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No. 205674

Ask for advice on any topic!

Previous thread: >>>/g/176526

No. 205675

I graduated high school and turned eighteen some months ago. We don't have a lot of money and many benefits no longer apply to our household now that I am a legal adult. I have a lot of mental health and general health problems that I am trying to heal from partially through improving my diet. However, this is rather costly, as I avoid processed and cheap foods like cookies, pasta, supermarket meat, and so forth. Unfortunately my mother is very unhappy with me turning eighteen and cannot afford to pay for food for the both of us. I manage to eat along with her a little bit sometimes but the foods she prepares make me sick (health problems) and often don't suffice to properly fill me. I am trying to get a job so I can buy my own food and fix my diet. It has been very difficult in general. Not only because I do not have enough money to eat well, but also because I struggle with appetite and bingeing and purging in general. I have very little energy and feel unwell easily. This makes it difficult for me to undertake the things I want, for instance for university. I struggle just reading books and doing things because I am very hungry and weak. Aside from that, not eating exacerbates my mental health problems. But a lot of foods my body simply cannot take anymore since I have been improving my diet as well. It is a bit confusing and complex but overall I just feel lost. I have university deadlines I have to meet (applications) but for the time being I think I simply need to focus on making money so I can buy food. I just feel so lost and alone and as if nobody understands me. Doctors only recommend medicine or talk therapy and although the latter might help, it will not solve my physical issues. Medicine does not solve them either, it only addresses symptoms. I feel very lonely and am not sure of what to do. Maybe I am missing something? What would you advise me?

No. 205697

My advice would be to try to locate or access a free counsellor
/helpline/etc to help with your mental health. If you live in a country with some level of free healthcare there will have to be something, though the wait will be long. Once you enter university you’ll have access to free or cheap mental health services. I am speaking as a Canadian so not sure where you are from and how it is there. You might be able to find someone to text or talk to online via some sort of mental health hotline.
What do you eat on a daily basis? And are you at a healthy weight? It is absolutely possible to eat cheap and healthy - rice, beans, frozen seafood, frozen veggies, etc

No. 205736

I don't have insurance, but being admitted to a psych hospital is probably the only thing that might help me now. Would that be completely stupid of me? Is it even worth it or should I just kms at this point?

No. 205737


Therapy. You make it sound as if you only binge and purge the food you can't eat. Is that the case?

No. 205753

What kind of health problems? Can you eat something cheap and basic like the other anon suggested? Also unless you're schizo I refuse to believe nothing can help you. You are not beyond saving nona. Apply to unis (ask for help if you need to) because being a student will give you a lot of benefits. From healthcare to food it's your best choice.

No. 205757

I have so many friends outside of university but can’t make any in my classes. So I sit alone, don’t talk to anyone, and feel ignored in group meetings because nobody listens to my input. In any classes that drew a weirder crowd I made friends in an instant but now that I’m doing an Economics major nobody seems to be like me. I dress “vintage trendy” and like how I look but am seriously considering just wearing contacts, foundation, straightening my hair and buying more fast fashion clothes to see if that will help me fit in more. (All the girls in my classes dress the same and I’m the only one who has curly hair or glasses…)

No. 205761

Depends on what you intend to gain from the hospitalisation.
Psych hospitals are good for
>putting your life on momentary hold
>documenting (legally) that there is something wrong with you
>removing yourself from a dangerous environment… but they WILL make you go back

Psych hospitals also
>forcefully medicate you. Psychiatric drugs are generally harmful, especially to women, and you won't have any way to do your own research, much less a choice in taking them
>isolate and imprison you. If you stay longer than a week and don't go outside, you'll be more insane than when you arrived
>expose you to dangerous people and scary situations. Lots of people in there are legitimately crazy and may hurt you. You may witness violence and harassment against others. You are especially at risk if you end up in a mixed sex ward— and you will have no control over the decision to house you with violent males
>constantly monitor you. Good for security purposes, painful for the paranoid schizophrenic.
>overcharge you. A 72 hour hold costs thousands of dollars
>make you wish you never came

I once made the mistake of institutionalising myself because I thought maybe the doctors would help me. I was in the best hospital in the state! Yet they did nothing for me. My condition actively deteriorated under their care and I would rather die than go back to ANY mental institution.

No. 205762

Girl, get it together. The money and time you'd spend on makeup, hair styling, and clothes are obviously better used furthering your education. You said yourself that you have lots of friends already, so it's not like you need these cookie cutter Econ girls to fill a void in your life. I understand that being ignored in class is difficult. It hurts and it can impede your work. But losing an hour every day straightening your hair and doing your makeup will be even more detrimental to your studies. Not to mention how horrible you'll feel moulding yourself into someone you're not just to get a crumb of attention from people who won't matter at the end of the semester. You're studying economics aren't you? Cost-benefit analysis!

No. 205769

When you go on to work in different places you'll find that this just happens nearly everywhere. Not everyone will like you and you shouldn't obsess over it or change your style to somehow make them like you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with appearances and its hard to describe why you just don't mesh with a certain person.

You have friends already, you're doing fine in that regard. Work on worrying less about everyone liking you. There will always be people who just don't take to you. Don't overthink it.

No. 205789

You're not going to make friends in every situation you find yourself in and that's okay. Why force yourself to become friends with people you obviously don't have a rapport with?

I made a few good friends in university but only 1 of them I actually met in my classes. The rest came from societies and living with other people.

No. 205802

Thanks nonnies, guess I needed to hear this.

No. 205872

If you're in the US, you now are eligible for EBT. Apply for it and go to the store yourself so you know the food is good for you.

No. 205873

Yore probably eligible for Medicaid. Apply right now if you have energy, but know that you can apply retroactively while in the hospital if you have to. Medical debts are also not really enforceable.

No. 205882

crosspost but anons, wtf am I gonna do with myself. me and one of my friends have a sort of kind of history and have mutually acknowledged having feelings for each other before. but we both have boyfriends now and it makes me physically ill to think about her in a relationship with this guy. I have no right to feel this way either, I have one too. It's an annoying situation but I'm thinking about it way too much. help

No. 205900


Thank you for answering. People seem to have mixed experiences, but most say it helped them to fix their lives when they felt it was out of control. It helps to hear from people who willingly admit themselves too.

No. 205921

Am I a weird prude for thinking it's gross that everyone is so casual about sex and is posting nudes around and looking at random nudes and sharing porn and that every discord server seems to have nsfw channels that everyone is using? I joined a whole lot of discord servers to make friends but they all have nsfw channels and basically everyone is in there and I find it gross even though apparently it's the norm.

No. 205923

You're not weird. The hypersexual nature of internet culture is backwards and disgusting. Don't even get me started on pornography. It's literal brainrot. You don't have to accept nor conform to these values, and if you're not getting anything out of those servers I suggest you look for community elsewhere.

No. 205979

I'm the same, had a female friend once and she was always talking about sex, porn, etc, one day I just stopped answering her messages because I just couldn't take it anymore. It's not that I'm prude, I'm just not interested in what things people put in their holes or seeing them naked or how big his dick is and I'm happy that I won't find naked pictures of me somewhere on the internet, because guess what, there aren't any. Like anon before me said, look somewhere else, some people out there just feel the same as you do.

No. 205983

You have any suggestions for better servers or communities? I was in the lolcow server already but I didn't really fit in there either tbh.

No. 205986

How do I speed up my shower routine and still double cleanse and use shampoo/conditioner in 5-10 min max? My parents turn off the warm water after that time and ice cold water makes my body feel painful and tingly and just flat out uncomfortable. And there's no sink in the bathroom. Oh and my very oily hair doesn't like cowashing or washing it less often..

No. 205988

That sounds nearly impossible. Can you bargain with them? Maybe promise to shut the water off while you lather up and only use it to rinse. Otherwise, pre-planning. Use wash cloths, as many as necessary, and have them all covered in soap before you even turn on the shower. That should save you at least one minute.

No. 205992

You should probably get some dry shampoo, you can use it outside of the shower and it works well for oily hair. This is probably kind of obvious, but as your condition your hair do your double cleansing as it's conditioning it. I agree with the other anon in negotiating with your parents, that sounds like a very unreasonable time frame to shower (especially if you have longer hair).

No. 205993

How do I deal with my sister bumping into me because she's angry with me? She just pretends nothing's there when we happen to meet in the narrow doorframes, hallways and on the stairs and keeps on walking. She goes pretty far with it too, sometimes it hurts and she doesn't step out of the way if I have hot coffee or my laptop or something like that with me either. I've tried both bumping back and quickly jumping out of the way, pressing my back against the wall, but that often still ends up with me getting bumped into anyway and it made no difference either way. This has been going on for, literal, months. I swear we're both adults. Unfortunately I'm forced to live at home with my parents again because of an extreme shortage of housing crisis in my country, so moving out won't be an option for god knows how long.

No. 205997

Your sister honestly sounds very immature and weird. If she's still doing it even after you've repeatedly moved out of the way, she's probably doing it on purpose. Have you tried asking her what her deal is? Does she not like you, is she just being an autist and doing it because "it's funny", maybe she's just trying to annoy you in a sibling way? Either way, you should directly confront her (preferably before she does it again and when you're both alone together) and ask her to stop doing this stupid shit.

No. 205998

tell ur mom

No. 206002

Tell your sister to stop and fuck off. Your sister sounds so childish. This is the behavior of a 5 year old, not a supposed adult. If she doesn't stop, loudly call her out whenever she does it, especially if your parents are in earshot. If she's going to act like a child, then she deserves to be scolded like one also.

No. 206007

I would go the "quiet" route, like write her a note that if she needs to tell you something she can and that you both have to live there and that it's just horrible to be treated like that. After all you both want to live in peace and there must be something that is going on in her mind that she is behaving like an immature child.

No. 206008

Have you tried telling her to stop and that she's an idiot?

No. 206073

Nonnies I need immediate help, i'm a degenerate fuck (always use protection but apparently that might not help with herpes?) but I'm seriously concerned I have it, basically I have red acne like spots on the top inner part of my thigh/butt?? I shave daily and I did stupidly use an oldish razor to shave my lady area, what realistically are the chances that it's folliculitis rather than HSV? The spots don't look like typical herpes clusters but I'm sure it doesn't always present like that? Please help me out ladies!! (inb4 go to the clinic dummy because I am on Monday.

No. 206085

i dont think its herpes its razorburn, i feel like if it was hpv there would be blisters with green pus coming out, this is what i feel though ive never seen hpv

No. 206100

sounds like folliculitis to me! happened to me once when I shaved without shaving cream and just with jojoba oil (don't ask kek). it looked like my skin was diseased

No. 206204

What are some ways to become more photogenic? What are tips for good pictures? Especially posing with regards to composition

No. 206211

You can find a lot about this on the internet. Not to be catty but other sources will probably be able to explain it better + add examples than anons here.

No. 206244

Check out Sorelle Amore's videos on youtube, she is an instagramer and has videos on how to take good selfies

No. 206263

Sometimes the amount of information available is overwhelming, so then I appreciate recommendations like this >>206244, as it steers me in a certain direction

No. 206373

I'm sad and nervous about the thought of moving in with my boyfriend and leaving my mom alone.

We've been dating for about a year and he lives about 4 hours away. My mom is a bit paranoid and the only family nearby is my selfish POS brother who i can't trust to be there for her and who i frankly despise.

I feel so shitty about this and know I'm going to have to choose between having a relationship or staying with my mom and making sure she is ok

No. 206383

You can't find a place together nearer your mom?

No. 206384

He just started a good job where he is and HIS family is there. I haven't brought it up to him yet, but maybe I should

No. 206388

Why do his needs and family supersede yours?
>choose between having a relationship or staying with my mom and making sure she is ok
If they're halfway decent choose family over men, always.

No. 206390

Thank you for this. It is true and very useful advice

No. 206480

You sick lesbian bitch. How are you getting cock and pussy on the side. It makes me sick knowing lower beings like you walk this planet.

No. 206490

File: 1632219251561.jpeg (25.32 KB, 452x678, melty.jpeg)

Lately I've come to the realization that I'm fairly ugly, not deformed but extremely unappealing. I have a very fleshy, pouchy face with small features. Think moon face but flabby with fat. My only hope is if I become underweight my face can shrink and I have ok bone structure underneath. Current BMI 24. I'm in my 30s so makeup and contouring doesn't help anymore. Surgery is an option but threadlifts are often botched and look horrible. Full face lift is extreme for my age and I don't want to look like I'm in a wind tunnel by my 60s.
Should I get strict on a diet and try to improve my face or just give up and lean into saggy old lady mode? I'm sad to give up because I grew up poor and never got to enjoy youthful cuteness, and by the time I had money to glow up I started to age like this. On the other hand losing a lot of weight will make my average body ugly with loose skin. I don't want to be a surgery addict or anachan but I can barely look at myself in the mirror now and I know it'll only get worse.

No. 206491

Does it really matter? what do you believe you will get out of any of that besides make others see you as less "ugly"?

No. 206492

Better advancement in my career, easier to find love, have a wider choice of sex partners, have the self esteem to go after opportunities that involve people looking at me, being able to stand my reflection, being able to enjoy taking photos with loved ones instead of anticipating the pain of how awful I'll look. People in general being nicer to me and wanting to help me.
I'm not trying to be a Stacey but being a pleasant looking 7 would really help me with my goals and general quality of life. Right now I'm a 2 and I only get opportunities by catfishing up to a 5 or 6. I do wonder how much of this is low self esteem or body dysmorphia, but it can't be all of it because I'm genuinely phenotypically inferior to most women my age.

No. 206498

>On the other hand losing a lot of weight will make my average body ugly with loose skin.
Anon-chan you can avoid this by lifting and getting lean muscle. Your whole thing reeks of "Ive tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" but you have a lot of options. I know even the ugliest of trolls can become marginally better with a new hairstyle, clothes, even the way they carry themselves. I have a face that looks like a Japanese horror creature but I make it work. Confidence is sexy

No. 206510

I'm underweight with that same type of face so idk if weight loss would work

No. 206512

How do you all deal with living in a world where so many moids are happy to do horrible, violent crimes to women, children and pets? I was reading the news and I just saw so many distressing cases today. I've experienced a lot of bad shit in my personal life too and today it just feels like too much to handle. There are just too many psycho fuckers out there. How do you all cope? Except for "don't watch the news".

No. 206517

I cope by unapologetically hating men and prioritising the women in my life. In general I just don't care about men at all, don't think about them, and when i'm forced to interact I remind myself that they are not worthy of my time or energy. It's all about priorities.

Are you feeling guilty or just generally in despair? Maybe volunteer work or donating or any kind of feminist political action would help you feel better.

No. 206518

Despair and worry about my own and other women's safety. I've experienced male violence before and violent crime is escalating in my country because of testerical middle-eastern immigrant moids, aside from various deranged native moids we already have. I feel depressed and pessimistic about the future.

No. 206536

it will work i went from bmi 24 to 19.5 and my face slimmed, i have a big head naturally but my bones stand out more now my cheekbones are visible and my jaw is a bit more defined, people noticed it before i did, on the downside my nose looks bigger now but whatever i'm trying to aim for 18 and i'll try lympathic massages to make my face look more refined not anachan 18 is healthy bmi either way dont be too hard on yourself selena gomez and that girl from modern family have giant moonfaces but they're considered beautiful, i developed this insecurity very recently so i think most people dont notice or pay attention to that and women can definitely pull it off whereas guys cant, also fleshy faces look more youthful so even if you slim your face you might not like it cause it might age you a bit

No. 206543

>Except for "don't watch the news".
Why not? You need to unplug. It's like asking how to make the pain stop when you refuse to quit stabbing yourself. Constantly reading about male crime and violence is just going to make you feel miserable, and for what? Presumably you well understand that you shouldn't blindly trust men at this point. You've learned what you needed to. Now live your life. Hating men and constantly fearing for your safety are just going to turn you into a neurotic mess. Sure take basic precautions, but then consume happier media. Engage with your work or hobbies. Help a fellow woman. Go outdoors. Have a brief encounter with a male checkout person and realize it's possible to coexist with men without needing to feel panicked 24/7. I've been where you are before so I get it, but you've developed a depressive victim mindset and you're the only person with the capability to change what you think about and what you prioritize in life.

No. 206562

File: 1632272586911.jpg (68.25 KB, 720x831, Thesinglelife.jpg)

How do I stop feeling envious over seeing happy couples?

A few days ago I heard my friend spoke about how great his online gf is for caring about him, he was even telling his family about her too. I am happy for him but I came back to the same realization that I only have a lot of guy friends as well as guys in general who are just sexually attracted to me and they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I tried to focus on other things like work, hobbies and family but everytime I see a happy couple I just feel envious and think I'd never experience being loved for being me.

I'm only in my early 20s

No. 206563

this is extremely stupid but how do i get over the shame/embarrassment of liking certain characters? i know the solution should be "just find other fans of that character" but many of them are..very questionable (basically "aces", aidens, and that sort) and part of the reason why i'm ashamed in the first place, the other reason is a few of those characters are regarded as not well-made

No. 206569

I honestly think that you should just be unapologetically yourself, don’t feel bad if someone sees your phone background and screeches
Because, so what? So what if your favorite character is considered shit? So what if the story has plot holes, nothing will ever be perfect and your likes shouldn’t be questioned by any retard that crosses your path.
The things you like makes you happy, they’re not harming you, they’re not harming anybody and that’s all that matters.
And if someone ever screeches such things as
Just proudly screech back

No. 206570

File: 1632282106558.jpg (67.6 KB, 625x625, 4830924732067520.jpg)

>how great his online gf is
Online relationships are not real relationships for one, waste of time and I guarantee you that will fizzle out eventually. That pic gives me hives from both perspectives. I'm single and I am alone, who cares. I don't even have or want pets. Being alone is not this terrible tragedy, it's freedom. I don't have to put my desires, goals or health on the back burner for someone else. Believe me, I did that a lot in relationships. Many women do. When I was in relationships they looked wonderful from the outside and yes we did fun stuff sometimes, but in fact my exes were porn addicts, abusers, racists, narcs and liars. You never know what the reality of a "happy relationship" is, and when many inevitably fail leaving people middle-aged and raising kids by themselves, you realize how much time they lost which could've been spent building themselves up instead.

>I just feel envious and think I'd never experience being loved for being me

It's you nona. You have to love yourself for being you. Stop waiting to have your worth validated by someone else. Media pushes this idea that romantic love is priority #1 and there's "someone out there for everyone" but in reality a lot of people just settle and suffer for it. If you do encounter a truly happy relationship, know that is rare and something few people experience. No matter how great they are. Look at women like FKA Twiggs, Eartha Kitt, Charlize Theron, Lucy Liu, Hayden Panettiere, Rihanna, Marilyn Monroe. A lot of people were jealous of relationships they had at some time or another. These female celebs are talented, smart, beautiful, earning cash, and they were all cheated on, divorced, abused, discarded. Or have simply chosen to remain single because no one has proven a good enough partner. Does that mean they are/were just unloveable? No. A lot of men are fucking deficient is what's the problem. Doesn't mean they should be spending every minute thinking their lives are meaningless and unfulfilled. You have to be obsessed with your own growth and happiness, and if someone comes along who can complement that, that's the cherry on top. Not the main course.

It's okay to feel jealous of relationships sometimes. Grass is always greener. Just know many people in relationships are envious of single life more than they'd admit. It sounds like you're doing all right in terms of actions, but you need to fix your thoughts as well. Get really into yourself so you don't feel romance is a necessity for fulfillment. When that happens, the interests and hobbies you have will take on more meaning and importance in your life rather than just feeling like you're going through the motions. If you need direction to get started CBT workbooks are a good option, to deeply recognize your positive qualities and find out what motivates you. Also read books about/by strong people, especially women, who have done amazing things for inspiration. Start expanding your world away from the focus on romance.

No. 206582

I also think online relationship is a waste of time, especially when my friend rushed into this relationship 2 weeks after his ex broke up with him. I do sometimes think of the negatives about people rushing through the steps of being in a relationship but I can't tell if i'm being negative over jealousy or being realistic from things I've seen. I do love being single as it gives me time to work on my career, work on myself and hopefully travel but when i see friends post nothing about them with their partners doing stuff it kinda annoys me.

I do love myself and I know my own worth, I just hate how others see me as a sex object or exotic. It makes me want to get a breast reduction, wear baggy pants and cut my hair. But I love my body and my hair, I love being able to express myself through the clothes I wear.

Maybe you are right, I'm letting myself think that in society you're truely beatuiful and loved if you have someone who is willing to stick around with you. I need to book some therapy sessions and find some CBT workbooks too. While I was questioning my worth the other day I ended up drawing my feelings and it ignited an old passion I have for drawing. I've been so busy with work and people wanting to see me but now I want to make time to draw. Actually now that i think about it I'm way too busy to be worrying about relationships.

Thank you anon for the advice, I will keep an eye out on some books to read.

No. 206583

she looks kind of like venti

No. 206585

The thing is that I don't specifically aim to look at atrocious news stories online, but sometimes when I just look at the headlines and scroll through social media there are so many horrific stories and it makes me fucking depressed.
I don't have a problem interacting with men in my daily life.
But the sheer awfulness of men of the world gets too much sometimes you know?
The internet info overload is indeed a problem. But I also want to keep updated and not avoid social media. It's tricky.

No. 206586

Honestly I'd advise you to quit social media entirely. Shit is a cesspool. But if you're intent on using it, use the content filtration systems to weed out all the terrible news stories. I'm the manhating anon who replied before, though >>206543 has some good points about victim mentality. You can counter that with deliberate actions of self empowerment. I think the best way to heal your despair and worry is to work hard at bettering the lives of women in your community. If you're worried they're going to be hurt then damn, somebody's got to protect them. Become that protector. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see in the world.

No. 206589

I think you're right sis. Less social media. I'll have to ponder what sorts of helpful actions I could do instead.

No. 206615

this is phenomenal advice. super levelheaded and thoughtful. ntayrt but thank you for such a good take anon!

No. 206619

File: 1632344734584.jpg (42.76 KB, 1141x640, caaa4a52989eae608918e388efcc92…)

anons I am so tired, my roommate keeps burdening me with all her emotional drama and I don't know how to politely tell her to stop dumping it on me. she literally knocked on my door to tell me that she had a big cry and I was just in no mood to ask her about it because every day there's always some sort of friendship drama going on, or she wants to trauma dump on me, etc. I'm tired of it - I'm not invested enough in our friendship or stable enough to be here emotional crutch but I don't want to seem like a dick about it. what can I do besides move out?

No. 206623

maybe something along the lines of "uwu it negatively affects my mental health and triggers me"? apparently this is something people are doing to be flakes in friendships and tell their friends looking for support by saying not to trauma dump.

No. 206630

ohh anon i was in the exact same boat as you with a roommate in college who basically did the exact same thing as you described. i think the only thing that truly fixed it was when i moved out. i don't really know if there's anything you can do to stop her from using you as an emotional crutch, but i think it's okay to be honest if you really aren't feeling it in the moment. like saying "sorry if i'm not talking a lot right now, i'm just really tired". obviously you can't say that every time unless you really want to make it clear that you don't want to listen to her anymore, but when i was too emotionally burnt out to listen i would be honest with her about how i was feeling stressed/emotionally exhausted without necessarily saying that she was the cause of it lol. also i don't usually do this with friends, but i would try to problem-solve a lot with her and offer solutions and that would sometimes resolve the conversation quickly. idk i think that this probably isn't the best way to deal with the situation, but it's what i did at least. good luck nonnie, i know how stressful that can be.

No. 206645

File: 1632367027240.png (2.53 MB, 1920x1080, 05631747-B4EA-4FFE-8231-A26013…)

has anyone ever gotten a jelly pedicure before and if so, did you like it? i want to get my first pedicure this weekend but i’m overwhelmed with options but the jelly one seems fun or maybe i’m just draw to it because it’s weird.
if they suck or you’re someone that gets a lot of pedis — what do you recommend as far as the best type of one to get?

No. 206754

I don't know where to post this. sorry if it's too heavy or retarded.

I don't know what's wrong with me. psychiatrists and therapists have been no help, meds have been no help. nowadays my mind keeps coming back to something my mom asked me when I was young, "were you ever molested?" she couldn't understand why I was suddenly acting the way I was. I went from pretty normal to being absolutely neurotic, I started cutting myself, I started hating my body (specifically my breasts), I was so sad and angry all the time, I started hating being female and wishing I were a boy, then wishing I were "nothing" because I felt so inhuman, like a monster. just pure hate and disgust towards myself. I don't have a memory of anything like that happening (aside from being creeped on by internet pedos but I don't think that counts, nothing major that I can remember ever came of it) but the more I look into signs and symptoms of it, the more it… seems fitting. even the more shameful signs that I wouldn't dare admit to anyone, not even to a therapist. me being so neurotic really started when I was 12 maybe. since then I've had some bad experiences because I am easily manipulated and coerced into things. I've only gotten "crazier" because of it. but I can't pinpoint an original cause. is my brain just fucked up? I'm in a good relationship with a nice person now and I feel crazy, because I feel bored, like I'm craving something intense and damaging to happen. because I don't feel like I deserve good things, it feels wrong. I don't feel human. I don't feel okay. I'm rambling and I'm sorry. I know this doesn't flow well. I don't even know what I'm really asking here. I just need advice, any kind words, words of wisdom. I don't know what to do to be happy. I want so desperately to be happy and normal. I feel so lost

No. 206763

I know it doesn't help but, you're not alone in this, I'm the exact same way… I've even been asked the same question your mom asked you by basically every single therapist, it's such a disturbing thought to have. Once it's in your mind, it never leaves you. Like, what if something did happen, and I just forgot? But trying to think about it too hard can create false memories too…
I keep going to therapists and psychiatrists because I feel like a walking corpse, they go "you're depressed, take these pills and do x y and z" I do as told and feel better for maybe a couple of months, then start to feel this unbearable boredom and ruin my own life for literally no reason. I recently lost both my job and my flat because of this.
I hope you can feel better soon anon. Rooting for you.

No. 206789

i always tell people they need to get to the root of their issues and identify the material causes of their self hatred. in your case maybe that's not so easy, especially if you're looking for a Big Traumatic Event. a lot of the time it's a ton of little things adding up. for example my downward spiral began at age 9 because i couldn't handle the stress of precocious puberty, racial tensions at school, my parents fighting, my brother picking on me, economic recession, and on and on and on… basically even if the onset of your insanity was sudden, that doesn't mean there was no gradual buildup.

for practical advice, i'd try to go over everything that happened to you in your childhood. write out your memories, good and bad, including how you felt in the moment and how you feel about it now. write letters to your past self. write letters from your past self to your current self. and when you feel that itch to ruin your life, pause for a moment and consider what you were doing or thinking about moments before that may have triggered the urge. keep a record of it and look for patterns.

it's possible you might be autistic. i definitely am, though i only learned it recently, and the discovery answered a lot of nagging questions. the biggest one was "why am i so broken even though nothing 'bad' happened to me?" turns out i was just born this way, into a world that isn't built to accommodate me and my fellow tards. i'd definitely look into the signs and symptoms of female asperger's, if only to rule it out.

one book i like is The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. it has a lot of interesting literature on building self esteem as an adult. even if you feel you have a great relationship with your mom, i suggest you check it out. it's really helped me a lot in learning how to talk to myself in my head. there are also exercises you and your partner can do together to help you heal.

and lastly i think it's important that every person learns to meditate (i.e. ""practice mindfulness"") and a great place to start is the book Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. it's very easy to read. you can stop and start anytime, jump around between the short chapters, and so on. meditating in my daily life helps ground me in the present and appreciate what i have.

i hope you're ok today anon. i also hope some of this will be useful to you. be safe. i love you

No. 206835

thank you. I do think it's more likely it was a lot of little things… fighting parents, being my mother's therapist, pressure to do well in school, puberty… I do relate to certain symptoms of aspergers in girls, but I'm not sure, I seem too socially adept, I'm a bit awkward but I've always adapted quickly. I /was/ diagnosed with adhd in adulthood that seemed to explain how abnormal I felt. doing poorly in school really hit me hard, everyone was always asking me why I did so well on tests but never did any homework and I just didn't have an answer, so I internalized it as me just being lazy and bad. I felt like being smart was my only talent so I felt like garbage when my grades plummeted in middle school.

I'll read that book. I do not have a good relationship with my mother at all and I suspect she's borderline. it was like walking on eggshells. I just deleted a huge novel i was writing about all the weird shit she'd pull and it made me realize that it's more than enough to make a kid snap.

I love you too. and the other anon that responded as well. be well you two

No. 206842

First of all, weird interactions with men online can absolutely fuck you up. It doesn't have to be extreme to leave lasting damage. Secondly, I'm going to go against other nonnas and say that obsessively searching for a reason is not healthy. Sometimes it's a lot of small issues, sometimes it's nothing. Your brain is really good at protecting you from trauma, but not perfect to the point you don't remember a single thing. You always know something happened, you just don't process it right away. It's hard to explain, but in my experience it's not total amnesia. I always knew I was molested I just couldn't come to terms with it. Back to the point, I'd really encourage you to try and find a therapist specializing in cbt. No medication, just talk therapy. Or if you don't want to do that, there's worksheets online and a thousand books on the subject. I hope you find something that works for you and keeps you healthy and safe.

No. 206849

that's kind of comforting. I know you've said obsessively searching for a cause isn't healthy, but I'd like your opinion on a particular experience if you wouldn't mind. do you think seeing my mom being super weird in a sexual way could have also been damaging? it wasn't directed at me but it happened around me, if that makes sense. spoilered because it's pretty gross. when I was really young she would occasionally sneakily masturbate when I was in the room, at the time I didn't understand it and thought she was scratching an itch (as an adult I'm 90% sure that's what she was doing because I now recognize the, er, smell. gag). when I was a tiny bit older I walked in on her letting my childhood dog lick her through her underwear. she was smiling and laughing and saying his name so she was enjoying it, she only pushed him away when she noticed I was standing in the doorway. I don't remember if I understood what I was seeing at that point but it did make me very, very uncomfortable. I had no idea what to do with that knowledge so I just kept it to myself. I think the online interactions and then whatever the hell this was could have warped my view of sex. I've always felt ashamed of my sexuality, like it was something dirty and wrong.

No. 206857

nta but just reading that traumatised me. if you're looking for someone to tell you that shit is fucked up and it's understandable that you would be messed up by it, then i'll gladly be that person. i see why you'd get hung up on memories like those. i'm really sorrt you had to witness that.

nothing is healthy when taken to an obsessive degree. that doesn't mean you should give up on looking for the inciting event(s). i understand that you can treat a wound without knowing exactly how you got it, but that's just a temporary solution. it will reopen again and again if you don't address the root cause.

No. 206873

How do you find purpose in life? I feel like I’m here without any reason and I’ve never been able to envision myself further than the present.

No. 206877

That is a question only you can answer. You have to get in the shit pile in your brain and pull it out. Most people don't like doing that so they live mediocre, purposeless lives and become bitter.

No. 206879


the scary part: there is no purpose to life. the cool part: YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHATEVER PURPOSE YOU LIKE.

No. 206880

File: 1632541089548.jpg (104.3 KB, 820x960, allofyouiswelcome.jpg)

No. 206890

File: 1632542818406.jpg (30.82 KB, 500x500, RAISED IN CAPTIVITY.jpg)

No. 206917

I'm trying to decide whether I want to move-up in my ~cArEeR~ or not and I'm really torn. Please bless me with your insights, my dear nonas. I'll be moving from 30 hours a work week to 39. The quality of work is meh, since I'll be moving from a semi-varied job that's outdoors (with a nice view) to one where I'll be indoors and sitting on my ass a majority of the time doing reports, which sounds comfy but will definitely be boring. I'll be working strict 10 hour, 4 day work weeks as opposed to my current 6 hour and 5 day work week that's flexible. I'm currently working in a team, with people I've known for well over a year and we all get along great. In this new position, I'll be going in blindly and will be paired with a manager who I'll be stuck sharing a desk with for 10 hours. It's a very high chance I'll be paired with a normalfag scrote and it's a dice-roll whether we'll get along or not since I'm on the shy side and become very nervous and meek in new situations. I can be cordial, but it's difficult for me to hit it off with most people. I keep going back and forth, because I see a lot of potential for me to grow professionally (as well as personally) and it's an opportunity to look better on paper, but I'm scared I won't vibe and integrate with the manager and crew since I'm coming in from somewhere else. The pay increase isn't anything worth bragging about either since I only get a meager 50¢ bump with a chance to earn 2 more dollars an hour after working there for 3 years, but atleast I get paid lunches kek. If you anons were in my position, what would you do? Take it or leave it? And let me add, I'm in no dire position where I need the extra hours or cash.

No. 206924

I think it depends on the vision you have for your future. Do you want to work levels and levels above that promotion? If that's your end goal, then it makes sense to sacrifice the quality of your current position for a temporary slog in the next one. There's a very real chance of becoming depressed from the inactivity and isolation of the promotion. Only accept it if you're prepared to work against that negative mindset and move further up the ladder. Personally I am not ambitious at all, so I would keep working the comfy job.

No. 206957

I'm 18 and really want a boyfriend. Am I too young? I am occupied with my studies and my own hobbies and self-development, but sometimes I am not as disciplined or focused as I would like to, which makes me think I should not desire a boyfriend. I feel like a boyfriend is more like a reward or allowed if you have everything else in order. I have the impression that this is the wrong way to perceive the matter, but I am not sure and not used to thinking differently. I just wonder if it is healthy and normal that I feel guilty for wanting a boyfriend.

No. 206960

Your way of speaking is a bit odd, is it not common in your culture to start dating in your late teens? Where I am it's perfectly common and accepted to have a boyfriend at 18.

>I just wonder if it is healthy and normal that I feel guilty for wanting a boyfriend.

Don't be stupid lol, it's healthy to desire romantic and intimate relationships at your age.

There's really right or wrong thing to do here. It's normal to be interested in dating at 18 but if you want to focus on your personal development first, then that's also totally okay. The choice is up to you. The only thing you should watch out for is that you shouldn't sacrifice your hobbies, personal-development and most importantly your education for a boyfriend, but if you can juggle both that's great.

No. 206961

Imo, it's only worth it if you can find a boyfriend that adds to your life and actually makes you happy. There are too many women who stay with men who don't treat them right/make them do most of the work in a relationship. With all the garbage out there, I'd say it's more pain than its worth unless you have really high standards that will deter low-quality men.

No. 206963

I don't think there's any "normal" way to think about wanting a boyfriend because everyone's different about what they want. I think you're on the right track with focusing on your own self-development first, but I think that viewing a boyfriend as a reward can be dangerous because it's still putting the concept of a boyfriend on a pedestal. Being ready to date isn't necessarily about having your whole life in order, but I think it's more about knowing that you're stable enough in yourself to find a healthy relationship. I think the reason why people always say "work on yourself first!" before dating is because many people fall into the trap of wanting to be in a relationship so bad that they force themselves into a relationship that doesn't work for them. If you think that you're in a good place where you know your boundaries and what you want out of a partner I don't see any reason why you should stop yourself from dating.

No. 206964

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You're a young adult and it's a normal desire to have. I'm older and looking back on my first relationship at 19 I was a little naive and didn't know it at the time. You learn alot in your first relationship.

My general advice would be don't be afraid to ask friends or older relatives for advice if you ever have a disagreement or if something in the relationship sits funny with you. There's value in using other peoples experience to help you recognize what's healthy and what's not. Maintain your hobbies or your friendships and keep room for those things still. Always make sure the relationship brings you more joy than pain and if that scale ever tips over.. it's time to move on.

That and just be good about your birth control and having strong sexual boundaries where you don't get pulled into fulfilling acts you might not truly want. That seems to pop up alot now with men and.. women in their first relationship can very easily get sucked into being too much of a pleaser in that area.

No. 206967

It is common, my peers have had boyfriends or are currently in relationships. But they also have very different lifestyles and ambitions to me, which makes me think it is acceptable for them but not for me. I recognise that some of these doubts are influenced by trauma, but it is never black and white.
I struggle with this very much, because I do have a history of trauma and it obviously affects every aspect of my life. I know I have an unhealthy attachment style, for instance, and I am working on this every day, alongside other unhealthy habits or ideas I have. However, I also am just a teenage girl and would like a boyfriend, and I can never know when I have fully healed from these things. Furthermore, I learn so much from all of my relationships, that I am of the opinion that a relationship, even if it fails, can be extremely fruitful when healing and growing. Thank you very much for your response, I appreciate it. I think it is okay if I want a boyfriend indeed, it is normal and human. I don't have to be perfect to be loved, and desiring love is normal, it is not wrong. Writing this and reading your responses makes me realise that the only reason I worry about this is because I was raised to understand love is a reward for good behavior, if at all. I was raised to believe that I must serve and perform well, unless I want to be attacked and put in danger, and even then performing well might not pay off, it is simply the status quo. Me thinking I should have everything in order and be perfect before being allowed to build a connection just stems from having all of my connections from the past following this principle. I don't have to be perfect for love, I do not have to serve anyone or anything, and relationships are not tasks or jobs or rewards or achievements, they just develop naturally and imperfectly. Sorry for the blogposting, but I struggle so much with my sexuality and romantic feelings, and thinking about this has (thankfully) made some things click in a way that I believe I can actually move forward and develop a new way of thinking. As a result, I think I should embrace and welcome these longings for a boyfriend and see them as something normal and good that will be fruitful. I don't have to be perfect to have a boyfriend and nobody expects me to be perfect. Thank you again. I did not go back to edit my text because it shows my development of thought directly, haha
Thank you so much, I will 100% follow these principles. I am also very adamant in remaining true to myself and my boundaries. thank you again and also to the other anons

No. 206974

Not gonna read that wall of text, but if getting a boyfriend doesn't fit within your goals and ambitions then don't get one. Decide what you want or value more. You're always going to have to make sacrifices to reach your goals, maybe not getting a boyfriend is your sacrifice. And like another anon said, relationships don't always lead to good things, especially as a woman.

No. 206981

Good luck anon. I understand that with trauma and unhealthy attachment that it can be difficult to distinguish between what a healthy and unhealthy relationship is. However, it sounds like you've done a lot of self-reflection and the fact that you're aware of this is already a huge step since a lot of people aren't even aware of what personal baggage they might be carrying into their next relationships. If you're really worried I'd say it always helps to have a therapist to help 'check' whether your perceptions of certain situations are correct, but also I think you can just go for it and see what happens. Just make sure to stay safe and don't ignore red flags just because you think you 'love' somebody.

No. 206985

I feel like the vast majority of 18 year olds have no idea what 'attachment styles' or attachment injuries are so in fairness you're at some advantage if you've read up on things like that and if you continue to examine your own attachment issues.

I had 2 incredibly shit relationships behind me before I discovered all that. How I wish I had known lol

No. 206992

Okay, I'm just gonna put this out here - I'm an alcoholic with a strong tolerance, so I've been drinking incredibly hard in tge past 5 years. I'm tried to ask around online and google etc, but I want to make a decision. Should I go in if I have symptoms of kidney disease? My doctor just prescribed pepcid, but I can't eat without getting awful cramping, sharp pains, and some nights I wake up to violent nausea and vomiting.

Yes, I know, obvious stop drinking, you don't need to remind me.

No. 206993

*I want to make a decision based on more info whether I go to the doctors again.

No. 206996

I don't see any reason not to go to the doctor again in this situation, unless it's difficult money-wise?

No. 207015

Things are difficult money wise.

No. 207016

You need a doctor. If you truly cannot afford it, go to the hospital and refuse to give a real name. This is not illegal, and any public hospital has to render care.

No. 207017

How does one just walk into a hospital and ask for care without a name?

No. 207041

I mean, you just… do it? They will be mad at you probably but you'll have to live with that. Or if you think it's easier make up a name like Eleonora McSpalding Lakeham-Wothers, although I guess I would google any fake name first to make sure you aren't getting someone in trouble. Or just go with something really common like Sarah Smith.

It will be stressful but hobos do it all the time, as do people who get injured in gang violence and don't want to be tracked down by the police. Ok I got that one from TV but the hobo thing is for sure real.

No. 207065

File: 1632677240142.jpg (70.29 KB, 1200x653, DPQZEaDXUAUHBjD.jpg)

Anons, how do I change these specific patterns that I keep creating over and over?
It's starting to be a problem at my workplace.

I have low-self esteem and always expect to be rejected and hated by people so I withdraw a lot and usually avoid them. Right now I'm at a new workplace and I KNOW that going to the office and socializing with my coworkers is crucial at this point but I just can't make myself do it and at the same time I'm also paranoid that they think I hate them because I choose to work from home office. Whenever we do check-ins with someone I assure them that everyone's nice and helpful but I can already see their disbelief and the fact that they see I'm fucking insane. I was fired from my previous workplace for not fitting in where I made the same mistakes (self-sabotaged myself, avoided socialization with coworkers because I thought I was gonna die from anxiety, etc). With one-on-one interactions I can perform fine. I had an online test writing review session with a coworker and I could even joke around and have a somewhat decent conversation. Group setting? Impossible. I cannot utter a word. Also (I vented about this the other day), I heard someone saying in the background during a workshop that 'She never speaks' and 'she'd better start looking for another job' which sent me into absolute despair and I feel like I have already destroyed my chances at being on good terms with my coworkers.

I KNOW that all I should do is just….believe in myself, assume the best of everyone and be positive but like…how the fuck do I do that?

No. 207066

And before someone asks, I have been in therapy for many years

No. 207067

And another note: for the longest time I have wondered if I might be a narcissist because when I feel that someone likes me, I can chat with them just fine. It's when I feel that someone doesn't like me, it makes me want to throw up with anxiety because I feel that there must be something horrible in me that deserves to be hated and they picked it up.

The way I imagine it is that normal people have a safe place within themselves where they feel whole and secure even if they feel that noone likes them. I feel like I don't have that 'safe place' and I don't know how to create it

No. 207079

Have you considered social anxiety/social skills training? I know it's not easy to undertake something like that, I've been in your place, but your job is on the line. Also: exposure, exposure, exposure. You need the experience of social interations in various settings. You'll get experience and build confidence. It's like you need to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation first, learn from it and copy others, apply what you've learned the next time to slowly convince your brain "hey, I can do this." That's how I overcame my social anxiety and low selfesteem.

No. 207084

Someone I love very much just told me "I don't want to follow after you anymore."
I understand my wrongdoings and I've apologized, but what should I reply to that? I don't neccessary want to drag them back to my side since I know I can't change and I don't want to hurt them anymore, but I don't want this to end on a sour note. What do I reply back?

No. 207101

All we know is that you've upset this person, you realize what you did was upsetting, and you know you can't/are unwilling to change whatever behavior caused this. Just leave the poor individual alone before you do any more damage.
>I don't want this to end on a sour note
Too bad, you can't control how other people react. You've already apologized, from here on out the other person's feelings are their business. The only reason you should possibly be getting back in touch is if you've taken drastic steps to change whatever this negative behavior is, and that sort of thing takes time (months if not years.) Don't reply. Let them go and respect their need for space. Focus on being a better person if you actually want to do something meaningful.

No. 207159

File: 1632756390471.jpg (136.34 KB, 900x578, areyouwining.jpg)

help, how do i fake being put together for my family? i am afraid both my parents and siblings think i am a loser. i am taking extra time to finish my bachelors because i had an eating disorder and no money, then i got depressed and schizoid. i moved back with my parents last year and since then i overspent on takeout and ordered vanity items like game merch and anime plushes. i do have 2 minimum wage jobs but i can't keep my room clean or stop spending on takeout and ready made food. i have to pay rent but it is still cheaper than other places. my parents peeked into my room and lectured me on keeping it clean. nobody comes over. i have no friends here. i cling to my siblings and become excited like a lost puppy when they bring their friends. these people are younger than i am. i am an adult yet can't keep a clean room. i am so lonely i try to fill the void by buying things. talking about my problem to my family makes them think i am ill and pathetic. i hide my takeaway habit. how do i fake it until i make it?

No. 207198

Fake it til you make it doesn't apply to cleanliness. You have to put in an effort. Realize it doesn't have to happen overnight. Think of your space in sections, such as closet, bathroom, bedroom. Next time you catch yourself shopping for retarded weeb crap or even thinking about it, close your browser or app or whatever, pick a section to work on, set a timer for 30 minutes and clean that part of your room. Do not do anything else until your alarm goes off. No snack time, no toilet break unless it's an emergency, no lolcow or replying to messages or endless scrolling. People who have their shit together set aside time to keep their affairs in order. You aren't good at regulating that yet so a stricter schedule is the only way to get on track. A takeout meal is fine to reward yourself for your work, or a book that can teach you something you would like to learn, but stop buying useless toys, or better yet keep a one-in-one-out rule and sell or give away a similar toy if you want to buy a new one. This will prevent you from hoarding to fill the voids in your life, and make you think over your purchases more carefully to decide if you really want it more than the things you already have. Every time you receive a package of some retarded weeb crap you caved in and bought, do not open it. Set a timer for 1 hour and clean and organize your shit. Reward yourself with opening the thing if you did your best. If not, don't open it and try again tomorrow. It's ok if you don't get much done so long as you do your best and don't cave in to distractions until your timer goes off. It can be overwhelming if you have been keeping it messy for some time so don't beat yourself up for failing, but strive to be better.

No. 207208

Samefag, sorry ran out of time to delete and repost. Wanted to add: why are books/meals ok but plushies aren't, you might be wondering? Both books and meals have an utility while plushies and gamer merch generally don't. Food should be obvious, you gotta eat something. Takeout is a harder budget hit than cooking at home but you can work on limiting that when you've tackled these other issues first. If you choose books about things you want to learn - and no it doesn't have to be a "useful skill" by anyone else's standards, it could be a book about how plushies are made or the development and lore of your favorite game - your purchases have more value besides just sitting there looking cute. Any time you feel bored or unmotivated and want to shop, and you've done your time trying to improve the tidiness of your room, crack open a book instead and gain some desired knowledge. If you don't see the value in this just trust me and give it a try. This is an easy way to feel accomplished and can be a huge self esteem booster, along with giving you things to talk about with people you'd like to explore friendships with, and keeping you into a learning mindset should you intend to finish your degree.

No. 207279

My friend has this habit of quoting his favorite comedians randomly while we are having a conversation. How do I tell him it's annoying without hurting his feelings? Is there a way to give him a hint? He probably does it because he's too invested in them and because there's not much going on in his life but it's sooo boring and he doesn't get that not everyone is into comedians or what random celebs have to say. It immediately kills the vibe we're having and I want it to stop. I'd rather listen to anything that's his own opinion than these stupid second hand stories of people I'm not interested in just because he looks up to them. I love my friend but I don't know how to let him know it's autistic as fuck. I might end up just saying it how it is but I'd rather avoid being rude about it.

No. 207317

My mother is 57 and getting bad leg pains whenever she stands for too long. When she goes to the GP they say it's nothing big, and with covid going on, she says it feels like they're dismissing her. I want to help her before it's too late. She's slightly overweight so I'm going to change our dinners to be healthier– is there something in particular older women need in their diets? Any websites or tips? The only food I know how to cook now is the traditional meals she taught me but that's all high in carb with minimal nutrition. Breakfast ideas would be nice too.

I encourage her to walk more often and some daily stretching. Do you guys think 3k steps is a lot for her age? She's also asthmatic so I don't want to push her too much. Please help me, I just want her to be healthy and stop feeling unnecessary pain that can be prevented. My older brothers are useless and wont give a shit until its too late.

No. 207318

Damn anon, I'm sorry about your mom but at least she will eat what you cook. My mother is 63 and overweight and was almost pre-diabetic. You think this would've scared her straight but she is a typical dumbass boomer who believes that sugar is good for you and gives zero fucks and continues to eat like shit and wonders why she is sick and in pain all the time. She has the body of an 80 year old and it's fucking sad. I know one day she's probably going to get diabetes and get her limbs chopped off due to her shit diet. I just wish I could leave before it happens but I'm too mentally ill to be able to get away.

Anyway, any amount of walking is fine for your mother. My mother is also asthmatic. Nothing wrong with her walking 3K or for 30 minutes a day as long as she takes her inhaler. I'm not sure about the leg pains, but if you really think it's related to her weight you could suggest that she see a nutritionist. She could also try seeing a physical therapist (physiotherapist). It's good that you care, but coming from experience, if your mother doesn't care about herself then there is nothing that you can do.

No. 207341

How/where do you find and make friends? I haven't spoken to anyone in over 5 years, not even in passing. I'm a 20 year old NEET paranoid schizochan (untreated lol no monie) with really bad depreciated social skills and zero awareness of trends or memes or anything like that. For a long list of reasons, I can't go outside and my only real option is making friends online. The thing is I don't know what kind of community I can even join or where to find one. Discord seems like the obvious choice but I'm kind of worried about how many kids and scrotes are on there. I'm also afraid that if I do find adults, people will pick up how suspicious I am, or that they will look down on me for being a NEET and ill. Or that they will abuse me, since the last people I talked to treated me really poorly finding out that I was schizo. I dissociate most of the time and although I can talk during those times I'm really vulnerable and have no control over what I say and I won't know about it until weeks to months later, so I'm afraid of sensitive communities with cancel culture stuff in it and communities known for taking advantage of people too. I'm just kinda stumped. Finding communities aside, I know nothing about talking to people. I can pick up on jokes and stuff but I don't understand how to match people's energy or how to know what they want to hear. My authentic self isn't acceptable, I don't have an identity or likes or dislikes or anything to me at all, but I don't know how to make a more palatable personality and keep it going, or how to adapt it to different social situations. How do you come up with conversation topics or answer questions about how you're doing or what you've been up to if you do literally nothing all day? What's the highest level of anonymity that won't make people suspicious? I know people get uncomfortable if you refuse to give over any information. I was thinking of lying about it since I would look more normal that way but do I really have to keep up a whole spreadsheet of all the things I lie about? What if different people want different answers? I don't get it. I definitely sound autistic or like a lolcow or something but I swear I just haven't spoken to anyone in years and I'm completely lost on how things work. This was a lot, sorry, and I don't know if I made any sense but my questions are basically
>How do I find a community that works for someone like me?
>How do friendships and social interaction work?
>How do you go about being acceptable to other people when there's nothing acceptable about you?

No. 207343

If you could make one cool friend, JUST one, and get introduced to their online friend group… you’d get it made.

No. 207345


I will be your friend.

No. 207358

File: 1632902250385.jpg (462.27 KB, 1079x557, Yggroi8966469jht.jpg)

How do you cope with the fact that you will never achieve anything you want because you're too poor, live in a village and have no family?

I've been to therapy but it didn't help at all, we just did all the stuff I already know and am already doing - meditation, exercise, journaling and all that crap.

It kills me that I will never be able to get a well paying job because they're all in the bigger cities. I can't even get a car due to shit minimum pay and my work contracts being 3-4 months so I can't even take a loan. I'm also too old now to go to college for free, so again, money.

I'm just so fucking tired of all of it. My dreams aren't even ambitious, all I want is a gf to live in our own place in my dream city, which isn't even that expensive. Just a normal life. Why is this so hard?

No. 207371

How can I stop buying clothes all the time? I go through these periods when I just buy things every day and I really don't need it and don't even end up wearing a lot of it. Like I bought leggings from bombshell sportswear that were pretty expensive, and I've worn them like twice. I return a lot of things I buy but it's not just the money, it also feels like a waste of time.

No. 207374

You sound cool, I'd be your friend. I feel you though, I have one good friend from elementary school, I have my boyfriend, and one guy friend who is just an online friend. There was a friend finder thread here that was good, I talked to someone cool on discord for a while - not sure if the thread is still active, but you could look that up. Are you schizo as in schizoid or schizophrenic? Because I don't have experience with the latter, but my boyfriend has very strong schizoid tendencies, he doesn't go outside, it took over a year until he told me his name, he is very paranoid, etc. But honestly it's fine if someone likes you. If you trust someone and can be open about it, then that will help them a lot to understand your behavior though, but if not, I think if you have a good connection with someone then a lot of personal details just won't matter because you just like to be around them. I think finding good friends is hard for everyone though, some people seem content with having a lot of acquaintances, but I feel like having a good connection with someone is just rare.

No. 207382

That's a good point. I heard that most people branch out friends organically like that. I'll do my best to make a friend somewhere.
I'm not 100% sure if you're serious, but if you are, I would love to. If you aren't, thank you for the sentiment.
The same to you as with the other anon. Thank you for letting me know about the friend finder thread too. When I say schizo I mean paranoid schizophrenia, the whole 9 yards. Delusions, hallucinations, word salad and odd way of thinking, talking, and moving, the 5 As, all of it. I get a lot of false memories too, which is a cool double whammy with dissociative amnesia. Haha. Apparently it's a somewhat severe case. It's a relief to know that it should be okay if they like me and that it's okay to just be acquaintances with people if I can't make friends. Trusting people feels kind of Herculean right now, so I'm just happy if I can talk to people every so often that don't think badly of me. Thanks.

No. 207395

wish i could be ur friend.

No. 207406

Post your discord or a throw away account. I wouldn't mind talking to you if you really just want an internet friend.

No. 207414

Sure, it's lavender#8263

No. 207475

I'm struggling with this too. I've heard of this "shop your closet" method. When you feel the urge to buy something, look at what you already have and grab something you've never worn.

No. 207495

File: 1633016445386.jpg (35.41 KB, 576x416, Wendy-Darling-peter-pan-147759…)

How the fuck do I get people to take me seriously and as an adult? It probably stems from me still feeling and acting like a child but how do I stop feeling like that? What are the things that differentiate a child from an adult? Would taking up more responsibilities make me more mature?

And for context: I'm not childish in the sense that I'm skipping rope wearing pigtails in the park on Sundays, I just think sometimes I have a tendency to feel helpless, directionless and people pick up on that and feel like they need to mother me…?

No. 207582

>I have a tendency to feel helpless, directionless and people pick up on that
Are people approaching you out of nowhere to give you advice or are you oversharing about how lost and directionless you feel? It's generally good to keep things like that close to the chest. Some people mean well but you never know who may want to take advantage. In the long term you want to build more confidence by becoming competent, studying things that are useful in life and building self esteem (therapy, either self directed or with a professional). In the meantime, aside from monitoring what you discuss with people, take a video of yourself and try to be as objective as possible. Would you take yourself seriously? Do you shrink to make yourself smaller? Is your voice excessively mumbly, soft or high? Speaking too fast to get a point across? Are the words you use passive and indecisive? After you assess all that watch an interview or something with a woman you see as poised and confident and try to mirror her. Take another video and see if your presentation is better. It can be hard to remember everything at once so focus on one or two things at a time (like speaking slower and more from your chest). Fake it until you make it.

No. 207610

I am often so tired in the morning I'm not awake even though my eyes are open. I can't stand this state and it often leads me to waking up extremely late in the day. It feels so horrible to be so exhausted and I have nightmares about it a lot. People will be talking to me and I just won't hear it because I'll literally be falling asleep. I'm not looking for advice on how to improve my sleeping habits because I'm already working on it, but rather how to snap out of this horrible state of fatigue and delirium in the mornings so I can get on with my day and not feel so horrible.

No. 207619

Idk of this is the right place to put it but I was wondering if my Ex would have been considered abusive. They didn’t physically abuse me but they did things that made me feel bad.

Whenever I was having an off mental health day and looking for some sympathy they would blame it on my hormones. I would also find out later they would talk behind my back in private groups and shared things I said to them in private moments to laugh at with their friends. Then said friends would threaten physical harm to me because they considered what I said as “cringe” or whatever.

I would get upset when they didn’t reconcile my wants and needs and would ask me why they were so important to me, devaluing my feelings and making me feel bad for wanting and needing physical and sexual attention. I put in more than I was given. And I’m just wondering was I unknowingly in an emotional abusive relationship for like, years?

No. 207634

These were very useful points, thank you. I answered with yes to all of those questions. Whenever I have to speak in a public setting I think I make the impression that I just want to get it over with and want to disappear

No. 207635

It is a spectrum. You were on the low end of the emotional abuse spectrum I would say. There is no point in worrying about that, just accept the fact that you're done with that awful person and carry on with life. I'm sorry this happened to you.

No. 207670

File: 1633142113915.gif (9.3 MB, 520x293, coffee.gif)

No. 207775

My ex best friend just texted me for the first time in months and idk if I should text back. I've spent months getting over it and I'm still not over it, I don't want to know her anymore but I've turned into a very hateful person since we stopped being friends and I don't want to be a bitch lol (nothing spectacular happened that made us split, I was a dumbass, she trooned out and we grew apart). Should I text back? Just to have a civil conversation and maybe stop hating her

No. 207780

if any anons have experience dating men older than them i need to hear your advice/stories.
basically, i have the biggest crush i've ever had on this guy (regular customer at my job). he's pretty, tall, funny & sarcastic, has a good job, is athletic, has similar interests, etc. i'm crushing so fucking hard but the thing is i'm 23 and he's 40. i know that he's definitely interested in me but he's never been weird towards me or even overtly flirty. i just want to know what kind of unique problems come with dating someone much older than you? i can imagine certain aspects, but i just want to hear from anons that have actually experienced dating like this.

No. 207783

Don't do it retard, wtf would you want with a middle aged man willing to date a 23 year old? That's gross predatory shit, decent guys date women their own age.

Have some foresight ffs, you're gonna be 40 one day. Do you want the men your age to be convinced they can date 20 year olds instead? Because they will think that as long as dumb young girls enable their creepy asses.

No. 207785

"interested" doesn't mean he's romantically into you. and why would he be. he just wants your body lmfao. he's a grown ass man and he's playing with u and even he knows nothing real would be possible between u and him. get a grip

No. 207792

i see your point. this guy has dated women all within his own age range ~5yr differences so its not like he's on the prowl for young girls. i get how bad it sounds without context but he's not creepy, he's super kind and respectful. not just to me but to everyone i've seen him interact with. idk
girl… i'm pursuing him not the other way around. besides i don't fuck dudes willy nilly if he just wants me for my body (tbh couldn't blame him, still don't think thats the case) then he'd just stop entertaining the idea of dating when he realizes i'm not about sex w/out some form of commitment. before you ask yes i'm retarded, but it doesn't seem too far fetched to think he might realize he's gonna die in or around 30 yrs from now and could want to find someone to spend most of that time with. let me dream.

No. 207800

>he might realize he's gonna die in or around 30 yrs from now and could want to find someone to spend most of that time with.
Yeah he realizes, the question is do you? Do you really want to be with a fucking 50-year-old while you're still young in your 30s? You want to take care of his sagging geriatric ass while you still have energy and hobbies and a normal life? Or maybe he'll just discard you for the next younger trophy model at that point. It's well known outside of Hollywood blowing smoke up everyone's asses that men age like milk. He might be the fun sexy older man for all of 2 seconds but once the excitement clears (which won't take long) you'll be stuck with a predatory manchild who thinks he's still the "cool fun guy" for dating someone half his age when you both have nothing in common. It's incredibly cringe, and trust me you're not special to him, you're an exciting porn category/novelty. You're nowhere near the same point in your lives and that makes a massive difference in the ways you relate and how you get along. He will eventually hold you back and when you're mature enough to see him for what he really is, you will deeply regret the time you wasted with him when you could've at least been with a hotter, younger guy who is exploring some of the same things in life you are.
>let me dream.
In the first post you asked us to describe the problems with this scenario and now you want us to cheer on a terrible idea, which is it? I (along with some of the other anons I'm sure) have been with similar retarded old men that took advantage of us then got tired of the pathetic, immature losers they really were. We're warning you. Crush on him if you must, but do not take it further if you have any respect for yourself.
t. an anon who wasted a good portion of her 20s with someone over 10 yrs older

No. 207804

anon you're right ok i hate you but you're right. so thanks for putting the fear of god into me with the thought of him being nasty old instead of hot old. i'm bursting at the seams with hormones and i genuinely hate dudes my age. they're incredibly immature and stupid and cheat all the time even when they're ugly and have 2/10 broken dicks. i might just go be a nun because it seems like theres literally no good choices when it comes to men. they're all fucking awful i just want one thats like handicapped in one way or another that knows he can't get better and won't try. whatever im gonna go scream into a pillow now

No. 207806

>they're incredibly immature and stupid and cheat all the time even when they're ugly and have 2/10 broken dicks
nta but all of this applies to old farts too lol

No. 207816

i was thinking at least the old one has a decent paying job and doesn't use social media and has fucked enough to probably not be terrible at it, all things which guys my age aren't able to say for themselves. oh well lol

No. 207817

All these complaints you have about younger guys… consider that a sane 40 year old man should have the same complaints about women your age and see you as immature af, but even more so considering the significant age gap. Hopefully that puts it into perspective what kind of person he'd be if he took you seriously.

No. 207823

Every morning I wake up feeling like I got hit by a truck. This has been going on for years. What can I do about it?

No. 207825

First and foremost a bloodtest, could be anemia, hypothyroidism, etc. But depression could also cause fatigue. How are you emotionally?

No. 207827

The older men who are decent are all taken though, unless they're widowers

No. 207833

File: 1633262321818.jpg (75.71 KB, 1139x159, Screenshot_3.jpg)

I have this pattern where I lean on my imagination too much to regulate my emotions. Like something bad happens in reality, so I start reimagining the scenario in a positive way and start to get really detached from reality (while generating more and more feel good fantasies about imaginary relationships or success, etc) and when I start interacting with reality again, I feel disappointed, which triggers me to fantasize again and the cycle continues.

Does anyone else function like this? How can I stop doing this and what coping mechanism should I use instead?

No. 207836

Oh, I am due for a blood test. Emotionally, I've always been either numb or extremely sad, but there's nothing I can do about that as therapy is not an option. I just don't want to believe that depression could leave me this broken physically.

No. 207840

Depression can absolutely feel like that. Not to worry you but if you're in a bad place emotionally, your energy level will be bad too.

No. 207844

How can I stop obsessing over people?

No. 207868

File: 1633286632034.jpg (247.31 KB, 816x980, cherry dipped.jpg)

how do i figure out a good paying career/job/path? im close to finishing my a.a. in gen ed courses at 20 with no clue where to go to from here. my ideal job is wildlife biology but have heard its long work with little or no pay at all.

im considering a graphic design or paralegal degree and my dream would be to open up some small etsy shop one day lol.

i like music, creating, sewing, reasearching/learning and animals, but i have no idea how i can make a career out of any of this. i want to continue college because im worried i might struggle without it.

should i take a year off after my a.a. and learn some skills on my own? is there even a decent paying job i could attain without years and years of more college?

im really obsessing and stressing out over this and feel like a loser. i just want to make the right choices.

of course i have dreams like my shop or writing books but obviously a career with those things comes with luck.

No. 207896

Graphic designer here, big nope, i wish i had gone for my first option instead.

I cant really advise on anything else, im trying to go back to school for computer science rn

No. 207903

take vitamin d
people already told you this was a bad idea, but just to answer your question about the unique problems it brings: one thing I don't see people talk about a lot is that it can be very awkward to try to connect with their friend circle and family or bring them into yours, and it's only worse when they're cool people you like and respect. and I'm talking about <10-year gaps here.

No. 207905

How do I make myself eat more? I have a hard time with disordered eating (not diagnosed with anything so not going to label myself) and haven't eaten anything or drank anything besides tea with sugar in for nearly 4 days. Even if I'm at work and feel like I'm about to collapse I can't eat. I genuinely hate this, I want to eat more but I also have a personality disorder (this time diagnosed) that gets triggered when I eat because I can't handle the emotion if that makes sense. I have a voice in my head that will verbally abuse me over food. I can't afford to go on like this because I feel I'm putting my job at risk and just want it to be easier, what would help? I'll take literally any advice.

No. 207908

File: 1633309325514.jpeg (177.84 KB, 1280x1281, E8B1F142-82DC-44ED-A9E3-0650EB…)

How do you guys deal with shutting down as a response to stress? My childhood was really abusive and the best way to avoid the wrath of my parents was to disappear for long periods of time. When I was younger it would last for days, then progressed into weeks, and eventually months of no contact with them despite living in the same house. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house without telling them though, so I would just spend almost all of my time stuck in my room browsing the internet. I’m out of that situation now but I still find myself unconsciously repeating these patterns whenever I’m stressed and locking myself away even though I don’t have to. As a result I spend all of my free time scrolling while chores and my hobbies get ignored. I want to be able to break free of this cycle but I feel like I never will. I have website blockers but they’re not enough and it gets to the point where I uninstall then reinstall certain apps multiple times a day. Im super nervous about something I have to do tomorrow plus a separate situation I have no control over and I’ll Ive done today was scroll Lolcow and wasted a day off. I’m tired of being like this and just constantly consuming things to distract myself while I really neglect what needs to get done.

No. 207918

Not joking, find a hobby. Boredom and inertness leads to fixations

You will probably not find a 100% perfect career. At almost 30 now and without a degree, I've realized the keys to happiness in a career is minimal stress and to have a good work-life balance. High pay is not as important. Am I in my dream job or any job I wanted to have during college before I dropped out? Hell no. But I am very happy. The bills are paid. I get to spend time with my loved ones. I've gotten to where I am now (I work in a museum) by talking to people older than me who were in positions that I wanted to have. I asked a pastry chef, a security guard, then a museum worker. "How did you get your job? Do you enjoy it?" And absolutely get a degree, any degree, because it will open so many doors for you, even if it doesn't relate to what you'll study.

No. 207925

What I want to be: a person who exudes warmth and has no problem talking to people and build friendships
What I am: a severely avoidant and socially awkward hermit who dreads social interactions and has panic attacks just from being with people
How do I go about this?

No. 207931

What kind of work do you do at your museum, if you don't mind me asking? (ntayrt)

No. 207937

Honestly if it's that bad, especially in combination with your diagnosed personality disorder, I don't think advice from random anons on lc is what you need. You should probably get diagnosed and professional help, if that's available to you.

No. 207939

I have a current therapist but he’s not very helpful. I told him I feel I can only eat about two different types of food and he assumed it was because I hate different food textures? Which I definitely don’t and have never once implied I do. I’ve been feeling lately like I can’t rely on any professional to understand and have to do all the hard work on my own, it just feels kind of impossible what with that inner voice and PD.

No. 207944

Build confidence in social settings and social skills first which you do through exposing yourself to lots social interactions.

No. 207956

this really gave me a new perspective anon so thank you. i think im going to look more into opportunities with animals or wildlife and if not ill pursue a paralegal degree. either way, definitely a degree! just thank you. i realized i need to stop worrying so much.

even if in the future i end up finding a job i love without my degree needed, i always want to have that under my belt. i want to have that backup plan.

No. 207962

I'm a guest service assistant. I sell tickets, roam the museum, and basically get paid to hang out and talk to people about the exhibits. I absolutely love it! Granted, I had to leave my previous museum to get to this level of chill and benefits, I did not love it there at all. I'm going to try shooting for an exhibition assistant position in the museum eventually (basically an office bitch lol), to get an even more perfect work-life balance.

You're going to be fine, anon. good luck with your classes!!

No. 207996

So a while ago my boyfriend bought me a copy of his favorite book to read. I was sort enjoying it at first, but now I’ve grown to dislike the main character, and the story is getting into a territory I really can’t deal with. I’d feel better off just putting it down rather than forcing myself to finish it out of guilt, but I’m already more than halfway thru and I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend by not finishing a book that’s special to him. What do you all recommend?

No. 208007

Do you not discuss the book? It's fine to have a different opinion on something, that brings about even more interesting discussion sometimes. Sometimes I continue hate-read so that I can articulate why I hate a character or plotline, if you can handle it try that otherwise just put it down and ask for another recommendation without the aspect of what you hated in this book.

No. 208010

For the past month or so I've been fixated on my own mortality and it's exhausting. I'll be working on coursework or washing dishes or something and then out of nowhere I'll start crying and freaking out about getting cancer or just getting really old and feeling my mind and body shut down as I go through indescribable pain. I ruminate about the various stages of decay that my body will go through constantly, and I can't talk to anyone in my family face-to-face without crying anymore because they're probably going to die before I do - it's like I'm mourning people before they're gone. When it gets really bad, even looking at living things like other people or even plants feels nauseating. I've had two extended family members die of COVID-related causes this year and several health problems in my immediate family so that might have something to do with it, but what the actual fuck is wrong with me?

No. 208015

There's plenty of tv shows and films I've skipped watching (or quit halfway through) because I have a shitty past and while my ex bfs could enjoy violence in those settings.. I just can't. A decent partner will understand that if that's the issue you're talking about. I had one ex make me feel bad for not wanting to watch a show that's heavy on rape scenes.. he was an asshole in general lol

Plus it's fine to just not share all hobbies and faves. God knows there's 'gurly' faves that a bf won't want to go near either.

No. 208025

Male orientated works always have rape scenes lmao or a main character that they can project onto

No. 208036

Samesies. My most recent ex was pretty psycho in the first place but even then I refused to read or watch certain things he was into because I knew it would be stressful for me. So much "male" media is seriously just softcore torture porn and I refuse to make myself suffer through any more of that so I can be perceived as a coolgirl.
>I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend by not finishing a book that’s special to him
Look you gave it a shot and that's the most anyone could ask. In these situations you should always ask yourself how you would feel if the situations were reversed. Presumably, if you gave your bf something to read and he got a ways into it but stopped because it just wasn't clicking or some of the content made him uncomfortable, at least he tried right? You might be a bit disappointed but would ultimately understand/not want him to force himself. There are plenty of other things you can connect over and a good partner would never want you to suffer (even when it comes to pushing yourself through boring media) for their sake. Do yourself a favor and maintain solid boundaries and self care even (especially) in the midst of a relationship.

No. 208043

File: 1633380142994.jpg (6.63 KB, 252x250, 1571241123229.jpg)

anons I'm so behind on my final university assignment (which is late already due to health issues) because I'm such a doormat and let myself get guilted into covering at my overwhelmingly understaffed minimum wage job! how do I grow a backbone anons? I get hella nervous about asserting myself because if people know you're a doormat they treat you like you're a cunt when you finally start saying no

No. 208047

It's best to just learn to say no, I learned the hard way, but I know that's tough. If you really can't/don't want to say no, make up a lie as to why you truly can't pick up that shift. But remember, it's always enough to just say "No, I can't take that shift" with no further explanation. That's the best route to take. And if they keeo trying you can just repeat that and add "good luck finding someone else to take your shift!" to shut them up.

No. 208049

Just tell them bluntly, apologise for the inconvenience. It’s really that simple.

No. 208058

NTA but I wish more revenge movies with female protagonists didn't have graphic scenes towards them. Also 'Promising Young Woman' can fuck off: only the violence against women, none against men, because that is too ~unrealistic~

No. 208293

how do i find out if my bf is serious about us?
don't say
>just ask
men can lie for years just to have someone to fuck with conveniently
we been dating for about 9 months and he hasn't introduced me to his parents while he knows my family and regularly comes over
i asked why and he said his mother is critical of every one of his gfs and he wouldn't want to hear that bs about me
still he talks about us living together, how it's going to be, had talked about us having kids, starting a business together, and he is also generous despite still having student debt.
he is a good listener, and actually changes behaviors that bothered me. i am not sure about this mother thing. sure she might be a cunt but wouldn't he have to introduce me eventually? or is she such a cunt that i'd leave him immediately?

No. 208297

>he hasn't introduced me to his parents while he knows my family and regularly comes over
That's a red flag if it carries on without a very good reason to exlplain the difference.

I have a brother who is 37 and I always found it strange how he has never introduced any of his gfs to us (we're not freaks or anything to be ashamed of) but then he'd be soo friendly with their family and would visit her relatives if they were in hospital… it was always one sided though. My moms funeral.. just him, my wedding day… just him. This repeated in every one of his long term relationships. He's 37, never been engaged or anything, never shared a lease with a partner, has his own mortgage in his own name for years now. Always has a gf but there's no commitment signs. I can only hope he's not stringing these women along but I suspect he is.

No. 208306

Tell him that it's not his decision to make. You want to meet his mother knowing she could react negatively, but you're an adult and you can handle that. See how he reacts to you basically telling him that he has no choice. If he still refuses or argues after that, there's most likely a different reason he won't reveal.

No. 208311

Broke up half a year ago, ready to try to see people. Only online dating sucks. I work a full time job with hours 6am until 2, and I go to bed at like, 8. So that doesn’t really give me a good dating window. And it’s not like I have guaranteed days off either. So it’s deterring me that I won’t be able to meet anyone. And like hell I’ll meet anyone here at work.

No. 208316

i hope he is not that disgusting to be cheating on me or wasting my time. he could still waste my time after introducing the family though. or maybe they'd pressure him to be actually serious and that'd be the reason why he hasn't introduced me yet. i'll see next week, thank you anons.

No. 208322

If you have to wonder about it then he's not serious.

No. 208341

They will almost always choose their mothers in the end. If he's telling the truth and she ends up disliking you anyway, he'll eventually end up dumping you anyway. So you might as well get him to have the meeting with her over with. Insist to meet her.

No. 208447

I've always been the type of person to mirror other peoples personalities and take on the hobbies they do. I had some hobbies growing up but nothing too passionate. I went into a toxic relationship at 15 which lasted 6 years. I basically just copied all his hobbies and didnt leave his side. I am dating a new man now and I am trying to gain some kind of independence but due to the trauma I've experienced over the years and other factors, I simply can't gain any new hobbies.
I bought heaps of video games but I drop them in less than an hour of playing. I begin a book and drop it in less than a chapter. I don't even finish movies in one day. I am utterly depressed with my life, I am 24 and I have barely achieved anything career wise and I have nothing that I am passionate about. My typical day is simply eating, clinging onto my bf and sitting on my laptop watching dumb youtube videos and reading forums. I know that the solution is to take everything 'slowly' and 'step by step' but I try to do this so often and still let myself down. Has anyone been in as bad of a rut as I have? Has your depression overtaken you so much that you spend days doing absolutely nothing but the bare minimum? How does one even find a hobby when nothing perks your interest no matter how much you search?

No. 208458

Sounds BPD-ish? Just speaking to the depression/can't find joy in anything aspect, I found I had to fix my self image before I was able to appreciate the world. I literally did all the things healthy people were "supposed" to do like study, get a good job, travel, workout regularly, date, try different hobbies. Still wanted to off myself, like constantly. CBT was a big help to both identify good things about myself and break down unhealthy beliefs I had, like believing no matter what I did I'd always be a worthless piece of shit. Have you ever tried it out? If you can't afford a therapist there are a lot of books on the topic (that's what I used)

No. 208460

I tried a therapist before covid when my job paid more money and he also recommended cbt. Granted I am not a huge fan of regimented thinking patterns but I can definitely see the benefit of it, like rewiring a car to work properly again so to say. I should definitely give it another go, it's just so hard to focus on anything really. Fixing self image is a great piece of advice, however its so tricky to maintain, because when life gives you a big tumble all over again, your self image begins to waiver.

No. 208481

I just can't seem to make friends and keep them. I try my best to make friends but I think I'm just too weird and too scared to trust people too much. I always end up making friends who fall under "only there for the good times" type or "use and dump em'" type. Some of them are nice when I initially befriend them but later they will use me for something and offend me in some way so I quickly cut ties with them even if they sincerely try to apologize to me. I do have one genuinely nice friend but every time she wants to deepen the friendship level, I push her away. I think I have major trust issues because I used to be bullied since kindergarten until I'm in university (yes, I'm that pathetic). I also used to have a bff for 16 years but the friendship ended because of envy and competitive behaviour. I still feel sad that I lost my bff and reconciliation wasn't possible. I'm so jaded with friendships because I always end up hurt and disappointed. Yet I yearn to have at least one close friend to make life less lonely and boring. Sometimes I worry that I may be slightly autistic because I just can't click with people in general. Or maybe it's just trauma from being bullied a lot? I'm contemplating going to therapy but then I'm so embarrassed to go because my problem seems such a non issue and trivial compared to what other people face in life.

No. 208515

File: 1633643309556.jpeg (48.7 KB, 500x669, 9944498C-1241-492D-9E91-9AC1F1…)

My best friend is extremely depressed, so apathetic that she's essentially giving up on life altogether (but thankfully not suicidal). Her past experiences with hospitalisation, medication, clinical therapy, etc. have all been unhelpful and frankly traumatic. She has had much better experiences reading self help and spiritual books, but right now she can barely get out of bed, much less read. I think the root of her problems are feelings of hopelessness, self hatred, and fear of the future, all of which I understand and empathise with. Still I don't know what to say to her or how to act.

We're currently separated by entire oceans, so I can't pop in and check on her as I wish I could. Honestly we don't even talk often anymore, where we used to text a lot and even talk on a phone. Do anons have any guidance on what I might do to help her? I feel really worried for her. And failing that, some advice on how to cope with this myself? I have a hard time feeling so unhelpful, so lost, and so powerless in the face of all this. If it wasn't already obvious, I truly love this woman like a sister and I just want to do everything in my power to lift her up.

No. 208559

Ugh I wish I could offer helpful advice but I can't so I'll just say I feel for you and I hope both of you guys can overcome this. When I went through a bout of depression I was almost exactly like her. Now that I'm in a better place, my friend is going through something similar and I can't for the life of me remember what I would've liked to be told or helped with when I was depressive myself. Something that did make me feel a bit better was when my friends would let me pour my heart out and encourage me to rant no matter how frivolous my struggles felt. I liked when they asked questions to help me figure out the root of why I was depressed, why different self-help methods did or didn't work, etc. I hated when they gave advice though because it always felt so obvious and infantilizing.

No. 208596

Thanks Nona that's actually really helpful. She's the type who struggles to console and likes to give advice straighf away, but I have noticed she doesn't like receiving advice as much. I'll ask her open ended questions and try to get as much conversation out of her as I can when she has the energy to talk. No more suggestions, solutions, or platitudes… My goal is to understand her.

No. 208767

A very close friend of mine told me one of her roommates will leave because she found a job in a bigger city far from here. She lives with another one of our close friends and she told me that the girl will leave for her new job at the end of this month so if I'm interested I could leave my parents' place and live there.

I hate living with ly parents because they're crazy as fuck and I have no freedom and private life, it's far from public transport which I need everyday and from most stores in case I need to go grocery shopping. My friends's place is very close to public transport,from my job,from stores, it's not too far away from downtown, and the room I could have would cost me 300€ a month which is very cheap for what it is. But the apartment isn't in super good conditions (ot smells weird and idk if it's someone's BO or food) and a lot of things in the kitchen are nasty and hard to clean. I won't be able to bring my cat with me but I could just visit my parents sometimes to see the cat. On top of that my work contract is 6 months long and I have 5 months left, so I don't know if I'll have my contract renewed or not.

I'm seriously considering moving out. What do?

No. 208768

My bad I meant her roommate (singular) will leave, so there will be two people left and they're both very close friends.

No. 208770

Do it unless you can't take the financial blow of (temporarily) not having income if your contract doesn't get renewed. 300 euro is a great deal, at least where I am in a city and with the current living space crisis.

No. 208771

I have money saved and I could in theory get unemployment benefits but in my country there was a very recent change when it comes to calculating unemployment benefits so I should look it up and try to get a new estimate of what I would earn at the end of my contract if it's not renewed.

No. 208782

I've been struggling a fair bit recently and as a result didn't fall asleep last night. I decided to try to stay awake but then I fell asleep at 9 in the morning and only awoke in the afternoon. I'm really trying to fix this and get myself back together, but I have a lot of shit to do. How can I energise myself so I can focus and be productive today? I can't concentrate on anything and focusing my eyes is a struggle on its own. I feel so horrible.

No. 208808

My friend just told me that she wouldn't make le sign a contract if I move to her place and become her room mate after we talked about it once more and I'm worried this could become an issues later for taxes or if I'm asked to send documents for my job, I'm gonna ask her how we could solve this issue if I agree to move in.

No. 209073

File: 1633974270578.jpg (85.74 KB, 972x880, rkeough.jpg)

Okay so…help me guys. How do I fit in and make myself loved at my new(ish) workplace?

I have avoidant personality disorder and my first month at my new workplace - since there's the option of working from home - I did exactly what my disorder dictated and avoided going to the office and generally talking to people. Initially I did go in but I didn't talk to anyone because I was too nervous. The (obvious) problem is that the manager implied during a meeting that not going to the office for a long time is a no no and also there are people that I'm supposed to talk to about job related stuff (my direct supervisors) and I have been neglecting these things. I am planning to go to the office this week but it obviously makes me super fucking nervous and I know it's gonna be hard to go in and just pretend I didn't ignore everyone for a whole month and just be the opposite of my usual aloof self and radiate kindness and positivity. Also it just seems really hard to rewire my brain from thinking PEOPLE=SOURCE OF DANGER AND ANXIETY to PEOPLE=SOURCE OF WARMTH AND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOOD or shatter the possibly existing (really bad) image that people have built in their heads about me (that either I'm stuck-up and/or socially retarded/and/or I hate them and that's why I avoided them for a month).

And just to add: I genuinely REALLY like the job and the place and feel like I could be good at this position it's just the social aspect that I have always struggled with everywhere and also it's just generally hard to outwardly show that I care about things (or people).

No. 209076

You don't need to make yourself loved at work. You need to talk to your coworkers about work as it pertains to your duties and just avoid making their work life any harder than it already is (such as don't be rude or condescending, or waste people's time on the clock). Trust me the cool chick in the office doesn't have any more job security than you do by virtue of being friends with others. Your supervisor pointed out your shortcomings in communication and presence; no need to go overboard with fake positivity and friendliness. Were that an issue they would have spoken about that to you. Show that you care about your job by applying the feedback you were given and getting your work done.

No. 209079

I hear you but the thing is, there's going to be a feedback session after 3 months where they collect everyone's opinion about what it is like to be working with me and I feel like the social context is simply unavoidable

No. 209086

How about trying a different route: tell your brain "yes, people are a source of danger and anxiety, you are right in feeling that way, but… I have to deal with them a certain few times, and I would like to make those times not super awkward, if possible." Make that your goal, instead of switching 180 degrees to thinking people are a source of warmth. If you are ever meant to feel that way, first control yourself to deal with people well when you absolutely must.

No. 209103

I know this is a really weird one, but how do you let a long distance slightly autistic boyfriend miss you? I've decided to do what he's been doing to me and friends, and not be there to message back as soon as he does because he's overdependant on that. By being absent I was hoping this would help him understand how it feels when we all worry because he suddenly ghosts us for a week or a month. Should I just keep firm and not check my emails or messages for a few more days? So far, I've managed three.

No. 209104

How do I phase out of a friendship, where the person I don't want to be friends with is a part of a group with you and also dating one of your other friends?

Do I drop all off them? I would like to keep everyone else, but I just don't want to spend any mental energy on the draining person.

No. 209107

How about you date normal people irl? Autists don't care about brain games because they're autists.

No. 209109

Dating autists is not worth it. You can't win or prove a point to an autist since they're simply not capable of thinking like you do so you'll always either have to be the one to adjust or play stupid games, it's always going to cost you and only you.

To answer your question: you're dating an autist, as I said he probably won't understand your train of thought.

No. 209113

>long distance
>suddenly ghosts for a week or month

That's not a boyfriend, that's a penpal who apparently doesn't care about you. Whether it's due to autism or just apathy is irrelevant, you're wasting your time either way.

No. 209114

so… my younger sister is having some kind of gender crisis and it's stressing me out. i wasn't sure who to talk to this about, because i don't know anyone irl who shares my opinion on these issues.
she's 15, very smart and creative but too kind for her own good, and pretty gullible.
she spends a LOT of time on tumblr and discord. i know that's part of what the issue is, and i've tried to warn her about being safe online, but she views these communities as accepting safehavens.
for a couple years she's been open about being a lesbian, and i was always very proud of her - i've struggled a lot with comphet and discovering my own sexuality, so for her to realize who she is so young made me proud. but lately she's been calling herself "transmasc" and going by a new, masculine name. our parents have started using it around the house, and it's just… a little upsetting, i guess.
i don't want to play this game. i don't want to use this name, have this snowball into something harmful because i feel forced to support something i don't agree with. she has a beautiful name, her real name, and it's how i've known her since the day she was born. i don't want to lose my sister.
is there anything i can do? do i just play along and hope she grows out of it? when i was her age i thought i was nonbinary, so i suppose this happens to a lot of young people online.
our parents are very liberal. they didn't ask any questions about why she feels this way, just went with it. she struggles with her mental health and has been isolated from her irl friends due to the pandemic, and spends a lot of time online - she's said to me that it's the only thing that feels "real" to her. i feel like she's being indoctrinated. but if i say anything, i'll be the bad guy.
i don't know what to do.

No. 209127

I'm sorry anon, that's a really difficult situation. Normally there's no harm experimenting with gendershit when you're young like that since you normally just grow out of it. I'd say just be neutral towards it unless she starts pushing for surgery. I'm not sure how receptive she'd be to a discussion about it? Like, maybe asking her why she chooses to identify in that way?

No. 209147

This sounds sensible, thank you!! Yeah, I have a tendency to think in black and white

No. 209195

>we all worry because he suddenly ghosts us for a week or a month
I don't even thnk 'slight autism' explains someone ghosting their long distance gf for a week to a month at a time. Plenty of tists can keep contact with people they care about so that's a poor excuse.

This just isn't a relationship. He is not capable of maintaining relationships so tbh.. take his power away by ending things yourself. There's no loss here.

No. 209336

One of my classes is pushing me towards a mental breakdown. It sounds stupid when I write it out like that, but when I was trying to submit the homework yesterday my mind blanked from fear and I couldn't write anything down, even for the questions I'd asked for help on in office hours. I could only complete like 20% of the assignment while in a state of complete panic. It also feels like that professor thinks I'm an idiot (not just me tbh), and going to his office hour yesterday made my anxiety about that class get so much worse. I've had hard courses with sort of dickish professors before, but even those profs would still give some sort of positive feedback and explanations when I asked them stuff, instead of just making me explain myself over and over and then talking over me when my answer wasn't perfect on the first try. I go to class, take notes, read the book, start the homework early and so on but it feels like nothing is working and all my knowledge just disappears whenever there's an assessment. I'm thinking of dropping the class, but I've missed the consequence-free drop deadline and another withdrawal is not going to look good on my transcript. On the other hand, I feel like I'm going to snap in the middle of the midterm if I continue like this, so I dom't know what to do anymore.

No. 209367

Are there maybe other resources you could use aside from your professor? Like school tutors/study groups, TAs, other classmates? If not then it would probably be best to drop, a withdrawal would look better than a failed course and more importantly a dip in your overall school experience and well-being

No. 209393

I'm sorry if I sound retarded, I have no one else to ask.
I'm an 18 year old in the UK who's pretty autistic and I don't really have a family who helps me and no irl friends.
I have been a NEET for almost a year and I have no idea where to go from life now.
I don't think I want to go to Uni, but I honestly have no idea how to get a job.
I live in the countryside with little job opportunities.
I guess I'm just asking for general life advice, or perhaps job advice.
I feel like I'm just rotting away as a NEET and I don't know how to improve my life.
I know the first step is probably to get a job but as pathetic as it is to admit, I'm scared.

No. 209402

maybe try to get her to spend a few months off tumblr and then see how she feels about the situation. show her some studies of mental health getting worse from time spent online. I'm sorry anon, I was raised on tumblr from like age 14 to 17 and it really is a toxic environment for teenagers

No. 209415

New life phases are scary. If you have ok transportation where you live, look for jobs outside your town.

Look up resume examples and if you had any internships, short jobs, helped anywhere write it down.

It also took me a whole year to get my first shit job. It sucks but once you start it will get easier.

No. 209457

How/where would I find a therapist who isn't a troon panderer/ won't encourage the patient to troon out? Not for me, although the last time I was in therapy it was pretty annoying to bring up GC stuff and have her completely miss the point. I got past it enough to be able to get something out of it, but it was far from my first time in therapy so I knew how to make it work. I don't want the person in question having a bad first experience being vulnerable with a stranger.

No. 209461

What are they seeking therapy for? Usually therapists will have specialties. If they seem to do everything then they're probably not a good fit. Find someone who specializes in the types of issues the person is seeking help with and doesn't seem to work with gender identity issues often enough to mention them.

No. 209462

This is a GNC person with depression and hangups related to it among other things, I feel like it should be mentioned

No. 209469

That's going to be tricky, then. Maybe look for a therapist who is a lesbian?

No. 209564

PLEASE HELP ME please I need help ASAP so this is going to be written really messily. I have really really bad anxiety (result of diagnosed CPTSD) to the point that I completley blank out on everything, I become physically ill and dissociate. I had this during my exams and I had to be escorted because I was breaking down in the exam hall. I am having the same now. We are a few months further now and I am trying to write my application for university. I have been trying for weeks now and I just have not been succeeding. I keep blanking. I have less than an hour to send in my personal statement. I have written some things but its not enough. I need help, any advice for things that could help right now to get me over this anxiety and mind block so i can write and send in something in lesss than an hour. I have such bad stomach ache it is so painful. please help me anything to get over this paralysing anxiety and pain and in the mindset to work

No. 209574

anon I'm seeing this too late, did you at least send something ? Can you seek professional help ? I'm sending you all my encouragement nonnie, and I hope you are doing ok.

No. 209578

maybe you shouldn't be in university until you can function better.

No. 209617

is selling clothes on depop/ebay a pain in the ass?

I have a huge clothing hoard, mostly of stuff I like but that I don't have room for, also need to move out and will definitely not have room for it then. I usually just dump my excess stuff off at thrift stores, but I am thinking of selling it. some of it is stuff I got at fred meyer/H&M/burlington etc. some of it is thrifted and some of it is higher quality like torrid and black craft. I just don't know if reselling it would be worth it though. I've never mailed anything in my life other than post cards, it seems like a hassle. I am also afraid of customers trying to scam me and stuff like that, which probably doesn't happen very often but I have still heard of it happening. I also have books I want to sell.

No. 209622

Ok so it's currently three in the morning and my neighbour is having a loud, weed-smoking gathering in his bedroom. The walls are very thin and obviously neither me or my partner can sleep through it. We only moved in a couple of weeks ago but a few things are putting me off sending a note or knocking to ask him to keep it down/move downstairs where we won't be able to hear him.
1. Their house is filthy - really dirty windows, weeds growing a foot high, cigarette butts all dropped at the front door.
2. He has women coming around in the middle of the night for these gatherings and I'm worried he might be paying them or something because why else would they willingly go into a house so obviously dirty.
Ergo I'm worried he's a weirdo and might take our asking him to keep it down as some kind of offence and go out of his way to make us miserable.
If you's were concerned similarly - would you just get a good pair of earplugs, write some nights off, and just endure it? That's what I'd prefer to do but my partner is pissed at the inconsideration and wants to send the note at the very least. Help

No. 209623

Anon I'm seeing this late, but I wish I could've replied to you sooner. I hope you're doing better. I relate a lot to what you said, when I was going to school I had debilitating anxiety and would just space out, I could not retain any information and got in trouble a lot. I have to agree with the other anon that, for your own sake, you should reconsider attending university at this time. I know society says we have to graduate at a certain age, but that's not true at all and trying to force yourself will just be worse for you in the long run. You need to focus on your own health and finding ways of treatment for your anxiety.

No. 209624

You're right that it is suspicious that a lot of women are cycling through, but they could be a bunch of ordinary potheads (maybe junkies too) just having smoke sessions. Leaving a note or confronting them directly (with your boyfriend, of course) is a good idea. If it escalates at all or they seem to take it the wrong way, I would recommend getting the police involved for at least the noise disturbances they've been causing. I'm not trying to scare you anon, but I was in a similar situation a few years back and it turned out the neighbor was running an illegal prostitution ring and some of the girls were underaged. This case probably (hopefully) isn't as extreme, but I would tread very carefully and be ready to get the police involved if anything bad happens.

No. 209644

How to get rid of the stressful and bad feeling inside me (especially chest)?
I run, meet up with friends and don't procrastinate but it doesn't help at all. Would meditation help? How do you make yourself feel better if you feel some sort of breakdown coming on?

No. 209645

Do you know what the source of the bad feeling is?

No. 209646

General events going on in my life that I can't remove from it. Stressful school, family issues, failed relationships and generally being an anxious person/a downer.

No. 209670

is it normal for a male doctor to pull your trousers and underwear down without asking? first he told me to pull my trousers down on the examination table. i asked "is that enough?" twice and he didn't answer my question but replied "relax, relax. do you know how to relax?" so i put my hands to the side thinking it was enough. unexpectedly he pulled my trousers and underwear down an embarrassing amount so my pubes were out and immediately started asking if i have a boyfriend and if i have sex while feeling around the bladder and groin areas for pain. i wish he would've asked those questions in the convo we'd just had when i was dressed and not laying

he'd been told by a receptionist what i was there for before the appointment (pain near the bladder) yet nobody else was in the room. the other four times this year i've visited during the busy pandemic a female nurse was either present or offered for touching tests. he said to stand up from the examination table and cough a few times. when i stood up my pubes were close in front of his face because he stayed in the examination table chair. according to google it's a hernia test and later he did say there wasn't a hernia unlike what he'd been thinking but i waited for "it's okay to pull everything back up because the tests are done" while we talked but he never let on. i only got the clue when he walked to the other seats. not trying to be dramatic since i'm obviously just another patient for him and poor etiquette is a thing. i was simply unprepared and need to know what to expect in the future

No. 209678

I suddenly have this bone-like bump under my right knee cap that hasn't gone away in two weeks. I thought it was Osgood-Schlatter disease, but I don't feel that much pain on it anymore. I normally love to show my legs so I'm feeling shitty about it.

No. 209689

Eughhh please ask for a female nurse / doctor non.

No. 209690

File: 1634395782650.jpg (82.5 KB, 530x327, kill_him.jpg)

nonnie, that can't be right.
>relax, relax. do you know how to relax
this part made my skin crawl, he knew you were anxious and he choose to act that way, fucking creep. I'm so sorry

No. 209691

Sounds very inappropriate to me, I'd file a complaint personally. Also it's not your fault for being unprepared, you don't have to prepare anything unless it's on doctor's orders. It's not you who works in the medical field, he should've told you to pull up your pants ffs.

No. 209700

That's definitely inappropriate, I've had the hernia test before and it wasn't like that. Maybe tell the practice if you feel like it.

Male doctors are so creepy and dismissive. I refuse to have any doctor be male, even my dentist.

No. 209775

I'm looking to lose maybe 10-15 pounds, but I'm just kind of clueless on how to lose weight successfully. I have lost weight in the past, but usually it was pretty unintentional and it would just happen because I was more busy so not eating as much, more active because of summer, etc. For farmers who have lost that much successfully in the past, were there any regimens or mindsets that really helped you? What did you do to keep yourself motivated?

No. 209780

Gonna second the anon saying you should complain. He shouldn't have pulled your trousers down himself and shouldn't have asked those questions while examining you. Also sounds like there should have been a nurse present.

No. 209781

Reduce calories only slightly, like 200 less a day, do that for like 6 months and you should lose weight and keep it off. Anything faster won't stay off.

No. 209794

How do I humble a guy who is flirting with 90% of the friend group? Think of the type of guy who'd do that, yes, that's him.

I'm sick of him dodging the question of why, what the hell he wants, and why doesn't he think doing this shit won't blow up in his face.

No. 209795

it doesn't matter? sounds like you have a crush.

No. 209813

How do I stop dumping my feelings on people I shouldn't dump them on? Alternatively, how do I pay less attention to my emotions in the first place?
If I feel upset or frustrated or sad I'm literally unable to ignore it and concentrate on anything else. I vented to my coworkers several times and in retrospect, it was a horrible idea. Also I have a tendency to dwell on the negative emotions in general while ignoring the positive ones

No. 209814

because it's fun

>what the hell he wants

to have fun but probably no strings attached/long term

>why doesn't he think doing this shit won't blow up in his face

he won't care because he just wants to have fun

Ime these type of guys only get serious once they meet the girl they want to make their wife and until then they only want to fool around with no regards for the feelings of the girls they flirt with.

No. 209854

>only get serious once they meet the girl they want to make their wife
Kek yeah that's the scrote monologue "I wasn't serious cause no bitch was good enough" when in reality it's because they start getting fat, bald and diabetic and realize they can't hook up as easily so they try to lock down the first bangm- er, woman who'll raise their spawn once they hit the wall. They'll always be dogs no matter what woman they're with, they just "settle down" because they become less successful at being fuckboys

No. 209911

Nonas how can I tell my therapist I don't want to keep seeing her? She's not a bad therapist I guess but she's not amazing and she's very expensive. Also last session she forgot to mute her pc and a video started playing while she was talking to me, she got upset and started complaining about the sound turning itself on or sth but my guess is that she's been watching shit during my sessions. I don't really care to call her out or anything.

No. 209971

You could maybe send her an email telling her that due to money/time constraints that you aren't able to continue with therapy anymore. If she's a good therapist, she'll understand and won't pressure you into continuing with her. You're the one who's paying her for services so you have every right to stop for any reason- and it doesn't have to be because she's a bad therapist. I think most therapists (if they're decent people) understand that it's about finding the right fit and that when people decide to stop treatment it's nothing personal- especially if you use the time/money excuse.

No. 209989

how do I gain weight? I am currently underweight and would like to gain around 14lb. I've lost weight over the last few months because of my loss of appetite, I also stopped eating so much junk food since it was upsetting my stomach. I've been eating healthier but healthier often means less fat. I've been told to eat healthy foods containing fat but the sheer amount I'd need to eat to gain weight seems too much for me since I have hardly any appetite and get full very quickly. I would just go back to eating cookies and other highly processed foods for the their fat but I really can't because of my health issues. any ideas or tips?

No. 209991

Eat nuts, healthy fats and just a small handfull is a large amount of calories. Just keep them with you (in your bag or on your desk or something) and snack on them throughout the day.

No. 209992

Use butter, heavy cream if you drink coffee, etc. Eat red meat too. Don't be so afraid to avoid saturated fats, they are played off as bad for you but the real unhealthy fats are trans fat and garbage cheap vegetables oils you find in most processed foods. What helped me the most was eating very calorie-dense food such as cheese, nut butters (natural if you can get them, with no extra added oils), steak, avocados, dark chocolate, full fat greek yogurt (you can add stuff to it to make it more palatable).

No. 209993

Also forgot to mention, if you like eating vegetables, I like tossing them in extra virgin olive oil and plenty of parmesan. It's a good way to add calories since vegetables are naturally very low in them.

No. 210049

I’m writing an essay for school about differing perspectives on a topic. I don’t mean to cause any offense because I thought it’d be an interesting topic to write about, but I chose reclaiming objectification. How some women view it as empowering and others don’t. It’s not an argumentative essay, it’s simply a neutral stance describing other people’s perspectives. I sincerely wish I had chose something else.

My main issue is that one of my main points is that some women reclaim/define their objectification and sexuality because they believe we live in a puritanical culture. I don’t know where to find recent examples of this, even though I know there should be plenty. Please help.

No. 210050

based PUFA truther

No. 210051

File: 1634621444539.png (783.52 KB, 900x600, 1537636788008.png)

help i kinda catfished my online crush. i wear makeup in all my selfies and i photoshop them and use good angles and lighting because im insecure and dont want people to think im ugly, so i look pretty different in my selfies compared to irl. but thats what my male friend thinks i look like. but then we started developing feelings eachother and we are a 'thing' now but not dating. but he says we should meet up in the future and idk what to do. i wouldnt have catfished him if i knew this would happen. i dont know how he'll react or what he would do if he found out. He might be disappointed in me and reject me. i do want to meet up with him but if i do, i feel like i would have to tell him the truth first, but im too scared. i feel ugly and insecure and pathetic but i like him so much now i hate myself for doing this. i dont know what to do

No. 210053

Do you look that different?

No. 210054

i probably shouldve put this in the relationship advice thread instead sorry

No. 210055

yea the pictures look like me just significantly prettier than how i actually look

No. 210058

It's honestly really hard to tell if you're a legit catfish without seeing for ourselves. If you look like the girls on /r/instagramreality then yes there will be a problem. But if you have low self esteem and zero in on flaws to fix that normal people wouldn't notice, it's probably no big deal. Everyone knows that filtered selfies in flattering lighting are gonna make you look better, it might not be that big of a surprise.

Start taking some less flattering/more realistic photos before you meet, to ease him into finding out what you really look like. That way it won't be less of a shock and hopefully you become less reliant on Photoshop etc.

No. 210061

Anon if you shoop your photos really badly you're going to have to come clean to him. I know that sounds incredibly hard, but trust me, it's better to confess than to have him meet you, see what you really look like, and then have it be all awkward. Plus it's better to find someone who likes you for who you are, no matter what you look like. Who knows, maybe he'll accept your apology and still be cool, even if you do look different than your photos, but even if he doesn't, it's better to confess this now than to let it get out of hand. If your photos aren't that badly edited, do what this anon said >>210058 and start taking a tad more realistic photos so he doesn't get whiplash.

No. 210072

How do i do an exam whilst I’m feverish and full of mucus? Can I wake myself up enough to concentrate?

No. 210088

I wanna leave my job and move out of my parents house. I have a good amount of money saved up to go somewhere for a while but I honestly don’t know what to do once I get there. I was thinking about going back to college since I never finished but idk what I would major in. It sounds dumb but I just wanna go someplace quiet where I can be independent and find what to do with my life.

No. 210095

you could try to live nearish to a public university, either in a city or a big rural campus, that way after you're there long enough to get in state tuition (usually a year) you can just take random classes that you like whenever you feel like it/have the time.

No. 210110

Seconding >>210095 try to find a community college that can transfer credits to a university. Take your basics if you still need them and take any random classes that interest you. When you decide on a major, transfer out and you'll have some credits that you can apply toward your degree so it won't take you long to earn it.

No. 210119

How do I stop being constantly negative?
I grew up in a household where the emotional atmosphere was really negative and my mom was constantly complaining about stuff. I honestly didn't even noticed that I'm doing the same until someone pointed it out. For me positive and negative comments are sort of the same and carry the same weight. Looking back, in most of my conversations I complain or just simply focus on the negative things but without noticing that I'm being negative, it's just a habit. How do I change this?

No. 210126

Maybe try gratitude journaling? Basically it's just to write about what you're grateful for. Just a few sentences at the end of your day, it may help you become more aware of positive things and to see and remember them during the day as well.

No. 210128

Seconding. Journaling in journal has helped me with this.

No. 210187

having a mental health crisis so I want to call in sick to work, but we are short staffed and I'm scared of being berated for leaving them in the lurch or being coaxed into coming in. how can I phrase it in a way that would stop this from happening? I don't work around food so using vomiting as an excuse won't work

No. 210229

say you have a family emergency and don't elaborate or diarrhea

No. 210268

I've fallen ill because I haven't been sleeping nor eating well and I've had a lot of stress about financial problems and other things. My mother is a bit abusive and she doesn't let me eat her food. I'm working on getting a job but it has been demanding all of my energy not to fall sick and apart, so I don't have an income yet. I've been quite depressed and living around my mother without eating enough is very difficult, so I am just feeling on my lowest energy and sick the whole time. I just can't afford to move or help myself yet. I've been spending time at random guys and my grandparents house, but the former are busy now of course and the latter are getting tired of me. How do I get my shit together. I feel so sick I can't do anything but I really have to get better. Sorry for random writing my head hurts

No. 210340

Gastrointestinal distress or emergency appointment.

No. 210458

What do you guys recommend keeping in your purse? I just bought a nice leather handbag and medium sized backpack for work and I know that will keep pads, lip balm and handcream in the bags. I going to sew a little bag to keep them all in one place.

No. 210461

I always have a travel size brush and some tooth picks

No. 210462

my friend is black pilled on being ugly and overweight and I have no idea how to help her. for a while she was working out, eating healthy and dressing better but it hasn’t been enough. she hates seeing herself in the mirror or photos and no matter what I say. i think bc she’s been bullied for being ugly so her image problems run deep. i dont want her to give up but since she knows she’s not conventionally pretty anything supportive I say sounds like a lie. or is hurtful if I tell the truth. wtf do I do for her

No. 210614

File: 1634953635259.jpeg (451.2 KB, 1683x2048, 9C117DEA-76E6-41B4-8649-8CD36D…)


No. 210615

If this is really you, you're an absolute retard for posting your face here. If this is someone else, you're still an absolute retard for vendetta posting here.

No. 210618

you're either genessesxo which makes you a dumbass or you really hate her kek

No. 210620

No. 210622

No. 210640

File: 1634977200637.jpg (23.37 KB, 564x564, 1615180380637.jpg)

I recently found out that some angry moid made a false profile with my real identity (my real name as the username, a photo of me as a child as the icon) on a furry site and followed some gross fetish work. I put in a report with the website which will hopefully ban the account (maybe not, maybe they won't consider it a problem) but it will most likely still come up under searches online. I had no idea about this but it's been there for several months (I don't google my name much).
I'm not sure if I should try to scrub this from the internet somehow or even HOW to do so if the site doesn't ban the account. I've heard of ways to contact different search engines or something but I'm not sure if it works. It also concerns me because I'm job hunting and I'm scared employers are looking me up only to find gross furry fetish art.
Does anyone know how the fuck to get rid of this off the internet? Can I possibly put in some kind of complaint with proof that I'm the real person and this was made maliciously? It doesn't contain any form of dox besides my name+face (which I really wouldn't want on a furry site anyways, I consider that an invasion of privacy). I'm still desperate to get it off the internet though because of trying to get a job. I don't know what the fuck to do

No. 210642

I assume your main concern is Google since that's the most used search engine.
>Personal information that Google will remove
>Remove “doxxing” content - content exposing contact information with an intent to harm
>Remove images of minors from Google search results

Just click on the reason you want to get the stuff removed for and it'll lead to an article with further instructions on how to do that.

If you do manage to get it deleted from that website itself but it still shows up in the google search results, there's also a link to a tool that will notify Google of the outdated content so they can update it.

No. 210643

samefag, I haven't read the articles carefully so I don't actually know if you meet the requirements for removl, but at least take a look at it.

No. 210646

Thanks anon, though surprisingly the site doesn't seem to show up in Google after tons of different frantic search inquiries on my part (I'm somewhat concerned it might somehow, but it doesn't at the moment). Google's guidelines state there has to be "proof" of malicious intent such as threats, so I don't even know that I could remove it if it were there, because who's to say someone faking my identity to attach disgusting furry fetish art to my name is truly malicious in a stranger's eyes. It's on both Bing and DuckDuckGo and I can't even find a removal request for DuckDuckGo and can't find one for malicious stuff on Bing, just outdated. I'm praying that potential employers just won't bother using Bing or DuckDuckGo but I just want the whole thing gone. I'm hoping having the page banned (if the site complies) will be enough to at least get rid of the furry PORN aspect, it'll just show my username as a banned user on a furry site which is slightly less bad…

No. 210647

Maybe you can at least get the image removed from the server it's hosted on? If you can get it removed from the server, it'll no longer show up on the website. Not sure how to do that but try looking into it.

I found this contact for removal under privacy laws for DDG: removalrequest@duckduckgo.com
Have you tried that yet? I wouldn't get my hopes up but it's worth a shot..

No. 210741

I am very vulnerable and live in an abusive household. This is going to be long but I have to share everything.

Out of curiosity I downloaded a dating app recently and didn't think much of it. I met a nice guy from there and we went on a date. I've never had a boyfriend before, so I didn't know what to expect. He started touching me really quickly. He started holding my hand within the first half an hour of the date and then tried to kiss me. I said no and became really embarrassed. I apologised and explained my inexperience. I also explained how physical affection is overwhelming to me because I'm not used to it. I thought it went a bit fast and was confused, but I also doubted myself since I didn't know much about dates anyway. Maybe this was the norm. Finally, I didn't go away, because I was so happy to receive attention and affection. I've been hurting a lot. Even though I know it's a bad thing to do, I went to his house with him because I was hungry and knew there wouldn't be food for me at home. I also knew there would be anger and violence at home, so why did it even matter? Now I was at least with someone who paid attention to me. I was very happy to be taken care of. Eventually we kissed. I was very scared but I allowed it. I was scared to say no and I was happy to be pleasing him. So we went to his room and made out more. I ended up crying because everything described above. I never wanted things to go like this. I want to kiss and experience these things with someone I value, not a stranger I had met some hours ago. He comforted me and understood. I couldn't do much anyway, though. If I'd leave, I'd face a lot of turmoil at home, so I stayed over. I hugged him and made use of the situatuon. I repressed everything bad and tried to enjoy him holding me at night. I feel very terrible about the entire situation, because it actually isn't normal to be so touchy and move so fast on a first date. He is very intense too and we have been seeing each other every day since then. He lets me stay over, which I make a lot of use of to escape my household. But the problem is that I am very intense too. I am very clingy and needy, because I have very bad attachment issues. So I don't know how to respond to this. I know it is bad and a lot of it feels bad, but a lot of it also really helps. Sometimes I notice really strongly how my inner child is dominating. Overall, to me, it is clear from my behaviour that I have very family problems which lead me to behave like a clingy and scared child. I feel so happy holding his hand and being taken to the grocery store and getting to choose dinner, and I feel so happy sitting on his lap and asking him to bounce me up and down, and I feel so comforted telling him about my passions and not being ignored, and I feel so at ease working on papers with him sitting next to and encouraging me. But these are very obviously needs I have of my parents being fulfilled. On one occasion after I made him orgasm, this hit me the hardest. I'm well aware that this is how my psychology works for now, but especially in that moment it just depressed me. I did all of those sexual things for him, because I just wanted to hear him say I did well. I just wanted approval. I just want to be loved. I just want my parents to love me. I just want to be safe. I just want to be enough. I'm a little girl in a young adult body and I'm ashamed, and frustrated. I feel suck and horrible to be struggling so much. I cried again, of course. I said that maybe it would be best for us to not see each other again, since I don't think he can provide me with what I need. He said it is of course my choice, but that he wants to make things work and that he really likes me. All of this happened over the span of a week, by the way. I explained to him how I just want someone to hold me and pat my head and tell me I did well, especially in such a moment. He did these things immediately after and he did show a lot of effort and interest, also over the following days, and it hasn't ceased. This also made me like him more, of course. He cares, he is invested, he is available. He takes care of me. But I worry this still is wrong and dangerous. I just struggle to tell because my mind is clouded and I also long for someone who lets me be clingy to them. I just don't know what to do or think of this situation. I am already in therapy and have asked for more treatment since I hate living like this. I'm awaiting a response. I am interacting with men despite my vulnerability because I feel miserable at home and I can't afford to leave yet. I just cannot, and I am a legal adult now, and nothing my Parent does is severe enough to warrant social services to become involved.

No. 210742

By the way, I am quite positive it isn't love bombing and can explain why if needed. But for the rest, I still want to understand better and figure out what to do. I'm too scared to say no or break up or let go. It seems like the answer is right in front of me. I'm just scared. I don't want to stop sleeping over and cuddling, but I also do. I can't see it like a normal, healthy relationship if it keeps going this way, but I don't know how else to see it. I want what we're doing, because I want the attention and affection and love, but I don't, because it goes very fast and a lot of my boundaries were crossed and it makes me uncomfortable and suspicious, but I do still want this because I want the love, but I don't, but I do. Does this make any sense? I should just bite the bullet and lose some of the comfort if it means I can be more comfortable and find someone who respects me enough to court me, but maybe there is hope? And I don't want to lose the easy access to these nice warm safe things… But isn't that also what I'm afraid of that he is doing? I am critical of him seeing me as someone who is easy access. But I am easy access… I'm writing all of this so you can follow along with my thinking process, because I feel very alone in this.

No. 210746

what the fuck Im so sorry to hear that! what >>210642 said but also I really hope it works out for you and you get a great job nonnie.
Furries are a disease, a plague on the world. All they do is fuck animals and each other to death with STDS (thank GOD). My BFF was harrassed by furries online for months four years ago just because she went off on a furry throwing soiled diapers EVERYWHERE so anyway I feel you nonnie

No. 210751

Anon, first I want to say I relate a lot to you. I have and had attachment issues and even did some of the things you did with random strangers because I wanted affection and love. I lived in an abusive home too and was in a similar situation.

>He started holding my hand within the first half an hour of the date and then tried to kiss me. I said no and became really embarrassed.

None of this is normal, this whole situation is not normal or healthy. That guy trying to kiss you and holding your hand on the first date wasn't normal, he was testing his boundaries to see what he could do. Normal first dates are you getting to know someone to see if you'd be compatible with each other, or if you even like each other. Unless you're just looking for a fuckbuddy to use, you don't do all that with someone within a week of knowing them.
>I want to kiss and experience these things with someone I value, not a stranger I had met some hours ago. He comforted me and understood.
Ok, if he understood then why would he then go on to make out with you? If he respected you enough to take heed of what you said, he wouldn't go on to push anything sexual on you. But it's already very clear what his true motivations are.
>But the problem is that I am very intense too. I am very clingy and needy, because I have very bad attachment issues. So I don't know how to respond to this.
A good way to respond to this is by ending the relationship all together, or at the very least putting some distance between you two. By continuing to see him, you're just encouraging all your bad habits and allowing yourself to get hurt. If you want to try to have a healthy relationship, set boundaries for yourself.
>I explained to him how I just want someone to hold me and pat my head and tell me I did well, especially in such a moment. He did these things immediately after and he did show a lot of effort and interest, also over the following days, and it hasn't ceased.
The true reason why he did this is to keep you attached to him, so he can keep using you for free pleasure. As soon as you expressed your desire to leave, because you deep down knew how deeply wrong this whole situation is, he turned up the affection to make you stay. I know you said it isn't love-bombing, but if he truly cared about you he would respect your decisions and leave you to make your own choices.
>He cares, he is invested, he is available.
I'm sorry, but no he is not. If he was all those things, he wouldn't continue to sexually pursue you. A man who cares about you wouldn't repeatedly take advantage of you or your vulnerability to pursue his selfish desires.

Let me ask you to do something anon: imagine your situation in your head, but instead of giving him sexual favors, imagine you're giving him money instead. He's telling you he cares about you, wants to pursue you, but he's only saying that because you're giving him free cash. Do you still think he's not taking advantage of you? I would even go as far as to say that it'd be better if you were giving him money, because your body is priceless and you're just giving it away for free. I'll stop and spell it out clearly instead: he is taking advantage of your vulnerability and need for affection. This isn't love, this is him taking advantage of you so you can do, from what it sounds, sexual favors for him. I know you don't like being at your parent's house, but if you value yourself you need to drop this "relationship". The reason why he said he likes you is because he found someone he can exploit freely without boundaries. It sounds like you already knew this though, but like you said, you're scared to let go of the comfort he brings you. It's okay to be scared, but this is something that will hurt you in the long run. I'm sorry anon, it sounds harsh but it's true. I just don't want you to be hurt like this, it made me sick reading what this man has done. The first step to healing is acknowledging the wrong that has been done to you, and then establishing boundaries so you won't be treated badly any more.

There are other ways you can escape your abusive home environment without resorting to doing sexual favors for sick men like this. You said you're a legal adult, I don't know your situation, but do you think you can get a job or anything? It would help you save money to eventually leave this abusive home. If you're doing schooling, maybe you could join a club or something of the sort to keep you out of the house.

No. 210752

Anon, have you looked into emergency housing? Or women's shelters? I don't know if that's a thing where you are, but if you haven't yet look into it. Getting out of your abusive household is priority 1. I have no other advice because I think a professional should handle something as severe as this.

No. 210906

File: 1635179273861.jpg (101.3 KB, 839x1200, EXcutVVXYAIt8CG.jpg)

How do I become more independent and depend less on other people emotionally? And maybe become less emotional overall?

I noticed most of my relationships tend to follow a similar pattern where, as time passes, I start feeling increasingly helpless and I start dumping my emotional problems on others and not think about whether it's their responsibility to solve them or not. The problem is, I always realize I'm doing this thing again after I have done it, not during (or before)

No. 210939

I wish I could save you instead.

No. 210972


>become less emotional overall?

I've come to learn that there's no use fighting emotions. You cant force an unfeeling person to suddenly care about people. Likewise you cant force less emotion upon yourself when they spring forward uncontrollably.

Consider emotionality a part of your personality, but not who you are. Emotions are something that happen to you, not the definition of you. If you want to make less of a burden on people, just try to process it first yourself before talking about it. For example: you're stressed and angry… Consider it as stress and anger happening to you and try to take a deep breath and really thing about the source of these feelings. Then when you talk to someone about it, come to them with a path to a solution already in mind, so that they see that you're holding yourself up and don't expect them to do all the work. So next time something's pissing you off, it'll go something like "I've been feeling upset because of ____, and I really don't wanna feel this way and am trying to do something about it. I think talking things through with you helps a lot." This alone makes people want to support you more, when there's no hopelessness and complete dependency to your handling of problems.

No. 210991

I got into an accident a week ago that could very well have been deadly, or a least have crippled me: I could have lost an ear, an eye or both, fingers, toes, or could have gotten my neck slashed or literally any other body part, I could have had my skull cracked open. But instead I got unbelievably lucky and got away with only 50 stitches or so on fatty parts, not even a muscle or tendons were touched even though the cuts are really deep.
Since then I can't stop dwelling on it, I know I'm safe now but it was such incredible luck, I feel so thankful but I don't know what or who to thanks (apart from the people who were so quick to react and help me). I've never been religious or even spiritual, I'm not even superstitious, but I since the accident I have this feeling I can't shake that I owe something really big, and I have no idea how to repay it. I feel so insignificant, the whole thing is beyond me, I feel permanently on edge. What can I do?

No. 210995

It's just an idea, maybe it's silly, but considering you're not religious or spiritual, maybe you can "repay" by doing good deeds? Like volunteering somewhere. It'll be like passing on the good that has happened to you onto others.

No. 211008

Anon I'm so happy you made it out okay. That is very incredibly lucky and I could see why you might be feeling these things. Maybe read about different religions and try exploring a little bit. But like the other anon said, trying to "give back" or share the goodness you received would be a cool idea too. Something religious and somewhat related to your experience that comes to mind is that, in Christianity, the apostle John was boiled in oil by Roman persecutors and survived. He was then exiled to the island of Patmos and that is where he wrote the Book of Revelation (Revelation 1:9). So maybe like how it was God's will for John to live, it was also His will that you would live too.

No. 211019

I like the "pay it forward" idea, op should consider it!

No. 211381

File: 1635502487525.jpg (9.6 KB, 598x175, FB_IMG_1629719013462.jpg)

I desperately need to cut off a toxic group of friends. some of the group are fine as individuals, but their problem is they're gossipy and spineless when the bully ringleader is psychologically torturing people. I went through a really rough period in my life a few years ago where I was doing a lot of drugs, sleeping around, drinking to blackout, and was raped by an acquaintance, and he still likes to bring it up in really subtle ways to make me feel like shit, and makes jokes about my having been raped. I shouldn't have to put up with that, but I'm scared that if I cut them off obviously and antagonistically that he will tell everyone a lot of my deepest secrets (which he has found out from the other people in the group). I don't want to risk my boyfriend finding out about a lot of uncomfortable slutty stuff from my past, but I can't keep making myself miserable by hanging around with these people. how do I sever myself from them safely?

No. 211384

Oof that’s a toughie anon, sorry you have to deal with this. In what circumstances are you interacting with these people? Are you studying/working together? If so try getting friendly with other members of your staff/cohort, maybe joint a club or sports team so that when you get some distance between yourself and these people, you’ll have other social groups to fall back on. If you hang out through other circumstances, just ease yourself out of the friend group or at the very least bail on plans that the ringleaders going to be at. I honestly wouldn’t bother with any of them at this point. Even the ones you were honest and vulnerable with aren’t worth the trouble, seeing as they’re the ones who spilled your secrets to this guy.

Now in terms of your boyfriend, it sucks but if you are worried about this guy spilling your details to him, I say tell him first. If you’re serious about you and your bf and having a future together it’s probably a conversation you’re going to have eventually. If he accepts your past that’s great, if he doesn’t then you don’t have to spend any more time worrying about how he’s going to react and the secrets hanging over your head. All the best.

No. 211396

File: 1635518425624.jpg (33.4 KB, 510x680, Tumblr_l_1568641992663376.jpg)

How do you deal with someone being constantly negative?

I have to live with my mother and can't move out due to high rent prices and because I lost my job a month ago. No matter what I do or don't I get shit from her and everything is always my fault even if I'm not at home. We almost don't communicate because she doesn't care about anything I have to say, only her own topics. It always been like thins but at least I had my father to talk to and kind of protected me from her. Now he's gone and I'm constantly targeted.

I'm always on edge because I never know what little thing will set her off. I dread any day that she's at home because I don't know what to do with myself or ehere to go so I don't trigger another tongue lashing.

The last two years have been shit in every way possible - lost my dad, uncle, best friend, fucked up my knee, lost my job, didn't get into the course I applied for and my mental health is far from stellar. Thought I'd get another piercing to distract and cheer myself up but now I can only think about how much shit I'll get from her if I do it. Or if I do/get anything that I like and she doesn't. I don't have the mental strength to do this anymore

No. 211401

File: 1635524721338.jpg (30.47 KB, 513x612, istockphoto-1208392037-612x612…)

In HS my mom would get really wigged out about my exams & especially the AP tests and just could not stop herself from "checking in" five times a day and asking why I wasn't studying right that very second when I was trying to relax and de-stress myself.

I basically just started "going for a walk" whenever she started up like that because I couldn't handle her stressing me out about stuff that I was already stressed about. I would just stand up & out the door like "I'm going to CVS bye".

As a technique it works well because it reminds them that you don't HAVE to sit there while they talk. You are an adult who is allowed to do whatever. It's kind of like a reverse time-out: it's saying "If I can't deal with you, I'm going to remove myself for both our sakes." Just leave for like an hour or so, come back with nothing but a bottle of water or a packet of dried fruit (something mild & uncriticizable), or if there's no stores you can walk to, just collect some flowers & rocks or w/e. This is important to show that you aren't trying to "punish" them, you're just trying to stay sane for yourself and live your life.

They may go tf off when you come back, but you can just go right out again. When you walk out the door, and they're left alone in a silent house, they can't help but feel bad for driving you away. Unless they're a full on narc but in that case it's hopeless anyway and you just have to get out.

No. 211411

Thank you anon! I usually go to my room but going for a walk might be better for my mental health and also leave a stronger impact

No. 211414

this is maybe not the best thread for my question but my bestie's birthday is coming up and i have no idea what to get her. what are some nice cozy gifts i can get her? she doesn't really have any specific interests that i can think of aside from reading, she's pretty normie. i'm willing to spend 100+ dollars

No. 211415

Blanket, custom made bookmark, mug? Stuff like that?

No. 211419

File: 1635536331771.jpg (112.35 KB, 794x596, il_794xN.1990521837_3fdi.jpg)

How about a custom handmade plaid from Etsy in her favourite/interior colours and maybe her name? I think that's super cozy during fall/winter on the couch with a good book.

No. 211420

File: 1635536354662.jpg (101.04 KB, 794x529, il_794xN.2498802433_3krn.jpg)

No. 211421

i love that idea, thank you nona

No. 211427

Nonas, I need your advice/thoughts.

The cliché reddit reply to what I’m going to describe would be "get new friends". I’m in my late 20s, I work a 60 hour week and I have a hard time connecting with people, so that’s not really an option which is why I think you guys will understand me better.

All my attempted acts of kindness, favors and communal contributions seem to either get overlooked or taken for granted – not by toxic friends who never have a good thing to say about anyone, but by friends who actually always tell each over how much they appreciate them and their contributions to the friend group. Just not me.

This has been happening for years now. At first, I thought it’s because I’m not being grateful enough myself, so I’ve been making a conscious effort to express my (honest) positive feelings towards others for almost 5 years now. I’m glad I did it, because it’s a positive change, but it didn’t improve my situation at all.

I don’t want to be that person who passive-aggressively goes on and on about the things they did nobody ever asked them to do expecting praise – everyone else in my friend group gets the appreciation unprompted. Of course I don’t do nice things to get a pat on the back. But it does sting when you watch someone get showered in appreciation for the same thing you did two weeks ago without anyone noticing.

If there wasn’t such a culture of borderline excessive appreciation in my friend group, I honestly wouldn’t mind. I’d simply do the things I do not expecting anything in return. It’s the fact that I’m being treated differently, not the lack of appreciation itself, that bothers me.

So far, I came up with four possible explanations for why this is happening:

1. It’s all in my head, my perception is skewed and I instantly forget when somebody is appreciative of something I did. I really tried to pay attention to that throughout the past months. It might not be as extreme as I think, but I don't think I'm completely making it up – though I can’t say for sure.
2. I don’t do nearly as much as I think I do / everyone else does far more and I’m too self-centered to notice
3. For some reason, people don’t notice the things I do / I’m „invisible“
And 4. – the worst option – they do see what I do and they are low-key annoyed by it, think I’m a pushover or simply don’t like me. I’ve been bullied in the past and I tend to be the "nobody’s best friend"-friend in every social setting, so I guess that’s a very real possibility. I just don’t know what to do if that’s the case.

No. 211429

I think you're overthinking this. You're being treated differently, maybe it's because you're different. You said your friends are excessively appreciative, but are you? You said you've been trying to show your appreciation, but do you express that in a way that they understand? Do you outwardly express joy for the times they have praised you and included you, or do you tend to shy away from being the center of attention? Are the things you're doing for their attention really that noteworthy? Do you bring the favors you're doing to their attention and letting them know you're going out of your way for them, or do you just hope that they'll notice you? And have you considered that people aren't machines who spit out the same reaction to the same things over and over?

No. 211436

Well, anon, I'm going to say that it's not just in your head, at all. I'm going to take your word that you show your gratitude when needed, and that you are overlooked in the group. There's a reason you feel that way! The best way to find out, imo, is to talk to them. If they are being evasive, try to make you feel that it's all in your head (again, this), or attempt to make you think you're somehow not doing it right, kinda like the poster above, well… I'll be blunt with you: they may be treating you differently on purpose, so that you notice, get the hint and stop bothering them. I know it sucks, and it may not be your fault at all - you simply don't belong in that group, and vice versa, that group is not for you! I know you are concerned about being friendless, but is the current state really the way to go?
Focus on yourself. It will be hard at first, but use your free time, as little as it is, to pick up a hobby. You will meet people, eventually. But you have some growing up to do, so focus on yourself first. It's not that bad being alone. Being alone is not the same as being lonely; I would feel more lonely being surrounded by people who make me feel less worthy than what I know I am …

No. 211437

Hi, I have a question.

How would you deal with people who put down others in a subtle way to feel better about their lack of productivity, are irresponsible messes and lack maturity?
I have met some people like this (3 people or so) and, logically, I don't get close to them on my own. But sometimes they are part of a much larger group of acquaintances or friends, so I have to interact with them.
I have always thought I could handle them, but I usually get played by them and, honestly, it's impossible to deal with these types. You may think they are stupid and you can control them, but they are very clever and have ways to mess with you and manage to paint themselves as victims at the end of it all. They have been irresponsible inmature people for a long time, so they know what they're doing!
The worst part is that you can't really talk to the rest of the group about it, because that person is friends with everyone (even if they are not well-liked or popular) and usually people don't like it when you talk badly about people in their group.

I guess the way to deal with those situations would be:
1. avoid underestimating them, even if they act like three year old toddlers.
2. ignoring them completely and refusing to help them/hang out with them (by making excuses) even if it's just something small.

Any other tips, anons? Wanna share your experiences and how you dealt with them?

No. 211439

Samefag, but when I say "control", I mean handle them so they don't bother you that much and they don't get you involved in their messes, while at the same time interacting and working with them. It doesn't work at all, because they are usually very unpredictable and inmature, so you can't really work with them.

No. 211440

Can anyone recommend an epilator or tell me more about them? I've never used one before and want to get one that's not a flimsy POS and obviously gets the job done right.

No. 211442

It's a while since I've used one but I do remember that Braun is a good brand for them. If you've only ever shaved before then you might find the first few goes quite hard but you get better at tolerating the sting of it. You have to allow a small amount of growth between sessions. You move it in circular motions iirc and sometimes it takes a few passes over to get every hair.

No. 211444

I don't understand what you're describing honestly. Give a concrete example of their behavior.

No. 211447

I don't know if I should seek an autism diagnosis. I've been very socially awkward my whole life and have had mental health issues (cutting, starving) luckily things have improved for me but I still struggle to act/feel normal. Some of my behaviours are associated with autism, I tend to obsess over my interests and talk about them constantly. I talk less now though because I was told that I was annoying and became more self aware. I also have a lot of routines I like to do in a specific way, although I did try to stop doing this as much because it caused me a lot of stress when things didn't happen the way I wanted. I never used to look people in the eye but I started to try to do it to appear more normal. There's a few other things but I don't want to make this too long. I'm questioning if I should seek an autism diagnosis because I'm not sure if these are signs I'm autistic or I was just socialised really badly. My sister is also socially awkward and struggles to make friends so I don't know if its just how we were raised. I want to resolve this because I'm afraid that I might lose opportunities or suffer in the future because of my behaviours, and my mental health isn't great currently.

No. 211449


Examples of their behaviour would be:
>showing them your work (for example, a video or drawing you made) and them saying: "oh, that's nothing".
>telling them nicely you wrote some fanfiction not long ago and them asking if it was a "fanfic or a badfic".
>asking for something, and the moment you don't give it to them, they throw a tantrum and get pissed off.
>taking advantage of others' help.
>cancel a meeting last minute when you already got to the meeting place.
>not being responsible for their mistakes and making up half-assed excuses.
>thinking the world revolves around them.
>trying to gaslight you or your group of friends into thinking they are the victims and you are the one at fault whenever you fight with them.

Last example is the one that worries me the most, because I always end up getting pissed off at these types of people, so I call them out for it. Then, they try to gaslight our common friends into thinking they are innocent and I'm the bad guy. It's awful. I just want to know how to handle these people, because even tho they usually act stupid and are very inmmature, they know how to mess with you. I guess ignoring them it's the way, no matter what, even if you pity them or whatever, just don't pay attention to them at all.
Fuck I just remembered today I dreamed everyone hated me and today was also the day I confronted the moid that behaves just like this. Maybe it's a premonition. oh god, why.

No. 211452

these are all textbook symptoms of autism and masking (especially common in women). I can't diagnose you and idk if a diagnosis would help (since there are no meds for autism), but cognitive therapy might help you with the things you already started working on on your own.

No. 211486

>tell me more about them
They hurt like shit. Imagine waxing but 50x worse, with occasional bleeding afterwards (or maybe my skin is just sensitive, idk)

No. 211487

I don't think it's all in your head, although your perception is probably a bit skewed. Within a lot of friend groups, there's always a person who is treated differently than others. I've been that person before and the only way I can begin to explain it is that you don't 'fit in' with them, so they don't treat you like the others when you do something nice. I don't know if that's the case but I know people can be like that. They're in the wrong for treating you differently for no reason, and if you can, it would be good for you to find friends that appreciate you. If you can't though, this might sound really bitchy but maybe you shouldn't do as much for them if they don't even appreciate it. Im not saying you should stop being nice but don't go to so much effort for them if they don't show you the same kindness.

No. 211492

They're really LOUD, like if you have roommates, you won't be able to use it discreetly while others are at home. I didn't realize that when I first bought mine. Also get one that's wireless and can be used in the shower, it's less painful when your skin is warmed up by the hot water. Also keep in mind that not all models are ideal for body AND bikiniline/face (although some come with a second smaller epilator especially for those sensitive areas).

No. 211520

Sisters, please don't judge. Is it weird to cuddle with your brother? I'm 21, my brother is 24. I don't see anything wrong with it but I wouldn't tell about it to anyone IRL for some reason.

No. 211522

Family dynamics and social norms vary so much that it's hard to just outright judge, what country are you in?

I haven't cuddled my brother since before either of us entered puberty I think.

No. 211525

Cuddling like putting your arm around him on the couch or cuddling like spooning in bed?

No. 211529

That's weird. Would never do that with mine.

No. 211548

Like other anons said, it depends where you're from. I cuddle with my brothers too.

No. 211552

A tip if you end up buying one: after using it (only on the lower half of my legs, it's what I can tolerate), I like to put some rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad, you know the round, flat ones, and press it gently over the traumatized area, all over. I find this helps with the stinging, and it makes sense to do it since the pores are open from the hairs being plucked. Oh, and I only ever use it after a shower, I find that to be the most effective. Also second the fact that Braun is a good brand, I have had mine for some time and it works well.

No. 211556

I don't wear make up and I don't know shit about it, I'm not even sure what a foundation is supposed to do. I wore make up like four times in my entire life and it was always made by someone else, and I always had allergic reactions afterwards, like red rash under my eyes and on my cheeks. Besides, my face is neotenous and kinda androgynous, and I thought that I looked like a young boy trying to look like a female kek. I literally felt that I looked like a tranny. I looked more femininine without all that stuff on my face. Maybe the people who made my make up werent't skilled enough to know what fits my features, idk. I don't plan on learning how to do make up myself, but if I ever wanted to wear it for some special ocassion, should I just go to a professional make up artist? If they use hypoallergenic producs on me, is there still a risk of getting an allergic reaction? I don't like the idea of testing shit on my face, but at the same time I want to know what I look like with professional make up that's appropiate for my features,

No. 211558

Some siblings are super close. It's rare imo but if it feels normal between you two then I think it's okay.

However, I've read a shit-ton of moids posting about how they're close with their sister(s) and even 'minor' things like cuddling (like just chilling on the couch) turns them on. Or they'll stare through shirts with no bras under. When they playfight, how they look post-shower in a towel, etc. They turn everything sexual. Unless you're 1000% sure your brother is not like this, be careful.

No. 211647

File: 1635678744849.png (943.22 KB, 960x928, cat.png)

can you get over being emotionally unavailable without therapy? like are there any books or exercises or whatever you could read/do to get over it? i'm thinking that maybe this is my issue and the reason why i can't form any meaningful relationships. i'm almost 30, never been in a relationship, nothing sexual at all ever. my father left the family when i was like 9 or 10 and he completely rejected me in favor of his 'freedom' after breaking up with my mom. eventually he ghosted me completely, didn't hear from him for years. i only develop silly impossible crushes (fictional characters, actors/actresses, unattainable people like mentors or much older people), when someone shows interest in me i immediately get turned off - especially when it comes to men because being with a man would involve sex and sex could lead to pregnancy and no. i'd rather be with a woman but i can't even get that to happen, the idea of opening up to someone just absolutely kills me. i can barely form any friendships past 'we have fun hanging out'. i never cried in someone else's arms or anything, it just feels like too much. i can barely get the words out when i open up to my mother (which never happens these days). when people text me if i'm available i only reply like hours later because they never specify what they wanna do and when and it makes me feel like i have no control over the situation. extra cringe: i was in an internet relationship with a woman like ten years ago but she was super toxic and manipulative and it fucked me up like crazy. after we broke up, i dated another girl over the internet but i just couldn't really 'love' her, i just knew that she liked me and i wanted to 'have' her because who else would want me? so eventually i broke up with her as well because the thought of saying 'i love you' to her made me feel sick. i generally form better relationships with online friends and i don't mind them translating to irl (i happened to move to the same city as an online friend i made 10 years ago and we hang out regularly irl) but when i meet people irl and get along with them, it always stays superficial and 'professional'. very often i lose touch with friends i hung out with a lot and it doesn't even bother me or i don't even notice until months later.

i just feel like i'm absolutely fucked in the relationship department. what do?

No. 211667

How do I stop stress-eating? What are better ways to manage stress? I really need to get a handle on this before I gain undesireable amounts of weight.

No. 211696

File: 1635720854167.jpeg (31.86 KB, 200x200, 4975FCCF-E689-40E3-8A58-E2F9E9…)

This might kind of dumb, but i wanna see what some nonnas think. I have this old harajuku lovers bag, back from when i was really young. I have a lot of problems with harajuku lovers, but i still do like the bag because its simple and spacious. Should i use it? Honestly, i am worried what others would think too.

The bag looks like this but its all grey, and the girls are just outlines in yellow and pink.

No. 211701

If you like it, use it. You already bought the bag anyway. If someone IRL complains, they're the ones with the problem if they care that much to bring it up. Life is too short to worry about it nona.

No. 211775

Thanks for the responses everyone, they were really helpful and I have a better idea of what I want to buy. It's so overwhelming to browse through even just a dozen options when those all have a handful of fancy functions each.
Oof. I've never waxed but I used to painstakingly pluck, now I'm not sure if getting all of it out with an epilator at once would hurt less or more.

No. 211776

Wait, rubbing alcohol? Wouldn't that sting even worse?

No. 211783

I’m freaking out and need advice about how to stop feeling like this. My birthday is coming up this month and I’m terrified of getting older. Not because of “the wall” or any stupid, superficial shit like that, I just don’t want to die. I can be the luckiest person in the world with my health and it won’t matter in the end. I’m going to die regardless of any other factors. I have severe death anxiety, if that weren’t obvious. Like, I can’t breathe when my mind goes there. It gives me panic attacks and insomnia. Is there any way to reconcile this shit?

No. 211788

I guess a good place to start would be to ask yourself why you're so acraid of it?

No. 211791

File: 1635787147914.png (72.84 KB, 348x382, skrrr.png)

I don't know how to deal with these emotions about my mother. I have no one to talk to about this except here. How do you even tell anyone you and your mother have a weird relationship? Yesterday, we had a family gathering so I had to be there too, I was sitting with my mom, I missed her. But she kept trying to kiss me, like, kiss my neck in front of everyone. I felt so embarrassed and her hand was so close to my crotch. I felt like I was being groped the whole time. I told her to cut it off multiple times till I made up a reason to get up. I felt icked. This is obviously not the first and last time she's done similar things. Now that I've been away, I don't know to to think about it. I don't know how to think about her touches and kisses sometimes, sometimes they even make me cry because I feel so bad. I think she can't let me be an adult, she said so herself she still thinks of me as a little kid. And it's not like I don't reciprocate because our relationship was or has been very touchy. I would still straddle her when I was a teen and we would cuddle all the time, hands all over, I'd stuff my face in her bust. And it's not like I hated it, I didn't. I don't know what to feel about it now. No one else I know was like that with their mom till their late teens like I was. But, maybe it could be I'm growing up so I feel a little awkward about it how young adults do and it's normal? I don't have a father who I could really compare my relationship to and I can't really ask anyone. I just need some advice on how to process these feelings, or how to even think about it. Am I overreacting? If so, some advice on how to stop overthinking about this?

No. 211800

This sort of behavior is not normal from parents towards their kids as adults nor when they are young. There's a difference between basic cuddling and excessive kissing/groping. Your mother is not right in the head and this is a form of sexual abuse. Do not spend anymore time with her since she clearly cannot and will not respect your boundaries. How to process? Therapy. Seriously, this is not a normal relationship and you deserve support working through any conflicting emotions you may have.

No. 211814

I recently took a fertility hormone test to reassure myself. I didn't even tell my husband, because I know he doesn't condone anticipatory worrying. I figured I could take it and forget it, but my results are very abnormal. I'm retaking it next month, since the company will retest results so far out of the norm for free. If the rest isn't normal I have to see a doctor, though, since that would indicate a noncancerous tumor. I'm wishing I had never learned this because I don't want my husband to think I'm being silly, or that I didn't tell him things.

No. 211829

Idk if nona's mom sounds sexual toward her per se. My mom has said that when you have a baby, you kind of treat them as an extension of ypur body, and there really aren't any boundaries because you have to clean & check up on every part of them. So it seems more like nona's mom is just attached to that kind of relationship and can't let go of that really close parental instinct, especially as a single mom.

No. 211831

> I don't know how to think about her touches and kisses sometimes, sometimes they even make me cry because I feel so bad.
Have some self respect anon, stand up for yourself. You're allowed to be angry that she doesn't listen when you say no, when you're uncomfortable. Why are you sacrificing your own peace of mind so she doesn't feel bad? She clearly doesn't care about making you feel bad.
Just because you "reciprocated" in the past - because you're obviously her child who enjoys touch and intimacy - DOESN'T mean you're not allowed to say no!
You highkey sound like you're being molested and think it's normal because she's doing it in plain sight of others. And I'm not one of those "every hug longer than 2 seconds is child abuse" people at all, but the guilt and shame you're describing is more than just growing pains awkwardness.

No. 211834

Why would you kiss your daughter on the neck of all places though and repeatedly put your hand near her crotch? This isn't just pulling someone into a normal hug. Maybe the hand positioning was unfortunate in this instance but either way it's totally unacceptable for her mom to be all over her like this, especially when she's explicitly told her to stop.

No. 211857

I really don't want to believe she's consciously doing it to make me feel bad. Despite sometimes getting uncomfortable when she touches me too much, rubbing my thighs and stomach too the point I would intentionally sit as far away from her as I could. She even implies sometimes I actually come to her to get kissed and stuff and it makes me second guess my feelings even more. And her constantly calling us a couple and how romantic we are. I don't know what she thinks at all.
I believe this too. She says stuff like this sometimes. I'd ask her to stop touching my ass and she would get offended and say my butt is her butt or something like that and that she as a mother, is allowed to touch me. It makes me think she can't let go of kid-me. Though she isn't like this with my sister at all. It's not like she's actively evil. And I really love her a lot. I feel like I'm overblowing just one singular aspect of our relationship.

No. 211890

Get away from her, this isn't normal AT ALL. Unfortunately common with narc moms.

No. 211931

File: 1635873485777.jpeg (40.21 KB, 490x555, 1626020170955.jpeg)

>And her constantly calling us a couple and how romantic we are
Oh God. Honestly I wish I could agree with other anon and say she's just seeing you as a little kid but no. Nope nope nope. It's not normal to say you're dating your kid, at any age.
Is she gay/bi anon? You mention you don't have a father so assuming she's single? It sounds like she's using you as a surrogate girlfriend she can get her intimacy fix from, and doesn't care how it affects you.
This is narcissist behaviour. Do you often find her telling you your feelings/instincts are wrong and to listen to her instead? Does picrel sound familiar? If so you need plenty of distance to think things through.
I'm not saying she's a serial killer, but listen to your gut anon. You know she's hurting you by crossing your boundaries. This whole "maybe I'm over exaggerating idk" when describing these twisted things she's doing… I feel so bad for you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.

No. 211934

Samefag to add, this isn't a normal dynamic because in a healthy family, when a kid gets to teens/twenties and starts to reject kid intimacy like hugs and constant cuddles, a healthy mom will feel a little sad internally that her kid is growing up, and then sucks it up and respects those new boundaries. Because she sees her kid as a PERSON and not just an NPC there to meet her needs and desires. The fact that your mom ignores and dismisses your boundaries, makes you feel guilty for saying no reasonably, and straight up says your body belongs to her… It's all a sign that she isn't right in the head. Look up narcissistic mothers (not on reddit, from real medical sources) it might open your eyes a lot.

No. 211941

This is too difficult for me to think about, anon. I've always known my mom has some narc tendencies, but not full blown. And it's not just me but my sister also agrees, she just never seems to think beyond what she feels and nothing is ever her fault.
>Is she gay/bi anon? You mention you don't have a father so assuming she's single?
No, she's homophobic if anything. But she has always been single after my dad and I also feel like thay plays a part because my dad left shortly before I was born. It's not like I always hate to be touched by her. I love hugging her and stuff, I just don't like when it turns too much for me. She's too possessive over my body.
I just want to say, I don't want to villanize her or anything. She's done all she could to raise me and I know she loves me a lot. And it's just hard and it makes me feel fucked when I feel uncomfortable by her because I really don't want to. I think I am going to be keeping some distance from her like I have been and try to deal with these confusing stuff. I'll take your advice anon, thank you.

No. 211954

The other anons are projecting, anon. Like the earlier reply said, your mom your mom probably sees you as an extension of her. Remember that in her mind you literally grew inside her body and came out from it. She might be too familiar with you but from your perspective it's bizarre because your memories go as far back as 5 y/o lmao so neither of you are completely at fault. Take the distance like you're planning to and if you can, tell her that she touches you too frequently. Hope you can stress less about this nonna

No. 211957

If you think anons mom kissing her neck, grabbing her butt and crotch, saying they're dating and so romantic is just normal mom stuff? You need therapy too girl

No. 211972

File: 1635886609347.gif (3.18 MB, 320x234, 1631390810360.gif)

I want my pussy eaten by my man, but my guard is so fucking up it's unbelievable. How do I lower my guard enough to let him please me sexually? How do I stop feeling like my sexual self is gross and being embarrassed by the thought of him looking at my pussy never mind tasting it? How do I gain the courage to ask if he's been thinking of doing it or if he wants to? How

No. 211982

Nonny just bring it up casually, most men nowadays are into that and don’t think twice about it

No. 211988

File: 1635894512440.jpeg (55.43 KB, 640x640, 1570244704553.jpeg)

is there a way to get over someone you're close to without cutting them out of your life? I have feelings for my friend (who is also my ex technically, but from years ago) but he just started dating someone who he seems to really like. I didn't think it would bother me so much but hearing him talk about her is painful and it's making me ruminate over ways in which I wasn't good enough as a girlfriend and kick myself for being too young and stupid when we got together to know how to maintain a relationship maturely. I don't want to be selfish and bitter but I also don't like the idea of distancing myself, but again maybe that is coming from a selfish place. help me nonnies I'm in a weird amount of pain

No. 211993

Dumb bitch don’t use an emoji

No. 212010

I don't get what you're asking. What is it that you're embarrassed about? Are you ashamed to fuck bc of trauma or…?

No. 212014

Wtf does it mean if I'm fine touching others sexually if I'm the one in control but actually having penetrative sex or being touched sexually feels like an invasion of personal space and I hate it? I wasn't assaulted sexually or anything, it just makes me feel weird and bad to be touched.

No. 212024

File: 1635912774613.png (37.5 KB, 668x472, 875903478593453.png)

Never read Dworkin eh?

No. 212025

Staying friends with exes is a bad idea, doubly so when you're still into them. He's moved on. You should too. This relationship is only going to hold you back from finding someone who actually is a good partner for you.

No. 212026

She can’t get rid of this man

No. 212036

it's fine if you're mature and keep boundaries. IMO especially if you're in a relationship, you should keep your ex at a tiny bit more distance than other friends. Context of your relationship also matters

I'm still friends with an ex I had years back who I had a healthy relationship with but we just weren't compatible. Both of us are in a relationship and don't care and don't flirt or anything and he's actually help me fix my car a few times, on the other hand there's exes I have who I couldn't possibly be friends with due to their toxicity. If you guys were together in high school then being friends would be a big no no

No. 212070

Well, I actually have read a couple of her works. I'm also bisexual, and it's the same for women as well, I still hate being touched in the exact same way. I dont know any other feminists with this problem either but tbf I don't have many friends.

No. 212071

DO you have other kind of sensatory issues as well or is it just touching during sex?

No. 212081

>If you guys were together in high school then being friends would be a big no no
Why? I never had friends in high school so I'm curious about this

No. 212086

Have you been abused? Or are you physically very sensitive? Maybe just taking it very slow with a trustworthy partner could help if you want to be able to receive.

No. 212575

What's your response when people ask you your pronouns and you don't want to play along?

No. 212584

I simply say I'm a woman. Ambiguous enough to just seem out of the loop, but not really playing along either.

No. 212711

We only have two genders in my country, but if someone asked that question to me i would answer "I'm super straight" with a disgusted and condescending look on my face and then i would back off while still watching that person in case it tries to hit me from behind, and then walk away normally once i'm in a safe distance.

No. 212713

File: 1636404234272.jpg (71.48 KB, 1300x867, 95801219-fit-young-female-athl…)

>if someone asked that question to me i would answer "I'm super straight" with a disgusted and condescending look on my face and then i would back off while still watching that person

No. 212843

I just laugh and say, "whatever, doesn't matter to me".

No. 212917

File: 1636574724871.jpg (139.99 KB, 873x831, Screenshot_3.jpg)

How can I stop being on autopilot all the time and get rid of my useless habits like watching mildly entertaining Youtube videos or scrolling social media? I want to fill my life with more meaningful habits like reading and want to start drawing again but every day after work I automatically lie down in bed and just watch stupid videos until I fall asleep and then rinse and repeat every day

No. 212918

At least you work

No. 212919

Baby steps. Start with reading or drawing or something for just 10-15 minutes a day. Chain together as many days as possible. Eventually move up to longer periods of time a day. Gradually cut down your YouTube/social media use using the same approach.

No. 212928

I've been struggling with the exact same problem. I spend literal hours on lolcow and YouTube and sometimes Instagram. I think the other anon is right about baby steps. I also think giving yourself some kind of reward for reading or drawing might work too. Like "if I read for half an hour I can have a piece of candy" or something like that.

No. 212931

I have concert tickets for next week but last time I went inside a store (yeah a fucking store, don't judge me I don't get out much) I felt super panicky because there were a ton of people. I don't know whether to go, I want to go but I'm scared I'll freak and can't get out fast. What should I do nonna's I don't know

No. 212941

Is it seated concert, or standing? if the latter, just make sure you stand in a spot that would be easy to leave if needed and dont feel guilty about leaving if the need arises

No. 212995

I'm in a similar boat. Make your bed everyday if you already don't or stay out of your bedroom so you don't go into bed, because you know in bed you cannot draw and will end up on other sites. If you like to spend time in bed because it's comfy, maybe buy some nice new pajamas or a sweater to keep you at your desk and drawing instead.

No. 213021

How could I go about developing my compassion/empathy/sympathy? I want to care about the people around me but I don't think I ever have, as fucked up as that sounds. I want to genuinely care about them and love them but my compassion and empathy feel so underdeveloped. I want to experience genuine love and care for others. How can I do this? Anyone have any meditation guides or books they can drop a link to or something? At this point I am willing to turn towards manifesting and youtube subliminals lmao I don't even care I'm desperate as fuck.

No. 213031

By experiencing things other people go through yourself. You will never ever ever learn it from a book or meditation or anything painless.

No. 213033

Listen to people and try to get into their shoes. Imagine yourself in that same situation, feeling those emotions and how would you internally feel, most likely is that you'd act like them.
There are a lot of ted talks on this, and I've found that listening to podcasts is cool too. You have to learn about people's life stories

No. 213041

Does anyone know a good way to get over the pain of when close friends, ones you really care about, ghosted you or when you "weren't enough" for them?

I lost a couple of people over the years who I mostly interacted with online because we lived a long distance away but we knew each other in person too and spent quite a bit of time together irl together. I thought we were close friends and I knew them each for a number of years. One completely disappeared, deleted all of her online accounts and changed her number, not just for me but all of our mutuals too and I have no idea why and could never get in contact no matter how I tried. One I guess I wasn't enough for friendship wise and she just deleted me off all her accounts with no explanation after almost a decade of being friends but when I discovered this I also saw she is still friends with a lot of people she told me she had problems with?

That all happened a few years ago but now it's starting to happen again with a couple of my current close friends (all in the same group) and I feel really sensitive about it because of what happened before. Same situation, we mostly interact online because we live a long distance away from each other but that never made us feel less close and we always had time for each other. But in this past year it felt like they cared about me less and less and no matter what I do, I am just forgotten unless I really try to initiate us spending time together. No matter how I try to keep our friendship going, it is clear to me it has become one sided with only me making an effort.

While I get friends moving on is a thing that happens (we are all in our late 20's/30's), it hurts a lot because I love these people dearly and feel really left behind because I care about them and love having them in my life. We didn't even have a falling out or even an argument in any of these situations so it is really hard for me to understand and process this sort of thing happening. I hate how my self worth is really affected by this happening almost as much as I hate losing them. I do have a couple close friends who being with helps and have busied myself with the recommended "find hobbies" and "plan things with other friends" but I just can't seem to get over what happened and still think of them weekly, even if I try not to. With this happening in my current close friend group, it bothers me daily despite me trying to not let it because it is clear they are becoming more distant with me.

Sorry, this was pretty long and rambly. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I just feel really lost and lonely.

No. 213042

For me, I don't really "get over" it, it just takes time to convince myself that they're no longer my friends, and it's no longer my business to care for them.

My current close friend has this bad habit of constantly checking social media of their exfriends too. I'm not sure if they ever got rid of that habit, but now they seemed to join a new online community that is really welcome of them, my friend never mentioned to me about the exfriends again.

I'm one of those type of friend that tends to ghost though.. My mental health has been jackshit ever since the beginning of the pandemic and I couldn't stop cutting myself off people one by one. I think like… sometimes you gotta accept that people are going to be self-destructive no matter how good and kind they had appealed to you. As long as you continue to open yourself up to the right person, and respect their boundaries when they need space, that will make you a good friend. Life is long and people come and leave, it fucking hurts every time, and it's also part of the journey.

No. 213061

As much people say there's no difference between online and irl friendships there is. People don't value them as much and never will.

No. 213136

My TA is very obviously flirting with me and I need to not let this situation escalate before the semester is over or else my grade in the course is dunzo. How do you keep moids at arms reach?
I swear to god he tried using that Kino escalation method on me too which if you didn't know, Kino escalation method is a manosphere PUA tactic.

No. 213226

How do I end a friendship?
I was close friends with 2 girls in college, but it feels like I grew apart from them since I found other people I am able to connect with much more and be comfortable with, and that one of their bf's does not like me and the bf is a significant part of his gf's life and they are still friends with guy friend had spanked me (like how parents spank their kids) under the guise of being a "big brother" to me in college, and one of them knows about it.
Considering all that, I just try my best avoiding them after I graduated and it was easy for me due to the physical distance as I lived a couple of hours away from them, but now they are trying to reach out to me by messaging me recently… I hate conflict and try to keep it neutral and sort of open without giving a straight answer as I prefer things to fade out. However, I want to avoid doing this for as long as possible and just end it out right. I sound like a bitch, but how can I end it in a way that is not in anyway cold (i.e. a break up text)?

No. 213256

my friend set me up with his friend, and her and I were talking a lot while we were all at a bar. She was really really into me, seemed really nervous and giggly, asked for my number etc. she said that we should hang out some time. She texted me yesterday and then stopped replying when I asked if she was doing anything tonight. Ladies help wtf

No. 213260

>guy friend had spanked me (like how parents spank their kids) under the guise of being a "big brother" to me in college
i'm sorry, what?!

No. 213270

It sounds like you have an avoidant way of dealing with things in general and that's often an issue, but in this case.. you're entitled to just blank and avoid these people and offer no explanation at all. It might be the best option.

If you were assaulted and those women couldn't even treat that with the response it warrants at the time (when it was most important)… you don't owe them your time or energy at a later date if they happen to wake up or feel bad. I'd keep ignoring. Worst case scenario is if you reply they'll still be defending shit scrotes.

No. 213276

Sounds weird, but it was something he did. I had repressed it in my head for so long until the beginning of this year when I started questioning it. I never thought I had been sexually harassed until I remember that moment in my life. I stopped talking to him entirely because of that but I am still angry since he is still friends with a lot of girls who he has done that to because I can feel I was not the only one.

I rather just be blank, already good thing I do not use social media all that much. They know because we talked about how weird it was years ago but brushed it aside since we were all friends. It hurts but I rather take out the toxins in my life since I rather not deal with any of them trying to defend either bf or piece of shit "friend" if I happen to do choose to bring it up. I feel like they are too close for them to just have me avoid them and I would instead need to put up and shut up…

No. 213279

I basically just want to know if I’m overreacting to this scenario. I’m from a very remote rural place and some years ago I started posting some nudes on 4chan because I was pathetic land lonely. It eventually transpired that one of these nudes was being shared around guys in the area. When my neighbour showed me it had been sent in his group chat. I’ll be honest I did not think much of it, i only caused that for myself at the end of the day.I moved away shortly after and never really thought about it til lately when my cousin messaged me saying a guy she was interested in getting with and has been talking to told her he had “seen your friends ass” then me finding out a chain of people who were specifically sharing it and the way it started (a lie. Someone obviously not wanting to admit to being on 4chan) now I don’t know if I am overreacting to this but it kinda just struck me that for him to mention it casually as if it was funny. That to me would be a big red flag, I would not ask my cousin to leave it at that but I would really appreciate it if she did because to me that’s what I would do in that situation. It really fucks me off at this is just normal make behaviour and it’s sickening to see the ugly fat fucker who apparently started it. Someone I have never spoke a word to in my life. I’ll be honest I’m quite emotionally fragile right now and just utterly stretched thin with various things in life so I guess I just want to know if I’m being really unfair thinking this way. I think my cousin deserves a better man than that but I’m starting to believe those are extremely scarce.

No. 213285

You aren't overreacting, I would be extremely offended if some guy I was trying to have a romantic relationship randomly brought up he saw my friend's ass. She should recognize it as a red flag herself if he's that socially inept to mention it to her, and for looking at nudes in general. Don't take it out on yourself, this guy sounds creepy. If she cares about you and frankly, herself, she will stop talking to him. You should bring up that it makes you feel uncomfortable. A good friend would understand that.

No. 213295

That's a normal reaction you have imo. Sharing nudes in between each other is already weird as fuck, but then bringing it up with someone who's close to that person? Complete disrespect

No. 213636

I live in a tiny studio apartment and have never really bothered to decorate it because it's so small + covid so nobody came over. Now some of my friends want to come by and visit and I'm embarrassed to have them over because I barely have anything. I just have my bed, desk, chair, and a bookshelf so there's nowhere they could sit to hang out. I've never really been that into decorating and stuff, but I want to do at least a little bit so my place isn't so unwelcoming. For nonas who are more skilled at making places cozy- how do you get an idea of how to decorate? I've tried Pinterest and tumblr, but most of the images are of places that are much larger than mine so it's not very realistic. I've always been a minimalist and I like not having many possessions, but knowing that my friends wouldn't have anywhere to sit if they came over is making me realize that maybe I could be doing a little more.

No. 213645

Do you really want them over or did they suggest it and now you feel rude if you don't make it happen? If you make a pros and cons list is it worth the hassle?

My first place was a studio and I think the only people I had over were people I was sleeping with.. because sitting on my bed or getting into my bed were about all you could do there anyway lol

I think if someone lives in a cramped space then friend groups should stick to hanging out in the better suited homes (and you can bring along something for them to say thanks for hosting) or you meet somewhere public if covid allows. I just think it's awkward when you're happily living in your space and then you're suddenly hit with this pressure to get it up to scratch to entertain people. It's a studio, I'd argue that it's just not meant for that
> there's nowhere they could sit
Anything you buy to fix this issue will become clutter you have to live with afterwards. You say you're minimilistic at the moment, that's ideal in a studio.

No. 213870

Do any anons have advice for quitting weed?

I am a multiple times a day smoker for many years and my boyfriend wants me to stop but I think I’m at the point where I have physical withdrawals when I try and stop. I quit for a month a while back and got so depressed i became suicidal. I plan to get into counseling when it’s eventually covered by my insurance but until then any anons have tips to reduce these symptoms??

No. 213874

File: 1637302646604.jpg (66.72 KB, 620x413, Conversation-pit-22104.jpg)

First off, fuck Pinterest and tumblr. They don't reflect you, they influence you. And in the shittiest, most bland ways possible. Don't ever look at those sites for inspiration, it's millennials and drunk moms who think the world didn't exist until 15 years ago.
Find something that interests you, anon. For instance, I like astronomy and space, so I've got two prints hanging on my wall: one's a poster of an observatory, the other is a photograph of a moonrise.
If you wanna be frugal but adorable, find a glass jar of something in your fridge. Whatever's in it can be transferred into tupperware, hopefully. Clean the jar, and throw your pencils and pens in it and set it on your desk. Bookshelves I prefer to keep free of shit because it gets in the way of the books. If it's short enough that you can put something on the top, go check out thrift stores for something decorative that interests you. Shopgoodwill has pretty cool shit (I've been looking for jewelry boxes on there).

No. 213877

you hate in Pinterest and tumblr inspo (fair) then go on to name the most basic (prints), shittiest (glass jar) home deco and thrifting which is very Pinterest and tumblr

No. 213878

If anon's living in a studio apartment I doubt they want to pay a shit ton for decorations. And what's wrong with reusing glass jars? And prints… man, don't get me started with how fucking stupid you sound for calling prints "very Pinterest and tumblr". Like fuck off, seriously. I'm an artist, I like collecting prints, especially older ones from illustrators that I like. But yeah, good job anon, you've blown my cover, I actually work for Pinterest.

No. 213879

holy shit calm down lmao

No. 213880

Hi anon - weedchan here. Taking my 4th attempt to quit since Oct and I'm on day 3. I'm an ADHD brain with trauma and asthma… Since going into isolation, I just can't stop. Regardless of the fact I'm now expelling more and more brown speckled phlegm, I keep failing and smoking because I'm uber dependant, and my man (chron) has it in the house. I don't wanna stop his access because it keeps him regulated and chill… Not ideal but we make due.
It's hard to go 7 days in an environment that smokes or has legal access. 3 days ago I downloaded an app called sobertime because I was needing something constant. Something attached to my phone/dopemine addiction. It has a community board where no addiction is too small (an issue when people don't think weed addiction is a real thing) and it's really supportive and chill. No politics, you can see how others are doing it. I'm noticing that recovery and Jesus are a tight combo but it's not too dominant.

I feel this has given me the most faith and strength that I can stop - even though my life is literally falling around me.

Good luck anon!! You can do it - you will feel the power in your moves once you give yourself the chance.

No. 213881

Sorry I forgot the question though! For Symptoms, reduce with healthy new habits, great food and nutrients, healthy rewards, endorphins, dopemine, dedicated self care, support groups, celebrate small milestones in a fun bonding way, CBD, exercise, remembering why you're quitting, thinking of what you will gain by quitting …

I'm still learning but those seem to have helped me in the past.

No. 213887

File: 1637308677256.jpg (143.82 KB, 1280x959, studio-apartment-design-nordro…)

Honestly you shouldn't need to do too much. If you are on a budget, definitely check out goodwill or other available thrift stores near you. FB marketplace and other local sale communities might be helpful too if you live in a decent sized city. If you'd rather spend the cash and have it delivered though, amazon and ikea is fine too.

Tbh, all you'd really need is a decent small table, a couple chairs (ones that can slide under the table or stack/fold are ideal), maybe a rug, a throw, some pillows and a few art pieces or something to hang on the wall? Just some stuff to create some visual interest and offer seating and soft/comforting textures. If you have a decent window, you can grab a few succulents for very cheap at most grocery stores even. Very easy to care for and are cute to look at/liven up a space. Good luck anon!

No. 213957

Does anyone have advice on how to build a better sense of self/self-esteem? I wouldn't say that my self-esteem is perpetually shit but I find that I tend to compare myself to my friends (or other girls) a lot and it makes me depressed. I'll see the way they are and put myself down for not being as nice, cute, pretty, talented etc etc. When I'm alone I'm fine with the way I am, but it's when I'm hanging out with friends or in some public settings (mostly parties) that I start to feel this way.

I'm not interested in dating, but in the past when it came to guys I thought were attractive I would automatically assume that they'd probably be more into my friend (or whatever other girl was there) than me. It's not just a male gaze thing, because even with friends I can't come up with reasons as to why someone would want to be friends with me. Sometimes when I'm talking to someone I don't know very well in class I get self-conscious and wonder if they'd rather be talking to someone else. It's not that I don't have a personality, but I guess I just have trouble seeing in myself positive traits that I can be proud of and confident in. I'm thinking that maybe if I was more confident in my own traits then I wouldn't feel so bad when I compare myself to others and see I fall short in certain areas. Just having trouble figuring out how to go about that…

No. 213981

Damn dude. Way to take the fun out of anon's question, not give advice, and make no sense doing so all at once. Bruh moment

No. 214028

how do i stop taking it so personally when people block me on social media? i rarely ever post and never talk about anything negative, it’s mostly just my friends mentioning me in tweets but today somebody i was following blocked me out of the blue. she’s following all of my friends and i don’t have any ill feelings towards her, and have never really interacted with her. i feel pretty sad because i think she hates me, and i’m scared there are other people who feel the same way, even though i know it doesn’t matter at all i feel really upset, how do i stop caring so much about it?

No. 214032

Realize that
a) you don't know her reasons for blocking you so you don't know how it reflects on you
b) someone blocking you who isn't even a friend of yours shouldn't matter to you and not take up mental space

If you're that upset over someone who's basically a stranger to you, blocking you online, perhaps you should take a break from social media. Clearly it's not good for you.

No. 214038

Way to not give anon any advice of your own and be useless

No. 214041

but she did give advice?

No. 214108

thanks anon, just needed to hear it from somebody else. i actually completely quit social media a few years ago because i recognized it affects me badly, but started again because my job requires me to use it. i’ll try to limit my usage as much as i can

No. 214362

File: 1637653581335.jpg (257.23 KB, 1281x846, Screenshot_6.jpg)

Genuine question from a socially awkward autist: are there any good resources on just…how to have conversations/how to socialize?

I find that it's very hard for me to keep conversations flowing and I also have difficulties sharing stuff in an interesting way. Conversations usually die very quickly because I don't know what to ask. I also have trepidations about opening up and have a tendency to feel intruded upon when people ask me perfectly nice questions. Also I noticed I have a tendency during conversations to just focus on my own ongoing anxiety and it's hard to focus on the other person. I want to learn how to make people feel good when they talk to me and leave with the impression that I am an interesting person.

Would that famous Dale Carnegie book help me or is that just a meme?

No. 214363

I have to be on the pill again because of medical reasons, but I lose my libido every single time i'm on it. I was fine on an iud, but with the pill I feel almost disgusted at the notion of sex, I cant initiate it and I barely feel horny during sex. Is there a way to counteract this effect?

No. 214364

Smoke weed

No. 214366

I do on the weekends but weed gives me mad nervousness and I still can't initiate sex. It sucks.

No. 214415

Your boring egotistical, biased opinion on apps was not advice. Also stop samefagging.

No. 214444

i'm only the second anon. and how was
>Find something that interests you, anon. For instance, I like astronomy and space, so I've got two prints hanging on my wall: one's a poster of an observatory, the other is a photograph of a moonrise.
>If you wanna be frugal but adorable, find a glass jar of something in your fridge. Whatever's in it can be transferred into tupperware, hopefully. Clean the jar, and throw your pencils and pens in it and set it on your desk. Bookshelves I prefer to keep free of shit because it gets in the way of the books. If it's short enough that you can put something on the top, go check out thrift stores for something decorative that interests you. Shopgoodwill has pretty cool shit (I've been looking for jewelry boxes on there).
not advice? i genuinely don't see why that post is causing huge reactions

No. 214482

get over yourself alrdy. no1curr

No. 214498

i already said i'm not OP…i'm just curious

No. 214514

>picks a fight
>gets ass kicked
> "no1curr"
God, learn to fucking debate, you act like a scrote.

No. 215007

How do I stop oversharing?

No. 215016

Going to sound very stupid, but what seriously helped me was thinking that everything I don't overshare is a secret from others. I like keeping secrets and knowing things others don't, so if I don't tell them, I get to have my very own secret with no way of them ever knowing, which satisfied me more than saying whatever I wanted to say lmao.

No. 215356

Please help nonnies this is urgent.. ish kek. I started my first retail job a week ago and a coworker keeps hitting on me and following me around, im pretty short with him but today he kept talking to me and gave me his number so we could “get to know eachother”
I really am not interested but have never been asked out before and am wondering how the fuck to turn down someone I have to see everyday, I look pretty young so I told him im 17 (I just turned 18 so not far off anyways) and hes obviously mid-late twenties and he just said “oh nice, so you go to the highschool near here”

No. 215360

Creepy as hell. I've worked in retail but I never had that problem. If you trust your manager(s) I would suggest talking to them about it.

No. 215362

I don’t think he seems too malicious (inb4 I get killed and this is on the news) rather than just your usual slightly creepy male, I just want him to leave me alone and not awkwardly stand beside me pretending to do shit so he can talk to me all the time KEK

No. 215363

Every time he comes close to you, walk away. If you encounter him, go in the opposite direction. Dont say a word to him. It takes an iron constitution but it usually drives off creeps.

No. 215366

does your workplace have rules on things like that? mine has strict guidelines against any kind of flirting (it's considered a form of sexual harrassment), so if that's the same where you are you can maybe report it to HR?

No. 215367

Don't be afraid to create a hostile work environment for him because he doesn't seem afraid about doing the same to YOU. Being rude to creeps like this is the only way

No. 215399

A mid-late twenties guy trying to date what he thinks is a minor/high schooler is malicious.

Anyway if you don't wanna be straight with him tell him "I'm not allowed to hang out with old (kek) guys" next time he tells you to text him.

No. 215466

How do you cope with the fact that men are talking about you?
Basically what I mean is, especially if you've been in a relationship with a man, he's gonna bring you up to his friends, and men are known to share private details about their girlfriends or women around them, like things about their sex life, nude pictures and so on. It makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable. I don't know how to cope with that fact. I don't think physical attractiveness even matters because
men are misogynistic anyway and will do those violating things to any woman. What is your stance on this and how do you approach this thought?

No. 215473

How do I develop self esteem?

No. 215477

Gas yourself up, tell yourself positive things even if you don't agree at first until you eventually believe them. Alternatively, pretend you have the self esteem of a troon, they seem to have plenty to go around kek

No. 215575

Late reply but I know from experiences when I was younger that I'd automatically turn on this 'lets not hurt his feelings' filter. It only prolongs things. It plays into what they want. Turn that filter off and say what you truly think. He won't like it but the alternative is him harassing you and not giving a damn about how you must feel.

The last time a guy (about 15 years my senior) wanted to randomly give me his phone number I was like.. why the fuck would I ever want that? Why should we hold back on that dose of reality? If you feel safe then be direct. Anything less than that leaves room for them to somehow imagine you're being receptive. Be very clear, then if you need anyone to step in and help you later on you can tell them you were clear and that there was no room for a misunderstanding. Men like that prey on our tendancy to 'save their feelings' and be vague and polite when we actually want to scream oh hell no I don't want you.

No. 215585

By getting out of your comfort zone and doing things that scare you

No. 215589

Has anyone moved from their family home and had their life completely change for the better?

I tell myself everyday that when I eventually move out X, Y and Z will improve but I don't know if that's just cope on my part. I just feel trapped here and like I need a breath of fresh air away from the people who socially stunted me but I'm afraid that when I actually leave I will still be the same weak person I am now just with more stress.

No. 215591

I moved away for college and have been going back and forth since graduating and I definitely feel better and more productive with my own life and independence when I’m not around my family every day.

No. 215592

I got out at 19 because the dynamic at home had always been unhealthy and had given me these (probably lifelong) issues with anxiety and self esteem. I never regretted it. I felt ill prepared and scared and broke when I got out but I had to get out. I've been nearly homeless a couple times and I chose to risk that rather than falling back on them. Getting out of there opened my eyes to how bad it had been and how much my issues were caused by environment. Living other places showed me how much my home life hadn't been 'the norm'

To an extent you do carry damage around with you. Depending on what happened at home… it does still find ways to manifest, low moods, impulse control, addiction, things like that you have to learn to manage when you're out on your own. Moving out is only the very beginning of healing from it. You have to set things in place to look after yourself and create a life for yourself that's on your terms.

No. 215600

File: 1638395710438.jpg (39.47 KB, 275x252, 1638211891142.jpg)

How did you avoid homelessness each time? I'm worried that might be an issue in the near future and I don't have an older sibling to ask these kinds of questions, sorry.

No. 215660

i don't know how to deal with anger properly and usually i point it at myself. i am pretty sensitive to certain sounds for example i find it really hard to focus if there's any type of noise going on around me, i can't sleep if my parents are watching the tv too loud 2 floors below me etc… the most recent example is when i was in the living room trying to work on my uni assignment and my smoker mom kept coughing every 30 seconds as she does. it angered me to the point where i bit my pencil and almost bit my hand (but stopped myself). we used to have a parrot and whenever he would scream and i had to focus on something i would sometimes throw things around in my room and become hysterical. other times i would just cry. so basically i can't control anger but i would never harm other people, just myself. does anyone resonate with this and knows how to fix it/work on it? do you know what causes this type of reaction? thank you

No. 215681

I also experience a lot of what you describe in response to 'random' noise, e.g. people talking on the phone a room away or loud chewing makes me go ballistic, and I have ASD so you may want to seek a professional diagnosis for peace of mind. The best advice I have for you is to invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones and take breaks to remove yourself from the situation when it gets too much to handle. The intense anger you're describing is scary, especially when it comes from something so 'trivial' as someone making too much noise, but you can get it under control with deep breathing and/or taking out the urge to hurt yourself/throw things by doing something harmlessly aggressive like ripping up paper or chucking ice in the bathtub or whatever. I've thrown scissors right into the drywall and chewed through a number of BiC Crystal pens for similar reasons so you're not alone in raging at dumb noise, anon.

No. 215686

sounds like misophonia? i have it too and its the only times i've had actual suicidal or homicidal urges. the anger is so unlike you too. i bring earphones everyhwere.

No. 215969

I’ve never related to something more. The anger is so overwhelming and pathetic. My housemates are noisy and I’ve been sleeping with white noise on in earphones - there’s a 3 hour version on Spotify that is at a frequency that blocks out a good amount of noise. I usually hate background noise but when I wake up in the morning I can keep it playing for awhile while I chill and not have to deal with people being loud in the morning until I’m ready and don’t have a breakdown.

No. 216071

File: 1638716278287.png (Spoiler Image,461.76 KB, 563x555, granny.PNG)

Is something like this considered granny panties? what kind of panties are considered granny panties? Before i just thought they were the high waisted type.

No. 216076

what the fuck? is anything besides a thong considered granny panties now? those looks like bikini fit.

No. 216078

not in the slightest

No. 216079

Did someone say that to you? 'cause they're wrong.

No. 216095

File: 1638722511630.jpg (32.98 KB, 600x600, skugranny-3.jpg)

lmao no. picrel is a granny panty

No. 216109

Don't panties like this dig into your bum and give you a wedgie?

No. 216112

Nta but I never buy panties in that style because I find them too skimpy to not just ride up all day anyway, to me they're nearly as bad as thongs. I don't quite wear granny panties either but there's a whole seperate level that exists inbetween >>216071 and actual granny panties.

No. 216117

If any panty "digs in" to you then it's too small for you. Bikini fit panties shouldn't give you that wedgie feeling like a thong. But even a thong shouldn't "dig in" to you, just feels awkward to have cloth that deep between the cheeks.

No. 216146

I saw a video claiming so and nobody contested it so i was just making sure. Sorry for the stupid question

No. 216165

I don't have misophonia but i experience this with the sound of my sister pacing up and down the house (maladaptive daydreaming, she does this for hours on end while also muttering to herself). It drives me insane. the only solution for me is to drown it out with music, lofi is good for studying if like me you're distracted by lyrics

No. 216265

How do I politely keep a distance from a guy whom I want to sustain a strictly platonic, preferably professional relationship with? I've already told him I have a boyfriend, but I know he is interested in me anyway. I don't want to be close friends with him though, like sending pictures of gifts I got over the holidays etc. I also am not interested in pictures of the things he is doing. I don't want to block him or have bad blood either, since we are both part of a project I care about. I want to have a good relationship with the people involved which is why I initially was friendly towards him and emphasised we stay in touch, but I mainly had the interests of our activism in mind, not anything else.

No. 216388

File: 1638908391026.jpeg (97.45 KB, 1005x1400, 1 LCnA-hw-iehbK4yQt_NsDA.jpeg)

So I ghosted literally all of my friends because I have an emotional intimacy/avoidance problem. One of them had her birthday last week and I thought about calling her but the idea of it stressed me out so I didn't. But still I feel like it would be the right thing to do. I just don't know what I should say. I ghosted her before multiple times before and each time I apologized and explained that my tendency to isolate is like an addiction that I'm trying to fight but always seem to fall back. If I called her and she would ask about it I could only repeat myself once more like a broken record. This is the longest period that I ghosted her (several months).

Should I call her, wish her a belated happy birthday and just deal with the probable awkwardness? It feels like the right thing to do, because it's the opposite of avoidance but I'm just afraid of her reaction

No. 216392

Another farmer should have a better plan A, but just in case, farting in front of him is a great plan B.

No. 216394

Don't bother her and die alone, you're a shit friend.

No. 216395

I'm aware I am. Thanks for your input I guess

No. 216397

Why bother contacting her if you're just going to start the cycle over again eventually? I've had friends like you and it's just better to leave them alone unless you really plan to change your behavior upon reconnecting. I suggest getting some help with your issues if you want to make serious friends in the future.

No. 216399

I've planned to change my behavior every single time I reconnected with someone. I'm not hurting people on purpose, I just get triggered and turn to self-defense mode. And I did get help, I've been in therapy for multiple years

No. 216418

No advice, I just wanted to say that I do the same thing and I hate myself for it. When a relationship hits a certain point, I start obsessing over how boring and inadequate I am so I ghost them. I feel so terrible that I just stopped meeting new people altogether.

No. 216449

Thank you for your posts nonnas, it makes me feel better that I'm not alone. Hope it gets better for you

No. 216500

Does anyone know of any resources, advice, etc. on how I can learn to budget and handle my finances? I will admit that I've been pretty sheltered and privileged because my parents were willing to finance me through school. Once I graduate, I'm going to start working a salary job and will obviously be paying for myself, but I don't want to be retarded with my money and want to save up and budget. I've seen a couple things online like you should be paying less than 1/3 of your salary on rent (important because I live in a pretty expensive city) and other sorts of things, but I want to learn more on how much I should be saving realistically each month, etc. I guess most of this is common sense and it's not really something I need to think about until I actually get a job, but honestly I'm pretty autistic when it comes to a lot of common sense things so I think it'd help to do a little reading beforehand.

No. 216525

I'm not sure if this is the right thread, but still. (if anybody can point me out to something more appropriate)
As someone who wants to have my first child and I'm a few months from start trying I'm curious to know what anons here would have liked from their mothers when they were kids. (Specially if you were gender non conforming, LGB, dealt with psychological issues/mental illness etc.)
As an example of my own life I wish I had been allowed to wear "boys clothes" or have my hair cut short. I also would have liked to be listened more specially concerning my depression that developed when I was a tween but I was never taken seriously and my mom never asked why I was holed up in my room all day on my PC and didn't have friends.

No. 216672

File: 1639080841035.jpeg (99.61 KB, 640x406, 746298CA-75CD-4A6D-8DB3-AE575B…)

Sigh, gonna need you all to be real with me. So I’m invited to this baby shower, and I’m very not big on kids, ESPECIALLY babies. Like don’t get me wrong I’ll show up, be happy for her and do the aaawwss and ooooo’s but that’s it. Now they want me to join in on the planning and I can’t for the life of me think of a polite way to say no without sounding like the biggest downer. Am I being immature and dramatic and should I just suck it up?

It’s probably not a big deal but all this baby shit just gives me so much anxiety Jesus fuck

No. 216680

If you dislike parts of yourself, it's really not best to display that in front of your children. I understand that parents are people and have insecurities, but my mom talking so badly about her body when she's a legitimate hourglass and thin made me feel like it is okay to hate myself. As your kid gets older, I think it's okay to talk more about those things, but at the beginning of puberty and as a kid, I don't think it's a good idea.

I also suggest if you have any serious mental illness to get it treated, but I understand if that is not an option.

No. 216685

Hi Lolcow, wondering how to go about this. I can't really afford gifts for my family this Xmas. I have 4 adult siblings and I have to spend on my boyfriend's parents because I live in their house, so the guilt is tremendous.l I've spent a lot of money lately paying my medical bills and I feel like I can't justify spending more. I do have an okay, decent amount of savings, but I really don't make that much (40k per year, no benefits). I'm really embarrassed because I've asked some of them what they want via text already, but I'm thinking of group texting everyone and apologizing and explaining that I cannot afford to get them gifts due to my medical bills. Is that shitty of me? Is this a cause worth dipping into savings for? I pay for all the food in the 4-person household I live in and they like to eat expensively (no repeat meals, that kind of thing). I feel bad because I know this is selfish.

To add to this situation, my parents have said they'd pay for my medical bills, but they want to do it through their HSA which they can't figure out and I don't want to be in debt so I've just paid off the medical bills. They are a bit burnt over this and they say they'll pay anyway, but it seems like they are upset and I really would rather just pay it myself instead of shouldering this drama. It frustrates me because they act like they'd have paid if I didn't pay it myself, but I sent them photos of all the bills, and they never did anything. I have tried to explain I don't want to get into debt when I don't even have a credit card so I know my credit score is not great, but they tell me I'm overreacting. I just feel so stressed.

No. 216693

>Am I being immature and dramatic and should I just suck it up?
Just say no, you don't owe them your time and energy. Sticking up for yourself is the mature thing to do.

Gifts are a luxury, can't you see how saying it's selfish you can't afford them after paying f-ing medical bills is ridiculous? dumbass.

No. 216701

How would you go about rebuilding sexuality after a ten-year porn addiction that led me to false bisexuality, BDSM and zero orgasm? I've been abstinent for one year,no sex no porn no sex drive. The only things I know I genuinely like are getting my nipples licked and sucking dick. I can lose myself with both. All other sex acts, including masturbation, I start seeing myself in the third person as if I am in a porn film. I feel like I fucked (eheh) myself over forever.

No. 216708

I have savings, so I'm not broke. You're right about me being a dumbass, though.

No. 216715

how much money do you spend on food per month since these people apparently eat like they're rich?

No. 216718

Are baby showers not normally before the birth? Last one I went to my pregnant friend just sat there and received her presents while everybody else got completely smashed. It was loads of fun

No. 216727

My friend is suicidal and I know I'm not some kind of savior but I really want to help her somehow. I don't know her irl and she's in America while I'm in Europe but I love her and don't want her to hurt herself. She's had an attempt recently and is still not doing well after. She vents to me and I don't mind that at all because she listens to me as well, but our depression is not the same and as much as I relate to some parts of how she feels I don't know how to talk her down from hurting herself when she has these moments. Can someone suggest me some harm reduction methods I can maybe forward her because she's really trying her best to not feel this way and I feel helpless when she comes to me with these feelings. I've googled some things but often times when we're at our worst we can't just go shopping or focus on a tv show like a lot of these websites recommend. Anons what helped you when you were suicidal, what stopped you from doing it, what would get out of a self harm urge when you had it? I'd hate to lose her and I just want to do the best I can to support her

No. 216728

Shouldn't you be trying to maintain your savings anyway as a buffer for more medical bills? Or are those completely out of the way now? Personally I don't think it's normal to dip into savings for gifts.

No. 216746

File: 1639115647385.jpg (344.2 KB, 1200x1470, Edvard_Munch_-_The_Kiss_-_Goog…)

Anons help me, I can't decide if the following idea is a rational and empathetic one or a completely irrational one that I'm having because I'm limerent/obsessed with this person:

I've been at a new workplace for a few months and developed a crush on a coworker who's also a supervisor to me. During the calls we took we talked both about work and not work related stuff and got to know him somewhat well. In the beginning I haven't noticed anything strange other than him being dehydrated and drinking a lot during our meetings but did not think much of it. After 2 months passed, he starts acting hot and cold, cranky/friendly completely on random and once even slammed a call on me. After a day where he messaged me in work chat saying that he's feeling dreadful and calling sick it became obvious that he has an alcohol problem. I don't know when it started but the last 2 weeks it's been spiraling out of control. We don't have friendly non-work related chats anymore and even in the ones that are strictly work related he's slurring his words, jumping from one thing to another and can barely hold himself together and pay attention. It's breaking my fucking heart.

The idea in question: I'm thinking about calling him or reaching out to him on social media maybe on the weekend and telling him that I noticed these signs and worried and it's horrible to see how a wonderful and intelligent person like him is destroying himself.

Point of doubt: I'm not sure if he feels as close to me as I feel to him (probably not). During our calls sometimes I felt like he might be interested in me but I might have been just projecting, I've always been shit at social interactions and gauging people. I just want to help him in some way but not sure what I can do. I can't stop stalking his social media and wondering what a different person he might have become if he hasn't had developed this problem. Also I just can't stop thinking and fantasizing about him, period

No. 216753

Stay out of that mess, nothing good can come out of it.

No. 216762

This. No need to get involved with this mess of a man. You don't need that in your life.

No. 216782

If you decide not to buy gifts then you should just let people know with a bit of notice, or you could always buy small gifts and similarly let people know. I've had years when I told family "look I'm only buying small things this year so please don't get me anything expensive"

No. 216785

Don't go near an alcoholic workmate, don't date him, don't befriend him, don't overstep the mark and start confronting him about his addiction. You will not be thanked for it. Showing empathy (they see it as weakness) for male alcos always backfires spectacularly. He will either rage out at you or will take advantage of you. He's fucked and it's his own job to hit his rock bottom and change when he feels like it. You can't do shit for him but either enable him or take his rage tbh.

Stay clear of actively addicted scrotes. You have to emotionally detach from this.
> he starts acting hot and cold, cranky/friendly completely on random and once even slammed a call on me.
If he does this at work then he'd be a full on wife beater behind closed doors. Guarantee it. Male alcoholics aren't cutesy little victims who fell on hard times and need love. Treat him as dangerous and interact with him as little and as 'purely professional' as possible. A man with poor impulse control, poor emotional regulation, poor decision making, poor consideration of others, you will get hurt if you dare to try and help.

No. 216789

File: 1639149294155.jpg (40.35 KB, 480x511, de69fc39c7534fb6f0f86e0322b82e…)

Nonnas I could really use some advice… I know this is retarded af but basically I've discovered FDS and radical feminism like a year ago and its been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it freed me from a lot of shit, helps me navigate this society easier and revealed me men's true nature but also sort of a curse because now I know my dream relationship is almost impossible.
Like, ideally when I'll be in my late 20s-30s I'd love to find a High Value man to eventually marry, have a kid or two and just be in a normal, 100% monogamous relationship where he isn't interested into porn or other women but only me, no weird kink… Idk it feels natural if I'm in love with someone, to want to cherish them, not do degrading/hurting stuff in bed, be exclusive and plan some sort of future together but I know that today's porn culture added to centhuries-long patriarchy make it almost impossible to find a man w a similar mindset. I haven't had a bf in a few years now and my job, friends and hobbies make me super happy but idk I guess I'm just a huge sap because I terribly miss that kind of faithful, stable romantic love in my life. I swear I feel fucking tricked, growing up with the fairytale princess romance trope and now knowing reality is that bad. Like for the past few weeks I've litteraly bawled my eyes out after reading some historical romance/fluffy fanfic because I know I'll never get to experience that with a long term partner.
Do I decide to remain celibate forever and masturbate/have one night stands ? Or do I find a HV bf and invest time and energy into a relationship that will eventually end in 5, 10, 20 years? Again sorry I know this is cringe but I just feel very depressed about that

No. 216792


Does this read like a scrote wrote it to anyone else or is it just me?

No. 216793

File: 1639152418151.jpg (38.39 KB, 567x709, 15ehg3b23vt71.jpg)

First relationship & we met on Tinder. I'm a current freshman in college & he's a junior. I might have rushed into it a little fast — he was my first date ever on Tinder and we just clicked when it came to things (we were basically a little too similar), and I dunno after like a few days after meeting him I think I implied exclusivity and now we're exclusive? He called me his girlfriend, and I mean I guess it stuck..
It's been about a little over a month now, and what we've been doing consists mostly of me letting him use my guest meals (lol) and occasionally going over to his to watch something once a week and occasional sleepovers with cuddling, & 3rd base is the furthest we've gone.
Thing is, I've never really felt certain. I can see a future with him, but I just don't feel… excited about it.
He's nice and all, but I don't know what I want right now. I don't feel experienced enough in college itself to spend my freshman year spending my Saturday nights doing Netflix and Chill. I feel so materialistic/shitty, especially since I don't even have a car nor my own place (next year!), but that's also a driving factor for me not feeling entirely ready anymore.

No. 216794

I may be cringe but atleast I'm not a moid thx

No. 216795

Yeah, i see it

No. 216796

English isn't my first language so it sounded weirder than I thought again. Anyways if it makes you happy to believe I'm a scrote then think what you want. Advice thread not even once

No. 216799

Anon, you don't really sound into this guy. Go out and find yourself someone who fills your stomach with happiness just by seeing him. Enjoy your freshman year.

No. 216801

He sounds weirdly 'low effort' for such an early stage of dating. This is the stage where you usually get the most effort put into taking you interesting places and doing more than just hanging out at home. Where's the excitement? No wonder you've lost interest already. I'm older so nowadays I like comfy but at your age and a month in.. this is just lazy on his part.

My first 'relationship' lasted a similar length of time and had similar issues.. we never really did much. He stayed over at the weekend and we messed around a bit but I never took it to full sex, thankfully. tbh I usually don't even count him when I'm listing off my past relationships. It ended before it even started because he skipped the dating part and just got too boring and comfortable right off the bat. At 19 if you've never dated before you're being robbed of all the excitement there should be around dating. That and he's just ticking off all the sex bases with minimal effort. If you're not feeling it get out before it escalates to sex. You won't feel too used then. He could very well be using you given he's not taking you out much. That's a bad sign.

No. 216802

>I can see a future with him
You can't, or at least shouldn't, see a future with someone after only a month. Right now you're still in the middle of exploring, seeing if you're right for each other. You've already decided you don't wanna do this, so don't.

No. 216803

Was your last relationship really that loving if you're not in it anymore? Besides, you need to stop thinking so much. I think a priority for you is finding a kind man without worrying so much about marriage. FDS do a lot of talking but I haven't seen much women in relationships there.

No. 216804


Fine. If you want some real advice here it goes:
What the fuck is a "High Value" man, anyway?

No, seriously. I think you're very conflicted/scared because you yourself don't have a good idea about what kind of man you're into.

You want someone who's not into porn, will be a good father/husband, will be your prince charming..? That's not a person, that's a Hodge podge of "ideal man" and "basic courtesy" traits you've assembled over the years. The reality that even if you were looking for a woman, you would be having a hard time finding the one for you. Because you're wasting time trying to find the perfect person from the get go rather than actually connecting with someone, and growing your life with them organically. There is no one perfect out there. You're just gonna have to meet and know someone who's charming enough that you care to handle them at their worst.

Go out and meet people, use feminism to identify red flags, and then put your best foot forawrd and start living your goddamn life.

No. 216811

I have been! Finals have taken a chunk out of me though.
He's taken me out to actual dates thrice out of… perhaps the other 10 times we've hung out (that he basically considers a date), but I see, thats also how I felt although I just wasn't sure if I was justified in that area considering the fact that it's my first relationship & I don't know where I stand value-wise.
You're right… I feel guilty but how might I approach perhaps breaking it off with him?
He's genuinely nice, and I think he's emotionally invested in me, since I'm his first relationship in a while since college. I've kept up a kind of engaging exterior till now, but I don't know – I was thinking perhaps just going at it bluntly and saying that I might've rushed into things too fast, and that the year gap between us is something I can't stomach after thinking about it.
It's just, I'm involved in a ridiculous amount of extracurriculars and we're both engineering majors, so I feel like both of our times could be used towards something more productive.

No. 216822

>a full on wife beater behind closed doors
A couple months ago when I just started you couldn't have met a funnier, kinder and smarter guy, you could talk about anything with him (he literally has a PhD too btw) - literature, cinema, philosophy, etc. It's the last few weeks that he's started going downhill and it's terrifying to witness it. I'm scared for him, there's no way others haven't noticed it

No. 216838

You are not his mother. He's a grown man. You can't save him from himself.

No. 216846


You do realize that the TV version of abusers isn't real, right? They're not always drunk deadbeats in days old stained clothing. They can be charming, intelligent, interesting, and polite. The only difference between them and normal people is that they will flip flop between their nice phase and monster phase.

That's why a lot of people in abusive relationships get stuck in them. They think the next honeymoon phase is their partners finally being "fixed" and "returning back to who they used to be".

Please read up more on the subject or at least watch an essay about it. I understand that you want to help a person, but it's not your job to help him out.

No. 216871

Do not do it, seriously. Let it go, you don't know this man well or long enough to be his saviour and you'll only risk him taking you down with him. It's very unwise getting personally involved with an alchoholic man, he won't match the empathy you have for him.

No. 216900

File: 1639231178710.jpg (69.07 KB, 474x640, 323.jpg)

Is it ok to cut ties with your little brother? We're from a dysfunctional family and as far as I can remember he's always been either angry or indifferent towards me, and since he became a preteen(?) I think he's always been alternating phases where he's nice and we get to bond and have fun and then he starts mocking me, calling me names (like obese, even though I'm normal weight, whore etc..) even hit me sometimes since he's 15 now he became stronger than me. I have a job but have to live w my dad because of financial issues after my parent's divorce so I only see my brother on weekends, but I swear it drains me and I always end up feeling like shit. My mom basically gave up on his education and my dad tries to have authority but most of the time indulges him bc he's afraid of losing him or something. I've tried countless times to get my dad to help but he wants me to be as kind as possible and not answer when he insults me to keep him as calm as possible (obvs doesn't work). So when I stand up for myself my dad says I'm the one who's always provoking him and defends him.
So it's been a few monthes I've been completely ignoring him, I never go see him, don't reply when he texts, and on weekends I act as if he wasn't there, don't even say hi/bye. My dad says I'm breaking the family unity and I have to help him but it's not my fault if my parents have always been dysfunctional. Also I've been thru a lot of tough shit aside from home like school bullying and sexual assault but I've never been such an asshole to anyone, in fact I have a sister 2 years younger than me and we've always been close. He's fucking 15 now, way old enough to know what he's doing.
I won't be able to move out til a year maybe so right now I don't know what to do. Am I right to ignore him? Or should I do something else ?

No. 216903

Anon I have a very similiar situation with my sister. I won't dive into a blogpost here but know you don't owe your brother contact if he doesn't treat you well. During the final years of our tine living at home, we lived in the same house not talking or acknowledging each other and that was significantly less stessfull than keeping on trying to make things work, I spent many years doing that thinking she'd grow out of it but she never did well into adulthood when I cut off contact. Keep ignoring your brother until you can move out (unless he attempts to mend your relationship on his own initiative). You don't have to sacrifice your own physical and mental well-being for him.

Your brother is probably damaged from being from a dysfunctional family, I know my sister is, you can't fix him and can't help him if he doesn't want help. Trying to mend your relationship when he's like this will only take toll on you. Best to move out asap and keep the contact and interaction with him as minimal as possible to avoid stress and him hitting you (that's abuse)

No. 216904

Most people are able to compartmentalize and show up to work as the best version of themselves that they can muster up. That's what you got at first. Whatever his emotional demons are.. they didn't spring up out of nowhere. It's really just proof that the scrotes making nice chat with you at work or school or impressing you in the early few weeks of knowing them aren't always the greatest, coolest, smartest, nicest guys. Alot of the time you need to get burnt to really learn that and it sucks. It's one of life shittest lessons imo. You show empathy to someone who seems down on their luck and they stab you because they're too far gone to appreciate you or to not hurt everyon else. Don't get burnt. Don't walk into the flames when you can take the advice of all these anons instead lol

No. 216996

File: 1639290377765.jpg (48.16 KB, 622x622, 94536754da54808aaccd7e6770700b…)

What kind of texts does he even send you? I agree with the other anon, the ball is in his court and you have nothing left to give him. He needs to grow up and take initiative. All males know when they do us wrong, they just act stupid.

I can't even imagine my little brother calling me a whore or hitting me. I think that would be beyond heartbreaking, to have someone you watched since a baby grow up to be a typical scrote.

No. 217026

Friend that knows noone else in the area just walked 5km in the fucking snow to show up at my house with a black eye.
Divorcing her husband. Sparsely speaks the language or English. I'll call woman shelters in the area but how do I deal with this well? How do I figure out what she wants to do?

How likely is it that hell show up here? We're out in the middle of nowhere by ourselves here..

No. 217027

Ignore him if he continues being shitty but don't cut him out of your life completely just yet. He's only 15, going through puberty, hormones all that shit. My brother was an asshole in his teens but he did eventually get his shit together and apologized and we're cool with each other now.

No. 217031

If he knows you are friends and where you live very likely, I'd assume. Get out of there and go somewhere else as soon as possible, make sure she has her stuff. How well can you communicate with her? Can she tell you how bad it's been? Does he have a gun or other weapons?

No. 217050

No weapons in this country, and if, I did tell my hunter neighbour that there might be trouble tonight. Just in case.. He can be here in five.

He does know I'm her only real contact, but when he wrote me a text I just acted confused and he hasn't reached out since. Sadly we don't have any places to go, I also have my two dogs and a bunch of chickens. I don't want to leave them here alone.

She's waiting for some documents she'll get this week, after that she'd like to leave the country back home. She's here illegally so not a lot. If we have to go pick up things, I would've brought some farmer friends along? Else, no police, no documenting.. Apparently wasn't the first time either. Makes you want to go out and hurt some scrote.. Urghhhh.

No. 217057

>He's only 15, going through puberty, hormones all that shit.
so are teenage girls but they don't go around hitting people all the time lol

No. 217083

File: 1639339028139.jpg (61.9 KB, 470x584, hug.jpg)

Thank you all nonnies for your advice

Yup, it's really sad cuz I was so happy when he was born and he's a big part of the reason I work with babies and toddlers and love them. I've always loved him I don't think he ever loved me tho. And now after having been hit and called a disgusting fat bitch so many times I think most of that love is gone I feel very resentful.

Exactly I know growing in the same household≠exact same childhood for every sibling but fuck me and my sister have never acted like that, and we have just as many reasons (if not more imho) to be bitter and resentful towards life

No. 217154

File: 1639374437167.jpg (170.33 KB, 682x392, ca0113_dermclinic_diabeticrot_…)

i hate my body a lot. mostly my skin since it isn't clear. my face is clear with minimal pimples, etc but fucking neck down i have tons of hyperpigmentation scars and other shit from scarring. i really wanna wear sundresses and be able to wear short sleeves without people noticing my hairy arms and my legs looking like a connect the dots. over the years ive tried a lot of whitening shit for it but it never goes away. any advice to get rid of them or maybe how to not give a shit about it?

No. 217159

The only people who're gonna notice are close loved ones and maybe some friends. Most people aren't going to notice spots below your face/eye-level. They're not exactly studying you below eye-level after all. Most people including you really overestimate how much people pay attention, how much people see and remember in a quick look and how much they care, it's really far less than you think. People don't care as much about you as you care about you and they don't get to look at you as long and intently as you do which causes you to notice all your imperfections, but not them.

No. 217180

So, my boyfriend is not a nigel tier guy, at all. I do love him, and he loves me, we are complicated people and both of us is flawed. Said that.
I am a bisexual woman, and I never had issues when interested in someone. I have been chased multiple times even when people knew I had a bf, by both men and women allegedly falling in love with me etc.
Thing is, I am his first gf, and never had people overtly chasing him, and even when we had threesome experiences it was clear that I was the one desired by the other girls, despite him being fairly attractive.
Thing is, it is becoming more and more clear that this is starting to weight down on him, not because he's jealous of me but because he's jealous of the attentions I'm getting. He sometimes makes snirky comments, or behaves… weirdly when I have people liking me.
I don't know what to do, he openly said that he would like to be center of attention and that he has problems with approaching other people, but more than making him know that he's center of attention is hardly doable. He won't even understand that it is also because of his behavior.
And even so, I shouldn't feel responsible for the resentment, I just don't know how to behave because I feel like it will eventually become a problem in our relationship. He's been saying stuff that hurts me, and it is becoming weird because he goes from saying that I'm a great person and one of the best he ever met, to saying that I'm a shit person and I treat others unfairly (when I say that I'm not interested in others).
I don't even know if it would make sense trying to talk about this with him, I think it might sour our situation more.

No. 217190

When I started moisturizing with oils instead of lotion I noticed my scars going away a lot faster, so I'd try that if you're up to it. I also use the discoloration serum by goodmolecules, it worked so fucking good. I had really bad scarring on my jawline and most of them are gone, and new ones I get don't stay for long

No. 217194

AHA would help with fading them

No. 217219

If you're just looking for a quick fix you can just put some makeup on them, a yellow/peachy tone will help you cover the violet undertones. You don't have to be as careful matching, because people don't really pay attencion, just make sure to set it really well because it might rub off if you're not careful. You can also just not give a shit, nobody will care

No. 217304

File: 1639447628616.jpg (93.15 KB, 559x610, 1561829914875.jpg)

I am so lost in life.
My best friend is married with kids, other have forgotten about me and/or have boyfriends and other friends to hang with. One of my cousins got married recently and another is moving in with her boyfriend all while I sit in my mid twenties a kissless, dateless virgin. Everyone I know is advancing their life while mine has been the sam e for years.
Every skill I'm supposed to be good at, I'm actually just okay or not even that good. My is art is only good to people who have never picked up a pencil. I'm supposed to be good at learning languages but I only learned Englosh.
I wanted to be a good student, but was barely avarage. No matter how hard I studied I got average grades, nothing more.
I have been trying to improve things that I don't like about myself, trying to become at least a little bit like the person I want to be but I often get overwhelmed with all the work I have to do and whith everything I have no power to change.
I'm starting to resent people around me for just existing and living their lives and I hate myself for it. I know I'm lagging behind in life and I really don't want to be like this, but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like nothing ever gonna get better and nothing's ever gonna change.

Has anyone who felt like this ever managed to crawl out of the hole? I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die I want to help myself.

No. 217398

Anon, I know how you feel. Everything I've tried I feel like a failure at because I don't excel. But you know what, it's ok to be average. You don't need to be the best at whatever it is you do. You're not going to improve yourself overnight, I know it's hard to remember that but it's true. Don't be so hard on yourself because there's probably so many things you're good at but criticize yourself too harshly. Take it one day at a time.

I can't say that I've fully crawled out of my hole because I have my good days and my bad days, but I do think things are getting better even if sometimes I stumble and take a few steps back. It can get frustrating looking at how slow the progress is but again, you just have to keep reminding yourself that it's not going to happen overnight. I'm here if you ever need to talk, drop some contact info in the FF thread if you'd like.

No. 217404

So my therapist and I have some opposite views/beliefs about gender and relationships and I was wondering if it matters or not. I've been seeing her for like one year and a half, not for gender related stuff but mostly to treat family/childhood trauma by EMDR and she really helps with that and I trust her, but sometimes she's said stuff that bothered me, like how great it is that trans and nb people have gained acceptance for the past few years, how her nb and agender (kek) patients felt liberated by finding their twue self and recently when talking about my sexual orientation and relationship boundaries she said how some bi men can keep having one-night stands with men in agreement with their wife and that kind of open relationship uwu advocating just doesn't sit well with me.
On the other hand she's been a great help for treating my sexual trauma, like when I explained to her how my ex was a porn addict who tried to force me into every fetish you can imagine (like cosplay sex, piss, rape "play") she agreed that this shit ain't normal and mentionned helping some patients quit BDSM, so she's not THAT libfemmy but still.
I know most therapists these days are trained to validate troons and other gender specials and that very few normies know about radfem stuff anyways but I guess I'm afraid she wouldn't give me the best advice when it comes to relationships? Like some scrote redflags that liberal feminism made acceptable? I mean she's only in her 30s but my past therapist was in her 60s and yet believed that polygamy is ok and that in some cases it's ok to get back with a scrote who cheated on you, so I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with age. I used to be a handmaiden too before learning about how gender stuff and liberal feminism harm women in today's world, so I guess it's just that she doesn't even know about all this.
Anyways do you think I'm overthinking? Or that our differences could badly affect therapy?

No. 217407

I had a brief sexual relationship with my dentist about 2 years ago. Long story short, we flirted a bit at an appointment and then ran into each other at a bar later that week and from there on we became, I guess, FWB? I mean it was very laid back. No "formal" dates and certainly no mention of the L word. I cut it off after a month or so as I was in a bad mental state and didn't want either of us getting hurt. She took it on the chin and we both moved on with our lives. I never saw her again until today. I actually tried getting an appointment with other dentists because I was worried it would be weird between us but things were fine. She was as friendly as ever, even joked about how she's surprised a woman pinned me down long enough to get a ring on my finger when she saw my wedding band lol. Anyway, as she was doing my filling I noticed she has a lot of thank you cards and Christmas cards so I wanna know you ladies honest opinion: Would it be weird if I sent her a card thanking her and wishing her a happy Christmas? I genuinely do mean it when I say that she's very good at her job. I'm a 'tist who hates getting dental work done but she's always been very respectful of that and stops to ask if I'm ok frequently which other dentists don't tend to do. As we both live in a small town I figure I'm bound to see her again at some point so I may as well keep it cordial, right? I'm just worried I might come off as a creep or worse, it'll look like I'm hitting on her.

No. 217452

It would be weird and unnecessary. Consider also that it's disrespectful of your wife.

No. 217456

Might be good to start telling her the gender stuff is triggering for you, she might be able to respect that

No. 217458

She’s not a man so she’ll probably take it as the cordial gesture it’s meant to be

No. 217497

>sucking dick
You're still pornsick

No. 217498

You probably wont listen to other anons and you will regret it when you are eventually mentally destroyed. People like you always have a retarded saviour complex, especially when it comes to romance

No. 217527

File: 1639549828306.png (584.51 KB, 899x667, attachment-11.png)

How the fuck do I rewire my brain so it doesn't associate people and closeness with danger? I have been in therapy for a long time but still have problems with emotional intimacy and just stick to avoiding people. I want to feel what normal people feel - excitement, a desire to spend time with people and share information with them. When the potential to spend time with people comes up all I feel is vulnerability and the desire to avoid and hide

No. 217532

Are you from Sweden?

No. 217535

I'm not, what gave you the idea?

No. 217537

you're not overthinking it imo, I'd never want therapy from someone who legitimately believes agender and nonbinary are a thing because it tells me they probably either 1) have poor reasoning skills, 2) they care too much about appearing woke, or 3) they let their empathy override their actual decision making. I also feel like I need to see eye to eye to a certain extent when I'm seeking help for mental issues and if there's that much of a disconnect I don't think they could help me.

but if none of those things get to you and you like her and she's a good therapist you should keep seeing her imo. it really all comes down to how you feel, and it's probably hard to find a therapist who isn't at least a little into the gender bullshit because they are encouraged to be so accepting of everyone.

No. 217540

File: 1639555248986.jpg (111.55 KB, 1014x577, Screenshot_8.jpg)

Okay I lied lmao I am from Sweden. Do you happen to know whom I was talking about? Might we be working at the same company?? (posted again because hint might have been too on the nose)

No. 217559

How do I get better at confrontations? I really, really fucking hate it. I hate confronting people about anything, even if it gives me pain. I'd rather just tolerate things than tell the other person they are being a bother. For example, we had a group project and no one else was doing work except me but I didn't want to confront them so I just did all the work A to Z myself. Or if someone keeps annoying me, like bumping into me too much, I'll just seethe alone than tell them to stop. Not only this, but say I angered someone, and the anger is valid, I'd just never ever bring it up and talk it out unless they approach first then I'd apologize because I'm too afraid. It's such a negative trait and I've no idea how to go about it.

No. 217568

Only you can really answer this question. Personally I'd put up with a therapist that was actually helpful and had some slightly woo woo views on gender etc. since your trauma isn't strictly to do with gender issues. The thing about your ex and the fetishes is promising, and proves she can think critically.
If you think she mostly has her head screwed on straight and wouldn't outright give you bad advice like the last therapist, it's good to know where she stands in her views so that you can critically assess the advice she does give.
However, she does seem to talk about her other patients a lot, which I find a bit odd and not completely professional. You could just ask her not to do this any more. And if she tries to suggest anything about your own gender you can put your foot down hard or just not go back.

No. 217580

Is he 26?

No. 217585

No, he's in his early 30s

No. 217597

Alright then! it would have been funny if it turned out that we work at the same company

No. 217606

How can I overcome learned helplessness? I go through these periods where I feel like I have no control over my life and I'm essentially just either waiting for someone to save me or just waiting for something to happen I guess…? I don't really have hobbies because I find them difficult to keep. There are things I want and think about doing but actually doing them is daunting so I just avoid doing them. Most of the time I feel really…small and feel like everyone is bigger, smarter, etc than me. I just want to be a real person

No. 217616

dissociate yourself from the immediate context. write prompts for situations you know will happen again. copy and paste.

No. 217619

Genuine question: why do you consider it disrespectful? I did tell my wife about the situation and she said that it would be good to establish a friendly tone between us as this woman is my dentist and living in the same small town as us so I'll end up seeing her again at some point.

Yeah, that's what I figured. The card will be addressed to both her and her assistant who worked on me too so I think a simple thank you and merry Christmas should be fine? I just overthink things way too much.

No. 217621

nta but because you fucked her before, why's that so difficult to comprehend. Now if your wife's fine with it, go ahead I guess, but normal it is certaintly not in most relationships. I do think it's weird to send your dentist a card though.

No. 217623

I just think it's childish to have to keep someone at arms length because I have a prior sexual relationship with her. If it was a romantic relationship then sure, that I can understand. But situation reversed I wouldn't want my wife to avoid any sort of friendly interaction with people from her past on account of me. I guess it is odd to send a dentist a card but I saw that she had a lot of them so I thought maybe it would be best to thank her for dealing with my autistic anxiety of having two people up in my face and just kinda, idk, keep it friendly so neither of us feel weird about seeing each other. Idk anymore.

No. 217627

I’m always wary to comment on body hair here because once I said I shave my pubic area and someone called me a scrote. A question for anons that also do: Have any of you been to a salon to be waxed? What was it like? I am too scared and embarrassed to do it. Plus I can’t let my body hair grow out long enough that is suitable for waxing. (It is a preference!! Nothing against not shaving!)

No. 217637

Actually I'm curious about this too

No. 217650

I'm ntayrt but damn this is a lot of drama over a card. Hardly anyone sends them these days except boomers anyway, it will be displayed for a while and then thrown out and your dentist will not remember whether you sent one or not within a couple months of it happening. Dealing with anxious patients is her job, you don't have to go through all this emotional turmoil to thank her for doing what she's paid to do. Just don't send it. Even if your wife is fine with it shit's weird in general and more so considering you fucked her.

No. 217657

Have had my private parts waxed. It hurts! That's all you need to know. They've seen a lot of vag, so don't be embarrassed. I mean, it's normal and everything to be embarrassed, but trust me, after the first patch of wax is removed, you stop caring about that and think oh, god, how much more? The hair does need to be long enough, so that it gets pulled with the root - that's the whole point of waxing. You will have smooth area for around two weeks though, but it depends from person to person.

No. 217667

Damn all that pain for only 2 weeks? Sometimes I wonder if laser is the way

No. 217678

maybe incoming retardation

i had sex when i was 14-15 with a guy who was 19 and i'm not sure how to deal with my recent mental happenings about this. in recent years, i'm realizing how much it has been affecting me. despite each time being consensual, all i remember was that we would fuck after an argument, specifically when i was angry at him. it seemed as though he literally only 'started' a relationship with me to have sex. it's been a lot of years since then and i don't really know how to process it. i barely feel comfortable disclosing any of this because i don't really know if i'm a victim of something and telling my friends makes me feel ashamed. i think i have permanent brain damage from the internet because i don't even know what the term 'grooming' entails, and because i consented, it doesn't really feel right. i'm just unsure, i feel like i can't have proper relationships and all of my relationships have felt similar. i guess, am i retroactively recounting all my relationships in a negative way because of this? or am i just overthinking residual hook-up culture shit. i just don't know. i just feel like i'm more or less only someone of value for sex and temporary otherwise. fuck

No. 217764

part of grooming is making the minor/younger person think that what they're being forced to do is right and that they consented. could you have wanted it in the moment? sure. kids are fascinated by sex and being "respected" by older people, aka doing things they shouldn't be doing to gain their approval. ask yourself if you'd ever picture yourself being in a relationship with an underage child, 5 years younger than you, as an adult. practically every relationship like that involves manipulation and power imbalance, not just because of the theoretical differences in mental capacity but also because in real life, all the guys who date underage girls are creeps and sociopaths who can't get a naive enough girlfriend in their age range, so they opt in for what's easier to coerce into sex or an intimate relationship.

No. 217793

I've had a full Brazilian wax and it was worth it. It did hurt, I found that the upper parts hurt more but my pain tolerance is pretty good so it wasn't that bad. Find yourself a salon with good reviews and look up how to prepare yourself for a appointment. Don't be embarrassed because waxers have truly seen it all. You won't be completely hairless for a long time during your first appointment because of different hair growth cycles but it's such a relief to have most of the hair gone.

I can't afford to have frequent appointments so what I do is go in and start shaving/plucking whenever hair starts coming in. The smoothness lasts about two and a half months until I'm completely back to my hairy self again. You're not supposed to remove hair in between appointments but again this is what I do personally because waxing is expensive and you have to go every 3-4 weeks if you want to maintain it.

No. 217839

Please love yourself more

No. 218292

what i’m about to type probably sounds like a thinly veiled fetish post on reddit but it’s not and i really need some thoughts and opinions about this. i posted this on another female only ib but i thought i’d try here too.

i have a 13 year old sister and a 19 year old brother. my sister has been incredibly clingy to my brother and this seems to have increased ever since my brother moved out of home two years ago. when my brother has done a surprise visit to our home my sister often bursts into tears. when he is up visiting or we visit him my sister hangs off his arm the entire time. my brother recently brought up his girlfriend to visit us and my sister got very pissed off. she tried to separate them multiple times, got angry if she saw them talking together by themselves and acted very cold to my brother’s gf, often ignoring her completely and also crying when my brother wouldn’t pay attention to her. we’re now on a family vacation and my sister has been very insistent that she doesn’t want to share a bed with me or our other sister, only my brother, and also kept making comments about how she wishes she could have travelled on vacation just with him, and not with me or the rest of our family.

my brother is very weirded out and i kind of stepped in with the sleeping arrangements to make sure my sister wouldn’t share a bed with him at any point on this vacation because he feels uncomfortable. it’s kind of hard to talk about because neither me or my brother want to put words to what we’re suspecting but is it possible my sister could have a crush on him? i just want to state that my sister is very pure hearted even though she’s 13. she still watches kids movies, doesn’t watch anything over a pg rating and doesn’t have unsupervised access to the internet. she’s a lot more innocent than i was at her age so i really don’t think it’s like a weird thing but it does seem like she has some type of crush on him? unless this is normal? i’ve never experienced this with my siblings and given that i’m the eldest sibling i don’t know what it’s like to be my sister and witness your siblings dating. if anyone has any advice or comments about this this would be greatly appreciated. i don’t want to post about this anywhere else and i’m kind of nervous to google about it for obvious reasons. i’m hoping she grows out of this soon. she seems she really wants my brother’s approval and yesterday she asked my brother if he thought his girlfriend likes her. we told her that she was being a bit rude to her last time she saw her so she should be nicer if she wants his gf to like her lol

No. 218298

I think youur brother needs to be very clear about his boundaries with your little sister, including how she behaves towards his gf. You needing to be the one to step in with the sleeping arrangements is weird, that's his job. Plus you being the one who steps in gives your sister the opportunity to put the blame on you in her mind and refuse to acknowledge that your brother thinks her behaviour is inappropriate/weird too. I think your brother making clear that her behaviour
towards him and his gf is inappriopriate and not okay should help burst her crush/whatever it is-bubble.

No. 218302

This doesn't sound like a crush-crush or incest, your sister probably has just regular non sexual sibling love for your brother although exacerbated.

Are your parents involved in your sister's education? You don't talk about them at all, and yet it should be their role to tell her about respecting boundaries. If they're not very involved or even just distant it's possible your sister loves your brother like she loves a dad, and is then scared that he might not like her anymore because his girlfriend is stealing the affection she should receive instead. Children raised by single parents often fear the same thing when they parents find a new partner

I don't think it's overall a worrying situation. Your brother could have a talk with her to tell her that he still loves her very much even though he has now less occasions to show it, that he's not going to forget about her just because he has a girlfriend, which means she shouldn't try to constantly draw his attention because it's not necessary; however it's not a necessary talk to have, she'll eventually get it by herself as she grows up (13 is a rather rough age on the mental plan)

No. 218620

How do you pick foundation from shops when there isn't a tester available? Is it pure guesswork? I've never worn foundation for more than an hour and certainly have never bought it myself so I'm a little lost in the sauce. Would any inconsistency in colour be easier to hide if I buy a tinted moisturizer instead?

No. 218659

I need to put on 5kg to get a BBL in a month's time. Any advice on how to put weight on quickly?

I naturally have low appetite and get full easily, so "just eat more" isn't too helpful

No. 218662

File: 1640126746889.jpeg (276.55 KB, 606x2322, D64D605F-1B1A-47DF-94A4-CC11A5…)

Have fun

No. 218672

ily nonnie, thank you so much!!! I'm also poor af so this is perfect

No. 218677

File: 1640131181549.jpg (37.69 KB, 604x404, jfhj.jpg)

>to get a BBL
>poor af

No. 218684

Anon must be spending her Christmas on plastic surgery. Just sad.

No. 218693

I'm really struggling to find a Christmas gift for my mom, she is richer than me and has everything already. She has too many candles, enough perfumes, she doesn't really use much makeup, she likes to read but she buys her own books, she also has a tablet.
I'm going crazy! She's in her sixties, enjoys solitude, she's not really religious unlike most mom's in my country. I thought to get her a pen and a notebook but she has a lot. Clothes or shoes are not an option because she's super picky. Jewelry maaaaybe but feels uninspired. Also has subscriptions to Amazon prime, Netflix, etc. She also likes sweets but she can't eat them for health reasons. Help.

No. 218697

File: 1640140799245.jpg (97.13 KB, 1200x1277, 1200px-Mandolin1.jpg)


No. 218698

I like the idea but she's not really into music, which is funny because I'm a musician

No. 218701

maybe buy her something consumable that doesn't have sugar, like tea? or if she likes books something "book-ish" like bookends or bookmarks? a gift card to a movie theatre? something sentimental (like something you drew)?

No. 218707

thank you nonna! That's a really good idea! I'm gonna make her a little reading package with different blends of tea, a cute cup and bookmarks.

No. 218728

Ladies… Is just not getting my period alone a good reason to see a doctor? I get my period like twice a year and don't have any other health issues

No. 218731

Give her something to do instead of something to own. The sauna, a restaurant or cinema giftcard, a ballet performance, a high tea or take her to a cat cafe etc. the options are endless

No. 218743

nayrt but I'm also looking for christmas gift and literally all of those things are impossible/closed due to covid right now in my country. Makes it really difficult because I would usually give something to do like that, but all restaurants, saunas, theaters and stores are closed.

No. 218754

A cozy pair of socks and a special day where you pamper her and make her food?

No. 218758

Oh right lmao, you're 100% right. My country is in lockdown too, I was just stupid enough to forget

No. 218759

Yes, it is a very serious symptom by itself that needs to be checked.

No. 218773

For what condition for example?

No. 218785

i think i have been in your sister's shoes when i was around her age as well.
from birth to middle school i idolized my brother (8 years my senior) and saw him as my role model, i thought he was the coolest person in the world and he was genuinely my favorite person out of all of my family members, so i DID NOT want to share him with anybody else. i REALLY looked up to him.
i remember everytime i would overhear him saying he liked a female celebrity i would go red with rage and open up ms paint and edit them to look dead bloodied and all messed up, or cut out pictures of them from magazines if i could find them and make them look super ugly/moldy/diseased stuff like that LOL.
but on a real note one bad habit of mine was snooping on people's accounts and i remember seeing him get sweet with girls his age and it always made me feel sick to my stomach. when you are that age its really gross ( or to me it was ) but it especially felt bad because i felt like he didnt like me as much anymore; almost a competitive kind of feeling but it wasnt romantic in any way, its just that because we were both girls it meant that we had something in common therefore i had to compete. does that make sense ? my goal in life at the time was to impress him and gain his approval. being in a relationship with him didnt even cross my mind, i just didnt want him to like girls more than he liked me and i got jealous i was all, how can he like them more than me when i have known him for longer? or… how can they think he likes them more than i do when i know more about him… things like that.. now i know that is wrong and impossible.
though, i felt that way too when a guy younger than me addressed him as HIS older brother when they werent related. i wanted to crush him into bits.
sorry i am not the best at articulating my thoughts but i definitely get where your sister is coming from, hopefully she will grow out of it. as for advice, my brother stopped talking to me/giving me attention as much for about 3 years because of this headcase behavior (in other words he put distance). that helped me tremendously to reflect and understand boundaries more. maybe your brother should try that as well. it was hard for me to accept at the beginning but i got used to it, i dont remember him discussing that clearly so i suppose it just sort of happened. if not, then he did in a way that wasnt scarring LOL.
dont make a huge deal out of it and embarrass her and surely it will die down as in, if you make a big deal out of it, it'll mark your sister forever and push her to act even worse potentially making her actually develop something out of guilt.
i dont think this will be of any help to you at all as i am very incoherent but i still wish you the best of luck out there nona, you and your family.

No. 218845

Heeelp!! I bit my lip hard in my sleep I think? Woke up with it a little fat, and a big white blister. Def not a cold sore I don't get those. Anyway I have a dinner to go to in a few hours. Can I pop this sucker or what? Sorry for retard Q.

No. 218922

Too many. There are countless thing that cause hormonal disbalance, many serious. It can be anything from anorexia nervosa to ovarian cancer. The doctors need to evaluate all those options.

No. 218928

nta but I had that too and it turned out to be a thyroid condition, it could also be PCOS, or possibly iron deficiency. I'm sure there's more. you should def get checked

No. 218968

Should I quit my job? I feel so overwhelmed and unhappy, it doesn't pay well and with covid (my country is on lockdown) it's extra awful. I get very depressed during the wintertime and I can't fucking stand going there anymore. I live with my parents so that's no problem. I just want to neet out for a month or two, until fucking lockdown is over (they refuse to give me vacation days or temporary leave because they're busy)

No. 218981

File: 1640274561855.jpeg (25.53 KB, 561x547, D7918CD3-3C8C-44E1-BEE5-E19AFF…)

Ive got a huge crush on a guy at work and I have no idea how I’m supposed to go about things let alone feel. Genuinely pissed that it’s a work crush because I feel like I’m stuck if that makes sense? Do I ask him out or don’t I, I have no clue at all. So far I’m just trying to keep it neutral between us both and take things day by day but god this crush is rotting my brain

No. 218984

Honestly I would, definitely still keep searching for better jobs in the meantime so you don’t shoot yourself in the foot

No. 218986

Real vanilla extract, dab a little on the spot. And let it dry. I have no idea why this works better than otc options (for me) but it has for over a decade.

No. 219002

If there’s someone else at work you’re friendly with, you could invite them both out to lunch? Opportunity to talk with him more, maybe he opens up in a way that makes the crush subside, maybe not

No. 219003

Sorry but I’m not seeing a sex advice thread specifically! Not super graphic
Someone on here mentioned that if you’re having strap-on sex “correctly” then it feels good for both parties, anyone know what she could have meant? It doesn’t seem like she meant buying one of those cushions, but I can’t imagine how a flat base pressing against the pubis can feel remarkable

No. 219004

It means that you have the wrong kind of harness. It should be sitting on where your clit is so you can feel the pressure against it, not on your pubic bone. I think it's more likely to feel pleasurable if you enjoy rubbing up/grinding against something, otherwise if you need to use your hands/vibrators it might not be that great for you. Depends on the person.

No. 219013

I've owned a ridiculous amount of strap ons (harnesses and strapless) and tbh after all my efforts.. I'd still rather wait my turn and get stimulation in other ways afterwards. I know some like the connection of you both getting stimulation at the same time but for others it's just a lackluster way of getting stim. I'd rather mentally enjoy myself in the moment and not fiddle about with trying to feel it on my end.

No. 219194

What camera/selfie apps do you guys recommend nowadays? Got a new phone and I'm looking..

No. 219337

File: 1640451532063.jpg (86.49 KB, 720x496, c9s3YI7jrAcj08C9MjstBXNPzuuevQ…)

How does one arouse another through conversation? I've done it various times before unintentionally but idk how i did it or how to do it when I actually want to which ticks me off. I need to learn how to do it because I can't rely on sex appeal :( I have zero

No. 219606

How do I stop mistrusting/looking down on other cis women? All the cis women and girls in my life have ended up being awful to me for some reason and as a result I cannot stand even talking to them. I have tried befriending some online but I have found every single one of them offputting in some way or another. I just don't like their personalities. All of my friends are cis men or trans people. I really need help with this, I know my disdain for cis women is unhealthy, considering I am one myself, but I cannot help it.

No. 219608

Google "unlearn internalized misogyny"

No. 219613

>All of my friends are men or trans people
>Hates women
Back to Twitter, Ayden

No. 219622

Your ""transmen"" friends are women anon.

No. 219634

Maybe explain why you "look down on them" and "just don't like them". Without anything else to go on, it sounds like standard issue jealousy/competition.

No. 219706

You are very insecure. Love yourself more and stop hanging around other insecure tards.

No. 219707

are your trans friends mostly transwomen (male-born) or transmen (female-born) or either/both? if you're ok with being friends with a transman but not a "cis" woman with the same interests/personality, why is that? i think that's something to unpack in private

No. 219976

i keep coming back to this but forgetting to respond. god i just wish i could learn to trust people and their care but it's been hard. my naivete failed to consider how much this would fracture my future self worth kek. thanks nonnie, what you wrote has been super helpful ♥

No. 220021

i have a intense one sided crush on a guy that works in the same building as me, which doesnt bother me but one thing i noticed is a pattern
whenever i like someone, i cannot even imagine them naked, anything sexual or even kissing
he's attractive, i like everything about him but i cant go up to him and confess my liking to him because of that
im scared that something is wrong with me
///sorry for esl post im just overwhelmed.

No. 220038

This sounds like a very well masked "You are the problem" situation. Consider that and ask if you genuinely want to do the work to undo it.

No. 220042

I don't think anything is wrong with you. It could be that you're anxious with what a romantic relationship entails, namely some kind of sex. If you don't mind me asking, are you a virgin or have had relationships before?

No. 220063

I'm nearly 29 and have never had a romantic relationship

Tried dating apps, could only find people wanting to hook up. I don't enjoy hooking up and it never leads to dates/a relationship

I'm overweight and ugly but I see overweight and ugly people in relationships? My standards aren't that high I'm willing to compromise on appearance and personality. Not sure how I'd be able to develop feelings for someone on my level but…I'm willing to try at least.

No. 220078

Why don't you try going to the gym and losing some weight. You'll feel better in general if you do and you might meet someone there as well. Win win.

No. 220079

Already losing weight. My weight has gone up and down a lot in the past 15 years.

Couldn't get a date when I was skinny either.

No. 220080

Maybe the problem lies in your social skills and not your appearance then?

No. 220081

Ugly face and masculine body. Social skills not the best but I can get by and have friends. Personality wise I'm not funny/interesting/witty/whatever people want in a romantic partner

I'm saving up for surgery. Not sure what to do about my trash personality though. I'm so boring. If I try to be fun and interesting it comes off as so forced and awkward because it's just not me.

No. 220085

What's the point of surgery if your personality will remain uninteresting? Just looking somewhat better is not gonna get you friends or love, best case scenario you'll get a few one night stands or short and unsatisfying relationships. Sorry for sounding a little cruel but it really seems like a waste of money or at the very least wrong priorities; invest what you're saving in self development, get into some hobbies or activities, therapy maybe, only then consider changing the way you look.

No. 220091

Have you read Attached? It opened my eyes into why I tend to abandon people whenever I get close.

Maybe start off small. Just text every few days, or meet every few weeks, but keep it consistent. You don't have to jump into full on friendship meeting every day.

No. 220094

I can get one night stands now very easily. I feel like both my looks and personality are holding me back. Ugly with great personality is not going to get me a boyfriend either

I'm in therapy and read self help books, but like I just don't know how to be fun.

I see women who can make jokes and come out with interesting things to say and are fun to be around. I can't do any of that, I don't know how. I've tried.

No. 220095

do you have any hobbies? I find interesting to talk about stuff like that even if the person is dull.

No. 220096

This is the second time you're mentioning "fun". "Fun" is not a priority when it comes to seeking a long-term partner. You want to show you're someone dependable, someone caring, someone you can grow old with.

No. 220098

What does "fun" even mean to you? Who are some people you've known who embody the trait? What were some other situations where you felt pressured to be "fun" but failed? Were they with family? At school? With previous romantic interests? What's the opposite of "fun" and why is it so horrible for you to embody this trait instead? Why do you feel this is so integral to your romantic life?

No. 220099

Yes I like to draw/paint, I'm a comedy nerd and go to live shows, work on electronics projects etc

I find it hard to talk about these things in a conversation because I find it difficult to put things into words.

I guess because I missed out on teenage and 20's dating I still have this idea of romantic relationships being "fun" and passionate and exciting.

Honestly I don't want to find a life partner, I just want to experience dating and romance. I want to have fun and experience emotional intimacy and know what it's like to love someone and have them love me back. I don't care about long-term outcomes.

I have friends who embody the manic pixie dream girl "fun" trait. Exciting to be around, funny, clever etc.

In social settings with friends, I fail to be bubbly and giggly and brave and loud. I'm just a stick in the mud kind of person.

I feel like men want women who are fun and exciting, or who at least have interesting things to say.

No. 220102

I went through this because I also missed out on teenage fun years and dating.

I ended up taking xanax and going on Tinder dates, and had that exact fun but felt terrible in the morning (even if I didn't sleep with anyone).

I get you're missing out on excitement. I'd recommend joining clubs to do with your hobbies where you can get your excitement from. Do some physical hobby. Most of the time you're too busy trying to perform the sport to focus on how bubbly someone is. Just the adrenaline makes you fun and sociable.

In terms of relationships, a stable relationship is much better than passion. Passion passes and has nothing to do with love.

>I have friends who embody the manic pixie dream girl "fun" trait. Exciting to be around, funny, clever etc.

Find a role model. Could be your friend, or a TV character, or a female celeb that acts like how you want to act. And just copy them. Practice talking about your passions in the mirror until it's natural.

No. 220103

I wouldn't want to be someone's "experience" they just missed out on. It's dehumanizing. That's not how you love someone.

No. 220106


I don't think physical hobbies can make up for missing out on the kind of fun people have when they're young

I just want to have any kind of relationship, unstable or stable as long as it's not abusive

>Find a role model. Could be your friend, or a TV character, or a female celeb that acts like how you want to act. And just copy them. Practice talking about your passions in the mirror until it's natural.

I'll keep trying that. Right now it feels forced and awkward but I'll continue practicing.

The other person would be looking for the same thing too, so it's not like I'd be using them

I have no idea what love even is. I want to experience passion and romance and my feelings being reciprocated

No. 220107

>I have no idea what love even is.
Yeah, I can tell.

No. 220109

>I don't think physical hobbies can make up for missing out on the kind of fun people have when they're young
Well if you're not young you won't be able to have that exact young person experience. You can't replicate it completely but you can do similar things.

>I have no idea what love even is. I want to experience passion and romance and my feelings being reciprocated

You won't get that through no-commitment stuff.

I understand completely. I was/am in your situation. It's especially difficult now because covid doesn't really let you meet new people as freely as before. It feels like I can't have spontaneous fun anymore.

The closest I got to "teenage fun" as an adult was going on a solo trip to Greece and meeting boys on a boat and off Tinder. The novelty and strangers was the key, I suppose. There's no pressure because no one knows you. You can make up a personality without your old one holding you back. Maybe try that once you can travel freely?

No. 220110

>Well if you're not young you won't be able to have that exact young person experience. You can't replicate it completely but you can do similar things.

I'm nearly 29. I guess that's kinda young. What are the similar things I can do? Because physical hobbies/sports are not similar to the experience I want to have.

>You won't get that through no-commitment stuff.

I don't want no commitment stuff. I want commitment but I don't want seriousness or no excitement.

>The closest I got to "teenage fun" as an adult was going on a solo trip to Greece and meeting boys on a boat and off Tinder. The novelty and strangers was the key, I suppose. There's no pressure because no one knows you. You can make up a personality without your old one holding you back. Maybe try that once you can travel freely?

Haven't had luck on tinder so far, can only find people wanting casual sex or threesomes

No. 220111

How do you think dating works… the commitment doesn't kick in 4 seconds after locking eyes in a darkened room lmao. Overall sounds like you just want a magical exciting romance with no effort. Wrt being a miserable bore, if you like comedy shows why don't you just copy their bits?

No. 220112

Well commitment doesn't happen after casual sex for sure! In my early twenties I hooked up with guys hoping it would turn into a relationship, needless to say it didn't work lmao

I'm willing to make an effort to get the magical exciting romance I just don't want to waste time hooking up with people because it leads nowhere.

uhh, I don't think I'd be able to deliver bits authentically, and copying bits from comedy is kind of weird, and anyway the kind of comedy I like doesn't really involve actual jokes I'm into the more absurdist stuff…

There might be a way to become wittier. I'll keep practicing.

No. 220113

I feel like my personality is very similar to yours. I too, enjoy absurdist stuff, art, gaming, tech etc. I'm not very bubbly and I sometimes blend into the background.
I met my current bf through a friend of a friend. He actually liked how awkward I was and how 'chill and down to earth' I seemed. He said it was refreshing talking to someone who didn't try to be upbeat etc.
Honestly, fate is cruel. You can wait and wait for years and not find someone. But they will find you. My only advice is to continue going out with your friends. Thats how I met my bf, simply by going out to bars/nights out with mates. You don't have to force yourself on dating apps or do all this 'go to the gym and meet someone' bullshit. Just keep hanging out and doing your own thing. Trying to actively follow some self help manual or copying others may just put you into a more confusing state, and blocking a potential someone from seeing the real you. Someone will link up to you I promise.

No. 220114


No. 220122

I disagree. Waiting for life to serve you man via bar nights and going out is unrealistic. Sometimes it works, in some rare lucky cases like yours. But for most of us socially inept, boring people it's a lost cause. As trite as it sounds you need to put yourself out there. Be it dating apps/sites, hobbies, events, travelling or whatever.

No. 220131

Anons what's a good trade to get into? I have given up any hope that I will pursue a career that I'm passionate about and now I don't really care anymore, I just want a stable job with stable income.

No. 220148

Paralegal, Pharmacy technician, Cisco certified reseller.

No. 220150

Anon, I know exactly how you feel. I also get really self-conscious about my personality and it sometimes really affects my self-esteem. I see myself as reserved and serious, not very spontaneous or "fun." Whenever I'm with my friends I always compare myself to them and wish I was as cute, nice, spunky, energetic, etc.

You think of yourself as a person who isn't "fun" (just like I do), but what about when you're with your friends? I think it's about perspective. Maybe to a business bro who parties all the time I'd be considered a stick in the mud and not a lot of "fun," but when I'm talking to a guy who I share interests with I can come up with a lot of things to say and it's easy for me to joke around and loosen up. I know it's really easy to focus on your negative traits and define yourself by them, but what about times when you have been sociable and fun? What are you like then? What factors were present that allowed you to act that way? Being "fun" doesn't always mean being the life of the party either. Some guys are going to like bubbly, extroverted girls and you probably aren't going to be their type, but there are also going to be guys who aren't into those types of girls and are going to like your vibe as long as you aren't self-defeating and insecure (easier said than done, I know).

No. 220154

Ty nona!

No. 220274

i have never been in a relationship before and am a virgin, but i have no problem with sexual thoughts, its just that my ''urges'' vanish when i take a liking to someone, my brain refuses to think about them sexually or romantically. i am physically attracted and emotionally attracted to him so theres no problem there either
not anxious about sex either

No. 220276

>i am physically attracted to him
>i cannot even imagine them naked, anything sexual or even kissing
Then how does your attraction manifest, if not in sexual thoughts? I am so confused

No. 220277

i just like him thats it, i find him attractive, sexy etc, but i have no desire to do anything sexual with him
i did before, but not now
i still like him in the same way but the urge and want just vanished and i feel an ick thinking about him sexually now. the sexual attraction just vanished.

i dont even know thats why im here

No. 220281

Hm. You know what that reminds me of? Performance anxiety. Only a mental variant.
Other anon above >>220042 also thought it has something to do with anxiety, I think she's right

No. 220398

i have almost the same problem as you anon. are you able to think about yourself sexually at all, or does this only happen with guys you're attracted to?

No. 220476

Let's say there are two guys
1 of them kinda schlubby, but nice dick and a lot more accessible
1 of them prettier, not an adonis or anything but definitely what you're looking for, just less accessible

Is it more shallow to be with the accessible person just for sex or is it more shallow to want to be with someone you're actually attracted to?

This isn't a conundrum I'm currently in, I'm just wondering

No. 220485

I think it depends on your priorities. Obviously you shouldn't fuck anyone you're not attracted to. Are you looking for a relationship or just sex?

No. 220492

The answer is who the fuck cares what's "shallow". You're allowed to be "shallow", picky, stick to standards etc. In fact, women should do it way, WAY more. Absolutely do not fuck a man you don't find attractive."Nice dick" doesn't mean shit and isn't a special trait that's rare and interesting.

No. 220494

Go for what your attracted to if this is what you're choosing between. The pay off is always better when you're not settling.

No. 220530

File: 1640969924101.jpeg (664.4 KB, 828x1102, DDF6FF79-0097-4F62-B9AE-FEC6CC…)

I have a WIBTA question

For the last ~5 years I’ve spent NYE with my grandparents since nobody else would. I’m really close to my siblings, and my grandparents have always been very grouchy so I didn’t have the best time, but they felt lonely otherwise and they love me a lot.
My grandpa passed last year, my grandma is now about to get treatment for her cancer, and today she just told me that my biological father and his “new family” are coming to celebrate NYE. I absolutely do not want to start the year with them, especially since I wanted 2022 to be my “healing/getting better/actually living” year (I’m closing my LDR gap after years, getting therapy, and I’ve secured a job in my bf’s country).

I’ve been my grandma’s main caregiver for the past month and I feel guilty whenever I want to go outside, because that means she’s alone (she says everyone else has a job and I don’t, plus I live with her, so it’s my duty). It’s a small dark apartment so I don’t see sunlight for days at a time, and it’s really affecting my already feeble mental state. I just turned 20 and I feel so exhausted constantly, my sleep pattern has gone to absolute shit.

WIBTA if I celebrated the new year with my siblings and my close family instead? It’s just a 5 minute walk away, but I’m scared of ending up being the massive asshole because I’m caring about my well-being for once

No. 220531

Sage for samefagging

Additionally, my grandma’s health has improved since I’ve been taking care of her, but at the expense of what seems like me as a person. All I do is take care of her and the chores, sleep, play sometimes. I don’t even eat more than one meal a day. Recently before that I was diagnosed with severe depression, and this is the opposite of what my doctor told me to try. So, WIBTA if I just… left? I planned to close my LDR gap in March, but she’s clearly going to have the same needs, and I’m starting to feel resentful for having my life delayed once again since COVID has already done that for over a year.
I’ve lived with her for two years, trying to help but she would barely let me, now I have to “pay off” the debt of having lived there by caregiving until the end.
Nobody else is available, or so they say, and my aunt doesn’t even talk to her. So she’d most likely be alone and I’d look (and feel) like a piece of shit.

Plus I have a mild paranoia of my biological father, who’s a vindictive asshole I regret trusting, getting angry and telling my (scary latina) mother that I’ve been meeting my boyfriend without her permission, even tho I’m an adult and don’t even live with her, which would 100% ruin my relationship with her.

No. 220545

just a 'thought experiment' but i appreciate the input

No. 220579

File: 1640996521051.jpeg (53.3 KB, 674x455, 20660BAE-0F82-4EBB-8B46-1AA7E2…)

Any anons have advice on coming out of your shell and not feeling like the odd man out? New Years is always a hard time for me because even when I’m with a big group of people I feel like the odd person out bc I’m usually the friend of the friend that’s just tagging along. I also don’t have a group of long-term friends that I’m a part of and no matter what I feel like I’m lacking because of it. I want to be better in 2022, I want to be confident and actually feel good about myself. Any advice? Do daily affirmations work bc I think that’s my next best option.

No. 220589

does anyone know where being insecure stems from? especially being insecure in your looks? i wonder what went wrong in my childhood that made me turn out as a very insecure adult, i emphasize looks because for some reason i put a lot of my self worth on my looks, i'm insecure in general but definitely most insecure about my looks maybe because as a kid i was only praised for my intelligence and grades but never for my looks (granted i was an ugly child) but its not a fulfilling explanation, i always wonder how i would end up if i had different parents.

No. 220592

idk anon my parents were the same, lots of praise for my brains rather than my looks, but I feel like that significantly contributed to my high self esteem as an adult (not as a teenager, I was wildly insecure then but grew out of it). Not high self esteem like "I'm so hot", more like "I might not be hot but that's okay because looks aren't everything". It's not like they thought I was ugly, it's just that they never prioritised it over my other traits.

I don't think insecurity as a woman is easy to escape no matter your circumstances, you have to be very thick skinned or very isolated from the constant, intense external pressure to be attractive. Certain industries make a lot of money from our insecurity and men benefit from insecure partners so there's no way they'd just let us be confident in ourselves.

No. 220597

Happy new year nonas and ive noticed that any minor inconvinience i get, i become terribly anxious and start overthinking. Help

No. 220605

Tbfh, just do things you want to do when you want to do them. I spent a whole part of my life denying myself doing or getting certain things because I was anxious about not having people to do them with. Idk if my brain chemistry changed as I got older but now I mostly focus on my thoughts and not on what I think other people are thinking of me. Like I used to get anxiety about going out in public or something but now I think am I even going to remember this random Tuesday five years from now? Prob not

No. 220607

its only the guys i get attracted to, i have an easy time if its just an infatuation or a celeb crush, but my mind goes haywire when i know the person

glad to see im not the only one

No. 220615

I don't want to be a NEET anymore but it seems so impossible to break out of this. I don't have any friends and I barely talk to anyone.

How can I become more social when I'm terrible at speaking and I don't know what to say? I have nothing to bring to a conversation. I know I have to just "put myself out there", but when you do, people ask questions and I have no answers. I don't do anything or go anywhere. My hobbies will fill about 5 minutes of airtime.

I'm also emotionally and intellectually immature for my age. How can I catch up?

I wish someone would make a 'return to society' guide.

No. 220618

Rather than worrying about your own contributions to a conversation, it’s much easier to practice asking questions and following up. People love talking about themselves, and having interest showed in what they have to say will endear them to you. You don’t need to follow up with any personal anecdotes either, just respond with emotion-based thoughts (i.e. “wow, that’s crazy, what did you do afterwards?”, “no way! I’d have no idea what to do in that situation haha”, etc).

The nice thing about this is that your conversation partner will probably be more willing to forgive some awkwardness on your end once they’re in a good mood from talking about themselves. That’s the best time to practice.

Also, honesty is pretty much always the best policy. When someone asks you what you think about something and you have no idea what to think, just say that. Don’t feel embarrassed about not knowing stuff. It takes a little practice, but once you get used to it, it’ll actually boost your confidence overall. When you feel like you have nothing to hide, you won’t get embarrassed making the occasional social mistake. Just own it and move on. Good luck. It’ll take time, but if you keep coming back to it you’ll reach your goal eventually!

No. 220627

How to deal best with a toxic ass roomie? I might be toxic too, I can't really tell what is reality anymore I feel constantly gaslighted. One time she is extremely sweet and the next moment she gets really rude, screams at me for seemingly no reason. I guess I trigger her or something. We are friends for a very long time but our friendship was always toxic.
I know it would be best to just move out and I will try but its hard to find a new home atm.
I tried talking and I tried to be nice and tried to confront but nothing changes. Now I made the decision that I don't want her in my life anymore. Its hard because as I said sometimes she is extremely sweet.
My question is how to distance myself from her so her behaviour doesn't hurt me so much? And how to be strong enough to resist when she is all lovey dovey to me? (She gets extremely angry when I tell her no when she offers me something nice)

No. 220642

I was a hikikomori for two years, after which I was slowly able to return to society. First I focused on going outside with regularity, just once a day. Then I enrolled in my local university, took some courses online to reacquaint myself with school, and eventually transitioned to in-person classes. Now I have student employment at a call center— a job I never imagined I could do, much less enjoy. Because the interactions are highly structured, I don't mind talking to strangers all day, and my coworkers are easy enough to get along with. I have hope for the future and I've left NEETdom completely behind.

What helped me the most was reconciling with the sometimes unfortunate fact that I will never be how society expects me to be. I'll never be a cute, hot, sociable normie who goes to parties and has tons of friends. Honestly, I don't like to socialise and I prefer to go straight home after work/school. I basically only need one companion at a time to meet my social needs, and I feel most comfortable dressed weird with no makeup and messy hair. Just because my satisfaction is abnormal doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. I'm a creep I'm a weirdo, yeah, but whatever, get it?

>>220618 has given you the best conversational advice, so I won't rehash. Attention is the greatest gift you can give someone. All I'd add is that while it's good to give everybody a chance, especially while you still feel a need to "practice" socialising, don't waste your time and energy on people who make you feel bad just because they're willing to talk to you. Not worth it.

No. 220697

Thank you so much for the replies. I'm going to try my best to get out of this.

No. 220726

I think I have a herniated disk. My lower back and the back of my legs hurt like hell. So do all of my joints.

No. 220942

How do you develop interest in something new? Or get a hobby? And how do you retain interest?
I would say my hobby is video games, but even then I just play the same fps over and over again. I enjoyed film for a while but I can't seem to find movies I like anymore, I lose interest after the first 30 minutes.
I don't have my own personality really, I got into an abusive relationship at 15 and left about 3 years ago. I copied everything he did, from games to music. I have a new bf now but I feel like such a boring partner, he has these interesting hobbies such as car engineering, hacking, gaming (complicated strategy games) and so on. But I just browse gossip and watch the same videos and play the same game all the time. I know I have a lot of unresolved mental problems, and I'm trying my best to take care of myself physically, but I really do lack the whole 'interests and hobbies' part in my life. I also don't have any friends so I can't really ask anyone to help.

No. 220944

Samefag but I should add, part of my problem is that I get incredibly overwhelmed the moment something takes effort??? For example, I tried getting a book out from the library recently and it was by a famous author, but I couldn't get past a few pages as I just stopped paying attention and didn't want to continue reading. Any time I try something new I simply can't keep myself focused. Which is super odd as I can become so fixated on certain dumb bullshit, but not on something new and different.

No. 220946

You just have to force yourself and get through it. Set a timer or a limit of some sort and do it. There's no magic pill.

No. 220947

Yeah you are right, thank you.

No. 220948

Does your grandma have living children? Then it's not your job to take care of her. Move out when you get the chance to.

No. 220972

No shade, you sound autistic or like you have ADHD. At the very least you have low self esteem. It's very concerning that you struggle with anything new or anything that requires effort. That's not something you can just force your way through when you don't understand the underlying cause. Did you ever get any therapy after your abusive relationship? Your home life probably wasn't great either if you ended up in such a bad way as a teenager. I think this goes deeper than just "being boring" and more like you have some serious trauma to work through.

If you didn't want therapy, I would suggest self help books, but reading is an issue. Honestly you might have a lot of difficulties even just searching for a therapist to help you. I'd advise you to ask your boyfriend for support and maybe do it together so you have someone to lean on when you feel overwhelmed.

No. 220975

Thank you friend, I appreciate your input a lot.

No. 220977

I should respond to the questions you asked.
I had problems focusing from a young age, I was very academic in certain fields, gaining a scholarship into uni even, but in other fields, I simply can't retain any focus. I do believe I have very low self esteem, I've struggled with alcohol addiction and such. I didn't get therapy after my relationship, I tried seeing a psychologist but he just gave me heaps of CBT papers and I couldn't focus on reading them tbh. My home life was good and bad, I'm an only child from a poor immigrant family, my parents struggled a lot growing up and I take everything very personally and I remember crying a lot.
I bought jordan petersons book and my bf started reading it to me and I really enjoyed how objective he was about the mind but we have not read it in so long that I've lost the self help spark so to say.
Thank you for your advice, I will definitely think about these points and see what I can do.

No. 220981

I have ADHD too and I'm in therapy but the cure for not doing things is…doing them. CBT, talk therapy and meds can help give you motivation and energy. They can lessen anxiety around starting tasks. It makes the process slightly easier, but you still need to practice self discipline. When I asked my therapist on how to get better at starting tasks, hobbies etc. she told me to just do it. Immediately, not in 5 minutes or 10 or tomorrow. Set a timer, and don't look at anything else. Go to a different room in the house or the library if you have to. Install web site blockers on your phone and pc. Practice makes perfect and the more you stick to it the easier it will get.

No. 221017

Can relate 100%. I recently realized that if I did not force myself to do stuff, I would just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Even when it comes to hobbies or interests, I have to force myself to do them.

Download a habit tracker app or start a bullet journal and create goals for yourself. They could be even tiny things that require effort. I literally wrote down all the movies I've been planning to watch for years as goals because if I didn't I'd never watch them.

Not sure what this is but I decided to think of it as learned passivity. I grew up with a helicopter parent who didn't have the patience to wait for me to make decisions and do stuff for myself, so she made them for me and did them herself so in my case I think it stems from this. I didn't have the chance to learn self-discipline.

Good news is, this is just a learned behaviour that you have to unlearn by building new habits. You can do it!!

No. 221021

Nayrt but thank you very much for this post. My childhood and adolescence were exactly the same, but for some reason I never connected the dots. No wonder it takes so much effort to get up and do fun things. You've inspired me to push myself harder, anon. Thanks again.

No. 221200

File: 1641292514860.jpeg (35.76 KB, 739x415, D8B2046A-AC54-4C3A-8541-B70E7B…)

Do any motorcycle gang lesbians have tips on how to be a good passenger? My bf just bought a new bike and wants to take me for a ride this weekend and I’m kind of freaking out about it. My uncle was badly injured in a motorbike accident before I was born and my grandma has been an absolute freak about them ever since and told all her grandchildren that motorcycles are terrible and we’re “forbidden” from riding them. I know they’re completely safe and he’s got 10 years riding experience but I’m still really anxious. What can I do to make myself as little of an imposition as possible?

No. 221256

File: 1641312723074.jpg (41.16 KB, 624x416, Tumblr_l_100802235456.jpg)

Nonnies I made a new friend and she's this really cool artist that likes all the same things as me. She seems so sweet and she even brought me soup when I was sick recently. Funny enough when I was eating some and browsing /m/'s bad art thread, I came across a drawing of hers. I know it's hers because I saw it in person about a week prior. It's on her Instagram but she has very few following her and the post itself has very low engagement. The post was made months after the original art was posted, but 2-3 days before we met for the first time. I've been trying to figure out if she self posted here of if she has a terrible friend with a vendetta. I posted a meme about PT on one of my accounts a few days ago and she responded, I asked her if she knew of PT and she said she didn't until now. I don't know what to believe. Is she here?! Did I make a real life friend through circumstance and she seriously is also a farmer? I don't know what to say about it. Her art being posted here just keeps popping in my head. If she is a farmer, we are going to be best friends I can feel it. If not she might think I'm a little crazy and if that's the case I definitely can't let on that I'm here because what if she thinks this place sucks? I'm over here like Harriet the Spy trying to figure out if she's here or not. If you are and you're reading this, stop playing games with me and let's draw pixiteri fan art together please. I've been praying to God for this mess of COVID to clear up and also begged him to deliver me a woman who I could bond with since I live with only men and have for years now. I'm losing my mind. IS FRIEND REAL? IS FRIEND FARM? IS FRIEND HERE? Help, what do..

No. 221263

God this is cute. I hope she is a farmer and it isn't something that would upset her when you tell her. I mean, you have to tell her, right? Best wishes to both nonnies!

No. 221267

Man, how lucky if you found a farmer in the wild. I hope you bring each other many soups and enjoy each other’s based company.

No. 221276

File: 1641318218761.jpeg (36.94 KB, 400x400, BF074A87-2948-49C6-9833-DF853A…)

My bf is gonna try to quit smoking cigarettes. I know nicotine withdrawals can really suck and expect him to be a bit grumpy/irritable initially. Is there anything I can do to help or be supportive?

No. 221277

If she is then she really is heaven sent! Even if she isn't, I'm so glad I made a friend I can relate to. If I find out that she is I will absolutely update you all.

No. 221278

File: 1641318589906.jpg (517.08 KB, 756x744, 1638050185696.jpg)

I don't know how to help you anon, but I feel weirdly invested so please keep us updated if you ever know the truth

No. 221279

I've been seeing this guy for a few months that I'm really into. I'm trying to not get ahead of myself but I do see a potential LTR and future with him.

His family is really dysfunctional. His sister is a drug addict and mother to 2 young girls. I'm an only child and have no kids so I'm not really sure how to proceed, but he essentially is the only parent the girls have known.

I'm not sure what I can do to prepare.. are parenting classes a thing? Books to read? I'm so out of my wheelhouse here as I've never dated anyone seriously with kids. Even though they're not his, he takes on many responsibilities for them.

Thanks nonnies

No. 221280

Just keep his mind off it, don't bring it up. Stop him if he goes for them.

No. 221281

I've posted things in the bad art thread from artists with few followers and little engagement on their posts, it's pretty easy to happen upon that kind of art.

No. 221285

You probably don't wanna hear this but don't, seriously. Taking care of those kids is not your responsibility, don't make it your responsibility. And should it ever come to it, you won't have any legal say about them. If anything bothering with the parenting of the kids may lead to problems within your relationships. If you really want to date that guy you can do so while remaining on the sidelines regarding the kids (that aren't even his!).

No. 221288

Happy for any advice, I appreciate your answer. Even if not full on parenting, I do want to be a positive female role model for them since their mom isn't. Especially the older girl as she's a preteen. I just don't know where to start and it's a bit intimidating

No. 221313

Take it easy nonna, you said yourself that you’ve only been seeing this guy for a few months. I know you really like this guy, but if you spend all this time getting invested in his nieces only for you two to break up and you never seeing them again, that’s going to do a lot more harm than good. I would save any thoughts of being a role model for these girls until you two are married. You can be the cool girlfriend for the time being, but I would be very careful about trying to mother these girls, especially if their bio mom is defensive about her drug use and one of those addicts who swears that her kids are her world. Proceed with caution.

No. 221325

File: 1641330290269.jpeg (386.86 KB, 828x916, 604C48B9-5568-4660-87F4-AC2421…)

I think I’ve hit my self-love phase. I feel good about myself and my looks for the first time in a long time, I just got a big cash boost from my Christmas bonus and vouchers as gifts, and everything seems to be going right for me, but I also have enough sense left to know that there is more room for improvement. What are the best ways I can capitalise on this sudden burst of confidence and new-found small fortune?

No. 221330

>seeing this guy for a few months
I think you are getting ahead of yourself tbh. I've dated someone with kids before and even then… you break up and you're gone just like that. Trying to play any significant role that early on in those circumstances too just.. it often backfires when you're taken away again. That needs consideration.

I don't know if he's putting any pressure on you or if it's just you but I'd slow down. Harsh as this is, you're not anything to these kids and at this stage it's too up in the air to get invested and risk being another person who leaves them.

No. 221385

Can do grip exercises, have a good grip between your fingers if you're holding around his waist, or do some stretches if you're holding the bars behind you so your wrists don't ache

No. 221393

Create a to-do-list daily is the only suggestion that I have tbh it is what I do and is how I force myself to do things that once I begin, I love

No. 221399

Does anyone have tips for healthy ways to lose weight quickly (at least by this summer/fall) for someone who doesn't have enough free time to hit the gym? I'm adjusting my diet and plan on taking walks when I'm not overworked

No. 221401

I’m not an expert but I did lose 10 pounds in 3 months basically by accident. Ana-chans don’t look. I was broke so I was only eating twice a day (11am and some time in the evening) but this only worked because I was working evenings and could sleep through my whole morning. If you’re working full time would not recommend I also had no money for snacks and went from eating a bag of chips or candy bar or buying a sugary coffee every day to only eating at meal times. My go-to hunger buster was baked beans on toast, it kept me full until dinner and is a good balance of protein and carbs.
In terms of exercise, consistency is key. A little bit often does way more than a lot at one time. Try and get one in every day, doesn’t matter if it’s a quick lap around the block or an hour-long mountain hike, something is better than nothing. Good luck nonna!

No. 221405

Didn't see a sex thread, so I'm asking here: tips/tricks to achieve maximal pleasure/orgasm as a heterosexual woman? Anything is welcome, I want to hear your thoughts, although I obviously won't want to involve any other people and I don't feel comfortable with toys. But if you have any tips or videos or websites about how to give oral sex to a woman or make her orgasm or just ANYTHING that you think is true and works, please share. I want to teach my boyfriend well lol

No. 221430

There is a sex advice thread. You can use the search option or ctrl+f in catalog to find specific threads

No. 221432

Whenever I want to lose weight quickly I skip breakfast and eat only soup for days. Probably not healthy though

No. 221436

It exceeded 1200 posts and I don't have the confidence to start a new thread yet, sorry. But I might since I suppose the ones on /g/ have less rules than on the gossip boards

No. 221440

I don't know why your spoilered would be considered triggering, this is what a lot of fit people do they just dress it up with the hipster term of "intermittent fasting." I'm just not hungry in the morning so I never eat breakfast and have a modest lunch with a big dinner. Your comment about eating healthier/cutting out shitty snacks if you have no self control (no judgement, I can't have certain foods around either) is good, otherwise anon should eat at whatever times help keep her full and feel natural. It doesn't really matter how you break food up throughout the day so long as you don't feel like you're starving yourself.

If you want to do this safely and effectively then find a website to calculate your TDEE, subtract 500 calories from that amount, then use an app to track your daily calories. Ex if your TDEE is 1800 then eat 1300 calories a day instead. Doing this you'll lose 2 lbs a week and that is the fastest amount you can lose at a time in a healthy way. If you feel super hungry at that amount then do a deficit of 300 instead, you'll lose ~1 lb a week and feel less desperate for food. You can include exercise or not, you will lose weight this way with or without it although obviously you'll look better if you attempt some sort of strength training at the same time.

No. 221441

>Doing this you'll lose 2 lbs a week
1lb you mean. 500 cal deficit x 7 days = 3500 which is approx 1lb

No. 221460

Bad advice: do amphetamines for a few days, you'll be unable to eat then afterwards will have a loss of appetite.
Good advice: buy some basic weights, when you watch your shows or anime or youtube vids lift to it, do 10 minutes straight

No. 221513

One of my friends is really getting on my nerves. She's not a bad person or a bad friend, but whenever the conversation turns to one of her interests (e.g. makeup, skincare, exotic pets), she becomes really bossy and superior, as if I don't know what I'm talking about. She doesn't really listen to what I'm saying when she gets like this and instead grills me on basic questions and tries to find fault with everything I'm saying. It's particularly bad with makeup: because she helped me once with an extreme costume look (I was a mime for Halloween that year), she now seems convinced that I am a hopeless dunce who is always in need of her guidance when it concerns makeup, and now skincate too. Is there a way to politely inform her she's being a brat? I don't trust myself to be anything but blunt if I confront her about this right now, which is probably not the right approach for someone like her.

No. 221518

Probably not want to want to hear but when people are blunt to a point of rudeness.. sometimes you just have to get blunt right back with them. I know what it's like to have that politeness mode deep set in you but ime blunt people need to hear what they sound like. If they don't like it or react badly just remind them they sound like that too.

It can go wrong if they're stubborn but imo it's better than a friendship or relationship where you tiptoe. One sided tiptoeing around feelings is a bad sign.

No. 221521

Yeah just be blunt. Don't have to be mean, just honest. I can get a bit autismal about certain topics without realizing it, and I'd prefer if people would call me out because it's hard to realize you're doing it sometimes. From my perspective I'm sharing knowledge and helping someone, from theirs I'm being an annoying know it all.

No. 221557

You're right I fucked up my ratios, appreciate the fix

No. 221745

I didn't had a rl friend since nearly 10 years. Usually I'm pretty happy with my lonely
lifestyle, but from time to time I wish I had someone I could share hobbys and interests with. Like, going for a walk, eating at a cool restaurant, doing a diy, drawing, playing
Animal Crossing… But idk where I can find someone with the same interests.
I'm a quiet and shy person, don't like to party and I don't drink alcohol and most people
I met are all about those things. Sometimes I feel like I will never find a person that
could be my friend, because they sit inside all day and are to shy to met anyone new (like me).

Already tried an app for finding friends nerby, but everyone I matched with couldn't even be bothered to write a reply that's longer than two words or ask me a question (and I really
tried to find a good conversation topic and ask interesting questions). It was all so one
sided I stopped using the app.

Does anyone have a good idea how I can get in contact with people that are introverts and
prefer to sit at home playing AC or drawing or baking instead of going to a party?

No. 221808

Join an arts course, drawing, painting, etc. There are introverted but nice people there and you'll have something in common. Just chit chat with someone and then hang out at a coffee shop nearby after the course is over.

If you live in an apartment you can also befriend your neighbors, if you have a neighbor you're close to you can hang out pretty much anytime unlike other friends where you have to plan meet ups.

No. 221849

Lately I have been thinking about my aversion to female friendships and I really want to change that. I get along with guys better than girls. When I’m around women I get scared and intimidated.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this is because of bullying, I was bullied so badly when I was in school and had only 1 or maybe 2 secure friendship with a girl, when I say secure I don’t mean just close but I mean that I felt comfortable around them and I didn’t feel judged since I was friends with other girls but I couldn’t be myself around them. A lot of girls that I grew up with were basically bullies.

I don’t want to sound like a NLOG but I rarely come across another woman with the same hobbies as me and when I do we don’t click. A lot of friendships that I have with women feel very superficial or basic I don’t know how to describe it but if we’re surrounded by guy friends it feels even more fake. and it doesn’t help that I just don’t know how to talk to women or that I just feel so scared and start seeing red flags. It doesn’t help that I come across a lot of bad women that loved to cause problems.
So idk, how can I get over this dumb fear?

No. 221952

Realize women are not a monolith and start giving people chances? Not trying to be dismissive (especially since I and a lot of women have dealt with internalized misogyny), but as you acknowledged yourself a lot of your issues are stemming from personal preconceptions ruining opportunities before you give women a chance. I'm willing to bet your friendships with men aren't all that "deep" either in that you don't have long heart to hearts with them, they just feel easier and safer to you at the moment. The whole thing about your fear of bullying and backstabbing is alleviated by having boundaries just like you should with men. Know what sort of behaviors you will/won't tolerate and stick to them. Don't want to deal with someone who's flighty? Drop them if they're continually late. Don't want to hang with someone who gossips? Drop them if they start badmouthing people. And so on. Bad people won't have a chance to hurt and manipulate you if you know where you stand and don't allow them continual access into your life. That's the difference between being an adult who gets to choose who she spends time with and a kid who has to repeatedly go to school with the same assholes.
>I rarely come across another woman with the same hobbies as me
I think the idea of having shared interests with friends is overrated. It's more about having compatible personalities. In fact, having different tastes can help introduce you to new things. I have a good amount of "masculine" hobbies too but I'd rather brain myself than have to listen to a scrote sperg about vidya, MMA and motorcycles. When my female friends don't know as much about those things as I do, we either discuss other topics or they'll humor me by listening because they know it's meaningful to me. Just like I do for them. It's not boring even if I'm not personally invested because I genuinely enjoy hearing their perspectives and learning about what excites them.

Most people, men and women alike, will not be the perfect fit as friends. Not because you or they are bad, but because finding people you gel with is hard. Making friends requires continual effort, but imo is infinitely more worth it with women because overall they're more trustworthy, intelligent and understanding than men.

No. 221958

How can I overcome my internet addiction? I can't stand one minute of boredom without meaningless browsing something

No. 221962

how do i start treating men on dating apps like people? even if i find someone whose looks i like i forget im attracted to them the moment i close the app and it feels like im talking to avatars instead of people no matter what they write.

No. 221976

Have you seen The Social Dilemma? They talk mostly about social media rather than the internet as a whole, but maybe their detox methods will help you.
There is also a thread somewhere in /ot/ about getting away from technology or something. Try the catalog.

I think it's important, too, that you uncover and heal from whatever void in your life drives you to escapism via digital means. Maybe you need therapy.

No. 221992

My friend is obsessed about a guy she hooked up with _two years ago_.

She met this guy on tinder and they hooked up two times. I admit he's handsome and I bet he was hooking up with other girls when they were seeing each other. Also, they were drinking heavily on both occasions.
So basically it was just a drunken hookup.

He "left" her with a standard message "I'm going to focus on my mental health blah blah blah"
and my friend was devastated. But for some reason, she never got over it.

She barely knew him and she still mentions him in daily basis. She talks about him in a very childish way like he's actually prince charming. Ie. we walk past to wedding boutique and she comments the dress in window: maybe I'll wear this kind of dress when me and ((the guy)) get married!" and laughs it off.
I'm not even sure if it's a joke at this point.

Sometimes she says actually scary things like "I think I wouldn't leave even if he beats me". Our mutual friend was in a relationship with a abusive junkie and she always said how she understands why our friend didn't leave him immediately.
She romanticizes abusive relationships, even though they were never in a relationship! She has been in a normal relationship but somehow they don't compare to this one-night fairytale.
So she's been building this romantic storyline for two years and I'm not sure if the guy even remembers her.
It's clear that she's not visualizing a normal healthy relationship but epic love story that is out of this world and has no roots in reality.

She has been writing a lengthy text message she's planning to send this weekend. She paid to an astrologist who predicted the perfect timing for her to send this message.

Obviously, the guy is going to shit his pants when he reads the obsessive letter but I'm worried about my friend's well-being.

I know it's a hard lesson she has to learn on her own. I can't talk sense to her.

What would you do if your friend's a lunatic?

Btw we are in our late 20's and she's well adjusted with no mental health problems in general, except this.

No. 222044

File: 1641585157632.png (7.06 KB, 279x181, images.png)

Anons, the situation.
My boyfriend went for the end of the year to his hometown, spent time with high school friends; there's an ex of his from that time who - even though it was forever ago - was actually actively stalking my facebook recently (caught her liking and unliking some older photos); and now I see that few days ago she posted on her fb that "she's been living 90/00 nostalgia recently". Bf denies meeting with her though.
What do you think, suspicious or not?

No. 222045

If she was looking you up then defo fishy

No. 222050

We can't talk about your boyfriend but that girl is definitely obsessed so she probably will try to talk and flirt with him. What matters is whether your boyfriend accepts her instances.

No. 222051

Who are you suspicious of, the girl or your bf? The girl definitely sounds obsessed but stalking online is so easy and accesible, she probably didn't need to meet him to be inspired to do so. From what you've said here I don't see a reason to be suspicious or mistrusting of your bf, if that's what you're asking.

No. 222053

Your friend seriously needs therapy. I was going to recommend setting her up with a guy but hearing her say she wouldn't leave her man even if he beat her makes me think she isn't in any way ready for a relationship.
You could recommend therapy which would be the best for her but hearing that could upset her if she doesn't have the right view about mental health.
Your best bet is to let her message him, likely get rejected and then support her, maybe suggest therapy or other support systems?

No. 222062

Does anyone procrastinate their vacations? I have the money, the time and the location desired for my vacations but I just cant sit and book the flight. I don't know why its so difficult. Its something that I enjoy, I have traveled alone a lot of times and I enjoy it.
I work a lot and I actually need them, but at the same time I don't make any plans

No. 222117

File: 1641609280887.jpg (120.74 KB, 792x1092, __original_drawn_by_hyeonari__…)

How do I cope with my boyfriend being away?
My boyfriend has been away for 2 months because of health issues and is staying with his parents in their hometown and I'm losing my entire mind; I feel alone, depressed, almost suicidal at times. I'm on the verge of just calling him and breaking up with him because he not being near me is just too painful for me. I don't have contact with my family and my friends are too busy/scared because of covid.
>am I a BPDfag?
>am I extremely codependent of him?
>will I ever change?

No. 222122

Sorry to be harsh but ywn be able to appropriately cope with the distance/your loved one's absence if you don't get straight to the heart of the problem. You have to change. For your sake, and his too, you have to end the codependency. Have you considered how he feels, already in poor health and worrying about you on top of everything else? Honestly, it might actually be better to break up, but only if you commit to work on yourself and become a healthier person. I'm sure your bf loves you and wants the best for you, so please consider what you actually need to do to heal.

No. 222124

Anon if I can truly change, how can I do it? Would it be enough to Google it? I do see a therapist but my appointment is at the end of the month.
I know he must feel horrible and I know he loves me very deeply, I just don't know how to deal with this pain.

No. 222131

I believe you can change Anon! Google is a good place to start, if only to look for self help resources. I've heard great things about DBT therapy for BPD because it teaches you sit in the pain, acknowledge the constant hell you are in, and still feel okay. There are DBT workbooks available for free online. You'll see progress if you're consistent.

Also, based on the level of distress you're in, I would suggest more frequent therapy. Weekly, maybe even bi-weekly if you have the means and you have a good rapport with your therapist. Hopefully this person has experience with personality disorders, trauma, etc. With their help, I urge you to confront the most painful experiences in your past.

Most importantly I want to tell you that you're not broken, not permanently. If you are holding onto that mindset because it feels safer to be a victim, or makes you feel more worthy of love, or you fear you have no identity outside of your pain… let it go. You are capable of change. You will heal. If you want it and you work for it, you can be anything you aspire to be.

No. 222142

File: 1641618237384.jpeg (1.48 MB, 3076x4224, 1616949899591.jpeg)

Thank you anon, I've seen books on amazon about that DBT therapy you are mentioning, I will look for the ones free online first tho, I should at least give it a chance.

I would mention more frequent visits with him, hopefully a sooner spot will open if someone cancels. I'm terrified of confronting those painful past experiences tho anon, I'm scared.

Thank you so much for all this anon, you weren't harsh at all, just truthful. Thank you for being so thoughtful and encouraging.

Here I share you a hug.

No. 222227

File: 1641659149146.jpg (15.89 KB, 415x365, Screenshot_12.jpg)

I have vaginismus and after my last unsuccessful gynecological examination, the gyno told me to go and see a sex therapist. The thing is, I have been in (regular) therapy with multiple therapists for multiple years and I don't feel like it would help me with this specific issue. I have been masturbating since I was 6, I come super easily to sexual fantasies, but only had one actual sexual experience with a guy (I have avoidant personality disorder and don't form connections easily). I don't have a problem talking about sexual topics, masturbation or porn. My point is: since from my research, sex therapy seems to be the same as regular therapy in the sense that we'd just talk about things, I don't think it would help at all. On the other hand, I found a pelvic floor training program that claims to help with vaginismus (among other things, also with incontinence, anorgasmia, prolapse, etc) and I really like it. It seems to be a well-thought out program with both educating us about how the pelvic floor works and we'd also do physical exercises. It'd be a small, all-women group and the trainer is also a woman.

Should I take the gyno's advice and see a sex therapist or should I go after my own hunch and do this training instead?
It's unfortunately an either-or situation because both are pretty expensive. The training would make more sense to me since it also has physical exercises and I also noticed that my lower body in general is quite tense but on the other hand the gynecologist is….a gynecologist after all and supposed to know what the patient needs. Opinions?

No. 222228

Also, I'd rather not call the gyno back because I did not really like her and I'd probably find another one. It's NHS so I felt like I was on a conveyor belt, she asked questions in a hurry and just in general, the whole experience was quite bad

No. 222239

She's not in love with the guy, she's infatuated with the idea of him and of what their relationship could be. All you can do is advice her to get theraphy, but the first step to change is awareness, which she seems to lack. Hopefully she will stay committed to this fantasy instead of entering into a relationship. Keep an eye on her if she does it, and report abusive scrotes to the police.

No. 222241

I'd go with your own urges first anon. you know yourself best, and you admitted that the gyno wasn't particularly attentive (and I know exactly what you mean about the NHS conveyor belt feeling). if it doesn't work out, you can always take her advice.

No. 222251

So my disgusting brother is getting married this year and his gf just invited me to her bachelorette's getaway. I hate my brother, he's traumatized me in many ways but I don't have a problem with her. It's just that I barely know her and I really want to keep a distance between my life and my brother's life. Also I don't want to travel with a bunch of people I don't know.
My question is how should I politely reject her invite? The getaway is in 6 months from now and it's going to last 3 days. I mean, I'm sure she invited me out of politeness because we barely talk. Honestly I don't even know if I'll keep living in the same country by then but I don't have concrete plans yet, I just know that I don't wanna go.

No. 222252

Just thank her for the invite but you won't be able to make it and don't offer further explanation, she'll get the hint.

No. 222257

How do I start journaling? I think that writing a diary or something like that would help me clear my mind and focus on important things, but as soon as I start writing down my thoughts I get so embarrassed I can't keep going. I have this constant fear that someone is going to read it one day, even if it's not really possible (I don't live with my parents, so there is basically no one who would do that). I just see the texts that I write from a perspective of someone who found my journal and wants to make fun of me and it utterly blocks me. I had my privacy violated in the past and I guees I just can't get over it in my head.
Any tips, maybe someone had a similar situation? Should I just force myself to write, even If it makes me anxious?

No. 222267

I had my diary stolen and read aloud to my entire group of friends in 7th grade. It had entries about the abuse I was suffering and my crushes. It was traumatic enough for me to stop having a diary until I was 22. Now when I write I will only write in a vague way. I will reveal enough for myself to remember but someone else would not necessarily know what I meant. Diaries or journals are really helpful and they stop me from bitching in person. I hope this helps a bit!

No. 222287

Embrace the bad feeling. Write a note to that imaginary person reading and making fun of you. Tell them exactly how you feel about their opinion and don't mince words. You're never going to heal from the pain of the previous invasion if you avoid it or pretend it never happened.
You have a right to privacy, a right to express your deepest feelings, and a right to be angry and hurt by anyone who violates those boundaries. You don't deserve to feel scared or ashamed, nor should you be forever haunted by your past. Journalling is an amazing coping mechanism, and nobody with a valid opinion would EVER make fun of you for writing out what you feel.

No. 222308

Maybe writing it digitally and deleting the entry shortly after would help?

No. 222310

How do you NOT let unresolved situations get to you without going into cope mode? Basically, the past week I've been an anxious wreck due to an altercation me and a male friend had with each other, in which it seemed like he was getting jealous/insecure about me meeting up with another male friend. Apparently I "misunderstood" (he was "uncomfortable" for a different reason and was trying to give me some "advice" that was very vague) but because I had essentially 'put him in his place' (telling him I'm not his and echoing previous conversations we had) he's been very very distant. I feel like I've been trying to pull him to talk so we can reach some sort of mutual understanding and amicability, but he's barely engaging and isn't even trying to follow through with our plans to call. I can only try so much, and right now I'm at a point where I don't want to think about this anymore but am having a hard time doing so. I'm wracked with a guilt that I don't exactly think was my fault but his reaction leads me to believe that I was too rash/harsh. Maybe I was, but in a situation where someone is giving you vague sayings and is barely responding with little clarity, I think it'd be inevitable. Anyways, this situation has been dragging on for like a week now and I don't want to think about this anymore, but how do I do that?

No. 222347

Do you care about your friendship much with this guy or are you more just trying to find a way to not care about it anymore? If it's the former, then you're going to have a hard time getting over it without an actual proper resolution. If it's the latter, my best advice would be to let things drift apart. Internalize that the guilt you feel is a symptom of his immaturity. It's a result of you not wanting to feel like the 'bad guy'. But guess what - in his mind, you may already be. You can't control what someone else thinks about you, only your own response. Distract yourself. Speak to your other friends, get their input. You're feeling guilty because he's made you the villain and you (subconsciously) somewhat believe him.

My suspicion is that he probably likes you - either that or he REALLY doesn't like this other guy. If he's been fantasizing about you/a relationship with you, his bubble likely just burst. It's possible you got too defensive with him, but sometimes the enforcement of boundaries ends up that way.

If you're still looking to maintain a friendship with this guy, yeah you definitely have to have a real conversation about it. But if he won't let you have even that, there's really nothing you can do. To be honest, he sounds young. His feelings got hurt and now he's giving you the cold shoulder as punishment. If you've made a serious effort to talk with him, the ball is in his court now. You've done everything you can - do yourself the kindness of letting it go.

No. 222399

How do you stay vague but not too vague? I need writing advice.

No. 222666

Kek anon, you'll have to be less vague, what is the writing for?

No. 222859

How do I make online friends? Where do I find them? Are friend finder threads here and on 4chan any good?

No. 222867

The friend finder thread on here has been excellent for me. Just reach out to any of the posters who seem interesting to you. You can also look into hobbyist forums or fandom spaces to meet people with shared interests. I wouldn't recommend meeting anyone off 4chan just because they seem depressingly male and I prefer the feminine degeneracy of my fellow farmers, but I guess if you're desperate you could hang out in /soc/.

No. 222873

Diary and journal.

No. 222883

I've had great success with the friend finder thread, just don't be discouraged if you can't click with someone right away as friendship takes time. Avoid 4chan at all costs unless you want to be bothered by scrotes.

No. 222889

I've never been able to earnestly journal either, but I started "journaling" last year by making a private twitter with no following/followers and just using it to brain-dump in short little quips. I never write any names or details, but it lets me vent throughout the day on rough days and acts a little like a mood tracker for good days too. Maybe something similar could help you get started?

No. 222892

This is so pathetic but can someone share some basic discord etiquette with me? How do you find/make friends? I want to go on friend finder threads, but I'm not sure how. I've never been able to make friends online before because I severely overthink online interactions. I've used discord to do like DND with irl friends but that's it.

No. 222901

Nicknames/codenames. It can be fun to come up with them.

No. 222906

How about writing in code? I know the idea sounds childish but think about it: a simple code is easy to master and other people won't be able to read it (unless they're really going to sit down to figure it out but who's gonna do that?)

No. 222978

>send a friend request to your chosen friend
>when they accept, dm to say hi
>tell them where you found their info
>start a conversation based on what they wrote in their post
>ask questions, show interest, add your personal perspective where appropriate
>after the convo ends, try talking to them again the next day at a similar time

Basically it's just like an IRL interaction, but likely easier than approaching a stranger in person. You'll be fine as long as you put out the energy you want to get back and move on where there isn't any connection. Try not to take it personally if you don't click with someone right away or if they stop responding. If you're really concerned, you can even make a disclaimer about your overthinking/inexperience in online friendships. Anyone worth being friends with wouldn't judge you for that.

No. 222982

File: 1641948579891.jpg (58.56 KB, 1024x576, 9.-Receding-Hairline.jpg)

Thoughts on baldies? BF was balding and I finally got him to shave after months of incentive but it feels so… nothing like I've ever dreamt of(?)

No. 222983

the other anon gave good advice. besides the friend finder thread, usually people have discord servers to be a part of and friendships stem from those. there are sites like disboard where you can filter servers by your interests but beware, there are a lot of shitty ones to wade through. there are a lot of people on there who are welcoming though, and fairly easy to have conversations with.

No. 222991

Intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend make me feel extremely nauseated and sick and distressed and I need it to stop. I don't like how much impact this girl has on me. I sometimes have horrible thoughts where I imagine them together. I also am pretty sure she and him had anal sex. It's the only time they did it and my boyfriend said it was because she was on her period, but it makes me so disgusted. And it disgusts me that he was ever intimate with her and it makes me not want to be intimate with him. It makes me want to stay really far away from him. It makes me feel so sick and I can't handle it. It seriously makes me so sick just seeing her face or imagining it because I imagine him touching or fucking her. I also don't like how it took him a long time to unfollow her. It required her posting something for him to unfollow her because he didn't want her on his page. But she still follows him and visits my account whenever he tags me and I dislike it. I don't want to block her either because I don't even want to go to her account nor for her to visit my account and to see that she's blocked. I don't want her to know I know who she is. I don't even want her in my life. I hate how she's a part of my relationship somehow and I try so hard to not think of or bring her up. But it happens sometimes and I can't help it. I guess the greatest trigger is whenever she is on my social media somehow. I should unfollow her on my fake account definitely. I just get so anxious over her and this. I don't think my boyfriend will do anything, I just can't stand the fact that he did do something. I can't stand it that she sucked his dick, that he ate her out, that he came inside of her, kissed her, did all of those things and now does it to me. I know he loves me and he broke up with her and he never told any girl he loved them and it was a big decision for him to tell me he loves me and I know he's loyal and devoted and that our sex is amazing but I still can't take this. And I hate how I have to convince him to post me on social media sometimes because he knows she will see but doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I'm happy he blocked her on Facebook because she was contacting him there and calling him and it caused a big problem that led me to break up with him. That instance honestly just really made these intrusive thoughts I already had so much worse and made me really anxious and nervous about him and ex-girlfriends. I sobbed uncontrollably the night I found out he had anal sex because I think it is disgusting and I don't like the idea of a penis that was in an asshole being inside of me. I don't deserve that, it makes me feel disgusting, and it disgusts me that he would ever stoop so low. These things really make me so sick and distressed I want to break up with him over it. I really don't know how to deal with this but I want to be able to be stronger than thoughts.

No. 222992

I just checked his Facebook to make sure he had blocked her but she's still on his friendlist. You can't be on someone's friendlist if you're blocked, right..? I know he is over her but he has this weird thing where he doesn't like to hurt girls' feelings and I hate it a lot because prioritising your girlfriend comes with the risk of hurting other girls feelings but that shouldn't matter. I just don't know what to do and feel so much sicker than before. I need to speak to him asap tomorrow… No more work for me today because I feel so extremely sick now it's unbelievable

No. 222993

This is embarrassing (as if the rest of my posts isn't, lol), but I googled it and apparently blocking on Messenger doesn't equal blocking on Facebook.

No. 222995

I’m in the process of a pill abortion. It’s been about 6 hours after putting the second pills in my vagina, but nothing’s happened. I read a bunch of experiences in preparation for this, but I’m not having any of the horrible effects yet. I’m a little crampy, but it’s not even as painful as a period and there’s no blood yet. No vomiting, no diarrhea. Should I worry? Is it possible my pregnancy was ectopic? I was maybe 5 weeks at the most, so maybe it just won’t be that bad for me like everyone else I’ve seen. Idk. Help?

No. 222999

This must be embarassing. To be under control of someone who never even talked to you.
You are sick and chances are that you're putting your bf in an abusive relationship.

No. 223006

what the fuck is wrong with you lol

No. 223007

girl not sure what you want us to say here because you clearly have problems that can't be solved by anonymous strangers online.

>And I hate how I have to convince him to post me on social media sometimes because he knows she will see but doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

This is about the only reasonable thing you've written, like yeah that's not cool. But you have to get over the fact that most people will have multiple romantic and sexual partners throughout their lives.

No. 223008

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Any ausfags online willing to give me some advice on which city to move to? I’m moving from NZ for job opportunities (and because I’m tired of living under a government of twitter socialists). I’ve sent applications to offices in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane but have only heard back from the Brisbane one. It would be a great step up from where I’m living currently, but from my research it looks boring, like a city-sized retirement village. What I’m really looking for is good night life/club scene, good social/cultural opportunities, and rent prices that aren’t going to kill me. Do you think Brisbane has enough of that to make it worth the move, or should I keep looking in Melbourne and Sydney? Fwiw I live in Christchurch so anything is probably better than here kek.

No. 223012

I get how you feel. I don't feel bad about my boyfriend being with another person's sexually before me, but he did some fucked up things I still have trouble getting over.

The thing is, people change, and just because they did one thing with one person doesn't mean they want to do it or will do it with you. I had anal with my ex and I don't like it and no, I don't want to do it with my boyfriend. It doesn't mean I secretly miss it, or all the other tons of "kinky" stuff my ex did with me. I feel like my sex life is way more fulfilling with my boyfriend even though we're more vanilla. It's the same with other aspects. I want to judge him for things he did in the past, but I cannot act as if he's done them to me. It's not fair. He isn't the person he was 4 years ago, and neither am I.

The only somewhat concerning thing is his potential fear of what his ex thinks. But I can't even say for sure because no offense but you sound like you project a lot of thoughts onto your bf. Communicate, try to do so calmly and write down what you want to say beforehand and make sure it isn't rude, but to the point. Allow for him to explain himself and listen.

I hope this helps.

No. 223014

I am a christchurch fag too, I've been living in Aus for more than a decade now. I lived in QLD and I will say if you're really into outdoor stuff like hiking and the beach and good weather, then go to Brisbane. If you can handle some weird weather and are more of a metropolitan person, definitely Melbourne. If you leave the city for just 1 suburb the rent prices are next to nothing, but in Sydney its so fucking hard to find cheap places unless you go 2 hours out basically. Also Sydney is full of smug people and the living prices are insane, whereas Melbourne is full of music and night life 24/7, the weather is similar to christchurch though granted the summers are super warm.
TLDR move to Melbourne.

No. 223015

>People change!
Male fingers typed this post

No. 223016


>And I hate how I have to convince him to post me on social media sometimes because he knows she will see but doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

We don't know him and can't make a right judgment but he doesn't want to post you while his ex is constantly trying to get back with him, follows him and he really doesn't do much to stop her, right?
If I were I'd talk to him about my feelings, just tell him you're uncomfortable she's stalking you and make him block her while you do so as well.
Also why did he even tell you the sexual acts they've done together? If he did without you asking, he's probably trying to make you do it as well which just sounds super weird.

No. 223018

Why? ntayrt but my bf also had a creepy sexual past, that doesn't reflect on us and we've been able to openly discuss it. For the first year I was too scared to ask questions but now I can freely discuss my concerns and we discuss it. I also didn't have a great sexual past, I was a porn addict too, doesn't mean that's who I am now and my bf knows that.

No. 223019

>reddit spacing
>telling the anal you had w your ex to new gf is fine! Even if it makes her uncomfortable because honesty good amiright
>your bf refusing to post pictures of you while keeping in contact of his ex is fine

No. 223020

nta but
>bf has creepy sexual past
>I was too scared to ask about it for a whole damn year
>that doesn't reflect on us
maybe but it does reflect him

No. 223021

So you're saying if I had a weird sexual past, its okay to forgive me, but if my bf had done weird shit, he can't be forgiven.
>t. never had a long term relationship

No. 223024

No, that's not at all what I'm saying.

No. 223025

uhhh how about you actually tell us what your boyfriend did?

No. 223029

Yeah, that's really for the best. Sure, you're definitely projecting A LOT onto this guy, but some of his behavior is pretty unacceptable IMO. You've got to let him know the degree to which this distresses you. The fact that he lied about it earlier is still weighing on you, and until he cuts her out 100% you're not going to be able to fully trust him. Some of that might be on you, but I'd probably feel the same so I don't think it's that unreasonable. I have a feeling though that even if he does everything you want you're still going to feel uncomfortable, and you might need some type of professional help for that to be honest. The sexual past is really something you're either going to have to accept or break up with him for - it's not like he can change what he did lol.

So yeah, you're going to have to have a firm discussion with him and prepare yourself that it might not of the way you want.

No. 223030

Amerifag but lived in Melbourne for two years and I really enjoyed it. I've been to Sydney for a couple days and I agree with the other anon. People in Sydney seemed really snide and it seemed really uppity.

Melbourne was laid back and had a lot of other cool artsy people and meetups pre-covid. I'm not sure how it is now though! (Also Melbourne has some of the best food I've ever had!)

No. 223038

Why are you inserting yourself and giving advice on things you clearly know nothing about then? Yanks fuck off.

No. 223039

Creepy probably means pedo shit. I mean what else could be so bad she'd be scared to learn more and embarassed to say on here?

Just because you're dating a man with a creepy sexual past (that's too much for you to even tell on an anonymous board) and you're fine with the possibly abusive things he's done to other women, doesnt mean everyone is. Either tell us what he did instead of using vague language or just don't give your reddit tier "Oh poor men, abusing women is just a phase and he's all fixed, he won't hurt me!" advice.

No. 223050

What's your issue? I clearly have some stake in as I've travelled and lived in Australia for a fair amount of time.

The other anon was spot on as well lmfao clearly I also know something. Quit being a sperg.

No. 223051

I'm 27 and only now about to be trying for my first 'professional' job. I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to dress 'professionally.' Literally the most nervewracking part of being about to start job-hunting isn't my complete lack of prospects of attaining such a thing due to no degree and no qualifications, I'm used to getting humiliated, but HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK GOOD TO GET A JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE? I'm 100% sure I only ever got my previous two retail sales jobs because I was cute and petite and young, because I had no qualifications and am a bit autistic. And I really want the kind of office job that lets you sit and do next to nothing all day and get paid semi-decently.

I keep online ordering stuff and returning it because it all looks ugly and retarded and brick & mortar shops all still have 'uhhh sorry dressing rooms closed cuz covid' stipulations.

Am I just overthinking it? How bad would it be to apply at some data entry position somewhere in something like an all-black cotton turtleneck dress and tights with boots? Am I just thinking that would be unprofessional because it's something I would wear in normal life, or is it actually a no-go?

No. 223055

Since you're so fixated on this, my bf did some bdsm with his ex because she was a huge e-girl and was into cosplay and I was a porn addicted furry. Happy now miss know it all?

No. 223056

There are some mean bitches on this board who I think are just here as larpers. Pay them no mind.

No. 223058

I usually show myself in very modest clothing when I first start a job, but as time goes on I feel more relaxed around my boss and coworkers and I can begin wearing things that I would wear outside of work. You should dress well at least for the first little while, let them pay more attention to your actuall skillset than worrying about vanity too much.

No. 223060

Does one need friends? I seem to see a lot of people saying its important to destress with people, share with people etc. but I just don't enjoy it. I actually like my privacy and I love spending time on my own, doing my work and hobbies. I feel exhausted spending time with people, even if I know we have common interests. I'm 24 and in a relationship and I am very happy with this, but somehow I feel as though I 'need' to have friends as well? Am I suddenly a bad person if I chose to spend time with myself mostly?

No. 223063

A lot of people do need friends but not everyone. If you're happy with your lifestyle it's all that matters, don't worry about it.

No. 223065

Thanks anon, I keep assuming I'm somehow weird for not making friends all these years. Cheers.

No. 223069

Spending time by yourself hurts no one and therefore will never make you "a bad person." In general any abnormalities you have are not detrimental to your character as long as they're harmless. I don't think you need friends, but I do think you need to unpack why you internalise other's opinions and why you're so hard on yourself.

No. 223070

I wouldn't say I 'internalise other's opinions' at all, if anything I get quite put off on the whole notion of gossiping, and friends in the past liked to do that which I found really exhausting. I had some friends who weren't gossipers and they were nice, but I still preferred my own company. I only care about the opinions of my family, my partner and myself. I am truly happy with who I am as a person and I think I am interesting, I just find myself really drained around other people is all.

No. 223071

i was in a long distance relationship for a few years and we broke up because the distance was way too difficult, and we never got to meet. i'm still kind of in love with him and we've stayed close friends since. one of my friends is in a relationship and im glad for her as she seems really happy in it, but whenever we meet she just wants to talk about how great her relationship is and sneak in complaints about how her boyfriend lives in the city so she has to take a train to meet him every time and they only meet once a week or so. how do i not seethe about this when im talking to her? i wish so badly that i could have had that. she knows about my past relationship too

No. 223073

That's good to hear, my apologies for assuming. In that case I'm confused about this:
>I feel as though I 'need' to have friends
>Am I suddenly a bad person if I chose to spend time with myself mostly?
Where did these insecurities come from? And why would you immediately jump to having a lower opinion of yourself as a "bad person"?

No. 223075

I guess I was being a little theatrical in asking do I 'need' to have friends, because I see posts online promoting having intimate circles of friends so I was wondering if this is something that is demanded to prove yourself as a fully rounded person? I asked am I suddenly a 'bad person' as more of a meme, I see people jumping to conclusions a lot these days so I wondered if I told someone at work that I prefer my own company and don't have any friends if I would suddenly be lumped into some kind of negative category for not being enough of a social creature. I hope this makes sense.

No. 223077

It's not her fault that you're unable to move on; but if she really is your friend then she will understand if you tell her that at the moment you'll need her to not share so much details about her relationship because despite being happy for her, you struggle dealing with your own emotions regarding recent crush that didn't work out.

No. 223079

Crush? Didnt op say this relationship lasted years?

No. 223080

lowkey sounds like she gets off on telling you these things because she knows it will hurt your feelings. most likely a narcissist.

No. 223081

they never even met lmao it wasn't a relationship. op needs to get a clue. long distance relationships were never relationships in the first place if the people didn't meet and solidify the relationship in a permanent real life setting.

No. 223082

Sorry, I meant crush in reference that she's not in relationship anymore but still has feelings for the guy, but yeah it might be not fitting here ESL if it's any excuse

No. 223083

dismissing op's relationship and feelings by saying its not real is only counterproductive.

No. 223084

it wasn't a real relationship though. why are you babying her and feeding into her delusion? i'm not saying she doesn't feel strongly about the guy, i'm saying it wasn't a real relationship.

No. 223085

since when is having a ldr delusional? its more common these days and many people have deep connections and share love even online. sure they didn't personally meet and I agree that op needs better coping methods of moving on, but to say that ldr is not real is naive.

No. 223086

jesus christ are you a teenager? you stop being naive. this place is literally riddled with children, it's like watching a child trying to convince her parents her totally legit internet boyfriend is the real deal. i said
>long distance relationships were never relationships in the first place if the people didn't meet and solidify the relationship in a permanent real life setting.
which is different from "long distance relationships aren't real" as you so elegantly put words in my mouth.
by the way; my partner (soon to be husband) and i started out online and long distance.

No. 223087

im so happy for you, you seem like a really nice person

No. 223088

thanks. i'm a lot nicer than you since i don't feed into peoples delusions under the guise of "help".

No. 223089

sure buddy

No. 223091

Kinda weird to have an outburst over how bad and fake LDRs are if your relationship is one, but you do you nona.

No. 223092

kinda weird to not have reading comprehension

No. 223093

How are you even disagreeing with her? She's right, LDR's aren't real, especially if you don't ever end up meeting.

No. 223094

anon missed the point of op's post, telling her "your relationship wasn't real because you didn't meet in person" isn't going to change the fact that her friend is being a dick to her and rubbing her own relationship in her face, its painfully obvious that she takes pleasure in hurting op's feelings.

No. 223096

It makes more sense for OP to work on getting over the experience entirely since it wasn't of substance anyway, instead of policing her friend's words. Also it doesn't sound like her friend is doing anything on purpose, or being a dick. Her friend is allowed to complain about stuff that bothers her.

No. 223097

So sharing your happiness with a friend is being a dick now? OP never mentioned having a conversation with the friend about having problem with that and it's not natural to assume person you like doesn't want to listen about good things happening to you.

No. 223098

Late response but this >>223014 anon summed it up well. Brisbane is very uneventful unless you're outdoorsy, Melbourne is very cultural and great if you like art/music/shows. Sydney is expensive as fuck and very….business-y?
In saying that there's benefits to all 3. But melbourne is way better imo lol

No. 223101

I'm in the same boat as you, in that I don't really have many friends and I'm pretty fine with it. I moved to a new city a few years ago and haven't really been in a secure enough position to make friends. I did have a couple really close ones back home, that I'd known for years, so meeting new people was something I just didn't have experience with.

And like you, I'm more than happy to just spend days alone, it's an effort to make plans with someone to see them. It's exhausting to go out with them and spend hours talking when you're not used to it.

I think you're just more introverted, and that's ok! Can't remember where I saw it but when people talk about intro/extroversion they often misinterpret it as "wanting to always be alone vs around others" but it's really more how we personally recharge. Introverts charge their energy from being alone and drain it when being social, and extroverts are the reverse.

I think it's worth seeking out friends with similar interests, as when you do find people you really get along with (and share common interests/hobbies) it can be super rewarding. But if you're totally fine going along with the people you currently have in your life there's really nothing wrong with that.

No. 223102

ayrt, thank you for the advice. i do definitely need to figure out a way to move on, i don't resent her for talking about it. it might be the case that she's rubbing it in a bit, but i think she just really is that happy. she can't really read my mind so i might try to be honest with her about how talking about her relationship makes me feel, while figuring out how i can move on.
i'm not very fussed about whether or not what i had was a real relationship or not, it's semantics to me. i had strong feelings for a guy online, different to anything i ever felt for anyone else, and he felt the same towards me.

No. 223103

Thank you for your input anon, much appreciated.

No. 223105

No advice or anything, but I get you on the anal thing, that's just plain nasty.

No. 223118

Ik anons are being very judgmental but I’ll respond with genuine advice as this reminds me of myself when I was in my first relationship. I had no experience while my ex had slept with two other girls prior. My ex also lied to me about contacting his ex who he wanted to be friends with despite me saying it made me uncomfortable.
On one hand, your bf is spineless and dumb. He doesn’t post you on his IG because he cares what his exes think? That’s ridiculous. There is legitimate criticism about him lying to you about blocking them (if they’re friends then they’re def not blocked lol).
However what you need to realize is that his past experiences are things you cannot change. Reflecting on this is a form of self-harm because you subconsciously know it will not change anything but you do it because you believe that you have no worth and use this to support your deeper insecurities. You are never going to change his past. Frankly also a lot of people have gross sexual pasts, especially once you get past a certain age. You said he tried anal but honestly a lot of people, including women obviously, try it. And men get mad at women who deny them it because they gave it to their ex but won’t do it with them. Frankly you’re in a much better position if he doesn’t beg you to do anal because it means it probably sucked for him and he doesn’t enjoy it. That says more than you think.
Lastly I won’t claim your boyfriend is being abused like some dumbass moid anons will, because OP’s bf clearly isn’t controlled if he’s been lying to her about blocking his exes. If this was a legit abuser OP she’d have access to all of his accounts. She wouldn’t be spinning her wheels trying to guess whether or not they’re blocked or dating a dude who refuses to post her online.
The actual dynamic of this is that you are highly sensitive and vulnerable to many deep-rooted insecurities while your bf is not on that same level. Your bf probably enjoys the intensity of the love you provide, esp since you’re inexperienced. Unlike the anons who cannot relate to this, as someone who has been here, I will say retrospectively from my own experience the moid still has all the power over you. Overly obsessive and insecure partners with no control are often exploited as you consider yourself so invested into this relationship and so in love with this person that you see no way out or no other life without this person. This guy, if he isn’t abusive, could eventually turn abusive and would have you still crawling back to him because you are so committed and dedicated to it working out. My ex eventually became very manipulative and outright mean and he could because I was so dependent and would stay anyways.
You are so unhealthy and remind me so much of myself and how much my relationship brought out the worst of my insecurities, esp related to having less experience than my ex. I can tell you with near certainty that this will likely not be your last relationship either. Sorry but a lot of older adults say this for a reason (it’s true!). We don’t marry our first partner lol. You’ll also likely look back later on and realize the sooner you’d ended it the better off you would have been.
I highly encourage that you start therapy to work on your own insecurities as well as the ones in regards to your relationship. Your relationship will end eventually but it’s up to you if you want to break up. Personally I suggest it, not because your bf is kinda dumb but because you need to focus on your own personal growth and get past these insecurities. If you’re anything like me in my first relationship, my toxic relationship was my entire world and I only wanted my bf and no one else. It was when we finally broke up that I was able to focus on fixing myself, including addressing my own codependency and my poor self esteem.

Sorry for syntax errors I typed this on mobile but I hope this helps.

No. 223119

This is great advice, thank you!!

No. 223141

My godson's birthday is coming up and idk what to give him. He's turning 6 and has cerebral palsy. I was thinking about gifting him a sensory toy but a lot of them seem so bland and like non-toys. I already gave him a plushy that makes sounds and a sensory children's book for Christmas. Idk what to do!!

No. 223142

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No. 223281

Thanks for the response - my worry is that I don't have a skillset, and my looks were the only thing that ever got me a job to begin with, and I'll be lucky if anyone gives me a chance. I suppose that's more of a self-esteem thing as I do have at least some legitimate experience and skills, and I need to internalise framing myself that way. I know this in my head, but writing it helps to cement it.

Will get one pricier 'interview outfit' immediately, and then at my leisure get at least three appropriate 'fancier' outfits that are more inexpensive but look good. No need to do it all at once.

No. 223520

I got very drunk on a night out and my friends left me with this guy who ended up having very violent sex with me. I am seriously bruised from head to toe, I was so black out I couldn't figure out what was happening most of the time. He only asked if I was on BC after finishing in me twice. Another thing is, my friends won't leave it alone and keep bringing up that I "got some" and how much of a fun night it was. I asked them if they knew I was drunk and they were like "lol yeah" and I said "so you knew and you still left me with a complete stranger?". Their defence was that they asked me if I wanted to leave with them and I said no, but I thought they meant leaving in general, I didn't know they were gonna leave without me. Was this rape? I wanted sex but didn't want violence, or to be so drunk I couldn't stop it or leave. And wtf can I do about my friends? Definitely not going out with them anymore, but how do I make them see what they did was shitty and dangerous?

No. 223522

It is rape, you didn't consent to this, plain and simple. Your friends are shitty, they should take better care of you especially knowing you're drunk and at the very least make sure you know exactly what you're doing (as in- asking very specific questions, like hey anon, do you really want to stay alone with this guy? because we want to go and if you're sure then we just leave you now but if you're not better go with us). I'm so sorry this happened to you.

No. 223539

I'm sorry you went through this, anon. Regarding your last question, however, I think you shouldn't focus on trying to make your ex friends see their behaviour was wrong, but focus on yourself instead. You have to heal from this trauma. You learned some lessons the hard way, and focusing on changing other people will stop you from changing yourself. Good luck!

No. 223549

Yes you were raped and unfortunately the situation is bad enough that your friends are going to downplay their accountability to protect their egos. They know which is why they're being cavalier about you getting some. Me? I'd be extremely distraught if my actions or lack of picking up a signal led to the violent rape of my friend even if it wasn't intentional or obviously negligent.

You need to look at it objectively and plainly state what happened if it's ever brought up: "I was violently sexually assaulted when I was intoxicated and could not give consent, please stop bringing this up unless your intention is to help me process this trauma."
If that doesn't shut them up or make them feel even a little bad, then they're psychos.

No. 223554

you need to report this to the police & your so called friends should be in jail together with the rapist

No. 223556

Thank you anons. I went to a walk-in clinic near me and ended up getting checked out. I can't stop replaying what happened (or what I can remember) and it's not helping things when they remind me that I "fooled around". Gonna block and avoid them. Thank you again.

No. 223568

Hope everything goes well for you and you never end up with people like them again. If you can, definitely get the mental and medical help you need because you deserve it. You've gone through something a lot of women go through yet still some women can't emphasize with.
I've been told I was a pervert when I got assaulted and I was just 6.

Your friends try to mock and make fun of your trauma because they know they're guilty, they're projecting their guilt onto you so they can feel better about themselves leaving you alone in that state.

No. 223714

I have this friend who I used to hang out with and text frequently, but we kind of stopped talking to each other last year. We ran into each other on campus last November and she seemed excited to see me, but every time we've tried to make plans she's been busy. Plus, I usually have to text first. Should I just give up on trying to re-connect with her at this point?

No. 223739

Are you getting the impression that she's actually "busy"? i.e. her excuses seem legitimate, it's finals season (idk not a burgerfag) you know she has a lot of friends?

I'd probably drop it for now, and if the stars align and she messages you and you're able to hang then go for it, but there's not much point otherwise.

No. 223800

I’m in the first year of uni, and over the first semester I didn’t push myself to go out and meet new friends as much, as it was difficult with covid and I unfortunately didn’t really gel with my flatmates. I had a boyfriend back at home, he was my best friend but we broke up just after new year and it’s really brought me down.
So does anyone have any tips for finding new friends? Im thinking of using the Bumble BFF app because it feels like everyone’s made their friend groups by now. I’d just like some advice ..

No. 223902

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Anons, if a guy sends you a selfie and it turns out they're ugly, how do you respond? How do you reject them? Because I don't want to hurt the guys feelings, especially if they're nice, but I hate trying to be coy and don't want to potentially give them the idea that I'm interested in them. What do you do?

No. 223914

say "wow you look like you belong in a picasso painting"

No. 223915

This is the result of hookups sadly

No. 223947

File: 1642305896522.png (616.11 KB, 630x899, Capture12.PNG)

I bought pic related because I liked the diner-esque design of it (with the collar and wrap front), but I don't really know what shoes to wear with it. Ideas? Any other styling advice welcome. I'm pale with black curly hair that I'm planning on wearing in an updo. And as far as makeup goes, I was thinking maybe something similar to Larme. Thoughts?

No. 223990

I ghost.

No. 224002


No. 224104

It would depend on what sort of occasion you'd be wearing this for, you could really make a few things work with it. A simple black heel would look nice, or if you're after something more casual a thicker black heel, open toe.

No. 224845

File: 1642609450579.jpeg (89.91 KB, 398x378, D0A858F2-C825-4DC4-8106-F093EB…)

My best friend from high school (which was over 10 years ago) came out to me as non-binary a few days ago, I never saw it coming and I don’t know how to process it.

No. 224851

Nonny, its your best friend, you process it by being nice and supportive and not letting internet brainworms ruin your friendship.

No. 224878

i think heels with this dress would be garish. if you don't have a pair already, invest in some nice (real) leather penny loafers.

No. 224883

But anon, it's their friend who has internet brainworms if they decided to come out as an enby. I'd be disappointed too if my best friend drank the genderspecial kool-aid. That being said, it's not a super big deal and doesn't fundamentally change anything about the friendship as long as the friend doesn't make being NB her personality. Good luck anon!

No. 224964


Sorry anon. Just ignore the retardation as much as you can.

I view the genders specials the same way I view my mormon grandma.

If I can love my granny even though she believes god lives on a special planet in space then I can tolerate a friend believing some made up shit too.

(On the condition they don’t constantly spaz about it kek)

No. 224977

My advice for you, anon, is to integrate

No. 225096

I started talking to this guy and a couple days later, we hook up. Date was amazing, we spent like 16h+ together.
The next days we hardly talk and he even stop responding in the middle of the conversation for 3 days, but I saw him active on Instagram. This situations made me nervous because I have been ghosted SO many times.
I asked him if everything was ok and he told me that everything is perfect that this is just how he is but that he does not want to stop talking and seeing me.
I feel weird because if you like someone, you want to see them more often I guess? Or I might be too intense. I'm really heart broken by past experiences and I find difficult dealing with this situation

No. 225102


From my experience of being an oblivious autist getting used and abused,, most men don't usually respect women they hook up with before being officialy exclusive, no matter how much of a ~feminist~ they proclaim themselves to be. They will feel no remorse about lying, gaslighting, and breadcrumbing you into sticking around to give them easy sex on demand with less competition for using your body like an appliance, while they also try to fuck as many other women as possible.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to have sex, but it's not emotionally or even physically safe to have experiences like you're describing with men you don't know well, especially if you're looking for anything more than a cold hearted dick appointment. Men can not even be friends with benefits, they usually just dehumanize you completely after they have sex with no feeling of responsibility. Possibly because they are porn sick, Madonna-whore complex, etc.

No. 225145

Nonny I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I've heard women describe this scenario a hundred times over. Men have zero qualms about using you for brief (in the scheme of things) emotional and sexual fulfillment and then bouncing. This guy likely doesn't bear you any ill will, but if he's not talking to you and making an effort anymore, then yeah, he just wasn't in it for a relationship. If you are the type of person that prefers a deeper connection before intimacy then I would recommend you wait a couple months before having sex to see if a man is consistent and patient until that point. Most will not be upfront about their intentions and say they're "open" to a relationship when in reality they just want casual hook ups and nothing more. Yes, there are exceptions where a husband and wife banged on the first date and got married a year later, but they are just that - exceptions. Only time and respectful behavior can confirm a guy is on the same page as you.

No. 225151

I have tried everything. I had sex with guys where we would have great conversations for months (and I saw no red flags) and they still ghosted me after having sex or they drastically changed the way they treated me.
Its frustrating because there is never any certainty.

No. 225158

>where we would have great conversations for months
Do you mean online? Did he take you out on dates? No offense but it makes it sound like there was nothing serious there.

No. 225203

This happened to me once, I was just bluntly honest and told him he needed to work on his skincare routine.

No. 225289

I'd say I'm not an angry person normally (in any way other than self directed at least), but my roommate really pushes my buttons by being an immature, loud, attention-seeking hypocrite who takes offence at the smallest thing. we don't speak anymore but she won't move out for another two months and the sound of her voice makes my blood boil. I don't want to be constantly leaving my apartment because I'm a homebody but how do I get through these last few months with her without flipping out and cracking her skull open? already posted in /ot/ but figured this thread would be better

No. 225448

No joke: meditation. Look up guided videos on youtube for an easy way to start. It will help you become a calmer, more grounded person in general

No. 225471

How do you even start to love yourself? I have somewhat of an ego but i wouldn't say i built my confidence
The thing is that even if i get complimented it never feels genuine i never feel like it's really directed at me and i think it's out of pity or something because i always thought i was ugly and fantasized about being a prettier girl who everyone liked
I see and hear the way other girls get complinented and it does feel genuine "She's so pretty" "She's so hot" blah blah whatever but what it's said to me feels like a coverup for not sounding insulting
"You have lots of moles, but they're pretty!" "Your eyes are really big AND pretty" "your nose is like too small but it's cute!" and i got compliments on My body and hair but i don't like my body and nobody gives a shit about hair!
It's like i can't see anything good about myself and i'm tired of being ugly or caring about this

No. 225477

Why do you have to be a "prettier girl who everyone likes" to love yourself? Loving yourself doesn't mean being completely assured that you're hot and everyone agreeing you're hot. It means loving yourself even if you're average or imperfect or unattractive, and knowing that you have value regardless of how you look. Thoughts along the line of "I'm not the prettiest girl ever but that's ok, I have other things to offer" are self love. Needing perfectly flattering compliments to maintain self esteem is not self love, even if people tell you what you want to hear your looks will change, you'll age, you can't rely on that validation.

No. 225508

Find passive aggressive ways to get back at her. The more petty, the better! Beware, though, that she could get back at you, too.
Or you could try taking the high ground, of course.

No. 225510

It has to come from within and not from people's compliments or evaluation of you. If it helps, your self-esteem isn't some immutable thing but really just a culmination of your habits. Every time you could have praised yourself, you nitpicked your features. Every time someone insulted you, you took it as a fact about yourself instead of a reflection of their insecurities and poor self-esteem. Every time you made a mistake you cursed yourself instead of comforting yourself like you would to a good friend or a lover. Every time you berate yourself you leave a mark on your subconscious and it becomes a feedback loop, this negative thinking becomes almost automatic and starts to seem like a part of your personality. Every time you make yourself feel bad or unworthy (and yes, it's a CHOICE to feel this way), flip it around. If you can't feel positive about yourself, at least try a neutral statement first ("hey, maybe x feature isn't too bad"). Make it a habit, you have to do this every day, not just a couple days and then give up, and eventually you'll build confidence and love for yourself.

No. 225513

This is really good advice that I wish everyone would hear and internalise. We all have the power to be kinder to ourselves and when you make a daily effort, you'll very quickly see results.

No. 225533

I hate having tits. mine have never been nice and have always been saggy, and they're not even huge ones. it seems like breast lifts look best if you also get an implant, but I really don't want to do that. I'd rather get them removed completely than get implants. I wish I had nice breasts, mine aren't as saggy/flat but I'd compare them to Luna's. it makes me hate seeing women with nice breasts too, which is so dumb. if natural they can't help their breasts being that way any more than I can help mine being this way.

what do I do anons? I really, really hate them. do I try for a lift without implants? therapy? I can't like them no matter how hard I try or how many partners insist they're just fine and that they like them. I know it's a slippery slope but part of me feels like if I got work done on them I would genuinely feel a lot better about myself. I can work out and tone up my body and improve myself in natural ways like that, but very little can be done to change breasts naturally. I hate this!

No. 225534

You could try getting bras that make you feel better, ones with padding, that push up or just look pretty so you can maybe feel better about the appearance of your breasts. Also do remember that most women have breasts that sag to a degree even before having kids, you just don't see those women naked. Every naked picture you see online is posed, touched up, etc.
Try not to get surgery unless it bothers you in a physical way or literally sags down to your tummy or something very extreme.

No. 225546

File: 1642875548355.jpg (83.21 KB, 1080x1350, 1642268965014.jpg)

I've realized that I've been a passive observer in my life for as long as I can remember. This is due to some weird childhood immigration and some traumas regarding that. I've always been living my life for someone instead for me. Not in the sense of a servant or a doormat, but do