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No. 626317
>>626305You’re right & im feeling shame & humiliation as opposed to mild embarrassment from it. Forgot the website I was reaching out in kek
Sorry ladies & mods I tried to delete but wrong password
No. 627272
>>627254I was on a psych ward for about 3 months once (this was years ago) I had depression and knew nothing about PDs but I met all sorts of people living with them.. including men with diagnosed BPD. The mens and womens wards shared a common area during the day but our sleeping areas were kept seperate. I was glad, every BPD man in there seemed capable of fucking killing you in your sleep over any small disagreement.
The women were a little draining at times but I could have an annoying interaction with one and still sleep a few feet away from them that night without worrying for my safety.
No. 627342
>>627321I used to be close with someone who worked in a psychiatric hospital and this is an incredibly common story. According to her, virtually anyone who came in with a history of suicide attempts, depression, self-harm or a combination of the three, was diagnosed with BPD on the spot. What was really interesting to me was that she said it seemed the more attractive a woman was, the more likely she was to get a BPD diagnosis as well.
I'd get a second opinion if it really matters to you to have a diagnosis at all. I 100% agree that 3 days is not enough time to diagnose anyone with anything, let alone something incredibly stigmatizing and serious like a personality disorder.
No. 627467
>>627452Lol no, I simply don’t want a thread purely about how you cheat on your bf and excuse your own
abusive behavior and have no personal accountability. You cunts shit up every space on the internet with fake ass dddamaged personas. Not to mention it will attract scrote larp.
Just fuck off and focus on getting a real identity outside of meme diagnosis.
No. 627470
>>627467You act as if this website isn’t already shat up by bpdfags kek. Sorry to inform you but every image board is crawling with them, get over yourself.
Also I don’t see it as such a bad thing to have a thread for discussion about the disorder among others who are affected by it, but clearly it
triggers too many anons.
No. 627504
>>627489>posts in bpd thread>doesn’t have bpd ok
sorry for your loss tho, glad you feel better
No. 627560
>>627504I posted it mostly curious if anyone else has experienced that level of fact twisting from psychs. Someone who has the power to diagnose you just making shit up to get you to fit the criteria is a bit alarming
If this isn't the thread for that convo that's fair enough
No. 628347
>>628183The anons getting so worked up about it clearly have issues themselves.
The stigmatization by the bad apple drama queens from tumblr and instagram is very counter intuitive. It’s not self centered to have a thread where bpd anons can reach out to each other and discuss their issues. it’s just so hard for other farmers who’re
triggered to hide the thread or ignore it
No. 633440
>>633404It’s unfortunate that the people of this website perpetuate the stereotype that bpds are cheating, manipulative monsters when they are not.
Patience & mindfulness are super important to your treatment, it’s awesome that you have such a supportive friend & an understanding of your issues. Unfortunate about your mother, but most bpdfags come from the same cloth as their parents. My mother is the same way, I had to eventually learn to accept her as she is until she’s willing to change.
Good on you anon, keep on keeping on!
No. 633462
Thank you! I'm the fourth generation in a chain of parent-child abuse that's been perpetuating for god knows how long, so I'm hoping to break the cycle once and for all.
> It’s unfortunate that the people of this website perpetuate the stereotype that bpds are cheating, manipulative monsters when they are not.
This. I mean, are borderlines capable of manipulation? Yes. But the thing that non-BPDs have to keep in mind is that, in many of the cases, they literally aren't even aware of what they're doing.
There is no evil motivation in the mind of someone with BPD. It's just that their perspective of the world and what others think about them is so skewed and distorted that they actually believe their delusions are real—and subsequently act on them.
I wish more people would realize this and try to talk through things when they see a BPD-chan start to split or go into psychosis. The first step to mindfulness is helping the person become aware of their problematic behaviors. Unfortunately, for most people it's more convenient to just drop them like a hot potato when shit hits the fan.
Like, if it's a serious drain on you emotionally, then obviously don't sacrifice yourself to be the other person's therapist. But I think that most of us, as BPDs, are worth putting in the effort for, as we generally have a deep capacity for affection and just want someone to love. At least, that's how I feel.
No. 633488
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>>633462I'm BPD-chan. It doesn't matter if we aren't doing it on purpose. We can't ask anyone to have the mindset to play therapist every single time or even half the time, when they're on the receiving end of the 0 to 100 explosive rage we dole out. Let's be real, when you're already
feeling it it's too late, you're pretty much inconsolable. The other person has to right their "wrong" before your demon spirit can be appeased.
I consider myself to be "in recovery" because approximately 80-90% of splits don't result in severe
abusive or self-harming behavior. And I split A LOT. However the large part of this track record is team effort. My favorite person knows me extremely intimately, they know exactly how to navigate and defuse a situation when the big red meltdown timer starts beeping. There are extremely few people in an average neurotypical person's life who would be willing to learn and accommodate that much, let alone a mentally ill person who's prone to attract other mentally ill fags. It takes an extremely specific personality to mesh well with a BPD and not produce unhealthy dynamic.
I know a BPD-chan's core trauma has a lot to do with not being able to rely on others. But tbh, it's just fucking true. We are so extremely bad at self soothing. People either feel like they need to walk on eggshells as to not
trigger you or they can't be bothered and nope tf out. We truly can not expect others to share the burdens. I have been in many relationships, romantic and platonic, where the person is understanding and compassionate and they DO TRY but inevitably, they'll be too tired or too angry themselves to remember to help you.
Our only realistic option is keeping our heads down and learning to cope aka the most simple and the most difficult solution.
No. 633508
>>633462>…they literally aren't even aware of what they're doing… It's just that their perspective of the world and what others think about them is so skewed and distorted that they actually believe their delusions are realThis. My partner has BPD. Yeah, he's hurt me. He has never cheated nor given me reason to think he would. He has acted in manipulative ways, but he didn't do it knowingly. Most importantly he's worked really hard to change and control his behavior. For a while I had to fight for him to understand my perspective, but he truly did NOT realize his behaviors and actions were improper. People suffering from BPD literally do not have the mental/emotional tools to respond like a normal adult would. Would the same people bashing them blame a child with a hammer for accidentally smashing a vase when it didn't know any better? Doubt it. It's the same scenario for people with BPD.
For those who do have a diagnosis and/or people in their lives telling them they need help, and still choose not to address it - that's a problem. But they're people who suffer a lot due to their own volatile emotions, have fragile/nonexistent self confidence and are terrified of abandonment. No one is required to put up with their shit; if you don't want to interact with them that's fine. (Although you likely wouldn't realize someone had BPD just via casual acquaintance.) I think it's very dehumanizing, though, that many people automatically say they deserve no kindness or vilify them for having a mental illness that is often paired with childhood trauma.
No. 633514
>>633508>I think it's very dehumanizing, though, that many people automatically say they deserve no kindness or vilify them for having a mental illness that is often paired with childhood trauma.Not a BPD sufferer, but I agree. People don't like to hear this, but all personality disorders are largely a result of maladaptive coping skills and ways of relating to others which developed due to childhood trauma. It's basically pointless to complain about how horrible people with BPD or any other personality disorder are. They truly don't have the insight most of the time to understand how destructive their behavior is.
If someone with a personality disorder is abusing you or pushing you to a point where you're no longer able to tolerate them, your best course of action is to either try and establish very firm and specific boundaries with them, or to just walk away from the relationship completely.
No. 633515
>>633485It's true that a lot of symptoms of personality disorders overlap, and can even be difficult to distinguish from the autistic and schizophrenic spectrums as well. Over here you get screened with some kind of quiz, and I guess that whichever disorder has the highest number of points that you answer "yes" to is whatever they diagnose you with.
I think that a psych would look for certain telltale tendencies such as fear of abandonment, idealization and devaluation of friends/romantic partners, mood swings, and impulsive behavior.
People who look at a one-liner on an image board and automatically armchair diagnose you with BPD are full of shit, let's be real. At most, they're projecting, but it's honestly about as meaningful as calling someone "faggot" at this point. It will only bother you if you let it.
>>633488Tbh, even though I have good emotional support, I'm just as cynical about relying on others, which is why when I feel like I'm slipping, I just go silent and withdraw. I'm so terrified of losing anyone else that I just don't want to risk it anymore. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing to do, but at least it doesn't feel selfish.
Not to be edgy, but having BPD honestly feels like being cursed as a fucking werewolf. When you lose control, it's like you're reduced to some senseless beast acting entirely on instinct. And given enough time and failed attempts you can even "infect" others with the same lunacy.
No. 633616
Is it possible for it to be borderline if it only manifested in relationships?
In my past i didn't know about bpd. Was too possessive and jealous with my partners. To the point… I feel so ashamed of this, to the point I gave a suicide scare. I cant say for sure if i really meant to do it, but i certainly used it to my advantage, to get him to come to me. God I fucking hate myself for that. It makes me sick to think i did that. At the time I felt so afraid he would leave me, hate me, that he was partying with other girls or distancing himself, whatever
We both had an inkling i was fucked up/manipulative. We talked about how it came from my mom being weird(narcissist??) and how I had to get better. I felt really ashamed for a while, I felt like a monster irreparably unstable. honestly I guess I deserved to.
Anyway… since that relationship ended. I havent had any symptoms since. And I've never even done drugs/drank/anything reckless! (Born of fear from controlling parents)
Its always been in relationship context. In high school my bf was talking to a girl I knew he liked (ugh) and I started sobbing loudly to get his attention and dropping something, worrying people around me. I've hardly ever done anything that reflexive so it's scary when it happened. It was barely a choice in the moment, not that that justifies it.
Anyway to me this sounds like bpd?. But I've never been diagnosed and as stated I'm very reserved and don't take a lot of risks or whatever. If I told my doctors i dont think they'd diagnose me because i'm so gentle-seeming. But I don't know much about bpd. I'm really scared if I have it. I have diagnoses of 2 types of anxiety and depression, so you'd think that'd be enough…
I'm grateful I recognized my problem and fought it, I just hope those instincts never return please…
No. 633689
I'm not sure if this belongs here or in the vent thread, so I'm sorry ahead of time if I'm just clogging this one up. Anyway, my friend just got diagnosed with BPD, and frankly I'm relieved. I don't mean to say this in a braggadocious way, but I've known this for a while now. She was originally professionally diagnosed with bipolar I, however, that never really did fully explain her symptoms/how her behavior manifested. She's prone to volatile relationships and impulsive behavior. Last time I spoke to her, which was about 2 days ago now, she recorded and sent several videos (at her ex-fiance's apartment) to rant to me about how she came to the realization that she actually has BPD and is scared to check herself into a psychiatric facility. Fast forward to the next day and she sends me another string of videos where she's in her car on her way to work, telling me she spoke to someone on the phone at the inpatient she wanted to stay at, who was really understanding and gave her his personal number if she ever needed to reach out to him. I tried texting her yesterday, but got no response. I really hope she actually did voluntarily check herself in, but I also fear for the worst. Suicidal thoughts aren't uncommon for her. She's had a really rough time these past several years, and it pains me to see that a lot of it stems from her mental illness.
No. 633710
>>633488>We can't ask anyone to have the mindset to play therapist every single time or even half the time, when they're on the receiving end of the 0 to 100 explosive rage we dole out.God. This. As someone who's been in a relationship with a BPD-chan and had to be in the receiving end it's exhausting and fucking SCARY to be the sap having to deal with a BPD-chan's meltdown. What exactly do you say when someone's screaming their head off about how she wants to kill herself and will commit suicide right then and there because someone was vaguely rude to her and now she's played out the scenario right out of proportions in her head? At the same time I know she's just lashing out but also it's fucking traumatizing and I will be scared of witnessing that amount of sheer anger again.
I can't be expected to have the professionalism and patience of a trained therapist. All this "You just have to calm them down and remind them everyone loves them uwu" talk is infuriating because when a BPD-chan splits it can take hours to calm them down. Hours out of my own personal life. Many times I had to stay up trying to calm them down until 4 AM despite having work in the morning. And I will
never get any of those sacrifices in return because a BPD-chan always needs to be the center of everyone's universe. Lovebombing during highs isn't taking care of someone or helping out, it's just trying to trap them to be in debt to them.
No. 634160
>>633633Am the anon, I agree strongly and thats why Im hesitant to label it. But I am afraid that my issues will return if I get in another relationship. I am worried I won't recognize/have the tools to change my behavior. If it is bpd then knowing this could help my treatment, but i know it also could not be and honestly hope not. Ik people can work on issues without it being labelled but for the past year or so I totally forgot I even did those things. I don't want to downplay my problem, or not know how to fix it because it feels impossible to ignore when it happens. Even with trying to distract myself or meditation liked I tried on my own
>>633644 Hm thanks, well knowing this I'll bring it up to my therapist next time. Like I said I doubt I would be easily diagnosed because I dont seem that way otherwise. But in therapy I've mostly avoided talking about my relationships. I had a problem that I was ashamed/too upset emotionally that I would rather not deal with it. I got really embarrassed scared and sweaty to think about telling them, "Im afraid my bf would cheat, i have some kind of complex about other girls" because it was unpleasant, awkward and obviously shameful… Obviously though therapy is meant to deal with the tough emotions and shame lol and i see that now. Ty
No. 634380
>>633616I don't think just being jealous/possessive in a relationship is enough to have BPD. You sound pretty normal otherwise. It does sound like you have abandonment issues though and should consider seeing a therapist to work through them.
Also, to my understanding, reckless impulsivity is pretty much a guarantee with BPD.
No. 1112782
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Hey yo what's up didn't we had our own thread, much love ya'll this BPD is mother bitch of personality disorders. Hang in there.
No. 1132354
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Have often made fun of the BPDfags on here but recently realized that all my defining moments in life point to BPD. Feels bad man.
So my question is, can you actually get better? Or am I just doomed to being a horny destructive retard in my lowest moments for eternity?
No. 1132610
File: 1649791240568.jpg (309.91 KB, 1125x1396, Meiko Kaji Hug.jpg)
>>1132552Damn shit girl, I'm sorry to hear that. I send you hugs tho
No. 1132851
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33 and mostly stable for over a decade with episodes of being a bpd mess sprinkled here and there. I was diagnosed at 19 and have dealt with an isolated suicide attempt, anorexia then binge eating, alcohol and rehab, smoking, terrible all over the place relationships, unstable employment etc.
I’ve hopefully put all that behind me. I have been sober for 3+ years and don’t feel any pull towards alcohol or drugs. I quit smoking around the same time and similarly no desire to return to it. I have been a stable 135lbs at 5’9 for almost 10 years without destructive food habits. I’ve been a happy and I would say healthy relationship for a year. I’ve also been at my current job for a year and it’s been going well although I hate working.
I have never properly engaged with talk therapy and the only time I regularly saw a psychiatrist he was more a mess than his patients and was arrested for cooking meth one day and I never saw him again.
My PCP handles the lamotrigine I’ve been on since 19 but tbh I don’t know how much it really does for me anymore.
Anyway I guess the point of my blog is maybe that it can get better with time.
The one thing I struggle with is debt and spending money on things I don’t need and I wish I could figure out how to stop.
No. 1133202
>>1132851Congrats anon, hope things stay stable for you! Also what the fuck with the psychiatrist lmao
How much lamotrigine are you taking? Do you think maybe about finding another psych and trying going off it someday?
No. 1133595
>>1132851So what changed for you? Just sobriety? I'm supposed to be taking lamotrigine now too but I have a hard time remembering to take it every day.
I'm 30 and feel hopeless. I did DBT for almost 3 years (a few year ago) and I did find it helpful. It's allowed me to actually keep some close relationships (I somehow have a very kind and supportive boyfriend) - I learned about validation and empathy… wild concepts, huh? But I'm still really depressed, extremely self-destructive and engage in risky behavior and self-harm/substance abuse. I don't do talk therapy cause my mood is too unpredictable to actually keep appointments and I feel deep discomfort talking to a stranger about my trauma. I've been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar2 with a gross history of psychosis, suicide attempts, emotional manipulation towards others, etc. I thought I was getting better but I feel totally out of my mind lately… I know I need more, actual help but I feel too far gone to actually get it now.
It helps reading other people's accounts of BPD. I'm not really ok right now so thanks for the thread.
No. 1135692
File: 1650006850596.png (708.31 KB, 640x640, 1595259620551.png)
>>1133202thanks nona, I do too. Lol I know it was pretty crazy although he was super unrelaible, always canceling appointments last minute and when he did show up he was disheveled and would answer his phone during appointmets. He had his lecence taken away very early in his career for prescription fraud to feed his own oxy addiction but got clean and eventually got his licence back. If you googled his name it came up and he alluded to it in sessions occasionally but my takeaway was that maybe it made him a better psych cos he could relate or whatever but I didn't realize he was spiralling at the time again until one day he just vanished and the clinic was like "you need a new dr lol." And then on ratemds dot com his former patients flooded his profile with disgruntled 1 star reviews and the story came out.
Anyway although he was a huge mess, I did appreciate the help he gave me. I tried two more psychs after him and they irritated me, doubting my symptoms etc because now I present as stable. It's like… do you want me to act out some mania for you here and now to prove I'm actually in need of a psychiatrist. Anyway I didn't go back. If I felt like I wasn't manageing any more or I was relapsing I would definitely seek out another psychiatrist.
I'm on 400mg lamotrigine and I also take tramadol long term which was prescribed by my former psychiatrist and his reasoning was that it can be helpful in depression that doesn't respond to ssris and tbh I really think it has helped. As for going off them, I think possibly one day? They don't do me any harm I don't think, I'm just afraid of losing control and regressing off them but that's probably not totally rational.
>>1133595I'm sorry to hear you are struggling
nonnie. Sobriety has been the biggest turning point. Alcohol made me unpredictable, depressive and destructive. Another thing was leaving a totally
toxic job situation that was making me crazy. And more and more avoiding people who are walking
triggers. I hear you with the forgetting to take lamotrigine. If I fall off the wagon with taking it, I just take it as soon as I remember and try not to beat myself up for missing a dose or two. I have been on it long enough that there's no need to taper up each time etc.
I recently read "The body keeps the score" and although it was a slog, there were some treatment options in there that were novel and I felt could work. Specifically neurofeedback. I wonder if something like that is an option where you live or with your insurance?
Either way nona I wish you the best. Sometimes life is more drudgery than others and I hope soon you can find a little more peace and enjoyment. If you struggle with sobriety, I would maybe tackle that one first and hopefully that sets momentum for better thing to come.
No. 1136845
File: 1650091780211.png (2.09 MB, 1650x2550, BPD Physical Management Chart.…)
I made this chart thinking that maybe it could help some of you nonnies as much as it has helped me. Basically it is a "replacement" chart where you put the healthy counterpart to the things that give us short term relief but aren't good for our overall health. Let me break it down:
Disclaimer all the food products listed here that I have approved for my daily consumption don't have the black seals (or at least only 1 or 2) displayed at the bottom of the chart. The health ministry pushed this in order to combat the child obesity epidemic we have in my country.
>SUGAR:
So in order to limit my refined sugar consumption I like to drink Bonafont Levite because it tastes amazing, sweet as fuck and is literally water.
>SMOKING:
Usually I combat this by exercising but I can't just stand up and leave work to go out and do some cardio. Instead I grab a raw honey lollipop they sell at my local pharmacy and pop it in my mouth. If I'm not feeling that, I have a stash of chupa chups plastic sticks, they're hollow and have a small hole at the beginning of the stick. So I just put one in my mouth and pretend it is a cigarette, I "smoke" it just as I would a normal cigarette but in reality I'm just mimicking the inhaling motion and reward from the oxygenation I'm receiving.
>ALCOHOL:
My use of alcohol was always about "chilling out" so I exchanged it for aromatherapy. I have an oil diffuser that I can use pretty much throughout the entire day and if I want something stronger I put on some incense.
>DRUGS:
Okay so I was a heroin junkie and loved ecstasy, these kinda things have to be cut out COMPLETELY out of your life. I'll always miss it but I found a way to get around cravings of getting knocked-out while having a dopamine rush. What I do when I'm completely overwhelmed is I put on a migraine mask I got from Amazon and some earbuds with nature sounds/white noise. It feels like I'm floating in space plus I can't see or hear anything but my earbuds. What's great about this is that it is easily disguisable as "Hey guys I'm getting a migraine I'll be in the restroom for a while with my mask" and literally just disappear in the bathroom for as long as you want.
>FOOD ANXIETY:
Sometimes I get what I call "food anxiety" which is pretty much me just wanting to be chewing on something. So I always have by my desk a cereal container with Special K, because is not as sugary as a standard cereal but not as bland as zero sugar cereals.
>CHOCOLATE:
Who doesn't fucking love chocolate? I do but it unbalances my brain chemicals because of the dopamine spikes it creates, so I can't consume it willy-nilly. Instead I make a homemade cashew and raw honey special batch just for those occasions of instability like my period or the existence of troons/moids.
>CAFFEINE:
Now with caffeine I don't as big as a problem with for example smoking, but it was still a big part of my life, so instead I exchanged it for a super special treat. Matcha milk tea. Matcha doesn't have as much caffeine as regular coffee plus it has quiet a few benefits, so I get it when I've had a rough day or just feel like I deserve it, we all deserve delicious matcha.
I'm from latam so maybe a lot of these choices/options aren't available nor suitable for some nonnies but take this as more of a guide for you to place the things that are available, affordable and useful to your unique situation. I send you all much love and hugs. ♥
No. 1138717
File: 1650259156539.jpg (56.2 KB, 627x319, 1644347964479.jpg)
>>1138694I'm here for you
nonny No. 1139095
>>1136845This is a good idea. Ty
nonnie, I think I’m going to make my own chart. I struggle sometimes with limiting caffeine and alcohol so this will be useful for me.
No. 1139179
>>1139152Ok. I was diagnosed with it at 17, when I turned 18 I was passed to an adult service and they said it was a response to trauma and "thoughts and feelings" and that I would need to experience it all the time for it to count as psychosis. The whole reason I had the episode in the first place is that my friend called the ambulance because I was acting erratic and violent and for some reason I thought police would arrest me if the ambulance came. But I never told the mental health service that.
>>1139154>>1139157Possibly idk.
No. 1139188
>>1139170Alright thanks for informing me. Then I hope despite the fact my roommate is a cunt and meanie her financial issues will dissolve.
>>1139163i used to draw digitally portraits and random things but right now mostly pencil still life sketches of nature, buildings and sometimes people. You?
No. 1139202
File: 1650302531921.gif (123.92 KB, 200x200, 12932064075.gif)
I always go to read places like r/bpd_lovedones and the mental illness hate thread and then feel like shit
Someone said on leddit BPDs are not capable of empathy or feeling love. I feel these very much, have I just imagined them? I feel like I should cut contact with all people and live on NEETbux to not hurt anyone.
No. 1139224
I have been in therapy for many years and just some months ago my therapist told me that I have bpd while I thought it was depression. I was surprised to hear it since this website has demonised bpd-chans and aside from feeling very dramatic,"splitting"(just learned the word from this thread thanks kek)and having an unstable sense of self sometimes, I'm not attention whoring, I don't lash out to people and I don't expect them to be my personal therapist. I even try my best not to bother my therapist unless I feel genuinely terrible. My life experiences and some of the symptoms do match bpd but in no way in hell I act so bad as many of you say.
leave the bpd thread alone and let bpd-chans talk about their experiences without shitting the thread.
>>1139202what
>>1139216 said.
No. 1139227
>>1139224Femember that bpd is being thrown around as a diagnosis for women, it's almost like modern hysteria. I'm not saying it's always invalid, but therapists are
trigger happy to describe women as such even though may have completely different mental illness or personality disorder.
Have you considered bipolar? You mentioned thinking you have depression, that would be more in line
No. 1139247
>>1139227I've been in therapy for almost 10 years for depression and anxiety mainly. Idk where you are from and tbh idk the situation with therapists in my country in general, but the one I have is pretty chill and doesn't even label things like that from what I've noticed so that I don't get attached to labels so I believe that her telling me about bpd after all these years was something she noticed after chronic observation. I was starting questioning my behavior since I didn't feel as depressed anymore yet I still had those shitty mood swings and I thought about bipolar, but she told me it's bpd. And she gave me a book where I read an excerpt that fit me and my experiences a lot so I don't question it.
>>1139240>my bpd experience is just me at war with MYSELF 24/7that's how I feel on my bad days like recently. I feel this shitty emptiness and purposelessness and it's just unbearable. It sucks you go through this anon, have you been getting professional help?
No. 1141156
File: 1650444679610.png (63.22 KB, 500x413, E8730DDD-70C2-48DB-862B-66EC65…)
>>1141149I let them run their course tbh. Every time those thoughts pop up im just like picrel.
No. 1146778
File: 1650854068555.jpg (55.03 KB, 563x620, 37626a1e00425e3de4c3aa37360acd…)
I hate that the whole amber vs deep debacle is gonna bring a lot of negative attention to BPD and just going to demonise us more.
No. 1146798
File: 1650855996209.jpeg (78.23 KB, 469x708, 74522859-4913-4E3A-A8AE-72C330…)
>>1146778People have already been demonizing us for a long time. Also what Depp claiming her dv scars on the back of her arm were "self harm" is truly vile and I hope he rots in hell. And it still would be concerning, because why would she be self harming if the relationship weren't awful? Either way that manchild has dug his grave, he even threatened self harm himself. It's so easily for mentally ill men, while us women just get shit for being impulsive. We can never win. If we're docile we didn't fight back hard enough, if we're aggressive then we caused the fight. There is no easy middle ground for women with personality or mood disorders
No. 1146803
>>1146798i'm not BPD so i can't speak to what you guys go through but i can see easily how amber or anyone else could be
triggered by repeatedly being ignored or stonewalled. i think that's what did their relationship in and i think that's what does a lot of reltionships with women with BPD in, because men simply will not comply with women's pleas to be reassured and comforted even though it causes them anguish. i think in relationships the BPD thing is overblown and often is ignited and made much worse by average male behavior which isn't even tolerable or acceptable for women without BPD. then add in the mix someone who has a personality disorder based around insecurity and the constant feeling of abandonment… it's very sad there's no sympathy. i do think a lot of BPD cases are C-PTSD though.
No. 1146821
>>1133595sage for long and autistic but maybe this can help some anons:
Another 30 something who was diagnosed at 18.
I think a lot of the problem is most therapy doesn't focus on building up the person's stable sense of self but is focused on eliminating antisocial and negative behaviors, like cutting and splitting, in theory that once those behaviors are under control the person can get a job, relationship, ect and build their life. In actuality though most people can sense the empty shell of a human being in front of them and can't relate, so they step back- except for sociopaths and narcs, who specifically look for those people to exploit. I also think that the nature of BPD treatment, where you learn that you cannot trust your own perception of people and events, also causes a lot of people to then not trust themselves at all become reliant on other people to understand the dynamics of a situation which opens them up for exploitation, which leads to continued re-traumatization and inability to grow in life.
The most important thing all anons can do is to grow their stable sense of identity, and focus on developing your genuine interests and hobbies and opinions outside of other people, because that will also help attract real and stable relationships to you, instead of users looking for vulnerable people. There is concept of masks in sociology, where everyone "animates" different pre-existing masks in society like mother, teacher, junkie, singer, ect. In primitive societies most people just wear the 1-2 masks their whole life (child>mother) while in more advanced societies people will have many masks that switch out throughout their life. With BPD, neetism and other mental disorders you don't really develop your life, you become socially isolated, so you end up with the stigmatized mask of "patient" or "sick person" which makes it impossible to create relationships with functioning adults and gain social resources to ascend. Don't wait till almost your mid 30s to find that out like me.Even if you are de facto a neet loser with nothing, having your own opinions, interests, niche hobbies, goals in life (specific goals not vague "I want to travel" but "I love ruins and ancient history. I really want to visit Scotland, they have the largest amount of old castles on Europe. You know Game of Thrones? They filmed a lot of that in Scotland. ") ect can go a long way to astroturfing a normative life. I can say 100% this last 5 years is probably the best period of my life in terms of friendships and people around me, and I mostly stopped being BPD
triggered by interpersonal conflict, which allowed me to finally focus on my other problems (lack of adult skills like time management, fear of intimacy, non- existent social skills).
No. 1146942
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>>1146798>>1146810>>1146815>>1146778Not a BPDfag, but I just want to give you a hug. It's scary how little sympathy people have for her and how everyone is gloating about her suffering and saying that a personality disorder or making mistakes is enough of a justification to abuse a woman and then punish her for speaking out without naming anyone.
No. 1146950
>>1146821>most therapy doesn't focus on building up the person's stable sense of self but is focused on eliminating antisocial and negative behaviors, like cutting and splittingbecause bpd therapy as it is right now is not designed to help the bpd patient but to control their behaivors in front of others so they don't incovenience them. You send a bpd person into therapy so they stop inconveniencing
you, not to actually help them. There's so much stigma around bpd still. Everyone still thinks we're incapable of love.
No. 1147018
>>1147016>peaceful imageboard>when celebricows and artsalt thread exists?????
This thread is for advice and venting, similar to the autism and adhd threads, I see no problem with it. Also, read the rules
>Don’t go into a thread to complain about the exact same thread. Hide threads you don’t want to see. No. 1147021
>>1147016>>1146980>>1146961>>1146955newfag read the rules.
this is a female focused imageboard. a lot of women are diagnosed with BPD. it checks.
No. 1147069
>>1147029Will you fucking parrots ever stop saying this shit? So many women are neglected and or emotionally abused in their childhood because women aren’r seen as fully human by everyone else, add sexual abuse/harassment to the mix, constant misogynistic messaging and female socialization and of course most women who are sensitive at their core and prone to it will show symptoms of bpd, its the same with men, if they face trauma they become anti social narcissists but instead of it eating at them it eats at everyone else so it isnt addressed
Schizo rant over
No. 1148246
>>1147069I agree with this. Women go through hell and are pitied for being
victims of abuse, but then once the harsh reality of what being an abuse
victim sets in, through BPD or other mental disorders, they are suddenly scum of the earth who deserve everything bad happening to them. Why is that? I understand BPD is a pain to deal with but I hate when people say they support
victims of abuse but their empathy stops at BPD developing.
Ultimately we're in charge of bettering ourselves, we can't rely on others to make things better, but we never asked for this to happen to us to begin with.
No. 1148271
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>>1148046Thank you girl I would love that ♥
No. 1148570
>>1147225Thank you anon, this thought
>You don't even have to do anything in particular, just being not dead is the one thing you need to give you the chance that everything can get better. is a really good one to live by, when the struggle gets worse, I'll follow your example
No. 1155010
i have bpd, but i guess it’s the “quiet” kind? i have no issues maintaining friendships or work, but i do deal with body image issues, suicidal thoughts, an eating disorder, self harm, the usual, etc, and my boyfriend always tends to have to deal with the worst of my emotional issue, mood swings, and splitting. most of my issues resulted from trauma/behaviors from my family. my mom has bpd too and she also maintains her work and friendships incredibly well but was abusive to me and my dad. i inherited most of her behaviors to an extent (and they’re all pretty textbook bpd). she would accuse me of hating her and wanting her to die, threatening to cut off her body parts/kill herself if i didn’t do what she said, driving away in her car when she was mad and going no contact for hours and hours, accuse my dad of cheating on her and not loving her, not caring enough, etc. she would also hit me and my dad and break my possessions but i fortunately didn’t inherit any physically abusive behaviors from her.
the only thing that’s consistently helped me has been psychedelics. i’ve done shrooms around 5 times, lsd twice. i take them once or twice a year. every time after i feel like i can easily see things in a new perspective even though i already knew what to do in the first place. like i know that splitting is irrational, and i know that all of my mental breakdowns, self-destructive behaviors, and desire to cut people off because of splitting is even more crazy and irrational. it just felt like it was impossible to stop myself even though i know i shouldn’t. the splitting doesn’t go away but it’s 10,000,000 times easier to manage and snap myself out of it. it makes it easier to internalize the idea that nobody hates me, and the people around me can’t be “perfect” and cater to me all the time, and that nothing they do or say is really personal. i also learn come to a bunch of realizations about the earth, time, hippie dippie stuff while on them but that’s not really related to bpd.
i wish i could explain better but it’s hard to unless you do them yourself. i don’t have a history of psychosis and i’d only recommend doing them if you don’t either. also if you want to do them you’ll have to taper off of ssris because they negate almost all effect psychedelics have
No. 1159089
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>>1159082'le science book' go back to reddit you depp obsessed moid
No. 1159095
>>1159091I’m just tired of seeing this pushed at women when women with bpd were more likely to be reactively
abusive. Which is not the same thing.
No. 1159128
>>1159070>In autism your sensory part of your brain is wired very tightly so all of your sensory input is playing off each other meaning your aware of everything. I used to be hypersensitive and socks, clothing tags, wool, some smells would make me go nuts. As I got older it got better, but to the point I'm hyposensitive and have trouble identifying pain and emotions sometimes. These things can change during puberty!
>There can be many but they are consistent and it’s hard to explain how they feel. But without them people with ASD meltdown and can’t function as well. I feel like female spergs have more interests? Of course the ones from childhood are still with me, but many evolved and different ones get hyperfocused on at a time. I used to be called a walking encyclopedia because of it, partially because I did try to memorize those as soon as I could read. Scrotes just get obsessed with one thing and one thing only. I feel like I can somewhat force it to even help me with work, to dive into a new upcoming subject. I also picked a job with lots of routine and strict procedures, so it's auti-friendly.
>the brain hyper fixated and a thought sends the emotional spiraling.Spergs can struggle with that too, but in a different way, because it's common to have a form of OCD to go along with the tism. Sorry for massive derail, but wanted to add my 2 cents.
No. 1159186
>>1159094I agree with you. Every symptom of BPD - in men - can and typically is attributed to another disorder, if they ever seek treatment at all. Drug use is substance abuse disorder, sexual promiscuity is an “atta boy!” 95% of the time and sex addiction when there’s a marriage at stake, inability to keep a stable relationship is just “he can’t be tied down” or “he just hasn’t found the one yet!,” rage is “anger issues,” explosive reactivity is intermittent explosive disorder, self-harm and suicidality is just regular depression.
Meanwhile if women do drugs it’s impulsivity and BPD, have sex with more than 1 person a year it’s BPD, if they date assholes (which oh by the fucking way, how much of who we date is socially coerced with the “give him a chance, women are too picky” bullshit?) and don’t stay with them forever it’s BPD, if they get angry to even a fraction of the rage any man feels on any given day it’s BPD, and if you self harm? Well obviously it’s BPD. It’s over-diagnosed on sexist and generalized criteria with such zero compassion.
No. 1159498
>>1159186so true that it makes me so upset.
t. not bpdchan just annoyed at how "psychology" is so blatantly misogynistic
No. 1159592
I was diagnosed with bpd but I realise I'm not. I function completely fine in all my other realtionships, and acting out and being "crazy" when being abused(we're talking rape, violence, verbal abuse, isolation, gaslighting) is actually completely normal and not a mental illness. Everyone would go insane under those circumstances. Crying and feeling abandoned after being isolated from all my friends by a partner then abandoned while sick isn't a bpd symptom. Coping with drugs due to flashbacks from rape isn't bpd. Then being suicidal when I'm verbally abused and treated like shit bc I cry when I have flashbacks by my next bf isn't bpd. Having low self esteem from constantly being told I'm worth nothing, that I am less than a worm, that I am a bitch and a cunt, isn't bpd. Having anxiety after death threats isn't bpd. Being uncontrollably angry after being in that situation isn't bpd. I probably have a pinch of ptsd after being abused my whole life though.
Fuck that faggot moid therapist that completely ignored me telling him about my abusive childhood and relationships and slapped bpd on me for coping with drug abuse and self harm, as well as acting out when being abused by the moid I was dating.
I think most women with bpd aren't actually bpd, they are just (understandably) reacting to an abusive situation. Most men have bpd though, but they will never be diagnosed with it bc its just normal for men to threaten to kill themselves, kill their spouses, punch walls, do drugs, abandon their partners, lovebomb their partners etc.
No. 1159619
>>1159592It’s just so compassionless. You were raped. You probably have PTSD. Male (American) Iraq veterans with PTSD come home and hear a firework and fucking murder people. They beat their wives and have catastrophic public meltdowns that should totally disqualify them from being able to even participate in society, but they do and they get EXCUSED for it. Understood for their totally insane and unhinged behavior because it was just so hard for them. They enlisted, they invaded another country, they killed people, they are in most rites both responsible for and the perpetrator of the things that happened to them but society still views them as
victims. They’re seen as heroes. Meanwhile women don’t get that same extension of compassion when they were raped. They get told they were asking for it, and then you’re labeled as not only crazy but unworthy of love or sympathy, according to some of the anons ITT.
No. 1166473
>>1166446I recently left a friend group because of a BPD girl inside of it. I have extreme symptoms. I have dissociation, self hatred, extreme suicidal ideation since my childhood, thought confusion, paranoia but in my friend group nobody cares about my mental illness and I don't take it out on others, nobody cares about me because I have avoidant traits and struggle pursuing people. She literally tells everyone how she has BPD how she has to take meds how hard it is for her and how she wants to kill herself and everyone believes it and empathizes with her and if you are not super empathetic she treats you and guilt trips you into believing you're a monster and that there's something wrong with you. Nobody cares about me although my environment is very bad and I've been on the verge of suicide for 13 years. I just keep it inside and try to treat others with respect. I've been opposing her recently so she's been trying to destroy me. She made me leave the group and she gossips about me. Calls me a whore, a schizo makes up shit about me only because I opposed her shit behavior. She guilt tripped me about my abuse and symptoms while she whines non stop about LE SOCIAL ANXIETY yet I don't see any social anxiety in her.
3 years ago I had a BPD friend and I tolerated all her shit because she convinced me she was Ill and I felt like she understood me because I am very ill too but in the end I don't shout at others or break stuff or guilt trip them or treat them as I would not like to be treated. She broke a bottle in my head, groomed me into sex work, made me pay for her rent for 2 years, started to date me and lied to me that she was in love with me just to keep me trapped, convinced me to have sex with her and her older boyfriend. Would self harm in front of me. I'm a self harmer too but don't use it on others and am embarrassed by it, I am suicidal too but I don't talk about it non stop, I have social anxiety, paranoia, self hatred and so on but never in my life I have acted like these bitches and believe me I have enough hate inside of me. They want to control everything and anyone and once you oppose or leave their
abusive asses they try to ruin you or make you regret it.
No. 1166532
>>1166515maybe you don't have BPD. Do you have fear of abandonment? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you want to control people? My symptoms could be literally used for a BPD diagnosis but I don't have it. I don't throw tantrums or hurt others or try to get them on my side ETC I am very avoidant. Maybe you have avoidant personality disorder with PTSD. The BPDs I've observed and encountered were not even childhood abuse
victims. They had normal childhoods but had some inborn sociopathic element. I've seen women wrongfully diagnosed with BPD and I was convinced they had PTSD or avoidant personality disorder. Cluster B has a very high narcissistic and sociopathic element other mental illnesses don't.
Women with autism, PTSD, cluster C personality disorder usually bekueve have BPD or are diagnosed with it. BPD has sociopathic elements.
No. 1166537
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Can we get a thread that doesn't devolve into infight sperging about namefags for one fucking day?
No. 1166550
>>1166540Like a thousand of us haven't warned these dumbass teenage girls about the fact their edgy internet narc bf who does xannies all day and is covered in tattoos is a piece of shit. hell, i've even seen moids warn them and it just makes them want to fuck them even more.
shit's gross.
No. 1166551
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>>1166535Don't take the bait, please.
No. 1166553
>>1166538the problem with them is not that they were groomed. The problem is that a lot of them have sociopathic tendencies and want to hurt others or keep them as emotional hostages.
>>1166541Maybe if you wouldn't alog me and call me a serial killer for being abused at 8 and raped for 3 months on end while you yourself ask for endless empathy from people, maybe then I wouldn't break down anymore an wish death on the human kind for never receiving any real empathy, giving it to everyone and having everyone blame me for my extreme abuse and guilt trip me. Stop proving me that humanity is shit and everyone is a sociopath. Maybe you should blame the system for leaving me in such circumstances or the adults that raped and abused me when I was 8
No. 1187957
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Anons,do you have any advice on how to safely process a trigger?
I'm working hard on managing myself better, meditation and medication seem to be a good combo, although there are still situations in which the former is unavailable and latter is not enough; and certain specific triggers I don't know how to handle well. Just got myself in a situation that normally would lead to something awful, it's been almost 2 hours and I'm still holding onto stability but it feels like it's eating me on the inside like a parasite and it can get bad at any moment. I suppose this kind of worry just makes me spiral more but I'm stressed and don't know what to do. Has any of you experienced something similar? Have any tip on how to deal with it?
No. 1188013
>>1187969Just reading through these steps feels helpful, thank you! I'll look into his books.
(Also what a soothing web design on the early 00s)
>>1187963Totally, it's the case for me actually. This is a good article about these going hand in hand
https://themighty.com/2019/11/i-have-both-borderline-and-avoidant-personality-disorder/ No. 1189034
>>1188962I’m sorry anon. I try to avoid the internet because of how much garbage is on there. Not all BPD people are evil. It’s pretty fucked up for people to demonize a subset of people who have the most self-harm issues out of all Cluster B PDs. I am a former self harmer and I have noticed that some articles make us out to be fundamentally manipulative, even in the case of self harm and suicidal ideation, which is not true and is really harmful in the instance that someone is actually going to hurt themselves (which was 100% my motivation for SH). I have always been ashamed of my scars and people finding out, it’s just embarrassing.
Remember, we don’t necessarily cause our own problems, but we are the only one who can fix them. The second thing to remember is that everyone is trying the best that they can.
I hate to preach about DBT but I really hope that you can get into some courses because they have really been the game changer for understanding myself and the world around me. The internet on BPD is a massive shithole and makes you feel worse about yourself which sucks considering we have low self esteem to begin with. I have also seen so many people with BPD who have done DBT for years after growing up in an
abusive environment, being proactive to fix their BPD, ultimately proving that we have the ability to overcome this disorder.
No. 1190318
>>1190287Nta but you're the new one for posting in the wrong thread when you have your own thread to screech about the mentally ill women you hate.
>>1190300She's only posting to
trigger responses. Ignore and report for posing in the wrong thread.
No. 1190356
>>1190177NTA but agreed, cows like Shayna Clifford are not BPD. Shayna's pandering to men to affirm herself with no empathy for anyone around her is textbook NPD.
>>1190153The stigma around BPD is why nobody except narcissistic ewhores publicly come out about having it. I'm the type of borderline who can't control my emotions (so, not quiet/RO) but even then, I keep my diagnosis to myself out of fear of what people will assume about me. Only my family knows of my emotional outbursts. Kids at school just thought I was a crybaby.
I get so
triggered when I see ewhores with their full names using BPD and other mental illnesses to be the "cute but psycho" trope online to appeal to men. I know that I attract the worst kind of men as a codependent and it scared the shit out of me until I met my sweet normie bf. I can't imagine why a woman would ever want to amplify the amount of moids looking to use and/or abuse her, making them think she's an easy target with no self-esteem like someone with BPD. People with BPD literally attract the worst kinds of moids.
>>1190233>>1190236Anons, I recommend ignoring these types of anons. They are all over the internet and IRL; these types of people are misinformed and just despise people with BPD so you'll never appease them. They hate us when we self-blame ("You complain too much, you're fishing for compliments") and they hate us when we assign some blame to other people ("Take some accountability").
BPDs are super sensitive so it might fall on deaf ears if I say this but ignore them because their opinions don't matter. This is an anonymous image board and no one knows how much work and struggle you've put into fixing yourself. As soon as you mention BPD they're going to be hostile no matter what.
No. 1190377
>>1190269NTA but anon, I suggest you find another thread. It appears that maybe I can suggest you do some more research on BPDs, which fundamentally blame themselves. NPDs do the opposite. I understand your strong bias against BPDs if your only interaction with BPDs is terrible but understand that a lot of kind people have BPD. They just don't admit it because they are ashamed and scared of the judgment that comes with it, even if their BPD is a result of childhood trauma. People with BPD don't deserve to be treated with animosity right off the bat just because of their illness.
In my experience as someone who has been proactive about treating my own BPD, I can say that BPD people are often the ones who seek out the mental health treatment, whereas it is impossible to get NPDs and ASPDs to do the same unless it's court ordered–literally. I'm in group therapy and everyone's parents are narcissists who insist they've done nothing wrong at all ever while bullying and taunting their BPD kids for suicide attempts and so on. BPDs usually learn their behaviors (e.g., black and white thinking) from an invalidating environment (like parents with NPD). Understanding the failures of your childhood environment and the people around you then doesn't mean the BPD person isn't responsible for fixing their own problems now. If they want to get better, the BPD patient has to unlearn the learned behaviors that were taught in childhood. I repeat, only we can fix our problems.
No. 1192049
>>1190393Kek what kind of person capable of empathy would continue to pander to a customer that was a secret customer of his sex worker daughter? Or read her LC thread, seeing critiques of how her actions are actually enabling pedophiles, and still continuing? Shayna and the other ewhores are narcissists through and through. NPD is never diagnosed though because they never admit they have a problem.
If you think she has BPD then tell me her symptoms that prove it. For one, please show me her extreme emotional outbursts because I have never seen that woman go through emotional extremes. Above all else, we know that she is addicted to attention and validation. Every partner she has loved was someone who affirmed her internet identity and her vision of what she wanted to be like at the time. Her overlooking something as morally repungent as pedophilia for her own income is also classic narcissism as well.
No. 1193646
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Is it okay to say I’m recovered because I no longer have “major incidents” aka full blown meltdowns that last more than a day or engage in self-harming, vindictive, reckless behavior? I haven’t had those incidents for a few years now. My life is more stable than it has ever been. However, I am still sometimes (every few months) susceptible to small scale blowups, lasting less than a couple hours, during which the worst that happens is screaming. Splitting and extreme thinking is still very present but I deal with them well most of the time. Have completely abstained from obsessing and stalking as well, although I do worry that I’ll suddenly meet someone, and all my progress will be ruined.
No. 1193892
>>1193649Thank you for the kind reply anon. It really motivates me! Sometimes my head tells me that recovering isn’t worth all these rigid rules I have to make for myself, stability can feel isolating and boring at times. A part of me still craves intensity and codependency. But I am hopeful too, I just want to feel less lonely one day.
>>1193795It’s a combination of luck, self help, environmental change and just general emotional maturity from growing older for me. I practice DBT, tho not as much as one should. I take care of myself physically, not as much as one should, but it really does help.
I’m very lucky in that I finally found a support system in my mom, our relationship was a source of trauma during my formative years but my mom really calmed down and came around for me.
A lot of my core injuries stemmed from internalized misogyny, lesbophobia, and sexual trauma. Engaging in feminist thinking and generally spending time with other women helped me unpack some of that stuff. It’s kinda embarrassing but despite it all, lolcow has been a bastion of sanity and a good friend for me the past 5 years.
Another thing that helped me but is probably unhelpful to anyone else: I strengthened my sense of self by ghosting everyone I knew, went to a different campus, and quit my job. Outside of school, I spent all my time with myself, my mom and anons on here. Basically, maximizing the spaces where I can simply exist as much as possible. BPD already ruined my most intimate relationships so I didn’t have anything to lose, people legit thought I died kek. It was much too easy for me to be wrapped up in other people.
Anyway, down side is, my socializing skills have taken a hit. Whereas before I compulsively camouflage my personality, now I find it hard to have the motivation to mask at all. People perceive me as a bit cold and distant although I’m neither, just not overly enthusiastic and self-involving like everyone is conditioned to expect of each other, very strange society we live in. I suppose you shouldn’t isolate yourself so much like I did, lest you accidentally become avoidant.
Sorry for wall of text, I kinda just kept typing.
No. 1212949
>>1212933World hates all women. I'm not bpd but I don't understand why women with bpd get attacked so often whrn they're
victims more often than survivors. Also most people who hate bpds are retards who self diagnose people they dislike with bpd so they can invalidate that person's experiences.
No. 1213845
>>1213036It's what other non BPDs or people with stronger emotional control interpret as manipulative.
I suspect I'm BPD but I could not knowingly manipulate my way out of a paper bag. I feel guilty enough asking for things outright. But I have been called manipulative before.
Why? Because to them, if you are so upset that you're saying you want to kill yourself, it seems like an empty threat just so you can get your way. They don't realize that in that moment you genuinely
do want to kill yourself and your emotions are so out of control that you can't see any other way out. Then inevitably you calm down and move on. They see this and think, wow you were just lying all along. They don't realize it's a cycle you have to fight.
That plus the common violation of "boundaries" with others that you may not understand. Something that may be
triggering to you may be normal to another person. You asking they don't do said
triggering thing and say that you will get very upset if they do so, may be interpreted as manipulation or
toxic. It's really just down to outsider interpretation because they don't know what unhinged emotions feels like and they do not have the same brains or thought processes.
No. 1215039
>>1213845Another situation I, and other BPDchans I've talked to online, have encountered is simply just trying to convey how we feel about something but since our emotions are so strong the "hey, maybe don't do that next time" comes off wrong and if the other side is aware of your diagnosis they will instead assume you're trying to manipulate them if you're unlucky. My ex was really happy to weaponize my BPD against me anytime I tried to communicate anything that wasn't pure acceptance of his behaviour (he could stonewall me for days, ignore the extremely few boundaries I set, stuff like that).
So I think the stereotype that BPD people are manipulative by nature isn't necessarily 100% true, I think a lot of it is based on miscommunication and misunderstandings but I'm mostly talking from my own experience as someone that both know people and herself isn't that far out on the BPD spectrum.
No. 1215154
>>1215000OT but holy shit I fucking hate the mental health system. Bipolar diagnoses are a meme and a half, but colorful clothing? What the fuck.
I've heard about bipolar diagnosis because of being angry one time, that's how I got mine. But this is nuts. It seems like BPD is the new bipolar diagnosis in that it's just slapped on everyone who shows a bit abnormal emotions. Imagine if these quacks diagnosed schizophrenia this easily
No. 1215269
>>1215027>>1215030I obviously don't mean all bpd-chans but me and my moms other personality traits do fit in and the weird eye thing is something I've heard about, though you might be right it can just be depression but I'm not depressed myself. I also have other family members with possible cluster B personality disorders, one believes he is a prophet and the other burnt animals like it was nothing, etc. So I'm questioning if I have something wrong but don't want a diagnosis because I'll be a health professional in the future and it might cause issues.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I just wonder if I might have bpd because I sometimes see myself in these posts anons make.
No. 1215294
>>1215243You kinda need to have this trait to be diagnosed. Self hating and ruminating is one of the major traits.
I hate it, I wish I could spend a day without hating myself for something I did 10 years ago.
No. 1215341
>>1215281I do realize that and my mother
commited suicide after having a lot of weird accidents because of impulsive actions I won't go into so I'm rightfully worried I might end up similarly. I'm not depressed as of right now, probably because I have a lot of stuff I need to do so I can't overthink, but I sometimes have episodes where I am and I tend to get violent which is embarrassing honestly. Above I wrote about what my friend went through and how she got a false diagnosis for a retarded reason so I don't want to go to a psychiatrist but I don't know what else to do.
No. 1215350
>>1215341Ayrt, sorry if what I replied might have sounded bitchy.
Mood swings in bpd cycles vary very rapidly. I can be very happy this minute and I will be a depressed crying mess 10 minutes later for no reason or because I didn't interpret someones reaction well. Self-loathing and depression is often the default mood. You can also get very paranoid when you get too anxious (usually manifest as everyone hates me, everyone is looking at me and judging me and might want to hurt me). It can be similar to bipolar but the mood swings are on very short period. Before I knew what bpd was, I was sure I was bipolar. I lash out when I can't contain these emotions anymore.
What you are experiencing is very normal, but if you feel like it is not and want to change, you should consult.
No. 1215385
>>1215343I'm honestly scared of any diagnosis. I'm studying in med and I feel like getting a diagnosis would be bad for my career because of obvious reasons. I also don't really believe most psychiatric treatments do much other than make the person more tolerable to others.
>>1215350It's ok anon, bpd is kind of a popular label nowadays and I've seen a lot of random people try to get diagnosed with is or self diagnose to feel edgier or special, I might've come off that way.
We seem similar, I also have self-worth issues and intrusive thoughts but it's hard for me to tell if I'm honestly bpd, though I do fit in some of the criteria. It's a shame getting diagnosed can be used against you, otherwise I'd seek a second opinion. I hope it gets better for both of us and we learn to control or at least let our emotions out using healthy methods. Thank you both for the insight.
No. 1215502
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has anyone ever fp'd a famous person or celeb? the term I've also seen is limerant other. i thought I was over the fp shit or improving but I'm starting to think my unhealthy celeb attachment is reminiscent of an fp without reciprocation.
its killing me
No. 1215530
>>1215476>If you are untreated you are not a good person, you hurt everyone else around you.What hurts your loved ones the most is seeing you suffer. Everything else can be forgiven but watching someone you love hurt themselves knowingly hurts like nothing else, I'm saying this as someone who had mentally unwell loved ones, it always hurts the most seeing them self-destruct rather than having a them lash out at you.
Similar to you, I have those impulses, especially if I failed at something no matter how minor, but after it calms down, I'm back to my normal self so whenever I feel like that I try to distract myself and disassociate one way or another. Reading, listening to stuff or doing other activities where you can forget about your issues until you're back to normal is what helps me.
Also that doctor was so mental for saying that to your face like wtf. I'm in med but we're taught to treat every mental health patient(is that the right word?) with respect and at least pretend to take them seriously even of we don't believe them, which for example is usually the case for illness fakers as they'll leave and go to another doctor if you ignore them until they finally find a doc which will give them unnecessary treatments.
Ny point is, a doctor shouldn't be treating a patient like that, especially one that's made such an attempt. That's horrifyingly irresponsible of him and I'd have thought he'd know but sometimes health professionals wrongfully normalize stuff like suicide attempts to the point they start thinking it's nothing major.
I've also heard of women being villianised or disallowed to have custody after divorce if they were proven to have mental health issues, which is why my mother hadn't gotten diagnosed herself. It's so weird that women will be judged so harshly when mentally unwell men are much more violent and dangerous, oh well.
No. 1215544
>>1215520so to give some backstory it's combined with my depersonalization and derealization, I was retraumatzied by living in an
abusive environment with one of my parents who abused me throughout my child and adolescence. I began sleeping a lot during early covid when obsessed with celeb and I started dreaming and maladaptive dreaming about an alternate reality where we were together, had kids, and it was a mechanism for avoiding my
abusive reality at the time. however the pendulum kept swinging between loving and hatred because I sauntered into some pretty salacious and evil gossip. by the time I did it had gone full bore. and the damage done. I was 100% aware the relationship was not real but it felt so lucid when I was having to deal with isolation and abuse on the daily. and then when that figment of the celeb started abusing me too, I relapsed self harming on and off and have been trying to stop it.
now I just feel numb. it's taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I still have the dreams sometimes even in trying to abandon it. they hurt me, I end up with disrupted sleep or crying episodes or random bouts of physical discomfort. how is it possible to have been drained by something that didn't exist. I withheld talking about it for the longest time and I don't know what could help, I'm trying to ask my therapist.
all this mass dissociation and lucid fantasy makes me wonder if I'm schizophrenic or schziotypal or something. I never had a depersonalization stint this bad in my life and that includes the year I tried to kms over ten times.
No. 1215562
Don’t get diagnosed ever. Maybe
some Axis I shit like anxiety, depression or eating disorders is okay if you need access to medication. But definitely not fucking worth it to scarlet-letter yourself with personality disorders. Even bipolars are viewed as unhinged just because the severe cases can be pretty scary. Remember, you are judged by the worst examples of your illness.
>>1215544I think celeb obsession is less embarrassing than irl obsession. At least you’re less likely to act on impulses to pursue such relationship. I always got over public figures quickly once they got a boyfriend/girlfriend. Or once I got to know them more and the idealization phase wears off. Irl the feminine urge to act psycho is too tempting sometimes.
No. 1215607
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>>1215562>at least you’re less likely to act on impulses to pursue such relationship.true but I was trying to subtly attention whore my way around social media in hopes celeb would notice and I regret doing that. I regret it so much.
>or once I got to know them more and the idealization phase wears off.this too, my love has certainly become mangled from it and I've experienced massive fatigue, that's why the dream version began abusing me. then I started backtracking and realized the abuse was always there in subtleties. he was never good to me at all and I fell for it. I repeated my own cycle of abuse in the dreams by becoming involved with someone so obviously evil, but evil like me in my desire for wanting love beget finding someone like that attractive, I guess. in spirit. it's what I fear happening again irl personified and all my trauma tied up with a sweet little bow. it's literally just all my trauma, partner trauma, family trauma, in one fake version of a real human
>irl the feminine urge to act psycho is too tempting sometimes.as if being off my meds and eccentric without the celebrity obsession wasn't enough of a problem already, my body is head to toe scars and I look like shit! only thing I'm missing is a sign attached to my back reading "do not interact". i have (shockingly) irl friends who helped pull me out of it a bit but nobody knows the fullest extent of it all. i only recently started explaining to my therapist. my other family members sans
abusive mom who retraumatzied me hate me or don't understand, so it's just my friends, my coworkers, and therapist
>>1215574>man do i feel exhausted at the end of these sessions 100%. euphoria has become hell because it seems rage inducing rather than happy
>I don’t think you’re schizophrenic, as you’re not delusional to think this celebrity is actually abusing you. You know it’s just a dream, you’re aware you dream it all up. It’s just a daydream that’s gotten out of hand due to you having a reaction and being retraumatized. my main fear is me trolling around on social media at the peak of my obsession did mean celeb saw me. I would also spread rumors I wasn't sure were true or make some up for fun just to stir the pot, and now I feel incredibly guilty, but also fearful. I hope I was never seen. there is that paranoia snagging at the back of my mind. for a minute it developed into persuit paranoia, but I have been trying to overcome it. That fear will always be present, but what would a celebrity want with someone as useless and stupid as me, let alone tormenting her? there was a point where weird coincidences kept happening in my life and I'd end up doubled over in a panic attack. one night after I literally had an episode something paranoia inducing happened and I ended up crying on the floor again
>I think you’re way more in control than you believe you are, godspeed nonna. I know it sucks and sorryI lost a friend at the height of my obsession who I did have a sort of heavy attachment to, she was probably fp-lite herself. losing her caused me to obsess further and self harm more. these days I haven't done much, vacant and drifting. the last two years of my life feel meaningless because I struggle to translate this pain into art or writing.
My fake life, my fake babies, my fake relationship all meant something to me in spirit, as a coping mechanism, and I'm grateful for them, I'm not grateful for the fact I had to forage it in pain. I'm not grateful for the fact it isnt real. I'm not grateful for my objectification. I didn't want to hurt another person or myself like this, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do anything with it that will render something beautiful. I want to be. Finally freeing myself of it and wanting to heal. That demon doesn't deserve me. Neither does my family for treating me the way they do. I'm lucky I have a leg to stand on and am not dead, but sometimes I wish I was dead. You take what you get, I guess.
No. 1216218
>>1216078To be more specific I had asked them if they wanted to do an art collab with me and they seemed excited for it. I kept sending them a few things and they said oh yeah I'll totally use this, but never did. Then it just turned into silence. I made another offer about giving them assets to use but it was silence. They are pretty popular online, so after a few messages of no reply I sent a message asking if everything was ok and that I wasn't trying to clout chase and just really wanted to do stuff with them, since we were friends. Which was the truth. They like, half answered my question but still didn't really say anything else about stuff.
I sent another message about two weeks ago with nothing. So the initial collab agreement was maybe back in January and now it's June with nothing. I wouldn't message them constantly, maybe like 2-3 messages spread over months of me met with no responses. I understand not having time for stuff but it just sucks getting walled by that after getting gassed up by someone.
So part of me hates myself for getting too attached and thinking I might have been misreading them just trying to be nice to me. Other part of me wants to think they are just busy and forgetful. I don't wanna bpd sperg. Ugh. Maybe I will reapproach it lightly but the silence and rejection will hurt if so. I already hid their name from my conversations and stopped using the server we're in cuz I hate seeing them ignore me while talking to others
No. 1216452
>>1216447Yeah good call anon.
It sucks too because I hate having casual, business only approaches to friendships. But that seems like that's how it's gotta be. Because if I get in too deep I'll just go back to my old ways. It feels scummy on my part and like I'm just using them but I know the alternative runs the risk of attachment. I was much closer to them years ago but I don't want to try to chase that again for that reason.
No. 1216556
>>1216452Ayrt
It's hard to cope with the fact that people sometimes just disapear or stop answering for various reasons (everyone has their own problems to deal with) and not because they hate you. I have done it many times, even to really good friends. But at this point these people know that when it happens in a couple of months or maybe a year I will come back and apologise and everything will be just like it was before. Not everyone can deal with that and it's fine. If you do care for this person, let them come back to you when they are ready or if you really can't do that nothing stops you from just sending a "hello I hope everything is fine on your side, don't worry about our project I'll be ready when you are if you still want to do it". Just don't overdo it and let them have their space. Spend your energy on something else than worrying about what they might feel toward you even if it can be really hard. I know that as bpd chans we tend to be overwhelming and clingy with the way we communicate with others and it can take a toll on them. Just keep it very casual if they ever get back to you if you don't want to scare them away.
No. 1218915
>>1218907she's got a new favorite person and moved on lol. us bpd chans can move on pretty fast and once the interest isn't there (at least for me) it's kinda just, done.
or maybe she's just actually busy, who knows
No. 1218944
>>1218925>>1218926I ghosted pretty much everyone in my life over an ex before and tbh I might just disappear again, but this time on my own. Idk I'm at the point where I don't want to interact with anyone except maybe on occasion. Most of my friends I only talk to on a random basis. I have my fp I talk to everyday but see only sometimes. I'm working on getting better though because idk dying alone seems kinda lame. I have to remind myself to check up on friends, and other than having a 9-5 and sometimes drawing I don't have much to do in a day. And for the people I ghosted, I never miss them. And as you can imagine, I don't have much friends and sometimes it sucks, but it's better this way since idk I'm kinda
toxic rn
No. 1220950
>>1220942Are you muslim? You sound like one. If so, masturbation isn't haram, shocking ikr, if it keeps you away from zina, premarital sex.
Anyways, your mother is wrong for thinking you're suicidal because you're not a virgin. Yeah some old ladies kept themselves for their husbands while the man whored himself out but that's not the reality today. What you're doing isn't nearly as bad as your mother as judgment is the biggest sin. Again I'm answering all of this assuming you're Muslim but even if you're not, you don't deserve any harm for stuff you've done.
No. 1220952
>>1220950Tbh I did do stuff that traumatized me. But I never feel dirty about it because I just see it as rape. I mean a teen getting groomed by an adult is nothing to feel embarrassed about, I was a
victim. She said it too. But I think I am hurt because she disregards what I struggle with right now and thinks I’m making it up. I feel dirty because my brain is a chaotic mess and I can’t control myself at times.
No. 1220953
>>1220950Sorry. I didn’t answer your question because well…my brain is a chaotic mess.
No I am not muslim but I understand your actual question, yes I have a muslim family.
No. 1220969
>>1220953Ah I meant like your culture and family by Muslim, although you may not be one having a Muslim family and living in a Muslim society means you'll get shunned over retarded shit that's not even haram. So many men attack Muslim women for not covering İp when it's firstly a Muslim man's responsibility to not stare at women not in his family, see how they only practice the part that's convenient? They're just taking parts they like and using them as excuses to witch-hunt.
>>1220952She's calling you a whore because by doing so, she can put the blame onto you and not feel guilty about it. I was sexually assaulted as a child but my parents blamed it on me too. It's never your fault and it actually is rape - you're not considering it rape when that's what it actually is. You don't even have to think of it as sex, getting forced to do it isn't the same as willingly participating in the activity - although you shouldn't have gotten judged otherwise either.
I hope things get better for you. Distance yourself from those people and try not to do act out when you're mad. I know it's hard but you'll only make it easier for them to frame you as mentally ill. You deserve more and please don't hurt yourself.
I also find it quite ironic that religious people will use their religion to judge others when the biggest sin is judging others as if you're God. They're the sinners, not you, even if you don't mind believe in anything that you doesn't mean they can just attack you like that.
You've had a hard past and I hope things get better for you. If you have anyone you trust, definitely ask for their support. Therapy can be good but nothing is will replace a real loving supportive friend although it's hard for some of us to keep one.
No. 1220982
>>1220976I even forget what year I’m in at my worst and I have to work so hard to do the simplest things. I am not actually retarded that I know because sometimes I function for a few hours really good. My mom said I have no identity and it’s the only thing I can agree with. I feel my mom just put me on this world for no real reason and I just have no goals or coherent memories except childhood dreams that will never come out anyways. I understand that there’s no afterlife, but waking up and failing and improving myself to become normal, is just not a life I wanted. I just want to give up, and I don’t want to actually blame anyone in my heart, the few family I have, my mom and brother, can make up any bullshit about me for the reasons why.
Tho i want to say on here, that no scrote, is the reason I feel dirty.
No. 1223659
>>1223494Don't get involved with a male bpder. Women are a mixed bag when it comes to bpd with some being nightmares to know and others being relatively ok.. males with it are without exception just cruel bastards who maybe hide it in the beginning but will crack at some stage and abuse you even if it's just emotionally like this. It's easy to get along with someone while you're long distance (thats just not a relationship to the same degree where you get on each others nerves) but if this were to somehow work out and if you made the shift from ldr to in-person.. you'd likely get to experience the reality of what male bpd is. Him not giving a fuck about you for the last two weeks and him letting you assume something horrible has happened rather than typing one sentence… that's his true colors at last. You haven't fought, you say he's not manipulative but this is him testing to see how desperate you are. Two weeks in and you're still calling him your bf?
I know it's much easier said than put into practice but you have to let him go for your own sanity and self preservation. Still messaging him while he plays this selfish game with you.. you're either already broken up or you're just here rewarding him for his emotional neglect.
No. 1223697
>>1223659Cosigning this. Male bpders will murder you and throw your body into the meat grinder when they split. They're a completely different breed to us. The worst of us are emotionally
abusive or clingy and annoying and self loathing but male bpds are dangerous. I've heard a lot of stories from bpd women from the clinic I go to about how they got involved with a bpd man and he turned into a violent stalker. It's not worth it
No. 1224460
There was some anons upthread talking about their insecurity with their SH scars, I get it so I thought i'd share that it can get better, you can learn to live with it and it doesn't always have to be a source of embarrassment. I'm mixed race and a lot of my scars are very obvious. For a long time, maybe four years after I stopped SH I covered them, felt the worst about them, until one day I slowly started to test the waters. On a hot day I wore a normal summer dress, and yes I went home and cried and didn't brave it until the next year. However, the next time I just kept doing it, the more I braved it the more I was forced to shut out any odd looks, peoples whispers and now that noise is pretty none existent. I nor you deserve to punish themselves for the rest of your life for some shit you did when you were at your lowest ebb and trying to cope.
If you're interested in testing the waters, maybe try getting some home delivery and answering the door with them visible. Next, the corner shop, then take it from there. Maybe if you live in a country not kind to ppl with mental illness, this isn't an option, but for those that can theoretically, I hope this has given you some food for thought.
No. 1224863
>>1224460I am surprised how many people either don't notice or care. Maybe mine are just too subtle
I preferred burning over cuttingI do have cuts on my legs from my last major relapse a couple months ago. I used to magnify how prominent I think the pigmentation of my burn scars are on my arms are. I've met friends in the past year who don't care or question it. I have some who are former self harmers.
Them not judging me has cured a little bit of my doomer mindset that my scars are a physically debilitating shame. Are they ugly? Yes. Is it worth covering my body up for the rest of my life over a few dirty looks? No. The only issue I can see from here on is breaking my post covid voluntary celibacy streak and having to showcase them in front of a partner
No. 1224885
>>1223494I've done this to people both long distance and irl to test if they actually care about me.
He's probably fine and probably
wants you to worry and think he's dead.
No. 1226126
>>1226050I'd take an "ignorance is bliss" approach to this one. Unless she brings it up to you, assume there's nothing to worry about, otherwise you torment yourself over a non issue, though I understand it's easier said than done, not trying to be dismissive of your concerns. Maybe she did wonder to herself what happened, why the scars, etc but it hasn't effected your relationship with her in anyway so it's safe to assume it's okay.
Also good for you for wearing short sleeves at work in the first place, it can be scary and you've done it now, don't feel the need to retreat "back in the closet" over this incident please!!
No. 1227590
>>1227571Nta and not BPD. A lot of men act emotionally distant because they want to avoid doing labor in the relationship, they even brag about it to their friends and if you stay with a guy like that, he's definitely telling his friends you're easy.
Neediness and emotionally distance also have no correlation, in fact a lot of men are both. They don't want to do emotional labor but want you to coddle them and provide everything for them.
No. 1227594
>>1227590And that's true, but you really need to live by a moid's expectation?
I meant go away as literally stop putting up with it.
If a man is distant, let him be because no amount of "fixing him" can turn him into a prince charming.
BPDs are needy by definition and one step to healing is accepting that the world wont cather to us.
No. 1229757
>>1223659>Don't get involved with a male bpder.This.
Actually maybe even:
>Don't get involved with a maleThat's even better
No. 1232667
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Questions to nonnas who are capable of managing their symptoms and are constantly working on getting better, is your experience similar?
I've been doing all fine for a longer while; got stuck in a looong and unengaging meeting with nothing to divert the attention and my mind ended spiraling down really negative and harmful ruminations, to the point where - for the first time in a while - thoughts of self harm being the only escape came up again. It's feels like - and is scary to think - that "managing" is only a constant running away until I'm cornered by the disorder again. Feels exhausting.
Is it the same or similar for you? Do you think it will always be like this??
No. 1242231
so it's celeb obsessed anon from
>>1215502I'm finally trying to seek trauma therapy but I'm not sure if my current therapist is trained in anything but DBT which I am prepared to do again. in conjunction with DBT is there any other type of therapy should consider that will help my celeb worship problem? I still look at pictures of him almost everyday and I'm trying to taper off. My therapist said EDMR hasn't worked for a lot of her bpdfag patients, but I'm willing to try anything, anything to make it stop.
I have trouble remembering a lot of events and a lot of my traumatic memories were repackaged into my aforementioned celebrity dreams depersonalizations and dissociating where we were in a relationship and he abused me
>>1215607 recommendations from someone who has similar experiences would be great. or just anything. I want to heal. I know someone who knows a different therapist (she serves a lot of fucked up patients) and im going to ask both of them for advice on what's best (my main already said she's not sure EDMR will work for me)
No. 1242266
>>1240610I think it's great that you already have enough insight to see where your anxieties lie. As you said, you look for emotional validation when you're venting and if someone doesn't tell you what you want to hear then you take it as rejection. I have felt that way exactly before, but I think it's helped me to think of the overall benefits of the friendship. Overall, if we have a nice friendship then I just see those instances where I feel rejected as bumps in the road. I have a friend who I vent to a lot and because I talk to her a lot about personal things, there are some times I feel frustrated or upset when she says something that feels invalidating or like she really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. For a while I thought that maybe we were growing apart and I should just stop talking to her, but I tried to put it into perspective. Just as there have been times I feel like she really doesn't understand me, there have also been times that she has really validated my issues and made me feel cared for. I think those good experiences with her outweigh the bad so that helps me when I'm feeling frustrated. I also think that venting to friends is okay, but doing it too much can cause you to become codependent on others to provide you with the emotional validation that ultimately you can only provide yourself. It's not your friends' jobs to tell you what you want to hear to feel better, although they can listen and try to understand if they're good friends. Everyone misses the mark sometimes and it doesn't mean that they disagree with you or that they think you're worthless. Heck there have been times my friends have vented to me and despite my hardest to console them and validate them, I could tell I just wasn't able to tell them what they wanted to hear (nor could I figure it out). It's just a matter of perspectives not matching up. As for why it's helpful to have friends- I really do think it's important to talk to others every once in a while. When you get too wrapped up in your own thoughts, it's easy to lose touch with reality and that can be tough if you're someone who is very anxious and self-critical.
No. 1244480
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any fellow BPD-chans feel like group therapy can interfere with actual progress? I'm in a group right now and one of the other members is having extremely disturbing and emotionally distressing outbursts/reactions to things. It's leaving me feeling more emotionally spent than I should feel, and feeling unsafe and anxious in a "safe space" as this person doesn't take accountability for their actions, in my opinion. Words are cheap IMO. I'm not planning on quitting because I'm balls deep in DBT and want to see it through, but repeat complaints to staff aren't getting anywhere.
No. 1244531
>>1244516Well, sure. If you've recovered from acting like a BPDfag, it's just a matter of meeting new people and not talking about having BPD. Just refer to these times as your youth.
It's more complicated if you're with people who knew you as a BPDfag. It's still entirely possible to recover. The thing is, if they're always throwing your past in your face, I think it is worth interacting with them less. You need people who are rooting for you and willing to see change. Not everyone is willing to do that, especially if you've hurt them a lot. I don't bother correcting or talking to people who I happened to know when I was a bpdfag who I don't see anymore, let them think i'm still a bpdfag. It is what it is. What's important is the people in my corner now who have seen me change.
No. 1244540
>>1242266Anon thanks so much for this post. You helped a lot with explaining that. I feel like it's hard for me to find friends that are into the shit I'm into irl but I should probably make more of an effort and leave my house to do so instead of being a homebody.
> that can be tough if you're someone who is very anxious and self-critical.This fits me to a T. I rely on other people to ground me when it gets to be too much. I need to be a better friend ugh.
No. 1244547
File: 1656472968084.png (2.61 MB, 1100x1500, 1644714445733.png)
>>1244516I don't have an answer to your question but I hate that it's like this. I hate that there are delusional unhinged men who roam freely with their psychotic behaviors or even anons on here who are obsessed with "bpdchans" and cry "BPD!!!!!" at any instance of semi-unhealthy behaviors. Or just in general how unhealthy the world is, endorsing
toxic cognitive patterns, and then shaming the people who get diagnosed and treated for their mental illness.
I'm going to not let it affect me and use my half-smile of condescension to suggest that they would benefit from therapy themselves. I swear the worst people on this planet are the most against therapy and yet they reduce people who they know to their mental illnesses to make fun of them, funny how that works isn't it?
I know that there is a problem with people (mostly deluded kids online) who romanticize BPD the other way too but I wish more bpd people who have recovered could be recognized. My DBT program is like a year or more of classes and that's just to finish DBT. I have no idea if I'll ever be freed from BPD but I'm trying my hardest. We all are.
What do you all think of all the kids online who are self-diagnosing themselves with BPD? This one from the carrd thread annoyed the fuck out of me ew.
No. 1244563
>>1244547AYRT, exactly this anon. I'm dealing with one of my exes who is a psychotic narc himself who was trying to ruin me for my past bpd behavior, which was a two-way street really but I admitted my faults. Thankfully people sided with me and told him to look in the mirror. But it's insane what men can get away with. No self awareness or willingness to improve whatsoever.
And yes I hate the accusations of BPD behavior everywhere. It's made me second guess myself constantly to the point where I gaslight myself. Like if someone objectively hurts me, a friend gives me the cold should, naturally I will be hurt by it. But then I think, oh no, they don't owe me anything, I deserve this, it's BPD behavior for me to be upset at people being mean to me so I need to accept it. Or being outright abused by people and then still blaming myself for it because it's my fault I'm upset by it.
I hate the romanticism too. I try to bury my behaviors as best as I can. The terminally online menhera bpd chan neets who just make it their fucking hobby. I hate it, it gives people who wanna let go of that a bad name. But of course, try to hide your behaviors and suppress them, as soon as you let them loose even slightly, you're accused of being two faced and hiding shit and entrapping people. There's no winning with this illness, I swear.
No. 1244598
>>1244563Thanks anon for responding. I’m so sorry you went through that. Untreated BPD is prime
victim for another abuser. I’ve probably said it on lolcow before but I have an immense amount of anger for my upbringing and my father as I feel like he abused me growing up and wore me down just to hand me off to some other moid to abuse me next. Self-enquiries into where BPD comes from are always super interesting because sometimes you can see all the
toxic cognitive patterns within someone who would never be diagnosed as BPD, like my father for example.
Second, I have a theory personally that any moid who is with a mentally unwell codependent BPD woman for a long time is probably some sort of narcissist or definitely with her for some nefarious reason. Normal moids cannot handle the costs of being in a relationship with an unwell woman with BPD.
Anyway as for the “BPD hold” we have on people, recently I had a guy who just said he couldn’t take my BPD and left and it made me realize that the men who continue [
toxic] relationships with us are choosing to be with us. Men are more selfish than women think and can easily walk away like this guy did. He also said that being in a relationship with me felt like he was taking advantage of me because he realized how codependent I am—it made him feel exploitative of me. So basically the ex who was with me for a long period of time and claims that I’m just “crazy” and implies that he had no agency whatsoever is fucking full of shit. I guess this recent relationship kind of blew my mind because previously I thought I may have had some power over my ex a la typical BPD seductress stereotype but my ex, like yours, just used my mental illness to scapegoat me and blame me for him staying with me. Same ex admitted to being a pathological liar, raped me, and did all sorts of horrible and humiliating things to me. I’m the one with the BPD diagnosis and have dated once since this relationship while he never goes to therapy and has dated multiple women back to back since being with me. And I’m sure that he tells all of them that I’m insane and trapped him for all those years we were together.
Clown world, just clown world. I wish I could be an activist to squash BPD stereotypes once I’m done with DBT and recovered because the stigma needs to go. So many people have this diagnosis and not all of us are blue haired OnlyFans sex workers jfc.
No. 1246389
>>1245485Not everyone weaponizes a BPD diagnosis to escape accountability, most people will avoid you if you say you have it so many actual BPDs have extreme shame about it. My therapist is a specialist, worked all over the country in multiple locations, and says most BPD patients are ashamed and afraid to tell others that they have BPD fyi. I’d assume most people who claim to have it publicly are either not self-aware in the slightest of the stigma BPD has or they have primary narcissistic tendencies and want to portray a
victim role (which I have seen before on multiple occasions).
The core of BPD is shame. Most people know how others are going to treat them if they announce their BPD. I refrain from telling people personally but maybe I should because I defy some of the stereotypes you spew and am trying to get better. I’ve met a lot of BPD people who are committed to getting better which includes doing extensive therapy (DBT, individual therapy). Maybe we should make ourselves known, except that everyone in my life would treat me differently if I did expose myself and my job could be affected.
Most of us want to live better lives, are not ~cute but psycho~ E-whores who blame everything on muh BPD, and escape the mindsets we got from childhood invalidation. BPD is mental torture and a lot of people would do DBT but cost can be an issue. People like you are why there’s so much shame surrounding BPD.
No. 1263493
A bit of progress update because stuff has improved a lot for me. I’ve started living more by my values, cultivating hobbies, and fixing my sleep schedule. It’s some normie shit but it feels like it’s changed a lot. I can’t lie that I feel kind of…stunted compared to people my age because I’m just figuring out how to have healthy relationships with other people or that sleep is important (I’ve been an insomniac since I was a child). My goal is to learn to be able to live with myself and be comfortable by myself. Not look to other peoples reactions or seek approval from others. Or seek my own source of validation from others. I think that in adolescence I became obsessed with the idea of a one true love who completely understands me and loves me, who would ultimately rescue me from my shitty family. I would idealize but split on my exes when they deviated from what I wanted to hear or see. It took me a while to see that person that I want them to be is ultimately within myself. All of the validation or comfort that I had expectations for in my head are within myself, I just have to use it.
I also am a former self harmer who used to cut, starve/purge, among other things to harm myself. I have recovered long ago but I still struggle with the thoughts. I recently had a moment where I cried realizing all that my body has done for me. Like for example, growing lanugo to keep me warm. Idk why but that really just gave me a sense of gratitude and also deep sorrow for how I mistreated my body when it fought so hard to protect me. Even the defense mechanisms that I developed were a means of protection and survival. All emotional repression is the brain trying to suppress extremely painful things to not expose you to memories that will make you upset. I’ve lived my entire life hating my body as I grew up in dance and now I am committed to loving it, even if it isn’t the most beautiful thing in the world. My body has survived extreme stress and even ate at itself when I starved it for months, even growing hair/lanugo to keep me warm. For the first time I love my body, I really do and not because of superficial reasons but because of all of the incredible things it is wired to do to keep me alive.
So there’s my sperg, I hope maybe some of this resonates with other self harmers even if it sounds corny and cringe. I was a cutter for years, had an extreme eating disorder for less than a year that i recovered from, so I’m not a normie even though I say this cheesy stuff. It’s kind of a pity to be a weirdo in that I can see beauty in such mundane things but maybe that just comes with being a sensitive person.
No. 1277153
>>1263493thank you for this nonna, it definitely resonates with me
I’m going to DBT therapy consult for the first time tomorrow afternoon, I’m optimistic! also just exhausted from my own meltdowns recently, looking forward to getting back some peace and self control.
No. 1287698
>>1287408Always
abusive men that I date obviously just to make me go crazier.
No. 1292909
>>1287408People who jump in and out of my life, and extremely emotionally distant people. It's definitely the cPTSD as you said
>>1292499Same here nona. The cognitive dissonance is so annoying for me, knowing objectively it's fucked up but whoops, brain chemical attraction time kek
No. 1294554
>>1294275I had to resist the urge to say “dump him” as soon as you said “he”.
So he is aware that he’s bpd? Why isn’t he practicing DBT? What’s the excuse?
Clearly it’s not for your lack of trying and communication. There’s not much you can do to improve the situation if he’s not the person proactively changing for the better.
No. 1294603
>>1294594I can’t say that I don’t understand and empathize with the feeling of “trying my best”. But sometimes the truth is my best wasn’t enough. I was still hurting someone else by not yet being where they need me to be.
You’ve been very patient and supportive and that’s more than us bpdfags feel we deserve. But you know, and he knows too, that it’s not fair the way you’re always putting his needs before your own. He’s not in a position where he can be a loving and attentive partner, that may or may not change in the near future. Maybe you tough it out and see him reach recovery. Or, you’re prolonging something unsustainable that may cause resentment in both you. Wish I had something more helpful to say.
No. 1295932
>>1295767Just sounds like 'splitting' Bpd is rooted in a fear of abandonment so maybe even a short break from talking feels like abandonment or rejection on some level.
> oh yeah well screw you I don't like you anywayUnderneath it you probably just miss them
No. 1299484
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Ya I may suicidebait my boyfriend but I would never let a man bait me. Go off babe, by off I mean the roof.
No. 1302447
>>1302352I was always a loner and I blamed it on just having an anxiety problem. Then I got diagnosed with more shit, looked into the traits involved and realised that romantic relationships (the only relationships I'd really kept up) were going to be a real struggle too. My first relationship I bordered on being
abusive at times and didn't even recognise that til we were done. Then guilt set in massively. My next relationship was the total opposite with me being abused in just about every way you can name. Never had a relationship that I can look back on without cringing.
Two weirdly opposite relatonships but either way I have a pattern of just sinking into this crazy depression while partnered but I'm relatively ok when I'm living my full-on loner life. I don't know what the chances are of aging out of that pattern. I'm approaching my mid thirties so I've definitely mellowed out in some ways but I'm avoiding dating altogether these last few years. No relationship means no
trigger. I know there's a stereotype that bpders jump from one relationship to another always needing a source of love and attention and just.. I get more peace of mind from being alone and not having to navigate the mess of dating while managing these issues. Opting out of dating has beeen the biggest relief. I have very surface level small talk type 'friendships' and thats about it
No. 1302897
>>1302447AYRT- I can relate to feeling "off" when in relationships although i'm yet to date yet. Sorry you were treated badly, glad you're at the other end and happy to be alone. I think learning, practising and living self love is v invaluable.
>>1302503i get you completely. Like I would love to have that deep intimate connection with someone again, I've had it before but something happened that changed me, on top of already having BPD, and I can't allow it anymore, for now. I would say never say never though
nonnie, it's not impossible, just not possible right now (not to sound patronising af).
No. 1303174
File: 1660533037508.gif (21.21 KB, 220x159, me.gif)
I went down an internet rabbit hole looking up an ex online friend/crush on Google and finding out all about her irl, now it's been more than 2 hours, I've watched 30 minutes of a video she did for college in 2017 and I'm only just trying to stop. I hate her, I love her, I want to look like her and have sex with her. It hurts.
No. 1305723
>>1295767i've been doing this my whole life and i'm aware i'm wrong and
toxic but i can't stop lel
No. 1305900
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One time I went to a different psychiatrist and he told me that instead of my actual diagnosis, I clearly have bpd.
Lately my mental health has been in the shitter and I see a lot of signs in myself and I wonder, what if he wasn't an asshole who disregarded my whole clinical history and several other doctors opinions? What if he was actually the only one right about it?
What if I am treating the wrong thing and that's why it's not working.
No. 1306611
File: 1660774237823.gif (548.31 KB, 754x494, beary nice thread.gif)
jesus this thread is depressing; doesn't anyone else cope by acting like a sped?
I'm gonna glue vintage burger king toys to my nails and dye my hair with koolaid today, that's how I'm keeping the evil thoughts at bay this week
embrace retard, nonas, it's way nicer
No. 1306642
>>1306625I think it could be beneficial if both of you would be in the same place mentally - I'd imagine that if both you and the bpd friend both were actively working on getting better, you could get more compassion and more motivation from each other than from a person that doesn't know how it feels, right? But then finding someone who would be so in sync would be tough, and if one party tries less, or not at all it would just drag both down. But in relation to your specific situation I'd be afraid to be friends with an online oversharer, I guess having unstable relationship by itself could be possible to navigate but I can't imagine doing that if there was a record of everything that happened uploaded for everyone else to see.
>and hated me for some reasonTBH knowing bpd you could be just thinking she's hating you while she didn't lol
No. 1309129
>>1309082I think it would be something more useful for ptsd than bpd, emotions are so tangled in BPD it would be hard to fit it in the emdr process. But the self-improvement "homework" that is part of the therapy would definitely help, just not sure if the emd part itself if of much use then. But yeah I've discussed it once with my therapist and she said it's mostly used for helping the patients with traumas.
>>1309124Not just you anon, I find it hard to believe that something like that would be made by someone who actually suffers from BPD, rather one of these people you've mentioned, that just have intense prejudice against anyone with it.
I hope you find a way to be more compassionate for yourself when ruminations like this come. I'm sure you did feel like dying at the moments suicidal thoughts came, so it was not malicious, manipulative lie but an actual feeling. It's a painful one but it's not vile. What matters the most is how you express it, but this can be learned too.
No. 1310763
>>1310719How old are you anon? When I got around my late 20s-early 30s, my mindset changed a lot. I used to hate stable relationships and would crave and get into chaotic
abusive relationships. Whenever I would get in a relationship with a normal person I became even crazier. This came from a place of thinking that I deserved to be abused. You get addicted to these kinds of relationships. When you finally stick to a normal and stable relationship and give your everything to make it work, it greatly helps to treat your bpd symptoms. You eventually start to love being in a normal, stable and "boring" relationship.
No. 1310767
>>1310719Don’t be so hard on yourself nons. Plenty of women without BPD stay with
abusive moids. Some do it until those moids kill them. We’re socially conditioned to stay; like your mom said, society expects us to “just try harder.” That doesn’t mean your BPD is incurable.
Abusive moids will literally, actually drive you insane and raise your stress levels so high that you end up feeling as helpless and hopeless as you do now. I was with one for seven years and the whole time I felt the same way you did about not wanting stability. BUT he was making me feel that way by conflating chaos with love and literal torture with “passion.” He was also keeping me from getting a job, getting sober, anything ELSE in my life that might allow me even the tiniest bit of stability. He did that on purpose because he knew the moment I had something of my own I would disappear forever, and I did. You can be loved passionately without it being hell on earth every day of your life. Just gotta find the strength to leave - which is hard for every woman, BPD or no.
No. 1317263
>>1316898Thinking I die of a deadly disease. Or that I will just die spontaneously. It’s more of a feeling.
Anyone thinks bpd is just ptsd that manifests severely because the trauma started when you were just a baby?
No. 1319657
>>1319599Bipolar is characterized by experiencing mood episodes, like mania, hypomania, depression, and mixed states, that last around a week or more. You can go years of being stable, then suddenly suffer an episode and act completely different due to some sort of
trigger, like taking certain psychiatric drugs that cause some people to spiral into mania because of a chemical imbalance. BPD symptoms are ingrained in someone’s personality, it’s not like a mood disorder where it can be chemically treated, they’re persistent issues that are primarily treated with therapy. People suffering with BPD are mostly characterized by experiencing unstable attachments, unstable self-image, dissociation, anger issues, impulsivity and recklessness, attempts to avoid abandonment, chronic emptiness, stress related paranoia, and suicidality. They have quick, and short mood swings that are primarily tied to their self-image and relationships, whereas bipolar episodes can last months without serious psychiatric intervention.
No. 1348645
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>>626276Honestly, these days I think BPD is mostly just used to label autistic women who have experienced trauma
No. 1348653
File: 1663933970824.gif (45.75 KB, 498x498, thinking.gif)
>>1348650Perhaps if we took women's health seriously we would not develop cPTSD as much
No. 1348876
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I sadly couldn’t find the original book online, but the author of “sexy but pyscho” was on the wandering womb podcast (I think she’s one of the co-hosts too?) and she said something very interesting about mental hospitals in England- that teenage girls get forcibly injected with sedatives 3 times more often than grown women and 7 times more often than grown men (who regularly attack staff and have killed doctors before, they simply get sent out to “time-out rooms” where they sit in a corner and think about what they did.) Teenage girls, who are more often than not abused, many sexually, are tied down and jabbed with chemicals that will put them down for the next 12 hours. To put things into perspective, you can’t do this to a serial rapist in jail because it’s against his human rights. I would have vegans arson my car if I did that to my dog. What message does it give to trafficked girls when so-called doctors who are supposed to “fix their brains” tie them down and horrifically violate them? Can you fix a rape victim by violating her over and over again?
The author then finds parallels between this particular phenomenon and the euthanasia of a young girl -couldn’t be older than 20- who was told by psychiatrists working for a private company that profits off euthanasia that she could never ever have a normal life no matter what because the rapes she’s been subjected to had scrambled her brain like eggs. Then they fucking killed her. I don’t want to say much more, but it’s a brilliant 2 part program and the host has a pleasant voice too. I cried while listening to it. It’s a tough and complex topic but the author makes it somewhat digestible. She also briefly talks about BPD and bipolar, too. Very eye opening about how anti-woman psychiatry is.
No. 1348900
>>1348645yup, all of this. Rejection dysphoria is typical in ADHD and autism, and is immediately seen as signs of autism in men when they have a hard time with people setting boundaries/saying no in benign circumstances. But with girls, they're told they have bpd.
same with the fear of people getting too close to their special interests/people. reacting poorly is part of the emotional regulation issues related to autism.
BPD girls all liking the same split hair colors, media, and having the same behaviors is just like how autistic guys are all clockable a mile away.
that or just run of the mill CPTSD. Like in what world would a man who experienced extensive trauma in his childhood be diagnosed with BPD? he wouldn't, he'd get a ptsd diagnosis and be treated accordingly.
No. 1348980
>>1348550Monty aka 'stories from the internet' A reaction channel that covers foodie beauty and a couple of other cows.
Foodie/amberlynn reactors used to pretty much all be either really camp gay guys or women. Now that straight men are jumping on board.. they're scamming women and nude farming and getting up to all sorts using their audience and their channel to access these bored and mentally ill women.
No. 1349070
>>1348645I was never diagnosed bpd but a few years ago I had a new psychiatrist who brought it up very soon into seeing me. She went through the list of traits asking me if I had them and I really didn't relate to it. My file was right in front of her and I don't think my file lined up with it either. She was talking about risk taking behaviour and sleeping around and messy relationships and self harm and suicide attempts and anger and just.. it didn't apply to me. But it felt like she was pushing to try and make it a fit? Instead of letting me tell her what I was experiencing.. she was doing the opposite. I don't know why a professional would do that or how would it benefit her to misdiagnose me but it was pushy. It confused me att and still does. A couple years later I moved area and checked in with the mental health team in my new area. They brought up tism and it was almost painful how much I ticked every box but hadn't been assessed for that already. Alot of my anxiety (the main problem I'd always struggled with) was rooted in having all these sensory issues and knowing I'm not great at reading social situations very well either. It was that simple. I don't even see an overlap where the two could be confused.
Always stood out to me as weird that I wasn't showing signs of bpd but that previous psych almost wanted to make me fit the description. She wasn't just asking, she was trying to lead me into saying I had traits that I didn't.
No. 1349553
I've found it hard to have professionals take any of my trauma into account bc of the BPD diagnosis. Only after stopping all outward problematic behaviours, "functioning" "normally" by their standards and only subtly mentioning that i'd like trauma work in a non emotional way has this even been considered.
It doesn't work to be assertive, advocate for ones care, to argue that the time/money spent on trauma focused work will pay off in the long run, that I (or anyone similar) deserve better, or to just simply be vulnerable with how much things have shaped/affected you.
I don't expect the layman to know about BPD to get affected by public perception anymore, but when the institution that proclaims to know the best practise yet repeats the same, tired prejudices against pw/ BPD, women in particular, whilst refusing to listen to patient feedback on how maybe CBT and DBT isn't designed for trauma affected people…i seethe.
BUT if i said any of this candidly… "well thats just your bpd saying you're not bpd, thats your flawed perspective". It's a catch 22.
No. 1355590
>>626276I'd love to hear any of your "beyond the stereotype" success stories! Idk, maybe it will give fellow nonnies some hope, or make you reflect on your own achievements!
I'll start:
-I don't c*t anymore, sh free for 5 years now.
-When i split, it's internal and i can reflect on what
triggered this emotional reaction rather than offload that onto the person in question
-I know who i am, what i like, what ticks me off and spend a lot of time in reflection
-I actually like who I am now (accepting my flaws was a huge breakthrough!)
Just a few, don't mean to be corny af, just want to acknowledge that there is some hope. I think more diverse voices in psychiatry will contribute to a change in how people that have experienced trauma are viewed, in 10 years time this will be a dark stain on psychiatry (fingers crossed).
No. 1355855
>>1355590I don't think it's corny at all; There's so much stigma and stereotypes about BPD, a lot of people even with compassion for other mental issues still treat BPD like that unfixable nightmare that's to be avoided like a plague. Since getting diagnosed I was obesssively searching for success stories to show to myself it's possible to be okay, so it's always nice to see others that manage. Liking yourself is such a huge thing, I haven't gotten there yet but it's really inspiring to see, congrats nonna!
My successes are somewhat similar to yours, as I suppose these are pretty much main goals to everyone struggling with BPD:
- I know my
triggers and I can react in advance of a strong emotional response
- I know when things start getting out of control and I've learned to walk away and give myself space instead just spiraling into it
- I've identified some habits that were worsening my mental state and managed to successfuly eliminate them
No. 1361972
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i wish i lived in the US so i could have the simple pleasure of walking out of a Walmart with a .45 magnum and blowing my fucking brains out in covent garden.
the love of my life left me after 4 years. and for what? this is intolerable
No. 1362023
>>1362009Sorry, I deleted my Discord because it had too many memories of him attached to it
>>1362017Me too. I hate this. He messaged me two nights ago to ask how I'm doing and still hasnt opened my message. Idk if he's scared to face me because he knows he hurt me or if he stopped caring really fast
No. 1362025
>>1362023Mine left me for another woman. Can you believe that? You should remake a Discord, i’d like to have a grief companion.
Mine is win#1975 if you feel like making a new one just to chat. I also starved for a week when I first found out. The pain is unbearable.
Had a wedding dress and baby name picked out and everything.
No. 1362113
It's better for everyones safety if nobody exchanges Discords here for a while. Remember: this person has no problem posting illegal porn online, there's a chance he could bait us into a server just to do the same
>>1362059>>1362025Nonners, I'm sorry, I'd add you on Discord after taking some time to detach it from my ex. When time has passed, I've healed up a bit, the troon has 41%, we could try a BPD server again. The friend finder thread does it
No. 1362115
>>1362113Samefag, but to clarify when I said "this person" I meant the troon, not the
nonnie requesting Discord
No. 1363968
I posted about this elsewhere but I'd like some advice or insight from this thread. sorry, it's long.
for a year and a few months now I've been really, really close with a woman I met online. we're two states from each other and pretty lonely individuals albeit in much different life circumstances. we talk all day every day. also we're both lesbians and admittedly have gotten intimate/flirted w each other, altho it's not been explicitly recognized by either of us. I assume that we are, or were, mutually attracted and attached to one another. she's also a diagnosed bpdfag where I'm undiagnosed maybe-bpdfag
anyway, she's in Florida and last Monday was freaking out about the hurricane weather predictions. I slept all day and didn't see her messages until about 7pm. first thing I saw was her saying she was under mandatory evacuation. I was shocked and replied "wut?!". she was like wdym wut, didn't you see what I said? I said something like yeah but you didn't say whether or not you evacuated or not? she didn't so I assumed she was safe and had no reason to think she wasn't.
later that night she brought up the weather again and then told me how I hurt her terribly for seemingly not caring that she thought she was gonna die before I got up and read her messages earlier in the evening. admittedly I thought to myself she was being dramatic but idk. she reacted badly to me saying I'd talk to her when she's ready (she was telling me she needed to go to bed and needed space) and called me a bad person, told me we weren't working, she's not even going to pretend she wants to be my friend again and told me to fuck myself. I'm not sure if it was but it felt like splitting behavior.
it's been over a week since then. I miss her horribly and admittedly feel pretty bad about hurting her with my insensitivity, even if I didn't do it on purpose. I do think she was being a little hypocritical (she's not the most thoughtful or conscientious person, kinda self centered) and that she could've cut me a little bit of slack, but I also do think I upset her.
I tried to give her space except for two messages over the next few days where I told her I was thinking about her, hoping she and her pets would be safe during the storm and later asked if everything was ok re: hurricane. she didn't reply, idk if my number is blocked or if she was ignoring me.
anyway, last night I gave in again and messaged her over Instagram. since we haven't talked since before the hurricane I asked if she was ok and then apologized to her. I think it's a pretty good apology, told her I loved her and that she didn't have to respond… and she didn't, lmao. only got an "I'm ok :out of character smile emoticon:".
I'm frankly depressed over this, nonas. it feels like she discarded me. is it really that easy for bpdchans to disconnect so easily from someone they've called their best friend? it's never been easy for me to do so I don't get it, unless I was genuinely just that disposable. she's mentioned in passing that she's pushed away ppl on purpose in the past. is that a bpd thing? feels bad.
No. 1364817
>>1364284I also feel this but I can sort of dissociate now and it’s
valid enough because I’m not the person who did those things anymore. It’s been a decade since the worst things I’ve ever done and if anyone is still tripping over it, that’s a them problem. So I know that it’s just me being hard on myself and I’m hard on myself when I stutter my coffee order or say something foolish at work, so I can just file all torturous thoughts and memories under the same category of “it’s not that bad, we’re all human, everyone makes mistakes, you were suffering at the time, etc.”
Also FWIW since I’ve got better I’ve never had to pay the piper so to speak. My past hasn’t affected my life now. With the amount of time you’re expected to stay at one job now (2-3 years) by the time the cracks start to show for me it’s time to move to a different city and I get to start fresh, mask a little better, keep things a little more private, and no one knows anything. They probably can tell I’m a little off, but I know “a little off” is not the worst thing I can be. I know that I will not ever in a million years get to be a politician or a public figure though, but those aren’t my life’s ambitions anyway.
No. 1368605
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die, pig
No. 1372443
File: 1665610677674.png (176.37 KB, 1200x800, p.png)
How does it feel to be medicated nonnas? I couldn't get anything fitting because it doesn't go well with my epilepsy meds so I just gotta manage on my own… can't help having a fantasy that meds are crutch enough to let one live relatively normally even without any huge additional effort.
By the way, I wonder if my mental instability may actually have a source in neurological mess my brain is, given epilepsy, does any of you have other brain issues?
No. 1372684
>>1372443Curious about your experiences because I'm on an epilepsy med right now and it's making my mood swings much worse and making me more suicidal. Ironically this is also a drug used for bipolar. Wondering if it did the same for you? I'm more stable, but not perfect, when I'm off medication. I don't trust it honestly. I've never taken antipsychotics before because they scare me but I've considered ketamine treatment.
I read an excerpt from a book about a girl from BPD. She has it not from trauma but from some kind of brain malformation or injury from when she was a kid. I know it has to do with prefrontal cortex issues so it makes sense…
No. 1372898
>>1372684It's very hard for me to say because I'm on epilepsy meds for almost 10 years now; I don't remember exactly how I felt before and it's hard to compare but I do see a clear cut that happened around that time, the person I was before the meds is a complete stranger to what I'm now. But it's impossible to say how much of that is medication and how much outside stressors.
This said, all of the epilepsy meds are awful, double edged swords. I'm guessing you're most likely on lamotrigine or depakote? My neurologist said a lot of her patients have to take additional anti depressants because how epilepsy meds themselves mess them up emotionally, even if they had no known mental health issues prior. It's I think one of the most common side effects and it can totally be a case for you, so you're right to not trust it. There are other medications, so maybe you could ask your doctor about them?
And yeah it would totally make sense for any kind of brain injury to possibly play a part, I'll try looking into it more because to be fair I've only heard about depression/epilepsy connection from the doctors, but if that's possible then BPD just as well, right…? somehow it's so frustrating because it's a thing so outside of one's control, brain damage, genetics, and people like to put a full blame on a person for not "just managing like others manage". So, with that in regards to your question
>Do you go around lolcow accusing other anons of being bpdfags or are more critical of cows for bpd-like behavior?I'm really really empathetic towards anyone who display BPD behaviors of any sort because I know the suffering that accompanies it. Of course I don't think bpd gives people a pass on being awful to others and not try to be better but I just feel really bad for them still. Even if I see the signs though, I would never throw the accusation for the reason other anon listed.
No. 1376176
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I think I'm splitting on my boyfriend and it's really disturbing me. I would say that I'm in control of my symptoms for a long time now, and I've always been the self critical type of BPD-chan that tends to lash out at myself, convince myself that someone dislikes me over pretty much nothing, distance myself from someone suddenly (which is annoying, frustrating and immature in it's own right), but not outwardly confrontational and aggressive/destructive. But I don't want this ugly, pathetic side of me to come out again, especially not in front of him. The rational side of my mind knows he's been nothing but kind and understanding when most males have not been that way towards me in the past, at all. I think that being in a relationship again for the first time in a long while is causing me to feel a rush of emotions that I'm not used to dealing with. I just want this to stop.
No. 1376243
>>1376176We're very much alike, I have my symptoms under control in every part of my life except relationship, the longer it goes no matter how good the worse it gets internally; I suppose it's the fear maybe that it's so good it's bound to end badly, and the longer it lasts the more painful it will be? You probably did it already but let your boyfriend know you're struggling sometimes, and allow yourself to take time alone, it's better to get a little bit of space for a day or two than to lose control; and don't judge yourself for needing this, it's ok, especially as long as you let your bf know it's nothing against him.
I wish I knew some better way to help, you and myself both, because I know this pain all too well. Let's keep trying to get out of it, my heart goes out to you nonna
No. 1377712
>>1376243Aah thank you so much nonita, this was very sweet. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these feelings (but at the same time I'm also sad that you're feeling the same way). I wish you luck and happiness! We've made it this far with managing symptoms, so it's definitely possible to overcome this struggle too.
>I suppose it's the fear maybe that it's so good it's bound to end badly, and the longer it lasts the more painful it will beYou really hit the nail on the head here. It's so scary to think about this. My previous and only relationship was several years long, and the breakup was so devastating for both of us. With this disorder it can be so difficult to let people into your life.
No. 1378210
>>1378205Yes. I was a shut in neet. At the time my only other sexual encounter besides my bf was when I was four.
They call it quiet bpd when you’re not into hard drugs and fucking lots of people. I
No. 1378214
>>1378205I'm not bpd but while getting help for my own problems I've met alot of bpders and I noticed 2 types. The ones who were the more obvious risk taking type but then I've met alot of shut-in semi agoraphobic bpders who were very risk avoidant but still got diagnosed with it. I guess they're like other
nonny said.. the quiet type. Afaik if you relate to enough of the traits you can still seek out the same route of getting dbt/cbt even if they're not willing to make a formal diagnosis.
No. 1378219
>>1378210>>1378205Nonnas sometimes think I have BPD, but no therapist or psychiatrist has ever suggested it to me.
>An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejectionI'm upset about the people who genuinely abandoned me early in childhood, but I've learned to be overly self reliant and generally see people as replaceable. So I'm not actually clingy, just upset over those specific instances, which any other normal person would be upset about. I'm more likely to do the abandoning.
>A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruelNope. I don't idealize and devalue, I can have chill relationships. I still don't resent my ex and we're on good terms.
>Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at allNot necessarily. I have had it happen that a grandiose delusion of mine shattered after taking shrooms, affecting my goals. My values have been generally consistent since age 12, bit more refined of course and I've changed my mind about some things. I do see myself as bad, I objectively am considering past criminal behavior, but I'm unrepentant and sometimes take pride in it.
>Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hoursYes, but usually they don't last a few minutes or a few hours, rather weeks.
>Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationshipDon't gamble, don't drive, I have had a lot of unsafe sex but that is because I was uneducated about safe lesbian sex, don't go on spending sprees (I did once as a teen and the shock at the cash register was enough for me lel), I have quit a good job because of a shitty manager everyone hated but I already had a different job lined up and they knew I was going to leave before my contract ran out anyway. I have ended a positive relationship impulsively, partially because of internalized lesbophobia, but also because I felt like we weren't looking for the same things and no hard feelings.
>Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejectionNo.
>Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxietyI don't ever really feel intense happiness, I do fake it or exaggerate it. I'm irritable all the time, shame is a complicated topic and the anxiety is more schizo tier paranoia.
>Ongoing feelings of emptinessDefinitely.
>Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fightsOh yeah, since I was 5 at the very least and it goes much further than physical fights. No remorse.
For quiet BPD
>Dependent or avoidant tendenciesOpposite of dependent, avoidant
>Submissive behaviorsNo, I have an intense problem with authority and anyone who tries to posit themselves as an authority over me
>Persistent feelings of vulnerability and powerlessnessNot sure. Yes and no, I also sometimes am deluded that I have a lot of power and that I'm invulnerable.
>Persistent feelings of resentmentdefinitely
>Intense clinginessOpposite of that
>Periods of depressiondefinitely
I've scored higher on NPD or other PD tests than BPD. I just want to consider it to have no stone left unturned and to not be "resistant" to it. I wouldn't mind it since it seems to be easier to fix than other PD's in some ways. Plus women with BPD tend to be hot and cool so it's kinda a compliment.
No. 1379349
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>>1378600Dubs of truth? I do share some stuff, the emptiness, resentment, depression, inappropriate intense anger, avoidant, so it doesn't seem completely the opposite. Just the self harm, clinginess and all that stuff is missing. I don't have a FP, but I do always have a person I use as an external conscience, which is how I keep myself in check usually. I can be impulsive, but it's usually more about wanting to attack a scrote, climb a fence to go hug a cow, randomly putting something in my pocket and forgetting about it. Or it's more out of boredom, like there was a party section in a shop and I put one of those fake flower necklaces on, other party gear and told the people with me that we had to do the Polonaise (they did oblige). Or it's a direct reaction to someone (who hasn't earned my trust) telling me not to do something, but that feels more compulsive than impulsive, or maybe a combination idk. I'll fuck off though, because I guess I don't belong here kek.
Thanks for reading all my bullshit and hope you and other (BPD)nonnas have a nice day and if I can get good female friends while being a massive asshole, you can too and you deserve them.
No. 1389144
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can people not do shit like this. crying my eyes out
No. 1390234
>>1390205Nonnie I used to be friends with males and he's mad you didn't fuck him, even if you had a BF. He's resentful he didn't get what he wanted. I'm sorry nona but I went through this same situation with an old coworker. Men are pathetic, don't cry
nonnie.
No. 1394528
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Anons, I would give everything to feel safe in love. It's all I ever want, but my ill brain will never let me. I've been working on myself for years, I can function well at work, I can function well around people, but this one thing I just can't have. BPD is hell.
No. 1394598
>>1394528I working through something similar and it’s so hard. Can function everywhere else but ironically the love I really want always ends up
triggering me hard. Hope you can find someone who will work through it with you nonna.
No. 1394801
File: 1667332280707.jpeg (2.51 MB, 4032x3024, E3C9E3B0-EE3E-4AD7-AA26-4F2145…)
got into cambridge university yesterday. never thought that with my affliction that this could happen for me.
No. 1414644
>>1411865>>1139202I think of BPD empathy as being hyper empathic (at least if you're a woman). But when you perceive being wronged or crossed, that empathy can quickly waver, but still exist deep within. Hence the splitting.
But I feel like if you described this to anyone they'd say that's just normal? That most people would react in a similar way and stop having empathy or feelings for someone if they felt hurt? When I try to describe some of my BPD like feelings, such as being bad with rejection, I get a lot of "oh that's everyone though" explanations from therapists or well-meaning people. I honestly can't tell if that's them trying to make me feel better, or if BPD behavior is just basic human nature but amplified to 11 with poor regulation, so everyone just hones in on it as if they aren't guilty of similar behaviors themselves.
Idk, maybe I'm just projecting though. You know how we BPDfags are.
No. 1424515
>>1424474BPD is an overused and over-broad term online, people just ignore it because it gets applied to everything. Narcissism is still not considered a medical diagnosis by a lot of people, just an insult, so they probably don't even understand what you mean when you say it.
Just guessing what you might be running into based on what I've seen.
No. 1424916
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>constant self-loathing and ashamed rumination, often have to chant to myself to keep it away
>find it difficult to commit to anything, always changing plans and ideas of the future, can’t keep a job or complete any education due to poor executive function and always changing my mind (I dropped out of three different courses last year)
>chronic laziness, bouts of extreme depression
>can’t maintain relationships with other people
>can be very delusional at times
>cycles through moods fairly quickly, often jumping from extreme shame to guilt to depression to suddenly feeling completely normal
>constantly fantasising about changing my name and reinventing myself, often drop people from my life so I can ‘start over’
>get very fixated and obsessed with a particular person and very quickly become emotionally dependent on them
>infatuation is accompanied by a feeling of overwhelming purpose, excitement and happiness, feel like these people can fix all my problems and that I have a new lease on life for having met them
>will constantly daydream about them, imagine them seeing me dance or perform, imagine conversations with them, even talk to myself imagining that I’m talking to them, sometimes for hours at a time
>experience bouts of rage and depression when I feel that these individuals don’t reciprocate or that I’m not the centre of their universe the way they are to me
>will ‘get revenge’ on such people by doing things that I know will hurt them (i.e. fucking a bunch of guys behind my FwB back because he liked another girl) however I won’t actually tell the person I’m doing this or throw it in their face most of the time, just a cope
>tend to copy a lot of traits from the person I become obsessed with, i.e. copied interests, occupation and specific text habits and speech mannerisms from last boyfriend
>always feel like the bonds I have with these people are ‘special’ and destined, will frequently verbalise these thoughts to them very early on, will sometimes lovebomb in other ways like getting expensive gifts for the person
>will often disclose insecurities and things I’m sensitive about really early in relationships
>issues with impulsivity (and infidelity)
>self harm and ED tendencies
>substance abuse issues and risky sexual behaviour
>manipulate the objects of my infatuation specifically to ensure that they stay in close proximity to me
>lie and manipulate the people close to me in general
>grandiose acts and displays of care which in retrospect tend to be quite ego-driven and stategic on my end
>terrified of being hated by others, always feel like I’m a few steps away from being totally despised by everyone I know
>extremely sensitive to criticism
I can’t tell if I’m a BPDfag or not. I think I might have a lot of BPD qualities but certain tendencies don’t apply. For example, I don’t always paint my “FPs” black, I acknowledge that the previous guy I was obsessed with wasn’t a bad person. Also while I have mood swings, I don’t tend to externalise them in any way, except for maybe ignoring the person who’s angered me or blocking their number for a few days. I also have no history of suicide attempts. Does this sound like BPD to you guys? I’ve always known from a young age that I’m different from other people, but I always thought it was autism.
No. 1424934
>>1424916I used to think I had BPD. But after getting an ADHD diagnosis, I think it's far more likely I have a comorbid mood disorder. My heart goes out to everyone that's been fobbed off by the NHS.
>>1424916Manifesting someone knowledgeable will reply to you.
No. 1425364
>>1425018Some time ago in some other thread I've mentioned seeing a woman covered in healed, yet visible scars on her body. She didn't bother to try to cover them at all and it honestly didn't matter, I only looked at her because I'm a cutter myself, didn't notice anyone else looking. I'm saying that to let you know it's ok to have scars, there's a way to just live normally with these, if she found it then you can find it too.
Is there any specific reason things gotten worse for you recently? Is it being being taken care of, at least a little bit? By you, a loved one, family, therapist…
No. 1425952
>>1425364I just cut off my
abusive mother. 18 years of dealing with that windbag, i snapped. friends and therapist know. only family member I'm not estranged from, my father, doesn't. went through extremely
triggering episodes from september through the last few weeks. saying I would avoid my arms they're now serrated to hell. this last year alone I've had multiple centimeter or so long wounds that bled for up to 24hours. in august I was beginning to regain my confidence and life broke me. I have worked through it all and only started telling people recently. I bottle up my difficulties not wanting to burden them until I explode
I ditched my glass yesterday, watched it sink in the river. finally said I'm tired of doing this to my body and I burst into tears. want to throw out my cigs too but I occasionally puff one for stress. I hope this is the beginning of the end. I want to heal from this deep desecrating hurt.
No. 1426287
>>1425952>I ditched my glass yesterday, watched it sink in the river.It sounds liberating, glad you've done it and chose to do it in such way, for me it feels like it adds so much more weight and importance than just simply throwing it away in the trash. It's a poetic beginning of a healing process.
You sound so determined, you took such difficult and important steps, I really believe that you can do it, heal and be gentle with yourself from now on. I hope you come back to the thread in a few months to let us know it's all going fine and you're better than ever. Please be safe.
Maybe you do it already, but I want to share since it's something I find soothing; when relapse to self harm is over I give myself some extra time every day gently massaging moisturizing cream on all the scars, one after another; there's something really comforting and good in this feeling of gentle touch on something that was so painful.
No. 1429623
>>1426287I actually smear scented lotion on them every few nights. sweet therapy. glad I'm a fairly fast healer, so they don't hurt anymore. sucks how I wanted a wrist tattoo
>>1426393Thank you for your well wishes. Life has been hell but I deserve to start moving on nonas. Next summer will be better I hope
No. 1451552
>>1446115Can you also experience the intense hatred and dislike for a person? This may be the worst advice ever but for me, experiencing the hatred at least once helps keep me in check from lovebombing and being too obsessive, I remember how I felt when I let one little comment spiral out of control and this helps me stay stable… mostly
idk nonna its rough
No. 1462483
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I feel that lately I've been having a lot of extreme thoughts towards my friend mostly as a result of peaking and them going further down the rabbit hole or potentially going down.
They're all very nice and kind people, I'm so lucky to have them in my life but I keep mentally/internally snapping and getting angry at them.
I also feel like I've been getting very angry in general
>>1455703By meeting new people I guess.
Why did you end your relationship?
No. 1468516
>>1462483I dislike how most infographic or "educational" posts are like this. BPD only has black and white thinking around certain
triggers, otherwise they're not really different around everyone or everything else.
No. 1472842
>>1414644I think "basic human behavior amplified to 11 with poor regulation" is exactly what it is. It's not that other people aren't guilty of those behaviors in smaller doses, it's that it's more regulated. My personal philosophy is that there's no such thing as a bad emotion there's only disorganized emotions. Emotions are meant detect certain things. Like disgust is supposed to detect when there's risk of pathogens. When it's undercharged you would eat things that would make you sick and when it's overcharged you wouldn't eat at all. Imo overcharged emotions false-flag someone into seeing danger thats not there. Though there's also emotions that counter other emotions like trust. So if someone has overcharged disgust they may think all food is poisonous but if they trust ice cream to be safe then they can at least eat ice cream. Though even overcharged trust could false-flag someone into seeing safety where there isn't any and undercharged trust would lead to stasis.
Ask yourself things like: What is my emotion detecting and how can I improve it's productivity? How can I reduce emotional prompts? What attributes am I splitting on? Does that attribute carry a lot with it or can it be reduced to a smaller attribute? Is that attribute something I possess myself? (Imo everyone splits and it's the way people quickly decide if they should press forwards or backwards.) Disorganized emotions make quick judgements not accurate judgements but organized emotions can make quick and accurate judgements.
No. 1495940
BPD nonnas, i feel very angry that people treat BPD as if it were a purely behavioral disorder. I feel that people tend to forget that we, actually, have a different brain. We experience the world in a different way. As said in this article
"Studies have shown that the hippocampus and amygdala may be as much as 16% smaller in people with BPD and have suggested that experiences of trauma may lead to these neuroanatomical changes.5 Positron emission tomography (PET) scans have generally shown that people with BPD show hypometabolism of glucose in their prefrontal cortex and limbic system relative to people who don't have BPD,12 suggesting that the disorder may result from a failure of the “rational” prefrontal cortex to regulate the “impulsive” limbic system."
and it's ridiculous that it's assumed that we are normal people with bad behavior, when in reality we are people with a different experience from the others. Not saying that people who have bad coping mechanisms should keep doing so, they should do therapy the same way an aggressive autistic should do therapy to not have a rage fit over changes.
What i want to say is that there's a culture that makes we believe that once we change our behavior, we are finally going to be normal people: never. I remember reading a book about BPD where it was said that you may stop showing signs of BPD after some time of effort in therapy, but you are always going to suffer more than other people. Isn't it ridiculous? That our well being is simply ignored because we are such a problem to society that they only want to cure what is a problem FOR THEM. I hate that, and it's clearly linked to misoginy.
People with BPD often have an unique way to deal with everything they deal, and it's ignored because we are "dramatical attention whores" (well, then you must be ignoring quiet bpd, where girls are often diagnosed with asperguer due to the similarity between the disorders), remember, nonnas, BPD is not only your behavior. You are always going to be different for every person that has not disorder. You are never going to be cured and live as a normal person. BPD has similarities with ASD and ADHD, and we may have much more things that are not only BPD symptons, like executive dysfunction (that i have often and makes me unable to work properly or make anything the whole day).
Never let anyone have you believe that you only suffer due to your behavior.
No. 1501643
I'm an older farmer in their 30s, it's so frustrating the majority of therapists in the United States just follow the run-of-the-mill carl rogers humanistic school that can treat the biggest amount of "normie" clients and the amount of specialists that actually focus on BPD/NPD/ect is tiny and most of them are older and retired. Most of the time your regular therapist will seek to treat the external dysfunction of BPD which basically amounts to the inability to 1)holddown steady long term employment 2)hold down long relationship and friends groups 3) dont do drugs/illegal behavior/cutting and it's it. There's no acknowledge of the core emptieness at the heart BPD, rejection hypersensitivity (which might dissipate for a while in a very low-impact, limited, stable environment but can and WILL be a problem in the future), ect.
I lost the Bpd daignosis on paper about 8-9 ish years ago. I dont show impulsive behaviors, My emotional responses look normal from the outside. My rejection/abandonment anxiety is very low compared to when I was younger, I would even say my sense of identity is much more stable. I've hyad long term friendships although I lost most of close friendships from my 20s because I realized sadly in the last few years that all of them were either losers who were crab in a bucket-ing me or people I no longer had anything in common with. But I still have a lot of dysfunction related to feeling empty and having no social "identity"- I never created any assests in my life, I dont have relationships older then 5-6 years or even really "close" friends, I don't have a career, I don't have a SO, I didn't pick up any hobbies or passions in my 20s or pursue a real education that I could have or would have done if BPD didn't fuck up my life. I have still have problems with fear of commitment, fear of success, fear of positive evaluation ect. But that's not really treated under the umbrella of BPD and I don't want to do more talk therapy that focuses on emotional awareness.
It's really sad but I think I've gotten more groundbreaking insight in the last 6 months of Sam Vaknin then my therapist and the man is a convicted criminal with only tangible medical credentials.
No. 1503865
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Hey, nonnas! What about some questions about your BPD?
>What are your most proeminent symptons?
>What are the traumas that you believe led to your BPD? Do you have traumas?
>Do you have a favorite person? How do you deal with that?
>Do you have symptons that are not exactly part of the BPD diagnosis but also seem to stem from your BPD? (executive dysfunction, obsessive compulsive traits…)
>How intense is your black and white thinking?
>Are you healing? If yes, what are the symptons that don't seem to go away?
>Do you feel different from others? Do you relate with autistics and/or people with ADHD in some level?
>How do you deal with rules, routine, or planning? Are you able to follow those easily?
>Do you prefer to be alone or with someone? If you prefer to be with someone, is one person enough or do you need lots of friends?
>How severe is your emotional impermanence?
>Do you believe you have been mentally different from others since your childhood?
No. 1504551
>>1503865>What are your most proeminent symptons?Used to be self-hatred and extreme emotions which I'm unable to get ahold of. Since starting DBT a year ago I have better self-esteem and can manage my emotions. I'm still having issues with fixed thinking on judgements that I got from my parent. Also the persistent feelings of shame haven't decreased much either.
>What are the traumas that you believe led to your BPD? Do you have traumas?I was always a sensitive, emotionally expressive child. I used to cry easily and would be laughed at and mocked by others including my own parents. My parents fought a lot and would put me in the middle of it which I think led to my black & white thinking and idealization/devaluation.
>Do you have a favorite person? How do you deal with that?I used to have a favorite person who I would depend on for self-esteem and assurance. Now I just have a limerence problem because I keep to myself and fantasize in my head about one person. In one case I dated a guy who was my favorite person but I had a 'limerent object' that I secretly fantasized about who was this cute semi-normie autistic guy who seemed closer to me. Whenever I'd split and realize my FP boyfriend at that time wasn't so perfect, I would think of the limerent object dude who was 'perfect' in my mind. I recognize now that this "dream person" idea developed when I was younger in a turbulent household and was constantly misunderstood and put down by all family members. I dreamed of someone who would 'get' me and protect me. Unfortunately men are not actually like this and it's been hard for my mind to rationalize this fantasy away. I may have this craving for the rest of my life while men continue to fall short of what I dream of.
>Do you have symptons that are not exactly part of the BPD diagnosis but also seem to stem from your BPD? (executive dysfunction, obsessive compulsive traits…)Being naturally sensitive, I have been prone to depression. I also have some neuroticism that runs in my family which results in a few obsessive compulsive tendencies, mainly intrusive thoughts and weird rituals that I do. I have some paranoid behaviors and have the belief that someone could be stalking or watching me. No idea why though.
>How intense is your black and white thinking?It is not as bad as it used to be but I think it still applies to men that I respect or interact with. Most men get grouped as bad in my head and I do not respect most of them. My dad is a very macho guy so I especially do not respect men who are 'soyboys' kek. Also on the subject of respect, I try not to think of it because it's a given but if I confirmed that some guy I know watches porn I would be disgusted by him and not be able to see him the same again. Any respect that I had for the scrote would disappear in a second. I would never 'get over' that and I think that is a blessing because pornsick moids are a waste of time. There's also a DBT skill that kind of validates my opinion called the FAST skill which means I'm choosing to stick to my anti-porn values in that case. Yay for therapy supporting my '
toxic' traits ig.
>Are you healing? If yes, what are the symptons that don't seem to go away?I think I am healing but it's such a shame that I only started DBT a year ago. Some people start so much later or never get to do it so I am grateful that I have been able to do it at all. But part of 'healing' is accepting how much of my life has been wasted sitting around, fantasizing about unattainable people or hurting myself. I lost out on so much of my life that could have been spent mindfully. I used to look at those naturally happy people with disgust and thought that they were just ignorant but now I realize that there is reason to choosing ignorance. I am now getting into the hobbies that those people used to do instead of wasting my time on the internet 24/7 and I feel so silly because it took thousands of dollars and years to realize what these people have known all along. I only realized the moments which make me the happiest and started establishing short-term goals thanks to DBT. I can't change the past
>Do you feel different from others? Do you relate with autistics and/or people with ADHD in some level?I have ADHD technically but also yes I can relate to autistic people and I have wondered if I'm on the spectrum before but wouldn't get a diagnosis. I'm a total weirdo and people often do not understand why I get so much joy from things that I do, so they find me odd. My best friend from childhood is a female with pretty obvious ASPD and I've heard that people with it tend to gravitate to each other.
>How do you deal with rules, routine, or planning? Are you able to follow those easily?I thrive with explicit deadlines set for me at a job, otherwise I don't get much done. I am a bit different from a sterotypical BPD as I actually have been in academia for a bit and work primarily with numbers and analysis. I'm grateful that with the 'conditions' I have that I can manage to work in my field. I suck at setting goals for myself and accomplishing them.
>Do you prefer to be alone or with someone? If you prefer to be with someone, is one person enough or do you need lots of friends?I think that I prefer to be alone but tbh when I'm alone I talk to myself or fantasize about being with my crush. But when it comes to moments that I'm happiest, I'm usually out of my house with another person doing something. I cannot have a lot of friends because I'm too polarizing for the average person. I'm not good at keeping in contact with people either, so I tend to have a few friends and then mostly spend time with family members.
>How severe is your emotional impermanence?Terrible. The next relationship that I have (if I have one) I plan on making a note of affirmations that my partner loves me so I don't have to bother them. I cringe thinking of how I acted in the past.
>Do you believe you have been mentally different from others since your childhood?I was more sensitive for sure. I was the "cry baby" as a kid and I'm convinced the reason I turned out so fucked up is because everyone around me either laughed or ridiculed me for it. To be fair I don't think people should encourage kids to be whiny brats either but there should be some support given to make sure the kid doesn't start associating emotional outbursts that they can't control with intense shame.
No. 1507087
>>1503865>What are your most proeminent symptons?Black and white thinking, my narcissistic symptons (grandiosity, nothing that hurts anyone other than me, really), emotional instability (mood swings that make me go from relatively normal to suicidal in seconds).
>What are the traumas that you believe led to your BPD? Do you have traumas?Like the nonna that answered before, i was already sensitive, got shamed by my sensitiveness and was also abused sexually before i knew what was even sex. I also have a father with narcissistic tendencies whom i believe to actually have BPD, and an emotionally distant mother. I have been shamed, taken advantage upon and badily treated since i was a kid. Almost every friend that i had ended up abusing me in some way and putting me below them, hitting me and treating me like shit without me perceiving that so well.
>Do you have a favorite person? How do you deal with that?Not exactly? I don't know if i have the dynamic of a favorite person with my boyfriend right now. My splitting is not intense and i lost a great part of my impulsivity, so i have never, never been trully bad to him. But i do believe he's my favorite person since my relationship with him dictates my feelings. Life may be horrible, but if i'm doing well with him i'll be totally happy anyways. I'm very lucky he's very good and really cares about my feelings. I also believe that i'm experiencing true love and that surpasses any bad feeling since i have this solid belief that i will never leave him and he's never going to leave me.
>Do you have symptons that are not exactly part of the BPD diagnosis but also seem to stem from your BPD? (executive dysfunction, obsessive compulsive traits…)Executive dysfunction, a LOT. Those days it has gone worse, in a level that it was very hard to get out of bed or do anything that i wanted since i would simply be unable to stop what i was doing and go to do other thing. Many other symptons that make me feel like i'm out of control of things. I feel disgust at the idea of stopping to do what i'm doing and start another thing, sometimes. Hyperfixations? I can't like two things at a time. Or i'm focused in drawing and only thinking about drawing and drawing for 5 hours non-stop or i'm focused in doing other projects. Or i do only one thing or i feel like i don't know how to do the thing. Natural bad reactions to any new idea, i would say? some new things makes me kinda anxious and the first thought about those things is aways pessimistic. I have always had some strange thoughts since i was younger, like wanting to kill my father (literally planning to kill him in a detailed manner). Also had a maladaptative daydreaming since i was a kid, that lead me to forget things all the time and have some ADHD symptons, i still have the bad memory, though, so who knows if i have ADHD. I'm also easily distracted and fixate in things to the point of not hearing people call me, like if i'm reading.
>How intense is your black and white thinking?Very bad, leads my life. Thinking with nuance feels impossible and i tend to have this obsessive thinking that i based in the dichotomy of wich thing is superior. I have an obsession with hierarchy and beauty wich makes me separate everything into beautiful and non beautiful, or superior and non superior. I can rationalize nuance, but my feelings always follow the black and white reality of things, and it's pretty hard to achieve that way of thinking, too.
>Are you healing? If yes, what are the symptons that don't seem to go away?I have gotten much, much better. I'm still extremelly jealous and lack empathy to a level where i don't know if something is going to hurt my boyfriend or if he's sad about something, not understand what he wants from me, those things. I'm still pretty narcissistic but not bad to other people. Some things have gone worse, some have gone better.
>Do you feel different from others? Do you relate with autistics and/or people with ADHD in some level?My boyfriend has ADHD and i relate a lot to him, our hyperfixations seem to function in similar ways and we are always synchronized. We have similar energies, in the sense that he doesn't make me tired nor i make him tired. I relate a bit with autistic people, but really little.
>How do you deal with rules, routine, or planning? Are you able to follow those easily?I love planning, rules and routine. But i hate to follow them and have a lot of difficulty following well. However, like the other nonna i also thrive with deadlines and work much faster with them. I feel bad without routines but i also feel strange with them, and i also forget that i have a routine, kek.
>Do you prefer to be alone or with someone? If you prefer to be with someone, is one person enough or do you need lots of friends?Nowadays a good part of the time i'm alone, when i'm not talking with my boyfriend. Well, i prefer to be with him, and only him is already good enough. I find other connection with people through Lolcow and soft interaction. I like to be alone and i have been a big part of my life PHYSICALLY alone, but i have had many online friends.
>How severe is your emotional impermanence?Horrible, to the point where if someone acts like they are angry with me for more than 3 minutes i'll start reacting emotionally as if they really are angry, even if i think/know they are acting. Many many other problems, starting at the simple "i don't know if i'm loved anymore" going to "i don't know if i should talk with this person since there's one day since they talked to me and they must not like me anymore".
>Do you believe you have been mentally different from others since your childhood?Probably, i believe definitely more sensitive since i cried a lot and also laughed a lot, being afraid of getting older and working (what resulted in me thinking "well, if everything goes wrong i can just kill myself" as if killing yourself were some sort of life hack), thinking about killing my father, liking different things from other kids (i liked alternative japanese fashion, like lolita and decora, at an age of 10 years old), sobbing like crazy every time my mom was out without me, being ultra worried about my mom and her security, those things. I have always been more silly, in some way. And of course, liking my computer over my friends, always.
No. 1507147
>>1503591I don't have BPD, even though people would assume it because of many years of self harm, but I relate very much with what you are saying about parents and how it's mostly childhood trauma and coping mechanisms. Last time I visited my parents I could see how
toxic the whole situation and my upbringing was/is. I know it for years now and have avoided my parents as good as possible, but the last time the whole situation unfolded. Every outside person could have seen how my mother tried to get into a fight with (mostly) me and my sibling, we where nothing but polite, but you could feel the situation changing by the minute and if we wouldn't have known how to react, my mother would have started one of her huge breakdowns with screaming at us, suicide baiting and later forgetting everything about it, acting like nothing ever happend. It's been like that all my life and as I weren't allowed to express emotions in any way and my mother controlled everything through taking stuff away or screaming at me, self harm was the only way to cope with that. It should be normal that the parents of children / young adults that go through therapy should seek help as well.
As good as it feels to get some closure on why you behave like you do, it's still sad knowing that things could have been different if you wouldn't have been the only person working on yourself and changing for the better. Some parents would benefit from therapy before even considering bringing children into the world.
No. 1509335
>>1507134>>1507147Thanks anons, I appreciate your insights. When you step back and look at your childhood, it's hard to see any sort of outcome that wouldn't be considered BPD behaviors. I agree that a lot of BPD is just traumatized women.
I think eventually I want to see if I can get the diagnosis taken off of my medical records. I've heard that physicians will treat you differently if you have it; I've seen people who work at mental health hospitals who say that mental health nurses even laugh amongst themselves at the "attention seeking" of BPDs and will shit talk or groan when they get a patient with BPD.
No. 1513302
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>>1513205This is the most recommended among therapists I believe.
No. 1517188
>>1513302Is it really possible to do one of these workbooks by yourself? I've tried a bunch of different ones, including this one, and I never get anywhere. The first thing this book says is "when you're overwhelmed, try to relax" but i literally can't. As soon as I think I'm relaxed and try to go on to the next step, I freak out again immediately.
If I try while I'm clear headed, the worksheets always cause me to spiral because I can't think of the happy endings to the scenarios like it wants. It asks retarded shit like what's the worst thing that can happen vs what's the most likely thing to happen, and they are the same thing most of the time. And the book offers no help at all, just tells me I'm wrong because my situation isn't easy to fix by thinking nice thoughts like the trivial stupid examples it uses. "Just relax" fuck this useless book.
No. 1532666
Do any bpdchans here experience psychosis symptoms alongside BPD? This is a topic that interests me because it's often diagnosed as something else alongside the BPD, but I've read that BPD is the only personality disorder that is on the second level of structural dissociation, psychosis symptoms being common to that level, and is more egodystonic than the other personality disorders if I recall correctly.
>>1528154Psychedelics can help depression and anxiety, and seeing as heavier amounts of those two can lead to BPDish traits, I'd say yes. Could lead to ego deaths or worsening emotional control though.
No. 1532976
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I'm just thinking about how even if I wanted to I could never use a dating app because I would definitely ask every person I meet on there if they had good experiences meeting people on the app, and if they confirm that I wasnt the very first and only girl they met on it, that mere fact would drive me CRAZY forever
No. 1533279
>>1532666bpd and bipolar comorbid, I can't tell where the psychosis stems from though
it's gotten worse the last few years, I'm conscious but extremely dissociative and forget long stretches of time
No. 1535065
my stereotypical bpd-haver friend completely dumped me after almost two years of very close friendship. we chatted non-stop daily and I considered her my best friend, which is pathetic because frankly I disliked so much about her and she mistreated me often. in retrospect I feel completely used–like I was merely a distraction from her loneliness; just someone to Talk At, not a real person. the reason she dropped me? because I (very gently, like a retard, bc I didn't want to make her upset) confronted her about tweeting our private convo out and tagging the subject of our convo, who happens to be a known rapist. her actions caused our convo and my name to end up on the rapist's KF thread. not to mention, I was referring to a victim of the rapist in our convo, who had no reason to fear that her story would be tweeted out by some random idiot. said rapist is notoriously litigious, too. her reaction was to immediately say it wasn't her tweet… until I pointed out that her account was linked right there under the post in the thread. then all she did was say she never went on KF so she didn't know how it got there. no words from her since, definitely zero apology–it's been two weeks today since it all went down. she unfriended me when I posted about how helpful DBT is for bpd kek, I'm sure she felt it was an unjustified attack on my end.
I can't lie and say I don't miss her just a little, or at least I miss what I thought was a real relationship based on mutual care and respect. I'm slightly bitter I didn't get to completely drag her and get in the last word (I am too old for this nonsense having recently turned 30, as is she, being 27 [with the mentality of a 16 year old] herself), but I actually don't feel like I lost anything from her leaving, which is pleasantly surprising. it truly blows me away the way untreated cluster Bs can rationalize being so fucking callous and narcissistic. she's One of Those that claims to be such an uwu empath vibe-reader, karma-believer, arbiter of Truth and Morality (black and white thinking dumbshit) and while I always saw through her bs in that regard I have to laugh at the delulu, compete lack of self awareness of it all. while I don't have many friends, I do have two very close ones, even if they're long distance, and they love me. she cannot say the same and I hope she continues being a lonely pos, she more than deserves it. ok, venting over for now, and ty to any nona who read my essay
No. 1535235
>>1535065Sorry about what happened, sounds horrible, especially when the other person is so clearly in the wrong but can't even acknowledge it for a moment.
I have to wonder though, and don't answer if i'm reading too much into things but why did you continue a friendship with a girl you disliked? Maybe building up your own boundaries for future situations might be something to work on. It sounds like you stuck around and took shit from them more than a few times.
Good riddance to her
nonnie, hope you enjoy some peace!
No. 1538187
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I'm finally ready to admit to myself that I have bpd. I hurt everyone around me without even trying with my apathy and coldness. It's hard for me to be affectionate with people because there's no way in my mind other people don't find me disgusting and annoying. Yet when people treat me the way I treat them I feel suicidal. I know in my rational mind that I am the problem in every relationship. I tried to convince myself that I don't have bpd because I literally never lash out at others or emotionally manipulate them. Every relationship I have goes like this:
>hit it off with someone
>they really like spending time with me
>they put in all the effort and I just react
>they grow distant when they sense I'm not putting in the same effort
>I think they hate me and would be better off without me, I let the relationship end
Somebody on here posted something about a variety of bpd where you internalize instead of lashing out, that's literally me. I also have autism spectrum symptoms like sensory issues, poor social skills and obsessions with special interests, but I'm not diagnosed with anything.
I'm gonna call a therapist and tell them I think I have bpd, I'm scared a bpd diagnosis could ruin my life somehow but at this point idc anymore, it's painful to life in my head with emotions that are way too strong every time something small happens. I just keep hurting everyone around me, and then I hurt them more by abandoning them.
The reason why I'm making this post is because today I wanted to kill myself because I memed myself into being in love with a guy I barely know and will never see again and he didn't ask me for my number the last time he saw me. Also I ignored my best friends texts for a week because I didn't feel like talking, when I talked to her again I thought she was mad and then again I felt suicidal because I thought she finally had enough of my shit and I lost another friendship. She's not mad but I'm so sick of fucking everything up by doing literally nothing, I can't keep living like this, I need help bad.
No. 1540094
>>1538187Wait, is that BPD related? What you described sounds exactly like me. I just thought I was a possibly autistic weirdo that can't fully relate/connect to other people. Everyone I've been with likes me a hell of a lot more than I like them.
I'm not self diagnosing based on a lolcow post BTW I do have bpd I just didn't know this was related to it. What can be done about it?
No. 1540856
>>1540576Not sure what direct help this has in terms of specifically bpd, but i take: b12, vit d, general multivitamin, and magnesium citrate. I've heard omega 3 is meant to be a good one to take too (i just cant stomach that one!).
It helps me keep my energy up, mood more consistent, or at least i have the energy to deal with low mood days. If i'm being honest though, a lot of the general wellbeing comes with better mindset, no drinking, better sleep, etc.
I will say taking supplements that you're paying for helps me make better choices, like don't waste money on supplements if you're not going to encompass it with healthy behaviour.
No. 1541049
>>1538608Absolutely. Ive been diagnosed since 2018 and I've had so many "era's" since then. I change my appearance a few times a year. Its absolutely due to my lack of identity. Not sure if you're looking for advice but writing down my values and my "why's" has helped alot when it comes to moments where i dont really know who I am
>>1540576Before i started lamotrigane, i was taking Ashkawagna. It helped me with the physical aspects of a "bpd" attack if that makes sense lmao. It numbs the physical pain I usually feel when im freaking the fuck out. I take magnesium now and ive noticed it does the same thing
No. 1542793
What medications do you take, anons? I've been on a lot of them and I feel very discouraged by the whole med thing. I even name-dropped an expensive medication to my psychiatrist because I'm desperate and heard really good things about it. It made me want to kill myself and when I stopped taking it my psychiatrist just kept going on about how it was an incomplete trial, like okay, did you want me to keep taking it just to be 100% sure it made me want to die? I know she's doing her job but I'm just very frustrated. She's throwing Lamictal at the wall now since I haven't had anything like it before and I'm reluctant to start taking it. My mood swings really aren't that bad anymore, I mostly just feel hopeless with no energy. Maybe it's my mindset? I've been through the wringer in therapy (one-on-one and group/IOP), I journal, eat well, exercise, cut out all substances, but I keep having shit things happen to me (family death, bad relationships, stalking etc) and I am really trying but it is becoming so hard to have the motivation and will to stay positive and continue my good coping mechanisms. I've started self-harming again. I've thought about taking a few days off of work and checking myself into the hospital, I don't exactly feel safe as I still have that stockpile of old meds. I don't want to disrupt my family and their lives but I just really do not want to be alive anymore, I have gotten good things out of life yes and I cherish them deeply but I can't stand the thought of living like this for the rest of my natural lifespan, more bad than good moments, more lows than highs. I'm at the end of my rope. Sorry this turned from a med question to a diary entry I don't really care anymore
No. 1543125
>>1542793Lamictal helped me a lot when I was still on it with mood and time regulation. SSRIs lost their effectiveness and turned inward on me as I aged, but I found a mood stabilizer to be helpful. The only minus is that you have to watch for a rash. It's IMO more asymptomatic than most meds I've been on in my lifetime. The other warning I'll give is that it's not easy and has awful withdrawal symptoms.
Few years I was on it when I still had insurance were some of my most stable, ofc I'm also comorbid bipolarfag.
>it is becoming so hard to have the motivation and will to stay positive and continue my good coping mechanisms. I've started self-harming again. Was self harming for awhile as well anon. First nine months of covid I was good to myself and relied on admittedly unhealthy but obsessive coping mechanism that wasn't cutting. It saved my life. Then it, like everything else turned inward on me.
>I've thought about taking a few days off of work and checking myself into the hospital, I don't exactly feel safe as I still have that stockpile of old meds. Do you live by yourself? if not is there anyone who can hide the meds from you?
When I'd have bad suicidal ideation I'd try and handle it non lethally, at my worst that meant self mutilation and burning
>I don't want to disrupt my family and their lives but I just really do not want to be alive anymore, I have gotten good things out of life yes and I cherish them deeply but I can't stand the thought of living like this for the rest of my natural lifespan, more bad than good moments, more lows than highs. I completely relate to this as well. I'm finally at a manic, higher point, but I always fear itll come crashing down. Sometimes the mania articulates in an enraging way. Knowing I have passion and drive helps. That is powerful
You sound like even though you've gone through a lot and hit a rift, you're accomplished, nona. You're not in a good place right now but I can't guarantee you'll stay there forever. Self harming again isn't the end of the world, you're not a failure. I sound sappy and annoying saying this but a few months ago I was in a much more delirious purgatory I thought would kill me. Survived and my misery is lifting from me… even if my body is scarred to hell and ugly, I am alive. You seem strong, it's not like you need to hear that, but remind yourself that you're strong enough to be self aware unlike many people with this disorder. it's okay to cry and scream and shed blood.
No. 1558208
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gaddam I'm so fucking tired nonnies. I was abandoned as a child so my attachment issues are insane but still I feel entitled to having one, just one person who'll always be on my side. Is horrifying when it feels like they just won't try and see things from your perspective, even if I'm completely %100 in the wrong I wish they would just cuddle me. I know it sounds insane ble ble ble but to me it is a must, the bare minimum. I thought I was out of this labyrinth of black and white either you love me completely or I die but it seems I'm not. I've done everything right, gone to therapy, was on meds for almost 3 years, eat right, exercise, read the fucking shitty BPD and DTB books ffs. I'm just so tired.
No. 1558214
>>1550920Please kindly kill yourself for using the term bippies.
But yes adhd mingles horribly with bpd and makes everything worse. I think my trauma justifies the existence of my disorder but as a kid I did spaz out a lot about loud noises, weird textures, and overall being easily overwhelmed with sensory stuff. However as I got older my reactions became more inward and quieter as not upset those around me. Dissociating worked wonders for dealing with adhd related sensory overload and bottling up outward adhd symptoms that are disruptive to others.
In essence it’s a
toxic combo that can culminate into silencing yourself or being the most loud piece of shit in existence I’ve yet to see an in between because of the nature of our disorder being an expression of extremes.
No. 1558218
>>1558208You’re not entitled to anything and clearly you haven’t been taking your therapy seriously if you still keep falling into regressive thought processes. You haven’t done everything right or you wouldn’t be in this situation.
No one owes you their time or tolerance for your bullshit. You so badly want an enabler and that’s gonna make you spiral even more. Figure out your meds and therapist issues because one person is not going to fix you or change anything. You’ll still be miserable and you’ll still distrust your enabler even if you found one. You’ll suspect their compliance. You’ll think they’ll betray you. You’ll think they will leave you eventually or they’re using you or you’d probably grow bored of not being challenged and crave conflict and drama. You’re a void that will never be filled unless you put in the effort of fixing yourself and getting the right help that suits your symptoms best.
No. 1558229
>>1558218Fuck u
nonny but you are right! enablers are the fucking worse even if they're a nice thought. Its just that this uphill battle is never-ending and I've grown so frustrated with having to do herculean efforts just to appear/behave normally.
No. 1567421
>>15642141. Being single gave me a chance to see my relationships in the past from an objective perspective and overall allowed me to heal properly instead of following a subconscious delusion that a relationship can heal me. I've done a shit ton of DBT and emotionally regulated myself enough that I don't split or have "BPD rage" anymore, and all of this was done when out a relationship.
I also don't think I get FPs anymore, which is good since I'd always try to date them and be either oblivious or not care about the fact that the FP attachment is inherently unhealthy and stems from codependency, so I don't tend to attract
abusive or predatory men and that shit.
2. It's stupid but I've just grown to not care and they can think whatever they want. It's just the same as people calling being neat "omg I'm so OCD" or being distracted "omg I'm so ADHD", nothing new.
No. 1567423
>>1567421samefag and yeah BPD is the new modern female hysteria diagnosis for any woman who's slightly emotionally dysregulated. Any woman who's upset over domestic violence, any little girl who cries in the therapy room because she's forced to recount her rape story? She's gotta have BPD!
No talk about the dissociation, the underlying disorganised attachment, and such in making a diagnosis.
No. 1579946
File: 1684321078046.png (331.88 KB, 680x672, 280.png)
Do you tell your partner you have bpd?
I think my gf of 2 years suspects it but I've never mentioned it. I think I'm mostly in remission and pretty stable.
No. 1648081
>>1647813About which part? The lack of interpersonal issues? I'm really not lying on purpose but it's definitely very possible I am doing it. But I think it would be really weird to come on anonymously unprompted and lie about something like this, I'm not sure the purpose I would have for that since I think it's OK either way if I have BPD or not, I would just like to figure it out. I guess if I had to say then I really would prefer not to have BPD but not like an intolerable amount or anything, at this point I've been unwell for a long time and I would rather just know and try to get better no matter what it is because I can't stand it anymore. Another thing is that I have been assessed as extremely emotionally over-controlled, whereas the normal BPD presentation is very emotionally under-controlled. It is possible to be over-controlled and to also have BPD, I'm just finding it hard to find information about it beyond super basic stuff.
Anyway about the distorted beliefs, I do absolutely get things like "everyone hates me" as well (constantly). But I just don't go from thinking everyone likes me to hating me or something like that. That's the thing that seems different to BPD, that it doesn't change quickly or extremely. I seem always relatively the same. And I also think anyone who knows me would describe me like this too, they would say I'm very avoidant/quiet but not that I have ever had conflict or any outward issue with anyone. One major thing is that because I am avoidant it's possible that maybe I've just never developed deep enough relationships to
trigger having too much of a serious reaction? Or when there is any chance of having serious feelings I go into serious avoidant mode or dissociate myself. For example I don't date or anything like that, and when I did before I don't feel like I was being "real" or myself. I did have one romantic relationship in my late teens and it seemed so normal and healthy. We never had a fight in 5 years and ended up breaking up amicably and staying friends only due to him moving too far away. I never felt jealousy or anything like that which I hear BPD people talk about. I definitely would not have said he is a "favorite person" or that I can't live without him, or any type of extreme feeling. However I know he would describe the relationship as amazing and perfect while I honestly don't feel I was being myself at all and while I did/do love him objectively as a person I don't think I'm able to feel (or wasn't at the that time) "true" emotions, I felt like I was acting like the perfect girlfriend rather than being me. So again maybe this is a way I don't get
triggered into having a normal BPD reaction, when I'm interacting with people I normally don't feel like it's as myself so if they abandon me I'm not sure I would feel it's "me" who is being abandoned, etc. Also when I say I am "fair and balanced" I think this came across the wrong way - I do think really completely insane and not balanced shit like "this person really hates me/wants me to die/is out to harm me/will take great joy from harming me", it's just that I am always able to remember at the same time the reasons why this realistically isn't true and I never act on any thought like this (besides avoiding). I just never really go from any extreme to another, it's like I am able to feel the extreme negative stuff while always understanding at the same time that it isn't true. Like to give a real example, when my psychiatrist said I could have BPD I instantly think she doesn't know me, she's trying to label me with something that could harm me, she hates me, she's invalidating me, she thinks I have horrible traits like being manipulative, narcissistic, attention seeking, I never want to see her again, she doesn't want to see me again either, psychiatry is evil, I'm really upset and feel like I'm being treated very badly and unfairly. BUT at the exact same time I KNOW that she is a good psychiatrist, she wouldn't say this if she didn't have a good reason to, ethically I think she wants to do what is best by me, it's probably more likely that she likes me as a person than hates me, realistically there is no chance she is that personally invested in me to hate me or want to harm me in any way. If she's saying I have BPD I'm sure it's because she wants to help me and she has put a lot of thought into it. And I also accept that it's very likely I do actually have BPD if someone with her experience has come to this conclusion and that's not unfair or bad treatment for her to say. And even though I might think something like "I never want to see her again" -in reality I will never even miss or be late for an appointment, or have any outward sign of disagreement or conflict. Sorry I feel like this got really rambley but thanks if you read the whole thing kek, and I don't mind if you think I'm lying I just appreciate any thoughts or outside perspectives because I'm confused.
No. 1663671
The cluster B scare of current year is really disheartening. I've learned to control my BPD traits but it's not enough.
Some estranged moid friend reached out to me. I was happy to catch up again. But he told me he was learning about psychology on youtube. Told me how left home quick because he learned his mom was supposedly NPD, was armchair diagnosing everyone in his life, etc. I wanted to pull back but of course my clingy dumb ass was like, yay friendship, it'll be fine. Nope.
I confessed my problems and vulnerabilities of the past to him so everything was on the table, saying I'm working at it. He accepted it. He wanted something more with me, I rejected him. Then he did a 180 on me and accused me of guilt tripping for sending him a long message saying I appreciated him and hoped we could still be friends? Then was being rude as fuck when I said I wanted to talk things out. I'm convinced he armchaired me and ran. Because I'm verbose, which he insulted me over a lot, I get attached to people, and I admitted abandonment sensitivity. I was too scared to message him when he said that, so I went silent for a few days to calm down. Then he wiped our chat history, blocked me, and told me to fuck off when I texted him saying I needed more time to respond to him.
For once, I was not the psycho in the situation, I kept a level head and just wanted to communicate while he insulted me kek. But I figure he either caught signs of me from a Top 10 List or heard things from others about the past. Good riddance probably, thirsty-ass moid and he even admitted he had empathy issues, but I'm still sad to lose someone I thought was a friend, especially since I opened up to him. Hurts that people will boil you down to mental illness and not treat you as human. I know it's self serving of me but I'm just so tired of this, especially for cluster B's who are self aware and put in the work to improve.
No. 1687619
>>1685992I know what you mean. I don’t particularly get mad but I do feel great discomfort and annoyed as they’re bringing my mood down. Sometimes even jealous and cynical of their authenticity because my repressed ass can’t comprehend showing weakness and vulnerability to strangers, the only time I cry is behind closed door and absolutely losing it.
While it might be a symptom related to the BPD-induced narcissism, I don’t beat myself up over such thoughts that it is just me because I think most people are just indifferent to those whose sadness they can not immediately identify with. I think everyone would prefer if everyone is always happy and never upset. After all, comforting a fellow person IS labor and a choice. The discomfort one feels around upset person must somewhat be a social strategy to incentivize community, which directly conflicts with the self-preserving instinct of living in a world that nurtures selfishness and misanthropy. That said, I do everything expected of me like a well adjusted empathetic person when a loved one is going through a hard time even if it is tiring and performative. I would never make my loved ones feel bad about it because they do deserve that effort. I take pride in the fact that a phony like me can offer compassion and connection to my small world.
No. 1690818
File: 1694138118357.png (1.08 MB, 700x700, i-simply-will-not-think-at-all…)
Does anyone else here suffer from hallucinations? Or just delusions? I sometimes see random small stuff. Don't want to elaborate. But what I saw today looked like a weevil. These things are not very regular for me anyway. Not medicated btw.
No. 1691967
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How tf do I stop splitting?? Please help. I don't know what to do anymore to control this shit. The thoughts keep pilling up and it's unbearable for me despite taking anxiety meds, and I haven't been this BPD in years until recently that I started taking birth control pills. Like legit, I was doing good until now. I don't want to end like Jillian and Steven here. Please help. I didn't want to make this post at first because it's embarrassing to admit that I'm currently not doing good managing my own shit, but I'm really going through it now. It's like a non rational me takes over, it's never been so confusing to me before.
No. 1691984
>>1691967hey
nonnie, I'm just gonna be straight up, go off of birth control if possible. I was taking them for 2+ years and I had never been so completely messed up in my life. I haven't been on it for a year now, did DBT and I feel much better!! Splitting is something that I feel is always going to happen with bpd no matter what you do. Acknowledging when it's happening is the only thing that has helped me, stepping back from the moment, realizing wtf is going on, and trying to distract yourself with something else. It's hard to mange your own shit sometimes, everyone struggles with it, please don't be embarrassed. You got this
No. 1692458
Anons how did you get diagnosed?
>>1692442There are different ways of birth control, ones with low or no hormones at all. Please always consult a doctor before starting birth control treatment. You made the right choice by choosing not to take them if you felt uncomfortable doing so, birth control pills aren't for every woman and barrier methods can be better.
No. 1692461
>>1691984Nonnie thanks for your nice advice. For me it isn't possible to quit birth control since I was put on it for unrelated reasons to sex. Sorry for not responding sooner.
>>1692442I'm sorry that you're going through this
nonnie. I basically don't have friends anymore either, but it's not like I don't want them. I just feel inherently broken.
No. 1694466
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I recently got diagnosed with BPD and truly what a fucking shitshow. I've been insufferable to my closest friends and reading the horror stories in the other thread it's awful knowing the pain and unfairness nonnies went through with bpd people is heartwrenching. I decided to take the L and step back on all the relationships I have and just help those whom I hurt get closure irregardles of my feelings. I rather have my bpd meltdowns in the privacy of my own room than put that on someone else. It messes with my brain so much that what I thought was "geniune" love was only conditional and I always made my loved ones feel not good enough because my head is so far gone to see how I was hurting them by acting like a narc. Shit, sometimes in life things don't go your way and you need to address your schizo thoughts and breakdowns. I am a poor and can't access long term therapy because of exorbitant prices, but I found a 3rd world therapist (where I'm from) that specializes in DBT and mood disorders so it's better than nothing ig. Currently on meds but they're just antidepressants, so I will push for better ones once my family medic realises no ssri will help. What's most messed up about it is that no matter how much you have the patience to explain to me like I'm a 5 year old that acting like a complete narc hurts you, I won't truly understand. Maybe after the mental breakdown once the damage is done I'll see the error in my ways, but I will repeatedly do the same mistakes. It's so draining to always feel like people around me just want to hurt me for the lols and I feel truly powerless to stop these intense schizo feelings. Still, it's my responsibility to keep that under control and take accountability. I'm living like a hermit right now and lolcow is the only place I visit except for youtube. I truly feel powerless and I have a long way to go, I need to re-learn how to be a person again.
Nonnies that struggle with sense of self, how did you manage to get a grip on your own identity?
No. 1696120
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No. 1696295
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Does anyone else find it hard to keep yourself in the present moment? It's like my brain is designed to relive ugly past events and the good things that have happened never stick by. The good moments always have some type of impermanence. I am anxious about shit every day.
No. 1696899
>>1696392I imagine if practiced seriously it could help with the rumination, the thought loops, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, help mild agitation and anxiety from escalating. Probably doesn’t matter in situations where they are already in crisis mode after getting hair
triggered. Bippies who don’t have a hold of their emotions lack the discipline to practice meditation to begin with anyway.
>>1694466I have a lot to say about “identity” and “sense of self” but I’m too sleepy to sperg about it. Basically, we are just way too neurotic about a thing that doesn’t matter. You are a lonely brain trapped inside a meat prison, unable to experience another consciousness, only clumsy attempts at relatability. Realize that such lament is existential more than psychological. We should focus on accumulating experiences and human connections. Everything else is just ego and advertising.
No. 1698415
>>1696899I would love to hear more about what you have to say
nonnie.
>we are just way too neurotic about a thing that doesn’t matter.That hit hard. The reason why I'm stressing over the concept of "identity" is because it has been detrimental towards my relationships, especially when my closed ones realise and point out that I start to mirror them. I don't indent to but it feels like I just play "monkey see monkey do" with people. I can be anything and everything. I don't know how to cultivate myself an organic sense of self. I know that nobody is 100% original, but every person has that "charm" about themselves, and something to make them stand out. I feel like a mimikyu in a world of pikachus.
No. 1698469
>>1697291i absolutely do kek
>>1698424thank you nona, i was volatile (although not to the extent of having bpd/other pd) in the past but then it all settled down for 2 years and everything was fine. maybe it's just my previous issues creeping up on me
No. 1698561
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nonas im being so serious right now and not trying to sound like a pickme, but all of the bpdchans ive met irl have been so much more unhinged and unable to grip with their diagnosis. i guess ive been in therapy since a young age and i was lucky enough to try out a new therapy method tailored to personality disorders (MBT). But its so difficult, at the start of relationships with them its great because we can relate on so many nuanced things, but they end up doing something so completely wild or disrespectful that i cant even see myself in them or stand being around them. ive learnt self/impulse control, and ive always been incredibly eager and willing to work on myself so i suppose thats the difference. tldr i want stable bpdchan friends
No. 1698588
File: 1694760401281.jpg (525.57 KB, 2350x2984, fox.jpg)
Just wanna say, I love you nonnies. I'm a depressed bitch who can't feel a single thing, I and I love my bpd friends who feel it all. You are cool and I love you.
No. 1698593
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>>1698588we love you too nonna
No. 1698607
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>>1698588love you too
nonny!
No. 1703474
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What was the main trauma that you believe triggered your BPD for sure? mine was my dad trying to kill my mom with a gun
No. 1706466
>>1703474For me it was a myriad of cptsd shit and at this point I barely remember half of my childhood kek
Nonas how did your bpd manifest in childhood/teenage years? For me I would be
victim to constant grooming by moids because it was so easy for them to become my fp due to the codependent attachment/trauma bond shit
No. 1706770
>>1706477Hello lovely,
I have an unstable sense of self, but what helped was finding the route cause. I’d ignore my feelings, because I was emotionally neglected, and gaslighted. So (easier said than done) listen to your feelings, journalling is especially helpful, if it’s boring you can get some tea and put on some music.
Pursue creative outlets, validate your needs, treat yourself with the kindness you’d treat your closest friend with. What helped especially, was that I found journals from when I was 12, before the worst of the abuse. It was cringy, honest, interesting, and it helped me find out who I was again. I also found the playlists I liked, and tried to cultivate love towards the young me, and then myself.
If you have feelings of worthlessness, and shame due to abuse, stop turning the hate inwards, and turn it outwards, to those who hurt you. Anger is
valid. If you love something, you’re angry when it’s hurt, don’t let society gaslight you into forcing positivity, because you may just end up hating yourself instead, feeling guilty for your anger. I used my anger to get fit. Validate your feelings, say what you mean, realise that you’re just as valuable as anyone else.
Last and probably most controversially, I did psychedelics and began to see everything with new eyes, to see myself with love. It was a game changer, but I don’t recommend it, we have spicy brain chemistry.
I had no idea about iron! I’ll get more iron in, good idea.
>Tl;dr: journalling, deprogram the self gaslighting, listen to your feelings, be kind to yourself like an older sister, pursue things that make you happy, realise that your anger/shame may be misdirected No. 1708110
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What DBT / MBT / DBT techniques actually work for you nonnas? Help. Thanks to anyone who replies.
No. 1708438
>>1708110I can't remember what the exact technique was called, but I did DBT before the pandemic and the one that really helped me was some sort of distraction/affirmation thing? Like when I can feel my emotions getting out of control, I start saying to myself that the emotions are a natural reaction to whatever happened, that it's okay to be feeling them and that they will calm down soon. I just keep repeating that.
Another one that helped was the wise mind/emotional mind thing. You need to learn to balance 'rational mind' with 'emotional mind' so that you can reach 'wise mind' or something. It sounded ridiculous when we first did it but it actually worked, so that might be something you want to look up.
No. 1708551
>>1708545You still have BPD
nonny, but remember that BPD can feel like it's absent sometimes due to changes in our lives or because we got better. It has a high remission rate so that's good, just remember to keep an eye on it!
For me I completely understand what you mean, during the pandemic I barely had symptoms showing up (and if they did they were not as big deal in the grand scheme of things) but things got worse this year again. I'm trying to re teach myself coping mechanisms again.
I hope you continue feeling better!
No. 1708934
>>1703474Being molested when i was a child, BPD father, emotionally neglectful mother, dream that turned into false memory of being sexually harassed/almost abused by grand-grandfather and everyone seeing but doing nothing, grew up on the internet, had no real friends (all the friends that i had mistreated me, hit me and put me as inferior to them) other than one single girl from my childhood, my father almost punching my mother in front of me and throwing a glass plate in my direction, being generally more sensitive (a cry baby, as some people say) and constantly neglected/devalidated/made fun of, liking different things from all other kids and never connecting with other kids…
>>1706466One billion internet boyfriends/girlfriends that i would lie to about my appearance, no friends, early porn introduction leading to fucked up fetishes, many things, but i don't think my experience was as bad as some other BPD girls was!
No. 1709975
>>1709843Wow. So that's why i relate so much to my ADHD nigel . That's crazy, thanks for the info, extremelly interesting.
Or maybe i'm picking his traits to myself… oh well!
No. 1717144
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Has anyone tried Wellbutrin for BPD? Currently using Citalopram
No. 1734933
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ive been doing dbt since august. i dropped my one on one therapist a little over a month later and im thinking of dropping group too, next week is our final session for the first (of 4) modules.
i was well and truly fucked from birth and my childhood is the perfect ingredient that coagulated the trauma + genetic predisposition mix. i find it hard to accept that i alone can only save myself and still go through traumatic events. dbt has been feeling like picrel, honestly. idc if it makes me sound selfish or spoiled, i didnt expect it to be a magic cure and i knew it would be hard but its honestly been making me spiral more often than not. if anything, ive been turning to alcohol more often and the only reason id ever contact my psychiatrist again is to be prescribed benzos (which i'm sure he won't give). i spent like 20 instances per day thinking 'god something is so deeply wrong with me' and i have these half hearted attempts to cultivate a better life for myself but it's all for naught. i honestly think i'd be better off dead because nothing is helping. nothing will help.
No. 1735409
I made a friend recently who has BPD and as she was talking to me about it I realised the way she felt lined up way too much with myself. I've been under the impression I was just some level of sperg the last few years but I did consider having BPD as a teenager. I'm in my late 20s now but I've always struggled with having a vacuous sense of self, feeling like I'm just a shell that takes on identities because I have to. I always feel profoundly empty, and it makes me depressed when I think too hard about it. I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and smoke weed nightly. I used to be insane as a teenager, would act out in various ways, self harm by having sex with adults, publicly embarrass myself online. All of my relationships have been unstable and I've wondered multiple times if I'm even capable of love. I've cheated on every partner I've had (except the current one). So many things that anons have mentioned here. I just thought (as an adult) that everyone felt this to varying extents, that it was a product of capitalism, and that identity is purely something people latch to in order to consoom. My symptoms were calmest when I was single and in COVID lockdowns. That was the happiest I'd ever been, I was alone. Being too close to people makes me act in ways I'm not proud of, I can't contain my anger sometimes. I've also told psychologists before that every time I've been in a relationship, by brain "switches off" on my partner all the time. They'll do one thing to me and I'll instantly lose all feelings for them. But if they try and leave I'd do some sort of insane shit to get them back.
It's annoying because I actually don't remember most of my life. The string of abusive relationships I was in fucked up my memory so bad I feel like huge chunks of my life are just missing. When people tell me something weird I did or said years ago it feels like they're talking about a different person. Unlike when I was younger though I don't want to be mentally ill. I don't want to obtain a diagnosis because of the effect it could have on my future. But I don't even know what I want to do with myself. I'm nearly 30 and I have such an absence of self and have zero idea what I want to do for a career, to study, what I want to get out of life. Every time I think about it I just arrive at a black hole with all this fleeting options swirling around it.
So fellow BPD-fags, does think sound typical to you? Or am I just over-stating it?
No. 1737097
>>1736826yeah it does, I'm 28 and I'm more stable than 5, 10 years ago. I still got tons of stuff to figure out but I have also gotten out of the woods with others. as
>>1736989 said it gets better but it is a lot of work and that's okay, this is the hand we've been dealt, we just gotta learn how to play it.
No. 1737139
>>1558208Anon, a lot of childhood trauma or abandonment is resolved by actually being in a stable relationship or having someone that loves in your life, that you're constantly together with. It's also human nature to desire that.
>>1563596You're BPD yourself and unaware of her needs
>>1558218I think everyone deserves to be in a relationship and have someone stay by their side. It isn't a BPD thing.
No. 1738067
>>1737103I'm
>>1737097 DBT does wonders, in my case I went full anal on my physical health. I work out 5 times a week 1 hour max, try my best to have clean 8 hours of sleep, I measure my meals on the grams I need of each food group (to make sure I'm eating a balanced diet) and I keep my sugar intake to a minimum. I also don't consume caffeinated anything because it fucks me up kek. That really helped ease up my symptoms and outbursts
I think physical stuff helped me a lot because I've been a dancer since childhood so don't fret if it doesn't do much for you Right now I'm working on the hardest part for me which is trusting my loved ones fully and learning how to go out in public without losing my mind kek
I'm extremely intolerant of others What has worked the best has been #1 focusing on keeping my brain oxygenated by breathing with my whole abdomen and holding it in for a couple of seconds, this helps with keeping cortisol down and keeping me calm. And #2 carrying earplugs EVERYWHERE as loud noises
trigger the hell outta me.
Again all the luck to you on your journey
nonny! You may feel lonely and hopeless at times but remember you are never alone as silly as it may sound ♥
No. 1746974
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The past couple days I noticed myself having really uncharitable thoughts about a friend, like "I wouldn't care if she died" and "I never want to talk to her again." Both times were immediately after she said or did something I didn't like. Obviously I didn't express these thoughts and I was even able to see how crazy they were in the moment, but it was still alarming. Worse yet, last night when she showed me some kindness I was totally over the moon, thinking "friend-chan is the best!" and grateful for all she's done for me. This I did express, by saying thank you, but not much more because I have a lovebombing problem and she doesn't care for my compliments.
The point is that I've never noticed myself splitting before. Right now I'm a bit worried about it, like have I been doing this all my life without realising it? I have a history of severe relationship instability (I ghost everyone) but not because I suddenly hate everyone, I just get scared/exhausted and turn avoidant. Is that also splitting? Becoming suddenly terrified?
Idk. From people who know me personally to internet randos, it feels like everyone has been calling me a BPDchan, but in all these years I've never related to the label. Honestly I think all psychology is fake and we should worry less about pathology and diagnosis, and more about helping all human beings to see their innate goodness and worth… but that's a rant for another day.
No. 1751483
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>>1703474Mother who was physically
abusive and extremely emotionally
abusive - IMO she has cluster b tendencies herself and I experienced something a little similar to narcissistic mothering (insult me in cruel and appropriate ways since I was an infant, triangulate everyone in the family against me, golden child scapegoat dynamic, gaslights and manipulates like it’s going out of fashion, emotionally immature, foul-tempered, NEVER takes accountability). My parents hated each other and I had a very unstable family life which culminated in my Dad abandoning the family for another woman when I was 14.
This behaviour affected me and my siblings but I think I developed a personality disorder because in some ways I was zeroed in on by my Mum who seemed to enjoy it especially when my brothers would join in on the bullying. She’s misogynistic but joke’s on her because neither of my brothers bother to keep in contact because we all know as adults what a shit mother she was.
No. 1752718
>>1737139>Anon, a lot of childhood trauma or abandonment is resolved by actually being in a stable relationship or having someone that loves in your life, that you're constantly together with. It's also human nature to desire that.NTA but holy shit I hope this is true. Manifesting this for everyone in this thread including myself
Also, do you feel like it helped you Nona? I want to know your perspective on it
No. 1779902
>>1713254I had a bad therapist try to diagnose me with histrionic instead of bpd because I was wearing a yellow beret and had blue color hair. I said no to most of the symptoms she described, except like 2 that are obviously also in bpd. She kept testing me and testing me without even discussing the results with me to prove herself right. I spent money on those "failed" tests. I'm not histrionic, I don't even go out, I don't like making random "friends", I don't like taking up space. Some therapists are just not good at their job. In the scale of bpd, I'm one of the "quiet" ones with a lot of self hate and suicidal ideation, paranoia, hurting myself first instead of others, etc. But she didn't even get to ask about that because she really, really wanted to prove I was histrionic like her (she told me she's histrionic and could recognize histrionics from a mile away). In any case, I later on went to another therapist and he tested me for all personality disorders with some other stuff included and showed me that yeah I was the highest in bpd, anxiety, depression, and no significant percentage on other cluster B's. I was so happy and relieved when I got a 0% NPD. So yeah. Go to a good therapist, they'll know what to do.
No. 1779909
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How would you describe / visualize your own splitting? I used to visualize someone falling from a pedestal because they failed me. Now I visualize it as a pendulum.
And the problem is that sometimes the pendulum goes too far into one side, then releases very hard into the other. I try not to make messes, I try to remain neutral, but then my bpd symptoms spike. There's times when I feel like I have no bpd, because it only really comes out when I'm stressed. But it's always lurking in the back.
In any case, I think swinging too much into a positive direction is also a problem. I see it with my mom. She failed me so many times, yet right now I can only see her as good because she's older and less prone to hurting me, I'd even say she has worked on herself enough that I now say "all of that is in the past and I forgive you". But I wonder if that's just because my pendulum is on the positive side. And when that happens, it's like I forget all the bad and can only remember the good. The opposite is also true, only remembering the bad and saying 'fuck it' to the good, when the pendulum is on the other side. Thoughts?
No. 1780955
>>1779888I agree with you anon, thanks for the reply. And yes cluster personality disorders are usually survival methods that also have genetic roots. A child in an area with very high crime has much higher risk getting diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder than an average child for example.
Cluster A and C are also kind of influenced by the environment, although I think cluster A is more genetic as it usually manifests when the patient has a relative with schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders and cluster A patients carry a high risk for developing psychotic disorders.
No. 1780962
>>1779902Did she have formal education in psychiatry or was she a psychologist? It feels very weird for a doctor to out their own diagnosis and let their biases play a part in how they see a patient.
Also an outfit like that if anything would make most doctors you're bipolar in manic state if that's usually not how you dress as mania can make the patient change their style and looks completely(something bpd also does), go out shopping and buy a ton of new stuff etc. Hystrionic doesn't do that.
No. 1781006
>>1779902Anons this is why you need to stop going to therapists for a fucking diagnosis.
Psychiatrists may be "cold" but they are the best to go to for those type of things.
The women I knew in real life who ended up becoming therapists were unhinged bullies, falling grades etc…. you don't really want these type of people diagnosing you.
Go to a psychiatrist.
No. 1781029
>>1780962>>1781006I'm
>>1779902 and in both instances I went to a psychologist. I just use the words interchangeably because I'm ESL. The first one just wasn't good, even though I had a psychiatrist refer me to her as someone who would help with the bpd.
No. 1785464
>>1781036Yep I got that part from your text. It sounds like she was projecting and biased. So weird honestly.
My friend had a psychologist refer her to a psychiatrist because she was wearing a pink fur coat and apparently that means she %100 has bipolar although she didn't show any signs of mania at all so i thought yours might have been a concerned but unfortunately ignorant psychologist.
No. 1807224
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How to friendships when you have BPD?
No. 1818010
>>1807224"Don't be a sperg" is the greatest piece of advice you will ever have. I can't tell you how many times just taking a deep breath and taking a lap has saved myself from having BPD freakouts at friends. I've still lost a bunch through just being a moron though.
I don't really advocate for "I have autism pls be patient with me" shit and explaining people how to avoid
triggers is useless long term. you just have to learn how to manage yourself better and not act like a cunt to people you think you like.
>>1807615Objectively sleep is a major factor in emotional stability. I actually ran into this problem when i was forced into working overnight or lose my job. Was just a gigantic ball of rage to the point I punched a timeclock off the wall. My behavior was so bad I filed for a transfer to another manager's operation to get a fresh start and the current one said "I'm going to allow this and skip the month you're supposed to be here before we allow a transfer".
No. 1818014
>>1798106Unless its linked to actual behavior that the courts should be notified of such as infidelity or abuse, it won't be an issue except for the scummiest of lawyers and even then i doubt any custody case will be swayed by merely stating you have a common mental illness that is not known to be violent.
>like how Amber Heard was demonized for a BPD diagnosis in the trial when she was clearly being abused by Johnny Depp. lmao she took a dump on his bed. They were both fucking trashfires and abusing the fuck out of each other like every BPD relationship ever. Get a better point of reference than a psychotic hollywood whore.
You have BPD, you're going to be judged no matter what you do. So the best course of action is to be on your best behavior instead of fearing what is ultimately just a very open-eneded diagnostic label.
No. 1819122
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I hate the fact I still can't regulate my emotions properly and then I act like a retard when I'm fed up with shit and people around me think something super serious happened but I'm just disappointed by many things and it manifested with me crying and being angry. Like how do I explain that I was sobbing because I felt like an idiot because I can't co-operate at work and shit? And that I'm supposed to be learning many things but no one has time to teach me and eventually I'll be in an uncomfortable situation by my superiors? Thankfully I have some flexibility at work but still having spergfits and have an obvious crying face in front of people for no specific serious reason aside from my internal ones is still a bad look. "I don't want to see you like that" well neither do I want you to see me like that but that's how I am.
I hate how stigmatised bpd is even here and how we are thought to be shitty people. I haven't really been shitty to other people I just internalise all of the bullshit. I'm my worst enemy.
No. 1819210
>>1819122I feel this
nonnie. It’s really difficult living with this disorder, after an outburst I always feel like an idiot because the thing I was upset about wasn’t as big of a deal to other people. Then the guilt comes and it all internalises.
You probably heard it many times and it’s clichéd, but you’re not alone. For me it really helped to get into a BPD support group, it helped me get tips to regulate my emotions a bit better and actually
see that we’re not alone. I feel a lot less like the ‘crazy ex girlfriend’ stereotype after meeting other people with BPD.
No. 1824167
I can't afford therapy right now but I really really need help. Please tell me what to do.
>>1819210Can you recommend good BPD support groups?
No. 1824289
File: 1703259348786.jpeg (392.4 KB, 750x737, IMG_2023.jpeg)
>>1824167This book is only $15 on Amazon. Not the same as going to therapy, but there are a lot of useful techniques in there in the meantime. Good luck
nonnie.
No. 1826527
File: 1703379630397.jpg (4.61 KB, 232x218, images-1.jpg)
BPD nonnas, what antidepressants have worked for you? Do you also take anti anxiety meds or something else? Thank you to anyone who replies!
No. 1827059
>>1826527My psych told me antidepressants are useless for BPDs because we don't have a mood disorder, but a personality disorder. I think that's true, historically antidepressants did nothing for me or made me feel worse. DBT therapy is the gold standard treatment.
I take Clonazepam and Gabapentin for anxiety and insomnia.
No. 1892319
File: 1708251275587.png (50.99 KB, 554x554, images.png)
>>1892317Specially in the latter half of the video. For me being alone is relief. I wish more people saw these as commorbid just how ADHD and BPD are instead of pinning them against each other. Even anons here swear that people with autism simply do not have bpd and that it is impossible. I know a lot of female autistic people were misdiagnosed with BPD at some point so it might be a touchy subject but still, I've always felt a little bit on the spectrum. It's almost like one rules out the other when I wonder if that's actually the case at all. And I know that a lot of people with BPD are "quiet" and introverted but holy shit. When I see the more extraverted BPD people online I feel like I can't relate at all. Idk. Thoughts? Thank you to anyone who replies
No. 1911059
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Man, I hate having this disease. Or condition, or whatever you want to call it. Today I was confronted with the reality that some people will simply not stay because they are as sick or even sicker than you are. It does not matter how good you are with someone, you can never have a mood swing in front of them. You can never make them tired. You can never tell them "you're overwhelming me and I can't deal with you right now". You have to always stay masking as the nice girl. Be strong. You have to always be patient with them but they can never stay patient with you. They only love you when you are nice. They only love you when you are unassuming. They only love you when you keep yourself light hearted. I wish I could completely kill the mean side in my body. I wish I never felt angry emotions, I wish I didn't have the need to tell people how they're making me feel, I wish I didn't have to tell them how their messy lives are too much for me despite not wanting to be alone, I wish I didn't internalize everything until the crockpot explodes and makes a mess. I keep so much shit inside, I try to be a good friend, I don't mind it if that person is absolutely hurting me I need to stay until they squeeze me dry and then throw me away. I can't deal with this anymore. And they can't deal with me either. They can't deal with me anymore. I know I'm a shitty person but at least I try to be patient.
I know remission is possible and the books and videos about self help are out there. But honestly? I think it's time to gaslight myself and just stop "being BPD" I'll just call myself silly and do silly affirmations about how nice and totally not nasty I am. Maybe I'll give an update later if I learn to keep it up.
And I know that because I'm posting this vent on this thread someone will come and say I'm a manipulative obnoxious bitch and that unlike me, everyone else is a saint and I don't deserve to be extended any help or patience. That no one will have patience with me because I always take and take and take resources from them or whatever. Trust me I know, I know I'm terrible no matter how much I try, the cycle repeats etc. At least I'm self aware.
No. 1924425
>>1912670>>1913073I definitely hate ramblers, but only the types that can never fucking stop talking about themselves and how much their lives suck and they repeat and repeat the same fucking life subjects over and over and how miserable they are and never change. I do not talk about myself too much to begin with, not even when asked (idk what the fuck to say) but if I was to make light of how much the other person talks about themselves I'm suddenly a self obessed jealous bitch who wants to overpower the conversation. Great. I had a friend using me as a vent journal like that and got super butthurt when I told her to stop. She never got over it to be honest. She only left when she saw I wasn't useful anymore. And if I'm frank, BPD people do get used like this a lot because we're pretty attentive. It sucks.
Some people just never crack my shell. They never get to know me. They simply know they can talk to me without me judging them (because abandonment issues = I can pull up with other people's bullshit more easily so they don't abandon me) and this is how shitty friendships get dragged along for too long. But I'm the manipulative one, sure.
No. 1924434
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I know people have called BPD a "spectrum" but I wonder how true is that?
I definitely don't get obsessed with wanting to be friends with people very easily. Quite the opposite I just want to be left alone. I also don't really take anything out of their personality to make it mine (ew?) and I know myself pretty well. My BPD has mostly to do with getting overly emotional, suicidal and sometimes very hateful lol I'm a fucking mess I know. I think my BPD was mostly passed down generation to generation because of everyone in my dad's family having trauma and I was unlucky enough to also get that BPD shit triggered in me too I guess.
No. 1925035
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>trying to find dbt groups in my area
>all the reasonably priced groups are 30 mins away
>none of them are female only
>only one in my city or near my city is online only and $50/session
>has no facebook account to research local shit so relying only on psych today and internet listings
>how hard is it to find a woman only group
>I don't want to interact with moids
>reeeeeeeeeeee
No. 1926429
>>1925035Maybe email the groups you found and ask if they know of any women only groups
>>1926368Same here. Praying for the best for the both of us
No. 1937373
>>1532666>Do any bpdchans here experience psychosis symptoms alongside BPD?So, serious answer to your question: BPD is a psychotic disorder. That's what borderline means … you're on the "borderline" between neurosis (thoughts and behaviors that cause distress but know are just fantasy or imaginary, and sorta rationalize away) and psychosis (thoughts and behaviors that cause you distress that you literally can't tell from reality, that you treat as if they're real)
If you have BPD you slip back and forth between neurotic and psychotic.
No. 1937398
>>1158542That's actually a really interesting question.
Firstly, current psychological orthodoxy suggests (going off the ICD-10) that CPTSD and BPD are probably the same thing. Personality disorders like NPD and BPD are virtually indistinguishable from CPTSD. However, autism spectrum disorder is a neurological condition and thus ASD is a developmental disorder characterized by challenges with social communication and interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior or interests. The symptoms of autism appear in early childhood and affect daily functioning. Unlike BPD and CPTSD, which are related to trauma and emotional regulation difficulties, ASD's origins are strongly linked to genetic and neurodevelopmental factors. Individuals with autism have trouble understanding social cues, whereas NPD's and BPD's generally don't.
CPTSD (therefore BPD) results from prolonged exposure to traumatic stress, especially in contexts where escape is not possible, such as childhood abuse and neglect in a dysfunctional family. The symptoms include difficulties in emotional regulation, consciousness development, self-perception, distorted perceptions of the perpetrator (such as a preoccupation with revenge), and relational issues. CPTSD also involves significant disturbances in feelings of safety, trust, and self-worth, as well as a sense of being different from others. Typically, if you analyze BPD patients you'll find that they have experienced tremendous chronic stress at the hands of their parents yet they've also repressed the possibility of "fighting back" against them.
So, instead of turning their anger back on, say, their father's, they'll take it out, unconsciously, on "men" as a class instead of on the "man" who occupies a privileged position as father. You'll notice that BPD's will go absolutely ballistic on their partners for minor things but won't so much as speak ill of a highly
abusive father.
No. 1938225
>>1937398>So, instead of turning their anger back on, say, their father's, they'll take it out, unconsciously, on "men" as a class instead of on the "man" who occupies a privileged position as father. You'll notice that BPD's will go absolutely ballistic on their partners for minor things but won't so much as speak ill of a highly abusive father.This is interesting. Does this father logic also apply to other
abusive men in a BPD's life?
I have been in two
abusive relationships, one with a BPD moid, the other probably some kind of cluster B himself but in the more malignant narc category. The BPD one did horrible things to me but I was a lot more passive about the abuse and repressed it, I think. I just jumped from guy to guy after expecting to be rescued then demonizing them when they got tired of me. They were much kinder but ultimately abandoned me for being a hot and cold BPD mess, rightfully so, yet that hurt me much more than his abuse did. Which is totally illogical. It's almost like I took my hurt out on the rest of my partners moving forward instead of consciously acknowledging his abuse. I pushed him out of my mind pretty quickly for a long time but after 10 years it hit me like a ton of bricks finally.
No. 1938922
>>1938225If you have BPD then you're going to view intimacy as threatening and abuse as a form of intimacy and intimacy as a form of abuse.
BPD's have an extremely predictable pattern of behavior when it comes to their partners called approach/avoidance repetition compulsion. You should definitely Google it.
It's quite complex but the reason you stayed with your
abusive partner is very likely because he was
abusive, and this behavior helps keep BPD's from slipping into an overt state of idealization. The two biggest fears of BPD's are abandonment and "engulfment." If a healthy partner tries to get to know you, express intimacy with you, love you in a healthy way them you'll feel as if they're "disappearing" or "dying." This is because intimacy with your fucked up parents was highly dangerous and involved the risk of psychological disintegration, so you become panicked and
abusive towards your partners as a means of putting emotional distance between you and them. However, this causes your fear of abandonment to flare up, and you'll begin exhibiting the classic BPD behaviors of acting childlike, asking for emotional regulation, being submissive, etc. This then causes the partner to attempt intimacy again, and the loop starts over.
An
abusive or emotionally dead partner, like a narcissist, is ideal for a BPD because he doesn't actually love you and is incapable of intimacy and is also very likely to use
abusive techniques on you yo control you. This actually helps alleviate certain types of anxiety because it gets rid of the fear of "engulfment" or becoming too dependent on them to help guide your thoughts and regulate your sense of self.
No. 1940315
>>1937379Wrong. One of my parents died, the one who was most
abusive, and I'm still BPD. If anything things got worse because now I'm isolating more.
No. 1947309
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People coming into this thread and the "mental illnesses you can't pull up with" thread insisting they know everything about bpd are fucking annoying. I'm not talking about the ones affected by it (as in people who were sadly abused by BPD havers) I'm talking about the medfagging faggots and know-it-alls that think they have everything figured out and are experts in it then leave stupidly written social commentary as if they knew what they're talking about after reading a couple of pages straight out of Google. It reads as "I have nothing better to do but shit on others". It's funny when retards like these try to educate others when they sound unhinged themselves. Imagine doing the same for OCD or depression. I never wanted attention as much as they do with their shitty badly written posts in my life, I don't even want to be asked about my life or trauma, whatever the fuck.
No. 1961358
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How many nonnie's here actually have BPD or suspect you might have it? And what are your symptoms, how do you deal with them? The more nonnies that reply the better I will feel about mine so please go ahead, I will also post mines.
No. 1964700
>>1961358This will be controversial but not all of us are the same. I think the psych that had different classifications for bpds was right on the money.
Personally my symptoms are codependency, people pleasing, dissociation, high sensitivity for picking up cues for when someone is about to be angry or annoyed, emptiness, fear of loud noises, rejection sensitivity, oversharing, intense relationships in short periods of time, suddenly flipping on the people pleasing and thinking I don’t need to do that and act like I don’t for a few days and come crashing down. It’s this weird sensation where you suddenly feel whole strong and determined but it’s just a very convincing facade your brain made up. My rejection sensitivity is so pathetic that when I feel rejected I want to disappear from the lives of the people I have perceived to have hurt me. I cut complete contact and basically ghost while holding on to a grudge. It’s essentially a spineless passive way of trying to hurt someone back like they hurt me.
I’m medicated and have a lot of other so a lot of symptoms intersect with and are elevated by my other mental illnesses. I’m bipolar, ptsd ,ocd, gad, adhd so pretty much a shit cocktail. My doc suspects autism too but I’m too chicken shit to get tested.
Usually as you get older and if you’ve gone through any kind of treatment you become self aware of your own
toxic knee jerk reactions to perceived abandonment and learn to ignore it or confront it a non aggressive fashion. Some people with bpd depending on their subtype end up just staying the same forever and continue their bullshit for the rest of their life. Honestly that’s a really common path with people with all sorts of untreated mental illnesses not just bpd. It’s annoying how stigmatized we are and how much misogyny is ingrained in the stigma but you can’t do much else but hope to get better and prove yourself wrong. Bpd is not a part of you it’s an emotional callus created by repeated abuse.
No. 1964728
>>1937379>>1940315maybe parental trauma can mimic BPD. when I lived with my excepcionally
abusive mother, I was diagnosed with it. two years after I moved out, I went to a new psychiatrist who had no idea about my past diagnosis. after around 6 months back and forth she diagnosed me with ADHD and comorbid depression. recently, almost a decade later, I moved again and went to a new psychiatrist who also didn't detect any BPD on me. my sister told me that apparently my mother got diagnosed with BPD herself as she started treating herself after I went NC. I'm still NC because the thought of going through what I went with her makes me shiver. I'd rather live under a bridge than with her again.
No. 1965012
>>1964700>Usually as you get older and if you’ve gone through any kind of treatment you become self aware of your own toxic knee jerk reactions to perceived abandonment and learn to ignore it or confront it a non aggressive fashion.How did you manage to do it?
>Some people with bpd depending on their subtype end up just staying the same forever and continue their bullshit for the rest of their life.What subtypes? I'm afraid of never being able to change
No. 1965374
>>1965344I have been celibate for a while because of this. I have managed to act sane during a relationship but it was exhausting. I feel lonely sometimes but it's better than being the crazy and
abusive person I become when I am in a relationship
No. 1969244
>>1969204BPD upswings can resemble mania a lot. Meds can help alleviate the depression and anxiety from day to day life, which can help impulsivity and raise distress tolerance, which is beneficial. On the other hand, meds feel ineffective outside of placebo and inside a crisis since the issue is extreme emotional dysregulation, there’s not a pill to help one get a fucking grip lol. I’d be on an insane amount of sedative drugs and none of it would matter.
>>1969214I don’t think it’s pathological or anything. I think those people just have been hurt and they don’t have good coping skills themselves. I mean, it takes specific psychological profile to be that enmeshed to BPDchans in the first place.
No. 1969572
>>1969244Escitalopram makes me feel some kind of pseudo mania which I guess makes me unbearable, but so does depression and hatred and suicidal ideation. I'm not sure what to do.
>>1969214I think the ones who post the most about hating us and calling us "bippies" are bpdfags themselves. It's the accusatory shit while thinking in black and white what makes it obvious. Projection.
No. 1983107
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Is anyone here with BPD taking anxiety medication? I'm thinking of switching to Xanax, the only time I ever took it, it really calmed down my suicidal/self hating/overstimulated thoughts. I'm just scared of getting addicted. And if you're not taking meds for that, is there anything else you do or take to mitigate it? I suspect that most of my mental problems come from always having that annoying voice in the back of my head telling me to die. If I could stop those thoughts, I think my BPD might be more manageable.
I think a friend of mine tried Mirtazapine and she said she was literally unable to think bad thoughts while on it, but I have no idea.
No. 1983113
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I really don't like whatever is going on in my head atm. I like when I can go back to feeling like I'm a good person, like I can be better, like I'm nice and everything is okay. But then everything shows me the truth. My life is not worth the effort.
No. 1983123
>>1969214people who hate BPD are usually
victims of them themselves and are tired of your shit. typical BPDemon behavior trying to spin like you're some kind of
victim.
t. has BPDemon mother and had BPDemon friends that sucked my vitality and mental health out of me and gaslit me when I was concerned for my own wellbeing.
<tinyboard ban message>bait</tinyboard ban message>
No. 1983237
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Is the key to happiness to delude yourself? And forgive yourself for your past mistakes. I'm starting to believe it.
I can't really do so though because as a BPD person I'm fundamentaly flawed. I will beat myself down the most before admitting that others are wrong. Because everything they ever say about me is true. I'm a hideous person inside and out. But I want to believe otherwise.
Beating myself down in front of others is annoying them though. Yet another thing I do wrong. But how can I praise myself when I basically think I'm the devil and would be better dead? Or should I truly listen to the people who are nice to me, who think I'm not so bad? Whenever someone proves to me that I'm an awful person, all of that "good" self image shatters. I don't know what to do!
No. 1983316
>>1983237You depend too much on others for your self image and you struggle with controlling your emotions. You need to get yourself to a place where you can function regardless of how you feel.
Going on antidepressants will help you manage your emotions. They take about 2 weeks to start working, and about 4-6 weeks for you to really notice the effects. It's best to stay on the same medication for 3 or more months to give yourself time to see if it's actually working. If it's not, that's fine! There are lots of antidepressants and you will find one that works for you. Fluoxetine is a good one to start with.
You have to remember that the views you have of yourself are distorted by your BPD. Therapy will help a lot, especially alongside medication.
No. 1983609
>>1983149>mom has bpdhope she realizes bpd is environment + hereditary
>>1969214i don't have bpd but i was obsessively accused of having bpd by an acquaintance with supposed cptsd, despite her being a drug addict who cheated on every man she dated, pretended to be chronically ill, and backstabbed a majority of her friends (said friends were the ones who told me about her behaviors). it's largely a mix of projection and possibly bad experiences. nobody with a personality disorder is inherently horrible, you can have bpd or npd or whatever and be normal, it's not like everyone has the exact same symptoms. meanwhile people without bpd can fit the stereotype to a T but still feel qualified to shit on them
No. 1983634
>>1983609>meanwhile people without bpd can fit the stereotype to a T but still feel qualified to shit on themThis
>>1983534Don't set yourself for failure and misery and work on your avoidant attachment style. Remission is possible
No. 1983669
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ive been diagnosed with bpd and i always felt/feel like im not me, its the body of sumone else and i need 2 get out… many times i jst state in mirrof and look @ my flaws. my eyes r always su empty, no life in them. i cant even make friends because its either overly attack or completely detatched. its hard 2 socialise cuz idgaf abt them.(unintegrated posting style)
No. 1984642
>>1984289>I struggle a lot with feeling like my upbringing and childhood environment were not bad enough for me to end up this messed up.>I feel like there's just something fundamentally wrong inside me, that I was born defectiveSame nonna. Same all the way.
I feel like I wasn't meant to be alive sometimes. I really feel evil when I mess up and I have to face my errors face to face. Hugs. Please hang in there.
>I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the shame when hearing other people with actual valid reasons for their disorder and just sitting there, taking away someone else's spot who might need it more than me.Any reason for you to have BPD is a
valid reason if that's the diagnosis they gave you. I also wonder if my reason(s) to have BPD are "bad enough" for a diagnosis like this. But the things we do and the way we can't cope with our feelings is what makes us BPD. Not the trauma itself. It's the way we can't cope with it. it's how we ruin our relationships. We might just had been more prone to it, maybe we are more sensitive or genetically predisposed to it. Maybe it was all the small things. Who knows. We can only live in the present you know?
>I wish I was a normal and stronger person and not a loser with paper thin skin who gave herself bpd by not being able to handle normal life.You didn't take anyone's spot, you need help and you should be getting it. You didn't give yourself BPD, it happened to you. Remission is possible and you can have a good life. Get that help. Good luck nonna
No. 1984649
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Sorry for shit meme picture but I wonder if I'll ever attain this. Sometimes things get too dark and I wonder if I can just live and cope with my own shitty mental health. Or if it'll be too late and I'll lose it all. I want to try the "opposite action" DBT technique. Also recently discovered that I have a disorganized attachment style (avoidant + anxious) and that's my worst BPD trait considering I don't do drugs or have risky sex.
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/disorganized-attachment/Posting it in case anyone wants to read about disorganized attachment style.
No. 1985639
>>1984642Thank you for your encouraging words, kind nona. All of the things you told me seem true and reasonable and with anyone else I'd agree 100%. For some reason it's just really challenging to have compassion towards myself. But I'll try to believe the words since they came from an outside source.
>But the things we do and the way we can't cope with our feelings is what makes us BPD. Not the trauma itself. It's the way we can't cope with it.Yeah, I definitely struggle with coping with negative feelings. I swing between two extremes: my default is to try and evade anything that might be even slightly uncomfortable by avoiding tasks and people or trying to dissociate or distract myself. If this doesn't work and the negative emotion hits, I feel totally consumed by it and like I'm not in control anymore. I can't think of anything else or calm myself down, it feels like life is over. I've wanted to kill myself over the smallest, most pathetic things lol.
Thank you again nona for replying. I'm sorry you too struggle with this and that you feel evil when messing up. You're definitely not evil, you seem wise and compassionate. You've helped me a lot with your encouragement and I wish you all the best as we try to navigate living with this pd. Hugs and good luck to you as well!
No. 1985653
>>1985639Ayrt
>I can't think of anything else or calm myself down, it feels like life is over. I've wanted to kill myself over the smallest, most pathetic things lol.It's not pathetic at all. You need to understand that even if it's a small thing for others, if it causes you this much of a pain then your feelings are completely
valid. Don't discard what you feel just because others don't feel it with the same intensity, be compassionate and understanding, having a personality disorder isn't easy. Don't harm yourself though, allow yourself to heal.
Love you nonna, I wish you the best as well ♥
No. 1985888
File: 1714483506510.gif (1.98 MB, 335x258, kisumlady.gif)
>>1984649>I wonder if I'll ever attain thisnonna, I ofc don't know you or your situation, and I can't promise anything, but there is hope. I also have the combo of bpd + disorganized attachment style. DBT helped me immensely, to the point where I'm now basically in the situation of your picrel.
''Opposite action'' is a good tool. if you haven't yet, please look into the other core skills too. personally I got most help out of ''radical acceptance'' and ''STOP'' -skills as well as distinguishing between rational, emotional and wise mind.
I hope I don't come off as patronizing or something, idk I often feel that way when someone drops by to tell ''oh I pulled it off''…
I'm rooting for you!
No. 1986384
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>>1986082>This swing made me realize that my future is doomed because I am fundamentally forever like this.Nonny I understand how you feel, this is how I feel too in the middle of a mood swing. But your future isn't doomed, please trust me, you can work things out with self help books and therapy and it'll be okay
>Cue the people who hate us rejoicing saying “hahahaha see? you’re a monster, you’ll always be like this you bpd demon”Please don't listen to them. As long as you work on your issues, you will not be a BPD demon. Recovery is attainable in this journey
>I can never have the life I want so it’s pointless. I wanted to get married and have a kid but I realize that I will never attract a healthy partner and my child will hate me so what’s the point? I don't want to have a kid (too risky that they'll also get bpd) but getting a healthy lover is possible. I'm with a wonderful, healthy person that encourages me to be better and wants to be strong enough for me. You can do this nonna
>I have no support system and I have many reasons to believe that the universe is guiding me to kill myself. I keep getting signs from God and was told yes when I asked if I should do it. I also have these type of delusions when I'm in the middle of an episode. Please don't listen to that. You shouldn't kill yourself for any reason whatsoever even if it feels like you're on the edge, please don't do it
>I’m destined to be alone and it’s better for other people if I just don’t exist altogether.You ain't destined to be alone, your brain is telling you this but you shouldn't believe it. People who love you exist now, in the future, always, you just let yourself experience it. Kind people who are accommodating of sensitive people like us exists, as long as we don't hurt each other it'll be okay. And if an asshole hurts you, they weren't worth your time. I wish you the best
nonny No. 1991339
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Does this happen to you? I just came out of a month long crisis of nonstop wanting to kms and being angry and now I'm completely fine. My mind feels less in over drive. But now the opposite also feels like "huh this is new". It's not that I can't have anxiety or mood swings again, it's just that last month I had a terrible time coping with my feelings around something that happened. Now it's like I put a big band aid on my brain and I'm calm. And no I didn't change anything, maybe I came to terms with the situation. I just feel oddly calm and I wonder if this is something anyone else here experiences. I don't have bipolar, been tested and it didn't come out in my test.
No. 1992044
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Posting this here because this anon gave very nice advice. It reminded me of some nonnies itt that could get some help from her words too.
No. 1992046
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>>1992044And another nice
nonny from the same thread.
No. 2082372
>>2079533I feel you on this one. Literally.. are you me?
Like lately my relationship has soured and I feel like romantic relationships are what stir up my instability and it's coming to a breaking point. Outside of romantic bonds I am healthy minded as all hell but mix BPD with an emotionally confused and distant moid and it's mayhem. I've been denied referral to a psych 2 times because I don't live up to the general BPDemon stereotypes. Whatever that means, are we supposed to be causing a scene?
No. 2115365
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How terrible is a BPD diagnosis for general life? Does it really limit access to medical care?
I suspect I have it because I lose my fucking mind in a relationship, bend myself into a pretzel to make people like me, have a history of "switching off" and leaving people before they leave me (which I become so convinced they will do until I leave, then I snap to reality and regret), used to and still want to SH, and have a shitty childhood with a diagnosed BPD dad as a source.
In daily life I'm passable and functional, I circumvent friendship issues by having multiple friends because having a best friend flares up my jealousy. It's just when I get an object of obsession that my life starts to fall apart. But I also feel empty and meaningless if I'm not in love.
Anyway, I am in therapy for the first time but I don't know if it's worth it to pursue a diagnosis. If I can control myself I won't end up forcibly diagnosed so it will be my choice. Is there a benefit?
I don't want to be like this anymore. My boyfriend dared to speak to another woman today and immediately flipped inside and felt violent rage and like I must cut him off. I ruined possibly the best relationship for me because I was convinced she'd leave. If I make a minor mistake I feel like everyone will hate me and I should slice myself open and die. I'm amazing at controlling it and I've started trying to express myself calmly, but I hate living this way. And it scares me when my control fails.
No. 2154045
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turns out I don't have and never had BPD so I am officially graduating from this thread today, love you all and sorry for everything
No. 2163049
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For any nonna considering getting a BPD diagnosis, I would first try to get therapy with a good, sensible CBT/DBT specialist with whom you are able to look into the real core issues in your life and work on yourself without trapping yourself inside label. Unfortunately the BPD label hurts more than help, it carries a lot of stigma and some people may misdiagnose you and then fuck your treatment up. It happened to me, there was no screening process, no tests, a doctor simply pointed a finger at me because I was angry and nervous that day and labelled me as BPD, put me on medication that absolutely did not help, and after getting the misdiagnosis I kept feeling like an awful monster for years and years until I finally went to someone that helped me fix myself. There's still a long way to go for me but for anyone reading this, it's easier to get help without putting yourself in a box but being 100% aware of all the possible symptoms you have. The most important part is emotional regulation and to let yourself feel things without bottling it up or making it worse for yourself by ruminating. You can always have better relationships with people and things can change and be mended. I wish everyone here the best of luck, remember remission is possible.
No. 2172306
>>2172167doctors love to slap BPD to suffering women because they don't give a shit about them. Most likely, some of you itt don't have it, it's just shitty therapists who cannot be bothered to do their job properly. BPD affects relationships so if your therapist doesn't investigates those very deeply, it's all bogus.
source: suspected bpd, I was "just" an overwhelmed, autistic little girl constantly on the verge of meltdowns because I was abused. To some therapists I was a bratty girl who didn't like their parents because ahah bpds are immature, right? Stunted, even?
They were abusing me, in fact all the symptoms went away once I moved out. Investigate further, get second opinions, don't stop at the first BPD diagnosis, get a female therapist (very important!) and you will see a difference.
No. 2292052
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I'm so fucking tired of being a bippie. I don't want this. I'm so sick of the constant dramatic life changes, burning of briges etc insane behavior yet I always end up doing it anyway. I don't mean to, but in those moments I genuinely believe my actions are the correct ones to do because I don't know better. And they always end up doing more harm than good.
No. 2316772
>>2316633I'm sorry you're in pain and feeling so bad about yourself, nonita. What I'm about to write probably won't feel like a win right now and I hope it doesn't make you roll your eyes in annoyance, but 3 years without relapsing into self destructing habits is huge! It's so admirable that you were able to make it for so long. You've done great for yourself before, so you have it in you to do it again.
May I ask, what
triggered this recent spiral? Are those circumstances still going on in your life?
I really hope you'll feel better soon and that shame you carry lessens. It's so difficult to deal with and makes the future seem so bleak. I'm sorry you're suffering nona, hang in there ♥
No. 2317882
>>2316772A burn out that was exarcebated by an assault at work a few years ago that I never dealt with and just brushed aside. I did the good thing of asking for a break instead of just giving up for once. The week before I was supposed to go back, I just got very anxious and was having flashbacks of my assault. Instead of asking for an extension, I just shut down and stopped contacting my supervisor. I eventually got fired for not giving any news. I tried to explain my sitiuation to HR but as I was obviously faulty they didn't care.
It's been three months and I have been lying to everyone about it cause that's what I do. I am ashamed and now more anxious then I was at the beginning. I hate that working and holding a job is hard for me. In three years, I managed to become a manager, made enough money to actually live and now I lost it all. I just want to end it all because I know that it will happen again and again.
A surprise month of Hellmas is now in effect. For the rest of the month of December, VPN posting will be banned.