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Share or vent your relationship problems. Get advice from helpful farmers.
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No offense anon but why would you want a fast food manlet
I didn't realize in this context you just meant that he's short, I've only heard manlet as a synonym for neckbeard lol.
Start going to wherever he works and making small talk with him. Get a drink or something, have some small talk, rinse and repeat for a few weeks until you know him well enough and just ask for his number.
Bf really loves bartending and his main hobbies revolve around beer. It's an interest of his that he likes, and he is quite sociable, moreso than I. A large aspect of his personal happiness comes from having a couple drinks with friends and discovering new beers, etc.
He's not one to get plastered, btw.
Yet recently, like from the past year, he's developed really strange symptoms that I think is acid reflux or GERD.>wakes up in the morning with a lot of mucus and a lump feeling in his throat>sometimes he throws up clear in the morning because the stuff literally gags him out>same mucus symptoms when he's eating, sometimes he's thrown up after he's eaten>particularly bad after he's consumed dairy
I want him to see a doctor, but it's really hard to get him to go. The last doctor he saw didn't say anything meaningful and I think he needs a second opinion. Granted, I wasn't in the room during his visit, but he described his symptoms and the doctor wrote it off as an intolerance to dairy.
I'm not sold. He's clearly not since he eats it frequently and doesn't have typical intolerance symptoms like diarrhea.
I think it's the booze. I've talked about this before anonymously on a different website and everyone dismissed me when I suggested my bf might have an alcohol problem and implied I was just being a nag.
Well? I legitimately believe while he isn't getting drunk, he's drinking alcohol way too often a week and I think it's affecting his health. I do know that if he is diagnosed with acid reflux, one of the first things they will tell him is to stop drinking.
I've brought it up in passing to him, usually when I hear him hurling in the bathroom in the morning but my words seem to roll off him.
Any thoughts, or anons who dealt with partners who had substance/alcohol dependencies?
Not amazing, but he is insured. He could still go if he had but the motivation and I'm not gonna make the appointment for him.
Low key I think he has an anxiety of doctors, like he wants to avoid the setting so they don't tell him something he doesn't wanna hear. Plus his mother was pretty neglectful so he didn't get into the habit of going to the doctor as a child and teen. He still hasn't seen a dentist which really bothers me, he's just lucky he doesn't have cavities because other wise he hasn't seen a dentist since he was in middle school (and he's 27 now).
I'm nervous for him, but I can't be his momma.
Yes and same. It was only a 9 month relationship though, but he met a girl he wanted to date instead and then dumped me to pursue her. Before that he used to go on and on about wanting to marry me and have kids one day, and I took his virginity.
Puppy love is so fucking retarded
Did you guys ever find out if your ex regretted it? Or did the same thing to the new girl? Idk apparently my ex is going through a serious life crisis right now and said he couldn't give me the time I needed but decided to jump into a thing with this new girl.
I doubt it'll work out. He's a fucking mess. Honestly I hope she ends up being shit so that he learns his lesson.
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I think my bf is immature and I'm wondering if going on 4 years living in with him that things will ever really improve.
Recap of yesterday's events:
I told bf to get up early with me to go to my derm appointment so we can go grocery shopping afterwards. We split the grocery bill and it's important to me that he doesn't stiff on that because he eats my food and a hell of a lot of it.
Took me four times to roust him from bed, like a teenager. Last minute I check the store times and I notice they wouldn't be open after my appointment anyway, so I cut bf some slack and tell him doesn't want to go with me then he can go back to bed but be ready for when I return.
When I return he's still in bed. I was honestly so fed up that I didn't wake him up a second time. I waited out in the living room on my laptop and expected him to wake up on his own like an adult. Maybe he set an alarm. Wishful thinking I guess.
What woke him up around noon was a call from his new second restaurant job. His boss called to tell him he was a no call no show. Apparently he read his schedule wrong and just assumed he wasn't working today instead of checking. Anyway, the boss was cool and told him to not do it again. An hour or two after the phone call he finally exits the bedroom to greet me but I'm already annoyed with him and tell him so.
He showed no urgency to go get groceries whatsoever. I got an hour off my start shift time around 3pm and asked since he wasn't working today if we could go shopping.
He replied that he just made plans to hang out with his buddy, which is also underhanded code for him to get drunk. And had he known earlier he wouldn't have asked buddy to come pick him up–and if it's not made obvious by now, my bf doesn't have a car.
I leave early from the apartment to go order food before work because there was nothing at home to prepare. It's costly.
I get out of work early and call bf to see what he's doing for dinner. I caught him at just the right time because apparently his buddies were going out for food. He invited me.
I get to the restaurant and bf is noticeably drunk and being loud. He calms down for a bit and then asks if I can give everyone a ride back so we all can hang out. I have no problems with his friends and don't mind giving them the ride, but what made me annoyed was bf once again pushing aside priorities for fun.
We hang out with the friend, bf has two more whiskeys, and at the end of the night I ask if we can go to a 24hr grocery so I can at least get a snack since we still don't have any fucking food. Bf was in no state to be shopping so I had to be quick, he was very loud and grabby with me in public even though I showed annoyance each time. He thought it's a game, and I just wanted to be serious and get the shit done.
I could go on but his behavior makes me sick.
He acts like a martyr because he works server jobs and sometimes has to work 8 hours a day like me and everyone else. He'll call working two separate lunch and dinner shifts of four hours a "double" when actually a "double" for most people means 14-16 hours, not fucking 8 with a huge break in between. He just says "double" because it makes him sound more hard-working than is the actual case. He goes out with friends at least 3-4 times a week without fail, sometimes straight after work. So I get sick of him acting like it's all work and no fun.
What makes me really mad is how he acts like a tightass when it comes to money for food. He'll complain at the grocery store about prices, but has no problem pissing away money on booze and restaurants. No, that's not money "wasted" because that was for his good time. Not boring essentials I suppose.
Oh jesus, has this all been for nothing? Have I blown away 4 years with a loser in the prime of my life??
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I was literally about to longpost about my BF and then I saw your post and it was too relatable. Honestly idk what advice to give you because I'm in a somewhat similar situation and have no idea what to do myself…
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs, and we've been living together since last summer. He's my college sweetheart and my rock. We are overall compatible: shared interests/values/goals (for the most part), similar introverted personalities, mutual physical attraction (+ good to decent sex life), his family likes me and my family likes him, etc… But as time goes by he is becoming more and more of a man child, and idk if it's related to mental health or if he's just getting too comfortable around me?
Between the two of us I work the most; I'm 22 and at uni (will be graduating this fall), but go to school full time in the spring and fall while working. Right now I'm on summer vacation but working a physically exhausting job full time. My BF graduated last year and since then has been working part part time at a paid internship. He makes just enough for his half of rent + bills + food. He's applied and interviewed for a ton of jobs but never gets called back. The catch is I rarely see him go to work; he tends to only have shifts the days I work, and is somehow able to leave the house for his shift after I do and get back before I come home. Aside from the maybe 15 hrs a week he works, he has no hobbies outside of vidya and watching sports, and pretty much sits inside all day unless he was to run errands or see his family (both which he tends to avoid).
Also he's 25 and still super dependent on Mommy & Daddy who I've noticed won't put their foot down about anything. I'm terrified to tell my family what he's really like since they like to guilt trip me about everything. It's impossible to get him to improve himself because he's very defensive whenever I bring anything up, even if I'm just reminding him to brush his fucking teeth or tie his shoes. He either lashes out and calls me a bitch or gets very sensitive and tells me he needs me to love him.
Lastly, we are both a little more conservative than average and have no problem settling down in our twenties. He's made it clear he wants to marry me and have kids with me and get a house, but how the fuck can we have that life if he won't grow up? It always breaks my heart and makes me super depressed when other girls talk about their partners' stable lucrative careers, and my BF can't even get a call back from a fast food restaurant. Btw I'm not some tradthot who's planning on mooching off of his paycheck, but it feels like he's planning on doing the bare minimum he can do so we can play house while his mommy & daddy take care of everything else.
Aside from all this I really do love him, but like >>87051
I feel like I'm wasting the prime years of my 20's on this guy when I could have met or still have the chance meet someone else. I'm about to finish college and move on in life, and need to know if it's worth anything staying in this relationship.
TL;DR: I love my boyfriend and we are compatible, outside of the fact that he's a hermit with no motivation. Should I dump him? Is there still time to get him to change or at least try harder? Or is everything okay and I'm just being too shallow & idealistic? Please help me it's driving me crazy.
I relate to the both of you. I'm currently in the process of leaving my partner of 9 fucking years. We met in our teens and have lived together for 4 years now. It's a process. He still doesn't know that I'm planning to leave since I'm still fixing living arrangements and such for myself, but now as I'm doing it I do feel a huge sense of relief.
I do not think about it as time wasted. We had a lot of fun together. It just doesn't work anymore, and the thought of staying in this relationship until we're old and grey, never knowing what life would be like without him, never knowing what it's like to live alone and be my own person, that would kill me.
I hope you both figure it out.
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Sooo… Me and my s/o are currently in LDR and lately i've been feeling so, so frustrated in two things.
…I might sound really selfish or anything, but pretty much one of the main things is that I'm really sexually frustrated for the past months. Like, he knows that I'm a sexually active person, hell, i masturbate at least three times a day, I make money out of my small freelance job: I draw erotic/porn for money. (In art and writing when it comes to NSFW the most important part for me is body aesthetic, while in writing it's about feelings/atmoshpere. Not some greasy stuff.)And since we started dating, I can't get off without our call sessions, because God, I love everything about him and I want all of him.He is also the only person with who i feel fully safe and comfortable, which also causes me to be horny for him in the end. Aaaand lately i was the only one who masturbated in VC. P'much, I done that twice, he doesn't mind, but the only time in which it didn't last for a small minute moan and me, being embarassed is when he played the dominant role for abit, commanding me to cum. (One of the best sessions we've ever had was when he fully commanded me, that was just so perfect, but even though he likes to be dom, he is still a sub at heart. I am a switch myself, I was a dom in my previous relationship, but this one, I cherish him so much and I don't want to hurt him at all, esp knowing that when it comes to femdom I'm mostly all about mental abuse and other shit…) But yeah. Before my sexual frustration, i could've have masturbated to people on r/AudioGoneWild, but now everytime i try i just end up being sad 'cuz all i start missing my bf just by thought of any kid of voice-mails/calls. I really want to go back to having active sexuality and such, but i believe i would seem so selfish, because in the end i did, which caused me to even stop accepting comissions for three weeks now, because…Its not just 'onoes i cant fap so im not gunna draw', its the fact that I don't have sexual connection with my bf now.
And secondary…He used to put alot of effort and chase me alot, etcs, basically mutual 24/7 attention. (It's not like he's cheating or anything - I fully trust him, it's him…Being a competetive nerd.) We spend less and less time lately, and he's the kind of bf where even if you don't text him for hours he doesn't really show care, even tho deep down he does. So pretty much, I did talked to him that we don't spend any kind of proper time lately at all, he understood that and is trying to slowly put effort in that… But i want him to make more effort in general again because I end up feeling, you know, invisible? Not just because i'm used to him, giving me alot attention, but also because the more I read our message history the more i realise that i'm the only one who sends alot of messages and actually puts any kind of effort.
. I blocked him on everything, so I don't know for sure.
He was going through an early mid-life crisis, doing stuff that was super out there. He pretty much played vidya all day and didn't like going outside, but then he started to go to shit like Burning Man. He's always had existential issues stemming from his muscle problems and it got really bad when we broke up.
He did essentially the same shit to the gf before me, and apparently he regretted how he broke up with her for a hypothetical girl because she was genuinely a nice person.
Last I heard, he's still hanging out with the circle of friends that he hated hanging around with. Still lives in his mom's basement. It's not unlikely that he'd kill himself, honestly.
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Btw I'm >>87089
That story is pretty relatable. My BF and I are good about splitting household tasks, but he does get behind on many other things because he's too wrapped up in unimportant shit. And if I say anything about it he'll shut me up and be like, "Oh but I did such-and-such-trivial-task for you the other day, what more do you want from me??"
I know for a fact that my BF had some mental health issues in the past, and took care of them at the time. But at the moment he's not doing anything about it nor does he even consider that it might be the cause. (Like I literally have no idea what he could be diagnosed with and try to fix??) He thinks everything is okay and everyone else is just bullying him. BTW I'm not perfect myself, I've had problems with my mental health and work ethic in the past. But I took care of it and still take care of myself, and try to be the best productive person I can be despite my flaws.
I agree that guys like this are the result of lax parenting. My parents were somewhat lax with me when I was a child, but once I started college I was expected to move out and pay for my own shit, focus and my education and career, etc. And if I'd ever fall out of line they'd reprimand me for it immediately. I hear these phone calls my BF has with his family and they just baby talk him like "Oh well that's fine sweetie, do better next time!" I also feel super bad since his father just retired and has some health issues. What is he going to do when he doesn't have their safety net anymore?
Like yo, I'm not asking my BF to be some 6-figures making aerospace engineer who's hobbies include pumping iron, reading Aristotle, and slaying dragons. He just needs quit being such a borderline hikikomori, get a real job, and man up a bit. I'm not attacking him, I just want an adult male that I can be an adult woman with.
As the previous anon has said, you don't have to be model-tier pretty or a genius to attract decent guys. I'm pretty sure your pretty face isn't the reason you can't find a partner.
Aside from that, your not so subtle humble bragging would be enough to put a lot of guys off imo.
I don't think the problem is you being interested in art & fashion or you being involved in that community. I work in fashion and I guess I'm surrounded by a similar group of people, but that has never kept ~normie~ guys from being interested in me, and most of my friends who are models have boyfriends that are ,in fact, normies.
So maybe you should reconsider your attitude or the vibes you give off with regard to other people? Judging from your posts I can understand why some guys might think you're a little arrogant (even if you're not).
If even genius models entering high-paying careers can't get sweet average bfs, what hope is there for us 5/10s?
Is it time to jump into the ocean, finally?
I think it's relevant to point out that people can completely lose interested in you if you're "humble" bragging, acknowledging that doesn't mean you're triggered
in any way shape or form.
because I'm ugly.
But rather than dwelling on that, has she tried approaching guys instead of waiting on them? Maybe find some classmates on fb or something, find out if they seem nice and down to earth, make small talk first, then make a move.
Men may legitimately be intimidated by her looks.
Men may legitimately be intimidated by her looks.
I agree with this. OP, I don't fault you for acknowledging your looks, it's an important fact and /is/ probably making it hard to date since it pulls all the assholes out of the woodwork. Speaking from experience, approaching men yourself is a better tactic.
Have you talked with him before?
It's a bit weird to text him if you don't know him since he hasn't given you his number
Going alone to parties can be fun if they're really big ones, worst case scenario you can tell people that your friend is meant to be meeting you there, but then later be like "oh they bailed… Can I hang out with you?".
Even if your friends can't come you need to just tell somehow where you're going, just in case even if by text, and try not to drink too much if nobody is there to have your back.
I have talked to him before and he invited me to the party (but also everyone else so I'm not special).
It's going to be a big one, around 300 people are going to be there.
Sure, I will tell everyone where I'm going but I'm not really scared that something might happen to me, just socially scared. I don't know anyone there and I'm not that big of a party person, I'm really just going so that I can see him. I think my biggest problem is that I don't know how to talk to strangers? I just picture myself standing awkwardly in the corner, holding onto my drink, not being able to mingle (because I'm too uptight)
i mean, i don't humble brag IRL. personally, if someone was unattractive (not taking care of themselves, not putting effort into their appearance, etc) i would be turned off by them. likewise, in the medical field people are usually attracted to knowledge. the only person that actually knows about my scholarship is my roomates.>>87186
i've tried, but it never goes anywhere. it's even harder to connect with people in class because there's just never an opportunity for it. i think my personality is good- i maintain a solid group of friends and i never have any drama or anything of the sort, but the men i seem to attract are just.. so awful. it's even more awful that i actually love men that are 'creatives'- artists, english majors, etc., but for some reason they all seem to be awful and pretentious. i know that's just a stereotype and it's shitty to say that but i'm just going to give up for now.
I didn't want to spam the thread by responding to all replies but I wanted to thank everyone for the input and empathy. I know my relationship is awful, I'm just trying to get through until the fall and find a better job so I can be able to support myself without him. He's more like a roommate in that I need him in order to live in the area that I do. Maybe I can pay down some of my debts too so I can start a personal escape savings. My biggest regret is that I've funded travel for a major international trip in September for my birthday, and I feel forced to take him with me because I don't want to go alone.
Yesterday was another sad day.
I paid someone to take the last two hours of my shift so I could go see fireworks for the 4th of July.
I haven't seen fireworks in years because I'd always been working.
Surprisingly, boyfriend texted me to ask me when I'd be out so I told him I'd be home early. I thought he was being proactive because he asked me what I wanted for dinner, since we finally went grocery shopping.
I told him I wanted to go someplace for fireworks and shortly after that he stopped texting. I was driving home so I wasn't looking at my phone anyway to notice.
When I walked in the door I was all smiles, but he was on the couch brooding and clearly angry about something.
I had walked into someone's financial crisis.
He revealed that his first job had "overpaid" his account so they suddenly took money back, and that because of other bills he was now "broke." Too broke in fact to go to a FREE firework venue with me.
Why was he bitching about money for a free venue? Because I dared asked if we could Uber over since I didn't want to drive in 4th of July traffic and deal with that stress. I had no idea up until I walked through the door that the $25 roundtrip would be literally breaking the bank.
He was being very short and snippy with me when I insisted I wanted to go.
Oh, and hadn't I seen the weather? It was going to rain, he pointed out on his laptop. What was the point of going to the firework venue if rain was just going to cancel it? We'd just be wasting money to Uber there.
All of this he told me as I stood in the entrance. After he was finished with the tirade I sat on the couch and began to cry. I just wanted to see the stupid fireworks. Were I not scheduled to work today, I would've driven the few hours to go stay with my parents in that moment. He made me feel like a worthless, cheap piece of shit that wasn't even worth an Uber ride to make me happy.
It wasn't until I began crying, realizing how upset he'd made me over something so trivial, that the cogs in his head started turning to work on a fucking solution. He decided to go coinstar our change jar which wound up having $30 in it so we could go.
Yes, it rained and we got wet. Yet I got my fireworks towards the end of the night. They were beautiful. And the kicker? He enjoyed himself too.
Yet he treated me so unkindly earlier when it wasn't necessary!
I think an anon upthread had the right idea by saying he behaves worse than someone with a developmental disability. It was a disproportionate reaction to the entire situation, almost like a mental illness.
Why are you with him? Like what things will you miss if you weren't together? Because if you imagine your life in 10+ years with he the way it's been going, you'll be miserable. Are you with him a more of a financial thing? You would almost be better off renting a room and being with yourself. Your own freedom to see a free fireworks show without it being a huge deal, you being allowed to eat your own food. It almost feels like you're baby sitting a teen.
I hope I don't come across as an ass because I don't mean any of that in a rude tone. Your guy just seems immature and doesn't really give anything in the relationship. I could be wrong about that though so that's why I asked why you're still with him.
He gets stressed whenever there's any kind of responsibility or expectation put on him. No parent in his life (dad is deceased and mom is a deadbeat) ever made him act responsible.
It all makes sense in hindsight. It's why he has no motivation to get a driver's license and car. It's why he flunked out of college and blew off his loans. It's why he seeks out booze and friends for instant gratification and then gets frustrated when there's no money later.
I always thought it was something he'd outgrow, or that maybe in a year or so time that he would wise up and bear through the discomfort in order to get things he needs.
Saddest thing is he wants to be better, but he can't handle putting in the work to be so. It's like watching the world's slowest sinking ship. I can't handle this forever, which is why I'm considering leaving after I get a better job.
He would be a very good person if only he had the drive to be more mature.>>87288
Many poor partners start out as seemingly good guys. What kind of game would most guys have if they showed you their hand all at once? I think mine showed me who he was, bit by bit, testing the waters to see what I would dismiss and what he could get away with. One year I wondered how he who sought to impress me so much at the beginning with promises, had stagnated into what he is now.
I think my boyfriend is a great friend. He has many, many friends. There's a lot to like about him and I'm comfortable around him as a person.
But as a partner to live with he is horrible. The reason why his friends like him is because they don't live with him and don't have to depend on him. It's a whole different ballgame.
I feel trapped in my situation at the moment because until I can find a better paying job, it is more of a financial thing to stay with him. It's like having a roommate without the wildcard of trying to get a roommate.
I really hope I'm not coming off as a whiner, but it's so overwhelming to think about how I got here and what led up to all this. What I missed, and what I forgave when I shouldn't have. It's crazy, and I wouldn't have ever guessed in a million years that I would be one of the women in these predicaments.
Do you ever make your intentions clear? It's not impossible to keep a guy around after a first night fling but if you keep putting off the vibe that you just want casual sex without explicitly saying that you want something more, then it's no wonder guys see you as a tool.
Don't give these guys an excuse to use you, they'll say "Hurr you never said you wanted anything serious." At least lay out what you want so if they do wind up being jerks they can't blame you for their ways. I mean surely you meet these guys up for dates before you hop in the sack, yeah? So there's time to tell them this info to their face unless you're inviting them directly over to your place to fuck.
If your problem is that you're doing it because they want it (and maybe you feel like it's no trouble for you to oblige) just practice saying no to everyone. Say no to that person who asks you to do a favor, say no to the person who asks for a moment of your time, don't say sorry just say no. It helps. You can say no any time you want, you can be halfway through them eating you out in foreplay, and just put your pants back on and say you want to watch tv now. Learn to say no. Saying no actually turns me on because when you're with someone that accepts it without turning into a total self entitled dick, you feel more in control so it feels more like a release when you do have sex.
If the problem is that you genuinely want to have sex and you're indulging it then I don't know what to say. I don't think we should have to play games or deny ourselves sex in order to 'trap' a guy, so I don't think you're doing anything wrong if you're just a sexual person. All I can suggest is to flatly say that you don't want to be used for sex and if they're not interested in something more then they need to be honest about it.
I think my biggest problem is that I‘m always trying to seem like a ~cool girl~ who is super chill and casual. I find it really hard to make my intentions clear because I‘m always afraid of turning the guy off somehow.
Like how do you talk about these things on a date without making it awkward?
Also I often engage in casual relationships even though I‘m not really happy with the situation, just because I‘m hoping that the guy will change his mind at some point.. Which obviously never happens. :/
>>87774>I‘m always afraid of turning the guy off somehow.
The only types of guys who are going to be 2spooked about you asking simple, honest questions like that are the types of guys who only want you for sex.
I relate to you a lot anon, because I felt the same way when I was in my early 20s. Yet avoiding that question caused me to waste a bunch of my time with guys who didn't care about me and strung me along.
I wish I had been more forward, would've saved me a lot of pain and disappointment.>>87786
this anon worded it well enough. Trust us, it doesn't have to sound like an interrogation. You're not being a square by asking important questions, and any guy that would think so isn't worth your time.
Thanks for your help anons.
Next time I have a date I will definitely get to the point and talk about my intentions. There really is no value in good sex if I feel bad afterwards and waste my time with guys that don‘t want me.
I just really have to be careful that my actions don‘t contradict my words and I hook up with them right away..
Also, if you‘re on a date and the guy says he doesn‘t want anything serious, how would you continue the date? I feel like it‘s gonna be really awkward from that point on so would it be best to just break it off right away?
So lately I've been meeting my bfs friends - I live like an hour away so I never had the chance until now. And the more of his friends I meet the more insecure I feel, as stupid as that sounds.
My bf is a good catch. Not the most attractive, but a guy that attracts you with his likeable personality. He's a person that helped me with a lot of issues I''ve had and I feel really close to him - ecxept when he's talking with some of his friends.
I can get behind some, the nerdy and kinda derpy ones. I vibe with them, mostly because I am the same. But the ones I keep meeting now are the popular, unaprochable party dudes. They remind me of the guys that bullied me during high school and the type to look down on me.
They start talking about how that party went, drunk stories etc. and I just can't keep up with that kind of talk, being kind of NEETy. But then I realized with the kind of guys my bf hangs around with he could definetly have a "better" gf. I'm not talking badly here about myself but I'm a pretty boring,lowkey tomboy-ish chubby girl, maybe 5.5/10,who has like 2 friends and spends her time with gaming and failing everything I try to even do. He could have someone so much more attractive from what I've heard, someone that's actually socially not awkward and vibes better with his party friends, which are the majority.
I told him how I feel and he just kissed me until I shut up and told me that I'm perfect for him and he wants no one else because he loves me more than anything else. I trust his words. Still I feel like he could have so much more, especially a person that actually functions in this society and in the end I just really wanna see him happy.
I don't really know. I guess it's more of an insecurity problem of mine than a relationsship one, but it's keeping me up at nights lately. Any ideas? I don't think it justifies seeing a therapist.
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Yes I made an analogy, good job!
Why are we blaming the partner? They're talking about THEIR decisions being an issue. I guess by your logic every human except those girls should say no for sex. Just shhh slut. Maybe keep having sex with every guy you meet, it might be the only thing youre good at.
And pray tell me, does caring about penis size make me less of a woman?
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>>88093>does caring about penis size make me less of a woman?
Yes. If a woman was bragging about her sex life, she wouldn't mention the size of the man's penis. If she was mentioning the penis, she'd be mentioning the girth. But again, that's not how a woman would brag about sex.
No Contact sounds like the best option for you. If you need time to get your life together and he's a reason why it's been on hold then you need to focus on that. If you guys broke up then no matter how you truly feel you've shown him that you are willing to fully let him go. At the same time, not knowing what someone is doing when you've had them in your life for so long can really drive some people crazy.
If you really want him in your life then maybe propose working on getting back together but learning how to balance your responsibilities and having a relationship at the same time. That's also a really good life skill.
If you really want it then I think you should be honest about it, like if he doesn't like it then he doesn't have to do it, but at least you wouldn't be wondering about it.
Maybe think of a way to ask him how he feels about incest fetishes first, because your girlfriend seeing herself as your little sister is pretty weird.
Trust me, there are men who are just dying to meet someone like you. Forget about that shit you read from women's magazines what men find attractive. Men find attractive what they find attractive, they don't go around with a checklist. If they like you, they like you. The guy being trusworthy is up to your judge of character, so I leave that to you, but I don't think most men will throw you away the moment they see someone else, because that's just ridiculous. Men have the same exact fears, one of you -preferably both- will just have to meet in half way and prove to each other to be someone they want to be with.
Don't worry, it's not incel-speak until you start to blame the society for your own faults. Know your limitations, work on your faults, but remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to find love.
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I've found out I was bisexual three years and a half ago, and I've always been pretty 50 and 50, other times I was 60 and 40 towards either men or women, but lately I feel like 99% towards women. There are a couple of attractive guys who asked me out, but for the first time I'm like… not interested at all. I feel nothing when I look at them, even though they're attractive. I feel like until a couple months ago I would've been very thrilled to date one of them but now I can only look at women and have a strong desire for a relationship with a woman. Is this when I'm turning into a full on lesbian?
Go outside and have a look at the couples walking around the local mall or whatever.
Are the women all supermodels?
Have you never seen an old married couple? They’re everywhere. Clearly the man did not ‘upgrade’ because his wife got crows feet.
Idk what incel-lite site you got this idea from, but stop visiting it.
Stop researching "objective standards," first of all. There is literally no such thing as objective standards when it comes to looks. Clearly you're on this site so you've seen the threads "men/women shilled as attractive who you find ugly" and "men/women you're ashamed to say you'd fuck."
>men can always date 1-2 points up
Stop fucking caring about "dating 1-2 points up" or you will end up with someone who DOES care about that shit and WILL leave you.
Are you trying to date through tinder/bumble/etc? If so, yes your appearance is the only thing that matters and yes the guys using those apps 99% are not looking to date. Look elsewhere (real life, perhaps).
No, that's a weird lack of empathy thing. I openly joke about my abusive dead father but have enough grace to be gentle about the trauma of others. People deal with things differently and it's just selfishness to refuse to work around it.
No offense to your bf, of course. But it takes 0 effort to be nice to your s/o.
Warning: The guy knows you'll break it off there so he will string you along and say he's looking for a girlfriend and you're everything he wants. This subthread assumes truth from him or truthful reaction.
What I did was meet at like 2:30 in the afternoon, if he wants to progress that to sex he's gonna have to pamper you for like 6-8 hours so it helps a lot. Meeting in daylight helps a lot too. As soon as you meet in the evening you fall into dial-a-ho category in the minds of the worst guys. A nice, daylight, coffee or one drink or walk around. Keeps everything purely factual. Not sure if you can get a boyfriend from this though because seeing men with all the romance stripped away put me off dating entirely, but as you're sex-keen you may still maintain an interest in them.
Wait…you were raped and your boyfriend makes frickin' rape jokes
We need to take the man-hate thread out of autosage
Talk to your boyfriend about this, he may not realize how uncomfortable it makes you. He realizes it's offensive, but maybe not how deeply it affects you which is exactly why you should talk about this with him. I don't know much about relationships, but I know that communication is very important.>>88427
No, what we need is a "start acting like an adult and talk with your partner" thread.
i agree here, it also occurs to me that her bf may just treat her feelings like his in the moment, and that would mean joking about her trauma as well. sometimes i don't get why everyone kneejerks so hard about things before the get the full story, anons need to talk to their bfs about stuff. if anon talks to him and he blows her off, then
you can say he's a jerk.
>inb4 but anon it was rape jokes!
in this instance, sure, but this attitude happens all the time.
also why do so many anons ITT just straight up not talk/communicate with their bfs? that's like the first rule of relationships. so many people come in here with issues and the solution ends up being 'talk to him' i don't get it.
It sounds like she talks to him about it already. She was raped as a child, it's baffling that the person who is supposed to love you would make rape jokes in front of her.
Like, even if you think rape jokes are funny (also baffling) couldn't you resist saying them in front of your girlfriend who was raped? Just that smidge of compassion too difficult for him?
Not sure what advice to give you, but I can say from personal experience that LDR guys with rebounds are the fucking worst. My ex did that to me, and my old roommate's ex did that to her too. Its so funny cause my ex is the one who lured me into being in a long distance relationship with him, yet broke up with me because he couldn't handle long distance relationships.
Idk, but if a guy is attracted to girls that are going to be at a distance from him, rather than ones who are near him, it seems fishy. I feel like my ex craved constant female attention (possibly because he had a single mother who coddled him his whole life)
. When he would come home for holidays and breaks, he'd always set aside extra time not just to spend with me, his family, and his guy friends, but also his ex girlfriends (??). Yet when we were friends in high school, all of his girlfriends weren't nearby and went to other schools (which should have been a red flag for me already).
I hope that you're able to move on soon, anon. And when you do try to date a guy that lives close to you, and doesn't have a bestie female friend or harem of female friends that he will constantly pit against you, that can give him constant attention when you're not around, & be ready with spread legs once he dumps you.
Personally I think if he needs to get his dick wet that soon, yet still feels bad about the breakup, then it sounds like his distraction from having to think about you. It could also very well be temporary and he could dump this next girl too once he realizes he "can't handle the distance".
Same anon. Before he moved out there he was constantly reassuring me that he was able to handle it but cracked two weeks in. Honestly at this point all I really want to hear is that he's using her to get over me. All I can really ask for is that he at least still thinks of me…>>88500
I don't think that was the case. Before he left his parents were offering him plane tickets so we could see each other. His parents truly liked me and were sad to see that we broke up.>>88497
The most logical response and while I've blocked him on pretty much everything I can't help but manually check.
I agree that deleting/blocking him on everything you can is a logical idea. The minute I was dumped I blocked my ex on every outlet I could, and eventually blocked his cell number. And since he didn't live near me or have the same friends as me, I wasn't constantly hearing and seeing updates about his new GF. Eventually I just stopped caring. It helped me get over him.
Cut him off and forget about him, and when he pops up out of nowhere calling you on his friend's phone and begging for you to be his friend/girlfriend again, just bask in the schadenfreude.
Your relationship was only 10 months. It doesn't really matter why
he's with the new girl but I'd guess it has a lot to do with only being in 1 relationship so far. Even if your relationship was perfect, it is common for men to want it all, want more, think they are being held back. They consider themselves adventurers and explorers.
You know that it was serious but he didn't, as it was his only
experience. He has probably got very serious with the new girl too quickly as a result.
It also sounds like he's not coping with the course too well (dropping you and then his friends) and new girl is a distraction rather than the cause of the behavior. Men like to cover up their problems by acting irrationaly. Makes it hard to guess the true problem if you take it on face value.
I'd say the move and course are too much for him already. If you were still together he'd be acting irrationally with you and you'd be posting why is my boyfriend acting so weird
on here (which I think you did initially iirc)
I can't. Him and his buddies have even spammed tinder somehow so I was only matching with them and seeing them in my swipes. It's like dude what.
I'm not even sure what I did to offend and I've tried asking but no one will tell me. And I'm starting to get scared.
That's creepy as fuck, obsessive stalker behavior. Buy a gun, but if you can't or don't want to then make sure someone you know IRL knows about this guy and the situation. Knowledge is power and if you hide this from everyone, if
he attacks you he can make up whatever story he wants to and then it's your word and evidence against him and his friends. Trust me, it's unlikely he'll stop without confrontation.
So there are a lot of things going on here.>his diet makes his cum taste really bad most of the time.
You could tell him it tastes bad, and if he cares about finishing in your mouth, there are things he can try like bromelain supplements, cutting out junk foods, staying hydrated, and not overindulging in red meats, cruciferous vegetables, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, and nicotine. He could also cum on your tits or something, if that's what he prefers. Be nice about bringing this up, and consider how you'd want him to address it with you if the situation was reversed.>His weight isn't unattractive to me, but he has some health conditions due to it
Don't talk about weight so much as health, then. Perhaps you could exercise and maybe meal plan together? He thinks you should gain weight, you think he should lose weight. You could both improve your health through better diet and exercise. If it isn't a financial burden (as in, you don't live in the US) try having him go for a checkup with his doctor if he hasn't lately.>it makes it very difficult to do certain positions, my knees get really achey during sex because of how wide I have to spread them around him.
Pillows, and be honest about your limits. I have a similar issue just because my boyfriend is very tall and has a huge frame and I'm pretty tiny. We use pillows and communication.>I want to help support him in being healthy but most of the time it ends up with him trying to encourage me to eat more and I don't want him to think it's because I think he's bad looking. Any advice?
As above, focus on health. And let it be reciprocal. Try to talk about both needing to exercise more or whatever, so he doesn't feel attacked or criticized.
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my bf has a tendency to make situations about himself, and whenever i don't do what he wants he makes it a big deal and tells me i don't love him. this happens a solid 2-3 times a month and it's getting grating. how do i have a conversation about this with him (he's not receptive to serious conversation), or is this even worth putting effort into anymore?
a few examples (the quoted text is near verbatim, swearing and all)-
>have strep and a bad fever
>invite bf over for a wholesome movie night
>all is well for a bit
>bf tells me he's thirsty
>tell him we have stuff in the kitchen downstairs, and ask if he could please get it himself because i'm not well
>he starts throwing a tantrum
>"you never do anything for me"
>"fuck this shit, i'm never going to do shit for you again"
>"i do so much for you and the one time i ask for anything you choose not to do it"
>"you really don't love me do you"
>he's so angry that he grabs his stuff and stomps out
>bye i guess
>have the opportunity to model for a popular jfashion brand (it was just for a con, nothing that actually matters)
>bf asks me who else is doing it
>list a few people i know off the top of my head
>fast forward, day before fashion show
>bf and i eating lunch with some pals
>one of them mentions how a dude in our friend group is modeling too
>didn't know, happy for him though
>day of the fashion show
>backstage, getting ready (bf isn't with me because nobody uninvolved with the show is allowed in)
>bf starts bombarding me with texts
>"you're a liar, you knew that guy was modeling didn't you"
>"you just didn't want to tell me because you thought it would make me upset"
>"having a guy backstage is a big deal and you fucking lied"
>"that's fucked up, you're manipulative and you know exactly what you did. don't try to play innocent"
>he's not even on his way to come and see me, he's too busy doing this
>literally dozens of texts calling me a liar, questioning my character, and just making me feel bad 30 minutes before the show
>text him basically begging and apologizing and asking if he'll please come see me
>more scary texts
>do my best not to cry because i wanted him to see me and be proud of me so badly
>he actually does show up without telling me beforehand
>doesn't say ANYTHING about it (no good job, no you were pretty, no anything)
>go back to the hotel
>he gets drunk and yells at me some more
>just cry and go to bed
>at bf's place
>about to go home
>he pins me down and jokes about not letting me get home by curfew (context: i'm 19, he's 5 years older than me, i live with my parents, and a 12 AM curfew is the only rule they enforce)
>laugh it off because he's said stuff like this before
>he doesn't let go
>"tell your parents that you're going to stay the night here from now on."
>oh, he's serious this time
>tell him no
>he gets upset and does the usual song and dance about how the girls he dated in highschool were able to stay the night all the time
>explain to him calmly that i'm not those girls, and that i respect my folks and the one thing they ask me to do
>he throws a fit
>"you don't love me enough to even try" (false: i've asked multiple times before on his request, to my discomfort)
>"you're too old to let your parents tell you what to do"
>explain that i don't feel comfortable defying them if they're being reasonable and i'm under their roof
>"so you're not willing to get in a fight with your parents to make me happy? wow"
>"you're acting like a kid"
>"guess i'm sleeping alone for forever, and you don't even care"
>"i bet you'll never try. what do i have to do, marry you?"
>cry because everything ends with him questioning my quality as a person and i'm sick of this shit
>he ignores me sobbing to go smoke pot
sorry for this wall of text, there's a lot more situations just like these and they all have me scratching my head. i feel like he's always attacking me and i'm on the defensive, but he makes it sound like it's the other way around. he insists that i don't love him but like… if you loved somebody, how could you intentionally hurt them or watch them cry without caring? i could never say to him the things he's said to me. i wish i knew how to explain this to him.
thank you for being frank with me anon. the third greentext in my post happened just last night and it really got me shaken up. i don't respect myself all that much, but it still got me thinking–how could he do this so often? is he just immature? or mean-spirited? why am i letting this happen?
we've been dating for 6 months so if i left it wouldn't be the end of the world. i'd be hurt because i really do care about him, but he's making it hard and i don't understand.
He's doing it because he is insanely manipulative and wants to put you down in order to make himself feel better. As someone who is closer to his age I get a sense that he is dating you because you are younger and probably have less dating experience than girls his age. This means you're way less likely to call him out on his bullshit.
I know it's super hard to hear it but he sounds like a piece of shit. That doesn't mean you're dumb for caring about him, or that your feelings aren't valid, and that when you leave him you're not allowed to feel bad. But for your sake you really need to get out of this relationship. It will be hard at first but as time goes on you'll realize that you do not deserve to be treated that way at all.
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My ex is pretty much killing me at this point in worry.
Pic related, they're both what I've written before about him before, just in case you wanna catch up.
After couple days of no contact he asked how i was, I said fine and admitted that I do still care about him and worry for him. Now more than a week later he uploaded picture of a place we went together on IG story.(that he wouldn't even know to exist if I didn't ask to go there)
I just told him that the place is really nice, which resulted in him either blocking his IG story from me or deleting it.(can't check otherwise because it's locked acc)
A bit later tonight I asked if he needs to talk about anything to what he answered "what would we even talk about". I said anything because i worry for him and I hope that he is okay. He left me read for 5 hours before saying he's okay.
I just don't know what to take out from this and it's really driving me insane, though I don't let him see it. What am I gonna do. I guess I'll try to go out still on saturday that I have agreed on with my friends.
I'm also wondering if I should ask couple of mutual friends if he's alright or what do they know about me, since they were fed lies too. Sensible side of me is saying that they would probably take his side no matter what, but I jsut need to know that he's alright and they're looking after him.
i'm just left wondering if he's just playing games with me or what. I did get invite to a party in the same country as him on mid august. I'm tempted to go and wondering should I ask then like a day before being there if he wants to have coffee as I'm just passing by to go see my friends.
I do know that probably would be for the best if I just delete&block his ass from everything and run as far away from him as possible. Even when it means unfriending couple of mutual friends(well, they were his friends far longer than mine so it's probably okay). Then again part of me really does still like him and I wish he would do or say something that I truly couldn't forgive ever
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How likely is it that you can convert someone you're dating out of religion? Has anyone here gotten their partner to question their faith?
There's this guy I'm fond of who seems otherwise sweet and pretty liberal, I'm just not sure how I'd feel dating someone who is comfortable with a belief system that features misogynistic elements.
Or do religious people just kind of pick and choose what they subscribe to sometimes? I'll admit to being ignorant as I wasn't raised in a religious household.
>inb4 just talk to him about it
I mean, that's the eventual goal. In the meantime I'm still curious.
If its islam, just fucking leave his ass.
I know from personal experience
You're both right, there's no reason to fret over it unless he expresses something awful. I'm not a mean atheist, I know that some people feel more safe believing in something and can have compassion for that.
So I guess I have no choice but to wait and find out more heh.>>89297
It is Islam. What was your experience?
I'd jump on the train of being wary myself, but I've known nice Muslim men who are respectful of women and generally good people. But Ive also heard some horror stories.
In the end, I'm not sure if I should pass someone up because of it.
I had a terrible experience with a Mormon guy. Not even going to get into my opinions about the religion itself, but he was very, uh, hypocritical about sexual matters. On the first date when he walked me back to my car he shoved me against my door and started making out with me. Second date he tried to shove his hands down my pants and wanted me to touch his boner. One morning he asked if I'd come to his LDS church with him, but I declined. A week later he sent me a text saying that we shouldn't see each other anymore because he was uncomfortable with how easy I was (??). Not much of a loss though cause I wouldn't want to be serious with a Mormon anyways.
I'm from a vaguely Christian background and would prefer to date another secular Christian (for familiarity), agnostic or atheist. My current BF was raised Lutheran and sometimes goes to church on Christmas and Easter with his family, but aside from that isn't religious at all. That's perfect for me.
I don't live with him. >>89365
I don't know. I guess it's more like he used to be an amazing boyfriend and now he thinks I'm spoiled, lazy, and unmotivated.
That strikes me as emotionally abusive
Why do you say that?>>89377
Yeah… You're right. Part of me feels like I'm being unappreciative and not recognizing what he does for me but at the same time, I tell him stuff like that I need to hear "I love you" once in a while, and he won't say it and refuses to say it because "it shouldn't be tossed around all the time, you know how i feel about you". I have BPD, which he also knows about, so this kind of reassurance is really important for my sanity. I don't understand why he won't do it. Sorry for the blog post, anyways it's stuff like this that makes me think it's not worthwhile. I'll probably do it when I see him next.
>>89379>it shouldn't be tossed around all the time, you know how i feel about you
That's fucking nonsense, nobody on their death bed thinks 'oh, I should've told my loved ones I love them less often'.
Good luck dumping him, hope it all goes well.
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God my BF is a fucking manchild.
>Lives in the middle of nowhere with his abusive hoarder mom so he can’t work or get a job
>Is not enthusiastic or optimistic about leaving and living with his grandma so that he can work
>Won’t discuss his future with me, when he does he never takes it seriously and says some BS like “I’m gonna be rich as fuck” without explaining how he will get there
>Jacks off all day and plays video games all day
>Has a waifu
>”Heart reacts” girls profile pictures and posts on Facebook but has an absolute meltdown when I accidentally liked a guy’s photo on instagram
>On Saturday gets shitfaced drunk while I work all day, says he smashed shit in an abandoned house
>Starts rambling and complaining about how much he hates himself and wants to die while also telling me I’m the only one who loves him and then a bunch of other random and unreadable shit (he texted me)
>Respond with just “I don’t know how to reply to all of this” because it’s essentially drunken rambling and I’m tired/on edge from a bad work day
>He says “K lol” and then tells me to “fuck off”
>I tell him that he can fuck off instead and not to talk to me
>Haven’t spoken to him since then
I’m so fucking sick of him. I want to break up but I’m legitimately scared he is going to pull some crazy shit if I leave him. He told me he would kill himself if I left. He wasn’t always like this. I’m starting to not care if he does something mental when I leave. I’m tired of him talking about suicide like it’s nothing and getting shitfaced drunk while I work ALL DAY. He won’t even fucking try. I’m sick of his retarded waifu fixation and his attraction to anime girls, which only exists in the first place because he clearly hates women. I’m tired of him expecting me to be attracted to his immature NEET ass after he sends me 10 photos of his greasy dick while I’m working my ass off at a stressful job that I hate. He thinks he’s so miserable but he hasn’t even felt what it’s like to be an adult or work. I get that he literally can’t work because he lives 40 minutes away from town but come the fuck on, he has full ability to move in with his rich grandma (she said he could come) but he literally won’t work on it or plan or ANYTHING. Sorry for the rant I’m just so fucking over this. Send me good wishes because I’m probably going to end it and chances are he will flip.
I had a bf exactly like that (weirdly similar even down to details like moving in with family to get work), except he was a stoner instead of a drunk. He didn't kill himself, even though he threatened to every time I tried to dump him. He ended up moving in with the aforementioned relative, getting a job, improving as a person and feeling bad for how he treated me.
Don't waste any more time with him, he won't kill himself and your life should take priority over his anyway.
As someone else who also had a guy threaten to kill himself if I left his dumb ass, just fucking ditch him. He's not your responsibility and honestly I felt stupid the first time I stayed because he would just remain toxic instead of improving. Dunno if he's alive or dead now and don't care, I'm a lot happier now and you should be too.
Cut off all contact and if he does kill himself and you find out, don't blame yourself and continue on with your life.
A guy who thinks he's gonna be rich from nothing and treats his drunk tirades like they're god's gift to earth is too much of a narcissist to kill himself.
Just be cautious because while I think he's too in love with himself to harm himself, I can't say confidently that he wouldn't find a way to try to make your life a living hell. He seems like he would be the type to not handle rejection, hence him trying to manipulate you into staying in the relationship.
In addition to being a jobless, excuse-making drunk, there's no way he can drive to you right?
Break up with him and ghost him completely, he'll try to guilt you into not doing it–and when that doesn't work–he'll likely turn to rage and abuse.
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So unsure of how to feel or what to do. This is my first relationship..
My boyfriend of 2 years spends every single day at his friend's house. EVERY DAY for about 6-10 hours. It's driving me absolutely fucking nuts. I go with him occasionally but all they do there is play video games and some weed. I haven't had a single day with him, just us in about 3 months. If he doesn't go to his friend's house right away, they spam him with texts and calls like they're his needy girlfriends. Everyone I've talked to about it has told me that he's "allowed to have guy time jesus just leave him alone or he'll leave you," but I feel like it's so excessive. I get that friends are important and I'm just a girlfriend but it hurts a lot to be put on the back burner all the time. I feel so fucking unimportant and it sucks.
We've talked about moving in together since I'm moving out of town for school. He initially said he'd go with me, but now I don't think he will be because he keeps talking about how he thinks his friend is going to be moving out soon (A few of his friends live together) and that they're going to be roommates.
I feel so unsure of our relationship. He says he loves me and cares about me, but it seems like no matter how many times I tell him what's bothering me, it doesn't seem to matter.
He just sounds really immature and his friends doubly so, they sound like the types to say us or her or some crap. I'd say sit him down and give him an ultimatum to help him wake up. It'll work out for you if he decides to break up because the relationship you currently have sounds terrible.
My bf was doing stuff like that before but I set him straight and now he's better. It really just depends on the person though I think.
>>89487>He says he loves me and cares about me
Notice how he only says it, but his actions say otherwise. Does he care you feel neglected? NO!>allowed to have guy time jesus just leave him alone or he'll leave you
GOOD! Do you really need a relationship in which your bf spend all of his days with his friends EVERY SINGLE DAY?>>89492
This anon gave you a good advice. First step is to tell him about it. Report back how it went, if you want.
I'm not sure if I should break up with my boyfriend of 6 years. We've been living together pretty much the entire time.
First of all he's been unemployed pretty much half of the time. He is unable to figure out what he wants to do for a living, and whenever he changes his mind about a job he quits and several months go by before he finds something new. Somehow we've been able to manage economically, but his lack of motivation or at the very least commitment to a job is really starting to piss me off.
There's been pretty much no intimacy for almost two years. He rejects me whenever I try to hug/kiss him. (e.g. I might try to hug him when he passes me in the living room and he'll be like "not now, I'm drinking coffee" or some other nonsense excuse) I've been telling him how much this hurts several times, and although he admits he has "a problem" it never gets any better. We haven't had sex for a month which, unfortunately, isn't unusual.
He also doesn't do much around the house. I make dinner 99.9% of the time. I like cooking so I wouldn't really mind it if he did the dishes. Instead of doing them after we've eaten he waits 1-2 days, and even then he'll only wash the stuff I need to make dinner. He never does this voluntarily; I have to tell him to do it. I wrote my thesis this year and spent most of my time at uni, coming home at 9 pm every day. He made me dinner once. He didn’t even bother to do the groceries, so not only did I have to make dinner after writing and reading non-stop for 10+ hours, I also had to og shopping with him. It’s been like this through all of my exam periods as well. (I hope this doesn’t sound too trivial. I’m just feeling like I’m not getting any support at all)
We don’t really have much in common, either, and we almost never do anything together. Most of the time he plays vidya while I read. He’s not very social and never wants to come with me to parties, and whenever I go he begs me to come home early. if I’m reluctant and want to stay longer it will turn into the same argument we've already been through a hundred times before. If he bitches about having to stay up late to pick me up I always offer to stay at a friends house, but he «can’t sleep» without me.
Despite all of this I think I still love him. He’s really good at telling me how much he loves me etc, and after a huge fight two weeks ago he stopped rejecting me as often. Nothing else has changed, however, and I feel like I’ve been telling him over and over again and it never gets any better. He’s my first boyfriend, we've been together since I was 16, and I just really don’t know what’s acceptable and what isn't. I'm also afraid of never finding someone else.
How does he react when you tell him exactly what you've written here in a calm, approachable manner? If he reacts with empathy, you might be able to work with him on it, through concrete action steps (applying for jobs, actually doing dishes, cleaning…).
If he comes up with more excuses, or does not follow up with actions, he's either too stuck in his rut or perhaps depressed. Is he depressed? There's action he can take there too - get his ass to a therapist.
Something has to be done, and it really depends on how he reacts to your wishes for action.
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My boyfriend gets mad at me every time I'm out with friends if there are other guys there. I'm never flirtatious and every guy who I regularly hang out with knows I'm in a relationship.
I also never hang out with just guys. There are always my girlfriends there and it's always a group. The only exception is if I hang out with my sister's boyfriend while we wait for her to get off of work.
He was cheated on before thus the insecurity, but this was when he was still a teenager. We're in our 20s now and have been together for 5 years. I've never cheated nor have I ever even entertained the idea.
He just expects me to stay home or hang out with him I guess because I'm on his shitlist if I go out with any of my friends because he assumes guys will be there.
He's already made me lose one friend that I'd known since childhood because I was stupid enough to cut him off a few years ago. Said friend did have a thing for me apparently, but he never made any move or gave any clues about it and respected my relationship, even giving me advice when my bf and I would get in fights. I found out after I cut contact.
Now he's trying to do the same to another friend of mine. He knows the guy (not anything about him, just who he is) and will talk shit about him if I bring him up. He assumes my friend has a thing for me, despite the fact that we only see each other through mutual friends and never speak otherwise. If I try to argue he says shit like "you should probably just trust me because I was right last time"
I'm at wits end after his last meltdown over it. I can't handle his insecurity anymore, it makes my blood fucking boil. It's degrading and it hurts knowing he doesn't trust me even after this long.
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I think you are going to regret losing those friends when you eventually break up with this guy.
He sounds massively insecure, needy and paranoid. That mixture of traits almost always seems to grow into extreme controlling behaviors. Soon you'll be all alone, except him. And even then, he will find things to bitch about (why are you reading that if there's men it, why are you watching that etc).
After five years man, if he doesn't trust you, it's over. You think you can handle another five years of this?
Pretty much every time I've brought hit up he's been very empathetic and admitting his faults etc, but he just never follows through.
He has been suffering from depression and he actually did see a therapist for a while. He actually suggested going back the last time we talked, but like with everything else it never happened and I really tried to push him. Thanks for replying!>>89621
That could have made sense, but we pay the same amount of rent. On the other hand he would definitely be worse off if he had to live on his own.
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this anon >>88862
here back with an update
i read all of your advice (thank you, by the way) but i still held on for a couple weeks because a lot of shit was going on and i'm a dumbass. however, this is the end. he fucked up for the last time. i'm done. sick of this shit. i have a story for you.
>get in my first car accident at night in an unfamiliar area>horrified, panic attack, hyperventilating, injured by airbag, all of that good stuff>crying on the side of the road in shock>kind strangers stop to help>both were men, but one had his wife with him and the other wasn't creepy or in my space at all>they help me pull myself together, call my parents, talk to the police for me, etc.>one of the men and the police officer stay with me until my parents come to make sure i'm safe>make it back home in one piece, only bruises/cuts/a burn(?) from the airbag
and then the next day…>take the day off because injured and still kind of in shock>figure i'll spend it with my bf, he sounded like he wanted to see me when i called him>having a good day, gets me my favorite food to cheer me up, take a nap together, etc>later in the day>we start talking about the accident a little more since i was only able to briefly explain over the phone>get to the part about the kind people helping me>cue bf flipping his shit>"you sure you weren't in the car with him (one of the men) all along?">"how could he have shown up so quickly?">"you were with him, weren't you?">tell him exactly what went down because he's jumping to conclusions like always>"i don't believe you">"why did he stay with you when the police officer was there, then?">…uh… to make sure i was okay, i guess? i don't know, i was crying a lot.>"yeah, sure.">"and anyway, why didn't you call me first? you didn't even think to call me?">i was too shocked to think, and the first thing the guy with the wife asked me was if i had parents he could call. i texted you after it was over and called you when i got home… was that not enough?>"should have called me.">calls me a liar again, implies that i'm unfaithful, complains about how he does so much for me yet i never consider him, then proceeds to give me the silent treatment for 3. fucking. hours.>i'm literally sitting in a room with this manchild who refuses to speak to me with nothing to do>stuck there because he was my ride home (my car wasn't driveable after all) and everyone else was out of the house>starts talking to me in the car on the way home about how he needs to see ME put more effort into our relationship>texts me this morning about how he wants my phone password because he doesn't trust me>good morning to you too, you fuck
this is already a novel but i have nowhere else to vent. fuck you for wasting my time. fuck you for taking advantage of my kindness. fuck you for making me feel worthless. just fuck you. i'm smarter than you, i work harder than you, i am everything that you claim to be but aren't. you can't stand it when i do well. you can't stand it when i ace tests, when i make friends, when i'm happy for any reason that isn't you. you will never find happiness because all you know is cruelty. i'm too good for this. i'm breaking up with this fucker the next time i see him.
he never even asked me if i was okay after the accident.
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DUMP! THIS! GIT! You deserve SO much better. My dad died of cancer and my shitty ex was already nearly a year deep into being like yours, everything was about him and accusations constantly. The last straw was even during my grief he could be so horrible and dismiss my feelings. You went through something heavy and terrifying and his first thought was to be a paranoid and disrespectful idiot. Get yourself outta there trust me it feels SO GOOD after.
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What an insecure piece of shit. He doesn't deserve you, anon.
I'm starting to think men only reveal their true selves when they're in the dating phase and this worries me a lot. I seriously can't stand clinginess and people expecting too much from me and all men I see tend to be this type. I love secure in himself, chill kind of man.
I find it funny how we are seen as the emotional and clingy side most of the times but when I don't give a fuck they say 'you're too cold' or 'you don't like anybody'.
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>>90515>"you sure you weren't in the car with him (one of the men) all along?"
I would have laughed in his fucking face.
Imagine being so insecure you suspect your partner was cheating on you within 5 minutes of being with a total stranger because she didn't ~call immediately~
What if you'd been driven to the hospital and couldn't have texted or called? Would he have accused you of performing fellatio with EMS?
He's fucking obsessed with controlling you because you're young and he's afraid you'll find someone better. Which you will. Dump.
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Sometimes my boyfriend just disappoints me. Not because he's rude or abusive anything, but just kind of dense and I feel like after over a year he doesn't understand me much. Like if I'm feeling slightly down he'll think that the better choice would be to give me space despite me telling him multiple times that leaving me to ruminate over thoughts make it worse. Sometimes he'll walk ahead of me and I have trouble catching up because I'm in heels, I always have to grab his wrist and pull him back. Most of the time I'm the one making plans, if I don't we'll just lie in bed most of the day zoning out. Or if we're out at a restaurant and I need something from the server he won't do anything (I'm perfectly fine speaking up, I just think it would be thoughtful if he did). They are very small, but numerous things that add up, he is just mindless and not as thoughtful sometimes. I don't feel like he's as passionate about me as I am about him, and it dulls my attraction a little bit.
I feel like that's how men are though, in their own world for 99% of the time, and he's definitely one of the better ones… I guess I shouldn't complain since people have it worse. I do talk to him about most of these things but if I have to teach him to be thoughtful instead of it being an innate quality, something about that just bothers me.
Kys roastie, if you loved him and adored him you’d want him as more than a boyfriend
DROPPED get the fuck off my board, thot(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
Just dump him before he gets more attached and resents you further down the line. Its the only way to salvage a friendship. Expect him to be hurt and probably not want to talk to you, but if he valued your friendship, a few months or maybe years down the line, he may let you back into his life.>>90653
Is probably a troll/incel so ignore the insults. But still, dump the guy.
Think of it this way: if he were having these feelings about you, would you want him to still stay with you? No, you would want him to be honest and just break up with you. Who wants to be pitied in such a manner?
I heard this not long ago and will be applying it to my life shortly. Good luck, anon.
there's no easy answer to that age old predicament.
if i were you i would just say that i'm not interested in being in a relationship and that i don't do long distance (assuming he is). If he's a nice dude, he'll understand, but if he's an entitled ass, there's literally nothing you could say that wouldn't get you backlash because every common rejection excuse has a classic negative reaction from entitled men
Ouch!!! That's so harsh! Couldn't you have been a little nicer about it?
>I like you a lot but I don't want a romantic relationship with you.
>I have a boyfriend/I'm gay
I can tell you're lying. I don't believe you.
Wow chill I was just gonna ask you about the weather not everyone wants to date you smh
>No. I'm just not into you.
Wow so I'm ugly and unloveable thanks for being honest I guess I should never have even talked to a girl!!!
Anyway you get the idea. All you can do if you want to be nice is be honest without making it too personal. Try to think of how you would want a guy to break it to you if you asked him out and he didn't want it. If you do that and he's still upset, it's his problem.
>>90944Just to make it clear straight away, I really enjoy hanging out with you and want to keep meeting up, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. It might seem random to mention this but I thought I'd better get it out of the way! I say this to all my guy friends and they're cool with it. No judgement on you I am just not interested in any guys right now
He should hopefully answer: Lol that's ok I didn't think you wanted to date me
I have no guy friends so take this with a pinch of salt, (it's either date or nothing with me for some reason) but I presume the above would go fine as long as he isn't crazy. See >>90945
Thank you both for your replies!>>90945
You're right, if he chooses to be a dick about it then there's nothing I could say to make it better.
I think I'm gonna go with something similar to >>90946
, I think that's a great way to put it. If he responds badly to that then I guess he wasn't a good friend in the first place.
Just don't hang out with him. Don't be his friend. Seriously, it sounds harsh but it only fucks shit up in the long run if you maintain a facade of friendship. They don't want to be your friend, they will stick around trying to get into your pants and have an emotional outburst when it doesn't happen. Don't tell him you arent interested in a relationship right now
either, as another anon advised. If he actually believes you he will just wait until you are ready for one, and it's bullshit sugar coating.
Male friendship is shit unless it's organic and time tested, random failed dates especially make shit friends.
Or she can continue to spend time with him and if he botched her out for "friend-zoning" him she can bitch him right out for "fuck-zoning her.
Goes both ways, fam.
Spineless man-boy can't admit his fee-fees upfront then that's his own damn problem.
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I used to not believe this was true, but experience taught me otherwise. Every single good guy friend ended up wanting more in the end, and after you find this out, it's really hard to go back to how the friendship was. It's always in the back of your mind and you start reading between the lines wondering if some gesture is just them being nice or if they're trying to silently say "look, I'm great boyfriend material"
Now I don't even try to have guy friends because it's honestly so hurtful to think things are only platonic and then it turned out they probably wanted to pursue something from the start.
Stay strong in what you need to do. Keep a list of all the reasons you’re leaving him or whatever that you can refer to if you are feeling sad or guilty. Make a pros and cons list to help stay motivated.
live your life your you and fuck him. Your not here to make him happy and you’re not his mother.
Just wanted to give this an update. I've decided to break the 'friendship' off completely. I really wanted to give it a chance, but I know you guys were right. I sent him a message telling him how I felt and cancelling our plans, and then I blocked him because I'm a coward and I didn't want to know what he would say.
In case anyone's curious, here's what I ended up sending him:
I thought about it for a while and asked a few people for advice, and I don't think it's a good idea for us to be friends. During our conversations and our meetup this week I got the impression you were looking for more than friendship, and unfortunately I cannot offer you that. If that's not the case then I apologise, but either way I don't feel entirely comfortable with it anymore. That's why I also think it might be better not to meet up next week. I hope you understand, and I wish you lots of luck in the future.'
Thank you all again for your advice, it helped me out a lot!
if you have a bathtub, a bubblebath by candlelight and a back rub works wonders on my bf. i had it all lit up and ready for him in there with a whisky and he got so wrecked by it, made me want to do it on the regular just to see his face.
also if there's something domestic he's been putting off (even laundry/folding socks because everyone hates that shit) just maybe do a couple of things without mentioning it. it might mean a lot to him.
dont push yourself too hard tho dude because mental health is super important and you gotta look after yourself too <3
good luck, make sure to update us!
The favt you brought it up says it bothers you. Maybe don’t urge him to go right into a four-year college, but community college where he won’t have to submit ACT scores. He can get an associates degree and then transfer to a four-year institution. Sounds like a traditional for your college isn’t a good pick for him anyways.
If he doesn’t become more and fishes there’s nothing wrong with you ending the relationship because of that. People change, and it’s OK to want equal.
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Hey again anons, same anon here. Thanks for your advice and input, I'm really thinking over sitting him down for a really long and important chat because a similar thing happened again.
>Been really down and low on selfesteem lately>Usually fine with banter but he knows how shit I've been feeling and how I get really sensitive when I'm depressed>Starts mocking me again and calling me stupid, making fun of my voice and how I say things (he's southern, I'm northern)>"Can you please not do that today?">"You're always so defensive anon you make me feel really guilty for just making a joke">Later>Him, jokingly: you're such a bitch>Me, jokingly: Yeah I know right?>Him: it pisses me off when you put yourself down please don't>mfw no idea if I'm genuinely sensitive and guilt tripping him or I'm voicing reasonable concerns and he's not taking them>Apologise for making him feel bad>He doesn't apologise for my concerns>Feel even shittier about myself because I'm the bad guy
This is like, 20% of the time things like this happen. It's not a giant regular thing. It just sucks that whenever things like this do happen I take them to heart. Maybe I am oversensitive but I joke around with friends all the time and banter, but with him he insults me for the same things every time and rarely ever admits that they aren't actually true because he says he "doesn't like to".
>>91388>He even made me a tinder.
Excuse me, what?>He says it's because he's worried I'll cheat if we can't have sex for like a month
Yet he's okay with you cheating on him with a woman. This is disgusting, and clearly you're not attracted enough towards other women to want this.>Because he knows I cheated on my ex twice.
So he's going to tempt cheating onto you again by creating a Tinder for you? Who even says you only check out girls on it? >Has anyone ever had something similar happen?
This is bizarre and unusual.
If anything it sounds like something he wants set up to alleviate his paranoia about what you're doing, and perhaps guilt(?) if he's cheating on YOU
during these business trips. Sounds like a control freak either way.
He doesn't call me being with another woman "cheating" apparently because she doesn't have a penis. Also, my tinder is logged into both of our phones because I'm guessing like you, he thought I might try to check out men instead.
To the other anons saying he's prepping to cheat or something, he's painfully honest. He would definitely tell me if he wanted to hook up with other women. I've asked, and he literally says I can't cheat if I'm not lonely with someone fulfilling my sexual needs. But like… I don't even have that high of a sex drive. I guess whatever makes him feel better, but I really wish he'd just try to trust me instead. I wish I could figure out a way to prove that I'd never cheat on him.
I think most people would not be fine with their partner posting nude pictures of themselves publicly. It might simply be that you're incompatible on this issue, which is completely fine as long as you're both respectful and conscious of this.
No one has to be in the wrong. He has his boundaries, you have your boundaries. He has evidently stated where his are, and now you'll have to decide if you can live with them, or if you cannot (which means not being in a monogamous relationship anymore). As long as you both handle this like adults I'm sure you'll get to some kind of conclusion.
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There's this one coworker of mine who's quite distant and cold but over the last half year or so, he's started to warm up to me
I wanted to ask farmers, but how do you warm up someone who's a little cold and takes a while to warm up without scaring them off?
We'll meet outside work, but he's terrible over text and he barely ever responds to anyone, but I did something nice for him to wish him luck on a really hard day coming up and he messaged back and actually used a kiss
He never does this for anyone, should I take it that he's gradually warming up to me?
When we're at work together he always seems to be looking out for me but he'll be really kind and then sort of shrug it off like it's nothing.
He only does this for me and will try to talk to me a lot, I just want to know how I can win his heart and not just his friendship.
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i don't think you're being ridiculous
but he's being totally reasonable. it sounds like he's making you aware of his boundaries without shaming you or blaming you for anything. that's really the best way anyone could handle it and it's very responsible and mature of him.
if you want to also be responsible and mature now it's up to you to make your decision for yourself without
a) resenting him if you choose him over nudes
b) acting like he bullied you or shamed you just because he's not comfortable with what you're doing
Thank you for the insight, you’ve brought up a lot of good points. I certainly don’t want to force someone into doing something they aren’t comfortable with, the part that feels the most odd is that I let go of making a decent living without doing much work while camming yo make him feel more safe in the relationship but at that point it was never brought up as a dealbreaker, he was actually kind of supportive and encouraged me to make more “custom content” with him. It’s just confusing that it made him less uncomfortable for me to do that but posting revealing photos infrequently became a huge issue between us. It was all very sudden.>>91433
I think it’s very possible my social environment sort of led me to believe this wouldn’t be the case because most girls I went to college with did some form of SW, so I’m not sure what people’s usual expectations in a relationship would be.>>91441
Again, thanks for the insight on this. I actually kind of appreciate people telling me it’s reasonable because my friend group is riddled with sw’s so my feedback is of course super biased. The boundaries I feel are absolutely reasonable, but I don’t equate posting a nude to cheating and it’s confusing and jarring that his attitude shifted so suddenly.. one day he was helping me make content and taking photos for me to post then one day he says it’s cheating in his eyes and makes our relationship less special when it’s shared with other people.
Understandable for sure, I just don’t understand the sudden shift… I don’t want to resent him for any of this, eventually I know I would have come to the decision of dropping it on my own, but he’s always made me feel a little “less than” for all of this… and this isn’t the first time he’s sort of bullied me out of things. I kissed a girl at a party once, he blew up about it for 3+ months.. as a result I cut ties with all female friends, wasn’t trusted by him to sleepover at said friends houses or to drink with them. He slept with my best friend, hooked up with his “friend” and another friend of mine… but I’m not even allowed to sleep in bed with a close friend because what if I fuck her…
Thanks for the advice, sorry for spilling my whole fucking life story.
Okay so kissing other people when in a relationship is something probably a majority of people wouldn't be fine with. I certainly know a fair amount of people who would be fine with it, but most would not. Also, viewing kissing other girls as "less" than kissing other guys is some weird borderline misog.
In any case, that reaction seems a bit much. And did he just straight up cheat on you with that "friend"? This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship on both sides.
I'd suggest taking a break from each other. If you think it's within both of your capabilities to talk and reason this out, then by all means try that. Or couples counseling.
He's the one who asked me last to go for a drink and he talked a lot which was lovely as a lot of colleagues get the quiet cold side of him, seeing him get passionate about things is really cute
He ended the text with an x I mean>>91469
I would want to date him over time if he felt the same, I really like him.
I've already confessed to him one time when we were out but it was a while ago, he took it well and opened up about why it takes him a while to warm up to people but since that event I have the feeling we've gotten a little closer, I just don't know how to be more to him than just a friend and I want to at least be a good friend for him let alone a good gf
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i posted here last summer about a high school friend i had a crush on who was giving me mixed signals. fast forward a year later and i'm almost certain that even if he had feelings for me back then, he sees me as only a friend now. the initial realization hurt, but i'm relatively over it. i even made plans to come down to visit him this weekend, since i only get to see him once a year because i go to university in a different country.
i don't know if i'm just being insecure because i'm still sad he didn't see me the same way i saw him, but now i don't even know if it's worth keeping him as a friend anymore. he rarely messages me over social media and even when i initiate conversation his replies are few and far inbetween or sometimes he just won't even reply to a simple question i ask him. i get that he's probably busy and has new friends other than me, but if that's the case then i don't know why i'm still trying to engage with him if he doesn’t reciprocate. he doesn’t even seem to care that i’m coming to visit him. i’m literally leaving in two days and i’ve been the only one to initiate conversation asking him whether he has a couch i can sleep on, what time he gets off work, etc. i don’t know if it’s just me, but whenever my friends fly in to visit me i always message them a few days before telling them at least where they’ll sleep and that i’m excited they’re coming to see me.
i guess the point is i’m wondering whether this friendship is really worth holding on to because in the long run i’d obviously be more hurt than him. i feel like he’s half-assing this friendship while i still really care about him and sometimes i feel like an idiot for still trying to talk to him. my friends just tell me that’s how guys are and they don’t make it as obvious that they care about you or express it that openly or often and that if he didn’t care then he wouldn’t have offered me to come visit him. he also called me randomly a few weeks ago at like 1AM when he was tipsy and hanging out with his friends so i guess that means he was thinking about me at least…? ugh i’m not really sure anymore.
Random which country are you from, i’m ultra paranoid this my be my flirt lmao
Please tell me you dont live in Denmark
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How do you know if you're still in love or not?
I've been with my bf for a few years, but sometimes I question whether I'm actually still in love or just comfy in a relationship with a familiar person. Like, we have a lot in common and can have a good time, but I don't really feel sexually into him anymore and sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be single and alone. I feel sad to think of him not being in my life but also feel like I want a break or something but I don't really know why.
I think a lot of people who are in long term relationships have those feelings anon. How I see it is that long term relationships really aren't all about feeling head-over-heels obsessed with your SO all the time but still wanting to build a life with them. It's natural to be curious about wanting to be single, but if you're saying that you would be afraid to lose him and that you still enjoy being with him then I wouldn't break it off. Are there other aspects of your life that you're not feeling all that great about? If there are I'd probably take a look at those problems first rather than trying to find things wrong in the relationship.
Maybe you guys should add some new things into your sex life, whatever they may be.
I have the same feelings, anon.
Fact is, me and bf don't have drives for sex at all and a bit of masturbation to porn individually every now and then is enough for either of us. We're still romantic like going out on dates, snuggling, horseplaying, and verbalizing our love and appreciation. We're supportive of each other and we do see a future. Yet some people on the internet have me feeling because we're not rabidly fucking like what happened in our first year, that our relationship is doomed to fail.
Worst of all, is that I grew up with my parents not being sexually active at all, and they still aren't. So to me it all seems like normal progression anyway.
Sometimes when I'm frustrated in my relationship, like when bf doesn't do chores or complains about money, I fantasize about being single again and having a cleaner apartment and not having to worry about someone else's emotional baggage. When he's dull and boring, I fantasize about being single and having exciting flings again.
But those are just passing thoughts when I'm mad, and no matter how mad I get it brings me to tears to think about it all being over.
Maybe it's a bit of both? I don't see anything wrong with being comfortable and in love. But I don't know. I don't know if sex in a relationship is truly the be-all, or if it's just a meme.
My description was so unspecific though kek. But yeah no worries, I'm in France.
I did end up texting him last night and didn't get a response. So I guess that wasn't a good idea.
Sorry im just a little insane kek
And that sucks anon, hope you find good dick somewhere else
Idk from my experience it is impossible to be alone with a guy without something
happening. I don't know why you want to watch a movie and then MORE MOVIES, that's over kill. Watch a movie and then go to dinner afterwards (like a fun cheap place, pizza, italian, sushi whatever) will be much more fun and no worries about things happening you're not ready for.
I don't know how often you guys usually communicate but to me it kinda seems like he's pulling a slow fade. I was in a LDR for 3 years and not talking for 3 days plus would have been unthinkable to me (before we broke up). I can only speak for myself, but the moment our communication started fizzling out was the moment our relationship slowly came to an end.
But if it bothers you, why don't you just text him first and see how he reacts?
You said he sent you a meme and you didn’t respond. Maybe he thinks the ball is in your
I don’t really have any advice other than to try to talk to him again.
How long have you been in a relationship with him? Have you met in person yet?
Nearly a year, and no, that's what the argument was about.
You're right anon I'll stop being so stubborn and message him, thank you for your advice and I'm sorry to hear about your past LDR. Hope things are better for you now!
your options are really only to break up with him or find out if you love him enough to prioritize a long term relationship with him over your curiosity. otherwise, you're either fucking yourself or him over, or both.
> be in dept for all the things he’s gotten me as gifts.
this isn't a thing. do you really think it is or are you finding reasons you "can't" break up because the idea is too anxiety-inducing?
What was your stance? I've found that Online Guys just like having a girl "in their phone" to talk to (I even saw an Online Guy use that phrase, "girls on my phone" like we are characters in a game that only exist in the device)
They don't think we are a real, flesh and blood person so despite having a strong friendship or relationship there is a divide between the digital and the reality that they don't want to cross.
Some guys do want to be together irl and aren't crazy as above, but just throwing that out there in case that's relevant for you.
Otherwise, send him a message whenever you think is appropriate, he shouldn't have gone silent on you but from my experience that happens when they're in the wrong but want to proceed without apology.
What you can do to stop it is to establish healthy boundaries and communicate your feelings and desires with the people in your life, in this case your boyfriend. You tell him he's moving too fast. You tell him you want some time alone. You tell him you cannot continue a relationship.
If communicating your needs and being afraid to stand up for yourself is often a problem in your life generally, seek therapy.
As the other anon said, there is no such thing as "being in debt" for the things he has gifted you. That's just in your head. If he brings it up at all when you have communicated your desire to end the relationship, he's a pressuring manipulative sociopath whose opinions you should not even take into consideration.
Good luck with your needs. You can do it if you just want to.
If it's a heirloom, you really should give it back. Honestly, depending on where you are, an heirloom ring is pretty much the only thing you can be forced to give back after a broken engagement.
Also don't be a cunt, you know you're doing it only to spite him.
You should never feel like you "owe" him anything if its something you aren't comfortable doing. Having a 3some with a close friend is something a few of my friends in longterm relationships have done, but if you aren't comfortable and have a lot of insecurities in yourself or in your relationship, a 3some will probably exacerbate them.
If what you say about him never wanting to pressure you into something is true, he should put your feelings before something as minor as a kink and you'll be okay. Taking it off the table for now while you're unsure doesn't mean it's not ever going to be something you want to do, you can always put it on hold for when you're further in and feel more comfortable about it.
I feel so, so bad after reading this. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and I'm sorry that you can't do almost anything. I wish you could at least live with other family who can help you or maybe contact Social Services but I assume you can't right now.
My advice - apart from the things I said above - is that you need the be stronger than ever. Even if you have to live like this for a few years (and I really, really hope that you don't have to do it), remind yourself why you're staying and try not to feel emotional dependable of your husband because someday you may be able to leave him and you need to feel strong enough to do it.
I know it's hard and that you love him, I know that you wish things were different and I know that you possibly wish he could change but someday you may find someone who treats you and your child the way you deserve and who's not abusive to you. People can cope with different emotions such as anger and sadness differently but that doesn't mean that anyone, ever, has the right to treat you bad.
One of the things that made me realize I couldn't stay with my partner any longer was that nobody has ever treated me as bad as him. He never hit me but words and mean words can be such as bad as punches or bruises. Even when I grow up with alcoholic parents, they never shouted at me or called me any of those things that my boyfriend did. He, who was supossed to love me, the one who helped me to leave my past behind, was being worse than any of the things that left me traumatised as a child. Way worse.
And that destroyed me because I couldn't imagine a life without him and I thought being alone was worse than being with him but it wasn't. Of course it wasn't, and he didn't change, even after giving him endless oportunities. If was always my fault, afterall, and ''at least he didn't hit me'', too.
Think of your child. Think what you'd tell him/her if he/she was in the same situation. What you'd like that he/she will do.
I hope you stay strong, anon.
You're not alone, even if I'm an anon on internet, I can always listen to you and try to give you support in any way. You're not stupid, love makes us think things aren't as bad as they are because when we care about someone we tend to excuse little things that may turn into bigger ones. Of course if you knew since day 1 you wouldn't be living this situation but you're not stupid nor it's your fault.
I know that coldness…And the feeling that maybe he's right and you're the one causing trouble but believe me, sorry for repeating myself, but it's not your fault and you're already strong enough to admit he's abusive to you. Sometimes it takes years to even see the bad things that are really happening to us, even if it's so clear to others, because feelings and emotions truly blind us.
I truly wish life treats you better from now on…And of course try to be kind with yourself and don't see you as weak or anything because what you're doing right now and why you're doing it (your child) it's admirable. Be strong. <3
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how the fuck do people make long distance relationships work. i recently got into an ldr with one of my guy friends i met on discord and things have been going pretty smooth but i personally don't know how to generally make it work out. he's definitely committed and so am i but i have a hard time understanding how most ldrs are this picturesque running-into-each-others-arms-at-the-airport but with us it was more of a meet up at the side of the highway. i just feel like i'm doing something wrong because it's not as perfect as other peoples and he's told me multiple times that he's happy with the way the relationship is going but i still hear this little voice in the back of my head that tells me that i'm shit and i'm doing everything wrong. anyone know how the hell to calm my anxiety about this nonproblem?
I just joined my boyfriend in his country after 1 year of long distance, and we're moving in together soon.
Every time we meet again after a long time away it's kinda awkward, it takes time to familiarize with each other again, it's never like in movies where you see the other and then make out for 15 minutes.
Sometimes when we were apart I'd have aching heart and fuzzy feelings of loving him and longing to be in his arms, but most days I just lived my life normally with the added routine of sending messages when I have the time and calling him while commuting.
I don't think there's much glamour in LDRs. It's not a fun situation, Skype sex and dirty talking can only go so far (and we took it pretty far in my case lol) and nothing can replace real skin against skin intimacy amd being actually in each other's life day to day. Making it work is just about talking everyday, being open about feelings, and knowing the distance will be closed one day, imo.
In the long term they usually don’t.
Long distance relationships, especially ones that start out as distant (as opposed to your partner having to move away for whatever reason) can’t thrive on skype unless the people in the relationship are completely dedicated and that dedication doesn’t falter.
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I've spent my entire life with depression, always ending up in abusive relationships with people who would barely give me the time of day, unless it was to hurt me. I never thought about marriage or kids or my future because there was always just the looming shadow over me that someday my depression would make me destroy myself. Until I met that one person who made me want my future and made me want it with him. I finally had someone who was sweet, who wasn't ashamed to say I was his girlfriend, who I loved more than anything else. I poured 3 years of my life into him, it felt like no matter what bumps I hit, at least I had someone in my corner now. Until he unceremoniously dumped me, just saying he didn't see us together in the future. No discussion of what a future together would have even meant or why we didn't have one.
It's been a couple of weeks now. I always think I'm fine until I see something that reminds me that only a few weeks ago, I had everything I could have wanted: someone I loved, a city I loved, friends, laughter, good sex, hope for a future, something to look forward to every day. I'd never understood what all my friends who got married felt like, knowing someone wanted to be with them. I'd never wanted a future with anyone before him, and now I don't know what to do now that I've felt that. Now it's gone, and I'm scared of myself again. I see the shadows everywhere again, and I just keep running. But I don't know where to run to anymore.
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I've been dating the same guy for four years now. We met in high school, starting off as friends and then hating each other because of friend group drama. We reconnected after high school, became really good pals, and eventually started dating. And it's been great! We can communicate well and have similar hobbies, so we're usually on the same page. I moved in with him a little over a year ago.
However, there's one thing about him that really irritates me. It might sound petty or like it's no big deal, but it gets on my nerves. Being the nerdy people we are, we like all kinds of media, be it video games, films, comics, etc. I have seen nearly every Marvel movie in theaters since the time we've been dating, lmao. And don't get me wrong, I enjoyed most of them, and I certainly wasn't dragged to see them. Dating can be a good way to have a more open mind and try things you normally wouldn't on your own, and I love seeing movies. This also extends to other types of media he likes as well, and I've read several comics based on his recommendation (I've always been more of a weeb than he is). And again, it led me check something out that I normally wouldn't, and while I didn't love all of them, it was still a fun experience.
However, I feel like the same principle doesn't always extend to me. Unless he already knows about something or has interest in it, he doesn't really pay as much attention to stuff I try to get him to check out. And it's frustrating. But with his (guy) friends, they'll exchange about what they've liked recently, and he'll be receptive to stuff that's new and unknown to him. He doesn't seem to want to hurt my feelings by outright telling me "no" or "it's not my thing" so he instead is like, "yeah, I'll check it out" anytime it's mentioned and he never does. When it comes time for me to be like, "hey, I want to watch this movie together", and it's something esoteric and he hasn't seen, he'll just awkwardly continue with whatever he's doing at the moment and it'll be too late to watch a film. And it's like, of course I could say screw it and put it on anyway, but sharing a space with one TV is tricky. But I digress.
Am I being a pretentious megabitch or is there some validity to this feeling? How do I talk to him about it constructively?
tl;dr I just want to show my boyfriend some media I like but he's not receptive, and expects me to be receptive to seeing all 1000 (enjoyable fun, but predictable) Marvel movies each year and idk how to communicate this.
Even though it seems small it does signify him paying more attention to his male friends' taste in movies etc than you. Which by extension shows a lack of respect for you. Not a dumpable offense but keep your eye out for other signs of lesser respect and decide how you feel based on that.
Easy solution is to stop being "interested" in his things and then tell him the same things you wrote in the post if/when he notices.
i'm the anon who wrote the original post, he doesn't even want a FFM threesome, so no he's not "thirsting for something new". he's just confided in me that a threesome is something that he'd be interested in at some point, (i think it's the "showing me off" aspect he likes) and i don't really see that as bad>>92667
u right anon, i was just ruminating on it too much at the time i wrote that post. probably won't happen in the near future but who knows what can happen down the line!
hmm, could it be you're feeling this way because it's hard for you to picture a future with him? i was in a ldr with a guy for ~2 years, it sucked, and it made me really depressed although i tried to convince myself that i wasn't really
depressed about the relationship. ldrs are very different from real life relationships. honestly, if you can't really see yourself with this guy IRL in the future, there's a good chance you'll just feel like you're in limbo and with no real end goal, you know? don't put yourself down for being in a shitty situation when it's not your fault. but you should think about what you want to come of this relationship, if anything. just being "a girl in a phone" for an indefinite amount of time is bad news, in my experience.
If you have a bf who refuses to work you should look into skills retraining and a trade job relevant to the region/country you live in. a lot of guys are not well adjusted for an office environment with the infighting and backstabbing, sucking up to bosses and so on. they would prefer to be outside or work with their hands, but this has almost become a taboo subject because the perception is that you are stuck as a low paid laborer for life.
the career trajectory for trade jobs is good, the have an opportunity to own their own business by mid 30s and can retire in their 50s. it also creates opportunities to grow it into a family business and pass on something to your children. bonus they will surrounded by mostly men, so the temptation to cheat and flirt with some intern hired for her appearance won't be there.
examples: mining, oil and gas, auto work, plumbing, electrician, construction, concrete, landscaping.
You're doing all the things men who watch porn say to do to make them stop (sending him nudes and obviously having an equal sex drive).
He's an addict and it probably won't get better.
I've only had one decent boyfriend until now that I wasn't attracted to him physically, but he was really sweet so I loved him.
I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but usually guys get interested in me at first, talk to me for a a few days and then ghost me. I think I become boring because my mind feels empty most of the time.I've been struggling with mental illness but I'm not completely nuts, I understand social boundaries etc I don't have crazy ideas but I'm really anxious and I deeply despise and hate myself, maybe people can tell I hate myself and they get themselves distanced from me.
I'm average in looks and I'm not fat or something, the only problem I have is that I look much younger than I actually am and I'm also shy and anxious.
I want a normal boyfriend, I always attract creeps and just weird people overall. I've been in a relationship with a much older man that abused me and I hate myself for it because it was my fault I let myself get blinded by him.He didn't even help me financially or anything like that, he would just carry me socially because I'm extremely bad at social stuff, sometimes I can't even go outside by myself. I still have flashbacks from the relationship with this older man and I'm trying to forgive myself for it and forget about it.
Also, this guy started messaging me on Facebook a few weeks ago and I thought he was fine at first but then he started to give me creep vibes and asked me if I would like to meet him IRL, I told him I do not want to and that I'm not looking for a relationship and then he started writing me paragraphs and sperging about how much easier it is for females to find partners, which for me it is not true and for many other women. Why do some men think it is much easier for women to get into relationships because it is not.
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I promised my husband few years ago that eventually I'd quit smoking, then put it down to 3 per day, I was a heavy smoker, I also self harmed but stopped because he wanted me to, today I wanted to smoke an extra one because life has been shit lately and I feel awful/stagnated and he threw a shitfit and made me feel even worse. I just feel like I'm manipulated but it's for my own good. Feels hypocrite though because he wants me to remain overweight because he thinks it's more attractive to him so I don't do anything about it and just stay the same weight, so it's definitely not about health, and I usually brush my teeth, floss and keep my mouth clean and hydrated if I want to kiss him. Not much anybody can say to help this but I feel like shit and wanted to vent about it.
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Any other anons dating someone who comes from an extremely wealthy family yet being practically poor themself? I don't want my boyfriend's parents to see my house when dropping me home from - guess where - the yacht club. I know money isn't everything, but I just don't want them to get the impression that I'm not a hard worker, or a leech or something.
Not extremely wealthy, but wealthy enough that their life experiences have been completely different to mine due to money. My boyfriend's grandparents were very wealthy teachers and owned a very large house. They took their kids abroad for holidays during the 1960s which in the UK was quite a massive deal. The furthest my Mum got as a child for a holiday was 40 miles down the road.
My boyfriend spent his childhood visiting historical sites such as castles, monasteries, hiking and doing general middle class things. Mine was spent on a council estate where people were shot/stabbed/run over a lot, being raised by a single mum with 3 siblings and living off frozen food. Very much British working class. I'm thankful for my upbringing because we all turned out well, but when I pulled up outside my boyfriend's house for the first time I wanted to drive away. They live on the outskirts of a town but in the countryside. His Mum and sister speak fairly posh and talk about posh things. They've asked me weird questions which at times have made me feel a bit uncomfortable - which my bf apologised about! They're lovely but I always feel like there is a slight barrier there where we will never truly understand each other. But that's just the way it is. Just try and find things you can talk about, common ground. And just think of this, not everyone will judge you for being poor or less better off. Some will patronise you or ask you dumb shit, but you can make it work.
It's a relic from the times of old that has carried to modern times, and that is the tradition of men approaching women first. Yes it's "easier" for women to get into relationships, all they have to do is wait for those men to approach. But the problem here is that the men who approach may not always be the dream husband material. There are guys with really smooth social skills who want nothing but get into your pants, and also dangerous creeps who don't have social skills but have the courage to approach women. Some of the men approaching are nice people, but that's something you can't see from outside so you just have to sit through them all and get to know them enough to make a judgement.
I would recommend you to actually approach the guys yourself. Trust me, there are many nice young men too shy to talk to girls just waiting for someone like you to appear in their lives. You may not even need to go all the way, just say hello to them as a sign that you might be interested, and that could be enough to courage them to do the rest.
I feel you anon. My SO comes from a really wealthy family. I didn't get the full picture until we dated some years because he is pretty normal but when I did, I felt so embarrased for all the times I showed up in ugly clothing lol despite me looking like nothing of the typical "good" family girls from my country (blonde, white passing, tall) and being very typical latin looking (brown, black hair, short), I did impress them by smart small talk, talking about my job (which is art-related one) and seeming like a good influence for their son. For example, If you bf it's kinda lazy you can take him to the gym or doing some hobby. or, if he doesn't live with his parents, you can tell him to call them more frequently. They would notice.
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Do you have access to a bookstore? I can’t afford therapy, so I buy workbooks and psychology books catering to those who are dealing with anxiety or PTSD and work on them when I’m alone. There’s a lot of helpful or otherwise constructive material you can access at bookstores and libraries.
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Pic related. Me last year vs last week.
My boyfriend of 3 years admitted to me last night that though he loves me, he is no longer attracted to me.
He said it’s not necessarily how I look (I think he’s being nice about it and not admitting it tbh), but that I’ve lost my spark. Like a part of me died with a person I loved dearly and lost very suddenly last Fall. Un-fucking-fortunately, I’ve been using shitty comfort food to cope. When I come home from work, I’m often too blah from the day to go to the gym or take my dog on a walk, so I sit on the couch until it’s bedtime. My 7-4 job can be busy at times, but I’m often just sitting during downtime.
I’m 5’3 and 160lbs now, but I weighed about 125 when we started dating and 135 last summer so I’m sure the weight gain really changed how I appear to him. We’ve been best friends since high school and I don’t want him to give up on me—he’s already gotten super neglectful and lazy with the relationship as it is and it’s to the point where he won’t hold my hand or act like a boyfriend in public. I feel like he’s embarrassed to be with me and though we’re a couple that lives together and are fully committed, we act more like platonic friends. There’s no more chemistry, no sex. I honestly need to do something about my weight. I know it won’t fix everything bc there’s a lot of shit that’s wrong in our relationship from how shitty he treated me last year to the loss of a loved one this year.
This week is the first time I realized how bad I’ve let myself get thanks to the candid on the right. I don’t exactly look in the mirror much anymore. Depression is a cunt.
I don’t know what to do to get my spark back, tbh. My mood has been low enough to resort back to self harm and tbh I was considering ending my life a couple months ago, but pulled through. I don’t have insurance yet (my benefits from work don’t start for another few months) and I currently can’t afford to pay for it out of pocket.
Idk. I just don’t know what to start with or how to get started or how to fix anything right now. I love him more than anything and I just don’t see myself walking away after having him in my life for 10+ years.
I need advice. Idc if it’s mean at this point.
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you're in a funk so going from 0 to 100 won't work. instead, go from 0 to 5, to 10, to 30, to 50, etc.
for the next month, take a multivitamin every day, drink green tea, do a stretch routine like pic related every day, and go on a 20 minute walk around the block 3 times a week. that's it. no cardio, no lifting, don't worry too much about food. you won't lose much fat but you might lose some water weight and the key is to get your body used to regular movement so you don't injure yourself and it doesn't feel like punishment to be avoided.
for the 2nd month, turn your 20 minute walks into 20 minute walk-runs. buy a cheap heart monitor watch and find out your target heart rate for metabolism increase. if you keep your heart rate at that rate, your walk-runs will help you speed up your metabolism over time. continue taking vitamins and staying hydrated, and start researching macros and micros for food. at this point you'll already start to lose a little fat, but it'll be slow.
third month is up to you what you want to add. you could either start tightening up your diet, upping the difficulty with cardio, or start lifting weights. just pick one though, don't add another one until the next month or until you feel ready, whichever comes first.
that's what i did last time i gained a bunch of weight from work!
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im in a very ldr (we've met irl if that matters) and i am constantly insecure about my SO finding someone else and anytime theyre gone it's just something that goes through my head. to the point where ive mentally prepared myself for the day to come.
is there anyway to help me not feel this way? it doesn't really help that we have clashing schdueles but I sleep during the day so i can spend time with them at night… it's just sometimes hard due to having irl friends.
asking for reassurance sounds pathetic although i've hinted it already… my SO has said that they are very committed to me, and that they'll never find someone like me but i have a hard time believing it.
the idea of losing him to someone else and it being out of my control makes me really depressed and insecure. its giving me ana tendecies. it's an old coping mechanism and i know it's not healthy to do so i'm just looking for advice on how to make me feel not shitty.
pic not related i just think its cute.
"I have told him that I don't want to see him at all when he is wasted but he does it anyways."
The issue you're having is possibly not enforcing your boundaries. Before you nuke the relationship, try doing what You want. This means that you meet up with him, say you don't want to see him drunk, and if he starts drinking you actually leave the premises - ensure you have a way to leave beforehand, that is not dependent on other people.
Wait a day, or however much you feel like putting up with, accept to meet him, and repeat. Explicitly say what you want, and if he doesn't do it, leave. Don't give in to staying just to see if he'll be ok and whatnot. Don't allow emotional blackmail to guilt you into doing things you don't want.
He will either learn to stay sober for longer, to stop drinking in your presence altogether, or ignore you, and in this case do dump him.
honestly, anon, a back pic is the worst thing. even skinny people dont look good with back facing pics when theyre slumped over, etc. i doubt you look so bad.
just focus on yourself. don't worry about your boyfriend. i get that you're scared of losing him and he's your best friend, but he doesn't sound that fabulous, tbh. grieving is hard. you're allowed to grieve in whatever way helps you. just, if you know that something needs to be done about your weight, slowly work on it and remember that you're making progress and that you will get there soon.
the good thing is that you haven't harmed yourself and you are still here. those are accomplishments in and of themselves, and you should be proud of yourself. so what about the weight? it's not a big deal. you'll get it sorted soon enough, and whether or not it brings life back into your relationship, eh, you deserve better already from what you've said about him in this post.
Same anon here.
I bought some relationship counseling books we both agreed to work on. He’s acknowledged he has some issues to work through and part of the reason we’re failing as a couple is because of himself changing as a person. His job is emotionally taxing (a specialized medical field) and he is in charge of a lot of people. While it’s not an excuse for how he can become neglectful, I’m sure I’m not the only one dealing with depression or stress.
I’m just trying to understand him because I know the amazing person he used to be and I see glimpses of it every so often when he’s not tired from work. There’s a reason I fell for him in the first place.
Likewise, I feel that it’s similar experience in his eyes watching me deal with depression and grieving and getting small moments where I’m who I was before shit hit the fan.>>93855
I’ll have to try that! I can go strong for a week, but committing to anything past that ends up failing and I revert to my old habits, so I’ll have to figure out a way to approach it differently. Especially now that the weather is getting milder, I have less of an excuse to be sitting on the couch. >>93918>>93935
I can see both sides, I guess? It’s basically like…>Working through past issues>Doing okay>Neglect weight because working full time and committed, happy relationship>Lower confidence and self worth due to neglect>Stress from school and work and personal lives get to us both>Shit hits fan and began emotionally eating to cope>Depressed because loves one’s death>Weight gain furthering depression and lowers self worth>Boyfriend unable to handle me during this time furthers lower self worth>Keep indulging because it gives me momentary comfort>Rinse and repeat
While my weight DOES get to me, it’s my mental health issues that caused me to lose who I was in the first place—weight gain only just makes it harder to bounce back because I can’t accept myself for who I am inside or outside.>>93958
Thank you, anon. I see you.
Honestly, I really just need to get a grip and handle it now that I’ve seen the person I let myself become.
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Recently broke up with bf of 7 months four weeks before uni…while at times he is quite the little bitch, I broke up not for any major action of his own, but just because I felt like I needed time to myself to focus on work, personal development, etc. Even before breaking up, each time I tried to distance myself from him or tell him I was on my last nerve, I just caught more feelings for the bastard and was reminded how well he suited me. Same interests, mannerisms, sense of music and humor, etc. I did this 4 weeks ahead of returning to school to give him some time to reacclimatize and take the news in before he has to get back to school as well… but this development didn't really happen on his part, as he is still majorly miserable over our split, and a real fucking mess. For the first few days since the return to the school year, he would bombard me with texts throughout his breakdowns. Finally, he accepted that I wasn't seeking a relationship anymore, and told me he was at peace with my choice. we were parts of the same friend group, so when we all hung out together once again, things seemed pretty fine……….and I, unfortunately, started seeing him as a close friend again and treating him kind of similar to how it was when we were together. This, in turn, made both of us miserable, as it made us both remember how nice it feels to be together. Whoops! We both decided to have a talk after this, and I kept on refusing to take him back, and he kept breaking down and pleading otherwise. The unfortunate feelings I still have lead me to comfort him. We both entertained the idea of a more rigid relationship, like an emotional support system or something, which didn't seem all that bad, but then I realized how unfair that would be towards him since he would naturally be more invested then myself, so I decided to just opt for a clean split. He was devastated, and kept talking about how the relationship had caused both of us to grow a bunch as people, and how being with me lead him to be more considerate a person, and kind to others. which was definitely true. Anyways, at the end of the night, he accepted this and went on his way. At the time he seemed like he'd finally resolved his feelings. this wasn't the case for either of us. I remembered the feelings I had shoved aside, and he just became even more miserable, evident through social media spiral. Mutual friends commented that i "broke" him, which I just awkwardly…or evil-y? laughed at.
At the end of the day, he's a little bitch, and I can do much better, but unfortunately, the emotional connection between the two of was too good that it's leading me to second guess the split.
While at points throughout the relationship he was a total child, naggy, needy, and everything in between (! especially in the way he has been reacting to the breakup !), he has always been thoughtful and sweet to me, and I definitely miss that. As I broke up with him without it being a result of any major deal breaking incidents (despite a few irritating things that I have let slide in the past..) I still feel awful to see him hurt like this. Additionally, I am also very aware of a gross part of me that wants to nurture him into growth because I adoooore the concept of fixing boys it's my worst and favorite thing, despite being fully aware of how awful of a concept it may be. I still don't want a relationship…
How the fuck do I resolve this?
This sounds kind of similar to my last relationship, except with the roles reserved, and I think it'd be better to step away from it. I would recommend setting up NC (as in you create the boundaries) and be firm with your explanation. Later, if you feel that he has changed AND you still miss him, then revisit the potential in the relationship, but not now.
We decided to break up due to a very similar reason to yours and everything was fine until he texted me a month later asking to be friends…. then literally a day later saying he wasn't ready to be friends (this was after I asked him to chat about why he wanted to be friends, etc). That put me back to square one, just because he couldn't think thoroughly about why that would be a bad idea, for both me and him.
Am I a hypocrite for seeing me and my boyfriend's relationships with our best friends as different?
I'd like to reiterate that he feels much more threatened by my best friend than I do his. I did find it a bit questionable at first but mostly I'm okay with her now, whereas he still gets very jealous of mine at times and I've had to set some boundaries with her since our relationship started.
So anyway, here's the rundown. Both of us are bisexual. My best friend is female, as is his. Both of us have slept with our respective best friends before we started dating. I slept with mine in a group with her girlfriend at the time, and a girl I had a crush on. I was very open about this with my boyfriend (and the fact that I mostly agreed because of my attraction to this one girl of the three). This was 9 months ago, 6 months before me and my boyfriend started seeing each other. Similarly, he also slept with his best friend 7 months ago, 4 months before we started seeing each other. I see my best friend regularly, and of all the times I've seen her, we have only done anything remotely sexual once (though we both used to be more cuddly and give each other cheek kisses a lot, whereas now we don't. Her girlfriend was always completely fine with our friendship.) On the other hand, he rarely sees his because they live so far apart (he actually has much closer friends I'd probably class as his 'best' but he says she is, so). One of those few times, which was the last time they had properly hung out before we met, they had sex.
They were meant to hang out when we had just started exclusively seeing each other, and I made a slight comment that the last time they met up, they had sex, but in no way did I try to persuade him not to see her. He decided to cancel himself, which I felt really guilty for and tried to convince him to go, and he said he couldn't really afford to anyway so it was fine. But he now holds it over me quite a bit especially regarding my own best friend. I've tried to be as understanding and supportive as I can because I know he's been cheated on a lot, but I really hate how much he compares it sometimes, and I feel like it is a bit hypocritical and sexist (and 'heteronormative', probably). But I kinda think it's reasonable to be a bit hypocritical?
Tl;dr my bf sometimes tries to make me feel guilty when I see my best friend because he once cancelled on his own despite me asking him not to and thinks I'm a hypocrite for thinking of our situations differently
People like him, guys and girls included, stay the way they are because of others who enable it. It's perfectly natural that one can outgrow a partner and relationship, especially after this childish behavior. You have every right to feel almost hatred. Carrying all the weight is going to kill intimacy because you are not on equal footing. Kick him out and don't make it your problem where he ends up. It is the only thing that will force him to learn to adult, and even if he never learns, that is still not your problem. You tried to teach him, which is obviously above and beyond what you should have to do. The problem is just that you and he are a bad match in lifestyle. You are responsible, he is not. As long as you let him mooch he will do so. You owe him nothing despite your history I promise you that. What may feel like a lack of empathy on your part, is really actually "self care". He isn't your child, and he has to go. Change the locks, whether he is in the home or not. Especially if he never leaves. Unplug and pack up his videogame things, if he won't do it in a timely fashion. He probably only cares about his vidya, and if you toss that out of the door, he will follow it. Give him a deadline to pack, do it for him if you absolutely must, or call a police escort to speed things along. You will be surprised at how easy it is to draw upon your very justified frustration to get the spine you need to do it. There is no need to be a bitch unless you want to be, this is simply what's fair. Any reasonable person would do the same and you are a reasonable person! Good luck to you.
I mean, it seems they were more fuck buddies than best friends. He shouldn't be holding it over you tbqh. I mean it definitely seems your best friend relationship is a lot less sexual/just friendship than his with his best friend and he may projecting his shit unto you. Idk man, I'm a major prude so I'm still with the same person I've ever been with so i havent been in a situation like this but I would recc is to just talk to him, tell him to put his big girl pants and understand you wont cheat on him.
Tbf tho ngl, I feel like if he saw his "best friend" again he'd probably end up sleeping with her.
You don't owe him anything. Bear in mind he probably does that to select cute girls at every show.
Just a thought: if they hire crew just for venue he may not be attached to the band and therefore he lives in whatever county you visited after all, so if you're curious it's worth finding out "do you live in x place?"
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Good on you girl, you deserve better than his stupid ass.
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Congratulations, you deserve so much better! I'm very proud of you for putting your foot down and going NC. Maybe keep a piece of paper where you write down all the bad shit, so if you start wondering why you broke up or something, you can read exactly why.
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How can you cold approach a stranger at university/college?
I recently started uni and I saw a cute guy in both the orientation and in various spots around campus. I would love to approach and get to know him, but we have completely different majors (he's taking music and I business) with no overlapping classes. However, due to my being a creep, I know where he will be on at least two days during the week and there is a certain point where we are both out of class.
I'm considering stopping him in the hallway and handing him a note, perhaps requesting he meet me somewhere to talk. Would that be a good idea? Are there better ways? How can I avoid scaring the shit out of him and coming off as the slimy weirdo I am?
Anon, this isn't high school or an anime…do not give him a note calling him to meet you somewhere to talk.
I'm guessing the direct approach might be a bit hard for you. If you're just way too shy to approach him download something like Tinder or Bumble and see if you can find him on there. Then you can send him a message there and also scope out his profile. That way you can get a better grasp of his personality. He might be cute, but end up being a jackass.
Do you have friends in common? Someone who you can talk about with him to try and break the ice?
Maybe ask him something about his grade, even if you're not interested, something about exams or doing projects?
The direct approach isn't actually too bad for me, I've done it before (and failed, evidently). I would be uncomfortable with a dating app, though, since I've never dealt with it and I look awful in photos.
What would you recommend to say in a cold approach in this situation? The last time I tried it was on easy mode since he was a cashier and I was a regular customer. It was just a case of saying my bit and then receiving a yes or no answer. This time, I don't even know what to ask.
I'm also worried I'll be stalling him before his classes, which was the reason for the note idea. I know he's free at one certain time, but have no idea where he will choose to be at that time. And the other time that I'll know where he'll be is right before he has a class (which ends when one of mine begins, oof). Should I just ask to meet verbally instead of giving a note? Would that be more mature?>>94461
I have two whole friends at school but neither of them are music students or first years, so I have doubts that they know him. I'm not even close enough to these "friends" to have their numbers…which is my fault for being so asocial, but that's another issue. He seems to have friends already, but I don't think I have the smooth social skills necessary to weasel my way in to their group. I can't even befriend people in my own major.
Like I mentioned, sadly, there is nothing we have together and no chance for natural interaction. I either have to force it or there's nothing.
Thanks anon, that actually sounds like a good opener. I'll probably try it out when I can for sure catch him out side of class.>>94487
We actually did smile at each other on the day of the orientation. I'm not sure if he'd remember me, although I do dress a bit oddly so perhaps that would work in my favour. If I see him in passing before next week I'll try to lock eyes again.
Thank you both!
My boyfriend and I have been together four years, live together, and we are planning to get married and have kids. But I can't stand the situation with his parents.
He's their only child and they are dependent on him for everything. He has to drive them around, help them with their bills, help them use their iPhones, all that. And of course they're in poor health due to being overweight and constantly gaining. But he actually doesn't resent them for this, he loves being a "hero" for them.
I shudder to think what will happen when they get really old and start to decline. My bf would never put them in a nursing home so he'll probably want them to live with us, either that or he'll end up funneling all of our money to help them. Both scenarios would be a dealbreaker for me. The thing is, he hasn't thought about any of this yet. I don't think he realizes that they're in pretty bad shape and that he's allowed them to become complacent.
I know we need to have a serious conversation about this, but I'm scared I'll come off as a heartless bitch. Whenever I say anything about the situation, it inevitably devolves into him saying some variation of "don't talk about my mama!!1!1". How do I approach the subject without offending or hurting him?
That's a long time and it's really great you guys live together. It helps build the foundation before marrying, and prevents future surprises or arguments. I've been in a similar situation. It was worse though because my boyfriend has a few siblings, yet it seemed like his parents always relied on him. It really bothered me since we have our own things to take care of, and it often delayed or shortened our time together running errands for his parents or doing favors. It really irked me because it seemed like they don't do anything for him other than "Oh woe is me, I gave birth 2 u, u r my son so u must do as i say" type of vibe.
I know since he's their only child it makes things more tricky. Do you know if his parents have decent health insurance or life insurance? A pension or social security they can live off of? If he spends money on them, it may not necessarily go to waste if he inherits anything. Not to say this is all about money, but it may ease your mind about financial stress if the time comes where he needs to spend money to keep them in health. If they have a sustainable pension and social security, they may be fine. I'm not sure if health insurance can cover in-home nurses. It would really be best to just talk to him. Maybe just tell him in a soft tone that you worry about the future together for the sake of your children. You want to start a family together and make sure your children come first. While its true, it also doesnt give him the impression you're trying to be selfish and take him away from his parents. You can try to ask somehow about his parents financial situation to see how much he really needs to contribute for their future retirement in old age. This is stuff I'm able to talk about with my bf and still come to terms with a solution. If he can't be open to that, he's not ready for a family of his own nor marriage.
I hear you nonny and you may be onto something as 3 out of 4 of his grandparents are dead. But I still need to address it, they could hang on until they're 90, you never know. >>94556
That's exactly the vibe I get from his parents and I relate a lot to everything you just said. Truth be told, his parents have held him back in so many ways, they even tried talking him out of going back to school because then he'd have to spend less time with them. As for inheritances and pensions…I should have mentioned that they are poor and simple, and they haven't prepared for their future at all. The whole thing is burdening me in so many ways. My bf is robust but I wonder if their shit genetics are going to hurt my future children. They also seem to hate me because I'm taking their precious baby boy away from them. His mom openly disparages me for making him "too skinny" (I helped him get from dad bod to semi-fit, but okay) and stuff like that. Sorry for the ramble. I'm just extremely depressed about the fact that I could potentially lose an amazing relationship over a pair of obese freeloaders. He's intensely loyal to his family and I could see him ultimately picking them over me.
I'll try your approach and make it all about our potential kids and I'll try to be gentle. thank you.
I'm so sorry, anon. Try to focus on yourself rn, of course you'd be opposed to it after all the hotel thing, what did he expect? It seems as if he's trying to make you the guilty one and he shouldn't have lied in the first place.
Tbh I wouldn't forgive him after the escort thing, he should be grateful afterall and not justifying his lies because of you.
You deserve better!
don't be angry at yourself! he's clearly the shitbag for treating you like that. no duh you'd be opposed when he lied to you.
you deserve better than that, and you'll find someone who won't be such a scumbag to you, i promise!
…He fucked that escort. He's meeting up with multiple women behind your back. It wasn't a one time thing.
C'moon, let's be real - he's doing it to smash.
dunno if you're still sitting in that starbucks right now anon, but if you are, and your date hasn't given you a justifiable reason as to why they're an hour late, i would leave. i see it as a sign of disrespect when someone doesn't honor your time the way you honor theirs.
have you texted/called them at all?
Not in a dick way, but you should have thought about a potential break up when adopting the dogs. The only options really are you get the dogs, he gets the dogs, or the dogs get split up and you go your separate ways. Also, why would you want to be friends with someone who is as emotionally volatile as that? If his short temper frightens both you and the dogs, why put yourself through that mental exhaustion of being around someone who can't control their short fuse?
I dunno. If things aren't working out, I'd say just split up and go your separate ways. It sounds like you deserve better if he frightens you, that's completely ignoring the fact you don't enjoy sex together. On that point alone, I would be out of that door.
I was contacted by my high school boyfriend a couple days ago.
He and I met when we were 15, had an intense relationship that lasted almost five years. The two of us were mentally unstable teenagers/young adults that loved one another almost crazily but also lashed out on each other constantly. We broke up on bad terms (there were a lot of misunderstandings, rumours, and his insane jealousy led him to believe I cheated on him –I would never in my life do something like that). After breaking up we spent the next three and a half years trying to maintain a toxic friendship for the sake of our social circle.
Until I decided it was enough and cut him and all our mutual friends out of my life.
Since then I've had other relationships, and so has he. We've both been to therapy and he seems to be real successful at life right now. I'm doing waaaaaay better emotionally but I'm still trying to build a future for myself.
A couple weeks ago we both turned 28 (our birthdays are real close), and for some reason that made him contact me again. We've been texting daily, for hours at a time, talking of mundane stuff and the serious stuff we're currently going through. And it's been incredibly nice so far, he's being the friend I really need right now, his attitude is sweet and understanding and compassionate.
We're both single, so I think I know where this is going. However, I'm not sure if continuing this is worth it. All this niceness could be a temporary thing, I'm afraid we might fall into the same irrational behaviour from before, and neither of us has even tried to talk about the past. Should I just cut contact with him? Or should I see where all of this goes?
I'm not going to lie, I love him. He's the only man I have ever loved, and what I felt for him I have never felt for anyone. But I'm not willing to sacrifice my mental health anymore, I want to get better, I want to build a healthy life for myself. But I miss him so much.
Tbh, if you really fear you might sacrifice your mental health by getting into a relationship with him - then don't. You won't "see where this goes", you don't seem relaxed about it in the slightest and that's when a relationship could go good or bad - but then it'd be him who'd have all the power.
Also, don't hype yourself up about him - I mean, you might feel like you love him, but realistically, you don't even know him that well anymore. You have only spoken to each other for a couple of years after a 10 year break.
Not saying he might not be a far better person today. Not saying there is not a chance things will work out this time. And after all, getting into a relationship always means there's a chance you might get hurt.
But since you already know you're vulnerable, you need to take this slow and be very critical and mature. Do talk about the past. Also, ask him what made him contact you after 10 years. It's completely fine to move on, but don't act like nothing happened.
Even if other girls have different features he's into, he still chose you to be his girlfriend.. Like I have a B cup, but I know he likes them big, so if he wants to look at another girl's tits, it's whatever, I'm confident enough in the fact that he enjoys mine more. Does that make sense?
Mine is way cuter than me too. Sometimes I get jealous of him lol.
Basically just stop comparing yourself to other people.
i'd confront her about it. while that's creepy, it's really strange as well. 5 months isn't that long, sure, but it's certainly long enough to be worried about this.
i'd just be curious why she's doing it tbh. and not really covering her tracks either seems bizarre.
I think I'm getting a crush on a coworker, and I think he might have one on me back? We both have similar personalities (he's a bit more extroverted than me) and when we go out as a group with other coworkers and they bring their SO's, we usually end up hanging out more so with each other because I'm single and he's… in a LDR.
And that's what makes it weird. But he's the one the initiate any sort of physical contact. For example: we went to a carnival as a group, and there came a point in the night where we put his arm around my shoulder and I played it off as a joke and tried putting my arm around his shoulder, but I'm, like, almost a foot shorter than him. He laughed and was like "This is weird lol"…so I moved my arm down and kind of held him around his waist instead? And he didn't object and continued to hold on to me. But at the same time, I didn't mind that he felt comfortable enough to do that in front of other people?
At another party thing we went to, we had had a couple to drink and some how got into a discussion about whether or not he could carry me? He doesn't look super strong, but I'm also borderline ana-chan. Turns out he can, and when I told him about this a few days later, he had absolutely no recollection of because he drank way too much that night, but was like "oh my god. I did that in front of other people?" I told him yeah. He then asked if he was successful, to which I also responded with 'yeah', and he felt better about it lol.
Like, I know it's weird territory. Not only is he a coworker(different department, at least?), but also in a relationship. And it's a decently long distance.. not just a couple hours, but we're in the southern US and his GF is in Canada. God. it just feels so weird and I know it's more than likely wrong. Maybe we'll just be good friends and be each other's +1s when we go out as a group so no one feels like a third wheel.
That's rough anon. It sounds like it could just be a goofy friendship (I have a similar sort with my straight male friends, and it's confirmed platonic) from his end. Does he talk about his gf often?
If he does try it on with you I'd recommend not getting with him. If he isn't loyal to his current gf he won't be loyal to you. But if he breaks up with her at some point and things progress organically, go for it I guess.
He doesn't really mention her, no. I think it's probably be like you said–a goofy, platonic friendship.
… it's probably a little tmi, but I just started my period so I might be trying to make something out of nothing purely because of hormones.
I think you're already taking a good step by seeing how badly he was treating you, and getting out of that situation. A person can like and appreciate a fictional character, but as you know if that goes over their love for their own real partner something is up. I also feel that if he was flirting with other people and not valuing you as a person then that spells out a bad time for the future. Can't trust him alone with people, giving you no peace of mind, and no respect towards you.
It really is hard to get through when you have or had feelings for them, but from what you've said you would've had to basically be his mom/caretaker. Some couples are cool with that sort of relationship- but on a higher level of mutual respect. I'm probably dragging this out (Sorry) but what I'm trying to say is please know you deserve respect from a partner. To not have to worry anymore about how they've been interacting with people, to not have to go through those mind games, and be disappointed when he goes back to treating you poorly.
You will be able to find someone who makes you happy, and sees you as their world/ vis versa. Take some time and do fun/safe things you enjoy, as cliche as I might sound. Make sure p1 is taken care of and happy.
You can find decent guys at bars, generally those who are out with friends or coworkers for a drink or two after work or for an event.
Smaller bars are better, but it's bullshit that you can't find decent folks in bars. Watch their drinking habits, chat them up, if they don't try to get into your pants immediately it's a good sign.
I had to experience the same thing years ago when I was starting my relationship (I've been with my SO for more than four years now) so I know how much it sucks and how hard it can be sometimes.
My advice is that you try to be as rational as you can. She's with you now and not with the other person because of reasons, what happened it's in the past and it'd be a pity if this thing ruined your present and your future.
Try to think that even if it meant something, it's not important now, not that important, it doesn't mean that it has to happen ever again.
I understand your insecurities and how vulnerable you can feel because of not knowing what's happening but give your SO your trust, think that she doesn't havy any reasons now to cheat on you or something, specially if it happened a year ago.
I almost ruined my relationship because I couldn't overcome my fears, even when my boyfriend was being completely honest and faithful and that's not fair. It's not fair to ask them to stop hanging out if it's people that belong to their friend's group just because our minds put us in the worse possible situations. Try to value the fact that she's with you now, that she loves you and cares about you and try to think about the importance of her feelings about yourself, instead of your insecurities and flaws that could lead her to other person. Today it's just one of her friends but tomorrow it could be a coworker or even some stranger on the street.
Be strong anon. <3
>>98336>what are we? "almost dating">are you stringing me along? "noooo, i'm not"
Go with it, anon. If he was stringing you along he would be more vague and say shit like
>"well, what do you want us to be?/what are you looking for?"
and>"do you think I am? What would it take for me to make you not feel that way, like what would I have to do?"
He's giving good answers, give it a try. Guys who basically "idk, what do you
want/think?" are the ones who are trying to pump and dump, they don't want to "agree" to anything so in case you say "I thought we were dating", they can deny they ever said it and still tell the truth (and they got the sex anyway, so win for them).
I’d say just keep to yourself and pick up a hobby that you can do alone. Something fulfilling!
It’s the most cliche thing to say, but I can’t stress it enough. Read a book on strengthening yourself and self-improvement or self-healing and learn about toxic behaviors and how to handle them as they happen. It makes a world of a difference. Learn to love the time you have by yourself before giving it to somebody else. It creates a solid foundation for a healthy relationship or even a friendship to grow.
Got out of a 6 year long emotionally and physically abusive relationship and hopped right into another long term relationship with my best friend. Didn’t know how to handle him or myself and honestly wasn’t ready because I was holding onto so much emotional trauma/baggage from what happened to me. Like, he’s the best, but even well-meaning people in both platonic and romantic relationships can have harmful habits and behaviors.
How do I convince my boyfriend to go to therapy? We've been friends for almost a decade and he's only now starting to open up about how messed up and traumatizing his childhood was. I'm recovering from BPD, so I've been in therapy most of my life. He's got most of the symptoms of BPD as well (sorry for armchair), but has never gotten help. His lack of coping mechanisms has been seriously affecting our relationship, and it feels patronizing to try and teach them to him.
Gave him an ultimatum and said he needs to go to therapy, and he said he wants to, but he's scared. I don't even understand how that could be scary.
I don't know the line between being supportive and overbearing; changing him or accepting him how he is. I hate making him feel called-out, but sometimes I can't help but go off when he does stuff that doesn't make sense. His repression is bubbling over so much that we have a hard time even talking about serious subjects.
Really wanna marry him. We're perfect together. Been thru a lot. But I'm over trying to save people, and it's soo frustrating, just want him to get better and talk to me about shit like a normal person. My friends are all like, "hey, these are red flags, jfc you're dumb" but I'm not gonna give up on someone for having mental problems. He has to be willing to work on himself, and he wants to get better, but I have no idea where to start with helping him get started on this path of not being a shitty human being.
The first step is always the most difficult for people who has never received help. It is scary; when you've dealt with your problems for a long time alone, never really shared them with anyone, and suddenly have to open up… It's like opening up the Pandora's box. I can relate to this, and if he's a bit like me, he's not doing this just to spite you or because he's lazy or doesn't want to change. He may be just scared and stuck.
You can nag him which can create unnecessary tension and conflicts since he'll feel cornered and not ready. OR you can just book him an appointment.
Seriously. He might get angry or sulk or whatever, but deep down he may feel relieved. Big chance is, he'll go and get help he needs.
Thanks for the reply I usually get one of two answers when I ask about this.>you're being cucked get out now>you're being ridiculously insecure and it's going to ruin the relationship (I feel this is the realm of possibility and that's why I'm trying to fix this)
I really didn't think this situation would bother me as much as it has. She has an ex and I don't give a shit because they don't hang out all the time. I admit I'm insecure, but I don't think I'm as bad as I could be in that realm. I know someone who got angry at his girlfriend for talking to a male classmate in the grocery store, so I like to keep that comparison in mind.
We've talked about it a few times and it always ends badly, especially because the reason she didn't date her friend was because he didn't like her as much as she did him and he just wanted a hookup, so I get worried there's still leftover feelings there. She says how he treated her afterwards turned her completely off to him though. We have very open communication which is something I'm really happy about (especially after my prior relationship which had almost none), but when it comes to discussing this topic it always turns sour because I don't know how to voice my concerns without it sounding like I'm shaming her for her past actions. We're both pretty "inexperienced" and I've never been in the situation she is in (hanging out with someone who you've hooked up with in the past) and I find it hard to imagine never ever having leftover feelings about that, especially when hanging out multiple times a week. I told her I get anxious(because it's true) and sometimes when things get heated she asks me if I want her to cut off all of her friends because that's unhealthy as hell, and also not something I want her to do.
The past month or so I tried and mostly succeeded in taking on a mindset that she likes me much more because she chose to be with me and not him. I convinced myself to be proud of this fact. This helped a lot, but after our last conversation she said they probably would have dated but it would have turned out horribly which poked a bit of a hole in that mindset I had developed to cope with this.
Then there's this whole cycle that I feel like I'm being shitty to her and driving her away by getting hung up on this, but I also want to be open with how I feel. She has recently started to get a bit jealous too which, as bad as it sounds, makes me feel a bit better that I'm not the only one. Especially because I think she's being ridiculous too which I'm sure is how I look too. Aside from this one bump we really have no other issues and get along great
We're both graduating in the Spring so I think we can just weather this until we graduate and move somewhere else, but I would like to find a way to cope with this better.
Were there any specific mindsets you chose to adopt that helped you out a lot? I know the past is the past which is why I'm not insecure about her ex at all, but I feel like the past is bleeding into the present because they hang out a lot (albeit in groups at least).
Thanks for taking the time to give a well thought of response!
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>having an eating disorder and being in a relationship at the same time
i know this is silly, suppose i'm just venting. my boyfriend wants me to be more intimate with him, i want to be intimate as well, but i really don't feel comfortable doing it until i lose weight. he keeps asking me about it, and i would like to as well, but i'm not comfortable with it. basically this situation has been pushing me into eating even less, and my appetite is slowly leaving. by not eating it's making my depression worse and distracting me from my job, but i feel like i need to do this. i feel like a shitty girlfriend.
>>98912>i'm not comfortable with it
Jee, it's not like she hasn't stated this. >>98864
Anon, does your boyfriend know about your eating disorder, and have you told him that you're just at the moment not comfortable with it? If he truly cares and understands, he wouldn't keep asking to do it if he knew you were uncomfortable. You don't have to do anything if you're not ready yet; don't let him sway you any way.
Also, another question: do you really feel like you NEED to lose weight or is it your ED talking? Not saying that your discomfort is invalid if either of those are true. If it's the latter, I would try to quell those feelings by "rationally" thinking about why you feel that. Have you been seeking therapy?
this isn't a relationship thing per se, but i'm a fuckin autist so i need help figuring things out
so i'm in a vvv happy relationship with my bf, i truly mean it when i say things are idyllic. one of our friends came up to me tonight, (we were having a party) and whispered "you look like a snack" which normally i would have zero issue with, it's just something that i call me friends sometimes. but after that, which i just kinda brushed off at the time, but eventually we ended up talking about fucking, and i said that my bf is bi and maybe interested, and i sort of assumed this would turn the guy off, but he still seemed interested and i guess my thing is now: i'm not sure how to organize a threesome between my bf who i am crazy in love w/ and a guy who we both like but i'm the only one who has expressed attraction to the guy. idk, i guess this is a pretty stupid problem, but i've never had a boy try to pursue me sexually while in a relationship and then that boy is also sexually attracted to my boyfriend. i dunno, i just feel pretty weird because i like this guy, i would totally love to fuck him, but it still feels weird
Is a threesome something that your bf is interested in too/have you had them before? Just find a good time to talk to your bf outside a sexual context about it. If you're both not the jealous type I don't see why not, but also, just beware that having a threesome with a friend can have some sticky consequences.
If you feel there's any chance of jealousy or anything like that happening, it might not be worth the risk. It sounds like you guys are really happy together.
i've told him a few times, about my ed and about how i'm not very comfortable with myself. i don't need to lose weight for health reasons or anything, i'm not medically overweight either. he's expressed however, that he likes thinner frames and smaller chests, which makes me even more apprehensive, i don't align with those ideals. after the conversation we had about it yesterday, i feel a little bit more tension and i've had a lot of anxiety about him leaving me for someone that can provide for him in that way, which i normally never have. prior to the whole situation, i was trying to just be healthy in general, but because of how rushed i feel from him mentioning it a lot, i've gone back to my old ways. i want to try to be healthier about this, i guess there's just a constant reminder there
How did the conversation go? It's understandable if people have different tastes, but if you feel like his opinion will stop you from progressing healthily, I would recommend you think hard about the relationship. Like I mentioned above, if he's an understanding person, he would understand your apprehension and take it slow. However, if he has been pushing intimacy too much and it's affecting your mental state, I don't think it'd be good in the long run.
How long have you two been together?
I am freelance and met a guy on a job recently. We were flirty for the few weeks we worked together, and went drinking with one other coworker on the last day of the job. I hinted my way back to his house but we ended up just spooning, despite me being drunk and coming on very strong. I took it that he wasn't interested but then he messaged me asking me on a date.
We went to a few museums in the afternoon, and he was super lethargic and unenthusiastic so I assumed he wasn't having a good time, then we went for a drink and after literally two sips of beer his personality came back so I invited him to come along to what I was doing that evening and he ended up coming back to mine. We fooled around a bit and chatted and cuddled, it was nice, he said he liked me and he'd been planning on asking me out and lots of other nice things, blah blah blah. I asked him why nothing happened the previous time at his house and he said something vague about how he freaked out and he doesn't want us to get 'trapped'.
Then in the morning he was completely lethargic and exhausted and difficult to talk to again, we watched a documentary and I had my head leaned on his chest but he didn't reciprocate any affection, but stuck around at my house til like 3pm.
Again, I thought he'd changed his mind but when he left he said we should go on another date and that he had fun, and kissed me. He also apologised for his lack of energy,etc, and messaged me later that evening making conversation.
He's generally a very sickly guy, and I'd seen him kinda strung out like this at work before so maybe this is just how he is? But it's very weird.
Is this guy just a freak? Is he interested but scared of commitment? I am very confused. I think I'm just going to go out with him again and see how it goes but I feel like something weird is going on here.
Yeah, sounds like an alcoholic or a junkie to me too.
It maybe would be worth to just plainly ask him. Maybe it's just some kind of illness.
Thanks anons! IRL people who have met him have been more positive about the situation but it's very possible that they've just been holding their tongues. >>99069>>99111
I don't think so! I get how it would sound like this, but we've been in a few drinking situations together and he's never seemed overly keen or whatever. I know he just gets ill a lot, has a lot of allergies etc so I think it's most likely that but it's still weird.
Maybe he's just really insecure and doesn't want to push too hard? I get like that sometimes, even with my boyfriend of 3 years. Especially when I have lots of stress with work or other stuff, I become very distant without even noticing and at the same time I'm afraid to be too clingy and intense in terms of affection. But then he'll talk to me and say that he feels like I don't even like him because he doesn't feel like it.
Maybe he has to be 100% sure you two are on the same page before he can show affection and really open up.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel and that because of this you aren't sure if you really do want to further get into this with him. You have nothing to lose.
How do you know you’re falling out of love and/or not sexually attracted to your partner anymore?
We’ve been together for 3 years. I love him with all my heart and I would do anything to protect him and all I want for him is to be happy. I have a great relationship with his family too. My sister also likes him, generally every family/friend I introduced him with has had positive reactions towards him, going as far as saying we should get married.
He has been with me, supporting me through very hard times. He mostly does his best to support me emotionally. I laugh the hardest when I’m with him. I have a lot of baggage and he has accepted me fully, and helps me deal with everything as much as he can. I could say that in some sense, he even healed me after my abusive ex. I’m never uncomfortable around him.
However, I do not feel sexual attraction towards him anymore. It’s not that I hate having sex with him, I just never really wish to. I wouldn’t miss it if it was completely gone. He’s not really good at sex. I’m a mild sub type, and he just likes basic vanilla sex. And sometimes is pretty lazy with giving me satisfaction.
On top of that, we are currently long distance. And we will stay that way for a year because of reasons. Visiting might happen once, but it’s not a given. This year is something I’ve worked to achieve and is supposed to be good for me, but right now I am so unhappy with these thoughts in my head.
I feel like I’m falling out of love, and I feel like such a fucking bitch. I feel awful. He doesn’t excite me anymore, the prospect of being with him forever both feels exactly right and makes me feel trapped. Like, he would be the ideal man for most people, and for me, but I’ve started to fear commitment as it slowly became a reality. Not even fear, I don’t want it. I think.
He is heavily depressed. He really has a hard time navigating daily life, and it’s been like this for a while. I’ve done my best, you have no idea in how many ways I’ve tried to help as I’ve struggled with Major Depression and later Bipolar II for a while. I’ve stabilized, but he just doesn’t take his situation seriously and keeps spiraling down. He (while thinking this is a romantic thing to say) keeps saying that I’m his anchor in the world. That he wouldn’t know what to do without me. And I keep getting scared.
We’re both 24. I’m a bisexual who never even got to experience anything with girls. And I feel shitty saying that because it sounds selfish.
First, I lost my libido, then we started addressing that and it got worse, then I opened up to him about not being satisfied emotionally too, we discovered he was having serious problems with anxiety and depression, he promised to take care of himself and provide me with better emotional support, then I moved away. A month passes, I feel like he is still too preoccupied with his thoughts to be interested in my life, and I’ve started to fantasize about having sex with other people (not specific people, people I see on the street, even 2D fucking dudes, just the idea of someone that could give me what I wanted). Of course I’d never ever do it in reality, but even fantasizing it, but desperately as I try to fill a void, has me feeling like an awful fucking bitch.
Even admitting all this to myself and writing it down has shaken me, and I feel disgusting. He deserves so much better. I hate feeling like this. I do love him so much, so much that it breaks my fucking heart. I don’t want to end such a beautiful relationship. We were truly good.
Help me farmers. Have you ever experienced something similar? How should I even go about thinking about this? If I were to open up to him, how would I do it long distance? How would I stand myself after hurting him?
Everyone feels like they're not in love at times or don't feel sexual attraction. If everything is like you say I'd say for the time being it's better for the long term to try and fix these issues and then see how you feel.
First off, considering he's struggling with depression it's not weird at all that you don't fantasize about him because that would feel wrong and emotionally incompatible. It's fine to satisfy yourself from time to time, sometimes sex doesn't work for partners either. As for the sexual stuff with him, first he needs to feel better and have more confidence to approach those issues and then you can try teaching him what you like and experiment to freshen things up. Although him being lazy about sex sounds bad, it's probably because of depression but it needs to be handled.
You've just gone long distance so it's normal to feel that way about separation and be hurt about it. Voice messages are a HUGE help, how often do you guys chat and is he the type to hang out on social media or does he not use technology much? Having heart to heart talks over text is sometimes easier than in person since a lot of shyness can be avoided and things are more easily confessed.
Regarding his issues with depression and having a hard time navigating daily life, I suppose you've already tried setting a daily plan for sleeping/eating/other necessities? If he can't keep up with that, then maybe he isn't confronting his problems and is escaping them this way, professional help might be needed because getting guys to actually communicate can be so hard.
It's hard to successfully weave it into conversation but I guess the main issues that need to be addressed are his feelings about his future, sources of anxiety and somehow subtly handling the message that he doesn't deserve to be locked in those feelings and that he can set tangible goals which will make him feel better.
But yeah, tl;dr nothing wrong with those feelings and you don't need to feel like a bitch, for the time being it's healthier to try fixing things and there's no need to feel guilt over wanting sexual satisfaction but sadly since you're not there for a while you can only approach these problems first and then work on it directly.
Thank you so much for the detailed answer anon. Let me answer your questions.
Regarding mental health, since I have quite a lot of experience as well (dead parents, both physical and emotional abuse and disorders stemming from it) we had many, many detailed talks. Mainly, he is never satisfied with his surroundings (school, internship, his rented room, financial situation, etc.) but mostly he is really anxious (sometimes even paranoid) about eveything. We finally agreed on him making an appointment with a psychiatrist, which he did. But he is slagging off the bloodwork necessary to get medication. He said he’ll get it done this week, we’ll see. I just want him to reach his full potential, he is a creative soul. Sometimes when he gets too bad, he talks about leaving everything and going back to his hometown. I stopped him several times, but he really is barely holding on.
As for communication, thank god we have no problems with that. We text as much we can with a 6 hour time difference, we send voice messages every day, and Skype when we can. Sometimes I just want to tell him about my day, or rather, I want him to be interested in my day, but he’s too closed off and I’m just left trying to bring him back up and therefore losing all my own positive energy. This happened before I moved away, so many times that we had to have a talk. It seems so harsh at first, but I was achieving my dreams he was seeing it as just me moving away. He still sees it like that (which is the problem) but at least he doesn’t get drunk and basically rant at me for leaving him.
Recently I tried to kindly nudge him to try and “sext me” as a “dom”, which he very clearly couldn’t and got offended when I tried to explain to him what he did wrong. Then he apologized and told me he’s gonna look into it. This is a pattern, him being childish and closed-off at first, then apologizing profusely.
But really, thank you. I feel so much better. I guess I’ll try to enjoy my time here, deal with my sexual frustrations myself, and see how his treatment goes and how much he puts in effort. Our relationship really is beautiful, but even though it might be a bit selfish, I need room to grow and live my life, basically.
A lot of what you wrote actually applies to my current situation with my boyfriend (also of 3 years) but we keep switching roles which makes it a bit more confusing. But anyways, this isn't about me.
It seems like the two of you are just going separate ways. You develop much faster and have an actual path to go. Maybe that's exactly what he's lacking at the moment. He needs to stop thinking of you as his anchor and build his whole life and persona around you and become his own person. Because right now it sounds like he just hasn't much going on and therefore you are the centre of his life. Hence the anxiety about you leaving him; if you're gone, what's left in his life?
I don't think just meds will do the trick, tbqfh. He needs actual therapy.
I don't know if that's super insensitive (and I wouldn't know how to put it any other way) but do you actually love him right now or do you just feel like you /should/ love him because for what he's done for you? Do you love what the two of you could be or do you genuinely want to be with him, whatever may come?
I'm getting mixed vibes from your text, but then again that's probably what you're struggling with yourself.
Have you two talked about opening up your relationship? I feel like a huge part of you feeling trapped is due to not having a fulfilling sex life.
I mean, especially when one partner is kinkier than the other or you do long for sexual experiences with other women, opening the relationship might be an easy fix. But you inevitably have to be able to have sex with other people without developing feelings. Otherwise polyamory might be what you're looking for.
Maybe those are far reached but for some people that's exactly what they need to bring their feelings for each other back to life. (Also kinda biased as my bf and I are having a poly relationship.)
>>99259>but do you actually love him right now or do you just feel like you /should/ love him because for what he's done for you? Do you love what the two of you could be or do you genuinely want to be with him, whatever may come?
Harsh it may be, but these are the questions I am currently asking myself. Sometimes I love him so much that it makes me cry, but sometimes I just don’t… feel that way. Indifferent, that’s the word. And I feel awful either way: if I really love him I’m just wasting time with unnecessary obsessive thoughts, but if I don’t then I am lying to him. Especially the latter part fucks me up.
Open/poly relationships are out of the question. I wish they weren’t, but he’s just not that kind of person.
Thank you for answering anon. I hope you figure out your situation as well.
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I feel so behind and super inexperienced and don't know wtf I'm doing dating. I pretty much have no confidence in myself or know what I like. I'm 25 so I feel too old to be this bad at it. It's like everyone figured this out years ago. I guess this is more of a vent than anything but I got on apps for the first time a week ago and I'm actually finding it to be pretty stressful.
Aw anon, I had the same issue. I went through a phase where I could only get off to the idea of pegging because of that (which is still my main fetish but…you know).
I even associated the idea of cunnilingus and fucking facesitting
with being submissive. I just hated my vagina and thought anything involving it was inherently degrading.
I can actually imagine having a partner would be make this more difficult to overcome since it may worry you to think that he secretly believes these things. I sympathize ano, and I hope you can overcome this.
Yeah I don't want to be that person, he's been single for seven years now and his last gf cheated on him, so he says he hasn't found someone yet that he can work out if he genuinely "likes" but he'll still act like a schoolboy with a crush around me and stare and do lots of things for me so it's confusing.>>99720
I'll just keep being myself, thank you. Men are so ambiguous about everything lol
they sometimes also say that they love you but cannot commit to a relationship so they offer you being fwb. than some chick comes suddenly and becomes gf in a day lol
Never trust those ~uwu shy emotionally damaged~ boys/men
How do people even get in relationships?
I feel like it's impossible for me no matter how hard I try. I used to think it was because I was ugly and didn't take care of myself, but this year I've grown out my hair, donned makeup, and started wearing skirts and dresses everyday. I still have yet to be approached and all approaches I've done lead to nothing (and I don't go for standard men, or even men taller than me).
What do I need to improve to get dates? It seems like even women who are a bit "sloppier" than me easily have partners. Not to criticize them too much, good on them, I'm jealous lol.
For flaws I have right now, I wear glasses but am switching slowly to contacts, am a bit chubby (very similar body to Laura Wells, but I'm comfy and don't really want to change it beyond continuing to gain muscle), and have a wide nose.
Would these be enough to stop me from getting ahead?
>inb4 begone femcel
I mean, if I don't ask girls who actually get bfs how to get one, how am I going to learn?
Just break im with him. I don't even know which one of you is worse; him cheating or you just blatantly ignoring his privacy and actually asking on here how to keep on spying on him.
Are you even happy with your relationship?
What if you do catch him?
What if you don't?
Just… break up. Seriously.
I used to be with someone who would look at posts like that, and even make posts himself. For a while if I confronted him, he denied it. He eventually admitted it one day when I read one of his anon posts out loud to him, but he swore it didn't go any further than that. He wasn't meeting up with anyone, or anything like that. I didn't really believe him, but I continued to play the waiting game just to see what happened.
Eventually I found out he had a girlfriend on the side. I dumped his ass immediately. He begged me to stay and even broke it off with the other girl, hoping it would work to keep me. But I knew I could never trust him again after all that, and I don't want to be in a relationship without trust.
Just dump him. Maybe he isn't actually doing anything shady, but you already don't trust him. Break it off and explain exactly why. Then go to therapy and work on your trust issues.
I only go to uni, but none of our classes this year are interactive so I haven't made many friends yet.>>99826>boring
I am a massive square, my main interests are art, animals, vintage fashion, and horror movies. I'm not into anything fun like partying, I'm teetotal, and I never want to set foot in a club. A day out for me is a trip to the mall or a walk to the local art gallery…and at the end I'm exhausted. Not saying this to be uwu different, I know I'm a boring bitch. But there are boring guys, aren't there?
And to both of you, I am socially inept. I've overcome my social anxiety in terms of panic and avoidance, but I still sound weirdly direct and "robotic." How can you brush up on this and schmooze people? On the one hand I like saying what I'm thinking and only when I have a contribution, but on the other hand no one else does lol. I have three friends to practice with and I rarely see any of them in person.
Sorry anon. I didn't mean it as an insult when I called you boring. I'm similarly boring. Like the other anon said, I've had the most luck on dating sites. A lot of people recommend 'spicing up' your profile, but honestly just put exactly what you're thinking on it.
Maybe try working on your body language? It's easier to start doing that than forcing yourself to be a social butterfly. Plenty of people out there who appreciate someone who is direct, or find awkwardness endearing. But no one really appreciates someone who acts closed off around them.
23 actually, and I guess it is.
I just want to know where I stand so I can plan my life a bit easier
Not necessarily, but not impossible. Our parents are a huge pain in the ass with somewhat unreasonable expectations and not having them know is rather freeing. But it does bother me that he goes around claiming his single, he's not unattractive or a dumbass, but he claims that even if he was really single that he wouldn't start dating so soon after.
He gets defensive (I guess) about it and his mood drops almost instantly when we have to talk about the relationship. We talked out other things but "us" in a general sense seems to be a difficult topic for him because it's a lot of serious questions for him and he already has a lot of difficult shit going on as it is, which is also the reason why i waited so long not to ask. Or he might be afraid it'll fail and he doesn't want to go through the whole process of having to tell his parents and relatives all over again. I kind of get that, but still… I'm getting tired of feeling like a chained dog, wondering if their owner is going to return or not. I'll probably jump him with questions tomorrow. There really isn't a worst case scenario anymore.
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Advice/Vent, if you don't mind:
Does anyone else here attract broken men?
I want to believe it's because I have my shit together and I'm not 10/10 hot, so I appear 'attainable' and approachable. Yet I fear it's actually because I might come off as damaged and vulnerable. As in, I get taken advantage of. I tolerate and accept a lot of bullshit because I have low self-esteem and was raised on stupid ideals like being kind and giving multiple chances to men.
After all, men just need nurturing and understanding and they will become better, right? …. Heh.
I broke off a long term relationship a couple of months ago. He's what I'd describe as broken: depression issues, mommy issues, drinking problem, ungrateful when given help, no ambition to be better, and takes his problems out on me. He had a way of manipulating every situation to make me feel like what i did wasn't enough, and whatever he didn't do for me was justified in some way. He was somewhat cute when I first met him, but completely let himself go as years wore on and he felt like he didn't have to court or impress me anymore, including keeping personal hygiene.
I could go on about this relationship, but I finally put my foot down and told myself I could do better than his ugly ungrateful ass.
A cute guy started talking to me. I remember being tickled that a fit guy who wasn't repulsive reached out to me. He's a couple years younger, but he's already leaps and bounds better than my ex because he has a car and doesn't bitch about having to work like my ex did. He told me about his plans for the future, and made some grand promises I never heard pass outta my ex's mouth ie. 'I'd support you, I wouldn't demand you work and give me your money.' In general, it seemed he wanted to convey he'd pull his weight as a man.
I guess you can say my previous bar was so low it didn't take much to meet a baseline of standards that most women would consider the bare minimum.
However, as I got to know him more, he admitted to some shady things from his past. Drug dealing, being a major one. Run-ins with authority; found his mugshot for a misdemeanor. Also I get the impression he was a bit of a fuccboi in his early 20s.
I'd be willing to forgive all that, but it builds a caricature of what I may discover is a very sad individual with major problems, deep down.
He has some of the same vices as my ex, the booze. But he's also different than my ex in that he seems to like hygiene and doesn't live in squalor.
Do I accept that this guy has changed and try to work with him over the booze moderation, or do I fucking bail and not look back? He seems head over heels for me, but I barely know him. He seems to be pressing ahead with wanting to be with me, even dropping the word 'love,' but I'm guarded and expect at any given week he's gonna disappoint me.
Being alone, of course, is always an option but one I don't truly want.
It doesn't seem fair to have all this love to give but nobody who I trust to give it to again. Not fully.
What am I even doing? Is it because on a subconscious level I feel like I can't do better?
At what point do I accept that if all I attract is trash, then that makes me trash too? Should I just try to be happy with my trash?
I wish I could get advice from women who "upgraded" after previously being with a shit man? Like what changed about themselves or what did they do differently?
I don't trust myself to have good taste anymore. I don't even trust that this "cute" guy is actually even attractive, just that I've settled for uggos for so long that he's like an adonis in comparison.
You are being strung along.
LDRs aren’t real. They are infatuation with a fantasy.
Break up with him if you don't want to be with him, stop stringing him along with your schemes.>figure myself out
C'mon, stop, please. Break up with him and go bang other guys if that's what you want, no need to be fancy about it. Be honest to him, break up neatly, and go "figure yourself out" with casual sex. I'm sure meaningless casual flings are going to make you happy, and not love and support. At least you're not cheating so that's good.
Honestly, just break up with him. Don't fancy it up, just say that you want to have more fun and casual relationships, etc. the most important thing is to let him go before you do anything with yourself. Don't drag him with you or give him false hope.
I don't know if this goes to the advice thread, to the vent thread, or here; but it's mostly relationship bullshit, so here it goes nothing.
There is this guy who keeps texting me and inviting me to hang out even though he has a gf and he's made himself clear that he doesn't want any sort of infidelity or trio or whatsover (without me asking, he just spitted it out like that, IDK if i do look that needy or if he had already something on mind).
I went along because I'm a lonely virgin who's been isolated for years already and I just wanted a group of friends to hang out with where I live before I fucking give up and I just fuck off away from here. But everytime he tells me we are going to hang out with some friends, it ends up being just me and him. Honestly this is starting to creep me out as the last time we were him, me and his gf, and felt extremely uncomfortable and I had no idea why on the name of fuck he wanted me to hang out with them (and even more after stating that he's with his gf rn and he doesn't want anything more - isn't this just extremely weird? lol). He oc told me we were going to hang out with more people until it turned out he fought with them at last minute and it were just the 3 of us.
I'm honestly so fucking exhausted. This guy's a douchebag and a pain in the ass to deal with too, he's constantly talking about himself and the dumb shit he likes and I couldn't care less. He oc will barely listen to me when I talk or couldn't care less for my tastes. It feels so awkward when it's just the 2 of us yet he will still want to hang out with me and I honestly have got no idea of why as he already has got his damn gf and all he does is to keep talking about himself and his bland ass shit when he's with me. There is no sort of strong connection or anything like that where two people bond even if they are not romantically involved; it's just me listening 99% of the time to this d-bag talking about himself.
I'm just so tired. I just wanted to have friends and to start over but I keep dealing with these sort of fucked up people who manipulates me or brings me trouble. I want to be social and normal but I'm getting to an extreme were people physically repulse me out of the nasty shit I constantly have to stand from them. It's getting to a point where I'm fed up of my internet friends who I used to highly tolerate (they in fact are partially responsible for this current bs being the ones who started pressuring me into "hanging out more irl" at any cost and to be romantically involved with someone, and basically come to me to brag about their relationships irl, knowing that my situation is kinda sucky, which honestly makes me to want punch them in the face). The only person I can say I fully trust and doesn't do this shit to me literally lives in another continent. I'm so done.
I don't mean to come off as condescending or anything but why surround yourself with those people then? It seems like you keep spending time with these people way after you realized you don't like them. Maybe because you might think it's still better to have bad friends than having none? But trust me, that's not the case.
If you continue letting people run you over like that, it will continue happening. If you realize it doesn't work out with someone, stop spending your time on that relationship.
Do you feel like you still love him? Like, are you sexually attracted, miss him if he isn't around you for a longer period of time, etc?
But even if you do love him, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship, no matter how objectively perfect the guy or relationship is.
But if you do break up, let him off the hook. Don't make this whole thing a hiatus or anything. Give him a chance to get over you and don't suddenly start regretting your choice if he starts seeing someone etc.
How much time do you spend around each other?
So you're past the new relationship energy phase, but that's okay. It's important to realize relationships take work from both parties to be sustainable. I'd say you should talk to him about what you can do to keep falling in love with one another forever. One thing I find that helps is doing new things together. It doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, but it should be a break from routine. Create memories to cherish. Go on a picnic (if it's not too cold) or go try cooking something new together. It also helps to mention the things you really do love about that person frequently. Every night, my bf and I sign off by saying a few things we love about each other. It sounds corny, but I really like the chance to mention some of the things I really love about him, and the reminders of what he loves about me make me really happy. You could try it, and even if he doesn't reciprocate, it'll be a nice chance to reflect on the things you love about him. It doesn't need to be a ten-page love letter. Just say you love how respectful he is, or that he makes time for you, or that he's considerate of your feelings, or that he's funny, etc.
But generally speaking, think about how to continue courting one another in this more stable, long-term phase of your relationship. Don't put the onus solely on him, but it might help to explain that you feel like you've fallen into a bit of a rut so you can both figure out ways to change things.
Sorry I didn't see your response. I don't love him and I don't think he loves me either, but we're very close. I have felt my attractive towed him wane recently but I'm assuming that's because my feelings toward the entire relationship has waned also.
As for hanging out, it's an odd one because we work in the same building (but unrelated departments), so we meet up before work everyday to get a coffee or breakfast - we don't usually do lunch due to different schedules. We usually stay over each other's places about 2 times a week. I feel like I see him all the time…
That is my fear also. That I'll break up with him an then in a week or two desperately regret it. So like >>100171
mentioned, maybe I'm just passed the honeymone stage? But then I'm scared that I have just moved on emotionally and I'm dragging out this relationship. Nervous about Christmas also because he wants to do a load of things together and they sound like wonderful ideas bit they dont fill me with excitement.
>>100023>What am I even doing?
You're reaching so hard for someone or something to blame, your arm is dislocating.
You're extrapolating conclusions about your core self and all existing males from TWO cases.
You're grasping for control. Basically, you're panicking.
Stop seeing people as prizes - both yourself (rating yourself on a 1-10 scale, wtf) and others ("upgraded" from a bf, wtf).
You are losing because you made this into a game. Score points, win prizes.
But it's not a game. It's a dance. Tango.
Chill. Breathe. Re-learn to enjoy the ride.
It'll all pass. Everything and everyone. This too.
You got you. Always. Only you, from start to end. Respect that. Respect yourself.
Always buy neutral tissues - cry, but take care not to irritate your nose further.
Holy shit are you intentionally trying to be hilariously cringy? You're obliviously >>100190
and your advice is shit, just stop lol
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So I broke up with my bf 8 months ago, but we are still seeing each other from time to time (friends since kindergarten). But since that day I just feel miserable and alone. I don't have many social contacts or any friends for that matter and I don't want to scare them away with my neediness.
Also I'm still very jealous of everyone who even spends time with my ex. But I'm not sure if it's because I still have feelings for him or because I'm really lonely and don't really have anyone else. Shit Idk what to do…
It’s not shit advice. It’s just… advice.
I see you anon. Thank you.
So you're just rude to someone trying to be helpful. Not ok.>>100214
I wish all the best to you. Regardless of how anyone views my advice, it comes from a place of care for you anon.
I'm going through something similar has this with my boyfriend (we've been together over a year and a half now) but I'm finding myself less and less attracted to him. I don't know why honestly because he hasn't changed much but things like facial hair, acne, his hair are getting on my nerves and it seems really unreasonable of me to even find him unattractive because of those things. He doesn't look any different from a year ago imo but I guess I started noticing more of his flaws.
I feel horrible just typing this out, he's an incredible boyfriend and I find him cute but not sexy :(
Had a bf do this, she got under his skin and wormed into our relationship, pissed me off and she was in his ear about how I was paranoid and jealous and we wouldn't work out. Dumped him and he hopped back to her.
Your bf is weak and she's manipulative. Tell him to man up and tell her to fuck off or dump him.
Alright, here goes nothing. Here's a large vent. I'm sorry if this seems muddled, I'm very angry atm.
So, I have a crush on this girl, we'll call her Eden. A mate in my friendship group, Josh, also has a crush on her. She only started hanging out with my group very recently, but Josh immediatly started to flirt with her and asked her out, which scares her because she's worried that if she says "no" she won't be welcomed in my group anymore. I'm scared to make a move on her because I might be considered a cunt by Josh, since he's kind of the "leader" of the group and I'm treated pretty bad by him and another friend (who just so happens to be my ex boyfriend) who's also his bestfriend.
My friend, Harry and his boyfriend are encouraging me to go after Eden because apparently I'll be better for her (as in, I'm not going to try and have sex with her immediatly) but I'm scared I'll be ostrasized and kicked out of the group if I do since Josh has made it VERY public that he likes her to the group. However, another person in the group, Kimberly, has issues with Eden and see's her as a "User" (as in she uses people), an "attention whore" and "egotistical/too confident" when the reality is, she's not. It's not me having rose tinted glasses either, Kimberly hates Eden because she had a dream that her boyfriend and Eden were about to have sex until Kimberly walked in on them. Kimberly hates most girls because of strange reasons like that.
I want to talk to Eden more, but the thing with Josh is off putting and I don't want to lose my only friends. We're all 20 years old and going to uni or working, I thought this kind of bullshit didn't happen after high school.
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>befriend guy earlier this week
>similar interests, get along very well
>uses affectionate terms like calling me "love" and "cute"
>very full on and praises me a lot
>but agrees we're just becoming friends and this is platonic
What's going on? I'm ignorant to such things. Does he mean anything by it?
Oddly enough I think the personality he presented to me is very cute but he has some redflags:
>smokes cigarettes and weed
>problems with family
>openly likes sleazy pages on his fb account
>on a minor note, from those it's clear we'd be sexually incompatible
>seems attracted to men as well but claims to be straight
But the biggest is that he reminds me of myself when I used to be in the depths of BPD hell and would fixate on and "love bomb" new friends before deciding that they had betrayed me somehow and turn on them.
What should I do? Is it just my ego misreading an abnormally kind man as hitting on me?
Also those red flags are fine for friends with me, most of my male friends are kind of like that in some way. Anything more would be bad though. Which is sad because like I said he's quite endearing.
how is she back as soon as he got a new phone? you mean to say that she's just been texting him the whole time she was blocked just waiting for a text to go through? that sounds pretty unrealistic. which means your bf is the shady one. 10/10 he has been talking g to her elsewhere and now that he has a new phone that "can't block" she can text his phone and he can escape blame.
PS, even if it's true his phone doesn't have a block function you can ring up your provider and ask them to block it.
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My boyfriend forgot our half year anniversary and it genuinely upset me to the point where I told him I didn’t know if we should even continue dating. He made the excuse that he had a test that day but I think he just forgot after mentioning it to him a few days prior.
At first I was just peeved that he didn’t tell me in the morning but, I found out later he had forgotten.
We have a 7 hour time difference, and I just don’t know it’s worth it anymore. I have given a lot up to keep our relationship stable. I’ve lost hours of sleep even though I have a full time job, sleeping during the day meaning it’s hard to keep up with IRL friends. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to give up a lot over someone who can’t remember our anniversary. He’s forgotten other things that I have confronted him about. Like things that genuinely upset me so it makes me feel like he brushes my feelings off or doesn’t care.
I just want someone to be honest with me on my feelings. Do I deserve to be upset? Or am I just overreacting? I don’t even know if I’m going to break up with him or not to save me the trouble of hurt in the future but it’s hard because I genuinely love him.
Can anyone relate to the struggle of 'growing' with your partner and becoming different people?
My boyfriend and I seem to be growing further apart, more into our own separate identities. When we got together in freshman year, we liked the same movies, music, etc. We would make playlists and religiously listen to music together–mostly my music but he said he loved it and grew up with the same taste, and it seemed like I had found my soulmate because of how we could talk on and on about the same interests, and could continue talking about just nothing, and so on. Now as it's been 1.5ish years, he's in a very imaginative field, studying English and I'm more pragmatic, studying Econ and Math.
But over time, we stopped listening to music or talking about movies, or 'getting to know each other.' So recently, my boyfriend showed me some music and I saw that his taste has changed completely to indie stuff. Then I saw his library and there's 5 of ALL the songs that we've listened to together, but the rest is music that I've never heard of. I know this sound dramatic but he never mentioned this to me and it seems weird that I just found out about this taste when I just assumed that he had the same taste as I did. I think he's scared of me finding out about his music taste, which sounds weird, but he's avoided telling me things about himself because "I won't care to know" or something.
It's happened before where he says stuff like this Even in public around his old friends, it always makes me feel like shit when he's recounting some memory with other people and I'm there, all confused because I've never heard it. Then I ask him, "Hey I've never heard of that story" as an observation and he always says something to the extent of, "Well I figured that it would bore you anyways." Like…ouch, thanks?
I feel more apart from him, as I know we've been together for a while and that 'becoming your own people' is normal, but I can't help but think maybe he'll want someone who's similar to him, since apparently he doesn't feel comfortable to show/tell me about parts of him that I won't "click" with.
you are right anon, it's a tactic to make you feel like you're irrational and exaggerating. Most likely, you're not and he's a manipulative pussy.
You can ask: why are you so upset by me being serious? Why are you scared to talk with me? Etc.
Basically you take the gun out of his hand and point it at him; you're using the same tactic. See what he'll do then, chances are he'll get pissy, you need to remain your calmest self and consolidate the situation of you being the rational one and him being emotional. If it goes well, he'll feel humiliated/humbled and talk with you properly.
Or you can just be honest lol, the easiest way is to be blunt and just ask what his problem with confrontation is. Now that you know he's gaslighting you, you need to hold your stance and not get discouraged by his uwu no booly. This is the most important part.
I didn't go to my irl friends because i knew how dumb it sounded and I apologized for acting stupid.
This was our first actual 'fight' and our first relationship (inb4 ldr lul).
thanks i just needed to know how stupid i sounded because my petty feelings were getting in the way
From the evidence you've presented, it's not clear if he likes you romantically, or purely admires your academic prowess and wants you to mentor him in some way. It could be both; you won't know unless you spend more time with him.>>100452
This is unhelpful and paranoid. Nothing she said about the guy indicates he has "yellow fever."
not sure if this is the right place, but I'm confused about my sexuality. For bg, I know I'm sexually attracted to men (although not a very sexual person),never been in a relationship and is a virgin.
However, lately there's a woman in my class who I can't stop thinking about romantically and sexually. She's way older than me though and to a certain degree I think it's admiration since she's amazing at what she does. It would be easy just to call myself bi, but I'm just worried about being one of those bi-curious straight girls . I'm also worried because she is tomboy-ish (think older eleven from stranger things) so maybe I just like pretty androgynous men? Maybe like I said it's just admiration? I've had a couple of crushes on men that I can easily recognize as such, but due to my general inexperience with romance/sex I'm just very confused about her. Im also 22, so I feel like If I was bisexual there would be a bigger sign(?) of me liking women sexually earlier in life.
>>100470>Im also 22, so I feel like If I was bisexual there would be a bigger sign(?) of me liking women sexually earlier in life.
There are a bunch of people that are in their 40s and have a family and everything before realizing they aren't straight.
As a bisexual myself I do find it hard sometimes, to differentiate between 'I admire that woman because I want to be like her' and 'I admire that woman because I want to fuck her'. The best way to me to find out is to approach them sexually and find out how I feel about it. Does it turn me on to flirt etc. I do, however, see how this is probably not an option for you. But since you said, you do think about her sexually, I think you might have a crush on her.
Tbh, as long as you are being honest with the people you approach, I don't see a problem with being bi-curious. You're obviously not doing it for male attention either. So you can only really find out if you give it a try.
What's bothering me about bi-curious girls is those that leave you to believe they are 100% sure they're gay and let you develop feelings etc before coming clean about not really wanting a relationship with a girl.
Just be honest, say this is your first crush/experience with a girl and that you aren't sure about how deep/for real this is.
Thank you, your response was extremely helpful in trying to figure out my thoughts. >>100504
Im probably not going to approach her since i'm shy and she's an older classmate, but for future reference how would you go about ensuring that they're bi or lesbian? I feel like asking directly would be a little rude? (especially if they're more masculine in appearance)
It's such a cliche thing to say but realise they are your ex for a reason. My ex was physically abusive towards me and would have psychotic break downs where I feared for my life. Yet I also experienced a longing for him after I was in a healthy and loving relationship with someone else, which made me feel incredibly guilty. I think you can end up bonding to someone even if they are bad for you and you just have to remind yourself of the times in the relationship that you knew things weren't working and go over the reasons you left to reaffirm to yourself that they were valid and that you made the right choice. I found that I was reminiscing on a lot of the 'highs' of my last relationship where things seemed idyllic and selectively forgetting all of the awful times.
To be honest, what really got me over him in the end was him contacting me again to talk 'platonically' and after he started trying to manipulate me over text and insisting that my current relationship was abusive and telling me that I needed to leave my boyfriend, I saw him for who he really was. He hadn't changed.
I've never tried to date a woman myself (or chatted up a guy, i'm passive) but if you can get the conversation subtly round to things like gay marriage or gay characters you like in a tv show, it might help in sounding them out. If a girl is interested in you she might touch your arm or compliment you a little more than usual. I think it's gonna be a lot more subtle than straight approaches so keep that in mind.
I'd try making friends with her/a girl you like first and making sure you hug them goodbye, reassure them and be a good friend to them and it should reveal itself to you before long if there's anything there.
What always helps me figure out if they're gay is talking about relationships. This obviously only works if you aren't 100% strangers. But stuff like "My ex likes this/that (band/movie/etc) but I never got the appeal" and sometimes they are talking about exes too and use gendered terms.
Or you could be like "really liked [female actress] in that movie, she looked really hot". There's also a bunch of "gay staples" that pretty much any lesbian/bi girl I met knows/likes. The L Word, Tegan and Sara, Uh huh her, Naomily, OITNB, … stuff like that. Except for maybe OITNB they're a bit obvious though so if you aren't okay with them knowing you might be into girls without knowing their orientation for sure first, that's probably not the best approach.
What always helps me figure out if they're gay is talking about relationships. This obviously only works if you aren't 100% strangers. But stuff like "My ex likes this/that (band/movie/etc) but I never got the appeal" and sometimes they are talking about exes too and use gendered terms.
Or you could be like "really liked [female actress] in that movie, she looked really hot". There's also a bunch of "gay staples" that pretty much any lesbian/bi girl I met knows/likes. The L Word, Tegan and Sara, Uh huh her, Naomily, OITNB, … stuff like that. Except for maybe OITNB they're a bit obvious though so if you aren't okay with them knowing you might be into girls without knowing their orientation for sure first, that's probably not the best approach.
What always helps me figure out if they're gay is talking about relationships. This obviously only works if you aren't 100% strangers. But stuff like "My ex likes this/that (band/movie/etc) but I never got the appeal" and sometimes they are talking about exes too and use gendered terms.
Or you could be like "really liked [female actress] in that movie, she looked really hot". There's also a bunch of "gay staples" that pretty much any lesbian/bi girl I met knows/likes. The L Word, Tegan and Sara, Uh huh her, Naomily, OITNB, … stuff like that. Except for maybe OITNB they're a bit obvious though so if you aren't okay with them knowing you might be into girls without knowing their orientation for sure first, that's probably not the best approach.
Sorry for the wall of text but I'm really at my wit's end here.
What should I do if my boyfriend is depressed? Since we moved in together I stupidly got angry at him several times because he would constantly do inconsiderate things and drag me down with his attitude. He's been depressed before all this, but we were both really stressed and we got into some bad arguments. At one point he told me he fell out of love with me, but he still loves me as a friend and cares about me. To which after I explained to him that when you're depressed you just lose that passion for everything, his hobbies included. It makes you want to push everyone away. He's at a job he hates as well, which he told me makes him miserable and feel worthless. He told me he's become a weak and horrible person, and he wants to go back to how he was when we first met. I know what you're thinking, that after what he said it should just be over and I should leave. But after I convinced him he seemed really happy, he told me he was just being negative and he couldn't see anything but that at the time. He told me he was happy that I fought to keep us together and he would do the same… Even now I still see glimmers of the kind and loving man I fell in love with.
After seeing how bad we were getting, I got my shit together and started being more supportive by helping him get his diet together, giving him plenty of space, being the voice of reason in stressful times and generally being more optimistic in general. I've gotten better at communicating my feelings and listening to him in a productive manner. But after giving him more space to do things on his own, he rarely ever wants to hang out with me anymore. We've become so distant. He'd rather play games with his online friend than be around me. I asked him about it, and he told me that it's less pressure. If he gets into an argument with his friend it doesn't matter because they live across the country and they can just not talk for a couple days and be okay. If we do, it'll naturally be worse because we're living together. I reassured him that there was no pressure, and if we by a small chance get into an argument again we'll stop and think, take a break if we need to, and resolve it by talking it out. After the talk everything seemed okay but we're still back to not hanging out again. We were supposed to go hiking but he put it off until tomorrow. I'm worried he'll keep postponing and we won't ever get to spend any time together.
Nothing seems to help. Shit, when I write this all out it seems like it's already over. I don't want to give up on us, though. We used to be so close. Has anyone here been depressed and in a relationship with someone else? Did you fall out of love with them? Do you think they started to become more of a burden? Is there anything you wish your partner did differently?
>>100581>he would constantly do inconsiderate things and drag me down with his attitude
So you mean you were justifiably
upset and he retreated into his mental illness to shield himself from the accountability.
Honestly anon, it's sad how you put so much effort into keeping the relationship afloat and how you yourself developed so much as a person only to be told it's "too much" for him to spend time with you.
I'm so sorry for you anon, but even if you get little tidbits of his cooperation every now and then he's not going to change.
I dated someone like this; always time for beer, friends, and games yet somehow too depressed and tired for me.
He's still inconsiderate of you, except now he knows that if he brings up mental illness excuses he can manipulate and guilt you into accepting it without argument. Again, I'm familiar.
Can you honestly say you're prepared to deal with this bullshit for the rest of your life?
This is exhausting.
Think about how you could be spending your life with someone who craves your company and tries his best to please you. You sound like you deserve so much better than whatever this relationship is, if that.
What you said makes sense… I'm just so stuck in the past, I guess. We used to spend whole days together and they would just fly by, he would buy games and put them off when they were delivered because he wanted to spend time with me. He spent so much time with me and treated me so well. He is still doing things for me and is putting in effort too, but it just doesn't feel enough to me knowing how he was before. I know that he's become a different person, but part of me is stubborn and doesn't want to give up because I love him. I want to make things work.
I'm constantly switching between "I don't want to give up" and "I should just fuck off and leave and find someone that treats me better" but he's the one I love. I'm loyal to a fault and I hate it. He doesn't even initiate any sort of affection anymore when he used to hug me and hold my hand all the time. I know it's over but it hurts so much to admit it.
Choose the one with the bigger pickle and superior cunnilingus skills
sage for semi-serious post
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this is quite silly but my boyfriend is a lolicon and it affects my self esteem. throughout my teenage years, i always wanted to be very underweight and child looking and i feel like this kind of adds to it. i have a pretty feminine frame, i'm quite soft. i'm 5'3 and 130 pounds by now. i gain a lot of weight in my legs, and my boobs are pretty big. my boyfriend, even before we started dating has mentioned that he likes small/flat chests, and bodies that aren't curvy. while we we've been dating i relapsed with my eating disorder a few times. i used illegal diet pills. binged. the whole shabang. i've been trying to get over it, but somehow, knowing that i'm not really what he wants and that he's compromising is always upsetting. like, wow, i never thought i'd be sad about not being a blonde loli. sometimes i wish that i had never became a weeb. sometimes i don't understand why he likes me at all considering i am the opposite of anything he's expressed interest in. it's not even like i feel like i look disgusting and terrible alone, it's moreso that i feel that way around him because that's not what he would really want. i don't know
if a relationship is causing you to have such self-destructive thoughts and tendencies i don’t think it’s healthy for you to stick around without finding help even if your boyfriend is not intentionally harming you.
also,>my boyfriend is a lolicon
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This can't be real.
If it is, please leave him.
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>>100622>my bf is a lolicon
get out. now. before he becomes a molester and drags you to hell with him.
Not a useful comment, but he seems legit crazy>I heard a rumor that I'm cheating on you anon
W-what>yeah you are talking to my friends about me cheating on you
Yes, when you ignore me for days on end I sometimes talk to other people>blocks you
You're falling all over yourself and feeling distraught because you aren't appealing to a pedophile who is not only open about that but also about his disinterest in you.
You are being abused and need to get help.
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My boyfriend of 1 year wants to break up with me because he wants to be alone for awhile and or date other people. I respect him doing that but I’m not ready. What if he doesn’t talk to me anymore and forget that I even existed. I don’t know what do do, I love him so much and I should just let him go but I just won’t budge. I may be overthinking this way too much but i’ve been so stressed about this for weeks and it’s getting worse since school started.
I am sorry anon, but it's over already…You cannot stop him.
Most likely he wants to break up but tries to soften the blow (unless he is a pussy and wants to have his cake and eat it too).
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Girl, you better listen to these anons. They’re giving out some good advice here. Leave his creepy ass. Someone out there will love you for what you are, and NOT be a predatory risk in the future. Love yourself.
I know I'm super petty for this, but my boyfriend is always copying things I'm doing and it really gets under my nerves. Every movie I watch, every book I read, every webtoon I follow, food I like, all my hobbies, fashion choices, he got into all of them. At first I thought it was sweet, but now it's just annoying me for some reason. I also have a certain texting style, and he's been copying it exactly. I'm not big on emojis, but there's 2 I use and he's started using those as well. There's been a few times where he will literally also copy things I say in my native language. I know it's such a dumb thing to be irritated about, but it just gets under my skin for some reason. I can't really bring it up to him either, without sounding like a total bitch.
It’s crazy when a person has gotten to a level of snow flake that even their partner copying them triggers
I mean, I know I'm a bitch, which is why I'm posting here on anon lol. But we've only been together for a few months and at this point it feels like he's trying to be me rather than be with me. He dropped all his old hobbies to take on mine instead, and even started wearing (and not giving back) a lot of my clothes and accessories. He even put on my blush once. >>100910>normal for couples to bounce mannerisms off each other
I get that, but it bothers me because it's all take and no give. I already realize it's petty though. >>100921
Nope, I'm petty, but not that petty.
kinda lumped it in as "fashion choices" but I don't think he's trans? He mainly takes more of the unisex looking pieces from uniqlo etc. Can't explain the blush though, when I asked him about it he said he wanted to match.
Also forgot to mention that I bought eyelid glue a while back out of curiosity of how double eyelids would look on me and he tried making his eyes into monolids with it by putting the glue line closer to his lashline. Again, to "match". I got him to stop that one though.
My ex was like this way for a bit, then he just stopped pretending like he enjoyed anything that I did. It was odd.
Speaking of my ex, he is now dating someone else after 4 to 5 months after our breakup. Feeling pretty okay about it, though it weirds me out how his new girl keeps staring at me every time we cross paths at school.
Anyway, she'll never know that he literally came in his pants once kek. Knowing shit like this is one of the reasons I don't feel so bad he's already with someone else.
I had a guy who i only met once, who then dressed like me, started wearing makeup and dyed his hair the same colours as me for a few months.
I don't think it was a crossdressing fetish thing, more that he had some mental issues and that's how he expressed his interest in me. It's very transparent though. A genuine shared interest isn't carbon copy like that…it's some sort of con but I don't know what the end goal is.
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Has anyone here ever dealt with a situation where they tried introducing a friend to their new boyfriend for it to go horribly?
Normally I wouldn't care if it were any ordinary friend, but I adore my girlfriend because she's one of my best friends, even my parents love her. I'm so disappointed that the first interaction between her and my bf was disasterrific.
The worst part is, I don't really know who's in the 'wrong' here because it's stupid bullshit imo:
It all started at a gaming party. My friend flew in from out of town so it was something of an occasion. I'm lucky to see her once a year. She started to do shots, nbd I thought because she traveled a long way and probably just wanted to unwind. Except she's super tiny so it didn't take much for her to get shitfaced. Whoops, but whatever, she was just acting goofy and touchy feely. Super harmless stuff coming from someone I care about and am familiar with. It's not like she's a physical threat. Her bf was doing a decent job drunksitting her too. I'd honestly never seen her this drunk before so I didn't really know what her behavior would be like.
I invited my new bf over after he got out of work. By that time it was late and anyone who drank (barring myself) at that point were pretty loopy. They were basically in the comedown stage after being hyper drunk, so everyone was chilling and drunk banting, trying not to throw up.
My bf has some social anxiety and sometimes takes social faux pas super personal. Unbeknownst to me at the time he arrived, he had a shitty night at work too. I guess you can say he was agitated and not really in a light mood for antics.
I poured him a drink and the first 30 minutes were fine afaik. Yet eventually, my bestie's bf went upstairs to participate in an MMO, and I was caught up in a console tournament. My bf went into the kitchen where my bestie was recovering because he didn't like watching fighting games.
After I lost my match, I went into the kitchen to find them. The vibe was really tense, I could tell my bf was not amused and bestie was banting because nobody was drunksitting her. Anyway, she basically told him in a drunk-joking manner that if he mistreated me that she'd cut his throat because my ex was a horrible shit and she didn't want to see me hurt again. Again, I don't think this was intended to be serious at all.
My bf took that very personal, and to be fair, my drunk friend wasn't backing down or making it clear that she was just bantering (it was obvious to me, but maybe it would have to be spelled out for someone like bf who is not good at reading a room). She kept pushing the envelope in typical drunk person fashion.
He trashed his beer and then dipped from the party because he got so mad, he didn't say a word on as he stormed out. I dipped too because it was super late anyway. When I caught up with him in the car he rolled down the window then proceeded to holler at me outside about how fucking stupid he thought my friend was for threatening him. I tried to explain how it was just drunk banter and she would never act like that sober, but he didn't care. He insisted she was serious and that it was a high offense. He told me he was gonna fight her if he wouldn't have walked out.
Later when he calmed down he still insisted I tell her that he was offended by her behavior. Tbh I don't want to tell her anything. She probably won't even remember what was said or what she did.
I think both of them behaved stupidly, but I'm more upset about how they didn't get along. I've never met anyone who didn't like my friend. It hurts me that bf is writing her off as stupid just because she was wasted at a party. I know why her conduct could be read as offensive, but I also keep perspective that people often aren't in the right state of mind when they're inebriated too. No, I don't feel the "threat" had any credence because she's sub 5ft, a lightweight, and would never actually harm anybody.
But maybe I'm biased. Idk. The whole thing is so dumb.
Every bestfriend does that especially if youve had a previous abusive bf. Fuck i have told my bestfriend bf something similar and i wasnt even drunk and i was very serious. He told me i didnt have to worry because he really cares about her.
Idk anon but your bf sounds a bit off saying shit like he would fight a tiny girl because of a few words. Be careful with that one
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I am 24 and I've never been in a relationship. Ive had flings with guys but they never became serious. I always thought it had to do with them being douchebags but honestly I'm not so sure anymore. The past guy that I started seeing showed 0 signs of being a guy who just wanted to get in my pants. In fact I was the one that always initiated sex because I love having sex. But I think thats my problem I always end up having sex with guys on the 1st or 2nd date and I feel like because of that no guy takes me seriously, hence why im 24 and STILL single. I know the easy solution is to not sleep with a guy on the 1st date but I have an extremely high libido and if I'm attracted to a guy I will sleep with him because my thought is (when is the next time I'm going to get laid?) Its such a problem that the last guy I was close to being in a relationship with, I specifically chose to go on our 1st date while I was on my period so that I wouldnt fuck him. I still ended up making out with him and I spent the night at his place. We did eventually end up sleeping together and after that I always wanted to have sex. (he was the first guy to ever make me cum) but he just couldnt keep up. We saw each other for 3 months and then one day he told me that because we live far away (an hour away) he didnt think our relationship would be "sustainable." But I really think I scared him away because of how much I craved sex. Its been 5 months and I still cant get over him because on top of being amazing in bed, he was so sweet to me and treated me so nice. I honestly just want to be a normal girl who takes it slow and doesnt get all horny just from a guy treating me like a human being. How do I stop letting my vagina ruin my relationships and does anyone else have this problem or am I sex freak??
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So I had/have a boyfriend, he's honestly the best person I've ever been with. We had the perfect relationship, I honestly think/thought he was my soulmate. Due to complicated circumstances we became a LDR a few months ago. Things were going just fine until he pretty much up and lost his mind due to some unfortunate things happening in his life (and yeah, it was pretty bad, but I'm trying to be vague here so this is less identifiable as me). He dumped me without even telling me, I found out through facebook. Shortly thereafter stopped responding to any of my messages after promising me he wouldn't leave when I confronted him about breaking up with me. I eventually figured out he had my me blocked, but got him on the phone briefly a week or so after to learn he was with another girl and he didn't want to talk to me and "it was easier this way". This is all after he said he wanted to be my husband one day, that I was the love of his life.
Now, I've since learned this business with this other girl wasn't true at all (apparently…) and he just thought it would hurt me less to tell me that rather than say he didn't want anyone around. They were seeing each other briefly but nothing ever happened and he didn't want it to.
So…several weeks pass after we talk. I think I've lost the love of my life. I drink, I smoke, I cry all day and I basically stop functioning. Eventually I just get tired of it. I go on some dates. I've seen 3 guys since we broke up, two have been one-off little hangouts, one I had been talking to for about 2 weeks and he was fine. One of them was a near hookup that I couldn't go through with because I was too upset. I just wanted a distraction and soon realized that wasn't going to help me, apologized profusely for leading him on, and left. I am no longer seeing anybody.
I write my ex a letter after this failed hookup, telling him everything I felt, but not really expecting a response. I was trying to move on and saying what I needed to say helped me. A week or so later, he comes into my inbox begging me to take him back, that he'd been an idiot and I was the best thing for him, that he had completely lost his mind and pushed me away as a consequence and my letter put it all into perspective. This is when I learned he never did anything with this girl he was "seeing", but I wanted to be honest with him and told him everything I had done. Which honestly…wasn't much, in the grand scheme of things. The guy basically just saw me naked, kissed me a bunch, touched me a little, and I decided I didn't want to do it and I left. And as far as I knew…my ex didn't want me anymore. He had told me over the phone he didn't even know how he felt about me anymore and he had blocked me literally everywhere, so…I didn't see anything wrong with just trying to forget.
This apparently greatly upset my ex. He said that he was hurt and depressed and that he never went anywhere with any girl since he left me. But…it's because he knew I'd be hurt…and I made it very clear how I felt. I wanted him back. He told me he was with someone else, true or not. He said he didn't want to be with me long distance. He was so cold and uncaring, he refused to have anything to do with me. I thought he wouldn't care.
So now…he won't talk to me. He'll reply in short little messages but it seems like that drive that made him want me back…is gone. Like I've cheated on him or something or that I ruined it. Like he thinks I'm some kind of whore or something. I wasn't myself, I lost my goddamn mind. I wanted to marry him, have babies with him and then he was just GONE. I was in so much pain and I regretted doing it the second it happened. He demanded I tell him every detail and I did. He asked if I sucked his dick, if I touched him, if he was inside me. I felt so…invaded and violated but I wanted to be honest with him. The whole experience itself was upsetting enough, and I told him upfront we did not have sex. That should have been enough. He has no right to be upset right? He dumped me! He said he didn't want me! I just…I don't understand any of this. I'm so frustrated and I want him back but not if he's going to judge me for what I did after he hurt me.
He has no right to be upset. He dumped and then blocked you, refusing to give you closure, and to me it sounds like he dumped you for this other girl he was seeing and then she decided she didn't want anything to do with him so he ran right back to you.
If you take him back now it's basically saying it's okay for him to treat you like this and he won't respect you one iota.
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Has anyone had their boyfriend suddenly develop a fetish? My boyfriend has always been a sub, we had somewhat of a gfd type relationship. We stopped being intimate for several weeks, mainly I hadn't initiated because he was tired from work, but it turns out that he doesn't like the stuff we used to do as much and is having more and more sadistic tendencies. What's more, is that he doesn't want to hurt me or for our dynamic to change, and "as a last resort" if things weren't working he wanted us to beat up a guy together (consensually). It scares me that he even thought that far ahead, to the point of including someone else.
I'm so lost. He's never shown any signs of sadism or non-monogamous tendencies. In fact one of the reasons I fell in love with him was because of his gentleness and loyalty. His new job has been really stressful and it's almost like it made his personality do a complete 180. If I didn't love him I would have gotten the hell out of here already. But I know he's normally not like this and is something that developed a few months ago. Is it possible this is something that can go away?
If his job is really what is causing him to have violent tendencies then he needs to start debriefing at a counselor/therapist, and look for a career change in the long run
But really if his job isn't something extreme like police work and he wasn't just hiding it before, it sounds like he's developed a porn addiction
It can go away if he's honest with you and wants to actually change back but that's up to him
Yeah honestly idk. I want to know what happened with this other girl but at the same time I really, really don't. He was the one who started seeing someone else first, and he is a very sexual person. I was apparently incorrect in my assumption, but it wasn't out of bounds to assume he'd slept with her already. When I got off the phone with him I literally immediately started ranting at my roommate about how he was already fucking some other girl like 5 days after we broke up. It's not like he made it sound innocent, and he didn't talk to me at all, so how was I supposed to know any different? Not that it's tit for tat here but it's not like I'm the one that left. I was faithful to him up until the point he said he was seeing somebody else. It's like I'm tainted goods now as far as he's concerned, or at least that's what it feels like. He asked for details so he could "move past it" but since then it's been radio silence. This is why I didn't want to share details in the first place. The entire experience with this other guy was honestly more traumatic than anything…he was really nice but I didn't want it. I was trying to force it to see if it would help ease the pain and help me get over my ex and I almost cried at several points before I just up and left.
It's just…so insane to me.
eeh…you guys don't sound compatible. i don't think it's a matter of him needing to put less importance on sex, or you needing to put more. despite what many would want you to believe, sex is important to any relationship. and not having sexual compatibility is just as important as something like a lack of communication. if you have a low sex drive, you need to find someone else with a low sex drive as well.
also i'm not going to validate this asexual or biromantic nonsense btw.
i don't really want it validated, i forgot where i am and i'm used to being forced to use stupid words to explain that i just don't like sex
i think you're right about compatibility and that really scares me. i've never been happier or more comfortable with someone, but a lot of things about us don't line up. it would hurt too much to let him go, so i don't know how i could ever accept that we just aren't compatible
I think my best friend is lowkey abusive, but I'm not sure. We're both fucking crazy: I'm bipolar, he has BPD, but we're usually absolutely great with each other until a minor conflict comes.
I'm pretty agressive when I'm hypomanic and he's very oversensitive like… always, so it leads to tons of problems from every direction possible. I'm organizing a small poetry reading every month and usually it's just two of us reading works to a dozen of friends in a cafe, but this time a new dude asked if he can join and read his works and I said sure why not. When I texted so to the friend, he was really passive agressive, but I tried to stand up to him and not let him make me feel bad like always. I joked around (cause we have a running joke that I'm a domme female and he's a shy pushover man) and said he doesn't have any say in the matter anyway, but he just kept being passive agressive and annoying, so I straight up told him to cut this shit out because we agreed he won't be passive agressive to me and try to articulate when he has a problem with something clearly. I sent him a message that contained three different points about the whole situation and he started accusing me of doing "what I always do", which is talking really fast and bringing up a lot of different claims. That apparently means I'm blaming everything on him and refusing any responsibility. Well, my fast talking is the result of hypomania and I'm still learning how to deal with that, but most importantly, this was a fucking text message. Last time we had an argument he told me he has a problem with me talking fast because he doesn't have the time to process everything, not because it's me blaming him for everything, but now suddenly bam here we go
It doesn't help that three of my close relationships have recently ended in the other parties being outed as assholes, but gaslighting me into believing I was "manipulative" and "mean". One of them accused me of being a narc lol. When i told the friend how hurt his accusation made me feel, he just made an excuse, so I started (for the first time ever because it's usually just me who's trying to solve all arguments between us and he's just passive and passive agressive) replying in one word messages and giving him the cold shoulder. That worked surprisingly well because he apologized and said he only "feels like" I'm blaming him for everything and that it actually might not be true and that he simply misunderstood. I just told him ok, bye, have a good night, I need a break.
This probably sounds more like venting but do you have any idea how to deal with such an oversensitive person who always resorts to passive agression when something goes wrong? I'm kind of torn because I love him very much and we have a lot of laughs and topics to discuss together, lots of similar interests you know, but then shit like this happens and it destroys my fragile self-esteem and makes me question if I'm an evil abusive bitch all over again. I told him so, but he says I'm guilttripping him lol. So idk haha please help
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I'm currently 10 months into a relationship and I'm starting to have serious doubts. For context, I moved out at 18, pay for myself (food,rent, etc), have a full time job, good terms with family and friends. I'm quite a mellow/non confrontational person by nature, but I'm making an effort to not be walked all over.
My boyfriend is cute and charming, but x years older than me and basically still a teenage boy. Lives rent free, doesn't pay for his own food, lives off government benefits, has a very odd, pessimistic but idealistic (does that make sense?) view of the world, often cussing out that the world isn't like his flavour of the month anime, isn't exciting enough apparently. Unfortunately the type of guy who thinks "These people are so dumb, I would survive so easily" when he watches a disaster/zombie movie. Except hes not 12, hes a fully grown man who still acknowledges himself as a boy.
Basically, this relationship has just been a weird swing depending on how my boyfriend wants to act. One month, he's incredibly sweet, loving, we're having sex regularly and he actually chats with me and wants to see me like a normal boyfriend. But the next month… Blanking me, ignoring me, treating me like I'm some harpy (or his mother) whos trying to ruin his life, refuses sex, complains about being "forced" to spend time with me or cuddle me or even just a little kiss.
I was used to that, but recently, we had a string of fights that made me start to think things aren't going to get better.
His last girlfriend had a very bad case of BPD and didn't take her meds. I almost feel like he's using the mental tactics she used on him on me.
These fights always come about fron him saying something incredibly cold or very insulting about me and then when I don't allow myself to be walked all over, he starts trying to mentally tear me down. Telling me:
>He started dating me because my life was together and I was happy (I wasnt; I was worse than I am now) and now I was sad he didn't want to spend time with me anymore after i expressed my worry that I didn't feel afraid of killing myself anymore
>Despite the fact he is constantly telling me how awful his life is and all I do is support him
>That I have no life outside of him, no hobbies, no friends, nothing. Its not the case. I knew his friends before he did. I have more hobbies than he does. All he does is play games, thats his only hobby. However, he kept drilling this into me nonstop and I had the first actual mental breakdown I've seriously had.
>I'm too clingy when all I'm doing is trying to have a normal, good relationship. I don't want a relationship where I'm miserable all the time, but he seems to think in order for the relationship to be normal, I have to just wait around doing nothing being ignored by him until hes ready to stick his dick in something or use me as a bed heater.
My biggest annoyance is that he just puts on this aloof act like he doesn't care. He does it so often, I find it really fucking hard to believe him when he says he cares.
His absolute random, unpredictable lack of sex drive is also extremely incompatible with me.
It makes me feel ugly, unwanted, etc. And I've asked why. About all of it. And its always just non answers, or answers that just sound like "Im never going to change".
I know I can leave him, and its getting so bad I'm considering it because I feel actual physical pain in my chest even thinking about just prodding, poking, asking, anything, to get a genuine response out of him like I have to everytime we're together.
But I still love him. It makes me so fucking sad when I think about the person I love whos in that cold, bitter, mean container.
If you just met the guy today for the first time, but knew all the awful things he's done or said, would you still get into this relationship? It sounds like he's terrible no matter how many "oh but he also x" you could try to dilute it with. I feel like you've given him a lot of time to improve as a person, but don't fall into the sunken cost trap, don't lose another ten months of your life when you could be moving on and finding someone out there who is looking for someone like you.
It hurts to let go even of a one-sided love, but you need to find someone that can properly love you back. You can grow from this experience too, you need to love yourself.
i think budget depends on how much money people have saved up or want to spend really. but maybe figure out something sentimental?
we're going to a christmas themed afternoon tea this year which will be really fun!
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Hell yeah I'm down
Practise this to yourself 100x…>You can do it yourself.>He has two working hands, he can pack his own leftovers.>I'm a bit busy here, he can do that himself for sure.>Darling, I am not cleaning after you. If you want me to act like your mum, I'm hiring you a babysitter and let's see how that goes.
Stop serving him, he expects it because you do it. Explain it to him that this is not alright and you're not going to serve him. He thinks it's alright because his mum is the nightmare of any woman. His mum has made him a little prince who doesn't need to do shit, but the good thing is that you're going to grow some balls and not perpetuate his belief that he's a little prince. About time that he learns to act like an adult.
All you need to do is grow a spine and explain to him first nicely how things will go from now on, if that doesn't work you gotta get stern and if that doesn't work get mean.
Unfortunately his mom has ruined him already, like HOLY SHIT he was treated like an actual god. Who goes up every morning with your son's breakfast??? The worst thing is she most certainly treats his Dad the same so he's fucking doomed and thinks this is the norm.
Laying down the law = break up, i guarantee it. And him hopping online to complain about his HiGh Maintainence
GF who didn't worship at his feet, like that was a reasonable expectation.
IF you want to try to work this out: intervention. This is more than self-destructive behavior, it's alcoholism. Especially if he feels like he has
to be out partying and drinking often and gets aggressive if you make your needs to the contrary known.
It appears as though it's affecting you both financially too.
He needs to realize he's sick. He needs other people to tell him so if his sick brain thinks you're being deceitful. Even then he may still be in denial.
I don't know anon. My ex of five years was also a functional alcoholic and took all of our financial woes out on me but never cut back his drinking and funsie time. He cared more about his dumb buddies and having fun than me. Hell I didn't even expect him to give me updates on what he was doing after work because I'd greater assume he'd get home anywhere between 2-4am almost every night.
I was miserable and unhappy and he didn't change his inconsideration no matter how many times I was diplomatic about it.
We weren't married though (not like he gave a shit to even buy me a ring), so I just left.
Maybe if you charged divorce as the ultimatum your partner may change. But then again, maybe not. I wish you the best.
So I've never had to think about the concept of "rebounding" before because I'd never been in a serious relationship until my last ex.
I was with my ex for many years, but I left him due to the fact that he was in general a major inconsiderate asshole. Not only that, but the last year and a half to two years with him had been a dead bedroom scenario.
Needless to say because of all these things I was mostly angry when I left him. Romantically I had long been over him and only kept the relationship for as long as I did out of a stupid sentimental desire to "make it work" (sunk cost fallacy) and that financially it was hard for me to leave. I would NEVER go back to him. Ever. Not in a million years.
About a month and a half after, I met a new guy I really liked. I was honest about my previous relationship but he didn't seem to care, he wanted me and wanted to go steady. So we've been dating for a couple of months now, but I've made no major social announcements of it (and tbh maybe it's more mature anyway). I fear judgement from people telling me it's "too soon." I already told some of my closer friends, and even though they said it out of genuine concern, voiced that maybe it wasn't a good idea citing "rebound."
What does this word mean?
I could kind of understand if I seemed desperate for my ex and was just using people to try to forget about him and heighten my self-esteem. But all I want is a romantic relationship with someone new who I find interesting and doesn't treat me like shit. Yes, it helps that the sex is amazing but that's not the only reason. I genuinely like him as a person and want to nurture those feelings instead of tossing them aside because there's apparently a mandatory cooldown period.
I was telling the new guy some stories about my past, specifically about an international trip that I went on with my ex, but because I had mentioned him he got upset. Told me that because I mentioned him that he felt like a "rebound" even though to me I was just innocently recounting a story that happened to have him in it. I think he overreacted, but I feel guilty for making him feel bad even if I didn't intend it. But I'm also mad because I feel like if I told this same story a year later, he wouldn't have cared as much because I guess it would seem less "reboundy" even though I'm sure people still rebound years after if they're still not emotionally over their exes.
I feel punished because my ex was/is a fucking jackhole. It seems like people expect to go through a period of being dateless celibates after the end of a ltr to 'prove' they can enter another relationship.
If I'm off-base then set me straight, I just don't get it.
when i started dating my ex, he had just gotten out of ~5 year relationship, but it was the same kinda thing - he was just staying with her out of convenience, sunk cost fallacy, etc. we ended up getting together like less than a month after they broke up.
i don't think there's anything wrong with that! i think it would be different if you got out of a long relationship with someone you cared about. my ex would often bring up his ex, joke about her, it never made me uncomfortable though because i knew there were absolutely no feelings between them still.
my advice to you, though, is take it slow with the relationship. my ex moved things really fast, and now i think it was probably due to us starting to date so soon after he broke up with his girlfriend. it was fine at first but looking back i think it caused a lot of problems in the relationship that i felt uncomfortable resolving, because i loved him, and when i tried to voice that we were moving too fast, he took it personally. obv just my 2 cents, but might be applicable to your situation.
I think people are missing the significance of>the last year and a half to two years with him had been a dead bedroom scenario
It's not like you went straight from one passionate relationship to the next. Doesn't sound like a rebound based on what you wrote.
I went through something very similar earlier this year. I'd been romantically over my ex for months before I finally got up the guts to leave him, and started seeing someone else about a month later which is still going strong.
People are going to be nosy and think what they want to think, but if you're happy, that's what really matters.
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maybe he a) doesn't have his phone on him or b) reads texts and forgets about them? i'm guilty of the second one, even if it's from my bf or a good friend, i'll leave them on read because i'm doing other things like painting and don't feel like getting devoted to a conversation.
you should ask him when a good time to text him is.
My boyfriend is really amazing, he's the best relationship I've ever been in. We've been together for 2 years now
The problem is that he does nothing all day. He's a total neet living with his mom, he doesn't even have any kind of life project he can cling to.
I've been very supportive of him, encouraging him to find a little job or go to uni at first, but eventhough he told me he tells me he'll do something about it he never does. I started being a bit more agressive about it, I had given him a deadline to find a job or any "occupation" but due to my cowardice and quiproquos I didn't do anything when we actually hit the deadline.
He doesn't understand that I can't imagine having a future with him when he just keep being a neet. I'm really starting to be tired of that shit, but every time I bring the topic up he's just so nice and sweet and promises me he's really trying.
Honestly I don't believe he'll do anything anymore, he admitted his dream life would be to live with his mom all his life hoping he'd die before she does
Along that I've met other people by myself, I can't help fantasising about the relationship I could have with them instead, I feel terrible because it actually makes me want to leave him. But I feel like it'd be kind of a bitch move, I knew how he were before we got together, and it'd be partially motivated by my lusting over someone else.
Also I know I'd really miss that relationship
First off, congratulations.
Anyway, more kids = less time spent alone as a couple (unless you have a really organized schedule and time management). New babies are also expensive and a ton of work. He might have a hard time coping with the idea of going through that all over again.
Due to their comparatively low empathy, men often struggle to understand the value of children. They tend to think in terms of short term negatives instead of long-term emotional fulfillment. It takes some men until later in life to understand what makes kids worth it.
This sounds exactly like my last relationship. We whad a ton of chemistry and got along well but he was a basement NEET at his mom's house and refused to do better. I was working and going to school full-time trying to build a future for us and he did absolutely nothing and did not give a shit about a future or moving out because his mommy said he could stay forever. I stuck with him for 3 years until the resentment creeped up and I realised I was dating a literal manchild who would never get better.
I cut and run. Now I'm with someone who graduated college and has an extremely good job and actually feels like my partner and equal and I've never been happier. I let myself languish for years in that old relationship and wasted my time and regret every minute of it.
Don't waste any more of your time.
Ah fuck, I know you're right and it hurts like hell. I know what kind of life we'd have together and it sucks
I have to end it but shit, I can see his face already when I'll tell him I want to break up…
And I know exactly what he'll say. Honestly I don't know how I'll do not to give in
I believe in you anon. It was hard for me to leave too; after all, you think all you want in someone is someone who loves you and treats you well, but at the end of the day, it's not nearly enough to sustain a relationship. There are people out there who will offer you just as much love and affection who don't also have mommy issues. If you feel yourself faltering, just remind yourself - you can't be with a guy who puts living with his mom before living with you. You literally cannot have a future with a guy who wants to be an eternal child. It's impossible. If he didn't lift a single finger to improve his situation in 3 years, why would he in another 3? or 10?
I'm sure he'll make a bunch of empty promises that he will improve - remember you gave him 3 years worth of chances and he did nothing.
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This isn't really relationship related but I sorta need to vent about what happened. I hope no one recognises me, I'll want to die.
>fall for a guy but he's far away
>I ask him if we could LDR
>he likes me too but no because he doesn't want to do LDR
>normally when I confess I dump the friendship asap but he didn't give me a yes or a no
>end up staying around way longer than needed to
>near the end of 2017 I met a girl and we all became friend
>things go awry and I left the guy (well I'm never gonna get a yes so…)
>in server with a few other people
>that server has a dude that's really thirsty that I keep in there for the lulz
>one day invite another friend who began hitting on the girl as an obvious meme/joke
>one day that friend pm's me that thirst man pm'd him telling him to stop doing that cause my friend is uncomfortable
>I get mad at the dude for being a gross dude (this honestly isn't really justified I think) and kick him
>kick the girl as well, for 1. leading this dude on and 2. choosing this guy over me, her friend and also the only person with mod rights
>few days later I realise its pretty stupid for me to kick the girl
>apologise to her
>write a lengthy apology and warn her about the thirst man
>"thanks for the small talk"
>well nevermind that's it for our friendship, it was my bad but oh well
>get together with another person (ended up being a rebound)
>mid this year we break up and I think
>"maybe I could try being friends with the first guy again" (we did sort of end on that note)
>reply is "up to you"
>oh boy this man isn't worth it, just tell him OK nevermind then
>next day my recent ex (the rebound one) messages me telling me that someone anonymous was telling him shit about me
>anon was saying I was playing games with him and break up and get back together etc etc and playing games like I did with the first guy before
>to be honest at the time with the first guy I did that because I was 1. immature 2. wanted attention or 3. genuinely trying to get away but failing at the time
>anon also says that I contacted first guy a few days after breaking up with him
>how'd they know this
>oh it's the girl
>I confront her
>confront first guy
>he gets mad at me for accusing him for trying to sabotage me
>says he has nothing to do with it
>well fair, I apologise
>nothing to do with it huh
>but he also said this girl regularly bashed me to him before
>he still told her about me asking to be friends with him
>Well I'm not saying it's wrong for telling, but saying he has nothing to do with it is a stretch
>well whatever, end of convo
>a few days later I think a bit and decide to apologise to both of them
>I tell the girl I'm sorry for what I've done to her in the past and whatever she did I forgive her because she did grow up in a fucked up place with tons of paranoia
>she replies me back that she's sorry too (except that she's just this way)
>first guy says ok
>girl still blocks me well whatever
I know I'm not free from fault and however I reacted was really bad in a strong way at the times. I was stupid last year. But damn I feel like a bad person, or like, I feel like I've been wronged. This stuff has been haunting me for pretty much the entire year and I've had a few mental breakdowns over it. I feel like I'm the only person reflecting on what they've done or try to form any sort of self awareness.
Shit sucks and I still feel dead inside from being rejected and losing my best friend(s)
Well my current situation isn't anything much but advice would be nice
>currently in a small server
>he's there too
>we don't contact or talk ever
It hurts seeing it and well, I'd like some advice to get over it. I can't leave the server yet because I'm there for business purposes (it's a company server, most members are there to buy products/support). It's been a year already and I still feel very hurt. I don't know where I exactly I went wrong or if I am actually completely wrong and a shitty person. I've been beating myself up continuously. It seriously sucks that these people think I'm the bad person but I feel like that's not the case. I'm not fault free but their absolute lack of self awareness is jarring. What do I do?
Sorry for vent
This is very hard to follow with just "the girl" "the guy" "the other guy"
…but it sounds like you broke up online friendships over nothing/they broke up over nothing. Get new friends and a new server/group. And try for irl friends, not online manipulators
>been there>got the t-shirt
how old are you guys?>>101555
uuuuuuuuh. why are you having another
kid with him???
Then you honestly asked for this. Wtf kind of an idiot are you?
>husband is shit during first pregnancy>lets have more!
Clearly, something is wrong with you.
He didn’t treat me like shit by hitting me, or calling me names. It was more so that he refused to acknowledge it for a while, stopped holding my hand in public and would walk too fast for me too keep up with my pregnant waddle, didn’t want to kiss or cuddle it did as soon as I gave birth, it was anything abusive by it definitely made the pregnancy harder. We were young and they were unplanned I chalked it up to stress.
And it’s not a mater of ‘lol just leave’ I have nowhere to go, he’s my only friend and I’m completely ostracised from my family.
He’d promised he’d be better this time around but I’m just feeling like it’s going to be the same
It’s less than stellar, but I wouldn’t call it abusive…
And I don’t think I have to worry about him cheating on me…
Thank you, this is actually helpful, I'll just eventually do the thing>>101564
we're 20. I know we're young, I know I'll get over it, but eventhough I "know" it doesn't make it easier to actually do something about it >>101558
He's not 'just' nice, I meant he's like the best friend I've ever had, with good sex. But yeah he's a child, not even a manchild.
I just don't know how to…do the break up.I've broken up with guys before, but this is different, we're not constantly getting into arguments, so how do I even bring it up ? This is so stupid I know, I sound like a 15yo.
I can't even bear thinking about the face he'll make, I'll just be a fucking traitor to him
Did you agree to the first pregnancy or was it an accident? He's 20 and obviously not comfortable with the situation, but it takes 2 to get pregnant and if he didn't want a baby, he should have used protection. He know people will judge him for having 2 kids at such a young age.
Do you live together? Are you able to take care of 2 kids in case he decides he doesn't want to be part of this anymore? You need to call him out if he does anything similar during your second pregnancy or else he will learn that it's okay to treat you like crap.
ffs, your husband being a dick about having a baby
doesn't not amount to a "rocky part of a relationship".
I've been casually seeing/sleeping with a guy for about a month and a half. We usually see eachother once a week, go on a date, and then go back to one of our houses.
The problem is, I've gotten myself worked up and nervous about doing things wrong or badly sexually. Before this guy, I was with my first boyfriend who liked me a lot more than I liked him, and was quite inexperienced, so he was easy to please and I didn't feel that much pressure- I didn't really care if he thought I did something stupid, etc. My experience other than that has been two bad one night stands, and sleeping with a friend for a couple of months (but I had vaginismus and he had ED from antidepressants so mostly he just gave me oral- no skills learned!). I never touched a penis til I was 22.
I'm not very emotionally involved with the new guy, but I feel like my nerves have built up into a big wall which means that I'm too afraid to do anything to him except let him penetrate me, which is kinda boring, and the anxiety of not wanting to get things wrong makes me uncomfortable during sex. Plus he is fairly giving in the bedroom, so I feel selfish. I got a friend to give me a bunch of blow job tips one time before I met him, but in the end the stress of trying to remember the things she told me wigged me out even more, and I actually gave up and said 'I don't know what I'm doing, then shortly after started crying when we were doing doggy (I was very very drunk- I think i partially cried from physical pain and also because I suddenly realised doggy makes me feel like I'm not a person). He was very kind and apologised a lot, and has said at later dates he understands I am nervous about certain things but obviously that incident made me even more nervous about embarrassing myself.
I wish I could just start on a blank slate- neither of us are looking for anything serious, so I don't want my neuroses to get in the way, or even really be a subject of discussion. Maybe I am stupid for pursuing a mostly sexual relationship when I obviously have a lot of issues around sex, but I really want to enjoy it.
/vent . Any farmers have any idea of how to Men in black neuralyze my brain from my insecurity around sex?
it was really nothing serious. we were all part of the same discord server and my bf felt that everyone was against him just because they had a few disagreements about how to run a server
i feel like it's been blown up into this huge thing that is really unnecessary and the fact that he can't let it go is frustrating no matter how i try to help
Ah okay, so he was hurt that you didn't side with him? It would make sense if they had been disrespectful towards him, but he's acting weird and controlling.
You don't sound like you want to be in a relationship with him anymore and that's enough reason to break up with him
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Not sure if I should post here or in the general advice thread, but idk how to help my bf out.
He's become really really closed off and cold since he came home from his work trip in Russia a week ago. He's been working there for 12 hours 6 days a week so I understood that he didn't have time to talk and that he was tired. It's been almost a week since he's been home and he's become distant, he's never been like that before. Usually he'll message me in the morning or at least tell me when he's off to bed but now it's silence unless I message him first and the interaction is just…cold. No emojis or anything.
I asked him what's wrong and he said he's tired and has no motivation for anything, which does explain it but it's just never been this bad and I'm worried. Yesterday he didn't log on after saying he's going to the gym (after I had to ask him) and I honestly panicked because usually he logs on so at least I know he's home. I have anxiety so my mind jumps to the worst possible conclusions, which are usually that he might hurt himself or got hurt. In the past he used to have to be hospitalized because he'd get extremely upset/stressed and it made him sick and what not, so yea, I'm worried. I'm also not in contact with his friends or family so it's not like I can just ask someone to check up on him and I live an hour away in a different city but don't have a car. So far I've been using whatsapp to see if he logs on, it sort of eases my mind if he does. He also has instagram so he might be spending more time there, but I can't tell if he's online since I follow him from an old sock account he doesn't know is mine. And I guess there's no way to know if he's online without sending him a message? Or him liking stuff, which he almost never does.
I asked him today if there's anything I could to to help him, he said to leave him alone. I want to respect that but I'm worried af. I told him that if he'll need anyone to talk to that I'm here for him but he said no. Is there anything else I can do or do i have to just wait it out?
Have you straight up told him that you're very worried about him, both his health and the fact that your relationship is becoming more distant and cold? If you've already brought up how this is affecting you, leave it at that and give him some space.
Chances are the job put him into a state of exhaustion and he just needs time to recharge. Sorry to drag myself into this, but I want to give you some reassurance. I've had a similar problem where my boyfriend was adjusting to his new job, and we were pretty distant for 2 months even though we were living together. He even told me he didn't love me anymore, he would actively avoid me, but it was severe depression that simultaneously made him both suicidal and numb to everything he used to care about. It was hell, but now our relationship is even stronger than ever and he treats me like royalty. If your boyfriend always treated you well, that part of him is still there. He is simply going through a rough patch, and needs space and time to recharge and sort out his emotions. When someone withdraws, don't constantly pester them. You've already shown him that you care; reassure him that you'll give him as much space as he needs, but you'll always be there for him.
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Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm not the person you're responding to, but I'm going through something similar and things seems to be getting better the more space I give my bf instead of trying to help him
Yes, I told him that.
My anxiety is just making me worried so I'm probably overreacting to the whole thing and making myself more annoying than I should be. I'll try to leave him alone for the weekend, check up on him on Monday if there's no response and see how that'll go. Thank you!>>101742
We see each other every few weeks since he's been traveling a lot this year, we both work in different cities so there's that.
pls no ldrs don't work get out crap
Agree on a food gift if they are hosting. Always well-received. Dress modestly and in a feminine and formal-ish manner (ask what he's going to wear). Offer to help cleaning up after dinner if ghat's the situation. As for buying/baking something, it's ultimately up to you. If you like cooking and are decent and have the time, making something and packaging it up nicely is lovely. But buying something is nice, too. It's mostly about displaying gratitude towards the hostess, and showing you know enough about etiquette to know you should bring something. Even if they say oh you didn't have to and you shouldn't have, they aren't going to think less of you for it.
Ask them about their lives. Find out what they like talking about and express an interest in it. If you're having dinner with them, blow them away with a thank you card after saying how lovely it was meeting them and hearing about [insert what they talked about] and how you look forward to seeing them again. Good manners never go out of style.
Anon you are an idiot. Are you sure he even likes you? Just because he's a 'good father' doesn't mean you should have another kid with him.>>Our relationship>>Relationship
That's cute. This isn't a relationship. You are only staying with him because you have no where else to go lol you said so yourself. Having another baby with this man isn't going to get him to like you sorry.
He didn't think things could work out. I just let him go. He changed as a person; he's became selfish, angry (he changed from a loving sub to a sadist), distant. The kind, gentle man I loved is long gone.>>101837
I cried so much (not in front of him though, I was a complete stone). I was fighting a lot for our relationship, but I shouldn't have to. I figured since he was depressed I should pick up the slack, but it wasn't just that. He didn't love me… It hurts but I can find someone that treats me better. But first I need to work on myself.