/ot/ - off-topic

I've had bipolar since I was 19 and am now in my mid 20s. it is so degenerative. comorbid with bpd, adhd and partially onset by trauma. without medication my schizoaffective tendencies worsen, as they have been the last 2 years. yay for not being able to afford medication

I am terribad at tracking my manic depressive cycles, suffered a lot the past couple years with extreme paranoia, some of which was actual some of which was psychosis. it's miraculous I haven't succumbed to a seizure.

it takes a physical toll on my body just to inhabit the world with my brain, it's like my cognition is melting day by day

>>1540760
I get you nonnie. I am yet to be fully diagnosed but am in the process, I'm 22 as of this year and I feel such imposter syndrome, I don't feel sick at all but everything hits me with such intensity and I can't help but burn bridges and act in socially unacceptable ways. I feel also that the huge instability (hospitalizations,ruining relationships etc) will never go away, but I do see positives, such as how proficient it makes me at my school and work. I know I am extremely smart in my field, but I wonder if it was worth it to go through so much just to become who I am today. World salad but maybe someone can relate.

ive wanted to start medication to manage my irritability during my mania but my doctor prescribed me something that I would have to get regular blood tests for, i dont have transportation and the testing clinic is the next town over. it took me months alone to get transportation to see the doctor once and they expect me to haul my schizo ass down to the clinic to test my dumbass blood 6 times a year? guess ill just be cranky as shit. Fuck

>>1541088

i've heard about anti pyschotic shots that you go to once a month. what are you taking that reqiures you to get blood tests?

i am on lamictal and have been for the past 3 months. haven't noticed a difference yet but i also haven't had an episode yet. only time will tell with these crazy pills.

A friend of mine had mental breakdown and is in the process of correcting her diagnose (either bp or schizo).
She's not taking very well, especially the possibility of being schizo.

What kind of help would you want from friends?

>>1541456
It's really hard coming down from meltdowns and having to admit your shame/mentall illness to the people around you.

After my episodes I usually just shut myself from people for months and then come back after I feel better.
I didn't think about it at the time but it honestly caused a lot of bridges to be burned and I lost friends over it.

If she is someone you truly care about then I would just be there for her and understand that whatever pushback/frustration/anger she gives is from the shame of her illness and not ill intention.

People with schizo/bipolar kill relationships in general. I don't know her but from what I've read about what manic episodes have caused people to do then you might want to distance yourself with her as much as you can. Lest she steal your identity and spend $20,000 on your credit card.

Jokes aside best of luck to you and your friend nonna.

>>1541456
Be there for her, listen to and support her the best you can. Lending an ear is one of the best things you can do, don't even need to give advice. Just listen, respond a little if she asks anything, but mostly listen, be gingerly about it I guess. It's hard to be in a delusional or broken down state

agreeing with what >>1541460 said

>>1541040
I haven't been hospitalized since I was a minor but the way I self isolate and distance from others causes me to burn bridges if it's not some kind of freak out that leads it. I lost one friend for not immediately telling her I was bipolar, bpd, etc, everything was going swimmingly until I had a panic attack when drunk at a club. She wouldn't let me leave and I ended up sobbing. It's always natural distance, fearing I will have a meltdown and being unable to articulate my thoughts, or an actual meltdown that completely incinerates every friendship or attachment I have in flames. It was better pre pandemic, then I completely lost my senses to being re traumatized.

I've lost my efficiency too. I used to be so good at fixating on my work and I'm lazy in that now. I keep dragging my baggage around when I want to torch it and watch it burn, and find a new pursuit in life. I think I've found what I've wanted to do and I'm going to get it, but will people be able to tolerate a stick of idiotic dynamite like me enough to keep me away from a life of decrepit failure?

Ah, I found my people. Finally. Hope nobody minds me dumping my life story here because I always wanted to vent about it and don't have guts to tell it irl even to my closest friends and family.
So, I always was a pretty weird kid. Kinda ugly, no friends, only hanged out with guys cause I liked typical male hobbies like playing football or vidya. No one wanted to be friends with me though, cause girls thought I was weird, and guys wanted to hang out with cute alt girls, not some fat ugly freak like me. It made me very insecure about myself and my high school teacher once flat out told me I was a cat lady in making. Damn. With my family, it wasn't all that nice either. My mom was loyally screwed up by my dad's family. They forced her to sell her small business and took all the money. My mom cowtowed before them and they were very unhappy about me being GNC. So she forced me to dress girly and beat me regularly cause I was ugly and hated dressing nicely. Also because I didn't clean my room, but well, that's on me. Dad was like that too. Once he told me he regretted having a daughter like that.
Anyway, my dad started cheating on my mom. And not just cheating, it was with my mom's best friend. She was furious about it and regularly got into arguments with my dad and he physically abused her. Once she came home and she was all bruised and bloody and told me she fell down a flight of stairs. Well, the truth was that dad beat the shit out of her. She became more desperate and tried to kill herself via slitting her wrists. I was at home back than. So I called the ambulance and dragged her downstairs than quickly went up to mop up the blood so our neighbors wouldn't see anything.
They divorced in the end but my dad didn't get together with his new gf so he started drinking heavily. Mom still loved him and tried to help with his drinking problem. I did too, cause he was still my dad and all. I regularly went to his home to cook food for him and he was just sitting there like a statue with a look like he gonna die any second. I guess if you saw people with alcoholic delirium you know what I'm talking about.
My brother didn't help either. We are in good relationship and always were good friends, but I was jealous of him because he was everything that I wasn't: charming, good looking, quick to learn. He became a pro athlete and moved to another city to sports boarding school when he was 13. I wished that I can live alone and don't be bothered by my family.
Anyway, I enrolled into university and hoped it would be better there since there would be no school bullies. But my group acted nasty towards me and bullied me all the time. I complained to the dean asked her to place me to another group, but she refused. Then I started heaving my first depressive episodes. I seriously considered dropping out of university but mom talked me down. I was miserable for all six years cause I was bullied and ridiculed all the time. And it wasn't just me, the guys in the group also bullied another girl. She was sweet and friendly but very shy and awkward and looked kinda dorky. Anyway, after that I tried to kill myself a couple of times, but always chickened out… I wouldn't tell the method but it was slow and every time I felt like passing out I quit. After that I got my first manic episode. It made me very agressive and unhinged. Also I got into ED stuff and started quickly losing weight. To control my anger outbursts I started self harm, cause it was the only way I can keep my emotions in check (cutting and biting myself felt almost calming kek). At the time I moved in to my mom's place and always started going out late and spend nights walking around the city. One time my mom and brother catches me, dragged me home and took away my phone. They looked through my social media and started ridiculing me for following ED accounts. I asked them to stop and give my phone back, but they refused and provided to yell at me for being a fuck up for the rest of the night. My mom even waked my grandma and asked her to come to our place. She than also said she was disappointed in me and looked like she is about to have a heart attack. I was so sad that my grandma might die because of me, I wished I could disappear. Then I asked my parents to call a psychiatrist and make an appointment. Well, after that I was diagnosed with bipolar. The doctor was a nice lady and the best person I've met in my life honestly. Although she was very concerned about me hearing voices and that I told her that other people can read my thoughts. So she put me on some heavy duty meds. But after that it all got better and I just took stuff like fluanxol and respiridone which I can tolerate better.
I had only two hypimanic episodes since than and even though I feel much better, I still feel sad that I missed put on the best days of my life. I could have lived my life much better if only my family dragged me to the doctor much earlier. Everybody told me that I need to see a specialist but they were ashamed to have a weird kid.
My mom was diagnosed with bipolar too after that. We kinda bonded over it and understand each other. I not really mad for what she did before, because she was fucked up in her own ways and it's really not her fault that she took out her anger on me. Well, maybe it's wrong, but I forgave her.
Now I feel like I got the short end of the stick and even though my life goes in the right direction and I managed to graduate and get a good job, I still feel like a failure. I can't get back all these years that I wasted being depressed or whatever and honestly wish that I can be 16 again. I'm 15 now, maybe it's not too old, but that's just not fair. Everyone got to enjoy their life except me.

Don't know if this is the right place to say this but here it goes..

I have times where I go manic or feel like I will go manic and have no way of stopping it until it actually happens
Usually when I go manic I go on a giant crying and screaming phase and start feeling sort of paranoid
Paranoid in the sense that I believe everyone has been lying to me all this time and no one actually cares about me
This has become much less frequent lately but I feel one coming on and I am doing my best to be logical about my feelings and not reach my boiling point
I don't take care of myself at all and I am typing this while not having eaten for like 12 hours now
Should I seek a bpd diagnosis or is this just some sort of deep depression?

>>1540749
IDK if BPD is similar to bipolar in the way it feels or not but the threapic feels so true for me. I was diagnosed provisionally at 17 but the psychiatrist was pretty sure I had it. I think it's mainly due to childhood bullying for me.

It's five years later now and I just finished coming off my meds a week ago, I forgot how crazy I used to feel. I was randomly giggling, crying, having panic attacks for the first time in forever. Pretty sure that's just withdrawal though and also because I got my contraceptive implant out at the same time.

When i'm about to go insane I get really hyped and want to work out a ton or study or something. When i'm about to have a low period I sleep a lot. I don't think it affects my hunger at all? IDK. I don't really remember what it felt like when I was really sick, I've blocked most of that out.

>>1541449
i take lamictal as well, along with Effexor. if you want to stop taking lamictal do NOT quit cold turkey, if you able to please do it with medical supervision. I forgot to take my dose 2 days in a row and I felt like a fucking junkie, i was sweaty and could not stop physically shaking.

>>1541503

This is an amazing story. You are an impressive person and I hope/believe/know your best days are ahead. Youth is shit anyway nona

>>1541503
You've really been through a lot, I feel like you don't understand how strong and courageous you are. I often feel the "wanna be 16 again" thing, but it's honestly your mind trying to trick you. Being a teen isn't all that great, what will be great is the life you build yourself as you grow to understand yourself, your passions, and your true desires that will lead you to contentment, happiness and fulfillment. Thank you for sharing, and I wish you true joy and success in your life's journey.

>>1541824
>>1541781
Thank you, nonnas. It felt very nice sharing my story and that somebody read it.
I agree on the youth stuff. But still I can't help but feel like crap because youth is very valued in our society. I think with tiktok and insta it became very fashionable since now young people can reach popularity way easier. And naturally, glamorous young people get the spotlight. It's kinda fucked up that I tell myself that this constructed and heavily curated shit on social media is all fake but the image is very intriguing. Also idk, but I guess other nonnas would agree that our disorder took away many happy moments from our life. It usually starts at young adulthood or late teens and it's hard not to think how life would be different if it didn't start.
Also, not to start another meta discourse, but did anyone noticed how bipolar is a less glamorous disorder to have? You see fakers faking autism or anxiety, but rarely any bipolar influencers. What gives?

Damn you sure you bitches have bipolar? I get the isolation for months bc the thoughts and psychotic tendencies get too much but I’ve never been destructive to my relationships during mania, too busy feeling the presence of god in my body and trying to kill myself because of it or planning one Million super fun activities and projects I physically and logically could never pull off.
The worst I’ve gotten interpersonally is ghosting everyone in my life (gf and everything) for a year and everyone was just relieved when they realized I wasn’t dead.

The worst for me is probably the not being able to hold down a job despite having a flashy degree it makes me feel like a failure, I hate how much I drain my families resources, but I also do poorly on medication so I feel stuck. I’m getting to old it feels like to be like this but not like I’ll ever be normal. When I was younger I thought it was weird bipolar and schizophrenia got lumped together but the older I get the more it makes sense. I also feel like aside from my academic friends mostly online who are also sick I cannot relate to other people with this disorder
For me even though they feel way worse and I prefer being depressed mania and hypo manic episodes actually fuck my life up way less badly what about you guys?

>>1541895
It’s just fallen out of favor I remember when I was very very young on deviant art and live journal and anime forums everyone claimed bipolar because zomg mood swings xD
I imagine it will be just as embarrassing to look back at when everyone claimed autism because they had a hobby they were passionate about

>>1541971
For me the ruining social relationships is more like my complete lack of social awareness due to hyperfocusing on myself all the time. And being unable to contain my thoughts, emotions etc, like maybe get drinks with my collegues and randomly be like "oh yeah one of my friends died recently" and just not generally talking about things at an appropriate time. I don't know how related that is to bipolar now that I think about it, I'm curious now.

As for preferring depressive episodes, I've been depressed for a solid six months now, longest one since my teens, and I've held down a job, I show up do well and leave. Not going out so I save money. But I really cruelly miss the crazy urge to create things, I saw in my notes that I wrote down a year ago "I don't understand sadness, I've never felt sad before " and I really miss feeling that way. But I get you, to fit into society it is probably better to be down alot of isolate than to be manic. Hope you're doing okay now nonnie i totally get the whole ghosting thing, it sucks to return back after knowing everyone was probably worried.

>>1541971
>feeling the presence of god in my body and trying to kill myself because of it or planning one Million super fun activities and projects I physically and logically could never pull off.

I had less invasive delusions and sometimes I can't tell if they're delusions. My worst delusion is killer

I've caught what I believe to be a stray stalker who knows about my disorders and I'm afraid half the time whenever something spooky happens, or I receive an abrupt response, it's not delusions, it's him. I've deleted all my social media minus lurking and anonymous sites. Now I feel like should lessen my time on private chats and anon sites, because swear to god my phone is bugged. This whole situation blurs the lines between reality and delusion for me, I really want to believe it's fake, but I actually have weak evidence and circumstances indicating a person is watching me. Wont talk about my relationship to him or who he is, but it's relevant to what he can do to me.

I just want to kms knowing I don't even feel safe on the internet anymore. So if this is all truly a delusion, it's a dangerous one, if it's not, then there's a moid out there who's half taking advantage of my mental illness and watching me suffer while he plays mind games. I don't want it to be true. It doesn't happen very often, but when I start receiving gross responses or another disturbing coincidence happens, I brace myself into a tight ball of sobs. Some days I just cry and cry and cry until my eyes are red and my face is numb

>>1542113
>But I really cruelly miss the crazy urge to create things
I used to have that too. My paranoid ideation and stalker ideation bullshit stole that from me. I'm trying to chase it down again. I used to be so much fucking smarter and more innovative than I am, and I want that back.

does anyone here have schizophernia or similar? how did you realize and how did you get help

>>1881277
I am currently living in your walls.

>>1881277
No just bipolar with some schizotypal tendencies life would be way more fun if I were fullblown schizo

>>1881281
are you joking..

when I hear my internal monologue, it always refers to myself as 'we' and not 'I'.
>"we should eat. we need to do the dishes." etc.
now I never thought this was odd until I found out some people don't hear their internal monologue, or they refer to themself as 'I'. but in my case, I feel deattached from my body and it feels like a seperate being hence 'we'. I have bipolar type 1 and depersonalization/derealization. Does anyone else experience anything similar?

>>1881736
Huh, I do the same thing and it never occurred to me it might be weird. I have an internal dialogue going most of the time no matter what I'm doing and it bounces between 'I' and 'We.' I have Bipolar 1 as well but I dunno if that's what it is.

>>1881736
I was diagnosed with bipolar II (which could be a mistake because I'm almost convinced now it's PMDD + SAD and some unresolved psychological problems I used to have, although I did experience states very close to hypomania and I don't think I do anymore) and I definitely experience depersonalization sometimes (much more often in the past). I've always referred to myself as "you" and when I realized it I started consciously change it to "I" but still sometimes use "you". I would also often write like that in my diary. It's probably because I tend to detach from my emotions, plus I was much less accepting of certain behaviors and parts of my personality in the past.

>and it feels like a seperate being hence 'we'
>>1881771
>and it bounces between 'I' and 'We.'
Could it be because you perceive yourself as two different personalities sharing one body because of switching between depression and mania?

>depersonalization/derealization
same here, although I don't refer to myself as we. I do feel detached from my body from time to time, but for me is more on the perception I have of others. I sometimes feel like they're robots, or it's as if I'm not talking to actual human beings and it makes me feel strange.
I do have internal monologues everyday, it's like my dream world. I like it, and I was also shocked to hear that some people don't have internal monologues. Then the fuck do you do? I mean it just sounds strange to me. No sage because I wanna see if more people have a similar experience to this, or some kind of flavour to this
picrel not related of course kek

>>1881981
I'm the same anon with depersonalization/derealization and I live in a constant state of feeling unattached and alien to others and myself, I find it hard to find empathy sometimes because of it. I feel so unattached and distant. I am also scared of others. My younger sister had no internal monologue when she was younger so she always spoke out loud and read aloud as well.

>>1882067
>I live in a constant state of feeling unattached and alien to others and myself, I find it hard to find empathy sometimes because of it. I feel so unattached and distant.
holy shit I feel the same as you. although, there are some moments when I don't feel alien to others, for example when I went to a computers event, most of the people there just felt like… my kind, you know?
do you ever feel the opposite of alien to others?

>>1882821
Its nice that you felt you could relate with some, unfortunetly, I nearly always feel alienated. Even with my ltr ex boyfriend, he felt 'off' to me but was the cloest thing I had to 'real'. I feel blue because the lack of empathy and relation makes me feel as if others are 'tools' used to succeed or learn from. I do have a desire to create friendships and to have relationships healthfully, But I don't see it being plausible or realistic with how I view our fellow humans. Even animals do not feel real but just existing. A sad and lonely existince. I have yet to meet others irl with this disorder. sayrt

>>1881277
Certified Schizo here. dx'd at 20.
It's not that I realized it, I mean, if it's true that being schizo is something you're born with and then it flares up, then I didn't even notice until I was 18-19 because that was the time that it started really bothering me.
Let's say that I wasn't your regular kid, I often grimaced out of the blue, had flat expression, got called cold and weird multiple times and said strange shit since I was little.
I distinctly remember being at school at 8? 9? Years old, asked to go to the bathroom, went, came back and said to the teacher like it was the most normal thing "Uhh there's a dead body in the stall." (not bothered about the supposed dead body, I was bothered because the toilet was "occupied" by the dead body and I needed to pee! the fuck was is doing there!)
I wasn't joking, like I wasn't being quirky. It was there. It wasn't.
Teachers called my family and mind you, meanwhile I didn't have the perfect family, my mom and dad didn't even abuse me, I could talk about a little neglect but due to their work stuff, not because they actively neglected me out of being bad.
I kept seeing things. I assumed everyone did. I told my mom I saw shadow people giving me gifts and she laughed it off saying that I surely was a creative girl (and yeah it's true I consumed a lot of media in between books, cartoons and videogames) and that's why I wasn't scared or worried. Since it was normalized, I also started cutting because my head was telling me that I was some kind of fallen angel and that my blood was poison and I needed to let it out. I even thought I was a robot because I frequently heard "clicks" in my head.
And then depression happened because yadda yadda life events when I was a teen and my delusions became stronger and I started slashing my skin, there was a point where I'm sure I looked like the horrorcow Lucinda, because it was all my fault, in my head.
I hid all of this, like I never cut my arms, because I learned that that wasn't really normal for __others__ but to me, it was. I even thought shit like "Why are the others like that? Do they not know that they're cursed like me? I can't be the only one, right?"
And then one night when I was 18 I saw someone hanging themselves in my hallway. They (no head, no distinct features) waved at me and jumped from a chair. White suit.
Did test, prescribed risperidone, right now I'm …functional? I'm not good, I'm better but gaining awareness helped a lot like I can see why I act weird sometimes. When I close my eyes, I see people smiling at me. I hear people call my name. Now I can ignore it but I don't fully trust myself.
What I struggle the most with are the mf delusions because breaking out of them is hell: One time I have cancer, one time I have worms in my stomach, one time I didn't go out for groceries for days because I believed that someone in the parking lot was there, ready to rip my arms off.
What also helps is being open with them with my friends and they're supportive: being able to talk it out and not bottling this shit up helps with the mental weight and I gave them full permission to laugh if I say weird shit so like some of my phrases have become memes. I take meds, I do a lot of self reflection and such. I had to change multiple therapists but once I found the one that gave me a cure instead of putting me to sleep and drool in a bed really helped, feeling understood helps but the thing that makes me miserable is when I can see it has an impact on others. Sometimes I can't take the bus or subway because I think that they're a portal to hell itself and I get full panic attacks and my friends/family/nigel has to come and pick me up and it happens randomly, like I could have the perfect day, wake up and get ready and then scream when the bus comes. My nigel "trained" me to text him when I get on public transport so he knows that I'm not getting a panic attack and while this is basic human decency, to me it's a nightmare because I don't __want__ to impact others, I even hate attention and I often cry about it. It sucks, on that part. I wish to live long enough to see some kind of improvement in technology that fully resolves these things. One time I asked sincerely my Nigel what he thinks about me and he went "I can see that there's something wrong with you and telling you that it's not true it's a big lie but as long you're safe and happy, you're really nice and fun"
So yeah I guess I'm the weird one huh.

>>1882838
thank you soo very much nonnie for sharing your experiences with me and us and giving such an overview of you and your journey. I really appreciate it and you have helped a lot. its inspiring to hear you have a support system/friends/relationships in place and they care so much about you. lots of love

Bipolar anons, if lamotrigane didn't work for you, what other medications did you go on? Preferably not expensive alternatives. I've heard bad things about antipsychotics but they're the cheapest alternative and I'm not sure how long I'll have insurance to be able to afford a more expensive one. Doc said try abilify or seroquil next maybe, but I'm really not keen on paying for vraylar. Lithium I know requires a lot of blood testing but might be next best thing.

I just want a viable alternative to lamotrigane that won't give me an allergic reaction which is the reason I had to go cold turkey in the first place, and my withdrawal is sucking the life out of me.

>>1882991
I liked serequel and felt good on that and abilify is what im on right now and its ok.

Any other anons who enjoy that kind of emotional numbness that comes with taking a high enough dose of mood stabilizing medicine/s? I take 2 different mood stabilizers for my bipolar, and feeling emotionless and neutral is so relieving and lovely. I'm not 24/7 emotionless, I don't know if that's possible, but my general state of everyday emotions very often feel "muted" in a very comfortable, helpful way because of my meds. Is the calm/numb feeling how non-bipolar people feel all the time?

Ive seen people on TikTok complain about feeling numb on their medication, but isn't that the whole point, specifically when one is bipolar?

>>1883237
Thanks for the rec. I'll try one and see how it turns out! Really pissed cuz I could've stayed on lamo the rest of my life till it gave me an allergic reaction

>>1882827
>I do have a desire to create friendships and to have relationships healthfully, But I don't see it being plausible or realistic with how I view our fellow humans.
oh my I relate to this so much. I also desire for a really close bond with someone who's just like me, but it's just that… I don't feel like most people understand or get me. I don't know. It all feels so weird. I mean, whenever I think of me in a relationship, it just doesn't feel right? It feels strange.
>I have yet to meet others irl with this disorder
same nonnie, same… I know we're not alone, it's just harder to meet someone like this irl. although, I heard somewhere that it's somewhat common in the Scandinavia, but I don't live there, I live in eastern euro. sayrt

>>1882991
Lithium blew my parathyroid up like a golf ball. It didn’t do much for me even when I was allowed to take it, though. I’m on lamotrigine and venlafaxine right now but it’s not really doing anything for me. I’ll be honest, the pregabalin and gabapentin I took for an unrelated issue seemed to do more for me than any of the other meds. I too am avoiding APs like the plague but they keep trying to push me onto seroquel/quetiapine. I’ve heard it’s great but I’m horrified by the weight gain I’ve seen in others. Not that that should be a factor but let’s be real, it is.

>>1884089
I would've kept taking lamotrigane but I had a very fucked up allergic reaction to it that left me almost hospitalized and debilitated for days. My throat is fucking roached from my lymph nodes blowing up, and because I was withdrawn for days I also had a severe, painful panic attack. Other than that very unfortunate roadblock, it was helping me. I'd love to stay on lamotrigane but I do not trust it anymore. Doctor said we can't stay on it and have to go cold turkey under pretenses I don't want another reaction even if it was not happening at lower dose

I was on it for a couple years, never had a reaction, had to go off meds entirely for a couple more, I was rebounding on it for about 2 months after restarting, then BAM, reaction when tiering up doses. Needless to say I'm mad.

Abilify is a godsend

>>1884126
without it I would be dead, bless the creator

I love being so unhinged that I feel alien to others, the world looks like its through a lens, my body feels fake and my eyes are portals to a hellworld. I'm on 30mg abilify. I feel like I'm constantly losing touch with relality, consequences aren't real.

>>1885275
People like you are a walking red flag

>>1885314
I know, but its hard for me to comprehend others exist so its hard for me to care. I can not understand living otherwise.

so does everyone just try to fit in as much as normal? do you notify your bf/gf or friends of your condition or no? I don't think I will ever again

>>1885275
Girl I'm about to try abilify to better my poor issues don't scare me like that

>>1885430
it works, you should see me without it kek

>>1885437
I'm a headcase 10 days in without lamotrigane right now. More stable than expected but I'm having some fucking weird urges and dreams, vertigo, fatigue, the works. I'm gonna try switching to abilify in 5 days when I have my next appointment with my shrink. God it sucks butt

>>1885449
I liked lamotrigine and switched to abilify when I couldn't keep up with taking my meds so I think it'll be a decent switch for you. I prefer lamotrigine but abilify is my only injection / shot available, abilify keeps me stable enough but I always have wacky dreams without meds, and vivid ones too.

>>1885462
I had the infamous allergic reaction to lamotrigane so I literally can't take it anymore. I was almost tempted to ask the doc for abilify earlier but I don't feel like bumping up my appointment. I just hope that it works for me and doesn't give me too many adverse side effects, I'm most concerned about acne, mouth drooling and especially weight. I'm sure it'll be fine, I've just never taken it before.

>>1885377
I don't care about being "normal" or not. what would even qualify as normal? I love the way I am and I won't change or pretend to be someone I'm not for others.
>I don't think I will ever again
did something bad happen?

>>1885474
honestly, my skin was good to begin with but I haven't noticed any side effects. I can still lose weight albeit my appetite is a little heavier.

>>1885795
I got demonized whenever I brought up any emotion.

>>1885377
Only those closest to me know about my bipolar disorder and none of them knows the extent of my worst episodes. It's still too painful to talk about, I don't want to burden anyone with the knowledge and I also don't want to give anyone anything they could ever use against me or gossip about. If I ever get new severe episodes I can definitely see myself leaving my current partner just so that she doesn't have to witness it. To everyone else I pretend to lead a normal life and I lie about a lot of things related to bipolar.

>>1881736
The internal monologue varies a lot. Some guy named Ethan Kross studied use of pronoun "I" vs. first name. I'm sure there must be other stuff about people who think "we" or "you." Really interesting stuff.

appointment with the psychitrist tomorrow, its been so long. guess we'll see what he says. i'm already dx bd² but i feel paranoid all the time so

This is a genuine question, why is bipolar and schizophrenia lumped together in this thread? I thought bipolar was more similar to bpd

>>1888696
Boderline is a personality disorder, bipolar is a mood disorder. Schizophernia is a psychotic disorder. Mood disorders are affected by chemicals producing in your brain. Personality disorders are usually more stagnent as theyre rooted in personality. Psychotic disorders affect mood and personality. All can be treated. Mood disorders can have psychotic episodes. Some bipolar is also commonly dx'd as schizoid disorder which is basically symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Borderline is a cluster B, characterized by sensitivity in relationships and difficulty regulating. Hope that makes sense.

I apologize because I know this is not exactly the topic of the thread, but you guys seem knowledgeable about personality disorders and there isn’t really a thread that fits. Is AVPD a real thing? Because I just found out about it and it explains everything about me to a T. If it’s a real thing then I am certain I suffer from it. In descriptions of it it even sometimes mentions one of my most annoying (to others) traits (rejecting all suggested paths of action by excessively nitpicking what could go wrong for all of them) which I’d never seen described before. Plus, you know, everything else. If it’s a real thing, what can I do? Do I seek a diagnosis so I can find specialized therapy? Am I stuck like this forever?

>>1888720
Would like to add that a lot of mood disorders can be treated with and respond well to antipsychotics. Type I or mixed bipolar tends to have far more psychosis than Type II from what I'm aware. Although BPDfags can also have psychosis and delusions. I've basically been classed into mixed type or not otherwise specified (NOS) because I have other disorders and exhibit symptoms of both subtypes. I do experience psychosis, but it's not as bad as some bipolar havers I've known

In one mental health space I was in there was also an intermingling between people with schizoaffective and bipolar type disorders

>>1540749
Hot take: two threads, one bipolar and one for schizo (cluster A) disorders would be better, these two deserve their own threads if anyone needs it and differ in some ways.

Got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 instead of my og dx of type 2. I'm constantly teetering on psychosis. What a life.

Sorry for the incoming word vomit, I don't know where else to really talk about this. But years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, then bipolar 1, then schizoaffective disorder, and got doped up on all kinds of antipsychotics. They all had some horrible side effect that I couldn't deal with, like the tardive dyskensia, zombification, massive weight gain, nonstop sleeping, some didn't even make me stop hearing shit, and then Invega made me catatonic for 13 hours and horribly suicidal. My psych insisted I keep taking it, I refused, and she dumped me on the spot because I was "too high risk and difficult to work with." With my next psych, I was adamant I not be put on any more antipsychotics and so she put me on Lamictal (with the logic being that my psychosis wouldn't be as severe if my mood was more stable). I took the Lamictal for years, but then I stopped taking it because I didn't like the side effects, especially when I forgot a dose. I tapered off alone slowly, and honestly, I feel fine now, like really normal and well-adjusted and…good? It makes me wonder if I ever had anything wrong with me at all. I never really agreed with the schizoaffective diagnosis. Has anyone been misdiagnosed before/think it's possible? Maybe I'm just in denial because I want to be normal so badly. I just feel like all my symptoms had explanations, like chronic stress, sleep deprivation, not eating, an abusive relationship, PTSD from childhood, and then-undiagnosed autism. I think maybe I am a bit "odd" and I am prone to strange thoughts, but I have learned which thoughts are normal/acceptable to share and which aren't, so I think it's okay as long as I keep them to myself. I also had long bouts of depression and then would suddenly feel fantasic and my thoughts were too fast for me and I had a million ideas at once, but I've been kind of baseline for awhile. I am just terrified that all my symptoms are going to come back, but it's been 6 months and I've been fine. I'm so worried I'm going to get complacent and try to move on with my life and then it's all going to go to shit and I'm going to humiliate myself by getting manic and babbling nonsense about my blood being poisoned again. I have nightmares about getting a job and trying to be normal then fucking it all up. I've also been really energetic lately and having more ideas and wanting to do things, but even that scares me. And it seems so miserable, like can't I even be excited about my future without being scared it's a symptom? I feel like I'm being haunted. But I don't want to go back on the meds either. Not that I even have the money to go see anyone anymore. Sigh.

I don't understand mental ilness, I thought bipolar is what everyone has cause everyone goes through ups and downs and everyone suffers from their mind obsessing over things sometimes or seeks other peoples attention to feel high after feeling low(chronic baitposter)

>>1891342
I don’t understand physical illness, I thought everyone has days where they feel tired and run down and everyone suffers from aging

>>1891342
Like how does a healthy mind looks like and how it feels about existence? Is mental ilness giving people a distorted view on existence? What even causes mental illness cause looking at the definitions of mental ilness makes me think everyone has it and I thought that the BPD/NPD/schizo thoughts or behaviors are just natural.

So I got diagnosed with bipolar type one and psychotic features but honestly I don't feel psychotic or feel like I have ben close to psychosis, I am strange and think other people are scary and experience magical thinking but I don't think I am psychotic.
What is your psychosis like?