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No. 176526

You have no idea what to do about that thing? Ask for advice here!

Previous thread: >>>/g/147310

No. 176528

I am debating whether or not I should reach out to a former friend for reconcilliation after a falling out. We had been friends for 15 years prior and at times it was not the healthiest dynamic but we had some good times.

The final fight honestly wasn't even over something major but had been building up for some time due to incidents in the past. We both had fault and we cut each other off. It's since been a year and a half since we last spoke. The friend made an passive aggressive attempt to "talk" through a third party last year which I chose to ignore. If we are to talk, it will be an honest conversation and not through some manipulative mind game.

After therapy and introspection, I've grown and healed from a lot of my past and am considering extending an olive branch out to said friend to see if we can reconnect. Though I'm not sure if this is a good idea, that maybe I'm just doing this because I miss the good times without considering the bad. I would like a healthy friendship with them if they are open but I do not want to get dragged into the same toxic dynamic we had before.

No. 176529

You changed and have grown as a person, but did your friend too? From the sound of it not, I'd leave it in the past to be honest.

No. 176533

I don't know if they did, which is why I wanted to test the waters. If I'd have to guess, I'd say they may have changed a little but I'm not sure if it's enough to rebuild a sincere friendship on.

I mainly miss having someone who was able to understand and express that side of my personality. Is that naive or selfish of me?

No. 176544

How do people stay positive and optimistic despite having hardships? I see people who have it much worse than me (financially, career-wise, etc) and they manage to be happy and radiate warmth. I despair at the smallest hint of a difficulty coming in my way

No. 176575

It's as simple (and potentially difficult) as having a good mindset. Someone might be living in relative poverty but they're grateful for having friends, for having enough food to eat every day, for having a roof over their head rather than living on the streets. They think about the things they have rather than the things they don't, and how they can continue improving their lives and others' rather than wallowing in how difficult something is. They tend not to make judgments about situations and just accept that we all have struggles but that's okay because they're a normal part of life. They've been through plenty of tough times and survived; one more isn't going to rattle them. Why do you hate difficult things? Genuine question. I'd honestly be pretty bored if everything I wanted was given to me on a golden platter. Sure, it'd be nice for a while, but eventually I'd want a challenge. There are things to be gained and appreciated even during the rough parts.

No. 176592

How do you guys deal with friends who flake on you all the time? I swear, every single friend I have just cancels last minute on me these days. One of which was my best friend when I was young, so I have a soft spot for her. It just seems like all of my friends are super selfish, which sucks because I always show up no matter what. I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do.

No. 176605

Make better friends. Not being sarcastic. I had a group of friends that used to flake all the time from college. Stopped trying to do anything with them, made new friends who seemed more on top of things. None of them have flaked and they've been more appreciative of me in general.

No. 176698

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Anons, I need advice. I felt invisible all my life despite not being below average and not being overweight, going to college, to parties etc. Only a few friends and guys would always see me as just a friend/acquaintance. I went to therapy for unrelated and pretty hard stuff, discovered that it is most likely all related to my abusive family and zero self esteem, and my therapist suggested that when someone has no confidence, it can manifest in little things like how you behave, walk, talk, move, look at people, even how you chat online, and is really unattractive/prevents chemistry from happening when someone finds you physically attractive and gets along with you. Ever experienced this? Ever seen someone who just had a drab unattractive vive (for lack of a better word)? I am working on myself but this is a very new concept to me (tbh I used to have a really warped perception of how people interact and used to, like, think it was extremely bad luck or a curse) and I just want to talk to someone about this.

No. 176700

Meant to say "vibe" instead of "vive" of course.

No. 176702

Therapists say the weirdest vaguest shit to their clients. They tell you you might be demonstrating off putting behaviours but don't have the aptitude to explain to you specifically what you're doing wrong or how to fix it. I hate therapy. I had a mental therapist that was suppose to sort my issues with my step mother out and she refused to tell me what it was that I did to my step mum that caused her so much anguish. Said it would go against ethics. Meanwhile she was mates with the ex of my now ex and telling her directly about our sessions. I found out because she had dm'd my bf at the time and told him about it lol.

Sorry for the unrelated rant but therapists that don't actually give you personalised tangible advice are incompetent or at worst a spastic.

to get people to notice you more you have to be more social and take up space in social settings. Maybe you're therapist could try to actually help you with your social anxiety

No. 176705

Damn, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, that sucks.

I think that my therapist was on point though. Some behaviours she pointed out (nervous twitches, not maintaining eye contact etc) were confirmed by friends when I asked them if they noticed. I never thought that non verbal stuff is so important though which is why I'm curious to hear any experiences being on either side of this.

No. 176709

Yes, I know what you/your therapist is talking about. This may be harsh to hear but in my experience with people who have low self esteem, they wear it on their body and in their mannerisms. It comes off… meek? for lack of a better word.

When I interact with people like this, they give off a very anxious, self pitying vibe. Like they are uncomfortable in their own body and they are very worried others won't like them or they desperately want others to like them. Alot of it is expressed in body language and non verbal like you said.

This can be a very uncomfortable energy to be around because that emotions are contagious when you are in close emotional proximity (ex. relationships, friendships).

Also it's like, hey if this person doesn't even like themselves then why should /I/ like them? If this person doesn't think they have anything of value to offer, then maybe they don't.

People are drawn to confidence and self assuredness, almost to a fault (that's why psychopaths seem to do so well). Not recommending you become a psychopath, but just continue working on yourself. Eventually, you may look in the mirror and be happy/proud of the person you see. That kind of self confidence shines from within and will literally draw others to you.

No. 176713

Thank you! This is harsh, and this is exactly what I'm looking for. When you're growing up with shitty self-esteem, sometimes it is near impossible (at least it was for me) to put a finger on how it manifests to others. I used to obsess over my bad luck and would hate myself for seemingly putting the same effort as others and not getting the results. Now I believe I didn't put the same effort due to what you just described, but never realized it and was stuck in perpetual self hatred. Probably explains why a bunch of close guy friends maintained that they never got that romantic vibe when we met, and it never developed later.

This is so shitty to realize and I'm feeling like a whole chunk of my life was stolen from me, but hey, if I did unproductive things and got bad results then maybe if I do the opposite it will get better. Thanks again, anon.

No. 176714

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Hi anons, what do you look for in a therapist? I've spent some time in the mental health circus before, but most "treatment" has made things worse because I couldn't build trust or connect with the doctors/counsellors. I know that I won't get anywhere unless I find the right person. Mostly I'm wondering how you know when you've found a good therapist, what sorts of things I should look for, any red flags to be aware of. All advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

If it helps, for some background I have a traumatic history, probably an undiagnosed personality disorder (cluster C???), and I'm the self-aware/intrinsic type who already reflects on my feelings and actions more than most.

No. 176745

It's truly a pain in the ass to find the right fit anon, I relate and wish there was an easier way to tell who's reliable. I think one of the big things is to narrow down what you personally are looking for from therapy. Do you want to develop better coping mechanisms? Get to the root of your fears? Fix intrusive thoughts/spiraling? Have a specific goal in mind and then question if your therapist has a plan on how to address it and if they've dealt with those things before. Most will do a free phone consultation and you shouldn't be afraid to interview them a bit; at the least they should be able to give clear answers before you step in their office. You should probably look for someone who specializes in trauma and from there narrow down approach and what sort of modality they use. Expect an outline on how they hope to solve your issues, they shouldn't just meander around aimlesly hoping to keep you in their office. A good therapist should want to get you out of therapy someday, not keep you on the hook paying their bills. Although of course sometimes this takes months/years. Other bad things: They shouldn't self disclose without a specific purpose, shouldn't be judgmental, shouldn't make decisions for you or push you to share vulnerable feelings before you're ready. Check their background to see how much experience they have and with what type of patients. If they have any public reviews that can help too, but of course many patients don't want to share with the world that they're in therapy. Good luck on your search!

No. 176746

I look for someone who works with me to figure me out. I find it helpful to look at my issues clinically, in a CBT-like setting. In my experience with this type of therapy, trust or getting to know the therapist isn't required so that makes it easier.

I used to like therapists that let me unload or rant or cry about my past to them, but honestly while that feels good it isn't very productive. I never got better. The best therapist I had did not let me get sidetracked or divert the conversation (which was a huge habit at the time, stemming from my grief and depression). I remember I started crying at one point, he handed me a tissue and said a few comforting things and then straight up delved into drawing a chart on the board with terms and definitions of how my thoughts came to that point. It was fantastic. I stopped crying pretty fast.

No. 176748

This is anon who asked about nonverbal clues earlier. I'm hearing that unfortunately, it's often a matter of trying until you click with the therapist, but I'll share some things from my limited experience (tried a couple of different therapists until I found the one I like) and also from what my friends have been telling me from their own experience. I feel like a lot of these can go unnoticed during your first session so I apologize if this doesn't help you much.
I would consider these red flags:
- actively slapping a label on your behavior/issues. One of the docs I went to would straight out put a label on my behavior and explain it to me, basically taking the lead. My current one asks questions and gives me space to figure out some things by myself, guiding me into the process. She doesn't jump to conclusions and instead helps me explore my trauma and connect the dots. Of course, she explains how these things work, it's just that she doesn't slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.
- not explaining how therapy works. Not discussing what to do in the days between your sessions. With my first two docs, I would go in, vent, listen to them and that was it for a week. Rinse, repeat. I was frustrated and felt like it was not working. My current one (she's a CBT therapist) explained how therapy works, why it is important to constantly pay attention to negative thought-feeling-action patterns and how the brain is slowly changing when you do this. Depending on stuff we talked about on a given day, she will suggest a psych book to read or some CBT exercises. When I had a really awful week, the task was just to try and help myself in small ways. Breathe, remind myself I'm there for me, try to sustain a healthy schedule.
- telling you that there must be a certain way to live and that you're wrong if you choose not to. My friend's therapist was extremely judgy and the friend in question would often have crying fits because she felt ashamed of her own needs.
- as the other poster said, not explaining you the grand scheme of how long your issues could take. They sure should be able to give you some direction and explain how this particular problem is generally solved. Although you can go in for feeling awkward with small talk at parties and unearth some global stuff like childhood issues lol.
- promising you 100% success if you just do this thing they'll tell you to. The goal should be to give you tools and knowledge so that you can go through this life, not to fix you with this one weird trick.
- not doing anything when you vent again and again without a resolution. They should gently point you towards constructive ways to get out of the loop. Might be CBT type writing down your emotions, thoughts, and actions and finding the pattern there.
Sorry for the long rant, hope this helps a little.

No. 176773

How do I stop being nervous around cute guys? Even when I’m not personally attracted to them I always feel like their judging me, mostly because I was a real dog in high school and attractive guys were always really really cruel to me just cause they thought I was ugly and they could be. Now, even if they haven’t said anything to suggest it, I feel like they all secretly think I’m gross and so I don’t know how to make eye contact with them or give more than one word responses.

No. 176774

yup. and tone related stuff. low self-esteem gives you a quiet anger you carry yourself with… it's not nice to interact with people like that. the perpetual victim type are particularily easy to spot on.
this will be harsh to hear: low self steem people who have no inner validation circuits and no individual principles (following the crowd) act as if the people around them owe them perpetual validation, and sometimes they expect that out of you in a very subconscious level; like i said, the quiet anger is really unpleasant to experience. I say this as someone that has worked out self esteem issues and has done that to people (unconsciously). One day I realized how angry I was, and how I considered people around me to be responsible about my life, about the way I think of myself, etc, and I realized how it impacted my relationships and how unfair of me it was to demand all this now that I'm an adult.
The responsability is liberating. With clarity of mind you can be the person you always wanted to be.

No. 176775

Well, sounds like self esteem issues, which are to be expected out of bullying. You have very negative thoughts about yourself that you project onto them. Have you considered therapy? Please don't try to get in a relationship until you feel confident with yourself, otherwise you might get into unhealthy relationships! Take care.

No. 176822

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Anons, how do I stop being a covert narcissist?
I recently reflected on my relationships (romantic, friendship, family, etc) and I recognized that I recreate the same pattern in all of them: I victimize myself, shift the responsibility to other people and expect others to take care of me and my problems. I also have difficult with empathy - I often forget to take into account how my actions might have affected others and when I'm in a low mood I feel like I'm literally the most unfortunate person in the world and it is hard for me to focus on others. People have also expressed that they are afraid to share things with me because they know that I have an inferiority complex with a tendency to compare myself to others and if I learned that for example, my friend just bought a car (which I don't have) then I would feel bad. I was really surprised by this notion btw and I would never want anyone to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Another reason I think I'm a covert narc is that my mother is a narcissist and it makes sense that we share characteristics

No. 176825

Just turned 20 a bit ago and im still stuck at home. I do plan on living here for a bit as I live in a major city so housing is crazy expensive, however, my parents control pretty much every aspect of my life due to Covid. Theyre pretty chill usually and pre-Covid let me do what I wanted, but now they're so paranoid and legit wont let me leave the house. I cant even go to school because everything is online. They're even iffy about the vaccine and don't know if I should get it.
I know a lot of people have it worse, and sorry if this is better suited for the venting thread, but I cant do this for another year. I'm praying I can go on campus next semester. What can I do to remain sane?

No. 176826

If your mother is a narcissist as you say, then you likely have a lot of baggage leftover from childhood trauma. You won't heal until you process and move on from all of that. Als, judging from the behaviours you described, it also sounds like you have trouble expressing your feelings to others and communicating your wants/needs. What you're lacking are coping mechanisms and a healthy self-image. I suggest looking into conflict resolution strategies and ways to build your self-esteem. Above all, I recommend you don't get too attached to the narc label or fixate too much on a diagnosis. When I self-identified as a narc, I tended overlook or misinterpret a lot of my behavioural patterns. Nowadays, to avoid that I focus on specific issues and approach them as if I were anybody else, not a narcissist with a problem.

No. 176828

Odd question, but how do you develop a sense of self? I just don't really know what kind of person I am and I feel really boring and uninteresting. Mental illness has made it really hard to pursue hobbies so I feel like I have nothing going on. At best I feel like a stranger to myself and at worse I just hate myself.

No. 176829

Will they let you go outside for walks, to the store, etc.? Are there parks nearby, any greenery at all? It's so simple but just getting out into nature is a great cure for cabin fever. If you have friends in town, lie and say you're going for a walk and meet up with them a few blocks away lol. Hopefully you can change up your routines a bit, maybe try a new hobby or pick up some free skill-building courses to do alongside schoolwork. Spend as much time as you can doing creative or otherwise productive things so that you can look back on these crazy years with at least a little bit of pride. Hang in there!

No. 176833

Maybe you should spend more time with other people, a few years ago I was also very bothered with the question of what kind of person I am and who I want to become, and I realized it thinking about it is worthless, actions are what is important. And if you are wondering what sort of person you are, if you hang out with people, they will comment on what makes you interesting, at least my friends do. There is something interesting about everyone, you just don't know it because it's normal to you; nobody is boring.
I know it's easy to say "just hang out with people", so if you can't just be assured from my words that you are interesting

No. 176836

thanks anon, I appreciate it!

No. 176838

thank you anon, a few of my friends have told me to just lie and I honestly felt really guilty about it, but I think youve given me the push I needed lol

No. 176876

I'm asthmatic and I've also been struggling with allergic sinusitis for the past 3 months. I live in an area where the air is very polluted, and on top of that I haven't cleaned my apartament in a few months because I've been too depressed to do anything, so I definitely breathe in a lot of dust when I'm inside. After I clean everything up I'd like to buy an air filter but it's expensive and I don't have a job right now. I have enough savings to buy it but buying anything when I'm unemployed is very stressfull. I don't know what's worse; stressing over spending money or stressing over being unable to breathe. Should I buy it now or wait until I find a job?

No. 176919

Please buy the air filter. Your physical health comes first, always. This isn't a frivolous purchase for entertainment or a collection or something, but for the care and keeping of your life and self. Plus, how will you perform well at your job if you struggle to breathe every day? Please hang in there, Anon.

Also if you have any friends or family who can help you clean, I urge you to ask for their assistance even if you feel guilty or embarrassed. Nobody wants you to live in filth, so I'm sure they'll be happy to. When I'm too depressed to clean, it can feel too overwhelming to start without someone else.

No. 176936

How should I go about changing my personality? Should I change my self-beliefs first and then take action or taking action and forming new habits is what results in new self-beliefs?

No. 176946

Lately I've really been feeling that stem isn't for me. Well I fucking hate it honestly. I'm finishing my undergrad soon and don't know what to do going forward. I've been looking into different masters but there's nothing that really interests me. Some things seem cool on a surface level but my current degree also did and it honestly ended up being the worst decision I've made in my life so far. I feel like I dug myself into a hole - my undergrad isn't enough to make me employable(bad uni/no interest on my part), sinking even more money and time into the same field seems suicidal but going a completely different route isn't an option as I'd have to do undergrad again and I really don't have money for that. It doesn't help that I live in the middle of nowhere and choices are very limited in general. Studying abroad would be difficult and expensive and probably bankrupt my mom as I haven't been able to find a job ever since covid started. My real passions are history, art and fashion and I don't know what the fuck to do.

No. 176950

Identify what behaviors you don't like and seek counseling if you can't hold yourself accountable to change them. If you don't think you have shitty behaviors and just want to change your identity, then just do the things you want to do. You don't have to Heather Explains your lifestyle choices to anyone.
Most employers in the arts don't give a shit what your undergrad is for. In your free time, work on developing a portfolio and connecting with people in the field you want to be in. Take it from a retard with a degree in the arts. You might not become an art historian or whatever but you can land a job in the arts with any irrelevant degree if you have a decent portfolio and connections. Also keep in mind that you might hate working in the arts despite enjoying art, in which case you'll be glad you have an "impressive" degree to fall back on rather than an art degree.

No. 176951

I don't know if I should cut off my friend over him being trans
My friend was a gay man when I met him, he lives in a homophobic Middle Eastern country, I met him while he was on holidays in the U.K and we stay in contact online. I really dislike trans "women", I think they're incredibly predatory and the rare few that aren't enable predators and have an overall sexist view of women. He knows my views on this and once asked me to refer to him as a woman which I refused to do. He keeps posting things about how he's a woman because he has wide hips (he doesn't) and because he's so feminine (aka fits sexist stereotypes of women). It's even worse because he's planning to apply for asylum in the U.K claiming he's a transgender woman leaving the Middle East because of their horrific LGBT rights despite him being wealthy and having the means to immigrate normally, I know if he's granted asylum on that basis I'm going to grow to resent him for possibly taking asylum from a real woman who actually needs it. Should I cut him off altogether or is it worth trying to explain to him that he's hurting women by doing all this?

No. 176954

Here lies the issue, I'm a talentless fuck and I haven't properly created since high school. I'm more interested in art on the art history/theory side of things as opposed to directly creating, over quarantine I've been trying but seems like every one of my creative brain cells died a long time ago.

No. 176955

what other anon said but also, the best thing you can do for yourself is stop living in the middle of nowhere. If you want to work in art/fashion especially…it ain't happening in dinkytown Kansas. You dont need to be in la/nyc but you should live in a city big enough to have at least some opportunities in those areas. Moving is scary but living in a rural place basically strangles your career and life prospects because there are so few opportunities. Even if you have to work retail or w/e in a city at first, theres so many more opportunities around that you have a much better chance of something cool coming along.

No. 176956

Thank you for taking the time to read my bs anons.
I'm from eastern europe kek escaping it is my #1 priority but as I said I just have no money right now. I'd like to have at least enough money to pay a couple months worth of rent before fucking off somewhere. Covid fucked me over hard and I've been job searching forever with no luck. Most places don't want to hire students because they can't abuse us like regular workers.

No. 176963

I have my smear test/cervical screening tomorrow. I'm nervous.

No. 176970

Ayrt, consider working in the art industry rather than in a creative role. As >>176955 pointed out you'll have better luck in a bigger city if you can save up to move somewhere where there are more job opportunities in that industry. I'm having a brain fart trying to come up with role examples but you could work in support of creatives doing something better suited to the math or science or whatever skills you practiced in school. Then study your passions in your free time and make some connections in the industry through that job that could help you find a role that is more relevant to your interests. Even if you're not in a creative role they still tend to not be too picky about the details of your degree. Imo the whole having passion about your work thing is kind of a meme because work will always feel like work even if you like doing that thing in your free time, but I get that you don't want to feel stuck doing something that you totally hate. Aim for the industry rather than the exact role you want and remember that the first job you get isn't the role you'll be doing forever. Good luck anon I know it can be very stressful but definitely not worth roping over.

No. 176972

Samefag I'm a retard and read the suicidal comment as you being suicidal but I realize now that you were talking about financial suicide. Whoops.

No. 177015

Nta, I'm just another anon with low self esteem and this comment was very insightful, thank you. I honestly never thought that other than just me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I was also making other people feel bad

No. 177016

When I bring up issues I have with certain people they usually start listing issues they have with me and it makes me feel bad for even bringing up my issue and I end up back tracking and apologizing. It then makes me feel like I shouldn't bring up issues I have with others because I'm not perfect and I just need to push things under the rug. How do I stand my ground in these situations without it turning into a fight? Since I feel like when I do try and stand my ground an argument happens and doesn't get resolved until I apologize and act like I'm actually fine with the issue I originally had.

No. 177018

All I have to say is that you just described the conversations I have with my mother to a T and I also have no idea how to deal with it

No. 177019

How can I break out of the victim mentality? I keep creating situations where I feel like a victim. The funny thing is often, even if I actively WANT something, I often end up feeling like I HAVE TO go through it and things are beyond my control

No. 177024

Taking responsibility has helped me a lot. Like, if you fuck up fix it and admit you're wrong, if you really are the victim stand up for yourself and actually do something instead of sitting around and whining.

No. 177030

A maladaptive behaviour pattern like that tends to be linked to certain disorders so if that's the underlying cause then do everything in your power to address it and treat it. Take responsibility for that, if you can clearly see that pattern only you can go get the help for it. Nobody else can fix that for you. Own that.

No. 177037

Ayrt, I really appreciate the response and advice. I get caught up in my own head a lot and getting insight from someone who is completely objective really helps. Kek i am suicidal but more as a if-all-else-fails type of scenario so I'm gonna keep trucking for a while longer. Thanks again.

No. 177086

How do you learn to laugh more again? I used to laugh so much as a kid and as a teenager and cracked a lot of jokes but I seem to have lost that part of me almost completely, probably due to crippling chronic depression.

No. 177091


No. 177107

anons my granny died during the pandemic and I wasn't able to see her before she passed away. I hadn't been able to see her for a year or two because we live in different countries and I was always tied up with work and school. The last time I spoke to her was on the phone a month before she died and I promised I would go and see her after the pandemic when social distancing rules would allow. But I couldn't and I'm still so full of guilt and anguish over it. How do I stop feeling so full of regret?

No. 177110

It's not your fault anon. You've actually done the most responsible and loving thing you could, deciding not to be selfish and wait with your visit until pandemic is over. It's awful you couldn't see her one last time but I'm sure your grandma knew that you love her and you wanted all the best for her. Let yourself mourn but don't blame yourself.

No. 177111

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I’m just self aware enough to know I act extremely autistic but not enough to stop, especially if I’m in the flow of things while socializing.
Even worse I realize I said something incredibly cringe only like 3 minutes after and I have to resist the urge to sit and quietly disassociate while I’m out having a good time, how the fuck do I converse naturally without blurting out the first thing that comes to mind so often?

No. 177187

The best advice I heard that solves this is becoming a better listener and getting better at asking questions. For example, someone you're speaking to is talking about boats. You know jack shit about that and add the small amount of information you know will kill the conversation. Instead, ask that person why that got into boating. They'll explain why they got into boating, maybe a family member did or it was a wacky circumstance. Ask about their family, ask to elaborate about a part of boat. Don't be afraid to ask basic questions; the goal isn't to seem knowledgeable, it is to build rapport with whoever you're speaking to.

No. 177250

Hi anons, how do you make friends? I see all these people I want to talk to buy then I cannot talk to them, or if I do the conversation doesn't go anywhere.

No. 177339

How can I build self-discipline? I have the attention span of a goldfish and the impulsive desire for instant gratification of a horny teenager

No. 177347

You'll have to stop using all the addicting stuff that gives you that instant gratification (social media, forums, food, porn, whatever it is) and replace those habits for others that require your attention (reading, doing exercise, housechores, a creative activity, etc)
You'll suck at first and won't be able to do it for more than 5 minutes. You'll have to put into work for weeks but if you keep going, you'll break those cycles. You'll get better with practice, just like everything
There are thousands of youtube videos about it, watch (a few) on the topics of building habits, instant gratification, dopamine detox, pain and pleasure principle, etc

No. 177348

It's kind of tough to say without knowing specific circumstances. If they're people you see regularly like at work/school/a hobby, talk about shared interests and build up some rapport with them. You can usually narrow down things you're both into and then ask about going out from there. "Hey I know you enjoy xyz and I wanted to do this related thing on Sunday, would you like to come? No worries if not." If it's a more random scenario then you kind of just have to go for it. Like if you meet someone at an event and you get talking about something or seem to get along, say something like "I know we just met but you seem cool and I'd enjoy maybe hanging out again. Would you mind if I got your number/IG/whatever contact you'd be comfortable with?" The worst they can say is no, and if they're just being nice and respond in a lukewarm way when you follow up you can generally tell, but you miss every shot you don't take. Making friends is similar to dating imo, don't get overly attached and cast a wide net. The good ones will rise to the top because they respond regularly, respect your time and ask you to do things in turn.

No. 177393

How do I help someone whose life is just difficult, unlucky and lacking in meaningful choices? I've run out of advice about coping because I'm relatively sheltered in comparison. I care about them so much and I don't know what to do to help them.

No. 177398


Hard to say without knowing more details. Sounds like asking directly to them what you could do for them and what they need from you is a good start! If you say you can't relate based on your differences, then don't assume/try to guess, just ask and then actually do it (if it's a reasonable request of course). Let them know you're there for them and that you care.
You could probably start by googling things like "what not to say to people who are going through <specific problem of your friend>", and watch videos of people telling their stories going through those same problems your friend is going through, so you can grow some instinct+empathy.

No. 177428

Be there for them and listen to them, let them vent, let them cry on your shoulder, let them know they can come to you if they need a chat. There's not much else usually, but it helps more than you know.

I've been in that position before and pointless platitudes just pissed me off because I knew the person I was talking to was privileged and sheltered and didn't really know what kind of things I had to deal with. It's not their fault, but it was still frustrating.
It wasn't until years later that I met someone who was insanely privileged but acknowledged it and told me that they can't possibly relate but they will hear me out anyway because they care. And that kind of honesty was a lot more helpful than a chorus of I'm so sowwy/I know how it feels/Just hang in there/You can do it.

No. 177443

So there's someone I hurt with my behavior and I promised I wouldn't do it again but I did it and they said that this was the last straw and our friendship is over, they don't want to be friends with me anymore. I want to apologize in letter but I'm not sure what I should write. I mean I apologized before but I feel like I should do it once more for the last time and maybe thank her for all the memories we made together

No. 177449

What did you do?

No. 177453

File: 1617279889188.jpg (83.19 KB, 526x876, Screenshot_9.jpg)

I vented about this in an another thread a while ago. I have this problem of avoidance when it comes to social interactions. I have always had social anxiety and it doesn't matter how much I enjoy someone's company, meeting them, texting them and/or talking to them to me is an anxiety inducing task for me. Also, I guess because of a mixture of mistrust and low self-esteem, if someone is not constantly affirming that they like me and we are friends, I tend to get doubtful of their affection and assume that they hang out with me out of pity. So all of my friendships and relationships consist of the same pattern: we hang out, everything's good, then the mistrust kicks in and I withdraw and isolate myself, then friends reach out to me (usually) and the whole cycle starts again. So my last and only friend got fed up with this pattern especially since I have been in therapy for a long time and she made me promise that I wouldn't disappear again and then I did it again nevertheless. Avoidance is a legit addiction to me. She was like, okay, this was the last time. She deleted all of our messages and we haven't spoken ever since.
Even though I'm pretty sure this was really the last time and she's never going to want to do anything with me, I'm thinking about writing a letter to her, to provide closure, I'm just not sure what to write in it without repeating myself. I already explained to her that this was like an addiction. I already said I was sorry. I guess I would just want to thank her the memories we made together and sorry for the pain I caused…? Idk

No. 177455

Samefag. Sidenote: I think one of the main sources of her confusion is that in her mind, there is a direct correlation between thought and action. She simply thinks that if my friends are important, I do these and these actions for them. In my mind, nothing is ever as simple as that. I proctrastinate the things I want to do and avoid the people I want to be with all the time. There is no correlation between desires and action. I wish my mind was as straightforward as hers

No. 177464

In that case it could actually be beneficial to write her a message to tell her that despite having incompatible approaches to friendship/socializing you actually did appreciate her and the time you spent together.

No. 177465

I feel like neither of you have done anything wrong, you just have different expectations and needs when it comes to friendship. I'm sorry it didn't work out and that you've lost a friend.

No. 177467

I'm gonna do that, thank you!
That's a really…kind way of looking at the whole thing. I always assumed that clearly I was the one who was at fault. Thank you

No. 177512

File: 1617316598494.png (645.66 KB, 1628x612, 454363476365523466426.png)

Please help me decide between two plushes.

The on the left is a palamute plush (55cm) from the video game series Monster Hunter which I have played Monster Hunter Stories on the 3ds and enjoyed it. I also played Monster Hunter: World a bit on PC before quitting since my graphics card is crap and I plan on playing it one day AND the newest MH game on the switch. The thing that I like about it is that his eyes are closed like he's sleeping and the fact that it would be comfortable to rest my arms on, cuddle and lying against it. However since it is a limited item it going to cost about 245.64 gbp.

On the right is a Moomintroll his name is cuter in my native langauge plush (40cm) from the Moomin book/cartoon series. I watched the cartoons a lot as a child and I have nearly finished reading all the written stories by Tove as the stories got republished again in my country. I like that he is laying on his stomach and the fact he looks like his book counterpart and the fact that he is signifyingly cheaper then the palamute plush, totalling about 31,81 gbp.
However I don't know whether or not should buy one of them or neither since I already have a green plush (35cm~) of no significance that suits my needs aside not being able to rest my elbows over it.

Should I spend my money on new plush or should I save my money?

No. 177513

Is that Palmute really almost 300 dollars?

No. 177514

No I'm including the shipping fee and customs fee from country altough I'm not sure if it calculated it correctly since I categories it as a toy and not as a plush Idon't know if there is a diffrence
£181.20 witouht shipping or customs

No. 177517

I'm not gonna read the post (too lazy), but the moomin one is cuter

No. 177519

moomin hands down

No. 177520

I would go for the moomin because I've seen them before and they're cuter (more round), but you're a different person.

Maybe try flipping a coin and when it's in the air you'll know which side you're hoping it lands on.

No. 177521

I love Mumin, but I think the palamute plush looks nicer in general. I like the "little spoon" shape of it.

No. 177527

Could anyone advise me on what to do? My boyfriend cheated on me but I can't afford rent on my own, my city is very expensive. My parents kicked me out. I'm working and trying to go to uni but its all online now and after paying my half of the rent/groceries/utilities I barely have anything. I feel so lonely, I was making friends before covid but its been all remote since. I can't stand living with my boyfriend, he is very messy, bad hygiene, expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning, insults me… I have no safety net, no friends, no family, I feel really alone, I want to live in my own place but it's not possible.

No. 177528

I know it's covid but get roommates and find a new place.

No. 177544


anon if you're as alone as you say you are then you've got a lot of work to do. It's not every day that people are entirely friendless without family resources for no reason. Either tap into your resources or start on self work because hot damn that sounds sad.

No. 177545

Maybe she just moved a lot. I'm in a similar situation but I only have no friends around because I had to move like 25 times in my life.

No. 177546


you're very right. what i mean is that if they are alone in the sense of not being able to rely on anyone entirely then they are personally at fault for that. people who move away still have their roots.

my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves and tap into their resources. if they have no resources to tap into then they need to do a lot of self-work on top of everything else.

No. 177547

That sounds bad. Do you have absolutely noone you could get in contact with? I'm seconding what this >>177528 anon said. Start looking at ads were they are looking for roommates

No. 177559

Why are you being so insensitive? That anon seems to be trapped in an abusive relationship and likely grew up in an unstable home. Plus if she's working and studying online, when would she have the time to make or maintain friendships? When you consider all these factors, it's not unexpected that she would become so isolated. How can you say this is all her fault without even knowing her personality? You are the one who ought to humble themself. Also, stop putting so many linebreaks and learn to integrate.

No. 177562

>you've got a lot of work to do
Nta but damn that's so vague it's not even advice. You're being so overly judgemental, jumping to some odd conlusions about them and then that's the advice part of your post?? So helpful
>my statements still stand - anon needs to humble themselves
For the love of god anon don't offer people advice when you clearly have worse issues yourself.

No. 177572

I heard that changing your diet can reduce eczema flare ups. Have any anons successfully reduced their eczema this way and what did you change? My eczema isn't terrible compared to some people's, but my lips and scalp are always so itchy and sometimes I get patches on my face too. I'm not sure if there are certain foods I should be cutting out..?

No. 177585

>learn to integrate
>doesnt understand that line breaks on mobile happen.

What I'm saying is anon likely has resources. If they were truly isolated (and no that doesn't happen with just moving about) then they likely deserve it. If you're feeling alone anon, understand that it may be mental and you probably have more resources available than you think. It's ok to ask for help . If you are in a position to not ask for help from anyone, that's kinda weird and pretty sus.

But you're right, I'm pretty hostile with no actual solutions for anon. If things are truly as they are then anon needs to shuffle about their finances. I'm also living in an expensive area and the only way you can go it alone is understanding and accepting that your entire income will go to rent and necessities for the time. Anon should utilize padmappers, craigslist, and facebook roomshare groups local to their area to get an idea of room costs/ who is looking. Do you qualify for EDD (reduced hours still qualify you) or SNAP? Are there food distribution services available? Cover the essentials and commit to squirreling away any extra cash. Godspeed.

No. 177632

File: 1617406929817.jpg (52.65 KB, 772x960, 1614145949724.jpg)

I've been in a similar situation. Just stop cooking and cleaning for him. He is his own man now and you should get into the mindset of being roommates until you get outta there. You're not his girlfriend and certainly not his maid. Buy your own groceries. JUST your groceries, not his. Get out of the house and hang out at libraries, parks, discount movie nights, etc, maybe even volunteer for things and make friends. This should also lower your utilities.

Unfortunately uni might have to wait, but it's not like they're going anywhere. They're not going to uproot the campus and walk away lol. You're going to be fine, anon. Hugs

Have you tried cutting out dairy? I don't have experience with eczema and I might be talking out of my ass but I always hear that dairy causes a lot of skin problems. I always feel like my skin does better when I don't eat dairy too (but I always end up reintroducing it to my diet because fuck yeah cream and cheese)

No. 177633

I don't know where else to ask. I've already talked to my doctor and I'm also going to see a head doctor but there is a 6 week wait.
I used to be bulimic as a teen. Thought I was recovered, began purging again occasionally last year because people at work started to comment on me gaining weight in a negative way, even tho I was proud of my weight gain even if it meant I was slightly overweight. I don't work at that place anymore.

I've been really stressed out the last 2 weeks(love, family and school) and have been purging hard. It has calmed again, but here is my problem: It's like my body is starting to reject food. I can only eat yogurt and fruit in small amounts at the moment or else I'll involuntarily vomit. I'm at the high end of a healthy weight so my doctor isn't offering much advice ("just eat what you can") and I'm freaking out because I can't eat properly. I'm trying to experiment with eating different foods but it's just making me feel sick and I'm scared I'll might make it worse

No. 177637

Bulimicfag here, it sounds unhelpful but your doctor is right. Just eat what you can. Our bodies are amazingly resilient so let it recover and soon it'll remember that food is okay. You're not going to wither away from eating yoghurt and fruit (which are very nutritious) for a week.

You reminded me of last summer when I went on a purge frenzy. After a few days I start painfully burping for no reason and I didn't really hold down much food. But I stopped purging for a few days and everything was back to normal. Unfortunately I used that as an excuse to keep purging..

No. 177640


I wonder if eating food you might eat when you have the stomach flu would be helpful. Real mild stuff like bananas or rice etc.

No. 177644


This. Foods have a big impact on skin conditions. I personally cannot have peanut butter, high iodine foods (nori for example), dairy, etc because i break out in welts or cystic acne. I never took food intake seriously because it seems so trivial but it's absolutely imperative that you figure out what you're "allergic" to.

And it sounds stupid af but … celery juice. My best girlfriend developed eczema around her eyes after her pregnancy and she swears by celery juice. Have it in the morning with a splash of lemon, maybe carrot for a little sweet. Stick with it for 3 weeks and see if helps you out.

No. 177773

Thank you kind anons. I really appreciate all the suggestions. I’ve also heard that cutting out dairy is good for skin. I don’t drink/eat too much dairy in general, but I’ll still try reducing my intake and see if that does something. I also get cystic acne occasionally so I’m definitely trying to be more mindful of what I eat because it seems like my skin is being more sensitive recently and I don’t want it to turn to shit since I already have eczema. The celery juice also seems like a good idea! I don’t own a blender but I might consider investing in one.

No. 177820

I wrote a huge essay but fuck me even I don’t want to read it so TL;DR I let my younger cousin move in with me six months ago and she broke two of three important house rules, one of which I’d told her she’d be kicked out instantly for (hard drugs). Last week I discovered evidence that she’s been lying to and about me for months and brought cocaine into my house. She denied everything even when presented with evidence and instead tried to emotionally manipulate me into believing her.

I don’t want to have to kick her out because I love her she needs some solid adult guidance for once, but if I don’t kick her out I’m putting my mental health (and my house, I rent this place) at risk and showing her that actually, that solid rule wasn’t so solid, and she might be able to get away with it again.

My main concern is that I’m disabled and I feel like she took advantage of my symptoms and the fact I’m housebound to get away with whatever she wanted. I think all I can do is tell her I love her and I’ll be there for her if she needs advice, but I don’t trust her and so can’t live with her anymore and she needs to get the rest of her stuff ASAP.

What would you do, anons??

No. 177824

I'd definitely would kick her out. She broke 2/3 of your house rules! You love her and want what's best for her but she will continue to take advantage of your kindness. It's probably going to continue to be a vicious cycle like you just described. The self preservation is also a motivator in situations like this it sounds selfish, but what happens to you if someone else finds those hard drugs? I'm assuming having drugs on the premise could be grounds for immediate eviction and fuck up your renters history and you being housebound it would be very difficult to find a new place.

No. 177829

You need to stand by your word and kick her out as you said you would. Not doing so is basically telling her: You can do whatever the fuck you want without consequenses. On top of that she's taxing on your mental health and likely taking advantage of you. You have not just one, but 3 solid reasons to kick her out and you should. You can still give her guidance when she's gone. In fact I think that on the long term it's good for her to realise that her actions have consequenses.

No. 177846

I know you love her and want to support her but there is no way this situation is good for you.
The bottom line is, you set those rules for a reason and she agreed to them. On top of this, she then was deeply unkind by manipulating and lying to you. You already know she has to go. If you let her stay, you're choosing to betray yourself. It's true she needs adult guidance, but she needs to seek it out, and there's not a lot you can do about that.
Have somebody else there when you make her leave, if you're disabled and she's as underhanded as she seems to be, she may go as far as to rob you or refuse to leave. Hope it goes smoothly for you

No. 177884

anons, how do I stop worrying that my mum might kill herself? she was suicidal when she and my dad were still together when I was a teenager and I only found out when she told me recently, and I can't stop worrying that she might feel that way again. We live 4-5 hours away from each other in different countries so it's not like I can just pop round if something happens. I'm making myself sick with worry and idk what to do.

No. 177891

so if i dont use the kitchen to cook and there are roaches and bugs in the sink and counter tops should i be obligated to deep clean like my roommate wants me to? i make ramen and clean up after myself and load the dishes even the ones that aren’t mine

No. 177892

Why can't your roommate deep clean?

No. 177893

idk i think she's going thru a lot and help would be nice but like im like beyond depressed and she sees that. i don't know how to word to her that it's not my problem in a respectable way that doesn't bring tension in the house

No. 177895

If worst comes to worst, you can set a day with her so you guys can deep clean together. That shouldn't be too hard to bring up and talk about.

No. 177897

Please help…I have a terrible habit of rubbing my eyes. I've done it since I was a child but now I'm worried about making more wrinkles around my eyes. I do suffer from dry eyes, especially because of excessive screentime from digital learning. By the time I realized I'm doing it I've already been rubbing my eyes for a few seconds.

No. 177900

wear clear lens glasses so you break the habit

No. 177901

blue light blocking lenses and eye drops combined for the screentime and dry eyes

No. 177929

This might be insensitive but you just have to accept that she could die at any time for any reason, suicide or otherwise. So could anyone else in your family. So could you. Tell her you love her every day. Become someone that she'll be proud of. Life is short, it will inevitably end, and that's all we can really do.

No. 178018

I’m desperate for guidance at this point of my life and am about 4 bad days away from becoming an Orthodox Jew and selling most of my shit because I’m just unhappy with how my shopping addiction has resurfaced and how much shit I own. I cover my hair and gave up makeup plus switched to modest dressing and it’s made me much happier and feel closer to my spirituality.
I just really vibe with some of the Orthodox Judaism stuff I’ve been reading but I’m a lesbian so I doubt there’s a shul that would allow me to join, and other Reform sects might sideways glance at the fact that I want to follow the Orthodox “dress code” Halacha. Is it worth my time to even look for a synagogue?
(I attended a Reform-run Jewish preschool and after-school program for like 4 years as a kid but my family is all Catholic.)

No. 178086

I want to "graduate" from Lolcow and never come back but as of now, it's most of my social contact. I don't have any friends and am not interested in making them— hence why an anonymous imagboard is all I've needed to feel satisfied. I do have supportive family and a significant other I can lean on, but I'm still worried. DAE have experience blocking certain websites and never coming back? LCF is taking up a lot of my time and I think it brings out the bitterness in me too. I've only been here for maybe half a year, but it feels like I'm addicted. I wish I could use the siteblocking mechanism mentioned in the Shopaholics thread, but it uses a VPN and I can't run it at the same time as my usual one.

What should I do? I'll accept "go outside" but no, the answer is not "make friends."

No. 178090

Identify whatever it is you get out of LC and replace it with a better alternative.

Or download Cold Turkey, you can completely lock yourself out of lolcow with that software.

No. 178091

thank you anon, that genuinely does help

No. 178114

Guys, how can I stop playing negative imaginary scenarios or real past events in my head? They are mostly situations in which I feel attacked and I have to defend myself. They make me feel miserable but I can't stop

No. 178364

File: 1617839732513.jpg (Spoiler Image,108.99 KB, 720x531, 119713775_363188245086754_3054…)

Farmers please tell me how’d you’d feel in my situation. Is it weird to feel like I want something to myself for once? As in, I have a friend who seems to eventually take interest in all of my interests sooner or later. I love this friend immensely. She's one of my best friend’s and I don’t think it’s anything to stop being friends over, but I just get this feeling of “damn can’t I have this to myself for once.” Example, I like writing and when I expressed that to my friend they began writing too, and then would call me when they wrote a passage. I like reading and so they asked to borrow my books and then wanted to talk to me about the books and start a book club. I recently started drawing and expressed how I wanted to eventually get an iPad pro as digital art looks fun, and then they talked of how they want to get an iPad so they can start drawing again too. I expressed how skating always looked fun and would like to get into it, today I saw they got a skateboard and started skating. I feel like the tipping point for me was how I’ve expressed how I would like to begin streaming for video games and then they later talked to me about how they’d like to stream. At first she talked about wanting to do a “study with me” type stream which sure, that seems up their alley, but then they expressed how they would like to go into gaming as well, as who’s to say they couldn’t. Which yeah that’s true, who’s to say she can’t do what she wants. It’s just that this one really irked me as they have quite literally never expressed interest in video games. Like I said I don’t feel like it’s something to stop being friends over, but I don’t know if I'm in gatekeeper mode and being a bitch or if it’s fair to just want something to myself for once. Maybe she just wants to connect with me and relate with me over my hobbies, so idk if I’m weird for being irked.

No. 178376

seems like a BPD queen that's imprinted on you. stop telling her you're going to get into things and just get into them, and if she finds out you'll already be immersed in it and won't feel envious when she gets into it

No. 178386

ngl you sound quite young, also I've been through this sort of situation a few times before. You two wont be friends forever. She will figure out who she is eventually and leave you for it.
Do what you want, while you can, and just keep your mouth shut about it lmfao how is this not the most obvious solution to your problem?

No. 178440

I posted this in the stupid questions thread but figured I'd try here as well - how do I stop feeling as if I'm being unreasonable by speaking up for what I want rather than bottling it up? I (politely) asked my roommate if she could not sing at the top of her lungs after I've told her I'm gonna take a nap due to being unwell, and now she's acting like I've slighted her and I ended up apologising

No. 178452

If you said it in a non rude tone then it's her problem, not yours. Other peoples feelings (unless you intentionally hurt them) are not really your problem.

St least that's what my therapist told me for similar situations lol

No. 178456

How can I make myself be more active? I'm completely addicted to low-effort, no risk activities like watching Youtube videos

No. 178476

Do you want to be more active or you just think you should be?

No. 178478

I genuinely want it, I fantasize about my goals all the time but they just don't translate into actions

No. 178498

Posted this on the Get it off your chest thread and wanted some advice. What do you think is wrong with me?


No. 178512

take more risks obviously. time to develop gambling addiction! but seriously, this is vague. maybe start with watching videos about hobbies or topics you're interested in, then buy materials or whatever and try them out. or try to use videos as a reward after doing something that isn't as immediately gratifying.

No. 178530

Having to move across my country and part with most of my useless belongings because of expenses. As someone who collects items that all have meaningful memories attached , how do I cope? Esp if my memory is shot from depression and alcohol. I feel like I'm losing a part of "me" when I try to face the fact that i need to part with them. It's all impractical to haul w/ me esp because it's just stuff like cookware i shared with good people, or CDs bought at a really fun concert experience. i can't put $$$ into hauling a cast iron and whatever trinkets i've picked up along my adventures so… how do i keep them with me when i part with them? Is there a way in changing my thinking about this to make it easier?

No. 178532

idk if it's important to note that i'm in my late 20s, not someone who is just leaving their home for the first time or s/t. a lot of these trinkets hold memories with people who have passed or who i am no longer in meaningful contact with. i've tried the Marie Kondo method but it doesn't click. i don't know if i'm approaching it with the wrong headspace tho..

No. 178545

Maybe take photos of them? That might sound stupid because it's the physical object you're attached to rather than a place or person but I find that I look through my photos aaaaall the time and it keeps things I've enjoyed in my memory. If you're into craft you could even make a scrapbook or album with captions or notes or w/e.

No. 178579

Anyone here ever reported a close friend/relative to the police or got them convicted for something messed up? I wanna know how your loved ones reacted? Does your family hate you now?

No. 178581

I feel you anon, I’m an extremely sentimental person too but trying to fight it. >>178545 is really good advice; when I first heard of that idea I did think it was stupid until recently when I was looking through childhood photos with lost sentimental items in the background. It occurred to me that I felt so much better having these photos compared to keeping all those possessions. The stress wasn’t there: I didn’t have to worry about cleaning the item, keeping it safe, who I might upset if I chose to give it away. No stress about losing it - sure, I might lose the photo but that’s less likely and I wouldn’t care as much as some distance had already been created. All that was left was the joy (I don’t gel with Marie Kondo either but that’s the correct word) of admiring the item and reminiscing. You could even make videos.

You could also work on your whole mindset about stuff. It doesn’t define you - even without those CDs you still have the memories of the fun concerts. Maybe you’re more of a visual person (so the photos will help), but working on how you relate to objects will still be beneficial.

There’s videos about minimalism and sentimental items on YouTube that might help. Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is a book that I would recommend over Marie Kondo. He’s a super minimalist with four shirts and a bunch of Apple products type guy, the type I usually hate, but his book is different. It’s full of practical advice as well as thoughts on materialism and culture. Thought provoking, doesn’t come across as a lecture, and written by someone who used to be a maximalist. I refer back to it a lot.

I hope you’re able to figure it out.

No. 178584

How about digitalizing them? As in taking pictures of the items?

No. 178627

I legit have no friends, no siblings, and all my relatives are estranged and in another country.
If my bf and I were to get married eventually, I would have no idea who to bring other than my parents. Is it normal to just bring mum and dad? My side would just be completely empty.

No. 178642

I had a wedding years ago with just the two sets of parents at it, similarly I had no friends, wasn't close enough to my extended fam to really be setting up a whole wedding ceremony. We had a registry office weddding and in that setting it wasn't treated as anything unusual.

Are you thinking church wedding though? And is he having many attend?

No. 178735

Interesting to hear anon, yeah he is thinking of a church/outdoor wedding. I would say his side would have around 20 people perhaps?

No. 178777

this is fucking retarded but how do i get over never having a relationship or losing my virginity as a teenager? before i got to highschool i wanted so badly to do that shit but lost my teen years to depression and it still fucks me up. i know teen experiences usually arent good anyway but i wanted that so badly damn it. now im still a kissless virgin but in my mid 20s in my first relationship which is online and i love the person, i really do but god does it make me depressed, im dying for physical affection and to swipe my v card already. i know we arent going to last either because of the different directions were going in with our lives. so i guess i also want to know if theres any point in continuing a relationship you know will end one day too.

No. 178780

In retrospect I really wasn't late losing my virginity but when I was 19 I felt like I was. I spent my teens totally housebound with agoraphobia and when I made some progress and started going out again at 19 I was in a rush to get my virginity 'out of the way' I'd used toys already but was stupidly hung up on the idea of being 'behind schedule' to lose it. I was behind in alot of ways but focused in on that for some odd reason. Weird priorities.

I threw it to the first guy and it wasn't that deep for him but I (silently) obsessed over him because of the emotional attachment it gave me. I was in over my head and not prepared for how it emotionally affected me. I felt ridiculously heartbroken over a guy I knew was never going to be a keeper anyway. As a now 30-something I look back and I would honestly take back my first few YEARS of sexual expereinces if I could. When you're older you most likley won't look back and worry about some schedule that virginity has to meet. If anything you're more likely to look back and wish you'd been fussier about who you gave it to though. That's more often how people look back on it.

No. 178783

I was also 19 like the other anon when I lost it. When I entered uni I was just like "I need to be like an adult now" and started a relationship online with a guy working abroad, then it turned into a real relationship when he returned. I jumped into bed with him almost instantly because I wanted to lose my virginity. It was absolutely awful, our whole sex life was, because he was terrible and selfish in bed. There's nothing "freeing" about being on the "other side" (which in itself is a false concept). There is zero merit to losing your virginity with someone who doesn't care about you deeply.

Also online relationships are not even actual relationships in my eyes, not to offend, unless you have actual goals of living together/closeby in the future. If you're using each other as emotional crutches and it doesn't take out more out of your life then it gives you, then I don't see why you'd end it right now. I mean it's not too romantic, but people cope in different ways, especially in these socially separated times.

No. 178788

You could elope. Save money, save stress.

No. 178799

OK, so I am gender critical/ anti trans myself and here is my advice:
If he knows about your views and doesn't call you a nazi and doesn't wish you death, he is much more mature and emotionally intelligent than 90% of all the troons living in the West. Yes, he might be lost, confused and indoctrinated into the trans cult, but maybe that is what he genuinely thinks is good for him and that is his situation. Even if he is hurting himself and hurting women, it is not wrong for you to be his friend. You don't have to cut him of if you value your friendship even if he doesn't listen to you. He is doing his stupid thing right now, but he is still a valuable human and it's always good to keep the dialogue going on instead of just cutting him of and letting him be completely lose himself in the troon echo chambers

No. 178802

Nahh, too close to our families to do that.

No. 178806

>Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki is a book that I would recommend

seconding this recommendation. this book really changed how I view my belongings

No. 179047

anon just so you know there are people for you out there, i'm also very addicted to avoidance i go into these depressive episodes that last from weeks to months pretty often where i cut off all of my friends or i'll text with randos but not my friends which is obviously a douchey move on my part but i cant help it, its just how i cope with sadness and stress it'll never change, so when im afk for a while my friends know i need my space, maybe i got super lucky with friends and im very thankful but they don't get offended on the contrary they help me text back all the unread messages once i'm back to normal, idk like i get that its "rude" but i feel like she's overreacting, im sure you'll find someone who'll accept you as you are its not a huge deal

No. 179058

Okay weird af situation
>be me in highschool, guy has always liked me since freshman year
>I graduate and reconnect with my childhood bff, her bf at the time was besties with the guy who liked me
>He friend request me last year
> I accept not thinking much since I have his bestie on facebook still
>He messages me and I replied
>He message again and I don't reply because I remembered who he was and I was busy with my boyfriend
>he gets mad and blocks me on fb
>he sees I am in relationship and friends me again today like what the fuck

No. 179450

A friend of mine is being stalked and harassed online. We don't have his name. What can we do?

No. 179456

I think I might be able to get a tattoo apprenticeship potentially with a tattoo artist whose work I love. But I know he finds me hot so that'd likely be a huge factor in him agreeing. He has tattooed me before and we met through a mutual friend. Apparently he asks about me and such and he's a lot older and has a longtime gf (or wife, I forget). Am I an asshole for trying to cozy up and use the fact ik he finds me especially attractive to gain a huge favor out of him? Or would the work relationship be too weird or imbalanced because of it. I regularly get told I'm not by people so that's nothing new, but never to my face by a boss, but I know things are more informal in the tattoo industry.

No. 179464

Idk much about the tattoo industry, but this sounds like a bad idea. He'll probably end up trying to escalate your relationship into something more, and you have to keep in mind that he has a longterm partner.

No. 179501

What if he will use the power imbalance against you? I dont think its smart to do it.

No. 179538

How do I get over a fear of needles? I need a root canal and my insurance doesn’t cover sedation so I have to get a shot in my gums

No. 179664

You won't even see it happen anon, and out of sight - out of mind. Don't think of it, close your eyes and most likely you won't even feel it.

No. 179667

I also got the gum shot when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. It’s a lot less pain than you’re imagining, seriously. I’ve eaten Doritos that scratched my gums more than the needle (in terms of pain). Like the other anon said, imagine something else and close your eyes. You’ll barely feel it!

No. 179673

I've been in a similar situation. Knew a guy in my industry, he was really succesful and talented no doubt, could teach me a lot, but was extremely flirty even though I made it clear I wasn't interested. I turned down the offer of a working relationship. Honestly even if he never directly tried anything, the incessant flirting and having to constantly reiterate my boundaries was exhausting. I hate the thought of catering to and entertaining men's desire to fuck me for the sake of a personal goal. This isn't the 19th century anymore where we must rely on feminine wiles and dangling sex like bait to get somewhere in life. I was later able to study under another guy (married with kids, respectable, never made any passes) and learned even more than I would've with the first, so it worked out. If it was a one and done thing where you got something out of this scrote and never had to see him again that might be fine, but presumably you'd want to use his name/reputation for clout to build your own brand. Just think how wrong that would go for you if he decided to withdraw his support and tarnish your image because you turned him down after you put all the time and energy into studying under him. And don't diminish the mental toll of having to constantly fend him off.

No. 179708

How do I get over my serial cheating ex bf? He's fucking cheated on me with so many different girls/times, we just broke up and I don't know why I still want him back. Obviously I'm an idiot and need therapy but he's literally the only person I've ever been in love with and I've dated a lot of different guys, never fell for any of them.

I can't stop having anxiety over knowing he's probably seeing/messaging a ton of girls right now, and depressed as hell thinking I'll never find anything good ever or even feel happy again. I can barely work/function right now. I have no friends irl right now that I can hang out with, and I'm fucking stuck living with him until the end of the month. It feels like even getting up from my computer chair is about to throw me into a panic attack.

No. 179709

Oh fuck anon, I'm so sorry you're stuck with him. Been there also. You say you dont have anywhere to go but does he? Maybe he has a friend he could live with until the end of the month? Surely he can't be degenerate enough to not know he's the one who fucked up and owes you something - this something could be giving you space until you move out, since it's soon anyway.
I promise it will get easier once you stop seeing him on a daily basis. Not immediately but noticeably, and will get better every day. Hopefully you'll meet someone new to distract you too. Fingers crossed for you.

No. 179714

please please PLEASE tell me it does get easier?? Last time I went through a break up like this it took me over 3 years to get 'over' him.
I feel disgusted even thinking about other guys right now. My dumb ass wants him back.

As for friends… lol all his friends ditched him two years ago (totally unrelated to him being an asshole but I digress). We're kinda both alone on that part.

No. 179717

It does, I feel you so much though. You'll probably be tempted to stay in touch with him since like you've said you don't have any other friends nearby but you know the drill, block him everywhere, don't look up what he's up to, cease all contact, otherwise it will drag on forever. Do you have any low effort hobby or guilty pleasure movies / tv shows? These things work wonders on keeping your mind distracted and occupied and it will help you a lot in the beginning when you need it. But since he will be out of your life you won't need it for too long for sure. Finding someone better than him is such a low bar you'll definitely manage to do it, but first and foremost you'll see you don't need him to be happy, it's the opposite. Also it tends to be easier and faster to move on the older you are, you've been through a similar thing, took your mind 3 years to find a way but it did, and it's in your subconsciousness already, the process will be much smoother this time, even if in the beginning it hurts so much it feels impossible so stay hopeful

No. 179718

thank you so much for the kind words/advice. It gets a bit more complicated as we work in the same company, and also have our own company/start up… But you're right, the fact I'm alive from the first time I had a bad breakup like this means I probably won't kill myself this time around.

No. 179720

That's the spirit, you for sure will not! I see what you mean with complicated, if it was only working in the same company it would be easier but that startup will probably require you stay in contact after all. I'm sure you can work out some very specific boundaries for your communication and stick to them, pure business, nothing else

No. 179780

File: 1618568619267.gif (745.87 KB, 450x253, 1ePG.gif)

How do you cope with losing your last friend?

They ended up ghosting me, probably because they're legit busy but I saw it coming the second they were in a relationship. The gf seems really insecure and was pretty aggressive towards me despite doing my best to be polite. I don't feel like fighting eith someone over this because it doesn't feel like it's my fight or decision to make.

However now I'm alone. My only "family" were they and my father, but my father died last year. I'm stuck at home with my verbally and emotionally abusive mother and brother. Can't move out without a better job, can't get a better job without an education, can't even get a better education because again money. I can't even afford a car because I'm paying bills, food, stuff for home, pets etc and my emergency fund just wouldn't cover anything.

I'm fine with being lonely, have been prettt much my entire life but never to this extreme. I work alone in an office for 10 hours then once I'm home it's already laye so all I can do is do some chores, shower, eat, go to bed then repeat the whole thing from 4am. I also try not to talk too much to my current family because I just end up getting insulted.

I tried going out, messeging people, hanging out, going to events, hobbies etc etc etc but eh… nothing ever lasts for more than a month, if that. It seems like everyone is already paired up or in a group so no one wants an autist like me to hang around. Idk really.

No. 179797

Have any of you ladies been on the pill for heavy periods? I have very heavy periods, and it is something that has been suggested to me to help. I am not sexually active (or have been) but I am reluctant as I am scared to put on weight. Just wondered if any of you have been in the same situation?

No. 179800

File: 1618577573244.jpg (27.36 KB, 530x530, 1584933759506.jpg)

every time I drink I get really bad paranoia the next day, even if I've only had a few glasses of wine. I think this stems from me making a lot of drunken bad decisions that got me into trouble during a 6-month long mental health crisis/bender. I want to stop myself from feeling petrified that I've done something unsavoury/embarrassing but I don't want to be the only one not drinking because I can be quite socially anxious and stiff. is there any way to still drink socially without driving myself mad the next morning thinking that everyone who saw me tipsy now hates me?

No. 179801

I'm sexually active but heavy and long periods were the main reason I've started taking the pill, been on it for about 4-5 years now. I have no tendency to gain weight so I'm probably not the best example, but nothing like that happened to me. The only side effect I've observed was getting mild migraines when I'm on placebo pills for 4 days between packages, but considered how much more bearable they've made my periods it's still worth it. To have only 4 days of perfectly predictable period total and only one of them being on a heavier flow side improved my comfort of life so, so much. You can always stop taking the pill if you will observe side effects you don't like, but from my perspective it's worth a try.

No. 179802

Are you me? I have gone through this exact thing. I basically have limited my drinking to the point of stopping altogether. Pandemic helped, because I don't do much social interaction anymore. But I'm not 100% sober, on a special occasion or in a social gathering I will basically have just 1 glass of wine or a whiteclaw to take the edge off, and nurse it as long as I can. But I do understand the hesitation as you don't want to be the only person not getting drunk. My advice would be, go %100 sober and social interaction free for a few months. Then, when you come back, drinking only 1 drink in a night won't feel so hard to do (at least that worked for me).

No. 179809

That’s the exact situation I was in when I was 16. My doctor prescribed me a combination birth control pill. It did help with my periods by getting rid of my excruciating day one cramps, heavy bleeding, and taking my periods down from my usual length of 8 days (fml) to 3-4 days. I gained no weight, and the only side effect I noticed was that it cleared up my acne. But then at 17 I ended up in the ICU for a week with pulmonary embolisms and 98% of my arteries blocked. Had three top specialists at an Ivy League hospital tell me they didn’t understand how I was still alive. My only risk factor was the birth control. When I got out, a friend whose mom died years earlier and never shared the reason finally opened up to me about it. She died from the blood clots caused by her birth control. It’s more common than they let on because they don’t want to scare us. Be very careful if you go down this road, anon (and any anons reading taking anything with estrogen), and don’t ignore any shortness of breath!

No. 179842

anon I was like you like 5 years ago. I only had online friends my entire life and it was impossible to make friends where I lived (everyone here is very cliquey no matter what you do). But what helped me was finding a job with cool people and hanging out with them. It lead to me finding friends of theirs, and eventually became friends of friends. It's tough when you're older and everyone has their own little circles but it's not impossible. Just keep trying to hang out with them and if they keep being 'busy' just move on.

You also have to remember not all friendships are meant to last long. Some really do just last that year, some shorter, some longer. It doesn't mean they dislike you, it's just how it goes. No one's living their life thinking 'UGH ANON, I don't wanna hang out with them theyre so annoying', they're just self involved with their own issues, loneliness, drama, etc. Good luck <3

No. 179856

File: 1618600547270.png (436.84 KB, 405x461, spirit_animal.PNG)

Saged, cuz I browse /snow/pt too much.

Dear anons I need an advice. I thought I was too stupid, got an IT engineering degree, thought i was too fat, lost 40 kg (about 80 lbs for amerifags), broke engagement with an alcoholic ex, got a well paid job in my specialty, got a FBW (dont ask, i just need some action sometimes and its just physical between us), but nothing helps raising my self esteem. Both external and internal, I just don't feel confident at all.

So, dear /g/ anons, how does one start loving themselves as they are and become confident with at least of crumb of self esteem?

P.S. mid-twenties

No. 179859

everyone's different but for a lot of people their self esteem is based on their sense of 'progression' in life. That could mean anything from those proverbial goal posts we all have for ourselves (reaching a certain weight, or making a certain salary) or based on how at peace we are with the current moment/life.

It sounds like for you, you thought that reaching certain goals would help you get confidence but once you reached them it didn't change anything (or it did but not enough that you could notice yourself). You need to ask yourself is those goals are ones you set yourself, or ones 'society' persay told you would make you happy. I used to think the same way, until I realized that making a certain salary, having the body type I wanted etc, meant nothing because I was miserable and comparing my misery to everyone around me who was so much happier. It made me have 0 self worth and self confidence. I couldn't understand why I hated myself so much. The reason was because those goals weren't ones I 'set' myself. They were ones everyone expected of me. I had to have some major introspection and realized I had completely different goal I've always wanted to do. As I slowly chipped them away, I slowly gained confidence.

No. 180087

How do you stop crushing on a guy whose a total asshole? I’ve been bodyshamed by him quite a bit but he’s so hot that I just can’t bring myself to stop wanting him so I end up taking it out on myself.

No. 180088

Nta but fuck I'm scared now. I'm not even sexually active anymore. Should I just stop these pills until I'm actually having sex again? It's helped my acne tremendously but…

No. 180102

would you allow someone you care about to get treated like this? If not you should tell yourself the same things that you would if it was another person going through what you are
Time is something you'll never get back so don't waste it on trash who can't bother to show some basic decency

No. 180108

he doesn't care about you and you are still wasting your time and energy on him? why? just because he's hot? there are lots of hot guys out there who won't body-shame you. work on your self esteem and/or get some therapy. pick-me women like you disgust me. get a spine.

No. 180112

Does anyone have tips for finding out what your gut feeling is? I am talking to someone and it reminds me a lot of a negative experience I had. I want to cut contact. But now I think… He is so great, I shouldn't cut contact. But this is also what I thought then with the negative experience. I don't know what to feel anymore but I want to make the right decision. I want to protect myself without accidentally ruining innocent friendship. Please help me, I can give more details if necessary

No. 180137

What exactly reminds you of a negative experience from the past? Is it something you'd categorize as rational or irrational? For example, rational would be: bad person from the past used to make occasional offhand sexist remarks, and this person does it too. Irrational: bad person used to listen to rock music and this person does that too.
It's natural to want to protect yourself, but past experiences sometimes can make that need go far overboard out of fear. Gut feeling is important, but past traumas can mess it up. Maybe if you give more details more people would be able to see something familiar and advise you better.

No. 180267

I pull my hair out a lot. Like, debilitating a lot. 8 hours a day in a bad spell a lot. I'm getting help with my trichotillomania but i feel so goddamn delayed in everything because i spent so much time zoning out. A decade of severe episodes has left me bald and self conscious. I've tried wigs but they look so glossy? I dropped $400 on one just to donate it because i got overwhelmed and frustrated. That was after going to a trusted hairdresser to shape my wig.

I guess what I'm asking is… how do i salvage this? So much identity goes into hair that i didn't realize or at least take seriously.. I've limited myself from professional opportunities, romantic stuff. Things like swimming, enjoying windy days, meeting new people are joys long gone. "Just get over it and embrace bald" is what I'm trying for but it feels insincere. Plus i can't pull off bald. What can i be doing different?

And i hate to clarify but i feel it's necessary - been thru the usual run of things. Regular intake of NAC a decade ago made me terribly symptomatic. I have quite a few pull toys. I type words and sew and fuck around with piano to try and keep fingers busy.

Am i just doing this to myself? I seem to have ok coping mechanisms. But I'm still sporting the worst mullet of my life from a solid 8 month pulling spree. I hate it but i hate that my life is on hold more. "Just don't care about other opinions" feels easy but i also feel legitimately limited and held back by how forward my disorder presents itself. Like i can't move. Am i just comfortable with being uncomfortable? Please give it to me straight anons.

No. 180275

Get to the root of your issues. To have a chronic, self destructive habit, you've likely been traumatised in some way. You need to deal with that before anything else. When did you start pulling your hair? What major life events were happening at the time? What was your childhood like? Did you learn any healthy coping skills back then?

What triggers you to do it? What do you feel as you do it and when you're done? What are you gaining from it and what is it holding you back from? Is making yourself "ugly" actually purposeful so you have an excuse to isolate yourself and deny yourself opportunities?

Bad habits like overeating, skin picking, and hair pulling disappear as you work through your trauma. You will never fix your hair or your self image until you dig all the way deep and get to the really painful stuff. There's a reason you treat yourself so horribly, and whatever that reason may be, it's not your fault. I hope that with time and effort and patience that you learn to be kinder to yourself Nonita.
t. recovering dermatillomaniac

No. 180312

Surface-level advice, but have you tried taking biotin to hasten regrowth?

No. 180340

my mum is expecting me to work for free even though i have 2 jobs

So im studying for a PGCE which is a teacher training univeristy placement, and is basically like a full time job, which I think she probably doesnt understand. I also now have a Sunday job because i sont get paid to do the PGCE.

She is expecting me to work friday evenings, saturdays and sundays afer i finish my weekend job— that is literally ALL my free time. She says if I dont then my boyfriend cant come over. Even if he did come over what would be the point? He would just be watching me work for her?

i know i live with her for free and im an adult but idk how to tell her that i cant sacrifice my relationship and all my free time in exchange for that. If i rent somewhere i will have significantly less savings for a house deposit and house prices are rising so rapidly that i cant keep up.

considering asking my best friend who has a soare room in my city if i can live with her for a while, but it just feels like a big ask.

I know everyone has to pay rent etc i shouldnt be an exception but i dont want to blow any chances at actually moving out or it just becomes a catch 22.

No. 180446

File: 1618907927875.gif (124.21 KB, 330x280, LINE クリエイターズスタンプ - 動く歯、トゥースン…)

I had a tooth pulled yesterday and reading online it's normal to have pain in the extraction site for days afterwards. for me though, I've had absolutely no pain and not needed any pain meds. is this normal, does anyone know? is no pain a bad sign? I've googled but not really found any information on this.

I didn't want to bump the teeth thread so I thought I'd ask here.

No. 180475

toothache can stop if the infection spreads far enough to kill the nerves.

No. 180481

I had a lot of discomfort and pain in the tooth (which was damaged by tooth decay) before it was pulled though, my dentist didn't mention any infection either. just nothing more than a mild discomfort after the anesthesia wore off, nothing close to pain. I suppose I shouldn't worry about it

No. 180490

Don't worry about not feeling much pain anon. I had my wisdom teeth removed a few years ago and it barely hurt at all afterwards. I was expecting to be hit with the worst pain ever, but if anything, it was the swelling which was more annoying!

No. 180501

Seems normal! I had 3 teeth removed without any significant pain.

No. 180587

I think how much pain you experience depends on where the pulled teeth was. I heard upper teeth extractions hurt less

No. 180684

My boyfriend is ldr and he will kill himself and i will most likely do the same.
it was a fun time being on lolcow for years. im so fucking depressed and worthless ii cant do anything about it. Ive been crying all day

No. 180924

Men who threaten to kill themselves rarely follow through. He's manipulating you. Dump him.

No. 181104

I live with my mother whose relationship with me has been extremely poor growing up and never improved. What should I do when conflicts arise and throw me off balance?

I will have a normal day and I will be productive, until she says one such thing again or becomes so angry at me or just does something so small yet significant that it triggers this resentment and pain caused by our relationship and it makes me very disheveled and overwhelmed. It makes me require a lot of time to recover and return to what I was doing. It fills me with such strong emotion that I need to express but I can't and never could, so it just bubbles inside of me. I can't stand living with her and how it harms me from living healthily. I can't move out currently or in the near future. Please please give me some words of advice. She drives me crazy, all of it drives me crazy and I'm stuck here trying to assuage whatever is alighted when I have better things to do.

No. 181162

i have a very big problem. i downloaded tinder a month ago. just for fun tbh, but then i met a really kind and handsome man who likes me a lot. we went on 5 dates and i still haven't told him that i'm actually 3 years older than what i wrote in my bio (i'm 26, he thinks i'm 23. he's 25) he mentioned my age a few times, but i never corrected him, because i felt uncomfortable and didn't wanna ruin our dates. on the fifth date we cuddled and kissed and now i feel extremely guilty and anxious. what should i do? is it better to wait until we're in a proper relationship or should i tell him on the next date and risk losing him? i'm so scared of losing him, because i already developed feelings

No. 181165

You need to tell him, and the earlier the better. I would be severely weirded out if someone I just officially made my partner was all, “Whew well now that I’ve got you locked down, let me explain how I’ve been lying to you…” No no no. Trust ruined at that point. Just be upfront. “Hey I’m sorry I didn’t bring this up sooner, but tbh when I first joined this app I wasn’t taking it seriously so I fudged some information to protect myself. Since we’ve gotten to know each other better I wanted to correct that information.” It’s not like it was a massive deceit where you’re a decade older, it’s only 3 years and if he ghosts you over that he’s not the one. But also, keep your shit together. The only feelings you’re capable of feeling for this guy right now are hope, excitement and lust, hardly things to base a real relationship on. You don’t know the first thing about this man or if he’s an adequate partner yet, you’ve literally met him in person 5 times.

No. 181188


Hey anon, I'm currently living in the exact situation as you and I did some research around this area after a particularly bad incident with my mom. The core of your issue is that you connect your sense of self with your mother's approval. You yearn to earn the love you felt you are suppose to have (but you will never have), so when your mother fails to give you that you return back to the point where your trauma began. The cure for this is to dissociate yourself with a version of yourself that is palatable your mother's tastes. Keep your true self hidden away until you can escape from your mother.

Also, understand what exactly causes you break down like that you can mentally train yourself to keep it together and process that pain.

No. 181196

Why the fuck did you lie about your age in the first place?

No. 181281

because i wasn't looking for anything serious tbh and i was open to dating younger men

No. 181283

You don’t need to lie about your age to date younger men, believe me

No. 181299

You're like only one year older than him, wtf. You can easily date 5 years younger.

No. 181306

Anon wtf. You can still be liked by men 18 - 25, as if any of them would give a shit that you’re literally a couple of years older when they most likely have milf (or possibly even GILF) fantasies? I’m a 26 year old hag just like you and I still get liked by men as young as 18. The only thing that’s gonna put him off is that you’re a weird liar.

No. 181310

No. 181311

Tell him ASAP.

No. 181339

You should tell him now. If you wait until he's further invested I think he's likely to feel very betrayed by your lie.

No. 181360

Hello anon, thank you for your response. Personally, I would describe it purely as re-experiencing what I endured as a child. Freezing and shutting down is all I ever learned when confronted by her behaviour.

The advice you gave me is unfortunately what all adults have told me my entire life and what I loyally followed as a result. The issue is that my mother is unpredictable, inconsistent, hypocritical and illogical. There is nothing one can do to ensure she will not become angered and attack. The only thing I can imagine is to carry every burden imaginable and cease to be an individual. This is what I strove towards throughout childhood, which severely harmed me, with consequences I still suffer from today.

I already accepted that I will never receive motherly love and healthy treatment from her, I just need to know how to deal with it whenever she does do something upsetting, so that I don't freeze and dissociate. I am under so much stress and in such confrontational settings lately that the dissociation and following breakdowns occur multiple times a day. I don't bother anyone with it in real life, please do not worry! But it is urgent, hence my lengthy response. I am sorry if my text sounds very cold and dismissive. My aim is solely to be clear and forward, so I might seem disinterested. In reality, your message means a lot to me and I am grateful for your willingness to help.

What information could I give in return for more specific advice? I can't go on like this.

No. 181371

my boyfriend is extremely emotionally needy and clingy and its making me feel like an asshole when i communicate this to him and set boundaries. what do i do. i love him so much and dont want to lose him but he gets so hurt if i dont drop everything to comfort him when he gets upset and mopey about something

No. 181378

Nothing else you really can do, you can't fix his issues for him and to attempt as much would be unhealthy for both of you. Imo he could use therapy or even just a self help book that would help him manage his emotions better and stop being so dependent. You could suggest he look into getting support from a professional because you do care but can't take on the burden of playing that role yourself. I suppose you could also ask if there are smaller things you could do for him when he's feeling stressed that he would find supportive, but those would still have to be on your own timeline and dependent on what you're capable of providing at the time.

No. 181394

Do everything in your power to move out, that’s the only thing that will fix it

No. 181432

Honestly just not living together seems to be the only real solution. Alot of people have these types of dynamics where living with parents as an adult will never be peaceful. You don't have the power to change someone of that age. They're usually set in stone by that point.

Moving out and having that distance might mean you can keep it civil but as long as you're under her roof you're likely to be living under a similar dynamic to your childhood one. Put your energy into finding a way out.

No. 182096

How do you believe in yourself when nobody else around you does?

No. 182110

I believe in you.

No. 182115

I fucked up. Long term relationship with a live in partner. He has a lot of sexual trauma and I have my own mental illness. We love each other but I send nudes to someone else because we have such bad intimacy issues. He found out and I want to work things out but not if they go back to the same way.
I am scared. I'm just really codependent and I don't want to be anymore. Fidelity has never been an issue for me before

No. 182368

How do I work on my codependency and start being my own person? I just lost the person that I was obsessing over and living through and now I don’t know what to do. I am trying to get access to therapy again for my bpd and other issues but it’s very difficult in my country, so what can I do to sort out my dependence myself? I’ve fallen into a deep depression without him- I realised that I have no identity or life of my own without others and I want to be able to feel content alone. Got any advice for my nonas?

No. 182377

Hey I'm the anon from the first post. I went ahead and bought 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie. Workbooks and stuff (though I'm terrible at following through) helped me feel like my problems weren't so tragically unique and there's logic/methods to help. That's what I did to get into therapy, so I'm hoping this will help me move on. I really don't want to fuck someone else up, or myself up anymore.

No. 182381

How can I overcome body dysmoprhia? I spend hours body checking in the mirror, I often don’t leave the house for days because of how repulsive and subhuman I look. I can’t keep living like this, I waste so many hours of the day crying or freaking out over how gross I am. I can’t afford therapy at the moment but are there any books or general habits I can look into?

No. 182427

I had BDD for decades and don't have it anymore. Therapy played a part and would recommend you try to save up for at least few months worth if possible. YMMV but some easy habits that helped me:
>When stuck in front of the mirror being shitty to yourself, ask yourself if you would have the same visceral reaction to someone else with the same feature that's bothering you (sometimes it helps to look up pictures, but don't obsess over trying to find your twin or comparing the rest of yourself to randoms, focus on the task at hand). If no (spoiler: it is always no) tell yourself that you're being an unfair bitch, then give yourself a genuine compliment. If it helps, pretend that the person in the mirror is not you, they're your friend and they're having a really hard time and you want to tell them something nice and genuine to make them feel good about themselves. If you literally can't pick a single physical feature even your fingers or eyebrows or whatever, then compliment your personality or achievements or style or whatever you can come up with but be fucking genuine don't lie hoping you'll eventually believe it.
>Any time you're feeling good about any of your physical features when looking in the mirror (or frankly any time you're feeling good about yourself in regards to anything), no matter how small or stupid, compliment yourself. Say it out loud if you can. As retarded as it sounds and feels at first, this really does help build self esteem if you keep doing this, and maintaining good self esteem can help you pull yourself out of an episode.
>Stop taking selfies until you're in a really good place mentally. If other people take pictures with you, don't look at those pictures until you're in a really good place mentally.
>Learn a new skill, read a book, or do some creative expression of some kind. Not only does it serve as a good distraction, but when it comes time to compliment yourself if you can't come up with anything physical you can always default to having learned something or having made time to hone your hobby or skill.
>Take care of yourself, exercise, stay on top of your hygiene, keep your home clean and organized. You are more likely to feel better when you and your space are clean and comfortable.

No. 182474

That's a good start anon, I read Codependent No More as well. It was okay, there's a big focus on partners of alcoholics since that was what it was originally developed for but still some good concepts to take away in a general sense. Some other good ones for BPD are The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay and The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Daniel Fox. The latter also has some good YT videos on BPD and the things it requires you to deal with. Attached vid is a good one in case you want to watch some to learn more about yourself. I also think CBT is helpful to build up a better self concept and determine what's important to you. I liked Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques, also by McKay.

Aside from throwing a lot of resources at you, I recommend trying different activities and hobbies. See what you like and you might find that you start enjoying things in the moment and forget about your worries for a while and draw happiness from it. If you can take a couple classes for something (painting, pottery, dance, exercise, rock climbing, cooking, etc) then that's cool, but you can also do free stuff like walking in a park, taking pictures of things, read a book, do a yoga or exercise routine on Youtube. When you feel yourself spiraling try to replace it with something healthier, even if it's as simple as cleaning your room or sitting outside.

No. 182510

This might sound like a silly question, but how do I interact with people older than I am? I am not young, in my late 20s, but somehow still feel like a child around people who are 40+. At work, it’s difficult to socialize without falling into that subservient (?) role, rather than equal peers. Many of my friends regularly have dinner with and go drinking with “older adults”, and I’m not sure how they do it. Maybe it’s because I don’t have children or real life experiences that I feel like I can’t properly connect? Or that I’m emotionally stunted from years of trauma and abuse? Can somebody shake me and tell me how stupid I’m being?

No. 182536

How often is ok to do anorectal violence without real damage? I love it but it makes me bleed every time

No. 182598

Try to remember that people are still people at every age. A lot of the time middle-aged to older people feel just as overwhelmed and confused by life even though they have more experience. We all go through similar struggles and we all (for the most part) maintain hobbies and goofy interests regardless of age. I have a friend ~30 yrs my senior who was my college professor, he's a genius in his field and can come across very intimidating, but he also likes shitty horror movies and superfluous tech gadgets. Obviously the most direct way to start breaking down your image of older folks as aliens would be to start interacting with them more. I imagine if you're working with them you can ask what they did over the weekend? Try to share more of yourself in a casual way as well, what you've been up to and enjoy, rather than maintaining the businesslike atmosphere. You might find you have more you can relate to than you expect and can develop deeper friendships if you click.

No. 182684

I'm not sure if it's depression or not, but I spend most of my time online. No social media, just articles and boards like this one, but I still feel unproductive. My time online is 3-4 1/2 hours a day and the rest of my day is just in-my-head walking around the house. I have never been able to focus worth a shit. I struggled through school despite being decently intelligent with high scores on tests, and I have no hobbies even though I pick up on some things easily. My brain just short circuits. I've read ADHD might be possible, though I don't have most of its symptoms.

I also have absolutely no motivation in life. Everything, and I mean everything, does not shed a single ounce of joy. I've "dopamine detoxed" with limited or no internet, I rarely listen to music to begin with, I eat fairly healthy. I still can't seem to get that spark for anything. I've been in a few dangerous situations, and aside from mildly raised heart-rate, nothing.

No. 182695

What have you found to be the best way to learn a language? I'd be willing to shell out some cash, but I don't know how well I'd learn from a course since I'm not a great student.

No. 182706

Everyone learns differently so you have to find out what the best way to learn is for you specifically. How do you retain the most information? Through reading or listening, maybe taking notes? Whatever works for you, stick to it. Try to study every day for at least 30 minutes. Make it a habit.
Consume media in your target language, try to immerse yourself in it. Make friends with natives.

No. 182771

i posted this in the vent thread but putting it here too
my roommate's ex is over right now. the ex is literally insane, has tried killing my roommate multiple times and is physically abusive. my roommate showed me the scars she's given her. my roommate went no contact for 3ish weeks even though the ex has been texting them from a million different numbers. my roommate goes 1 week without therapy and invited the ex over. she's broken into our house about 3 times, also, and is afraid of me and my girlfriend because we yelled at her at a bar when she tried apologizing, so my roommate asked me if my gf was over bc she knows my gf would do something. my gf is at her parents house but i'm deciding with her if she should come over bc i feel unsafe, but on the flip side it could make it worse for my roommate

i don't know what to do right now because im scared to say the ex isn't allowed over because it could backfire onto my roommate in numerous ways. im not comfortable at all and am worried for the safety of my roommate and myself

No. 182861

File: 1619877343586.png (294.63 KB, 491x460, 6767ea39-73b4-49c8-b187-9a2318…)

Anons, what would you do with the gaming accounts of a loved one who passed away? No credit card info attached.

It's been half a year since my dad passed away and I'm not sure what to do with some of his mmo accounts. I told his clan he passed away but he also has an ESO account with a lot of characters and idk if I should just leave it alone or contact customer support to deactivate/delete it. I'm a bit paranoid someone might hack it due to inactivity or something. But it feels bad to touch them at all

No. 182918

honestly, sell em

No. 182933

anon what the fuck?

No. 182935

Personally I'd leave them be out of convenience but if you just want peace of mind, deleting them seems like a good option, or maybe pass them on to a family member/friend who games. I'm sorry for your loss <3

No. 183147

I can't stop self-harming. I don't cut or hit myself, but I am trying to live healthier. But my hatred for myself overpowers me and I stock up on junk food like chocolate and cookies and eat it all whilst hiding in my room. I want to put effort into myself and love myself but I don't know how. I want to believe I can do things, I want to have faith in myself and I want to stop hurting myself. Another thing is that I exercise, at least try to. I also feel that this is a good replacement because it hurts. Unfortunately I dissociate often when I have to exercise because my self-hatred overwhelms me and I know its good for me. I try to exercise then too but I struggle to just use my body normally then. I can't stop doing things that are bad for me. It is not just habitual. I will be doing good for a few days, barely hanging on, trying so hard, and the self-hatred washes over me again and I start stuffing myself with food until it hurts and numbing myself etc etc etc i just want to stop this lol… i really want to stop this self-harm

No. 183187

Putting overeating and cutting in the same category is the most autistic shit i read today.

No. 183196

I don't mean it that way, and binge-eating is disordered. I used to cut but stopped because it only got me into trouble as a teen. Anyway, it was only an example. My self-harm shifted to less noticeable actions, such as eating until my stomach ached, and specifically unhealthy foods so it would make me sick and unable to do things that help me further in life. It is just a form of self-sabotage.

No. 183199

Advice on last minute cramming? I usually plan my time better so I’m so crap at it but I need to power through a shit load of material for one of my finals in a couple days

No. 183201

Get started and do what you have to do, there's not much to it. Keep healthy snacks around, take regular breaks and don't get too comfortable.

No. 183202

The comfortable thing is probably the hardest… I can only study in my room right now which is rife with comfort stuff. This is good advice though, I think it’ll work for me

No. 183253


Not sure why other anon decided to pretend like there isn't a wide range of self harm behaviors.

It sounds like you've already made a pretty significant amount of progress in fighting the self-loathing, even if you still have bad days. It can take a really long time to uproot those patterns of thinking and I think it would help fight it even more if you started to consciously acknowledge that progress. Write it down if you need to, leave written reminders to do it if you need to– for feelings that are easy to lose in the heat of the moment, it's good to give them a concrete form that you can push yourself to interact with. It can feel like self-love is supposed to be this huge epiphany, and maybe it is for some people, but just as often I think it's a gradual process of reframing your perspective to focus on the positives by challenging every self-sabotage urge head on and allowing yourself to feel good about doing that. At the same time it's really important to not feed into that self-loathing when you do slip up– acknowledge that you hurt yourself but accept that you can't change what's already happened and that it has no bearing on your ability to keep improving.

Something that might also help, if you think you can handle doing it, would be to type or write out what things drive the self-loathing so you can then write out a rebuttal to it. Fear of change, feeling of inevitable failure, not feeling valuable enough to improve, etc– these are all flawed and self-fulfilling ways of thinking, and they deserve being called out and torn apart so they can't hide behind some broad and overwhelming sense of self-hatred. If you haven't already you should look into CBT worksheets or methods online, they're all about restructuring negative patterns of thinking. Self-compassion, positive affirmations, and mindfulness might be good keywords. Don't give up, anon.

No. 183323

Plan out your studying in blocks. 30mins this section, 30mins that one, a 15min break, etc etc
Put on some “doin’ stuff” music. Go somewhere like to a cafe or a park.

No. 183555

How do I go about learning to make friends with women? Saged for autism.

My mother was a total riot and now that I'm 2 years into no-contact I have time to reflect on how our relationship and dynamic has affected me throughout my life. I realized that I really struggle with being comfortable around women enough to feel like girlfriends (using this term platonically)and it really bothers me that I don't have these kinds of connections in my life because they feel really important now more than ever. Pretty much my entire friendgroup is men and I was raised by my father and 3 brothers. Everything about men feels more comfortable but the older I get the more I realize that my reality is not the socialized norm – I've had a lot of struggles with men believing I was flirting/coming on to them when I was simply pursuing a friendship. (Please assume I have a healthy understanding of boundaries and was not crossing any lines with taken men, or putting off "signals" and walking back from them. I'm talking typical run-of-the-mill friendliness and interest that otherwise wouldn't be looked at differently by same sex friendships.)

I guess I'm asking a few things, actually.

What do I need to do to help me feel comfortable? I feel like an alien wanting to pursue friendships with women because I've never really had that in my life.

And how do I navigate pursuing friendships with men without otherwise setting off their "maybe she likes me" detectors? I figured my reputation of being open, enthusiastic, and involved would precede any assumptions but that really isn't the case. Should I just pull back altogether?

Thanks nonnies.

No. 183726

any advice on living with someone you hate? and roommate meetings lol. my roommate wants us 3 to have one. she blames everything on me and i feel like i'm just gonna bow down to her even though i have every reason to go off on her. i just want things to remain cordial as to not be uncomfortable in this house

No. 183728

Don't show up to any such meetings. No one plans one of those for anything but a dump session. Just pay your rent and clean your space and wtf are they going to do? Unless they're crazy enough to fuck with your stuff but that's a different basket of biscuits. Just keep being out/busy so you cant do it and theyll get distracted and stop trying eventually…something else will come up in their life and theyll forget about you. If I was living with people I hate I'd be "busy" in panera all day anyway.

No. 183741

I totally agree with >>183735 about men's attitudes (99% of them will assume you might be romantically interested no matter what you do) and was with her until the "tru femininity" moment. There is no right way to be a woman and you shouldn't have to change your personality to be liked unless you're standoffish and rude, which I doubt. It's understandable you've unintentionally conflated the relationship you had with your mom with other women's attitudes. My best suggestion is to get more involved with women and familiarize yourself with interactions that don't involve the stress of making friends right away, so preferably by finding female-only groups you may enjoy. Look for classes, women's meet ups, book clubs, etc.

You'll start to see the wide array of women out there and notice they're humans just like men (in fact far more so lol) plus you can then turn casual acquaintances into friends. Also, I recommend consuming more women-centric and women-made media. Not to accuse you of any fault, but just by virtue of your upbringing you very likely internalized a bit of an nlog attitude. I know consciously engaging with other women's thoughts and seeing how brilliant and more interesting they were than men helped me when I had primarily been engaged in male-dominated activities growing up.

No. 183744

File: 1620234963760.gif (3.65 MB, 400x400, 1598641830748.gif)

Don't give up, anon. I was the same way until I realized I would never connect with men on a deeper level without it getting weird. For a while it felt like I was grieving from the revelation but then I pulled myself into my big girl pants and tried. Women are more than judgmental gossipy bitches, and the more I dive myself into hanging out with women the more I realize men can be just as gossipy and judgmental.

Pursuing relationships with women take time, unlike with men where surface-level friendships are almost instant. Listen, ask them about their day, empathize with and wish them well on things they're anxious about, follow them on instagram or some other shit, share your interests. After a while, extend invitations during a conversation. Maybe they're complaining about their bras. "Want go bra-shopping with me?" Work is kicking their ass. "Let's go drinking after work."

You'd be surprised how easily you'd gain female friends once you try. As for male friends, you should pull back but don't give up altogether. It's possible to have male friends and you should enjoy that, but remember that no matter what you do you'll eventually get crushed on, and it's important that you then place boundaries ("sorry, I just want to be friends") and stick to your guns even if they drop off the face of the earth.

Female friendships are vastly superior anyway, kek

No. 183745

this kind of shit is why fakebois exist

No. 183746

"Women's media" is a cancer. You will never be happy until the day you day if you fold to this "female empowerment" nonsense Anon. Women need men.

No. 183747

What's so difficult about learning to be feminine? Read your Bible Anon

No. 183749

Ew you're either a pickme or straight up scrote

No. 183751

My thoughts.

No. 183752

>develop your femininity as a woman
I'm genuinely confused, what does ~developing your femininity~ even mean? Like, in concrete terms? In my eyes women have femininity by default just for existing as women, being a woman. I and other women around me didn't have to take deliberate actions to "develop" that.

No. 183756

i kinda have to do this. she's freaking out and scrambling and lying about shit behind my bac bc she feels attacked by me asking her to clean up ONE thing. i just need to get the point across that i'm not tolerating her, her responsibilities, her emotions, the blame she shifts onto me, etc. i want her to be as uncomfortable or even more uncomfortable as i am in this house

No. 183757


i also want to squash this feeling of anxiety levels skyrocketing when i hear her around the house which i can only do by prioritizing my feelings and communicating them

No. 183801

Just like the true meaning of masculinity has been subverted to mean patchy soy beards and how many women you have sleep with, the meaning femininity had has also been destroyed. Having a penis is not what makes you a man or masculine, having a vagina does not make you automatically feminine or a woman. Even children and old people have the parts, but old woman are typically not very feminine and young boys are typically not very masculine or imposing.

Here's something interesting to ponder; boys start out somewhat feminine and most times a man's peak masculinity (though not always pure attractiveness) is in his old age. Not giving a fuck and giving a fuck about doing the duty to those you love is the true essence of masculinity. This can also be used to describe the biological side of the inverse Sexual Marketplace Value of men and women.

Girls on the other-hand start out very feminine, unassuming, and unembittered by life. Softness is valued in a woman in nature. This is not a modern standard, but one evident though advanced cultures throughout the West and East for thousands of years. In their old age, most women (like men) become coarse, independent, and no longer signal to men that they need them. Though they are frail and in need of protection, this dampens the natural male instinct to protect and provide for a woman. As stated above, this is an attitude that is most similar to the way some women feel about children and is not conditioned but evolutionarily advantageous and natural for the survival of our species.

To answer your question, being purely feminine is to complement the perfect masculine energy of a perfectly masculine man. The sexes are a Yin and Yang, the Moon and the Sun etc. You need to awaken the natural instincts of men and get in touch with your own while recognizing shills and propaganda for what it is, a tool to prevent this perfect union.

I hope this helps. It really hurts me to see incel-like attitudes from either sex. Trauma can really hurt people for the rest of their lives, the solution is to move on and love one another.

No. 183802

what even is this lol

No. 183803

old fart cope pasta?

No. 183804

>In their old age, most women (like men) become coarse, independent, and no longer signal to men that they need them. Though they are frail and in need of protection, this dampens the natural male instinct to protect and provide for a woman.

Actually through evolution women developed a menopause so older women would be able to help with their offsprings offspring. Men don't have a menopause because nature decided they're good for sperm and aggression and that men would kill each other rendering a menopause inconsequential for men cause they're not expected to actually live that long as an elder.

No. 183805

Matthew 7:6 KJV
“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

No. 183806

File: 1620248521473.png (739.27 KB, 619x566, 4732987589436759843.png)

Nah you got it all wrong

No. 183807

That's a great representation of how far off the mark we are

No. 183808

fantastic image. Came here from the front page. Just beautiful.

No. 183872


Thank you thank you! You're right, just gotta put on the big girl pants. I think it's the time and effort that really gets to me, as I'm a very inconsistent person when it comes to my depression. I think that's one thing that makes me nervous around women– so much more is looked into if that makes sense? There's a lot more attention to detail and inconsistencies don't vibe w that. But thank you for your suggestions, these are really very helpful ! I will try to get into regular contact and try to build from there.

Also, sorry about starting a conversation about femininity and masculinity. I'm not so much awkward and unable to function around women from biases like "they're gossipy" or "emotional" or w/e. It's just something that has always been sort of a discomfort to me which I only just now became aware of as to why. I don't attach too much importance to femininity or masculinity, that shit is a spectrum yadda yadda, just that I've noticed I'm super awkward around women in general. Anyway thanks for the advice!!

No. 184024

How do I deal with someone with large amounts of anxiety or whatever to the point they behave irrationally?
She is in college and missed a deadline on a final project due a mistake on her end, basically sending her into a failing grade. She then emailed the professor explaining the mistake, realizing that he would probably say "tough shit, see you next semester".
She told me that the professor responded to her email, but she was too afraid to read the response, so she'll just register to retake the class and won't read the response until like a month later or something.
I first I thought she was over-exaggerating but this girl is deadass not even reading the response because "it's just going to say no". I mean, personally I would also be surprised if the answer isn't no, but miracles do happen and she already sent the email so why not read the response? If it were me I would use all options at my disposal before giving up?
But I need advice because it's actually affecting our friendship since I told her to just read the fucking email and now she is mad that I can't let it go. Should I just drop it or should I let her sabotage herself like this?

No. 184036

you've gotta drop it, there's no way you're going to convince her to do it, she already knows it's irrational, this isn't the kind of thing she can be coaxed or encouraged into

by pushing her on it you're just telling her that you find her response unacceptable and that you're personally annoyed by it. look, it's obviously very unfortunate and she's sabotaging herself and needs help. but constantly reminding her of this failure and that you think she's being retarded is a waste of time

No. 184064

My sweet dog passed away today and I feel so guilty that I wasn't there to say goodbye, she was 14 and I had her since I was 10. I never dealt with losing a pet like this before how can I get over this I am so depressed..

No. 184069

File: 1620363958414.jpg (12.63 KB, 275x275, 1615110704337.jpg)

Anons, I've been taking an extended vacation from work for the sake of reclaiming my time for myself and to do what I want… I've done a few things but the things I've considered most important (researching Amazon FBA, looking into what it takes to launch a business, investing and looking past my crypto fears)…I haven't done. Instead, I keep finding myself mindlessly browsing on my phone, waiting for some stupid scrote to give me the time of day (yes, I know, pathetic), lamenting on past relationships, and just being a lazy sack of shit. I'm not really looking for any specific advice, but someone give me some sort of guidance because I feel lost.

No. 184095

Limit time on each social app to a little bit in the morning and a little bit at night, go put your phone somewhere you won't think about it and do some nice things for yourself. Listen to a podcast and cook a cute meal, spend some time doing your hobbies, play a game you've bought but never started or go for a walk each day. I get the exact same way when I have time off, just having some semblance of a schedule and doing nice things for yourself will help.

No. 184097

For as long as I've had my anxiety problem, avoidence has been my main cope. So I get where she's coming from to an extent. You learn that you have to pick and choose which things are better to face. This sounds like it needs facing but like you said it's clearly irritational.

At my worst I've still been receptive and appreciative if someone will basically just hold my hand through that stuff. Be present or open stressful letters to break the news to me. Short of offering that you can't do more for her. Those issues are usually deep set. You're of course within your right to pull back from her if she's actually affecting you with this behaviour but seeing as it's her own thing and not some group project it might be best to just let her be on this.

No. 184131

File: 1620392594276.jpg (1.13 MB, 4032x3024, download.jpg)

How do I accept the fact that I will never have what I want? My goals are small but very specific, I know that most people would tell me to focus on the bigger picture but these "small" things (or the lack of them) have a massive impact on my life, at least subjectively.

No. 184132

Lol life is much bigger than your wants. You don't even know all your possible wants. Sounds like you're deliberately limiting yourself as you're scared of the scale of things outside your cozy little worldslice.

No. 184133

Samefag, the "woe is me, I tried only one thing and it didn't work, it's all over" is always cope.

No. 184136

If these goals are small why cant you achieve them?

No. 184138

I'm sorry but how is this advice?
Because I'm in a really bad situation and what I can do is very limited?

What the fuck is wrong with you

No. 184139

Also, it's not about "life" in general, it's about MY life and MY wants are what we are talking about here.

No. 184140

Anon is just asking for details what the fuck is wrong with you

No. 184141

She was sarcastic. Fuck off.

No. 184142

Don't ask for advice if you can't reply in a civil manner asshole

No. 184144

I think there's more you need to work on than just reaching small goals…

No. 184162

LOL i asked because maybe if you shared what your goals are we could give you more specific advice but it's not needed now, it's pretty clear your attitude in life will keep you from succeeding no matter how achieveable things are.

No. 184186

Not really good at making new friends
Kinda afraid my current friendships are falling apart

Should I resign myself to having a bunch of casual discord friends or should I put more effort in to finding life long friends?

No. 184187

I think meaningful irl friends and social interactions add a lot of value to your life so I'd put in the effort to find irl friends.

No. 184189

I'm sorry anon, please don't feel guilty. I know being there at the end was likely important for you, understandably, but your dog didn't know what was going on beyond the fact that a nice vet and whoever else were there fussing over her. If she was being put down then clearly her quality of life was no longer ideal so she's now out of pain, and you were there for her all those days before that point, giving her happiness, companionship and comfort. That's what really matters, not just being there for one moment.

No. 184192

File: 1620418579262.jpg (387.84 KB, 708x2870, cd49ee5d52c13974b0b30f15511908…)

I'm sorry anon. I immediately thought of pic related, I love that post so much

No. 184197

I feel like I'm trapped in a loop I can't get out of, procrastinating everything I want to do in life out of fear and wanting to minmax everything yet doing nothing.

Every day I wake up, my head fills with the knowledge that I want to play my piano or practice my art, but then gets interrupted by the thought that I have to work first.
So I do, wasting the entire day chipping at the small amount of work I actually have to do every week, taking several days for what could be done in a single 4-5 hour session.
2-3 days go by.
I finally finish my weekly workload, and it's now time to play my piano and practice my art.
Wait no, I have to exercise, it's important to exercise 3 times a week.
So I do.
I do my routine, clean up, give myself a pat on the back.
Man that sure was tiring I sure deserve to rest now.
Another day goes by just browsing imageboards.
Oh well maybe tomorrow then ahah.
"Tomorrow" comes and maybe I'm feeling sick, maybe a friend calls and I gotta be out, literally anything happens and takes my time away, making me feel like my day was already "used" for that even if that inconveniency lasted only a couple hours.

On those extremely rare days I actually do practice music or art, I can start the trickle of happiness starting, I feel the satisfaction of finally doing what I wanted to…until I hit a snag, be it a chord I can't analyse, or a section I can't get down, or a brush setting I can't quite find, literally anything, and it makes me quit on the spot.
And back to idling on imageboards we go, that small bud of happiness I was feeling at finally getting out of the slump rotting into a feeling of guilt towards not even managing to stick with it.

I hate this, I hate every single day I spend like this, yet I have no idea what to do.
I feel like I'm turning everything I love into a chore, things that are supposed to be what I love and do in my spare time instead turning into a looming responsibility, something that I need free time to recover from even though it's supposed to be what my free time is for.

I wish I could even say I'm going insane about it, but it's even worse.
It's like I'm shutting down, even the negativity and tears I once shed about this are fading into pure apathy, like soon I'm going to become a pure automaton, just keeping myself financially stable and physically fit for no purpose whatsoever.

I don't know what to do.

No. 184234

Organizing objectives into weeks instead of days helped me with this sort of over-scheduled situation. For example, you could hit fitness goals one week, then pause workouts and spend the next week on an artistic goal. My old physical therapist always used to tell me that fitness is a lifetime commitment rather than a day-to-day obligation.

No. 184293

tl:dr How do I get over someone I had to break up with for practical reasons when we still love each other and he’s also kinda the only friend I have?

I kinda broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years at the beginning of this year. ‘Kinda’ because it’s really hard for both of us to actually let go.

We’ve both been each other’s first real LTR and we both can’t really let go off having each other in our future lives. On top of all this he’s really the only and best friend I have.
He does have other friends, but none of them really has shared interests etc to the extent that I have and it’s the same for me. We are on the same page on so many things and just understand each other like no one else in our lives does.
We’re both chronically ill and we’ve grown to know each other’s bodies and signals etc to point of not even needing words.
The thought of getting to know someone new and having to start from scratch terrifies me.

I mean, I don’t think it would be as bad if I at least had the chance to meet new people. But due to being chronically ill and the pandemic it’s near impossible to not be by myself 24/7. I can only meet people online and it’s just not the same.
I’m extremely lonely without him and I miss him.

Since I do realize this probably raises the question as to why we broke up in the first place:
We kind of drifted apart in terms of our plans for the future. We met when he was equally sick as me, but he got a lot better over the years so now he’s way more active than I can be. He loves to be outside, go hiking, go biking etc. And those are all things I can’t do and I don’t know if I ever can do those things. It’s getting frustrating for him because he wants to do things with me, share all those impressions with me - just live life with me. And it’s getting frustrating for me because it makes me feel bad for not being able to do these things with him. He also wants to live in a very rural area while I don’t feel comfortable with that at all.
He also got a job 4hrs away from where we live and I can’t move that far away for several reasons.
So it’s just … not working out in the long run. Which is hard because as I’ve said, we do love each other and we don’t really want to break up. But it’s for the better.
But again, it just hurts so much to be so lonely. I don’t really know what to do.

No. 184348

You don’t want to hear this but the best and only thing you can do to get over him is to cut off contact. You will be lonely but you’re already lonely now. Then your life will go on and it will hurt less and in time you will love again. One day you might be able to be friends with him but not right now.

No. 184352

Co-signing what >>184348 said about cutting off contact. Not the same situation as yours, but I was in a similar situation where external factors (international LDR, COVID restricting travel, different points in our careers, etc.) lead to the dissolution of my most recent relationship almost a year ago. It fucking sucked… a lot. We both still had heavy feelings for each other, but our circumstances were unforgiving. I went strict no contact immediately post-break up & I was torn up about it for some time, but eventually you learn to cope and open your heart again to new people. No contact is key. Block if you have to, don’t be ashamed or shy about protecting your peace of mind. Don’t hold on to false hope either. If your paths cross again, then they cross again. And if they don’t, then they don’t. You’ll be okay, I promise!

No. 184355

Thank you both for your input, I appreciate it. I decided to just let it go… I mean at the end of the day it is not impacting me and it is her own battle and she doesn't want to talk about it then I shouldn't try to force a conversation.

No. 184389

Anyone get migraines? Are they triggered by light? I just started working in an ice cream parlour, I really like it but it is small, lack of windows, bright lights. I don’t get migraines but after working there 3 hours I had an awful one. By the end of my shift I was feeling sick, and then I was sick out of the window OTW home. I felt terrible. Is this due to the light? I will probably bring sunglasses the next time I go in just in case. I wasn’t stressed or anything. I drank lots of water and didn’t eat anything there, wore a mask, brought my own water and didn’t drink there’s…I’m always relaxed and confident when starting new jobs so it’s not anxiety or stress….

No. 184440

You should try blue light glasses, they make them so they look like regular eye glasses. I had to get them when I was working outside and 8 hours of sun would make my head hurt and start to form spots in my vision

No. 185477

File: 1620922844703.jpg (46.57 KB, 640x632, angy.jpg)

anons how do I deal with having a roommate who also has past food issues when I myself suffer from disordered eating? my eating has gotten worse lately and I feel anxious preparing food in front of her in case she notices I'm eating way less than her, she's the type to get triggered by that stuff even though she talks about her "ED" constantly (it's disordered eating behaviour at worst - I've only ever seen her eat very substantially and she is a very healthy weight). it makes me feel super uncomfortable when she discusses it because she acts like she is the only person to ever have any issues with food and brings up her "ED" at really inappropriate moments like when we have friends round. it is SO uncomfortable for me but I don't want to be super insensitive, or trigger her with my own food problems etc. how do I handle this? do I just eat and prepare food alone forever?

No. 185487

Tell her to shut the fuck up. And get a therapist.

No. 185493


No. 185494

I have an ED too and let me tell you that living with other ED people is a constant nightmare. Without fail they try to fucking compete with me for no fucking reason. Even if it doesnt start like that, that is what it'll become, and it's the worst thing ever because someone inevitably ends up triggered to hell and back.

Best thing is honesty. Speak ED to ED and let her know she is making you uncomfortable. It doesn't have to be "bitch shut your non eating mouth up you're making me uncomfy", she has an ED to and will likely understand how you feel (but maybe let her know that you're still open to talk if she needs advice/venting about eating disorder stuff)

No. 185594

What should I do if my family loves me, but at the same time they think of me as a failure because they constantly compare me to other, more successful people my age who achieved more than me? It's so annoying

No. 185597

Whenever they do that, tell them the phrase "what matters most is that I am happy, and I am" every single time. Have them see that is your priority and goal, not impressing someone.

No. 185606

The problem is that a part of me believes them (I guess I internalized it) which gives me anxiety and I cannot, from my heart say that I am happy, it would sound fake

No. 185608

Oh shit, that's a much bigger problem.

No. 185610

Sorry for the one-liner answer, I just recognize when things go beyond my scope, and this went there. I'd recommend a therapist.

No. 185622

I'm going to, but only in July could they give me an appointment, so I guess I just gotta hang in there until then. Thank you!

No. 185869

I have a cousin who lived with my parents before I was born so she is practically has older sibling status. Despite being a 24 yrs old she acts like a preteen with an attitude problem and seems to be a bordeline narc. She is rude and lazy,doesnt clean up after herself and gets other people to do it but expects us to clean our messes with out her help, she also projects her jealousy and insecurities on me whenever I do things like buying myself a hamster and her comparing it to her just bringing home a baby she found or trying to give me lectures over small mistakes Ive made that can be easily handled if she stfu. Its extremely annoying when she tries to give "advice" which is just her way of trying to show off how much more life experieance she has despite the fact that she has never lived on her own and lives rent free with us and has no real intentions to move out, my dad is the one who basically hands her a new car when she needs one and is the one to fix it when a problem arises but she never thanks him because she feels entitled to his hardwork, the job she has now is only thanks to my mother who was her only real connection to it and because my cousin couldnt even do her own job searching, never had a romantic partner but feels as if she's a relationship guru whenever me or my siblings bring over our bfs/gfs. She gets offended if I tell her that her "advice and help" is not needed and tries to prove me wrong about that by constantly pushing out how since she is giving the advice we should be grateful and just take it. Recently, I had a convo between me and my grandma that basically involved only me and her. Later, my cousin comes and she tries to ask me what I was talking about and I refused to tell her because it doesnt involve her. Then she tries to give me some of her bullshit advice so I told her that "while she may not agree with me, her "advice", while appreciated(NOT!), is not helpful in anyway" to which she basically responds with, "Well you might not agree with ME but… I think that if you dont want me to assume things about you I should get to pry into your business." I was kinda pissed but this is very standard of her. I seem to be the only peson she does this to. My brother brushes her off and she leaves him alone most times but when I try to do the same she just cant seem to shut the fuck up and has to show me how she is better than me. I also refuse to help her out finacially or any work that isnt house cleaning because the last few times I refused she basically threatened me that she will never help me with anything in the future and that I will later get whats coming to me. What kinda psycho does that? Im not bothered by her narc tendencies too much other than the fact that its so FUCKING annoying like damn… but yeah I just really need some help cause Im turning 20 in a few months so Im moving out and I dont want my younger sister or brother becoming her new victim.

No. 185927

I need some cat advice anons.

I saw a stray cat that hangs out around the neighborhood. He's pretty cuddly and I think his family abandoned him. Last time I had seen him he had a cat fight wound and it was healing. I saw him today and as he walked beside me we came across another cat, I did try to grab him but it was an intense situation and a fight had happened. His wound is so bad and raw. He is missing fur and skin on his neck/cheek. I called the local shelter as an emergency and they said they were sending a unit and they never showed up. I'm pissed and there's no one else that cares or can do anything. I feed the local strays and was wondering if I could possibly take care of him myself but it might be above me.

Any anon have experience taking care of something like this? I don't have the money for a vet but I was thinking I could maybe keep the wound clean or somehow cover it long enough for it to heal and release him back to the community? I have called multiple times about this specific cat and nothing comes of it. My heart breaks every time I see him and I don't want him getting hurt anymore.

No. 185933

It's nice of you to watch out for this kitty anon. If you're comfortable with it I recommend taking him in and trying to flush the wound with just warm water or an antiseptic solution. Can you look up shelters and cat rescues maybe in neighboring cities that may be more receptive and could take him in for you? If you're in the US there are also apps like Nextdoor and at least in mine people are always going on about strays, missing pets, etc, so some people may have better ideas about where to bring him or even volunteer to do it themselves.

No. 185935

Do you by any chance have a cat rescue or ASPCA near you? It’s always better to involve the pros in case the cat has rabies or some other kind of disease. That said, I did treat an injured cat in my neighborhood before. He also had a big scratch like what you’re describing, I basically washed it every day with water and tried to keep it clean. Neosporin and other antibacterial creams aren’t good for cats since they just groom/lick it off and the ingredients can be toxic to them.

No. 185940

There's only one other place that I can try. I hope they will take him in.

it's not a scratch, not anymore. It turned into something else today. I think it was a scratch that turned into an abscess. Today it was ripped off of his neck so a large portion of him is very exposed. I do have a picture but I am not sure if it's against a rule here. It's a very bad wound.

No. 185966

I recommend grey rock method, look it up, you're right not to help her financially and don't try to reason with someone's narcissism bc you'll drive yourself mad. I have the same issue with a 24/f relative who has never had a romantic partner or friends either, and yes this person doesn't treat men that way, suddenly they understand what the word no means and when to stop in front of their brother. It's only towards women they keep provoking to assert themselves and prove they're better than you and know more, because outside of the house in the real world they're insignificant. They just try to control you and intervene in your life because they have no control or authority in their own, no real confidence unless they put everyone else down to lift themselves up, and no social skills to be busy with their own relationships. Your younger sister will be the victim, just be there for her when you move out so she can text and vent to you on the phone.

No. 186115

Anon I'm so sorry that people like this exist. I do incorporate the grey rocking thing but she is quite persistant sometimes. Its interesting to me that they have a similar rule of not provoking the guys the way they do us. I'll make sure I stay in contact with my sister after I leave, I fear that the frustration of me being gone will most definantly be taken out on her.

No. 186362

File: 1621335479568.jpeg (37.24 KB, 553x311, d472fd55c57d146a8167036eb55911…)

i hope people don't hate me for asking about this, im sorry if you disagree with me for thinking i should do this. i know its not for everyone but i think it might be for me personally.

i am considering getting a bypass. does anyone have any experience or advice on this?

ive gotten mixed ideas on it. my aunt has it and she has always been skinny (in a healthy way). but a friend says a family member has it and it worked for a few months then she gained all of it back and it was a huge waste of money. from what i gathered there are different types of bypass so maybe she got the cheaper one? my mom also used to say (again dont know the type of bypass) she knew someone who had it and if they overeat they would throw it up because they simply couldnt have that much food in their stomach. so you'd have to get used to smaller portions like it or not. i would love to hear your stories please

No. 186379

my half-sister had a gastric bypass done maybe 15ish years ago. she went from morbidly obese (i'd reckon she was in the mid 300lbs range) to the higher end of being overweight (maybe 200-220?) and has maintained that. her issue is liquid calories. she fucking loves starbucks and beer.

at the beginning she did vomit if she ate too much or too quickly but i haven't heard her mention either of those issues in the last 5 years.

i think she'd lose more weight if she stuck to an actual diet but, honestly, she's in her late 40s and is just happy to not be morbidly obese.

No. 186380

The band? Since its reversible, the thought of permanently cutting a chunk of your stomach off doesn't sit right. Another side note, sort your shit out mentally/eating habits before you do this.

No. 186402

I know a woman who got it. She lost weight for a few years and is now just as heavy as she was before the surgery. Also:

>An unpublicized side effect of gastric bypass surgery is excessive flatulence odor.

>It is understandable why these patients have highly malodorous flatus. The surgery causes them to have a malabsorptive syndrome. Their systems don't absorb the food and nutrients as well anymore and when the undigested food gets down to the colon, the enzymes and bacteria go crazy digesting the food. One of the by-products of their digestion is gas (flatulence).

No. 186814

You might lose your teeth

No. 187113

Please help me, anons. I'm extremely bored. Nothing gives me pleasure. I wrote about this on the vent thread but I should have posted here.

Every day I continue on an art piece of mine, I do my skincare routines, shower, keep my living space clean, read a book and magazine articles, I go outside in some capacity, and I work out. I work 15 hours a week and I'm a recent college graduate and am looking for a job near where my boyfriend lives so I can move in. I am bored out of my mind during the week. I am trying to quit smoking, and I don't want to go down the route of using edibles or weed or drugs because that always ends up making sober life less tolerable. Any advice to make life fun and exciting again instead of everything being something to trudge along through?

No. 187303

How can I meet people to potentially date without using dating apps? In this case going to hobby related social events is pretty much out of the question. I looked up what regular events are bring held in my area and basically I can't find any that don't clash with my work schedule rip. Also I prefer going to something that's meant for general socializing rather then dive head first with actual dates. I find that I can get to know a person better over time in casual settings rather than in a series of dates where anyone decent constantly puts their best selves out there. Also it's much less awkward to peace off to someone else compared to after a date that just didn't work out.

No. 187311

I have an idea for a Kickstarter. Should i just go for it anon? I have most of the stuff figured out but I'm still missing a few things. I just want to make this thing and maybe hope it leads to something better.

No. 187313

Try some adrenaline-fueling activities. You can't be bored when parachuting out of a plane the first time, can you?
Look at stuff like this
(first link when I search "adrenaline-fueling activities")
The first one, zero g, sounds awesome to me.

Some people need more adrenaline than average to feel good, our bodies are different. Maybe that's you.

No. 187352

Yeah, Kickstarter is relatively low risk since no funding is given until you hit goal, so people are more likely to take a chance.

No. 187383

1) shower with your clothes on
2)listen to music in the dark
3)collect fungi and bring it home
4)wake up super early and enjoy the solitude outside
5)have a picnic, you can eat in a car if it's cold
6)play an instrument, it's very fulfilling
7)ask a friend to playfight/brawl, very nice and fun
8)rock back and forth in a dark room
9)bathe in the dark
10)go on a long journey in no direction

But just keep changing up routines. Go to sleep late if you want, you're an adult. Eat cereal in the bathtub. Talk to strangers if you're that bored. As long as you're kept on your toes (this is why brawling is important)

No. 187403

File: 1621878142915.jpg (247.59 KB, 1440x1440, 1606814977789.jpg)

I don't have anything to add but just wanted to show my appreciation for this post. I used to do this sort of thing all the time and for some reason a few years back I just stopped and it's been way too long. You're great anon, I hope you have a nice day.

No. 187404

I'm literally blushing rn. thank you nonny, have a great and fun day too

No. 187414

I love those so much! Any other fun ideas like those?

No. 187416

Has anyone here ever had sciatica problems? When should i go to the hospital? I’m poor and a burger so i dont want to go if i dont have to but my left leg hurts so bad and theres only a few positions i can lie in that my leg doesnt go numb

No. 187419

For me it was a thing called piriformis syndrome, there's a small muscle in the middle of your hip that can compress the nerve if it's tight. Look up stretches for it and see if it helps.
Turns out the root cause was my ankles being weak and floppy and falling inwards, it was causing all sorts of problems further up. If that's the case for you, there's lots of things you can do to strengthen and support your ankles.

No. 187422

Idk if I really need advice or just reassurance but I just moved into my first apartment with my boyfriend this weekend. I've been really looking forward to it and I'm happy it's happening but it's also very stressful and tiring. I moved a lot as a kid and I've come to hate it, just the chaos and how long it takes to feel settled. I feel like I can't relax until everything is done. I also feel homesick, I was living with my Grandma and I already miss her and my home. But more than that this just feels weird/wrong, I don't know how to explain, just…I worry this isn't the right thing. I think some of it has to do with the fact that, because I've dealt with fairly serious mental health issues my whole life, I ended up doing a lot of things in life late. I'm almost 26 and this is my first time living away from my family and having a place of my own. Independence is a scary concept to me. I never thought I would get to this point and now that I am it feels strange and I feel bad I'm not more excited and content. There's also the relationship aspect, just anxiety about if my relationship is good and right, if I'm feeling the right way, if moving in together is going to be good for us. I'm just curious if this is normal and if these feelings will go away soon?

No. 187427

nta but I used to do these types of things as a lonely teen who loved the outdoors during summer vacation.
>look up abandoned buildings in your area and scavenge for things left behind by people, or just enjoy the scenery
>just play dress up and go somewhere you're not likely to be seen (or not, I was just easily emabrrased) - I used to put on my semi-historicaslly accurate witch costumes, weird shit like that
>go on a day trip to a town nearby where you've never been
>go foraging for greens or berries
>whistle in nature
>get to a really high point somewhere in your area and just enjoy the view (I was usually in the city so I'd use accessible apartment building roofs)
>do some plein-air painting
>walk your cat
>try to strike up a conversation with a random stranger if you feel like they could be interesting to talk to
>take a ferry or boat to an island
>find flowers to press or take honme as a bouquet
>find a small, absolutely unpeopled lake and take a swim (maybe even go skinny dipping, but I was never brave enough, ahah).
There are plenty of free things to do alone for free, you just have to see what nature offers and take it gracefully and with respect.

No. 187434

Those are all amazing. I used to dress up too, strange how I forgot about the simple joy. I've been suicidal through most of my life, so I have missed on simple pleasures like the one you listed.
I'm gonna save those ideas and start doing them! I bet there is a whole book on the topic, but IDK what to look for. I bet this type of things to do has a name in some language that I don't know, lol.
>>look up abandoned buildings in your area and scavenge for things left behind by people, or just enjoy the scenery
God, I've been obsessed with abandoned places for years. I've only been to one, though. I'm scared of running into homeless men, some of whom may be dangerous. How did you deal with this?

No. 187438

I'd recommend doing beginners yoga for a couple of weeks at the very least and see how you feels. Also look up for full body stretches for beginners on youtube, even a 10 min routine every morning will do wonders in the long run.
Unfortunately with nerve pain there's no immediate relief so you have to stick to it for a bit to see if it helps.
I don't know if you "believe" in meditation but sometimes it does wonders for patients with chronic pains so keep that in mind too.
(When my father had cancer we used to do meditation together and for at least couple of hours he would be pain free and we are talking about cancer pain)

No. 187493

Has anyone had luck adjusting to an actual sleep schedule and sticking to it? I haven't had a normal sleep schedule since I was about 10. Any tips? Video games do seem to be my weakness. I also find it difficult to not sleep with background noise as I feel my brain doesn't shut up if it's just silent.

No. 187500

Try this app: https://sleeptown.seekrtech.com/ It'll give you an incentive to stick to a sleeping schedule. Also no screens an hour at the very least before going to sleep, sceens interfere with the production of melatonin in your brain that you need to fall asleep. If you can prevent the surge of melatonin from being disrupted, you'll actually feel sleepy when it's bed-time and it'll become easy enough to fall asleep despite having a busy mind.

No. 187520

I had insomnia for an entire year until I got my shit together and did all of this. The screens thing that anon mentioned is vital, here are other tips:
> go to sleep and wake up at the same time always (and both things should be done early)
> only use your bed for sleeping
> do something relaxing before going to sleep and if you've trouble falling asleep, don't spend more than 20 mins in bed: get up and do something chill
> meditate before (check out the headspace app or their series on netflix - the newest is focused on sleeping)
> get tired during the day: workout, go for a walk, try to get out of your house
> no caffeine late in the day
Background noises are great, don't worry about them. And for the videogames, try not to play them at least a few hours before going to bed

No. 187535

I moved house and my new place had crappy blinds that let too much light in. That by itself fixed mine. I never replaced the blinds because it was a blessing.

No. 187561

Might be a little late, but I didn't really meet any homeless people, guess I was lucky. Most of the homeless here are generally benevolent drunks.
But If you want to be prepared (which is wise), I'd suggest carrying some pepper spray with you, or any other method for self-defense. Otherwise, if you dont happen to have any on hand, leave when your gut tells you to, 100% of the time.

No. 187872

File: 1622018509015.png (352.09 KB, 531x390, 5643908453025873407534.png)

Any advice on how to not dissociate and feel like I'm living in a fake world? Sometimes I don't feel connected to my body, the sky seems like a shabby backdrop and when people speak to me it's like I could reach across and my hand would pass through them. I've dealt with this for most of my life and tried to combat it all sorts of ways, some healthy, others not so much. Exercising and deeply focusing on how my body feels or going out in nature and trying to be very present can sometimes ground me, but there are also times I've outright cut myself and still feel totally detached from reality. I haven't self harmed in a long time so that's progress, but the feeling drives me insane. Ideas like >>187313 aren't always great for me because getting high on adrenaline can end up making everything feel even more surreal. Are there drugs that help with this? Do I need to meditate upside down or make a pilgrimage to a holy site? I feel like I've tried everything and just want the feeling to end. Or rather, for feelings to seem legitimate again. Anyone know how to handle this better?

No. 187953

Drugs make it worse, self harm of any kind makes it worse. I haven't found anything that really helps. You have to treat the source, whether it be depression, anxiety, trauma, ptsd whatever is causing it.

No. 188199

My allergy season is about to begin and I'm not physically and mentally ready for this nightmare.
Do you have any tips on how to deal with allergy anons?

No. 188202

If you are open to everything try to work on your chakras with specific meditation, yoga and food. I like the feeling of chakra meditation so much that I do it at least once a day. But don't get frustrated when you start, it can be hard to visualise in the beginning but it gets better fast.

No. 188251

File: 1622153529857.png (445.81 KB, 456x431, 67035843085438543.png)

Thank you nonnies. Honestly I'm still trying to figure out the reasons behind it. I do have some trauma that causes intrusive thoughts, but that occurred later in life so it doesn't explain why it started as a kid. I've always been very dreamy and dissociated even though I was physically active. I was left alone a lot so maybe my cope was floating off to some other mental space. Depression has been a long-term issue but I'm getting better. Seems obvious but maybe that's why I overlooked it. No doubt continuing to improve my mindset will help with subconsciously wanting to tune out.

And sure, I'm willing to give chakra meditation a go. To some extent mindfulness meditation has been all right, so I can see how specifically linking meditation to areas of my body could be helpful. Appreciate the advice!

No. 188277

Are you an only child? You mentioned being left alone as a lot and I can relate as I was an only child left alone a lot while parents worked shifts etc.

I feel like I still feel the way you do, but I never would have thought its 'dissasociating' but more being so in tune with the world that it can seem overwhelming. Kids like us grew up with a very attuned intuition, and it will probably be like this for us forever. Trauma makes it worse of course.
There's not much you can do, personally I vicit sensory deprivation tanks sometimes and it feels great for me. I also enjoy going to music gigs where I can just get lost in the music and crowd and be in my own dream like aura. You just gotta find dreamy ways to live. Its not a 'problem' that you have.

No. 188278


No. 188289

Yes, only child raised by a single mom. And I don’t blame her at all, she was supportive and made time for me, but obviously could only do so much with everything else she was forced to juggle. I feel like I’m often the exact opposite of “in tune with the world.” I can walk by things I’ve passed 100x before and only realize a certain landmark exists by chance. I have to force myself to memorize every little facet of some part of the environment or people for them to feel like they materially exist in the world. I find my dissociative periods unsettling and disturbing, very Matrix-like in that it seems like I and everything around me is just a cheap simulation. I feel like going into a deprivation chamber could make that worse, but I’m not dismissing the idea. Maybe accepting or leaning into it more, letting go of feeling that I “need” to see the world in a specific way could help. Like exposure therapy. Part of the reason I dislike it so much probably has to do with my mindset, it’s just that I find myself enjoying life more when I don’t feel so distanced from reality.

No. 188300

You'd might also profit from forest bathing, if you have a forest close. Absorbing nature with all your senses is in every case very helpful. I used to feel like a ghost, floating around. And getting in touch with nature brought me back to the real world. Good luck, change is possible. I believe in you

No. 188301

Again, I think you are just more in tune with reality. Just relax, you will feel so much of reality and it will hurt. People, art, music will feel like too much.

You will be okay.

No. 188306

Media and trends have destroyed my ability to love my own body. I have a slim/athletic body with a bit of boobs and ass. Extreme curves are in right now so I've been in self hate fuelled binges trying to obtain a curvier body. I am highly aware that the only reason I feel this way is body trends and the media.

How can I learn to love myself? I know I won't end up looking like that and I want to love what I have.

No. 188310

how do I get over an old close friend blocking me on all social media for seemingly no reason? last time I saw her was a few years ago and we had a really lovely day together, then she just completely cut me off, never responded to my texts, and then just eventually blocked me everywhere. we didn't have a fight and she hasn't blocked any of our other mutual friends and I can't stop feeling upset about it.

No. 188312

Removing all social media, at the very least everything that isn't connecting you to people from your personal life, from your life is a good start.

No. 188314

Find pics of women that you like who have your body type and create a folder to flip through? Fashion shoots, pinterest type shots, etc.
But, seriously anon don't worry. Slim, athletic bodies will never become unattractive, and they haven't actually stopped appealing to the majority of people. Many men ONLY like that body type, too. You're good.

No. 188318

no disrespect but who gives a fuck what men think about female body types? anon didn't mention them in her OP post so I don't think it's helpful to attempt to be like 'oh men will still sexualise it!!!' as a way to practice self love. the rest of your advice was good tho

No. 188325

Most het women? Caring a healthy amount, that is normal. "Sexualise" lol. Yeah no, shit, it's called biology.

No. 188326

The only reason she doesn't have self love is BECAUSE she thinks men only prefer curvy body types lol what is with the cognitive dissonance here

No. 188413

>Yeah no, shit, it's called biology
Not really, seeing as how men will sexualize inanimate objects, food, animals, and children.

No. 188841

File: 1622457232631.jpg (641.61 KB, 1280x1851, 18a67502-d999-4fa0-9b14-c27c37…)

Willing to take the ban for this, but it's my eighteenth birthday tomorrow and I don't really know what to do for it. I was thinking to maybe have a little picnic with my grandparents and go out to dinner with my mother afterwards. I am worried it will be underwhelming, because I want it to be perfect. My past birthdays were not nice and this is a milestone. Do you have any tips or advice? Maybe something super fun or meaningful that I didn't think of? Maybe a way to not be so stressed and perfectionistic about it? I like picnics, literature and art, if that helps.

No. 188842

>picnic with my grandparents
>I like picnics, literature and art, if that helps.
Age aside you sound too pure for this site anon. Anyway, happy birthday and that sounds like a very wholesome day. It seems fine to me, but depending on COVID regulations in your area maybe there’s a museum and/or art exhibit you could go to, a city garden or local bookstore (sometimes you can find interesting and rare stuff).

No. 188843

Omg anon I had my birthday yesterday and we are one year apart, I now declare you my soul sister
And seconding all these ideas, have a nice day! >>188842

No. 188851

how do i completely stop being so depressed/too anxious when life is just so mundane. ive been on anti-depressants for a few months but had to stop due to money problems and i dont really want to go back and talk to a therapist (because of money too)

maybe its the pandemic thats making me feel this way or something else entirely.

No. 188852

I just baked myself a cake and hung out/shared said cake with a friend on my 18th, it doesn't have to be special just because you're 18 now. Don't stress about it, just try to have fun however you see fit.
Maybe go to an art museum and get something from the art shop as a birthday gift to yourself? Whatever you decide to do, have a good time!

No. 188855

Tbh your ideas sound good already. If you come from a family where they don't typically do stuff like arranging big surprises (my family never made a fuss either) then it's good to realise that dinner with family is enough. There's no bar or set standard that you need to meet and if anything bdays only get more and more anticlimactic with age. If you can be happy with simpler plans then it saves you alot of unnecessary worry. Low key bdays can still be the best if you spend it with fam. Especially family members that won't be around forever.

No. 188996

File: 1622508614038.jpg (40.27 KB, 480x576, 20210529_221032.jpg)

I feel like I make my irl friends uncomfortable around me when I get vulnerable and I don't know how to show my confidence. It doesn't help that I don't have good relationships with them since we never see each other and communicatpe mostly through text.

No. 189017

How do I forget about a friend who doesn’t make an effort anymore?
One of my best friends has let her anxiety and trauma force her to distance herself from me, her family and anything that reminds her of her past. She’s overprotective of her time and wont even drop by if she’s in town, whereas before we would have week long sleep overs together and I was her maid of honor.
I’m seriously disappointed. She got married and had a baby and has been more over protective of her time than ever, if I visit her at her house sometimes she shoes me out the door by the time her husband gets home. I havnt seen her face in a year, I had a small gift to give her and asked if she could drop by to pick it up before going to a bachelorettes party of someone I (kind of) know. Our other friend who was also going to the party invited me and said the bride wouldn’t mind having me at all, but I thought it would be weird for me to come so I wanted to wait for my friend to stop by so I could feel the vibes but she said she was running late and couldn’t see me, so I didn’t go. I’m sad I missed our cause it could have been my one chance to hang out with her like old times again. I’m kind of sad and jealous because she ended up sleeping over at our other friends/her sister (the girl who invited me) house and doing things we used to do, she evenended up seeing my sister at the bar and chatting her up for a while but she wouldn’t even see me for ten minutes, and even though her sister invited me out she didn’t think to and I bet didn’t want me there. I used to be her maid of honor and we’ve been friends for fifteen years and we’ve had toxic fights at times but nothing happened that was eventful that would end our friendship, just a slow dying death of her not putting me on her priority list in the slightest.
Inb4 she is a mom don’t be a bitch, I’m also a mom but my kid is a lot older. I just wanted to see her like a few times a year, nothing crazy

No. 189019

Have you ever asked her directly why?
Maybe someone told her a lie about you?

No. 189032

Am I weak for wanting to forgive someone and not throw them out of my life? People around me tell me I shouldn't forgive it, that its unforgivable. Its not a romantic relationship thing and its not a guy btw. But even though I really want to forgive I don't know how. Im not mad about it and I dont think about it all the time but when she complains about something I did I think that well, you've done a lot worse. Im not someone who screams at people and let them know what they've done, so I just keep it to myself

No. 189041

I don't know if I'd call it weak, it's normal and understandable that you'd want to maintain a friendship with someone you care about even if they've done you wrong. But you likely don't have great boundaries. I don't know what she did, but I am familiar with this dynamic. If what your friend did is bad enough that other people are saying it's unforgivable, then she knows she hurt you and her silence shows she places a higher priority on pride and being right than showing concern for you. That's gross and dismissive. By allowing her to get away with this and acting like she didn't do anything wrong, you're enabling her shitty behavior. It would be generous enough to bring it up with her in the first place, which would allow her to discuss it without having to make the first move, but to just remain silent while she continues using you as a sounding board… you're being a doormat.

Ask yourself if you really want the "friendship" of someone who treats you like an afterthought. Imo cut contact with her. If she owns up to whatever she did and apologizes, maybe that will be the jolt she needs to realize how serious this was. If she acts personally affronted, doubles down and gaslights you by saying you're the one in the wrong, or ignores you in turn, you have your answer.

No. 189042

I worded it wrong. She apologized and some time later I talked about it again and said it's hard for me to let go. She said I can come to her to talk about it every time. And maybe I should just do it. Because last time helped a lot.
What I meant is that sometimes she is angry at me for something unrelated and then I think about what she did and can't really be sorry for whatever I maybe have done. So I know I haven't forgive her yet.

No. 189043

I'm sorry anon, you can't force someone who doesn't want to be around you to spend time with you. It can be really painful when people decide to cut you out of their lives, especially for reasons that don't have anything to do with you as a person but because of their own issues. Unfortunately there's nothing you can really do. Aside from bluntly telling you to leave her alone, she's made it clear she doesn't want to interact with you. It's obviously not the healthiest way to cope, but clearly it's all she can muster right now. Either return the gift if possible or send it to her house and then just let her be. Some people recommend writing a letter to the person in question, getting all your feelings and frustration out as a way of processing, then tearing it apart or burning it. You can talk to trusted people in your life about what happened to acknowledge it sucks. Then you've just got to give yourself time to process, focus on other things and move on. Maybe one day she'll come out of it and approach you again, but you can't put your life on hold in the meantime.

No. 189045

I see, I'm glad to hear she at least acknowledged it and apologized. Sounds like you've answered your own question. Betrayals by friends take time to heal, and if the person in the wrong is genuinely interested in making amends and showing you they're going to be better in the future, then she's right to make herself available to talk about it more. I would definitely take her up on that because holding it inside you is just going to make the issue fester and interaction with her will feel stressful and painful until it's addressed. You don't have to yell and scream to make a point, just express whatever's been bugging you and hopefully she will respond with understanding and empathy.

No. 189456

File: 1622647831834.jpeg (236.48 KB, 700x1073, 2C6E6D9F-FFD4-441F-8CB6-5FA406…)

Beauty center pressured me to finance a LHR treatment because I was interested in reading about it - texting for an entire day, calling, hurrying me up. They know I live on welfare because I can’t work and lied on the bank’s contract about my income. Gave in because I’m autistic and had wanted láser for a long time.
The contract (which I was sent after they signed it for me) states that I can cancel within 14 days with no fees. When I’m home, the “euphoria” goes away and I realize I can’t pay for it. I also check for opinions online and their service is awful. They use that pressure and harassment tactic to get inexperienced customers to commit without thinking much about it or giving them time to do research, promising an exclusive/personal offer.

I call them to cancel and they want to charge me 80 bucks because “that’s the bank’s contract, not ours”. They never mentioned the existence of a second contract, I never signed another one. Is this even legal?
For context, I’m from Europe, 19, and have learned the lesson not to finance or commit without researching first just because it’s something I’ve wanted.
My fam says to report this. Can I do that, or am I just out of luck, only with a new lesson learned?

No. 189461

Sounds like you're being scammed but we can't give you legal advice. We don't know in what country you live or what the laws are there. Get into contact with legal consultancy/counter (I hope that's the right word for it in English), where I am you can get legal advice for free (I think it's government funded, you may have something similiar in your country). Or if it's not free, see if law schools/unis where you are offer free legal advice.

In what country do you live? I'm also in Europe, if we happen to be in the same country I can give you specific links.

No. 189479

Thanks anon, I’m in Spain. I’ve been reading more about the place and someone on TrustPilot didn’t get a copy of the contract until they made their complaint public, and after that the place tried reporting the negative review. I’m able to pay the fee now, but I’m gonna try to avoid it with the evidence I have since they’re basically scamming me afaik…

No. 189510

Can't you just not show up for the appointment and cancel the payment through your bank?

No. 189574

I'm not in Spain but I do know a tiny bit about EU law (which Spain falls under). Under EU consumer law, you have the right to cancel a service you've bought outside of a store (In this case you bought/agreed to it through the phone, right?) within 14 days without needing to provide a reason free of charge. So try calling them and tell them it's your right under EU consumer law to cancel without any fees being charged and don't let them bs their way out of it. Threaten with legal action if they don't listen, even if you don't actually want to pursue legal action, they won't risk it over 80 euro. I don't know if you can report something like this but at the very least it's worth trying, if they can't do anything with it then they'll tell you.

No. 189609

Has anyone been on the mini pill for heavy periods etc and not for contraceptive reasons? I have just been prescribed it for heavy periods/night sweats etc.

No. 190181

File: 1622914203698.gif (480.42 KB, 500x267, 5138614876eb4aa7b4e96c57816a32…)

Next month I'm sleeping over at the house of a young man I met off the internet for a few days. I'm relatively adventurous and look forward to this experience, but I was hoping to discuss safety tips. I'll be making a reservation at a hotel/hostel nearby for the time I'll be staying so I have a place to go, as well as keeping a family member informed. Aside from that, I'm still thinking about my preparation. What are other things I could undertake for good safety? Perhaps to bring cash, but how would you store it securely? I was also considering a burner phone. Please share your tips for safety in this scenario, including the traveling aspect. :) Maybe you can link a website or book if you have one that addresses this request?

No. 190182

I mean I personally think you should not go at all if you're concerned with safety. In my opinion meeting a stranger man from the internet isn't a reasonable amount of risk worth taking. If he's a psycho baiting young women on the internet to rape and kill them at his home, and as a women you're easily overpowered by a man, then renting a hotelroom, informing your family and bringing cash is completely futile. But if you insist on going, I'd look up self defense advice/tricks and carry one of those keychains that make a fuck ton of noise if you pull on them in danger. Maybe carry a small can of pepperspray small enough to hide in a pocket but I hear those can be easily used against you too.

No. 190200

I feel like I hate my boyfriend even though he's been such a positive influence in my life. I decided to get a bf to in some way get the approval of my parents who suspected me being gay and I like hanging out with him but our sex life is terrible, I hate it and I am scared that its because of me, or maybe hes just that bad. Either way, I hate having to be intimate as I dont feel any pleasure from it and end up feeling gross and used. We have a trip planned this month and I feel so guilty because in my head I wish I could quietly break up with him and get it over with.

No. 190214

Wtf just dump him. You sound absolutely miserable, if your goal was convince your parents you're straight breaking up with him won't prevent that. Wanting to hang out with someone is not worth the way you feel when you have sex.

People break up all the time, it's not a big deal and it's seriously not wrong to dump him for any reason at all let alone one as massive as feeling 'gross and used' after sex.

No. 190219

> end up feeling gross and used.
Which is interesting because that's exactly what you're doing, no? Using him as a tool to prove to your parents you're not gay. How would you feel in the reverse situation? Ffs anon, this isn't fair towards him nor a valuable relationship for yourself and you know it. Your relationship is doomed.

No. 190223

If you're determined to meet with him, do not go to his house at all. Stay at your hotel at night and meet him in public. If you decide you want to spend a night with him, bring him to your hotel room. Do not get into his car at any point, rent your own car if you need to drive somewhere, or call a ride sharing service for the both of you.

I understand feeling the need to meet up in person, but telling a relative what city you're in/near doesn't make you much easier to find in a moment's notice if anything were to go wrong. Stick to public places and consider sharing your location with your lookouts, I know that's a thing on Snapchat and maybe iPhones too. There are safety apps you can download, I don't remember what they're called, but they have location sharing features, one-touch emergency call buttons, and route tracking and other stuff too.

No. 190227

Youre right, we are using eachother in different ways but I try to be the best for him and he tells me he feels loved, we are ok together so I feel hesitant breaking up since things are ok and I dont want to mess something up if I can fix it. I just think I need to figure out my sexuality and what works for me. I think most of our issues stem from bad sex, he feels bad that he cant satisfy me and I feel pressured into it, but its not like it cant be fixed. Im not with him solely to prove im not a lesbian to my parents, but I dont know if its better to try to make it work or to try to be friends with him or just become strangers

No. 190232

Never thought I would say this on lolcow but poor dude

No. 190243

Thanks for your advice, we changed plans :)

No. 190248

He feels like he can't satisfy her but has no qualms about using her for sex anyway, yeah, I don't feel bad for him at all

No. 190668

Does anyone have any advice regarding escaping depression and setting goals?

I have been depressed for over 10 years, I have a useless college degree and I can't get a job above min wage. I don't want to do anything. Legit, I don't have any goals in life. This is mostly due to people continuously discouraging me away from anything I was slightly passionate in, and after years of doing that I cannot find the spark again. The only thing I strive for is to live with a loving partner, which I cannot do without marriage if I want to still be on speaking terms with my family. I don't have any close friends due to reasons outside of my control (like being unlucky with people, close people moving abroad etc.). I still live with my parents at 24 (which isn't too weird for my country but still sad), I get jobs from time to time but no matter how much I save it doesn't seem enough. The only talent I have outside of my degree is illustration and graphic design, but my applications fly under the radar due to not having a degree, despite me being proficient in programs and being talented. Currently I want to move out of my house so badly, but I'll be financially struggling too much due to the country's economy. Every time I see someone achieve their goals I breakdown, I cannot move most of the days because I'm so depressed. I can't afford therapy. With covid everything feels even worse as I can't even go outside and touch some grass as the cool kids say.

Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, can they share how they got out of this loop?

No. 190672

Check for hidden cameras/phones in his house. Why do you need a burner phone? Inform a friend/relative about the location and tell them to check on you if you don't write them in a given time. Like the other anons said, meeting at the hotel instead of his house is a much safer option.

No. 190676

I think you have two "main" problems, if you can overcome those the rest (no friends, not being able to move out) will solve naturally. First, you have depression to overcome and second is getting a carreer in illustration and graphic design going. I don't have advice for the latter as it's not my field but I've seen anons offer advice on how to break into that field before so I'm sure someone will chime in. As for the depression, if you can't afford therapy then maybe a self-help book could be helpful. There are many self-help books that instruct how to treat yourself with Cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is used to treat depression amongst other disorders. I can't personally vouch for their effectiveness but it's worth a try. Here's an example of such book: https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Depression-Step-ebook/dp/B0088NH2VG

No. 190864

How do I get into things that I used to enjoy again when I associate them with bad memories?

No. 190880

Just keep doing them. Eventually new, good memories will replace the old bad ones. For me it helped to have an attitude like "fuck you bad memories I am not letting you ruin the things I love!" and then just stubbornly keep doing the thing. If it's something you can do with a friend, you could also try that.

No. 190937

These people will try anything to get their money. Fortunately, I was able to cancel without fees. Thanks, though
Thank you anon, I mentioned that, plus insisted on being shown the contract where I supposedly signed agreeing to pay for a fee, or any of their terms mentioning it. They couldn't prove it because it didn't happen, so after unsuccessfully trying to put the blame on me for being "young and irresponsible" (I mean, I take responsibility for the things I did wrong, but that doesn't mean they can just scam people), I was able to cancel at no cost. I feel so relieved.

No. 190993

after having anorexia b/p for 10 years, my kidneys are failing, yet i can't stop. i think it's less than 15% now, 17% but less than 15% after adjusting to my current weight etc. i have back pain so bad i can barely walk, i'm 21. every day i think, "i did this to myself" i had to take a year out medical leave and now all of my friends have graduated… i feel so dumb, behind, incompetent. my exams have been deferred to august. everything is in standstill bc of my health. i was just 'fine' physically 3 years ago. idk how to cope cause i don't (want to) talk to anyone about this. i feel weak for talking about it. how do i get my shit together? i feel embarrassed.

No. 191030

how to become confident, stop giving a fuck what people think, and have more self esteem?

No. 191185

Consider therapy, or just talking to someone about what hurt you. Someone you know you trust. Then, focus on the enjoyment those things bring you - an enjoyment that is still there and will always be there. Nobody can take it away!

No. 191274

The only way to cope is to talk about it anon. The root problem seems to be that talking about it and asking for help makes you feel weak. Please understand that therapy and actually communicating your needs is the solution. There's no need to feel ashamed, and there's nothing wrong with letting your pride go for a minute and showing your weakness. I don't mean to analyse things that aren't there but could it be that you feeling dumb and incompetent due to your studies is exacerbating the dependence to anorexia b/p behavior? The need to retain control on at least that aspect of your life often perpetuates eating disorders. Letting go of that control is super hard but if you want to be healthy again you're going to need to do that.

No. 191372

File: 1623364524088.jpg (40.67 KB, 800x534, girl-neon-lights-213944811.jpg)

I don't enjoy playing certain videogame with my bf but how do I approach this? Normally I'm all for "just talk about it openly" approach but somehow this one stresses me out, probably because if situation would be reversed I would feel very insecure.
This game is my personal favorite, I've introduced my bf to it just recently and I just don't enjoy the way he plays it, a bit too competitive while the whole point for me is just to be chill and have fun, so he's pretty much ruining the experience for me and I'd much more prefer to play by myself. Do I maybe just stop playing this one for a while, try to steer his interest back to titles we both like, hope he forgets this one? What would you anons do?

No. 191375

Would you really feel upset if your partner said your attitude was more competitive than they preferred so they wanted to do their own thing? Or explained it as one of their downtime activities and wanted to keep it that way? I don't think it should be that big of a deal and if his feelings are hurt over it that's a him problem not a you problem. As long as you don't explain in a blaming way ("You've completely destroyed my enjoyment of the game!") and just express it as a different approach it shouldn't be an issue.

No. 191379

My friends are so shitty, first off, one of my friends was r*ped by my other friends brother. my other friend forgave her brother so I obviously unfriended her. Since then I've grown and have rebuilt my friend group. The problem is that my new friends are hanging out with my ex friend (who forgave her brother) and I'm so pissed and I've told them 100 times but they wont listen. I'm so done.

No. 191382

I just posted "friend vent" for clarification. this is just a happy-ish topic :)
So I'm planning on asking my crush out as soon as possible, hopefully tomorrow morning and I'm very nervous!(actual retard)

No. 191389

I think I'm worried about him feeling bad for being rejected from trying to do activity he knows I like; but you're right, I'll explain clearly what doesn't work for me and I trust him enough to be adult enough to either adjust or just agree it's not for him and we will do something else together. Thanks!

No. 191390

Girls say they're in a healthy relationship and then are too scared to tell their boyfriend they don't like playing a video game with him.

No. 191396

Lol anon, where did I say I'm scared? I was worried about making him feel bad, I think it's healthy when you care about somebody's feelings and look for advice how to handle the situation with the least damage, come on.

No. 191398

File: 1623369962871.jpeg (18.68 KB, 245x205, A92D7F49-8360-47D8-B88A-F98247…)

Coming to terms that you are mediocre looking and will probably end up with someone also mediocre looking.

I have a few assets that still set me apart from absolute NPC type looking ass. I was an ex-ballerina and I look like one, but in other words absolutely no ass or boobs.

My closest honest friends and myself have averaged my body+face to be a 6/10 overall, it’s fair tbh. I’ve dated a few dudes in my “”league”” but ultimately broke up because I was just so un-attracted to them.

How do my average anons cope?

No. 191407

If you're thin and an ex ballerina I reckon your true and honest friends are bullshitting you about being a 6. No matter what trends are happening or how much women meme themselves into coping that a bbl and weird proportions are desirable, men like natural fit looking women.

Most men would go nuts hearing about a ballerina tbh.

If you're breaking up with guys because you find them ugly, aim higher. A lot of men don't bother approaching women they deem out of their league if they genuinely think of you as girlfriend material. Like it is a thing men will approach who they think they can score with and that has very little to do with appearance.

No. 191411

There was some study that confirmed when women approached men first they ended up with more attractive partners but there’s also no guarantee those relationships last or remain healthy.
>men will approach who they think they can score with and that has very little to do with appearance.
Mostly true but do you really want to be with a guy like this? My ex was hot and freely admitted he didn’t approach me first because he thought I was out of his league, but his crippling self esteem issues and mental illness then caused him to gaslight and emotionally abuse me for the rest of our relationship in an attempt to convince me never to leave him (which could’ve been accomplished much more effectively by just being sane and nice to me). I’m not getting in a relationship again unless the guy has the confidence and composure to respectfully approach first. By all means be friendly and give hints if you’re into someone but don’t make it that easy for men. If he wanted to he would. Whether a guy’s reason for not approaching is a lack of interest or not being brave enough, you either end up with someone lukewarm or a coward. Neither are good outcomes.

No. 191415

Not everyone finds flat hot, anon.

No. 191416

How do I deal with the fact that I used to be super unstable and awful? I’ve had a lot of metal health problems and while they’re getting better because I found the root cause I still feel awful about the way I’ve treated a lot of people in my life.

No. 191417

Agree with this anon. I've dated some great looking guys out of my league.

Men have always told me, "You're more beautiful than your photos." I'm not. You just can't see my personality in photos.

Men are definitely superficial, don't get me wrong.

Am I hot? No lmfao. Can I be interesting? Yes. I'm thin and androgynous. I use that to my advantage. I have an elevated sense of fashion. Cut my hair or do my makeup in a way normie girls might not dare. I will say surprising things. I will make a guy genuinely laugh. I'll poke holes in his ego and catch him off-guard. Make him a little nervous. If you can make a guy nervous, he will confuse that for attraction. Idk anything about FDS, but that has just been my experience.

I think the personality is what gets a guy interested enough to want make things physical. The sex keeps them coming back. I'm not kinky or freaky necessarily, and I don't debase myself. But I'm good at sex. I do what I want. I think about how to make it a good time for the other person.

Hot men aren't all that great though. After a year, they sorta start to look normal. I can look at a picture of them with a group of people and think, "Wow what a good looking guy." On an everyday basis though it's like a spell is lifted. They're a little too in love with themselves. Such a turn-off. It's not a great combo with that masculine ego. There are some attractive men who don't really know they're attractive, and they can be so sweet. That's rare though.

No. 191421

How does one seriously quit cigarettes if it's a psychological addiction, not a physical one?

No. 191425

My bf chewed gum and smoked joints like a motherfucker for a few weeks to keep his mouth busy.

No. 191426

Vape unflavored vg nicotine. Taper the dose down until you are at 0.

No. 191480

How can I learn self discipline? I'm really bad with committing to and getting done tasks and it's super hard to make myself do stuff that I don't feel like doing (and if I make myself do it I feel emotionally exhausted afterwards). It's also really hard for me to build new habits, I might do something for a while but then I inevitably stop when I don't feel like it and then after a hiatus I pick it up again. This pertains to habits I genuinely desire (learning French - I learned it for a year, then stopped, then started again, and the cycle continues -, exercise, draw, read regularly etc.)

No. 191489

Do you perhaps have ADHD? You should look into it and talk to a specialist if able, as it sounds a lot like that.

No. 191494

My therapist told me that it's not likely, because I would have had learning difficulties in school and I always was a fairly good student (although if something was not interesting me, I succumbed to daydreaming)

No. 191499

I know several diagnosed ADHD people who got great grades and can't keep their life together, is your therapist a psychiatrist? If not, how would they know?
I'm curious because this sounds a lot like me (apart from grades, they were bad)

No. 191504

No, he's just a psychologist. This made me think. I know there's an official diagnostical test in my country but it's way too expensive for me right now.
Could you share what helped you personally? I was thinking about starting a bullet journal or use some sort of app that makes me feel accountable

No. 191513

Nta but same anon who suggested adhd.

Bullet journals personally never worked for me. Adhd is when the brain lacks that sweet sweet serotonin of a reward. Basically if you're not feeling rewarded, it's difficult to focus and stay motivated because the results are not instant. That isn't to say you don't have your moments, as often times I can scroll through tiktok hours on end not getting bored. So my suggestion is to set up a reward system of some sort. Keep a calendar/chore list somewhere where you'll see it often. Get cute stickers or something to mark what you accomplished. But most importantly, set a goal reward. Ex. "If I do the dishes for a week straight I'll get myself something nice to eat."

No. 191519

That's a great idea, thank you!!

No. 191526

I haven't been diagnosed, that's why I was asking. There's something definitely wrong and weird with me, but I've been leaning towards autism because my dad has it. Although you get executive dysfunction with autism too.
Tbh you don't have to be diagnosed with anything to use adhd tips to improve your life. Mostly I try to think ahead and make it as easy as possible to do the thing (like if I'm working out in the morning, it would take me 45 minutes to get my shit together and out of the door, but if i spend 5 minutes the night before getting an outfit and bag together, it takes me 10 minutes to get out of the door).
I really feel the emotional drain of doing something you don't want to do though, i think that's why I'm so tired all the time, and incredibly avoidant of everything. I procrastinate my entire life away. I have ten days to do ten assignments that I've put off and I'm here shitposting.

No. 191583

What are a list of hobbies/interests that I can enjoy outside of consuming anime/video games? I'm realizing as I get older than it's inexcusable and kind of pathetic to only be able to list those as my hobby.

Ideally something with minimal human interaction OR…actually something that would help me work on improving my avoidancy. Or something that's interesting to employers. Idk. I just want to have a personality for once.

No. 191589

Drawing or painting
Learn a new language
Learn an instrument
Crafting things (cheaper ones: embroidery, knitting, jewelry making, sewing, candle or soap making, sculpting, calligraphy)
Rock climbing or bouldering gym
Local classes: cooking, exercise, yoga, dance, martial arts, pottery, acting
Read nonfiction books or listen to podcasts on topics of interest

No. 191590

Google screen-free hobbies and you'll get tons of ideas

No. 191598

Learn to cook. You may be able to find group cooking classes in your area. I chose this one in particular for you anon because it's something you can indulge in as a homebody watching your shows, and something you can share with just about anyone you would like to be friends with. It is so easy to talk about with employers, coworkers, and near strangers, since almost everyone loves a good meal. Taking an interest in food and cooking also gives you an opportunity to learn about other cultures through their cuisines.

No. 191607

I've been using this app called routinery and my quality of life has gone up SO MUCH.

I used to get stuck doing the most unproductive pointless stuff.

You can build two routines for free and see how you like it, then pay for the app https://routinery.app/

No. 191608


in addition to this there are a lot of anime/videogame themed cooking YTers so it might help ease you into a new hobby by incorporating elements of your current interests. Binging with Babish comes to mind.

No. 191611

Love his stuff, good rec nonnie

No. 191686

Hey anons, has anyone had experiences with adult braces? I'm 24 and my dentist recommended I get them to stop myself from grinding my teeth while I sleep, and that it could potentially slim my jaw as well. I've already had braces when I was 14 so I know what to expect, but I can't help but feel a little embarrassed at the thought of having them at my age. Invisalign might not be the best option either (but is one), so I probably want to get the metal/ceramic braces

I'm single as well and was hoping to try find a boyfriend this year, and i'm worried braces would detract from my overall looks. Any advice or experiences will be appreciated

No. 191687

Thank you, I'm gonna check it out!!
I had braces at 24 and it was the BEST decision of my life. My bite was off - back molars were barely touching, so I had difficulty eating and now I have a 90% functional bite. It also improved my looks - since now I'm using more muscles in my face, it looks rounder and more youthful. Also, I know of people in their 40s who got braces, so don't worry about being too old for them or anything like that. I'd say don't put off dating because of the braces - if someone likes you for YOU and not just for your looks, it's not gonna be important to them, and if someone's superficial ass wouldn't date you because of them, well then you wouldn't want that person in your life anyway

No. 191689

I'm nearly 30 and got braces last year, just for vanity rather than any real issues. I don't feel embarrassed, why should I? What's wrong with correcting your teeth as an adult? If anything it's a good conversation starter, people who've had braces like to chat about them.

No. 191690


Thanks nonnies! I feel much better now, would you mind telling me how long you had them on for? I think I had mine for 1.5 years when I was younger, I'm not sure if that's the same amount of time i'm lookin at as an adult

No. 191692

I got braces when I was 20 and at university. Like others have said, it was the best decision I've ever made, but I was self-conscious towards the beginning of the process. In the end, it really boosted my self-confidence. I also found that most people didn't even register my braces after the first few weeks. I can actually smile in photos now! I had them for about 9 months to fix a vampire fang situation I had going on (which also required tooth removal) and overcrowding on my bottom jaw. Not long at all! I'm not sure if that's because I was older, didn't need much done, or because my teeth just moved really easily. Either way, I have a permanent wire on the backs of my teeth now which means I don't have to worry so much about wearing a retainer to keep everything in place. If you have the funds, I say go for it. I doubt you'll have any regrets :)(newfaggotry)

No. 191736

An ex-friend/ex-fwb that I haven't spoken to since September reached out to me today to wish me a happy birthday. Should I reply to say thanks? He's also previously tried reaching out to me through email after finding my linkedin profile not too long ago but I didn't respond. I feel like it's rude to keep ignoring him but also he was the one who stopped talking to me first.

No. 191739

Do you want to talk to him again/not burn bridges? say thanks
Are you fine with him being out your life? ignore

No. 191740

contacting you through linkedin is fucking creepy

No. 191743

Go find a neurologist, they're more qualified than anyone to diagnose you. Or else look for a college or university that has a neurology program. Sometimes there are trials they conduct that look for people who might have ADHD.

No. 191748

Kek it's not rude to ignore him if you don't want to talk to him again. Letting people waste your time is always optional

No. 191753

how do i stop getting so easily pissed off by jokes relating to porn or general coomer behaviour? i don't want to change my mind about the whole topic, i despise it all, but it seems to be present in whatever media i try to consume. it's exhausting and it builds up to a point where i'm on edge. it makes me feel so grim every time and i don't know how to subdue my emotional response.

No. 191767

File: 1623531186335.jpeg (80.24 KB, 792x520, cringe_compilation.jpeg)

Is it cringey to post analyses online when you already write them anyway for fun? Does it matter that it's cringe?
After every book I read or movie I watch, I practically write an entire report or philosophize about it with other women. Some have asked me to create a blog, which might just be giving me a hint that I talk too much nonsense. Though usually the're pretty up front with me when I'm being annoying. So I'd like to think it was in good faith.
I don't want to create a podcast, YT channel or (purely) a blog. Maybe I could get into zines? Should I just embrace the cringe and do it? It feels so self centered (like this post and most of the internet).

No. 191769

>Does it matter that it's cringe?
No. You should NEVER care about whether something you want to do is cringe or not. Online, there will always be a person that will consider what you do cringe, no matter what that thing would be, theres no point to let it stop you.

No. 191774

File: 1623533981225.jpg (125.23 KB, 1080x1178, the_cringening.jpg)

It's not so much that I worry about someone else thinking it's cringe, unless future me counts. I worry that it would be something I personally would look back on and just completely cringe at later and regret. Especially since I frequently change my mind. Meanwhile if I keep it mostly to myself, maybe it's more likely that the memories stay positive.

No. 191785

Ah i see what you mean. You can always post it under a nickname so no one but you will be able to link it to you in the future. From personal experience, I've cringed at many things I've posted but years later most of them were the only ones left of my writing, as everything I kept for myself was gone with computer changes etc., so it's also worth publishing for future nostalgia. And for anyone that may possibly enjoy it.

No. 191833

Ahhh, nona, if you find out outside of this thread please share. I'm the same, just the sheer mention of porn puts me in rage mode at this point lmao.

No. 191905

How normal is it to hate all your friends after a while?
I can make friends easily enough, but no matter what, at some point I start strongly disliking them, for almost no reason. All their flaws start seem to become more obvious (even if their behavior hasn't changed at all) and it's like they rot from the inside out before my very eyes.
It's not even exclusively based off of jealousy, which I would understand. It's anything. My only going theory right now is that I build people up too highly in my head during the honeymoon period of the friendship (if such a thing exists) but that doesn't quite connect all the dots for me.
Also, I know this sounds like a very whiny teenager problem (I'm 19, so you're not wrong exactly) but this pattern has been repeating since about the age of 5, so it seems deeper than that.
I try my best not to lash out about it, as I know it's quite irrational. At most I keep myself to the occasional cold, snippy comment and furious diary entries, but it's stressful to live nursing hatred.

No. 191935

I've been reconnecting with a friend that now lives abroad (we weren't super close but had kind of a "maybe something will happen" thing that never did). We've been talking a lot these past few weeks and even watching movies together. I can see myself starting to like him and the circustances are not good since he lives really far away and I don't see us seeing each other any time soon. Should I drift away from this? I feel I'm going to get hurt or we both will. I'm just really sad thinking I can't physically touch him and that if there's anything going on from him too that we'll have to mantain this charade of a "friendship" that will inevitably be crushed by someone saying "ah I met someone haha" and both having to act aloof about it.

On the other hand I kind of want to just enjoy the connection and not worry if things will go bad or not, but the thing is that I can't shake the knowledge that if I do see him it may be like once a year at most. I've just been feeling really lonely lately and also know distance can make things feel even more intense that they would be in person otherwise…

No. 191942

My boyfriend invited a bunch of his close friends over for a weekend. We got really fucked up and I ended up passing out while leaning on a friend's shoulder, and when we got high the next morning I spent a while squeezed between him and my bf on our tiny couch playing video games. I was super comfy and happy, until I noticed that friend that I trust so much was masturbating. Like full on, dick out behind a blanket, while squeezed next to me.I feel totally violated but at the same time know it was my fault for giving platonic affection to a man. I haven't told my boyfriend yet and I am at a fucking loss. Do I tell him and ruin a decade long friendship? Do I keep it secret and just avoid this friend next time he comes around?

No. 191943

Tell your bf. That is worth ending a friendship over, clearly it's not a good one.

No. 191948

Yes, tell him. Not telling him could potentially enable the friend's behavior to continue around you. He probably does it around other women as well. I don't know whether it would be a wake-up call for the moid in question, he's probably too far gone, but at least he will be out of your lives if your boyfriend has any respect for you. I know it will be hard to talk about but you can do it. And don't blame yourself for this happening, it's not your fault for trusting your boyfriend's friend, it's his fault for being a disgusting creep.

No. 191949

I'm so fucking sorry. Men are disgusting. Please tell your bf, I hope you don't have to see him again.

No. 191952

File: 1623621182869.png (770.85 KB, 632x629, 0AE2EF8E-31F1-4E90-92B1-94755D…)

Anons who have left really abusive situations, how long did it take until you felt “normal” again? My mom and I left my dad in November and while I’ve noticed a marked difference on my energy levels and just general ability to think I still don’t feel completely there. I’m having a hard time doing normal tasks still and while my bad days are less they still happen. I’m so torn because while I’ve been trying to give myself time to rest I’m also having these very strong urges to finally put myself out there but I still don’t feel fully ready. I don’t know what to do and just want to live up to my potential.

No. 191957


Congratulations, anon! It will take a while to get back to the standard you've set up for yourself aka normal, but try not to hold yourself up to that standard too much. I don't know what you or your mum have been through, but horrible experiences have a way of distorting your sense of reality and your self worth.

As long as you (and your mum) are in a place where you are physically, mentally and socially safe (especially if you live together) you have a place where you can heal at your own pace.

Try not to think of the time it will take to get where you want to be, especially if you want to meet new people or try something new.
Trauma recovery is never a set-time sort of deal.

I hope you'll get better responses than this, though.

No. 191964


Okay. I'll give you some advice I wish I'd told myself at your age. It might come across as cold, but hey - learn from my mistakes if you want.

If you don't value a friendship for whatever reason, or can't handle the responsibility/pressure of having a friend, then think of the relationship as a personal reference for a future job. The job market sucks everywhere, and if you need a personal reference aka someone you knew for 5+ years to provide it then trust me - cutting off friends can and will hurt you financially.

Maybe not seriously yet, since you're under 20. If you genuinely don't like having the responsibility of maintaining friendships, try and keep up the bare minimum of friend count with a goal in mind. If you truly hate your friends, try to work on your own goals instead of focusing on other people.

I can't say whether or not hating your friends is just low self esteem, where you think you can't think of belonging to a group of people, without resentment or you genuinely don't like people. I mean if you're financially secure and carefree, why would you give a toss about other people? The only social responsibility in your situation, would be to not cause harm to the people who are your friends at the moment, or those naïve enough to try an be nice to you. There is nothing more anyone could ever ask of you.

As for the normal amount of hatred, let's not go there. That would be putting a value on a horrible emotion to hold inside.

If you still have the energy to express yourself in more meaningful, fulfilling ways, it would be a shame to not to make the best of it and waste in a negative way.(samefagging)

No. 192022

Intellectualize it.

When it comes to media, I personally find the ability to vent in the form of a review helpful.

No. 192038

Could this be some issue with your attachment style? If you start pushing away people who you start to feel bonded to, it could be a sign of an avoidant attachment style. When you make friends you will be aware of their flaws, but unless it's something that's completely reprehensible most people can turn a blind eye and enjoys their company anyway.

For example, most people make friends and then realise their friend might be a bit of religious nut. But apart from that, they still hang out and avoid the topic when they're together. Same with if they chew with their mouth full or make bad jokes, most people can tolerate a certain level and enjoy hanging out anyway. Hating them isn't normal, and hating all your friends sounds like a level of self sabotage imo.

You may not notice it but your friends probably notice a certain level of distain you have towards them, but ignore it for the sake of hanging with you too.

Not to sound like a broken record but therapy would help, nonnite

No. 192040

I’m not really there myself and it’s been… 5/6 months I guess? Way better than early on though. Was having nightmares, panic attacks and leaping out of my skin worrying I would run across him at a grocery story or around the neighborhood since we still live in the same area. Then, funnily enough, I did run into him recently and was fine. Even told him I was certain I didn’t want to have anything to do with him and felt a whole lot of nothing afterwards. The emotion that comes up the most now isn’t fear or sadness but anger. But I remember that’s no longer beneficial either. Initially it pushed me to stand up for myself and get out but now it’s just eating into the happiness I should rightfully be enjoying. The whole drinking poison and hoping it hurts someone else issue. So I do guided meditations which are helpful, I can actually feel my body releasing the tension. I don’t have the energy or really desire to maintain more than a handful of relationships right now and I’m pretty good at staying on top of day-to-day things but I don’t beat myself up when there are days I just can’t get through it all. As >>191957 said you should just go at your own pace. You’re never going to be the same, which might sound ominous, but I don’t mean it that way. You’re stronger, more mature and more conscious of some of the worst humanity has to offer, and that changes you, but not into a bitter person but one who can see reality more clearly and value the good all the more. It can be strange feeling your perspective and identity shift but just know it’s a natural process and you’ll come out the other side a more complete person.

No. 192058

I go to a weekly fighting game tournament in my town. It is mostly to see friends and less about the game, but there is this absolute autist guy there who makes me and the other girl that goes feel extremely uncomfortable every time we are there. He openly asked me about if I had breast implants and "stiff nipples" on a livestream I was casting. He also openly tries to flirt with this other girl and I with our boyfriends directly next to us. He threw a controller at someone's head when he lost his bracket and screamed and left the building. My friend runs these events and hasn't banned him because he "has a rough home life" but that isn't an excuse to harass the women that go to these events. How do I get it across to this autist to shut the fuck up about gross shit when I'm near him and get my friend to stop defending him and accept he should be banned from going? The fucking state of scrotes I swear to god. People also clip him being cringe to me in streams and circulate it amongst their friends and then backtrack and apologise about his behaviour when it reaches me. The absolute state of scrotes

No. 192111

Has anyone had a friend who became friends with a drama mongering scrote and now she's let him isolate her from you?

No. 192277

Not an ask for advice, more of a theoretical question: how does one switch their mindset to the opposite?
Let's say there's a person who believes that everyone in the world is malevolent, cannot be trusted and in general, the world is a dark and unsafe place. It's better not to open up or you're gonna get hurt. How can this person go from this to believing that the world is a wonderful place with many opportunities and that people can be trusted and you can open up to them?

No. 192295

>She's let him isolate her.
Do you think the types of toxic men who isolate women ask their permission first? You're funny. She's in the fog of abuse.

No. 192328

Uh, anon, they're just friends and she values the attention of men over the loyalty of women and that's what I've come to figure out about the situation.

No. 192357

How do I feel comfortable when the focus is on me during sex? If my bf spends more than 10 seconds doing anything I immediately feel guilty and want to stop.

No. 192510

File: 1623863647195.jpg (196.65 KB, 1080x1240, Screenshot_20210616-191419_Fir…)

How do you feel comfortable in a dress if you're really tomboyish and have "masculine" mannerism? I'll often get told by my mother to be more "lady like", that I "walk like a man" and similar shit and idk what to think anymore. The fact that I'm a gym rat, so somewhat muscular and an inverted triangle with 0 waist (pic related) doesn't help.

I just want to feel cool enough this summer not to get a heat stroke or some shit.

No. 192512

Just live, anon. Fuck the opinions of anyone but you.

I'm a tall-ish and strong woman with a deep voice who used to present masc and I've continued acting as always even though I wear flowery flowing dresses and cute shit now. The contrast is hilarious to me and upsetting to men so I see no point in changing.

Just make sure not to accidentally show anyone your ass in dresses. Safety shorts are your best friend.

No. 192533

Screw anyone who judges. Muscular figures are beautiful.
You can try different types of dresses to see which type you prefer and look better in. Its all about finding what dress flatters your figure more.

No. 192535

File: 1623872893258.jpg (19.5 KB, 406x512, http___static.theiconic.com.au…)

There are lots of sorts of dresses. I think you should try straight shaped dresses with no sleeves. Maybe like this one

No. 192597

You try t-shirt dresses first if you feel uncomfortable in overly feminine dresses

No. 192619

Thank you anons! Going to try to find something I like this Saturday

No. 192687

Holy shit no, if anon is an inverted triangle shape these types of dresses will make her look like a fridge.
Go for a classic A-line dress. It will balance out your silhouette.

No. 192713

How do you tell when something that you want to do is more of a calling than just a phase? I’ve been really thinking about doing a particular thing over the past year and it keeps growing stronger. I really have a gut feeling that I could be good at it and be able to incorporate both my personality and my artwork. I started to think about putting myself out there last year but then I had a lot of personal life shit go down and forgot about it until recently. I really want to try it but I’m also afraid I’ll either end up hating it or being too emotionally overwhelmed because of everything I’ve been going through. What’s the best way I can decide whether or not it’s right for me?

No. 192725

File: 1623952242992.jpg (41.77 KB, 600x400, fe69c5f4414ec781f8798434bef30f…)

Seconding what this anon says, A-line is the way to go

No. 192737

>I’ve been really thinking about doing a particular thing
>What’s the best way I can decide whether or not it’s right for me?
Just do the thing? You can try things without them becoming your life's calling, in fact it's retarded to devote yourself completely to something you've never tried before. Do the thing in your spare time and see if you like it. If you like it, do it a lot so you can get good at it. If you get good at it, that's the point where you could be considering whether it's a "calling," not now when you're just fantasizing about the thing.

No. 192766

a-line dresses are magical when it comes to flattering your body, I have the exact opposite shape to anon (narrow shoulders, pear shaped with something of a waist) but they are also my go-to because they hide my fat legs and pouch.

No. 192911

God I love a line dresses. I’m an inverted triangle, and I have really fat upper arms compared to the rest of me. They make me feel so cute and feminine and make me look like I have an hourglass.

No. 192917

So because of my avoidant tendencies, my friends cut me off (they would say I cut them off) a few months ago. We used to have a group chat where we'd message each other and recently they started writing stuff there again, even though they could have easily made another one without me. They never address me or anything like that, they just write to each other about their plans and where they want to go and what they want to do. I'm not sure what this is about. At first I thought they are showing off (they know I have 0 social skills and don't have friends besides them and if noone drags me to social events I just stay home) their exciting life but I'm not sure. Could this be an invitation for me to join them? They could have easily made a group chat without me so I don't understand them. What do you guys think? What should I do?

No. 192926

If they wanted to cut you off they'd make a new channel without you for sure; take it as an open invitation for you to join them anytime you feel like. And when you do, maybe consider opening up to them about your struggle with keeping up the friendships? That would make them understand you better and not think you're cutting them off and want nothing to do with them ever

No. 192937

I have the exact same problems with keeping up friendships as you do so I know the struggle. Like the other anon says, it's best to try and join in if you'd like to. Try to avoid assuming that people think badly of you and don't want you there. I'm sure if you're still in the group they at the very least wouldn't mind if you went along and they might actually be very excited about it if you do. I used to be in a group chat with friends and this one guy was notorious for not responding and basically disappearing from the face of the earth for months at a time, and flaking on plans. We purposefully still discussed everything we were going to do in that chat because of the possibility he might want to join in since we all really appreciated his company when he did.

No. 192938

What do you do for sleeves? I'm not an inverted triangle but I do have comparatively fat upper arms and broad shoulders. Every time I wear a dress with very short sleeves or just straps, I feel like it makes me look fatter than I am. Summer doesn't leave me much of a choice though.

No. 192972

how do you channel your anger and want for revenge into something healthy?

No. 192979

anons with no friends, what do you even do in your spare time?

the pandemic hit and turns out the thots I called friends weren't really friends. and this isnt a "give me sympathy :<" post, I mean maybe it is a bit. but the main point is, If you're someone that doesn't have friends, what do you do in your spare time? teach me your ways. the loneliness is slowly eating me up, and it's really hard to escape.(lack of integration, newfaggotry, namefagging, subjectfagging, emoji)

No. 192983

Delete your newfag post and get friends, loser.

No. 192984


someone's really pent up.

No. 193019

File: 1624042310339.jpg (73.55 KB, 650x650, D2JNK8j5PR.jpg)


First off, learn to integrate.

Secondly, try taking up a hobby, even if you think it's stupid, at least it's something to do. It doesn't matter if you're drawing your shitty Sonic OC or making macaroni art, just do SOMETHING.

You asked what other people do. I'm a writer. I'm so-so, make a little money from it on the side, but mostly I just do it so I don't go nuts when I'm stuck inside all day.

If you're afraid of being made fun of, you don't have to share it with anyone. If you don't have anyone you feel you can count on, try finding happiness internally.

Or don't. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But you asked for advice, so I'm giving my two cents.

Or you could just follow this inspirational Inspirobot quote and become the world's next serial arsonist, I dunno.

No. 193022

Use your spite as motivation. I'm not even joking when I say one of the initial reasons I became a writer (on the side, even I'm not enough of a dumbass to take it up full time) was because everyone laughed at my shitty ghost story when I was nine.

Retarded, yes. But I'm the only one of that group who has ever made money off their writing, so it was useful retardation. And what started as spite is now something I genuinely love.

I understand your situation is probably a lot worse, and I do not want to minimize your pain. I was a kid that got laughed at, you could be going through horrible abuse for all I know. But aside from committing acts that will earn you a lifetime in prison, success is the best revenge.

Go kick some ass.

No. 193156

I'm almost 25 and I struggle with my age a lot because most of the things I like are more appropriate for younger people. I want to wear certain cute clothes, collect cute stuff, do stupid things and go out all night, watch anime. I never really did any of these things yet and now I'm going towards 30 and I feel like I'm supposed to pretend to be more mature, do more mature things, wear more mature clothes, but I don't want to accept that I missed out on doing what I wanted to do, because now it's not appropriate for my age anymore. Yeah they say age doesn't matter just do what you want, but I feel embarrassed if I act and live like idk a 16-21 year old at most. Tbh I already struggled with being immature for my age and missing out on a lot a few years ago and now it only got worse. Do I have to act and pretend to be more mature? Or should I just do what I want until I am actually 30?

No. 193159

top kek at you thinking that you'll be a serious adult at 30 somehow. Just do whatever you want because I guarantee no one thinks on their deathbed that they're glad to never got to pursue their dreams because that would make people cringe.

No. 193163

Life doesn't end at age 30 dude. For me it only feels like it's beginning since I wasted my 20s trying to do precisely what you're describing, fulfilling other people's expectations of me. I do all of the things you mentioned and I will continue to do so as long as I enjoy them. I really don't give a fuck what others think about it, and there are plenty of people older than me who do those things as well. So long as you aren't hurting anyone else I promise you most people do not care, and if they do, they're the ones with issues. What trivial and boring lives they must lead to be so obsessed with what others are doing that they aren't focused on their own interests instead. (That's the problem: They usually don't have anything going on in their own lives so they mock others to fill the void.)

No. 193167

I'm struggling with being able to put myself first vs. selfishness.
I'm not a person who cares a lot for external validation but even so I've repeatedly (in the past) crossed boundaries for some family members because I felt i could deal with the little bit of inconvenience it would cause me, rather than letting them down. Now it's come to a head and I've realized people like this won't be satisfied no matter how much I give, and so I'm trying my best to reiterate my personal boundaries and limits mostly as to how much of my emotional labor they're entitled to.
Except it is now eliciting responses along the lines of "you were never like this" and "you're only thinking about yourself" and "you don't care about us"? Like I was stupid and repeatedly turned myself inside out to meet idiot expectations and that went completely unappreciated, and now you're no longer satisfied with anything less either. What the hell

Can anons please help me understand if starting to always put oneself first is selfish? Or sometimes you just take the L, pay in discomfort, shut up and do what the other person needs from you? I feel so frustrated right now.

No. 193216

Do I go with my boyfriend to his dad's ceremony today? I'm petrified by large events, pictures, and talking to families, which will all be happening here. His mom invited me and he told me she'd like me a lot by virtue of just showing up to one of their many events but I just can't muster up the courage to go. I've been able to manage my anxiety in every other way but these things and they're all happening at once. I even burst into tears when he asked me. Should I try and get over it? I can't embarrass his family as this is an important status thing.

Moreover, I've been staying with my boyfriend for the past three days, away from my good clothes and skincare. My locs are a wreck as well. Surely I can't turn up like that?

No. 193220

Has he incorporated himself into your families plans or attended similar events on your side?

I struggle with certain events and tbh I look back on a past relationship where I put myself through alot of stress (and ibs lol) by feeling a pressure to attend things no matter how anxious I felt. I put my feelings on the backburner and looking back he didn't do the same. He didn't even have anxiety but he still just didn't return the same effort. I would be all for trying your best as long as his fam are accepting of you (anxiety and all) and as long as he has returned as much effort in going to events on your side too. It should be a two way street of making effort for both families.

No. 193225

Oh, he wants to! Only my family is small and not close. Our family gatherings from the past five years have all been funerals. I feel I've brought this on myself by not going to the smaller things like restaurants or picnics, and avoiding his family to keep from being an intrusion. I've become a social person and worked to make myself flow easily into others yet I can't shake this part of me.

He ended up reassuring me and leaving so now the computer is my only solace and comrade. I can go still if I leave within this hour.

No. 193277

What about dressing immature? I really like kawaii fashion and also like stores like asos, h&m, na-kd, forever21 etc. And what about anime? I mentally still feel 16 and idk how I'm already turning 25 soon..

No. 193287

File: 1624139866596.png (302.77 KB, 474x618, 478980327403256.png)

I know for a fact I've worn a lot of stuff anons would crucify me for (see: psychedelic ruched booty shorts), but even so I just wear what I want. "Irl" I've only rarely gotten negative remarks, mostly from men being gross, but far more often I get strangers complimenting my style even if what I'm wearing isn't on trend. I regularly get mistaken for being in my 20s but frankly I think I look my age, people just have fucked up expectations of what 30 is. Most of my friends are just as beautiful and healthy as ever. Do whatever makes you feel happy anon. Again, it honestly doesn't matter to the majority of people out there, and the ones who do freak out aren't worth your time. There's no point in wasting your life feeling you have to box yourself into a certain mold.

I still have cutesy things I wear, fun t-shirts sometimes or jewelry like picrel. Other days I look very formal and classy, depends on my mood. I don't watch anime as much as I used to just due to lack of interest but sometimes there's a new show I pick up. I mean, the majority of people I encounter aren't even going to know that about me, but I also have friends who watch anime still. You seem very concerned about other's opinions of you so really I'd focus on building your self esteem over anything.

No. 193288

It's normal to experience pushback when people are used to getting what they want from you and then you start maintaining boundaries. The ones who are worth keeping around will grow to respect you for it and adapt, the ones who aren't will weed themselves out. It's one thing to be somewhat inconvenienced by a friend if they really need you, say giving up a weekend you were planning to relax to help them move, but it's another to be stuck in a pattern of constantly putting your own needs and desires on the back burner in favor of people abusing your kindness, which it sounds like has been happening. Just keep doing what you're doing and let things fall where they may.

No. 193289

You're not even going towards 30 yet. You're literally 5 years away from being thirty, do you call 15 year olds 'almost 20'? You don't.

No. 193303

I seriously can't stop binge eating. Pleaaaseeee help.(lolcow.farm/info)

No. 193327

File: 1624153170635.jpg (18.03 KB, 736x96, almost late 30s.JPG)

on here you do kek, pic rel sent me
whatever someone's age is, farmers will try to exaggerate the number and try to call them old

No. 193335

Lol omg

No. 193380

Thanks I really appreciate all of this.
My point was more that I'm already really immature for my age, I feel 16-21 at most, in the way I act and also the way I dress and feel, and I'm almost 25 already, and I don't see myself suddenly changing a lot in the next 5 years

No. 193384

I feel like it's a weirdly unspoken thing but plenty of people expect to feel grown up by a certain age and then… mentally you just feel the same as you did at like 16. Sometimes having a lacking childhood can cause it but I think we often just have expectations that aren't realistic.

I'm in my 30s and being childless I still find myself drawn to buying blind box toys that are more geared towards kids. I don't know if cashier's assume I have a kid at home (doubt they care or think about it) but it's not uncommon, especially when people now opt out of parenthood and so have the ability to indulge those pleasures for longer. As long as you're not an abdl or consumed by it to the point of neglecting work and responsibilities then it's fine. You can find a healthy balance and reward yourself for your adult accomplishments.

No. 193505

File: 1624242728951.png (272.64 KB, 400x541, we are not getting out the pat…)

Any advice for forming friendships with women and keeping yourself from becoming too critical of existing friendships with men? I'm in a similar situation as >>183555, so maybe this is necroing.

Pretty much all my life I've only ever had male friends for extended periods of time. My mother was the primary breadwinner and worked more hours than my father, so I ended up spending more time with the men in my family at home. This led to me relating to men more often than women, but I also think it resulted in me becoming a workaholic and also holding women to a higher standard when it comes to deciding whether or not it's worth maintaining relationships with them.

It's pathetic to admit this, but I can forgive my male friends being losers (being unemployed or broke mooches, making misogynistic comments, etc.) while I break off relationships with women for the tiniest transgressions like having "cringeworthy" (??? I don't even fucking know what I consider "cringeworthy" anymore) interests. Most of my friendships with girls in elementary, middle, and high school ended because of catty teenage drama while my guy friends have stuck around. Now though, I'm realizing they only treat me with respect because they find me attractive and I tolerate them because I have no one else.

Where do I find female-only groups like >>183741 suggested? I've joined majority-female clubs at my college but the pandemic has complicated things. Should I try Bumble BFF or something?

No. 193577

I'm going to move into a ground floor apartment. I'm a little bit scared, I heard a lot of horror stories. Doesn't help that I will live there with just another girl. I wanna ask if any of you have ideas how I could make it safer? We have shutters I plan on closing every night. And you have to go through the garden to reach the front door, the front door leads directly to the apartment. And we will install a garden gate.

No. 193578

Non-white farmers who work with middle aged white people, how do you get comfortable and act around them? I want them to like me enough to make an impression on them, I'll do my best as my new job but personality-wise I can't think of any common grounds.

I promise this isn't racebait, I've just never spent time around middle class corporate white people and I'm nervous.

No. 193585

Small talk worked wonders for me. Start out talking about shit like the weather and work stuff, then ask them how their weekend/time off was and try to find out what their hobbies are, what music and films they like, etc. Then just talk to them about it, you probably won't meet anyone with much in common with you if there's an age gap but it shows them you care on a personal level and don't see them as an automaton. That's how I got friendly with my predominantly white colleagues. No close friends I see outside of work, but I don't dread seeing them at work either. It's a nice middle ground.

No. 193588

I get along better with white people that are lgbt, 1st/2nd gen immigrant, mentally ill, or are of poor/working class background. With white people that are none of these, it's harder. To be honest, I try to avoid those that are very …. white, you know. They come off as tonedeaf, buy into liberal feminism/etc. If I have to talk to people like them, I just try to be pleasant and talk about non-offensive things, like their dogs, the weather, and their possible weekend plans. That's all I really do. I don't try to be friends with them but I do try to be polite and interested and I think that's enough.

No. 193590

What helped me was accepting that women have differing interests just like everybody else. You’re not going to like everything they like, but that’s okay, As long as you are kind and they are kind, it’s easy. Participate in their parties, even if you have to leave early, invite women out of “girls nights” like watching a movie or grabbing drinks or baking something stupid. The glue that holds you together is the need to hang out with other women, cause I bet you the other gals feel the same way. I’ve been friends with women who like One Direction, women who are well read and prim (I’m not lol), and even women who we have nothing in common with. Imo seeking female-only groups is unneeded because you’re going to meet other ladies in life— they’re 50% of the population! Start with your workplace and make your own group.

No. 193623

File: 1624301008438.png (572.44 KB, 466x542, 12874307240345.png)

I used to be like you but I'm so actively repulsed by men and the filth beneath their exterior that I can't bear to interact with them more than necessary these days. I don't mean to sound rude, but maybe raise your standards and get comfortable doing your own thing for a while? "Alone" doesn't have to equal lonely. They say you're the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, so why hang around unemployed/broke misogynists? They're not improving your life. Better to spend that time on yourself. You might feel lonely temporarily since you're moving out of an existing "friend" group, but you won't have to endure stupid comments from scrotes and can take activities at your own pace. I have female friends now but I still like to do a good amount on my own. It's nice to enjoy your own company.

Bumble BFF was great for me and I met all types of women from artists to gym rats and geeks, but hearing other anons' experiences it sounds like that's not always the case (I'm about an hour away from a major city) so ymmv. You can also look on FB. I found a few "women of xx city" groups where younger women were looking to hang out if they'd recently moved, and it also had a good amount of female business owners (meet your high standards and give you ideas of places to visit). You can look for local women's book clubs or hiking groups. They may have a women-only gym in your area or at least some sort of women's "bootcamp" you can sign up for if you want something more fitness related. (Also yoga and dance classes tend to be predominantly female.) Even "male" stuff like gaming and self defense classes, look at their social media and see if they seem to have any female regulars. Check out r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy for some general ideas on improving the quality of your life and cultivating female friendships, there was actually a post related to this recently which has comments with more ideas you can use: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy/comments/o4bm66/i_get_really_sad_when_i_think_about_the_fact_that/

There are low quality, shitty people of both sexes, but the average woman is still a thousand times more valuable than the average man. You'll likely have to move through a few people before meeting someone you really click with, just like in dating, but it'll be more worthwhile and also break down your biases regarding women in the process.

No. 193625

How about treat them like individuals

No. 193662

Thank you! This is very helpful. I think I'm going to try attending game nights at one of my acquaintance's houses on a more regular basis. She might be moving across the country soon, but it's worth a try. Also, I think easing into this is a good strategy. Focusing on predominantly female spaces or just spaces with females in them is better than looking for female-only spaces right away.

Thank you, this is also extremely helpful. The reason I want to distance myself from my current group of friends is because my standards have upped significantly over the past 1.5-ish years. That's what binge-reading radfem theory will do to you, I guess. Definitely going to try prioritizing the gym and reading over watching shit movies and eating garbage with scrotes.

It's great to hear that you had a good experience with Bumble BFF! I also live in an area about 40 minutes away from a city. The only thing stopping me from trying it out is the possibility of people I'm no longer friends with judging me for being on there, but it's a relatively small worry. Also love the subreddit, that post resonated with me.

No. 193715

How do you convince yourself that you’re pretty without relying on men to confirm it? I fucking hate men and I hate I even care about this shit but when I was in high school I was 40 pounds heavier than I am now and had severe cystic acne and it was hell. I felt super isolated from my peers, nobody really wanted to talk to me, and I even was asked out by guys as a joke. I would spend weeks talking to a guy and getting to know him just for him to reveal it was just a joke or a dare he was doing with his friends. So now I have this stupid complex where even though I know I look pretty now it doesn’t mean anything unless a guy is complimenting me or hitting on me or something when most of the time I’m not even attracted to the guys that do it and I feel empty after anyways.

No. 193718

File: 1624340924999.jpg (751.46 KB, 1800x1200, GAC_LostInTranslation3.jpg)

Anons help handle this situation. I feel really ashamed of it. So about a year ago, I cut off my mother. We had a really strained relationship, she had no sense of boundaries and would dictate what I should do in my professional and personal life. I think I might have encouraged since I'm really undecisive and dependent by nature. I felt pretty ambivalent about cutting her off but looking back, it was a good decision - distance is exactly what we needed to reevaluate the relationship. In my self-imposed exile I was renting an apartment and also switched jobs, from which I was fired from after only 3 months. My savings were running out quickly and 80% of my unemployment benefits went to pay the rent. Because of a mixture of low self esteem and laziness I didn't look for a job for months, which made my savings dangerously low and I ended up ending my lease. I ended up reaching out to my mother. I had planned doing so for quite some time now. I obviously missed her and wanted to mend our relationship. She welcomed me, we had a tearful reunion and she's now letting me stay at an apartment she owns downtown and also helped with a couple of other things - she cooks me food among other things. I help with mowing her lawn and I visit her ex-husband in the hospital and bring him food and stuff like that.
So the thing I feel bad about is that my intention of reconnecting with her wasn't 100% emotional reasons, I was also secretly hoping that she would help financially and I'm pretty sure she suspects how low I am on money. I also lied about where I worked - I didn't tell her about the job I worked at for 3 months and I have a feeling she met one of my ex-coworkers who lives near her and told her what my situation is (but this is just a hunch). I also lied that I'm still on unemployment benefits even though I'm not (In my country, it gets cut off after 3 months and I've been unemployed for more than that). I don't want her to think that I only reconnected with her for selfish, financial reasons (and I think that's what she thinks now) but I cannot give her as much as she gives for me because I have no money. I'm looking for a job but getting no callbacks and I feel miserable. Should I address my lies and apologize? Should I keep lying? Am I a psychopath?

No. 193719

Also, how can I rebuild trust?

No. 193722

If you are worried about being a psychopath, that's a pretty clear sign your aren't one.
I don't know your mom and how she would react, but coming clean to her might be the best way?
"I hid the situation I am in because I wanted to rebuild our relationship without that baggage, but that's no longer possible as my finances have gotten more and more strained"?

No. 193728

Yeah, you should be honest with her. It's just the respectful thing to do, especially if you want to start rebuilding the relationship in any meaningful way. Don't ask her for money if you can survive without it, the fact she's allowing you to stay at her apartment presumably rent-free and feeding you is generous enough, and she offered that on her own. Just genuinely express that you were embarassed about your circumstances and didn't want to come across the wrong way, but you realized it was wrong to lie about it. That in itself will likely go a long way towards her trusting you. You can offer to pay her for the time you spend at her apartment once you have a job again, but considering her response so far it's likely she'll be understanding and just appreciate that you're trying to get back on your feet. I know job searches can be really disheartening but keep at, you'll eventually get something.

No. 193784

Received the news that my Nmom has cervical cancer and is not pursuing treatment.

We've had vlc for a lot of my life - she is undiagnosed/unmedicated bipolar with a penchant for heavy drinking. She started "competing" with me when I hit 10 and became very cruel as a pastime, and then stepped it up to emotional and eventually physical abuse. By 15 my psychiatrist would bring up that going nc was probably best for us but I didn't manage to go entirely nc until 2020 when she, a covid denier and nurse, got the whole family sick and landed 3 of us (myself included) in the hospital. She compared my disgust with her to HIV hysteria saying that I could've gotten AIDs from my brother by sharing a joint and that I wasn't making any deal about that so why am I mad at her - I finally realized that there would be no resolution and that I had to kill the very smallest part of me that remained that wished for a mother-daughter relationship. We weren't in each other's life for the most part - I'd say for the past 10 years we'd see each other maybe 2 or 3 times a year for lunch/shopping.

I don't think I can forgive her and her being on her deathbed doesn't really… I don't know. It didn't change anything for me. Instead I'm dreading my family's reaction to my decision to continue nc. They think I'm being ridiculous (despite 2 of my brothers having gone 5 and 10 years nc, and my 3rd brother 4 years.)

So ontop of losing a mom I never had, I'm causing rifts by not changing my mind. My brothers have all since reconciled with her a few years ago and they think I'm holding a grudge by not doing the same. I would remind them that I needed time and that they themselves have gone nc to help with their mental health.

But now I don't have time. Idk what I'm asking.

Should I go see her? Everywhere I look on Reddit has people saying no, it wasn't worth it for them. But those same people are also claiming most of their family are narcs which is.. sus to me as well. Anyone who claims a lot of people around them are narcs raises a red flag so I just don't feel like I can trust that advice.

I don't know if I'll regret not seeing her. I'm not sure what to do or think.

Sorry for the mostly-vent nonnies.

No. 193971

How do you reduce the level of friendship/contact you have with a person without them expecting you are doing it on purpose. How do I turn my gf's awful friends back into acquaintances that I just play cards with sometimes.

No. 193975

I've never seen a (good, healthy) relationship last where someone hates their partner's friends, and I'm pretty old. Are you sure you found the right woman for you?

No. 193979

Not hate anon, I just don't want to be at a level with this group where we exchange childhood trauma stories. There is very few times I ever even feel like talking about my shit, and I'm no good at supporting people I feel like aren't that close to me in their issues with their chronic illness/mental health/gender/housing/debt etc.

Basically, I have as the woman in the relationship (I mistyped 'bf') grown close to his friends circle since we share a hobby. The friends are kind and smart and interesting but we've developed a level of intimacy I wish I could undo. Does that make sense?

No. 193980

That's a lot anon. I think it should just depend on what you believe would be best for you. It's very unlikely she'll suddenly have a miraculous 180 degree turnaround (personality-wise) so if you do go see her you're aware that it likely won't be pleasant. Would it give you some sort of closure regardless? You've probably had to come to terms with a lot of that on your own, so maybe not. You're totally within your rights not to go and I personally wouldn't blame you, but like you said, it's up to you to determine if you might regret it for whatever reason.

No. 193985

Yes, that makes sense, I understand. I had a friend (that I also played cards with, what a coincidence) that was too personal like that with her traumatalk. It was too much and I ended distancing myself from her even though she's a great fun person.
If I were you I'd tell my bf the whole truth and ask him what's the best way to go about it since he knows both sides best.

No. 194090

How do I stop letting other people stop me from enjoying things? For whatever reason I'm drawn to things that are widely hated, considered bad or controversial. It's kind of hard to ignore other opinions since they're very common.

No. 194103

Hang out with other people that enjoy these things as it's impossible that you'd be the only one, like this you'll create that bubble around yourself that will shield you from the hateful rest of the world.

No. 194106

I'd say everyone has interests that could be seen as distasteful to someone else (or at least cringe). If someone gives you trouble for whatever it is you like, just write it off as your guilty pleasure or whatever. Personally, I'd just avoid bringing it up at all if it isnt around the right people like the other anon said.

Sometimes certain topics just need the right audience, nothing really wrong with you as a person/interests.

No. 194124

The underlying feeling is one of shame. Whenever I feel shame around something I ask myself if it's harming anyone. If it's not then it's useless shame. A feeling that we'd be better off reserving for actual harmful behaviours instead.

I think my religious upbringing is what got me practising that lol

No. 194143

Hi I'm 24 and when I was maybe 12 at the most? I think? I used to visit my grandpa and I remember I would do weird things around him.. Like show him my boobs.. I'm embarrassed just typing this because I know it sounds messed up. The thing is, I don't think he ever told my parents about it, and I never said anything about it or apologized, and now I don't know if he even still remembers it, or if he never stayed upset about it because I was a child, and I don't know if I should apologize because I feel like it's no good if he doesn't even remember it anymore, and maybe he only starts remembering it if I bring it up, and he's dying right now and I don't want to suddenly make him remember the weird shit I did to him 12-13 years ago.. Am I a horrible person it I don't visit him or apologize about this?

No. 194145

He should've scolded you and told you to never do that around him or other adults again. Why would he never say anything? And don't bring it up if it isn't affecting you emotionally.

No. 194147

I remember he got annoyed but I don't remember ever being scolded. It's only bothering me because I feel guilty and upset that I did this to him, but I don't want to make him feel bad if he doesn't even remember it anymore.

No. 194148

1. You were a literal child, don't blame yourself
2. If there's anyone to blame, it's your grandfather for not teaching you you shouldn't have been doing that.

I wouldn't bring it up if I were you, especially when you're not sure if he even remembers.

No. 194157

Visit but don't mention that

No. 194159

Anon, you were a child. Your grandpa probably didn't seriously scold you because children do silly things, and a child showing a family member her chest is not a sexual experience in most families. You have no reason to apologize for being childish when you were a child. Often times we look back on things we did as kids to get in trouble with adults, and don't realize that they weren't really as mad as we thought they were at the time, and most likely giggled with other family members about how crazy kids can be, or maybe sympathized with whatever you were going through. There is no need to bring it up unless it would make you feel better about it, and it sounds like you don't want to talk about it. It was hard for me to visit my grandparents when they were dying but I think it's really worth visiting before he passes. You don't have to talk about anything unpleasant. You don't have to talk about anything at all. You won't get a chance after he's gone. I really miss my grandparents and there was so much more I wanted to say before they passed, but I'm glad I visited them and like to think that that alone was enough to show them that I loved them.

No. 194161

I.. Remember I was doing it in a sexual way though.. Like I didn't want to have sex with him but I was joking around being sexy showing my boobs to him. Well I don't know if I was joking or "bullying" him or harassing him, I don't remember what my intentions were.. But I did like a little dance and whatever. I don't think I did anything worse than showing my boobs but that's the only thing I remember. I feel disgusted, I was a really strange child and not in a normal way, I was so messed up and somehow I turned out relatively normal now, haven't been diagnosed with anything besides anxiety and know how to behave.. I just feel so bad about my disgusting behavior, I think I sexually harassed him.. Who the fuck does that..

No. 194167

It's okay, anon. You were going through puberty which is a very confusing time for a lot of kids, and it's not uncommon for children to act out sexually during this time. Just remember that your grandpa went through puberty himself, saw his children go through puberty, and saw his grandchildren go through puberty, and probably had friends with children and grandchildren as well. Growing old doesn't necessarily make you smart or mean you will handle things the right way, but with age you inevitably become much more experienced with human experiences like puberty, sexuality, mental health issues, and even death, and you see things like this in a much different way when you are an old person versus when you were 12 or now when you're 24. You're still a baby to him even now. It's okay, he understands.

No. 194173

Thanks a lot for your kind words especially the last few. I just want to cry all the time from all the disgust and guilt that I'm feeling, I'll probably read the replies here a bunch of times whenever I feel bad again.. I'm still not sure if I should visit him or not because I don't know if he remembers and feels uncomfortable or something..

No. 194174

You may have just been trying to get a rise out of him because you were 12 and wanted to push some boundaries. Also you were probably new to having boobs, and were aware of and probably uncomfortable with the way your body was now being perceived. Like you did some growing, and now men treat you differently, and jokes about boobs make you self conscious. It's not completely unfathomable that you would test them out, so to speak, with someone you were safe with. But the point of the testing wasn't to seduce him, it was to make yourself okay with the new situation you found yourself in.
But anyway you don't need to apologise and you should visit him.

No. 194188

Why not talk to a therapist about this?

No. 194231

File: 1624614726316.jpg (272.65 KB, 949x594, 20210625_114521.jpg)

We are renovating the bathroom at home and the whole thing will take about a month. So no shower, toilet or anything for a whole month.

My brother will stay at his gf's place and my mother at the neighbours, but I have nowhere to go. I'm looking up hotels but shit is expensive for just one person and a whole month.

Tf do I do? I know I can use the bathroom at work but that's pretty much it. The gym has a shower but it's out of function. Guess I could get my hair washed at the salon or diy at home with some water but yea, the showering worries me. Not to mention it's summer.

No. 194232

Take up swimming and shower at the pool? Or switch to another gym temporarily? You can hire portable bathrooms including showers, but I'm not sure if you'd have enough space or if it would be too expensive.

No. 194233

None of these things are avalable where I live, even the gyms are somewhat uncommon. I'm from easter europe, so yea.

No. 194250

I've managed to improve my sleeping schedule to waking up 10am - 12pm but I'm stuck now. I want to push this to waking up at 7am but it's much more difficult. I try to go to bed sooner but I can't fall asleep earlier, and forcing myself to get up at 7 regardless of hours slept is difficult. Is there any method that worked for anons? Ideally nothing to do with all-nighters.

I'm going back to college (hopefully soon) and I want to sort this problem out myself before the semester starts.

No. 194257

Maybe ask at a homeless shelter if you could use their bathroom to shower? Or maybe you could fill bottles with water at public fountains and bring them home and use those to shower?

No. 194259

Samefag, or couldn't the neighbour take you in as well?

No. 194261

I have a male friend who said something weird when he was drunk and now I don't know if I can trust him anymore. For context, he called me after his gf broke up with him (we live in different cities and I suggested a phone call when he texted me about the breakup), and he'd also been drinking quite a bit. I'm going to skip the otherwise unremarkable post-breakup conversation and get right to the weird part. He and his ex were supposed to be renting an Air BnB together for a few days in my city to visit some of his other friends and me, but that plan fell through so we were discussing where he might be able to stay for a few days. After a few actual options, I offered the couch in my tiny student apartment as a joke/last resort. We laughed about it, and then he said something along the lines of "I couldn't stay with you because I find you really attractive and if we're drinking and talking about (intimate topic we've discussed before with no issue), I wouldn't be able to control myself." I honestly don't know what to think. This is a guy who is as far from the stereotypical shitty male as you can get and who's always been a good friend to me, and now I just don't feel safe around him anymore. Am I overreacting to a stupid drunk comment, or should I really be concerned?

No. 194262

he basically told you he's going to sexually assault you. block that scum. I could never feel safe around a man like that, no matter how many times he apologized.

No. 194263

It'd be best to avoid him. Even if it was just a tasteless joke or something

No. 194269

Vile. “If I get drunk I’ll rape you.” Thanks for the heads up bro, now never speak to me again. Distance yourself from this freak.

No. 194270

Listen to guys when they tell you the truth of how they are, and believe them.

No. 194278

Fuck, thanks for setting my head on straight anons. I messaged him one last time to tell him what he did was super fucked up and then I'm just going to ignore him because I really don't feel like any of his apologies are sincere. Good riddance, I guess.

No. 194365

This feels dumb, but how do I stop beating myself up so much over damaging/breaking stuff? I am pretty clumsy so I tend to damage things I like, but I literally feel so shitty about it for a couple days at least and I don’t think that’s normal. I don’t think I want to have my whole mood be awful because I dropped something or scratched it.

No. 194367

I'm the same way and actually dropped my phone and broke it a couple days ago, have been beating myself up for being such an idiot ever since.
So maybe I'm not the best person to give advice about this but basically I try to cope by laughing at myself and how clumsy I am instead of hating myself for it. Try to put it in perspective, 'it's just a material object, being clumsy isn't the most awful trait in the world, trying to replace the thing and be more careful from now on is all I can do', etc.
Also take it from me, don't procrastinate on buying the toughest phone case that even a toddler couldn't break as soon as you get a new phone

No. 194389

File: 1624721866316.jpg (49.45 KB, 1000x1000, 266579_1616955958.jpg)

I want to apply for a part-time job this summer because I want to finally have enough of my own money to build me a pc. The issue is that I've been in uni/grad school for the past five years and the last and only time I had a retail job was when I was in high school. I guess I'm sort of at a loss of what to put on my resume. I have a resume that I made for grad school/applying to internships that lists all of my internship, volunteer, and lab experience, but I'm not sure if any of that matters when I'm applying for a basic counter position at a cafe? Should I try focusing on what little retail experience I have or should I be trying to highlight certain skills? I'm too ashamed to ask any of my irl friends for advice because I know I'm going to sound really naive and privileged for not having to work retail while I was in collge.

No. 194391

Just accept that you're clumsy. There are probably people out there who are clumsier than you. Maybe you could also arrange things so you won't knock them down? For example from the edge of tables and nightstands and places like that

No. 194396

>Should I try focusing on what little retail experience I have or should I be trying to highlight certain skills?
Why not both? Anything that you can't spin into this position, leave it off.

No. 194400

You're overthinking it. Just put the retail or otherwise relevant experience you have on it and be done with it, it's retailwork they're not going to look that close lmao.

No. 194401

Maybe you can train yourself to become more aware of your body/what you're doing to avoid being so clumsy?

No. 194530

I'm going outside tomorrow to get the first vaccine and it's going to be hot, but it takes an hour to shave my legs and I don't really have that much time or energy today.. Do any of you ever just say fuck it and wear shorts or dresses in public with hairy legs? I know hair isn't dirty but I feel gross

No. 194534

is there a way to wear a burqa / niqab in a non religious way?
my body dysmorphia / social anxiety is to the point where i have not left my house in two weeks. i just want to cover everything & not be looked at so i can do grocery shopping without pussying out and running home. but i'm also worried that a burqa or niqab would attract even more attention, i've lived in my area for 10 yrs and in that time i've seen exactly two muslim women (both favoring the hijab) so it might end up being more noticeable.
i guess my real question is how do you attract the least amount of attention in public places? or how does anyone feel okay to leave their homes ever?

No. 194535

Please don't do that, it would be worse, find a therapist or a friend?

No. 194536

I shaved my legs a few days ago and put shorts on. I was only out a few hours and I saw the dotting on my legs where you could see hair ready to pop back in again.

I reshaved today, went out and sat in a park for a bit. Looked down to see the same thing happening but this time I at least had trousers on where I could pull them up or down. I pulled them down again. I'm at the point where every time I shave I get hours out of it and it never feels like the payoff is worth me having a whole ass hot bath and lathering up and all that jazz. I'm 30s so not new to shaving or lacking in the usual tips. It's like fighting a losing battle though. There's meant to be hair there and I'm fighting it and losing again within hours lol. Sometimes it's just more effort than it's worth and you only resent bending to the pressure. I'd rather just wear full length and not have to think about it.

No. 194537

I was never able to achieve smooth legs or arms, no matter what I do there will always be stubble, I bought an epilator but a lot of the hair just breaks off. I just wish I could wear short clothes while being hairy without feeling disgusting because I don't always have the time or energy to shave or epilate. Especially with an epilator which takes even longer but at least some of the hairs get pulled out then..

No. 194540

My hair grows super fast and this summer I've given up on being smooth all the time. I shave like twice a week because I'm just tired of it. Fuck it nonna, a bit of hair on your legs isn't anything to lose sleep over.

No. 194541

samefag, forgot to add I don't shave my arms at all. They're hairy like a man's but who gives a shit? Shaving arms is weird imo. My mom never allowed me to do it as a preteen and even though it sucked in middle school because children are dicks, I haven't given my hairy arms a second thought since then. I guess it was kinda like exposure therapy kek

No. 194542

my therapist quit a few months ago without warning and i still have 2 months on a waitlist for another one. i have very few friends.

No. 194574

>i guess my real question is how do you attract the least amount of attention in public places
Easy: dress and behave averagely and blend in. You can do that just by wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt or whatever the fashion is where you are. Any attention you think you might be drawing is probably entirely in your head. Don't forget that most people are self-centric, mostly focused on their selves, their own day and their own problems and you won't stand out to them amongst the sea of boring, average strangers on the street, in the supermarket etc. Think about it, assuming you're just the average person, what's so special or outstanding about you that they'd be looking at you? Especially when you're surrounded by other strangers who're equally boring and average? And think about it, who are the people that draw your attention in the public space? For me that's girls/women who're dolled up even though they're just doing grocery shopping or otherwise dressed alternatively or over the top or people who're loud or behave out of the social norm, not your average person in jeans just buying their dinner.

No. 194620

Try exfoliating before shaving.

No. 194626

mask and glasses

No. 194628

Same, dude! Fuck these Slavic genes, kek. I just shaved 'em today and they're all extra sensitive now. But, for you and >>194536 I highly, highly recommend sugaring. It's an ancient Persian hair removal technique that's like waxing, but nowhere near as painful. And you can make the stuff for like, 2 bucks (water, lemon, sugar).

No. 194630

Who do you girls like to watch for GTA RP? Lately I've been watching cops because it's so hard to jump in to criminal story arcs without knowing any of their backgrounds, normally I watch around this time of night

No. 194634

Nta but I could never figure out how to sugar. I always ended up with stuff that either wasn't sticky (enough) or I ended up burning myself.

No. 194637

How do I make my nose look smaller and my lips look bigger? I have a nose that's so bulbous it makes my smile look gruesome. My lips are so thin, but I feel like if my mouth was bigger and fuller it would even my nose out anyway.
Also anyone have any tips for reducing a Turkey gobble under your chin? These are the prime years of my life and I want to make myself up so I can feel like it

No. 194638

Contour your nose and slightly overline your lips. Not sure about the neck outside of plastic surgery.

No. 194645

My bad thought I was posting in /ot/, too late to delete. Please ignore this off topic-ness

No. 194793

File: 1624967510805.png (536.76 KB, 542x828, 1624828919563.png)

I'm fucking tired of mtfs or other gender mixed freaks on dating apl and discord.
The most annoying thing they reveal themselves as mtf when we start dating
I cant found cis lesbian anymore…what should i do femanons?

No. 194824

Alright I think I'm gonna regret using this comparison but I'm drawing a blank on other examples - I've fantasized about radically changing my appearance a la Felice Fawn and I think I'm ready to go all in. I'm not talking about ana-chan weight loss, though. She locked herself away and (arguably) developed a sense of fashion and an idea of what looks good on her/doesn't. Are there any anons that can recommend resources or insight for this kinda thing? I'm sort of a clean slate in the sense that I was raised by men and don't know much about maintaining physical appearance beyond the bare basics. So far I've learned about skin tones and what colors compliment them, names of different kind of jeans, stuff like that. I've joined a few fashion and skincare subreddits and I'm learning about which clothes look good on what body types. I just learned about Zara and H&M so Im thinking of starting there for some basics (haven't bought new clothes in 10 years, I don't know what brands are what now.) I also learned about exfoliating before shaving and then moisturizing after… Just to give y'all an idea of where I'm at regarding this stuff.

Any constructive tips and resources on my search for practical advice for cleaning up appearances? Esp with teeth? I've got a case of the yellows because of drinking/smoking/coffee so it's a big source of insecurity… Anything is helpful, I still feel like I'm really flying blind here. And to emphasize I'm not looking to lose weight/diet, so hopefully my FF reference doesn't throw anyone off. Thanks nonnies.

No. 194835

1. Buy a few staple items, nice jeans/skirts, a couple nice 'dressy' blouses, some tshirts vests etc. A neutral coloured dress.
These can then be mixed/matched with different accessories and keep going until you build a semblance of style, and how you like to look.
2. Don't underestimate haircuts, they keep you looking good, & feeling good.
3. Eyebrows (I personally think threading is the way to go as opposed to waxing)
4. Teeth I know a lot of people that bleach, I haven't but long story short my teeth are fucked, & not natural anymore. (Crowns, not dentures)
I know that staining can be dealt with in a dentists with a deep clean, in regards to preventign further staining use a straw with coffee wine etc.
5. The best weapon in your arsenal is someone who can be honest, don't surround yourself with yes men when asking how you look in something.

No. 194845

Don't go and try to change everything at once and buy a ton of new clothes. Take your time, evaluate what you have and buy your pieces over time (except maybe invest now in basics or what you find easy to pair with other clothes like a good pair of jeans or white shirt). What do you like and dislike about what you own right now? What would you like to add and what do you have a lot of? Basics for you might not be what other people consider basics if say you have that white tshirt but never wear it (unlike women who wear it with so many outfits). If you don't have an idea of what style or clothes you want joining subreddits is good, but maybe going straight to like pinterest, tumblr, insta to look at fashion inspiration pics might be helpful. I personally like watching people show their closet on youtube or declutter their closets as well. You mention body types so I'm not sure if that means you're looking into kibbe content, but that can be helpful in thinking about silhouettes you like and don't. Developing a style is just as much learning what you like as much as figuring out what you don't like the look of or isn't practical for you.

No. 194857

File: 1624994882799.jpg (98.86 KB, 720x960, D7zr32gW4AAhs9X.jpg)

How do you keep going in life when you have nothing worth living for? I have no SO, hardly any family or friends… All I do is work day in and day out at a job that I hate. I don't even have anything to spend the money on so it seems pointless. People look at me and think I'm so successful having my own place and job at such a young age but I'm miserable and I feel like I'm just drifting through life without purpose. There is nothing that I'm passionate at or good and nothing seems to bring me joy…. I keep living for the thought that "One day things will be better" but I don't know if that's true anymore.

No. 194863

from personal experience the only things that kept me going in the darkest times were my mum & nephew because I love them so much. If there's no people that can keep you grounded, can you not get a pet? ik it sounds stupid, but knowing that you have a responsibility for a living thing can work? doesn't even have to be high maintenence even fish like just clean the tank and feed them, and always remember that eventually with help you will not feel as bad as you do now. if your irl support system is shitty atm you know that we will be here for you

No. 194866

You find your own purpose, most ppl place their hopes and dreams in so's, friends, kids, jobs, pets, buying a house, traveling, etc. But most of them aren't truly fulfilled since those things rely on others and circumstances out of your control (like corona happening, you can't travel anymore, or pets/ppl dying). No matter how silly just try things and pick something. If you're in a truly bad spot then getting a pet does help.

Personally I'm working towards eventually having a homestead with wifi because that's the kind of life I like. What kind of life do you like? City, country? Travel or permanent? This country of another? In a close community or isolated? How much do you value a career, do you want to advance or just something to pay the bills? Do you want a family or just an SO? what kind of SO?

Figuring out these kinds of questions can help you narrow down what kind of life would fulfill you most.

No. 194871

I need help figuring out what to do with my life. I don't really care about work. I've never enjoyed any job I've had. The ease of working from a computer is nice but I would be interested in trying manual work or at least something to keep me on my feet. It depresses me to be chained to my desk all day. However, I feel like my family will look down on me because when I mention this they say I can't make a living that way, and that my degree (accounting) will have been for nothing. I don't even do accounting, I do data entry atm. I guess I would want to know if any farmers have experience in these kinds of jobs and what they would recommend? I think I'm a bit worried about the misogyny women face in trades. I'm also a lesbian. Not trying to victimize myself but I have experience in white collar jobs where I've been treated badly by men because of this, so a male-dominated blue collar field doesn't sound that much more appealing.

nta but I like the idea of homesteading, I've been reading more about it lately but I'm worried I'll just have to find another soul sucking job while homesteading because it will not pay the bills. Are you planning to work remote/part time/full time while homesteading?

No. 194880

Your accounting degree could help alot with having your own buisness and handling the finances. If there's any tradeswomen around I'm sure they'll be happy to get an apprentice. Men can get into trades by just doing classes and that's where they mostly try to beat down women. You can bypass that by becoming an apprentice. But yeah you still have to learn how to handle scrotes, sadly. But I think as you gain physical strength and skill that confidence will come naturally.

If you don't care for luxuries and don't mind the extra work (getting water from well, wood stove, make own stuff like soap, electricity from solar panel) you can get by using very little money after the initial investment.

I plan to have land for my own food (grow with permaculture so not much work involved), grow speciality spices for rich ppl/restaurants, and work remotely doing commisions. So even if one thing doesn't work out there's 2 or 1 other thing to sustain me.

No. 194881

i'm looking into getting my accounting degree – i'm in love with the music industry and hope to either be a personal accountant or work for a record label or s/t, salary be damned. Is there any interest you have that accounting can be applied to? Were you hired by one of the big 4 or did you go a different career route? I'd recommend finding a nonprofit you really care about because you'll be involved in more ways than just accounting but of course if you didn't go that direction for your career disregard that bit. Or are you wanting to step outside of it altogether?

If you're wanting a livable wage thean apply to your local union and learn a trade. I've got a firsthand account that the electrician trade is practically begging for women. Experience doesn't mean shit in a blue collar trade so long as you phrase it right: "I am a clean slate and there will be no bad habits for me to unlearn." will get you more job offers than you think. Brush up on trade vocab to show you have an active interest and boom, you're pretty much in.

But yeah you'll need a thick skin for blue collar trades. I personally don't mind them because it's a fun way to be a polite asshole and once you sharpen your tongue and give it back to them threefold, you'll get respect. But if banter isn't your thing then definitely avoid it. Some people take it too far and don't take kindly to women emasculating them in verbal spars.

No. 194884

This might be stupid, and take this with a grain of salt since I have no personal experience with it, but would hairdressing be an option for you? It just came to mind since it's the one trade I can think of where you'd have to deal with little to no male bullshit, since most of your coworkers and probably the vast majority of your customers would be other women. I guess it's not as high paying as something like an electrician, but if you get good at cutting/coloring and can snag a job at one of those fancy rich people salons you could probably make solid money (plus tips too, if tipping hairdressers is the norm where you live).

No. 194971

1. Start with identifying what body type you have and Google what cuts and shapes would look the most flattering on you
2. Try and figure out what your skin undertone is and find the color palette would look good on you
3. Identify your face shape and what makeup looks the best on you
Random resources that I think are good:
As for teeth, use whitening toothpastes or one of those at-home whitening kits. Hope this helps!

No. 194999

I legit have no idea if this is the right thread to ask in, but it's worth a shot. How do you know if you have some kind of mental illness or not? I have had insane problems with memory retention since I was a child in school. I couldn't for the life of me follow information and retain it as fast as other kids. I still passed with high grades at both school and university, I believe I can research and write well when I go at my own pace.
The problem is, every job I get into, the moment someone explains a concept or rule to me, I nod and then forget it almost instantly. I just started a new job at this tailoring company and I swear to god everything my manager tells me about how things work, I forget and then ask 3 more times about the same thing over the course of the week.
Am I retarded? Why have I always had this issue? Is it some autistic nonsense?

No. 195012

What you're describing is working memory issues, do some googling on executive function to understand it better.

I'm not gonna armchair but you're not "crazy" mentally ill you just have a deficit, sounds like it affects your life negatively. You can seek help for it, and there are meds and techniques that help.

I have ADHD and I notice my working memory is way worse when I'm stressed, so having a healthy lifestyle helps too. It could even be connected to trauma.

Ask for help anon, and don't be afraid to take your time to write things down at work. It's less annoying to ask your boss to slow down or repeat instructions than having to redo work because you didn't want to be a bother.

No. 195014

My notebook is already filled to the brim haha.
Thank you very much for your advice. You know, I've considered ADHD so much in my life, but I always dismiss it because I am a creative person who studies film history and loves art. But then I review myself once more and I notice how symptomatic of adhd I am. What are the core signs of having it in your opinion?

No. 195015

I should say, I know I can google all this shit. But it would be great to just hear it from an actual human and not a blog. I've also speculated if I have ocd as I've always had strange tendencies like flicking switches and overcleaning, picking my skin until I get sores and scars etc

No. 195019

you could have a learning disability? I got good grades in school but was awful at maths, everything felt like it went in 1 ear and out the other and I went until I was 24 before I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, which turned out affecting a lot of other things like sense of direction and timekeeping etc, as well as memory loss in a sense when it came to anything numerical, (or getting directions without landmarks)

No. 195037

I can relate to this, and my problem was that I concentrated more on appearing like I understood what I was told because I was afraid that asking questions would make me look stupid and I didn't want that. I also always struggled with staying focused and present. So it could be a lot of things, from psychological reasons I listed above (also, are you genuinely interested in the things they are trying to teach you? because that's important as well) to neurological stuff (ADHD)

No. 195038

Take this with a grain of salt because it's just my experience, everyone can present differently…
But to me and everyone I know with an ADHD diagnosis, it shows as being amazing at some things (often creative or technical) while being shit at life in general.
Like you could come up with an incredible idea really quickly and save the day at work, but little things like being on time, keeping the house clean, or proactively working on something boring feels IMPOSSIBLE.

No. 195044

Insurance is a nightmare and I want to cry. I don't make enough to qualify for anything other than medi-cal and I've been trying to get everything in place since December '20. They keep cancelling my appointments saying that they're not in office that day and scheduling me out! I haven't even gotten a check up yet!! My mom was just diagnosed with cervix cancer and I just want to get a PAP smear and a physical done. I realize these are separate services but I'm just about to say fuck it and use a credit card to pay out of pocket because I am SO tired of no one wanting to deal with medi-cal. Does anyone have any tips in navigating the health care market uninsured?

Will planned Parenthood accept me for obgyn services maybe? I have no clue what I'm doing anymore and I'm SO exhausted. I'm not trying to flail but everything is just so goddamn overwhelming trying to get healthcare without going into major debt.

No. 195051

I don't know whether they offer the services you need, but PP is for uninsured women with low incomes. If you make very little money and don't have insurance, most of their services will be free.

No. 195053

Yes, definitely check with Planned Parenthood. I'm on Medicaid and didn't pay anything for a cervical exam with them. Also, CVS pharmacies have those minute clinics that offer physicals, blood work tests, etc. so maybe check with them and see what they'd charge you out of pocket for a basic physical? They probably won't jerk you around with scheduling like a doctor's office, and I think they're pretty inexpensive.

No. 195085

Thirding PP, I went for a Pap when I was in the position you're in now and they were really helpful. Sorry about your mom, anon, that's such a shit thing to deal with on top of this crap. Whatever questions you have about your health, ask them–HPV vaccine, navigating insurance bs, etc. I ended up getting great care, but I wish it hadn't taken me multiple visits to actually build up the courage to ask all the questions I had. Figuring out insurance is so shit and so hard, but there's more help than you might realize around you best found through asking questions at places like PP that are familiar with the spot you're in.

No. 195386

Due to personal circumstances and covid I missed a lot of classes the past two school years. Although I fortunately graduated fine, I dislike the poor education I received and subsequent gap in knowledge. I really love mathematics and lament the many things I don't fully grasp about it. How could I still teach myself these things in my personal life? What books or websites are good? I'm honestly kind of sad I graduated because of this. It is ungrateful, but I was really looking forward to the intensive training I was going to receive. So please share with me any resources so I can still learn mathematics at a satisfactory level

No. 195396

File: 1625218054921.jpg (47.42 KB, 500x385, 1624547252035.jpg)

Anons… should I even bother dating as a loser?

Long story short, I was a naive girl and molded a lot of my life to accomodate my now ex, planned and was working to move in with him, then when things got serious he dumped me and I lost 6 years of my life. All gone.

Spent the last 4 years rebuilding my mental health and finding out who I was… but I'm still a fucking loser at 25. I have no friends, family, car, decent job or education. I feel like that's too many red flags for a person even tho I'm slowly working towards changing all this. I'm happy single so I'm not desperate but having a partner would be nice.

No. 195402

anons I have a job interview today for a really cool arts and crafts cafe. I wasn't really expecting to get an interview because job applications are so oversaturated, but I really want to do well. I love making art and I have a lot of hospitality experience, but I'm scared my nerves will get the better of me. How do I keep calm and showcase my friendly personality whilst also giving decent interview answers?

No. 195405

Seconding this. I'm unemployed rn and I feel like men would just think that I want to depend on them financially

No. 195418

smile and don't be afraid to make a mistake, they won't hold it against you. I you know you have the skills to do the role then try not to worry.

No. 195428

yes, put off dating and try making some friends or getting a better job first. you don't want to be in a vulnerable position.

No. 195429

Wow, I really didn't think of it that way. Really puts things into a different perspective, thanks

No. 195431

File: 1625240910712.jpg (68.69 KB, 476x559, 4c247a9c7f66ba34552cbdf30329ae…)

How can I become more open and not be afraid of intimacy? Every time I'm asked something in a social situation it feels so intrusive and I want to just make some shit up so they won't actually get to know me. I KNOW that this stems from my massive fear of intimacy but how the fuck do I get over it

No. 195438

What kind of social situations? Please be aware that 99.99% of the time when people are talking about themselves, they're not giving away truly private info but just showing an image.
Everything from "it's none of your business" to "I'm not comfortable talking about that now" works for getting them off your back if you don't want to play that game.

No. 195442

lol any kind of social situation. In my French lesson today for example my teacher asked me to talk about my experiences growing up (what was I like as a kid, as a teenager, etc.) and it was like pulling teeth. But I also feel this way on dates or meeting people I don't know very well. I just hate feeling vulnerable I guess

No. 195444

Everybody does. They just build up their image to protect them. There is nothing wrong with your feelings.

No. 195446

Something that helped me is determining what I am and am not comfortable discussing ahead of social interaction. Use your logic here. Talking about some of your hobbies as a kid, what sort of interests you had, what you liked/disliked in school is not really going to leave you open to any sort of psychological attack and pretty harmless. Sharing problems you struggled with during that time, trauma, things that damaged your self esteem, are obviously more personal and not something a stranger needs to know. By thinking about these things you'll have a list of "approved topics" you can easily draw from and feel better about discussing without feeling like you'll regret it later.

No. 195471

How do you poop comfortably at someone else's house? At home I like to take my time for number two, but I obviously can't do this when I'm having a sleepover at someone's house, so I usually just don't go at all and end up constipated. What can I do to prevent constipation and go to the bathroom in a foreign house comfortably?

No. 195476

Everyone poops, this is not weird or abnormal. Every time I feel in any way uncomfortable or anxious I remind myself of that, there's no reason to hold back just because you're at somebody else's house. You'll flush and there will be no sign of it anyway.

No. 195482

shout updates about how big it is through the door so your friend will feel included

No. 195517

Nonita, I swear I saw this in another thread and I wish I could properly help. I’m terrible at math so.. but I would say build up from absolute basics that even feel obvious, because there’s always some foundational knowledge I take for granted. That may apply to any math, but it’s especially helpful in algebra. Most popular math websites take you through this progression.

3Blue1Brown is an amazing youtube channel that has lots of interesting topics, and it’s easy to follow. Since I’m at toddler level with my math, I would kinda be at a loss. I used to obsess over fractals and his video is really good, even if I couldn’t grasp the complex shit. Since you have an interest in math you will probably fare better.

Maybe you can find pdfs of textbooks, since they usually have obscene amounts of problems to do, and have the answers so you can see if you’re on the right track. My mom is a mathfag and would enjoy doing problems/questions the most out of anything.

No. 195535

I line the bowl with some extra toilet paper to prevent the splashing noise, and I just make sure to go when I really need to so it'll be as quick as possible. Shut the lid when you're done and maybe take perfume in with you if you're super self conscious. but even if your friends know you were pooping it would make them look pretty weird if they were fixated on what you did in the toilet, so they won't say anything.

No. 195539

Just take a shit m8

No. 195542

thanks for the advice, I ended up getting a trial shift so it clearly went well!

No. 195548

You should check out z library (https://b-ok.cc/) for free digital books. You can make an account for free to get 10 books in different file types, along with an additional 10 more if you link it to a telegram account. They have books for varying levels of education, including books from elementary up to an expert level, so you can find almost anything you're curious about if you use proper key words.

No. 195550

It's funny because the first thing I think about when I share my likes and dislikes is that they are gonna criticize them. I guess I should just try and trust people more

No. 195556

You can get books for free on library genesis (libgen.rs) too

No. 195565

Try your school's/uni's library (assuming you have one), you can read whatever you want from a quality selection of books for free. Check if there's a digital library you can lend ebooks from too.

No. 196100

Do any anons have advice for getting over an internet addiction? I don't have a phone or anything, just a laptop, but it's still pretty severe. I've been able to reduce my time on a handful of sites, but I keep replacing them with other timewasting websites. I want to be more productive in my irl hobbies and this is really getting in the way.

No. 196210

How can I be less critical of others?

No. 196216

How do you fix your life when you're poor and live in a village?

I have no koney for education, car or moving away. I can't even get a loan thanks to my shit job. I'm just walking in circles for the last 6 years and I'm stuck and honest to god don't see a way out.

I'm trying to learn front end web dev stuff but it also feels like I'm going in circles. How do I stop being fucking poor

No. 196244

I feel weird asking this but is it a red flag if I tell a doctor first thing that I'm NOT seeking pain medication? I have a lot of issues with my neck/back/jaw and I really want to find out if there's something going on but I don't know exactly how to press for further treatment without looking like I'm pill seeking. I don't like/take pain medication but whenever my neck pain gets brought up they start to act all weird and throw out vague suggestions like it might be my pillow. It didn't click that they probably thought I was a pillhead. Same thing happened when I went to the dentist for tooth pain. I told them I have TMJ and a bunch of my teeth are chipped/cracked and in pain because of it. I was fully expecting them to say "ok you'll need a crown and this and that" but instead the dentist denied seeing any cracks and essentially shooed me out of their office, saying that I should go to the Dr for TMJ, not a dentist. I'm kinda wondering if they thought I wanted something for the pain and there was a miscommunication.

No. 196268

If you casually mention it that xyz including pills didn't work and that you want it to be looked more into then it should be fine. Coming in and instantly talking about pills would just be odd.

No. 196273

Thats the opposite of a red flag for a doctor

No. 196277

I have back pain and the one time I went into an appt and said look I'm really not looking for any prescriptions I just want a referral to find the cause… I got talked down to like a child with a fear of swallowing pills? It was a bizarre interaction that still makes me cringe to this day. It was also a stand in doc rather than my usual doc but I've heard other people say that some docs just react badly to any sign that you're trying to lead the appointment in one direction rather than letting them lead. Or if you walk in and have essentially pre-diagnosed yourself they hate that.

People in some of the highest IQ careers still have misunderstandings and bad days and awful moods. It is strange that the dentist didn't see anything though. Are you a paying patient or on a government paid medical card scheme?

No. 196286

I'm on medi-cal, it was 100% insurance discrimination. Honestly I left in tears because it was such an awful experience (including her yelling "you don't have insurance?! This will all be out of pocket!!") Even though her staff gave me written and verbal confirmation that they participate with medi-cal. Then she forced me to produce my ID to show her (which, again, staff already took my details down) before she would proceed. I actually have an appointment tomorrow because I found a dentist office near me that has their own in-house insurance so I'm just going to drop my savings into my teeth because I can't keep putting this off. Medi-cal discrimination is too much.

And thanks, that makes sense. I've had the whole "talk down" for not wanting prescription pain meds too and it's just like…c'mon. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong, not take a pill that will only address my pain. But if I start off with "I don't want pain meds" it just feels weird.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm fine with pain, don't want the meds for it. But mentioning pain in any medical setting can get real weird real quick and I've faced that more often than not.

No. 196383

How do I peacefully go about telling my roommate that they need to find a new place to live within the next two months because I'm having my boyfriend move in? They're not on the lease and refused to sign it when I gave them the opportunity so I know I can legally tell them to leave especially with notice. I'm just more worried because they get extremely depressed, angry, and anxious over the smallest things. Like they freaked out on me when they found out I had a boyfriend and it made them anxious for days for reasons they wouldn't tell me… I know they have a family home to go back to that's rent free and safe, even if they couldn't find a new place.

No. 196385

File: 1625558385494.png (228.89 KB, 640x480, fsbdmn.png)

It's so hard for me to make friends. I've gotten so used to being lonely. I don't get along with most people. I wish I did. Me being bad at socializing exacerbates the problem. I have autism as well which I sometimes feel outcasts me more. It's very hard for me to like someone enough to continuously speak to them/end up with a meaningful friendship. I don't want to be a mean girl that doesn't like anybody… I wish I could get along with people more. It feels like I just don't click with most people the people i've met so far. I know there's people out there I'd get along with but how on earth do I meet people like me around me? I don't understand where or how I can make friends? Where do I look to find them?

No. 196386

I'm in the exact same situation. Never had friends and never will.

No. 196389

Christ I'm dealing with the same shit but I guess I'm plain unlikable.

Get a group hobby or do something you like in a group setting, like traveling or classes or some crap. Then you try to talk to people and if all goes well ask them for their socials or for a drink, whichever.

It's difficult af because even at these places people bring their friends so yea, good luck.

No. 196402

How to really make friends:
Have a lot of intuition and self respect. Don't try to be funny on purpose. Socialization skills don't matter much if you are nice and confident and if you force them it will look stupid so just talk to people the most natural way you can. Natural to you, of course.
Have hobbies, search people within hobby clubs and try to see who you vibe the most with. Get to know people with similar interests. Use the bff feature from bumble. If someone feels "off" don't excuse their behaivor just because you're friendless. Move on and try to find someone else. Don't attatch too quick because people can be assholes. Beware of the people who lovebomb you.
Not everyone who has similar interests to you will be good enough to be your friend, it's okay to be selective. Say, you like anime, but there's a ton of people who like shitty waifushit. Your tastes don't have to align perfectly but it's also annoying if you're not in the same communication channel.
It's okay to give second chances, but not thirds. It's okay to say no. Some people might look "perfect" for you but things sometimes just don't happen and that's okay. It's trial and error. Be sure you feel relaxed and calm yourself when you feel like it's turning overwhelming. Being relaxed is a big part of confidence. Find a past-time that makes you feel relaxed and confident and bond over that. Most people don't care if you are a little awkward and I assure you they will be a little awkward too. If they are nice people they will help and understand you, if not then maybe they're not worth your time.
Some people are draining and it's okay to have firm boundaries or outright cut them off, think of your own well being first.
It's okay if frienships don't happen overnight, everyone is different. Be sure the other person puts the same time and energy into the friendship as you do. Don't make them stay if they want to leave, bless them and let them go their merry way.
Try to think possitively about yourself, maybe you don't realize it but other people want to be friends with you too. Fear attracts fear. If you truly want friends you will get them some way or another but you have to be open to it.
Every friend is different, the things you talk with a friend might vary and be completely opposite to what you talk to another. It's completely doable to have both nerdy and normie friends. Sometimes you could even consider it healthy for many reasons. You don't have to belong to a tribe, but people from your same enviorment might be easier to handle. If you are artistic, get artistic friends. If you are sportsy, get sportsy friends. As long as your morals and values align, and their personality goes well with yours, whatever else is just complementary.
Good luck.

No. 196403

In need of some brutally honest advice.
I met a guy who has a decent sized online following, and because of this he's a really private person. When I first met him as friends he was hesitant about telling me personal information, but did mention he was 20. I turned 24 in May. I've spent the past month catching feelings for him even though I felt weird about the age gap, he's just like my ideal guy.
However, I just found out he's actually 19 and he had forgotten he had lied about being 20 when we first met. I felt like a creep for being a 24 year old woman hitting on a 19 year old, and now things are weird even though he doesn't think the age gap is a big deal. What are your thoughts? Is the gap weird?

No. 196404

Nah, the gap isn't that weird as long as you don't act as a creep or a groomer. Just be sure you're okay with him being younger.

No. 196406

The age gap is in a grey area imo. There's room there for him to be a mature 19 or an immature one, really depends on that. What is worrying is that he was so quick to lie to you though (also points to him not being mature) A 19 year old with a decent online following, very private and has already lied to you… I would worry about getting played.

No. 196418

None of these things will work for an ugly woman.
Men only want to talk to women they find fuckable. Women want to talk about boys and makeup with their friends, and obviously they can't talk about these things with a permavirgin ugly girl.
If you are an ugly woman better forget about having a social life.
The only chance of making friends is if in the future they make ai companions or robot partners.

No. 196465

Woah, woah. This is the advice thread. You sound bitter and young af because that's not how the world works outside of 18-21 and even then it depends on who you surround yourself with. Are you a scrote or does that attitude follow you offline, making you friendless?

>>196402 this advice is quality. 100% this.

No. 196621

I'm almost 25 and I was preparing my twitch to become a virtual streamer/anime char streamer. However realistically I need a new pc first and I feel like by the time I can start streaming I'm gonna be 25 or 26 and I'm way too old to be playing an anime char. I'm immature in general and I feel like this would be a silly embarrassing thing to do. What do I do? I did design my character to be a little more mature looking, she has bear ears but she's wearing a pretty mature outfit, even though I think that looks less fun than the more colorful/unique outfits.. But I already commissioned people for art so I guess I'm stuck using this outfit :')

No. 196622

You don't need to disclose your age to anyone, why would it matter? If you feel immature now you'll not suddenly become mature next year or two either.

No. 196623

Just lie and say you (or your character) are 18/19

No. 196638

You sound like a scrote, if you’re not, you should reflect on that.

No. 196672

enjoy being around 15yos

No. 196732

File: 1625690745060.png (100.52 KB, 900x411, 1615544024441.png)

>Women want to talk about boys and makeup
lmao this was written by a scrote or a tranny so a scrote either way

No. 196737

File: 1625692730806.jpeg (62.05 KB, 1200x645, 5586E776-F24C-487B-A1AE-1F7B32…)

This happened awhile ago but I wanted some second opinions as it’s on my mind recently. A few years ago when I was living with my “best friend” turned roommate we had a small party where I got extremely blackout drunk. I literally cannot remember a single thing from that night. Apparently I basically completely stripped down and gave a big show and basically masturbated for everyone as well as kissed a few people, one of whom was in a relationship at the time. I was single at the time if that’s relevant I woke up the next morning and her boyfriend was extremely mad at me even though I genuinely don’t remember kissing her. My friends were drunk but were nowhere near as fucked up as I was. I kind of brushed it off as me being a slur at the time but now that’s it’s on my mind again I really feel like my friends took advantage of me in a way? I know my “best friend” had a crush on me at the time and it seemed like she took an opportunity to get me to do things that night. I don’t talk to any of these people anymore.

Am I overreacting? I also don’t get super drunk anymore because of this night.

No. 196746

You definitely aren't overreacting, if I was at a party where my friend was noticeably drunk and exposing herself like that my immediate instinct would be to cover her up and get her home safely and it's fucked up that nobody seemed to do that for you but instead took advantage of you when you were clearly impaired. It sounds like you were in no condition to consent to anything that happened if you can't even remember the night. I'm really sorry that happened to you and I sincerely hope you have better friends in your life now.

No. 196749

thats a completely valid response anon what they did is so fucked up why would they allow it to go on the hell..your friends supposed to look after you and protect you from doing stupid shit when you're too intoxicated and vulnerable. He has no right to be mad at you he should be mad at your friends for not taking care of you. I'm sorry you had to go through that, you should definitely have higher standards for your friends don't put up with shitty people.

No. 196754

Not seeking advice, I just think this inquiry is too horny for /ot/ and doesn't fit anywhere else.
Has anyone here ever slept with brothers? any takeaways? Need to know for my maladaptive sex daydreams

No. 196763

I'm kinkshaming

No. 196767

not at the same time I mean, should have clarified

No. 196896

I want some actual serious advice on getting more women to feel more comfortable around me since i've been recovering from my so-called "tomboy with mostly male friends" phase and starting to open up to female friendship. my only true hurdle is maintaining such platonic relationships even with a literal pandemic still happening. I have a lot to learn when it comes to empathizing with others and may not share the same relational status or even age compared to some of you guys, but I can try.

No. 196902

Nonnie, i really hope your a scrote. Because if your a woman that's just fucking depressing.

No. 196936

File: 1625762179225.jpg (29.72 KB, 360x640, 117175525_4323952400980528_342…)

Easy steps to make female friends, from a fellow former "lol I only have guy friends bc no drama" dum-dum:
1. Listen and ask them about themselves
2. Go and do stuff with them

No. 197092

How do I start giving myself credit for things? I got my grades back for my whole course and they're way better than I expected, and my first thought was 'oh it must be a mistake', checked that it's not a mistake, now I feel nothing. It's going to be embarrassing to tell people about it and I don't know why, I might just avoid it. Its like I'm looking for all these reasons to dismiss or undermine my hard work and I do this with everything.

No. 197204

File: 1625892155843.jpg (32.16 KB, 562x780, 6a09p8oahe471.jpg)

Everytime I try to be girly and force myself out of my introvert tomboy shell (think, no makeup, fear of wearing anything even slightly revealing, feminine clothes (skirts, dresses, etc.) I feel like complete and utter shit.

I start thinking negative thoughts: I look ugly, I have nasty legs, knees, no figure, what am I doing if I can't even dress like a proper woman, why even try, etc.

If I manage to get myself past the mirror disgust, I just end up covering up when I go out, or rushing home and changing back to my norm of sweatpants and shirt. FFS I even have this stupid fear that guys are staring at me and remarking about how much of a loser I am.

Does/did anyone ever deal with this? Tips?

…I'm working on the shit self esteem too. I'm going to college soon and I really don't want to be the meek, self-hating little girl anymore.

No. 197209

The term feminine is one that I despise because it's so restrictive and arbitrary. You don't need to wear tight, revealing, "feminine" clothes if they make you uncomfortable or not like yourself. Being "feminine" is one of the biggest lies sold to women by society. Why couldn't you choose to break out of your introversion without choosing to wear clothes that give you anxiety?

No. 197214

It sounds like in your head you're conflating being girly & dressing femininely with becoming confident and extroverted.
Not to be harsh but the reason you feel ridiculous in "revealing, feminine clothes" is because such clothing is, inherently, degrading. Men do not walk around with booty shorts and drop necklines and shirts that show their belly because doing so is humiliating. The "average" woman has just been trained from a young age to be used to wearing humiliating clothing. There's no other way to describe things like high heels, whose only purpose is to make you unsteady ("dainty") on your feet and make your butt "look good", or skirts where you have to constantly beware of accidentally flashing your underwear, etc.
>does/did anyone ever deal with this?
Yeah, when I was 16-17 I went through this same phase of believing I had to start dressing "like a real woman" in order to show I was serious and not a geeky immature loser. I went out and bought a ton of dresses and skirts second hand, even though when I tried them on in-store my gut reaction was "this feels weird and wrong". Wore them to a couple social gatherings and felt like a piece of meat on display the whole time (because I was, that shit is revealing and form-fitting) not to mention being physically uncomfortable and immobile from the shoes and the skin tight fabric and not being able to touch my face all day because of my makeup. Idk what happened but one day I woke up and was like "hang on, this is bullshit, i'm not 'immature' for not wanting to wear this crap" and haven't touched any of it again since.
saw your reply while writing mine and I agree 100%. Go out and work on your confidence and social skills while wearing clothing that makes you comfortable. As long as you're not dressing like a complete unwashed slob and are clean, there's nothing wrong with dressing comfortably and casually. How often do you see everyday men wearing outfits that look physically uncomfortable? I digress.

No. 197217

you are right in general, but op doesn't even sound like she wants to wear ridiculously sexualized clothes. her problem is incredibly low self-esteem, not being memed into walking around dressed like a hooker.

No. 197220

almost all modern western feminine clothing is sexualized. hooker garb is just the extreme end of it

No. 197223

File: 1625900348721.jpg (71.96 KB, 736x1102, 39afc090695e1b0315cb342445a2c8…)

Good point. I dunno though, it just feels odd that I should have this much hesitation/fear around being somewhat traditionally feminine. I want to, but at the same time, I don't. But yeah, I'll keep working on my introversion, thanks anon.

Tbf like the other anon said I'm not trying to specifically wear overtly revealing clothes; I find that kind of dress unappealing anyway. Pic attached is kinda like what I'm trying to at least branch into. But what you describe feeling is exactly how I feel wearing things considered traditionally feminine, even as tame as pic attached.

But fair point.. i also see traditionally feminine things, outside of skincare, as a total waste of time (cuz i cant do it properly lol). I'll try the teensiest bit of eyeliner and feel stupid 5 minutes after. I hate shopping, etc. I guess it shouldnt make me feel less like a female, but teen girls on instagram sure do make me feel a helluva lot inadequate.

Working out is a good idea though, and I'm working on it! Trying to.

I just dont wanna stick out like a sore thumb in a southern conservative uni.

No. 197227

I have nothing to contribute other than picrel style is cute and I'm trying to achieve the same thing

No. 197240

>It sounds like in your head you're conflating being girly & dressing femininely with becoming confident and extroverted.
>Why couldn't you choose to break out of your introversion without choosing to wear clothes that give you anxiety?
NTA Are you saying give up your style even if you really like it? I mean I really like how the clothes look on other women except I feel humiliated in them, and I don't understand how those women can wear them when in my case it's so uncomfortable.

I always put my humiliation in feminine clothes down to low self-esteem too. I've tried to push past it my entire life and can't so I ended up thinking "I'm just not thin or pretty enough, I have to improve my appearance and then I'll look good and feel fine, this is my fault" but I was basically objectifying myself to suit the clothes. Even after "improving", wearing them just made me feel even more sexualised outside. Popular feminism tells women ignoring any discomfort is empowering and a way of taking control, it's confidence - if you disagree then oh, it's because you're ugly, insecure, a misogynist who looks down on femininity, you let men force you to cover up, or you must be manly. Such a mindfuck.

No. 197307

One of the anons you responded to and I think you answered your own question.

No. 197477

What to do in the following situation?: I recently realized that in my previous group of friends I built out a very specific dynamic. I had really low self esteem and I guess I was radiating energies of self-doubt that was picked up by my friends and they effectively 'mothered' me and erased my doubts. It was essentially a very uneven, codependent relationship, but in a friendship setting. I behaved like a child, expecting them to take care of my needs and gave not much in return because of my non existent self esteem I felt like I had nothing to give. I cut these friends off and did a lot of self-reflection,I also grew more confident and realized what I was doing wrong. I'm thinking about getting in contact with them again but I'm afraid that the old patterns will kick back in and they are gonna treat me like a child. How can I prevent this from happening? And btw I know I sound like a toxic person, I'm working on it

No. 197483

Nervous to post this , just to preface.. I have never been a girl for casual hookups. I have just been too insecure and emotional for them. I thought I would try it for a bit. Met 2 guys off bumble. I honestly didn't really like the 1st one but I fucked him anyway. Then for some reason I caught feelings? He really didn't give me the time of day so I got over it pretty fast. The 2nd guy is proving more difficult. We haven't even met in person yet or had sex but I feel myself already getting a crush. We have talked almost all day everyday for a week or two now. I know he isn't the type for a relationship so it's really hard for me. I don't want to crush on him. We barely even talk in a normal manner. It's mostly sexting. I'm writing this to ask for advice on how I can separate sex from deeper emotions. Or any advice on what I should do at all. I have this weirdo need to lock him down because I know he's slutty. It's maddening.

No. 197484

I changed my style by taking baby steps. First I bought second hand skirts (many different cuts and length but no miniskirt) and I tried them with the clothes I already had. No girly color, only grey, black, navy… I wore them at least twice a week. When I got more comfortable I added some color. Then I worked on the tops, and changed my tee shirt for blouses or "feminine" teeshirts. When I felt OK with everything, I thought of colors and chose 3 basic color (navy, cream and burgundy) and few accent color (red, light blue, light brown-golden and light pink). I have a few pieces that don't match this color chart but I mostly follow it. I took the time to figure out what I liked (love plain bottoms and patterned top, embroidered shoes with low heels, no earrings, no black).
Now I only wear colorful long skirt because I hate the feeling of wearing pants (and pigs staring), but dislike showing too much skin. It took me 3 years to figure out my style and it will change a little more every year. So don't worry and just take it slow. Take the time to figure out the cuts and color you like. Don't buy too much, maybe 2 pieces a month (second hand is better in the beginning). Sell/throw away what you don't want to wear again ( I sold or threw away all my joggings and ugly sweater) . Dress up even at home, but if it's too uncomfortable don't bother trying to wear it outside. Good luck anon!

No. 197496

This is kinda silly and embarrassing lol but I think I got ghosted by my plug/dealer and as the completely newbie I am with this kind of stuff I don’t know what to do… She is legit the only person I know, I’m awful with this kind of thing. Basically she sold me stuff about a month ago and everything went absolutely well, but some 5 days ago I texted her again asking if she was free this weekend and blah blah blah, now it’s Monday and still no sign of life. I don’t know if she just didn’t see my text or I did something wrong/am the kind of person she doesn’t want as a client anymore so I’m really hesitant, I’m seriously thinking about sending another text to make sure but I don’t know what I should say! Or if I even should contact her again at all because I really don’t wanna be an annoyance T-T

No. 197504

I can relate to this, even though I've never been a tomboy. Like every time I put a dress or a skirt on or even a top that shows cleavage, there's this feeling of extreme vulnerability. I feel 'safer' in pants and shirts that cover everything. And I've literally always had this, since I was a kid. Mind you I never been assaulted or anything like that, I have no idea where it comes from

No. 197514

Feel like this is somewhat related to what you're saying. I've been experimenting with different hairstyles to wear so that my hair is out of my face during the summer. I really like following tutorials on Youtube rather than just throwing my hair into a ponytail and calling it a day, but then I always get too self-conscious to wear these hairstyles in public. It's not like I'm doing anything crazy either and I personally think they look really cute, but I'm just really self-conscious of people looking at me even if it's to compliment me. Don't know how to work my way up to being comfortable with this shit, but I agree with you that the root of the problem is definitely self-esteem.

However, I will say that if you're nervous about people internally judging you for what you're wearing I promise that no one cares enough to single you out for how you look unless you're wearing something really outrageous. You aren't ugly, but you probably just aren't used to seeing yourself in 'girly' clothes, which is why you think it looks weird. I also second what other anons are saying. Don't feel pressured to dress a certain way because it's how a 'proper' woman would dress. I'm not sure where you're from, but I remember when I was in college (which wasn't that long ago kek) most girls didn't dress stereotypically 'girly'- not even the ones who were pretty fashionable.

No. 197516

File: 1626101024610.jpg (59.51 KB, 728x725, 45082.jpg)

Is it a bad idea to apologize to my ex 2 years later? Hear me out: he's been subtly contacting me (anonymously, but it's unmistakably him) and I vaguely responded but I don't want to lead him on or make him think I'm wide open for him to mess with me. I want to be mature and neutralize the interaction as much as possible–everyone (including himself) is convinced that he sucked ass but I honestly was displaying some uncharacteristically BPD behavior during the breakdown of our relationship because I was having trouble processing/coping with being raped while studying abroad and I didn't tell him and if he's trying to signal that he isn't over things or feels bad, I want to shut it down asap.

He's the kind of person that loves brooding and lamenting his failures so I'm worried he'll go on thinking he ruined things between us (and make the same mistakes with the next girl) when really I was just nuts. I was his first gf (I was 21 and he was 25) and I feel responsible for him even though I typically have a strict "I am not your mother" policy with men. Ugh I don't know what to do, maybe he's totally fine and I'm just being insane.

No. 197518

Samefag, I think it's because it attracts more male attention, and also because feminine clothes are literally made to make you feel unstable and uncomfortable (heels, skirts that can show your underwear, see through tops, etc).

No. 197525

Do you live in an area where your DOC is illegal? How illegal is it? You may have put off red flags that made them ghost you. Especially if you're a newbie.

Sage for blogpost but I knew someone who turned down dealing out 10g of wax (big $$$ in that state) because the guy first wanted bud, changed his mind, then wanted only wax, and wanted to meet up instead of having it dropped off. Dealer said no because the drastic change of price point and pickup point made him think dude was turning him in. Something similar may have happened? More deets would help but yeah, sounds like you were ghosted. Dealers have the liberty to pick and choose their clientele.

No. 197540

You need to block and ignore him. His feelings are not your problem, he's nearly 30 fucking years old. If everyone around you thinks he was shit, he probably was.

No. 197544

Sex (or rather, orgasm) releases bonding hormones in womens' bodies that don't show up in men's. Trying to keep sex separate from feelings for women is fighting against chemistry, so it's usually a losing battle. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love--just-makes-men-want-MORE.html
That aside, you sound like you don't have the appropriate level of maturity for this in the first place. Not being a bitch, just going off what you've said yourself: You develop crushes easily on people you don't know and your ego gets a boost when you become the focus of a man's desire, the most abundant resource in the universe. You seem to have low self esteem and difficulty looking at men objectively, and frankly you still seem "too insecure and emotional" for whatever passing pleasure you get from hooking up to outweight the stress, anxiety and self doubt it also brings you.

No. 197545

File: 1626116187063.jpg (1005.13 KB, 2048x1307, merlin_143608950_76667c52-d787…)

Bump since the wise advice giving farmers have seemed to arrived kek. I guess changing my behavior is enough to change theirs too, no?

No. 197547

Thank you. I think you're right. do you have any advice on how I can mature or get past this kinda thing?

No. 197552

At the moment I'm currently undergoing radiotherapy for my brain tumour growth. Naturally this is making me rather ill and tired all the time. I'm worried this is effecting my relationship with my fiancée. Normally we would have sex 4 or 5 times a week, it was always very natural and spontaneous and loving. Now I'm so ill I can't perform, or rather, my fiancée is just assuming I can't perform. I did try initiating about a week ago but she wasn't receptive and stopped me to ask "do you really want to make love? or are you trying to prove to yourself that you still can?" that question kinda stunned me as it was mostly the latter, as much as I hated to admit that to her. In the end I turned over like a stroppy teen feeling embarrassed, she consoled me a bit and we eventually went to sleep, but since then it's not been brought up. We still spend plenty of time together but it's not like before. I can't cook for her, I can't get dressed up and take her out, we barely leave the flat at all on weekends. She's so absorbed by trying to take care of me that I worry about shifting dynamics. That I'm no longer her lover and best friend but someone she feels compelled to take care of. I want to try and change things, if I can't handle full sex I can at least make sure she's satisfied. But I worry she'll just reject my advances. My question to anons is: how would you honestly feel in a relationship like this? Would the lack of sex bother you? Should I make more of an effort to be awake around her in the evenings after my treatment? How do I go about getting her to see me as more than my cancer?

No. 197554

Yes it is a bad idea. You recognize your own behavior and your faults with the relationship, so continue to move on and better yourself. People will always view things with a different lens than you do and you can't tie up every single loose end in your life. Do not make his feelings your responsibility and unless you have some sort of intent in letting him back in your life, stop engaging with him entirely. It is not worth it just to make him feel a little better about himself at the end of the day.

No. 197557

NAYRT but I was in a similar situation to you before. I caught feelings very easily, and in one case, lost a friend because I picked dick over her.

>>197544 really hit the nail on the head.
>your ego gets a boost when you become the focus of a man's desire
This is 100% true for me and it really ended up fucking with my image of myself. I developed a bad relationship with food (not full on ED but definitely not healthy) and equated my self worth with how desirable I was for sex.

I can't really give advice, because even coming out of the other end of what a mess this is, I don't even know what to say. Learning to love yourself is a long, arduous journey that I'm still on. Mine started when I dated someone who 1) actually wanted a relationship with me (all of my fwb told me "I like you too, but I don't want a girlfriend right now" before eventually getting a girlfriend anyway lol), and 2) we didn't start our relationship with sex. It was very jarring for me to have someone pursue me just for my company and my very being than for what I could provide to them sexually. We broke up and never had sex, but it was an important relationship where I was treated with the respect and love that I have always deserved but never been given.

It's kind of shitty to depend on someone else for your own growth, but it was important for me to experience it. I hope you'll realize that you are worthy of people's love, time, and attention without using your body for it. In the months after my break up, I spent a lot of time with good friends, and a lot of time reading self help books- common sense isn't so common, especially when going through periods of depersonalization. I sorted out my life and gave real thought to my values.

Also, I honestly think my terribly high libido is what got me fucked over in the first place. Once it died off because of my depression, I stopped bothering to seek out men and just focused on myself for once because I had the brain capacity to think about making my life fulfilling in ways other than having a dick in me.

No. 197558

I've been there, it is a thing. I'm not saying women can't enjoy casual sex or seperate themselves at times but it's something to watch out for. If it gets too intense it sucks all the fun right out of things.

I had plenty of no strings partners (long ago in muh early twenties) and probably a handful of times I entered into thinking about them all the damn time… I kept it to myself though. I daydreamed about them all week long and then fucked them for maybe an hour at the weekend. It's kinda crazy to remember that time and all the feelings I was catching for men I had no future with and nothing in common with at all..apart from fucking. Keep it to yourself is my advice. If practically every word he's ever said to you was sexual… that's all you are to him.

I'm crushing on an acquaintance right now and I found myself mostly fantasizing about blowing him, not even having sex, just a one way thing. I was only thinking about this earlier and I think I've been burnt so much that I know casually letting a guy in is just bad news. I'm too stable right now to risk that again. Even my fantasy brain is afraid to go there. Is blowing a safe activity I wonder? Will I still catch the dreaded feelings from that? I share your frustration. You're certainly not alone. I mean as if sex sex didn't come with enough risks already..

No. 197560

You have to remember that your fiancée is affected by your illness as well. She's worried about you and trying to gain some sort of a control of the situation herself by taking the role of the caretaker. As someone who has been this "caretaker" you can't just continue as normal and forget about someone you love being seriously ill and you not being able to do anything about it is a very hard pill to swallow. She doesn't want you to feel compelled to "perform" in bed when you're exhausted. Discuss it over openly with her and assure her that you want to be her lover and fiancee instead of a patient to take care of. She will probably learn to live with it like you do.

No. 197561

For you btw. I'm always dropping the tag

No. 197566

Different fucked-over-by-casual-sex-anon here just to say that your words mean a lot and I can relate to everything you've said, appreciate the self-honesty

No. 197586

Get into gacha

No. 197716

You were right. I spoke to my fiancée about feeling like her patient and not her partner and she told me that she hates the fact that there's nothing she can do to stop my cancer, that she just has to sit there and watch me get nuked with radiotherapy and hope for the best. She's actually been getting me all sorts of vitamins and herbal supplements lately and I feel like a selfish asshole for not realising that was her trying to feel the tiniest sensation of control over our situation. And it is our situation because you're right, she's affected too. I had to swallow my pride and admit that wanting to have sex is mostly my ego trying to prove I'm still desirable physically. But saying that out loud made me realise how dumb it is. I just want my best friend back, I just want her to feel like she doesn't need to monitor me 24/7. So we set aside some time this evening to geek out with some YouTube vids and the C word was banned from being mentioned. It's a small step, but it helped. Thank you, nonita. I needed to realise how much the lack of control affects us both.

No. 197742

ntayrt but what gacha would you recommend getting into? i need something to distract me during my free time so i don’t overthink literally every aspect of my life and spiral into self-loathing. anime shit and related media usually does the trick, but the only gacha games i know of are the ones that cater to male weebs.

No. 197752

For rhythm, Ensemble Stars (vid I posted) is pretty fun and there's lots of boys to choose from. Story can get a bit dramatic but the music + 3D MVs are entertaining, I usually stay for the latter aspect since I got into it through watching the MVs on YouTube. Project Sekai (Vocaloid) is also great, sliight moid pandering-leaning due to the gender imbalance of the cast but the female characters are adorable, not too sexualized and the boys are super cute too. IDOLiSH7 is another rhythm gacha for women, I personally think the game itself is meh for a rhythm game but the story is top-tier. If you want to check out the story first and decide to play later, you can watch the anime which adapts it pretty well.

If you want otome, Mihoyo is releasing a very high quality one at the end of July called Tears of Themis, I tried the beta and it was fun! Prereg link below if you're interested. I haven't played the following otome/joseimuke games myself (I'm very new to them) but I've heard good things about them: Obey Me, A3 and Mahoyaku.

Do you mind games that aren't translated in English? There's also Twisted Wonderland & Helios which are good and aimed at women. The former, TW, has very simple gameplay but I find the cast and story really entertaining so if you want you can just watch the main story which I've linked below. I keep the app around because I like collecting pretty cards but it updates with new stories quite slowly, depending on your schedule that can be a pro or con. Helios is great. There are translations by fans so you can keep up-to-date via them, once again you're likely to be downloading it on your phone if you enjoy collecting pretty cards but the gameplay with Helios is definitely far more interesting than TW so if you're into that too then check it out.

I know my original reply was dry but I was sincere when I meant gacha helps. Like you and the original anon, I have no passion for living. Distracting myself and enjoying gacha helps me get through the day and gives me an incentive to turn up to work. How else will you buy your best boy his new PNG outfit?

Themis prereg https://tot.mihoyo.com/pre_registration/#/
Twisted Wonderland main story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQT-tm9DfDw&list=PLagN_G2VW8b9wAZs8c5ItREjuvGo3o8dM

No. 197757

Just my humble opinion but I don't think it's wise to get anon hooked on what's basically gambling.

No. 197762

I feel like dating is destroying my mental health.
Im in my 30s and I have never experienced that kind of love. I have a successful career, money, lovely friends and family, hobbies but love seems something imposible to find. I have tried everything and I always end up with a broken heart and everytime I like someone (wich is getting harder and harder) it ends up in them telling me that they are not interested in a relationship after some time. I don't force it, but its something that depresses me.
The last person that I hang out with, we talked for a month and a half before meeting. We went on a date and a couple days later (after talking like always) he tells me that he only wants to be my friend. I told him that I was not interested in that, so we stop talking but I'm really hurt

No. 197789

Gacha games are designed to make you an addict, it's the stupidest thing to deliberately, knowingly get into. Especially >>194857, gacha isn't going to give your life purpose.

Honestly try finding a passion or hobby, even a mild interest will do. Media just serves as mindless escapism, which isn't always a bad thing, but gacha is the worst form of it. In the long run you'll feel better if you find yourself something that you genuinely enjoy doing in your free time. If you've got the money to waste on gacha, then you've likely got the money to explore an array of different interests and hobbies until you find something you like.

No. 197809

Some people have tried everything within their means and still haven’t found life worth living, fucking sick of generic advice like find a hobby or friends.

No. 197831

> oneitis of 3+ years
> have an off & on relationship
> only feel like offing myself when i’m around him
> but if i’m not around him i feel literally nothing
> took two month break
> for two months i curled up in my bed and sobbed for hours daily
> came crawling back to him
> he’s around now
> emotions are completely out of porportion and horrible to deal with around him
> thoughts of self harm increase exponentially when he ignores me or is cruel to me
> but without him i feel nothing at all
what do

No. 197835

look up codependency, get a support system, get therapy, and above all else leave. You'll both be better for it.

No. 197836

If you have the time and money, I suggest you look into getting some therapy. Most people can benefit from it, plus you can really dig up some shit from the past that's been repressed and flying under the radar your entire life and contributing to your overall misery. Take the time to find a good therapist, not just one that can validate your feelings but give your advice on how to move forward. It will be difficult to find a good one at first, you'll have to interview them one by one until you find someone you can connect with. I've done it myself and recommended it to my friends as well. It's kind of like working out, but for your mind. The work can be tough and tedious but ultimately you end up with a better sense of who you are, what you want and what will make you happy.

No. 197847

How to cope with loneliness after a breakup from long-term relationship?
I'm starting therapy next month.

We were together for almost 10 years and I'm having problems with adjusting to my life without him. I saw myself as a very independent person so this sudden loneliness surprised me, honestly.

I know that I should get used to being by myself because I acknowledge that I'm not ready for a new relationship yet. Nights are the worst. I'm afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone as a sad old crone.

No. 197864

File: 1626297838328.png (815.06 KB, 974x610, 473028403248.png)

Eeey, sounds like trauma bonds. >>197835 is right but also read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It's easy to find for free online. What you're feeling for this guy isn't love and I think you recognize that, but at this stage you've tied up your self worth so deeply in his meaningless and shifting standards that you're addicted to trying to satisfy him. You need to break the cycle and get away. Do everything you can to prevent yourself from ever contacting him again. Then start working on your self esteem and learning how to prioritize yourself, your feelings and your well being so you never feel dependent on someone else for validation again.
(Also I'm not intending to be mean with the pic, I just wanted an excuse to use it kek.)

No. 197869

File: 1626299407316.png (267.33 KB, 686x261, 8490327843029746.png)

>I feel like dating is destroying my mental health.
Stop then. Seriously. If your self esteem is so fragile that a relative stranger of a month and a half makes you feel broken hearted because he didn't want a relationship with you, then you probably shouldn't be focused on dating. Especially in the case of men, where they tend to drop women who seem to have standards and they know won't be an easy lay. You should consider it a bullet dodged. The vast majority of people in the world think finding love/a healthy partnership is just a natural part of life. This is a mistake. It's a combination of doing a lot of work on yourself and even more so, luck. Most relationships are far more dysfunctional than they look on the surface and one or both people are accepting intensely shitty behavior because they're too terrified and/or think they're incapable of being happy alone. The only reason people seemed to have better relationships in the past is because women literally needed men to buy a home, get an education, and have social/financial stability. Your other options sans husband were maybe factory worker or whore. Now that men aren't guaranteed a free bangmaid simply for existing they're still operating under the assumption that women should be counting their blessings to clean up their streaky underwear and have orgasm-free sex. If a guy can't see your value and prioritize you then it's his loss, not yours. It seems like you have a lot of good going on in your life, so rather than lamenting the one aspect you lack, start learning to truly appreciate all the things you do have.

No. 197871


Make a list of cool, fun, and exciting stuff you want to do in your life that has nothing to do with another person. Then pick something and do it/work towards doing it/make a plan to do it, depending on how big a goal this is. Visiting a museum in your city, traveling somewhere, trying whatever food, finally watching x movie, taking a knitting class, saving up for something you've always wanted, learning a language. Working to make space in my head for self-centered (in the most literal sense) thinking that's all about happiness and achievement and pleasure for me and me alone really helped me when my fiance and I broke up after a similar length of time. The first thing I did was re-do my apartment according to exactly what I wanted, especially all the super-girly stuff I felt like I couldn't do with him around. I also indulged whims (within reason) as quickly as possible – like, one day I remembered how much fun I used to have at water parks, so I googled the closest one and went with a friend the next week.

This was maybe a little easier for me than most, depending on your ex – mine wasn't the worst kind of gamer scrote, but realizing I was basically going to do the same amount of housework but that none of it was going to come from anyone else's mess was the first thing to make me feel joy again, lol. But this kind of list-making really did help. And anon, I know you probably know this, but it's so completely normal that nights are hard and the sudden loneliness has surprised you. Ten years is a long fucking time! I promise, it will not sting like this forever.

No. 197880

Thank you for this.

No. 197893

Computer-savvy/PC gaming anons, I would really appreciate some advice! I'm thinking of buying a PC for myself sometime soon, but I really know next to nothing about computers (which is why I'm thinking of buying pre-built rather than building it myself). I'm really just interested in playing games- nothing too complicated like video editing or streaming or anything like that. Do you have any recommendations for what I should be looking for when buying/recommendations for what I should buy? I'd also just appreciate any other general advice, because as I said, I don't know much about computers.

No. 197901

If you're really unexperienced it might be better to buy a prebuilt. Just know that it might be more expensive then buying the same parts seperately. Just look up the minimum requirements for some games you want to play as a start. The most important parts are the procecer and graphics card, but I think graphics cards are still more expensive than they should be because of bitcoin and covid supply issues and who knows when the prices might drop.

No. 197921

Idk much about computers but I still need a decent one so I use logicalincrements.com, just picking within my price range gets me a decent enough pc with minimal research involved or knowledge required. I'm not up to the actual physical building of a pc, so I get the computer store to do it and if there's anything incompatible or missing from the build they let me know.

Also https://www.reddit.com/r/buildapc/wiki/beginnersguide

No. 197924

Top tier advice anon, every girl itt needs to read this

No. 197925

File: 1626342553150.jpeg (41.06 KB, 739x415, 3D40CF4D-5C2F-423E-8EF0-13FC9D…)

My brother has been brainwashed by white supremacist memes, and is always speaking in these memes to make fun of aboriginals, racemixers and nonwhites in general.

If I try to talk about issues that are not related to white people he just says that he does not care, and thats it.

He also thinks that marginalised people are unhealthy/fat souly becuase of their own behaviour and nothing to do with how they and their ancestors were/are treated, but when its WHITE people, all their problems are becuase of jews and nonwhites ruining society…

I can’t fucking talk to my brother about anything.

I tried telling on him in to our parents so they could help him but they only care about his job prospects, my brother says I can’t tell on him in again or else he will cut me out of his life.

No. 197927

Men only respond to mockery and hits to their ego, you can't use logic or empathy to argue them into being decent people. The best you can do is make fun of him for being a loser who spends all his time online seething about BBC.

No. 197955

How old is he? Get that faggot off 4chan and limit his internet usage if young enough.

No. 197971

Thank you non, I saved this pic lol. I’ve actually been reading that since it was recommended here before: (in case anyone was looking for it) https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n1/mode/2up
My ex is not abusive nor a bad guy but we definitely are codependent
I’ve cut him off for 2 days so far…. hopefully I’ll practice some self control in the weeks to come

No. 197973

You sound exactly like me except I didn't take a 2 month break because I know this would happen. Also I'm not the type to do self harm, but I generally feel awful if I'm not talking to him. Does this person also tell you you are insane for feeling emotions or is that just me?

No. 197982

Alright then, take up spearfishing. There. That specific enough for you?

No. 197985

First things first, you have to stop thinking of yourself as a person to whom things happen to. Everything you do and don't do is a choice. You could have an SO and you could have friends, but you chose not to. What's stopping you?
>nothing seems to bring me joy
Have you actually tried things? Or you just passively waiting something that will happen to you that you will hopefully enjoy? If you go out and do as many things you can, from doing a basket weaving course to trying bungee jumping the chances of you enjoying something out of that will go up. You just have to fight your own passivity and actively look for things to enjoy

No. 197988

Electric chair is the only correct action

No. 197993

How tf can I train myself to be tidy (or tidier)?? My default mode is to put things anywhere so they'll be easy to find later or because it's convenient, until everything is everywhere and I'm knee deep in shit. Like when I cook and peel the vegetables I KNOW it'd be more convenient to throw the peel right into the bin but out of laziness I just let it fall onto the kitchen counter and it stays there until I feel like throwing it out. And this pertains to everything. Right now I'm sitting at the dinner table I can't have lunch on because it's covered in random shit, textbooks, notebooks, stuff I bought, stuff I'm supposed to throw out, etc

No. 197996

With cooking it always helps to have a garbage bowl next to you.

No. 198000

Set a notification on your phone once a day (or multiple times a day if that works for you) to take a few minutes to go around your living space and tidy things up. And then simply do it.

No. 198001

oops meant to quote >>197993

No. 198407

What should a socially awkward typically friendless girl do when she’s being bullied and ganged up on by a single insecure woman or a group of insecure women? Literally asking this bc it came to mind since I’m watching a drama with this situation but this is the story of my life. I was bullied especially by popular girls growing up a decent looking girl who was exceptionally good at academics but also socially retarded and had very few friends. I was very very shy and I think the bullying only made me more afraid of people tbh. But in my case just over a year ago I was in another bullying situation with some girls I was living with who nitpicked the fuck out of me to “gossip” behind my back. Like laughing how I let my dishes air dry “upside down” by their own standards (because these bitches truly have nothing better to talk about i guess?). In that case I was really outspoken at first and wasn’t meek like back in middle school so I don’t know how I became the butt of a joke among these girls. i know this dilemma is pathetic but teasing by a group of girls has been a constant throughout my life that I worry about it happening at a workplace even though I’m a fully grown adult. I struggle to think of how I’ll deal with it and also why the fuck it keeps happening to me. Am I just so unlikeable that people naturally hate me? The last group of girls I initially wanted to befriend and tried to be as disarming as possible bc I have a very serious looking face and I can seem intimidating or stand-offish which to some people it seems like I dislike them. But I really gave my all trying to be as silly and endearing as possible to try and make sure that they didn’t get that impression, except I guess that was later used against me because they were always making fun of how stupid or annoying I am. And I really liked them at the start and thought we could be friends so idk what happened.
And also I just wanna say that I’m not bragging that a lot of these girls have typically been popular, I’m noting it because to me personally it makes no sense why the hell they feel threatened by someone who growing up was relatively friendless with a “weird” personality by other people’s accounts. I have always been socially awkward and shy/alienated in social contexts so it’s not like any threat of me becoming the HBIC has ever actualized. Is there anything I can do to make this stop happening to me? I feel like any group of bored petty girls naturally latches onto me because I’m an easy target myself and I want to fix it. Also not looking for a scrote to try and mansplain “female” behavior to me because the majority of women are not catty at all and female “catty” behavior is often overstated as most female offenses are in comparison to the shit moids do.

No. 198410

How do I stop trying to fill the void my father left me (we had a fantastic relationship but he died unexpectedly when I was really young) with random men? It's exhausting and I'm so depressed.

No. 198428

Can you please not use your father as an excuse when you're already aware that meeting random men is exhausting and depressing you. Your relationship with them and your father will never be the same or equivalent. What would he think of this? Do you not have hobbies or friends? Something to make your life more fulfilling? If not, then start there.

No. 198438

What an odd way to word that request. It isn't an excuse, it is the reason why I seek out the company of men in particular. I am looking to assuage the hurt child inside. I do have hobbies, but they do not answer what the child in me is asking for.

No. 198452

Do you hear yourself?

No. 198474

I don't have an answer for you, nonny, but I wish I did bc we could be twins. My last hope is waiting for my new job's benefits to kick in so I can finally find out if I'm an autist or not. I really feel your frustration and confusion from not knowing why everyone always makes you the butt of the joke & nitpicking things you do (I've vented abt this myself soo many times), but just know that despite our weird awkwardness, it usually comes from a place of jealousy and/or pettiness. Love!

No. 198481

aw ty anon, I appreciate a response that shows me that I'm not alone. What makes you think you're autistic? I've got obvious ADHD which has resulted in being bullied for the symptoms but I do wonder if my general social ineptitude is autism or something. I feel like such a failure especially because I've got something that makes them seethe and yet my lack of social skills has gotten in the way of me ever 'self-actualizing' and being the HBIC that these people seem to think i can be. idk if you ever get that feeling like you do everything but deep down you're just always 'weird' like there must be something wrong with me if i always get perceived as a fucking weirdo one way or another. i mean i am deep down but it's annoying how once the cat's out of the bag that my possible autism always overshadows the rest of my good qualities like my looks, achievements, talents that all could have resulted in me being seen as a normal girl not worth bullying

No. 198511

I've had teachers and other adults trying to get me in front of a specialist for an assessment several times through my chidlhood since Kindergarten, I've also had people ask me if I'm autistic before. I guess it's apparent, but from my POV I don't really "get" autism so I'm only thinking I have it bc of the sheer frequency of how often people have asked me or assumed I was autistic. I was raised in a small, rural town with a selfish asshole narc mom who screamed at me that I was NORMAL my entire life so I never got to see those specialists my teachers tried to get my mom to take me to. For some reason my mom has alwaya been disgusted with the idea of me possibly being autistic and always has been, I've never known why. I've always had trouble keeping friends and my entire family treats me like I'm half there or half retarded and I never understood why.

Basically, I don't believe I/we get treated so much differently than everyone else juat for the fuck of it. People notice something about us that's different and it makes them uncomfortable. I think having a name for it might help, like if I'm "autistic" instead of just an "awkward freak" then it's no longer funny to just shit on me and take advantage of me being "naïve" and "gullible" (which, idk why it ever is to begin with?) and so maybe I can put a stop to it. I'm just trying to quietly live my life without always feeling like I'm under a microscope and everyone's waiting to rudely ask why and how I do everything so they can make fun of the reason. How are we living in a time that is pretending to be SO PC that all this gender equality stuff is popping off, yet a regular person trying to live life is nitpicked and harassed for being only slightly different? Honestly sometimes it feels like it happens just bc I don't have a label or aesthetic I dress up as.

No. 198541

I've gotta friend who's liked a guy for a few years now as she told me. Im interested in him too. She told me about her feelings about a year ago. Im not open about any of that stuff so i figured that since she was brave enough to tell me I'll back away so she can have a chance Except throughout the period that she has had (4+yrs) to make a move she hasnt tried. She is too shy to start a conversation with him when a chance comes, always avoids sitting near him if a seat is open, doesnt want to confess in fear of rejection but expects him to read her mind and profess his own love/ask her for a date despite being totally clueless about her feelings. She has made no effort or progress in getting to know him or befriend him. Though, me and him have always gotten along well and I suspect that he will ask me out soon as we have been more close that usual and the signs are definantely there. My friend has seemed to resign herself in the unrequited love position and makes no moves but still gets upset if she thinks other girls are interested in him. Im thrilled and might just ask him myself but my friend may become upset. What should I do? It wouldnt be fair that neither of us got to act on our feelings and she never did anything to try with him while ive really got a chance with him.

No. 198551

I think men can be fair game if they're single but maybe I'm a whore. I only found out a few years back my close friend at the time fell out with me over a boy. She liked him too which I knew, because I thought he liked her too and at a party I was talking her up for him, but he liked me and he was hot. I still tried to be considerate of her, but she kept giving her attention to this other guy. Eventually me and the first guy were confused who she liked and we ended up getting together FOR YEARS! We got talking a few years after I ended that relationship and she gave me all this shit about what a terrible friend I was. Like, he was single. You can't reserve men to date if you don't actually go out of your way to date them. Snooze ya lose bitch!

No. 198561

Obviously if nothing has happened with this guy for years, he doesn't care about you and he doesn't matter. I don't get why people care so much about unremarkable scrotes who don't even give a fuck about them. Now this limp dick retard will likely have 2 girls fighting over him and you will 100% inflate his ego over nothing.

No. 198584

Did the guy ever ask your friend out? It's retarded to expect a shy girl to ask a guy out if that guy and her friend both know she likes him. Idk if you're a literal whore, but you sure do think like more of a whore than a friend, so she was at least half right.

Talking her up to him doesn't do anything but make you look like a good friend to him, but unless he asks her out or you tell him to ask her out, or tell her to ask the him out, it doesn't benefit your friend at all. Scrotes won't ask girls out anymore becaus their "friends" will do two faced shit like what you did, and why not? The guys get easy pussy without the risk of being shot down by a nervous girl they actually like. Notice how the relationships with the girls who swoop in with their own agenda never end up lasting? Because it's selfish from the beginning, tbqh. See >>198561, him getting with you despite liking her shows that your friend dodged a bullet losing both of you to each other, so really you did her a favor.

No. 198597

Im confused if you mean to say that to me. But the feeling between me and and him is mutual. Its the lack of relationship my friend has with him despite the longevity of her feelings for him.

No. 198619

File: 1626767998434.jpg (7.18 KB, 193x261, download.jpg)

Anons, I really need an outside perspective but have nowhere else to ask.

Should I pay for an "university IT course"? Not sure how to explain it but basically you pay and join a 225h long program to become a (front end) dev. I'm too poor and honestly dumb for regular college even with a student job.

Now here's the problem: I have no idea if finishing the program would actually give me any kind of advantage in the work field or not and on top of that it costs 2k € which is about 90% of my savings. If it turns out it's not worth it then I'm fucked really really hard. My family uses my savings to pay whenever an unexpected cost arises and eventually they pay back. But without the savings we could run into a lot of problems so it's a big gamble. It sucks that they both depend on me but getting a better paying job in IT could help me get away from them finally and become somewhat (financially) independent.

Should I take the shot or keep studying on my own despite not being very good at it?

TLDR: pay 2k € for a IT program with a chance to fuck up my life financially or just keep grinding on my own where it might take years to even enter the field because I'm not good at it

No. 198623

What country is it? Is 2000 € expensive for an uni course there? How reputable is this uni? Have you seen this couese talked about anywhere other than on promotional outlets? Can you talk to people that have completed this programme? See what their skill level was before and after, if they found their current job thanks to people this programme connected them to, etc. You have to gather as much info as possible. This could be a great opportunity or a scam.

No. 198624

There should be free courses out there. I live in Europe's most expensive country and 2k€ for a course is daylight robbery. Do NOT pay.

No. 198625


The average salary is around 500€ more or less so yea, it took me 2 years to save up the money.

It's a pretty well known private university but the reviews are mixed or almost none existent because my country doesn't have that many online forums/user so often times you'll find posts from like 2016 or 2006 etc, which is far from up to date. Most people just go to a college and that's it.

There are but none give you a free certificate/diploma whatever that actually means anything

No. 198626

Anecdotal evidence, but I know a person who just decided to go for frontend after doing a completely different job, learnt the basics in about 3-4 months, it was enough to get her an intern position which was prolonged to regular job contract after 3 months. While courses may not be a bad idea per se, I'd start with trying to learn as much as you can with free resources / seek help in some internet communities and see how far just that could possibly take you.

No. 198627

It's 100% a scam.
>There are but none give you a free certificate/diploma whatever that actually means anything
Certificates and diplomas don't mean shit for dev jobs, you need a good portfolio.

No. 198628

2 grand to be a front end dev?
That's pretty expensive.

A lot of what goes into a front end dev is educating yourself and learning more as you go; it is a lot of independent study and realistically you'd be better off to keep the money for a rainy day.

Try freecodecamp.org, it's free and it's very well made. Good luck, anon!

No. 198630

I know a friends friend like this too but I also know people who didn't land a job in the field for years. Must be luck or connection

That's true, but compared to a student that has a whole education I'm at a disatvantage no matter the portofolio (at least what I heard from others experience), that's why I thought it could maybe help me stand out more.

I'm currently finishing up a bootcamp from Udemy but I guess freecodecamp will be next

Sorry for sounding so negative, but you anons helped me amke up my mind. Guess I'll keep studying on my own and see where it'll go

No. 198643

Is there any anons who rebuilt their life after a big depressive episode? I try to do productive things each day but it feels like my souls been sucked dry and I have no will to do anything. I have a long list of stuff that I'm interested in but when it actually comes to doing it my body is just "what's the point".
Medication is a no since my tism hates me and I always get the worst side effects. I tried therapy but I don't have the strength or desire to spill my deepest feelings anymore, it feels masochistic. There's no big traumatic events in my life, just ostracized from peers.
Should I just go ahead and try shrooms, I heard it's good for depressive episodes.

No. 198645

Fellow depresso anon here.
You could try microdosing, why not. Nothing to lose there, really.

If you find yourself in anxiety feedback loops about having no motivation to do anything, then feeling guilty about not having done anything, I found that meditation helped center myself and come out with a more self affirming clean slate. Just use guided meditation audio or videos (I use Headspace). If you can get CBT therapy specifically it may be more useful.

(Blogpost incoming) I have tried medication and it just made me feel numb in all the ways, now I'm trying out some supplements that were suggested by a methylation test based on my genome and I'm surprisingly finding that my emotional baseline has stabilised itself and I'm able to enjoy life more, like it feels right for once.
It feels weird to know that my brain has been sabotaging me all along, but also so relieving because it wasn't really my fault that my brain chemistry is inclined to just yeet all the happy chemicals out.

No. 198649

I'm crying and hyperventilating on the floor, having a full on panic attack over this exam(its oral) tomorrow, i literally cant open my eyes because they are so puffy from crying i'm very suicidal i dont know what to do. I'm not a super academic straight As person either, does anyone have similar experiences? Everyone thinks I'm overthinking and advising breathing exercises and stuff but nothing helps, its not even that big of an exam i can retake it whenever but my body is freaking out. I get extremely anxious before every exam but these last 2 ones i had full on panic attacks like shaking and short of breath. I cant switch it off no matter how hard I try to reassure myself that its going to be okay. I feel so helpless. I was diagnosed with depression but I dont take my medicine due to severe side effects. I also have covid so maybe that induces anxiety too. I'm afraid I'll have heart attack from these episodes one day. I dont want to push through this and sit the exam because I've been very sick and only today I felt a bit better, but since I'm better today I feel like I'm obligated to sit cause everyone tells me to, I want someone to tell me its okay to put my mental and physical health first for once but I know thats bad advice. What would you do if you were me? I feel like maybe I'm using the covid and panic attacks as excuse to not face my fear

No. 198650

I'm sorry, I don't know how to help but I know how you feel. I don't think it's bad advice to put your health before your schoolwork. Yes you should not run away from your fears but when it's so bad that you have physical problems you need to take it easy. I wish I knew what exactly taking it easy is. i try not to think of my exam too much. I think to myself I don't care what happens as long as it's over. Of course it doesn't really work but try to imagine a time when the exam is over. It will come whatever happens

No. 198651

>I want someone to tell me its okay to put my mental and physical health first for once but I know thats bad advice.

This is not bad advice and you genuinely should put your health first. If you're having issues of this magnitude you definitely should inform your college, many of them have provisions for this sort of thing. If you can you should get therapy.

No. 198660

File: 1626798739055.jpg (61.75 KB, 614x460, 89484035_614.jpg)

Kinda specific situation and also worrying in advance but maybe some other anon experienced something similar and has some wisdom to share.
I'm from eastern europe, going to meet my westerner bf family for the first time in a few weeks, I know some people from his family are very snobbish and judgemental and I'm worried they'll treat me like a stereotypical gold digger (his grandma has already criticized his choice of girlfriends in the past even though they were from his country, so I imagine she won't love me for sure). Do you think there's anything I can do to prevent that? And if that happens should I react in any way? Of course I fully expect my boyfriend to defend me but it just terrifies me I'm about have the worst time being seen as some leech intruder there or whatever.

No. 198663

>Do you think there's anything I can do to prevent that?
>And if that happens should I react in any way?
No, just leave and dump him because odds are he's like that too.
I know you'll think he's wonderful and your Nigel would never do it, but disrespect from a moid shows in the little things, and it shows years down the line.

No. 198665

Anon, first of all, I'm sending you love and strength. Second, I was in this exact situation two weeks ago.
I had two oral exams on the same week. I pulled back from the first one a minute before the professor called me because I was feeling extremely stressed, anxious and unprepared while I was waiting for my turn. I cried after it, but felt so liberated and proud of myself for not putting myself on a bad, unnecessary moment. Before the second exam, I cried two nights on a row and felt like you, but knew that this time, I had everything on my favour and had to face my fear, like you say. The day of the exam I felt confident and I even had a good time, because the professor was very nice and understanding.
My advice would be to reflect on your cicurmstances, feelings, options and follow your instinct. Don't listen to anyone else, ditch all the expectations of other people from your system and talk to yourself. Reflect if taking this exam, in this state, is something you need or you don't. Both things are possible, we have to find the balance between pushing ourselves for our best, and letting ourselves rest and recharge.
However, you are not a disappointment for not taking an exam and putting your health first. I actually think it's the most mature thing to do, as long as you aren't sabotaging yourself

No. 198667

>I want someone to tell me its okay to put my mental and physical health first for once but I know thats bad advice.

This is not bad advice; you SHOULD take care of yourself first, always. Remember how they say if the plane you're on is crashing, put your mask on before you try to help someone else? Same principle, you can't help anyone if you are the one who needs help.

If you can retake the exam, then talk to your instructor and see if you can just take it later because you have a lot on your plate and are feeling overwhelmed. Ask about extra credit you can do to help your grade, that should help take a bit of the pressure off when dealing with the exams. For oral exams, treat them like a monologue in a play: pre-script the entire thing and learn your lines, then you can prepare yourself and won't feel so on the spit. Also may be dumb advice but drink some spring water during the day and as you study, beleive it or not a splash of cold water really can helpsl you feel better when your anxiety is starting to creep (at least it does mine anyway).

Remember that almost everyone is having a tough time these days, so it's okay to let people know if you need to slow down or need help, don't think you'll get i trouble or be seen as some idiot slowpoke failure because of it because you aren't and you won't.

It's only temporary, and once you get past it you'll be done with it for good! You can do it anon, I believe in you! You can do all the things!!

No. 198668

I see questions like this come up alot and tbh if he doesn't 'shield' you against his family then he's not worth sticking with. Married anons often vent about this down the line too. He's meant to either liaise for you or if he's letting you just be uncomfortable or disrespected then he's not doing enough. Pay attention to whether he truly sticks up for you and whether he has some balls and does that in front of them. That's a big indicator or what's to come.

If he won't do that now it'll only get worse over time. Don't commit to any man who just lets you stress the fuck out over his mom. View this as his shit to deal with. It shouldn't be on your shoulders.

No. 198676

Been there. Panicked (ugly crying, heart attack feeling, couldn't breathe, threw up, all the essentials) and didn't go to a very important exam in university. Once I got over my guilt, I convinced myself that this is actually better because I imagined that in one semester, I'd get over the anxiety and would ace the exam. One semester later…I experienced the exact same level of anxiety but this time I went in and did it (still threw up and uglycried in the bathroom right before it).
Afterwards I remember feeling…disappointed almost? because there was no GRAND TERROR that would have justified my panicking. It was just a room full of students, and everyone was given one topic that we had to talk about. The teacher looked bored and you could see that he wanted to be somewhere else. Someone was playing with their water bottle. The clock was ticking. The birds were chirping outside. Then everyone went home. The end. My point is, my overactive imagination hyped the exam up into this 'YOU HAVE TO DO THIS IMPOSSIBLE BIG THING AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE JUDGED' scenario, whereas the reality was anything but that. Perhaps you might be doing the same?

I mean, everything's up to you, I think Covid is a pretty good reason to skip an exam but if you're better, I'd go for it, it's better to face your fears then avoid them. Good luck!

No. 198687

I'm sorry, I don't really understand… what do you mean exactly?

No. 198691

File: 1626819522918.jpeg (17.69 KB, 240x210, A3C9018A-05AE-4A86-9A23-B223DC…)

Should I go to a gynecologist about this? I can’t find my clit or vaginal hole, I don’t think I’m even confident enough to insert a tampon in, and I’m disgusted/scared with the idea of inserting anything into my vagina, even my own fingers. I’ve never been to a gyno before but is it possible to get them to help me with this? I feel like they could help by putting something (like a medical device or even their fingers) so I at least know where it is and what it feels like to have something inside it, and realized it’s not that bad, as well as pointing out where my vag/clit is (medical diagrams aren’t very useful to me)

No. 198694

Have you been using a mirror or just poking around? It's really worth getting to know what you look like, although you might feel a bit shy of yourself at first. If you went to a doctor about this they would probably use a mirror too to show you, so you might as well look first.

No. 198707

I think I’m developing an alcohol addiction. Being a binge drinker is pretty much accepted in my country and so my family don’t see my drinking as bad, but I think it kind of is. It’s 3 times a week and I always get black out, just in my home with my boyfriend. Working from home makes it easier to do. I quit weed and ketamine last year and so now my drinking has increased and I don’t like it. The lockdowns haven’t helped. I’m considering starting up weed and occasional ket again because it’s like I can’t function without taking some kind of mind altering drug. I think I’d rather be a heavy weed smoker than a drinker, but I’m also scared to start it again after so long, and also because of a weird trip I had mixing ket and weed. It’s shit, I wish I could just give all of them up. Wtf do I do

No. 198714

Can you talk to your doctor about getting therapy? I don't know your life situation but you can't cope with life by getting blackout drunk 3 times a week. Heavy weed smoking would be the better option obviously but you should really try to face the reasons why you act like this.
You've been lucky so far that you've blacked out at home with your boyfriend. A friend of mine who struggled with alcohol came to herself one day with a broken tooth and no idea what even happened. Blackout drunk behaviour can be so dangerous. You might not be safe at home one day.

No. 198801

File: 1626888609020.gif (947.4 KB, 500x250, vOLKbOY.gif)

hello there, i just wanted to vent in and ask for advice, i am 18 and i currently look for help regarding my feminity.

first of all, i wanted to say that i got my first periods really early, at 8, and the rupture was really violent to me, especially the second my mom told me "you're a woman, now!" and proceeded to separate me from my male relatives during family dinners etc (muslim household) and since then i just adopted a really masculine posture, i would beg for my mom to bring me to the hairdresser to get my hair shorter, but she refused, i ended up saving my pocket money to get my short haircut and she ended up accepting it after all once my hair was cut. as for clothing, she'd let me wear nothing too short or too long, so i ended up dressing in the men's aisle without her knowing. but if we had a wedding in our family, she'd force me to wear a kaftan (traditional moroccan attire for women) and each time i'd live that as a betrayal and violent episode.

during my whole life i never got friends with women, they would bully me, actually, and men would find me too ugly to even fit in "one of the boys" i began to hate myself but especially women, and so did myself began to browse 4chan boards like pol or ic where they always shit on women, i hated it because i didnt find myself in the group they called "women", i just found the kind of women i hated and i got in a loophole where i'd hate women so much i considered transioning to become a man. i never got farther than wearing binders (which i sold, all of them) and now im stuck, looking ahead without this fakeboy mask, and i realize how lonely i am and how masculine i am, too much to please the thirstiest lesbian but not too much to be a man (im hairy, dark haired, i only have a sort of hourglass / pearish body frame).

>i just hate everything about my womanhood because i kept on rejecting it and now it's biting me in the ass. i just want to become feminine, be called cute, pretty and have a group of female friends i could speak with, all subreddits are filled with hons and same with discord, i'm not lesbian, im straight so i cant fit in the radfem groups if i wanted to get a safe space full of actual women.

No. 198803

Do you ever think that your religion had anything to do with your view of yourself and femininity? I only ask because Islam is especially harsh on women.

No. 198805

yeah pretty much, i hate islam and most religions for that, being reduced to a child all your life then become a mother and wife isn't appealing to me. i wish i was considered as myself before a woman, i'm so sad when my mom picks up the phone and tells "hello? yes, this is anon's mother" instead of saying her name.

No. 198828

Are you still living in Morocco ?

No. 198830

Ah no, my family moved to France before I was even born but its still hard because they act like if they were at their home countries

No. 198864

I want to disclose some aspects of my current relationship that aren't great to mental health services (uk) such as times we've had sex without my full consent, even if I didnt say no, either. But I dont want the popo knocking on the door. Anyone know anything?

No. 198866

dump him. there, just saved your shitty boyfriend from a deserved rape charge.

No. 198867

I don't think you'll be forced to press charges if you disclose abuse to someone that could help you. If you're in UK and you want therapy just make an appointment with your GP. Tell them you've been dealing with abuse you don't need to disclose the extent to them, all they're for is to refer you to a free mental health service. If you have money you could bypass that and seek out therapy privately, but I think most therapists in UK do a phone interview first to see what type of service you need.

No. 198872

File: 1626917212733.jpg (79.25 KB, 490x498, Ecg_Xn9XsAAd3XR.jpg)

For the past year or so, sex has been a difficult thing to navigate through. For a period of 3-4 months(earlier this year and during winter a bit) my boyfriend didn't want to have sex, said sex didn't feel good because he was depressed, and for a while there it made me really manic and act in toxic ways but I stepped back and realized I wasn't with him just for sex but because I enjoy spending time with him and he is my best friend.
We live together and work completely opposite schedules, and this won't change until he gets his current comic he's working on published. He works 11pm-7:30am and I work 7am-12:30pm. At around 1pm he settles down to sleep for work, and by the time he is getting up for work I'm trying to sleep. The only time we get to spend together are Mondays and Tuesdays on our days off but he sleeps during the day to maintain his schedule. We have sex maybe once a month, and now it's become the most awkward and sometimes straight up unpleasant sex that ends in neither of us orgasming. I can't get out of my head enough to enjoy it, because we have both become incredibly awkward and barely say anything during sex (even if I'm trying to egg him on by talking dirty). He says he's started having chronic pain and that it's why he can't enjoy sex sometimes. I know he is still attracted to me because he will tell me how much he misses me at work, and we still have semi-frequent oral. (maybe once a week or every 2 weeks) At this point we've just recognized my libido is way higher than his, but it still affects my self esteem, especially considering our dry spell that lasted for months. I try not to equate my self worth to how frequently we have sex but I just miss when we use to have mind-blowing sex and when I used to feel connected with him. I think his schedule is ruining our relationship but we've talked about it so much I just have no idea what to do. Today we started having sex and it was fine at first, until it eventually just got incredibly silent and we could both tell I was out of it. After we decided to stop, he asked if I was still attracted to him, and told me he thinks I should start having sex with other people because he thinks he has started to ruin my perception of sex. The thing is I don't want to have sex with other people. I just miss having good sex with him. It goes so much deeper than all of this, for a weeks after our dry spell I would cry during sex because I was too in my head and worried it didn't feel good for him or that he felt too pressured, and my self esteem had just plummeted. It's hard for me to feel sexy around him now. I feel completely out of touch with my sexuality, and sometimes really out of touch with him sexually. I don't know if I should get a therapist or what. I love him and he is my best friend but sometimes this all becomes way too much. Sorry if it's a lot to read, I don't know how to tl;dr this haha.

No. 198889

Agreed what the fuck anon

No. 198892

Anon I feel you. In my experience Ive learned that focusing too much on femme and masc ideals can cause a sort of identity problem much like believing youre trans. You wanna become more femme? Then just start doing it. Dress up, put on makeup, wear jewlery, even consume media marketed torwards women. Work your your way up if you have to but remember that its okay to feel concious of yourself at first. Dont feel like you have to dress or act a certain way to be femenine either. One thing I really struggled with was the opinions of others and if they saw me as a girl and 9/10 times they do and will. Feminity is not just in your presentation but also in your energy. Wearing boyish clothing or doing masculine things doesnt take away from your feminine side. Also work on that internalised mysoginy it really fucks up not only your connection with women and men but also your own self worth.

No. 198938

Those are strange hours he works, like what does he do that confines him to such shitty hours? It's also bizarre that he would tell you to seek sex from others because he can't step up and fuck you passionately. Like is he glued to a desktop or something and wacking off while you're sleeping. Could he not forgo a bit of sleep sometimes to make a point to romance you?

He sounds like an ex I had. We started out with great sex but he went indifferent. Was inaudible during sex while I tend not to be, but it felt awkward af because I was emotive and he was giving me nothing back. It led to us having a dry spell that turned into something like 3 years i shit you not. He eventually even went off tongue kissing because he claimed it would make him horny but he didn't want to have sex?? We just did the odd hand jobs to each other as some shitty compromise. My attraction faded to him indefinitely.

No. 198939

I don't know how long you're together but hitting a patch where for a year or so the sex sounds pretty lacking/isn't happening as much and is awkward when it does.. that sounds like the relationship died a natural death already and you're both hanging on in spite of the obvious. Sex slowing is one thing but it becoming awkward is a major warning sign imo.

I know in the past I've hit rough patches with sex drive and I would treat it as 'oh sex isn't the be all anyway' but it is a large part of what makes it a relationship. Sometimes you find yourself slipping into being more like friends and roommates and it's hard to let go because well at least you're not screaming and fighting. The guy is telling you to go fuck other people though.. It's over.

No. 198940

Although he can't directly change his libido, is he seeking professional help in managing his chronic pain and other things that affect his libido? If he values his relationship with you, he needs to take meaningful steps in doing that. Chronic pain can also be a result of stress. As part of being committed to your relationship, he may also have to take steps to manage his workload and reduce his stress.

On your end, it seems like your self esteem and anxiety might be affecting how connected you feel during sex. A therapist could be helpful for that, but in the meantime it might be helpful to lower your expectations for mindblowing sex, mentally stay focused on the small things that make you and him feel connected and work your way back up to sex that feels emotionally and mentally good.

Overall this schedule is really bad for your relationship. Are they any compromises he and you can make to set aside quality time together?

No. 198963

Nta, but a lot of what you're talking about is impossible to "take steps to fix" if you're poor.
From personal experience, sex with a long-term ex bf was worst when he had a soul-sucking body-ruining factory job and it and his depression only lifted when he managed to work his way out of that.
We talked a lot about it and problems stemming from it, but one thing he didn't do was tell me to get sex elsewhere. What the fuck. This has nothing to do with his job. I don't know what his deal is, but it's not good.

No. 198994

sorry for the wall of text I'm a bpdfag that needs help
So I fought my mom 3 days ago when I told her to stop the favoritism between my siblings and I, and to stop loading all the blame unto me while treating the rest of my siblings which last time ended up in my sister committing suicide and her covering it up from the rest of the gossiping aunties because she felt shame that her daughter died in such a way.
So I yell on top of my lungs at 3am because she won't remove my sister thats having her laptop open while I'm trying to sleep, I cried because I have sleep problems that ruined my mental health for years and my school/work life, that no one wants to acknowledge
At first she laughs at me and she thinks I will laugh back, but I shove her away and tell her I'm so tired of her bullshit so she says "why would you shove your mother" and I tell her, with all the shit she's done i wouldnt hesitate throwing a glass at her head
So she starts getting serious, and she asks why, which i explain, and she responds
"You can just sleep, the devils are getting to your head that's why you are yelling at your mother", I ask if she thinks I'm angry because of "the devils", and she says yes, and I ask her, whenever she negged me if that was the devils in her head telling her to do so and she stops talking, I explain that I can't sleep with noise, then I explain to her the vivid traumatic nightmares and vision i see when I go to bed to explain to her my situation further and how serious it is
And she says "why"
I'm baffled and I say, "why do you think I never had these problems when I lived with my aunt but they reappeared when I started living at your house again" she got mad because she hates being compared to her sister so she tells me to stop yelling and leaves me alone
Fast forward to today and she has tried to make me get on her side by forcing me into situations where I have to talk to her, which she always does, she talks to me softly, addresses me by my name, and calls me "her baby", obviously I know her scheme and I won't bite
So I lost my earphones that I put in a specific open place before I went out and when i comeback to my house, they are gone, I ask everyone if they saw them, everyone says no which is bullshit obviously, so we search through the house and my mom gets involved and presses on my sister and says that she would totally steal my earphones, that she is a bad person that loves bothering people, and insults her badly, her ranting started because I said that everyone is lying about not having seen my stuff because I put it next to my sisters belongings, and my sleeping dress which was also not there, so my mom finds in beside the place where I originally put it tucked in between the couch pillows and then says that I am a liar that accuses people, and I said that I never accused anybody of stealing my things, and my dad is on her side of course my sister as well, I say that she was the one who started this accusing game and that I only said that someone in the house saw my earphones and placed them somewhere else and she says that I am a liar and that I don't remember anything, I explain to her calmly then everyone sighs and says "just go to your room, you're good for nothing"
Am I fucking paranoid or did she do that on purpose

No. 198995

Fucking hell I just saw that wall of text I'm embarrassed guys

No. 199011

Anons, I need some perspective. I'm in my early twenties. I'm in my senior year of college but I feel like I haven't achieved much (especially compared to high school). I'm having difficulty getting internships and jobs. I feel like a dateless, social reject who feels like they're destined to be alone. My home life is just shit in general, it's never going to get better. I know everybody goes through this but is it normal to feel like a shell of your former self. I thought once I would get older I would have more opportunities to be my true self but I ended up becoming a self-loathing loser who feels that have nothing to offer to anybody.

If anybody has ever felt like, how did you change? Does it get better?

No. 199019

His libido was just super low. Didn't feel like having sex, said he didn't feel like masturbating, this has been a tough year and a half for both of us.
We have been together for a bit longer than 3 years. The relationship isn't dead, we both still love each other very much. Sex is a small part of life.
I sat down with him a few hours I wrote this post and we had a talk about it more. He said that he didn't really want me to see other people, he just thinks that I'm starting to find him unattractive and he doesn't want our opposing schedules to affect my sex life so much (and then he started talking about how he didn't ACTUALLY want me to see other people but was just trying to give me options that could potentially help me).
We talked about working on meaningful steps towards his health and decided to start doing yoga and eating better together.
His schedule probably won't change for a few months. I don't really mind waiting.
Yeah.. it isn't good but we're trying to work past it.

No. 199025

Couldn't the earphones just have fallen between the pillows by accident? Like someone or a pet bumping into it and they fell? Your mom purposely framing you sounds like a stretch but it's hard to say for sure without knowing you or your mom irl. Your family dynamic sounds unhealthy, try moving out if you have the resources to do so.

No. 199037

It's hard to read your moms intentions because you start by saying you're bpd and end by admitting paranoia is a possibility. It's not unusual for people with bpd to feel persecuted or purposefully driven mad by the people they live with. Then over time if they get proper treatment they may not feel that way anymore. It affects your perception and that's one of the most frustrating things about it, for both the sufferer and those around them. You can feel like the victim when you've actually become an abuser.

One thing is pretty clear though. You shoved someone and threatened to assault them with glass. You escalated things to a level that is pretty black white, no grey area there. Not acceptable, not excusable. You need to get into something like dbt if you're not already. Assuming you're an adult it's entirely on you to make sure you cut down the possibility of violence or threats and that you dont twist things to somehow make your reactions sound justified. You're being abusive.

No. 199058

File: 1627048146941.gif (519.81 KB, 498x308, tenor.gif)

I keep blowing my money on shit and it's gotten insanely bad since the start of this year. Does anyone have any tips on how to stop yourself from buying stuff? I'm giving myself the goal of saving up for a month. Thanks in advance for any help.

No. 199075

The last couple days I've been on YouTube binge watching old tv shows about shopping addiction and people who are in serious debt from it. Every time they uncover some underlying emotional need that they're attempting to fulfill. Ngl I cried earlier when I figured out what childhood/family shite still bugs me and affects my mood to this day.. leading to impulsive online shopping to 'cheer myself up' or to almost convince myself of my own value. My purchases then sit arouns unused for the most part.

Maybe ask yourself if there's an alternative need you're trying to fulfill with purchases, are you bored, lonely, do you feel loved, worthy, bad childhood? If it's any of those then nothing you buy (no matter how fancy) will give you more than a fleeting moment of relief.

No. 199084

File: 1627061286437.png (11.44 MB, 2200x2716, fuco.png)

I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, sorry for wall.

So I am a late-diagnosed autist, made no friends when starting universit, and got pretty deep into self-harming, but a professor who was also my personal tutor (UK uni) noticed my anxiety in tutorials and started arranging regular one-on-one chats with me to make sure I was ok. He was knowledgeable about autism and anxiety and genuinely seemed to care about my problems, and for the first time I actually felt genuinely understood by someone. I became less anxious and would talk about the self-harm and other problems I was unable to discuss with family, and he was the only person I talked to for a good 1.5 yrs before I got given therapy after being on a waiting list - he even said once he considered us ‘friends’, and we talked about other academic things in depth too, not just my health problems. It really helped me through university for a while and I even would be excited to go talk to him, and imagine having conversations when I was at home.
My mental health gradually improved and the talks became shorter and less frequent, and I got the impression that he didn’t feel a need to discuss my health problems because of the therapy, which is perfectly reasonable given that he is not trained and paid to do that, it’s just how a lot of our conversations tended to end up covering. Now after my therapy sessions have finished I still have this really unhealthy mental preoccupation with him, even though I am much more mentally stable, have a boyfriend and generally have less social anxiety (although I also haven’t had to be around people much recently b/c covid). I constantly imagine having conversations with him about problems I have and desperately hoping I can go back to having regular talks when next semester starts, even though we are now barely in contact. Even after getting a boyfriend and a therapist I still only feel completely understood when talking to him, and I even start fantasising about self-harming again just so I can have an ‘excuse’ to have long conversations with him again. It makes me feel really fucking pathetic, like an attention-seeker and a shitty person for constantly wanting to use him as a makeshift therapist and get myself back into a poor state of mental health just to have an excuse to be around him even though he is a busy guy. I don’t disclose any of this to him and never ask for meetings despite constantly wanting to, just because I don’t want to seem annoying and don’t feel I have a good enough reason (and no, I don’t want to fuck him).
I just don’t know how to get over it, it feels like I can’t control this obsessive fantasising and it makes me feel like shit for wanting to waste his time like that – I thought having a boyfriend would make it better, but it doesn’t, I don’t feel that same level of understanding.

tl;dr - unhealthy obsession with a university professor (not sexual), still constantly want to talk to him about inappropriate mental health topics I should be saving for therapist/boyfriend

No. 199130

How old is he? Is he a professor with tenure? If he's old and high up the hierarchy this was highly irresponsible of him and you should discuss your attachment to him with a therapist. Doesn't matter that it isn't sexual, it's too much even if he meant well.

If he's a young lecturer it's still a bit weird but you might be able to maintain some kind of friendship. I'm friends with an old lecturer of mine. Did he ever tell you anything about himself or were all your conversations about you? Were they actual conversations or was he mostly listening like a therapist?

No. 199131

I shoved her hands away because she was touching me and laughing while I was on the verge of tears, and because she has mentally abused me so much I told her that because she was pushing my limits, but I would never hurt anybody I have self control. I never even raise my voice or hand at anybody, or insult her, I just vent and then forget which she takes advantage of so I don't appreciate you calling me abusive for retaliating against a woman who caused my siblings pain and abuse that resulted in a suicide.
Oh no, I thought about it but the earphones were laying at the edge of the couch almost touching the floor and the outer edge of the couch and the inner edge are quite far apart and it was smashed behind the pillow.
I don't think that she put the earphones there but I do think she started yelling and accusing my sister to get me on her side, but it backfired against me in the end.
I kinda just wanna know her mental state when she did that.
She is a kind of person who starts yelling at people for the slightest inconveniences, complains about people when the person is right next to them, she talks to herself, projects her insecurities unto me out of everyone in the house, then she had extreme love and hatred for someone, never cries and rarely feels anguish about anything
I want to try to understand why she does the things she does but I can never understand her
I guess that's my problem

No. 199135

I’ve got a friend with this problem who has made me her gatekeeper. If she wants something she has to run it by me and I give the yes or no. Seems to work out pretty well.

No. 199186

Thanks so much for replying.
Older and very high up in the department, has the UK equivalent of tenure. I'm sure he had good intentions, but I am still so bad at reading other people I feel like I wouldn't be able to tell if it was getting weird or not. I used to have panic attacks in lecutres/practicals regularly and the lecturers in charge would ask me whether I have any friends or people in student services I normally talk to to help, and it would sometimes get a weird reaction when I said I only have this professor.

At first so the conversations would mostly play out as him asking questions and me answering until my anxiety gradually declined (had a nervous stutter) and I could talk more fluently, but still mostly led by him. He would talk in depth about his own interests sometimes, rarely personal stuff.

I had similar problems, the only thing that really helped me in the short term was getting this website-blocking extension for my browser and blocking access to all of the shopping websites I frequent. Obviously that won't solve it but if you have the urge and can't do it right when you want to, maybe you have more time to think it through and find something else to spend your time on.

No. 199194

Are you studying fine art?

No. 199228

File: 1627147982797.jpg (87.31 KB, 800x600, r0_0_800_600_w1200_h678_fmax.j…)

I live in Sydney and we have been in lockdown for a month now because of a big Covid outbreak. Today there was a protest in the city against the restrictions where 3.5k people attended (mostly maskless) and it's most likely this will be a super-spreader event which will lead to lockdown being extended for months.

For some reason this lockdown has especially been hard on my mental health and I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope. I've relapsed into self harm (I was sh-free since November) and my eating disorder has gotten even worse. I have school from home so I've been associating being in my house with work and I find it really hard to give myself down time. Whenever I let myself have a break to play video games or something I feel like I'm wasting time when I should be working.

When there wasn't lockdown I could go out with my friends for a night and not worry about work and eat like a normal person without worrying about calories because I couldn't know exactly how much everything was, but when I'm home I have all this information and I can't help but calculate everything otherwise I get extremely anxious.

I'm just so angry and sad about what's happened and I feel like there is no end in sight. I've followed exactly what the government has instructed throughout lockdown and it's heartbreaking that a few thousand people can ruin it for everyone else and endanger so many people. Sorry for the long vent but I have no one else to talk to about what I'm going through.

tl:dr - I'm finding it really difficult to mentally cope with lockdown when there's no end in sight

No. 199230

it's so shit what's happening in australia, your government is absolutely retarded and out of touch… i know firsthand because i lived in australia for 10 years. it seems like no matter what else is happening in the world, australia is always lagging behind anywhere from 2 to 10 years. it's just bizarre. i live in a "second world" country now and covid is pretty much over here, while australians are encouraged to not say hello to their neighbours. so so bizarre.

No. 199232

Someone once told me race/racism is a bigger issue in Aus than class/culture, whereas in most countries it'll be flipped or a tension between the two. Apparently in Aus it makes no difference if, as a minority, you're well-educated or wealthy, for most Aussies, being white trumps that. Was he bullshitting me? I found it really hard to believe.

No. 199233

I'm 19 and I've lived here my entire life and as I've gotten older I wish more and more I can move somewhere else after school. Scott Morrison's handling of the vaccines is absolutely abysmal and the only reason we got this far without an outbreak like the US was because of our population density, but now that's out the window.

I ended up getting the AZ vaccine even if it's not recommended for someone my age because they're saying the Pfizer won't be readily available for the general population until another shipment comes from the US in September. God I hate it here

No. 199235

That's unfortunately hardly unique for them.
How do you think white europeans (including absolute bums) feel about rich and/or educated gypsies? Yeah…

No. 199236

Yeah I think wealth inequality is a bit less of an issue in Australia than it is in somewhere like the US. Racism is still very much prevalent here, especially against Indigenous Australians and middle eastern people, and there is definitely tension between minorities and white people. Racist slang like 'wog' is thrown around a lot, even by my parents who are more tame when it comes to their view on other races (not white).

I honestly can't speak from experience here, however, but this is just what I've picked up from growing up in Australia.

No. 199237

What's going on with Australia covid-wise? Before they were saying how great Australia was doing, they were allowed to do everything while our incapable governments over here in Europe were just failing left and right. Austrlia was the big example of what happens when you have a capable government and citizens willing to stick to regulations. What has changed?

No. 199239

Our government was never actually prepared for Covid. It was just sheer luck with us being isolated from other countries and having a low population density compared to other countries that got us this far without a serious outbreak. Our prime minister absolutely botched the vaccine rollout by choosing to create a lot of our vaccines domestically while failing to reach production targets and over-relying on the AZ vaccine when we really need more Pfizer from the US, as well as being sluggish when it came to securing vaccines in a deal with the EU. He even went as far as to say getting the vaccine out was 'not a race'.

And then there is the issue of conflicting medical advice, where suddenly Morrison implored people under the age of 60 to get the AZ vaccine, which was directly against the medical advice that we were all given beforehand, as well as the media creating a stir about the risks of blood clotting due to the vaccine.

This is all just such as mess and I hold so much contempt for Scott Morrison.

No. 199241

Sorry, let me explain. Not on an individual basis. Obviously, a trashy member of the white underclass (one example) might feel superior to an ethnic minority based solely on race, he meant ethnic minorities are devalued culturally, there's a significant lack of respect that's tolerated there, with any white preferred. He's white himself btw, so not lived experience. I disagree that most Western people would feel warmer toward a sinkhole estate white 'chav' than an Asian doctor, for example. And the underclass is not deified culturally that's for sure, sometimes they are flattered/appealed to via pop culture so they'll impart cash, or they're riled up as pawns for politics, but there's low tolerance of doing this at the expense of minorities; although it does happen, especially via popular newspapers, it's criticized all the same. He said this is not the case in Aus, racism is overt and widely accepted. Like Western countries were 20-30 years ago.

No. 199242

That's exactly how white Europeans treat gypsies. I feel like racism against gypsies in se/ee Europe is totally ignored in any conversation about racism ever, but is one of the most obvious and most repressive.

No. 199247

No, why do you ask?

No. 199274

How can I stop being friends with this girl I knew since high school? She expects me to listen to all her problems but never once gave a shit about mine, even when I had a tragedy in my family. She's nice otherwise like when we hang out with our other friends but honestly I don't think I want to be her friend anymore. The length of the "friendship" plus the fact that we live in the same neighborhood makes it awkward for me.

No. 199275

I'm not from that part of Europe, I know nothing about life there, including any prejudice toward gypsies. I wasn't trying to dodge a touchy subject or anything.

No. 199277

It's all good, we're just sharing our different experiences. Nothing personal, I just reacted to issues you presented with stuff I know from my own day-to-day life.

No. 199300

You can either sit down with her and just tell her directly what you just wrote down ('I feel like our friendship is one sided and even though I listened to you when you needed to vent, I never felt like I could count on you. This honestly makes me want to end our friendship'. Ask her if she's willing to change this and be more attentive.) or there's the indirect way: just turn her off every time she wants to hang out and say you already have plans. After a while she'll just stop inviting you

No. 199302

Hey ladies, need advice. I’ve always dressed emo/alt but I’m considering ditching all of that and going for a more approachable, natural, basic pretty girl. I have facial piercings but I have long hair and i’m thin, so there’s that. Should I go for it, or does this seem like too much of a change?

No. 199303

What kind of weird underage b& question is that? Do what you like and wear what you like, idk what kind of advice you expect.

No. 199312

If you go for it then I'd make it a gradual change, test the waters with a few new pieces that you introduce in. If you change suddenly you might regret any big spending on it, you might end up feeling pretty uncomfortable with the style you've financially invested yourself in and tbh people around you migh find it odd to see such a sudden change in a person. Anyone I knew who did that overnight had some sort of personality disorder or skinwalking thing going on.

Take it slow and see how small changes make you feel.

No. 199336

File: 1627226564597.png (211.3 KB, 400x400, bras drying.png)

I hand-washed all my bras and set them out to dry and now they all smell mildewey. How do I fix this? washing in a machine isn't really an option, as I can't get out to a laundromat in the middle of the week. I have a steamer if that helps.

No. 199349

Do you have an air conditioner or a fan you can put in front of them while they are drying? Wash them again and do that.

No. 199367

Thank you anon. I’m honestly going through a lot in my life which might be why i feel like i need a complete style change. I’ll test the waters though and see how I feel.

No. 199374

File: 1627238753853.jpg (65.43 KB, 1300x866, 12324073-portrait-of-happy-off…)

Asked this in the stupid questions thread but didn't get an answer so asking here: On Upwork (or Fiverr or any other online working website)is it better to offer a broader range of services or specialize in one thing only? Would I be seen as a Jane-of-all trades if I did UX, translation and illustration at the same time? Or is that actually preferable?

No. 199382

Being multilingual may be a useful additional skill for a UX developer, but usually you'd be looking for a skilled writer to perform translation services. And unless you plan to also branch out into UI, or offer to do logos or something that your UX audience might be interested in, I don't really see illustration working all that cohesively with the other two. Not saying that you can't do all the things, but being good at UX or illustration isn't something you'd look for at all in a translator, and translation and UX also aren't skills you're looking for in an illustrator. If you're looking for translation and illustration work, not just UX with some bonus services available, you'd probably do better to separate those services rather than put them in one listing. If you were looking for an employer I think they'd look good together on a resume but I don't think they would benefit you together on a freelancer platform.

No. 199384

Okay awhile back I had videos of me taken in public during a freak out I had and I’m afraid they’ll resurface somehow. It’s not like I have a following at all but I’ve been thinking about starting a YouTube channel with my face and everything and since I’ve spent so much time on these forums I can’t help but feel like everything bad about how mentally ill I used to be will resurface. How can I get over these anxieties or even help prevent any irrelevant dirt from getting out?

No. 199385

I would say put youtube on the backburner until you think you would know what to respond with if those videos ever resurface. There’s no scrubbing them from the internet completely, as you know, and you should develop some self assurance that these videos do not define you.

No. 199387

Thanks anon. I know these videos somewhere but I am not even fully sure which corners on the internet they’re on. I can’t control them and while they’re embarrassing it’s not the end of the world. I’ve noticed a lot of anti-cows aren’t people with perfect track records but they just know how to own the bad things.

No. 199397

I have some mental issues and it's mostly coming from the fact that I have a low iq issue/am very slow mentally, and am also very clumsy. I'm pretty old but I basically am like a helpless child who can't do anything on her own without doing everything wrong etc. I cry easily because I struggle to accept all of my flaws, as a child I also used to get bullied a lot for being ugly, and I've only gotten uglier thanks to my fucked teeth and mouth. Today I managed to accidentally make my bf injure himself while shaving because I did a dumb thing without thinking again, and he's not mad at me, but I cried so much after he left the bathroom and I took some time to calm down and got out as well but now that I'm out I'm close to bursting out in tears again. I just feel so guilty and ashamed of how retarded I am all the time. He's playing a game again and said some sweet things to me but I still feel so fucking horrible and I'm trying so hard to hide it but I'm probably gonna have to cry in a min and tell him how I feel

No. 199403

What kind of advice are you seeking here, anon? Your post is kind of all over the place but it sounds like you have really low self esteem because you are lumping all of your life's problems major and minor into "I am an ugly retard." If you're genuinely ugly and a retard nothing anyone says to you will change those facts about you. If you're not an ugly retard (much more likely) then you have serious self image problems to tackle. You should seek professional help because imageboard banter is not going to teach you how to love yourself.

No. 199406

u wouldnt have a bf if u were ugly and retarded like u say u are
i think u have a hormonal imbalance and its making u emotional

No. 199410

Getting a bf isn't hard. What stands out is that he seems patient and understanding. Probably anon is more of a catch than she thinks.

No. 199414

My best friend (we've been inseperable since we were 14, until recently) have grown apart and aren't really friends anymore. Ever since I just can't help but be angry all the time, I can't be alone without thinking about it. How on earth do I deal with this?

No. 199416

Unfortunately it just takes time. I was in a similar situation where about 2 years ago my long time best friend and I had a falling out that basically just resulted in us cold shouldering each other until there was no more relationship there. It’s gotten better with time, the only other advice I can give is focus on yourself and try to lean on other people in your life if this is really bothering you.

No. 199418

>>199414 *my best friend and I, jesus

Thanks anon, I know it will get better some day. Right now I'm just so upset about it, especially because it doesn't seem to bother her as much as it does me

No. 199422

File: 1627268538721.jpg (19.71 KB, 400x400, be937604f6c7ece1134a1e023af822…)

I'm in desperate need of advice rn dealing with an orbiting beggar dude. I met this guy at work and apparently he had this huge hidden crush on me, and was trying to persue me even though he knew i had a bf. Aside from that, he tried to be "friends" with me and I can't fucking escape.
Firstly he will suicide bait me and cut himself if i dont give him the attention he wants, secondly he says I'm the only person in the world who can understand him and he infodumps his trauma on me all the time. Thirdly I absolutely no nothing more about him aside from his trauma because that is literally al he will talk about and i feel i have to be his mommy fwend and calm him down every single day. I've tried letting him know- "Hey man this isn't working out and I dont think we can be friends. This is toxic." and given him the reasons etc… Then he insists he's going to change, changes his personality for like a week, then switches to being a whiny clingy guy again who always needs my love and support (giving nothing back ofc, not even a "how are you" after i came back to work from the hospital for 2 weeks lmao). I'm not gonna quit my job over this guy so any do you guys have any suggests on how to get a beggar out of your hair? GIRL HELP

No. 199425

Tell your supervisor what he's doing and tell them that you don't feel safe around him. If they care at all about keeping you around they should at the very least make sure you two aren't scheduled at the same time. Even better if they fire him. That is an absolutely inappropriate way for him to interact with a coworker. Even the most heartless employer should recognize that kind of behavior as a huge liability for their business. Reposting to add I did have something similar happen. I never agreed to be the guys friend and barely made small talk with him on our shift but he would traumadump and obsess over me in front of customers, it was so embarrassing. I told management and he was fired without incident. He contacted me on social media a few weeks later apologizing for his behavior and admitting to having a heroin addiction, kek. Anyway point being use the resources available to you to help you cease contact with him completely. If he suicide baits don't give him any attention for it whatsoever. Worst case he's doing it just to manipulate you, best case he goes through with it, suicide baiters are scum.

No. 199453

Thank you so much!!

No. 199455

how do I stop being obsessed with someone? this is gonna be a really long post, sorry lol.

I am very prone to getting obsessed with people/things or being very fixated on them. anyway, I had this teacher 5 years ago at university when I was 22. he flirted with me - and I don't mean he just like made eye contact with me a few times and I interpreted it as flirting - it was pretty overt, sometimes his voice would change entirely when he talked to me, like go a whole octave higher and almost "baby talk" to me which is something I've heard other men do when talking to women they're attracted to. another time I went to see him at his office and he had a huge smile on his face. no one before or since has been that happy to see me ever in my life. he also flirted with another girl in that class who was even younger than me and he seemed to already know her, I think from subbing at highschools which he did before he taught that class. another girl in the class caught on to our flirting and ever since gave me super weird looks every time she saw me. nothing ever happened though and he abruptly stopped flirting with me about halfway through that semester, probably because he realized hitting on students was a terrible idea.

after that I was kind of obsessed with him, I found out his class schedule at the university and would hang outside the room to hear his voice (I only did this once or twice and made sure he didn't see me). then after that he just went on to become a full time highschool teacher. I thought he was in his 30's, but I googled him and found out he was 45 at the time, which made him 23 years older than me, old enough to be my dad. the internet also said he was married but he didn't wear a wedding ring and those "people finder" websites are known to be inaccurate at times. I also found his niece on social media, and from time to time I look at her profiles. no idea why I do this either.

even though I literally haven't seen him in years I still think of him from time to time and I'm not entirely sure why. the only time I truly stopped thinking about him was when I had a boyfriend, but that was short lived and after we broke up I went back to thinking about him from time to time. I mostly hadn't been thinking about him at all until earlier this year when he ordered from where I work (I'm a delivery driver) and I was the one delivering to his house. which was just… really odd, considering it's random who gets assigned what order(s), it was a busy ass day and I just happened to get his order. I didn't see him face to face because we do contactless delivery so I was able to just leave it at his door and then leave. but like, now I know where he lives. and lately I've been thinking about him more frequently than I think about my ex which is just really strange.

I don't know how to just stop thinking about him altogether. even though I think he's a creep I have a ton of nostalgia about that semester, and even just driving by the building where I took his class and being reminded of those times gives me a good feeling and makes me long for the past. I would give anything for it to be fall 2016 again. it's super strange considering nothing even actually happened between us. my only guess is that since he seemed so happy to see me, it made me feel wanted? or something? I don't have much else going on in my life either. didn't then, don't now.

I know I should bring this up to my therapist but it's just so goddamn embarrassing, I don't want to. I also grew up being obsessed with older men if that's relevant (I'm not anymore). I just want to be free.

No. 199463

I used to get obsessed with other people too. My realization was that the tendency to idealize people comes from having low self-esteem and not knowing the idealized person really well. When you don't know someone you let your imagination fill in the gaps and you delude yourself into thinking they are more exciting/affectionate/insert other positive adjectives here than the actually are.

What you need is a reality check: you're not the only student this teacher used for an ego-boost, you're just one of many. The reason he was always happy to see you was that he was flattered by your attention and it made him feel good. Trust me when I say this - you were not important to him, he was just feeding off of your attention. If the power balance in your relationship would have been equal - let's say teacher-teacher or student-student - he wouldn't have given one fuck about you. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it is the truth. A normal man with a healthy self-esteem wouldn't need young girls to feed his ego.

You should find a boyfriend so it'll take your mind off of him. Also, I think it would be an absolutely great idea to bring this up at your therapy session and talk to your therapist about it

No. 199464

Samefag. I have this weird feeling that I know you irl…I might be wrong though lmao