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No. 447913
>>447912Women in good relationships don't need to come for advice. Similarly women in good relationships largely try to avoid mentioning it for reasons of intracompetitive "showing off" (I have had female friends angry that my boyfriend is "nice" and theirs isn't, verbally communicating such, not subtext) or in highly insular radfem spaces pulling a Not My Nigel, which is just embarrassing. But you do sound like a malignant retard.
>>447894The advice you're getting reads as very weird to me for reasons perhaps not worth elaborating upon (virgins? FDS? I don't know). If you've accepted that men and women are equal emotional creatures the way you're courting is not a problem (the idea of a nice quiet cooking date sounds appealing to me; a male peacocking would put me off). I would just keep it at that, though: serious courting; cultivate intimacy and trust first; take it slowly. There's nothing wrong with you pursuing him– if anything I would dispute that men who are not entitled to women's sexual attention and time tend to
avoid taking up the patriarchal role of pursuing women due to a fear of entitlement in that respect– but you would ideally expect reciprocation. You care so much about his preferences, what he wants, what he needs, what he enjoys doing– what about you? Where do your needs figure in here? That's actually the part that matters, not what other people are telling you to do, including me, and this other litany of women on lolcow and in this fellow's personal life: are you happy? Do you feel it's mutual? Or do you just enjoy the chase and you've forgotten about yourself?
No. 447927
>>447917>paragraph-long sperg misapprehending the point I made originallyI know you're rejoicing in other women's pain
>>447912>schadenfreudeand trying to make me upset, but you're failing at larping the sadism you think to be inherent in men. Maybe you're right, honestly, because you're not very good at it.
No. 448074
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>>447914This. All human relationships are pointless and doomed to fail, and no humans are worth caring about anyways. There are no friends in this world, and there are no good people.
No. 448083
>>447960>He didn't have to put in any effort, planning, or money into your date>you're defending him for itYes I am. He put hours of work into finishing his projector and wiring a sound system ahead of our date, found important films he thought I'd like based on a previous conversation about my tastes, prepared everything for some of my favourite foods that I mentioned off-hand a couple of months ago, then took me for a walk along the foreshore lit by fireworks, before dropping me home with the cupcakes we made. Why would I want to go to a cooking class? I know how to cook, and because I was in that very nice kitchen with him, I know he has money, spends it well and knows how to cook too, but I also know he keeps a clean home, pays attention to detail, doesn't mind cleaning in the slightest and eats well. I know he really listens to me when I talk, even when I'm not paying attention to what a say, and enjoys talking with me just to talk and share things with each other. I know he's a safe driver, keeps a well-maintained car, instinctively walks between me and other men, is patient and maintains his fitness.
I see dating as an effort to get to know the person I want to spend my time with. I liked our date because it told me things about him that he can't fake or hide. He can't hide the fact he needs to see something to remember to clean it, as evidenced by everything being spotless from his eye level down, but with grime on the very top of his stove's rangehood mounting and spots on the skirting board beneath his cupboards. He can't hide that he gets distracted from projects and lacks follow-through, as evidenced by the half-dozen half-finished ones lining his workshop's shelves. If we'd gone to a couples cooking class and had dessert at a restaurant, all I'd know is that he could follow instructions and was willing to buy my affection through overpriced sweets.
No. 448098
>>448083I’m really not trying to be mean but your posts the last few days about this just seem like pure fanfic kek if this all really happened that’s so wholesome but like…on LC it’s hard not to be
sus of such posts kek like either you happened to hit SUCH a jackpot or this man is going to be a serial killer in the real way not just the hyperbole way
No. 448131
My nigel is thinking about going on a trip to follow a band's tour for a few weeks next year. I've done this a few times myself when I was in my late teens/early 20's and it involved a lot of drugs, drinking and hookups. We're in a much different phase of life now where we're both settling and calmed down. I have a lot of regrets and bad memories from the tour days, but he has never done it, and doesn't understand the appeal of the party lifestyle. As far as I know him, he's always just been a music nerd, we go to a lot of shows together and nothing weird happens. He just wants to see the shows and have a little road trip (which he's done for years without the music part). But I know he likes to dress well, be well-groomed and look good, he's very charismatic and sociable, and he's told me before when I was out of town some girl tried to hit on him at a show and it made both of us very uncomfortable. He's very aware that all I just don't want is for him to flirt/sleep with anyone else, or to get blackout drunk (never happened, but my ex was a violent alcoholic and it's my nightmare).
I've openly communicated that first of all I'd miss him while he's away, but that I am worried he'd get hit on, or overdo it with the alcohol and sleep with someone. How would you feel about this? Am I being a crazy/paranoid bitch? How can I chill out and let him enjoy his hobbies? I feel like I'm letting my own past, bad experiences color something that's got little to do with it at this point in our lives.
No. 448172
>>448154>between 10-20% of people, depending on age and genderI wonder what the criterias are because this seems a lot, I've never met another consistent celibate person like me, at most people were taking a break in dating for like one year.
>it's certainly not seen as positive so it's not talked aboutIt should be seen as something neutral, I feel like celibacy can only be justified if it's religious/cultural/trauma induced (but you still need to get over it at some point), people should be allowed not to care about romantic relationships for whatever reason.
No. 448224
>>448079You and the other nonna didn’t get my point at all kek. Even if you get with the so called “good man” it’s still the same.
It’s just the dynamics of heterosexual relationships and I’m saying this as a straight woman too who is still somehow trying to make peace with this notion and the desire to be loved back, genuinely.
The sooner you wake up and the sooner you’ll be better. Being with a man means breaking your boundaries and forgiving many of his shortcomings, you lose more when you’re with a man than when you’re alone.
No. 448225
>>448224I’m actually saying that you have to be alert and mindful at all times and to not project your ideals on a man , they’ll never live up to them. Prepare to be disappointed, dismissed, cheated on, spoken over etc. if you have that mindset then you won’t ever have a heartbreak in your life and you won’t ever blame yourself for a scrote’s own wrongdoings.
Romantic love has been sold to us far too long.
No. 448348
>>448344I didn't say it was a hobby. It takes seconds anyway
>>448347>All men would love to be raped by a womanKek true
No. 448594
>>448577Most cons you're listing are actually pros even if they're annoying at first glance (being clean, trying to integrate despite the gap, wants to spend time with you…), him trying to make you more cultured could be either because he looks down on you and wants to 'mold' you to his liking (cynical) or him investing effort in your bond (whitepilled). If the feeling of grossing him out persists you should try and discuss it, it could be ambivalence (which is pretty normal in a relationship). From my own perspective, i've dated someone whose idea of a nice night was watching retarded youtube slop with a beer and while it was fun, it did bore me after a while and i did find it soul-crushing so i complained. But i still had fun and i found a way to balance this non-hobby with my own interests. Feeling ambivalent towards your partner once in a while is okay.
I'd say go for it nona, he sounds like a catch. Don't worry about your relationship not lasting, you have to be a little egoistical with your happiness and you can never be sure anything lasts anyways. You seem nervous but it's the good kind of nervousness, it's stress from having something really nice and not knowing what to do with it
>>448524It's fine, most freemason crime is white-collar corruption shit, unless you live in Europe and are dating a guy with ties to the military you should be fine kek
No. 448998
>>448771Any time I've heard of a man saying stuff like that and then just staying with you like it's no biggie afterwards (when those are breaking up words to normal people).. it's a waiting game where they just want their source of sex to stay around a bit longer and they'll end up properly dumping you moments before (or on) the next special occasion for maximum damage and so they don't need to put any effort into you when they've already mentally clocked out. We even get it on here every V day and Xmas week. The last moment dumping that ruins an occasion but saves him money and maybe makes him feel like he won the game.
I'd get ahead of it and just do the dumping while you've still got a couple weeks till xmas to start moving on. First break ups tend to suck hard enough already without waiting to see if he pulls the whole dumping you on xmas week trick.
No. 449006
>>447876My boyfriend barely wants to see me nowadays, without talking to me for weeks. He is my first boyfriend. I respect his privacy, but this does not feel like a relationship anymore. I reach out to him and he does not respond, and I feel worried to bother him.
He is emotionally detached as well whenever I need him. I feel like he does not care. We have been together for 3 years. I work and study in university. He does neither. He has tried to complete schooling and a job, but he quits soon after or gets fired. He also hides things from me. I guess his ADHD has to do with it?
As a woman, I feel like it’s over. I wanted to get married to someone with a responsible adult with a stable income and who is emotionally available. Instead, I feel stagnant, and I am waiting for no reason. Besides this issue, I love him and I think we get along together well, although I don’t agree with everything.
Do I need a better boyfriend or is this typical of men? What do I do?
No. 449025
>>449014„lately“ as in the past year kekkk
what annoys me about him is that he‘s lazy and doesn’t really have any interests, we mostly talk about terminally online shit kek. and what annoys me the most is that he doesn‘t like doing anything outside of his home. e.g. „why would I go to a restaurant with you when I can doordash some food and we can eat at home“ or when I ask him if he wants to come along with me to any activity that I like to do he does join me sometimes but then he‘s moody and noticeably annoyed that we’re not at home and nagging about wanting to leave which obviously ruins my mood. I‘m a quite social person and living an „active“ life is really important to me. idk, he’s a kind person but everything else … meh. I keep hoping that he‘ll change but since it’s been a year already I‘m not sure if staying with him is the right thing. ok now I answered my own question already kek sorry for rambling
No. 450119
>>450101you should probably leave your BPD
victim in the past, even if you're better now. he'll always remember the unmedicated you and be worried it would come back
No. 450120
>>448594Yeah that's fair enough it's just a problem in one particular way. I asked him to move in with me before Christmas to force my family to get to know him more but he hates the idea. I really just want to be able to see him and fuck without an hour drive to town and back but he thinks my dad will resent him for being so blatant like he thinks dad doesn't know what goes on when I spend every weekend with him. Maybe he's right but if he thinks we're going to keep doing date nights rather than move in together to make my dad more comfortable then he's got another think coming.
I think I'm going to give him another 6 months ask dad to bring him on and see how he handles the hard drought we've got coming. Every time there's a drought there's always a few divorces or bankruptcies and I think if we can muddle through it without a blowup then I'll keep him and figure out a timeline for kids. Our lawyer advised me not to marry him while he was in the room and he took it pretty well so the first big hurdle is over.
No. 450345
I spent the past week really thinking over my current relationship with my boyfriend, and things are not good. I had been avoiding thinking about things thoroughly for a while because I knew they'd be bad, but now I really don't know what I'm going to do. I had a nasty breakup around a year and a half ago and spent 8 months trying and failing to get over it. The only men who expressed interest in me during those months were the kind that only saw me as a hole. My parents saw how bad I was doing and pushed for me to try meeting people on dating apps. But I couldn't bring myself to try and look for anyone else romantically. I didn't want a new partner, but I did want someone to be around and talk to. I tried Bumble Friends but got ghosted by all the women on there. I also tried going to places/events in person, but nobody reciprocated my efforts there. Combined with the fact I was working somewhere that made me dread waking up every day, things were not good. I got a new job though, and had to move for it. A bit after I moved, one person approached me while I was out in public. He seemed genuinely interested in me as a person first, rather than a guy looking for easy sex. We clicked immediately because we have a lot in common. Our values align pretty well save a few small things, and we come from very similar backgrounds. I was beyond happy to have somebody new in my life, especially one who was so kind and fun to be around. But, since he is a man, it only took like 3-4 weeks of us knowing each other before he came at me with "Actually I like you and want us to date now."
I wasn't looking for a relationship considering I was honestly still very hung up over my ex. But on the other hand, I was desperate for any connection I could get so I very stupidly just went with it. At that moment I didn't think I was capable of meeting/keeping anyone else around since I had just spent the last 8 months entirely alone with shit luck to go with it. We have been 'dating' now for 6 months, and I am not attracted to him at all. Having sex/kissing him was something I could tolerate at first, but in the past few months it has started to make my stomach turn. My already low sex drive has plummeted even further. I hate that I feel this way because he is a super sweet person, and has introduced me to so many amazing people and opportunities too. We always have fun doing things together, and I don't regret meeting him at all. He has so many great qualities but god I am just not into him. Dating was the worst thing I could have agreed to. He often tells me about how every time he talks with his parents, he gushes about me and will relent about just how happy they are for us. It makes me just want to die. I do not want to be with him anymore, and I never truly did. For a while I forced myself to not think about it because maybe I was just apprehensive about falling in love again. But no, I just do not love him like that. I have come to slowly accept that what I needed in that moment was a friend, I was far from ready to jump into a relationship. It was a split-second decision made at my most desperate during one of the lowest points in my life. I just didn't want to risk another indefinite period of loneliness. I really should have just risked it. We might have even remained friends to some extent considering it was so early. I don't think that is possible now. There is also the fact that he shares a lot of qualities with my ex, like his favorite shows, movies, and songs. Even some small hyper-specific things. It genuinely shocks me. I suppressed those specific thoughts when they arose because it made me feel so uncomfortable each time, but I do think these similarities subconsciously affected me. Maybe some part of me wanted to be with my ex still instead of with him, and those small things they shared distracted me. I feel so guilty because has never once treated me poorly, but I do not want to be with him for the rest of my life. I just wish to be single again so bad it hurts
No. 450695
>>450345as
>>450520 said - you can either do this now, or you'll end up doing it after marriage/mortgage/kids when it is so much more difficult. It's easier to leave when you have no ties. Your long post already signifies that you've given this a lot of thought, but you do want to leave this relationship. Most importantly you don't love him. It doesn't matter that he's never treated you badly, you don't have to stay with him. You also don't have to not be friends - yeah things might be awkward for a few months, but if he's as decent as you say - you can go back to being friends at some point.
No. 450850
>>450716That is partially why it has been so difficult. I can tell how in love with me he is, but I just won't ever feel it back. There is this fear I have that nobody is going to have that level of love for me again, and it has kept me from ending things. But I really am just wasting my youth, and his time too. The attraction thing you mentioned is probably the worst part. I tried my best to ignore the fact he is really unattractive, and its like he just got uglier over time. Maybe if he was just a bit better looking, I could stick it out. But you can't change most of the things that I find unattractive about him. I am no model, but the arrogant side of me knows I shouldn't realistically have to date down so hard. Honestly I almost wish I would have ghosted him after he threw the relationship idea out there, maybe he would have backtracked a bit.
>>450695Yeah, thank you for the reassurance. Imagining myself married to him made my stomach drop, I am just gonna make it worse for both of us if I continue the relationship much longer. I suppose I needed a place to vent it out before I actually went and ended things with him. We might be able to be friends again in the future, but if it doesn't happen I at least have some good memories from it all. I have a pretty good support system with my few friends outside of him, so I'm positive I'll make it out in the end.
No. 450949
>>450854If I roleplay that situation in my head, the only emotion that comes up for me is relief. In this scenario he would have been able to move on and find someone new who returns his feelings, because I do think he deserves that. And this is regardless of if said person is way prettier than me, I would be thrilled for him either way. Comparatively: when I was still hung up over my ex, thinking about him moving on with someone after our breakup physically hurt. My chest ached at the idea of it. I now know my ex is with someone new and I am at peace with it, she honestly sounds like an amazing person from what I have heard of her. But thinking about my current BF moving on just doesn't spark any negative emotion at all, I feel as if I would be instantly happy to see him with someone new. Even if it happened a day after we split ways.
Back to the appearance thing for a bit though, I know that he knows we are far from looksmatched. This all feels so egotistical to write, but I can't help but feel it is entirely true. Lately, he has been saying things like "I am still so surprised you're dating me because I never thought I would even have a chance with someone that looks like you." He has dated people before and is super charming, so its not that I think he would die alone without me. But realistically I just don't think a anyone above a "6/10" would settle down with him for life. Even just a couple days ago, he dropped a line like "Whenever you go out to visit family and I'm not going along with you, I get worried you will realize how much better you can do than me." I already started realizing that I 100% did not want to be with him anymore before he said it, but the guilt and self-hate hit me like a truck to hear him verbalize exactly what I'd been feeling about him. It is almost like he subconsciously knows something is coming, and has for a couple of weeks now. I worry a lot that leaving him will tank his self worth, which is difficult. I honestly feel like he has tied some amount of his self esteem to having me around and having some kind of 'claim' on me.
No. 450963
>>450949It sounds like you genuinely like him as a friend nonna, and want the best for him, but are utterly repulsed by him romantically so the only option here is to be merciful to yourself and kind to him by ending the relationship so he can move on with someone he likes more and you can move on with someone you like more (or even as a single, but not trapped in a relationship with a man you're repulsed by). It doesn't sound like there's any reason to stay in this relationship because it's actively hurting you both. You don't have to tell him you actually find him hideous and think you're too good looking for him either, maybe the confidence boost he got from this will help him with dating in the future and it sounds like you think he's a good person who deserves happiness so that's fine. You shouldn't ever date down out of charity though it's not good for you. Respect yourself and your own feelings.
If it's about the guilt that you will tank his self esteem then just plan a way to break up with him/a reason to give that doesn't hint at there being anything wrong with him or you thinking you're too good for him. You can make it about yourself (hey sorry I realized that when we started dating I was still hung up over my ex and I still feel like I haven't processed the breakup even after dating you for so long, so I don't think it's right for me to continue this because I've been suppressing feelings instead of working through them and moving on, for example). But if he still senses that you're out of his league and experiences a drop in self esteem because of that it's not your fault, men aren't entitled to beautiful women just because they're nice.
No. 451419
My husband is very good at comforting me when I’m just slightly anxious or upset and in general seems to be much more emotionally intelligent and empathetic than most men (at least that’s what other women keep telling me), but when I’m very upset about something he suddenly completely ignores me during the episode and for a day or two afterwards. As in, he acts like I’m invisible to him. Doesn’t talk to me or acknowledge me in any way. Yesterday evening while I was getting ready for bed he was very friendly and lovey, gave me a hug, asked what my plans were for the next day. Then I got a text message that upset me a lot and I spent the rest of the night sobbing but he didn’t even ask me what was wrong, just turned his back to me and went to sleep. It’s now almost noon and he hasn’t said a word to me. Just acts like he’s alone in the room.
What the hell is that about? It doesn’t happen often, maybe a few times a year. But it happens consistently every time I get very upset about anything. When I ask him about it afterwards he deflects and denies, saying he’s just too tired to be social. But he wasn’t too tired five minutes before I started crying, and he isn’t too tired to socialise with people other than me. It feels like he’s punishing me but for what? Being sad?
Inb4 “leave him”, I’m a disabled NEET who’s financially dependant on him and we share a house. My status as a disabled NEET is the source of the crying fits in question, and he knows this. I’ve been looking for a job for years but every time I think I’ve finally found something it gets snatched away, which is extremely demoralising. It would be nice if my own husband could at least pat me on the back and say “there there” or something, I don’t know.
No. 451429
I have been stuck in a strange situation for years now, and finally there is a end in sight. Familiar story, my boyfriend is lovely person in every other way, but… Long story short, he has some deep issue with sex, because of that we have never, not a single time been in an intercourse during our almost nine year relationship. He has done other sexuals thigns for me, but whenever I tried to do something for him, he literally moved me aside. There was excuse after excuse, always a reason, we will do it later, again and again and again. We tried to talk about it, even in expensive therapy, but he never said what was wrong. He has had physical illness, but it has now been healed, no change.
He also cheated me with someone on fucking second life, the first time I somehow let it go as an "accident", the second time I yelled at him, had our dog not been in the room I would have hit him. That was the moment our relationship finally died on my end.
I have been gathering courage for years, and even tried to leave him, but he is such a good talker, maybe a manipulator, he always made me change my mind.
Well the last talk was on evening before my birthday (I think he chose this time deliberately, since my parents were about to come to visit, so I wouldn't make a fuss?). Then I said I am sure I want to end our relationship, he of course didn't. I said I want to spend this christmas and new years normally, and left it at that. The mood in the house has been a little strained, otherwise rather normal.
Wednesday I sent an apartment application, yesterday I was at showing and this morning I got an email that I got the apartment.
I'm sad and bit scared, but also hopeful. I know this was the only correct solution. I can only say, don't be like me nonas, if you have serious issues in your relationship and you are unhappy and lose your self confidence, try to fix it immediately and if that doesn't work, leave! Value your own life, as I now value mine again.
No. 451446
>>451421I do want to salvage the relationship. This cold shoulder nonsense is very out of character for him, which only makes it more jarring. I’m hesitant to seek out a therapist because in my experience they’re at best useless and at worst they just create more problems. I’ll see if I can talk to him about it, but I’ll need to find the right moment to do so because if I do it while he’s already tired or stressed he will just shut down again.
Sometimes I wonder if he feels insulted by my unhappiness, like he thinks I’m being ungrateful or something. But he knows that me feeling useless and unfulfilled isn’t his fault. We met at university and for a few years we were on the exact same track, but while his career flourished mine ended up being horribly derailed. If the roles were reversed and I had a well paid, well respected career I loved while he was miserable stuck at home through no fault of his own I think I would empathise with him, not get annoyed with him for being sad about it. Especially if he was actively trying to change his situation for the better like I am trying to do.
>>451426Normally I’d agree but in this case I’m not so sure. We also have small children under 4 so me being available to do all of the childcare and housework makes his life much easier than if I worked outside of the home. He earns enough to support all of us. He doesn’t like the idea of me getting a minimum wage job because we wouldn’t benefit at all financially (childcare is extremely expensive where we live) and it would be more stressful for everyone. So even if he doesn’t express it often, he’s at least aware that me being a SAHM benefits him and the kids. Maybe you’re right that he doesn’t respect me for it, though. Everyone in our social circles looks down on SAHMs, which obviously doesn’t help me feel any better about my situation.
>>451439I haven’t because I’m afraid he’ll reject me and make me feel even worse. He’s not autistic and actually has a background in neuropsychology so you’d
think he’d understand concepts such as “sad wife wants hug” but I suppose you can never know with men. I might try it next time but I don’t know if I’d survive it if he shrugged me off.
Sorry for the autobiographical novel, nonnies. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to talk about this.
No. 451555
>>451446Why the fuck are you crying and getting demoralized by a lack of a job when you have kids under 4 and you staying home works actually works better for your situation?? Give yourself a break jfc, that's not even being a NEET. If your social circle looks down on you, they're shit friends and snobs.
We can't explain his behaviour, you'll need to make him talk. Ok, he tries to shut down the convo but so what? Don't let him. You should be able to be confrontational with your husband in order to determine whether his lack of concern is indicates a fundamental relationship breakdown (he doesn't care about your feelings and hates you for having them) or a situation you can fix (feels awkward and thinks you need space or has hurt feelings that you're not happy). If you're too intimidated or afraid of him to force this conversation you have bigger issues.
No. 451601
>>451555I agree with this advice. There's no clear way for us to know why he does this unless you actually ask him why he does it and continue to confront him until he agrees to talk about it. First of all it sounds like your self esteem is suffering because you are sad about your career getting derailed even though you are fully contributing to the family right now in a way that is even financially helpful for your husband, so even if you feel bad about your career you shouldn't denigrate yourself by calling yourself a NEET and shouldn't take your friend/peer group seriously when they deride SAHMs. But you need to be able to stand up for yourself, both with your friends and in your marriage, and confront what is happening.
Giving you the cold shoulder when you're in distress seems like emotionally
abusive behaviour and if I had to hazard a guess I'd say it's likely because men who often feel taken care of (he probably does if you're raising the kids and taking care of the house even if he provides financially) get resentful when they have to suddenly be in the 'carer' role. Actually I've even had women treat me this way when I was the one usually doing more of the caring and empathizing/helping role in the relationship; they would shut down completely when I needed help. Maybe he normally perceives that you are the 'strong' one in the relationship and resents times when the dynamic seems flipped or feels like your emotional moments are irrational, but at any rate he should be willing to talk about it if it's something that consistently upsets you and you need to grow a backbone and actually force the conversation.
No. 451616
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Are there any other nonnas out there who have left their boyfriends or husbands due to the partner developing disabilities that mean they've had to stop working/cut down on working? I'm aware of how selfish this sounds but I've had some pretty serious news that is probably going to significantly change the dynamic of my relationship and I can't tell if I'm just being a selfish autist or if I really just need to leave this all behind me because none of this is what I wanted.
When I got into the relationship I expected both of us to be working and this was the standard - not even rich or super successful, but you know, reasonably comfortable and stable. And for 90% of that long relationship we were both working (I still am ofc). I have a great business opportunity ahead of me so long as I work hard over 2025, but it feels like my partner is dragging me down through being in and out of work and now a disability diagnosis that interrupts ability to work (epilepsy). I know that sounds self-centered, but I did not ever want to be someone's carer or mother figure in a relationship, even though I know he cannot help the seizures. I did not expect to have to be solely responsible for driving and on top of that, responsible for finances for the most part. I wanted to be an equal, as shallow and cringe as that may sound. I would like some advice or help from people who have been through similar things and you can be honest and constructive.
I'm aware I also sound like a moid when they pull the "leaving disabled wife" thing but something about the dynamic of the relationship changing so seriously is just turning me off massively. He will still be able to work, just not as much, and will have a harder time doing so, and thus I'll be down as the breadwinner, which in itself is not so much of an issue, more the fact that it's kind of putting me off to picture me in the position of breadwinner/provider. I don't know how to feel about any of it, and it's not like he's self-employed either so he has the wiggle room to accommodate for seizures. Sorry for sperging.
No. 451625
>>451616Didn’t even read all that and I said “leave” immediately kek. Men waste no time in leaving you high and dry, they’ll cheat on you while on your death door fighting against chemo and cancer. Fuck men.
Leave if they become a burden or aren’t as useful as they were before, they’ll do the same to you.
No. 451627
>>451616Women have been shamed into being the ultimate martyrs in relationships while men can and are ultimately selfish and will always guarantee their own self interest.
Why should you feel ashamed for not wanting to be a caretaker? Why should you feel ashamed for wanting someone who is equal? Although noble it’s difficult and yes it’s a burden, call me ableist or whatever, I don’t care.
There are men who don’t even question themselves when they hear on their wives with terminal cancer, who leave their wives if they have chronic illnesses; there are boyfriends who leave they’re girlfriends because they’ve been raped. And you know what? They don’t feel any shame, so why should you?
In sickness and in health is always respect by women, never men. We should be actually more selfish.
No. 451630
>>451621He's had one of those heart monitor things (I'm not sure what they are called but it was through the NHS years ago) but they couldn't even find the cause or anything related to said seizures beyond him having a slightly abnormal heart rate, and even then the NHS were not very helpful with finding out
triggers or any brain abnormalities etc. He would definitely try medication yeah, and I'm hoping that he can find something that can turn his life back around to normal without having fear of losing his jobs because of seizures and the nature of his jobs not being able to accommodate for them, the same with driving.
>if you could both agree to move somewhere with good public transitThe public transport where we live now is pretty decent and cheap fortunately, he's just also massively disappointed because he did really enjoy driving.
>Whether you stay with him or not comes down to how you feel about kids.We don't have kids (fortunately) and never wanted them either, but what you said about housekeeping and the roles in the relationship is very true nonna. I don't know how he'd fare with it because it's always been him working more than me, and me doing most housework because I work from home and currently work part-time (which will change after I get the business). We just used to split the housework based on who was working the most at the time. I absolutely wouldn't stand for me working full time AND having to clean up, that would be a very much clear sign to gtfo for me, but the things I'm concerned about haven't necessarily happened yet so everything's up in the air. Sorry if that doesn't make sense.
>>451622>>451625>>451627All
valid answers nonnies, thank you for being honest with your thoughts. These are the things I'm concerned about, too. I've spent enough time both irl and on here to hear about far too many stories of women essentially giving up their 'spark' or joy for life to look after a man, and once I take over this business opportunity I think I'll be in a better spot (and also have more money) to make a clearer judgement. But I understand your opinions very well and I don't want to end up potentially holding myself back too much if it comes to that.
No. 451661
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>>451630don't feel bad. women are conditioned from the time they can understand words to be more empathetic, to take on the pain and struggling of others, and to put men before themselves.
No. 451741
>>451616You need to do what's best for you. Even if it sucked from his point of view that you left, your most important responsibility is to yourself and your happiness. Also, there's a chance your growing resentment over him and the situation might make the relationship unsalvageable anyway?
A close relative of mine is in a similar position, plus there's kids involved. I've seen how much stress his illness brings to her life. How it limits her comings and goings, how anxious she gets when she does get to go somewhere, the immediate worry if he doesn't answer his phone right away. Seems like the disorder requires a lot of sacrifice from the spouse, and if you're already feeling skeptical you should leave.
No. 451753
>>451616As a counterpoint to what some other anons are saying I think it depends, you mention your relationship is a very long one and that it was financially beneficial to you but you don't say much about the relationship itself, how in love you are or what he brings to your life outside of these things. I became chronically ill and was very lucky to have someone around who actually just picked up all the slack for me for the things I can't do so I relate to the sick person's side in this too, but I also bring a lot to the relationship with that person and always have (e.g. I have higher education and earning potential despite the health issues), so I don't feel super guilty about it most of the time. But I think if he's just a guy you think is okay, which is the tone I get from your post, it may be better for both of you for you to cut and run sooner rather than later so he doesn't become dependent on your help and so you don't become resentful. I think the hardest thing for me would have been if I had gotten sick, had someone pretend they were going to get through it with me, make me depend on their help and then dump me randomly years later. So if you can make up your mind pretty soon to leave I think it would be better to rip off the bandaid sooner rather than later.
However if I'm misreading the tone of your post and you are super in love with this man and he has been absolutely wonderful for your 'very long' relationship it might be worth giving him a chance and seeing how he will adjust to illness - no matter who you choose to be with there is a likelihood they will develop some kind of problem sooner or later and a lot of the time people make it work and it becomes manageable eventually. Other anons are right to point out that most men leave when their wives get cancer and that women do it more often, but it really depends how badly his seizures are going to affect both your lives and how much you care about the relationship outside of that. I don't think you should feel guilty if you decide to leave but I wouldn't immediately jump to catastrophizing if you otherwise want to stay.
No. 451852
I'm having trouble with my husband. I'm feeling pretty lonely in the marriage, he spends most of the time during the day in his office, from day to night. He works from home so a lot of it is work, but I also catch him playing video games. It's a sore spot that happens periodically, WOW releases some new expansion and he gets into it for a month and barely spends time with me, complaining about it just makes him frustrated and goes nowhere, but after he drops it for a bit and is more attentive. But either way we don't spend much time together on an average day and I barely get time to talk to him. When he does talk to me it usually just complaining about something with work, there's not much back and forth. There's also been multiple times where I started talking to him and he pulled out his phone in the middle of me speaking, scrolled it while I was talking. I just feel like he's not at all interested in anything I have to say, but if I try to discuss it he gets frustrated. Trying to talk to him about it gets literally nowhere. His attention to me also seems to be affected by his mood, if something happens at work that upsets him he gets distant and short with me. I just feel totally alone and isolated, I get a little jealous when my friend describes having fun with her husband watching a movie or smoking weed together. I don't want a divorce, the marriage is fine besides that, when we do talk its great, don't fight very often, agree on most things, he earns well and treats me to nice gifts often, but it's just the social aspect that is suffering and I have no idea how to fix it.
No. 451883
>>451852>there's also been multiple times where I started talking to him and he pulled out his phone in the middle of me speaking, scrolled it while I was talking. i don't want to be one of those that tell you to leave him because divorce is always harder. still, that's so disrespectful and you deserve better. can you try to find a middle ground with him and find something social both you can enjoy like a co-op video game? unless he's the type to start being verbally
abusive over something small like a game.
No. 451977
>>451974It’s still near, he’ll have to see them quite regularly. And you’re not even fiancé or anything. I would be annoyed too.
You’re putting way too much pressure on him and you also expect him to up and leave his life for you. Just invite him for Christmas, spend new year’s Eve.
No. 451979
>>451976>a bit prissy when it comes to being dirty>can't stick out long days in the heat>tries hard to make me more cultured and I get the feeling I bore or gross him out sometimes >ideally wants to work in a government lab hours away from town>my dad dislikes him for not being manly enoughThese aren’t cons or pros, it’s just the way he is and he’s diametrically opposite from you. How do you plan to conciliate your life with his? Do you expect him to just leave everything behind for you? Do you plan to leave everything behind for him? There’s no middle ground here.
A quick relationship where you have sex looks fun, but long term? It won’t work nonnita. If he happens to find someone who best matches his lifestyle he’ll take it kek.
No. 451980
>>451852Have you ever tried talking to him kek? Some of you nonnitas genuinely surprise me, you praise your moid and bla bla, yet you can’t even communicate with them? If he’s that good he’s going to be open to listen to you and make a change and find a compromise without feeling attacked when you criticize him.
I love being a hater but I won’t be this time round kek, what I’m going to say is that people have different method of winding down, there are people who just want to switch their brain when they come home, there are others who like to vent etc…talk about it.
Relationships are a two way street and having a lasting and good one is just a matter of proper communication, empathy , respect and even love (although the first three are the foundation of a long term relationship imo) and that is the main reason so many relationships don’t work, they want the fairy take love , the “understanding with only a gaze” type of love, without putting any effort.
No. 451988
>>451980>>451981He literally pulls out his phone when she talks to him, he has no respect or empathy for her. A man will treat you like shit, possibly abuse you, and you're the type to ~communicate~ with him and let him disrespect you instead of leaving. lol, lmao even.
>they want the fairy take love , the “understanding with only a gaze” type of love, without putting any effort.You go girl, you're soooo much better for putting up with a moid's disrespect and abuse, unlike those silly whores who want to be treated properly from the get-go without needing to educate their moid on basic empathy 101.
No. 452000
>>451978>>451977>>451976>>451979Woah a lot of assumptions here. He took up agricultural science to live and work in the country. Yeah he would be making a sacrifice by giving up a slightly better paying job to work on my farm but he doesn't have to. The lab is even further away from the city and a 2 hour commute is fairly normal for most people around here. Ideally I'd want him to work for me so we could put his skills and education to use building the business we'll hand down to our kids together but it's not like a prerequisite or demand. He knows I want kids but that I won't marry him until long after they're born but he's still all in.
>he’s diametrically opposite from youIf those few tidbits make up the whole of your character then I feel bloody sorry for you.
No. 452874
hi nonnas, been meaning to write in here again for a while cause i've been feeling iffy and indecisive romantically. there's two guys in my life that im kind of interested in, but im unsure of which one to choose in the long run. to keep it simple, one is a lot more well rounded, pursuing his education and i can have a lot of actual thought provoking conversations with him without that sort of looming feeling you might have when you talk to a stroke, that kind of feeling like they're convinced they're better than you and in turn are above talking about things like that. keeping it short cause i'd rather not make you all yawn lol. one thing that bothers me though is the fact that he's very sexually forward, and out of nowhere, which does get on my nerves sometimes, and its something ive mentioned to him before. the other guy is younger than the first guy (still older than me). in turn, hes a tad bit more childish. still really fun and great to be around, and is still open to more deep and personal conversations. he's also physically more my type than the first guy. however, one thing that always turns me away from him is the fact that until a few months ago he used to be 'genderfluid', whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean anyways. and even glancing once at the tim or gender ideology threads tells me all i needed to know about the mental state of scrotes who are genuinely convinced that they're anything BUT scrotes, and it worries me. so my question is; who should i choose? should i choose any of them at all? do tell, cause im so unsure its actually killing me.
No. 452911
>>452684Good on you nonna. I hope everything works out for you.
>>452874Neither of these guys seem to be like a really good match for you, honestly. The gendiespecial is a complete write-off unless he's somehow changed all his ways and agrees with your stance on things. The other guy: if they're sexually forward now, this early into dating/talking, it's always a red flag. A respectful, kind and decent man wouldn't risk wanting to creep you out or sound too much like a degenerate by talking about sexual things. A good man would want to impress you in other ways than sex.
Always keep in mind that the early stages of talking to a guy is typically when they're "peacocking" and trying to act their best if they're interested in you. If being a gendiespecial is one guy's best, and then being sexually forward to the point it's uncomfortable is another guy's best, it's probably really not going to improve from there. And also if you're analyzing this stuff so early on and certain things like this are annoying you then it's probably a sign that you shouldn't mess with either of them.
No. 453201
>>453159My boyfriend visited me 2 months after talking, took him a bit because he needed to save up money and plan ahead in advance with his job. But within 2 weeks he was already adamant about meeting me, renewed his passport and was planning with me in the meantime, etc. If he's not making any concrete plans, he just wants attention and is going to waste your time.
>He keeps telling me he wants to "just talk and see where things go"Yeah, don't even bother with him.
No. 453267
>>452026Well what do you want us to say nonnita? She is already planning to move with her scrote, there’s nothing you can virtually do, we all know what happens when bi women move with their Nigel after their wlw phase.
You have to get over it and if you need to distance yourself then you shall do that, be cordial during work but don’t extend that, stop going out with her , tell her you’re busy, who cares if you have to lie. Put yourself first.
No. 453268
>>453188First of all men get ruined at 14-15 kek, there’s no such thing as a pure man who believes in pure love, even the submissive ones are only submissive because it makes their dick hard or because in reality they have no spine and they like for you to micromanage and baby them.
>Like a nerdy guyThe nerdy scrotes who are into legos, anime, who are engineers or doing IT? Baby those are porn addicts 60% of the time kek, they’re sometimes even worse than the “chads”.
No. 453791
>>453586You corrected jack shit retard^2
> When I say an "innocent" guy, I don't mean he's "pure," but rather awkward and shy.No wonder you’re in pony land, you’re dumb as hell.
No. 454387
File: 1734494772651.jpeg (70.64 KB, 625x415, IMG_5099.jpeg)
Guys im spilling spaggetti im trying to talk to a girl i know is in my radius near were i live on instagrama and im trying to bond with her after awkwardly contacting her through instagram messages. We talked a but but then the convo died and i needed a conversation to start so i sent her a funny picture of a chicken wearing shoes. I expected her to response like "haha what is that" so i can steer the conversation towards the fact that i have pet chickens but instead she saw it and said nothing. What did i do wrong? How do you send someone a picture of a chicken wearing shoes and they say nothing. God im malding crying help me fix this please i love her so much
No. 454796
File: 1734574763209.png (4.07 KB, 266x130, 1602606548310.png)
I've gotten into my first relationship and we've been official for 5 months after knowing him for 2 months before that. Was a mid twenties kissless virgin beforehand, i had been trying very unsuccesfully to find relationships for years (best I had was a 3 month talking stage which was heavily over message) and now that I've got one I'm terrified to lose it and humiliate myself.
He's had one prior girlfriend and they split up last year but were together for 3 years before that; at first at accepted it for what it was but it's been really grating on my mind recently feeling like I'll never compare. We became girlfriend/boyfriend fairly early by todays standards and I worry that he had a false impression of me and the reality is different to what he imagined, especially since I'm his first girlfriend after his long term relationship. He talks about his ex sometimes and it makes me draw comparisons in my mind like how it sounds like she was kinky and had a high sex drive where I'm extremely inexperienced and due to my insecurity find it really difficult to feel comfortable doing anything outside of max vanilla. They also used to get high together a lot, I had never smoked previously and when I tried with him it went awfully because it gave me huge anxiety. I feel like I can't live up to her.
I don't know what to do with these feelings, I feel like maybe I should bring them up to him but I'm a massive people pleaser and have been really bad with confronting people and conflict my entire life. I'm a very insecure person and I usually just internalise it because it feels useless to talk about it but I don't want to end up in a situation where I've identified these issues and ignored them thinking 'its just mental illness' then all my fears become reality and he leaves me for his ex because it would shatter me. But I also don't want to try voice my feelings then have a crying meltdown because I'm not used to expressing myself.
Apologies for sperg just needed to get this off my chest somewhere because I'm not feeling like the only girl in the world you guize…
No. 454812
>>454796Hey nona, I've been there, and so have many other people. It's normal, and it will pass. It's only natural to be a bit worried and insecure when you have so little experience compared to the person you're dating. I have some questions though–in what context is he bringing up his sex life with his ex? Unless you are explicitly asking, I don't think that should be coming up at all, and even if you did ask, the healthy thing to do in most cases would be to respectfully brush it off unless you're both trying to bond over shared experiences and differences after establishing that you can do so without any trust issues, jealous, or insecurity rising from it. He could be mentioning it as a way to try to poke and prod you to be more like her. That could also not be the case, I don't know, but either way, the next time anything like that pops up, I think you should tell him that you are uncomfortable hearing about it for many reasons: it makes you insecure, it gives the impression that he's not over her, and it's disrespectful to not only you but to his ex (imagine someone you were with years ago talking to their new gf about the way you had sex, I'd want to die).
Don't think that there's a hole she left for you to fill. You are different people, and they broke up for a reason. There's no reason to think that he's going to leave you for his ex, some people (MEN) just don't know what's appropriate to talk about or how. I'd take some time to practice writing about how you feel, like an unsent letter to him that you keep to yourself, before approaching him about this, so you can sort your thoughts out and know exactly what you'd like to express. It makes it so much easier, and in my experience definitely minimizes the likelihood of tears immediately forming the second I open my mouth lol. Anyway, good luck, you're clearly sweet and thoughtful and don't deserve to be constantly comparing yourself to someone else!
No. 454815
>>454805Gonna echo the first nona's reply and say dang, kind of crazy you got married to a guy only to end up asking that question. Not trying to make you feel bad but this is the kind of thing you should have asked a very long time ago kek. Just tell him what you'd prefer, easier said than done I know but a lot of men actually get off on hearing exactly what you prefer as long as you phrase it right and use positive reinforcement, e.g. "you know what I really like? when you angle like this and do this with your hips," etc. Idk, after enough sex with someone I stop being as ashamed and shy about speaking up when they're not doing something right, it's hard to lean into that but the first step is just taking the leap and blurting it out. Gets easier and easier from there.
>pornLet's hope he's not learning from that on his own time either.
No. 454832
>>454812Ty for the advice I really appreciate it, you’re defo right about writing it down because it all felt very scatter brained before I made the post but I feel a lot clearer on what was upsetting me now
He’s never made a direct comparison between us, mainly bringing things up as parts of explanations or stories like before we had managed to do anything he mentioned he had a high libido and they used to have sex like 7 times a day and now that we’ve started I didn’t realise how difficult I’d find it to sexualise myself after being a virgin and convincing I was unloveable for so long so I feel like a disappointment.
I think I will try to talk to him about it when I feel ready and like I can articulate it properly, I feel like it’s maybe more mature than just sucking it up and internalising all the anxiety.
No. 455765
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I find it so hard to connect with my boyfriend.
Don't get me wrong, he is caring. He's always willing to help me. But he's a screen addict. Anytime I talk to him, he's either staring at a screen or seems like he's counting down the time until he can stare at it again.
I never get his undivided attention. I want to cuddle, him to look in my eyes and say how much I mean to him… I try to do that to him but it doesnt seem like he likes it. He almost never even compliments my looks.
My gay best friend talks me up so much I have to tell him to tone it down. Sometines it breaks my heart
A surprise month of Hellmas is now in effect. For the rest of the month of December, VPN posting will be banned.