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No. 48533

Please feel free to vent or ask for advice in this thread pertaining to sexual abuse or harassment, etc

I'm looking for advice on how to build a healthy sexual relationship with my partner after my bad past. We've been married two years and he's fantastic. But my libido is very low and I have a feeling it might be tied to poor sexual relationships I'd had before. Starting at 8 years old and then on out. I'm not really bothered by the past but I think my mind is instantly associating sex with bad times, which shouldn't be the case since my husband is lovely. But my brain instantly is telling me that I dont want to do this or that its just a hassle. Often times when we begin fooling around I get stomach aches that will go away basically instantly when we stop, like he can tell I'm not in the mood so we wont continue. I never thought much of it, I always thought it was just something I ate. But today I figured out maybe it could be anxiety related.

I just want to be able to have a normal sex life with him where we can fool around and have fun, but I feel so bad for having something -wrong- with me. If anons have any advice i'd love to hear. I'm too poor for a therapist and I've scoured the internet for advice as well

No. 48534

I posted in the vent thread about this. I don't know if my sexuality will ever heal.
I was molested by another girl my age at 14. I was correctively raped at 18, and ended up turning to drugs and selling my body to afford my drug habit and college expenses afterwards.
I can't look at nude male bodies (especially penises) without feeling sick to my stomach, bile rises in my throat. I'm a lesbian so this wouldn't be a huge problem except I'm in art school.
I'm actually not sure I could let anyone else's hands on my body after this, whenever someone hugs me around the waist instead of the upper back, I feel panicky and out of control. I doubt I could let anyones hands near my vulva.
I desire sex but I guess at this point trauma will keep me celibate

No. 48535

>selling my body to afford my drug habit

I'm sorry to hear that anon. That's the sort of trauma that's incredibly difficult to get over and it makes it even more difficult to get into proper loving relationships since men and women run a mile from those sorts of revelations unfortunately.

I hope you get better.
Are your parents there for you?

No. 48536

My parents don't know about my rape, or my previous drug habit (I've been sober for about 6 months now) or me selling my body. My mom sort of knows about the other girl molesting me, she's aware something bad and traumatizing happened with her but doesn't know exactly what. She hasn't told my dad as far as I know

No. 48537

I can't imagine how bad it has to get for you to sell yourself to strangers.

Were they at least safe?

No. 48538

Have you talked about this with him?

No. 48797

The thing that you have said which stands out most is that you feel bad for having something wrong with you. You're not alone in feeling like that, but there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, there is nothing wrong with you. There is no magical time limit when you should 'get over it' or be 'cured'. Feelings are feelings, and yours are valid. This applies to the other anon too.
If your partner loves and understands you then he will feel the same. You aren't 'being a hassle' or something like that, it is something which is important to both of you, not something for you to deal with alone. Talking to him about it is really important, but you should set the goals on how much you are willing to explain.

I know you can't afford a therapist but have you looked for local support centres? These centres aren't just for woman who have just been attacked this week, they are also for long term support and they can sometimes even offer email support. I know you have already looked online for advice but many centres also put writing online, such as this page which mentions both flashbacks and childhood abuse, which can be reassuring to read. http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/help-information/information-about-sexual-violence/coping-after-sexual-violence/

No. 48798

Back in middle school this boy would do shit like rub my ass and touch my breasts behind the teacher's back. The teacher never knew and I was too quiet and awkward to actually say anything. One day I finally hit the shit out of him and when the teacher found out he asked why I hit him. I told him why and he just said "well i figured he was messing with you." and did nothing. I never told anyone else cause I assumed that was going to be reaction and considering he was only a year or two older than me I thought maybe it didn't matter. I thought "hahaha maybe he just has teenage hormones" and left it at that. That incident has always made it sort of uncomfortable for me to do a lot of physical contact and it's made me pretty scared of doctor visits where I would have to remove clothing to get and issue looked at if need be.

At my old job the last manager that I know of being there was forever sexually harassing every single girl he could find. I'm no longer there and it never escalated any further than harassment but sometimes I worry something more may happen to someone who's more unfortunate than I was with the dude. At most the company just moves him locations all the time when he gets reported. I don't know what's wrong with the company policies if that's the case but I refuse to go back.

No. 48799

Wow half of the people posting havent even been molested

No. 48800


Thank you anons for the help. I have talked to him a bit about it. That I think that its affecting our current sexual relationship and that its something I would like to work on. He's really understanding and doesnt pressure me to do things I dont want. But I still feel bad since I want this to be a good experience we can share together. I'll look into help groups, they seem like a good idea.

No. 48801

>A boy my age touched me in middle school, I didn't say no or anything so he just kept doing it!
>It was so traumatizing, I have to act like the rape victims I've seen in movies and TV now.

No. 48802

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No. 48803

Thank you for this thread, I've been wanting to post something about this but wasn't ever sure if I could or what the right thread would be. I'll post when I'm not on mobile in the middle of the night but I just really wanted to say thanks.

No. 48804

Well that is a fair assumption so I'll give you that. I probably should've been clearer. When I meant I didn't say anything I meant I didn't say anything to the teacher. I told the boy to stop his shit several times till I got so pissed I ended up fighting back. It's not really what I would call traumatizing but it has made me more weary of people I don't know very well so doctors and strangers and anyone outside of close friends are kinda sketchy and I'm never sure how close I should let them get.

No. 48805

Not all of them used condoms. I thankfully never got pregnant or any STDs. I'm not sure what where to look to resources regarding surviving prostitution because my case is atypical in the sense that i didn't have a pimp

No. 48806

I'm currently in a healthy relationship with a person I love, but my PTSD from being sexually assaulted when I was 18 has been interfering with our romantic life. It's not too dissimilar from your situation, OP, minus the instant anxiety.

Sometimes when he's touching me it'll trigger an involuntary reaction where I recoil. When he tries to cuddle me and I'm sleeping, I react very violently. And yesterday, he didn't realize I wasn't kidding when I told him to stop touching me and I dissociated when he kept going. He understands that it's not because of him but it still clearly hurts his feelings and I really wish there were a way to force my muscle memory to be on the same page as my conscious mind. I'm over/at peace with what my ex did and I feel awful that it definitely doesn't come across that way to my boyfriend.

No. 48807

Just because you're a beta wizard that no one could hope to love doesn't mean her experience isn't something that hurts her.

No. 48808

This shit was many years ago, I was around 18-19 I believe. Me and a mate was hangin out on a rooftop, we were just chilling and drinking raw vodka and of course I pass out rather quickly. Everything just went black but one of the moments where I zoned back and basically the only moment that made me know he was in fact raping my half-unconscious body was that I heard him unzipping his pants and pushed his cock inside me. After that I'm gone for a while and I wake up talking to my crying father on the phone fresh out of the ambulance. I guess I was still out of it but I could hear noises n feel shit, like hospital cutting up my clothes checking if something's broken running tests etc. Somehow we ended up falling from the roof approx 3-4 stories, and to this day i have no Idea what really happened.

I didn't report it to the police since I know how the law works, alcohol was involved yada yada. My mother and school mentor wanted me to talk about it. But never felt I had to, or really wanted. I don't know, I've never wanted the whole "victim" role. Abused sure, but fuck it. He got damages that are unrepairable so that helped my sleep at night or whatever you say. I'm not sure if this had an impact on me as a person, it sure taught me never drink on a fucking rooftop again, but I want to believe that I was lucky enough not to be affected too much, it's probably back there in the emotional graveyard. But foremost I was lucky I didn't die that day.

No. 48809

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I spent most of my adolescence dealing with sexual assault and abuse from others, the two most notable times being when I got raped at the age of 17 and then getting into a highly sexually, and abusive relationship that latest two years where my ex wanted me to be submissive 24/7.

However, I'm now in a healthy relationship and while it has been a long road, I can give some simple advice to what has worked for me.

The first thing that helped was that I communicated with my partner. I told them upfront that I felt ashamed of myself sexually and how due to my sexual past, I fear I could have a traumatic breakdown during sex. Since then my partner has been attentive to my body language and if I suddenly stop or start looking uncomfortable, he'll stop and give me a moment to breathe.

Another thing that I found worked was to not see doing PIV as being the end goal during sex. My partner and I are usually satisfied if we do mutual masturbation, oral sex etc. instead of going all the way. Sex doesn't necessarily mean penetration. It also means just simply touching and slowly doing foreplay so that I for example, can start to feel comfortable with my own body because unfortunately with having an abusive sexual past, you need to feel safe and relaxed.

I hope this helps OP. I know it won't work for everyone as trauma is very subjective, but just remember that you're not alone <3

No. 48810

Thank you anon, hope you come back with your story. ♡


Dont worry about that bait anon. No one can really tell you how to feel and everyone is different with trauma. How you respond and feel is your own thing and is perfectly okay. Sorry your teachers in that situation were dinguses. I hate shit like that.

No. 48811

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OP here. I'm so sorry to hear about your current problems. It really sucks. I get what you mean when you say you're over your past and your ex. I'm in that situation as well where I dont need to cope with what happened anymore, I'm completely over it. I'm really struggling to find good resources for just how to deal with the post-stress of everything and continue a healthy relationship with a partner. Instead all I can find is "how to cope as an adult with child molestation!!" type things which isnt what I need.

No. 48812

Thanks for the input anon, I'm glad you are doing well with your current partner.

Its actually a bit weird since for me and my partner right now we very seldom have PIV sex. I went off birth control a couple years ago to see if it would help with my depression and then I ended up going on antidepressants/anxiety medication. I didnt want to mingle those with BC so I ended up just staying off it.
Most of the time we do just that, touching each other, oral, masturbation, etc. If we do have PIV sex we always use condoms since we both don't want children.
Recently though we were doing a lot more kissing and just touching each others backs and such. I really enjoyed that and it got me more in the mood, so I might have to focus on that more. I get what you mean with the stress of thinking of PIV is the end goal though. For me my end goal is to make him finish. I guess because I just want the whole procedure to be over and done with.

This has given me some more to think about and discuss with my partner anon, thank you for the response. ♡

No. 48813

I'm the anon from the first post, I told my mom about the corrective rape and she's basically forcing me to report it and I really don't want to. I've been healing pretty well and I know opening a case is just going to re-open the wounds

No. 48814


If it's been a long time and you don't want to report it, I wouldn't.

I reported a rape that happened months before I reported, and even though the rapist initially confessed nothing ever came out of it except me reliving the whole thing in a very traumatic way.

What you SHOULD do though is get into therapy with someone, buy a self help book (trust me, they help ALOT plus it lets you heal at your own pace), and don't rush it.

If you want to cry, let yourself cry about it. I've gotten my life back in track since I got raped (over a few years ago) but even know some nights I feel the pain and I just sob to myself in the shower or something.

You are a strong woman and you can overcome this!

No. 48815

I was repeatedly molested by my older second cousin when I was 7. No one knows about this

No. 48816

Im like 90 percent sure my stepdad wanted to fuck me.

closest he got was picking me up, grabbin my boobs and trying to get me to kiss him though. a few years later he and my mom got divorced, never told anyone but my current bf tho.

No. 48817

I was raped by a guy my mom trusted. Only because he asked for permission to date me and was a religious guy. I told my mom I didn't wanna go but she insisted I go with him once and after that i could decide really if i didnt want to date him. making things short we didn't go to the movies and instead he took me to his parents home (no one was home they were actually at church)and proceeded to lock every door behind him thats when i became wary…from then on he undressed me… I tried fighting but i was weak i was 14 and scrawny. he tried vaginally raping me but somehow couldn't so he went the other way …..it was horrible. i yelled and cried and he just kept going pushing me down everytime i tried to get up .afterward he told me to shower so i did i was crying feeling so dirty and gross and he still walks into the shower forcing me to do more. after that he takes me home and gives me 20 $ i throw them back at him. angered and sad. I just wanna sleep and forget what happened. mom comes all happy and ask me how it went i feel compelled to yell and get mad i just silently stare at her and say not to well. she nods and leaves. a day later same guy wants to "take me out" i tell my mom absolutely not and that i don't even wanna see him and she agrees with me tells him to go and never come to this house again he leaves. that night he died in a car crash. I was so happy but everyone around me was sad and thought i cared. until i completely told my mom everything 4 yrs later. she hugged me and told me "i guess i was a bad judge of character I'm so sorry I made you do that" she was crying. and i told her it didn't matter after all he was gone. I still suffer some trauma probably more than i care to admit. but it pains me to see other girls rapists not getting punishment for what they did. I was lucky in that sense, but other girls sometimes have to see their rapist everyday and are told to just deal with it….and fuck thats what truly pisses me off. I think that if i wouldn't of ended up with someone who loved me . i would've become some killer prostitute murdering any guy who'd give me those " rapist vibes" ..(sorry if i didn't write coherently I'm just yeah)

No. 48818

well, that's some nice instant karma

No. 48819

Yeah. thing was i think he racked it up. i found out three years later from a close friend he did the same to her for much longer. and that's why she avoided a lot of guys. makes me wonder how many victims he had. all thanks to his "I'm the perfect old fashioned guy" personality ploy.

No. 48820

Are repressed memories real or bullshit?
I remember being really overtly sexual from a young age (like maybe 5 or 6), fantasising about fucking boys in my class. Was always really into violent porn and started watching a young age. I basically had the hormones of a teenager as a young child.
My parents had a lot of really sketchy drug friends, and theres a few family members i distinctly remember disliking for no reason and being frightened of them.
Also I'm bi, and way more afraid of women than men (i feel nervous and upset around them) so maybe it was a woman? (If anything actually happened, that is)
My mom was raped by her stepdad (who I've never met) repeatedly as a teenager so I'm afraid to ask her and just get shut down.

No. 48821

I don't really know if this counts, I don't actually feel like it does, I feel it's my own fault for being stupid as a teenager.

When I lost my virginity I did it with a guy I thought was nice and I kind of just wanted it do be 'over with and done'. This guy had previously had sex with at least 5 other girls, so I thought he would be gentle and nice. But nope, he pretty much just skipped foreplay, didn't even try to losen me up with his fingers, but went straight in, dry, and held me down while I cried and begged him to stop. The next few days I was bleeding and sore and I didn't want to have sex again for a very long time.

Even when I started dating again I always had a problem getting turned on and whenever I have sex I feel myself tense up which results in it hurting and ofc. I ended up in another abusive relationship where the guy would beat me up and my only way to get out of sex was to cry until he stopped trying to touch me. I think I should probably just have gone to therapy, but I'll never tell my parents about this 'cause it just makes me feel like I'm disappointing them by allowing myself to have been in that situation.

A lot of the stories here are a lot worse, I feel sorry for anyone who has been forced into sex.

No. 48822

If you clearly tell him to stop and he continues then that is called rape. It is not your fault.

No. 48823

I was first molested by my father when I was 10, lost my virginity to him when I was 11 when he raped me. He'd continue raping me on and off for years, until I was 15, which was when I taken out the house for unrelated reason. I really sympathize with you OP. I've been in a 3 year old relationship, we don't really do much more than kiss. When we try to have sex, I get really anxious. I get really hot, start sweating, my stomach feels sick and it feels like I'm going to throw up. I've been with this guy for a long time and I'm very much comfortable with him but sex is just ruined for me, it's something I can't enjoy because it's tied to a lot of bad memories and feelings. On a somewhat related note, I feel really guilty about what happened. I never reported what happened to me as I was scared. I sometimes wonder if what happened to me I deserved because I was too weak to say anything about it. Like, if I wasn't such a fucking coward, I could have avoided so much hurt, hurt I still feel today.

No. 48824

I was raped on holiday by one of the hotel staff. My stupid mother wanted to get rid of me so badly so she could call her deadbeat boyfriend without having to deal with me trying to make conversation.
In comes Ahmed and his 50 friends dragging some pissed white women around with them. The guy said that he will take me clubbing and my mother forced me to go with them under the ruse that she will be disappointed in me if I don't saying shit like 'just be normal for once'.
The worst thing is I knew this guy was up to no good but I repressed that feeling thinking it was just me not being 'normal' and that I should be happy that someone wants to hang out with me for once.
Well when heading out of the hotel the guy dragged me off while his friends distracted the other tourists and raped me repeatedly. I had never felt such emotional and physical pain in my life and had never been the same since. This was my first sexual experience. I had dreams of loosing my virginity to someone I trusted but that was gone so fast. I didn't tell my mother but I'm sure she knew. It is hard for me to get close to people and sexual contact freaks me out to the point where my boyfriend had to stop because I had an outright panic attack.

No. 48825


I'm in the same situation as you ,also with a mom who was abused by her stepdad.
Maybe its because we were really young when we discovered the abuse ? I think thats my reason..

No. 48826

>buy a self help book

Would you have any recommendations, anon? I've suffered some sexual trauma from a past relationship and I've been afraid of relationships and intimacy ever since. It would be nice to find a book that addresses some of these issues and talks about how I can heal from them.

No. 48827

Your story really doesn't sound credible. Your mother knew you were raped by what sounds to be a migrant hotel worker and doesn't care? "Forced" you to go clubbing with a foreign stranger?

No. 48828

Yeah Ahmed raping someone is totally unbelievable. Literally never happened before.

No. 48829


Not her, but because it has a muslim in it, we have to believe in the story?

No. 48830

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No. 48831

A girl probably 3 or 4 years older than me forced me to lick her pussy when I was 5 lmao
We were roleplaying as a married couple and I was the husband and one thing led to another, I think her dad noticed something was wrong since the lights were off and she was probably moaning, so he obviously caught us.

Not really sure if that counts as rape, but it left me really confused for several months.

I tried to met and play with her again (we lived in the same building) but she ignored me several times and I just gave up.

No. 48832

Holy shit anon, same. I was 4 and had two friends that were older than me by about 3 years and they always wanted to play house where I'm the husband or the child. They always said the husband had to take care of the wife so they would have me lick their pussies. I didn't really get it but did anyways. They used to show me a lot of porn that their parents had too. When I played the child I had to hide in the closet while whichever one was the husband would go down on the other. Probably went on for a few months before my mom walked in on us playing and banned me from being friends with them again. Really fucking strange experience to have. Didn't exactly understand it for years.

No. 48833

she also used the exact same excuse, that's fucked up man.
Seems like in your case it was worse and repetitive, did it left you with any repercussions?

I remember that since then I became really sexually aware: I started having sexual fantasies with girls I saw on magazines and even with my own mother, also I started to masturbate at that age and so on. Like, it's not a bad thing but it kind off accelerate the natural process.

When I reached age 12 I had completely lost interest in the sexual matter and since then I get aroussed with a lot of difficulty if not at all, but before that age I must admit I masturbated furiously and watched porn regulary.
If I wasn't a weeb autist afraid of getting out of her room back then, I could have possible become a promiscuos kid and probably pregnant.

No. 48834

>it kind off accelerate the natural process.

I'd say that's the biggest side effect that happened. That and being really confused and guilt ridden for actually feeling sexual and masturbating. Back then I would furiously pray for forgiveness and also had a hard time getting really close with female friends. Other BFF's would hold hands or hug each other and I would shrink away, basically not wanting any other female to touch me. At the same time I felt hypersexual and really wanted to have sex. Luckily, I was a fat kid so none of the boys were interested in me. Probably saved me from being promiscuous and pregnant lol. :(

No. 48835

It's entirely believable she just had a shitty mother and hotel staff raped her.

You think the average Abdul in a place like north Africa respects western women? Lol.

No. 48836

I think the difference between 'shitty mother' and 'mother makes you go clubbing with foreign strangers unsupervised at night' is quite large, don't you think? I'm not saying she's lying, I'm just agreeing with the other poster that it does just seem a little far fetched.

No. 48837

I can't speak about this with anyone IRL so I'm hoping you guys might be able to give some input cuz this whole scenario is fucking me up really badly

Basically, a week ago I was referred to an ED clinic by my GP and I had to have a psychological assessment. Everything was OK, asked me a lot of questions about my past, about my life now, but then they asked me if I was ever sexually abused. I was honest (I never told anyone about this before) because I figured I'm attending them because I want my life to get better so I might as well be open/honest otherwise what's the point…? So I said yes, I was molested between the ages 4-6ish.
And it's turned into this huge thing. The doctor was like "oh well you know that by law I now have to report this?" and I was like um no, what the fuck?? I actually burst out crying right then and there. I didn't even know what to say. I thought it would be confidential. I don't want to go through this whole shit. So then my appointment became less about the ED issue and more like a 3 hour ordeal about reporting this thing (they didn't tell me this before they asked me this question!!!!).
I was kind of in shock so I didn't really reply or defy them much but basically they kind of told me I have to report it. Yesterday I got a call from a social worker asking me details, saying this is going to be investigated, saying I will get a letter to give a statement because they want to meet with me… I never even fucking said I wanted to report this!! Not ONCE was I asked what I wanted.
The anxiety this whole situation has given me is unbelievable. I don't want to relive this shit. The whole time they all tried to guilt me by saying "they could be still doing this/you have to help other kids" and yes of course I feel bad about that but the entire reason I came to you guys is because I've hit rock bottom, I am not in a good place right now, this is the absolute last thing I need to deal with! I spent the rest of the day and the day after literally just lying in bed crippled with anxiety, it was so bad I couldn't even go to work that day.
Honestly I don't really know what to think of this whole situation. It just feels unfair to push this issue on me without even considering how I would feel about it? But if I think like that then I feel like total shit because now I feel if I don't report it now I'm an awful human being. I dunno, I'm 24 now and spent a lot of time trying to put that issue behind me (which to be honest isn't even what I feel is even really troubling me!). I don't know how to proceed from here. What should I do? I feel sick even thinking about it.

No. 48838

Wtf? Where are you from, Anon? It's really fishy, tbh. It would have been normal to report it if you would have been a minor, but knowing that you're not, it seems really unethical for them to breach confidentiality against your will. I don't think you should go back there. Therapy is about trust and they tried to guilt you on your fucking first appointment. Take care of yourself. If you're not ready to disclose/talk more about it, just find yourself a new shrink. This is not normal.
If they contact you again, tell that you told that in confidentiality and that the shrink disclosed without your consent. Depending on where you live it could be a big fault on his part. You don't have to go through this now and it isn't fair of them to force you to.

No. 49025

Adding this for you http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug02
What this shrink did was clearly not in your best interest (barring the fact there is a mandatory report on child molestation in your area (be that would be weird, seeing that's it's so long after the fact and you're probably not in immediate danger anymore))

Now is time to take care of yourself. Watch a movie, treat yourself with something, see friends. You didn't deserve that and I'm truly sorry it happened.

No. 49026

Thanks so much for the reply, I appreciate it so much.
I'm from Ireland. Looking back I'm thinking why the hell I didn't say something, even "don't you need my consent?" but I guess it was so emotional/I was in shock I didn't really know what to say.
I think it only really hit me today something was up. When I got the phone call, the woman said "I'll tell them you're undecided" (referring to the people I have to meet) and then I thought "huh? I get to decide?".
The psych said to me "look I'm sorry but if I don't report this, I could lose my job" so I thought it was mandatory (and again no one asked me my opinion on this issue…).
Thanks so much for the link, I appreciate it.

No. 49299

I fucked up my link earlier : http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug02/ethics.aspx

From what I'm reading, it seems that there maybe is some form of mandatory reporting of sexual abuse on minor (https://deshocks.com/2013/04/23/speak-no-evil-how-victims-of-sexual-abuse-are-treated-once-they-report/), but still, I think he mishandled it since you're not a minor anymore.
It's a shitty system and it seems your shrink handled it in an even shittier way.
I'm eurofag myself and I know how psychiatry is behind here (and I'm guessing heavy catholicism in Ireland makes it even worse). I hope you'll feel better. Don't give up on getting help, it sometimes takes time to find the right shrink.

No. 49300

Yeah tbh I'd understand if it was even recent or something but it's 2 decades old at this point! Why was this handled this way? Just makes no sense.
I worked up the courage to talk to my bf about this and he's actually advising I go to a solicitor or lawyer because the psych broke a confidentiality agreement. He didn't inform me before we started that he would have to report stuff, he literally told me nothing. He was also supposed to ask if I had health insurance before we started (he didn't, and when he realised I don't (he advised me for inpatient but you basically can't afford that with no health insurance) he himself admitted he was supposed to ask me that straight away). So he didn't even inform me about any of that.
Ngl, I'm considering it because this whole situation has caused me emotional grief. I dunno, would I even have a case?
The more I think about what happened the angrier I'm getting that these psychs didn't give a fuck about my mental state or how it would affect me. I was really optimistic before this and looking forward to getting my life together but since this appointment all I've felt is constant anxiety, stress and depression. It fucking sucks man.
Thanks for the advice. This whole thing has kind of made me weary of mental health services (I've never availed of any mental health help in my life before this) but you're right… I should try another, maybe I just had bad luck.

No. 49301

I understand your anger, anon. I was myself mistreated by the system (thrown in solitary for a day for no good reason and without any explication during a panic attack because a shrink decided out of nowhere that I was a danger to myself - it was pretty traumatising).
I was angry and hurt for a long time after that, still have nightmares about hospitals.
I don't want to discourage you on taking legal action, but I can tell you that you will have little to no recourse. The system is pretty much rigged against you if you have a mental illness and go up againt a doctor.

But, yeah. Bad shrink happens, shitty things happens. But so do good people and progress. Just don't hesitate to try several doctors and opt-out the moment you're not feeling it. It's a long process, and there will probably be some hard moments on the way. But it's worth it, you deserve support and to feel better.

No. 49302

Not trying to make you feel worse, but the social worker is completely right. Your abuser could still be doing this to children, and that could ruin these children's lives. Think about how it's affected you. How you are feeling right now. You don't think a child could feel the same as you because of it? Don't you want to prevent anyone from feeling the way you do right now?

No. 49303

Is this a real reply lol.
If you're not baiting, that's not the point. I'm crippled with anxiety right now, I have a lot of issues going on which is why I attended in the first place. An investigation is the absolute last thing I need at this moment in time. It's not about the reporting, it's about the fact they disregarded my mental wellbeing totally to report a 20 year old crime I didn't even agree to pursue, nor did they even warn me before they asked the question they'd potentially have to report stuff.
Maybe if they asked me down the line or something but this was just inappropriate at this moment in time.
That was already the moral dilemma I was originally facing; have a potential breakdown over this shit or feel like a sack of shit for not doing anything. Honestly even saying that just makes me feel x10 worse.


Oh man that sucks, I'm so sorry that happened. Hope you're doing ok nowadays.
Yeah probably, I'm just so upset right now. It feels so wrong. If he had gone about it the proper channels maybe I would have agreed but it's spooked me so much I feel like I'm probably just not going to give a statement (which again makes me feel like shit but the psych opened some really old wounds and left me to deal with them while also making the situation so much worse than before, my anxiety is through the roof rn). I'll take your advice and try a different one if I get the courage to try again.

No. 49304

Of course it's a real reply. I've read everything that you wrote.
Anon, please do the right thing. Someone who abused you as a child is out there right now, and can very well be abusing other children. Do you honestly not care? Have you considered the fact that by you coming forward about it, there may be other people who feel that they have the courage to also come forward?

No. 49305

Honestly, I dunno if this is even sexual abuse. Mine seems to be pretty different than a lot of people's here. Basically when I was about 13, my friend (I did it to her too, we were dumb shits back then) posted my phone number somewhere, honestly it was so long ago I don't remember where. A 30 year old guy contacted me, I didn't think twice about it because well, I was stupid. Anyways, he initiated a relationship with me, and basically started emotionally abusing me. He lived in my state too, but we'll get to that in a bit. I don't want to say forced, because you know how things are with emotional abuse victims "Why didn't you just make him stop?" "Why didn't you just leave??", but he "forced" me to take inappropriate pictures of myself (basically nudes), and I became I guess I little loli cam whore for him and all his friends (all of whom were 30+). I think even a picture of my breasts ended up somewhere on 4chan, I remember he was angry about it, guess he wanted me to be his property. I did unspeakable things (its actually disgusting, I don't want to talk about it) because they said so.
Despite being a dumb thirteen year old, I was struggling a lot with having a purpose in life, so at the time my purpose was doing everything he said, everything and anything. I felt like I couldn't get any better, depression stuff that I've had since forever, etc. Eventually I woke up and realized he was a piece of shit, so I left him. He threatened to have his friends rape me and my sister, threatened to kill me (he was in the military or something, the navy I think it was) if I left. Now you might be saying "Oh whatever, empty threat." But this guy had literal mental problems. I remember him describing to me how he raped a girl while he was in the navy, drove 3 people to kill themselves, "accidentally" set fire to a building, had no issues with rape or murder, and that he always had something "wrong" with him (even when he said these things to me, I didn't leave him cause apparently I had a weird thing for actually insane people, I dunno.)
I still left, but was terrified about what could happen to me. Last thing I said to him then was a threat of legal action if I ever saw him in my town. 2-3 years later, I'm like 15, my dumb ass goes back to him because depression, but after not even 5 months I left him again because he didn't help at all, and I was scared of him. He didn't act exactly how he once did but he still to some degree, emotionally abused me. Been in and out of therapy, depression isn't anything new so I don't think what happened is why I was diagnosed. Haven't spoken to him in forever, never ever will, but the fool probably didn't care about me. He had a good paying job and had basically all he could have ever wanted, as well as apparently other "slaves", he called them.
All in all, now I don't trust people and feel like a fucking whore for letting someone see every little part of myself when I was a preteen just because they ordered me too. I fucking hate emotional abuse, its like people don't even think its a legit thing, I've started to believe it too. Anyways, maybe that relates to this? Sorry if I seem too laid back about it but honestly I'm just glad he's gone, all of those men are gone, and that I'm safe now. Parents never knew about it surprisingly, that or they did and just never said anything to me.
Sorry if anything I said in here doesn't count or whatever.

No. 49306

You should see a therapist, honestly. That wasn't your fault, and you need extra help to really get past it. I doubt your parents knew and ignored it.

No. 49307

Well that's the thing. I have been to a therapist, 3 times, three different ones, since then. But here I am, feeling like shit still. Sometimes I doubt that therapy actually helps, or maybe it just can't help people like me. I feel like all hope of getting better is just out the fucking window at this point. I wouldn't wish the kind of life on my worst enemy.

No. 49308

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just remembered this sudden shock that's still got me reeling. apparently, i was sexually assaulted by the love of my life all through high school. it is very obvious looking back on it but when it was happening my reaction was pic related. it never dawned on me. now that my counselor has talked with me about that relationship i'm in denial. or was. i just want to die now, honestly. and she says that's why i have trust issues. now that i have accepted it and now know what was going on, i'm so sad for my 14 year old self lol. my mom, she hated that guy, and for good reason. i don't even want to tell her because i know she'll try to destroy him, and i know she'll tell her boyfriend and he'll want to maim him, and she'll probably tell my father, and then it will be a big bloody mess.

i'm tearing up now because i wouldn't have these weird feelings towards guys and no trust in them whatsoever if it wasn't for him. small things they do or say can make me turn on them. i wouldn't be so lonely lol oh my goddd i just want to pummel him.

he forced the sex to happen. we weren't together over two weeks and he was trying to finger me in the gym. i shook my head against him and he paused but did it anyway. and it was painful. he would finger my ass randomly and it frightened me because i'd never know when it was coming. i let this happen up until 11th grade lol, it just never clicked. every time i would try to talk things out with him it would somehow go to sex. he would somehow end up forcing his fingers in my ass and i would be drained of all emotion. that's how losing my virginity to him was. i was trying to talk to him about our relationship and how sorry and wrong i was and he started fingering me in the fucking hallway, and then he said let's go to his truck. and i agreed, and while we were there, i thought it would be just us talking and maybe oral but when i looked over he was pantless and saying "it's now or never, let's do it right now." i was cautious because we were in the school parking lot in a truck. he wasn't even worrying about protection! i tried to find the condom i had but he kept repeating "it's now or never…well i'm gonna leave.." and i gave up searching for it and gave in. when he put it in, i was on top and i was telling him that it hurt horribly and i was smacking his shoulders and saying ow, and he fucking shoves it deeper. and that's when i think every emotion in me evaporated.

that was the biggest betrayal of my life, and i can't let it go.

No. 49309

I don't really know how to start this off but here goes my story.

I had a really fucked up childhood. At one point, my mom let her boyfriend rape me. This was a daily thing for years and she acted like it never happened. When I finally came out about it to get help a few years ago, she told everyone that I lied and that I am "just crazy". But she knows what happened. Goes without saying, but this resulted in me not receiving the help that I needed (after being diagnosed with PTSD and numerous other issues) and made my distant family shun me (I was already kind of a black sheep but after this they never took me seriously about neglect, abuse, and endangerment at home).

More recently I dated a guy that made me feel amazing emotionally and sexually. I really thought that he was the one but after being together for a while he cheated on me, dumped me, claimed that he used me for sex, and continued to sexually and verbally harass me.

Him and I have been broken up for a while now but this seriously tore me apart. It also brought me to the realization that I've been used. A lot, in both sexual and nonsexual ways. I can't help but feel like a toy.

I can't help for a while because I'm in a bad situation at home right now, but venting about it here honestly helps so much since I don't really have anyone else right now.

No. 49310

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I dont really know how to start this off to be honest.

It was in my stupid just started college/party every night phase and I made some pretty bad decisions. When I met this guy I thought he was the funniest most handsome guy I have ever met, and we hit it off really well. He would spend the weekends with me in my dorm looking up stupid youtube videos and drinking with me and I thought it was love because I was stupid at the time.

About a month into our ''relationship'' I go out with him to a party and he says that his mate (that i had just met that night) will let us crash at his place for the night because we were so far downtown and the coaches stop at like 2 in the morning so I thought that was sweet. We get there and have a couple of drinks and talk for a bit and then me and my guy went into the guest room and laid down to go to sleep. And I hate myself so much because I can remember being so happy with my head on his chest and everything and then the door opens and his friend comes in and strides right over to the bed and starts to take my pants off. At first I was laughing thinking it was like a joke but then my guy pins me down and starts helping him and I start to panic and kick out at whatever. To my horror this guy i had just met starts forcing his fingers inside me while this guy i thought i knew and trusted put me in a sleeper hold and I couldnt move. I remember saying 'no please no ' at least thirty or fourty times and looking into my guys face and just seeing nothing there.

At one point i remember thrashing and falling off of the bed then trying to run for the door to be grabbed by my hair and thrown to the floor by his friend. They both laughed and were like 'you say no a lot' and his friend ended up fucking me on the floor of his dirty ass apartment while i just laid there and hoped it would end. Its around this time my guy ''friend'' goes to leave the room and asks if he could have his K and pack of smokes now and his fat ugly pimply ass friend says yes and he leaves without even a backwards look at me.

I dont know how long it went on for but it felt like a lifetime.
When it was all done and he got off of me to go to the bathroom I didnt even wait to grab my pants or get my shoes or my purse - I just ran out of the door to the street wearing nothing but a t shirt and a sweater to cover my legs and ass. I remember running to the bus station with this strangers cum dripping down my legs and just feeling so small.

It was only later on when I was able to look back on the situation with some objectivity that I realised that I was essentially sold to a guy for a night for a pack of smokes, a couch to sleep on and a vial of K. It feels awful to know that my entire existence was only worth that much to this person I thought genuinely liked me.

Fast forward to 3 years later and Im living in an apartment with a man that treats me like a princess. I still wake up at night in cold sweats thinking about that night though. I hope eventually the pain goes away but I dont know if it ever will.

No. 49311

Glad life has improved for you, anon. Men like that are disgusting and weak. Hope their dicks fall off. Sorry you had to experience that.
Reading this thread is depressing. Can't trust anybody, na'days

No. 49312

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I don't talk about these because I always get the canned and obvious "You should have told someone" response which makes me feel 100x worse.

When I was 12 I was still going to a pediatrician because my mom couldn't afford anything better for my age. She wasn't in the room when I was getting a check-up and after all the usual shit he had me lay down on the table-bed thing (which was comically way too short for me).

He said he had to check on my development. He then proceeded to lift my shirt, feel me up, lift my pants, and feel in between my thighs. I was pressing them together in some combination of fear and shock, but completely confused as to what was going on. I still have a memory his voice uttering a sort of mumbled "You're developing quite nicely."

I said nothing to my mom, not just about that event but about anything. I was so caught off guard and confused by the whole thing and whether or not that was something he was supposed to do (again, 12, and mildly sheltered).

Sometime after that I became hyper-sexual and looking back I'm not sure if it was just hormones or if that event did have some effect. Years later when I actually dealt with it and realized it was wrong, I felt a ton of regret for not knowing or saying anything because it bothers me thinking he may have done that to others, but there was nothing I could do at that point.

I spent my teen years having very little regard for sexual safety, but due to my mom's crazy and micro-managing, most of that came out through online relationships, until I was an adult.

When I was 22, I was staying in a friend's apartment, provided by his school, but I wasn't allowed to be there and if I was found out, everyone could be kicked out. I decided to poke around Facebook to see what old childhood friends were up to and happened to find this kid who lived down the road from me for about 3 years before vanishing mysteriously.

We hit it off and since he still lived in the area and we were really close in those 3 years he was around (he was my first crush when I was 11). I got him to come out and visit. Given how close we were as kids, and how risky my current living situation was, I decided to move in with him, thinking I'd have more freedom.

Well, I fucking didn't. I also didn't consider how much someone could change in a decade. He was no longer the sweet, introverted nerd kid I knew, and was now a sociopathic douchebag with mountains of insecurity.

To him, if I was living there, I was his property, emphasis on "his". He was fine the first month, but after that he began using all forms of emotional manipulation, convincing me that my friends didn't actually care for me. Since he'd been around during my worst years of not fitting in during Middle School and all the bullying I faced, he knew how to get under my skin. Coupled with the fact that my mom was dead and I grew up without a dad and trying to reconnect only caused a fight and he cast me out just 2 months prior to living with this guy, I was gradually convinced that I didn't have anyone who really gave a shit.

I'm a tiny vagina, and he was fairly sizable, so sex hurt and was uncomfortable and I was also nearly asexual at that point due to lots of regrets about my history (especially since my mom died while I was running away from home being a ho). He didn't give a shit that I didn't want it. He got angry, repeatedly told me I "owed him" for living there (even though I was paying rent). I would try to shower and since the door had no lock, he'd walk in and start feeling me up, and eventually force himself on me. I told him repeatedly that I didn't want it, but did it anyway, and after he left I'd sit in a ball and cry. I started showing while he was at work and he'd come home and start antagonizing me, saying I smelled, claiming I was lying about showering.

At night he'd start groping me, holding tight if I tried to struggle, putting my hand down his pants and grasping onto my wrist so I couldn't pull away.I was low on sleep, and since I'm diagnosed with PTSD, I started having more and more bad flashback dreams. I told him about them and he gave me some bullshit quote about how as adults the monsters under our bed become monsters in our head.

About three months in I really didn't know… pretty much anything anymore. I don't really know how to describe it but I was pretty lost. I became incredibly suicidal because of how lost, alone, and hopeless he made me feel. I couldn't even leave the apartment because he refused to get me a key and made it clear after I went to an alumni event during the first month that he'd be 100% willing to lock me out, and considering I didn't have a cellphone at all, well…

He insisted I was a child, started controlling what I ate (by the lat month it was 1 small microwavable cup of Chef Boyarde ravioli) and threatened not to bring home food if I didn't give him sex. I was already pretty skinny, and now I was also incredibly tired.

Sometime in Nov I had a pregnancy scare. When I told him, he ignored me for 2 days, but I managed to borrow his phone and contact the mother of a friend who lived 20min away to come help me. We picked up tests but I insisted we stay out as long as possible because I didn't want to go home. Later that night, during dinner, I started having really, really bad stomach pains and was taken to the ER and put on morphine while they ran some blood tests. Turns out I wasn't pregnant, but my cycle was incredibly fucked up. Douchebag ignored texts and calls from my friend's mom saying I was in the hospital -until- she told him I wasn't pregnant. It was likely caused by the lack of proper nutrition and sleep, but I didn't say anything.

That night did give me a bit more bravery and broke me out of my slump, so I started standing up to the douche. There were LOUD verbal arguments back and forth. Hilariously, since he's 5in shorter than me, he'd actually fucking climb onto furniture just so he could look down on me.

With relief, the forced sex started happening less frequently, but the other abuse got worse (this was when the canned ravioli thing started). I tried to get out via registered for medical assistance and getting a therapist, but they needed a statement from him saying I was living there but independent. He flat out refused to do this, stating that I wasn't independent because I was a child just because I had never been employed or gone to college (my mom died in my senior year of HS, I was a fucking vagrant. In any case this shitstain was a dropout who worked as Gamestop.)

I spent New Years with a friend who came down from an hour away, but lo and behold I wasn't fucking allowed back in, so I went to the house of that other friend whose mom helped me out before, and stayed 2 nights until I was let back in.

For the next few weeks, fights were more frequent and louder. I evolved from "child" to "crazy bitch" apparently. One night after another fight with him going above and beyond to de-legitimize the abuse and loss I'd experienced in my teen years, claiming that my mom's death was my fault because I ran away. He started asking for sex again, I refused, he surprisingly gave up and fell asleep, or so I thought. I went to sleep a couple hours later, only to wake up to him yanking down the back of my pants and trying to force himself into the "wrong hole". I immediately jumped, knocking him out of me and off balance, turned, and slammed his head against a wall hard. That was the first time I saw this kid with a look of fear on his face rather than arrogance.

Less than a week later, we get in another argument, and I ask for his phone to leave. He denies me, and goes in his room with the door shut. I kick it in at the knob, splitting the wood a bit. I try to take his phone and get help from my friend's mom again. He tries to wrestle it from me, I win and run around the apartment texting a "Come get me. Help. Serious." or something like that. I got a reply and threw his phone back at him. He was coming after me, fists clenched (he'd never punched me before or anything), but I had this massive rush of adrenaline and kept running around, shouting that he couldn't do jack shit to me because someone was on their way and if he tried, they'd know and call the cops on his ass.

He gave up and returned to his room, slammed the door.

That friend's family was moving out in a month so they'd previously said they couldn't help when I asked during New Years, but now they knew how serious it was and were willing to keep me temporarily. I had to leave a bunch of stuff behind and doucher's place because I was in such a rush to get out.

I spent the next few months repressing everything and trying to forget, I didn't wan to acknowledge anything that happened, so I found a ton of distractions (drinking heavily whenever memories came back up). It took 4 years to even begin to process it and it wasn't until then I actually ran it through my head that every instance of what he did was rape. Like, even now I get this feeling in my chest when writing that word because it bothers me to associate that word with what he did, but that's what it is.

Last winter was when I first started to actually try and deal with it, but it was rough. I did a shit ton of drinking (housemate was a liquor clerk), and would walk down the traintracks behind my condo sometimes when either sober or only mildly tipsy considering throwing myself on them, but the only thing holding me back was stories of people throwing themselves in front of cars and trains and how horrifying it was for people who had to deal with it. It wasn't just the rape, but a lot of other things he said that got to me, like blaming me for my mom's death.

I'd lost a lot of my desire for physical sex after that, but still had enough of a sex drive to talk about sexual things. Another crush who I trusted came to visit in the spring and I couldn't manage to enjoy sex with him despite my feelings for him, like that part of my brain was just shut down once it came to the physical act. I got involved in a relationship with a guy whose voice sounded almost exactly identical, and had a sleep-groping problem until I stacked pillows between us. He was really innocent and a bit of a pushover, but it still made sex incredibly rare and I didn't have the heart to tell him why.

I still struggle with it and only have one week a month where I get REALLY horny (likely just hormones). I've had sex with my boyfriend but I find it difficult unless I'm facing him so my brain doesn't start doing weird shit and bringing those memories back. I'm very wary of men and have even cast out male friends who have shown very needy sexual attraction.

I have a lot of regrets about not reporting this one either, but at the same time, when I thought about doing so while processing it last winter, I realize there's nothing that could have been done. He didn't beat me to leave marks, I lived with him, so there was nothing that I could take to court about it.

I looked him up again on FB a couple weeks ago and he's apparently dating some woman who looks like she could be his mom, so I like to hope he's grown up and that I was the only one he put through all that.

Anyway sorry for the novel, I didn't intend to write this much but it feels good to get it out.

No. 49313

I'm so sorry, anon. Your life sounded like a living hell and you are an incredible person for making it through that. Please stay strong and remember that this isn't the way it's supposed to be. You will find a guy that won't abuse you and will treat you wonderfully. Work on yourself until then and just… heal. You deserve so much better than that moldy dickbag. Your mother is a real piece of shit too, no offense, and you deserve soo much better. Good luck, anon.

No. 49314

i'm so so sorry anon, that sounds utterly terrible. i'm so sorry. i really do hope you're able to be happy with your life today.

No. 54117

Yes, yes, yes.

As a kid I showed nearly every symptom. I was so sexual, to the point where I was masturbating in public at 4-5, I would always touch myself to really violent/sometimes gory stuff, and always talk about sex to friends even though I shouldn't have even known half the shit I knew?? And now I have horrible, awful dreams constantly about molestation or rape, usually molestation with groping/grinding, which makes me wonder if that's what happened, and nowadays I get sick to my stomach if I touch myself or anything touches my nips (sorry if tmi.)

It really sucks. Half of me wishes that I would just know if it happened or not so I wouldn't be stuck in this hell of not knowing.

No. 54504


Repressed Memories was/is a commonly accepted happening in Psychology, but it's still a very bad idea to take it as a full-on truth.

What we do know: Memories change often. Our Memory of an event gets changed almost every time we speak about it. People increasingly believe reality-based dreams they had when they were younger as true memories.

Kids can be sexual at very young ages w/o trauma. You may have watched a show (remember daytime tv talk shows LOVED the sexual abuse drama), and peaked your interest to the point that you would develop an interest in sexual abuse stories/get aroused with fictional, trauma-based sexual situations. I remember I watched read a chapter in Chicken Soup for The Kids Soul about a girl's step-father touching her while she slept in his room during a storm, and I'd think "Does my dad do this to?". No. He didn't. He never did, but the more you read/expose yourself to the abuse dynamic, the easier it is to say "Well, certain pieces fit and it would explain My XYZ."

"If we assume, then, that some of the memories might be authentic and some might not be, we can then raise this question: If a memory is recovered that is not authentic, where would it come from? Ganaway (1989) proposed several hypotheses to explain SRA memories, and these same ideas are relevant to memories of a repressed past. If not authentic, the memories could be due to fantasy, illusion, or hallucination-mediated screen memories, internally derived as a defense mechanism. Further paraphrasing Ganaway, the SRA memories combine a mixture of borrowed ideas, characters, myths, and accounts from exogenous sources with idiosyncratic internal beliefs. Once activated, the manufactured memories are indistinguishable from factual memories. Inauthentic memories could also be externally derived as a result of unintentional implantation of suggestion by a therapist or other perceived authority figure with whom the client desires a special relationship, interest, or approval." - from The Reality of Oppressed Memories by Elizabeth F. Loftus

No. 54505

More from this Paper:

"Claims of corroborated repressed memories occasionally appear in the published literature. For example, Mack (1980) reported on a 1955 case involving a 27-year-old borderline man who, during therapy, recovered memories of witnessing his mother attempting to kill herself by hanging. The man's father later confirmed that the mother had attempted suicide several times and that the son had witnessed one attempt when he was 3 years old. The father's confirmation apparently led to a relief of symptoms in the son. It is hard to know what to make of examples such as these. Did the son really remember back to age 3, or did he hear discussions of his mother's suicide attempts later in life? The memories could be real, that is, genuine instances of repressed memories that accurately returned much later. If true, this would only prove that some memory reports are authentic but obviously not that all reports are authentic. "

"To say that memory might be false does not mean that the person is deliberately lying. Although lying is always possible, even psychotherapists who question the authenticity of reports have been impressed with the honesty and intensity of the terror, rage, guilt, depression, and overall behavioral dysfunction accompanying the awareness of abuse ( Ganaway, 1989, p. 211 ).

There are at least two ways that false memories could come about. Honestly believed, but false, memories could come about, according to Ganaway (1989), because of internal or external sources. The internal drive to manufacture an abuse memory may come about as a way to provide a screen for perhaps more prosaic but, ironically, less tolerable, painful experiences of childhood. Creating a fantasy of abuse with its relatively clear-cut distinction between good and evil may provide the needed logical explanation for confusing experiences and feelings. The core material for the false memories can be borrowed from the accounts of others who are either known personally or encountered in literature, movies, and television."

No. 54507

The whole paper is available here: https://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/lof93.htm

I suggest reading through it as an alternative, and better researched opinion on the topic. Not to say repression does not happen, but generally once you venture into this subject you'll find a network of people validating each other's "uncovering", using classic PTSD and War Vet Amnesia as "proof" that Repressed Memories are real and happen often. I'd rather arm people with a fuller picture of what's being theorized as happening before plaguing themselves with recovering past trauma.

No. 55435

I know this post was really long but I'm still looking for help, it's all I think about and I can't function.
summary: mutual friend of abusive ex (but not a close friend) publically posts a lot about wanting to support survivors, but doesn't know his friend abused me. Abusive ex is also a SJW now.
Both of these things are triggering as fuck and I spend all my time thinking about telling that mutual friend, but stressing that opening that can of worms will make anything better and I'm scared that because it can be seen as a gray area I won't be believed
I don't know who to talk to about it, I'm just going in circles

No. 55446

I had my pediatrician do something similar to me. My mom was even in the room, but she was sitting behind him reading a magazine so she couldn't see what he was doing. I'd been having appointments with this doctor for a few years at this point so we were familiar and comfortable.

He was pressing his fingers on my abdomen and chest for whatever reason and checking things. Then he just casually put his hand down the front of my underwear and grabbed my vagina. He put his finger in part way and just kinda lingered there. He didn't say anything (no warning whatsoever) then just moved on like it didn't happen. It was scary, but I didn't say anything because I convinced myself that he was just doing normal doctor stuff. I definitely did not want to be considered a "whiner".

It definitely stuck with me. I would recall the event every now and then and wonder why it bothered me so much. Wasn't til I was in my late teens that it suddenly hit me that I'd been molested.

I told my grabdmother and she scoffed at me. She said this doctor was a nice man and one of the most trusted pediatricians in the community and that he would never do anything like that.

I was shocked at how callous my grandma was about it, but it's more alarming to me that this pedo is still practicing and has gotten by this long without being caught. He's in his 70's. I want to believe that I was the only one he did that to, but who am I kidding? He's probably done worse.

No. 55952

I'm really fucked up right now. Yesterday was supposed to be a chill day and I ended up telling my boyfriend and mom that I think I was abused as a kid by my stepdad.

I say think, because for the life of me I don't remember my childhood that well… Only bits and pieces and I only really remember highschool up. Yesterday I felt so relieved to say something but now I'm doubting myself. My stepdad did some shit but, I don't remember him like this and I feel so guilty for even thinking like this.

But in a weird way it makes sense because what I do remember was weird… I was weirdly sexual as a kid, I played with dolls till like I was around twelve and my favorite thing to do was pretend they where fucking. I'd decapitate them, take their faces off with nail polish and I even had a cabbage patch kid which I wrote "sex" all over. I still have that doll and it's the only real "evidence" I have.

When I got into highschool I'd let guys finger me in the hallways and empty classrooms, I jerked a guy off in the woods and the cops told us to leave, I used to drink vodka when I got home early and my stepdad never said anything about it, plus I'm a pothead (I was high when I accidentally told my boyfriend and he convinced me to tell my mom)

I've told both of them I'm not sure if it's even real, and I'm definitely not going to try and press charges or even figure out if this did happen.

Yesterday wasn't the only time this thought crossed my mind, the first time I felt it was like in December… TMI but I was in the car with my boyfriend going home one night and I could just feel a vaginal pain like nothing else. My mind flashed to my stepdad but I told myself I was just remembering the first time he taught me to ride a bike. I still believe that but, fuck I'm confused.

I googled repressed memories and I relate to quite a bit… the most noticable is the fact that I peed the bed till my late teens, after I knew I'd never see him again.

The worst part is that… for some reason I remember liking the "attention" I got.

Yesterday I felt so relieved to talk about it but now I feel guilty because, what if I lied and made everyone feel bad for nothing? Why would I even do this in the first place?

The memories I had yesterday where so fucking vivid and now I can't remember anything at all.

Someone plz tell me it was the weed.

No. 56089

Is this even qualified to be called sexual assault??? I don't know.

I spent the night with a male friend (no sex! Just "you sleep on the floor i sleep in bed thing") when i was 17, we were both buddies and he was a little younger than me.

Well a month later we date, and he told me that the night he stayed over he waited until I was asleep (heavy sleeper) and touched my tits and jerked himself off with my feet.

I was repulsed and managed to dump him like a month later.

The few people in my life have scoffed at the story and called him a weirdo.

I can't fall asleep in the same room as any male who isn't my bf, I get really nervous just thinking about it.
I don't have trouble talking to men, but when i see them getting "into" me i get really afraid and stop associating with them.

I wouldn't say I'm traumatized, but maybe fucked up from it a little?

Does this even count as sexual assault?
Pretty much everyone has told me it isn't and that I'm being a baby about being so hurt about it. Or "that's just weird shit teenage boys do."

I don't know how to feel?

I'm also child on child sexual abuse survivor but i came to terms with that a long time ago.

No. 56104

That's def sexual assault, look up the legal definitions. To put it into perspective, it would have been rape if he'd penetrated you with anything.
I'm really sorry that happened to you anon, but you're not overreacting at all. That's shit that predatory teenage boys do, and it's not normal or ok.

No. 56740

My mom is trying to have sexual relations with me and I hate it. I try to look for advice online and literally nothing comes up.
I love my dad and they're still married, so it's not like I can stop seeing her if I want to still see my dad.
I also don't know how to confront this situation at all without being made out to be crazy or a liar. My mom has always denied any wrongdoing she commits as well.
The best I can do is make comments about how gross it is when parents try to hook up with their kids, while I'm around her.
It's been getting worse recently, but it was only recently that I learned that the things she has done all of my life have been messed up in the first place. I literally had to ask my close friends if it was normal to realize it wasn't, because it was so commonplace in my life that I was unsure of it actually being anything.
So it's like on top of feeling disgusted about everything, things are getting more disgusting.
I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'm not sure there's even advice to be given to me. I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone else that understands how I feel, really. I feel so alone in this.

No. 56741

Thirding a creepy pediatrician story. Mine used to check my vagina out every visit. Like just fiddle around with it and look at it. I was never sure why he did this. My mom would be in the room. Idk. When I was about 10 it made me feel really disgusted (I didn't know why at the time, but I really wanted to cry. I held back tears because I thought I was being a baby and this was normal), so I asked my mom to change to a female doctor.
Surprise surprise, new doctor never did this to me.

To add to the shitty, I opened up to my abusive ex about this finally while we were dating. He basically immediately told one of our neighbors (not even a good friend or anyone trustworthy) about it, just to return tto me to tell me that our neighbor told me that I need to get over it. Like what the fuck.

My current BF is so kind. When I told him he held my hand, apologized for it happening to me, and told me that nobody should have ever done that to me. I cried because I finally felt like I wasn't being irrational about the situation. Finally, someone else saw that it wasn't okay.
Ironically?, having the feedback that it wasn't okay made me feel worse about what happened and about my ex just so casually talking to my neighbor about something that traumatized me and then berating me for it. I guess because I finally feel as though I'm allowed to feel bad about it.
I'm happy my current BF is helping me work through these things. I know I'll get better some day.

No. 56744

My best friend's husband has been sexually harassing (assaulting?) me for months now. He gropes me and makes excuses for us to be alone so he can try to go further. So far I've told one mutual friend and he pretty much brushed it off by saying he'd "noticed that" but nothing else. It honestly made me feel stupid for even trying to bring it up. I'm very socially isolated, my best friend her husband and that mutual friend are my only irl social support. My best friend and her husband have two kids and they live with his family and I'm terrified if I try to tell her what he's done she'll choose him over me because she's so dependent on him. And while technically that wouldn't make her a good friend I just…..don't want to be alone. I don't want to give up literally all my friends for something that doesn't feel like a big deal. I'm not in college anymore and my coworkers are much older than me so it'd be more trouble than it's worth imo trying to make friends.

No. 56748

I was not raped but my dad molested me when I was 6-8 years old and I feel like garbage forever because of it. Like it wasn't comparatively even "that bad" or whatever but I still feel "ruined". I'm 20+ years old now, never dated, virgin, all that. I'm just afraid of men but at the same time I'm secretly so sexual it disgusts me. I'm super clingy and weird and desperate with the only guy who even talks to me. I don't really know how to put this in words, I just want it out of me because I never told anyone. Well, at least my dad isn't alive anymore, maybe I'll tell my mom when I'm like 50 if I'm still alive then. Sage because this is so fucking incoherent I'm sorry.

No. 56749


Oh and just to clarify I'm not calling anyone who experienced worse (or same!) things than I did "ruined", it's just how I feel about myself and myself alone. I feel sad for all who have been wronged by these disgusting "people"…

No. 56751

It is a big deal. Every time he touches you, it's him claiming that he has more right over your body than you do. He does not. Your body is yours. You deserve to be free of his touch. You deserve to keep your body to yourself.
I know you're afraid of losing your friends because of your female friend potentially being a "bad friend" and chosing her partner over you, but it would make you a good friend to tell her. She deserves the knowledge that could free her from a bad partner. You deserve to be free of unwanted touch. It could be really good for both you and your friend.

You deserve to own your body and be safe. If everyone abandons you after that, come here and let me know. I'll talk to you.


I'm proud of you for sharing with us. You did a great job! Thank you, from one human being to another, for allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to take this small step towards healing. You deserve to feel and be happy. I love you, stranger, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. If there's somebody that you know that genuinely loves and trusts you, opening up to them may be helpful if you ever find yourself ready
Again, thank you both for sharing. I hope that you have wonderful days and find freedom from your pain soon.

No. 56753

Anyone else dealing with the residual anger?

I was assaulted three times, but my family only knows about the last time. Adding in the horrible childhood I had, I can't help but get enraged at my relatives for not stepping in. I mean looking back, I was throwing out a lot of red flags, but instead of paying the fuck attention, my family basically labeled me "weird".

Luckily, I've moved away and keep them all at arms length, but part of me is still pissed.

No. 56797

OMG this. I was molested at age 9 by a guy who was friends with my mom and rented a room in our house. I am still livid about what happened to me and that nothing was done. My mom refused to admit she knew anything but she did. When I confessed about the assault, her response was like "if I'd known I would have kicked him out." Kicked him out?! WTAF that would have been your only response? It sickens me. Also she casually made reference to seeing him around town years afterward, like it was nothing. This guy did time in prison and hurt other girls besides me. The police came to the house looking for him, bullshit she didn't know. Also a few years ago one of my childhood best friends called me out of nowhere, we had not spoken in over 20 years. She told me so much more about the stuff going on back then. So much I didn't know. He sexually abused her too, at my house. Back then we were so young and didn't know better that it was wrong. It makes me feel so guilty and disgusted. Apparently my mom was the one who made us stop being friends after that. My friend who was also assaulted told her family and they did the right thing and pressed charges. There was a whole court case and everything and she had to deal with all of that alone. I could have testified too, I could have supported her…but my mom cut off contact with her parents and we could never be friends again. I have so much guilt and anger. Her life was completely ruined. She had a litany of abusive partners since then, and last we spoke, she was deep in a meth addiction. I finally confessed about the abuse to my dad several years ago and his response was, "but I asked you over the phone if he touched you and you said no!" I was scared and ashamed and felt guilty and that it was my fault and I couldn't verbally admit it to him back then…he believed my no. This piece of shit who abused me worked in a daycare and hurt many other kids. He did time in prison but eventually got out. How in the fuck could my mom not know? I was a really messed up kid. There were tons of red flags…but my mom, being a sociopath, felt nothing and did nothing. Anyway I just meant to commiserate anon, sorry for the long post. You are not alone. I think you have every right to be angry. Some things fuck with us for life and it isn't a walk in the garden to get over stuff like that. I think the anger can be healthy. It means we know what happened to us was wrong and an injustice. It's better than being ashamed or blaming yourself, you know? I hope you find peace and healing anon. I hope that for me and for all of us who were violated in this way.

No. 56802

I'm not the anons you are responding to, but thank you so much for responding to them because reading your replies feels very validating and good for me. I hope you are having the best day you can possibly manage.

Yes, I'm an anon from many posts back with a lot of obsessive anger 6 years after abuse. Have you ever spoken to a counselor? Mine told me that anger is a very understandable part of recognizing that we have been hurt and that power was taken away from us. We are told that anger is a bad emotion, but the anger is ours and it's our right to feel it in the same way that our bodily rights are ours alone. Mine couldn't tell me how to break down my anger but recommended writing it down for only a short set amount of time to 'park' it, speaking to someone in person and also doing CBT emotion flowcharts to address your feelings. This time 2 years ago I used to lose almost every day I was alone to obsessing in anger, but now it is more like one concentrated streak of anger every month and a gentle undercurrent of hatred, progress is slow but it's there. Good luck to you and the other anon in your futures.

No. 56812

>When I confessed about the assault, her response was like "if I'd known I would have kicked him out." Kicked him out?! WTAF that would have been your only response? It sickens me.

When my mom found out my step-brother had molested me for three years, she just handed me a wad of cash out of her purse. I was floored, wtf! How is that supposed to help me?!


I started un-packing everything two years ago, and it's been a bit of roller coaster. I came to the realization that I had been downplaying my abuse and started to realize how bad of a childhood I truly had. I was assaulted by three different individuals at three different points in my childhood. I wasn't counting the first two, since I was super young (first I was four, second about 7 or so), and they only happened once. I have hard core Reactive Attachment Disorder issues, so talking about feelings to anyone takes a lot of trust and my first therapist lost it.

Eventually, I started having PTSD attacks to the point where I had to go a few times to the Psych ER. From there they put me in intensive group therapy with DBT. To be honest, I understood and liked DBT more than CBT. But my personality disorder hindered those sessions since most of the time my brain says "Tell them everything is fine, no need to instigate further attention, attention of any kind is bad new bears"

They released me from the program, in which I had appointments with another round of doctors out of the program, but I decided it wasn't worth going through the pain.

I'm in a better place now, and the only reason why I get flustered is when I see my relatives happy, talking about their perfect lovely fucking lives. How nice it is that their parents paid for their car and education, and can essentially just slide right into normal life. While it seemed for me I had to jump through hoops made of fire, and get labeled the weird goth.

But in the end, I just tell myself its not worth the anger. That I should be happy that there at least a good number of people who get to have wonderful perfect lives. To make a difference, I need to work with others to make sure that this shit doesn't happen to the younger generations.

No. 56848

I'm so glad you're in a better place. You and everyone else shouldn't have to feel guilty if you ever slip up on it, you are and enough and important that these feelings are valid, please don't ever feel like you need to minimize these feelings just to live up to some standard or ideal unless it's your own ideal.
>To make a difference, I need to work with others to make sure that this shit doesn't happen to the younger generations.
This. I'm not strong enough to volunteer with any of the support services just yet but I'm doing small things like donating when I can, making sure that younger kids in my or my friends families are getting the right messages and just keeping my eye on anything where my contribution could help in some way without outing myself as a "survivor". Every person deserves to be safe.

No. 58011

Have you figured anything out in the past month?

I too am struggling with questionable repressed memories. I had a dream about being molested by a family member, and it felt SO real. I was angry in this dream, which is what makes it stand out from other similar dreams.
I woke up and just bolted up out of bed and sat there for a while.
I don't know, man. I hope we both find what we're looking for.
I know how you feel. My ex was abusive too, and because of this I ended up staying with him for 6 years.
Alternatively, we rarely fucked (maybe once a week)so I was often eager (especially considering I was neglected the rest of the time). Though the only way he would have sex with me was by barely waking me up from my sleep, sticking it in for a minute or two until he bust, and then rolling off of me to go to bed. No touching me. No cuddling. Just what he wanted.
One time he stuck it in my ass without warming me up, and it hurt super bad so I moved away. He started crying and having a full blown "WHY ME?!" fit over it, stating that he could never get what he wanted. I tried to console him, offering blowjobs and vaginal, but it wasn't enough. He made me feel like shit.
When I left him, I returned to collect my things. He tried kissing me, but I stopped him. He continued to kiss me, and coerced me into sex with him. I don't think I ever told him yes. While I laid there I just started crying, though I did my best to hold back tears. I was being raped. I was raped. I don't know what to do with that. I feel like a don't even deserve to call it rape, even though I didn't want it and I told him no. He was my ex.
He also abused me physically and mentally on a daily basis, so I was terrified to try and act against his will further. Idk. Idk.

No. 58021

I'm >>55435 and thank you for replying to me. I want you to know that what happened was not your fault, that you should never feel like you don't deserve to call it rape. I've been there too with the disgusting "WHY ME?!" fits that my ex had too, our exes were not our responsibility. It's not our duty to excuse those other people for their actions, it's not your burden to forgive, you don't owe him anything and what he did was wrong. There is no right or wrong way for you to react to what's been done, so I can't tell you what to do with that but I sincerely urge you to reach out to a support service.
Obviously I'm still not ok myself, I'm really struggling with the mutual friend thing, but going to counselling through that service has helped a lot. It's given me tools to better deal with my feelings and there's more light at the end of the tunnel or something. Just having a irl person in a room or on the phone that I could say honestly say "I was raped" and "Do other women cry this much when they talk about it?" to really felt important in some way.

No. 58024

>It's not our duty to excuse those other people for their actions, it's not your burden to forgive, you don't owe him anything and what he did was wrong.
Thank you for saying this. I've been struggling with that a lot lately, especially since I've bit a bit of an asshole recently. I've been drinking too much, and texted him a few times calling him out for his abuse. I got rude towards the end though, and just insulted him (ex. I asked him if he even knew what it felt like to have arm hair; told him he looked like fucking turtle and that I hated him; etc.). I'm not that type of person, but I had so much fury inside of me that built up over 6 years of abuse. Being thousands of miles away and hiding behind texting, I was finally able to say whatever I wanted to without fear of being hurt physically or screamed at or gas lighted or blamed. It felt good, though I've been feeling guilty now. I've since blocked him to stop myself from being nasty, since my texts are now more petty than honest venting of everything he did to cause me pain.
My current bf insists that it's there's no need to apologize, as my ex was terrible to me constantly. I still feel guilty for being negative instead of being a shining light of positivity and kindness through all burden like I usually am.

If it's not too much to ask, what do you think of me being petty toward my ex? Did I deserve that sort of relief, or was it something I should regret?

Again, Thank you so much for that line, and thank you for being a friend to me on the internet. I've been feeling so lonely and scared today. Your response means a lot.

No. 58025

I'm >>58024

and I just wanted to add that those fucking "WHY ME?!" fits are so fucking stupid and annoying. Like he'd literally throw a pity party, wailing "WHY ME, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!" and crying any time anything went wrong.
God forbid I mentioned that I, a person with depression and anxiety that moved away from everything she's ever known to be with her bf at the time (only to be abused), mention that I was sad. Even saying that I felt bad would cause him to tell ME that I was throwing a pity party! WHAT A DICK! And if him "helping" me (picking at me jokingly) when I was sad didn't cheer me up, he would get angry at me for not feeling better. I hate him so much.

No. 58036

I remember squeezing my dad's balls and how mad he got at me. Sometimes I wonder if there ever was some sort of sexual abuse. I know I was still a virgin on my teenage years, and I remember sticking a finger up my ass when I was 7 and it hurt a lot so it couldn't have included penetration. I really don't know what to think.

Sorry for posting about maybe-abuse on abuse thread

No. 58044

Thank you so much, again. I too worry about fixating. I think about why I hate him every day. It's usually because my current BF is kind to me, which reminds about how much a piece of shit my ex is. I want to stop, because I always share my thoughts with my BF and I'm sure it gets annoying to hear about my ex every day.
I hope we can both feel better soon. Love and light to you, anon.

No. 58054

how in your mind is this even in the definition of sexual abuse.

i can't stand cunts who are like "lollll well i knew too much about sex at a young age so i must have been abused", like no, some kids are just always interested in genitalia because it's taboo, or maybe they once saw an ad or movie that was too graphic for them at their age but they don't remember it.

No. 58055

samefag here, he probably got upset because it hurt and because it's weird for his child to be touching that area of him. Did he hit you, even?

No. 58069

did you only squeeze the skin of the sack or the ball itself? because squeezing the ball itself hurts like hell (as i was told) so this is probably why he was mad.

No. 58070

Im not gonna tell you it happened for sure because the hell I know. But from all Ive read it absolutely sounds like it. The fucking barbies thing? Had that to. And this obsession about sex as a child, like an urge to bring it out by playing while not even remembering it back then.

Even the doubt you now have. It's nearly text book.

About "liking the attention"… that's so common for survivors of sexual abuse. It's absolutely normal for a child to like attention and to thrive towards it. It's even worse for emotionally neglected children and makes them an easy target for pedophiles (and some even cater to that). You didnt know what he was doing. Even liking the attention, doesnt mean it's your fault or that you in any way are to be accounted for it. He was the adult.

No. 58134

Was not molested/raped, but right around the time I was 16-18 my aunt's husband repeatedly took me out "so we're not bored"(was homeschooled at the time), constantly made violent threats against boys hitting on me and comments about how cute/revealing my clothes are, and after I turned 18, cornered me late at night and tried to come onto me. It really bothers me that he's been like that but probably even moreso that my aunt doesn't seem to want to confront the fact that he was like that. After he "came clean" by telling her he had hit on me she forced herself even deeper into interactions with me, even calling him to tell him how much she loves him in front of me three days after him trying to make a pass. It's crazy stressful and makes me feel so awful, sometimes she'll freak out if I make her mad, saying she's going to get a divorce and basically putting the blame on me.

At this point I'm just at a loss, it's such a gross situation and while I don't mean to equate this with some of the other stuff in the thread, it's something thats still really bugs me. I already have unhealthy relationships with men in my life and it's just… frustrating and stressful to deal with all of that.

No. 58143


I think you're reaching a point where you notice the "adults" in your life are not acting like sane adults. It sucks, but its good to pick up on these behaviors before it takes a huge emotional toll on you. Especially, when its not your doing.

If it were me I would have called your aunt out on her petty bullshit. You're the cause of her potential divorce? lol nah, thats all on her and her shitty husband. Don't let shitty people manipulate you because of their shitty emotions. Time to learn some boundary setting. I'd recommend low contact for now.

No. 58144

Whatever you do, don't let it slide.
Don't be weak or afraid of whatever, please, for fuck sake.

Do never let yourself be a human carpet.

No. 58150

I guess yeah. It's a lot to come to terms with so much obvious uncomfortable interactions in such a short time.

I attempted to tell her to stop contacting me because I was uncomfortable with her forcing me into interactions(she calls/texts me every single day and usually asks me to come over to her house most weekends now) and she threw a fit, saying stuff like "if you hate me just tell me", and that my mother and I should move out of the house we share with other family members so she can move back in and not have to deal with us. My mother has also been hit on by her husband so I guess it makes sense to include her in being forced out of the house(and by extension, family)? I don't even know what she's doing anymore.

No. 58153


No, haven't really made any progress. Just reoccurring nightmares.


I kind of realize this now but.. I just don't know. I kinda just want to continue thinking this never happened to me

No. 58154


Why'd you do that to him? He was probably mad because it hurt.

No. 58464

I'm in the same boat as you, and it's very hard for me to be sexual with my husband unless I drink or get high first so I can be relaxed enough, otherwise even if I initiate the sex and I enjoy it there ALWAYS comes a point where I just start panicking and sobbing and just, have a huge panic attack. He's understanding and he knows what happened to me but it's still so embarrassing and I can't stand it.

Also, does anyone else here who is a CSA victim experience other mental health problems as an adult because of it? For example I know my disassociation began when my CSA began, and I feel like there are other people living in my head. One of them is the physical embodiment of what I was conditioned to be as a child. It was (at first) """otaku"" lolicon men who did it to me and wanted me to be a loli/little sister when I was 9-10. So I have a personality I feel like just appears in my body without warning that is that like, lolicon otaku girl and I start binding my chest and just. Phasing back into it even though I'm 21 now. Another thing is I feel like its impossible for me to grow up now. My room is so childish, I collect toys that remind me of when I was a child before I was molested/raped, disney princess/power puff girls stuff. Actually its specifically from when I was 5-6, before sexual abuse but I was being beaten and verbally abused at that age. Anyway, I'm extremely dependent and childish and I feel like I'm clinging to my childhood and trying to relive it and I feel like I can't stop. My husband doesn't mind this at all and enjoys taking care of me, but I know some of my family members think I need to stop liking childish things, idk I'm just rambling. I want to be a child forever, but a happy child who is not being beaten or raped.

No. 58469

it gets hard to explain because it gets confused with dissociative identity disorder a lot, which you do not seem to have, because for that you would have to need chronic amnesia about days months and years in your life to happen as a major factor.

what you describe is in some sense a milder version of it. like every healthy personality is consisting of many, many aspects of personality. like you can be a housewife and at the same time a sensitive woman, at the same time you have a job that takes different requirements on you, and so on. also every person has something called the "inner child", as in the person you were as a child.

people that experienced trauma in childhood usually have dissociated the aspects of personality which is what you describe. it's also called traumatized identity, of course it's worse when the trauma is occuring in childhood because the identity hasnt even developed fully.

People with a consistent personality are aware that they take different roles e.g. at work and at home. A person with dissociative identity disorder would switch between those states and then only remember being at home, not remembering the prior hours at all. A person with traumatized identity can be confused about who they really are, they can suffer from depersonalisation where they feel strange about how they handle situations and such, but they do always remember. Simply put together thats the difference.

I have that too. My father was very authoritarian and verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. When authority figures are strict with me or other people take up an authoritarian tone, I immediately and automatically switch to being very obedient. It's especially weird since beside that reaction Im rebellious and predominant and such.

you can read a little about traumatizide identity here:

If possible you can look for professional counselling in sense of psychotherapy.

No. 65776

I was molested by my stepfather starting around the ages of 10 or 11, idr really; it's been going on even to my early-mid 20's. I don't really want to talk about how exactly bad I had it without being constantly triggered all day for writing this, like I'm getting as of right now so I'll just write this first segment as short as possible. All I can really say for the moment is that I wasn't raped (though there were at least one or two attempts, I'm not sure since I mostly try to block it) but there were things I didn't want to see, hear or even feel as a kid. And every time that happened I scream or cry until he gets annoyed and leaves me alone.

Many, many years later I decided to break silence to my therapists as of late last year because I couldn't handle the influx of occurring flashbacks from other (physical and mostly emotional/mental) abuse caused by both parents and got (properly) diagnosed with major depression and PTSD with psychosis afterwards.(I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before)

One time I told my psychiatrist that my stepdad was trying to grab/harrass me again and after about a week without my knowledge, he and my previous therapist decided to call (and inform me about) APS/CPS and reported what was going on mostly because there was a 3-year old (my nephew) involved in the hellhole I still call home.

The reason why my nephew was involved was because I confided about my brother's illegal drug and alcohol abuse and how he's constantly abusing his girlfriend, along with how my stepdad is physically and emotionally abusive toward my mother whenever he gets drunk. I thought these people were gonna keep this shit confidential but I guess not, and by that time it was completely out of my hands.

All nine immediate family members plus gf were interviewed…

A few months went by and I denied any allegations (the molestation) thrown at me for the sake of the rest of my family not hating me for ratting them out like that. I couldn't bare the thought of them disowning me for what I've done so I stfu. However, I have a strong feeling my mom knows about my stepdad molesting me; probably knew for awhile and I think during the interviews pretty much confirmed it. Nowadays she stands as a stronger barrier between us (me and that asshole I'm still forced to call "dad").

After everything cooled off he still continues to harass me, I try to avoid him like the plague or give him dagger-eyes to make him leave me alone or pretty much just ignore his very existence but that can be hard sometimes because we're all living in the same house. The man made/makes my life a living hell just because I'm not his biological daughter (my mom married him three years after I was born) and I sometimes believe he's the devil in disguise. I'd tell my shrinks he's still continue to make advances towards me but am afraid another "crisis" will come of this again and I don't think I can handle it one more time.

Because what had occurred in the past, I have a hard time trusting men without feeling paranoid of being taken advantage of due to being deemed "weak" (especially older men whom obviously had ulterior motives disguised as friendship) unless I'm in a safe area of wherever with both genders involved and am repulsed by the idea of sex even though I'm straight/cis.

As long as I'm still living with them, I'll be constantly on my guard like I always have been until I hopefully/finally transfer to uni. For now, I'll just have to continue with my routine of school and work (if I land a job); just living my own life which helps.

>inbe4 why are you still living with your parents?

With this economy, and having to wait a year for an apartment in the blind (and if you're just disabled) community, I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Sure, I could go to one of the women's shelters but…it's just complicated.

No. 65777


>When authority figures are strict with me or other people take up an authoritarian tone, I immediately and automatically switch to being very obedient. It's especially weird since beside that reaction Im rebellious and predominant and such.

I am the same way as well, especially in a job or school setting. I'm usually independent in other areas but am forced to obay and rely on others because "they know best" or else. This is something I really want to change, especially because I plan to go into law.

No. 65872

I was raped multiple times in high school.
In a way I'm almost thankful though that I was intoxicated each time because I couldn't really feel it, not sure if that sounds bad or not, but it's how it is.
What's almost even weirder to me though, is that it honestly didn't affect me until about a year after the last occurrence. & even then, I never really felt any feelings of guilt, sadness, or shame. Just pure fucking rage. It's shocking how many people called me a liar, said I was a whore and deserved it. I always knew people were cruel but not to that extent. Worst thing is, the last occurrence was a gang bang & there's apparently a video of it floating around somewhere, but the cops who came to my school did nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. The worst that happened was one of the kids involved got suspended for like a week even though he had made a derogatory comment towards me concerning the event. I was really violent towards his girlfriend, I realize that probably wasn't the best/most mature thing I could've done at the time, but I was just so hurt. And more people were angry at me for calling them out on their bullshit than they were at them for literally raping me.
I'm doing okay now & I'm not asking for sympathy or anything. Just wanted to share my story because I think it's important to recognize that there's no 1 specific way for victims to feel after going through such a traumatic experience. My heart goes out to all other survivors, especially the ones who've yet to find peace.

No. 67922

Does anyone have experience writing letters to an abuser?
Everyone is telling me it's a bad idea because I can't control and will never even know how he responds to it, but I want to tell that fucker how badly he hurt me without having to be scared of him anymore.

No. 68106

Just my 2 cents anon but I was watching a documentary on YouTube about sexual abusers who prey on children. The woman in it had said that some of them, if reminded, will actually enjoy the memory. Some of these abusers will have no remorse and if sadistic enough, they will not care about your feelings or anything about you, they will not care that they hurt you. They will instead take pleasure in the pain they gave you. So this is your call.

No. 68109

I'd say do it. Write it once then take a breather and re-read to be sure you've said what you wanted to how you wanted to. It can be very therapeutic. Make sure they cannot reply though. Why would you really want to hear back? Even writing a letter you don't intend to send can be helpful, whether it be to the person who abused you or to others who subsequently let you down. All the best anon

No. 68211

I've never fully talked about this but this seems like a decent place to get it all out. My uncle, by marriage, was a total creep and every time I went to spend the night he would grab my breasts and ass, make sexual comments to me, in the mornings he would jump into bed with my cousin and I, pretending to be funny about it, but he always had an erection that he would press against me, or he would hug me/pick me up while pressing his erection on me. Come to find out he was also raping my cousin. He ended his life when I was 16 because she turned him in, so all of this happened before that age, I'd say around 12-15, when I stopped going around him.
At the time, I didn't know what to do about it and was too afraid to tell anyone so I just stopped going to their house to spend weekends with them, which I used to do all the time, those cousins were my best friends, and later, my little sister went to live with them. So long story short, it ruined my relationship with my sister and cousins because they always thought I was avoiding them and didn't want to be around them, I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what was really happening, even more so after finding out he was raping my cousin, because then I felt guilty that my situation wasn't as bad as hers.
I don't know what I am getting out of posting this here, I just need to get it out I guess. Sorry for any weird wording, I've had a few drinks, which I guess is what it took to get this out.

No. 68327

I was sexually molested by a family member when I was younger, I've kept it a huge secret for like so many years and told my mom about it like a few years ago.
But I couldn't bring myself to say who it was mostly because he was in a huge motor bike accident andI didn't want to ruin anything.
I recently saw him around Mother's Day with his girlfriend.
I feel like it impacted my life greatly because I felt like as I got older it would happen again and I packed on the pounds.
Like I wanted people to not find me attractive…..but now I'm in a good spot and relationship
But how do I move on from it myself so I can get into a better spot to better me

No. 68357

I got sexually molested by a female "friend" when I was young and I have a hard time befriending or getting too close to females now. This girl basically bullied me (she broke my finger once by slamming it into a door) but lived across the street in a small town, and my mom and her mom talked often, so I'd be stuck there with her when my parents were out. I was told she'd been watching porn and was trying to 'mimick' the acts. She'd make me take my underwear off and look at my crotch and she'd stick stuff in it randomly like toys or lipgloss tubes, then stretch my labia until I told her to stop, they're really long now and I always wonder if that had something to do with it. She'd get on top of me like the 'man' and stick her knee into my crotch and push down on it. It was always really embarrassing and painful and I didn't know what was going on. Her parents only found out about some of the stuff, because they found her on top of me, clothed, in a weird position. After this happened my mom forbid me from seeing her and we moved shortly after. I never told her exactly what happened but she asked if she did other stuff and I said yes. I have a hard time with toys now too because of the weird penetration that happened. I've grown to be disgusted by porn, and most sexual things that aren't just plain sex with my boyfriend, which took almost a year for me to be okay with. The last thing I remember about her was seeing her when my grade school and her middle school had an event together, then I never saw her again.

No. 187513

I was molested/ sexually abused and groomed by a girl 10 years by senior when I was little and "allowed it" because I crushed on her bad and because it was usually nice and consensual, even though it started when I was 4.
She still tried to force herself on me sometimes.

No. 188885

File: 1622469203374.jpeg (274.89 KB, 900x498, crying....jpeg)

2 years ago I was gangraped in front of my bf and everyone including my bf sided with the rapists.

I was with my bf and his frat friends at a party and after drinking some alcohol I felt extremely aroused(someone put drugs in my alcohol). When my bf went to the bathroom one of the frat guys sits in his spot and starts groping me, I start rubbing his cock through his pants and then he starts making-out with me and then another frat guy comes over and they both take my clothing off and then they take out their dicks and force me to jerk them off. I put one of the dicks in my mouth for a bit before switching to another one over and over again because the drugs made me extremely aroused. My bf comes back and just stares at me instead of stopping the frats from raping me. The rapists tell me to "take their cocks", one dick slides into my pussy without consent and the other in and out of my mouth while I am jerking off another. My boyfriend leaves instead of stopping the rape, and someone records the rest of the incident. I black out after being came into multiple times, I am not sure how many were there. The next day I woke up I felt disgusted and found out that the video was posted to everyone I knew. My family cut contact with me and so did all of my friends. The police laughed in my face and my bf ends up trying to commit suicide and I developed CPTSD because of everything that happened and had to move to a new town.

But thankfully after going to all kinds of different therapists that victim blamed me, I finally found a therapist that validates me and knows that what happened to me was wrong. I also now have a boyfriend now that understands that it was not my fault and he treats me like a queen.

No. 188886

That's horrible, awful, I'm glad you are happy now

No. 188890

Thank you. Remembering it causes me to shake and cry even now.
People who I thought were my friends said to my face that I was a "vile whore". I had a few messages saying that I should be murdered violently. And everyone I talked to in that town said I was lying about being drugged because It looked like I enjoyed it so much in the video. They told me to say horrible things really loudly during the gang-rape and other things I am to ashamed to repeat here. ):

No. 189028

My ex boyfriend raped me in high school and I became super sexual as a coping method but have always had trouble being sexual with my boyfriends. Idk if there's an association thing or if I only wanted sex for validation and don't really need it now that I "have" the guy but it really sucks and my bf of 3 years has been really understanding but I feel awful for him. We haven't been intimate at all since Christmas and I cried a bunch after. I was also assaulted in my sleep by someone I considered a friend right before I started seeing my bf and am seriously terrified of being touched.

No. 189029

I am so sorry, oh god. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that, and with no support from people who were supposed to be there for you. You're a really strong person, I hope your future is filled good memories and a lot of love. I cannot imagine going through all that, it's terrible. Sick how even medical professionals that are suppose to literally help you as their job failed you.

No. 189060

I went through a couple of hypersexual phases in response to my csa. I found it so easy to sleep with strangers but then one of my long term relationships (my biggest love) was sexless the entire time. He evevntually left me and while he didn't say it.. I think chances are it was the main factor and he just didn't want to say it.

Then my next relationship was either us fucking twice a day or going 3 months without sex. I'm this odd mixture of someone with a high body count…but then I have problems dealing with sex if I love the person. I don't want sex if I love you. There's too much pain that I'm likely to tap into there. Intimacy is frightening.

I remember being a kid of 11/12 and girls in my class were trying out new insults. One week I was asked if I'm frigid (I had to ask my mom what that was) and the next I was called a whore. That was the very beginning of me realizing what had happened to me. I hate that I'm almost this mix of both. And I can be judged for both behaviours. It's like you can't win when it comes to sex. It's all judgement and pressure, I didn't ask to be a molested child with these issues.

No. 191074

I’ve been date raped so many times I’ve kinda lost count.
Twice by dudes I didn’t know.
First time I said no to a drunk dude then “no, use a condom” but he didn’t stop.
Second dude I said no several times but he didn’t stop. Felt guilty about it and started seeing him afterwards. I don’t know why.
I don’t know what my problem is but when moids don’t listen I just turn into a fucking dead body. It’s like I literally can’t even move any more, I stop kissing or moving or making sounds but they keep going.

One time there was a moid who after I hit my head coerced me into sleeping with him even though I told him I shouldn’t because I had just had a cervical surgery. He didn’t care. But then I felt guilty about sleeping with him after and started dating him. He was the most physically and mentally abusive man I have ever dated.

There was one time when I was like 7 an older girl between 9 or 12 told me she wanted to show me something at a sleep over. There was at least one other girl there I think. She should me scissoring then was like “it felt good right?” I told her it made me feel weird. I’ve never told anyone in my life about this. I don’t really think it was abuse or molestation or anything. I think it was just weird kid stuff because I had done some things like mommy and daddy (nothing that far though) with boys.

Most of my issues come with grown men after puberty.

My husband doesn’t really understand why I like vanilla sex. But it’s cause of trauma.

No. 191262

Ew why the fuck wouldn’t your husband understand? Have you told him all this? I feel so bad for you. I hope someone in your life is listening to you and your pain nonny

No. 191269

>Felt guilty about it and started seeing him afterwards. I don’t know why.

I've done the exact same thing. I got really high, "agreed" to sex even though I knew I shouldn't have and even cried immediately afterwards, then decided to keep sleeping with him because if we "dated" I'd feel less guilt. He never actually saw me as a date though, since I was too unattractive for him to take seriously, and all it did was get me used as a fuckdoll for months instead of one time. I didn't know that men sort you into "ugly hole", just "slut" and "potential gf material" yet.

No. 191270

To expand on the moid system, we grow up believing we can advance upwards through having sex with him when doing that is more equivalent to a dead-end job.

No. 191275

I haven’t told him about some of it. So I don’t really blame him when he says he can’t understand because I haven’t really told him all of the trauma I’ve had.
Mostly because at the end of the day I really just don’t want to talk about it. Not with men anyways. Not even with my husband as fucked up as that sounds. I love him so much but I just can’t explain why I don’t want to…that I can’t go into detail…that I can’t explain what happened or how I feel or anything of what has happened to me.
Only other women would ever understand.
You explained that guilty feeling perfectly.

No. 191277

Also, don’t feel bad for me.
My husband is a very kind and supportive man. One of the few left. He has his moid moments. I’ve been with him for 8 years now and have come to terms with the past.
Plus as fucked up as it is, I’ve got worse ptsd from more fucked up shit that isn’t sexual trauma that I still have to deal with ugh lol

No. 191330

I get doing this, wrt to your husband. I hope you always have lots of good female friends in your life, anon.

The guilt thing is so real and I've done that too. I have a hard time understanding exactly what I feel, even now, about stuff like this–I feel weird and shameful and embarrassed about stuff that I really do know now wasn't my fault. But the awful guilt is still there, and it feels….panicky. Like I can't bear it, I have to do something, quickly, to siphon it off. When I've gone on to date or do other weirdly nice things for guys who have done stuff like this to me, sometimes I feel like it's because I'm trying to convince myself it wasn't really that bad, so I don't have to feel the enormous weight and guilt and shame of the shitty, shitty thing that happened. And so I don't have to stare at the fact that a guy I thought I could trust (I'm thinking rn of a guy who I thought was a good platonic friend before he pulled shit) never saw me as a person at all. Or the fact that this is so common as to be inescapable.

No. 191346

Exactly. It’s like grease you can’t ever wash off your hands.
Then trying to explain to my husband guilt made me start dating one of them…well, I’m sure most men don’t understand that, my husband might not be an exception.
And I’ve learned sometimes you shouldn’t start conversations when you might not like the response.
I don’t know how I would feel or what I would say if he didn’t agree with me 100% or even respond correctly.
While I trust he would agree with me, I mean I’ve known him long enough and he knows how abusive that fucker was…I just…can’t fucking say it. Idk. It’s more my issue than him really.

No. 191347

Also. Like why do men automatically think being nice to them means sex? Like wtf. I’ve never understood that.
Why do they rush so much then call us whores?
You’re the ones that won’t listen when we said no or take it slow.
Then to turn around and call us whores is too much.
But then you don’t give out anything and you’re a prude.
There really is no winning with most moids.

No. 192268

My long term boyfriend knows about my sexual trauma. He's understanding but he never initiates anymore which he claims is because he's avoidant of me having a bad response (ptsd but worst that happens is I dissociate, have to push through or ask to stop). We're at a standstill and I'm left feeling like all my fears about being disgusting and unworthy are being validated and that I can't make progress because I can't "practice". I don't know where to go from here because talking about it just makes it more pressure on both of us which isn't exactly sexy and nothing ultimately changes.

No. 192296

Can you not initiate yourself? He probably feels bad and doesn't want to overstep boundaries with you again, which is a good sign. If I were in his position I would be scared to initiate too, out of fear of making your trauma worse. I think it's honestly better if he lets you be the one in control.

No. 192554

Every time we've had sex the past year its from me initiating but he still won't take an active role so it's disheartening and forced and only he gets off. I know he cares I just don't know how to break this cycle of neither of us feeling comfortable.

No. 192561

I say this with love:
If he's getting off then you need to stop being disheartened. I can't believe you found a moid that is actually respectful and you found a way to make it a problem. Get therapy and get comfortable initiating because he is definitely correct for not initiating with you, when you have sexual triggers. You're looking for invalidation where there is none.

No. 192569

I see where you're coming from but I don't entirely agree. If anon wants her partner to initiate more often then she should ask him and he should do so. She says she's capable of asking him to stop if things get uncomfortable, so what's the big deal? My ex was dealing with residual trauma when we first got together and I basically lived through this scenario. At first I let him do all the initiating then he started saying he missed me taking control so I started doing it again. Sometimes he was happy with that, sometimes he felt off and we had to stop. No problem. Over time we got to the point where he pretty much stopped having any issue with me initiating, but it's not like I was majorly inconvenienced during the times he wasn't in the right mindset to go along with it. I agree with anon that it's likely not going to get better unless she keeps working on it. If he's not comfortable helping her with that, then frankly maybe he's not the best partner for her. Honestly being with a survivor is not always a walk in the park but you work with them because you (hopefully) care.

No. 192604

how common is it to be basically asexual from trauma? is there even a way to get better? i get told that it's more common than nymphomania but i barely met anyone else like this

No. 192621

I think it's a very common response. You're avoiding a trigger around an activity/topic that traumatized you and has the potential to retraumatize you. You can enjoy sex and masturbation if you want to, but it typically takes a lot of personal work in addition to a patient and understanding partner if you choose to involve someone else, which can be difficult to find if you're interested in men. I think the best thing you can do is attempt to develop a healthier view of sexuality for yourself before ever involving another person so you can clearly state and maintain your boundaries, and even then you should proceed slowly.

No. 192622

its more like the lack of lust and sex drive that's never happened for me. i've never been grossed out by sex or anything, i used to think seeing people express themselves and be open about sex was really cool and empowering and looked up to that, but even at puberty i didn't become like that.

No. 193495

at age 5 a boy my age basically sexually assaulted me (i was sitting down, he rnaodmly put his hand up my skirt and fingered me), yes we were both the same age, but to this day, nearly 2 decades later, he tries to contact me and make fun of me because of what he did, i guess hes still mad i told my family who told the school, though my family still makes jokes about it. i've had girl friends who know him and have tried to date him, ultimate betrayal imo.

at 12 my mum had multiple male friends who discussed fantasies of engaging in sexual acts with me and my sister, my mum is still friends with them, despite knowing.

at 14 a much older boyfriend would try having sex with me while i was asleep and raped me multiple times.

ive stayed away from men since then. is it bad if i still say i'm a virgin? i feel guilty for it and as much as i know virginity is just a social construct, i dont want to have to explain to people what my sexual experiences have been, "are you a virgin?" "yes" conversation over.

im basically asexual now, i do have fantasies, but the actual thought of them happening makes me sick. and i have literally thrown up because of friends talking about sex.

No. 194789

when i was around 4 i was sexually harassed by my cousin. he was in his late 20s. he put his hand on my thigh and said inappropriate things to me. i was paralyzed, i didnt know what was happening and i did not know how to respond. my parents never educated me about this matter. i was just staring at him, with my mouth shut. thankfully, my mother called him before he could proceed to do more hedious things. im convinced he did more inappropriate stuff but i find it difficult to remember my childhood. he ruined my life. and my mother did nothing but cry over it and just be like 'its all his fault but i refuse to do anything because im a fucking religious asf and i believe that god will help'
to be frank, im furious. im mad at him, at my mother and my father that did literally FUCKING NOTHING. all they did is cut the ties with him, thats it. they didnt call the police, they didnt do anything to make him accountable for his actions. they told me that they will accept him back into our family when he 'truly repents'. and by that they mean that he needs to believe in god in order to be accepted. oh, and say "im very deeply sorry. i apologize for my disgusting actions but hey, look! now i believe in god. god is love god is life!"
i cant believe this is ALL he needs to do. to be fucking forgiven.. BECAUSE GOD!! BECAUSE GOD FORGIVES, RIGHT? this is how it works! im so fucking mad. i hate this family. i hate what happened and i hate the fact it affects me to this day. i have to unpack a fuckton of mental health issues and problems because my parents are awful at their job - being a good parent.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)

No. 194817

Anon you are still a virgin. You got assaulted against your will that is not sex and you don't have any experience. You only lose your virginity if you have sex with a another person because you both want to do it. It is also totally okay if you don't want to have sex at all and stay a virgin. Nothing wrong with that.

No. 194831

Opinions on rape by coercion?
I had a friend who guilted me into dating him ("you led me on") and once we started "dating" to my reluctance to begin with he was strangely hypersexual off the bat. In his case he was begging over and over and guilting until I finally give in after saying no. At this time I had no friends other than him and was living away from my family which he was very aware of. I don't know how to regard this as traumatizing but for me it was… I was a virgin at that time and didn't want to do it. I said no but he kept pressuring me and making me feel obligated.

No. 194841

My heart hurts reading all your experiences. I'm so sorry you all had to go through stuff like this.

No. 194848

Yep. Partner did the same thing, would not speak to me or acknowledge my existence for days and it psychologically screwed me because we lived together. I'm glad you left nonnie - it would have escalated once the guilt tactics stopped working. People who do this have no empathy or regard for how harmful coercion can be. Take care of yourself and maybe seek therapy and don't let seeds of doubt about your experiences grow.

No. 194899

What a fucking asshole. It's completely understandable that you feel this was traumatizing, anon. I think this kind of experience is way, way, way more common than we realize…I feel almost like I was groomed by the world, sometimes. The guilt and wheedling and pressuring and pushing works so well because we're already fucking weighted with "he'll get it somewhere else/he'll leave if you don't/you lead him on/he's sad and awkward and will it REALLY cost you that much to just endure it/you're ugly if no one wants you and that is death/you're alone in this room with him, what if he gets angry/no one will believe you/don't cause drama/he doesn't realize how awful this makes you feel so he can't be blamed/just get it over with and then maybe he'll leave/he loves you, right? is this that big of a deal really" …….I can't tell if this is just the darkest part of me talking but sometimes I wonder if a single woman's sex life hasn't been touched by coercion at some point. Not outright rape every time, just…that pressure means we endure so many things we don't want and then it's so hard to figure out why it feels so awful and wrong and traumatizing.

Kinda went off there, don't mean to hijack. I hate that man for doing that to you and you are far from alone. That pushing/making you feel obligated thing is one of the most evil things that happens behind closed doors all the goddamn time, imho

No. 194959

I'm so sorry you went through that and hope you're doing better. Thanks for the response.
Thank you sm anon this is really sweet. I think it's the fact that coercion is so normalized and rape is so oversimplified. Literally every porn plot is rape by coercion. It's sexier to them to see a woman who doesn't want to fuck them but has to be convinced or theatened/forced. Now think about how fundamentally every video is based upon blackmail (stepbro blackmails lil sis with nudes), bribery (teen sucks cock to pay for textbooks), convincing (shy virgin learns what a little whore she is), and we see why men see sex as transactional with women having something to lose and men having something to gain. And also that all women are whores who love cock deep down, it's just some are just harder to convince. You see that manifesting a lot in the "girl next door" porn trope that shows average women becoming a sex-crazed nymphos.
But nope it's easier to just belittle and demean women or insist they're lying because if we admit that fishing a 'fine whatever' out of someone is a form of assault then "by that logic, all guys would be rapists!".

Anyway I feel emotionally distanced from the whole thing (typical coping mechanism) but reading your post really makes me want to contact the POS and tell him to learn to take no for an answer. Idk if it's scarier to think that men know exactly what they're doing or if they don't know and genuinely think they gained consent because 1) men ALWAYS see as objects before humans and 2) after dozens of 'no's she finally gave one 'fine' and [unenthusiastically] went along with it but hey at least you came …pfft they have to know right?

No. 195061

Damn, really really really well put, anon. I read an article recently about backlogged rape kits, and how if police took them seriously, they'd be overwhelmed. The writer was arguing "okay, then be overwhelmed and learn to deal with it." That's so completely how I feel about that "by that logic all men would be rapists!" response…like, we downplay it b/c surely it can't be THAT bad, but what if that really is how fucking bad having sex with men is for women? Maybe we should just fucking sit with that instead of immediately pushing it away because it scares us? Maybe we should be overwhelmed with the truth and learn to deal instead of demanding women deal with this alone, sometimes (often, even) taking it to their graves.

Wrt men knowing what they're doing or not….I think they know too. I think maybe a lot of the time it's like, they know, but that knowledge weighs so much less than how much they want to get off. Like, they can know and also absolutely not care at all. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I plan on being a happy spinster–I can't deal with not knowing which it is with men. And I've just looked at the reality of sex with men too openly–I can't deal with that default coercion anymore. I can't lie again now that I've been able to sit with the truth. I thought for a long time that I was just being pessimistic because of trauma, but honestly, I just think we all prefer to look away from this particular reality and expect women to compromise and keep it to themselves.

No. 196029

Has anyone here done EMDR? I had my first session recently and I've been feeling weird. I get little random memories of my abuse, and I feel kind of disassociated. Today I had a panic attack because I thought my coffee place had started using smaller straws, and the unreality feeling crept up on me. It's ridiculous to type out. What do?

No. 196195

i tried it but it didn't help since i don't remember my assault well anymore. it can help if you can remember it but it will be uncomfortable to face

No. 196263

There are sloppy serial rapists out there that have been active for years that haven't beenncaught because of A), the sheer evidence backlog VS the staff, and B), a lot of them get buried under other cases or the evidence destroyed bc the rapist is a cop, politician, local asshole with connections or someone important's adult child. It's literally the norm to simply not try to catch rapists because we as a society just pretend they aren't a problem, while at the same time telling all women not to get raped, not to go out alone and to carry a weapon or learn self defense.

No. 196264

Adding another point to this, the main reason those evidence kits sit on shelves forever is because of the fear of who the rapist may end up being.

If almost every woman has had a #MeToo moment, been coerced or catcalled or otherwise involuntarily sexualized, then imagine how many men must be responsible that have otherwise spotless reputations to hide behind? "No, he would NEVER do that! He wouldn't even need to! He's a good man!", etc.

No. 196266

>It's easy to say a victim is lying or mistaken about the identity of her rapist if her kit is never processed and the rapist's DNA never gets checked.

No. 246279

to preface this i have not experienced sexual abuse as a child. as an adult i experienced some non-consensual groping at a club and sexual harassment but that doesn’t have much do with anything. i think my understandings of sex and sexuality were severely impacted by two things that happened when i was 10;

1. overhearing my mother discuss with my father the sexual abuse she had experienced as a child at the hands of her older brothers
2. learning about the real sort of mechanics of sexual acts (in a more practical and less theoretical sense) from reading a rape scene in a true crime novel and reading bits and pieces of a memoir of a woman who endured long term sexual abuse as a child from her father. one of my friends brought these books to school and let me read them. in hindsight i think she probably did go through sexual abuse and this was her way of dealing with it. clearly she had very poor parental supervision if they let her read books like this at 10.

from then on i would have weird nightmare/fantasies of being raped by male teachers/class mates.
this was also around the time that i became fixated on women’s bodies and probably had my sexual awakening of being attracted to women but i didn’t understand it at the time.

anyway it feels weird to type it out here because i didn’t experience anything directly but idk. exposure to sex concepts is something that can be so damaging for children if it’s not done in an age appropriate way

No. 246519

i've only told one person in my life about this, but i was preyed on while i was about 8-12 almost constantly. never really knew how to say it because i wasn't sure it 'counted'. when i told my ex, he made it pretty obvious he didn't care/didn't see it as any big deal. but i have always felt incredibly guilty and OCD paranoia about sex/arousal/et cetera. i thought i was asexual for a long time because the thought of it really scared me. it's why i get so worried about people who share their entire life stories on carrd, twt, et cetera, because i felt trapped. it's easy to say stuff like "block and move on" now, but being young and vulnerable i would constantly be preyed on (once by a guy who was already being sentenced for something…idk, maybe he just wanted to dig himself an even deeper grave). im sorry if this isn't the place for this but i have never been able to tell anyone due to how ashamed i felt and the ingrained idea that i was inherently leading them on by being a woman.

No. 250537

Anyone else here who basically remembers all of their csa and isn't affected by it? I was molested everyday for a few continous years around the ages 9-11 by a religious authority and I remember it all, of course not every single day but like, I have no gaps in memory. And the thing is, I don't even feel anything when I think about it, I don't get panicky or anything so, I don't have ptsd or anything from that time, and it makes me also think that it just wasn't that bad.
But on the other hand, I have like every predictable outcome, I suppose, of a typical csa case, self-destructive behaviors, hypersexuality, abnormally concerned with privacy, disconnect from my body and sex etc, and that makes me believe that maybe those years did do something to me… But the fact that I basically can think about it with ease and don't really have any triggers that I know of makes me believe that it was just not a big deal. Which is good because I am not in a state of panic but then I feel very guilty saying/believing I went through csa because I just came out unscathed and I am just speaking over people who actually suffered. Well actually, I've never told anyone about my csa but y'know.
I don't know where I am going with this lol, just wanted to know if any other nonas here are like me.

No. 250547

Was abused from ages 8-15 and honestly I was just happy to be away from the situation for a long time, but it did sneak up on me in my mid 20s. I wish I had spoken to someone when I was younger and my coping methods never got out of control. Take care, nona. I'm sorry for what happened to you.

No. 250552

What would you call these, if anything

1. First relationship. I realize that things are leading to sex and say we need to get condoms. He's relucant, it's pretty late. I'm not confident but try and fake it and put my foot down, saying I want my first time to be done correctly with protection. We go buy some. He's visibly annoyed and we don't talk on the way. It's a male employee and I'm embarrassed but he makes me go buy them because I'm the one that wanted to get them. We get back and he can't get it in because I'm nervous and clenching a lot. He says he could probably get it in easier without a condom. I hesitate and after talking down to me ("Don't you know how it works? If I haven't come yet precum can't get you pregnant, I just have to come outside") he says we can try it another time. I stupidly feel bad for upsetting him and wasting his time so I agree.

2. Same guy. He asks me to come over. I get a friend drop me off at his house because I'm pretty drunk. During sex I notice that he's taking pictures and videos during it. I was inexperienced, insecure, and drunk so I didn't say anything but I did feel weird about it.

3. He sticks his finger in my ass without any warning and praises/compliments me a lot afterwards for it.

4. He asks for anal and I want to use a condom because I found it more hygienic. He's noticeably unenthusiastic during it and after it slips off he talks down to me again ("Do you think you can get pregnant through your ass? Why would we use one?") and we don't use one.

5. Sometimes he asks for anal when I haven't prepared for it so I say no. He says I can't be that dirty and that it's fine. Come on, please? and I give in. It's dirty two times and I'm really embarrassed over it. I start cleaning inside every day when I shower. Between that and the sex I think I developed a hemorrhoid. I remember feeling bad about myself because I knew he liked anal a lot (it was very unlikely for him to finish without it) and I wouldn't be able to do that for him.

6. I'm trying to sleep and he starts rubbing himself against my ass. He pulls my underwear down and inserts himself without doing anything to make it better for me. It hurts but he finishes and leaves to clean up and play video games. He didn't speak to me the entire time. I don't know why I didn't say anything, I just felt like I couldn't or shouldn't. A few days later I tell him that I felt weird about it and he gets really offended and mad at me for not saying anything at the time.

No. 250556

I am sorry you had to endure abuse for so long, sick.
I think my sort of… process was similar, I was just relieved to finally be away from it and was doing good but then years later bam, it was like I woke up with it all just suddenly coming back to me and I crashed hard in a typical fashion. You take care too, wish you the best of luck out there

No. 250561

i hope this guy catches fire, fucked up piece of shit. i'm sorry anon, these instances seem like assault to me, especially the last one, that's fucked and him putting the blame on your afterwards to make you feel bad. he needs to be sent to god. i'm really sorry you had to go through this, and as your first relationship.

No. 250567

Personally, I’d call that rape.
You didn’t give him consent. Even if he successfully manipulated/pressured you into consenting, that isn’t consent.
I hope you can speak to a therapist about this.

No. 250576

This is rape. He took pictures and videos, please contact someone because he can ruin your life if he shares those.

No. 250582

He's disgusting. I'm anxious for you reading these noona. Please try to get away from him asap, he's raping you without remorse. You don't deserve any of this.

No. 250588

all rape and sexual assault. you need to make a plan to leave.

No. 250599

My current therapist doesn't like to dwell on the past, she's more focused on developing coping skills to handle my current symptoms. I don't necessarily disagree, but recently it feels like she's starting to get frustrated with me. Might be in my head though.

I don't think he has them anymore, unless he backed them up before he broke his phone. I don't know who I'd contact about it anyway.

I should have clarified but I'm not with him anymore. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately, having nightmares etc.

This sucks. It was my first relationship and I was insecure and inexperienced but I still feel so foolish. I stayed for a long time

No. 250604

>My current therapist doesn't like to dwell on the past, she's more focused on developing coping skills to handle my current symptoms. I don't necessarily disagree, but recently it feels like she's starting to get frustrated with me. Might be in my head though.
sometimes it's important to talk about the past so you can digest it, especially if you're having backflashes or invasive thoughts about what happened to you
if you feel like you need to talk about it with her, she should be open to it
are you receiving DBT or CBT? because if I recall correctly, in CBT you will break down the traumatic event a lot while with DBT (typically after receiving DBT) you will work on the symptoms
and if you are receiving DBT without prior CBT treatment, that could be a problem
perhaps if your dynamic with this therapist starts going down, and you need to search for a new one, therapists offering CBT may be something you want to look out for

No. 250737

File: 1647711209401.jpg (43.87 KB, 588x588, 1510826201887.jpg)

I was SA'd by my ex. And I've wondered if anyone else has had to deal with certain triggers. Like he was a bigger guy and the idea of being intimate with a bigger man literally terrifies me. Theres been a few times I've been close with a guy that wasn't big but the way his stomach touched me made me want to die. I hate it and im not sure what to do.

No. 250759

I have a similar trigger, I was SA by a much older and bigger boy when I was younger, now I can't feel attracted to older or bigger/taller men. You can get therapy but I don't think not dating men who share a defining characteristic with your ex is something bed. Fat men are terrible either way.

No. 250811

I'm very sorry that happened to you anon
A lot of survivors experience repulsion and disgust whenever they're in a situation even remotely similar to their trauma, your brain it's probably connecting the feeling at the moment of the abuse with the feeling of the touch wich it's common and you can read in the other posts itt, it's a reasonable reaction with what you went through and it's really not your fault
I hope you're able to feel better and get some sort of treatment

No. 251032

Why does he get to be released from prison early just because he's a fucking tranny now? 18 years down to 10 because he grew his hair out and uses coffee grounds and a number 2 pencil for eyeliner?? No one in my life knows the details about what happened and now that he's a tranny I feel even more isolated in who I can tell about this and express my true feelings.

My first relationship with a man when I was 14 and he was 21, it was 6 months post breakup of my first ever relationship and girlfriend. The first week of meeting each other was typical lovebombing. He was also asking for weirdly innocent videos like me talking about my day like a vlog, which I know now is obvious groomer shit. After that week, I didn't hear anything from him for a day or two, and in what could've been divine intervention, my sister recognizes his name from when I said I was talking to someone new, and shows me a news article of his arrest and gently tells me I should stop seeing him. Obviously this post doesn't end with "so I listened". She tried more than our parents did, at least, but we grew up together and she hated our home life just as much as I did so of course she was moving out and just started a family. I also remembered a family member in prison and how mail is good for morale, and immediately wanted to write him. Why would his mother give inmate contact information to a teenage girl she doesn't know without asking questions? Ugh.

After a month in jail he was released and the lovebombing and groomer shit started again, "aha it was just a joke" "mature for your age" or unexpected sexual questions then playing it off. I remember one of the first things I said was I was only ever with a girl. When he asked if I would be with a guy, I told him penises grossed me out and just look creepy, which was probably seen as some sick fucking challenge to him or something. I don't remember the first time or when he started to involve cameras or recording. Even when he was sober but especially when he would drink or do drugs, he would constantly calling me fat, childish, bitch, constantly comparing me to other girls, specifically his sister who was also my age. The verbal and emotional abuse started to be very personalized and extremely graphic too.

15 to 18 are the worst years of my life because of him. He would make it a game, sometimes it was convincing me to go along with it and literally preparing scripts he wanted me to read while it was happening and mention my age or age related things and other gross fetishes, or sometimes hiding the camera from me. I don't know the right words for it but that was when I really felt "disconnected" from my body and femininity. I never told anyone about the videos because I was scared they'd blame me somehow. When I was 18, I made a friend online (unintentionally a psych major) and while she obviously couldn't diagnose me, she said could tell what was going on with "my friend" but I didn't tell her about the videos either.

I was so drained and suicidal by 18 that I finally told him I wanted to stop. I had a few times before but he "understood" which just meant I had to make it up. For some reason this was the nuclear button and he starts sending me links to videos that he uploaded, and they were dated two years ago. "I'll delete them if you make more for me" I asked why would he think I ever want anything to do with him after this? And why would I believe he'd delete it? He gave up the act at that point and went full moid, saying every possible thing he could to hurt me, scare me, threaten me, complete with barrages of voicemails and texts. He shot up in front of me and told me it was my fault he was going to die.

I had mixed feelings towards the detectives on my case. The state level detective was very rude and literally ghosted me when I asked about the case. When it became a federal case the victim/witness coordinators were sweet and very comforting. He plead guilty thankfully, I honestly couldn't have done a trial. When he was in federal detention leading up to sentencing, it kept getting continued and then those ladies ghosted me too, they didn't respond to emails or calls for like half a year. I made sure I memorized his inmate number and the case number to search on PACER and I'm glad I did because THAT was how I found out he magically decided he's a fucking tranny and no questions asked gets hormones for free. I knew immediately the name change was coming so he could try to hide from what he did to me.

At sentencing he got 18 years for production, pos&dist, and coercion of a minor. He had his dad cry that he had a hard life and was on drugs and was abused as a child and all that shit. I didn't write an impact statement but I wish I did. I was so scared to talk I don't even remember what I said. My memory never used to be this bad either. Near the end of last year the court allowed him to legally change his name because "it won't prevent people from searching United States v Last name" but if you search JUST his tranny name (a Google search is at least slightly more likely search, no?) you won't fucking find anything about him. I was told he'd get 18 years and he gets out in 10 now for good behavior and fake "rehabilitation". I'm grateful the mandatory minimum for crime involving minors is 10 years but he deserves more.

I want my body out of the minds from all those sick scrotes who watched the videos and re-uploaded them, and from him for doing what he did and trying to tear my womanhood from me just to try and impose it on himself. When I got out of inpatient they set me with a counselor that just stares at her phone and wants to talk about movies. I'm trying to find a new one but finding a good one is hard when you don't know how to start or what to look for. Idk if there's anything to really respond to for this but thank you for reading it.

No. 251047

Jesus, this is so angering, I really cannot believe he got 8 reduced years for deciding he's a tranny. I wish he catches fire, the audacity. I'm really sorry for what you had to go through because of him.

No. 251048

is it a normal feeling among survivors of both childhood and adulthood sexual abuse to downplay what happened to you as an adult? i can't blame myself for what happened to me as a six year old, a lot of the time i hate myself for it and how i let it impact so much of my life but i know i didn't deserve it back then, but when it comes to my abusive ex i can't stop thinking about how it's in some way my fault. i didn't have to get with him, i should have been more aware of red flags, i didn't have to stay with him, or keep going back to him, i should have had control of myself but i didn't.
the fucked up thing is that i would never think that about other women who've been in or are still in abusive relationships, but i can't apply that same compassion to myself. i feel like it's the only thing i'm good for anymore and like i'm doomed to be with men like him forever and i don't know how i can break out of that

No. 251089

Yes, it's common. I think part of being a mature adult is realizing there's a measure of nuance in everything that happens to us. It's not all black and white. Sure, you could have avoided the abuse had you paid more attention to the red flags, established better boundaries, known what to avoid. But you didn't have that knowledge and experience at the time. You may not have been a child, but in some ways you were still just as vulnerable and unprepared for the manipulation that was weaponized against you. And most importantly of all, no matter how naive or delusional a victim is, they are never at fault for harm the abuser ultimately chooses to enact upon them.

On top of that there's all the societal conditioning women are force-fed about being ride or die, stand by your man, if he's unhappy you work harder to commmunicate or compromise, it's your job to empathize, he'll change if you're really the right person for him, and on and on. There's nothing shameful or stupid about you having wanted things to work out. Looking back, I know it's hard to see how you allowed yourself to be used past a point, but you thought it was something that could be fixed. Now you know better. That's your defense against it happening in the future. Now you do know the signs, what behaviors to watch out for, the sort of treatment that's inexcusable, and can leave at the first feeling of unease. In regards to thinking you deserve poor treatment, I recommend trying some CBT exercises or other means to improve your self esteem. It's hard to break the programming you internalize from an abuser who treats you like you're worthless. That's a lie you were fed though, and just as you could be dragged into seeing things from their warped mindset, you can eventually develop a more balanced, kind and gentle outlook towards yourself too.

No. 251238

I know being triggered by an abuser's name is common, but I kind of hit a wall with developing a tolerance to mine. I have multiple abusers, and I know someone in real life who has the name of someone who assaulted me. But this person is nice and okay, so I associate the name with them instead of the assaulter. The issue is being un-triggered by my rapist's name. Usually the thing to desensitize yourself is similar, either meet someone with the same name, or do something silly like name a Pokemon/video game character, or make an orginial character after it so dis-associate from it. But my rapist's name is so ugly and retarded I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone named that or name a cute/cool Pokemon after. I dunno. Does anyone else deal with something similar and worked through it?

No. 252037

i don’t mean this to be insensitive or barging into a conversation where my experience is not relevant, but i’m genuinely curious… does anyone know if it’s actually possible to significantly repress memories of SA? i think recovered memories are mostly BS/a relic of satanic panic brainwashing, but there are some weird things about my sexuality that i’ve never understood.

i have some hazy iffy memories about a male relative, nothing like violent rape but like being alone with him in a bathroom without underwear on, i’ve woken up crying feeling like i “remembered” an episode of SA, i cry during sex, i get extremely anxious when my partner initiates sexual contact, i’m pretty much exclusively turned on by incest-related stuff, & i tense up so much during sex/pelvic exams i’ve been asked by partners & doctors in the past if i’ve experienced sexual trauma.

it’s just weird. i don’t really think i’ve blacked out a period of my life or anything but i’ve always had this phobic reaction to sex & i hate it.

again, i’m really sorry if this is inappropriate or invalidating to any survivors of SA/molestation. i have no clear/direct memories of this happening so i’m not claiming it for myself, just wondering if it’s even possible for that to occur.

No. 252079

Stuff that happened when you were a child and didn't have any coping mechanisms to deal with could've just been forced deep into your subconscious so you feel like you forgot about them. We can't give you a clear answer, you should go to a therapist who specializes in SA. I myself was sexually assaulted at a young age and I did always have the memory but it's very hazy, I can't remember it wholly and I personally don't want to because it's not causing me problems as of now. If your trauma, whether imagined or real, causes you harm, you deserve to reach out for support and get all the help you need.

No. 252084

I think the thing about the satanic panic repressed memories is those people were convinced by a therapist that they were ritually abused and forgot about it despite having typical childhoods. In that context it's fake, but having memory issues from trauma that can be triggered is arguably common. I repressed being SA as a kid because I didn't know what happened, but when I was a teen I realized I was drawn to fanfiction with themes similar to how I was abused, and that combined with basic talks in school about consent brought back flashbacks.

No. 252085

thank you nona. i def think i need therapy for my intimacy issues/hatred for my body. i’m scared to broach this whole thing though cause the relative in question is someone i have a close & loving relationship with now. i’m scared i’m having fake memories/suspicions that could destroy a healthy relationship. i hope you’ve found healing & i agree with you that you shouldn’t have to recall every grisly detail when doing so won’t benefit you.

aye the fanfiction thing sounds familiar. it’s made me feel like a pervert for awhile. thanks for your insight… i do think that’s an important distinction between memory recall coerced by therapists and more spontaneous recollection. i just also feel like my memory is sketchy and i don’t trust it lol. wishing the best for you <3

No. 252116

I'm glad this thread has been revived and I've been reading through it. One thing that sticks out to me is that a lot of what happens is in early childhood. I don't think I've experienced CSA, in that most of my SA experiences have been 14+
I relate to a lot of experiences in being sexual at a young age for no reason at all, touching myself a lot and even my mother catching me once. I had fetishes from 8, but I genuinely don't have a hint of memory or even a suspected person that would have abused me as a child.
I say all this because when I started getting abused, it really all piled on;

The first boy who assaulted me was my age in a public alleyway, at 13. Tearing off my pants at 3pm, forcing my hand onto his penis. A child and his mom walked by and watched me getting abused. I said no and he didn't stop.
2 weeks later I met my first boyfriend who was a legal adult and was sexually and emotionally abusive.
I was very easily manipulated but I was also very naïve and I'm autistic so that doesn't help. I found myself repeating the same cycles needing men but also only attaching myself to the ones who'd hurt me.

It's stupid, but I guess I feel like CSA would make sense for me, but it never happened? I was just easily led into poor situations? 14 is still a child but I guess there's a part of me that thinks I could've handled it if I spoke up you know?

No. 252119

I never really thought of it as sexual abuse or exploitation but I only recently realized this experience might've been a form of that.
I used to be best friends with a boy that lived next to me, we were really close and hung out every day. He had a fucked up family and now that I look back on it we did some things that were really strange, I just didn't realize it back then.
I was around 8 or so back then and he was 2 years older than me. He'd show me porn on his computer and we would watch it together while he masturbated next to me. He didn't force me to do it or anything, he asked if he could but I don't even think I understood what it meant at that time and I just said yes. I remember his parents getting mad at him once when his older brother told them he was showing me innapropriate videos.
I started watching porn and sexual content when I was really young and I think this might've been the reason. I know this is nowhere near as bad as some of your experiences, but I just needed to tell this to someone.

No. 252131

14 is still a child, I'm saying it as someone who got hurt in the same way when I was 6, I believe I'd have reacted the same way and wouldn't be able to stop it if I were 14 either. You should get therapy and support, you sound like a very sweet person and I'd hate to know you can get hurt again. Also please learn to establish boundaries, this is a thing you can struggle with as I do to, which will only help abusers take advantage of you easier and we definitely don't want that. I hope things get better for you.

No. 252332

sorry for blogpost

how do i know if it’s sa or him just being affectionate?

when i was 15, my grandpa was drunk crying and told me to lie down on him to hug. i laid on top of him while he rubbed my back and neck. technically he didn’t touch anywhere inappropriate but i felt gross after it bc of how he touched and talked to me. i was wary of him from then on. eventually i found out he molested numerous (adult) women and had a disturbing porn addiction.

every time i reflect on this experience i get conflicted. is it confirmation bias skewing my view, or was he really just being a predator?

No. 252567

File: 1648607254982.png (14.88 KB, 205x220, 1403980923809.png)

>when I was 15
>told me to lie down on him to hug
>I laid on top of him while he rubbed my back and neck

Yeeaah, that's NOT appropriate behavior.

No. 254153

I was abused by a partner. It wasn't always coerced/non-consensual, but it seems like the memories of the consensual sex have been tainted too. I feel disgusted thinking about any of it, or about things relating to it at all. For example I showed off a dress to him and he said it looked really good, that it activated his monkey brain lol. I was young and thought it was flattering, please don't judge too harshly. It was consensual but now I have a strong aversion to wearing dresses. It just makes me think of that moment, and it makes me worry that other men think the same thing, "ooga booga woman sexy, must fuck" Is this irrational? Obviously I've developed an aversion to sex in general, but it feels a bit silly to be triggered by things like dresses or phrases. I'm going clothes shopping today and I feel super tense and I keep wanting to cry. I don't want to be attractive or sexy, I want to wear potato sacks and call it a day.

No. 254165

If it has affected you deeply enough to cause this response then it is in no way irrational or silly nona.
Coming to terms with what happened might help you though

No. 254176

The day before my first ever period I was molested by one of my most trusted relatives, only a few years older than me (roughly 16) I was 11/12.
Sometimes feels like my first period was a curse given down unto me because I didn't stop it sooner

No. 262164

How do you dig up memories and know for sure if something happened in your childhood? Otherwise if it's not the case, how do you get rid of fears that something did? I have some quirks that match others in this thread but zero memories of anyone doing anything. I don't mean to be disrespectful

No. 262221

You don't forget everything. It doesn't work like that.

No. 262231

Is anyone here aware that they were sexually abused but feel nothing about it? Or don't feel it's…serious? Like their mind would break? Or it doesn't really matter?
There are two situations in my mind where I was certain that were sexual abuse/assault.
My cousin, whose maybe 2-3 years older than me? I'm not sure. She's not even my real cousin by blood but my uncles wife's daughter, we grew up together. Anyway, I had to be very young 8,9 somewhere around there. We'd play "games" where we'd be mommy and daddy, and she'd hump me and get mad when I didn't do it right. One time I remember…well, licking her on the top of her..you know thing and she'd touch me like kiss me and all of that. Once her mother peeped in the room. It was dark and we were in bed playing under the covers. She peeped in and said something like, "What are yall doing? Yall playing?-" something that to this day made me feel like she KNEW what was up. My mom also told me something odd she'd do to my male cousin, that she told her to stop doing never said WHAT it was. Though I always assumed it was something a mother should'nt be doing to her son, I always connected it what happened to me and my cousin. I think my cousin may have..been touched by her mother or someone else and that was why she was doing it to me. I remember going over her house and she'd told me that she did what we did with another girl on her street. It's all so..so blurry. I literally have never talked about this before.

The second time was- I was in high school, 7th grade and a senior wanted to get with me. Basically they'd followed me downtown and then took me to a section where no one really was, it was two boys. One of them stuffed his hands down my pants. Like between my ass cheeks, I was nervous, scared and all I've done with the boy is put my lips around his penis head once and then stopped out of fear. I don't know if that was the same day or this happened way after that. I had issues with my hygiene and that day was hot, sticky and I had sweat between my ass cheeks so when he did that, he pulled his hand out and told me I needed to "Shower". They did walk me back to my bus stop, and when I got home I told my mom. Here's where things get blurry. I don't know if I told her i'd been raped or that something had happened, but I just remember talking to the police. I was really nervous playing with my hair and the officer flat out told me, "thats how i know you are lying", I guess I kept playing with my hair and I was nervous about the whole thing. I'd been a problem child for a while and very sheltered. Still another case of someone directly assaulting me and It not hitting me like I feel it should have. Like two boys way older then me cornering me downtown, stuffing his hand down my pants. However, I do not look at this situation as sexual assault. Just something that happened. Maybe if I hadn't wanted attention and had went with them it would'nt have happened. I've always did this back then, get boys attention but never go "all the way" with them. I'm more embrassed.

The third isn't something I'm sure about, but it's something I'll remember to this day-
I was young, not sure how young but my dad was still around which meant I could've been toddler aged or kid aged. I was sleeping on the floor at our home, and I woke up and I remember feeling like I'd been punched in my vagina. Of course I didn't think that "Oh my vagina hurts", but I still remember the feeling the pain. I woke up to my dad picking me up or telling me to get off the ground. I think I also peed myself. My dad ISn't a good guy. In fact, sometimes I wonder if my dad is capable of doing something to me and I can't say no with confidence. I also think my dad may have been an undercover gay, but that's a whole nother story. I wonder if I get my degen past ways from my dad. I've talked about it before but I used to be a coomer and I had a period in high school where I was VERY hypersexual. My mom seems grossed out by porn and all that. My dad was a man whore.

but yeah, everything but the last situation which isn't proven doesn't bother me much. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me. Someone calling me ugly hurts me more than the many times I've been sexually assaulted by people. Boys grabbing my butt, boys pulling their penises out to get me to interact with them etc. etc.

In high school, the first time I had sex with an boyfriend, firstly he tried to get me high. I don't know if it worked or not. His friend was in the room and he'd left for a long time afterwards. Leaving me under the covers with his friend in the room. He came back and was acting weird. They both walked me to the bus stop, the friend behind me and he was like, "Why you ain't do nothing with X" and I was like, "No, lol". He was serious though, and basically I felt I HAD to say, "yeah i'd do something with him" to make him happy. I know thats not assualt but it felt like it in a way. Really em brasses me how I let that happen. Whats funny about this is it didn't bother me until, I told another guy I was talking too about it. He got visually mad and was like, "My sister had somebody try to do that to her, get her high so some boys could run a train on here. It literally didn't hit me he was trying to get me high and how fucked up that whole situation it was until another boy (Senior, 17-18, I was 15-16) told me that it was fucked up

No. 262235

Didn't read your spoilers but for me it took a few years to process everything and then I spiraled hard.

No. 262269

I think ocd is causing the fears, sorry and thanks for the clarification.

No. 262463

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I'm sorry if this isn't in the relevant thread but it does link into sexual abuse and a lot of years of grooming from porn. I was hoping if someone could help me clarify what's going on in my head or just relate with experiences:

I was coerced into sex and sexual activities by my now ex-bf from the ages of 16-18, I was also a virgin so didn't have any sexual experience or knowledge before him. Whereas he was a bdsm/rape fantasy porn addict with sexual experience, I didn't have any irl experience but I did grow up in that era of when bdsm/daddy kink stuff was all over tumblr. I'm ashamed to say it but I was also a very edgy, lonely autistic pickme girl back then and looking back I'm certain I adopted those "kinks" just to get attention and validation from men - I have always suffered with feeling naive or just behind for my age mostly due to the autism so I think that was my way of fighting against it although I wasn't aware of the autism at the time.
He was really sexual and would give me the silent treatment or just treat me like I was a "boring prude weirdo" if I didn't entertain or simply want to do anything sexual with him so most of the time I would be zoning out and praying for it to be over while simultaneously performing whatever he wanted.

I do think this really cemented in my head that sex is a performance and that I need to be as "kinky or freaky" as possible or else he would basically just hint at fucking his female friends or just straight up send me pictures of pornstars and insta models. I was never physically forced but I was emotionally pressured and persuaded to say yes. He also eventually cheated on me anyway so that's that.
This was a while ago, but I am still contemplating the after-effects and struggles I still face with regards to my attitude towards porn and sex - when I first got with my current boyfriend (who is normal and respects consent) I was still under the impression that I had to perform for him or introduce kink and strange things that I currently find disgusting. I wanted to be choked or slapped and I am sat here now wondering if I ever truly did "enjoy" that or if it was all just a part of the masking performance during sex.
The thing is, when I have sexual fantasies it never includes those violent or typically degrading things - most of the time it's heated or romantic, just normal or sometimes with me in control. But when I do have sex it's like my brain panics and goes on autopilot to the default "male-pleasing" setting - that being wanting to perform and ask to be choked etc. I have never got pleasure from this, I've never orgasmed from all of this weird shit, I wish I could simply reset my brain or just understand what's actually going on here.

Is it possibly I've still got leftover performance issues from this previous abuse? I absolutely struggle with self-esteem and feeling attractive during sex too. From the abuse, I also developed vaginismus and a fear of fingers entering me. I now wonder if I overcompensated on these "kinky" things to make up for the fact I was made to feel sort of sexless, less than, prudish etc…I have been reading a lot into the dynamics of porn and how it leaks into real life relationships, and I feel like most of my experiences of sex have 100% been influenced by porn. None of it feels authentic, I have never known what it's like to completely relax during sexual encounters, and I feel like my pelvic floor was trying to tell me that all along, I just didn't know the words to describe it or acknowledge it.

No. 262986

I'd been estranged from my family since 2013 up until mid last year partially due to their defense of my brother after I came out and told them he had raped me for years, and partially because I was kept isolated by the predator i married at 16(now divorced!). Little by little I've been talking to my younger half-sis, and last week she and I were just chatting and she revealed that my dad never told her why I really left so I told her the truth. This caused her to open up as well and reveal that our dad has been up to his gaslighting ,rugsweeping, sack of shit machista shit because he's been covering up the fact that our grandfather raped her. It's like the man had a whole ass THIRD chance to do right by one of his fucking kids and he chooses to repeat the same mistakes. It makes me so fucking angry. Our brother raped me and dad assisted him in getting away with it. Our grandpa rapes her and he accuses her of lying, then switches tactics to "well he's old now, he probably doesn't even remember doing it." The men in my family can all die and rot. I want to help her get out so bad since my dad continues to bring that miserable excuse for a human around her but I live in the US and I'm barely scraping by, she's undocumented and lives with our dad in Mexico. The only good thing is that she just turned 18 and she's hoping to move with her bf soon. It boils my blood to know that they're getting away with it again and that she won't get any justice either.

No. 262988

I was raped and constantly coerced/groped by my first boyfriend as a teen and I never really saw it as such until years later when he called me to apologize about it. I saw other girls being open about their experiences and getting support/love/affection but I never had that. Instead I got weird emotionally and very depressed, causing me to lose all my friends because they said I was being annoying and to stop talking about my ex kek it’s not a big deal at this point in life but it’s crazy that I went through it and barely anyone knows.
Now that I think about it though I do have worse anxiety and mental issues after that time like panic attacks when people don’t listen to me in some situations because there were times I tried to make a scene in public to stop and no one intervened I guess. I don’t think it’s that bad though because I did like him at the time so it could’ve been worse honestly.

No. 263948

I was molested at 11 and now I despise being touched to an extent that everyone notices it and thinks it's funny to touch me to see my reaction. Back when I was in school, I was told to just get over it and that it was touching for fun, nothing else. I didn't know what trauma was back then, or a way to articulate my feelings. Now, even if a friend hugs me, my anxiety always thinks "what if they slide their hands under my clothes? what if they SA me?" It's stupid to assume that of everyone but emotional pain is a bitch.

No. 263990

I hate that I will have dreams about the male that groomed me. We talked for years. I did a lot of things that I didn't understand at the time or register as "sexual". I haven't talked to him again since high school (knew him since the beginning of middle school; there was a years difference), but I will have dreams about him and have the urge to contact. He's tried making attempts to contact me, multiple times, but I have ignored them and blocked. Sometimes I feel lonely and think maybe things have changed (my dreams like to make up a different reality of who he was and how he acted), but then I remember he mocked my situation (CSA survivor still stuck with abusive parents). And I remember all of the sick things that he made me do, and horrible things he would say. And now, as an adult, I cannot imagine being remotely attracted to a preteen or teenager. I hate that even years later, that you can still have dreams and thoughts about them.

No. 264008

I'm a strange case. I was raped at 15, and I felt absolutely nothing. I remember fighting him off, saying no, him leaving after having his way with me, and I remember the feeling of knowing I hadn't consented at all but simply just…not caring? I get mindblanks whenever people ask me about any stress responses about it. Like idk how I'm supposed to react. I've never cried or felt shame about it or any typical PTSD responses, I understand other survivors' pain and trauma and did even before I was raped but I can't feel anything myself. I just think of it as something that happened to me. What's wrong with me, I'll never know.

No. 264018

i had the same experience and reaction, anon. everyone deals with shit differently. it definitely affected me, but i have gone through so many awful things that when that happened i just didn't experience any of the "typical" responses. not sure what your history is like but i think for people who have dealt with extensive trauma, it's not uncommon.

No. 264023

I'm sorry for what you've been through nona. The problem is, I didn't go through extensive trauma as a child. I was emotionally abused and occasionally hit, but it wasn't anything as bad as the rape at 15. So I don't feel like I've been numbed out or that I didn't have typical responses due to previous trauma.
Maybe I have a neurodevelopmental disorder or something idk.

No. 264025

>Maybe I have a neurodevelopmental disorder or something
doubt neurodevelopmental disorders would make you feel nothing like that. usually they'd amplify the fear/emotional pain/stress responses.

No. 264302

Nothing makes me want to end it than seeing my former rapist now successful and happy while I'm here constantly terrified and permanently retarded to a degree. Prior to the rape, I was doing quite well, acing grades, happy with my job. Then I was reduced to pieces.
I couldn't keep up with anything from then on due to the trauma, I ended up dropping out of college, and now seeing him have the job I always dreamed of and could've had, as well as a girlfriend, I don't even know anymore.

No. 264304

Can't you report him? Do you have any solid proof?

No. 264307

I'm so sorry anon, you should never have to live trough this. What was your dream job ? There might still be a chance for you to reach it even if it takes you longer. Keep holding on nonnie, I believe in you and wish you the best. This song is always a good reminder that spite alone can help you trough hell.

No. 264308

Nope. I tried reporting to the college, but they said I had no video or audio evidence, and that it did not happen on campus so they basically wouldn't give a shit.
Aww, thanks for the song rec, and I was in law school, so something in that field would've been my dream job. A friend of mine says I can always enrol again, but that's not happening with the memories I get regarding anything slightly associated with the rape, or with my rapist.

No. 264310

>law school
Sorry if this is rude but how are you saying one and then the other?

No. 264312

It's ok anon, I get a lot of confusion about that online too. Over here "law school" is part of college, if you're doing a law degree in college then those terms are synonymous.

No. 264381

Any anons here feel forever sex-repulsed? It's definitely had an impact on my relationships because everyone I've been with has said "I understand" but I know they're not satisfied nor do they really understand. I feel like I could only have a relationship with another survivor at this point, but that's kind of messed up.

No. 264458

Yes. Even though I love my current bf so much the act if sex and all the feelings that come with it repulse me.

No. 264482

What sort of therapy works best for you? I've never really bothered seeking help for my problems because I never had time back then or felt like I had to deal with it myself. Now I have the chance to get therapy and I've heard that some forms of therapy should be taken prior to others, any advice anons?

No. 264909

your first story kind of make me think about my current issue.
It's not really SA but it kind of fucked me up recently.
when I was around 8 and my sister was 11 we were playing some couple and I remember her and I having sex agaisnt sex contact. I don't remember feeling sexual pleasure even tho I was able to masturbate at that age.
I have reflexe of defending myself when someone get close or I feel threaten, was talking about it with a childhood friend and she asked me if I remembered that my sister would beat me as a child and since we chated about it I have memory of stuff like the face and gesture she would make before hitting me.
Talked about the sexual thing with a psychologist and she told me at that age it could still very much be begnin sexual exploration. Even tho it's probably just that it kind of fucking me up because my sister was often protecting me publicly like a big sister at that age but she did those other stuff at the same time fucked me up.
I would need some help from nonnies who could tell me if our actual relation is kind of not normal in spoiler because I'm lost but at the same time I feel like I kind of hijack the thread.

kind of unrelated to the thread so I will spoiler it.
I know that she asked me when she was 19 how I masturbate because she was unable to do it sucessfuly herself. She his akward in a giggly way when people have a discution about sexual stuff. She never dated anybody and is probably a virgin at 24 but still play otome game and have like sexy husbando wallpaper. She id as asexual, bi and nb (she always had issues with herself because of bullying since she was clueless and is not conventionally attractive). I lived with her for 1 and a half year for college will she was a neet. It was very difficult for many reason, one of them was that she would get angry for stuff and then send me message to get something at the store will signing "I love you Lil sis" like nothing happened.
Some stuff that would disturb me was that that she would make remark about my body like I'm thicc etc, and when I said some sus posing in anime didn't meant the character where gay together because I would do the same with my best friend she asked me to do the pose later with her and said no she would be like " but you said you will do it with a bf!!! ". Also when we were on the street I would often grab her arm because I often havd nausea and balance issues and she would feel proud that people would look at us badly " this old dude stared at use, he probably think we are a couple", it happened all the time, worst was when she would make comment on me being lesbian on big family dinner even tho nobody was making direct comment about homosexuality or my dating life (I'm lesbian).

It kind of got bad because she would insist on going out with me every time I saw friends I was introduced trought a mutual, some friends the first times we met thinked we were a couple. It kind of got bad when I and some friends got tired of me bringing her with me every time they invite me, once I got to a restaurant without her because the friend didn't invit her and she could not eat the food there.She got all pissed of before I would go and the day after she cried that I should invite her still next time. Kind of weird because she would never do the same with her friends. She also is surprised when I would say our relation had issues.

Shit kind of hit the fan when the childhood beating resurfaced, I would get unable to concentrate when she would do noise or face that I remember she did before beating me. just hearing her in her room do noise gave me paranoia that she would bust out my door and beat me, esp when I'm sitting on my sofa because once she send me flying on a sofa by kicking me in the vulva super hard I had to keep layind down afterward. I don't think she remember it but she would not be able to handle me telling her she beated me since she got a massive panic attack from me mentioning some friend think she don't respect me when I'm with them. I told my parents about the beating but they don't remember a thing even tho they were there a lot of the time, luckily they didn't hit me or my sister but my sister have trauma from my dad being an autist with her.

I told my parents on how I wanted her to move out for a long time ( the flat we share is practical to go to my school and was supposed to be rented for college) obv I feel bad about asking to kick her out but it was kind of fucking with my education. Each time the ultimatum got pushed because she would try to get jobs and they did not want to disturb her. I had to insist and put an ultimatum of one week for her to find a flat just 2 weeks after I officialy said to her we could not live together anymore. It's fucked because to get the ok for the ultimatum I had a mental breakdown on the phone with my parents when my dad suggested again to find solution to live more peacfully together instead of her moving out like he suggested for the past year. I screamed at him that I didn't want to live with someone who had hit me and SAed me. Right after my mom asked about it and I said it was a very mild thing but tainted my relationship with my sister.

luckily my sister was not too angry at me for the ultimatum because she just would have liked that we where more transparent about it beforehand. She said to our parent that they always prioritised me and didnt care about her ( I got an autism diagnostic and stopped going to school an got deppression when she left for college so my parent would spend a lot of ressource on me, she at the time didn t understood why I was allowed not to go to school because she struggled too, she would get verbally abusive to me at the time when she would come back home ). I know all of that is seen trought my eyes so is not impartial but I feel like something is seriously wrong, esp the switching back and forth from my protecting older sister role to a tehehe akward teen who need my help to socialise to using me as a tool to look tot queer and validate her. I know I and my parents did a lot of wrong with the ultimatum and stuff and I'm grateful she is not too resentful and understand I need to be alone to study. I feel like shit for seeing her like that but the whole relation seems anormal to me. sorry for the big post but I need help understand things from other peoples perspective and experiences.

No. 265339

does it ever get better? even just a bit better? ive pretty much lost all faith in humanity after my assaults. I've been talking about it in therapy for a while but I don't know what im doing wrong.

we were both 15 and in the same year at school. we were friends but after what happened he wasn't a friend to me at all and was manipulating and grooming me the whole time. he said awful things to me and touched me in front of my friends and classmates. he'd wait outside of my class just to try and touch me. he became obsessed with me and followed me home i was so scared the whole time. it didn't matter if i screamed or how many times i told him no he didn't care and even found it amusing. i shouted at him to leave me alone over and over while some other students were around us and no one even batted an eyelid. my friends stayed with him after they knew what he did because i guess he was funny and nice enough to them and "didn't want to take sides". people in my year knew and it was spread around like gossip. i cut myself off from everyone. my school didn't care after i told them about it and my headmaster questioned my memories of the events. i don't understand why people were so cold to me and didn't care, people that i thought were my friends. i really wish i just had someone there for me. my family were there for me and im very glad of that but it was hard since both of my parents were divorcing and having their own issues with trauma so i kept it to myself mostly. i wish just had a normal teenage life instead i was scared all the time and i isolated myself, i was just coping through everything and i'd do anything to redo that part in my life so it didn't cause me so much pain

i feel different after what happened now that i'm not in the place i was traumatised in every day. but i just feel kind of dull and numb now. sometimes it's still hard for me to go out because of certain reminders and one of the places where i was assaulted is near where i live. ive built up some confidence since the event and im trying to place blame where it belongs. it's still hard and i hate it. ive missed certain milestones for my age due to the abuse and I just feel ashamed when people judge me for it, it's not like i can explain to them what happened in order for them to understand. every year around November i just fall to pieces mentally. ive pretty much thought about what happened everyday. i really wish i could find someone who loves me and for me to love them back, for it to be safe and real. the guy who molested me was the only guy i know of who was ever interested in me, i don't know if i can bring myself to get close to anyone i don't know if anyone would even want me. im still paranoid about most men. i just feel really broken and i don't know how to fix myself. idk why im posting about this but i just want to be heard. i hate how your life can be ruined in a few mere seconds all because if someone's selfishness.

No. 270220

whenever i use the toilet, i always get intense intrusive sexual thoughts and feel stressed and scared. its usually something like,"you stupid whore you should just die"
im wondering if anyone else has experienced this. or if this is a common experience among sexual abuse victims.

No. 270229

When I saw the title of the thread, I came here to post something like this. When I think about it, it was probably my dad. He was caught cheating in our house when I was younger, harassed teen girls and he was a peeping tom. Basically an all around sex pest. All of my mom's family really hated her and I think it makes sense if it was because she got with my dad. They also kept me away from their kids and excluded me from everything. I remember getting getting questioned by school counselors and CPS when I was young but I couldn't remember anything. I used to have intrusive sexual thoughts when I was around him or older men growing up. He left when I became a teenager. After that, my mom's boyfriends tried to molest me and she said it was my fault. I feel like if I tried to ask her if it happened, she'd just tell me I liked it or something equally deranged.

No. 270232

I just told my husband about getting sold for heroin while him and I were still married. I’m a heroin addict, though I’ve been clean for almost a year because of this incident.
> living without parents, husband living with a friend
> get kicked out of friends house in another city for getting too drunk while playing dnd
> meet some cholo outside of a gas station
> relapse and go on h and meth bender
> cholo gives me fetty at his dealers house
> cholo let’s me get gang banged for payment
> too high to fight back
> goes on for a week of him making me suck dick and rewarding me with some fetty or h when I start to withdraw
> finally escape to an emu while we’re out walking to some junkies house one day
Nonas, I feel so disgusting and like it’s my own fault. I feel like my husband doesn’t see me the same even though he’s only been comforting about it. I caught chlamydia from it and still haven’t told my husband about that. I got treated, but it feels so gross. I can barely even type about it to strangers…

No. 270233

Emt* not emu

No. 270235

A shitty side effect of what I went through: just realizing I get dressed as quick as possible no matter what. I remember as a kid prioritizing what as more to important to dress faster, the top or the bottom? I was always worried about being intruded on.

No. 270294

what the fuck… and your husband hasn't divorced you yet? He should.

No. 270702

how the fuck do you resolve your trauma from sex? my first ex boyfriend used to continue going and lied to me that men have needs to get off. then i dated another guy who would stop whenever and didn't need to finish, he basically told me that my ex was lying and it retraumatized me for some reason. i guess up until that point i really thought my first ex genuinely needed to use my body but hearing that from another guy like… shattered me. have any of you had that experience? my second ex was way better but i was too traumatized from that first relationship and he couldn't handle it.

i also didn't know but i have trauma or reactions to a guy's hand anywhere near my ex because my first ex used to try and choke me even though i told him it was off limits. not to mention he kept fucking me when i cried and told him to stop and liked to fuck me in places where other men were (like my dad's hotel room, his brother's bed). i just haven't processed all this and it's kind of concerning to me that he has a gf that he's been with longer than he was with me. i seriously worry for her but i dont think i should reach out, idk.

No. 270775

my older brother who's autistic af molested me on multiple occasions when i was a kid and he was a teen. we're much older now but he is extremely emotionally volatile and immature and in recent years he tried bringing it up to me to soothe his guilt and begging me not to tell anyone. one of these occasions was while our mom was in hospice, literally days away from dying. i hate him. i don't think i can ever talk to him ever again, but i also can't explain to my other siblings why i want nothing to do with him. there's a lot more to the family dynamic than what i can convey at the moment, but yeah this shit makes me wanna die.

i have also been molested and sexually abused by multiple people before and since then and i really feel hopeless that i can ever have a normal sexual relationship.

No. 272346

there was a girl in my old therapy group who was there only briefly after i joined, so i never learned much of her story, but i think she had a similar experience to you nonna. she mentioned having been molested by her (autistic?) brother and having to navigate a family dynamic where she still fucking lived at home. it really breaks my heart that it has happened to more than one woman but last time i remember seeing her she talked about having started a job she wanted and was working on separating herself from her narc mom and brother. i hope that encourages you a little, it can get better.

No. 272347

sage for samefagging but i wanted to reply to your post too, the question of how you get over sexual trauma is a loaded one because it depends on what your current resources/social support network looks like and your own personal willingness to confront it. i couldn’t really tell from your post but it sounds like you’re in contact with your ex still in some way? im sure you realize this but that has to end, like fully end, no social media contact or anything. i really dont recommend you reach out to the girl. a) it would absolutely trigger you and b) she has to make that decision on her own.

No. 272384

thanks anon, i appreciate your kind words. thankfully i am fully independent and live on my own. when i still lived at home i hardly even acknowledged that it had ever happened, like it was buried so deeply in my psyche i almost believed it was just some bad dream, until he finally brought it up with me while our mom was literally dying.

i've also been realizing lately how traumatizing other things he did were. the daily autistic meltdowns and tantrums he'd had that were sometimes violent were scary as hell to me as a child. he'd still have them while he was well into his 20s and i was a teenager (he still lived at home). the molestation only happened when i was a kid though, it wasn't ongoing.

currently i'm not in any contact with him or my dad, as of a few weeks ago. my dad is a narcissist which is a whole other story. he sucks really bad. the two of them are in a super toxic enmeshed relationship. they live together and my brother is my dad's caretaker because he's very old and sick at this point. my dad emotionally abuses my brother while he's literally being cared for by him and my brother makes excuses for and enables his bullshit. i feel really guilty about it because my dad is in such poor health, and guilty that my brother has to take on the brunt of caring for him, but i simply can't deal with either of them. they are so enmeshed they are essentially a fucked up little package deal the two of them. if i have contact with either of them i have to deal with emotional abuse from my dad and i get thrust into an emotional caretaking role for the brother who molested and traumatized me as a child.

i thought i would eventually get to some place where i'm self actualized enough to have them in my life but have such firm boundaries that none of it gets to me, but i don't think it's actually possible. it's really hard to come to terms with, there's so much guilt and grief.

thankfully my sister and my other brother are understanding even if they don't know the whole story. i haven't let on that there's anything more to it and i don't know if they can ever know the whole story, it just seems like such a burden to throw on them to tell them the whole truth. and the ramifications of what happened as a child really created this self image of me where i am a disfigured monster, which makes it difficult to even talk about it with anyone, which i am working really hard on. basically it sucks. i have a wonderful therapist though who is extremely helpful. thank you if you actually read all of this lol. it's cathartic to write it all out.

No. 272386

sorry to samefag but another thing that's been making me wanna die is that currently my other brother is planning to live with autistic brother once our dad dies (could be soon could be years from now no one really knows) and i don't think i could handle that…i think it would end up making it really difficult to have contact with my other brother. it's so fucking alienating, the whole system is so dysfunctional even if i get along with my other siblings i still feel genuinely estranged from my whole family like i have this terrible dirty secret. our mom was the only thing really holding everything together and when she died all of it fell apart. it was still dysfunctional as fuck before that but my siblings (not my dad lol) all held it together to help our mom who was sick for years

No. 274422

i just wanted to let you know that i read your posts nonna. i read them a while back and forgot to reply. i wish i could give you advice but everyone in this thread has experienced something different, no two experiences are perfectly alike… but i noticed one thing in your post about not wanting to burden your siblings with what happened to you. i understand that, but are you sure they aren’t strong enough to share it with you? maybe they are. maybe you don’t have to do it alone. the ironic thing is that in some ways you might be the healthiest person in your family. youre in therapy and youre at least trying to process these things, even though it feels insurmountable, im proud of you nonna.

No. 275665

i just want to get this off my chest anonymously because i feel like such a drama queen and j don’t want to be that irl… but i want to ask my mom if something happened to me when i was a young kid, bc some things happened between me and an adult man when i was a teenager and maybe i just want to blame my gullibility and bad decision making on something else. but something just doesnt feel right. i dont know where i learned to just let people touch me, i dont know why i started to like the things i liked at such a young age where no one ever put those thoughts in my mind. my parents were great and taught me to say no, to have high self esteem, etc. but for instance i am so uncomfortable with one of my family members hugging me/showing physical affection even though he’s never given me anything except security. i wonder if something happened when i was little and i associated it with the wrong person subconsciously. my neighbor friend was molested for years by our neighbor boy and i remember playing with him too just no memories of being touched. i had some unhealthy behaviors as a little kid that i dont think were normal for my age (restricting, self harming) and i guess im just wanting to attribute them to something. something feels like its missing. i just have a hard time believing that those experiences as a teenager with someone i loved and who never technically touched me could have corrupted my sexuality this badly. i hate what its become and im ashamed of the things that ive found arousing in the past. im so ashamed. i never wanted to be like this and i cant even call myself a feminist because the things that have turned me on in the past are always situations where someone violated my boundaries. idk where that comes from, I started feeling that way even before i was introduced to porn so fuck. i dont know anymore

No. 280147

Old ass post and I'm probably getting major shit for saying this but this sounds off. I'm probably uneducated or something but what sort of drug forces you to rub some guy's dick, your ex probably thought you were cheating on him.
If this is a legitimate story godspeed but this just reads as a fanfiction or, deflecting responsibility or I'm missing something. We don't make excuses for cheating while drunk, and to me it feels as though you had the opportunity to at least resist and you didn't take it because arousal or whatever. Now don't get me wrong those frat guys are horrible people nonetheless but I can't be the only one finding the anon questionable. Anyways ngl if I were the anon's ex I'd also feel very betrayed, that is if a coomer didn't write that post

No. 282055

I was raped last night, i got raped a year ago too and sexually abused by my step dad. Where am i going wrong?? Why am i a target for abuse? Am i unworthy of respect? Honestly i just feel like a retard.
I cant really think clearly right now, im still in shock

No. 282079

you're not a retard nonna and im so sorry that you had to go thru this, you dont deserve it. please reach an irl support group as soon as possible, venting on internet isnt a lot to get the support you need, what you need is a social support therapy group, and i hope you can find one, i wish you the best. talk with your friends too so they can give you the endless amount of care and support that you need, do not feel ashamed to talk with them about this. and please next time take some pepper spray, deodorant, pair of scissors, just to defend yourself if you get assaulted.

No. 283286

psychfags I need your opinions and input

tldr was having sex with my bf in a position that happened a lot with my ex and was similar to the time he raped me, I start crying, we stop, he asks what's wrong I can't answer i just say I'm sorry so he stops asking and just comforts me, holds me tells me it's not my fault and that it's okay, a few times he says this and it's like a switch was flipped and I immediately stop sobbing and say "Yeah I know! :D". I start speaking in shorter sentences and my voice goes higher, feels like I got dumber or something, like i wasn't completely there. it's not like i forgot what just happened but it was like i couldn't grasp onto it. it was there but I wasn't seeing it. it felt better to just go stupid. I don't know i don't know how to explain it. it was weird. especially because I've done that position with my bf before and it didn't trigger me like it did this time. and going all childlike disturbed me after the fact as well. idk sorry for being retarded but

what the fuck was that

No. 283288

Get men out of your life. Don't depend on men to fill a void in your life. Don't give a man an inch, because he'll take a mile.
For your safety, for your happiness, you may have to take drastic measures. But you deserve that security and happiness. Live on the strength of yourself, and in trustworthy women. Protect yourself, RESPECT yourself, if no one else will.

No. 283294

Lesbian vent that I can’t talk about on normie websites bc then I’m transphobic

I was sold around a lot as a kid. Mostly to men, because they paid the most. Because of this, I have a horrible repulsion of penises. They disgust me so much, it genuinely makes my skin crawl. If it’s irl, I will have a flashback, and I will actually panic and try to leave that room. Therapist says it’s a trauma response. I’ve gotten a lot of help for it, but irl dicks freak me out so bad.

I naturally became a lesbian. I feel closer to women, and even though women have hurt me, I feel less afraid, and I don’t have to live in constant fear of their genitals when I’m with them. I’ve been out as a lesbian since I was 14. And since I’m a zoomerfag, I had very early internet access

I met this super hot girl, 10/10, absolute beauty queen at 16. She was 18, but that’s only a two year age difference. I met her irl, and we drank together. We were about to get sexy, and she says she has a gf who would like to join. Being the hyper sexual 16 year old I was, I gladly accepted another woman

The fucking ugliest, fattest, most disgusting woman I’ve ever seen enters the room. Idk her age, but she had to be 30+. Whatever, I could just close my eyes and ignore her. She whips it out, and it turns out he’s a troon. Panic response, tried to bolt. They roofied me, I didn’t make it to the door. I couldn’t move, but I wasn’t knocked out, I felt everything, and it was terrible. New trauma formed.

To this day, I have a hard time accepting trannies. I don’t go to open lesbian spaces. I’m cursed to live somewhere super liberal, they’re in every single lesbian space. And they will actively try and flirt with me, and I’m disgusted by them. But if I say anything, I get ragged on because I’m transphobic for not liking their nasty crusty girldick.

I’m sick of explaining and trying to tell people why I’m so uncomfortable around these men, but I’m labeled as a Terf. I have no safe space irl anymore. It’s lonely and it fucking sucks

TLDR: Tranny with dick raped me when I’m literally afraid of penis. I hate trannies in lesbian spaces. I get ostracized for not wanting to date one. I have nowhere else to tell this to, because even my therapist says I have to get over my “internalized transphobia”

No. 283301

Get a new therapist ASAP. Someone who is supposed to treat trauma would not bring SJW politics into your literal trigger. A man abused you, period. Also, while being 2 years apart is a nonissue if it's both adults (like 20 and 22), the real woman who was 18 statutory raped you. I'm so sorry this happened, I've known too many lesbians abused by TIMs and they went through the same process of being triggered by ones who call themselves "lesbians" and try to be in their spaces.

Have you considered looking into some radfem online groups? You can make a throwaway account and message Kittyit on Tumblr, she runs a private support group for this. Personally I don't completely agree with radfems opinions, but in the past they were one of the few who accepted that I wasn't ok with penis or thought TIMs who liked women are lesbians.

No. 283305

I'm just armcharing here but it sounds like a coping mechanism. Maybe something other than the position reminded your brain and body of the assault (maybe lighting or noises or smell?). You are not over what happened if you could not bring yourself to tell your bf, and it sounds like the childlike state was a way for your brain to distance itself from reliving such a traumatic experience. I'm not much of a psychfag, this is just some lay-anon's opinion. I'm sorry that happened, nonnie. I wish you all the best and I hope you can heal from your trauma in due time.

No. 283525

I had a little bit to drink beforehand so I think that might be what did it it's gross sorry but my ex used to joke that "usually there's resistance but your ass opens right up when you're tipsy :)" and he did end up anally raping me my bf knows what happened as I've told him over text before but I realized I've never told anyone about it out loud so yeah clearly not over it

i don't know if I should be indulging in this coping mechanism but it just feels nice, I've started collecting some small toys in a box to fiddle with when i'm overwhelmed or just need a break. I genuinely feel happier when I "let myself go" like that

thank you nona

No. 283630

I don't have anything useful to add unfortunately but that was downright horrific, I'm so sorry you went through that nonna

No. 283814

I also don't have anything constructive to add other than I really hope you're able to heal one day Nona, even if it's marginal, I truly hope you feel some peace.

No. 284847

My friend passed away a few months ago and her boyfriend, who has aspergers which explains his autistic tendencies, has been flirting and touching me. I was dumb to let it happen and let it lead to him having sex with me even though I'm not into casual sex but it felt good at first. He would say there's sexual tension between us even though he has told me before that he isn't sexually attracted to me and I feel 0 attraction for him. There's lots of stuff about him that I am put off by, like how his breath smells like cigarettes and how dirty his teeth are, but I feel like I have to be there for him for my friend.

I took a break from seeing him and was seeing a guy I'm interested in, who's also interested in me, it made me realise that I dont want casual sex with the boyfriend. I want to stay exclusive to the guy I'm interested in even if we aren't dating.

Spoiling this section but I went over to the boyfriend's house to help him clean my friend's stuff. While I was there he had his way with me, sitting ontop of me to stop me moving, pulling me closer, pushing me to give head. He would also bite me and want to inflict pain on me while telling me he has dark fantasies. I kept on telling him no but he kept on putting it back in saying that he didn't hear me say no or saying that I sounded like I wanted more… I was okay at first after it all but then it triggered my memory of when I lost my virginity, the guy guilt tripped me even though I physically and verbally said no. It was the same friend who told me it was rape what happened to me back then.

Anyways because of that situation, I feel too uncomfortable to go over to my friend boyfriend's place even though I want to finish sorting through my friend's stuff. I don't really have any close female friends to go over there with and I dont feel comfortable opening up to anyone about what happend. I probably feel like this because of my previous experience of having rumours spread about me and being brushed off. I'm hoping to speak about it to my therapist though I only got 3 more sessions left. I also asked the boyfriend about why doesn't he find himself a sex friend instead and he said that I'm easy and fun… I honestly would like to completely cut him off but I honestly don't know what he would do, so for now I'm going to distance myself from him and not go over to his anymore. If I continue to let this happen he might end up seriously hurting me and this already has such a mental toll on me.

No. 284861

It's called age regression. You probably won't find many good resources on it/support groups/testimonials because the term has been co-opted and overrun by DDLGfags, but maybe there is some decent psychological literature out there. I know that some therapists purposefully induce age regression behaviour as a part of reparenting therapy where the doctor stands in for a parent, but this is highly controversial. Also not all reparenting involves actual age regression or therapist/parent role play/substitution. The overlap of terms is needlessly confusing so sorry if I haven't explained it well.
Anyways there's nothing wrong with playing with toys to calm down. Just be careful about infantilising yourself and retreating from the real world to indulge in your baby fantasy. You also need real legitimate help for your trauma. Best of luck to you anonita

No. 284863

He's a bad boyfriend and you're a bad friend. So gross. Your friend was better off dying than being with fakes like you two.

What's he's done is disgusting and I'm sorry for that. Stay away from him for your safety.

No. 284882

You’re fucking your dead friends boyfriend, and you’re saying it’s because she “would want you to be there for him?” Cope harder. Being there for someone and fucking them are very different, that’s pretty fucked up. He sounds awful.

No. 284884

>it felt good
>casual sex with her boyfriend
God damn this is fucked up. I suggest requesting police to join you while you sort through your friend's boyfriend's cock things (if you're a burger, idk if police do this in other countries) if he really did force himself on you. It sounds like consensual sex though and you're on a heavy dose of copium in order to absolve yourself of this disgusting behavior. I feel so bad for your friend who didn't have a true friend or boyfriend, may she RIP.

No. 285003

This guy sounds like a major freak and a predator. Cut him off and treat him like a predator, even if he was your friend's bf. Idk if you're a naive person but this sounds more like sexual coercion than consensual sex. Like another anon said, see if the police would come with you to go through your friend's stuff, if that's really important to you. If not, I would avoid anything to do with your friend since her bf is such a fucking creep. Please talk about it in therapy and stop having casual sex.

No. 285031

clearly she didn't mean that much to you since you fucked her boyfriend a few months after she died. damn dude you're seriously fucked, you don't deserve female friendship. talk to the cops and stay in therapy.

No. 285889

My cousin and I were talking about weird scars, and how we got them. One of the weirdest scars I have is on that piece of skin on the taint, close to the vagina, and I got it by not being careful while shaving. It's a pretty funny story, one that I love to make jokes about. But she didn't laugh. She got super serious and asked me if I really knew how I really got that scar.

I really did get one from shaving, but she told me I have another one, that's been there longer. I don't check myself down there super often, but I was curious about what she had to say. She told me that I got that scar from stitches, because I was torn there. I asked how I was torn, and she told me that her friends dad raped me.

She told me that he was a nice guy, pillar of the community. He was a volunteer in his daughter and my cousins girl scout troop. His family was super happy, my cousin grew up with them. He loved me as a baby, because I was super cute, even as a newborn (we all know newborns are kinda ugly, but I wasn’t(. He would ask to babysit me all the time, but my mom had postpartum anxiety, and never let strangers babysit.

During my mom's birthday weekend, we had a big party at our house, and she carried me everywhere. But I got super fussy, so she put me down for a nap in my nursery. About an hour later, my cousin went inside and heard me screaming. Babies scream and cry a lot, but there was something different about this one. She went into the nursery and caught the man doing it.

I went to the hospital, and tore about 2 cm of my skin, and needed stitches. My mom told the family to never speak of this incident, unless I came out about remembering it first. I asked my cousin how old I was, and since my mom's birthday is only a month after mine, I was only a month old. She said he never did anything to her, or his own children. It was just me.

I don't remember anything. I never even noticed the scar. But I just checked now, and what might have been 2cm of a scar before is now about the size I expected it to be. I'm mortified. I just learned that, before I could even lift my head, I was assaulted in the worst way possible. I feel terrible, violated, and disgusting. I went to my mom crying, but didn't tell her the reason why.

My parents don't know what I know. I'm sitting next to my mom right now. I feel worse for her than I do for me. At least now, as a 21 year old, I don't remember anything. Should I keep this to myself? What would I even gain by telling her that I know? But I've always told my mom why I'm upset, and we worked it out together. But I don't know if I can unleash that trauma of her baby being assaulted on her again. She’s a tough woman, but I’m her soft spot. I can’t even imagine what memories would be triggered if I vent to her.

If this sounds familiar, I sperged about it on Reddit, but got scrote comments asking to see the scar because “it could just be a shaving nick” I hope all men die.

No. 285891

Honestly, your cousin sounds sick in the head and I would distance yourself. That's not some shit you just tell someone when you are talking about silly stories.

No. 285900


Im very conflicted on this. I know it was definitely out of pocket for her to tell me. But also, I’m sort of grateful that she was the one who told me. We are very close, and we were in private, so it’s not like she revealed this in front of a bunch of people. I honestly think she had good intentions, but just bad timing.

She’s probably also a little traumatized from the same incident, since this is the same cousin who walked in on the scene. She was 8 years old, and I’d imagine witnessing something like that at such a young age was probably scary for her. And then having to keep it a secret from the victim for years. Id feel extremely guilty keeping that secret from someone, as an adduct. It was probably even worse of a moral dilemma for a kid who hasn’t even left middle school.

I honestly think that this entire event was traumatic for everyone involved, but I’m the one who’s just learning about it. They’ve had two decades to process this event that they witnessed. It happened to me, and I only found out last week. I haven’t mentioned anything to my mom in fear of hurting her, but she’s watching my mental state deteriorate and has no idea how to help

No. 285902


*adult not adduct smh typos

No. 285903

So much needless hostility in this thread. Smells like moids probably lurking for fap material
I think you should confide in your mom when you're ready. Maybe she's been waiting for the day when she could finally talk it through with you, you never know until you try. Either way she's your mom and she loves you, the memory won't kill her or make her hate you, and she's had 2 decades to cope and move on. Meanwhile you've had what, a few days? I think she'd really be an indispensable resource for you in this situation. But again, no rush. Take your time. And of course I am very sorry to hear what happened to you. It's a truly horrifying story and I wish you all the best as you come to terms with this past that was hidden from you.

No. 285905

I can't even process this post, I've no words. Supremely and immensely fucked up, I hope you heal from this shit
This anons has the right idea, maybe your mom already mentally prepared herself for this outcome

No. 286036

Does anyone have a hard time coping with sexual triggers that are considered "vanilla" sex? I've talked about it with my current therapist but I was mostly just told I'm allowed to have boundaries, but that's not really useful when just seeing people talk about engaging or enjoying a certain form of sex that triggers me can cause a panic attack, same with the stress that comes with the expectation that my next partner will want to do these things. Should I just stay in therapy and use these things as "exposure therapy" until I get over it?

No. 286174

Uh, what? I just think it's fucked up her cousin would reveal that.

I was raped and abused for basically most of my childhood and through my adulthood until I learned that I had to stop myself continuing the cycle by looking for people who would abuse me. I would not tell someone if I knew they were abused and they weren't aware. Why? Because it leads to crisises like the one OP is in. She is for all intents and purposes, a normal person, that is, until she learned about her abuse. It'd different being abused and remembering it and being directly affected it versus just knowing about it as an adult and now being affected. I would rather spare someone from the latter.

No. 286665

A few years ago my long term (at the time) boyfriend raped me after I had a self harming episode. He promised it would make me feel better and I begged him to stop but he wouldn’t. I don’t know why but for so long I didn’t think anything of it but now recently I can’t get it out of my head and I feel so sick all the time. I don’t know what to do I just want to forget it ever happened. I can’t even look at those scars without remembering.

No. 286781

I never understood how people do this past reinterpretations, so when you liked him you were very happy and liked it, now you say like oh I totally hated it. The ridiculous part is how people never break up with their partners after these supposedly traumatic events.
>t. virgin femcel who hates all men

No. 286785

>never break up
Lol, this isn't true. Massive amounts of people get out of bad situations all the time. I'd be surprised if you weren't a man.

No. 286795

kek don't worry anon, that post was not for you but op kek my bad

No. 286807

Did you miss the part where I said I begged him to stop? And I didn’t think much of it at the time because I was so blinded by the abuse in the relationship. You cunt.

No. 286808

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Please don't mind that person (likely a male, let's be real). They're obviously being cruel just to get a reaction, what a sad existence.

No. 286954

>blinded by the abuse
You are an adult, not a little girl, these excuses are lame

No. 286963

TIL adults recognize abuse within seconds of it occurring, regardless of past traumas that could cloud their judgement and psychological manipulation or gaslighting coming from the abuser

No. 287587

I was groomed from ages 13-18 and I feel like I'm finally finding love again nonnas. He has me kicking my legs and giggling KEK. I've never been allowed to have a crush or whatever so it is a big deal for me even if it is normal for most people.
I hope everyone in ITT can heal as well, if this one turns out to be creepy I'm gonna be single forever though kek.

No. 287658

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you nonny!

No. 288314

A year more and I won't be able to proceed legally agaisn't my agressor due to the statute of limitations.
I don't even knwo if I want to do it, it just seems so unfair that he's out there living like a kig thanks to his daddy money, and even has a wife and kids. I had an abortion last year, couldn't deal with the idea of not having control over my body, kept having suicidal thought before I did the procedure, and still barely managed to not be checked into a psych ward. That's how fucked up he left me, that's how badly he ruined my life. It's been almost 15 years and I still have nightmares, I still have panic attacks, and sometimes I'm still scared of going outside in case I even have to make eye contact with him.
I hate that going legal is basically all I have. Bet he's gonna get all hid thanks to his dad money and influence. Bet I'm just gonna get questioned, harrassed, and traumatized even more with the process. And for what? What guarantee do I have that he will pay?
Worst of all is that he keep doing it after me, multiple girls, all underage and way younger than him, just like I was. He's gonna keep doing it, and any of us that decided to acuse him is going to be treated the same. I hate this. My whole body feels like a crime scene. I gained weight, and I'm scared that I haven't tried to lose it is cause I don't want to have the same body I had when he abused me. I don't want to look in the mirror and ask myself if this was how I looked to him.
I don't think I will ever get better, I really don't. I just feel so powerless

No. 288316

Yes. I dislike certain positions because of this. My husband is the complete oposite of my abuser, and I've often wondered if that's the reason.
I also HATE the smell of male perfume because of it. Can't tolerate it, I get anxious if someone passes by smelling strongly like men perfume or deodorant.

No. 288356

When I was young I was molested by a girl who was two years older than me. I never told anyone because it felt too weird, and I don't think I will because what good can come of it now? She was more than likely being molested if she thought that was a normal thing to do and I don't want to speak up and ruin her life over this

No. 288366

You should shut your mouth if you have no fucking idea what you’re saying. You have no experience and don’t know shit. It is the most common psychological reaction to have, to process trauma only years after it happened.

No. 290634

My parents divorced when I was a toddler, I was living with my mother, with visits from my dad. When I was 6, mom got a boyfriend, he was not violent physically or verbally, but he was cold. A few weeks passed, and he started to be inappropriate with me, a few months later he started abused me with pencils (forcible penetration with a foreign object) while he masturbated. My mom knew of the abuse. I told my dad, and he called the authorities and I was put in his custody. I don't know what happened to them, since I was too little to know, and as an adult it would make me feel uncomfortable to ask my dad.

My dad is a good enough person for a moid, but growing up without female figures really fucked me up. When I was younger, I was needy towards my friend's moms and my (female) teachers. I do not feel comfortable around men, specially alone, and I repressed my sexuality as a teenager. To this day, whenever I masturbate, the face of that monster will flash for a second and kill my mood.

No. 290669

you can try to file a civil suit. honestly would probably scare him and his daddy more, plus less ability for the bullshit "justice" system to side with and protect him.

No. 299268

Alright I need an opinion again

>break up with bf

>he has an emergency and needs somewhere to stay for a few days, i feel bad and let him
>plan to have him sleep on the couch and just avoid him
>he gets here very early in the morning and has been driving for hours, so he hurts physically on top of being very depressed due to fucked up things happening to him right after the breakup
>cry, hug him, tell him i'm glad that he's okay and let him sleep in my bed. Nothing happens
>get high with him that night, he goes to put his arm around me, asks if it's okay
>tell him no, that it wouldn't be fair to him, and apologize for being physically affectionate that morning even if i had been very worried about him
>he pulls back and goes "are you sure?" referring to the breakup i assume
>it's his first time being high in a safe setting and i'm retarded and feel bad about "ruining it" for him. Tell him we can think about it later and let him cuddle me
>he gets progressively more touchy-feely, softly tells me that we can do whatever i'm comfortable with and think about it later
>he's stroking my arm, my hair, my face, he looks into my eyes and i can feel he's going in for a kiss. He asks if it's okay and i turn away and shake my head
>he says it's okay and just holds me for a bit
>i think being high made him more easily aroused. goes to kiss me again, says we can do everything like normal and think about it later, i just start shaking, i'm not good with boundaries, i was quite high, and i've been incredibly tired, worried, stressed, and confused emotionally
>he kisses me and it leads to (unsafe) sex
>try to act like everything's normal the next morning but feel bad about what happened and try to have a serious conversation about it
>tell him i'm really sorry for going along with it, that it was cruel of me and unfair to him for me to do
>he says that everything has been unfair to him so what's one more thing
>he wants closure so i go over my reasons for breaking up with him
>feels like no matter what i say he can't accept it and is trying to fight me on it and get me to change my mind
>tell a friend about what happened while i'm at work, they say i got taken advantage of
>get home, ex sadly asks "what are we doing?" i tell him my mind is made up, he asks "then why all of this?" I guess referring to the sex and my sympathy hugs
>shut down completely, can't really move and go nonverbal, i guess it was dissociating? Idk
>i manage to get myself up and to the couch to sleep there
>he follows me and keeps touching my arm and trying to get me to go to my bed, saying he wont leave until i do. it feels like i physically can't talk to tell him to stop so i just get up and go to bed
>He follows me, i don't want him to sleep in my bed but i just go to sleep anyway. i want the situation to be over
>can't talk the next day either, go to work, tell another friend, they call it rape
>i reach my limit and make him leave, he cries a lot, leaves stuff behind that is very important to him for me to "keep safe" when i'm not looking
>says he won't contact me until i contact him first
>he texts me that he's going inpatient at a crisis center
>i feel so incredibly guilty over everything

Now we're here. I'm tired anons, if i'm not crying myself to sleep i'm crying when i wake up. i'm so, so tired

No. 299270

Anon. If you feel you can’t say no it’s not okay. It’s never okay. He shouldn’t have pushed it. He’s overstepping your emotions and it’s fucked. He sounds like one of those men that think drunk sex isn’t rape. Please block him

No. 299279

What exactly happened to him where he ended up at your place?

No. 299282

this thread convinced me to never be alone with a moid

No. 299284

Not important point is I'm a retard that felt bad for him and believed him when he said he had nowhere else to go

No. 299288

You’re not a retard. He’s a lying manipulative jelly fish who took advantage of your feelings and cordiality for his own fucked up benefit.

No. 299300

Did he ever have any instances of trying to force himself on you during the relationship? Did you leave him because of him being abusive? Did he seem like the type to rape someone?

No. 299312

No, no, and no

No. 299314

Do you feel like he would have intentionally taken advantage of someone else given the same or similar circumstances? When he did mess up or get into an argument with you did he try to brush it off and ignore things or did he acknowledge what was wrong then try to fix it. If he treated you well in all regards and you didn't break up over anything physical it could just be a misunderstanding. If it wasn't intentional and it was a genuine misunderstanding it's probably adding onto whatever else is going on and pushing him past the edge if he realizes it. If he genuinely cared and didn't mean to hurt you in that way it's likely killing him inside thus the crisis center.

No. 299321

NTA but please be careful advising women men accidentally violate their boundaries. We have studies that prove in most cases they know it’s wrong they just don’t like “rape”. If he went to inpatient over what he did to her and didn’t apologize and own up then he’s a selfish ass.

No. 299353

Listen to your heart and judge the situation based on that nonna. Don't look to here for opinions, it's not the right place.

No. 299401

Seems like you were both under extreme distress in a bad spot. Did he try anything forceful and violent at all or no?

No. 299750

I’m sorry this happened to you nonna but that was rape. Unfortunately it’s not as black and white as most moids expect it to be because you let your ex bf into your house and both were intoxicated.
You clearly said no multiple times and he still insisted and violated your boundaries on top of that y’all were both high so it doesn’t help his case at all.
If a man has to make you “cave” for sex it’s already coercive in general.
He took advantage of his emergency to let him into your home despite breaking things off. Tbh I think that’s really predatory. Please cut contact because based on this it seems he’ll use any kind of weakness as a way to gain your sympathy and trust he’s already trying again by mentioning going to an inpatient center.
If you’re still unsure read up on more info about sexual abuse on https://www.rainn.org/resources
Lots of people assume rape is a man attacking you in the alleyway or a creepy uncle type situation but there are more scenarios no one bothers to take into account because of the societal consequences of being judged for being in wrong place at the wrong time and for thinking you could trust someone who supposedly claimed to love you.
I wish you the best of luck nonna. There have been lots of women in your situation who have stayed silent because they feel they were fault somehow.
The only way to prevent rape is for the moid not to do it and that is not something victims have control of.

No. 299919

Is there anywhere online where you can warn other women about rapists? Like full on post the guy's picture and name in the warning?

No. 300966

Every day I want to a-log our same fates on moids online who laugh, mock, and fetishise our trauma. And keep them far far away from children.

No. 301329

Now that things are settled down more Nonna you should get his side of things and talk instead of just getting one sided opinions and advice.

No. 301330

Whatever you do Nonna you don't want to just believe everything your friends say or what strangers say, you've got to listen to yourself or you won't be happy

No. 301344

The reason I say this is because I had something similar happen with my ex, he had been in such shock that he didn't remember what happened the day he was with me. When it did come to him he'd killed himself because of how I'd treated him acting on what others said vs what I felt. He was the sweetest kindest person to me I've ever met and I wish I could take it all back. Don't make the same mistakes I did

No. 301416

Same poster again, dont let others influence your decisions. You can do whatever you want but don't end up like me

No. 301948

Rapist scrote spotted kys you disgusting moid. Out of all places you try to invade you choose a safe area where women have suffered sexual abuse and feel like they have no where else to talk about it.
You are absolute human garbage get off this site and this planet.

No. 302080

Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone

No. 302081

No. 309544

Yes, there has been a huge explosion in popularity these last few months of these Facebook groups titled "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" or something similar, all for different cities. You can post a pic and first name of the guy in your area's group with warnings about any of his "red flags" including assault, cheating, etc. I hope this continues being normalized and women keep looking out for each other among all these godawful scrotes.

Here's more info: https://www.glamour.com/story/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-facebook-group

No. 312865

was it rape when the man i went on a date with for the first time drove me out to middle of nowhere when he was supposed to take me to the train station and pushed me down in the backseat and started kissing and fingering me despite me repeatedly asking him to stop? i was so fucking terrified, i tried to pretend i was somewhere else but i just couldn’t, no one knew where i was, i felt like i was going to die

i’m so fucking autistic i don’t know if it even counts as rape or if it’s even normal but i feel like it broke something in me and i have no idea how to fix it

No. 312866

That's rape.

No. 312917

I recently got high on weed for the first time, and maybe I smoked too much, but I had a horrible body feeling of violation and I started crying and feeling like I was a kid. It's difficult to explain, but it was very distressing for me and I started remembering very weird things. How does one even start to unpack something like this? Are repressed memories real? I don't know what to do.

No. 314076

I was groomed online by an older man in his 30s when I was 10 and was made to masturbate on cam until he ghosted me when was 13. I feel guilty in feeling like it was abuse because I was never physically touched?

It’s actually seriously screwed with me though. I’m 21 now and have never been in a serious actual relationship and have a really awful relationship with my body where I don’t want to touch myself or be touched ever again. When I go through serious depression episodes I don’t even want to clean myself or touch myself in a non-sexual way because it just makes me think about how he made me touch myself and it’s too painful and gross feeling.

It just feels like my body is permanently damaged and dirty, and it doesn’t help that I’m gnc as well and society has a really shit opinion of women who don’t confirm to gender roles? I find it hard to even leave the house without feeling like that everyone can “see” how dirty I feel.

I can’t afford therapy, how can I get over the horrible feelings of shame, feeling dirty, hating my body and own sexuality? I just want to feel safe in my own skin and not disgusted with my own flesh and reflection. I don’t want to leave my house and feel like people can see into me.

No. 314080

Yes and never get in a car with a moid on the first date.

Isnt self preservation for dating taught anymore? I dont mean to victim blame, it isnt your fault at all ofc. But I remember it being common knowledge to never meet with a moid in private, always in a public place, never letting him know where you live, telling friends and family when and how long the date will be etc on the first date.

No. 314104

Nta but I indeed feel like that advice has faded a bit because of dating apps and how easy they've made it to meet up with strangers. Like it's pretty normalized to talk to a stranger for like 2 weeks or less and then meet up at his home.

No. 314772

I’m in the same boat you are and dealt with the same shit. I wish I knew the answer. Every day is just chock full of shame and disgust. I hate going outside and I hate being seen so fucking much

No. 315242

i dont think any man would actually want me or think im attractive. i think they would just want to use me.
today i woke up and remembered what he said when i asked him why he liked me.
“youre nice to me and do me favors”
he hurt me so much and its been five years. i feel like it just shows what i get for interacting with men. i still remember what happened and want to die.

No. 315265

you don't have to feel guilty. it is a modern form of abuse. I think you could read self help books for abuse victims, if you can't afford therapy. it doesn't matter if there was physical touch because it still is sexual exploitation.

No. 315275

i don’t know if this is the right thread or not for this but it’s been extremely heavy on my mind the last year and a half.
i was introduced to sex when I was 5 or 6. I had a friend who was a lot older than me (12 or 13, the daughter of my parents friends) she had come over to my house with her parents and we were in the basement which at the time was like my play room. She had asked me if I wanted to play house and that she would be the daddy, then she put a toy in her pants to pretend to have a penis. She laid me down on the couch and acted as if we were having sex.
I don’t remember much besides going upstairs and telling my parents what we were doing. Her parents immediately took her home and I was left feeling confused and guilty as if I had done something wrong and we were in trouble.
a little while after that incident I remember having had a sleepover with a different girl who was also a little bit older than me and we licked each others vaginas. I can’t remember any other details like who initiated it, and I’m scared that it was me because I had already been introduced to sexual behaviour at that point. I stopped going to her house soon after and I don’t know if she ever told her parents but mine never knew.
I don’t even know what the point of writing this was but it’s something I have literally never told a soul in my life. Not a therapist, best friend or partner. Not even my parents spoke to me about what happened after it happened, I just knew it was wrong from the way they were acting. I hope writing it can help take it off my mind

No. 315350

Good this thread is bumped again I forgot about it and didn’t know where to vent this.
I‘m not fully sure about it but I think I have been way too easygoing with boundaries in the past. I had a bad introduction to sex in the first place way too young, my first bf did stuff without my consent all the time and raped me on a few occasions but I never wanted to see it this way due to wanting to be a cool girl who doesn’t feel bothered by violations like this and be above it, so I kind of disassociated when things like this were done to me and often just went with it trying to not feel hurt. (still have problems due to this today). Thing is when I look back, almost every guy I‘ve been with always took the initiative with sexual acts and I just went with it even if they were going too far. Now there was another dude I used to make out with sometimes who was a bit too audacious and pushy for my taste, so I never slept with him even if we got along otherwise. Turns out he’s a predatory pos and my gut feeling was right but I ignored all the red flags which were definitely there (trying to get sexual when I was trying to sleep without us making out beforehand, groping me in public when I told him to stop and other occasions). But I brushed it away as no big deal when I should have told him to btfo at the first shady move he did. Scumbags like this get away with it so often in the first place because they just try and go for it and have sucess due to their sheer audacity and self esteem, it’s disgusting. I don’t want to let assholes like this push my boundaries ever again they don’t deserve affection.
late and don’t know anything about repressed memories but anon it was your first time smoking weed, it can be really weird and anxiety inducing. Sounds like you got some sort of panic attack

No. 315517

My girlfriend was physically abused by her parents and SA by her foster parent. She's otherwise nice and lovely to be around and I love her but she breaks down when we talk about her past.
I know how much it devastates her to know what happened to her and I'm really scared of that affecting our sex life. We have sex and she seems to really enjoy it but I just don't know what she's keeping inside and I'm scared she's just bearing through it to make me happy.
Despite how upset she is when we talk about it, she trusts me and is pretty open when we discuss it.
I want to get her therapy but I don't really know what to do. We talked about getting her therapy and she agrees. I hope some of you have experience with that. I just don't know what to do or how the rest of this relationship is going to pan out because of that.
I also just want to know how to support her.

No. 315556

I honestly hate seeing this thread as i felt low after the replies I gotten when I opened up about my sexual abuse and manipulation… Luckily I am getting therapy for the truma and my social anxiety.

I'm done with being manipulated into having sex when I dont feel comfortable, having guys force themselves on me just because i'm easy and fun. And I hate being seen as an awful person for letting it happen even when i fought back, it's shits like that which makes it so difficult for me to have female friendship without someone backstabbing me.

Hopefully I don't look at this thread again and move pass that low in my life.

No. 344041

Sad this thread isn't active much so I won't bump, just needed somewhere to put this out.
I'm a victim of what I've seen dubbed "forced perpetration". To put it lightly, I had family members and their friends encourage me to sexually abuse my younger siblings and cousins, or be faced with physical or sexual abuse myself. I was about seven when it started, and fourteen when it ended.
I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything to stop it for one, even though objectively I suppose there's nothing a small child could have done in a scenario surrounded by adults ready to beat and rape them if they didn't comply, especially since they beat me unconscious a few times.
I can't tell anyone I know personally because they'll just see me as equally as bad as my original abusers. Yes, I caused unwanted abuse to my siblings, but the abuse I went through at the exact same time suddenly is completely void apparently because of it.
Maybe I'm playing too much of a victim, but I was a child. I was fucking forced to do that shit, my child's brain did what it had to to survive.
The worst part is that they recorded it, probably in an attempt to keep me from speaking out, because I'd hit the age of criminal responsibility during the later years. One member of the group actually threatened me a few years ago with this fact and claimed I was just as bad as them and that they would use their evidence (if it even still exists) to take counteraction if I ever spoke out.

No. 344324

why does he get to move on?

i made the mistake of checking his social media. he adopted they pronouns and retweets posts about feminism and bodily autonomy. where was that when i said no over and over and over and over again? he saw a girl just on the cusp of 18 who had just lost a parent and wanted to fill that abyss of grief. fuck my life, man.

No. 344329

waiting for that call from the police to come in for questioning feels like it will never end. when i opened up about what happened to me to that police lady over the phone a few days ago everything i’d held down for half a year came to the surface at full force. my closest family and friends know now and i’m supported and loved and should feel relieved at that fact, and i am. but i’m ashamed. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i know he’s going to get away, i know that. but i had to call in. i had to try.

i looked at his workplace’s wikipedia today, he was listed as the chief. i scrolled down the workplace’s instagram, i saw that same face that had leered down at me when he raped me, those bulging eyes that made me want to throw up how he stared at me through the screen. i don’t know why i did either of these things. all i know is i feel like shit, he’s like a nightmare that will always follow me asleep or awake.

i don’t know how i’m going to function this upcoming semester, i probably won’t. if i can’t study, my life will be on hold and it’ll take even longer for me to get a degree and i’ll be stuck in my tracks. his life probably wont change at all, it’ll go on like nothing happened.

i feel this hopelessness, like i’m going to be stuck in this dark place forever. i plan on telling my therapist about what happened during my next appointment, i’ll also ask her if i could be evaluated for ptsd. my memory is so foggy i can’t remember anything and i have these terrifying crying fits where my head spins and i feel like it’s going to explode.

i’m tired.

No. 344376

i had a nightmare about my rapist

he came towards me, staring me holes into me with his bulging eyes, whispered in my ear like he had when he raped me in the middle of nowhere where no one would find me, touched my neck and i felt like i was gonna hurl, i can still feel his disgusting touch from the nightmare

in the dream i ran away crying, but i couldn’t get away, he kept popping up wherever i went

i’ll never get away from him

i want to rip my own skin off and die

No. 344402

I had to reply to this one. This is horrific anon and I’m sorry it happened to you. You seem really conflicted about it but
>my child’s brain did what it had to to survive
is exactly right. People who don’t understand that aren’t putting themselves in your shoes and/or aren’t considering that you had essentially been brainwashed at age 7, of course your 14 year old self didn’t come to some white light realization. You didn’t have the free will to choose whether or not to do those things. I hope that you and your family members who were also victimized can find some peace and forgiveness for each other, but fuck the adults in your life who made that happen. They are the responsible ones, not child you.

No. 344452

File: 1691968707408.png (40.22 KB, 605x264, 076.png)

gonna be long but I dont have anyone to talk to about this in my personal life.

I got groomed (hesitate to use the word bc i was 18 and an "adult" at the time so it doesn't feel valid to use) by a psycho 26 yr old moid over reddit/discord. I was fresh out of the psych ward after trying to commit suicide twice, completely isolated from both an eating disorder destroying my social life & my ex first bf of 3 years (+ first rapist) being an obsessive psycho that played victim and manipulated me by having suicidal freakouts whenever I tried to hang out w anyone other than him until my tiny highschool friend group ceased to exist.
I got diagnosed w BPD then (think its a misdiagnosis bc I don't pull any of that needy shit but I'll leave it up to the professionals)
I started participating in a bpd support discord to try to understand this better and distract from the pain of being mentally unrecovered from ED but weight restored. Needless to say I was mentally weak and naive.
He slowly started to creep into chats, encouraging me to download a video chat app & call on a reguar basis bc "it would help heal my BPD". This continued as a manipulation tactic to coerce me into forming an increasingly intimate relationship w/ him that escalated to e-dating. Originally I communicated w him using a fake name but accidentally let my real one slip into conversation and he RAGED at me for "lying to him" despite that being a very reasonable safety precaution to take. Like a switch being flipped, I went into pickme doormat mode that I had developed in my 1st relationship. It geniuinely felt like my mind split in two, and I became in complete denial of how terrified and uncomfortable the situation made me. I want to call it "stockholm syndrome by internet" but I can't find much on similar cases.
It only lasted 9 months and he never touched me in person but I was manipulated into various sexual acts on camera (some to the point of bleeding), made to watch gore and scat porn, and if I refused to do as he pleased he would berate me until I cried, tell me I was selfish, mutilate himself with a razor on camera. Eventually one day some reddit post made me snap out and realize how fucked up it all was and I blocked him on everything in the middle of the night.
We were going to meet at an AirBnB in Toronto in Jan 2019 (he was american I was canadian), paid for and everything, but the pandemic made that impossible. He frequently mentioned strangulation and pregnancy in a sexual context, and was in legal trouble for strangling an old man at a care home when he worked as a PSW - no doubt in my mind that if we did actually meet he would have killed me or tried to babytrap me. I genuinely believe Covid 19 saved my life.
Because I was never touched, I feel like I can't call it sexual abuse. Never recieved therapy for this, even though my sister told me I would scream in my sleep afterward, would cry upon seeing any porn online and was terrfied of the smell of my own piss for a year or more. I started seeing a coworker a few months after this and I had PIV sex that actually felt good for the first time which temporarily healed my fear of sex, but it turns out he was hiding that he was serial sexual predator from me and go on to would rape me when blackout drunk a few months later, which undid everything. Even after that, I feel the torture the online predator put me through was worse. I'd love to dox him, still have his address and all that. Been celibate over a year now and I don't think I could date a man again.

No. 355362

anyone else was abused by a total stranger?
i was a young teen and on a vacation abroad with my family, i was in the bus and i felt something really painful inside and i realized it was the dude next to me's fingers and he did some other unhinged stuff i was already dealing with hardcore bullying at school so i feel all this completely stunted me. i have pretty bad vaginismus now so romantic relationships are off the table and i dont have any friend either. it makes me really sad that my abuser probably has a wife, children, people who love him and i will have none of that. idk maybe im taking the easy out by blaming my shit life on his actions but it feels like that

No. 355383

Anon, this is horrifying. I have no words. You can and will have love and a family and happiness though, you deserve to have it. Healing from sexual trauma is very difficult but it is possible. I was raped by a stranger when walking to my car after work at a restaurant a year ago. I know it’s not the same as being a child and being violated so hideously like you were, but it shook me and my sense of self. Therapy has been really helpful, and I started riding horses again to help cope. If you have anyone in your life you love and trust, you should tell them, if only to get it off your chest. I wish I could hug you. That “man” who hurt you is evil.

No. 355408

I was sexually abused by two different women growing up. It’s amazing how quickly some feminists will rush to invalidate you when you were the victim of female abuse and not male. They literally tell you that it can’t be real and gaslight you into thinking it never happened or that they were the victim of someone else so it’s somehow justified of them to abuse you. I literally had women who consider themselves radfems messaging me saying it was hot and making jokes about it after posting about my experiences. Ugh.

No. 355409

The vast majority of people seem to think women can’t be predators, which is bullshit. Men always defend older women raping underage boys, and I’ve seen firsthand women who will deny that sexual predator women exist altogether. It’s very disappointing. Especially considering how widespread narc moms are and how narcs often sexually abuse their kids, but you’re generally not allowed to talk about that for fear of being called misogynistic. I see women who were abused by their moms like Azealia Banks and it makes sense how damaged she is because many people think mothers are saints by default which simply isn’t true, being unable to express that is so isolating.

No. 355413

I remember Pamela Anderson discussing being sexually abused by a female baby sitter. She said the woman died in a car crash and Pam felt so happy afterwards like she’d manifested it. I’m happy for her. All child abusers should be put down.

No. 355417

Nona i'm so sorry and i wish you all the love and healing in the world. That must have so so been terrifying, it's horrible we have to live in such a unsafe world. I hope your horses have helped you heal too because i know how important my cat is to me, animals are the best

No. 355532

I've been thinking, I have such bad health problems compared to my sister who was never abused. I've read that anxiety can eventually cause other more serious health problems and I wonder if it's because of that. My anxiety definitely stems from the abuse. Now I'm dealing with vulvodynia and can't help but wonder if it's related as well.

No. 355578

My abuser ruined everything I love and I can’t look at or consume anything I like at the time I was living with him because it just reminds me of all those terrible memories.

No. 355589

There's a proven link between the sort of CPTSD that stems from abuse in girlhood and autoimmune disease as an adult woman. So you're not incorrect in your thinking.

No. 355645

i really think vaginismus and other related conditions stem from sexual abuse 95% of the time. women can even get chronic UTI etc from consensual sex with the same partner. men are a disease to women's health

No. 355747

I had that as a teenager when living with my abuser parents, literally a few months after I moved out and I got comfortable with my now husband everything would hurt and I couldn't use tampons

No. 355753

Absolutely correct. I developed rheumatoid arthritis and have zero genetic factors that would indicate I'm at risk. I was shocked to learn that CPTSD and traumatic events can trigger RA down the road. Just as I became free of my abusers, got my life and mental health together, I learned I will suffer from their actions for the rest of my life. The rage I feel is indescribable.

No. 355789

I never felt comfortable in radfem spaces despite 90% aligning with the views because it felt like a dirty secret to talk about female-female abuse. Just because it's rare doesn't mean it never happens. I was assaulted by another girl when I was a teenager, and it's something I hesitate to talk about because it either makes homophobic women uncomfortable and confirm their suspicions that SSA women are degenerate (even though my assaulter had a boyfriend at the time) or women rush to excuse that "men are worse anyway, female abusers are a product of society, maybe she had internalized homophobia" as if that excuses anything. It's hard to get on the pinkpill train when women have proven to be monsters like men too.

>Especially considering how widespread narc moms are and how narcs often sexually abuse their kids, but you’re generally not allowed to talk about that for fear of being called misogynistic.
It's so common to talk to other women with bad mothers who do boundary-crossing things that would constitute sexual abuse if it was done by the father instead. I also notice women can enable sexual abuse alongside perpetuating it. When I was a kid I had adult women laugh off the abuse boys did to me, or blame me for "letting it happen". My rapist is a momma's boy who mother still covers for him. I'm not the only one who has experienced this either.

No. 356009

I agree nona. I think that a lot of radfems haven’t really witnessed the cruelty or abuse women are capable of and maybe come from backgrounds where their female family members are upper class and well behaved and went to nice schools where the werent bullied. A lot of lower class women I know have been abused and severely bullied by other women.

No. 356010

Also not saying that women are as bad as men, nearly all the most horrific crimes are always men. But there are definitely female abusers, pedos, bullies etc out there and it shouldn’t be ignored if a woman wants to share her experience about it.

No. 356011

That’s terrifying nona I’m so sorry

No. 377879

I was making out with a guy at a house party two years ago, in the morning while everyone was asleep, we went to another room.
He wanted to have sex, i didn't so i gave him a blow job hoping he stopped (i regret this). He kept asking, we didn't have condoms either and i told him "no" several times, he finally forced himself into me.
I was frozen but then I managed to push him away, i told him "no" one last time and after a few minutes and the initial shock i went out of the room and woke up everybody ("my friends").
We all went for breakfast but i felt super numb, i was really confused. I ended making up an excuse and went to urgent care i was so afraid and disgusted, i couldn't stop crying and shaking. At the clinic i asked for some PEP saying i was afraid of STDs and that i just have had unprotected sex the doctor that saw me told me several times if i wanted to make a report to the police, she clearly understood that i was just not afraid of contracting HIV, anyways it was really confused and i didnt know how to take care of that situation i told "my friends" but this person was part of my then friend group and they kept hanging out with this man and some of them even called me a liar (not to my face, they are cowards like that) i later understood these people were never my friends, i know the man that did this to me tells everyone that "i abused him too" because we were both kind of tipsy but i don't care anymore i know that what he did

im currently in therapy and no longer talk to these people, is hard and sometimes i find myself doubouting my own story or minimizing it because it was not like "violent" abuse,is crazy but i'm getting better

No. 378520

Sometimes it’s better to be alone than to have friends like this, I’m so sorry Nonna, I’m glad you’re getting the help to move forward.
Did he do anything else to anyone that you know of??

No. 378522

This literally is similar to what happened to me as a teen; except it was when I was skipping school and took a short cut through these apartments, this guy saw me and was like “give me a hug” I didn’t want to be rude, and just like you, I was an outcast also and had a lot of anxiety and drama at home, he fucking grabbed me and did that same thing to me! I’m still so confused and mad about it, he tore my pants, and when I finally pushed him away I was panicked and that night I went out with my friends (in the same clothes) I got laughed at for having holes in the crotch part of my fucking pants.

No. 383361

I was raped when I was 5-6 and the rapists told my parents I was just born crazy and weird, so whenever I tried to talk to my parents about the rape they would hit me, scream at me, and lock me in my room because they thought I was lying for attention and that somehow I was just born a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, pathological liar etc. In my teenage years, my parents decided to throw me into psychiatry and claimed I had a severe case of NPD because I brought up being raped as a kid. What kid at the age of 5 would lie about that, what 5-year-old would know about rape so they can get narcissistic supply?

No. 383362

Who was your rapist and how were they allowed access to you at 5, if you don’t mind me asking. Family member?

No. 383363

Yes, multiple family members

No. 386533

I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that almost every time I've had sex was rape by coercion/manipulation/fear of saying no. I've "known" logically for a while now but it hasn't really sunk in until lately. Looking back it's so stereotypical how I've responded to it, the entire "I didn't say no" or "I didn't say no hard enough/I only said no once" "I let it happen" "It wasn't violent" "I led him on" etc etc cope. If anyone else told me they went through what I have I would never tell them it wasn't real or that it didn't count. I guess knowing you didn't deserve it and that it wasn't your fault isn't the same as really believing that.

No. 386570

My mom did so much weird shit that wouldn't fly if it were my dad doing it. I really think she might be NPD or BPD, or something. I don't necessarily consider it sexual abuse but I'm posting it here because I feel like it primed me for abuse later in life. When I was really little I would kiss my parents on the lips. When I got a little bit older, I didn't want to do that anymore, so I started kissing them on the cheek. My dad understood without me having to say anything and didn't question it. My mom, however, was actually furious. She would turn her face quickly when I went for a cheek kiss, or straight up grab my face and force it. I tried to tell her I didn't like it and she got really upset. My dad told her off saying that I was just growing up, it's completely normal, it's nothing to get upset over. My mom said "she's my daughter, I own her, I can do whatever I want with her." She would also do shit like grabbing/slapping my butt and commenting on how good it looked, and she would tell me disturbing things about her sexual experiences when I was much too young to be talking about sex, let alone molestation or rape. I remember her making me take photos of her in just a skimpy top and underwear to send to a lover. The weirdest one however was when we would "play baby." She would strip me down and make me a make-shift diaper out of a towel and encourage me to speak like a baby and feed me from a bottle. I was way too old for it but only realized it was weird when a friend was over and asked why we had baby bottles in the fridge but no baby. She looks back on those times fondly, saying I was her little doll. Highly inappropriate behavior that definitely taught me that my boundaries don't mean shit, especially if I owe the person in any way.

No. 386740

That's narc behavior. She's completely fucked in the head.

No. 387582

After watching the Quiet on Set documentary with my boyfriend, I told him about a time my 5th grade teacher would pick me up after school in 6th grade 2 or 3 times and take me to a diner then drive me home. He had a son that went to the new middle school I attended, but he wouldn't be picked up with us. I would always call home to tell them my teacher was picking me up. I explained he was my teacher in 4th and 5th grade, but I've been attending the school in the same grade as his son since pre-school. Then we both graduated and attended the same 6-12. He didn't think it was too weird until I had to explain a second time that the school that was pre-k-5th grade was 20 minutes from the elementary school to the middle/high school and then another 20 minutes to the diner and 20 back to my family's house after. At this point he said it was weird. As a kid, I didn't think anything of it because I had known this teacher and his son for pretty much my whole life at that point. I was bullied heavily in school which my boyfriend thinks made me a good target because I wasn't close to classmates and relied on teachers at the school instead. He said he didn't seem too weird until I told him how much driving was out of his way without even picking up his own son.

My grandparents did know the teacher and they would be who I would call to let them know that he offered to take me out to lunch after school. They were on the board at the elementary school and I think after the 2nd or 3rd time he took me out (phrasing it like this really hits home that I was probably almost SAd by my teacher as a kid) he was told to stop. He never came by again and his son had basketball after school, so he never came to pick up his son until long after I was home. Talking it through with my boyfriend has been making me super uncomfortable because I always maybe thought this could've been a situation, but I've always brushed it off since another ever actually came from it.

What do nonnas think? I'm glad nothing happened, I don't want anything to have happened, but I feel really grossed out and vulnerable thinking back on what could've escalated into a grooming situation unless my grandparents stepped in. No one ever talked to me about it, he just stopped showing up after school to take me to lunch. It's kind of violating having the realization, you know? I do have a professional I can talk to about this, but that's not for a little while. I don't think this is going to change me as a person or anything, it's just wanting to get another opinion because again.. Nothing came from this, but do others think this might have been something my teacher was trying to do? I'm well past the age this happened. I just want some clarity I think.

No. 387593

It's definitely abnormal/grooming behavior. As a child, my friends parents would bring me places, but I was always with said friend and never alone.
Your teacher was definitely up to something nefarious. I wonder if he ever tried something similar with other children.

No. 387594

I've tried looking him up actually after I posted that. Instead, Turns out he went on to be the dean of the district if I'm understanding this article right. Nothing about being arrested. It's weird to come to terms with something that you felt wasn't nefarious just because nothing obvious happened. All I can think of now is worse case scenarios and if he ever did try this with other students then he at least hasn't been caught. That's why I keep thinking a part of it might be he was just checking up on me because I knows I was a really bullied kid and transitioning to a new school is hard. I know kids shouldn't call adults "friends", but I really was one of those kids who always stuck to the teachers and had only 1 friend who was also ostracized and bullied a lot.

No. 387607

>I don't necessarily consider it sexual abuse but I'm posting it here because I feel like it primed me for abuse later in life.
>She would also do shit like grabbing/slapping my butt and commenting on how good it looked
>she would tell me disturbing things about her sexual experiences when I was much too young to be talking about sex, let alone molestation or rape.
>I remember her making me take photos of her in just a skimpy top and underwear to send to a lover.
>The weirdest one however was when we would "play baby." She would strip me down and make me a make-shift diaper out of a towel and encourage me to speak like a baby and feed me from a bottle.
These are actions most people would consider sexual abuse, especially the photos and "play baby". If you don't though, it's up to you how you contextualize how she mistreated you. I'm deeply sorry you were treated as an object, narcissism does seem to fit her description.

No. 389441

My mother’s brother had recently passed, resulting in her side of the family flying out for the service. And with that another uncle to come visit us, I’m not close nor really associate with my extended family due to trauma suffered on both sides that I have yet to disclose to my family, which in then results in everyone thinking I’m a conceited bitch because I don’t give them the time of day.
Anyways, it brought back the feelings of that trauma lately and I’ve been in a really weird headspace since and I haven’t been able to see my psych since switching insurance. So this uncle, his son used to lock me in the bathroom when we were young, I was around 5 or so and he was 7-8, and he would corner me in the bathroom and expose himself to me and attempt to penetrate me, this would happen during family parties/gatherings and no one would question where we would have gone and only my mom or dad would come looking for me but by the time they would find me my cousin would be out of the bathroom, so they would find me in the bathroom alone crying. Ever since then it’s been constant sa from both sides of my extended side of the family whether it be from female cousins on my dads side or the males on my moms side. It sucks because now that I’m older and left alone and can have the ability to cut them off, I find myself acting out because those feelings will come back rushing and I hate it. I hate it because I get so scared and it affects my romantic relationships that I self sabotage. Sorry nonas if this is incoherent, I don’t talk about this, let alone with a therapist because I feel such knot of disgust in my throat and stomach whenever I relive that moment and other moments

No. 390512

Nothing happened which is good but if your grandparents are alive you should ask them about it just to get some clarity.

No. 391279

Day 1000 of having a permanent cigarette burn bump on a pretty visible part of my body from my shitty ex

It's like a branding I never asked for. Explaining it to people I'm close to probably think I'm crazy

No. 391290

There are treatments to get rid of scars, like peeling treatments. I think retinols can help too.

No. 391310

I’m so sorry nona. I have something similar (my ex forced my to cut his name into my skin when I was a teenager, thankfully it’s only small, but I still absolutely hate it) hope you can get rid of it or at least reduce the appearance significantly

No. 391318

There's professional scar treatments you can get that might be helpful. You can get an intake for free usually at good clinics to see if it's something you might be interested in.

No. 391339

Oh that must've been awful, nobody should have to live with that.
Thank you all, I ought to get the skin treatments done. I have little retinol patches too I could use maybe

No. 391868

My friend used to coerce me into doing sexual acts with me at sleepovers when we were 11 or so. The first time was when she showed me porn at my house. I remember laughing but also physically trying to prevent her from pulling it up. It was weird japanese porn and I didn’t find it appealing at all. She then showed me soft core lesbian porn and I was intrigued I guess, because I ended up letting her get on top of me and pretend/mime sex acts. The next time I went to her house to sleepover, she kept trying to touch my “boobs” (were 11 and don’t even have boobs yet) and I told her I wanted her to stop. She said that she wouldn’t and that I couldn’t leave, because her mom wouldn’t drive me home and I couldn’t walk home alone in the dark. This kind of thing escalated and she would only let me do things, like play a game for example, if I let her do sexual acts…I absolutely refused to kiss though, because I wanted my first kiss to be with a boy. She told me she did this to other girls, one who whom cried until she stopped. She seemed shocked that I had never “experimented” with other girls. I know she was likely being sexually abused herself, because she knew a lot about sex that looking back she shouldn’t have, so I do feel bad for her but also acknowledge how painful it was for me to go home in the morning ashamed and feeling dirty. I eventually told her I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore through email (kek) and she forwarded it to all of our mutual friends who called me mean. I couldn’t tell them why I did it so I couldn’t defend myself. I ended up regularly watching pornography and exposing myself to more sexually degenerative stuff and chat rooms, which I may have done regardless but I really feel like that initial sleepover was the starting point and end of my “innocence” in a way. I saw her in a coffee shop with her boyfriend a few years ago and didn’t feel anything bad towards her, I hope she’s healed if she was a victim of anything that made her act that way.
I saw a woman claiming that preventing your kids from having sleepovers was stupid and wouldn’t prevent sexual abuse, but I don’t think I’d let my kids go to sleepovers if I had them. People don’t like to admit that kids can molest other kids, even girls.

No. 391946

My 8 years older female cousin showed me porn, repeatedly, when I was about 5, and for years after. I was desensitized by the time I was 10. I've had an awful relationship with sex my whole life… God I wish I'd never seen porn. She would also pretend to be "asleep" or in a weird trance like state, and try to get me to touch her. The most I ever did was maybe lift up her tanktop? I was confused. Later I found out her stepdad is a pedo, and I have reason to believe he may have molested me as a toddler.
I was also touched by many boys growing up.. Literally anywhere, my mom's karate class, school, my friends house, fucking homeschooling conferences… I remember hiding in the ladies room with one of my girlfriends, because this disgusting little Canadian boy kept groping our chests.. I was 11. Sometimes it feels like I had no chance of turning out normal.

No. 392039

She was almost certainly a victim herself. This is a real telltale sign of child abuse.

No. 392396

WAIT WTF I developed noticeable RA around 17 even though my family doesn’t, my grandparents didn’t, I attributed it to playing sports and having shit genes and shit luck…

No. 392617

And what if she was? Are you really going to coddle this serial rapist just because she is a woman too? At 11 she absolutely knew what she was doing and that it was wrong since she even coerced you into doing it

No. 392630

children don't know stuff like that is wrong when it's a trauma response (if it was) they're just doing monkey-see-monkey-do

No. 392643

Still if she had any braincells left she wouldn't abuse other children like the nona who posted it, if she experienced pain. If such children or teens can't stop it they should be isolated too. I don't care. Trauma can't excuse everything.

No. 392644

TBH that kinda supports my theory that sexual abuse victims should be able to receive euthanasia, either to not suffer or to not hurt others because sadly some become monsters too (not all of course and most often moids than women).

No. 392677

Today I saw a man trying to take a little boy. Initially a bunch of other men intervened and separated him from the boy, but then they just fucking left. The guy kept following the boy and they just left. I told two other women next to me to call the police and one just said that they didn't pick up and didn't try again. They were so nonchalant about it. Then they left once they saw the boy get on a bus. Nobody did anything. I was the only one who stayed and called the police and followed the man for as long as I could. I don't understand how they can just not care about a grown ass man trying to force a boy to go with him. He was struggling so hard to get away. He was shirtless. He was saying he didn't know this man, but didn't want me to call the police. This man could have been a pedophile trying to rape him and nobody did anything to get the man in trouble. He could've been a sex trafficking victim and nobody helped him. Why tf didn't people care??

No. 392733

I've noticed this a lot online. People will have massive SJWs about stuff like this, but in reality a lot of people won't actually interact in case they could be wrong and then they don't want to be shamed and have the police called on them instead. It could be a situation like yours where you said the boy made it known he did not know the man, but depending on who the guy is too, some people are too intimidated to do anything. It's really sad how crazy they get with how they will act online, but when the situation happens, nothing. Crickets.

No. 399960

File: 1716402919208.jpg (22.72 KB, 552x347, 47fabf9578ad2e970431ac860d5d92…)

i got sexually harassed at work by an autistic moid, and it made me realize that he might be acting out because he wasn't taught to hide misogyny and abuse, unlike other moids who are socialized to conceal it, so they are abusive in private

No. 401314

>is celibate to avoid getting assaulted
>men never seem to keep their hands to themselves around her
>been single for a few years
>decided to go on a date and give it another chance
>gets assaulted on a first date

No. 401329

Misogyny and sexual abuse is just the natural state of scrotes. Retarded scrotes that do not have the mental capacity to control themselves will just act like most male mammals do: rapey.

No. 401455

i saw statistics about doctor gender ratio per specialty in another thread and the conversation reminded me of a moment i had with my doctor when i was really little. i was probably only like 5-7 and he stuck his finger inside me. i remember being confused because i thought it was just doctor stuff, but now that i'm am adult i realize what was happening. i dont really know how to feel as i never really thought about it, but looking back now i feel very betrayed.
has anyone else looked back at something like this and realized later on in life what was really going on?

No. 401487

Im so sorry, that’s disgusting and has no medical basis, I’ve had creepy experiences with male doctors too nona. I remember when I was 13 having to get an EKG and the doctor insisted that I have to lie there with my breasts exposed, and he just stayed there at the foot of the bed staring at them the whole time, while the nurse was doing the exam. He didn’t even need to be present in that moment as the nurses usually handle these things anyway, even the nurse tried to cover me with the gown but he stopped her and insisted I must lay there topless. And even after the exam was done, he didn’t tell me to put my top back on or anything. In my (European) country there was a case with a doctor who groped and licked a young girls breasts. The court sided with him and ruled it a ‘normal examination’. So many doctors are pedos and sex offenders tbh and the medical field is totally corrupt and covers up sex crimes (and worse, like probably actual murders/manslaughter) all the time

No. 401545

this is why i request female doctors only now, unless it's something like dentistry. it feels like men going into it either for money or for nefarious reasons.

No. 401741

>repeatedly molested and neglected in elementary school
>go into middle school thinking it's normal to grope people, discuss sexually explicit things, and threaten to rape people "as a joke" (I was kidding, the people who said that to me weren't)
>have to learn the hard way what is and isn't actually appropriate to say and how to act around people
>know that there are people out there who remember you as the girl who was a fucking creep in middle school
>adults never showed concern that someone your age was so sexually forward
Everything about who I am is repulsive and embarrassing. I've been hypersexual since age 9. I didn't know better and was just imitating what people said around me, I was a bully in middle school too. Maybe being raped was preemptive punishment for who I grew up to be. I still want to be forgiven for being a pervert. I feel guilty almost all the time, in an almost religious, Catholic sense. Maybe nona upthread who said csa victims should be euthanized was right.

No. 401758

I feel you nonna.
I still feel ashamed and avoid people that were involved and vice versa. Some of these kids 'initiated' me.
Some days the shame is unbearable but I'm trying to move forward by validating that I was a child and that was all I knew. Being raped wasn't preemptive punishment. Please don't think that. I understand where you're coming from because I felt the same at times… But it wasn't. It wasn't punishment. It was violence you've been subject to that created certain behaviours. It isn't who you are. It is the inflicted trauma manifesting itself. You deserve love and peace like every other victim.

No. 401769

Kids are sponges taking in the behavior around them. If that’s what was around you, it makes sense you absorbed it and incorporated it into your social interaction. That’s how we evolved to function as social primates. It’s just that usually helpful process gets kind of fucked up if the juvenile primate is in a bad environment

No. 401773

So incoming rant ig…I half-remember being molested when I was very young and it makes me want to scream. Sometimes I wish I could just "unlock" the full memory to know who it was and stop feeling like I'm going insane when I think about it, but I avoid certain drugs like the plague due to horror stories of them bringing out repressed memories, or inducing psychosis which would no doubt make my mental spirals worse. Also it's not like I'd ever get justice now. I used to be comforted by media with abuse themes when I was a child with unmonitored internet (though visual depictions of it would make me want to rip my skin off for days afterwards) and I used to have frequent nightmares about being kidnapped, and in hindsight, I'm just realising how mentally unhealthy I was before my age even hit double digits. I had no business knowing those things.

You are a good person who did the right thing nonna, that boy will remember you for the rest of his life. I hate how actively uncaring and hostile the world is against children.

No. 407171

None of my unpleasant sexual experiences have been violent and I feel like a fraud. Even though there was so much coercion, whether that be from getting me intoxicated, the presence of weapons, or just pestering until the no became a weak yes while I was crying or otherwise in clear distress. I keep having dreams about the experiences. In the dreams I am much more forceful with my noes and I run for help as soon I get a chance. Just wishing I had done that, I guess. I feel so weak-willed and weak-minded. Like it shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is, since in my mind it's my fault for not standing my ground and refusing harder. It was just easier to turn my mind off while it happened after verbally refusing did nothing.

No. 407174

Anon please please don't blame yourself, people freeze in panic mode and freightening situation, you had a normal reaction. It's not your fault.

No. 413557

late but please don't think that way, you cannot be punished for something you became later, that's a fucked up religionfag way of thinking. it's not your fault, none of it was. you were a child.

No. 413558

I was groomed and then raped by a moid thrice my age when I was 15 to 17 and my parents had no understanding of what grooming was yet alone could entertain the possibility of him raping me. My parents were the type to encourage me to make connections for competency in childhood (like talking to sixth graders when I was in kindergarten so I could learn "big kid maturity" or talking to people with office jobs when I was a teen so I'd gain some knowledge on their fields and stuff), but ramped up to the max, where I was inherently stupid and skill-less so I needed to gain skills from everyone around me.
The moid was my dad's friend, in his 40s, owned three businesses and had a PhD, so he was the perfect role model for me according to them. And if I'd dared tell them, they would've called me a liar, that I seduced him, or that I'm retarded for not socialising with people who could help me with study/career.
I turned 18 and lived on campus for uni so that was an escape for me, but I fucking hate that I let it happen to me. I get debilitating thoughts of turning myself into a ghoul looking creature with horrendous amounts of plastic surgery sometimes because I hate my face, I hate how it was used in that way and all I see is it being "dirty" in a sense. I fantasise about being a shapeshifter sometimes so I could at least be in control of what I'm perceived as. I desperately want plastic surgery sometimes and completely change who I am, even if I look like a botched Oli London.
Just a thought though and gladly I have no money, but I can barely look at myself.

No. 413979

File: 1720781486511.jpg (42.72 KB, 640x683, d65ffb3c914491bbe37a_1.jpg)

I wanted to update on this, turns out no, I did in fact not have vulvodynia and it wasn't anxiety. It was a chronic UTI, and also clitoral adhesions that were causing clitoral pain. Although I guess the adhesions most likely happened because I never wanted to touch my vulva as a kid after getting molested, and wouldn't clean it properly. Life truly hates me it seems, it keeps throwing sexual trauma at me and keeps messing with my genitals. Maybe this is a sign I should never get married or have kids.

No. 414004

I was molested as a child and still have nightmares about it. Last night I had a nightmare where there was a 30-something pedo going around grooming young girls in a small town. He also had a cute baby that he was molesting and raping too but social work wouldn’t take the child off him and I was trying to figure out how to get the child away from him and make the police do something about him, he also had a wife/gf who would join in the abuse and just laughed and sneered when anyone tried to confront them about abusing their child and bragged I couldn’t prove it. I woke up in tears and have been feeling so shaky all day. It ruins my whole week when I have dreams like this honestly.

No. 414005

It’s pretty hard to request a female doctor in an emergency room setting because usually the doctors are already up to their eyes in work and you end up with whatever doctor got allotted to you

No. 414968

Pelvic floor therapy has been helping but it’s so difficult. Still really wishing i never went through this for the second time in my life. It’s as if someone lived several years with a fist clench to the point the clenched fist is the default, and relaxing it takes an extremely conscious effort, yet hearing friends talking about how they can move their hands and fingers freely etc. I hate him so fucking much for doing this shit

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