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No. 10587
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>>10586me.
I struggle with ADHD, chronic insomnia, bipolar disorder, autism, OCD and Anxiety Disorder. it fucking sucks. What hurts me the most is how they affect the relationships i have with people. I don't believe any guy would ever date me because my mood constantly changes and sometimes i'm really complicated and yeah. like you can tell i have issues because even if i try to act "normal" my mental illnesses kick in and it messes up everything. but i dont tell anyone about my mental illnesses because theyll make fun of me like "ahahhaa autistic people are fucking stupid lmao" or "people with bipolar disorder are all attention whores and theyre fucking crazy". you're not alone, OP.
No. 10775
I have pretty serious depression and have for a long time. Seems like no matter what medication I take, none of it really works. If I take less it doesn't work, if I take more it negatively impacts the rest of my life. If I do find a balance that works, it only takes a few months to where my body I guess grows immune to it and I need more, and the cycle returns.
Even when I'm on a working cycle of medications, it doesn't help all that much. I'm still aware deep down of my depression. I can't just turn it off. I'm never going to be better. This is just how my brain works.
It gets hard to explain to loved ones that it's just how I am. I can put on a brave face and act. I don't "seem" depressed, as people like to put it. But I am.
It's so hard to function and keep pushing forward when your brain keeps telling you it's not worth it, nothing is really worth it, and you're not worth it.
And then people who aren't depressed try to encourage me and make me feel better but they just don't get it. And I understand why they don't get it, because it sounds stupid as fuck to people who don't have depression. And I wish I were one of those people who didn't have depression.
But I do.
I keep trying to find meaning in life but I'm not truly stimulated by anything. I shop a lot, shopping is like drugs, and I don't want to do actual drugs. I used to drink a lot but it was (obviously) negatively impacting my health. Even on medications, I'm just kind of….never really happy, never really sad, maybe just more optimistic.
I hate it so much…
No. 10788
>>10775>>10785Anti-depressants don't work on the majority of sufferers in the long term. Harder drugs may also temporarily abate your depression but obviously that's even less sustainable and much more dangerous.
Maybe in 100 years there will be some more effective treatments, but for the time being the only real options are mind techniques, therapy, and simply holding tight.
No. 10794
>>10788Yeah, exactly. It gets really old hearing people who "cured their depression" (lol) with antidepressants. I'm sure you can become depressed following some event but when there's a reason, you know that eventually the depression will lift, or at least that it's possible to life. When there's no reason – you're just depressed – it's like you're lying to yourself.
It makes me feel very selfish and stupid that I can't just stop being depressed. But I literally can't do anything about it except kill myself.
No. 11019
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I have anxiety,depression that i'm curing right now as fast as i can but I still have a HUGE problem with my body dysmorphia and ED, i find myself disgustingly fat when i am at a ""healthy weight"" (161cm and like 54kg at most) i fucking hate being ""healthy"" it's too fucking fat,i should be like 45kg to be totally ok, and since i'm on this forum it's like it's getting worse somehow…i just want to be like a perfect kawaii doll, i always look up to those thin cute girls on tumblr and shit i'm so fucking retarded and sad.
I cried yesterday when i saw a lolcow being called "kinda chub" and took it personally when we don't even really have the same body or remotely the same face. But i can't anymore,i am so tired of not sleeping at night from looking at my body in the mirror at every angle and trying to accept myself but crying and pinching hard my body fat,fearing food or eating in front of people,i'm just so fucking disgusted and scared, i don't want to get older or get wrinkled and get even uglier, i am scared of gaining a single kg, i compare myself all the time to every girl. It's getting unbearable…I made a sad attempt in trying to accept myself by collecting pics of girls with the same body/legs/tummy/…as me but i'm like "they are extra cute, their body is adorable, but i look really ugly,this body type is ugly on me"
Pic related if you wanna get an idea (same tummy and same legs as her)
No. 11023
It's not really depression. But I'm 21, I did have depression round about my late teens and it's gone.
Now I'm suffering from panic attacks and chest pains. It's fucking terrifying. I have this never ending cough too, some days its gone and others I can't stop. Panic attacks happen here and there, not all the time and for no reason.
I went to the doctor he was like "you're breathing and heart rate is fine" then told me I need to help myself relax and deep breath ect all that bs.
Last night, I started feeling heavy in the chest and this time I kept getting pains. It's scary, I know I should NOT self diagnose especially using google. But I had to look it up, I started crying and it got worse. I don't want to go back to the doctor because they don't help. I doubt I need to get hospital treatment or anything, there is nothing wrong with me.
I remember when I was 14, this started happening too. Not nearly as bad but my breathing and heavy chests, I did not sleep for 3 days straight and I begged my mother to sleep at the bottom of her bed because I was so afraid. It was during the summer holidays too, bored shitless didn't help whereas if I were in school, I think workload would have taken my mind off it.
It stopped after a week.
Now years later, it's back. I don't know what to do really. I fall asleep easily enough though, so I assume I'm fine.
Sometimes I don't even tell my family anymore. It's pointless, they keep saying "it'll be okay". So I don't say much now. I just deal with them, alone in my room.
I dunno, if anything happens to me then so be it I guess. When I really truly think about it, my life hasn't been that great for a few years. Selfish to say but if anything were to happen then I guess I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.
No. 11025
>>11023i started getting episodes like you described. they started three years ago, but they haven't happened in almost a year (thank god). i didn't know it was an anxiety/panic attack, but it seems to fit the description. trouble breathing, accelerated heart rate, feeling nervous as FUCK, chest feels like it will implode, and derealization. i have no idea what would cause it. sometimes i'd start crying and feeling like i'm going to vomit.
in hindsight, i think it was caused by overall stress in life in conjunction with not enough sleep and a less than great diet. i also cut out the shitty people from my life. eventually i told my mom about my episodes, and she told me that i probably am eating weird things. she's a nurse, too… then my boyfriend, the only other person i told, said it sounded like i was having an anxiety attack.
i hope you feel better, anon. it's not really helpful to say, i know, but try to not think about it when it happens. zoning out or, if possible, trying to sleep off the nervous feeling helps. if i started thinking about it as it was happening, it got WAY worse.
No. 11048
>>11019I feel, Anon.
I'm actually a bit tubby (117lb, 5'2.5)
More like really tubby, I guess. But I can't stop eating, and I eat everything in front of me. Even when I got the stomach flu I ate everything in sight, and couldn't help it. The only way I would be able to control it is if you tied my arms behind my back, and even then I would probably find a way.
And it's really terrible because I lack confidence in my weight and try to calculate how far my stomach goes out in centimeters everyday, and look disappointed in the mirror and then remember "oh yeah. You did this. You did this to yourself."
I hate it so much and I cannot stop eating. Sometimes I wish I was anorexic so I would stop eating.
No. 11050
>>11023Yes, this!
>>11025Also, you honestly do sound like you're still a bit depressed.
No. 11055
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>>11019Wow anon girl your body must look cute you have nothing to worry about
please take care of yourself and leave lolcow for your own good. Lots of anons got some skewed body image and beauty standards here calling some people fat when they arent in the slightest or even chub/round. (looking at you kota thread).
>>11048You sound like you got something similiar to bulimia idk you should getvhelp for that but your weight is perfectly fine you aren't tubby. Maybe it got distributed in some way or another that displease you but i am sure it isnt as bad as you think. We are our worst judges after all. Please take care of you anon dear and also think about leaving ""negative"" sites like lolcow (let's be honest for a second lolcow isnt exactly the cutest happiest most heartwarming place so yeah and as said previously lots of anons with messed up beauty standards and self image so it can influence you.
To all the other anons please be careful and take good care of yourselves i am sure it will be gone or get better one day. Take baby steps and be safe. i sound super tumblr but i went through a lot of shit and it makes me feel so sad for all of you there bc i exactly know how it feels for the most and it's something i would not wish on even my worst ennemy. Even if she's a bitch that stained my burando. You guys can do it so please don't commit suicide or anything trust me. Half the people who jumped down the Golden Bridge and survived realized halfway their fall that all their problems could be solved so there is hope i guess? I sound like a gigantic fgt but yeah. please take care of yourselve
No. 15136
>>10586Yep. PDDNOS (I guess, the diagnosis apparently isn't given out anymore) and probably some depression and anxiety too. I'm a really shitty friend too. I cancel plans a lot and am pretty bad at responding to texts. I'm really surprised that my friends haven't given up on me yet. I don't like leaving the house much either. I've thankfully improved my people skills, but I'm still awkward as fuck
My parents are more than accommodating about it and are willing support me through school. The original plan was to go through community college and transfer to a four year. I managed to get a (useless associates) and tried four year for a bit towards a degree that makes a bit but was soul-crushing, but it wasn't working out. I'm at a tech school right now for something I'm interested in but makes shit pay because I just want to get the work force and support myself, but I'm having second thoughts about it.
I guess all I want is just a career that I can put my 9-5, make enough, and not want to kill myself, if I can't NEET it up the rest of my life. I still don't know what that career is and I'm afraid I'm wasting too much time figuring. I'm afraid since my people skills suck I'll always struggle in the workforce and even though I'm on the ~*~autism spectrum~*~, I'm not all that smart and all the baggage that comes with it makes it easy to do bad in school, the only place where being smart really matters. Plus everything I'm interested in makes shit pay and requires a lot of networking.
I used to be on meds, but I quit cold a couple years back before I hated how they made me feel. It worked out, but I'm pretty sure the antidepressants that fucked up my sex drive. Definitely can't commit to a relationship, but even if I could dunno if I'm too gay to identify as bi, too anxious/asexual/depressed to identify as up for sex, and too annoyed with the asexual community to deal with anyone from it.
I just feel like I'm lagging far behind everyone else in my life and I'll never be able to support myself on my own. All I really want is to be a shut-in and not deal with anyone, but I'd be too ashamed with myself if I ever did that.
Whelp, this has been pretty cathartic. Sorry to write out my whole life's story lol.
No. 43725
>>15136Your post reminded me a lot of myself.
I dropped uni for a bit in order to go full time at my retail job so that I could afford to move out of my parents' house. It's been the best thing I could've ever done for myself since I now have space of my own. All my other friends graduated years ago and have been actually accomplishing something with their lives while I felt like I was falling further and further behind. Now I at least have a bit of self respect for myself since I'm standing on my own two feet even if funds are tight.
Now I want to get back to school next spring and finish my degree (only three more classes to go) so that I can stand a better chance of getting a decent paying 9-5 whitecollar job somewhere.
I'm only suicidal sometimes, but I usually just sleep it off when I feel too bad. Sometimes I feel like I'm sleeping my life away, but that's probably better than being dead. I still have hopes and dreams even if they're only small ones.
I hope I can keep my crazy contained long enough to finish school. It's just so hard for me to focus on my classes and actually study when the depression/apathy/tiredness hits.
>>43680Bipolar or borderline personality disorder? I have bipolar though I am currently unmedicated–can't afford a doctor or meds. I just started using the DBSA Wellness Tracker app and I hope it'll help me talk to my doctor about it when I can get back. Maybe it could help you, too, if you decide to see a doctor later–you would have been tracking your symptoms, which will help with a diagnosis.
Either way, why would you ever have to tell your boss that much info about your health? I'd keep that shit underwraps–no one needs the stigma of having a mental illness at work.
>>43687Congrats on giving up cigarettes. The job market really sucks right now–best of luck finding a better one.
No. 44080
>>10586I have anxiety and depression but the insomnia is the worst - I have no job because of it and quit studying. The worst part of it is that I had only one friend to begin with and my boyfriend has left me. My family don't live in this country anymore but have left the home for me to live in. I'm also in the middle of an argument with my only other relatives and have been emotionally abused by them for years.
I'm genuinely almost at the end of the line and have wanted to take my own life, but I can't because I don't have the heart to give my animals away or leave them, as they'll also die or be in someone else's care and I love them so much.
I cant get my mind off moving from the UK to the USA to start again but obviously I have zero funds and mental illness standing in the way.
Has anyone got any suggestions on what they'd do? Because I've been contemplating joining a dating website specifically for people who need an arrangement. Is that bad? I feel so alone in the world and I want to leave the UK.
Ok I haven't really broken up with my boyfriend, though he has gone on a break with me and there's still a chance I'll never see him again, since he hasn't said "I'll talk to you on (insert day)"…
I feel stuck and desperate.
No. 44097
>>44093Thank you for you reply anon, and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that. I couldn't live without my cat and he's all I have.
I'm even questioning the career path I tried to take - I went to college for a business subject and can't tell if the depression is making me quit the past two years and do nothing with my diploma or if I genuinely want to work with animals and leave everything in my past behind.
No. 44320
>>44297Lots of mental illnesses are stigmatized but if your doctor is any good he/she won't be judging you for it. They are there to help you. Aside from them no one else needs to know.
Go get help anon. I only wish I had someone to push me to get help for my problems sooner because I spent a lot of time wallowing in sadness and being unable to move on with my life.
No. 44325
>>44320Thanks. I've had a bit of time to calm down and I know I need to see a professional. I'm getting desperate.
I don't have a general doctor; do I need to see one for a referral or can I just approach local therapists who advertise specializing in BPD, depression, and bipolar? (Pretty sure I have BPD, but my family has a history of people with bipolar and self-diagnosing is probably stupid).
No. 44338
>>44325You would only need a referral if you were going in-network, and even then not all health care providers require one. If you actually go see a mental health professional that works for your insurance they're going to talk to you for 30 minutes and write you a prescription, however. If you instead find a local therapist who's unaffiliated with your insurance provider you're a lot more likely to get actual therapy. Some of them will still take your insurance, which would save you a lot of money, but many refuse to work with insurance companies because they can be a huge headache for them. If they have a website, and most do, they should specify which insurances they take, if any.
This is my experience with mental health care in America, by the way, so it may not apply if you live anywhere else.
No. 44911
>>44908also i worked in fast food (Chipotle), and i'm not sure if it was that high stress. it was really physically exhausting and i'd like to not do it again, but a lot of the time i'd just be back in the kitchen and chill and wash dishes. you also don't have to take a drug test.
getting certified in random things helps too. like tech stuff. i don't really know much about that tho.
good luck!
No. 44915
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struggling atm. life sucks atm.
tfw you're so poor you take showers in the rain cause you don't have water in your house
and youre using your neighbors wifi
No. 44917
>>44910Mostly due to distance. It'd need to be in walking distance because a lot of people don't consider the bus reliable transportation.
And to the kindly chipotle worker, I could do something like chipotle, but my family has horror stories of places like burger king and having management that all but threatens you all day and works you to the bone. I can't do getting yelled at constantly. My mind starts slipping.
No. 44939
>>44921I want to let you know the same thing happened to me on my 20th birthday. It took me years to get past it and I felt like such an easy slut because I "allowed" myself to be drunkenly drugged and raped by some random guy I didn't know in my own house at my own party. Because I didn't know him and no one else seemed to (or at least no one would own up to having brought him there), I couldn't press charges or do ANYTHING. I felt so hopeless. It ruined every single friendship I had with everyone who was at that party, and I withdrew from everyone else and just…mentally died.
Therapy helped only to the point that I could talk openly about what happened without someone openly pitying me. It may work for you but it was probably not pivotal in my recovery. It took a lot of drinking and self harm (not that I would recommend that)and alone time and introspection and now 6 years later I feel like I've moved on from that particular situation, but I still feel weird about celebrating my birthday and I'm definitely a changed person.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know you're not alone.
No. 44948
>>44917Nobody screamed at me at Chipotle. It was stressful sometimes, esp during lunch time when we were understaffed.
Also I worked with a lot of kids so I don't think you'd need your own car.
But if you're not willing to take up a low status job OR get training, then what's the point of being so adamant about not getting benefits?
>>44939Was it GHB or what? You were probably just blacked out. Whatevs.
No. 44952
>>44948I don't mind a low status job, but I have done job exercises before and some of them really fucked me up hard, and I flaked under the pressure.
Well, I'd need my own car to get around! Mcd's is a good 3 and a half mile walk away, even. There was a janitorial position I liked (for minimum wage) but unfortunately it was a good 8 miles off and required private transportation, which the lolcraigslist ad was adamant about.
No. 45468
Serious question that I have no clue who to ask: it's normal to think through potential conversations with others in your head, right? Like I would say this and they'd react like that and then I'd react like this and they'd say that…? Except thinking it through in real time and reacting emotionally to whatever my hypothetical conversation partner says.
>>45362I'm a different anon. You just gotta remember that the social security net is there for a reason. If you qualify for disability then you are entitled to it. Don't let misplaced pride get in the way of improving your life.
No. 45526
>>45501Thanks. I feel a bit better, but I think I've gone a few steps too far: I'm so good at imagining conversations that I sometimes think I've actually already talked to someone about whatever we "discussed." I haven't hung out with my friends more than a handful of times in the past few years, but still feel close to them since I imagine how they would react to things. I can't think of anything to say when I do actually see them since it's all already been "said."
Yeah, definitely unhealthy, but crazy unhealthy or just need to force myself out of the house functioning levels of insanity?
No. 64620
>>10586Well, my diagnosis fluctuates between being just dysthymic and having clinical depression with suicidal thoughts .
My upbringing wasn’t really the best when I was a child, hell, my parents didn't give two shits about me so I was raised by my grandma, and kids made fun of me and hit me, so I think at some point during my childhood something finally snapped inside my brain and I stopped feeling joy or enthusiasm for living.
I feel broken and useless, I always waited for the opportunity to finally kill myself but im just too scared of physical pain to do it.
I stoped taking my sertralin recently. I took 3 everyday for the last 3 years and nothing. The public health services in my country suck ass so really, the last time I talked with my useless therapist was half a year ago, and she had declared herself incompetent with my case at the time and wanted to redirect me to a psychiatrist.
I'm unemployed, I barely graduated like 4 years ago and I couldn't made it to university. Im still living with my parents. Recently my dad told me I was a horrible selfish person and my mom confesed that she never really wanted to have kids but she have one for the pressure. My dog is dying and my granny is growing too old and is already giving me tips about what to do in case I find her dead one day.
I hate myself, I barely eat yet im still being a gross fatass, im losing all my hair and I cant stop picking and cutting my skin to the point im full of gross brown scars.
Some days I just want to die, but im a coward so I keep pushing and see how horrible thinks can get before I finally decide on what to do. Im fucking useless.