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No. 48533

Please feel free to vent or ask for advice in this thread pertaining to sexual abuse or harassment, etc

I'm looking for advice on how to build a healthy sexual relationship with my partner after my bad past. We've been married two years and he's fantastic. But my libido is very low and I have a feeling it might be tied to poor sexual relationships I'd had before. Starting at 8 years old and then on out. I'm not really bothered by the past but I think my mind is instantly associating sex with bad times, which shouldn't be the case since my husband is lovely. But my brain instantly is telling me that I dont want to do this or that its just a hassle. Often times when we begin fooling around I get stomach aches that will go away basically instantly when we stop, like he can tell I'm not in the mood so we wont continue. I never thought much of it, I always thought it was just something I ate. But today I figured out maybe it could be anxiety related.

I just want to be able to have a normal sex life with him where we can fool around and have fun, but I feel so bad for having something -wrong- with me. If anons have any advice i'd love to hear. I'm too poor for a therapist and I've scoured the internet for advice as well

No. 48534

I posted in the vent thread about this. I don't know if my sexuality will ever heal.
I was molested by another girl my age at 14. I was correctively raped at 18, and ended up turning to drugs and selling my body to afford my drug habit and college expenses afterwards.
I can't look at nude male bodies (especially penises) without feeling sick to my stomach, bile rises in my throat. I'm a lesbian so this wouldn't be a huge problem except I'm in art school.
I'm actually not sure I could let anyone else's hands on my body after this, whenever someone hugs me around the waist instead of the upper back, I feel panicky and out of control. I doubt I could let anyones hands near my vulva.
I desire sex but I guess at this point trauma will keep me celibate

No. 48535

>selling my body to afford my drug habit

I'm sorry to hear that anon. That's the sort of trauma that's incredibly difficult to get over and it makes it even more difficult to get into proper loving relationships since men and women run a mile from those sorts of revelations unfortunately.

I hope you get better.
Are your parents there for you?

No. 48536

My parents don't know about my rape, or my previous drug habit (I've been sober for about 6 months now) or me selling my body. My mom sort of knows about the other girl molesting me, she's aware something bad and traumatizing happened with her but doesn't know exactly what. She hasn't told my dad as far as I know

No. 48537

I can't imagine how bad it has to get for you to sell yourself to strangers.

Were they at least safe?

No. 48538

Have you talked about this with him?

No. 48797

The thing that you have said which stands out most is that you feel bad for having something wrong with you. You're not alone in feeling like that, but there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, there is nothing wrong with you. There is no magical time limit when you should 'get over it' or be 'cured'. Feelings are feelings, and yours are valid. This applies to the other anon too.
If your partner loves and understands you then he will feel the same. You aren't 'being a hassle' or something like that, it is something which is important to both of you, not something for you to deal with alone. Talking to him about it is really important, but you should set the goals on how much you are willing to explain.

I know you can't afford a therapist but have you looked for local support centres? These centres aren't just for woman who have just been attacked this week, they are also for long term support and they can sometimes even offer email support. I know you have already looked online for advice but many centres also put writing online, such as this page which mentions both flashbacks and childhood abuse, which can be reassuring to read. http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/help-information/information-about-sexual-violence/coping-after-sexual-violence/

No. 48798

Back in middle school this boy would do shit like rub my ass and touch my breasts behind the teacher's back. The teacher never knew and I was too quiet and awkward to actually say anything. One day I finally hit the shit out of him and when the teacher found out he asked why I hit him. I told him why and he just said "well i figured he was messing with you." and did nothing. I never told anyone else cause I assumed that was going to be reaction and considering he was only a year or two older than me I thought maybe it didn't matter. I thought "hahaha maybe he just has teenage hormones" and left it at that. That incident has always made it sort of uncomfortable for me to do a lot of physical contact and it's made me pretty scared of doctor visits where I would have to remove clothing to get and issue looked at if need be.

At my old job the last manager that I know of being there was forever sexually harassing every single girl he could find. I'm no longer there and it never escalated any further than harassment but sometimes I worry something more may happen to someone who's more unfortunate than I was with the dude. At most the company just moves him locations all the time when he gets reported. I don't know what's wrong with the company policies if that's the case but I refuse to go back.

No. 48799

Wow half of the people posting havent even been molested

No. 48800


Thank you anons for the help. I have talked to him a bit about it. That I think that its affecting our current sexual relationship and that its something I would like to work on. He's really understanding and doesnt pressure me to do things I dont want. But I still feel bad since I want this to be a good experience we can share together. I'll look into help groups, they seem like a good idea.

No. 48801

>A boy my age touched me in middle school, I didn't say no or anything so he just kept doing it!
>It was so traumatizing, I have to act like the rape victims I've seen in movies and TV now.

No. 48802

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No. 48803

Thank you for this thread, I've been wanting to post something about this but wasn't ever sure if I could or what the right thread would be. I'll post when I'm not on mobile in the middle of the night but I just really wanted to say thanks.

No. 48804

Well that is a fair assumption so I'll give you that. I probably should've been clearer. When I meant I didn't say anything I meant I didn't say anything to the teacher. I told the boy to stop his shit several times till I got so pissed I ended up fighting back. It's not really what I would call traumatizing but it has made me more weary of people I don't know very well so doctors and strangers and anyone outside of close friends are kinda sketchy and I'm never sure how close I should let them get.

No. 48805

Not all of them used condoms. I thankfully never got pregnant or any STDs. I'm not sure what where to look to resources regarding surviving prostitution because my case is atypical in the sense that i didn't have a pimp

No. 48806

I'm currently in a healthy relationship with a person I love, but my PTSD from being sexually assaulted when I was 18 has been interfering with our romantic life. It's not too dissimilar from your situation, OP, minus the instant anxiety.

Sometimes when he's touching me it'll trigger an involuntary reaction where I recoil. When he tries to cuddle me and I'm sleeping, I react very violently. And yesterday, he didn't realize I wasn't kidding when I told him to stop touching me and I dissociated when he kept going. He understands that it's not because of him but it still clearly hurts his feelings and I really wish there were a way to force my muscle memory to be on the same page as my conscious mind. I'm over/at peace with what my ex did and I feel awful that it definitely doesn't come across that way to my boyfriend.

No. 48807

Just because you're a beta wizard that no one could hope to love doesn't mean her experience isn't something that hurts her.

No. 48808

This shit was many years ago, I was around 18-19 I believe. Me and a mate was hangin out on a rooftop, we were just chilling and drinking raw vodka and of course I pass out rather quickly. Everything just went black but one of the moments where I zoned back and basically the only moment that made me know he was in fact raping my half-unconscious body was that I heard him unzipping his pants and pushed his cock inside me. After that I'm gone for a while and I wake up talking to my crying father on the phone fresh out of the ambulance. I guess I was still out of it but I could hear noises n feel shit, like hospital cutting up my clothes checking if something's broken running tests etc. Somehow we ended up falling from the roof approx 3-4 stories, and to this day i have no Idea what really happened.

I didn't report it to the police since I know how the law works, alcohol was involved yada yada. My mother and school mentor wanted me to talk about it. But never felt I had to, or really wanted. I don't know, I've never wanted the whole "victim" role. Abused sure, but fuck it. He got damages that are unrepairable so that helped my sleep at night or whatever you say. I'm not sure if this had an impact on me as a person, it sure taught me never drink on a fucking rooftop again, but I want to believe that I was lucky enough not to be affected too much, it's probably back there in the emotional graveyard. But foremost I was lucky I didn't die that day.

No. 48809

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I spent most of my adolescence dealing with sexual assault and abuse from others, the two most notable times being when I got raped at the age of 17 and then getting into a highly sexually, and abusive relationship that latest two years where my ex wanted me to be submissive 24/7.

However, I'm now in a healthy relationship and while it has been a long road, I can give some simple advice to what has worked for me.

The first thing that helped was that I communicated with my partner. I told them upfront that I felt ashamed of myself sexually and how due to my sexual past, I fear I could have a traumatic breakdown during sex. Since then my partner has been attentive to my body language and if I suddenly stop or start looking uncomfortable, he'll stop and give me a moment to breathe.

Another thing that I found worked was to not see doing PIV as being the end goal during sex. My partner and I are usually satisfied if we do mutual masturbation, oral sex etc. instead of going all the way. Sex doesn't necessarily mean penetration. It also means just simply touching and slowly doing foreplay so that I for example, can start to feel comfortable with my own body because unfortunately with having an abusive sexual past, you need to feel safe and relaxed.

I hope this helps OP. I know it won't work for everyone as trauma is very subjective, but just remember that you're not alone <3

No. 48810

Thank you anon, hope you come back with your story. ♡


Dont worry about that bait anon. No one can really tell you how to feel and everyone is different with trauma. How you respond and feel is your own thing and is perfectly okay. Sorry your teachers in that situation were dinguses. I hate shit like that.

No. 48811

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OP here. I'm so sorry to hear about your current problems. It really sucks. I get what you mean when you say you're over your past and your ex. I'm in that situation as well where I dont need to cope with what happened anymore, I'm completely over it. I'm really struggling to find good resources for just how to deal with the post-stress of everything and continue a healthy relationship with a partner. Instead all I can find is "how to cope as an adult with child molestation!!" type things which isnt what I need.

No. 48812

Thanks for the input anon, I'm glad you are doing well with your current partner.

Its actually a bit weird since for me and my partner right now we very seldom have PIV sex. I went off birth control a couple years ago to see if it would help with my depression and then I ended up going on antidepressants/anxiety medication. I didnt want to mingle those with BC so I ended up just staying off it.
Most of the time we do just that, touching each other, oral, masturbation, etc. If we do have PIV sex we always use condoms since we both don't want children.
Recently though we were doing a lot more kissing and just touching each others backs and such. I really enjoyed that and it got me more in the mood, so I might have to focus on that more. I get what you mean with the stress of thinking of PIV is the end goal though. For me my end goal is to make him finish. I guess because I just want the whole procedure to be over and done with.

This has given me some more to think about and discuss with my partner anon, thank you for the response. ♡

No. 48813

I'm the anon from the first post, I told my mom about the corrective rape and she's basically forcing me to report it and I really don't want to. I've been healing pretty well and I know opening a case is just going to re-open the wounds

No. 48814


If it's been a long time and you don't want to report it, I wouldn't.

I reported a rape that happened months before I reported, and even though the rapist initially confessed nothing ever came out of it except me reliving the whole thing in a very traumatic way.

What you SHOULD do though is get into therapy with someone, buy a self help book (trust me, they help ALOT plus it lets you heal at your own pace), and don't rush it.

If you want to cry, let yourself cry about it. I've gotten my life back in track since I got raped (over a few years ago) but even know some nights I feel the pain and I just sob to myself in the shower or something.

You are a strong woman and you can overcome this!

No. 48815

I was repeatedly molested by my older second cousin when I was 7. No one knows about this

No. 48816

Im like 90 percent sure my stepdad wanted to fuck me.

closest he got was picking me up, grabbin my boobs and trying to get me to kiss him though. a few years later he and my mom got divorced, never told anyone but my current bf tho.

No. 48817

I was raped by a guy my mom trusted. Only because he asked for permission to date me and was a religious guy. I told my mom I didn't wanna go but she insisted I go with him once and after that i could decide really if i didnt want to date him. making things short we didn't go to the movies and instead he took me to his parents home (no one was home they were actually at church)and proceeded to lock every door behind him thats when i became wary…from then on he undressed me… I tried fighting but i was weak i was 14 and scrawny. he tried vaginally raping me but somehow couldn't so he went the other way …..it was horrible. i yelled and cried and he just kept going pushing me down everytime i tried to get up .afterward he told me to shower so i did i was crying feeling so dirty and gross and he still walks into the shower forcing me to do more. after that he takes me home and gives me 20 $ i throw them back at him. angered and sad. I just wanna sleep and forget what happened. mom comes all happy and ask me how it went i feel compelled to yell and get mad i just silently stare at her and say not to well. she nods and leaves. a day later same guy wants to "take me out" i tell my mom absolutely not and that i don't even wanna see him and she agrees with me tells him to go and never come to this house again he leaves. that night he died in a car crash. I was so happy but everyone around me was sad and thought i cared. until i completely told my mom everything 4 yrs later. she hugged me and told me "i guess i was a bad judge of character I'm so sorry I made you do that" she was crying. and i told her it didn't matter after all he was gone. I still suffer some trauma probably more than i care to admit. but it pains me to see other girls rapists not getting punishment for what they did. I was lucky in that sense, but other girls sometimes have to see their rapist everyday and are told to just deal with it….and fuck thats what truly pisses me off. I think that if i wouldn't of ended up with someone who loved me . i would've become some killer prostitute murdering any guy who'd give me those " rapist vibes" ..(sorry if i didn't write coherently I'm just yeah)

No. 48818

well, that's some nice instant karma

No. 48819

Yeah. thing was i think he racked it up. i found out three years later from a close friend he did the same to her for much longer. and that's why she avoided a lot of guys. makes me wonder how many victims he had. all thanks to his "I'm the perfect old fashioned guy" personality ploy.

No. 48820

Are repressed memories real or bullshit?
I remember being really overtly sexual from a young age (like maybe 5 or 6), fantasising about fucking boys in my class. Was always really into violent porn and started watching a young age. I basically had the hormones of a teenager as a young child.
My parents had a lot of really sketchy drug friends, and theres a few family members i distinctly remember disliking for no reason and being frightened of them.
Also I'm bi, and way more afraid of women than men (i feel nervous and upset around them) so maybe it was a woman? (If anything actually happened, that is)
My mom was raped by her stepdad (who I've never met) repeatedly as a teenager so I'm afraid to ask her and just get shut down.

No. 48821

I don't really know if this counts, I don't actually feel like it does, I feel it's my own fault for being stupid as a teenager.

When I lost my virginity I did it with a guy I thought was nice and I kind of just wanted it do be 'over with and done'. This guy had previously had sex with at least 5 other girls, so I thought he would be gentle and nice. But nope, he pretty much just skipped foreplay, didn't even try to losen me up with his fingers, but went straight in, dry, and held me down while I cried and begged him to stop. The next few days I was bleeding and sore and I didn't want to have sex again for a very long time.

Even when I started dating again I always had a problem getting turned on and whenever I have sex I feel myself tense up which results in it hurting and ofc. I ended up in another abusive relationship where the guy would beat me up and my only way to get out of sex was to cry until he stopped trying to touch me. I think I should probably just have gone to therapy, but I'll never tell my parents about this 'cause it just makes me feel like I'm disappointing them by allowing myself to have been in that situation.

A lot of the stories here are a lot worse, I feel sorry for anyone who has been forced into sex.

No. 48822

If you clearly tell him to stop and he continues then that is called rape. It is not your fault.

No. 48823

I was first molested by my father when I was 10, lost my virginity to him when I was 11 when he raped me. He'd continue raping me on and off for years, until I was 15, which was when I taken out the house for unrelated reason. I really sympathize with you OP. I've been in a 3 year old relationship, we don't really do much more than kiss. When we try to have sex, I get really anxious. I get really hot, start sweating, my stomach feels sick and it feels like I'm going to throw up. I've been with this guy for a long time and I'm very much comfortable with him but sex is just ruined for me, it's something I can't enjoy because it's tied to a lot of bad memories and feelings. On a somewhat related note, I feel really guilty about what happened. I never reported what happened to me as I was scared. I sometimes wonder if what happened to me I deserved because I was too weak to say anything about it. Like, if I wasn't such a fucking coward, I could have avoided so much hurt, hurt I still feel today.

No. 48824

I was raped on holiday by one of the hotel staff. My stupid mother wanted to get rid of me so badly so she could call her deadbeat boyfriend without having to deal with me trying to make conversation.
In comes Ahmed and his 50 friends dragging some pissed white women around with them. The guy said that he will take me clubbing and my mother forced me to go with them under the ruse that she will be disappointed in me if I don't saying shit like 'just be normal for once'.
The worst thing is I knew this guy was up to no good but I repressed that feeling thinking it was just me not being 'normal' and that I should be happy that someone wants to hang out with me for once.
Well when heading out of the hotel the guy dragged me off while his friends distracted the other tourists and raped me repeatedly. I had never felt such emotional and physical pain in my life and had never been the same since. This was my first sexual experience. I had dreams of loosing my virginity to someone I trusted but that was gone so fast. I didn't tell my mother but I'm sure she knew. It is hard for me to get close to people and sexual contact freaks me out to the point where my boyfriend had to stop because I had an outright panic attack.

No. 48825


I'm in the same situation as you ,also with a mom who was abused by her stepdad.
Maybe its because we were really young when we discovered the abuse ? I think thats my reason..

No. 48826

>buy a self help book

Would you have any recommendations, anon? I've suffered some sexual trauma from a past relationship and I've been afraid of relationships and intimacy ever since. It would be nice to find a book that addresses some of these issues and talks about how I can heal from them.

No. 48827

Your story really doesn't sound credible. Your mother knew you were raped by what sounds to be a migrant hotel worker and doesn't care? "Forced" you to go clubbing with a foreign stranger?

No. 48828

Yeah Ahmed raping someone is totally unbelievable. Literally never happened before.

No. 48829


Not her, but because it has a muslim in it, we have to believe in the story?

No. 48830

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No. 48831

A girl probably 3 or 4 years older than me forced me to lick her pussy when I was 5 lmao
We were roleplaying as a married couple and I was the husband and one thing led to another, I think her dad noticed something was wrong since the lights were off and she was probably moaning, so he obviously caught us.

Not really sure if that counts as rape, but it left me really confused for several months.

I tried to met and play with her again (we lived in the same building) but she ignored me several times and I just gave up.

No. 48832

Holy shit anon, same. I was 4 and had two friends that were older than me by about 3 years and they always wanted to play house where I'm the husband or the child. They always said the husband had to take care of the wife so they would have me lick their pussies. I didn't really get it but did anyways. They used to show me a lot of porn that their parents had too. When I played the child I had to hide in the closet while whichever one was the husband would go down on the other. Probably went on for a few months before my mom walked in on us playing and banned me from being friends with them again. Really fucking strange experience to have. Didn't exactly understand it for years.

No. 48833

she also used the exact same excuse, that's fucked up man.
Seems like in your case it was worse and repetitive, did it left you with any repercussions?

I remember that since then I became really sexually aware: I started having sexual fantasies with girls I saw on magazines and even with my own mother, also I started to masturbate at that age and so on. Like, it's not a bad thing but it kind off accelerate the natural process.

When I reached age 12 I had completely lost interest in the sexual matter and since then I get aroussed with a lot of difficulty if not at all, but before that age I must admit I masturbated furiously and watched porn regulary.
If I wasn't a weeb autist afraid of getting out of her room back then, I could have possible become a promiscuos kid and probably pregnant.

No. 48834

>it kind off accelerate the natural process.

I'd say that's the biggest side effect that happened. That and being really confused and guilt ridden for actually feeling sexual and masturbating. Back then I would furiously pray for forgiveness and also had a hard time getting really close with female friends. Other BFF's would hold hands or hug each other and I would shrink away, basically not wanting any other female to touch me. At the same time I felt hypersexual and really wanted to have sex. Luckily, I was a fat kid so none of the boys were interested in me. Probably saved me from being promiscuous and pregnant lol. :(

No. 48835

It's entirely believable she just had a shitty mother and hotel staff raped her.

You think the average Abdul in a place like north Africa respects western women? Lol.

No. 48836

I think the difference between 'shitty mother' and 'mother makes you go clubbing with foreign strangers unsupervised at night' is quite large, don't you think? I'm not saying she's lying, I'm just agreeing with the other poster that it does just seem a little far fetched.

No. 48837

I can't speak about this with anyone IRL so I'm hoping you guys might be able to give some input cuz this whole scenario is fucking me up really badly

Basically, a week ago I was referred to an ED clinic by my GP and I had to have a psychological assessment. Everything was OK, asked me a lot of questions about my past, about my life now, but then they asked me if I was ever sexually abused. I was honest (I never told anyone about this before) because I figured I'm attending them because I want my life to get better so I might as well be open/honest otherwise what's the point…? So I said yes, I was molested between the ages 4-6ish.
And it's turned into this huge thing. The doctor was like "oh well you know that by law I now have to report this?" and I was like um no, what the fuck?? I actually burst out crying right then and there. I didn't even know what to say. I thought it would be confidential. I don't want to go through this whole shit. So then my appointment became less about the ED issue and more like a 3 hour ordeal about reporting this thing (they didn't tell me this before they asked me this question!!!!).
I was kind of in shock so I didn't really reply or defy them much but basically they kind of told me I have to report it. Yesterday I got a call from a social worker asking me details, saying this is going to be investigated, saying I will get a letter to give a statement because they want to meet with me… I never even fucking said I wanted to report this!! Not ONCE was I asked what I wanted.
The anxiety this whole situation has given me is unbelievable. I don't want to relive this shit. The whole time they all tried to guilt me by saying "they could be still doing this/you have to help other kids" and yes of course I feel bad about that but the entire reason I came to you guys is because I've hit rock bottom, I am not in a good place right now, this is the absolute last thing I need to deal with! I spent the rest of the day and the day after literally just lying in bed crippled with anxiety, it was so bad I couldn't even go to work that day.
Honestly I don't really know what to think of this whole situation. It just feels unfair to push this issue on me without even considering how I would feel about it? But if I think like that then I feel like total shit because now I feel if I don't report it now I'm an awful human being. I dunno, I'm 24 now and spent a lot of time trying to put that issue behind me (which to be honest isn't even what I feel is even really troubling me!). I don't know how to proceed from here. What should I do? I feel sick even thinking about it.

No. 48838

Wtf? Where are you from, Anon? It's really fishy, tbh. It would have been normal to report it if you would have been a minor, but knowing that you're not, it seems really unethical for them to breach confidentiality against your will. I don't think you should go back there. Therapy is about trust and they tried to guilt you on your fucking first appointment. Take care of yourself. If you're not ready to disclose/talk more about it, just find yourself a new shrink. This is not normal.
If they contact you again, tell that you told that in confidentiality and that the shrink disclosed without your consent. Depending on where you live it could be a big fault on his part. You don't have to go through this now and it isn't fair of them to force you to.

No. 49025

Adding this for you http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug02
What this shrink did was clearly not in your best interest (barring the fact there is a mandatory report on child molestation in your area (be that would be weird, seeing that's it's so long after the fact and you're probably not in immediate danger anymore))

Now is time to take care of yourself. Watch a movie, treat yourself with something, see friends. You didn't deserve that and I'm truly sorry it happened.

No. 49026

Thanks so much for the reply, I appreciate it so much.
I'm from Ireland. Looking back I'm thinking why the hell I didn't say something, even "don't you need my consent?" but I guess it was so emotional/I was in shock I didn't really know what to say.
I think it only really hit me today something was up. When I got the phone call, the woman said "I'll tell them you're undecided" (referring to the people I have to meet) and then I thought "huh? I get to decide?".
The psych said to me "look I'm sorry but if I don't report this, I could lose my job" so I thought it was mandatory (and again no one asked me my opinion on this issue…).
Thanks so much for the link, I appreciate it.

No. 49299

I fucked up my link earlier : http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug02/ethics.aspx

From what I'm reading, it seems that there maybe is some form of mandatory reporting of sexual abuse on minor (https://deshocks.com/2013/04/23/speak-no-evil-how-victims-of-sexual-abuse-are-treated-once-they-report/), but still, I think he mishandled it since you're not a minor anymore.
It's a shitty system and it seems your shrink handled it in an even shittier way.
I'm eurofag myself and I know how psychiatry is behind here (and I'm guessing heavy catholicism in Ireland makes it even worse). I hope you'll feel better. Don't give up on getting help, it sometimes takes time to find the right shrink.

No. 49300

Yeah tbh I'd understand if it was even recent or something but it's 2 decades old at this point! Why was this handled this way? Just makes no sense.
I worked up the courage to talk to my bf about this and he's actually advising I go to a solicitor or lawyer because the psych broke a confidentiality agreement. He didn't inform me before we started that he would have to report stuff, he literally told me nothing. He was also supposed to ask if I had health insurance before we started (he didn't, and when he realised I don't (he advised me for inpatient but you basically can't afford that with no health insurance) he himself admitted he was supposed to ask me that straight away). So he didn't even inform me about any of that.
Ngl, I'm considering it because this whole situation has caused me emotional grief. I dunno, would I even have a case?
The more I think about what happened the angrier I'm getting that these psychs didn't give a fuck about my mental state or how it would affect me. I was really optimistic before this and looking forward to getting my life together but since this appointment all I've felt is constant anxiety, stress and depression. It fucking sucks man.
Thanks for the advice. This whole thing has kind of made me weary of mental health services (I've never availed of any mental health help in my life before this) but you're right… I should try another, maybe I just had bad luck.

No. 49301

I understand your anger, anon. I was myself mistreated by the system (thrown in solitary for a day for no good reason and without any explication during a panic attack because a shrink decided out of nowhere that I was a danger to myself - it was pretty traumatising).
I was angry and hurt for a long time after that, still have nightmares about hospitals.
I don't want to discourage you on taking legal action, but I can tell you that you will have little to no recourse. The system is pretty much rigged against you if you have a mental illness and go up againt a doctor.

But, yeah. Bad shrink happens, shitty things happens. But so do good people and progress. Just don't hesitate to try several doctors and opt-out the moment you're not feeling it. It's a long process, and there will probably be some hard moments on the way. But it's worth it, you deserve support and to feel better.

No. 49302

Not trying to make you feel worse, but the social worker is completely right. Your abuser could still be doing this to children, and that could ruin these children's lives. Think about how it's affected you. How you are feeling right now. You don't think a child could feel the same as you because of it? Don't you want to prevent anyone from feeling the way you do right now?

No. 49303

Is this a real reply lol.
If you're not baiting, that's not the point. I'm crippled with anxiety right now, I have a lot of issues going on which is why I attended in the first place. An investigation is the absolute last thing I need at this moment in time. It's not about the reporting, it's about the fact they disregarded my mental wellbeing totally to report a 20 year old crime I didn't even agree to pursue, nor did they even warn me before they asked the question they'd potentially have to report stuff.
Maybe if they asked me down the line or something but this was just inappropriate at this moment in time.
That was already the moral dilemma I was originally facing; have a potential breakdown over this shit or feel like a sack of shit for not doing anything. Honestly even saying that just makes me feel x10 worse.


Oh man that sucks, I'm so sorry that happened. Hope you're doing ok nowadays.
Yeah probably, I'm just so upset right now. It feels so wrong. If he had gone about it the proper channels maybe I would have agreed but it's spooked me so much I feel like I'm probably just not going to give a statement (which again makes me feel like shit but the psych opened some really old wounds and left me to deal with them while also making the situation so much worse than before, my anxiety is through the roof rn). I'll take your advice and try a different one if I get the courage to try again.

No. 49304

Of course it's a real reply. I've read everything that you wrote.
Anon, please do the right thing. Someone who abused you as a child is out there right now, and can very well be abusing other children. Do you honestly not care? Have you considered the fact that by you coming forward about it, there may be other people who feel that they have the courage to also come forward?

No. 49305

Honestly, I dunno if this is even sexual abuse. Mine seems to be pretty different than a lot of people's here. Basically when I was about 13, my friend (I did it to her too, we were dumb shits back then) posted my phone number somewhere, honestly it was so long ago I don't remember where. A 30 year old guy contacted me, I didn't think twice about it because well, I was stupid. Anyways, he initiated a relationship with me, and basically started emotionally abusing me. He lived in my state too, but we'll get to that in a bit. I don't want to say forced, because you know how things are with emotional abuse victims "Why didn't you just make him stop?" "Why didn't you just leave??", but he "forced" me to take inappropriate pictures of myself (basically nudes), and I became I guess I little loli cam whore for him and all his friends (all of whom were 30+). I think even a picture of my breasts ended up somewhere on 4chan, I remember he was angry about it, guess he wanted me to be his property. I did unspeakable things (its actually disgusting, I don't want to talk about it) because they said so.
Despite being a dumb thirteen year old, I was struggling a lot with having a purpose in life, so at the time my purpose was doing everything he said, everything and anything. I felt like I couldn't get any better, depression stuff that I've had since forever, etc. Eventually I woke up and realized he was a piece of shit, so I left him. He threatened to have his friends rape me and my sister, threatened to kill me (he was in the military or something, the navy I think it was) if I left. Now you might be saying "Oh whatever, empty threat." But this guy had literal mental problems. I remember him describing to me how he raped a girl while he was in the navy, drove 3 people to kill themselves, "accidentally" set fire to a building, had no issues with rape or murder, and that he always had something "wrong" with him (even when he said these things to me, I didn't leave him cause apparently I had a weird thing for actually insane people, I dunno.)
I still left, but was terrified about what could happen to me. Last thing I said to him then was a threat of legal action if I ever saw him in my town. 2-3 years later, I'm like 15, my dumb ass goes back to him because depression, but after not even 5 months I left him again because he didn't help at all, and I was scared of him. He didn't act exactly how he once did but he still to some degree, emotionally abused me. Been in and out of therapy, depression isn't anything new so I don't think what happened is why I was diagnosed. Haven't spoken to him in forever, never ever will, but the fool probably didn't care about me. He had a good paying job and had basically all he could have ever wanted, as well as apparently other "slaves", he called them.
All in all, now I don't trust people and feel like a fucking whore for letting someone see every little part of myself when I was a preteen just because they ordered me too. I fucking hate emotional abuse, its like people don't even think its a legit thing, I've started to believe it too. Anyways, maybe that relates to this? Sorry if I seem too laid back about it but honestly I'm just glad he's gone, all of those men are gone, and that I'm safe now. Parents never knew about it surprisingly, that or they did and just never said anything to me.
Sorry if anything I said in here doesn't count or whatever.

No. 49306

You should see a therapist, honestly. That wasn't your fault, and you need extra help to really get past it. I doubt your parents knew and ignored it.

No. 49307

Well that's the thing. I have been to a therapist, 3 times, three different ones, since then. But here I am, feeling like shit still. Sometimes I doubt that therapy actually helps, or maybe it just can't help people like me. I feel like all hope of getting better is just out the fucking window at this point. I wouldn't wish the kind of life on my worst enemy.

No. 49308

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just remembered this sudden shock that's still got me reeling. apparently, i was sexually assaulted by the love of my life all through high school. it is very obvious looking back on it but when it was happening my reaction was pic related. it never dawned on me. now that my counselor has talked with me about that relationship i'm in denial. or was. i just want to die now, honestly. and she says that's why i have trust issues. now that i have accepted it and now know what was going on, i'm so sad for my 14 year old self lol. my mom, she hated that guy, and for good reason. i don't even want to tell her because i know she'll try to destroy him, and i know she'll tell her boyfriend and he'll want to maim him, and she'll probably tell my father, and then it will be a big bloody mess.

i'm tearing up now because i wouldn't have these weird feelings towards guys and no trust in them whatsoever if it wasn't for him. small things they do or say can make me turn on them. i wouldn't be so lonely lol oh my goddd i just want to pummel him.

he forced the sex to happen. we weren't together over two weeks and he was trying to finger me in the gym. i shook my head against him and he paused but did it anyway. and it was painful. he would finger my ass randomly and it frightened me because i'd never know when it was coming. i let this happen up until 11th grade lol, it just never clicked. every time i would try to talk things out with him it would somehow go to sex. he would somehow end up forcing his fingers in my ass and i would be drained of all emotion. that's how losing my virginity to him was. i was trying to talk to him about our relationship and how sorry and wrong i was and he started fingering me in the fucking hallway, and then he said let's go to his truck. and i agreed, and while we were there, i thought it would be just us talking and maybe oral but when i looked over he was pantless and saying "it's now or never, let's do it right now." i was cautious because we were in the school parking lot in a truck. he wasn't even worrying about protection! i tried to find the condom i had but he kept repeating "it's now or never…well i'm gonna leave.." and i gave up searching for it and gave in. when he put it in, i was on top and i was telling him that it hurt horribly and i was smacking his shoulders and saying ow, and he fucking shoves it deeper. and that's when i think every emotion in me evaporated.

that was the biggest betrayal of my life, and i can't let it go.

No. 49309

I don't really know how to start this off but here goes my story.

I had a really fucked up childhood. At one point, my mom let her boyfriend rape me. This was a daily thing for years and she acted like it never happened. When I finally came out about it to get help a few years ago, she told everyone that I lied and that I am "just crazy". But she knows what happened. Goes without saying, but this resulted in me not receiving the help that I needed (after being diagnosed with PTSD and numerous other issues) and made my distant family shun me (I was already kind of a black sheep but after this they never took me seriously about neglect, abuse, and endangerment at home).

More recently I dated a guy that made me feel amazing emotionally and sexually. I really thought that he was the one but after being together for a while he cheated on me, dumped me, claimed that he used me for sex, and continued to sexually and verbally harass me.

Him and I have been broken up for a while now but this seriously tore me apart. It also brought me to the realization that I've been used. A lot, in both sexual and nonsexual ways. I can't help but feel like a toy.

I can't help for a while because I'm in a bad situation at home right now, but venting about it here honestly helps so much since I don't really have anyone else right now.

No. 49310

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I dont really know how to start this off to be honest.

It was in my stupid just started college/party every night phase and I made some pretty bad decisions. When I met this guy I thought he was the funniest most handsome guy I have ever met, and we hit it off really well. He would spend the weekends with me in my dorm looking up stupid youtube videos and drinking with me and I thought it was love because I was stupid at the time.

About a month into our ''relationship'' I go out with him to a party and he says that his mate (that i had just met that night) will let us crash at his place for the night because we were so far downtown and the coaches stop at like 2 in the morning so I thought that was sweet. We get there and have a couple of drinks and talk for a bit and then me and my guy went into the guest room and laid down to go to sleep. And I hate myself so much because I can remember being so happy with my head on his chest and everything and then the door opens and his friend comes in and strides right over to the bed and starts to take my pants off. At first I was laughing thinking it was like a joke but then my guy pins me down and starts helping him and I start to panic and kick out at whatever. To my horror this guy i had just met starts forcing his fingers inside me while this guy i thought i knew and trusted put me in a sleeper hold and I couldnt move. I remember saying 'no please no ' at least thirty or fourty times and looking into my guys face and just seeing nothing there.

At one point i remember thrashing and falling off of the bed then trying to run for the door to be grabbed by my hair and thrown to the floor by his friend. They both laughed and were like 'you say no a lot' and his friend ended up fucking me on the floor of his dirty ass apartment while i just laid there and hoped it would end. Its around this time my guy ''friend'' goes to leave the room and asks if he could have his K and pack of smokes now and his fat ugly pimply ass friend says yes and he leaves without even a backwards look at me.

I dont know how long it went on for but it felt like a lifetime.
When it was all done and he got off of me to go to the bathroom I didnt even wait to grab my pants or get my shoes or my purse - I just ran out of the door to the street wearing nothing but a t shirt and a sweater to cover my legs and ass. I remember running to the bus station with this strangers cum dripping down my legs and just feeling so small.

It was only later on when I was able to look back on the situation with some objectivity that I realised that I was essentially sold to a guy for a night for a pack of smokes, a couch to sleep on and a vial of K. It feels awful to know that my entire existence was only worth that much to this person I thought genuinely liked me.

Fast forward to 3 years later and Im living in an apartment with a man that treats me like a princess. I still wake up at night in cold sweats thinking about that night though. I hope eventually the pain goes away but I dont know if it ever will.

No. 49311

Glad life has improved for you, anon. Men like that are disgusting and weak. Hope their dicks fall off. Sorry you had to experience that.
Reading this thread is depressing. Can't trust anybody, na'days

No. 49312

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I don't talk about these because I always get the canned and obvious "You should have told someone" response which makes me feel 100x worse.

When I was 12 I was still going to a pediatrician because my mom couldn't afford anything better for my age. She wasn't in the room when I was getting a check-up and after all the usual shit he had me lay down on the table-bed thing (which was comically way too short for me).

He said he had to check on my development. He then proceeded to lift my shirt, feel me up, lift my pants, and feel in between my thighs. I was pressing them together in some combination of fear and shock, but completely confused as to what was going on. I still have a memory his voice uttering a sort of mumbled "You're developing quite nicely."

I said nothing to my mom, not just about that event but about anything. I was so caught off guard and confused by the whole thing and whether or not that was something he was supposed to do (again, 12, and mildly sheltered).

Sometime after that I became hyper-sexual and looking back I'm not sure if it was just hormones or if that event did have some effect. Years later when I actually dealt with it and realized it was wrong, I felt a ton of regret for not knowing or saying anything because it bothers me thinking he may have done that to others, but there was nothing I could do at that point.

I spent my teen years having very little regard for sexual safety, but due to my mom's crazy and micro-managing, most of that came out through online relationships, until I was an adult.

When I was 22, I was staying in a friend's apartment, provided by his school, but I wasn't allowed to be there and if I was found out, everyone could be kicked out. I decided to poke around Facebook to see what old childhood friends were up to and happened to find this kid who lived down the road from me for about 3 years before vanishing mysteriously.

We hit it off and since he still lived in the area and we were really close in those 3 years he was around (he was my first crush when I was 11). I got him to come out and visit. Given how close we were as kids, and how risky my current living situation was, I decided to move in with him, thinking I'd have more freedom.

Well, I fucking didn't. I also didn't consider how much someone could change in a decade. He was no longer the sweet, introverted nerd kid I knew, and was now a sociopathic douchebag with mountains of insecurity.

To him, if I was living there, I was his property, emphasis on "his". He was fine the first month, but after that he began using all forms of emotional manipulation, convincing me that my friends didn't actually care for me. Since he'd been around during my worst years of not fitting in during Middle School and all the bullying I faced, he knew how to get under my skin. Coupled with the fact that my mom was dead and I grew up without a dad and trying to reconnect only caused a fight and he cast me out just 2 months prior to living with this guy, I was gradually convinced that I didn't have anyone who really gave a shit.

I'm a tiny vagina, and he was fairly sizable, so sex hurt and was uncomfortable and I was also nearly asexual at that point due to lots of regrets about my history (especially since my mom died while I was running away from home being a ho). He didn't give a shit that I didn't want it. He got angry, repeatedly told me I "owed him" for living there (even though I was paying rent). I would try to shower and since the door had no lock, he'd walk in and start feeling me up, and eventually force himself on me. I told him repeatedly that I didn't want it, but did it anyway, and after he left I'd sit in a ball and cry. I started showing while he was at work and he'd come home and start antagonizing me, saying I smelled, claiming I was lying about showering.

At night he'd start groping me, holding tight if I tried to struggle, putting my hand down his pants and grasping onto my wrist so I couldn't pull away.I was low on sleep, and since I'm diagnosed with PTSD, I started having more and more bad flashback dreams. I told him about them and he gave me some bullshit quote about how as adults the monsters under our bed become monsters in our head.

About three months in I really didn't know… pretty much anything anymore. I don't really know how to describe it but I was pretty lost. I became incredibly suicidal because of how lost, alone, and hopeless he made me feel. I couldn't even leave the apartment because he refused to get me a key and made it clear after I went to an alumni event during the first month that he'd be 100% willing to lock me out, and considering I didn't have a cellphone at all, well…

He insisted I was a child, started controlling what I ate (by the lat month it was 1 small microwavable cup of Chef Boyarde ravioli) and threatened not to bring home food if I didn't give him sex. I was already pretty skinny, and now I was also incredibly tired.

Sometime in Nov I had a pregnancy scare. When I told him, he ignored me for 2 days, but I managed to borrow his phone and contact the mother of a friend who lived 20min away to come help me. We picked up tests but I insisted we stay out as long as possible because I didn't want to go home. Later that night, during dinner, I started having really, really bad stomach pains and was taken to the ER and put on morphine while they ran some blood tests. Turns out I wasn't pregnant, but my cycle was incredibly fucked up. Douchebag ignored texts and calls from my friend's mom saying I was in the hospital -until- she told him I wasn't pregnant. It was likely caused by the lack of proper nutrition and sleep, but I didn't say anything.

That night did give me a bit more bravery and broke me out of my slump, so I started standing up to the douche. There were LOUD verbal arguments back and forth. Hilariously, since he's 5in shorter than me, he'd actually fucking climb onto furniture just so he could look down on me.

With relief, the forced sex started happening less frequently, but the other abuse got worse (this was when the canned ravioli thing started). I tried to get out via registered for medical assistance and getting a therapist, but they needed a statement from him saying I was living there but independent. He flat out refused to do this, stating that I wasn't independent because I was a child just because I had never been employed or gone to college (my mom died in my senior year of HS, I was a fucking vagrant. In any case this shitstain was a dropout who worked as Gamestop.)

I spent New Years with a friend who came down from an hour away, but lo and behold I wasn't fucking allowed back in, so I went to the house of that other friend whose mom helped me out before, and stayed 2 nights until I was let back in.

For the next few weeks, fights were more frequent and louder. I evolved from "child" to "crazy bitch" apparently. One night after another fight with him going above and beyond to de-legitimize the abuse and loss I'd experienced in my teen years, claiming that my mom's death was my fault because I ran away. He started asking for sex again, I refused, he surprisingly gave up and fell asleep, or so I thought. I went to sleep a couple hours later, only to wake up to him yanking down the back of my pants and trying to force himself into the "wrong hole". I immediately jumped, knocking him out of me and off balance, turned, and slammed his head against a wall hard. That was the first time I saw this kid with a look of fear on his face rather than arrogance.

Less than a week later, we get in another argument, and I ask for his phone to leave. He denies me, and goes in his room with the door shut. I kick it in at the knob, splitting the wood a bit. I try to take his phone and get help from my friend's mom again. He tries to wrestle it from me, I win and run around the apartment texting a "Come get me. Help. Serious." or something like that. I got a reply and threw his phone back at him. He was coming after me, fists clenched (he'd never punched me before or anything), but I had this massive rush of adrenaline and kept running around, shouting that he couldn't do jack shit to me because someone was on their way and if he tried, they'd know and call the cops on his ass.

He gave up and returned to his room, slammed the door.

That friend's family was moving out in a month so they'd previously said they couldn't help when I asked during New Years, but now they knew how serious it was and were willing to keep me temporarily. I had to leave a bunch of stuff behind and doucher's place because I was in such a rush to get out.

I spent the next few months repressing everything and trying to forget, I didn't wan to acknowledge anything that happened, so I found a ton of distractions (drinking heavily whenever memories came back up). It took 4 years to even begin to process it and it wasn't until then I actually ran it through my head that every instance of what he did was rape. Like, even now I get this feeling in my chest when writing that word because it bothers me to associate that word with what he did, but that's what it is.

Last winter was when I first started to actually try and deal with it, but it was rough. I did a shit ton of drinking (housemate was a liquor clerk), and would walk down the traintracks behind my condo sometimes when either sober or only mildly tipsy considering throwing myself on them, but the only thing holding me back was stories of people throwing themselves in front of cars and trains and how horrifying it was for people who had to deal with it. It wasn't just the rape, but a lot of other things he said that got to me, like blaming me for my mom's death.

I'd lost a lot of my desire for physical sex after that, but still had enough of a sex drive to talk about sexual things. Another crush who I trusted came to visit in the spring and I couldn't manage to enjoy sex with him despite my feelings for him, like that part of my brain was just shut down once it came to the physical act. I got involved in a relationship with a guy whose voice sounded almost exactly identical, and had a sleep-groping problem until I stacked pillows between us. He was really innocent and a bit of a pushover, but it still made sex incredibly rare and I didn't have the heart to tell him why.

I still struggle with it and only have one week a month where I get REALLY horny (likely just hormones). I've had sex with my boyfriend but I find it difficult unless I'm facing him so my brain doesn't start doing weird shit and bringing those memories back. I'm very wary of men and have even cast out male friends who have shown very needy sexual attraction.

I have a lot of regrets about not reporting this one either, but at the same time, when I thought about doing so while processing it last winter, I realize there's nothing that could have been done. He didn't beat me to leave marks, I lived with him, so there was nothing that I could take to court about it.

I looked him up again on FB a couple weeks ago and he's apparently dating some woman who looks like she could be his mom, so I like to hope he's grown up and that I was the only one he put through all that.

Anyway sorry for the novel, I didn't intend to write this much but it feels good to get it out.

No. 49313

I'm so sorry, anon. Your life sounded like a living hell and you are an incredible person for making it through that. Please stay strong and remember that this isn't the way it's supposed to be. You will find a guy that won't abuse you and will treat you wonderfully. Work on yourself until then and just… heal. You deserve so much better than that moldy dickbag. Your mother is a real piece of shit too, no offense, and you deserve soo much better. Good luck, anon.

No. 49314

i'm so so sorry anon, that sounds utterly terrible. i'm so sorry. i really do hope you're able to be happy with your life today.

No. 54117

Yes, yes, yes.

As a kid I showed nearly every symptom. I was so sexual, to the point where I was masturbating in public at 4-5, I would always touch myself to really violent/sometimes gory stuff, and always talk about sex to friends even though I shouldn't have even known half the shit I knew?? And now I have horrible, awful dreams constantly about molestation or rape, usually molestation with groping/grinding, which makes me wonder if that's what happened, and nowadays I get sick to my stomach if I touch myself or anything touches my nips (sorry if tmi.)

It really sucks. Half of me wishes that I would just know if it happened or not so I wouldn't be stuck in this hell of not knowing.

No. 54504


Repressed Memories was/is a commonly accepted happening in Psychology, but it's still a very bad idea to take it as a full-on truth.

What we do know: Memories change often. Our Memory of an event gets changed almost every time we speak about it. People increasingly believe reality-based dreams they had when they were younger as true memories.

Kids can be sexual at very young ages w/o trauma. You may have watched a show (remember daytime tv talk shows LOVED the sexual abuse drama), and peaked your interest to the point that you would develop an interest in sexual abuse stories/get aroused with fictional, trauma-based sexual situations. I remember I watched read a chapter in Chicken Soup for The Kids Soul about a girl's step-father touching her while she slept in his room during a storm, and I'd think "Does my dad do this to?". No. He didn't. He never did, but the more you read/expose yourself to the abuse dynamic, the easier it is to say "Well, certain pieces fit and it would explain My XYZ."

"If we assume, then, that some of the memories might be authentic and some might not be, we can then raise this question: If a memory is recovered that is not authentic, where would it come from? Ganaway (1989) proposed several hypotheses to explain SRA memories, and these same ideas are relevant to memories of a repressed past. If not authentic, the memories could be due to fantasy, illusion, or hallucination-mediated screen memories, internally derived as a defense mechanism. Further paraphrasing Ganaway, the SRA memories combine a mixture of borrowed ideas, characters, myths, and accounts from exogenous sources with idiosyncratic internal beliefs. Once activated, the manufactured memories are indistinguishable from factual memories. Inauthentic memories could also be externally derived as a result of unintentional implantation of suggestion by a therapist or other perceived authority figure with whom the client desires a special relationship, interest, or approval." - from The Reality of Oppressed Memories by Elizabeth F. Loftus

No. 54505

More from this Paper:

"Claims of corroborated repressed memories occasionally appear in the published literature. For example, Mack (1980) reported on a 1955 case involving a 27-year-old borderline man who, during therapy, recovered memories of witnessing his mother attempting to kill herself by hanging. The man's father later confirmed that the mother had attempted suicide several times and that the son had witnessed one attempt when he was 3 years old. The father's confirmation apparently led to a relief of symptoms in the son. It is hard to know what to make of examples such as these. Did the son really remember back to age 3, or did he hear discussions of his mother's suicide attempts later in life? The memories could be real, that is, genuine instances of repressed memories that accurately returned much later. If true, this would only prove that some memory reports are authentic but obviously not that all reports are authentic. "

"To say that memory might be false does not mean that the person is deliberately lying. Although lying is always possible, even psychotherapists who question the authenticity of reports have been impressed with the honesty and intensity of the terror, rage, guilt, depression, and overall behavioral dysfunction accompanying the awareness of abuse ( Ganaway, 1989, p. 211 ).

There are at least two ways that false memories could come about. Honestly believed, but false, memories could come about, according to Ganaway (1989), because of internal or external sources. The internal drive to manufacture an abuse memory may come about as a way to provide a screen for perhaps more prosaic but, ironically, less tolerable, painful experiences of childhood. Creating a fantasy of abuse with its relatively clear-cut distinction between good and evil may provide the needed logical explanation for confusing experiences and feelings. The core material for the false memories can be borrowed from the accounts of others who are either known personally or encountered in literature, movies, and television."

No. 54507

The whole paper is available here: https://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/lof93.htm

I suggest reading through it as an alternative, and better researched opinion on the topic. Not to say repression does not happen, but generally once you venture into this subject you'll find a network of people validating each other's "uncovering", using classic PTSD and War Vet Amnesia as "proof" that Repressed Memories are real and happen often. I'd rather arm people with a fuller picture of what's being theorized as happening before plaguing themselves with recovering past trauma.

No. 55435

I know this post was really long but I'm still looking for help, it's all I think about and I can't function.
summary: mutual friend of abusive ex (but not a close friend) publically posts a lot about wanting to support survivors, but doesn't know his friend abused me. Abusive ex is also a SJW now.
Both of these things are triggering as fuck and I spend all my time thinking about telling that mutual friend, but stressing that opening that can of worms will make anything better and I'm scared that because it can be seen as a gray area I won't be believed
I don't know who to talk to about it, I'm just going in circles

No. 55446

I had my pediatrician do something similar to me. My mom was even in the room, but she was sitting behind him reading a magazine so she couldn't see what he was doing. I'd been having appointments with this doctor for a few years at this point so we were familiar and comfortable.

He was pressing his fingers on my abdomen and chest for whatever reason and checking things. Then he just casually put his hand down the front of my underwear and grabbed my vagina. He put his finger in part way and just kinda lingered there. He didn't say anything (no warning whatsoever) then just moved on like it didn't happen. It was scary, but I didn't say anything because I convinced myself that he was just doing normal doctor stuff. I definitely did not want to be considered a "whiner".

It definitely stuck with me. I would recall the event every now and then and wonder why it bothered me so much. Wasn't til I was in my late teens that it suddenly hit me that I'd been molested.

I told my grabdmother and she scoffed at me. She said this doctor was a nice man and one of the most trusted pediatricians in the community and that he would never do anything like that.

I was shocked at how callous my grandma was about it, but it's more alarming to me that this pedo is still practicing and has gotten by this long without being caught. He's in his 70's. I want to believe that I was the only one he did that to, but who am I kidding? He's probably done worse.

No. 55952

I'm really fucked up right now. Yesterday was supposed to be a chill day and I ended up telling my boyfriend and mom that I think I was abused as a kid by my stepdad.

I say think, because for the life of me I don't remember my childhood that well… Only bits and pieces and I only really remember highschool up. Yesterday I felt so relieved to say something but now I'm doubting myself. My stepdad did some shit but, I don't remember him like this and I feel so guilty for even thinking like this.

But in a weird way it makes sense because what I do remember was weird… I was weirdly sexual as a kid, I played with dolls till like I was around twelve and my favorite thing to do was pretend they where fucking. I'd decapitate them, take their faces off with nail polish and I even had a cabbage patch kid which I wrote "sex" all over. I still have that doll and it's the only real "evidence" I have.

When I got into highschool I'd let guys finger me in the hallways and empty classrooms, I jerked a guy off in the woods and the cops told us to leave, I used to drink vodka when I got home early and my stepdad never said anything about it, plus I'm a pothead (I was high when I accidentally told my boyfriend and he convinced me to tell my mom)

I've told both of them I'm not sure if it's even real, and I'm definitely not going to try and press charges or even figure out if this did happen.

Yesterday wasn't the only time this thought crossed my mind, the first time I felt it was like in December… TMI but I was in the car with my boyfriend going home one night and I could just feel a vaginal pain like nothing else. My mind flashed to my stepdad but I told myself I was just remembering the first time he taught me to ride a bike. I still believe that but, fuck I'm confused.

I googled repressed memories and I relate to quite a bit… the most noticable is the fact that I peed the bed till my late teens, after I knew I'd never see him again.

The worst part is that… for some reason I remember liking the "attention" I got.

Yesterday I felt so relieved to talk about it but now I feel guilty because, what if I lied and made everyone feel bad for nothing? Why would I even do this in the first place?

The memories I had yesterday where so fucking vivid and now I can't remember anything at all.

Someone plz tell me it was the weed.

No. 56089

Is this even qualified to be called sexual assault??? I don't know.

I spent the night with a male friend (no sex! Just "you sleep on the floor i sleep in bed thing") when i was 17, we were both buddies and he was a little younger than me.

Well a month later we date, and he told me that the night he stayed over he waited until I was asleep (heavy sleeper) and touched my tits and jerked himself off with my feet.

I was repulsed and managed to dump him like a month later.

The few people in my life have scoffed at the story and called him a weirdo.

I can't fall asleep in the same room as any male who isn't my bf, I get really nervous just thinking about it.
I don't have trouble talking to men, but when i see them getting "into" me i get really afraid and stop associating with them.

I wouldn't say I'm traumatized, but maybe fucked up from it a little?

Does this even count as sexual assault?
Pretty much everyone has told me it isn't and that I'm being a baby about being so hurt about it. Or "that's just weird shit teenage boys do."

I don't know how to feel?

I'm also child on child sexual abuse survivor but i came to terms with that a long time ago.

No. 56104

That's def sexual assault, look up the legal definitions. To put it into perspective, it would have been rape if he'd penetrated you with anything.
I'm really sorry that happened to you anon, but you're not overreacting at all. That's shit that predatory teenage boys do, and it's not normal or ok.

No. 56740

My mom is trying to have sexual relations with me and I hate it. I try to look for advice online and literally nothing comes up.
I love my dad and they're still married, so it's not like I can stop seeing her if I want to still see my dad.
I also don't know how to confront this situation at all without being made out to be crazy or a liar. My mom has always denied any wrongdoing she commits as well.
The best I can do is make comments about how gross it is when parents try to hook up with their kids, while I'm around her.
It's been getting worse recently, but it was only recently that I learned that the things she has done all of my life have been messed up in the first place. I literally had to ask my close friends if it was normal to realize it wasn't, because it was so commonplace in my life that I was unsure of it actually being anything.
So it's like on top of feeling disgusted about everything, things are getting more disgusting.
I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'm not sure there's even advice to be given to me. I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone else that understands how I feel, really. I feel so alone in this.

No. 56741

Thirding a creepy pediatrician story. Mine used to check my vagina out every visit. Like just fiddle around with it and look at it. I was never sure why he did this. My mom would be in the room. Idk. When I was about 10 it made me feel really disgusted (I didn't know why at the time, but I really wanted to cry. I held back tears because I thought I was being a baby and this was normal), so I asked my mom to change to a female doctor.
Surprise surprise, new doctor never did this to me.

To add to the shitty, I opened up to my abusive ex about this finally while we were dating. He basically immediately told one of our neighbors (not even a good friend or anyone trustworthy) about it, just to return tto me to tell me that our neighbor told me that I need to get over it. Like what the fuck.

My current BF is so kind. When I told him he held my hand, apologized for it happening to me, and told me that nobody should have ever done that to me. I cried because I finally felt like I wasn't being irrational about the situation. Finally, someone else saw that it wasn't okay.
Ironically?, having the feedback that it wasn't okay made me feel worse about what happened and about my ex just so casually talking to my neighbor about something that traumatized me and then berating me for it. I guess because I finally feel as though I'm allowed to feel bad about it.
I'm happy my current BF is helping me work through these things. I know I'll get better some day.

No. 56744

My best friend's husband has been sexually harassing (assaulting?) me for months now. He gropes me and makes excuses for us to be alone so he can try to go further. So far I've told one mutual friend and he pretty much brushed it off by saying he'd "noticed that" but nothing else. It honestly made me feel stupid for even trying to bring it up. I'm very socially isolated, my best friend her husband and that mutual friend are my only irl social support. My best friend and her husband have two kids and they live with his family and I'm terrified if I try to tell her what he's done she'll choose him over me because she's so dependent on him. And while technically that wouldn't make her a good friend I just…..don't want to be alone. I don't want to give up literally all my friends for something that doesn't feel like a big deal. I'm not in college anymore and my coworkers are much older than me so it'd be more trouble than it's worth imo trying to make friends.

No. 56748

I was not raped but my dad molested me when I was 6-8 years old and I feel like garbage forever because of it. Like it wasn't comparatively even "that bad" or whatever but I still feel "ruined". I'm 20+ years old now, never dated, virgin, all that. I'm just afraid of men but at the same time I'm secretly so sexual it disgusts me. I'm super clingy and weird and desperate with the only guy who even talks to me. I don't really know how to put this in words, I just want it out of me because I never told anyone. Well, at least my dad isn't alive anymore, maybe I'll tell my mom when I'm like 50 if I'm still alive then. Sage because this is so fucking incoherent I'm sorry.

No. 56749


Oh and just to clarify I'm not calling anyone who experienced worse (or same!) things than I did "ruined", it's just how I feel about myself and myself alone. I feel sad for all who have been wronged by these disgusting "people"…

No. 56751

It is a big deal. Every time he touches you, it's him claiming that he has more right over your body than you do. He does not. Your body is yours. You deserve to be free of his touch. You deserve to keep your body to yourself.
I know you're afraid of losing your friends because of your female friend potentially being a "bad friend" and chosing her partner over you, but it would make you a good friend to tell her. She deserves the knowledge that could free her from a bad partner. You deserve to be free of unwanted touch. It could be really good for both you and your friend.

You deserve to own your body and be safe. If everyone abandons you after that, come here and let me know. I'll talk to you.


I'm proud of you for sharing with us. You did a great job! Thank you, from one human being to another, for allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to take this small step towards healing. You deserve to feel and be happy. I love you, stranger, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. If there's somebody that you know that genuinely loves and trusts you, opening up to them may be helpful if you ever find yourself ready
Again, thank you both for sharing. I hope that you have wonderful days and find freedom from your pain soon.

No. 56753

Anyone else dealing with the residual anger?

I was assaulted three times, but my family only knows about the last time. Adding in the horrible childhood I had, I can't help but get enraged at my relatives for not stepping in. I mean looking back, I was throwing out a lot of red flags, but instead of paying the fuck attention, my family basically labeled me "weird".

Luckily, I've moved away and keep them all at arms length, but part of me is still pissed.

No. 56797

OMG this. I was molested at age 9 by a guy who was friends with my mom and rented a room in our house. I am still livid about what happened to me and that nothing was done. My mom refused to admit she knew anything but she did. When I confessed about the assault, her response was like "if I'd known I would have kicked him out." Kicked him out?! WTAF that would have been your only response? It sickens me. Also she casually made reference to seeing him around town years afterward, like it was nothing. This guy did time in prison and hurt other girls besides me. The police came to the house looking for him, bullshit she didn't know. Also a few years ago one of my childhood best friends called me out of nowhere, we had not spoken in over 20 years. She told me so much more about the stuff going on back then. So much I didn't know. He sexually abused her too, at my house. Back then we were so young and didn't know better that it was wrong. It makes me feel so guilty and disgusted. Apparently my mom was the one who made us stop being friends after that. My friend who was also assaulted told her family and they did the right thing and pressed charges. There was a whole court case and everything and she had to deal with all of that alone. I could have testified too, I could have supported her…but my mom cut off contact with her parents and we could never be friends again. I have so much guilt and anger. Her life was completely ruined. She had a litany of abusive partners since then, and last we spoke, she was deep in a meth addiction. I finally confessed about the abuse to my dad several years ago and his response was, "but I asked you over the phone if he touched you and you said no!" I was scared and ashamed and felt guilty and that it was my fault and I couldn't verbally admit it to him back then…he believed my no. This piece of shit who abused me worked in a daycare and hurt many other kids. He did time in prison but eventually got out. How in the fuck could my mom not know? I was a really messed up kid. There were tons of red flags…but my mom, being a sociopath, felt nothing and did nothing. Anyway I just meant to commiserate anon, sorry for the long post. You are not alone. I think you have every right to be angry. Some things fuck with us for life and it isn't a walk in the garden to get over stuff like that. I think the anger can be healthy. It means we know what happened to us was wrong and an injustice. It's better than being ashamed or blaming yourself, you know? I hope you find peace and healing anon. I hope that for me and for all of us who were violated in this way.

No. 56802

I'm not the anons you are responding to, but thank you so much for responding to them because reading your replies feels very validating and good for me. I hope you are having the best day you can possibly manage.

Yes, I'm an anon from many posts back with a lot of obsessive anger 6 years after abuse. Have you ever spoken to a counselor? Mine told me that anger is a very understandable part of recognizing that we have been hurt and that power was taken away from us. We are told that anger is a bad emotion, but the anger is ours and it's our right to feel it in the same way that our bodily rights are ours alone. Mine couldn't tell me how to break down my anger but recommended writing it down for only a short set amount of time to 'park' it, speaking to someone in person and also doing CBT emotion flowcharts to address your feelings. This time 2 years ago I used to lose almost every day I was alone to obsessing in anger, but now it is more like one concentrated streak of anger every month and a gentle undercurrent of hatred, progress is slow but it's there. Good luck to you and the other anon in your futures.

No. 56812

>When I confessed about the assault, her response was like "if I'd known I would have kicked him out." Kicked him out?! WTAF that would have been your only response? It sickens me.

When my mom found out my step-brother had molested me for three years, she just handed me a wad of cash out of her purse. I was floored, wtf! How is that supposed to help me?!


I started un-packing everything two years ago, and it's been a bit of roller coaster. I came to the realization that I had been downplaying my abuse and started to realize how bad of a childhood I truly had. I was assaulted by three different individuals at three different points in my childhood. I wasn't counting the first two, since I was super young (first I was four, second about 7 or so), and they only happened once. I have hard core Reactive Attachment Disorder issues, so talking about feelings to anyone takes a lot of trust and my first therapist lost it.

Eventually, I started having PTSD attacks to the point where I had to go a few times to the Psych ER. From there they put me in intensive group therapy with DBT. To be honest, I understood and liked DBT more than CBT. But my personality disorder hindered those sessions since most of the time my brain says "Tell them everything is fine, no need to instigate further attention, attention of any kind is bad new bears"

They released me from the program, in which I had appointments with another round of doctors out of the program, but I decided it wasn't worth going through the pain.

I'm in a better place now, and the only reason why I get flustered is when I see my relatives happy, talking about their perfect lovely fucking lives. How nice it is that their parents paid for their car and education, and can essentially just slide right into normal life. While it seemed for me I had to jump through hoops made of fire, and get labeled the weird goth.

But in the end, I just tell myself its not worth the anger. That I should be happy that there at least a good number of people who get to have wonderful perfect lives. To make a difference, I need to work with others to make sure that this shit doesn't happen to the younger generations.

No. 56848

I'm so glad you're in a better place. You and everyone else shouldn't have to feel guilty if you ever slip up on it, you are and enough and important that these feelings are valid, please don't ever feel like you need to minimize these feelings just to live up to some standard or ideal unless it's your own ideal.
>To make a difference, I need to work with others to make sure that this shit doesn't happen to the younger generations.
This. I'm not strong enough to volunteer with any of the support services just yet but I'm doing small things like donating when I can, making sure that younger kids in my or my friends families are getting the right messages and just keeping my eye on anything where my contribution could help in some way without outing myself as a "survivor". Every person deserves to be safe.

No. 58011

Have you figured anything out in the past month?

I too am struggling with questionable repressed memories. I had a dream about being molested by a family member, and it felt SO real. I was angry in this dream, which is what makes it stand out from other similar dreams.
I woke up and just bolted up out of bed and sat there for a while.
I don't know, man. I hope we both find what we're looking for.
I know how you feel. My ex was abusive too, and because of this I ended up staying with him for 6 years.
Alternatively, we rarely fucked (maybe once a week)so I was often eager (especially considering I was neglected the rest of the time). Though the only way he would have sex with me was by barely waking me up from my sleep, sticking it in for a minute or two until he bust, and then rolling off of me to go to bed. No touching me. No cuddling. Just what he wanted.
One time he stuck it in my ass without warming me up, and it hurt super bad so I moved away. He started crying and having a full blown "WHY ME?!" fit over it, stating that he could never get what he wanted. I tried to console him, offering blowjobs and vaginal, but it wasn't enough. He made me feel like shit.
When I left him, I returned to collect my things. He tried kissing me, but I stopped him. He continued to kiss me, and coerced me into sex with him. I don't think I ever told him yes. While I laid there I just started crying, though I did my best to hold back tears. I was being raped. I was raped. I don't know what to do with that. I feel like a don't even deserve to call it rape, even though I didn't want it and I told him no. He was my ex.
He also abused me physically and mentally on a daily basis, so I was terrified to try and act against his will further. Idk. Idk.

No. 58021

I'm >>55435 and thank you for replying to me. I want you to know that what happened was not your fault, that you should never feel like you don't deserve to call it rape. I've been there too with the disgusting "WHY ME?!" fits that my ex had too, our exes were not our responsibility. It's not our duty to excuse those other people for their actions, it's not your burden to forgive, you don't owe him anything and what he did was wrong. There is no right or wrong way for you to react to what's been done, so I can't tell you what to do with that but I sincerely urge you to reach out to a support service.
Obviously I'm still not ok myself, I'm really struggling with the mutual friend thing, but going to counselling through that service has helped a lot. It's given me tools to better deal with my feelings and there's more light at the end of the tunnel or something. Just having a irl person in a room or on the phone that I could say honestly say "I was raped" and "Do other women cry this much when they talk about it?" to really felt important in some way.

No. 58024

>It's not our duty to excuse those other people for their actions, it's not your burden to forgive, you don't owe him anything and what he did was wrong.
Thank you for saying this. I've been struggling with that a lot lately, especially since I've bit a bit of an asshole recently. I've been drinking too much, and texted him a few times calling him out for his abuse. I got rude towards the end though, and just insulted him (ex. I asked him if he even knew what it felt like to have arm hair; told him he looked like fucking turtle and that I hated him; etc.). I'm not that type of person, but I had so much fury inside of me that built up over 6 years of abuse. Being thousands of miles away and hiding behind texting, I was finally able to say whatever I wanted to without fear of being hurt physically or screamed at or gas lighted or blamed. It felt good, though I've been feeling guilty now. I've since blocked him to stop myself from being nasty, since my texts are now more petty than honest venting of everything he did to cause me pain.
My current bf insists that it's there's no need to apologize, as my ex was terrible to me constantly. I still feel guilty for being negative instead of being a shining light of positivity and kindness through all burden like I usually am.

If it's not too much to ask, what do you think of me being petty toward my ex? Did I deserve that sort of relief, or was it something I should regret?

Again, Thank you so much for that line, and thank you for being a friend to me on the internet. I've been feeling so lonely and scared today. Your response means a lot.

No. 58025

I'm >>58024

and I just wanted to add that those fucking "WHY ME?!" fits are so fucking stupid and annoying. Like he'd literally throw a pity party, wailing "WHY ME, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!" and crying any time anything went wrong.
God forbid I mentioned that I, a person with depression and anxiety that moved away from everything she's ever known to be with her bf at the time (only to be abused), mention that I was sad. Even saying that I felt bad would cause him to tell ME that I was throwing a pity party! WHAT A DICK! And if him "helping" me (picking at me jokingly) when I was sad didn't cheer me up, he would get angry at me for not feeling better. I hate him so much.

No. 58036

I remember squeezing my dad's balls and how mad he got at me. Sometimes I wonder if there ever was some sort of sexual abuse. I know I was still a virgin on my teenage years, and I remember sticking a finger up my ass when I was 7 and it hurt a lot so it couldn't have included penetration. I really don't know what to think.

Sorry for posting about maybe-abuse on abuse thread

No. 58044

Thank you so much, again. I too worry about fixating. I think about why I hate him every day. It's usually because my current BF is kind to me, which reminds about how much a piece of shit my ex is. I want to stop, because I always share my thoughts with my BF and I'm sure it gets annoying to hear about my ex every day.
I hope we can both feel better soon. Love and light to you, anon.

No. 58054

how in your mind is this even in the definition of sexual abuse.

i can't stand cunts who are like "lollll well i knew too much about sex at a young age so i must have been abused", like no, some kids are just always interested in genitalia because it's taboo, or maybe they once saw an ad or movie that was too graphic for them at their age but they don't remember it.

No. 58055

samefag here, he probably got upset because it hurt and because it's weird for his child to be touching that area of him. Did he hit you, even?

No. 58069

did you only squeeze the skin of the sack or the ball itself? because squeezing the ball itself hurts like hell (as i was told) so this is probably why he was mad.

No. 58070

Im not gonna tell you it happened for sure because the hell I know. But from all Ive read it absolutely sounds like it. The fucking barbies thing? Had that to. And this obsession about sex as a child, like an urge to bring it out by playing while not even remembering it back then.

Even the doubt you now have. It's nearly text book.

About "liking the attention"… that's so common for survivors of sexual abuse. It's absolutely normal for a child to like attention and to thrive towards it. It's even worse for emotionally neglected children and makes them an easy target for pedophiles (and some even cater to that). You didnt know what he was doing. Even liking the attention, doesnt mean it's your fault or that you in any way are to be accounted for it. He was the adult.

No. 58134

Was not molested/raped, but right around the time I was 16-18 my aunt's husband repeatedly took me out "so we're not bored"(was homeschooled at the time), constantly made violent threats against boys hitting on me and comments about how cute/revealing my clothes are, and after I turned 18, cornered me late at night and tried to come onto me. It really bothers me that he's been like that but probably even moreso that my aunt doesn't seem to want to confront the fact that he was like that. After he "came clean" by telling her he had hit on me she forced herself even deeper into interactions with me, even calling him to tell him how much she loves him in front of me three days after him trying to make a pass. It's crazy stressful and makes me feel so awful, sometimes she'll freak out if I make her mad, saying she's going to get a divorce and basically putting the blame on me.

At this point I'm just at a loss, it's such a gross situation and while I don't mean to equate this with some of the other stuff in the thread, it's something thats still really bugs me. I already have unhealthy relationships with men in my life and it's just… frustrating and stressful to deal with all of that.

No. 58143


I think you're reaching a point where you notice the "adults" in your life are not acting like sane adults. It sucks, but its good to pick up on these behaviors before it takes a huge emotional toll on you. Especially, when its not your doing.

If it were me I would have called your aunt out on her petty bullshit. You're the cause of her potential divorce? lol nah, thats all on her and her shitty husband. Don't let shitty people manipulate you because of their shitty emotions. Time to learn some boundary setting. I'd recommend low contact for now.

No. 58144

Whatever you do, don't let it slide.
Don't be weak or afraid of whatever, please, for fuck sake.

Do never let yourself be a human carpet.

No. 58150

I guess yeah. It's a lot to come to terms with so much obvious uncomfortable interactions in such a short time.

I attempted to tell her to stop contacting me because I was uncomfortable with her forcing me into interactions(she calls/texts me every single day and usually asks me to come over to her house most weekends now) and she threw a fit, saying stuff like "if you hate me just tell me", and that my mother and I should move out of the house we share with other family members so she can move back in and not have to deal with us. My mother has also been hit on by her husband so I guess it makes sense to include her in being forced out of the house(and by extension, family)? I don't even know what she's doing anymore.

No. 58153


No, haven't really made any progress. Just reoccurring nightmares.


I kind of realize this now but.. I just don't know. I kinda just want to continue thinking this never happened to me

No. 58154


Why'd you do that to him? He was probably mad because it hurt.

No. 58464

I'm in the same boat as you, and it's very hard for me to be sexual with my husband unless I drink or get high first so I can be relaxed enough, otherwise even if I initiate the sex and I enjoy it there ALWAYS comes a point where I just start panicking and sobbing and just, have a huge panic attack. He's understanding and he knows what happened to me but it's still so embarrassing and I can't stand it.

Also, does anyone else here who is a CSA victim experience other mental health problems as an adult because of it? For example I know my disassociation began when my CSA began, and I feel like there are other people living in my head. One of them is the physical embodiment of what I was conditioned to be as a child. It was (at first) """otaku"" lolicon men who did it to me and wanted me to be a loli/little sister when I was 9-10. So I have a personality I feel like just appears in my body without warning that is that like, lolicon otaku girl and I start binding my chest and just. Phasing back into it even though I'm 21 now. Another thing is I feel like its impossible for me to grow up now. My room is so childish, I collect toys that remind me of when I was a child before I was molested/raped, disney princess/power puff girls stuff. Actually its specifically from when I was 5-6, before sexual abuse but I was being beaten and verbally abused at that age. Anyway, I'm extremely dependent and childish and I feel like I'm clinging to my childhood and trying to relive it and I feel like I can't stop. My husband doesn't mind this at all and enjoys taking care of me, but I know some of my family members think I need to stop liking childish things, idk I'm just rambling. I want to be a child forever, but a happy child who is not being beaten or raped.

No. 58469

it gets hard to explain because it gets confused with dissociative identity disorder a lot, which you do not seem to have, because for that you would have to need chronic amnesia about days months and years in your life to happen as a major factor.

what you describe is in some sense a milder version of it. like every healthy personality is consisting of many, many aspects of personality. like you can be a housewife and at the same time a sensitive woman, at the same time you have a job that takes different requirements on you, and so on. also every person has something called the "inner child", as in the person you were as a child.

people that experienced trauma in childhood usually have dissociated the aspects of personality which is what you describe. it's also called traumatized identity, of course it's worse when the trauma is occuring in childhood because the identity hasnt even developed fully.

People with a consistent personality are aware that they take different roles e.g. at work and at home. A person with dissociative identity disorder would switch between those states and then only remember being at home, not remembering the prior hours at all. A person with traumatized identity can be confused about who they really are, they can suffer from depersonalisation where they feel strange about how they handle situations and such, but they do always remember. Simply put together thats the difference.

I have that too. My father was very authoritarian and verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. When authority figures are strict with me or other people take up an authoritarian tone, I immediately and automatically switch to being very obedient. It's especially weird since beside that reaction Im rebellious and predominant and such.

you can read a little about traumatizide identity here:

If possible you can look for professional counselling in sense of psychotherapy.

No. 65776

I was molested by my stepfather starting around the ages of 10 or 11, idr really; it's been going on even to my early-mid 20's. I don't really want to talk about how exactly bad I had it without being constantly triggered all day for writing this, like I'm getting as of right now so I'll just write this first segment as short as possible. All I can really say for the moment is that I wasn't raped (though there were at least one or two attempts, I'm not sure since I mostly try to block it) but there were things I didn't want to see, hear or even feel as a kid. And every time that happened I scream or cry until he gets annoyed and leaves me alone.

Many, many years later I decided to break silence to my therapists as of late last year because I couldn't handle the influx of occurring flashbacks from other (physical and mostly emotional/mental) abuse caused by both parents and got (properly) diagnosed with major depression and PTSD with psychosis afterwards.(I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before)

One time I told my psychiatrist that my stepdad was trying to grab/harrass me again and after about a week without my knowledge, he and my previous therapist decided to call (and inform me about) APS/CPS and reported what was going on mostly because there was a 3-year old (my nephew) involved in the hellhole I still call home.

The reason why my nephew was involved was because I confided about my brother's illegal drug and alcohol abuse and how he's constantly abusing his girlfriend, along with how my stepdad is physically and emotionally abusive toward my mother whenever he gets drunk. I thought these people were gonna keep this shit confidential but I guess not, and by that time it was completely out of my hands.

All nine immediate family members plus gf were interviewed…

A few months went by and I denied any allegations (the molestation) thrown at me for the sake of the rest of my family not hating me for ratting them out like that. I couldn't bare the thought of them disowning me for what I've done so I stfu. However, I have a strong feeling my mom knows about my stepdad molesting me; probably knew for awhile and I think during the interviews pretty much confirmed it. Nowadays she stands as a stronger barrier between us (me and that asshole I'm still forced to call "dad").

After everything cooled off he still continues to harass me, I try to avoid him like the plague or give him dagger-eyes to make him leave me alone or pretty much just ignore his very existence but that can be hard sometimes because we're all living in the same house. The man made/makes my life a living hell just because I'm not his biological daughter (my mom married him three years after I was born) and I sometimes believe he's the devil in disguise. I'd tell my shrinks he's still continue to make advances towards me but am afraid another "crisis" will come of this again and I don't think I can handle it one more time.

Because what had occurred in the past, I have a hard time trusting men without feeling paranoid of being taken advantage of due to being deemed "weak" (especially older men whom obviously had ulterior motives disguised as friendship) unless I'm in a safe area of wherever with both genders involved and am repulsed by the idea of sex even though I'm straight/cis.

As long as I'm still living with them, I'll be constantly on my guard like I always have been until I hopefully/finally transfer to uni. For now, I'll just have to continue with my routine of school and work (if I land a job); just living my own life which helps.

>inbe4 why are you still living with your parents?

With this economy, and having to wait a year for an apartment in the blind (and if you're just disabled) community, I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Sure, I could go to one of the women's shelters but…it's just complicated.

No. 65777


>When authority figures are strict with me or other people take up an authoritarian tone, I immediately and automatically switch to being very obedient. It's especially weird since beside that reaction Im rebellious and predominant and such.

I am the same way as well, especially in a job or school setting. I'm usually independent in other areas but am forced to obay and rely on others because "they know best" or else. This is something I really want to change, especially because I plan to go into law.

No. 65872

I was raped multiple times in high school.
In a way I'm almost thankful though that I was intoxicated each time because I couldn't really feel it, not sure if that sounds bad or not, but it's how it is.
What's almost even weirder to me though, is that it honestly didn't affect me until about a year after the last occurrence. & even then, I never really felt any feelings of guilt, sadness, or shame. Just pure fucking rage. It's shocking how many people called me a liar, said I was a whore and deserved it. I always knew people were cruel but not to that extent. Worst thing is, the last occurrence was a gang bang & there's apparently a video of it floating around somewhere, but the cops who came to my school did nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. The worst that happened was one of the kids involved got suspended for like a week even though he had made a derogatory comment towards me concerning the event. I was really violent towards his girlfriend, I realize that probably wasn't the best/most mature thing I could've done at the time, but I was just so hurt. And more people were angry at me for calling them out on their bullshit than they were at them for literally raping me.
I'm doing okay now & I'm not asking for sympathy or anything. Just wanted to share my story because I think it's important to recognize that there's no 1 specific way for victims to feel after going through such a traumatic experience. My heart goes out to all other survivors, especially the ones who've yet to find peace.

No. 67922

Does anyone have experience writing letters to an abuser?
Everyone is telling me it's a bad idea because I can't control and will never even know how he responds to it, but I want to tell that fucker how badly he hurt me without having to be scared of him anymore.

No. 68106

Just my 2 cents anon but I was watching a documentary on YouTube about sexual abusers who prey on children. The woman in it had said that some of them, if reminded, will actually enjoy the memory. Some of these abusers will have no remorse and if sadistic enough, they will not care about your feelings or anything about you, they will not care that they hurt you. They will instead take pleasure in the pain they gave you. So this is your call.

No. 68109

I'd say do it. Write it once then take a breather and re-read to be sure you've said what you wanted to how you wanted to. It can be very therapeutic. Make sure they cannot reply though. Why would you really want to hear back? Even writing a letter you don't intend to send can be helpful, whether it be to the person who abused you or to others who subsequently let you down. All the best anon

No. 68211

I've never fully talked about this but this seems like a decent place to get it all out. My uncle, by marriage, was a total creep and every time I went to spend the night he would grab my breasts and ass, make sexual comments to me, in the mornings he would jump into bed with my cousin and I, pretending to be funny about it, but he always had an erection that he would press against me, or he would hug me/pick me up while pressing his erection on me. Come to find out he was also raping my cousin. He ended his life when I was 16 because she turned him in, so all of this happened before that age, I'd say around 12-15, when I stopped going around him.
At the time, I didn't know what to do about it and was too afraid to tell anyone so I just stopped going to their house to spend weekends with them, which I used to do all the time, those cousins were my best friends, and later, my little sister went to live with them. So long story short, it ruined my relationship with my sister and cousins because they always thought I was avoiding them and didn't want to be around them, I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what was really happening, even more so after finding out he was raping my cousin, because then I felt guilty that my situation wasn't as bad as hers.
I don't know what I am getting out of posting this here, I just need to get it out I guess. Sorry for any weird wording, I've had a few drinks, which I guess is what it took to get this out.

No. 68327

I was sexually molested by a family member when I was younger, I've kept it a huge secret for like so many years and told my mom about it like a few years ago.
But I couldn't bring myself to say who it was mostly because he was in a huge motor bike accident andI didn't want to ruin anything.
I recently saw him around Mother's Day with his girlfriend.
I feel like it impacted my life greatly because I felt like as I got older it would happen again and I packed on the pounds.
Like I wanted people to not find me attractive…..but now I'm in a good spot and relationship
But how do I move on from it myself so I can get into a better spot to better me

No. 68357

I got sexually molested by a female "friend" when I was young and I have a hard time befriending or getting too close to females now. This girl basically bullied me (she broke my finger once by slamming it into a door) but lived across the street in a small town, and my mom and her mom talked often, so I'd be stuck there with her when my parents were out. I was told she'd been watching porn and was trying to 'mimick' the acts. She'd make me take my underwear off and look at my crotch and she'd stick stuff in it randomly like toys or lipgloss tubes, then stretch my labia until I told her to stop, they're really long now and I always wonder if that had something to do with it. She'd get on top of me like the 'man' and stick her knee into my crotch and push down on it. It was always really embarrassing and painful and I didn't know what was going on. Her parents only found out about some of the stuff, because they found her on top of me, clothed, in a weird position. After this happened my mom forbid me from seeing her and we moved shortly after. I never told her exactly what happened but she asked if she did other stuff and I said yes. I have a hard time with toys now too because of the weird penetration that happened. I've grown to be disgusted by porn, and most sexual things that aren't just plain sex with my boyfriend, which took almost a year for me to be okay with. The last thing I remember about her was seeing her when my grade school and her middle school had an event together, then I never saw her again.

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