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No. 145234
Trouble in paradise? We've got your back.
Old threads:
>>134794>>122983>>108637>>86733>>70439>>44548 No. 145334
>>145318If they have their own separate rooms in where they live I wouldn't think twice about it, seen many cases of opposite gender friends / acquaintances living together in my student years. And same as
>>145330 said, even if they have history it might not be a bad thing depending on their relationship now, I lived with my ex for a year after break up because we were very good friends prior and remained very good friends after, but I'd never want anything intimate with him anymore and there was no issue with any of us seeing other people.
So yeah, imho not a red flag but ofc it's gonna be good if you know more.
No. 145372
>>145300I would save time and run now. He's way too old and too much time has passed for him to still hold those feelings and to still get pleasure from calling her a slut.
I dated a 30-something year old who had nothing positive to say about any of his exes and while describing his ex (who had legitimate mental health issues, CSA trauma) he'd sometimes refer to as a crazy bitch.. I kick myself for not taking that massive hint of what was to come with him.
No. 145965
>>145957Guys will never change for a woman. If he were to stay like that for the rest of his life, would you still want him? Do you really want a man who refuses to see you? If he really wanted to, he would.
You're a kissless virgin because you wasted your years on him. I did that too and only had my first kiss at 21 when I got over him. I regret wasting so much time.
There are so many great men out there but you're dodging all of them because of this idiot.
No. 145992
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>>145957I was in similar situation. Imo you should meet up with the person you are talking to online as soon as possible (maximum 3-6 months, not 3 YEARS). Especially if it's your first relationship. There are some things that you can't predict, like if you'll be really attracted to them, if you'll understand n like their body language, if they are respectful towards others, if they smell nice, etc. He had three years to sort himself out and change for you, but he still hasn't made any progress. Are you willing to wait another three years just to see if he will be able to stand up to his parents?
I met a really wonderful guy irl soon after I stopped talking to that online guy. I'm sure you'll also find the ambitious, driven guy you want. You still have plenty of time. "E-relationship" is honestly a joke compared to what you can experience with an actual person irl.
No. 146053
>>145957This
>>145992 I was also in a similar situation where I never had a relationship at age 19 and I really wanted to date and meet with an online guy. the sad thing about all my relationships (online and irl) is that the guy never/hardly would want to travel to me and I would make all the effort. It's best if you get with a guy who's willing to travel to you.
Also I agree with going to see him 3 months to a year after talking. If you leave it for too long (like my friend did with his ex gf, he never met his online girlfriend of 5 years) he would most likely cheat because he can't control his dick for long enough.
No. 146240
>>146160please update us anon! i think you should definitely give him a chance, he sounds cute/respectful.
hope you didn't reject him harshly the first time.
No. 146320
>>146194>>146228>>146235>>146240>>146274Thanks guys, think I might as well go for it. I didn't expect so many responses. Will update when he comes back into the shop.
I'm 25, he's 22, remains to be seen if he is as mature as he seems because I generally don't like anyone younger than me. I didn't reject him harshly, just said something awkward like 'I'm good, I don't really like dating,' and continued being friendly and more personal as I had been (uncharacteristic of me). He had no problem calling in to make that order after I had already said no so can't imagine he was too put out by my response.
No. 146381
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>>146380Forgot to attach pic and of course, I meant to write bf *
No. 146384
>>146380>all my bad news were affecting him to the point of him feeling sickmy reading of this is that he doesn't want to deal with you when you're sad, because it's too much work for him. he's manipulated you into not talking about it.
>>146381if i was your gf and i hadn't spoken to you in a week, and you say you 'felt like you weren't going to make it', i would be really concerned and just generally say the opposite of what this guy said. this guy does not seem like he cares tbh.
sorry anon this dude is not supportive at all, you're not thinking too much.
No. 146386
>>146380My dude, this is not cool. If he's incapable of being supportive when you're clearly in distress and going through a rough time, then he shouldn't be in a relationship with you at all.
It is not normal or healthy to feel you have to completely avoid difficult subjects with your partner. That's literally one of the major reasons people even HAVE significant others in the first place, to know someone will be there for them through thick and thin (and vice versa).
>>146383It's totally fine to be the type who does better in person, but if that was the case and her partner wasn't an asshat he would say, "Hey babe, I want to be there for you but I'd really prefer to talk face to face. I feel like I can't fully give you my support over text." Not just dismiss/ignore her troubles entirely.
No. 146409
>>146406Genuinely not meaning to sound snarky, but why would you assume you weren’t just “an option” after only one date? In the current dating scene it’s common for people to cast their nets wide and meet a bunch of different prospects to get a feel for them. Once you’ve gone on several dates (if it gets that far) and discuss where you both see things headed then you could expect more, but before that I wouldn’t presume exclusivity at all.
Also 3 texts a day is a lot for some people, hell I can barely muster a few words for my dearest friends when I’m super busy at work, dealing with responsibilities, feeling exhausted. And some people aren’t good with texting at all.
I’m just saying you shouldn’t presume he’s not interested based on his texting habits alone. It’s way too hard to presume much of anything about a person after meeting them once. That being said, I think people make time for those they’re really interested in, so if he wasn’t actively trying to schedule another date after a week+ he’s probably not too serious. (Unless there are big extenuating circumstances.)
No. 146558
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I share an apartment with my boyfriend, and though he loves me and does a lot for me, I don't know if I can stay with him.
1. I'm often repulsed by his humor and he doesn't get my jokes.
2. I often feel that we "speak different languages", or have a totally different worldview.
3. There's been instances where I felt manipulated and/or treated badly, even though the last time something really weird happened was several months ago (like him throwing a fit when I told him that I wanted to use a condom).
4. We have fights several times a day most of the time.
Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to break up, because I've been an asshole too (like being drunk and angry) and he does a lot for me (cooks, drives me places), because I'm over it, but I don't know.
I just don't know how I can do it, since I still care a lot about him.
I mean, I'm pretty much the only one he has and we live together, so actually breaking up will be very hard. I just don't know how to do it without pussying out and getting back together in the process, since I still have love for him, even though I might feel that he's not "the one" (if such a thing even exists).
How the fuck do I make up my mind and either work on our problems or go through with breaking up? I'm constantly obsessively thinking about this and I just have no fucking energy left. Sometimes I wish he'd just say something so unforgivable that I'd have an actual reason to break up.
I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation and has some advice, I'd be very grateful.
No. 146560
>>146558>fighting several times a dayGet out of there anon. In my experience, as soon as you start to actually consider leaving there's no saving the relationship. You wouldn't think about leaving this much if you loved him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. It sounds like you're staying with him out of habit and because he makes your life easy by doing things for you.
Also, getting mad at using a condom? What's the context? That's really weird.
No. 146562
>>146560Totally agree. One of the top signs of a
toxic relationship is when fighting this frequently becomes normalized. That is not normal or okay, anon. Healthy relationships may include disagreements where you both respectfully discuss things with each other, but even those happen rarely when two people are right for each other.
You don't need to look for more reasons to break up. You have plenty of them, and they're very legitimate. Also, if the relationship is so great and worth saving, why are you the only one trying to address these issues? He is just as culpable but seems perfectly fine letting them sit while you struggle with this stress alone. Not worth it.
I've seen a lot of people, especially women, stay in bad relationships due to your reasoning. "But I still love him, and he relies on me/I'm the main person in his life." Not your problem. You will likely be surprised just how easily he moves on when he's forced to. If you really care about him then you need to stop enabling his shitty behavior. You staying in general is telling him, "Yeah, I can do whatever I want and pick fights with anon all the time, and she'll still stick around." That's not good for you nor something you should be "teaching" him.
No. 146663
>>146662I agree.
Anon, he didn't want to bring you home and have sex because he was tired, but did anyway because you wanted to… and now you're upset because he's probably catching up on sleep after not getting any and then working the next day?
I don't understand how "I don't really want to take you home and have sex today because I'm tired" = he got sex and is now fucking off. It's not like he was pushing you to have sex and is now ghosting you.
No. 146696
>>146588from how I look at it, both ways are realistically possible (either he was really tired like he said, or he got his sex and bailed). Now you just need time to see how it plays out.
>I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because i always show love to my SO no matter how tiredI know for me personally though, when I'm really tired I need everyone to fuck off including my SO and leave me alone, it's not uncommon.
No. 146710
>>146707No, he dumped anon because he felt he did something he didn't want to do.
And if there's anything that will doom you quicker in a man's mind, it's them feeling like you forced them to do something for you. Even if they benefited temporarily from that thing (the benefit here being sex, the devaluation of anon was blaming her for his locked out keys).
Anon I know you're hurt but it's good riddance. He didn't care about you at all. You'd only be subjected to these stupid manchild games throughout the relationship.
No. 146721
>>146703Ugh. Men are fucking awful sometimes. I wish they'd talk about their problems.
>>146704Guys often act enthusiastic and do shit then completely change their minds. Have you ever promised to do something or bought something on impulse then regretted it? Men are like that all the time for everything.
No. 146782
>>146703shit fuck that guy, i'm sorry anon, if he didn't want to take you home he should have just stuck to that instead of being a passiveaggressive little bitch
he def wanted sex. you didn't pressure him into anything. so what you were disappointed, you're allowed to be disappointed, it's on him for making judgment against his own sleep deprivation.
yet he totally blamed you for his inconveniences. he has communication and commitment issues and unwillingness to take any responsibility, good riddance!
No. 146784
>>146710>>146721>>146779>>146782I’ve never been so blindsided by a breakup before. Like I wouldn’t have been surprised if this guy told me he loves me at any minute. I’d give anything just to have it go back to the way it was.
I think it was my fault. On the way to his place I got really quiet and he asked me what’s wrong. I told him I was uncomfortable because I could tell he didn’t really want me to come over. He assured me that it was ok but I stayed quiet and uncomfortable until we got to his place. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. Then I started to relax and things were ok again. Then on the drive home he got quiet and that’s when this whole thing started. I wish I hadn’t been weird and anxious and fucking stupid.
The worst part is that I texted him to ask him why he didn’t think it would work out, and he never texted me back. Such a slap in the face
No. 146785
>>146784No no no no. Please don't play that game and let his inability to communicate like an adult trick you into believing this is your fault somehow. Honestly this was such a minuscule and utterly meaningless thing for him to get his panties twisted over, he clearly did not have the brain cells required to be in a relationship anyway. It is no great loss to you at all.
>Bro says doing thing is okay but seems reluctant>Girl says he seems reluctant, tells him it's okay to back out >Bro assures her everything is good then broods when girl actually takes him at his word>Bro breaks up with girl for believing what he told herIn what universe does that remotely make sense? And now he can't even manage to have an honest conversation with you about what his damage is, likely because he has no clue himself. He is the definition of a manchild anon, be glad he fucked off.
No. 146788
>>146786Some people will turn on you at the slightest bit of discomfort or trouble. You make one "mistake" and instead of communicating their problem or giving you an opportunity to make things right they just use it against you and cut you off. It reeks of immaturity. For the record you did nothing wrong, if he really didn't want you to come over he should have stuck to saying no and not have told you it was okay if it really wasn't, especially when you were giving him an out.
I was one of the anons who replied to your OP and told you he was probably genuinely tired so I apologize for the shitty advice. Just a good reminder to always trust your gut I guess and if it says something's off then it probably is.
No. 146860
>>146844Gay? Nah. He's just got obvious issues and blamed anon for ~pressuring~ him into doing something he didn't actually wanna do despite himself agreeing to it. The sex was fine for him sure, but the effort of having to take her back made him twisted because he did not want to do this for her. Then he did something stupid and blamed anon for it. It's like gah, if only he hadn't caved in to that anon's disappointment, clearly she caused him to lock out his keys cause she just couldn't read his mind and go home! Men are this fucked up towards women they don't really care about. Men will treat you this indifferently if they want nothing to do with you and will use ANY reason to get rid of you.
I just had this very thing happen to me. Some scrote recently blamed me for making him "cave" into a relationship when I told him he could either change his relationship status to prove he was serious about me, or that I'd walk away and there would be boundaries with him. Well obviously he wanted my continuing attention, but he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Even though thats what he said to my face and led me on about for a month. So he begrudgingly agreed and I knew it wasn't gonna last. In the meantime he cut off all texting and practically ghosted me. He lasted a week before he texted me to break up. He used me "laughing at him" as the reason because I made him "uncomfortable." Actually I just sent a laugh emoji earlier when he expected me to wait weeks to months for him to make a decision about having a relationship. He used that to extrapolate that I was "laughing at his issues" when all I was doing was laughing at his excuses–which is what they were clearly! See? Now he could say I was a mean bitch to him as the breakup reason instead of being the guy who led me on and said what he didn't mean for his selfish reasons. He had no problem dumping and blocking me. BUT when I told the "just a friend" woman he'd been courting before me about his antics and she blocked him, he frantically called her and begged for her back.
Don't you see? It has nothing to do with a man being gay. It has everything to do with a man not really wanting you. Men do for women they want.
It hurts, but don't internalize it OP. There's nothing you could have done or said differently that would have made this man value you more. If not this issue, he would have used a different incident to dump you. He didn't want you, but needed a better excuse to ditch you so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. I'm sorry this happened to you but at least now you can see it for the bullshit it is.
No. 146920
>>146913Um yes, that is creepy. I don't think it's I'm-going-to-murder-you creepy but it is absolutely an overeager type of creepy that would cause me to not go on a second date with a dude. It's a first date. You guys are basically strangers. It's VERY weird to repost a practical strangers selfie or otherwise act so familiar with someone you just met.
Guys who act like that are basically just putting you on a pedestal because they're desperate for a relationship/sex. They aren't seeing the real you, and it could be literally any girl that they would do this to, because it's not about you, it's about the idea of the relationship/sex.
No. 146930
So, I am having trouble gauging where some boundaries should be in my relationship.
I live with my boyfriend of 2 years, who I do love. He is a pretty secure, nice, supportive, good looking guy. we share many of the same values and interests. Things are mostly good but there is something thats been bothering me. he is REALLY into costhots/instathots and he personally knows many.
Before we started dating he had slept with a few medium success cosplayers/instagram/twitch girls most of them were…really skanky. Definitely some people who could be posted in the extreme Photoshop threads too.
Anyway, we are monogamous and I don't have a problem with him looking at porn at all, but he has this fucking obsession with girls and cosplayers he knows, some of whom follow him on socials. He will do everything he can to see their nudes if they're online somewhere. He had a patron for following female "friends'" nudes (some of the girls knew he followed, some of them didn't.) Many of the girls have boyfriends so I don't think he is specifically trying to cheat or anything like that, especially not during a pandemic. He especially likes it when he finds out a costhot follows him.
I find his specific hyperfixation on real girls who follow him, who he knows and talks to sometimes really disgusting. I don't want to go digging though his shit, because that is a major violation of trust, but I see some of his social scouring in our shared computer history. I am not sure if he has a pay onlyfans that he uses to watch his "friends" but i feel like he might.
TLDR: am I super insecure and in the wrong for wanting him to fucking stop looking at nudes of women he personally knows??? It makes me really angry.
IDK why he can't just get off to normal porn of strangers like everyone else.
No. 146934
>>146930Anon what the fuck. It’s creepy enough to be super into porn stars, but this internet stalking of people he knows personally is beyond creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s even more to it that you don’t know about. Get some real standards, Christ
Is this some Madonna whore shit or is he just a completely degenerate coomer? This is why you don’t act ok with men watching porn, give an inch…
No. 146944
>>146934I agree that it's creepy as fuck. Don't agree that restricting access to reg porn is ok, as I would never stay with a partner who was so controlling of me.
I did search his nsfw account name on OF and found that he made an account with the same profile header and image he uses. I'm thinking of just asking him if he made an account and why to see if he will fess up but it will betray that I have been snooping in our (undeleted) history and I am afraid he is just going to get better at covering his tracks.
Is it worth coming off as a cyberstalker to outright ask in order to open a candid discussion about it?
No. 146945
>>146944You know that you can have standards and that they can include men who don’t watch porn? Of course, that only makes sense if you yourself don’t watch it. But don’t let yourself be memed into thinking that having standards is controlling.
Anyway, just bring it up. I doubt it will help, at best he will act sorry and keep doing that shit in private. He’ll more likely get mad and try to turn it on you. You don’t even need to bring up the snooped stuff, just say that his obsession with real people is some sexual predator type shit (you don’t have to use those words, but damn I just can’t imagine tolerating this at all)
Have the balls to break up with him when it goes south, because things will get worse if you don’t
No. 146947
>>146930I had a similar problem, my bf was good friends with a insta/costhot who is pretty popular online. I saw she was the top searched on his Instagram one day and called him out for it cuz it’s hella creepy.
He responded by deleting all his socials without me asking, so I kinda forgave.
If I were in your shoes I’d be gone with the wind, you ain’t no cuck
No. 146994
>>146993No , hes just a sleazebag . He obviously likes you and cares about you but he wants to have his options open.
I had an ex that did that same shit when I asked what were we, and then some days later this popular/hot guy told me he wanted to bang me so I told my "fwb" that and then I said "i guess i can say yes right?" He changed SO QUICKLY to "no, you're my gf".
No. 147042
>>146945>>146947Yeah. I appreciate the feedback. If anything, it solidified the idea that I am not being a total psycho to not be ok with that.
Update, I actually did confront him (calmly) and my hand was on his shoulder for a few moments and I could feel his heart fucking POUNDING. He immediately said he signed up bc he was 'curious what one girl was posting that he used to know" and apologized and showed me that it was a free sub and took his credit card info off the site. I told him I was not cool with him paying money to see nudes of people he knows or that I know, and that it is weird. He is a not a confrontational guy and he agreed and said that was fair.
I still don't think he understands that it is uncool that he has so much interest in acquaintances's OF and lewds, but that is a deeper problem.
Anyway I'm going to keep an eye out for sketchy shit now, but i suspect if he is up to anything he is going to work extra hard to keep me from seeing it.
No. 147146
>>147121Don't take this the wrong way anon, but you set the wrong tone the second you took over an adult man's responsibility to wake his self out of bed. If he can get out of bed for school or work, then he could do it for you too. The issue at play is that he now takes for granted that you will be the motivator.
The problem now is, now that you see this as a problem, any reasonable criticism or boundary you put up for this behavior will likely end with him thinking you're suddenly a bitch for wanting him to be more responsible for himself.
You can try talking to him, but I doubt this will change. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long but it's not normal.
No. 147183
Looking for some general advice on a complicated situation. I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years, who we'll call Amy. My problem is she refuses to attend any kind of social event with my boyfriend. The reason is that one of her friends, let's call her Bella, used to date my boyfriend. They dated for about 4 months and never became 'official', but I guess the split really upset her, because Amy refuses to be around my boyfriend on her behalf. Afaik he didn't do anything to hurt her, but the split was on his terms. They broke up at the very beginning of the year, and haven't spoken since.
I was sympathetic at first because sure, awkward situations and I didn't want Amy to feel like she was being caught in the middle of something, especially if she felt she needed to support Bella. But we've been together since April now, and I'm not asking her to hang out just the 3 of us, literally just attend some social gatherings like a bbq with loads of other people. My boyfriend has made it clear he won't try to interact with her if she doesn't want him to. But every time I invite her to something, her first response is 'if your boyfriend is there, then no'. Is it unfair of me to expect our friendship to at least mean she'd try to be civil? Do you think with more time, this will pass? I don't want to be made to pick between them because by all means I don't want to lose her, but I guess I'm getting frustrated, I've never dealt with something like this before.
No. 147184
>>147163I’m not saying relationships in general aren’t worthwhile anon, of course they can be very meaningful, but everyone is in a weird place with COVID right now. Life will eventually go back to normal and you’ll have a more typical level of social interaction at that point.
Until then and in general, it’s important to find comfort being on your own. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough life and been on your own for a long while, but when you’re desperate for any type of contact at all, that’s how you get stuck in those crappy relationships and accept less than you deserve from people. My humble advice is that you need to find activities and goals that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment in yourself. When you have a base level of contentment then having other people consistently around is a bonus but not a necessity, so you can pick and choose the good ones.
The fact that you have a good job and got into uni in itself is admirable. You’re already doing awesome. There are a lot of crappy guys out there true, but sometimes you have to go through a lot of trash to find the hidden gem. I just hope you prioritize your own growth over a relationship.
No. 147187
>>147183This is weird and stupid. It’s not even Amy who used to date your boyfriend, but some third party? Is she 12? Come on.
I would have a heart to heart with her and say that boyfriend is a part of your life now and it hurts that she avoids you because of this relationship. He didn’t do anything wrong to her and it doesn’t even sound like he was dismissive of the friend he used to date. I totally agree that she’s prioritizing this non-issue of existing in the same space as a guy over a 10-year friendship, which is insane.
Ultimately though people are going to do what they want, so if she makes this the hill she wants the friendship to die on, so be it. You aren’t the unreasonable one.
No. 147230
>>147223Ugh I'm sorry to hear all this anon, I haaate when people use mental illness as a shield to defend shithead behavior.
I have a mental illness, my boyfriend has a mental illness, several of my friends have fucking mental illnesses… it doesn't mean we go around using other people, lying about our intentions and generally causing pain and suffering to those around us. In fact if anything I try to be extra careful of how I treat others because I know I can't always trust my own perspective. Mental illness may make relationships harder but it's NOT an excuse for bad behavior, especially when you already know about your condition. He should've taken some fucking responsibility for himself like any competent adult would. I'm glad you called him out.
No. 147370
>>147343>>147351I wasn't specifically on Tinder and it seems that guy was looking for a relationship himself. But maybe I should give a try to not sleep with someone right away, that wouldn't hurt.
Though to be fair, my latest "boyfriend" was a guy I hooked up right away and we then decided to give dating a try while being exclusive. He was very nice and honest, but I still broke it off within a month because we didn't really mesh as a couple.
I'm not even against a potential FWB situation but I still need someone who'd show basic respect and not just text me whenever he wants his dick wet or ghost me out of the blue. Maybe I should try dating men in their late 30s.
No. 147425
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Does anyone here have experience with couples therapy?
How long had you been together? What made you try it? Did it help?
No. 147430
>>147370I'm telling you this from experience, and because I want to help you. Any man who respects you would not be FWB or hook up on the first date. Men know that any time they have sex with you, there's a chance of getting you pregnant. A good man would respect the difficult position that puts you in and
never push for it. But most men are shitheads. Because there's almost no risk to
them, they don't care. I'm afraid for you because you described a man you knew for a month as nice and honest, as if that was enough time to truly know, and knowing that men tend to pretend to be decent men to get laid quickly. You're valuable and you deserve a respectful guy. Please be careful.
No. 147438
>>147425I haven't personally anon, but a close friend has and she's still with her boyfriend. I was there through all the chaos and I can see they're genuinely happy now, so yes, it helped. As in all instances of therapy, you genuinely have to desire change for it to work. The therapist isn't magically going to fix everything, and to be blunt they know jack shit about you and your partner at the start, so the process is really about them trying to help you help yourselves. That can't work if one or both of you is just trying to prove the other wrong, hoping the other person will do all the work, doesn't believe they actually need to be there, etc. Some reluctance and discomfort is understandable at first, but overall everyone should be on board and agree there's an issue you both need to put effort in to fix.
They'd been together for several years before they went. The issue was a mix of the boyfriend having trust issues from his prior relationship, anger and too much drinking. Girlfriend had her own trust issues, was a bit too controlling and took everything personally, even in times when there was truly no reason for it. They're much more understanding of each other these days, though that wasn't only thanks to therapy but open communication, doing their own reading/self improvement and a desire to get better.
No. 147477
>>147408Well, I’ve been for 5 years with my bf, one of long distance and we couldn’t be more happy together.
>>147393If you hate texting I’d say it’s not worth it since it’s double the work communication wise. It’s hard and I wouldn’t recomment it unless you’re absolutely sure he’s your soulmate and both parts dedicate yourselves to the other.
No. 147609
>>147598I went through this exact experience anon. The choice is yours, and I would factor in a number of things. How strong is your relationship outside of this experience? Do you generally have good communication? Did the two of you discuss porn usage prior to this happening (did you both decide if it was allowed or not in the relationship)?
I'm fine with my boyfriend viewing porn because I have used it in the past as well, albeit infrequently. So long as we have a healthy sex life and he's keeping his usage private, it was fine. But when I was depressed we also had a lot less sex, and so I felt like he allowed the porn to replace our own intimacy. That being said, he doesn't have a lot of experience around depressed people and it's a hard thing for a lot of partners to understand. He told me that because I was less "present" he himself felt unwanted, so approaching me for sex felt strange. The porn was a quick and easy way to orgasm, but there were no emotions tied to it. It was an impersonal tool, he wasn't joining people's OnlyFans accounts or talking to other women.
Did he handle it the best way? No, I would rather he came to me and expressed himself so we could've addressed the lack of connection he felt, rather than him letting his own feelings further pull us apart. But imo porn is less about actual desire than just a means to an end. If your boyfriend isn't using it now or is using it less and your sex life is back to normal, then I'd tell himyou'd rather he be more open with you during difficult times instead of closing off like that. Depression is a tough thing for a lot of people to grasp and not take personally.
No. 147709
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Have you ever dated an autistic man?
What were your experiences? I might need help.
No. 147710
>>147709I had an aspergers friend develop feelings for me and while we didn't date he seemed to convince himself that we were dating. He had issues around respecting boundaries, especially when it came to touch and oversharing his porn tastes with me. Got to the point where I couldn't keep up the friendship so I moved house and never told him my new address. Heard years later that he still regularly told people he'd been callously dumped by me. Again we weren't dating and I even had a bf at the time.
Met another aspergers male years later and was only friendly with him through a class we took together.. he started to overshare talk of his masturbation habits with me and it was basically a repeat of the first guy but without the stalking this time. I now work in a field full of them and I'm very cautious because it seems enough of them suffer with those same issues.
No. 147714
>>147709growing up with an autistic father has taught me one very important lesson: never get into (any sorts of) relationship with an autistic man.
Men are already shitty enough creatures to begin with and finding one who's good is already hard enough, I genuinely don't see why you would voluntarily get yourself involved with a man who's autistic on top of that, sorry anons who are dating autists. The risk is not worth it.
No. 147715
>>147714Samefag, in addition: I believe you also need to think on the long-term just to be safe. Do you potentionally want biological kids in the future? If so, do you want to risk getting kids with autism? Autism is largely caused by genetics. A coworker of mine has a husband and three children all with aspergers, they make the poor woman's life very very tough.
In short, in my opinion dating an autistic man is never a good idea.
No. 147721
>>147717Yeah, I don't know about your boyfriends specific mental health issues but it does sound like he could be trying more. It's definitely ok to cancel on occassion but at this point it sounds like he's using it as an easy way out. A relationship is give and take after all. Mental illness is hard but he needs to suck it up some days. He might even end up feeling a bit better. Mental health is rarely helped from just staying at home honestly. I bet you would be willing to make plans around how he feels as well. I don't know how often you see each other, that's another factor here, I guess.
Basically I would tell him that you are understanding of his issues but that you feel hurt when he abruptly cancels so often as it feels for you like you're investing more than he is? Just talk about it from your perspective, no blame-language and just reiterate how much you care and he should understand
No. 147751
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It's almost impossible for me to meet anyone I would be open to getting know/getting comfortable around and I finally met someone recently, for the first time since the last date I went on which was dec 2019. I'm pretty sure tho they have lost all interest in me after just 4 dates, which is exactly when I started to really like them. I'm so depressed, I thought I was finally ascending from being a femcel. I don't even know weather we had any long term potential, I'm just so sad that I wont even get a chance to find out or get to know him better because I really started to feel comfortable and enjoy time I spent with him. I don't know what I did wrong because he seemed really interested in me originally and that interest has decreased, tbh I think the main issue is a huge difference in education and IQ (in his favor) and also the fact that he has a significant career in STEM and I don't have shit going on in my life rn because of coronavirus, but then IDK why he bothered to even spend more then 1-2 dates with me, like it was pretty obvious from the get go. The saddest part is I don't think he really understood that I'm shy and thinks Im not particularly attracted him or into him when I am, but I feel I have no avenue to communicate that now without sounding weird. How do I keep from being extremely depressed and crying?
No. 147759
>>147714>>147715been dating an autistic guy for a year now, slight red flags showing but we're at the point where we say I love you
I'm slightly autistic myself, (but it does manifest differently in females) and don't want kids. still an awful idea to continue? I know I won't do better in a while and I have no friends whatsoever where I live. halp
No. 147882
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My boyfriend and I are about to move. We're not poor but we don't have a super high income either. I want to save money and he wants to take out a 1500€ loan on his credit card for the move. I'm generally not into loaning money or paying stuff off, either you can save up for it or you obviously cannot afford it and then you just end up paying more because of interest. How do you guys suggest we talk about this and maybe compromise? I would be fine with him taking out a small loan if we need it last minute but as he just paid off his credit card debt I don't really want him to go down that road again. It seems so unnecessary to me. Any advice?
No. 147976
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>>147425Late, but I tried with a four-year relationship that was on its last leg after my ex broke the engagement. We lived with each other for two months before he went into a deep depression because he didn't want to fuck one woman forever. I was desperate to hold onto him so I convinced him to give it a try.
Imo couples therapy helps to open communication, not fix it. If you feel even a little bit that you aren't right for each other, I'd save your money. At our second session, the therapist made us think of a list of our individual values and wrote it on the chalkboard. They were very different and most clashed with each other. I remember right after we left, I just started crying in the elevator and my ex silently hugged me. We both knew it was dead.
At the time, I blamed the therapist for wedging our differences but honestly it was inevitable.
No. 147991
Need some advice about how to communicate something that annoys me without saying it in a rude way… my boyfriend has a habit of constantly talking about stories from high school or earlier in his life and it's starting to really annoy me (as awful as that sounds). From what I've gathered, he peaked in high school and I can't count the number of times he's told me the same stories about how the senior girls loved him and babied him when he was a freshman, stories about how someone wronged him in high school, stories about things he used to do with his friends in high school… it feels like we could be talking about any subject and somehow he will find a way to relate it back to something that happened in high school. We're talking about a crime that happened in the area? Well, he knew three people in high school who ended up committing a crime and will describe their entire backstories to me. We're talking about kayaking? Oh, well when he was vacationing in Maui with his best friend as a kid, they went kayaking and they did this and they did that. It ends up shutting down the conversation because no matter what we're talking about, it turns into storytime about earlier in his life that I've already heard before, so I sit there silently and no longer want to talk about what the original topic was. I'm aware that he had some hardships as a kid so he is probably latched on to the years of his life that did feel safe and happy, which is why he keeps talking about them.
I'm aware that I sound bitchy because its good that he wants to share his experiences and life with me, but it becomes frustrating when he rarely asks me about MY life growing up. When I am talking about my own life or something bad that happened to me as a kid, he follows up by telling me about how much fun he had doing something similar as a kid. If I tell him about how my parents strongly controlled my food intake growing up and it led to me having problems as an adult, he'll respond by saying that his parents let him eat whatever he wanted growing up and he never had any rules. When this happens, how do I respectfully redirect the conversation without saying something like "I know, you've told me this story before, your growing years were so amazing, I don't want to hear it again." Or how do I bring this annoyance/concern up in a constructive way? I don't want to hurt him.
No. 148142
Q: Is it a yellow flag if a new bf invites you to do a vacation you've wanted for your birthday and then says that you'll have to pay for some of it?
Backstory: Met this older guy off OLD, so far he's been respectful and had paid for my dates and surprises me with thoughtful gifts. Genuinely seems interested in getting to know me and texts and talks every day to me. He seems to want the same relationships goals as I do. However I'm not altogether impressed by his job prospect, I think he's stuck to a job that's comfortable but is hesitant to push himself harder to make more money.
Anyways, he knew that I love the beach because I had talked about it, and proposed a weekend getaway on the coast for my birthday which is coming up. I was really excited, he picked out a few places through his own ambition and ran them by me, however he did tell me I would have to pay for a little bit because it would've been tough on him to budget for everything. And obviously, that's due to the fact that he gets paid the same amount that I do and ergo doesn't make a hell of a lot to cover a full trip alone. He's covering the extra deposit on the place, and I'm assuming he's calculating for taking me out on dates and other things which require money while we're there, plus the gas to travel.
So maybe it's not entirely unreasonable? I don't think I'm being greedy, but I'm just so fearful of men taking financial advantage of me like others have done in the past.
I'm preferring to reframe this in my mind as this: What if I attempted to make this trip alone for myself? Technically I'd be paying more cause I'd have to pay entirely for myself, food, and gas. So it's still possible to have a good time in this man's company for cheaper than I would if I were to take this as a red flag and go myself.
What does lolcow think? Is this reasonable?
No. 148183
>>148142I get where you are coming from. I had an ex who in the beginning was generous with paying for things. Then after a while I noticed a pattern of him planning a date to treat me..then springing me with some of the cost once we are already there. It rubbed me the wrong way that he was the one planning it, calling it treating me and then basically instructing me to get my wallet out for certain parts of the 'treat' It came off as controlling behaviour under the guise of being generous. It all depends on whether you've been asked and informed in advance. If he already booked something and then landed you with part of the bill after already booking.. that's a flag. If he asks you from the start that seems fine.
I don't know what OLD is but if he's an older guy and he's dating a younger out of his league woman then vain as this sounds.. it would be more typical for an older guy to just pay and know that he's being reimbursed by having someone so out of his league entertain him.. maybe you guys are dating seriously though, I dunno.
No. 148188
>>147976Thanks for your reply! I'm sorry about your former relationship, anon.
I will probably look into doing relationship counceling once we have enough money saved up. I've had some thoughts that we don't fit but I'm also very willing to make it work and my bf is as well, so it would be a shame not to at least try it.
No. 148208
>>148164Oh yeah I didn't mean to imply that I thought he was just taking my money for the hell of it. He's been transparent insofar as asking upfront and showing me the invoice.
I should have worded my concern like this anon here
>>148183, my actual concern is what this may snowball into down the line. It was just weird to me for him to offer to take me somewhere as a treat but then say that I'd have to pay for part of it. He's doing it enough in advance, but I just thought older men from OLD(on line dating) might be more financially secure to not need to ask. I was just making sure
that sounded normal but evidently it's common. And like I said, I'm sure he's probably calculating his cost for gas and food while we're there so it's not like he's cheating me in some way. I'm just so, so cautious due to how my last ex was towards me regarding travel–I busted my butt to take us both to Japan through my job but during the trip he was a pennypincher and didn't even appreciate that I was the one who got us to Japan. He treated me like shit but then had the audacity to act like he made a meaningfully contribution to it despite the fact that I did all the heavy financial planning and mental/literal labor for it.
No. 148212
>>148211Have you asked yourself why you think those men are boring?
I put it to you, anon, that the main reason why you think your
abusive ex was better was because he kept you on an emotional roller coaster where the lows were so fucking bad that the momentary hills of happiness seemed better than they actually were by comparison. It's a mind trick and gaslighting. You may be over him, but it sounds like you still crave the 'excitement' of a
toxic relationship that you were conditioned to crave.
What if we told you that having stabilized feelings and a sense of consistency–albeit boring–is actually normal? Sis other people will understand you and treat you better out there.
No. 148237
>>148159Tbh, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but I find "breaks" rarely go well, particularly when you don't have an established timeline or agreement for how you guys are going to go about things to make the relationship better. And especially when he is tasking you with needing to undergo some very serious change - if you have legit anxiety that's something that's going to take months of therapy to genuinely work through, same for him working through his depression. If you are seriously determined to make this work then I think you guys need to very specifically address what the issues are in the relationship and exactly what you're going to be doing to work through it and determine some sort of check in point like a month down the line so you guys aren't in limbo forever. And like
>>148209 said, no contact during the break and keep your expectations low for getting back together.
No. 148239
>>148211Girl stop being goofy. I mean that in the nicest and most empathetic way possible because I've been there, done that. Cut him out of your life and move on, it's the only way. I know it's easier said than done, especially when he feels like he's your life right now and the only person that can make you feel good, but you are worth so much more than a guy who would destroy you like that. I promise you, one day you will look back and think wtf was I doing sacrificing so much of myself for a guy who would treat me like that? Turn to friends, cultivate yourself, your life, your hobbies, make plans to look forward to, get into therapy if you need to. This dude is nothing.
No. 148241
>>148211Man it's like looking in a mirror. I've been here too, seems a common thing. Guess what, you're codependent. Get therapy for that or read some books on it. It's not normal for another person to be the entire crux of your happiness and self worth. I get it, believe me, your self esteem is tied to that idiot's whims which is why you're so fragile right now. That's why you have to work on overcoming the things he told you and find your own sense of peace.
Definitely cut all contact with him. He will only drag you down and distract you from rebuilding your confidence, even as a "friend." Maybe take a break from dating in general. You don't seem to be in the right place for a relationship right now.
No. 148242
>>148211anon are you me?
seriously though, the advice people have given you is excellent. me and my ex broke up over a year ago and i still have problems with this because i ignored it for so long. i mean, i'm over him, but i'm still subconsciously fucked up because of things he did. i'm not trying to scare you though, i just don't want you making the mistakes i did post breakup.
it's good that you're recognizing he was
abusive. now cut him off. he doesn't deserve your friendship or an explanation. and please go to therapy if you aren't already. it doesn't work for everyone but it was so helpful for me. and i only even went in because he made me think i was a bpdfag lol. i still have my doubts but i might've never even recognized that what happened was wrong if it wasn't for therapy. and it might be eye opening for you in similar ways.
stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.
No. 148245
>>148242>stop dating and looking for someone to replace him. they're all gonna be boring because they aren't gonna be him. focus on yourself, focus on female friendships. you got this and i wish you the best.NTA but what if I have the same issue cause I am looking for a female friend and not only I have no idea how/where to look, the few potential friends were boring AF to me cause they were nothing like my past ~soulmate~ bestfriend? It kills me that I lost her and I am so alone. I don't want to meet her clone, just someone else who would get me.
Sage for slight offtopic
No. 148248
>>148247Thank you so much for your kind words.
It's been 3 years since my friend ended our friendship and I am still all alone while she moved on immediately to a new bestfriend that fit her better in that moment. It still hurts bad. I am socially retarded and have no idea how to make friends, even on the internet. I am in therapy but it's not helping yet. I just want an intimate friendship with another weirdo woman again…
No. 148584
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>>148499I can't tell if this advice is terrible or amazing
No. 148844
>>148838Not gonna lie anon you went a bit autistic there, especially with the up and leaving part. You could have whispered something to your boyfriend before leaving.
Some people are loud and some people are bad at including new strangers into a group (that goes for friends too who will start discussing other friends and inside jokes with no regards to people left out).
Next time pick one conversation, the one your bf is into for example, and insert yourself by asking basic questions like “Who’s that? / She did what? / Oh she went to this school?”, most likely they’ll fill you in.
If you want to fix your first impression, go back next time with some sweets or something you baked, it always goes well.
No. 148848
>>148844I appreciate your honesty, I think I said I need to leave, I’ll be 2 minutes and then I walked out. I don’t know if he heard me tho. I feel so fucking embarrassed and before I left I went back in and said goodbye to everyone. It was far far far too much for a first meeting. I don’t want to meet his whole family the first time I’m round at his house. They were like play fighting and calling each other names in jest and it made me uncomfortable because I don’t think you should do that with a guest in. I dunno if I should keep seeing him, I don’t know if I can show my face around him again. It was for hours I was just sitting there and I didn’t want to be super forward because I didn’t know them and I find that rude. Idk anon I’m stressing out, I’ve been messaging him all day and he’s been responding as usual so that’s good I just don’t know what he sees in me.
I’ve had really bad experiences with guys.
No. 148849
>>148846Thanks anon, it was just so uncomfortable. I’m there to see him and spend time with him not his whole family, it was just super cringe worthy.
My bf is super energetic as well so that didn’t help, I’m an extrovert but that was just far too much for me. I hope he doesn’t dump me because I’m scared he’ll just get bored of me or that’ll be the final straw. I’m glad you understand
No. 148875
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This might sound bad but I have a boyfriend who I love a ton and I would never let him go. Lately I found myself having crushes on fictional characters and being attracted to "weirder" hentai pictures I see (like fangs, blood etc). I've never really been a sexual person or someone who's liked these sort of things ever. I recently starting having a crush on a guy in some random discord server I'm in and of course I won't act on it but I get the "butterflies" from it quite a bit. I don't talk to the guy but it's more of the thought of him. I've been with my boyfriend maybe 6 years now and he's my first kiss sex everything. I keep having my mind drift to "what if I was single, could party, could talk and do things with others." I feel incredibly guilty and I'd feel so jealous if my boyfriend felt this way of course. What do I do? I feel the guilt but I feel like I need to ease this feeling somehow.
No. 148877
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on and off bf of 2 years. i am in gut wrenching pain.
we just spent a blissful week together, he held me, kept telling me he loves me, needs me and that i’m cute. i have no idea what’s going on. i’m not fat, i’m about 130lbs. and i was heavier when we first met 2 years ago.
i don’t recognise him
what the fuck do i do. i want to save our relationship. what the hell is this. what the fuck is going on
i’m not going to break up with him. how do i fix this, what on earth does he even mean
No. 148880
>>148878i just really adore him and we have a long mostly good, at times euphoric history together. we broke up for a few months and i couldn’t take it, i tried to kill myself. i can’t live without him. all my friends disapprove and say he’s bad for me, but there’s no one else out there for me. he is my world.
trust me i find it disgusting how he’s talking to me too. but i don’t want to die alone or be without him ever again.
i don’t know what to do, i feel so trapped. i’m so attached. i could never leave.
No. 148905
>>148880He won't change, he now knows just how much pain he puts you through when he threatens to leave… so look what he does, he enjoys making you squirm by threatening you after love bombing the fuck out of you right beforehand…
Every woman on earth is above this man and deserving of better. Don't let him warp your perceptions so badly that we all see him as a clear shitstain and you defend his abuse. He is your abuser.
No. 148910
>>148907Would you say something like that to someone you love?
What advice would you give a friend if their bf said something like that to them?
He is the problem. There is no fix. Sometimes it's better to be alone. This is that time. No one here is going to tell you otherwise.
No. 148912
>>148907>I believe that he genuinely wants to date me and loves meAnon even if that were the case, it doesn't excuse his horrible treatment of you. Loving a person doesn't justify abuse, period. You are in a textbook
abusive relationship. The fact that you don't see this and insist instead that you "need to fix this" is all the proof any of us need.
I don't even think you truly love this guy. You mention that you feel "euphoric" around him, that you almost killed yourself when you were broken up with him. That's not love, that's obsession. That's a sick, unhealthy sort of longing. These feelings are usually likely
triggered by some sort of abandonment trauma that you haven't healed from.
The text you posted here
>>148877is horrific. This is outright sadism and a blatant attempt to control you. I actually dated someone very similar to this for about a year. I did everything in my power to "fix things," to be the girl he wanted me to be. I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs. He ended up raping me, twice. He tried to black mail me by posting a public blog full of nude photos of me.
Your bf will not change. You need to leave him. It's not going to be easy at first, but you will survive. I did, and things are going much better for me now. I'm actually in a healthy relationship with someone who I trust isn't going to leave me.
Please seek therapy, preferably from a therapist who is trauma-informed. I promise there is a reason that you were attracted to this guy in the first place, and therapy allows you a safe place to explore and process those feelings/experiences.
No. 148913
>>148910 > Would you say something like that to someone you love? Another good test is would he be happy if she reversed things and sent him random threats to leave if he isn't up to scratch in various ways.
> Boy you are getting too comfortable lately! > Time for you to tone up > I can just leave you like it's nothing > If I don't chatise you you'll only end up fat and stupid > I'm degrading you for your own goodI'm sure his response would be something… but I still wouldn't risk it because tbh he sounds likely to delve into physical abuse down the line.
No. 148914
>>148907Anon, stop with the mental gymnastics. If you prefer staying with an
abusive piece of shit who doesn't give a single fuck about your feelings, than being alone, just admit that. Don't keep making ridiculous excuses and pretending there's any logic behind your choice to stay with someone who is actively attempting to make you miserable and insecure.
No. 148915
>>148907He wants to "improve" you exclusively on his terms. I'll hedge a bet the reason he's still close with his ex is because he's treated her like shit in a similar fashion to how he's dogging you.
If y'all have been on and off for 2 years, something's seriously wrong at the core of this relationship, and newsflash, it isn't you. He gave you an out at the end of his text because 1. he knows where you are mentally since he put you there and 2. he knows you won't leave. If you've already acknowledged he's being a dick about addressing things, then you already have one foot out of the door, despite telling yourself this relationship is still salvageable.
No. 148916
>>148912 >You are in a textbook abusive relationshipI read the text she posted and then I read that they're together 2 years and I convinced myself that my ex sent that message. Then I realised that they all sound the same. They all say the exact same bullshit! That's how textbook it is.
It is absolutely abuse.
No. 148924
>>148916>>148915>>148914>>148913>>148912>>148910>>148909>>148908thank you so much for your time, anons.
i’m in na very bad place and have been for a long time. i’m very very hurt by this message and i will be for some time. it scares me.
i’m not defending the relationship at this point. i know things aren’t right, but he’s all i have. i’m so scared of reliving the misery of being broken up again, i don’t know how to overcome it.
i will definitely seek therapy, hopefully o can get it on the NHS.
thank you so much for listening and not accusing me of being a troll, because this is 100% a genuine situation and i’m 100% suffering.
i can’t talk to any of my friends about this because they’re already mad i even got back together with him, i can’t ask any more of them.
thank you guys for listening to me, i’m overwhelmed by the response
No. 148927
>>148924Just as I was about to call it a scrote post…
He said you'll never have him secured. Maybe he means it, maybe not. But security is the very main thing that keeps a romantic relationship healthy. You shouldn't be insecure with who you're dating ever. And he's creating that by acually telling you that directly. Believe me when I say he's trying to break your self esteem.
As for him being all you have…you have your friends who seem to go to bat for you, and you have YOURSELF, bitch get some fucking self esteem! No man is worth debasing yourself over. Are you BPD? No offence but the suicide attempt after the breakup indicates that. BTW any decent human would tread VERY carefully if their partner had a history of that and here he is, so cocksure "hurr don't ever feel secure that you have me". Man, fuck him.
You will 100% be better off without him. NHS take fucking ages, for a suicidal ex it took 3 months for an appointment. Maybe try online help services? Like talkspace. As someone who can have obsessive tendencies the best case scenario is you take control of the narrative and just stop talking to him and enjoy all your old pursuits and realise you're a fully fleshed human deserving of respect and all that.
No. 148944
>>148924>but he’s all i haveI don't understand why you keep saying this. You mentioned having friends. Are they not supportive, even if they're upset with you right now? Have they been there for you in the past? I have hard time believing you truly have nobody other than your bf.
I think you'd have a much easier time letting this guy go if you had some kind of support network to fall back on. If your friends aren't enough, then a therapist/therapy group may be your best option.
Also, please understand that as horrible as it feels to be broken up with, it will not feel that way forever. I really cannot stress that enough. I used to be EXACTLY like you. I thought I was going to die when my first
abusive ex and I broke up. I didn't. Six years later when my second
abusive ex and I broke up, it sucked because I wasn't expecting it, but the possibility of dying never even crossed my mind. This type of response is symptomatic of trauma, and they do get easier to manage the more you work on yourself and become mindful of your
triggers.
>>148928This is good advice too. Attachment theory helped me a lot in understanding why I was drawn to certain relationship dynamics.
No. 148984
>>148924Girl, after reading all this here's my piece of mind:
He's actually the insecure one and is projecting that insecurity onto you. Can it be that he's the one who let go and he's not as attractive as he was at the beginning? Not saying you don't find him attractive, but maybe gained a few pounds/started balding?
Moids always use this strategy on women and they somehow get away with it. The harsher and colder they are, the more we stick with them.
Just break up with him. If he suddenly starts begging you to stay with him, keep your stance. Be standoffish and you'll see him crawling at your feet. Men think they're the only ones who can play power games with us. But no matter what, don't give the dipshit another chance or he'll be back at it again.
No. 148988
>>148973Great.
So I'm in my twenties and my parents are still supporting me financially. I don't work, they pay for everything. My male friend is also in his twenties and he is in the opposite situation. His family is poor and he had to support himself since he went to university. He finished all his courses, but haven't graduate yet, because he still has to write his master's thesis. A year ago he decided to work only part-time (even though he didn't have any classes anymore) to focus on writing his thesis. Since then he was making not much money, barely enough to pay his rent, bills and buy minimal amount of food. A year passed and he didn't write anything, is still working part-time and is always broke. His landlord decided to stop renting out the apartment my friend is living in, so he has to move out. He doesn't have enough money to do it, especially since we live in expensive city and prices of rooms are constantly rising. He has to move out before september starts, so he's getting desperate. He asked me to lend him some money and I don't want to do it. In the past I gave him money many times and he never gave it back, which was understandable for me, since he's always struggling financially. I was expecting him to get a full time job at some point and I believed someday in the future, when he will be in better situation, he will pay me back. The thing is I'm starting to think that day will never come. He's depressed and not willing to take my advice about working, because I don't have to work. He's always telling me that I don't know how hard it is and I never would make it if I was in his situation. I feel extremely shitty about the whole thing. On the one hand, lending money makes me feel resentful and kinda bad, because this is money my parents give for ME to live and not to give out to other people. I really don't want to give it to him. But on the other hand, I also feel shitty, because he needs help and I could help him, if only I would give up on some things that are not necessities, so it makes me feel selfish. If my boyfriend would find out about me giving people money, he would be furious. I don't know what to do. Should I give my friend money or not? I want to buy myself a new bra and be able to eat takeout with my bf. But also I don't want my friend to be homeless. And I'm afraid this won't be the last situation like this, he will never pull himself together and he will never stop asking me for money. Either way this situation will hurt our friendship. For now I took time to find multiple rooms that are cheaper than the ones he found and I hope he will actually take effort to call this places and maybe hopefully find something he can actually afford. I told him I would decide today about the loan, but I still have no idea what to do.
(Yes, I know it's shitty of me to take money from my parents and that I'm very privileged, but it's not an issue I want to discuss right now. Also where I live it's more normal and common than for example in the US.)
No. 148994
>>148897First step would be to talk to him about your doubts. Only then you will know if it's something you two can work on or if it simply isn't the right relationship for you. But as long as he isn't
abusive and you're not absolutely sure that you really do not love him, I'd say you should talk to him about your thoughts and feelings before just deciding to leave, especially if the thought of losing him pains you this much.
In the end, it depends on what you
want. If you simply don't want to be in a relationship, you need to leave. If you want to make it work, you need to communicate and be on the same page about it.
No. 148996
>>148991Then why would you ever be with a person like that? It would just mean he never loved you and never gave a shit.
All the more reason to dump him.
Seriously, reading your posts is depressing as hell, I'd rather die alone with ten cats than have what you're having.
Actually the two don't even compare, living alone with cats sounds pleasant and relaxing, your relationship is emotional waterboarding at this point.
No. 149001
>>148991No offence but I can't tell if you're dumb or just in too deep. Have you looked up the attachment theory stuff? If not, you should. He looks anxious avoidant and you seem anxious dependant. How that dynamic works is that the avoidant distances themselves if things are shitty, which then causes the dependant to cling harder because that's what they do under stress.
And since that dynamic has gone on unchecked and he obviously loves having this power over you, it's now at the stage where you'd kill yourself (I hope not) if he left and he feels safe to tell you he could leave at any time. It's fucked. He doesn't mean well.
At least PLEASE talk to your friends and show them the text. I understand you don't want to be pressured into breaking up, but I think that's because subconsciously you know that's what you need to do to preserve yourself, and you don't want to hear that truth. You're isolating yourself so the only irl perspective is your
toxic bfs.
>>148988Tell him you think it's disrepectful for you to give away money your parents gave to you. It ought to be that simple. Let him know you'll support him in other ways like finding a place, but it goes against your morals that you'd give money intended for you from other people. It doesn't make you a bad friend and don't let him make you think it does. Also suggest he get mental help, because at this point it seems like his depression is affecting his life considerably.
No. 149027
>>149001>>148997>>148996i’m not dumb i’m doing a masters degree i’m just very very in love with this person and i got a low, painful and bitter taste of what it was like without him and i know i can’t go back to that, ever.
also i’m a little afraid of what he might do if i broke up with him, the only thing i could do is get my mum to text him and say i went missing or something otherwise he would probably get angry and start revenge posting on facebook again.
as well being crazy in love with him, i’m a little afraid. i think he’s capable of a lot.
No. 149030
>>148877While other people are being relatively nice to you, I think you're being absolutely pathetic.
>we spent a blissful weekend together, I have no idea what's going on As others have mentioned, this is textbook lovebombing and a hallmark of an
abusive man.
>i'm not fatSurely it must piss you off to know there are obese women in the world that can pull guys who treat them with more dignity and respect than your man does.
Dick is abundant and there's a man for every body type out there these days, no excuse.
>what the fuck do i do Dump him. He told you he won't commit to you anyway. Turn tables.
>i want to save our relationship You can't, he told you as much.
Wouldn't surprise me if he's cheating on you too but doesn't dump you cause you still offer him pussy and attention no matter how bad he is to you.
You've got scarcity mindset and it's harming you, there are better men out there. You're just afraid to throw away your sunk costs and be single, as if being single is the worst fucking thing. Your relationship has zero value, at least if you become single you'd have your dignity back.
>im not going to break up with himThen stop spamming this thread and wasting everyone's time because you deliberately want to be a stupid twat. What more is there to do? Pandering and pleading to him doesn't work. Enjoy your cycle of abuse.
>b-but he might revenge post me on social media Then block him and unplug your computer while you get your shit back together. Anyone who'd clap for his bullshit isn't a good person either so it doesn't matter.
>but im in love with him Well he don't love you sis. Don't go chasing waterfalls. You'll get over him.
NEXT!
No. 149040
>>149036This has to be fake one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendships. You already mentioned your friends are pissed that you got back together with him so they would know he’s already a
toxic fucker and would still support you.
And if it isn’t fake sounds like you both deserve each other as you’re both
toxic so just stay with him and waste your youth lol
No. 149045
>>149036OK, so it feels like you're idk, moving the goalposts? So you fully concede now that he doesn't want the best for you, and that he's not
abusive? Like you recognise he's
abusive towards you?
>i’m just very very in love with this personAre you sure you'd define it as that? And not dependence? Consider it. I mean you think you need him. That doesn't mean you're in love. Some people are mistaken that love is something you "fight" for, that it's something you earn or don't deserve period. But that's damaged thinking, loving SHOULD be easy. If somebody doesn't love you there's nothing you can do about it. I mean NOTHING.
Anyway, why would he be so angry if according to you he'd be indifferent if you split up? Would his actions first breakup (smear campaign) not indicate he actually has very strong (albeit
toxic) feelings? Someone who insists "you can lose me anytime bb" would literally not be bothered at a breakup. More evidence he's doing it as a power play.
>>149028 ghosting is really typical behavior tbh, I hope you're not messaging him.
Your friends have encouraged your breakup, if you let them know and let them know you need help doing it I'm so sure they will.
How long was the last breakup? Also, how old are you?
>>149030kek anon, people are being relatively nice because it's a genuinely distressing situation to see someone in, and it's obvious OP has too much cognitive dissonance to take in harsh truths, so it's being tiptoed around until she hopefully comes through because I think people genuinely want to see her situation change for the better
No. 149046
>>149044Right? I had to move back home with my
toxic mother and then live out my car during a hot summer when I left that environment. All because I broke up with my manchild ex.
OP is scared to lose fake friends. Lmao.
No. 149047
>>149040 >one min you’re saying ‘he will just go round his usual life’ if you break up with him and now you’re saying he will ‘ruin’ your friendshipsThis stood out to me too, I have spent plenty of time here talking to different women stuck living with
abusive partners or with shared kids where getting away is fucking hard.. this is too much though. There's no living together, no lease, no mortgage, no kid, no ring, no pets. Most that spam here for two straight days are at least worried sick about homelessness or about him killing their shared pets in a rage.. this is stupid if it's real.
No. 149056
>>149045i’m not conceding to anything really, and i’m fully aware that the relationship is bad and needs to end, i just don’t know where to start.
i haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but everyone i know has self diag me with it. i’m 19, we broke up for 3 months and i’ve just graduated from university and have a job, normally i pay for outings due to him being unemployed. he usually uses his entire welfare cheque on the first day on computer stuff/clutter. he actually gets a decent amount and could help pay for our outings if he didn’t get himself into debt for impulse buys
i dunno i just feel so lost, i’m scared t tel my friends about that message because i don’t deserve their patience any longer and i think they’re just fed up. i also initially lied about being with him until some guy i rejected stalked me and snitched to them.
it’s a hard situation.
No. 149060
>>149052he’s being extremely quiet aside from a meme he sent a while ago which is uncharacteristic of him and concerns me
>>149047i’m not even claiming to be abused or saying that i’m trying to flee DV, i just want to vent
No. 149063
>>149057He doesn't want to talk about it. He still tries to do his hair the way he used to do it, with longer fringe and all, but it's becoming impossible to do. I watched him struggle to style his hair like he used to for like half an hour today, and he just ended up crying afterwards. He is using some expensive hairloss shampoo but it's not working.
>>149058My bf is not masculine AT ALL though. He is short, has small face, etc. He wouldn't look good with bald head. And in his case, it's a matter of couple of months, maybe a year, not years.
No. 149160
>>149155I think I get a mild version of this with my boyfriend. He's a great guy, I'm very attracted to him and after living together for three years we know each other extremely well. But once in a blue moon it's like my brain "resets" for a minute and I'm like "wait a minute, I don't really know this person! What am I doing here?". Nothing at all on his part
triggers it, usually we'll just be hanging out watching a movie together and the thought will pop into my head. It's interesting to know that it's a real thing, it had actually concerned me a little! I don't think it's anything to do with him, but more the sudden realisation that I have been taking his inner feelings for granted and that I can't really know how anyone other than myself feels and experiences life, if that makes sense?
No. 149173
File: 1598524076148.gif (499.72 KB, 500x243, ocset.gif)
My boyfriend and I don't have matching needs when it comes to cuddling. He does like to cuddle, but I really need it more than he does or can provide. He cuddles me in bed, but he rarely ever comes up to hug me out of the blue and when I hug him and want to hold him for a while, he gets nervous and starts talking and patting me on the back, which makes me sad every time. I could just hug him and look him in the eyes for a long time, I could scratch his back for 10 minutes straight while he just does it for like 30 seconds, he doesn't seem to have the same need for physical contact. It's not that he doesn't love me, he shows that in other ways like cooking for me, giving me small gifts, helping me with things, being there for me when I need him and supporting me, I just wish he could hold me for a few minutes now and again without getting antsy. It's always something; either he's too hot, he's too hyper, he is stressed out, his back hurts, his stomach aches, etc.
I feel unloved even though I know that's bullshit. It just makes me sad because I could spend so much time just cuddling.
(I will definitely not break up with him over this. I just want some ideas on how I can talk to him about this without him getting defensive, because I know that in his mind, we cuddle a lot.)
No. 149186
>>149182A lot of people online scream “break up” at the slightest issues, I don’t know how you haven’t noticed this.
He didn’t put his plate in the dishwasher? Girl, dump him, you deserve better!
No. 149229
File: 1598549324611.jpeg (66.3 KB, 407x612, 467236D1-EEC6-4BB1-8766-8AD80A…)
>>149192Thanks for your reply, anon!
That’s most likely the case. He said that he feels bad about it, that he now “feels like some weird dude who doesn’t want to hug his gf”, but that he just can’t relax when there’s so much on his mind all the time. He definitely is a worrier, so it really seems to have to do with his anxiety. I’ll give him his space and appreciate the cuddles when I get them. I guess his hugs are like some nice expensive truffles and I’m a greedy truffle hog.
No. 149326
>>149083It's really not that uncommon and I doubt he'll be too worried about about it, especially if it's something you haven't done for a while and you tell him this. I agree with >>149086's general advice and reasoning (and remember, her boyfriend found out because it was while she was with him and she needed stitches, and the outcome was "tense for a few days"!)
Also, I'd say you're not really under any obligation to mention it; if he sees old scars there and realises what they are it's honestly politest for him not to mention it if you haven't brought it up yourself, and I'd expect either that or a relatively non-probing question. You sound like you're both still pretty young though so I guess there's a chance he won't know how to react; just do your best to be calm yourself and he'll realise it's not something he needs to spaz out over
No. 149355
>>149155I had something like this with my gf half a year ago. It was weirs at the time, but it passed pretty quickly. Now, though, I feel like I'm having a stronger form…I think it's even set off by reading other stories about people's SOs. Also, while I looked long and hard for people I liked spending time with enough to pursue a relationship with, she's the first one with whom that seriously happened, and I keep thinking "what if I'm missing out?"
This is despite everything having been perfect for a while. I talked to my mom a lot and she said she thought it was hormonal at first. I'm also aware that other things and ongoing quarantine might be making me depressed and I'm just putting the blame on my gf since she suddenly doesn't make everything perfect anymore. I think I'm falling out of infatuation, but I still love her, so it's a very weird feeling and I'm not sure what to do.
No. 149441
File: 1598671114942.jpg (Spoiler Image,32.92 KB, 604x453, UNFF.jpg)
Can farmers guess my bf's age? I'm 28. I'll tell you his real age, I just want to know if he looks age appropriate for me.
No. 149448
>>149441why do I feel like this is a self-post
also he looks like 25-30
No. 149462
>>149441He has one of those faces where I'd guess him to be late twenties, maybe early thirties but I wouldn't be completely surprised if you turn around and say he's 20 either.
>>149450Agreed, he needs to shave.
No. 149470
>>149448>>149449>>149450>>149451>>149453>>149460>>149462>>149467Lmao thanks anons.
He's 43. Just wanted to make sure he looked around my age and not old. People around me act shocked when I tell them he was born in 1977.
I'll tell him to shave.
No. 149471
>>149470You're 28 and he's 43?…
I've dated a guy with a twelve year difference and I really wish someone had told me not to. This guy looking your age isn't the important part here, forty-somethings that date twenty-somethings are frowned upon because of the power dynamic that sets in over time. Guys aiming 15 years younger are generally not dating with great intentions, though they'll certainly tell you otherwise!
No. 149473
>>149471I'm pretty independent financially and I've got my own vehicle. We want a lot of the same things. I'm not worried about being manipulated or anything, not that I think he would. Been pretty respectful so far but that doesn't mean it's been years either.
What happened anon?
No. 149476
>>149473> What happened anon?He was charming the whole time that we were dating but living seperately. I stayed over alot and thought I knew him well. I finally moved out of my shared flat and we moved in together. It all went downhill from there, he really was playing the long game in putting on a total act til I had a financial reason to feel tied there. Then the mask slowly slipped and two years later I spent my 30th birthday in a womens shelter recovering from the whole ordeal.
I know I wasn't a baby when all this happened but I still wish I had a more hands-on or involved family to say "hey you really think that's a good idea?" when I disclosed the age difference.
>I'm not worried about being manipulated or anythingTbh you should keep that in mind, anyone dating a man 15 years older than them needs to keep that in mind. It's naive not to.
No. 149507
>>149474Less than a year. We have plans for moving in and marriage in the future.
>>149476Thanks anon. Truth be told I've been burned so hard in my past that I've always resolved to keep a secret "Fuck-off Fund" so in case I ever need to leave I have at least a deposit and two-month's rent someplace else. I contacted his ex to ask how their relationship ended, yet they seem to have ended amicably despite being married for 15 years. She didn't have any warnings for me, since he mostly provided for her and not the other way around. I'm glad he's more the providing type, I can't stand co-dependent manchildren. Last time I ended my LDR of 4 years (with a manchild who was my age), I went temp homeless. I just couldn't take the neglect, constant mental loads, and emotional betrayal anymore. Lived out my car and a gym membership where they thankfully had a shower.
I broke off in the heat of the moment so I had no time to save or hunt for a roommate. My only grace was that my neighbors had flooded my apartment around the same time I broke up so most of my shit was already packed in boxes when I wanted to leave.
I don't trust men entirely, I just trust that they're liable to hurt me.
>>149477He's pretty slender too, I think he has a young frame in addition to having really nice skin.
No. 149634
File: 1598841366403.jpg (4.38 KB, 150x128, kirby.jpg)
Uhh, how do I rein in general craziness when I get invested in a relationship?
At the crush stage and in the beginning of a relationship I'm always cool and totally unaffected by the idea that things might not work out, kinda just going with the flow, zero jealousy or insecurities. When things get emotionally serious, however, I just start overthinking everything. Not even about whether things work out, also about all these details in how he feels about me. I worry about whether I am the best partner he has ever had in various different dimensions, is he happier with me than with his first love or whatever, does he think about other women, etc.
I don't know why these things would even matter because I'm also really confident that the type of guys I'm dating are extremely into me in terms of personality and interests, and while I'm not a true Stacy, I can be quite sexually charismatic. I'm also only dating to find my life partner and this bond would obviously over time become unique enough to drown out past connections. But my brain won't shut up about wanting to be the absolute best in everything I guess, I can ruminate endlessly about what something he said actually meant and where I stand.
I'm mostly asking because I recently got a chad adjacent but so caring bf who blows every partner I ever had out of the water, and I don't want to screw this up by becoming insecure and seeking endless reassurance (especially since he's already not shutting up about how amazing he finds me, which thank god has kept my worries in check pretty well). My current solution is just being more focused on all the impressive things that attracted him in the first place and playing more confident than I am until I hopefully get actually secure, but I worry this won't be enough if I get even more invested. Pls help ; __ ;
No. 149649
>>149634Anon, are you me? You're definitely on the right track with focusing on what attracted him to you, there's no need to constantly upgrade and be better when you're already more than good enough. Just try to not overthink and I hope you'll eventually be able to feel fully secure.
For me it's so much of a struggle I've started seeing a therapist and being able to talk to professionalist about it helps a lot, so you can consider that too if you feel it's getting out of control. I feel like meditation is recommended as a tool for literally any issue but sometimes when I'm by myself getting eaten away by insecurity, clearing my mind and meditating is a good help too.
No. 149650
>>149574I had an irl friend years ago, guy had a crush on me and was a bit cringey at dropping that into conversation too much. He disclosed to me one day that he had was on the offenders register for images of children. When I googled his name i found articles saying it was thousands of images and vids. He was part of a ring and he had directed someone to abuse a two year old and film particular acts that were to his taste… I moved house before I cut contact. Just to be safe.
Obviously you need to stop communication. You do not owe him an explanation. You don't need to confront him and listen to the inevitable excuses and downplaying that he'll use. Does he have your address or work address?
No. 149653
>>149574Anon I feel you wholeheartedly.
Today the guy I was going to go out with turned out to have sexually assaulted his ex girlfriend. I didn't know until today because I'm not in the same groups as he is so I couldn't get a background check or anything. I only found out when I mentioned him to two of my acquaintances and they told me what happened! I feel so fucking guilty for even associating with him…
I had a good cry about it, not about him but more about the woman he hurt and how sorry I felt for her. I know you can't but I talked to her sister who is also an acquaintance and she told me to not be stupid because I didn't know. I also talked to my friends about it and got hugs.
I'm now ghosting him on everything. He doesn't deserve anything from you, I hope you feel better.
No. 149671
>>149661Not trying to downplay whatever happened in your household that made it dysfunctional but I come from an ok upbringing and my bro was the same in his teens and early twenties..like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him. It does seem to be an age where they can shut down and my brother was particularly non fussed about the women in his life. If it wasn't a girl he could sleep with he wasn't making any effort back.
I don't know how much of that is just age and how much might be dictated by environment in your bros case.
No. 149684
(blogposty)
>>149671I mean it could be possible, I don't have enough information on him these days. I more or less raised him for years and brought him up to respect women. Back when he did talk to me he had mixed gender friend groups and I never heard him talk about his female friends disparagingly, but who knows if he's changed. He used to dislike our dad a lot and I'd try shield him from my dads attitude and I would tell dad to stop if he told my mom to shut the fuck up within earshot, but I mean 5 years with no buffer between my brother and parents might have changed him.
It's just sad because I thought we had a pretty strong bond. He had more freedoms than I did because I said I'd accompany him to a city or whatever, then we'd split up. I'd advocate that he should hang out with friends and that he has the right to privacy and all that. When I left I feel like he tried to talk to me, but it was solely about academic achievements. ""I have X exam. I think I'll pass. I passed. I have Y exam. I'll probably pass. I passed" etc. And I'd say good job, I'm so proud and ask him about his ambitions but it somehow managed to peter out into silence. I wonder if he's quiet now because I'm no longer needed for his freedom, so no need to talk to me. I really hope that's not the case.
So did your brother start talking to you again voluntarily, or what happened?
No. 149922
>>149836no offense but you sound 19 max.
Why are you referring to someone with a dick as "they"? If they're transgender or whatever… anon, ask yourself if you really want a druggie transgender depressed person who can't commit in your life. Assuming you're young, this is just going to leave you damaged on the start. No relationship, no sex even, but only your ~support~? Be their friend or whatever, but don't romantically involve yourself with someone who can only take.
No. 150093
>>150069How long were you single inbetween? Just sounds like you started dating again before you were ready. Like you were still in that 'ruminating' stage after the last break up.
A few therapy sessions usually speeds up that process, if you're in a position to afford that. What was the shitty scenario?
No. 150105
>>148875I'm days late but anon if you're still here, I'm in almost the exact same situation!
I think it's pretty normal to wonder about the "what ifs" while in a relationship, but if he means that much to you then I think the reality is that you'd be worse off without him even if you could party and mingle. I would keep the discord thing to yourself and stay away from the guy you're crushing on, but what do you think about telling your bf about the fictional characters/hentai? I slowly started telling my bf about the BL manga I read and chatting with him about fictional characters I think are attractive. He found it funny and played along, so I feel a bit better about it even if it's disturbing to me personally since, like you, I was never into this stuff before.
No. 150109
>>150093>>150099basically no time, met the guy I'm seeing now when dating the previous guy. Previous guy didn't want to rush into anything and be an 'official' couple after about 6 months of seeing me, and the situation involved one of his exs still trying to get back with him (he never showed any interest back, but they worked together so there was always contact. Guy I'm seeing now was upfront about liking me and I think that was the final push my frustrated self needed to say 'fuck it I'm not waiting anymore'. But now…iunno, I worry I acted too impulsively out of frustration.
I really enjoy the time I spend with the guy I'm dating now, and when we're together I don't think about the previous guy. But when I'm alone, I do. Why is that?
No. 150130
>>148875I'm in the same boat, anon. I love my boyfriend so much and we've been together for years, yet I have thoughts like these a ton!
What's probably happening here is something that is entirely common in a long-term relationship – your bond changes from a more infatuated bond/limerence into a deeper, more stable and loving bond. Your love has adjusted for the long term, rather than being something new, exciting and drug-like, and at this stage it's entirely common to have wandering thoughts. However, and I've come to this conclusion myself after having the same issue, if you genuinely have a loving bond with your boyfriend, it will be much more rewarding in the long term to stay with him and grow. One way this growth could happen is being open with him about these feelings, particularly the hentai stuff (not necessarily the discord guy as the other anon said.) Even if he seems vanilla, he might be super willing to do kinkier shit to please you. You're probably just at a phase where you need more excitement in your relationship and it's entirely possible to rekindle those initial "exciting" feelings even if it comes and goes in waves throughout your relationship. I promise you that this is something almost everyone in a super long-term relationship goes through at some point, and you already seem to know deep in your heart that you want to stay with your bf.
No. 150181
>>150126>He briefly saw a therapist at one point but it didn't help.>brieflyMaybe that's the problem, too briefly?
Personally I'd really encourage him to go back for therapy, not just for his sake but also for yours and your relationship together. This is a very serious condition that requires professional help, in my opinion you can't go around that.
No. 150226
File: 1599271858497.gif (500.19 KB, 375x244, 1317C9A3-02EE-4C9E-81FE-16D534…)
>>150218>>150219>>150222I said it way too soon apparently
No. 150298
>>149453He reminds me of Ethan Hawke's chara in Before Sunrise, so this opinion is spot-on
Maybe 30, maybe a rugged 20
No. 150301
>>150300Samefag, I nailed it with the Before Sunrise comparison since his chara is also a midlife crisis divorcee in the later movies.
Good luck Anon.
No. 150305
>>149470FORTY MOTHERFUCKING THREE.
I would have given him anywhere from 22-32. Jeez. He has some good genetics.
He looks around your age. And other anons are being pretty harsh, he looks kind
No. 150448
>>150446Have you been with anyone else except this guy? If he is the only one you give your attention to then it's definitely gonna be hard to not develop some kind of attachment.
In general good practice - I believe that for anyone but especially for a novice hoe - would be to not have any longer term hook-ups, even if both you and the other party want to keep it going. Set a deadline, something like like up to 2 weeks of hooking up and then move on to someone else, no going back, otherwise you'll just grow attached to them again.
No. 150451
>>150448nah, i haven't been with anyone else except this guy and you're totally right. i need to stop myself before i develop feelings for him bc then i'll be FUCKED.
thank you!
No. 150526
>>150512>>150514Thanks you anons, I feel like I keep trying to convince myself it's okay even though I already know objectively it really is not. I think sometimes I just need a strangers opinion to push me in a right direction and stop being stupid. Keep your fingers crossed for me to find good friends I don't have romantic history with, like a decent human being
> why don't you try a long distance relationship i.e. just text, see who initiates actually hanging outIt's been like this since COVID in late winter, he definitely invites me more than I invite him but I think more of an issue is that we really talk constantly… I'll try to just slowly step away until it's more of a healthy distance.
No. 152038
File: 1600601083820.jpg (14.12 KB, 330x331, 6f2140c30aafbca65ff931bb9a64af…)
My boyfriend and I have been together close to a year now. I have strong feelings for him but he can be overly clingy. He always wants to spend time together 24/7 to the point where he gets offended if I want to hang out with friend(s) without him. It's also a recurring theme where he laments that his ex never made time for him leaving him behind to spend time with her friends. Recently, he told me how upset he was when she went to another city for a girl's trip and said he couldn't come. He was really insistent about not understanding why he couldn't just tag along. When I tried explaining that the point of a girls trip is for it to be all girls he got offended and said he would get mad at any of his friends if they didn't want me hanging out. I tried talking the issue out but the whole convo felt like red flags.
His mom also recently told him not to put so much of his energy and time into relationships when he told her he needed to go home (after visiting for an hour or so) so he could spend time with me.
I try talking to him about these issues but sometimes it just doesn't feel like we're on the same page.
Do you guys think his behavior is unsalvageable or something that can be worked on? Am I in the wrong here? Or is this just a matter of preference in how much time you like to spend with your SO?
No. 152046
>>152037my advice is just be honest about why you need more affection from him, like you have been here. As for wording, I'd try something like 'hey, I know you said physical affection isn't important for you to feel cared for, but it is for me. When I get a surprise kiss of a cuddle from you, it makes my day and really lifts my mood. Can you please try to give me more affection in this way?'
I wouldn't mention other couples, or mention that you feel sad / unwanted from this, because in my experience men react badly to guilt or critique. Good luck anon, I hope your bf spoils you with kisses and hugs soon.
No. 152127
>>152038It’s definitely not you anon. This is unhealthy and codependent behavior on your boyfriend’s side. It’s possible he can improve but that’ll take a combination of you maintaining your boundaries and needs (of seeing friends without him) and him coming to understand why it isn’t the end of the world if you’re not always together. I would be kind but also lay things out clearly for him.
Let him know that you love spending time with him, but that you also need to enjoy your friends alone sometimes. You can explain that they may want to talk with you about personal topics, and although they may like your bf, they have obviously known you longer and wouldn’t be comfortable doing so around someone they’ve only had as a casual acquaintance for a year. And even when it comes to more casual things, simply put, they are
your friends and not his, and are entitled to have your attention to themselves every now and then. I would tell him he should appreciate time alone with his friends as well so that his life is balanced and he’s not reliant upon you for all his happiness, which can be very draining.
It seems your boyfriend may have a hang up about this due to past treatment from an ex, so I would let him know that if he’s ever feeling neglected, he should be able to let you know. But also establish fair boundaries… like if you’ve spent 5/7 days of the week with him and then he gets upset about you going out with friends once, that’s not cool. You can reassure him but after that he has to accept what a normal, healthy relationship looks like and understand that you are not the center of each other’s worlds, even though you can be very important parts of it.
No. 152193
>>152185>that's not an option for me since it'll make me look like a monster.Wha? You'd be a monster for breaking up with someone who has a mental illness with side effects you don't want to deal with? People do this all the time and it's totally
valid. Just like someone may not want to be in a relationship with someone who has cancer or some other debilitating disease. I deal with depression and if my partner wanted to break up with me because I wasn't actively managing it and I can be an energy-sucking sadsack then that's okay, I wouldn't hold it against him.
Sorry anon but that's a terrible reason to stay. It would be one thing if you said, "I don't want to leave my partner because I really love them and want to help them through this," but as it stands you sound like a prisoner.
No. 152194
>>152185Have they been officially diagnosed? What nature of trauma happened in their childhood? Are they getting therapy that it specifically for that?
I ask all that because with all the popular DID youtubers popping up in the last few years you now have women with more mundane issues like BPD getting wrapped up in the idea and announcing it without a diagnosis. Just make believing that they have it and pretending to have a diagnosis.
I would want clear proof that it's diagnosed if I were you. If 'alters' will potentially be used as get out of jail free cards any time she gets
abusive with you.. you at least want absolute proof that a professional has diagnosed it and is treating her trauma. It already sounds like something dodgy is happening if her 'alters' don't like you. You can totally leave a person with mental illness. I have a mental illness that affects me greatly, I've been dumped twice. That's life. And that is your right. You can't be held hostage because of an illness.
No. 152235
>>152185>TheyIs it a fakeboy? A tranny?
Especially if this person is a genderspecial claiminig to have DID, I'd say that they're probably not officially diagnosed and are making their alters up to seem special and to manipulate you. Of course I'm no psychiatrist but actual DID is extremely rare and I doubt that this person has it.
No. 152239
>>152210You come on here asking for advice, but you don't want to hear the only sound advice. You're just scared of leaving. No change is more comfortable than leaving even if staying sucks.
I'd say get out before sacrificing your life to a mentally ill person. In my parent's marriage one of them has a mental illness and it was hell growing up with them. Only after 20+ years when they finally got professional help that helped them understand each other and cope did it finally get bearable. Having seen a relationship with one mentally ill-half from up-close, I'd warn anyone who's in a relationship with a mentally ill person to get the hell out. Staying in a relationship with a mentally ill person is a literal sacrifice of your own life and happiness and you'll get nothing in return.
Regardless if you insist on staying you need get help from a professional who can help you understand your partner's mental illness and how to deal with that. That's not something we can give you proper advice on.
No. 152245
>>152210That is the exact reason why you need to leave. That is so far from healthy and you'll both find your mental health spiraling under those circumstances.
Rip the band-aid off and just cut that person off. It'll be better for you both in the long run. she'll/he'll get over it like every other person on earth who gets dumped. You know marriages end, people with kids split, nobody is above getting fucking dumped when their partner is no longer happy. Seeing as they are a genderspecial and just happen to have this oh so rare disorder (be sceptical girl) then yes they'll freak out and try to put you through manipulation tactics while blaming alters. Don't buy it. Cut contact like they recommend people do with narcs/untreated bpders. That's likely what she/he is. Some people with cluster b disorders and narc traits greatly exaggerate their 'illness/victimhood' to hold people emotionally captive like that and you statistically are much more likely to meet one of those assholes in your lifetime than a truly diagnosed DIDer.. hint, hint. Block them on every avenue they can use to contact you because they will suicide bait you otherwise.
No. 152250
File: 1600775772521.png (85.69 KB, 275x206, 1598905518294.png)
Girls I don't know if I want to try the relationship or reject him. I know he loves me, we know each other years ago online and it was reciprocated. But at this time I was young and my self esteem was really low, not to mention we never saw each other so going on a relationship was a no to me in the end. We got in contact again and it's been two years, we chat just fine and often have something to talk about.
Except that I'm still undecided as ever, I keep switching between "Should I go out with him?" to "Nope don't wanna, I'm glad I didn't". I start to think that the part of me that want to give a try is because I know it'll be hard for me to find someone if I reject him now: ugly, socially awkward, etc. We actually never properly exchanged our pictures (he did saw my face by accident) and only chatted vocal like 2 times. So I'm already super pessimistic when I'm thinking about being his girlfriend, if he sees that I'm not that 8/10 girl next door and I don't want my self-esteem being already hurt again. And yes I said "Give it a try" not "I love him" because even that I don't fucking now, the bright side that I see is that I can try to date someone to see if there's feeling. But going out with him because I'm afraid to miss my only opportunity and not out of love is hella disrespectful to him.
I just want to tell him all of that, yo girl is not conventionally pretty. We never met IRL and I wished we did that as friends, not "potential partners" because that stress me out. I'm afraid that I'm not in love and force myself because how the freak I'm supposed to find someone that will love me. Even best case scenario he finds me pretty, do I love him? I don't just know.
No. 152278
>>152259Yes, I do get the butterfly feeling but it's more related from the attention I'm getting. I'll be honest and just tell him I don't feel confortable (I missed the opportuniy because he's doing engineering studies and I didn't wanted to add more anxiety with his workload).
>>152254I wouldn't even mind "as friends" lmao
Thank you
No. 152285
Is it a bad sign, or considerate, if my boyfriend lied to me to not make me upset? Does he fear me if I become upset?
It's really stupid. So yesterday some teenage employee at a grocery store was giving me shit because my chip card at the self-checkout suddenly wasn't taking. It was one of those machines where if it senses it's a chip card it won't let you swipe. She was giving me a bunch of attitude because I just asked her if she could suspend my order and swipe my card up at the main desk. I used to work at a grocery store so I know it's something I'd do for a customer if their card couldn't read, or manually punch it in. She told me no and that the issue was my card and it wasn't going to work at all so I'd just have to go get cash from an ATM or pay differently. I didn't really believe her about the chip being bad and said how I didn't think it was my card, but either way she didn't seem to be interested in helping me out and wanted to make it entirely my problem. I rescanned on a different machine and same issue. I wound up paying with a different card which is also a chip but it malfunctioned with that chip too. Of course I thought no way it was me at that point. I got it to take after a second time which made me think the store's card readers were just bad.
My bf who's a manager at a different grocery store chain listened to me sperg about it and sided with me.
Fast forward to today: I went to pay for a meal before work and noticed when I handed my card to the employee my chip malfunctioned again, but this employee just swiped my card and didn't make it my problem so it was all good.
I texted my bf about how I stood corrected about my chip failing, and he replied "Hahahaha…I wanted to say something last night but didn't want to make you mad." Idk, he could have told me the truth and I would have believed him. After all, I don't really care that the chip isn't working, I was more pissed off from the girl's lazy attitude.
I texted with a laugh back and told him he can tell me the truth. I'm just nervous that apparently he's going to lie to me if he thinks the truth will upset me, or apparently I'm such an intense bull that he thinks I wouldn't have handled the truth well.
No. 152296
>>152285Seriously anon, this is so minor. I wouldn’t even consider it a lie so much as being supportive of your partner. If my bf was complaining about an annoying situation even if I figured he might be wrong about something, I’d just shrug it off and let him vent without any real concern over the specifics (if it was over something so banal and lacking any moral implications). I’d consider it rude and dismissive to be all, “ACTUALLY dear, you probably fucked up in this situation,” in the midst of him just wanting to blow off steam. Of course any normal person would be frustrated with their partner nitpicking when they just wanted to relate a story. Imo laugh over the honest mistake and move on.
If it was a situation where you were like, bitching out the employee for not doing what you wanted, then it might warrant “I understand you were upset honey but I feel like you may have needlessly attacked that girl,” but there’s literally no moral quandary on your end, just the employee kind of being an ass to you. I’m sure your bf just wanted to give you the opportunity to get it off your chest without interrupting over something so minor.
No. 152304
>>152285If someone is venting about something, I wouldn't interrupt them with a "ackchually you could be wrong here," it's just unnecessary. Not
always saying what's on your mind isn't lying. Obviously when you listen to a story, you consider the possibilities in your head, and if I listened to your story, I would have agreed as well. It seems unlikely you'd have two malfunctioning chip cards, but of course it's possible.
It's more concerning that you're thinking about this so much, and you're coming off high-strung. People who interject with "facts and logic" when someone is clearly just annoyed are
very tiresome, and it's a good sign your bf has enough social intelligence to not do that.
No. 152355
I don't really know how to feel. I am having a stressful week at work and that is making me react snappy in certain conversations with my partner. He told me last night he sometimes hates hanging out with me because of how snappy i've been. I have apologised and tried to explain that work is extremely stressful, my dissertation is due in next week and my period just started but it all feels like excuses and I just feel like a horrible person.
Although, I also feel like he doesn't help my stress? I was really busy yesterday and he comes in, whilst making food for himself and not me as well lol, asking 'are we out of beans' ??? is my brain connected to the cupboard or something? why can't you just check? like we haven't done laundry because we don't have any laundry stuff but he won't go get it even though he's a lot freer than I am, I've been working since Monday and I went to the shop multiple times to check, when I was on my break and it didn't have any. I could go to another shop but I just don't have time, whereas he's just playing games and says he 'doesn't want to go to the shop' ?
There's a comic out there about the mental load women have compared to men and it feels like that is happening but any time I bring it up he refutes it and says he does do stuff for me but I can't think of the times he does the stuff he says he does? especially off his own merit, I usually have to ask to get anything done such as 'can you do the washing' or 'can you go to the shop' and it's always met with a groan or 'i don't want to' or 'yes mien furher' ? I just think my resentment is building ontop of my stress but I can't talk to him about it either cause he gets pissy. There are a lot of things I don't want to do either but I just have to cause otherwise it won't get done.
I just feel like im being a bit gaslit like I can see the situation, I can see I care a lot more than he does about a lot of things around the house and tasks that need doing but when I talk to him it's always like 'no i do this this and this'? but it doesn't make sense cause the dishes aren't washed, the clothes aren't done, the food isn't cooked? the house is a mess. I try to clean in my free time but I want to relax as well the same way he gets to. I only get the weekend off and I am already tired of spending it cleaning up only for it to get messy through the week.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest.
No. 152373
>>152355I don't even know what's good advice to deal with this situation but I just wanted to relate and say I've been there too and it sucks to be the one always having to ask your partner to simply pull their weight. The fact that there's no initiative taken to do chores and it always has to be requested of them.. my ex would sit in a dirty apartment with chores just piling up around him and never do them without me having to nearly beg him to help. Even then he'd have a day off work and if I came home and asked that he do dishes (after a day of him playing vidya games) I'd have to do the dishes alongside him or else 'it wasn't fair'….
I think it's rooted in old gender roles. Even when you're busier than them or working longer hours it still comes down to you to be the one motivated to clean both of your clothes… I reached a point where I didn't see a future like that, especially in terms of having a family. That workload would be a nightmare and a constant battle so I left. That and like you said it feels like gaslighting for someone to make you out to be unreasonable just for wanting some sort of even split in care of the home.
I never found a solution apart from us splitting up but I just wanted to say I hear you. I know your frustration.
No. 152392
>>152347It's really good that you recognize you can't live like this. A lot of women would be in denial in your situation (not blaming them, denial is a symptom of the abuse).
So you've overcome the mental hurdles and you know this can't go on.
In your situation I would immediately start SECRETLY planning to gtfo. Secretly because you say he's benign, but I don't know how he's going to react now that you're definitely trying to leave. He's already threatened your loved ones.
Stop talking to him about leaving, he's not going to help you leave, he's going to actively try and stop you leaving.
Start stashing whatever money you can in a secret bank account. Start telling your family that you and the baby NEED to leave. I know they watched it happen to you, but if they can help you now then you need that help. Plan to leave and then execute that plan as quickly and decisively as possible.
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship
No. 152404
>>152355Anon, this is a shit situation (for you). I promise there are men out there who clean up around the house without being asked because they're competent adults who appreciate a tidy living space. Men who enjoy cooking and willingly offer to make dinner in general, and doubly so when you're stressed. Who don't complain when you ask for support or for small tasks to be taken care of. I'm telling you right now you are not crazy or demanding for wanting (or even expecting) more.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is a complete ass, but from what you've expressed here he certainly seems pretty crappy. I hope you will really think if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're interested in having kids eventually, can you imagine how much more responsibility you'd have to shoulder with this guy acting like an inept, whiny teen? You'd already have one kid to take care of, then you'd have him on top of it. Where does that leave your own needs?
No. 152415
>>152413 >"who are you most worried about, your dad who's almost 60 or me?"I've buried a parent (she was 58 and a small infection spiralled) and years after that I had a bf give out to me for crying on mothers day… It took my attention away from him. Looking back that's such a clear warning sign, when all they feel in that moment… is robbed of your attention! You have one dad, most romantic relationships have an expiry date. That's just reality. To put you in this position of 'tell me I matter more than your father' is unreasonable. He doesn't matter more. He shouldn't expect to and if his wording was what you quoted there then that's very telling. You're not even married to this man.
>This lasted for HOURS >Is this some sort of emotional abuse?If it's hours upon hours of arguing without any real effort to find a middleground or solution.. they're usually just trying to emotionally punish you. You can usually judge for yourself whether an argument is constructive or just lashing out.
I'm really sorry anon. I hope your dad manages to fight through it. You deserve to be able to vent right now and I hope that theres someone else in your life that proves more supportive to you during this.
No. 152457
>>152413He's being absolutely unreasonable. He might've been worried about his own health issues and feeling like you don't care for a while, and your dad's health issue might've acted as the tipping point. But even so, he should've had the common sense to not bring it up at a time like this. How incredibly self-centered.
I actually had something similar happen to me recently. My cat was extremely sick for a week, I was worried sick, hadn't slept or eaten, and my fwb decided that it was a good time to start talking about his hurt feefees about something minor and unrelated. I told him now is not a good time but he kept going. I blocked him.
No. 152492
>>152413I hope you leave this asshole anon. It's so disgusting that he literally took a situation about your father's fragile health and made it about him instead of supporting you. I hate that for you. I understand what it's like being in an emotionally
abusive relationship, it's hard to see because it (unfortunately) becomes something you normalize. But you deserve so much better than this. Your partner should support you and build you up, not make you feel worse over a perfectly normal thing to be stressed over. I hope your dad gets better soon and that you can find a real support system.
No. 152518
>>152415I'm so sorry for your loss anon, and that you had to experience a bf that wouldn't even let you grieve on mothers day. I def agree that this kind of behavior is a big warning sign. Our argument never became constructive, although I tried to communicate how his behavior made me feel several times. He just continued acting completely irrational - the whole situation felt absurd. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.
>>152419Thank you anon, I completely agree and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. There's absolutely been some warning signs prior to this, and tbh he's rarely provided the support I've needed whenever I've been dealing with traumatic stuff. I just feel like this is the one situation that made me understand how incredibly unhealthy this relationship is. It's like it finally dawned on me.
>>152438kek, thank you for making me laugh anon
>>152457>>152470>>152492>>152495Thank you so much anons, this is exactly what I need to hear. I've been considering leaving him before, but this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I've been rationalizing his behavior for years, telling myself that it's not "serious enough" to be considered emotional abuse. My reasons for being sad or stressed are never good enough for him, he tells me when I should get home after seeing friends, whenever I'm crying it's because I have an undiagnosed "mental disorder". I'm never allowed to react to anything; if I do, I'm being irrational. At this point, I'm scared of sharing my feelings with him because I know I'll be judged, not supported. Just writing this makes me feel ashamed that I've allowed myself to be treated like this.
For the first time I'm a 100% certain that leaving him is the right thing to do.
No. 152598
>>152590You are the only person responsible for the food that you choose to put in your mouth
Asking your bf to cut out foods or saying that he doesn't hide food well enough.. sounds like a whole load of blame shifting. You have to tackle this yourself. If you need to see a professional to work on those cravings then don't be ashamed to do that.
No. 152669
>>152590you just got diagnosed so you probably don't totally get the ins and outs of it yet, but, once you've cut gluten out for an extended period of time a very small amount of it will make you spend the night in the bathroom throwing up.
the bigger issue with living with someone when you're celiac is cross contamination. It's extremely difficult to keep crumbs out of your food, use different toaster ovens, etc
in my opinion it's not unreasonable at all to demand someone stop eating gluten inside the house entirely. Getting glutened will kill you very early if you are celiac. I know several celiacs who's partners have cut gluten out to accommodate them- its a sacrifice they have to make if they actually understand what gluten does to someone who is celiac and care about your health.
ofc I agree with the other anons that your reason being so you aren't "tempted" is stupid though. You are diagnosed celiac. You can never eat wheat again. You have to deal with that
No. 152688
>>152684I would normally say exes are too messy but technically he's not a full on ex. You will still have that issue of an underlying feeling of having been rejected/abandoned though. (he walked away from me once before, he chose her over me etc)
Do you feel emotionally well enough to deal with those nagging feelings if or when they pop up?
No. 152690
File: 1601114674401.jpeg (20.07 KB, 275x216, 1B344655-8E0C-4603-BD8C-A61B87…)
My bf and I have different political beliefs. We do agree on a few things but disagree on others. This isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but tonight, he brought up abortion for some reason (I’m pro-choice, he’s pro-life). He ended up saying that if he were with someone, got her pregnant, and she decided to have an abortion, then he would break up with her. I’m a virgin and wouldn’t have unprotected sex unless I wanted a kid, but I guess hearing him say that just gave me sort of a bad/sad feeling? Ofc I don’t think anything like that would ever happen to me, but I’m just not sure how to feel about what he said. I just felt awkward and bad the rest of the night.
No. 152696
>>152690I don't view men saying this shit as just having 'different political opinions'
Even if you are celebate til marriage and you plan your kids out…if you decide you can only handle so many kids and one more surpise pregnancy slips in there…you'd have to fight this man for your right to bodily autonomy. Would he divorce you?
I've seen women with postnatal depression stuck in that exact position. It's not just political. Once you're with him it becomes very personal. If you're ever planning to start having sex with him you can't really agree to disagree on this.
No. 152702
>>152698he feels this way because he is only seeing the idea of a child through a male perspective, something a lot of emotionally immature and self-centred men do. He's not able to understand the physically, emotional and mental task carrying a child to birth is for a woman.
Honestly imo this is a huge issue to disagree on, and I would absolutely split over it myself. He has basically laid down an ultimatum for you if you get pregnant, why would you want to be with such a selfish guy?
No. 152703
>>152700I'm confused that premarital sex is fine with him..I mean he's really picking and choosing which oldschool morals he wants to hold himself to. He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.
You keep any baby of his and he'll either be a deadbeat dad or he'll use it to abuse you. He can't empathise with women. I would bail.
No. 152706
>>152702Hard agree.
I know you said it isn't a dealbreaker but I'd get out. Since you said you're a virgin I assume you haven't been together for a long time, I'd cut my losses now. There's men with political opinions you agree with.
>>152703> He can't keep his virginity til marriage but you have to spend twenty years dealing with the consequences of sex… I call bullshit.this
No. 152707
>>152702Nta but this reminded me of something I watched on youtube a few months back (wish I had the link to share) A guy who had a rocky relationship with his gf. They were already broken up when she discovered she was pregnant. He went all out begging her to keep the baby and saying he'd raise it alone. They came to that agreement.
She gave birth, moved states to continue with college/career. She sent a cheque every month but kept to the agreement of not being in the kids life. The guy had a part time job and his parents provided free childcare for him. The kid was about 2 1/2 when they filmed this and my god did the man whinge about how he had given up his life. He was one tenth of the way into raising this kid, she did exactly what he requested. He was actually in a better position than alot of single moms that I know (free childcare from nearby and heavily involved grandparents)
I think he somehow expected the mom to change her mind, raise the child and just give him fun weekend visits. He felt very sorry for himself and complained about wanting to date but the baby getting in the way lol
No. 152827
>>152787>I need advice on how to handle it because it’s gonna put me in the hospital like my last breakup.What. I don't know how a breakup would get you into a hospital unless your bf is
abusive, but to me it sounds like you both are in dire need of therapy.
No. 152845
File: 1601206741923.png (383.02 KB, 439x465, f.png)
>>152787Hello, Stacey.
If you're reading this, it once again means you've danced with the devil.
Right now, you're probably thinking, "he's going to change, we'll be happy together."
But you're only thinking that because he's a monstrous parasite… who entered through your privates and lodged himself in your brain.
So, you have two choices:
1 - Get rid of him and go to the hospital, yes it's going to suck but you're going to be fine, or
2 - Stay with him and things get worse even before you get to the hospital, it's going to suck more
Choose wisely.
Damn it girl…
No. 152878
>>152845>it once again means you've danced with the devil.o rly? She wrote about herself:
>need someone to love me at all times. I push all the limits of a relationshipMeanwhile the other party is, what, codependent? Desperate? At worst guilting her? I think you put on one pair of blinders too many today
No. 152953
I’m
>>152787 back again.
To clarify some stuff: when I mentioned ending up in the hospital, I meant because I am a very emotionally volatile person with BPD (I’m in therapy, I really am trying), but when my last relationship ended 3 years ago, I felt like my life was crumbling around me and I felt a sadness and emptiness that I had never felt before, and it scared the living shit out of me.
I KNOW I am not a healthy person to be in a relationship with all the time, and I have improved a lot in 3 years since my last gf. But my bf now (of 1 year) is definitely just as unstable as I am, but he’s not seeking any treatment for it. He is being a typical bitch boy and bottling his feelings up and expressing them in negative ways. Like telling me I was fat and the ugliest person he’s ever seen and that he hopes I die in a car crash on my way to work. And my dumbass forgave him after this, but swore I’d never let the same thing happen again and I still stand by that.
I’ve been really careful about not being manipulative with him and I can honestly say I feel proud that I’ve been able to make communication work. The messiness of our relationship is really just background when it comes to my real issue of just wanting out but not feeling or being strong enough to be on my own. And leaving someone who has so much of myself to their knowledge.
I posted here just as a means of hearing what anyone could say to me so that I know what next move to make. I’m also really unhappy dating a man now instead of a woman which makes emotional love much more distant, and the love I have for him is more related to my need for a person to call my own.
I don’t want people to think I’m making myself a
victim here, but then I’m so sensitive that I’m scared to hear the criticisms if they get just slightly harsher than I allow myself to critic myself. Again, I’ve been in therapy more than half my life, I am, now more than ever, working on myself. But I need to make choices for my future and it is very hard for me to let people go
No. 152956
>>152878Im definitely not a
victim in this situation. I’m actively working in therapy to rewire the way I think because of my mental illness. My way of thinking is skewed enough that even while I’m typing this, I’m thinking of how you won’t believe me because I have bpd so my genuineness won’t come off as truly genuine because you might perceive what I say we just me being a manipulative bpd fag.
I am definitely part of the problem in staying in my relationship. I’m just kind of hoping someone can tell me something to give me enough confidence and safety to make a decision instead of just standing still like I’ve been doing the past 6 months because I’m scared of my own feelings killing me and I’m scared of my choices killing him. I’m very messy, but I’m not in danger right now. Just lonely and need people.
No. 152958
Ladies, I feel like I'm being paranoid and a BPDchan. It's making me ill.
I broke up with my ex a year ago after I caught him cheating on me, but that stupid fucking Joji album has me thinking about the relationship again? He told me all the time that no one would ever love me like he does and he knew I had severe abandonment issues. He pressured me into sex a lot, and even when I said no or stop or whatever he would keep going and eventually I'd just let him? It was okay sex, it hurt a lot but I came at least once each time. None of my friends liked him and because I'm a dumbass BPDchan I thought they didn't like me (because whenever I was with them, he always hung around me and took up my attention) and he let that happen! I would cry about how no one liked me and he would comfort me and keep me away from them. One night I cried about it to my friend because it was so distressing and he told me that the only reason my friend group avoided me was because he was around all the time. Another friend of mine told me that I was a different person when he was around, as well as telling me that he was a manipulative person a separate time.
I just, I don't know. My mom was in an abusive relationship growing up and she taught me all the warning signs. Why didn't I notice them?
He was so shitty. So shitty. He would never improve as a person even though I begged and begged and sobbed and he'd guilt me and tell me he was trying so hard to be perfect for me and wasn't that good enough? He never listened to me and I felt so fucking trapped.
He bought me an engagement ring and asked me to wear it without actually proposing. And I was a fool and fucking did it.
I looked up signs of emotional abuse earlier today because I dunno, I want validation? None of them lined up with what happened to me which makes me feel like I overreacted the whole time. Previously mentioned close friend said that yeah, it was emotional abuse, but I don't know.
I'm sorry, this turned into a vent/blogpost. It's just a lot to process.
No. 152959
>>152958First of all, be a BPD chan all you need to because you’re gonna hear responses whether you like them or not, and it’s best to be honest in the way you’re feeling even if it’s affected by your mental illnesses.
So I have a lot to say, so buckle up. First of all, if someone cheats they have absolutely no room for changing their behavior when it comes to their current choices. He already ruined the relationship he had, he does not deserve your time anymore. However, I understand that letting go after being cheated on is not a simple task, and that’s okay. Listen to me when I say that the things he says about “no one ever loving you like he does” are bullshit to give him the higher ground. He make his fucking bed, and he needs to lie the FUCK down in it.
Next, being pressuring into sex is something I’m familiar with, and it seems to come from
toxic men a lot. It doesn’t matter if eventually you gave in and consented, he never respected you saying no in the first place, and that is enough evidence that he’s a shitty human who didn’t really care for you. I don’t say that to be mean, I say that as someone who gets that the majority of men are cucked by their own dicks.
Your friends are right. He’s a shitty human with control over you. You deserve freedom from this asshole.
Just cause the listed signs of emotional abuse don’t line up right now does NOT mean that it’s not happening. It’s very easy to justify behaviors as better than they are because you don’t want to believe it or you’ve been conditioned to think that the abuse you face isn’t real.
I want to validate your abuse, and I recommend therapy. And please find a therapist you actually trust, and be honest with her. It’s saved my life.
No. 152974
>>152953 >when I mentioned ending up in the hospital, I meant because I am a very emotionally volatile person with BPD (I’m in therapy, I really am trying)I replied to your first post because I picked up it likely being a BPD thing but I wasn't sure if you were diagnosed and getting treatment.
I can relate, in my first relationship I was a mess. I wasn't diagnosed, I lashed out not knowing why I was so emotional all the time and when I was hospitalised after the break up I got diagnosed. I worked my butt off with years of behavioural therapy and regular therapy.
But in my next relationship that guy ended up being 'emotionally volatile' too. He wasn't diagnosed though so as the recovering BPDer I showed so much self control so as not to lash out or be unreasonable… I didn't want to repeat my past..and he was happy to still make out like he was normal and I wasn't. I think that's a hard lesson in itself. That as a recovering person or someone sho is trying you can still fall into taking the blame because some undiagnosed guy feels it's all too convenient to blame you. The fact that I never raised my voice didn't help, the fact that I stayed calm only meant he blew up more and more. Walking away from undiagnosed unhealthy people seems like the next step in getting better.
Sometimes your self esteem is so low that you think you deserve that, but if you're working hard to improve yourself…don't settle for someone who isn't. And maybe stay single for a good while to just sort your own issues out without distraction.
No. 153130
>>152912We're both leaving. Unfortunately we rented it together and it's not a place I can afford on my own so I have to downsize. He also started threatening suicide and told me I should kill myself after he was done, so uh… bullet dodged? Literally? It's definitely for the best for both of us, but holy shit did things go nuclear.
To all the BPD-chans currently in therapy - you all are amazing! My now ex has BPD and has never once willingly stepped foot into a therapist's office despite me repeatedly asking him to do so. Even after he was emotionally
abusive and splitting on me and I gently told him he was hurting me. If he had been willing to do so, maybe he wouldn't be imploding our relationship right now. It's super admirable and responsible for you all to be working hard to address your struggles so both you and potential partners will be healthier. I understand, at least tangentially, how very difficult it is. I wish my ex had done the same, and I still hope he might get better someday because I know it hurts him too. I tried to help him as best I could but in the end he has to want to help himself.
No. 153318
>>153130id stay far away from men with bpd. women with bpd r usually clingy and have a short temper. almost every bpd male ive heard of was an abuser, except one friend i had a few years back who was in therapy.
im sorry this happened, i always feel so bad when people talk about their experience with bpd-chans, shits so normal in my head until i realize it isnt.
No. 153321
File: 1601429384629.jpg (161.99 KB, 1500x1101, 1e335253930d45a184059b9f60995f…)
Anons, I was in an awful hellish relationship with an entitled narc scrote who used and abused me but after the breakup I got a little revenge:
Pissed and shat on his clothes and rubbed it in so it's not noticeably visible, allowed it to dry outside via on the washing rack so when he sees them he'll think they're washed and wear them. The air will also weaken the smell so he won't know but he'll still be wearing my shit and piss
Cut up some of his clothes and cut holes in his underwear where his asshole would be
Cut into all his shoes (very unnoticable) so when he puts them on when it's raining his feet will be soaked, damp and cold
Mixed bleach in the remaining liquid detergent (half and half) so when he goes to use it, his clothes will be fucked lol
Pissed on his baseball cap so he'll put it on without knowing and essentially have my piss on his head
And left everything for him to clean up; The toilet is a mess, he can scrub my shit off the toilet, he can wash all the dishes I used, he can throw out all the garbage and clean up and pick up after me for once.
Then I simply left and went back home and he has no idea where I am because I never gave him that information.
I did this for myself and all the girls out there who been treated like shit and anyone abused. This is for you. And yes I am proud of doing this, it made me feel good and gave me many good laughs.
No. 153368
>>153352Anon being afraid of pregnancy is so normal. I had to take a pregnancy test this time last year, and it was the scariest thing. Waiting for that result is the longest minute of your life but at least you know and can hopefully move from there.
You obviously know he’ll be supportive if you want to do it with him, and I also waited for my bf to get home before taking mine just so I could cry at him and make him make the calls for me. Do it with him, but do it soon. The longer you wait the more it eats you up inside.
Good luck and I hope you’re happy with the results either way, or if not, can handle them at least!!
No. 153372
>>153352Wishing you luck anon, you're certainly not the first woman to freeze up when it comes to this! It's very understandable.
Hope you face it soon and that whatever the result is.. you can find a plan.
No. 153427
This isn't exactly the type of question that would normally get posted in these threads but I'm hoping some people with more experience than me could give me some advice.
I turned 24 this past week and I haven't been in a relationship since I was 21, nor had sex since then or had any kind of partner. It was my one and only proper relationship and I lost my virginity to him, and we lasted less than 6 months before I found out he cheated on me in a totally disturbing way, making me get trust issues and not want to be in a relationship. I'm still in university, I have about 2 more years, so I'm starting to seriously think about what the fuck I'm going to do once I graduate. I always thought I'd be married by the time I'm 30 (at most!) and now I'm starting to think even that won't happen.
Basically my question is, how do I go about finding a guy to date online? I have never been into the prospect of e-dating or LDR. However, I live in Europe, and dating out of country here isn't that weird I guess. And it would be extremely rare for me to find a man I actually like in my own country. I don't know where to look, and I'm not a femcel or desperate, I just easily put myself into this situation where I can go years without intimacy until I really start to feel lonely. I haven't even spoken to most of my friends since the stupid virus started because I'm so paranoid about contracting it and giving it to my family, so it's just easier to cut off contact with them.
I don't know if this sounds more like a rant than an explanation, but to reiterate, I'm looking for advice on where to find men online, say I have a thing for Scandinavian dudes for example, where would I go about finding them without Tinder and all that shit because I'm not looking for a fuck. I've tried Instagram but there's just too much to weed out and it seems mostly women geotag their photos.
No. 153454
>>153374I don't think you're overly emotional. I think you have unmet emotional needs, and they're spilling over into your relationship. Most likely this guy you're dating is actually just
triggering worse feelings because he's emotionally unavailable and, as you say "difficult to talk to." I do think you need to seek therapy and work through some of these issues, but just know that the way you feel isn't your fault. These feelings don't come from nowhere, and are often a result of a neglectful/
abusive upbringing. Unfortunately, we tend to seek out partners who remind us of our parents as a way to "fix" the trauma, but it almost never works out that way.
If you've tried communicating this with your boyfriend and it hasn't helped, you guys probably aren't a good match, I'm sorry to say. Not that he's necessarily responsible for your feelings, but it's normal to seek reassurance from our partners, and they should be able to reciprocate. Good partners will help soothe us when we're feeling bad, but will also encourage us to be more independent if we're getting to the point that we're being "clingy."
No. 153495
>>153427Don't give up hope about men from your own country. I was only into Mediterranean guys (scandinavian here), or so I thought, until I met my current bf who's from my own country. Turns out I just like short guys lmfao.
And dating within your own country makes it so much easier. Just find a discord chat related to your hobby that's in your language. Don't go on there with the prospect of dating but just to meet men and make friends. Don't get attached to or give too much attention to the guys that give you a lot of attention as long as you haven't seen a face pic. Be wary of discord gamers and don't try to date someone who's online 24/7, even if your life may look like that currently.
That or local facebook groups. I've made friends through plant swaps and a vegan group but it's mostly girls.
No. 153497
>>153495This gives me hope. Glad to hear things worked out for you, but I really am not attracted to guys from my own country on a personality level foremost and then looks lmfao. Our situations are reversed, I'm from a sort of Mediterranean county into Scandi guys.
Do you think it's possible to meet mostly normal guys on Discord? Seems like a good option but I'm so wary of incels, actual misogynists, etc.
No. 153498
>>153497It's possible, just harder than it would be through a normal dating app or IRL. Your standards should be very high. Alcoholism or daily weed use should be an instant dealbreaker and a good/ambitious job a requirement. At 24 you shouldn't be dating college guys anymore (especially not if they're from Scandinavia) unless they're doing a PhD. If you're in a server and the culture seems edgy or misogynistic just leave and find a new one.
And be wary of gamers. Can't repeat that enough lol.
No. 153591
>>153590This is a tough one, anon. You definitely need to talk to her about it, because it seems like you're already starting to resent her behaviour and you've only been dating for 5 months. It will probably make her sad (or even lash out at you) and feel misunderstood, but it's a conversation that absolutely needs to happen. Try to be as nice and understanding as possible when you're telling her this, but don't budge. If she really loves and trusts you, she will understand and respect your wishes, no matter how insecure she is.
Ultimately, I think your girlfriend has some issues; she sounds like she has anxiety, insecurity, fear of abandonment and issues with being alone and she needs to be made aware of that. Does she have a therapist?
No. 153593
>>153590>>153591samefag; maybe something like "gf, I love you a lot, you mean the world to me and I enjoy spending time with you. Please keep in mind, though, that I also like spending time alone once in a while. I've been feeling pressured and somewhat guilty lately, because you've been wanting to spend so much time with me and you told me that you've been crying over having to wait until the weekend to hang out. I miss you too but I also enjoy having some alone time and I don't mind waiting for something good. I feel like you might have some fear of abandoment/being alone and I can assure you that I'm here for you and that I'll still be here when the weekend comes around, and the one after that and the one after that. I hope you can respect my standpoint and if there's anything you'd like to ask or talk about regarding this, please do."
This is just an idea for what you could write/say to her. (I'm ESL and I'm definitely not a psychologist but maybe this can serve as an inspiration anyway.) Good luck, anon!
No. 153599
>>153593Thank you anon, I'll take into consideration the way you worded it for sure. I really don't want to hurt her.. cause it seems as it's all I do when I do bring issues up (like about how she wants to move here, she said it sounds like I want to break up with her if I don't want her to live here)
I feel like she misinterprets a lot of things I say cause I'm the first person she is in a relationship with that isn't a yes-man. We talked about it and when she was dating men they would never discuss things through with her, and would just do whatever she wanted.
I love her, love spending time with her. She's great. I just wish she wasn't making ME the whole center of her universe.
And no, she doesn't have a therapist. We did discuss that in correlation to other issues she should start seeing one, but she doesn't even seem to understand how therapy works. I told her that maybe her being sad often is something she should bring up in therapy when she goes, and she told me "oh the therapy would be for my anger issues not sadness" I had to explain to her therapy is about all of her, not just one part.. She's 21, just seems a bit naive sometimes.
No. 153678
>>153670>I know that even one year after the relationship ended he was still thinking about her. I'm sure she gleaned that with her mind reading powers.
>I have common friendsHe talks about it with his friends and she hears it from the grapevine. Hence, he talks about his ex.
No. 153681
I think I ruined my relationship over a load of laundry. Recently I've been low on money and so has my live-in boyfriend so we started doing laundry at his parents house to save money. I don't go with him, he does both of our laundry for us since I don't really like hanging out at his home. Without going into details I just feel really uncomfortable over there, it's a big family and I'm trying to stay away from people because I have an auto-immune disorder and am trying to avoid getting covid. Anyway, last time he did laundry he washed all of my clothes on warm and now ALL of my laundry is blue because he didn't separate colors. It was a full load, too. I asked him what happened, did he put his new jeans in with mine? Did he put in his tie-dye shirt? Eventually I needled out he didn't use cold even though I never wash my clothes with warm and he knows it. He basically denied it happened and I nagged him until I found out what happened – I wanted to know so we could prevent it happening again. Eventually after 10 minutes I started raising my voice which led to me screaming and yelling like a psycho about how hundreds of dollars worth of my clothes are ruined and why isn't he even apologizing? As deserved he told me to do my own fucking laundry, but I'm still so fucking pissed.
This man is almost 30 years old, how does he not know that colors need to be separated or on cold? I fucking taught him how to do laundry because I was sick of always being the one to do it.
He went to stay with his parents for the weekend and told me to move out which of course he took back the second he got there. I don't really know what advice I want, I think I'm definitely in the wrong but like why didn't he immediately say, "oh shit I'm sorry I ruined your clothes" or even at least admit he fucked up? How can he ever learn from his mistakes if he doesn't admit he did them? Also last night I found melted butter all over the stove top and under the burners because he cooked. I had to clean the stove and burn off the butter and the house was filled with smoke. This is a man who doesn't know how to cook but is trying to learn. I feel so sick of being his mommy, like I encourage him, wow honey thanks so much for cleaning! but then later I have to just go back and do everything again because he did it as well as a child would. No one ever made him do chores or cooking or his own laundry before he moved in with me. I'm so exhausted mentally but other than those things I do really love him a lot and I think he loves me. It's just like what do I do when he's so slow to catch up to adulthood? We've been living together almost 2 years and he STILL can't competently clean up his messes. I feel like it's turning me into a misandrist and an asshole because I often find myself thinking "how can you be so stupid and spoiled!" I feel ungrateful because he is trying but it's putting me on edge so much. Also I'm starting a new birth control and it's giving me terrible mood swings and he won't cut me any slack if I act cunty. Idk. Sorry for the long rant.
No. 153683
>>153678No he don't talk about her at all actually, he mentioned her only when we talked about our ex-relationships
I have common friends with the girl, it's my friends who told me how popular and hot she is, and that he talked to her before we started dating.
No. 153694
>>153688No, he's being super sweet and respectful with me. He's also kinda shy and didn't had that much sexual partners which i appreciate. But I don't know him since a very long time and i'm so afraid of being hurt. He's really good-looking and a lot of girls are interested so I'm afraid because I don't feel like I'm as good as he seems to believe I am.
I'm extremely insecure, and men in the past have always lied to me, used me as a sexual object and played with my feelings. So I'm not used to have someone being that nice with me and it really scares me
Honestly I realize that this isn't even the good thread to post in, but i'm so scared to shit about this relationship that i need to vent.
sorry for my bad english
No. 153695
>>153681I don't think you are even in the wrong. You're right if he's nearly 30 he should either know this stuff already or be a big enough person to simply apologise for ruining your clothes… both lessons he should've learnt before ever moving out of his parents. If you damage peoples belongings you at the very least say sorry but usually replace it too. You said money is tight but saying sorry costs nothing!
>As deserved he told me to do my own fucking laundryHow do you feel like that was deserved? You already said he barely cleans anything or he messes things up so you still need to go back over it.. the solution is always you doing more work and him not. Convenient lol
>He went to stay with his parents for the weekend and told me to move out >How can he ever learn from his mistakes if he doesn't admit he did them?Girl the red flags right here, I don't think you're just hormonal. I'm kind of pissed that you're blaming yourself or your hormones when dealing with this shit. He approaching 30? This behaviour won't change.
No. 153707
>>153701Even when it wasn't the COVID era we didn't actually do anything outside of the house lol. Mostly because it was the middle of the week and neither of us could get extra time off. We made each other dinner (swapped meals, basically) at home, drank some wine, gave each other presents, watched a new movie we rented on Amazon and then had sex several times.
If you want to do something outside the house, can you guys go on a road trip somewhere fairly close? Like a nearby city you haven't been to or a fancy hotel where you can get spa treatments and shit? I've noticed some places opening back up and I'm in a hot spot (west coast of USA).
No. 153795
File: 1601753588987.jpeg (314.58 KB, 2048x1526, EjPk5I2VgAI6A0b.jpeg)
There's this one cute guy I've been seeing for a couple of months, but some things about him really bother me. Idk if the relationship is worth saving (keep in mind he is VERY cute and nice most of the time).
>lives with his mom, works minimum wage job, college dropout (to be fair he is 24)
>doesn't know how to do any basic chores
>gets angry really easily, but also calms down fast
>keeps a bowl of dirty tissues on his desk… never cleaned them up when i was visiting him
>never asked me out on a proper dinner date, constantly asks me if i wanna hang out at his place, or if he can visit me
>washes his hair like once a week… and his hair is rlly greasy
>i've noticed he already started balding a little
Besides that, he is 100% my type physically which is rare (he has a rlly cute face and is skinny). And he is nice most of the time. He smells nice. Has a very cute cat. I don't know, I kinda like him, but he can be a little annoying sometimes.
No. 153813
>>153808Yes anon. And it's transparent.
>>153811Guys with Aspergers are always overweight and they have ugly faces.
No. 153831
>>153820I agree with
>>153823 the arguments are only going to happen more often/get worse if you're having them so soon. This is supposed to be the honey moon phase of your relationship after all. He honestly sounds exhausting to deal with and I feel like after a while you're going to get fed up with him not dealing with his emotions in a healthy and mature manner.
No. 153846
>>153826Erm, no. Sorry but that friend’s advice is bullshit. Some arguing in any relationship is fine, but it’s HOW you argue that determines whether your relationship is healthy or
toxic. It’s fine for a man (or anyone) to be sensitive, but the correct response would be him saying, “Hey, xyz makes me uncomfortable and I tend to overreact a bit, would you mind avoiding that topic? Thanks!” Not ranting and nagging you into submission then complaining when you actually stop the behavior that affects him. He sounds like a man child at best and a BPD-chan at worst (I’m serious, and if he’s untreated that is a huge deal and something you are unlikely to be prepared for). Also…
> I just leave things that bother me alone and I dont bring them up to avoid making him unhappy. HUGE red flag. You are unable to communicate about your own issues within the relationship because you don’t feel safe and comfortable enough to do so. While you’re damned if you do damned if you don’t for addressing his issues. This is not normal or healthy behavior anon, and it’s been a single fucking month. He is showing you his ass, don’t ignore the massive warning signs and either nip this in the bud now or get out.
No. 154048
>>154041They started talking online (live in the same city) and playing games together online.
>>154045Guy and his girlfriend have been together 3 months, don't know any intimate details about the relationship.
No. 154063
>>154049Guy and his gf are not long distance, all 3 of them live close to each other.
>>154057It's not got to do with me rather two of the people involved are my friends and I just wanted to hear opinions because I've been in a similar situation before and I was in the place of the guy, that's how I met my current bf so yeah.
No. 154202
File: 1602038995899.jpg (51.42 KB, 421x507, 234235346.JPG)
how do i feel less shit about having been the one who dumped all of my exes? i just kind of left a trail of exes because i used to be quick to date someone, then realized there's no way we could spend our lives together
i've received so many angry messages from exes in the past, and a couple keep sending me flowers–probably a lame attempt at wooing me back–and all of it combined makes me feel like a bad person
No. 154542
File: 1602253956859.jpeg (91.21 KB, 736x736, FA1D2C05-D4A2-468C-88CD-EADDB2…)
How should I proceed with having a boyfriend who has no personality? His attitude is pretty good, he doesn’t act like the typical guy who’s severely lacking in empathy but it drives me mad that he almost never talks about himself nor his personal life. We only talk about our hobbies which made our relationship have barely any problems nor arguments. I usually find personal family topics from his oversharing sister, it feels pretty awful that he doesn’t really share any family news but I guess thats just me being noisy.
I feel like I landed a great relationship but I feel so greedy that I want a guy where I could hold a conversation with besides my hobbies and have a deeper personal connection with life. We’ve been dating 3 years online and have met each other a handful of times before the pandemic. He’s pretty nice and has no red flags, should I just suck it up and realize I won’t get anyone better? I always hear stories on here with anons having the worse relationships ever and I just feel really greedy that I want a guy who could open up to me… I’m not even sure what a relationship means to me as well. Maybe I should be content with having a partner who unconditionally loves me and supports me.
No. 154548
>>154542Reading your post and feeling like, hm, this is odd but then I've finally reached the core problem
>We’ve been dating 3 years online and have met each other a handful of times before the pandemic.No matter how much you want it, "dating online" doesn't even come close to the intimacy you build in a relationship in which you see each other in person often / on the daily basis. There's no way to really reproduce that. I'm sure you could build more intimacy and space for openness in a few weeks/months you'd spend together in person than you already did during these 3 years. If you believe in this relationship it has to stop being long distance. If neither of you is willing to close the distance though, you'll not achieve anything more.
No. 154549
my boyfriend is a very sick man, and all my family and friends think he's evil, but i think he's just a tortured person who needs love and care.
our relationship is largely characterised by the following issues
>he blocks me for extended periods of time, usually following a breakup, and tells me it's over
>we get back together after about 3 months or so of being blocked by him
>he has a weird friendship with his ex, she simps for him& comments shit like 'i love you' on all his statuses and constantly talks shit about me, makes theories about me, as though she doesnt have her own life
>he will tell me during these blocking periods that he does not love me and never did
i recently visited him in a foreign country and when i got back, he blocked me for exposing our relationship which he was trying to keep secret.
when i went to visit him, he begged me to stay and asked me to quit my job to stay with him. his cousin also told me he seemed much happier with me there.
i dont know what to do. his mum knows him very well and says his 'i dont love you/i was just lonely' is bullshit.
like i said, he is very mentally ill. i dont know what to do. every time he blocks me, i cry my eyes out for weeks until he gets back in touch with me, it's a cycle.
i am physically unable to walk away from him despite everyone telling me to.
No. 154553
>>154549Excuse me but are you fucking stupid
Seriously
No. 154554
>>154549your boyfriend is an
abusive cunt, love yourself and leave his sorry ass
No. 154556
>>154554so? he has a mental illness and doesn't realise he's being
abusive. he just needs love. he has no one else.
>>154553Yes.
No. 154557
>>154556You do realise this is a relationship advice thread, right? You already sound decided on being stuck in this
abusive relationship. If that's what you want, then it's your own prerogative. All I can say is get some therapy, anon.
No. 154562
>>154549Here's some advice anon: If you truly love this man, you will leave him. Because right now you are codependent and enabling his poor behavior which is not only harming you, but him.
I believe love is kindness, passion and a choice. It is the choice that you are going to do the best you possibly can for that person because you want them to be happy and healthy, even if it means letting them go. When someone asked if the cycle of breaking up/getting back together would be acceptable for the rest of your life, you said -
>if that's what it costs to be with the man i love, then yes.You are fucking selfish. This isn't love, it's obsession and dependency. If you really wanted to help him, you would tell him to seek a mental health professional to address his problems that you cannot solve for him. You would then maintain that boundary because it would show him there are real consequences for being a shithead rather than knowing he can keep getting you back by engaging in the same flippant, destructive behavior he always has. You are part of the problem.
If you ever had or have a drop of real affection for this person, tell him to get help, get counseling for yourself as well, and work on developing some real self love rather than attempting to force an ill man to fill the wound in your incomplete heart.
No. 154566
>>154554well said, anon
i suppose i know what i must do. i miss him so fucking much tho
No. 154578
File: 1602270372230.jpeg (4.96 KB, 163x310, download (1).jpeg)
I'm anxious and worried that my bf has no motivation for wanting to take on higher responsibilities at his job in order to make more money because he's comfortable where he is.
For the record he makes $19/hr, so I'm not being a golddigger I'm just trying to avoid poverty. I've asked him before if he'd try to apply to be a higher paid supervisor or manager but he said he didn't want to because he would not be able to spend as much time with me and he'd have way more work which would stress him out.
He said he wants a house and family with me but like…if he doesn't want to make more money it's only going to increase my burden if I choose to reproduce because it means I will have to work doubly hard. I will have to work throughout pregnancy up until I pop, post partum, and all throughout my child's life. I believe he would step up in some ways, but I am under no delusion that I wouldn't be in charge of the majority of parenting and household management–and on top of my own work–that sounds like a nightmare. I read posts on r/breakingmom and so many women are in those depressingly hopeless situations. I don't make much more than he does, but between us both he is more likely to be chosen for managerial positions that will pay more (on the grounds that he is a male–which is another heartbreaking topic) I've just come to accept that because I'm a short woman who still looks young that I will never be taken seriously at the workplace despite my degrees and experiences and effort. So far, I'm not wrong. The least I can say about my job is that it isn't stressful either but I get zero benefits. The difference is I can do relatively little about it besides keep rolling dice and having to start over someplace else. Meanwhile he can be promoted if only he'd want it.
I can understand the value of not being stressed at work and being complacent where one is, but he needs to make more money.
I'm not saying I never want to work again but ideally I would like to be a SAHM up until my children are school aged so at least I can be more involved with them in the ways my own parents never were. Daycare is so expensive to boot that it would pretty much negate my income anyway even if I bucked up and tried to juggle that. I hate to sound mercenary but I know from my own childhood experience that parents who are constantly low on money often don't make the best decisions for their kids, or that they can't due to it.
What can I do to make him understand that if he's serious about these things that he will need to sacrifice his comfort?
The only way I can think to make him see the light is presenting a fake budget as if we were married with a mortgage and kids. I want to lay out all of our debts and emphasis how even if nothing were to happen to us, that our collective $40/hr income would be just scraping by.
No. 154581
>>154549It sounds like he's been with other women and that's why they post I love you on his fb and got mad at you for saying you were together. His mum probably thinks he does no wrong and you shouldn't listen to her she raised the
abusive cunt.
No. 154586
>>154578Idk anon, I'm sorry for the position you're in but this sounds like so much work and effort on your part. You shouldn't have to create a complete imaginary budget for this guy to face reality. For him to not even remotely see things as they are, but still want to take on the huge physical, emotional and financial burden of having kids is just… delusional.
I mean, you could make the budget. At least then you could say you tried to show him the light. But from the way he's talking it sounds like he just wants to coast by in life and enjoy all the benefits of kids without doing any of the actual work. You do NOT want to be the one taking on all those responsibilities yourself, as you say. You'll be better off finding someone who understands all the positives and stresses that having kids entails, and who is already in a position to provide more. Sometimes you can love someone but sadly it's not enough.
No. 154591
>>154549>i am physically unable to walk away from him despite everyone telling me to.You're clearly not 'physically unable', and the longer you use language like this the more trapped you'll be.
>>154556>doesn't realise he's being abusiveBut he realises he can treat you however he wants and you'll let him do it.
>he just needs loveThen why has all the love you've poured into him not worked?
Also, everything you find sad and pathetic about his ex's behaviour is you. You and his ex are acting the the same. Every time he has you blocked, he's in a relationship with her, that's why he was angry for 'exposing' him. You might not even be his favourite girlfriend.
I don't really give a fuck about you, I don't know you, but you came into a relationship advice thread to show off about your very clearly awful boyfriend and have been hostile to every reply. Get well soon I guess.
Everyone else give thanks you're not this person.
No. 154600
should education be a dealbreaker in a relationship?
I'm in the process of getting two bachelor's degrees and am planning to get further education as well. my bf wants to stop after his associates. I love him- he treats me well, is consistent with his behavior, pays on dates, treats me the same around his friends, opens doors/pulls out chairs, puts effort into seeing me, and continued to pursue me even though dating me was not convenient due to my strict parents. Yet sometimes I feel like if the relationship continues to be successful, how would it feel to be a career woman who has spent almost a decade in higher education with a man who has had two? Will we be able to have intelligent conversations? Education means so much to me, pretty much the most important thing to me after my family. It's not like he is lazy though, he works hard in his job, wants to pick up another job (while finishing his last semester). He has ambitions for the future, knows the value of work and money, all our values line up there. It's just education he is not apt for due to adhd and anxiety, and also not just being the type for it.
No. 154603
>>154600To me it sounds like you're throwing away something really good if you let education be a dealbreaker. He's not a duplicate of you, there's going to be some differences between you two and that's perfectly normal and good.
It's up to you. Education can be a dealbreaker if you let it be, but it doesn't have to be. Especially considering he's not uneducated and hardworking.
No. 154615
>>154605Have you two talked about this? Imo if the rest of your relationship is that good, this should be a fairly surmountable problem if you both put effort in. I would determine how much sex you'd ideally be having (x times a week) and also think about what gets you in the mood (if not your partner, then what turn-ons you have in general). Then just be upfront with him: "I love you so much but I've been feeling kind of disappointed in our sex life lately. I'd like to have sex more often, but I don't want to feel like the only one who wants it. Would you be open to initiating like 2x a week, maybe by [doing whatever stuff you like]?
If he's supportive then I don't see why he wouldn't want to do this. If he doesn't step up, then yes that can be a problem. Or if he steps up and you're still having trouble really engaging mentally. In that case you may want to talk with a therapist and see if there's more going on preventing you from enjoying sex like you used to. You might want to think about what's changed that might be putting you off or if it's just his lack of initiation making you feel undesired. I'd also ask his opinions. Maybe there are things you could do to help him feel excited more often in turn.
No. 154627
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There´s this guy I really like, I met him on the Internet, so we are not from the same country, it´s not a problem aside from me usually messing up with my English, but I want to visit him one day, or invite him to my house here in Latin America I don´t want to reveal where I´m from exactly kek
He is from the USA, and he tries to understand that I am not used to his life style and culture, since I just have a very superficial knowledge of the USA, but I really want to not feel like a bother when I get the chance to visit him, on the same way that I don´t want to make him feel uncomfortable for not being used to my country as a whole.
If there are any anons with long distance relationships or frienships, can I ask for some advice? Especially with the language thing, even if I mess up from time to time with english, I can still hold a conversation, but he doesn´t understand spanish, so I wanted to know if someone could give me advice.
No. 154682
>>154621I approach men I want. But I’m very dominant sexually as well.
Tbh it’s kind of turn off if man approaches me.
No. 154687
>>154684What, how I’m invisible to them? That was my first reply to this thread.
Men are simple creatures and women are too stupid to understand that.
No. 154718
>>154704You might be overthinking it but I think it's a good instinct to check yourself when it's to do with race and preferences.
Where do your ideas and images about Asian men come from? It is only some of them? How many do you know personally, what are they like? What kinds of stereotypes are you consciously or unconsciously associating with these real life men? Do you appreciate Asian men when they're expressing their culture or only when they're white-acting?
I don't mean to interrogate you, these are the sorts of questions you could be asking yourself to work out where this thing comes from and if it's healthy.
You sound like a thoughtful person aware of your perspective, but your lack of exposure with Asian people means that maybe your fascination with Asian men might have more to do with their exoticness at the moment (And maybe too much time spent on chan boards haha). If you don't have the exposure, all you have to go on are assumptions about people that may be harmful and wrong.
I say hang out with more Asian people and find reasons to like them that are to do with your experience rather than your inexperience. Godspeed and I hope you find a cute Asian bf.
No. 154720
>>154718Thank you for replying to me, I appreciate it!
I actually grew up in a more multicultural place, and recently left another place with a relatively high Asian population, to move to a place which is 97.2% white. I have been friends with a few Asian men (not many), and actually had a huge crush on a guy who I saw a few times in my old job (he was very charming imo, but again was that just because he was Asian and I didn't see him much? He had a gf anyway)
I think you're right re: finding more Asian people to see if it is just a curiosity thing. I'm not a huge consumer of kpop or kdrama or even anime and I really don't know where it's come from, maybe it's because I live in a place that's so white now.
Thank you once again, I definitely need to think about it a bit more. It's nice to be able to post these things sometimes and I felt like I was going a bit mad keeping it to myself.
No. 154772
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A few months ago, my ex reached back out to me after ghosting me for 2 months after he broke up with me. He left me because he was “feeling depressed and overwhelmed.” Those were 2 of the most emotionally excruciating months of my life. I was ecstatic when he wanted to talk to me again. He says that he doesn’t know if he wants a future with me yet and I want to be patient with him, but it hurts me.
We were just videochatting with each other and the lack of affection he expressed depressed me. I wish he loved me. I can’t cut him off. I’d regret it. I love still him even if I don’t even know he loves me back. I just feel like crying. When I think about when we first met, and how loving he was, I cry.
No. 154787
>>154772That sounds awful. I know it seems impossible to cut him off when you feel so emotionally and romantically dependent on him, but honestly it would be the best thing to do. You don't want to stay in contact out of vague hope while it's just making you feel more desperate and miserable in the long run. It's like an addiction you need to shake: when he contacts you you get a rush of happiness but chances are that after you finish a videocall you end up feeling worse than before.
If you really want to keep going, make sure to stand up for yourself and get a straight answer from him about whether or not he wants to get back with you. He's just wasting your time if he doesn't and you're setting yourself up for even more heartbreak in the future. I know you want to be patient but if you take all this shit you're just letting him know he can pull whatever assholery he wants without consequences. And honestly, he doesn't seem like that great a person if he has no issue toying with your feelings like that.
No. 154788
>>154771>Also his dp on his laptop is him and his ex. Ok, this is actually weird and a red flag, but the rest could easily be completely fine. Being a photographer, obviously he will talk with many women and be friends with some of them too, that's how it is; heart emojis can be just being nice depending on what's in the messages and how he talks to other people; and from what you say it sounds like he was not hiding anything from you, so you should be completely fine bringing that up - just say that the other day you've noticed he uses a lot of hearts talking to that woman and is it how he usually talks with models he works with, don't be worried about being honest and telling it's making you feel insecure. Avoiding it will definitely not help because, given it's his profession so things like these will continue to happen.
Btw, a photographer I know has his gf sometimes assist him on set, help with light setting and set building; also her presence makes models feel more comfortable because it helps to have another woman there too, maybe you could do sometihng similar?
No. 154934
>>154704Another anon replied regarding your own perspective, but when it comes to this -
>I feel like as a white woman they'd assume I'm not interested or that it's some fetish I can assure you the vast majority of Asian men will not feel upset about your preference. In the end they are just guys like any others and appreciate female attention. I don't know where you live but I'm in the US, and although k-pop/anime has caused some change in perspective, Asian guys still often suffer from negative stereotypes ("weak, feminine, small dick, only care about work/academics"). For someone to prefer them rather than outright exclude them when it comes to dating, as I've seen some do, is a good thing.
Fwiw I've always had a preference for Asian men and it's not that deep, I just find the more common east Asian features attractive. My boyfriend is Asian and he knows this. He doesn't feel fetishized because I've never, like, made it a point to say "woo I'm so lucky to have my hot ASIAN bf, please say something in Chinese, can I borrow your mom's hanfu, omg I love dumplings" lol. Just treat them like humans rather than a merit badge to show off and you'll be fine.
No. 154935
>>154860Nta but it sounds like you've already expressed your feelings and needs. You can rephrase it five different ways but it's pretty clear he's made the choice to leave you in relationship limbo. The question is, are you really okay with that? You are putting your entire life on hold because this guy
might eventually want you back. That's callous and selfish of him.
Things aren't going to go back to how they were anon, you need to recognize that the portion of life you're reminiscing about is over and this is just how things are now. Depressed or not, people are still capable of cognizant thought while dealing with mental illness, and they can choose to be more considerate and caring. He's not doing that for you, and he's literally already made the choice to abandon you before. He's not that much of a catch.
No. 154939
>>154934>"woo I'm so lucky to have my hot ASIAN bf, please say something in Chinese, can I borrow your mom's hanfu, omg I love dumplings"Just found my perfect Bumble opener, thanks! /s
I appreciate your response, really. I definitely don't associate (or at least consciously associate) Asian men with being weak or anything like that, they have just as much potential to be moids as the rest of them, I just suddenly find them really attractive when before I was attracted to them but not as a focused thing like this, I guess?
Thank you for your input, lots to think about!
No. 154979
>>154720> recently left another place with a relatively high Asian populationOh from what you said I thought you'd grown up in this monoethnic place! Makes sense you would experience a sudden jump in thirst.
I'm seconding
>>154934 to sum up yeah just don't be a thirsty weeb about it, listen more than you talk or assume about other people's cultures, don't be a dick. You're gonna be fine.
No. 155023
>>154772literally here in this exact spot rn. i love my ex dearly but he constantly blocks me for months on end. it’s a horrific cycle. but when he’s back, i’m so happy and things are so fucking good.
this is the way i’ll be living for the rest of my life i guess, if that’s what he costs.
No. 155028
File: 1602584349584.png (249.5 KB, 500x489, D4CB78AB-0F90-49E1-8D85-DB1DD0…)
>>155023I’m the anon you replied to. I feel you so hard. Before he left me, he was rarely affectionate and I was honestly very unhappy the majority of the relationship. But whenever I’d get a crumb of affection from him, it was like a drug.
I think I read another post by you about your situation and I wish I could convince you to leave him, but I know how intoxicating love/affection can be after periods of starvation for it. You don’t deserve to keep going through this painful relationship cycle anon.
>>154935>Things aren't going to go back to how they were anon, you need to recognize that the portion of life you're reminiscing about is over and this is just how things are now. You’re right anon. Things really won’t ever be the same and it hurts. I hate that I was building a future with him and he left a giant gash in my heart. I have a lot to think about and it’s not easy.
No. 155060
there's this guy who have been clearly interested in me, we went on a date 10 days ago, and it went really well. He seemed super into it ,we kissed and he told me "see u next time" at the end of our date.
i dm him on insta, told him i loved our date and would do it again, and he told me he felt the same.
one week later, i asked him once again, he said yes but canceled and told me he's only available this week (the one that just started)
two days after, he reacted to my story with heart emojis, i only liked his message because what else should i do.
we havent interacted since, it's been 6 days
i don't really get him and it's super annoying, everything was going so well but now he seems distant
what do you girls think went wrong? did i gave him too much attention? was i too clingy?
if he ask me again this week, what should i say? i like him but this is already so exhausting
(he's a gemini btw)
No. 155061
>>155060>he's a geminiruuuuun sis, run!
>did i gave him too much atention? was i too clingy? imo, no; and if you have to adjust your behaviour in order to apeace him, he's not worth it.
No. 155063
>>155060You didn't do anything wrong. There's a simple thing to remember in the dating world that will ensure you only end up guys who are really into you: If someone is truly interested they will contact you and make time for you, no matter how busy they are.
Don't chase him, he's just doing the bare minimum needed to keep you "on the hook" in case he decides whatever other girls he's pursuing right now don't pan out. You deserve much more than that. He's already causing you stress and you two aren't even together. Not worth.
No. 155064
>>155061omg ;-; my boyfriend is a gemini, is that bad?
if so, his venus is in taurus, does that make it better?
No. 155065
>>155064i dont know a lot but in my experience all geminis are exhausting and selfish as fuck. scrotes are even worse, manipulative narcs with a
victim complex
No. 155075
>>155074argghhh this is my worst nightmare! that he may think I don't like him as much as I do
I just have a really difficult time talking on the phone, even with my family that i've known for YEARS. I might call him tn and have a lengthier than usual convo with him :/
No. 155081
>>155066>>155069Have to agree. Giving bad advice based on mysticism isn't harmless. Your magic stars bias could fuck up someone's relationship.
Sure, they'd have to be a smoothbrain to let the advice of a stranger on the lolcow get to them, but astrology is still objectively the most retarded metric to judge a person. Seriously this shit makes women look stupid. It's embarrassing.
No. 155087
>>155084lmao inb4 infighting but…no? It's not? I get it, astrology is fun, but it has absolutely 0 scientific basis. There's no proof that your personality is in any way shaped by the alignment of the planets/stars when you were born. The "accuracy" of astrology is only due to confirmation bias and the Barnum effect.
please see:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrology_and_science No. 155114
So I’ve been in a really wonderful relationship with my girlfriend for the past year and a half. We love each other a lot and talk about adopting and starting a family together someday. Most aspects of our relationship are near perfect, except for our sex life.
We had a lot of amazing sex at first, but have basically been in lesbian bed death for about a year now. It’s not that I’m not interested, I very much am, it’s that my partner has been working through a lot of sexual abuse trauma and has been unavailable for sex as a result. I understand trauma and try to be as compassionate, patient, and empathetic as I can, but I’ve also felt hurt and rejected. Although I commend her for working through her hard shit, it hasn’t exactly been easy, and tensions have built.
My gf and I have talked a bit about her trauma and some things that happened, but there was always something they kept secret and didn’t want to tell me. Finally, the other day she confesses that she spent about 2-3 years having chronic compulsive sex with men, and when she wasn’t meeting up irl, she was entertaining them on cam sites. It really fucked her up to the point where she still struggles with sex to this day, even though I’m not a man and she loves and feels safe with me.
The reason why I’m looking for advice is that, ever since she’s shared these details about her history with me, I’ve been completely shut down sexually. Like there’s no way I could imagine us going there right now. The mental images in my mind of what she was doing honestly gross me out, and I feel ashamed of myself for even responding this way, but I’m totally turned off. I also feel ashamed seeing her try to flirt with me or tease me, I just think, “how many guys have you done this to?” Like nothing feels personal or exciting to me anymore.
You guys..what should I do? I’m just a life long lesbian who hates men & our pornsick culture, and this information is reeeeally hard for me. Am I being too much of a prude, or something? Should I try to suck it up? I feel bad about myself for this but turned off by her, even though I love her. Any opinions or advice would be really appreciated, I’m at a loss
No. 155161
>>155114I can relate, it’s super tough. I’m trying to think of how my partner and I even moved past this… it was a lot of effort to work on ourselves individually and we also never stopped trying to engage intimately with each other. Also time. My scenario is somewhat different because I’m straight, but there were issues with him being “present” and able to enjoy sex. Found out there was abuse in his past, and he had this period where he engaged in a bunch of drunken, drug-fueled orgies to desensitize himself to sex. Looking back he just felt repulsed and dirty, but hearing about it really put me off and made me doubt whether he actually found sex with me meaningful at all.
So a couple points. You say your partner is working on moving past her trauma, but if she wants to be in a relationship, she needs to make you feel desired and engage sensually in
some form. Maybe that’s not sex outright for the time being, but what about extended makeout sessions? Full-body massages? Reading or watching something erotic together? Doing some type of sensation play? You sound like a kind and empathetic partner, which is great, but you have to make sure your needs are being satisfied too. Thankfully there are a lot of ways to be intimate without going all the way, and doing this is typically positive for the recovering partner too because it allows them to explore safely, expand their concept of intimacy and stay physically engaged with you while they heal. Sometimes those activities can even naturally transition to sex, in which case, awesome. But don’t be scared to be an advocate for yourself and work out what your partner is comfortable with. Schedule these things if you need to, because they are essential to keeping your relationship feeling passionate.
Now the second part regarding your hurt feelings, that is legitimate too. It happened before you were with her but it hurts to think of her sharing herself so freely with people who didn’t love her like you do. We’re only human and it’s natural to wonder if she’s serious about you after doing something like that. Again, don’t be afraid to ask her for support even as she’s working on herself. Maybe she can put in some extra effort to reassure you verbally and show love in ways that are meaningful to you. I also recommend therapy for yourself. It might sound silly because you weren’t the one that went through the trauma, but your feelings deserve attention too. Working with a therapist can really help you break down your fears and overcome them. And that’s usually what it is at the core, wondering if you’re “enough” and if your partner is really the good person you thought they were, or if you’re just another coping mechanism for them somehow.
Short summary is: repair the emotional intimacy by talking about it honestly and frequently, ask for support rather than just giving support and work in mutually acceptable forms of physical intimacy as you build up to more. And get therapy if you can.
No. 155447
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I am not too certain if this topic fits this thread, yet I have noticed that the type of men I am interested in almost always seek tomboys/dominant girlfriends, and tend to dislike whatever I am. I try to approach judging others as nuanced as possible, recognising that everybody is complex and unique, yet I cannot help but notice these patterns. The only men who seem to genuinely like girls such as myself, seem to be perverts with low self-esteem, lacking in testosterone. I struggle slightly with labeling myself as a "type" of girl, because, as I alluded to, people are multifaceted. Yet to put it simply, I suppose one could consider me a girly girl. I have masculine traits (obviously) and am quite a "nerd" in the traditional sense, but I don't think I could be considered a tomboy entirely, I am more, a girly girl, as stated… though I do like things tomboys like !! But I don't think these men would see me as a tomboy because it is not all that I am… As such, I worry slightly that my standards/expectation are unrealistic. I know this is a ridiculous concern and that most people don't think in types but rather focus on developing authentic relationships, yet I have noticed this trend even amongst "normies". Is it simply my lack of confidence? Are the men who like girls who are feminine and kind of spergy (I don't know???) only fetishists? What has your experience been and what could you share with me pertaining to this matter? I apologise for the incoherence, this topic is messy in my head as well…
No. 155448
>>155428You should bring it up with him, it's important because it has damaged your trust and you can't mend that if he thinks all is fine. Telling him not to do that shit again when you both were drunk is not enough anyway.
I'm sorry this happened to you, as women this is scary shit.
No. 155450
>>155447anon, I understood nothing from your post… so you're a "girly girl" and the guys you like seem to have a type for more tomboish girl and dislike you being girly? But then you talk about your own unrealistic standards. What exactly is your post about?
You typed a lot of words but what I get from it you're a regular "normal" girl. No offense, but you sound a bit autistic with this girly that, tomboy this.
No. 155452
>>155450No offense taken, I was very vague. What I mean is that the type of men I am interested in express themselves to like "tomboys". Though I don't believe those categories are helpful overall, because most people have traits that fit into multiple categories, I can say I am not considered a tomboy, and am as such not attractive to these men (despite having some traits which are "tomboy", so it's silly!). I don't know how I would categorise myself, because again, people are complex, but I suppose I would be more considered a "girly girl" if necessary. I have noticed that most men who like me or girls who are "like me", namely, more "girly" types, tend to have low testosterone, whereas the men who like tomboys don't. I still find the terms silly and don't think I fit into either category entirely, like most people, but it is for sake of the question. Sometimes this is saddening to me, though it is helped by the realisation that most people don't think of people in these strict categories. Still I wonder if anybody else has made similar observations, disagrees completely, or can provide some other form of insight on the matter. Apologies for the incoherence of before, I am ill right now.
No. 155456
>>155452I think you're making sweeping generalizations based on confirmation bias. There is no way that every person you will meet in life and be attracted to will only be interested in tomboys. If a guy you're interested in doesn't like you because you're not a tomboy, move on to the next. There are billions of people in the world and I guarantee there is at a minimum 1000 people that you will meet and be attracted to that are attracted to you. Don't be a retard and lower your standards based on a bunk analysis. You might have to make the first move but who cares.
When I was young and dumb I thought I might have to settle for a baldy because only baldies hit on me. Hear how stupid that sounds? My bf has a full head of hair is my ideal "type" all around and loves my stupid ass. Who cares about what seems to be the trend in your life, you haven't met all of the people you're going to meet yet.
No. 155457
>>155452It's not because you're a 'girly girl' anon, it's because tomboys have a lot of common interests with men and generally have a lot of male friends. Men can have different tastes but it's easier to like someone you're close with. I know a lot of guys that love cute girls.
>The only men who seem to genuinely like girls such as myself, seem to be perverts with low self-esteem, lacking in testosterone.Coming from a tomboyish girl, we have our fair share of that as well
No. 155465
>>155428> .It's not like I got sexually assaulted but… a part of consent was broken. I feel better after typing this out though.
Anon. Just because it's your boyfriend doesn't mean he can't assault you.
No. 155497
My boyfriend and I are going through a rocky patch. Particularly because I have a very high sex drive and though he tries to me it, he doesn't always. Anyway, I know I shouldn't be, but I am somewhat resentful he watches porn when I'm not at his house. Apparently then he has no trouble masturbating multiple times a day. Now, remember, he does have sex with me, not as much as I'd like, but I suppose enough.
So I was set to go to his house tonight and then he talked about us needing more baby wipes if I wanted sex(we were to shop for them in the morning). I told him he could get some for himself in a snarky way because I know he uses them to clean himself off while masturbating and I decided that I wouldn't stay for the half week I usually do. He got upset at me and told me not to insult him, I've asked him how I insulted him, and I've told him I didn't appreciate him acting like it was as for us when I know it's also for him, and only him at times, too.
Am I a jerk for what I did? Like no shit we're out of wipes because he's beating off, why pretend you are getting more for us to bang when i know they will get the most use when I'm gone.
No. 155507
>>155497This just sounds unsatisfying and exhausting anon. Watching porn is okay when both partners are fine with it IF it isn't interfering with their sex life. If you're having less sex than you want with you boyfriend, then it's absolutely interfering. It's true having sex takes more energy than just jerking off, but it's also 100x more satisfying and enjoyable if you're not a degenerate coomer with a numb limp dick.
The wipes aren't the problem here. Simple solution: clear boundaries. How much sex do you want every week? When you figure that out, tell him what you expect. If your boyfriend cannot meet your requirements, dump him. If he wants to meet your requirements but is finding it's difficult, he needs to stop watching porn until his brain and dick can function properly again. It's so not worth it to diminish your sexuality and self confidence (which
will erode over time) because of a porn-addicted scrote.
No. 155509
>>155497I'm not even anti-porn but jerking off to it multiple times a day when you do already have a sex life too…. That's pretty excessive. What kind of lifestyle even allows for multiple porn sessions a day?
I think it's a touchy subject with him because deep down he must know he's dealing with an excessive habit. Issues like that don't have a quick fix so honestly I wouldn't be inclined to stick around and battle against a porn problem. If you don't even live together yet I'd bail.
No. 155610
>>155604Anon, do you think he would willingly tell you about her if he was cheating with her on you? Also, a sole fact he interacts with female coworkers at work shouldn't make you jealous. Don't
you have a male coworkers you like and address by name? This is something you have to work through yourself, especially as you said it's not the first time you're irrationaly jealous.
This is tinfoil but there's also a possibilty you want to find a reason to ditch him. "Short balding whore" lol anon, you sound like you already despise him, not just "turned off emotions towards him". I know it's especially hard when it's your first bf, but you're still very young. Don't settle for someone you don't like. We have only one short life.
No. 155620
>>155604My ex mentioned his (it turns out) mistresses name to me quite a bit in the few weeks before the affair came to light. Her own relationship had ended and he was talking about how much she was struggling on her own, it came across as pretty odd and out of character to me because this man wasn't one to care a whole lot about other peoples problems unless he was reeal close to them. My gut feeling was right and even after the affair came out I had to live with him for another month or two and listen to him talk about her and her problems…that and how great she is lol.
If you are not generally a paranoid person then just go with your gut feeling. Even if you are paranoid, bring the subject up. Don't just let it drive you mad.
No. 155713
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>>141728>>141730>>141733>>141739>>141741>>141749>>141758>>141851I'm
>>141563 and
>>141726 . After typing my second post I didn't come back to check the responses because I was too anxious to read them. I think it's because I knew what most answers would say, but I didn't want to face them.
He's gotten somewhat better. Not too long ago I stalked his Instagram following and saw he followed some models who were all barely clothed. So I confronted him and he apologized and unfollowed them all. He told me he doesn't remember when he followed them, but I know he followed them during our time of dating. On desktop you can see who someone follows in the order they followed them. So that was a lie.
I know his Twitter account and I created a fake looking one several minutes ago, so I can take a peek at who he follows and view what he likes just so I can see if he's really doing better. Typing this out makes me feel pathetic now, but earlier I was laughing maniacally when I "followed" him. It was a rush, I guess. Now I wait for his acceptance.
Other than that, he's been really sweet and caring. I don't know it's just so confusing. Maybe I'm too insecure now. He wants a future with me. I mean, he tells me all the time, but some of the plans just doesn't appeal to me.
It's almost like he has his ideal future and he's planning mine for me instead of asking for my opinion. I feel like I'm only going along with it because I know it'll make him happy. I did try to speak up, but he's the stubborn type and I'm retarded.
Sometimes I don't even know if I love him. I think I'm comfortable now and afraid of not having that attachment to him anymore. I'm not sure.
No. 155714
>>155713 > Other than that, he's been really sweet and caringThat's nice and all but there's no trust or sense of security in this relationship. There wasn't 4 months ago… there isn't now. Relationships are built on having trust so this relationship has no foundation or value. It's unhealthy as fuck.
>I know his Twitter account and I created a fake looking one several minutes ago, so I can take a peek at who he followSave yourself the misery, girl. Move on.
No. 155718
File: 1603104088157.jpeg (27.14 KB, 480x455, 38BAE987-5CE8-420F-AE6B-60265C…)
>>155714You're right, anon.
No. 155721
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>>155719I don't want to be like this anymore. God I fell like it'll age me.
>>155714>>155719Thank you both…
No. 155729
>>155713>Sometimes I don't even know if I love him. I think I'm comfortable now and afraid of not having that attachment to him anymore. I'm not sure.It sounds like you already know here. You're already mentally checked out. If you're looking through his IG and Twitter, you're a long ways away from trusting him again. Is it worth it to rebuild trust? Do you think he will make good on his promises?
It sounds like he was initially trying to neg you or make you jealous, but the whole thing is just weird with him bringing his mom into the conversation. It's not weird to glance at strangers, everyone knows that and there's zero reason to ask your mommy for permission. I've literally never known an adult man who discussed checking out women with his mom, that's bizarre behavior.
No. 155751
>>155713He blocked the account, lol. I'm taking this as a sign to leave it be.
>>155729> Is it worth it to rebuild trust? Do you think he will make good on his promises?No and I don't think so. I just hate how he's wired differently than I.
No. 155872
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Sooo this guy i started dating wants to go to this like fair for our second date and, idk man. Our first date was in a restaurant and it wasn't expensive at all and we had a great time, we live 3 hours away and both drove and met in the middle. This second date seems low effort? He says it's 2 minutes from his house and it doesn't pass by my town. I like fairs/amusement parks but i get irritable when I'm surrounded by a lot of people but he says it'll be fun and the weather will be beautiful. idk if it's by my own standards or if FDS has gotten to me and I would've otherwise not cared or what? but considering I'm not high-maintenance maybe I'm right and it's a pretty cheap date?
No. 155874
>>155872I would try not to get caught up in what's supposedly right or wrong here. If it sounds fun to you, go. If you think it'll be crowded and uncomfortable, don't. Personally I love amusement parks and think it sounds like a fun date. I'd rather do that then get taken on some expensive sailing charter or shit where you just sit around. And those ride tickets can actually get pretty damn expensive, so if you're worried about him cheaping out on you then ask if it's his treat or what. I'd be more concerned about the "3 hours away" bit and see if he's willing to head your direction if there's another date afterwards.
FDS is a helpful way to remind yourself to have standards, but I think it verges on overkill with the whole "If a man hasn't rented out an entire 5-star restaurant for your date and escorted you via limo or private jet then he's a cheapskate who doesn't deserve you girl!" Like c'mon.
No. 155892
>>155885Hahaha no I'm not that much of a degenerate, would've been an interesting power move if I had though. I was staying at his place while he was at work. Ran out of toilet paper during that fiasco (of course) so shuffled out to grab a roll from the closet, cleaned up and shut the toilet lid as I washed my hands. I was prepping dinner at the time so I just headed right into the kitchen afterwards and totally forgot to flush. When he went to use the bathroom after he got back I heard "WOOOOAH ANON, spent a little quality time in here huh?" and I realized what I had done.
That being said he occasionally farts in front of me and describes the texture and quality of his more explosive loads, so maybe we're just a gross couple idk. For me it's freeing to joke about that stuff and not stress over it, not that we go out of our way to be disgusting. I'd seriously side eye someone who judged their partner over those things; everyone shits.
No. 156200
>>156199Yeah we just started messaging, we can't meet up due to covid ruining everything.
But I feel like a clown always initiating. I have no problem being the first to text, just not all the time. I guess I'll give it one more shot and if he doesn't initiate at least once I'm done. I've told him I like him.
No. 156215
>>156207Anon I am hesitant to say this is actually a problem. If he doesn't get his feelings hurt and you are having a good sense of humor about it, I would say no big deal. Maybe you can just touch base with him to make sure he isn't hiding any secret resentment over it. Then let it be.
There are a lot of reasons you might feel repulsed by his erections, but there's so much info we don't have that I don't even know where to start. Personally, I went though several years of feeling that way with my husband, because I felt somehow used for sexual gratification (even though our sex was good for me too). I wasn't getting the attention I desired before and after the act. No build up, no appreciation. I too have been sexually assaulted so that led to me being strongly against what I perceive as cheap intimacy.
No. 156219
>>156212Yeah you're right. It just seems obvious. Equal effort, and the man stereotypically usually texts first more than the girl anyway.
>I struggle to text first cause my dumb ass brain thinks no one would want to talk to me. Could be the same.Me too, but it feels even worse now because not only do I think that no one wants to talk to me but it's confirmed.
No. 156242
>>156182 >For the first time I found someone I genuinely like, he meets all my ideals >we just started messaging >can't meet up >If I don't text he'd probably disappear foreverTbh the main red flag here might be you getting ahead of yourself. You might be right that he'd just disappear if you stopped initiating conversations. A lot of anons have posted about these text message relationships during quarantine and it often doesn't lead anywhere because these guys are passing time while bored.
You could be the exception to that but it sounds like you're getting ahead of where you guys are at, a short while of texting often doesn't translate into any sort of real life relationship
No. 156261
>>156230Fucking kek have fun with the divorce.
I used to ummm ..have friends who are thirds for polyfags, they all end up with the husbands choosing the new girl. But hey maybe you’re the 1/10, just make sure to do everything you can to not lose to the new girl.
No. 156264
>>156230I was in a scene years ago, I have never seen this work out well. Like the other anon said it often ends in the hubby leaving the old wife for the new pussy…and them then rubbing their happiness in her face.
The absolute worst breakup fallouts that I have ever had to witness. Messy backstabbing shit that'll leave you with trust issues for the rest of your life.
No. 156280
>>156230Relationships are already hard enough and end up in disaster often enough with just two people in it, including married people. What makes you think introducing a third into your relationship is a good idea? You're just putting a high risk on your marriage.
>us wayward crazy lovebirds>this one girl we're really fond ofAlso the way this is worded makes me vomit.
No. 156288
>>156280I doubt it's real anyway
> We've met a few women that fit perfectlyYeah cos women really line up for that kind of offer.. mid covid too. Just a queue of women. It's not like every bisexual woman on dating apps despises these types of people and their predatory approach to women. Totes realistic
No. 156290
>>156285As if “boundaries” are sustainable. Only self-soothing delusions. It takes a group of people with attachment and intimacy issues to have working poly relationships ie sex-workers.
One day someone is gonna feel “left out”. Of course the new girl will get all the effort and attention, they will do fun and exciting stuff together, as people do during honeymoon phase. Where as the old parter is used to being taken for granted and their relationship has been boring, which spurred on the poly thing in the first place. One of the primaries is gonna feel like their spouse and the third are spending too much time together. “How come he never did that with me?”. Jealousy is poison and inevitable. You can try to suppress it but you will always know deep down lol
On the other hand, as a third, their instinct is to dig into and latch on to one of the primary to ensure their place in the relationship, no one likes the threat of being used up and thrown out. This creates competition and backstabbing. She will more frequently side with one spouse and “cool girl” her way into being the shoulder to cry one when you have disputes.
I see it again and again and again. If you want to stick it to the “sanctity of marriage” just fucking break up.
No. 156300
File: 1603470602166.jpg (38.64 KB, 561x471, 1573331665416.jpg)
I've been staying at my bfs place for a couple months on and off because of the lockdown. Overall I can't complain, it's going really well and we rarely argue. One thing has been bothering me, though. He loves cooking and enjoys getting/making my favorite foods and snacks. I appreciate it for sure, but I definitely eat a lot more when I'm at his place than I normally would and I noticed I've been gaining some weight.
How should I go about asking him to not bring as many unhealthy snacks and cooking a little bit healthier? I get that it's up to my own willpower as well, but it's really hard when there's a variety of fancy snacks on the table all day or when he's all excited bringing me loaded plates of pasta. At the same time, I don't want to deny him the foods he likes or put away snacks he might want to eat while watching a show together.
No. 156312
>>156300>bringing me loaded plates of pastaHow about asking him for smaller portions then and snacks only on the weekends? That way you can still eat what he makes and buys you, just in more moderate portions.
I'm pretty sure he'd understand honestly, he'd probably doesn't want to see you get fat either lol
No. 156327
>>156324More like 1000.
My maintenance kcals are 1500 and that's with exercise. My bf's are 3000-3500 depending on activity.
No. 156469
File: 1603554611526.jpg (240.77 KB, 1448x2048, EVZ7MWUUUAIjkQt.jpg)
I sort of have a crush on a coworker but its only due to the fact that we share certain hobbies and interest and our sense of humor is very similar and i havent been socialized to any males since i met my boyfriend, partially due to being a hermit and partially due to corona.
i feel kind of bad since i know that i only feel like this because its been a while since ive met a new male that really clicked with me, well since meeting my boyfriend 1.5 years ago.
our relationship is still amazing, i just feel kind of dirty for having this slight crush.
is it normal to develop those crushes? its very pure but i did think of him having sex with me once or twice randomly already.
I have a high stress job (nurse) so I imagine him being there (he is also a nurse) is some sort of comfort blanket that i might be mistaking for something different.
he even asked me if i have a boyfriend and then followed up with asking for how long, so i assume he was at least slightly interested.
No. 156475
>>156469It's easy to get crushes on coworkers because you feel close to them without seeing their negative side. You probably don't know any of this guy's annoying habits, you don't see him leave the fridge open or never washing his silverware, but you do see a personal side by working together in a high stress environment. You're still only seeing an idealized version of him.
I wouldn't worry about it too much, anon, it's pretty normal to get crushes on coworkers. Remember he's a human like everyone else, and remind yourself of your happy relationship.
No. 156502
I'm so anxious over the relationship I'm on the verge of starting, I'm 27 and and I had never dated before, so we're already off to a great start. I'm also a very solitary person with a huge need for solitude and alone time, but I can't deny I'm attracted to this guy (and the feelings are mutual), that's why I'm agonizing if I should try to have a serious relationship. I can't help but feel that deep down, I will always be happier single than taken, but since I've always been alone, I don't know how being a couple would benefit me. I think I'm mostly scared of this turning into a disaster, we've had a good friendship and we have a lot in common, I would hate to ruin it.
I might also have scared him off at our last date when I told him I was a lonely person, that there would be weeks where I wouldn't want to see him and I would never move in with him. Autism is a fucking curse lol.
No. 156596
>>156591 It doesn't sound fun on paper either.
Anon, you and your husband are retarded.
No. 156645
>>156605was cuddling difficult ?
lol I’m srry if that’s a weird question, it’s also a non issue for me but I’m wondering how things worked mechanically or whatever, like what was comfortable and what wasn’t
No. 156689
>>156665You both sound young if you're just moving away from your parents. I would say it's normal at that age, especially depending on his personality. I'm kind of a loner and when I first moved out it was a huge breath of fresh air. If I'd been in a relationship at the time I likely would've wanted to enjoy that sense of freedom and peace for a little while, even if I was really into the person. It also proved I could actually do it (take care of myself alone), which was satisfying in its own way. Assuming you guys are serious about one another this may literally be his only chance to experience being on his own before settling in with you.
If you're okay with this (and it's okay not to be, do think about what
you want out of the relationship), I'd just be very clear about your expectations moving forward. Will he be living alone for a year, or a year and a half? Will you both pick a new place together after that time or can you/do you want to move to his existing rental? How much will you each financially contribute? How often can you expect to see him when he's living on his own? Does he care if you stay over a certain amount of times in a week?
If you hash all this out now and then he starts jerking you around near the end of his solo period, it's a red flag that he isn't actually serious about the relationship. But assuming it works out he will likely appreciate that you gave him room to grow. Hopefully you can do the same during this time and learn your own likes/dislikes when it comes to a living situation. Perhaps look for shared housing with someone around your age if you can't afford your own place?
No. 156691
>>156665>but now he's saying he wants to live alone for a year or a year and a half firstI honestly think that's a good thing, too many men just replace their moms taking care of them with their girlfriends taking care of them. If he lives on his own for a year and a half that ensures he can (and will) do basic life skills on his own.
Other than that I agree with
>>156689 No. 156699
>>156666Thanks you for your reply, and you're right, I really should try to make it work. I tend to become very anxious when things go different from my daily routine (especially with stuff I've never done), lots of people go through this with ease, why couldn't I?
I'm still adamant about living on my own forever (well, in the future anyway since I still live with my family), I want my place with my own womancave and fortress of solitude.
No. 156721
>>156692The trouble is anon, you can't control anyone in your life except yourself. I'm a little worried that you say you're unable to move for the next few years but you live in a negative environment. Even if you were to move in with your boyfriend right now, it sounds like that would just make you dependent on him for a stable home instead. If you were to break up and he was the main person on the lease he could kick you out and potentially leave you worse off than before. I think any scenario where you're essentially relying on him to rescue you from your current situation is far from ideal.
For now I'd say you can go ahead and take him at his word, but it would be very beneficial to have a back-up plan. If he does change his mind in a year, what are some ways you might be able to move out on your own instead? Please don't put your life on hold and pin all your hopes on whatever choice this guy decides to make. You have the ability to take more control of the situation than that.
No. 156780
>>156746Couple Red flags here. You are early twenties and you've been dating for four years already, there's a ten year age gap and he has a son..? What age did you both get together then?
You thought it was okay to own a sex toy (should be imo) but he lost it and snapped it in two… He would rather pay you back for breaking it than allow you to own a toy. A man breaking your belongings because of a disagreement is never a good sign. Especially given his age.
Him being tired and having a lower libido is one thing, a common enough problem to pop up a few years into dating but I see hints of other problems here that are honestly way more worrying.
No. 156808
>>156805Different anon but speaking as someone older who has been through a very similar situation, moving in with a guy when he is all too aware that you have no other options leaves you in such a vulnerable position and open to abuse. It also can make you feel like a burden on them which leads to resentment and kills the relationship.
I wouldn't recommend that anyone skip the important stage in life where you move out and do things on your own for a while. It sounds like it could be the best thing for you so that you don't always stay dependant on other people to look after you or house you. If your mental health and possible learning difficulties are legit then you should be able to access a social worker and discuss your needs possibly bumping you up on lists or making you aware of special housing for vulnerable or learning disabled people.
Jumping into living with this guy sounds like setting yourself up for failure. More importantly he doesn't want it and you have to respect that. It's actually healthy that he wants to experience his independance for a while.
No. 156815
>>156475thank you anon, you are right.
we spoke about how we think about order and cleanness of people, peoples priorities and even mentality things like "some people just cant agree with the fact that you dont have to stress yourself out all the time" etc, and those are very important things to me personally. he is also very tall which i love, and he is super open about anime and games with me which has never happened to me before with an IRL guy
my boyfriend is wonderful and i love him to death, but i think due to the fact that he is my first bf ever (got together at 21) that i cannot really make a difference between being fond of someone for who they are and crushing.
i just find it worrying that im imagining having sex with him, i have sex with my boyfriend frequently and dont feel like i need more at all
i think this is a product of me not being socialized with males IRL from about 13 to 19
No. 156848
>>156844 >love this man unconditionallyI don't mean to be nitpicky but romantic love should never be unconditional. It's conditional and that's healthy.
I've been with a guy who had a once off crossdresser/trans meetup in his history and while I didn't feel too bothered by the gender aspect it turned out he did have a thing for anal to a point where he valued it more than PIV and that caused issues. Have you talked about what brought him to explore a trap? For some guys it's purely that anal is off the table with alot of women so they end up going for 'well that's close enough and they'll let me do butt stuff'
If you are openly grossed out by all things anal you might not get an honest answer about that though.
No. 156849
>>156843What? I already explained 3 times that he already lives all alone for weeks on end so he doesn't have to learn how to live on his own he already learned that and is doing it. There's no point in saying he has to learn because he is already way past that so it's not a
valid point anymore lol
No. 156902
>>156849Nta but there's objectively a difference between living alone in your parents' house for a few weeks at a time and living on your own.
The independence-or-not thing isn't really the point though. I agree with the other anons that you should try your hardest to secure living space on your own without relying on him. We can't take away your worries about him changing his mind about moving in with you in a year and a half time. It's realistically a possibility, a lot of things can happen in that span of time. So do all you can to get a backup plan for yourself, and if you can't well time will have to tell. There's nothing else that can be said about this.
No. 156925
>>156874I've cut guys off over this kind of thing happening real early. I don't want a random message about how a guy is wanking when we've never even kissed yet, nor do I want a guy getting an erection mid-date and then pointing it out to me.. Good times /s lol
What are the details of what happened?
No. 156966
>>156919It's over for attachedcels /s
But seriously, if you didn't have so much time to sit and think about him 24/7, maybe you could get slowly get your mind adapted to a life without him.
Tl;dr is if you are depressed over a breakup, simply do other things to keep your mind occupied so you don't constantly think about him.
Most overused advice given to anyone coping with a breakup, but it mostly works.
No. 156993
>>156965i think it's a normal thing people do… it's not really testing intentionally in a sociopathic way or anything, it's more just feeling out people's responses and personalities i guess. i don't think it's an issue so long as it's not
toxic and it stops after you get to know each other
No. 157002
>>156996I think he was in that mood, went away and came back because our normal conversations are good. Definitely a test of sorts.
Dunno he's pretty good, maybe I'm just a dumb prude. He's been talking a lot with me for weeks without any red flags or disrespect, this just caught me off guard
No. 157010
>>157002>maybe I'm just a dumb prudeYou aren't anon, don't gaslight yourself. Men go through life basically never second-guessing themselves on these matters even when they absolutely should. It's okay to have standards and not want to have an explicit chat with a guy who you hardly even know yet.
>He's been talking a lot with me for weeks without any red flagsWell here's the first one. Maybe you're right and it was just a fit of freak horniness, but good men don't really have those and can keep their degeneracy at bay when it comes to women they respect. I'd pay close attention to his behavior from now on.
No. 157023
>>157019Do you enjoy dating an arrogant, patronizing piece of shit? He obviously doesn't take you seriously so if you're hellbent on getting him to share his opinions then just lean into being his handmaiden and he'll likely feel comfortable enough to express the full breadth of his assholery around you.
>The most we talked about politics once we both agreed trump facilitates racism and that he’s a stepping stone to white supremacy. So I concluded he must be a centrist or something. Interesting conclusion. He agreed Trump associates himself with white supremacy but didn't say he was against it.
No. 157024
>>157019Not talking politics is one thing but the fact that he's not voting after all that bravado.. makes me think he's just not all that into it or informed on it. Could be that he's afraid to admit that so he's hiding behind a shitty act of 'I'm not even discussing it with you cos you're just a dumb woman'
Sounds like one of those guys going through life with a fake act of cockiness as a defence mechanism. Enjoy having him put you down any time his own insecurities start to bubble up
No. 157027
>>157020I don’t hang around his friends so I can’t figure out if it’s just me he doesn’t want to talk politics with and it’s something he has no problem of doing with them.
>>157023this is literally the only thing that are patronizing about him in our relationship. He’s not an asshole, like at all. Maybe he doesn’t even mean to be, maybe he really just doesn’t like sharing his opinions. Or maybe you’re right and he’s just keeping it under wraps to not scare me off. If I were to guess though, because I know him, he’s prob the former. Also the context was us acknowledging how both nominees are stepping stones to things we view as bad.
>>157024yeah I was thinking the same, it would make sense that he’s not the type to care about politics, but then he does consume right wing media, like, what he deems funny. So I just don’t know if he’s being serious or joking half the time.
whatever tbh, maybe he’ll let the walls down come election day
No. 157031
>>157027Anon patronising you in any way is plain fucked. You're bringing up red flags and then somehow rationalising them to yourself as not being so bad? Why second guess yourself and change tone so much from one post to the very next? You have
valid issues here and you don't have to play them down
No. 157039
>>157031Women bend over backwards to accommodate and rationalize men's genuinely terrible traits. Meanwhile they throw us under the bus for the most retarded, random shit. I hope anon realizes what she described is actually unhealthy and that her ~amazing~ partner would have shut her down immediately if she did this to him in reverse. Men play at being egalitarian until it doesn't benefit them, and she's letting him get away with it. It's the typical, "Oh he's actually perfect
except for brazenly terrible thing." He's just not perfect, then. Far from it.
So sad and tired of seeing all these women tolerating outrageous bullshit in their lives for literally no beneficial purpose.
No. 157044
File: 1603882404698.jpeg (711.76 KB, 1242x1095, A2C9D981-2085-4A69-8CED-7CF309…)
is it okay that my bf and his female best friend text ‘I love you’ to each other everyday? She’s also his ex. he says it’s just friendly and that their friendship follows a certain ‘structure’.
this isn’t a troll btw
No. 157062
>>157055I've only experienced that '3 times a day phase' in the first few weeks of dating. After that it tends to slow down to say getting each other off once a day through mostly oral but PIV maybe every 2/3 days
Were you going along with sex you didn't enthusiastically want? I can see that having an emotional toll afterwards. Was there 'orgasm equality' in the relationship?
No. 157101
Doublepost but this
>>157100 was in response to this
>>157055 No. 157106
>>157054>i really, really hate it though.Then it's not fucking okay. Look I have a close male friend that I've known for many years longer than my partner and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, so that's not an insignificant relationship either. I have told my friend "I love you" in a sincere, platonic way over text maybe a handful of times (not every day, that's weird). But if my partner said it made him uncomfortable, I would absolutely stop. It's not like my friend or I need to hear those words to know we care about one another. Especially if my friend was also my EX, that's not right.
You're allowed to have boundaries, and you're not even asking him to stop speaking with her entirely. The fact he "won't budge" over such a small ask speaks volumes. I'd dump him over it, you deserve better.
No. 157110
>>157055https://www.insider.com/how-often-do-couples-have-sex>A 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior studied the sexual behavior of just over 26,000 people from 1989 to 2014. It found that the average adult has sex 54 times a year, or an average of about once a week. Having sex multiple times a day is uncommon, happens more often at the beginning of a relationship where you're both excited and horny all the time. In my case I have sex with my boyfriend most days of the week, but I'm high libido and we're childfree so we also aren't exhausted all the time like most of my friends who are parents.
>only intimate, loving, sex turns me on Not saying you have to change your outlook to accommodate other people, but imo oral sex can still be very intimate if you take it slow, make eye contact to connect with your partner and focus on how you're bringing them pleasure. Even trying weird positions can be a fun bonding thing if you aren't taking sex super seriously. I've had a lot of moments where we tried and failed to do shit but just had a giggle over it and moved on to something we knew we liked afterwards.
No. 157111
>>157060I wouldn't necessarily stress over him not saying it naturally, especially when you know he's the type to have issues communicating. Everyone has a different way of showing affection and for some people it's very unnatural to verbalize it (inexpressive family, never got socialized, who knows), so maybe his way is by doing nice things for you or spending time together. It's the whole "5 Love Languages" deal, and it's important to recognize and appreciate his way of showing love.
That being said, he should make an effort to meet you halfway when it's important to you. I hate going to big social gatherings for example, but my boyfriend thinks it's fun, so I try to at least go out every couple months. If you like hearing "I love you" and him remembering to take you out to do something he promised (which is kind of a big deal), then you should explicitly tell him how important these things are and ask him to come up with a plan to make it happen. It takes less than a minute to set up a phone reminder about something you planned. Hardly an inconvenience for making your partner feel loved and appreciated.
No. 157115
>>157111yeah you're right, i need to probably just be more understanding that his "love language" is different than mine.
and yeah i know i could just directly ask him to set reminders for this stuff but it kinda doesn't feel the same if he doesn't do it out of his own motivation/free will, you know?
good on you for meeting your bf halfway, hopefully you can have at least a little bit of fun going out.
No. 157118
>>157115Don't get stuck in that trap of thinking if you have to ask for it, it doesn't count. People aren't mind readers. It's like hoping a homeschooled virgin Christian boy will know you want him to flirt with you. He literally doesn't have the knowledge how. That's not fair to you or him. Wouldn't you feel bad hearing that your boyfriend had been wanting/expecting something from you and you hadn't given it to him for ages because you seriously had no idea he wanted it, or if you did, didn't know how to accomplish it?
It might seem redundant because in the case of him keeping his promises you say you've "mentioned it many times" but I can almost guarantee you that if you bring it up with him he'll say he didn't mean to upset you and just didn't realize it was that important to you. So don't keep him ignorant. He actually sounds very similar to how my boyfriend used to be because he didn't have expressive parents and was only in unhealthy relationships before me. He did not have a clue how to behave. I had to repeatedly ask him to do little things for me because it made me feel loved, even giving him a list of ideas what to do lol. These days I don't have to ask for anything and he regularly compliments me, says he loves me and brings home little gifts because he knows it makes me happy. Men are actually retarded so you have to teach them what you want and lay it out as clearly as possible, unless you're fine with things staying as they are forever.
No. 157174
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. We planned a weekend cabin trip with his friends, but they all ended up bailing due to concerns about (completely nonexistent) snow. I don't know this group, but he was really excited to introduce me.
I found out that they're having a party this weekend, though, when we were scheduled to go. He didn't even think to invite me until I asked. To make matters worse/more embarrassing, his friends decided that they didn't want to be "liable" for giving me alcohol (I am 20 but I turn 21 in two months, everyone else is 21+) and wouldn't let me drink if I came, which seems weirdly controlling considering my boyfriend watched me drink quite a lot this past weekend and I was in total control of myself. It feels like he sees his friends (who I have a VERY poor impression of at this point) as a way bigger priority.
I've talked to him about this, and he even said he didn't want to have a weekend away with just the two of us because there would be "nothing to do." The two of us rarely spend more than about a day and a half consecutively together, so I would have really liked to have some alone time. My feelings are really hurt by this whole thing, and it's not the first time he's done something hurtful because he forgot to take me into consideration while making decisions with his friends. Especially after a year and a half, I'm pretty fed up and I am thinking seriously about breaking up with him.
It just hurts a lot, because otherwise, we get along really well. He's funny and easy to talk to, he's extremely loyal and secure, and he's decently fit and good-looking. But this whole event has been so sketchy and strikes me as such a rookie mistake that I don't know if I'm willing to give it another chance.
No. 157186
>>157174This is something you do not want to hear, anon, but: he's not going to improve. You have told him to fix his shit about not taking you into account, multiple times now, and he keeps fucking up. That is the clue bat bopping off the back of your head, right there - if he never has any consequences for walking all over you, dismissing you, and treating you like an afterthought he gets to fuck, no shit - he is not going to change his ways. Why would he? He's got it cosy, right there.
Under two years in, you two should still be in that "can't get enough of you" phase. He's treating you like a wife he's too chickenshit and lazy to actually divorce; he's icing you out in the hopes you do the dirty work for him. His friends sound like sexist trash too, and it's really telling they've had discussions about you, and made decisions involving you, without so much as a by-your-leave. These are his peers who he takes his cues from; they show him what is okay in terms of behaviour, and what will get him denied access to friendship and acceptance. All of these chucklefucks thinks that he's doing just fine by keeping you on the backburner like this.
If you go to this weekend party, expect to come home feeling sad, drained, belittled and excluded. It is not for you, and they have made a point to put you into the "out group" before you even get there. Go there if you really, really want to - but not because you feel like you SHOULD want to go. Do you honestly feel like they want you here? Are they your friends, too, and not just having you there for your BF's sake? They've already told you up front they won't be treating you like one of them or as an equal. Your time to choose, now.
No. 157205
I've been with my bf for a couple of years now and we get on really well, but he's got a problem with being supportive when I'm sad.
A while ago I got some bad family news. I wasn't crazy upset, just feeling down. I told him about it and he was silent for a while and then just gave some stock "That's terrible" response and then tried to get away as quick (and awkwardly) as possible. He basically hid from me the whole day like I was really mad at him or something.
A couple of days ago I was feeling down over something that happened at work. I said something like, "I know it's going to be ok, but it feels really hard to be hopeful right now." He said, "I'm just not in a good enough place to be the strong one right now." and once again disappeared. Obviously I can't look inside his head, but I just don't feel like that's true. He's not depressed, there's nothing significantly shitty going on in his life right now, and he was in a good mood up until I brought up the work thing. It just felt like an excuse.
I feel like a bitch saying all of this because I adore him, but when I think of all the times I've been going through terrible shit and have been there for him, I can't help but feel resentful. I'm not a very moody person and I usually deal with stuff on my own, but every once in a while I'd like someone to lean on. Even just a hug would be fine. If I'm being unreasonable, I want to know. I'm not proud of how I feel about this and I wish I could get past it. If it's just that he's really uncomfortable when people are sad, is it wrong to want him to try?
No. 157223
>>157205Ah anon, it is not unreasonable to want some emotional support from your partner - you'd expect as much from someone you call a friend, right? It's not unreasonable to have perfectly normal human needs.
Sometimes we can't get everything we need from just one relationship (I don't mean that in the poly sense, just on a general human interaction level) and that is okay. It's pretty understandable you'd feel neglected and shafted bc there's no reciprocity for tha care and comfort you've given your BF in the past.
Have you told him "I need emotional support from you?" Seriously. Advocate yourself, girl. Tell him what you want and need. If he can't or won't give it to you because he's too emotionally constipated or he's too self-involved to try, well, you have to go find that elsewhere. Fuck, I don't know you at all, but I'd hug you if I could, too.
No. 157246
>>157205You’re not being unreasonable, as other anons have said having someone to support you during difficult times is one of the points of having a partner. This is weird though. It’s not unusual for guys to have difficulty being supportive because they’re typically not socialized for it (“man up, that’s too bad bro, men don’t cry” growing up and they don’t usually reach out to friends). But that’s just a lack of knowledge. He recognized you were looking for support and specifically said, “I’m not in a good enough place right now.”
I would take him at his word and ask wtf is going on. If he is actually depressed then he needs to address it so he can be a normal and supportive partner. Tell him exactly what you’ve said here. “When I was feeling upset at work the other day you said you weren’t in a good place to be supportive, and before that when I got the family news you avoided me for the entire day. When I’m feeling bad I don’t expect you to talk to me about it for hours, but in those moments a hug and a few kind words would be really helpful. To be honest I’ve started feeling resentful over your lack of effort, and it feels especially unfair when I’ve supported you by doing (examples). Why are you unable to show support lately? Are you feeling depressed? I want to hear about it if you’re struggling with something. Whatever it is is not only affecting you but your ability to be there for me, and it’s hurtful.”
No. 157262
File: 1603991214354.gif (328.48 KB, 498x372, 955474FF-29CB-4D33-870F-7ACBCB…)
Guy I’ve been talking told me his dick is 3.8 cm.
I don’t know what to do
No. 157277
File: 1603994089454.jpeg (158.86 KB, 1200x675, F2466C49-D3ED-4B87-9A4A-E046E6…)
>>1572761”.
Not joking, actually 1” when hard.
No. 157334
>>157330From personal experience it's a bad idea, especially at your current age. This is not me being condescending, but purely from a scientific standpoint, the brain isn't fully developed until age 25 or so. It's difficult to describe, but the way I thought when I was an older teen/early 20s was drastically different than late 20s/early 30s. I wasn't dumb, I just couldn't clearly see how certain actions or areas of my life correlated to good or bad things. Not until I had a firmer grasp of those things logically and with more lived experience.
Adults know this. Which is why it's very suspect that a grown man would want a still developing woman. You are easier to manipulate right now (again, not trying to be condescending - this is just a fact) and bad men will see this as a plus. A chance to mold you into what they want, rather than assisting you in figuring out what you want for yourself. The worst part is that because you're still developing, you likely wouldn't even see it happening until you're in deep.
Even in the rare chance he's going into this with the best intentions, you have to wonder why an adult would
want a relationship with someone still learning about themselves. You're taking a risk on someone whose personality and goals might align with yours now, but will likely grow into something quite different in the span of several years. There are many women in their 30s that are just as attractive as 20-somethings but fully settled in who they are and what they want. It doesn't make sense to aim younger if you want a serious relationship, so the sad truth is, most men in these positions just want an easily influenced bangmaid for as long as she doesn't realize what's happening.
I'm not totally against age gap relationships: If you were both fully developed adults it would be different. But there are still things to consider, like the fact he will almost certainly die much sooner than you. That he will slow down earlier while you're still active, meaning he couldn't go out with you as much. Are you comfortable being at such different points in your lives down the line?
No. 157337
>>157174This guy 100% sounds sketchy and like he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. What really stood out to me in your post was:
>To make matters worse/more embarrassing, his friends decided that they didn't want to be "liable" for giving me alcohol (I am 20 but I turn 21 in two months, everyone else is 21+) and wouldn't let me drink if I cameHow old is this guy? I'm getting red flags just from this alone. If his friends are so uncomfortable with you being there and drinking with him, it makes me think that there's a huge age gap here and that they're all significantly older than you.
I don't want to be too presumptuous, but this really sounds like the type of situation where he's intentionally trying to hide you from people because he knows it's fucked up that he's dating a woman as young as you are, and doesn't want to get shit for it.
No. 157344
>>157330No. I've been there, done that, and it did not end well. Yeah, it was great in that I could talk to him about anything, he listened to me, validated me, etcetera. but our relationship was one of enablement.
Oh, and I ended up getting raped many times and because of my shitty life background which was also full of rape, I disregarded it. That's on me, but my point is, as much as I still like the guy even though we broke up after I had enough of him being a rapist to me, it doesn't matter. Had I not been 18, I doubt the 30 something year old fucker would have been into me. He also loved incest and pedophilia roleplay, it was such a mess.
No. 157350
>>157331>>157333>>157334>>157339>>157344Thanks for the advice anons, in regards to mental maturity and being easily moulded by him, it's him that's more prone to that than me. We met cause he's my co-worker at a bar and although i'm only there part time and have actual long term goals and ambitions with a grounded sense of self- it's him that possesses a naive childlike quality and is just "going with the flow" after doing many jobs in his 20s/30s.
We connected due to similar interests, sense of humour and appreciation for art. I also really like the fact that he's completely down to earth, super sweet/kind and doesn't have a smart phone and doesn't moid out to twitch (or even know what it is) which is really attractive to me and not something i can find in guys my age.
He's expressed his concern at why i spend time with an "old man like him" but i do find it really refreshing. In regards to long term dating i do agree with you guys that it's probably not at all sustainable but he's good company nonetheless.
No. 157355
>>157351He's actually been dating women older than him all his life, his last partner was 10 years his senior and passed away due to cancer and since then he's not really sought out anything romantically with anyone.
I am aware his main attraction to me is physical but what has made us close is we're both huge into our music, (he writes, i play) so it's kind of joined us at the hip.
He's had a nice/sheltered upbringing without a firm hand guiding him in life so he never settled anywhere in his 20s which has now also spilt over into his adult life too, as well as being a "free spirit" kinda person which I'm well aware are the guys you want to avoid.
Again i don't see it going far but if i am burned from the outcome best believe i'll be here whining about it
No. 157361
>>157174Update to this. He told me that he's skipping the party because he realizes that these friends are out of line (we agreed that we needed some space this weekend, though.) He called me and we were able to talk about why he doesn't visit me more often or for more time at once, and it had a lot more to do with his own self-esteem and anxiety about messing up our relationship than seeing me as a chore or a slampiece, so I expect to see him more often. Actions do speak louder than words though, so I'll be making sure that he actually meets that expectation.
>>157186You totally hit the nail on the head with the sexist trash thing though. I didn't think it would be sexism because there are girls in the group, but nope. My boyfriend also really hated that they were making this rule, to be clear, and did actually defend my ability to drink responsibly. The friend who had a problem with me drinking even had this problem when we were going to the cabin: he's an older guy that facebook stalked me, did the math on how old I was, and told my boyfriend that "only [boyfriend] will be giving me alcohol because I don't want to be liable." This friend also gave my boyfriend alcohol when he was underage, so it's pretty blatantly sexist bs. Needless to say, I'd rather steer clear from this group after something like that.
No. 157371
>>157363Every guy I’ve known who was not explicit about wanting a relationship did not want a relationship. Maybe it can happen sometimes, but it’s just not worth pursuing a relationship with someone who needs convincing. Guys in FWB situations are waiting for someone better to come along, not for their fuckbuddy to suddenly catch feelings. He’s already getting sex and attention for free, there’s no incentive for a relationship.
If you’re looking for a relationship, don’t bother at all with men who are looking for casual flings. If they’re being upfront, take them at their word. It won’t get better and you’ll feel bad.
No. 157393
>>157365If you're LTR and the sex is still bad then that seems unlikely to ever change.
Leave. Sexual compatability is important. "Generally" good is not a pro, what's the point of a relationship if not
at least good. No passion is a huge con.
No. 157409
File: 1604069907398.jpg (57.18 KB, 750x420, SENTIMENT.jpg)
Ladies give it to me straight. I've been seeing my bf for the past year and I initially broke up with him within the first month because he was inconsiderate of my feelings when I needed him. I took him back only for him to tell me he watched porn behind my back. Whatever, another low point in my life for even keeping him. Recently I had another low point as I had a lot of feelings bottled up, but I have nobody else to talk to. He tried to figure out what was wrong, I kept telling him to just care about me. Like comfort me, tell me you love me, things alike because I needed to hear it. Instead, he goes out his way to prove a stupid fucking point. That I can control depression if I really wanted to. He blamed me for being sad and what the hell man? I got angry at him and raised my voice telling him to be a decent fucking boyfriend or I am through. He cowards away and basically starts to whimper that I hurt his feelings. I tell him that it's unfair because I have always been there for him and I feel like shit and nobody takes care of me at times needed. He thinks i'm being mean to him for hurting his feelings….when this motherfucker can't show an ounce of love when I ask. I do all the dumb shit he wants to make him feel better. After I calmed down, I consoled him feeling so defeated. Making sure he feels fine and stops crying. I am so tired. I am too fucking tired to be dealing with this giant fucking baby. I wanted to sort out our issues by yesterday and he flat out says nothing. It takes hours to get anything out of him. I am beyond patient, but oh my god this man, this son of a bitch has me at my wits end. Now he's sad because instead of being with my family, he wants me to call him and just stay there for him because he's hurt I didn't say extra sweet things for him when I spent hours upon hours fucking comforting him. He flat out rejects everything I try. He doesn't care how much I am trying for him. I am trying so hard to keep us together, but he keeps being so inconsiderate of me. He keeps asking and asking more of me when, hello? I need you to be man up and take care of me? I still feel like shit, I barely slept trying to make him feel better. He pushes me to the edge, I feel like a single mother of one. Now he's texting me saying I was mean yesterday, when I spent the majority of the day trying to tend his emotions. Does this man ever think how ungrateful he is? He asks for more and doesn't take no for an answer. If I don't do what he says he keeps asking it and doesn't give a fuck if I want to or not. God I am so mother fucking tired of this BULLSHIT. I love him, but fuck man. I am too stressed out, I had a test today and I failed it because he needed me because I hurt his pissbaby feelings because HE HURT MY FEELINGS AND I REACTED SAD. What do I even do with myself anymore, I am so tired so so so tired of this shit. I had a breakdown too soon, if I break up I think I will need to admit myself to a ward. I can't handle anything right now, but he still wants more without giving me anything. I'm so hurt. What do I even do anymore???
No. 157418
>>157409I think you already know what to do, anon, you just need to do it.
He clearly doesn’t listen to you or truly care for you, otherwise otherwise he’d sit the fuck down, ask you how he can help you and make you feel loved and then, you know, actually do those things instead of whining about how he’s hurt. Like yes, idiot, being told that you aren’t being a good boyfriend sucks but any mature man worth his salt would put his ego aside and start working with you/on himself to be better for you.
He’s an immature brat and doesn’t understand what a partnership really means. I don’t think you’ll be able to change that. That has to come from him and he’s clearly failing.
Stop coddling him, stop consoling him, stop begging him to listen to you and tell him you’re done. You might love him but if he’s not going to put genuine effort into the relationship then it’s not worth sticking around. Sounds like you’ve told him enough times.
No more excuses from him and no more excusing him.
No. 157420
>>157409L
E
A
V
E
Right now. Dump the shit out of that manbaby. And if I were you I would be as bitter as I could and hurt him as much as I could.
Let him cry and whine but stop being his mommy.
No. 157434
>>157350OK, so. If you, at 22, recognise that this 35-y-o grown man is immature, he really really is. If he's got to that age and not grown the fuck up AND he's going after a barely adult girl… yeah. He is not a catch. Take it from a bitch in her 30s… there's a reason he does not have a queue of women his own age around the block.
Enjoy his company if you like, but realise this: you are living your youth, and to be specific the part of your youth that is supposed to be about YOU. You growing, you changing, you experimenting, you becoming into who you are. That is not going to happen very well if you're with some immature geezer who's nearly 40 when you've just turned 25. Think about that. Seriously.
He is in a completely different phase of his life than you are, he has vastly more life experience AS AN ADULT than you have, and a longer dating history (and yes, not dating counts as a dating history). Don't be a dummy and be manipulated by a guy just because you're too naive. I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you how very very mature you are for your age and how you are nothing at all like most chicks your age, but come on. Dick is abundant and low value, and you can find someone your own age who isn't an overgrown immature manchild.
Please don't tie this millstone about your neck just because he makes you feel special, anon.
No. 157441
>>157350The advice in
>>157434 is really solid anon, I hope you listen to her. I'm
>>157334 and to elaborate, I was 18 when I met my first husband who was 14 years older than me. He wasn't a "bad" guy who necessarily set out to groom me or ruin my life. To this day I don't think he went into the relationship with consciously poor intentions. But that doesn't mean he wasn't immature and careless in the extreme, which had horrible repercussions for me.
He was ignorant of how much he'd influence and destroy the normal social life I should've had, the constant strain he'd put on me when he should've been capable of caring for himself. I stayed in that relationship for 7 YEARS because I thought you were supposed to be there for the one you "love" no matter what, meaning a grown ass man allowed a child to emotionally and financially support him that long. He'd say how he felt he was holding me back, how I deserved better, how I was an angel who shouldn't waste any more time on him… and yet he never did shit about it. Doesn't this already sound like your guy, "Why spend time with an 'old man' like me?" Yet he isn't putting his foot down like a responsible adult should? That isn't someone you should respect. In the end, I was the one who had to walk away after wasting so much precious time. You do not want to be the "firm hand guiding him," believe me. That is not your job, you are not his mother, and it will eventually kill all the attraction you feel.
When I finally found a partner my own age it was a world of difference. We relate to each other so much better, everything feels natural and easy, and he's a million times more responsible than my ex ever was. I know you say you don't see this lasting very long, and it's good you're trying to keep a balanced outlook. But you're playing with fire. It would be so much more fulfilling and enjoyable for you to find someone to go on that journey of self discovery together, someone who's at the same point and who will be able to properly appreciate the things you're going through as an equal partner rather than an emotional leech. I know finding guys who aren't on social media and all that bullshit is rare, but if I found one then you can too.
No. 157456
>>157441You hit the nail on the head in every regard anon. I was in a relationship with a 9 year age difference when I was 19, with a man who I had been friends with since I was 17, and when I look back I think wtf was I doing? And wtf was he doing, a man nearly 30, dating a teenager? The relationship was unhealthy for more reasons than just the age gap, and while I don't think he necessarily intended to groom me or be the total piece of shit that he was, it fucked me up in more ways than one. Oh, and he did the same "You're such a pure sweet angel who deserves better than me :(" thing but then never did anything to change lol
I know
>>157330 isn't a teenager so maybe it's not as bad, but I'm in my mid 20s now and I am just SO different than I was when I was 19 and I can't imagine, at my age, entering a relationship with a teenager. I'm sure once I'm in my 30s I'll feel the same about being in a relationship with someone in their early 20s. I'm now dating someone my age and like you said it feels so much more "natural." Even if I didn't see it at the time, when I was in the age gap relationship I don't feel like I was totally myself, I didn't feel as though I could let myself go because I wanted to come across as mature and on his level. My current bf actually feels like my peer and my friend. Even if the guy is some manchild and so you think he can't be manipulating you and that you're more matched in maturity because of that, he's 35 years old, he's presumably not an idiot and he knows the power he has, and I'd say "immature" guys like that probably have even more of an ability to be manipulative and damaging. Basically what
>>157434 said.
I'm not going to say that every age gap relationship is harmful and the older party is always some devious asshole out to groom you and steal your youth away, I was actually in another age gap relationship when I was 21 that was decidedly less bad than the first but there was certainly still a power imbalance and a feeling of having to try too hard on my end. Ultimately I prefer my relationship with my same aged partner a million times over. So I definitely recommend being cautious.
No. 157470
>>157459just don't respond if you're gonna be salty and unhelpful
>>157460yeah i haven't had sex since i was with him, i just hate how he did this to me because before him i couldn't imagine having sex without protection
>>157463thanks for the suggestion, i'll check out IUD's and other options.
No. 157486
>>157470>>157459 is right.
There's no being "helpful" here because indeed you know your options. Or take it to Google if you actually don't know what types of BC are available.
I genuinely don't get what kind of responses you expected? You either have sex unprotected and risk getting pregnant or you use birthcontrol. There's no way around it and you know that.
No. 157539
Come on y'all, take a step back.. she's barely in pads.
>>157526You need to chill the fuck out and learn that people on the internet don't exist to serve your whims.
Your birth control options are IUDs, rings, foams, and diaphragms. There's a shit ton of other options, but you have the internet. Yep, sex is great without having to wear a condom or take hormones, but what's also great is not being some patient zero bitch straight out of Contagion. Weigh your options wisely.
No. 157723
I'm in a new relationship with a guy from another city, and I feel like he's losing interest. He texts me way less than before and it started a month ago or so. I know he's prone to, well, not depression maybe, but dysthymia?.. some sort of that, and he has an ungrateful job (idk exactly where to put it - blue-collar kind or pink, doesn't matter). So he says that he's exhausted most of the time and doesn't want to talk to anyone. And, indeed, he got more passive in conversations when he started working (our relationship started two months ago when he was on vacation in my city). When I was visiting him a couple of weeks ago, it still wasn't really clear to me whether he wants this relationship or not, he was giving mixed signals and answered evasively on my direct question.
Ok, now that I'm writing it down, it becomes more and more clear to me lol. It's just that it started so wonderful and he seemed so genuinely eager. Also I really like him, his personality, and I felt like something great could come out of it. I wasn't in love for a long time, my previous relationship (that has ended partially because of me meeting him) was based on friendship for the most part and was too 'rational' and lackluster. So I was just happy to feel alive again. And now… I want to make excuses for this guy and hope that it'll get better or something, but I don't wanna be naive either. Shit it's so upsetting. Guess I just wanted to vent.
No. 157877
>>157864Him just not eating you out doesn't have much to do with his experience level, Is he inexpereinced or just not interested in your pleasure?
How long have you been together?
No. 157881
>>157877I believe it’s both parts.
We have been together for a year. He has gone down on me twice. He didn’t know what he was doing either time (didn’t find the clit, just did weird stuff with his mouth), and stopped after like two minutes.
He doesn’t know how to finger either, and doesn’t really seem interested to know.
Meanwhile I’ve countless times gone down on him and used 40-50 minutes to make him come.
No. 157883
>>157864>>157881So… four whole mins of oral over a whole year. That is PATHETIC. If he can't take instruction or get off his lazy ass to learn how to get you off, what good is he? What does he bring to the relationship? He doesn't sound charming, and he can't even get you off. Useless.
If you have a sex drive, life is too short to waste on some guy who's too selfish and inept to even make you cum. OK? The bar is so low for straight dudes that it's a fucking tavern in Hades. Start prioritising yourself, girl.
Don't waste your best years on some dude who's too self-involved to give you pleasure. If he can be outdone by a 15 euro toy with batteries not included, he's a shit partner and deserves to be punted to the curb - at least the toy has a warranty and a good chance of getting you off.
No. 157886
>>157881Sounds like he's a porn addicted coomer. Almost a fucking HOUR of oral to make him cum? Come on, girl.
He can easily jerk off and cum in less than five minutes, but it takes an HOUR with his GIRLFRIEND?
This guy is fucking hopeless. You either have a long, hard road of supporting him through porn sickness recovery (if he even ever admits to it) or you'll be stuck with this until you are 100% turned off and disgusted by his touch.
I would seriously discuss this now rather than just "waiting until he learns".
No. 157887
>>157883>The bar is so low for straight dudes that it's a fucking tavern in HadesThis is an absolute fact. I (the anon who asked the original question) read some posts online about why women might not want to have sex, from both women and men’s perspective.
And the men who wrote literally always said shit like “she’s lacy”, “stuck up”, “doesn’t think about the man”, “she’s just a princess”.
Do they seriously NEVER think about why women might not want to have sex with them? Men are such lazy idiots. Majority of them don’t know shit about sex except from penetration, and yet feel entitled to us.
And you asked how he is generally. He’s quite sensitive and kind and not the typical manly man, but has still bragged about the women he has fucked. Disappointing how he still doesn’t know shit.
No. 157889
>>157886True. I’m already tired as fuck of his behaviour, and I have told him to set aside a few hours for later this evening so we can talk about this. The sex is important in a relationship if its something both parties want to have.
At this point I am even sick of getting kissed. The sex is especially more of a chore than someone fun.
No. 157896
>>157889I don't know if there's much there left to salvage if you're physically repulsed by him already, anon. Not your fault - that's just your body telling you what you subconsciously know: you're done, you don't want him, and he's managed to turn you off completely.
Don't stick in a relationship like this. I'm serious - spending a long time with someone who does not want you, and who does not care about you or your pleasure will do a huge number on your self-respect and self-image. You sound young: there's tons of men out there who can do the bare minimum and lick your clit. You'll only make yourself miserable wasting more time on this idiot who thinks himself some sort of sex savant but can't even find your clit.
No. 157930
>>157887>He’s quite sensitive and kind and not the typical manly man, but has still bragged about the women he has fuckedOh, one of those. So he's emotionally manipulative then?
Anon, please dump this idiot. If the guy has still not found it within himself to care about your pleasure after a year, it's not going to happen. I stayed with a guy like this for five years and can count on one hand the amount of times he made me cum. He outright refused to give me oral. He didn't have a lot of sex partners before me, but was more than happy to brag about all the sex that he'd with his "younger" previous gf. These narc coomers are all the fucking same. They always have some half-assed excuse as to why they won't try harder in bed (usually they just blame you), but all it ever amounts to is lazy, misogynistic entitlement. You simply aren't worth the effort to them.
Funnily enough, I used to believe my ex's bullshit about me being "too difficult to get off" and just thought it was always going to be like that. My current bf, who was a literal virgin when we first got together, got me to cum for the first time from oral after two tries. How?
He actually fucking tried. He literally just spent more than two minutes down there, paid attention to my reactions, listened to me when I told him what I did and didn't like, etc.
Experience has nothing to do with pleasure. Anyone who actually takes the time to learn your body can learn it. Your bf isn't trying and you deserve better.
No. 158807
My boyfriend is really boring. Whenever we have a conversation about something more than just small talk, it's always me carrying it. Usually when he comes over to me, it's just to initiate sex.
I also really appreciate romantic gestures, he knows this, but never does anything romantic. Whenever I get upset about something he does, he just says a quick "sorry" and expects things to be fine.
He treats me well otherwise, is kind and supportive, and sometimes I feel like if I lose him I won't find a guy like him who's loyal, hardworking, and not a total dick. But on the other hand, I can't help but feel unsatisfied in our relationship. Am I just asking for too much?
No. 158809
>>158807There are lots of loyal, kind and supportive men out there. You shouldn't force yourself to stay with one guy because you will "never find another one like him" thats a very bad way to think regardless of gender.
>Whenever we have a conversation about something more than just small talk, it's always me carrying itI am not very talkative in my relationship but I still try to make an effort when talking to my SO about things that they like or care about. This sounds really bad to me
>I also really appreciate romantic gestures, he knows this, but never does anything romantic. This is the thing that really rubs me the wrong way about what you said, it'd be one thing if you just expected these things from him and he wasn't aware but if you have communicated that you do like that stuff then that's a serious problem.
No. 158852
>>158807yikes. being trapped with someone boring who doesn't communicate in your language sounds rough. do you really want to spend your time reaching down to communicate with someone who doesn't even try to return the favor? Kinda sounds like You guys are just using each other for company and he is 'just settling' for you as much as you are for him. like "yeah she talks a lot about stuff i don't care about but she is nice and lets me have sex with her so eh." I am also assuming you guys aren't that deep in if you can only default to small talk. Better to cut it off before it gets too hard.
Also, if you're going to be bored all day why not be bored without the extra effort of taking care of a checked-out dude. is the lukewarm body worth it?
the romantic gestures thing is more of a love language problem. What kind of stuff do you want? I personally prefer practical favors, thoughtfulness and verbal support since I think showy romantic stuff is kind of kitschy, but as long as you're not asking for anything over the top, that's just another reason to find someone who naturally does that kind of thing.
No. 159035
>>158992He was testing the waters to see if you were still into him, he didn't want to break up with his new girl and not have a safety net.
>I blocked him anywayLove it, fabulous
No. 159114
>>159112i am OP and this is what seems like will happen. with me. he's already asked if i would be okay with him coming over in the evenings sometimes.
>>159109he's not absolutely disappearing, and this happened for like a little while we were talking online, but it's just for a long time this time. so far he has made time to talk to me every like two days, and left a couple of messages when he goes to bed and gets up if i am not online. he said he is going to try to see me this weekend, but this is pretty hard.
No. 159146
>>159130It's not necessarily wrong at all, but it's true that men are more likely to be "friends" with a woman in hopes of eventually getting sex/nudes. I've had a lot of male friends come on to me and quietly ghost me after I made it obvious I didn't want to fuck them or I started dating someone else, it's disappointing but definitely pretty common. I still have some male friends that I've known for years who aren't like that, so it's possible of course.
Your boyfriend either thinks this guy is an orbiter waiting to shoot his shot, or he's a controlling asshole who only sees women as sex objects and has zero female friends himself.
Unless your friend is messaging you constantly and acting overly affectionate, it sounds like your boyfriend is just controlling. You've only been dating a few months. Just because he's been cheated on before doesn't mean he can dictate your perfectly reasonable relationships.
No. 159152
>>159107A self-employed bitch, here: I regularly push 12 hr workdays when I have a big deadline coming up… and I still can find a few minutes here and there to talk to friends and family via text, WhatsApp, or whatever. Be upfront with him and flat out tell him that you want to hear from him daily, or you'll take his complete radio silence as the sign of disinterest and total self-absorbption that it absolutely is. (Men usually are incredibly bad at doing the "meta work" of human interaction, ie remembering other people exist when not in their immediate line of sight.)
It's completely fair to tell him that you're interested in him, but that you also have some basic-ass requirements! You're not being unreasonable. Crunch time and deadlines can be murder when you're self-employed, and it's easy to lose track of your social life because it DOES give you tunnel vision if you're not careful. Maybe you can snap him out of it - but if not, don't waste too much time on him if he makes further excuses and leaves you on read for days.
No. 159169
>>159130You seem pretty aware that it's his past haunting him, the worrying part is that nothing happened to make him question you but he's still becoming more paranoid as time goes on. I mean nothing about your friendship screams threatening. You have no romantic history with the guy and it's an online friendship where you play games.. You're entitled to keep your friendship. You haven't been inappropriate or done anything wrong here.
If he's getting worse over time he needs to address it himself with some therapy. Not just 'I'll work on it by myself in my head' but actual therapy. He won't improve magically without doing that. This might not be a risk in your case but when men are paranoid about cheating it can escalate to a point where they isolate you or become
abusive. It is on him to get help and resolve his past.
No. 159214
>>159212he's self employed but has no cell? sorry anon but this seems very weird to me, plus
> sometimes it's too much work to open up a laptopsure…
No. 159245
File: 1605046065652.jpg (509.3 KB, 750x915, 1604780636420.jpg)
>>159212>self-employed>has no personal cell>he's busy >has energy to open up a laptop and message you at 2am Anon, even if you want to give this man a GENEROUS benefit of the doubt, is this what you want to deal with in a relationship? An emotionally distant, absentee man who couldn't even be reached in an emergency? Someone who's going to go through phases of being so busy that he won't talk to you or plan cute dates, only hitting you up when he's down to fuck?
Sounds like a shitshow where you'll be doomed to neglect. There's other fish in the sea, get you a man who wants to spend every waking moment of his free time with you. That's what I did, and nowadays I don't know how I ever bargained with dudes like yours who were probably fucking a rotation of girls while giving us these bullshit excuses.
No. 159247
>>159152>Men usually are incredibly bad at doing the "meta work" of human interaction, ie remembering other people exist when not in their immediate line of sightSure…
uninvested men act like that.
>>159245>>159222I second all of those, he's bullshitting you and is only interested in a fuck when it's convenient to him
No. 159269
>>159267Why doesn't he seem like a good fit? He's not bothering you and your relationship is healthy and you admit you would be depressed after you broke up. Sounds like you're making excuses for yourself for some reason.
In regards to your question I would just dump him immediately, if you have this idea in your head you are dumping this guy after in a few weeks/months you are naturally going to be more distant and cold. That whole time he will be wondering what the fuck is going on and doubting himself and that isn't fair to him
No. 159270
>>159269He doesn’t seem like a good fit because other than doing stuff like playing video games and treating me with respect, he’s doing nothing for his career. He’s procrastinating around college and doesn’t know what the fuck to major in, despite me giving him a hand in finding what careers he’d be interested in. I don’t see him as a good father either because I do want kids and he seems like hes going to dump chores and literally everything else on me.
I don’t want to marry a manchild and the thought of babysitting him sucks. Even though his attitude isn’t a filthy scrote where he has to cum to porn all the time, he’s pretty lazy in every aspect of his life and I’m sad I can’t motivate him to do any better.
I just feel like I’d get depressed because he’s been there for me for every breakdown I’ve had but I know that there's someone else out there better than him.
No. 159278
>>159272When my mom met my stepdad he was a vegetarian, technically a pescatarian since he ate seafood every now and then.
It was really annoying for my mom because she'd be stuck cooking two versions of the same dish for every meal, one with meat for me and her and one without just for my stepdad.
Eventually my stepdad wanted to eat meat with us cause it's fucking delicious. He felt kinda punky at first but over time he converted to eating meat again and it took a huge load off my mom who felt she had to cook for him.
I think our generation will be different cause men will be expected to cook more for themselves. The days of women having to toil and fuss over what their men are eating are eroding. However, if you're getting serious with him you might want to pick his brain about his views about family and what dietary restrictions he'd enforce on your kids if you had them. My stepdad's brother is a militant vegetarian and actively shames my adult cousin for her wanting to eat meat every now and then. Once I treated her to dinner, and she lamented about wanting to try meat on the menu. When I told her she could order it and I wouldn't tell, she acted like I was trying to persuade her into trying drugs and felt it was a betrayal against her dad. No kid should ever feel that guilty and ashamed. She slips meat every now and then but I can tell she carries major guilt.
I think it could still work if he's vegan, so long as he doesn't expect you to go vegan too or cook special meals for him routinely. If he wants to be vegan then he's gotta handle his own bullshit, basically. Maybe if you get to the point of living together you could have one or two 'vegan' nights as a compromise just to be open-minded and not make him feel alienated. But non-medical dietary restrictions are such a bitch to handle, I don't blame you for being turned off. Hopefully he won't try to force that on you like
>>159273 said.
No. 159280
>>159273He's not preachy but thinks everyone should be vegan
>>159278Tbh I'm hoping he's one of those vegans that abandons it eventually. I've been eating vegan versions of shit with him and it's fine but I can't live without meat and I need to have it at least once a week. I feel judged when I do eat it around him.
Men do stupid shit when they're in love. Maybe he'll give it up. But he's such a sweetheart his morals won't allow that to happen.
I haven't asked about the kids. Odds are he'll want them vegan and I'd die before letting my kids be put under abuse like that
No. 159282
>>159278>men will be expected to cook more for themselves. The days of women having to toil and fuss over what their men are eating are erodingI don’t see this at all, almost all the younger (20s-30s) couples I know still have the woman doing 90% of the cooking. I’ve asked some of my friends and they all give the old “oh he’s so clueless in the kitchen” excuse.
Either way I don’t see how it’s a big deal if he’s vegan, I eat meat but I like pretty much every vegetarian/vegan dish I’ve tried. Eating vegan sometimes won’t kill you. Is he eating like, junk food or simple salads? There’s a ton of delicious vegan Indian dishes. It doesn’t seem like he’s being annoying about his food. Just make sure he knows he’s doing his own cooking and you’re still gonna eat meat on your own time kek.
No. 159284
>>159283It doesn’t sound like he’s asking you to be vegan though?
The kids thing is kinda hard, I think you should talk to him about it and make sure he knows you’re not going to give up meat. As long as he’s fine with that, restaurants/family dinners will be slightly annoying but not a big deal. If he’s expecting you to convert eventually, that’s a problem.
No. 159293
>>159173Anon, I really sympathize with your situation and I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but I have to be blunt with you. If the mere
idea of being touched is enough to give you a full blown panic attack, you are not ready for a relationship. I think your time would be better spent investing in some trauma-focused therapy to help you learn some grounding techniques so that you're no longer so reactive to being touched.
No. 159327
>>159286oof vegans are so exhausting and self righteous.
> the whole planet should be vegan and how you're unethical if you eat meatonision tier reasoning right there. he's not worth it anon, even if he's insanely hot you'll end up hating him, BUT! you can always just fuck him until you get bored of him, you dont have to think about his personality or "moral superiority" that way. kek
No. 159331
>>159308It's tough because he's perfect otherwise. My family like him too, it's just almost too good to be true so of course something had to be wrong. Also I don't want to change him nor would I try, I respect his decision for himself, I just have an unrealistic hope that he changes himself alone.
>>159327Well I guess it's better than being alone. I just don't want to fall deeper and end up vegantarding myself.
No. 159342
>>159272>>159335I think you should probably have a conversation with him to establish wether he wants/expects you to become vegan in the future. You should also probably talk about how you'd wanna go about his veganism if you (hypothetically) have kids with him later.
As long as you don't have it clear what he expects from you and your future kids and if you can compromise, you can't decide if it's a dealbreaker for you or not.
Personally, if he keeps his veganism to himself and doesn't force you or your future kids to be vegan, I wouldn't consider it a dealbreaker. Yeah it might be difficult with having meals together or with family sometimes but I think it would be a waste to throw away an otherwise very good and healthy relationship with a good guy over a difference in diet. I think you can overcome that if both parties are willing to compromise and work together.
If he does want you and/or your future kids to become vegan, that's another story and definitely something to think about.
No. 159343
>>159335Put yourself on his position. He has to endure her meat-lover girlfriend even though he's (rightly) strongly ethically against it but he hasn't tried to change you at all and you want to break up with him just because you're annoyed that he says general (right) comments about how fucked up the meat industry is. This anon
>>159334 is right and you're being inmature. Relationships and people aren't perfect but if you see this as a "flaw" you're wrong, there are way better ways to deal with this but I still think you're being unfair to him
No. 159344
>>159343Fuck off veggie. I agree that OP sounds a bit unhinged as well (wanting to change someone just for her own comfort) but you vegans always have to ruin everything.
I agree with
>>159342.
No. 159347
>>159343I don't see how you inserting your own strong views on the meat industry is helping.
>>159272If you can both be accepting of the others wishes then you'll be ok but if either tries to push the other then it might be easier to bow out now rather than clash heads over something that will always be an issue.
No. 159368
>>159346>you guys just can't handle the truth that being vegan is ethically rightthat's such an ignorant claim, the growing of your food still causes human suffering (mistreatment and underpayment of farm labourers esp. in developing countries), still harms the environment (pesticides, carbon footprint importing many staples of the typical vegan diet), and guess what? STILL kills animals (is the life of a cow worth more than a rodents?).
I know it's hard to buy food that wasn't produced causing any of these things, especially if you're poor, but to say simply eating plants instead of animals is "ethically right" isn't correct and doesn't warrant you giving yourself a pat on the back for your superior moral compass
No. 159376
>>159373oof… case and point, all of you are annoying as fuck. go suck onision's balls and stop derailing a
relationship advice thread with your moral highground autism
No. 159379
>>159107The amount of red flags here, does this guy have a whole family that he's not telling you about because he's in the perfect position here to be keeping those kinds of secrets.
> so far he has made time to talk to me every like two days > self enployed man, met him online, has no cell phoneGirl this sounds so dodgy. He's fucking you but also creating this distance where god knows what else is happening in his life. No cell phone to contact him on?? He was a live-in gf or something. Think about it, you have no cell number and no place of work to contact… covering his tracks
No. 159405
>>159379OP here again. all of you actually gave me sort of useless advice (including this) but it's not your fault, the situation is just worse than i imagined.
thanks anyway tho.
No. 159442
File: 1605140995701.jpg (60.61 KB, 480x360, vegans.jpg)
>>159373go eat bugs with your hippy commune friends and leave us alone veganigger
No. 159494
>>159484Tricky thing to give advice on. I've seen other anons state that they won't date any man who watches porn but if you enter a relationship and obviously live seperately for a long time before even considering moving in together…. you can't know what he's doing in private. By banning it you're likely to send him into this denial of his habits where he still does it…but just swears to you that he doesn't.
I've personally always watched a bit of it myself so my standard in a relationship is that I accept that he might watch it whenever I'm say out for the evening without him. I don't even ask but I accept that it's a possibility and if he's not losing interest in our own sex life and he's not making me do porno shit in bed, then I'm good. I also think people in relatiosnhips are entitled to masturbate and not owe an explanation for doing that. I would try and figure out his porn tastes early on. Ask in a way that seems open minded and you're more likely to get honesty out of him. If he descibes being into some heavy shit that turns you off then it's fair for that to be a dealbreaker. Any guy who is already full on pornsick can't be changed.
No. 159500
>>145234so there's this guy, right? we've been seeing each other for a few months now on the weekends, sometimes during the week too. he'll go out of his way to come visit me… a few times he even paid a pricy cab fare so i could come see him in the middle of the night. we got to know each other through his ex girlfriend, and he was my plug, still is. i don't know how to get close to him, he says he'll never be able to trust another woman again because of his two exes (the one i know really is insane). but i want to get close to him and to help him, if i can. i'm worried he thinks i'm only with him because of drugs, but that's not true, and i try really hard to show him how much i appreciate him and love spending time with him regardless if drugs are involved or not. he plays the hot/cold game with me, and even though i know what he's doing, i fall for it like a tard. i want to get close to him so badly, but i don't know how to get him to open up… should i try harder? pull back and give him time? we have like a 10 year difference between us too which makes things more complicated, i'm 20 myself
No. 159504
>>159500 > he says he'll never be able to trust another woman againIf he's warning you off like that then I seriously would take that warning. Don't even fuck him if he has such issues with women. When men are honest enough to say that shit, you run. You won't fix him. Many years of therapy might fix him, might not.
Doing drugs together, playing hot and cold with you, him being 30.. You can't bullshit yourself hard enough to make that sound okay. I'm 30 and take it from me any 30 year old fucking around with 20 year olds shouldn't be doing so. Even with all his issues he's not just a
victim of exes, he's way ahead of you in life experience and you will be played like a fiddle if you stick around.
No. 159511
>>159500> he says he'll never be able to trust another woman againAnon, don't stick around a man like this and don't try to change him. You're playing a dangerous game by trying to change him. You're betting that he'll eventually start trusting you and want to go into a serious relationship with you but if that doesn't happen he can just tell you "Well I warned you that I wouldn't trust another woman ever again." And when that happens you're left with a lot of wasted time and energy and heartbreak. He can basically excuse any behaviour that way. Don't try to be the one who fixes him, you won't and you're setting yourself up for hurting.
+ age gap.
No. 159514
>>159511 > He can basically excuse any behaviour that wayThis, some men using the excuse of 'my ex fucked me up so bad that I can't trust' are actually just using it as an excuse to never commit or never have to act like a decent reliable person. Trauma is one thing (go visit a professional then my guy) but all too often these men are blaming a woman for their own long term shortcomings. It's convenient to play the
victim. Yet they create further (younger, female)
victims along the way. As you get older you'll see this shit a mile away.
No. 159528
>>159484I dont know if this is considered derailing or not, but this seems like as good a place to ask as any: what do you consider to be porn? What part of it (and his consuming it) feels like crossing a line? I've been wondering for a while if it's possible to figure out what percentage of people actually watch it, it still being taboo enough to lie about in much of the world. I realized a lot of people are talking about different things when they say "porn"?
On the one hand there's the mainstream, explpitative, porn industry that's unrealistic, exploitative, and seems all-round terrible, but there's also independently produced stuff that might not even depict a sex act. Then, what about literotica? If it's not visual and doesn't depict a real person is that still the same? Or if it is visual but doesn't depict a real person, like a drawing, or even a hyper realistic 3d rendering of a person that doesnt actually exist?
Is it just him thinking about/getting turned on by something besides you that feels wrong? Or is it just the consumption of something that you feel morally unjustifiable that's the problem?
>>159494This anon mentioned masturbation, is that something you view as completely distinct from watching porn?
No. 159532
>>159500>a few times he even paid a pricy cab fare so i could come see him in the middle of the nightThis doesn't sound like a compliment anon, it sounds like he paid for sex. A guy paying for your cab is only sweet if you're going to a nice restaurant or on a date, not over to his house.
But yeah, what everyone else said. You won't "fix" him, but you will waste a lot of time and energy trying and you'll probably feel bad about yourself afterwards.
>>159528Can't speak for everyone, but my issues are mostly with the porn industry and overall ubiquitous sexualization of women. Read up on pretty much any porn-related company, they're scummy as hell. The tactics they use to get young women to perform are underhanded at best and illegal at worst. Being a shitty company is one thing, being a shitty company who hosts rape videos of underage girls is something much worse.
Besides that, I don't really believe most women would choose to do porn of their own accord. My first shitty retail job as a poorfag teenager, my male coworkers told me I should be a stripper if I was sick of not having money. There's definitely a pervasive idea that if a young woman doesn't have money, she should just do porn/stripping/onlyfans. Just sell your body or you can't complain about being poor. I guess there is amateur stuff, but there's also a shitload of revenge porn.
I also think it's harmful that there is so much media (even non-pornographic) that sexualizes women. It's easily accessible, it's addicting, it's everywhere. I looked at a lot of porn as a teenager and it definitely changed the way I perceived women.
No. 159540
>>159528>is it just the consumption of something that you feel morally unjustifiable that's the problem?Yes this, sort of. I wouldn't mind if he watched like movie sex scenes or pictures of hot celebs or something. Just porn because of past experience of being posted on a site when I was underage and it has really fucked me up so I just can't help myself but really dislike porn, it's more emotional than logical for me, I admit. And masturbation is not something I would consider bad at all, I do it too, it's normal and chill. I do believe I can't just tell him to stop watching it, because that is unreasonable but breaking off with him because of this minor thing just sounds so stupid and yet I feel so hellbent on it.
>>159532I agree with this anon too.
No. 159575
>>159528As a person who only gets off to the thought of their partner and isn't attracted to other people, it's because it feels unfair to me. It's a difficult moral quandary for me from that perspective because my partner can't help being attracted to other people. But they're specifically seeking out other people to beat off to and that's kind of over the line for me, especially given I'd never do that. However, porn and lusting over others other than your partner is so accepted that I feel like I can't complain.
It's complicated because my boyfriend tries to explain it that it's just a masturbating aid. But that is incredibly hard for me to fathom. Is it literally just an image for him to fap to regardless of who's in it, and it's the fact it's depicting something sexual? But why are people choosy about their porn then? Why do some people clearly have a developed "type" in porn that is totally the opposite of their partner? I feel like that's some weird kind of wish fulfillment.
No. 159577
>>159575If it gives you peace of mind, I had the same issues with porn i.e. Partner seeking out someone else to beat off too. I myself would never pleasure myself because I had a hang up about it. Skip a few years and I can get myself off. I've looked up porn but I was already horny, I wasn't seeking someone to get off too, I just didn't want someone ugly to look at and my thoughts weren't about the porn stars they were just setting an ambience if that makes sense.
I use to think any viewing of porn was cheating, but then I used it a few times in a relationship. Now I don't care. Obviously there's other issues that can arise if they actively just seek out porn or they become porn sick.
No. 159580
>>159540sounds perfectly logical to me, like
>>159543 said. I think if you explain it to him like that, and he's able to empathize like an adult, then you two shouldn't have a problem figuring out something that works for both of you. If not, then perhaps it's not such a "minor thing" and it doesn't sound stupid to break up over at all.
>>159532>>159575>>159577All great responses, I think it's really interesting to hear different perspectives. I almost wish it was something people could talk more about, just because I feel like there's so much nuance that gets lost when people say porn is fine and normal, or bad and harmful, you should or shouldn't watch it etc. As for the justification that it's just a masturbation aid, I hear that a lot, and if there really is this huge gulf between how men and women are wired around sex/arousal then maybe it's hopeless to try and understand the other side (though I don't believe that). I can understand wanting visual stimulation the same way you might use a physical one like lube, or auditory with asmr or whatever, but it gets disturbing if you're reducing another human being to just an image or video and ignoring the fact that they exist outside that medium. In the end I think it comes back to the circumstances under which something was produced; I'm still torn on that because I think it varies. I've definitely heard girls saying how making porn is empowering, or they like doing it for themselves, and it seems really infantilizing for me to try and argue they're just brainwashed and are really being exploited despite what they say. At the same time, it seems like for every one of those there's two exposing all the other skeezy shit that other anons have already mentioned.
Seems to me like the kind of thing you should at least talk about in every relationship. You can find out a lot about a person from how they express their views on porn.
No. 159613
>>159606Same person. Back in May when he first got the board he also screamed at me the night he got it because I was concerned for his safety and wanted him to wear a helmet. Said everyone could "eat shit and die" including me for not believing in him. He recently almost got ran over because he was too focused on his phone while riding so I guess this was a
valid concern after all…regardless since the day he got it he has treated me like shit over it.
No. 159618
>>159615He says he is so crazy about it because we are poor and couldn't afford another one and he never has such nice things…but honestly…I grew up poorer than he did and I'm not like that when he accidentally bumps my $800+ work setup and equipment. It's not worth fighting over and being a dick if it was an accident imo.
And yeah him and his fucking phone drive me up the wall lmfao he checks it way too fucking much.
No. 159620
>>159606So he's acting like a child and tantruming over toys, yet he's scolding you like YOU are the child… that and the "go eat shit and die" line is the same catchphrase my fave cow had (rip the days of phoebe tickner threads) You'll never get this man to see his own tardness. Given these examples I suspect he'll always battle you, demean you and think he's right.
Seems like one of those posts where you already know the answer. He's talking to you in a way that you should never accept.
No. 159621
>>159618I'm not poor and I wouldn't consider getting a skateboard for a grand, especially with all the intent obsolescence problems (coworker's bf also bought an expensive electric skateboard, constantly had problems), just use public transportation, it's less dangerous and everybody won't hate him.
I really don't get why he lost his shit when you unplugged it, it's not like it shuts down completely and has to be rebooted like a video game console, you just plug it back and done, nothing happened. Honestly, break up with him, you don't deserve to have anxiety over accidently bumping into his stuff.
No. 159625
>>159606How he behaves isn't normal or okay, even more so accusing you of lying is crossing a border that shouldn't be crossed.
>not always being uber crazy watchful over things isn't terrible of me.It's not, it's just easy for him to lash out to you because he isn't the one cleaning and cooking. He doesn't value you, or the hard work you're doing around the house. I've seen the exact same thing with my parents and it never got any better.
I don't have any advice on how to deal with this but know that you're not in the wrong. And don't allow yourself to be treated this way.
No. 159626
>>159623My advice is to get out while it's still at the verbally
abusive stage, before it escalates. He doesn't respect you.
No. 159640
>>159606He's a control freak and is literally making shit up to yell and disrespect you about. There is zero consequence to accidentally unplugging an electric scooter or power tool. Nada. Zilch. The battery life of electric skateboards are crap even with perfect care, so he's gonna really sperg out when he finds out that the battery needs replaced in another year or two. I can somewhat understand him being concerned about damage if he saw you dropping something on his stuff, but that would still be no reason to make you feel like shit about an accident and doubly so considering no harm was done. He should have apologized but he thinks he's completely justified in his reactions, so he didn't.
And that sister, is scary. You're already afraid of being blamed if something goes wrong with an electric skateboard, and there is guaranteed going to be issues with it so it's inevitable that he will rain down on you again or blame you for it.
So ask yourself: Is this really about a electronics and touching his stuff, or is this really about something else? Is this actually about his need to keep you on your toes and devalue and ignore any contributions you make? Does he really think so little of you?
No. 159650
>>159640He usually does apologize later if he sees I'm upset but…you're right. I did feel bad about dropping my phone that one time but I assured him it wasn't something that happens often and he accused me of lying.
I've found myself telling him a few times that if the damn thing is so fragile…why did he buy it in the first place and to stop recommending them to his friends, and he admits they arent that fragile to begin with. But he still acts like that later. It's so frustrating. Does seem like a deeper issue being masked by this.
No. 159664
>>159650Dated a screaming rager before and the one thing I really should've listened to was when I'd be getting screamed at (over small shit) I would go quiet and in my head I'd think 'If I ever dared to say half that shit to him or so much as raise my voice he'd either be gone or he'd never let me forget it. Hell I think he'd smack me'
The double standard of how much respect they demand from you while they're busy putting you down is just batshit.
No. 159677
>>159664Ntayrt but same.
Dated this
abusive dude who was slowly escalating his verbal abuse and violence. He battered me on a holiday and gaslit me into believing I was at fault for it even though I had treated him very well that day and it was him that got drunk and out of control. I dumped him but he harassed me into taking him back and never let me live it down for the entire month we lasted after that.
One evening we were eating a dinner we had prepared together and he got irate when I said I wasn't really feeling a titty flick he picked out to watch on Netflix, also got mad when I was quietly browsing my phone instead of watching it. Even though he was disinterested in many of my shows I liked and wouldn't watch through any of them despite forcing me to watch literal seasons of his. I couldn't imagine his reaction if I had reacted as angrily as he when he told me he didn't like my stuff.
After the meal he pointed out gooey apple fritters for dessert. I went to get one and was pleasantly eating the fritter while trying to watch his stupid show when I noticed out the corner of my eye that he was glaring at me as if he were about to hit me. I asked what, he replied through his teeth that I was chewing too loud. My mouth was closed, I don't know how else I was supposed to chew. Anyway, in a slightly annoyed tone I said "Fine I just won't eat it" and put it down. He got up from his chair, lifted the chair and threw it across the room, throwing and hitting other shit, angrily grabbed the plates from me, and then went to go rage over a cigarette. Left me in complete shock. He came back later like it was completely fucking normal and tried to cuddle me.
After that, he broke up with me.
Men like that justify everything and anything they do to us, and if we retaliate even in the slightest, they throw into a blind rage.
No. 159685
>>159606The fact that this guy doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior is one thing. The fact that you are finding it difficult to see that it’s wrong is worse. Your boyfriend is emotionally and verbally
abusive anon, please take this as seriously as if he’d gotten physical. It’s scary that you can’t easily see how fucked up and unhealthy this is and so it makes me wonder what other shitty behaviors have been normalized for you. As others have said this sort of behavior can escalate very easily and he is showing that he values objects more than your well being. Not to mention the things that happened are all accidents and occurred in the midst of you taking care of the house no less (why doesn’t he do any housework?? if he’s upset about it then he can fucking clean) and you don’t deserve to be blamed at all. But he doesn’t care about that, he just wants an opportunity to berate you. He is behaving like a child but is 10x more dangerous due to being a grown man and lacks the maturity needed to be in a relationship. You don’t scream and swear at your partner, it’s that simple. He is not loving, he isn’t even nice. I hope you leave this shithead.
No. 159698
File: 1605300151418.jpg (17.98 KB, 480x359, tumblr_9368539eca3bb9091dbf1be…)
Anyone have experience with an ex still wanting to maintain a friendship even though they're dating someone new?
For context, we dated for about 6 months in 2018. I broke up with him because I was unsure of my feelings towards him. I was his first gf and he was a virgin when we met, and he clearly had very strong feelings for me. Fast forward six months, after no contact, I reach out to him and we start seeing each other again, more casually this time. Neither of us wanted to rush into a relationship again so we agreed to take things slow and just be friends for the time being, even though we both still had feelings for each other. After about two months of this he starts seeing a new girl.
Fast forward a year and a half, my ex and his new gf seem to be in a pretty serious relationship. I'm still friends with him and we see each other every now and then to catch up. According to him, his girlfriend knows we are still friends and is okay with it (which I find weird tbh, but maybe she's just not a jealous person.)
He is always the one to initiate texts with me. He usually texts me a few times a month to see how I'm doing. What are the odds he sees me only as a friend now? Or does he still have lingering feelings for me? I find myself missing him a lot lately, but I have no desire to sabotage his relationship. I just want to know why he still maintains contact.
(He called me crying once earlier this year because he thought his gf cheated on him and was lying about it, so I don't know how strong their relationship is. But he's moving to another country with her in a few months, so idk…)
No. 159709
>>159703Sharing a similar experience before getting to the advice. I've never gotten much from sex. My experience across two long term relationships (one being a marriage) and a couple of short ones too is that in the beginning the fuzzy feeling of intimacy makes sex tolerable. After a while it then becomes emotionally taxing to go through the motions for the thousandth time. I reach a point where I dread it but do it anyway, then resentment creeps in. Then it spills over and once they know what the real issue is they resent me back. For many men they'll never wrap their head around the thought of sex being 'meh'. They see the solution as "just give me more sex" But if you do that you'll give yourself mental health issues that will last way beyond the length of the relationship.
I realise that sounds bleak, not trying to be depressing. I haven't dated for a few years because I had therapy and saw how damaging it was to have sex and know deep down I didn't want it. A few months of sex was fine. Years of being bored mid sex wasn't. The denial was deep and if I dated again I'd probably fall back into that people-pleasing mode of pretending I want it.
If I could go back I would choose to be honest and upfront. I would have a very frank conversation about what the solution would be if a potential dry spell happens. You need to figure out whether the relationship seems likely to survive bumps like that. And more importantly will you be able to walk away undamaged if it does turn out to be too much of an issue. Can you each respect the other persons needs. You need to say no if it becomes a chore. He has a right to say "y'know what I want someone who feels a real passion for sex" Don't bottle it up. Don't become a doormat providing sex like it's a service. Put it out there and hash it out with him
No. 159715
>>159698You dumped a guy who had genuine feelings for you then instead of letting him go you reeled him back in after months of no contact. Now you say
>I just want to know why he still maintains contact. Uuh maybe because it's the precedent you yourself set? I agree with
>>159700, it was messed up of you to go back to him in the first place and now you're in a weird situation. I doubt either of you will be able to properly move on until you cut things off for good. It's incredibly inappropriate that he's coming to you with issues involving his current relationship, that isn't just sharing memes or random life updates. The new girlfriend may be too naive to see it as a problem but that verges on emotional infidelity. He needs to communicate with her directly, not ask for reassurance from his former girlfriend.
No. 159722
>>159698The fact that you been on and off again (dating twice rather than once) is what makes this messy. It leaves this weird underlying expectation of 'well you never know'
>he's moving to another country with her in a few monthsI'd stay away, he's leaving anyway and you don't want to be the one blamed if their plans fall through in the meantime
No. 159875
>>159873Maybe frame it as an incompatibility issue rather than thinking you're better or worse than the next?
I can sort of relate. I did a lot of shit and self-sacrificed for my ex of almost 5 years but at the end of the day I could tell he wasn't ever going to take me seriously or reciprocate so I left. Family/friends used to tell me I was too good for him. When he bunny hopped to the next chick that was going to support his ass, he proposed to her after only 2 years. She's not prettier, or smarter, or really done much better for him than me in a stark capacity but I bet they are more compatible. She doesn't seem to mind taking care of him to the extent that he needs to have his hand held in life, and they seem to have more interests like craft beer–which I could never see the obsession about. She doesn't seem to mind entertaining his blatant mooch sisters either. To name a few.
Once you see it's about how people mesh together then it isn't really all that personal or competitive, and equally you deserve to find someone who meshes with you.
No. 159938
>>159935I met her in June this year while I met my now bf in May.
He didn't really talk to her until other people including me brought her along for hangouts. He only knows her from us bringing her along. She would make fun of him and do duets meme songs with him because they shared some meme songs in common but I didn't think much of it. He met her but never talked to her much until recently when she tries to DM him.
He shows me everything, so I can see what was said. He doesn't even compliment her.
She sent around 7 pictures in the last 4 months and tries to continue the convo when he stops messaging.
No. 159940
>>159938You don't know her well enough to know what kind of person she is or if she has a history of doing things like this. If she's exclusively sending things to him and none of the other men in your friend group, it's pretty clear that she doesn't have great intentions in mind. Were it just memes or the song thing, I wouldn't see problems. She's sending him selfies for approval though, and that's disrespectful to you, and clearly disrespectful of him too since he's obviously very uncomfortable with it.
The fact that he's sharing everything with you is pretty great, and it looks like he doesn't want to potentially be seen as facilitating her behavior further. Might even be looking for you to get him out of the situation.
Have a serious discussion with him on it, ask him what he'd like to do and if he needs your help gliding out of it without some retaliatory response from her
No. 159954
>>159934Many men actually like this kind of attention cause if they were so "concerned" about that behavior they would just shut it down instead of worrying their girlfriends and making them jealous. Just saying.
Every man who wasn't interested in my advances shut that shit down and made me not want to do it anymore.
It's not hard, it's kind of sad that you have to have a talk with him about it cause a mature man wouldn't even let this become an issue TBH.
No. 159961
>>159954Actually, he offered to but I told him I think I might overreacting and I would think about what I wanted to do. So he is waiting on me, and this is why I am here getting opinions. Sorry if I gave you impression that he wouldn't have shut it down. I found out because he let me know what is going on and said he was going to shut it down. But I said I am not sure if this warrants for him to say something.
>>159946Yeah, I didn't want to say anything either because of that. It's why he and I haven't done anything yet because I am not sure if I am being a crazy girlfriend. yeah…
>>159940Well her selfies, they will have a panda in them because haha her name also has a panda so it's a meme. < or whatever shit she has been spilling out about why she sends them. Yeah, I am thankful he is up front about this.
No. 159976
>>159974Not any of these anons, but if some male friend of my boyfriend's was dming me selfies and being inappropriate, I'd immediately shut it down, tell him he's being wildly inappropriate, and tell my bf after.
I can't imagine going to my boyfriend like "yeah your friend is asking for compliments on his selfies, should I remind him I'm taken?" the fuck? A lot of guys still approach me and I just shut it down right away, why would I ask what my boyfriend thinks about a random guy hitting on me? The answer is pretty obvious.
No. 159977
>>159973You can disagree that he wasn't trying to get a reaction from you, but it's the truth. This anon
>>159976 has it right.
No. 159986
>>159980>>159984It's not flawed at all anon, I'd immediately shut down
any mutual friend/acquaintance/whoever who was hitting on me. How does it being a mutual friend change anything? I'm in a relationship and have no desire for that kind of attention from other men, friend or not.
Like I said before, I'd definitely tell my bf that the friend was being weird, but only after I made sure that friend knows 100% that I am not interested in him. I cannot for the life of me see how anyone else would entertain someone flirting with them while they ask their bf/gf what to do about it. Absolutely makes no sense to me.
It's obvious that OP's bf was looking for a reaction. It seems like you wanna cape for this guy for some reason, but put yourself in his shoes and feel how awkward it is to let someone keep flirting with you so you can wait to get the okay to turn them down. Bizarro world shit.
No. 159987
>>159985Uh no, I don't agree with this mindset.
>>159986Again, discussing boundaries with your SO is healthy and isn't looking for a reaction. I feel bad for any type of person who is forced to read their partner's mind when it comes to this stuff. I would have done the same thing, I would told him and ask him what boundaries I should set and also if there is any ones I missed. It's not fucking hard. Jesus, you guys are hell bound on demonizing random guys in this thread.
I have been his shoes before and done something similar. It's to include the other person because a relationship is TWO people.
No. 159988
>>159987>man hate>demonizing>assume the worse about men>you women need therapyYou're being antagonistic because you can't handle being told that this behavior isn't mature, because you admit it's something you'd do.
We get it.
No. 159994
>>159973I feel like he was in the right, and just didn't know how to approach it without possibly causing some kind of massive blowout. Some people don't necessarily handle rejection well. He tried to dismiss it and not comment or compliment, and keep you aware of everything in the process. I don't think it was to let you know he was getting attention, because honestly she sounds desperate for it from him.
You're going to get a shit ton of replies, and ultimately it's up to you two in what you decide to do, but to me making it a mutual effort was respectful. Her pleas for his attention aren't cute.
No. 160001
hello ladies. im having a bit of a problem. its kind of a whole situation, but i'll try to be brief. i'd really value advice about this.
so to when i started college 2 years ago i became friends with this guy who i found interesting and charming but a bit irritating, he was (still is to an extent) a terminal soft boy. we remained friends until he left college in our second semester and then we fell a part a bit. before he left he told me that he had had an intense crush on me since we met, which i had assumed. at that time i was pretty certain i was gay so i was giving off pretty intense platonic only vibes. he only admitted this after he started dating another girl at the end of that semester. as a note, she was extremely similar to me, and also had thought she was gay until they started dating. she also had a pretty serious eating disorder. this is a weird detail, but i feel that its important to include, because i feel like it shows that part of his attraction to me may have been the fact that i was very vulnerable and sick.
anyway, we kind of remained in touch through last year, when he was working in a different city. at the end of last year he and a few friends and his girlfriend decided to move back to the city i go to university in. throughout all of this i had been thinking a lot about like, whether i should just be straight, whether i was actually attracted to men, and probably most importantly whether i had fucked up by not getting into a relationship with him- kind of thinking about like whether you should just accept the love thats already there for you and settle. for reference i have pretty awful self esteem and because im a sperg i cant really date like normal people, im really touch averse and it takes months for me to stop being scared of a new person enough to let them even hug me. so i figured i had kind of fucked up because an opportunity like someone having such an immense attraction to me like that wouldnt come by often.
so at the start of this year i started spending more time with him again, and then in march i got drunk and kissed him. i felt awful because he has a girlfriend who is also very insecure and i knew i fucked up. i knew also that they had an "open relationship" but i honestly think poly is such horseshit and i knew that me kissing him (and him reciprocating) would hurt her, despite her lipservice to the poly cause. i stopped talking to him for a bit but i feel like ive been kind of blinded by how much he desires me and how good that feels, its been a really long time since ive had that (my last relationship was with a girl in high school and it ended horribly with us being outed) and also i felt terrible for leading him on, so i decided to talk with him about it and then over the next few months with lockdowns he was like the only person i was seeing at all and so things kind of got intense again, like at this point he has referred to me as his girlfriend type intense.
before you characterise him too poorly, i do have a serious soft spot for him, like i dont not have any feelings for him at all- like im extremely sympathetic towards him, which is why its so hard for me to even consider winding things back with him, because id feel awful for leading him on. like i used him or was really manipulative. thats also why i havent been able to stand up for my distaste for polyamory- im a real coward and i dont want to make him feel bad, but also his girlfriend really relies on him a lot and i know that if i expressed distaste, hed break up with her and it would really hurt her. and because were similar in a lot of ways i dont want to do that to her. even though id wager that shes similarly miserable about the situation we are both in.
this guy isnt a bad person, like i mentioned his soft boy traits can be really irritating and he also has a weird bdsm thing with his girlfriend (im extremely anti bdsm because ive had a lot of sexual trauma, partially related to being exposed to the fetish world as a kid) like nothing that out of the ordinary just weird dom/sub stuff (hes the sub). he doesnt pull that shit with me ever because he knows i think its gross, especially some of the more pukeworthy force-fem aligned shit they do. but even just the fact that he does that and hes into that gives me a really off feeling.
i guess i just dont know what to do. or i do, because especially after talking it through with our mutual friend im realising this cannot end well, but i dont know how to. i really really dont want to hurt him, because despite all the gross moid traits ive listed hes actually a very lovely and respectful person (like hes never pushed my boundaries or anything). and i feel like i just have to suck it up and accept everything because i put myself in this position by being a retard who cant say no. and then theres the whole thing of me just wanting more than anything to be a normal straight woman- like its so nice not having to worry about the way people look at you with your significant other, or like worry about something awful happening like in my previous relationship, and also its just kind of nice being with a man because hes so different from me (my ex and i had a really codependent thing because we were so similar) and cant really understand me like a woman can, like being fully understood all the time can be really… i dont know, scary? draining? idk. this whole situation is just doing my head in, and as we all know the best advice comes from anonymous forum dwelling femoids (i say that absolutely genuinely and with love). hope that wasnt too long or rambling
No. 160003
>>160001It seems like you know that you're not actually attracted to him and that you're more attracted to this version of you in a "normal straight" relationship, where you are comfortable receiving affection and have the security of someone's loyalty and love.
I also would feel a little weirded out dating a guy who never got over me while in a relationship with someone else: imagine how that other girl would feel. I think it'd be better to just stay out of that and let them run their course.
I think you should apologize for the mixed signals, and tell him that it's been difficult to figure out what you want, but this isn't it after all, and you still value him as a friend.
Have you considered the possibility that you might be bisexual? I identify as bi but my standards/the things I like in men and women are pretty different, and that definitely had me unsure for awhile.
No. 160005
>>160002i can tell im not gay, like i'm definitely bi, otherwise, like you said, i wouldnt be in this situation. i've seen a lot of therapists, my trauma isnt that bad anymore but its like. that shit doesnt just go away lol. youre right that i should just be an adult about this man.
>>160003it is that i like men and women differently i think, and it makes me unsure too. thanks for the tips guys i really appreciate it
No. 160012
>>159875>>159901You guys are right, I feel like framing it into a compatibility thing would probably help.
I think it majorly pisses me off because I rarely fall in love with people, and I obviously loved him.
Second reason is I often have exes coming back after years of no contact, which kinda validates my sick mindset of “he can find anyone he wants, but he’ll never truly replaces me” or “not like the other girls”.
And maybe having them replace me in a way, makes me think this other person is somehow better than me, which is not necessarily true.
No. 160061
My ex boyfriend broke up with me last week but we ended up talking yesterday and he asked if I'd take him back. I said I wanted to understand why he broke up in the first place, since I know that he loves me (or I think so). So he ended up telling me he feels like porn and masturbating too much in the last few months affected our relationship, that he felt like he wasn't being as respectful as he should be towards me because he's always seeing women in porn (?) and that it also made him feel distant. I knew he watches porn occasionally and I didn't like it because I have a lot of problems with that industry, but I didn't see it as something terrible or a personal offense if it was just from time to time. I personally don't watch porn and I'm not very sexual, I have sex/masturbate with my bf sometimes but I can't watch porn or have casual sex, for me the only way to even get horny is to feel emotionally close to him, so I don't understand his addiction to both masturbation and porn, I tried not to judge him because I appreciated him opening up about it, but I wonder if anyone has a similar experience or opinions on this? I know porn has really bad effects on people's mental health, but since I don't watch it myself and he's my first boyfriend, I don't know how to help/understand. He also confessed to downloading tinder a few times and said it wasn't to try to meet anyone but just to feel validated and that he understood if I wanted to break up over that because it was wrong anyway. He's objectively a very attractive guy but he has a lot of self image issues, I wonder if watching too much porn can make that worse or if he's bullshitting me about why he would download tinder.
No. 160065
>>160061I think realistically he was seeing women in porn and comparing you versus them. Then he dumps you to hop on apps and see if he can do better. A week in he either hasn't been laid or he has but realises it's easier to have a dependable gf to fuck. He looked in other places but now wants his easy sex back. If he plays the guilt ridden
victim you'll just let him back in with no agro. Win-win
Him genuinely feeling guilty sounds sus, him downloading tinder without having intentions sounds 10 times more sus.
No. 160068
>>160062Yeah I thought so too, although I've downloaded tinder in the past just to see people 'liking' me, then immediately deleting it, so idk, it could be. He has never met with anyone from dating apps in the past though, we didn't meet like that and when we were only friends we talked about stuff like that and he said he has never had casual sex, but I know it doesn't mean he wouldn't look for it now.
>>160065I think watching porn that much genuinely makes him feel guilty because we are also religious. And it wasn't a week, it was just three days, two of which he worked all day. I believe him about porn having very bad effects on his mental help which could lead to wanting to break up if he wasn't ready to talk about his problem, but you're right that the tinder part is really suspicious and is what is making me feel more iffy. Sex with me isn't very dependable too, maybe I should have mentioned that. I was very stressed for the past 3 months and I didn't feel like doing anything sexual at all and he never pressured me. I know it's not my fault he started to watch more porn during that time but just saying he wasn't getting easy sex either.
No. 160071
>>160068It's strange to break up and change your mind all in the space of 3 days.
He has his porn habits, he's doing shit on tinder. Those are the things you already know about. You don't know what he might be dipping out and doing on top of that. You don't live together I assume?
The trust is gone, you've already been dumped, he's pornsick, you hadn't fucked in 3 months. What a combination. Do you even want to fight for that?
No. 160072
>>160070True.
>>160071Yeah you're right. I think because I care about him I got worried about this porn addiction thing but when I think about it from our relationship perspective I feel very disgusted and the tinder thing was just hurtful.
No. 160077
>>160072How much sympathy do you owe him when his plight is "I jerk off to big titties" seriously? I see men trying to turn this into something on par with clinical depression. I get that it's addictive (firsthand I do) but cry me a river if you're going to try and extract sympathy from people over a jerking off addiction. Who wastes sympathy on that?
You said yourself you've actually been too stressed out the last 3 months and couldn't even be intimate with all the stress… girl stop worrying about him and move on. Look after yourself and your own stress levels. I feel like you deserve a break. Let him jerk off and rejoin tinder. Don't play therapist to him anymore.
No. 160081
So my boyfriend just got a new job and we are looking to get an apartment together but are having trouble choosing which area of town we want to live in.
Option 1 is where I currently live and thus the area we’re most familiar with. My Grandma lives here, this is where my regular doctor and hair salon is, our favorite sushi place. There’s a walking trail and a nice little downtown area with boutiques, the farmer’s market, and brewery. It’s somewhat less expensive than option 2 but much smaller and more out of the way as well. From here my commute is 20-30 minutes but my boyfriend’s commute would be anywhere from 35-60 minutes.
Option 2 is an area that is close to the hot spots in our city – museums, popular restaurants, any big events. Definitely a lot more to do. It’s an equally nice area as option 1 if not more so, and a bit more expensive. From here my commute would be 35-60 minutes while my boyfriend’s would be 25-50 minutes.
Worth keeping in mind about our commutes: I only work 2 days a week, but I work 6-6. That means with option 2, to get ready and get to work on time I’d have to be waking up at about 4 AM. My schedule might potentially change in the future though. My boyfriend on the other hand works a regular full time schedule, so he’ll probably be driving more days out of the week, but he will be working from home for a while and will continue to have WFH options in the future.
No. 160091
>>160061>>160068>breaks up then wants to get back together>porn addiction>both of you still looking at tinderYou already have good advice on here anon, but this relationship is full of red flags.
The tinder thing is a bigger deal imo, you're
both doing it which means neither of you are getting what you want from the relationship. You can say you're just curious about your likes, whatever, but there's clearly a hole that's not being filled. If both people in a relationship are secretly downloading tinder, it's time to reevaluate. Someone who is happy and satisfied is not looking for an ego boost from tinder.
No. 160098
>>160081Option 2 sounds like the nicer place to live in overall, especially if the extra money isn't a concern for you. Your doctor, hair salon and sushiplace are easily replaceable with something local in option 2 so I wouldn't make a decision based on that.
However from a commute perspective, option 1 seems better. You get a reasonable commute time and your boyfriend can keep working from home (at least a few days a week if he wants to I assume?), essentially eliminating commute time.
I think I'd go with option 2 if you can bear the waking up at 4am and if the money isn't an issue.
No. 160121
>>160110"new relationship energy" ends after 2-3 years max. the novelty wears off etc. it doesn't mean love is over, it's just less honeymoon-ish. in a sense after all this time it's more real and lasting if you both still feel it and show it. you really know who you're with, you're no longer looking past their faults because you're too high on romance to notice. you also saw the genuinely good sides of them and can truly know if it's better to stay or go.
consider if seeking novelty is worth leaving a person you claim to love. could you seek "adventure" in ways other than parting ways with him? is it really your own "instinct" or is there something about him that makes you want to leave?
No. 160129
>>160121>2-3 years maxthat's still a pretty long time
>consider if seeking novelty is worth leaving a person you claim to loveI wouldn't leave him. I'm happy and he's 10000x better than chasing some new guy. I just hate those "grass is greener" new crush feels I sometimes get with other people, or I miss the novelty of a new relationship.
No. 160239
>>160129Not saying this with the intent to blame, but have you talked with your boyfriend about this or tried to implement anything exciting yourself? Obviously don't tell him you're bored and imagining other partners, but something like, "Hey I love being with you but I feel we've settled into a bit of routine. Would you help me come up with some new stuff to do?" He'd probably enjoy it as well.
You could roleplay some different scenarios, even the typical "you're strangers in a bar" thing, try a new position in bed or use a toy, go do a new activity together, play a sexy game with each other, make your own sex videos (if you're comfortable with that), maybe even spend a few days apart doing different things so you have something new to discuss with each other afterwards.
No. 160280
I don't know how to handle my boyfriend blaming me entirely for my effective MIL acting a certain way towards me.
I've tried bridging the gap that exists between us by asking about her interests (my bf recommended I did this). She doesn't say much even when I offer things in terms of conversation that way, like she lets it trail off. My bf said I wasn't trying hard enough, though, so I still try if I can.
Then he told me I need to ask to help her around the house. I do, but she will say things like "what do you know" and the like. I do things for my boyfriend like vacuum and I still wash dishes, but I avoid things that are "her" thing in terms of cleaning. Once I helped her rake a yard and I didn't ask (my boyfriend said I have to help without being asked, which seems risky to me because she's quite particular in how things are done), and she later said "well, I guess the city girl can put her arms into it" (translated). It's discouraging and I don't know what to do in this area.
The transgressions I've done to make her dislike me are that I apparently slam doors in her house. I've tried really hard to learn how to close doors quietly, I can even go in and out of my boyfriend's room at night and to the bathroom and back and my boyfriend won't wake up. But apparently I still do that. She also has a weird dress code, like I used to be allowed to wear camisoles around the house and certain shorts, now all shorts must be knee-length, and I'm not really to wear even thick strapped high cut tank tops, so I have to wear shirts even when the weather has been above 100 degrees.
The other weird thing is she never talks to me directly about any of these things, I only learn about them from my boyfriend. This whole thing of my boyfriend blaming me started after I told him I thought he should stop reprimanding what I do in front of his mom because it makes her feel justified in how she treats me (what had happen to trigger me saying this was that I was leaving the house and needed help getting stuff in my car, and he got mad at me for not saying goodbye to her in front of her and she then made a deal out of it too, when that wasn't even my plan; I was leaving for a long trip so I had planned on saying goodbye after my stuff was packed, but now it looked disingenuous). I asked him what he thought and he said he'd stop, but then he told me I deserve how she treats me, that it's her house, and he didn't have empathy for me because his mom didn't have empathy for him when she'd bitch about my behavior. The thing is, he doesn't even tell me every time she does that and she never tells me what she has a problem with. I am planning on having a conversation with her as soon as I return.
The thing is, I am quite hurt by my boyfriend's lack of support. Even if it totally is my fault for how she treats me, he didn't show any empathy. I don't know how to proceed from here. I've tried so fucking hard with the doors, but he says I don't try hard enough or else I wouldn't slam them. But I don't know when I slam them because I'm not told. I've offered me coming over but not spending the night because that's when the slamming is an issue, but he claims that's me giving up. He also told me this whole problem with his mom is 100% my fault. I think I am to blame, but not wholly, if that makes sense, but maybe I'm crazy and don't have a grip on reality.
Obviously, you're only getting one side of my boyfriend - he's great in other areas and I used to think it was great he loved his mom so much even though he spoke a lot about how she hurt him as a child emotionally, mentally, etcetera. Now I'm not so sure that's a good thing.
No. 160281
>>160280>I'm crazy and don't have a grip on reality.I agree. You're dating an infantile momma's boy that has no problem blaming you for her vendetta against you because she sees you as stealing her sweet baby away, making your life hell and enforcing medieval gender standards even after he himself has admitted that she's a manipulative,
abusive bitch, and are still wondering if this is a "you" problem.
This cannot be fixed. Date a man who is his own person and respects you as one, not a manchild who stores his balls in mommy's purse.
No. 160282
>>160280Dude, stop staying there overnight. She obviously does everything to make it uncomfortable for you and he won't even try to help or defend you. If he really cared about you, he'd trying to find solutions or tell his mom to back off. He isn't and worse, he'd even fucking blaming you for his mom abusing you.
If I were you, I'd have a last discussion with him telling him it's just not possible to continue like this and he either have to help or you're gone.
Do you see yourself being abused by his mom everytime you're there? Because it's not going to just stop, it's only going to get worse.
No. 160283
>>160280>>160281>>You're dating an infantile momma's boy that has no problem blaming you for her vendetta against you because she sees you as stealing her sweet baby away, making your life hell and enforcing medieval gender standards even after he himself has admitted that she's a manipulative, abusive bitchHard agree, this is exactly what's happening here.
>Even if it totally is my fault for how she treats meNo, there is absolutely no justification for how she's treating you.
>then he told me I deserve how she treats me, that it's her houseYikes, that's some foreshadowing right there anon. There's no guarantee that he won't say the exact same thing to excuse his behaviour if you're going to live together in the future in "his house".
I'm not telling you to break up with him, but I do think staying in a relationship with him is very risky. The total lack of respect and support from your boyfriend is baffling and very worrying and could easily spill over into other areas of your life not related to your MIL.
No. 160289
>>160280Your guy didn't cut the cord, he's too emotionally dependent on her and her moods. So when she's complaining about you, he's too preoccupied with his own emotions to be able to think about you, your feelings and your dignity. One thing that's important to him is to not get involved in any conflict with his mom, because he's probably afraid of negative emotions and doesn't dare to oppose her.
There's nothing you can do about it. You cannot be "perfect" and you don't have to, especially by his mom's standards. He either has to ignore her, or convince her to be nicer to you. Not fucking blame you for displeasing her! I highly doubt that anything will change for the better until he decides to do some serious inner work. It's not your responsibility at all, it's obvious that you're already trying hard to be as polite and respecting as possible.
No. 160309
>>160280Are you living there or just hanging out there alot? There's really no reason to be doing either. I'm not taking her side here but there are alot of parents who do not want their adult sons to just move their gfs into their house or to effectively do that by having them over all the time. Maybe that's a large part of the issue but then if it is she should just say that. If it's her home she'd be well within her rights to put her foot down and say she doesn't want you there.
Move your relationship away from his mom, don't put yourself under her nose or in her house all the time if this is the miserable dynamic it creates. You're adults so put a literal distance between you and parents. Don't let it snowball into a fued, you're only dating this guy and you don't know whether a year or two from now you'll of both moved on anyway. She's not actually your MIL, you're not necessarily tied to this woman yet. She might be rude AF but chances are she's only a temporary thing in your life but to him she's permanent.
No. 160314
>>160290You know, when my manchild ex who's outwardly popular and charismatic started to make friends with my friends, I thought nothing of it. I thought I was lucky because my then bf was getting along so well with my circle and my friends actually liked him. Sometimes I was put off by how much he wanted to get involved with them, and a few times I got annoyed when he acted like he was on equal footing with them as I.
Meanwhile his friends never much bonded with me and I didn't know why, and tbh I didn't have a huge interest in jumping through hoops to get them to like me cause I had my own.
Seemed innocent, there weren't problems. His friends acted cordial to me in person even though I knew they were
his friends at the end of the day.
Be. Fucking. Careful.
Come to find out he often exaggerated and told one-sided tales about me to his friends for sympathy when our relationship had problems. Rarely praised me or conveyed appreciation about me towards them even though I did so fucking much. No wonder they didn't seem to like me, cause they figured I was some bitch.
Meanwhile he was making sure he was on good graces with my friends so when I finally broke up, he still had his "nice guy" image intact and I had less credidibility. Some of my friends saw through his bullshit, namely the ones I'd vent to myself, but painfully enough one of my close friends who admittedly gives men too much benefit of the doubt still remained his friend and even congratulated him on his recent engagement to his new gf of 2 year–fucking gag me. Same friend is still pickme-ing for marriage from her guy who hasn't proposed yet despite several years and both making great money, to give you an idea.
All I'm saying is that under ideal circumstances having mutual friends in your relationship could be great. However if the guy you're dating is manipulative (bonus points if he has a need to come across as a good guy to others and has a hero complex) then prepare for some triangulation shit. IME a healthy relationship probably has a degree of separations, not sharing every friend isn't a bad thing.
No. 160320
>>160316Heh mine was never a marriage man until he found the woman who gave him his dream job, so probably not.
I guess master manipulators all read from the same playbook.
No. 160325
File: 1605721998002.jpg (283.53 KB, 1980x1485, 1207410_1-1980[1].JPG)
Relationships are temporary. Braco is forever.
No. 161456
>>161451I have asd and tbh if you're high functioning you have to just learn to be an adult and be communicative if you value your relationships. Asd doesn't strip you of that ability. I need my quiet time too but communication is a responsibility in all relationships so you have to go a certain way about getting that space. How would he react if you acted like that?
Tbh do take this personally, ask that rather than just apologising afterwards.. That he considers your feelings from the start. It isn't asking alot to have him even text an explanation of where his head is at and how much time he needs.
No. 165731
File: 1609866687102.jpg (26.81 KB, 800x800, tfwnogf.jpg)
Years ago the first time I dated my bf I broke up with him after he hid that he had been fucking our (female) roommate without telling me, even after I asked him if he wanted to open up our relationship AnD hE saId nO. I'm bi and I also fucked her but it was for sex work and I got permission from him. So it was messsy. And fast forward to now, we were platonic friends for 3 yrs and then started dating again after getting really close in quarantine. I love him but sometimes I think of not being able to be with girls as long as we stay monogamous and it makes me sad, especially because he's always said he would find it hot to watch me with a girl.
TLDR: my bf and i attempted to bring a woman into our relationship years ago and it ended in trust issues
Last night a bi coworker of mine wanted to hang out, and we havent in a while. weve always had great chemistry and shes BEAUTIFUL and she cooked for me and we were flirting a lot, and she kept telling me how horny she was now that shes single……….i wanted to text my bf and ask him if i could kiss her……….but i didnt,, and idk if ill ever get a chance like that again
No. 168052
>>168040Feeling listened to is one of the absolute basic things that you should expect in a relationship so I wouldn't feel bad about wanting to address this.
And if he's half as lovely as you're saying he is then he shouldn't get angry over you wanting to work on communication. It's healthy to want to calmly talk over these things. If he does get angry that's a pretty bad sign right there. But give him a chance and see how he takes it.
No. 168068
>>168048>I hope it doesn’t make him mad. If your partner came to you with a super basic request that would make them feel happier/more loved, would you feel mad? No? I agree, and in fact it would be quite selfish and sociopathic if you got angry over such a thing.
>He’s really lovely and I don’t want to lose him over it because that’s so stupid.Your needs and wants are not "stupid." You are allowed to want anything at all out of a relationship, whether that's simple respect or someone who gives you flowers every week. It's on the other person to either do those things or not. If not, that's fine. You understand there's a disconnect and move on because you're not suited for one another. If the guy can't be assed to give you more than two words of acknowledgement when you're talking about your life, something he
should be interested in if he actually cares about you, then he's not worth your time. I hope he actually is "lovely" and responds like a normal human who may just be distracted, but damn girl, your language really gives away the internalized pickme ideology. Please work on your self confidence for your own sake whether you stay together or not.
No. 168147
>>145234My partner is bullying me to pressure my Mum, who I live with, into letting me break lockdown laws to go and visit his house.
I have repeatedly told him that there's nothing I can do and that she won't budge.
He's saying that it's my fault and that I don't truly want to come (even though he knows that's not true – I was happy to break lockdown to see him behind my Mum's back, but then she got really mad and even called the cops on me!)
I am literally in an impossible position and I'm afraid he's going to block me or break up with me if I don't go against my Mum and potentially lose my place to live.
He will not accept that I have no control over the situation and accused me of 'jerking him around' even though I've tried to ask my Mum for leniency. I am at my wits end.
No. 168165
>>168147It's rarely worth falling out with your own mother over a bf, Even more so if you still live under your moms roof and you need or want to carry on living there. Is he offering to house you? Honestly it reads like he's an asshole who'd be doing you a favor by blocking you and letting you move on. You say you're at your wits end…I haven't had one indoor meeting with my girl in months because she lives with a parent. Unless I'm about to move her into my place… I have to respect them both. No bullying or threats here.
I get how you might even be feeling frustrated by your moms strictness on this issue but at least she's your parent and it's her house and health…wheareas your bf has no right to pressure you and push you around simply because he wants something. The guy isn't acting like he respects you, your mom or the relatonships and responsibilities that you have with others in your life. His wishes don't matter infinitely more than your moms health or your relationship with her. He's acting like his own wants trump everything else. Disagreements shouldn't turn into one partner applying massive pressure on the other til they are about to break down… that's incredibly unhealthy. You're afraid of him dumping you but if dating him has you at your wits end…where's the loss?
No. 168178
>>168147Demand respect. "I don't want to go against my mom's wishes and you've got to respect that." (Although I personally wouldn't bother at all with a guy who willingly puts you in a position like that. You're better off without him if he breaks up with you over that. I hope you realize that.)
>>168156How do you even know she's in the place/country where that's legally allowed..
No. 168215
>>168154>>168170>>168156he lives 2hours away by public transport i dont drive and the journey goes thru london which is a big fear factor for my mum.
>>168178>>168165thank u guys. i think he has stopped whining for now but im scared he will bring it back up tomorrow. i offered to meet him at a hotel and quarantine for a week and to pay for it, but he totally rejected it, he wont even compromise.
No. 173496
File: 1614541964976.jpg (97.63 KB, 1696x1080, rose.jpg)
hello anons, sorry for incoming blog, but how do you cope with being past the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship?
bf and I have been together 2 years and this is my longest relationship. my other relationships were mostly short-lived and intense. I love being with him, I know for a fact that he has my back, I am still very attracted to him, and I love that we understand each other and know each other's quirks intimately. we rarely fight.
that said, I often find myself reminiscing about the period of time when we were just starting to get to know each other, when it was all new and exciting and uncertain and we still had so much getting-to-know to do and were more giddy over one another. I miss the excitement of the crush stage I guess.
how do I snap myself out of this frankly pathetic wistfulness when I have a perfectly good and comfortable relationship? I don't want to ruin what we have by frustrating myself with looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses.
No. 173682
File: 1614643635319.jpg (41.01 KB, 640x474, 1613778009320.jpg)
My ex girlfriend dumped me and cut me out of her life 4 months ago and it's all I think about every day. I'm not male but i am more masculine than feminine, and she was my first real relationship. How do I get over her?
No. 173693
>>173682consider the reasoning behind why you have lingering thoughts about her. do you have unresolved feelings? how did your life develop by the end of it? are you just lonely, and miss them? do you fantasize about what you wish you'd done differently? maybe you need to reconcile some feelings, and determine what you want for the future. in the mean time, do something engaging, and productive. get a new hobby, socialize with people to develop that interest, and maybe even make some friends. remember: everything is in the past now, you can't change that; ahead of you is a world of opportunities to progress further, and make new connections along the way. you may make life-long bonds later on, so don't be too preoccupied by what could've been. hope you move on, and meet a great girl who loves you unconditionally anon.
No. 173699
>>173682did she give you any reason why, anon? or did she just ghost you cold turkey?
as the other anon put it
>>173693, try to work out exactly how and what you feel and make an effort to move on from what you can't control or change. try to look forward, not backwards, although obviously this is easier said than done. do you have any friends you can vent to/rely on, maybe friends who aren't currently in contact with your ex?
No. 174379
File: 1615122819356.png (7.48 KB, 849x545, sad my dudes.png)
My boyfriend has been battling with depression his whole adult life, well before we ever met. He has periods of being incredibly emotionally unavailable/stonewalling me, so I'll ask him what's wrong and he always says nothing is with no emotion, then a few hours of ignoring me later will fess-up that something is wrong. Same routine this morning, he opened up to me saying I was the only person he could cry to because it was too difficult and painful to be emotional around anyone else, and that he felt like he'd rather die. This is the third time in our two year relationship he has said something like this to me. I have begged him each time to go get treatment because he's clearly incredibly depressed, but he never did. This time I told him he NEEDS to go see a therapist, end of. Whilst I love him and here to support him every step of the way, I cannot help someone who won't help themselves. He also told me he'd thought about breaking up with me countless times because he felt this relationship was unfair on me because of his behaviour. I understand personally its easier to push people away than work on problems, but I encouraged him to get therapy and see how he feels about us after a few sessions and a clearer head. Whilst he's drastically improved with his emotional availability problems since we first met, he still has a long way to go and I'm not a therapist. We have a small apartment together, so I'd rather things stay civil until the end of our lease, but if he does decide this relationship isn't for him by the end I know it'll be rough for me, having been my longest relationship and connecting with him more than anyone else. What sucks is just knowing each day his behaviour could be fine or he could ignore me for a day again and be too depressed to interact. I feel like I'm at the mercy of his mood.
No. 174394
>>174390Thanks for the advice, anon.
>What did he say to you stating that he needs to see a therapist this time?He said he knows he needs therapy, but he attempted suicide when he was younger and was put in a mental ward and expressed deep fear of being institutionalised again. I sympathise with him a lot, but I reminded him that he's an adult now with agency and as he's not at a crisis point, legally nobody can put him in a ward. I said to see a doctor and be strict with the treatment he's prepared to accept/deny. He agreed to this idea, and I found out just a little while ago that he's booked an appointment to see someone finally.
>Make it clear it's either this or you will really have to break up. I don't think I made this very clear when we talked, but will definitely lay this out on the table as well. I don't like ultimatums but sometimes they're necessary.
>It kinda appear like he doesn't care that much for you, just for his personal comfort.I completely agree. If he felt so guilty about his behaviour that he thinks about breaking up, why wouldn't he change it or simply break up with me? He's done neither of these, probably because he's scared of change or hurting himself, either in therapy or in a break-up. He can't live in that limbo forever, though.
No. 174396
File: 1615133589840.jpg (77.08 KB, 640x413, cat.jpg)
>>174379>What sucks is just knowing each day his behaviour could be fine or he could ignore me for a day again and be too depressed to interact. I feel like I'm at the mercy of his mood.Ouch anon, this resonated with me. My ex had severe anxiety and would spend days distressed about some worry he couldn't get out of his mind, being grumpy and cold towards me or at least too lost in his own head to enjoy anything we did. It was impossible to plan anything because of his mood changes, and often when we tried, it just felt like some sort of pretend-date. I remember this perfect sunny summer day we packed tons of snacks and books and made a lovely scenic 2-hour bicycle trip to this amazing lakeshore, only for him to hardly say or do anything once we got there because he was feeling too bad about something he remembered. I just read my book in silence feeling like the loneliest dumbass in the world lol. He also brought up breaking up frequently, but I loved him and wanted to help him and make things work, so I wasted four whole years of my life.
Sorry for blogpost, I know how it feels to desperately not want to let go. But do you want this for the rest of your life? To be honest, once breakup is on the table especially more than once, the other party has pretty much checked out and you're just delaying the inevitable plus causing yourself more psychological damage in the process. Even if it did work out, though, yeah, do you think it would ever be an equal partnership where your needs matter as much as his, and you get as much support as you give?
No. 174398
File: 1615134812895.jpg (48.24 KB, 737x737, thank.jpg)
>>174396Thanks for your words anon, I definitely know the lonely dumbass feeling that follows radio silence from your partner. I'm so sorry things didn't work out after so long, it sucks when you see the good in someone and want to help but there's just no way you can get them to work on themselves.
>once breakup is on the table especially more than once, the other party has pretty much checked outI am in this boat as well. He's phrased it in ways that suggests he's theorised it but doesn't want it to happen. I've asked him straight-up as well if he wants to end it and he's said no and that he's wanted to work on the relationship. He has anxiety as well as a super rough childhood so I don't blame him for rationally asking himself "is this the best for me or should I leave" when he's in distress. But yeah I totally don't want to waste my time being here and prolonging my own emotional distress if it won't work out.
>do you think it would ever be an equal partnership where your needs matter as much as his, and you get as much support as you give?I do. We've had months at a time where this is the case. When he's at his best he is helping me equally, and shows a compassion and awareness that sees my sadness when it happens and works his best to address it and cheer me up. It seems that when his depression hits him hard, he completely withdraws and doesn't care for himself or others. When he's at his best, he is so much fun to be around, looking after himself and that's the person I love. Which is why I'm hoping the therapy appointment he's just booked himself helps him in making whatever choices he's struggling to face right now. I just want the best for him, whether we stay together or not. He's my best friend regardless.
No. 174399
>>174394You sound very reasonable, I'm sure you won't let him walk all over you forever. The fact he booked an appointment recently is pretty promising, hopefully it will slowly start to get better from that point on and if not you'll know what to do.
Just to comment on what other anon said from a perspective of a person who did that at my lowest mental health point:
>once breakup is on the table especially more than once, the other party has pretty much checked out and you're just delaying the inevitableIt may be, but in my case I really didn't want to break up and said it just to hurt myself and also to save myself from imagined scenario of seeing my boyfriend slowly fall out of love with me. He saw through it and didn't give up on me, I've been in therapy for a longer while now, doing much better and I'm really glad it happened that way. I'm just sharing this for a different perspective that it doesn't have a guaranteed outcome yet at that point but you still have to trust your instincts of course, wouldn't want you to be trapped in a relationship with someone too selfish to let you go despite not giving you the love you deserve.
No. 174856
File: 1615442030326.jpg (53.77 KB, 600x580, tumblr_221c9a884b8f0ec6b9c43f4…)
My boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me 5 months ago and it was a total shock. We got back together 2 weeks later after discussing things because instead of telling me his concerns his idea was to just dump me because he felt like he wasn't doing enough to "fix" my mental issues. It was good to get our cards on the table and talk about heavy stuff. He was really relieved when I told him he needed to get a job and has been in school since then. My friends and family don't fully trust him again and to be honest I'm still scared every single time he needs to tell me something that he's just going to break up with me again.
We're about to move in together (something I've wanted and was pushing for for years) but I'm scared. I really have nothing at all without him and the breakup showed me that in plain terms, and I still feel the terror of realizing that.
No. 175326
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either alien, pet(that can talk to me) in person human, (cool)gal, guy, anyone who is on my advocacy, i just want a friend, tv, internet etc doesnt work for me, life is impossible. sorry for being a downer.
No. 175329
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Anons who know how to use discord: is this another bitch in my man's discord? I have never used discord and my gut told me something was off so I snooped and found this. Am I overreacting?
No. 175350
>>174856Not saying this to be obnoxious, but did you read the posts right above yours?
>once breakup is on the table especially more than once, the other party has pretty much checked out and you're just delaying the inevitableYou're right to be concerned. As you said, a good partner would express their anxieties/problems by bringing them up as a discussion point, not outright dumping you out of the blue. Especially after
six years. Seems he was ready to bolt. He eventually reasoned things out sure, but did you ever discuss the stress he caused you by doing that? If not, that's a huge elephant in the room. If he can't treat you with respect after so long, it sounds like a lost cause. This isn't just an "oopsie" on his part, it's a pretty giant fuck up. If he finds it difficult dealing with whatever mental issues you have then fine, but he's not your therapist and it's not his job to "fix" you. He either accepts you as you are while you hopefully work on yourself, or he realizes he's not capable of that and gracefully leaves. It's not acceptable that he jerks you back and forth. Anyway stuff the scrote. This is what worries me
>I really have nothing at all without him This isn't normal or healthy. Regardless of whether you stay with this guy or not, you should be able to provide happiness and security to yourself. Not be reliant on another person for those things. You don't say what you're doing to help yourself but I hope you're attempting to address whatever you're facing and developing more positive things in your life outside of a partner.
No. 175736
>>175686>I initially thought it could be some cultural thing, where he has to show how macho he is (he’s Turkish) but frankly he’s never really been that type either. Let’s be clear anon, even after years of online friendship/dating you have no idea what this man is like in person and how he navigates day-to-day activities. His cultural conditioning likely goes
way deeper than you can currently imagine. I think this one is working in your favor though. He’s right, a woman shouldn’t have to pay to get his ass over to her country. It’s not a matter of sexism, it’s about the principal of the thing and showing he cares enough and is resourceful enough to make it happen. If he can’t or won’t, then I’d say he simply shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone thousands of miles away. Have you two ever discussed a future plan for spending time together in person? If you haven’t, or you have and it’s years down the road, then strongly consider why you’d bother waiting for
this dude in particular when there are billions of men in the world who would not only have enough money for a plane ticket, but already live in your own country at that and have decent enough personalities. It’s very dangerous to make the assumption that any person is irreplaceable in your life, especially when it comes to men. This is how people get stuck in unsatisfying relationships for years, because they think no one could ever compare or they couldn’t do any better. Believe me when I say that’s as far away from the truth as possible. We’re all unique sure, but there are many people out there who you have the capacity to love and who could love you in turn. If there’s no real end goal in sight with this guy, perhaps consider giving those who are a bit closer to home a chance. They might surprise you.
No. 175820
>>175736>>175740>>175738It’s not like I didn’t see him IRL before, we’ve met already. I just feel uncomfortable with him pushing away a perfectly good opportunity to see each other just because he’s too proud for it. I feel like there’s more to this given the fact that he was confrontational and took it this seriously which is very much unlike him. Thankfully we spoke to each other today but I was too afraid to bring it up again.
He’s graduating from uni next year and will try to enroll in a master’s program with a grant here and I’m honestly willing to take my chances, be patient, and sit it out. He already has too many responsibilities on top of work, school and no family; all which I respect. He’s not perfect by any means but he’s a honest standup guy with good values which makes me feel like it’s worth it.
>>175753It’s not like he’s from Saudi Arabia or Iran lol… There isn’t really a cultural gap and he isn’t a muslim.
No. 175822
>>175820It's not a good sign if you're too afraid to talk about something with him, especially something that should be a positive thing. It -rightfully so- bothers you so you SHOULD bring it up again. And if you're with someone you shouldn't feel like you have to walk on eggshels around them. I'm sure there's a way to convey your feelings in a gentle way which - if his reaction is indeed some macho thing - should not
trigger him getting upset again. Express how much you want to see him and ask what does he think you two should do about it.
Ultimately, if he actually is not a good person you'll find out next year when he moves closer to you, so worst case scenario it will be only one year more wasted.
No. 175825
>>175820>It’s not like he’s from Saudi Arabia or Iran lol… There isn’t really a cultural gap and he isn’t a muslim.Nta but I find it hilarious you bring up these two countries when this dude is from
Turkey. Saudi Arabia is 93% Muslim, Iran 99.4%. Turkey? 99.8%. That's great he's part of the magical 0.2% that don't follow one of the most violently misogynistic religions in the world, but if you think religious values haven't permeated the culture and affected him despite not specifically adhering to the faith, you're wrong. Presuming you're from some first world country, saying there "isn't really a cultural gap" is delusional. And meeting him a handful of times irl is still not the same as living together for an extended period of time. I agree with the other anon that if you can't even communicate openly with this man, a pillar of any healthy relationship, it's doomed to failure.
No. 175840
>>175822this. if you feel like you're walking on eggshells, you're waiting…. generally a bad sign. just dropped someone who i'd been talking to for years…i never quite felt comfortable when i talked to them, but i thought it was because i had a lot to learn about socializing. eventually i realized they were keeping me on a string because i was feeding them validation. nothing you're saying suggests he's narcissistic or something, but sometimes we want to give people all this room because you can see the good in them, but they just don't deliver…
so i wouldn't say break up with the fucker right away or anything…but be honest with yourself and him. i learned this thing from a cbt workbook:
- i think
- i feel
- i want
- if not, self care
so for example if you find you wanna get out of this relationship, you could say "i think i'm spending a lot of time waiting on you, hoping we'll be a better couple. i feel afraid, vulnerable, and powerless over our relationship dynamic. i want us to truly love each other, and love means total honesty. and i think if this doesn't work out, it's okay if we move on because we'll be better in the end. maybe we'll talk again some day."
whatever you want, i'm just stoned and using my imagination.
No. 176064
>>176062I don't have a kid but I got dumped and then found out about a secret mistress. One of the most hurtful things I've been through. I took 3 years out of even thinking about dating again and still don't know when I'll be ready. I dread turning into a paranoid gf now. I wasn't like that before but I can see this affecting my future relationships and I hate that thought.
He did have a son from a previous relationship and it often occurred to me that his son won't stay unaware forever and one day he'll either see his dads crappy ways and be hurt too or worse he'll idolise him and his actions and repeat the cycle of hurting women. I would consider the knock on effect of who else would be hurt by it and how far the ripples spread when a child is involved. And be aware that men inclined to cheat often lie to the mistress about alot of details too. They pretend their relationship is on the rocks when that's often not the case and they just want sex regularly with both of you. Last I heard my ex repeated his pattern and I weirdly have empathy for the mistress (the one that I probably unknowingly shared fluids with lol) I suspect he lied to her from the start. Probably told her we had a dead bedroom or fought alot, which we didn't.
No. 176099
>>176057I haven't but I can tell you what happened to the one I know.
He traded his wife for her and then a few years down the line he traded her for an even younger wife.
Now she's a single mom.
No. 176155
>>176152Another hobby streamer here. Whilst I understand some people's inherent concern with streaming (parasocial relationships, harassment, unwanted sexual interactions), I think your boyfriend viewing it as "cancerous" is concerning. Personally my bf is supportive in that he'll drop in every now and then to say hi to me and viewers and is always happy for me when I reach a milestone. Its not smotheringly supportive but he is at least positive towards it as a hobby.
>is it normal to not be supportive of hobbies of your SO?Most of the time, yes. Some people do have more obscure hobbies that maybe their partner cannot get into, but I would never date someone who doesn't at least understand and support me in pursuing my own hobbies, and streaming is a very popular thing that I'm not sure why he would be so against.
> it scares be because if he's this controlling about a small hobby in my lifeIn my experience, men control their girlfriends away from hobbies that garner them attention because they are either jealous of their own success or jealous of the attention they're getting. I would have a conversation with him about how even though it is a casual hobby it is still important in the grand scheme that he is supportive of your hobbies.
No. 176156
>>176152Anon, though your SO should never, ever be controlling or hostile towards any part of your life, do you think at all he has a reason to be concerned?
>it's reliant on simps to it's getting in between our time togetherTo me, this seems like a
valid issue to have. Have you tried communicating with him specifically on what's bothering him so much? If it's because you're intentionally leaving out to your simp-fanbase that you have a boyfriend, I could see why he'd be upset. If it's just because you have some male fans or occasionally have some unwanted attention from others, then I'd say your boyfriend definitely has some issues going on with him.
Also, if you're spending more time streaming than spending time with your significant other, I could also see why they may be upset. Everyone has different schedules, and this is very reliant on both you and your SO's lifestyles and personal and emotional needs, but it could potentially pose a problem if you're dedicating most of your time to your hobbies and not maintaining your relationship. He definitely shouldn't demand your attention on his whim and on his dime, but you should consider first if you're making enough time for him as your boyfriend. Then again, maybe this is his issue and he's just being needy. Still something to think about though.
Other than that, no, it's not normal for your SOs to be unsupportive of your hobbies, even if it's something like streaming. They don't always
have to be supportive (sometimes it's completely
valid for them to be concerned) but insulting you or what you do and calling it "cancerous" is just plain immature.
No. 176157
>>176152>is it normal to not be supportive of hobbies of your SO?It's reasonable to not be supportive of your SOs hobby if there's
valid concern.
I don't think you have a bad hobby that's unacceptable in a relationship and I'm definitely not saying you should stop streaming under the pressure of your boyfriend but I can see where your bf is coming from when he says he doesn't like you having that hobby. Switch it around and I personally frankly wouldn't be happy if my SO streamed for hours and hours multiple times a week and had a hoard of female fans.
No. 176182
>>176152I watch a streamer who is the male equivalent of this, has maybe a couple hundred regular viewers and they're practically all female with some hinting at how they think he's attractive. Guy has a gf, viewers know her by name but she's mostly off cam. It always just struck me as them being super secure in their relationship. He doesn't let viewers overstep the mark and he talks about the gf enough that people know about her.
People with partners stream like that all the time. If he fully trusted you to not let people over a certain boundary then you'd be fine. There's an underlying issue of either controlling behavior or just a lack of trust and security there. How long has the issue been going on?
No. 176200
>>176155it's really nice to hear that your SO is supportive of your streaming! it gives me some perspective that it's a pretty normal hobby to have and bfs can be respectful about it.
>>176156>>176157i have discussed with him all the issues he has and his concerns always constantly change. at first, he didn't like the "simping" on the stream so i did curb a lot of the chat and culture of the stream away from that. after that, a new concern would come up like " i dont like your mod" etc, there would always be one new issue after the next.
>>176182this is the relationship i have with my viewers and bf. i keep my private life away from the stream and there's an acknowledgement that i have a bf and not interested in dating someone.
i'm consolidating my response here for all the helpful anons that have responded. i've streamed for approximately 1 year now, and my bf has never been supportive of the hobby, which is very draining and is killing my passion for it. with every new concern my bf has brought up with my streaming, i have addressed it and tried to bring action to it. but i feel like fundamentally, he doesnt like my hobby, and will always try to find some fault with it. as for him saying it takes too much time away, i brought that up as one of the initial concerns he had. i stream probably 6-10 hours a week, which i see as pretty reasonable as a personal endeavor and hobby. he says it gets in the way of our time and also creates a nuisance for our living space.
he's basically said to me that it's either me or streaming, because he is tired of all the problems it brings up for him. we are in a pretty serious relationship so it really hurts me to hear that he isn't willing to put in effort to compromise or respect something that makes me happy. i'm pretty torn because i see him as someone i can be with for a long time and i'd like to keep pursuing streaming and other online-related hobbies… i just don't know if i'm at fault for trying to keep doing he doesn't like or if he is being too rigid and controlling.
No. 176201
>>176195hmm the "specific" girl advice that comes to mind are:
- be aware of the image you are projecting onto your audience. i.e. if you're projecting yourself like a hot gamer goddess like pokimane, then your audience is going to expect you to look hot 24/7
- don't feel guilted or pressured by men just because they give you money
- try not to compare yourself to other girl streamers because it just leads to insecurities and
toxic jealousy (i.e. oh i can have viewers too like her if i show skin)
- be aware of the parasocialness of streaming and try to manage the relationship between you and your audience (i.e. how close do you want to be with them…)
other than that, i think there are plenty of guides and perspectives people have online for streamers in general, regardless of gender
No. 176276
>>176260Nta but partaking in online gossip and cheating when there's a baby on the way.. Don't exactly compare. I mean anon even referred to it as 'homewrecking' herself. Ruining a family. Directly hurting a woman and child. That's a whole other league of shittiness if she pursues that.
I responded to 'should I be a homewrecker' anon but with a non emotional explaination of the knock on effects of cheating when there's kids involved.. Thought that'd be better than getting her back up and making her defensive. But yeah god forbid someone just get candid in saying it's a thing that warrents shame. It's an incredibly shameful thing to even consider doing.