/ot/ - off-topic

I can't believe it's been nearly a decade since I lost my grandma. Not a single day goes by without me thinking about her. I still have nightmares about watching her die again sometimes and it might be guilt for not being there when she took her last breath. It doesn't get easier per se, but you learn to live with your new reality. I just hope her soul is at peace and I wish I could have done more for her when she was alive. I told her I loved her as much as I could, even on her deathbed when she couldn't get up or speak anymore. She stirred when she heard my voice but I was so inconsolable I couldn't stay longer. I'm sorry grandma. I love you and I miss you so much.

>>2344659
I hope you don't feel too guilty nonny. Seeing our loved ones in such a vulnerable position and knowing what it means is so difficult to cope with. When I saw my dad in the hospital the day before he died I almost fainted and puked. He wasn't reacting to stimuli and was ice cold to the touch. I will never know if he could hear our voices and feel our hugs. The fact that your grandma responded to your voice is a blessing in a way, she heard you at that time and that's a great gift. Please don't blame yourself.

my uncle died of total organ failure in a skilled nursing facility in another country. he went on a downward spiral with meth addiction and became permanently mentally disabled and couldnt heal from his meth psychosis. he couldnt take care of himself anymore after that and in the end he was always so violent, cruel, and verbally and psychologically abusive. my mom tried really hard to get him help, like paying for his rehab (in another country because rehab in america without insurance would be impossible), after rehab he was still mentally gone so she had him put in this facility so that he wasnt on the streets scaring everyone with his antics.

i feel really bad that i didnt realize he basically fried his brains and wasnt aware of who he was anymore. he was mentally disabled at that point and i thought he was just saying and doing certain things because he was evil. i feel guilty that i didnt understand that before he died because i used to reactively abuse him back.

it felt good to say the most cruel things i could think of because he was saying the most disgusting sexual delusional shit about me, my grandma, and my mother. his psychotic delusions were about rape, prostitutes, and rapists, and he would tell everyone in our neighborhood that my family were prostitutes, give people our address, and tell everyone we were being raped by men every night. we could never convice him that his delusions were just delusions. it was so frustrating.

i felt powerful by hurting his feelings because he was so abusive, but then there were moments when he would sober up and have no idea what happened the day before. he would have no idea what we were talking about when we would confront him.

i dont completely regret all of the things i said bc he was a violent man and i was a young woman. i just wish he didnt fucking die. i wish he could have gotten better and bounced back from it.

i hated him at the time but i feel sick when i think about his death. i grieve the person he never was and the person he could have been. its such a shame that he just made a mess of his life and everyone elses life.

i still think about my sweet noodle daily. its been just over 2 months since he died but if i stop and imagine its like i can still remember the feel of his fur, still remember what kissing the top of his head smelled like, still remember wiping the shmutz out of his big bug eyes. it doesnt seem right that someone so important to me is missing from my life and yet everything goes on like it used to. i kicked my feet suddenly under the blanket yesterday and nearly apologized for startling him before i remembered he's not there. its like i had a cuddly little toddler for 8 years and now ill be mourning him the rest of my life b/c he was just the best, my sweet boy.

It should've been me. How could God take you from me

Does anynonnie have experience with a family member you’re estranged from/no contact with passing away? How was it for you and did you end up making amends?

Hi Dad, I miss you. I wish you were here. I need you. I love you. Please come home.

>>2344808
Just because he had a reason for acting that way doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt by it. You and your family shouldn’t have had to go through that and I am sorry.
>i grieve the person he never was and the person he could have been
This is one of the most difficult aspects of grief for me. Acknowledging what they went through and struggled with when they didn’t have to.
>>2345587
>>2345878
>>2345564
>>2345875
I am so sorry for everyone’s losses. I hope nonnies feel safe and comfortable coming here to talk. You and your loved ones will all be in my thoughts.

I will never forget you for who you were at your best. You will always be that person to me. I wish you were never hurt, I wish there was something I could have done, I wish there was something I could've said. I will always have a place in my heart that you occupy and I will never let myself forget you.

its all so meaningless without you. My everything

i wanna scream but my lodgers home

>>2345998
Thanks for the kind words, nona. I appreciate it.

>>2344753
Thank you anon, your response made me cry. I'm sorry you had to see your father like that before he passed and I hope you have some good memories with him at least.

my best friend of 20 years died a little over a year ago. i feel like a part of me died too. i’m so angry and sad all the time now. we talked every day. it was totally sudden/a freak medical thing that came out of nowhere and it’s made my anxiety a hundred times worse. now i’ll have to watch my parents die and she won’t even be here. everything feels so pointless now and all our mutual friends are coping way better than i am.

next threadpic

>>2347096
Oh nonny I am so sorry. I cannot imagine losing a friend like that so suddenly especially as one of your first major losses. When someone plays such an integral part of your routine it’s all the more disorienting when they’re no longer there to be part of it. I would call my dad on my drive home from work everyday, after he passed I found driving home to be so difficult. That time that was devoted to him is now just a reminder that he’s no longer here. It’s really hard.
>>2347233
It was surprisingly difficult to find a threadpic that balanced the seriousness of the topic without making potentially fragile anons further upset. Yours made me tear up a bit kek

>>2347657
This is one of my personal favorite pieces about grief, it's so beautiful. It still makes me teary eyed.

>>2347797
not even being funny this made me sad in the same way Coco did

Heard the song they played at the funeral in Shutter Island and started freaking out and crying. I feel like I am regressing

I'm really not trying to be insensitive whatsoever and i have lost pets before but can we have a separate thread for pet loss because it really is not the same.

>>2347797
Oh what a lovely image. It reminded me of the poem in picrel, which made me cry the first time I read it. I hope it’s like that in the end. And I hope I’m wrong about it being the end. Thank you for sharing nona
>>2347830
Originally I was going to make a thread for parental loss but it was too niche to gain much support. I think that’s the case with most of our situations. Losing a friend is different from a parent, which is different from a spouse, which is different from a child, and so on. If anons would like to make a separate pet loss thread that’s fine by me but my intention when creating this thread was to have a generally supportive place for anons to vent. The grief posts in the vent thread get quickly lost and it’s hard to thoughtfully reply in the middle of an infight about something asinine. I suppose anons struggling with pet loss could post in the respective X Love thread, but it doesn’t really mesh with the general vibe those threads have. I guess my point is that I feel uncomfortable policing how anons feel and that because of the vent thread derailing so often I saw there wasn’t an alternative for more serious topics like this. What you all do is up to you but I hope this thread remains supportive and kind. Regardless of the reason I hope everyone knows I am reading your comments and thinking of you all no matter what brought you here. I hope everyone can find some peace.

>>2347830
the only reason to have a separate thread imo would be because pet loss is very triggering to some people. and i dont think its anyones place to say its not the same, i was way more broken up when my dog died than when my absentee father did

>>2347830
Grief is grief anon, I personally see no reason to split the thread even further. I want to support someone through their loss just as I'd like an anon to offer me some kind words on those tough days where the wound feels re-opened.

>>2347657
thank you so much for your kind words nonny. i know what you mean about that drive being a painful reminder. it sounds like you were close. i’m so sorry about your dad. i hate how perfunctory saying those words feels sometimes, but i never know how else to express it because words aren’t ever enough. it doesn’t bother me to hear them though, because i get that.
rather than accepting “well grief is inevitable blah blah price of love,” i feel like instead i have become more angry and resistant to death, and i hate that everyone has to just live with this pain.

>>2348330
>i hate how perfunctory saying those words feels sometimes, but i never know how else to express it because words aren’t ever enough. it doesn’t bother me to hear them though, because i get that.
Thank you nona, your reply means a lot. I understand what you mean about the condolences. It always rung hollow from people irl mainly because it feels like none of those people really understood the grief. I’m the first person in my age group to have a major loss like this and many people just don’t know how to reply. It feels more genuine coming from others who have gone through something similar.

I saw someone mention that after their loved one passed, a coworker gave them condolences but also asked to hear a story about them. I really like that approach, it humanizes and quantifies the loss in some way to people who may not have known your loved one. So rather than expressing my condolences again do nonnies want to share a story instead? What was your loved one like?

My dad died in the summer when I was 16. I still remember it vividly, he had cancer for a long time and was suffering profusely to the end. Everytime I went to see him he would be in a poor mood and groaning from being in pain all the time. I would resent him for it at the time, because I wanted so badly for him to be like a normal dad and do things with me like he used to, but the cancer made him a shell of his former self. And then in the hospital they said he was basically in a coma and would never come out and my mom made the decision to pull the plug. I remember everyone asking me if I was okay and while everyone was talking I just walked away and stared blankly out of the window. I couldn't really comprehend what was happening and didn't feel any emotions at the time. I remember going back to school and our teachers asking us what we did over the summer and I couldn't even find the courage to tell people that my dad had died. I told myself "I never see my dad lately anyway, this just means I won't see him anymore at all" and it worked temporarily. I didn't realize that not dealing with the grief in the moment would fuck me up for years to come. I got severely depressed. I constantly had nightmares that my dad was still alive but was just avoiding me/didn't want to talk to me. I don't know why. I really wish the adults around me had encouraged me to work through my grief instead of just ignoring it… I miss him.

>>2348909
>had nightmares that my dad was still alive but was just avoiding me/didn't want to talk to me
I had a nightmare like this recently wtf. He was there but ignoring me?

>>2348962
It's like your subconscious knows they are missing from your life but doesn't know why. So it makes up some story that they are actually just mad at you/don't want to see you. It's really fucked up because in the dream you just want to talk to them more than ever but somehow even if you catch them they just don't say anything…

>>2348909
when my father died I constantly had dreams/nightmares he was still around and doing random stuff. last year my mother died and I also dream a lot about her, last night I dreamt she was trying to get me human trafficked in a cult kek my relationship with her was much worse than my dad so understandably the dreams are a bit disturbing and we never get along in them. in my dad's dreams he was always doing something that had nothing to do with me but I just noticed he was doing it (kinda like real life, he always doing his thing either work or hobby and I kinda just hang around)

>>2344659
You sound like the best granddaughter a grandma could have, and I'm sure she thought the same.

I'm not ready for this thread right now but my heart goes out to you nonnies and I will join you when I'm ready.

>Adult student is BPD, EUPD, OCD, depression, anxiety, drug addict
>ODs on valium and vodka, taken to hospital in ambulance
>Next day he cuts himself deeply needs stitches
>I call 999 and ask them to section him, they refer me to social services
>I call social services and ask to section him
>Social services dismisses me, lets him go
>Phone call of me begging social services to section him is played in court

1 month later:
>Spazzing out on campus
>Police arrive
>I warn police he keeps trying to cut and kill himself and that he’s been in and out of hospital
>I warn police he is attempting to obtain drugs to kill himself with and that they should stop him meeting his dealer which is what he was trying to do
>Police find weapon in his bag, return it to him (see previous points) and discover 2 drug driving priors
>Police dismiss me
>Police body worn footage played at the trial, shows her flirting with him instead of sectioning him
>Policewoman asks no questions about his suicide/mental health history

>12 hours later, he is dead

Story of how my student died because of a retarded horny police officer and an apathetic negligent Doctor. Am I crazy to think this policewoman and social services agent should be fired and feel lucky not to be charged with manslaughter?

Apparently just because he’s over 16 it’s not creepy for her to hit on him? She has 2 kids why would she think a young boy with a criminal past would be a suitable step dad. I feel so bad for them and the revolving door of criminals their weirdo cop Mom brings home.

My grandma's birthday is today. Happy birthday grandma, I love you and I miss you.

>>2349074
I'm so sorry, anon. It's frustrating how you were brushed off so many times. You aren't crazy for believing they should be held accountable. They totally fucked up. They should have been concerned and wanting to help as much as you were.

>>2349100
Happy birthday to your grandma, anon.

I miss my mom and my sister every single day and night. Some days the weight of knowing I have to live on without them is too heavy. I just want to hug them soooo badly. I want to feel their presence and hear their voices more than anything.

>>2349945
See, I know this to be true. But the coroner did not make a ruling that they contributed to his death, which makes me feel like I'm crazy.

>>2349074
That's really fucked up, anon. You did everything right and they still let this kid kill himself. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I hope my grief doesn’t sound petty compared to anons in this thread who have lost loved ones. I rescue animals for a living and my dogs and cats have always been my only family. They were with me in situations that I wouldn’t have wanted a human to see me in. And rescuing animals in the area I’ve lived the past decade is what I know I’m meant to do with my life. But it’s SO fucking hard losing such sweet innocent beings, especially ones that hardly got to experience love after the terrible things they go through. Losing my some of my own has been so unbearable. I’ve never found a way to cope with the fact that every single memory of them makes me so unfunctionably sad. How do I remember the good times? When will I be able to look at their pictures and not cry and want to just die with them? It’s worth it to me to pour my entire being into every single dog every single time regardless of the eventual detriment it may cause me because to that animal, its made life worth living despite what they’ve been through. I hardly interact with humans to be honest, I have no family and would be perfectly content just ceasing to exist but I think about how many animals I’ve loved and saved and the thought of where they would be if I wasn’t around hurts deeply. The highs are so high and the lows are so low with this work. Most people can’t understand, especially because I mourn over dogs and cats, when society views them as disposable. Yet I genuinely have trouble getting through a day without sobbing after unexpectedly losing one of my cats almost a year ago and then the other also unexpectedly shortly after. I feel I should be over it by now but it’s hasn’t gotten any less painful. I miss them so much. Everything would be so much easier to bear if they were still here. I never got the chance to give them the life they deserved. I can’t get over it.

>>2350099
Nona, I feel for you. I respect anyone who does what you do so much, it must be so unbelievably hard to lose pets like that and still keep going with your work. I don’t even know what to say except thank you for giving those animals the best chance at life they could’ve had.

>>2350189
Aw thank you for the kind words anon. I’m trying to get myself motivated for work today but am dreading it. All rescues are now only pulling dogs from LA which I completely understand but it means that no dogs will be leaving the area I live (which has a huge overpopulation problem) so the local animal control will have to put down so many dogs for the next two months. Our rescue is no kill but we take dogs from the local animal control who work just as hard to keep dogs alive. But right now there is just nothing to be done. I hate it. I have five large dogs of my own and I live with the dog trainers from the rescue who have seven dogs and we are fostering two we just picked up. Everything just keeps getting more and more ominous. I’m struggling with depression and hopelessness and don’t even have my kitties’ soothing purrs to calm the noise in my head. I can’t believe they’re really gone. We still had so many things we were going to do, even after 10 years.

>>2350067
Thanks I needed to hear this anon.