone, I feel disconnected from reality, I'm dizzy all the time, everything looks dreamish, I question reality, have intrusive thoughts, I'm really panicked in social situations, I can barely sit through school, can't focus on anything, my thoughts are super disorganized, can't sleep properly, feel like all the people around me are transforming into monsters or like they are not the people I used to know, my concentration is really bad.
I've been really thinking of killing myself lately and I think I might do it because I'm not even afraid of it anymore but still have some hope left because I'm pretty young but I'm afraid it will only get worse and worse as I age and I'll end up like my mom, stuck in my apartment and in my own definition of reality and hallucinations without mental care. I do see a therapist at the moment and he says I'm like this because of my fucked up childhood and family life, but to be honest I think it might also be genetical. I was thinking of going to a psychiatrist but I'm really scared since I know most of them are not good(the educational system is pretty bad here too, you can basically become what the hell you want if you have a little bit of money or connections) and there's bad stigma around mental sickness and you are considered irrecoverable, even people that suffer from things like depression or anxiety are considered to be completely dysfunctional. I'm also tired of all the kids pretending to be mentally ill or thinking is some cool shit I hope they end up going crazy in a mental hospital, doped with pills and being treated like shit.
Three years ago I ended up at a private psychiatrist after ingesting a huge amount of benzydamine in an attempt to kill myself while being high to ease the pain. I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder and was put on a trazodone based antidepressant but went off of it after one year because it made my skin itch like crazy and gave me indigestion problems. To be honest, I think it's more than GAD and panic disorder. I forgot to mention that I also talk to myself a lot on feel weird when I look in the mirror, feel like I'm not looking at myself.
I'm really sorry for all of you. I wished this world wasn't such a big mess.
No. 49961
File: 1481444153677.png (16.83 KB, 259x224, 2966600.png)
Anybody here with bpd take medication for it? I've heard about abilify and I'm seeing my psychiatrist soon and I was thinking about asking him about it.. It's really hard because a lot of mood stabilizer / antipsychotics seem to have weight gain as a side effect which terrifies me.
No. 49963
File: 1481676897084.jpg (45.98 KB, 480x480, IU77mJM.jpg)
>>124811
Social worker here. I've definitely heard people say that DBT was at least a little effective in helping them actually recognize how they tend to react and behave in interactions with other people.
As far as qualifying for the therapy I'm not sure what area you're in or what the mental health system is like. In my area (New York) a lot of outpatient therapists are knowledgeable in DBT and able to use it in working with clients. There are also inpatient, and intensive outpatient (going there like 8 hours about 3 days a week and doing groups and therapy) programs.
Sorry, I usually just lurk or post reaction images, and rolled in on this thread
No. 49971
>>124815
First of all, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was also molested as a child, by an older child and possibly family members (I blocked out a lot).
My sister was mean to me. Mean. Beat me up, threw things at me, remotes, rocks, clip board, was injured several times by her, she broke my wrist, cut open my back. This went on for years. Verbal abuse as well, the typical mean stuff but I was also bullied badly at school so then it was like coming home to another bully. The physical abuse stopped when I was around 12, she was older. We were on the steps and I flinched and braced to be hit when my sister raised her hand. My mom saw and decided my sister wouldn't hit me anymore. And she didn't. She got heavily into drugs though and my life was in a lot of turmoil.
My therapist is trying to figure out where all my anxiety comes from, so she made me talk about these events.
I cry very easily, so when I can talk about something without crying, it means I've mad peace with that thing. I didn't cry when talking to her about it. I've forgiven my sister for what she's done.
I know our lives and what happened to us is very different. But what I'm being taught, as crazy as this is, is that you ignore it. Phase it out. Detach. It's dangerous though because it can make you more likely to disassociate.
There is so much hurt and pain in what you went through. It isn't even about who's toy it was in the first place anymore.
It makes YOU feel better. That's all that matters. And your sister is petty to make such a comment about something she put in a box because she didn't want it anymore.
If you think she'd be open to dialog, write down what you want to say to her and then read it. Tell her to let you finish before she responds.
If she wants nothing to do with it, drop it. Be cordial but don't speak to her unless you need to.
No. 49973
>>49966Every anon has already said the right stuff, but I just wanted to add that in future you can be more vague in describing objects or what your hobbies that you are photographing are and stuff. It's best to cut out identifying details just in case you are allowing ammunition for irl people that recognize things to hurt you. I'm sure in this case it is vague enough, but just for future reference.
I'm genuinely hoping that your life improves anon, it feels like you've come a long way and I hope that you can continue to heal.
No. 49977
>>49975I've been inpatient 8 times between 3 places over the span of 12 years. It really depends on the facility, but the places I went were pretty chill over all and I'm definitely thankful I went (at least as an adult, the teen wards are not pleasant). It's scary at first, but you get used to it after a couple days. The big thing is to be warry when socializing with the other patients and, for the love of god, don't date anyone there. Remember that while most people are there for depression, there's always gonna be a couple who are there for more dangerous shit and often times they will lie so that they don't alienate themselves. One time I was inpatient there was a girl who started dating one of the guys there after two days of knowing him, and he ended up having to be put in isolation because he was having fantasies of raping and killing her. Turned out that was why he was there in the first place- he checked himself in because he was having fantasies of raping and killing a coworker. So yeah, don't treat it like camp or a dating site. Most of the people I've been with were really sweet and fun to be around, but there's always at least one or two that are genuinely psychotic. Some facilities place those people in different wards, though, and they'll almost always warn you if that's an issue.
Not trying to scare you or anything. Like I said, they were good experiences, you just have to have your wits about you with socializing.
No. 49978
>>49977>>49976Thanks. I'm definitely not trying to date anyone on the psych ward. I'm just afraid of being forced to take weird meds or having meds that do work for me some taken away from me.
I guess it's dumb, but I'd like to have my phone as well to stay in contact with people. All of my family live 800-1000 miles away, so it's not like they can visit. And really, I don't even want them to know I'd be going inpatient. I'd like to be able to text them as normal. Also the people who would be caring for my pets. My boyfriend is also in boot camp atm and I want to still be able to send him letters.
No. 49980
>>49978They legally can't force you to take meds if you go voluntarily. The only exception is if you attack someone and they need to sedate you. I'm assuming that won't be an issue for you, though. Double check that in case it's a state by state policy, but I'm 99% sure it's federal. Also, if you do decide to take meds they wanna prescribe you, get a second opinion from another doctor. I once had a quack try to prescribe me some insane shit that another doctor said he should be fired over when she saw it on my chart. I later Googled it and saw why she was so horrified.
You should definitely still be able to send your boyfriend letters, but any calls have to be made from the psych ward phone. You can always tell people you call that you're in the hospital for an intense flu or something, though, I'd you don't want anyone knowing about your mental state.
Also, if sexual abuse history has anything to do with your depression, be careful when talking about it on the ward. Patient confidentiality doesn't apply the same way in a psych ward, they consider you a "vulnerable adult" so if you report abuse, they are legally required to involve a social worker. If you don't name names then they'll give up and leave you alone, but it's something to be aware of.
No. 49985
>>49981I have had this same recollection before and I rationalized it like this. We look at lolcows and think they're stupid or horrible for whatever they're doing. They also put themselves out in the public eye and don't appear to ever want to improve themselves. Not saying that's true but that's what i perceive.
However we cross over into ot and we come across threads that have people being completely honest and anonymous. We share our experiences with our own mental health and we we feel sympathetic or maybe even empathetic.
I don't make fun of them for the mental illnesses themselves, I just make fun of what it creates. And yes, I am a complete hypocrite.
No. 49987
>>49982If it's a chill job, then it could potentially help with your depression! Sometimes the act of having some obligations/a reason to do stuff/a reason to shower, can totally help.
What modality of therapy are you in? Personally, I think CBT is extremely helpful for depressed people. (Diagnosed with severe and chronic depression, dysthymia, and ADD).
No. 49988
>>49987oops apologies for the double post, I meant to add that therapy has been helping me cope with the depression really well, so perhaps it can help you?
Good luck Anon, I'm really rooting for you. I hope you'll be able to find social support and that your depression can at least become more bearable.
No. 49989
>>49987>>49988Thanks, anon. I appreciate the kind words. Whatever job I get is going to be a shitty entry level one, probably at some place like Walmart or Home Depot. Hope you're right about having obligations. That's how I'm going to try to approach it anyway.
I'm seeing a therapist who does CBT and DBT. She's not the first therapist I've seen though for CBT, but unfortunately therapy doesn't seem to help much.
No. 49990
>>49989Different anon but I'm really rooting for you too and seconding what anon said about routine.
I don't know if this will be relevant to you but please try to just treat it like grinding in an rpg, if it's not working great at first then it's not the end of the world. There are so many different people in the service/retail industry that they will have seen someone inexperienced/shy/sad than you before and will again!
I was depressed and NEET for 2 years and my first job after that was such a shock because I wasn't used to it. They didn't keep me on for probation and at the time this made me feel like such a failure, but the fact I'd held it down that long proved I was at least partially capable of being showered and getting to work daily. That helped me feel more relaxed in the next place I worked, I haven't been let go since and I'm now self sufficient and doing much better. CBT, particularly the cheesy stuff where you talk to yourself and list all the things you actually HAVE achieved that day, really helped too.
No. 49991
>>49990Thanks a bunch for your support too. It's reassuring to hear from someone who had to deal with a similar situation.
How did you deal with feeling like a failure at work? I imagine I'll feel that way too plus some because I have social anxiety and feel like I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb. Not to mention I'm a minority in the new town I moved to (like 3 whites for every 20 black people) and worry people are going to hate me or judge me right off the bat.
No. 54169
File: 1485746721327.gif (1.66 MB, 212x153, no.gif)
I have had extremely bad social/agoraphobia since I was a child, which in my life most frequently and strongly presents itself in panic attacks and constant fear of school. I'm finally in my second to last semester of college but all I can think about all the time is the thousand ways I could fuck up and I feel this enormous certainty of failure hanging over me all the time. My fear and dread are so powerful that I end up spending my nights waking up again and again from nightmares about it, and then the whole day before class contemplating suicide, and after too if my day doesn't go perfectly. I know it's stupid but I can't remember ever being able to feel differently no matter how much I want to. At my best times I just feel like a robot making meaningless and thoughtless movements through empty tasks, as if my conscious mind has been turned off or removed from my body and life and is hovering behind a big whirl of fog or water. God I just hope I can physically make it through this last year okay and that somehow after this I will (magically) become calm and happy finally being free from my worst fear.
No. 64542
>>49404hey you probably have schizophrenia.
the drugs that treat it don't change your personality, they just make you realize that nobody wants to kill you and that there aren't coded messages coming from the tv. i recommend them.
No. 64640
File: 1499635333014.png (1.46 MB, 799x599, tumblr_oq1a8fMslE1w8biaso1_128…)
>>64622in short, because i hit all the diagnostic criteria save for the disinterest in sex, and descriptions of the disorder read extremely similar to my own diary entries throughout the years. i go days at a time without speaking to anyone but my husband, and strongly prefer it that way. at the same time, i honestly don't see a point in pursuing a diagnosis. i'm very happy this way.
this may or may not be a useful example:
when i was 13 i i felt a calling to join the carthusian order of nuns, a catholic religious order of monastic contemplatives. silence, solitude, asceticism, contemplation. this inclination towards solitude and disinterest in ~ the material ~ has been with me since my childhood and has only grown stronger and stronger.
as for money, i met my (now) husband online when i was 16. we're now married and in our mid-twenties. he works, i stay at home. i have some health problems that didn't emerge until my 20's that make working very painful/exhausting for me, so it actually has worked out pretty well. i love him very much; at the same time he's in large part the only thing keeping me engaged in the world.
sage for blogging
No. 65389
File: 1500845050589.png (414.84 KB, 661x600, 1498767749668.png)
Borderline, anxiety and bulimia. Been on meds since I was 11yo, probably will be for life.
I've been on so many different meds, mostly because I had a really inexperienced doctor. Some pill made my hand shake like I had Parkinson's, it was very creepy. I'm currently on citalopram and carbamazepine, klonopin for crisis. works great.
No. 65485
File: 1500986278847.jpg (124.73 KB, 343x454, 1364374436337.jpg)
The very fact that you are here and not being happy in a wide wide world, loving and being loved, proves that you got some sort of "tism".
No. 65490
>>65485This is a very slow website
People can have functioning lives and still check here once a week for 10 minutes anon
No. 65682
File: 1501264014782.jpg (306.71 KB, 1199x899, larsrealgirl.jpg)
Diagnosed Schizoid here. I'm more and more intrigued with the idea of buying a sex doll. Like a nice one, who I can use like a big ass Barbie doll and project characters from my interpersonal world onto.
I feel myself pulling away from human interaction, just getting by on the basics. I don't feel like I ever connect with anyone, but Im not lonely. I'd rather fargo the bullshit hoops people have to do to keep up friends because I feel I get nothing out of the interaction.
No. 65693
File: 1501267696285.jpg (244.82 KB, 828x1299, Battleangel Alita1.jpg)
Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and possibly other undiagnosed issues as I've only just started therapy.
The timing of this shit was so unfortunate for me. I come from a pretty working class family where education isn't important but I worked hard as fuck and got into one of the best universities in my country. But all that work seems to have been for nothing because my chance at graduating has been ruined by my mental health issues.
My grades are good in general and I love my degree but I've missed several exams throughout university. I tried to kill myself back in May after missing a few (though that wasn't the only reason) and since then my mental health has been rapidly deteriorating. I'm supposed to be going into my 4th and final year after this summer but I have 7 exams to sit between Monday and the 11th of August to get there. I'm trying to convince myself otherwise but I know I'm not in the right mental state to get good grades or even to sit them. I don't like to self-pity but I feel so fucked over by my life/health right now. Currently trying to convince myself that dropping out of my dream degree isn't the end of the world.
Has anyone else had to drop out/give up on something they love because of their illnesses? How did you cope?
No. 65831
>>65693battle angel alita <3 my alltime favourite manga <3
on topic: is there anyway you could do the exams belated? redo the year or something? get into a mental institution to get sick leave?
losing the possibility of a degree would only worsen the matters in my opinion
No. 66011
Bipolar personality disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, Depression, and a form of Paranoia.
My mental illnesses really fuck with productivity, and have really made me really really low. Even with medication, i just can't force myself to be happy for others or even enjoy things. I get these really low points and high points due to my bipolar, so nothing new for me. I also struggle to do even basic shit when i'm manic, which means, no not even doing my work, i have to obtain a insane amount of dish soap because its gonna save me from developing colds (I don't even know, thats what happened once). My paranoia messes with me, especially alone, and it just really makes things scarier for me. Yes, i know there isn't anything to bother me, and it doesn't help me at all.
No. 66085
File: 1501818491779.png (82.49 KB, 247x249, 1496825161639.png)
>>66011>bipolar personality disorderI'm gonna take a shot in the dark here and assume most of your labels are self-diagnosed, considering this literally isn't a thing.
No. 66089
>>66085the random
>a form of paranoiaseals it.
you can really tell who has what by the way they talk about it here. same with people who throw around the word dissociation or misspell it as dissassociation lmao. people rarely dissociate.
No. 66095
>>66089This. Idk about dissociation. Is it related to DID aka multiple personality? Or do they mean to say depersonalization? Not a mental illness I have exactly because I can avoid it, but smoking weed
triggers some bad depersonalization for me and it can last months. Shit sucks. I quit smoking, but sometimes still feel pressured to do it socially. If anyone has coping tips, that'd be great.
No. 66100
>>66095there's multiple types of dissociation. dissociative amnesia, depersonalization, and derealization with derealization being the most commonly experienced. people COULD have a dissociative disorder on its own, but its most likely due to a bigger underlying problem. dissociation is usually a symptom of ptsd and bpd (unless otherwise specified) and involves some type of deep trauma.
drugs will make you dissociate too of course by taking dissociatives, weed, deliriants, and hallucinogens.
dissociation has nothing to do with DID since DID isnt even real but what people claim the symptom of this roleplaying illness is would be considered dissociative amnesia, the part about "not realizing youre in a different state of mind/alter"
hope that cleared some things up for you.
No. 66251
>>66117That sounds awful. Did you ever get any justice for it?
I know personally a big part of the reason I can't get over my trauma is because my abuser was never brought to justice. I feel like that would go a long way towards healing. Because my abuser is out and was never punished, part of me still tells myself it was my fault bc in my fucked up head no jail time = no crime.
No. 66253
>>66092BPD chan here, when
triggered I dissociate and go numb, or retreat into my head to escape the situation. Unfortunately I get flashbacks at the most random times, and there's no specific
trigger, which really sucks as there's no telling where and when they will happen, and often happen in public which makes it hard to keep it together. I could be out shopping or go partying and suddenly I'll get a flashback and suddenly go very quiet/withdrawn and people think I'm being a moody bitch.
One thing I've noticed is I often seek out relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. I met this one guy and he reminded me of my abuser to a T, could have been his twin, and so ofc I was automatically drawn to him and fell for him, hard.
It was emotionally exhausting and very strange, but I guess I wanted to revisit the scenario and play it out and process it until it gave me a positive outcome. Fucked up that I slightly enjoyed it (only bc I knew this guy wasn't my ACTUAL abuser) but I've heard this is very common. All I can say is I'm glad that at least I'm not one of those ddlg freaks who regularly 'gets off' on my trauma. Far from it.
No. 66356
>>66284Well done for opening up to your parents, it must have been extremely hard to tell them. It sounds like you're in the early stages of processing and hopefully, recovering. Take it slow and don't force yourself to talk about it if you aren't ready. It might be too early but I'd really recommend professional counselling as it's almost impossible to fix CSA trauma by yourself, and some people's 'coping methods' actually end up making things worse. If you're in the UK ask your GP to put your name down for counselling. It often takes about a year to be seen, but it is worth it.
I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a male family member well over a decade ago and I'm still recovering. It's a long slow process but you deserve to be happy and free from the weight of these awful memories. Good luck anon.
No. 66367
>>66363That's excellent news. Hopefully once you explain the nature of your trauma they will set you up with someone who specialises in this field.
There are some great therapists and some shitty ones, you might have to go through a few until you find one you like, or you might be lucky and get a super helpful nice one first time round. They also let you pick either a male or female counsellor so you're more comfortable (I had to pick female as I was afraid of being alone with unfamiliar men and would have felt uncomfortable talking about the nature of it with a male counsellor)
Funnily enough I actually went to a sexual health clinic (many SHCs offer counselling) through the recommendation of my GP because she knew they would have specialist counsellors who have a lot of experience with CSA cases. So that's another option just in case.
No. 66369
>>66327What's 'insecure' about not wanting to be around mentally unstable people?
Serious question.
No. 66504
>>66369Just a mentally unstable person being insecure.
They are really draining.
No. 66521
>>66514Try to contact social workers and social institutions.
They will take you to the psych ambulance if they see that you really need. Or help to go to a psychiatrist much faster.
No. 67085
>>67084>I can't even tell them how I honestly feel, because the hurt and jealousy I feel is so irrational and petty and they'd think I was gross/controlling/insane. Why is he doing that is causing you to feel hurt and jealous? Even if your emotions feel over the top for the situation, I sincerely doubt they have no direct cause whatsoever.
>My partner doesn't really have time or energy for emotional shitThen he's not a good partner. Healthy relationships are not one-sided, and if your partner is unwilling to discuss any issues, you're completely in the right to feel angry at him, regardless of your diagnosis.
No. 67711
I really need some help. not really sure what to do, sorry if this is a bit long.
So I’ve started to notice some very unhealthy behaviour that is very often triggered by arguments with my friends and boyfriend. I have been a self-harmer on and off for the best part of 8 years. I have only cut myself around 4 or 5 times this year, but whenever I make someone angry enough to warrant upset or a telling off, I tend to start hitting myself out of pure self-disgust for upsetting people (mostly slaps in the face, or bruising my limbs with blunt objects). I usually am able to do this in private, but I recently got into a drunken shouting match with my boyfriend and instinctively started slapping myself to the point where he had to pin my arms down to stop me from hurting myself.
I need to make it clear that although this sounds terribly cruel, it was not done out of spite. By this I mean, I did NOT start hurting myself in front of him to gain sympathy during the argument, I just got so angry at myself for making him upset with me that I started hurting myself as a reflex response.
We are on ok terms right now. We haven’t seen each other or had a conversation but I messaged him goodnight saying that I love him and he responded by telling me he loves me too and calling me by my his affectionate nickname for me, but told me that he is “really bothered by the other night” and wants some time to himself, and that he will message me when he feels better. I obviously understand and respect his need for space, but I have a feeling that this is less about the argument (which was a petty thing) and more about my unhealthy reaction to the argument. I feel like I must have deeply hurt and upset him by harming myself in front of him. Whenever I have cut myself in the past and he has seen the plasters on my arms he always gets really reproachful because he doesn’t understand why I would want to do that to myself.
Anyway, what I am really here for is advice on how I can talk to him both about my self-harming tendencies as well as what happened the other night. I want to make it clear that there is not really any logic to my self-harm, and that my doing it in front of him was not an attempt to win sympathy but a reflex response, albeit obviously an unhealthy one. I want to SINCERELY apologise for putting him through this, but I also want to help him understand that as a mentally ill person I struggle to stay in control of my emotions.
As a side-note, the day after the argument I booked myself an appointment with a therapist (I am also on medication but it doesn’t really help with this). I fully intend on getting help so that my poor boyfriend does not have to be on the receiving end of my illness.
I’m sorry that this was so long, but I just cannot figure out how to discuss this with him without coming across as self-pitying. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him over my own unhealthy tendencies. Our argument was stupid, and I really escalated it by hurting myself, and I am afraid that I have caused lasting damage to him.
tl;dr self-harm over arguments, did this in front of bf after fight, worried i have scared him and don't know how to apologise
No. 67714
File: 1505778082638.jpg (88.8 KB, 736x1103, 4a0090d04283d1bc1ffd65237c2bb6…)
I think ruined the only chance i had of a meaningful relationship
I raged at a guy im in love with because he is going with some girl.
I went full blown pyschotic episode and called her fat and disgusting and said he could better, cried my eyes out, attemped suicide to get some pity out him but he got sick of my bullshit.
Im currently not in treatment due to being very resistant to medicine in general, my family being very stigmatizing and somewhat abusive.
They don't want to be parents of the crazy kid and back when i was i treatment they wouldn't let me leave the house if they didn't see fit (not really illegal since im Crazy MCpsycho to the law)
Honestly im just thinking i will pull the rope because its unberable.
Its like Im pure Arsenic, i ruin everything i touch.
No. 67743
I'm having a really hard time with my mental illnesses. I hate myself so much, I hate the world, I have very few friends, I'm always terrified my fiance is one day going to decide to leave me, and I'm in my mid-twenties but still have no career path. I've also gained 40 pounds since this time last year and am having a much harder time being disciplined enough to lose it. That's my biggest problem, the mental issues and my lacking of discipline are very intertwined. Like, I'll lack the discipline to lose weight because my depression is fueling my desire to eat. I'll lack the discipline to overcome my mental illness obstacles to advance in life. As a result, I'm just a lowly restaurant employee who doesn't even make $15 an hour.
I've struggled with intense depression since I was 7 (when I first started feeling suicidal). I was longing for death the majority of my life until I was with my fiance and wanted to live so I could be with him. But now I have to find a way to get past a lifetime of being a mentally ill train wreck going nowhere in life to get it together for him. We've been together 3+ years and I'm better, but nowhere near where I want to be. I'm starting to fear I'll never get there.
I have no insurance now, so seeing a therapist isn't an option even though I really want to. I've only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I think I have way more extreme things than just that. I haven't been evaluated in some time and I always with old things or lie. I have a feeling if I had a purely honest evaluation, I'd be given a pretty damning diagnosis. That's why I'm never honest.
I'm a pathological liar. I've really toned it down, though. My fiance is the only person I'm 100% honest with, but the first few months we were together I told him some pretty crazy shit to see how he'd react. He reacted the way I had hoped he would, thus passing my fucked up "test" and I then told him everything I lied about. To my amazement, he stayed with me. It actually made him more into me because I think his protection instincts went into overdrive and he became obsessed with "saving me". Our relationship is a lot healthier now, though.
I also make shit up on lolcow and 4chan all the time. Like, I'll lie and say I shared an experience with someone to make them feel supported, or make up some anecdotal story to prove my point. Sometimes I'm telling the truth, but usually not. I really seek a bizarre validation from both these places that I can't explain. I spend too much time here, but it's the biggest outlet I have for my toxicity. I'm so toxic, which is why I have hardly any friends. I'm a good friend to some, but I keep my distance from people to avoid them catching on to just how fucked up I truly am.
No. 67759
>>67725Ok but, why are you in a relationship with him? Why not just friends? sorry, I hope I am not coming across rude it just seems rather opportunistic of him.
>>67731>do you even have to ask?Yes dr phil, we arn't all experts like you.
No. 67777
>>67725If he were genuinely interested in helping you, he would do so without getting involved with you romantically. Being in a relationship with a 18 year old at his age is inappropriate and disgusting no matter how you frame it.
He is 100% taking advantage of you and there is no excuse for it. This isn't healthy for you and I can almost guarantee your mental health will continue to deteriorate if you continue to stay in a relationship with him.
For fuck's sake, anon. He's old enough to be your grandfather.
No. 67793
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>>67777Anon but what am I going to do if I exit this relationship? I have no one, no friends, no family and I'm socially retarded and feel like I have no identity. I do not know how to make friends, I have had a boyfriend before but he left me after a year because of me being mentally ill. I realise how gross it is so that's why I posted about it here since I wanted to talk and get it off my chest. But if I leave him what am I going to do when I will be all by myself again? This is the worst I've been in years I'm afraid I will actually kill myself if I'll be lonely again.
No. 67807
>>67793Not that anon but I would say this. Ask about being his friend, and not in a relationship, because it really sounds like he is taking advantage of your predicament and if he says no then he doesnt really care about you because if he does he would understand and still be your friend. I was in a similar situation (the guy was even older) and please dont take this wrong not judging you or thinking you're gross for me its more concern for you because I can relate.
However I would also say
>>67777 is right tho, again talking from experience that in the long run it wont be great for your mental health.
No. 68135
So I was wondering if any of you fellow farmers have experienced the same “symptoms” I have and if you could offer any advice.
To begin with, I've noticed I can't watch any form of media or I immediately feel, well, I don't even know how to put it in words… depressed? The best example I can think of is, not too long ago I watched a romance movie and after it ended my relationship felt weird, uncomfortable, it took me like a week to go back to feeling like everything was normal. Or if I play a game where there’s a party, I immediately feel like going out even though I hate parties. I guess I could say any form of media messes with my perception or reality, but I don’t think I’m disassociating because I don’t feel any fogginess or like I’m not myself. Other than that I can sometimes feel very happy and loving, and after 3 or 5 minutes I swear to god I can feel how the happiness is evaporating and it gets me really stressed, because I wish I could feel like that for a while longer. I also can be very social and then completely cut off people for months.
Idk, I’m desperate, there are only 2 psychiatrist in my town and both are pretty shitty. They asked me what was wrong with me, interrupted me when I was explaining and then told me I was just depressed. I just wish I knew what to do with myself because in those very brief periods of mental stability I have, I can tell that it’s really messing with my life.
No. 68156
>>68144I'm not looking for others to fix me but as I stated before being alone means all my thoughts work against me. How am I using him to garner sympathy points? I posted as anonymous and it's not like I'm going on the streets flaunting my relationship to get pitty points. I didn't state people owe to take care of me but any human being deserves affection therefore I deserve it too but the person I found is just not completely appropriate for me.
I'm not afraid of being single as not in a relationship I'm afraid of being alone, completely alone because if you bothered to read all my posts I have no family and no friends besides him. I feel lonely because I'm actually really lonely. No reason to get so angery.
>>67807I asked him and he said yes he hugged me and told me he is sorry if he hurt me in any way and that I should have told him before that I was uncomfortable with a relationship. I visited him this weekend and we had a great time together without getting physicall in any way. I'm glad it turned out like this it motivates me to look at the future from a brighter perspective and think about the possibilities I will have in making friends and feeling the company of people.
No. 68172
>>68156ok so
>last year of high schoolwhere are you living if you have no family members?
where did you go after the hospital? to the 55 yr old's house???
>i cannot do anything by myselfbut also
>people don't owe it to take care of me if you can't do anything by yourself but don't want other people to take care of you, are you just in a constant state of neutrality… in your HS classroom or.. what
your posts are full of the "waah save me i have nothing i can't feel alone i'm self-destructing someone pay attention to me" content that every person with BPD posts on every forum ever. you do not get better and have a good future by avoiding being alone and avoiding responsibility, and you especially don't get it by filling voids so you can use outward blame as a reason why Life Is Hard. of course i grasp everyone's circumstance is different and i am definitely sorry for your hardships. rising to challenges is how you're going to make yourself a good life, not sitting idly by and repeating comfortable patterns
No. 68177
>>68172I'm living with my grandparents from my father's side but they hate me and don't even talk to me or look me in the eye. My father went abroad 7 years ago and he never came back he only calls them and also talks to me like twice a year.
They told me they only keep me in the house so I can finish high school but after that I cannot stay in their house anymore. I work a part time job 4 hours a day and I get 150 Euro per month and I pay for my food and sometimes I give them money for the utilities.
>When I said I cannot do anything by myself I actually meant that I cannot deal with social situations by myself.This is a mental illness thread a lot of posts will sound whiny because people are taking things off their chest.
No. 68184
>>68181What's up with you? Why are you so angry at this person?
>>67793Anon, I have this problem too, I'm in a relationship that I'm starting to think that's not good for me, I'm incredibly lonely but I don't have anyone to really talk about it, so I'm afraid I'd be completely alone without it. I understand it completely.
At the same time, as someone who is clinging to something potentially bad, I'll tell you this - please reconsider your relationship. Nothing good can come out of a person who's been mentally ill enough to end up in the ward and who is almost 3 times your age. You need someone closer to your age and someone functioning normally, to help you pull you realize what healthy lifestyle is. If you don't feel like breaking up, at least keep a lookout for some new friends.
No. 68188
>>68177ok, thanks for the clarification. i understand your situation is difficult and i am sorry to hear that. and from the snippets you posted it seems to me you're stuck in a victim mentality. shitty things happen but life does not owe you back for suffering. your grandparents might hate you but you have a place to live. some people don't even h>>68184
ave that luxury. you might feel you can't do anything on your own or meet people, but you managed to tell some 55 year old you weren't ready for a relationship. some people can't do that. i STILL have trouble doing that, and i am a full grown adult.
i think you can do more than you think, your attitude or views are the obstacles. being alone is instrumental in living a good life. self awareness and self compassion will help you, and that can only happen when you take the time out to sit with yourself.
when you work full time you can probably afford a shared room somewhere for cheap. i really don't know where you are though or how things work. i live in america and min wage sucks and people have to work super hard to get decent pay but it is doable especially if you don't have kids or college debt
>>68184i'm not that anon
No. 68558
I was diagnosed with BPD in 2013 and it's the fucking worst. Apparently it's comorbid wtih another condition I was diagnosed with in 2009.
This shit has cost me my career and strains all of my relationships. I am the human equivalent of a paper bag. Empty until I fill myself with whatever I'm fixating on this month, then once my foundation weakens everything falls out of the bottom and I start all over again. People think I'm fun and interesting because I am 'passionate' and 'interesting', but in all honesty I am a dumb animal being lead around by my explosive emotions and only 'interesting' because I am constantly hopping from one flight of fancy to another. I fixate intensely on things for brief amounts of time so I'm not even really sure what my true interest and hobbies are. I'm not even really sure of how I feel about the people in my life beyond the vaguest of terms.
I cannot keep money or a job to save my life. Since age 18 I've worked at 6 different places of descending salaries. My last job was in an adult daycare center, and I had to quit after 2 months because I could not stand how the staff treated the people who stayed there. It was worse than the nursing homes I'd work in. My lack of work makes money tight. As soon as I hit a downswing my bank account suffers. I buy myself things I don't need and covet material possessions as if they contain the cure for my broken brain. I cry and bitch and guilt trip and moan to my significant other until he cracks and buys me expensive shit then I turn around and get nihilistic and existential when whatever bauble I've finally obtained doesn't contain the happiness I wanted it for.
My life is about 87% big maladaptive daydream and it has been since about age 5 or 6. I have this incredibly complex, convoluted world inside my head full of characters I've made up. Fortunately I am an artist, so I have the ability to put some of my fantasies to paper but I'm so poor at art that I get discouraged easily. The world my fantasies take place in rotates every handful of years. Right now I'm on my longest 'story' yet. I created around 2010 and I escape there constantly. I only ever exist completely in the real world rarely. Minutes after my dad died I was slipping into my fantasy world, experiencing those feelings as imaginary characters going through the same things. I recently told my partner about how frequently I daydream and it made me feel so embarrassed. I don't think I could go 15 minutes without delving into the thousands of hours long movie going on in my head. I don't even particularly self-insert or identify with these characters. Despite being in my brain, I don't like including myself in these head-movies. No self inserting. Just people I come up with to populate the world in my head. I can't even be normal with my fantasies. Sometimes I act the fantasy scenes out physically (when I am alone) and I almost always imitate the facial expressions or whisper/mouth out the dialog. I've gotten in the habit of writing things down as they come to me. Hopefully some day I can put it to use.
I am also incredibly anxiety ridden. Every few days I believe I have some rare, deadly disease then my body wills symptoms into happening. First it was diabetes (no family history and I am not overweight), then HIV (I've been tested three times and I've been sleeping with the same person for over half a decade), several types of cancer, ulcers, oracular degeneration, COPD, diabetes again, cancer again, brain aneurysms. The worry scares me so bad that I don't even sleep much nowadays. Every time I try to rest I wake up with a start, afraid that I'll suffocate in my sleep. Every little 'thing' is a 'thing' to me. A mole is melanoma. A rash is shingles. Itches are nerve damage. Dry eyes mean I'm going blind. A bald spot is somehow linked to HIV. The anxiety makes me do incredibly odd things, like leave home in the middle of the night and wander towards the hospital or in a random direction. Sometimes I go down to the train terminals and contemplate life. When I had access to a car I used to go on drives as far as my anxiety would allow me, then I'd slowly make my way back home. Whatever reasons I had for doing it made sense for me in the moment, but I feel so retarded afterwards.
On the upside, I've finally kicked my self harm habit. For good this time. As of today I've been sober from cutting, chemical burning and binging/purging for 2 years and 4 months. It's just about the only thing I'm proud of. My body is still covered in very ugly, very obvious scars though. I've learned to accept them but I still get annoyed when people with no tact or home training feel it appropriate to ask why I'm so mangled in public. It's gotten to the point where I just tell them to mind their own business. I'm tired of telling people I have a very mean cat or I got into an accident.
I used to have a problem with pica. Specifically, eating powdered bathroom cleaner, baby powder, baby wipes, chalk, cornstarch and plastic beads. I've kicked the habit for the most part, even though I still get cravings for the detergent when I'm tidying up.
On top of all of this, I have this really weird thing where sometimes my mind just refuses to function. It's hard to explain, but when it happens it feels like my thoughts are water and my mind is a storm drain. They slip right through. I can't even visualize simple concepts in my head. The most I can manage are abstract blurs and shapes in completely white spaces. They look kind of like early Windows screensavers and it last from anywhere from a few minutes to up to an hour. It's been happening to me randomly since I was at least 15 and it terrifies me. It feels like I am literally losing control over my mind.
I used to have a mild speech impediment. I forget what they called it, but I'd repeat the last half of whatever sentence I spoke under my breath right after saying it. I still do it every so often, but for the most part I've trained it out though I do slip up now and again. As of right now, the most I have is a rather easily hidden stutter, which goes fabulously with my motor mouth. I either talk like I'm falling asleep (my mind's drawing blanks mid conversation) or at a mile a minute.
My focus is also shitty. Even if it's something I enjoy doing, it's hell to get me to actually sit down and try and do it for very long. I like a constant stream of changing stimulation, or the same thing over and over. No in-between. I can listen to the same 5 second clip of the same song for hours on end until I feel 'satisfied' or listen to random chatter for 12 hours, only to get intensely uncomfortable when it stops. There's little in-between. I'm so restless, I need to move regularly. Many times a day I go and 'visit' particular parts of whatever building I'm in. I usually fixate on an appliance or a piece of furniture to come back to. Usually a window or the fridge. I'm not actually checking for anything so much as I'm fulfilling some mental desire to do some long, drawn out repetitive motion. It sucks because I'm well aware of how weird I look, getting up every 15 minutes to go look in the cold, turned off oven, or peeking out the living room window. I wish I could stop but when I try to I get so worked up. It's like an addiction.
I hallucinate daily. Most of the time it's just bugs or pictures in my line of sight animating but when I'm especially stressed (or sometimes, randomly) it can be whole people or things. When I was waiting in the sick bay when I was in the military I thought I saw an entire group of people wearing day-glo orange jumpsuits talking in a huddled group. I didn't realize they weren't real until I realized that day-glo orange isn't part of any armed forces uniform. My psychosis is usually visual, but sometimes it's audiovisual or tactile. I hate it when I hear voices whisper not-words into my ears loudly over and over and sometimes I can feel something that feels like a hand grabbing hard at my upper left arm. Also, the fire alarm in my bedroom occasionally turns into a spider. Out of everything I am the most content with the hallucinations. I'd wish they'd go away, especially when they take me by surprise but it's gotten to the point where I can function reasonably well with them. Or maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired of being put on and taken off so many anti-psychotics. I'd like to live in peace with my hallucinations, until they get too invasive.
Despite all of this I highly doubt I am autistic. My mother's husband would tell strangers I had mental disabilities and/or autism so they'd treat me differently, but I grew up normal socially. I was actually quite popular later in school and I never had problems making friends (keeping them, another story) or being social. I'm just an unusual person, and it's getting harder and harder to live with despite my medication and therapy.
No. 68587
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Before Carrie Fisher's death I had hoped to draw strength and inspiration from her example. When she died I told myself that I could and would. Nearly a year on and I haven't.
No. 68647
>>68588If you don't think you should be entering a relationship then don't, but you could always just go on one date (somewhere public and casual like a cafe) and see if you guys have a genuine connection and mention the cancer to see how he deals with that. If you then actually want to give it a shot then leave him a breif letter just thanking him for the date but that you're currently working through the cancer aftermath and managing your bi polar disorder, so you just want to be upfront about those things because you understand that not everybody has space in their life for it. And maybe throw something in about how you would be happy to see him again either as a date or just as a friendly neighbour?
The date might totally suck and shatter your daydreams anyway, honestly the idea that he's knocked on your doors a few times is setting off warning bells
No. 68696
>>68647Thank you for your reply, anon.
He says that he wants to get to know me, to which I feel like replying, "In my current incarnation I am not worth knowing."
My rational self has enough insight to recognise my Borderline- and depression-driven emotional responses and behaviors. I am hesitant to even talk to him because my Borderline self will will amplify connections that are tenuous at best and mold my personality to be the version of myself that best complements him (I do this in all relationships). That part of me is already idealising him as a Sign from The Universe that I am a worthwhile person and that my life is worth living, contrary to the part of me which believes that I deserve to have lost everything in my life. Although having waited three days since his note, the intensity of these thoughts has cooled.
Which self do I heed? I say that while fully realising that such a black/white, all-or-nothing question is Borderline thinking.
Point taken about the warning bells. He could be just as or more dysfunctional as I am!
We live in subsidised decrepit housing for formerly homeless people, most of whom have severe psych, disability, and substance use issues which often feels like an inpatient psych facility combined with a flophouse. My surroundings are obviously not helping my mental state, but like most of the other residents here I am trapped by the vicious cycle of disability and poverty and a reliance on the crumbling system of aid benefits and healthcare in a city with a notoriously high cost of living. Living such a marginal life here is such cruel irony after having always been self-employed in my own ventures.
Sometimes I wonder if I actually died when my life went off the rails and hell truly exists.
I told myself I would text him last night, but I lamed out. I will have to today so as not to be rude, and despite being a shut-in I can't keep avoiding him in the hallways forever.
No. 68707
>>68701The dual tortures of rumination and intrusive thoughts: shared by depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, OCPD, BPD, among others. The content of the thoughts varies with the disorder.
CBT and DBT are the long term treatments.
Antidepressants, antipsychotics, and anxiolytics are the immediate and medicalized treatments.
You could try mindfulness techniques on your own.
No. 68742
>>68613>>68648Yeah. A lot of people have told me that I should try and fix my sleep schedule. I've always had a bad habit of messing it up once I do find a schedule thanks to my low self control. My husband is good at getting me to sleep at somewhat normal hours, but there's only so much he can do since I'm an adult.
>>68682No problem. It's good to know that I'm not the only person feeling like this, though I wish none of us had to go through life with an emptiness inside.
>>68613It's okay, I don't mind people finding humor in my situation (I try to do the same all the time) and I doubt I'd want a lifesucking gawker like that around me anyway.
No. 68760
I don't even know what's wrong with me right now. I have a history of depression and anxiety, been medicated and now medication-free for about a year and a half, but it's neither of those.
What I feel now is a little different, but I don't know what. It's a creeping laziness, tiredness, inability to finish a task at hand. I'm finding it really difficult to enjoy my interests, particularly fashion. When I get dressed I'll sometimes put on and take off the same outfit three times and stop myself from screaming in the mirror or throwing my clothes because it looks awful on me. I'm always convinced I'm gaining weight (I checked weight and measurements, I'm not). Depression has always been crushing and oppressive for me, this feels more like someone is sucking the life out of me very, very slowly, and it's a numbness sometimes. I can't sleep properly. I wake up after 4 hours and spend the day feeling like death.
I don't know why. Everything is great. My job isn't super-high paying but it's comfortable. I have enough to pay rent and bills, buy groceries, save a bit and buy a treat sometimes. My bf is really sweet and supportive. My family relations are good.
No. 68762
>>68755Oh boy reading this made me start crying
We're the same girl
No. 68774
>>68613I don't want to be around shitty manipulative people
>>68755Start going to a psychologist
No. 68781
>>68762I'm sorry anon :( at least we're not completely alone in this.
>>68774Can't afford it at the moment.
No. 69136
I'm worried I have bipolar disorder. I'm 23, so I feel like it would have manifested more by now, but these last couple of months I've felt super ecstatic and energetic, and I'm afraid it's not normal. I don't want to crash and have things end up horribly for me.
This summer, and for a couple of months before that, I was crying spontaneously a lot. I was afraid I didn't have a future, and I had fucked my life up permanently. I was struggling to get basic things done, and just super tired all the time.
Now in the last couple of months, I've felt incredibly energetic and very optimistic about my future. I'm afraid it's unnatural for me to feel this way and I will be crashing back into reality soon.
I also feel bad for putting my friends through my depressive state. I also went from feeling really bad about life to pretty good in the span of about two months, and I don't know if that could be normal.
I'm really hoping that my new mood is because my life really is changing around, and not because I have a disorder. I started university again after taking a break, and I've been meeting a lot of new people and doing pretty well in my classes. I want to continue feeling happy and satisfied instead of sad as I have often felt the last couple of years.
No. 69158
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hi guys. any /g/irls here have tried seen a psychotherapist? please can you tell me why or what motivated you to do it?
when i was a kid all the way to my teens i was taken to regular therapy. it never did much. i told my mom i wanted to see a different type of professional and she would go "NO! they'll give you meds! you'll get addicted to something! NO! You have nothing to be sad about!". i'm not american, where i live visiting a psychotherapist/or taking medication is seen as
a really bad thing. but i'm fucking tired and i don't care anymore if it looks bad. i want to try it but i'm unsure if its what i need.
to the anons who have tried psychoterapy, why did you start? who would you recommend psychotherapy to? do you think its a good investment? was it better than therapy?
No. 69186
I've struggled with bad anxiety and depression in the pass but I eventually got help for it and got better. That was a couple years go and I feel like it's starting to come back.
I spent almost my entire teenage years depressed and isolating myself, and now that I'm an adult I just feel like I missed out on a lot. The only time I felt like I was making the most out of my Teenage years was my senior year of high school when I would go out all the time and actually enjoyed the company of friends without feeling like they're only hanging out with me out of pity. Most of the girls I hung out with went away to college and lost connect while I'm still at home being a NEET. I only have like 2 friends left and whenever they can't hang out or if I feel like they don't talk to me enough, I feel like they hate me and they're tired of me. It just makes me start isolating myself all over again which is know just makes everything worse. And I know that I'm being dumb and they're just busy, and when I'm with them I can tell they actually like me but my anxiety won't stop.
On top of that my anxiety seeps in to every aspect of my life. I feel so gross and untouchable, like my body is diseased. I hate myself more than I have ever hated anything. I feel so pathetic and want to kill myself most days.
I try everything to make me feel better. I eat healthy, I exercise, I keep a semi-consistent sleeping schedule and try not to sleep too much, I try to go out with friends at least once a week, but I just feel like I'm steadily getting worse.
I know I should go back to therapy but I hate amitting the shit that gives me anxiety most of the time because I know that it's dumb and I shouldn't feel anxious about it.
Idk, I'm just so tried of being like this, but feel like my anxiety and poor mental health is inescapable.
No. 69188
>>69175You're not alone, anon. I've never had a kid, but I lived with my sister a few years ago to help her through the first year, and she had the exact same issues–and the same shame over feeling that way. She really beat herself up over it not being this magical perfect bonding experience like everyone said it should be. There's nothing wrong with formula. My sis used it after the fourth month–she'd been trying her hardest not too, but she was in so much pain and so tired and frustrated, and you know what? The baby was fine and she probably should have done it sooner. And like the other anon said, after a little while longer, it really did get better. Obvs the baby is important, and you want to do what's best for them–but sometimes what's best for them is taking care of your own self.
Random rec, but maybe check out Lucy Knisley on Insta? She's a cartoonist who had her first about a year ago and if you scroll back, she made a lot of comics about having a VERY similar experience with the first few months/recovering from birth/breastfeeding not being amazing and easy. My sister found a lot of comfort (and humor) in her work.
Good luck, anon. You're doing just fine.
No. 69247
Any farmers that have misophonia? I saw that someone had posted about it almost a year ago but the post count has reset since then and theirs is the only post that mentions it, so I'm not sure they ever got any replies.
I didn't even know it was a Real Thing™ until earlier this year, I thought maybe I was repressing a memory or something and that was why some sounds (spit, breathing, stirring macaroni, etc.) made me physically uncomfortable. I can feel it, all up the right side of my neck and sometimes if it's strong enough on the side of my head behind my ear. Like someone's breathing on me. I get really angry and tense, I can feel my pulse increase and sometimes am so hyperfocused on the sound that I don't realize I'm digging my nails into my palms or crushing something that I'm holding.
I've read it's either a chore or almost impossible to get a diagnosis, since it's relatively recently been accepted as a disorder and a lot of doctors aren't educated on it? I'm not sure of how true that is, it's just what I've read online. I don't really know how to begin looking for a doctor and I'm scared to talk about it because I feel like it sounds like I'm making it up. I don't have time and money to waste to be called a liar.
The coworker that sits on my right (of course) has the most spit in her mouth out of any person I've ever met and is incapable of eating or talking like a normal fucking person. She brought popcorn to her desk one day and I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry, I could taste stomach acid welling up in my throat.
I can barely focus on my work because I can hear her fucking smacking over my goddamn headphones and all I can think about is squeezing her fat fucking neck until her disgusting fucking throat collapses.
No. 70559
>>69247Anon… I feel your pain so much. Living with my mother was an absolute pain when I still lived in my parents house because she's in a wheelchair and the sound that her wheelchair makes made me SO angry. God. It's really distanced me from my mother, which I hate. I wish I could do something about it. I really do. I have other
trigger sounds too, like chewing sounds, but my mother's wheelchair is my worst one.
I get so angry that sometimes I get turned on. I've looked into it and other people with misophonia experience the same thing, they say it's a coping mechanism your body has under extremely stressful situations. It is so embarrassing. No. 71232
>>71228BPD anon here. I learnt to cope with them by recognising that they were irrational, pointless, and ruining my life. I verbalised that to other people (boyfriend being the main one) and then acted on this knowledge by allowing myself to feel that way but never doing anything about it. It's taken me 2 years but now I rarely get episodes, and when I do I can usually get a handle on it pretty quickly.
I'm sorry I don't have a magic fix, but all you can really do is stop giving your feelings so much power. Yeah it sucks to feel that way, but you're in charge here. Hope I've explained that properly, and without sounding like a dick haha.
No. 71239
>>69247I have this with specific slurping sounds and animals licking themselves. Cats are usually fine but dogs drive me insane. I've learned to control my anger over the years but I can't sleep in the same room as a dog without being kept up all night.
I used to get yelled at as a child because I couldn't stand being near my parent when they ate. They thought I was being a little shit and didn't understand that it was genuinely torture to have to sit there and listen to them make eating noises.
No. 71278
>>70559Another anon with misophonia here, probably the one who made that post one year ago (i vaguely remember talking about it here before)
can relate to the getting turned on thing, i'm glad people talk about it so I feel less like a freak for it
don't give in to it as a coping mechanism, thanks to that shit i've developed a fetish for coughing.. there's recordings for that on youtube. i hate myself so much more now No. 72167
>>72156i understand how you're feeling anon as i've written something scarily similar to this out a thousand times, it’s weird how literally all of what you just wrote feels so familiar to me
so many people with bpd have similar experiences which i’m sure you already know. you are not alone, there are places you can go to talk about it or even just rant a little
bpd tumblr is pretty cancerous but i found some helpful advice through certain forums and the bpd subreddit
and honestly try to ignore the negative stigma, it was hard for me to deal with that at first too.. i find that a lot of people writing that shit online are either uninformed/uneducated about bpd or have been hurt by someone with bpd in the past and are bitter about it.
it can be hard to differentiate between what is you and what is the illness sometimes. if you’re self aware then you should be able to reflect on the things you have done/said and realise it’s not you that's just like an inherently shit/bad person, it’s the illness.. i'm not one of those people who believe that we are lost causes, we can get better it's just really fucking hard
sleeping helps me when I feel like harming myself in some way (physical or not), i hope it helps you too.
however, if you wake up and still feel this way then reply to this and we can discuss it further if you want to (either here or somewhere else), i think that could be beneficial for both of us
No. 72197
>>72156Anon, you mention that your 'life has been shit since [you] were a kid", do you have a history of childhood trauma?
I don't know if it will help you, but if this is the case (and for anyone else who may be erroneously diagnosed as having BPD when you had traumatic developmental years), I urge you to read about c-ptsd and allostatic load. Reading and understanding these things totally changed my life (on top of lots and lots of therapy, mind you), and it really helped shape the way I cope with feeling out of control/feeling like there is no.. ceiling? To how I am feeling (if that makes sense)
I will never be asymptomatic but there is a way to manage your symptoms and not be this kind of destructive force in your own life and the lives of others. I was for a long time and I'm getting better and better every day. Good luck.
No. 73099
>>73093>>73089Not sure it will help you but I had a breakthrough that made me feel better.
It probably will sound stupid but I feel much more free and less bad when I realized I
can kill myself, and I can do it whenever. It's like having control over something.
I also had a moment where i was half asleep imagining me yelling at myself for taking everything too seriously and being too uptight, which has helped too honestly. I am slowly starting to enjoy things genuinely and getting into crafts even!
Depression is so hard, it's like you just sit there letting things pile up, responsibilities, chores, even hobbies and fun things, life in general.
Sometimes I just want to sleep and sleep and not do anything, but I roll out of bed because I have to, and then I think maybe today will be better? But even if it's not I can just end it when I feel like it.
No. 73113
File: 1515642796334.jpeg (31.78 KB, 512x389, image.jpeg)
>tfw you gamble mixing alcohol and medication
I know the risk but I just can't find it in me to care. I've gotten to a point it isn't really depression anymore but dreading my own existence. My whole young adult life is pretty much gone, I didn't have much of a fun teenage life. So ehh, I can kinda tell how my normal adult life will be.
No. 73132
>>73122go through psychology today and narrow it down by issue in the side-bar. Then read the descriptions of the doctors and see if you can find someone that mentions being a specialist in ADHD.
I would be careful, though. A lot of psychiatrists and therapists will fuck you up worse than you were when you got in. There aren't a lot of good ones. Read profusely about the treatments and medications they offer and their risks and benefits before you go into it.
No. 73149
>>73143I’m KIND of in agreement with this anon, you should definitely talk about how it affects you, but I don’t think you should do it like he’s done something wrong when he hasn’t.
I used to be super insecure and not want my boyfriend to look at other women at all, but it’s human nature. Some do it more than others, and maybe more than they should in some cases, but everyone does it to some extent.
Instead you should work on improving your self esteem so that you don’t feel the need to constantly compare yourself with others and feel more ok with your body. And, bonus, with better self-esteem it’ll be easier to tell if there IS an issue with the relationship. But mostly the talking thing.
No. 73184
Okay, this will be a bit chaotic, but bear with me, please
I'm so confused about my mental health right now… I finally admitted that it's time and saw a therapist after a real bad depressive episode, she landed me a bipolar 2 diagnosis and some meds, but I'm somehow still sceptical if it's the right diagnosis at all.
The thing is, I was too ashamed to tell her that I'm struggling with compulsive skin picking and it's been going on for 8 years now. It all started with terrible intrusive thoughts in my teens and this is how my mind decided to cope, I guess. I've had a period of intense hand washing and ideas of germs and dirt and stuff, my hands were permanently cracked and bleeding, but it kinda stopped? I have some intrusive thoughts still and they aren't nearly as bad as before, but picking got worse for some reason. It wasn't until recently that I learned that this could've been OCD all along, and this made me wonder: can it produce bipolar-like symptoms? I mean, my confidence fluctuates quite a lot depending on how bad my skin is, if I'm trying to heal it and contain myself from picking for awhile and how anxious I get, if I engage in sexual situations and feel pretty and desired, if random people get a glipmse of my arms and start asking questions… May all this stuff actually make me prone to reccurrent depression, rather than the actual bipolar? Is the feeling that you can do anything in the world and have a lot of amazing ideas really hypomania or just a feeling of being normal and productive? Can this stuff actually be comorbid (I've read it's pretty damn rare)? Gosh it sounds stupid, but I want to dig around a bit until I can actually see my therapist next time, if I'll have enough courage to bring it up with her. I don't want to sound stuck up in my ass just doubting her initial diagnosis for no reason.
Maybe someone here has similar experiences?
No. 73414
File: 1516080105879.jpg (69.69 KB, 480x487, Cej0F0hWwAAnICQ.jpg)
Another bpd-chan here. Fml, right
I'm 23 and have been addicted to cutting for 9 years.
I just wish it could stop. I feel shameful because it's a stereotype that only teenage girls cut.
I crave it, I like seeing wrist cutting crap in anime, I have always enjoyed the way scars look.
It's like the edgy phase wont fucking end and I honestly just want off the ride.
I'm having alot of trouble.
No. 73435
File: 1516117206287.jpeg (107.63 KB, 540x579, AE037C59-7550-4DC2-8579-7CB7DB…)
Depression due to being left with a pedo for years when I was younger
BD I fight being agoraphobic almost every day and have social anxiety
If I hadn’t found Lolita/jfash I would have probably jumped of a bridge.
No. 73445
File: 1516126963709.jpg (269.03 KB, 1095x1195, 1408566710875.jpg)
>>49363I just keep trying therapy but it never works, everyone I've gone to either clearly has no idea of what they're doing or try to push me in some weird direction. Should I keep trying or is it all bullshit? Now that I've moved out I feel like I need someone sort of keeping an eye on me, even in a professional sense. I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD, with a suicidal depressive episode a few years back but I still feel like there's something else deeply wrong with me. I have these weird bursts of rage and get very suspicious of other people, I had to turn all the pictures on my walls around because I felt like they were watching me and don't recognize myself in the mirror a lot of times. I've had audio hallucinations occasionally but was brushed off by my last psychiatrist when I brought it up. I feel like as a young woman they don't take a lot of things seriously, they keep trying to spin a narrative about daddy issues and family problems that isn't there at all and if I bring up anything outside the realm of anxiety they change the subject quickly.
No. 73446
>>73445OCD anon here and I have similar issues.
I get bursts of obsessive thoughts about a specific thing (controversial medical procedure) as well as just sititng around not doing anything for huge tracks of time because i forget to for hours. and a few therapists i've spoken to are more concerned with defending defending the procedure and making me "understand" it's not an issue. as if it matters what it is and not what's affecting me. I've also had the 'family' route thing done and it annoys me to no end. No, I don't want to talk about my mom, I just want to stop having invasive thoughts about mutilation, and wanting to kill my boyfriend because i feel he's been made 'impure'.
No. 73879
>>73149>>73149Thank you for the advice, anons.
He could tell something had been bothering me and asked me what was up. I sucked it up and told him those accounts made me feel inadequate. He told me that he was happy I talked to him about it, and that he wanted to respect my feelings. He unfollowed them without me even asking! I don’t deserve him, my anxiety makes me forget how empathetic and understanding he is. But you guys are right, I need to work on my own self image. Thats this years goal :)
No. 73979
File: 1516831258290.gif (970.56 KB, 500x374, 1516133954595.gif)
Off the booze since saturday now! Not gonna completely cut it out but im gonna try to limit drinking to once or twice a week since i can feel it actively fucking me up after this level i've been drinking since this fall (drinking 4-5 days a week). Gotta cut back/stop smoking too but i only do that when im drunk so it kinda goes hand in hand.
No. 74000
>>73905It’s not that you’re immature for cutting anon, someone needed to teach you healthy coping tools years and years ago.
What else besides cutting (and ideally without drugs or alcohol either) makes you feel better? I know there’s likely nothing that feels AS good in terms of emotional relief but there’s gotta be something that helps ease the feelings that precede cutting.
It’s a whole process of finding things that help you to handle those emotions without harming yourself. Even if to begin with it’s something that causes less harm than cutting does, and progressing onto healthy mechanisms.
It’s not about maturity anon, your brain has latched onto the thing that gives the most good chemicals in response to an influx of negative emotions/bad chemistry. You can’t grow out of an addiction of sorts.
Make a list of everything that makes you feel good that isn’t self harming and just see how many of them you can try before the urge to self harm becomes overwhelming. If you do end up cutting, keep the phone nearby and first aid gear just in case.
Do you have anybody you could contact to talk things out when you’re in that headspace? Even a suicide hotline. (You don’t have to be actually suicidal they will talk to you if you want to hurt yourself but not die)
How’s your wound care btw?
It’s possible you need an antidepressant if you don’t already take one that works.
No. 74103
File: 1516919083657.jpg (64.31 KB, 800x532, pigsm.jpg)
>>74000>>73908Thanks for your considerate responses anons, and for not taking the piss.
Exercising usually makes me feel loads better but when I do cut, it would be late at night (insomniac) when it wouldn't really be safe or appropriate to take a walk up the road. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone about it, mostly because of the age thing. I'm reluctant to see the doctor either because it just feels absurd to walk in and be like, 'so uh, yeah. I'm cutting could you give me some pills'
Writing everything out when I feel the impulse sounds like a really good idea actually, it never occured to me. I'll definitely give that a go.
No. 74210
File: 1517100346705.jpeg (21.98 KB, 296x170, image.jpeg)
Anyone else suffering from substance abuse, bipolar II, binge eating disorder, AND borderline personality disorder? Without medication, I'm loony, manic, and a complete slut, but thank God for mood stabilizers.
I'm currently undergoing psychoanalysis and so far it's going very well, even though I wish I had a male analyst.
No. 74272
>>74177Thanks anon, I hope you're getting all the help and support you need with your drug issues. And if not, definitely start reaching out to the networks that can potenially lay the groundwork for it. You deserve a better life than that!
All the best.
No. 74401
>>74368Wish I could hug ya, anon. I know it will mean nothing but I assure you that's absolutely your bdd poisoning your thoughts. Do you take any medication or see a therapist? I used to self harm a lot and pick like a motherfucker and what helped me wean off it was actually getting a lil addicted to the popping subreddit and watching people pop spots. There would be such good ones that when I found myself picking at my skin I'd think, why do this when it won't give a nice satisfying crunchy pop, let's just watch videos instead.
I know you said services don't bother you but I find with bdd it's important for your sanity to see a counsellor etc if you can, otherwise these draining thoughts will linger. Oh also what helps me when I'm in bed for weeks tired and nauseous and dying of IBS has honestly been a combination of Sims and Pinterest.i torrent the sims 4 every time a new pack comes out and playing it gives me a little productive feeling cause I'm running an organised little family and it just comforts me a bit. And I like to pinterest dumb things like girly diy beauty masks or scrubs or makeup looks, something that I can physically do that takes time, involves hygiene usually, and can give me a reason to get up and usually makes me feel nice.
Sorry for ramble but these specific things keep me going and I hate to hear you would opt for euthanasia because you sound like an eloquent and very smart person and you don't deserve bdd pushing you down. <3
No. 74429
File: 1517455430928.jpg (77.49 KB, 480x270, beemoviesuicide.jpg)
I have 'long-view' depression. In the short term I feel mostly fine and don't want to kill myself but when I start thinking decades into the future I just don't see the purpose of living.
Like maybe I'll kill myself in my 40s or 50s and if I'm lucky I will have a husband that will suicide pact with me.
I don't know if this is a good idea to bring up with a therapist.
No. 74442
>>74429In my experience the more effort you put into being alive the less you want to lose it/the less reckless you are.
I wouldn't even skydive now as I've put so much planning and effort into my future and being healthy.
What will happen is you'll either have effort and achievements you don't want to lose, or when you get sick you won't try to get better and death will get you that way. It seems like a sorta passive acceptance of death rather than a wish - basically what I'm saying is as you get older you may not feel so passive about it.
No. 74664
>>74656>>74663I think the same. It's weird to look at people that are not even thinking about it and do their job everyday, to rest on the weekend, and then work again, again and again to just…die in the end ?
50+ years of work and bills, to just die ? What for ? I just don't get how people don't see how pointless it is.
I think I don't want to realize my goal just because I'll have no reason to live after that.
No. 74700
>>74664It's about finding meaning. A passion you have, understanding, something you do to make people happy. It's not go to work and back. That's capitalism. You can do anything, move to a new country, get a foreign boyfriend, just change cities, have children you love, make music, start a business, become famous, change your look and get beautiful. Become one of the best in the world at a particular skill. Start a popular blog. So much you can do beyond "work and back".
Btw in the words of Morrissey, don't read the news. Nobody needs to know the ins and outs of everything Trump for 4-8 years, it's inane and not something us plebs can control anyway. But we can control stuff like the above. We have endless possibility of fun, education and inspiration. And you can live to 100 and look back at all you've done. That's a possibility. It's normal to be young and aimless, but you WILL find purpose, don't beat yourself up for not finding it yet. It's in you. (this is to all the Anons with similar sentiments above)
No. 74713
>>74665Could you do online CBT appointments? It might be cheaper.
I think quitting your job would be helpful. You don't need to be useless while unemployed either, even if it is only a temporary situation housewife is a well regarded role. You don't
need to be a depressed housewife that half-asses her job. You can throw your energy into becoming an amazing cook in between finding new employment.
You could do dog walking, pet-sitting, baby-sitting, nannying, Uber or Postmates to bring in extra work. If you don't have experience you can just price yourself cheaper, that way you still bring in income of some sort.
No. 74716
>>74666I've been seeing therapists for it since I was 13, but as
>>74700 said, I think its about working to find the meaning… and the underlying halt we face is from depression. Dunno how to get out. Must not want it enough? That makes me feel worse though..
No. 74952
>>74713Thank you anon <3
I know my fiance would appreciate if I threw myself into cooking, he's been doing all of it for a few years pretty much! I would likely feel less awful if I felt I had purpose as a homemaker, keeping the place properly nice and doing cooking etc.
I would love to do online CBT appts and didn't know they really existed, I will have to look into it to find a good source. <3
No. 74996
>>74952If you've never felt a strong urge to be a housewife it can feel kind of odd to take on the role. That said it doesn't need to feel purposeless, and its definitely easier if you go more traditional with it (using fewer modern appliances). Here are some ideas:
> Cook all meals from scratchMake it a challenge. Get a small cookbook and cook your way through the entire recipe list (I have always wanted to do this). Cooking your way through a book will help give you structure. Consider a book specifically focused on improving your skills and teaching you techniques and then move onto more elaborate meals. Another idea is a service like Blue Apron, it isn't super cheap but for a month or two provides structure and kitchen practice. No more pre-made, processed foods and learn how to preserve the excess. Use more traditional techniques, no microwave desserts and whatnot. The cost is what you want it to be, you don't need new appliances or new/expensive books if you go to the library.
> Grow some of your own foodThis might mean planting a veggie garden or growing some herbs in pots if you live in an apartment. If you have enough space and extra cash maybe your own beehive (look up Flow Hives) or raising a couple of chickens for eggs. Costlier than the other ideas.
> Iron and fold clothingIf you are like me you don't do this so why not start? No cost.
> Big spring cleaning using the 'KonMari method'You can get Marie Kondo's books in the library easily, they are very popular. No cost if you don't buy stuff like shelving units.
> Go to the library at least once a weekLibraries have lots of free programs and seminars (at least mine does). Regardless you can get free books, DVDs and magazines. It gets you out of the house, and you might get new ideas from browsing. I HIGHLY recommend sticking to non-fiction. No cost.
> Learn massageIts easy to learn simple massage techniques thanks to youtube and you can make your own massage bars and lotions cheaply (you don't even need them tbh). I'm sure your BF would appreciate a nightly massage session. No cost.
> Learn some simple cocktailsI'm sure your bf would love to be treated to a cocktail upon arriving home. If you already have the liquor this needn't be expensive. If you don't then I'd advise learning a few simple cocktails with ingredients that can be mixed and matched. Cost varies, it can be expensive if you like pricey stuff.
> Walk/bike as much as possibleIf you are American this isn't always feasible but it gets you moving and up an about getting sunshine and exercise. Listen to podcasts or audiobooks. No cost.
TBH the daily massage and cocktail would probably put you at 1950s Mar