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No. 176521
Vent your heart out, give and receive relationship advice from fellow farmers.
Previous threads:
>>145234>>134794>>122983>>108637>>86733>>70439>>44548 No. 176534
>>176530Yes. Dump his ass, he knows you have trust issues and still does shit like this
Also a coomer
No. 176535
>>176530>"I have you so I don't need it. You're the only girl I want to look at"That is manipulative. What else is he willing to lie to you about to make you feel good?
There isn't a single man alive who doesn't sometimes want to look at other women.
No. 176540
>>176530I've been in a relationship where early on I opened up about having a certain issue, not athe same trust one but something else. Felt it was the adult thing to do to put it out there and be open..To have faith in him to appreciate that openess and use that sensitive info constructively! He then managed to trample all over me in the one exact way that would hurt me most. He had the knowledge no know in advance how devastating that would be for me. I see the similarities here.
Like you said, it was just so unnecessary to lie. I don't think you're overreacting. The fact that you had no issue with porn anyway.. he wasn't backed into a corner or shamed into hiding it. That solidifies just how selfish and like other anon said how weirdly manipulative it is to feed you these bs lines and try to paint himself as something that he's not. He took the initiate to lie and fake who he is without anything prompting him to. That's the type of liar I wouldn't bet on changing.
No. 176561
>>176530I've answered this same question in another thread and don't feel like typing it all out again, but to sum up: Men who test you with little white lies are hiding a hundred bigger, nastier lies behind the curtain. The heart of the matter is that they don't respect you enough to abide by your boundaries and feel entitled to manipulate your image of them to keep you on the hook. That is not loving, healthy or respectful, it's devious and controlling. He's playing a game with you. Dump.
>Is this a valid reason to break up with him or am I overreacting?Also, you have the right to leave any relationship for any reason you want whether it seems minor to other people or not. Countless women have stayed in garbage relationships because they've been gaslit by men, acquaintances and society at large into thinking they're "overreacting." All that fucking matters is that it matters to you. If someone's actions are making you feel bad about yourself, do not waste any further time on them.
No. 176577
>>176530my most recent ex:
on one of our first few dates, i asked him if he watches porn. he said "no", "not much at all". he agreed with me that it isn't really that good physically or mentally for a guy. and i let him know i didn't like it.
some time (a couple months later) he fully let the facade down and would ask me shit like if i'd watch porn together with him. i didn't want to get into his watching habits directly, but i kind of realized that he probably does watch it more than he let on.
that wasn't the reason we broke up, but it was one of the things that bothered me about him that i decided to "swallow" so i wouldn't seem like a controlling or needy gf or something.
your bf knew very well what he was saying to you, and how much weight his words held. no matter how much men like to play dumb, they are very well aware of how much weight their words carry to their partners. why does it mean more to a woman to hear that her bf thinks she's beautiful, as opposed to some random guy? same logic applies here. he flat out lied to you, and trust me when i say you REALLY need to reconsider how far you want to let this man push your boundaries. if you let him do it enough, when you break up, you're going to feel stupid for letting him walk all over you. you're going to wish you held your ground a bit more.
also
>he goes on redditbarf
No. 176618
>>176614My ex always accused me of cheating and blamed his past exes for being paranoid. Turns out he cheated on them and then on me with one of them and countless other women. He nagged me so much that I was cheating. I was so confused because I was so devoted and loyal. I had told him about my parents divorce due to infidelity and how it shaped my view on relationships. We obviously had what I thought were good genuine moments together then suddenly back to have you cheated on me? Etc. He was cheating on me and there were times that mutual acquaintances would allude to it vaguely and I'd ask him whenever he would ask me. These turned into horrible arguments. The final one on the matter he blurted out some shit that I'd only accuse him of cheating if I'd have been. I was like that's what you've been fucking doing to me for months, so you're telling me the only reason you're fixating on it is because you've done it. He never admitted to it directly but also never denied it. The only direct confirmation I got was from other people who witnessed it or my ex told them directly about it.
If you know you have literally never cheated and he keeps making baseless claims about it, he's probably projecting.
No. 176621
>>176614You should set boundaries. You've done everything a good partner should to reassure him of your loyalty. At this point he's dealing with some sort of deeper issue and since it's negatively impacting you, he should be getting therapy for it. It's not your job to fix his frankly offensive outlook. Tell him his constant distrust when you've done nothing to warrant it is upsetting you. Doesn't matter if
he thinks he's "just asking" innocent questions, what matters is that it's hurtful to you. It's fine if he seeks reassurance by requesting normal expressions of love (cuddling, asking you to share what you enjoy about him), but he needs to stop with inquiring if you're in love with other people and that sort of thing. If he does, tell him you will not engage anymore and follow through. Don't enable that behavior by rewarding it with reassurance any longer. His attitude toward the relationship is not coming from a healthy place. If he can't afford therapy, he can read a book on getting over infidelity and building trust. Some sort of external resource that is not you and will provide him with steps to move on. He needs to take responsibility for himself, you're not a free counseling service.
No. 176664
>>176656Wow what an asshole
Dump him
No. 176668
>>176665Sorry about what you're experiencing, anon. Also farmers are quick to just type "ew dump him" like high-schoolers without helping you step through it. My boyfriend is quite similar. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time and I know it, but he's absolute ass at responding to messages, in fact his family contacts me to ask about him because he's that bad at it. I'll send him shit and he won't respond for ages, sometimes even responding to his mates' messages and playing games with them since the time they were sent. I myself got upset because I felt like I was being ignored, so I approached him about it (as well as his family contacting me to see if he's still alive). He admitted it was a problem and that he would often read my messages, get another one, get distracted and then lose his train of thought without responding. He has since gotten better and replies to his family as well so I don't have to deal with them. I mentioned how it may seem mundane or that there's no point responding to an "I love you" because he and I know that's already true, but that type of assurance is important to me. Just like anyone else your partner may be shit at remembering/staying on top of certain things. Definitely have a conversation with him and make it known that it does upset you especially when you've poured your heart into a paragraph, and that you've noticed he's off playing games/in discord calls and ignoring your messages which hurts. Sometimes guys are stupid and need visual distress presented in front of them to really understand how its affecting you.
No. 176691
>>176679Tell him you will dump him if he doesn’t stop. Also shame and berate him for not being a proper man, say you’ll find a man who can cum inside you kek.
Porn addicts are fucking worthless and I hate them. I wasted so many years with one. They can be very sweet at first and full of promises and excuses, then they’ll flip once they’re more comfortable into a disrespectful, cajoling sociopath who will push every boundary you have.
No. 176692
>>176684You are pathetic, you sound like a fucking Redditor with your infantilisation of men.
Only deviant males get addicted to porn and they should be shunned and looked at as the disgusting broken men that they are.
No. 176701
>>176665If you're that snippy with that anon who is telling you the truth, how about you show some of that attitude towards your boyfriend? Matter of fact is he just doesn't respect or give a shit about what you have to say. Him saying "I love you" doesn't mean anything. He has to show through actions that he respects your feelings and thoughts.
"Maybe I just have to communicate more???" "Maybe he doesn't care about text messages" "maybe have has focus issues"-type of rationalization is a big massive cope and makes you look like a clown. I have untreated ADHD, I hate texting, yet I still make sure to get back to my bf when he's talking to me about anything.
If he wanted to show you basic consideration and respect he would.
No. 176742
>>176599Saying "a non-negligible percentage of men will feel no arousal toward other women when paired up" is just setting unrealistic expectations, which is going to hurt a lot more than just settling for reality.
>>176530>I have you so I don't need it.Did you not find this insulting? He practically called you a fleshlight!
No. 176759
Looking for some advice with a girl. We're both on a postgrad course at uni together and she is definitely a sperg (i.e. self-admitted autist) and as a result is quite blunt about her life/interactions with people. We're both bi, and went on a date just before the first covid lockdown in our country. It was middling since I don't think either of us really knew what we wanted; I could have made it clearer, but I didn't want to be too brazen on a first date. Otherwise we get on really well, and we're always talking otherwise. She complements me on my work a lot - we're both doing an arts' postgrad - and as far as I'm aware, she doesn't do that for other people. The other day, we were out in a group chatting about random stuff, and she started speaking about how she's sleeping around with scrotes. In part, I'm being an armchair psychologist cause she's told me a lot about how she struggled growing up with being bullied for being autistic, and I think that she sleeps about as a coping mechanism. It intimidated me a bit, because I don't feel particularly attractive. I really think we could work well together, but at the same time I'm a little scared that whatever I do won't replace her current behaviour, and that perhaps I'm trying to read in too much into our relationship as it is right now. Not sure if I really want advice or if this is just an oblique vent, but I like you nonnies and value your opinions.
No. 176771
>>176668if you think the "dump him" advice is a high schooler advice, you yourself may be too young. At the end of the day, life is short and why would you waste time with someone you have so many incompatibilities with? Invest that time in yourself and listening to yourself, instead of twisting yourself to fit the mold and actions of some random dude you've convinced yourself you need to have around (and decided to call it "love").
When people care, they do things that make you happy. They just do it, without you having to beg and overexplain and remind and all that crap, that's why it's not working out.
> "sometimes guys are stupid" … girl. you are fooling yourself. he acts that way because he knows he'll get away with it (you excuse him!) and you don't have a strong enough sense of self. can't you see you are wasting yourself away through this? there's a fundamental incompatibility that is a time bomb… sooner or later it's going to explode in your face. if you invested in yourself the time spent worring about this random dude and trying to convince him to care about your feelings, imagine how much you would advance in your career/studies/life goals.
No. 176834
>>176819You're not crazy, at all. That's really gross, especially if she knows that your bf is taken. Ultimately the conflict is between you and her, not you and your boyfriend, right? So I'd encourage you to talk with her yourself as soon as possible. Explain to her that that behaviour or humour makes you uncomfortable and you won't tolerate her speaking to your partner that way. However, if she doubles down on it or gets offended about transphobia or whatever ('cuz she thinks she's "one of the guys" lel), your boyfriend may get kicked from the group for being/associating with a
terf. I'd say that's not much of a loss since he can always make friends with other, more normal people. Just be prepared that he might feel otherwise.
No. 176837
>>176819No, you're not overreacting. Frankly it's inappropriate for men to discuss their dicks publicly in general, at "best" it's wildly immature when biological women are present (regardless of what they identify as). It's good that your boyfriend agrees with you, but he needs to be the one to tell her it's not okay. A simple, "Hey I wasn't comfortable with this, don't bring up my genitals" will suffice, and then he should distance himself if it happens again.
>So I'd encourage you to talk with her yourself as soon as possible.Yeah, don't do this. You're not your partner's mommy who needs to draw boundaries for him. Doing so also makes it easy for the other person to say you're just the psycho overreactive girlfriend. "Anon had a problem with it but she just doesn't get our dynamic, Boyfriend never said anything to me himself, so clearly it's not a big deal to him." He needs to grow up and deal with people personally or else you're going to have to submit to being with a doormat.
No. 176901
>>176899It’s iffy, but I do it. I don’t have casual sex or casually talk around or anything, people I’ve done it with I’ve been in long serious relationships with. I have the most embarrassing shit of my boyfriend, he’s not ever going to leak me LOL. I think it’s safe when theres trust and love.
It still isn’t always a safe thing to do, I wouldn’t ever do it casually with someone. If it’s a man, you have to know his views and relationship with his friends too though, and the way he talks about you. Some men like to show off to their friends, but I think as long as you’re observant of all that and know your partner is mature and trustworthy it’ll be ok if it’s what u want to do.
I think it’s fun, I can’t always see him and have sex. Just another little form of intimacy for me.
It is hard to come by a good trustworthy man though.
No. 176910
>>176899Never. It's a trend started by the younger generations and I absolutely don't approve of it. I see it as pornification of everyday life.
Sending nudes is not a sex act, it's porn, plain and simple. I'm not interested in doing free porn. I'd run away from anyone who asks for my nudes, I don't want to be objectified like that.
No. 176912
>>176899Never a good idea
and
Asking for trouble
I wouldn't be against them if there was a 1000% foolproof way to make sure no one else EVER saw them ever, but that's simply not the case.
No. 176918
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>>176899I do since I’m in an LDR. I didn’t send him any until we met irl. It’s ok, Snapchat is how we do it usually.
I like it, makes me feel validated and wanted by my boyfriend. Sometimes he buys me lingerie and I take pics.
Wouldn’t do it in any other circumstance.
No. 177036
i've posted about my controlling mother-in-law here before, and received some really nice advice. this post may get long, i'm very sorry. but please help me again, anons
so my husband's mom picked a fight with me back in january. it was about something unthinkably stupid; she wanted to visit us, wanted us to show her around, i said i wouldn't be able to take time off of work + covid anyway is a real thing, etc. she got extremely personal about it ("you hate me" was one of the nicer things she said) and i tried to stand my ground and told her she doesn't control me and if half the things that she said about me in that fight were what she actually feels, then it's best for us that we don't try to fake a relationship anymore.
i let my husband know about everything as normally/neutrally as i could at that time, as i was very riled up. he wasn't very happy with everything that happened but he didn't want to bring it up with his mom either. the most he was willing to do was to let the issue lie and no longer ask me to talk to his mother (she used to complain to him in case i ever missed one of our every-other-day phone calls).
since then she hasn't talked to me anymore, when before the fight she used to insist that i call her at least every other day. but now my husband wants to visit his parents, and she's insisting that i come along. so what's happening right now is:
- she's made my husband an inadvertent mediator by going to him instead of coming to me
- she's made it so he now has to pick sides, something he has been avoiding thus far
- she AND the father-in-law have been regularly calling him up and saying a lot of stuff like "let bygones be bygones" "tell your wife she shouldn't hold grudges" "have you ever considered we need you here and things may not be ok" (acc to my husband things are just fine)
- he's tried to tell them he would visit them by himself like four times and all four times it's come down to them yelling at him and telling him to think of his poor old grandmother who just wants to see his wife (wtf even)
it's come to the point that today they called him to ask him when we were both coming to visit them, and when he said he could come visit on his own but i would rather not, they told him to decide once and for all whether i would have a relationship with them for the rest of their life or not, and let him know. he told me that if this is what i want, i should be the one to tell them, instead of involving him.
in my opinion the ones involving him are his parents, and he should stop asking me this. i also feel justified in standing my ground since i haven't heard a single apology to this date from him, his mother, or his father. everything that they see as a mistake i've made is pointed out multiple times to my husband over the phone. everything that i see as a mistake is never specifically addressed, but vagued at like "she should let it go and let bygones be bygones".
all i want to do is maintain my space and self-respect. at this point i'm even beyond expecting decent behavior from my husband's family, including any apology. i'm able to keep my grievances to myself, i try to bury them and move on. BUT today my husband tells me he really hates that i push things so far (i have never before, with his parents). i've let this situation build up needlessly, and it would be easier for everyone else if i was the one who capitulated, apologized and visited.
please help me. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i almost want to tell my husband to divorce me and find a wife who would put up with his parents, if this is what everyone wants. i feel SO disrespected and hurt i can't think straight. i'd appreciate any inputs.
No. 177046
>>177036sorry your in laws and husband are retarded.
>she's made my husband an inadvertent mediator by going to him instead of coming to me>she's made it so he now has to pick sides, something he has been avoiding thus farThis is how it should be. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his family himself. He knows them and their expectations.
I understand if it hurts your pride but maybe capitulating this time, seeing how things play out and then deciding if you want to divorce or whatnot makes sense. If your husband's family is that awful and he doesn't care enough to understand and support you in the way you need, then plan on leaving. How often have you met in person? Maybe planning to talk in a public space instead of their home or yours will kepp things more neutral.
You know you can't expect anything from his family, but if that's the case and he still wants to have relationship/force you to have one with them then there really is no going past it.
>he told me that if this is what i want, i should be the one to tell them, instead of involving him. Nope it's his family! This is something he should be communicating to them.
No. 177056
>>177052That sucks, make it very clear to him how vital it is that he's supportive or at least not outright negative about the things you want to do. It sounds pretty controlling to be honest, and even if it's not on purpose, it can easily make you feel anxious about making plans and doing fun stuff because you know he's gonna give you shit for it. At least that's how it worked for me in the past, eventually I would avoid making plans because I didn't want the conflict and ended up isolated and miserable.
I can't stress enough how important it is to encourage your SO to do things for themselves that make them happy without letting your own insecurities (because that's most often what it is) get in the way. If your bf can't do that he's a shithead who isn't ready for a mutually respectful and trusting relationship.
No. 177066
>>177058I don't want to be one of those people who yell 'dump him' in response to every problem, but is it really a relationship you want to continue if it makes you feel like that?
My current bf is cool with any personal plans I make to the point that I didn't believe it at first because of the contrast. It feels wonderful to just be able to tell him about stuff I'm gonna do without any anxiety, and to have the only response be 'nice, have fun!'. It's a freedom that's easily underestimated until you experience it.
No. 177068
>>177066I know I should leave but I don't know how to clear that hurdle in good conscience when he's so good at making me feel guilty. I've even tried professional help but I had a shitty therapist and it was useless.
My time with this guy has been very isolating and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I know in real life anyway.
No. 177077
>>177068There's no singular good way to break up, but if you don't live together maybe try spending longer times apart and cutting down on how frequently you're communicating first? In the end you're going to have to be straightforward about it but I know it's hard, especially if you're being guilttripped.
Don't feel ashamed about opening up about this though! Anyone who hears this will agree that it's unhealthy and who knows, they might have their own experience with socially controlling partners. It's more common than you might think, and the more people that can support you in staying strong and not giving in to him, the better.
If you want I could drop a throwaway email or something too. No. 177083
>>177078Sucking it up for the sake of a partner's family is something most people have to deal with to some extent, but
>the mother saying "you hate me" just because anon couldn't take time off work to be her tour guide>every-other-day phone calls>emotionally manipulating son to visit by saying something is "not ok" but also saying him coming alone isn't enough>telling son that "wife shouldn't hold grudges" as if he should give her a scolding rather than picking up the phone to speak to her directlySomeone is acting like an overdramatic child here, but it's not anon. Also wtf is a grown woman doing asking to speak to her daughter-in-law every other day? I don't even talk to my best friend that often. She's not a fucking fourteen-year-old who needs constant oversight. The fact anon tolerated that to any extent in the first place is insane. I would be over this needy, invasive bullshit after about a week. Makes me think the husband's family is South Asian or Middle Eastern because frankly I've only ever seen this level of melodramatics from cultures that are hugely (and often toxically) family-centric. I agree with
>>177046 and think the husband needs to grow some balls and stand up for her, and if the mother wants to have any positive relationship with anon she can personally apologize for acting like a manic bitch.
No. 177090
>>177036Using him as 'a mediator' is perfectly normal. He should be on board with trying to mediate this. It sounds like they're holding an olive branch out to you and seeing as you're the one turning that offer down though..it'll be all too easy for your husband to now see you as the bad guy, the one being 'difficult' You're setting yourself up to have him take the other side.
If they were really the inlaws from hell I don't think they'd be trying so hard to have you come over and visit them. To include you in plans. They'd be glad to have him come over solo and then they'd shittalk you in your absence. I think at this stage you're dragging out a situation that could be resolved and could become civil again. All the quotes from them are about moving on and not holding grudges…that's a positive thing. It shows you can fight with his family and have them still open their arms to you. They have their dick moments but value family above staying mad. Some parents have one bad argument with a DIL and cut them off. They don't sound like terribly unreasonable people tbh. Alot of the things you listed as if they were negative points about them, aren't.
No. 177122
>>177046>>177078>>177083>>177090thank you anons for taking the time, you've given me a fair bit to think about. this is very kind and it's great to have both perspectives to think about honestly
a bit more context for
>>177078 , i've been married for 2 years and a half (we dated for five years before) and it's been a lot of sucking up and playing nice since then. i'm certain i'm not blameless in the situation, but no daughter-in-law should be hearing stuff like she is hated and she is inconsiderate because she values her job obligations over hosting and showing someone around. not after 2 years of marriage, at least
anyway i'm going to talk to my husband about this. if the situation is turning so rancid for everyone involved, he should be the one stepping in rather than leaving it to me to mend things. i'm not trying to create a bad situation for him but it's possible his family would take this better from him.
thank you anons again for the perspective and support!
No. 177142
>>177120The answer depends on many factors which I'm guessing you don't want to make public on here. Your age, history, length and type of your relationship, just for starters. It's a very complicated issue and best I can do is suggest checking Deadbedrooms over at reddit (yeah yeah I know)
But let me tell you one thing, from someone who's been on the other side. If you honestly can't see any possibility of your former attraction blossoming again, if you're not prepared to give it your best shot and making it work years and years forward, then leave. Read the stories from Deadbedrooms, this shit destroys people mentally if it's left ignored over the years.
No. 177152
>>176665Im convinced women love to be miserable. Its so funny how many stay in shitty relationships that make them sad enough to rant to strangers on lolcow just to say theyve got a man.
Enjoy your shitty relationship. You deserve your boyfriend
No. 177334
>>177324So you've established that he's both misogynistic and can't think for himself. You really want to date a guy like that? Just because in the sea of braindead moids, this one bothers to wash under his arms before he sees you? I don't know how you can speak so highly of him when he's already openly sexist. It's been less than a month and he's revealed that he thinks you're subhuman.
Trust your instincts on this one. Trust your instincts wherever men are concerned, honestly. In times of durress, you and your partner need to share the same values for any hope of survival. You deserve so much better, Anon.
No. 177340
>>177324A red flag is a red flag, doesn't matter how many other good things he had going for him. (And yes JP is disgusting.) I guarantee you there are other handsome, friendly men with pets out there who aren't into Mr.
Toxic Masculinity 101. Those few traits you listed are so baseline that it really shows how low quality most men are that they would stand out. I know that sucks, but yeah, you should move on. You're not going to convince a misogynist that he should listen to your (a woman's) opinion.
No. 177389
>>177340Yes I did. I guess I was hoping to hear some other opinions and see if there are any upsides to follow through but it has been almost an unanimous 'don't do it'. It's overly optimistic and borderline delusional of me to expect that friend to match me in my growth. I guess I just miss the times we used to share.
>>177343I think you'd be right about them not improving and dragging me back into the same shit. It's hard to move on from such a long history though.
>>177367I think I will listen to the other anons and pass.
Thanks anons
No. 177399
>>177397I once dated a guy like that, anon. He had his issues, and always seemed like he had one foot out the door.
In a nearly two year period, he broke up with me, twice. Days later rescinding his break up. It was bizarre.
After the first break up, my trust was entirely broken. I’m not sure why I stayed beyond low self esteem. But, I did break up with him in what was our third, and final break up.
With more distance and clarity, having those circular arguments where he wasn’t “sure” of things, or damaging the trust in the relationship wasn’t worth it. At all.
It seemed like either he didn’t know what he wanted, or was too afraid to “be the bad guy”- which, while being dumped is painful, it’s rarely a bad thing.
You’re opening up the door for someone to really love you.
I don’t know wether or not you should break up with your boyfriend, but the crux of the issue seems to be that he doesn’t know either what he wants, or even how to articulate it. You don’t have to wait around for him to figure it out.
No. 177441
>>177438Girl just tell him you realized you don't
need him in your life. If he wants to be with you, he can stop playing with your feelings and start acting like an adult. Sometimes it's good to walk away and have space, but only really if it's established that that is what's happening. He ghosted you and expected you to listen better and play nice when he got back cause he thinks you're nothing without him. Not to be that bitch but dump his manipulative ass.
No. 177451
>>177438Seriously this
>>177440Stop acting like you have kids and a mortgage with this scrote. Don’t put yourself through shit for no fucking reason.
No. 177579
Sorry if I mess anything up, first post. (I usually just lurk, but I really don't have anyone to ask about this lol.)
My boyfriend has a friend (girl) who he met through a ttrpg discord, and it makes me uncomfortable. I can't tell if it's normal or insane of me to feel weird about it. She sends him messages like all the time, and has admitted to having a crush on him. She'll call him pet names and send flirty emojis/lots of pictures of herself (not sure if he asked)/messages about sex stuff (not sure to what extent). They have watched anime for hours together when I'm not there/asleep (he says because he wants to spend all the time he has with me With Me, which I believe). He says he assumed that girls just act like this as close friends, so has been ok with it. She admitted to the crush knowing that he has a gf, and will ask about me sometimes. I just find the whole thing super weird (I really don't think most people admit to having crushes on monogamous people without some ill intent, especially since she's constantly messaging and spending time with him, which doesn't make it seem like she's trying to get past it). He doesn't, but is willing to quit talking to her if I am seriously bothered, and has offered several times. (If anything WERE going on, i do not think telling him to stop would matter; if he wasn't entertaining it, I wouldn't care what she said, so I have said no.)
I say "not sure to what extent" because I finally asked him to show me their dms. He agreed to, but was scrolling really fast through all of it. I asked to see specifically the part where she admitted to having a crush on him, and he only showed me the single message in the search results. He says he's embarrassed about the way he talks around her, which I understand and want to respect (everyone talks differently around some people). At the time, it made me feel better, but I'm already anxious about it again. I don't want to look just for the reason that I don't trust him, because I really want to. I FEEL like i do. He's truly wonderful, takes care of me, I believe that he loves me more than anything. I have looked at his stuff before out of fear, and don't want to do it again. I feel like I trust him, and want to rely on that feeling, because relationships are built from that. We've been dating 3 years and live together pretty much; it feels ridiculous that I feel so anxious about it… but I do. It feels like my gut is trying to tell me that I'm wrong. It's not like this stuff doesn't happen when people have been together this long, live together, seem to be solid together, etc. etc. I just don't know what's right to feel. I feel cucked and disrespected just because she's doing it, and even if I believe that he wouldn't play along with her and jeopardize what we have, I don't know what boundaries he's drawing, and can't tell if he will when things go too far. I can't tell him to stop talking to her either way (if theyre just friends that's insane, if they're not it'll keep happening somewhere I definitely can't see). I want to love and trust him, be good to him, but I don't want to be a fucking cuck because I'm trying to be Cool Girl Gf. Help
No. 177588
>>177579First of all, you are not insane! This is seriously unsettling and in your position, I would feel just as anxious and uncomfortable and unsure. I think it's a huge red flag that he agreed to show you their DMs but then chickened out halfway (by scrolling fast, not showing his response to her confession, etc).
YMMV of course, but after just one year of dating, my partner and I had already moved well beyond being "embarrassed" by anything. Some things are harder to admit to than others, but if there's nothing going on, then why should he feel ashamed? More than anything, he needs to be completely honest with you.
I'm sorry Anon but it sounds like he's cheating. While it's normal to have female friends, usually said friend is not so brazen in her affections. And taken men certainly don't spend time with them alone, for hours, having what boils down to the Discord e-dating version of "Netflix and chill."
>I can't tell him to stop talking to her either way (if theyre just friends that's insane, if they're not it'll keep happening somewhere I definitely can't see).You're right that if he's cheating, he'll just continue to do it behind your back. But what do you mean you can't tell him to stop? You said earlier in your post that he's already offered multiple times.
No. 177599
>>177579Uh, anon, you're waaaaay too patient and understanding, and I think you already know you shouldn't. It's disrespectful to you for your boyfriend to continue to entertain such behavior from his female friend. If he cut it short the second she confessed - not even in a sense of cutting contact with her but asking her to respect his relationship and you by not being flirty and getting over this crush, it would be maybe acceptable (I'd still be insecure, but can see how that would show good intentions on his part); he clearly lets her be flirty, talk about inappropriate things, send her photos etc, which is in my opinion definitely crossing healthy boundaries. Even if he has no intention to physically cheat on you and he's only stroking his ego in this way, it's disrespectful. The fact he spends time with her only when you're not there also may come of as a nice gesture to fully devote his time to you when you're together, but think about it - normally a partner would want to introduce their friends and spend time together if nothing is up, right? Maybe not always but sometimes. Did he ever suggest you play some games or watch shows with him and that woman?
At this point I think I'd take him up on that offer to completely cut ties with her or at least have him clearly communicate to her that her behavior is unnaceptable and cannot continue, with you having an insight into at least this specific conversation; and then see how things go from that point on. With a clear set boundaries it will be much easier for you to tell whether he is honest with you and ready to choose you over her or not.
No. 177600
>>177579Anon this is super sketchy and you are definitely not wrong for feeling anxious and uncomfortable about it! That they are constantly talking, watching anime together, that she flirts and talks about sex and that he won't show you the messages in there entirety because he's "embarrassed about the way he talks around her" are all big red flags.
If your boyfriend respects your relationship he should have stopped this as soon as it started, it's not cool to let someone who's admitted to having a crush on you just continually flirt and call you pet names when you're in a relationship. If you care about your relationship you would set a boundary with that person and not let them disrespect your partner in that way. That he didn't do that says to me he is entertaining her and likes the attention at the very least if he's not outright cheating. And I think you have every right to have an issue with that and ask him not to speak to her anymore, as he has offered.
No. 177601
>>177588>But what do you mean you can't tell him to stop? You said earlier in your post that he's already offered multiple times.If she's only acting weird and he isn't really entertaining it, it feels controlling to tell him to ditch the friendship, and I'm not interested in doing that. If he's cheating, I'd rather it be something that I could stumble upon, so I can leave before any real damage is done. I can't control his actions either way, so I'd rather not make the relationship harder by controlling who he can be friends with if things are really ok.
I'm not sure if I should consider continuing to talk to her without drawing any clear boundaries "entertaining it"… and I don't want to violate his privacy to scour for any wrongdoing on his part! I want to trust him! But I'm scared, and it's so weird seeming that it's hard to not be worried about it.
No. 177607
>>177606Ultimately it's your choice, I hope you find some comfort in seeing we all agree here that your worries are
valid. Don't be afraid to look out for yourself when you feel uncomfortable, but of course don't do anything against yourself just because imageboard tells you so. Good luck either way!
No. 177610
>>177607I really appreciate this (and all the other responses, I really needed some insight here because I am mindbroken from being online in schizoid male spaces/can't view this outside of the context of the relationship very well). Thank you anons
>>177608This is a fair enough point lol.
No. 177927
>>177915Your significant other is not supposed to bully you, ever! You're not weird for wanting preferential treatment from him or expecting him to be kind to you. Yet another red flag is that he's trying to shift the blame onto you. That interaction sounds like he's saying, "hurting you is an integral part of my personality. If you loved me, you wouldn't try to change me." And that's really fucked up. Best case scenario, you two are just incompatible and would have a more harmonious dynamic with other people. Worst case, he's a little bitch boy who thinks negging you is fun and he will only grow more
abusive with time. Either way, your best option is to dump him and move on. You deserve to feel uplifted and supported by your partner, not shamed for the basic request that he treat you kindly.
No. 177932
>>177915>>177921 This.
You've basically been told by your boyfriend "I know my behaviour hurts you and I have no intention of changing that", time to find a better bf.
Not to mention that
> this is who I naturally amis just a bullshit reason to justify not having to change his behaviour. He has complete control over what he chooses to speak, it doesn't ~~naturally~~ roll out of his mouth beyond his control.
No. 177949
>>177915i can give you perspective from the other side; i used to be the 'brutally honest' person in our relationship and end up hurting my boyfriend because of it. i _also_ instinctively thought "this is naturally who/how i am" but once my boyfriend brought it to my attention how hurtful and bitchy this behavior could be, i knew the choice was between being a funny asshole who hurts her partner, or toning it down because it's a crap thing to do in the first place.
this was ages ago and since then i've naturally learned being an adult means tact and patience will always be superior to any definition of unfiltered honesty.
to sum it up, brutal honesty is not a great thing to boast of in the first place, and in the second place not being vile to your partner isn't that difficult. you're not in the wrong. if your boyfriend refuses to see this, he doesn't care for you the way you deserve.
No. 178174
>>178160My dear anon, I was in your position a while back and at the time I would put off the inevitable and obvious needed line of action because I dreaded the difficulty, and how my ex would react- like yours, he would suffocate me and constantly remind me of how terrible life would be if I left, he would threaten to off himself and he was physically and emotionally
abusive towards me for the seven months I tolerated it.
You know something, anon? That fucker is out there, but he's alive and well and he's been outed now for supporting his rapist friends and enabling
abusive behaviours, and him phoning me trying to convince me to stay and throwing EVERY guilt trip scenario in my face just for me to coldly shoot it down and tell him tough shit? Most enlightening experience. I glowed the fuck up, lost weight and had a much healthier life since I cut him off- this massive weight on my conscience that made my mental health worse. You don't see yourself with this guy and he sounds parasitic- you are not the asshole for being honest and do not let him tell you otherwise.
I say this as someone who had to give it a few goes before I managed because I'd get scared he would actually hurt me or himself if I did but you need to rip the bandaid off.
I recommend letting a few trusted close ones in your life know before you break up, make sure you can stay somewhere with them if you feel he's so intense he'll try to convince you, cut him off if you need to right now. You are in control of this break up, and therefore no matter how difficult this feels in your head, it's going to feel like a breeze once you're out. You're going to glow and you can focus on yourself and look after yourself. You owe yourself that and you don't need this guy draining you when he can barely comprehend your feelings or listen to you as the cherry on top of the massive cake of reasons why you're going to feel a million times better once it's done.
I wish you all the luck, you've got this.
No. 178187
>>178181He said I'm too dependent on him and we had some recurring problems, and he got paranoid that I'd get vengeful which I would never, but he is always paranoid about people in this way, I just thought I was excluded because he should know I would never try to fuck up his life even if he left me. I do have abandonment issues and had problems with him wanting to leave a call with no explanation or not calling me without him telling me he won't. But he doesn't like explaining himself and I think it became too pressurizing for him. But I've been alone for a while and I realized that it's not the end of the world if I'm not in a call with him for 8 hours every day and I think I can handle this better now and give him more space in general.
>>178182I understand that is how he deals with problems and it happened in the past. It just never happened for this long and he never said he might leave me before this. I don't really want to ask him because I just want things to improve and not cause a conflict because he has a tendency to feel questioned or like he doesn't want to feel like he owes me an explanation. But tbh I talked so much about this with friends that I no longer feel the need to discuss it with him if he is going to stay anyway. I'm just interested if it looks like he wants to stay, because I deal with problems really differently than him so maybe someone here understands it more, like you said distancing yourself helps you - I'm not like that, though in this case it did help me as well, even if it wouldn't have been my preferred way to handle things.
No. 178191
>>178188He is pretty rigid about some things and I don't think those things will ever really change, but I want to be with him regardless of them because overall I'm happy with him. A lot of things about him aren't easy to deal with in a relationship. He is open to talking about things sometimes, but usually I initiate it. This is one of the few times I feel better just not dealing with it because I just want things to improve and I know he usually doesn't do well with talking about problems. And before I usually really wanted to discuss something so I risked it becoming a conflict, but now I feel better to not really talk about this because I don't feel like I'm suppressing something.
>>178189In the beginning of our relationship he used to put me on pretty long time outs, the longest was like a week but it's not like it never happened. He stopped doing that eventually, though he said a few times that he needs more time alone, and I always said sure just asked him to tell me beforehand, but he didn't like that because he didn't want to explain himself. But then he just always called me anyway. The only difference between those times and this was that with the time outs I knew he'd come back, this time I wasn't sure because he was talking about possibly leaving.
No. 178192
>>178187Judging from what you're describing, he seems to be the avoidant personality type. You need to be very careful around those people because their attachment style is wildly different than most people's. Especially if you have abandonment issues anon. By the looks of it, he's also a bit emotionally immature, maybe not knowing how to properly work with his attachment style with others or how to properly teach you his live language. With him feeling pressured when giving explanations, it's a recurring trait in avoidant people, but he needs to realise that some things must be explained on his end, so you two can communicate effectively. You're willing to give him space but he also needs to inform you whenever he needs downtime, it's always a give and take motion, and if he isn't really down to give you anything to work with you will suffer a lot. You don't want to be stuck sweeping things under the rug just to avoid potential conflict. Maybe now you feel comfortable, but in the future, will you be able to put in all that emotional labour? I strongly advise looking into people with avoidant personality and see how well your boyfriend matches the description, you know him better than we do.
No. 178196
>>178187>>178191Would a man not talk to his dream girl for 2 weeks and make her suffer? Would a man complain that his dream girl is too dependent on him? You are just a warm body to give him sex and female attention, he doesn't care about you as a person.
>>178192This. Basically he's a pathetic excuse for a man who will avoid every single issue instead of being direct and putting in effort to make the both of you happy. The type of men who just should just women alone and jerk off alone in their basements.
No. 178216
>>178212Okay, thats a good point, hes probably embarassed too.
I’m also worried about the other coworker we shared a cab with and if he had any suspicions, i have no idea if i handled it “elegantly” or if it was obvious since i was extremely drunk.
But just deny it right? There isnt really any “evidence” besides that, and he cant know for sure if i did go back to his place (i think)
No. 178252
Anons, how difficult it was for you to go no-contact with one of your parents? (in this case, specifically with father)
A friend of mine got a shitty father that left their family 10 years ago for the other woman, and the way he acts towards his previous marriage kids is very abusive and questionable.
He always invites them to come over, talk and stuff like that, just to end up targeting one of them as a mental torture. He would always find something bad in anything, and he would make sure to tell you that. But not in a grumpy way, more of a 'smug asshole' way.
He cares about them, he really does, but it's always only them being a target of his toxicity. He would not be ashamed to talk shit about one of them and their job or life choices, which makes them uncomfortable as hell.
And I just thought… Maybe I could try telling my friend to try going no-contact with him&
The sad part is that if this friend will start venting and talking about the way she feels towards it, it is clearly obvious that he will accept it, but then he will start targeting the other child to the max.
I just feel bad for this friend and I personally went no-contact with my mother for two years now, without any dramas or anything. I just stopped talking to her at all. Yep, it drives my mother crazy but i do not care and never lured myself into her traps which she tried to make in order to reach out to me again.
If that helps, he acts nice towards his other marriages kid and buys him anything (By that, I mean anything. This kid got 4 gaming pcs and 2 VRs, including the super expensive valve one.), and his wife is a nice woman, but she is also very strict and it's obvious how a person would feel about the other marriages kids.
I do not know, it's a difficult situation, especially because the father always invites the whole family (not previous wife ofc LOL) on hang-outs, xmas and stuff like that.
No. 178302
I have a crush on my boyfriends best friend and I don't know what to do.
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. Things started out great but slowly things have declined over the years. We've been in a dead bedroom situation for 4 years. All of this is mostly due to his bad mental health and a lack of mental health resources where he lives. I know he struggles a lot so I'm patient and help as much as I can, but the lack of intimacy really gets to me. For the past year, he's also been getting more irritable and it's tiring to walk on egg shells around him. Don't get me wrong, we have fun together and there's a lot I love about him, but overall, this relationship weighs on me a lot.
I've known his best friend for awhile but never got to hang out with him much until the past few months. He's great, we have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, etc. I find myself thinking about him constantly and daydreaming about dating him. I don't know if he feels the same way about me, but he does lean on me for support when he's upset, wants us to learn to cook together, wants to go on fun road trips and adventures, etc. He makes me feel desired and really happy again.
His best friend and I are moving in together soon to save money on rent since we're both broke and can't find other roommates, and this is where my complicated feelings come into play. I can't help but wonder what it'd be like with someone else, now that I've met someone who makes me feel excited again. I miss being intimate, wanted, and needed. I know nothing will come of this. Neither of us (assuming he felt the same way) would want to hurt my boyfriend, and somehow the fact that it'll never happen hurts.
How do I deal with these feelings? I feel like it's eating me up inside.
No. 178306
>>178302Why are you moving in with the best friend guy not your boyfriend? Is this an LDR situation?
This said, 4 years out of 6 of a dead bedroom would be enough for anyone to get out of a relationship. You have every right to want to feel desired and courted, and it's only natural you'd look to the next closest person to fulfill these needs. Instead focusing on your little crush though you should really think through these feelings and whether you really want to keep your relationship going - if you just ignore your problems or 'blame' them on said crush, you'll inevitably end up doing something you'll regret and that will really hurt your bf. Maybe it will be better for you both if you consider breaking up. I'd definitely not tempt the fate by moving in with the friend though, sounds like disaster in the making.
No. 178307
>>178304>>178305My boyfriend is actually really happy that we're moving in together, because he plans to also move in with us at a later time and he's excited for all of us to live together under one roof.
I guess I am kind of holding on because I don't have many other friends and no family and I'm scared to lose him, since he's been such a constant in my life for years. I also worry about him a lot. I know it'd be devastating to him if we broke up and he doesn't really have any support either. In some ways, I think our relationship is a little co-dependent.
>>178306Sorry if I didn't explain things well enough. Yeah, we are in a LDR at the moment. I would never cheat on my boyfriend since I've been cheated on in the past and know what it's like. My feelings about his best friend have just brought all my negative feelings about my relationship to the surface and it's depressing and confusing.
No. 178311
>>178308We actually did have an open relationship for awhile but I never found anyone I was interested in. We eventually closed it because I thought it'd be better to focus on our relationship, even though he didn't really think it was necessary. I don't think he'd be okay with me dating someone so close to him though, as he sees him like a brother.
He most definitely knows about our issues. We've argued about it countless times over the years and have tried time and time again to find solutions and compromises. I eventually just gave up pursuing him and trying to find solutions because I got rejected so much and it was destroying my self-esteem.
>>178310Thanks, maybe you're right about the sunk-cost fallacy and it's just hard for me to admit.
No. 178336
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>>178302>>178305>It sounds like you're staying with him more because of familiarity and putting him firstDifferent anon but I was in a similar situation, and took it as a sign that I needed to move on and stop hanging onto my relationship before it got worse. If anything this could be a time for you to really look at yourself and try to build your self esteem (I realized mine was so low because I sacrificed so much and stayed with what was familiar, to the detriment of my mental and physical health. I felt trapped but then realized I had to start doing things for myself to break my co-dependency). Also, if you move in with that best friend, your feelings will only get STRONGER. So you have to start taking some action now to make positive changes in your life, because if you try to act like nothing is eating you up inside, it's going to come out in unhealthy and self destructive ways. If you have to move in with him, keep minimal contact and really try to focus on taking care of yourself and doing things that will make you feel happy outside of a relationship. Part of the feelings you have now is in response to the unhappiness that you have in your current situation, so getting fulfillment outside of that (and more time to heal) will subdue the internal pain and wanting that you feel right now.
>>178315>Even if it is a bit lonely, it feels good to get out of a bad relationship.Here, here! It will get better! Your peace of mind is everything!
No. 179117
my 21) boyfriend of 2 years (25) was always vocally anti-porn, brought up hating porn to me before i ever talked about it when we met. i thought he was perfect. i bragged about having a porn-free boyfriend and felt truly grateful knowing his desire for me was free of anything pornified and fetishistic, i never felt used or unwanted.
found terabytes of porn on his computer on accident a few days ago while staying over at his house. i couldn't sleep and he was in bed. i started shaking and couldn't breathe. i took pictures of some of it with my phone, looked at his recently opened files folder, and found out he was watching porn on our 2 year anniversary (which he did not remember), watched porn before picking me up that day, watched porn when he said he was busy working, etc.
he woke up and came downstairs and found me shaking in the dark, asking me what was wrong. i put his hand on my heart so he could feel how hard it was pounding, because i couldn't speak. i started trembling more and almost collapsing. i told him i found his porn. he played dumb and told me he doesn't watch porn, that any files i might've found are old. i told him i looked at his recent downloads and recently opened files, but he told me that "computers are flawed." i said, repeatedly "i am not stupid," and made him swear multiple times he was telling the truth, incuding making him swear on his dead grandmother's grave.
i chose to believe him, with a sinking feeling still in my chest. went home, still felt like something wasn't quite right. i looked at the pics i took of his files, googled the titles of the porno he downloaded, and found out they were all recent uploads and could not have possibly been downloaded years ago. i confronted him and he came clean, saying he's a porn addict who tries to quit every so often but always ends up watching it again because it's "the novelty of it, always new things," and "it's a kaleidoscope of visual stimulation, like a dopaminergic drug."
of course, i feel like i will never be enough. he has been swearing up and down that the only reason he lied to me was to save me from getting my feelings hurt, that feeling me shake was enough to make him want to truly quit forever. i've spoken to him endlessly throughout the relationship about how much i hate porn, how i have friends in the industry who are mentally ill and sexually traumatized and addicted to drugs, how it reminds me of my own sexual traumas, how it hurts women, how it even hurts the men addicted to it. he always agreed and listened. he insists he is actually going to quit for real this time, but i'm so afraid because i know he's probably told himself this hundreds of times, if not every time he's jacked off. i feel so useless, he consciously chose hundreds of other women over me, specifically because he wanted to fuck them, and not me. maddening. i can't imagine wanting anyone but him but it's socially acceptable for him to want to fuck every woman in sight, or at least a meticulously curated smorgasbord of random porn stars he thinks are hot.
i hate it. he's perfect in every other way. he had never lied to me about something else, and we've never had any other issues. he wrote a note on a piece of paper and taped it to his mirror saying why he's quitting porn, listing off that it's anti-woman, contributes to proliferation of misogyny, and unfaithful. but man, i just needed to vent. i can't/won't tell any of my friends so here i am. inb4 "dump him" i won't because i truly love him and he's been nothing but wonderful outside of this.
No. 179118
>>179117like wtf, step sister porn, stepmom porn, super young women, japanese pantyhose fetish porn, james deen porn (he's been confirmed to be a rapist and over a dozen women have come forward saying he raped them on set and off set), threesome porn…telling me good night and he loves me right before he goes to jerk off to a rapist for a quick rush.
i hate this. i hate how men portray porn as "just fantasy," as if its detached from real women or their girlfriends. the women on screen are real, and there's a conscious decision to choose them each time. fml had to vent.
No. 179119
>>179117so sorry anon, i wish i could hold your hand
probably not what you want to hear, but from personal experience - they'll tell you they're going to quit, but either they won't actually do it, or they'll slip up, sooner or later they get back to it. once a porn-watcher always a porn-watcher. just something to think about
but i really hope you feel better. if it makes any difference, it's not you it's entirely him. he's lucky to have you and knows it, which might be why he lied in the first place in some misguided attempt to keep you for longer
No. 179123
>>179117If he's gone so far as to refer to himself as porn addict then it would be naive to trust him to just drop the habit now. That's two years where he's lied to you consistently about something that obviously is a big deal to you.
I'm personally okay with bfs watching small amounts because I doubt any man who claims to be totally porn free. But if you are staunchly against it and he's lied this hard and this long.. You've every right to feel devastated or to consider the trust lost here.
Rapist James Deen loves to get pretty rough and disrespectful in nearly all his scenes too btw. Even when he returned to filming scenes post rape and domestic abuse revelations.. His stuff is overwhelmingly violent.
No. 179127
>>179123he would go months without watching it apparently, but slip into the habit again and rationalize it with "she doesn't know, so it's not hurting her," failing to remember that porn is harmful to others, not just me, and just because i'm not aware doesn't make it magically fine. what TRULY bothers me, at the core, is the dishonesty, though..
and like
>>179119 wondered, he did say he lied specifically to save me from more pain and had a plan to delete everything once he felt my heart pounding and saw me crying, saying that this woke him up to the weight of his actions. maybe i really am naive but i do believe in his ability to quit for good, he just has to not fall into a hole of rationalization and thinking "ok, just this once, just one more time." because it's never just "one more time."
he was only watching it twice a day max, going days between watching usually, but he still considers that an addiction (as do i) because the compulsion to watch more kept popping back up, even if it wasn't 10 times a day like some guys.
i must seem pretty pathetic to some people here but thank you both for just reading this and making me feel heard.
No. 179130
>>179117I'm sorry anon, we understand your feelings and we're sending you love. Maybe both of you, but specially him on his own, can reach to a sex therapist or psychologist. It seems he needs professional help because he clearly can't do it on his own. Same routes go to same places, you know?
Porn is an addiction and should be treated as any other one. He should look into other resources he hasn't tried (and HE should do it, you can be his support, ofc, but let him prove to you, by being serious and autonomous that he wants to change)
No. 179171
>>179117He spent your 2nd year anniversary jerking it to porn instead of spending a wonderful day with the person he claims to love. He constantly chooses to lie to you and abuse your trust. Even if you love him he clearly does not love you. You can bury your head in the sand all you want, but you'll never feel truly loved knowing that you've settled for a man who chose porn over you.
You feel this awful because you know with every atom of your being that he is NOT meant for you. Please stop trying to fool yourself, he doesn't appreciate you being a martyr for him and it will not make him love you.
No. 179207
>>179171i know it sounds like hot air but he does love me, the lying is the worst thing he's ever done and there's nothing else he's had a reason to lie about. i feel incredibly accepted by him and his family, he goes out of his way to help me emotionally and financially, and he's kind-hearted in a way no other man i've met has been. he stopped watching porn around the time we met, apparently, but would struggle every few months with a relapse. porn is awful, but i do recognize that it's a deeply-ingrained addiction. i know he does love me, but that doesn't make what he's done any better. ;_; i know it sounds dumb but it's so much easier to say "dump him he doesnt love you" than to be the one in the relationship and actually be on the receiving end of his treatment, which has been nothing but good until now. and now he is genuinely repentant and being extremely open, coming clean about everything, and talking to me about overarching issues and what he must do. he deleted all his porn and has been sick with guilt for days
thanks to everyone though, he started attending therapy pretty recently so i hope he will mention this issue and the therapist will try to help him along the way instead of enabling the pornsickness.
No. 179215
>>179207Everyone is flawed in one way or another, and those flaws will create hurdles in romantic relationships. I think that it sounds like you’re secure in your relationship and compared to most other posts here, this isn’t so bad. “Dump him” is an appropriate response to issues such as abuse, neglect, cheating, etc. Lying isn’t okay, and you rightly feel your trust has been broken, but that can be repaired if he’s willing to truly work on it.
I hope you two can work through this and there are happier days ahead for both of you.
No. 179235
>>179233i dont necessarily recommend this, it really is "black magic," but it could show you if he really doesnt gaf about you.
but a good way to get a man to realize he's messing up is to start mentioning a male friend a lot more, complimenting him to your bf's face. your bf is insecure about his lack of creativity? his looks? his personality? compliment those things when you're talking about your male friend to him. every guy ive been with had a pretty obvious jealous reaction and would get pissed off after a certain point, and i never once called these guys hot either. i spoke of them in the way i speak about female friends and would show off their social media pics, just them fixing guitars or whatever. my ex ended up having nightmares that i left him for a musician friend bc my ex lacked musical talents.
another thing to do is talk about other couples, point out how your girl friend went on a lovely picnic date with her bf, say "i wish we did things like that, oh well, things are fine as is right?…" without being too obvious. it's kind of dependent on tone. just don't be too obvious or scathing.
No. 179237
>>179234Oh anon, I'm really sorry to hear that, it sounds like your ex was a right dolt and drove you mad and you deserve so much better. I probably didn't provide enough context but he's been the most loving and incredible partner for the year we've been together, it's just recently he shut down a bit when lots happened at once and I've wanted to get through to him. He definitely doesn't make excuses and his heart is in the right place, I've just been upset recently and wanting to get through to him without me being an autist and being too full on, either,
>>179235I know he's definitely gotten a little jealous before of my male friend so actually……
And maybe just the latter because it's been a couple weeks since we did anything like that and he might miss that.
No. 179338
>>179118>i hate this. i hate how men portray porn as "just fantasy," as if its detached from real women or their girlfriends. the women on screen are real, and there's a conscious decision to choose them each time. fml had to vent.Fuck anon, I feel this. I don't understand how men have this disconnect about it when they are in a relationship with another human being. It really is a sickness.
>>179127You're not pathetic about it. The problem is too many of us go through this and have to deal with it like it supposed to be fucking normal when it's not. Your bf seems like he's taking the steps to really deal with his addiction, but please start thinking about your boundaries and when enough will be enough in your relationship (because with addicts they will take and take as much as they can get away with).
No. 179345
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If someone in a long term relationship was to go from never talking about their SO on social media to posting a bunch of sappy stories and going on lots of vacations in a short amount of time would that be a sign that their relationship is in trouble?
No. 179346
>>179207Hey, I really feel for your situation. I just want to say, from my experience with addicts of all kind including porn, that being dramatically guilty is often a part of the cycle that drives them back. It's self - serving and self - pitying, and keeps them from making positive changes. Just keep an eye out in case this goes on too long.
Also, this is the sort of betrayal that might take years to heal and he needs to respect that. He's fundamentally misrepresented himself and his values to you. I suggest you get yourself some therapy too
No. 179377
>>179362I am 25 unfortunately, and we’ve known each other for about 5 years now. I shouldn’t have let it go this long, and yeah he has nudes and stuff of me, I’m ashamed of it.
I’m just so stunted in lots of ways.
I feel like he might do something crazy, like yeah release my photos, or worse, maybe send something to my house or spy on me or spy through my computer.
He’s also vaguely threatened suicide on one occasion when I told him I wanted to leave the relationship.
No. 179462
>>179377Well, you can't really do anything after your nudes are out in strange hands, which is why it's widely discouraged and should be beaten into every girl's head. What else can you do? Be with him until death? If he does release shit, of course it'll be very unpleasant, but he'll also be risking all of its legal consequences which might hold him back. I assume you live far apart if he's an online bf, so I don't get how he'd be spying on your house.
Is he some ethical hacker by profession or something? Even then, if you're really worried you should just save all your stuff on a harddrive and reinstall your system, or ask for technical help from someone technically inclined, or a computer shop/repair service, as this is no way to live staying with a scrote just because of a chance he
might do something.
And ignore suicide baiting, that's a very common loser man tactic to keep you from leaving him, it's just emotional manipulation.
No. 179490
>>179377Are you just comfortable by his weird companionship since otherwise you have no friends or family? Pull yourself up by your panties, anon. It's time to be an adult. So what if he releases your nudes? Own up to it, threaten legal action, maybe even tell his mom on him lol. If he threatens suicide, tell him you'll call an ambulance. Threaten him if he starts to be crazy. Maybe take this as an opportunity to move and not tell him.
You're a capable woman. Dumping him shouldn't be an excuse-ridden endeavor.
No. 179601
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>>179583Girl… yes, he needs therapy. Needs as in, you do not suggest but make it an ultimatum for the continuation of the relationship, especially when it's free for him. People don't need to completely have their shit together before getting in a relationship but they should be actively working on any major issues, otherwise they just want someone who'll put up with their shit rather than someone they can actually care about and grow with. If his problems have already caused a bunch of problems and he hasn't taken steps to fix himself that already tells you he's not on your level mentally, but if you're interested in the relationship possibly working out then go ahead and request he take action. Otherwise there's no point in staying with this guy.
No. 179663
>>179641Setting boundaries is way harder than it seems, especially when you are caught up in the moment and tend to forget all the little mistakes.
What worked for me was to be very aware of my own limits, and firmly but calmly share it with people. I will sound like a stupid self-development guru but in the end, what matter here are your own comfort. So, let's assume a friend said something insensitive :
You communicate it. "Hey X, I wanted to share with you something I interpreted probably the wrong way. I care about you and our friendship, so I prefer to be honest, but when you say xxx, it made me feel xxxx. I'm not making any reproaches here, rather trying to find a ground where both of us can be comfortable !"
There is no easy way to tell someone they hurt you in some ways since 90% of people tend to get defensive when they feel like they are being confronted, but it's also a great test to see if you are compatible in your relationships. If you feel like you can't express when you were hurt or where your boundaries where overstepped, you need to put some distance and consider if you really like their company or you just want to avoid conflict.
No. 179737
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Me and my boyfriend have been bickering a lot since he started working at McDonald's. Like he hates it and I get it. I can't wait until he quits. We had a good while without any arguments. Just being a regular happy couple but the job at McDonald's is fucking up our relationship. He gets irritable and says rude things and then I get irritable. I keep telling him to work more on coding and he gets annoyed with me for nagging at him but I want him to be happy and pick up a job he likes. I really want to move in together one day but lately I keep asking myself if we should break up. It's making me really upset like all of the time..I just don't know. He's a coomer for sure,bit of a manchild I mean he loves his animated babes and has little motivation but I love him so much. I'm like 18 and he's my first Boyfriend it's been almost a year. I can't leave him now and I don't want to. I just hope things get better when he quits his job.
No. 179754
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>>179737This is a good way to see how he handles stressful circumstances in the future. Why would you want to move in with someone who lets their sour mood ruin yours as well? Consider that if you're living together, and maybe one day he gets another stressful job, there is much less opportunity to walk away from that negative energy. You are far too young to feel like a nag. I recently got out of a relationship of a year and a half, and my ex-boyfriend was the same way: online computer science college student with a job as a gas station that was so miserable it started to negatively impact our relationship. I didn't feel like I could do it either, but I did, and even though it was hard for a few months, I don't regret it for a second. At this age, if a guy is struggling, he absolutely will bring you down with him. It's not worth it.
No. 179778
>>179773Well she probably a xenophobe/nationalist. Very common in some neighbouring countries (Japan/China/Korea, Morocco/Algeria, India/Pakistan..) on both sides, they have bloody history and deep seated hatred for one another is ingraned from a young age.
You're not going to fix it in your GF, it's irationnal, deeply rooted and she needs to really work on detaching herself from part of her upbringing to get over it. It's possible, but that's not your call to make. So you just have to suck it up or decide if going out with a prejudiced woman is worth it.
No. 179784
>>179782It is hard to understand. I have Algerian origins and I am always a bit baffled at the irrational hatred they have for Moroccans they use to justify the war for the Sahara, without seeing the real underlining political benefits. They only see it from a nationalistic lense.
It makes me a bit sad, knowing how my country and its neighbours (in Western Europe) all managed to get over their bloody history to make the EU. All the previous wars are in the past and people will at you like you are crazy if you bring old stuff up to blame current Germans for example. But alas we are in a world where past wars and crimes are being brought up more and more to foster nationalism, hostility and hatred… Especially common in countries that are experiencing internal economic difficulties, to rally everyone against a common ennemy.
No. 179786
>>179737As other anons said..he's your first so you're learning a tough lesson here about how some partners will come home from a bad day and gladly drag you down with them. You take the brunt of their moods and they somehow just feel entitled to do that. If they're stressed or unhapy the whole household has to be unhappy in unison.
I've been there and ffs life is stressful for us all, it often just gets more stressful as you progress in a career. The kind of guys I've known who act like that frustratingly don't change with age or through talking it out a thousand times. They're are a misery to live with or to try and lift up. The job isn't the issue here.
No. 179837
>>179833If he's been quite maybe there's something happened that worries him!Do you know the reason he's quite?
On the other hand, maybe he's just asshole.
No. 179865
>>179818the problem is is that many koreans think that japan hasn’t done enough to apologise and atone for their actions in world war two and before. although they have offered some compensation to the korean government for the comfort women for example they haven’t said a clear apology admitting responsibility. and their education system tends to gloss over their actions during world war two. and not to mention some japanese celebrities and politicians have been seen honoring war criminals at certain war memorials etc.
it sucks but also japanese people can’t help being japanese and certain prominent figures like miyazaki and murakami have been vocal in their criticism of the japanese government.
i can understand why this would be a sensitive topic for her but i think it’s unreasonable to just shut down any conversation about japan that i bring up. korea has its own problems and when it suits her she likes to pretend that she’s more of a global citizen without ties to korea but when it comes to japan she becomes very militantly nationalist. i guess in the end i’m just concerned for her because i don’t think it’s normal or healthy for her to be this upset. i brought this up with her and she basically told me that if she tells me she doesn’t want to talk about something or the conversation isn’t enjoyable for her than i should drop it. which i guess is fine .. i’ll try to respect her feelings in that regard. but i also think at some point she needs to get over herself. it can’t be good to just avoid talking about this. but i don’t think she’ll listen to my feelings about this because i think she’s already decided that i can’t understand her (and she basically told me as much) so if any change is going to happen she’s going to have to hear it from a korean person.
No. 179930
>>179867I don't think that's the case but thanks for the input
>>179904>>179843I said (calmly and reasonably) that I was happy and hoping to be hyped up and he told me he couldn't tell the tone of the message and didn't want to say the wrong thing. eh. he's not the best with social cues but he at least hyped me up after that and called me last night
No. 179995
>>179930I've been in a similar situation and have watched this play out with depressed friends. Often they're pulling back and waiting for you to stabilise before they can hit you with the imminent break up. They want to leave without the threat of it sending you.
If you have to keep nudging someone to respond to messages about your depression or to hype you up and provide support .. They're already one foot out the door.
No. 180105
>>180083Yep my ex suggested this too and it spiralled into all kind of degenerate pornsick shit. Oral rape, coercion, pressure to film porn, do acts I wasn't comfortable with and sissy shit. He got pretty pornsick and couldn't last/cum in bed, he'd go soft if I tried to touch myself. Told me he had to imagine a porn actress with his previous girlfriend when sleeping with her.
Don't let your relationship get like that. I don't say dump him but you can very strongly tell him you're not gonna do degenerate shit and that it's a huge turn off for you. Shame the fuck out of him. Tell him it makes you really turned off, dry and that's it's a loser behaviour. That you're not gonna fuck someone with barely working dick which is always what porn consumption eventually leads to. Don't be soft like me and curb this behaviour in its start or it's only gonna spiral.
No. 180142
>>180083It comes across as pretty disrespectful that he'd already know what your feelings are on porn and yet he still asks you for that in spite of that. If he has that knowledge already then surely he knows he's essentially trying to coerce you into a sexual situation you wouldn't ever want. I've been there before (not porn but asking for a sex act I clearly said I'm not into) and it's a red flag I wouldn't ignore again. If you voice that you hate a certain sexual thing it's time for men to just stop requesting it.
It's also a strange convo to have over a call rather than waiting to have it in person. Then the detail that you're only months into dating..Just imagine how much these requests will escalate if you stay.
No. 180271
>>179773If her reaction to Japanese stuff is so off-putting to you, it's a bit perplexing that you'd keep trying talking to her about it after the first or second time.
The advice you're looking for should be obvious, or am I not reading between the lines here?
No. 180331
>>180324It’s okay for everyone to have bad days, but if he takes it out on
you then it’s a no-go. Put him in time-out, tell him flat out right after a jerk comment that “that’s really mean” or “please don’t hurt my feelings with your bad mood” This is not good, healthy behavior and he needs to curb it.
Tell him that you’re there to support him and listen to his feelings but once he insults or bites, you’re not having it.
No. 180426
>>179839Someone who actually cares for you wouldnt ignore you when you said that.
Would you act like him? My guess is no so stop excusing his behavior and confront him. My boyfriend would never act like this.
No. 180631
>>180625You've done all you can then. You can't convince her to take you back, that's completely on her whether or not she wants to take the risk of being with you again (because to her, you are a risk)
Leave her be, tell her everything you've changed and that it's all up to her because it really is, don't pressure her to respond to you because silence is also an answer if she really feels uncomfortable with you.
No. 180632
>>180630You're right but I just can't help it. She has a new boyfriend and they have been together 1.5 months. I don't want to say more details on that but it seems like there isn't any sort of love between them and I think she is upset that I never gave her what I promised (marriage and children). I thought that when I promised those things and she said she wanted them she meant immediately. I should have set up strict timetables with dates in my head for when both of those things would have happened.
It hurts a lot and I think she slightly hinted that she wishes I came back before she started this new relationship but I don't know. I really hurt her. I told her that I support her and will not try to drive a wedge in their relationship but that I am here and have changed and hope to just be here and talk to her so I can rebuild some sort of stable foundation of trust and friendship.
>>180631Right, I think it may be the axe forgetting and the tree not doing the same. I have been open that I am here if she ever thinks about doing so again. I think she has given me slight hints but I also do not want to jump back in. Well, I do want a relationship again obviously but I need to form it on a proper stable structure. There would be leaps of faith she would just have to take (living with me again, etc.) that I know would be daunting for her. I know that saying "I'll be here in case you want me" is quite sad but I cannot expect any thing further. We have been hanging out a lot again and talking for hours on end, and I have been trying to show the gains I have made but I cannot expect her to trust me.
I'm really kind of an oaf and she knows that, I don't know if she can ever trust me again. She said some things that hinted forgiveness and forward progress may be possible so at this point I am just happy to have her in my life again. I can really only move forward properly but sometimes I fear I just did too much. As you can imagine it was a really intense relationship. We are hanging out again tonight. I know I sound like a deadbeat scumbag but I'm not that bad. I just made some massive mistakes and clearly had some serious character flaws. At this point anything that happens is my own fault so.
No. 180695
>>180625Jesus I got scared this was my ex for a moment and it literally could've been save for the timeline. Just goes to show how all
abusive scrotes are the same. It's such a shame men only want to get better once they've already lost the woman they supposedly "love." Maybe if you had listened to her one of the first hundred times she asked for your support you could have salvaged things. As someone in your girlfriend's position, it's as
>>180630 said: You may want her, but at this point she's done trying with you. The only thing you can do now is continue to be a better human so no other women have to serve as collateral damage on your path to enlightment.
Despite the blunt words, as far as men go, I give you some credit for being one of the few to realize how badly you fucked up rather than continuing on in self indulgent ignorance. I hope you will continue to evolve into a better person. Be respectful of your ex and all women moving forward. Don't judge her for wanting to explore relationships with people who aren't shitty to her from the start. Give her space and continue working on yourself. Maybe, maybe she could be willing to give you another chance after she's had time to heal and breathe the free air, but in the meantime you need to continue working on yourself. Give her space and let her come to you, or else leave her be if she doesn't.
No. 180736
>>180735Have you spoken with your boyfriend about this and asked him to be more verbally supportive? I know when you have low self esteem other people can't exactly convince you otherwise and it can feel like they're lying (especially after having to ask for compliments), but some scrotes really are just clueless and assume you know they think you're attractive because they're with you. And you may not believe him immediately, but over time it does help to hear it from the person you're with.
Otherwise, I would try to really focus on being in the moment during sex. If one of you being blindfolded helps, try that. (Maybe him so you aren't being looked at?) Or you could do it in the dark so you're fully focused on the feeling. Hone in on some part of his body or sensation you like, talk to him in the moment, whatever you need to do to distract yourself from fixating on what you look like. Again, the more open you can be with him about your struggle, the easier it will be to try new things since he can help you with the process.
No. 180767
>>180766He’s stringing you along. Sorry
nonny. “It’s a fake gf” is the stupidest shit in the world and if you continue to make excuses for it then obviously you are too. Cut him off.
No. 180778
>>180766He sounds like a kid. Why do you want to be with him? He's obviously not above playing mind games and fucking with you. Cut him off, who needs a man child like that that doesn't know how to grow up? He's 24 and does this shit?
I'm 24 and if a guy my age acted like that, we would ostracise him because he sounds dumb and creepy (for talking to literal teenagers, we give each other shit for talking to 20 years olds even).
Let me tell you something as someone who has dodged groomers - Older men who talk to much younger girls are mentally in the same space as the youngest they talk to. They are peter pan and will never grow up, and guess what happens to men who don't grow up? They act like dumb assholes and treat everyone like shit while having an inflated ego. Run and don't look back
No. 180804
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>>180797You’re doing great
Nonny, we are all rooting for you. Give it a few months and you’ll be kicking yourself that you didn’t do it sooner. That’s how I felt when I broke up with my bum ex.
No. 180968
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>>180797Congrats! I don’t have much advice except maybe make 100% sure you’d be safe and have a place to go if he won’t respect your decision and leave you be. Update us.
No. 180975
My boyfriend and I decided to bring toys into the bedroom, one of them being a dildo for me. I feel guilty that I'm secretly happy my boyfriend doesn't want a fleshlight in return. We discussed it and he said he didn't want a fleshlight because he didn't like how they tend to be marketed and he felt like it was a crossed line in terms of the fact that he didn't want to see it as an option when he masturbates (I stay over at his place every weekend, so we both masturbate when we're not with each other). He's okay with me using a dildo, though, and I made sure we picked it out together because well, even if it's weird, that's what I'd prefer if he were to get a fleshlight (though he isn't getting one). Part of the reason he said he's okay with me using a dildo is because he wants me to feel pleasure when I give him oral (I am easily stimulated by piv, can cum from that alone). He often gets guilty over that when I give him oral, even though I tell him it's okay and that I love pleasing him.
Anyway I feel terrible because I kept on asking if he wanted a fleshlight, even though he'd said no , only for the sake of equality. In reality, it would make me a little insecure and I'd have to get over it and that's why I'm ashamed. I made myself seem way more into him getting a fleshlight than I was because I don't want to sound like a weak ass bitch with jealousy issues and I guess looking back, I shouldn't have pushed him at all since he made it clear didn't want a fleshlight. I wish I were more understanding like him.
Idk if any of you anons could comment, even if it's just to say I'm a terrible gf, thanks.
No. 180993
>>180975How are you a terrible gf for pretending to be less insecure than you are about a fleshlight he doesn't even want despite your repeated offers? Even if your boyfriend was desperate for one you'd be under no obligation to invite one into your sex life just because he doesn't get jealous over dildos.
Fleshlights are unsexy inceloid toys for coomers anyway and there is no need to get so worked up over something so trivial.
No. 180997
>>180975I don't think you are terrible, I can understand the logic of you getting a toy so he gets a toy, just some scote toys are eh.
not sure how open you both are but id suggest lovense toys like lush and hush, you can both control them from far away and its fun to do that to one another.
but I think toys are better to enhance something than be the focal point
No. 181462
File: 1619371363383.png (71.66 KB, 275x197, 1597806954184.png)
Do you think my bf is into anorectal violence based on this?
We were hanging, chilling and talking when he asked what I thought about anal, i said disgusting and could die without EVER having tried it and he agreed… but then i was like really? because then why would you ask? (personally i wouldn't bring up anything i wasn't interested in so this is weird to me) and he answered that he wanted to tell me it was gross, and he was kinda defensive like, you really think I want to try anal? that's where poop comes out of……… as if that isn't my reasoning and as if people that are into anal aren't aware of that but don't care nonetheless. He also said there was a reason he hadn't tried it with his ex already and i said that it could easily be just because she didn't want it just like i don't want it either…….. Can anal become an obsession that makes men cheat? like, seek it out elsewhere. I'm tempted to just try it so he can stop being curious but this is also a fairly new relationship, i rather break up so he finds a more sexually compatible person? because dammit i really love him, but not enough to share EVERY part of my body. am i overreacting?
No. 181474
>>181462When I'm in a new relationship I like to pretend I'm more open minded in the beginning… Just so I can get honest answers about any potential fetishes or heavy porn habits. Guys do often lie if they think they'll be judged. I wouldn't rush to then worrying about cheating though. Next time try to get ahead and ask the guy first. Sound non judgemental as you ask. Then you can state its not for you.
I don't mean this in a bad way but if you think you should just do anal for his sake (even though you hate the idea) You don't sound ready for a sexual relationship. It's messed up that your mind went there. Especially as it's a new relationship too.. Its not healthy to be bending your own sexual boundaries for a guy but it's especially alarming given that this could work out to be some short term thing anyway.
If you regret a sex act that regret can haunt you way longer than most relationships last. I did stuff at 19 that still bothers me at 32.
No. 181481
>>181462It
can be an obsession that leads to cheating especially if he’s a huge coomer. Usually, more “sensible”” scrotes hold off cheating if the cons outweigh the pros too much. So if he doesn’t feel very committed and invested in your relationship then yeah poopdick accessibility can be a factor weighted in the decision to cheat.
No. 181536
>>181526For what it's worth I have been in a relationship with someone who openly expressed to other men he
didn't want to discuss women in that way and didn't watch porn (to my knowledge - we spent 99% of our time together and I had access to all his tech). Unfortunately he was shitty in other ways, but supposedly there are some out there who manage to check all the boxes. I've given up trying to find one myself but I genuinely hope you beat the odds.
No. 181545
>>181516ayrt and you may be right, he often boasts about how conservative he is and how conservatism is the new counter-culture. He def likes deviating from the crowd, thinks it makes him special or at least gives me that impression. But it just rubbed me off the wrong way because he brought it up first, like, as far as i know MOST women dislike anal, so there's no logical explanation to ask "in case" i like it so i don't get any false hopes up. Granted I don't initiate sexual talk often, so maybe this is why. He also could've asked to gauge what kind of woman i am based on my answer? I feel like he would be the type to do that.
>>181536nta but I know my boyfriend switched his phone to a flip phone after I told him watching porn while in a relationship is cheating. Do you think this is a good approach or is it better to have the temptation there and working on not giving in anyways? He said he could keep a smartphone and install blockers etc but he's tech-savvy. When I think about it, it's disappointing he KNOWS he'd get a way around it despite knowing how i feel.
No. 181809
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Welp. I've been married for almost three years now. A few months ago my marriage sort of came to a head.
Before I got married, I made it VERY clear that I am not okay with porn. At all. If those were not terms he was able to agree to, he could of told me and ended things then and there. He assured me he had no problem not watching porn. He always stays up late and acts secretive, but when I would bring up any worry or concern, I was immediately gas lit and told I was insecure and "always assumed the worst in him."
Come to find out, he had been watching porn the entire time, lying to me for the entirety of our relationship and marriage.
I don't want a divorce. It would leave my life in shambles. I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, which he is ok with, but it's not "possible" with his work schedule. He downloaded some porn blocking accountability program on his phone and computer, but I don't have much faith in that kind of thing and think he could easily go around it.
I live everyday in pain, sadness, paranoia, and frustration. He says he regrets what he's done, but I just don't feel like trust can be rebuilt.
Everytime I bring it up to anyone I get one of two responses, "Just leave him," or "porn isn't such a big deal." I'm tired of hearing it, I want to know if anyone has been through this and has real, honest advice.
No. 181820
>>181809>I have been trying to get him to go to marriage counseling, which he is ok with, but it's not "possible" with his work scheduleI'd push for this. He surely doesn't work 24/7, even if you don't fully mean it give him an ultimatum - he has to find time for counseling until, idk, summer or you will divorce him. Be very firm on this, and I hope it works out. For starters it doesn't even have to be a whole ass weekly therapy, just few counseling sessions to see whats up and see how things can be adjusted to fit your both shedules.
This said, this is why I'll never marry, I'd never have the guts to go through the stress of divorce if it was necessary; good luck to you anon thouh and I really hope it doesn't come to this.
No. 181826
>>181818ntayrt but I am
>>181526 and your post gave me a good kek. just to follow up: most of the instathots the guy I was talking about here
>>181502 are suicide girls. I just recently discovered that the name comes from a Chuck Palahniuk book where a suicide hotline operator masturbates to the sound of young women calling in and crying. it's even more disgusting than I had originally thought. suicide girls and anyone who wanks to them are degenerate trash and there is no cure for their pornsickness.
No. 181828
>>181809>I get one of two responses, "Just leave him," or "porn isn't such a big deal."I know it's not what you want to hear, but in the end those are your options anon. You either have the resolve to stick to your standards and get rid of a man who disrespected and lied to you for the entirety of your relationship, or you quietly accept that he just doesn't care about you more than watching strangers fuck on the internet. Yeah, ideally he will quit porn and get counseling. If he's willing to follow
>>181820 suggestion and actually improve then perhaps the marriage can be saved. But it's entirely on him at this point. You have to watch if he improves, and if not, acknowledge that you can't force him to be a better person. Your reactions are the only ones you have control over. Countless women have felt their lives would be left in "shambles" over leaving men, and often it is very difficult both emotionally and logistically. But ask yourself if the temporary inconvenience is really more distressing than spending the rest of your life settling, tied to a man who is daily eroding your self esteem and integrity because he values his limp dick more than your peace of mind. I have known women who have walked away from men with pennies to their name, children in their care, no legal home or belongings, friends lost due to siding with the asshole, and they still did it because they knew they deserved better. You'll have to make the same choice sooner or later.
No. 181832
>>181809>It would leave my life in shambles.You're capable enough to leave him but you won't, and he's calling your bluff, knowing that you won't divorce him so
why would he try to go to marriage counseling? There're no consequences for this– he obviously doesn't care that he hurt you since he purposefully gaslit you too, and the only reason he's upset is because you found out. Are you waiting until he does something even worse? He lied to you for THREE YEARS, anon, over what? Porn? Fucking stupid as fuck.
My life was similarly destroyed after my last breakup four years ago (financially, emotionally, socially, etc) but it was repaired and now I'm happy as a bee. Don't wait for a a grown man to change especially since he "regrets" it (and you know he's only regretting cause you found out, not cause it was wrong that he hurt you).
No. 181891
>>181865It sounds like you’re craving the type of intimacy that only comes with being together for a longer period of time. It’s a lot harder to jokingly “bully” in newer relationships since you don’t want to offend the other person. I think you should let your relationship naturally develop with time.
>>181879I think that would be really nice anon. Perhaps you should ask them before you give it; “I’d really love to draw you and Muffin as a gift, is that okay?”
No. 181926
>>181865I agree with
>>181891. Don't rush things, enjoy the tentative early stages because they only last a short while before you settle into whatever becomes your long-term norm. You can bring it up with her once you've been together for some time (I'd say 6+ months). Also, know that she can probably accommodate you but it should be up to her to decide in what ways and to what extent. For example, she might feel uncomfortable calling you a "dumb bitch" but wouldn't mind lightly mocking you about other things.
No. 181942
>>181809When you say he was staying up late, was he basically opting out of the chance of sex happening with you..to go off with his laptop instead. As in was it a dead bedroom or was he picking porn over actual sex with you on an ongoing basis? If that's the case then that adds insult to an already shitty situation. If it was a dead bedroom that lead to the porn I could see how relationship therapy might help, but you don't mention an already db in your post.
Him talking about work getting in the way of therapy reminds me of how men who cheat often do the same thing, they say sorry and agree to therapy and then mess the wife around when it's time to actually book the date. This is his shit to own now, he needs to be sorting these appointments. If he's not or if he's leaving that to you that's not a great sign of commitment to change. Make it clear to him he needs to get on that. It is not your job to now drag him to it when you're the injured party here.
No. 181950
I recently got back together with my ex girlfriend. Our break up was a terrible mess, and we hadn’t spoken to each other in two and a half years. She reached out to me a few months ago and we’ve been going on dates since. But, while we were broken up she was dating another girl. I’ve known this girl for years, and we’ve always really disliked each other. They broke up after being together for a year, but remained close friends. I really thought I didn’t care about their relationship/friendship, but lately I’ve been feeling jealous.
While I’ve been hanging out with my girlfriend and her friends, her ex makes it clear that she dislikes me (rolling her eyes while I speak, refusing to sit near me etc). She also goes out of her way to kiss (on the cheek) my girlfriend and constantly touch her which makes me really uncomfortable. I tried mentioning it to my girlfriend, who defends their friendship by saying that all of her friends kiss her on the cheek (they never seem to do it while I’m around) and that the girl was constantly there for her while she was heartbroken (due to our breakup) so they became very close, while also adding that she’s also just “naturally affectionate”. Regardless, I feel weirded out. Whenever my girlfriend tells they’re hanging out together (without other friends), I genuinely feel sick inside.
Am I overthinking this? I don’t want to be this annoying, jealous girl but it’s obvious her ex still has feelings for her. I get they’re mates, but hanging out with someone who clearly doesn’t like me also upsets me. We’re all teenagers btw, which maybe explains the pettiness/messiness.
No. 181959
>>181950An important thing to remember here is that people tend to misplace anger in these situations and then the partner doesn't get held accountable. Your gf is the one who owes you respect and consideration more than her friend does. It's her job to either help you two get along or (maybe more realistic at this stage) to not make you two coexist if it's just going to be full of bitchy vibes, stress and disrespect for boundaries.
It does sound a bit cucky and like she plays women and doesn't regard your feelings. There's an ego boost when two women are fighting over you and you don't have to address it because they're too busy hating each other to actually start hating you.
No. 181965
>>181953She has supposedly reprimanded her, telling her to back off/not be so affectionate. so now I deal with her constantly glaring at me or icing me out of conversations, which isn’t much better. I feel like my ex probably didn’t talk to her properly, so neither of them think it’s a serious issue.
>>181959Yeah I have a feeling that she’s kind of enjoying it. When I first told her that I was uncomfortable, she did laugh but quickly composed herself. I would rather not hang out with her friends but she’s instant on us all being mates. She never hangs out with my friends though?
The other girls in her group have noticed and go out of their way to be friendly towards me; if they have noticed then it must be obvious. while we were together (before our breakup) I was a bit insecure, which upset her so I guess i’m trying to be different now? This is my first proper relationship (she’s the only person i’ve been with) and we’ve applied to the same universities, so i’m kind of hesitant to dump her. I don’t want to end up at the same uni as her and her friends. Starting to think getting back with her was a mistake.
No. 181967
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can any of you anons please help me think of a way to politely articulate to my boyfriend that I'm feeling taken for granted and underappreciated? I'm going to have to text it to him because I know I'll cry and come off as hysterical if I say it on the phone or in person
No. 181971
>>181967Both
>>181968 and
>>181969 are right simultaneously
No. 181972
Im
>>181968 and if his response to your message is anything other than accepting it and willing to support you then I agree with
>>181969.
No. 182009
>>181998Anon, you should be asking yourself why are you like this? Why do you stay with someone who causes you so much pain, paranoia and fear? Someone who decides to hurt you when he only thinks of himself and his 'pleasure'.
If he won't try to stop or fix it and it causes you this much pain and he is aware of that then you aren't right together. There is a guy out there who would listen to you and not intentionally hurt you so stop wasting your time on this idiot.
No. 182084
>>181998Did you see
>>181809? Not to diss that anon, but if you don't want that to be you in a few years with a bunch of stuff making it even harder to leave, get rid of this sack of shit now. You are choosing to accept something you know you hate for the sake of… what? Not being alone? It's not worth it. The constant stress and pain will outweight whatever positives he brings. Make friends, focus on yourself and maintain your standards when engaging with men.
No. 182202
>>182181Not really. In addition to all the things you noted there's also the fact that most scrotes just absolutely suck at sex in the first place. So you may be horny but ultimately you'd just get blue ovary-ied anyway. Unless you only fuck them if they get you to orgasm through oral or you're really good at getting yourself off during sex.
But if you really must - STDs: have the man wear a condom, don't put your mouth on his bare dick. Kidnap/murder: tell a friend or relative where you're going and who you're going to be with. Don't have more than one drink and make sure you saw it being made. When you fuck, do it at your own place. Get as many details from him as you can before you bang and confirm them online. Where does he work and live, what is his full name? Shouldn't be difficult to get within the first week or two of knowing him. Be prepared for the dude to bounce after he bangs you once; if you're truly just looking for hook ups, that should be ideal for you too and not matter. The ones that stick around usually develop feelings despite them always thinking it's the women who want more, so have a finger ready on the block button once they get too needy.
No. 182223
>>182202I mostly agree with you
nonnie, but about taking the guy to your place, that sounds like a bad idea. I once had a guy I’d been on
one date with show up to my house drunk and looking to “hang out” at like 2am. Staying over at the guy’s place might be dangerous, but I think it’s way worse to have random tinder guys knowing where you live (especially if you live alone). You really can’t win imo, casual hookups with men are just not worth it for women. Maybe if you’re bi and want to sleep with women it can be okay, but most guys want hookups because they want a bigger body count. They don’t care about getting you off or making the experience mutually enjoyable. The risks heavily outweigh any positives.
No. 182302
>>181965Dump her as soon as possible, she's abusing your trust
Anyway you don't have to see each other when you're studying at the same university
No. 182304
>>182138Yeah he told me he can't fix the distrust that his has caused. Understandably. It's a little devastating to read that he's gonna work on his intimacy issues now but not with me.
Just makes me feel like my issues were too big for him.
No. 182465
>>182288Kek seriously anon? Of course scrotes are desperate. They're willing to pay for drinks and dinners on the off chance of sex or even to just spend time with a woman, but you think they wouldn't also be willing to cough up a similar amount of cash (in fact an average 3-star hotel is likely going to be even cheaper than a restaurant) when the sex is basically guaranteed? Heck there are love hotels specifically for hook ups in Japan, no reason why you couldn't use them for the same purpose elsewhere (and people certainly do). Not a bad suggestion by
>>182287 to avoid the dangers present by doing it at either person's home. If a man wasn't willing to pay for a hotel to bang just about any woman then I'd say he's a massive outlier. Scrotes literally do not care what a woman looks like if they're getting their dicks wet.
No. 182471
>>182378What do you mean, hotel employees spying or some random scrote being in agreement with hotel staff to breach privacy rules and allow him to set up a camera in a room he will later pretend to be booking? I feel like both of these scenarios are even less likely than being murdered.
In general everything in life comes with a risk. You can't guarantee a 100% certified safe hookup same as you cant guarantee an, I don't know, 100% certified safe relaxing day at home because the building can go into flames or there can be a gas leak or you can slip on bathroom floor and break your leg. But being overly paranoid about everything is not going to make life easier.
No. 182484
>>182471samefagging but I hate to break it to you
nonnie, human trafficking and child porn frequently takes place in hotel rooms, so give your head a shake if you think degenerate scrotes give a fuck about the rules
No. 182525
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>>182523Oh my god anon, I'm so sorry that this happenned to you. I think you should definitely confront him about it.
>i feel so disgusting inside.please don't say that about yourself, you were never the one who did something bad here and you couldn't guessed it. This is all wrong, he should be the one who's ashamed. I'm wishing you the best for the futur!
No. 182533
>>182523I’d not even mention the Twitter stuff to him, just break up. I dealt with something similar before (I saw something totally insane he wrote in a group chat with his friends, basically fetishizing me to a ridiculous degree) and when I brought it up, he said “it was a joke and I was taking it too seriously” and all the usual shit. He’ll either make up some lie about it being his twin brother’s account or he was just kidding around and you’re being too serious. Just not worth the aggravation. The dming other women is reason enough to break up, even if he owns up to it and promises to change, you already know how he really thinks. Wish you the best,
nonnie.
No. 182597
>>182523Fuck's sake. I'm sorry anon, his behavior is disgusting. I totally agree with
>>182533 because when a scrote does something this blatantly repulsive and disrespectful within the relationship you don't owe him shit. He knows it's fucked. He knows and doesn't care, and you shouldn't have to put up with any of that. Don't give him the chance to try and worm his way out of it and make excuses. Frankly, there's no excusing what he did/is doing so there's no point in discussing it. He's a cheater, a racist and a degenerate. Follow your gut and just get away from him. If you end up needing to go back to get more of your stuff, just give him a time to expect you and let him know you'll be bringing people with you so he doesn't feel emboldened to blame his own inadequacy on you. He has no respect for you, trash that he is, but shame will likely keep him in check when others are present. You might want to screenshot a few things you found as well, in case you have any joint friends and need to defend yourself before he tries to cover his tracks.
No. 182636
>>182634Take the easiest way out. Eat the fee, move out and stay away from him. You're right that you should pay as some sort of karma for being an ass
The other option is to have him pay half, which is not happening. Just pay and go instead of dragging this out
No. 182642
>>182636Yeah I don't want to drag the process or make it any worse.
>>182640I appreciate your kindness and consideration that the infidelity is a symptom of a deep problem.
He does have the option to take over the lease. I asked him if his plan was to live as roommates for the remainder and of course he doesn't want to. He just keeps phrasing it as 'I'm breaking the lease'.
Part of me wants to pay it just so he won't hate me more but also I'm trying to do the whole 'not be codependent' and be only concerned with my problems now.
No. 182645
>>182642I would tell him if he wants to take over the lease then he absolutely pays the rest on his own because you won't freaking be there. Tell him you'll discuss it with the landlord if he has any doubts about that, because I'm almost certain they'll side with you. Shit sucks all around for both of you, he doesn't get to make himself out to be the long-suffering
victim when he made the big boy decision to sign a legal document saying he is responsible for payments. He's being petulant and selfish.
No. 182661
>>182634Was in a similar situation. I had a relationship end because of my actions (not cheating but being way too much lashing out at him when angry) I took over the full amount of the lease for its remainder and I didn't fight him, yeah I felt somewhat bitter about the sudden expense but honestly the breakup was on me so I look back and I'm glad I didn't fight him over finances and further cement myself as an asshole. There's value in walking away with some dignity and not doubling down on hurting and fighting an ex.
I now see circumstances like that as just taking accountability for the consequences of your own actions. It's unfair to already damage someones trust, hurt them emotionally and then land them with the bill for the fallout you just caused.
No. 182676
>>182661agreed, best to cut your losses and pay the fee to save yourself the extra trouble, since you're the one who wants out of the lease. No idea why the unsaged
>>182669 thinks it's an opinion that deserves death
(minimod) No. 182683
>>182675I don't think it's codependant for you to cover the expense, I see it as quite the opposite. You're taking responsibility for the knock on effect of your own choice.
The way I see it, paying that enables you move on with cleaner hands, less to feel bad for. You broke his trust but at least you didn't add insult to injury by making him quite literally pay for your mistake. It's mature and the right thing to do imo.
No. 182689
>>182634>>182675It makes morally most sense for you to pay for it because you're the one who wants to move out.
Now if you just want get out with as little as financial damage as possible, especially after you've already financially supported him, do it. I'm all for trying to get as much as possible out of a broken relationship but it's not the route that will save you energy, face or dignity.
So in my eyes it's pretty simple. Want to move out as quickly and smoothly as possible without creating even more bad blood? Pay for it fully. Don't really care and don't mind going through trouble to save as much money as possible? Make him pay for it if you contractually can. It's your choice what you value most.
No. 182768
>>182644Just remember that you had a routine before him. You lived and survived your whole life without him existing and you can do it again.
State that you're breaking up with him. Give him a short explanation if you want to– but don't feel that you're obligated to explain yourself. Hold your ground, do not let him negotiate. Then leave.
No. 182823
>>182820How is he using me ? I love him but just as a friend ( I'm in a long term relationship and he knows this). He doesn't ask me for nudes or anything like that. So it makes me wonder why he would want to keep my friendship.
>>182819Pls read my above statement. But what you said makes sense.
No. 182880
In an LDR of one month. We've known each other for a year as online friends and have had that slow burn intimacy ramp up at the start of this year. The honeymoon phase went strong until this week when I noticed him distancing and doling less affection. I asked him about it calmly, not expecting much. Turns out his feelings were more complicated than that.
The three long blocks of texts from him explaining himself and phone call later on ensured a lot of talking. The biggest issues were 1) him being overwhelmed balancing the time needed for our relationship and IRL priorities, which he struggled to get ahold of after dealing with an Internet addiction; 2) his waning intimacy/attraction to me after cybersex (he's ace. I'm not and was very cautious trying video sex out because of that. He enthusiastically gave consent and said he enjoyed the encounter without anxiety more than expected afterwards); 3) his anxieties that our relationship had moved too fast and the uncertainty for the future.
I was surprised that he didn't want to break up despite all this. He said that he couldn't give a definitive answer to that in his mental state. To him the core of "our dynamic" hadn't changed. I interpreted that as him being unsure of whether he was committed to the LDR and me and decided to give him space for a week with barebones texting, which is one of the things he wanted. This was to give him time to recover, see if he still missed me in a romantic sense beyond companionship, and give myself time to process the worst case scenario.
However, a day later, reflection provided a new angle. With the things he had said and me knowing that his closed-off personality, isn't it more likely that he's majorly depressed instead of a straightforward hot-and-cold? I don't want to drop the diagnosis without the degree, but the things he's said and his past behaviors match the symptoms. I'm also depressed myself so I'm kicking myself for letting my ego overwhelm my wisdom in that moment. If that's the case then I don't think the week-long break is a good idea because that encourages further distance. We should talk things out again.
But forgoing waiting and breaking the quasi-silence in the first place would disrespect our current boundaries. Maybe he does need the time alone. Today he just sent me Soko's first album without context and seenzoned the ambient album I sent back. I'd want my partner to reach out in this scenario but he's the "I can handle my problems alone", Batman-esque type. Pls help, farmers. I want to support my boyfriend and not create emotional dependence on either end. How?
No. 182884
>>182880Have to agree here
>>182881. You're 0% sexually compatible. Imo sexual compability is such a fundamental part of a good and healthy relationship that you can't compromise on it, at the very least not to the extent that you're literal opposites.
You're only one month in, LDR, he's ace you're not, he has mental health issues, there's nothing of value here for you.
No. 182960
>>182881>>182884>LDR, he's ace you're not, he has mental health issuesThese are open to compromise and aren't dealbreakers to me. Harder to navigate all three at once, sure, but workable. I don't mind the nature of an LDR. We're in different countries close to each other. I can take care of my sexual needs on my own since my drive isn't high, and before this talk he wasn't sex adverse. Asexuality is another spectrum. Even before this relationship I was cynical about media placing sex on a pedestal. As mentioned earlier I have long term depression and am seeking help for it. Am stable now. I've experienced its lowest lows and wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone dump a partner who was open about their suffering in a candid yet vulnerable manner. I can support him through that without dependency or losing myself.
>only one month inWould be easier to cut the potential pain ahead now with a logical mindset while there's minimal emotional investment. I get that. I didn't come here asking for breakup advice though. I want him and to try staying together if he's willing. Easier lovers in our own countries are out there for both of us. Easy is nice. Being with him is nice and other spectacular adjectives. Outside of those issues our chemistry, bond, and communication is great. He isn't a scrote and has other virtues I could extol. There are drawbacks but I disagree in regards to the relationship being valueless.
No. 182968
>>182880>Even before this relationship I was cynical about media placing sex on a pedestalBased on what? Have you had a normal in-person relationship where sexual intimacy was prioritized and are now happier without it?
>isn't it more likely that he's majorly depressed instead of a straightforward hot-and-cold? It doesn’t matter, either instance results in his emotional unavailability. He is clearly unprepared for a relationship. You can dump him now or let him slowly freeze you out of his own accord, your choice. You say you want to “support him” in the case of depression but that just means being willing to lend an ear or say nice things when he’s down. Ultimately that fight is one he has to face himself if he ever wants to get better, as you well know. Is he in therapy? On medication? Anything?
>Being with him is nice and other spectacular adjectives.You live in different countries and he’s asexual. You are not “with him.” What was the point of transitioning to a supposed romantic relationship with him when there’s no difference between it and the friendship you already had aside from added stress and uncomfortable cybersex?
No. 182977
>>182968>Have you had a normal in-person relationship where sexual intimacy was prioritized and are now happier without it?Yes. Wouldn't say I'm happier without it, more neutral—sexual intimacy's a bonus like extra toppings.
I was ace without labelling it until a sexual assault prior to my last relationship. I believe that romantic intimacy is not confined to sexualized actions.>You say you want to “support him” in the case of depression but that just means being willing to lend an ear or say nice things when he’s down.Having friends and a partner around just for that helped me immensely. If he refuses to seek help and support himself, then I'd call it quits because that alone can't help, yeah. He hasn't said outright that he's depressed beyond citing "mental issues" so I think he hasn't fully embraced that truth or possibility. He's still in the questioning and struggling to help himself alone phase. Thus no therapy or medication yet. This is new to him. I'll bring this up when we talk again. That's part of my support. I'd be willing to help him look for a therapist and adjust to his needs.
>What was the point of transitioning to a supposed romantic relationship with him when there’s no difference between it and the friendship you already had aside from added stress and uncomfortable cybersex?Wanting to meet each other and see if our pheromones meshed enough to share a potential future. COVID is the only factor holding us back from meeting to gauge this. Our desired lifestyles and hobbies are niche and miraculously in sync. I'm an oddball in that if I feel that rare, strong connection with someone, I'm willing to put in the work to help myself and be patient while waiting if they do the same. I'd understand if our relationship is just a burden and added stressor to him which he can't deal with while recovering. We're too new a couple to be in love. Breaking up now would hurt less than being in 2+ year relationship. But he isn't a burden to me. I've been reigning in my depression so that it doesn't affect others.
>You are not “with him.”We're in an LDR…that's "with him" enough for me.
No. 183001
>>182880>>182977No offense
nonnie, but you seem very young and immature. You don’t seem to be understanding the points from the other anons, and your responses are stubborn and unwilling to recognize that such a short relationship shouldn’t have such major issues this early on. The picture I’m getting is that you’re head over heels for this guy while he’s basically told you he’s not that interested in you, but he wants to keep you around because you’re probably a great listener and he can unload his problems on you. I think you should cut your losses and remove this dude from your life, you don’t sound ready for a relationship at all. A big part of any relationship succeeding is when both parties know what they want; anyone who gives you mixed messages and isn’t sure about wanting to be with you is bound to lead to a dysfunctional dynamic. Going into a relationship looking to “help” the other person out of their depression is never a good start either.
No. 183023
>>183008I agree with
>>183016 - it would be really uncomfortable if you saw the girl together but then found out from someone else, like one of her friends being all "Oh did you know your gf made out with her?" Instead, she didn't want there to be any secrets between you even if it never came up. A partner taking the initiative to be open and forthcoming starts off in my good graces since I've known so many people who stay silent when it comes to discussing important information or just outright lying. Transparency is a virtue. And don't worry about the other girl, I know it's a tired phrase but looks really aren't everything. When you're attracted to someone's character, they gain a glow that overwhelms mere physical beauty in others, even if someone else is more "mainstream" attractive. It seems like your girlfriend is feeling that warmth towards you.
No. 183035
>>183032>>183034He doesn't even have any social media or an up to date phone to download apps so he's never used twitter. He's also never been overweight. I think i'll just have a chat with him about it, I just needed to know if I was objectifying him or not before I talked about it with him. I was second guessing myself.
I think it may be him 'joking' i don't usually get them cause he seems so serious.
No. 183175
Reposting from stupid questions thread
Why is it that the people who are always into me, aren't 100% my type?
Like, there's this girl who has always liked me, and she's cute, she's an afro latina and I find her hot. She has always been very romantic towards me and affectionate. Her personality can be weird but she treats me like I'm her treasure.
But then there's this other person, who I consider "my first love", the first person I fell in love with. He ticked all my boxes, he aroused and attracted me greatly, and honestly we had a pretty good time. But he's emotionally unavailable and immature, and doesn't know what he wants.
Honestly, why the fuck does this happen to me? Can't my brain just amicable settle for the best option (the girl)? I still have lingering feelings for the dude, and I wish everything went back to how it was before. What is wrong with me?
No. 183235
>>183175I don't think anyone is 100% perfectly anyone's type. It seems that ~true love~ is just accepting and adoring someone regardless of whether they meet everything on the checklist.
That sounds cheesy, but true of all the long-lasting relationships I've seen. And I've loved people who are not "my type" so often that only 1-2 traits define it now kek.
Also, give yourself a break to get over this dude. It's always taken me ~a year to get over big feelings completely, so if you're a sentimental bitch like me you also just need the time.
No. 183247
>>183221>do you have to be 10/10 for men to approach and ask you out irl?I'm not sure why you'd think this, but the exact opposite is true. Many men are too intimidated by very attractive women to approach them at all, much less ask them out. Because of this they often only get the most brazen dipshits who feel they have nothing to lose talking to them and "negging" them in an attempt to manipulative them into the low self esteem they usually already have. Average women are approached far more often because guys think they'll actually have a chance. You can make the leap in logic: Being approached more isn't any blessing but usually only indicates a scrote thinking "yeah, she'll do" rather than being really into you. This is only in reference to strangers approaching you though. If you know someone casually then the most you can do is strike up conversation with them and show an interest in them/their activities. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't blind when it comes to picking up signals of interest. If you've made an effort to speak to a man, get to know him, give him a few more personal compliments, then trust me, he understands he has an opening when it comes to asking you out. If they want to, they will. Don't waste time pining after a guy who doesn't have the proper amount of maturity, drive and balls to take the initiative.
No. 183258
>>183221idk but i think you probably have to be at least a 5/10 kek.
t. a 4/10 living a very peaceful yet lonely unapproached life
No. 183292
>>183277These sorts of things happen with people who have untreated mental issues. I remember many an occassion where I would organize really fun nights, taking my former partner to nice restaurants and cool events, but he'd just be totally zoned out (I'd check with him beforehand to see if he was in a good mindset and he'd say yes). I would stay as upbeat as I could and he would sometimes apologize afterwards for ruining the mood, but the fact was that yeah, things that should've been really fun were dragged down by the dark depressive miasma emanating from him. I might sound callous talking about it in retrospect but I was always very supportive and optimistic yet willing to discuss anything serious he was going through. Didn't make a difference. Your partner is the only one who can fix these things for himself. People who have these issues need to be actively working on themselves if they want a relationship because they drag people down unless they do otherwise. Believe me, I understand anxiety and depression but it's selfish to expect someone else to frequently put up with your bullshit if you can't even be bothered to work on yourself.
So is he doing anything to address his problem? If not, are you willing to accept the fact there will be many more events like this where you put all your effort into giving him a good time but he still won't be able to appreciate it? (The answer to that should be "no.") If he is working to improve and you want to stay with him, then you need to develop a thick skin and accept that he will have moments like this and during those times you should go out with other friends or on your own instead. Your life shouldn't be put on pause because he's having a bad night, but he also needs to be more upfront about when he's not in a good place rather than saying he is then being a downer. Develop better boundaries and don't put up with a wishy washy attitude. "Hey so I'm expecting you at 5 tonight, if you don't give me confirmation you're coming at that time I'm going to the movies with so-and-so instead," or whatever else you'd prefer to do.
No. 183473
I’m not really sure where to post this so I guess this would be the best place. I’m in desperate need of help.
My boyfriend constantly accuses me of cheating on him, which I would never do, have never done, nor have I given him any real reason to think I would do so. I don’t have any close guy friends, I can’t drive, I don’t even have many close friends in general. This has been going on for over a year now (we’ve been together for 3+) and I’ve completely isolated myself from social media, deleted so many randoms because he was suspicious, at one point we were working together and I had to avoid all conversation with other guy coworkers because it would put him in a sour mood all day.
I know this is a lot but stay with me here. All of these instances HAVE been of my own volition because during arguments I would get so tired and driven crazy that deleting someone I don’t care about that much to prove myself was better than going in circles arguing with my s/o.
I’ve done everything I can possibly think of to appease his mind but no matter what explanation I give him, he thinks of some other way I could get around him and sneak. He went as far as looking up how snapchat works when blocking people, apparently they won’t show up in any of your history if you just continue to block them after; he thinks I do those sorts of things to lie and sneak past him.
He’s gone through my phone and found nothing. I’ve refused to go through his but I guarantee to all of you that he’s not cheating on me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so tired and on edge all the time. There’s a lot more I could tell and I do understand I’m probably in an unhealthy situation but I love him so much and I don’t think anything that’s happened between us isn’t unfixable if that makes sense. Whether I need a slap in the face or some advice on what to say to him I’m all ears
No. 183482
>>183477NTA but no reason to be so sure. He could have some past relationship trauma.
>>183473Your bf has to address the reason of his jealousy. You're not giving him anything to be worried about, but it has to be coming from somewhere. At this point it's no longer your responsibility, you did all you possibly could to make him feel secure. Would be best if he looked into therapy, even if just one consultation or a few.
No. 183495
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>>183474"Hey, I was just wondering, why don't you say 'I love you' first? Is there a reason?" Casual, bam, done. You're not forcing him to say anything, stop assuming things and make things clear.
Him not saying it first obviously bothers you and if you're not comfortable with addressing things that bother you, maybe you're not ready for a relationship?
No. 183509
>>183473He wouldn’t even let you talk to coworkers? He monitors who you have added on Facebook and tells you to delete people? He accuses you of cheating even though he can be basically 100% sure that you’re not cheating, due to the factors you mentioned.
He’s unwell, anon, and he’s making it your problem. And you’re letting him. You’re obliging him even when he’s being completely unreasonable. (I’m sure he’s a manipulative asshole who makes himself sound reasonable to you though.)
He’s isolating you, which is the oldest abuse tactic in the book.
I’d say “leave him” but I know no one ever takes that sort of advice from random internet people.
No. 183549
>>183473what you've described is emotional abuse and manipulation. you think you're deleting people of your own volition when really, you wouldn't be doing that if it weren't for him arguing with you. he goes through your phone but you don't go through his? that's a clear power imbalance.
I tend to agree with
>>183477 because, in my experience, the guys who are extremely paranoid about their partners cheating are paranoid because they themselves are cheating. therapy doesn't really work for
abusive people either, unless they see that what they're doing is wrong and they want to change.
>>183509 is correct that isolation is an abuse tactic. it's a huge red flag that you don't have any close friends, you've isolated yourself from social media, and you don't drive. this tells me that you rely on him a lot and it will only get worse if you stay with him.
No. 183595
>>183585>Do friendships count as relationships itt?They tend to get discussed more in the general advice thread but they technically fit here so pretty sure it's fine.
>How on earth do you decide what a good friend is?I would say someone who you feel has a positive influence on you and/or whose presence you feel consistently improves the quality of your life. You may just be introverted, like in my case I enjoy having friends but I don't care if I don't see them for several months at a time. I just don't crave a lot of social interaction but knowing we can get in touch if anything especially exciting or negative happens for support is nice, or if there's something that either of us would enjoy more if we did it together. Personally I'm not the type that feels the desire to eat lunch with friends 3x a week and then also watch a movie with them on the weekend and spend all day together doing some activity. I know some people really love that but for me it's just too much and I need space to do things at my own pace. But getting together for like, a concert or visiting a museum together to hear their input or playing a game together, sure. Maybe it's the frequency and type of your interactions that's draining you? Either that or you do just find them boring without anything interesting to add to your life, in which case you shouldn't waste time and energy on those who aren't enjoyable to you.
No. 183602
ok so my partner wants to get married some time, i've never really wanted to, because i've had this idea in my head for the longest that it's beautiful leaving the doors open ie not married but still being together(committedly), because it is confirmation of the love the two share, either one could walk away but they don't because they enjoy each other's company, and you know this for as long as they are together, etc etc hopefully you get the gist.
I've also been thinking about my relpulsion by the thought of being perceived as a "ball and chain". I NEVER want to feel like that, or like i'm holding someone at gun point/hostage, and that puts me off marriage even more so. But then, don't men more times than not have the most to lose in assets/monetarily/material belongings/whatever? Like marriage for them is a gamble, so if they choose to marry you isn't that confirmation of their love and commitment for you? Cheater husbands say otherwise, but then that doesn't explain why these men married those women…. Instead of confirmation, it could maybe mean simply that they think you're a doormat or in the best scenario that they love you the "most" and thought you were worth fucking up and consequently getting divorced and losing money….. I don't know ,,,I'm so conflicted
No. 183603
>>183602My ex proposed to me and I genuinely think it was because of the financial benefits of being with me, because he really started to disrespect me once that ring was on my finger. He even started telling me deal breakers on the wedding, he didn't want to do this and this and this and this and this etc and didn't want an engagement party, i never even spoke of marriage I was 20 years old att. 23 is when I left him. He seemed to hate the entire spectacle of being engaged and a wedding yet I have no idea what possessed him to propose.
If you can discuss with your partner the expectations before it happens I think that would make a lot of sense. I think people should discuss marriage before a random proposal, because I felt blindsided by mine and we were living together and I remember that's what I based my decision on. He took me to a remote place to propose and I was like how fucking awkward would it be to say no and then go back to our house together lol.
I think generally marriage is more beneficial to women, but really it depends on the individual factors and who is the breadwinner etc.
No. 183619
>>183602> don't men have the most to lose in marriage?no. usually women are the ones to lose their names by marrying men. statistically, women are more likely than men to become impoverished after marriage, and women are more likely to lose out on earning capacity because of family responsibilities and unpaid household labour. the costs of taking care of dependents are disproportionately assumed by women. studies have shown that men consistently overestimate their share of domestic work.
some legal scholars have conceptualized husbands and wives as capital assets, and have argued that women are generally less highly values than men in the marriage market following a divorce, and therefore typically suffer larger losses as a result.
No. 183620
>>183603We both currently work, I don't have any benefits, if anything I'm worse off than him. But marriage seems iffy, I don't know if I've had bad examples but the men are horrible and seem to hate being married. I feel I'll get it in my head that he's only with me because he doesn't want me to have his stuff etc and not because he really wants to.
>>183619 oh wow I didn't know that, so many men nowadays are turned off by marriage because of supposed risk involved for them monetarily
>some legal scholars have conceptualized husbands and wives as capital assets, and have argued that women are generally less highly values than men in the marriage market following a divorce, and therefore typically suffer larger losses as a result. Is this saying divorced women are less likely than divorced men to remarry? sorry i'm a dummy lol
No. 183622
>>183620Idk about that study but it seems a bit outdated. Marriage has changed a lot recently even the connotations and people can do prenups and all now. I know a lot of people that have been able to remarry after getting divorced. Honestly why would a divorcee be looked at unfavourable in the dating market compared to say an unmarried single parent? Society isn't as traditional today so I guess you can make marriage what you want.
I think it's nice your boyfriend brought it up and it's open the channels for you two to talk about it and really feel out what it means for your future.
No. 183625
>>183623Ugh sorry to hear it's took a turn. It's not as if a ring guarantees commitment, it's a nice sentiment I guess. I only mentioned prenups because marriage doesn't have to work in the traditional sense that assets get tied up etc if you don't want that. There's even just civil partnerships. Honestly it does just seem very administrative unless you're the type that's been dreaming of a wedding. I've never fantasised about my wedding. I've fantasised about having a husband though, but that's more about just the notion that I'm committed to spending my life with a man and that's when I would agree with you that commitment doesn't have to be a legally binding contract, since they can be voided.
I wish you luck on your future discussions.
No. 183645
>>183473OP here. Thanks for all the words, and sorry for not giving anymore context. it’s been a rough day.
i think knowing that we’ve been dating since we were teenagers, and I’m his first serious girlfriend is kind of worth noting. We were friends before hand as wellI should clarify that I wasn’t necessarily not allowed to talk to co-workers, go on Instagram, etc.. it just got to a point where I had to answer about passing interactions. I just avoided the other guy workers in general to avoid the confrontation altogether. Same goes for friends online, he would just bother me about them for so long that I would delete them to simply “shut him up”, for lack of a better term.
I should also note that him and I have had many emotional conversations about the state of our relationship and how his attitude affects me so I’m just not sure what to think. For example, he would point out that me deleting people due to his influence is
toxic on his end, he says he understands how annoying/ frustrating/ upsetting to be accused constantly.
I have a sneaking suspicion he might struggle with some sort of mood disorder or OCD, and he has mentioned medication or therapy before. Knowing him though I just don’t think he would see it through, I think he’d get cold feet especially going to therapy.
I’ve been through his phone before I guess you could say, but he’s genuinely that type of guy that keeps low social media presence. He doesn’t like other girls pictures, he doesn’t have any gal pals. He himself isn’t very social so I genuinely don’t think it’s a case of projection. It would honestly be easier that way.
I’m just constantly sad because I don’t do anything wrong, I’m really low maintenance, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I feel like I’ve been a really great girlfriend. I don’t understand why I’m being punished for not doing anything wrong.
Any time I try to express how upset these accusations make me, it just turns into “oh you’re offensive so it must be true” if I act nonchalant it’s, “that’s suspicious of you why aren’t you denying it”.
Note: I want to rip my hair out the next time I hear the word “sus”. I hate that he learned that word.
I’m sorry for rambling on and on, I just haven’t talked to anyone about this stuff and I don’t know where to go anymore.
Is he just “empathizing” with me to keep me around his finger and he’s truly a manipulative POS or is he just painfully insecure???
No. 183652
>>183645The first part of
>>183549 is important: What he's doing is emotional abuse. As she said, you wouldn't feel the need to delete people and do all this stuff if it weren't for your partner's constant harassment. Just because he recognizes that it's
toxic and thinks about therapy, doesn't change the fact that he hasn't actually done anything to fix it.
>truly a manipulative POS or is he just painfully insecure???It doesn't have to be one or the other. My ex who emotionally abused me for 3 years also swore up and down that he was crazy in love with me, acknowledged that he was wrong (when he was in a calm and stable enough state), and dealt with a lot of self esteem issues. But while all of that was very insightful, none of it excused what he was doing to me. It doesn't matter if he acknowledges the problem if he doesn't take steps to fix it. Some issues are too big and running on scripts too deep for people to handle alone. You both see what's going on, so now the question is whether you're going to keep enabling him.
I don't mean for this to sound like I'm blaming you because I understand all the emotional entanglement and wanting to believe he'll get better just by thinking about it hard enough, but that isn't how it works. If you told an alcoholic partner to stop drinking and they acknowledge they have a problem and should probably go to AlAnon, but it continues for years… obviously nothing has changed. At some point there have to be repurcussions for people doing bad things, whether that's the partner saying they're going to leave unless they get help or the drunkard running over an innocent person. Don't be the roadkill - you shouldn't have to be collateral damage in
his quest to grow up. Put your foot down and draw boundaries. "This has been a huge issue for over a year and I am at my breaking point. You say you have attempted to curb your behavior but it hasn't stopped, so clearly this is something you need help doing. There is no problem between us, but your damaging beliefs are making it a reality. Set up an appointment with a therapist or I will presume this relationship is over." I know it sucks to have to set ultimatums, but to be frank, you've been asking nicely and it's not working. At this point you either put up with it forever, and you shouldn't have to live that way, or you give him the opportunity to step up. The ball will then be in his court and you see whether you mean enough to him to swallow his pride and accept he needs help, or he decides he wants to take the easy route and lose you.
No. 183718
>>183679You got me, I’m the 21 y/o zoomer lol he’s 25 (is that genz?). I NEVER say “sus” irl that’s just how I personally abbreviate it and I thought everyone did too? It’s not that deep anyways and it’s not like he wants to get married tomorrow.
>>183667Yes but he knows I’m not just used it to get me to see it from his perspective. I get what he means, basically like an unfaithful person he just talks very crudely. Tbh when I word it like that it just sounds like he was trying to guilt trip me or whatever
No. 183721
>>183645Sounds too familiar.
I've considered these to be emotional abuse from fear of abandonment and tangled some trauma based narc male/entitlement.
When there's no explanation and you literally can't do anything different to avoid his rage and paranoia.
It's abuse. Subtle. Hard to call out. When I've called his behaviour emotionally
abusive and then '
abusive' became his favourite word to describe me standing up for myself.
It's been 8+ years.
This guy won't change.
All the best to you - you don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you. No matter how much you love him.
No. 183734
>>183718I'll say it again, a man who casually refers to women (even unfaithful ones) as whores is not a good man. It reflects an extremely sexist outlook. Has he ever called a man a whore? Somehow I doubt it. You've been pondering why marriage is so important to him for a few posts but he already told you directly. There's a saying: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He is expressing that the reason he wants to get married is because he feels like you'll eventually cheat on him otherwise and wants to tie you down. His concept of marriage is rooted in the idea of ownership, not mutual partnership. This is likely to get worse once he's actually married you. You're treating this very lightly and making excuses for him, but imo you aren't taking it seriously enough. You are also very young. Statistically speaking it's extremely unlikely this relationship will last. Don't trap yourself in a relationship with this man until you've actually had some time to live and determine what you want for yourself. If you aren't yet interested in leaving him for the gross attitude, at least say you want to wait 4+ years to take the next step.
This is coming from someone who got married at 20 and ignored older women saying I should probably wait. Divorce isn't quite as easy as people are making it out to be and I would've loved to avoid it entirely. I really, really hope you will give yourself time to get to know yourself better and explore other people who aren't misogynists.
No. 183740
>>183545>>183544I’m a woman with two male partners. I’ve been with one for five years and the other for three years. They’re both straight so they’re not romantically/sexually involved with each other, but they’re close like family/bros. They’re both supportive of my relationship with both of them, and they’re supportive to each other as well. (Which is very much needed because I forget if I mentioned in my original post that one has a serious illness and sometimes needs lots of support through difficult times like surgery, chemo, etc.)
We are very happy as a little household/family whatever you’d call it. No issues from within the relationship, it’s purely just my extreme discomfort with the whole “libfem redditor poly community” type of culture. It’s not like I’m going to dump either of them to avoid being seen as a person like that but it still makes me cringe into infinity to ever talk about this stuff with anyone, because I really don’t want to come off as one of those types.
>>183527Yeah, that pretty much makes sense.
>>183551I honestly don’t know and that’s the part that is an issue for me. I mean yeah I suppose we can just keep doing what we are doing, where we don’t tell anyone the situation. It’s not like we go out of our way to hide it. The two of us that have been together longer have definitely been questioned about why we have “such a close friend” who seems to spend an unusual amount of time together with us, and our stock response is “he’s like family to us!!” …I’m sure some of our friends and family have figured it out if they’re not stupid, but I guess they understand it’s not something we all want to talk about.
>>183554It’s nice to know there are other successful case studies. However I’m not sure how I feel about involving kids in a situation like that. If any of us planned to have kids we would probably not have been okay with this relationship format. But two of us can’t have kids (and don’t want any) while the other just doesn’t want any, so it isn’t an issue for us.
No. 183778
Hi, anons. I feel really frustrated and I don't know how to deal with my feelings so I am looking for some advice. My boyfriend is majorly against the porn industry, only fans, all that jazz. He genuinely is, I believe - he talks badly of it without being promoted while not being disrespectful of women, and it seems to be something he wishes were far different. My difficulty is that he says he tries not to watch porn (we don't live together, I go over each weekend and stay for about 3 days), and I'll accidentally find evidence of it. I feel so upset internally when this happens and my BPD brain always feels like it's something personal against me, or like he did that on purpose against the fact he says he doesn't watch porn. We talked about it last weekend and he says he is ashamed of the times he does look at porn (it's instathots and amateur stuff, and no he doesn't follow any or save their posts, but clearly he knows of them) and that it's not like he's dying to look at it. He's tried explaining to me he can't masturbate without visual stimuli, and that's hard for me to understand not only because I imagine everything in detail, but also because it's almost always of him and me. I just feel sick to my stomach.
How do I reconcile it's possible to look at other women (for porn) without it being a decisive assault on our relationship? A mistake? I feel like I could maybe deal with it better if he weren't so vocal about his hate of porn culture. He says that's in part why he hates it so much - he feels ashamed of his shortcomings. He appears very sincere. I guess I am thinking of it like smoking - I struggle with smoking, it's irritating to others, it's not good for myself, sometimes I can quit for weeks, but then I'm back at it. But it's not like it involves anyone. My boyfriend is (per usual, lol) fine in all other areas.
I feel like no matter how I try to think about it, I can't make myself feel okay. I feel hideous. I get he isn't jerking off every 10 minutes when I'm gone, and who knows how often it happens anyway, but it just skeeves me, especially since he has my nudes. Like I'd rather have him just look at whoever since apparently he can't stop it instead of pretend he can survive off my nudes.
No. 183783
>>183778It's definitely a complicated situation; fist of all because he lies to you. I guess we can assume he lies out of shame, but it's still a lie and it's 100% understandable you would feel bad about that. You say you've talked about it already; did you make it very clear how it makes you feel that he watches porn? That it's not just "you're a hypocrite" thing but it also hits your self esteem very hard and basically choosing to watch porn he chooses his desire to jerk off over your mental well being (aside his own alleged morals).
Something I personally don't understand is that someone would need a visual stimuli to masturbate. Yeah it's nice to have sometimes but of you can't get turned on without visual stimuli, just… don't masturbate? It's not obligatory and clearly you don't actually need it that much if the arousal is not there at all and has to be invoked with videos or images, I don't know. Is there any anon who would only be able to masturbate with visuals who could maybe share her point of view here?
No. 183785
>>183778>he says he tries not to watch porn>he says he doesn't watch pornSo which one is it? Does he straight up lie to you about watching it or is he transparant that he tries not to watch it but fails at it?
If he genuinely agrees that porn is bad and if he genuinely feels shameful about his habit and cares that it makes you feel bad then he'll have no problems if you propose to him that he needs put in active work to eliminate porn from his life. Maybe you can propose to work on it together, like he can text or call you when he feels the urge to watch porn or whatever. If he doesn't agree trying to actively work towards eliminating his porn watching habits then maybe you should re-evaluate how sincere he really is.
No. 183786
>>183778I somehwat see his side as I have my own porn habits and I feel like orgasming in the absence of it is difficult, but then I don't lie about it to partners or make false promises. I'm honest that I watch amateur stuff and I'd leave someone early on before I'd ever get into just lying my way through a relationship. If he's just lying about it and that becomes a cycle you're expected to accept.. you're within your right to be upset. His solution seems to be to deny reality. That's going to eat away at your trust. This is the man who is meant to also be faithful to you in general..and he lies regularly because his sexual needs come above honesty..
He's not on the same level of anti-porn thinking as you clearly. Actions speak much louder. I think given that you struggle with bpd this is setting you up for a wild ride of emotions. How long are you together and how soon did the porn convo happen?
Maybe make it clear to him that the lie in itself is more unforgiveable than the slip up. You finding evidence rather than him admitting it..is where this gets real sketchy. Maybe there's some subtype of porn that is the least offensive to you and that can be a compromise of sorts? But lying to you is only going to create issues down the line, outside of porn too.
No. 183788
>>183778>He's tried explaining to me he can't masturbate without visual stimuli, and that's hard for me to understand not only because I imagine everything in detail, but also because it's almost always of him and me.Exactly, his excuse is bullshit and plenty of people (primarily women) manage to get off without any visual stimuli except what's in their mind. And if he does want visual stimuli, he has you or images of you. His regular albeit intermittent use of porn is an addiction despite any distaste for it, just like your regular yet intermittent smoking is. Yet as you said, your smoking doesn't really affect anyone except you while his porn use is contributing not only to the problem of the overall industry but damaging your relationship. You are perfectly within your rights to request that he stop using it since it makes you uncomfortable, and if he's as gung-ho about quitting as he professes to be, then he should be actively trying to eliminate it as well (blocking sites, seeing a therapist, reading reference material on how to stop). Right now it seems his extreme efforts to protest porn are a means of trying to make up for his problem, but verbal outcry isn't enough; concrete steps taken to stop could be, but it seems he isn't doing that.
No. 183789
>>183734yes he has anon! but only "manwhore"….. which sounds a little
problematic but I know he's not sexist or a misogynist. And even if he was a little bit I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization. Also like I said he didn't bring it up because he wants to marry soon, just as something he'll expect down the road. He knows I want to graduate first
No. 183790
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>>183789>And even if he was a little bit [sexist/misogynistic] I find it hard to blame him for his inevitable socialization. Let's pray no lurking scrotes read this post and start using "I was socialized this way" to carry out misogyny.
No. 183796
>>183785First he said he doesn't watch porn. After I found evidence, he says he tries not to watch porn. I think he has read stuff on how to stop because he mentioned texting, but we both agreed how awkward that would be (in hindsight, I should have taken that up, as difficult as it would have been for me). When I think about it like you're phrasing it, I do see what you mean. He once simply said some mean stuff to me when drunk, then he quit drinking, like for real. But he isn't doing the same thing with porn when tbh I think porn hurt more than what precipitated him quitting drinking.
>>183786I really wish he wouldn't make false promises. It seems to me it wasn't an intentional breakage of a statement, but he wanted to think of himself as above it. I feel lame for even being grateful last weekend he was just being honest. I'm very weak when it comes to the topic of porn, I have trouble putting my foot down.
>>183788You make good points. Thank you for your perspective. Like I said before, you're all reminding me of how he quit drinking just like that even though he used to drink fairly often. So it's different for porn, though.
I need to figure out how to talk about this. I suck at speaking about this topic. I have a lot of
triggers that can easily set me off and it's hard for me since my ex was a literally pornsick rapist. I've been with this bf for about 2 years and he's pretty different in every way, and so this issue affecting me makes me feel guilty because I've suffered worse.
I also told him to delete my nudes just now over text and he said he would. I didn't say why, I knew it'd make me spiral through text. I suspect he has an idea why, but who knows with scrotes.
No. 183891
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My long term boyfriend and I are long distance and a few days ago he received news that he has to move out of where he's currently staying by the end of this month. I'd take him in but unfortunately we're international and broke and Coronavirus just isn't going to let that happen.
Anyway, he found someone he can team up with to find an apartment and they can be roommates and split the rent, the thing is that this person is biologically female and although they don't identify as or go by female pronouns the idea of him sharing a living space with another biological female that isn't either me or a family member is really getting to me. They both do freelance work so they'd be around each other all the time and he's said that they have a lot of common interests and they sound like someone his friends would get along with too and I'm feeling really jealous. I can't/won't do anything about it though because I'd still rather he have another femoid as a roommate than be homeless.
I guess I'm not so much looking for advice but more-so just trying to see if I'm weird for feeling this way? It's not that I don't trust him I'm just afraid of being left out or forgotten about and neighbors potentially thinking they're a couple.
No. 183898
>>183891I’m sorry to be negative, anon, but yes, you should be worried. Non-binaries are fucking weird about sex and she will almost definitely try to pull some shit for validation. And they can get away with it too since you’ll have no way of knowing.
Do you mind my asking what are you even getting out of a LDR where you can’t visit or make plans to move in together? Is it just going to be indefinitely long distance or do you have some sort of longterm goal in being together?
No. 183905
>>183896Him having to move out was very sudden and he's had very little time to prepare, otherwise he's been waiting for his (male) friend to get some stuff he needed to do out of the way before they found a place. It's also not like he was deliberately looking for someone with a vag, he actually didn't know until I brought it up to him. I'd kinda feel bad if he cut this person off just because I feel jealous. They also need a place with the same criteria.
>>183898I mean, I could just be coping but after posting I realized that she could just be into women too. I know my bf well enough to know that it's not him I should be weary of in this situation, so if she's just into women and other eNbYs then it could be okay.
I don't mind, we've been trying to come up with a solid plan to meet but shit has just kept getting in the way. It was insufficient funds for a while on both ends but once he started getting paid a decent wage 'rona hit. He's also been in need of someone reliable enough to watch his pets while he's gone if he were to come visit.
Anyway, yeah, we do plan on eventually moving in together somewhere once I get my own shit together and coronavirus finally fucks off.
No. 183934
>>183912>>183924He lives over a corner shop and ran downstairs to buy snacks and left his phone behind, and I had previously noticed his unlock pattern is just an "S". I couldn't resist a quick look.
BTW just thinking about it now, very glad I didn't find any porn at all.
>>183930I never got this. Why is it alarming? I just want to know who he is. I don't mean any harm. I didn't actually read his convos so it's not like I invaded his privacy. I just know he's not talking to other girls currently and that he seemingly only talks to one guy who might be his brother.
If he was a friend of a friend, I could just ask my friends to know the same public info, but he's a coworker so I couldn't do that.
No. 183941
>>183934I'm split between
>>183939 and giving you a pass because as a woman you can never be too careful around men.
No. 183947
>>183790Any man that says this is self aware enough, I say it because I
know his word choices (like using man-whore) are unconscious.
>>183880It's different when it's an adult man though imo, alot more difficult when they've already been raised that way. You're right anyways anon, I should've called him out, but we weren't very close back when he used that word.
No. 183951
>>183949similar because i was using it as an excuse the same way "boys will be boys" is used as an excuse to not expect any better.
gosh anons would it be weird to call him out now for something he said so long ago he may not even remember anymore?
No. 184004
File: 1620335860640.jpg (19.19 KB, 500x321, tumblr_inline_nfvr4r20mv1qcu5z…)
I've had a boyfriend for nearing two years now and I feel like I've outgrown him. I met him during an extremely hard time in my life and he was able to be there for me. It was very nice he was there to cheer me up, but i realized he was only there for me so much because he has nothing else to do. as my life evolves and grows, and as I learn and change, he has stayed stagnant, and it's been so apparent that I can't delude myself into ignoring it anymore. The worst part is that he considers himself "dominant" and likes to think of himself as a provider, but that's just this idealized image of himself he's created. It's fictitious. He asks me to pay half of the shipping on sexy outfits only he will ever see. It's childish. He so frequently needs comfort from me but is obsessed with this fantasy that he's a Prince Charming style hero swooping in to help me. In reality, it's all him seeking validation from me. I hate pretending he's a big strong man who is helping me because he's not. It's like when you allow a child to hold a wooden spoon in a kitchen to make them feel like they're helping. I can't do it anymore. He's a grown man. And it makes me sad, because we see eye to eye ideologically for the most part, but he engages in a lot of performative overzealous feminism online (mostly as penance for being edgy online in his youth) that really annoys me. He also loves to differentiate himself from other pornsick men. He thinks he's different, but he's got brainrot from reading too many doujins, and any progressive bullshit he spouts means little to me because he raped me while I was on an empathogen. We were on something literally know to make you empathetic and he still thought it was okay to guilt me into sex. I keep trying to rationalize. He's funny, we have a similar sense of humor, have shared good memories. His parents like me. It'd be so easy to relent and ignore it but he's a spoiled manchild who I've outgrown. I see him as a needy child now. Not sexy at all.
Also I'm almost positive I'm a lesbian and am going through something horrible psychologically.
Thank you for listening.
No. 184108
>>184004I don’t mean this disrespectfully anon but holy fuck that post went in directions I didn’t expect. You start of so lukewarm saying you think you’ve outgrown him, then by the end you add that he
raped you and that you’re pretty sure
you’re a lesbian. That was kind of a rollercoaster, but not in the fun way. I know it’s cliche to say, but “my heart hurts for you” reading this. Whatever conclusion you ultimately come to about your own sexuality, I hope you are safe and far, far away from this man. I’d be saying that if it was just that he was mediocre and you outgrew him, but guilting you into sex while on drugs? That is a whole other level. If you have women’s resource center in your area or something, it might help to go to them just for some space and someone to talk to. Just visiting the one at my college and talking to some advocates there really helped me get my head back on when I was all confused after I was in an unhealthy mindfucky relationship.
No. 184120
>>184004Just like other anon I wasn't expecting that to go down the way it did. Even what you say in the beginning is enough to warrant moving on. It's perfectly
valid in itself to just feel like you've outgrown a relationship. Add on the other stuff and well that should remove any doubts that you need to bite the bullet.
I won't make out like you're crazy for staying this long because I've been coerced into sex acts and I rationalized staying after that. The longer you're with him the longer you have this BS presence in your life. The guy obviously isn't walking around with a guilty conscience and it's likely he'll never recognize what he did to you. Your feelings around your sexuality now might be a reaction to that (or might not) but getting away from this guy will give you the space to see all this for what it really was and to process it. It sounds like you're already waking up to some harsh truths.
No. 184137
File: 1620397055460.jpg (58.34 KB, 500x621, realizashun.jpg)
Thanks for the replies.
>>184108I have a major tendency to downplay stuff because I'm pretty sure that if I didn't, I'd have snapped by now. Self delusion is a powerful thing, huh? I am very far, as it is a long distance relationship, which should make a "cut and run" situation easier, but it doesn't. I think the biggest problem is that he was there for me when my life at really one of its lowest lows, and we do see eye to eye on interests. My brain keeps saying "well, he did this, right? So it can't be that bad." Even now, I'm backspacing over and over because I keep trying to justify why he did what he did on molly which was and is unacceptable. I think I'm going through something mentally.
>>184120It astounds me that he isn't feeling guilty about it. It hangs over my head and taints every single thing he does, and he doesn't even notice. He assumes, "Ah, anon-chan is feeling depressed. I wonder if it's her mental illness or perhaps PMS." No, it's what he DID and how he treats me. I do feel crazy for staying, but I'm terrified about losing the stability even though the stability is theoretical because he doesn't actually make me feel stable. Also, regarding my sexuality, I never dated men before a really big horrible event that happened to me, so I genuinely think I was having some sort of phase. I think I just really really desperately need stability and was seeking it out in the wrong places and still am by continuing to date him.
You all helped a lot though. Drafting up a breakup letter. It isn't worth the anxiety and sickness I feel for a stability I hope will one day arrive. I guess I never really thought about it as connected, but last time he visited, I got so nervous that I puked because I was nervous about sex. Hindsight is 20/20.
No. 184390
>>184387Thanks anon. Do you think it's something I should keep quiet about though?
>>184386Sure if you're willing to pay the rent kekw
No. 184426
File: 1620577270987.png (30.77 KB, 651x326, kirbys.png)
>>184402Yeah you won't get those years back or make it "worth it" by staying with a cheater, all you can hope to accomplish is wasting even more time. He's clearly capable and willing to lie to your face and doesn't give a shit about you, so what is there even to work through here?
You learned a lot, it's time for a fresh start anon
No. 184509
File: 1620606715224.jpg (180.95 KB, 2208x1839, 392338747309.jpg)
lmao so i'm in the middle of splitting with my ex husband, staying with a friend while i figure stuff out. he wanted to stay at our old place but got fired and now can't afford rent. starting texting me about how he misses me and needs help and feels like a "broken person" without me.
i'm a charitable soul so i offered to help him out a bit, directed him to apply for unemployment and did his taxes for him but now he's messaging me about how he can't do this and wants to kill himself.
i wanna block him but i feel like i should keep communication so we can have an amicable divorce. we're already legally separated.
also he was dating a high school senior (he's 31) until she found out he's jobless and broke now.
No. 184510
>>184509just let him kill himself
(really though, it'll just be harder for you and him if you keep coddling him)
No. 184514
>>184511yeah he likely won't, he's just depressed because he had a major life change
so did you, and you should embrace it, but realize you're falling in to old patterns by doing all these things for him…
you split up for a reason, right?
No. 184532
File: 1620615891562.png (1.23 MB, 1075x1200, 1586140036075.png)
>>184514>>184515yeah, you're both right. i left him because he's an underdeveloped sperg who has no basic life skills and he hasn't changed, so idk why i'm still here. (for the record, i as also an underdeveloped sperg when we got together 8 years ago. i have changed, he has not and doesn't want to.)
>>184517hahaha thanks anon
>>184518unless he has money stowed away, which is unlikely, i'm not gonna get much but half of our shared rrsp.
No. 184593
>>184587Take a break or break up. Do you consider yourself to be in a relationship right now? If he gets better, could you let go all of the grudges that you hold against him? Can he even get better in a time frame that won't destroy you?
But you need to think about yourself right now because he definitely isn't. You can't stay with him as he is right now. If he makes that dedicated effort to get better and start treating you as a human being, and he wants you back, he can find you and then you can decide. How are meant to support him otherwise apart from being a fleshlight that he ignores? You really need to check your situation because trauma doesn't give permission to inflict trauma on another person.
No. 184603
>>184593This kinda happened already. I set an ultimatum that he needs to go to therapy or I'll leave because his mental health became too burdensome for me. I was so happy when he agreed to go. Now he's been in therapy for a few months. I saw big improvements in the beginning but the past month he's his usual depressed self. I know that overcoming trauma and depression is a rocky ride and I try to have patience.
But yeah today is a bad one. Yesterday he was drunk and horny. Today he's moody and irritable. I just asked him "hey can we talk a bit after work" to which he responded "maybe later.." in a very passive aggressive way. When I asked if he's feeling okay and when would be a good time to talk, he lashed out saying "MAYBE LATER! IM BUSY CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!" breaks my heart tbh. He's busy watching YouTube in bed and makes me feel awful for trying to have a conversation. This is also why I don't wanna fuck him when he's drunk - he's not the same person when we wakes up. He changes from happy and horny to grumpy and unpleasant overnight.
Anyhow sorry for the venting. I've considered a break from him as well. Will see if I manage to have a talk with him later..
No. 184604
>>184602He said the therapy went well when they focused on talking about "what to do when you feel shit". I also noted improvements from it.
Lately they have talked about WHY he's feeling shit - as in discussing the trauma behind his behaviours. Since this became the topic of conversation I've noted his mental health decline. He seems to get so
triggered from it that he's down 24/7. I told him to tell his therapist how it makes him feel so they can find a better way to tackle it but I'm not sure what the latest news are. He doesn't go into great details of what they talk about.
I'm not sure if this is normal? I've been to therapy myself and talked through lots of trauma but still felt OK the days after my appointment?
No. 184606
>>184603Anon this really isn't about him anymore. It's about how you're feeling and how you're coping with everything. At it stands that man has no business being in a relationship that he's unable to contribute emotionally to - there is a point where I can say 'stay if you love him and want to support him' but there is a limit to that - but treating you as a sexual object with no remorse and does it repeatedly, that's crossing the line from supportive to being a clown. Love and support isn't unconditional, it needs a molecule of respect and hope.
I understand the need to stay by someone's side when they're going through a rough patch but you should remember that saving someone from drowning isn't letting them pull you down with them. You're not his mother or social worker, you're his girlfriend. If he can't understand that then I really think it's time for a break - for you to stop being hurt and him to heal without the expectations of others
No. 184620
>>184603Anon I really feel for you.
From what you're describing it sounds like it would be better to leave him. Or take a break, maybe he'd learn to appreciate you a bit more but who knows.
Relationship should make you happier and make your life better or there's no point being in one.
Was he significantly better person before the trauma? How long are you dating? Remember that sometimes people are better in the beginning and even if he wasn't depressed, there's a chance he wouldn't be much better.
I wish you'd find someone who will actually make you happy and care for you properly.
No. 184655
>>184635>he'll mention from time to time how he thinks he'll never be able to find a girl and that he missed any chance of thatWhiny sadboi shit is a huge red flag. He's hoping you pity him enough to fuck him instead of trying to be someone worth your time. Don't take the bait.
>>184652He doesn't care about you as much as you think he does, but chances are you'll probably vehemently deny it, make excuses for him, and waste years of your life dating some lukewarm loser.
>he's such a great guy otherwiseHe's not, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You know something is wrong with him.
No. 184656
>>184643I try to flirt with him and he flirts back, or at least i think thats whats happening? Im aspie so i guess that makes it more confusing. But he has referred to me as cute and acts sweet. He just will act like how i mentioned every once in a while and i have no idea what he means by it!!
>>184647Tinder is for normies who want to hook up so no thanks
>>184655Hm, ok thanks. That could be it. I like him regardless of this red flag so idk if its much of a concern if thats only what his intention is by saying this stuff
No. 184665
>>184655>You know something is wrong with him.There's something wrong with everyone. I need to get married before I get wrinkles, so rather than turning down someone for pointy elbows I wanted to see if I could understand what is going on here. I went on first dates with about 50 guys before I found this one I liked enough to keep for a while, I don't want to discard him if it's just a minor issue.
I'm so sick of trying to date. If this doesn't work out I'll just go be a slumlord in a low COL area and raise sheep. By the statistics something like 30% of the population has a legitimate diagnosed and medicated mental issue. There literally is something wrong with EVERYONE. So yes, you're right.
No. 184717
>>184665>there's something wrong with everyoneAlright, but plenty of people have issues that don't involve disrespecting you.
>I went on first dates with about 50 guys before I found this one I liked enough to keep for a while, I don't want to discard him if it's just a minor issue.That's like saying this random piece of trash you found is shinier than the others, therefore it's good. It's still trash, sis.
No. 184721
>>184652>chronically late, doesn't always reply to texts>hangs out with friends friday night, on his phone constantly>not sure if meds can cause this behaviorKek, clearly he's capable of making an effort to communicate with others, he just doesn't want to for you.
>30% of the population has a legitimate diagnosed and medicated mental issue Yeah and 67% of men cheat on their partners and 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. You like how things are looking with
this lazy, noncommitable sadsack on top of those odds?
>>184670This.
No. 184729
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now, and at the very beginning of our relationship we had a lot of issues. He had just moved to my city for a job, we met on an app, and his only friends were some coworkers. Things at the beginning were rough, we fought quite a lot for a new couple and were very on/off. We spent a couple months apart and got back together, and have been doing better than ever. No issues or fights. The other day, I went through his phone (with his permission) just out of curiosity. I found texts from back when we were having issues where he was going into detail about our issues with his friends. He was also telling them very very personal issues in my life that I only shared with him in confidentiality. Back when we got back together, I knew he wanted to keep our relationship on the down low because he told his friends we broke up, but when I asked him how much detail he told them he said none. Now I'm finding out they know a lot about my past and childhood traumas, mental health issues, and so on.
Am I in the wrong for feeling upset about this? 1. I wish he had just been honest with me. 2. They're his main friends here and now I don't feel comfortable going and hanging out in a group with them when I know these strangers know such personal things about my life.
On a side note, while we were getting back together he was also being shady with one of his female friend/coworkers and lied to me about it, I found out, and he apologized and swore nothing was going on and I do believe him but being lied to was what really bothered me.
I don't want to ask him to cut them off since they're his only friends here, but I'm not sure how to go about handling this.
No. 184743
File: 1620680662687.png (83.8 KB, 214x251, 574839574037032754235.png)
>>184728I hope she leaves him but I'm still dying
No. 184789
>>184727Oh yeah, such a great guy that you feel hesitant to express your very
valid concerns to him. Scared to ruin your NLOG cool girl image.
No. 184846
>>184830The bar is already in hell for men. The ones who don’t get girls are literally scum tier.
Also the basics of a healthy relationship are
1. Honesty
2. Healthy boundaries and expectations
3. Open communication
No. 184875
>>184830I hope you reconsider this guy,
nonnie. If dating is so difficult for guys, wouldn’t he be making sure he was on time to see you and replying to your texts with some degree of urgency? It’s a lot more likely he and his friends are permasingle because they aren’t great people, not because the dating world is just too unfair for guys. Someone who is always leaving you hanging like that is showing that they don’t respect you or your time.
No. 184881
>>184830>it's extremely hard to get a date as a guyBullshit. But even if it's true then like
>>184875 said he'd be putting in his best effort to "keep" you. Which he clearly isn't doing when he isn't doing something as basic and simple as being on time when he's meeting you and doesn't text back when he's on his phone all day. I'm not going to be one of the anons telling you to break up with him but surely you see there's something not adding up in the logic here, right?
No. 184939
There's this one thing that bothers me, but I don't really know how to discuss it with my boyfriend. We've been together for a few years now, and I tried to explain this one thing before and failed, because I find it hard to put it into words + quite often I don't even fully realize I'm being uncomfortable with something, let alone naming it and explaining the nature of these feelings.
So the thing is, it's like he doesn't really understand when it's "appropriate" to passionately kiss or touch me. But I can't explain it either. He asked me WHEN he could do it, and I don't know what to say. I just think it has to be obvious, by the way a person responds, their body language, what they "say" with their eyes etc., context. And it's weird to me that he doesn't see it. It's like he thinks that if you're together, as a couple, and you already had sex and so on, then it must mean that you get a right to touch your partner whenever you want and they'll always be happy about it. Or that they get instantly in a mood if you touch their nipples or show them your naked body.
His sex drive is way higher than mine, so maybe that's the reason he doesn't get it. Like, HE would be happy to be touched in a sexual way any second of a day. His sex drive is also the reason why I feel guilty of rejecting him or not wanting even to make out sometimes. That's why quite often I just let him touch or kiss me when I'm not in a mood, and I realize now that it's kind of fucked up. But then again… if I try to explain it once more, I doubt he'll understand me. Most probably he would want some detailed guide which I can't provide to him. And I'll be like some prudish touch-me-not which expects her partner to have psychic abilities.
Idk, it makes me feel weird sometimes, I start wondering if I'm broken in some way and if there's something wrong with my boundaries. I don't even know how it's in the other couples, like what is "normal". And I feel like it repels me from my partner and sex in general.
No. 184941
>>184939Sounds like a typical mismatch in libido and physical affection needs. There's nothing you can do, you can't force yourself to be more affectionate and it's also difficult for him to 'hold back'. You'll have to find a compromise - if he wants to hug, hold hands, cuddle a bit while you're cooking maybe allow that but draw the line at anything sexual.
You can't be mad at him not getting your body language because some people really don't understand it, but a detailed guide is also an understandable turn off. If you scroll up there are plenty of nonnys who wish their bf were more affectionate, so every relationship will have it's challenges.
It may be worth sitting down and having a heart to heart about this, hear his side of things and then explain yours without making assumptions about how each other feel. Have you told him everything you wrote in this post?
No. 185167
>>185157He has exclusively been with men. he has had 2 serious boyfriends (3+ year relationships), more hookups… he also comes across as extremely gay! His youtube was based on his drag and a bunch of skits. Nobody would mistake him for a straight guy.
We have mutual IRL friends who were shocked when I told them he said he had a crush on me. They thought he might be lonely because of the pandemic and it was a desperation thing after being burned by men so many times. He has yet to hook up with one girl. He tried kissing one once, but it was in a three way with her boyfriend.
I know
>>185004 is saying I like the attention, but I think it's actually the other way around. And like
>>185142 said I already told him that a relationship isn't on the table. He agreed. He's been a good friend I guess I was just hoping he would snap out of it and be more supportive.
No. 185290
>>185260well anon, it's okay to have a higher sex drive but how you handle rejection is important.
I didn't stop annoying my bf until I learned how to masturbate correctly, lol. Treat yourself to nice sex toys, put on porn if you want, and learn how to please yourself just as good
No. 185307
>>185298>>185305Pestering you for nudes is sexual harrassment. Period. Break up with him. I let him my bf pressure me into sending him nudes when I was underage and it's a mistake I will always regret. If I see him ever again I'm going to deck him in the face.
There's just nothing positive that will come from sending nudes to moids. It's inherently high risk and low reward.
No. 185320
>>185298my last boyfriend took a ton of videos and photos of me for his personal use and enjoyed them. my current one took one video so far and seems to want more.
if he asked for them he probably wanted them. aren't you overthinking it? moids will fap to anything. and moids love fapping to women they know IRL, which is something onlyfans is supposed to mimick. i guess scrotes think since they paid the girl she's now "practically his gf" or some shit. point is i can't imagine he isn't jacking off to your pics, so mission accomplished. better to your pics than some random professional pornography if he's going to rub the rat.
No. 185388
File: 1620895135374.jpg (143.09 KB, 700x626, angrey.jpg)
A memory finally completely processed in my head, if that makes sense. My bf and I went on a date a month ago and for some reason he goes, Let's stand over here for a bit. And I just realized there was a girl with a huge ass not too far from us, but he was showing me stuff on his phone so I didn't think much of it. He would look up every now and then but my dumbass was too busy being nosy about his phone… it didn't click till now that he was looking at her. Nonnies, I want to kill him especially after I already left him for masturbating to and staring at irl women, but took him back because he wouldn't shut the fuck up about being depressed. They really never change. So should I bring it up or do I let it go…? I'm so pissed for being this dumb.
No. 185394
>>185390I have no comment on your relationship specifically, I think an 8 year difference is very borderline. But I do agree with her statements about how men in general. Don't forget men
always benefit more from marriage than women because most women function as a replacement mom who also provides companionship and sex, whether they realize it or not.
No. 185400
>>185390She's right tbh but since your age gap isn't THAT big and she's waited this long to say anything, it's hard to imagine what her motive is. Would she have any reason to think he's treating you bad? Or is it possible she just dislikes him in general?
Or maybe she's just been recently pink pilled and can't refrain from sperging now she's seen the light. I feel the same urge because age gap relationships reinforce the scrot delusion that they are too good for women their own age.
No. 185420
>>185402I'm sorry this happened to you
nonny but you can't stay with him anymore. This is not healthy and you deserve much more respect, and a better man than someone who bitches behind your back, has 0 emotional control, and alienates you. You sound like a gentle person and he's trampling over you. Yelling at you into a panic attack while knowing exactly what he's doing is
abusive.
Break up and grit your teeth through the 5 months remaining, stay room mates and grit your teeth while you're forced to and move out asap. If he tries begging you for another chance, ignore him. I know it's so hard to cohabitate with an ex, especially during covid, but unless you two get couple counselling I don't think anything less than a miraculous recovery on his end would save things.
No. 185424
>>185390Congrats on your engagement, anon! My bf and I are the same ages, and my (still together) parents have the same age gap, so I think as long as age isn't a big issue life-stage wise and isn't fetishized in your relationship, you shouldn't have a reason to doubt yourself.
I agree that she has an ulterior motive, maybe she's jelly as fuck bc she's got a crush on him, maybe she's having trouble with her own relationship and projected, etc. Whatever it is, she should have brought up her disagreement with your relationship any time in the past
four years holy fuck. Since she "threw a fit" instead of gently voicing her opposition to you like a real friend, I think this is more of a her problem than anything else. I wouldn't salvage this friendship, personally.
No. 185430
>>185390When I was 27 I entered into a (in retrospect) pretty fucked relationship with a guy 12 years my senior. I think some people in their mid to late twenties can be stunted by mental health shit or trauma, which makes the gap even worse and adds on another layer of vulnerability. Those are things to look out for when judging it.
In my case I do wish someone had sat my 27/28 year old ass down and voiced concern at the age gap. But in a personal way, not some rant about pickmeism. If someone sat me down and asked questions about our relationship dynamic that might've opened my eyes and saved me a few years.
No. 185469
>>185424>she should have brought up her disagreement with your relationship any time in the past four years holy fuckYou do realize that sometimes people come to new believes and realizations later in life..? Especially considering the believes regarding men that her friend has aren't traditionally taught to girls and women at all?
Anyway there's no reason to suspect ulterior motive if nothing has happened (having shown jealousy in the past or whatever) that could reasonably lead to that suspicion. Suspecting ulterior motive without good reason is basically showing you can't deal with an alternative view/believe on your personal situation that is hard to face and you're using "ulterior motive!!" as a cope. I'm not even agreeing or disagreeing with her friend but it's just sad and wrong to write it off as an ulterior motive for no reason.
No. 185621
>>185617True or maybe he’s obvlious. I’ll stick around for a bit more before moving on, can’t help my own simpiness.
I’ve never tried e-dating and it probably is a waste of time but I guess quarantine has been so draining on me I find any online company to be good enough for now.
No. 185733
>>185390I agree with her.
>>185513no, your request was reasonable. asking someone to help you move is understandable. asking them to literally pack their shit for them is crazy.
>>185628i wish porn was illegal, why is every scrote addicted to it?
No. 185743
File: 1621067520178.png (71.69 KB, 1280x544, AAAABdUpvgXJTRLbVppyUZYCWPBIle…)
>>185607>>185611>>185615>>185621He's not 'oblivious', you are just grasping at straws to avoid accepting the rejection
No. 185765
>>185507From one tist to another… how the hell are you coping with shit like cleaning up a grown mans puke? I know autism affects people differently but I found in past relationships that heavy drinkers are a big no-go for me. I can't deal with the unpredictability of drunks. I certainly couldn't play baby sitter or clean up bodily fluids. That's the last thing an autistic partner should have put upon them.
Mess, unpredictability and having to be the respnsible one.. you'll likely have a breakdown if you stick with him.
No. 185816
>>185743>>185673>>185621>>185694In the end, I told him how I felt because it was just wearing me out. He feels the same way and is also interested in me; we've decided to get to know each other better and keep chatting while keeping things casual.
I know anons are pretty pessimistic about the prospect of e-dating, and while I am too, I don't want to think too heavily into it and just want to enjoy my time with him for now!
No. 185946
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, I love him but he hurts me a lot. We have so much in common but he is older and lives an isolated life. I feel like I've become a hermit too since going out with him.
We have the same argument, it always circles around and is never resolved and only forgotten about. Whenever I do something without him, like catching up with old friends, anything that doesn't directly include him, he finds something about it that has wronged him in some way and will bombard me, telling me how much I've hurt him and then he gets even more upset when I tell him I feel he's being unfair because he says thats me not caring about his feelings. I do care about his feelings and have often put his in front of mine, which has resulted in me living increasingly isolated.
This same conflict goes on for hours and hours, he's starts off by being aggressive and will always try to outsmart me and talk me into holes. It's hard to argue with him because he always tells me how forgetful I am, and tells me I've said things I don't remember ever saying. It's really confusing and makes me feel like either I am crazy or he's lying.
If I don't change my feelings, he then resorts to crying and pleading. He tells me I'm the only thing he's got and he's scared of being alone because he's always been alone. I know this to be untrue he had a long term gf before me and a group of friends.
I think he has some sort of anxiety issues. I have anxiety too but not in the same way, mine is directed at myself, I don't think I target it at other people.
It makes me feel so sad because I care about him but I don't feel like I can help him.
No. 185948
>>185946> he always tells me how forgetful I am, and tells me I've said things I don't remember ever saying.He's literally gaslighting you anon. And he's emotionally manipulating you.
>Whenever I do something without him, like catching up with old friends, anything that doesn't directly include him, he finds something about it that has wronged him in some way and will bombard me, telling me how much I've hurt himTactics to try and cut you off from your social contacts.
>It makes me feel so sad because I care about him but I don't feel like I can help him.You need to think about yourself right now. You're in an extremely unhealthy and emotionally manipulative relationship. You need to do something NOW or you're going to end up being a recluse at his hands. Either demand he seeks professional help for his problems or break up with him but don't let this go any further. He won't stop until he's got you cut off from the world.
No. 185950
>>185946I've always been a hermit and having dated people who still have old friends to catch up with..if you're not happy with them doing that you've much bigger issues than being a hermit. His methods of trying to control you are just plain
abusive. The quietest person can be an abuser behind closed doors and you have a good example of that with him.
If you accept him being a loner and he can't in turn allow you some old connections..he's not a reasonable person. He doesn't get to drag you down with him or isolate you if you value your connections. People hate when you say 'leave him' on here but there's no other advice that reasonably fits given what you described. A clean cut off is needed.
No. 185951
>>185946It's like you read a textbook on emotional abuse and decided to rewrite it in the form of a story. I'd say dump him but since you're looking for someone to tell you how to 'help' him like it's your responsibility to make him not
abusive, I doubt you will.
No. 185959
>>185946>but I don't feel like I can help himYou really can't. Even if you manage to talk with him about it, it most probably won't change anything.
This reminded me of my ex, I could've written the same post.
Guys like this have primitive/immature defense mechanisms and are pretty egocentric since they're kinda stuck in their childhood. There was probably something that has to do with parents, as usual, that formed a fear of abandonment, which could've been exacerbated by previous relationship if his partner initiated a breakup.
I don't know if someone like that may be willing to change. Even if they can, it must be their personal decision. Because it seems that they don't really want to hear you, they will distort anything to look like a
victim in any situation because they genuinely feel like one and their egocentrism doesn't allow them to look at things from your perspective. They're too focused on their own feelings.
I was in ldr with my ex, so one time he just disappeared and didn't return my calls. I knew he had some weird relationship (which he denied) with his new acquaintance, so I contacted her and she replied after some time. Surely it appeared that they got together (and soon she got sick and tired of him lol). I was a villain for some reason. He distorted anything, including some information about me to make me look as immature as possible. It also appeared he likes to lie to control your image of him. I finally realized I wasn't crazy. It was painful but quite cathartic.
Yet it used to be almost idyllic and we have a lot in common. I often miss him, the communication we had in the good times. Other times though he would emotionally manipulate me, gaslight, play
victim, all this stuff. And get angry when confronted about it.
I understand your desire to help but there's really nothing you can do. Better preserve your sanity.
No. 185965
>>185959>>185951>>185950>>185948>>185947Thanks anons,I feel like this has really helped me get perspective. I am at a point now where I am realising I need to end my relationship with him. I can only see this conflict continuing or getting worse if we stay together. I kinda wish I hadn't tolerated his behaviour for so long.
Deciding to end things already feels like such a relief.
No. 186037
I got into it bad last night with my boyfriend. I was using his macbook and he had left his trashcan open - it didn't have much in it but I was curious. There were a few photos of a half naked woman in there, like professional boudoir photos. I didn't think that much of it for a minute, I don't have any problem with him looking at porn or getting off to porn actresses pictures. But then it hit me that I recognized these - they were from an account I'd seen before.
I realized they were from an IG I'd been recommended, because my bf and a few of his friends I follow follow it. It's a girl they know from their town who does boudoir modeling, but very overtly sexual, moreso than most boudoir I've seen. I didn't think much of it before because he didn't like any of the photos, she didn't interact with him much, but now it turns out he had saved some of these photos.
The worst part was seeing the dates he had saved them, just a couple days after I had sent him nudes he asked for (we were temporarily long distance), and a few days after I had expressed to him some insecurities about social media, etc, and we had gotten into a small back and forth.
Late last night I finally brought it up - admittedly not in the most calm manner, but I didn't tell or accuse, I was just crying and asked who she was, and why her pictures were saved on his computer.
Eventually this turned into him telling me he gets off to pictures of women he knows sometimes. When I told him how much this upset me and hurt me, he couldn't empathize at all. I've been insecure about his interactions with women before (justfied in my mind) and he insisted that this was just more of my insecurities acting up. And yeah, it is, but I'm not insecure about him looking at regular porn, I truly have no issue with porn. But when it's someone he knows, it feels so much more personal. That he's thinking about fucking them, how hot they are, whatever. He couldn't understand how this was any different than porn and told me that he thinks this doesn't have anything to do with the personal aspect of it, that I'll eventually be upset about regular porn too. And he accused me of not trusting him and thinking that he's trying to pursue these women.
I truly don't think he's trying to cheat on me or will, it just. Hurts. I tried to get him to understand, I asked him if he would be okay if I thought of my male friends while I fucked myself with a dildo, if I searched through their Facebook for pictures to get off to, would he be okay with that? He insisted that he would be, which I don't think is true.
I don't know. It just hurts so much that his first instinct was to get defensive and tell me it was my fault because I'm insecure and have hangups over this stuff, rather than acknowledge that yeah, it is different than looking at a total stranger. And that his first instinct wasn't to just stop whatever behavior is hurtful to me. I think about him before every interactiom, even interactions he would never find out about, I act as if he would because I care about him and I love him and I never want to hurt him. It just sucks anons. It sucks that because I'm insecure, and I know I'm insecure, that it feels like I can't set boundaries because it's not fair to him.
He's so good otherwise, he's such a good boyfriend and that's almost why it hurts more that he can't see this from my perspective, that he refused to empathize and that he's prioritizing getting off to other girls instead of my feelings.
No. 186044
>>186037There's millions of naked strangers that a guy can get off to…why choose a local person or someone you know irl? 3 clicks of a button and he could find hotter randoms to look at. There has to be some element of him liking the possibility of this fantasy happening for real.
I don't think you're being insanely insecure here. All the porn that exists out there and he's getting off to someone he could stand a real chance of hooking up with.. It's clearly different than just fapping to randoms. It's strange that he wont recognize that. He has you sending him nudes too.. and he's complaining about this one boundary and making you out to be crazy. You're asking for the absolute minumum here and being told to fuck off
No. 186061
>>186037Wow awesome he's so sexually liberated and accepting! Since he's open to it, just start leaving naked pictures of big-dicked men around for him to find and semi-clothed mutual male acquaintances. You can start masturbating each other while you stare at pictures of other people and talk about how hot they are and what friends you might like to bring over for threesomes and even orgies!
Or just skip all the disgusting degeneracy, realize he's not a "good boyfriend" and stay far away from anyone who so blatantly disrespects you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's a pig with coomer brainrot.
No. 186069
File: 1621200584805.jpg (31.5 KB, 378x378, 1618160943671.jpg)
>Or just skip all the disgusting degeneracy, realize he's not a "good boyfriend" and stay far away from anyone who so blatantly disrespects you and doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's a pig with coomer brainrot.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
No. 186073
>>186069He… he does have coomer brainrot though? He is putting his need to get off over his own girlfriends feelings
>>186037Your bf is a knob
No. 186090
>>186037sorry to hear your boyfriend did this. men really collect porn like their lives depend on it or like they're fucking trading cards.
>He's so good otherwise for example, if a man flirts with another woman he's not "so good otherwise" he's a creepy piece of shit who has no consideration for your feelings.
No. 186141
>>186138Yeah I've always had that feeling he would if given the chance. Hope the situation doesn't turn dire as she got dumped a while back and is now single.
If anything does happen I'll be back to give an update. I wouldn't hesitate to leave either.
No. 186162
>>186159Him joking about you being his wife and moving in and then him simultaneously not wanting to say you're his gf is some pretty weird shit. It could be that he's just stringing you along with these too-fast promises of a commited future. All talk and no action kind of guy. He thinks that by talking about you being wife material he can get shit out of you now and then later just dip. There's a type of guy that does that.
When you say he texts all day, are you seeing each other in person much? What do you do with your time together in person? Are you going places and being coupley out in public together?
No. 186163
>>186159You guys are exclusive, right? If so, he is your boyfriend.
Even if you don't call a duck a duck, it's still a duck. I think your bf is stupid, but you also don't want to put pressure on him in a stressful situation, so I'd just wait until he has more free time. If he still doesn't want to commit then, you know something's up.
No. 186194
>>186159Sorry anon, but this dude is already sending up major red flags. Talking about you being his wife so soon (even jokingly) is love bombing while refusing to accept the boyfriend label shows he's actually
not serious. Someone who really wanted to be with you wouldn't do that. It's manipulative and I'm getting the vibe that after he gets whatever he wants from you he's going to bolt. Have you had sex yet? Because if not, I'd bet that's it. If so, he's probably stringing you along until he finds someone he considers better.
>talking about you being wife material he can get shit out of you now and then later just dipExactly this. He's a bullshitter and I'd tell him you're looking for something serious and since he isn't ready to commit you're moving on. Don't let him convince you otherwise once he starts backpedaling, because he will, and it will show him he can make you dance as he pleases. He's already expressed the type of person he is, and it isn't good.
No. 186208
>>186162>When you say he texts all day, are you seeing each other in person much? What do you do with your time together in person? Are you going places and being coupley out in public together?We see each other in person as often as we can (so 1-3 times a week). He does take me on dates and we act coupley in public.
>>186194Fuck I was really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't love bombing me, I think you might be right. We have had plenty of sex already and it's been really good but he has a low sex drive and prefers to just hang out a lot of the time, so I don't feel like I'm being used for sex.
>he's probably stringing you along until he finds someone he considers better.Yeah this is exactly what I'm afraid of.
>>186163>>186201I think this is what I'm going to do, if only because his graduation is coming up pretty soon. He already refers to us as being in a relationship and has told his mom about me, which I think is the most confusing part. At the very least I've decided to stop being so available to him and have spent less time on my phone with him, and also turned down a date with him to hang out with my friend tomorrow. I guess I'll be back in a few weeks to get told-you-so'd lol.
No. 186262
My boyfriend is not cuddly at all, and I'm a very cuddly person. I would love to spoon him, to give and receive massages, for him to caress me, to make out, to wrestle and tickle him in bed and all that. Almost every time I initiate any of this, he's not interested, and he very seldom initiates any of it. We also get into a lot of weird fights and he has a tendency of yelling, flipping me off and calling me a bitch (the word in our language is not as harsh but has a similar meaning). I'm not a saint and I mess up sometimes but I would prefer to resolve conflicts more calmly and think that yelling and calling each other names is really unnecessary. Those are the two main issues I have when it comes to our relationship.
He has some qualities that I'm afraid I'll never find in another man though. He's fiercely loyal, he doesn't even watch porn (and yes, I'm 100% certain he's honest about this). He can also be very understanding, he's intelligent and he's pretty supportive. He’s also physically my type and I’m not attracted to a lot of people. I know that he loves me and even though he doesn’t cuddle much, he shows me in other ways, like buying me sweets sometimes, cooking and helping me out with a looot of stuff.
I just feel so conflicted. We live together and I care about him so breaking up would be hell. I also see a lot of his good qualities. I just don't know if any of this should be a dealbreaker. I'm kind of hurting inside because of the lack of physical affection and I also can’t stand the yelling. It happens maybe once a week or every other week, that he raises his voice. The other day he yelled “I don't want you anymore” over some really stupid little argument about food. I almost stormed out and told him that I'm done but then I remembered our current living situation and that it's not possible at the moment. Of course, he begged me to forgive him for the rest of the night and said that he's really stressed out due to several factors at the moment. But… I don't think that our situation at the moment is THAT stressful, so that makes me wonder how he would act in a situation that is super stressful like someone dying or something happening to our dog.
What do you guys say? I feel damn conflicted because he acts super sweet a lot of the time and then he can just be a huge a-hole. I'm also worried that I'll never meet a dude again who isn't pornsick because all my exes were.
No. 186266
>>186208I'm glad you're at least creating more space from this guy, both mentally and physically. Hate to say it, but prepare for the worst. If he really wanted to "lock you down" (in a more positive sense) he wouldn't be faffing about like this when it comes to defining the relationship. Seems like he's creating a loophole to say "well we were never really
official" for when he decides to split.
No. 186267
>>186262>he has a tendency of yelling, flipping me off and calling me a bitchStopped reading, dump this loser. He could be a literal fucking saint and this behavior would not be okay. When a man treats you like this, he does it intentionally. Please read "Why Does He Do That?", it perfectly explains how
abusive men act to keep control over their partners.
No. 186268
>>186262Sorry but you're doing the typical, "He's so amazing and perfect
except for [insert massive deal-breaking issues here]." It doesn't matter if he has some good qualities when he's absolute garbage in others. Screaming and swearing at your partner is disrespectful, dehumanizing and
abusive. It is not how you treat someone you love, despite how much he may say otherwise. You will never be anything more than a glorified pet with a man like this. If that's enough for you, fine, but welcome to the real world where the bar for men is so low that treating a partner with basic decency and kindness is a rarity.
No. 186269
>>186262He's
abusive asshole who yells at you about not wanting to be with you sometimes, and other times he is relatively polite to you and buys you treats. The bar you've set is so incredibly low. You can do better sis. Contrary to what scrotes like him would like you to believe, there are attractive people out there who can meet your needs including not watching porn, cooking, cleaning, cuddling, helping you out, and being nice etc, without having to balance it out by being an absolute dirtbag.
No. 186276
>>186267Thanks, anon. I'm gonna read it as soon as possible!
>>186268You're probably right, and if a friend told me this, I’d give her the same advice. It's just so much harder when you're actually living it rather than being on the outside. I guess it doesn't even really matter if I never find anyone else. Damn, I really need to work on my self-esteem.
>>186269Thanks, anon, I love your reply, it's really motivating. I will take a screenshot of your replies and use them to gather my strength when it's time.
Tbh, I didn't realise how bad it was until I wrote it all out.
No. 186302
>>186283They do exist anon but they may not be available to you at the moment, by no fault of your own. The dating pool for younger women tends to be populated with tons of worthless pornsick and/or
abusive mentally ill scrotes, including and especially older men who prefer to date women 10+ years their junior. Sure, some good young men are dating around that age and it's not impossible to find one, but you have to navigate a mass desperate and manipulative losers in the process, which can honestly really fuck you up mentally the more times you experience them. When I was younger I genuinely believed the meme that all straight men are
abusive coomers, because
abusive coomers prey almost exclusively on young women and convince women that this is just how all men are. High quality men tend to spend their adult teens and twenties establishing their careers before looking for a serious relationship, and when they do start looking those men prefer women close to their own age. If you're still pretty young, spend your time working on your personal goals and have some fun and look for a real partner a little later. You can find a nice fuckboy around your age if you'd like, maybe he'll turn out to be a genuine good guy, but don't get so attached that you'd put up with or excuse any shitty behavior.
No. 186338
>>186305so true.
>>186302I'm 27 so I'm no spring chicken anymore. plenty of terrible experiences with men have left me jaded and feeling kinda hopeless. I can definitely relate to
> older men who prefer to date women 10+ years their junior> navigating a mass of desperate and manipulative losers in the process, which can honestly really fuck you up mentally the more times you experience themI've only ever had one somewhat healthy relationship and everything else has been absolutely soul-crushing. but thank you for reminding me that it's not my fault. anon, what made you stop believing that all straight men are
abusive coomers? did you find someone high value?
No. 186348
>>186347lol
>I'm an asshole now but I was nice to you at an earlier point in time, so you owe me!no idea what you guys fought about but he's probably not worth it.
No. 186350
>>186348No “probably” necessary, he isn’t. Healthy arguments involve listening to your partner and calmly explaining your perspective, not arrogantly informing them of how generous you are and then ghosting/stonewalling them.
>>186347Despite his poor behavior, you have issues girl. You sound codependent as hell. No man should have so much sway over you that you’re shaking and pissing your pants over an asshole potentially doing you the favor of fucking off for good. You’re basing all your worth on this idiot’s opinion, please get help to develop a better sense of self worth.
No. 186352
>>186347You're either a minor or you have personal problems because
> im crying i cant sleep i cant eat i cant function > im so worthlessis an incredibly unhealthy reaction. But so is your bf giving you the silent treatment so clearly both of you have issues to work through.
No. 186353
>>186350>>186348Thanks girls i needed to hear it. I cant believe he did that to me.
He never ignored me before so i dont know why he did that, but what i do know is i shouldnt tolerate it.
Ive told him giving me the silent treatment is
abusive and horrible. If he doesnt apologize then ill just block him and move on. Cant believe this is someone ive been dating for a year. It hurts so much because he was always so sweet to me. Ill try to distract myself and focus on myself. Cant let a guy make me depressed
No. 186356
>>186353Holy shit, someone here who actually listens to advice and takes responsibility for their life instead of grasping at straws to defend and continuing to be thrashed about by their shitty
abusive bf. You will be absolutely fine anon.
No. 186360
>>186347If he's ignored you for 2 days that's just emotional punishment. Been there. Please take the lead and consider this relationship over. Don't sit around and desperately worry about whether this is the end or not.. these games are designed to torture you and you do sound very emotionally vulnerable to them. Don't stick around in this misery. You're better off without this relationship. Consider this a break up and start putting yourself in the headspace of moving on and working on yourself and your self esteem.
>>186353 >If he doesnt apologize then ill just block him and move onJust move on regardless. If someone is emotionally
abusive…what does an apology even matter? Cut and run.
No. 186390
>>186360>>186356Just an update. He replied he doesnt want to talk.
welp. fuck him. Im officially single. shit hurts so much. cant believe i wrote so much for someone who doesnt care but ill be alright. he doesnt deserve me. I didnt reply to him and i wont. Thanks a lot for all the anons here.
I refuse to cry for someone whos fine ignoring me. Ill just focus on myself and my friends.
No. 186437
>>186390Good job
nonny, seriously. It’s usually an uphill battle getting anyone to respect themselves here but I’m glad you know his behavior is unacceptable. It does hurt when someone who claims to care for you lets you down, but there will be other (better) opportunities for a partner and plenty of other things in your life to enjoy as well. Good luck and keep taking care of yourself.
No. 186453
File: 1621362413907.jpg (52.65 KB, 772x960, 1614145949724.jpg)
>>186390My heart breaks for you anon, I hope you find peace with yourself and love yourself like the queen you are
No. 186646
>>186625occasional disagreements, debates, miscommunication, accidentally hurt feelings are normal like they are in any kind of relationship.
if they're fights that turn into screaming, insulting, tearing each other down, and/or hurting each other's feelings on purpose, that's not healthy. you can disagree and even argue without disrespecting your SO.
No. 186668
>>176521I feel like I might be pathologically dissatisfied with relationships, even though I've only had two and one that was so short it doesn't even count.
I also feel like I've both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. When in relationship, I often imagine myself being alone and making up reasons why the future with my current bf is impossible. Although I didn't even have to make up something while being with my ex, but even in the good times there were some little things that made me annoyed too.
And I doubt that finding someone else is a solution, tbh. I think the problem is that I don't really believe someone can love me, and I kind of don't let myself be too attached, unless partner acts cold, because then I appear to be unhealthily dependent. At least that's how it was in my previous relationship, with a partner that was also anxious and avoidant and that used to be more anxious with me at the very beginning and got more avoidant after we broke up (my initiative) and later got together again. Guess that's what happened to me as well.
I can't let myself be attached, so I keep focusing on every little flaw. And yeah, I wouldn't say that my current bf is 100% perfect for me, but I doubt it's even possible, and this relationship is pretty good: I'm comfortable with him, we have healthy communication, he's overall decent and very nice guy, we have some things in common. I think it'd be stupid to look for someone new. I'd be excited at first and then it'd be just the same. Also the mere thought of getting close with someone new makes me feel exhausted.
Sometimes I think that it must mean that I just should be alone but I highly doubt it'll make me happy. I often feel alone regardless of being in a relationship and it kills me. I really want to have someone and be close with someone, and yet it seems I only sabotage things.
I know I need a therapist but I don't have enough money now, so… maybe someone here has similar experience? How do you fight it? What do?
No. 186677
>>186668>I wouldn't say that my current bf is 100% perfect for meIn what ways? Like you're not the biggest fan of his wardrobe or you have wildly differing life goals/outlooks? Because there's a huge leap here between settling and making yourself more miserable vs accepting a normal amount of differences with a partner.
>don't let myself be too attachedThe issue seems to be that you crave closeness but you're scared of getting close because it makes you more vulnerable. I think one way to address this sort of problem is by being incrementally more open about your struggles with your partner, but I have no idea how supportive your boyfriend is or if you even think he's worth fostering a deeper relationship with. That being said, whether you stay with him or not, the core problem is that you "don't really believe someone can love [you]." If you don't believe you're lovable, someone else can tell you otherwise till they're blue in the face, but it still won't make a difference because you choose not to believe it. If you haven't tried CBT before, I found the book Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques by McKay very helpful in breaking down the false reasons I thought I was worthless. Once you get over that hump, it becomes easier to see if other people are worth trusting and whether they contribute to your life or not.
No. 186711
>>186352Anon, I don’t think being shaken up about a relationship ending, even an
abusive one, is immature.
No. 186741
>>186625I think what matters more is how the conflict is settled. Also is it truly settled or do old arguments just repeat. Do either of you hit the other one with some really low (verbal) blows? Do you say horrible shit to hurt them or just stick to the subject at hand? Is your arguing productive or is one emotionally punishing the other?
I dated someone before where our weekends were sometimes just entirely ruined by him giving me the silent treatment for 2 days straight (living in a tiny apartment together) If I tried to break through the silence he'd either double down or scream his head off for an hour. Both were
abusive. It didn't happen too often but when it did it meant that my 2 days off work were absolutely ruined and consumed by his bad mood. I felt miserable in my own home. Then I'd return to work on monday feeling like hell, unrested, all plans that I told coworkers about had been ruined but I couldn't tell them why. I should've left the first time it happened because that was the only way this guy knew to express his displeasure at something. He's not about to get intensive therapy so he won't change anytime soon. There was never anything productive about those fights. I'd beg to sit down and come up with a resolution together but some people fight just to punish others. I think issues like that have some deep roots. Don't ever sign a lease with someone til you've at least had a couple of blow ups and made sure they don't escalate or drag shit out like that lol
No. 186763
>>186037>Late last night I finally brought it up - admittedly not in the most calm manner, but I didn't tell or accuse, I was just crying and asked who she was, and why her pictures were saved on his computer. Between this and the fact it was in the trashcan I'd assume this is probably a case of masturbating to it then feeling shame and deleting it which means he knows it's wrong on some level and possibly the way you brought it up launching right into tears made him feel ambushed not to mention probably annoyed about his privacy being violated.
>I truly don't think he's trying to cheat on me or will, it just. Hurts. I tried to get him to understand, I asked him if he would be okay if I thought of my male friends while I fucked myself with a dildo, if I searched through their Facebook for pictures to get off to, would he be okay with that? He insisted that he would be, which I don't think is true. This sort of comparison is a bad idea if he already views his actions like this as a shameful vice which, again, he probably does if he'd already deleted the images. It fails to get across why you're upset because you are asking 'what if I also had a moment of weakness' which is how he views the situation and clearly he can live with himself doing that.
In other words wait until he cools down and explain your reasoning again, making clear it's a red line regardless of whether or not he agrees with you i.e. explain but don't try and persuade because a man will take that as a debate when this needs to be a simple statement. It sounds odd but a man will understand the idea of a rule even if he disagrees with the reason for that rule you just have to make it clear that the conclusion isn't up for debate the question then becomes one of if he will actually follow it.
I know it's frustrating because you want him to understand and agree with your perspective and emotional process but he won't or more likely can't however good men will agree to avoid specific behaviour even without that understanding if you make is very clear that is your expectation, not an argument about how
valid or not your emotions leading to that expectation are.
That said the above is a general statement about relationships, personal red lines and how to communicate emotional needs to men but in this specific situation I'd consider his actions to be akin to cheating because it's someone he knows and second chances for cheating are dumb so you'd be better to just walk away entirely. The fact he deleted the images tells you he is aware that this is not simple porn. I don't have a problem with normal porn either but knowing the girl is a completely different situation.
No. 186780
>>186763This was a lot of mental gymnastics and “just cOmMuNiCaTe” advice to say “but really he’s emotionally cheating and you should leave him.” Next time you can skip the part where you attempt to rationalize coomer behavior as human, this isn’t Reddit where you have to pad out the real advice with a few paragraphs of pickme fluff. Also
>I don't have a problem with normal porn either Gross
No. 186877
>>186868Since you both felt like it could work before, why not give it a shot? Yes, it could not work out, but at least you'll have tried instead of maybe asking yourself what could've been in 10 years.
Any chance the LDR could become a normal relationship in the future?
No. 186881
>>186877I originally had something much, much, MUCH longer written out but I got frustrated and just went with this and tried to fit as many details as I could in one paragraph.
But basically, yes, that chance is there. The problem is it will just take time. The distance itself is not
that bad but we are in different countries and that poses an issue in itself. I am in Canada and he is in the US. It's still not possible for him to come here due to border restrictions but if we were to start something I would think at this rate we could make plans for him to fly here within a year. I guess from there we would see how things went. Repeat visits.. extended stays. To put our compatibility to the fullest test. And then I suppose the final step would be moving in if all of those things worked as planned.
Of course this is all hypothetical.. I haven't even worked myself into asking him again yet. But I am confident he will be on board because I know he has deep feelings for me too. It's just with how long things could take for the whole process that worries me.. I do think if we are truly meant to be then it would be worth it but it would be challenging for sure.
No. 186909
Not really sure what to do now.
My bf is friends with a girl, let's call her Ann. Recently she became really intense, texting him all the time, wanting to meet up. We actually met up with her for a beer and they were only talking with each other, I got jealous and left earlier. We argued about it, my bf was angry at me for not being social with her (I'm introverted and she's a stranger that I've seen texting my bf all the time so… I wasn't the most friendly). We made up.
So, one day my bf tells me that he knows why Ann is texting him so much, she broke up with her bf. He found it amusing but I explained to him that he shouldn't make himself so "avaiable" to her right now, texting day and night, making plans for meeting up "with me or without me, if I don't wanna go". He admitted he complained about me to her (because of that fight), so she probably thinks things are rocky and she might have a chance. After my explanation, when she invited him to hang out he asked if there will be more people, to give a sign he doesn't want to meet up with her only. Which is cool, at least he understood something. But they still text a lot, she's his first choice everywhere on socials when you pick send.
I don't know. I feel like he's maybe enjoying the attention. I don't want to be like "cut her off", because I wouldn't let my bf do that to my guy friends, but it irks me. Not sure if I should just trust my guy and ignore it all, waiting for the girl to get a clue, or get angry at him for entertaining her when he's aware she's lowkey after him.
No. 186911
>>186909> He admitted he complained about me to her (because of that fight)So that means, she will
most likely talked shit about you and is slowly trying pushing the idea of you guys breaking up.
If you will go "I want you to spend less time w her" @ him or her (assuming if he will talk about it, which he probably will because he ranted about you), she will use it as a tactics to make things worse.
So I think, why don't you play-pretend try to befriend her? You could show an interest in getting to know your bfs friends, and say how bad you feel for her over a breakup, adding that you are sure that she needs some women's support right now, which would lead to asking if you guys could spend time as three people, pushing the idea. You could watch her reaction (and his reaction) about it, but especially keeping an eye on the way she looks and acts about it. If she goes "NLOG" route, then that's a walking red flag.
Men are really easily manipulated by these kinds of "aww, I bwokw up with my bf…I wish there were more men like you! Damn, your gf sucks" weirdos, but there's still hope that she is not one. A small one, but still.
It's definitely okay to vent to your friends especially if you broke up if you both know eachother for awhile, but the fact that she keeps glueing to him as if he is the only man in this entire world after break up sounds REALLY alarming.
No. 186912
>>186909Honestly I'd recommend the "cut her off" approach the most. I know it's a lot but it's clearly what you want and what would be the best in this situation, just explain it well to your boyfriend so he sees your point.
Anecdotal evidence but I've tried this approach
>>186911 suggests
>So I think, why don't you play-pretend try to befriend her? You could show an interest in getting to know your bfs friends, and say how bad you feel for her over a breakupin an exact this situation - close friend of my (now ex)bf, very close with said bf, just went through breakup; I felt insecure about her but didn't want to sound insane so I thought exactly that, I'll be her friend and make sure nothing bad will happen. She was VERY happy to be friends with me, happy to vent and spend time, sometimes just the two of us so I thought we became friends and I think, there's no way she'd backstab me surely? Well, turns out she was happy to get the opportunity to get closer to me because that meant she can spend more time with my bf and ultimately hiding in plain sight with her intentions to be with him. Of course he's guilty too, maybe even more than her, but I'm raising this as the point that becoming friends will most likely just make things easier for her if her intention is to get your boyfriend.
No. 186919
>>186911Please make sure you read
>>186913The other girl doesn't matter, but how your bf reacts certainly does. Like fuck, he's complaining about you to her, getting angry at you because you understandably don't want to be involved with her… It seems like he is enjoying the validation and drama, he is not boyfriend material imo. I don't think you should try to be buddy buddy with her and manipulate the situation, but should really take a step back and ask yourself if this kind of behavior is something you really want from a partner. This shit would make me feel annoyed and want to break up, he is immature as fuck and hasn't gotten past the petty high school drama stage.
No. 186923
>>186909I am sorry
nonny but he absolutely knows she's into him and stringing her along for validation or possible backup plan. He also seems to be looking out for your reactions and getting some weird kick out of them. I hate how men are treated as if they were oblivious to the most obvious shit when he's clearly aware. If he had any respect for you he'd end the bullshit and say to her clearly that he's not interested.
It may seem counter intuitive but you should refuse to show that you are bothered by it and keep on living your life. Find a new hobby, make new (perhaps male?) friends. Don't waste your energy on trying to talk him out of it or try to befriend her, chances are she will see you as a rival from the get go. Nothing makes men more furious than indifference from their partner which is also why males tend to remember their exes for years.
No. 186924
>>186909Sounds very unfun.
Honestly I was in the same situation roles reversed. Guy friend of mine showed clear interest in me, made my bf feel bad that I would not cut him off and chose the diplomatic route instead. I wanted to keep the friendship still because I trusted myself and my intentions, also felt lowkey offended and scared I'd be isolated cause not many friends (only hung out with him very sparingly though), but after a bit I bothered to check in with how my partner was feeling about it and truly consider his feelings, and he was upset enough about it that it didn't seem worth it anymore. Your partner's priority should be to protect you from harm. Doing somethig that hurts your self esteem is a fucking no.
Idk anything about your bf but it's even possible that he's enjoying the jealousy from you, if you get any vibes like that dump his sorry ass on the spot.
I recommend giving it time, keeping a cool head, observing and detaching from the situation so you can clearly assess your boyfriend's reaction to her flirting (and be aroud them a bit more so you can get an idea, she's gonna be subtle but you'll probably be able to tell if she's trying to be cute)
The main goal is to talk to him about it, while giving him time. For that you need to determine if she's really trying to get your bf, what this man is doing about it and where his priorities lie (his ego or you), and not acting in any way that would further her goals. Men come and go after all and if this is a test the outcome will be better for you either way. Just stay dignified and good luck to you <3
No. 186978
>>186919Yep, this sounds absolutely exhausting and like she’s dealing with a 13-year-old who’s excited about having girls fight over him and playing up the drama. Whining about her with the other women behind her back, then doubling down and complaining when she brings it up? Wow, how manly and loyal. Clearly a real catch.
What the fuck anon, you’d have to have zero standards to put up with this shit. Don’t fuck petty little boys.
No. 186981
>>186868>>186881It sounds like your heart wants it and if you think there's a chance it can work I see no reason not to go for it.
And don't be shy about posting long posts, even if not every last detail is helpful you will probably feel better writing things out clearly.
No. 187016
don't wanna spam tag the replies, so: I'm an
>>186909 anon.
Thank you, didn't expect such big feedback and various advice.
Yes, I think he gets some kick out of me being jealous because he's pretty insecure about himself, so me being angry and the girl's attention validates him. It's childish, just plainly thoughtless. Ngl, he's an idiot about many things.
I think I will, as some anons advised, wait but still keep an eye on them. Can't really detach myself, bothers me too much. We won't see each other this week, so she may take the chance to hang out with him. If he agrees, I'm going to drop the cool-headed shtick and either really tell him off, or just fucking ascend and distance myself out of this mess, because I won't fight for a dude with 5 years old younger attention thot.
No. 187070
>>187016Yeah it's tiring to worry about female friends of guy you're dating. I had a bf that had unclear boundaries with his female friends and it honestly kept stressing me out so much I dropped him. I just want to rely on and be able to trust my partner.
He kept making me out to be a jealous bitch and it felt like gaslighting, saying that flirting and sending hearts and body compliments to a woman he used to date is normal, buying his former dance partner theatre tickets and inviting her out is normal, badmouthing me to his female friend and secretly going out with her behind my back is normal, etc…
I sleep much better since then and even though I miss him, I just wouldn't be able worry like this my whole life if I stayed with him.
No. 187117
My boyfriend and I play an online game together. He started playing it much earlier than me and is a lot better than me. That being said, I began to get extremely tired of every mistake I was making being focused on by him and he began giving unwanted criticism and advice constantly to the point the game was no longer enjoyable. I told him about this and he said "well if we're playing competitive I'm going to tell you how to get better so either play casual or don't play with me". So now we only play casual mode together. Today we played 2 games of casual mode and he began giving unwanted criticism again, so I said "i'm just playing casual I don't need advice", so he said "OK i'm done playing", left the discord call without another word and then when I went to talk to him about it in person he accused me of being grumpy which is why he left, even though I was just trying to remind him that all this unwanted advice annoys me when I'm just trying to have fun. Another thing I should note is every time he suggests a game we play it for a few hours together minimum. Whenever I suggest a game, which was the case this time, he always finds some miniscule excuse in my behaviour to stop playing after 15 mintues because I'm "too grumpy" or "its not fun with you anymore". He will happily play the same games I suggest with friends for hours but when its with me he seems to hate every second of it, which makes me feel really great. So I either play the games he suggests or we play no games at all. He threw a tantrum over something he'd agree to not do in casual mode, and now I'm sitting here wondering why I'm dating a child. What do I do, anons? I'll definitely not play that game with him anymore, but still? Manchild behaviour
No. 187129
>>187117kek i dated manchildren like this in the past. they have some autistic form of """"competitiveness"""" and hate if their gf does something they deem "bad" in game. sperg dudes like this can't just let things go and have fun with their significant other, they absolutely MUST take every single opportunity possible to demean their gf if they think they're right or better than them in a video game. they are unhelpable when it comes to this, they will never ever change kek.
t. autist who dated a bunch of retarded gamer spergs
No. 187135
>>187132I don't suck at the game, we're both close to the highest ranks of the game now. So I really don't see this being a thing in his mind. I think he's just weirdly competitive and has to always undermine me to make sure I don't feel like I could possibly be better than him or something.
>>187129Yeah what you just described is him, given any scenario where a game is involved he's always being like "yeah you did x and y wrong" and just assuming I'm fucking braindead, explaining things in a game I have 500+ hrs in…really not fun.
No. 187136
>>187135>he's just weirdly competitive and has to always undermine me to make sure I don't feel like I could possibly be better than him or something.this is exactly it. i'm
>>187129it's best to just not play games that can be competitive with people like him. you should tell him he makes it unfun to play with him because he makes it like a competition between the two of you, and putting you down feels like shit when he's nice to his friends when he plays with them, and is only a jerk to you, his fucking girlfriend.
No. 187164
>>187117It all reminds me of manchild that u used to know, his only excuse on being an asshole and such was "I am a sociopath Xd", he would act the same way when it comes to videogames, being happy only when I suck and never acknowledging it when I am doing better than him, only being "grumpy" too.
Are you edating? He sounds like a horrible pain in the ass. Is there any other scenario when he acts that way?
No. 187171
>>187164>Are you edating?No, we've been together 3 years and moved in together late last year as we both attend the same college and it worked out cheap. For the first 2 years he was absolutely fine, this manchild behaviour was barely there, if at all. I would never have dated him if he was like this from the beginning. Now that I think about it, there are other scenarios where he's like this:
>I will suggest a solution to a problem and he will immediately shoot it down, sometimes even laugh at how stupid the idea sounds to him. After doing his own research and realising I was right, says nothing about the fact that I was right and makes it out like its his amazing idea>He got a speeding ticket in my car, got depressed at the $480 he needed to pay for it and immediately accused me of "only making sure the fine wasn't under [my] name" and not supporting him enough in his post-fine depression, even though he misused my vehicle and should fucking suck it up>Hates any anime/movie I suggest we watch, always wants to turn it off after 10 minutes, even asked me "is this how you spend your time" after we watched one episode of something I wanted to watch. Makes me sit through entire series of anime/movies he suggests and if I don't he refuses to watch anything with me at all because I "dont seem to enjoy anything we watch anyway" when I turn down 1 night of watching something after having watched 20 episodes>Has rich grandparents who always offer to help him financially, turns it down childishly and gets angry at them for offering help. Turns down mental health treatment he desperately needs on the basis of "having no money", even though he has family that loves him and wants to help financially, when I and our friends don't have that luxury>Never messages his family so they assume the worst. I gave his grandparents my phone number in case something happened to him, telling them "if you're ever worried about him please message me" his grandma kept sending me messages every week asking why he wasnt answering her calls/texts so I asked him to respond to his family and he snarkily sent me a message saying "yeah if you're ever worried about him please message me", and when I said "what the fuck dude" he said "what the fuck? what do you mean what the fuck I'm having a fucking shit day" and went on not responding to his familyJust so you know, the more I've written in this thread the more I'm convinced I'm packing my shit as soon as this lease ends. I'm aware there's no hope and he's a manchild. I just want to know what I can do in the meantime to live civily with him. Enjoy the greentext disaster that is my life, though.
No. 187172
how do i gently encourage my long distance gf to lose weight? i have given her tips since she was at my own heaviest weight but recently she mentioned her weight and shes gotten 5kg heavier and shes a bit shorter than me so i know it would affect her more than me physically, i worry about her getting any heavier than she is right now because she might reach the point that whenever she loses it she might have loose or excess skin and her body image is already bad enough, i dont want her to hate or loathe herself any more either. the main culprit imo is her ordering food a lot, she only started this year and it was usually a occasional treat but now it feels like everyday. shes not obsessive like i have become after i lost weight but i have looked up the calories for what she gets and it really adds up… ive tried to encourage just get either a meal or a drink but not both (the drinks are really flavoured, think starbucks style, syrups and all that) and sometimes she does but most of the time she gets what she likes but then asks me if im disappointed, (i kind of am but never say it!) shes emotionally sensitive and i dont want to hurt her feelings… but i dont want her to really be ordering so often and so much either… i dont want to give her a complex or obsession or make her feel bad every time she eats something. i know what its like to be fat, i know what its like to hate your body, i just wish there was some easy way to help… she doesnt need to be stick thin by tomorrow or ever honestly, ill just be happy if she moves closer down to the obese bmi line instead of further up, all i really just want right now is that extra 5kg off and to never go over my highest ever again.
No. 187175
>>187171> accused me of "only making sure the fine wasn't under [my] name" and not supporting him enough in his post-fine depression, even though he misused my vehicle and should fucking suck it upWhat the fuck. He deserves a punch. He obviously used depression to manipulate you and feel pity for him, as if he is a little baby.
> Hates any anime/movie I suggest we watch, always wants to turn it off after 10 minutes, even asked me "is this how you spend your time" after we watched one episode of something I wanted to watch. Me and my partner always watch our suggestions/fave things together. Hell, he even sat through 5 episodes of a TLC shit show with me. How can this man be so selfish?
> Has rich grandparents who always offer to help him financially, turns it down childishly and gets angry at them for offering help. Turns down mental health treatment he desperately needs on the basis of "having no money", even though he has family that loves him and wants to help financially, when I and our friends don't have that luxury> Other stuff about poor family members who worry about himWell, now we know the whole problem. He is a spoiled asshat, I am sorry for you. I can't stand it when people especially take their supportive, stable parents as granted. Once they leave this world he will make everything about himself and whine all the time. I genuinely hate people like him. I honestly can't even suggest anything, really. He is a huge jerk and the only thing that he needs is spend some time in mental hospital and force to do some charity work, so he would know that world doesn't resolve around his stupid, sorry ass. As a person who didn't have the luxury of having good mother and father, I want to punch anyone who acts like an angry, selfish teenager towards their support, doesn't talk to them and then cries how "lonely" they are. I know a person who acts the same way towards her parents, but the only time she would spend time with them, and go all "positive" towards them is only for her own, selfish reasons or if she needs to ask them something (doesn't talk to her mother and grandmother at all, lives in their basement and is active during night without any job or education; randomly chimes in, asking them for 10k to give a surgery for weight loss instead of losing weight like a normal person). Uuugh
You really deserve a medal for handling this sort of relationship for so long.
No. 187190
>>187172Maybe you can start a workout habit 'together'? Like, make a schedule or use an app for x amount of pushups, planks, minutes of jogging etc a day, and encourage eachother to keep to it. You can talk about how you're doing and make it into a bonding thing, maybe even do voicecalls or videocalls while you're both working out, stuff like that?
If she really doesn't have any desire to become fit this probably wouldn't work either, but excercise tends to be a much less sensitive subject than eating habits. Telling her to eat less might invite shame and even cause her to binge more as a comfort. With excercise it's about feeling good after doing something right, as opposed to feeling bad after doing something wrong.
I hope it works!
No. 187206
>>187201>>187172yeah, exercise is all well and good but if she's eating like shit still she'd be undoing her hard work because she would still be eating more calories than she burns most likely.
anon, have you guys heard of hellofresh? you should give it a try. choose high veggie, high protein healthy meals and cook them together. that way she'll be so focused on having fun cooking healthy food with you and trying new stuff that she won't be giving in to the urge to order because it would be wasteful and would stop her getting the chance to enjoy cooking as a couple.
No. 187293
>>184398I actually brought up your story to my bf to get his perspective on it, and we both determined that he was 100% cheating without a doubt.
In my experience, guys who cheat have very low self esteem contrary to popular belief. You really need to find yourself a man in good mental health.
I understand how hard it is to leave a relationship of many years, I was breaking up with my ex for a year straight it was so hard.
But honestly, cheating never warrants a second chance, unless they thought you were kidnapped for years and you appeared again.
Other than that, even though he says he loves you, he simply enjoys 'some' aspect of you and 'other' aspects in other people.
You are simply filling in certain fragments of his personality.
And worse, if you decide to stay and have a family, good luck, his cheating spree will only increase as family life brings on more challenges that this dude is very obviously not ready for.
Good luck
No. 187301
>>187294i wouldn't worry as much about his bisexuality as his obvious coomerdom.
how much porn does he watch? what kind? does he still wanna fuck troons etc? the fact he likes men is secondary to that
No. 187302
>>187301We both stopped watching about half a year into our relationship, had big discussions on how it just corrupts us etc. I think he occassionaly looks at anime girls on twitter but they're all female, shit even I see it online from time to time.
We're in our third year now. He says he doesn't fuck anyone, I mean I don't think I'd still be around if he did. My main concern is just not being able to fully trust someone of a more open sexuality. I try but its really hard I guess.
No. 187309
>>187306I do think it makes a man more likely to cheat tbh, in the sense that men are easy and if a bi guy wants to cheat, he could easily find a tonne of willing partners on grindr. A straight guy who wants to cheat might not be able to attract a girl at all, or not want to put in the effort to get one into bed.
But it really doesn't matter if they manage to physically cheat or not - the desire to cheat is the problem, even if they fail at it. A loyal person won't cheat regardless of opportunities.
No. 187332
>>187306Not OP but I have a negative discrimination against bi dudes just because I've been talking to some while looking for dates, and they were like "you know I'm bi?" and I said "yeah, cool, I mean it doesn't really matter once we get into a monogamous relationship" and they were surprised and said that they
need to fuck men, and they thought I was agreeing to that by accepting they're bi. Obviously these are just scummy guys trying to talk me into an open relationship of sorts, but it did taint my view of bi guys in general.
No. 187386
>>176521There is a guy I have been seeing for 3 months and I am starting to feel frustrated. Basically there is a lot of communication issues and its frustrating because he doesn’t seem to understand me or even try. I met him on tinder and when I asked him why he used it he told me that he started tinder 3 months after he broke up with his gf of 4 years. I asked if it was because he wanted to and he told me that it was because he felt like he had to but he still said that he liked me and wanted to see how things went. As time went on it felt like our relationship was on surface level. Our interactions are mostly “banter” or him winding me up. Sometimes he will make jokes about my insecurities or past traumas that are insensitive. When I tell him this he reassures me that he was only joking and that he was sorry if it actually upset me, and I don’t even know if this dude can even understand why I am upset about this. The main problem with our relationship is that he told me that he doesn’t really like to talk about feelings. Aka. Feelings about the person he is dating, and he considers himself to be cold. He says that he shows his feelings through actions, which he does. He makes time for me definitely and sometimes when I ask him questions like “if I am annoying him” he will respond with “If you were annoying you do you think I would be talking to you right now,” or “if you think I am only dtf would we spending time cooking together?” etc. Despite that it is obvious for him to say nice things about me, to compliment me or say any other types of words of affirmation. When I go out on dates with him, its like I am just hanging out with a friend and not a boyfriend, as according to him he “really hates PDA.” Sometimes we will go out and he won’t do anything at all. I had an argument this morning about this and he told me that I seem to not be happy and that if it’s a big issue then I should leave. I told him I wanted this to work that is why I am trying to work this out, and I also told him that I feel like I misunderstand him a lot because he hardly wants to say what he things. It feels like I am forcing shit out of him, like I need to make prompting questions like “Do you care about me? Do you want me in your life?” etc. Which he obviously responds yes to, but he has never has said any of these things in his own accord. He tells me that he will change and that he will be more affirmative or hold my hand, but he never did, I still take the initiative with all that shit. On top of that I told him that he should know whether he wanted to be official with me as we had been dating for a while which he said that he would. But then my best friend asked him if we were official yet and he responded with “We have been dating for a few months…. So I guess so?” I don’t know why but its really upsetting me and I don’t know why he is treating me like this.
No. 187391
>>187386>communication issues>jokes about my insecurities or past traumas>considers himself to be cold>hates PDA>I seem to not be happy and that if it’s a big issue then I should leaveHe's not making you happy because he's a total ass, I agree you should leave.
>I told him I wanted this to work Why? Again, he is an ass. This dude is actual garbage anon, you're willing to put up with someone who doesn't care about your needs, actively makes fun of your pain and insecurities and is lukewarm at best about your relationship. Yeah, what a catch. Why are your standards so low? Ditch this loser. He's not adding anything of value to your life that you can't provide for yourself minus the excessive anxiety, frustration and personal attacks.
No. 187421
>>187386It sounds like he's keeping you around because it's better than not having somebody around. He's telling you to 'just leave' in that argument because he's telling you that's his absolute limit of effort he's willing to put into this relationship. He says whatever he needs to say to keep you around then doesn't change, because this dynamic world for him. It's been 3 months, why are you so invested?
If you put all the energy you've invested into this guy into yourself, you would be so much better off single.
No. 187484
>>176521Girls I need advice.
My best friend's boyfriend called my phone last night, told me not to speak, and proceeded to chimp out for a whole minute uninterrupted about how I am possessive of her and I am never to talk to him again. He has massive drinking and anger issues, and his rage genuinely scared me. He sounded like a man who had snapped. He genuinely sounded like he wanted to kill me.
I've never said it to him, but his behaviours remind me of my
abusive ex. He consistently puts me down in front of our friends, doesn't let me talk to my friend alone, ever. He's rude to everyone, he's one of those people you can't take anywhere without them starting a fight.
He wants to meet up later but I have nothing to say to him, as I don't want to be around anyone who is capable of a snap like that. My question is, do I cut my best friend off too? She knows he's awful and says she just doesn't care. I feel so alone and afraid and don't know what to do.
No. 187486
>>187484Holy shit this is scary. He has already said what he needed to say on the phone, do not meet him, what for? Reach out to your friend, tell her he called you and made you feel uneasy.
>She knows he's awful and says she just doesn't care.I guess you need to cut your friend too, who says something like this? It's highly likely her bf is manipulative /
abusive toward her and she even may be aware but afraid to speak up but if you've already tried to bring it up and met with a wall, at the moment there's nothing more you can do.
No. 187491
>>187484When you said he has a drinking problem I immediately imagined him a decade from now, in AA and making all those apology phone calls they make as part of recovery. You'll be on a list with dozens of others.
A drinking problem and rage problem don't mix well. Even if he was somehow nice to you upon meeting up he's still likely to get a few drinks into him and flip back and forth between being reasonable and raging out again. He won't have a great grasp on his emotions and behaviour til he gets help and I'd put a distance between you and him to be safe. Make sure people know he's made you feel unsafe. Make it clear you don't want to interact with him.
No. 187497
>>187486>>187491Ayrt, thanks for getting back to me, this is good stuff.
The catalyst for the phone call was that I’d said to my friend and one other person that I’m close to that I’d be pulling back from socializing with them as a group, but I was okay and they weren’t to worry about me, I’m just a phone call away etc.
This man has always had a massive problem with me as I’m a woman that refuses to be picked on or bullied, and that I pulled him on trying to pick up my young sisters when they’re drunk. I’ll be sad to lose my friend but he really is a nasty piece of work, and I have enough experience with my previous ex who is very alike to him to know that you can’t reason with him, he won’t respect a boundary, and his favourite tool is embarrassing people into submission in public. There’s no talking to a man like that, but I will not be putting myself in a situation where he could possibly get violent with me today.
My heads a little foggy as this happed 14 hours ago and I couldn’t sleep last night, sorry if it’s a little unclear.
Ily nonnies x
No. 187537
>>187503>>187506I have a strict personal policy about not meeting up with angry men, I told him politely that I am cancelling our meeting today but I bear him no ill will and wish him best of luck, he responded with a few paragraphs demanding to know why I think he's controlling. I've locked down my socials now.
She's not scared of him, she legit just doesn't care I think.
Thanks gals
No. 187540
>>187537If I were to try and look into her future I'm thinking the day will come where he'll direct that anger at her too. It's hard to date one of those types and not eventually find yourself on the receiving end of rage. You can't please them forever. She might be his fave right now but that's a lesson alot of us learn the hard way.
Good on you for rising above it.
No. 187603
I've been dating a by all accounts great guy for almost a year. I'm not going to list his good qualities with some gotcha at the end like him being super abusive, because he isn't. He's a genuinely good person who cares about me and wants me to be happy, and our lifestyles, interests, and dumbass senses of humor align nicely. However, lately I've been completely uninterested in having sex with him. Hell, I'm not just uninterested - I resent the idea, and if he so much as eats me out I have what feels like a panic attack immediately after. I'm not sure if it's some kind of autistic meltdown from being overstimulated or a trauma reaction, which seems much more likely. What's worse is we've successfully had sex in the past, and he has always been very concerned with me feeling comfortable and enjoying myself whenever we try to do it.
As if the situation wasn't already fucked up, I've also been attracted to girls since I was at least six years old and I'm really doubting if I'm even into men anymore. All of my fantasies are about women and on the rare occasion I consume pornographic material it's wlw literotica/shitty fanfic or still images of girls (I don't like watching videos of people for some reason). I can find individual men kind of hot and I have a "type" that my bf fits into, but when it comes to actually doing anything with a guy I lose interest and get extremely uncomfortable. Granted, most of my sexual experiences with guys have ranged from awkward to skeevy and coersive to straight up daterape and shitty terrible e-grooming in the distant past. This has lead to a number of psychological and self esteem issues that I'm slowly working through, but I really don't know what to do about my current relationship. Specifically, I don't know if this is something that could be worked out via therapy, or if I just can't/won't do this bi thing anymore. Idek what kind of advice someone could give about a situation like this other than "get thee to a therapist" but at least writing it out like this helped me unload some uncomfortable shit I've been sitting on for a while.
No. 187604
Okay where do I even begin with this one
My work colleague who became like one of my best friends over the last year or so has been acting really weird and suddenly blanking me and I don't know what to do.
So, he's always doted on me. At first we annoyed the hell out of eachother, and over time as I grew here we became really good friends, it's almost endearing now. We're inseperable and everyone jests how we're a duo, and I've noticed in more recent months that he's become more affectionate, like he'll pat my head or be close to me, he compliments me, but he's been so much like a big brother that it's hard to really know if it's a crush or if he sees me as a friend.
Anyway, we had a night out this weekend and as it progressed he got more affectionate, like stroking my back, my hair, being impressed by my thigh strength when we wrestled, finding excuses to be close to me, he walked me home and we held hands all the way and he looked after me so I wouldn't fall in any puddles, I was really drunk. He came to my flat so I could make him a tea before he took his bus home, and he asked me if he could spoon me, and I said I was okay where I was, I was afraid of crossing any lines, but when he got sleepier and apologised for being comfy I said I'd spoon him for three minutes then let him go- because I felt okay being the big spoon but being the little spoon and having his crotch against my butt felt too much? Sorry if I'm weird, nonny friends. So I did and he became the most relaxed I have ever seen him, he held my hand against his chest under his chin and he said he was tearing up because it had been so long since he felt safe like that. His ex was abusive and he's seemed so much happier since they broke up a year ago. But I had to let him go home and I didn't think I could forgive myself if he stayed over, so I let him go and he was really understanding. We messaged a lot over the weekend but as of yesterday he's suddenly started ignoring me and I feel like he's avoiding me and I'm so confused. Is he conflicted? Is he shitting himself? He has perfect memory of the events so I don't know if it was drunkness, at first I thought it's beer goggles but he has full memory so, what? I don't know. But I feel really sad and worried that I've made him hate me.
No. 187615
>>187604Ngl this sounds like something right out of a kdrama, and guys don't just start rubbing up on your hair and back if they're not interested in you in some way. From what you've written here, you haven't done anything wrong, and it's difficult to ascertain why he's not talking to you right now. Maybe he feels like he overstepped his bounds or something, idk. The best and imo only thing to do is try to ask him what's up and tell him what you told us, that you worry you've pushed him away. Are you still interacting at work? If not, it might be better to shoot him a text saying all that.
Good luck anon, I'm rooting for you no matter the outcome.
No. 187616
>>187603That's a tough one
nonny, a therapist would certainly be helpful. When you had sex with your boyfriend before, did you enjoy yourself and were you turned on then? Was there anything that happened recently which seemed to
trigger your reticence and disgust? I'm just going to assume for a sec that you are bisexual, and when dealing with sexual trauma in general, sometimes you can end up jumping into things too quickly or there are backslides. Do the two of you cuddle a lot and do nonsexual physical things together (massage, dancing, just regular makeout sessions), and do you enjoy that? It could be that you need to "build up" to actual sex again.
That being said, it seems like you're strongly attracted to women and possibly not into guys sexually at all. I think if you find that you can't and don't want to be involved with men sexually while you're dealing with these things, you just have to let your boyfriend know and go your own ways. It seems like he will be understanding, so at least there's that. It's not your fault that you were victimized and it's not your fault that you're dealing with subsequent confusion and anxiety, you just have to address things as they come and be frank about it with your partner rather than keeping him around with a sense of false hope. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
No. 187662
>>187641Dude
nothing about this is okay. You have essentially become a single working mother of two WHILE studying because of a useless boyfriend and HIS addicted mother. You are barely outside of childhood yourself and are at a pivotal stage in your life. Do not let this situation ruin your opportunities and education. Holy shit. You need to leave this guy, he is clearly showing you he is a useless individual and would be an even more useless father, for fuck's sake he refuses to even care for his siblings at nearly 30 years of age. Anon I hate to sound like an ass because the kids don't deserve too be abandoned, but this is not your fault, it's not your responsibility, it's not even your fucking family. You need to leave and focus on yourself. I've known too many women (including myself) who threw away golden opportunities because of shitbag scrotes at a young age. You do not want to be here again, 5+ years later, complaining about how much you resent your ex because his idiocy caused you to fail all your classes and drop out of uni and now you're working at fucking McDonalds. This is serious. GET OUT.
No. 187688
>>187641This sounds so awful and honestly, there is no easy way where you won't feel like shit.
Best to think like a man in this case and get the fuck out. You are paying university tuition.
Don't let it slip so youre paying back your loans because his family failed all over your life.
All the best to you anon and I hope for your success
No. 187754
>>187641>Any advice for how to get through to him or phrase things so he understands my pov?Since telling you to leave him is probably not what you want to hear at least give him an ultimatum, it's the best way to get to a scrote, tell him this isn't your mess and you don't need to be part of it. If he doesn't listen then you know what you have to do.
BUT
Nonna you have to break up with him and leave you know this too deep down. I know it seems cold hearted but think about this rationally, you're only 23, you don't need this shit.
> while their mom gets control over her life. You know how rare is for this to happen?
Please love yourself and leave.
No. 187819
>>187641It's not that easy to get put into foster care, separating kids from relatives is the absolute last thing they want to do. He's not an addict or abuser, just lazy af and neglectful. Chances are he would step up if you werent doing the work for him.
Anyway, he is a bad person and you need to break up with him. Shit, even if you kept living with him for the kids sake you need to dump him. He WONT listen and he WONT change. Why? Because he benefits from being a shitty person- he gets his free time and his games and his sleep, and kids wont change his life whatsoever. Many actual fathers are the same, it's very common. It's kind of a blessing that you've got hard evidence so early that he is an unfit partner and parent, now you'll never have kids of your own with him if you know what's good for you.
No. 187826
>>187616To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I did enjoy it all that much. It sometimes felt kinda good when I was on top and could be a bit more dom-y I guess but I still felt weird during and afterwards. I think all of this started when I realized my bf simply getting off to sex with me/my body/making me feel good and vice versa, even though he was being completely vanilla and even sweet about it, just filled me with revulsion and panic. He wasn't even doing scrotey shit like demanding anal or degrading positions or whining about not having sex more - he was literally just being a regular ass heterosexual dude who loves his partner and it still made me feel gross.
I really should just tell him I can't do it anymore. I don't want to, because everything else about the relationship is practically ideal, but it's just not fair to him to continue like this no matter how much we might care about each other. Thanks for telling it to me straight
lol, I think I needed to hear that.
No. 187841
>>187832“Best” case, he’s simply not serious about you, worse case, you’re a side chick. Imo, dump him. You can directly ask why he hasn’t made introductions, but honestly there are no good answers. Possibly would make sense if he had an
abusive family and severed ties with them, but a good partner would make you aware of that and explain earlier on, and there’s no reason not to introduce you to friends.
No. 187852
>>187841I'm usually all up in these threads telling everyone to dump their bf but in this case, idk. I could imagine there being legit reasons, maybe he's worried his family will embarrass him or they're annoying about his gfs or something like that. Maybe he simply doesn't consider it a very important step in a relationship, and isn't actively avoiding it but just hasn't got around to organizing something.
I would ask him straight out first and if he's evasive or can't give a good answer, THEN dump him.
No. 187864
>>187641You assumed the replacement-mother role too eagerly. Women tend to automatically assume (co-)responsiblity when the task of taking care of kids falls on the lap of our partner and as a result we do most of the work. This is exactly why research has shown that women still do the bulk of the household work and taking care of the kids despite working equal hours as our male partners, it's because we assume the mother-role too easiy and men let us take it too easily because that's comfy for them. So don't do that, don't take his work, his respomsibility of taking care the kids when it's his job. Sure as his partner you could help him out here and there but only AFTER you've finished your uni work. The bulk of the work should NOT fall on your lap and you should NOT TAKE IT. You naturally assumed the mother role and your boyfriend naturally went along with it because that's most comfortable for him. He's complaining now but you've but him in a far, far too comfortable position. Yes, I'm blaming you as much as I'm blaming him, you shouldn't have taken all that work just because he's your boyfriend when you know full well you should be focusing on your education and future.
Redraw the help you've been giving him and tell him you're going back to focusing 100% on your university work and that this isn't your job. Make your boundaries very clear, taking care of the kids can NOT come at a sacrifice of your education. He'll step up then, but he'll only do it when he's put in a position where he has no other choice but to do so. Remember that many full-time working single mothers exist in this world, if they can do it so can he.
No. 187883
>>187832I would usually say that 6 months really isn't long into dating so not but panic yet.. but if he's met your parents and if everyone has hinted at wanting the meet each other and he's just avoiding it..he maybe has some underlying doubts about you two lasting.
You need to talk to him but if he's already pretty avoidant about this then he may not give up his real thoughts even if pressed. If he won't open up or give you a decent explanation I would dip rather than investing more time in this. There's a communication issue there already. Dating someone who'll string you along and not communicate on obvious issues only gets more stressful as time goes on. You deserve clear communication.
No. 187890
>>187884>>187886When I was younger I wanted to meet parents much quicker than I do now. I think just going through a couple of bad break ups made me more cautious about it.
I've had a relationship turn really
abusive and for months after the split my dad would talk about 'how nice he was' even though I told my dad that things turned pretty dark in the end. He wouldn't listen and it was a punch in the gut every time I had to hear him say it. It could be a past experience putting him off. Sometimes it feels embarrassing to even go through a regular old break up when you know you have to tell everyone who'd become attached to them.
No. 187892
>>187886Have you two argued a lot in your relationship this past 6 months? There might just be factors that he feels unsure of in your relationship.
I asked my bf what he thinks from a guys perspective, he said they are really straightforward and if he was embarrassed of his family he would have told you already. And 6 months is a pretty long time to hold off on that if you really truly see this girl in the story of your life.
Sadly the most likely answer is that he doesn't see your relationship going anywhere in the long term.
No. 187911
>>187906I'd say making solid and doable plans for your future (but maybe at 6 months it's still a bit early for that), being supportive, loyal, and respectful of the relationship (not liking instathots photos or having weird boundaries with other girls), loving and showing you loving gestures from time to time.
Overall if he's a solid partner you can rely on, I wouldn't worry about the parents yet.
Personally maybe 9 months in would be when I'd start to worry a bit. Maybe he's nervous about it, maybe he's a bit embarrassed of them, their house might be small or not tidy and so on. But like I said, I hate meeting the parents so I can't relate to wanting that sooner.
No. 187920
>>187900Most normal people consider this a big/positive step and are excited to introduce their partner to their family if they have a good relationship with them. Unless, of course, they don't intend to keep said partner around for very long. Plus why keep her away from his friends as well?
This could all be demystified and resolved very easily if the anon opened her mouth to ask why he hasn't done these things. Communication is one of the most important things in relationships. Why isn't she asking? Afraid not to be the "cool girl" and seem like she's pushing for commitment too soon? Not a good sign, even if the guy isn't actually dodgy. It's a simple freaking question.
No. 187927
>>187926Jumping right to cheating accusation sounds a little extreme, not like he'd admit if you somehow guessed it anyway. Tell him you've noticed these little things and encourage him to share his thoughts on your two sexual life in general; maybe he has some issue unrelated to sex that influences it somehow? Have a conversation basically.
Also wow, 40 minutes, I'd die of boredom probably.
No. 187931
there's this guy I'm seeing and I've been extremely slow on being serious with him because I recently went through a really serious and devastating relationship where the dude was an asshole/serial cheater and lied for years to me etc etc. The new dude knows all about this, and has been some what understanding.
But lately he's been really pushy about being more serious. He wants me to meet his parents, he wants to tell everyone we're a couple (for the record, we're both not seeing other people, I just know I'm not emotionally ready to be in love I guess). He talks about marrying me and having kids, he's pushing me to 'improve' my mental health (I'm still dealing with the depression of the abuse from my ex) but in ways that make me feel like he's controlling me, being way too pushy, and whenever I ask him to stop he says I'm not being sensitive to HIS feelings, that I'm hurting HIM by not doing those things, even when I've been clear about things.
The last fight we had he blew up at me for taking a phone call from my ex who was calling to make sure I was prepared to go there the next day to pick up some stuff from our old place and essentially organizing our schedules. He BLEW up with me, saying I was cucking him by picking up the phone call, and said I was being insensitive to his feelings, and I just started crying and he KEPT drilling down at me how I'm rude/insensitive to the point I had to begged him to stop and he wouldn't. It wasn't until I literally just agreed with everything he said he stopped. I've been feeling really awful ever since.
I honestly get anxiety thinking about him and I'm scared to even tell him I don't want to be with him anymore because I know for a fact he'll blow up at me for 'stringing him along' even when I've been clear about how I feel about things. He also has weird very neurotic mannerism that drive me crazy. I tried to talk to him in the morning about the problem and he said 'there's a time and place to talk about issues and right now it's not, I'm tired.' like he's always controlling the conversation.
I really regret ever even doing anything with him. All my friends are telling me to tell him to fuck off but I'm legitimately worried he's going to try to do something to hurt me when I tell him.
No. 187944
>>187927Thank you. I will try to bring this up today. I already know that he has issues with performance anxiety and lasting a long time and I already have a higher sex drive than he does anyway. I guess it just sticks out bc I feel like in the last couple of months he’s been doing better, but I really could just be overreacting. Plus, I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff online about women noticing their partner lasting a long time then finding out they were cheating that’s kind of added to my fears.
>>187935thank you, tbh I think I’m prolly a bpdfag. I really need to remember the last part of what u said, i always just kind of infer how he feels and I always default to the negative. Like he must not be attracted to me, he must not love me, etc. when he has never given me any real reason to doubt him.
No. 187946
>>187931I've been in the situation where I feared either assault or some sort of revenge plan upon breaking up with a guy. That tells you alot about who you've been dating…when you have to consider those as real possibilities.
The longer you're with this guy though the more that fear will build in you, he'll only get more controlling and feel more entitled to you the longer you date. If it's safe to do so then let your family or friends know the situation and then given his temper this is one of those times where breaking up from a distance is appropriate. Be clear that your mind won't be changed by anything he does. Make all your language sound final. You used the word pushy so many times in your post that I'm guessing he's the type that also needs to be blocked on every number and email address the moment you break up too.
No. 187949
File: 1622058784310.png (1.35 MB, 1000x939, 1571910301257.png)
I kinda wanna ask. I'm kinda new to this board I've only used 4chan before but i cannot really say this out there I'm sorry if I'm at the bad place. But I'm 22 this year. And i have never before not to kiss but haven't held the hand of a boy. I'm a tomboyish person many would judge me to lesbian and leave it like that. No one's really brave to approach me nor I'd meet many who would try to approach. Is it over for me? Do i still have a chance to have a relationship in life or am I doomed and it's too late for me?
No. 187950
>>187949I had my first relationship at 22 and many of my friends started dating around 23. They have long term bfs now. Most of the guys I know are also on their first or second gfs.
Don't worry you're around the age a lot of people start dating, you're not abnormal.
No. 187952
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>>187950Thank you for answer. It's kinda feels good to hear I'm not that bad. It's mostly because the stigma around my family that at age 20' many already have/had child and I'm not even experienced yet in a relationship. So i get a lot I'm not normal. Nice to hear reassuring words thank you
(avatarfag) No. 188106
>>187952I think it might depend on your social circle. I go to a long university so most of the people there aren't really thinking about marriage and children until 30ish.
It seemed to me like everyone is in a relationship when I was 21 and still single too. Once I started dating and talking to people, I realized people are more inexperienced than you'd think.
I honestly don't know anyone (men or women) that had more than 2 proper longer relationships and I'm 26. Some had many flings from tinder or clubs but still no more than 2 proper bfs/gfs.
So don't worry
nonnie!
I also recommend dating apps, it didn't help me find a bf but it helped me gain some experience and confidence talking with guys (but don't let them cross your boundaries! Be careful).
No. 188110
>>188109Are you American? Serious question, I've noticed Americans settle down super early and start popping out kids by their late 20s already.
It could just be a cultural thing, where I'm from people don't settle down until their mid-30s and we still live with our parents because we can't afford to rent or buy a home, or indeed get married. But to be quite honest, even people who can just don't want to - we've got wide social circles and love spending lots of time with friends in coffee shops, which you can't do as much with kids in the picture.
Go at your own pace, don't get pressured into doing things you don't want to, it will just make you miserable. Men like having steady gfs because they get a free emotional tampon and mommy bangmaid, women have a lot less to gain from it.
No. 188112
>>188110I'm from Central Europe and it's exactly like that for me too.
I'm 26 and people are really surprised when they hear some of their friends get married. No one I know has children yet.
Guys I know don't aim to have bandgmaids like you said, most had one to max three gfs or are single.
But yeah, in middleschool some people were dating and having sex but those usually were people that didn't aim for much in life (honestly don't know how to say it nicer - usually they were smoking, drug using aggressive bullies that didn't know how to use protection).
People I know who dated in highschool all but one (religious) couple broke up in a really dumb way so it wasn't really worth it that much anyway. Now at mid twenties a lot of people around me are single because they don't have time to date or are just taking a break. Still, many people I know are now having their first loves.
I'd say in my culture never being in a relationship starts being weird only after around 25.
No. 188345
File: 1622217395894.png (165.55 KB, 400x250, raw.png)
hey guys, would it be unreasonable for me to ask my roommate not to start a band with my boyfriend? he came over the other night and we all hung out together and they were both chatting about how they want to start bands, then the next day my roommate said to me that she wished she had asked him to start a band with her. I lightly entertained it at the time but the more I think about it the more uncomfortable I feel about them having a hobby together independently of me. it would be different if they had known each other beforehand but they met when I moved in here and it has the potential to get awkward if the two of us break up or something. I just don't want to be one of those horrible girlfriends who's jealous of anyone else talking to their boyfriend. am I being an asshole?
No. 188377
>>187931Gonna be real af here and say that I'm getting some mean girl rebound vibes from this post. My spidey senses tell me you're not telling the full story of how the relationship began and maybe even the emotional burdens you could have placed upon your partner. Classic cluster b bullshit.
Have you ever thought that perhaps taking a break from dating was the way to go before entering another victimizing cycle where you seemingly don't want to take accountability for your own actions and choices in romantic partners? I would have had some sympathy for you if it weren't so blatantly clear that you did string this person along, and now that there are emotional consequences for how you treated this person, you seem to feel out of control. There is a lot of projection happening in your post.
So, in terms of advice: Tell him you want to break up. Take a break from dating. Work on your personality and maybe take up a hobby. Go to therapy. Stop playing the
victim.
No. 188385
>>188377I don't really understand how I was stringing him along. I was very clear from the very start I did not feel emotionally ready for a relationship and was only okay with occasionally hooking up/talking about our hobbies. Every single time he asked, I'd say the same thing. I even purposed space until I felt ready but he really didn't want to. I told him if that was the case, he needs to respect that I wasn't ready and that's all we could be. It wasn't until it got to the point I said in the post that it started to really get down on me that I couldn't even really be friends with him anymore either. If that's me stringing someone along, then sure, I was in the wrong here. But I don't… Think so? I'm not sure.
On that note, I don't know why so many people here instantly go to 'cluster b!! BPD!!!' but no, I do not have that lol. I go to therapy, I have depression/anxiety. I'm getting treatment for that, and it's definitely not an easy process but it's going.
The thing is, part of the reason we even became friends was because he too was also dealing with a horrible cheating ex. I was in the unfortunate situation of finding out my ex was cheating on me while he was there in front of me as we worked together at this point, on the phone (and the ensuing breakdown that that caused, which was embarrassing to say the least). I also helped him through his own breakup issues with his ex, so it wasn't so much just one of us doing 'emotional labor'.
Thank you for your input though, but a lot of your post sounds like you're grasping at straws. It's mostly my fault as I could been more clear in my post… I just didn't want it be any longer than it already was. But you are right to a degree, I really do think I should just not even bother being friends with any guys at all right now, LET ALONE fwb.
I think it just sucks that I can't even be friends with a dude without it becoming a situation where they're slowly pushing me to sleep with them/be with them, even when boundaries are set.
No. 188389
>>188377As if anon being uncertain about deeper commitment is in any way as damaging and
abusive as shrieking at your partner for taking a phone call, blaming and harassing them when they ask you to stop until they start crying, and overriding their boundaries because he wants to move forward on things she's not ready for. He could, y'know, calmly explain that it seems like there's a difference in priorities and move on, but instead he's trying to strong-arm anon to the point she's afraid of physical reprisal. Imagine trying to scare someone into marrying you and calling that love. Fuck you and the
victim-blaming horse you rode in on.
No. 188395
Okay anons I need advice here.
I recently broke my ankle and had surgery. I live with my boyfriend and housemate, currently my housemate is visiting his boyfriend so it's just my boyfriend and I. My boyfriend's been helping me out since the surgery: driving me to appointments, changing and cleaning my surgical wound, helping me shower, making me food, etc. I buy takeout in place of me making food to give him a break and since I can't stand long enough. He's also taking care of my cat and my housemates cat (feeding, litter).
My boyfriend has gotten stressed from all of the work but in my experience, it's not really a lot, but I've been trying to be understanding because it seems like a lot to someone who hasn't been socialized to do chores and take care of people.
We need to go grocery shopping and have needed to for the past few days. He said he was going to do so today. Im at work (from home) and haven't heard from him in a while so I go check and he's in bed. I ask about groceries:
>"Well I was gonna go but I feel depressed, it's raining, and I have to shop for three people all by myself, and bring it up the stairs to our kitchen, and I just don't feel well"
I'm a little ticked off and disappointed because grocery shopping isn't that hard, especially since we have a car. Like women do this for their households all of the time and this isn't a really a lot, especially because he didn't do anything else today and doesnt have work. The ghetto in me wants to hobble over there and pull his ass out of bed to get food but I also get it cause I deeply understand depression and anxiety…. But also he needs to get his ass out. Am I being too laid back here? Also where should I draw the line between letting him child from being a temp caretaker and pushing him to do things?
No. 188402
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>>188396>Most people are normal The majority of men are entitled and controlling because they see it portrayed as normal throughout the rest of society. Also, you're literally blaming a woman for not being socialized to blame the shit out of herself for her partner's childlike and destructive behavior. How feminist. Did you ever consider that maybe she is more aware of and sensitive to men's manipulative behaviors precisely because she was previously in an
abusive relationship for years? People tend to see the symptoms more easily after that.
No. 188403
>>188401I'm 25 he's 30.
>What an immature, literal manchild.Thanks, I'm a lil bitch and I needed to hear it from someone else to be sure.
>>188398>I suppose it's difficult for you because you may feel like he's already doing so much for you (driving you to appoinments, helping with the wound etc), but he can't allow himself to ignore a basic necessity like groceries just because he helps you a bit like a loving partner would. I agree with other anon, it sounds immature, but I guess I'd try to be diplomatic, say you understand he's tired but really underline how important it is the groceries are finally done and that you'd be happy to help if you could, something like that.Thanks, being diplomatic at first is the right idea. But I also just feel really fucking annoyed because it's just grocery shopping. I've been trying to incorporate FDS shit into my life and I know this LVM shit. I wanna try to get him to do it but tbh you can't change a man's behavior when he's past the age of 25 so it feels futile.
No. 188404
>>188395Holy shit, this kind of attitude would turn me off so much. You're the one who is injured and recovering yet he makes it all about him. Imo a decent guy would be happy to get the chance to help you and show you he's reliable, a shitty guy just complains about it and acts like a
victim.
No. 188411
>>188405He actually does the majority of the cooking. I have a full time job and he has part time so he cooks and cleans more than me. Him being part time isn't an issue as he just finished his certifications, he gets money from the government from being a vet, and he's looking for other jobs. For groceries both of us and the housemate go together. We split costs evenly (he made a spreadsheet where we input all receipts and it calculates who owes who at the end of the month). Our finances are separate and we split rent evenly.
Small update, I went to him and asked him to do it since it's needed and he said he would and started getting up. That was 5 min ago and he's yet to leave the bedroom. We shall see.
No. 188416
>>188407How old is she? It's super inappropriate but personally Im not as hard on under 20s if they say stupid shit like that and don't understand that you gotta act different in a professional environment. If she does it again tho I would have alarm bells. I second what
>>188414 is saying and tell him how it's inappropriate.
No. 188418
Alright anons, it took him 15 mins to leave the bedroom and he left about 15 mins ago. Ty for the encouragement, may your skin be healthy
>>188417No problem. She has a husband and she's doing that?? She knows better and that's gross as fuck. The fact that your boyfriend told you in the first place shows that he wasn't aware of how sexual it can be or he feels comfortable with you to say that, both are good things.
No. 188427
>>188402I mean I really can’t tell what’s going on from reading a couple of posts on an image board. I just think that we shouldn’t act like any skepticism is evil misogyny. This guy doesn’t sound like a catch sure, but that anon doesn’t seem stable and getting into dating/hook ups/fwb situations after being an
abusive relationship is self harm which kinda goes with the cluster B impression that the post gave off. Speaking as someone who’s made the exact same mistake as OP, I can see how I was stupid and harmed myself further by getting involved with some sketchy dudes after a bad relationship. A little self reflection and accountability instead of victimizing myself really helped me foster a better relationship with myself.
No. 188436
>>188435I don't mind sending porn videos, even I send him one sometimes. But just photos of girls, and not even ones who look like me sucks. And I don't look bad, my boobs are small but they have a good shape, I work out a lot and take care of what I look like. Obviously not saying this to brag because I feel like shit about myself rn, but men compliment me all the time so even if I feel unlovable I know people don't think I'm unattractive.
I don't think he is being an asshole on purpose, but he is just really blind to how this affects me and when I do tell him it comes out the wrong way and then I just feel like he's insensitive because I was passive aggressive. But the truth is I'm very rarely attracted to women. We're watching Star Trek rn and I'm really attracted to Jadzia Dax, but this barely ever happens and doesn't mean that looking at random nudes does anything for me and he is aware of that. Even looking at attractive men does nothing for me, I think most women don't really get anything out of looking at nudes of either gender.
No. 188437
>>188429your boyfriend just sends you porn that makes you unhappy constantly??? anon how desensitised to this behaviour are you that you would say that so casually. please consider how much time you’re wasting with this pornsick weirdo, it clearly makes you uncomfortable and self conscious. he’s fully aware of that even if you think he isn’t
you just admitted he’s the reason your confidence has plummeted so low that you’re considering spending thousands on a surgery you’re not even fully sure you want and are basing your certainty on how he makes you feel day to day. you just admitted that he gaslights you into thinking that your perfectly understandable and acceptable feelings about what he does is just you being “jealous” or “emotional” (which of course you’re gonna be, why would you not be emotional being treated this way?) so you should know that the issue isn’t your boobs, it’s your boyfriend.
i’m not gonna say “dump him” no matter how much i want to, because the choice will always be yours at the end of the day. but PLEASE reconsider how much further you want this relationship to go. i made the mistake of wasting three years of my life with a porn addict as a freshly 18 year old and it ruined so many things for me for a long time, i needed pretty intense therapy to reverse how desensitised i had become to his deranged,
abusive bullshit.
this scrote does not care about you the way he should, his priorities are rooted in power games and cooming. don’t let him bully you into accepting his demented behaviour when you have a chance to find acceptance and love within yourself
best of luck if you stay, know that he will never abandon porn over you even if you asked him to. you’ll go through these repetitive motions for years and years and eventually you’ll reach your breaking point and leave anyway, why waste all that time when you could very easily find happiness and feel good about yourself on your own?
i’m saying all of this out of genuine concern and as someone who’s been through an almost identical experience. i hope you do what makes you truly happy, not what stops you feeling sad temporarily until something happens that makes you miserable again
No. 188441
>>188436He's not blind to how it affects you because you literally told him how it does. He simply doesn't care and thinks he's right in the matter, which he believes is more important than your feelings. Your feelings are
valid.
No. 188444
>>188437I just don't get it because he said he doesn't get that much out of looking at these pics, like he doesn't get off or anything (he watches porn but that is different and it's an LDR), and I really don't understand why he needs to send them. I usually either ignore it or point it out that the girl has implants or something so it's not like it's fun for him to send them to me or something. But it's confusing because I told him yesterday that I was considering implants again, and he was immediately not supportive of them, he said again that it's risky and was like 'just don't get them'.
I don't want to dump him over this because in a lot of ways he is great and I love spending time with him. Yesterday we spent the whole day with him watching me play Zelda and talking and it was so nice. And I really love him. But I don't get this. He has male friends he could send these to, but even then, what is the point. I also see attractive men sometimes, but I don't send him their photos. For what? I can't help but feel that he does send them to make me feel inadequate. But I also wouldn't understand that. I've been with him for about 3 years and I still love him so intensely.
I just don't trust being with someone else anyway. I feel like men are bound to fuck me over and at least he is honest. My ex was 'nice' and complimented me a lot but he was trying to hook up with everyone behind my back. And this doesn't happen daily, but it happened today and I was reading the news and being worried about whether I'd be able to go to the US in July to visit him - I was stressed out and feeling down because things don't look too great in the UK, so I'm worrying about that and then he sends me some photos of a girl with huge implants and it was just the worst timing, because it was like well, you are clearly content looking at women with bags of silicone shoved under their skin while I'm here panicking that I won't be able to see you.
>>188442Please shut up, I'm not going to detail my interests and education here because it's irrelevant. I'm not a porn addict, I watch it sometimes but if it helps you sleep at night, I watch videos by random people because professional settings don't appeal to me. I'm just not very interested in porn in general though and arguments like yours make no sense to me. Who cares if people watch it sometimes as long as it doesn't interfere with their life. It sounds like you think about porn way more than I do judging by how angry you are about this.
No. 188450
>>188444i think there’s a few glaring red flags, again i’m not telling you what to do by any means, but i’ll elaborate on them a bit:
-the invalidation of your feelings when you express genuine unhappiness with what he’s doing, this goes for any situation including ones you haven’t talked about here. the fact that he can’t accept what he’s doing is extremely damaging to you and apologise and not repeat the same behaviour again is concerning on its own without the porn aspect involved. in normal society he would be considered a sex pest for behaving the way he does, it’s the equivalent of a random scrote sending you a dick pic, except this is your long term partner who’s meant to love you and prioritise your feelings and he’s sending porn that he’s fully aware makes you feel like garbage
-the complex he has where he wants you to feel like you aren’t good enough because women in porn have things you don’t have but when it pushes you to consider actual surgery suddenly he loves you just how you are (which is a manipulation tactic, he makes you insecure and then flips it back around so that you’re not only the “jealous one” but also the one at fault for getting “emotional” as opposed to him apologising for disrespecting you and acknowledging that he has an issue, not you) he’s also probably doing that as a way to test how much you depend on his validation and how it influences your choices. he’s playing a power game with you when he does that
-his very clear issue with porn, and how much of his brain is taken up by it. it’s not normal for anyone to send porn to people, not to friends and certainly not to romantic partners. you’ve said you’re not all that into porn and only watch occasionally, but i can promise you again from experience that he is absolutely an addict and what you’re seeing is how it’s slowly bleeding into your relationship. with my ex, he would do the same thing to me. send a pornographic photo or video to me and cover up the deeper seated issue by playing it off in a joking manner no matter how uncomfortable i was. when i was playing games, he would ask me to look at his phone and he would have porn of one of the characters up on the screen. i can see you’re less anti porn than i am but you get my point, pushing boundaries is bad enough but when you add a very blatant over obsession with porn and a partner who isn’t happy with it then it becomes a huge issue
i understand that there’s more to your relationship that the negative experiences you’ve talked about in this thread, but remember that the more times he treats you poorly and doesn’t apologise, the more he’ll do it because in his ignorance he can just pretend you’ve moved on when in reality it’s chipping away at your self esteem. the good times will eventually be outweighed by the bad times and it will have to be talked about at some point. if you were to sit down and talk to him about your concerns, how would he react? would he take accountability, apologise, stop behaving in a way that you’ve expressed clear unhappiness with and work on making it up to you by reassuring you that you don’t have to change for him or be okay with what he does? or would he get defensive, twist the narrative so that you’re the one with an issue for being upset, make you solely responsible for the whole thing and then happily move on regardless of how you feel and continue to do what he was doing before?
just be cautious is all i can say, he’s most certainly not the best you can do, you’ve said that you’re an attractive woman despite minor insecurities that your boyfriend has implanted in your head in the first place. i would ask him straight up how often he’s consuming pornographic content also, i had no idea my ex even had a full on porn addiction until about a year into dating him, we were in an intimate situation and he was playing porn on the tv behind me to get off, it was horrific. they hide it incredibly well but i have a feeling your boyfriend is just as bad with how casually porn integrates into his daily life
i also understand that you’re being more accommodating to his porn consumption because you’re in a LDR, but if he “needs” porn and you’re comfortable with it you could just send him pictures of yourself and that should be more than enough for him. as much as women are unfortunately conditioned to accept it, men watching porn in relationships isn’t actually normal. they have a real woman who loves them and they choose to fantasise about other women who are being used and objectified by industries run by, you guessed it, men. you don’t have to accept that
sorry for the absolute sperg but i hope this at least opens up a conversation between the two of you that ends with him taking the accountability he needs to. i hope things work in your benefit, and however things turn out that you’re happy
No. 188457
>>188444I truly wish you the best
nonnie, but I don’t get why you came here for advice when it’s obvious you don’t want it. Your bf is so amazing because he watched you play a video game? And talked to you? That’s a really low standard. I’m just not seeing how the pros outweigh the cons here. Your post sounds like every relationship post where the girl says her bf is soooo amazing and great because he does (insert normal thing), but if only he didn’t do (insert dealbreaker). A lot of guys will spend time with you and also not compare you to girls with fake breasts. Don’t sell yourself short.
No. 188466
>>188457These posts are so fucking exhausting. Like, you want to help these obviously low self esteem anons escape a shitty relationship and be kind about it but it's hard to even be polite or sympathetic when they refuse to listen to reason. They clearly DON'T want to hear the harsh truth - that he's a bad person who doesn't love or care for them, and the only solution is to dump him. They want any alternative to that, any tiny hope, any possible way to keep the relationship alive, it's pathetic.
To OP: If he wanted you to feel loved and respected and confident, you would. But he does not love you, he does not respect you, and he doesn't think you're hot enough for him. Either dump him or live with it, don't pretend you want advice when you know what you need to do.
No. 188475
>>188466>it's an LDRWhy are so many of these long distance too? The posts truly reek of emotional desperation and loneliness. The anons aren’t even getting physical companionship or material support like shared expenses for housing and necessities, it’s always just some coomer they met online and have deluded themselves into thinking a scrote tolerating their presence and trying to turn them into the next OnlyFans
victim is the basis of a solid relationship.
No. 188514
>>188505>every time i try to engage in an "intellectual" conversation he disregards what i say. I don't if he is aware that he's doing it. But it feels like he shoots down what I say.Just communicate that, be honest and clear about your feelings. Playing games is not the right way to go about this; you don't know what he thinks or feels, he doesn't know what you think or how you feel, that can sour so easily.
And if you'd actually be suicidal if he breaks up with you you have bigger problems than impressing your boyfriend.
No. 188515
>>188505Your job/degree isn't indicative of how intelligent you are, but more of how driven you are career-wise. Some people are more passionate about things other than their career and that's completely fine. Besides, a man is supposed to be impressing you, not the other way around.
Also holy fuck, why are you obsessed and willing to kill yourself over someone who doesn't listen to you and treats you like a retard? It doesn't matter how successful he is on the outside, if he's a trash person. If you're going to become obsessed over someone at least let it be over a guy who treats you kindly and with respect.
>This is all I ever wantedAll you ever wanted was a scrote to treat you like garbage?
No. 188516
>>188505Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't acknowledge your intelligence because it's not the stereotypical STEM smarts he has is awful. You'll only get more insecure and he'll keep rejecting what you say. Like
>>188514 says, be honest and open about it and give him the chance to correct his own behavior towards you. If he doesn't want to do that or try to understand you even after you told him he's a lost cause.
Also
>first relationship>autistic boyfriend>obsessed with him to the point of suicideAnon please, it's normal to be overly attached when it's your first boyfriend. That doesn't mean he's the one for you or that you'll never love anyone else. Especially with autistic men relationships can be an uphill battle and end up miserable if you're not confident and strong enough to stand up for yourself. Try to establish a healthy social support system for yourself, spend more time with friends, just avoid a scenario where he's the only one you're close with.
No. 188517
>>188505Anon, you need to stop putting this dude on a pedestal. He is human, just like you. He poops and has diarrhea sometimes, just like everyone else.
>he disregards what i sayIs this what you want in a relationship? Is this the bar you want to set?
No. 188524
>>188520My bf is/used to be the same way, not very open about his feelings just because he doesn't really feel the need to.
The only thing I've found that works is to just be very open towards him regardless. I'm the type of person who likes to share stuff that happens to me and feelings, even if they are petty or mundane. So I just tell him all about it, and eventually he started being more open to me in return. It probably feels weird to never say anything while the other person shares stuff all the time, and doing so creates an understanding that something doesn't have to be a huge deal to share it. That normalizes the idea of just talking about whatever you feel. My bf is wayyy more open about his feelings now than before. Although he's just naturally not as eager to talk, in retrospect this was also a result of never really being able to open up during his childhood, since his parents would just talk over him and never really listen to what he had to say. Maybe a similar thing goes for your boyfriend?
No. 188533
>>188505I'm going to chime in as a diagnosed sperg: he's not being an asshole because he's autistic, he's just being an asshole.
Two of my closest friends are STEM-educated, autistic guys who work successful, "smart person" jobs that are outside of my field and they don't have exactly the same hobbies and interests as me either. However, when I talk to either one about anything 'intellectual', even when it's out of my field of study and more in theirs, they still listen to me and treat me like an intelligent person with
valid opinions. Hell, even my probably-sperg dad who is a walking engineer stereotype listens and engages when I start droning on about shit like how lipstick is made.
Your bf sounds like an arrogant prick who has attached far too much worth to his own education, and it is not fair for him to disregard your opinions and views just because you don't come from the same background as him. You deserve a lot better than someone who treats you this way. And honestly, I know how you feel, because I've been there myself. But even though the relationships in which I felt that way ended, I'm still here and I couldn't care less about those people. Please take care of yourself before worrying about some loser who doesn't value your intelligence.
No. 188548
>>188547He's basically saying he'd rather be with a woman who was unhappy with herself, than a woman who was happy with herself. But the extremity of the examples he used is just insane.
He'd rather be with a woman who was so unhappy with herself and has so deeply internalised other people's opinions of her (i.e. She can't deal with her breasts being sexualised) that she'd permanently mutilate herself.
As opposed to a woman who was happy with herself and had a healthy view of other people's opinions (i.e. That it doesn't matter what people think of her body hair), and expresses this by…. Not shaving. Does he know that hair grows back and breasts don't?
Maybe I'm reading too much into this but that's honestly a super fucked up misogynist thing to say. Does he react badly to you being confident and secure?
No. 188555
>>188547Yeah that's really stupid but I don't know if it's that deep. Scrotes are dumb and don't think about these things beyond what gets their dick hard.
To him, it's probably like top surgery = just a flat chested girl while hairy armpits = tumblr feminist. He more than likely doesn't understand that top surgery isn't the same as being naturally flat chested, and having never seen hairy armpits in porn that's the thing that seems more out there in his mind.
No. 188558
>>188547Eh I don't know, maybe. Saying he'd rather have a gf who did top surgery is very ott and extreme, but I'm a woman, have never watched porn in my life and don't like hairy armpits on anyone (women and men alike) either. Some people just really dislike bodyhair without porn influence.
>>188555>I don't know if it's that deep. Scrotes are dumb and don't think about these things beyond what gets their dick hard.Yeah that's what I think too.
No. 188647
>>188600So far the men I've been with ruined my sexual attraction themselves. I don't need to hear about how it's hard for you to wash your ass and how it never gets properly clean without showering because it's so hairy and how you even let some poor lady wax your asshole once to have it easier. This one dressed super sharp which was attractive but he changed into an adult onesie or pajama with holes once we got home and that always killed my attraction (I was always unchanged in sexy clothes and underwear to appeal to him). And to top it off he would talk (and explain extensively) for hours about how to make money or how some law works without me being interested in this after also working/studying a very difficult major for my whole day. He'd expect me to have no problem having sex right after listening to 3 hours of mansplaining.
The other one showed me how he shat out blood and frequently had to leave because of explosive diarrhea because he only ate junk food. No thanks. He also never shaved properly and had these small longer hair hidden in the corners of his mouth, I hated it so much.
No. 188656
>>188654Is he a generally introverted type? Some people prefer having others around when they're just chilling and doing nothing, but being introverted I'd definitely rather do nothing on my own and have planned activities when I'm with someone else. It's nothing against them, I'm just more comfortable not having to keep up conversation or be presentable just to sit around.
I wouldn't say it so rudely though, regardless of his reasoning that lack of tact alone is justification to not get him a nice gift.
No. 188669
>>188668Ayrt, yes it's like they don't realize we also need to feel attraction, see them being sexy and clean. I feel like men underestimate that a lot of women are also very visual/superficial and not only love them for their 'humor and personality'. I guess media and pickmes play into that trope a lot.
I only want to have sex with someone that's clean and attractive to me, I can't help that.
No. 188672
>>188668Yeah my bf is also like that. He generally has a good sense of humor but there's this immature side of him that likes grossout jokes. He'll do stuff like purposefully fart as loudly as possible and laugh about it, or telling me about it if he took a particularly notable shit.
At first I went along with it but guys don't understand that even if the first time is kinda funny the 50th time is just annoying. Also that if you go 'haha I'm so gross how the hell are you still into me' enough times it may turn into a self fulfilling prophecy where I do actually lose attraction.
No. 188673
>>188669Exactly. A man who is clean and grooms himself properly is probably one of the most attractive things ever. It's such a low bar yet the majority of men can't even do it right.
>>188672This would turn me off so much. Absolutely appalling.
No. 188738
>>188672Back in the day when I spent time on Reddit (I know) I used to see so many nlogs/pickmes say stuff like, "My bf and I are just so
comfortable with each other, it's hilarious! I love how we send pictures of poop to one another and trick each other into smelling farts! Hehe hoho aren't we just so funny!?" And like… these were women in their late 20s or older. I have a really hard time believing this level of womanchild exists, and if so, sounds like they're meant to be. But it really seems like a case of disgusting scrotes lowering women to their level, living in filth and shitting and farting with abandon. They've deluded themselves into thinking that sort of behavior is a sign of closeness when in fact it just shows the guy has zero respect for her and assumes he can treat her as carelessly as his balding beer gut friends (with the bonus of getting to use her as a masturbation aid). It truly is the Shrek fairy tale: attractive woman shacks up with ogre and eventually turns into one herself.
No. 188767
>>188738Yeah, women who are overly cool with that sort of thing tend to be the nlog type in the same vein as the "haha I love sex jokes and banter aren't I chill you guys" type.
Honestly when we just got together I was a bit too blinded by crushing on him so hard to mind it. By now though I do sometimes worry about falling into that Shrek girlfriend trap without noticing that I'm slipping in time. It's not that bad now but I have noticed that being with someone who's like that makes it way too easy to become more of a slob myself as well.
Hopefully communicating that to him will put an end to that.
No. 188806
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>>188767>Shrek girlfriend trapHaha, I love that you openly acknowedged this is a thing and plan to bring it up with your bf. Sad that a bare minimum of manners is rare for scrotes, but that's how it goes. Hope he's one of the good ones who'll listen and step it up for you
nonny.
No. 188810
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>>188803When you say "awful" was the guy bad to you or were things so great it was awful that circumstances or changing goals pulled you apart? In the case of the former I recommend making a list of shitty things he did so you can read it whenever you start romanticizing the good parts and remind yourself that the person you fell in love with didn't exist in full and that you deserve better. I don't really have experience with the latter, but part of any breakup is just acknowledging that it's going to suck and hurt for a while. Unfortunately you can't rush things but you can understand that the feelings will eventually lessen and pass. Reading stories from other people about their experiences moving on after relationships was comforting to me, since they helped me keep perspective and avoid fixating on what I'd lost rather than all I'd gained in terms of the freedom of singledom and potentially better partners in the future.
It also helped to watch more light-hearted and funny media, since in the midst of being an emo sadgirl it can feel like you'll never laugh and smile again, and it's good to remind yourself that's not the case. I don't know what genres you like but some funny anime I've enjoyed are Asobi Asobase, Jungle wa Itsumo no Hare Nochi Guu, Excel Saga, One Punch Man, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and maybe Ore Monogatari and Kamisama Kiss. The last two are really cute and good but they do have strong romance elements. Not sure if you feel the same but it was pretty hard for me to watch romantic stuff for a while after my breakup so you may want to skip over those until it's been a few months.
No. 188814
>>188810He was an awful person, wasn't the entire time but that's how it goes. Thanks for the suggestion about the list, will do that now.
I agree, I don't think I'm ready for any kind of romcoms/romance stuff. Pretty sure I'll end up crying a lot haha. I've seen a few of the animes you suggested and love them, I'll check the others I haven't you listed, thank you!
No. 188821
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>>188814Sorry to hear it, I know how that is. Depending on how shitty he was and if you aren't against some measure of reflection on the relationship, you may want to read
Why Does He Does That? (Bancroft) to reconfirm you're not crazy for wanting to get away from your ex. There's also this free doc from a psychologist that discusses
abusive/manipulative tactics but just bluntly labels guys who act this way as "losers," which I appreciated:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.htmlStuff like this made me feel vindicated because it was tough separating the good from the bad in the immediate aftermath. Not to mention it was almost impossible to talk to other people (outside of a therapist), both because they wouldn't have understood and I was embarassed about the things I grew to accept. Also, unironically check out FDS, Female Level Up Strategy and Ask FDS on Reddit. They seem to get a bad rap around here but for the most part I find the members very affirming and it's nice to absorb content from other women who are staunchly against catering to scrotes and putting up with bullshit. It will remind you to maintain your standards moving forward while focusing on your personal goals. Best wishes to you, I'm glad you're away from him now.
No. 188828
>>188825On one hand it’s like, I do think women are socialized to be needlessly obsessive about normal bodily functions and shouldn’t be shamed for having them. It’s not the end of the world if you fart or use the toilet in front of a partner. Every now and then it
is funny. But when guys have very poor hygiene or don't bother to obscure any of their expulsions so that it becomes a habit, it’s just not conducive to romance, ya know? I want to be comfortable with my partner but not to the extent that either of us starts acting like a 5-year-old sibling. If a man wants me to find him hot and intriguing then he can’t be constantly gassing up the joint. But I think whatever level of candidness in your relationship is totally fine
nonny, so long as you feel it’s not negatively impacting the intimate side of things.
No. 188930
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>>188909Some of these may be difficult due to COVID depending on your area, but -
Hiking/backpacking
Exercise together
Yoga
Explore a part of your neighborhood/city you've never been before
Video and board games
Bouldering and rock climbing gyms
Cooking class or try new recipe together
Rent kayak or paddle board
Rent motorized scooters
Swimming and surfing
Arts and crafts: painting, pottery, glassblowing, woodworking, sewing, blacksmithing, jewelry making, candle pouring, refurbish an old piece of furniture
Get drunk and sing karaoke together
Read a book aloud to each other in bed
Go-karting
Take pictures together
Fishing and clamming
Volunteer together (food kitchen, Habitat for Humanity, beach cleanup)
Have a bbq
Learn a new language together and test one another
Beer, wine, kombucha, some specialty drink tasting
Escape rooms
Zoo, aquarium
Shooting/archery range
Dance lessons
Museums
Wander around farmers markets
Concert
Botanical gardens
Paintball and laser tag
Spa day/couples massage
Geocaching
Arcade
Go thrifting, browse antique shops, look for local estate sales
Rent a fancy airbnb for a weekend
No. 189083
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ladies how do i make my bf totally in love with me, obsessed with me, dependant on me?
No. 189085
>>189083depends on the guy but usually:
- Act like you don't care
- Occasionally give him attention where he feels mega important (hot/cold)
- Be 'sassy'
- Don't be open about how much you like him/need him/want him
I HATE being like this but it works every time with most guys.
No. 189095
>>189094yeah I was the anon who said the hot/cold/ignoring thing and this 100%. It works only on shitty men with issues, and it only works for so long you can play that 'game' where they feel like they conquer you. THE MOMENT they do, within at most 1-2 years, they get bored and start going for other girls doing the same, often times behind your back.
I swear these guys have mommy issues. Or were raised without a dad and need to make up for it by conquering, but yeah..
Anyways your best best is finding a guy who loves your attention and gives it back to you x2.
No. 189114
>>189110I've known a lot of anti social guys who go out of their way and ask you a million questions about you because they are attracted to you.
If a guy is really attracted to you, he'll want to know everything about you, because in his eyes you're extremely interesting/cool/unique. Even if it's weird or awkward questions, or him relating you to him, he WILL talk to you about you.
If he doesn't, do your heart a favour and dump him before you get too attached. He will never suddenly show interest, this is as good as it gets if he's really claiming he loves you right now.
No. 189121
>>189095Yup, men like that are sad and pathetic and use women as a way to validate themselves.
>>189110How long have you known him? My boyfriend was like this in the beginning. It really annoyed me because it didn't feel like he cared about my opinion what I had to say. When I talked to him about it, he apologized and he told me that his friends/family expected him to constantly be talking and he thought by doing this he was "entertaining" me. Turns out he was really nervous and scared that I would get bored and leave if he wasn't constantly going on about something. Now that he's less in his own head, he's always asking me questions and my opinions on things.
Normally I'd say dump his ass if I didn't have this perspective, but talk to him about and see what he says. Kinda depends on your investment and how acts otherwise though. Even before I talked to my boyfriend about his issue I could tell he cared about me in other ways.
No. 189122
>>189097From all your posts, it sounds like he hardcore likes you and is aware that you don't like him back, and is embarrassed about being drunk at your house and crying from cuddling. Don't get drunk with coworkers you have a 'bond' with that may not be just platonic and then let them come to your house and get vulnerable. Speaking from direct experience lmao.
Let this poor sap down easy and accept that it's going to be weird for a while.
No. 189126
>>189097Do you have problems with self-esteem or something? This is the second time you've said you're scared he hates you now. That's kind of abnormal in a situation where you clearly know you haven't done anything wrong. Other than than that I think
>>189122 is likely right.
No. 189132
>>176530That all depends, what subreddit was he on?
Was he on one specifically for porn, or was it a subreddit where nsfw images can occasionally be posted?
No. 189134
>>177152Happiness is a choice. I've been though some really bad stuff in my life, and I chose to look at the positives and find the solutions to my problems.
There are no easy fixes, life is messy. Giving up on a relationship isn't always the best option especially if there are children involved. Ultimately you need to demand respect in a relationship, children are the same way, they will walk all over you if you let them.
No. 189140
I've been dating this guy for 8 months. He's terrible at communicating but treats me well and I do feel like I love him. He does try, but I feel like our love languages are way too off. I'm his first "real" relationship, and he does sweet things for me, but what I really want out of a partner is words of affirmation. I've told him this, and he tries, but he just doesn't really get it. He also really struggles with being able to convey his feelings, he's a very awkward person and because of his lack of being able to open up fully, he does not have many super close friends.
Even though I love my current boyfriend, I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with my ex too. My ex and I were super toxic and he ended up cheating on me which is why we broke up. However, the one thing was that he was amazingly supportive. He always said all the right things to me and I loved waking up to sweet messages about memories we shared and why he loved me.
I know most people prefer actions > words, but I can't help but miss the feeling of being told such sweet things. My current boyfriend is not sentimental really at all.
I do love him and I want a future with him, but idk if our incompatibilities are too much. I do feel happy with him most of the time, and I feel like I can actually trust him.
My friends tell me if I'm not 100% happy to find someone who I can be 100% happy with, but I feel that person doesn't even exist. Seeing my friends swipe on dating apps through all the guys who look like fuckboys, are broke, sadbois, etc. and then hearing the horror stories my friends have with guys just seems exhausting to try dating again when I don't even think I'll find someone better or be happier with someone else.
Am I settling or just facing reality? I feel like I need to make a solid choice now on whether or not to just commit to this entirely and stop thinking about other things, or let it go and try to find "Mr. Perfect"
No. 189151
>>189140>My friends tell me if I'm not 100% happy to find someone who I can be 100% happy withI think it's a pretty maximalist approach.
I understand your feelings, have a similar situation. Really enjoyed talking with my ex, and my bf isn't big on discussing things and not as entertaining. But he has lots of other good qualities and our relationship is much better. I've recently decided to forget about ex and focus on what I have now, and I feel happier.
Maybe you need some more time before you get over him completely. The most important thing here is that you weren't really happy with him after all. It's natural that you miss this nice thing about him, and his "positive side" in general, but there was this
toxic side as well, and things between you two didn't work out for a reason. With the current guy though, you say you feel happy most of the time and he treats you well. I don't think it's possible to be happy with someone all the time and I highly doubt that it's easy to find someone just as good but with this one quality that you miss. Plus, who knows, maybe your bf needs more time to open up in this regard. And even if not, it's still better when a guy is more about nice actions than sweet words, in my opinion. Smooth talkers can be full of shit and, in my experience, are more in love with the idea of love than being able to actually love in a mature way.
No. 189166
File: 1622594547227.jpeg (34.01 KB, 452x678, 54316404-3670-4BB4-B569-F0E398…)
>LDR BF
> 6 months
> I’ve met his family
> I’m his first girlfriend
Today I discovered his uni friends don’t know I exist
Help
No. 189307
>>18929511 hour drive
2 hour plane
He’s said before he doesn’t talk to them about their personal life should I believe him?
No. 189319
>>189316Recognize when you feel like cannot trust him your are projecting the threads of your own narrative onto him. You aren't seeing him for his actions, you're seeing him through a lens you've carried with you because of your life experiences are such.
If you can recognize you're not seeing his actions and him for who he is, that is a good grounding point to start with. I like to think of my choice to trust as me basing that on facts that pertain to my bf, whereas me not trusting is not based on facts pertaining to my bf, they're facts pertaining to other people, to the past. I hope this helps a bit.
No. 189329
>>189314Female friends
His friends from school know about me
No. 189476
File: 1622657742443.jpeg (73.09 KB, 828x629, catbeer.jpeg)
I'm in a bit of a weird situation that makes me feel like I don't know what I'm really feeling and like I could be shallow and I don't know what to do. I broke it off with my long-term ex over a month ago and have been seeing a new guy. My ex is European, taller, slim, kind of model-ish. I routinely had people comment on how beautiful he was. It was almost a status symbol thing with some people. Problem was, he just wasn't great to me after a while…so I got fed up! Why be with a judgmental, immature asshat just because he's hot? I met a new guy who lives way closer to me than my ex, but he's much shorter than my ex and has some pretty obvious physical flaws. He's prone to breakouts (like me kek) and has a lot of scarring, badly needs serious dental work. He's got beautiful long hair, but it's a total mess right now and he hides it. I think he's cute regardless, he has a lot going for him otherwise physically imho. His smile and his laugh warm my heart, I get lost in his eyes, he has a big heart and makes me feel safe. I feel like his ~flaws~ are "fixable" and he has told me he wants to do something about them, I think he's just doesn't know where to start or is concerned about cost/missing work for some of it.
My family keeps asking if I'm really into him in a way that makes it sound like they think I'm settling on looks or I can't possibly be into him the way I was into my ex. It's kind of like "well…he's…nice?" and telling me not to hurt him because he's geeky. I don't know if they judge him because he's less stylish, works a blue collar job (my ex makes less than he does), and comes from a pretty poor background; he self describes his family as white trash, whereas my ex came from a middle class background, dressed very well, and sounded posh. It's planting doubts in my head that don't really exist when I relax around him and we get to be alone. I don't feel the same type of excited butterflies or whatever I did with my ex all the time, but this guy just makes me feel safe whenever I'm around him. I have bad anxiety, so that's kind of a big deal. I don't feel like I'm on thin ice with him the way my ex made me feel, and I think the ups and downs were part of what caused the butterflies with him. I don't know how to deal with the judgement and the thought of him dealing with it himself hurts. I'm tired of getting the mocking looks or being asked about my ex. My ex is an ass and I don't want to embarrass myself going into detail about it to people!
I guess my question is a two parter. How do I deal with people comparing my new guy to my very hot ex (since people don't know the extent of things being bad) and how do I tastefully help my new guy with these very fixable physical things? The teeth thing is actually kind of concerning and a turnoff so it's justified; my parents both asked me about it, but not in a judgy way, just out of concern and having had friends/family with similar problems. The other is just needing a dermatologist and some recommendations/a skincare routine. He brought all of it up to me himself without me asking, but I don't want to make him feel bad, just to encourage him to take care of himself. I think a bout of depression related to work/finances this past year just kicked his ass and that he wants to try to undo stuff, but it's overwhelming to start with and he's angry at himself about it. I'm also just getting scared shitless by people suggesting I'm only rebounding or lonely and it's not that I really like him romantically.
No. 189480
File: 1622659315758.jpg (6.61 KB, 81x293, 116582467_178880666948716_2365…)
>>189476I mean I kind of get where they're coming from because it's only been a month and you're with this new guy already. It's a given that they're going to be skeptical, especially since his looks aren't too great. The problem isn't that he's not hot, he's not just average either which would've be fine.. but he's a little repulsive? According to you his teeth turns you off. I also don't believe in fixing men. They either come to you whole or nearly there with their own plan to improve, because otherwise you fall into the trap of "well if I help him fix this and this and that, then things will be better." What if it doesn't happen? Are you fine with that?
So with these concerns, I would take a deep breath,
slow your ass down, and proceed with caution also to not get yourself too sunk in to this relationship so soon, to the point where sunk-cost fallacy becomes an issue. As for your friends/family, even if they're right and such and such, ignore their comments and do not bring your bf up. If they do, tell them they are not helping with their behavior. They have to leave your life alone, because you are an adult who can make your own mistakes as you please.
No. 189486
>>189480I guess I'm
not ok with the dental or hair stuff not getting fixed but the skincare I can really take or leave. It does sound like he has some type of plan to deal with this and I'd just want to give it a push to go faster, because I agree, I don't really think I need to or should be fixing this dude. I know for some of this he's already told me he's embarrassed af about it and trying to figure out what he's going to do to remedy it; he thought it would scare me off before anything could actually happen with us. My problem with my ex was getting fed up with trying to do that with his emotional problems, so fuck getting into that again. I would feel like I was running into a brick wall and he didn't have a real interest in fixing things himself, just making me do the work, so I obviously have a pattern to be cautious of…
I guess it's worth mentioning that although the actual breakup is recent, the relationship itself was on the rocks for a while, like 6 months at least, and it didn't feel like we were even together. Almost no romance, no sex, part of a pattern going back years. I'm trying to take it kinda slow if I can because I know it's soon and I actually beat myself up over it all the time tbh. Like I don't even want to let myself do this at all, and it's bc dealing with the judgement is really fucking with my head. My friends have mostly been cool about it, at best saying I should go for it and at worst basically giving me the same advice you're giving me.
I appreciate it
nonny, thank you for the reply. I think you're right to talk about taking caution as well as that maybe I need to tell people to back off.
No. 189513
>>189497I guess it's a positive (??) update for you guys that I went ahead and talked to him and he was just…very reasonable about all of my concerns with regard to him taking care of himself without my input, rebounding, familial judgement, etc. He told me that actually he did go to the dentist in 2019 and COVID fucked up his plans to get things done. Basically his mom lost her job and he had to support her as well as himself, plus dental work became harder to do thanks to COVID. He said he's going to look into making another appointment now and he'd be doing this for himself, not for me, because this was stopping him from putting himself out there to date before I showed up anyway. The same with the other stuff too, it makes him feel insecure. He said basically, look, I'd be bringing myself to a baseline expectation, it needs to be done no matter what, I needed to start this before, and I need to do it for me. That made me feel a little better, but I guess we will see what happens now.
Not so great is yeah I did drop the L bomb last weekend and keep getting very emotional about things, but I'm still being very cautious about commitment. I told him for a while that I'm not even too sure about being bf/gf but I feel like at this point it'd be dumb to say it's anything else since we're into each other and not interested in seeing other people. I have known him since like 2019 or so through a mutual hobby and played games with him and a group of mutual friends like every week once COVID started, but we kind of avoided each other one on one since I had a boyfriend and there was mutual attraction, plus we live closer together than my ex (who was in another fucking country) so it would look kind of suspicious if we had buddied up too much during a rocky time with my ex. But I don't know if that makes it much better than saying "he's not some guy I literally just met".
I spend like way too much time chatting with him and my MO is to fall hard for people but spend a while in denial. I've made it really clear with him from the start that I'm concerned about doing things the right way and not causing him harm because I genuinely care about him and want the best for him, not only for myself. I think even if things hadn't happened with us or don't work out in the future, I really care for him as a person and as a friend and want the best for him. I'm hoping that over this summer we can get more time together so I can keep getting to know him because I know it's early on and I haven't seen all of the bad…although, the feeling concern about how he cares for himself during hard times has shown me some of it. I guess he makes me feel safe because whenever I talk to him or go around him, I feel understood.
He asked me if I need space right now and I think it might be a good idea for me to let him give me a little bit of space to process what I'm dealing with right now, especially so I can get chores done and focus on school. If I delete my posts anons, I promise I'm not doing it because I'm ignoring your advice, I just feel weird having all of this up in public in case someone I know actually checks this board. I appreciate and love you all, I have a lot of love in my heart for others and that's what makes this relationship shit so hard for me!
No. 189789
File: 1622807083019.png (136.49 KB, 512x413, 44.png)
I found someone who I really connected with online, we had everything in common and it felt like we were just made for each other. We made a plan to meet up once the covid stuff died down. We were talking for months on text and voice chat and then all of a sudden he just ghosted me. I haven't heard anything from him in a month. I feel really disheartened and I'm still not over it tbh…
Why do people ghost? I just don't understand it.
No. 189815
>>189789WTF? what a pee pee poo poo ass head. I'm really sorry he did that anon. Do you have his social media accounts so you can see what he's doing?
Maybe he met someone, or felt apprehensive, or is just rude. Regardless, he shouldn't have done that, seething on your behalf rn
No. 189906
Both my bf and I are decidedly child-free, me especially. I always feel worried he'll change his mind because my ex would flip-flop. But I know that's unfair to project onto him, he's never said he's had second thoughts and he's getting close to 30 now, so I think he's serious.
There's also a dumb fucking hypothetical argument we once got into where he was saying he'd really want to be there if I ever gave birth. I was like, fuck no, I'd hate that, I want to be alone from everyone and he kept on pressing that he'd want to see me give birth because if not for me, then he wanted to be there for at least his child. It was a stupid argument because although I may be a bit lenient on children through adoption (though I'm still opposed for numerous reasons), pregnancy is a no contest nO to me. Anyway, I hate how controlling that feels to me, but at the same time, I get how he'd want to see his children. But still, it's my body, my experience of giving birth, and I think it's my right to not allow people to see me if I don't want them there. It really seemed odd to me because normally, my boyfriend is extremely respectful of me doing my own thing and being independent. Am I crazy for letting that faze me when it's a situation that is not going to happen? I'm embarrassed I'm still bothered by it.
No. 189936
>>189906I guess it's a nonissue since you're childfree but I… kind of get where he's coming from? Makes me want to gag to say I can relate to a scrote, but. I'd assume you'd want to give birth in a hospital so there would be a ton of people around you regardless. I know it's different when they're professionals versus someone you know, but he'd have half a part in creating the child despite bearing much less of the burden, and I would 100% want to be present for the first moment my child came into the world. That's an incomparable experience that you'd never get to have again.
You're entitled to your preferences and privacy but that would be very upsetting for me to hear in his position, and if he hasn't sounded "controlling" in any other scenarios I wouldn't necessarily take it as a red flag.
No. 190270
File: 1622936863578.gif (555.34 KB, 500x280, aah.gif)
Am I getting cucked if my boyfriend is subscribed to this woman who does sexual ASMR audios (there's no videos or pictures of her) on Patreon? It didn't bother me until I realized he's basically giving another woman his money. (I actually don't know how much he's subscribed for, but knowing him it isn't a lot).
No. 190325
sex gifs for this feel?
Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again
Send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh
From you
Got balls of steel, got an automobile, for a minimum wage
Got real estate, I'm buying it all up in outer space
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick, the past again
Send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh
It's a mechanical bull, the number one
You'll take a ride from anyone
Everyone wants a ride, pulls away, ooh, from you
No. 190337
File: 1622965915588.gif (741.83 KB, 220x275, 4039284023534665454.gif)
>>190332Almost everyone goes through this stage during NC and it can be extremely hard to resist, but if you send that text he wins. Doesn't matter what kind of response you give him: needy, angry, sad, regretful. Anything shows he gets a reaction out of you and proves you're still investing thought and emotion in him that he no longer deserves. You might miss the companionship and physical intimacy but I'm sure there are a hundred other things you're glad to be free of. Focus on those instead. Be pissed and prideful until it's been long enough that you simply stop caring.
No. 190349
>>190332Like
>>190338 said, open a word document and write it all down but then also start going through all the memories where he acted like shit towards you. When you are done delete it or print it and burn it but trust me, you will feel relieved.
No. 190482
>>190480I don't know, I honestly don't think he'll ever leave me, I think we're great together. I don't think anything will go wrong (aside from normal arguments).
Maybe I'm so independent I'm scared of being with someone. Or he's too perfect and I didn't expect to find him so my brain just won't accept it.
I dunno, I need to fix it because I can't keep doing these mood swings. He's an angel and I'm all hot/cold (in my mind at least, I will never make him feel bad) which isn't fair to him.
No. 190874
>>190833Been OLD a guy for 9 months, gonna meet him in a few weeks and I'm scared lol. It's been a crazy experience and I've never felt so strongly about anyone either, especially online. In a way I'm happy it was all online, so I could avoid any mood swings I might have and scare him off, have time to consider his different opinions rather than fight them instantly as I would irl, and so on.
He's the most attractive man I've ever seen though. What do you mean your physical attraction might not be there? You're scared he's not as attractive as his photos? I get worried I'll find his mannerisms annoying too, and the smell thing too lol, as I've heard stories of people talking to someone for a long time but their chemistry/sciencey weird shit just not working when they meet and they get the ick.
Have you had video calls? Or something that shows how he not only looks but moves. My guy has an active youtube channel so I can tell everything lol
No. 190890
I went through my boyfriend's phone (I know, not a great idea). I found a message from a girl he had told me about coming friends with from a Facebook group late last year. It was some long thing about sorry for disappearing "when you listened and were willing to change what you were doing," how she didn't want to be a container for other people's guilty feelings/felt like the relationship had become managed by my bf's guilty feelings. She refers to him self flagellating, saying sorry a lot, feeling like she had become an "arbiter of forgiveness." She said she assumed he was only talking to her because of this guilt and she tried to be supportive but had become overwhelmed. My boyfriend said he appreciated her candor, he was happy to hear from her, and "Last time we spoke it was like a light switch of self awareness when you told me what I was doing" and said if she ever wanted to just bullshit/share memes he was down. She said she didn't think they could be friends and that was it.. So nothing like, super damning, but enough to make me go "Huh." I scrolled up for context but clearly messages have been deleted because there was nothing between this and their very first exchange, which was about radical feminism (he even mentions me and the fact that I'm a radfem). The only thing I can think of is, based off that initial conversation, he was possibly self flagellating over being a man/men being shitty, maybe even about some of the things he's done in the past that I know he feels guilty about. But the fact that those conversations have been deleted is sus to me. I don't know if my anxiety is getting the best of me and I'm just being a crazy person and I just need to drop it or if this is worth asking him about?
No. 190913
>>190870We're going to walk around my hometown because funnily enough he actually used to go to school here! So giving him a tour and revisiting old spots was my idea for casual conversation like that. Thanks for the suggestion!
>>190874I am grateful covid forced me to date online too especially since I have the worst first impressions due to Tourette's. My nervous tics cause a sense of unease to uninformed people.
>What do you mean your physical attraction might not be there? You're scared he's not as attractive as his photos? I have video called him and I think he is too attractive compared to me. I'm scared he'll find out I'm ugly irl without my angles covering up flaws. I've expressed this anxiety relentlessly, but he's always reassuring me he doesn't care about looks. Looks
do matter, no matter what men say. So I am not reassured despite his efforts kek.
As for body odor and mannerisms, if you have a strong emotional connection and attraction, maybe it will out power that? That's my glimmer of hope, at least.
I was looking forward to other people's experiences to an unconventional dating method such as OLD, although it might be more commonplace because of the covid restrictions forcing people to date online. I hope it works out for you! My friends and family aren't supportive and don't understand how strong our relationship is despite never meeting face-to-face. They treat it as unreal and don't take it seriously. I take it seriously. Which is why I told everyone about him kek.
No. 190914
>>190913>I have video called him and I think he is too attractive compared to me. I'm scared he'll find out I'm ugly irl without my angles covering up flaws. I've expressed this anxiety relentlessly, but he's always reassuring me he doesn't care about looks. Looks do matter, no matter what men say. So I am not reassured despite his efforts kek.Aw anon, I think he definitely likes what you look like and does not think you're ugly. He would not keep talking to you for 7 months if he thought that.
I also feel the same sometimes though, because my guy is just way too attractive to even exist and I don't know how I found him lol.
>As for body odor and mannerisms, if you have a strong emotional connection and attraction, maybe it will out power that?I think if you get along great and are attracted to each other then there's a very low chance that you'll be turned off from some mannerism. Remember that the people you like can pretty much do anything and you'd still find them hot lol.
OLD isn't that unconventional anymore, but most people meet immediately or very soon after talking. It is uncommon to not meet after several months, but I'm kind of grateful for covid for letting this happen. It shows that the guy I'm speaking to actually likes me for my personality too (he talks to me basically all day across all social media, literally feels like I'm with him), has built up the tension, and I've got myself a friend too.
I haven't told my family yet because I'm scared of jinxing it and I want to see the look on their face when they hear about him (our families and history have some uncanny coincidences). It's gonna be so fun, especially because my parents don't think I'll meet someone soon haha.
Good luck with your man!!
No. 190916
>>190913Anon just a word of advice, don't put your looks down in front of a guy. Don't point out your flaws.
They might be the most amazing and nice person but when you get told how ugly someone is and are reminded of their flaw by them again and again, you will start to believe it, even subconsciously.
Looks are often about confidence and 'aura'. Act like you look good even if you don't and people will perceive you as somewhat good looking.
I think it's a bit better to vent to friends/family if you feel ugly but venting even to bf is better than 'apologizing' for not looking good because people won't take vents as a fact but as an emotional outburst of sort.
Aside from that I wish you luck and hope you have a great time with your bf,
nonnie!
No. 190947
>>190893Thank you anon. Idk I generally trust him but I do have issues with anxiety and there were a couple things in the beginning of our relationship he omitted and so there's a part of me that sometimes worries about it happening again, but since then I feel he's been honest, sometimes even honest when he very easily could just not mention something and I would never know. I would try to recover the messages but they're older than 90 days so idk if I can.
>>190895Yeah…I'm not sure why he would keep their first conversation and these last messages and delete everything in between??
>>190903Yikes anon I'm sorry that's awful…so do you think it's not even worth bringing up?
No. 191353
File: 1623359076005.jpeg (17.17 KB, 150x150, 815751C6-82F6-4D40-AA06-E38809…)
I feel disgusted by my bf. Just the thought of what he could be doing or thinking about disturbs me. I genuinely want to push him away because he's a scrote.
No. 191359
File: 1623361700751.jpeg (31.18 KB, 275x267, D72094C2-BEF6-4373-8D31-B2F13C…)
>>191353Me too sometimes honestly….I just repress those feelings like nobody’s business and it’s alright most of the time
No. 191365
>>191359I'm on the verge of breaking up right now. I know he won't even understand why or think I'm crazy, lol. But I feel like I can flourish on my own. You should think about it, too, anon. Of course.. only do it if you're 100% sure.
>>191362They really do seem like zombies sometimes.
No. 191367
File: 1623363546918.png (200.05 KB, 652x520, hhhh.PNG)
guy friend i really like told me he's not ready for a relationship because of long distance despite telling me how he wanted to make time and has feelings for me because im "cute". apparently all those feelings are gone for a reason he doesn't want to share. I feel hopeless anons im literally inlove with him… what do?
No. 191373
>>191367I was in a similar situation.
Dump, delete, forget.
Don't waste your time.
No. 191377
>>191371he argues with me when i bring this up kek
kinda weird because a year ago he seemed like he genuinely wanted to make an effort, not sure what happened tbh. im speculating hes secretly in a relationship with another girl tbh but idk.
>>191373this would've been easy if wasnt so attached lmao maybe one day i'll have the courage to do this
No. 191383
File: 1623365964016.png (99.43 KB, 746x512, hug.png)
>>191378thanks for the tips anon! hopefully i will be able to move on and love myself more.
No. 191387
>>191383You deserve everything good,
nonny. I wish you luck on this journey.
No. 191554
>>191551Kek. Sorry you ended up dealing with a retard
nonny. You can always head over to r/relationships and spend some time absorbing the copium from the pickmes letting men give them a black eye, shit on their bed, give them STDs and steal their money before asking what they did wrong and how they can coMmuNiCate better. Ought to build up more of your inner nlog and destroy those pesky brain cells.
No. 191559
>>191549Not really a fan of contacting men first but yeah, that's fine anon. You're already overthinking things like crazy over something as banal as a text message to… some guy. Is he the prime minister of Malaysia? King Midas? Did he hang the moon and stars? If not, stop treating him as such and just send the damn text.
It's fine and nice to be excited but I see too many women placing very average scrotes they barely know on a huge pedestal. Hurts when they fall off from that high up and land on you.
No. 191562
>>191559Thanks
nonny, yeah I'd rather the onus was on him, but I was an autist when he asked and kind of blanked him soon as I said yes because I was freaking out internally, so he left me his number on paper despite both of our phones being on the desk kek.
I'll be keeping your comment in my mind for a while. I need to keep perspective and be better. Thank you <3
No. 191601
>>191574I genuinely don't understand how you went from
>I want a high value manto
>so I'm going to put more effort into more effort in my looksinstead of
>so I'm only going to date men who put effort and care into their physical appearance No. 191610
>>191570Most desperate pickmes are single…
Your desperation shows and is unattractive, guys fall for women who don't give much shit about them because if you act like a pickme, they think you lack value and they deserve better.
If you just want a one night stand or fwb just write it on tinder in your bio and you'll have one in no time. ONS aren't really worth it imo but whatever floats your boat.
No. 191612
>>191574Be extremely up front and clear with your boundaries and requirements. Men will try to act confused and bend the rules to their benefit. Luckily, men also happen to be pretty bad liars (usually) so if you set a boundary and he ignores it, don't waste your time trying to "change" him.
Also pay close attention to the small things he does:
-Does he seem to have trouble keeping up with chores and errands?
-Does he seem to waste money despite not making much money?
-Does he focus more on his needs and invalidate yours?
-Is he flakey and sneaky?
-Is he passive when it comes to defining your relationship and discussing the future?
No. 191619
>>191616Because they have been brainwashed by porn and manipulated by men to think that's what they ""want""
"Baaabe, c'monnnn, everybody is fisting buttholes, why are you being so prude? It's totally natural!"
No. 191622
>>191621>>191616For some anon femcels you guys are much bigger prudes than I thought,
you treat yourself like a fleshlight with your sex toys, why not get spooned after too?
No. 191625
>>191622I… the original anon literally referred to
herself as a femcel with a dry pussy and now this is being turned back around on anons saying that sounded ironic since she wanted to “eradicate brain cells” and recommending she respect herself instead? As
>>191610 said getting a scrote to fuck you is the easiest thing in the world, they will fuck everything from food to furniture if they’re bored enough, a real live woman is hardly something you have to convince them of. You can join OLD with a female account and have hundreds of likes in a few hours with meme pictures. For a woman to be more desperate than a man in this area is truly sad especially when the vast majority of men will not see you as a fellow human being but a toy to use and then discard, no spooning involved. But go off and enjoy your emotionless porn recreations.
No. 191641
This isn’t so much seeking advice as it is venting, but anyone who has a similar experience could chip in.
My partner broke his hand on the west coast US and was discharged from the ER last night, told to come back today to see a specialist, then turned away today when he found out his insurance wasn’t covered.
After maybe 30 phone calls been his pcp, insurance, and multiple practitioners, we were able to figure out an appointment for early next week. After I lied and said I was his wife after being denied access from the first call when I said I was his gf.
This all stems from him having really bad anger issues. He’s always been a saint to me, and never raised voices or hands, but I worry that his sense of “fuck this, let gf deal with it cus I can’t handle intense stress” is going to become a thing.
How do you ladies deal with being supportive partners but not being a doormats? I did for him today the equivalent of the what the mother for a small child, and I buy stuff don’t feel the appreciation. I know this is the kind of stuff we sign up for when we become partners but I do not feel appreciated.
His whole livelihood and creative passions would have gone out the window today if after his first appointment he just acted on his “fuck it, I’m over it” mentality but because of my diligence and determination, this will be remedied in days. And he doesn’t seem to give a shit.
No. 191655
>>191623Fleeting moments of stress and anger happen but the fact that you just bought him 600 dollars worth of a gift and his annoyance was over simply helping you invest both your time and your hundreds of dollars on a gift for him..in fairness that's different than the usual everyday annoyances. There's a lack of awareness there. Only you can really guage how fleeting it was though. If it's quickly followed by some self awareness and resolves itself without dragging out then it wouldn't worry me as much as a lingering sour mood.
>>191642Being easily annoyed isn't some inherent personality trait that needs to be respected. Too many scrotes use this bs line of 'its muh personality' to get away with being assholes. There's definitely a balance where you get to have your feelings but being easily annoyed and well known for it..isn't a personality trait to defend or hang onto. Its a problem to go address.
No. 191668
>>191641I don't think you should have to lie and make phone calls for him.
He sounds pretty irresponsible for himself which is an issue on its own–anger aside. I've been frustrated many times in my adult life and yet I could never nor should I expect my husband to make phone calls for my own doctor appointments. He needs to calm down and pick up his own responsibilities after he's had some time to cool, not rely on a mommy gf to do shit for him. The only time I think that's acceptable is if one's deathly ill and incapacitated. Like is too sick to talk or isn't coherent to make decisions. Being mad isn't a good excuse. You feel like a mom because you behaved like one today and didn't receive thanks in return.
You can be in his corner and have encouraging things to say without taking over the wheel for him. Drop the rope until it starts to impact your own quality of life and money. You are right that if you keep setting this tone that you will rescue him, that it will become the expected baseline that you always will. Besides, in my experience, the more you help male partners the more they grow to resent you because they start to feel like the infantilized babies that they behave like–which isn't our faults–but goes to show how some will blame everyone but themselves.
I hope you stepping back will send the right message and that he will sort himself our, but if not then you know what to do..
No. 191675
>>191641I hit a mental health patch before where my partner found himself ringing to make me an appointment for just my general practitioner. Then he brought me there, then he helped me pay because I hadn't been prepared for the unexpected cost of a doctors visit and new meds that day. That was depression related and tbh I still cringe that someone I wasn't married to, wasn't engaged to, who wasn't my parent etc had to take the initiative to make a doctors appointment for my twenty something year old avoidant ass at the time. It was one phone call but I look back on that day and it set a bad precedent. It showed our dynamic was way off and he had reached the point of parenting me. It was beginning of the end for us. I had put him in that position by just not functioning well enough without his efforts to essentially save the day on my behalf. Its not a fair position to put a partner in. Especially when you're not tied together by marriage. You said it yourself you're not meant to even be allowed to make these enquiries without being his wife.
And you have to ask yourself whether he'd spend hours on the phone doing all the adulting for you if you fell apart? Would he get annoyed and tell you to grow up, would he just leave you to it?
No. 191965
>>191950>>191961 is right, but
>>191956 is sad, too
No. 191967
>>191961>>191956not really im just used to guys spoiling me. My ex bought me a designer bag but he was an asshole.
fucking hate how generous men can be so shitty meanwhile some cheap men can be sweetheart. im fucking doomed. I read everyones experiences with their bf and my bf never does anything wrong to me and he isn’t misogynistic like most scrotes.
No. 191985
>>191974no
>>191978ill stay till i find something better i guess
No. 192031
File: 1623648617829.jpg (44.09 KB, 800x533, beautiful-girlfriend-looking-s…)
>boyfriend constantly saying i don't do anything around the house
>i cook, clean, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes to relieve his stress
>he works from home, takes care of dog
>moved into his house in november
>told me he didnt want rent money
>would still give him money here and there
>last week flips out out
>says that i am abusing his resources,
>i pay my own bills, he pays for the groceries
>every week since we got our dog. (march) its always "you dont do enough" and the constant put downs for weeks is getting to me.
>doesnt smile at me anymore
>only smiles at dog
>when i want affection, he stares at the dog, he cant hold eye contact with me for more than a minute.
>he admits hes been taking out his frustration from work on me
>continues to micromanage me
>gotten to the point where i am panic cleaning so he doesnt get mad at me.
>anxiety is through the roof
>always preparing myself for the next put down
>mention to him the other night that im getting anxiety
>basically shrugs me off and said that hes noticed i have been doing more around the house.
>today flips out on me once more, because i asked him when he was going to put the dogs dirty pee smelly blankets in the wash
>claims i was demanding he do it then and there
>i was not
>simply asked when he was going to put it in the wash.
>"im doing everything around here" once again
>he worked overtime today, on top of working 50 hours.
>side note i mentioned that i was unsure if i wanted kids, a few weeks ago
>stated he isnt sure if he wants to be with me due to this
>been going back and forth between saying yes he wants to be with me and not
>finally says he isnt leaving me
>tired of the put downs every fucking week
>tips?
No. 192036
>>192031>tips?Just communicate anon, he will totally change and become the person you want him to be! Because obviously even great guys who love you will treat you like utter trash sometimes, it doesn't mean anything at all about them as a person or how they feel about you.
Jk, idk what the fuck kind of tips you're expecting other than 'dump him'.
No. 192080
>>192077If he hid things away from you then hes not the one and shouldnt be your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend hasnt told you everything and acts differently then thats just wrong.
You should know your boyfriend completely. I dont really understand. If you have doubts like that then i wonder howbstable your relationship is. Has he ever cheated?
No. 192083
>>192076I said "it won't be like I don't know him at all"
I know him very well. But we've never met so I don't know how this changes the timelines of intimacy when we actually meet. I'm not experienced in dating.
No. 192153
>>191967does he at least give you personalised gifts even if they're cheap? like a card he made himself, or something? or flowers? anything?
honestly effort > expensive present
No. 192181
File: 1623714132169.png (535.81 KB, 761x1320, 40389274093275034.png)
>>192178Reminds me of this golden FDS post. Pickmes really be happy with their grown partners having the skills and effort level of kindergarteners kek. Clearly this shows a lot of thought and is
so much better than putting in the work to afford something over $20 though, right?
No. 192196
i broke up with my (ex) boyfriend tonight and i can't stop crying. the relationship was surface level, he clearly didn't have feelings for me nor did he want to attempt to build a deeper connection. i brought up the problem again tonight that he just doesn't verbally or physically show me that stuff in any way, nowhere near enough for a normal relationship and it ended in him just iterating that he wants a "casual relationship" (despite us being together for 8 months already) and me obviously not being able to stay in a relationship like that. i just wanted to make it work, despite all the problems, because i think i really did love him and care about him and it hurts that he didn't try to stop the breakup in anyway, that he didn't say he would try to make a real change, nothing. he just realized and didn't fight the fact that we want two different things (or he got what he wanted out of the relationship before it ended) and that's it, gone like the wind. i brought it up not with the assumption that we would break up but that he might actually realise it was something that needed to change if he actually wants me. and he didn't want me all that much, clearly. what's sadder is this is the second time we've broken up, the first time over basically the same reason about halfway into the relationship, and we got back together under the guise that things would improve. they were marginally better for the first 2 weeks and then months later now the same issues existed. I thought he wanted to get back together that time because he genuinely missed me, wanted to make real changes to make it work, but now it just seems like he just wanted me around but not actually properly. i just don't know, it's very fresh and i feel torn up about it, but hearing how… lukewarm he was tonight and going away from the whole thing with the thought that this breakup really isn't going to affect him anywhere near as much as me feels horrendous. he also said some hurtful and random things for no reason, like i tried to preface something by saying "i have told you that i care about you and i love you…" and then minutes later he says "you're dear and darling to me". nice little kick in the face there, insinuating that he never actually loved me. i just don't want to be in this situation, i wish i never met him, because it's going to take ages to get over him and i just don't want to deal with that as much as i didn't want to be in a relationship where my "boyfriend" wants to treat me more like a friend than an actual girlfriend he loves.
No. 192220
>>191950Considering I pickme'd and bought my ex of 3 years a ps4 pro and even got him a bunch of games to go with it while I was making zip/hr, I don't think expecting a big gift on a special occasion is a reach. Especially if you've expressed interest in it.
Every man who loves his woman and wants to keep her will do incredible things for her. I've experienced this myself.
Men who didn't see me as shit in my early 20s never did anything for me while I simped like a clown.
Now? My husband spends thousands to keep me happy. Although I will say that some men have different languages when it comes to material things. Ex. I don't think my husband would appreciate it if I begged for a new purse constantly, but on the other hand he had no problem throwing down for the exact engagement ring I wanted, fronted all the down money for our first house, and has taken and continues to take me on nice trips. More than a few times a week he will bring me a snack home from the store or complete household tasks so I won't have to do them. These are just routine things he does to let me know he cares and values me. If I want something, 9 times out of 10 he will get it for me within reason. Is he rich? No, but things such as credit exists and a man is happy to pay a debt for you.
Cheap and broke isn't the bar you want to set in your relationship. You won't ever be happy. A BIG part of this equation is the maturity of the man you're dating, and unfortunately most guys aren't financially nor emotionally mature until their late 20s at least.
As for the anons who replied to you in some type of way insisting you're a "gold digger"…lol. They're the type of people afraid that if you start demanding things and setting a high standard, that you'll actually get it. Meanwhile they've cheapened themselves and have settled for less.
>>192031Don't walk, RUN AWAY from this relationship.
Tell me you're not having sex with him, right? How could you have sex with someone who treats you like a slave and emotionally triangulates you against a fucking dog who he treats better than you? He's gross and knows what he's doing. Keep taking birth control cause he's trying to baby trap you.
>>192042>>192047Sounds like he's passively trying to get you to break up with him. If he can see why you've been unhappy, but isn't willing to try anything to fix it, then he's waiting for your move. Do you really want to work this out, or do you want to make a statement about your self-respect? Since this sounds like the baseline in your relationship, and there's been no negative consequence for ruining the relationship like this, then he isn't bound to change. RIP anon.
>>192066I think you're being incredibly naive about the situation if you think he won't try to push for sex after communicating with you for a year, and presumably when he'll be staying with you.
I hope he can respect your wishes if you don't want to have sex with him until it feels right. If it feels right, then do it.
>>192181Lmao that pic. That's so autistic.
>>192196That sucks anon, but you did the right thing for yourself and I'm so proud of you that you didn't cave and settle for the 'casual' relationship. You're worth so much more than being a placeholder option, and one day when you find the person willing to treat you how you deserve, you'll look back at this situation and laugh at how pathetic this scrote was being.
No. 192278
>>192263Definitely. Getting into debt over gifts is irresponsible full stop and anyone reading should be wary of people who would do that. Imagine being married to someone that 'generous' and you find out that they're 300k in debt for honestly stupid reasons. When you get another 'gift' from them thats beyond their means, you're gonna throw it in their face and tell them to return it before the bank seizes your house.
Gift giving should be thoughtful and within a persons means. The best gifts are the ones you can receive happily without feeling stressed for the other person. 30 dollars can be just as dear to someone as 300 is to another or even 3000. As long as there's some effort and thought into it, I think it's fine. A cute bear plushie can be more meaningful than an expensive necklace for example.
No. 192285
File: 1623757766278.jpeg (8.35 KB, 277x182, download (1) (3).jpeg)
>>192278>300k in debt The premise of your argument only works on exaggeration lmao.
Of course there's a HUGE difference of a partner hiding $300,000 in debt versus paying down $1000 in manageable increments. Oh and most adults aren't broke and can pay that off in a few months or less, so.
No. 192292
>>192278>>192285Sorry anon but going into debt, even if it's a "reasonable" one, is completely abnormal. I'm certaintly not camp "it's the thought/effort that counts!!!" "You should be happy with a handmade card or a €20 teddybear!!!" "as long as he makes effort!!!" but no responsible adult should go into debt for anything other than absolute necessities like a house. Maybe it's different elsewhere but where I live adults don't spend money they don't have.
>>192278>muh meaningfulthis shit idea is what allows men to get away with shitty gifts. Sorry but the plush bear your boyfriend got you from the convencience store on the way home isn't meaningful. Get yourself a man who'll get you an expensive gift that was thoughtfully and carefully picked out for you.
No. 192293
>>192278>A cute bear plushie can be more meaningful than an expensive necklace for example.Yes, but the fact is he SHOULD be willing you to get the expensive necklace. And if he's going to get you a cute bear plushie, it better be one of those HUGE high quality Japanese ones you can hug, and not some ugly cheap shit from walmart. Like that other anon here, many girlfriends are willing to buy their boyfriends recent consoles + games, as well as many other expensive gifts for no reason at all. That's because they cherish and love their boyfriends and want to make them happy, even if the gift doesn't directly involve them. Lots of men give gifts because they are expected (holidays) and don't want their girlfriends bitching at them and even then they are low effort as fuck. A good way to gauge if a man truly loves you is that he cares about making you happy ALL the time. And that includes little surprise gifts too.
Let's be real, a lot of men are cheap with their girlfriends because they are selfish. That's not the kind of long-term partner you want. A man who loves a woman will naturally be generous with her in regards to time, effort, and money. If one of these is missing you are just being clowned.
No. 192299
>>192293I thought anon wanted gifts and often? In that case saving up for a big gift over 4 months and waiting around for that isn't going to be as impactful as if the man gave her flowers, chocolate or cute trinkets to show he cares every week or so. I agree that a man should be willing to buy something expensive for you if he saves up for it and knows that you want stuff like that, that's just being considerate.
I think what people are missing in this thread is that it's not just about money, but the emotional value of these gifts too. Getting jewelry, shoes, lavish dinners, expensive things in general is nice, but if there's no thought or affection behind them then what's the point (apart from having stuff to sell later)?
>>192285Everyone's idea of 'worth' is a bit different. It might take a person a few months like you said to pay off 1000 or it's an expense they can take on fine. I would never expect someone to buy me something worth $1000 if they literally had to get a loan for it. Saving up for it is a different story though.
>>192289Sentimental value in objects is worth more than it's monetary value imo. If a man wins you a bear at a festival during a date, I think I'd treasure that more than something expensive and impersonal. Talking from experience, I had a boyfriend who was emotionally cut off and would supplement that with spending money on me but it felt so empty vs the smaller gifts he used to give that referenced inside jokes etc when we first started dating.
>>192292Cuts deep nonnite, my ex used to bring me rabbit chocolates and themed gifts when he still loved me, then that became handbags that his other male friends picked based on their gfs suggestions and jewelry I never wore
No. 192308
>>192220>That sucks anon, but you did the right thing for yourself and I'm so proud of you that you didn't cave and settle for the 'casual' relationship. You're worth so much more than being a placeholder option, and one day when you find the person willing to treat you how you deserve, you'll look back at this situation and laugh at how pathetic this scrote was being.thank you. i feel like i dodged a bullet the more i look at things clearly but at the same time i keep getting random moments of heartbreak.
i just can't help but keep thinking about why i wasn't good enough, what is missing from me that i couldn't make this guy fall for me and care about me more.
No. 192426
>>192353>Shitty men could also throw expensive gifts at you to bait you into staying.If fate had it that you were going to get stuck dating a shitty moid at least once in your life, best believe you'd pick the one who bought you some expensive trinkets you actually liked versus the typical broke scrote who never did shit for you.
One scenario is objectively better than the other.
No. 192461
>>192346Just say something like "hey I'm heading over for some lunch, wanna come with?"
Make it sound too official and you might scare him off. I think it's best to ease into it.
Though, if he wanted you to be more you would be. Don't you want to be with someone who truly wants to be more than fuck buddies, without you having to hint at it?
No. 192501
>>192433He's told me he likes me a lot and has hinted at wanting something more, but I think he's very cautious with relationships due to his job. I don't even know if I need it to be a full on intense relationship right away, but I would like to spend more time together and see where things go. It would be nice to have that commitment though and not be in that in between not so single feeling you have when you're in a long-term FWB situation.
>>192461That's a good idea and makes total sense! That makes me think the first two options are probably the better ideas and just bring it up casually next time we talk.
No. 192558
>>192556Don't do it. Breath. You'll be fine without him. Keep yourself occupied. Read papers books, draw or maybe pick up a new thing to learn. Don't spend too much time on you phone, so you won't want to call or text him. Clean your house and don't fucking go back with someone who doesn't love you.
You're lovable. And you should at least like yourself! In six month you'll be meserable if you go back to him. But maybe, there's a chance you will be fine if you delete his number.
If he comes back why not. But you shouldn't beg, it makes a really unbalanced relationship.
No. 192591
>>192590For me the point of contention with prostitution is trafficking etc, but with better regulations because of legality to me it's not so bad. Also growing up with the simple illegal = bad I never really thought of why. I guess if I was hard up for sex (which I would never be tbh) I'd probably pay to have a guy fuck me.
I won't be asking him anytime soon if he fucks prostitutes, so I'll be choosing to accept or deny him based on the assumption.
No. 192593
>>192589Prostitution is illegal here but you can Google escorts easily and there's brothels everywhere but men won't admit they use them, however the same men would brag about going to Amsterdam and getting prostitutes and buying them for their mates etc. Complete turn off for myself. I had an ex that went to brothels and it really fucked with my self esteem. Like it's so discreet and there's brothels always within a radius of a pub/bar/club. They charge by the half an hour and lads can literally skip out on a pint get their end away and get back for last calls.
I ended up toying with the idea well if men can purchase sex why the fuck can't i!? Looked into it. All the male escorts were clearly gay or the straight ones were bald 40 year old men. Their profiles were off putting as well as their photos. You'd literally be paying to get some man off that promises you he'll do whatever to get you off,but I really doubt it once you get down to it. Even my ex when he opened up about it said he got stage fright a few times with an escort and it's supposedly their job to ease all discomfort. It's a grimy situation.
I've been single for over a year and I'm honestly so put off with dating these days. Hearing men have no issue spending money on getting sex off some hooker but feel slighted if they paid for a date and she doesn't put out. Then with all the porn sickness and locals shilling their nudes. The expectations of men is too much to handle imo. I don't care if prostitution or porn is considered normal and acceptable, I'd rather be a spinster then settle for some man that entertains other options of intimacy.
No. 192594
>>192593So your ex used prostitutes while with you? I'd consider that plain cheating. Unless I'm misreading this.
If i'm to consider a male the bare minimum would be not seeing prostitutes before being sexually intimate, and enough trust in him to believe he'd stick to that.
No. 192595
>>192594I don't know if he used them during but I think he did. It was his friend that outted him. His mate was telling of the time they both went to a brothel together before I met but the way they spoke of it made it seem like a habit.
Like if a man has the experience of getting sex on tap from a variety of women who they get to choose essentially from a catalogue and it's a thing to go to a brothel with your mates what's to stop them from it on a lads night? Men will actively get their mates to do things and not tell their partners about it. I'm glad the only thing he ever gave me was a uti.
No. 192598
>>192596Men are weird. He's one of many guys that has told me tales of male group masturbation, but it's not gay because there was porn on!!
And from the few brothel stories they told me (we were high and they were taking coke as well,I was just smoking weed so while trying not to fly off on a rage I did some NLOG digging) it's a situation where there's different rooms for them. They're not fucking together. Apparently my ex got stage fright while he was sitting downstairs waiting for his mate to finish (they were using the same girl for whatever reason) and when it was his turn he couldn't get hard, oh no… They told me the location of one and I googled it and no joke the girls advertised looked younger than 18 but their ages were displayed as 20+ or you get old ladies. Bought the same ex a tablet so he could videochat with his son and used it to look up cinema times and found "granny in stockings" porn and a search for a 50+ year old escort that lived around the corner. I simply had enough of that,smashed the tablet and dumped him. So like, he never admitted to being with escorts while dating me but with his history and his search history I'd be retarded to excuse it.
No. 192906
>>192615It's also the fact that they have sex with someone who they know wouldn't consent if money wasn't involved. I can't wrap my mind around this. I can only have sex with someone eager and willing, I would feel like dirt if I slept with someone that didn't want it and needed to be paid just to consent. It's so fucked up!
The type of men that use prostitutes don't need the other party to be actually willing to have sex and that's a huge red flag for relationship.
I learned the hard way, still have pretty vivid bad memories and advice anons to not make the same mistake and stay away from men like this.
No. 192935
>>192895>He'll cry and throw a hissy fit about how he's going to kill himself so I end up staying He is threatening to kill himself because it works as a manipulation tactic to keep you from leaving. Do not fall for it again. Just call an ambulance to his house if he calls you and tells you he will totally do it. He likely won't do it. And even if he did harm himself - it's not your duty to be his girlfriend.
>I have to force myself to love him when I just don't.You don't have to do this. Walk away and let him deal with his issues.
No. 192991
>>192980youre right. i feel so heartbroken but if someone can just delete me like that then does he really love me?
i guess ill watch anime to stop thinking about him
No. 193074
>>192991I know we usually go for the nuclear option here but I think this isn't really serious. Anon, even though it's childish, I wouldn't necessarily treat this as a breakup. He might have been really angry and did it as an outlet because deleting someone off an app doesn't really do any harm, it just a click. It wouldn't really bother me because I don't take social media that seriously to take it as an offense. You can add yourself back anytime. He might feel like an idiot once he cools down. Definitely wait for
him to grovel back though. If he doesn't, okay, that is a breakup.
No. 193365
>>192556update
he messaged me saying "i hope everything is ok, that there's no hard feelings" ? i've spent the entire week since we broke up miserable and crying, and he sends me this shit
>no hard feelingsis he just trying to taunt me? attempting to appear like the bigger man or something? why even bother sending a message like this. no i'm not okay.
i'm even more confused now