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No. 48797
>>137509The thing that you have said which stands out most is that you feel bad for having something wrong with you. You're not alone in feeling like that, but there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, there is nothing wrong with you. There is no magical time limit when you should 'get over it' or be 'cured'. Feelings are feelings, and yours are
valid. This applies to the other anon too.
If your partner loves and understands you then he will feel the same. You aren't 'being a hassle' or something like that, it is something which is important to both of you, not something for you to deal with alone. Talking to him about it is really important, but you should set the goals on how much you are willing to explain.
I know you can't afford a therapist but have you looked for local support centres? These centres aren't just for woman who have just been attacked this week, they are also for long term support and they can sometimes even offer email support. I know you have already looked online for advice but many centres also put writing online, such as this page which mentions both flashbacks and childhood abuse, which can be reassuring to read.
http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/help-information/information-about-sexual-violence/coping-after-sexual-violence/ No. 48802
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>>137519
No. 48808
This shit was many years ago, I was around 18-19 I believe. Me and a mate was hangin out on a rooftop, we were just chilling and drinking raw vodka and of course I pass out rather quickly. Everything just went black but one of the moments where I zoned back and basically the only moment that made me know he was in fact raping my half-unconscious body was that I heard him unzipping his pants and pushed his cock inside me. After that I'm gone for a while and I wake up talking to my crying father on the phone fresh out of the ambulance. I guess I was still out of it but I could hear noises n feel shit, like hospital cutting up my clothes checking if something's broken running tests etc. Somehow we ended up falling from the roof approx 3-4 stories, and to this day i have no Idea what really happened.
I didn't report it to the police since I know how the law works, alcohol was involved yada yada. My mother and school mentor wanted me to talk about it. But never felt I had to, or really wanted. I don't know, I've never wanted the whole "victim" role. Abused sure, but fuck it. He got damages that are unrepairable so that helped my sleep at night or whatever you say. I'm not sure if this had an impact on me as a person, it sure taught me never drink on a fucking rooftop again, but I want to believe that I was lucky enough not to be affected too much, it's probably back there in the emotional graveyard. But foremost I was lucky I didn't die that day.
No. 48809
OP, I know exactly how you feel. I spent most of my adolescence dealing with sexual assault and abuse from others, the two most notable times being when I got raped at the age of 17 and then getting into a highly sexually, and abusive relationship that latest two years where my ex wanted me to be submissive 24/7.
However, I'm now in a healthy relationship and while it has been a long road, I can give some simple advice to what has worked for me.
The first thing that helped was that I communicated with my partner. I told them upfront that I felt ashamed of myself sexually and how due to my sexual past, I fear I could have a traumatic breakdown during sex. Since then my partner has been attentive to my body language and if I suddenly stop or start looking uncomfortable, he'll stop and give me a moment to breathe.
Another thing that I found worked was to not see doing PIV as being the end goal during sex. My partner and I are usually satisfied if we do mutual masturbation, oral sex etc. instead of going all the way. Sex doesn't necessarily mean penetration. It also means just simply touching and slowly doing foreplay so that I for example, can start to feel comfortable with my own body because unfortunately with having an abusive sexual past, you need to feel safe and relaxed.
I hope this helps OP. I know it won't work for everyone as trauma is very subjective, but just remember that you're not alone <3
No. 48811
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>>137524
OP here. I'm so sorry to hear about your current problems. It really sucks. I get what you mean when you say you're over your past and your ex. I'm in that situation as well where I dont need to cope with what happened anymore, I'm completely over it. I'm really struggling to find good resources for just how to deal with the post-stress of everything and continue a healthy relationship with a partner. Instead all I can find is "how to cope as an adult with child molestation!!" type things which isnt what I need.
No. 48821
I don't really know if this counts, I don't actually feel like it does, I feel it's my own fault for being stupid as a teenager.
When I lost my virginity I did it with a guy I thought was nice and I kind of just wanted it do be 'over with and done'. This guy had previously had sex with at least 5 other girls, so I thought he would be gentle and nice. But nope, he pretty much just skipped foreplay, didn't even try to losen me up with his fingers, but went straight in, dry, and held me down while I cried and begged him to stop. The next few days I was bleeding and sore and I didn't want to have sex again for a very long time.
Even when I started dating again I always had a problem getting turned on and whenever I have sex I feel myself tense up which results in it hurting and ofc. I ended up in another abusive relationship where the guy would beat me up and my only way to get out of sex was to cry until he stopped trying to touch me. I think I should probably just have gone to therapy, but I'll never tell my parents about this 'cause it just makes me feel like I'm disappointing them by allowing myself to have been in that situation.
A lot of the stories here are a lot worse, I feel sorry for anyone who has been forced into sex.
No. 48823
>>137509
I was first molested by my father when I was 10, lost my virginity to him when I was 11 when he raped me. He'd continue raping me on and off for years, until I was 15, which was when I taken out the house for unrelated reason. I really sympathize with you OP. I've been in a 3 year old relationship, we don't really do much more than kiss. When we try to have sex, I get really anxious. I get really hot, start sweating, my stomach feels sick and it feels like I'm going to throw up. I've been with this guy for a long time and I'm very much comfortable with him but sex is just ruined for me, it's something I can't enjoy because it's tied to a lot of bad memories and feelings. On a somewhat related note, I feel really guilty about what happened. I never reported what happened to me as I was scared. I sometimes wonder if what happened to me I deserved because I was too weak to say anything about it. Like, if I wasn't such a fucking coward, I could have avoided so much hurt, hurt I still feel today.
No. 48825
>>137538I'm in the same situation as you ,also with a mom who was abused by her stepdad.
Maybe its because we were really young when we discovered the abuse ? I think thats my reason..
No. 48830
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>>137545
STOP DOUBTING AND QUESTIONING THE VERACITY OF FACTS PRESENTED HERE.
THIS IS A PLACE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THEIR SHITTY EXPERIENCES, IT'S BAD ENOUGH AS IT IS, NOT A COURTROOM.
FUCK OFF
No. 48837
I can't speak about this with anyone IRL so I'm hoping you guys might be able to give some input cuz this whole scenario is fucking me up really badly
Basically, a week ago I was referred to an ED clinic by my GP and I had to have a psychological assessment. Everything was OK, asked me a lot of questions about my past, about my life now, but then they asked me if I was ever sexually abused. I was honest (I never told anyone about this before) because I figured I'm attending them because I want my life to get better so I might as well be open/honest otherwise what's the point…? So I said yes, I was molested between the ages 4-6ish.
And it's turned into this huge thing. The doctor was like "oh well you know that by law I now have to report this?" and I was like um no, what the fuck?? I actually burst out crying right then and there. I didn't even know what to say. I thought it would be confidential. I don't want to go through this whole shit. So then my appointment became less about the ED issue and more like a 3 hour ordeal about reporting this thing (they didn't tell me this before they asked me this question!!!!).
I was kind of in shock so I didn't really reply or defy them much but basically they kind of told me I have to report it. Yesterday I got a call from a social worker asking me details, saying this is going to be investigated, saying I will get a letter to give a statement because they want to meet with me… I never even fucking said I wanted to report this!! Not ONCE was I asked what I wanted.
The anxiety this whole situation has given me is unbelievable. I don't want to relive this shit. The whole time they all tried to guilt me by saying "they could be still doing this/you have to help other kids" and yes of course I feel bad about that but the entire reason I came to you guys is because I've hit rock bottom, I am not in a good place right now, this is the absolute last thing I need to deal with! I spent the rest of the day and the day after literally just lying in bed crippled with anxiety, it was so bad I couldn't even go to work that day.
Honestly I don't really know what to think of this whole situation. It just feels unfair to push this issue on me without even considering how I would feel about it? But if I think like that then I feel like total shit because now I feel if I don't report it now I'm an awful human being. I dunno, I'm 24 now and spent a lot of time trying to put that issue behind me (which to be honest isn't even what I feel is even really troubling me!). I don't know how to proceed from here. What should I do? I feel sick even thinking about it.
No. 49025
>>137555Adding this for you
http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug02What this shrink did was clearly not in your best interest (barring the fact there is a mandatory report on child molestation in your area (be that would be weird, seeing that's it's so long after the fact and you're probably not in immediate danger anymore))
Now is time to take care of yourself. Watch a movie, treat yourself with something, see friends. You didn't deserve that and I'm truly sorry it happened.
No. 49299
>>137558I fucked up my link earlier :
http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug02/ethics.aspxFrom what I'm reading, it seems that there maybe is some form of mandatory reporting of sexual abuse on minor (
https://deshocks.com/2013/04/23/speak-no-evil-how-victims-of-sexual-abuse-are-treated-once-they-report/), but still, I think he mishandled it since you're not a minor anymore.
It's a shitty system and it seems your shrink handled it in an even shittier way.
I'm eurofag myself and I know how psychiatry is behind here (and I'm guessing heavy catholicism in Ireland makes it even worse). I hope you'll feel better. Don't give up on getting help, it sometimes takes time to find the right shrink.
No. 49305
Honestly, I dunno if this is even sexual abuse. Mine seems to be pretty different than a lot of people's here. Basically when I was about 13, my friend (I did it to her too, we were dumb shits back then) posted my phone number somewhere, honestly it was so long ago I don't remember where. A 30 year old guy contacted me, I didn't think twice about it because well, I was stupid. Anyways, he initiated a relationship with me, and basically started emotionally abusing me. He lived in my state too, but we'll get to that in a bit. I don't want to say forced, because you know how things are with emotional abuse victims "Why didn't you just make him stop?" "Why didn't you just leave??", but he "forced" me to take inappropriate pictures of myself (basically nudes), and I became I guess I little loli cam whore for him and all his friends (all of whom were 30+). I think even a picture of my breasts ended up somewhere on 4chan, I remember he was angry about it, guess he wanted me to be his property. I did unspeakable things (its actually disgusting, I don't want to talk about it) because they said so.
Despite being a dumb thirteen year old, I was struggling a lot with having a purpose in life, so at the time my purpose was doing everything he said, everything and anything. I felt like I couldn't get any better, depression stuff that I've had since forever, etc. Eventually I woke up and realized he was a piece of shit, so I left him. He threatened to have his friends rape me and my sister, threatened to kill me (he was in the military or something, the navy I think it was) if I left. Now you might be saying "Oh whatever, empty threat." But this guy had literal mental problems. I remember him describing to me how he raped a girl while he was in the navy, drove 3 people to kill themselves, "accidentally" set fire to a building, had no issues with rape or murder, and that he always had something "wrong" with him (even when he said these things to me, I didn't leave him cause apparently I had a weird thing for actually insane people, I dunno.)
I still left, but was terrified about what could happen to me. Last thing I said to him then was a threat of legal action if I ever saw him in my town. 2-3 years later, I'm like 15, my dumb ass goes back to him because depression, but after not even 5 months I left him again because he didn't help at all, and I was scared of him. He didn't act exactly how he once did but he still to some degree, emotionally abused me. Been in and out of therapy, depression isn't anything new so I don't think what happened is why I was diagnosed. Haven't spoken to him in forever, never ever will, but the fool probably didn't care about me. He had a good paying job and had basically all he could have ever wanted, as well as apparently other "slaves", he called them.
All in all, now I don't trust people and feel like a fucking whore for letting someone see every little part of myself when I was a preteen just because they ordered me too. I fucking hate emotional abuse, its like people don't even think its a legit thing, I've started to believe it too. Anyways, maybe that relates to this? Sorry if I seem too laid back about it but honestly I'm just glad he's gone, all of those men are gone, and that I'm safe now. Parents never knew about it surprisingly, that or they did and just never said anything to me.
Sorry if anything I said in here doesn't count or whatever.
No. 49308
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just remembered this sudden shock that's still got me reeling. apparently, i was sexually assaulted by the love of my life all through high school. it is very obvious looking back on it but when it was happening my reaction was pic related. it never dawned on me. now that my counselor has talked with me about that relationship i'm in denial. or was. i just want to die now, honestly. and she says that's why i have trust issues. now that i have accepted it and now know what was going on, i'm so sad for my 14 year old self lol. my mom, she hated that guy, and for good reason. i don't even want to tell her because i know she'll try to destroy him, and i know she'll tell her boyfriend and he'll want to maim him, and she'll probably tell my father, and then it will be a big bloody mess.
i'm tearing up now because i wouldn't have these weird feelings towards guys and no trust in them whatsoever if it wasn't for him. small things they do or say can make me turn on them. i wouldn't be so lonely lol oh my goddd i just want to pummel him.
he forced the sex to happen. we weren't together over two weeks and he was trying to finger me in the gym. i shook my head against him and he paused but did it anyway. and it was painful. he would finger my ass randomly and it frightened me because i'd never know when it was coming. i let this happen up until 11th grade lol, it just never clicked. every time i would try to talk things out with him it would somehow go to sex. he would somehow end up forcing his fingers in my ass and i would be drained of all emotion. that's how losing my virginity to him was. i was trying to talk to him about our relationship and how sorry and wrong i was and he started fingering me in the fucking hallway, and then he said let's go to his truck. and i agreed, and while we were there, i thought it would be just us talking and maybe oral but when i looked over he was pantless and saying "it's now or never, let's do it right now." i was cautious because we were in the school parking lot in a truck. he wasn't even worrying about protection! i tried to find the condom i had but he kept repeating "it's now or never…well i'm gonna leave.." and i gave up searching for it and gave in. when he put it in, i was on top and i was telling him that it hurt horribly and i was smacking his shoulders and saying ow, and he fucking shoves it deeper. and that's when i think every emotion in me evaporated.
that was the biggest betrayal of my life, and i can't let it go.
No. 49309
I don't really know how to start this off but here goes my story.
I had a really fucked up childhood. At one point, my mom let her boyfriend rape me. This was a daily thing for years and she acted like it never happened. When I finally came out about it to get help a few years ago, she told everyone that I lied and that I am "just crazy". But she knows what happened. Goes without saying, but this resulted in me not receiving the help that I needed (after being diagnosed with PTSD and numerous other issues) and made my distant family shun me (I was already kind of a black sheep but after this they never took me seriously about neglect, abuse, and endangerment at home).
More recently I dated a guy that made me feel amazing emotionally and sexually. I really thought that he was the one but after being together for a while he cheated on me, dumped me, claimed that he used me for sex, and continued to sexually and verbally harass me.
Him and I have been broken up for a while now but this seriously tore me apart. It also brought me to the realization that I've been used. A lot, in both sexual and nonsexual ways. I can't help but feel like a toy.
I can't help for a while because I'm in a bad situation at home right now, but venting about it here honestly helps so much since I don't really have anyone else right now.
No. 49310
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I dont really know how to start this off to be honest.
It was in my stupid just started college/party every night phase and I made some pretty bad decisions. When I met this guy I thought he was the funniest most handsome guy I have ever met, and we hit it off really well. He would spend the weekends with me in my dorm looking up stupid youtube videos and drinking with me and I thought it was love because I was stupid at the time.
About a month into our ''relationship'' I go out with him to a party and he says that his mate (that i had just met that night) will let us crash at his place for the night because we were so far downtown and the coaches stop at like 2 in the morning so I thought that was sweet. We get there and have a couple of drinks and talk for a bit and then me and my guy went into the guest room and laid down to go to sleep. And I hate myself so much because I can remember being so happy with my head on his chest and everything and then the door opens and his friend comes in and strides right over to the bed and starts to take my pants off. At first I was laughing thinking it was like a joke but then my guy pins me down and starts helping him and I start to panic and kick out at whatever. To my horror this guy i had just met starts forcing his fingers inside me while this guy i thought i knew and trusted put me in a sleeper hold and I couldnt move. I remember saying 'no please no ' at least thirty or fourty times and looking into my guys face and just seeing nothing there.
At one point i remember thrashing and falling off of the bed then trying to run for the door to be grabbed by my hair and thrown to the floor by his friend. They both laughed and were like 'you say no a lot' and his friend ended up fucking me on the floor of his dirty ass apartment while i just laid there and hoped it would end. Its around this time my guy ''friend'' goes to leave the room and asks if he could have his K and pack of smokes now and his fat ugly pimply ass friend says yes and he leaves without even a backwards look at me.
I dont know how long it went on for but it felt like a lifetime.
When it was all done and he got off of me to go to the bathroom I didnt even wait to grab my pants or get my shoes or my purse - I just ran out of the door to the street wearing nothing but a t shirt and a sweater to cover my legs and ass. I remember running to the bus station with this strangers cum dripping down my legs and just feeling so small.
It was only later on when I was able to look back on the situation with some objectivity that I realised that I was essentially sold to a guy for a night for a pack of smokes, a couch to sleep on and a vial of K. It feels awful to know that my entire existence was only worth that much to this person I thought genuinely liked me.
Fast forward to 3 years later and Im living in an apartment with a man that treats me like a princess. I still wake up at night in cold sweats thinking about that night though. I hope eventually the pain goes away but I dont know if it ever will.
No. 49312
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I don't talk about these because I always get the canned and obvious "You should have told someone" response which makes me feel 100x worse.
When I was 12 I was still going to a pediatrician because my mom couldn't afford anything better for my age. She wasn't in the room when I was getting a check-up and after all the usual shit he had me lay down on the table-bed thing (which was comically way too short for me).
He said he had to check on my development. He then proceeded to lift my shirt, feel me up, lift my pants, and feel in between my thighs. I was pressing them together in some combination of fear and shock, but completely confused as to what was going on. I still have a memory his voice uttering a sort of mumbled "You're developing quite nicely."
I said nothing to my mom, not just about that event but about anything. I was so caught off guard and confused by the whole thing and whether or not that was something he was supposed to do (again, 12, and mildly sheltered).
Sometime after that I became hyper-sexual and looking back I'm not sure if it was just hormones or if that event did have some effect. Years later when I actually dealt with it and realized it was wrong, I felt a ton of regret for not knowing or saying anything because it bothers me thinking he may have done that to others, but there was nothing I could do at that point.
I spent my teen years having very little regard for sexual safety, but due to my mom's crazy and micro-managing, most of that came out through online relationships, until I was an adult.
When I was 22, I was staying in a friend's apartment, provided by his school, but I wasn't allowed to be there and if I was found out, everyone could be kicked out. I decided to poke around Facebook to see what old childhood friends were up to and happened to find this kid who lived down the road from me for about 3 years before vanishing mysteriously.
We hit it off and since he still lived in the area and we were really close in those 3 years he was around (he was my first crush when I was 11). I got him to come out and visit. Given how close we were as kids, and how risky my current living situation was, I decided to move in with him, thinking I'd have more freedom.
Well, I fucking didn't. I also didn't consider how much someone could change in a decade. He was no longer the sweet, introverted nerd kid I knew, and was now a sociopathic douchebag with mountains of insecurity.
To him, if I was living there, I was his property, emphasis on "his". He was fine the first month, but after that he began using all forms of emotional manipulation, convincing me that my friends didn't actually care for me. Since he'd been around during my worst years of not fitting in during Middle School and all the bullying I faced, he knew how to get under my skin. Coupled with the fact that my mom was dead and I grew up without a dad and trying to reconnect only caused a fight and he cast me out just 2 months prior to living with this guy, I was gradually convinced that I didn't have anyone who really gave a shit.
I'm a tiny vagina, and he was fairly sizable, so sex hurt and was uncomfortable and I was also nearly asexual at that point due to lots of regrets about my history (especially since my mom died while I was running away from home being a ho). He didn't give a shit that I didn't want it. He got angry, repeatedly told me I "owed him" for living there (even though I was paying rent). I would try to shower and since the door had no lock, he'd walk in and start feeling me up, and eventually force himself on me. I told him repeatedly that I didn't want it, but did it anyway, and after he left I'd sit in a ball and cry. I started showing while he was at work and he'd come home and start antagonizing me, saying I smelled, claiming I was lying about showering.
At night he'd start groping me, holding tight if I tried to struggle, putting my hand down his pants and grasping onto my wrist so I couldn't pull away.I was low on sleep, and since I'm diagnosed with PTSD, I started having more and more bad flashback dreams. I told him about them and he gave me some bullshit quote about how as adults the monsters under our bed become monsters in our head.
About three months in I really didn't know… pretty much anything anymore. I don't really know how to describe it but I was pretty lost. I became incredibly suicidal because of how lost, alone, and hopeless he made me feel. I couldn't even leave the apartment because he refused to get me a key and made it clear after I went to an alumni event during the first month that he'd be 100% willing to lock me out, and considering I didn't have a cellphone at all, well…
He insisted I was a child, started controlling what I ate (by the lat month it was 1 small microwavable cup of Chef Boyarde ravioli) and threatened not to bring home food if I didn't give him sex. I was already pretty skinny, and now I was also incredibly tired.
Sometime in Nov I had a pregnancy scare. When I told him, he ignored me for 2 days, but I managed to borrow his phone and contact the mother of a friend who lived 20min away to come help me. We picked up tests but I insisted we stay out as long as possible because I didn't want to go home. Later that night, during dinner, I started having really, really bad stomach pains and was taken to the ER and put on morphine while they ran some blood tests. Turns out I wasn't pregnant, but my cycle was incredibly fucked up. Douchebag ignored texts and calls from my friend's mom saying I was in the hospital -until- she told him I wasn't pregnant. It was likely caused by the lack of proper nutrition and sleep, but I didn't say anything.
That night did give me a bit more bravery and broke me out of my slump, so I started standing up to the douche. There were LOUD verbal arguments back and forth. Hilariously, since he's 5in shorter than me, he'd actually fucking climb onto furniture just so he could look down on me.
With relief, the forced sex started happening less frequently, but the other abuse got worse (this was when the canned ravioli thing started). I tried to get out via registered for medical assistance and getting a therapist, but they needed a statement from him saying I was living there but independent. He flat out refused to do this, stating that I wasn't independent because I was a child just because I had never been employed or gone to college (my mom died in my senior year of HS, I was a fucking vagrant. In any case this shitstain was a dropout who worked as Gamestop.)
I spent New Years with a friend who came down from an hour away, but lo and behold I wasn't fucking allowed back in, so I went to the house of that other friend whose mom helped me out before, and stayed 2 nights until I was let back in.
For the next few weeks, fights were more frequent and louder. I evolved from "child" to "crazy bitch" apparently. One night after another fight with him going above and beyond to de-legitimize the abuse and loss I'd experienced in my teen years, claiming that my mom's death was my fault because I ran away. He started asking for sex again, I refused, he surprisingly gave up and fell asleep, or so I thought. I went to sleep a couple hours later, only to wake up to him yanking down the back of my pants and trying to force himself into the "wrong hole". I immediately jumped, knocking him out of me and off balance, turned, and slammed his head against a wall hard. That was the first time I saw this kid with a look of fear on his face rather than arrogance.
Less than a week later, we get in another argument, and I ask for his phone to leave. He denies me, and goes in his room with the door shut. I kick it in at the knob, splitting the wood a bit. I try to take his phone and get help from my friend's mom again. He tries to wrestle it from me, I win and run around the apartment texting a "Come get me. Help. Serious." or something like that. I got a reply and threw his phone back at him. He was coming after me, fists clenched (he'd never punched me before or anything), but I had this massive rush of adrenaline and kept running around, shouting that he couldn't do jack shit to me because someone was on their way and if he tried, they'd know and call the cops on his ass.
He gave up and returned to his room, slammed the door.
That friend's family was moving out in a month so they'd previously said they couldn't help when I asked during New Years, but now they knew how serious it was and were willing to keep me temporarily. I had to leave a bunch of stuff behind and doucher's place because I was in such a rush to get out.
I spent the next few months repressing everything and trying to forget, I didn't wan to acknowledge anything that happened, so I found a ton of distractions (drinking heavily whenever memories came back up). It took 4 years to even begin to process it and it wasn't until then I actually ran it through my head that every instance of what he did was rape. Like, even now I get this feeling in my chest when writing that word because it bothers me to associate that word with what he did, but that's what it is.
Last winter was when I first started to actually try and deal with it, but it was rough. I did a shit ton of drinking (housemate was a liquor clerk), and would walk down the traintracks behind my condo sometimes when either sober or only mildly tipsy considering throwing myself on them, but the only thing holding me back was stories of people throwing themselves in front of cars and trains and how horrifying it was for people who had to deal with it. It wasn't just the rape, but a lot of other things he said that got to me, like blaming me for my mom's death.
I'd lost a lot of my desire for physical sex after that, but still had enough of a sex drive to talk about sexual things. Another crush who I trusted came to visit in the spring and I couldn't manage to enjoy sex with him despite my feelings for him, like that part of my brain was just shut down once it came to the physical act. I got involved in a relationship with a guy whose voice sounded almost exactly identical, and had a sleep-groping problem until I stacked pillows between us. He was really innocent and a bit of a pushover, but it still made sex incredibly rare and I didn't have the heart to tell him why.
I still struggle with it and only have one week a month where I get REALLY horny (likely just hormones). I've had sex with my boyfriend but I find it difficult unless I'm facing him so my brain doesn't start doing weird shit and bringing those memories back. I'm very wary of men and have even cast out male friends who have shown very needy sexual attraction.
I have a lot of regrets about not reporting this one either, but at the same time, when I thought about doing so while processing it last winter, I realize there's nothing that could have been done. He didn't beat me to leave marks, I lived with him, so there was nothing that I could take to court about it.
I looked him up again on FB a couple weeks ago and he's apparently dating some woman who looks like she could be his mom, so I like to hope he's grown up and that I was the only one he put through all that.
Anyway sorry for the novel, I didn't intend to write this much but it feels good to get it out.
No. 54117
>>48820Yes, yes, yes.
As a kid I showed nearly every symptom. I was so sexual, to the point where I was masturbating in public at 4-5, I would always touch myself to really violent/sometimes gory stuff, and always talk about sex to friends even though I shouldn't have even known half the shit I knew?? And now I have horrible, awful dreams constantly about molestation or rape, usually molestation with groping/grinding, which makes me wonder if that's what happened, and nowadays I get sick to my stomach if I touch myself or anything touches my nips (sorry if tmi.)
It really sucks. Half of me wishes that I would just know if it happened or not so I wouldn't be stuck in this hell of not knowing.
No. 54504
>>54117>>48820Repressed Memories was/is a commonly accepted happening in Psychology, but it's still a very bad idea to take it as a full-on truth.
What we do know: Memories change often. Our Memory of an event gets changed almost every time we speak about it. People increasingly believe reality-based dreams they had when they were younger as true memories.
Kids can be sexual at very young ages w/o trauma. You may have watched a show (remember daytime tv talk shows LOVED the sexual abuse drama), and peaked your interest to the point that you would develop an interest in sexual abuse stories/get aroused with fictional, trauma-based sexual situations. I remember I watched read a chapter in Chicken Soup for The Kids Soul about a girl's step-father touching her while she slept in his room during a storm, and I'd think "Does my dad do this to?". No. He didn't. He never did, but the more you read/expose yourself to the abuse dynamic, the easier it is to say "Well, certain pieces fit and it would explain My XYZ."
"If we assume, then, that some of the memories might be authentic and some might not be, we can then raise this question: If a memory is recovered that is not authentic, where would it come from? Ganaway (1989) proposed several hypotheses to explain SRA memories, and these same ideas are relevant to memories of a repressed past. If not authentic, the memories could be due to fantasy, illusion, or hallucination-mediated screen memories, internally derived as a defense mechanism. Further paraphrasing Ganaway, the SRA memories combine a mixture of borrowed ideas, characters, myths, and accounts from exogenous sources with idiosyncratic internal beliefs. Once activated, the manufactured memories are indistinguishable from factual memories. Inauthentic memories could also be externally derived as a result of unintentional implantation of suggestion by a therapist or other perceived authority figure with whom the client desires a special relationship, interest, or approval." - from The Reality of Oppressed Memories by Elizabeth F. Loftus
No. 54505
>>54504More from this Paper:
"Claims of corroborated repressed memories occasionally appear in the published literature. For example, Mack (1980) reported on a 1955 case involving a 27-year-old borderline man who, during therapy, recovered memories of witnessing his mother attempting to kill herself by hanging. The man's father later confirmed that the mother had attempted suicide several times and that the son had witnessed one attempt when he was 3 years old. The father's confirmation apparently led to a relief of symptoms in the son. It is hard to know what to make of examples such as these. Did the son really remember back to age 3, or did he hear discussions of his mother's suicide attempts later in life? The memories could be real, that is, genuine instances of repressed memories that accurately returned much later. If true, this would only prove that some memory reports are authentic but obviously not that all reports are authentic. "
"To say that memory might be false does not mean that the person is deliberately lying. Although lying is always possible, even psychotherapists who question the authenticity of reports have been impressed with the honesty and intensity of the terror, rage, guilt, depression, and overall behavioral dysfunction accompanying the awareness of abuse ( Ganaway, 1989, p. 211 ).
There are at least two ways that false memories could come about. Honestly believed, but false, memories could come about, according to Ganaway (1989), because of internal or external sources. The internal drive to manufacture an abuse memory may come about as a way to provide a screen for perhaps more prosaic but, ironically, less tolerable, painful experiences of childhood. Creating a fantasy of abuse with its relatively clear-cut distinction between good and evil may provide the needed logical explanation for confusing experiences and feelings. The core material for the false memories can be borrowed from the accounts of others who are either known personally or encountered in literature, movies, and television."
No. 54507
>>54505The whole paper is available here:
https://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/lof93.htmI suggest reading through it as an alternative, and better researched opinion on the topic. Not to say repression does not happen, but generally once you venture into this subject you'll find a network of people validating each other's "uncovering", using classic PTSD and War Vet Amnesia as "proof" that Repressed Memories are real and happen often. I'd rather arm people with a fuller picture of what's being theorized as happening before plaguing themselves with recovering past trauma.
No. 55446
>>49312I had my pediatrician do something similar to me. My mom was even in the room, but she was sitting behind him reading a magazine so she couldn't see what he was doing. I'd been having appointments with this doctor for a few years at this point so we were familiar and comfortable.
He was pressing his fingers on my abdomen and chest for whatever reason and checking things. Then he just casually put his hand down the front of my underwear and grabbed my vagina. He put his finger in part way and just kinda lingered there. He didn't say anything (no warning whatsoever) then just moved on like it didn't happen. It was scary, but I didn't say anything because I convinced myself that he was just doing normal doctor stuff. I definitely did not want to be considered a "whiner".
It definitely stuck with me. I would recall the event every now and then and wonder why it bothered me so much. Wasn't til I was in my late teens that it suddenly hit me that I'd been molested.
I told my grabdmother and she scoffed at me. She said this doctor was a nice man and one of the most trusted pediatricians in the community and that he would never do anything like that.
I was shocked at how callous my grandma was about it, but it's more alarming to me that this pedo is still practicing and has gotten by this long without being caught. He's in his 70's. I want to believe that I was the only one he did that to, but who am I kidding? He's probably done worse.
No. 55952
I'm really fucked up right now. Yesterday was supposed to be a chill day and I ended up telling my boyfriend and mom that I think I was abused as a kid by my stepdad.
I say think, because for the life of me I don't remember my childhood that well… Only bits and pieces and I only really remember highschool up. Yesterday I felt so relieved to say something but now I'm doubting myself. My stepdad did some shit but, I don't remember him like this and I feel so guilty for even thinking like this.
But in a weird way it makes sense because what I do remember was weird… I was weirdly sexual as a kid, I played with dolls till like I was around twelve and my favorite thing to do was pretend they where fucking. I'd decapitate them, take their faces off with nail polish and I even had a cabbage patch kid which I wrote "sex" all over. I still have that doll and it's the only real "evidence" I have.
When I got into highschool I'd let guys finger me in the hallways and empty classrooms, I jerked a guy off in the woods and the cops told us to leave, I used to drink vodka when I got home early and my stepdad never said anything about it, plus I'm a pothead (I was high when I accidentally told my boyfriend and he convinced me to tell my mom)
I've told both of them I'm not sure if it's even real, and I'm definitely not going to try and press charges or even figure out if this did happen.
Yesterday wasn't the only time this thought crossed my mind, the first time I felt it was like in December… TMI but I was in the car with my boyfriend going home one night and I could just feel a vaginal pain like nothing else. My mind flashed to my stepdad but I told myself I was just remembering the first time he taught me to ride a bike. I still believe that but, fuck I'm confused.
I googled repressed memories and I relate to quite a bit… the most noticable is the fact that I peed the bed till my late teens, after I knew I'd never see him again.
The worst part is that… for some reason I remember liking the "attention" I got.
Yesterday I felt so relieved to talk about it but now I feel guilty because, what if I lied and made everyone feel bad for nothing? Why would I even do this in the first place?
The memories I had yesterday where so fucking vivid and now I can't remember anything at all.
Someone plz tell me it was the weed.
No. 56104
>>56089That's def sexual assault, look up the legal definitions. To put it into perspective, it would have been rape if he'd penetrated you with anything.
I'm really sorry that happened to you anon, but you're not overreacting at all. That's shit that
predatory teenage boys do, and it's not normal or ok.
No. 56741
>>55446Thirding a creepy pediatrician story. Mine used to check my vagina out every visit. Like just fiddle around with it and look at it. I was never sure why he did this. My mom would be in the room. Idk. When I was about 10 it made me feel really disgusted (I didn't know why at the time, but I really wanted to cry. I held back tears because I thought I was being a baby and this was normal), so I asked my mom to change to a female doctor.
Surprise surprise, new doctor never did this to me.
To add to the shitty, I opened up to my abusive ex about this finally while we were dating. He basically immediately told one of our neighbors (not even a good friend or anyone trustworthy) about it, just to return tto me to tell me that our neighbor told me that I need to get over it. Like what the fuck.
My current BF is so kind. When I told him he held my hand, apologized for it happening to me, and told me that nobody should have ever done that to me. I cried because I finally felt like I wasn't being irrational about the situation. Finally, someone else saw that it wasn't okay.
Ironically?, having the feedback that it wasn't okay made me feel worse about what happened and about my ex just so casually talking to my neighbor about something that traumatized me and then berating me for it. I guess because I finally feel as though I'm allowed to feel bad about it.
I'm happy my current BF is helping me work through these things. I know I'll get better some day.
No. 56751
>>56744It is a big deal. Every time he touches you, it's him claiming that he has more right over your body than you do. He does not. Your body is yours. You deserve to be free of his touch. You deserve to keep your body to yourself.
I know you're afraid of losing your friends because of your female friend potentially being a "bad friend" and chosing her partner over you, but it would make you a good friend to tell her. She deserves the knowledge that could free her from a bad partner. You deserve to be free of unwanted touch. It could be really good for both you and your friend.
You deserve to own your body and be safe. If everyone abandons you after that, come here and let me know. I'll talk to you.
>>56748I'm proud of you for sharing with us. You did a great job! Thank you, from one human being to another, for allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to take this small step towards healing. You deserve to feel and be happy. I love you, stranger, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. If there's somebody that you know that genuinely loves and trusts you, opening up to them may be helpful if you ever find yourself ready
.
Again, thank you both for sharing. I hope that you have wonderful days and find freedom from your pain soon.
No. 56797
>>56753OMG this. I was molested at age 9 by a guy who was friends with my mom and rented a room in our house. I am still livid about what happened to me and that nothing was done. My mom refused to admit she knew anything but she did. When I confessed about the assault, her response was like "if I'd known I would have kicked him out." Kicked him out?! WTAF that would have been your only response? It sickens me. Also she casually made reference to seeing him around town years afterward, like it was nothing. This guy did time in prison and hurt other girls besides me. The police came to the house looking for him, bullshit she didn't know. Also a few years ago one of my childhood best friends called me out of nowhere, we had not spoken in over 20 years. She told me so much more about the stuff going on back then. So much I didn't know. He sexually abused her too, at my house. Back then we were so young and didn't know better that it was wrong. It makes me feel so guilty and disgusted. Apparently my mom was the one who made us stop being friends after that. My friend who was also assaulted told her family and they did the right thing and pressed charges. There was a whole court case and everything and she had to deal with all of that alone. I could have testified too, I could have supported her…but my mom cut off contact with her parents and we could never be friends again. I have so much guilt and anger. Her life was completely ruined. She had a litany of abusive partners since then, and last we spoke, she was deep in a meth addiction. I finally confessed about the abuse to my dad several years ago and his response was, "but I asked you over the phone if he touched you and you said no!" I was scared and ashamed and felt guilty and that it was my fault and I couldn't verbally admit it to him back then…he believed my no. This piece of shit who abused me worked in a daycare and hurt many other kids. He did time in prison but eventually got out. How in the fuck could my mom not know? I was a really messed up kid. There were tons of red flags…but my mom, being a sociopath, felt nothing and did nothing. Anyway I just meant to commiserate anon, sorry for the long post. You are not alone. I think you have every right to be angry. Some things fuck with us for life and it isn't a walk in the garden to get over stuff like that. I think the anger can be healthy. It means we know what happened to us was wrong and an injustice. It's better than being ashamed or blaming yourself, you know? I hope you find peace and healing anon. I hope that for me and for all of us who were violated in this way.
No. 56802
>>56751I'm not the anons you are responding to, but thank you so much for responding to them because reading your replies feels very validating and good for me. I hope you are having the best day you can possibly manage.
>>56753Yes, I'm an anon from many posts back with a lot of obsessive anger 6 years after abuse. Have you ever spoken to a counselor? Mine told me that anger is a very understandable part of recognizing that we have been hurt and that power was taken away from us. We are told that anger is a bad emotion, but the anger is ours and it's our right to feel it in the same way that our bodily rights are ours alone. Mine couldn't tell me how to break down my anger but recommended writing it down for only a short set amount of time to 'park' it, speaking to someone in person and also doing CBT emotion flowcharts to address your feelings. This time 2 years ago I used to lose almost every day I was alone to obsessing in anger, but now it is more like one concentrated streak of anger every month and a gentle undercurrent of hatred, progress is slow but it's there. Good luck to you and the other anon in your futures.
No. 56812
>>56797>When I confessed about the assault, her response was like "if I'd known I would have kicked him out." Kicked him out?! WTAF that would have been your only response? It sickens me.When my mom found out my step-brother had molested me for three years, she just handed me a wad of cash out of her purse. I was floored, wtf! How is that supposed to help me?!
>>56802I started un-packing everything two years ago, and it's been a bit of roller coaster. I came to the realization that I had been downplaying my abuse and started to realize how bad of a childhood I truly had. I was assaulted by three different individuals at three different points in my childhood. I wasn't counting the first two, since I was super young (first I was four, second about 7 or so), and they only happened once. I have hard core Reactive Attachment Disorder issues, so talking about feelings to anyone takes a lot of trust and my first therapist lost it.
Eventually, I started having PTSD attacks to the point where I had to go a few times to the Psych ER. From there they put me in intensive group therapy with DBT. To be honest, I understood and liked DBT more than CBT. But my personality disorder hindered those sessions since most of the time my brain says "Tell them everything is fine, no need to instigate further attention, attention of any kind is bad new bears"
They released me from the program, in which I had appointments with another round of doctors out of the program, but I decided it wasn't worth going through the pain.
I'm in a better place now, and the only reason why I get flustered is when I see my relatives happy, talking about their perfect lovely fucking lives. How nice it is that their parents paid for their car and education, and can essentially just slide right into normal life. While it seemed for me I had to jump through hoops made of fire, and get labeled the weird goth.
But in the end, I just tell myself its not worth the anger. That I should be happy that there at least a good number of people who get to have wonderful perfect lives. To make a difference, I need to work with others to make sure that this shit doesn't happen to the younger generations.
No. 56848
>>56812I'm so glad you're in a better place. You and everyone else shouldn't have to feel guilty if you ever slip up on it, you are and enough and important that these feelings are valid, please don't ever feel like you need to minimize these feelings just to live up to some standard or ideal unless it's your own ideal.
>To make a difference, I need to work with others to make sure that this shit doesn't happen to the younger generations.This. I'm not strong enough to volunteer with any of the support services just yet but I'm doing small things like donating when I can, making sure that younger kids in my or my friends families are getting the right messages and just keeping my eye on anything where my contribution could help in some way without outing myself as a "survivor". Every person deserves to be safe.
No. 58011
>>55952Have you figured anything out in the past month?
I too am struggling with questionable repressed memories. I had a dream about being molested by a family member, and it felt SO real. I was angry in this dream, which is what makes it stand out from other similar dreams.
I woke up and just bolted up out of bed and sat there for a while.
I don't know, man. I hope we both find what we're looking for.
>>55435I know how you feel. My ex was abusive too, and because of this I ended up staying with him for 6 years.
Alternatively, we rarely fucked (maybe once a week)so I was often eager (especially considering I was neglected the rest of the time). Though the only way he would have sex with me was by barely waking me up from my sleep, sticking it in for a minute or two until he bust, and then rolling off of me to go to bed. No touching me. No cuddling. Just what he wanted.
One time he stuck it in my ass without warming me up, and it hurt super bad so I moved away. He started crying and having a full blown "WHY ME?!" fit over it, stating that he could never get what he wanted. I tried to console him, offering blowjobs and vaginal, but it wasn't enough. He made me feel like shit.
When I left him, I returned to collect my things. He tried kissing me, but I stopped him. He continued to kiss me, and coerced me into sex with him. I don't think I ever told him yes. While I laid there I just started crying, though I did my best to hold back tears. I was being raped. I was raped. I don't know what to do with that. I feel like a don't even deserve to call it rape, even though I didn't want it and I told him no. He was my ex.
He also abused me physically and mentally on a daily basis, so I was terrified to try and act against his will further. Idk. Idk.
No. 58021
>>58011I'm
>>55435 and thank you for replying to me. I want you to know that what happened was not your fault, that you should never feel like you don't deserve to call it rape. I've been there too with the disgusting "WHY ME?!" fits that my ex had too, our exes were not our responsibility. It's not our duty to excuse those other people for their actions, it's not your burden to forgive, you don't owe him anything and what he did was wrong. There is no right or wrong way for you to react to what's been done, so I can't tell you what to do with that but I sincerely urge you to reach out to a support service.
Obviously I'm still not ok myself, I'm really struggling with the mutual friend thing, but going to counselling through that service has helped a lot. It's given me tools to better deal with my feelings and there's more light at the end of the tunnel or something. Just having a irl person in a room or on the phone that I could say honestly say "I was raped" and "Do other women cry this much when they talk about it?" to really felt important in some way.
No. 58024
>>58021>It's not our duty to excuse those other people for their actions, it's not your burden to forgive, you don't owe him anything and what he did was wrong.Thank you for saying this. I've been struggling with that a lot lately, especially since I've bit a bit of an asshole recently. I've been drinking too much, and texted him a few times calling him out for his abuse. I got rude towards the end though, and just insulted him (ex. I asked him if he even knew what it felt like to have arm hair; told him he looked like fucking turtle and that I hated him; etc.). I'm not that type of person, but I had so much fury inside of me that built up over 6 years of abuse. Being thousands of miles away and hiding behind texting, I was finally able to say whatever I wanted to without fear of being hurt physically or screamed at or gas lighted or blamed. It felt good, though I've been feeling guilty now. I've since blocked him to stop myself from being nasty, since my texts are now more petty than honest venting of everything he did to cause me pain.
My current bf insists that it's there's no need to apologize, as my ex was terrible to me constantly. I still feel guilty for being negative instead of being a shining light of positivity and kindness through all burden like I usually am.
If it's not too much to ask, what do you think of me being petty toward my ex? Did I deserve that sort of relief, or was it something I should regret?
Again, Thank you so much for that line, and thank you for being a friend to me on the internet. I've been feeling so lonely and scared today. Your response means a lot.
No. 58025
>>58021I'm
>>58024and I just wanted to add that those fucking "WHY ME?!" fits are so fucking stupid and annoying. Like he'd literally throw a pity party, wailing "WHY ME, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!" and crying any time anything went wrong.
God forbid I mentioned that I, a person with depression and anxiety that moved away from everything she's ever known to be with her bf at the time (only to be abused), mention that I was sad. Even saying that I felt bad would cause him to tell ME that
I was throwing a pity party! WHAT A DICK! And if him "helping" me (picking at me jokingly) when I was sad didn't cheer me up, he would get angry at me for not feeling better. I hate him so much.
No. 58054
>>58036how in your mind is this even in the definition of sexual abuse.
i can't stand cunts who are like "lollll well i knew too much about sex at a young age so i must have been abused", like no, some kids are just always interested in genitalia because it's taboo, or maybe they once saw an ad or movie that was too graphic for them at their age but they don't remember it.
No. 58070
>>55952Im not gonna tell you it happened for sure because the hell I know. But from all Ive read it absolutely sounds like it. The fucking barbies thing? Had that to. And this obsession about sex as a child, like an urge to bring it out by playing while not even remembering it back then.
Even the doubt you now have. It's nearly text book.
About "liking the attention"… that's so common for survivors of sexual abuse. It's absolutely normal for a child to like attention and to thrive towards it. It's even worse for emotionally neglected children and makes them an easy target for pedophiles (and some even cater to that). You didnt know what he was doing. Even liking the attention, doesnt mean it's your fault or that you in any way are to be accounted for it. He was the adult.
No. 58143
>>58134I think you're reaching a point where you notice the "adults" in your life are not acting like sane adults. It sucks, but its good to pick up on these behaviors before it takes a huge emotional toll on you. Especially, when its not your doing.
If it were me I would have called your aunt out on her petty bullshit. You're the cause of her potential divorce? lol nah, thats all on her and her shitty husband. Don't let shitty people manipulate you because of their shitty emotions. Time to learn some boundary setting. I'd recommend low contact for now.
No. 58144
>>56744Whatever you do, don't let it slide.
Don't be weak or afraid of whatever, please, for fuck sake.
Do never let yourself be a human carpet.
No. 58150
>>58143I guess yeah. It's a lot to come to terms with so much obvious uncomfortable interactions in such a short time.
I attempted to tell her to stop contacting me because I was uncomfortable with her forcing me into interactions(she calls/texts me every single day and usually asks me to come over to her house most weekends now) and she threw a fit, saying stuff like "if you hate me just tell me", and that my mother and I should move out of the house we share with other family members so she can move back in and not have to deal with us. My mother has also been hit on by her husband so I guess it makes sense to include her in being forced out of the house(and by extension, family)? I don't even know what she's doing anymore.
No. 58153
>>58011No, haven't really made any progress. Just reoccurring nightmares.
>>58070I kind of realize this now but.. I just don't know. I kinda just want to continue thinking this never happened to me
No. 58464
>>48533I'm in the same boat as you, and it's very hard for me to be sexual with my husband unless I drink or get high first so I can be relaxed enough, otherwise even if I initiate the sex and I enjoy it there ALWAYS comes a point where I just start panicking and sobbing and just, have a huge panic attack. He's understanding and he knows what happened to me but it's still so embarrassing and I can't stand it.
Also, does anyone else here who is a CSA victim experience other mental health problems as an adult because of it? For example I know my disassociation began when my CSA began, and I feel like there are other people living in my head. One of them is the physical embodiment of what I was conditioned to be as a child. It was (at first) """otaku"" lolicon men who did it to me and wanted me to be a loli/little sister when I was 9-10. So I have a personality I feel like just appears in my body without warning that is that like, lolicon otaku girl and I start binding my chest and just. Phasing back into it even though I'm 21 now. Another thing is I feel like its impossible for me to grow up now. My room is so childish, I collect toys that remind me of when I was a child before I was molested/raped, disney princess/power puff girls stuff. Actually its specifically from when I was 5-6, before sexual abuse but I was being beaten and verbally abused at that age. Anyway, I'm extremely dependent and childish and I feel like I'm clinging to my childhood and trying to relive it and I feel like I can't stop. My husband doesn't mind this at all and enjoys taking care of me, but I know some of my family members think I need to stop liking childish things, idk I'm just rambling. I want to be a child forever, but a happy child who is not being beaten or raped.
No. 58469
>>58464it gets hard to explain because it gets confused with dissociative identity disorder a lot, which you do not seem to have, because for that you would have to need chronic amnesia about days months and years in your life to happen as a major factor.
what you describe is in some sense a milder version of it. like every healthy personality is consisting of many, many aspects of personality. like you can be a housewife and at the same time a sensitive woman, at the same time you have a job that takes different requirements on you, and so on. also every person has something called the "inner child", as in the person you were as a child.
people that experienced trauma in childhood usually have dissociated the aspects of personality which is what you describe. it's also called traumatized identity, of course it's worse when the trauma is occuring in childhood because the identity hasnt even developed fully.
People with a consistent personality are aware that they take different roles e.g. at work and at home. A person with dissociative identity disorder would switch between those states and then only remember being at home, not remembering the prior hours at all. A person with traumatized identity can be confused about who they really are, they can suffer from depersonalisation where they feel strange about how they handle situations and such, but they do always remember. Simply put together thats the difference.
I have that too. My father was very authoritarian and verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. When authority figures are strict with me or other people take up an authoritarian tone, I immediately and automatically switch to being very obedient. It's especially weird since beside that reaction Im rebellious and predominant and such.
you can read a little about traumatizide identity here:
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/05/17/childhood-trauma-identity-problems-and-how-to-tackle-them/If possible you can look for professional counselling in sense of psychotherapy.
No. 65776
I was molested by my stepfather starting around the ages of 10 or 11, idr really; it's been going on even to my early-mid 20's. I don't really want to talk about how exactly bad I had it without being constantly triggered all day for writing this, like I'm getting as of right now so I'll just write this first segment as short as possible. All I can really say for the moment is that I wasn't raped (though there were at least one or two attempts, I'm not sure since I mostly try to block it) but there were things I didn't want to see, hear or even feel as a kid. And every time that happened I scream or cry until he gets annoyed and leaves me alone.
Many, many years later I decided to break silence to my therapists as of late last year because I couldn't handle the influx of occurring flashbacks from other (physical and mostly emotional/mental) abuse caused by both parents and got (properly) diagnosed with major depression and PTSD with psychosis afterwards.(I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before)
One time I told my psychiatrist that my stepdad was trying to grab/harrass me again and after about a week without my knowledge, he and my previous therapist decided to call (and inform me about) APS/CPS and reported what was going on mostly because there was a 3-year old (my nephew) involved in the hellhole I still call home.
The reason why my nephew was involved was because I confided about my brother's illegal drug and alcohol abuse and how he's constantly abusing his girlfriend, along with how my stepdad is physically and emotionally abusive toward my mother whenever he gets drunk. I thought these people were gonna keep this shit confidential but I guess not, and by that time it was completely out of my hands.
All nine immediate family members plus gf were interviewed…
A few months went by and I denied any allegations (the molestation) thrown at me for the sake of the rest of my family not hating me for ratting them out like that. I couldn't bare the thought of them disowning me for what I've done so I stfu. However, I have a strong feeling my mom knows about my stepdad molesting me; probably knew for awhile and I think during the interviews pretty much confirmed it. Nowadays she stands as a stronger barrier between us (me and that asshole I'm still forced to call "dad").
After everything cooled off he still continues to harass me, I try to avoid him like the plague or give him dagger-eyes to make him leave me alone or pretty much just ignore his very existence but that can be hard sometimes because we're all living in the same house. The man made/makes my life a living hell just because I'm not his biological daughter (my mom married him three years after I was born) and I sometimes believe he's the devil in disguise. I'd tell my shrinks he's still continue to make advances towards me but am afraid another "crisis" will come of this again and I don't think I can handle it one more time.
Because what had occurred in the past, I have a hard time trusting men without feeling paranoid of being taken advantage of due to being deemed "weak" (especially older men whom obviously had ulterior motives disguised as friendship) unless I'm in a safe area of wherever with both genders involved and am repulsed by the idea of sex even though I'm straight/cis.
As long as I'm still living with them, I'll be constantly on my guard like I always have been until I hopefully/finally transfer to uni. For now, I'll just have to continue with my routine of school and work (if I land a job); just living my own life which helps.
>inbe4 why are you still living with your parents?
With this economy, and having to wait a year for an apartment in the blind (and if you're just disabled) community, I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Sure, I could go to one of the women's shelters but…it's just complicated.
No. 65777
>>58469
>When authority figures are strict with me or other people take up an authoritarian tone, I immediately and automatically switch to being very obedient. It's especially weird since beside that reaction Im rebellious and predominant and such. I am the same way as well, especially in a job or school setting. I'm usually independent in other areas but am forced to obay and rely on others because "they know best" or
else. This is something I really want to change, especially because I plan to go into law.
No. 65872
I was raped multiple times in high school.
In a way I'm almost thankful though that I was intoxicated each time because I couldn't really feel it, not sure if that sounds bad or not, but it's how it is.
What's almost even weirder to me though, is that it honestly didn't affect me until about a year after the last occurrence. & even then, I never really felt any feelings of guilt, sadness, or shame. Just pure fucking rage. It's shocking how many people called me a liar, said I was a whore and deserved it. I always knew people were cruel but not to that extent. Worst thing is, the last occurrence was a gang bang & there's apparently a video of it floating around somewhere, but the cops who came to my school did nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. The worst that happened was one of the kids involved got suspended for like a week even though he had made a derogatory comment towards me concerning the event. I was really violent towards his girlfriend, I realize that probably wasn't the best/most mature thing I could've done at the time, but I was just so hurt. And more people were angry at me for calling them out on their bullshit than they were at them for literally raping me.
I'm doing okay now & I'm not asking for sympathy or anything. Just wanted to share my story because I think it's important to recognize that there's no 1 specific way for victims to feel after going through such a traumatic experience. My heart goes out to all other survivors, especially the ones who've yet to find peace.
No. 68211
I've never fully talked about this but this seems like a decent place to get it all out. My uncle, by marriage, was a total creep and every time I went to spend the night he would grab my breasts and ass, make sexual comments to me, in the mornings he would jump into bed with my cousin and I, pretending to be funny about it, but he always had an erection that he would press against me, or he would hug me/pick me up while pressing his erection on me. Come to find out he was also raping my cousin. He ended his life when I was 16 because she turned him in, so all of this happened before that age, I'd say around 12-15, when I stopped going around him.
At the time, I didn't know what to do about it and was too afraid to tell anyone so I just stopped going to their house to spend weekends with them, which I used to do all the time, those cousins were my best friends, and later, my little sister went to live with them. So long story short, it ruined my relationship with my sister and cousins because they always thought I was avoiding them and didn't want to be around them, I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what was really happening, even more so after finding out he was raping my cousin, because then I felt guilty that my situation wasn't as bad as hers.
I don't know what I am getting out of posting this here, I just need to get it out I guess. Sorry for any weird wording, I've had a few drinks, which I guess is what it took to get this out.
No. 68357
I got sexually molested by a female "friend" when I was young and I have a hard time befriending or getting too close to females now. This girl basically bullied me (she broke my finger once by slamming it into a door) but lived across the street in a small town, and my mom and her mom talked often, so I'd be stuck there with her when my parents were out. I was told she'd been watching porn and was trying to 'mimick' the acts. She'd make me take my underwear off and look at my crotch and she'd stick stuff in it randomly like toys or lipgloss tubes, then stretch my labia until I told her to stop, they're really long now and I always wonder if that had something to do with it. She'd get on top of me like the 'man' and stick her knee into my crotch and push down on it. It was always really embarrassing and painful and I didn't know what was going on. Her parents only found out about some of the stuff, because they found her on top of me, clothed, in a weird position. After this happened my mom forbid me from seeing her and we moved shortly after. I never told her exactly what happened but she asked if she did other stuff and I said yes. I have a hard time with toys now too because of the weird penetration that happened. I've grown to be disgusted by porn, and most sexual things that aren't just plain sex with my boyfriend, which took almost a year for me to be okay with. The last thing I remember about her was seeing her when my grade school and her middle school had an event together, then I never saw her again.
No. 188885
File: 1622469203374.jpeg (274.89 KB, 900x498, crying....jpeg)
2 years ago I was gangraped in front of my bf and everyone including my bf sided with the rapists.
I was with my bf and his frat friends at a party and after drinking some alcohol I felt extremely aroused(someone put drugs in my alcohol). When my bf went to the bathroom one of the frat guys sits in his spot and starts groping me, I start rubbing his cock through his pants and then he starts making-out with me and then another frat guy comes over and they both take my clothing off and then they take out their dicks and force me to jerk them off. I put one of the dicks in my mouth for a bit before switching to another one over and over again because the drugs made me extremely aroused. My bf comes back and just stares at me instead of stopping the frats from raping me. The rapists tell me to "take their cocks", one dick slides into my pussy without consent and the other in and out of my mouth while I am jerking off another. My boyfriend leaves instead of stopping the rape, and someone records the rest of the incident. I black out after being came into multiple times, I am not sure how many were there. The next day I woke up I felt disgusted and found out that the video was posted to everyone I knew. My family cut contact with me and so did all of my friends. The police laughed in my face and my bf ends up trying to commit suicide and I developed CPTSD because of everything that happened and had to move to a new town.
But thankfully after going to all kinds of different therapists that victim blamed me, I finally found a therapist that validates me and knows that what happened to me was wrong. I also now have a boyfriend now that understands that it was not my fault and he treats me like a queen.
No. 188890
>>188886Thank you. Remembering it causes me to shake and cry even now.
People who I thought were my friends said to my face that I was a "vile whore". I had a few messages saying that I should be murdered violently. And everyone I talked to in that town said I was lying about being drugged because It looked like I enjoyed it so much in the video. They told me to say horrible things really loudly during the gang-rape and other things I am to ashamed to repeat here. ):
No. 191275
>>191262I haven’t told him about some of it. So I don’t really blame him when he says he can’t understand because I haven’t really told him all of the trauma I’ve had.
Mostly because at the end of the day I really just don’t want to talk about it. Not with men anyways. Not even with my husband as fucked up as that sounds. I love him so much but I just can’t explain why I don’t want to…that I can’t go into detail…that I can’t explain what happened or how I feel or anything of what has happened to me.
Only other women would ever understand.
>>191269You explained that guilty feeling perfectly.
No. 191277
>>191262Also, don’t feel bad for me.
My husband is a very kind and supportive man. One of the few left. He has his moid moments. I’ve been with him for 8 years now and have come to terms with the past.
Plus as fucked up as it is, I’ve got worse ptsd from more fucked up shit that isn’t sexual trauma that I still have to deal with ugh lol
No. 191330
>>191275I get doing this, wrt to your husband. I hope you always have lots of good female friends in your life, anon.
The guilt thing is so real and I've done that too. I have a hard time understanding exactly what I feel, even now, about stuff like this–I feel weird and shameful and embarrassed about stuff that I really do know now wasn't my fault. But the awful guilt is still there, and it feels….panicky. Like I can't bear it, I have to do something, quickly, to siphon it off. When I've gone on to date or do other weirdly nice things for guys who have done stuff like this to me, sometimes I feel like it's because I'm trying to convince myself it wasn't really that bad, so I don't have to feel the enormous weight and guilt and shame of the shitty, shitty thing that happened. And so I don't have to stare at the fact that a guy I thought I could trust (I'm thinking rn of a guy who I thought was a good platonic friend before he pulled shit) never saw me as a person at all. Or the fact that this is so common as to be inescapable.
No. 191346
>>191330Exactly. It’s like grease you can’t ever wash off your hands.
Then trying to explain to my husband guilt made me start dating one of them…well, I’m sure most men don’t understand that, my husband might not be an exception.
And I’ve learned sometimes you shouldn’t start conversations when you might not like the response.
I don’t know how I would feel or what I would say if he didn’t agree with me 100% or even respond correctly.
While I trust he would agree with me, I mean I’ve known him long enough and he knows how
abusive that fucker was…I just…can’t fucking say it. Idk. It’s more my issue than him really.
No. 191347
>>191330Also. Like why do men automatically think being nice to them means sex? Like wtf. I’ve never understood that.
Why do they rush so much then call us whores?
You’re the ones that won’t listen when we said no or take it slow.
Then to turn around and call us whores is too much.
But then you don’t give out anything and you’re a prude.
There really is no winning with most moids.
No. 192561
>>192554I say this with love:
If he's getting off then you need to stop being disheartened. I can't believe you found a moid that is actually respectful and you found a way to make it a problem. Get therapy and get comfortable initiating because he is definitely correct for not initiating with you, when you have sexual
triggers. You're looking for invalidation where there is none.
No. 192621
>>192604I think it's a very common response. You're avoiding a
trigger around an activity/topic that traumatized you and has the potential to retraumatize you. You can enjoy sex and masturbation if you want to, but it typically takes a lot of personal work in addition to a patient and understanding partner if you choose to involve someone else, which can be difficult to find if you're interested in men. I think the best thing you can do is attempt to develop a healthier view of sexuality for yourself before ever involving another person so you can clearly state and maintain your boundaries, and even then you should proceed slowly.
No. 193495
at age 5 a boy my age basically sexually assaulted me (i was sitting down, he rnaodmly put his hand up my skirt and fingered me), yes we were both the same age, but to this day, nearly 2 decades later, he tries to contact me and make fun of me because of what he did, i guess hes still mad i told my family who told the school, though my family still makes jokes about it. i've had girl friends who know him and have tried to date him, ultimate betrayal imo.
at 12 my mum had multiple male friends who discussed fantasies of engaging in sexual acts with me and my sister, my mum is still friends with them, despite knowing.
at 14 a much older boyfriend would try having sex with me while i was asleep and raped me multiple times.
ive stayed away from men since then. is it bad if i still say i'm a virgin? i feel guilty for it and as much as i know virginity is just a social construct, i dont want to have to explain to people what my sexual experiences have been, "are you a virgin?" "yes" conversation over.
im basically asexual now, i do have fantasies, but the actual thought of them happening makes me sick. and i have literally thrown up because of friends talking about sex.
No. 194789
when i was around 4 i was sexually harassed by my cousin. he was in his late 20s. he put his hand on my thigh and said inappropriate things to me. i was paralyzed, i didnt know what was happening and i did not know how to respond. my parents never educated me about this matter. i was just staring at him, with my mouth shut. thankfully, my mother called him before he could proceed to do more hedious things. im convinced he did more inappropriate stuff but i find it difficult to remember my childhood. he ruined my life. and my mother did nothing but cry over it and just be like 'its all his fault but i refuse to do anything because im a fucking religious asf and i believe that god will help'
to be frank, im furious. im mad at him, at my mother and my father that did literally FUCKING NOTHING. all they did is cut the ties with him, thats it. they didnt call the police, they didnt do anything to make him accountable for his actions. they told me that they will accept him back into our family when he 'truly repents'. and by that they mean that he needs to believe in god in order to be accepted. oh, and say "im very deeply sorry. i apologize for my disgusting actions but hey, look! now i believe in god. god is love god is life!"
i cant believe this is ALL he needs to do. to be fucking forgiven.. BECAUSE GOD!! BECAUSE GOD FORGIVES, RIGHT? this is how it works! im so fucking mad. i hate this family. i hate what happened and i hate the fact it affects me to this day. i have to unpack a fuckton of mental health issues and problems because my parents are awful at their job - being a good parent.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
No. 194848
>>194831Yep. Partner did the same thing, would not speak to me or acknowledge my existence for days and it psychologically screwed me because we lived together. I'm glad you left
nonnie - it would have escalated once the guilt tactics stopped working. People who do this have no empathy or regard for how harmful coercion can be. Take care of yourself and maybe seek therapy and don't let seeds of doubt about your experiences grow.
No. 194899
>>194831What a fucking asshole. It's completely understandable that you feel this was traumatizing, anon. I think this kind of experience is way, way, way more common than we realize…I feel almost like I was groomed by the world, sometimes. The guilt and wheedling and pressuring and pushing works so well because we're already fucking weighted with "he'll get it somewhere else/he'll leave if you don't/you lead him on/he's sad and awkward and will it REALLY cost you that much to just endure it/you're ugly if no one wants you and that is death/you're alone in this room with him, what if he gets angry/no one will believe you/don't cause drama/he doesn't realize how awful this makes you feel so he can't be blamed/just get it over with and then maybe he'll leave/he loves you, right? is this that big of a deal really" …….I can't tell if this is just the darkest part of me talking but sometimes I wonder if a single woman's sex life hasn't been touched by coercion at some point. Not outright rape every time, just…that pressure means we endure so many things we don't want and then it's so hard to figure out why it feels so awful and wrong and traumatizing.
Kinda went off there, don't mean to hijack. I hate that man for doing that to you and you are far from alone. That pushing/making you feel obligated thing is one of the most evil things that happens behind closed doors all the goddamn time, imho
No. 194959
>>194848I'm so sorry you went through that and hope you're doing better. Thanks for the response.
>>194899Thank you sm anon this is really sweet. I think it's the fact that coercion is so normalized and rape is so oversimplified. Literally every porn plot is rape by coercion. It's sexier to them to see a woman who doesn't want to fuck them but has to be convinced or theatened/forced. Now think about how fundamentally every video is based upon blackmail (stepbro blackmails lil sis with nudes), bribery (teen sucks cock to pay for textbooks), convincing (shy virgin learns what a little whore she is), and we see why men see sex as transactional with women having something to lose and men having something to gain. And also that all women are whores who love cock deep down, it's just some are just harder to convince. You see that manifesting a lot in the "girl next door" porn trope that shows average women becoming a sex-crazed nymphos.
But nope it's easier to just belittle and demean women or insist they're lying because if we admit that fishing a 'fine whatever' out of someone is a form of assault then "by that logic, all guys would be rapists!".
Anyway I feel emotionally distanced from the whole thing (typical coping mechanism) but reading your post really makes me want to contact the POS and tell him to learn to take no for an answer. Idk if it's scarier to think that men know exactly what they're doing or if they don't know and genuinely think they gained consent because 1) men ALWAYS see as objects before humans and 2) after dozens of 'no's she finally gave one 'fine' and [unenthusiastically] went along with it but hey at least you came …pfft they have to know right?
No. 195061
>>194959Damn, really really really well put, anon. I read an article recently about backlogged rape kits, and how if police took them seriously, they'd be overwhelmed. The writer was arguing "okay, then be overwhelmed and learn to deal with it." That's so completely how I feel about that "by that logic all men would be rapists!" response…like, we downplay it b/c surely it can't be THAT bad, but what if that really is how fucking bad having sex with men is for women? Maybe we should just fucking sit with that instead of immediately pushing it away because it scares us? Maybe we should be overwhelmed with the truth and learn to deal instead of demanding women deal with this alone, sometimes (often, even) taking it to their graves.
Wrt men knowing what they're doing or not….I think they know too. I think maybe a lot of the time it's like, they know, but that knowledge weighs so much less than how much they want to get off. Like, they can know and also absolutely not
care at all. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I plan on being a happy spinster–I can't deal with not knowing which it is with men. And I've just looked at the reality of sex with men too openly–I can't deal with that default coercion anymore. I can't lie again now that I've been able to sit with the truth. I thought for a long time that I was just being pessimistic because of trauma, but honestly, I just think we all prefer to look away from this particular reality and expect women to compromise and keep it to themselves.
No. 196264
>>196263Adding another point to this, the main reason those evidence kits sit on shelves forever is because of the fear of who the rapist may end up being.
If almost
every woman has had a #MeToo moment, been coerced or catcalled or otherwise involuntarily sexualized, then imagine how many men must be responsible that have otherwise spotless reputations to hide behind? "No, he would NEVER do that! He wouldn't even need to! He's a good man!", etc.
No. 250537
Anyone else here who basically remembers all of their csa and isn't affected by it? I was molested everyday for a few continous years around the ages 9-11 by a religious authority and I remember it all, of course not every single day but like, I have no gaps in memory. And the thing is, I don't even feel anything when I think about it, I don't get panicky or anything so, I don't have ptsd or anything from that time, and it makes me also think that it just wasn't that bad.
But on the other hand, I have like every predictable outcome, I suppose, of a typical csa case, self-destructive behaviors, hypersexuality, abnormally concerned with privacy, disconnect from my body and sex etc, and that makes me believe that maybe those years did do something to me… But the fact that I basically can think about it with ease and don't really have any triggers that I know of makes me believe that it was just not a big deal. Which is good because I am not in a state of panic but then I feel very guilty saying/believing I went through csa because I just came out unscathed and I am just speaking over people who actually suffered. Well actually, I've never told anyone about my csa but y'know.
I don't know where I am going with this lol, just wanted to know if any other nonas here are like me.
No. 250556
>>250547I am sorry you had to endure abuse for so long, sick.
I think my sort of… process was similar, I was just relieved to finally be away from it and was doing good but then years later bam, it was like I woke up with it all just suddenly coming back to me and I crashed hard in a typical fashion. You take care too, wish you the best of luck out there
No. 250567
>>250552Personally, I’d call that rape.
You didn’t give him consent. Even if he successfully manipulated/pressured you into consenting, that isn’t consent.
I hope you can speak to a therapist about this.
No. 250599
>>250567My current therapist doesn't like to dwell on the past, she's more focused on developing coping skills to handle my current symptoms. I don't necessarily disagree, but recently it feels like she's starting to get frustrated with me. Might be in my head though.
>>250576I don't think he has them anymore, unless he backed them up before he broke his phone. I don't know who I'd contact about it anyway.
>>250588>>250582I should have clarified but I'm not with him anymore. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately, having nightmares etc.
This sucks. It was my first relationship and I was insecure and inexperienced but I still feel so foolish. I stayed for a long time
No. 250604
>>250599>My current therapist doesn't like to dwell on the past, she's more focused on developing coping skills to handle my current symptoms. I don't necessarily disagree, but recently it feels like she's starting to get frustrated with me. Might be in my head though.sometimes it's important to talk about the past so you can digest it, especially if you're having backflashes or invasive thoughts about what happened to you
if you feel like you need to talk about it with her, she should be open to it
are you receiving DBT or CBT? because if I recall correctly, in CBT you will break down the traumatic event a lot while with DBT (typically after receiving DBT) you will work on the symptoms
and if you are receiving DBT without prior CBT treatment, that could be a problem
perhaps if your dynamic with this therapist starts going down, and you need to search for a new one, therapists offering CBT may be something you want to look out for
No. 250737
File: 1647711209401.jpg (43.87 KB, 588x588, 1510826201887.jpg)
I was SA'd by my ex. And I've wondered if anyone else has had to deal with certain triggers. Like he was a bigger guy and the idea of being intimate with a bigger man literally terrifies me. Theres been a few times I've been close with a guy that wasn't big but the way his stomach touched me made me want to die. I hate it and im not sure what to do.
No. 250759
>>250737I have a similar
trigger, I was SA by a much older and bigger boy when I was younger, now I can't feel attracted to older or bigger/taller men. You can get therapy but I don't think not dating men who share a defining characteristic with your ex is something bed. Fat men are terrible either way.
No. 250811
>>250737>>250737I'm very sorry that happened to you anon
A lot of survivors experience repulsion and disgust whenever they're in a situation even remotely similar to their trauma, your brain it's probably connecting the feeling at the moment of the abuse with the feeling of the touch wich it's common and you can read in the other posts itt, it's a reasonable reaction with what you went through and it's really not your fault
I hope you're able to feel better and get some sort of treatment
No. 251032
Why does he get to be released from prison early just because he's a fucking tranny now? 18 years down to 10 because he grew his hair out and uses coffee grounds and a number 2 pencil for eyeliner?? No one in my life knows the details about what happened and now that he's a tranny I feel even more isolated in who I can tell about this and express my true feelings.
My first relationship with a man when I was 14 and he was 21, it was 6 months post breakup of my first ever relationship and girlfriend. The first week of meeting each other was typical lovebombing. He was also asking for weirdly innocent videos like me talking about my day like a vlog, which I know now is obvious groomer shit. After that week, I didn't hear anything from him for a day or two, and in what could've been divine intervention, my sister recognizes his name from when I said I was talking to someone new, and shows me a news article of his arrest and gently tells me I should stop seeing him. Obviously this post doesn't end with "so I listened". She tried more than our parents did, at least, but we grew up together and she hated our home life just as much as I did so of course she was moving out and just started a family. I also remembered a family member in prison and how mail is good for morale, and immediately wanted to write him. Why would his mother give inmate contact information to a teenage girl she doesn't know without asking questions? Ugh.
After a month in jail he was released and the lovebombing and groomer shit started again, "aha it was just a joke" "mature for your age" or unexpected sexual questions then playing it off. I remember one of the first things I said was I was only ever with a girl. When he asked if I would be with a guy, I told him penises grossed me out and just look creepy, which was probably seen as some sick fucking challenge to him or something. I don't remember the first time or when he started to involve cameras or recording. Even when he was sober but especially when he would drink or do drugs, he would constantly calling me fat, childish, bitch, constantly comparing me to other girls, specifically his sister who was also my age. The verbal and emotional abuse started to be very personalized and extremely graphic too.
15 to 18 are the worst years of my life because of him. He would make it a game, sometimes it was convincing me to go along with it and literally preparing scripts he wanted me to read while it was happening and mention my age or age related things and other gross fetishes, or sometimes hiding the camera from me. I don't know the right words for it but that was when I really felt "disconnected" from my body and femininity. I never told anyone about the videos because I was scared they'd blame me somehow. When I was 18, I made a friend online (unintentionally a psych major) and while she obviously couldn't diagnose me, she said could tell what was going on with "my friend" but I didn't tell her about the videos either.
I was so drained and suicidal by 18 that I finally told him I wanted to stop. I had a few times before but he "understood" which just meant I had to make it up. For some reason this was the nuclear button and he starts sending me links to videos that he uploaded, and they were dated two years ago. "I'll delete them if you make more for me" I asked why would he think I ever want anything to do with him after this? And why would I believe he'd delete it? He gave up the act at that point and went full moid, saying every possible thing he could to hurt me, scare me, threaten me, complete with barrages of voicemails and texts. He shot up in front of me and told me it was my fault he was going to die.
I had mixed feelings towards the detectives on my case. The state level detective was very rude and literally ghosted me when I asked about the case. When it became a federal case the victim/witness coordinators were sweet and very comforting. He plead guilty thankfully, I honestly couldn't have done a trial. When he was in federal detention leading up to sentencing, it kept getting continued and then those ladies ghosted me too, they didn't respond to emails or calls for like half a year. I made sure I memorized his inmate number and the case number to search on PACER and I'm glad I did because THAT was how I found out he magically decided he's a fucking tranny and no questions asked gets hormones for free. I knew immediately the name change was coming so he could try to hide from what he did to me.
At sentencing he got 18 years for production, pos&dist, and coercion of a minor. He had his dad cry that he had a hard life and was on drugs and was abused as a child and all that shit. I didn't write an impact statement but I wish I did. I was so scared to talk I don't even remember what I said. My memory never used to be this bad either. Near the end of last year the court allowed him to legally change his name because "it won't prevent people from searching United States v Last name" but if you search JUST his tranny name (a Google search is at least slightly more likely search, no?) you won't fucking find anything about him. I was told he'd get 18 years and he gets out in 10 now for good behavior and fake "rehabilitation". I'm grateful the mandatory minimum for crime involving minors is 10 years but he deserves more.
I want my body out of the minds from all those sick scrotes who watched the videos and re-uploaded them, and from him for doing what he did and trying to tear my womanhood from me just to try and impose it on himself. When I got out of inpatient they set me with a counselor that just stares at her phone and wants to talk about movies. I'm trying to find a new one but finding a good one is hard when you don't know how to start or what to look for. Idk if there's anything to really respond to for this but thank you for reading it.
No. 251089
>>251048Yes, it's common. I think part of being a mature adult is realizing there's a measure of nuance in everything that happens to us. It's not all black and white. Sure, you could have avoided the abuse had you paid more attention to the red flags, established better boundaries, known what to avoid. But you didn't have that knowledge and experience at the time. You may not have been a child, but in some ways you were still just as vulnerable and unprepared for the manipulation that was weaponized against you. And most importantly of all, no matter how naive or delusional a
victim is, they are never at fault for harm the abuser ultimately chooses to enact upon them.
On top of that there's all the societal conditioning women are force-fed about being ride or die, stand by your man, if he's unhappy you work harder to commmunicate or compromise, it's your job to empathize, he'll change if you're really the right person for him, and on and on. There's nothing shameful or stupid about you having wanted things to work out. Looking back, I know it's hard to see how you allowed yourself to be used past a point, but you thought it was something that could be fixed. Now you know better. That's your defense against it happening in the future. Now you
do know the signs, what behaviors to watch out for, the sort of treatment that's inexcusable, and can leave at the first feeling of unease. In regards to thinking you deserve poor treatment, I recommend trying some CBT exercises or other means to improve your self esteem. It's hard to break the programming you internalize from an abuser who treats you like you're worthless. That's a lie you were fed though, and just as you could be dragged into seeing things from their warped mindset, you can eventually develop a more balanced, kind and gentle outlook towards yourself too.
No. 252037
i don’t mean this to be insensitive or barging into a conversation where my experience is not relevant, but i’m genuinely curious… does anyone know if it’s actually possible to significantly repress memories of SA? i think recovered memories are mostly BS/a relic of satanic panic brainwashing, but there are some weird things about my sexuality that i’ve never understood.
i have some hazy iffy memories about a male relative, nothing like violent rape but like being alone with him in a bathroom without underwear on, i’ve woken up crying feeling like i “remembered” an episode of SA, i cry during sex, i get extremely anxious when my partner initiates sexual contact, i’m pretty much exclusively turned on by incest-related stuff, & i tense up so much during sex/pelvic exams i’ve been asked by partners & doctors in the past if i’ve experienced sexual trauma.
it’s just weird. i don’t really think i’ve blacked out a period of my life or anything but i’ve always had this phobic reaction to sex & i hate it.
again, i’m really sorry if this is inappropriate or invalidating to any survivors of SA/molestation. i have no clear/direct memories of this happening so i’m not claiming it for myself, just wondering if it’s even possible for that to occur.
No. 252084
>>252037I think the thing about the satanic panic repressed memories is those people were
convinced by a therapist that they were ritually abused and forgot about it despite having typical childhoods. In that context it's fake, but having memory issues from trauma that can be
triggered is arguably common. I repressed being SA as a kid because I didn't know what happened, but when I was a teen I realized I was drawn to fanfiction with themes similar to how I was abused, and that combined with basic talks in school about consent brought back flashbacks.
No. 252085
>>252079thank you nona. i def think i need therapy for my intimacy issues/hatred for my body. i’m scared to broach this whole thing though cause the relative in question is someone i have a close & loving relationship with now. i’m scared i’m having fake memories/suspicions that could destroy a healthy relationship. i hope you’ve found healing & i agree with you that you shouldn’t have to recall every grisly detail when doing so won’t benefit you.
>>252084aye the fanfiction thing sounds familiar. it’s made me feel like a pervert for awhile. thanks for your insight… i do think that’s an important distinction between memory recall coerced by therapists and more spontaneous recollection. i just also feel like my memory is sketchy and i don’t trust it lol. wishing the best for you <3
No. 252567
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>>252332>when I was 15>told me to lie down on him to hug>I laid on top of him while he rubbed my back and neckYeeaah, that's NOT appropriate behavior.
No. 254165
>>254153If it has affected you deeply enough to cause this response then it is in no way irrational or silly nona.
Coming to terms with what happened might help you though
No. 262231
Is anyone here aware that they were sexually abused but feel nothing about it? Or don't feel it's…serious? Like their mind would break? Or it doesn't really matter?
There are two situations in my mind where I was certain that were sexual abuse/assault.
My cousin, whose maybe 2-3 years older than me? I'm not sure. She's not even my real cousin by blood but my uncles wife's daughter, we grew up together. Anyway, I had to be very young 8,9 somewhere around there. We'd play "games" where we'd be mommy and daddy, and she'd hump me and get mad when I didn't do it right. One time I remember…well, licking her on the top of her..you know thing and she'd touch me like kiss me and all of that. Once her mother peeped in the room. It was dark and we were in bed playing under the covers. She peeped in and said something like, "What are yall doing? Yall playing?-" something that to this day made me feel like she KNEW what was up. My mom also told me something odd she'd do to my male cousin, that she told her to stop doing never said WHAT it was. Though I always assumed it was something a mother should'nt be doing to her son, I always connected it what happened to me and my cousin. I think my cousin may have..been touched by her mother or someone else and that was why she was doing it to me. I remember going over her house and she'd told me that she did what we did with another girl on her street. It's all so..so blurry. I literally have never talked about this before.
The second time was- I was in high school, 7th grade and a senior wanted to get with me. Basically they'd followed me downtown and then took me to a section where no one really was, it was two boys. One of them stuffed his hands down my pants. Like between my ass cheeks, I was nervous, scared and all I've done with the boy is put my lips around his penis head once and then stopped out of fear. I don't know if that was the same day or this happened way after that. I had issues with my hygiene and that day was hot, sticky and I had sweat between my ass cheeks so when he did that, he pulled his hand out and told me I needed to "Shower". They did walk me back to my bus stop, and when I got home I told my mom. Here's where things get blurry. I don't know if I told her i'd been raped or that something had happened, but I just remember talking to the police. I was really nervous playing with my hair and the officer flat out told me, "thats how i know you are lying", I guess I kept playing with my hair and I was nervous about the whole thing. I'd been a problem child for a while and very sheltered. Still another case of someone directly assaulting me and It not hitting me like I feel it should have. Like two boys way older then me cornering me downtown, stuffing his hand down my pants. However, I do not look at this situation as sexual assault. Just something that happened. Maybe if I hadn't wanted attention and had went with them it would'nt have happened. I've always did this back then, get boys attention but never go "all the way" with them. I'm more embrassed.
The third isn't something I'm sure about, but it's something I'll remember to this day-
I was young, not sure how young but my dad was still around which meant I could've been toddler aged or kid aged. I was sleeping on the floor at our home, and I woke up and I remember feeling like I'd been punched in my vagina. Of course I didn't think that "Oh my vagina hurts", but I still remember the feeling the pain. I woke up to my dad picking me up or telling me to get off the ground. I think I also peed myself. My dad ISn't a good guy. In fact, sometimes I wonder if my dad is capable of doing something to me and I can't say no with confidence. I also think my dad may have been an undercover gay, but that's a whole nother story. I wonder if I get my degen past ways from my dad. I've talked about it before but I used to be a coomer and I had a period in high school where I was VERY hypersexual. My mom seems grossed out by porn and all that. My dad was a man whore.
but yeah, everything but the last situation which isn't proven doesn't bother me much. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me. Someone calling me ugly hurts me more than the many times I've been sexually assaulted by people. Boys grabbing my butt, boys pulling their penises out to get me to interact with them etc. etc.
In high school, the first time I had sex with an boyfriend, firstly he tried to get me high. I don't know if it worked or not. His friend was in the room and he'd left for a long time afterwards. Leaving me under the covers with his friend in the room. He came back and was acting weird. They both walked me to the bus stop, the friend behind me and he was like, "Why you ain't do nothing with X" and I was like, "No, lol". He was serious though, and basically I felt I HAD to say, "yeah i'd do something with him" to make him happy. I know thats not assualt but it felt like it in a way. Really em brasses me how I let that happen. Whats funny about this is it didn't bother me until, I told another guy I was talking too about it. He got visually mad and was like, "My sister had somebody try to do that to her, get her high so some boys could run a train on here. It literally didn't hit me he was trying to get me high and how fucked up that whole situation it was until another boy (Senior, 17-18, I was 15-16) told me that it was fucked up
No. 262463
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I'm sorry if this isn't in the relevant thread but it does link into sexual abuse and a lot of years of grooming from porn. I was hoping if someone could help me clarify what's going on in my head or just relate with experiences:
I was coerced into sex and sexual activities by my now ex-bf from the ages of 16-18, I was also a virgin so didn't have any sexual experience or knowledge before him. Whereas he was a bdsm/rape fantasy porn addict with sexual experience, I didn't have any irl experience but I did grow up in that era of when bdsm/daddy kink stuff was all over tumblr. I'm ashamed to say it but I was also a very edgy, lonely autistic pickme girl back then and looking back I'm certain I adopted those "kinks" just to get attention and validation from men - I have always suffered with feeling naive or just behind for my age mostly due to the autism so I think that was my way of fighting against it although I wasn't aware of the autism at the time.
He was really sexual and would give me the silent treatment or just treat me like I was a "boring prude weirdo" if I didn't entertain or simply want to do anything sexual with him so most of the time I would be zoning out and praying for it to be over while simultaneously performing whatever he wanted.
I do think this really cemented in my head that sex is a performance and that I need to be as "kinky or freaky" as possible or else he would basically just hint at fucking his female friends or just straight up send me pictures of pornstars and insta models. I was never physically forced but I was emotionally pressured and persuaded to say yes. He also eventually cheated on me anyway so that's that.
This was a while ago, but I am still contemplating the after-effects and struggles I still face with regards to my attitude towards porn and sex - when I first got with my current boyfriend (who is normal and respects consent) I was still under the impression that I had to perform for him or introduce kink and strange things that I currently find disgusting. I wanted to be choked or slapped and I am sat here now wondering if I ever truly did "enjoy" that or if it was all just a part of the masking performance during sex.
The thing is, when I have sexual fantasies it never includes those violent or typically degrading things - most of the time it's heated or romantic, just normal or sometimes with me in control. But when I do have sex it's like my brain panics and goes on autopilot to the default "male-pleasing" setting - that being wanting to perform and ask to be choked etc. I have never got pleasure from this, I've never orgasmed from all of this weird shit, I wish I could simply reset my brain or just understand what's actually going on here.
Is it possibly I've still got leftover performance issues from this previous abuse? I absolutely struggle with self-esteem and feeling attractive during sex too. From the abuse, I also developed vaginismus and a fear of fingers entering me. I now wonder if I overcompensated on these "kinky" things to make up for the fact I was made to feel sort of sexless, less than, prudish etc…I have been reading a lot into the dynamics of porn and how it leaks into real life relationships, and I feel like most of my experiences of sex have 100% been influenced by porn. None of it feels authentic, I have never known what it's like to completely relax during sexual encounters, and I feel like my pelvic floor was trying to tell me that all along, I just didn't know the words to describe it or acknowledge it.
No. 262988
>>262231I was raped and constantly coerced/groped by my first boyfriend as a teen and I never really saw it as such until years later when he called me to apologize about it. I saw other girls being open about their experiences and getting support/love/affection but I never had that. Instead I got weird emotionally and very depressed, causing me to lose all my friends because they said I was being annoying and to stop talking about my ex kek it’s not a big deal at this point in life but it’s crazy that I went through it and barely anyone knows.
Now that I think about it though I do have worse anxiety and mental issues after that time like panic attacks when people don’t listen to me in some situations because there were times I tried to make a scene in public to stop and no one intervened I guess. I don’t think it’s that bad though because I did like him at the time so it could’ve been worse honestly.
No. 264023
>>264018I'm sorry for what you've been through nona. The problem is, I didn't go through extensive trauma as a child. I was emotionally abused and occasionally hit, but it wasn't anything as bad as the rape at 15. So I don't feel like I've been numbed out or that I didn't have typical responses due to previous trauma.
Maybe I have a neurodevelopmental disorder or something idk.
No. 264307
>>264302I'm so sorry anon, you should never have to live trough this. What was your dream job ? There might still be a chance for you to reach it even if it takes you longer. Keep holding on
nonnie, I believe in you and wish you the best. This song is always a good reminder that spite alone can help you trough hell.
No. 264308
>>264304Nope. I tried reporting to the college, but they said I had no video or audio evidence, and that it did not happen on campus so they basically wouldn't give a shit.
>>264307Aww, thanks for the song rec, and I was in law school, so something in that field would've been my dream job. A friend of mine says I can always enrol again, but that's not happening with the memories I get regarding anything slightly associated with the rape, or with my rapist.
No. 264909
>>262231your first story kind of make me think about my current issue.
It's not really SA but it kind of fucked me up recently.
when I was around 8 and my sister was 11 we were playing some couple and I remember her and I having sex agaisnt sex contact. I don't remember feeling sexual pleasure even tho I was able to masturbate at that age.
I have reflexe of defending myself when someone get close or I feel threaten, was talking about it with a childhood friend and she asked me if I remembered that my sister would beat me as a child and since we chated about it I have memory of stuff like the face and gesture she would make before hitting me.
Talked about the sexual thing with a psychologist and she told me at that age it could still very much be begnin sexual exploration. Even tho it's probably just that it kind of fucking me up because my sister was often protecting me publicly like a big sister at that age but she did those other stuff at the same time fucked me up.
I would need some help from nonnies who could tell me if our actual relation is kind of not normal in spoiler because I'm lost but at the same time I feel like I kind of hijack the thread.
kind of unrelated to the thread so I will spoiler it.
I know that she asked me when she was 19 how I masturbate because she was unable to do it sucessfuly herself. She his akward in a giggly way when people have a discution about sexual stuff. She never dated anybody and is probably a virgin at 24 but still play otome game and have like sexy husbando wallpaper. She id as asexual, bi and nb (she always had issues with herself because of bullying since she was clueless and is not conventionally attractive). I lived with her for 1 and a half year for college will she was a neet. It was very difficult for many reason, one of them was that she would get angry for stuff and then send me message to get something at the store will signing "I love you Lil sis" like nothing happened.
Some stuff that would disturb me was that that she would make remark about my body like I'm thicc etc, and when I said some sus posing in anime didn't meant the character where gay together because I would do the same with my best friend she asked me to do the pose later with her and said no she would be like " but you said you will do it with a bf!!! ". Also when we were on the street I would often grab her arm because I often havd nausea and balance issues and she would feel proud that people would look at us badly " this old dude stared at use, he probably think we are a couple", it happened all the time, worst was when she would make comment on me being lesbian on big family dinner even tho nobody was making direct comment about homosexuality or my dating life (I'm lesbian).
It kind of got bad because she would insist on going out with me every time I saw friends I was introduced trought a mutual, some friends the first times we met thinked we were a couple. It kind of got bad when I and some friends got tired of me bringing her with me every time they invite me, once I got to a restaurant without her because the friend didn't invit her and she could not eat the food there.She got all pissed of before I would go and the day after she cried that I should invite her still next time. Kind of weird because she would never do the same with her friends. She also is surprised when I would say our relation had issues.
Shit kind of hit the fan when the childhood beating resurfaced, I would get unable to concentrate when she would do noise or face that I remember she did before beating me. just hearing her in her room do noise gave me paranoia that she would bust out my door and beat me, esp when I'm sitting on my sofa because once she send me flying on a sofa by kicking me in the vulva super hard I had to keep layind down afterward. I don't think she remember it but she would not be able to handle me telling her she beated me since she got a massive panic attack from me mentioning some friend think she don't respect me when I'm with them. I told my parents about the beating but they don't remember a thing even tho they were there a lot of the time, luckily they didn't hit me or my sister but my sister have trauma from my dad being an autist with her.
I told my parents on how I wanted her to move out for a long time ( the flat we share is practical to go to my school and was supposed to be rented for college) obv I feel bad about asking to kick her out but it was kind of fucking with my education. Each time the ultimatum got pushed because she would try to get jobs and they did not want to disturb her. I had to insist and put an ultimatum of one week for her to find a flat just 2 weeks after I officialy said to her we could not live together anymore. It's fucked because to get the ok for the ultimatum I had a mental breakdown on the phone with my parents when my dad suggested again to find solution to live more peacfully together instead of her moving out like he suggested for the past year. I screamed at him that I didn't want to live with someone who had hit me and SAed me. Right after my mom asked about it and I said it was a very mild thing but tainted my relationship with my sister.
luckily my sister was not too angry at me for the ultimatum because she just would have liked that we where more transparent about it beforehand. She said to our parent that they always prioritised me and didnt care about her ( I got an autism diagnostic and stopped going to school an got deppression when she left for college so my parent would spend a lot of ressource on me, she at the time didn t understood why I was allowed not to go to school because she struggled too, she would get verbally abusive to me at the time when she would come back home ). I know all of that is seen trought my eyes so is not impartial but I feel like something is seriously wrong, esp the switching back and forth from my protecting older sister role to a tehehe akward teen who need my help to socialise to using me as a tool to look tot queer and validate her. I know I and my parents did a lot of wrong with the ultimatum and stuff and I'm grateful she is not too resentful and understand I need to be alone to study. I feel like shit for seeing her like that but the whole relation seems anormal to me. sorry for the big post but I need help understand things from other peoples perspective and experiences. No. 272347
>>270702sage for samefagging but i wanted to reply to your post too, the question of how you get over sexual trauma is a loaded one because it depends on what your current resources/social support network looks like and your own personal willingness to confront it. i couldn’t really tell from your post but it sounds like you’re in contact with your ex still in some way? im sure you realize this but that has to end, like fully end, no social media contact or anything. i really dont recommend you reach out to the girl. a) it would absolutely
trigger you and b) she has to make that decision on her own.
No. 272384
>>272346thanks anon, i appreciate your kind words. thankfully i am fully independent and live on my own. when i still lived at home i hardly even acknowledged that it had ever happened, like it was buried so deeply in my psyche i almost believed it was just some bad dream, until he finally brought it up with me while our mom was literally dying.
i've also been realizing lately how traumatizing other things he did were. the daily autistic meltdowns and tantrums he'd had that were sometimes violent were scary as hell to me as a child. he'd still have them while he was well into his 20s and i was a teenager (he still lived at home). the molestation only happened when i was a kid though, it wasn't ongoing.
currently i'm not in any contact with him or my dad, as of a few weeks ago. my dad is a narcissist which is a whole other story. he sucks really bad. the two of them are in a super
toxic enmeshed relationship. they live together and my brother is my dad's caretaker because he's very old and sick at this point. my dad emotionally abuses my brother while he's literally being cared for by him and my brother makes excuses for and enables his bullshit. i feel really guilty about it because my dad is in such poor health, and guilty that my brother has to take on the brunt of caring for him, but i simply can't deal with either of them. they are so enmeshed they are essentially a fucked up little package deal the two of them. if i have contact with either of them i have to deal with emotional abuse from my dad and i get thrust into an emotional caretaking role for the brother who molested and traumatized me as a child.
i thought i would eventually get to some place where i'm self actualized enough to have them in my life but have such firm boundaries that none of it gets to me, but i don't think it's actually possible. it's really hard to come to terms with, there's so much guilt and grief.
thankfully my sister and my other brother are understanding even if they don't know the whole story. i haven't let on that there's anything more to it and i don't know if they can ever know the whole story, it just seems like such a burden to throw on them to tell them the whole truth. and the ramifications of what happened as a child really created this self image of me where i am a disfigured monster, which makes it difficult to even talk about it with anyone, which i am working really hard on. basically it sucks. i have a wonderful therapist though who is extremely helpful. thank you if you actually read all of this lol. it's cathartic to write it all out.
No. 280147
>>188885Old ass post and I'm probably getting major shit for saying this but this sounds off. I'm probably uneducated or something but what sort of drug forces you to rub some guy's dick, your ex probably thought you were cheating on him.
If this is a legitimate story godspeed but this just reads as a fanfiction or, deflecting responsibility or I'm missing something. We don't make excuses for cheating while drunk, and to me it feels as though you had the opportunity to at least resist and you didn't take it because arousal or whatever. Now don't get me wrong those frat guys are horrible people nonetheless but I can't be the only one finding the anon questionable. Anyways ngl if I were the anon's ex I'd also feel very betrayed, that is if a coomer didn't write that post
No. 283288
>>282055Get men out of your life. Don't depend on men to fill a void in your life. Don't give a man an inch, because he'll take a mile.
For your safety, for your happiness, you may have to take drastic measures. But you deserve that security and happiness. Live on the strength of yourself, and in trustworthy women. Protect yourself, RESPECT yourself, if no one else will.
No. 283294
Lesbian vent that I can’t talk about on normie websites bc then I’m transphobic
I was sold around a lot as a kid. Mostly to men, because they paid the most. Because of this, I have a horrible repulsion of penises. They disgust me so much, it genuinely makes my skin crawl. If it’s irl, I will have a flashback, and I will actually panic and try to leave that room. Therapist says it’s a trauma response. I’ve gotten a lot of help for it, but irl dicks freak me out so bad.
I naturally became a lesbian. I feel closer to women, and even though women have hurt me, I feel less afraid, and I don’t have to live in constant fear of their genitals when I’m with them. I’ve been out as a lesbian since I was 14. And since I’m a zoomerfag, I had very early internet access
I met this super hot girl, 10/10, absolute beauty queen at 16. She was 18, but that’s only a two year age difference. I met her irl, and we drank together. We were about to get sexy, and she says she has a gf who would like to join. Being the hyper sexual 16 year old I was, I gladly accepted another woman
The fucking ugliest, fattest, most disgusting woman I’ve ever seen enters the room. Idk her age, but she had to be 30+. Whatever, I could just close my eyes and ignore her. She whips it out, and it turns out he’s a troon. Panic response, tried to bolt. They roofied me, I didn’t make it to the door. I couldn’t move, but I wasn’t knocked out, I felt everything, and it was terrible. New trauma formed.
To this day, I have a hard time accepting trannies. I don’t go to open lesbian spaces. I’m cursed to live somewhere super liberal, they’re in every single lesbian space. And they will actively try and flirt with me, and I’m disgusted by them. But if I say anything, I get ragged on because I’m transphobic for not liking their nasty crusty girldick.
I’m sick of explaining and trying to tell people why I’m so uncomfortable around these men, but I’m labeled as a Terf. I have no safe space irl anymore. It’s lonely and it fucking sucks
TLDR: Tranny with dick raped me when I’m literally afraid of penis. I hate trannies in lesbian spaces. I get ostracized for not wanting to date one. I have nowhere else to tell this to, because even my therapist says I have to get over my “internalized transphobia”
No. 283301
>>283294Get a new therapist ASAP. Someone who is supposed to treat trauma would not bring SJW politics into your literal
trigger. A man abused you, period. Also, while being 2 years apart is a nonissue if it's both adults (like 20 and 22), the real woman who was 18 statutory raped you. I'm so sorry this happened, I've known too many lesbians abused by TIMs and they went through the same process of being
triggered by ones who call themselves "lesbians" and try to be in their spaces.
Have you considered looking into some radfem online groups? You can make a throwaway account and message Kittyit on Tumblr, she runs a private support group for this. Personally I don't completely agree with radfems opinions, but in the past they were one of the few who accepted that I wasn't ok with penis or thought TIMs who liked women are lesbians.
No. 283305
>>283286I'm just armcharing here but it sounds like a coping mechanism. Maybe something other than the position reminded your brain and body of the assault (maybe lighting or noises or smell?). You are not over what happened if you could not bring yourself to tell your bf, and it sounds like the childlike state was a way for your brain to distance itself from reliving such a traumatic experience. I'm not much of a psychfag, this is just some lay-anon's opinion. I'm sorry that happened,
nonnie. I wish you all the best and I hope you can heal from your trauma in due time.
No. 283525
>>283305I had a little bit to drink beforehand so I think that might be what did it
it's gross sorry but my ex used to joke that "usually there's resistance but your ass opens right up when you're tipsy :)" and he did end up anally raping me my bf knows what happened as I've told him over text before but I realized I've never told anyone about it out loud so yeah clearly not over it
i don't know if I
should be indulging in this coping mechanism but it just feels nice, I've started collecting some small toys in a box to fiddle with when i'm overwhelmed or just need a break. I genuinely feel happier when I "let myself go" like that
thank you nona
No. 284847
My friend passed away a few months ago and her boyfriend, who has aspergers which explains his autistic tendencies, has been flirting and touching me. I was dumb to let it happen and let it lead to him having sex with me even though I'm not into casual sex but it felt good at first. He would say there's sexual tension between us even though he has told me before that he isn't sexually attracted to me and I feel 0 attraction for him. There's lots of stuff about him that I am put off by, like how his breath smells like cigarettes and how dirty his teeth are, but I feel like I have to be there for him for my friend.
I took a break from seeing him and was seeing a guy I'm interested in, who's also interested in me, it made me realise that I dont want casual sex with the boyfriend. I want to stay exclusive to the guy I'm interested in even if we aren't dating.
Spoiling this section but I went over to the boyfriend's house to help him clean my friend's stuff. While I was there he had his way with me, sitting ontop of me to stop me moving, pulling me closer, pushing me to give head. He would also bite me and want to inflict pain on me while telling me he has dark fantasies. I kept on telling him no but he kept on putting it back in saying that he didn't hear me say no or saying that I sounded like I wanted more… I was okay at first after it all but then it triggered my memory of when I lost my virginity, the guy guilt tripped me even though I physically and verbally said no. It was the same friend who told me it was rape what happened to me back then.
Anyways because of that situation, I feel too uncomfortable to go over to my friend boyfriend's place even though I want to finish sorting through my friend's stuff. I don't really have any close female friends to go over there with and I dont feel comfortable opening up to anyone about what happend. I probably feel like this because of my previous experience of having rumours spread about me and being brushed off. I'm hoping to speak about it to my therapist though I only got 3 more sessions left. I also asked the boyfriend about why doesn't he find himself a sex friend instead and he said that I'm easy and fun… I honestly would like to completely cut him off but I honestly don't know what he would do, so for now I'm going to distance myself from him and not go over to his anymore. If I continue to let this happen he might end up seriously hurting me and this already has such a mental toll on me.
No. 284861
>>283286It's called age regression. You probably won't find many good resources on it/support groups/testimonials because the term has been co-opted and overrun by DDLGfags, but maybe there is some decent psychological literature out there. I know that some therapists
purposefully induce age regression behaviour as a part of reparenting therapy where the doctor stands in for a parent, but this is highly controversial. Also not all reparenting involves actual age regression or therapist/parent role play/substitution. The overlap of terms is needlessly confusing so sorry if I haven't explained it well.
Anyways there's nothing wrong with playing with toys to calm down. Just be careful about infantilising yourself and retreating from the real world to indulge in your baby fantasy. You also need real legitimate help for your trauma. Best of luck to you anonita
No. 284863
>>284847He's a bad boyfriend and you're a bad friend. So gross. Your friend was better off dying than being with fakes like you two.
What's he's done is disgusting and I'm sorry for that. Stay away from him for your safety.
No. 284884
>>284847>it felt good>casual sex with her boyfriendGod damn this is fucked up. I suggest requesting police to join you while you sort through your friend's
boyfriend's cock things (if you're a burger, idk if police do this in other countries) if he really did force himself on you. It sounds like consensual sex though and you're on a heavy dose of copium in order to absolve yourself of this disgusting behavior. I feel so bad for your friend who didn't have a true friend or boyfriend, may she RIP.
No. 285889
My cousin and I were talking about weird scars, and how we got them. One of the weirdest scars I have is on that piece of skin on the taint, close to the vagina, and I got it by not being careful while shaving. It's a pretty funny story, one that I love to make jokes about. But she didn't laugh. She got super serious and asked me if I really knew how I really got that scar.
I really did get one from shaving, but she told me I have another one, that's been there longer. I don't check myself down there super often, but I was curious about what she had to say. She told me that I got that scar from stitches, because I was torn there. I asked how I was torn, and she told me that her friends dad raped me.
She told me that he was a nice guy, pillar of the community. He was a volunteer in his daughter and my cousins girl scout troop. His family was super happy, my cousin grew up with them. He loved me as a baby, because I was super cute, even as a newborn (we all know newborns are kinda ugly, but I wasn’t(. He would ask to babysit me all the time, but my mom had postpartum anxiety, and never let strangers babysit.
During my mom's birthday weekend, we had a big party at our house, and she carried me everywhere. But I got super fussy, so she put me down for a nap in my nursery. About an hour later, my cousin went inside and heard me screaming. Babies scream and cry a lot, but there was something different about this one. She went into the nursery and caught the man doing it.
I went to the hospital, and tore about 2 cm of my skin, and needed stitches. My mom told the family to never speak of this incident, unless I came out about remembering it first. I asked my cousin how old I was, and since my mom's birthday is only a month after mine, I was only a month old. She said he never did anything to her, or his own children. It was just me.
I don't remember anything. I never even noticed the scar. But I just checked now, and what might have been 2cm of a scar before is now about the size I expected it to be. I'm mortified. I just learned that, before I could even lift my head, I was assaulted in the worst way possible. I feel terrible, violated, and disgusting. I went to my mom crying, but didn't tell her the reason why.
My parents don't know what I know. I'm sitting next to my mom right now. I feel worse for her than I do for me. At least now, as a 21 year old, I don't remember anything. Should I keep this to myself? What would I even gain by telling her that I know? But I've always told my mom why I'm upset, and we worked it out together. But I don't know if I can unleash that trauma of her baby being assaulted on her again. She’s a tough woman, but I’m her soft spot. I can’t even imagine what memories would be triggered if I vent to her.
If this sounds familiar, I sperged about it on Reddit, but got scrote comments asking to see the scar because “it could just be a shaving nick” I hope all men die.
No. 285900
>>285891Im very conflicted on this. I know it was definitely out of pocket for her to tell me. But also, I’m sort of grateful that she was the one who told me. We are very close, and we were in private, so it’s not like she revealed this in front of a bunch of people. I honestly think she had good intentions, but just bad timing.
She’s probably also a little traumatized from the same incident, since this is the same cousin who walked in on the scene. She was 8 years old, and I’d imagine witnessing something like that at such a young age was probably scary for her. And then having to keep it a secret from the victim for years. Id feel extremely guilty keeping that secret from someone, as an adduct. It was probably even worse of a moral dilemma for a kid who hasn’t even left middle school.I honestly think that this entire event was traumatic for everyone involved, but I’m the one who’s just learning about it. They’ve had two decades to process this event that they witnessed. It happened to me, and I only found out last week. I haven’t mentioned anything to my mom in fear of hurting her, but she’s watching my mental state deteriorate and has no idea how to help
No. 285903
So much needless hostility in this thread. Smells like moids
probably lurking for fap material>>285889I think you should confide in your mom when you're ready. Maybe she's been waiting for the day when she could finally talk it through with you, you never know until you try. Either way she's your mom and she loves you, the memory won't kill her or make her hate you, and she's had 2 decades to cope and move on. Meanwhile you've had what, a few days? I think she'd really be an indispensable resource for you in this situation. But again, no rush. Take your time. And of course I am very sorry to hear what happened to you. It's a truly horrifying story and I wish you all the best as you come to terms with this past that was hidden from you.
No. 285905
>>285891I can't even
process this post, I've no words. Supremely and immensely fucked up, I hope you heal from this shit
>>285903This anons has the right idea, maybe your mom already mentally prepared herself for this outcome
No. 286174
>>285905Uh, what? I just think it's fucked up her cousin would reveal that.
I was raped and abused for basically most of my childhood and through my adulthood until I learned that I had to stop myself continuing the cycle by looking for people who would abuse me. I would not tell someone if I knew they were abused and they weren't aware. Why? Because it leads to crisises like the one OP is in. She is for all intents and purposes, a normal person, that is, until she learned about her abuse. It'd different being abused and remembering it and being directly affected it versus just knowing about it as an adult and now being affected. I would rather spare someone from the latter.
No. 287658
>>287587I’ve got my fingers crossed for you
nonny!
No. 288314
A year more and I won't be able to proceed legally agaisn't my agressor due to the statute of limitations.
I don't even knwo if I want to do it, it just seems so unfair that he's out there living like a kig thanks to his daddy money, and even has a wife and kids. I had an abortion last year, couldn't deal with the idea of not having control over my body, kept having suicidal thought before I did the procedure, and still barely managed to not be checked into a psych ward. That's how fucked up he left me, that's how badly he ruined my life. It's been almost 15 years and I still have nightmares, I still have panic attacks, and sometimes I'm still scared of going outside in case I even have to make eye contact with him.
I hate that going legal is basically all I have. Bet he's gonna get all hid thanks to his dad money and influence. Bet I'm just gonna get questioned, harrassed, and traumatized even more with the process. And for what? What guarantee do I have that he will pay?
Worst of all is that he keep doing it after me, multiple girls, all underage and way younger than him, just like I was. He's gonna keep doing it, and any of us that decided to acuse him is going to be treated the same. I hate this. My whole body feels like a crime scene. I gained weight, and I'm scared that I haven't tried to lose it is cause I don't want to have the same body I had when he abused me. I don't want to look in the mirror and ask myself if this was how I looked to him.
I don't think I will ever get better, I really don't. I just feel so powerless
No. 288316
>>250737Yes. I dislike certain positions because of this. My husband is the complete oposite of my abuser, and I've often wondered if that's the reason.
I also HATE the smell of male perfume because of it. Can't tolerate it, I get anxious if someone passes by smelling strongly like men perfume or deodorant.
No. 290634
My parents divorced when I was a toddler, I was living with my mother, with visits from my dad. When I was 6, mom got a boyfriend, he was not violent physically or verbally, but he was cold. A few weeks passed, and he started to be inappropriate with me, a few months later he started abused me with pencils (forcible penetration with a foreign object) while he masturbated. My mom knew of the abuse. I told my dad, and he called the authorities and I was put in his custody. I don't know what happened to them, since I was too little to know, and as an adult it would make me feel uncomfortable to ask my dad.
My dad is a good enough person for a moid, but growing up without female figures really fucked me up. When I was younger, I was needy towards my friend's moms and my (female) teachers. I do not feel comfortable around men, specially alone, and I repressed my sexuality as a teenager. To this day, whenever I masturbate, the face of that monster will flash for a second and kill my mood.
No. 299268
Alright I need an opinion again
>break up with bf
>he has an emergency and needs somewhere to stay for a few days, i feel bad and let him
>plan to have him sleep on the couch and just avoid him
>he gets here very early in the morning and has been driving for hours, so he hurts physically on top of being very depressed due to fucked up things happening to him right after the breakup
>cry, hug him, tell him i'm glad that he's okay and let him sleep in my bed. Nothing happens
>get high with him that night, he goes to put his arm around me, asks if it's okay
>tell him no, that it wouldn't be fair to him, and apologize for being physically affectionate that morning even if i had been very worried about him
>he pulls back and goes "are you sure?" referring to the breakup i assume
>it's his first time being high in a safe setting and i'm retarded and feel bad about "ruining it" for him. Tell him we can think about it later and let him cuddle me
>he gets progressively more touchy-feely, softly tells me that we can do whatever i'm comfortable with and think about it later
>he's stroking my arm, my hair, my face, he looks into my eyes and i can feel he's going in for a kiss. He asks if it's okay and i turn away and shake my head
>he says it's okay and just holds me for a bit
>i think being high made him more easily aroused. goes to kiss me again, says we can do everything like normal and think about it later, i just start shaking, i'm not good with boundaries, i was quite high, and i've been incredibly tired, worried, stressed, and confused emotionally
>he kisses me and it leads to (unsafe) sex
>try to act like everything's normal the next morning but feel bad about what happened and try to have a serious conversation about it
>tell him i'm really sorry for going along with it, that it was cruel of me and unfair to him for me to do
>he says that everything has been unfair to him so what's one more thing
>he wants closure so i go over my reasons for breaking up with him
>feels like no matter what i say he can't accept it and is trying to fight me on it and get me to change my mind
>tell a friend about what happened while i'm at work, they say i got taken advantage of
>get home, ex sadly asks "what are we doing?" i tell him my mind is made up, he asks "then why all of this?" I guess referring to the sex and my sympathy hugs
>shut down completely, can't really move and go nonverbal, i guess it was dissociating? Idk
>i manage to get myself up and to the couch to sleep there
>he follows me and keeps touching my arm and trying to get me to go to my bed, saying he wont leave until i do. it feels like i physically can't talk to tell him to stop so i just get up and go to bed
>He follows me, i don't want him to sleep in my bed but i just go to sleep anyway. i want the situation to be over
>can't talk the next day either, go to work, tell another friend, they call it rape
>i reach my limit and make him leave, he cries a lot, leaves stuff behind that is very important to him for me to "keep safe" when i'm not looking
>says he won't contact me until i contact him first
>he texts me that he's going inpatient at a crisis center
>i feel so incredibly guilty over everything
Now we're here. I'm tired anons, if i'm not crying myself to sleep i'm crying when i wake up. i'm so, so tired
No. 299300
>>299284Did he ever have any instances of trying to force himself on you during the relationship? Did you leave him because of him being
abusive? Did he seem like the type to rape someone?
No. 299750
>>299268I’m sorry this happened to you nonna but that was rape. Unfortunately it’s not as black and white as most moids expect it to be because you let your ex bf into your house and both were intoxicated.
You clearly said no multiple times and he still insisted and violated your boundaries on top of that y’all were both high so it doesn’t help his case at all.
If a man has to make you “cave” for sex it’s already coercive in general.
He took advantage of his emergency to let him into your home despite breaking things off. Tbh I think that’s really predatory. Please cut contact because based on this it seems he’ll use any kind of weakness as a way to gain your sympathy and trust he’s already trying again by mentioning going to an inpatient center.
If you’re still unsure read up on more info about sexual abuse on
https://www.rainn.org/resourcesLots of people assume rape is a man attacking you in the alleyway or a creepy uncle type situation but there are more scenarios no one bothers to take into account because of the societal consequences of being judged for being in wrong place at the wrong time and for thinking you could trust someone who supposedly claimed to love you.
I wish you the best of luck nonna. There have been lots of women in your situation who have stayed silent because they feel they were fault somehow.
The only way to prevent rape is for the moid not to do it and that is not something
victims have control of.
No. 301948
>>301329>>301330>>301344>>301416Rapist scrote spotted kys you disgusting moid. Out of all places you try to invade you choose a safe area where women have suffered sexual abuse and feel like they have no where else to talk about it.
You are absolute human garbage get off this site and this planet.
No. 309544
>>299919Yes, there has been a huge explosion in popularity these last few months of these Facebook groups titled "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" or something similar, all for different cities. You can post a pic and first name of the guy in your area's group with warnings about any of his "red flags" including assault, cheating, etc. I hope this continues being normalized and women keep looking out for each other among all these godawful scrotes.
Here's more info:
https://www.glamour.com/story/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-facebook-group No. 314080
>>312865Yes and never get in a car with a moid on the first date.
Isnt self preservation for dating taught anymore? I dont mean to
victim blame, it isnt your fault at all ofc. But I remember it being common knowledge to never meet with a moid in private, always in a public place, never letting him know where you live, telling friends and family when and how long the date will be etc on the first date.
No. 315265
>>314076>>314772you don't have to feel guilty. it is a modern form of abuse. I think you could read self help books for abuse
victims, if you can't afford therapy. it doesn't matter if there was physical touch because it still is sexual exploitation.
No. 315350
Good this thread is bumped again I forgot about it and didn’t know where to vent this.
I‘m not fully sure about it but I think I have been way too easygoing with boundaries in the past. I had a bad introduction to sex in the first place way too young, my first bf did stuff without my consent all the time and raped me on a few occasions but I never wanted to see it this way due to wanting to be a cool girl who doesn’t feel bothered by violations like this and be above it, so I kind of disassociated when things like this were done to me and often just went with it trying to not feel hurt. (still have problems due to this today). Thing is when I look back, almost every guy I‘ve been with
always took the initiative with sexual acts and I just went with it even if they were going too far. Now there was another dude I used to make out with sometimes who was a bit too audacious and pushy for my taste, so I never slept with him even if we got along otherwise. Turns out he’s a predatory pos and my gut feeling was right but I ignored all the red flags which were definitely there (trying to get sexual when I was trying to sleep without us making out beforehand, groping me in public when I told him to stop and other occasions). But I brushed it away as no big deal when I should have told him to btfo at the first shady move he did. Scumbags like this get away with it so often in the first place because they just try and go for it and have sucess due to their sheer audacity and self esteem, it’s disgusting. I don’t want to let assholes like this push my boundaries ever again they don’t deserve affection.
>>312917late and don’t know anything about repressed memories but anon it was your first time smoking weed, it can be really weird and anxiety inducing. Sounds like you got some sort of panic attack
No. 344041
Sad this thread isn't active much so I won't bump, just needed somewhere to put this out.
I'm a victim of what I've seen dubbed "forced perpetration". To put it lightly, I had family members and their friends encourage me to sexually abuse my younger siblings and cousins, or be faced with physical or sexual abuse myself. I was about seven when it started, and fourteen when it ended.
I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything to stop it for one, even though objectively I suppose there's nothing a small child could have done in a scenario surrounded by adults ready to beat and rape them if they didn't comply, especially since they beat me unconscious a few times.
I can't tell anyone I know personally because they'll just see me as equally as bad as my original abusers. Yes, I caused unwanted abuse to my siblings, but the abuse I went through at the exact same time suddenly is completely void apparently because of it.
Maybe I'm playing too much of a victim, but I was a child. I was fucking forced to do that shit, my child's brain did what it had to to survive.
The worst part is that they recorded it, probably in an attempt to keep me from speaking out, because I'd hit the age of criminal responsibility during the later years. One member of the group actually threatened me a few years ago with this fact and claimed I was just as bad as them and that they would use their evidence (if it even still exists) to take counteraction if I ever spoke out.
No. 344329
waiting for that call from the police to come in for questioning feels like it will never end. when i opened up about what happened to me to that police lady over the phone a few days ago everything i’d held down for half a year came to the surface at full force. my closest family and friends know now and i’m supported and loved and should feel relieved at that fact, and i am. but i’m ashamed. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i know he’s going to get away, i know that. but i had to call in. i had to try.
i looked at his workplace’s wikipedia today, he was listed as the chief. i scrolled down the workplace’s instagram, i saw that same face that had leered down at me when he raped me, those bulging eyes that made me want to throw up how he stared at me through the screen. i don’t know why i did either of these things. all i know is i feel like shit, he’s like a nightmare that will always follow me asleep or awake.
i don’t know how i’m going to function this upcoming semester, i probably won’t. if i can’t study, my life will be on hold and it’ll take even longer for me to get a degree and i’ll be stuck in my tracks. his life probably wont change at all, it’ll go on like nothing happened.
i feel this hopelessness, like i’m going to be stuck in this dark place forever. i plan on telling my therapist about what happened during my next appointment, i’ll also ask her if i could be evaluated for ptsd. my memory is so foggy i can’t remember anything and i have these terrifying crying fits where my head spins and i feel like it’s going to explode.
i’m tired.
No. 344402
>>344041I had to reply to this one. This is horrific anon and I’m sorry it happened to you. You seem really conflicted about it but
>my child’s brain did what it had to to survive is exactly right. People who don’t understand that aren’t putting themselves in your shoes and/or aren’t considering that you had essentially been brainwashed at age 7, of course your 14 year old self didn’t come to some white light realization. You didn’t have the free will to choose whether or not to do those things. I hope that you and your family members who were also victimized can find some peace and forgiveness for each other, but fuck the adults in your life who made that happen. They are the responsible ones, not child you.
No. 344452
File: 1691968707408.png (40.22 KB, 605x264, 076.png)
gonna be long but I dont have anyone to talk to about this in my personal life.
I got groomed (hesitate to use the word bc i was 18 and an "adult" at the time so it doesn't feel valid to use) by a psycho 26 yr old moid over reddit/discord. I was fresh out of the psych ward after trying to commit suicide twice, completely isolated from both an eating disorder destroying my social life & my ex first bf of 3 years (+ first rapist) being an obsessive psycho that played victim and manipulated me by having suicidal freakouts whenever I tried to hang out w anyone other than him until my tiny highschool friend group ceased to exist.
I got diagnosed w BPD then (think its a misdiagnosis bc I don't pull any of that needy shit but I'll leave it up to the professionals)
I started participating in a bpd support discord to try to understand this better and distract from the pain of being mentally unrecovered from ED but weight restored. Needless to say I was mentally weak and naive.
He slowly started to creep into chats, encouraging me to download a video chat app & call on a reguar basis bc "it would help heal my BPD". This continued as a manipulation tactic to coerce me into forming an increasingly intimate relationship w/ him that escalated to e-dating. Originally I communicated w him using a fake name but accidentally let my real one slip into conversation and he RAGED at me for "lying to him" despite that being a very reasonable safety precaution to take. Like a switch being flipped, I went into pickme doormat mode that I had developed in my 1st relationship. It geniuinely felt like my mind split in two, and I became in complete denial of how terrified and uncomfortable the situation made me. I want to call it "stockholm syndrome by internet" but I can't find much on similar cases.
It only lasted 9 months and he never touched me in person but I was manipulated into various sexual acts on camera (some to the point of bleeding), made to watch gore and scat porn, and if I refused to do as he pleased he would berate me until I cried, tell me I was selfish, mutilate himself with a razor on camera. Eventually one day some reddit post made me snap out and realize how fucked up it all was and I blocked him on everything in the middle of the night.
We were going to meet at an AirBnB in Toronto in Jan 2019 (he was american I was canadian), paid for and everything, but the pandemic made that impossible. He frequently mentioned strangulation and pregnancy in a sexual context, and was in legal trouble for strangling an old man at a care home when he worked as a PSW - no doubt in my mind that if we did actually meet he would have killed me or tried to babytrap me. I genuinely believe Covid 19 saved my life.
Because I was never touched, I feel like I can't call it sexual abuse. Never recieved therapy for this, even though my sister told me I would scream in my sleep afterward, would cry upon seeing any porn online and was terrfied of the smell of my own piss for a year or more. I started seeing a coworker a few months after this and I had PIV sex that actually felt good for the first time which temporarily healed my fear of sex, but it turns out he was hiding that he was serial sexual predator from me and go on to would rape me when blackout drunk a few months later, which undid everything. Even after that, I feel the torture the online predator put me through was worse. I'd love to dox him, still have his address and all that. Been celibate over a year now and I don't think I could date a man again.
No. 355383
>>355362Anon, this is horrifying. I have no words. You can and will have love and a family and happiness though, you deserve to have it. Healing from sexual trauma is very difficult but it is possible.
I was raped by a stranger when walking to my car after work at a restaurant a year ago. I know it’s not the same as being a child and being violated so hideously like you were, but it shook me and my sense of self. Therapy has been really helpful, and I started riding horses again to help cope. If you have anyone in your life you love and trust, you should tell them, if only to get it off your chest. I wish I could hug you. That “man” who hurt you is evil.
No. 355753
>>355532>>355589Absolutely correct. I developed rheumatoid arthritis and have zero genetic factors that would indicate I'm at risk. I was shocked to learn that CPTSD and traumatic events can
trigger RA down the road. Just as I became free of my abusers, got my life and mental health together, I learned I will suffer from their actions for the rest of my life. The rage I feel is indescribable.
No. 355789
>>355408I never felt comfortable in radfem spaces despite 90% aligning with the views because it felt like a dirty secret to talk about female-female abuse. Just because it's rare doesn't mean it never happens. I was assaulted by another girl when I was a teenager, and it's something I hesitate to talk about because it either makes homophobic women uncomfortable and confirm their suspicions that SSA women are degenerate (even though my assaulter had a boyfriend at the time) or women rush to excuse that "men are worse anyway, female abusers are a product of society, maybe she had internalized homophobia" as if that excuses anything. It's hard to get on the pinkpill train when women have proven to be monsters like men too.
>>355409>Especially considering how widespread narc moms are and how narcs often sexually abuse their kids, but you’re generally not allowed to talk about that for fear of being called misogynistic.It's so common to talk to other women with bad mothers who do boundary-crossing things that would constitute sexual abuse if it was done by the father instead. I also notice women can enable sexual abuse alongside perpetuating it. When I was a kid I had adult women laugh off the abuse boys did to me, or blame me for "letting it happen". My rapist is a momma's boy who mother still covers for him. I'm not the only one who has experienced this either.
No. 377879
I was making out with a guy at a house party two years ago, in the morning while everyone was asleep, we went to another room.
He wanted to have sex, i didn't so i gave him a blow job hoping he stopped (i regret this). He kept asking, we didn't have condoms either and i told him "no" several times, he finally forced himself into me.
I was frozen but then I managed to push him away, i told him "no" one last time and after a few minutes and the initial shock i went out of the room and woke up everybody ("my friends").
We all went for breakfast but i felt super numb, i was really confused. I ended making up an excuse and went to urgent care i was so afraid and disgusted, i couldn't stop crying and shaking. At the clinic i asked for some PEP saying i was afraid of STDs and that i just have had unprotected sex the doctor that saw me told me several times if i wanted to make a report to the police, she clearly understood that i was just not afraid of contracting HIV, anyways it was really confused and i didnt know how to take care of that situation i told "my friends" but this person was part of my then friend group and they kept hanging out with this man and some of them even called me a liar (not to my face, they are cowards like that) i later understood these people were never my friends, i know the man that did this to me tells everyone that "i abused him too" because we were both kind of tipsy but i don't care anymore i know that what he did
im currently in therapy and no longer talk to these people, is hard and sometimes i find myself doubouting my own story or minimizing it because it was not like "violent" abuse,is crazy but i'm getting better
No. 378520
>>377879Sometimes it’s better to be alone than to have friends like this, I’m so sorry Nonna, I’m glad you’re getting the help to move forward.
Did he do anything else to anyone that you know of??
No. 386570
My mom did so much weird shit that wouldn't fly if it were my dad doing it. I really think she might be NPD or BPD, or something. I don't necessarily consider it sexual abuse but I'm posting it here because I feel like it primed me for abuse later in life. When I was really little I would kiss my parents on the lips. When I got a little bit older, I didn't want to do that anymore, so I started kissing them on the cheek. My dad understood without me having to say anything and didn't question it. My mom, however, was actually furious. She would turn her face quickly when I went for a cheek kiss, or straight up grab my face and force it. I tried to tell her I didn't like it and she got really upset. My dad told her off saying that I was just growing up, it's completely normal, it's nothing to get upset over. My mom said "she's my daughter, I own her, I can do whatever I want with her." She would also do shit like grabbing/slapping my butt and commenting on how good it looked, and she would tell me disturbing things about her sexual experiences when I was much too young to be talking about sex, let alone molestation or rape. I remember her making me take photos of her in just a skimpy top and underwear to send to a lover. The weirdest one however was when we would "play baby." She would strip me down and make me a make-shift diaper out of a towel and encourage me to speak like a baby and feed me from a bottle. I was way too old for it but only realized it was weird when a friend was over and asked why we had baby bottles in the fridge but no baby. She looks back on those times fondly, saying I was her little doll. Highly inappropriate behavior that definitely taught me that my boundaries don't mean shit, especially if I owe the person in any way.
No. 387582
After watching the Quiet on Set documentary with my boyfriend, I told him about a time my 5th grade teacher would pick me up after school in 6th grade 2 or 3 times and take me to a diner then drive me home. He had a son that went to the new middle school I attended, but he wouldn't be picked up with us. I would always call home to tell them my teacher was picking me up. I explained he was my teacher in 4th and 5th grade, but I've been attending the school in the same grade as his son since pre-school. Then we both graduated and attended the same 6-12. He didn't think it was too weird until I had to explain a second time that the school that was pre-k-5th grade was 20 minutes from the elementary school to the middle/high school and then another 20 minutes to the diner and 20 back to my family's house after. At this point he said it was weird. As a kid, I didn't think anything of it because I had known this teacher and his son for pretty much my whole life at that point. I was bullied heavily in school which my boyfriend thinks made me a good target because I wasn't close to classmates and relied on teachers at the school instead. He said he didn't seem too weird until I told him how much driving was out of his way without even picking up his own son.
My grandparents did know the teacher and they would be who I would call to let them know that he offered to take me out to lunch after school. They were on the board at the elementary school and I think after the 2nd or 3rd time he took me out (phrasing it like this really hits home that I was probably almost SAd by my teacher as a kid) he was told to stop. He never came by again and his son had basketball after school, so he never came to pick up his son until long after I was home. Talking it through with my boyfriend has been making me super uncomfortable because I always maybe thought this could've been a situation, but I've always brushed it off since another ever actually came from it.
What do nonnas think? I'm glad nothing happened, I don't want anything to have happened, but I feel really grossed out and vulnerable thinking back on what could've escalated into a grooming situation unless my grandparents stepped in. No one ever talked to me about it, he just stopped showing up after school to take me to lunch. It's kind of violating having the realization, you know? I do have a professional I can talk to about this, but that's not for a little while. I don't think this is going to change me as a person or anything, it's just wanting to get another opinion because again.. Nothing came from this, but do others think this might have been something my teacher was trying to do? I'm well past the age this happened. I just want some clarity I think.
No. 387593
>>387582It's definitely abnormal/grooming behavior. As a child, my friends parents would bring me places, but I was always with said friend and never alone.
Your teacher was definitely up to something nefarious. I wonder if he ever tried something similar with other children.
No. 389441
My mother’s brother had recently passed, resulting in her side of the family flying out for the service. And with that another uncle to come visit us, I’m not close nor really associate with my extended family due to trauma suffered on both sides that I have yet to disclose to my family, which in then results in everyone thinking I’m a conceited bitch because I don’t give them the time of day.
Anyways, it brought back the feelings of that trauma lately and I’ve been in a really weird headspace since and I haven’t been able to see my psych since switching insurance. So this uncle, his son used to lock me in the bathroom when we were young, I was around 5 or so and he was 7-8, and he would corner me in the bathroom and expose himself to me and attempt to penetrate me, this would happen during family parties/gatherings and no one would question where we would have gone and only my mom or dad would come looking for me but by the time they would find me my cousin would be out of the bathroom, so they would find me in the bathroom alone crying. Ever since then it’s been constant sa from both sides of my extended side of the family whether it be from female cousins on my dads side or the males on my moms side. It sucks because now that I’m older and left alone and can have the ability to cut them off, I find myself acting out because those feelings will come back rushing and I hate it. I hate it because I get so scared and it affects my romantic relationships that I self sabotage. Sorry nonas if this is incoherent, I don’t talk about this, let alone with a therapist because I feel such knot of disgust in my throat and stomach whenever I relive that moment and other moments
No. 391339
>>391310Oh that must've been awful, nobody should have to live with that.
>>391290>>391318Thank you all, I ought to get the skin treatments done. I have little retinol patches too I could use maybe
No. 391868
My friend used to coerce me into doing sexual acts with me at sleepovers when we were 11 or so. The first time was when she showed me porn at my house. I remember laughing but also physically trying to prevent her from pulling it up. It was weird japanese porn and I didn’t find it appealing at all. She then showed me soft core lesbian porn and I was intrigued I guess, because I ended up letting her get on top of me and pretend/mime sex acts. The next time I went to her house to sleepover, she kept trying to touch my “boobs” (were 11 and don’t even have boobs yet) and I told her I wanted her to stop. She said that she wouldn’t and that I couldn’t leave, because her mom wouldn’t drive me home and I couldn’t walk home alone in the dark. This kind of thing escalated and she would only let me do things, like play a game for example, if I let her do sexual acts…I absolutely refused to kiss though, because I wanted my first kiss to be with a boy. She told me she did this to other girls, one who whom cried until she stopped. She seemed shocked that I had never “experimented” with other girls. I know she was likely being sexually abused herself, because she knew a lot about sex that looking back she shouldn’t have, so I do feel bad for her but also acknowledge how painful it was for me to go home in the morning ashamed and feeling dirty. I eventually told her I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore through email (kek) and she forwarded it to all of our mutual friends who called me mean. I couldn’t tell them why I did it so I couldn’t defend myself. I ended up regularly watching pornography and exposing myself to more sexually degenerative stuff and chat rooms, which I may have done regardless but I really feel like that initial sleepover was the starting point and end of my “innocence” in a way. I saw her in a coffee shop with her boyfriend a few years ago and didn’t feel anything bad towards her, I hope she’s healed if she was a victim of anything that made her act that way.
I saw a woman claiming that preventing your kids from having sleepovers was stupid and wouldn’t prevent sexual abuse, but I don’t think I’d let my kids go to sleepovers if I had them. People don’t like to admit that kids can molest other kids, even girls.
No. 391946
My 8 years older female cousin showed me porn, repeatedly, when I was about 5, and for years after. I was desensitized by the time I was 10. I've had an awful relationship with sex my whole life… God I wish I'd never seen porn. She would also pretend to be "asleep" or in a weird trance like state, and try to get me to touch her. The most I ever did was maybe lift up her tanktop? I was confused. Later I found out her stepdad is a pedo, and I have reason to believe he may have molested me as a toddler.
I was also touched by many boys growing up.. Literally anywhere, my mom's karate class, school, my friends house, fucking homeschooling conferences… I remember hiding in the ladies room with one of my girlfriends, because this disgusting little Canadian boy kept groping our chests.. I was 11. Sometimes it feels like I had no chance of turning out normal.
No. 392039
>>391868She was almost certainly a
victim herself. This is a real telltale sign of child abuse.
No. 392644
>>392643TBH that kinda supports my theory that sexual abuse
victims should be able to receive euthanasia, either to not suffer or to not hurt others because sadly some become monsters too (not all of course and most often moids than women).
No. 392733
>>392677I've noticed this a lot online. People will have massive SJWs about stuff like this, but in reality a lot of people won't actually interact in case they could be
wrong and then they don't want to be shamed and have the police called on them instead. It could be a situation like yours where you said the boy made it known he did not know the man, but depending on who the guy is too, some people are too intimidated to do anything. It's really sad how crazy they get with how they will act online, but when the situation happens, nothing. Crickets.