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File: 1567963010635.jpg (49.47 KB, 500x371, haha-you-love-me.jpg)

No. 122983

Old thread hit the limit! >>>/g/108637
Having some relationship issues or questions and need to vent or get advice? Come here and talk with fellow farmers for another point of view.

No. 122986

More of a vent if anything but I was really getting along with my new boyfriend up until he started to act weirdly jealous and admitted as much. At first I took it as flattery because of exes acting so disinterested in me or just treating me like a piece of worthless trash not even worth a text message or a nice dinner. This new boyfriend wanted to do all those things for me and frequently and made known that he wanted me. I took the behavior as a sign that I was desired and it felt really good to be wanted. I still like that feeling.
Last night he tried to turn his jealousy against me and it made me feel really insulted.

He texted me to accuse that I still had feelings for my ex and I was hiding something on my cell phone the other night.
First of all, the accusations blindsided me because I had no idea what he was talking about or was even aware anything was wrong. I tried to be nice at first, and maybe it was a misunderstanding.
I told him I didn't have feelings for my ex. I dumped almost a year ago now. Also that I don't even talk to him, and what brought that up? Then I explained I was actually finishing up typing a post on here lel, and nah I didn't really want him to see what I was typing on my phone but he could've asked what I was doing if he had a concern. I really don't use social media much and said I have no problems handing over my phone for him to check if he really wants to see how little is actually going on.
If he has an issue then he needs to talk to me at the time about it.

Then he gave me a third degree about my ex again after the cell phone thing was buried. I asked him what even brought up my ex and apparently he became upset after I showed him my vacation pictures from last year in the 'on this day' feature on facebook. I showed him a picture of my ex to prove how I didn't have any pictures of myself on this vacation because my ex was a selfish asshole who didn't take any for me. That was the point.
Not that I "miss" my ex or "have feelings" for him. He got jealous because I showed him a picture of my ex. Nothing else. That's so fucking retarded, he even argued 'What kind of girlfriend shows a picture of her ex to her boyfriend?!" Uh, I didn't compliment my ex or reminisce, what on earth.

He kept texting accusing me and I kept repeating how I didn't have feelings and at that point I was getting mad because he kept saying shit like "I don't believe you, you still have feelings for him because I have a guy instinct!" and then he passively aggressively said "Text him goodnight!" and I shut it down. It was so fucking ridiculous. He was basically implying I'm a liar and acting petty over something absolutely inconsequential. MEANWHILE I've listened to HIS emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithful, and he claims he's so hung up on fidelity because he doesn't wanna go through it again. He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.

At the end of the texts he apologized and said he trusted me.
Despite what I said about him talking to me about problems when he feels they arise, I'm sensing he's probably going to pull this shit again and confront me about something irrelevant days later so I'll be caught offguard again.

No. 122991

>>122986
This sounds incredibly dumb on his part. Like he missed the whole my ex is an asshole who didn't take a single photo of me on our vacation and zoned in on the result: which was pictures of the ex exist

>He's totally projecting because he's the one with obvious feelings for his ex, yet instead of addressing his insecurities he's insinuating shit about me so he doesn't have to face his own emotions.


Looks like you're way ahead of him anon. This seems obvious, otherwise he's just a controlling troublemaker. I had a friend who would accuse me of sleeping with random mutual friends if I didn't respond to his message fast enough.

No. 123004

>>122986
New boyfriend? Good thing he's new - it's easier to dump him then.

No. 123006

>>122986
>emotionally-charged rants about his ex who I guess wasn't faithful
Now you've seen his definition of unfaithful, you can't even believe him that his ex was unfaithful or wasn't just driven to give him something real to complain about kek
>>123004
This, if it was me I'd use this situation to make it clear that I'm not playing those games with him, but kick him immediately if he tries to ever bring it up again.

No. 123008

This is kind of silly, I guess, but how soon do you think is too soon to be making future plans with a partner?

I've only been with my boyfriend for four months but we've been discussing moving in together next year, talking about traveling together, etc. It all feels natural but I've always been very careful about jumping headfirst into relationships. I've dated other people but I haven't had feelings this strong before. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not overanalyze everything but I'm just surprised by how quickly we've gotten so close.

(I'll be 25 in a month and he's 27, if that gives some more context).

No. 123010

>>122936

not tryna excuse this, but ive had similar experience. we started having sex a lot more and it stopped entirely. if he's half-asleep and really horny, he's likely not thinking. it's almost an awake wet dream. just my exp tho, ymmv.

No. 123015

I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol

No. 123016

I have an odd one, this is borderline stupid questions general thread…my boyfriend says his friendships tend to be "romantic" ever since puberty. He is straight, but I believe it even applied to his best male friend, and that may have even made him wonder if he was into him. He wasn't, as far as we know, just was able to appreciate that he was a good-looking guy. He tends to have a lot of female friends so idk if that is just the issue, but I also think there's not a lot of portrayal of platonic love between men that doesn't involve macho bullshit or familial bonds, or of platonic love between women and men other than in families, and so maybe he just doesn't have a reference point.
It's been really upsetting me because he says he can't tell between the two, but obviously he knows there's a massive difference between how he feels about me and his friends. At the same time, it seems like he sees some physical contact as ok that I wouldn't find appropriate unless I were single or absolutely sure my friend wasn't into me at all romantically/sexually, and some of it even then I'd have boundaries about. E.g., he thought it was sad that I would only let my friend lie on me and fall asleep if she/he were upset or unwell. If it were close enough to be familial, I might be more lenient too, like if we had been purely platonic friends since childhood or for decades. I would be more likely to let a friend just fall asleep on my shoulder if they were really tired. Maybe I'm just less touchy, but I think that my boundaries for what is and isn't appropriate between friends, especially with male/female, is really normal. He also said he doesn't know what the big difference is between taking a friend to a movie or to dinner one-on-one and taking a date…He told me as well that it takes a lot more than maybe the average for him to consider a friend a friend, like he has to trust them quite a bit. He also feels that when one of his friends is touchy with him, it means a lot, because she is rarely that way with anyone so it means she feels comfortable (she has zero feelings for him, I'm almost absolutely sure of this, and has said she sees him like a brother, even messes with him the same way siblings do.) To me, that sounds a lot like familial love.
Which brings up another problem: he says he hasn't really felt familial love or affection from his family like that since he was a child. His younger brother gets/got more than he does. So I'm starting to think that maybe he is just feeling intense platonic affection, but he's so not used to feeling it that he associates it with "romance" or maybe has some weird definition of "romantic". The line to me is so blurry and hard to define that I don't know how to put it into words, but I know I'm definitely not "romantic" with my friends even if it approaches that in one way or another. It's "romantic" only in the idealization of the bond, the excitement of a new friendship, the closeness, etc. But it feels much distinctive from a romance. It's almost how someone could describe a new or strong romance, but purely platonic. I experienced it many times with people I wasn't attracted to sexually or romantically, and it has confused me because it has the other hallmarks, but when I would sit down and consider it, I had zero feelings other than platonic ones, it was just an unusually intense platonic relationship. I do have friends I'm close enough to that I would give a kidney to, but I wouldn't go to the same extent as I would for partner unless they were basically family to me.
I just told him I feel differently about him than I do about any of my friends, regardless of how emotionally intimate we are. I do love my friends, but in a different way. I think he gets what I mean, but said he liked me romantically "the most" which rather understandably makes me feel very cucked/hurt/anxious to hear. He wouldn't ignore me for a friend, he would do a lot for a friend he cares about, but he wouldn't move countries for a friend. In fact, he wouldn't move countries for _anyone_ except me, he said. So there's obviously some sort of difference between the love he has for friends and for me.
How do I explain the difference to him and tell him that he's weird and my boundaries are completely normal? Personally I think they also stop weird or jealous feelings from forming. I want to have some things only for each other and I don't feel deprived or depriving of others for keeping some things off-limits or rare. For "romantic"/"romance", I think it's a lot like what that judge said about obscenity: it's hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. So that's kind of useless and since he's autistic I think it's part of the problem lol
In the end iirc I told him (for my sake as well as his) that I don't think it really matters what word he uses to describe friendships to me or what "platonic" vs "romantic" means in that context as long as his friendships don't become inappropriate or make me feel jealous and not special to him, or cause him distress. I might send him to our close mutual guy friend and see what he has to say on the topic, too.

No. 123017

>>123015
goddamnit I posted this thinking the other one didn't go through, I would've added an addendum otherwise. ignore the one before it

No. 123019

>>123010
>>123010
yeah from my experience it doesn't always mean the person is really trying to have sex or aware of what they're doing. my bf feels me up but sometimes isn't even trying to get me to have sex, just wants to touch me. it's up to you to decide why he did what he did and act according to your morals and boundaries, good luck!
>>123008
I've discussed future plans with partners pretty early on if I felt like I had strong feelings. the timeline is on you guys, not anyone else. just be careful about making any surefire decisions this early in the relationship, in case it is just from the excitement of it being new.

No. 123022

I guess this is probably the best place to post this: can someone tell me if I'm the asshole in this situation?

I moved overseas with my partner several years ago and haven't seen my family since except when I went home to visit. They are visiting here for the first time next spring. Since it'll probably be the last time our families will be together for awhile (if ever again, because the trip is very hard on my dad who has heart problems) we decided that we would have a small wedding celebration. We've been engaged for awhile and wanting to do the ceremony soon and this seems like the perfect time, both of our families are excited for it.

Except my partner's sister. She had also been planning a wedding for spring, but dumped her fiance this summer. Their breakup wasn't super dramatic or tearful, she just wanted to focus on her career while it's in an upswing instead (perfectly valid) and broke up with him. There was no crying or hysterics (contrast to when her last bf dumped her and she was a wreck for weeks). But now she's upset about it being the same month as her aborted ceremony was going to be. She's usually pretty cool and I like her a lot, but she has a childish streak and is prone to crying tantrums when she doesn't get her way - like she's doing now.

Am I shitty for thinking she needs to grow up? I would empathize if her heart had been broken by her fiance and she was still super raw about it, but it wasn't the case at all. The date of the ceremony isn't intentional, it's just when my parents will be here. Am I being a selfish or is it her?

No. 123023

>>123022
On what planet are people obligated to put their weddings on hold just because someone they know had an engagement broken? She's the asshole for even entertaining the idea of complaining, it's the sort of situation in which even a genuinely devastated person should really just suffer in silence because their life isn't someone else's responsibility.

No. 123027

>>123022
I could understand if you guys had decided on a whim to stage your wedding at the same time as hers for no reason - MAYBE I could. But if you're doing it for convenience and having your family together, especially your sickly dad, and not out of some weird perceived maliciousness on her end, then she should get over it. Breaking up sucks even when you want to but ultimately she made the choice to cancel her wedding. Hope she gets over herself soon.

No. 123030

>>123008
I don't think there's any set time, it's all unique for each couple. If it feels natural for you, try to not overthink it. With that being said, I'd avoid getting into anything committal or responsible with him to start, like living together - or purchasing a pet together, and instead start small like a week holiday. You learn a lot about your compatibility that way.

No. 123033

How can you tell if you‘re being reasonable in expectations when you‘re a jealous and anxious person?

So I have this standard in my relationship, which is…if someone invites me to some social thing like a party or wedding but my bf would be not welcome, then I probably wouldn‘t go. I wouldn‘t want to because it‘d feel like abandoning my partner. Otherwise I‘d ask my partner if it‘s OK, then go and not go accordingly. We come as a team so I‘d see being like "ok cya" would be shitty.

This issue has come up, and he‘ll be going on a 4 day holiday where I‘m not welcome. It‘s more of a coworkers thing, but not actual work/business trip (which would be fine). Huge argument because he sees nothing wrong with it, and thinks that I‘m being controlling. By the end of it I said I would never forbid him, but I ask him to respect the standards important to me.

Also, he wants to go to some sporty activity I can‘t really do at the weekend that‘d take all day, the weekend before he goes on said holiday. So I told him I thought we‘d spend that weekend together since he‘ll be going, plus he never does or suggests sporty things he likes despite me in the past saying we should, so I found it unfair. I said he should go now because despite agreeing that it‘d take a big chunk of time and he‘d be going on holiday with them anyway, he‘s used it as ammo in arguments since.

Thing is, when I had bad anxiety (we just moved to a new country and I was totally isolated, financially dependent and didn‘t speak the language) I begged him not to go for a week to another country, leaving me alone. Since he agreed to that I‘ve been working on myself and I think I‘ve made improvement. I think that was an unreasonable request, but he‘s held it over my head as an example of how controlling I am since, he‘s brought it up to this holiday thing and the weekend activity, and no matter how I argue the principle/reason is different, he puts it on the same level.

I‘ll be getting therapy for my jealousy, anxiety and insecurity, but I do try to evaluate things more objectively. But when he comes out with "you‘re being controlling, this is just like that time you didn‘t want me to go to business trip" then…who am I to argue that? It‘s just between the two of us, and these kinds of issues haven‘t come up with long term partners before and I don‘t know what‘s reasonable to expect. I wish there was some handbook or guide which said when it‘s OK to draw the line and when you‘re being unreasonable.

No. 123037

>>123033
Haven't read the whole thing but while it's somewhat true that you come as a team, both of you are still individual people with individual lives, hobbies, jobs, interests etc. You're not one person and you should not become one. I do think it's unreasonable of you to expect him not to go on that work trip/holiday thing. You're denying him a positive experience, his own thing, something that's part of his individual life. It's healthy for couples to spend time apart and to have their own things going on to a certain degree.

No. 123038

>>123022
I think considering your situation (living overseas, the condition of your father and the unlikelihood for your two families to be together again at least any time soon) makes your partner's sister the asshole to expect of you to postpone the wedding celebration

No. 123039

>>123037
Thanks for the reply. We‘re both very solitary people, and it was established by both of us at the start that we need alone time, we have individual hobbies going on and stuff.

What I‘m having difficulty with is…if the situations were reversed, people asked me to go on holiday but my bf wasn‘t welcome…there‘s no way I wouldn‘t think about what HE thought of the situation. What bothers me is that there‘s no consideration from him in that context. It was more that "I want to go, so I want to go and damned what you think of it". I think a proper thing to say would be like "hey so and so wants to go on holiday for a few days, just coworkers and it sounds cool, since you can‘t really go would I wanted to ask if it be OK if I did?".

You‘re right that it‘d be denying him a positive experience, but I feel like when you‘re in a relationship your mindset has to change a bit to encompass your partner too. That you sort of take it upon yourself to place reasonable restrictions.

No. 123053

>>123039
NTA, that's tough but that's just a matter of character. I relate more to your bf in this because I'm like him. As two individual adults, I believe I shouldn't be asking permission to do something that isn't violating our agreed upon monogamy. Considering not going on vacation because my partner is insecure would never be something I'd do. It's not my issue, it's theirs. Compromising on this would entertain their delusions that my love is so fleeting that I'll just cheat or something as soon as I'm away from their grasp. It's a strict matter of principle for me, personally. Restrictions based on insecurity aren't permissible to me. That being said I would never even date a jealous person in the first place. Not sure why he even started with you when he is so opposed to restricting himself for the sake of a jealous partner.

Not sure about the sports event thing, sorry.

The bringing shit up in arguments sounds unfair to me as well, but it sounds like you've perhaps been controlling in ways you aren't aware and it's built up to the point where he's getting so resentful he'll make unfair arguments. You weren't being too clingy for needing him around for that week you were new in the country you moved to, but I'm guessing he wouldn't have needed you to stay around for him if he were in your position and he sees an issue with that. I think his problem is with your character, and I don't really see how that can change.

Tbh seems you two aren't very compatible bc you see boundaries completely differently. He's particularly independent and that's in direct opposition to your co-dependence. Some people enjoy clingy partners, some don't.

No. 123073

File: 1568062060409.jpg (9.88 KB, 320x180, alone.jpg)

I desperately need help and advice with this

I'm currently going through what feels like the most difficult breakup of my life. Possibly because of the circumstances.

TLDR; met cute/seemed nice guy, moved in with him, together one year total, find out he is a drug addict slowly (we never participated in drugs or anything together previous to this, which is why I say "slowly". He later confessed to me that he has on/off issues for years now) and suddenly I am constantly having to make sure he is alive/not trying to suicide. I felt so caged and trapped, couldn't leave or do anything besides work due to how much I felt like I had to do for him essentially (some examples, finding him a job, helping him sign up for classes, getting him out of debt, teaching him basic life skills, stuff that I know is not my responsibility but I was so scared he would die without my babying so I felt almost hostage to doing all of these things since we also shared a space)

Finally was able to move out and am now trying to bring a complete end to this relationship. It has brought nothing but harm. He is now full blown on drugs and being crazy and it's hard for me to distance myself even though I know it must be the right thing. I sit alone in my flat all day and I just feel so depressed. I'm also currently dealing with a close loved one dying in the next month or so as well as full time job and part time school. I know there is a HUGE element of co-dependency here maybe, even though it was a horrible relationship I still long for him to hold me sometimes. I feel so fucked up for even admitting to that because he is so disgusting but I still feel alone now

any advice/tips? I know it probably sounds silly but I have been in abusive relationships in the past (including with family early on) so I am trying to break this cycle. I want to get away from him emotionally AND physically and be ok. I want to graduate and move on with my life without this burden



also TLDR; list of horrible things he has done. Maybe just writing this helps me stay strong.

>"cheated" on me with underage teens online (I don't fault the teen really, he is a predator in his mid 20's)

>used drugs continuously under my roof
>stole my personal belongings multiple times
>would sneak off to use drugs when I would be working, when I come home from work he is a mess
>police had to get involved multiple times when he would get violent (with himself, still scary because I had to "step in")
>always lies about everything. even the stupidest, smallest shit
>would pay for expensive thot porn when he technically owes me (and other people too)thousands of dollars
>constantly would break my things of value or throw them away when he is on drugs
>threatened me that the cops would kill me and him if I called them
>had creepy DDLG kink he wanted me to constantly participate in (degenerate)

No. 123074

>>123073

First: good on you for getting out of that situation, it must have been, and still is, awful. That's a big step towards independence and letting go of someone who has been draining you mentally.

I think you should definitely seek out counselling/therapy if you already haven't. Your life has a lot going on at the moment (I'm very sorry about your loved one) and it would be essential to let those feelings out and process them properly, especially when you've had a long history of abuse and want to break the cycle. It's a long process but it's so worth it, and it truly does help. I've been in a similar situation, not involving drugs tho, and one of the hardest things to learn is that not everyone can be saved and it's not your responsibility to help in everything if the help is constantly turned down or nothing is learned.
Do you have friends or loved ones you can turn to? I can't emphasize enough the importance of talking about the things you've experienced with someone you trust.

It's also natural to miss the good times and the intimacy, don't be ashamed. It will pass as any lingering feelings for him will fade over time.

I wish you the best, anon. You seem very responsible and caring, and it's sad your ex used your kindness in such a nasty way. You're not alone and I hope everything will turn out well for you!

No. 123076

Reposting my question from the last thread since it maxed out before anyone could've replied, with some additions…
Does anyone know how to help or deal with relationship and/or sex OCD? I think my partner has it and combined with his other problems (impulse control/addictive tendencies/general anxiety/sperglord) it's fucking us up. He really loves me, but the doubts are making him hurt me and himself and digging himself deeper. I don't think he'd actually be happy doing most of the stuff he worries about and the worries are probably wrong. But it's hard for me because some of it sounds like it could be true and isn't just OCD, and I end up feeding right into it by being mean and hurt and believing it or digging up stuff, I feel horrible about myself and about how he could and has hurt me and it's hard not to show it. If he believes it he doesn't challenge the beliefs because he doesn't want to consider/deal with them and by telling him one of my anxieties today I managed to give him a new potential worry.
I see that CBT may be the best bet, so I'd like resources for a partner of someone with this, for the person dealing with it, worksheets/books, etc, anything that you think may help, or your own personal experience. LDR-specific may be useful too because that's a compounding factor (and it's fucked because this is making it harder to move in.)
The stress from believing this stuff and his fuckups is giving me severe depression/anxiety compounded by my family issues and I just want it to end before I fuck my life up more.

No. 123082

>>123022
She broke up with him. She doesn't own the month. Go ahead and have your wedding as planned. It's also good to set a precedent now that you won't capitulate to her unreasonable demands.

No. 123143

>>123076
What is he doing with the sex? Can give give an example i don’t understand your post

No. 123170

>>123022
Oh I love these.

You are not the asshole at ALL. Sisters in law like making shit about themselves for some reason so I hope your partner has the rationality to draw some boundaries. Some dudes side with their sisters bc she cried or pulled his strings with some other emotional manipulation tool. Hope your guy isn't like that bc that becomes so unbearable later down the line.

She doesn't have to show up to the wedding if she doesn't want to but her whining is uncalled for. Like you said, her breakup wasn't really a hard one and she's doing this to herself. She's choosing to make this an issue.

No. 123174

>>123076
you wrote a decent lenght post and yet it's impossible to deduce what is actually the problem here. "Doubts"? If he's constantly worrying and asking for reassurance, yeah, it can be a symptom of OCD. What you can do is drag his ass to therapy. OCD isn't really something you can "deal with" on your own. In most cases, you need medication.
But you have to be more specific if you need advice, because your post is too chaotic.

No. 123178

File: 1568199784237.jpg (53.24 KB, 564x679, 1527445816014.jpg)

I feel like I‘m just noticing a disturbing trend with my bf. I feel like he feeds off of my negative emotion, I don‘t know how to describe it. I‘m heavily dependent on him at the moment, looking for a job since moving to a new country with him.

So we‘re usually good together. I‘m the type that likes to confront things head on as they arise and am quite passionate about it, and he likes to avoid talking about things that bother him. Anyway, when I‘m trying to point out things wrong he‘ll try find something to turn the accusation back on me and I just HAVE to try make him see my point of view that he keeps minimizing, our poor communication styles can lead to these long, drawn out argumentative periods where we‘re both just fucking sad. Sometimes I can blow up on him and tell him to stop with the fucking power plays and playing victim and just listen to what I‘m saying. It‘s a bad pattern but we have different ways of dealing with it, and I want to get counseling to channel it in a more healthy way because we just kind of bounce off each other when we disagree until we‘re tired and it can take days to come to a proper resolution.

Anyway, sometimes I‘ll just become exhausted and I‘ll stop being passionate about it. After reconciliation he can say something incendiary (for example "oh I might <do thing> because I don‘t really care about <whatever topic we‘ve been arguing about that‘s important to me>") and I‘m just like "that‘s fucked to say considering how much we‘ve talked about it, but that‘s the way it is, you do you".

BUT, when I do this and just sort of maintain not bothering…the 2-4 times this has happened, EVERY time he says we should break up. And he‘ll say he doesn't love me, and due to problems. But these problems? He hasn't brought up. I mean they‘re valid issues, but he doesn't express them until it‘s "too late" and he sits there expressionless and maintains this until I‘m crying pretty bad, headache and all that when I‘m trying to tell him it‘s a problem easily resolved. Eventually he says "OK, that‘s a reasonable solution" and we‘re back on. But it absolutely wrecks me for at least a day, I‘m fucking numb from it. He tells me he does love me and tries to make me feel better.

But see, when he initially says he wants to break up, I‘m pretty calm about it (probably my panic mode) and I try to discuss the logical reasons. And he‘ll say things that are so cold…and just maintain throwing those things in until I‘m sobbing.

I don‘t know if it‘s deliberate. Is he just so poor at communication that he thinks the best thing to do is hold in your problems until breaking point then blow up and see if I can save it, or is it a more calculated behaviour? I don‘t get it but it‘s harmful af to my mental health and I always feel like I need to be so careful after to not repeat the things he has a problem with, in case he goes straight to "you‘re not changing any, let‘s break up".

No. 123185

>>123178
This is going to sound really harsh ….. But I think he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward to actually go through with it. He is waiting for that day when you agree so he doesn't have to feel like a bad guy.

But if I give him the benefit of the doubt, it's possible his personal problems are causing him lack of love and energy, and maybe everything will work out when he has fixed them.

No. 123190

>>123178
He's immature at best or doesn't love you at worst.
I would not feel loved in a relationship where if I brought up an issue that I felt passionate about, that breaking up would be held over my head while I'm jobless and in a foreign country. He's absolutely power playing you, and he's mean.

No. 123201

>>123178
Find a job and move, it could help in the long run to give him space to grow up since he’s acting like a child

No. 123204

>>123201
What this anon said.

I'm in a similar situation but I'm more like your bf in this case. We love each other so we are moving apart for a while to see if space is what we need.

No. 123255

I'm considering breaking up with my boyfriend.
We are in our late 20s, we've been together for 5 years and we still love each other a lot but lately he's been bothering me with baby talk.
I stated clearly in our first dates that I will never be a mother. I am not mentally stable and pregnancy, giving birth, and everything that comes after frightens me. I don't care my bloodline will die with me, it's not like I am some genius who needs to contribute to the gene pool.
He was cool with it then but lately I feel like he's trying to push it and testing the waters to see if I changed my mind.
I already told him to start looking for another girl if he wants a baby but he answered he doesn't want any…yet. I'm afraid he will dump me after we hit our mid-thirties and I will be unable to find someone else. I'd rather end it now so we can both settle with what we want and have no trouble because of age.

No. 123258

>>123255
If you don't want babies you shouldn't worry about aging out of dating.

No. 123259

>>123258
I believe she means trouble with age in terms of having children (which applies both to men and women). You have to have a serious talk with him. If he does want children, it's not fair to continue the relationship. He should be with someone who shares the same wants for the future, as should you.

No. 123260

>>123258
what >>123259 said plus I still don't want to spend my life alone. Decent men who want no children are impossible to find.

No. 123274

What do you guys think about introvert & extrovert in a relationship? Maybe you can say something from your own experience?

Well, I'm introverted and shy, and the guy I'm talking with is an outgoing extrovert. In his opinion, he's an ambivert but nah. He does have a "calmer" side that we bonded over… but I've only ever heard of it, never seen it actually. He's constantly out with friends, partying, drinking, being spontaneous, he just got back from an abroad trip and in few days he's going somewhere again. Honestly, I'm tired just hearing about his antics, like I legit get secondhand social energy drainage.

I don't really see it working out between us. I just won't be able to catch up with him, and I can see him getting bored with me because of it.
(And he's out drinking too often for my liking.)

But maybe I'm pessimistic? I can see the good sides, like the introvert getting out and experiencing more and the extrovert engaging in something stable and genuine.

They say opposites attract, yet I'm realizing now that every couple I know has a very similar social energy.

No. 123275

>>123274
It can work if one party is an introvert and the other is somewhat of an extrovert but partying, travel and drinking all the time is not extraversion, it's behaving irresponsibly and childishly.

No. 123277

>>123274
Introvert and extrovert can work if both sides learn from each other and find a balance.
Anyways, when you're together with someone you have to sacrifice your partying and traveling regardless, but he sounds like he's too much into it to walk towards your needs. It might be good and healthy for you if you find someone who's extravert, but him seems just too much everything and a major redflag who can't commit.

No. 123282

>>123274
A little extroverted is fine, but a guy who goes partying and drinking a lot is not boyfriend material.

No. 123283

>>123274
this can work if both people are willing to compromise (staying in on some weekends or you going out once in awhile) but if it's his constant partying and drinking that's worrying you, that's a legitimate concern

No. 123285

I met a guy at a specialty shop that I work at that I like a lot. I flirted with him for a while and he asked for my number, etc. We talked a bit more and then he had to leave so I could talk to the customers that had just come in. We went out the next day to a bar, and only talked for about two hours while with two of his friends (which I happened to already know), so it wasn't terribly personal. We were supposed to have got there hours earlier but there was a horrible storm that rolled in off the mountains that made it unsafe to drive.

Now a week later he has invited me to go to a barbecue with his group up in the mountains about an hour and a half away (normal for this particular area and social circle), and said he would 'see if I could spend the night.'

First off, I have no idea where I would even be staying, and I really don't know if I'm comfortable sleeping with this guy on a second date. I have never had a one night stand or anything like that, and have never casually dated. Only been in one long-term relationship, and we met online, we never went on an actual 'date' before we moved in together. Never had sex with anyone else. But, that relationship was horribly abusive and I definitely do not want to replicate that. I am generally really uncomfortable around sex due to body anxiety and can only get into it when I am drunk.

I don't know if I should go with it or not. On one hand I want to simply say that I'm not comfortable spending the night; I could probably just go to the event and then drive back later. But I'm also somewhat intrigued and would have a lot of fun at this event, and since I would definitely get drunk if I don't need to drive, could almost definitely enjoy having sex like that anxiety-free. I also would love to start embracing myself more and dating casually, even if things don't work out with this guy. But I also am uncomfortable with my body and have some self-harm scars on my upper thighs (hidden except in underwear) that I obviously haven't revealed to this guy yet considering we met last week, and I'm anxious about confronting that…

I haven't texted him back yet because I don't know which route I want to go. Pls help.

No. 123286

>>123285
Is there a way you could lightly/jokingly ask about the sleeping arrangements to see where his head is at? It’s really far away to put yourself in a situation you might not be comfortable in.

No. 123287

>>123286
The distance is actually normal for this type of thing, the town this event is going to be in is a regular hangout for a lot of people here. I've actually been there a few times myself, that's where I met this guy's friends. This guy was there those times too, apparently, but we didn't interact at that point.

A common first date here is 'you get on the back of my motorcycle and we'll go into the mountains and hang out at (x) bar.' In this case, I wouldn't be riding with him, I would just drive over in my car when I get off of work, which alleviates a lot of anxiety about it, since I can leave whenever I want, as long as I don't have a lot to drink.

I'll text him something like what you said tomorrow morning. First I think I will jokingly ask about where exactly this staying overnight would take place. Depending on what he says I will either agree (if there genuinely seem to be no expectations), or straight out say I'm not sure I'm comfortable staying over and would prefer to just drive back later at night. If he reacts negatively then that's just an early red flag to never speak to him again.

Thanks for responding, I have a really hard time with things like this.

No. 123294

>>123287
Anon the plan of drinking and then sleeping over in a strange house sets off alarm bells. I get your thoughts of it being fun and wanting to be adventurous but hours away from home, drunk, with a guy you've had one previous two hour long date with… Girl set higher standards for yourself

And getting drunk for your first time fucking someone might ease your nerves but that's such an unhealthy way of experiencing sex and leaves you really open to being coerced

If he's expecting you to be in the same bed then the red flags are already there girl

No. 123296

I've woken up feeling irritated at my boyfriend. Im annoyed I can't have a normal sexual relationship with him for whatever reason he has (anxiety?). I want to fuck, and I want to be intimate and share the experience with him. If I want him to do anything remotely sexual to me, I have to wait until past 9pm and then its like a chore for him.
Im a virgin and we've been together for 2 years and I love him but it's so annoying. It pisses me off that I found this almost perfect guy and then our sexual incompatibility is just horrendous. He says he loves me, loves my body, he doesn't watch porn frequently (like once a month, usually when im at work) and refuses the idea that he's asexual. I just want a reason, a good reason why im not good enough to turn him on, we’re both young and I don’t understand it. I've tried everything even stepping out of my own comfort zone, getting fit by going to the gym, trying stuff I read online, wanting to try his kinks etc.He critiqued it at one point saying like "oh well putting on black underwear isn't enough". I bought lingerie and spent time making myself look better to try and ignite something in him and apparently, it's not good enough? But nothing else is either!?
I’ve spoken to him as honestly and openly as possible and it goes nowhere, I’ve cried to him, begged him to tell me what’s wrong and I just get” I don’t know”. He is going to therapy but not trying to do what the therapist suggests.
I know all I could do is wait for him or break up and both hurt equally. A part of myself is thinking to just try one more year and if nothing improves then I’ll have to leave him, but I feel horrible holding this thought whilst I live with him and tell him I love him. I just need some support because I can’t tell anyone about this in person.

No. 123297

>>123296

If you are a virgin while dating and living with someone for 2 years, he is definitely asexual. I'm a bit worried about when you go to get a new boyfriend, most guys are extremely rapey, while you have internalized these ideas of not being "good enough," most guys will be all over you like a rash at the first opportunity, then ghost/dump you. Please be careful with other guys, what he is doing is definitely not normal. I understand your frustration, if he wasn't totally asexual it seems like there would be no problems in the relationship.

No. 123298

File: 1568368532655.jpg (21.2 KB, 540x388, c1a8148334d64c32030da94213926a…)

>>123275
>>123277
>>123282
>>123283
Thanks, that really helped me! I guess I subconsciously decribed his behaviour as extroverted to excuse it for myself, while in reality he's acting quite childish and like a dog set off the leash.

I guess I'll need to be more assertive if anything develops between us. Because I have 0 love experience I'm not really sure what I can expect and demand. So it's reassuring to see I'm not being unreasonable and it's okay to ask him to tone it down. Again, thanks.

No. 123299

>>123297
thank you, that's what I think about quite frequently. I am obviously extremely happy he doesn't view me as a sexual object 24/7. He really does value me and see me as a person and I agree, if this wasn't an issue the relationship would be perfect I think.

No. 123300

>>123299
You need to decide how important sexual satisfaction is to you, if it is very important then you are within your rights to move on and find someone more compatible

We get so many women on here posting about being asexual and having highly sexed bfs so if he is asexual he might not have great difficulty finding a woman with a low or non existent drive.

You both deserve to feel content and sexually compatible with someone

No. 123304

>>123296
He’s gay or asexual or has severe Madonna whore complex. See if he’ll be okay with you getting a boy toy lol

No. 123305

>>123185
>>123190
>>123201

Thanks for replying, my aim is to find a job asap because I don‘t like being this vulnerable. I‘m not sure if it was implied in my main post, but I meant he ONLY tries to initiate a breakup when I become detached and weary. Not during a heated argument or when he really disagrees with something. Only when I‘m like "whatever" instead of getting in his face about it.

After this time more evidence (I think) is pointing to him trying to get a reaction out of me.
This time it really affected me. He was persistent (until I was very upset) and said long term damaging things. But the evening and days afterwards, he said the opposite to most of those statements. Now from what I know of him he‘s not the type to lie, if it‘s an unpleasant truth he just won‘t bring it up. And right after the scary prospect of breaking up I don‘t want to question him on why he‘s saying he loves me now when he was saying he didn‘t a few hours ago.

He‘s fully back to acting the way he did beforehand, and seemed almost irritated I wasn‘t just plain relieved and happy we‘re still together like I usually am. But to me what he said had me questioning EVERYTHING and where I and the relationship stood. Breaking up is constantly on my mind and if I offhandedly mention it he gets upset and quiet, saying "why'd you have to bring it up?" and that he wasn‘t thinking about it. How could he not be thinking about it?! I bring up questions regarding logistics of therapy (a caveat to staying together), and he‘s less than interested about the details. This guy who was so insistent that these problems are relationship ending, who said that therapy is an absolute must to continue is now…it feels like he‘s trying to brush it completely under the rug again? If he wanted to break up, wouldn‘t he acknowledge the faults and problems brought up afterwards? Instead of being like "ah it‘s OK" when I ask him what‘s to be done better?

I think at best it‘s immaturity, at worst cruelty. But maybe it is something I‘m overlooking. He‘s never been in a serious relationship before (either romantic or platonic) so I feel like there‘s no baseline for him in what‘s an acceptable way to act. But I sure hope it‘s not him deliberately upsetting me.

No. 123320

Is there anyone here who got married very young and then started to deeply regret it much later? I don't even want to cheat, though I have met a very interesting person and have started exploring parts of my sexuality I never knew existed. I was pretty asexual when I got married.

I want a divorce but I'm being emotionally blackmailed to stay married. We don't have kids, but it will destroy my husband's career. He's in seminary.

I don't know why I made such terrible choices years ago. All the red flags with my husband were there. He can be very cold and controlling. Separated me from my family. Berated me and even violated me a few times. Judges my wardrobe and the few friends I have. He doesn't take care of himself physically at all. He's got high blood pressure, borderline diabetes and is obese in his early thirties. I feel guilty listing his flaws because I have flaws too.

Is emotional blackmail a thing? He knows I have a problem with guilt. If I finish something even a little late for work, I'm wracked with guilt. I don't think my beliefs align with his anymore and he knows it but disapproves, of course. He wants kids but the thought makes me nauseous. We talked before marriage and agreed that we didn't really want kids. Then suddenly he has some kid epiphany and wants one. I hate being on hormones but got on BC to protect my sanity. But he's so fat we don't really have sex anyway.

Obviously I should just get a divorce but how do I live with myself afterwards?

No. 123321

>>123320
Happily. You live happily with yourself afterwards, anon.

No. 123323

>>123320
Your second paragraph starts with 'I want a divorce' and that says it all really.

Maybe he'll emotionally blackmail you or fight dirty but he can't hold you hostage in a marriage you don't want. Might aswell rip the bandaid off and deal with the inevitable tantrum now rather than later

I've been with a controlling man who called all the shots and the weight that was lifted after leaving was immense

No. 123337

>>123320
Better divorce now than later. Honestly and unironically yolo, even if you are a hardcore christian, you still only have one human life on this planet and you should not spend it being some neglected and miserable 18th century clergy wife, so many women before fought so you wouldn't have to. You are literally wasting your time with him for his sake when evidently he does not care to extend the same effort to you.

No. 123338

>>123320
He agreed to no kids then changed his mind. He is emotionally abusive. You owe him nothing.

No. 123341

>>123320
>fat unhealthy clergyman who doesn't consummate his own marriage controls and berates you wants to also saddle you with his kids he told you he never wanted to have

Run away anon and live your life.
Let him figure out his own path between him and his God.

No. 123361

File: 1568414180700.jpg (55.99 KB, 1300x650, screen-shot-2017-03-13-at-7011…)

"if you've got something good, don't let go of it"
How true is this?
I really love my boyfriend of 2 years. I find him attractive and we have a pretty good sex life. He treats me with love, even to the point of pampering me, but is still respectful of my desire to not feel tied down. He's been a near-perfect partner, on paper.
Some cons: he's white and can barely talk about race/gender issues besides nodding his head to whatever I say, which bores me. I don't expect him to have the same hobbies/fixations as me, but he has almost nothing of value to say about art/culture. He's not as proactive with stuff like cooking and cleaning.
The main thing is, I just feel bored… this is the longest and most stable relationship I've ever been in, by far.
I get infatuated with people easily, and the crushes always pass, but I feel guilty. Sometimes I even go on random dating apps/sites to look around and chat with random people (not sexting, just small talk, I always ghost). it kind of feels like window shopping.
It feels wrong and I feel really guilty because I feel like I'm REALLY toeing the line of emotionally cheating… but I know I would never cross the line into actually leading someone on or physically cheating. But like, have I already ruined the integrity of the relationship? My boyfriend has never hurt me. Am I on the path of ruining something good? If I break up with my boyfriend in search of a more invigorating relationship, am I just going to end up with another abusive guy again?
Many things to ponder, I have

No. 123365

>>123361
Lol, don't lie and say you love him. Just because you feel like you should, but doesn't mean you actually do. You wouldn't be looking at other options if you did, and you would talk about your problems with him instead. You should just leave and find someone who excites you. The reason you are feeling guilty is bc you know he should be with someone who loves him and not someone who is trying to maintain the status quo.

No. 123370

Bf tried to break up with me on the phone because of his chronic depression and our lack of infatuation/intimacy lately. I told him I'd try to improve our relationship and that I'll romance him. He said he doesn't want to hurt me and that he'll try but he doesn't know how it can get better.

I told him there's more options to try for his depression. He's tried therapy a few times, sobriety, self medication, real depression medication, ect. He feels hopeless. I told him there's more to try and that he shouldn't give up on himself.

He also expressed feeling slight jealousy about my best guy friend. We cried a lot but I assured him I never want him to feel that way and that he can tell me everything.

Overall, he told me we could try. How can I not mess this up? He is my literal soulmate, regardless of the details, I believe they can all be fixed. I just need to get that infatuation, or that flame going again.

No. 123371

>>123370
sounds like a typical uwu sensitive boy who just wants you to do all the emotional labor

you can't make him like you or fall for you anon, just let him go and see what happens

No. 123372

>>123370
that infatuation feeling isn't supposed to last forever its just a stage in a relationship. Loving someone doesn't mean that you always feel like that. Depressed people often chase that infatuation feeling like a drug and relationship hop but keep finding that it doesn't last and break up. He really needs therapy and to find that kind of warmth within himself because even if you do light the flame again it's going to go out if he doesn't put the work in. Don't drain yourself putting energy into him.

No. 123379

>>123371
I explained poorly, I think. He didn't exactly know if he wanted to break up. He said he wasn't sure a lot. But now he's being really lovey. He wanted to have a serious talk in person tomorrow and I was terrified it'd be a break up… but now he told me he wants to kiss me. He's currently about to send me a nude. I just feel very shocked at the shift.

No. 123380

>>123372
I totally see your point, and I will discuss how infatuation naturally fades when I see him in person tomorrow. He isn't really up for putting in a ton of work, you're right… but I still think we can focus on him fixing the depression before our relationship.

Without a doubt we have these shared feelings of being soulmates. We have kissed and it felt like magic for years. Now it's just kissing. I can't explain it but he completely understands and I think we can fix it. Towards eachother, we have felt in ways we've never felt with anyone else. Even though the infatuation has left, we still have these things, that he knows is there and also doesn't want to lose.

I guess this is why this is so hard and messy. I know it sounds awful to drain myself but I would absolutely try my best to make this relationship work because I don't want to love anyone else really. This relationship is so unique… ugh

No. 123381

>>123379
my point still stands, sounds like he just wants to make you a side hoe

No. 123408

>>123370
Regardless of mental health don't ever talk someone out of a break up once they start hinting at it, it only prolongs the death of the relationship

His complaint about a lack of infatuation is him saying 'fuck me more or we're breaking up' Then he sends you nudes afterwards lol, We have an uwu depresssed fuck-boy!

Don't waste your emotions on that shit

No. 123429

My best guy friend has a crush on me. He's a good friend but I would never date him, he's just not my type. I'm also moving away in less than a year and am committed to not dating.

Last night we got drunk and he held my hand, was touching my leg…and I didn't stop it because I was drunk but I seriously don't want anything to happen. He's a good guy who wants a serious relationship but I can't provide that. He's also a virgin and wants to lose it to the "one" but obviously that isn't going to be me unless he deludes himself further into thinking that we can be together.

I don't know what to do, I want to remain friends but I've told him that I'm not dating anyone for this year and that I'm moving away guaranteed. Does it sound like he's trying to date me? Any advice on what to do?

No. 123434

>>123361
But why are you bored? You're either very spoiled and being a bitch to your boyfriend or don't really love him and a bitch to your boyfriend. You'd better stop this behaviour, sort out your feelings before you go on on this emotional cheating to him.

>>123370
You sound very young, Anon. If he's really depressed, try to push him doing new stuff together and understand what you both really feel and if he's still in love with you, work on it. Love is not easy, and if it's the first serious relationship, it's not automatic you know how you feel when you're no more infatuated but still love the other person. Love is a living thing, it must change costantly and adapt on who you are in the moment. Talk a lot and try to decide if you want to go on on working on your relationship or letting go.

No. 123439

>>123429
This happened to me years ago except he pulled me aside and told me he was in love with me. I told him I couldn’t see him that way and it ruined our friendship but he got married a couple years later so I think it was better for him in the long run. Just don’t send mixed signals because it won’t save the friendship. You’re not obligated to see him romantically just because he sees you that way, but it won’t necessarily end well.

No. 123504

>>123429
>>123439
Update: he tried to come onto me while we were drunk… and this is a guy who's super chivalrous and wants a serious relationship yet he can't take no for an answer of why I don't want to date him. Men are fucking garbage.

No. 123509

>>123294
I did it tbh, it went really well. He was very respectful and open. I originally intended to drive back later, but we were getting along really well, so I broke out the vodka and we did end up having drunk sex. Now I'm no longer nervous about it at all and feel more comfortable seeing him in the future. All I needed was confirmation that he wasn't going to be repulsed by my body in an anxiety-free scenario. I get that it isn't the paragon of health, but it's what I wanted, and it went even better than I thought it would.

No. 123511

>>123361
How do you feel about exes who surf dating sites to talk to girls?

No. 123512

>>123511
they're an ex, who gives a fuck what they do

No. 123523

>>123511
None of my business what any of my exes do

No. 123524

>>123504
You don't need to provide men with a good reason or excuse for your lack of interest in dating them. I love when they pester you with "But why not?!?"

That's usually my cue to talk about how I'm sooo not attracted to them lol

No. 123535

If a guy came up and talked to me during the day at university do I have a chance with him?

I'm terribly inexperienced and social inept, so I can't even tell if he's interested. For larger reference, he sat across from me on the bus one day (and I stared because he's physically ideal to me) then a couple days later he saw me in the cafeteria and after hesitating just started chatting with me. It was a pleasant conversation and we exchanged social media. It was at my offer since he was wondering if I could help him with a class I took before (he's younger). I messaged first though and don't know if that's bad? He replies but I feel like I'm carrying the conversation, despite him carrying it more irl. Perhaps I read him talking to me as romantic when it wasn't? Although I have no idea why he would otherwise but people are an enigma to me.

Also: am I just fretting this too much when no man is worth it? Kek

No. 123536

figured i'd come forward and finally ask for some advice regarding this nonsense

i've been talking to this guy every day for eight months. we'll call him D. he's 25 and i'm 22. we're in love with eachother, call eachother pet names, tell eachother 'i love you', spend hours of our free time together, etc. the problem is that he lives across the country. this whole thing is very new for him and sort of new for me (i've had one "online" boyfriend before but we moved in together quickly and stayed together for 2 years). i really adore everything about him. he gets jealous when there's other men involved and vice versa. it's a relationship without the label.

the problem is that he's not interested in an official relationship right now, which is okay, but we've had an argument a few months ago where he told me that he wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to put a label on things. this hurt me and i stopped interacting until he'd said it was stupid that he said all that he did and that he's just not ready /yet/.

zoom to now. we're still on this "not dating but dating" thing. all of our friends know about it as he's started telling me he loves me in front of them. everyone thinks we need to meet and see if we vibe as people in person. i've brought it up and he's gotten really nervous about it. i did some FBI shenanigans and didn't find anything out of the ordinary or conspicuous. he's 'single' and doesn't interact with women in his daily life like he does me since when he gets back from work, we're talking or spending time together. there really isn't any evidence /at all/ to suggest anything with that. it genuinely just seems like he's emotionally stunted and afraid to commit. he keeps a barrier up because he's afraid of trusting people.

overall, i just want some advice regarding what i should do. i don't wanna pressure him or make him uncomfortable. i just want to know if putting forth an ultimatum is fair or unfair or i don't know.

No. 123537

how do i get over the fact that someone i poured my whole heart into for many, many, many years, and sacrificed so much for, and had so much hope for, literally does not care about me, has contempt for me and would not care if i died? not for good enough reason, imo. he will never change but i can't let go of the potential. that kills me. i see the relationship for its full potential and he only sees it negatively, always.

what bothers me is that i feel like he would care for me and love me if he knew me, but he doesn't, and won't ever know me because he doesn't want to get to know me. he assumes everything and completely shuts down all communication. when he does speak to me after ignoring me for days because he misses me, there is never any resolution. he refuses to resolve anything so he goes on holding onto issues that could be understood if he tried. he literally evades any attempt to address any issue. it's ineffably painful. i care so much for him and i know there's so much potential, but he wants to sabotage it because he misunderstands me.

No. 123547

>>123535
Definitely yes. He is the one who came up to you and it doesn't sound like either of you is trying too hard to keep conversations going.
Just ask him if he'd like to hang out/get some drinks sometime. His response will probably provide some clarification as to whether or not he's interested romantically and if you're still not sure the actual meeting will change that.

No. 123561

>>123537
how do you know he would care and love you if he knew you? what makes you think that is he doesn't even seemed bothered to put in the effort in the first place? you need to love yourself, anon. a guy who is constantly viewing your relationship with him in a negative life isn't worth your time. you need to cut your losses now.

No. 123563

>>123536
>all of our friends know about it as he's started telling me he loves me in front of them

Have you met this guy? Is telling you he loves you on his facetime calls or whatever?

You really need to meet in person ASAP. Spend a week together. All your questions will be answered.

No. 123572

>>123561
thanks for responding, anon. i appreciate it. because all of the things he values, i possess, he just can't see it because of a few things: we met when i was a teen and i was forced into acting like a "cool girl" after having been abused and beaten down by my ex for being a prude and just, you know how society encourages us to take any and all shit and appease everything, and my abusive dad is literally the biggest whore and honest to god sex addict, that i've ever seen. my fam refuses to let him use the same utensils or cups or towels as them, they're that sure he carries countless diseases. so, this really impacted the way i acted around men. (i wasn't a slut, just a cool girl – never shoe tier, but regarding speaking about sex, i was one). i met him when i was doing really poorly in terms of my mental health, finances, everything, like, my mom and i were on the verge of homelessness again, and i just generally tainted his view of me because i was not able to be myself around men, especially not when i was so vulnerable. this is the image he has of me still, essentially a 'cool girl' when the reality is so much different. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be so misunderstood and not seen, especially when you know this person would understand you and connect with you if they tried. i had admittedly lied about a few things to him because i knew he'd judge me harshly (he was a virgin, crazy jealous, hasty in assumptions and blowing up) and i cared about him so much and i knew he'd assume and i'd be misunderstood further. i felt like it was a very "damned if i do, damned if i don't" situation.

he misunderstands everything and most of our foundational experiences were built around a time in which i was being pretty heavily abused, and i always have been really dissociative both naturally thanks to trauma, and i was doing drugs or drinking almost all of the time, so i did things he hadn't approved of basically because when people guilted me when i was younger i'd cave for fear of being abused, but he thinks the way i spoke to people, how i felt, all of it was genuine. he read through my messages with other guys from when we weren't' dating (all guys i didn't have feelings for, and certain guys, when they'd pressure me, i'd tell them things they wanted to hear so they wouldn't call me a bitch for rejecting them or just abandon me during really vulnerable times) and he assumes still that i was attracted to these people when i really wasn't. he's almost 26 and has never gotten drunk, doesn't understand what it's like to be drunk or high on anything but weed, whereas most of my life i've spent trying to numb pain from abuse and i have done some regrettable things that he thinks were truly and honestly sexually motivated. if i had his life, i would've been exactly like him too, but i didn't, i suffered a lot and most of my life has been centered around mitigating and reducing abuse and the suffering i felt. he has no compassion for me because he thinks i'm a slut and a liar that WANTS to hurt him and enjoys hurting him. i didn't take him seriously when we first dated and i acted like a wacko because i had been nothing but abused and talked over and abandoned at that point, and he refuses to forgive me, he just thinks i'm a conniving asshole and a slut when he's so wrong. i would've never acted that way if i hadn't felt like other people would treat me better if i did, and i wouldn't have been so reactive if my entire life hadn't been abuse and abandonment and being told constantly by my whore dad that "all men cheat, men see sex like taking a shower, men lose interest and will cheat, that's normal and acceptable, sex is so important to men and relationships", and i am so jealous with literally the worst inability to control my emotions i've ever seen, so i really did act like a dismissive and reactive weirdo to him out of fear, etc. despite this, there's something really magical about our connection and he refuses to really see it. he seems to see it, but then he gets bogged down with just thinking negative stuff about me on a loop, that i'm untrustworthy and i don't love him, that i am a slut, whatever else negative he thinks. i know he doesn't care about me as he sees me, though, which i can't even blame him for, because he is not "seeing" me.

really sorry for the wall of text.

No. 123573

>>123547
Thanks anon, I'll ask tomorrow since I know he'll be there at the same window of time I have a class cancelled. He almost asked me to lunch today but I was already at home.
I guess I'm so unsure since I view obsessive clinginess as true interest, but I guess he might just be…healthy. Remarkable.

No. 123575

>>123572
Ntayrt but he seems like the wrong person to be with you, there has been too many lies involved. He won't hear from you, let him go and be sincere from the beginning next time. You don't need to lose yourself to him, love yourself more

No. 123578

Any advice leaving a codependent relationship when you’re basically the other person’s only support system and they’re always having some type of issues? Mine has a dysfunctional relationship with his abusive mother but she’s currently going through organ failure and basically there is no timeline on when she’ll get a transplant or how long she’ll live without one (could be weeks, could be years). I’m just so emotionally drained but I don’t understand how someone can come out of this situation not looking like a huge, insensitive asshole.

No. 123591

>>123572
it seems the magical connection you think you have is really one-sided. since you did act like a wacko when you two were originally together, you can’t blame him for not wanting to be with you, even if the reason you acted up was because of factors out of your hand. he doesn’t seem to be very understanding of your past traumas, and from what you’ve written it genuinely does come across as you pining over someone who isn’t right for you. i’d still say cut your losses, what is it about this guy that makes you want him so badly when he doesn’t understand you?

No. 123601

>>123536
Might be a case for MTV’s catfish lol. No, for real, you should meet him asap to see if this has a future or not. And also to see if this person is real or has any unpleasant secrets. A video call with him would be a good first step to verify that he is real. But even then, there is a possibility that he is only interested in online interaction and not in meeting/a relationship. Really only one way to find out. And please keep us updated!

No. 123614

>>123572
Honestly try to look into why exactly you like this guy, i‘m sure the reason isn‘t going to be pure love. Maybe he‘s the first romantic prospect to treat you nicely and not pressure you.

That said, he doesn‘t seem all that nice. It takes a real lack of empathy to not be sympathetic with someone who‘s gone abuse and sees their coping methods as just who they are. It‘s either a lack of empathy or complete disinterest. And if some day he‘s "convinced" you‘re not a conniving asshole and slut? Like those characteristics that are causing this isn‘t just a one off situation. That‘s him and that lack of empathy is going to come up over and over.

My guess is you see this as your ONE chance and nobody‘s ever going to get you like that, so you can‘t give up on him. I‘d really advise you do, you‘ll feel a freedom in voluntarily letting something bad like this go. I can say youll find someone else eventually, but that‘s not the point. Don‘t waste your time on this person who doesn‘t care to see you for you.

No. 123618

>>123563
>>123601

no, never any facetime - just selfies. i know it's him (this is mean to say) because he's a pretty plain/average looking guy who's pretty chubby. it doesn't really matter to me because his personality is incredible. he keeps up well and that's all that matters to me.

i brought it up and he said it'd be cool to get some dinner and talk. that's good news! however, my friend told me to be wary as he fears that if i fly down there, it'll go one of two ways: either we don't click and it ruins our friendgroup/interactions or we click way too well and we nosedive into something we're not ready for just yet.

thanks for the responses! i don't know how soon i'll be able to manage a flight across the country but more than anything i just hope he and i vibe as people.

No. 123689

I‘ve always left details out of posts for the sake of plausible deniability, but idk I think I need to give them.

So I‘ve had trouble believing that my opinions and feelings were listened to and cared about. My bf was invited out for a short holiday with coworkers, and when I expressed disappointment and discontent that I wasn‘t welcome his stance was a defensive "I don‘t care you‘re not coming, I want to go so I‘ll go", and that set off an ugly argument. My expectations of the thing changed around a lot, it eventually broadened to arguing about how much influence your partner had on what you do. I thought it was a matter of respect to ask your partner if it‘s alright to leave for several days, he thought no such thing is needed. I told him I don‘t feel heard or respected, end result being I‘ll join him over there after the holiday. He offered freely. But I‘d be arriving halfway through the last group day.

I ask him to come pick me up from the airport (very foreign, non euro country plus I was feeling bad about the whole thing) and he reassured me he would. Closer to the date he told me that there was an activity he wanted to do which meant I‘d be waiting 6+ hours if I wanted him to pick me up. He could cancel, but he wouldn‘t. End result I told him to give me detailed explanations on how to get from the airport to where we‘ll stay.

What I‘m having trouble with is that…it feels like he keeps crossing what actually matters to me, but he DOES seem to care about how I feel. He was willing to sacrifice a lot. Taking days off work, changing flights etc. Before he left he set us both up for a subscription to an activity which I know will keep me occupied. It was EXPENSIVE. He‘s written a kind letter for me to read whenever I feel annoyed at him when I‘m away. He‘s happy to pay for my individual therapy because I‘m a clingy, jealous, insecure person (I know this, it‘s not that he told me) and I don‘t like feeling that way. He‘s compulsively writing little details in a document to send to me with hints and tips about the country to make it easy as possible. It‘s now 10+ pages when I was expecting a text of the bus number basically. He‘s talked to people (which he hates doing) to give me more information. And of course, I‘ll be going on holiday.

So it‘s not like he has this complete disregard for me, and my requests can be unreasonable, but the way he‘ll say no to them can be so cruel (as in "I want to do it, so I don‘t care how you feel"). And some things ARE shitty from him, like assuring me he‘ll pick me up then going back on it. And I‘m fluctuating between resenting him for crossing those boundaries of mine that he‘s willing to do all those things in the aforementioned paragraph.

In this whole situation I‘m being treated like a total princess, right? Objectively I‘m seeing all the things he‘s doing for me, but emotionally it feels like I‘ve been walked over. I‘ll say something is important to me, but what he wants overrides that, and in exchange I get some luxury. But I don‘t know, it‘s hard to see this objectively.

My expectations are fucking high considering what‘s actually happening, right? It‘s always been about mutual respect in a relationship for me, not the monetary benefits. Hell we could be shit poor (and with exes I have been) and it‘d be fine so long as I knew every time a conflict came up we‘d think of how we could make it work together instead of thinking of how we get what we want.

I think I just want people to tell me to snap the fuck out of it and see how good I have it.

No. 123691

This sounds kinda assholeish:

>Closer to the date he told me that there was an activity he wanted to do which meant I‘d be waiting 6+ hours if I wanted him to pick me up. He could cancel, but he wouldn‘t. End result I told him to give me detailed explanations on how to get from the airport to where we‘ll stay.


The fact "being annoyed at him" is an assumed constant is weird. Basically confirms that he knows he is irritating you and won't change:

>He‘s written a kind letter for me to read whenever I feel annoyed at him when I‘m away


It sounds like he is not prepared to drop anything or change to make you happy, instead dropping money on you and writing letters and text files or whatever instead of whatever actual thing he should have been doing.
I don't think this is being treated like a "princess". The stuff about ignoring wishes and not changing plans makes it seem he treats you as a humored child, not a respected partner. You are not equal in his eyes. I find this slightly unsettling.

I feel like the escalation for this would be stuff like you giving birth alone in hospital because he was "busy" or some emergency happening at home which he didn't attend to but bought some flowers to apologize after. Your feelings are constantly getting ignored with acts of apology quick to follow, yet the kind thing would be to actually give a shit about your wishes. Not gaslight you into thinking you're being an unreasonable princess for wanting to be considered as an equal by your partner.

No. 123693

>>123691
Samefag: my summary is you are treated as a humored afterthought.

The fact you feel upset or annoyed at him all the time is extremely related! (Meaningless/insignificant) acts of kindness to make up for larger acts of selfishness makes for a relationship rollercoaster, and makes him an unreliable partner. He's hurting you (symbolically speaking) and then buying the plaster to go over the wound.

No. 123710

>>123618
I would also try and videocall him/webcam chat before you go, I would be wary to meet someone only from selfies in 2019. It will give you an idea of how you two will be like in person. And maybe bring someone with you when you go to visit, like organise a trip between you and a friend to this place, the "date" can be an activity you do on that trip. If you get along well you can spend more time together, otherwise the opportunity to bail is there.

No. 123726

A guy I'm interested in asked me to hang out with he and his friends on a whim today (we happened to be near each other) but I said no.
Was this a mistake? I don't like groups and I've only talked with him alone irl once so far.
And what could he mean by this? Is it friendzoning that he doesn't want to spend more time alone first, or is it rushing me to get along with his friends?

No. 123728

>>123726
or mby he just thought you were cool and wanted to hang out? ngl kinda shit you missed out on this, could have evaluated how you really feel about him by seeing how he acts round his friends irl too

No. 123730

>>123689
You're being a bit needy, imo. It's called a compromise; you both get somewhat of something you want but not entirely one or the other's way.

You said you felt bad that he wasn't inviting you on the holiday and didn't ask your opinion beforehand.
After the altercation he reneged and let you join after a point which is a reasonable compromise for upsetting you. Btw it is not uncommon for other people on coworker holidays to go without their spouse's approval and tell their spouses that they can't go.
He changed his flights and altered his schedule, and he signed you up for an expensive activity.
Another great compromise.
The downside is that he told you he'd have to pick you up 6 hours later. Surely you could find something to occupy your time? The reason why he's compulsively typing a point to point itinerary after you voiced concern about that is so you cannot accuse him of not being considerate of you again.

I don't see where the problem is here.

No. 123732

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, we own a house together and live together though have not married. I’m not sure if I’m happy in this relationship. I have love for him, but not passion. My main issue is that we rarely ever do anything together (he shoots down most activities I suggest because he would rather stay home on his phone, hates crowded places/people), we’ve also hard arguments about the type of language he uses when we argue (condescending, makes no effort to understand why what he says is hurtful, etc). He’s also gained about 40+ pounds since we’ve been together so I’m not as attracted to him anymore, have suggested working out/doing activities together but nothing. I feel nothing when we have sex though to his credit he does try. I just feel like as far as the relationship goes he’s become complacent and maybe I’m just bored? He does have good qualities though (has helped me through rough times, is generally supportive and always willing to help me with whatever things as needed), but I find myself wondering if this is how I want to live for the rest of my life. It’s complicated because we own a house together but I’ve contemplated breaking up unless we can work on the relationship.

I also feel guilty because I’ve been texting a friend a lot (nothing sexual), I have a small crush on him and I wonder if it’s a sign that I need to end things. I wouldn’t cheat but I think I’m getting into emotional cheating territory and that worries me.

Has anyone been through something similar?

No. 123736

>>123732
Going through something similar but we’re renting, don’t own property. Once the spark dies and he’s not taking care of himself, it’s hard to come back from that mentally. Would it be worth it to you to try counseling or trying to work on things? I recently came to terms with only seeing my partner platonically and it’s been a big eye-opener to my entire relationship. Is he aware you’re unhappy at all or would it be a shock to him to know you’re feeling this way?

No. 123737

>>123736
We’ve talked about this before, he says he is willing to work on some things but I don’t see him taking steps to do that. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t do counseling.

I just don’t know what’s realistic to expect from a relationship that is this long, do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out? I understand that couples will always argue about things but I never expected to feel so dead emotionally.

No. 123743

>>123732
Ew, sounds like he's taking you for granted and also doesn't respect you when there are arguments/things don't go his way. No wonder why you aren't attracted to him lmao. I'd really just straight up say the things you told us are ruining your attraction towards him. Certain types of people are selfish and won't change even if they know certain things upset their SO. But once it includes him (no attraction towards him = no sex) he'll straighten up.

Unfortunately it shouldn't be that way, but he seems to be that type

>>123737
>do people in LTR always feel passion for each other or does it inevitably burn out?
It only burns out once one party stops putting in effort. You don't spend much time together, he's disrespectful towards you, doesn't take care of himself (ie. doesn't care about looking good for you)… Taking each other for granted like that is usually the sign the relationship will die out. The other partner (you) will eventually get worn down by those things and start to resent their SO more and more. It can still be fixed but he needs to change. Or at least you both need to compromise on some things. Really it's up to you if you want to salvage this relationship.

No. 123746

>>123737
I think if both people are willing to keep the spark alive, it can work long-term. It might be worth checking out r/deadbedrooms and seeing some of the perspectives of people that have lost their chemistry after 20 years of marriage. Some of the stuff on there has helped me see both sides of it.

No. 123751

>>123691
>>123693
Thanks, this gave me some more insight, I‘m glad for the validation. I‘ve been in poverty before so my friends think I‘m the luckiest and have nothing to complain about since I have this new comfortable life.

>he is not prepared to drop anything or change to make you happy


The thing is…I don‘t know what is a reasonable expectation with "changing". I‘ve had issues with being controlling before so I‘m very wary of it. I didn‘t go into the relationship thinking he‘d be great if he changed X character flaw, but I do expect at least a conversation over altering behaviour that clashes when it comes up. I honestly don‘t know what is and isn‘t a reasonable expectation in these situations. His attitude is that he shouldn‘t change something he wants to do to make me happy because my feelings are my responsibility, and I argue back that you should just…by default care about how your partner feels.

He‘s been alone. His whole life. No partners, no real close friends until me, at nearly 30 years old. When a friend or parent visits then goes, he never misses them or is sad to see them go or excited to have them arrive, for that matter. I think the loneliness affected him significantly and he thinks first and foremost about himself and what he wants and that attitude is deeply ingrained. Currently he thinks the fault lies with me for being too demanding of changes in behaviour, but we‘ll do couples counseling and maybe then he‘ll listen when someone else tells him his selfish actions help develop this insecurity. Because I wasn‘t like this when I was single or with other exes. I didn‘t have to insist that they should care about how I feel and take some kind of action towards it because it was just…done.

If he‘s resistant to the idea of being less self centered and won‘t try to change that aspect after seeing it in counseling, then it‘ll be time to drop the relationship. I‘m in a new country with him with no social net, no job and reliant on him so it‘s a very scary prospect. But every time he‘s like "yeah you feel bad but that‘s not my responsibility" it‘s like…my feelings are invalidated a little more, and eventually I‘ll stop expressing it because all it leads to is that he knows how I feel, but still goes ahead and I hurt. Which is a crazy thought because I‘m known to be an emotionally open and vulnerable person, but every time he seems to just see it as an inconvenience to fix.

No. 123776

I just started dating a guy and everything is good so far. My only issue is that he wants to go to grad school in a year and all but one school he is applying to are out of state. I've been to grad school and I get that he wants to go to the best in his field. I have no interest in stopping him and want him to have a good life.
The closest university in our city is a decent public university but the other places he is applying to are Stanford, MIT, etc and obviously a much higher ranking and career prospects for him.

We have only been dating for 3 weeks. I don't want to do a LDR and I don't want to leave my city. Should I just end it?
I told him all of this and he said to just wait because he doesn't know what the future holds, but I don't want to invest a year into a relationship just to see it end over something like this. I also would feel uncomfortable exerting any sort of pressure on him to make him go to a lower ranked school, inadvertently or overtly. I've been in 2 very long term relationships with long LDR periods in both that lasted years, so I am 100% afraid of re-entering an other. I won't do it again. He has never had a relationship before so I don't think he knows how unpleasant they can be or is even thinking that far in the future.

Advice? Should I just wait and see or end it now before we get too attached?



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