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No. 122983
Old thread hit the limit!
>>>/g/108637Having some relationship issues or questions and need to vent or get advice? Come here and talk with fellow farmers for another point of view.
No. 122986
More of a vent if anything but I was really getting along with my new boyfriend up until he started to act weirdly jealous and admitted as much. At first I took it as flattery because of exes acting so disinterested in me or just treating me like a piece of worthless trash not even worth a text message or a nice dinner. This new boyfriend wanted to do all those things for me and frequently and made known that he wanted me. I took the behavior as a sign that I was desired and it felt really good to be wanted. I still like that feeling.
Last night he tried to turn his jealousy against me and it made me feel really insulted.
He texted me to accuse that I still had feelings for my ex and I was hiding something on my cell phone the other night.
First of all, the accusations blindsided me because I had no idea what he was talking about or was even aware anything was wrong. I tried to be nice at first, and maybe it was a misunderstanding.
I told him I didn't have feelings for my ex. I dumped almost a year ago now. Also that I don't even talk to him, and what brought that up? Then I explained I was actually finishing up typing a post on here lel, and nah I didn't really want him to see what I was typing on my phone but he could've asked what I was doing if he had a concern. I really don't use social media much and said I have no problems handing over my phone for him to check if he really wants to see how little is actually going on.
If he has an issue then he needs to talk to me at the time about it.
Then he gave me a third degree about my ex again after the cell phone thing was buried. I asked him what even brought up my ex and apparently he became upset after I showed him my vacation pictures from last year in the 'on this day' feature on facebook. I showed him a picture of my ex to prove how I didn't have any pictures of myself on this vacation because my ex was a selfish asshole who didn't take any for me. That was the point.
Not that I "miss" my ex or "have feelings" for him. He got jealous because I showed him a picture of my ex. Nothing else. That's so fucking retarded, he even argued 'What kind of girlfriend shows a picture of her ex to her boyfriend?!" Uh, I didn't compliment my ex or reminisce, what on earth.
He kept texting accusing me and I kept repeating how I didn't have feelings and at that point I was getting mad because he kept saying shit like "I don't believe you, you still have feelings for him because I have a guy instinct!" and then he passively aggressively said "Text him goodnight!" and I shut it down. It was so fucking ridiculous. He was basically implying I'm a liar and acting petty over something absolutely inconsequential. MEANWHILE I've listened to HIS emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithful, and he claims he's so hung up on fidelity because he doesn't wanna go through it again. He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.
At the end of the texts he apologized and said he trusted me.
Despite what I said about him talking to me about problems when he feels they arise, I'm sensing he's probably going to pull this shit again and confront me about something irrelevant days later so I'll be caught offguard again.
No. 122991
>>122986This sounds incredibly dumb on his part. Like he missed the whole
my ex is an asshole who didn't take a single photo of me on our vacation and zoned in on the result: which was pictures of the ex exist
>He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.Looks like you're way ahead of him anon. This seems obvious, otherwise he's just a controlling troublemaker. I had a friend who would accuse me of sleeping with random mutual friends if I didn't respond to his message fast enough.
No. 123006
>>122986>emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithfulNow you've seen his definition of unfaithful, you can't even believe him that his ex was unfaithful or wasn't just driven to give him something real to complain about kek
>>123004This, if it was me I'd use this situation to make it clear that I'm not playing those games with him, but kick him immediately if he tries to ever bring it up again.
No. 123015
I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol
No. 123016
I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol
In the end iirc I told him (for my sake as well as his) that I don't think it really matters what word he uses to describe friendships to me or what "platonic" vs "romantic" means in that context as long as his friendships don't become inappropriate or make me feel jealous and not special to him, or cause him distress. I might send him to our close mutual guy friend and see what he has to say on the topic, too.
No. 123019
>>123010>>123010yeah from my experience it doesn't always mean the person is really trying to have sex or aware of what they're doing. my bf feels me up but sometimes isn't even trying to get me to have sex, just wants to touch me. it's up to you to decide why he did what he did and act according to your morals and boundaries, good luck!
>>123008I've discussed future plans with partners pretty early on if I felt like I had strong feelings. the timeline is on you guys, not anyone else. just be careful about making any surefire decisions this early in the relationship, in case it is just from the excitement of it being new.
No. 123033
How can you tell if you‘re being reasonable in expectations when you‘re a jealous and anxious person?
So I have this standard in my relationship, which is…if someone invites me to some social thing like a party or wedding but my bf would be not welcome, then I probably wouldn‘t go. I wouldn‘t want to because it‘d feel like abandoning my partner. Otherwise I‘d ask my partner if it‘s OK, then go and not go accordingly. We come as a team so I‘d see being like "ok cya" would be shitty.
This issue has come up, and he‘ll be going on a 4 day holiday where I‘m not welcome. It‘s more of a coworkers thing, but not actual work/business trip (which would be fine). Huge argument because he sees nothing wrong with it, and thinks that I‘m being controlling. By the end of it I said I would never forbid him, but I ask him to respect the standards important to me.
Also, he wants to go to some sporty activity I can‘t really do at the weekend that‘d take all day, the weekend before he goes on said holiday. So I told him I thought we‘d spend that weekend together since he‘ll be going, plus he never does or suggests sporty things he likes despite me in the past saying we should, so I found it unfair. I said he should go now because despite agreeing that it‘d take a big chunk of time and he‘d be going on holiday with them anyway, he‘s used it as ammo in arguments since.
Thing is, when I had bad anxiety (we just moved to a new country and I was totally isolated, financially dependent and didn‘t speak the language) I begged him not to go for a week to another country, leaving me alone. Since he agreed to that I‘ve been working on myself and I think I‘ve made improvement. I think that was an unreasonable request, but he‘s held it over my head as an example of how controlling I am since, he‘s brought it up to this holiday thing and the weekend activity, and no matter how I argue the principle/reason is different, he puts it on the same level.
I‘ll be getting therapy for my jealousy, anxiety and insecurity, but I do try to evaluate things more objectively. But when he comes out with "you‘re being controlling, this is just like that time you didn‘t want me to go to business trip" then…who am I to argue that? It‘s just between the two of us, and these kinds of issues haven‘t come up with long term partners before and I don‘t know what‘s reasonable to expect. I wish there was some handbook or guide which said when it‘s OK to draw the line and when you‘re being unreasonable.
No. 123039
>>123037Thanks for the reply. We‘re both very solitary people, and it was established by both of us at the start that we need alone time, we have individual hobbies going on and stuff.
What I‘m having difficulty with is…if the situations were reversed, people asked me to go on holiday but my bf wasn‘t welcome…there‘s no way I wouldn‘t think about what HE thought of the situation. What bothers me is that there‘s no consideration from him in that context. It was more that "I want to go, so I want to go and damned what you think of it". I think a proper thing to say would be like "hey so and so wants to go on holiday for a few days, just coworkers and it sounds cool, since you can‘t really go would I wanted to ask if it be OK if I did?".
You‘re right that it‘d be denying him a positive experience, but I feel like when you‘re in a relationship your mindset has to change a bit to encompass your partner too. That you sort of take it upon yourself to place reasonable restrictions.
No. 123053
>>123039NTA, that's tough but that's just a matter of character. I relate more to your bf in this because I'm like him. As two individual adults, I believe I shouldn't be asking permission to do something that isn't violating our agreed upon monogamy. Considering not going on vacation because my partner is insecure would never be something I'd do. It's not my issue, it's theirs. Compromising on this would entertain their delusions that my love is so fleeting that I'll just cheat or something as soon as I'm away from their grasp. It's a strict matter of principle for me, personally. Restrictions based on insecurity aren't permissible to me. That being said I would never even date a jealous person in the first place. Not sure why he even started with you when he is so opposed to restricting himself for the sake of a jealous partner.
Not sure about the sports event thing, sorry.
The bringing shit up in arguments sounds unfair to me as well, but it sounds like you've perhaps been controlling in ways you aren't aware and it's built up to the point where he's getting so resentful he'll make unfair arguments. You weren't being too clingy for needing him around for that week you were new in the country you moved to, but I'm guessing he wouldn't have needed you to stay around for him if he were in your position and he sees an issue with that. I think his problem is with your character, and I don't really see how that can change.
Tbh seems you two aren't very compatible bc you see boundaries completely differently. He's particularly independent and that's in direct opposition to your co-dependence. Some people enjoy clingy partners, some don't.
No. 123073
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I desperately need help and advice with this
I'm currently going through what feels like the most difficult breakup of my life. Possibly because of the circumstances.
TLDR; met cute/seemed nice guy, moved in with him, together one year total, find out he is a drug addict slowly (we never participated in drugs or anything together previous to this, which is why I say "slowly". He later confessed to me that he has on/off issues for years now) and suddenly I am constantly having to make sure he is alive/not trying to suicide. I felt so caged and trapped, couldn't leave or do anything besides work due to how much I felt like I had to do for him essentially (some examples, finding him a job, helping him sign up for classes, getting him out of debt, teaching him basic life skills, stuff that I know is not my responsibility but I was so scared he would die without my babying so I felt almost hostage to doing all of these things since we also shared a space)
Finally was able to move out and am now trying to bring a complete end to this relationship. It has brought nothing but harm. He is now full blown on drugs and being crazy and it's hard for me to distance myself even though I know it must be the right thing. I sit alone in my flat all day and I just feel so depressed. I'm also currently dealing with a close loved one dying in the next month or so as well as full time job and part time school. I know there is a HUGE element of co-dependency here maybe, even though it was a horrible relationship I still long for him to hold me sometimes. I feel so fucked up for even admitting to that because he is so disgusting but I still feel alone now
any advice/tips? I know it probably sounds silly but I have been in abusive relationships in the past (including with family early on) so I am trying to break this cycle. I want to get away from him emotionally AND physically and be ok. I want to graduate and move on with my life without this burden
also TLDR; list of horrible things he has done. Maybe just writing this helps me stay strong.
>"cheated" on me with underage teens online (I don't fault the teen really, he is a predator in his mid 20's)
>used drugs continuously under my roof
>stole my personal belongings multiple times
>would sneak off to use drugs when I would be working, when I come home from work he is a mess
>police had to get involved multiple times when he would get violent (with himself, still scary because I had to "step in")
>always lies about everything. even the stupidest, smallest shit
>would pay for expensive thot porn when he technically owes me (and other people too)thousands of dollars
>constantly would break my things of value or throw them away when he is on drugs
>threatened me that the cops would kill me and him if I called them
>had creepy DDLG kink he wanted me to constantly participate in (degenerate)
No. 123074
>>123073First: good on you for getting out of that situation, it must have been, and still is, awful. That's a big step towards independence and letting go of someone who has been draining you mentally.
I think you should definitely seek out counselling/therapy if you already haven't. Your life has a lot going on at the moment (I'm very sorry about your loved one) and it would be essential to let those feelings out and process them properly, especially when you've had a long history of abuse and want to break the cycle. It's a long process but it's so worth it, and it truly does help. I've been in a similar situation, not involving drugs tho, and one of the hardest things to learn is that not everyone can be saved and it's not your responsibility to help in everything if the help is constantly turned down or nothing is learned.
Do you have friends or loved ones you can turn to? I can't emphasize enough the importance of talking about the things you've experienced with someone you trust.
It's also natural to miss the good times and the intimacy, don't be ashamed. It will pass as any lingering feelings for him will fade over time.
I wish you the best, anon. You seem very responsible and caring, and it's sad your ex used your kindness in such a nasty way. You're not alone and I hope everything will turn out well for you!
No. 123076
Reposting my question from the last thread since it maxed out before anyone could've replied, with some additions…
Does anyone know how to help or deal with relationship and/or sex OCD? I think my partner has it and combined with his other problems (impulse control/addictive tendencies/general anxiety/sperglord) it's fucking us up. He really loves me, but the doubts are making him hurt me and himself and digging himself deeper. I don't think he'd actually be happy doing most of the stuff he worries about and the worries are probably wrong. But it's hard for me because some of it sounds like it could be true and isn't just OCD, and I end up feeding right into it by being mean and hurt and believing it or digging up stuff, I feel horrible about myself and about how he could and has hurt me and it's hard not to show it. If he believes it he doesn't challenge the beliefs because he doesn't want to consider/deal with them and by telling him one of my anxieties today I managed to give him a new potential worry.
I see that CBT may be the best bet, so I'd like resources for a partner of someone with this, for the person dealing with it, worksheets/books, etc, anything that you think may help, or your own personal experience. LDR-specific may be useful too because that's a compounding factor (and it's fucked because this is making it harder to move in.)
The stress from believing this stuff and his fuckups is giving me severe depression/anxiety compounded by my family issues and I just want it to end before I fuck my life up more.
No. 123170
>>123022Oh I love these.
You are not the asshole at ALL. Sisters in law like making shit about themselves for some reason so I hope your partner has the rationality to draw some boundaries. Some dudes side with their sisters bc she cried or pulled his strings with some other emotional manipulation tool. Hope your guy isn't like that bc that becomes so unbearable later down the line.
She doesn't have to show up to the wedding if she doesn't want to but her whining is uncalled for. Like you said, her breakup wasn't really a hard one and she's doing this to herself. She's
choosing to make this an issue.
No. 123174
>>123076you wrote a decent lenght post and yet it's impossible to deduce what is actually the problem here. "Doubts"? If he's constantly worrying and asking for reassurance, yeah, it can be a symptom of OCD. What you can do is drag his ass to therapy. OCD isn't really something you can "deal with" on your own. In most cases, you need medication.
But you have to be more specific if you need advice, because your post is too chaotic.
No. 123178
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I feel like I‘m just noticing a disturbing trend with my bf. I feel like he feeds off of my negative emotion, I don‘t know how to describe it. I‘m heavily dependent on him at the moment, looking for a job since moving to a new country with him.
So we‘re usually good together. I‘m the type that likes to confront things head on as they arise and am quite passionate about it, and he likes to avoid talking about things that bother him. Anyway, when I‘m trying to point out things wrong he‘ll try find something to turn the accusation back on me and I just HAVE to try make him see my point of view that he keeps minimizing, our poor communication styles can lead to these long, drawn out argumentative periods where we‘re both just fucking sad. Sometimes I can blow up on him and tell him to stop with the fucking power plays and playing victim and just listen to what I‘m saying. It‘s a bad pattern but we have different ways of dealing with it, and I want to get counseling to channel it in a more healthy way because we just kind of bounce off each other when we disagree until we‘re tired and it can take days to come to a proper resolution.
Anyway, sometimes I‘ll just become exhausted and I‘ll stop being passionate about it. After reconciliation he can say something incendiary (for example "oh I might <do thing> because I don‘t really care about <whatever topic we‘ve been arguing about that‘s important to me>") and I‘m just like "that‘s fucked to say considering how much we‘ve talked about it, but that‘s the way it is, you do you".
BUT, when I do this and just sort of maintain not bothering…the 2-4 times this has happened, EVERY time he says we should break up. And he‘ll say he doesn't love me, and due to problems. But these problems? He hasn't brought up. I mean they‘re valid issues, but he doesn't express them until it‘s "too late" and he sits there expressionless and maintains this until I‘m crying pretty bad, headache and all that when I‘m trying to tell him it‘s a problem easily resolved. Eventually he says "OK, that‘s a reasonable solution" and we‘re back on. But it absolutely wrecks me for at least a day, I‘m fucking numb from it. He tells me he does love me and tries to make me feel better.
But see, when he initially says he wants to break up, I‘m pretty calm about it (probably my panic mode) and I try to discuss the logical reasons. And he‘ll say things that are so cold…and just maintain throwing those things in until I‘m sobbing.
I don‘t know if it‘s deliberate. Is he just so poor at communication that he thinks the best thing to do is hold in your problems until breaking point then blow up and see if I can save it, or is it a more calculated behaviour? I don‘t get it but it‘s harmful af to my mental health and I always feel like I need to be so careful after to not repeat the things he has a problem with, in case he goes straight to "you‘re not changing any, let‘s break up".
No. 123185
>>123178This is going to sound really harsh ….. But I think he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward to actually go through with it. He is waiting for that day when you agree so he doesn't have to feel like a bad guy.
But if I give him the benefit of the doubt, it's possible his personal problems are causing him lack of love and energy, and maybe everything will work out when he has fixed them.
No. 123190
>>123178He's immature at best or doesn't love you at worst.
I would not feel loved in a relationship where if I brought up an issue that I felt passionate about, that breaking up would be held over my head while I'm jobless and in a foreign country. He's absolutely power playing you, and he's mean.
No. 123204
>>123201What this anon said.
I'm in a similar situation but I'm more like your bf in this case. We love each other so we are moving apart for a while to see if space is what we need.
No. 123260
>>123258what
>>123259 said plus I still don't want to spend my life alone. Decent men who want no children are impossible to find.
No. 123274
What do you guys think about introvert & extrovert in a relationship? Maybe you can say something from your own experience?
Well, I'm introverted and shy, and the guy I'm talking with is an outgoing extrovert. In his opinion, he's an ambivert but nah. He does have a "calmer" side that we bonded over… but I've only ever heard of it, never seen it actually. He's constantly out with friends, partying, drinking, being spontaneous, he just got back from an abroad trip and in few days he's going somewhere again. Honestly, I'm tired just hearing about his antics, like I legit get secondhand social energy drainage.
I don't really see it working out between us. I just won't be able to catch up with him, and I can see him getting bored with me because of it.
(And he's out drinking too often for my liking.)
But maybe I'm pessimistic? I can see the good sides, like the introvert getting out and experiencing more and the extrovert engaging in something stable and genuine.
They say opposites attract, yet I'm realizing now that every couple I know has a very similar social energy.
No. 123277
>>123274Introvert and extrovert can work if both sides learn from each other and find a balance.
Anyways, when you're together with someone you have to sacrifice your partying and traveling regardless, but he sounds like he's too much into it to walk towards your needs. It might be good and healthy for you if you find someone who's extravert, but him seems just too much everything and a major redflag who can't commit.
No. 123285
I met a guy at a specialty shop that I work at that I like a lot. I flirted with him for a while and he asked for my number, etc. We talked a bit more and then he had to leave so I could talk to the customers that had just come in. We went out the next day to a bar, and only talked for about two hours while with two of his friends (which I happened to already know), so it wasn't terribly personal. We were supposed to have got there hours earlier but there was a horrible storm that rolled in off the mountains that made it unsafe to drive.
Now a week later he has invited me to go to a barbecue with his group up in the mountains about an hour and a half away (normal for this particular area and social circle), and said he would 'see if I could spend the night.'
First off, I have no idea where I would even be staying, and I really don't know if I'm comfortable sleeping with this guy on a second date. I have never had a one night stand or anything like that, and have never casually dated. Only been in one long-term relationship, and we met online, we never went on an actual 'date' before we moved in together. Never had sex with anyone else. But, that relationship was horribly abusive and I definitely do not want to replicate that. I am generally really uncomfortable around sex due to body anxiety and can only get into it when I am drunk.
I don't know if I should go with it or not. On one hand I want to simply say that I'm not comfortable spending the night; I could probably just go to the event and then drive back later. But I'm also somewhat intrigued and would have a lot of fun at this event, and since I would definitely get drunk if I don't need to drive, could almost definitely enjoy having sex like that anxiety-free. I also would love to start embracing myself more and dating casually, even if things don't work out with this guy. But I also am uncomfortable with my body and have some self-harm scars on my upper thighs (hidden except in underwear) that I obviously haven't revealed to this guy yet considering we met last week, and I'm anxious about confronting that…
I haven't texted him back yet because I don't know which route I want to go. Pls help.
No. 123287
>>123286The distance is actually normal for this type of thing, the town this event is going to be in is a regular hangout for a lot of people here. I've actually been there a few times myself, that's where I met this guy's friends. This guy was there those times too, apparently, but we didn't interact at that point.
A common first date here is 'you get on the back of my motorcycle and we'll go into the mountains and hang out at (x) bar.' In this case, I wouldn't be riding with him, I would just drive over in my car when I get off of work, which alleviates a lot of anxiety about it, since I can leave whenever I want, as long as I don't have a lot to drink.
I'll text him something like what you said tomorrow morning. First I think I will jokingly ask about where exactly this staying overnight would take place. Depending on what he says I will either agree (if there genuinely seem to be no expectations), or straight out say I'm not sure I'm comfortable staying over and would prefer to just drive back later at night. If he reacts negatively then that's just an early red flag to never speak to him again.
Thanks for responding, I have a really hard time with things like this.
No. 123294
>>123287Anon the plan of drinking and then sleeping over in a strange house sets off alarm bells. I get your thoughts of it being fun and wanting to be adventurous but hours away from home, drunk, with a guy you've had one previous two hour long date with… Girl set higher standards for yourself
And getting drunk for your first time fucking someone might ease your nerves but that's such an unhealthy way of experiencing sex and leaves you really open to being coerced
If he's expecting you to be in the same bed then the red flags are already there girl
No. 123296
I've woken up feeling irritated at my boyfriend. Im annoyed I can't have a normal sexual relationship with him for whatever reason he has (anxiety?). I want to fuck, and I want to be intimate and share the experience with him. If I want him to do anything remotely sexual to me, I have to wait until past 9pm and then its like a chore for him.
Im a virgin and we've been together for 2 years and I love him but it's so annoying. It pisses me off that I found this almost perfect guy and then our sexual incompatibility is just horrendous. He says he loves me, loves my body, he doesn't watch porn frequently (like once a month, usually when im at work) and refuses the idea that he's asexual. I just want a reason, a good reason why im not good enough to turn him on, we’re both young and I don’t understand it. I've tried everything even stepping out of my own comfort zone, getting fit by going to the gym, trying stuff I read online, wanting to try his kinks etc.He critiqued it at one point saying like "oh well putting on black underwear isn't enough". I bought lingerie and spent time making myself look better to try and ignite something in him and apparently, it's not good enough? But nothing else is either!?
I’ve spoken to him as honestly and openly as possible and it goes nowhere, I’ve cried to him, begged him to tell me what’s wrong and I just get” I don’t know”. He is going to therapy but not trying to do what the therapist suggests.
I know all I could do is wait for him or break up and both hurt equally. A part of myself is thinking to just try one more year and if nothing improves then I’ll have to leave him, but I feel horrible holding this thought whilst I live with him and tell him I love him. I just need some support because I can’t tell anyone about this in person.
No. 123298
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>>123275>>123277>>123282>>123283Thanks, that
really helped me! I guess I subconsciously decribed his behaviour as extroverted to excuse it for myself, while in reality he's acting quite childish and like a dog set off the leash.
I guess I'll need to be more assertive if anything develops between us. Because I have 0 love experience I'm not really sure what I can expect and demand. So it's reassuring to see I'm not being unreasonable and it's okay to ask him to tone it down. Again, thanks.
No. 123300
>>123299You need to decide how important sexual satisfaction is to you, if it is very important then you are within your rights to move on and find someone more compatible
We get so many women on here posting about being asexual and having highly sexed bfs so if he is asexual he might not have great difficulty finding a woman with a low or non existent drive.
You both deserve to feel content and sexually compatible with someone
No. 123305
>>123185>>123190>>123201Thanks for replying, my aim is to find a job asap because I don‘t like being this vulnerable. I‘m not sure if it was implied in my main post, but I meant he ONLY tries to initiate a breakup when I become detached and weary. Not during a heated argument or when he really disagrees with something. Only when I‘m like "whatever" instead of getting in his face about it.
After this time more evidence (I think) is pointing to him trying to get a reaction out of me.
This time it really affected me. He was persistent (until I was very upset) and said long term damaging things. But the evening and days afterwards, he said the opposite to most of those statements. Now from what I know of him he‘s not the type to lie, if it‘s an unpleasant truth he just won‘t bring it up. And right after the scary prospect of breaking up I don‘t want to question him on why he‘s saying he loves me now when he was saying he didn‘t a few hours ago.
He‘s fully back to acting the way he did beforehand, and seemed almost irritated I wasn‘t just plain relieved and happy we‘re still together like I usually am. But to me what he said had me questioning EVERYTHING and where I and the relationship stood. Breaking up is constantly on my mind and if I offhandedly mention it he gets upset and quiet, saying "why'd you have to bring it up?" and that he wasn‘t thinking about it. How could he not be thinking about it?! I bring up questions regarding logistics of therapy (a caveat to staying together), and he‘s less than interested about the details. This guy who was so insistent that these problems are relationship ending, who said that therapy is an absolute must to continue is now…it feels like he‘s trying to brush it completely under the rug again? If he wanted to break up, wouldn‘t he acknowledge the faults and problems brought up afterwards? Instead of being like "ah it‘s OK" when I ask him what‘s to be done better?
I think at best it‘s immaturity, at worst cruelty. But maybe it is something I‘m overlooking. He‘s never been in a serious relationship before (either romantic or platonic) so I feel like there‘s no baseline for him in what‘s an acceptable way to act. But I sure hope it‘s not him deliberately upsetting me.
No. 123323
>>123320Your second paragraph starts with 'I want a divorce' and that says it all really.
Maybe he'll emotionally blackmail you or fight dirty but he can't hold you hostage in a marriage you don't want. Might aswell rip the bandaid off and deal with the inevitable tantrum now rather than later
I've been with a controlling man who called all the shots and the weight that was lifted after leaving was immense
No. 123338
>>123320He agreed to no kids then changed his mind. He is emotionally
abusive. You owe him nothing.
No. 123341
>>123320>fat unhealthy clergyman who doesn't consummate his own marriage controls and berates you wants to also saddle you with his kids he told you he never wanted to haveRun away anon and live your life.
Let him figure out his own path between him and his God.
No. 123361
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"if you've got something good, don't let go of it"
How true is this?
I really love my boyfriend of 2 years. I find him attractive and we have a pretty good sex life. He treats me with love, even to the point of pampering me, but is still respectful of my desire to not feel tied down. He's been a near-perfect partner, on paper.
Some cons: he's white and can barely talk about race/gender issues besides nodding his head to whatever I say, which bores me. I don't expect him to have the same hobbies/fixations as me, but he has almost nothing of value to say about art/culture. He's not as proactive with stuff like cooking and cleaning.
The main thing is, I just feel bored… this is the longest and most stable relationship I've ever been in, by far.
I get infatuated with people easily, and the crushes always pass, but I feel guilty. Sometimes I even go on random dating apps/sites to look around and chat with random people (not sexting, just small talk, I always ghost). it kind of feels like window shopping.
It feels wrong and I feel really guilty because I feel like I'm REALLY toeing the line of emotionally cheating… but I know I would never cross the line into actually leading someone on or physically cheating. But like, have I already ruined the integrity of the relationship? My boyfriend has never hurt me. Am I on the path of ruining something good? If I break up with my boyfriend in search of a more invigorating relationship, am I just going to end up with another abusive guy again?
Many things to ponder, I have
No. 123371
>>123370sounds like a typical uwu sensitive boy who just wants you to do all the emotional labor
you can't make him like you or fall for you anon, just let him go and see what happens
No. 123380
>>123372I totally see your point, and I will discuss how infatuation naturally fades when I see him in person tomorrow. He isn't really up for putting in a ton of work, you're right… but I still think we can focus on him fixing the depression before our relationship.
Without a doubt we have these shared feelings of being soulmates. We have kissed and it felt like magic for years. Now it's just kissing. I can't explain it but he completely understands and I think we can fix it. Towards eachother, we have felt in ways we've never felt with anyone else. Even though the infatuation has left, we still have these things, that he knows is there and also doesn't want to lose.
I guess this is why this is so hard and messy. I know it sounds awful to drain myself but I would absolutely try my best to make this relationship work because I don't want to love anyone else really. This relationship is so unique… ugh
No. 123408
>>123370Regardless of mental health don't ever talk someone out of a break up once they start hinting at it, it only prolongs the death of the relationship
His complaint about a lack of infatuation is him saying 'fuck me more or we're breaking up' Then he sends you nudes afterwards lol, We have an uwu depresssed fuck-boy!
Don't waste your emotions on that shit
No. 123434
>>123361But why are you bored? You're either very spoiled and being a bitch to your boyfriend or don't really love him and a bitch to your boyfriend. You'd better stop this behaviour, sort out your feelings before you go on on this emotional cheating to him.
>>123370You sound very young, Anon. If he's really depressed, try to push him doing new stuff together and understand what you both really feel and if he's still in love with you, work on it. Love is not easy, and if it's the first serious relationship, it's not automatic you know how you feel when you're no more infatuated but still love the other person. Love is a living thing, it must change costantly and adapt on who you are in the moment. Talk a lot and try to decide if you want to go on on working on your relationship or letting go.
No. 123524
>>123504You don't need to provide men with a good reason or excuse for your lack of interest in dating them. I love when they pester you with "But why not?!?"
That's usually my cue to talk about how I'm sooo not attracted to them lol
No. 123537
how do i get over the fact that someone i poured my whole heart into for many, many, many years, and sacrificed so much for, and had so much hope for, literally does not care about me, has contempt for me and would not care if i died? not for good enough reason, imo. he will never change but i can't let go of the potential. that kills me. i see the relationship for its full potential and he only sees it negatively, always.
what bothers me is that i feel like he would care for me and love me if he knew me, but he doesn't, and won't ever know me because he doesn't want to get to know me. he assumes everything and completely shuts down all communication. when he does speak to me after ignoring me for days because he misses me, there is never any resolution. he refuses to resolve anything so he goes on holding onto issues that could be understood if he tried. he literally evades any attempt to address any issue. it's ineffably painful. i care so much for him and i know there's so much potential, but he wants to sabotage it because he misunderstands me.
No. 123547
>>123535Definitely yes. He is the one who came up to you and it doesn't sound like either of you is trying too hard to keep conversations going.
Just ask him if he'd like to hang out/get some drinks sometime. His response will probably provide some clarification as to whether or not he's interested romantically and if you're still not sure the actual meeting will change that.
No. 123563
>>123536>all of our friends know about it as he's started telling me he loves me in front of themHave you met this guy? Is telling you he loves you on his facetime calls or whatever?
You really need to meet in person ASAP. Spend a week together. All your questions will be answered.
No. 123572
>>123561thanks for responding, anon. i appreciate it. because all of the things he values, i possess, he just can't see it because of a few things: we met when i was a teen and i was forced into acting like a "cool girl" after having been abused and beaten down by my ex for being a prude and just, you know how society encourages us to take any and all shit and appease everything, and my
abusive dad is literally the biggest whore and honest to god sex addict, that i've ever seen. my fam refuses to let him use the same utensils or cups or towels as them, they're that sure he carries countless diseases. so, this really impacted the way i acted around men. (i wasn't a slut, just a cool girl – never shoe tier, but regarding speaking about sex, i was one). i met him when i was doing really poorly in terms of my mental health, finances, everything, like, my mom and i were on the verge of homelessness again, and i just generally tainted his view of me because i was not able to be myself around men, especially not when i was so vulnerable. this is the image he has of me still, essentially a 'cool girl' when the reality is so much different. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be so misunderstood and not seen, especially when you know this person would understand you and connect with you if they tried. i had admittedly lied about a few things to him because i knew he'd judge me harshly (he was a virgin, crazy jealous, hasty in assumptions and blowing up) and i cared about him so much and i knew he'd assume and i'd be misunderstood further. i felt like it was a very "damned if i do, damned if i don't" situation.
he misunderstands everything and most of our foundational experiences were built around a time in which i was being pretty heavily abused, and i always have been really dissociative both naturally thanks to trauma, and i was doing drugs or drinking almost all of the time, so i did things he hadn't approved of basically because when people guilted me when i was younger i'd cave for fear of being abused, but he thinks the way i spoke to people, how i felt, all of it was genuine. he read through my messages with other guys from when we weren't' dating (all guys i didn't have feelings for, and certain guys, when they'd pressure me, i'd tell them things they wanted to hear so they wouldn't call me a bitch for rejecting them or just abandon me during really vulnerable times) and he assumes still that i was attracted to these people when i really wasn't. he's almost 26 and has never gotten drunk, doesn't understand what it's like to be drunk or high on anything but weed, whereas most of my life i've spent trying to numb pain from abuse and i have done some regrettable things that he thinks were truly and honestly sexually motivated. if i had his life, i would've been exactly like him too, but i didn't, i suffered a lot and most of my life has been centered around mitigating and reducing abuse and the suffering i felt. he has no compassion for me because he thinks i'm a slut and a liar that WANTS to hurt him and enjoys hurting him. i didn't take him seriously when we first dated and i acted like a wacko because i had been nothing but abused and talked over and abandoned at that point, and he refuses to forgive me, he just thinks i'm a conniving asshole and a slut when he's so wrong. i would've never acted that way if i hadn't felt like other people would treat me better if i did, and i wouldn't have been so reactive if my entire life hadn't been abuse and abandonment and being told constantly by my whore dad that "all men cheat, men see sex like taking a shower, men lose interest and will cheat, that's normal and acceptable, sex is so important to men and relationships", and i am so jealous with literally the worst inability to control my emotions i've ever seen, so i really did act like a dismissive and reactive weirdo to him out of fear, etc. despite this, there's something really magical about our connection and he refuses to really see it. he seems to see it, but then he gets bogged down with just thinking negative stuff about me on a loop, that i'm untrustworthy and i don't love him, that i am a slut, whatever else negative he thinks. i know he doesn't care about me as he sees me, though, which i can't even blame him for, because he is not "seeing" me.
really sorry for the wall of text.
No. 123573
>>123547Thanks anon, I'll ask tomorrow since I know he'll be there at the same window of time I have a class cancelled.
He almost asked me to lunch today but I was already at home.
I guess I'm so unsure since I view obsessive clinginess as true interest, but I guess he might just be…healthy. Remarkable.
No. 123614
>>123572Honestly try to look into why exactly you like this guy, i‘m sure the reason isn‘t going to be pure love. Maybe he‘s the first romantic prospect to treat you nicely and not pressure you.
That said, he doesn‘t seem all that nice. It takes a real lack of empathy to not be sympathetic with someone who‘s gone abuse and sees their coping methods as just who they are. It‘s either a lack of empathy or complete disinterest. And if some day he‘s "convinced" you‘re not a conniving asshole and slut? Like those characteristics that are causing this isn‘t just a one off situation. That‘s him and that lack of empathy is going to come up over and over.
My guess is you see this as your ONE chance and nobody‘s ever going to get you like that, so you can‘t give up on him. I‘d really advise you do, you‘ll feel a freedom in voluntarily letting something bad like this go. I can say youll find someone else eventually, but that‘s not the point. Don‘t waste your time on this person who doesn‘t care to see you for you.
No. 123618
>>123563>>123601no, never any facetime - just selfies. i know it's him (this is mean to say) because he's a pretty plain/average looking guy who's pretty chubby. it doesn't really matter to me because his personality is incredible. he keeps up well and that's all that matters to me.
i brought it up and he said it'd be cool to get some dinner and talk. that's good news! however, my friend told me to be wary as he fears that if i fly down there, it'll go one of two ways: either we don't click and it ruins our friendgroup/interactions or we click way too well and we nosedive into something we're not ready for just yet.
thanks for the responses! i don't know how soon i'll be able to manage a flight across the country but more than anything i just hope he and i vibe as people.
No. 123689
I‘ve always left details out of posts for the sake of plausible deniability, but idk I think I need to give them.
So I‘ve had trouble believing that my opinions and feelings were listened to and cared about. My bf was invited out for a short holiday with coworkers, and when I expressed disappointment and discontent that I wasn‘t welcome his stance was a defensive "I don‘t care you‘re not coming, I want to go so I‘ll go", and that set off an ugly argument. My expectations of the thing changed around a lot, it eventually broadened to arguing about how much influence your partner had on what you do. I thought it was a matter of respect to ask your partner if it‘s alright to leave for several days, he thought no such thing is needed. I told him I don‘t feel heard or respected, end result being I‘ll join him over there after the holiday. He offered freely. But I‘d be arriving halfway through the last group day.
I ask him to come pick me up from the airport (very foreign, non euro country plus I was feeling bad about the whole thing) and he reassured me he would. Closer to the date he told me that there was an activity he wanted to do which meant I‘d be waiting 6+ hours if I wanted him to pick me up. He could cancel, but he wouldn‘t. End result I told him to give me detailed explanations on how to get from the airport to where we‘ll stay.
What I‘m having trouble with is that…it feels like he keeps crossing what actually matters to me, but he DOES seem to care about how I feel. He was willing to sacrifice a lot. Taking days off work, changing flights etc. Before he left he set us both up for a subscription to an activity which I know will keep me occupied. It was EXPENSIVE. He‘s written a kind letter for me to read whenever I feel annoyed at him when I‘m away. He‘s happy to pay for my individual therapy because I‘m a clingy, jealous, insecure person (I know this, it‘s not that he told me) and I don‘t like feeling that way. He‘s compulsively writing little details in a document to send to me with hints and tips about the country to make it easy as possible. It‘s now 10+ pages when I was expecting a text of the bus number basically. He‘s talked to people (which he hates doing) to give me more information. And of course, I‘ll be going on holiday.
So it‘s not like he has this complete disregard for me, and my requests can be unreasonable, but the way he‘ll say no to them can be so cruel (as in "I want to do it, so I don‘t care how you feel"). And some things ARE shitty from him, like assuring me he‘ll pick me up then going back on it. And I‘m fluctuating between resenting him for crossing those boundaries of mine that he‘s willing to do all those things in the aforementioned paragraph.
In this whole situation I‘m being treated like a total princess, right? Objectively I‘m seeing all the things he‘s doing for me, but emotionally it feels like I‘ve been walked over. I‘ll say something is important to me, but what he wants overrides that, and in exchange I get some luxury. But I don‘t know, it‘s hard to see this objectively.
My expectations are fucking high considering what‘s actually happening, right? It‘s always been about mutual respect in a relationship for me, not the monetary benefits. Hell we could be shit poor (and with exes I have been) and it‘d be fine so long as I knew every time a conflict came up we‘d think of how we could make it work together instead of thinking of how we get what we want.
I think I just want people to tell me to snap the fuck out of it and see how good I have it.
No. 123693
>>123691Samefag: my summary is you are treated as a humored afterthought.
The fact you feel upset or annoyed at him all the time is extremely related! (Meaningless/insignificant) acts of kindness to make up for larger acts of selfishness makes for a relationship rollercoaster, and makes him an unreliable partner. He's hurting you (symbolically speaking) and then buying the plaster to go over the wound.
No. 123730
>>123689You're being a bit needy, imo. It's called a compromise; you both get somewhat of something you want but not entirely one or the other's way.
You said you felt bad that he wasn't inviting you on the holiday and didn't ask your opinion beforehand.
After the altercation he reneged and let you join after a point which is a reasonable compromise for upsetting you. Btw it is not uncommon for other people on coworker holidays to go without their spouse's approval and tell their spouses that they can't go.
He changed his flights and altered his schedule, and he signed you up for an expensive activity.
Another great compromise.
The downside is that he told you he'd have to pick you up 6 hours later. Surely you could find something to occupy your time? The reason why he's compulsively typing a point to point itinerary after you voiced concern about that is so you cannot accuse him of not being considerate of you again.
I don't see where the problem is here.
No. 123732
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, we own a house together and live together though have not married. I’m not sure if I’m happy in this relationship. I have love for him, but not passion. My main issue is that we rarely ever do anything together (he shoots down most activities I suggest because he would rather stay home on his phone, hates crowded places/people), we’ve also hard arguments about the type of language he uses when we argue (condescending, makes no effort to understand why what he says is hurtful, etc). He’s also gained about 40+ pounds since we’ve been together so I’m not as attracted to him anymore, have suggested working out/doing activities together but nothing. I feel nothing when we have sex though to his credit he does try. I just feel like as far as the relationship goes he’s become complacent and maybe I’m just bored? He does have good qualities though (has helped me through rough times, is generally supportive and always willing to help me with whatever things as needed), but I find myself wondering if this is how I want to live for the rest of my life. It’s complicated because we own a house together but I’ve contemplated breaking up unless we can work on the relationship.
I also feel guilty because I’ve been texting a friend a lot (nothing sexual), I have a small crush on him and I wonder if it’s a sign that I need to end things. I wouldn’t cheat but I think I’m getting into emotional cheating territory and that worries me.
Has anyone been through something similar?
No. 123737
>>123736We’ve talked about this before, he says he is willing to work on some things but I don’t see him taking steps to do that. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t do counseling.
I just don’t know what’s realistic to expect from a relationship that is this long, do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out? I understand that couples will always argue about things but I never expected to feel so dead emotionally.
No. 123743
>>123732Ew, sounds like he's taking you for granted and also doesn't respect you when there are arguments/things don't go his way. No wonder why you aren't attracted to him lmao. I'd really just straight up say the things you told us are ruining your attraction towards him. Certain types of people are selfish and won't change even if they know certain things upset their SO. But once it includes him (no attraction towards him = no sex) he'll straighten up.
Unfortunately it shouldn't be that way, but he seems to be that type
>>123737>do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out?It only burns out once one party stops putting in effort. You don't spend much time together, he's disrespectful towards you, doesn't take care of himself (ie. doesn't care about looking good for you)… Taking each other for granted like that is usually the sign the relationship will die out. The other partner (you) will eventually get worn down by those things and start to resent their SO more and more. It can still be fixed but he needs to change. Or at least you both need to compromise on some things. Really it's up to you if you want to salvage this relationship.
No. 123751
>>123691>>123693Thanks, this gave me some more insight, I‘m glad for the validation. I‘ve been in poverty before so my friends think I‘m the luckiest and have nothing to complain about since I have this new comfortable life.
>he is not prepared to drop anything or change to make you happyThe thing is…I don‘t know what is a reasonable expectation with "changing". I‘ve had issues with being controlling before so I‘m very wary of it. I didn‘t go into the relationship thinking he‘d be great if he changed X character flaw, but I do expect at least a conversation over altering behaviour that clashes when it comes up. I honestly don‘t know what is and isn‘t a reasonable expectation in these situations. His attitude is that he shouldn‘t change something he wants to do to make me happy because my feelings are my responsibility, and I argue back that you should just…by default care about how your partner feels.
He‘s been alone. His whole life. No partners, no real close friends until me, at nearly 30 years old. When a friend or parent visits then goes, he never misses them or is sad to see them go or excited to have them arrive, for that matter. I think the loneliness affected him significantly and he thinks first and foremost about himself and what he wants and that attitude is deeply ingrained. Currently he thinks the fault lies with me for being too demanding of changes in behaviour, but we‘ll do couples counseling and maybe then he‘ll listen when someone else tells him his selfish actions help develop this insecurity. Because I wasn‘t like this when I was single or with other exes. I didn‘t have to insist that they should care about how I feel and take some kind of action towards it because it was just…done.
If he‘s resistant to the idea of being less self centered and won‘t try to change that aspect after seeing it in counseling, then it‘ll be time to drop the relationship. I‘m in a new country with him with no social net, no job and reliant on him so it‘s a very scary prospect. But every time he‘s like "yeah you feel bad but that‘s not my responsibility" it‘s like…my feelings are invalidated a little more, and eventually I‘ll stop expressing it because all it leads to is that he knows how I feel, but still goes ahead and I hurt. Which is a crazy thought because I‘m known to be an emotionally open and vulnerable person, but every time he seems to just see it as an inconvenience to fix.
No. 123780
>>123776Should be his decision but he's being indecisive and that's not nice to you. You don't sound very committed to keeping him, he doesn't sound very committed to keeping you.
Lingering in a doomed relationship, even a short time, isn't always the worst, but it often ends in unnecessary hurt.
Explore whether you want to take that risk, and don't let him be so non-committal about it in future.
No. 123832
>>123776If he's made up his mind about going to grad school, it's completely up to you to decide whether you think it's worth it to invest in a relationship that may potentially end in a year. If you really don't want go through an LDR again, it might be best to tell him the truth and end it before getting too attached. Just as he has every right to follow his career dreams, you have every right to end it if you don't think you can handle the possibility of him leaving in a year.
It's weird because I'm in a similar position to you, but I'm the one who'll be leaving to go to grad school. I've also just started dating someone who is planning to stay in the city for another five years, so it's pretty much guaranteed that we won't be seeing much of each other after a year. Anyway, the point of saying this isn't to blogpost, but I don't think you should leave the decision to him. If the guy I'm dating left it up to me, I'd be totally fine with dating and then either shifting to a LDR or just breaking up when I have to move. I would expect that if he had any objections to that, he would tell me as otherwise I'd assume he was on the same page, so I don't think your boyfriend is necessarily being indecisive. If you really think it's going to be a problem, you should probably end it as he may be totally okay with the situation and assume that you are too. Sometimes people have different priorities in life (education vs settling down) and that can be okay, but if you want a boyfriend who will prioritize a longterm relationship as much as you do, it might be better to look elsewhere.
No. 123908
>>123907Honestly, I'm not sure if the anxiety came from me being by myself for too long or if I prefer to be by myself because I started getting anxiety.
I'm definitely an introvert, but extroverted things still look fun. So I'm leaning towards the latter. I can be social if I have to, it's just exhausting and I'd hate to have to keep that up repeatedly just to find someone that I want to spend time with.
No. 123909
>>123908You're very introverted, it's probably that it's the anxiety that is tiring you out. To be hyper aware in every social situation takes a toll, and it results in avoidant behaviour. Some people say gradual conditioning themselves back into more active social lives helps.
I don't have any personal experience but I'd say that alot of people on this site talk about that alot. You could try mingling with people with people you trust and let them do all the talking if you feel tired.
No. 123910
>>123909Thanks for the advice. I'll ask around and see what's up.
I do think I'm already working my way into being more social, not turning down requests to go to bars to drink with coworkers and the like–I would say it's just a matter of turning situations like that into potentially romantic situations (not that I mean to date my coworkers)
But it's nice to know I'm heading in a decent direction.
No. 123911
>>123904Tinder or similar dating apps. You can find other ‘loners’, tbh it’s probably a more common characteristic among men anyway (I’m assuming you’re a woman seeking a man).
Just take it easy & don’t worry about it. Maybe try just finding a FWB first if it’s the commitment / socialization that stresses you out.
No. 123912
>>123911Tinder and Bumble come to mind, but are there any decent ones outside of that?
To follow up on FWBs
If I'm the type to really want to know and like someone before having sex, would a FWB be a good idea or a bad one?
Because it doesn't seem like too many FWBs transition into relationships.
I'm definitely into commitment, but the socialization that comes before it is what I'm really needing to know more about.
No. 123913
>>123910You are doing great, good luck with it!
Oh and tinder is a questionable option, there's nothing more tiresome than going through a million conversations with guys who usually just want quick hookups.
No. 123933
>>123922That could be the case.
I only ask because he does this somewhat often and it makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
No. 123951
>>123920I know from experience that this exact type of manipulation sucks the life out of you. Maybe he'll get the message if enough women dump his ass for pulling that shit
He wants control, wants you to question your sanity, wants you to beg him to listen, he wants you to defend yourself when you've said nothing offensive.. dump him before your mental health takes a beating
No. 123981
>>123975You're probably thinking how if there was any way to salvage this that you'd do it in a heartbeat. Yet you've done everything you needed to do already. You've had the talks, you've explained your feelings, and still this person persists in writing you off.
3 years is a long time to emotionally invest and love somebody, but don't turn it into 5 or 10 years over someone who doesn't listen or see you. It's called a sunk cost fallacy anon, don't get sucked in.
No. 124003
>>123995Your friend has no idea what gaslighting is.
>was i the bad guy or was he?Depends on the context and how sincere his intention to break up was. If he genuinely can't handle the burden of someone else's mental health issues, he's not the bad guy. If he threatened to break up with you just to shut you up, he's the bad guy.
But why the fuck would you make fun of someone's poor english? I wouldn't blame him for reconsidering the relationship over you being nasty to him.
No. 124010
File: 1569240647947.jpeg (78.09 KB, 482x549, 688EB682-8664-46A7-BF0B-166F6B…)
Is there such thing as Madonna/whore complex in women?? I recently noticed that I have a pattern in relationships. I would go back and forth between dating an abusive asshole and dating a safe loving man. I’d be the high libido cool girl gf in the abusive chaotic relationship. But I completely regress and get sex-repulsed most of the time in an objectively healthy and loving relationship. I think my good guy bf is starting to ask himself where the sexual and spontaneous girl he meet before has gone…
No. 124013
>>124010You don't find the safe option as exciting, sounds like you chase the chemical high of chaotic relationships
Any kinks you could try out with the safe guy to make him appear more exciting? like a change of role just in the bedroom
No. 124083
File: 1569357511355.png (29.39 KB, 174x174, tumblr_pujzdxhqiz1wawrrwo1_250…)
hey guys. I have a crush and need some lesbian advice. How to tell if a girl is into you? I feel like it's very hard to distinguish if a girl wants to be your friend or to be with you.
I have a crush on this one girl and I would love to start dating. I know that she's lesbian and she knows I'm into girls, too. I often catch her looking at me, and when we meet we always hug. Sometimes the touches are longer that a friend would do. My problem is that she's living with another bi girl. We're also studying together, and I think some people want to avoid dating classmates.
No. 124097
>>124083Most wlw will just never talk about it or even try to approach other women, that's why we joke about lesbians being absolutley useless at dating. My take is to be casual about it, if you don't want to be predatory like men. Tell her that you think it would be great for the two of you to go out sometime, only if she wants to ofc.
And dating fellow classmates it's not that bad, if things don't work just be mature about it and try not to end in bad terms so you can still work with them
No. 124148
I think this subject has already been brought up, buuut here it goes
I’m on a ldr and it’s been unbearable to communicate with my bf online. In 3 years of relationship, his efforts to talk to me through text kinda died.
No matter what I’m saying, he’ll only respond with “nice”, “great” or ask me about subjects I like that he clearly isn’t interested in (that I kinda stopped talking about because I noticed how he never pays attention to what I’m saying and never remembers things I told him).
I find it so strange because he stays literally the whole day chatting with friends via text and I know he doesn’t ever stop with them, even though they live close by and can meet to talk anytime they want. Like, he doesn’t stop messaging them even when he’s with me, I already had to ask him to put his phone down during meals and any other situation.
With me, I just feel like he isn’t that interested in starting any type of conversation though. When we meet, things are way better on that field, but we spend most of the months speaking online.
I don’t know how to talk about this with him because whenever I tell him about something negative on our relationship, it becomes a fucking snowball, doesn’t matter how softly I try to word it. He always turns the smallest problems into something enormous and literally drains all my energy.
So yeah, please send help
No. 124158
>>124148doesn't sound like a relationship to me.
>whenever I tell him about something negative on our relationship, it becomes a fucking snowball, doesn’t matter how softly I try to word itthen why try to sugarcoat it? doesn't matter what you say, the outcome is always the same.
you're unhappy. a relationship is a two way street. he has to put effort in too.
dump him.
No. 124159
>>124148Anon, relationships are like a garden. Sometimes when the garden's sparse, you can still save it. Making sure to plant new seeds, water it every day, and check that the temperature and soil is just right.
But if you've been doing all those things and have yet to bear the fruits of your efforts, it's time to move on and seek other lands.
This guy sounds like a dud, don't you think after three years of trying to make this work that you deserve someone who could bear to talk with you and at least pretend to be interested in what you like?
Don't get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy believing that if you only try to put more and more into making this work that it will pay off. Would you be okay if at year five nothing's changed? If not, leave now.
No. 124164
>>123975Hey same situation, but only a year in. I‘ve gone from someone open about how I feel to being reluctant and worrying if what I‘m feeling is irrational or whatever.
I feel like I‘m falling into this trap. That I repeat myself in arguments and that I‘m insecure, but if he just heard and made an effort and wasn‘t so unstable when it comes to how he feels, I think these things would go. I wouldn‘t keep pushing if he actually tried.
Anyway, at some point I was telling him how I feel and he said it‘s ridiculous I feel that way. I told him it‘s difficult to remain an open person to someone so closed up. That all I get is criticism for trusting him enough to be honest and unfair that he won‘t offer anything to make himself vulnerable, that he only attacks.
We‘ll be going to couples counseling and I hope that‘ll open avenues for him to communicate and generally be more open.
If not, I won‘t be wasting 3 years. You can‘t make someone love you, care about you and make an effort for you. It sucks because when there are no issues (given his rug sweeping there rarely are) it‘s a happy relationship. But that doesn‘t cover the scope of a serious, long term relationship.
I‘m lucky because I‘ve had previous relationships where the bf‘s passion to work things out matched mine, and it all felt so much healthier than this. I didn‘t question myself like I do these days.
sage because honestly I‘m trying to tell myself this more than anything else. It feels so easy to slip into complacency.
No. 124242
>>124174>I told him that I don’t know if I can make him anything else for presents cause it hurts I never have had anything back Sounds totally fair to me. Maybe it might be nice for you two to do a craft project together if you want to open up some creativity, such as learning a skill together or something as simple as working as a team to assemble a cute terrarium with a little scene inside.
You should stop comparing yourself to girls he flirted with before you got together though, you've been together three years now.
>>124227It's good you're direct, everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff and it's only a problem when it causes problems. Why not ask your partner how he feels about it? Is he as open as he would like to be and does he want you to open up more?
No. 124258
>>124249I'm just afraid of giving off the redflag of escalating too quickly and being clingy. I don't have borderline or anything but I do get excited about new people in my life.
You're probably right though. I need someone to match my energy.
No. 124389
Is my relationship over?
I‘m clingy and bf is avoidant when it comes to disagreements, so fights are long and ugly because I don‘t back off, because otherwise the issue won‘t work out.
So he never has constructive opinions on how things work out. He never has and as soon as shit gets tough he backs out. At best it‘s been asking me "so what should we do?". And he wants to break up, reasoning being the ill feeling from fighting ugly, like all the issues he has stems from this.
We‘ve now set up an appointment with a therapist, but he remains hopeless. Personally, I don‘t like being the one with no shame asking him to have hope when I‘m met with a stony face. But we‘ve invested in the long term, currently I have no means to support myself (though I‘m searching hard for a job) and a whole lot would go to shit because we‘re both in a foreign country. I find us compatible in everyday and future things and most importantly happy when we don‘t disagree on something, so I think it can work out IF we both learn how to argue in a healthy way and not build resentment.
At the same time I won‘t accept a one sided relationship where I‘m not getting the respect, love and consideration I believe I deserve. But I‘d like to try professional help, before giving in myself fully. But is there even a chance at this point from his end? He‘s told me yes it would be good if things go well in therapy, but stays in this state of negativity.
No. 124391
>>124389This sounds unhealthy as fuck from both of your sides. Why would either of you even want to stay together when the dynamic is so glaringly unhealthy?
You should be single and work on your clinginess so that you can feel validated without constant reassurance. He should learn to communicate his emotions like an adult instead of ignoring shit.
No. 124393
>>124391Well my hope is that the dynamic can be healthier with therapy.
He has a habit of saying damning things during an argument (eg I don‘t care for you|this relationship) then when things stabilize he‘ll go back on it like it never happened. Because I think he emotionally shuts off, then when the feelings come back "on", it‘s like fine. Which is why I‘m wondering if a proper proposal to break up at this point (still with emotional shutdown though) does kind of seal the deal that it‘s over for good.
I mean, in other relationships i‘ve never had insecurity this bad, because I was given some sort of assurance in the first place, because exes could actually talk instead of me having to ask for it. It‘s snowballed into this negative feedback thing. I was never really a crier until this relationship. So personally I think it‘s salvageable IF we both work on ourselves. But at the same time I‘m bad at telling when things are over.
No. 124394
>>124393Therapy might help but the relationship seems to be built on shit. Is the amount of work needed to get on track really worth it?
Months and months that he may not even contribute to…all that gruelling emotional labour to learn about ‘I statements’ and love languages and effective communication can have fantastic results if you’re both committed but this is a guy who says ‘I don’t even like you’ and essentially ends the relationship because of a disagreement. Is he indicating any willingness to attend therapy and look st his behaviour critically?
No. 124404
>>124389I hate avoidant men.
I'm not trying to sound too biased in your favor anon, but no couple should ever go to bed angry. He needs to stop being a coward and actually stick around to talk shit out with you, and you need to constructively state your beef without getting too aggressive. History will repeat itself in either of your future relationships if you don't learn from this.
Sorry to say anon, but when a man says he wants to break up that's usually the death blow to a relationship. He's already checked out.
I think for your own sake what with you not having a job, you should try to keep things afloat for now. But once you get a job and get your independence back, dump him and seek a relationship with the respect you deserve from it. Make sure your next man has some balls.
No. 124406
>>124389"relationship where I‘m not getting the respect, love and consideration I believe I deserve"
Anon you have nothing to even work with here. This ship will sink no matter what you try
No. 124420
>>124412>i wouldn't dare break up with him on the phone or textWhat's your reasoning that this isn't a legitimate option in the case of an LDR?
You're telling me it's better for this guy to build up hope for your next meet and then you either a) Knock his blocks down by saying you want to dump him right off the bat of it, or b) You pretend your way through the meet with your intentions of dumping him before he leaves thus giving him ammo to hate you for essentially being a fake the entire time?
No offense but this is a virtual relationship, it's not like you've had a serious irl commitment.
It sucks to be the "bad guy" to end a relationship when the other person didn't necessarily do anything wrong. However that's all you gotta say and you could probably say it better in an email or something anyway. All you need to explain is that you didn't develop any romantic feelings but it's not because of something he did. Be honest in that you still don't want to lose him as a friend.
You might have to accept the possibility that you'll lose him too.
No. 124432
>>124412as someone who was in a similar situation last year, the sooner you break up with him the better. DON'T wait to do it in person, it'll make things that much worse.
He's going to invest a lot of his energy and time to come visit you with the assumption that everything is going well and it'll be a pleasant trip. He's going to be blindsided by you dumping him, especially since you said you guys had fun together this last time.
It'll be easier for you and him if you're just honest now. Breakups always suck but it's going to get worse the longer you drag it out.
No. 124447
File: 1569922721815.jpg (99.94 KB, 1024x1019, 1556656023335m.jpg)
>Move in with BF, we go 50/50 on bills but I work much longer hours than him; usually get in after 20:00 every night while he gets in 15:00 at the latest
>We have a set weekly meal plan, he cooks on two nights whilst I cook for the rest
>On Mondays I leave food ready for him to cook when he gets in, there's always enough for both
>He only cooks for himself
>I get in when he wants to go to sleep and have to stand there cooking my own meal
>I've tried explaining to him that I find it upsetting that he can't even consider the fact that I'm tired and want to eat after another long day
>He says he didn't cook for me in case he didn't do it right, and it would be cold by the time I get home
>He's literally seen me get in and reheat whatevers there in a microwave to eat
>He's now being short-tempered and stand offish with me
>I also do all the cleaning and ironing on my days off
Am I being unreasonable or what? I literally cannot fathom his thought process at the moment.
>Anonette finishes late tonight and has a long drive home, better get myself something to eat so I can get a couple hours on the Xbox!
No. 124450
>>124447no you're not being unreasonable.
Have you tried talking with him about it? Considering he's being stand offish there might be something that bothers him as well. You need to clear the air before it blows out of proportion. I also feel the household chores could be divided more fairly considering you're working longer days than he is.
No. 124451
>>124450I spoke to him last night about it, and that's why he's being standoffish; throwing out excuses instead of acknowledging that I have a point or apologising.
Will report in once I've spoken to him tonight.
No. 124476
>>124470>>124455Got home and he'd already cooked dinner for the next few days in advance.
Didn't apologize, but I'm glad he listened :)
No. 124513
File: 1570018440420.jpeg (26.79 KB, 686x386, EFKBTZZX4AU8QWh.jpeg)
>>124511girl do we actually gotta tell you he's a baldfaced pedo
he's a baldfaced pedo. i recommend finding a male who actually enjoys an adult body over… fucking 14 year olds lmfao holy shit
No. 124518
>>124511The DDLG thing is one thing when it's two -adults- taking part in it together but when he's 21 and looking at 14 year olds who role play even younger… sounds like he has an attraction to a certain age group, one that can't consent
Oh and he's not even ashamed enough to try and hide it.. I'm surprised your gut isn't already telling you to run anon
No. 124527
>>124522Ah ok. I thought he was following them because of the shared interest of DDLG, so why is he following them then? Cos he fancies 14 year olds?
Anon if you're not trolling you're really downplaying some massive red flags there
No. 124532
>>124527I don't fucking know maybe he just likes their feeds and I'm overreacting
He happens to follow many girls and some happen to be 14-17 but is that enough to really be worried about and jealous of idk
No. 124541
>>124532Anon you wouldn't be here mentioning this to us if you didn't already think this is dodgy as fuck, so why can't you accept a handful of women confirming that yes it is dodgy and there is no excuse for a 21 year old man taking so much interest in 14 year old girls
I wouldn't even confront or argue the issue with him, I'd cut him out of my life if I were in your place
No. 124571
>>124532As plenty of other anons have said, yes, this is creepy and you should dump him.
He's 21, he has no business following 14 year old girls online. It would be weird even if he wasn't in to DDLG - and that bit of context makes it twice as gross. Orbiting teenaged girls on insta to get your degenerate fetish satiated?! Not okay.
Besides the blatant red flags for 'chases underage tail', do you really respect yourself that little to date such an actual degenerate? Dude's nasty. Dump him. Don't be his friend, either.
No. 124575
>>122983my relationship is getting to a "dull" stage. we've been together for 2 years now. i'm 20 and he's 26. we live together and our daily routines dont really change that much… go to work/school, come back home,eat,watch tv…kind of like an old couple that's been together for years. i kind of miss when we were first dating and how much he wanted me(sexually). he says he loves me of course but i feel like it's not the same. i don't know. this is the first serious relationship i have…
what should i do to bring back that spark in our lives? i love him a lot and don't wanna lose him.
No. 124590
>>124575You guys are in totally different, incompatible life stages. It wont work out, whatever you try.
He's not trying to bring the spark back himself because this arrangement suits him, which is normal for his age and xp lvl. You want to, because that's what people at your age and xp lvl are looking for.
But do you really want to settle at 20?!?! Without knowing anything else the world has to offer?
It's time for you to part ways. And time to get that first xp point - learning when and why to break up a serious relationship.
Hint: love is never enough. You need a lot of other things to make a relationship work, and one of the major ones is compatibility. You don't have that. You should both look for someone more compatible with your age-appropriate desires and goals.
No. 124607
>>124575Relationships do tend to get like that after a couple of years living together but at 20 you shouldn't be in that dull of a situation. It seems like the age gap is too much given how young you are
If you were older I would suggest working on the spark but at 20 you might just be settling down much too early
No. 124608
>>124586The search history is worrying
Alot of couples don't spend Christmas together after only a few months of dating though, 4 months is a pretty short period of dating so maybe you are more attached right now than he is?
I would suggest talking to him about Thailand and it's reputation when it comes to sex tourism.. it's the exact reason why alot of guys go on men-only holidays there so I would be suspicious about that
No. 124641
>>124631Why does it have to be your burden to bear? You didn't make any vows, you tested the waters of a relationship like any other person does and decided that the situation isn't for you.
BTW-some men use their medical disabilities to guilt women into dating them, esp women who would normally be out of their league. It's a form of coercion, and it looks like you're being suckered in.
You don't have to be mean, but you don't owe him anything. Why don't men like that hunt for other women with equally serious conditions if they want someone to truly empathize? You're holding yourself back in your youth for him and it's not right. You have options.
No. 124648
>>124641>Why don't men like that hunt for other women with equally serious conditions if they want someone to truly empathize?I mean, you can't say that they haven't. I'm not sure painting the guy as manipulative with so little information is helpful to anyone.
That being said,
>>124631 doesn't sound like a situation that's going to improve for either of you over time. Definitely sounds like you just need to break up with him and be as honest as possible. I can't guarantee it'll turn out wonderfully but I can guarantee that trying to keep a relationship going based on guilt will end catastrophically.
No. 124695
>>122983I feel like a terrible person.
I was completely obsessed with this older guy for the past two years. I had never fell completely for someone before him. Everything about us was compatible and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. Last spiring, I used to wait for him before his classes with baked goods hoping I could win him over (I never gave them to him because tbh, that was a little creepy)
Last summer we started hanging out often and I felt that things were developing, but he told my best friend that although he was interested, he didn't want to start a relationship right before he started at university. Then autumn came and he left, and I was left alone.
After months of moping I knew I had to move on. I started dating my current boyfriend last November. I knew that him and the other guy had been friends in the past, but since guy #1 was out of the picture I didn't think it would be a big deal.
Now it is. We all ended up at the same university and I sit next to guy #1 in two of my classes. He's super into me now and while I love my boyfriend, I just feel like me and the first guy are meant to be. I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, but we fight about so many stupid things (politics and our future together are big ones). I just think I would be so much happier with the first guy, but I dont want to hurt my boyfriend by breaking up with him for our mutual friend. I have no idea what to do. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I feel like its inevitable at this point…
No. 124698
>>124648>>124648I know a cripple who enjoys guilt tripping women into getting into a relationship with him. Then cheats on them with girls he guilt tripped into doing stuff with him by pulling the 'I never got to lose my virginity before I got into this situation' spiel.
Just because someone has medical issues, doesn't mean they are innocent and harmless. Don't assume it would be incredibly hard for him to find someone else to date, you'd be surprised.
No. 124729
>>124695>. I love my boyfriend, but we fight about so many stupid things (politics and our future together are big ones)I think you have a very clear idea about what to do. Do not ever be together with someone out of pity or fear of hurting them.
I wouldn't be this happy with the man of my life if I didn't heard my gut about my boyfriend, who also was bestfriends with my ex.
No. 124741
>>124096Eh, I think women are different than men in that we can have many "types."
Personally I love tall shy skelly girls, but also chubby alt girls, but also small butch girls, etc.
Point is she's probably not comparing you at all.
No. 124743
I didn't know where to post this so I just give up and decided to put it here. (Sorry for the incoming bad English, I'm not a native speaker)
I have a psychotic depression (this is important for the context) it's similar to bipolar disorder in a lot of things, 2 years ago I ended my longest relationship until now, it use to be a long distance relationship, but used to go to visit several times in a year, and I was the one who went to visit his house in another state since for me it was like a short vacation also it was easy to go than dealing with my family issues at home (my father never liked never liked the idea of having men in the house, we where 3 women living alone since my parents are separated). There were good times, but also a lot bad things mostly caused by him that finally destroy the trust inside the relationship, this didn't help with mental health, I used to suffer long periods of severe deppresion and psychosis that got worse with the pass of time, my last diagnosis was when I was 19 yrs old, when the shit hit the fan
I was 25 that was when the second serious suicide attemp happened, he knew about it but not my family, they support me to get medical help again and try to get a new diagnosis so I ask him to come, he was my boyfriend and also it was a very delicate time where any kind of emotional support was welcome, even my mother talked to him explaining that his presence could ve a great help, it was hard for her since it was only me and my younger sister, if any kind of medical emergence happened she would need extra help to carry me to the hospital in the worst case. A month passed, he didn't came,
I asked one more time, 3 months passed, I started my new medication and everything starts to go better than ever, now with a more stable mind and started to think with clarity I finally realized that the relationship didn't contribute anything positive in my life at that point, there were still feelings of course, but the trust was literally destroyed over and over and leave me in that could
be leading in a possible death made decided to put an end.
He didn't like it, and lived in denial for a year, but finally we stay as "friends", but he always mentioned how much wanted to go back together wherever the chance appears (we lived in a three world
country, our original plan was to move out together someday). A week ago he said that got a new gf, that's fine for me, still feel a bit hurt remembering the good time and how everything went to shit
but life must go on, the problem is that now he always mentions her and post things about her in places that he KNOWS I'm gonna see it, I don't use social media anymore, just DM's, he also doesn't like
to share his personal life, but until he made me know about his new gf this kind of thing started from nowhere, pictures, drawing, states, a lot of stuff per day for someone who doesn't used to be like this.
I'm not a paranoid person (even with my now more stable brain) but the highly suspition that all of this if being made with malicious intentions towards me is there.
I now that I'm gonna forget all about this in a few months, but still feels like shit. There's the option of block him or delete his contact but still he hasn't done anything "too bad" since we split out
to that, I rather just ignore his things.
But still, in this very moment feels like shit.
No. 124749
>>124743Yeah it's definitely intentional. They always think they're being subtle, but theyre laughably transparent when they're trying to show the new gf to the old one.
Its pretty clear youre not as chill as you say you are about moving on, otherwise why do you care. And why do you feel hesitant to block him if he's upsetting you.
You made the decision that he wasn't good for you but you're not following through, you still allow him to do it. Either ask for him back and deal with the stuff you don't like about him or block him.
No. 124773
>>124743Any ex who directly messages you with pictures of their new gf/bf is wanting to make you feel bad. Unless you said you're okay with that, it's very unusual, tone deaf, and uncaring. Tell him to get some mates if he needs someone else to share his pictures with.
You're using the fact that he has not done anything 'too bad' to cling on because you're not over him. Sister, keeping contact with him is only going to make you feel worse in the long run. I'm friends with a few exes myself, but none of them disrespected me like that post breakup.
No. 124782
>>124749>>124764>>124773Thank you all for your honest opinions.
I didn't express my feelings towards all the situation since it was kind of a vent, I'm not very used to do that
but I wanted to hear a different point of view. The thing that mades me feel upset is the malicious intentions in a "friendship" context, I was naive to expect a mutual relationship of respect and maybe empathy as people who are not
together anymore as a couple but that shares a lot of things in common, such as type of work, tastes, people in common, etc.
Even after the breakup there was some apparent mutual concern for each other (at least it was what I used to think), not overly attached but enough to share opinions and advices on some life/work related things, but this thing showed me that he was a worst person that I imagine. I strongly believe that a relationship between people can work differently after a break up and that a light friendship is possible, he was (I must admit) a little selfish bitch as a boyfriend
but he used to be a funny chill guy as a friend, for that main reason I used to keep some affection for him knowing that we shared a lot of things when we used to be together, as I said before, finding out more of his true color even out of a relationship is what makes me bitter. And of course I give you all the reason, and I already made the choice before the vent of letting die any kind of comunication from now on.
I'm doing fine now and taking care of myself and the other aspects of my life, it was just the kind of things that makes you bitter for some moments and it's a completely new experience for me,
since all of my previous relationship endend in a more drastic way without any chance of futher communication.
No. 124804
>>122983My ex broke up with me last year in such a shitty way, we were living together and he planned to go on a solo holiday cos my anxiety was so bad I knew I couldn't travel. The day that he's due to leave he breaks up with me.. and then while I'm still crying over the unexpected news he's packing MY hitachi vibrator into his suitcase for his away
I'm home alone for what turned into ten days panicking over where I'm meant to live after this. He ignores all contact except for one phone call where he screams at me. He comes home and talks about how great his new gf is. His suitcase has both my sex toys in it and packaging from new ones that they bought.. all carefully left out for me to see
I have a month to find a place to live, he initiates sex with me nightly despite his new fantastic gf that he brags about. I'm an idiot and fuck him half of those times. I move house and from time to time he texts me to check how I am doing and tell me things like him getting a kitten with his gf
A year later I get a new gf myself and he stops his usual texts as soon as he hears this, he wanted to rub his happiness in my face for the last year after I did nothing to upset him in the first place. I hate men
No. 124813
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>>124810I wasn't going to reply because I'm more of non-participating lurker, but we are similar. I like to draw, write, concept, and talk in-depth about world building and story telling. If you hide your authentic self, you are going to be miserable.
I had a boyfriend last year, and I attempted to make myself less nerdy and more "appealing" by not sharing my passions, but it just upset me more and made me a shell of a person. It is more fulfilling to find the people that love those features about you, rather than trying to fit with the people who reject your passions. I'm just a random stranger on the internet… but never settle for dumb fools you can't be your complete, whole self with. There are so many people out there who share your same hobbies. Spending time on the internet sometimes feels hopeless and reductive (I definitely know this all too well). There are people out there that are hoping to meet a person like you, with your hobbies. Don't hide what you love anon!!!! You are you!!!
No. 124817
>>124810I cannot fathom how or why fanfic as a hobby would become a problem in dating or attracting people. Why would you even bring it up unless you're already extremely close? Nothing wrong with liking fic, I sure do, but talking about it openly is sheer autism. It's a private hobby that doesn't need to be shared with others. If you're driving people away it's the sperginess, not the hobby.
Changing the way you interact socially isn't really changing yourself as a person, just putting your best foot forward and becoming more open over time.
No. 124824
>>122983An update to this:
We have our first couples therapy appointment very soon. Through reading the replies I decided that as the relationship is, I‘m not currently satisfied and am looking for a job to regain independence and leave ASAP. If the bf actually takes in what‘s wrong with his behavior and works on them while I‘m doing this, I‘ll continue to try work on it.
So things happened as I envisioned, he‘s been acting very considerate and caring the past week, and it seems genuine because usually he‘ll be clearly passive aggressive otherwise. It‘s very tempting to get comfortable again but he hasn‘t actually said anything affirming since saying the shit that destabilised our relationship. And I‘m now always consciously aware that the only reason things are going OK is because nothing‘s come up that goes against what he wants.
I don‘t know how to approach the therapy. Do I come straight out the gate and list all the shit? Or take a gentler approach?
Something showcased his 180 in attitude to a T. So on the form it was asked what we want to address in therapy. In the moment he was going to write he wants to break up, and that‘s it. But he ACTUALLY wrote it 2 days afterwards, and the only thing related to the problems he just wrote "we‘re having difficulties", otherwise it was this light hearted thing about us and how we met, not directly saying any issues whatsoever.
So I‘m worried that because he‘s fine, he‘ll act as if nothing is wrong and we won‘t progress. Alternatively, if problems ARE brought up that he‘s uncomfortable with then he‘ll adopt a shitty unhelpful attitude designed to push me away.
No. 124829
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>>124810Anon, believe me, people who sincerely like you will like you no matter how much or how little you "fit" in. Not even speaking about romance here, just in general! You'll know it right away when it happens: you'll meet someone who will be happy to hear you talk even if they don't share your exact same interests, and they'll never make you feel like you don't matter. Don't settle for anything less anon! Ganbatte!
No. 124860
>>124817Not all fanfiction is weird erotic stuff, so I don't think that it should be an issue any more than any other specific writing habit. I think expanding universes has its own kind of wonder rather than creating something from scratch.
But really, the fan fiction was just an example–that's not the first thing I talk about nor is it the biggest thing I'm into.
No. 124906
>>124865Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww. This one is so sweet.
Just take it slow. There's no need for anything more than shallow while you're getting to know each other. If you develop further feelings for him, follow them. If not, you can say bye. Don't be hung up on commitment, check to see if it's going anywhere before you worry about where it's going.
No. 124923
I don't have anyone to turn to and I really need some sort of outside view of my problem with my boyfriend.
For background info, me and my boyfriend are in a LDR for about a year and a half now. Both in our early twenties, we met online and we've lived together for a month, 10 months in our relationship then he had to go back.
Last night on video call, we were about to sleep and he asked me "Have you ever faked an orgasm with me?" I replied and said, "Never. Except that one time when we were together and immediately told you I didn't cum after you came and told you I wanted to go again."
He was taken aback by this and told me I lied to him before and because he said I told him before that I never faked an orgasm not even one time. He tried masking his saltiness as a meme and said "I'm never going to do it with you again, Good night."
I HATE it when he does this. I've told him a million times that I can not sleep if he ends the night like that because I become very irritable to even sleep because I WOULD want to explain myself but he does this all the effing time because he has no problem sleeping.
I ended up staying up til the 4 in the morning because my mind was racing and I was just annoyed that when I tried talking to him last night, no matter how I said "hello?" he just shut his eyes and went to sleep.
Next day, I told him "I apologize for coming off aloof, I wasn't able to sleep well so I'm not in a right head space." then proceeded to ask him if he was actually salty, he said yes he was because of the fact that I lied to him, when in my point of view and I didn't lie to him because I thought that I told him already immediately when it happened so it's not actual lying but more of us remembering things differently. I tried explaining that to him but he refused to talk it out and just says "It's not that deep, you lied to me that's it." He refused to hear me out on my explanation and he refused to hear out the fact that I was hurt when I was trying to explain to him last night but he just ended it with a "Good night." and shut his eyes.
I asked him if he's available for a voice call and he said "chill out first" I told him I AM and but he was obviously getting annoyed and refused to communicate and projected his feelings onto me.
I asked him again please, if we could just communicate and hear each other out cause I just wanted to be okay with him but he just responded with "Go chill out first, do your chores, shower or something." At that point I just couldn't help but break down and feel helpless.
He's just so sarcastic with his replies no matter how I try to make my points across in a calm manner and diffuse it every now and then by calling him babe and telling him I love him.
But he just goes ahead and say "Go ahead and talk then but I'm done with this conversation, I've said my part."
I just feel so disrespected in a way that all I wanted was for him to hear me out, my explanation but he refused to and told me I was just dragging it out when he also could've just became an understanding boyfriend and say something like "Alright babe, I hear you and maybe we do just remember things differently, also sorry for ignoring you last night."
Throughout the conversation he just goes ahead make remarks like "lul" and say something like "yeah i'm listening to your 'Listen' for the nth time." whenever I preface my sentence with "Listen". He does sarcastic and really cold remarks like that even when I'm crying and vulnerable and tells me there-s nothing wrong with his replies, I-m just sensitive.
He loves being right and when he's over the conversation he refuse to ever participate or even be empathetic when I tell him how hurt I am when he gets a certain way.
I'm so lost and over this kind of treatment. I told him last time I wouldn't take this kind of treatment anymore especially since whenever I talk to him I don't speak to him in a disrespectful manner and make stupid remarks.
I fucking love him, he's sweet and I think he's my soulmate and he's not always this much of an asshole, only when we're about to get in an misunderstanding he gets really annoyed. I want us to work but he's stone cold. He used to be open, himself be vulnerable and used to communicate with me but now, I don't see it anymore. Whenever he gets this way, I even give him space that maybe he'll think things through on his own or even miss me enough to stop being cold and sarcastic but it doesn't work anyway. Eventually I just have to give in and let go of it in a way sweep it under the rug, then he gets over it.
I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being treated this way and I don't know what to do to get through. I know I can't force him to change and maybe I should really just accept that he's this way but it's also pretty hard since like I said he used to be different.
I feel hopeless.. am I just being too sensitive and crazy? what can I do?
No. 124927
>>124923Anon, this is ridiculous. How old are you guys, 12? Your boyfriend is not your soulmate, but an angry manbaby that doesn’t respect you. And you don’t have any self respect, either, as you are taking the blame, apologizing to him and thinking you are the sensitive and crazy one. Your bf made a non-issue a huge deal and you caved in immediately. What can you do? I know the type your bf is and you can either show him your boundaries, speak up against him and not let him treat you like his personal cuck, or you just tell him to fuck off and find someone who respects you. As this has happened before and you already talked about consequences, the latter might be better. What you shouldn’t do: Continue whining in front of him and being so dependant, this will give his sarcastic ass even more power, and the dynamics in your relationship are fucked already.
No. 124930
>>124927It stings hearing this but you're right.
It's true I am dependent on him. It is taking a toll on my self worth.
I've been starting to take steps on being more independent and building my confidence and self worth. It fucking hurts since I didn't have much before I met him so I don't really have much to work with to begin with but I'm working on it lol
>>124928I see how it sounds stupid as fuck in the eyes of others but idk it's just that this is my first ever relationship so I'm still learning.
No. 124931
>>124923Oh I‘ve been in these before. Like others said he has a lack of respect for you. There‘s a big power imbalance in his favor and it really says a lot about him that he chooses to hurt you with it.
He‘s fully aware of what he‘s doing to you, OK? Don‘t try excuse him otherwise. He just doesn‘t care. I‘m sorry. He‘s become far too comfortable with the fact that he can hurt you in a way it wouldn‘t be acceptable to hurt a friend or family member, and is used to there being no consequences.
It‘s at the point where at the end of it what he says is taken as fact and all you can do is appeal to him. A healthy argument has both people listening to each other, not one of them deciding "how it is", and that‘s what you‘ve got right now.
And really, in terms of him becoming as he was I‘d say it‘s possible, but the fact that he can‘t stay a decent human being as the status quo says a lot, and you‘ll never be able to be vulnerable, because he‘ll take the power he can get and you‘d need to always, always watch out for that. The beginning was him feeling out, slowly, what the boundaries are and you kept giving and giving away. That‘s not who he is.
As an exercise you should turn the tables on him. Instead of saying "please listen" say "there‘s no point because you never have listened and you won‘t now" state it as a fact and put the onus on HIM to prove otherwise. He can panic, and in my experience he can double down on trying to make you feel upset, up the accusation or even revoke his feelings to get you to panic. And if you don‘t react to that, then he‘ll properly panic and maybe try sweep the whole thing under the rug. Because he‘s come to assume control over how you feel and he won‘t like losing that.
I mean, that‘s just if you want to see it demonstrated. I wouldn‘t recommend getting into it because the whole thing is a losing game. I‘ve often been upset after breakups with those people but I have never, ever regretted it.
No. 124936
>>124933Why not have a family with a woman?
I also think you should try and see other therapists. I don't see why a therapist can't help you overcome your trauma and help you with anxiety. Although it does sound conversion-y if you want to specifically see a therapist to help you date men.
And a man that isn't ready to deal with your trauma and isn't the right man to have a family with, period. They should be accepting and supportive.
No. 124946
>>124923"I told him last time I wouldn't take this kind of treatment anymore"
You honestly need to cut off all contact. This guy isn't anyones 'soulmate'. He'll spend many years turning girlfriends into nervous wrecks with his mind games, reality is people don't go from being this emotionally
abusive to being mature overnight or even within years. Save yourself all the suffering
No. 124964
>>124923He's playing you like a fiddle, amazing how even when there are no problems in a relationship a guy will invent one, like the nonexistent problem of you pretending to orgasm one time and then admitting it ten seconds later, which he is now "offended" by
I suggest getting more people to talk to that don't find leaving you to go to bed on an argument an amusing way to spend their time
No. 125024
>>122983Just broke up with my bf of almost 3 months a few days ago. I had ongoing issues with him in the past until the point that it became unbearable.
The relationship happened really fast at the beginning. He kept telling me how he loved me even before we even met, which was weird and bizarre to me but I kind of dismissed it due to the culture barrier between us (I'm British, hes Korean). To add to how fast it was going he wanted to be my bf after our first date and tbf our "date" was really strange like we went to a motel and then we ate food. It seemed like he didn't put any effort for a first date.
Our dating was mostly by dm's, we didn't actually meet that much in person like we met only 8 times. He said because he lives with his parents who don't know about our relationship that he didn't want them to cause problems so he wanted to make an excuse to them so he could see me secretly.
I felt something was missing as even though I was in a relationship. I still felt alone and single? I hung out with my friends for the emotional connections that he didn't fill. I started to feel like I couldn't truly be myself and show my more serious side to him. He was "childlike" in the sense that he enjoyed joking around all the time so being with him felt really superficial and I felt I had to hold back the problems I had with him not investing enough in the relationship. I remember I got angry at him because he always cancels date plans with me the day before and I remember getting annoyed and he would simply say things like: "But I will come tomorrow, you are not a little girl etc." Tbh what upset me the most was that he didn't seem very apologetic and seemed nonchalant whenever he cancelled plans with me.
As time went by I kept my patience just trying to not seem clingy to him, but once again he cancelled on me and I got upset. He kept saying "Don't be angry? Why are you angry?" And things became a little quiet for a while.
To add: this guy was planning to stay in Japan for 2 months on a vacation. I was a little sad but he didn't seem to understand why and kept saying things like "Don't be sad! Why are you sad?" and kept telling me that he would live with me when he came back from Japan which btw, he invited himself to come and stay with me. He never actually asked me beforehand but I just went along with it.
So when we met before he left for Japan I confronted him about the issues in our relationship then he told me that his opinion of me had changed as he thought of me as this soft and kind person until I started showing my emotions and when I got upset when he was being flaky with me. He told me that he didn't like that and he stopped loving me at that moment. At that moment my heart sunk and I cried when I got back home and when I told him about it he got annoyed and said "Why do you keep going on about this? It's over lets move on" and put a bored emoji. I got upset and I retalied saying "Ok then I will shut up." He then messaged me later with a sad emoji and I asked why he sent it and he said "Because you said you would shut up."
Anyways, he left for Japan and continued to put no effort in communication. He would only send 3 messages a day on average and there was even a time that there was a typhoon and he didn't even bother to message me for the whole day considering I got worried. He didn't even like calling me on the phone, which he told me he would do when he was in Japan. I was on the phone to him once and I asked him if we could phone again tomorrow and he was like "No! I don't like phoning you everyday because I will miss you more if I call you often so lets call once every 2 days." I was okay with that until I realised that he never kept his word and only sent me messages once every 6 hours or so.
It came to the limit when I planned to go to Japan to see him but because our relationship was already bad I planned a little so he wasnt the primary focus on the trip. He told me that I could come to Japan whenever and we could meet each other.
But when I arrived in Japan, no surprise he told me that he was to busy rewriting his thesis to meet with me even for a short time. I knew that he failed it and was supposed to write it again but the fact that he did not even give the time for me made me so upset and angry.
I continuously got angry with him until I asked if he wanted this relationship or not. The thing is I did suggest breaking up before but he didn't want to. This time however he said that he was tired too and wanted to stay friends with me and meet me in Busan when he came back from Korea. He told me not to be sad and when I asked he said that he still liked me but didn't know his feelings towards me anymore.
This is the worst breakup I have ever had. I feel like I caused the problems in the relationship because I was too emotional "strong" in it. I haven't eaten for 2 days I just hope I can get through this…
No. 125042
>>125031>my girlfriend is super busy right now doing extra projects… i’m of course super understanding but i text her anyways while she's working despite her frustrated repliesStop texting her while you know she's working. Stop being needy and annoying by trying to distract her, and requiring a response. She's working and obviously doesn't want to be distracted or "reassured."
How long has she been this preoccupied? How long have you been together? Is she more attentive when she's not under so much pressure at school?
No. 125050
>>125024this guy sounds like a fucking liar, not gonna sugar-coat it. who the hell finds out that their gf came
to another country for them and then is like 'naaaahhh, i'm too busy writing a thesis, you can't come over'
you'd think he'd at least take a 30-minute break to meet at a cafe or something, jesus fucking christ. glad you guys aren't dating anymore, this guy is like a flaming trash heap made up entirely of warning signs.
No. 125051
>>124810Hey anon
Similar situation here when I was younger, so I think I’ve got a handle on what you’re talking about.
Compromise. Being ‘yourself’ is all well and good but keep in mind that other people want to ‘be themselves’ as well. While it’s freeing to ramble on about topics you’re interested in, the way you make and keep friends is to
show interest in whatever they are passionate about. Ask questions & be an attentive listener. If they’re a courteous person, they will do the same for you when you start rambling about something that they don’t have experience in (just as you should if they start talking about their intense passion for horror movies or monster trucks or beanie-babies or what-have-you). Your hobbies do not limit or define you–they’re just passions or interests like everyone else has, and people won’t
dislike you purely based on them. Cultivate a caring persona, invest yourself in the well-being of others around you (even if you have to force yourself at first), and they’ll return the favor.
No. 125065
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I used to not understand why girls/women would become super insecure just because their boyfriend liked another girl’s picture on social media because I didn’t think it meant much. But now that I am in a relationship, I think I understand now.
Today I randomly went through my boyfriend’s likes on Twitter and I saw he liked a girl’s body pic which made me die on the inside. That’s what my ass gets for lurking.
I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to be annoying, but it bothers me. Maybe I’ll just cry this out and try to sweep it to the side.
We just started dating this year after being friends for a while, and he’s such a sweet and caring guy. Maybe I’m getting played and I just don’t want to face reality.
If this continues, I want someone to put me in a coma.
No. 125446
>>125443set ground rules or expectations that you can both agree on
that way, if he goes back on what you both agree to do, you know he's trash
it's important to have boundaries so he's not just abusing you financially
No. 125464
>>125443Living together can really test whether or not a couple is compatible, if you are this unhappy already should you be signing a lease with this guy?
Right now you have the option end things without those financial/practical complications
No. 125491
>>125443I am in a similar problem with my long distance bf, except we took the plunge and moved in together. He is hard to live with, it's draining. I want to move back home. I regret it. He doesn't pull his share of the weight at home, he doesn't clean or contribute his share financially despite having a larger paycheck than me. With time I've been able to get him to pitch in more but the fact I had to coach him over and over really damaged things in my eyes and he is less attractive to me. Really make sure he's worth it before you make a mistake that involves contracts and leases. If you insist on moving in together, get a two room apartment and he can sleep in one room and you in the other. I do this and it actually helped with our sleep problems and I don't wake up absolutely hating him. You can fall asleep together in one bed and then one of you goes to the other room if you can't sleep. Also nice since you are long distance that if he wants family to visit there's a bed waiting.
Repost for typo.
No. 125505
>>123361i'm almost verbatim in this exact scenario, only difference being my boyfriend has hurt me multiple times. We agreed to work though it but ever since then i've been "window shopping" and small talking on dating sites. There's times when me and my boyfriend have met up (we see each other once a week) and he has been silent for 30 minutes waiting for me to say something interest. It's mind numbing.
I'm breaking up with him soon but my advice for you anon is don't waste your time. You're young i'm presuming and you shouldn't waste these years in a relationship you feel apathetic about. You're not evil for feeling this way but i'd just end it before you do something that you don't want to (cheat).
No. 125532
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i'm in an ldr and having a bit of a rough time right now.
my relationship started while i was seeing a counsellor and had just gotten out of a very abusive friendship (sounds strange, don't often hear someone say they're in an abusive friendship huh), so i wasn't exactly stable when we got together. i stopped seeing my counsellor a few months into the relationship as i thought i was a lot better, but i wasn't. and started relying on my boyfriend for emotional help a lot, and it inevitably started to exhaust him.
i feel really fucking bad for treating him like my therapist all the time and it's taken a toll on him. i've made an appointment at the doctor's for next week so they can refer me to a counsellor or provide some kind of professional help again, and my boyfriend and i decided to give each other space for a week or so, or however long it might take for us to figure things out in our personal lives. he wants to continue our relationship, and he still loves me very much and cares for me, but we both know that we need time alone.
how do i cope in the time i'm waiting, until i see the doctor? i feel incredibly alone and i just want to make my boyfriend feel better but the best way i can do that is to just leave him alone right now. and it hurts a lot. i wouldn't break up with him unless he told me he wanted to. i just don't know what to do
No. 125615
I'm damn sure I need a "best friend" breakup but I don't know how to go about it.
She's a good person and isn't inherently malicious but I can't take it, definitely not in my mental state.
She's autistic and it's because I'm sure that she can't really help things and isn't probably aware that she's doing it that I'm so unsure of confrontation.
(Rant)
Things were great at first, we clicked and I really enjoyed that someone I liked wanted to be with me and pursued me as a friend. I'm often a loner and have a hard time maintaining friendships so her persistence just worked. She had small quirks that annoyed me but nothing I couldn't handle at the time. She was often irresponsible with her medications and I often found myself responsible for when she started feeling sick. She was also a terrible eater and that combined with her meds meant she'd only get sicker when she wouldn't eat or refused to keep herself hydrated because she couldn't eat/drink what she wanted. This was especially annoying during large hangouts/cons when there were other people I also wanted to be around but again, nothing I couldn't handle ( I'm the "best friend" I had to be there for her, right?), plus I felt like we were really working on things, we were growing together.
As time went on though, I felt myself trying to ditch her more and more. It became about more than her irresponsibility to her health but eventually how I felt she was manipulating me. She would never ask for things, she would instead go around it by saying something like, "oh, are those snack, I love those. I don't get to eat them often and I haven't eaten anything all day" unnecessarily guilting you into giving your food up/buy her food. It's one thing to straight out ask but to guilt someone? It was even worse when it came to higher value possessions, the things you saved up for and worked for. Same thing except she would play the "poor girl, always had a hard life and never had nice things" card, she would often (try to) guilt others into this. And then there's boys.. I feel like we've always been able to act well around fems, but interacting with males has always been a whole other beast. She's a proud lesbian but I've always felt her trying for male approval, going so far as to often use me as a prop. "She's my 'best friend' wink wink but silly boy you can have me, I'm gay" or just acting more sexual around my cis-male presenting friends than she would with my other friends. I also feel like my experiences and interests are undermined when she's around or even in messages. "How are you?" (when she bothers) is often a prelude to the barrage of tragedies that seem to often befall her and "everything is awful uwu poor pitiful me" until she finds something to sperge on. And this final thing is the straw that's finally broken the camel's back.
I've had a terrible past year and have been a broke, sad neet since I lost my crappy retail job that I held for four years and just losing all hope and trust. My 'best friend's' supposed to be there, supposed to encourage and cheer me on. But it's only been treated like an excuse to charade as "bffs suffering together" another way for her to frolic in and flaunt HER misery. Her troubles are never her own, but seemingly mine too, while mine remain just my own. I've really tried to distance myself since then, all my energy needing to go to my recovery. Sometimes she does give me small gifts and coffee to kind of cheer me up and a part of me knows that she's trying in her own way but honestly, her lack of genuine words only makes me feel like I'm being bought, a monster to placate. I appreciate her small efforts but being honest to myself, it's not enough.
What really broke me though is recently when Promare premiered. She'd driven all the way to another city and took a small vacation to watch it twice and I was proud of her to do something like that on her own. But what finally struck me was that this movie was showcased in a theater, one of the very places I could never go with her because they were traumatic for her, and it just reminded me of all the things I've felt I've been denied because "we're best friends". I understand that maybe she was able to sit and watch this particular movie twice in a theater because it was something she was really excited for and really wanted to do but I just broke. And I can't get over my feelings of "I need to get away". Maybe it's just my depresso talking but it's all gotten to be too much and I feel like we've diverged just too much in the many years we've been friends.
Despite all the bad, I really love her and don't want to lose her but we can't be "best friends" anymore.
No. 125708
>>125704it's ridiculous to think you could or should completely turn off your attraction to other people while in a relationship, or expect a partner to do so. finding other people attractive or cute is not wrong, you can't possibly control that.
wrong would be acting on it behind your partner's back.
No. 125741
>>125721I know it sucks because you feel like you would damage you friend's mental health further, but at the same time if you really want that, don't stop yourself from having a relationship with the person you wanted to be. It's not like you didn't have feelings and you just wanted because you're bored or something.
I would talk about it with the friend first and explain everything so it doesn't seem to her that you did it without thinking about her, and be with the guy. I know you feel for your friend, but you can't stop yourself from living because it could hurt someone. Besides, if she's a good friend she will eventually be happy for you. Not your fault he likes you, not her.
No. 125913
My boyfriend's ex crosses boundaries in a way that is impossible to articulate, in a 'know it when i see it' sense.
>feverishly checks on my private social media and asks questions (e.g. my age, my job)
>awkwardly orbits all his social media posts
>suggests that i'm manipulative
>compares herself to me (e.g. 'i'm gonna be a stripper to flex on her' context: i’m a stripper)
>sends him inappropriate selfies and asks him to rate them
>making hypothetical situations about their 'marriage' (give me a break)
>has some invented rivalry with me in her head
>gets off on the idea of being the 'other woman'/determined to 'win'
>gossips about me with his best friend looking for dirt
>makes a public spectacle by commenting on all his posts
>’do you think she’s prettier than me’ (he was afraid to answer honestly)
>he doesn't really help and has straight up told her that I'm jealous of her: I'm exponentially better looking and make more money than her
>I understand that she is insecure and he feels obligated to comfort her, but I feel like he went to far in that instance.
>has a bizarro, pathological pickme autist social media persona that ‘coincidentally’ panders to all his interests
>constantly bothered him with long, flatulent messages about her miserable life/being broke commanding his attention while she knew we were on a trip to Italy that i paid for.
They hooked up while we broke up and starting sending nudes the second after we broke up in January - which made me feel humiliated and idiotic. She considers this an enormous victory over me.
I have asked him to establish boundaries with her more than once, but never receive a reasonable response, he can’t empathise.
He over-accommodates her to the detriment of our relationship. This woman is 22 years old, a whole 4 years older than me and just hasn’t got herself together and relies on her ex for emotional support/ego boosts?
There was also an incident where she raped him and later tried to convince him that I had also raped him to comfort her conscience - and he didn’t even correct her which I was furious about. Am i supposed to overlook this? He even wants me to invite her, a sex offender, to our wedding where there are going to be children present.
Please don't suggest we break up because we are very in love and have never been happier, I would rather die than go through the pain of being split up again.
No. 125915
>>125913Sounds like he enjoys the attention/ego boost from her and that's why he hasn't broken it off.
>They hooked up while we broke up and starting sending nudes the second after we broke up in JanuaryThis also is a huge fucking red flag, sorry but he doesn't sound like a decent man who can be in a committed relationship.
No. 125916
>>125915I'm very aware that he enjoys the ego boost and also has very little friends and is reliant on her for company. I haven't even suggested they break the friendship off, but he has acted aghast at the idea, throwing around words like '
abusive/manipulative'.
I live in constant fear of suffering an infidelity, but I love him so much and we have such a grand time together.
I know she's got autism, can someone please help me understand her thought process because I can't relate at all.
No. 125919
>>125916He is playing games. No one in a committed relationship with someone they love entertains bullshit like this. Stop focusing on her when you should be focusing on what he does and how his actions reflect how he feels you.
>hooks up with her and sends her nudes>she ""rapes"" (I highly doubt this one, he probably was trying to justify having sex with her) him yet he calls you abuse/manipulative>bothers to deal with her bullshit even when on an expensive trip that you planned out and paid forThose are all huge red flags. Why are you putting up with someone who doesn't love you and constantly disrespects you?
>I love him so much and we have such a grand time together.Ok but that doesn't mean he loves you or cares about you. I get you a stripper but still you need to have some semblance of self-worth and find a better partner. Also don't spend any more money or emotional investment on this retard.
No. 125955
File: 1571898544764.png (30.23 KB, 1248x229, lol.PNG)
>>125951lmao don't lie. pic related is you. said the same things, allegedly raped by her, broken up after january, you flexing constantly about your age, 'job', and appearance, etc, etc. you still sound ridiculous and you're again blaming and hating the wrong person. your bf is a retard and so are you, but especially your bf. now you want to marry this fool? you're a mess.
No. 125962
>>125956To me, it sounds like you're the insecure one, for sure you broke down so easily.
Why are you so afraid they'd hook up after you break up with him? Would you feel defeated? Sounds like you're consciously keeping up on her games but trying to hide it to yourself while your boyfriend is in a win-win situation and you're committing to marriage? Please, girl, get your shit together before it's too late.
No. 125964
>>1259131) Leave him, it's obvious he prefers her and honestly it's not hard to see why. You are obsessed with her. Men always are interested in the woman their girlfriend hates.
2) Get a real job.
Problems solved.
No. 125986
>>125980doesn't explain why he went back for seconds and is still friends with her. if he really was raped doesn't that indicate something sick about him?
i've heard of girls who retraumatize themselves like that are unstable and need help not romance.
No. 125999
>>125975>what could I do to tackle this problem>>125913>Am i supposed to overlook this?You can't fix this "problem." And you shouldn't overlook it either. You need to leave him because he doesn't love you as much as you love him. He fucks his ex and sendas nudes because he cares more about that than about you.
I'm sorry that it hurts but you can surely do much better for yourself girl. You know it too.
No. 126036
>>123537>>123572Old, sorry, but I hope anon sees this….
You literally sound like me when I was 18. Hits too close to home. Had to respond.
You've been traumatized, right. So if you're sharing your life with someone, they have to share that trauma too. That's hard. If he's young, he might not understand how to process that trauma, and take it out on you. It could take years to learn how to sort out those feelings.
Maybe he had to cut you out of his life to deal with that second-hand trauma.
It feels awful to be in love with someone when they don't want to be around you. There's no closure. So you have to ask yourself, is it worth waiting around for him, or should you just move on with your life.
In my case, I loved other people, but he was always in the back of my mind. Half-assed some relationships for a couple years. But when we finally spoke again, and he wanted to get back together, I realized that someone who could go that long without caring- they probably doesn't care. Also came to realize that Dude had a massive porn addiction and half the shit I felt bad for wasn't my fault.
So if he doesn't have the feelings anymore, you gotta move on. It's not worth hanging on to, life is too short.
If years down the line, he decides to forgive you, maybe y'all could have a second chance. But until then, try to remember the happy times and build a new life without him in it.
No. 126053
File: 1572025926768.png (281.25 KB, 720x1005, ss.png)
Am I in the wrong for disliking my boyfriend when he added a person like this off of r9k before we met? He claims he only added them because it seemed like a challenge & an interesting person to him. This is also coming from a man who claims he is afraid of women when we first met. Honestly it just comes across as bullshit because he made it out to be innocent before ever showing me the actual post.
No. 126054
>>126053I mean…it happened before he met you, so it's not cheating or anything. The only problem is him minimizing it and making it non-sexual.
I'm sure some anons will say him using /r9k/ or imageboards at all is a redflag tho.
No. 126057
>>126044You're happiness is important to me.
You make me feel loved.
You make me a better person.
No. 126064
>>126053If he's not still talking to the girl, it shouldn't be a problem… It is natural for you to feel jealous tho. He was probably just ashamed to be honest about it.
Agree with previous anon tho, /r9k/ is a red flag, they really don't like women on that part of the internet. Hopefully he doesn't still post there.
No. 126086
>>122983me and my boyfriend both suffer from depression and anxiety. he's more the type to shut out everyone and refuse any help. he's been on edge a lot lately, and while i do try my best to help him, it's kind of hard to…especially when i'm burning out on my own. he lets out his anger on me by raising his voice and throwing things. i try to be understanding considering his circumstances…but i can only do so much for him. he's a good person and has done a lot for me but that aspect of him kind of scares me. i know that i'm not that good to be around when i'm in my moods but i at least never take my anger out on him or even raise my voice in the slightest…
i know two depressed people can't make it work but i want to know if there's anyway to overcome these things or to better ourselves…
No. 126214
>>126209I feel like alot of people view it as monstrous to leave a person when they're dealing with depression but I've been the depressed partner who's been dumped (twice now) and it's totally fair to preserve your own mental health by breaking up or similarly to decide that 'no sex and no help with chores' is a dynamic you won't put up past a certain time frame. Is he doing everything that he can to address the depression, meds, therapy?
Have you discussed the knock on effect that it has on you?
No. 126237
File: 1572300482970.jpg (69.93 KB, 1280x720, polyamorous.jpg)
I used to hate annoying het kinkster couples in open relationships cause I was in a loving vanilla LDR where we had great sex that was normal (at most doing soft D/S and gentle femdom) and now that me and my bf have actually moved in together I have to do more out there stuff to get him interested and we might open our relationship so he can have experiences with dudes and I can do stuff with girls like I don't think our relationship is going to be ruined by it it's just kind of cringe
No. 126257
>>126256Are you 12? I wouldn't even call this a relationship. No it's not normal and either he doesn't give a shit about you or he doesn't want to invest himself in an LDR (because he doesn't care about you).
Save yourself the trouble girl.
No. 126259
File: 1572328097942.jpg (18.22 KB, 720x720, 1572256573731.jpg)
>>126257Eh, you are probably right, I've never been in LTR so I have no idea how they work. We are supposed to meet up in a couple of months though, so I'll probably wait until then.
>>126258Nope, I've never posted about it before, so probably some farmers are as dumb as me.
No. 126296
>>126276Leave. I would never want to be with someone out of pity. And I would hate finding out that my partner is with me out of pity. This doesn't even take into account the addictions and anti-social display of liking animal abuse. And hating women.
Screw the guilt. You'll get over it soon enough. Get out before he does something to you.
No. 126312
>>126276>He got a hate for women, he struggles REALLY hard to emphatize with others (not even mention animals, which he admitted he liked to torture and kill)So he ALREADY hates your guts and you're still concerned about hurting his poor wittle feefees? Fuck that. Sorry but you are being stupid. This guy is one big walking, breathing red flag, he will probably murder you one day, not just be a shitty bf. Killing animals is literally textbook future serial killer behaviour.
Prioritize your happiness and your safety, not a mental case who uses his hard life as an excuse to be a terrible human being. Dump him and feel no guilt because he is a bad person and there's no excuse for it.
No. 126313
>>126259Oh anon. I've been with my husband for years and we talk more in text throughout the day than you do with your boyfriend.
No, this is not how LTRs work. This is your boyfriend no longer caring much for the relationship. He's giving you short answers because he's disengaging. There's nothing you can do about that but find someone who loves you and is more invested in you. I know that you want to wait to see him in person but that's going to be like putting a band aid on a cancerous tumor. It will feel good for a few days/weeks after and then you will be right back to where you are now. I know it's not what you want to hear but speaking from experience, you are much better off dumping him now and being free to date someone else in a couple of months instead of wasting more time and misplaced hope on him.
>>126276Get as far away from him as possible and never date anyone like him again. Seriously, love yourself more, anon. You are too good for all of that bull shit.
No. 126316
Hi farmers, I've been exclusively dating (or seeing) a guy that I met on Hinge since mid September, and him too. Just as a quick background, I've usually dated /liked guys who were awful at communicating, made me feel like I was too much, etc. He's been a really sweet person and never makes me feel like I have to hide my weirdness and like I'm too much. He's basically the opposite of all the bad guys I've liked/dated. Okay, background done.
The thing is, though I really like him as a friend and person, I'm not 100% sure if I like him as much as he likes me. It was something that we had talked about two weeks ago, too, but we decided to still see each other after he comes back from a trip (he'll be back this Saturday or so). We decided to take things slower though, and I thought it was a fine decision. This is where things get a little murky for me. Lately, I've been feeling pretty down because I've recently graduated uni in August but still haven't found a job, and I haven't seen much of my friends, let alone leave the house – but that's a story for another day. I'm not sure if I'm just down about my life as a whole and it's affecting how I feel about him, or if things just aren't _there_, if that makes sense. We are different in personalities but not in the sense that they clash; rather different enough that I feel like we can't have as longwinded conversations that I'm used to with friends/other guys I've dated or liked.
This part is really, really shallow and I feel pretty awful for even thinking about it…
Wile he's really, really cute and quite tall, he has a bit of a belly and bad posture. These are things that I've never had to deal with, since the guys I've dealt with in the past were either slim/thin and had decent posture. These shallow things shouldn't even matter since they _can_ be fixed, but I suppose it's kind of killing my attraction to him a little. I did sleep with him once and it was good, but the belly..
My question is, then, should I keep seeing him but just go really slow? Or should I give up and tell him? Any other suggestions are welcome. Thanks!
No. 126339
>>126338You did fucking amazing anon
If someone isn't good or good to you, cut them out like they're a catchphrase from the 90s
No. 126359
>>126316Don't waste his time if you're not into him. Don't keep him warm either.
If you really like and respect him it's the only sensible thing to do.
No. 126360
>>126316Don't waste his time if you're not into him. Don't keep him warm either.
If you really like and respect him it's the only sensible thing to do.
No. 126445
>>126439like ask him in general: hey what do you consider cheating or explain the circumstance? I feel like being specific might hurt his feelings?
He knows I went out with the guy and that we are friends he just doesn't know I'm currently struggling with the hots for him.
sorry I genuinely don't understand human interaction but I feel like being like "hey I wanna fuck this guy but I'm not but how long can i sniff his hair until it's weird" might be too much even though that's my lizard brain instinct
No. 126506
>>126500He'll be offended because you're bringing up that he's immature, and the way you describe him makes it sound like he's incredibly insecure. Even if someone's main hobbies are video games and anime, they should still be able to carry on a conversation in other topics every now and then. That's so boring and juvenile.
Do you really want someone who lords gifts and favors over your head whenever you give a gentle critique about their behavior?
What if he's like this for the rest of your relationship, is it something you're willing to tolerate if he doesn't change?
No. 126535
Help!
I'm in a casual, anonymous dom/sub relationship with a guy that I deeply care for. We'll get together and fuck once a week, and that's essentially it. I don't know his real name or anything about his personal life, but he's a great guy. I trust him, feel comfortable around him, and he has never once taken advantage of me. I don't think we'll ever progress to anything more serious, but the relationship is really important to me and I don't want to lose it. We've been doing this for almost 4 years.
While I am happy in this relationship, I would also like to have a more traditional relationship. I've temporarily ended it twice before with the guy above because I started dating other guys, but they didn't work out and I went back to him.
I also believe I'm demiromantic.
Anyway, I went on two dates with a guy and they went well. I'd be open to it progressing so I can give myself time to build that emotional connection, but I also feel it's kinda scummy to be fucking another guy on the side.
I'd love to be honest about my situation, but I could see how that would be a huge dealbreaker and I'd ruin my chances.
If this does start progressing, should I be honest about my situation?
No. 126546
>>126535Girl, you can't "be honest about your situation". 99% of men are going to be immediately turned off when you mention your fuckbuddy. It's pretty simple, if you start dating someone seriously, you call off the FWB.
Also…it's really weird that you don't know his name or anything about him after 4 YEARS? It's highly likely that you're his side piece. And please stop using demiromantic, it's cringe and means absolutely nothing. Everyone needs time to feel romantically.
No. 126554
>>126546Thanks anon. That's what I figured. I needed to air this out and hear it from someone else. Having the two would be too good to be true.
And yeah, I'm 99.9% sure I'm not the only one. Like I said, it's casual. We never went into this with an expectation it would be exclusive. He says his friends don't know he doms and I respect his privacy. He never offered the info, I never asked. I know enough about him where I could easily find out his identity, but what difference would it make? We share kinks and have great sex. Why complicate it.
No. 126579
>>126506Thanks, anon. I never thought he was insecure until the day he got irritated with me because of… a videogame character. And I already had to hear him gushing about waifus and shit before but obviously didn’t fight him because of that.
About talking of other topics, whenever we’re in a group speaking about things out of his interests, he just stays on his phone, completely mute.
And no, I don’t think I can stand this forever. I’d like to hope for change, but he’s about to turn 30, if he never got interested in different stuff before, can I really expect anything now?
No. 126624
>>126604I think you've just got to decide what you really want. If you want to explore that side then don't string the bf along or try any 'open' relationship stuff, it won't end well. Think of it like seeing other attractive guys in public, you wouldn't just drop everything to try their dick.
Celebrate being Bi definitely but still see your relationship the same way, the commitment to your bf hasn't changed unless you want it too.
No. 126626
>>126596It sounds like you’re losing feelings for him.
>>126598As a bisexual myself, both women and men can emotionally hurt you. It’s a scary world.
No. 126647
>>126645honestly this guy sounds like trash. has he always been this way or did he become too comfortable in the relationship and let his standards go with regards to texting and communication?
i mean he said it himself that he doesn’t think this relationship is worth saving so if i was you i’d break up with him. i know it sounds hard but there are better guys out there. you honestly sound too good for your current boyfriend. maybe one day he will realise what he’s lost and good luck to him finding a girlfriend as good to him as i’m assuming you’ve been to him.
No. 126663
>>126645I think the worst this is knowing how ashamed my mother would feel knowing that I'm like this now. I begged him to give us a chance. I look pathetic. I'm crawling back to someone that has hurt me so much and I'm begging them to not leave me. I think he's enjoying seeing me beg. He makes no effort to respond to me even now that I'm in pain waiting for him. I really feel like he's just watching me writhing in pain and just enjoying it.
When my dad and mom almost got divorced, my mom was so strong. She would never beg my father to take her back. She held herself together and never showed her children if it bothered her. She just kept on with work and taking care of us. My dad came crawling back to her and gradually stopped being a fuck head after that.
I feel so disgusted with myself. But I'm so lonely and broken already. I just want my boyfriend back, even if he may be cold and uncaring.
>>126662>>126652>>126647Thank you anons for your responses. My brain seems to be screaming this kinda stuff in your responses at me but I just want to listen to my heart.
No. 126664
>>126663For the love of god, your heart is being torn to pieces by this douchebag.
You deserve so much more. Please, stay strong, I’m sure you will meet someone so much more worthy of your affection. Even if you have trouble meeting new people now, it’ll happen eventually. There’s a lot more in life than staying stuck on a relationship with a person who’s treating you like nothing.
No. 126665
>>126645I'm usually much more of a lurker than poster but I really feel for you. I don't want to be harsh so please don't take offense to what I'm going to say. You say you feel like he has all the power "now" but he's always had all the power. He just managed to trick you into not noticing. You mention you correct him gently because of how angry he gets, that if you try to tell him what you feel he gaslights you and then turns it into him talking about HE can't open up to you, and that he routinely just ignores you.
I've been there. It sucks. You start doing things you never thought you would because you want to get back the idea of the boyfriend you THOUGHT you had in the start. You walk on eggshells around him and that's not healthy at all. All your thoughts seem to be about what will make him happy with you or at least not unhappy with you. That's so unhealthy and you deserve so much more.
Yes, he is probably enjoying watching you in pain. I know it hurts, but it gets better and you really deserve better. Just let him go. He won't ever change and instead you'll get more and more neurotic and beaten down.
No. 126686
File: 1572900562474.jpg (4.59 KB, 212x249, e98.jpg)
>>126645>>126663Did this make anyone else upset in the stomach? Holshit.
No. 126702
>>126645He is a leech, he does not truly care about you, and he will be this way for life if you keep him around. He won't improve. This is who he is. You cannot change him. You cannot change his feelings for you.
Don't let the sunken cost fallacy crush the whole rest of your life. Imagine you never knew him and were just starting out now single with no dating experience. Is this who you would date? Or rather, okay, you've spent six years of sacrifice for this guy who is awful to you. You have sixty more years. How do you want those sixty years to look? Like this?
No. 126846
>>126816he's trying to isolate you, it's a hallmark of an
abusive relationship. leave him!
No. 126852
>>126816Please leave anon. It really sounds like he is trying to isolate you. If it works he can became a lot more
abusive because you dont have anyone to talk about it and it will be harder for you to leave if you feel like you have nothing but him in your life.
No. 126856
>>126854Try not to panic anon it's been four days, he might just be going through something maybe even just post-holiday depression.
Communication is best, seriously ask what's up with him in the way you normally would and explain how his behavior is worrying you without being accusatory.
If the atmosphere in the house is upsetting you then try to see friends and stay busy for the next couple of weeks to see if it passes first.
No. 126889
File: 1573169120537.png (77.92 KB, 425x292, pk.png)
>>126885It's time to let him go
Because even when the bridges between you are burned
You will always be in each other's heart
No. 126904
>>126897Sounds manipulative to me. Maybe he was waiting until after the trip to let you know? Breaking up is no light thing, especially a relationship that length. So there are 2 ways to think about it; either he didn't mean it and feels comfortable enough to fuck with your emotions that extremely, or he doesn't see the loss of the relationship as that big of a deal.
Personally I'd say the first option would make the relationship unsalvageable, and the second…possible if he's concerned about it and you both get therapy? I don't think he is though.
What'll you do?
No. 126916
>>126897>>126904Thanks so much anons, you are right. If he is comfortable with destroying me like this, and comfortable enough to hop on his computer game (with Discord buddies) right after while I'm left a crying mess.. yeah. I don't know what to do though. Part of me thinks he hasn't really thought it through, and I really want to take time off and treat myself to a nice hotel for the weekend so he understands what it would be like without me around. Problem is, I'll still have to return home and deal with seeing this new version of him. The version with blank expressions, no laughter or smiles, no silly in-jokes. It kills me to be around this because this is not him!?
Our relationship was always so silly and fun. We even developed cute little songs (and dances lol) just for each other over the years, to make each other laugh. I know we've all heard it before but yeah, I just don't understand how after all of our memories and everything we shared he can just turn 180 on us. I honestly thought we were going to be partners for life.
Also I did mention couples therapy and he was very very much against it.. couldn't really give a reason why though.
Sorry for using this as a little diary but thanks again everyone for listening!
No. 126917
>>126916Yeah I don't get it at all. How can he just practically "die" like that?
I'd say maybe it's mental issues or something, but not wanting to do therapy is something else. How were you guys when it came to arguing? Did you work together to solve it and all that, has he expressed discontent with something huge before that went unresolved?
Is the callous behaviour entirely new or have there been instances before? It seems odd to just switch like that.
Regardless, I hope you at least get an answer out of him before breaking it off. Having things go really well just for him to flip and not be the same person sounds scarring.
No. 126950
>>126854I've read your other posts and it seems like you are dealing with this in a really mature way. Since it was absolutely out of the blue and sudden, it doesn't sound like depression. It sounds like he's got someone else lined up, and the point he "switched" is when he got the confirmation from the other person. I'm so sorry, this must be an awful shock to see someone suddenly change personalities on you.
Sending you some e-hugs.
No. 126953
File: 1573267613260.gif (433.25 KB, 600x626, iu.gif)
>>126950Samefag, we need a GIF
No. 127423
>>127376I think you already know what sort of advice you're going to get here.
Dump him, if he would tell you he loves you while doing that it shows just how little his love means. The idea that your attention wasn't enough for his pwecious little ego even in the honeymoon phase should tell you what will happen when you have your first big fight.
No. 127436
>>126854I've had two relationships of a similar length suddenly end after the guy changed 'with the flip of a switch'. The first time it was a whole marriage that ended quickly and he kind of blew my mind with just how sudden and unexpected it was. Fast forward a few years and it happened again (except this guy had a new woman lined up in advance) We went from 'lets get a mortgage' to broken up two months later..
I don't know if that sudden switch is just a guy thing. Wishing you the best with whatever comes next anon
No. 127451
>>127447yeah but you could also get a normie passing bf who isn't a complete mess. idk if i'm on the spectrum but I have p bad adhd and other issues sort of in the same "family" and my bf seems like?? a little more together than me but is very charming and extraverted
also I'm like a solid 4 so if I can do it so can you
No. 127503
File: 1573802983175.jpg (98.46 KB, 835x1200, D_h3sQ4WkAEefw3.jpg)
My LDR boyfriend just asked me if everything was okay because he feels like I don't want to talk about myself, kill me. I hate how secretive/quiet I am and how it always feels like I'm walking on eggshells when talking to people (from bad experiences with old friends). I really wish I wasn't this way around him since I know he won't judge me and that my words are safe with him, I just don't know how to get out of the habit, even for basic ass shit like how was your day. I love him so much but I'm sad that he's always the one talking because I can't fucking communicate (though he is quite talkative, I wish I could match his lengths and add on to the conversation efficiently).
No. 127515
>>127447Do you tell guys about your diagnosis early on? I can see some people getting scared off if you share it early on and they have some fucked idea of what autism really is
I was diagnosed at 30 and nobody had ever suspected it before then, As soon as I got the diagnosis my live-in bf of 3 years yeeted out of my life cos "mental health issues can be fixed but autism can't!"..
Just be careful of people with pre-existing judgements around ASD
No. 127519
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I kind of really want my boyfriend to ask me to marry him, but also worry that maybe I don't want that at all and it's just something I've been conditioned to want. We've been together a couple years and I know I love him, it's mainly that I wonder if I'm just desperate to be married before 30 instead of being okay with our relationship no matter it's legal definition. Maybe I'm overthinking things as I usually do. Maybe I actually don't ever want to be married. Maybe I do and imagining I don't is a cope. I'm so goddamned confused, if that's not immediately obvious.
No. 127521
>>127519There's nothing wrong with getting married after 30 and no one else cares if you got married in your 20s.
Getting married in your 20s does, however, increase the predictor that your marriage will end in divorce.
No. 127539
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>>127521I was more referencing the outdated, traditional societal opinion on marrying before 30 (since I'll turn 27 next week,) than specifying that's how I feel about it. I'm not 100% sure that ANY marriage I get into will last regardless of what age it happens, tbh. It feels too easy to fuck up, so I'm scared of doing it in the first place, even though I think I want to? Idk, I'm probably rambling and not making much sense as I'm typing this "train of thought" style.
No. 127626
>>127618I've had both of my long term relationships end within months of noticing this. I thought we were just settled/comfortable but in reality it was a distancing that was starting to happen
Your own gut can probably tell you whether it feels comfortable or if it's something else
No. 127755
Hey, never posted before so sorry if make a mistake/sorry for the length (kind of a vent more than anything)
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now (first relationship, been on dates before meeting him but nothing serious.) He’s quite a few years older than me but we have many of the same interests, he’s sweet and we get along.
I’ve struggled with an eating disorder my whole life (ARFID/at one point I started slipping into anorexia) and have persisting issues with my mental health that I’m currently taking medication for. He doesn’t know any of this; perhaps this might be a bit stereotypical, but I’m concerned he might feel a sort of stigma towards it because of his culture (he’s full blood Japanese and I’m Australian). I feel like I can’t really disclose these issues and in turn, feel like I sometimes can’t be myself. Once again, he’s extremely kind/doesn’t seem judgemental but I’ve never tested the waters.
Now as far as sex goes, I lost my virginity to him a few months back. He was considerate and I told him it was my first time so we took things slow. I’ve masturbated since I was 16, but as of two years ago, I’ve been taking antidepressants that severely lower my sex drive/make orgasming pretty hard. I don’t really enjoy sex, but it’s not like it’s ‘unpleasant’ or ‘bad’if that makes sense (he tries his best to make it pleasurable for me too)
Last night when I was sleeping (after we fucked a few hours earlier) he leant in and kissed me a few times which I half heartedly returned purely because I’m still 90% asleep. He then took to trying to finger me, I gently pushed him away a few times and he persisted. It wasn’t until I physically grabbed his hand removed it did he stop. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting but due to some shit that happened as a kid that I thought didn’t affect me, I feel kind of freaked out and don’t know if I want to stay over again this weekend.
I’ve omitted a few aspects of background info but yeah, idk whether it’s my whack mental health making me question whether I want a relationship or the fact that I’m sexually and inexperienced or what.
No. 127757
>>127755'pushed him away a few times and he persisted'
A few times.. and he didn't get the fucking message?! I wouldn't share a bed with this guy
No. 127821
>>127758Thank you anon, I ended up asking him to lunch at university and though he postponed (finals soon), he said he wants to do it during free time and see a movie, too.
Success, as far as I can tell.
No. 128055
>>128032Thanks, anon. I’m wondering if I should call him or try to meet to have the talk (he lives in another state).
It feels so weird because we haven’t been fighting or anything on the last months, but it’s just not feeling right. I have no clue of how to explain him that.
No. 128085
So what to do when a bf acts committed but is verbally the opposite?
It's tough to describe, but i can nitpick things, or I try seek improvement where possible. So we had good sex not long ago, and it happened by me just pouncing on him basically. We don't fuck that much since he has a low drive but it's the intimacy that counts. I asked if we could do something similar again later and he just completely froze up on me. No response, so I'm saying "hey you can't just react like that, it makes me feel shitty" and he kept doubling down, and i said it'll kill our sex life if he keeps acting like that because I'll just not initiate, and he's like "yeah fine", I told him that sex is important to me, and how would he feel if I withdrew whenever he asked for his preferred form of affection? "you'd have every right to do that" and just generally being SO DIFFICULT. And same for all problems if I actually try discuss it he'll "so what?" every question. And it gets worse and worse. I can't get a straight answer on anything emotionally regarding us.
But if I just go with everything, he's a model boyfriend. He'll think of me, get me small thoughtful things, care for me in any way he can and generally lovingly cater to me and be so positive. If in the moment, we'll have amazing sex and cuddle for ages afterwards, and he's clearly content, but will try put up the act that it's not that enjoyable when it suits him, and if I point this discrepancy between his actual behaviour and what he says about it, he just shrugs because he KNOWS he can't defend it.
So basically I feel like if I were to just shut up, no problems arise because he's a model bf. But if I go looking for issues/improvements, he's so stubborn that it's either a huge amount of emotional effort or impossible to resolve.
I'm asking now because I tried this out. I didn't point out anything for about 2 weeks and his affection just grew and grew. So then I recently pointed out this (small) improvement that could be made and he's suddenly a sullen teen giving me "I don't care" and one word responses.
If I wasnt dependent on him I'd probably call it. But what do you think is the lifespan on this thing, and will it do long term damage to me? Because it can really get me down when I open up and get rejected.
No. 128086
>>128085Oh to add to this I don't mean not committed in the monogamous sense, I fully trust him that way.
It's more that when I bring up an issue he'll go completely on the defense and essentially put on the attitude of he doesn't care if some issues will end up breaking up the relationship. It's like he acts as if he's fully emotionally detached from us, full time, despite acting the opposite outwith arguments and being upset at the idea of us breaking up otherwise. And it's getting to be that I can't tell what's real. And it can feel like he says those detached things just to get out of the potential argument ASAP but it just exacerbates things every time.
A lesson I've learned from past relationships is to judge people by what they do, not what they say and now I'm like ?!?! Because I've anyways thought that being direct and always working on a relationship is the way to make it bloom but it almost feels like doing that is sabotaging it in this one. Is that sustainable?
No. 128116
>>128105Memes aren't real life. Look around you, how many of your friends and family have truly attractive husbands and boyfriends? I bet it is very few if any at all
No one will make fun of you, especially if he treats you well and doesn't cheat.
No. 128137
Ultimately I know I need to talk to my bf, but I feel like I need to vent this. My bf is pretty great; we're emotionally connected, he cares about my problems and want to listen to me talk about my interests. we have great conversations etc. it's fly. he's in a sort of limbo at the moment (he wants to study but can't at the moment, so he's sort of working instead, but not really), and he has a few issued in his life here and there. nothing major that he can't fix himself, and he constantly talks about those things and what he's going to do to better himself (eating healthier, getting a better sleep schedule, not waste money on expensive shit he can't afford and doesn't need, work more etc). Like, basic things you have to do to live an organized life. And he has all the time in the world to invest into fixing those things. problem is, he doesn't do shit to fix them. We can have a long conversation about food and a healthier diet and he'll talk for hours about what he'll eat etc, then the next day he'll be sitting in the coach, eating a frozen pizza. Or hell text me back at two in the afternoon, when he wakes up. or hell tell me that his work wanted him to do a shift and he made up an excuse. OR him getting a brand new laptop when he already has one that works.
I´ve supported him emotionally for months now, and I´m getting fed up listening to him talk about change when he has proven time and time again that he doesn't do any of the things he says he'll do. I don't care how he lives his life, I just don't want to listen to him talk literal shit. And when I do confront him and tell him that, well "I know you feel bad bc you're broke right now, maybe you shouldn't have bought that new laptop" he gets pissy at me. I´m actually not sure he'll see things my way if I bring this up, but I´m going to have to soon because this is a problem
No. 128228
>>128224All you can do is take the chance, anon.
My suggestion is to ask him on an ambiguously platonic date and scope him out from there. If you feel flirtiness and chemistry, just bluntly admit your feelings.
Overcome that fear of rejection. It's so freeing, believe me.
No. 128261
>>128137He doesn't want to change but he gets enough gratification from talking about changing. Plus he thinks talking about changing means you'll get off his back for a while.
Been in your situation anon. I fully sympathise with guys who are in limbo but that doesn't mean I can fix them. Honestly you just have to let him be a loser on his own. Plenty of guys out there who'll listen to your feelings.
No. 128262
>>128224The way I got over myself in situations like this is when I started asking a lot of people out and not really giving a fuck what they said. Honestly however much you're building this up in your head, he's still just a guy and there are so many of them out there.
'So we matched on bumble a while ago but we still haven't been to get coffee yet, when are you free?'
No. 128298
>>128296He has actually initiated quite a bit, he talked to me first, always wants to hang out if we're in the same vicinity at the same time, and has asked me out on a date.
It's just the messaging. You may be right, since I noticed he also doesn't message people when we're spending time together.
No. 128303
>>128298Eh I don't wanna be a downer but talking to you first, hanging out if he happens to be nearby, and asking you out on one date is the bare minimum. I'm just mentioning this bc you already want to talk to him more and he seems ok keeping his distance mostly. If he wanted to talk to you more he would call you if texting isn't his thing. Just saying you should be at least getting back what you're giving to him, if not more.
I dunno how long you've known each other but he seems kinda lazy.
No. 128311
>>128303Nah, you're right. He may not really be worth it tbh, we've only known each other a few months so it's no big loss.
It's probably not a good sign if I have friends who are more excited to talk to me than him. I'll let it fizzle out and not escalate further. It's no good if this is going to be a constant struggle.
I was just being hopeful since he's so cute haha.
No. 128330
>>128325I mean yeah but he also is a person objective of me so if that's what he wants to do it's whatever.
I'll go watch YouTube for 4 hours or have fun by myself. If he's not willing to talk to you after 4 hours or spend quality time with you instead of the video game then that's a problem you need to talk to him about. For example, if I wanna watch a film and he's gaming I'll ask and he'll finish up a mission and come watch it. If you think your boyfriend will react differently to that then it's not great.
No. 128346
>>128341Asshole obsession sure is becoming more common with guys, and it's gross to see just how obsessional they get with it
Tell him eating your ass won't make you cum
No. 128356
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so i went on a break with my boyfriend of over a year because i learned he was lying about some really weird shit.
i still don't know the whole truth, but he lied and said he had a roommate when he lived alone (essentially to keep me from coming over), never let me meet his friends, never told his parents about me… and the icing on the cake is i think he was still in a relationship (with someone he didnt like) when he started dating me.
what a fucking mess. idk what to do because he's a really nice guy, but he's lovebombing me with letters and gifts and hanging out with his friends after i called him out. do i give him a chance??? do i escape??? help???
No. 128359
>>128356my ex was doing similar shady stuff too, would disappear then lie about where he went, get mad when I question or think it's shady when he says stuff like "don't worry about it", not allow me to contact him on any other networks despite his frequent disappearing, got mad when I told others about our relationship and made dumb excuses and gave me the childish silent treatment and how "he lost all possible trust in me" because I told a friend we were in a relationship
I finally cut him off and found someone else, still trying to repair years of self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, and just straight emotional abuse and manipulation
My advice is to just cut him off completely and save your time, effort and emotion for emotionally unavailable, manipulative men who don't care to be with you. your self esteem will thank you.
No. 128364
>>128356So he used you for sex?
Leave lmao
No. 128423
>>128345>telling me I'm a bitch>Told me I'm a psycho and that I'm a dumb bitch>I have really low self esteemuh yeah no duh. Your boyfriend is horrible.
>I can't tell if I'm having weird eating disorder problems or if he's an assholeI mean it's both, you're not recovered from your disordered eating AND he's an awful person who's making it worse. It sounds like he likes your body because he has a fat fetish, not because he likes you. That's why he compares you to bigger women (who he finds attractive) and gets mad when you don't like it.
Love yourself and get out of there.
No. 128429
>>128085Give him time to warm up and feel safe. It helps to make plans to just cuddle instead of having sex. It'll probably lead to sex a good amount of the time, but by not setting it as an expectation, it could be more comfortable for him. I was the partner who froze up initially with my boyfriend. He was patient and loving and always respectful of my boundaries and now we can talk about anything without any issues. He has some hangups about talking about sex and it's not about you at all, so try not to take it personally (easier said than done) and be open to it when he does start feeling more comfortable discussing the topic. See if this helps or if the issue is more than just the discussion aspect.
>>128105You're thinking too hard. Don't worry about it. People will see how he treats you and it'll be obvious you are both very fortunate to have such a great partner.
>>128345Weird that he keeps comparing you to other people after you said you don't like that. Tell him to knock it off. Also, he's gaslighting you.
>>128356There's no future with him from what you've written here. Drop that dead weight and spend time on yourself. If you want to later, you can fin a man who is thrilled to bring you around and introduce you to everyone. "Nice guys" who don't actually treat you like someone important to them aren't really all that nice.
>>128295Mine has always been text-averse. It's great, honestly, because he's not dicking around on his phone when we spend time together. We talk with online chat and when we were still getting to know one another we'd have long email exchanges (we met irl before emailing back and forth and were never long distance) which I enjoyed more than a constant back and forth of short texts. Ask if he'd rather do emails, phone calls, or online chat.
>>128341You should talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way. Be honest about your feelings and be open to doing things differently. It could be you are both trying to initiate and missing the signals.
No. 128451
>>128446>Now I'll have to wait a whole 2 weeks before I can try again.Why would you need to wait another two weeks before you can even try again? Try again tonight of tomorrow or maybe this weekend if he's more open on weekend.
>I should also add that he had no problem with fucking significantly less attractive women while we were split up.Honestly I wouldn't bother staying with him.
No. 128470
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My boyfriend wants to start taking xanax (he is buying it from his friend) because he has severe problems with falling asleep. His neighbours have lots of incredibly noisy dogs and walls of his apartment are thin, so he is always able to hear them. Those dogs bark all the time because there are so many of them, they sometimes shut up for a few hours in the early morning, but that's it.
Because of the noise he is only able to sleep for a couple of hours a day (3-4 hours). I've heard xanax is addicting, so I don't want him to start taking it, but I have no idea what else he could do. Pls help.
No. 128471
>>128470Why doesn't he just get earplugs and melatonin?
I've had to take xanax for years for my panic disorder without getting hooked, but it's really harmful for you regardless. There's a high and a crash like with caffeine, except xanax makes you really relaxed and then pushes you into this weird depressive state.
No. 128473
>>128471He is taking melationin already and he can't wear earplugs (I don't know why, he just can't). He is able to sleep just fine when the dogs aren't barking.
Thank you for sharing your experience anon, I'm glad you didn't get addicted.
No. 128475
>>128471second this
nta but
>>128474melatonine promotes sleep but it doesn't exactly knock you out when you can't sleep of outside sources.
No. 128477
>>128474He's already done that, and so did other neighbours, but nothing has came out of it. He also has tried talking to the dog owners, making formal complaints, etc. Nothing worked.
They have like 6 or 7 dogs and they are all very loud. When I visit him I can't stand being in his apartment because of the barking, I can't imagine having to endure this noise all the time. But I am still afraid that he might get addicted/depressed because of xanax.
No. 128571
i'm having an awful time with this and need some advice
i've never been ghosted before. it's always me doing the 'ghosting' because i generally feel discomforted after a date that isn't necessarily up to par. that's not to say i have absurd standards, i just prefer not to date a guy who talks over me, treats me badly, etc. you know. general people stuff.
i recently went on a date with a guy i really, really like. we met months ago after he saw me at work and we have super good chemistry. we'd been texting everyday on and off through work and he was pretty proactive about getting ahold of me. we scheduled the date for sunday and went. he and i got on so well and he voiced how excited he was for our next date on thursday. he was lovey, touchy, and really seemed to be genuinely into me.
however, he started a new job monday. i left him be for the most part, merely hoping he had a good day. he responded twice before completely disappearing after saying 'i totally forgor to text you back'. ouch? i have texted him a few times between then and now and haven't recieved a response. he's watched my snap stories so i know he's on his phone. it's thursday morning now and i have no clue if the date is even happening bc he hasn't responded to me asking if it is on snapchat nor opened it which i did on purpose to make sure i'd see if he looked.
i'm hurt, distressed, and i'm looking for advice bc half of my friends say 'give him a break, he started a new job' and the other side says 'he's an asshole and it takes 5 seconds to say 'i'm busy' instead of going MIA'
normally a guy who ghosts you will remove you off of everything but?? he hasn't?? i don't know. what do you guys think?
No. 128572
>>128571When messaging doesn’t work, try calling him.
Maybe he does that because he wants to have a proper conversation with you instead of some quick messages (I kinda do that sometimes)? I guess he might be a bit overwhelmed with the job, but speak about it when you two meet. Express that you don’t like to be left without answers and stuff.
Anyways, communication is the basis of relationships, the best thing to do is talk about it asap before it turns into a problem.
No. 128574
>>128345I'm trying to understand this anon's boyfriend's end game. Is he a fat fetishist, and is that why he's gaslighting and verbally abusing anon into thinking she looks 600 pounds and screeches at her for hating fatties cause she says she don't look that bad?
What a strange story. Also where can I find these dudes who don't give a fuck about weight? Lmao
No. 128579
>>128571Sorry for the harsh truth anon but if a guy wants you, he will make time for you. Chances are he liked you well enough but got a better offer at some point.
My advice is to preserve your dignity and don't initiate contact again.
No. 128602
>>128593I've noticed a pattern in my own relationships where after 3 years of living together things go bad and I see a side of them that I didn't know before. So purely based on personal experience I wouldn't get engaged sooner than three years living together
It's hard to say in general but the longer you live together the better chance you have, going through experiences like family deaths, moving house or losing jobs can show you new sides to people which helps you judge long term compatibility
No. 128606
>>128602>family deaths, moving house or losing jobsThis. It's one thing to go through all the happy times together, but you also have to see how they handle the bad times. Do they take it out on you? Do they neglect you instead of working together?
There have been a couple of times where I thought I moved in with someone who I thought was compatible only to find out they couldn't talk about problems without blaming me or someone else, or they would stonewall me completely without communicating. Both of them didn't want to work on these problems and let things get worse until I eventually left…
So yeah, the earlier you go through hard times together and see how they react, the better
No. 128640
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My bf informed me that he slept with a prostitute in the past. He told me that it was only one prostitute and has told me most of the partners he slept with (3/4). We will be getting tested over the next week for STI/STDs. This is a new relationship as we have been together for a little more than a month.
I brushed the subject off because I am not sure when will be the appropriate time to ask him about his previous partners. I am a bit happy as he trusts me enough to even confess this to me as he could have lied or never say it all. Would it be intrusive to ask him to give me full details on his past sexual partners? Are there any other questions I should ask him regarding the subject?
Sorry if I do not know a thing, he is my first bf.
No. 128647
>>128640Save yourself from having this shitty first relationship. He deep down has certain views towards women if he's able to pay prostitutes. He'll be nice now and after a while of dating and fucking this guy those views will slowly start showing.
We're all way too naive in our first relationships and guys will take advantage of that. Don't fuck this guy. You'll forever have the memory of dating prostitute-guy. You can do mental gymnastics to make believe that's ok but it's not
No. 128650
>>128636Have you read the r/deadbedrooms subreddit? The amount of resentment that builds in these situations is scary, and sex every two months is pretty dead for what I assume is a non-married childless and youngish couple?
I've been there too and two years into the issue my husband left. Looking back I thank him for pulling the plug on our 'friendship still masquerading as a relationship' I thought after five years together that I had to just hang in there and keep trying (sunk cost fallacy)
There's a noticable pattern on r/deadbedrooms where people feel locked in by mortgages, marriages and kids and they wish they'd left early in the relationship. The Dead bedroom appears within the first few years of dating and people hang on for many more years like a miracle is going to return the spark. In your relationship you mention that it's not even an issue of low libido but an attraction issue so that's personal to him. It might be painful now but you both deserve full relationships with some passion.
No. 128654
>>128652Yeah the Reddit is mostly bitter and resentful posts rather than productive posts but I guess it's a reflection of what staying in sexless relationships will do. Very few long term posters ever report much improvement
With me, I came home one day and my husband had just left with all his stuff. I thought he was the most understanding person when it came to my low interest in sex but in reality he was silently struggling and wanting out. Looking back it was never going to improve. Unless you are two asexual people you need mutual attraction and it's either there or it's not
No. 128697
>>128654Definetely not a great manner to end a relationship. I’m sorry for what you went through, anon.
I already had “the talk” about sex with my bf several times. All of them ended with him crying and lamenting about literally any other problem in his life that had nothing to do with sex. And I, the fool, always gave him a pass for derailing the conversation because I felt sorry for him.
But now, I notice this pattern where he never owns the problem and goes to fix it. First he said the problem was his weight, but never did the right exercises at gym (he would only focus on arms or legs) or kept a diet. After that, it became “low t” and I had to beg him to seek medical treatments that he didn’t continue because he THOUGHT they weren’t working and never went back to any doctor. Whenever I asked him if he wasn’t interested in sex at all, he would answer like “oh, I am, I really want to have a pleasurable sex life with you” but it was just empty words. With all the stress that came with trying to have sex, I just feel like I lost all the attraction to him. I feel so stupid for letting all of this happen.
Sorry for the ranting.
No. 128735
>>122983I feel like I may have posted This in the wrong thread but I’m not sure as it’s not a relationship
I really like my housemate and I think maybe? He likes me a bit or at least attracted to me but I’m shy af. I’ve been actively avoiding him most of the time since I moved in and it takes everything just to make eye contact. Sometimes we watch tv together with the others or talk briefly around the house but that’s it. He’s been more friendly recently since he and another HM told us that they’re moving out. What do I do?
How do I at least become comfortable around him? We actually have more than Enough shared interests and stuff in common.
No. 128784
>>128769You seem sexually incompatible. If receiving oral is something you want to experience, and she has no interest in performing it willingly, then you will not have a fulfilling sex life.
Let's say you tell her that you don't mind waiting for her to "feel ready" to go down on you. She knows she will never want to willingly give oral and now she is stuck in this situation where every time you have sex she knows that you are wondering "is this the day it happens?"
Meanwhile the feeling of guilt builds up in her because she knows she lets you down every time. It is not healthy for either of you. I recommend that you think about how important oral is, and how important she is. You have to pick one without the "whenever you feel ready."
No. 128807
This is gonna be a long ass sperg but my spouse and I are becoming financially comfortable enough where it's possible to start having a family. However, there's so many things I wanna do beforehand and there's so many feelings I have about having a baby.
For years, I've feared the feeling of having something grow inside me. I have slight health anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder and any "abnormal" sensation puts my body's protection mode (fight or flight) into overdrive. I've been working on it for the past 6 years, was anxiety free for 2 until I had a big setback last year. On top of this I have trauma from being neglected by my parents. I sometimes feel like I'm not mature enough for a child, I still feel like I haven't done a lot of things I wanted to do as a child.
Another thing, my mom was told she was infertile before she had me, both of us have PCOS. I feel like even when I do get over my fear and become ready to have a child, I may not physically be able to. I have a friend who suffers from infertility as well. She recently had a miscarriage and it was so saddening to see her go through this. She's got mental health issues like me so I can't imagine how she's been feeling these past few days.
I know this is something we're not going to deal with in a serious manner for at least a year, he was mainly bringing it up because his sister is due any day now and his brother just had a child a few months ago as well, both are older.
And it's not just his side of the family, I have a half sister and half brother who both have children of their own, I'm not too close to either, I just met my brother a few weeks ago and my sister I met two years ago but it's still a "push".
I honestly love being with children and they love being around me as well, so my fear of having a child of my own confuses me. Majority of my younger cousins always ask to hang out with me. even my spouses eight year old niece begs for me to spend time with her whenever I visit, last time we visited it was basically just her and I sitting on the living room floor playing Jenga and messing with games on my phone while my spouse, his mom, and sister sat at the dining room table. All the other adults know I'm the one the children love to spend time with and it's mainly because I have hobbies children would normally like; drawing, video games. I'm also technically considered straight edge due to bad experiences I had in my early 20s, which is a source of my PTSD.
I just turned 27 and I know I'm still young and for what I've gone through, I deserve the time I have to better myself mentally. I know in a couple weeks I'm going to explain my worries and what priorities I feel I want to accomplish first before a child comes into the picture. Most importantly, us at least getting engaged before we make the choice. It's a big deal for me and my spouse obviously agrees, we talk about how a child is not something to have when you're bored or a relationship fixer, both of us growing up poor and just now starting to get out of that poverty line we're looking at this critically. I know we'll be smart about it, but he kind of put me on the spot earlier asking me when can we. I think it was more of an insecure question and feeling the pressure from his family and friends.
No. 128832
>>128636what
>>128650 said basically. same thing happened to me, i loved him with all my heart but i didn't want to fuck him anymore. i don't want to just blame him, i had my whole heap of issues, but he wasn't exactly good at sex either.
i'd say just open up to him. because while you deserve a fulfilling sex life, he also deserves someone who actually wants to have sex with him. it's a really hard situation, you have to accept you're going to hurt him and live with that. it took me almost a year to finally accept it. maybe way down the line you guys will reconnect and stay friends. maybe not. don't trap yourself in this situation.
No. 128859
>>128774The fact that she won't tell you why.. is really odd
I know people who are definitely attracted to women but won't perform because they are squeamish about bodily fluids. It'd take her five seconds to explain her reason to you. Her lack of communication sounds almost more frustrating than the lack of oral
No. 128894
File: 1575962949449.jpeg (406.69 KB, 1606x1286, 968305BD-E590-4752-ABB3-B9530D…)
What is the purpose of these messages? My boyfriends ex sends him pitiful messages like this every once in a while and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
I mainly feel sorry for her because it seems like she can’t accept our relationship, but I start to wonder at what point this self-indulgent, self-pitying crap will stop. It’s been a year. Is she going to toast some nonsense like this at our wedding?
Can someone please analyze this for me as I am of average intelligence and do not understand the purpose of these messages. They were not in anyway solicited from what I can see.
For context: she regularly sends flirty selfies and previously sent him a photo of her in her knickers about 2 weeks ago. Again these were unsocilited and received no reaction from him.
No. 128898
>>128895He won’t block her because they’re best friends and she’s one of the only friends he has. Have asked him to set boundaries but he says there’s no need.
The fact that she’s only just now realizing that ‘if we’re not going to be together’ is concerning to me, although he hasn’t been responded the way she hoped, I wish he would be more firm
No. 128900
>>128894She says that if they are made for each other, they will be back together some day because of ~destiny~. But she also says that they have responsibility for their relationship and have to take action. It means: "I am ready to be in a relationship with you again. just give me a sign." Agree with
>>128899, he probably is not ready to drop her and enjoys the attention he gets from her, otherwise he would block her. The "best friend" excuse is the standard, but most of my friends who stayed "best friends" with their ex ended up sexually interacting with them again. Did he show you those messages? Or did you find them?
No. 128901
>>128900I found them.
For fucks sake is she really trying to get back together with him?! He’s not interested and I’ve been dating him for the last 6 months. I’ve mentioned her conduct to I’m before and it just ends in disaster we just go around in circles. Why can’t he just tell her stop
No. 128905
>>128901Not sure what your cognitive issue is, but these really are very, very obvious. She thinks that they are made for each other and "The Cosmic Plan" (aka destiny) will bring them together again. This and the fact that she sends him nudes makes her goal pretty clear. And what makes you so sure he is not interested? He didn’t tell you about it, you don’t know what he is up to. You just found out through secretly going through his chats. He could also delete his answers on Discord, just saying. Your anger seems to be focused on the ex girlfriend, but please also keep in mind that your bf does not stop her at all.
I don’t know what
>>128904 is referring to, but if that is true, then…
oof.
No. 128908
>>128905Yes I do have a problem processing things like this which is why I’m asking for help. I don’t know what to do at this point I feel comeoktelt helpless.
His mum and I have both had a serious talk with him about setting boundaries and he earnestly tells us that her intentions aren’t bad and that they’re just close friends. I want him to block her, it’s too much
No. 128909
>>128907sorry, you're right. he left you for her. that's much worse, and after she allegedly raped him, blah blah blah. look, your bf disparages her in a way, but leaves you for her, thinks fondly of her, clearly, does not value enough to block her when it has upset you for how long now? many months now, since you guys have been together again, and prior to that her role in your life upset you too.
honestly i get the feeling your 'fiance' does feel she's fated to be with him, in a way, and wants his cake and to eat it too, or uses you for shallow reasons (you and i both know what those are) but connects to her more deeply, honestly.
No. 128917
I think anon is having a psychotic episode and talking to herself
>>128912 >>128913 One side of her the side that sages, the other one that mercilessly bumps the thread lol.
>>128912 Anon, why are you such a doormat? You want to buy your bf a TV to get a bit of respect from him? That is just not right. He is doing something shady by staying so close to her despite receiving her nudes and romantic messages. If you don’t want that, tell him that it hurts you and that he should set boundaries + block her.
Your relationship sounds messy and you have deep issues. Don’t reward your bf by buying him something. And if what
>>128909 said is true, break up and find someone better.
No. 128919
>>128917this is her most recent update to the situation prior to this one. she just lets him do whatever out of desperation and endlessly enables him:
>>125913i don't know why she's so obsessed with him considering he allegedly doesn't have much to offer at all. i don't get it. there are countless NEET chantards out there. she's young but damn, this is just extreme doormat plainey shit.
No. 128976
File: 1576044992710.jpeg (27.06 KB, 352x312, 468FB879-2C55-4066-B653-9FC20B…)
I think I’m facing trust issues (again) with my boyfriend.
> I tell him I’m doing important stuff this week and that I didn’t tell anyone else because I don’t want other people putting expectations on me and thinking I’m a failure if I don’t succeed, it makes me feel terrible. I ask him to please not tell anyone (he has a history of spreading what I’m doing with my life to everyone, but I trusted him when explicitly asking him to not tell anyone)
> he says he understands
> go tell a mutual friend that I’ve done said thing, as I feel a bit safer now that I might succeed
> she says he told her about it
I’m honestly pretty disappointed in him. It makes me feel a bit paranoid even, wondering what else he has said about me to other people. I’m trying to figure out how to confront him about it.
No. 128977
File: 1576048712182.jpeg (130.74 KB, 556x505, 594D6FEA-A6D9-4164-8688-890D86…)
I feel like a useless and bad girlfriend because I don’t know how to comfort my boyfriend when he’s feeling bad. He wanted me to comfort him over the phone which I agreed to because I love him and I would do anything for him. I said some stuff, but I feel like it wasn’t enough. We were both silent most of the time and I could tell he was waiting for me to continue speaking, but my mind was completely blank. Why am I so retarded?
No. 128997
>>128977The fact that you're willing to reassure him, even though you're unsure of how exactly to go about it, says plenty of how you care for his wellbeing. You aren't a bad girlfriend because you have trouble putting feelings to words.
To start, you love him, right? So tell him how and why. You don't need to wax poetic or get bogged down with trying be profound about it.
What you appreciate about him and how it makes you feel, what strengths of his you find especially compelling when you're together, are fairly simple ways to start. Compliment him on how he carries himself in conversation, his interpersonal abilities when he's around others, if you think it's appropriate. If he's feeling insecure, compliment his looks, reaffirm how attractive you find him. Compliment him on what he's good at doing, his profession, his hobbies, hell, how he cooks his breakfast in the morning. Show him that you're paying attention, even if it's for small things.
Visual aid can be helpful too, so it may be worthwhile to make a list of all his qualities you appreciate and explain from there with specific instances where those qualities were especially apparent to you. Whatever comes to mind when you think on him, write it down, no matter how mundane is seems.
If nothing else, comfort him in a way you yourself would appreciate. Good luck, Anon!
No. 129178
>>128833Looking back because busy. I have gotten tested anyways because why not. I asked about his previous partners. He told me everything he has done with them and was willing to go into detail on the prostitute. Like how he found her, the things they did, and his own feelings towards the experience. I am taking it with a grain of salt because I never know. The only thing that is a red flag to me is that he did not regret sleeping with the prostitute when I asked if he had any regrets towards it. He only felt disappointed.
Despite it happening before we ever met, I felt hurt that he had no regrets. Probably because I could have done so with the same reason (of being horny and wanting a connection and hell I felt those same feeling while single) and still would not choose to go through with it. Despite me being repressed and wanting sex, I still would resist the urge in hopes that I will do it with someone I love and who share those same feelings back. I really should tell him how I really feel about this since all I did was listen just so I can process my own feelings, maybe it might be best if we go our separate ways.
No. 129179
>>128894She's sending them because
he's reading themHe needs to tell her clearly that it's over and to stop sending him messages. He doesn't want to do that because he's enjoying the attention and likes having a backup plan.
>uwu every girl wants me No. 129206
>>129204Eh, I don't think you should be asking for payment for helping him out at all. He's your SO not a stranger on the street. At the same time, he should be contributing and doing things for you as well. If you feel so unappreciated that you're thinking about asking for payment, then my guess is he isn't being a good partner to you and showing enough appreciation. If it really stressing you out, why not tell him you need to focus on your own studies for now?
In any case he should buy you whatever you want. Because he loves you and not because of some quid pro quid bullshit. Someone who cares and loves about you doesn't mind spending money on you. Both my bf and me and like this. We splurge on each other randomly.
No. 129208
>>129206I see, thank you! I guess at the beginning I would buy him stuff randomly but I kind of ended up stopping because it felt really one sided. The situation is quite one-sided at the moment because he won't look at my work or read it so I suppose that's why i felt a bit under appreciated.
I suppose I do feel like I am doing a lot for him, outside of reading his work, I clean and cook mostly & If i don't do it it doesn't get done for days or we get takeaway. You've given me a bit to think about.
No. 129209
>>129208Gosh yeah, I don't know the whole story but it sounds like he's not doing much for you. A couple months into my first relationship I realized my ex wasn't doing much for me either while I was putting in most of the effort. He wasn't as loving or considerate as me. He didn't make me feel more loved or cared about than I would be on my own. I cared about him, and he had some good potential, but I knew I wasn't getting the relationship I wanted so I left (although I tried to talk to him about it first, but no dice). I know it sounds harsh but a lot of the time, the woman puts in WAY more effort than the man. We don't see how low-effort our partner is until later when we're burned out, because we're so busy doing stuff for them.
After that happened to me I realized, if a guy doesn't put in the effort I want upfront or fails to maintain it, then I'm not gonna settle for that. A guy has to show me he's a devoted and committed partner before I can give him my full love and devotion as well. If that bothers him too bad, he can find another woman to laze out on. A man who is worth it will step up because he wants you in his life.
I'm not going to make assumptions about your relationship. But if you're feeling underappreciated you need to think deeply about it and then talk to him. Why does he refuse to read your work? Why doesn't he think he needs to help you cook or clean? What is he really adding to your life? Are you just there because it's comfortable? So you can have someone you can call a partner? Sometimes we fall into relationships and fail to think about how happy it actually makes us.
No. 129227
File: 1576460755590.gif (7.28 KB, 385x310, image004-1.gif)
Are there any manic lovers around here? I'm one and I'm really tired of feeling like a rollercoaster everytime I fall in love or develop a crush on a guy. I get very jealous if they don't pay me attention 24/7 and feel worthless if they start to talk less to me or prefer to hang around with other people.
It's not like I take it out on them, but I do start to distance myself from them once this happens, just to see if they search for me. Most of the time they don't, so I feel even worse if possible. I tell myself I'm not going to approach them ever again BUT I ALWAYS GO BACK TO THE START. Currently, my weekly mood is: Feel nice when talking to crush > feel fucking jealous > feel like a piece of shit not worth of love > ghost crush.
I hate being so attached to a person, my mood depends entirely on how he treats me daily. It's annoying, but I can't help but miss him though he isn't interested in me and just talks to me when he doesn't have anyone around.
I feel like a fucking child and I would like to know if there are other anons who are like me, and how they cope with being like this.
No. 129238
>>129227For obvious reasons, I’m not going to diagnose you. But if this is a pattern that you don’t have any control over, maybe you should go to therapy. I don’t want to bring up my own issues, but I was a lot like this at my lowest moments. It does get better with some time and growth, but in the meantime it can be very emotionally damaging and exhausting. Some of the side effects of these patterns impacted me negatively, and unfortunately, those haven’t gone away with age. I’m sorry that you relate to this form of love, since it’s almost a form of self-sabotage. If you don’t push people away first, this type of obsessive love will push them away. I really hope you find a way to better manage these feelings or overcome this. If you don’t know how to do that, again, I really think you could benefit from some therapy.
No. 129334
Don't know what to do about this one I'm retarded
I recently went out for drinks with a guy, and we hit it off really quickly: we clocked each other as imageboard users, chatted about travelling and politics, and our shit lives. We hooked up and cuddled for a while after and I stayed the night. He was a flirt to the point it just seemed like a massive joke: randomly calling me cute and gorgeous and shit (I'm pretty weirdlooking), saying he'd paint me and write poems about me, etc. But he also kept finding reasons for me to stay and for us to hang out more. He kept me over an hour and a half past the train I was initially meant to catch, which was already sorta late, walked me to the station and saw me off on the platform with plenty of kisses.
I didn't really expect another text and felt a bit like he was making fun of me, but within half an hour of me getting on the train he'd texted to say he had a nice time. We've been texting nonstop (besides our work hours, which more or less line up) since. He keeps making the same flirty comments, but he also invited me over again this weekend and said he wasn't even that bothered about the sex, he just really liked my company. Is that some way of him saying he just wants to be friends or he wants to go on a date? Or am I just reading way too much into this? I've never had a guy text me like this who I didn't end up dating, but he puts the flirting on to the point that it makes me feel like I'm being made fun of.
It's still too soon for me to say I like him obviously and probably same for him but I do really like his company, I just feel like it's all so much that I'm concerned it's one big act to make a joke out of me. Saged as I don't know if I need advice or just to vent?
No. 129341
>>129338Meant to mention we're both looking for something casual, which is why it comes off very strong/fake
>don't fuck again for a whileIs this meme real?
No. 129367
Can anybody share some advice, or tips, on how to help your boyfriend with he's physical self esteem issues? I'm dating a guy who's always struggled with being chubby, and while he's certainty not what I would class as fat, he's clesrly unhappy with his appearance. I want to be able to make him focus on the positives about himself instead, I'm just not sure how best to do it. He hates having his photo taken - when I compliment him on one, his usual response is "I hate it, I'm so fat". I'm currently trying to compliment other parts of his appearance, i.e. hair or clothing, which goes down better. Maybe there's things I could be saying during sex that'll help? I've told him how sexy he is to me during sex before, and it was the first time he didn't say anything back (maybe he was jist distracted though). I also don't want to drown him in compliments or else I know he'll start thinking they're not genuine.
Basically, any anons here who have partners with low physical self esteem, or have that themselves, what helps someone feel good about themselves?
No. 129374
>>129367Can't you help him lose weight? Sounds like that's the only thing that would really help his self image.
You can't do much more than reminding him that you're attracted to him otherwise. And like the other anon said, it kind of seems like he's the kind of guy to be self-deprecating for attention/validation.
No. 129375
>>129367If a girl enthusiastically having sex with him isn't enough for him to stop being a sad sack of shit about his appearance, it's inoperable.
Sounds like there was a glitch in the matrix and some weak fat incel got a girlfriend.
>>129355Men don't get UTIs wtf are you dating a FtM? It would explain the cheesy lovey dovey shit.
No. 129381
>>129367I do the same thing your boyfriend does. Nothing makes me feel better and if he's anything like me he probably isn't going to change. I do think it does help him more than you think it does even if he still feels bad. I am dating someone who never told me I looked nice and it killed me when I'd try to look good. I told him and now he gives me compliments but it doesn't feel genuine. Not sure if your situation is relatable to that but if you are only saying it in response to his comments it probably doesn't feel remotely real to him and it's more like you are just saying it to be kind.
This comment isn't very helpful, I'm sorry. Basically you will just have to deal with his personality being like that and choose to ignore his self deprecation or you can continue complimenting him without it changing him. I'm sure in his own way he does appreciate your comments and feel a little better even if he still feels crappy.
No. 129456
>>122983Mother-in-law's 6 year old constantly insults, disrespects and threatens me & blames me when his father doesn't visit.
>Bf &I have been asked to stop scolding him because he feels 'bullied'.>I have to take him to & from school every day as she had her car seized >Cries every time he is asked to do something>Wakes up multiple times a night>No discipline or consequences for any of this>He is constantly rewarded with toys & affection even following appalling behaviour>Draws on the walls & our door>'I hate you and wish you were dead' (to me)>She now doesn't want us to correct his behaviour at allThis morning, she asked me why I'm so cranky and why I'm holding a grudge against him for asking him to pick up some rubbish he threw on the floor.
I am largely responsible for cleaning her house and I think it's completely reasonable to ask him to pick up after himself.
I'm an experienced childcare practitioner with credentials and I'm baffled by the leniency shown to him.
No. 129495
>>129469This sounds like one of those /r/relationships posts where the "relationship is ideal, except for this one huge red flag". And then we learn that the bf used to chokehold her or some shit. Your man isn't a dog that needs to be trained to give you basic respect. He's doing it to you on purpose. He knows you won't leave, so he chooses not to expend the energy. Once you start threatening to leave that behavior would stop real fast, only to restart when it's safe to again.
He's selfish and you can do better.
No. 129561
>>129558It's okay anon, it will pass.
Block him AND her or don't visit their profiles or that wound won't heal. Take a break and try to focus more on your hobbies, friends and possibly try something new.
No. 129574
>>129558Unfollow him back.
It hurts, but in all honesty he's probably not going back to you. I was in a similar position before, but I wouldn't look at his stories/profile, but every time they popped up on my feed I would get depressed for that night and day after. He unfollowed me, I unfollowed him, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. No more risk of seeing his posts.
It's normal to be sad. For some, it makes longer than others. If it helps, I tried to separate my emotional mind from my logical mind. My logical mind knows that I will one day get over it and really wants to be over it, but my emotional mind needs to have its tantrum first. Your feelings are temporary. Think of it as progress or a timer/countdown.
>I hate feeling so sad over this, but it's normal to be sad. This sadness now sucks, but I know it is temporary and will fade.If you tell yourself that you're fine and you should just get over it, you may be keeping your emotional mind bottled up. Let it leak out until it's all depleted!
Now of course don't wallow in self-pity all the time, but if you're feeling sad, acknowledge it, and know that it won't be like this for that much longer.
There is nothing wrong with YOU. It is normal to be sad
No. 129579
>>129577Anon, your boyfriend is a manipulative piece of shit, and it only gonna get worse from this point. You're not a pervert in any way, nor you are at fault for trying to improve your sex life. It never should have been ONLY YOU that tries to do that anyway, he whines to hix ex about how your sex is lackluster, but what did he really do himself? He should've talked to you, not her. He must have. And he had absolutely no right to tell someone you know about what you do in bed. And him refusing not to do that again just means he's gonna shit on everything you do, if he didn't already. You're never gonna satisfy him, but the problem is not not you, it's him. You did everything you could. Honestly anon. You deserve so much better. And you can find yourself someone so much better than this parody of a boyfriend.
I know it hurts, but it's gonna get better. You need to love yourself more.
No. 129581
File: 1577040705800.png (94.97 KB, 523x380, EF00EB12-7867-4065-B97E-007E09…)
Hey Anons, I really need a push to break up with my boyfriend face to face next week. I done cried my eyes out already preparing myself, but I know my dumbass is going to cry again while talking to him.
If anyone’s curious as to why I want to break up with him it’s because I don’t see us lasting together a very long time. We both have different lives. Plus I want to do it before he does it because I have a feeling he’s going to break up with me soon, and I want to be the one who calls it so it’s less painful for me. Anyone else been through this? Should I even wait until next week? I didn’t really want to do it this week since it’s Christmas…
No. 129583
>>129579Thank you anon. I just feel like I’m crazy.
I told him I felt my privacy was invaded and that it was disrespectful but he keeps defending his actions and says ‘I’m not going to censor myself’ like. you have to be joking
Ever since the convo he’s been ignoring me and won’t do anything with me
No. 129599
>>129567>If you flirt first and they reciprocate do you also feel repulsed?Yes, that's the problem! I think to a degree it's often that I lose interest because I find something I dislike in them that wasn't immediately apparent, but it's happened often enough that I wonder if it is just that showing interest in me turns me off.
Idk, it's fucked. I want to be in a casual relationship just to have some dating experience but the only men I feel ANY attraction to are unavailable.
No. 129605
>>129556hmm, yeah. i too lose interest in guys who seem to be interested in me and get physically nauseous when someone asks me out. i wonder if this is because i just want the
fantasy of dating? idk, i guess i'm not ready for the real thing. i've never liked someone who i knew was in a relationship though.
No. 129631
>>129561>>129574Thank you, kind anons!
The worst part is that I unfollowed him first though, so I shouldn't even be upset about him unfollowing me (although I do think it's kinda petty? but idk). It's just that feeling that from now on we really won't be present in each other's lives anymore that freaks me out. Like there's a definite cut in our relationship that is impossible to fix now. Even if I ended up re-following him in the future, he probably wouldn't follow me back. I kind of regret unfollowing him..
I really hope that it will set me free in the end though and help me finally heal my wounds! I keep telling myself that I'll leave him in 2019, so I hope that actually works.
No. 129638
>>129583anon, like the other person said, your boyfriend is manipulative and gaslighting you. "I'm not going to censor myself" is a typical line that
abusive people throw out when they get called on being manipulative and
abusive. It's an excuse to try to continue to be an asshole to you.
It's also
abusive and gaslighting to try to tell someone they have a mental disorder. Look up "crazy making" and then think hard about how much of that fits your situation. Break up with him. Leave. There's no reason for him to still be in contact with an ex (other than he keeps her around on the backburner for when you leave him or he gets tired of you OR he's currently fucking her too). Leave the situation before it continues to escalate and you end up feeling more insane and paranoid.
No. 129700
>>129558Sounds like he cut loose the second he couldn't keep up the nice act anymore. Rather than show you his true self he ran. Now you're stuck thinking the three months of acting you saw was "real"
If he was as good of a person as you believe, he wouldn't have cut loose three months in. It looks like he's petty, focused on novelty, and will never be ready to be mature and honest with anyone. You miss an act, not the real him.
No. 129715
Anybody here non-monogamous? And/or has anyone here hooked up casually with a roommate and/or guy friend?
My roommate is sending mixed signals towards me and I have no idea what to do, or just do nothing.
I have a boyfriend and he lives with us as well, but for the past couple months I’ve been spending more time with the roommate than my bf due to my bf being the type to love and support me unconditionally but in his free time he does solitary things, and never wants to plan something with me. (When I try it’s a battle so I’ve given up but I’ve found company in my roommate).
I am attracted to him, but I don’t see myself actually dating him. I am getting so sexually charged for him, mind you my boyfriend doesn’t even want to have sex anymore and the past few weeks I’ve felt no desire to with him anyways.
But it’s my roommate. Not some guy who lives somewhere else. I want this friendship, but what kind of friend tossles my hair multiple times, comes to see me at my job saying “I just came to see you!”, plays video games with me every night for hours, repots my plant when he sees that it needed it (while not repotting his own), makes memes just for me, (lame I know..but it’s cute), inviting me for breakfast each morning following our night outs every Saturday night. I dance so close to him, we’ve grinded multiple times… but in the uber he turns his whole body away from me.
It’s fucking frustrating and I’m just venting because my boyfriend and I are open about liking other people, roommate isn’t aware though, and all that but everyone says don’t shit where you eat. But god damn sometimes all I can think about is him and how I want him to try to make a real move on me.
No. 129761
>>129751Tbh I wouldn't want to spend time with my family if they constantly made digs at something they knew I was insecure about either. Can't blame her there, that's shitty.
It doesn't sound like you have a great reason to be disgusted at her considering it sounds like she's never done anything to you, and your biggest gripe is that conjecture that she's trying to pop one out before you so she can steal the family honeypot away from you. Lol, this feud is so manufactured it belongs on a soap opera.
No. 129762
>>129728My boyfriend does the same shit every night and quite frankly it’s boring. It’s strange, I’ve gotten bored, maybe. We were both never really sexual to begin with (my lack of experience and his trauma).
We tell each other we love each other, he’ll tell me he’d die if I left him, or he cries because he thinks about how much he loves me. Is that a guilt thing?
This is my first boyfriend I’ve ever had and I am so afraid that no one will ever love me like this again. I feel trapped frankly though because if I break it off I can’t stay in the city anymore since I don’t have enough money for a new security deposit (I know I can’t get my current one back), so I’d be leaving it all and the reason I came to the city was for my art, not love, so it’s also me being a dumbass for straying from my passion.
They are friends but not as close as he and I are. My roommate has expressed numerous times he wants to do things with my boyfriend but my boyfriend, being antisocial doesn’t really /do/ anything.
You’re right though. I need to halt these feelings and not shit where I eat, thank you for the reassurance!
No. 129776
File: 1577351255261.jpg (86.34 KB, 800x600, me.jpg)
I can barely stand my boyfriend.
He's 29 and I am 20, and we've been together for around 7 months. He is becoming jaded and unmotivated. I don't mind our age difference, I've definitely learned from him but now I feel as though I'm starting to grow past him. He seems unable to change. The only thing that isn't stopping me from dropping everything and moving away from my town is a month long vacation we have planned out of the country, but I am honestly scared I will want to be ripping my hair out every second we are on the vacation together. (He bought me a ticket to go with him after around 2 months of us dating.) The sex is great and he's funny but he's lives with his sister and her children, and it's honestly the most depressing thing. He has a cat that pisses everywhere and he won't listen to me in regards of getting rid of it and it's just so fucking unfair to his niece and nephew. He eats like shit, doesn't exercise, and claims he wants to change these things but never does.
I doubt he will ever change and now I feel as though I am wasting time. I honestly can't even stand to be around him sometimes. I feel as though I am being unfair but he hasn't put in the steps to change the entire time we have been together.
TL;DR- I am dating a man baby and I feel trapped because he bought me a ticket to go on a month long vacation with him two months into our relationship.
No. 129777
>>129776> I don't mind our age difference, Well you should, men who date significantly younger women are gross but at the very least they should be well off. You don't even get the one benefit you should expect from an older man, tf is the point?
You are 20 and it's only been 7 months. You haven't exactly sunk a tonne of time into him, I'm sure he can find a friend to go on vacation with him instead.
No. 129778
>>129776>month long vacationWhat is this? Do neither of you work? That's insane to put that on someone he just started dating. If you go on the vacation you will just be playing mommy the whole time looking after him.
It also sounds like you don't kmow him well enough or even like him enough to tolerate a one month vacation.
No. 129781
>>129778We both work. He pretty much paid for the vacation.
>>129780You're right–I can't change a 29 year old man and I realized this weeks ago. I've been treating him as a friend and it's been pretty relieving. I can't control or change anything in his life and I don't plan on staying with him forever lol. We have known each other for over a year and I was apprehensive to date him because of his age and he felt similarly which is why we didn't pursue anything romantic until 7 months ago. I care about him deeply for sure, I guess I'm just venting things I've noticed in him. He won't change but that doesn't mean I can't try and enjoy this vacation. He's said either way we go he doesn't mind… Dating or not. I guess as time goes on he is just getting more codependent, and I'm getting irritated with by it.
No. 129785
>>129781Just…30 year old guy booking
one month long vacation for his 20 year old girlfriend he just started dating.
This suggests he knows it's not gonna last, and wants to get the most out of you that he can in your "prime sexual worth" age of 20.
I can guess the plan is something like: get a month of constant sex, cooking, cleaning, attention etc from you, while you are trapped abroad and reliant for him to pay for your ticket out.
No. 129807
File: 1577385745310.png (198.96 KB, 446x444, 1577173681055.png)
I just want to know if I am overreacting or not. My boyfriend and I weren't able to spend Christmas together because I wanted to come back to my family for a week. So we've decided a month beforehand that we are going to talk on vc for a few hours during Christmas. I was making sure every few days if that's fine with him, if he is still up to do it, etc. On Christmas Eve I've told him I will be availabe all day, so he should let me know when he wants to vc. He has decided to let me know that he wants to do it just before I was going to bed, after he has been online for around 13 hours (his family doesn't celebrate Christmas so he was alone).
I got pretty upset with him, because he could have just told me that he doesn't want to vc. I would have spent the day visiting my cousins instead of waiting for him to come around. He makes me feel like I am the biggest drama queen because I've asked him to try to improve his communication skills. Is this really such a non-issue?
No. 129811
>>129809Yeah, well it’s unlikely you are going to die from weight related causes at 125lbs so maybe it’s understandable, but if you are a hambeast and your family are telling you to lose weight so you don’t die at age 50, accept the
valid criticism.
No. 129822
>>129811None of us here know if that's the case or not because OP never mentioned if the girl is an actual morbidly obese. You're the one that's jumping down throats because god forbid someone tell you to take your unsolicited advice and blow it out your ass.
Hopefully someone will shit on you "for your own good" someday so you can have a little thimble of your own medicine.
No. 129972
>>129965All I'm hearing is that he thinks he can do better than you and wants a 'break' to see if he can upgrade.
Don't be his last resort sis.
No. 129988
>>129926They're just trying to hire a prostitute for free, anyone seriously interested in kink stuff that wasn't trying to scam normies would use kink specific sites
Basically you'd be turning up to service them and there would be no further communication or relationship. I don't like how it's always the guy running the account and using his girlfriend as a lure
No. 130101
File: 1577787924794.jpeg (62.19 KB, 642x579, 15E319E4-AA92-4A06-877B-A65051…)
How often do your boyfriends/husbands say things like “I care about you” “you mean a lot to me” etc? Just sweet sentimental things like that? My bf almost never says those things and he acts annoyed when I ask for reassurance
No. 130108
My s/o's sister has a relationship problem and I am worried about her, wanting your opinion.
She and her bf been dating for 8 years together, 4 out of which they lived together. Both are kind people (at least seem like ones) and pretty much show affection towards eachother. Though she is really highly insecure about her weight and appearance in general, plus depression is always kicking her.
Apparently, during their first year they already had a red flag. He realised he wasnt ready to live with her, packed his things during night and left the house. He couldnt leave permamently because not enough guts, returned some hours later. She never told about it before. They havent visited her homecountry since that happened for 2 years which now I can see why; she was too scared he would leave again.
And so, when me and my s/o got married, she decided to push her bf onto marriage, too. But for some reason they decided to marry in her homecountry, dont know if it was her or his idea.
They came here, spent christmas and her birthday and right after her birthday he packed his things again while everyone were sleeping, took his things, drove to airport and left to his country. He refused to answer to any call, only talked to her mother to tell her how to return her daughters things. He said that he couldnt bear with her depression anymore.
And as you understand, she still wants him back and I am afraid thats what would happen when she actually deserves someone better. I am still shocked over this situation. She kept calling him yesterday and messaging him everywhere.
She never went to uni and doesnt work, maybe it could also distract her from things since no one can afford therapy.
No. 130115
>>130112Yeah it was shitty but I guess he thought making sure he was in her home country with her mom was for the best? It def could've been worse on her.
Awful situation all around though, I hope they don't get back together. And that she can find some help with her depression and someone that loves her for her.
No. 130132
>>130106I really wish my relationship was like that. I always say it to my bf but he barely ever reciprocates or just jokingly says that I’m being “cringe.”
>>130107>i bet you feel like a whimpering dog clawing at a door waiting for its owner to return?That’s exactly how I feel. I used to feel like I was being really annoying and “high maintenance” but I feel like deep inside I know I love him more than he loves me. I’ve had 2 talks with him about wanting him to be more affectionate but nothing changed. He was so lovey-dovey during the honeymoon phase and I miss it so desperately.
No. 130140
File: 1577836601939.jpg (32.35 KB, 512x512, emojipedia-vomiting-emoticon-a…)
>>130132>he barely ever reciprocates or just jokingly says that I’m being “cringe.”Girl runnn. That right there is an emotionally constipated, immature manbaby.
My ex was like that, but instead he would insult me and tell me I sound like an old married woman, then when I fought back he'd say "my sense of humour is just autistic lol stop taking everything so personally".
No. 130174
>>130108Eight years and this poor woman has nothing to show for her emotional investment except this man ditching her in the middle of the night. She needs to stop chasing him, he doesn't truly want her and he's a coward. He'll only return to her if he encounters difficulties or other financial problems after striking out on his own when he can use her for his convenience again.
She needs to find a job or go back to school. It will help her with depression and allow her to get some independence. Right now she's co-dependent which is why she's desperately pining after a man who abandoned her. She'll be depressed for awhile after this (I mean who wouldn't in her shoes?) but assure her that she's better off.
No. 130224
>>130147Lmfao i fucking cant with some of y'all
>>130146Girl, just tell him you appreciate him calling you cute but you prefer other words that doesnt make you feel like a pet.
No. 130275
>>130244His feelings are not your responsibility, you say your're feeling drained, sad, and depressed but has he considered you like you're considering him?
You say he says he'll change but makes no effort, you're already putting so much consideration into his feelings more than he is any of yours. Yes, it'll suck and yes it'll probably bum him out but you can't just let yourself suffer because you're scared he'll have hurt feelings. Sometimes moving on for both of you is the best option instead of you feeling trapped and depressed and him just being enabled to stay the same.
No. 130285
>>130244I was you 4 months ago. I promise you, he'll be okay. He'll grow up. If he isolates himself that's not your fault or responsibility, that's on him being childish.
I'd recommend cutting contact with him as much as possible if you're scared about his reaction and the way it will affect him. It's harsh, but if seeing him hurting is going to make you feel guilty you don't have to know about it. It's easier not to.
He's not going to change his behaviour, he's giving you the same old lines because he knows they work and he can see you still stick around. You can't change him if you aren't giving him any incentive to change his act: he still gets to keep you around even if he knows you're unhappy, he's not facing any consequences. Leave him, and be honest with him about why. That's the only way he'll ever grow up.
You're clearly not happy with him. Don't stick around for his benefit, you'll just grow to resent him.
No. 130293
>>130260>>130275>>130285Thanks for the advice, anons. I did it. It actually went pretty well, with a lot of ugly crying from my part lmao
He understood everything and didn’t insist. At least I’m happy we can still consider each other friends and didn’t end the relationship with a horrible fight or anything. I’m feeling kinda empty right now but I know it’ll be alright sometime.
Thanks again.
No. 130342
File: 1578165887982.jpg (182.07 KB, 1080x1349, 1565412023169.jpg)
I've been talking to a guy for a couple months now. For me this is huge because I usually go out of my way to avoid men, dealing with them or dating them. The one time I didnt and made the mistake of falling in love with one, the guy made me feel like absolute garbage for not looking like the asian kpop girl of his fantasies.
I was thinking this time around that maybe this guy is finally different, that maybe I had men all wrong and maybe this was finally someone who enjoyed me for exactly who I am…until the subject of exercise came up and he got a little pushy about how I should get into toning up. I'm not even fucking fat, I'm 5'3 and 130pounds. I'm just average albeit a little busty.
Is it over ladies? Should I ghost him? I feel like I'm already starting to see the writing on the wall here. I don't really wanna have to be paranoid about my weight or body, but at the same time up until that point he hadn't made a single mistake. Should I try to wait out an apology? I think he can at least tell that he's hurt my feelings. I'm so bummed out, this shit aint fair. I don't even talk to chads, why are geeks so awful too.
No. 130343
>>130335nta, but what about online friends? It could also help you.
>>130342Depends on how it was worded, imo. If fitness is one of his hobbies then maybe he wanted to you to sort of join him? If not, tell him to fuck off.
No. 130346
>>130345I personally wouldn't put up with it since I'd never act that way myself and so I expect to be treated as I treat them. Also dating someone you aren't attracted to as they are with plans to change their looks is rarted.
So would you egg
him into getting abs or something? If not, leave him.
No. 130350
>>130342>>130345Dump him, and be cold about it. You've invested nothing by just 'talking' to him for a couple of months so you have nothing to lose but a piece of shit who wants to mould you into his perfect 10/10 gf.
Men need to be taught that if they don't like our bodies, they don't get access to them. They will only learn if we start breaking up with them when they start tearing down our self esteem, otherwise they will just keep using our bodies while resenting and insulting them. He doesn't deserve your attention and you don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. It's one thing if you were married and put on a lot of weight over time, but you were like this from the start and it's not like your weight is high enough to be a health problem he could be concerned about.
Unfortunately I don't have advice beyond that. I've heard so many stories just like yours, perfectly normal looking girls who are never good enough for men raised on porn, and get hurt badly when the man feels entitled to comment negatively on your appearance. I don't really bother with men anymore but one of my top rules and boundaries has become 'break up with a man the INSTANT he is cruel about your looks'.
No. 130353
>>130351Honestly, a lot of people might think it's a red flag idk, but it would never bother me. My husband is the exact same, and it's just because he's a quiet guy and enjoys his own company. We are both quite introverted though and I keep to myself as well.
If this is the only thing that's made you raise an eyebrow about him, I really wouldn't let it bother you, as long as he seems nice and well-adjusted and just a quiet guy rather than an autistic NEET who never leaves the house or talks to anyone ever.
>>130116I've just seen this response too and my husband also doesn't use any social media and never has. It's a really particular trait in guys that I rarely see and really like. Specifically enjoying your own company and not really understanding the buzz about social media etc. They tend to be decent guys.
>>130352You bruised his ego for sure Anon, what a little smegma coated bitchboy. I bet your belly is cute as fuck, and soft and warm, and he should eat shit tbqh
>>130350This entire comment is prime advice. Take it!!
No. 130354
>>130353It was quite marshmallowy back then because I was depressed due to how he treated me, but now I have lost a lot of my puppy fat so jokes on him. He's now got a beer gut and looks like shit. When I told him he didn't smell good I plainly said 'You don't smell too fresh… wanna shower first?' and he got in a shitty mood. I could have told him 'boy, your dick smells like a fish tank - fix it' but I guess that serves me right for being conscious of someone's feelings.
But thank you. Past me was sad about her belly and this comment would have made her day.
No. 130396
>>130361I don't know the particulars of your
abusive relationship, but maybe you're unwilling to outlast the honeymoon period because after that is when your partner gets comfortable and might be willing to let
abusive behaviors start showing. You've already got time invested, you've already got a lovebombing groundwork from the lovely honeymoon phase. So subconciously you might be pulling away before you can get thrown into a bad relationship again?
Or maybe the bad relationship made you just want things that are casual and fun and not so intense so you get bored quickly. Idk anon but I hope therapy helps!
No. 130403
>>130361I think you’re just scared of being hurt again. It’s frequent for abused people to be scared of letting go of fears and escape from relationships when shit gets serious.
Or I might be projecting.
No. 130407
When is the right time to have the "what are we" talk?
There's a guy I guess I've been 'seeing' for about a month now. Before I met him we were both pretty much looking for a casual fwb arrangement. When I actually met him though we sort of clicked, we both have a lot in common and I really enjoy his company, we've both said that we like just hanging out together, we tend to get high, watch netflix and cuddle. He compliments me a lot and talks about all the places he wants to take me, and we've even had meaningless phone calls.
I've met up with him three separate times but I always stay over and we generally do something the next day so I guess we've spent 6 days together really. I feel like I've known him a lot longer and again we do text quite a lot.
I don't want him to think I have the wrong idea, and I do have a lot of trust issues so I'm not just about to jump into anything hugely serious, but I also want to know if there's the potential there for us to be a couple, because it's hard to tell if this is how he usually treats girls he meets up with or not. I don't think I'd really mind either way this early on, but there's certain things he does that just strike me as kind of couple-y, and I guess I just want to know what he wants or where he's at? How do I go about that without freaking him out?
No. 130416
>>130407Don't put that cuddly behaviour on a pedestal.
Red flags all over your post so I'm gonna restate your situation for you so that you can see it from a dispassionate perspective before adding my thoughts :)
He could be into you. Or, he could just be starved of female attention and grabbing while it's on offer, he did propose nothing more than an fwb situation, after all.
You agreed to the fwb thing, so expecting anything more after just 3 days might be a bit too soon. So be prepared for that.
However, you need to protect yourself and your feelings first and foremost. If you're falling hard, you're gonna have to force the conversation sooner rather than later or you might get your feelings hurt further down the line. Not to mention wasting time cuddling a guy who sees you as nothing more than a hole that cuddles him when you could be investing that time into finding a man.
There's no shame in any of the above, just look out for yourself and your feelings first and foremost. Only you know what you are and are not able to live with, what other people find appropriate may not work for you. So don't go getting a bunch of advice and doing something that might work for others, but may not be good for you.
No. 130417
>>130410ntayrt but if you aren't already, I'd seriously consider attending some kind of therapy. PTSD isn't a joke and shouldn't be taken lightly, and if you're struggling as badly as you claim, to the point of constant tears, it's time to start taking steps to improve your situation and addressing your problems. It's never too late to ask for help, anon, never forget that.
Also,
>and your partner doesn't feel bad for you but just thinks it's annoying that you cry so muchAre you looking for pity from him or understanding? Do you want his reassurance in the situation or his agreement in justifying your behavior? Your boyfriend is not your therapist, and is not a suitable replacement for one, which could also explain his reactions to your displays of distress. Without further context to your situation, this is as best a guess I can make.
Otherwise, please take care of yourself, no one else can or should do it for you.
No. 130420
>>130410Ya I'd echo the other reply: your bf isn't there to be your therapist.
Bf's should console you if you're sad for a specific reason, of course.
But if it's ongoing sadness that makes you unable to stop crying on the regular, or ptsd or the like, then you really need to start seeing a counsellor and talk to them about what you're feeling so that they can prescribe a treatment plan. Counsellors have training for this. Your bf doesn't.
Relationships are meant to be two people enjoying their lives together. You can't expect your bf to be your therapist or to 'fix' you.
Sorry to hear you're going through painful times, hopefully you're able to find a certified counsellor and start feeling better soon.
No. 130443
>>130442Adults try and solve the problem themselves, especially if it's something simple like a shower, instead of breaking down into tears and texting their boyfriend, then posting about it on the internet and excusing their behaviour every time they get a response that isn't what they expected.
I'm not being insulting "for no reason", you literally said yourself that you cried because you couldn't figure out how to use a shower. That is childish behaviour, and I am pointing it out.
I will echo
>>130420 and say that you need therapy, badly. It's not my job to care about your self-esteem and censor myself on the internet. If you don't like the advice received here, seek it elsewhere. That's all the time I'll spare out of my day to reply to you, take it or leave it. The world isn't your mom.
No. 130449
>>130438I used to get worked up over small things like this and feel like people were mean when they couldn't put up with it or called me names.
Therapy helped me.
No. 130500
Anyone have any advice on being with a guy that is closed off? I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and generally we get along but I just feel resentful towards him sometimes.
He's the type of person that doesn't really share much about them and I'm a lot more open with my feelings. In 4 years I feel I'm the only one that always starts arguments, and usually they always end in a way that is unsatisfactory to me. He's very much of the "I don't know" or the "I don't know what you want me to say" variety. He makes me think I'm just complaining unnecessarily most of the time because he's always fine with everything. Like he never has any issues with me until I have problems with him. I just find myself sometimes getting into arguments wanting him to spill his guts but it never happens. He usually just frowns and stares at me or gets annoyed and just states he doesn't know what to say.
Usually his excuse is that he's different from me and he's just closed off and when he feels bad he prefers to mull it over himself and not bring it up with me. And he also states that I just want him to say a particular thing and that I'm waiting for that and he never knows what it is.
Girls I just feel so frustrated when we argue. It's really bad to be the only one that has problems in the relationship and the idea that he's not the type to admit he has any issues just makes me paranoid and makes me ask him constantly if he's ok, is everything ok, etc and that just pisses him off more.
The worst part is that we don't get along badly, but I just feel there's no depth to our relationship. We usually meet twice a week at night and he goes to work the next day. I don't mind the distance since I'm a bit of a loner too, but we've never even been more than 24 hours together and have never taken a trip. I've mentioned it and he's not the type to say no, but he never plans anything himself and I feel resentful that for something exciting to happen in our relationship I have to be the one to do it.
Anyone ever dated someome like this? This all came up because last week we had sex and the condom broke. I wasn't taking medication so I went and took plan b. I'm a bit paranoid so maybe I misunderstood him but he got super awkward and I didn't understand why. I asked him and his reply was "nothing, just weird, was a weird situation". And that just annoyed me because… we've been going out for 4 years! How are you still awkward with me?? With such a common thing to happen too. It was just a weird feeling I got and he just told me "nothing happens, it was just a weird situation, you're making too much of it. I'm OK, stop asking". It's hard for me to put into words why it bothered me. I just wanted him to be like "oops haha let's look for the pill" and be normal, not get all quiet and shit. I'm not easy because I get anxious as fuck, but I still tried to be chill about it.
No. 130503
>>130500This whole thing, I could have written it. Absolutely uncanny.
Honestly, it gets more and more frustrating over time and can make you feel retarded or insane for being the one who starts a heated conversation or argument and can feel extremely lonely and sad after a few years. If you're someone who craves emotional love and fun and conversation, I wouldn't stay long term. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I definitely have been through this exact situation and no amount of years of help or talking or figuring out if he's depressed or therapy or ANYTHING worked long term, he would still just be like "meh" and it drives you fucking insane after a while
No. 130507
>>130500>>130503 Holy fuck anons, I feel like I ghostwrote this.
Male psychology is simple so what helped me was going cold turkey on him after one of the arguments. I stopped initiating contact, making plans or asking to meet up. Couple weeks later and he seemingly got the idea and started actually working on his communication skills. Don't let him get comfortable and expect you to pour your heart out each time you argue.
No. 130510
>>130507Yes seems like it's a male issues sometimes. They are usually more closed off. I will definitely have a talk with him but I feel maybe I need to move on from this relationship. I've definitely had moments where I've waited for him to step up and it doesn't easily happen. And maybe it's already too damaged to salvage…
I asked the same in Reddit and someone replied with the following and it was just uncanny on how our discussions go:
With any discussion/serious talk/argument, I’d always be calm and prompt him to share his feelings. He looked like he was always thinking of how to say something then “I don’t know” would roll off his tongue. I’d tell him my emotions, then explain why. I’d start his sentences, prompt him, stay silent for him to speak, do it when he’s confident/happy — no matter what: “I don’t know” is the only response.
By the end, it infuriated me. How can someone be like this?! At least say “I hate you” or “fuck you” or something. Anything would have been welcomed. He would quickly go from nervous to annoyed and I would have a short window before he’s angry. It’s like public speaking for them I guess, the anxiety builds up and they explode. They want to keep peace and leave the situation. Except it’s NOT OKAY. They are adults and if they choose to be in a relationship, then they should start acting like they’re in one.
No. 130511
>>130507>>130510Aight I'm
>>130503 and I refuse to believe you're not both me
No. 130513
>>130511Wonder why it happens so much, I guess it's the usual "man are not supposed to express feelings" shit. It just annoys me that they go through life feeling like it's OK not to. I've had so many conversations where I've asked him to change and he gets angry that I would ask since he is what he is.
Like yes, I get that we're not all the same, but I pushed change on him so much since I will never think that the way he handles relationships is healthy. I can just envision him having the exact issue in future relationships over and over.
Also I hated this guy replies on my reddit post. Made me feel like shit.
You're the problem, not him, and you know it too. Having your boyfriend admit to it would make you feel better but he is being sincere and accept g you how you are. In the other hand you are being petty,
problematic and selfish by forcing him to say something so you feel better. Get to feel better yourself by your own. You will be happier and the relationship will improve.
No. 130526
>>130525Focus on you. Stop reminiscing about guys who've wasted some of your life.
Instead of moping, fill your time by only doing things that make you happy. Hobbies, creative things, whatever.
Try reading some of the posts on r/femaledatingstrategy too. Especially read about the kinds of guys you really want in your life: you need a guy who'll be there for you and your potential kids everyday for the next 50 years. So don't settle for the first guy who ticks all your boxes. Be choosy. And drop the flakes as soon as they wave any red flags because there's plenty of desirable men out there for you to choose from.
This guy has abandoned you once, and he'll do it again. So don't get back with him ever.
No. 130532
Okay so, many years ago me and this guy almost had a thing but ended up dating other people.
I carried on having a crush on him for a while, not like a mega crush like just a small one, not a Joe-from-you type scenario.
Anyway, he ended up leaving our friendgroup and moving away and now he is back. I have a partner who I have been with for a long time who treats me amazingly, like 100% not at fault in this scenario.
Anyway, since friend has been back, I've literally been dreaming about him most nights. I want to just make out with him and get it over with (I'm not a casual sex person anyway) to get him out my system but obviously, I'm not going to do that as I have a partner. I can't avoid him as that means not seeing my friends either, and when we do go out he is playful flirty (not like, actual flirting but playing up for my attention)
Long story short, how do I stop crushing on someone I can't really avoid or do anything to resolve?
Ty
No. 130535
>>123076CBT is a type of treatment, rather than your first port of call. It's best when prescribed to the patient, rather than something they just elect to do without professional oversight.
(Although CBT practitioners are fine and will happily take your money and do their best to help; its best to consider something like CBT as analogous to other types of treatments such as, if you had an arm injury, your doctor would prescribe some physical therapy. But you'd be very unlikely to just pop into a physical therapy clinic and ask for treatment without a doctor prescribing that treatment).
Try to find a licensed counsellor or licensed therapist that has experience with OCD to oversee your bf's treatment. They'll prescribe whatever specific treatments they feel will help manage his illness.
Your local city/state/national websites should have lists of licensed counsellors & therapists.
(The difference between them is: Licensed Counsellors typically try to manage issues with talk therapy, as much as possible. While refraining from prescribing specific treatments unless they feel it's absolutely necessary. Licensed Therapists will use talk therapy too but take a more managerial approach and prescribe various types of therapy (such as CBT, or talk therapy with a counsellor), and then they make decisions about future treatments based on how each therapy improves the patient. Therapists tend to be more expensive, but a more intense experience because they'll send you to various therapies and basically manage your progress. Counsellors tends to be cheaper but more focused on actually improving day-to-day self esteem.)
Unless specifically prescribed, stay away from psychiatrists, they often won't do any of the above. Their profession is mainly focused on prescribing medications to manage patients' symptoms. (Note that, if medication is absolutely necessary, licensed counsellors and licensed therapists are trained to identify when medications may be necessary and would prescribe a visit to a psychiatrist to have the patient assessed and diagnosed, and if necessary, put on a medication treatment.)
This is all a minefield of confusion for regular people so I hope that was helpful. There's a ton of nuance and overlap between these three professions, but that's the main differences you need to know right now in order to figure out what's best for you and your bf going forward.
Just make sure you only seek treatment from people that are listed on the various government-approved licensing body websites available in your locality. Don't go to quacks or anyone that's not listed on a properly accredited licensing body website.
No. 130578
>>130542Original anon. I told him we needed to talk, we're meeting tomorrow since he can't Today. I think I'm going to break things off but I still feel a lot of guilt and fear of regretting it. I also dislike the idea that this will feel "out of nowhere" for him, but I can't really do much about that.
I'm also really scared that this is all more a result of the plan b pill and that I'm just very emotional. But I do think I didn't state anything that I have't though of before…
>>130503Can you elaborate how breaking up felt? How did he react? Were you together long?
>>130507Do you feel your relationship is a lot better now? I honestly don't think I have the patience to do this, each day that passes I just feel more inclined to break it off because so many things are just off with our relationship. But I'm really interested in hearing how you both surpassed it.