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previous thread: >>>/g/49363
Discuss your shitty brain here.
I had therapy that was specifically for child sex abuse and it was life changing. Previous attempts at just general therapy hadn't been massively helpful but as soon as I specifically hunted down that service I knew why general talk therapy just wasn't cutting it for me.
It really depends on what your issue is and finding the right service to cater to it. If it's chemical/clincal depression then I've heard therapy has minimal effect
If you find the right one, are honest, and willing to put in the work, yes, Yes it does. >>160430
It can be a little bit difficult to find the right therapist who utilizes the school of psychology that is useful for your condition + is a good fit for you as a person BUT therapy is excellent. It's a bit like finding the right partner for romance. Some people luck out with their first therapist, some have to keep looking for a while. Once you find a good fit you're gonna do amazing though.
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Never tell people about psychotic symptoms ever. I went through a "brief psychotic episode" recently (again) and this time decided to be honest about why I was awol. Told a friend I had to go to the hospital for a week. Now I have 0 friends lol. Mental health awareness as long as it's only something cute and socially acceptable like depression or anxiety. Anything else and you're just too scary to keep around.
Why bother? I took my meds and was more or less normal. Never creepy. They didn't know before I told. Probably just thought I was a bit autistic. I'll stop taking my meds and become full schizo. Which is the fate of 2/3 of schizotypals anyway, I've heard. Whatever. Can't wait.
Hey, anon, I'm an adult and I just got diagnosed with ADHD. I also had the same concerns and was so afraid I would get my feelings dismissed but luckily the doctors I saw took me seriously and were willing to get me tested. From the day I asked my primary care doctor about getting a referral to a psych to the day I got my results back confirming my diagnosis it was a grand total of three months.
Maybe I just got super lucky but I think it's worth at least advocating for yourself to get tested. I think a lot of the drug seekers are just people who whine to their primary care doctor about "ADHD" to get a quick stimulant prescription but if you're willing to sit through the hours of formal testing it'll probably show that you are serious about it. You should also definitely bring up that it runs in your family.
I hear you. My mom is similar, and I think you're right that when they turn to that sort of spirituality it's a way of coping. There's more than just one way a person can explore the idea of spirituality, and talking about learning from their "higher self" is one. In my mom's case when it got very bad she was diagnosed with psychosis on the same day. It can also be caused by trauma, but as you know everyone is different so take it with a grain of salt.
On spirituality in my case and maybe yours, it can hardly make sense to us as daughters seeing our mother suddenly turn to an ideology that looks so flimsy and different to us. It definitely won't make sense to those who haven't lived with someone going through that, listen to you or her, or have seen it themselves. But this could be something she's clinging to for some sort of control over her life or a "higer duty", you would know better than any of us. Speaking to her inner child, like all of this, is very different from what people take as normal. For mine it had to do with making peace with things that happened that were out of her control back then. It hits me hard because that was a person's childhood taken away by certain events. If you feel safe and like she'll take it alright, maybe suggest her talking to a professional therapist if she isn't already to help work through how she's feeling and get a feel of where this is coming from before it gets deeper. At least so she has someone to talk to about this and help you help her. Also some people don't know that therapists are not one size fits all, it might take time to find someone you and she trusts. I don't want to assume, but being able to talk to you must have helped as well, so thank you for listening to her.
It can be scary seeing them like this and metaphorically falling into a rabbit hole. People might not understand, some will insult, and some could egg the new spirituality on far too much when we can see there are things behind the scenes hurting them. Please keep yourself strong and patient, and an eye on her to help keep her anchored to the physical world. I'm sorry to go on so much, but I hope I can save you at least some of the confusion and possible heartache and show you that you're not alone when digging this up.
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I started seeing my OCD specialist and she told me she definitely thinks I have OCD. Not quite a diagnosis yet, but damn was it relieving and also terrifying.
Anyway, insert meme words above talking about "depressive intrusive thoughts and OCD intrusive thoughts"
i've been showing symptoms of an eating disorder for a couple years now but my parents have never gotten me help for it, there's also the concern i might have schizoid personality disorder and BPD after researching it for a long while but my pleads for an appointment to see if there's something wrong with me are never answered. ever.
i was diagnosed with depression a couple years back and my parents always brush it off as just ''depression symptoms'' but i'm scared. this doesn't feel like depression, it feels off and it explains a lot of my emotions that i felt came out of nowhere for a really long time, i hate this. i hate this so much.
i'm still so young so i can't do anything about getting a diagnosis, but i just wish someone in my family or just anyone would listen to me, i feel like my symptoms aren't good enough. they'll just tell me it may be side effects on my medication or just some sort of PMS thing but it's not, it's just not. it's nothing like that at all.
i want to stop this, i want to stop it all so fucking badly because i need help. i need mental help desperately and i'm scared. i'm so scared that it'll worsen, that the symptoms will spiral out of control and i'll have a breakdown, i just want to be treated. i want to know if there really is something wrong with me.
thanks! Was it always the same during the time you're on it, or does your orgasming ability (lol) flactuates?
Btw I take Escitil and I realized the original of it is Lexapro, I searched the previous thread for it and found some info. I guess it often causes low libido/harder orgasm, huh. It's not tragic and my libido is the same but I just hope it won't get worse when it starts working.
I've always been like this + I did have a traumatic upbringing (abuse by family, sexual abuse while young, parental divorce). I'd say the OCD behaviors started when I was 12 (hoarding and needing to do things in a specific way) and just increased as time went on.
I'm really just ashamed to need help in general. The things I do always feel irrational and embarrassing to talk about, but make sense to me. You're right though. The hoarding thing has actually gotten a little worse now that I have a job. I bought 4 nintendo switches in one day "just in case" something bad happened to the one I had. I see nothing wrong with keeping unopened boxes around the house and letting them pile up, not even using what I buy. Amazon was a mistake…
jokes aside, thank you and I truly hope you also help the help you need.
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Yep, unfortunately the only solution seems to be to live a quiet, secluded life – not total social isolation, but you know… living in a remote house with your partner, working a quiet job in a lab, library or a similar quiet environment, going on long walks with your friends instead of bar hopping. Basically, don't expose yourself to too many stimuli. On the bright side: if you're only highly sensitive (no comorbidities) you could actually achieve happiness that way.>>165675
Only a psychiatrist can give you a definitive answer. There is no "consensus", just a lot of overlapping symptoms and a bunch of papers on this exact subject. Diagnosing a patient always involves interpretation of symptoms and personal psychiatric judgement. Telling the difference gets especially difficult if you are female, because many diagnostic criteria are based on the "ideal" male patient.
In my experience, the main difference between ADHD and high functioning autism (formerly Asperger) is the social aspect. People with ADHD might not be able to adhere to social norms, but they do intuitively understand them.
A person with ADHD might forget to make eye contact because they can't concentrate on the conversation and facial expressions at once, but they also would get irritated if whoever they're talking to doesn't look at them.
A person on the spectrum might try to make eye contact because they learned that they're supposed to at some point in their life, but they'll never feel entirely sure if they're making enough or too much eye contact.
A person with (social) anxiety would simply be too afraid to make eye contact, but the concept as such wouldn't feel unnatural.
Ofc a neurotypical person could have the same issues re: eye contact for different reasons. But if all the overlapping ADHD/autism symptoms apply to you this is one of the areas where the difference becomes clearer.
Do you consider yourself disorganized? If so, do you feel like you'll never be a neat person or is the chaos more a result of you feeling overwhelmed than you not giving a shit about an organized environment? The latter would point towards autism.
Another thing that separates ASD from ADHD and connects it to BPD is lack of identity/ anomalous self-experience. If lack of identity isn't a big issue I would look more into ADHD and less into ASD and BPD (not saying that people with ADHD can't experience a lack of identity, but we have to draw the line somewhere, right…).
One aspect that might be pretty unique to autism is a constant sense of alienation ("feeling like a spectator").
Anxiety disorder is a tough one since it's a symptom of BPD, and often goes hand in hand with high-functioning autism and – to a lesser extend – ADHD. If you "only" suffer from anxiety but not ADHD, BPD or ASD you should be able to remember a time when things were different and when social interactions were easier.
See screenshot and link for BPD… https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5590952/
>>I'm very good at keeping up with a couple things at a time (ex. going to work and keeping my room tidy), but will tend to neglect other things due to being overwhelmed/lack of life skills
You seem to have executive dysfunction (both a symptom of autism and ADHD as well as many other disorders).
>>I also tend to develop intense interests in things and then drop them a week or so later, either taking on a new interest or becoming bored with how much I already know about the subject due to researching so much. I've always felt alienated by my peers, or like there's something "off" about me that others can sense.
Intense interests and alienation points towards high-functioning autism. Dropping a subject after just a week or two sounds more like ADHD. Could also be both. Or neither. Like I said, only a professional can say for sure.
You could check out r/aspiegirls and see how much you can relate to the experiences of the users there.
How are you with social interaction? Do you pick up on nonverbal cues easily, or non explicit cues like unspoken social rules? Are you often confused about why others feel or act a certain way?
Do you talk a lot or a little, and do you tend to overshare? When you feel a strong emotion like anger, are you easily overwhelmed or do you have difficulty controlling your primary reaction?
Sorry for the shitload of questions, ignore them if you want, but it might help to better understand your issues.
Sorry anon, didn't check the thread yesterday. With social interactions I can pick up on rules sometimes as I've learned from trial and error, but I feel like I'm still from another planet most days. For example, someone will say something to me and in my head I've acknowledged it, yet I just keep staring at them saying nothing. I catch myself doing this now that it has come to my attention, but I feel I still have a vacant stare when people talk to me and it makes them uncomfortable.
I typically tend to talk very, very little in social situations; I don't really understand small talk and I've noticed that if I do talk I will ask a lot of questions or try to mimic the social atmosphere and it's just awkward.
I get excited easily over things and tend to try to cut people off. I had LOTS of anger problems as an adolescent. Meltdowns over small shit like accidentally turning off my GBA.
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I think I may have avpd but (characteristically) have no real interest in getting diagnosed.
Basically I'm a compulsive ghoster because socializing makes me uncomfortable. I've been able to scrape by since it only destroyed my casual friendships, but now it's seeping into professional life. I just would rather not interact as I assume no one would like to interact with me. Fucking imageboards are the only place I feel okay existing.
On top of this my social skills are about 5 years stunted…awful.
But I'm unsure if a diagnosis would even benefit me. Ultimately it's something I have to do myself so idk if it's worth having a pd on my record. And I don't necessarily suffer from debilitating social anxiety so meds would be useless. It's just my ideas around social things are fucked.
At the very least it's nice to be able to lurk places online where other avoidants post their experiences. Being able to relate is nice, sure wish I could let myself do it fully one day.
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I genuinely feel like I’m not good enough to be socially active. All my life I’ve been ignored and the few friends (or rather acquaintances) I have favor for my boyfriend, who is so much better than I am that I don’t even know why I’m in a relationship. I wanna blame my mom’s parenting and how she isolated me and my siblings from everything growing up but I know that’s not the only factor but I know it’s a major one. All I know is that I’ve convinced myself that I’m not worth of anything and it’s a very hard mindset to even get out of
I’m seeking therapy now but seeing the earlier posts on how useless it is makes me wonder if I made the right choice. I don’t have any actual friends who I can talk to or get advice from. Image board forums are the only ones I got. I genuinely think that if I killed myself, it wouldn’t cause much of a stir
Obviously I can't say for sure, but it does sound the most like an autism spectrum disorder to me. Feeling socially alienated and having to kind of manually learn those rules can be major hurdles. When someone talks to you about their day or whatever, do you ever feel like you don't care all that much about what they are saying but instead focus on giving the expected or socially desirable response? (I think most people have those moments when people tell boring stories but it might be something you notice regularly)
To me the anger issues seem like an important tell. I've worked with quite a few children and teenagers with ASD and they tend to have a specific way of getting angry, often as a result of either feeling something is unjust or unfair, or being stressed due to overstimulation. It can be hard to control, but luckily many people learn to deal with it as they get older, sounds like the same was the case for you.
Either way, it sounds like you're good at self reflection so as long as you kind of keep it in mind I wouldn't worry about the social aspect all too much. You don't want to turn it into a self fulfilling prophecy by being awkward because of overthinking how not to be awkward.
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I'm the same way anon! Personally idk if I'd call myself avoidant, I've always chalked it up to social anxiety since I also tend to worry about being disliked or found weird by my friends way too much. Somehow responding to messages just seems like a huge threshold to cross, even though I'd like to be friends with these people I'm irrationally anxious about talking to them. The same goes for using social media and the like. Imageboards are great since posting anonymously means it's way easier to just post what I think organically.
My professional life sometimes suffers because of this as well. I bury my head in the sand as a dysfunctional coping style and it's caused me so many problems that would have been easily solvable if I just wouldn't ignore them from the start. Stuff like having to wait a full year to apply to my uni just because I put off sending a 5 minute email until it was too late. Feels very very retarded.
While it's something you have to do yourself eventually, getting basic CBT might help you get there. You don't even need a diagnosis for that (where I'm from). It's all about getting used to actually doing it and practice, but support doesn't hurt if you can't do it alone. I've gotten somewhat better at this in the past few years but am still considering getting help.
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Yeah, I have had dermotillomania for well over a decade. I would pick my facial acne and its scabs repeatedly, and in recent years it's spread to my shoulders/back.
My face would be totally fucked with tons of scars and wounds, and it's held me back from social situations throughout all of my teen/early adult years.
I've started to use a counter to stop myself from touching my acne, and the best I've done was 2 months. since I'm still young, my face cleared up entirely during that time. I keep relapsing now, but it's gotten a lot better. I hope to keep it up once things go back to normal and I can go out more.
Yeah I used to spend so much time just tweezing my leg hair by hand, picking at ingrow hairs with a needle, sometimes obsessing to get a deep ingrown out (the ones where you can only see them faintly under the transparent skin, but they're at least 2 mm beneath the skin)
Leaving my leg hair be has helped a bit, although now that they're long sometimes I'll pluck them by hand (literally, with my fingers). But I try to avoid it.
I'm trying to stop biting my nails and destroying my cuticles too.
But now that you mention it, yeah, tweezing my leg hair gave me a sense of satisfaction and comfort. Really wonder why we turn out this way.
NTA - I recently started tweezing hair around my nipples (I randomly get darker ones there and they piss me off) and I relate to the obsession with ingrowns. If I see just a tiny black dot I obsess over it for hours until everything bleeds. Never thought of using a needle though so thanks for that lol
I pick on my cuticles/skin around fingers a lot too. Have done it since i was a kid. I've never mentioned any of this to my therapist but I wonder if I should. Idk if it would help though cause she's just gonna say I'm anxious and should be more mindful when I do it yadda yadda.
I've had trich since childhood so I'm two decades into it now. My head hair, lashes, brows, pubes, legs, are all areas that I've targetted over the years. Obvs it gets worse with stress and even pre-menstrual tension can put me into a cycle of getting better all month long and then pulling alot for a couple days.
The only things that've helped me are, not owning tweezers, shaving at the same time every week and not letting hairs reach a length where I can easily hand pull. When I feel the urge to fuck around with hair I rub the back of my hands against my sharp stubble. Something about the sharp feeling of stubble has replaced that sharp sting of pulling. It gives me a weirdly rewarding sensory stim that is enough to satiate the urge.
I've been through hundreds of cycles of improving and relapsing back into it but the stubble thing has been my best strategy so far. Tweezers and tools like that are risky to have around. I don't know if you're in a position where you can ask a relative to hold onto them for you and only give them to you for brows. I live alone so just binned mine. I then replaced them several times and regretted it every time and rebinned lol. It's like having wine in the house when you're an alco.
tbh that would probably be fine for a lot of men, it seems like they mostly don't even like talking that much, it's usually women who hound men for time
also schizoid is more common in men than women, maybe you could even find one your own to be with if this one doesn't work out
Ime I genuinely loved my first long term partner. I couldn't be healthy though and he rightfully left me. I grieved and years later still feel like it was genuine love but also unavoidable that we had to split up.
My second ltr was totally unhealthy. Spent 3 years living together and thinking we'd be permanent but being honest I didn't love him. I clung to him for bs emotional reasons and it was a case of the more he got hot and cold the more I panicked and didn't want to lose him. Fear of abandonement kicked in majorly. It turned abusive
(in a way it felt like my karma but I never lashed out at my first love anywhere near as much as I endured from this guy)
Sorry for rambling but overall if I met someone like the first guy again where the connection is real..I would hope that with age my symptoms mellow out to a point where sustainable love would be possible. I think maturing is important. Being a 20 something year old bpder and expecting to meet your forever love.. seems like setting yourself up against an impossible task. The love might be real but love isn't enough if you lash out or are unbearable at times. It takes more than love. Yeah it's respect that will trip you up. Trust too.
Thanks anons I appreciate your perspectives. It's complicated, right? I have a BPD ex who badly fucked me up but at the same time understood and appreciated me in ways no one else ever did. A disorder isn't an excuse to be cruel, but at the same time I can't fully know what it's like to be in your heads. I imagine it's exhausting wanting to be consistent but having to fight against your natural impulses to do so. >>170511
I've struggled with this thought as even though my ex may not have intended to hurt me, BPD is still very much a part of who he is and always will be. (In some ways I think there are upsides too, such as the heightened passion and sensitivity.) I feel like it's difficult to know where the disorder stops and where the "real" person starts, as it's just something that's innate. >>170513
I'm glad to hear this anon. I hope what we shared was genuine, even if we couldn't sustain it. I tried to be supportive and he improved in some ways but I'm sure it's an uphill battle trying to overcome a way of thinking that's been part of your life for decades. It was a sad and sobering realization that, as you say, love wasn't enough. >>170517
I saw a lot of this happening in real time and it was really distressing to think all the good things we shared were suddenly meaningless amid the confusion and dissociation. But there were also periods of mutual care and intense happiness. For me I feel consistency is a necessity if you truly care about someone, but it's probably not fair to apply my standards to people with a very different baseline.
For the record I'm not thinking of getting back together as that wouldn't be healthy for either of us. Just trying to make sense of it all in hindsight. Life is not so black and white as I wanted it to be when I was younger.
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When God made me she had a sick sense of humor to make me a self-harming autist with an unspecified neurological disorder on top of being a rabid cluster B. My retard chicken breast brain literally goes "hmm migraine and anxiety, time to start smashing your skull against the bed frame. that'll help. do it." then I get urges to punish myself for punishing myself. I'm like an old dog that can't even function but somehow, either due to pity or genuine care, everyone around me loves me and tries to take care of me best they can. Anyone else a retard NEET who would be dead without their partners/friends?
I have ADHD, I have the same problems as you. There's so many thoughts going on in my (and your?) brain that it's hard to vocalize them all in a clear way. My best advice is keeping your partner in the loop and pointing out that "it's an ADHD thing" while being mindful of losing track of a convo. I also try to repeat what my partner said so they know I'm listening.
Also, getting medicated if u arent helps a bit/a lot
I'm in a bad BPD place right now, at least I think, but often I feel as if I don't have the disorder at all even though I'm diagnosed? I was also diagnosed with schizotypal disorder in 2015 and wonder if I still have symptoms or if they undiagnosed me without telling me. Here's a very quick rundown on things I've done in the months I've been off sick from work:
>gf broke up with me cause we were always fighting and used my mental health as the reason. other friends also stopped talking to me because i didn't respect their boundaries. now i mostly scream (online) at the remaining friends when i get mad which atm is every day, feel bad about it, then get mad and scream again>overdosed and went to hospital because a friend of a friend said something that I interpreted as being an attack on me>used a combination of benzos and antipsychotics so i could lie in bed all the time and only get up to eat once a day>cut myself and smeared my own shit into the open wound to try and cause an infection>licked a public toilet in a train station because an ex-friend said something that i interpreted as judging me for my sexuality and i wanted to prove my worth (often when i do this stuff i hesitate and then my brain is like "just do it")>became very convinced i was pregnant even though i have an iud and took the morning after pill, went to a&e about 5 times to get my pee and blood tested because i thought there was an undetectable fetus inside me>had the cops called on me by my mom because i had a meltdown that involved stabbing a kitchen cabinet while pretending it was an ex friend's face
I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting but basically this year has not been good so far and of course neither was last year. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to vent anonymously.
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huh, weird. I just read that Wellbutrin is often used as an off-label way to treat ADHD, and it's the only antidepressant that has ever worked for my depression/ anxiety and actually made me function better. I've been suspecting I might have some form of adult ADHD that went unrecognized when I was a kid for whatever reason, which I've read is common with girls, and it runs in my family at least somewhat because my youngest cousin (male) has it and I'm pretty sure my oldest cousin (female) has either adhd or is neurodivergent in some other way, i forget. another cousin is dyslexic. I had the typical experience I read about with being overly hyped up as a GATE student as a kid and then fumbling in high school or feel overwhelmed, getting heavy imposter syndrome and just not being able to function and complete tasks the way your friends and peers do. but i hesitate to take my armchairing seriously because i used to suspect that I might have hypomanic/ type 2 bipolar instead of regular depression, and also because i was SO normal and honestly even advanced as a kid, but not in a way where i lacked social cues or couldn't function. it didn't start until my first depression diagnosis at 15, and I've heard adhd is supposed to be something you're born with, but maybe that's incorrect.
anyway when I read about the wellbutrin thing it made me wonder if that's another factor of not knowing I have ADHD (if i even have it), because it's working to fix it without my even being aware of it. I've been on and off of these meds for 5 years now and truly without them I barely function. either way I feel like there's SOMETHING that i have that i'm missing. I can't take myself seriously because i feel borderline munchie as it is with the way I scare myself into thinking I have an autoimmune disorder on the regular, so that makes me feel like maybe I'm just overly hyper-aware of every symptom I catch myself experiencing and it's actually nothing or maybe even just the wrong dose of meds. I'm too poor for therapy or healthcare right now though so I'll have to just wait it out and see if things subside a little if I work harder at practicing better habits
samefag, i've been doing research and reading articles on adult female adhd all day and the specific things/ weird behaviors some of these women have gone through in their stories hit me really hard, I almost cried reading some of them because it's word for word shit that has happened to me. I told my boyfriend about it and read all the symptoms because I had some doubt that I'm overreacting, but some of the symptoms I read off really caught his attention as things I've done and he's positive I have it too. I'm simultaneously relieved and also kind of deeply sad (and also still trapped because I can't afford mental healthcare) every single story i read sounds like me. I think I probably have the inattentive/ hyperactive combo, I relate to both of them.
god, even typing this was torture because my bf has a podcast on in the other room and it's not even that loud but it sounds so fucking loud and distracting to me. it took forever to focus on finishing the most basic thoughts. the whole "noise that doesn't bother anyone but me" misophonia thing seems so small and unimportant but is so painful to live with.
out of curiosity have any other anons struggled with this/ been diagnosed late in life? if you were on adderall how did it help you? if anyone was on an off-label script like the wellbutrin I already take, what effect did that have on you? I just don't really know how to go forward with this and if anything it's worse now that I recognize and single out all the habits
>>171086>have any other anons struggled with this/ been diagnosed late in life? if you were on adderall how did it help you?
Check out the adhd thread in /ot/
It's always worth bringing this stuff up to your doctor, especially since you're already on Wellbutrin, but when I read your first post the spiraling energy you gave made me immediately want to remind you that psychology and such isn't a perfect science so please don't stake all your hope that the right diagnosis can explain everything. In real life most people don't fit into distinct categories, doctors just add up points and then categorise you according to whatever they have been taught and then they give you medication that usually works for that category.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD but the medication I respond best to is also used for narcoleptics and I'm fairly sure that's more than a coincidence, but at the end of the day nobody can look inside of me and find a notarized list of what's actually wrong with me and how to "cure" it. That's not to say we shouldn't keep trying to get the right diagnosis, of course you should it can help a lot, just that sometimes there isn't a clear answer.
oh thanks i didn't know there was a thread for it!
sorry if I gave off that vibe, I know I won't be magically cured if I get the correct diagnosis or the right meds or anything, it's a long process and different for everyone and I've had to switch around meds a lot. I just feel like it's one of the only things that has perfectly, specifically explained the symptoms I've struggled with my whole life, and it's frustrating to have connected the dots so late in life. even if i don't have adhd specifically, i'm pretty sure it's more than just normal depression so looking into some kind of evaluation and diagnosis can't hurt
They're dealt with by being ostracized until they off themselves, or stuck in an asylum. Not much has changed.
Personally I just gave up on trying to connect w ppl without my mental illnesses, and coping with hobbies.
Ugh, same. It doesn't help that my grandmother killed herself in her 60s which is a pretty unusual age for suicide. Nobody in my family is mentally healthy so why should I ever get better?
All the (relatively) healthy people around me are doing some form of psychotherapy. I just don't see the point.
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Diagnosed BPDfag, anybody else on SSRIs find that since being on them they find themselves saying some whack stuff, and then after the fact being like whoops! I feel like my already barely there mental filter is just non existent at this point. I smoke weed pretty much all day to sedate myself because it's hard for me to even stand being around myself when I'm feeling hyperactive, spiteful, and impulsive with my words and actions.
somehow i find this kinda wholesome in a very BPD way>>172685>But anyway I feel like I lost my youth to depression which was caused these SSRIs
ouch, resonate hard with that. the only antidepressant that has ever worked well for me or at least helped me somewhat function pre- adhd diagnosis (and commonly works well for other comorbid people) was wellbutrin. zoloft and other SSRIs only ever fucked me up, drained me of all emotion/ personality and made me feel like a zombie. makes sense since it's an NDRI and probably gave me dopamine/ made me feel a slight semblance of normalcy for the first time ever, i've only been on it the last 3ish years. being diagnosed with ADHD so late and looking back at ur childhood/ connecting the dots is really rough because it just makes you think about the person you could have been, and the the way things in life would have been so much better. definitely try to go from 4 drugs to 1-2 tho, especially when it's just added stuff you brain doesn't need, it can weigh you down a lot. at least in my experience
god i'm tired of my brain… i've been feeling like there's something wrong with me as long as i remember myself. i've only been diagnosed with the classic easy "fuck off" combo of anxiety and depression 7 years ago when i was 15 while i'm sure these are not the only problems i have. my eating disorder has been fucking up my health and life for more than 8 years and i've never been at a normal bmi in my entire adult life, but i wasn't ever spoopy enough for anyone to take me seriously and it also wasn't my intention to get tubed and all that shit, i just find comfort in total control of my intake and weight. it's not bothering me that much rn so i let it slide.
what is really annoying is that i can't keep up with normal tasks like cleaning my room, cleaning the dishes, washing my clothes, getting somewhere on time, meeting deadlines; i can't keep up with studying online cause i get distracted very easily, by fucking birds flying past my window, by any random little thing. i can't do something that i'm not literally obsessed with, i can't concentrate on any fucking thing! i'm extremely bad at day-to-day functioning on this level, i live in a constant mess and actually i don't care about it (only when someone wants to pass by and my room looks like a fucking garbage bin), i don't cook cause it's too overwhelming and i can't choose the recipe and can't focus, i can't read books, disassociate almost all the time while watching a movie if i don't use subtitles.
but i managed to learn a language in a year and a half to the level of a native speaker, almost 6 month of which completely by myself. because i wanted to move to the country where they speak it and got legit obsessed with this idea, i was studying 24/7 on my own. so i moved to a different country on my own at 19 y/o, i'm very adaptable, fast-thinking, i can absorb info like a sponge but only when my brain decides it's the most amazing topic in the world. but cleaning my room is much more difficult than moving to another part of the world i guess.
i'm really looking into adhd as a possibility because i was like that my entire life; i was doing good at school without any effort by doing every task the last minute, cheating like a pro spy on tests, just being able to find loopholes and think fast. but i was very messy, constantly day dreaming, my handwriting was awful, i was always late (still am). i lost things all the time, my room was always a mess even though i would get my ass kicked by ocd mom who was washing the floors with detergent every f'ing day, so i guess i would have learnt from her, but no
damn i can't even focus on my own thoughts cause i forget what i was thinking about because something else distracts me. if i have a plan, for instance a doctor appointment at 5 pm, i'm not gonna do anything that day rather then sit and wait
my social skills are on point and i'm actually more intuitive and emotional than cold-headed
if someone with similar experiences can give an advice on how i should approach this, i would appreciate it. i'm on zoloft now and it really helps with depression but i'm still dysfunctional AF, just not feeling that bad about it.(lolcow.farm/info)
Crazy how similar our experiences are. I seriously understand you but I've never been diagnosed (I never seeked help either).
Meditation, exercise, daily tasks lists, avoiding over-stimulation (music, tv, social media, etc), setting a routine, breathing exercises, self-talk and making sure I've plenty of time to get ready for something are somehow working for me. But it's such a struggle and so exhausting, fighting your brain all the time. I hope you feel better nonnie
You are me.
>Had anxiety and depression>But am actually very social and intuitive, which is why the anxiety destroyed me, it tried to stop what I was naturally good at.>Can't focus for shit except for the Hobby Of The Week I get obsessed about>Have hundreds of hobbies I picked up and thought I'd take to the end but lost interest in 2 weeks>Have 10 windows open with 20 tabs each>So much noise and ideas in my mind that I have to NUMBER what I will say next while I'm talking to someone>Thought I wasn't that messy until I lived alone and it turned into a pigsty in a day>Always felt different, not the way everyone does but genuinely different>Easily react to things>Swing between impulsive and productive to ZERO energy and deep depression>Inexplicably angry as a toddler
But I got good grades as a kid and I'm a girl so no one thought to test me for ADHD.
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Any other BPDchans in DBT therapy currently? I'm starting DBT next week. Are any of the skills actually practical if you're in a crisis?
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One doctor said I might be on autism spectrum and another said he thinks I have a schizoid personality disorder. I don't know which one to believe and I don't want to diagnose myself tbh. They weren't able to help me with my depression and anxiety and I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists since I was 12. I've been on like 10 different drugs and nothing helped me. If they weren't able to help me before, how could they help me with something like autism or SPD? I'm tired. Fuck mental health "care" system.
The mere fact that you've been seeking out help for years and came here to post about it makes autism more likely. Not jut because all anons are autistic, but because schizoids tend to not give a fuck. They are among the least likely to seek treatment. A relative of mine has SPD and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him despite his life being completely empty. It's kinda scary. He's indifference personified… and not in that socially awkward, occasionally tone-deaf autistic way – just hollow.
In my experience, psychiatrists tend to be bad at identifying relatively "common" disorders like depression, autism or ADHD if they are accompanied by comorbidities like anxiety, addiction or OCD. Instead of diagnosing you with ASD and social anxiety, they come up with some grandiose, super rare explanation like SPD.
With the lockdown in my country, I've been having a really bad relapse into a miasma of depression, anxiety and self-harm. I had started a course at a university last year but so far I've only actually gone to the campus to get some paperwork and a student card. I've been looking forward to studying at uni for so many years after suffering a lot of bullying in school and abuse at home from my father and now that he's gone, one of my sisters has picked up his abusive, insanely critical traits. I was hoping I could finally find some people my own age to makes some friends with because I'm cripplingly lonely, to the point that I write and make up stories and characters to try and assuage my aching loneliness.
My medication has gone up but it only makes me even more sleepy and lethargic, I end up sleeping all day and all night to avoid reality. I've also, shamefully enough, put on quite a bit of weight because of the side effects and my own lack of any motivation. What bothers me the most is that I only barely passed my first semester and I'm afraid of dropping out again or having to repeat the year. I can't even go out to a cafe just to be around people and watch them. I don't know anons, I hope I don't sound too whiny but this lockdown shit has just gone on for too long. I haven't seen my only few friends in almost two years now since they live in the next country over.
I empathise with all you other anons suffering from this lockdown bullshit, it really doesn't help that here the mental health services are so overloaded that it takes several months to get a twenty minute checkup.
Man, I wish medical weed was legal here. I tried it in America and it really took the edge off of my constant anxiety. I felt actual enjoyment of my hobbies and interests again.
The truth is there are so many antidepressants out there and they work differently for everyone. You will really have to bite the bullet and try for yourself. I had no luck on antidepressants but many people have.
With BPD, I have it too and also couldn't afford therapy. Save up to go to a specialist and ask if meds are right for you and ask what things you can do by yourself to improve coping with BPD/depression if you cannot afford treatment. The absolute best way to deal with your BPD is an exposure therapy called Dialectal Behavioural Therapy (DBT) but it can be expensive. A free alternative with the same results is possible by getting out of your comfort zone, joining some hobby circles and make friends. It was the scariest and hardest thing I've done but can't recommend this enough for other BPD anons, I didn't have to pay a cent for DBT and it was great exposure therapy.
Best of luck.
Thanks anon, really appreciate it. I think joining hobby circles and making friends would be great exposure therapy but I kinda need to have a hobby haha and i dont cause ive lost interest/dont have interest. The other thing is ive become content having a single long distance friend and am also scared of sabotaging potential friendships cause of my tendency to just straight up ghost people or ignore them for long periods of time.>>174653
could it be a dream also? hope you get that figured out.
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Hey dear anons, I just had my first EMDR session today and is the first time in my life that I'm actually feeling good about my mental health and being positive about the future. Don't give up on yourself. I love you all
A fresh update that literally nobody asked for: I have literally every condition that I have ever suspected. So AVPD with BPD traits. I also rated high on autism spectrum despite not being obsessed with numbers or patterns and even though the test didn't even ask me about my extensive collection of trinkets, books and other objects related to my niche obsessions
IDK what to do with that knowledge, but it feels nice to finally confirm what I knew all along.
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I've tried every ssri and snri and not one of them helped me, so now they're trying antipsychotics on me
seroquel made me hallucinate, puke, and sleep so hard my roommate had to literally violently shake me awake out of fear that I had od'd on something after not leaving my room for two days, so now my doc wants me to try vraylar
she highly suspects I'm bipolar
anyone know what I'm about to get into this time?
I suffer from social phobia for 10 years now.
It was ok for past few years, I still couldn't do much but it's getting better and better.
Now, three weeks ago my phobia suddenly gets worse, idk why. I only go for a walk with dog.
I noticed that i'm way more scared on these walks than before, to the point that feeling become unbearable.
Unfrotunataly, I got a fucking panic attack in one of these walks. I thought I could handle it and I will get better.
I just came back from a walk, I got another panic attack and it was even worse.
My body and my mind can't even take even a small amount of stress and anxiety now. I immediately feel really dizzy and I want to scream and cry.
My last panic attack was like 7 years ago… idk what happened.
I go to the therpaist but she isn't that helpful, like thousands of different therapist that I met before.
I don't take any pills now, because my condition was good and there was improvement. Also, pills never helped me in any way…
I don't know what to do anymore, I tried by myself to heal past wounds and traumas, meditation, inner child work and even fucking LoA.
I was also in group therapies.
I want to help myself but I don't know what to do anymore. I WANT to get better but fucking how?
It was good until now… why it must be like this…
Any ideas how to deal with anxiety and panic attacks? I need help…
Also, sorry for my english.
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How do you differ paranoia from anxiety? I have been diagnosed with some forms of anxiety throughout my life and now have landed on "adjustment disorder," the medication and therapy help and ward my symptoms off.
I still notice this lurking irrational fear. I thought someone had placed a camera in my apartment and that they were watching me, or that someone is always listening, I keep my curtains closed for the majority of the time because I don't want anyone to watch me. Seems irrational, I'm concerned.
For me, paranoia appears like the belief that people are conspiring against me, or the fear that people can hear my thoughts. Anxiety is a lesser form of that, like worrying about what other people are thinking, or what their intentions are.
I think the fact that you noted those thoughts as irrational is key, because it means you are aware of them, and have a certain understanding of your own mental state.
In my layman's opinion paranoia is a warning sign that your mind may be headed down a dark path, and it would be good for you to express yourself to a professional or a friend if you can.
Doublepost but I have bipolar 1 and I know what you mean about auditory hallucinations. I'm medicated enough at this point where they aren't a problem but I honestly feel like that's my brain's default state.
I will say that being someone with bipolar you should try to observe the nature of your thoughts and express them to others. If you don't you're at risk for self harm.
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Is it possible to have both bipolar and BPD or are they over-diagnosing me? "Mood disorder" was added to my notes after an emergency psych eval this past Oct and I was put on meds for bipolar (a ton of Seroquel — 300mg for someone 5'3" and 95 lbs at the time — for way too long until it ruined my quality of life; first Lexapro and now Lamictal) — I am now only on Lamictal) and it works just fine. My therapist is still undecided on if I'm actually bipolar or not but I did have two hypomanic episodes in the span of about 2 months before getting on meds following a very traumatic experience that I overshared abt on here awhile back. I have not had any extreme episodes of either hypomania or depression since starting my meds, which makes me wonder if they're working or if I'm possibly going to be misdiagnosed with bipolar at some point soon. After my stay in the hospital, they also diagnosed me with anorexia as well but luckily it's "in remission" now because that's what I went to the hospital for in the first place: I'd rapidly lost a ton of weight in 1.5m and could barely even walk; my bosses took me to lunch one day and told me I had to get a physical by Tuesday of the following week (so a week to do so) because they were worried about the state of my heart since I was having severe panic attacks every single day, sometimes multiple. But by that weekend I'd gone so far downhill so rapidly that I wound up in the hospital.
It is possible and I know someone who was diagnosed with both. If you were having mood episodes and your bipolar meds successfully treated them, then you do probably have something
aside from BPD. BPD alone does not cause extended episodes. BPD swings are intense but short lived and usually caused by a specific trigger
. They only last minutes to hours. Extreme moods lasting days or months is indeed more characteristic of bipolar.
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My suicidal urges have been bad recently, I keep thinking about it every day multiple times a day and not just when I'm upset. I have BPD and a few other things but the personality disorder is the worst. Lots of things make me want to die like getting older (I'm nearly 27) and if I hear about someone famous who died I get kind of envious, like I can see my own suicide failing and I just wish it was that easy for me to not live anymore. I keep googling methods but really I just wish someone would come along and shoot me. What do I do?
Don't do it, if anyone finds out and you didn't die, they will throw you down the psychiatry hole and every facet of your life will worsen.
All you can do besides the same shit literally everyone tells you is to find what ever shit assed mental health facilities your insurance covers, make appointments at all of them, and then pick whichever one works best. If it's not the first one, tell them to fuck off, try the second one, just go down the list like that.
Once they actually see you, make it clear, but not by outright saying it, that you need to be seen by an actual psychiatrist. If they're any good, they'll automatically refer you to one, if not, tell them to go fuck themselves and go to the next appointment and try there. When you get seen by an actual psychiatrist, then you can finally get medication.
You do not ever want to be caught in a failed suicide.
I know it's still miserable fucking advice, but this is all that life is. If they give you the right drugs, maybe you can at least ride out the rest of the storm.
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But I'm already in the psychiatry hole. I see a therapist and psychiatrist who says I have severe mental illness. But I will say that I'm meant to take the maximum dose of zoloft and a small dose of antipsychotics, neither of which I'm doing consistently at all.
Alright, welp, that fucking sucks.
I mean at this point, all you can do is take the meds on the schedule they're prescribed, and once your doctors all know you've done that for a month, (unless you've been telling them you are already, which is fine tbh)then you can start indicating that it isn't working and what you need is something to combat "bouts of uncontrollable energy." You can make that energy depression, anxiety, rage, or impulsive spending/gambling. As always, never say anything outright because this system is a clown circus and you have to jump through flaming clown hoops to get fucking help.
I am really god damn sorry, this whole thing is fucking awful and stupid.
If they still won't help you, honestly, try marijuana
Have you tried changing your diet? I find that eating low carb, high fat really calms me down. I also drink a lot of fish oil.
Yoga also really helps. There yoga with Adrienne on YouTube.
Swimming is also great if you have access to a pool.
I think I'm getting paranoid. I only had your classic autism+depression+anxiety combo, but since december I've became totally hypochondric and I get cancer scares all the time. First I thought I had a tumor somewhere in my brain or ear canal because of hearing loss in one ear and headaches. I had an MRI done and there was nothing except sinusitis. Then I accidentally saw a video of a woman in her late 40s or 50s who had to have her nose amputated because she got nasal cancer. I started reading about it and getting paranoid that, despite the fact it's pretty rare, it will happen to me. I had nightmares about living with a hole in my face or having my face eaten by cancer and dying in terrible pain. I started spending even more money on doctors, but of course, they couldn't find anything else in my nose except swelling from allergy. I keep telling myself that having that constant inflamation and infections in my nose and sinuses raises the risk of getting nasal/sinus cancer in the future. I also have TMJ and I often experience pain in my jaw. So there's another thought "what if I get jaw cancer and get it diagnosed too late because I will assume all the painful sensations are just TMJ symptoms?" I'm also afraid of getting mouth/tongue cancer. Generally speaking, I'm constantly afraid something will eat my face. I can think about it for the entire day. I get panic attacks and I can't sleep, sometimes I don't eat either. My brain goes like "even if you don't have it now, you WILL definitely get it sometime in the future, so there's no point in even taking care of yourself now, you will lose your face anyway". I feel too scared to do any skin care routine. I feel like there's no point in taking care of my face. There's also this thought that if I ever make an effort to look pretty, I'm going to be "punished" for it. I'm too scared to do anything in order to like my body, especially my face, because if I get sick, it will be even more traumatic to experience losing my beauty. I'm dissociating from my body to cope. Idk what to do, I can't talk about it to anyone irl because I know no one will take me seriously. And if I go to a psychiatrist they will just prescribe me drugs that probably won't help me anyway, just like all the drugs that were supposed to help me with my depression
Hi, anons. I have BPD and have been managing my symptoms quite well with DBT and medications. Now, even without medications, I'm tentatively going to say I can still manage it well.
My psychiatrist also diagnosed with with Bipolar Type II a while ago, but I never gave it much thought because I felt my BPD was a far bigger issue. It was, but now that I can manage a lot of the symptoms, I realize his diagnosis of Bipolar II has a lot of merit. See, I'll be productive for a week or two, then I'll fall into depressive episodes where all I can do is stay in bed. I can manage myself okay, but it's like I fall off completely. Is there any way to manage this? I've been off my antidepressant for 2 months now and my mood stabilizer, I'm waiting for it to show up in my mailbox. I also take two antipsychotics, seroquel (as needed), and risperidone (daily and as-needed). Are there ways to combat the depressive phases? I find it so hard to get up out of bed, mostly. I don't know how to explain it. It's like a prison.
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I can't remember several years of my childhood and teens and it fucks with me. Obviously I remember the shit I've learned like math and how to drive but barely anything that I did or what was going on in my life, my clearest memories are things that I imagined or just me crying and hiding. I hope it's because my life was just really mundane and boring and that made me cry but I don't know because I can't even remember whether nothing was going on? I grew up in a neglectful home so maybe I just didn't make any memories because almost no one was interacting with me? The few memories I do have feel like I'm watching them in the third person and like they happened to someone else. I feel like such a weird asshole when a new friend asks me to open up and talk about my life growing up because I can't come up with anything to tell them. Is this a normal brain thing or am I losing it sisters?
Does anyone else have intense feelings of despair or get worse suicidal ideation when working? I'm not bad at work, I'm great at masking and putting on an act for customer service, and sometimes I can turn my brain off for a bit. But when I get home and have to mentally prepare myself for my next shift, I just feel like I want to die. I can't stop wondering how my much older coworkers are still alive. The feelings snowball even more because I feel like such a loser for not being able to put up with a little bit of work. I'm not even full-time, I'm barely making it through my shifts, and the only reason I have been is because of my ADHD medication.
Possibly related is I might have undiagnosed autism/aspergers. My appointment to find out is all the way in December, I just want to know so I can find more specific coping mechanisms or help. Among other issues, it makes me feel horrifically lonely and I feel like I'll never have a successful relationship or success with life in general (like college, career, etc).
Shit is just dark right now and I don't know how to claw my way out. It's only going to get worse soon, because my grandma is dying of cancer. She's the only person I have a normal familial relationship with, and I adore her to bits. I don't know how I'm going to handle her being gone.
Sorry for the blogpost. I feel like everyone I care about is getting annoyed with me so I've been bottling things up.>>180970
I'm a little bit similar, sometimes other people will have to remind me of my own memories. When I don't want to remember anything, sometimes old, painful memories will resurface anyways (like your crying and hiding). Nowadays I feel like almost everything I remember that isn't from the past 3-4 years happened to someone else entirely, or a past life. Neglect is still trauma. I'm sorry I don't have any better answers for you, but you're not alone.
Haven't posted before, so here goes…
I've been struggling with bipolar 2 for, fuck, seven years and we finally found a combo of meds that works somewhat for me and my depressive episodes, which have been constant.
After that, I was transferred due to internal changes in the structure of the hospital and had a new psychiatrist that doesn't know me and basically said all my problems with sleep (that started after quitting olanzapine) are because I'm not regular enough in my living habits. My husband was shocked since I'm super anal about stuff like that and it made me literally cry, I was so upset.
Now I'm waiting to speak to a psych nurse for the first time in 3 months (she also doesn't know me, though she is a nice lady and was kind of shocked that I have nothing to help me sleep) so I can complain about how tired I am even though I don't feel depressed. I just feel like I'm at the mercy of my fatigue and since quitting olanzapine I started having my periods again with horrible PMS, migraines, and joint pains. I just am at a loss about what to do.
I guess I'll go see a doctor about the periods and migraines and hope for some kind of solution since my psychiatrist doesn't take me seriously.
It just makes me so fucking mad to have changed my life habits, put in the work (changing my diet, reaching out to people, distancing my mother, sleeping as regularly as I'm able to, and even try and do exercise, though I've been too tired to do much of that, what with sleeping for 16 hours a day, etc.) for some man tell me I'm not doing enough. Fuck him.
I wish I wasn't on disability and could afford something else than public healthcare. I miss the last psychiatrist I had, she was no bullshit (told me to get my shit together with diet, relationships, exercise, etc.) but still took my complaints seriously. I just feel like I haven't been heard and understood, I'm the model patient, I take my meds, I do as I'm told and it isn't working and I'm frustrated. I don't have depression and hypomania, but I'm too fucking tired and hurting all the time to achieve anything and I'd like to start studying next fall. Ugh. Cheer me up?
I think part of it is acknowledging that you don't necessarily need to stop having feelings for your ex? Even the worst people usually have some decent qualities, and those are the things we clung to before getting out. It's not wrong to recognize there were good times as well as bad so long as you don't fall back into feeling you need to trade one for the other. Have you worked much on yourself since the relationship ended? Therapy, workbooks, hobbies, anything? I think having an outlook where you're willing to accept abuse is something that needs to be directly addressed rather than just assuming you're better because you left. That is, you can recognize and avoid negative behaviors now, but that doesn't necessarily mean you've truly let them go in your head. I'm not blaming you for the abuse, but the fact you're still craving the exciting aspects shows you have a somewhat maladaptive view of "love." I'm still working on this myself, but for me it's been useful to replace the emotional intensity I had with my ex with activities that are also exciting but healthier. (Rock climbing, surfing, solo travel, dance.) Preferably something that gets you a bit outside your comfort zone for the endorphin rush. The intensity with my ex wasn't intimacy
, it was an addictive pattern that got me hooked because it distracted from the numbness and pain in my personal life. Those feelings were rooted in my own issues and self image which I needed to face, even though he exacerbated them. The more fulfillment and enthusiasm you can develop on your own, the less you'll feel like you need to rely on him to get those feelings.
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What are some ways I can improve my anxiety day-to-day from home? I cannot afford to go to therapy in my country. I do however want to implement some strategies at home as I sit around all day depressed and after finishing a big load of uni work I don't know what to do with myself and feel guilty I'm not doing something. Video games/TV shows filled the void for a bit but now I get distracted after 10 minutes and turn them off. What helps you fellow anxiety anons?
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I have intrusive thoughts that always try to convince me I'm an evil person / sociopath.
I will look back at all my interactions and feel like I was just putting on an act to use / manipulate people because I am inherently evil and selfish.
I'm not a perfect person but I try to be honest and kind to people who treat me that way too. It sucks because even though I'm aware of these thoughts and think they're untrue they're really hard to stop and not get pulled into.
Im dealing with pmdd as well. At the beginning I thought I'm bipolar. Then I discovered that its linked to my menstrual cycle. Through observing my feelings then and really going through them my pmdd gets gradually better. It was so bad that I've cut myself, cried every time when looking into the mirror and a deep sense of hopelessness. Now I'm pissed af sometimes at the time I would normally sit in the shower ugly crying and thinking about the last words I'm going to tell my loved ones.
Also I started to tell myself when its time for my crazy that yes its really really bad now and its ok to cry
A lot of these people are toxic
. By which I mean they're the kind of people to gaslight and manipulate situations to absolve their responsibility. Every single one of these people have abused me and my trust in some way and I don't owe them an explanation anymore. They know what they did and they don't deserve a grand farewell. I wont give them the courtesy they denied me
Does exposure to anxiety stressors help to reduce it? Because it never fucking works in my case. I'm >>178874
So I go for a walk with dog as always. It get a little better after some time. I thought, that it's getting better but now, 3-2 days ago it get worse again. Walking with dog now is unbearable… I don't have panic attacks (yet) but I feel very dizzy and my body is paralyzed and I can't walk.
It's been fucking MONTH, why the fuck it got worse again? For no fucking reason? Why didn't I get better, even thought I had been walking for a month now.
I'm so fucking done. I'm a fucking adult and I can't function like one.>>180295
Sorry anon, for some reason I haven't seen your post. I'm on a gluten-free, lactose-free, zero sugar diet now. I was on a low carb diet but saw no improvement. Honestly I don't like yoga that much but I do exercise at home, and when my anxiety isn't that high, I go for a walk alone to the park.
lol I feel u anon… it's always over the most insignificant shit.
I had a small meltdown over gaining 2 pounds and I'm so fucking sick of having an ED. I'm too scared to tell someone in rl about it bc I feel like they're just going to take it away from me and then I'll have to live the rest of my life content with being chubs
I'm not bpd but I got out of a bad relationship a few years ago and after some time processing the whole thing I ended up watching a bunch of vids on youtube where professionals talk about recognizing signs of abuse and why some people are more vulnerable to it. Bpds and npds came up alot.
The fear of abandonment that bpds have appeals to npds because it feeds their ego whenever a partner begs them not to leave. The npd will purposely go cold with you from time to time.. in a planned manner, knowing most bpds will desperately cling in response. Then that becomes a cycle and its repeated til the npd grows bored or finds someone new to start it on.
Yep. And then it gets really confusing with combo clusters of both npd/bpd or related traits.
Ego/self and personal security… DBT needs to be taught in schools.
I have such a hard time dealing with this. I don't have friends nor do I know how to maintain friendships or relationships, I don't think I will ever be close with anyone except family. >>160499
I'm so sorry about that, anon. people truly suck ass. this is why I'm always afraid to talk about my mental issues.
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I’m signing up to do ketamine for the first time, are there any anons who have tried it and have experiences/tips? I’ve dealt with increasingly worse depression since I was 10 and have tried bout everything else. The doc says 40-70% of people see significant improvement which is getting me hopeful though I try not to hope. But I’ve never done any recreational drugs before (not even alcohol) and have only had surgery anesthesia a couple times, so I’m kinda nervous to go tripping out.
Are you doing a micro dose that's just for depression, or are you going to 'do ketamine' in the same way people who take it recreationally do?
If it's just a tiny bit to combat depression, you probably won't feel much, since you only need very little for that. Maybe you'll be a little dizzy, but anything you do feel won't last for more than 45 minutes to an hour, and won't be intense at all. Like the other anon said maybe bring some music, but as long as you aren't taking a recreational dosage there's not much to worry about.
ugh i've been diagnosed with adhd and anxiety but i'm like 99% sure i have some bpd or emotional dysregulation type shit
am i crazy i have like this friend who idk i hate and resent and am jealous of but also need to know if she's online or not, succeeding in life or not, what she's doing, if she's doing 'better' than me, have also masturbated to her and it's just this crazy relationship with a person that's prolly all in my head, like she doesn't give half a fuck about it probably and that's the worst part, like she's genuinely been shitty to me in the past - been dismissive, judgmental, bitched about me and i made a vow to like just not talk to her cuz it fucking fucks up my entire day and head and i hate how much power my brain gives her. recently she mentioned she was gonna go on a trip to some farmhouse place that belongs to a fam friend and i immediately started feeling so resentful and angry and mad cuz i feel like she's gonna get the 'nature' hoe experience and she casually mentioned 'you can come' and i just kinda ignored it because it would break my 'just fucking ignore her n let it go' feels but i know it's gonna kill me to see her 'enjoying nature' or woteva and that's what i wanna do too and i don't have any rich friends with houses in the hills and this feels like a ticket to go there but since i already ignored the q i don't wanna pm her and be like 'when r u going ill try to come' like i just feel like i have to go so she doesn't get to go alone and have a great solitude experience while i rot at home. now i can't do anything else because like i want her to ask me again (i don't wanna ask her cuz i ignored the last q) but what if she doesn't and just goes and i don't even get a chance to say yes when i kinda do really wanna go now? i don't wanna say anything immediately cuz i don't wanna sound desperate like i'm thinking about it and i was trying to maintain this 'not bothered/cut her off' persona and this would break it fucking hell i mean it would be ideal to wait for a week and see what happens but i can't think about anything else rn this is crazy, and i hate myself for being so sucked into this
what's the fucking issue, that i can't see people 'winning' or doing better than me? that my life sucks and i have no opportunities while everyone around me does? like it really feels like this is my chance to go enjoy some nice place with nice vibes and that's kinda what i want my future to look like/my dream future and i'm so resentful of her living that out that i feel like i need to be there and there's no other option for me, and cuz we're technically friends (if she only knew half these thots i have about her lol), it's NBD right?
idk if this is a vent thread or what but i just need to let out these vile jealous crazy bitch thoughts somewhere or i will die
obligatory disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or anything, just some rando on the internet who's also been diagnosed with ADHD and who's read a fair amount of the scientific literature on ADHD to better manage my condition
Emotional dysregulation is not officially in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, but many professionals studying ADHD believe it should be added because it is seen in a large number of adult cases. This article https://chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-news-adults/emotions-feel-like-too-much-it-could-be-a-symptom-of-adhd/
and this one https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4282137/
explain it in more detail, and it sounds like what you're describing.
As for your friend-obsession, I'm not really sure what to tell you. Have you tried blocking her on social media/any platform she can contact you, including blocking her number? That might not help as much if you still have to see her irl, but it could at least temporarily remove her from your mind. Whether or not she actually is more successful than you or whatever, it doesn't sound like keeping tabs on her is doing you any favors, especially if she wasn't a good friend to you in the past.
bpd-anons, is it possible to have anxiety/social phobia/avoidant pd and BPD at the same time??
Always had intense social anxiety & GAD but used to be able to make some friends and be outgoing: I could give myself confidence by secretly doing a load of "bad things", which I'm worried is actually BPD:
(after being abused from birth by my fucked up parents)
-compulsively lying, stealing, cheating, getting away with it 99% of the time
-enjoying saying incredibly mean things about people
-self harming & faking illness (despite having a real chronic illness which I always kept secret & untreated despite it being diagnosed)
-very strong empathy but only using it to make people see me the right way, or give me something
-hating myself but still feeling superior to everyone, totally self obsessed but very self aware
-Always needing to have a secret, like secretly smoking indoors when I could've gone outside, secret drinking/drugs at work etc despite not being addicted, secretly stealing from friends (to watch them regret being stolen from & not know it was me), secretly starving myself
-taking huge risks/impulsive life-changing decisions just because I'm upset, normally I'm very cautious
-Having no boundaries on purpose and letting myself be abused when I could've prevented it, just for the drama
-Did something so bad to my best friend (and first gay crush) that her family moved house, she knew it was me but nobody believed her. Still don't know why I did it & I miss her.
-I can't watch someone be in physical pain/crying though, love kids & animals, never attacked anyone, always avoided being arrested, not a psychopath I swear
Anyway I was only able to socialise and feel confident while I did this shit, which would always blow up in my face in the end and I'd need to cut off everyone who'd got a glimpse of the real me (or be cut off myself, been literally called evil before). Did this over and over until I'd lost everyone, changed schools multiple times etc.
When I fell in love with my boyfriend I swore I'd stop all these behaviours so he wouldn't ever find out who I really am & leave me. Never loved anyone before and this time I actually managed to stop the worst shit, apart from some blips, but I lost all my confidence. I can only be outgoing if nobody in the situation knows me & then I go straight back on my bullshit. Being a stranger is like having freedom to be myself (evil), and nowadays I use that idea as an excuse to never meet new people. I don't want to be like this. I'm too old for this shit (30), and I'm so alone, despite being successful in my very isolated career. I actually switched careers to avoid having to meet people because socialising is impossible for me unless I'm channelling Ted Bundy.
yeah I know this is long but you're the only ones I can tell nonnies. am I BPD, if so what do
I commend you for you honesty nonnie
. Could be bipolar/BPD overlap tbh. Impulsive, feel like you need to keep secrets, having a social vs. private face, lack of boundaries, etc.
Tbh I'd seek out a professional instead of asking lc. If you're introspective enough to recognize your fucked up traits, it's time to go a bit further and find the root cause so that you can address these bits of you and rework them so that you're not hurting people. Find healthy ways to redirect your tendencies. (I mean if you enjoy saying bad things about people, I suppose channeling that into gossip sites like this is healthier than bringing that behavior into your irl social sphere.)
Best of luck on reigning that behavior in! Sounds like a nightmare to live in! It isn't sustainable.
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On my psych np's orders, I went from 37.5 mg of Effexor to 0, and holy shit. I have been almost completely out of commission for three days now with what is basically the flu combined with a chemically-induced acute depressive episode.
I managed to drag myself to work on thurs and fri, but I was completely unproductive. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I'm not feeling better by Monday. (Being a mental healthlet, I don't currently have any sick days to spare.)
How the fuck are these sort of withdrawal symptoms acceptable in a drug?? If I could stand to be on my feet for more than 5 minutes, I'd be coming for the makers of this drug I s2g
My ex was an extreme BPDfag and could've written this so yeah, you probably are. The self sabotage, weird mix of no self esteem yet still arrogant, pathological lying, risk taking and wanting to fuck people over but also wanting them to like you. All I can say is that you cannot fix your problems by just willing them away. I promise you. You need to follow a system and commit to working on it every. Single. Day. Don't get comfortable or else you will
backslide. Ideally get therapy with someone who specializes in BPD, but if that's too intimidating or too expensive, look into DBT workbooks. Dr. Daniel Fox is another good resource, he has a full series of free videos on managing BPD on Youtube.
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update for anyone that sees this in the future: my symptoms were getting better, but verrry slowly. I decided to get back on the Effexor and resume the taper. 37.5 mg is the smallest dose of the XR version, so I've been opening up the capsules and counting out pellets with a toothpick. I've resumed at 12mg a day, and while I'm still slightly symptomatic (mild headaches, dizziness when walking), I'm no longer incapacitated and I can do my work.
Note: the pellet thing isn't safe for all medications. Check with ur doctor if you're considering doing something similar, blah blah
this made me feel better about my BPD. But I can relate to the high you get off of hurting/fucking someone over. The guilt usually gets to me first though.
First step is realizing you have a problem. I'd recommend therapy. I also think you should be honest with your boyfriend. If you love him he deserves to know what he's getting into. Don't just drop the crazy on the guy. If he runs let him go. Don't manipulate the situation to be the victim
. Infact, you should try vilianizing yourself more, the bad feels you get from actually admitting your shit will stick with you, and then it will be less and less fun.
Reserve the Ted Bundy energy for people who actually deserve it (yes they do exist. Some people are scum)
Hey nona! I've actually never met another schizotypal gal, that's quite extraordinary.
How is your daily life, how do you manage? Do you have irl friends?
Currently, I'm trying to force myself out of the vicious cycle that long term isolation is, because it has REALLY taken a toll on my cognitive capabilities, especially my speech. One of my biggest insecurities is that I feel like a proper retard every time I talk to somebody in real life, because I get nervous, and can never find the right words in time, so I word-salad instead, trail off, stutter and stumble over every sentence.
A friend keeps asking me to meet up, but I always put it off, because just the thought of it makes me cringe, even though it would be the perfect opportunity for me to practice.
It's so ironic being born the most social creature in the world, but your brain and gut instinctually detests socialization, because it feels unnatural. I wish I was born a sparrow or something
any anons take citalopram (Celexa?). I've got a script but am scared to take it, mainly due to sexual side effects, gaining weight, etc. I also can't afford to be mentally foggy at my job.
Mainly prescribed it for social anxiety and extreme introversion. I want to be one of those people who desires to be social, and apparently SSRIs can help with that. I can go without social interaction for weeks and be perfectly fine, but I don't want to be this way.
Hey anon. I'm not on it anymore (or any psych med – I needed it to get over a bout of extreme agoraphobia) but I feel pretty good about my experience with citalopram. I was also afraid of mental fog, but that wasn't a problem. It did make orgasm harder, but not actually impossible – I couldn't make it happen for like one or two months, but I got there soon afterward, and it ended up just being a thing that took slightly more time. I did gain some weight, but to be honest, that could be because I was living with my ex at the time, whose shit diet influenced mine. Even then, it wasn't much, and it came off easily. All in all, I'm happy with it. It stopped having as much of an effect after about a year, but I'd built the new brain connections I wanted to and going off it was easy.
>>200277>I've never met another schizotypal gal, that's quite extraordinary
true and neither have I. I think schizotypals in general are rare, but also I think we tend to be stealthy
>How is your daily life, how do you manage? Do you have irl friends?
I don't have IRL friends sadly, even though ideally I would like them. I don't know how to maintain friendships, almost all of my friendships in the past have been incredibly toxic
and one sided, if they weren't they were just short lived. not only is maintaining friendships hard but I am really paranoid, the closer I get to people the more paranoid I get about what they're thinking about me (with the exception of family). I do a lot of stuff with my sister.
>One of my biggest insecurities is that I feel like a proper retard every time I talk to somebody in real life, because I get nervous, and can never find the right words in time, so I word-salad instead, trail off, stutter and stumble over every sentence.
girl I do the same thing!! I'm always having imaginary conversations in my head, and in there I'm so well spoken…. but then when I go to actually talk it's a bunch of fumbling, a bunch of word salad and a bunch of "ummm" and "like"
>A friend keeps asking me to meet up, but I always put it off, because just the thought of it makes me cringe, even though it would be the perfect opportunity for me to practice.
I kinda know the feeling, I started to become friends with this one girl at work, and even though I'd get excited to see her I would also feel really tense about it. she moved to a different store though and I haven't heard from her since.
and I've also had similar thoughts about being born a human. like in the past I've thought I should have been born a fox or something.
Anon is the realest - thank you for your honesty. It's helped me accept my similar but not identical traits. Anons may judge you, but they're in denial. They're here, aren't they?!
I wish you love and happiness
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>>200650>They're here, aren't they?!
I do appreciate her honesty, but some of the things she admits to are literal crazy bitch behavior. Sure, we all probably have simultaneous superiority and inferiority complexes, but I guarantee that 95% of us are not this unstable and self-destructive. Openly sabotaging others and attention-seeking to this degree is really, really abnormal behavior, and it's very odd that you seem to think otherwise.
What you consider odd is what people need to realize they're in denial about. Especially with narcs and their victims
- acknowledging and accepting evil bitch traits is impossible to someone whose self- worth literally depends on their inflated superiority. It would destroy their will to live of they were to see themselves 'the same' as their abuser/s.
I'm not on the same spectrum of 'un/conscious evil anon', but I have met and attracted these girls my whole life. I have internalized a lot of their abuse as they would emotionally/sexually/physically abuse me and then quickly gaslight when confronted because they would refuse to understand/accept that they too have inflicted pain, just like their abuser. Self victimization is more accessible than accountability when the person has zero self worth. We see it all the time in /snow and /pt.
I'm also over 30 and the girls I grew up with were raised in the 80s. Life was different. Abuse wasn't talked about like it is now. There was no validation for bravery in speaking out. With attention seeking and validating the trauma defense for likes, people are in denial on how they are contributing to the same cycle of abusive
Trauma, abandonment, and narcissism: Nice girls can be jacky&hydes too. If she can sit with herself and not run away from her toxicity, great! Even better if she wants to be better.
Besides, The world needs more machiavellian women when we're getting gaslit by entitled scrotal narcs on a global scale.
Read the thread.
And see >>197935
for the op.
I attribute it to being a daughter of a narcissist who didn't let me feel my own feelings or emotions when they happened… I was conditioned early to think about others before I whine/cry.
The culture has also made an unspoken precident that white girl problems should be reduced and refocused on the how worse other more marginalized people have it. Social conditioning if your online alot.
It all adds up.
I hope that you find unconditional inner compassion for what you are feeling, no matter how small you want to reduce ur feelings. Your inner voice says "you shouldn't feel so bad" maybe to keep making you feel small, belittled and unworthy of compassion. Shut that b up, give yourself a hug and be there for your self how you would want to be cared for.
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samefag sorry. just venting at this point.
I used to self harm and my urges have been coming back lately, but I only want to cut my breasts and stomach. which is retarded and will just make me feel worse about it than I do. I remember having a really bad moment as a teenager where I cut my breasts, stomach, and face. luckily the face didn't scar at all and the scars on my breasts are pretty hard to see. but the ones on my stomach are very noticeable and raised, regret that one so much
Diagnosed: ADHD, depression, bipolar (I doubt this one tbh)
My parents kicked me out when I was 18 and now that I've had two years out of their control I'm starting to recognize the trauma they caused (just typing that out feels stupid tbh).
My stepdad used to beat and verbally abuse me. He was like a ticking time bomb; sometimes I pissed him off and deserved it, sometimes he would seemingly snap for no reason. It took living with my bf who has never once raised his voice at me to figure out that this feeling of safety is what normal people have.
Whenever a man yells at me I start crying and can't breathe. I don't really know how to explain it but it's like I go back to an exact moment my stepdad was about to beat me and it feels like I'm trapped there, I become terrified and frantic. My heart starts racing and I curl up defensively like I used to, and I'm usually emotionally numb for a while afterwards and end up SHing in some way. Every single time, for as long as I can remember. It's happened at work, school, anywhere I may encounter a man, so I rarely leave the house now.
Because of this and just generally being a sack of shit who can't socialize, I don't have any friends. I used to talk in Discord servers but I cringed at every attempt to socialize I made and it felt like I couldn't pick up on sarcasm or conversation flow at all so I don't do that anymore. I used to have a job but I quit. I tried going to college but I couldn't handle it and dropped out.
I will never be a normal, sane person with a normal life and it's killing me. If I didn't do all the cooking and chores for my bf to make up for being a NEET I'd probably just lay in bed all day every day until I rot. I guess I could try therapy or something but I don't know how to start that, I can't even make a fucking phone call at this point.
Sorry for the long retarded but this is literally the only place I can talk at this point and writing all my bullshit out for the first time feels kind of nice
Yes, you need therapy. If you can't make the phone call, ask your boyfriend to do it.
You can work through your trauma and slowly go back to a life where you make friends, go out with them, study and work. Just go slowly and have patience.
I became known to mental health services last October after a suicide attempt. I cut my arm open so bad that I passed out and had to have emergency surgery. I was told that the wound gaped six inches wide before they sewed me back up.
The liaison team told me that I probably had BPD and I got put in a programme that's basically DBT with a different label. They told me that if I took that course and took the medication, it would change my life permanently for the better. I tried to kill myself twice more since then, ended up being resuscitated both times. One attempt was this time last week, I wrote DO NOT RESUSCITATE all over my body and took a huge OD. I don't remember most of the last week. I honestly feel violated by the unwanted medical treatment. I have bleary memories of being left, tits akimbo, on a hospital bed in a corridor because they'd cut through my top to give me an ECG. I remember mumbling that I was embarrassed and trying to cover myself and some mean nurse saying "Why? This is what happens when you do silly things like this". They took all my clothes except my underpants and left me in a backless robe walking around, I remember asking over and over again in my delirium if I could have some clothes. The other time I was revived I had catheters and rectal exams without my permission, and later a guard tackled me when I was confused and ended up ripping out the catheter and I was told I might need surgery to repair the damage. He damaged my back so badly I've been crippled and on tramadol and gabapentin for eight months to cope with the resulting nerve damage. I got sectioned and another patient sexually assaulted me during a psychotic episode.
I'm just so tired. The DBT isn't doing anything, it's just techniques to calm down and problem solve. I already know how to do that shit because I am an adult. But all this medical intervention is just ultimately making me worse. I feel like the last year has been so traumatic, I can't even think about it without getting unspeakably upset. I've been raped before, and the upset feels very similar to me; the complete loss of bodily autonomy, how you stop being a person and become an object, nobody listening to you, shame, embarrassment, pain. Nobody being held accountable. I don't know if this is an experience anybody else can relate to.
Anyway the DBT, it just teaches you to cope, and I asked "when do we move on to the part that helps us unlearn the trauma responses that cause us this distress and make us incompatible with the world?" and the psychologist said "oh that's beyond the scope of DBT, you'd probably need something else and might need to go private".
I feel like I've been lied to. None of this takes the awful pain away, it just makes you less of a burden to other people. Nobody cares how you feel. It's all about reducing the impact of BPD on the health budget.
I don't even think I have BPD, I don't meet the criteria. I actively avoid people and try not to depend on them at all emotional. I don't act out. I just keep hurting myself and trying to commit suicide, and I'm a woman, so the WHO assumes I'm BPD and need DBT but nobody is listening to me, not that I ever expected them to. I think I just learnt that the world is painful and I don't want any part in it. It's a choice I'm making, that I don't want to live my entire life just "coping", but they keep me alive just to continue to keep me suffering. I was naïve to think somebody like me could be healed, I'm a scrap of shit. It's just cruel to keep reviving me and sectioning me. I want the big sleep.
Please help me. Please help me. I'm in so much pain and I don't know why. What is actually wrong with me? I don't know who I'm even writing to, but please please help me.
Anon, the way you've reacted to the shit you've gone through–the anxiety, the panic, the self-loathing–prove that you ARE a sane person. All of your issues are really rational responses to being put through the shit you were put through. That doesn't mean they feel great, or that they're not causing you pain, or that they're irreversible. But you lived life under fucking siege, and your brain grew things like a panic response to yelling men to protect you. That makes complete fucking sense. Even when you think you "deserved" abuse for behaving in whatever way you're remembering, you never did. You have always been doing the best you can, even if you don't see it that way.
Anon, your words are so heavy with shame, and you deserve to be free of it. The "even typing that out felt stupid tbh"–I think everyone on this board understands that little flinch of shame and desire to be like "ugh jfc shut up self." But you DID sustain trauma, and all the shit things in the world that make you feel dramatic/stupid/whatever for naming it that way are wrong. You are doing the best you can in extreme circumstances. You deserve better. And it's a lot more possible than you think. Please seek therapy.
Anon I don't know that I have any words of advice, just wanted to say that I feel your pain and I am so sorry you have been through such trauma and that you are in such agony. I have been in and out of therapy for many many years including psych wards and residential treatments and while I have never had such awful experiences as you, I understand and relate to a lot of what you are saying.
Is there any option for you to discontinue the DBT program, or at least seek therapy from someone who actually knows what they're doing in addition to the program? For me personally, it took a really long time to find actually good therapists to aid me in my journey. I had too many know nothing "counselors" before I actually spoke with legitimate doctors and specialists. And I had to find ones that understood what I was looking for, I didn't want to learn "coping skills," I didn't want band-aids, I wanted to get to the root of my problems and figure out WHY I was the way I was and sort through that shit first and foremost. It seems like that's what you're looking for too. I don't know why it's so hard to find therapists who approach therapy from that angle but I can assure you they're out there and if you're able to find one they can hopefully be of help to you. I'm not going to make it out to be some magic fix, it still took a lot of hard personal work on my end to dig through all that shit, and I was in a pretty awful place when I started doing that work, because I was uncovering all my pathologies and traumas and in a sense grieving while still experiencing the effects of those things on top of it all.
I dunno, all that to say that I think there is some hope. It was probably 10 years before I actually started approaching things in the way I should have and getting the type of help I needed, so I get the feeling of being stuck in that deep dark pit for a long, long time, but I want to think if I could do it there's hope for you too. But I also totally understand someone making the choice to not want to go through that and just end the suffering. I'm sorry you're in the place of having to figure this all out and wish good things for you anon.
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Yes. And the more I think about it the more I question the feelings themselves. It moves from "Are my feelings valid
?" to "Are my feelings even real or am I making myself feel that way? If so why? Because I want to? Because I think I should feel a certain way? WHAT EVEN IS FEELING
Are you catholic by any chance?
There's this concept in Buddhist principles, Stoicism, take your pick. You're supposed to observe your emotions rather than seeing them as representative of who you are. When you're feeling an intense emotion state to yourself "I'm feeling -emotion-" rather than thinking "I am
-emotion-." Then ask yourself logically if the emotion is helpful to you in any way and consider what you need to do to take care of the distress you're feeling. I'm sometimes overly passionate and my friend kept telling me to do this and it does help take you out of the heat of the moment so you can stop wasting your own time. For example, if I see some dumbass making sexist comments online, I know I'm not going to change his mind and getting enraged over it is stupid because it accomplishes nothing except making my own day worse. If someone I consider a friend makes a sexist comment though, I might choose to approach them once I've calmed down to see if I misunderstood or if I can change their perspective because I don't want it festering in the back of my head. If they double down on the comment, it's then on me to enforce boundaries depending on whether the good they offer makes it worth tolerating or whether I need to distance myself for my own well being. You as a person are not your emotions, you are the qualities you continually choose to prioritize and outwardly express in life. Once you start allowing yourself some separation and distance from emotions everything becomes much less stressful. They can be good indicators of meaning sometimes, but they're like a mob of rabid monkeys if left unchecked.
nonas, i need your opinions. last year i went to see a therapist for a kind of initial assessment because i strongly suspected that i might have ADHD. she said that, yes, she is 99% sure that i have ADHD and that i need meds for it, but she couldn't formally diagnose me because it was not her field of expertise. basically i got confirmation that i have a bad brain and that i should look for an expert on it. obviously this is pretty much impossible since i'm a woman and my country's mental healthcare system is completely overrun. think 500 patients per therapist, 1+ year long waiting times, etc. eventually i never got any help.
i've also started to rationalize my ADHD-like behavior. i have a hard time watching movies/tv shows because they are always so slooow and boring. but that could be because i'm used to watching anime, where episodes are only 25 minutes long and i always speed up the video to 1.3-1.5 the speed because by the time they're done talking i've read the subs like 3x already. i pace around a lot when i think or when i'm excited. but that could be because i'm usually sedentary and my body just enjoys the exercise, idk. i have a hard time focusing on school stuff, but that might be because i had to do everything at home because of the pandemic. i'm fine focusing on stuff when i'm on campus or at the library or at a café. in general i have a difficult time focusing on things that don't interest me but then again… everyone wants to do stuff that interests them. i'm also overweight and i tend to overeat (currently in the progress of losing weight) but that might be due to my mom using food as a coping mechanism and passing it on to me. i also spend money very impulsively but i grew up poor so now, when i see something i want, i buy it, because i finally have the means to afford it. lastly, i had to write my final thesis earlier this year and i did really well focusing and working when i had a very strict daily schedule. i basically did calendar blocking, went for a walk in the mornings and evenings, and put on 'outside' clothes whenever i had to work on my thesis. also, i'm able to focus on books just fine, while i often read that people with ADHD have huge difficulties reading books. i started reading again at the end of march this year and i've read almost 40 books since then. the only thing that still makes me wonder if i have ADHD is because my report cards from elementary school all sound like typical ADHD kid report cards. very fidgety, inattentive, prone to mistakes, etc.
but now i'm wondering if i might have some weird general anxiety disorder? i never thought i had anxiety of any kind but the other day i read a post by someone who said that they were always very worried about everything and it turned out that they had anxiety. which reminded me of myself. i'm incapable of not worrying about the future. not in the 'i wonder what's going to happen' kind of way, but i constantly worry about failing university and then i spiral into obsessively looking for job offerings and apartments i could rent while earning minimum wage and how i would survive and how much money i could save up so i won't end up homeless when i retire in like 50 years. it's gotten to the point that i have developed chronic stomach issues (chronic gastritis that flares up every few months when i'm very stressed out). i had several tests done and i have no bacteria or something in my stomach that causes it, it's purely a psychological issue. on the other hand, i never had panic attacks, at least not in the way other people always describe them. when i felt really anxious in public, i would just be very sweaty and my voice was shaky and my heart was racing like crazy, but it never made me pass out or anything. it also didn't happen very often.
sorry for the block of text, but what do you think? i know that there is something wrong with me because whatever is fucking with my head is affecting my physical health. i just don't know what to look into. getting a diagnosis for ADHD as a woman is incredibly difficult in my country, so i'm wondering if i should look into places that offer help for people with anxiety issues. but do my issues sound like it could be some type of anxiety??
jesus christ, i have so many of those and i'm gonna see a psychiatrist tomorrow for an adhd diagnosis (i suspect add tbh)>>201850
Fuck, I'm on Wellbutrin and it doesn't do shit for me. In fact, I think I'm less motivated than ever. I'm aware that meds work differently for everyone, but I guess I'm sad it's not a solution for me
i relate to the whole thing and it only took me 15 minutes to finally focus enough to read it fully.
i find myself relating to more and more adhd posts but the thing about is that i can’t seem to find any psychs near me and if i do none take my insurance. its hard.
Update no-one for: my depression diagnosis just got upgraded to bipolar. Got Lamictal. In 1,5 week we are gonna continue looking into the possibility of ADHD (I did a short test based on DSM for now, the DIVA one goes next).>>202244
IDK if you still need a reply but yeah, that's what I would say. You can mention reading DSM-V and people's testimonials. In my experience, doctors don't mind at all when you say that you suspect having some mental illness or personality disorder (one of my shrinks actually said that everyone has the right to self-reflect). It's only people on the internet who screech about never doing anything even midldly approaching self-diagnosis. Of course I imagine doctos would get pissed if you rejected any other possibility and just came to affirm your hypothesis, but I doubt you (or anyone else) does that.
(sage for slightly ot)
To the fellow healthy posters around: how do you cope with having to control an urge to fake ilness?
I've legitimately liked being perceived as sick for a long time now, always looking forward to get shitfaced drunk in front of people, to get the stomach bug, to get a fever, to get surgery (I was LIVID for my wisdom teeth removal), to show around my self harm, etc.
I feel like I've been conning my romantic interests to believe i've got some mental disorders to get their attention ever since I became a teen. Honestly at this point I just don't think I can truly feel empathy for someone struggling because I want to be the center of attention all the time.
My exes naturally tried to give me all kinds of armchair diagnosis, especially cluster B stuff, DPD and even aspergers (he was a bit abusive btw). I always felt a mix of joy and guilt when I got them, because I knew deep down, even though I WANT to be all those things, I'm perfectly normal and just pretending.
Honestly at this point I just don't think I can truly support someone struggling because I want to be the center of attention all the time. But I know it's reversible since I just have to stop acting.
Does anyone relate to this? How to focus on being a transparent adult instead of acting like an attwhore teenager? What therapy should fakers look for? Do we immediately disclose to the therapist our urge to fake illness?
>>202641> Do we immediately disclose to the therapist our urge to fake illness?
Yes. Therapy will never help you if you aren't open and honest with your therapist. You should try. A therapist could help you control your urges. Have you ever thought about going into the entertainment industry? Once you're better mentally, if you love attention and trying on these different disorders, I think it would be a great environment for you. All the pleasure and attention you get out of putting on an act, without the guilt of lying to people, and you can still have a normal private life outside of it. Good luck nonny
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I was going to basically write my whole life story here about my mental health woes but I decided to cut that crap out and just vent essentially about what it currently bothering me. maybe some anons can relate. in fact, I know they can since I've read similar things in this thread
in a nutshell for various reasons I've spent maybe the past ten years of my life cut off from society, like a hermit because of two reasons. the first is panic disorder and the second, which is relevant right now is this constant feeling of being judged/critiqued whenever I'm in public. I think it's called the spotlight effect but for me it doesn't just happen now and then, it happens every fucking time I leave the house. in fact it can happen sometimes even when I'm all alone! it basically feels like all eyes on are on me and are judging me. what I'm wearing, how I'm stood, what my face and hair looks like and so on and it is so fucking exhausting. I feel like a microbe under a microscope being studied, I feel like I'm on the truman show. I feel so uptight and inhibited, I can feel my body tense. I hardly ever feel natural or at ease in my body. I wonder what it must be like to just walk out the door without obsessively looking at myself in the mirror to make sure I look decent enough to go out into the world. the thing is , I know no one is actually looking at me, no one gives a shit what I'm doing but having that mindset and knowing that truth doesn't help one bit and. I've spoken to doctors about this before and one believed I have avpd
I recently started seeing somone I met on a dating app, the first guy I've been with in almost 10 years and my feelings of insecurity, of being judged and critiqued have skyrocketted. I choose dates where we just walk or see a movie so he doesn't get to look at me for too long because I feel as though he's going to see something that he finds completely unacceptable about me, realise I'm not pretty. I've recently been obsessing over my skin and hair, picking myself apart in the mirror for fucking hours at a time. yes, hours. I feel like I'm going insane from these feelings of inadequacy. I don't know how other people just live their lives without being hyperaware of themselves and of what they're doing and how other people are perceiving them but I wish I did, anons
I feel for you, nonna. I was in the same situation, still kinda am, b/c I don't have a job yet, but I've been going out of the house to run small errands and it helped me be more comfortable the next time I go out. Hope things work out for you and for your relationship.
We're rooting for you both!>>202722
Highly relatable. I feel like people can somehow instantly sense something is off about me. I worry about my body language making me look autistic, real nitpicky shit. When I'm at home alone and I know I'm home for the rest of the day that's when I become myself again and I feel good in myself and I even like myself and all the things I just spent the day worrying about. In the harsh light of day though (ie being outside around others) I feel like I shrivel up again. I stay home as much as possible for obvious reasons. I just want to feel somewhat at ease.
Thing is I don't nitpick others, lately I started trying to find flaws in others just as a practice to remind myself not everyone else on earth is perfect. That they're as human as I am and they're not sailing through life a level above me. It's tough realising you've spent your whole life placing everyone else automaticaly above you and it's sucked the pleasantness out of nearly every interaction or day out.. for nothing. It's all just perception.
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How do you feel about yourself? The way to overcome depression is different for everyone, but in my case I really had to fix how I saw myself before anything else helped. All the crap about gratitude lists, self affirmations, talking to people, trying more activites, never did shit for me when I hated myself and didn't feel I deserved happiness in the first place. If your confidence is low then I recommend CBT or some other means to correct your self image before anything.
If you like yourself then it's a matter of constantly going back to the basics. It doesn't feel like it, but you have a choice right now. To continue wallowing and feeling miserable or attempt to get better. Things are guaranteed to stay the same if you do nothing, but you have a chance for improvement if you take action. Walk outside and look at bird and think about the texture of its feathers, listen to how it sounds, appreciate how cute it is. Realize afterwards that you were wholly focused on the moment and appreciating it rather than thinking about how miserable you are. Then you learn to extend that moment.
Focus on some sort of goal that's meaningful/interesting to you. If nothing feels that way right now then think about something that was enjoyable for you in the past. It doesn't have to be massive, like getting a doctorate or something. Start small. Let's say you want to learn how to do the splits. Break that down further, like making your first 1/2" of progress. Find a stretching routine and start doing it every day. When you make progress and then finally accomplish the primary goal, that will feel good. And hopefully that will make you want to achieve more things for yourself. Our society is super isolated so I recommend doing this in a group when possible for the added accountability and support. You can sign up for online or in-person exercise/fat loss challenges, art classes, language study and so on. Really try to enjoy the process and those little wins rather than feeling you're a failure up until you achieve the final result. It's like how kids seem to be having a ball even when they're scribbling nonsense on a piece of paper. They're not worried about creating a masterpiece, they're enjoying the colors, the feeling of crayons on paper, the experimentation. It's a kind of mindfulness/moving meditation, because the negative thoughts can't creep in when you keep redirecting yourself back to the one moment you're in. I know it's fucking exhausting to hear people say "Happiness is choice!" but it's kind of true. I prefer to say "Happiness takes effort." A lot of us are taught that happiness is just something you naturally feel and get swept up in, but for those with depression and even generally speaking, that's much less true than people express. You have to work at it, but even knowing it's something you can
work at is more empowering than feeling like you're a slave to anhedonia.
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i'm convinced getting beaten to pulp fight club style will help my depression, i wasn't physically abused as a kid, i used to cut as a teen but i would never cut too deep so it wasn't a big thing, i don't think its coming from a place of self-harm, idk ive been thinking about it a lot whenever i'm going through these depressive episodes(depression is my baseline at this point but sometimes it gets worse), i have someone i can propose this to but it will sound deranged.
You could just join a boxing/martial arts place and spar to your heart's content without needing to worry about receiving permanent damage as much. It is
Idk, I'm not BPD but I shut down when other people are panicking because it bores the hell out of me. It's like my entire brain is rolling its eyes, I just want it to be over. It's probably some kind of stress response. Do you have the same reaction to IRL expressions of emotion? Maybe it's a shield against memories of your own pain, or perhaps you had parents who shoved their emotions on you and you had to shut down to survive the stress.
Also, were you dissociating at all? Maybe you felt numb because you literally stepped out of the situation.
I wasn’t expecting to feel seen in this thread, but goddamn I feel seen.
I also put up an act if I’m feeling even the tiniest bit of symptoms. I like the attention, and I relish when I get to stay home. Of course I feel a twinge of guilt when it works, but I try to remind myself that I deserve it because I work hard and I won’t get this day off any other way.
I guess I’m the type of person that therapy is for.
I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling with that. You don't deserve to feel like that or be embarrassed for the rest of your life. It sounds like OCD, and idk if you are autistic like the other nons mentioned but OCD is verrrryyy common in autistic people.
Those intrusive thoughts are actually your brain trying to help you. Your brain cataloged the feeling of humiliation as the Worst Case Scenario and wants you to remember that terrible feeling forever so you never let it happen again. That's how OCD starts policing all of your social interactions to make sure you don't do/say anything that could let you feel embarrassed again.
don't beat yourself up about how you feel. It shows that you're a caring and sensitive person who always wants to put their best foot forward. Let those embarrassing stories become your funniest ice breakers when you're meeting new people. You can do this.
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You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. Thank you so much, truly. I'm not autistic, but I never considered the possibility of having OCD. Maybe there's hope for me after all. That would make sense because I'm terrified of making mistakes, and this fear of failure really sets me back in life. I hope I can push it aside to become the person I'm meant to be. Bless you precious nona, you've really helped me, and I know your reply will help others too.
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Sorry to hear you're struggling. While it's obviously fine to have friends, you should also make space for yourself to be alone without outside influences. You probably have more of a sense of self than you're giving yourself credit for, and you have the ability to choose the sort of person you want to be. Even people who aren't disordered go through similar things. We all change and continually decide what traits or values we want to keep. Try to think back to your childhood and re-engage with things you like or used to like. You can also explore activities you're not sure you'd like but are curious about. Don't overthink it, try to get lost in the process. Let's say you try yoga. Focus on the activity completely, don't judge what you're doing. You might have to redirect yourself often, which is fine. Afterwards think: How did I feel when I was doing it? What did I like or dislike? Do I feel like I might benefit from doing more? You do have personal thoughts and opinions that will arise, you just need to be patient and get to know yourself without outside pressure.
When it comes to opinions it might be harder since you don't always want to form a direct opinion (don't join OnlyFans just so you can decide if it's empowering or not). Try to sit with yourself again and look at it logically. What do I think I might enjoy if I did this? What do I think I'd dislike? What might I like but recognize is damaging? For example you might enjoy validation towards your appearance, but you'd know it was a shallow sort of validation and would hurt other career prospects. I've also seen other approaches being explored for these issues like creating an autobiography: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202103/new-approach-borderline-focuses-identity-disturbance
. It can help you get a more objective look at your life and recognize patterns, explore what you were feeling at different times, understand what was influencing you and if it was for good or bad. Understanding core traumas so you can tell when you're reacting/compensating instead of letting your own voice be heard is helpful too: https://intuitivecreativity.typepad.com/expressiveartinspirations/2014/07/understanding-your-core-pain-and-false-self.html
It goes back to seeing yourself as the one in the driver's seat rather than just being kicked around by external influences. What makes you feel good about yourself when no one else is around? In terms of values, outlooks. What is rewarding to you, and what do you consistently want to cultivate in your life? If there's nothing like that right now, time to explore a bit.
I wasn't expecting such a thorough reply, thank you so much nonnie
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sigh im so autistic guys… i thought i was hitting it off w this girl i met off tinder who goes to my university. we slept together twice and then after the second time (last saturday) i drove her home. since then she hasn't responded. i like double texted but thats it. i know she's ghosting me because i pretended to be a wrong number on google voice and she like immediately replied lmaoooo. should i triple text?? im such a lescel it hurt y'all
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Time helps the most, but mederma helps a lot too.
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I have a similar thing. I don't know if it's actually OCD or not, though.
I basically just use it and imagery of me killing myself as a way to internally express frustration. >say something stupid>"Oh god I'm gonna kill myself.">wake up feeling shitty>image of me slitting my wrists flits through my mind
They really are pretty different from genuine thoughts of suicide, and I am no longer "concerned" by them.
I've only been able to successfully explain this to one therapist. Most chimp out and vaguely threaten to institutionalize me if I don't start lying and backtracking.
For the meantime, I've given up on finding a therapist. It seems like COVID has made it especially hard to find somebody that isn't pants-on-head retarded, whereas before I just wasn't "clicking" with them or whatever. I blame the normies experiencing baby's first mental health crisis and flooding the healthcare system.
I feel really alone. No friends, nobody really cares about me because I don't let them, but mostly… I have crippling "executive disfunction", laziness, whatever the fuck you call it in I'm so much fear. I feel like a deer in headlights in life, I feel like I wasn't meant to be alive this long so I did heaps of fucked (eating disorder, psychosis, drug abuse, BPD-style) shit just to block out any thoughts. now I have crippling trauma, chronic pain, paranoia & self- doubt from years of not caring and also being a freak. idk man. I feel so stuck, can't create art, can't do anything with my time constructive cuz of fear of fucking up, cuz i'm fat and lazy, cuz i'm terrified of being SEEN.
She's usually very good. Maybe it's burnout? I know we had to cut our sessions from 30 to 15 min in January because of the sheer volume of patients she got since the stupid chinese coof came out. Whatever.>>212301
Don't even care to do that any more. Every day I get up and do my silly little tasks, not because they make my life any better but because they make it not get worse, and I get to repeat that every day forever.
Aw anon, your pain is so familiar and I hope that you can slowly make yourself feel SEEN by seeing yourself. Sounds like you've been through so much and have come far. The paralysis is real. I'm in it myself and in a similar place of looking back at my fucked up trauma coping mechanisms that lead me down worse paths to feeling my identity was formed by those traumas and copings. Now since I've been home so much, I experience life through a screen and my sense of self is extremg distorted and stripped down to someone unrecognizable… Embrace your personality disorder and create a version of you that is built on the wisdom of your past and be who you want. Who do you want to be and why? Is it to escape or embrace what's already there?
You said art tho! Expression is such a blessing in loneliness- trick yourself into focusing on it despite the rest of the internal chatter. Start small and gentle. Nothing too ambitious. Trace for a bit and rebuild your muscle memory and brain coordination so you don't shut yourself down because "you're better than this". Anything to give you confidence that you're not as shit as you've been telling yourself.
Love to you anon. You are SEEN!
you can't develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder later in life.
It is likely a bout of psychosis, or just an overactive paranoia tied to anxiety, something that is very common develop at some point in life due to stress, drugs or isolation, etc. it's good you're making an appointment!
Honestly nonna I've been depressed since I was about 10 and the one thing that helped is I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Any time I start crying or feel really terrible or anything of the sort I tell myself that I can pity myself for the rest of the day and the next day I block all the thoughts out. I know it's not super beneficial but it's the only thing that has made me a functional and bearable person to be around lol.
Also, if you can't get ketamine/psychedelics look into research chemicals, idk where you are but you can look up the legality and order some online once you're sure you won't go to prison for it lol. 2f-dck (a ketamine analog) specifically has helped me very much with putting life in perspective and looking at the world a different way, sage 4 blog but I could think normally and objectively about things/problems without being blinded by emotion for once.
i was diagnosed around then but had depression even as a younger child due to my environment and life situations. i honestly don't even feel bad for myself, i'm just full of hatred and bitterness at everything. forcing myself to approach it from another perspective only does so much, but i guess i'll just try to see different therapists who have different approaches (CBT, DBT, ACT, etc) and see if that helps at all
i looked into research chemicals and they're around the same price as the ketamine therapies available in my state (or maybe i'm just looking at the wrong sites), so i guess i can just look into health insurance to see if i can get different mental health treatment that way
I got a BPD dx a few months ago and it helped me to realize that the way I'm living my life is so detrimental.
BPD, severe ADD, ptsd, anxiety, and depression…my bingo sheet is filled
On the bright side, I'm finally really getting help - I have therapy once a week, I'm taking vyvanse and prozac, and I'm exercising every day.
I also deleted tumblr last night after having a blog for 11 years, I was getting way too emotional about losing mutuals and I was forgetting how to read, so I decided it was time to touch some grass. It's weird how I feel - partially scared, partially free. But I feel like by not having Tumblr, I'll end up even more out of touch with people than I was already. Now I have to find things to fill the void but after a decade of being terminally online I have brain worms and keep getting sucked into tik tok and stuff.
Ladies, how do I detox from the internet? How do I develop a personality? I feel so lost.
Get the Wikipedia app on your phone to replace the itch to surf social media or doomscroll. Surf articles instead, start somewhere random and keep following links to different pages. Delete tiktok now before it fries your brain forever.
Get a journal and put all your venting and feelings in there instead of online (or traumadumping on people). Maybe get some basic art supplies so you can have fun with it, I like putting stickers and doodles and shit in mine.
Find a hobby that's not tech related. Ideally something productive working with your hands, where you can make and see progress. Knitting, non-digital art, strength training, whittling, etc.
Ideally, also find a hobby that's social. It's basically the only way to make friends as an adult (other than coworkers). Any kind of anything where you're able to meet with other people. Book club, team sports, whatever. since you have BPD, also try and keep these relationships light/casual and focused on the hobby. At least until you're in a stronger place mentally.
Literally touch grass. Go outside and get fresh air as often as possible. General wellness stuff like that. Make sure you're getting enough water and nutrients, vitamin deficiencies will fuck your mental health.
I don't know if it's more of a male thing, but I do think it is a common form of self harm that's not talked about as much. I used to self harm in that way in response to anxiety a lot, but due to changing and growing I don't tend to respond that way anymore.
I do know a girl who fucked up her eyesight by punching her own face in this way, be careful.
I always thought so but maybe that's just because my in my experience it's been men that do it. Pounding your own head is visually dramatic and aggressive and doesn't factor in how your face might be disfigured after so it feels male to me
I hope you can move past it nona I don't want you to hurt anymore. If your urge to self harm is explosive in that way then maybe you could instead so jumping jacks or punch the air above your head as violently as possible instead
I do that too but i’ve never thought it was a male thing. Now i’ve got one more thing to criticize myself for kek but no nonnie
its just a human thing, when shit is out of your control and things are extra rough its the thing we do i guess moids do it for the dumbest shit tho
It's something I've done since I was a little girl when I'd get sensory overload or be upset, although it's not always my head, often it's my thighs. I think sometimes your body is just so full and tense that it feels like it'll help… usually doesn't.
If you can't stop it altogether right now, maybe try doing your legs or something less noticeable or full of sensitive parts.
Been through something pretty similar. That shit will truly get old one day. You can only compartmentalise and make up excuses for so long. The most annoying part is how much time you can waste in that situation.
The amount of things my ex said or believed that have anons screaming 'wtf were you thinking dating him??' whenever I share stories. I half thought the same thing at the time but managed to somehow convince myself it'd all magically fix itself or my patience would just never run out. I wasn't even that young but I suspect I have the tism too and I was weirdly naive for my age.
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>>215711> now it made me forever stuck with someone who bathes me in his own negativity and neuroticism every single day.
Are you really forced to live with this piece of shit anon ? If you are not in danger or in a financially difficult situation, you have no excuse for being so weak. You do deserve better, so do something about it instead of postig self pity post. The fact that you are arming yourself by having such a shitty partner while being so selfaware is disturbing, please go to therapy to better understand what is pushing you to do this. I'm rooting for you but you need to stop bullshiting yourself right now because it's only going to get worse and you know it.
I think about this a lot. Especially when I'm peeling my nails and the skin around them.
It's a very viscerally satisfying thing.
Honestly, I can't imagine being a bird and not
doing it. I don't think I'd be able to stop myself, especially when there's literally nothing else to do.
I have BPD and I hate being around other BPDfags because they pretty much bitch about everyone else and act like they're empaths. I sometimes wish I had a BPDfag friend in recovery so we could openly talk about our struggles but all with the end goal of improving and not giving into our BPD tendencies. I just don't like how a lot of people with BPD romanticize it or they complain about it but do nothing about it.
Some things I've found helpful:
- Find a DBT book and read only a bit a day. Do the exercises. But make sure you go slowly through the book so you absorb everything. This was way more helpful than therapy ever was. I am planning on rereading the same book for refreshing my memory.
- Medication can be good if you take it with the goal of learning skills that you can use while you're off medications. I think my goal of getting off medications proved very helpful to me.
- Use sobriety counters but for self harm, fights, etc. For instance, I have multiple different counters for me flipping out. One is via text, one is a verbal argent, one is for if I get upset over a neurotic, paranoia bit. These have helped me a lot for the accountability they provide. Plus, you can chart your BPD progress on a graph by documenting each time as a data point.
- Realize that moderating positive emotions is as important as moderating negative emotions. For me, I would get wildly euphoric and happy, but I realized being that way just made me crash down as soon as reality didn't keep on reflecting that high. So moderating me feeling happy and aiming for being content has helped me a lot with the lows, actually. Limiting idealizing people or situations was helpful, too.
- Learn to note your emotions as they happen instead of feeding them. Just noting that "I'm very upset and hurt right now" has helped me be able to avoid going into a full freakout.
Any other tips anons have?
Stroking your arm/thigh for some time will somewhat reduce your level of stress. Talking to yourself in the second person (preferably in inner speech) like you'd do to calm a distressed kitten/partner can also help significantly (something like "hey you, you're having those scary thoughts again? let's go sit down somewhere and calm down for a bit, they won't keep a great girl like you down for long")
Of course those are just cheap tricks, meds and appropriate therapy are still the most efficient methods, especially if it gets so bad you get meltdowns, but it can take some time to find out which specific ones actually work for you
This is very concerning. Are you doing drugs or severely sleep deprived? If so, fix those problems ASAP.
Otherwise, you should definitely see a specialist. Specific recurring delusions are something to be worried about.
You don't seem to have done anything bad as a consequence of these delusions yet, but if it gets worse, you'll likely start telling people weird things, and they'll begin to notice your erratic behavior. And those are only the most mild of the consequences of psychotic disorders.
That being said, it also sounds like it could be a weird OCD thought that you're fixating on and not a genuine delusion. But I'm not a professional, I'm just some person on the internet.
It's better to take care of it before things get out of hand. You don't necessarily need to go on antipsychotics or anything, but you should at least be monitoring it with a professional.
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Has anyone tried Electroconvulsive Therapy for Depression? Did it make you feel again? How do you even ask to get it?
Ty for the answer nona. I've already talked to my mom about a lot of these issues and she agrees it's crazy but it's killing her that she can't say anything about it. She doesn't want my sister to cut her off and only have batshit genderspecials for advice, but she also hates seeing her do this.
It's crazy… if someone is on regular ol drugs you can have an intervention, but if they're on this crazy train they can find therapists & all sorts of people to back them up. More than anything I despise the piece of shit psychiatrists that will prescribe these permanently life altering drugs to young people at the drop of a fucking hat. Genuinely criminal.
I'm just dreading having to talk to my mom soon for the holidays. She keeps wanting me to come back & keep her company but I keep having to turn it down awkwardly because even thinking about what my sister is doing drives me up the wall.
And as far as my sister goes well… I already didn't talk to her barely at all because she's such an insufferable validation seeker. I used to be the more fucked-up black sheep of the family and she was always judging me for skipping school/family events etc… like giving me shit over really minor things. And she was straight As perfect student. And now she's like "all my deep feelings and gender issues"… at least my scars are just on my hands and not a fucking moustache on my fucking face. kek. Jesus Christ.
What really gets my mom is how patently ROGD it is. Like my sister will say all this shit about how she was so miserable in school, had such a hard time with her gender all her life or whatever the fuck, and it drives my mom crazy because she knows it's straight up lies. It's almost like the fake-memories-of-satanic-rituals shit from the 80s, the bullshit that these gender therapists put into these people's heads about their own lives.
I'd love to know too. I forget entire visits to certain state parks, meeting and hanging out with people, day trips, selling clothing or belongings, after only a year. And most conversations by the next day. Not all of them or a majority, but enough to where a few people are concerned about me. I have to keep an Asana task list of everything I need to do, and I do journaling. Sometimes I reread old journal entries and don't remember writing them or remember something happened, even when written in precise detail. It's like the entries belong to someone else. Sometimes I catch myself in the moment not retaining anything around me and have to pinch myself.
I think I have dissociative and/or derealization problems idk
Own your bullshit and reclaim your power of self. Give that borderline 'B' a friend known as 'Yourself' by adding an 'N' to the cluster. To avoid being accused of being a narc, use that hyper self-awareness you gained through people pleasing and stop worrying how others feel about your personality disorder. Learn to validate yourself and not rely on other approval from others. Learn to forgive and show compassion to the parts of yourself that you hate - its usually regurgitated self hate spewed from someone else's lips. Only you are responsible for providing your own validation. It sucks at first but you will feel empowered when it becomes second nature. I am less reactive to other people projections and more resilient to judgement.
Start forming your personality in a way that sustains your future. What do you want to do? How do you want to feel and who do you want to be?
Sounds juvenile but that's the beauty of a personality disorder. You get to try again and learn from the mistakes of last time.
You got this Nona!
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Been on mirtazepine for a month now, fucking hate it. At first it was cloudy and high in a fun-dreamy way, but now I'm feeling nothing again, just wish death on myself.
These past 4 days out of sheer nothingness on the horizon I've been snorting high doses of speed at home, just to feel something.
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Thanks nona, that really means a lot to hear
You're not unfixable nonnie
, I'm sure you can find the self-love within you and fuck the people who won't give you a chance if you're putting in the work. You're worthy of love and connection
, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I hate how meds are pushed so much and doctors tell you nothing about this. I don't know about you, but I started at just 10 years old and just obediently took them without a thought. Wish I could turn back the clock for us.
Same, I started around middle school and while I was on-and-off, I wasted half of my life on them and now my brain and body is fucked up, I can't even be spergy in private anymore since I'm just sad and numb. I just work now to cope so I can feel useful
It's funny since as an adult, my ADHD has gotten worse due to adult responsibilities and jobs, but my depression/anxiety only got worse because of taking the medications. I was never put on ADHD meds despite always struggling with it, so I wish I was just given something for ADHD as an adult and a low-dose of something like hydroxyzine or xanax to take as-needed for panic attacks, and a good therapist to talk about why I became depressed, instead of a million pills with iatrogenic side effects that psychiatrists and therapists don't know what to do about
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Hi anons, has prozac helped any of you cope with tic-like compulsive behavior? I'm on a low dose that's good for anxiety but I was wondering if a higher dose may also help with ocd-like symptoms
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Idk if there's even a name for this but I hate my unsocialized brain so much. It's not even just social awkwardness, past the small talk I have no idea how to speak to or bond with people. No matter how many socializing vids I watch I always end up embarrassing myself/creating awkward silences/ending convos/accidentally offending ppl. The nicer ppl tolerate me and try to talk but they quickly get frustrated and leave me alone, and I don't blame them. I'm so tired of trying when every interaction is painful, I never want to speak to non family again.
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I think I have rejection sensitivity as part of general anxiety. I just googled my symptoms and read the verywellmind page on rejection sensitivity and it felt like looking at a recap of my own life. I’m so afraid that other people - even my good friends - are going to decide one day that I’m unbearable and never speak to me again, so at the slightest sign of disinterest I write someone off in my mind and avoid them moving forward. I wish I had the confidence to cope with being disliked and not want to jump ship every time I felt a little bit uncomfortable.
Does anyone with the same feelings have advice for overcoming or just coping with these feelings? I feel like if I don’t check this behaviour now I’m going to make it to 40 years old thrice divorced with no one in my life but my fifteen cats.
I stopped having obsessive thoughts on Zoloft, which I understand as being very similar to Prozac. I've been off it for a while now, and they're still mostly gone. I don't obsess over suicide, count my steps, ruminate on violent thoughts, etc. it's the #1 thing it helped me with, even though I didn't realize how much of a problem those things were for me when I started.
However, physical, mindless things like picking at my skin and nails never got better, and I also developed a thing where I pluck my pube
hairs. So, it might not address your problems very specifically.
I also think Zoloft made me less intelligent (at least while I was on it). However, unlike other anons, my experience was mostly positive, so I'm sharing my perspective.
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i feel like i am reading something i wrote, even down to seeing the video of that lady with nasal cancer. i have diagnosed ocd btw
it's been 8 months, anon are you doing any better?
i find that supplementing magnesium & NAC has somewhat calmed these intrusive thoughts. have you tried any supplements?
my thoughts like this are coming back somewhat now but i think that is because my diet is quite poor lately and i am not getting much sun
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Who else feels like they can’t discuss your problems with your therapist? I’ve been trying for so long to find the right therapist. It just feels impossible.
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I'm once again gonna see yet another therapist but at this point i'm doing it just for her to change my antidepressant, up my dose or put me on benzos. I don't give a shit about therapy. At best it's the therapist ranting about things i've already thought about, at worst it brings up trauma and makes me remember how shit my life is and makes me cry for the rest of the day. >>218820
Lucky you, for some reasons it puts me in a paranoid state and raised my heart rate (even tho those are not common side effects). Had to come back to seroplex that makes me feel nothing and is starting to wear off.
DO NOT laugh at me. This embarrasses me and makes me feel very illogical.
I have been having odd sensory experiences since I was 16, about two and a half years ago. It started out at a time when I was stressed to point of numbness.
I thought I could smell horrible, rotten things. I began to think people could hear my thoughts. It started off mild, like that.
Then I thought spiders were crawling under my skin and I heard whispers in my ear. I felt watched by an evil prescence, and could see the walls breathe. And I thought this was all a sign I needed an exorcism. That I was having an incredible spiritual experience. I felt numb on some days, and on others, I felt ‘hyper real’, I was discovering colours for the first time, I felt powerful, euphoric, ascended.
I later considered that it could be a mental illness, when I asked my best friend if she ever experienced that, like maybe I can see the supernatural. Because it felt real, I couldn’t know it was fake. For the most part, the symptoms ended. I would sometimes feel ‘spiders’ or hear conversations right inside my head that weren’t real, and hear music as if it was real, inside my head. Crazy. Fun, even. I saw the sky melt upwards in front of me, and it was real. But it felt ok.
What wasn’t fun, was what happened when I was feeling low. There are messages sent for me in things I see. Text looks like something it’s not. I thought people around me had been sent to watch me and hunt me. They know my secrets. They wish me harm. They will violently murder me, and they are taunting me with their eyes. This has happened a couple of times recently, and caused me to act unnecessarily aggressively- this makes me very ashamed.
I think, whatever I’m experiencing, gets worse when I’m nervous. I haven’t had a diagnosis of anything because I don’t know if a diagnosis will affect my rights or my employment opportunities. But does anyone know what this is? Will it go away by itself?
I'm sorry anon but >>225817
is right, you have a form or schizophrenia. >if I get help, won’t employers find out?
Not necessarily, therapy and/or getting diagnosed at a clinic is private. You really should consider getting a diagnosis asap.>Will it go away by itself?
No it won't, not without the right help.
Idk if it's the same thing you're talking about, but I feel embarrassed about my problems a lot. before I found a therapist there were so many things I wanted to discuss, and now I find it difficult to discuss them, because I feel embarrassed/ashamed and want my therapist to like me, because if I say these weird things he won't. even though he's not supposed to like me, he's not my friend, he's my therapist. I always think "that's too cringe, I can't say that" or "that's too weird/retarded, I can't say that".>>226032
of all the mental disorders, I think those ones are easier to treat, I don't really know though so I could be wrong.
I don't know where you live, but if you're in america you might be eligible for medicaid, and I think there are some counsellors who will take medicaid. if not there might be other low income places where you could seek therapy. sorry I couldn't help more.
>>226050>AVPD>easier to treat than other disorders
as a person with AVPD (mixed with some other traits), haha no. Why do you think it's easy to treat? In my experience it's true that most therapists dont know wtf do with you (as the author of Distancing stated in his book). I do not mean to discourage OP, since if you don't try, nothing will happen.
I had agoraphobia, but meds took care of that so I will not speak about it.
Struggling to distinguish reality at this point. Its been a 5 year journey of being diagnosed with anxiety/secondary depression and this year ADHD. The anxiety/depression label came from a combo of living alone for the first time with a hectic uni schedule and weird physical sensations that I couldn't make sense of. Like numbness, tingling in my limbs, palpitations, pins and needles, muscle twitches. It set off a wave of paranoia that I was dying of some degenerative nerve disease that just ended up progressing into years of hypochondria or health related anxiety or whatever you want to call it. I've convinced myself I have an aneurysm, nasal cancer, throat cancer, MS, motor neuron disease etc over the years. I've bounced around from doctor to doctor and they kept on saying I was okay in every sphere which is great sure but it wasn't enough for me. New shit kept on popping up every couple of months - pains, new sensations, loss of sensation and I just keep on spiraling. This was usually coupled with waves of anxiety, I'd care less and experience the physical shit less when I was in a better frame of mind. Antidepressants helped for a while because I wasn't anxious. The combination of the presence of legitimate illness didn't help, I've had and still have autoimmune issues over the years. This month my rheumatologist discovered I have a relatively serious B12 deficiency. Which can apparently cause a lot of the mental and physical issues I've been having over the years (and was never tested for lol). But where the fuck do I draw the line? What is my physical health vs my mental health? I'm so sick of the paranoia of being ill and overthinking everything but I hyperfixate on my issues and find it difficult to break the cycle. Doctor suggests fibromyalgia and to take antidepressants again to help, I didn't even believe in fibro as anything else but a munchie disease till she brought it up and I don't even want to fucking think about it because this makes me feel even more like a munchie. I'm so sick of being pumped with meds on a whim and hearing "ifs" and "maybes" when all of my issues are so intertwined and I or anyone else can't make sense of any of them. I wish my fucking brain could be normal and not fixate on health so much because I can't take myself seriously anymore, even if I have definite proof of deficiency/illness. I'm a burden on my partner who supports me through my anxiety spells and I've gotten to a point where I don't even care about dying because I don't have to go through this endless paranoia. I don't trust myself because of the years of paranoia and delusion, and I don't trust doctors because of years of them telling me I was just depressed for every single symptom I've had. Jesus christ I would love to be normal again and not be this way.
I did not mean to scare you off, sorry Nona. I was just annoyed at what I felt was trivialising of a serious problem eating away at me and others. It's fucked up since AVPD wasn't researched as much as some other personality disorders, so it's hard to find a therapist who knows what they are doing. There are hardly any books about AVPD or for people with AVPD. Nobody cares, in comparison to BPD. Pretty hard to say how easy it is to treat when nobody specialises in it and there are hardly good resources. The one dude who specialises in it also recommended to become a gravekeepee if your AVPD isn't getting better. Big LOL. And that's in a good book on the topic.
I wish you all the best on your road to mental health recovery, stay strong.
I'm terrified that it will change who I am. I feel "bad" for thinking like this. I wouldn't have been at the dr if I didn't feel desperate, so I can see something is needed.
I had two giant medical crises last year (not covid) and one was an adrenaline-secreting tumor. Ii thought when it was gone, my "panic" would end.It hasn't. They aren't full-blown like before but ffs yesterday all day, tachycardia, tight chest, tingling fingers and toes. I nearly had a panic attack bc I thought the tumor was still there, but my follow-up was clean
I've lost weight, if I lose more it will really tip people off that something is still wrong with me. When I have these periods, I'm so shaky and nervous, I can't eat.
In my field, many people - including my boss - are not supportive or understanding about mental health. I was basically on an elite track to succeed but my delays have pissed off my boss and now who knows if I have any chance at all.
I guess all of that is reason enough to be on depression meds? God I'm so sorry i'm crying typing this, because TO ME right now for myself it feels like a failure, like an admission that I'm a giant fucking loser who cannot bravely get on with things. But I'm alone, my family is far away in another country, idk what to do.
What will it feel like, anons? I have never felt happier after taking a (prescribed) pain pill or drinking or even a weed cookie (last made me have vertigo and throw up). I've probably been happy only a couple times in my whole life.
Will I be able to think and work? Sorry anons I just have no one I trust, the reddits on mental health are full of people who scare me too
this is retarded, usually medication is used as a stabilizer so you are able to function. IDK if OP's psychiatrist (I'm confused about op describing them as a therapist as well, but maybe that's how it works wherever she lives - here it's either one or the other) did that, but usually therapy is recommended along pills.
I'm unable to function without some medication for depression because I immediately go off the rails and not in a logical reason - it's not triggered
by anything happening in my life (and yet I cannot get out of bed, im constantly crying and snapping at people unprovoked, have suicidal ideations, want to self-harm etc.), but that's only half of the issue. I'm going to therapy for the rest of my bullshit. A lot of people are able to stop medication, either when their depressive episode passes or they get better thanks to self-improvement and therapy.
Your worries are understandable - and it would be justified to bring them up next time you see a psychiatrist, since having reservations and increased stress levels can have some influence on how well the medication will work. Finding the right medication can be a process - it might not be the first one that is prescribed, but when there are no other ways to cope, it really is a right choice to keep searching, for your future's sake. You're worried about it changing you - the goal is to find something that will not do that, that will help you find balance and give your mind ways to deal with the negative symptoms you're experiencing. So, if you start taking a medication and you feel in any way "off" about it, you should report it to your doctor as soon as possible and decide on how to deal with it. And if you feel no change, don't lose hope, because it usually takes about 2 months for it to start working fully. So if, as you say, one time solutions didn't work for you in the past, don't worry - this is a long process, because depression is a complex issue to solve.
There are other things outside depression medication that can help - therapy, healthy diet, touching the grass but unironically - but when you're experiencing chronic depression it won't be enough. For me, saying a depressed person should just rely on "natural" methods only is like telling a person with cancer to just "try harder to get better". It's an individual's choice of course, but science and medicine progressed so much there's no reason to not rely on it when we want and need to.
The change will not be immediate, but you're on a good path, nona. You can live the life you want, think and work like any healthy person, and even if it gets worse again, it won't be as deep and overwhelming as it is now. It will be okay.
I chose someone who is both a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, because I didn't know which I would need to solve my problems. I understand my fear of the medicine is dumb considering I chose someone with both specialties so that he could prescribe medicine if I needed it.
I speak three languages and needed to find someone in this country who can communicate in one of them, also. Was an additional factor.
I see anon. Maybe there are people like this in my country too, but when you set up a visit, you always see them "as" either or the other. They either act as psychiatrists or therapists etc.
I don't think your concerns are retarded at all, they are valid
and understandable. I thought the other anon was retarded for suggesting medication is a bad solution. Love that the same bulkshit that I've been fed by my ignorant family is now being repacked as some woke tinfoil shit.
Effexor was very bad for me personally. It did very little for my mental health, and it gave me horribly dry eyes– bad enough that I had to discontinue because of that symptom alone. And the withdrawals were fucking awful. They made me less functional than I was before starting medication at all.
That being said, Zoloft did me well overall. It didn't change who I was, which was I too was afraid of. Instead, it made me not spend 80% of my free time thinking about the meaninglessness of life and how miserable I was. I still believed that life was meaningless, but I didn't waste a bunch of time making myself all miserable about it, and I could think about other things. It was fairly nice.
Anyways, even though effexor has a fairly high success rate, the failure rate is still significant, and getting off it is a bitch. So, maybe consider talking to your doctor about trying an SSRI before an SNRI.
Try asking in >>>/ot/586560
. It's a little more active than this thread, too.
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How do I even get therapy if I'm too anxious/poor to reach out and try to find one? I want to talk with someone about anxiety & socializing issues but of course those exact issues prevent me from seeking help. Also is it autistic to not want to look at the person when I'm talking to them? I hate having to talk face to face about feelings
I decided to try it. Today is day 6. I'm dizzy and nauseated; the first 3 days were the worst. I felt drugged. Heavily. I have NO appetite on this drug. I have to force myself to eat something with the pill in the morning (usually a granola or fruit bar) and some days I literally ate nothing else.
All I want to do is sleep.
Does this end? I brought up my concerns via text and he convinced me to give it a little longer. It's true that I am desperate to get a grip on my anxiety/fear/depression, otherwise I would never dream of trying this.
omg and the surreal nature of everything. Wtf is this doing to me? I'm alone and there were days I literally felt too dizzy to care for my pet (I did, don't worry)
Feeling hollow and tired. Don't want to do anything. Don't want to eat, don't care about games, don't want to watch anything, don't want to read anything, I just lie there. I don't think it's ever really been this bad. I don't even feel sad, I just don't feel anything. On my 3rd year of SSRIs, sober for maybe 4 months now, can't remember the last time I had an emptiness this total before.
I'm still forcing myself to shower, work out, etc but it's like piloting an automata. Beep boop no one will realize there's no one inside.
Just venting, I don't to burden anyone irl with my "problems"
I took it when I was a teenager 10+ years ago and I can only remember the withdrawal. I was just kind of a pill drone back then (I'm this anon >>221655
) so I didn't note anything with my mood. I'm sorry it's going roughly.
I don't exactly trust docs at this point but if he says to hold out a little longer, maybe a few days. I am reading that it takes a few weeks to kick in, longer if depression is severe, but if it's really fucking you up this badly to the point where you can't function then I don't think it's worth it.
I see you anon… You're pulling through despite it all and maintaining survival under voidlike conditions! That's a huge feat. Please give yourself some credit and praise.. it's not easy.
I beeep beep bop to you in a soul depleted solidarity; Numb.
keep beepnoopin on anon
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This is so much so much pain, so much betrayal coming from the people who should be there to support you, of course you're really traumatized… it's so, so much to deal with. I really wish there was some simple lifebelt I could throw you right now, but there's so much piling up any simple advice will sound empty and inconsiderate. I do believe though you can still be happy, even if it's many years in the future. If you can distance yourself completely from your parents that would be a great start, second step being focusing on your job and getting some security and stable footing. I don't know what country you're from but with a job you should have medical insurance that should allow you to be able to seek psychological help that would be covered by said insurance - and I think that should be next major step that would really, really benefit you, at least for starters, to untangle all that has been going on in your life and start seeing the way out of it. I wish you a real, genuine, long lasting happiness you deserve to feel safe and at peace, and it's not impossible to achieve someday.
I was on them since childhood. I've spent time in therapy as an adult unpacking the fact that there was medical neglect in my childhood. I had health problems that bothered me for years and my parents were like "yeah yeah back pain is normal in kids and teens" But as soon as a social worker got involved to tell my parents to medicate my depression.. that was the one thing they did and did for years. With any other complaint they wouldn't want to pay for a doctors visit or a prescription but they happily paid for my hefty SSRI dose every month at the advice of a professional. I kept telling them the meds made me feel worse. The beginning was really rough even with just side effects. They insisted I had to take them.
I remember reading a book on SSRIs when I was 18, how they work, how sero receptors essentially kill themselves off when you have this extra serotonin suddenly being flooded in.. and how they don't know if it's ok for kids to take them. They don't know what long term effect it has if your brain is developing and you're on an adult dose of meds. They admit they don't know enough yet. You just hope for the best when taking these things. I've often wondered if most of my issues stem from my brain chemistry trying to find a balance again after being medicated so young. I've no way of knowing how I would've turned out if I got therapy instead of forced meds. I started to feel suicidal in my first few months on the pills and never was before that. There's warnings all over the info leaflets saying teens can become suicidal from them and to monitor teens closely for that reason… ?
I'm not anti-meds, I think medicating a kid against their will when they're not acting out badly or dealing with something like psychosis is a grey area though. I felt like a zombie most of the time with these fleeting suicidal moments thrown in. I begged to be let off them again. Who did that help? Why was I not listened to?
Going on meds, dealing with side effects, weaning back off of them is all hard enough as an adult. I don't wish that on kids and would have a very hard think about putting a child on an antidepressent. Can't imagine keeping a begging child on the same meds making them feel worse. I can't wrap my head around it. I try to let the past be but I'd be lying if I pretended I don't feel like I was failed at that age. The one time I was put in front of a professional and the outcome was years of zombie fatigue. Important years of my life just passed by wuth me stuck in that state.
I now basically hate pills because I was fed them as a child against my will. Combined with my parents abuse and the fact that so much happened to me I now realize what happened to me wasn't normal, or healthy, and that it's a terrible thing to put a 10 year old girl on ssris. My parents won't accept their mistakes or responsibility in making me the way I am. The only thing that really works for me is lamictal and my anti anxiety medication, ssri's are poisonous trash to me. What disgusts me is that thanks to my insurance soon being cut off I can't afford pills anyway. I'd almost say I feel barely different without them, but it's not true. I'm not anti meds for people who need them and consent to taking them, if it works for them. pills for the most part, esp ssris have done nothing but ruin my young life, and realizing that now it contributed further to me becoming a bpd bipolarfag
angers me so much. I was a child. Whose fucking rational idea is it to put a child on meds intended for adults and not expecting it to stunt them. Might as well have fed me narcotics instead, would've had the same effect. My parents and big pharma are trash for thinking it was appropriate to feed meds to a ten year old.
Fuck nonnies I'm crying. You both share my experience to a T, especially the second anon. Lamictal and anti anxiety meds were the only thing that really did anything but my body eventually got used to them too. But SSRIs? Fuck that. I want to go back in time and stand up for myself and tell my parents no. I wish I had an adult brain back then that could advocate for myself, instead of just being an obedient pill-popping child.
I'm so angry this shit is normalized. We're breeding generations of kids with fried brains and it's apparently a """good thing"". For fuck's sake.
Funny thing too is that they are pushed in so many circumstances. I had some medical issues that my doctor dismissed as anxiety and she was pushing SSRIs on me and refused to give me anything else. Not even a medication with less side effects. I told her my history with them and how I wasn't comfortable, she didn't care. It's too bad that fighting back against medication in any way labels you as some woowoo believer.
It's fucked that people are constantly on about opioid addiction, adderall addiction, and xanax addiction and all that when the real crime is giving children medication when they have no autonomous choice to say no to it, especially adult ssris. I really don't know what pushed me to be this problematic
child my parents labeled me as other than their obviously bad and abusive
parenting, but at this point I barely remember enough from my childhood to comprehend why they made this decision. ssris are up there on the addiction and harmful drug scale and impact child patients brains far more than people could anticipate and yet they still fed them to children in the 00s and even now. I don't hate medication itself if it helps someone, I hate it when it's given to someone who has no choice in the matter. And people act like I'm entitled and that it "helped" me and that I otherwise would have been dead without it. Well, think about why your prepubescent daughter would have wanted to die, then, instead of refusing to talk about it and just forcefeeding her pills. My main psychatrist who I had through my teens, not talk therapist, also shamed me for developing an eating disorder to the point where I stormed out of her office crying and never went back to see her again. She's the one who first put me on ssris. She would weigh me everytime I came in. Looking back it's so fucked up and with my limited memories of her it's obvious she was a wretched therapist, but it wasn't my choice to go to her in the first place. None of this was. Just because I got therapy didn't mean it was good therapy or that I was properly diagnosed. I didn't get a proper disorder diagnosis that made sense until I was fucking 19 years old, and then I wonder what the first ten years were for. I'm just grateful for my current talk therapist who I've known since highschool, it's not her job to prescribe me meds and she's helped me actualize a lot of what went wrong when I was younger.
Im an immigrant child from a slavic to western country too. I remember also suffering the brunt of my parents financial decline, the fights they had, my mum falling severely ill from stress etc. Granted I never faced awful physical abuse like you did but I can sympathise with how you had to walk on eggshells your whole childhood. Because of how poor we were and how high my parents standards were I was always forced to trapeze carefully along the bar of 'academia' and 'being a proper child'.
Separating myself from my parents and gaining my own autonomy was great, I moved into my bfs place and I finally started doing things without 'permission'. They still call me multiple times a day but its better than what it used to be. I struggle with a lot of depression due to my childhood and then getting into a fucked relationship at an early age, and while I tried a therapist and it wasn't for me, it might really help you to just vent and be able to speak to someone who's there to help get you into a better mental state (consider online therapists first maybe). My number one advice though is autonomy. Start doing the things you want to do in life and leave the past where it surely lies.. in the past. Your childhood trauma is over now, you can enjoy adulthood on your own terms. Even if you've brought bad habits into your life now, you can always unlearn these behaviours and become a whole new person with your own preferences. I've been trying to do that really hard for the past 2-3 years or so. I'm even redoing the things I loved doing as a child, but without my parents breathing down my neck about it. Reclaiming self worth is a huge but fulfilling exercise.
Writing about the past really helps too, maybe get yourself a journal or a private online journal for yourself and just let it all out there.
Your situation is a very deep and difficult one anon, but you can claim your mental health back from the people who took it from you. Good luck.
I was just discussing the opioid and benzo stuff to my friend. How they will worry so much about that, but won't worry that they might be setting a child up for failure and to never feel pleasure in their adult lives.
I relate the same to you. I have had people tell me, and I honestly do feel, entitled and that I should be thankful for what my parents did. I always was told they "Only want what's best for me", which is a statement that infuriates me to hear. I know that parents have it hard and they probably just want a quick fix for whatever is up with their mentally ill child, but I wish they'd do some consideration and critical thinking instead of just believing whatever the doctor says. I can't even air my grievances to my family about this because it comes off as guilt tripping, and they say they just wanted to help, so I'm the bad guy.
I'm sorry you had so many shitty doctors yourself. I lucked out with a decent psych as a teenager but in adult life they've been so, so awful. It really makes me wonder just why these people even enter this field if they are going to be so shitty to their patients and not practice empathy. If any doctors should, it should be them. Even if that particular one wasn't experienced with EDs like, she should have known better how triggering
weigh ins can be. What the fuck was she thinking? I'm glad you have a good therapist right now that listens at the very least.
my parents are honestly abusive
narcs themselves, without going into too much detail, in different ways, though my mom is the one that messed me up. I don't know what caused me to be the way I was pre adolescence. I worry I could've been molested or abused somehow and have wiped it, since it's common to suppress that trauma, but as an adult I've never been able to unbury the root of my problems pre adolescence that wasn't somehow connected to my parents behavior. one would think I would've recalled it by now. when I asked my dad politely if anything ensued when I was a child he said I was dramatizing things and for me to shut up. The hypocrite later recanted this and actually told me something. I learned one disturbing fact that's haunted me. my mom as an infant left me alone with a midsize dog and he bit me on the head. she only came in to check on me after he bit me once and I started crying. I cannot believe that bitch let her stupid dog bite me. it took until adulthood for my father to tell me this, and he laughed about it as he did. They're so obsessed with their own self perfection, even after their muddy divorce, that they will never or seldom admit if they accidentally let anything bad happen to me. It would tarnish their pristine visages of themselves as narcs
it's like can ones parents, family and adolescence truly fuck them up this bad? if the reason for my permanent early mental damage is a dog bite, I am going to scream. I've known people who have gone through far worse and healed, so why am I not fully healed? My brain is on its way up, then why does it still feel fractured? It just makes me think my parents must be hiding some terrible secret, and then I beat myself up for not remembering anything. It's not my fault my memory has adapted to suppression to forget the pain of what I've gone through. It hurts. I want my reality to be real, not some fantasy or gapped photo album in my mind, and it's never going to be fully dissociated from the drug souped kid I was. It's fucked me up and nobody wants to admit it. I'm glad I'm recognizing it and not turning to addiction like a lot of the people who have these problems have, but it's so tempting to just want to put a knife through my jugular knowing how dysfunctional I am. I related to one pathetic and sad, depersonalized thing my idle said, and it's resonated with me: I don't exist, I'm just a character? I sometimes feel that way. That level of sensitive and fragile anger and detached lack of persona. The only reason I sound constantly high with a stoner voice is because I am constantly high, and I didn't ask for it. I have to salvage my own reality out of not being able to remember a lot. A good portion of my past is lost on me. I've been spliced into selves and eras and there's nothing I can do about it. Is there a constant me? Is there a me? Will I in five years recognize myself now? This is why I value the sentimentality of writing alone and trying to preserve what I don't want to suppress, but in five years it'll still hurt if I don't remember it.
i have bad OCD and i also pick at my skin, i always did. i remember as a child i had a scab at the back of my head which i always picked at until the wound got almost as big as a coin. i loved pulling the scab pieces out of my hair and i compulsively ate them, sorry for being disgusting
. later in life i learned that basically all the family on my mothers side struggled with either OCD and/or dermatillomania. my grandfather picked the skin around his thumbs until there was nothing but raw flesh. there's a genetic component to both OCD and dermatillomania so of course my mother inherited the skin picking especially focussed on the fingers and passed it on to me. i start doing it subconsciously and when i notice it there's already a piece of skin sticking out and annoying me so bad that i have to pull it off.
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I am the best.
I am best girl.
I am my own best friend.
I won't turn back on myself.
I deserve good things.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be comfortable and safe.
I'll always have me.
People love me because I'm great.
I won't let other, lesser people trip me up.
I love me.
I will always love me.
There is only one me
And she is beautiful and wonderful.
I am beautiful and wonderful.
I can do many great things.
I should always be first for myself.
No one else is first before me.
I am whole.
I am complete, just by myself.
I must always love myself.
I will love myself before anyone else.
I am full of love for myself inside.
No one can ever take that away from me.
I am valuable.
I will always be valuable.
I do not weigh my worth in whether others want me or not.
I will always have worth.
I will always be enough for me.
I will focus on caring for myself first.
I am thankful for my birth.
I am thankful for my hard-earned successes.
I am thankful to those that have been good to me.
I am thankful for being alive, right now, in this very moment.
I am thankful for caring about myself.
I am thankful for myself.
Thank you, me.
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Nonas I think it’s time to try and get medicated for my anxiety. Which ones in your experience have the least severe side effects?
>>229126>I used to 'wipe' light switches with my finger after turning them on
Holy shit I did/do that too! I didn't realize that was an ocd thing.
I also have problems with compulsive skin picking on my face and scalp, and I used to compulsively pull out my hair too. Never considered the possibility that I might have ocd or something related to that.
People take for granted how serious having kids is. Our fate rests in the hands of our caregivers and they think we're just vegetables, but our formative years are so precious. I'm hoping that wasn't the cause of anything with your brain but just the fact your parents are assholes. I dunno what generation your parents are, boomers or gen x, but it seems like most of them missed the manual of how to be a parent. An injury to a child is serious and your child being upset about that isn't them being difficult. It's not a funny joke.
I hope you can get far away from your parents and heal from the damage caused by them. Please hang in there nonnie
Once I graduate college I'm going to leave them. I'll struggle through on shit wage jobs to survive in the city, I don't care anymore.
Mom's the gen x and dads the boomer, ironically the former is the bigger asshole. Far be it for me to be the disappointment when I once came from an Ivy dynasty or whatever to disappoint one side of my family. A vague memory I do retain is my idealism as a 7 year old wanting to be like fucking elle woods and go to harvard. I may hate and not remember child me well, but I wish I still had her naïveté. If I hear the family brag one more time about how my asshole sociopath sorority attending sister is the better sibling and undermine me like I'm the mentally disordered retard I might pop a vein. It may seem resentful but sometimes I really wish one of them would die so I could at least pretend I appreciated more than I do. As it stands I fucking hate them. I've even come from the disillusionment pedestal I put my dad on. I practically idolized him for taking my scrappy ass from my abusive
moms house but I realize now what a differently shitty person he is too. The best he can do is throw money at me. It's sad.
I cannot wait no matter how hard it is and how afraid I am of my potential impending failure to leave them.
Holy shit I'm a bpdfag too and I also was put on meds at a young age. Literally wrote this 11 months ago >>172685
and I still feel like a fucking pawn to the pharmaceutical companies. Do you guys wonder how naturally mentally ill you are and how much was caused by the SSRIs?
ayrt and yes I do wonder, mental disorder definitely runs in my family but would it be as bad if not for the medication?
my mom definitely has undiagnosed cluster b tendencies tho
It's definitely still anorexia.
You just switched from weight being your problem to food itself being the problem.
It's still the same mental illness with the same consequences that just found a different way to express itself.
I couldnt find an ED thread so ill try here.
> general bad digestion as kid, acid reflux, carsick, nausea
> prefered to just puke to get the nausea over with
> just in general more casual view on puking than most
> develop bulimia for a few years, was pretty serious for about one year puking almost every day
> quit like 3-4 years ago, didnt need any medical help
> past year progressively get worse and worse gag reflex
> i try google but cant find anything on the topic
Anyone know if this can be a side effect from the bulimia, and if so, if there is any medical help to get? I dont like going to doctors unless they can actually offer treatment. Since the eating disorder isnt registered in my journals, and i would prefer to keep it that way if possible since im well now and dont want it to be an issue for my adhd medication. I also cant really remember when it started, if it has always been like this, the time frame is very blurry. I do remember always puking more than normal because of the acid reflux and all that. I visited dentist about a year ago and they didnt notice anything odd in my throath.
I'm struggling with PTSD. I grew up in a narcissist's home where I was neglected and had to witness violent schizo rage on a near daily basis, and was only recently (last 2 years) able to get out of there. It's like there's two sides of me fighting, one is the logical part knowing that what I went through wasn't normal, that I'm safe where I am now, with wonderful people who care about my well-being, I'm working towards unlearning bad habits and improving myself. The other is constantly tied up in my trauma, obsessed with everything that happened over the course of many years and reminding me whenever it can, that it all happened and it's all my fault. Im very easily triggered by small things like people raising their voice or even playfully threatening me, certain topics I avoid because it wil cause me to have flashbacks. I'm neurotic as fuck and paranoid of everyone around me. I've had panic attacks and flashbacks at work which are embarrassing and exhausting and I'm constantly afraid that it will happen again. I'm a control freak, every little problem or slight at me throws me into uncontrollable panic that I just don't know how to cope with, and I'm always disgusted by my behavior afterwards because of how crazy i look to those who are closest to me. I'm trying so hard to not let it control me and live life as normally as I can manage, I'm seeing a therapist weekly and trying to break out of these habits that wreck my daily life but I barely have a concept of what normalcy even is and have no idea what I'm doing. I just want to be normal.
I know how you feel nona. I am still stuck with my abusive
family at the moment and trying to get out. It is frustrating and every single day sucks the life out of me whether they're there or not. I hope to one day be like you, move out and move on from it, but what you talk about is precisely my fear. Even now, I have days where I fly off the handle and just can't deal with my emotions crashing down on me. You are very strong for having gone through all that and survived it, and stronger for moving out and dealing with the aftermath.
I'm so sorry anon, and I can relate. The thoughts are exhausting, and sometimes they come out of nowhere, which causes so much, I don't know, guilt? That I can't stop?
Looking for helpful resources I ran into this super long list of alternatives on what to do when you want to hurt yourself, some of these worked for me when the tension was hard to deal with, so maybe you can find something too https://projectlets.org/alternatives-to-selfharm
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I fucking had a huge panic attack/mania episode last night and I was yelling and screaming in the bathroom and even dropped and smashed a glass candle out the window. My bf and I live in a complex with other people and I heard some neighbours yelling at 'him to stop' and 'leave me alone'. When it was just me having a mania episode and he was actually trying calm me down, they must have just heard my tone but not heard what I was saying.
I am so fucking embarrassed about who I am as a person, I'm afraid to leave the house now as neighbours always walk around, and the neighbour directly next to me is actually a really cool guy and now he's probably seen and heard the shitty side of me and also assumed it was something to do with my bf when it was all me. God I hate these moments in my life so bad and end up feeling so much MORE anxiety and guilt for so long after.
Nonnies this shit sucks. Really sucks.
I was drunk too and my problems flare up so much when I drink, I've gotten better at maintaining it when i'm sober but not when I drink. And it was such a nice night too, it was womens day and my boyfriend took us out to my favourite bar and made us dinner which I rudely refused at first when we got home and my whole episode just began for like an hour (it actually started out in the street which is also so fucking embarrassing I was just flailing around and he tried to hug me to stop then I just started running home like an insane person). I hate this shitty part of my brain, I hate how I affect my bf and involve him in this shit too.
Yeah living in apartments sucks if you know you have episodes, its hard to be friends with neighbours without them giving weird looks at you.
I'm sorry you also go through this anon, at least you now know you're not the only one haha>>248360
I'm sorry that happened anon, I fear this day for myself and my bf so much. He's such a nice guy with a nice job and if he gets something put on his record because of my insanity I would never forgive myself.
I once had such a bad episode that I even had neighbours asking me the next day if i'm in a 'safe situation around your partner'. God I felt like dying on the spot and couldn't bear to say it was my fault so I ended up just saying someone in our family died and we were both upset.
Its could to hear you had a turning point though! I've had so many 'turning points' but I always end up relapsing mentally when things start to go well for me.
I'm with you anons… I feel you.
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A little scared and mostly tired. Does anyone have experience with delusional parasitosis? I'm not quite sure if that's what I've been experiencing as I am very sure that there are no bugs in my body, yet I am still afraid! I think it started a few months ago when I couldn't stop thinking if there were spiders or bugs crawling up my nose so I would just pinch my nostrils closed and focus on the reality that there were no spiders in my nose (i.e. I can never actually feel them = They are not real). This calmed me down before, however, I had an incident last night after smoke a bit of weed. I woke up from sleep and wanted to go back to sleep fast so I smoke a bit. Then I started having the uncomfortable idea that the bugs/spiders have traveled to my lungs, which made me breathe shallow and instigated more panic. I've had this thought before but this was the first time I couldn't calm myself down until I woke my bf up and had him verbally reassure that I was safe. I'm wondering if my dopamine receptors are all screwy from the weed (I just took a week t-break), but I've had obsessive thoughts like this before. I know I haven't lost it because I know what is real, but I also have a vivid imagination so maybe it's just from stress. I'm starting a new job soon and I had an emotional day yesterday, so that would make sense. I know I need to be more proactive on my stress management but I've had terrible sleep the past few weeks and weed just seems to make me nervous now instead of at ease.
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How do I prevent getting (more) depressed? At the moment things haven't really hit me yet.
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Looking back on my life I've always been severely underweight, but nobody cared. Every time it came up in conversation with doctors, my family would just pull the "her mother's like that too and was always skinny" which is true, but now that I look back on it, my mother probably had disordered eating her whole life from whatever rough childhood she had. Now I have the same thing. I've always been so thin, the thinnest in school. I used to feel fine about it because I was told it was normal. Now that I am older I feel weak and tired. I have a weird, complicated relationship with food. I don't hate eating, I just seem to have to prepare myself to be in the mood to prepare food or eat it. I don't like eating around certain people. I'm territorial over my food. Thinking about how my dad tries to steal food off of my plate or ask me if I am finished eating just because I leaned back in my chair to breathe and drink water makes me feel intensely rageful. I go through times though where I just don't have an appetite and don't feel like eating anything. I also go through times where I eat a lot. I've never been 100 pounds. I'm around 5'7'' and I lost weight again and I'm around 88-89 pounds. How the fuck? I weighed myself the other day and was so surprised and disappointed, as I thought I was eating well and eating consistently. No wonder my pants feel bigger around my waist. It makes me feel sad to know that there were so many signs in my childhood of my not being normal, such as my weight or my behavior. It makes me think I am autistic or have ADHD. My family even apparently thought I was autistic when I was young and just never did anything about it. Nobody did anything about my weight either, even when I was young I was distressed about it because of school. I'm talking elementary school. I was just told by my sister, who I now know struggles with feeling fat and binge-eating, that my peers will be jealous of me as I got older.
Now I see all of these warning signs lining up, far too late to do anything. I also am diagnosed with depression but I still feel like there's something more. Gaining weight would definitely help! If only I knew how. I try and try, but it seems like my body stops gaining weight at 95 pounds. I still get my period, I've never not had a period once I started. Is this just the natural state of my being? Being so thin and weak? My other sister was once very thin as well but has since gained weight and I am pretty sure her thinness came from her own depression in high school. I don't recall pictures of my sisters when they were young ever looking as thin as I did all my life. I just want to hit triple digits for fuck's sake. I have so many problems with me and I feel like I can't be successful in life but finally it clicked that there's one component broken with me and that's the state of my physical body.
I never experienced CSA if that's what you're insinuating, but I was coerced, pressured, and outright forced into sex acts by my exes. The one I loved the most, the least abusive
, still used me and left me with the repercussions of his trauma, so yeah. Wherever it comes from I feel like I'm somehow avenging the abuse women have talked about experiencing from famous men by exposing them, but that deepens my paranoia. Giving myself the false illusion of vigilantism didn't give me closure, there's no closure until those men are outed, jailed, or dead. It will never happen. They're still powerful enough and have enough money that they can bury anyone. The question is, and I know it, why would they care about me? That's the tactic I want to use to provide reassurance they won't hurt me, and it's not fucking working
, I have paranoid personality disorder which makes me have delusions and feel anxious about everyone like how you're describing. I was diagnosed first with bipolar type 2 and later on combroid PPD. It can be very scary and intimidating. I've done therapy and that helps, plus reminders. Although I'm still paranoid lol>>254896
I try to self reflect on what caused the outburst or how the other person would stress in that situation. If my behavior is bizarre and it is, then I take space until I can apologize, fix the problem or move on. If I think they're wrong and triggered
me on purpose then I tell them off and get mad and separate myself
The problem is with some, before I found out the vile things they did, if I liked them? I used to be a fan. I was not by far their biggest or most delusional fan, but I made myself known enough that my presence could be detected, and now I face backlash. Thus far it's been subdued, but I'm not seeing any kind of effect or concern and it scares me almost as much as uproar. how silent it is. Do people not care? Can someone just bury it already? As a woman it scares me. it ruined my fucking life. It's ruinous to my fucking life right now. I let the famous ones ruin me without touching me, what a weak thing to say.
I nursed and cared for my falsehoods through everything terrible insisting I could separate artist and art. The atrocity too closely related to my pain. My idol child died of a long terminal illness. I wanted to make something beautiful of it. I'm staring at the corpse of what my life has become at the hands of this madness, and that corpse has been leeching off my entire body and mind. Wrong to assume positive outcomes would grace the unlucky and abused girl with wound bitten arms. At this rate? Let the ground reclaim me, before the consequences of me lashing out at the rich and powerful do. Fuck you disgusting, broken old men who abuse and target women like me, I hope you choke snorting your own coke. >>255154
I'm bipolar type ii and bpd so I wonder if that's the case with me as well. I never had paranoia quite like this, it just got worse the past year.
I'm hoping that will happen, right now it's consuming me. I can't tell if this is a drawn out manic episode or what, but I'm tired.
I need to stop deluding doom. He's not going to hurt or kill me. He doesn't know who I am. He cannot hurt me. The coincidences are unrelated to him. The moment I stop thinking it, something creepy is going to happen again. I figure, it always does. Please god, torment isn't character development. This is gonna give me an aneurism.
I'm in it right now for anxiety and depression, I've found it helpful, but you really get what you put into it. You learn a bunch of techniques to handle maladaptive thought patterns, but the work is in learning to recognize those thought patterns and applying the techniques when you're distressed or anxious. It's helped me with my social anxiety and intrusive thoughts, though I've been struggling a lot with my self-image issues, lack of motivation, etc. I made very rapid progress in the beginning but lately I've been plateauing a bit. Just my experience, but I think it's worth a try.
What issues have you been dealing with nonny
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I know this is horribly pathetic of me, but my bf is going to break up with me soon due to us going to college in different parts of the state and it feels like my world is ending. I always get so unhealthily obsessed with people I like romantically and now it's biting me in the ass. I have terrible anxiety and lately cant stop thinking about him leaving me and it freaks me out so bad i spend full days being surrounded by overwhelming doom and pain in my chest. I feel like I cant survive being on my own because of how horrible my anxiety is and how i self sabotage in every situation and just thinking about it all is tearing me apart, i get so worried about everything that i feel like i cant even trust my own feelings and instincts in any situation and have no ability to cope with anything bad that happens. it seems to me that my only option is to just die and every single mistake i make just makes this feeling stronger but im too weak to do it. I know my problems aren't very bad but I still feel horrible and don't know what to do.
Right now your main prerogative is just to stay alive through this stressful, suicidal period and nothing else. That means sleeping and eating with some regularity, being patient with yourself, and taking other small steps forward where you can. Start by giving yourself a small goal every day. Simple things, stuff you can do in 30 seconds>drink a glass of water>stretch your arms>if you have piles of clean laundry, fold one (1) shirt>open the window/look outside/be outside for 30 seconds>write a diary entry at least 1 sentence long
And if you can do even one
of these things, one time, consider the day a success. When I had episodes like yours, all I could do was listen to podcasts and play Style Savvy and even if that's pathetic, I don't regret it at all. It got me through to live another day.
If you have friends outside of your bf or family or even just acquaintances, try to talk to them at least once a day. You need a support system to get through this. (You're right to feel like your world is falling apart if your one source of comfort is leaving you. Human beings need to be around others and feel loved. You likely won't be able to get this from your soon-to-be ex bf, so you need to find it elsewhere.) If you don't have anyone in your life, at least you can approximate socialising here on LC.
I'm sorry that you're having a breakdown of this calibre. Please be nice to yourself and stop saying mean things in your head. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
First of all, thank you for the reply anon. It's good not to feel like I'm the only person who feels like this even though I know it isn't just me.
>Are you medicated? What solution your therapist proposes?
I don't aside from a pill for a physical issue, but after this short episode, my therapist called me and told me that there has been an obvious pattern with my bad mood and PMS the past 6 months which I also noticed tbh. She told me that maybe I could be take some sort of anti-depressant for that time of the month so that my mood swings won't be that bad and directed me to a psychiatrist who will evaluate me and write me a prescription. I booked an appointment for Friday and I'll see how that goes.
It's not like I have felt worse than before, it's just that since I experience more "okay" states now than in the past, the PMS switch is more apparent than it used to be ig.
This was all over him using the phrase "C'est la vie". So I KNOW my crazy ass is having an issue with paranoia. Somehow that translated into "he bugged your phone, you're being tracked, and he knows your thoughts and will hurt you so immediately block all contact and never interact with this person again. "
The more I think about it the more I want to cry because that's what happened to the last couple of friends I got along with well. Something inside told me I was being tricked or attacked and I needed to get away immediately. Since I got out of my teens I've learned to cut off contact instead of engaging with my fears (aka being a terror to everyone around) but this… is lonely. And scary. Does it get worse? I don't want to be "street sign tells me to do x" paranoid.
Not a bipolar. Related and loved a lot of them. Type one and two. It can. I know some people who can self medicate and stay mellow and they are doing fine and others that got close to 30-40 and started suffering severe deregulation and hyper cycling. The chemical imbalance in your head that causes the mood disorder changes can progress untreated causing the elevation. It can vary do to life style, diet, and genetics. Like blueberries are good and staying active and b12 but lsd can cause a permanent mood shift in bipolars and lock them into episodes.
Do you want tips on paranoia or talking about treatments? I’ll share what I know.
I have PTSD and suffer paranoia of a different source, so some of my tips are from my own exp. Our brains build patterns and routines. The things we do over and over again rewire our neurons. It’s the same with paranoia. Our brain is triggering
our flight or fight and looking for a reason for the rush. But there’s nothing. I used to get obsessed on repeat with checking the doors are locked. Like on an hour repeat was convinced it wasn’t. And the more I did it. The more it became a routine and escalated. Because I told my brain it was right. I should check the door over and over and over again. You have to not cave to the impulses when you can to change patterns that might be triggering
. For me it meant calling a friend and having them listen to the door was locked. Then I just started taking a video. Then just double checking. Till now I’ll double check but if I get that feeling where I feel my brain shifting. I know if it’s not me. I checked the door and I won’t check it again. Because if I do. I’m feeding the loop and can trigger
the actual paranoia I can’t escape till my brain lets it go.
Bipolars are very sensitive to environment and there’s evidence to suggest that being around severe Bipolars can induce similar chemical and behavioral patterns in others over time. So I would also analyze your relationships and support system. You’re more sensitive than someone without a mood disorder if you have bipolar. That doesn’t make you too much or over sensitive. It’s just different wiring and coping. So your environment can shift those patterns that trigger
Try to avoid stress and make sure you’re eating enough, drinking water and trying to stay a little active. If you take a med at some point don’t take it with grapefruit. B12 and Vitamin D won’t fix it but chemical imbalances and things that mess up your hormones are going to make it harder to stay in the middle.
If you smoke at all. Try to avoid doing it at night. It can increase paranoia on top of night already doing so from our natural instinct response.
ntayrt but one of the other paranoia anons (celebrity paranoia anon) I've had to have been off meds due to insurance, usually stress smoke at night, and my paranoia hits the hardest in the evening. A lot of this describes me as a bipolarite. I have admittedly taken down my exercise levels due to stress and often lie around in dissociative stupors doing nothing all day, my sleep schedule is horribly mangled. i wish I could be on lamictal again knowing it helps with my regulatory clock, and I can't until I graduate and get a real job. Six more months of trying not to kms. when it comes to support systems I can trust my friends and therapist only, not my family who i inherently mistrust, but my mother accidentally spotted my self harm scars as of recent. it hurts not to have a foundation of love and to hate yourself so deeply that it ends up locking you inside delusion.
If I could go back to art or writing again, and I've been trying to, I would. but how? Every time I start something I end up stopping it, the neurological overload is just too much. I feel like a strung out drug addict having been forced onto meds from a young age, and when I finally find one thing that works for me in adulthood, I can no longer have it when I'm at my mental lowest. This is why I want to die
Can you smoke a little earlier in your routine on days you need? Something like bath and a smoke or watching something and a smoke before it’s completely dark. Sometimes setting the environment and mental space to be a good place can help counteract the paranoia. Or maybe switch to a topical thc? They aren’t as brain heavy and are more body relaxing. There’s things like vervain root that’s a natural sedative. You can buy capsules at most pharmacy’s. I found it okay to take the edge off my anxiety if I took a little more than most people before high stress situations when I didn’t have insurance.
There’s a lot of push for all or nothing or just get better, but things aren’t that simple. The important thing I’ve found is to know anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Can’t do a full workout? try going on a short walk. Can’t go a walk sit out on the porch for 10 minutes. Can’t eat a full meal and cook? Eat a granola bar if it’s what you have. Little shifts over time to help correct back into a routine. Sleep is very important and it’s something almost every bipolar I know struggles with. Staying active can help, keeping stress low, enough magnesium and potassium, making sure you’re full before bed, getting up during the day and making sure to get the 10 minutes of sun.
Disassociation makes everything much harder and it’s like a painful comfort at times. Can you start small and set alarms to do something like drink water or stretch? Interrupting your routine and getting you do something else. It can be small but things to start helping bring your focus back to you and your body?
Family’s aren’t fair and you deserved a lot better and I’m going to say it. There’s a lot of people that even if they mean well cause a lot of harm and pain and then there’s those that cause it on purpose. None of that is fair to you or the people who take the force of it.
With having friends and a therapist. How much can you tell your therapist and how comfortable do you feel? If things get very bad do you have a friend who can be your anchor person? Someone who you can explain what happens and what you need to help keep you grounded in reality when the paranoia thoughts get too much to keep track off? Are you actively self harming?
For writing and art I had a similar problem for other reasons a very long time ago the way I worked through it was by changing my art process. Before I did the way I was taught and to express the picture in my head. After everything I couldn’t my brain was so full of static it was empty and buzzing or it was overwhelming and panic inducing. So I switched to art therapy. I started to force myself not judge or have an opinion on what I was creating till I was done. I wrote out every terrible thought I had and destroyed it with aligning paint and bloody hand prints while crying and listening to music. I did big abstract rainbows with colors I liked. Anything that helped me express my feelings and the noise from a distance without thinking. I just focused on feeling emotionally and physically. Writing is harder. Can you start with journaling one sentence a day? Just one? Maybe set an alarm or make it part of your night routine. Sit to smoke and write a sentence. It can even be just I don’t have anything to say. Something just to do it.
The world and the healthcare system is fucked up and you deserved better care, but it’s also important to not fixate on it if you can help it. The shitty part of most people is they don’t care they hurt you. Not everyone but some of them. People are limited to their perspectives. You weren’t cared for as a child the way you should have been, but now that child has grown up and it’s you. You’re the one that has to take care of you and that’s very very hard but you’re doing nonni and you’re still here.
when I smoke I smoke cigs and not weed, should have clarified! i don't do it very often either, mostly when I'm under stress
>how much can you tell your therapist and how comfortable do you feel?
somewhat, I won't tell her about everything but maybe 50-75% of my most intrusive thoughts, especially the celebrity thing. my truer thoughts leeched out in a recent session a lot more and I started crying over the pain it's caused me. I've known her since highschool and am now in my mid 20s so I don't know why I'm restrictive. probably because as long as I'm stuck living with my parents, I don't trust that the truth won't come out to them that I'm most ashamed of
>if things get very bad do you have a friend who can be your anchor person?
the one who I trust the most with dark mentality works a very arduous demanding job, but he tries to answer me when he can. we are both bipolar so we understand one another
>am I an active self harmer
the kind of episodes I deal with happen randomly, intermittently and they leave lasting physical damage. my arms and legs are pretty hideous and have been since late 2020 when I had my first major post pandemic relapse
>Little shifts over time to help correct back into a routine.
this is something I'd like to work on
>sleep is very important and it’s something almost every bipolar I know struggles with
glad to know this is also a common problem
>I did the way I was taught and to express the picture in my head. After everything I couldn’t my brain was so full of static it was empty and buzzing or it was overwhelming and panic inducing.
this is my problem, I envision my art project as something far more refined than they end up being and my fear of inferiority and failure consumes me
>I started to force myself not judge or have an opinion on what I was creating till I was done.
i want to adapt this mindset as well
>one sentence a day idea
i have been trying to do something like this and I can write paragraphs and paragraphs of useless internet drivel when I struggle putting pen to paper. hard to explain why.
>you’re doing nonni and you’re still here.
that entire last paragraph was marvelous. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard just to function and I'm shocked I'm still alive. the other night I felt like I was going to drop for good. I know it's not the problem for people around me to notice but it hurts that they dont. or if they do they only have criticisms
after years of abuse from my mother the thing she expressed the other day was curiosity and bafflement with my scars rather than prejudice, but I figured out that I can't force her to exit her own headspace. she's never going to be able to inhabit mine and wade through the mud herself to understand, she's incapable. I'm just shocked that she didn't demean or berate me. it sucks ass I'll be trying to leave in six months seeing my family pretend like they care. it's like the entirety of the time I've been an adult they don't care if I live or die, despite still being around them, but then they care when I'm finally reaching my closure on uni. and I can't tell if it's actual empty nest concern or they just want me around so they can continue to suck the life out of me. that hurts to think about. Either way I should probably crack open this paint set I have and do something, no matter how hard it is, jot down some ideas. Thank you for your tips and wisdom. Hoping some of it will help. The worst part about being mentally fucked this way is your difficulty in withholding judgment from your own self. It's about time I finally bested my demons in this competition
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>Can't stop sacrificing myself for others like some wannabe martyrdom complex and then wondering why I'm not happy
>constantly the feeling of lighting myself on fire to keep others warm or just silently drowning and keeping up appearances that it's all fine.
I just wanna shake myself sometimes and get some sense, it feels like I have these periods where I'm just a grey headspace and then a few days I'm lucid maybe a week that I can use to catch up on tidying and chores.
Ah with cigs the nicotine is still a stimulate so keep in mind if you feel buzzed, jazzed, or more anxious afterwards that’s it. The mental break, routine, and breathing pattern are probably what are helping you and why it would be hard to stop or is if you’re trying to. I only smoked under high stress a few years ago to. If you want to keep smoking and are okay cutting out the nicotine some herb shops near you might sell herbal cigs with things like cedar in them. They are a little better for your lungs long term and don’t provide the buzz after wards the cig can. I used to smoke menthols so I like putting a drop of peppermint oil on the filter or smoking dried mint in rolling papers when I’m very stressed. You could even do calming herbs instead like lavender and chamomile if the test doesn’t bother you.
If you’d like my thoughts on self harm, I can share them. I don’t want to potentially trigger
you and I want to make sure you are in an okay place to discuss it.
Finding out why or being able to name things like struggling with sleep and knowing why helped me. In may head if I can find out it’s a problem people similar to me are suffering then it’s not me. It’s the thing I’m working against. Instead of blaming yourself and saying man I fucked up my sleep schedule so bad and this shit is too hard. It’s going I have mood disorder that effects my brain chemistry. That brain chemistry is responsible for sleep so of course I can’t sleep. I want to so lets take steps to get there. It’s using facts to change the thought patterns slowly over time instead of arguing strictly emotional. That never worked for me.
It takes time to change the art mindset, but every time you feel yourself starting to like or dislike something pull your brain back. Think of it like meditation. In mediation they call it monkey mind. Your mind isn’t used to being quiet so you have to remind it like a monkey that wants to jump around to behave sometimes and go quiet so you can get peace or close to it for a little bit.
Typing and writing physically use different neurons, if you grew up mostly typing and not writing then you’re not used to writing. It’s a new skill from an emotional point of view. Writing can be keeping a journal where you type a sentence to yourself if it’s easier? When things get hard even now if I feel stuck trying to write it out and brain dump on paper I have an easier time on the keyboard, typing to myself. I also personally find I can get the thoughts out faster and stay with them on keyboard. The waiting and slowing down to write means when I’m very upset my thoughts might move to fast and then I get lost and can’t write them down. Maybe it’s something similar for you?
You are here and you are doing it. That’s you, you’re holding in there and you’re working slowly forward. That’s a very hard thing most people give up on, but you’re doing it and you should feel proud of yourself for surviving your shadow.
Feelings aren’t rational, they are based in logic. They’re feelings and you feel them. Humans are social creatures we want to be seen and validated. When we are babies we need everything form our parents. We can’t feed our selves or keep our selves safe. If you don’t already know this there is nothing wrong with what you feel. It’s natural to crave human connection and validation. You are valid
though just as you. They can’t validate your person hood or your feelings. Both of things are already true and they are yours. People struggle with things outside of their comfort zones, which can feel very alienating, but it doesn’t make you unworthy of acceptance or help, and some people get scared which can present as anger. But its worry they can’t express properly.
A lot of people don’t realize the hurt they cause others, because they didn’t intend harm or didn’t realize they were causing it. I look at it this way most people and probably your mother had bad things happen to them and she got hurt and upset and no one soothed or validated her. So she’s still upset, except all of the times she’s been upset are now blended together and there’s too much so she can never understand her feelings or be self aware. She didn’t grow up and mature. Something is not okay with her but that is not your fault and you didn’t cause it. She was your mother and she should have loved you and cared for you. My own had a similar reaction when it came up and it surprised me then too.
It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be sad or angry and grieve. You lost out on things that you should have had that’s not fair. So grieve it, feel it. It’s like a big bubble sitting on you, It’s hard while still being with them because it’s in your face and you’re constantly reminded. It’s hard to heal and hold yourself when you’re so close to the people you wanted comfort from instead. As you move out and get farther away the bubble will get lighter as you work on it till it finally pops. It sounds like you are reaching acceptance with them to some degree which is very very painful, but it means you’re growing in ways they never did.
We are own biggest critics and the one in our head knows exactly what to say and where to hit, but remember that little kid. You wouldn’t say those things to her, you wouldn’t do those things to her. She didn’t deserve it and you don’t either.
Self harm at its core is an addiction. Your brain registers you are in significant pain and looks for a release or way to mediate it. The physical pain triggers
endorphins and it soothes the pain. Over time it becomes an addiction. Every time your brain gets triggered
in the same way it wants to relive it by hurting you and getting the endorphins because your brain just knows hurt means better. You can even see it in small autistic children they scratch themselves, pull on their ears, and hit themselves because the pain soothes the distress.
Calling it a relapse is accurate in that way. It can still happen to me that I get the compulsion. Just like the paranoia I can feel the mental shift and the way it starts to feel in my skin. I know if I distract myself and wait it out it will pass. My brain is in distress and needs time to calm down.
If you’re hurting yourself and leaving permanent scars can you channel the harm into something less destructive long term if you do relapse? The rubber band never worked for me. When I was at my worst and still in a irl situation I couldn’t leave when I relapsed. I would tweeze my armpit hair. It’s stings and requires focus but doesn’t come with the risk of more severe forms. I’m not encouraging you to harm and I’m glad you’re doing better now than then.
There’s also less obvious ways of self harm outside of physical like not eating because you don’t deserve it, leaving relationships because you don’t deserve it, forcing showers so hot they scald, and lots of little things so take a gentle reminder to be gentle with yourself and know you deserve better. The farther out you get and the better you do at developing other strategies the less the impulse comes up.
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I'm trying to figure out alternate ways to drown the urges. There's no ease in it. Last time I was able to nope out earlier, started writing instead, but not before I stained the papers I had in front of me with my own blood. Looking back a few days later the sight of the staining felt so grotesque, but there was a strength of an idea in it. The idea have in mind is pretty bad, but I want to do it, I want to create again, I want to do something that isn't just sitting around and thinking about what I want to do before the next episode hits. It'll be hard but I hope I am able to get out of this place. That the ride ends, that I do escape the theme park, or learn to vibe with its mojo. Instead of allowing it to unravel me threadbare
I mean when you have adhd you're supposed be born with it. It wouldn't make sense that you never had any difficulty concentrating as a child and now out of nowhere you developed adhd.
You should check with your therapist if your lack of concentration could be cause by your depression, or meds or idk. But not adhd
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I spent a while at a psych ward as a teenager and I think it legit traumatized me. I know it's a stupid thing to be traumatized about, i wasn't even treated badly, but every time i think about it i feel like i'm being crushed under a rock. Even thinking about addressing any of my issues in therapy of any kind makes me have cold sweat so i just let everything calcify inside my mind and try to push things away. I'm a clown. I'm so fucking agry i wanna scream.
Can't talk about this to anyone irl so i just needed to post this somewhere.
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a part of me feels like there is something seriously wrong with me. to put it shortly, for almost a decade (i’m 20) i’ve been feeling depressed, anxious and unable to do literally any task because of my lack of motivation. i‘m not diagnosed with any disorder but a few doctors told me to see a psychiatrist or therapist after I told them about my symptoms. but I never actually went to a psychiatrist afterwards because that is too much effort for me lol.
but the other part of me believes that mental illness is fake anyway and I’m just lazy & should just pull myself together instead of blaming it on some illness. but it’s so hard, I‘m unable to start doing simple tasks - even things that I would enjoy doing - and, for example, I‘m even failing all of my university courses because of this debilitating laziness. the only thing I do the whole day is lie in bed and listen to music, I don’t even enjoy doing that anymore. I would rather kill myself than continue living like this. its so awful. I don’t even know if I should keep trying to get psychiatric help because I don’t know if it will change anything.
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it sounds really pathetic that I'm talking about this on here (and honestly i feel somewhat juvenile that im doing this as an adult) but I started cutting myself at the end of January during one of the worst depressive episodes i've had and it's been a daily problem since. lately ive been working with my therapist to prevent myself from doing it and it's been working well for a little over 2 weeks which is good, but i don't feel as good as i think i should be feeling about it. every day i still have urges, especially when i have a bad day at work, and dealing with the marks on my arm fading is difficult despite me wanting them gone so im not worried at work/when the weather gets hotter. it's almost like people won't take my pain seriously if i don't have them? but it's not like anyone has seen them except my psych nurse and i actively make sure my arms are covered. i really don't get why i feel this way but it's hell. idk if any nonnas have advice on how to think more positively about healing, i just want to feel less alone with how i feel. >>258615
from what you've said it's pretty clear that you have depression nonna. also feeling like your faking, it/you should just get over it is actually another symptom of depression. you've clearly been struggling for a long time, i really think you should see the psych/therapist because trying anything is better than doing nothing and continuing to suffer when you don't deserve it at all. it's hard to find the energy to do it but like you've said you've been dealing with this for 10 years, if you try to do something about it now you can feel better sooner. i used to feel pessimistic like this when my mental issues first started, therapy and meds have really helped me get to a place where i can cope and actually engage in life instead of being in bed all day, i feel a lot better for it. even if you don't think mental illness is real i would still try it out and see how you feel about it afterwards. i obviously don't know you but i know what it's like to have depression control your life and even if you don't believe it yourself i believe you can get better nonna. >>255173
i've tried it and i can say it really helped me a lot, especially in terms of anxiety and self-esteem. I used to be very avoidant but the techniques in cbt helped me a lot with how to cope with being in situations where i would be anxious/unprepared and trying to reframe what thoughts were causing my anxiety. in combination with cbt and starting a low dose of anxiety meds im able to actually get through life without having panic attacks or fainting spells when im out and about. i like things being structured so i found it most helpful organising my thoughts with worksheets and reflecting on my thought processes too since my thoughts tend to get mixed up when im thinking negatively. i especially found evidence-based thinking good for negative thoughts since i tend to focus on how I come across to people, it really helps me slow down and stop assuming things about how im perceived. i think integrating the techniques into your life without being prompted by a therapist was the hardest part and something im still working on but im a lot better off than when i started it. overall, it really helped me a lot after only having experience with talk therapy in the past.
I'm with you nonna, been struggling with depression for years now but only last year something pushed me that one step further than ever and I ended up cutting myself, and ever since it was tough to stop. I can 100% relate to your reason too, there's just something in it that makes it feel like it's an outlet to finally be understood, showing I'm not just "kinda sad". I'm in my late 20 so when I was researching the ways to help myself it really added a lot to my shame to see most of the resources are directed at teens.
I've been working with my therapist on it, what's the most important is letting your mind process and validate the pain you're feeling. We don't need this physical proof of pain to know we're hurting. For the more immediate ways of dealing with the need to do so as it comes, I found this website very helpful, there are a LOT of suggestions here to try: https://projectlets.org/alternatives-to-selfharm
; otherwise of course, get rid of whatever you use to harm yourself if possible. From what it seemed to me, if you use a lot of good moisturizer on your arms it will help the wounds heal faster too, and even if not there's something soothing in that act of self care that applying and massaging in the cream is.
Overall, you're not alone, and getting out of this mindset is going to be a process, not an easy one but doable. I hope we both manage to get through it and have zero second thoughts about wearing short sleeve in summer. Fingers crossed♥
Sounds like you have some schizoid disorder. Please seek medical help, nonnie
My doctor is helping me investigate about OCPD. He knows me for 2 years. I didn't know about this disorder until past month.
Anyway, it's sort of a punch in the stomach because I lost so many good opportunities in my life… because I always need everything to be perfect. I lost people because they couldn't handle the way I function.
It only made me more depressed tbqh, because nothing is good enough to satisfy me.
thank you nonna, you're really kind and the website you linked is really helpful <3.
I unfortunately relapsed today, my therapist says similar stuff about letting myself heal and it's just hard to focus on that when I feel like I don't deserve it. It almost feels like I can't let my cuts heal because I haven't healed mentally or that my cutting isn't bad enough for me to stop doing it. Lately I've been drawing/painting when I've had urges and it's helped but I always get to a point where things are too much one day and every day that I don't sh my urges get too much for me to ignore.
Thank you nonny
. I’m such a shy person and I don’t open up to complete strangers so it was pretty difficult for me. I was so overwhelmed and it made me so emotional which I’m honestly not used to. Talk therapy is something I might have to work myself up to do. I hope the lexapro will help ease me into feeling okay with it and not be a crying mess even if the docs and psychs are used to it. It kind of just makes me feel worse for whatever reason. Thanks for replying! It helps having someone to talk to since I find it so difficult in real life.
You'll learn to not feel worse about it in time, it's fine to be in touch with your emotions, even intense ones. If it's something you can do, I'd recommend just booking a therapy session right now, real fast, and be done with it; once it's set you will be more likely to do it, and it's good to take this first step fast, without overthinking. After you do it, everything will get just a tiny bit easier, especially alongside meds. Fingers crossed for you, if you feel like, come back here to let us know how you're doing in the future!
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>have felt numb for a long time, over a year maybe more
>noticed my perception of time was off, time always seems to be moving fast and I sometimes skip forward in time if I'm not paying attention
>persistent memory issues, suddenly doubting facts I've always known, sometimes look in the mirror and think to myself "who is that"
>know there's something wrong with my head but don't have the strength or even the terminology to try to explain it to a doctor who's probably gonna just shove more antidepressants in my face
>basically feel like I'm watching myself through a screen
>scared it's full blown psychosis, this is the end of my sanity
>ignore it because I'm tired
>fast forward to yesterday, suddenly it occurs to me that I could try googling my symptoms
>don't know what to put so just search "why does nothing feel real"
>mfw it's a real disorder
>Individuals with depersonalization describe feeling disconnected from their physicality; feeling as if they are not completely occupying their own body; feeling as if their speech or physical movements are out of their control; feeling detached from their own thoughts or emotions; and experiencing themselves and their lives from a distance.
>Additionally some individuals experience difficulty concentrating and problems with memory retrieval. These individuals sometimes lack the "feeling" of a memory where they are able to recall a memory but feel as if they did not personally experience it.
I'm relieved I'm not crazy beyond hope, but I live in a small town where you have to see a GP before you can even consult a psychiatrist. I can already see one of those smug doctors telling me I'm fine and I just need exercise or something. There's a walk in for the mental health office but it's during a day I work. I might try making an appointment to see a counselor but I won't get my hopes up that they can help me. Ideally I want to get better but as usual my circumstances prevent it. I guess I'm just going to try and curb my habits that cause disassociation and keep myself grounded.
Thanks for responding anon. I wasn't directly abused but my living situation from age 12 to a few years ago was tumultuous and often unsafe, and I think it left me traumatized. It's affected my ability to socialize and I've isolated myself for most of my adult life because of it. I've struggled with chronic depression for about a decade which I've taken medication for various times.
When I think about it the dissociation lines up with a traumatic event a few years ago, it also came not long after I tried weed for the first time (and smoked too much and had a several-hour paranoid hallucination–while I was alone) which I've heard can trigger
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anons how do you motivate yourselves when you feel like shit and when you feel like nothing has meaning so there's no reason to try? I just wanna sleep peacefully and never wake up. Trying is so hard when you don't wanna do anything genuinely.
also here 3 days late, but nonna, don't start self harming. You feel low, self harm will help you temporary, but in the long run, it will make your life so much more complicated and you will feel bad about yourself for ever starting.
I'm sure you aren't unlovable and I won't tell you the "you have to love yourself first, bla bla bla" bullshit, because you are loved. Your friends seem to care about you, we care about you and you will get through this. Try to find another therapist, not everyone is suited to help you and if you still feel like self harming, push it away as long as you can. Find another outlet, play a stupid mind numbing video game, binge watch a tv show, just anything to keep your mind busy with something else. We believe in you, you can get through this low, depressing time of your life.
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Is taking mood stabilizers supposed to feel like picrel?
It's my first experience with any meds, been taking them for 5 months now and I thought the intense emotions I was normally experiencing are going to be tamed, what I'm feeling instead is that the emotion is still there, as big as ever, but there's something stopping me from fully expressing it, almost like brute force supressing it? In a way of course it's good but it's so weird that I kinda know that the awful, overwhelming sensation is there, looming over me, just held by by this tape.
this is vent if anything but after 5 months of going back and forth from my gp and the mental health team I've finally been put on meds. they didn't tell me if I had an diagnosis after I had asked for an assessment and didn't tell me what medication they were going to recommend to my gp so I guess I'll have to find out when I actually get the prescription which is bs. they've discharged me from the mental health service and if the meds don't work I just have to make a referral AGAIN which took me months of waiting and pestering my gp about it. and that's it. no psychotherapy which I asked for, just meds. I'm being ungrateful and I sound annoying but the way this system works is rubbish. why won't they tell me what they're prescribing me? in order for me to get meds I have to be diagnosed with something right? or have they not done that? it's confusing. I've only taken anxiety medication so I'm a bit scared about going on an antidepressant since I know you feel worse before you feel better on it. idk I'm just frustrated. >>261682
thank you nonny
. I used to do the rubber band thing for a while and sometimes it helps but most of the time I just want to see blood over feeling pain. I know some people use red coloured ice cubes as an alternative but I haven't tried it out yet. I keep going back and forth about whether I actually want to stop doing it and it drives me nuts. I wish I could still cut without it upsetting the people around me/leaving marks.
may I ask in which country you live? This procedure sounds stressing and horrible. I never tried to go to therapy in my country (Germany) or get a diagnosis, but I know that it can take a year to get an appointment, even if it's urgent. Hope you find out what they prescribed you very soon and that it will actually work for you.
I've been self harming myself for over 15 years and am now 2 years without (one slip up, but that doesn't count), so you can believe me if I tell you, that I know exactly how you feel. For me, all those skills never worked, it's always been about the blood and the healing process for me. It has something ritualistic to see how your inside pours onto the outside and how you can decide afterwards what your worse is by how good you take care of your wounds. Only thing that helped me stopping was to sit it out. As soon as I felt the need to self harm I would tell myself that I can wait another day and after a while I started to be able to wait weeks. I never tried to stop, I just felt the need to leave it behind because there wasn't any room on my arms left and life won't get easier with any new scars. Important thing I've learned is that a relapse is not the end, it's just one relapse and the next day you start new. Maybe you should try to change your perspective and let your outside heal so your inside can heal as well. Wish you all the strength and I believe you can beat that shit.>>259688
I find this aspect of shame interesting because someone isn't a teen anymore. I felt the same for a very long time, I stopped self harming while in my early 30s and that's one of the reasons I stopped, because after all I'm an adult. What you won't read on the internet is, that there are a lot of older people that self harm or start self harming at an older age, you just won't see it because they don't have parents that force them to get help or teachers that see their cuts and intervene. It's way easier to hide your self harm as an independent adult than as a teenager. That doesn't mean you have to be ashamed or you aren't valid
enough to get help. Hope you will have an amazing summer, I'm still struggling with the short sleeves, but it's nearly to hot to stand it already and I can't change having scars for the rest of my life.
This will sound extremely cliche and I know I would HATE to read it when I'm struggling but from my legitimate experience, doing these things, ideally every day, can really make a difference and provide a great groundwork for more improvement:
1. basic selfcare - shower, sleep for minimum 6-7h, changing clothes regularly, having at least one full meal
2. physical activity sessions - doesn't have to be much, 10 minutes stretching session squeezed somewhere during the day is enough, of course if you can do more, even better
3. guided meditation / relaxation practice - plenty available online, similar as it is with exercise, 10 minutes is enough
Ultimately, at my lowest point during depressive episodes I know I wouldn't be able to do any of these, so don't be hard on yourself nonna; but doing all of these gives me that sense of "ok, I actually can do something for myself, maybe not all hope is lost", and being able to stick to a healthy routine, any at all, is always motivating.
I think my social anxiety improved a bit once I made a good group of friends and a community that I felt I could be myself around and wouldn't be judged, which was for me through my local con scene. Something about that environment just gave me a bit of confidence. Like I'm normally ridden with anxiety just talking to a cashier but at a con I can go up to a random person and start a conversation because I feel I have an "in." I'm trying now to apply that to my daily life, remembering that people are just people and if I can find a kernel of commonality with them that person could even turn into a friend. The people I encounter in daily life might also like horror movies or maybe they lived in a place I lived before too or maybe we both like making art.
Obviously taking that first step of even going to a social activity and making friends is difficult with social anxiety but if it's something you really enjoy or if you can go with someone you know that makes it easier.
It's exactly as >>263729
says. The best way to improve your mental health is to improve your physical health. Try to do just one of those things every day. Pick whichever is most attainable right now, or whichever you feel is most important. Once it becomes more habit than insurmountable chore, add in a new task for yourself, and then another, and another, until all your basic needs are met.
It also helps to have a clean environment. If you're living in filth right now, please make it a priority to clean up.
Nonnas, I could use an advice. I've been self harming for nearly 20 years, been without it for 2 years now, still both arms are covered in scars and they will never go away. Personally, I don't mind the scars, I'm not ashamed, I don't hate them, I know why and what for and that gives me peace of mind on that subject.
Right now I'm back at school for further job training and since it has been cold enough until now, I wore long sleeves every day, hated it, but made life easier and without questions from others. Sadly, summer is here, it's already too hot for my liking and it's nearly not bearable anymore to wear long clothes for me. Why I'm asking is, I need an advice for how to approach this. Do I tell my main teacher about my self harm scars before I show up in short sleeves or do I just wear them one day and it's just what it is. I really don't want to appear unprofessional and maybe give my main teacher a chance to get her head on that subject, because I respect her and her knowledge. It's also not like I have mental health problems that other people would notice, I appear very "normal" and my scars are the only thing that will tell others that my brain might have had (or still has) some problems. I'm used to be stared at and I don't want to die of a heat stroke this coming months but I'm still not sure what to do and wish it would be autumn again.
adding onto what other anons have said:
1. try to do enjoyable things often - hobbies but also planning places to visit, stuff that could get you out of the house for a bit or something that you can look forward too soon.
2. start a life diary - by this I mean start writing down at least one good thing that happened each day. even if it's mundane like "I liked the cup of tea I had" or "seeing a cute bird made me happy today." This gave me a boost and also motivated me to do more things that I could write down, even if I was having an awful day I'd usually be able to find something small that made me happy. It helps you reframe things in your life as well, it makes you focus on the positive a bit. If you keep doing it you can look back at all of the good things that happened too and that helps me feel better when I'm down.
3. helplines - not really a lifestyle one but reaching out was a habit I had to try and incorporate into my life. I'm not sure what country you live in so the services might differ but I saved some helplines in my phone when I was feeling low. you can contact these even if you don't feel suicidal and just want to talk things through. these helped me a lot rather than letting my thoughts simmer in my head, sometimes they teach you grounding techniques or suggestions to help with your lifestyle.
4. try and get outside - some days it was difficult for me but I would try and aim to go for a walk once a day to boost my mood. >>263367
I'm in the uk. I've accessed therapy as a teenager through the nhs before but it's way different when you're an adult. All of the services are overworked. I've talked to 3 psych nurses over the past 5 months all for them to tell my that I'd see a psychiatrist in a few weeks, then the weeks go by and I chase them up about it and they just don't know what happened to my case for some reason. I'm just fucking tired of trying really hard to get help. anyway, thank you for being encouraging that's very kind of you. I do think I need a perspective change. The bleeding is just very addicting, I used to enjoy the ritual of taking care of my cuts but I don't really do that anymore. I do think there's many layers to it and I'm not really getting to the bottom of why I want to do it and what purpose it serves for me. I think a lot of it is validation seeking and self punishment. It's also something I feel like I have control over when I don't have control over other areas in my life. like it's something for me, it's something that's mine, no one can take it away from me. but that's not healthy because it's hurting me and the people who care about me, and even though I don't believe it I don't deserve to cause myself more pain for the things I've been through. this is long but I'm very alone with this irl and I can't really talk about it with my friends. I hope wearing short sleeves gets easier for you so you can enjoy summer to the fullest, sending you lots of courage!
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Posted this in the confession thread already but I think this will probably fit here better. I’ve been suffering from quite a bit of paranoia over the past few months and I’m afraid it will affect my new relationship. I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for the past few months and he’s been incredibly genuine and kind and really seems to care about me, but I can’t help but assume the worst in him.
For context my Father was a covert narc who was loved by acquaintances and coworkers but was a monster at home. He dropped dead a few months before I started this relationship and in the aftermath my Mom and I found out about all of the illegal and immoral shit he had been doing behind our backs for almost my entire life. I can’t say I’m in disbelief as it makes a lot of his behavior much clearer in hindsight but it’s still really shattered my trust in other people. I have a laundry list of mental health issues because of him that while I’ve spent a lot of time working on and his death has both freed me as well as set me back quite a bit. I’m so happy that he can never hurt me again but now I’m extremely paranoid of repeating the same mistakes my Mom made.
I feel very safe with my boyfriend and it scares me. Safety means vulnerability and my Father had a knack for being incredibly cruelty whenever I tried to be vulnerable with him. I feel like my brain is taking either some of his qualities I’m not as fond of and even some that I like and twists them into something sinister. I get really nervous when he drives because I’m afraid we’re going to crash even though he drives very normally. He has guns and I have intrusive thoughts about him shooting me in the head when I sleep over. He really loves kids and wants to me an elementary school teacher and I’ve convinced myself he’s a pedo.
Part of me says I’m seeing things and making up excuses so I can self sabotage this relationship but the anxiety and impending doom feels so real. How can I stop this? Do I have a right to be worried? I am starting much more intensive therapy soon but I’ve been freaking out this past week and needed to vent.
I've been in a very similair situation with the feelings of resent and fear that surrounds our relationship. At home, I would frequently lose my temper and break down when I felt bad for someone or was panicked. I started relaying a lot of this behaviour on my partner. I would tell him horrible things I wish I could take back. I came to terms with the fact a lot of what I was saying to him were insecurties and worries I had surrounding myself and my father.
I felt my father was a cheat and liar, and I started to push those narratives and fears on to my partner because I guess I got some satisfaction pushing the blame onto someone who would listen to me and apologise for anything he had done to make me feel that way because my father would never take accountability for what he did. I was jealous that my partner had a loving family that he took care of, so I would find flaws and in my mind find reasons not to like them. In the long run, it never made me feel better and put myself into a pit of worry that he was going to cheat and hurt me, that something was wrong and I was the only one that could see it when really I was happy for the first time.
It could be that when we are dropped in situations for the first time, where we have freedom and are provided with care that we haven't experienced before, we go into defense mode. It feels like we should anticipate the worst when really by doing so, we are only making ourselves suffer more. I think it may be a good idea to sit down with them and express why and how you think the think the things you do.
Thank you for the response. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been conditioned into always feelings like I should be afraid or apathetic in relationships so stability feels so wrong. The irony of being truly happy for the first time has made me an emotional wreck. It’s so hard to look for advice on this sort of thing too because the typical reaction is that I need something is wrong but they don’t understand. On paper I’ve always know what I want out of a relationship and how I should be treated but my emotional bar was so low that anyone who didn’t scream at me was automatically a tender and loving partner ever when that was typically far from the truth.
He’s very understanding and is in a similar situation in terms of trauma as me so we’ve had part of this conversation before. I need a lot of reassurance but I’m trying to fight the desire of having the same conversations over and over again. I do think I need to have a much more in depth talk with him though.
I'm glad my response could be of some comfort. I understand that feeling of expecting the worst even when you're enjoying yourself at times.
My boyfriend struggled with an unstable childhood. Despite all of it, he has grown to be a very hard working young man who is very kind. At one point I told him how I admired him for being so well rounded but he dismissed that and told me he was afraid and bitter for a good portion of his life. He felt the same way you and I do. It was a process that took a great deal of time.
I'm trying to follow the same steps he had taken but he told me the most important thing is to sit down and read when everything becomes too much or my fears overwhelm me. Taking time to feel yourself in the time you're currently in helps move those worries along.
i would definitely be interested to hear how it goes for you!>>264805
youve put words to my fear. i have looked at trying CBT by myself before but i get overwhelmed trying to choose a workbook. i found your recommendation on libgen, so i'll give it a try. tyvm nona ♥
I can only agree with nona, don't take benzos, I've witnessed some fellow females taking them, as doctors in my country happily prescribe them to women, and every single one had a tough time getting away from them. Benzos are highly addictive and if there is any other way you could think of, go for that. >>264805
thank you for that book advice, I guess a lot here can use something like that.
the only reason i've never tried them before is because i'm afraid of brain damage and addiction but i'm at the point where i'm weighing those risks against how indescribably lonely it is not even being able to casually talk to my own immediate family members. i haven't engaged with any of my friends except in text form in a really long time. i have seen several different therapists, but most of the time i freeze up and can't speak, and they just stare at me in silence for a long time, and after the session ends i leave feeling humiliated and never go back. i haven't always been THIS shy. i had lots of friends and even got married to a genuinely wonderful nigel when i was younger, otherwise i'd be living with my parents or on the streets now (plus it's only with his active moral support that i even make doctor appointments in the first place).
when i'm around other people sometimes i feel like my body just doesn't work anymore. i can't open my mouth to speak no matter how badly i want to. i can't lift my arm to touch someone's shoulder. i can't hug someone hello or good-bye. i know what i want to say, but i can't say it. it sounds scary when i describe it like that but it's more frustrating, and i just feel sad about it.
i hope i don't sound like i'm trying to convince myself to try benzos. i'm very, very scared of them, and you nonas are not making me less scared lol. it's been very comforting to type this out so i'll go ahead and post it instead of deleting it for once.
that's something I though about as well, I don't want to put the focus on past issues. Guess I will just wear short sleeves whenever I'm ready.>>263950
maybe I notice them on other people all the time because I'm so used to mine, I will see the smallest scar on another persons body. You are probably right and most people just don't notice and care.>>263967
I don't think I want to cover them anymore and even light fabric is too warm for my liking, everything above 18°C isn't cold enough for me, kek and I couldn't even think straight last week while wearing covering clothes at 30°C. Sadly, I can't stand the feeling of linen on my skin, but I will get some very light viscose or cotton shirts to put over when people on the bus are just too much to handle.>>263968
sad that you health care system is as fucked up as the German one by now. Don't let them push you away, you obviously need help and you deserve it. I have the feeling we both self harm for very similar reasons, everything you wrote is something I could have written myself. Especially the part that it's something that no one can take away from you, it took my years to understand where this feeling came from and why I felt that self harm is the only thing that I can control and that it's the only thing that no one can take away from me. If you feel like relapsing or just need to vent, come back here and write, I understand that you don't want to bother your friends with that and I fear that finding a therapist might take some more time.
So apparently according to this neurologist I just saw, the reason I'm a loser is that I have a personality disorder (no doubt about it tbh) but it's "probably BPD". The fuck? I went there because I wanted to know if I had ADHD or not. I've never ever suspected that I have BPD or any other cluster B disorders, maybe cluster C but not this… what the fuck.
He told me that due to my disorder I'm "Not Like Other 20-something year old Girls" so that has consequences. The way he said it felt like he was calling me defective or something, a failed person or a failed woman. That hurt. I really don't like categorizing people as having personality "disorders" in general.
Also he tried to convince me that I need to take meds to get better regardless of the EEG results cuz apparently "there are no side effects". He compared it to the side effects of wearing a face mask that made a lot of people be against wearing them, he even compared it to the "side effects of wearing your jacket like you're doing right now". Exceuse me, what the hell? How the fuck is that similar to being concerned about the side effects of fucking drugs to treat mental illnesses? This is not just sertraline we're talking about, and I've taken sertraline before and even that made me experience nasty withdrawal symptoms for a long while. We're talking about drugs, chemicals fucking with my brain, for fuck's sake. I think I have the right to be afraid of taking those kinds of meds but of course the average doctor gotta shill meds to fix any problem instantly despite the very real and dangerous side effects.
I don't know what kind of drugs are used to treat BPD or whatever personality disorder I "have" or what the side-effects are. Does anyone here have any experience with those?
Yes, I'm upset about this diagnosis. i really don't feel like BPD explains my situation as well as ADHD, but I also don't want to be retarded and self-diagnose with something too extreme when I don't really have it.
I'm going to have an EEG done in about two weeks.
Do you think I should see a psychiatrist or someone else before my next appointment next month, to get a second opinion? My mother really trusts this guy because he's allegedly the best neurologist in the city and has treated a couple of our relatives. And he's kinda expensive so she doesn't want to waste our money either.
>>267422>which, isn't he a neurologist? somehow i feel like he doesn't have jurisdiction here??
Yeah, I wanted to see a psychiatrist, not this guy. Specifically a psychiatrist who is familiar with ADHD. But my mom and aunt thought that since he's really good at what he does, his opinion would be valuable.>BPD has been a "catch-all" diagnosis for women in particular
Yes, that's what I was afraid of. Autism, ADHD and other disorders are harder to detect in women because we don't have exactly the same symptoms as men or are better at "masking". And the worst part is that most people, including my family, aren't aware of that, so they wouldn't believe me if I told them that maybe this doctor is overlooking something like that, or that most doctors are biased or uninformed about certain things.
I also forgot to tell him some things about myself. Such as that I'm really distant with people and rarely show affection, or that when people talk to me, even when I watch videos, I tend to stop listening, because certain words remind me of things, and then I end up following a train of thought or daydreaming, and in the end I end up getting confused because I missed a chunk of the other person's explanation but I don't ask them to repeat it out of shame (it actually happened today). Or that I'm usually clumsy and scatterbrained because I'm always thinking about so many things. Or that I multi-task a lot and have a million unfinished tasks. I find it kind of weird how he didn't say that some of my symptoms are more common now thanks to the internet//smartphones or something like that, he just told me "you don't have ADHD, you have BPD".
Idk, I never considered BPD, I might just be in denial. I don't think I have a fear of abandonment (rather, I'm extremely afraid of hurting or disappointing people so I isolate myself a lot), but the "irritable" thing kinda rings true because sometimes I get really upset about trivial things such as people eating some food I was saving for later, and get easily annoyed when there's too much noise or people are being too loud, but that might be my menstrual cycle. That's another thing, I think the menstrual cycle also makes it harder to properly diagnose women. It's only recently that I've been keeping track of my mood changes and menstruation that I've realized it really does affect me a lot emotionally on certain days. And of course there's also female socialization.
And also there's a lot of disorders that become "popular" sometimes. Maybe they're diagnosing so many women with BPD because it's being talked about a lot. Who knows.
At any rate, the EEG should
provide an accurate assessment. But even then, I'm afraid of him interpreting it however he wants.
nta, but I remember when I was younger (around 16 or so), I had many friends that self harmed. Every single one of them got the diagnosis BPD, none of them fit the description and they were also too young to be diagnosed with BPD, but because they self harmed it had to be BPD. That's one of the reasons I never looked for help for my own self harm and other issues, I just knew they would tell me I have BPD and that's the least true thing for me. As far as I would self diagnose I would say my mental health issues are a result of PTSD, ADHD, depression and PMS, still, I'm sure everyone would think I have BPD because if you cut, you have to have that disorder. "Fun" fact, saw a documentary once about a psychiatrist and he told that he only needs to see the left arm of a patient and after that knows if they have BPD or not. That statement made me sad and angry and took me even further away from seeking help, after all, what should you expect if professionals are just that lazy and stupid.
If you feel that BPD is the wrong diagnosis for you, you will probably be right and from the way you describe yourself you don't sound like anyone with that illness. For me it really sounds more like ADHD and I wish you all the best to find another person that might be able to help you.
Thank you for your reply. I didn't think I had BPD, but since that day I've been internalizing it and comparing my behavior to the common symptoms. At first I was sure that I didn't have them, but now I'm starting to doubt myself and to believe that the things I blamed on some other underlying cause are actually due to BPD. I hope it's just the power of suggestion and tendency of humans to see themselves in everything, but now I'm not so sure it's NOT
BPD at all, it could also be a combination of that and ADHD. Hopefully these symptoms can be explained by something else. Being given the label of "BPD" makes me feel like shit as if my personality was the cause of all my problems (that's how he made me feel, at least; it's not supposed to describe the patient, but only their behavior at a given time, right? But he talked to me as if it was my fault for being like this). He didn't even interview me properly and he's already reaching conclusions.>>267805
Thank you, I agree, it's not like doctors are perfectly honest and ethical all the time. Seems to me that he wants to solve my issues as quickly as possible through meds instead of allowing me to pick another option. Let's see if I can find a good psychologist.
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I wonder if I'm schizo, I have a family history of it. I've been diagnosed with aspergers (please don't throw a shit fit about how it's not a recognized disorder in the DSM anymore, that is what they gave me initially), but I do a lot of lateral thinking, though I can do intense obsessive deep dives too. People generally don't understand my train of thought and don't understand what I'm getting at. I say one thing, people seem to hear something completely different. So I'm generally quiet, because I'm afraid of being misinterpreted or weirding people out. At work it helps me find creative solutions for problems other people cannot fix. It helps me read and understand weird books, but it's difficult to explain it to others. I'm also really paranoid. I've asked therapists several times over a 10 year period and I've been told over and over again that I'm not delusional, so I got that going for me. But I do think I'm pretty close to it, sometimes. When does my hatred and fear of men become a delusion? When is my distrust of the government too much? I used to have what I would call "loud thoughts", but those disappeared and haven't come back since I took shrooms a very long time ago. The shrooms weren't a horrible idea, because they seemed to have cancelled out an episode I had. I have noticed that I have a cycle of years of functioning perfectly fine and passing as neurotypical and then having some sort of burnout where I get paranoid and withdraw from everyone, usually it's triggered by intense stress or physical illness. I would describe the inside of my mind like picrel. Even when talking about simple history and stuff everyone would agree with, I manage to make it sound like a conspiracy theory and I kinda hate it. On the other hand I love seeing connections everywhere and I feel like it helps me understand the world better. Like following a red thread all throughout history up until modern times, when other people freak out at me and say that it's completely unrelated and I'm insane for seeing any connections. I love literature, films, videogames and other works with a lot of symbology, because it's like a fun treasure hunt finding all the references, but I don't necessarily assign special meaning to it.
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Has anyone ever told you what it could be, or are you as clueless as I am?
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I’ve been feeling increasingly paranoid over the last several months around men. Its like I’m the main character in repulsion, I feel like I’m surrounded by men who want to hurt me and if I don’t have my guard up 24/7 I’m gonna get got. It’s gotten especially bad during the Heard/Depp trial, listening to normal basic men open their mouths and the listening to the most horrific misogynistic vitriol fall out.
I haven’t had sex in six months since I broke up with my boyfriend. I got pretty close with a guy I went on a few dates with but the whole experience was so awkward and uncomfortable I ended up panicking and breaking it off with him a few days later. It’s like all my desire is gone for real men and I’m only days away from devoting my life to my husbandos.
I just feel like I’m on the way down a blackpilled radfem/femcel tunnel and I don’t know how to get out of it. Nonnas who lead functional successful lives, fucking how? How do you not collapse in despair at the state of the world around you?
i know it's practically a meme but there's a lot of research going into how microdosing certain kinds of shrooms has aided in paranoia or other mental health issues, so maybe it's a sign you did kind of help yourself on accident at one point.
also tbh, your symptoms just sound like str8 up normal autism, just less "function" to some capacity. I do some of this too and I've met more autistic women lately who do it as well. I especially relate to finding the patterns/connections that on face seem completely unconnected and other people think im going batshit when I mention it.
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I don't discuss with anyone due to the fact I would be sent to a psych ward, but I've had a gutteral feeling I am not from this dimension or another period in time since childhood. I don't exactly believe I am a reincarnation, but that I am a different person all together on another timeline that is playing at the exact same time as this life I am living now, and the one I am living now I am not entirely a part of and can see into the other. I am very familiar with this culture despite not being raised in it or learning much about it in this lifetime. What I know about it guides my political and financial decisions and they have been correct every time. I'm afraid I've been ignoring that voice and may pay for it dearly because I knew the manufactured hardships we are experiencing now we're going to happen and I had time to prep. I don't have long now. I could have done more to help others. I feel overwhelmed by starting. If I were to be open I'd be perceived as schizophrenic or downright racist/an appropriator.
>>267885>i know it's practically a meme but there's a lot of research going into how microdosing certain kinds of shrooms has aided in paranoia or other mental health issues, so maybe it's a sign you did kind of help yourself on accident at one point.
Oh yeah I mentioned it to a psychiatrist at one point, was completely transparent with her about everything. She didn't bat an eye and just said that's good and I could try it again if I get another episode, so cool I guess? She also had me volunteer with some research stuff.>also tbh, your symptoms just sound like str8 up normal autism, just less "function" to some capacity. I do some of this too and I've met more autistic women lately who do it as well. I especially relate to finding the patterns/connections that on face seem completely unconnected and other people think im going batshit when I mention it.
It would be cool if it's just 'tism, but I honestly think I'll never stop waiting for the other shoe to drop though. I have to be really careful about getting enough sleep, or I know things will go wrong. I've even used low dose anti psychotics off-label for months to sleep better. I'm really worried about turning out like my mother or my great grandmother.
Get selfish. What do you want out of life? What do you value? What actions can you take to reflect your values and desires? Fill your life with what you want your life to be full of.
I work out because I value being healthy and I don’t want to be dependent on a corrupt for profit medical system.
I’m learning a second language because the demography of my community is changing and I value communication.
Whatever it is find time for it. Any time you find yourself doomscrolling engage with a value or desire. Don’t let them trick you into becoming a frothing raging mess, it wastes your time and you can’t do anything about their stupid shit anyway. Focus on you, what do you want? How do you get it? Try starting small and working from there.
Hell yeah nonnie
, I love this for you
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why cant i do nice things for people without my brain being evil about it?
i want to do things for people. a friends birthday is coming up, and i had an idea that i'd draw her something stupid and sweet, but i keep thinking about how she could use this against me in the future, how she wont appreciate it, how she'll try to manipulate me if i show any sort of vulnerability.
shes a nice person; i know–or i think that she wouldnt do any of these things, but i flinch up anyway and the more 'vulnerable' gestures i give always end up hurting me later on.
sometimes i really think i wasnt made for any human relationships. its all complicated–people want something out of their relationships, even myself, but i cant ever figure out what is wanted… this has lead me backwards through a long string of all my past relationships; all the patterns are still the same.
i see lots of people that say life is about love & connection over and over but i just cant get ever get things to work. i cannot love it when it is here, i cannot love it when its passing.
how do you be happy alone? how do you stop being horrified at being alone–or with others, or with yourself?
Self sabotage. I suffer from this as well. Anytime anything goes well I [subconsciously] try to fuck it up or make it seem like it will go wrong because I feel like things can't be going that
well for me, can they? You are always going to be your own biggest critic because it's your voice echoing in your head 24/7.
The problem is in whatever scenario we tend to rationalize the worst possible route it could go; Ex- I make something for my friends birthday, immediately thinks about the most negative situation >she will hate it and try to use this against me in some way
Vid related really helped me out to think about these situations more rationally. Basically take any scenario and write out the best, worst, and most probable conclusions. Most if the time negativity speaks louder than any positive thoughts, it's important to reroute our thinking to get out of this habit of thinking of the worst without possible solutions for the problem.
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I almost sure that I have Avoidant personality disorder. Can you nonnies share you experience with it and what steps you took to improve please ?
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Lately I became extremely indecisive and impulsive at the same time. Similar to buying and returning something on repeat, or typing and deleting, but on a larger scale. I barely managed to save my stupid ass. What could it be?! Sudden hormonal issue? How can I control this and stop myself, but also not begin to simply avoid making decisions?
i really apologize if this isnt the thread for this kind of nonsense, but nonnas, i genuinely dont know how much longer i can do this for.
i dont think its ever been this bad. the days are stretching on forever and i just continue to deteriorate. i dont know whats happening to me, im cynical about everything, i ignore my friends for weeks. each day spirals into the next, i live only to sleep. i dont eat, i dont go out, i dont talk to people. there is nothing that appeases me except sleeping. i don't know what to do with myself. i do not have plans for my future–i never thought id make it this far.
over and over again i circle to the same conclusions, and each time i circle back it becomes more and more bleak. i circle to my past ambitions; goals and they become bleak. i dont care anymore. i go for walks and my neighborhood makes me nauseous, i come back home and my room makes me nauseous. i live with my family; i am surrounded by the people who ruined–and continue to ruin–my life every single day. theyre still abusing me. i am still as powerless as i was when i was a child. it comes back to haunt me, it wont let me go. i dont know what to do. i want to believe in a future but every time i think about it, the concept of a future becomes completely out of reach, some sort of fiction. i dont want to be alive. there is nothing for me here. whatever there might've been–the dreams of escaping, survivng when i was a child are gone. i just dont know what to do. i dont feel good any of the time.
i dont know what i gain from writing this–expression or solace or something–but i dont know where else to put it. god knows that i have tried to carry it within me.
I feel you, I've been there, too and like nona before, it got better. Best thing was getting away from my family, I still had days where I would just stay in bed and wouldn't be able to do anything and I'm still ignoring friends (I never learned to trust anyone, so having human interaction is hard), but I have an idea of what I want in my life again, a goal, a stupid, small goal, but it keeps me going somehow. Honestly, I thought I would never make it past 21, one reason my life is a mess right now and I'm working on stuff so late in life, but here I am, still alive, over 10 years later, most of the time not even feeling suicidal anymore.
Is there any chance for you to get away from your family, it feels like that would be the best thing you could do for your mental health and future.
I've never been to therapy (should have, but was/is complicated), but I learned to be one of those robotic people, I can hide my emotions pretty good and no one will notice what's really going on inside me. What I just wanted to tell you, it's not a good way to live, it's not easier and not healthier and you don't feel better. There was never a place in my family to show emotions, still isn't, I just learned from a very young age that emotions are there to manipulate people (thanks to my mother for that) and that's about it. I think a way inbetween would be the best solution, being able to feel and show emotions towards people you trust and controlling what you show to people you don't know. I'm working on that right now and it's okay and it feels better to tell the good people in your life what you are really feeling instead of acting like everything is fine and nothing will spark any feelings inside of you. If you have the chance, maybe try that? And maybe take a break from therapy, if you are in a position that it won't be a danger to yourself.
It feels like I wrote this myself. I feel the same way. Recently I've been trying to at least talk to friends once a week and text back old school buddies. I tried working out but it honestly takes all my energy and I end to isolating afterwards. I still feel like I'm sinking but it's slowed. There's at least a small part of me that feels like I should keep trying.
Have you gotten your health checked, nonnie
? Vitamin deficiencies can make a lot of these feelings worse.
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I have learned I am bipolar, pmdd, with pcos and autism. I recently suffered a seizure from which I sustained a brain injury. During this period of time when I was unable to speak or fend for myself during the seizure I was supposed to be taken to hospital but my family did not believe in hospitals given they were deep in conspiracy theories and I now deal with severe migraines, sensitivity to lights and overstimuli and pain/tinnitus in my inner ears. The kicker is they have acknowledged they were to blame when they realized the full extent of brain injury. Where I used to be a musician, I can no longer focus on music or play most pieces from beginning to end. Just a year ago I had regained a love for music, only a year later to struggle to remember basic lyrics or focus on a music sheet. I am able bodied and used to work strong, now I cannot hold down jobs as well as I used to. I struggle daily with suicidal ideation. I hope I’m not sounding like I’m complaining. These are a series of diagnoses I have received in the last few years and understanding this shitty puzzle I am putting together, i am still in childbearing age and I choose not to bear children for the full understanding I may not be fit to be a mother. I am pressured daily to bear children and judged by older, deeply narcissistic women in my husband’s family who have openly neglected their own children well into adulthood. I do try to see the better sides of life, my partner is finally understanding I have had a series of things completely out of control fucking up my body and my drive, has never pressured me in terms of children, and I have the rest of my health, even if my anatomy seems to be working against me. I have words, even if they are a little jumbled and I know what I am trying to say, I am surviving and continue to take care of our animals and search for jobs and earn money where I can.
But I am dying on the inside and wish it were possible to disappear and remove the burden of existence or at least be socially acceptable to punch people in the fucking mouth when they’ve asked too many questions and it comes close to your personal health. I don’t know that it would help but I am certain it would feel nice in the moment at the very least. I am afraid I am becoming defunct and it shouldn’t be anybody’s business.
Sorry about this ramble and thank you for coming to my Ted talk. I have now not slept or eaten in the last 48 hours because of my fucking period. I have worked full shifts and exercised and still cannot sleep. Please tell me if I am crazy, I can take it.
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>be with the love of my life for 4 years
>randomly leaves me for another woman
>initially tries to blackmail me to let her visit my home
>brings her over while im abroad, feel violated
>feel betrayed, like i have nothing worth living for
>is still living in my home
>he finds me with a plastic bag, helium and completely blue
>finally get a psychiatrist following the hospital admission
>im seeing the psychiatrist who specialises in BPD on tuesday
i am violently, passionately and desperately in love with him. I just want this fucking nightmare to be over.
i cant even function. i am completely despaired. i have no reason to live at this point. i want to leave, rent the house out and move back in with my mum while i heal, but idk if i should do that.
why didnt your partner take u to the hospital if your family wouldn't
i hope your brain injury will heal over time
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paranoia worsening once again. branched out and got involved with something that re triggered my old feelings. now back to square 1. barely even want to leave the house in my final semester of college and am falling behind in classes
still unable to access meds and still no insurance. cant afford psychiatrist. just going to talk psychologist. starting to feel like a drug addict for missing my meds for a year and a half when im too lethargic to make the effort to find low cost or insuranceless alternatives. in this state there's not a lot. it's literally not my fault that i held onto my parents plan as long as i could aged out and can't afford shit without it eating up half my crap salary! and nobody esp not my parents who are abusive anyway will help me!
everyday i wake up i suffer so much. should i sign off for a bit? idk what to do. i love my job but circumstances have led me to not want to continue there. i hate my house, i hate my life, i hate my face, i hate myself i feel like just breathing is a full time god damn job
am i beyond therapy? am i beyond medication? will i inevitably join the 10%? i seriously wish he had left me to die with my head in that plastic bag.
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i have body dysmorphia and it's absolutely suffocating. if i'm out and i see someone who looks like my ideal self or has one of my ideal traits, i feel this like stomach drop feeling and i just want to disappear. i'm constantly comparing myself to other women but it feels impossible to stop. i hate my height the most which sucks because it's impossible to change. i also compare myself to fictional characters. it feels like my brain is just non-stop trying to make me suffer. i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and i feel embarrassed of how i look, the idea of other girls looking at me and being glad they don't look like me. the worst part is i know i'm normal looking but the part of my brain that makes me feel shit is just more powerful. i'm so exhausted, i just want to be ok with how i look. this is just a ramble but man i feel like shit.
I have misophonia too and relate hard. i read somewhere that family will often trigger
you worse than other people, and my mom is also the worst for me. I hate her laugh, noises she makes, i can't be in the same room as her when she eats.
My best advice is also wearing earplugs. wish there was more you could do besides earplugs and removing yourself from the situation, but alas
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Pregnancy is tough nonna, please seek help or support, you don't have to deal with this alone.
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Did/do meds help at all? Your brain isn't done with developing yet, so you're not a lost cause or anything close to that. Don't have any suggestions, just don't want you to commit sudoku. There are scrotes out there who actually deserve to die, meanwhile you're probably a very sweet nonna who wants to end it all because your brain is being an annoying retard atm. You deserve better.
I was in your exact same position at your age, and now I'm a completely functioming adult with a bright future and I'm so glad that I wasn't successful in any suicide attempts. More than talk therapy (ineffective because I could not manage to truly open up) or stints medications (ineffective because my trauma was the root cause of my issues, and they often had painfully detrimental side effects on my health), what saved me was reading in order to thoroughly understand my trauma and the effect it was having on me The more knowable what I was experiencing was, the more I became able to grit my teeth and endure until each day became survivable, and then managable, then enjoyable.
Additionally, seeing my experiences reflected in text in a clinical sense, as opposed to anecdotes from fellow sufferers of PTSD, helped me take what was happening to me seriously in a productive way. I don't mean that in a demeaning manner, it's just very easy to overconsume grief over trauma to the point you drown in it and feel helpless.
I can't say the same for anybody else, because each individual is different in what will be effective for them. Maybe you've already tried this, even. But it might help if you haven't. Two common books recommended to people are The Body Keeps the Score and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I was on them before for a mental illness I didn't even have, now it's for a non mental related brain issue that doctors are trying to fix with anti seizure meds.
I'm certainly not perfect off meds and I have my moments but after being a slave to them more than half my life, I realized just how more frequent my outbursts were while being forced to be on them, especially when docs decided I needed to be on new ones. Being off them was freedom. They're like poison to me. I wish people understood that some people are either med resistant or just react poorly to them, that they aren't always the answer. What meds make you unstable anon?
I read too they can cause permanent personality changes too which is frightening, and also makes a lot of sense considering I had a very different personality as a child vs who I am today.
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I have anxiety since I was like 11. I did progress from being an absolute shutdown to a functioning person that can hold conversations with strangers and start new activities with more confidence, all through exposition. Thing is, I'm still hyperalert everyday all day and I release that tension through extreme nail biting and binge eating.
I have been doing CBT for almost year now and expressed to my therapist that I'm kind of at my limit and just exhausted, so she suggested to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed 5/10 mg of Prozac. I'm very conflicted now, because I have progressed honestly a lot (I even achieved two months of not biting my nails) and therapy has been great, but I do feel we haven't focused that much on my anxious thoughts and beliefs, we've been working mostly on the problematic behaviours and some family background.
I came here to ask any of you nonas if you have tried Prozac and what have been your experiences like? I'm concerned of adverse effects or making my journey even more complicated if it doesn't work out for me
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Filling out a trauma history form for my therapist has made me wonder just what is wrong with me. I've never experienced or witnessed any situations involving death or violence, or even the threat of it. Yet I've spent my whole life depressed, anxious, psychotic, suicidal. Lots of times I felt I would surely die, but it was only ever in my imagination. I guess the one truly scary situation I've been in was my own aborted suicide attempt, one that I walked away from completely unscathed and without consequence (nobody knew, no medical attention needed). I flunked out of school, cant drive, can't keep a job, got into bad relationships, and now I'm a barely functioning NEET, a complete and total burden to everyone I know and society at large. What happened to me? It feels like there is a huge gap between what I've experienced and the state of my mental health. I don't have any holes in my memory and there is no evidence I was ever abused. Yes I was a lonely kid but not neglected, my parents argued and divorced but there was no physical violence. Tons of people have been through things 100x worse and don't have a fraction of the issues I have. As I see it there is no reason for me to be as fucked up as I am now. Was I just born wrong? Is this what it means to have a personality disorder? I'm thankful I don't have any real trauma because if this is my baseline, God I really would be dead by now. At the same time I wish I could point at a time in my life and say "this is where it all went wrong." Sorry for ranting, I don't expect any real answers or advice. Just wanted to get it out there and see if maybe anyone else felt the same.
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My mental health this past year has plummeted after I started a university course that was really difficult to get into and I thought was my dream. Everyone around me was so proud I got in and I thought I had my whole life set at this point (the degree has an 100% employment rate straight after graduating because companies actively request students to work for them). The thing is this course is so demanding that I don’t have time for anything else in my life. I loved playing video games and going out with my friends but I haven’t touched my gaming computer since the start of the year and my friends have stopped talking to me since I can never go out with them. I’m at university all day 7 days a week working and I’ve worked through all of my holidays since they gave us assessments to work on over the break and submit by the start of the next term. The worst part is I’ve found that in my heart I don’t want to work in the career I’m studying towards but I can always get a masters and go a different direction based on what I already know.
This past month has been extra stressful and I went to see the university councillor a few weeks ago after I reached a point I felt so hopeless and suicidal as my auditory and visual hallucinations that are brought on from stress started getting worse. I was a bit too honest with her and she called an ambulance for me to go to the hospital which was a scary experience but I really needed it.
I haven’t gone back to class in 2 weeks since then and I know I’m falling behind but going back there is so overwhelming. I came in yesterday (Sunday) and the first thing I did when I walked into my classroom was cry. The whole time I was working there I was shaking and I feeling so nauseous and so confused because everything is so complicated and no matter how much things are explained to me I don’t get it.
A week ago I also got diagnosed with bipolar II and dealing with that revelation by itself has freaked me out. I’m afraid to tell my parents because I’m unsure how they’ll react so I’ve just bottle it up.
At this point I want to drop out and do an online diploma since I always work better from home and I’ve discovered something else I’m passionate about but I’m so afraid of being seen as a failure and downgrading from a bachelors at a renowned university to some online nobody diploma. I just want to be strong and make my parents proud and function like a normal person but I can’t keep going on like this. Even my psychologist said it would be ‘disappointing’ if I dropped out and I hold so much guilt for being selfish and not being able to push these feelings to the side and carry on.
Sorry I’m rambling at this point I’d just appreciate it if someone told me whether I’m being overdramatic and should be grateful to be at university or I should gamble and do an online diploma from home where my hallucinations aren’t nearly as bad. I just can’t tell what’s right and my head is an absolute mess right now. Thank you nonnies
I relate 100% to you nonnie
thank you for posting this. I wish I had a good reason for being so unstable aside from inheriting a mood disorder, it just feels stupid and inconsequential compared to when I think of 'real' trauma and struggles. It's just the way our brains work unfortunately, but I just try to work harder to better myself and do something with my life out of spite at the universe and the cards I was dealt I guess.
. First of all, you are not overreacting. As someone who's been in your shoes, I'm wondering how far along you are in this degree and how long you have left.
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im pretty severely mentally ill but never got any real professional help for it due to growing up to a religious immigrant family who were quite dismissive of psychiatry and also personal shame. i’ve finally come around to entertaining seeing a doctor as i’m extremely suicidal and have been experiencing something i guess might be described as psychosis. i live in the uk and have seen a therapist before but i was underage and lied to get out of it. i’ve heard a lot of horror stories about uk mental health provision. i was just wondering if any uk nonas have any experience with nhs mental health care and how i should go about getting help. i’m thinking of going to my go and just discussing my symptoms, idk if there’s any better way to go about it. thanks in advance nonas. pic kinda related lol