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No. 160323

Gaze into the future. Gaze into the past. You seek Braco's advice? Dump his ass.

Old threads:

No. 160327

terrible thread pic

No. 160334

agreed, dead joke is dead

No. 160413

haha ok, aside from Braco, could i ask a question?

how do i tell whether a guy is keeping me around because he's lonely and wants sex/cuddles/kisses, or if he genuinely likes me and wants to be around me? he sleeps over at my place and i do at his a few times a week, this has been going on for two months now. 90% of the time it ends in sex, but we cuddle and kiss too (i mostly initiate cuddling and he does kissing). however… i give him compliments about his body and personality often, because i like to and want him to know i appreciate him, but he never does to me, except when i ask what he even likes about me… he answers my texts in a timely manner, and he calls me during lunch break, brings me food and drinks and leaves me pocket money and such things. but still i feel like he's keeping himself at a distance… like, he has trouble opening up…

No. 160415

So you go on dates? Does he ask you many questions about things like your childhood or your life before meeting him?

No. 160416

*Do you go on dates

No. 160418


um.. we don't go out together much, so no dates really… and he doesn't ask any questions about me, actually… thank you, it's clear to me now haha ^__^

No. 160425

If he wanted the relationship to go next level, he would have let it know by now. He enjoys your company and seems respectful but that doesn't mean he has feelings or wants to be exclusive.
If this entanglement doesn't suit you anymore, be clear with him.

No. 160842

Does anyone have advice on how to leave an abusive relationship? I grew up in a foster home and immediately moved in with the first guy I met two years ago to get away. He has been abusive and hitting me for no reason even after do his laundry, make him food. I dont have any other family to escape to and no friends. My cashier job barely gives me shifts even with.

No. 160845

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, anon. Are there any local women's shelters near you? If not, I suggest you save what you can get from your job as is. You could try posting in some forums for domestic abuse (if you don't mind), and try to get some donations or any kind of help, even just support.

No. 160849

So I have clinical depression and lately during the pandemic it has gotten really worse bc I am not able to do stuff I used to do that made me happy. Anyway my bf is complaining that I am barely talking to him rn (we most call and text) and I keep telling him that I am not really well and don't really wanna talk and he keeps pushing it all the time and telling me his fee fees are hurt and whenever I do call him he ends it really quickly if I don't pretend to be happy or care about his stuff.
Anyway the other day some of my friend went out with me BC they knew I wasn't feeling good and now he is pestering me about why I don't go out with him. I don't go out with him BC he is going to the academy, and hanging out daily with his friend with no care in the world and I really don't wanna kiss or have sex with someone I know doesn't give a fuck about social distance BC I live with my mother who is diabetic and in her 60's. Do you guys also think he's being kinda selfish or is it just me? What should I do?

No. 160851

That's horrid, as the other anon said please check for local women's shelters, if you're in the U.S. there's the National Domestic Violence Hotline that can help you as well. There are state-specific hotlines to call as well as general advocates. If you're not in the U.S. then please check for domestic violence hotlines wherever you're at. Hope you get away safely asap. https://www.thehotline.org

No. 160853

Yes, he's absolutely being selfish. You've established that right now you need space and (presumably) that you're uncomfortable spending time with him because he's acting like there's not a pandemic going on which could endanger you and your mom. He just doesn't care and is now punishing you by moaning over reasonable boundaries. You can reiterate that you are depressed, you need space, and you will not be spending time with him due to his lack of social distancing. But there's nothing else you can do beyond that, from there he either respects your needs or not.

It's fine for him not to be okay with that. Some people don't want depressed partners and as someone who's dealt with it in the past, I get it. But he's also being flippant about your health and safety. He needs to be an adult and leave the relationship if he's not happy with it, not keep pestering you about it. Since he seems unable to do that, you may have to make a decision in his place because it's not worth the added stress of having a partner whose sole purpose is to annoy you.

No. 160899

26+yo anons, what is your age gap limit if you are dating a man that is younger than you, and do you date a man that is younger than you in general?

I still believe that men grow up longer than women, so whenever Id see a 4 year or more age gap when both are in 20s, i get weirded out.

No. 160900

27 and I am not attracted to men younger than me at all, I could push until 25 but younger are basically babies to me, same with women.

No. 160905

26, and I would only consider a guy 1 year younger, maybe 2 if the guy was really great but most guys are shit at 24… It feels like cradle snatching even though 24 is not that far off from 26. I just feel like I'll have to play mommy, you know? And I don't want that.

No. 160920

Thank you for your answers, anons. I asked because I wasn't sure if it's right for me to feel like that dating a man much younger than you is off. To me, if a person is 3 years younger than me they are already considered to be a 'baby' or little brother because of my mother instincts. My personal IRL lolcow started virtually dating a 22yo kid who is is in uni and lives with parents, doing nothing but playing videogames, when said cow is 26 years old, self-unemployed and lives in her mother and grandmothers basement. I feel like this age difference is a bit too much, but it's also me, having many little brothers.

No. 160941

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I am currently in a situation where there is no way I can see my bf because
>We can't stay at my home (because indian parents that disapprove of me having a white bf)
>Can't stay at my Uni place (because dickhead landlord that doesn't allow guests and practically stalks the property)
>Can't stay at his place (because he just graduated so is living with his parents and siblings, shares a room with his brother and it's a very small and busy place).
Meaning there is literally no place we can stay together. Seems so silly that we are very much in love but are being driven to break up because we never get to see each other :(

No. 160950

>indian parents that disapprove of me having a white bf
stop trying to have a bf till you move out, dumbass. from another indian anon to another. i'd say try to sneak him to your uni apt or visit his home and get him to kick his brother out.

how long have you known the scrote, chill out. if you're in america or england accept shit's gonna suck for a while. try to change your uni lease for the future to somewhere with a less shit landlord.

No. 160966

Another Indian anon, should she just live a boring shit life like every other brown girl just cause her parents want her to? Fuck that, lol. I’m an brown girl myself with a white boyfriend and my family are slowly coming to terms with it because I am firm with them about what I want (and they’re maybe more relaxed than a lot of brown people). Can’t you at least visit his place/town and just hang out in a park somewhere? Also it’s so bizarre your landlord stalks your house, why does he do that?

No. 160971

Will he be moving out anytime soon? That could maybe save your relationship

No. 161000

>we are very much in love but are being driven to break up
why is this so unnecessarily dramatic

No. 161007

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Bad English, sorry. My stuff might sound childish, but.. meh. Anyways:
> Began a relationship during the summer, continued the relationship in the same university, just different groups.
> He got close with a girl and a guy, happy for him.
> He was uninterested in anything I had to say to the point where I had to hand pick the stuff I could share with him.
> Called me unfunny to my face, he stated that he always had better things to do than to spend time with me.
> Shared my relationship concerns with him, putting an emphasis on communication. Didn’t see an issue and therefore didn’t put effort in improving anything.
> We both went home for a weekend (we live in different cities), he didn’t text me the entire time. Not even a hello.
> Online school got announced. We both went to our homes. He didn’t text me for an entire week. I took the hint and removed him off every social media, so I could move on.
> The girl tagged him two times in a messenger convo I am participating in with something completely unrelated to the convo, even though he wasn’t even involving himself in the conversation.
> 10 days after I remove him off social media his guy friend sends me a friend request on fb.
What is going on? That seems super weird. I am absolutely convinced he does not care about me at all, to the point where he doesn’t even think it’s necessary to break up with me adequately. Then why the hell did his friends do that? Especially the friend request. It’s an unwritten rule – no one sends friend requests to your closest friends’ exes. Am I imagining things? I don't have any hopes for reconciliation or anything, but curiosity got the best of me.

No. 161008

29 and my last fling was 23, last year I even got with a guy 9 years younger than me. All casual though, I wouldn't get into something serious with any guy 2+ yrs younger.

No. 161009

Super weird. I'd say, good call with removing him off your social media, idk if you messaged him to "officially" let him know you're ending things and want nothing to do with him in the future, as that wouls be a good thing to do too. As for the "unwritten rule" of not befriending friends' exes, first time I'm hearing about it, feels normal some people would just add you because of you being in the same social circle. Being a "facebook friend" is nothing really important and there are people who like having a lot of them so they'll add literally everyone they vaguely know regardless of circumstances.

No. 161016

I'm in my early thirties, I've never been with a younger man (apart from ONSs) but for dating I'd maybe be okay with someone 3 years younger. Anything more than that is pushing it.

I have dated older before (12 year gap) and given how that went I would also now cut my limit on older guys to within 3/4 years.

No. 161018

Not much you can do but work towards one of you getting a place and renting it independant of any family or family friends.

This all sounds like the teen version of being 'very much in love' though.. it might not translate to reality once you are actually adults living on your own.

No. 161024

Cutting him off was the right thing. Maybe accept the friend request and hear what he has to say. Or not if you don't want to, that's probably wiser, but I personally wouldn't be able to resist out of sheer curiousity.

No. 161100

How old are you, anon? I assume around twenty, since you said you're in uni? As someone a bit older, I'd say one of two things is possible: a)his friend is actually interested in you, or b)they have maybe some sort of deal going on, like a challenge or such, you understand? Either way, it's clear the guy sees himself as your ex (maybe already flirting w/ smbd else), so either he gave his friend "permission" to chase you, now that you're not "his girl" anymore; or there may be something shadier going on. Depends on the type of person he is, how serious things were between you two in the first place, the type of person you are etc.

No. 161158

Thank you for your insight! What really matters to me is the fact that you also think that my decision to cut him off was correct. I do agree that the fb friend request isn't that big of a deal, but considering the circumstances I can't help but feel suspicious.

Yeah, I'm 19 lol. As far as I know, the guy friend has a gf. But who knows, the few times we had talked he was overly friendly with me.
But what kind of "challenge" do you envision? I consider my ex and his friend to be pretty much "drama-free" and chill, that's why I don't imagine them plotting something shady, but idk really…

No. 161168

Okay, maybe that wording was a bit dramatic, but you say the guy has a gf? It seems a bit suspicious that he would contact you, just as you became single, don't you think? Also, what a lazy/cowardly way for your ex to end it, you did well for deleting him out of your socials!
I mean, it's your life, so I'm not telling you what to do, and some people are indeed very friendly, but at that age (at any age, really!) men don't look for just a friend of the opposite sex. Just a heads up, who knows!

No. 161208

How would you go about online dating as someone completely inexperienced? Considering how much of it is geared towards hook-up culture, when should I disclose that I'm a virgin and don't want to rush into penetrative sex right away? I worry how much of a turn-off (or, worse, a turn-on) that would be.

I realize it's more ideal to meet a guy in person and vet them as a friend before dating/fucking, but I run in completely different social circles from the guys I find physically attractive. I'm even not looking for a husband or a life partner–just some physical intimacy and someone I could get along with on a roadtrip #but honestly, that feels like a high bar because I don't have Stacy-tier looks to make up for my polarizing personality.#

No. 161212

I'm trying to be more optimistic and not worry so much anymore but I don't know how, I normally text my bf all the time but sometimes especially when he isn't working he doesn't text me back for hours even if he's home, and I know that's normal to most people but we normally talk all the time and I always miss him when we don't talk and I'm worried he doesn't want me around as much, but he always says I have nothing to worry about. How do I feel better? I try to talk to other people but they aren't always around and I don't have many online friends (and no rl friends)

No. 161213

You don't have to disclose that you're a virgin, but be upfront with men before you even meet that you don't rush into sex/intimacy. A good amount of them are going to be all "Oh yeah no problem for sure" because they'll still assume they have a chance at being the one to get in your pants. Then just don't fuck them until you feel ready. (I'd give it at least several months.) The ones looking for quick hook-ups will weed themselves out because they'll ghost after the first couple dates realizing that you were serious.

No. 161221

You can be friends first with a dude from online dating, too. I was friends with a guy from Tinder, my current boyfriend, for few months before we even touched hands lol. I was also a virgin and with a similar mindset as you, I just wanted to try out intimacy, gain some experience. (I didn't tell him I was a virgin, just waited a longer time to have sex, so I was sure he's a good choice)
So, if a hook up is not what you're looking for, weed out the horny coomers and talk with people who want to get to know you. Maybe it will come up in a conversation, but tbh you don't have to state you're a virgin at all. And I would advise not admitting to it until you get to know him enough to judge that he's a decent person, because for many guys you'd be a trophy.
Just be patient and picky, not everyone is there just to hook up.

No. 161240

Ugh, sounds like I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable ghosting.
The way your relationship progressed is so lovely! It's relieving to know that there's an actual chance at normalcy.

Thank you for the advice and motivation, guys. If any matches get weird about taking it slow, I'll just tell them to fuck off.

No. 161241

Nta but as a virgin myself, isn't the guy going to realize she's a virgin? I'm not talking about the whole hymen and bleeding shtick, I'm thinking that he would understand from seeing her that she has no experience and doesn't really know what the fuck to do. I just know that in the event that if I have sex one day I'll tell the person I'm completely new to this so that they don't expect anything amazing.

No. 161245

I think the other anons mean you don't have to disclose it immediately, but sure, after you've dated for several months and vetted him, if you decide you're ready, I don't see an issue with saying you're a virgin then. If you disclose it immediately, you're going to get virgin chasers who are only sticking around to "deflower" you.

NTA, but I recommend looking into stretching your hymen yourself, on your own time. Yes, the hymen can break in a lot of ways before sex, but sometimes it doesn't and it can make your first time incredibly painful. I used tampons for years, masturbated with fingers, etc, but nothing broke my hymen until I finally had sex. I wish I had done it myself because my first boyfriend was a total piece of shit and thought he owned me because he "popped my cherry." Consider using a dildo before sex if you want to avoid that part.

No. 161252

It's basically always amazing for the man. If they're inside you, 98% of the time they're gonna cum unless they get too anxious and in their own heads. I don't know if anon has watched porn (not that I recommend it) but if she has or is familiar enough with her vagina to put her fingers, a tampon, dildo, whatever inside it then doing so with a dick isn't much different. I know a good amount of women who didn't tell the first guy they were with they were virgins and none were the wiser. After all, even women who have had sex before can still be… I won't say "bad" in bed but more passive, so a girl simply lying back and spreading her legs isn't something most guys are unused to. (Sorry for the blunt image.) All this to say, if you want to give someone a heads up then fine, but you don't have to. And I definitely recommend >>161245 advice where you don't say anything until you're several months in/more serious. Otherwise guys get all weird and fetishy about it.

No. 161288

he won't notice because sex is not rocket science, most people are not very "skilled" at it anyway. Also, they say it's always a bit awkward with a new person, no one expects fireworks in the beginning. You can just play it off as "I'm not very experienced" if you're anxious but don't won't to admit to being a virgin. I did as >>161245 said, stretched my hymen myself, didn't admit to being a virgin because the whole construct and how it's treated angers me, I hate the idea of a man "taking it" so I decided the whole act will belong only to me. He didn't notice at all and my first time was nice, no pain, no discomfort. You could say I'm more experienced now, but is it that different than in the complete beginning? Not really, I only know better what works for me now. So don't be scared of appearing "new to this" etc.

No. 161301

How old were you when you knew for sure you did or didn't want kids? I've been seeing a lovely girl long-distance, and we get along great- tons of interests in common, similar long-term goals, except that she LOVES kids and wants her own one day, and I never really saw that for myself. I'm 23 and she's 27, and the grad program I'm in means I won't be working and making any real money until I'm 30. By then I'll have been working my ass off for so long that my main goal will be to see the world and enjoy the payoff of my work. I'd always imagined living the childfree gay travel lifestyle, but she sees herself settling down with at least 2 kids within the next few years. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm young and my feelings on kids and family might change, but I don't want to work so hard for so long only to be plunged into the sleepless hell of raising young children the second I'm out of my program. She's emphasized that she'd still love to travel with kids but idk… it just seems much harder to do it that way. Thoughts?

No. 161302

I've personally always known, ever since a child. I never felt the opposite way or doubted.

>She's emphasized that she'd still love to travel with kids but idk… it just seems much harder to do it that way. Thoughts?

Even if that's true, that's not a reason to have kids. You need to genuinely want them. It's true that you might change how you feel about having kids, but be very careful if that change happens, that it's natural and genuine. Don't let your judgement cloud for the sake of your gf.

I think a person who wants kids for sure and a person who doesn't want kids aren't compatible in a relationship. Either one's going to not have their way and resent the other for it, it's inevitable.

No. 161306

I've always known deep down that I never wanted to get married and have kids,but I really felt it and started to express it in my early teenage years. If I started to date someone and they told me they wanted to start a family, it would be an instant deal breaker. Also traveling with children is really fucking hard, you have to wait until a certain age for them to enjoy it, and even then traveling as a family is not the same at all as traveling between adults.

No. 161309

By 19/20 I was fairly certain I'd never change my mind. At 27 I dated a guy with one kid from a previous relationship. The kid being 11 and only visiting on weekends.. I really thought I could do it but I learnt that no I desperately wanted back my relaxing weekends after a stressful work week.

I wanted space and quiet time and date nights and my home to not have unpredictable mess and noise in it. I was working hard and then spending my weekends doing everything I could to accommodate the needs and wants of his son and I had no fun downtime ever. We'd no time as a couple, no holidays away. Every special occasion came with added stress. Maybe that makes me sound bad but I put on a brave face and tried so hard to fit around them and put my needs last. Every Sunday night when he drove the son home to mom I'd give him a big hug goodbye and as soon as they'd left I'd cry at the thought of the 24 month lease I had signed after this man told me we'd manage to still have time to ourselves.. I was naive to think it would work. I know that's not the same as having a child from the start obviously but I regretted even the small commitment of that lease so much that I can't begin to imagine how people feel if they get talked/nudged into actual parenthood by a partner.

Imo it's the number one thing that a couple needs to agree on.

No. 161356

I've been dating someone for 5 months now. He knows I have depression and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. He's comforting but really just kinda hugs me and doesn't know what to say. He's never had any similar mental illnesses or been close with anyone who has them. An incident with my family happened and I came over to his place crying and he kinda just hugged me again. I told him I felt really helpless in life.

He told me he doesn't know if he can be with me anymore because of my depression. He said it's hard to deal with and he doesn't understand it and it scares him. He also said I should find someone who loves me unconditionally.

It hurts so much. I hid my depression most of the time and have cried to him or opened up to him maybe 3 times max. I loved him, but he admitted he doesn't think he ever fell in love with me. I can't help but feel like shit because maybe he wouldn't have left me if I wasn't such a mess mentally.

It sucks and it hurts. I don't want to lose him but I feel like he deserves better and I should let him go.

No. 161358

anon he doesn't deserve someone better its you who does. it doesn't sound like you were being overly taxing in regards to expressing your emotions and your depression may just be a small reason as to why he didn't fall in love, sometimes people just can't help if they do or do not develop feelings. also, do you really want to be with someone where you have to hide your emotions and keep everything inside? i'm certain there is someone out there who will you for who you are and support you when you need it.

No. 161359

I'm so sorry anon, that must have been so devastating for you to have heard. I think it's awful of him to have gotten into the relationship if he knew he was out of his depth. It sounds like breaking up might be the best choice. Nothing to do with him deserving "better," but if he can't handle being in a relationship with someone who has mental illness then he should give you a chance to find someone who is understanding and, as he said, will love you unconditionally. It does suck and I know it hurts but I promise you will feel so much better in a relationship with someone who accepts this part of you, rather than feeling like you can't be forthcoming about your feelings and problems and being made to feel like you're a "mess" who doesn't deserve love. Speaking from some experience here, I dated a guy who broke up with me because of my anxiety. Have now been dating a guy for the past 2 years and it has never been an issue for him, not once has he ever made me feel like I was being a burden because of my mental illness. You deserve that too.

No. 161372

I know it feels unfair to be blessed with mental illness in the first place and to then feel abandoned at those low points is a kick in the gut.. But it only feels worse if years into dating they leave over it. 6 months in he didn't waste alot of your time, if that's any consolation in this.

One of my exes contacted me years after a break up to say he'd just had a panic attack for the first time and he was suddenly so so sorry for often walking away from me when I had them.. If its a case of 'I haven't directly experienced something so I couldn't possibly have empathy for it' then move on safe in the knowledge that it would've been an unavoidable break up. Don't beat yourself up.

No. 161404

I just want to say that there are girls who have issues with it, a lot of girls struggled with the first time like it would hurt too much or wouldn't fit. It might not be rocket science but it can be very difficult..

No. 161410

Yes, that's why me and other anons advised to do the stretching before. Few first tries (doing it alone) were difficult for me too, so I'm sure if I was doing it with a guy without preparation, it'd be painful and stressful. But after "breaking" your hymen yourself, there's really nothing to fear other than choosing a decent guy. Honestly I think this should be a part of sexual education and a universal advice for women. To "take their own virignity" first. Saves all the pain later

No. 161448

Bf broke up with me after 5 years together. I've had issues with mental health and that is reason he broke up with me. I'm in the middle of seeking mental health help right now but I feel like I'm getting worse. I live with ex-bf because I have no income and he still wants to help me get better since I am not doing well so I am staying here since I have no support system anyways. My mother also passed away a few months ago so grief on top of getting dumped by the one person I felt would stay by my side. Not sure what to do. I feel myself getting more depressed by the day. I have no income, no support system, no close family. Feels like it would be better to off myself. How am I supposed to improve in this state if I am trapped and have no support system? My ex-bf is kind but I am so hurt and I still am intimate with him because I am lonely and miserable.

No. 161458

>My ex-bf is kind
Is he, though? He broke up with you because you have mental health problems - shit excuse if you're grieving and getting help, and lets you live at his place in, let's say it, exchange of sex. Does it sound kind?
The most important thing is for you to get independent. Look for a job so you can move out. It's always very cathartic when you're no longer a slave to someone's "kindness". I'm sure it will help your mental health. It won't be easy, but it's possible to be your own support system. You just have to be extremely kind to yourself. Grab a self-help book (or a few) and try to follow what they say, for example Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, or The Power of Now. You're in a difficult situation but we humans are so adaptable and strong. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you need to put some work into it. Nothing can change if you stay in the same place. Small steps, small decisions but do them.

No. 161464

guy i've been seeing told me i was his gf about a week or two ago. everything was fine but that past few days he's been basically ignoring me, hasn't bothered messaging me or calling me, and if i'd send him something i wouldn't get much of a response. the new WoW expansion came out this week and i know he's really into it but that's still no excuse, especially considering he's online all the time… i don't feel good, and i hate how i'm regressing into this super "down" mood until if he eventually talks to me in which case i'll bounce back to a super high. it reminds me of my horrible relationship with my ex bf. i don't want to confront my bf about this either, if he's gonna pull back i want to pull back even more. i just don't know if i'm being unreasonable or what

No. 161465

Gamers are such high-risk boyfriends. Not worth it imo.

No. 161466

NTA but what do you mean high risk?

No. 161468

Look into getting on temporary benefits and getting housing, as an ex he won't stay that accomodating forever. Finding somewhere else to live is your top priority right now.

I've been there from the newly deceased mom to the lack of income to the post break up sex.. you need to put all your energy into getting out, not staying put and fucking this guy.

No. 161469

Move on and be glad you only wasted a week feeling this frustrated.

Take a break and work on your mental health before you look into dating again. It's not normal to be this dependant on someone only a week in. To have your moods dictated by them…You're clearly not in a good headspace to be dating anyone, especially not a man who is this detached.

No. 161470

i've been single for almost 3 years now so there's not much else i can do at this point in terms of my mental health. thanks though

No. 161471

It’s great that you are seeking help. Your boyfriend is not a nice person. Stop being intimate with him. If you are living and sleeping with him, then what makes it different? I don't know where you live so it's impossible to give practical tips for improving your housing situation etc.

Self help books are not meant for clinically depressed people. A healthy person can benefit from motivational messages but mentally ill people need proper professional care. I had to learn this myself by the hard way.

I’d start with getting help for your mental health. If I were you, I would keep seeking other apartment options but it's better to live with crappy ex than be homeless.

No. 161472

Staying single or knowing when to walk away is something you can do for yourself.

I can relate because I was similar a few years ago. But I got good at walking away from the shitty relationships that I at one point would've clinged to forever.

No. 161599

There's this guy I've known for years as a friend and recently we've moved on to the dating phase, it's going pretty great (although I'm a bit anxious because it's my first relationship). My question is, should I get him a Christmas gift? We are not official yet, we haven't even kissed yet so I'm reluctant to call him my boyfriend for now, and we may not even see each other during December because of the pandemic and its restrictions. Also if you have any advice for a dumbass 27 year old who has never dated before, I'm listening.

No. 161602

I'd say to get him something small he'll appreciate. If you get something expensive it may feel like too much pressure, but I'm sure he'll be happy to receive a present from you.

No. 161654

100% give him something. When I was just "hanging out" with my (now) bf, less than dating but clearly those were dates, I got him a birthday gift and it unexpectedly moved things forward. He was so happy with a scarf I got him he would always brag about it, very cute. Ideally get him something he needs or will use, so it remind him of you.

No. 161700

File: 1606701525086.jpg (77.85 KB, 960x720, iu2MUQOM8R.jpg)

No. 161882

My boyfriend has this habit of speaking… almost down to me? I'm not sure how to describe it. But when we get into a disagreement, he will almost try to play word games on me to try to "catch me" in a contradiction. It makes me feel so bad, like I was stupid, but now I'm realizing I wasn't wrong at all. It's just like a small nitpick in my wording, and then he acts like dismantles my whole argument, and I feel like he did but some part of me thinks I was still right/justified(?). I probably sound like a crazy person, maybe it's not too big of a deal… Just feels like it sometimes. Does any one know what I'm talking about?

No. 161894

You don't sound that crazy to me. If I'm reading this right, it sounds like he's scrutinizing minor aspects of how you deliver your point instead of your point itself, so he makes you feel wrong instead of making an attempt to understand you. If you recognize that your points are still valid, but your disagreements end with you feeling ashamed and insane then it doesn't seem like you guys have a constructive relationship. I don't think you should tolerate someone who is supposed to be committed to being supportive, and compassionate towards you having a habit of speaking down to you. My family would do exactly what you're saying and worse, completely negating my actual points, which would escalate into over-analyzing a casual conversation. I've tried leveling with them, but the same behavior would always turn up no matter the context, and it became really tiresome. Maybe there's hope for you guys to resolve this, though. Try approaching the subject with him gently, yet maintain your points, and see them through. If you can't come to some compromise, or he keeps belittling your opinions, then you should reconsider why you're still with him.

No. 161896

God. So my bf is a generally really great guy and I'm lucky to have him but I want to blow a gasket. Context
>bf extended stay with me/living with me due to some family issues
>I hate living with someone else or at least not used it but I love him so idc
>But again not used to it
>My room is my sanctuary, if it's messy it makes everything else worse and it's a lot more important because Im going through a lot right now
>I have expressed this point blank to my bf to help keep my room clean
>I suffer from depression/health issues etc and so sometimes its hard but I do try whenever I can
>he leaves his fucking trash for days and dirty plates and I had to remind him to go throw them away
>the few times ive pointed it out to him (NICELY) he points out that i have dishes sometimes or trash
>to his credit, anytime i want to clean my room he tells me right away he'll help me and he does but like

do i really have to fucking ask like he's a child why cant he show initiative on his own. There was one day where I wasn't coping well at all with just not being able to be myself as well as just my mental health being shit that day so i went out for a drive so i could calm down and not take it out on him, he messaged asking me to come back and that he was worried. ok cool, but when he came back….he did nothing? didnt even bother trying to fix my room a little or just something??? he just went to grab junk food while i was gone and then came back to play a game.

he has so many other wonderful qualities but fuck this just wants me to fucking be alone

No. 161916

Are you ready to be his bangmaid for the rest of your life. I'm not gonna be extreme and tell you to dump him right away but you really have to talk with him and tell him he's either there on your terms or he's fucking out.

No. 161941

so i've been in a ldr if you could even call it that for almost two years now, we were just internet friends that caught feelings for eachother, whatever. Never have actually met. Tried to make plans last year but my indecisive ass couldn't pick a place and then when I told him he should pick, he said he would later this year because he despises the heat. Anyway, come september I remind him that he still hadn't picked a place to meet at or a date. explain how it seemed he was putting it off and that I didn't want to meet next day per say but wanted a date to look forward to yknow, like between the days of x and x. So he gave me the date and I was happy, he didn't pick a place but it was whatever bc he still had around two months to pick and I thought he was just being picky wanting to impress me with the spot.

Anyways, beginning of december, days before we're supposed to meet, he tells me how he has covid and has to quarantine for 14 days. Our date is a few days outside those 14 days but still, I obviously don't want to meet with him.

So yeah idk if he's lying about it anons. I want him to get better, but idk if its time to move on. He probably knew that the only way I would say no to meeting was if he had covid. Granted he's exposed to a lot of people at his workplace, but what are the odds of working all these months and never catching the virus? and then I'm busy january-february and by march it'll be hot again and he'll probably say lets meet around sept-december. Who knows what he'll come up with next year

No. 161944

You've never met in 2 years and you both agreed to a date months in advance and he got cold feet. You will most likely meet this dude. I'm sure there's someone a lot closer to you that you could connect with.

No. 161946

*most likely never meet this dude. I'm impressed you've kept interest in him for so long without meeting.

No. 161947

Not to be ugly, but is it weird if a guy shows a lot of interest but hasn't once complimented your physicality? He's complimented my mind a ton and shows a lot of signs he's into me, but I want a verbal confirmation. Last time I saw him we were having a good time and I hesitated a bit before leaving because I thought he was going to ask something. And then he asked for a kiss and I got embarrassed and said no. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and he's been forward in messages but never has he once said I'm attractive? He's been flirtatious since but idk if I'm being vain but any guy that's been into me has said something to let me know he finds me attractive. Am I being weird?

No. 161953


Not really. I'm very socially anxious, work from home, and most of my hobbies are online. Not like I really care for meeting anyone, I just happened to connect with him and meeting seemed like the reasonable next step. Any advice on how I should go about distancing myself from him? Is it even worth talking it out or just block him everywhere. It honestly all seems so cringy when I think about it, like little kid stuff. If he actually liked me we would've met already.

I do like talking to him so maybe we could remain friends dunno

No. 161959

I mean, the fact he wanted to kiss you is a pretty strong indicator that he finds you (physically) attractive. Some guys try to avoid saying as much because they know women are inundated with "omg yur so hawt I wanna bang" and that just comes across as shallow, desperate and gross. I would take it as a sign of him being respectful, especially since you're not even officially together yet (it seems)? If anything, you turning down the kiss is going to seem like you're not interested. I would be upfront with him and just ask whether he thinks you're attractive if it's bothering you, so he knows you're okay with it. My boyfriend is actually like this too, mostly because he's a bit shy. But after I told him I like hearing that he appreciates my looks he's much more forthcoming. So go for it and don't hold back on your end if you like him too, otherwise that's going to give mixed signals!

No. 161964

Vent/wanting advice, on my phone so excuse the formatting blah blah.

I'm in a relationship where the guy I'm dating is older. He's really sweet and hasn't been disrespectful towards me or anything in spite of us spending multiple nights together and in close proximity. I feel like I've "seen" him in different circumstances but I've yet to stress test certain other things. He's not a typical scrote which is good, he's vocal about his sensitivities and is communicative.

I do have one really bad feeling though: He's unaccomplished and complacent with it. Don't get me wrong. He has a master's degree the same as I do. He has good work ethic in that he goes to his job, takes it seriously, isn't tardy, etc. But the pay is extremely low and I admit that I'm a bit resentful that despite being older than me (having had more time to have tried to build himself professionally) and being male (benefitting from patriarchal standards like being offered job promotions easier and assumed more competent by default)…he's done nothing besides stay as a store cashier supervisor–no, not a manager. Although he'd been offered to be trained for more responsibility at some point he said he declined because he wants a steady worklife balance. Okay, I get that, store managers don't often have great worklife balances and tons of stress. Try a different career, like an office job like myself? Nah, he doesn't want that. I guess he wants to teach but tbh for his age he's waaaaaay late in the game to be getting into that as someone not certified and has never gotten into education, like he wouldn't be making jackshit for money. He taught privately oversees in Belgium in his early 20s but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to teaching here.

I can be a pickme and try to pretend like money isn't a big deal, but it is. I need a man who makes decent pay, not someone who's just going to be my roommate that I fuck, and be screwed if I ever find myself out a job. I wanna know what it's like to be those pampered women who barely work and have the majority of their life provided for. I'm not asking to be spoiled, I just want the security of knowing that if I needed to be taken care of, that it were possible.

I worked hard and struggled to be seen in my industry, and only after a time of being undervalued and rejected that I finally got a salaried job. Whereas I am so positive that if a male were in my shoes and worked as hard as I did, he'd be making twice my salary right now. Because that's the preferential treatment I've seen men get from a quarter of the work. Not bitter, just reality. I make okayish money, which is made mediocre due to my debts trying to get to this point.

We talked about things like buying a house and family down the road, but unless he really pushes himself to make more money somehow I literally can't entertain those things with him. Like I might as well do it alone if he's going to barely skirt by with a low level job. It just seems unfair to be putting in all this work-as if my job is easy and no stress-and expected to be the default parent to kids someday, while this man gets to have an easymode job. Sorry, but, I'm bothered and I can't pretend.
Should I write him a letter laying out how I feel in better terms? I think I can reason with him but he is sensitive and I don't want to seem like I'm attacking or being combative. It's been less than a year but this issue is very important to me. Fortunately we don't plan to move in together until the summer so I still have time to decide if I want to see him through.

No. 161968

Imo it's completely fine if you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to get a better paying job despite being able to, but he's also not in the wrong for not wanting that.

But sure, writing it down in a letter is a good way to get your thoughts and feelings across.

No. 161983

My thoughts were he's looking for an easy rebound, like asking for a kiss without showing that much keen interest prior. I mean he pays me a lot of attention, but again, not sure if because he's just itching for some action. Just feels odd to not outright state he finds me attractive, it seems more like he deems me easy? I know a kiss might not be a big deal, but from his messages he's expressed further interest but this is again without once saying he likes my looks.

No. 161992

Anon, it sounds like he just isn't financially equipped to support a family or even just you. It's fine to want those things, however, with no ambition to further his career prospects, I don't think he'll be able to support either of those things in the long run. It'll either mean you'll have to pick up the slack (which sounds like something you don't want), or he has to (which sounds like something he doesn't want). Just say that you guys aren't compatible in a very serious way. Your wants aren't unfair, however, you've gotta respect that he might not want the same. Just communicate this issue before it becomes too late.

No. 162153

I'm breaking up with my scrote of 5 years tomorrow.
Wish me luck so that I go through with it.

No. 162154

congratulations anon, you're doing yourself a big favor.

No. 162185

this is so classic lolcow, thanks girls, I'm thankful for this place

No. 162458

File: 1607367925540.jpg (72.61 KB, 1200x1163, 139735-140263.jpg)

>Be me, f24, bf m29, happy relationship full of laughter and hugs
>January ltr until June, I move to his city to study postgrad (not because of him, was going to do this anyway), date in person from June to present
>First relationship, having all my firsts with him
>Know self and know I want a relationship that will ‘go somewhere’, want to date to marry/have kids, don’t want a stagnant relationship
>He lives with his parents, has not told them about me, he is 2nd-gen Indian, I’m white
>Says he wants to keep his private life private, tells his parents he is with his friends when he spends time with me
>Told him I love him a month ago, he says he’s not ready for that yet
>Looking for housemates for next year (It’ll be my final year of study), housemate asks why I’m not considering moving in with bf, nervously laugh when the subject is brought up

How do people in relationships have talks about where something will go and what kind of a relationship they’re in? I used to just worry about beginning to have sex late and what it would mean but it seems I’m a complete social incompetent in general.

Wat do, anons?

No. 162459

Anon I hope your break up was successful

No. 162461

>Says he wants to keep his private life private
Anon this is complete bullshit, there's more to this. I bet his parents won't approve him marrying a white girl or something like that.

No. 162471

If I were you, I'd break up with him. Cultural difference or not, hiding details like him lying about who he's hanging out with friends is a pretty big red flag. Even if he eventually tells his parents about you, are you comfortable with him always lying about it before he reveals you to them? Also I see that you told your bf you loved him but he didn't say it back… Correct me if I'm wrong but it's been a year long relationship with happiness and laughter, but he doesn't feel ready to say it? I understand that some people want to take their time, but considering he lies about you to his parents, it's such a red flag. When will he feel ready? Will he ever feel ready, or will he keep on moving goalposts? I went through similar circumstances and I always felt like shit when he told me that his parents didn't know about me at all whereas I told my parents about him and briefly met him.

No. 162473

He wants to keep his private life private…shouldn't you be his private life? Basically what he's saying is he wants to keep you private, as in hiding you? From his family, who should be the first people to share his happiness with? I mean, you're not teenagers anymore, right?
Just my opinion, but I think you shouldn't make any future plans as far as he's concerned. Also, do you feel like he's making efforts to meet your expectations, or is it one sided only?

No. 162474

You're hardly going to be able to make future plans with him if in your present he can't even commit to you by disclosing to his parents he's in a relationship with you.

No. 162475

File: 1607372861279.jpg (25.67 KB, 333x331, Love.jpg)


Thanks guys, I feel like with things like this I just can't really judge what's normal because it’s all so new to me.

I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage lately to ask questions like, ‘What would your family think of me? Do you think they’d like me?’ It’s so awkward navigating what might be a cultural difference I just don’t get, but you’re right-it does kind of give me a pang when I’m next to him while he’s on the phone with his mom and telling her he’s with soandso.

>I think you shouldn't make any future plans as far as he's concerned

Sadly, I fear you’re right on that anon.

No. 162479

>almost 30 year old bf has been dating you for almost a year, won't say he loves you, hides your existence from his parents
Anon, absolutely none of this is normal and you deserve much better. I'm assuming this is not his first relationship, so he should have some idea what he's looking for. Anyone in their late 20s who's still this noncommittal is not worth your time. Age is pretty important here, it's not like you're in high school and he's dating behind his parents' backs. Even if his parents are somewhat traditional, being in a relationship is pretty expected at his age. There is no good reason for him to keep it a secret, unless he has no intent to be serious with you.

I think you should be assertive and ask where the relationship is going because it sounds like he's content at keeping things casual forever.

Also, by 2nd gen, you mean his parents were born here, correct? Even if they're immigrants and maybe don't speak English that well, a man at that age who cares about you is going to introduce you and make sure they're aware of you. My ex's parents spoke very little English, but we met each other after 2 months.

No. 162486

Nah, they weren't born here but he was.

No. 162521

>Even if they're immigrants and maybe don't speak English that well, a man at that age who cares about you is going to introduce you and make sure they're aware of you.
Am I the only one who immediately assumed he's hiding anon from his parents because they wouldn't approve of a white gf, and he has no intention of marrying a non indian woman? Non white guys wanting to bang white girls for fun but marry someone from the same background is pretty standard.

No. 162531

so i got out of a very long-term relationship a few months ago and since late october i've been hooking up with one of my friends, and everything was super chill for a while but lately things have been getting weird? he's one of my best friends at this point and our relationship has admittedly always been a little flirtatious but things have gotten to a point where i'm not sure it's entirely casual anymore.

we've hung out like, at least once a week for the last ~6 months and since december started it has been even more often because he took the month off of work, we talk to each other constantly, and every weekend i sleep over at his house, in his bed. for a while we were just fucking and maintaining our friendship but now things seem like they're veering in a different direction? i'm not sure how to describe it because it's not necessarily big stuff, but he's been a lot more physically affectionate with me outside of sex, giving me head kisses and shit when no one else is around, complimenting me more, wanting to spend even more time with me than usual, when i sleep over we cuddle and kiss each other a lot more than previously, the last time we hooked up he hit me with "nobody's perfect but you're pretty close," he has gotten me way too much shit for christmas, like more than any of his other friends, and like… i'm dense as fuck when it comes to identifying when someone has feelings for me but this one seems kind of obvious??

the biggest issue is that he's going away for 6 months for work at the end of the month and won't be back until summer. i don't know if he is interested in me beyond hooking up or if he wants a relationship or what, but i'm not ready to date anyone yet and i definitely don't want to get into a long distance relationship right now either. at the same time, i'll admit that i've started simping a little bit, and while i'm not certain how i feel i know that i feel more than friendly towards him at the moment.

idk, i guess mostly i wanna know if it seems like his behavior indicates that he feels some type of way because i really am just super autistic about this shit and while i have my suspicions i truly do not know how to interpret things so if any of you with more emotional intelligence than i possess have any thoughts let me know. secondary to that, how the fuck do i deal with the next 6 months? i spend a stupid amount of time with him and going from seeing each other constantly to not seeing each other at all for half a year has me stressed af. i feel like this is very disjointed so i'm sorry if i sound like a sperg i'm just so confused and unsure of what to do and i don't want to fuck up my relationship with him in any way.

what do

No. 162536

samefag but i just remembered also that we spent thanksgiving together because neither of us went home to see our families, and he met my dad while he was helping me move (which he also helped SO much with) recently and asked me later what my dad thought about him which i thought was a little odd but brushed it off, but in retrospect, well, i feel kinda dumb

he also built me a whole ass commander deck for MTG completely unprompted and themed it around the cards i like and just now he asked me to come wrap presents and put up his christmas tree and decorate this week, too

am i just an idiot
i feel like maybe i'm a big fuckin idiot

No. 162544

My boyfriend gets into depressive episodes when things don't go out the way he imagined.
Lately, he's been trying to find another job and every interview has been a dead end, either they reschedule or just straight up forget the interview occurring that day and just drop him. I've gone to interviews with him, sitting in the car, so I know he's not making anything up.
After the initial disappointment, he makes very uncomfortable statements like how he wishes he wasn't alive and no one will listen to him or care about him or how everybody wants him dead. I don't know how to make him feel better. He does this often, at least once every other week, he'll say similar statements because of stressful situations that happen at his job.
I'm just wondering if it will ever get better for him. I've been dating him for 6 years and we live together and there were extended periods of time where he didn't feel the need to say how he hopes he dies in a car crash. It's gotten to a point where it's affecting me and now I have moments where I tell myself I don't want to come home and find out he actually went through and killed himself.
I've told him he should start to look for a therapist and even the therapists are not answering his emails or calls. I know it's an unfortunate situation, but I honestly don't know if I have the patience anymore to keep worrying if more bad luck will come his way and I will be burdened with the repercussions of him losing his life. I just don't want to be there for that moment, if it happens.
I feel like an asshole.
I want to escape that situation and would be better off being alone than dealing with the loss of my depressed boyfriend because of repeated instances of bad luck. At the same time, I have no idea if my next relationship will be riddled with bad luck as well, I guess I just need someone who doesn't react so negatively to bad luck like my boyfriend does to the point where I just worry and worry if the depression will get to him. Is this rational? Is this a rational excuse to want to break up with someone? What makes things even more frustrating is we're moving to another apartment in a couple weeks. We signed the lease and everything. I just have hopes things will turn out for the better in the coming months.

If he's concerned about how your family feels about him, there's definitely something deeper he's thinking about when it comes to you, but at the same time you mention he's about to leave for a few months. I am assuming, if he's not considering you his girlfriend, he's probably nervous about being away for so long so he's making up for the time lost. I dunno, definitely ask him straight up if you get the chance.

No. 162546

Go jump him! How much more obvious can he get? He sounds sweet btw.

No. 162549

So I'm a lot like your boyfriend in regards to that when bad things happen it feels like the absolute end of the world. Though I know at the end of the day I'm not actually going to off myself in those instances because I mean I haven't yet and they all equally feel as terrible. Yeah, I realize it's very annoying an immature way to deal with things but mental illness isn't rational. Regardless I still realize in even those heavy instances that sometimes I just need to keep it to myself not to worry others. I'm not saying for you to tell him to do that because he'll probably take it harshly but I'm just saying that as a way that maybe he'll start doing that someday? Of course that isn't certain so I wouldn't really blame you for not sticking around to just wait and see and it's probably not good for you to just wait around. He really does need therapy though and if you stay with him it sounds like you may need to start seeking therapy as well do to the amount of stress he brings to you. Just so you know, you're not an asshole if you leave him. At the end of the day we only can really rely on ourselves so looking after our own well being is the most important plus if you're getting very burnt out from this then you'll probably struggle supporting him emotionally to begin with. If you do stay do make sure to find ways to take care of yourself so you don't get burnt out.

No. 162557

He doesn't even say he loves you he clearly isn't serious about you, and it sounds like it's more of a casual thing for him and not so much romantic..

No. 162561

A few months ago I requested a "break" from my relationship so we could work on our communication skills, as we both have very unhealthy ways of dealing with our problems. I had asked him to delete all of the nudes he had of me, and he told me that he did. Since then we've been working on repairing our relationship and he's been asking me to get back together, recently I've been feeling like he's shown a lot of growth and that we could get back to normal so I've been really looking forward to that.
Last night I found out that he never deleted my nudes like he said he did. He gave me some big spiel about how he couldn't "bare to let that part of us go". It felt like a total violation of my trust, and like he lacked respect for me as a person. I don't know how to feel right now, ladies please someone talk some sense into me

No. 162563

That is fucking scary and ridiculous, as well as a complete violation of your trust. It is very telling about his attitude towards these things. I would sit next to him, watch him delete every photo and then leave. Even then, you can't trust him to not have them saved elsewhere.

No. 162571

>couldn’t bare to let that part of us go
Weird that it’s just nude photos of you, though. I agree with the other anon that said you should watch him delete them (don’t forget to go to deleted photos and permanently delete them if he has an iPhone), then. Idk, it’d be very difficult for me to get over, but it’s up to you. I’d probably leave for good. Just be wary that they might have uploaded to his laptop or whatever too. Ugh, scrotes are the dirt fucking worst, I’m so sorry anon.

No. 162578

>It felt like a total violation of my trust, and like he lacked respect for me as a person.
That's not "felt like" that is a total violation of your trust and lack of respect for you as a person.

No. 162583

No offence, but if you send nudes to a guy it's sort of out of your hands what he then does with them. This is the main reason I have never sent nudes. If someone I'm dating wants to see me naked they can do so in person and get me off while they're at it. I never understood the validation people seek from sending their nudes to others.

No. 162649

not sure if there's a better thread for this, if this isn't the right place please let me know.

I'm definitely a BPDchan or some bullshit (seeking help, have outpatient appointment this month). my boyfriend has gone home for the holidays and because I have no object constancy my brain is reacting as if I'm never going to see him again. He's reassured me that he'll text and call but I still feel like I need some help distracting myself. I'm gonna be spending a lot of the holidays with my roommate and her bf (none of us can go home due to corona) and I'm a bit worried I'm just going to feel bitter and lonely the whole time.

No. 162951

Hey anons, I’m really needing some help. So I’m dating this guy and we’ve been dating for about 4 months, we’ve spent so much time together and text everyday. I really love him a lot and he tells me he loves me but I feel like I need constant reassurance that he still loves me. Our texts have become more relaxed and he doesn’t call me pet names as much, and I read far too much into it. It’s my first relationship and at the start I was much more relaxed and carefree but now I’m scared that I’m maybe too clingy and am too uptight at the minute and I suspect it’s because my feelings for him have grown so much. I don’t want to break up with him at all, any advice on how to be more chill and relaxed is welcome.

No. 162969

Abandon the concept of how to be more chill, have your boyfriend know that you need more affection. It's completely normal to want affection in relationship, and since you say that your texts "became more relaxed" it implies he was capable of being more loving in the way he referred to you in the past, right? Just have a conversation about it, calm and open, tell him that this is what you enjoy getting from a partner and it would make you feel good to have a bit more of it. There's no need to tone your needs down.

No. 163026

File: 1607752943197.jpg (7.67 KB, 235x247, dc2f2f99acd7d9f2cfff678206289b…)

so uhh i have boyfriend who is very anxious and even to the point of overthinking and thinking im doing things behind his back, even if im not. I really try to be very careful that i don't invalidate his feelings or misunderstand how hes feeling. It's mostly betrayal and cheating hes afraid of which i do understand since he had exes who did that kind of stuff to him. I really want to know what i should say to him and how to help him with his anxiety.

I really love him and appreciate him, and it really hurts to see him being in pain constantly because of past things that still bother him to this day. I just want things to get fixed for him, him seeing happy and healthy is my only goal right now for him.

so anons, what should i tell him? what should i do to make him feel better? and what can i do so he feels secure and confident in our relationship?

thank you in advance

No. 163030

Why are you acting like his mental health is your responsibility? You haven't done anything wrong, you shouldn't have to do anything to fix it. If his irrational paranoia is actually due to anxiety rather than just being a jealous asshole who doesn't trust you, and if he gives a single fuck about treating you with respect, he should be seeing a therapist and actively working on improving himself.

The amount of emotional labour you're trying to do for a guy who is exhibiting a common abusive trait is just not right.

No. 163037

Anon, I've dated guys like this and it's such a common manipulation tactic. They say they're traumatized from a cheating ex, so they need to always know where you are, who you're with, what you're doing, who you're texting, etc, or they say you don't care about them. You wind up walking on eggshells and not hanging out with other people because he thinks you're going to cheat when you're not around him. It leads to a controlling relationship where you always feel like you have to make up for something.

>>163030 is right, he needs to address his issues with therapy and not accuse you of doing shit behind his back. If he's really that paranoid, there is nothing you can do to make things better. It's like assuring someone with OCD that they did indeed lock the door; they're not gonna believe you. The problem is with him.

No. 163041

Anon that’s a great help thank you so much! We’re going out tonight so I’ll mention it, he’s very understanding so I know it’ll be fine. :)

No. 163042

He needs to stop treating you as if you were his exes. You didn't do anything and still he's overreacting like that, wtf. My partner was cheated on as well but that doesn't mean he has to suspect me of doing the same.

No. 163047

It’s not your job to fix him.
If you’ve already expressed your support for him as his girlfriend then you don’t have anything more to do. He’s not even “happy and healthy” around you and is constantly worried you’re betraying him. Insecurity is one thing, but he sounds pretty pathetic. He needs to get over it or seek help from a professional.

No. 163050

You can't really do anything that will directly help him fix his anxiety. You know you can't tell him "I won't cheat on you so don't be anxious" because that's not how anxiety works. Overcoming anxiety and overthinking is a process on the inside. It's something he has to work through himself, maybe with professional assistance.

Your role as an outside factor is a passive one: you can't actively fix him but you can be loyal and understanding, therefore not worsening his anxiety and supporting healing once it sets in. From what you've said it seems you're already doing that.

No. 163065

Putting this here cause who needs another relationship rant in the vent thread?

I met and started dating my current bf over the summer. Right off the bat he confessed he was still renting with his ex, who's legally still his wife. I contacted her through social media and she confirmed he was telling the truth, they were sleeping in separate rooms and that their marriage had been over for a couple of years, and that they had married too young, etc.
At first I saw it as a warning but my bf painted the situation as if he was being considerate cause the truth of the matter is that she is chronically underemployed, can't drive, and has no friends or family. He was willing to endure their remaining lease cause she can't afford a place herself so it would have bought her time to get her shit together or find another man to live with. Instead? She's been fucking around with another married man who is not going to help her and is blatantly using her for sex. Aka not really getting her shit together. I did feel empathy for her because their relationship had been for over a decade and she didn't seem like the type to easily adjust to things. He insisted she wouldn't be a problem. Fucking. Guess.
She's mental.

It started as her banning my boyfriend from their apartment on certain days and locking him out. He pays half the rent there. As a result my boyfriend started to spend all his time at my apartment. In part I like the time and attention, but another factor is he's too scared to handle her outbursts. I know he tries to be helpful here by doing dishes, taking out the trash, buying me snacks. He's nice to me and isn't mean or rude. But the matter is he doesn't pay me any rent money and he's constantly short on cash to do anything. So it's been really peeving me that he's paying for another woman's rent so she gets a place all to herself. That's bullshit. But whenever he steps foot in that apartment, she starts a fight over something. She threatens suicide whenever he says anything to her and doesn't get her way.
The second issue had been their divorce proceedings. There has been delay with the paperwork due to covid, so I had to keep asking my bf because he's one to avoid her confrontations. Thankfully she agreed to a no contest divorce. When he finally obtained and signed the divorce papers from the law firm, and when she was meant to be served the papers for her to sign the other day, she pretended she wasn't home.
Turns out she's now making demands before she signs them. One of them is teaching her how to drive…this is a grown ass woman who's older than me. So bf like usual was venting to me about her, and because I'm a supportive gf I entertained it.

Bf was a fucking idiot and left his unlocked ipad at their apartment after one of his stops to pick up stuff. Apparently his texts between me and him were pinging off on the ipad so this bitch unlocked the ipad to read EVERYTHING ever texted between me and my bf. Including the part where bf went off about her not signing the divorce papers and I responded with a "Haha."
She then proceeded to confront me over social media to call me two-faced, a traitor, insisting I had turned my bf into a monster against her, I wasn't a good person, and that I stole her "best friend" from her. What the fuck!
I told her she violated a major boundary and crossed the line. It made me so fucking mad because I never talk about her at all, and I'm usually the one telling bf to be nice to her to keep the peace. The only reason why I entertained my bf ranting about the divorce papers was because I was trying to be a supportive person–not to mention that she was objectively being a blackmailing shithead so I didn't feel bad. She did this to me while I was at work. I told her any other woman would have cussed her out and blocked her for that audacity.
I did wind up blocking her.

Now bf is whiny at me because I forbade him from stepping into my apartment again until those divorce papers are signed and I see proof.
I also demanded that after she signs the divorce papers, that he finds a way to move out. I told him if he struggles with any of this that he needs to talk to a lawyer instead of assuming what can and can't be done. Apparently his apartment won't allow him to break the lease unless it's a domestic violence situation. He may be able to get a restraining order if he can prove she's unhinged, so maybe. Cause he definitely doesn't have the money to pay the remaining months of rent off. Even if he did, there's a possibility she'd just pocket his half of the money and spiral them in unpaid rent because she's that spiteful. Whatever, I told him that if he really wanted something with me that he would find a way to make this work.
He whined that I was "punishing" him and whined that I was trying to "break us." I didn't indulge that manipulative bs for a second and said he'd get it done or that I'd walk. I've been far too fucking patient.

I'm so mad at him. I'm so mad that he didn't take care of this divorce shit until he started dating me. I'm mad that he insisted things would be okay when it turns out this woman is a nutcase.
I'm so fucking mad because I thought I found a respectful guy after so many assholes, just to betray me by dragging me into this crazy ex nonsense.
My friends think it's bullshit. My dad thinks I should give him an opportunity to fix things because he's been good to me and I shouldn't jump to ruining things. But obviously if I don't draw a line in the sand then the situation is just liable to be dragged out even further than it already has been.

No. 163087

Wow. Well I think you're well aware that you've tolerated far more bullshit than the average person would. Is your bf worth it? Nothing here really indicates it, I would be pissed as hell that he had the fucking audacity to blame ME for "punishing him/breaking the relationship" when these issues are entirely stemming from him, his stupid decision to date before he was fully separated from his ex and her obsessiveness. This is not on you whatsoever. All I can say is that I'm glad you're establishing boundaries now. Better late than never, don't walk them back. Sorry but you're dad is being an idiot on this topic, this guy has proven he's not respectful. Once again, you aren't ruining shit - he is. How he handles the rest of this will determine whether he's worth your time or not but so far he's basically handled this like a spineless parasite.

No. 163137

File: 1607862195228.jpeg (27.47 KB, 360x359, A238032E-1EF6-4852-B5D2-28EE80…)

It’s been 2 months. Do I respond

I miss laughing because of him and how good of a listener he was

No. 163139

Don’t do it. Why did he take two months to message you back? There’s not many viable excuses.

No. 163165

how am I supposed to be in a relationship when bodily functions turn me off so much? ie not constantly having fresh breath, farting, stuff like that. I feel so immature because I'm in my mid 20s basically but I can't help it

No. 163202

Lol anon I feel the same so at least you're not alone. Maybe try to find someone who hates it as much as you do and tries their best to stay clean and not let it rip around you. Even people who aren't as anal as I am about these things would agree you shouldn't have to put up with a partner who has terrible breath and farts on you all the time. But these things do happen unfortunately, as much as we try it's just part of being human. So I think even if you got into a relationship with someone who tries really hard not to do these things, you would have to accept that on some level, we all have these unflattering moments.

No. 163217

File: 1607916646311.jpeg (81.76 KB, 1079x1031, 4C437F54-1BFA-43FC-9836-450B92…)

It was me who didn’t respond for 2 months. I’ve left him on read for longer but he still replies with a sense of earnest that makes me feel deluded to think that he was waiting for me. I feel like I’m playing a game with him that he didn’t sign up for and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m moving this to confessions because I am going to take your advice and cut contact with him.

No. 163223

Does anyone have advice for opening up a long term relationship? I've been with my fiance for 5 years and it's something we've talked about for a long time and finally decided to try out. I helped him set up a tinder account last night and it occurred to me that both of us are really far removed from that and pretty clueless about it. Neither of us were admittedly ever good at it in the first place. We ended up just making his bio a semi self depricating joke and a disclosure that he's in an open relationship but I worry that that comes off too close to unicorn hunting to other people. I might just be paranoid about it, but I know that's a huge problem in communities like that and it wouldn't be either of our intentions anyway as it's not something I'm comfortable with. Anyway, I dont know anyone irl in an open relationship well enough to talk to about this so any advice would be great or if you could point me towards a more relevant advice resource

No. 163235

> inb4 it ends the same way ProJared drama started
If you guys are so bored with eachother, why don't you just break up?

No. 163236

I haven't seen my boyfriend in 3 or 4 weeks due to travelling for Thanksgiving followed by covid quarantining. I live about 90 minutes away due to school, but we made an effort to see each other once every week or two weeks before all this.

That said, I've been feeling a little piggish lately. I'm already a bit chonky but I can tell that I've put on weight from the fat around my face due to Thanksgiving and shitty eating habits because of finals stress. I know my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful and always tells me and encourages me when I feel terrible, even supporting me in my New Year's resolution to wear a non-high-rise bikini to the beach, but I'm kind of…embarrassed for him to see me? Especially to see me naked. Earlier today I impulse bought a lingerie teddy because I thought it would be a fun surprise but now I'm just mortified at the idea of him seeing me in it. Despite all these hangups I'm SUPER horny and miss him physically, so I've just been feeling a bit frustrated and don't know what I'm going to do.

No. 163245

You are seeking a unicorn

No. 163257

Open relationships are a form of abuse. Especially if either or both of you have been monogamous to the point of not being able to set up a tinder account. You/your bf (whoever tried to initiate it first) will not have the cake and eat it too. Period.

No. 163267

i'm sure your boyfriend still views you as attractive anon, as much as just hearing that might not really help. maybe try to eat a little healthy just to feel better physically/go on a walk and see how that feels? i'm sure it's gonna be fine once you see him. also, he seems like the kind of guy to give reassurance if you ask for it. good luck!

No. 163296

I have questions:

1. Why don't you get to have a tinder account?
2. Why does your third have to be a woman instead of a man? (Btw it is a unicorn by definition).
3. Do you even want this?
4. What do you hope or expect that introducing a third romantic and sexual partner for your man is going to do for you and the relationship?

No. 163331

Ok so get this. I haven't heard from my boyfriend in almost 2 weeks. He's like completely vanished into thin air. There were no signs beforehand and I felt like we were on great terms. One day he texted me "Hiiii :)" and then poof! We've been together for just a little over a year and live 1 1/2 hours away from each other. What do you guys think I should do?

No. 163333

Did you try messaging him already? If so, can you contact any of his family or friends to make sure he's okay?

No. 163336

Yeah, I tried twice. He texted me on a Thursday and I replied that same day. No response, so I texted him the following Monday, asking him a question about coming to see him. No response. As the week continued, I got more worried so I texted him again this past Friday, asking if he's ok. This has happened once before when he was in the hospital for something minor, but he got back to me within a week. I'm not close with any of his family and I just feel like it'd be weird if I contacted them via social media out of the blue, because then they'd know I went searching for them, you know?

No. 163344

I understand, but other than that I'm not sure what else you could do. Calling the police to do a wellness check would probably be even worse. If they know you two are dating, I think it should be fine.

No. 163345

It’s a tough one, I’m sorry anon. Is it out of character for him to do this? Is it possible he is hiding something from you that might have blown up, especially near Christmas? I’d try to give it a couple more weeks then contact his family. It will feel awkward but you deserve to know what’s happened. Of course you’d be searching for information because your boyfriend has disappeared, that is the most normal part of this!

No. 163353

File: 1608081326241.png (Spoiler Image,145.32 KB, 674x1354, Screen Shot 2020-12-15 at 8.09…)

Thank you, anons ♥ I'll probably try again once my finals are out of the way. If that doesn't work, I'll reach out to his family. I'm the type to go through every possible case scenario because my brain needs to rationalize everything that happens in the world, even if I know some things just happen for no reason.

Anyway, these are our last texts. Nothing seems out of the ordinary to me, personally. Please don't bully for how cringe we are kek. This is my first relationship and we're likely still going through the honeymoon phase

No. 163358

He probably is dating someone else lol

No. 163362


To ghost you like this in a relationship of over a year is totally unacceptable behavior and you need to put your foot down, if not break up with him for disrespecting your feelings. I'm in a relationship with a similar distance. Communicating by text or call is very important if you're not seeing each other as frequently as couples who live closer together.

If this is one of his first relationships, I might give him the benefit of the doubt and think well he just didn't really know and men are stupid. But if it's not from a lack of experience, he should know damn well that ghosting for two weeks is super not okay. If you don't hear back I'd just assume you're not dating anymore and get back in the game.

No. 163370

Tbh, even in my first relationship- after a couple months we stopped talking like that because I actually think that overt sweetness is a buffer to actually getting close. Also, I think you should drive over and see what the hell is going on? Who doesn’t contact their girlfriend for two weeks?

No. 163389

I know I'd be worried sick and probably contacted his friends / family solid week ago. Do it, for the peace of mind alone; doesn't matter you're not close with any of them, they'll understand where it's coming from after such a long time of no communication.

also nothing wrong about being sweet with each other, I'm the same with my bf of three years because we just love each other and both enjoy being cute/cringe with our honest feelings

No. 163402

My bf wants me to keep my virginity till marriage? We're both not religious so um wtf

I told him early on I did not want to get married but seems like it went in one ear and out the other. Obvi want to be with him forever but if things get bad we can both easily walk out. Or is that an immature take on my part? Either way, even if I did wanna get married sometime, with him maybe, why do we have to wait. Also he's not a virgin (or at least what he claims to not be), so why would he care so much? especially since it's my body for me to decide. also he once brought up anal a little ago and I shut him down, now I'm wondering if this was why. this is so fucking weird it's just my vagina there's nothing especial to it. Is this some sort of weird red flag? Does he want to keep me a virgin forever because it's some sort of fetish to him? should I threaten him with a dildo? it sounds like I'm memeing now but seriously anons. If we're going to get married it doesn't make a difference if we have sex before or after and it's frustrating

No. 163404

Samefagging to say that on the other hand, piv is probably not much better than clitoral stimulation so I'm also not missing out on anything. Like, most women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation, so ig piv is only to have kids. Still tho I want to try piv out.

No. 163405

imo this is a major red flag and something that, at least for me, would be an immediate, pretty major dealbreaker.
your boyfriend shouldn't get any say whatsoever when it comes to your virginity, especially if he's inconsiderate enough to flagrantly disregard your disinterest in marriage. it seems very possessive and patriarchal and you are not at all being immature for not being interested in marriage. you are, presumably, an adult, and you are more than welcome to make any choice you want in regard to sex and marriage, don't let anyone try to tell you you're wrong about what you want to do with your own body and your own life (unless you're doing meth anon don't do meth)
it seems to me like he's fetishizing your "purity" and especially if he's not also a virgin he seems kind of like a controlling dirtbag to me.

for real dude don't let some guy try to convince you to do or not do anything with your own body. and piv is certainly not just for having kids, as a woman who can generally only orgasm through external stimulation i would still say that piv is very fun and very pleasant as long as you're with the right partner. i don't want to sound condescending or rude so please forgive me if it comes across that way but you seem relatively young, and as someone approaching 30 i'm genuinely kind of appalled at your bf's behavior and would get the fuck out of there if i was you, if he doesn't care about something as big as whether you want to get married or have sex then he probably doesn't care too much about consent or, well, you. if he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't care enough about you for him to be worth your time. if there is one thing i've learned in my life it's don't let men exhaust you and wear you down into doing whatever dumbass shit they want. you're your own person and, while cliche, it is your body and your choice and no one has any right to tell you otherwise, especially not a partner.

No. 163406

I'm 21 anon!
And tbh I don't know if he's apprehensive because when he asked why I was still virgin whileso old I told him because I cared enough who I lost it to. I still don't think of myself as a high moral person solely for caring who I have sex with,and maybe he thinks this is what I really want. Based on what he's told me, he cared about his virginity when he was young and seems to be disappointed to have lost it to someone who cheated on him (stripping, and maybe prostitution) so his view on sex might be stained now and wants to relive it through me? that's what it seems like to me anyways rather than him being patriarchal.

I think if I frame piv in the way I see it (as something very lovingly intimate etc etc) he won't care so much about waiting for marriage maybe. I still haven't brought it up but your reply makes me want to prove him further because I'm afraid you're right and he's being ill intentioned.

No. 163414

Nta but virginity is your own personal choice. How paternalistic and sexist is it of him fo make that choice for you? (I’m right about your age and I’d be absolutely appalled if anyone tried to make those kinds of choices for me, which also goes the other way: if a guy wanted to stay a virgin I wouldn’t pressure him into sex, if he didn’t want to, I wouldn’t deny him sex). How long have you guys been together? Also he sounds insane for “booohooo I gave my virginity to someone who didn’t care” like virginity isn’t even that important??? I think we all didn’t give it up to the best or most important person in our lives but that’s part of being young and not knowing who in your life prioritizes your best interest. Him having trauma from that is just fucking weird. How long have you been together? I don’t even say this all the time at all (I’ve been with my fair share of shitty men) but just with what I know now? Dump him. I’d be so freaked out if someone started talking marriage to me rn jesus fuck!

No. 163415

He sounds like he's secretly very misogynist

No. 163423

All is good tbh anons, kinda

he basically said fine, if I feel like I'm ready then he's obvi fine too…………………………………………………….. I feel like he's secretly judging me though LOL

No. 163424

Is it okay to ask for advice regarding friendships here, or is it just dating type relationships? Thanks / sorry in advance

No. 163427

Friendships is fine imo, nowhere in this thread is specified it has to be romantic relationships. You can also ask in the general advice thread if you prefer that.

No. 163428

How do I get over the fact that my bf will never fully trust me because of how he's been fucked over by people he once trusted / loved?
I trust him completely to the point where it's probably unhealthy, because I've never felt this way about anyone before, whereas he's had multiple past relationships like that where someone has gone on to make his life hell afterwards. I feel so stupid for how one-sided this is, tf do i do

No. 163432

I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I don't think it's fair that you just have to accept that you'll never be fully trusted in your relationship when you yourself, I assume, have not given him any reason to not fully trust you. I can understand distrust from past experiences to some extend but in my opinion that can't last. At some point you should receive the full trust you deserve. You're not his past negative experiences. If he can't give you the trust you deserve, maybe it's him who needs professional help to work through his trauma and not you who needs to "get over it".

No. 163449

See the replies to >>163026

Trauma from past experiences should be addressed in therapy. If he can't trust anyone, he shouldn't be in a relationship. It shouldn't be on you to prove you're not like his exes, that's unfair to you and sets the precedent that you're the one who needs to "prove yourself" in the relationship.

No. 163535

i've been hooking up with one of my best friends for a couple months now and things have kinda been escalating as it goes on, and yesterday we sort of inadvertently had the defining the relationship convo. we were joking around and whatever and he said "yeah i mean we're basically just dating without dating" which… is true, tbh, we spend all our time together even when we're not hooking up and talk constantly. both of us are relatively recently out of super long relationships though and not really in a place where either of us want to get into a relationship, so honestly this arrangement kind of slaps, but he's about to move out of state for six months for his job and idk what to do? like he said that he would be interested in dating me (and i expressed the same) but that it's not really fair to either of us to start dating like a week before he has to leave which i agree with but does make me anxious

like i guess it's just that i don't really have any interest in anyone other than him at this point but i'll feel like a total simp if i don't even try to talk to anyone while he's gone? like i'm just sitting in my widow's watch waiting for my husband to return from war kek

this is the first time i've felt like maybe i could get into a healthy, stable, happy relationship with someone though and i really don't want to fuck it up while he's not here. he's literally nicer to me than any dude i've ever actually dated and i'm still sort of having a hard time processing that because tbh i'm just used to being in tumultuous nightmare relationships and then here is this very nice boy who does very nice things for me and who i enjoy spending all my time with and ope now he's leaving

No. 163543

my friend is asking me for advice because apparently my relationship is good but i really don't know what to tell her.

>her and guy seeing eachother casually for a few months

>they both treat it like they are dating
>he posts on social media "i wish a girl like x would dm me"
>she gets upset
>he said it's a joke
>they argue because he thinks she's too clingy
>she points out the way they are acting isn't the way fuck buddies act but she wants to be dating anyways
>he says needs some time to sort out his feelings

she is super scared he is going to stop talking to her. i told her that if he decides to do that based on her telling him her feelings, that's on him, but she seems really into him. she was saying she could have gone about being upset about it in a better way, but i didn't hear their conversation so i can't really attest to that. is there anything else i should be telling her? i think he will probably talk to her again because if he was done with her there would be nothing to think about.

No. 163555

just leave each other alone bpd-chan

No. 163556

if neither of them brought up the "what are we?" talk or just flat out said "ok we're bf/gf now" (literally just anything) then… i don't know what she was expecting? anyway he sounds retarded, who posts thirsty shit like that on social media kek. just tell her to find someone else because he's probably going to string her along if he doesn't properly tell her he wants to be in a relationship.

No. 163563

Kek, this is the perfect response.

No. 163567

Please help me: opinions on being with a guy who legitimately jerks off to hentai??? I’m so humiliated I hate this

No. 163574

That's better than jerking off to real women being abused, are you concerned for ethical reasons or because you think it's particularly cringe?

No. 163579

Is there any way to tell if a guy is going to leave you? My bf just broke up with me and I'm a little blindsided.

My bf and I clearly had different goals for our relationship. I had moved to a new town for a contract that would last until June and wanted to find a relationship for fun until then, but he was very serious. A month after meeting me, my bf was willing to say I love you.

I wasn't super into him (short, weird views) but he was fun and willing to help out with my bills. (I'm super poor) I didn't love him but breaking up with him just makes things more difficult for me going forwards practically. I get breaking up because you aren't on the same page as someone but I thought he would fight harder to keep me, you know?

So many girls on lolcow don't seem to have trouble landing guys who take care of the bills. How do you guys do it?

No. 163580

you sound like a dick

No. 163582

Its his life. I cant imagine a guy rejecting me because I've jerked off to hentai before. The real question is, is he a lolicon? Does he prefer hentai over real intimacy?

No. 163583

Maybe he sensed that you only wanted his money. If you want to make money from men go become a hooker. It's the same thing as dating men so they can pay your bills. I don't get the girls here who think men should be their personal wallets.

No. 163593

Wow. If you just want a cash dispenser for a boyfriend, that at least make it clear.

No. 163594

This has to be a subtler-than-usual troll, noone is this much of an asshole, and oblivious to it at the same time

No. 163606

As somebody who only jacks it to hentai (only manga tho, animated is crap), I would not like to be with a person who watches real porn, so if you're uncomfortable with that you should break it off.

No. 163612

>I don't get the girls here who think men should be their personal wallets.
They spend too much time on FDS.

No. 163613

Stfu pickmes . Have fun with Applebee’s

How was I am asshole?

No. 163614

None of those anons but I just love when people come into this thread, asking for advice, get answers they don't like, and immediately get defensive/push back. They're literally going based off the context you gave, which makes you sound like a terrible partner who's just mad you weren't the one to break up with him. Play silly games, win silly prizes.

No. 163630

As someone in their 30s I can see why some women treat men like wallets based off of how selfish they are. They will bleed you dry financially and emotionally if they can. I remember being 19 and meeting a guy off wechat and he took me to dennys and spent $20 dollars and mad me cry because he demanded sex afterward on top of that he recorded my naked body unknowingly. They expect to be able to use you for whatever they need in the moment and will toss you out like trash when their needs are met. There are some sweet guys out there who dont act like this but you have to understand what leads a woman to become a "gold digger".

No. 163656

I'm sorry for your bad experience but it's not cheapness that makes men behave like assholes. If he had spent $100 on your date he still wpuld've been creepy and pushy, maybe even more so because of how much he'd spent.

And maybe I'm a poorfag surrounded by too many other poorfags but I never expected men to spend lots of cash on me. I expect time, committment, respect, etc. and I hold them to those standards and cut them off if they misbehave but money never played a role in it. I understand why women think money=good relationship but still.

So I'm a pickme because I know how to make my own money. My man takes me out to restaurants better than Applebees for the same price.

No. 163659

>So many girls on lolcow don't seem to have trouble landing guys who take care of the bills.
I have no advice and agree that everyone should shoot for a guy willing to provide.
It's just that people greatly overestimate how "common" this is. In reality, most modern men expect their spouses to bring in an income and contribute to bills. I don't think those farmers are in very healthy relationship dynamics most the time tbh.

Imo if you find this "type," he's bound to be one of the following:
1. Normal guy willing to support you when you first meet & during times of duress but will ultimately start to resent you if he feels you don't do enough to earn your keep.
2.Religious dude who believes it's his place as a man to provide but the monkey's paw is he holds you down in other objectionable ways due to those same views.
3. Abusive man who likes the control he gets out of you being financial co-dependent which is never beneficial for you.
4. Desperate pleb who tries to buy love cause he doesn't have what it takes, his insecurities much justified by how nasty his personality is and how putrid his appearance.
5. A rare, genuinely empathetic man who recognizes the contributions his partner brings and takes it as a source of pride and being a good human to spoil his lady.

We all know the types that the majority of women end up with…even farmers in those relationships.

No. 163663

Been worrying about my future with my bf.
We’re long distance and he’s been jobless for almost 3 years. Also lives with his family and they rely on him a lot like driving (none of them drive but him since they’re city people). He feels worthless especially rn with virus and that he doesn’t mind caring for his family. And he’ll most likely wouldn’t ever stop being there for them. I’m not sure how to help him at all even emotionally. I feel I’ve failed him too.

No. 163666

>ldr with a NEET

he IS worthless, value yourself more

No. 163672

I really hope you're young and haven't been with him for long. If he's not actively working towards building a life with you (ie getting a job and moving in together or closer), or simply failing to get his shit together regardless of his efforts, wtf is the point? He's just wasting your time and here you are feeling like YOU'VE done something wrong.

No. 163673

Original poster here. Idk If starting my mid 20s count as young. He was kind enough to let me know he’ll understand that he isn’t worth it. Broke my heart hearing that. I do want security and more with him. But I’m pretty miserable myself. I’ll end up the same way like him taking care of my own family and having no life.

No. 163679

There's a man whose whole personality on Twitter is resolved around videogames, humblebragging over tech stuff and being a "supportive and wholesome" kind.

However he also had a hysterical meltdown on twitter all because a barista at coffee shop didnt tell him Good Afternoon and Goodbye. He kept throwing poison in his tweets at this worker, being disrespectful at them and REEEEring over such little thing, while defending himself, saying "YOU CAN RUIN SOMEONES DAY BY NOT DOING THAT!!!! U DEGENERATE".

How do you explain that?
In my opinion, its a huge redflag. What else is this person hiding? Makes it look that he has anger issues.

No. 163680

Pretty much what you said. He's an asshole but tries to hide it online.

It's normale to be more or less abrasive depending on who you're with (the jokes I make with my friends will never reach my employer's ears), but getting that mad at a barista is bottom of the barrel stuff.

No. 163721

File: 1608412616252.png (49.09 KB, 170x178, tumblr_fe7548b6bb725b1f731c8f7…)

I'm really needing help. This situation is a mess, and if you get frustrated with me for letting it drag on this long I understand. I would really, really appreciate alternative suggestions to just "break up", but if that is genuinely all you can think of, then that's fine, too.

Just to set up the situation for context, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are both 20, so do the math… We are each other's first actual relationship. We both have asperger's, and I think the combination of this + lack of prior experience can really throw a wrench in our relationship at times due to confusion, lack of standards, bad communication at times, etc. But I'm generally pretty tolerant because at the end of the day, I enjoy spending time with him mostly.

We live together, in his dad's house, with plans to get our own place once we have enough saved. my situation with my family is pretty bad, so I am dependent on staying here a lot. This is mainly why I want to avoid or put off breaking up if possible, because right now I honestly lack the means to find my own place right now and going back home to my family is like a death sentence. We also work at the same place, and so I'd probably have to find an entirely different job.

But he just doesn't really make me happy lately. He has a long standing porn addiction which really interferes with our sex life. I honestly feel pretty bad for him regarding the addiction because it's been a thing for him since he was old enough to even like, a response to porn. Pretty sad. But the only kind of "sex" we ever have is oral for him and nothing for me. I've brought it up a million times and he vows he will try harder for me but he just doesn't, so I have given up. He also seems to have very conflicting views on my body. Now, admittedly it has been a long time since he's said anything like this and we WERE in high school, but he used to call me fat very often. I have an eating disorder now and honestly? I really can't find anyone to blame but him for this. It feels cruel but to this day I dont even really want to be exposed around him even though he says he likes the way I look and even preferred me at a heavier weight (according to him, the "fat" comments were compliments. He is a sperg, so this might really be true). He is generally pretty unaffectionate which he blames on stress (says he forgets to show affection to me because he is stressed) but it just hurts. At this point it feels as though he is my roommate who occasionally will shove his dick in my mouth.

I don't know. Is there any fixing this? Help.

No. 163722

saged for retardation but I also meant to say, as many times as I have tried communicating these issues to him, it doesn't work. Whenever I tell him how unhappy he is making me he spergs out on an emotional rampage until I calm him down and then he pretends it didn't happen and pretty much makes no effort to try harder in the future. I try to be really gentle when bringing it up but he threatens suicide regardless.

No. 163723

There’s really no reasonable alternative to breaking up. The facts are that he doesn’t care about your pleasure (completely neglecting you sexually), he doesn’t care enough to change (the lack of change and sperging out after you bring it up). You don’t even feel comfortable showing your body around him. The way your post is worded suggests you blame yourself for his shit to an extent, which is probably why you don’t want to break up - alongside the practicalities you mentioned, and the fact it’s all you’ve ever known. The relationship sounds unhealthy as does your mindset. If your conversations about changing have repeatedly got you nowhere, you need to give up. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

Can you move to a shared accommodation? Make a plan wrt your residence and job. I understand staying in the relationship until arrangements have been made but it does need to end eventually. You cannot waste even more years on this crap.

Trust me anon, I’ve been in similar situations before (fuck having a family you can’t rely on) and the break ups were messy and difficult, but I would not change it for the world. Only when you’ve left for a while do you begin to understand how much this shit drags you down. Get out and sort yourself out, so one day you can find a nice boyfriend who treats you like a person and wants to give you sexual pleasure (or find happiness in being single, whatever, just leave!)

No. 163724

I think you know that you two are not a match and it isn't working out. He was your first relationship, so it feels like it should be precious and special. It sounds like he was a big part of your maturity into adulthood, but I think it's time for you to let high school go and try to turn a new page.

That said, I don't think you should blame him for your eating disorder. Your mental health and your view of your body is YOUR responsibility, and nobody else's. You need to take control of your own emotions and self esteem, or else you can end up stuck with an uncaring boyfriend like this all over again.

Get your finances in order and figure out a new living situation. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

No. 163726

You've reached a point where you owe yourself to break up with him. You summed it up yourself perfectly by saying he's your roommate who'll occasionally shove his dick in your mouth.

You're still so young. I'd say go and enjoy being single for a while. Focus on yourself and on healing from this relationship and your eating disorder. Maybe have some casual fun if that's your thing. Someone much better will come on your path for sure.

Since you said you're dependent on living in with him, I'd say try to figure out housing before you break up. Is social housing an option for you?

No. 163728

>At this point it feels as though he is my roommate who occasionally will shove his dick in my mouth.
Do you want that for the rest of your life? No? Then you've gotta break up. If you have to put it off until you're able to afford your own place, that's fine. But for the sake of your mental health and dignity, stop sucking the ungrateful POS's dick. I felt sick just reading that, fucking hell.

No. 163732

IMO if you can get him to quit porn everything else may fall into place. If he can stop that he'll pay more attention to you and want to actually have sex more. Maybe explain to him that the porn is a deal breaker and see where it goes?

No. 163744

Yeah I'm sure that'll fix the entitlement, disrespect, dehumanization and degrading comments. She should totally bend over backwards continuing to try and fix this fuck up while he benefits.

Just leave this pus bag, jesus christ. I'm sorry the situation with your family isn't great but it's got to be a better alternative than this. You're providing sexual favors for some asshole that treats you like shit and not even getting compensated (no I don't condone sex "work" but the point is how shitty it is). Do you not have any money? You couldn't look for a roommate arrangement to extricate yourself? Be single and work on your self confidence as >>163724 and >>163726 said. Develop some standards and boundaries so this will never happen again. It's a shame because you've been conditionally literally since you were a child to accept bottom of the barrel treatment. Listen to us and understand that nothing about this is healthy or salvageable.

No. 163746

Oh wow, I didn't expect so many replies… I thought about it a lot, and you all are right. I had a pretty serious talk with him earlier where I let him know that I am definitely going to leave him if he doesn't shape up. I don't think he even considered me leaving to be a possibility, honestly. He seemed pretty shook up about it, and he's been trying harder today. I guess we'll see how it works out from here. I'm giving it a couple of months before I take action. I know it's kind of a half measure but really I couldn't leave right now even if I wanted to. And despite all the negative things I said about him in the post, he isn't completely terrible. The roommate thing was kind of harsh, admittedly I was upset at him when I wrote the post and I have a way of phrasing things harshly. he really is what I would consider my best friend and we're very close, he's just very horrible at being a boyfriend and has his own set of issues he seriously needs to deal with!

I hate to drag this out more, but in regards to moving out and leaving, I honestly am pretty lost when it comes to all that. I don't really have any older adults or guides in my life to ask for help for this type of shit. I'm hesitant to really ask about it in depth here since it's the relationships advice thread and not the general advice thread, so I might just take that over there.

No. 163754

> I don't really have any older adults or guides in my life to ask for help for this type of shit.
I know it's comfortable to have someone more experienced in life guide you, but don't forget you have the internet at your fingertips. All the information you need is just a google search away. Not to mention there's always places where people are willing to give you advice or answer your questions. Maybe you can even get the help of a (free) social worker or something like that to assist you with finding new housing.

Good luck!

No. 163776

ladies help me out here please because I can’t tell if I’m being crazy. I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now, and it’s been going great. But I recently met his friends and just have a weird feeling about it. His friends were two girls who he has been friends with since high school. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was paying a lot of attention and care to them. We went sledding and any time one would fall he would sprint down the hill to go help them up and pat their back or whatever. He hangs out with them pretty often too. I don’t have any guy friends because it would ALWAYS end in them trying to have sex. So should I be concerned about him having a lot of female friends? Or am I just being crazy and jealous? Any insight would be so appreciated, thank you all!

No. 163779

maybe he was just trying to show you that he's respectful to women or something? i don't know either, i'm pretty jealous myself

No. 163801

Try to get to know them more so you can sus out their dynamic with your boyfriend. Did he "friend zone" them? Did they "friend zone" him? Honestly, maybe you could end up becoming good friends with them too? Don't worry as long as everything is 100% platonic between the 3 of them now (someone wanted to fuck someone in the past for sure most likely, but you shouldn't get bent out of shape over past shit unless it's not REALLY in the past, if you get what I mean.)

No. 163909

Mmmh nah it's extremely naive to think that relationship is gonna work out.

A guy having female friends is worse than him having boys who are womanizers or losers as friends.

And that's really saying something.

The only time men and women can really be "friends" is in a casual setting where they're not that attached.

And even then.

If you are dating someone who pays more attention and gets closer to women who aren't you, it's going to end in a public meltdown with those other girls acting smug about how much better they are than you.

Men who keep women around in active friendships get off on the pain they cause their girlfriends.

No. 163912

I have a boyfriend with lots of female friends, a few of which go back to high school, and it's never been an issue. I'm curious, would he also run down the hill for you or do other affectionate things with you in front of them? Things like hugging, holding hands, a little kiss–something that would signify that you are a pair? Remember that there's a reason they are his friends and you are the one he's dating, even if you're only a month in. Only time will tell.

Also >>163909 you sound like you have something you need to get over. Grow up.

No. 163914

The only guy I knew that had more female than male friends turned out to be having/ trying to have sex with majority of them so I'm kinda feeling >>163909 take, but at the same time I don't think it's fair to generalize; >>163776 should just make sure she's treated like a girlfriend, not just friend, and that everyone knows their boundaries. just the fact he's nice to other women is more of a good sign than bad, as long as it doesn't go too far.

No. 163924

I had an ex like that, he would play it off that he's just a flirty person, but then he snuck off one time to do coke with them all and the absolute scenes I witnessed of him groping a few of them and them all giggling plus (the female friends) always giving me the cold shoulder was the end for us.

I spoke to my ex at the time that how close he was with other females worried me, especially since he told me he cheated on previous partners but was over that phase. He wasn't. My ex was in his 30s though, I think people coming out of college at like 21/22 will probably still have all their school mates, it's usually mid to late 20s those friendships dissolve if they were just based on being in close proximity to each other for years or whatever.

No. 163933

Why is my ex girlfriend from years ago messaging me? She messaged me multiple times over this year. She says she dreams about me. Pretty sure she has a boyfriend.

No. 163966

If she's messaging you, just ask, why do you need to be careful lol

No. 163974

I replied a few times and each time she says she just wanted to check whether I was ok. I don't want to think about her every few weeks so I'd rather ignore her messages if they're not important. But I never pick up signals people give off. Does it seem to you like she has something else she wants to say?

No. 163975

Shut up pickme

No. 163991

Bruh, should I just dip? I met this guy we have same views and we can communicate well to come to compromises. The issue comes, my 30 bf likes to play devil advocate on everything. I have an issue with someone, he will then argue things from their point of view. The worse part about this is he wants to do this when we have kids so they will be 'open minded.' I see this as well he will never side with me for the sake of the other side argument. He even does this with my abusive EX, saying how my behaviour towards my EX comes off and how horrible I was. He does this on basic places to eat food or when I have opinion on fucking christmas lights for all the things. I told him this is a problem and he agreed he can see how this makes it seem like he is not trusting me or respecting me when he does this everything. He is working on it but I am fucking 30 years old. mehfuko, probably have shittiest of shit taste in men.

No. 163993

i would leave him, thats annoying as heck. ive dated someone like that and they never get better. its also ridiculous how hes going to defend someone who abused you instead of his girlfriend who hes supposed to love and comfort. i cant imagine how miserable youll feel if you did have kids together.

No. 164004

If you're bothered now, imagine how over this shit you'll be in a few years or when you're bombarded with all the responsibilities of parenthood. I'd have left his ass as soon as he defended the abusive ex.

No. 164015

Ugh yes, get out. Reminds me of my ex who I told about yet another ex who groomed me at 18 when he was 15 fucking years older and he was like, "Oh that's terrible, but he must have had a lot of personal problems to do something like that, so I feel bad for him." Cool story brah, I'm sure you two will be very happy together now fuck off since you're choosing to empathize with the pedo rather than the manipulated girl who is now your partner. Lmao scrotes.

Your boyfriend is fully capable of changing how he responds to these issues with you if he actually gives a shit. Don't buy into any excuses. He either stops right NOW, or you'll be stuck with it forever. No "oh I forgot" or "oops yeah bad habit," nah. Somehow men are always effortlessly capable of behaving themselves around other men or their superiors at work but "forget" about things women have asked them. If he's half decent he'll shut up and take your thoughts seriously, if not he's not worth the air he breathes.

No. 164020

If you're set on having kids, I'd leave him. I grew up with a father who always purposely took the other side of the argument and it was hell for my mother raising kids when her partner never backed her up in anything. It's not an healthy environment for kids to grow up in either. If mom doesn't give them what they want they'll go running to dad to get what they want, terrible dynamic.

No. 164089

Not really asking for advice but my date and I got closer partly because we both love black metal and Warhammer 40k, I hope he doesn't see me as a Cool Girl™ or something. He hasn't given me this vibe but I'm still cautious, has something similar ever happened to you?

No. 164092

I already posted this on the vent thread but I also want actual advice lol so here goes:

The guy I like is confusing me a lot. I started university this fall and on the first day I met this dude, let's call him Z. He's very good-looking and seemed like a nice guy, so I of course became interested. We kept making a lot of eye contact and smiling at each other, which was a very good sign. When all our classes became digital because of corona (my country is a bit behind with the restrictions) he created a Discord server for the 18 people that were in our group during the first two weeks of the semester. I and a couple of other people, including Z, started talking frequently in the voice chat of the server while we studied or played League and subsequently became good friends. Me and Z also chatted privately on both Discord and Snapchat and bonded quickly, plus we started flirting.

One day he asked me to grab some coffee with him and I of course accepted. We had a lot of fun and sat at the café for almost four hours just talking, since we have a lot in common.

A few days after he invited me over to his place so that we could do some programming. We finally kissed that day and cuddled a bit. I've never been in a relationship before so I do not really know how long one should date before you can talk about becoming a couple, so right now I'm kinda confused. I've been to his place multiple times, we've played games, studied and cooked together and genuinely had a good time. He's even slept over at my place (we didn't have sex though, he asked if I wanted to but I wasn't ready and he understood, wasn't a dick about it).

Now, however, we haven't seen each other in a little over a month. I'm kind of shy so I've been scared of asking him to hang out, and the two times I tried he said "I don't know", instead of just saying "I can't today". He also hasn't been as flirty as he was before, which worries me cause it makes me feel like he isn't interested in me like that anymore?
However, we talk everyday on Discord or text, just about normal things that friends talk about. But when we're in voice chat he still sounds like he cares about me since his tone is different to when he speaks with the other people in the group.
I've tried telling myself it's because he's busy right now with all the finals (he's taken on two majors, so he has a lot of assignments), but I'm insecure so I've been wondering if he's still into me.

I'm probably overthinking this way too much but as I said I've never been in a relationship before (i'm also a virgin kek) so this is all new territory.

No. 164093

He liked the chase and it ended when you two met uo. Sorry, anon, if he was actually still interested he'd make it happen.

No. 164096

Just be yourself and you won't be a "Cool Girl", why even worry about that? As long as you're not pretending to share interests to keep his attention it's all just normal. Don't overthink it too much!

No. 164108

I can’t tell if I’m overly sensitive because I’m PMSing or if my boyfriend is upsetting me. He literally is what I’ve always wanted in a partner, but sometimes I feel a little hurt with things he says. I’ve always asked him to tell me if I do anything that upsets/annoys him because I want to make sure I am respecting his boundaries, and he told me he will. Sometimes, when we are on a call, he’ll not respond to me, like no noise or indication that he heard/listened to me, so I’ll ask him after a few minutes if he’s there. If he responds, usually I’ll ask him where he went, and today I did it and he snapped and said that it makes him feel guilty when I say that. It’s sending me into a dumbass panic of if I’m a bad person, or if maybe I do lots of things that annoy him/make him feel bad but he isn’t telling me. I’m always really nervous that I’m secretly a really terrible and mean significant other and I have no idea how to shake this feeling lol

No. 164165

I know I'm not one and I'm always spontaneous and genuine in my interests, I'm just scared he'll have this "woah she likes the same things as me she's not like the other girls" mindset a lot of guys seem to have.

No. 164182

File: 1608719235582.webm (441.72 KB, 240x240, DASH-240.webm)

How do I get my boyfriend to be more ambitious career-wise? am I just an uninspiring person? I don't think I'll ever want to merge our finances together, but I still want him to be job secure and hirable and be doing good financially, not just scrape by and have his position be one he may not have tomorrow. How do I get him to understand or budge at all? If I start requiring him to spend more money on me, will he think I'm expensive and realize he can't afford to be with me and get up his ass? I myself am not any better than him because don't have my degree yet either so it feels wrong for me to even ask this of him, but at least i'm enrolled? He's not even showing he's trying. I don't see how I could stay with him after I earn my degree, I need him to be on par with me, I hate the idea of being a sugar mommy, he's everything I could ask for in a man and then more, but I rather be alone than have an unambitious partner. It just feels ridiculous when he's told me in the past he wants me to form a family with him? I wish I had asked him how!? Would emasculating him somehow work here? something about how men are providers or something? I don't necessarily believe in that, but I think he should be my safety net. Everyone knows men's job prospects are endless and that they can easily take up almost any job on a whim if they have to whereas women's options are more limited. Then I'm also retarded so if I ever had to work in a male-dominated field, harassment would get to me and I would probably neck myself. I'm just not built to tolerate it and this isn't me with some victim complex. He's really the only guy I feel safe with and can get behind.

No. 164184

samefagging to add that he also has more resources than I do to move up educationally and I sort of resent him for not taking advantage of this whereas i'd die to be in his position. is it worth bringing up at all? we sort of talked about it and got nowhere so this is the aftermath of me thinking.

How do I let him know I don't take him as serious ltr material as I did before while still being with him? I'm not one to date casually so there's really no reason for me to stay other than me hoping I can motivate him this way

No. 164216

Honestly, he sounds extremely immature if he’s thinking about starting a family and not making any steps to better his career. It’s very hard to change the male outlook, since he feels comfortable thinking you’ll stay with him even if he doesn’t try to move up in the world, he will continue to be a lazy bum. In all honesty, you should have made this clear before you even started dating him if you don’t date casually. My boyfriend was similar, but from our first date I made it clear that I was a “high maintenance” woman and had high expectations of him, and that same month- he applied (and then got in) to a good university to do a degree with financially worthwhile career prospects. He should be spending money on you, I truly feel that one of the ways men show their love is through providing gifts and financial security, and you deserve to demand that from him if that is something you want. Try being straight up and talking with him, and tell him if he doesn’t change- you’re going to leave. You won’t be happy six years down the line if he’s still acting hapless, especially if you desire your partner to be ambitious.

No. 164448

Anons, I really need some advice on how to proceed here.

Over the past couple of months, since we hit the 1 year mark, my bf has been acting weird. just distant, less affectionate, etc. I pulled him up on it the other night and he told me that he always gets a bit weird at the 1 year mark, starts to overthink the future. I think it's as a result of quite a traumatic past relationship.

We talked for 4 hours and he was fretting over how we've not been able to spend time as a couple for the vast majority of our relationship (because of a combination of corona and us being long distance for a while at the start - we are in the same city now though for grad school), the fact that we don't share that many hobbies and what that means etc. I don't know if he's just freaking out about being committed long term, but when I said that the fact we've stayed together so long through so much external adversity is a testament to how much we like each other, he agreed and said he hadn't thought about it that way. He never brought up breaking up, but I did. I just said that I think breaking up over this freak-out would be a silly idea, and he agreed, and we had nice fun normal conversation after that, talking about how we would be able to see each other at New Year (we're in different cities for Christmas).

But now I just feel … so weird. Is this what it is to go through a rough patch? I have BPD so everything is very black and white and I can't stop catastrophizing and worrying that it's only a matter of time before something bad happens.

No. 164480

I think my mom may be cheating on my stepdad

I found selfies in her phone with some guy. Nothing bad, pretty innocent, near some christmas tree. Thing is she was supposed to be at work at that time. She also received a christmas present from a friend, maybe it was him? it was a necklace and it said friends forever or something like that. She knows I grab her phone so if she didn't delete them maybe it's really just a friend? I know her password, so if she was cheating she would've changed it? I grabbed her phone because we took some selfies last night and I wanted to see how they turned out.

Also it's weird because she doesn't have any male friends, unless they're my stepdad's and even then she never hangs with them alone. I've never seen this guy, my mom barely speaks english and the guy is black. I suppose maybe he is afro-hispanic so they can communicate, but if he's not…… just wtf???? Do I bring this up to her?????

No. 164481

Maybe they have a tree at the office in a lounge room or something, and he's a coworker? It'd be weird not to these days

No. 164482

It was definitely not at work, it was downtown and there was a video of some Christmas parade on the street

No. 164484

samefag but I can't believe my stepdad might've been right. They've had fights because she wouldn't give him her phone, idk when he became suspicious. I don't know if this is recent either or if it's been going on since back when they used to fight. I want to confront her and get clarification, and convince her to cut off ties with this coworker.

on another note, I share everything with my boyfriend, would it be a bad idea to tell him about this?

No. 164487

If I where you I'd let it go tbh, it's her bussiness. I'd feel differently about it if she was cheating on your biological dad, because that would really affects you and your homesituation too, but it's 'just' your stepdad. And since you're an adult I assume her relationship status affects you little to none.

> I know her password, so if she was cheating she would've changed it?

Maybe she isn't tech-savvy enough to change it (my mom isn't) or she didn't want to raise suspicion by suddenly locking you out from her phone.

No. 164518

if it was me i would turn the situation on him and push for a break up a bit just so he gets his shit together and realises the weight of him actually saying that stuff to you

No. 164525

Yeah I don't really care and I'm not even close to him. But I live with her and can't just up and leave just yet, we both save a lot because we don't have to pay mortgage/rent (house is paid for already) and if we suddenly had to it would set me back/keep me stuck from continuing my education. So I don't want her to gamble this roof we have over our heads with her shitty decisions.

Also, a few years ago they went through a rough patch and were on the verge of getting a divorce, she told me she would NOT want any of his assets, properties, money. Which sucks because that would make her and by extension mine's lives a lot easier. She said if we had to go, then we would get a house and I would help her pay the mortgage. I'm fine with that except my mom is already old, in a few years she would have to stop working or I would want her to. I would have to be responsible for the house and taking care of her and I would never be able to actually leave. If I'm ever in a relationship, I'm not sure how it would work out. She's very judgmental and It'll prob get worse with age. Hopefully she mellows out but that would put a strain in my relationship. It's not like I want to abandon her but I'd rather visit her somewhere than have her in my own home, if that makes sense.

No. 164577

Please help me. In a relationship (5 years) yet developing a crush on a himbo for the first time in my life. I've always preferred intellectual stimulation (INTP baby) from men in my life but this is really hitting me like a truck and I don't know what to do. He's really cheesy and uneducated but sweet. I feel so guilty and confused and surprised at myself.

No. 164617

Minimise contact and stop allowing yourself to develop a “crush” on this new guy. How would you feel is your partner was behaving like you?

No. 164640

I wouldn't really care because it's normal, especially in a relationship this long. I'm not going to act on it. I'm just wondering if it's a sign something is missing if I'm developing these bizarre attractions.

No. 164643

NTA I don't think it's normal to be developing crushes at any point during a relationship.

No. 164646

Is that so? I've heard quite a few people talk about developing crushes while in long term relationships. I feel like our relationship is good so I'm not sure what to make of it. Running away wouldn't do anything because it would just happen again. I have the impulse control to not act on it or really care that much, but the fact that it's so random is concerning

No. 164651

The fact that wouldn’t care seems like an indicator that the passion or spark you guys felt towards each other is dwindling or died. If you don’t want to leave, maybe try to develop a “crush” again on your current partner.

No. 164695

Its been over a year since my ex dumped me and lately I've been wanting someone to get into a relationship again. Though the only problem is that i want to take my time getting to know the person before jumping into a relationship and most of the guy friends that are single are really sexual and just wanting to fuck me… I've been on the dating apps for a while and none of the guys stand out to me or sparks up interesting conversations

I feel like wanting to go out, travel to meet new people and find someone im interested in but covid… Should i be worrying about finding a relationship or should i just keep on focusing on progressing my career and moving out of my parent's house? Im in my early 20s going into my mid 20s and it feels like everyone around my age are progressing relationship wise, like moving in with their partners, getting married, having kids etc.

No. 164726

Just focus on yourself anon. Men are a mediocre distraction that are almost never worth it. Also, this is exponentially true when it comes to men on dating apps. You’re more likely to find a high quality man in the real world, doing things you love, being your best self, than you are sifting through the filthy fleshy masses on (barf) Tinder or whatever. You are very young and it’s so important to be financially independent. Don’t get sold on the narrative that you need to find a guy and start popping out babies within the next 5 years. You haven’t even had the chance to fucking live yet and rushing into a relationship, even a casual one, is only going to distract from you getting to know yourself and better understanding what you might actually benefit from in a partner. The people diving into these things headfirst often end up divorced within a few years or bogged down with 2.5 kids in a resentful marriage, wishing they hadn’t sacrificed their dreams to become a scrote’s bangmaid. And sure, there are women who “do it all,” but when you really talk to those women you’ll find they’ve all had to make compromises in one part of their lives or another, so it’s extremely important to find out what you even want into the first place before getting involved with someone who’s only going to drag you down.

No. 164729

It’s probably less “random” than you think. This crush possesses a trait you’re clearly drawn to and likely missing in your current relationship. You say he’s “sweet.” Is your current boyfriend smart but also a bit of an annoying know-it-all? Does he ramble sometimes to the point that you just want him to shut up and give you a stupid compliment and pick you some flowers? Take a look at what himbo-isms you’re appreciating and ask your partner if he could indulge you. If he actually cares, he will make the effort.

No. 164732

My bf has never gifted me anything. Not on my birthday or even Christmas. He has gifted things, even real simple things, to others though. I did gift him several gifts, though he never really cared about them. Does my bf even like me? Ive brought it up to him before and he's like he wants to, but then doesn't. Nothing is even stopping him. I'm not even asking for like a new lambo or anything, maybe a hand written letter. ANYTHING. I'm starting to think he simply doesn't want me long-term so he can justify not putting some effort into our relationship. He is not a busy man at all either. What do you all think?

No. 164733

This is really weird imho. You should talk to him about it again but don't let it go on "i want to, but", tell him how it makes you feel and why can he do it for others and not for you

No. 164734

Wtf dump him, he puts zero effort whatsoever in this relationship while you're clearly trying, stop hurting yourself like that.

No. 164739

> he simply doesn't want me long-term
That's very well possible.

No. 164740

Why is Braco so popular here?

No. 164744

I don't know anything about him but I think his face is hilarious.

No. 164749

Anon there's no point in exploring the psychology behind this behavior when you already had a talk with him about your expectations and he failed them regardless.
It's grounds to dump. Most women want their boyfriends and husbands to get them something for major occasions and holidays. If he can't do it, then you deserve someone who will and will make you feel wanted. I couldn't stand to be with such a selfish, thoughtless asshole.

This reminds me of my friend's low value scrote who she recently married after ten years of 'dating.' I hate her man, he's a skeevy asshole with no respect for anybody and least of all her. I could go on, but point being this: It's their first year of being married and he got her NOTHING for Christmas this year! That's despite her having shown him little things she wanted on the internet prior. She got him gifts! When she confronted him about it after our circle told her to, he came up with a billion excuses. For example, suddenly he cared about "consumerism on holidays" despite spending thousands on games and weeb merch throughout the year. My friend always gets him thoughtful gifts and generally does shit for him that would make other husbands jealous.
His solution was to throw some money at her after she complained, so basically shut up money. But who cares? This man is never going to see the value in making sure his wife feels appreciated and thought of. It's so sad anon, you don't deserve that and neither does my friend.

No. 164758

I agree with >>164749 but I also wanted to give general advice: A lot of women tend to second-guess these problems and tell themselves things like "I don't want to make too much of a small thing, they're just presents, I don't want to break up over not getting presents/him forgetting my birthday/him doing other uncaring thing because that feels like I only want presents," but someone who doesn't get you anything is not thinking about you. It's not about getting gifts, it's indicative of a larger issue that shows how little your partner cares.

It's perfectly fine to break up with someone if you feel like they're not putting in the same effort. You don't have to feel bad, you don't have to explain yourself or say it's because of the no gifts. If you feel like the energy is bad, it probably is. People who care don't leave you second-guessing.

No. 164760

I was just about to reply to the anon above, but I was thinking the exact same thing you posted. He tells me always he wants to give me things, but doesn't because he doesn't want to copy my ways of showing I care. His excuse has always been is that he shows he cares differently. I don't get it that train of thought though. He's had months to come up with something, you know like maybe even a card? But you guys are right, I guess he doesn't value me that much aside from the sex. Ive always had the suspicion he was never that into me ever since he forgot my birthday and got me nothing either. Thanks for the advice though.

No. 164787

Fellow mental issues anons; does it ever happen to you to feel nothing about your partner at times? I never think like I should be leaving, or that I want someone / something else, but there are moments when all the emotions are just gone, usually a matter of no more than a day or so; there's just that general idea that I guess you're supposed to ALWAYS feel love otherwise it's not real? Could depression and stuff influence that though?

No. 164790

Any suggestions for having my bf meet my family? I think this is over due and he does want to meet them. I worry too much that it will go wrong.
I also want to be able to meet his parents/family.

No. 164794

What exactly are you worried about? What always worked for me is having some kind of casual dinner, so the atmosphere is chill and worst case scenario topic of conversation can be food; but I had nothing to be scared of when it comes of whan my parents or bf may say/do.

No. 164801

They both have very different political views. He doesn't think politics should be a deal breaker though but my parents sort of do. The other thing is just me worrying that if for whatever reason something goes wrong that it will be like the end of the relationship.

If I ever get the chance to do a dinner that is… Id like to do a dinner but my mom keeps fussing the house is a mess and I need to clean everything. She is one of those prepper types and just leaves things all over the place. You can't even sit on the living room couch anymore and she expects me to do all of it. Then later on when I suggest eating out somewhere tells me im crazy because of covid and if we ever do then she expects him to pay for all of the food if we ever eat out… I can't tell if sometimes her standards are ridiculous or otherwise.

No. 164901

File: 1609211024088.png (44.01 KB, 1024x579, 5E8E5F3B-9B12-48C1-A14A-307530…)

I think my abusive ex is somehow monitoring my phone activity, specifically my texts and mic audio, possibly more. Does anyone have experience with this? I suspect this because he texted me something very specific that I was texting my mother about earlier and I don’t think it’s possible it’s a coincidence. This is really stressing me out.

No. 164921

Some days I feel really in love and attracted to my bf of two years, other days we just go about our day and I don't constantly think about how much I love him, I just feel about him like "he's a family member I care about". Don't know if this is what you mean but if so, I think it's pretty normal.

No. 164925

Am I retarded and immature for considering this a breach of trust and having trouble moving forward from this even though it happened a couple months ago?

Basically there was an incident that my boyfriend was asleep (we usually are in a call 24/7 because we're on ldr and it's just comfy that way to feel like we are close.) anyway, I decided to hang out with a couple of my online friends because we haven't hung out together in a while since I started dating my bf, the friends are one girl and one guy. We get into a discord call and watch a couple movies. My boyfriend ends up waking up while my friends and I are watching the second movie. Bf tries to call me, I decline because I'm already in a call and I say I'm hanging out with my two friends who I address by their first names. My bf knows I am friends with these two people and from the start he was jealous of my online friend because he's a male and my bf is convinced male and females can't be friends for some reason. Anyway, bf gets super upset at me and says how he guesses I'm not a priority for him anymore and stuff. And I'm like, you are, I love you, and I'll call you as soon as this movie is over because I also don't want to accept my friends by flaking on them in the middle of this. Then he says "okay I guess I'll go play a game with my ex." for info, I knew he still had contact with his ex who he dated for eight years but from the beginning he made it seem like they only exchange messages like once every few months, if that, and that it's usually pretty short.

So obviously I'm like wtf really??? And he's like "you know I still talk to her." and I of course repeat how he made it seem like they were barely close anymore. He realizes he fucked up and says he'll tell her nevermind and never play games with her again, that he was just upset that It seemed like I didn't view him as a priority and how he really wanted to do something with someone and he didn't have anyone else and how he was still upset and lonely from when his friend killed himself earlier last month. I still tell him off and how it seemed like he just said he would hang out with his ex to spite me for not ditching my friends specifically because one friend was male.

In the end I forgive him because I do love him and I thought I moved past this but it's been like a couple months and I still keep remembering this instance and feeling hurt and like maybe I can't actually trust him. I'm tempted to ask him if he can just block his ex but I don't want to be controlling. I brought up how I was still hurt by this a few weeks ago and he said he understood how he came across really bad but he can hope he can understand that he was still just very distraught from his friend dying and he felt alone. Like I get that but I still feel bitter and worried towards this all. I guess maybe I am not being understanding because he was still grieving but still, even when I get super upset I never think "I'm gonna go hang out with my ex who I barely talk to anymore." I do have an ex like this but in my case I actually only get messages from him during holidays and it's just wishing me a happy holiday and no actual conversation happens.

Would it be wrong of me to bring this instance up to him yet again or would that be antagonizing? Sorry if things are spaced badly paragraph wise, I'm on mobile and it's hard for me tell if the walls of text are too much or not.

No. 164943

take it to some phone repair store IT place, explain your hunch and ask them to check for any spyware or anything like that (and report him to the police if they find anything) and get a new phone

No. 164944

I get ldr but expected to be available 247 like that is quite juvenile and worrisome. You're totally allowed to spend time with your friends and if your bf can't spend a night alone without mentioning playing with his ex like it was some punishment for you, that's fucking pathetic. Then again, I don't know anything about his ex so maybe you are the one also overreacting or he just lied to hurt you either way lame. This all sounds pathetic to be honest, but you sound young, I would kinda want to know your ages because he sounds like a man child. If it really does still bother you, just calmly mention it but he does seem kinda checked out already, I would just ghost his ass but you're not me.

No. 164950

You sound codependent, he sounds jealous and controlling. This is a red flag, especially considering you two already talk on the phone pretty much all day every day. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt though, since it seems like he had a bad day, he's apologetic and realises that he fucked up. You definitely need to talk about it again, calmly. You two need to establish boundaries regarding ex partners and he needs to be more direct in his communication with you instead of this childish manipulative behaviour. I would also like to know how old you are; if you're both teens or in your early 20s, this behavior isn't uncommon and can probably be worked through. If you're in your 30s, it's more worrying.

No. 164953

Thanks for the input. I do realize this whole situation is pretty pathetic. I did end up bringing it up again to him and he just said that he wouldn't talk to his ex anymore because he doesn't want me to worry for no reason or cause any issues. I didn't bring up that I wanted him to have no contact either, so it's something he decided on his own. To answer the age thing, I'm in my early 20s and he's 30.

No. 164955

He's 30????????????? Anon, that's terrible behaviour for someone that age who has relationship experience. Be on you guard in the future, if he ever acts this controlling when you want to spend time with friends or family again, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship.

No. 164964

why is it always the chicks who choose to date men older than them that get absolute retards. just goes to show what type of man pursues younger women lmao

No. 164975

I've been with my so for 3 years and while for the first couple of years my libido was higher than this, over the past 6 months it's pretty much reversed.
What can I do to increase my sex drive? When we do have sex it's usually good, but it's almost like I'm too lazy to work up to it. When we're cuddling in bed and I feel a boner pressing up against me I often think 'eh sex would be nice but do I really want to go through the entire hassle'. Before, I'd already be turned on by feeling him and the hassle wouldn't even cross my mind.
While he did lose some muscle definition overall my so hasn't changed much in looks or behaviour, so I don't think he's to blame. Is there something either of us could to to kinda spice things up and make me look forward to sex again?

No. 164980

GIRL NO. 30? I am not gonna even go to the age gap rant but even if he lost a friend, he is acting like a 18yo bitch boy. Do you really wanna waste time on a dude that is that old yet childish, codependent and seriously whines when you just want to watch a movie or two with e-friends DURING A PANDEMIC. He sounds like he is trying to distance you from everyone else or maybe I am just making a bigger fuss about it than I need to. Also to the 247 thing, that may seem cute to you but it just sounds dysfunctional and creepy to my 26yo ears.

No. 164988

So he behaves like a child at age 30 and lies about the contact he has with his ex. Are you sure he's even worth your time? I wouldn't put up with that. It's an ldr on top of that, I would've exited when that happened months ago.

No. 164989

Imminently calling my bf this evening to break up. AITA for doing it over the phone 5 months in? Reason being he lives an hour away, I wouldn't invite him over under false pretenses, and I do not go to his house. I know the done thing would be to meet for a walk in the park but I hate how that means he'd obviously know I'm dumping him - so I figure, call, explain briefly, and invite him to meet face to face whenever we can if he'd like to? Reasons irrelevant he's a great guy and an old dear friend and very infatuated, but it isn't working for me.

No. 164992

No, I think that's fine. If I where in his place I'd probably be glad I didn't have to drive an hour just to be broken up with.

No. 164994

This sounds reasonable. Good luck anon

No. 164998

This helped me have the confidence ty anons. He was blindsided, as I thought, and I agreed to talk to him tomorrow. Get the feeling he'll try to change my mind, as he sounded more in 'bargaining' than 'acceptance', but not my first rodeo.

No. 165001

Has anyone dealt with a partner who… doesn't believe you love them?
We had that talk before. He told me he thinks I'm not attracted to him and in general I'm with him because he's there, like he wouldn't be my first choice but he'll do. This took me off guard and it honestly deeply saddened me that he was feeling like that when I thought everything was nice and cool. I explained to him that I treat him seriously and I'm not the type of person to be with someone without feelings, and that I am attracted to him, obviously. Months passed. He was meeting my parents. Yet at night when I was already half-asleep, when he said he loves me and I said it back, he replied: I know you don't, but even so, I still love you. I asked what the fuck is that supposed to mean, he didn't answer and I fell asleep.

My friend said she would be angry with him for doubting my feelings. Somehow I'm not angry, more confused - we really are a compatible, loving couple, so why? - and sad that our relationship makes him feel like that. I know it's probably not my fault but I have no idea how to help him at this point.
Worth to mention that I think it stems from (aside from his bad self-image, insecurities, shitty childhood etc) the fact that he was really pursuing me and I wasn't exactly into him in the beginning, like you could tell he's really trying and I'm just getting along with it. He got the girl but he's not really convinced he got her, I guess.

No. 165003

Anons. My ex texted me and I texted him back in a moment of a weakness. He apologized and truly seemed to have changed, but I'm really just not feeling it anymore, and I feel like such a bitch because I probably only wanted him back for the attention. And we don't really even have anything in common anymore and I feel like I've grown out of him I feel like I'm going to vomit out of the obligation I feel the keep him posted. I don't want to abandon him or anything I just don't know what to do holy shit I haven't felt this bad in a long time I would've been better off deleting the text or muting it for a few days before making a decision. What the hell do I do.

No. 165004

Be as honest and unspecific as possible (specific reasons will only invite further discussion) smth along the lines 'I appreciate your apology but I' m not feeling it/changed my mind'. It's OK to get out now, you're only a bitch if you drag it out. listen to your vomit-feelings, he ain't the one!

No. 165005

You are right but I'm too scared. I don't know if I have the confidence to hurt him like that. He broke it off first. To further specify he just asked if he wanted to be friends again. I technically just said I don't know but kept talking. It's only been one night. Something tells me I should think a bit longer before deciding because I am impulsive but I don't want to keep him on read for too long. I feel like my brain idolized him and him coming back gives me closure and comfort but I just don't see him in any way to be in my life again. It just feels too weird. Should I tell him this when I feel ready? Like I said he only texted this morning. How long should I wait? … I feel desperate right now because I have no one else to turn to for advice

No. 165028

He needs to work on his deep rooted insecurity, he owes you that. You deserve to be with someone who recognizes you love him. Like your friend, I'd be angry too. Don't misunderstand the implication of what he's saying, he's basically saying you're a liar and attacking your integrity, whether he means to or not. You really need to make clear to him he needs to work through his issues because you don't deserve to be thought of as a liar when you've been nothing but loving and reassuring. If he can't do that, maybe it's selffulfilling prophecy.

No. 165029

> I feel like I'm going to vomit out of the obligation I feel the keep him posted.
> I don't know if I have the confidence to hurt him like that.
> I don't want to keep him on read for too long.
Stop putting his feelings over yours and start prioritizing your own. If you need longer time to think, leave him on read and take it. If you don't want him back, end it and cut off contact. Like another anon said, I agree with keeping it as unspecific as possible because you don't want to spark discussion and making it even harder on yourself.

No. 165093

Talking from the perspective of the other side - deeply rooted issues that make it hard for me to believe anyone will love me - what really helps me a great deal is how patient my boyfriend is with me, stuff like he makes sure to always tell me how happy he is being with me, even in the most casual situations, details what exactly he loved about time we spent together as we are about to part ways/go to sleep, gives me a lot of casual signs of physical affection, like little kisses and touches, makes sure i'm good and comfortable and so on. It's far more excessive than anyone else ever bothered to give me in past relationships but it really helps and feels great. You should not force yourself to do anything against yourself of course so I can't tell you that these things are what you should do if you dont want to but at the same time, listening to your friend implying you should get angry will only get you opposite result for sure.

No. 165125

Sorry for the late reply but thanks anon, i really needed to hear this. I will focus on myself and make the most out of my 20s before I settle down. I can't imagine my life settling down at this point with whats going on around the world.

Though anon, when would you say is the best time or age to start settling down?

No. 165138

There is no "best time or age to settle down". When you feel ready and once you've found someone who's actually worth considering a relationship with, that's the best time. Doesn't matter if you're 28, 38 or 48 at that point.

No. 165141

I think I might be asexual and my bf isn't and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm on a waitlist to see a sex counsellor but it could be another few months. We've been together for a few years and he never really pushed me to have sex with him, we've only done it handful of times over the years but recently he asked me about trying to sleep with other women to fulfill his needs, which I was no cool with. It also could be a result of trauma, as I was raped as a teenager by my then boyfriend. I've had no problem being FWB with dudes in the past but I more so enjoyed the attention and feeling good about myself than the actual act. Idk if this even belongs here but I'm not sure what to do for my bf that's fair to him.

No. 165253

I started falling for my best friend just before he entered into what is now becoming a very serious relationship. Preserving our friendship is important to me, but I feel so jealous that I don't know how to talk to him without sounding passive aggressive and butthurt. How do I move past these feelings?

No. 165255

you'll probably need to distance yourself from him if you feel like you can't control yourself from acting out. you had your chance to confess your feelings for him before he entered into a relationship so you just need to accept your loss.

No. 165259

Has anyone else dated a pathological liar? I am just now letting the reality sink in that I dated someone who completely fabricated their life story to me. The relationship was extremely psychologically abusive. Whenever I think about him, I feel extreme rage. Anyonreelse?

No. 165272

Yes, I did. It was the worse experience ever and let me scarred for a long time. You will get over it, keep it strong Anon I’m with you, don’t let it ruin your ability to love

No. 165281

Can you tell me your experience? For some reason I can’t find many others online who experienced this. I read the comments of this video and all it is is pathological liars throwing a pity party for themselves. Fuck them. Even the comments criticizing them have replies with things like “they can’t help it!’ its an illness!! ):” like holy fuck I’m so fucking mad. I was emotionally terrorized for over a year by a pathological liar and I’m supposed to have an ounce of sympathy for him? I want to punch something. I feel so enraged, alone, and helpless.

No. 165286

>seeing guy for 2 months
>says he wants to wait a few weeks before we're "official"
>I really wanted to spend NYE with him but he said he was working
>yesterday we hung out since morning and then he says he's going out to his friends party
>"I thought you were working"
>"Oh no… You can come to.my friend's.. If you want"
>I refuse the invite because it sounded like a pity invite

He hasn't even called or texted me "happy new years". Should I just drop him rn? I felt pretty lonely at the countdown.

No. 165293

Drop him.

No. 165294

Ghost him. He’s playing you.

No. 165304

jesus please dump him or ghost him. in fact don't dump, just ghost, because he's obviously taking you for a fool. he should've known if he wanted to be with you within the first month, not playing you two months later

No. 165324

It's disappointing but thanks for the confirmation. I suppose men do give you exactly the treatment they think you deserve.

No. 165329

How do I become less anxious and jealous and clingy
I don't see my bf very often and we just watched a movie and played a game 2 days ago but now today he's not as responsive and is apparently according to discord playing games and doing stuff without me maybe even with other people and I just feel stressed and lonely from it

No. 165331

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your boyfriend's behavior is at least part of the reason why you're so "anxious and jealous and clingy." Are you like this with anyone else in your life that you're close with, or is it just him? What's the reason why, in your words, the two of you don't see each other very often?

No. 165332

I have never felt this way about a friend but I often feel it with boyfriends. I have self esteem issues in general so that's most likely a big part of it. We don't see each other often due to multiple reasons honestly.. I thought I was going to spend Christmas or new years with him but we ended up not meeting and I was crying on Christmas. He will say he misses me and then he doesn't respond for a while doing his own thing or with his friends and then I don't feel like he actually misses me, but I know it's healthy and normal to be independent and not glued to your phone for your gf.. So I feel like I should stop getting upset about it every time

No. 165333

Yes. Like the other anon says, it sticks with you for awhile, but eventually subsides. Honestly, I find that distracting myself as much as possible by engaging in my hobbies and working on myself in meaningful ways is the best way to go about. You'll probably find yourself dwelling in the relationship and abuse a lot, and while that may feel productive at first, eventually it starts to wear you down. Try and channel your anger into something that makes you feel powerful, like exercise or self-defense. Personally, I found weight training to be really helpful (and I look strong af now). Therapy can also be helpful if you can afford it, particularly if you look for someone who specializes in abusive relationships. Therapy can also help you nail down the reasons why you ended up with someone like this, so that it doesn't happen again in the future. Not that I'm blaming you necessarily, but it is pretty common, unfortunately, that past abuse (usually in childhood) unconsciously draws you to similarly abusive people later in life.

No. 165335

ib my opinion you need to strengthen your relationship with yourself or your friends/family so you don't derive your self worth from this person. maybe get some hobbies too instead of worrying about what he's doing
but if you are genuinely suspicious or dissatisfied you'll need to get to the root of the issue and communicate

No. 165336

I don't have family or friends, I talk to a few people online but they aren't around that much. I have hobbies but I still feel stressed about him. I just love him a lot I guess and I always worry he doesn't feel the same..

No. 165338

not having a support system in your life is the major issue imo, it makes your whole world revolve around him, which then makes you feel insecure/jealous/abandoned when you're apart. if he hasn't given you reason to suspect him of foul play/assholery then you should resolve the issue within yourself

No. 165342

Look up “anxious/preoccupied attachment style.” You sound just like me. I stopped putting up with emotional neglect in relationships. Tell your boyfriend how you’re feeling and TELL him that you NEED reassurance that he still loves you. People like us really need that.

No. 165343

I actually often ask him and he does reassure me but if he doesn't reply for a while I still worry.

No. 165364

File: 1609561542392.jpg (12.02 KB, 500x375, little monkey john deere.jpg)

Alright anons, it's time for me to look like a dumb bitch..
I got out of a highly abusive relationship several months ago and swore off dating for a while because of it. I've made a lot of improvements with myself + how I handle conflict and my emotions. I did have a period of 2 days where I tried dating apps, but ended up intimidated and felt like I wasn't ready, but it's been a while.
I met this guy online under a complete platonic basis but we ended up 'falling' for each other. Even now I've never really felt this way about anyone and he has been wonderful to me, no weird scrote-like behaviors (so far). I adore him, but…
My intuition is telling me something is just not quite right. I keep getting this weird gut feeling that this isn't right for me.. it's eating away at me a bit.
For one, we're LDR. LDRs rarely work out. I'd be fine with it if we were in a very casual e-relationship where we had no plans with each other but he's really serious about it and I feel serious about it with how much I like him. But we have no chance of meeting each other any time soon not just because of COVID but he had major surgery and has a really long recovery time. More and more I've been craving physical touch or even just to go out on cute little dates and spend time with someone in person. It's hard for me to deal with at this point and I'd rather just be single and fuck around online than feel committed to someone I either will never meet or won't be meeting for the foreseeable future.
Second, I don't think we're the most compatible as far as sexual taste & future plans & dealing with potential conflict go. Sex isn't everything in a relationship to me, but I also can't see myself being with someone who can't satisfy me in that regard. I would never ever cheat, so I just feel a bit miserable about staying and dragging him on if this isn't something that we could work out. Also, he went to college but it seems like he doesn't really have any plans for himself. Obviously he's recovering from surgery so I don't expect him to be working right now but he seems so very unambitious for the future compared to me who has planned out an exciting future for myself with hope and lots of ambition and a drive to do my best. When I've gotten upset about stuff he kind of ignores it and makes jokes about it until I storm offline and he realizes he fucked up and apologizes. I think he's genuine when he apologizes but it drives me insane when he acts like a 13 year old boy when I'm upset over something and pokes more fun of it even after I say "this isn't a joke."
And finally, there's just this gnawing feeling of "this isn't going to work." I don't like to be in a situation where I don't think things will work whether it's a job, friendship, or relationship. I find usually my intuition is correct about this sort of stuff and I don't really feel like I should be wasting my time in a situation where the relationship is doomed to fail when I could find something that might make me happier in person.
I worry about him because he's never had a girlfriend before and I'm his first real love. I'd feel so bad if I broke it off with him at this point but I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I really be throwing myself under the bus for him? Is this even worth it considering it's a LDR we may never even get to meet for a long long time? Fuck me anons I'm retarded and I just don't know what to do. My heart is telling me this isn't right for me but what if it's wrong? What if I lose out on something great? What if I hurt him? Is him joking about stuff that upsets me really that big of a deal or our potential incompatibility? I'm losing it, sorry for the wall of text

No. 165368

I've been in 2 e-relationships and regret it immensely. There's a lot of immature males who will waste your precious time using you for voicechat emotional labor and at the end of the day (or 5 long years for me) all I got out of it was one-sided dependency. Please just cut him off, your brain may be full of emotions right now but you need a grown woman relationship where you feel like a prize and not a proxy waifu. Even if this is his first "relationship", let him use this as a learning opportunity. Time to give a fuck about yourself, for once. Go find someone with a real future to take you on those cute dates and work to impress you.

No. 165371


Thank you two. It's done. Not saging so you two might see this, you really helped a girl out, seriously.

No. 165384

Long story short, she built a web of lies in which she lived with her abusive father, was a mtf with ptsd from a previous relationship and didnt want to have sex because of it (of course, I would have find out she's just an androgynous female kek), yada yada, she lied about her name, her family, her job, she was having sex with multiple partners at my back and had another relationship with someone she told me she had blocked everywhere. I discovered the truth once I texted this other girl, whom had another web of lies. Years later, I heard from my ex again and she told me she fucking had DID and it was the reason behind everything. The nerves of the bitch. It took me several years, therapy and a nigel-tier boyfriend to get out of paranoia and depression, I really loved and trusted that bitch. Pathological liars sure know their way out of everything.

No. 165388

Thank you so much for sharing anon. I really needed that solidarity. The most bizarre thing she lied about was being a MtF, what the fuck lmao. My ex also built a web of lies that involved being abused. He created these explicit rape/torture scenarios that happened to him (disgusting things like him being forced to eat his own shit, being held hostage, not being able to call the cops because his family were drug dealers and the police could never be called, etc). They always love to play the victim in their fabrications. It kept spiraling for so long. There is SO MUCH MORE he lied about that I haven't written. He created an entirely different life for himself. The only reason I believed him was because I was a naive teenager and I had known him for a year before he began the lies (so I trusted him).

I recently sent him a long letter calling out all of his lies and then blocked him. It felt so fucking good blasting it in his face that he was abusive and that I knew that everything he told me was a lie. I hope he has a terrible life.

No. 165560

this guy i met online that i talked to over a year and kept makinf excuses up as to why he couldn't meet up with me, turns out was talking to another girl this whole time. found out today after he turned down yet another invitation to a date. I felt bummed out and didnt want to talk to him, he doesnt ask if im ok, i log into steam and he's logged in. There' a bunch of messages from a girl on his profile with hearts.

I feel like the dumbest person rn. This guy was a bum, talking to at least two girls at the same time to get an ego boost. I am shaking because I can't slap him in person. also, I doxxed him. My confidence is even lower than it was before I started talking to him. I don't want to feel. I blocked him everywhere and texted him and asked if there was anything else he lied about. I need to know if any of the nice stuff he said about me was true because I feel like absolute shit rn.

No. 165561

samefag i havent doxxed him sorry, I mean, I found out where he lives. Should I post it somewhere? i am raging, i hate him so mucbh.

No. 165562

Anon, catch yourself on. You've never met this man and have only spoke to him and you want to slap him for talking to other girls? I'm sure he wouldn't give a shit if you spoke to other men, you aren't dating

No. 165563

samefag but this other girl was in canada. i live in the same state as him THREE fucking hours away and he never wanted to mwwt me

No. 165564

I know but he wasted so much of my fucking time. i know its partially my fault for being so retarded and naive. but how can someone be such a piece of shit and lie. and chip away at someone's esteem like this? someone pls tell me to doxx him i want to so bad

No. 165565

Don't doxx him here no one cares, but how is talking to someone a waste of time? Not every person you talk to is going to automatically owe you a relationship.

No. 165566

we were supposed to meet, he stringed me along for more than a year,

No. 165567

You're just going to have to take a lesson from this to not invest in a guy that doesn't commit.

No. 165569

Anon I really hope you’re underage because this is super childish. It sucks you wasted your time, but it sounds like this guy didn’t even agree to a relationship with you. You’re way too concerned with him. Take a breather, go for a walk. You don’t need compliments from random guys on steam.

No. 165572

he "comitted" online. We got along so well we just had to meet, that's all that was left.
>dont get me wrong though i want the real thing, talking to you is amazing and im really yours ok
idec about my dick lmfao i just wanna go on a nice picnic with you in the fall
seriously i love you ok m8 ill vc and bother you tmrw even if you want to take a break or whatever ill have to deal with it bc ik exactly where youre coming from

that was him LAST year when I said I wanted to stop talking to him

or maybe his car broke down and is embarrassed? maybe those "mein<3333333" messages on his wall werent a girl? and it was just someone shitposting? they were from last yr, why would they show up now? i had never seen them…. maybe he wanted me to see them, maybe he wanted me to stop talking to him once and for all? i'm not underage, but I find it really difficult not doing anything with the address after it was so difficult to find. I almost im afraid i'll drive down to his home anons. which is why i wanna dox him. i don't wanna do anything srsly THAT bad. just post his phone number adress, first last name and email address. his band name as well.

No. 165576

Anon, even if you dox him no one will care. Like unless he specifically stated "I'm dating you" then he didn't really do anything wrong. I mean I guess he sort of lead you on but you should have enough dignity to stop talking to someone to flaky. Right now you're just coming off as unstable and entitled

No. 165577

If you're this bothered you should probably just ask him about the girl? And if he's still happy to talk to him, say you can drive down to meet him? If he says no, move on, he doesn't sound worth it.

No. 165580

I did, I told him I could drive down this friday. HE set up the date. He got "sick" last time. I asked him today if we were finally meeting this friday and at what time, and he didn't give me straight answer. then i asked him yes or no and he said no. No explanation just no we're not. Like, if something is going on i think he should've told me, because just a no seems like I forced him to pick a date last year, like he never wanted to meet me and did it to shut me up. I don't wanna meet someone that doesn't want to meet me.

>so this friday coming up isnt happening either? i need to know so i can set up some work shifts

>let me check something
we r either going to a restaurant or the fair right
theres 2 fairs i think one of them is closer to you
i probably asked before but have you been to a local fair

then long convo about fair

To be fair, I think he miscalculated the date of the fair, he thought it was this friday 1/08 but it was 1/15. But then I tell him we should eat at a restaurant and he says then not this friday….. I think he just can't drive? and also you anons are going to hate me but I sort of told him last year he could talk to other girls too,,,,,,,,, now that I'm remembering. here's the convo

i went to a medical marijuana dispensary for the first time today
and there was a girl who worked there that recognized me from school
she was being weird and my friend was like dude why didnt you ask her for her number etc
and i said m8 im married with mi bruja
true story qt ily
You should've asked for her number m8
wooooooooooooow ok well he said he would get it for me
Did u rlly say that tho
nice c:
she was actually into me in high school lol she would be touching me all the time but ok
and yes m8 i told him im taken
Taken, online LOL
lmfao whatever
U can be married w me in the meantime ;-;
idc what you say we are cute and together
not important{Why'd u go to a dispensary? Do they sell cbd oil there?
someone suggested that awhile ago to me for my anxiety loool
I don't like liver that much lmao that's why I made the guacamole
So I can cover it in it
And yea rice + guac is v yummy
my friend has a medical card and no i went to get some thc lollll
and maybe idk much about cbd i tried it before but felt the same afterwards
and lol ok yeah makes sense im not a big fan of liver either}NOT IMPORTANT
wowow i kind of cant get over the fact you dont care if i talk to other girls
I doooo care m8
ok good bc i want to be yours not anyone elses
I'm just saying you can do better and I don't think it'd be fair to other girls irl, emphasis on that
stfu m8
nah fr stfu
its not like youre in eastern europe or something
but ig ik wym
youre basically saying that so if you meet someone “cute” irl you can just be like “well this was just online so nice knowing you”

then i explain no bc of my anxiety and that i wasnt rlly looking to meet someone just happened to like him. dont rlly go out plus most guys annoy me

you just want to keep “my” options open i think i get it
m not in a rush about it so whatever. it just felt weird w u saying that i should keep “my” options open. i want to be that someone for you, idc how selfish i sound. anyways im done talking about it now

so ig he sort of accepted it? oops. obviously ive become more attached since then so now i care. but omg i blocked him….. but then………………………. if u like "love" someone and respect them would u talk to other people just bc they said u can??????????? ik if he told me i was free to talk to whoever i wouldnt have…… so y did he….????????????????????

No. 165581

What the fuck

No. 165582

If he fucked up the date you could give him until the 15th then since you've been invested this long and then if he flakes on that you can know you're done for good. Guys are wankers. I was dating a guy for 6 years and never got my closure over why it went to such shit. It's a sad fact of life that people don't owe you shit and they can just not tell you what they really think so you have to use his actions to come to a decision. He can talk sweet and call you his wife but if he doesn't meet you by the 15th you should really make your peace with it. It will suck to not have him to talk to, but you'll be better off without him.

No. 165583

Idk, I'm still thinking he should explain those mine messages with hearts on his wall…. when I told him he could talk to other girls I meant irl obviously. seems like he was talking to that girl online. but idk he hasn't replied yet.

No. 165584

samefag but anywho ty to the anons that replied, ill stop shitting up the thread now

No. 165585


No. 165592

File: 1609725049934.png (561.02 KB, 720x418, skele.png)

holy shit anon I'm really sorry you had to feel that way but this is hilarious

No. 165596

Anon I love your energy and I’m glad you didn’t dox him LOL

No. 165601

he sounds shitty regardless

No. 165620

He's petty asf for sure anon, know why he kept putting off the dates? because of this ONE time early last yr where i turned down his first invitation. I totally forgot. I genuinely didn't feel comfortable enough yet and he didnt' want to rush me. I felt it was too soon. I came around and was rdy, but now he felt I was rushing him (????) most guys don't feel rushed right. lol its whatever tho, we're finally meeting!!

No. 165621

anxiety maybe? or he doesn't know how to drive. that's so exciting anon! tell us how it goes!

No. 165628

If you two ever meet, this relationship will become a trainwreck, I sense it. Anyway, I wish you all the best, anon. How old are you? I'm curious.

No. 165645

no definitely he does, his literal job consists in driving. Maybe he was making sure I was sure? and his way of making sure I was sure was me insisting? no idea. It's like I hurt his ego the first time he asked me out. Had I known he'd blow me off the rest of the year I would have just gone, but there was a lot of stuff going on, I felt weird, etc.
If it becomes a trainwreck it'll be because of me lol but I'll do my part and take my meds to not drive him crazy
I dunno anon, I don't see it as a waste of time. Maybe we don't like eachother irl, maybe he stinks etc. That's the whole point of me wanting to meet and get it over with. Maybe he doesn't like me irl either.

No. 165676

File: 1609797456602.jpeg (149.07 KB, 1200x1200, 05E3631F-530A-4536-9659-F58DB1…)

I’ve been talking to a coworker for just over a month, and we went on our first date two weeks ago. Things seem to be going really well, we’ve been on 5 dates and we have plenty to talk about when we’re actually together, but lately it seems like the texting conversation is drying up.

The problem is we text pretty much all day back and forth, we each take about 30 minutes to reply. I’d say about half the conversation is sending memes or tiktoks. I love the fact that he wants to talk every day but I feel like I’m forcing a lot of what I say. My feelings for him are getting stronger and stronger but I feel like we’re going backwards with texting.

Should I just start taking longer to reply? Should I start saying “hey I’m busy right now but I’ll text you later”? I feel like 2 weeks is too soon to have a whole conversation about out texting dynamic.

No. 165693

Rn now my partner is getting super drunk again. I'd asked him to help me build my compost heap tomorrow. The one he'd promised me for my birthday 3 months ago.

I've already planned it, took him to get the wood, all the things. Very granted, he doesn't speak the language here. I planned the things….

And honestly, that doesn't even matter right now. He just screamed at me and lost it.

I brought up that it seemed weird that he was in the rotc in his 15-17's but keeps claiming he lost a man as a sailor.

Just.. Extreme and weird. I'm scared it will escalate and get worse and he'll turn out to be something worse.

On the other hand I truly love him. Alcohol doesn't help him. While he can be emotionally careless, he's never ever been violent.

No. 165697

I'm scared for you anon. Drunk, screaming, lost a friend in rotc(when he was 15-17?, wut), emotionally careless?……….you love him, cool, but does it seem like he loves you? he's never been violent until he is. Are you going to wait for him to hit you? I would leave him to sort himself out

No. 165700

Yeah, was in the rotc from his records, keeps talking about a sailor he lost. The reason he screamed at me a few times tonight. "if only I hadn't brought it up. If only I hadn't brought up James."

Not going to lie, at this point I smell such extreme bullshit.

I'm not in danger, no worries. But I truly appreciate it. I know where the axes are.

Just.. He does not give a shit. About screaming at me whatever. Keeps making me feel like a horrible person for not remembering that guys name..

Somehow I keep being the bad person for bringing it up. "how could you? How could you bring up his name?" as if all this is my fault. Its not. I know that. Argh….

No. 165701

Please dump this guy and seek therapy so that you don't end up with someone like this again. This is extreme even for these threads. Your bf is dangerous and insane.

No. 165704

That's a lot. I can see maybe being engaged for an hour or so if you're having an actual conversation but to just bullshit with memes back and forth every 30 min ALL day like… do you not have responsibilities and activities that pull you away from that? I would just cut back drastically, maybe respond 2-3 times a day unless you're talking about something meaningful (and even then, limit the time you're spending on it). If he comments just say you've been trying to do a bit of a tech detox and mean it, allow yourself to fully focus on whatever else you're doing rather than being conjoined to your phone. Allowing it to take that much time out of your day cumulatively isn't healthy nor is it really adding anything meaningful to your relationship with this guy.

No. 165705

Don't put so much pressure on texting. Just send a meme and go off, if you have something actually to discuss, have a call, otherwise just leave talking to in person meeting. Seems like you prefer that so just tell him that. Since you're already coworkers there's no issue of not being able to see each other or talk for prolonged periods of time so theres no reason to "improve" your texting.

No. 165706

In case it wasn't clear enough from the other anons' responses, he is emotionally abusive. This is just as serious if not more so than physical abuse because it's easier to make excuses for him. This man(child) is not mentally or emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. I understand you care about him, but he does not care about you. This is clear from his actions and the verbal abuse he's throwing at you. Take a look at yourself and ask why you think it's okay to accept this. You will not and cannot fix him, he has to want that for himself. There are no magic words or a certain level of understanding that will make him change. He knows he's hurting you and doesn't care.

>On the other hand I truly love him
I doubt it. You are likely infatuated and/or desperate and see certain qualities in him you appreciate and are hyperfixated on those to the point you are giving him a pass for this behavior. If you do actually love him which means you want the best for him, then your level of codependency is allowing him to get away with being an alcoholic abuser without any repurcussions, therefore further enabling his descent into the dumpster fire. He will never learn or improve until you leave. He may not get better when you leave either, but he'd have a better chance at it knowing the person he supposedly loves will not be his scapegoat than knowing he can get away with it forever.

No. 165711

ayrpt and sm >>165706 this nonny. If he sees you won't put up with his abusive behavior and he loves you it will encourage him to seek therapy for whatever may be wrong with him due to the supposed loss of a sailor mate or whatever, to keep you in his life. If he doesn't, then you dodged a bullet because he was just looking for a punching bag. Take care of yourself ok

No. 165714

Hi I have trust issues from my bf doing something before but I also did something and we talked and promised we wouldn't do anything again
But now suddenly on fb his uncle I think? And some girl showed up in my friend suggestions, from my experience only people your mutuals recently interacted with show up there but he says he doesn't even remember her but she showed up together with his uncle as well and I'm worried he's lying

No. 165715

Did what exactly?

No. 165716

He went on tinder when I was a little sad about something. There wasn't even an argument or fight I just said I was sad about something. I cheated while drunk at a con over a year ago. He chose to trust me so I know I'm supposed to do the same but I'm suspicious of the girl suddenly showing up and him saying he doesn't even remember her although supposedly the algorithm shows they recently interacted

No. 165718

>only people your mutuals recently interacted with show up there
most of the time, yes, but not always so I wouldn't get too anxious about that but literally everything you've said in >>165716 is such a sad, sad mess. Just break up. This is bad for both of you, even if none of you ends up cheating (though it feels like very possible thing to happen) you'll both feel anxious always and this is no way to be happy in life.

No. 165719

I'm the only one feeling anxious actually, he actually trusts me so he isn't worried. But you saying he's likely to cheat is not helping me get over it.. I want to trust him too

No. 165720

No offence but you literally cheated on him and YOU'RE the one with trust issues? Break up with him and deal w your issues

No. 165723

Sorry, I honestly wish things would always play out the way we want them but from the outside perspective it's going to be really hard for you to trust him and rebuild things. And even without any cheating context, just the fact that your bf has tinder while being in relationship with you is a more than solid reason to break up with him. Like other anon said, find a good therapist if you can, deal with your issues, and ideally start a new, clean relationship that will be exactly like you want and need it, without things that require repairing.

No. 165724

Ime people with a history of being the cheater… also tend to be the most paronoid about their partners being cheats too. Take a break from dating and really work on yourself. Practice some faithfullness yourself and you might start to believe that others are capable of it too. I don't mean that in a harsh way but the reality is people with thoughts of cheating assume that everyone thinks that way and that is the real source of your anxiety.

You'll destroy this relationship and all future ones unless you go through a deep dive in therapy to figure out your own motivations for cheating.

No. 165730

terrible advice, anon shouldn't be dating right now. a new relationship won't fix anyone's issues

No. 165732

I'm always annoyed when people claim that one can only date when they fix all of their issues. It can take years sometimes; as long as the issues are being adressed through therapy or any other kind of work on oneself it's enough, there's no reason to deny yourself love because someone or something fucked you up in the past.

No. 165742

I cheated because I was drunk and around a guy I had a crush on there is no special meaning behind it, and in nearly 2 years that's the only occasion I cheated or felt the urge to cheat..
Going on tinder when you're not in an open relationship isn't cheating? I think I'm allowed to have trust issues over that, even if I made mistakes as well. I wouldn't get mad if he didn't trust me either but he does, so I want to trust him too

No. 165745

You had a crush on that guy, what more meaning behind it do you want there to be? I get thinking someone is attractive and/or a nice person, but if feelings go past being merely platonic, there's something wrong.

I doubt he trusts you, he probably already checked out of the relationship or at the very least doesn't think you're deserving of respect anymore.

He sounds shitty and so do you.

No. 165749

Drunk mistakes are very common I don't know why you're so salty about that, has it been done to you perhaps?

No. 165753

>there is no special meaning behind it
>a guy I had a crush on
how is that not a special meaning

No. 165755

Cool cope, cheater.

No. 165757

Relationship has been over since you cheated. He may be trying to cope but it's almost impossible to regain trust after someone betrays another to this extent and you'd be doing him a favor letting him go find someone who actually respects him. What you did was unacceptable and him being on a dating app is unacceptable, it's time to move on.

Ntayrt and sure but did she ever go to therapy or attempt meaningful change/remorse after cheating? Sure doesn't seem so considering she's still hand waving it away as no big deal and "common." Drunken mistakes are common… in shitty relationships. Drinking doesn't magically make you into another person, it just lowers your inhibitions to do the things you already wanted to do. Someone who truly loved their partner and was loyal would not be tempted to cheat, even while drunk.

No. 165764

This. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for cheating.

No. 165765

Seems like you’re the salty one? Maybe your bf got drunk and banged a stranger off tinder. By your logic, it’s not a big deal.

No. 165767

I haven't seen my boyfriend in a year because of Covid (I'm in Europe and he is US), and for the last couple of months I felt like he wasn't really paying attention to me sexually, like we hang out on Discord every day for hours, but it just made me feel unwanted. I tried to talk to him about it and he just said it's more fun to play games etc., which I do like, but I liked it when he made me do (sexual) things - we have kind of a D/s aspect to our relationship and I really liked getting stupid punishments and things like that.
In the end it made me feel really unattractive and caused a lot of conflict because he didn't want to talk about it properly and didn't change anything. He didn't even compliment me or said or caring things, it made me feel unloved.

In the end I started talking to someone else online and talked to him about my relationship, and he wanted me to just leave it because of how unhappy it made me. I mentioned talking to this other guy to my bf, and also talked about leaving, and since then he changed a lot of things. He is more sexual with me again, he compliments me, we had an argument and normally he just wants to get out of it but now he was telling me that he didn't want me to cry and asked how he can make things better. He even said once that me being angry at him was adorable, previously he just got annoyed. He is being really nice and thoughtful in a lot of other ways. It makes me happy, but idk why he changed. Is it just because he got jealous or maybe actually thought about things and realized it was making me unhappy? I'm just not sure and kinda scared it'll go back to how it was.

No. 165769

wow you are not only a horrible girlfriend but bitter as well. you deserve everything coming your way, i know your psycho ass won't break up with your bf but hopefully he'll come to his senses and break up with you first

No. 165772

All sorts of red flags anon. You sound young so first of all, why are you wasting precious time in a ldr right now? It's an ideal time to explore and find guys who actually enjoy and respect you, discover new things you like, not wait around for some lame ass gamer to pay attention to you. He is not the only dude in the world and he's clearly not even a very good one at that. Why did you need someone else to tell you it was okay to leave when you knew you were unhappy long before? You need to develop better self respect and standards.

>idk why he changed. Is it just because he got jealous or maybe actually thought about things and realized it was making me unhappy?

The former. It speaks volumes that you tried to talk to him about your needs before and he ignored you. If he cared, he would've listened and made these changes the first time you brought it up. Now that another man is in the picture suddenly he's attentive, and why? Because this is an ego thing for him. It has nothing to do with him liking you as an individual, you're just a status symbol for him and I guarantee you he will eventually stop giving a shit again unless you continually remind him that other (better) men would happily want to pamper you where he does not. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of this relationship and/or your life if you were serious about him? A good man would want to do things for you simply because it makes him happy to see you happy, not because his manhood is threatened. Also

>He even said once that me being angry at him was adorable, previously he just got annoyed.

Fucking barf. This is just two sides of the same misogynistic coin. Originally he just didn't give a shit and now he finds your genuine pain and frustration "cute." What a charmer.

No. 165773

He could just be going through his own things. LDRs are hard and the world is in crisis mode.

Angry people that are passionate can be cute. It doesn't mean there is sadistic pleasure. That's up for interpretation.

I don't see red flags here.

Maybe he was in limbo trudging along in his life and the very real fear of losing you snapped him out of it. Jealousy isn't a bad feeling. It literally drives self-improvement and relationship care and commitment to important life figures. It can alert us to passiveness and carelessness.

Good luck to you guys

No. 165774

no one said she (or anyone else) has to be perfect to date, but clearly she's unable to be trusting and committed right now. if she went into another relationship expecting a clean slate without doing some serious self reflection and improvement she would only bring a ton of unresolved drama into the the relationship
he's probably been mentally checked out for a while and went on tinder with the hopes of jumping ship, but got caught

No. 165775

Why the reddit spacing and shit takes?
Could you maybe give us your ages because this all sounds very much like an older dude toying and ignoring a younger woman just because they are shitty.

No. 165776

why are you so paranoid?

The guy fixed his behaviour. I don't see the problem. Every relationship has rough patches and trial and retrial phases.
The only thing OP can do is see and actually check if the change is substantial and communicate about her needs and boundaries.

fixed my le Reddit spacing 4 u mam

No. 165777

Even your advice is just regurgitated "just communicate and ignore all the other red flags!!", also you didn't do anything to your reddit spacing, sis. I just would love to know their ages as this sounds like the usual 19-22yo woman and a 27-37yo man shenanigans.

No. 165781

>Angry people that are passionate can be cute. It doesn't mean there is sadistic pleasure. That's up for interpretation.
Mmk, let me make this real simple for you. When your partner gets angry about not being able to go to their favorite taco stand because they forgot the closing time that's cute. When you are amused by their anger over the fact you ignored their desire for more intimacy and didn't listen to the hurts you caused them, that is sadistic and infantalizing, nothing up for interpretation.

No. 165796

Yeah, it seems like a reaction to the other guy, but at the same time sometimes in the past he did try to make small changes, they just never lasted. He was very dismissive though for the last couple of months, and before whenever he changed his behavior a bit it was never to this extent. Irl he is really caring, but the way he is online can really suck sometimes. How he is now is so nice, but I just don't really trust it to last. Like I've already been made to feel like I'm not good enough to be cared about so idk.

About the angry comment, I wasn't really angry just frustrated, I was telling him that he should get a job because hasn't had one for a long time, and I said it's really hard to plan a future with someone who doesn't care enough to get himself out of the situation he is in. And he thought I was trying to insult him and found that cute, but he wasn't saying it in a patronizing way, I think it was just his way of not making it a conflict. He did address it after though.
I am 23 and he is 33. We talked about living together in the past but he doesn't want to do it as long as he doesn't have an income even if I do - I managed to save up a lot of money the past year and he sill has nothing, so it's frustrating to not be able to do something I really want.

No. 165798

Yeah, anon don't waste time on a man that is acting like a retard even as a 30yo something. Seriously, the fact that we knew you were young and he is older tells you a lot, don't waste your energy on this shit. He is never gonna get his shit together and you are not his mom, saviour or a teacher. Wishing you well though, shake off the deadweight.

No. 165799

Boyfriend insinuating I'm childish now because of this one time I overreacted over something when I could've approached him better. If I don't seem enthusiastic enough about something he'll tell me to "stop pouting" or "don't pout" even though I'm not. He doesn't sound passive aggressive but it's weird he keeps messaging so often to ask "are you pouting"

Maybe just trying to bug me?

No. 165800

>I am 23 and he is 33
>D/s relationship
looooolll pure poetry

No. 165804

I need a farmers evaluation. A few weeks (maybe a month?) ago, a friend of mine got to know a guy. They're not dating but my friend told me she's definitely interested in him, and from the way he acts, he very much seems to be too. Anyways, we've met up a few days ago with a some friends. Somehow the topic of exes came up, and apparently his ex cheated on him, got her cheat-partner to believe her that [friends guy] has been physically abusing her and managed to exile him from his entire social circle by painting him as the bad guy to get a cop out from cheating in the first place. Is my distrust in men getting the better of me, or am I right to think that this is kinda suspicious? To be fair, it came up pretty naturally in our conversation, so it wasn't like we were talking about chicken nuggets or some shit and he suddenly went "btw guys did i tell you about my evil ex already??". But even then, you'd still refrain from dumping this kinda information, even with an plausible in, when you've known somebody for only a few weeks (or not even a day in the case of the rest of us), wouldn't you? Granted, I myself don't know when the perfect timing would've been to tell someone about it, assuming it's true, and I suppose it's a better one than if his ex came into her DMs like "Did you know?" and he'd have to explain himself in that moment, but still…
If it was any other friend, I don't think I'd be worried to this extent, but that friend in particular has had a string of bad relationships and ignoring glaring red flags because she wants to see the best in people and is really trusting, alas…

No. 165807

>I am 23 and he is 33
why do retards do this?

No. 165813

Just dump the dick, it's easy since you don't even live on the same continent. Get some therapy before starting your next relationship since you don't seem to have high enough expections of a man.

No. 165816

It's really hard to say what's the case here, though I wouldn't jump to conclusions he said that to gaslight you / everyone, because that would be such outrageously sociopathic behavior it's just insanely rare to happen. You're amazing for looking out for your friend so much though!

No. 165848

Sounds like he was absolutely saying it in a patronizing way. You bring way more to the table than he does just by what you’ve written: employment, savings, youth, and you seem like you genuinely care. He has no employment, no savings, plenty of guys date younger cause ladies their own age see through their shit, and only cares for short periods after he realizes you’re slipping out of his grasp. Sounds like a man child, not a man you can rely on to protect, guide, and lead. Drop the dead weight sis.

No. 165879

File: 1609998281631.gif (860.21 KB, 320x253, 47328096502.gif)

I FUCKING KNEW IT. It's not really funny because anon is blind to how pathetic the guy is but there's definitely some dark humor once you've been through this a few times and realize how insanely common it is. Men are worthless

Girl for real, he's a grown man spending all his time playing vidya and sexually manipulating (when he can be assed to do it) someone who hasn't even had the chance to live her life and develop standards yet. This is a shit relationship and he is shit. If you want shit attached to you that's your choice, but don't be surprised if it continues to stink. I just wanna reiterate that this is not okay, not normal and not healthy or beneficial for you. You actually have a job and some savings, focus on that and your own happiness, not this loser. Aim higher than being a 30-something man's mommy, sex toy and emotional punching bag.

No. 165880

societal conditioning for the most part

No. 165881

We all make mistakes and overreact sometimes. Healthy partners agree that you did something stupid, forgive you, then move on. They don't continually poke and remind you of that one time you messed up and then gaslight you for doing the "same thing" in unrelated scenarios. He may not be guilting you about it intentionally, but that doesn't matter when the effect is the same. Bring it up with him and tell him to cut the shit, because now he's the one assuming things and overreacting to nonvolatile situations. (Which is a great way to make them become volatile. The whole, "Why are you so angry? I'm not. Well you seem angry. Now I am because you're annoying me.") Also unless you're complaining about not getting free candy at the doctor's office, grown women do not "pout" when it comes to their sincere concerns, so he can fuck off with the condescending language.

I agree that it's tough to say right now. I would keep it in the back of your mind and take it within the context of her overall relationship with this guy. If he's consistent, trustworthy, respectful of her, etc. How he talks about other women in general. It's pretty rare for women to accuse men baselessly, but I know it can happen, so hopefully she just stays on the lookout when it comes to how he treats her.

No. 165883

society pretty much looks down on most age gaps like that. most normal people wouldn’t be impressed by anon’s choice of partner.

No. 165893

File: 1610012314656.png (278.79 KB, 379x339, 473025670426.png)

You sound like a scrote but since I'm in a giving mood let's ask some relevant questions. How many early 20-something female celebs do you see with men 40+ but if adult actresses have relationships with younger men they're "jokingly" chastised as cougars/cradle robbers/milfs? In popular media why is it normalized that old men are constantly paired with much younger actresses even if their characters are supposed to be the same ages? Why is sex work and being a sugar baby pushed as "empowering" for little girls across social media but you don't see the same happening to little boys? Why does any male with even a vague amount of social clout tend to go after naive girls rather than women his own age yet rarely even receives a verbal slap on the wrist for doing so? Why has it been popularized to refer to a hot man as "daddy"? Why do only ~1% of couples with large age gaps involve older woman? Why is it that globally 12 million girls are married before the age of 18 to much older men?

I assume you're primarily referring to the westernized world when you say "society" because men marrying child brides certainly don't give a fuck about a grown man dating a 23-year-old, and in fact would say he should've aimed younger. And even in "woke" countries we are constantly being told explicitly and nonverbally that it's normal, cool and ~mature~ to date older men even though they tend to be just as if not more juevenile than their younger counterparts.

No. 165964

Why tf are you going out with a guy who texts you "are you pouting" that's so gay lmfao

Reconsider your relationship with him. Bcus stuff like this is only going to get worse. I dated a guy who would also treat me like a child when I was upset. He seems like a condescending douche just from the few things you've said about him alone.

No. 165971

Ayrpt and this is spot on. I didn't know why his asking rubbed me the wrong way but it's because I already did my part and apologized. I don't pout, I just have a serious face on most of the time, it's like he wants me to laugh at everything. This is my favorite speculation anyways. My least being that he's actually a sadist and gets off on knowing he's made me upset. He hasn't asked me or told me anything since when I posted but I will bring it up if he does again because this is not the first time he acts in a condescending way to me.

No. 165974

How do I get the motivation or interest to text people back? I spend most my time off social media and sort of dread replying. Everything I do revolves around me not being distracted by other people, like playing (single player) vidya, writing (a big one, because I don't want to lose concentration) or watching a movie. How the fuck do I stop being a reclusive asshole and start being a good friend again?

I tried forcing myself to reply but it takes a surprising amount of effort and energy out of me.

To make it more romantic relationship centered for this thread, I'm thinking of getting back into dating again but my above problem makes me think I'm just gonna match with people and never want to actually talk to them.

No. 165993

Good for you anon, I'm glad you're taking this seriously and will watch out for yourself. I wish you the best but since
>>this is not the first time he acts in a condescending way to me
that is true it seems like this guy may not be capable of a healthy relationship. If the patronizing attitude arises again I hope you will get away from him. A good partner shouldn't make you second guess yourself or diminish your feelings.

No. 165995

I'm probably not the best person to give advice since I struggle with this myself, but I can offer some ideas. I try to make responding a manageable habit. Having to pick up and put down my phone throughout the day is distracting, so I just don't let it interfere with other activities. I pick a certain time, usually early morning or late evening, to respond to people and then don't touch it the rest of the day. Like checking email. I also try to limit the length of my responses. I often found myself attempting to respond line by line so people felt "heard," but it would mean my responses were like five paragraphs which only made texting more annoying. Instead, even if they've given me a long response, I try to respond with only a few sentences. It's not about being dismissive so much as getting to the point. Better a succinct response than none at all. If a friend needs to pour their heart out or requires a more intensive response, they can call me. Having to write everything out when it comes to deep issues is too draining and time consuming, not to mention not a very personal way for them to get validation either.

Last thought is to consider what people are even worth texting. Considering it honestly, why are these people your friends and what are you getting out of texting them? What do they bring to your life? Is it really necessary for you to text them consistently or can you have a relationship with them where you just talk to one another now and then and let each other be during the periods between? It's not necessarily a bad thing. I have several friends where I might not hear from them for over a month, then one of us will pop in to catch up, then we go back to ignoring each other. Maybe you just need more friends on a similar wavelength rather than accommodating those who need such frequent contact.

No. 165996

this fucken dude
i swear to god i'm his ~goth gf fantasy and "more compatible than any other female" (is /pol/tard slash 4chan user reeks of incel energy) but i swear to god I liked him long distance and now he's home he's doing my head in. flexes his money when i ask him not to buy me shit cause i gotta work for it, is like talking to an actual brick wall and lies around in bed all day looking at 4chan or games. i feel so fucken trapped cause (reason here, long story) and i like him fine and his family but it's so NOTHING I'm feeling suffocated.
I'd be more nuanced but he knows I post here and he's gone through my belongings while I've had my back turned (super creepy) like, my art I'm working on and will slyly comment on it etc. pls farmers help how do I get out??
inb4 "you know what to do!!" I don't, he's a nice enough dude just super autistic and I dont wanna hurt him. also he's huge he could crush me. help.
fuck I dont know what to do, I just know in my gut i gotta get out now but i dont know how.
he kind of spent a huge amount of money on me when i repeatedly asked him not to, I was so pissed when he left I sobbed to my mum and she told me to return it but he wont let me. idk what to fucken do guys what the fuck.
I just wanna die alone and this whole thing has solidified the fact that I'm repulsed by dick or sex like gtfo
any advice seriously ANY

No. 165997

you need to be 18 to post here anon. You post like you're on tumblr. So first of all, stop being cringy. Second of all, it's really not that hard to say you want to break up, especially if you're not in an abusive relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are. You're dating a fat poltard incel willingly. Wtf?

No. 166010

Leave and stop being a retard who dates incel-adjacent men. What are the actual reasons you can’t get out right now? Obligation? fear of him physically assaulting you? What is stopping you?

No. 166018

Thanks anon, that's a good tip to have a 'schedule' and reply then.

As for my friends, they are mostly low maintenance but I once went months without responding because I put my notifications on mute and didn't turn it off, and accidentally ghosted a bunch. Now I feel terrible if I don't respond semi actively.

No. 166019


Thank you. And all the others.

We had a talk. The "last chance" kind of. The day after the fight, he'd been very reclusive, withdrawing attention and just touch or care.

For the first time I opted to sleep on the couch, got my feelings together. I came to a few startling realisations before he found me.

Told him that this no longer works. We are not broken up, but he's got a few months to get his shit together. I saved 10k€ so he could come study here. If he doesn't, I'll use it to get myself some livestock and a horse for that.

I will be happy either way. He knows that now. For good. This is his last chance.

No. 166024

Thank you although I do tend to overthink and make myself upset. Our relationship is otherwise healthy, I don't think it could get any better. Like, I don't know if I'm overreacting about him asking me something innocent, maybe he's just trying to be cute, and I'm the one making it go in an unhealthy direction. But i suppose that is gaslighting and he's drawing a false equivalence between that one time I was admittedly wrong and times I don't act the way he wants, and it rightfully ruffles my feathers. Also, there's the fact that just because someone apologizes to another, that other person doesn't have to forgive them. Other times he's been "condescending" is not wanting to argue with me on certain topics and me just thinking it's because he doesn't think arguing with women is worth it. So it's like I'm offended by everything idk.

No. 166025

can't you just leave? he invades your personal space and clearly doesn't give a fuck about you or your opinions so even if he's 'nice and just autistic' you should still give it to him because in the end you're getting hurt and stressed while he's emptying his wallet for a chance to empty his balls in you. what are you do if you keep waiting? open your legs in pity?

you tell him straight that you don't like him that way and to stop buying you stuff because you'll give it away (even if you dont give it away) do it by text if you're scared of him and avoid him from there on unless you're in a crowded public place. after that just keep the expensive stuff. he didnt curse the objects that magically obligate you to like and talk to him. give it away if you want

No. 166026

I tend to want to play devil's advocate a lot, is that a bad trait?

No. 166027

It's annoying more than anything

No. 166028

hm it’s okay as long as you’re not on the level of ‘well hitler was good for germany’ spergery

No. 166030

No. 166035

yeah not like this lol, but like if someone comes to me complaining about someone else, I tend to go "well maybe they ___"

No. 166038

Ew I would take hitler spergery over this

No. 166046

It's good that you're able to see both sides of the conflict, but in most situations it's seen as inappropriate, dismissive, and rude. TBH I prefer people who tell the truth instead of offering empty platitudes, but typically when someone complains to you, they just want emotional support, not another thing to complain about.

No. 166048

File: 1610132674481.png (1.73 MB, 1398x1476, Screen Shot 2018-09-09 at 12.0…)

Last year I tried a few different dating apps. I'm very introverted and don't have any friends in-real-life where I live. I matched with some people (both men and women), and was talking very surface level stuff with them.

A week or so later my sister and I had coffee and she got to talking about this guy she was seeing. She told me how he had forced a kiss on New Years Eve, and as she explained more and more about the guy, I realized it was someone I had been chatting with on tinder.

I felt repulsed by a few things:

1. I was sharing a dating pool with my sister. She is much more active about relationships/sex than I am, and I felt I'd be getting her hand-me-downs. Also I'd be matching with people who had fucked my sister, which disturbed me.

2. That was actively seeing this guy, even after he forced her.

3. This guy was actively flirting with me while dating my sister (we look VERY alike)

I never told my sister about any of this. They broke up a month later, and then covid started. It soured me so badly on the dating scene that I feel disgusted by it still, even though I want to meet someone.

tl;dr Anons, if you have a sibling living in the same area as you, how do you deal with the possible overlap of partners?

No. 166050

No it’s not. Not being someone’s personal army is based. And people who complain about others are usually the biggest losers. Tell them to get a therapist that they have to pay for.

Unless it’s fucked up shit that they did ofc.
Le truth. Lol. Do you expect that from people who are complaining? There’s a reason why people tend to ramble when they talk about problems, because it’s one sided shit.

No. 166058

Are you me? This is probably one of my worst habit, it takes me days to reply to texts, it took me like 5 days to answer to my date wishing me a happy new year. I've been specifically thinking of breaking things off before they get too serious, I'd probably be a terrible girlfriend, I'm a giant red flag.

No. 166088

Very much take that back. Getting a fucking horse, some sheep and those damn chickens I've been wanting.

No. 166106

Try a dating app she isn't on. Don't use dating apps. Discuss matches with your sister.
I also share a dating pool with my sister. We're both staying at home instead of our respective uni campuses.

No. 166108

What ended up happening?

No. 166111

File: 1610174896478.png (105.54 KB, 466x344, image0.png)

What do you do with a guy who you love deeply, are intellectually compatible with, have great sex with, and would want to have kids with if only you could just start a life together?

He has plenty of money (family wealth) but can't hold down a field of study or a job and we both still live with our parents even though I'd be happy to move into an apartment with if his parents didn't control every aspect of his life? I'm so close to giving up on ever getting to live with him and just focusing on moving out by myself. I've been waiting for him to get his shit together for years and it just won't happen.

I feel so envious of my other friends who are cohabiting with their SO and living out their cool 20s in an apartment with a cat and that's all I want but he can't help me achieve that.

No. 166114

Yeah fuck, I have some friends who complain to me about feeling like shit because their matches on apps aren't replying or replying quick enough and I'm just there going 'y-yeah' and sweating. I probably won't survive in the online dating world because of it and it's something I wanna fix before I start

No. 166117

Hah. I already built the chicken coop. But they were decided on before the relationship drama.

Come here. Let's have those sheep and chickens and horses together.

No. 166130

wealthy but can't make wealth on his own, controlling parents who own that wealth (so no chances of him trying to get away from them)…
plus, do you think someone who can't hold down a job/degree can raise children?

sounds needlessly complicated.

No. 166132

>guy who you love deeply, are intellectually compatible with, have great sex with, and would want to have kids with
Guarantee you could find another guy like this no trouble. That's like the bare minimum. Besides that, he can't look after himself, whether or not you think that's his fault, it's true. You're right in thinking he won't get his shit together, because he doesn't have to.

No. 166223

Just replying to this to say AAHHG

That sounds so uncomfortable. >>165796
>was telling him that he should get a job because hasn't had one for a long time,

In a long distance relationship with an unemployed scrote, can't say I haven't done the same thing. It fizzled out when he finally got an irl girlfriend* and wanted to keep having personal and sexual conversations with me at the same time, then he threatened to commit notalive because I complained about it online without naming him and he saw it.

*She's a 4/10 pickme who had anal sex on their first meeting lol

No. 166224


Texting or talking online is still emotional labor, not worth it imo. It's better to talk less online or on text and more in person anyway. If someone wants to talk all day long online, they are just using you as a chatbot and wasting both of your time.

No. 166237

Just ended a really long relationship with someone who I loved but was sexually incompatible with. I feel relieved but I'm trying really hard not to rebound with this cute guy I've been flirting with, should I stay single for a while or release my repression?

No. 166248

Depends, could you have sex with the new guy without feeling guilty or dishonest about it? Does it have to be within the context of a committed relationship? Would he be fine having casual sex while still being respectful towards you? Basically, if you think you can be physical with him without anyone getting hurt then there's no reason to avoid it, but I'd make sure you're really only looking for that physical release and not trying to find a mental copy of your ex + sex which would be a recipe for disappointment.

No. 166460

I was in a long term relationship with someone who was/is a total porn and sex addict. Did a lot of things I didn’t like just to make him happy, including letting him fuck around with other women. Still not sure why I stuck around so long (likely abandonment issues). Finally ripped the bandaid off and broke up.

Now I just hate the idea of having sex ever. Honestly I dread it. It’s been a year and I feel like I could go my whole life without fucking. Hardly even used my vibrator. Not really interested in dating right now (pandemic mostly) even though the idea of being desired is really appealing to me.

Anyone else go through a relationship with a sex addict? Feel the same way? Do I need to have a whore moment? How do I get over this slump? At some point I would like to find someone and enjoy intimacy again. I hate the idea of letting my ex ruin my libido for the rest of my life.

No. 166474

Last guy I dated had some sexual tastes that I'm guessing few women would ever want to entertain. Over the few years we were together he went from not being pushy to giving me full on ultimatums that either I perform this weird shit or I can pack my bags on the spot and leave (I had no fallback place to stay) Eventually he cheated and post break up I realised how much he fucked up my own relationship with sex.

Im 3 years single and I can't see myself letting any man near me again. I've been chatted up twice in that time and all I felt in those moments was threatened, unsafe. I had fight or flight mode kick in.

I think the reality is that women like us will have to see a professional and open up about those shameful feeling details in order to really heal. I know that's likely the only answer but I've been avoiding it. I'm not someone who feels unhappy when single so the thought of facing all that baggage is too much right now. 3 years in I'm just about getting back to being able to enjoy solo play again.

No. 166610

Sounds sort of similar what I went through but never ultimatums. It was more guilting me into meeting his needs. Same with allowing him to fuck other girls. He had needs beyond what I could give him. I always just convinced myself I was being a loving girlfriend. Even though I wasn’t allowed to be with other men. Because I wasn’t the one with a sex addition. It really fucked with me.

You’re right though and it’s likely only something I can get over with therapy. But I hold so much shame for it. Literally no one knows- not even my best friends. My first post is the first I’ve ever talked about it. I find a lot of comfort being single though and fine with it. Actually happier than I’ve been in a long time. I just don’t want to hear the trauma come from my own mouth. At least not yet.

No. 166646


Genuinely sorry anons. You both deserve love and healing and know other anons are rooting for you to get better even if you never are with a scrote again. The Y chromosome is a genetic mutation.

No. 166665

How do I ask my dad for money? I haven't met him yet but I'm wanting to the first time I meet him, and make it into a monthly source of income. Don't want he's entire paycheck of course. just 100$ helps me a lot. Or is that too little?

he was in prison for 15 years, got out about 3 years ago, mom never got a cent of child support, and since he got out he hasn't offered me money, but he should know better.

I hadn't wanted to meet him because I didn't (still kinda don't) like him very much.

No. 166666

samefag his*

No. 166667

File: 1610471870346.jpg (44.46 KB, 407x286, 118358022_183791390007527_5454…)

samefag again sorry, also wanted to add that he has a girlfriend, so if he can afford to have one he should be able to give me, his daughter, money right?

No. 166668

Anon, men suck and even if he's your dad with a girlfriend you might have a hard time making him part with a monthly allowance for you, especially if you're now an adult and would not qualify for child support. My Dad gives me money but he was the one that offered it to me, I would never have had the guts to ask for his financial help even though he's well off.

Good luck if you bring it up to him, but considering he wasn't around, never paid child support and was in prison I can't see you banking on this.

No. 166670

Yeah I'm aware, but considering he offered a whole car a few years ago when he was fresh out and I was petty and turned the car down, I think he might be open to the idea? I just don't know how to go about it, I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, but if that's what it'll come down to. If he doesn't budge then I really don't think I want anything to do with him.

Btw he gave that car to my brother per my request and my ungrateful brother fucked it all up, so he might see me as the reason he lost money.

No. 166685

Is it incompatibility or me pushing relationships away for some reason?

Throughout my whole life, I really like a guy, then convince myself that we're not compatible and back away. Like I'm worried I haven't found the best person for me. I get cold feet, grass is greener stuff, seek to justify why we wouldn't work.

I found possibly the best person for me, literally meets all my impossibly high requirements but I start picking at a few flaws and pushing him away. I prepare myself for it to end for no reason.

At the same time I crave to be in a loving relationship.

Anyone else get this? :(

No. 166687


sounds like self esteem or some deeper fear tbh.

I used to push away partners after we were together because I didn't feel comfortable with myself.

Take some time single. Work on yourself and try to find out "why do I do that"

But in reality you're going to be incompatible with more people than you're compatible with so don't "settle" but also don't look for stupid reasons to bounce. (ex: we have different hobbies its not gonna work). Honestly compatibility is usually on a level of base values and chemistry. Things you can't really "change" like how smart are they (not ignorance, i mean intelligence), are they a god stan, have they always had strong core personality traits that seem to not be able to "mesh" with yours basically is my point.

No. 167055

File: 1610664595353.jpg (153.38 KB, 953x1024, moomin13.jpg)

How do I actually deal with jealousy and anxiety about who my bf hangs out with? He doesn't really have female friends but is very outgoing and stuff, and I dread him meeting women he would want to spend time with as friends because I know this would shoot my anxiety off the charts. I was cheated on in a previous relationship after six years, and spent a long long time gathering clues and confirming suspicions, it was all absolute hell with the constant stress and all the fears turning out true one by one.

I'm with a different person now of course, but it just feels too dangerous to let go of the thought completely. Almost every single person who was cheated on trusted their partner the same as I do, and never believed he would do something like that, just like I would never believe my bf would. He's the most loving and caring person, he's so excited to move in with me and stopped contact with his ex with whom he was on friendly terms, even if I didn't ask him to, just to make sure I wouldn't be anxious. But how can anyone be sure enough that things are as they seem, when cheating is just objectively so common? Many people show the exact same behaviours and still end up cheating.

I also can't adopt an attitude where cheating wouldn't be the end of the world, I kinda just pair bond strongly and especially this relationship means so much to me that even if I know I would get through it eventually, the pain before that would be unacceptably bad. I don't think I could feel the good parts, the support and love of a relationship, while being so indifferent to what happens.

Pls no therapy suggestions, I have talked about this with therapists and they invariably approach it through longer variations of either "you just have to trust him, remember all the evidence that he obviously loves you" or "even if it happened, it's just human life, not a catastrophe". I know there would probably be better professionals out there but the search is just too exhausting, if any of you have actually heard of better approaches to manage this I would be so grateful to hear what they are.

No. 167057

Sorry anon, they may not be the answers you want to hear but your therapists are right. The question is how to adopt a mindset that doesn't feel depressing or pessimistic while still allowing yourself to accept those facts. Your main issue is this

>I don't think I could feel the good parts, the support and love of a relationship, while being so indifferent to what happens.

Why do you think recognizing that him cheating and the two of you splitting wouldn't be the end of the world means you're "indifferent" to the state of your relationship? Do you think that recognizing your boyfriend could die tomorrow in a freak accident means you have to remain "indifferent" to the good things you have now? It's not about being cold and callous, holding yourself at arm's length so you don't get too attached and feel pain if something bad should happen. It's accepting that you don't have control over anyone or anything in life except yourself. Your options are to either remain alone in an attempt to protect yourself from the inevitable pain of losing someone (whether that's through cheating or growing apart or one of your eventual deaths) or accept that while losing your partner is going to happen sooner or much later, the pleasure of sharing a life with someone who cares for and loves you is worth the eventual hurt that follows. Being sad about losing someone doesn't take away from the earlier moments of happiness you shared. You can't fully enjoy what you have now if part of your mind is constantly distracted by a future that hasn't occurred and may never occur. You understand that this attitude is hurting your ability to relax and appreciate your current relationship, but you're not willing to develop enough self love to accept both the highs and lows in life? Why would you feel like that would somehow take away from the human experience?

No. 167058

Allow yourself to fully fall for him and enjoy your time together, accepting that it may all end one day. There's nothing you can do. And holding suspicions and worries somehow attracts things too worry about

No. 167061

File: 1610669174247.jpg (108.41 KB, 1000x871, strawberry.jpg)

Anyone ever faced with rejection and how did you deal with it?

Finally worked up the courage to text someone first for the first time ever and have been smacked in the face with rejection instantaneously. I just feel nauseous, this is also the first time I've been rejected because I was always too scared to contact someone first

No. 167062

The anxiety comes from the likelihoods of these events - it's just not nearly as likely that a young person dies suddenly compared to them cheating. The risk of growing apart is of course pretty real in relationships, but something one can watch out for and control together in completely healthy ways. The things that would similarly reduce the risk of cheating or even give you reliable information about it would be overly controlling and just make the relationship worse, so the risk is high and there's not much one can directly do.

I do think that accepting the risk isn't really compatible with being all in building a future with someone (for me). I really want to rely on my partner and share our lives to such an extent that a 25% risk of things ending through cheating is too much, even if there's always some smaller risk of accidents or other insurmountable problems. Even if I didn't want to, this is just how it works for me, I did previously try to develop a more relaxed attitude but it didn't combine with being deeply invested. When I really love someone, the uncertainty and betrayal aspects are too much considering how common it is for people to cheat. I guess I should just look for healthy things that would indirectly reduce the risk, surely there are some of those too.

No. 167065

It's happened to me too. It's awful. But the next time I texted first, I got a positive response and he's the best thing that happened to me.

It's worth making a move because sometimes it does work out.

No. 167066

I’m hopelessly falling for a girl who likes me but she's in a poly relationship and I’m not sure how can I handle that.
If it were anyone else I wouldn’t bother but this is the nearest soul mate connection I have experienced. It's like we are meant to be together. TwinfLames and all that shit.
I’m trying to take it slow but it’s overwhelming and I have to restrain myself from texting her every waking minute
It’s scary to feel so intense emotions because there was no honeymoon phase in my last relationship (with a man)

I’m so confused.
I don't think I have a problem with polyamory in theory but when I’m with a woman I want to give Her everything, spoil her rotten with kids and dates.

I guess I can’t do anything but wait and see how this works out.
But I’m Seeing her Sunday and can't wait
I’m going to clean my apartment and buy flowers and cook something for her.
Are candles too much?

No. 167067

You're still looking at this in a self-limiting way. You currently believe that a "relaxed attitude" and being "deeply invested" in someone are incompatible because you weren't able to feel both at the same time in the past. But just because you weren't able to accomplish this before doesn't mean it's impossible; it means you've given up on trying to achieve that balance and instead turned your mind towards attempting to control things outside of you, which is an impossible task.

Your fear stems from your lack of control and you're pretending you can reduce the chances of your boyfriend cheating by doing specific actions (i.e. controlling his behavior through "things that would indirectly reduce the risk"). But by choosing to be in a relationship you have no choice. The possibility will always be there. My point in mentioning the others things is that you are currently able to live your life without those obvious risks affecting your ability to enjoy your relationship. You recognize them but aren't especially affected by them. You possess the mental capacity for that. So why should the potential of him cheating be any different? You say it's because the risks are higher, but those risks still have almost nothing to do with you. Why do people cheat? Because they fall out of love with their partners, because they lack self esteem, because they don't respect the other person. But you can't make your boyfriend love you, can't make him have high self esteem and can't make him respect you. He either does those things of his own accord or not. Sure, you can and should be a kind, supportive partner. But whether those things mean anything or not is totally on his shoulders. Tons of women bend over backwards to be amazing, empathetic and giving partners while their boyfriends shit on them. It's a "him" thing and not a "you" thing. You cannot make him be loyal, and continuing to try and do so is only going to drive you crazy.

You don't have to be "indifferent." You can recognize that him cheating would be immensely painful. But you can also recognize that while it would be horrible, you would still survive, still have value as an individual and the opportunity to regain greater happiness afterwards. Understanding that shouldn't somehow invalidate your current happiness or make it less meaningful. In fact, it should make it even more special because you know he's continually choosing to be a good partner to you. If he cheated, it would mean he was a shitty person who betrayed your confidence, not that you were undeserving of love. This is an issue of self confidence and self worth, resulting in you feeling you need to do certain things to guarantee a man's loyalty. You deserve a man's loyalty simply because you're a good person looking to build a happy life together, not because you've done xyz incredible things for him and now he owes you.

No. 167163

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Bf of 5 months recently went through my computer documents and pictures (which also had some imported old phone pictures) weeks ago but only told me about it last night. He had questions.

He'd been salty for months because when he'd press me to confess private things I straight up told him I wasn't comfortable sharing everything and that I'm going to have my secrets so he'll just have to deal with that. I'm perfectly fine if he doesn't wanna tell me everything, for example. So I guess he figured he might find my dirt on the computer and rooted through it. I gave him access to it while I'm at work so he can watch shit and go on the internet before he goes to work.

I'm not very mad because it's a fairly new computer so there was nothing much on it. Had it been my old computer from my teens and early 20s, I might have been mad cause there was personal shit on there. I had a few nudes from before I met him and that's mostly what he asked about (the whole several of them, fam). And he wanted to know about some screencaps that I took of shitty men and retarded dudes. He read a letter or two that I had written to exes, which again I didn't care much about cause they weren't raunchy or whatever and I was completely reasonable and in the right. I even went through the folders in front of him and deleted a lot of stupid and older stuff that needed clearing out for space anyway. I was talking about stuff as I did it. It was so pointless of him.

I just find it extremely petty.
To be petty back I want to demand his phone and laptop as well so I can go through them too. Not because I suspect him of anything, but if I'm not allowed any privacy or secrecy then why should he get any from me? Idk, I'm not mad but I feel like I need to push back to teach a lesson here. I was a bit too chill and understanding, and the more I think about it the more I see it was a power move on his part so maybe a penalty is in order. Idk.

No. 167172

He doesn't trust you, where there is no trust there is no relationship. It's been only 5 months, jump ship anon

No. 167173

Not trying to come off as judgemental but talking about twin flames usually isn't a sign of someone having healthy relationship expectations. I used to buy into that stuff and after a break up I thought I had lost my 'twin flame' I wasn't well at the time. Looking back with a clearer mind any discussion on TFs or soul connections that I've seen has pretty much been batshit. Desperate people, unhinged people with poor boundaries, heartbroken lonely people using it to cope. It's not healthy. If you're reading and buying into that stuff you run the risk of normalising obsessive behaviours and setting yourself up to cling to her no matter what.

No. 167175

If your bf of 5 months has been salty with you for months.. Thats way too much. Looking through your stuff this early.. Being annoyed.. Needing to know all your secrets etc. All signs that he'll only become more controlling and petty over time. Id be grateful that hes showing all these warning signs so soon. Listening to them will save you years of saltiness, snooping and whatever else he'll escalate things to.

No. 167183

I don't know what to do. I'm seeing this guy for 3 years and we've been close friends for like 18 years, and the entire relationship has been a shit show. He's cheated on me with at least 3 different girls and straight up had a relationship with one for a year. We worked through that kinda but I haven't been the same since. Now we're arguing all the time and this time he's yelling at me wanting to break up.

But I honestly have no idea how to deal with being broken up, esp by a close friend of mine, and right now I have 0 friends. I'm so depressed I'm seriously considering just killing myself after this relationship ends because I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with the hurt that comes from a break up this bad. I don't know how to be strong anymore, this is like the 5th relationship I've been in where I've been cheated on. I know a lot of anons will say it's me picking bad relationships but I legit go for very different guys to avoid that. I go to therapy so please don't suggest that. I'm just too tired to keep going and keep being hurt.

No. 167188

This is bad and frankly deceptive behavior. Please don't underreact to this for your own well being anon. It's been 5 months, that's nothing. All I can say is that every time I've seen a very obvious red flag and ignored it I've regretted it. Every time. And more than that, early red flags were small signs of much worse issues to come. I get the desire to believe people make mistakes and you should be able to forgive them and move on, but most guys are usually too self-centered and manipulative to do this. He should've apologized to you for breaking your trust and thanked you profusely for actually putting up with his sorry ass. He should've been embarassed about his behavior. Instead he pouted and interrogated you? Nuh uh. You made your boundaries clear and he ignored that boundary and looked through your personal shit anyway. Lemme repeat that: He did not care about your boundaries and felt entitled to trample them. He will do this again. Sick fucking dude who does not respect you. A mature response to someone stating boundaries you don't find acceptable is, "Sorry I need to know this information to feel secure in a relationship and if you're not comfortable sharing that's cool, but this isn't going to work for me." NOT to force that person to do what you want. Don't bother trying to punish him in the same way to teach him a lesson like he's a retarded child, you won't change him and he's not worth it. Just move on and save yourself from more trouble in the future, you don't owe him shit.

No. 167189

Has anyone had a situation where they've been blackmailed/guilted into cheating on their S/O? Or otherwise been put in a position where you feel like doing something like that is your only option?

No. 167193

Haven't experienced this myself but it sounds very much like coerced sex which is basically rape. Fucking horrific. Whatever they have on you I hope you don't allow them to abuse you like this anon, it's not worth deeply damaging your self esteem and bodily autonomy. Are you okay?

No. 167195


It happened spring of 2020, it was basically just a really shitty situation where I was moving and being threatened with my housing taken away and I was extremely depressed, ill, suicidal etc and did shit with the guy to keep my housing.

I cheated on my partner by doing it, and came clean to him shortly after it happened.
We broke up a few months back, and I'm in a different situation now, but he still hangs it over my head for breaking his trust and telling me I had other options, even though I really didn't. He couldn't help me, and since I had no way to fund myself or get a job due to the move and covid I'd have had nothing and nobody.

I do feel guilty for it, and I do take blame for it, but I also think to myself that sometimes you have to do shitty things in shitty situations for self preservation.
At the time he said he wasn't angry with me and forgave me, but blamed the guy, but he clearly didn't trust me anymore and shot me down when I'd ask about it/suggested therapy for us.

I guess I just wanted to not really feel alone in doing an awful thing because you felt like you had no choice and dealing with the consequences of it after.

No. 167197

How do we make friends? We just recently moved to a new city, we're both pretty introverted. Me more so than him, but on top of a pandemic we just have no idea. Anyone have tips for friend making as a couple rn?

No. 167199

I'm really sorry anon, not that you need me to say it but he is absolute trash and not even worthy of being called a man. You deserve so much better than that. I hope you leave him soon so you can move on with your life and enjoy happier, healthier things. I can relate a lot to how you feel; several months ago I left an abusive relationship that also lasted 3 years and I felt miserable afterwards. I was glad to be away from him hurting me, but at the same time I'd developed trauma bonds and become isolated due to his manipulations. I had no one to talk to and suddenly having my single close (albeit unhealthy) emotional connection in the world ripped away made me want to just give up.

I am doing much better now though. I did a ton of reading not only about abusers but on self esteem so that I will never allow a man to hurt me like that again. First sign of any poor behavior and I'm out. But even more importantly than that, I'm genuinely in a place now where I don't feel I need a relationship to experience complete happiness in the world. It's very freeing. I recommend looking at the FDS sub on Reddit if you haven't already. Since you've been in 5 relationships it seems like you've gone from one to the next without much time to care for yourself and heal in between. You may not want to forego romance entirely but I do think you should try focusing on yourself. I see the same pattern I had of trying to find fulfillment in other people (codependency). That's a recipe for unending misery and disappointment. It really is true that you have to love yourself before you can have a healthy relationship, and romance should be a small bonus on top of an otherwise balanced life. Take tiny steps as you can. Join groups of people so you can build friends and a support structure of your own, whether that's online or in person. Find hobbies you enjoy. Do work that you actually like. Date yourself, basically, and you might find you're plenty happy on your own rather than searching for someone to take the pain away for you. You can come back from this and there are so many beautiful things in the world you can still take part in and appreciate. Don't let a series of unworthy scrotes steal those opportunities and happiness away from you. It will take time, but you can come back from this and I guarantee you will eventually feel a million times better without a massive idiot on your back trying to beat you down.

No. 167202

That's horrible anon, I'm so sorry. You were taken advantage of by a disgusting excuse of a human when you were vulnerable. It's not your fault and you should not beat yourself up for taking the only option that was available to survive/not be homeless in that situation. Honestly your ex is a piece of shit for berating you over doing what you had to do in desperate times. He should've bent over backwards to support you and done whatever was necessary to help and protect you. Instead he guilted you over being abused? Fuck his ass to hell. Just like a scrote to imagine his fucking peepee pride suffered the most damage in a scenario like this versus the woman who was literally forced into sexual service by a rapist. But no, you absolutely are not alone and I know COVID/the housing situation has pushed a lot of people into absolutely awful scenarios like this. I hope you are in a better place and can care for yourself in whatever way is most meaningful now.

No. 167203

Meetup.com, Bumble BFF (app), Airbnb Experiences, local Facebook groups related to your interests, see if newspapers or coffee shops are advertising events where you could meet people, if you have coworkers talk to them/invite them to do stuff, search online for classes on hobbies you're interested in. Depends on where you are but potentially some things are open, just with masks/reduced capacity. If not they may be doing online classes which could still help you make contacts.

No. 167212

Thanks, any other suggestions that are a little less "normie" related? meetup for my interests nearby does have a few things but doesn't seem like it has many people. (like board games only has 4 attendees rip) I tried Bumble BFF for a day but idk I was clearly way over my head with it. Don't have tons of pictures of myself or insta and all of the girls were turbo normies. Not sure what AirBNB experiences are and I don't have facebook. Will try to find some local events. Current job is remote and only temporary and not really sure how to connect with the 2 other young people.

No. 167216

thank you so much for the kind words anon… I really really badly needed to hear that. I will take a look at that subreddit now.

I'm just so afraid of being alone, like you I have no one else outside of him. He tore my self esteem completely, I used to be alright with myself at least to some degree, but now I hate on everything, from how I look to how I act, doubt myself at every second. It's so hard for me to believe that I can ever be happy but your post gave me some hope.

No. 167221

Thank you.
To be fair, I think we're better off not being together. He would get pouty and sulk if I even spoke to another man, and the other day we had a fight because I made a joke about being a sugar baby to fund my college. First thing out of his mouth was like "Nice to know you never cared about me and lied to me when you said you loved me" and insinuated that I had been having cam sex with one of my friends because I was on a long chat with him on a discord server. Shit's wild, but him throwing the cheating at me during that fight got me more than I thought at first.

No. 167226

Could be that you're not in a very diverse area unfortunately, but if you're into tabletop stuff maybe look at game stores near your location? A lot of them often do demo nights, competitive leagues, one shot D&D adventures and stuff like that to foster a customer base and community. Airbnb Experiences are basically classes and activities you can sign up for based on location. Since Airbnb is centered around renting homes/apartments short-term they're usually touristy things that a visitor might want to do but there can be a lot of fun experiences that might give you ideas for things to pursue and help you make local contacts. You can also search Groupon for local classes. Quality varies but it'll still give you ideas about what's being offered.

Honestly though if you want to make friends you've got to put in the effort and maybe be a bit more flexible with your standards. Just because the people you're meeting might not have the exact same interests doesn't mean they won't be willing to listen to you talk about them or try things that are new to them in order to spend time with you. Give normies a chance and try new stuff, you might be surprised by what you end up enjoying.

No. 167227

Sadly I understand that feeling all too well. It's cruel what he put you through, but please understand that it was all gaslighting lies. He tore you down in an attempt to control you, but you've always had value. There are a lot of people out there who will appreciate and accept you exactly as you are, you just have to find them as opposed to being stuck with that asshole. Remember that you were/are alone even with him, because he was never there for you in the first place. Better to be on your own enjoying your life and exploring the world than alone even while in a relationship supporting an abusive moron. For rebuilding your confidence CBT was really useful to me. If you're open to it I recommend this book and going through the exercises (http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=1DDFD9D88A74F72181C80398997C4137). And if you need help logic-ing yourself out of the relationship then check out this (http://libgen.rs/book/index.php?md5=CC53E7964319B5771DCEA79E7F4797D1) to understand why issues are stemming from your ex's lack of self worth rather than anything to do with you. Leaving an abusive relationship is literally akin to breaking an addiction and you have to ween yourself off those feelings, but it really does get easier over time and will bring immense relief once your life has normalized again.

No. 167229

Fuck's sake, the dude's insane level of insecurity as he projected his self hatred onto you. You're better off without him 100%. What a miserable little creature to sink so low and attack you after such a horrid experience. My best wishes go out to you anon, don't let an idiot's miniscule ego affect your self worth.

No. 167263

File: 1610774934503.jpg (12.89 KB, 270x300, s-l300.jpg)

I don't know if this fits here as now it's ex-relationship advice but I need help and to vent. I'm emotionally exhausted. I found out last night my boyfriend was cheating after two years. The thought he never cared/loved me and without a care just continues his hooks up or other relationships far as I know, kills me. We separated a couple times but he was always the one to go out of his way to contact me again to back together. I cannot understand it if he just, had other girls, or was going to cheat anyways.

I need help because I can't find it in me to block him. When it finally came out I simply said "bye" and he left, didn't even fight anymore since he argued over the truth until I saw it crumble in his face that he couldn't lie his way out of it.

I wish I questioned him. I feel no closure. I can't bring it in me to block him. Idk how to move on and process this without the hope he'll come back again, giving some proof he regrets it and I meant something. That for two years I wasn't a fucking idiot loving someone who didn't even love me at all.

It still doesn't feel real, especially how we discussed that night ironically how he felt weird since his mom visited since his parents divorced because his dad cheated. "Seeing how much she resents him…I can't blame her." like father like son I guess

No. 167265

>When it finally came out I simply said "bye" and he left, didn't even fight anymore since he argued over the truth until I saw it crumble in his face that he couldn't lie his way out of it.
This is based, you cannot react any better than this. There's no such thing as closure - if you try to talk about it, you'll just get a guy making excuses, lying and gaslighting. I mean, by closure you just want to know that you meant something to him right? But, as harsh as this sounds, clearly you didn't or he wouldn't have cheated. It won't help and you're going to be in pain no matter what. But this way you get to keep your dignity, your self respect and you aren't giving him a chance to make you feel worse and make himself feel better. Stay no contact, focus on yourself and you'll be able to move on with your head held high.

No. 167272

I think my boyfriend has a leg fetish and it makes me want to cry for some reason

He always wants to rub himself on them, at first I thought it was flattering he loved my legs but now I feel uneasy. I feel like he looks at every woman's legs sexually. I haven't seen him look at them or anything, but whenever I see girls with shorts/skirts/dresses on I feel insecure. I've never felt like this.

He hasn't told me why he finds my legs sexually arousing really either, or if it's just mine he likes, but even if it's just mine, it's fucking weird. I understand breasts and butts, but legs? It doesn't make sense, he didn't grow up in a country where women cover up. Is it a mental illness? He's otherwise a normal smart person, but it feels coomerish almost (and he says he doesn't watch porn). Something tells me this is a red flag but I don't know why. I feel like the next time he says anything about my legs I'll burst out crying

No. 167285

I’m not sure why a guy having a fetish relating to normal body parts is odd? I do in fact know some men who are “leg guys” and just enjoy curvy legs, guys are guys and can/do love just about every part of a woman’s body. Even if he does appreciate other women’s legs is that so bad if he’s been good and loyal to you? Like you’d probably look at a shirtless runner with a six pack but just because he’d be nice to look at doesn’t mean you start fantasizing about him over your partner or want to leave for a stranger. If you’re so curious and weirded out by it then just ask him. If you can’t be open with your partner then it’s not a very healthy relationship. Frame it as a sexy thing if you feel like he’d be embarrassed about it. “Hey I notice you focus a lot on my legs when we’re getting intimate. Have you always had a thing for legs, what makes them so attractive to you? Can I do anything else with them you’d enjoy?” Rather than, “Yo you rub on my legs and I find it weird, what’s wrong with you?”

No. 167287

>I understand breasts and butts, but legs?
Same reason most of us drool over sexy male forearms and biceps. Come on, there's no way you don't understand that. It's perfectly normal.

No. 167297


This >>167265 so much. It's very common way of trying to cope by trying to find closure, more details, understand, but it's very unhealthy and usually comes from the need to feel at least a bit more in control, as it was taken from you as he was doing stuff behind your back. No matter what he'd say, it will just hurt you more long term. Right now you're hurting but you'll be glad things played out the way they did in the future. And you'll move on much faster if you block your ex.

No. 167322

I can understand how there's two main downsides to this, one being that yeah legs are a body part most women don't hide away so he has alot of oppurtunity to look at other womens legs. The second downside being that him rubbing himself on your leg won't exactly stimulate you and might even ruin the mood for you. Both things to discuss with him.

The first issue comes down to how much you struggle with jealousy really (unless he's starts being outright vocal about loving other womens legs. Which you haven't described so far) The second issue is the one that I think you need be clear with him about. Speaking from experience, men with fetishes can get wrapped in mostly doing what they want..while neglecting the fact that you just aren't going to come from a half hour of leg humping. They don't always pick up on signals that what they're doing isn't doing a whole lot for you. Have a frank discussion with him about that and make sure that your needs are being met too.

I remember the sheer boredom I felt while dating someone with an obsession for feet. It slowly lead up to a dead bedroom in our case because being expected to lay there while a guy rubs his dick on your leg/foot etc isn't a fun sexy time when it becomes too frequent and other forms of intimacy get pushed back because of it. It killed my desire for him completely. I thought of it as a tame fetish so even at times when I felt sick to death of foot stuff…I still didn't feel entitled to tell him to give that stuff a rest so I can enjoy my faves too. You shouldn't have to feel bored or turned off mid-session. His source of excitement shouldn't be at the expense of your enjoyment. You just have to communicate and figure out what each of you wants or is happy with when it comes to entertaining the fetish or not. Even if people think it's a super tame fetish you still have the right to say no to leg humping if it happens to be a total mood killer for you. You don't have to entertain the kink. If your feelings on it are that strong and he feels put out by that he has the right to want to move on. But don't ignore your own feelings on it and don't just let him do shit that dries you up.

No. 167343

I live with my boyfriend of a few years and whenever we get into an argument or I point out something shitty he did or try to discuss it so we can fix the problem he starts violently hitting himself in the head over and over. I've asked him to stop and said it scares me a lot and I've tried to get him to see a professional but there's no one around for at least 50-100 miles that takes patients without insurance and he also won't sign up for insurance. The only places I could find even within 50 miles are heavily religious and rely on god fixing mental health issues. Useless basically. I don't know what to do because it's really scary but he's the first person I've ever been in love with and I really wanted to make it work. It's so scary though. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

He also put his head through the bedroom door once because I locked it while we were arguing. Then he kicked it down later that same day when I opened the window in the bedroom because he shut the air conditioning off to force me out of the room. He said he thought it sounded like I was opening a bottle of pills and he thought I was trying to commit suicide. I don't believe him but he sticks by that and insists that the case even six months later.

I'm scared but I still love him and moving would be difficult because I'm in the middle of nowhere and my nearest friend or family member is about 1000 miles away. I tried to find counseling for myself (because I actually have insurance like an adult) but there's no one within 40 miles and I don't have a car and there's no public transportation out here. I'm so depressed. Any opinions or ideas for fixing things or for how to get away would be welcome.

No. 167345

It's just that legginess isn't as much of a characteristic of womanhood as breasts and hips/butts are.

He doesn't just enjoy them though, he wants to interact with them too. I get touching and kissing/licking, but feeling a need to touch them with his genitalia is fucking weird.

Loyalty means nothing to me if I have no idea if he's initiating sexual contact with me solely because he saw woman legs on an ad/show/movie/etc and got horny.
My boyfriend has amazing forearms and biceps but i've never looked at them and thought "hmm I totally want to rub myself all over them"
Thank you anon! My problem mostly stems from what he may be thinking when he sees other women with bare legs. Does he get aroused? or is it just my legs that arouse him? I have to ask him because now every time i see women with bare legs i think they're dressed scantily, same way I would when I see too much cleavage, when really it's just him that's wrong for thinking legs are in any way erotic. He doesn't neglect all of me, just gives way too much attention to my legs than I would otherwise like.

No. 167356

I mean even men with a thing for asses can check out women all day long. I wear leggings for comfort and I'm not even a curvy woman but I often get those creepy double takes where a man passes by me and I just know he's going to look back..and then they do. If a guys inclined to look then he'll find his flavor of eye candy no matter what.

Just noticing others in passing is harmless once it doesn't reach that point of 'let me stop and fucking stare til I creep women out'

No. 167363

Can’t lie, anon. I’m with you being weirded out slightly, the rubbing of a dick on my legs like that would be so weird. I know some guys have a thing for putting their dick between a girls thighs and “fucking” them and I find it degenerate.

No. 167367

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Yeah, no. This is manipulative, unhealthy and emotionally abusive. You are in an abusive relationship. A lot of people think abuse is only physical but that’s not true and in fact it’s a lot more insidious than that. You obviously care about this guy but I hope you take this to heart because this is a really bad situation, and you are right to be scared. Listen to your gut.

>I point out something shitty he did or try to discuss it so we can fix the problem he starts violently hitting himself

So you come to him with genuine concerns and instead of communicating with you in a mature manner to reach a solution he deflects by beating on himself. Convenient for him, isn’t it? He never has to look at himself critically, never has to make any changes in his behaviors to make you happy and on top of all that gets to play the guilt card because now you’re less likely to bring up any further requests because you’re scared of him going crazy again. It’s one of the most common play by plays in the abuser’s handbook. He is manipulating you so you’re in a constant state of and can’t speak about your totally normal and healthy requests for his understanding. Don’t try to ask him to change because he won’t do it. People only ever change for themselves. If he cared, he would be listening to you and getting therapy or reading up on free resources or books for how to have a healthy relationship, or something. Instead he is just repeating the shitty behavior because it’s working out really well for him. Look for Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft on Libgen if you want to understand it further. The only thing you can do in this situation is set boundaries. “If you hit yourself or break any part of our home or belongings again rather than speaking to me calmly, I will leave.” Then he either loves and respects you enough to do that or not. And you know, it’s okay to love him despite this, but setting boundaries is an act of love because it shows you care enough to only allow that person to act in healthy ways - for you and themselves, rather than letting them get away with damaging behavior.

> Has anyone else dealt with something like this

I sure fucking have! Me and millions of other women in abusive relationships. Physical intimidation alone is enough to be considered abuse but it may escalate into assault as well. Without intervention these things get worse, and sometimes even with support it’s too draining and dangerous for the victim to remain in the abuser’s blast radius while they’re working on themselves. My recommendation is to tell him your boundary but develop an escape plan first. Be ready to go. I understand moving might be hard but this is a matter of your safety anon and you have to take it seriously. Tell your friends and relatives about what’s going on; abuse thrives in the dark. Often people outside the situation don’t really get it because they haven’t been in it but don’t allow them to hedge or make excuses for him, just state what you want. “Hey, my boyfriend has been doing xyz and I have stated I’m leaving if it happens again. I am concerned for my safety. I wanted you to know about this in case something happens again and I have to leave quickly. Would it be okay if I stay at your place if this occurs?” Then set up a hidden “go bag” with necessities. Phone, wallet, important papers or files (can get a USB/external hard drive if you can’t take a whole computer), money, keys, some clothes and toiletries, whatever else you don’t want to leave behind. When the problem happens again, go as soon as you feel safe to do so. Don’t fucking remind him of what you said and that you’re going to leave so he can retaliate, just wait it out and get away when you feel you can slip out. Later you can call to speak with him about a time you can come back to get all your stuff. Let him know you will be coming with other people (movers, the friends/family, whoever you can get) so he knows he can’t pull any shit on you alone. And if you don’t even feel safe enough to verbally state the boundary, then do all the above without telling him. Good luck anon and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. As an aside, online therapy is a thing. I’ve used BetterHelp but I don’t think they take insurance. TalkSpace is an alternative that does.

No. 167368

Why won’t he get insurance? I know it’s expensive but on top of being crazy, inconsiderate to you and your feelings, and refusing to help himself, he sounds extremely irresponsible and immature for not getting insurance if it’s an option for him. What if he got in a car accident? Would he just start hitting himself in the head while you’re trying to figure out how to pay for his medical bills? He sounds extremely unwell and unwilling to help himself, it sounds like you’re putting a lot of work into trying to help him (you sound like a good, caring girlfriend) without getting much effort in return from him.

No. 167369

If you're uncomfortable with him rubbing his dick on them tell him to stop that shit. There is nothing wrong with enjoying frottage and outercourse but it needs to be mutual.

No. 167372


are you perhaps the anon who advised a girl around March last year to break it off with an abusive bf? if so, thank you- I'm in a much happier relationship now and my ex can honestly eat shit and got outed as a rape apologist, too, both his friends are rapists

More on topic to the same anon though, holy shit, I don't blame you for fearing for your safety, I worry he may eventually hurt you too.

No. 167373

Part of me wants to say that this sounds like self-abuse, like he hates himself and his behavior so much that he's trying to "punish" himself with the hitting. That being said, if he's literally incapable of discussing any relationship problems without doing this, or only does this if you try and bring it up, that's a massive red flag for emotional manipulation.

>He said he thought it sounded like I was opening a bottle of pills and he thought I was trying to commit suicide

That's…oddly specific. Does he have any legitimate reason to believe that you may be suicidal?

Either way, even if you believe this relationship is still worth salvaging, your boyfriend clearly needs extensive therapy. If he's not willing to do that, then you seriously need to consider leaving him. The behavior you describe is very scary and I would personally be afraid that one day it's going to escalate to physical violence against you.

No. 167374

Unfortunately no, I started hanging around here later than that but I'm glad someone gave good advice and that you're free from that relationship. I can relate, my ex was a rapist which I didn't find out until I was close to leaving anyway (nail in the coffin at that point since he was abusive well beforehand). Congrats on finding a more deserving guy!

No. 167376

Samefag, but also wanted to add that there are online options for therapy if nothing available in your area. He really needs to be the one doing the work to find it, though. It shouldn't be on you.

No. 167378

Damn. So what benefit does he get for being with you? You get the lifestyle. Kinda sounds more like a sugar daddy situation or a friendship. I guess you could have an open relationship.

It's all fucked up tbh

No. 167380

>he hates himself and his behavior so much that he's trying to "punish" himself with the hitting
It really doesn't matter. Many abusers aren't outright sociopathic and do feel guilt which is precisely why they deflect like this. If they get mad at themselves then suddenly their partner forgets about her issues with his behavior (note he is doing other negative things, anon said she's trying to discuss "something shitty he did" and/or "fix [a] problem") and rushes to comfort him instead, then he has a get out of jail free card. Their manipulations are rarely planned in advance or knowingly cruel, they just unconsciously understand it works and that's easier than having to face their entitlement, so they keep doing it. Your overall advice is good and I know you didn't totally excuse him, but there's a lot of apologists for these types of guys when they really shouldn't be getting cookies because they feel inconvenienced by their partner's very basic needs.

No. 167381

I've been in a similar relationship with him hitting himself, breaking furniture and me just hanging on in there because It would take alot to arrange moving out… but girl it has to happen. This escalation of self inflicted violence and violence directed at objects will only go on for so long before he hits you. What he's passing off as self harm is just an intimidation tactic. He might need years of therapy before he recognises that or will admit it.

You said 'it's scary' and 'I'm scared' multiple times across your post.. His wellbeing stopped being your concern as soon as he brought you to a point where you're living in fear of his outbursts. Find somewhere safe to stay and let him sort his own therapy out if he ever chooses to change. Hitting himself in front of you to avoid discussions is manipulative as hell. Abusers that manage to pull at your heartstrings while also making you live in fear of them are some of the worst. You're describing a series of maladaptive behaviours that abusive partners use to control situations…it's not about him hating himself, it's not about him being incredibly depressed, he's using these methods to control you and direct attention away from any pressing topics you need to raise. He'll use more of these tactics if you dare to push therapy or change. He can play victim if he wants but reality is he created a victim here and after you get out of that environment you're likely to see it for what it really was.

Even if he hasn't hit you, don't be afraid to tell anyone who could possibly take you in that there is violence already, the displays he's putting on are more than enough to count as violent intimidating behaviour.

No. 167382

Can you move back in with mom and dad?

No. 167383

Yeah I definitely don't want to excuse his behavior. It's fucked up and manipulative regardless of whether he feels guilt or not. That being said, feeling guilt is actually a good sign and means that the person may be willing to actually address their behavior and work through it. He needs to actually be willing to do this though, as well as admit that he's being abusive, and from the anon's post, it's kind of hard to tell where exactly he's at.

No. 167388

>kind of hard to tell where exactly he's at
She said he does this every time she brings up an issue and has already asked him to stop. For years. Again, if he truly cared he would've done something already.
>boyfriend of a few years
>whenever we get into an argument
>I've asked him to stop
If you are an employee and your boss tells you not to steal company merchandise, and you steal and get caught but cry a lot and they feel bad for you and give you another chance, but then you keep repeating this ad infinitum, you clearly don't feel that guilty. You are still priotizing your selfishness over the damage you're causing. But most people aren't stupid and entitled enough to do something like this, not to mention most businesses would never put up with it. He's doing it because he can get away with it and simply doesn't care that much about the stress, fear and pain it causes his girlfriend. As >>167381 said, it's more convenient for him to play the victim than admitting he's created one.
>put his head through the bedroom door once because I locked it while we were arguing. Then he kicked it down later that same day when I opened the window in the bedroom because he shut the air conditioning off to force me out of the room.
Anon tries to get space from him to feel safe. First he tries to force her out by manipulating the AC, then he literally breaks down the boundary between them. Entitlement, control, ownership. No guilt, no love.

No. 167403

>Part of me wants to say that this sounds like self-abuse, like he hates himself and his behavior so much that he's trying to "punish" himself with the hitting.
Please. He's trying to make anon feel guilty for daring to point out his faults. It's more on par with suicide baiting because it aims to scare and manipulate - suddenly, instead of focusing on what he did wrong, she's focused on coddling him and making him feel better.

No. 167479

I've been having issues with my boyfriend and it's making me want to break up with him because of it. I want to talk about things first before I decide to leave. Should I mention in the conversation that I've been thinking of breaking up if these issues don't get resolved or should I leave that out and try to explain in another way how much of a toll these issues are causing for me?

No. 167482

If you feel safe doing so (no signs of him retaliating when you've expressed dissatisfaction before) and if you think you'd enjoy the relationship again if he changed these behaviors, then I would let him know. People get all antsy about issuing ultimatums like you're somehow forcing someone to act a certain way, but I prefer saying that you're stating your boundaries. Your partner doesn't have to abide by your requests and you're not intimidating them into staying with you, you're simply expressing that you need certain things to be happy or else you'll need to move on. It's just being upfront and in these instances your partner can't say you never gave them a chance.

No. 167508

I've been left in shock after what felt like sudden break ups before and tbh I've often ruminated over it and thought 'I wish I had a clearcut warning of where his head was at' because I had no idea.

If he's an unreasonable person you run the risk of him getting pissy with you over it but if he's not you're at least being clear and giving him the best chance of addressing the issues. I would be honest.

No. 167523

Honestly, I wouldn't mention it. He shouldn't try to work on the issue because else you leave, he should try it because he wants the both of you to have a nice relationship. If he only takes your discomfort seriously under the threat of a break-up and when he's the one facing consequences for it, I personally would think he doesn't value your feelings all that much.

No. 167568

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The "what are we" conversation.

When to ask? Is it better to not bring it up at all? Let him lead into that and ditch if he doesn't?

No. 167573

If he hasn't brought it up within the first month then he doesn't take you seriously

No. 167605

I went out with a guy for a solid 2 months. We messaged daily, I’d met his parents and I thought we had great chemistry. Then I could tell he was getting distant and I never knew if I should’ve had that conversation or not but he ended up ghosting… now I have a bf who was very clear with his intentions and has never made me question or feel insecure in any way. I think like other anon said, if he doesn’t make his intentions clear within the first month or so, generally you can interpret that to mean he’s not interested in anything serious. Some guys are just dumb tho so that’s always a possibility as well.

No. 167631

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Thanks. It's been about 2 months for us and I've been upset at him lately because I'm feeling unsure about where we are. I don't like not being taken seriously. He seems bothered by this and says I'm "ruining the fun part" and "being angsty". I will meet with him 12 hours from now and we'll see if I have a relationship or not tomorrow. Will update.

No. 167632

>says I'm "ruining the fun part" and "being angsty"
Oh okay, so it's not even a question and he's made it clear that he's a shitbag wasting your time. Throwing in a little condescension for funsies. Hope you dump his ass on the curb in 12 hours.

No. 167644

my bf is 16 years older than me, am i just looking for a father figure?

No. 167656

Do you think you're looking for a father figure? Honestly, I think the better question here is why is this guy dating someone 16 years younger than him?

No. 167657

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I really don’t understand men. Was getting along with someone really well, so I thought, he would message me often sweet things, call me etc. Then the past few days he’s been “busy” which is fine, 1-2 messages a day. I havent double messaged him or pestered him but like yesterday he messaged me good morning etc etc and said he had a “nice dream about me and he might tell me about it later”, I gave him a normal response really - good morning, asked him what it was but then he left me unread and disappeared but was online multiple times throughout the day for long periods of time (yes I checked because I am a crazy woman kek) then he’s been watching my stories too but like? What happened and what do I do? I deleted his number and chat so I can’t double message him or keep checking if he’s online or not but I am going crazy and don’t know if I should have messaged him again or something. Is this normal male behavior or have I just been ghosted? Plz be nice, I’m usually not crazy but things like this cause me to be insecure and tip me over.

No. 167665

Sorry girl you’re definitely not on the forefront of his mind. He might be one of those who just like to flirt with someone, anyone when they don’t have anything else going on. Or worse, he’s playing scrote games, you spiraling is what he wants. You did the right thing by deleting. Don’t let him win by allowing him to be rent free in your head.

No. 167673

thank you anon! I’m glad to be reassured I did the right thing by deleting his number and not double messaging. It’s hard to follow your own advice at times and I’m getting thoughts of “oh maybe I did the wrong thing and didn’t make enough effort”, but I guess if I did do that anyway my thoughts would be “I tried too hard and come across desperate”. Thank you for using the word scrote kek, it reminds me, yes men are fucking scrotes REEEEEEE!

No. 167679

He sounds like a fuckboy who uses you as fap material and for validation tbh. The "I had a nice dream about you" made my fuckboy alarm ring.

No. 167687

Dump his ass

No. 167690

>messaged me good morning etc etc and said he had a “nice dream about me and he might tell me about it later”
He had a sex dream and he's one of those guys that only messages you when he's at least semi-horny. That's my bet on what's happening. If he manages to go a day without thinking about sex much..you won't hear from him.

No. 167696

My last bf was 12 years older than me and whether or not I wanted a father figure (I have a pretty ok dad already) I ended up stuck with this messed up non-equal dynamic. I think it's worth considering that whether you're seeking out that figure or not…a 16 year gap will very often result in an unequal power dynamic down the line anyway.

With my ex I worked equal hours, made equal pay, paid equal parts of the rent and bills and did more around the house… still every disagreement turned into a lecture from my 'second dad'. I was 27 to 30 when we dated and was spoken to like an absolute moron.. Which left me feeling like a child and dented my confidence. You might not get that treatment til you're living together and he's confident that has you secured. Personally I would never let myself get into that situation again. No big age gaps because I question any man going for younger women. I'm 32 now and I know I certainly wouldn't touch someone more than 5 years younger than me..so men doing that have screwed up standards imo. I wish I had thought of it that way sooner.

When you're say 36 are you going to date a 20 year old or is that kind of obscene? If it's obscene for you then it's not okay for him to do either.

No. 167743

Update: he didn't even show up to our meet and left me waiting. My dumb ass sat there for a couple hours hanging on to hope.

No. 167758

jesus… that sucks. i'm sorry. he's a fucking asshole and you don't need any more reason to dump him.

No. 167764

i'm 21 and i think the age gap is WHY i'm in the relationship.

when i was in school i had a ton of teacher fantasies and wanted older men to take advantage of me, which is sick, i know.

i think i'm reliving(?) some unresolved childhood trauma here.

i guess i knew that there was already an issue, i think i just needed somebody to confirm it for me. thanks,

No. 167779

I’m so sorry, anon. When I got ghosted, I held out hope desperately for way too long. I hope this guy does you a favor and leaves you alone so there’s no temptation. I know my dumb ass would’ve taken that dude back if he wanted me to, so I’m happy he stayed away. Saved me more hurt in the long run. (Some) Guys suck.

No. 167885

I just want to know your opinion. If I'm 27, what age range do YOU think is "socially acceptable" for me to look for in a guy? both younger and older. My personal opinion has been 24-37, but what do you think?

No. 167887

25 - 30. Why on earth would you go for a guy 10 years older than you?

No. 167893

25 to 31. It's less about being socially acceptable and more about how the chances of it being an unhealthy relationship increase a lot with age gaps.

Where is a mans head at if he's aiming for someone ten years younger? I want to date someone who is on my level in terms of having experienced life. When a man opts for a partner with significantly less life experience it tells you all you need to know.

No. 167898

When you're, say, 55 years old, and still in pretty good shape, he will be 71. Do you want to take care of his old ass? People into age gaps should really put things into a perspective. I was into older men too, but now at 25 I wouldn't want to date anyone who's more than 5 years older than me.

No. 167967

My bf is 10 years older than me. I’ve always liked older guys, but wanted to keep the age gap at 5-7 years ideally. However, he’s the nicest person I’ve ever gone out with and respects and cherishes me more than anyone ever has. We started dating when I was 25, so it’s not like I was super young and naive or anything.

I just wanted to give my personal experience. I agree with what other anons are saying, so maybe my bf is the exception to the rule, but it’s going to vary from person to person of course. If you meet someone you really like, don’t let an age gap cause you to rule them out, unless it’s clearly a problem in the dynamic.

No. 168341

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after some deep introspection it turns out i was retarded so we broke up. also he was a dumbass climate change denier and now he's throwing an incel woe is me fit about losing me. good riddance.

No. 168342

If we're talking socially acceptable: roughly 5 years and definitely no more than 8. And as a woman dating a man: not younger.

Personally I think up to 3 years older max is ideal.

No. 168344

she can just leave when he gets old enough to require care.

No. 168368

26-29. If the guy is slightly out of that range by two years, then he better be really good but I doubt. Usually younger means dumb and I have to be mommy and with older, they're balding and I'll probably still have to be mommy. Now that I write this out, dating isn't worth shit

No. 168378

My boyfriend and I have a pretty good relationship. He treats me really well. He listens to me, buys me lots of gifts, shows he cares about me, makes the improvements I ask him to make etc. I feel like we grow a lot together. I do more for him than I've done for any other boyfriend.

My love language is words of affirmation though, and he really struggles with this. He doesn't talk much to begin with and finds it hard to put his feelings into words. I miss dating people who I'd wake up to a long text sometimes about the things they love and appreciate about me, but with him it never happens. Regardless though, I love him and know he loves me and so that has never been a dealbreaker.

He recently broke up with me because he said he felt "burnt out" and I let him. About a week later he came back saying he was just falling too hard in love and was scared of commitment so he bounced. We got back together and things were fine for about a month.

Then a couple nights ago out of nowhere he brought up how maybe he doesn't see a future with me anymore, and he was just convincing himself I'm what he wanted. I'm just super confused.

I really love him and don't want to lose him. I don't know if he's just pushing me away because he's scared again or if he really doesn't want to be with me. Should I try to talk things over with him or just let this relationship go?

No. 168380

>>168378 Talk it over. Some men are just pussies and need to be reassured (and that's okay) so it might be that. If you love him and aren't completely hurt, talk things over.

No. 168386

Even if it's just that he's scared, do you really want to be with a man who is afraid to commit to you, so much so that you don't know when he's going to "turn" and leave you once again? I personally would not accept being in a relationship with someone who was so wishy washy about being with me. It's either got to be a "fuck yes" or it's a no. Idk maybe I'm being harsh but just speaking from my own experience dating a guy who was "scared of love," broke up with me once because of it, then came back wanting to try to work things out only to break up with me a second time a few months later.

No. 168406

So this is all very fast, at every stage. Fast on onset, fast to break up on his word, fast to get back together AGAIN at his word, and very fast to break up at his word once AGAIN.

What is he, a defrosting freezer in a fucking telenovela? This sort of hot-cold-hot-cold shit is not normal, natural, or okay. You do not abandon someone who you care about - or love! - this easily.

You're confused because he's playing you around like you're some spinning toy. Everything he says, goes. Oh he wants you, now! Oh, he doesn't want you, suddenly! No, he wants you again, oops! Come on, now, girl.

Boot him to the curb and let him see if he can find his own ass with both hands for once. This is ridiculous. It's not a matter of communicating, honestly, if that was the cure it should have worked out for you guys right after you got together again… but it didn't… because your dingbat windsock boyfriend does not care enough to stick around longer than it takes for him to get his emotional and sexual fix.

No. 168407

Uggh so my bf came home and I guess had some super unpleasant interaction with the police trying to report a drunk driver & was extremely animated and pissed and I responded by being like “yeah cops suck that’s why I don’t call them for anything, that’s ridiculous” and he got upset with that response, not wanting to argue over something insignificant I said “okay that’s fine” when he wanted to drop it & then he got angry with me for saying that because he said I said it like “he was going to turn around & hit me”??! So I got upset because what the hell am I supposed to do if he wants to drop something and I say okay that’s fine & he continues to have an issue with it?? He then gets mad at me for not “dropping it” when I literally tried to earlier but apparently my tone of voice was off. I went outside, came back in, attempted to explain that I didn’t understand how I was supposed to rectify that & he accused me of “blaming” the argument on him in saying that got continuously angrier, yelled at me, and left. Like what the fuck. Is that not how a conversation about a disagreement should work? I say what upset me, you say what upset you, vice versa?? I didn’t place any blame. I’ve been with this dude for 3 fucking years & at times it feels like dealing with an emotional volcano from an alternate dimension. Am I just totally off about how normal interfacing works?

No. 168409

This may seem like a wild one and you probably will think im a dummy.
My boyfriend and I have been together for going 2 years now. He seems to really love me, and has made a lot of sacrifices for me. We live together and spend a lot of time together.

Now when I say sacrifices, I am talking about his literal faggotry before we met. He spent almost a year and a half on vr chat, erping with guys. He had a weird relationship with a guy in hs but tells me today that he felt guilty and 'wrong' and broke with that guy soon after. I've sneaked peaks at his discord before, he's definitely been very promiscuous with trannies and had a folder full of it.
When we first met we were just mates, he was a friend of a guy I was currently dating lmfao.
We went out bar hopping and chatting (legit no sexual shit, it was nice) and at the end of the night we got basically blackout drunk and he kissed a 'guy full of makeup' in the bathrooms. Which he told me he really regrets today.
So anyhow, why am I ranting? Well I want to know if any if you have dealt with something similar. I keep reading about 'dating bi guys' but honestly I dont care about 'love and acceptance and dont be a bigot' type shit.
I just want some real perspective.

In my opinion, and he and I have discussed this before, he was severely lonely and sad for years, alone in his room, and found solace playing gay online with guys. Like jail theory or whatever. (I should mention he has had a girlfriend before and slept with girls)

Is it dangerous dating a man who is fluid in their sexuality? In todays world guys are so addicted to porn Im not surprised they're all becoming bi or whatever.

No. 168415

>So anyhow, why am I ranting? Well I want to know if any if you have dealt with something similar. I keep reading about 'dating bi guys' but honestly I dont care about 'love and acceptance and dont be a bigot' type shit.
>I just want some real perspective.

uh this sounds like some pure "tell me what I want to hear so I don't get uncomfy" bullshit, anon.

if he's bi, he's bi, you need to make peace with your insecurities on that front. don't make his "issues" about kissing guys in drag yours, either. trannies or no trannies, your bf will be attracted to people who are not like you! try to cope.

as to his porn consumption, well. he's a modern guy. it's sadly really typical he'd be into super explicit and messed-up porn, and usually some pretty drastic shit just to get a reaction out of it. it's "normal" for guys who consume porn to get into shit featuring slapping, choking, strangling etc hardcore shit really really fast, and they go on to seek out anything weirder and wilder that makes their peens twinge. it's not necessarily the appeal of the thing itself but the appeal of it being "extra".

No. 168418

Yeah you're right, I realized how I sounded after I wrote it and just cbf editing it to be more concise.
I legit don't care about 'tell me what I want to hear' because I get it, I just want another female perspective on what its like dating a bi guy/guys with heavy porn addictions.

Yeah you're right in the last part. Cheers anon

No. 168431

I think I really needed to hear this, thank you anons. I think it's better for me to just dip out of the relationship at this point, it's really taken a toll on my mental health and looking at the bigger picture of it it doesn't seem like it's healthy or going to work anymore.

No. 168439

anon, I obviously don’t know your bf or your relationship, but this part:
>he got angry with me for saying that because he said I said it like “he was going to turn around & hit me”
made me immediately think, “that’s a guy who’s going to turn around & hit you one day”. it’s really worrying that he thought you were afraid of him, and rather than being concerned about how he was behaving to cause that reaction, he chose to get angry at you in response. please take care of yourself, OK?

No. 168462

Question. Are you an angry drunk? If so, do you unleash on your partner and get mad and argue? Or does your partner act stupid act crazy when drinking?
I swear whenever I drink, even if its 2 glasses, I get fucking mad asf at my bf and all the shit I hold back just bubbles up. Even if its dumb shit.

>inb4 stop drinking

nigga I know, im just bringing up a topic to discuss.

No. 168463

I would honestly completely disregard what that anon said because while it is "normal" for men to consume abusive porn, that doesn't mean its okay.

Does he really have a porn problem/addiction? If so it will not get better and you will have to bear the burden of his problem. Do not put up with men like that

No. 168465

Nah he doesn't really. He did before we met, basically a severe porn addiction from a young age which then progressed to watching gay porn almost daily from morning till night. We're 2 years in and I dont think he watches it at all apart from maybe an occassional fap or something. Im not sure though but thats what I see.

No. 168473

File: 1611413831981.png (15.16 KB, 180x156, Bad_Ending.png)

No. 168487

No. For the most part I'm a pretty goofy/giggly drunk. When my ex was in the love bomb stage and things were "good" and I got drunk, I mostly got extra playful and horny with him. When he was in the abuse stage and I got drunk, I mostly got weepy/frustrated and would confront him about being an asshole to me (to which he would immediately blame me and play the victim). Basically boozing doesn't make you a different person, it just reduces your inhibitions to do things you already want to do, as you imply by mentioning "shit you [normally] hold back." The fact that you're getting mad is a sign that you aren't happy with things but instead of talking about it/addressing it when you're sober you bottle it up, which isn't healthy. If you're that frustrated with your boyfriend then you're not happy with the relationship, and if you're not happy then why are you staying?

No. 168499

My boyfriend always ignores me for like 10-20 minutes at a time while we sext and it annoys me so much. I don’t know if it’s something worth bringing up, but it gets so annoying and I don’t want to watch porn but fuck- can you pay a little undivided attention to me when I’m horny? What should I do? He’s great in literally every other aspect and our IRL sex life is fantastic.

No. 168512

I can't say for sure, but he's probably watching porn in between texting you.

No. 168522

not sure if it belongs in this thread, but it's relationship related, so:
what can I give a bf for his birthday if he doesn't want me to buy anything? don't say bj.
I thought of something crafted maybe, but I find this popular "X reasons I love you" jar a bit too corny… Most of the crafts on Pinterest are very Valentines-centered. Any cute crafts ideas??

No. 168524

make him a very nice three course dinner with wine or homemade cocktails. then watch his favourite show/movie. you could give him a nice full body massage before bed

No. 168525

A map to hang on the wall with the place or coordinates marked on it where you first met

Or bake him something

No. 168561

Well anons, it's finally happened. After nearly a month of being here asking for advice and bitching in the vent thread worried about the love of my life wanting to transition, it happened. He asked me tonight if I would still love him if he transitioned and I feel like I watched the future I've planned for finally slip out of my grasp. I've seen this coming since he started using they/them pronouns.
I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't want to watch him mutilate himself. I don't want to watch him sterilize himself, change his name, pump himself full of drugs, become someone else entirely. But I love him so much the idea of just letting him go hurts beyond belief. I really need some help grounding myself and having any rational thought because all I can do right now is close my eyes and hope it all goes away.

No. 168568

Dump him immediately, I know it's hard but it's the best solution, you don't want to become one of those trans widows. I'm so sorry for you anon, it's really unfair.

No. 168569

Another failed attempt at sex. He seemed very sad and deep in thought afterwards. When prodded he admitted that everytime I've been on top of him has been painful and unenjoyable and he had given up trying to find a way to make it feel good. He was in tears while he was telling me this. Holy shit I want to fucking die. I'm obese, 5'4 192 lbs, used to be 270 lbs. Lost weight so that he'd be more attracted to me. Still trying to lose weight but it's a struggle. I've always avoided getting on top of him but he seemed to want me to, so I tried, the entire time worrying that I'm suffocating him, but he'd assure me everything was okay and I just needed to be more confident… When we met he told me he didn't care about my weight but it seems like all the problems in our relationship stem from it. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him and it's starting to feel more and more like we'd both be better off breaking up. He only faps to thin women, his exes were all thin, he's told me he "likes girls he can lift up", and that he typically would've never dated a fat girl but something about me seemed special… I don't know what to do. I'm trying to lose weight, I've already lost 80 lbs,.. but what if I can't lose anymore? It feels like my entire relationship is in jeopardy because I can't stop eating. & tbh part of me feels angry because from the very beginning he said he didn't care about my weight. Why did he even continue dating me if he knew he wasn't attracted to me?? Is it selfish of me to feel that way?

No. 168570

That's another fear of mine. That if he does get over this and we do continue our lives like normal he's going to wake up one day resenting me and transitioning anyway. I know there's no good solution here other than leaving but it's so hard

No. 168571

>Why did he even continue dating me if he knew he wasn't attracted to me?? Is it selfish of me to feel that way?
Not at all anon, I'm really sorry about this. It's okay if someone prefers not to date people who are overweight but for him to say it's fine, continually reassure you it's fine all throughout the relationship, but then simultaneously show he's only really attracted to thin women in his actions is super shitty and deceptive of him. It would be best if you two broke up for your own well being. You've honestly made amazing progress already and should be proud of that, but you don't need to deal with his issues regarding your body on top of trying to maintain your own positive outlook and progress.

No. 168575

definitely agree with the other anon. the fact that he said he likes "likes girls he can lift up" or whatever to you makes him sound like a total jackass and it takes a lot of work to lose that much weight anon. you ARE good enough and you ARE disciplined. it's fucked up that this guy's making you doubt it. you're not being selfish at all. i don't think you deserve to be with someone like that

No. 168577

I'm so sorry, anon. Yeah, I wouldn't risk it, because unless he completely cuts himself off social media and the gender cult, he's probably gonna be convinced again. He might detransition once the emotional highs stop coming, but that's so uncertain. There's nothing to stop this insane narrative nowadays sadly.

No. 168578

>>168569 I'm sorry such an ass happened to you. Look, not to demean his problems to you because you love him, but it's not that painful for a guy. If he's 130+ he should have no fucking problem with you as you are. Even then, sex has a variety of positions and one not working is just room for another. He shouldn't be that broken up. He decided to date you while knowing you were a bit chubby; men know exactly what sex entails with a big girl. Even then, he has narrow preferences and you lost weight to try. You tried your best to make a guy with set attractions like your body. He's deceptive and a big asshole who's probably saying "I like what you aren't so please change into the perfect woman for me." type of shit.

You don't need to lose weight for an asshole. Just live. If you lose weight, lose it for yourself and not some under-average guy who can't bare having a girl on top. Perhaps you should separate for your own sake.

No. 168584

Im going to be devils advocate and say, tbh, he is a human too. If it hurts, it hurts. My bf and I are normal weight and even he says me on top can hurt him sometimes and we have to adjust ourselves differently.
My bf also has preferences, and maybe its just me, but I like meeting those preferences.
I like knowing a man is telling me how to look good, and then when I achieve this he loves it.
We as woman CONSTANTLY tell guys to do this or not to do this or say this and not to say this. There is nothing wrong in my opinion for a guy to ask you to lose some weight. I actually gained weight recently and my bf legit was honest and said I should lose some and holy shit do I feel better and he always gives me compliments now and its almost like back to a lust period.

You two need to get your communication on point more. Guys have trouble being honest and when they are honest, we get really cut about it because they can be brash. Just tell him in return that you hate being on top too or something. Spice up your life in another way. Its totally okay to be unhappy with things in relationships and to ask for changes.

Good luck

No. 168585

>Perhaps you should separate for your own sake.
I agree with this. I'm not saying you absolutely, 100% should break up with him, but I think it's a choice worth taking into consideration. Taking time "off" a relationship to focus on yourself could be good for your wellbeing and confidence.

No. 168586

Bro im sorry, but get rid of his pansy ass right fucking now. He has mental problems, and men with mental problems are a fucking pain to deal with. Find a normal guy, with normal interests and who is invested in bettering himself for you and has a future in his mind planned out. Get rid of this nigga now.

No. 168591

A man trying to transition IS a sinking hole and he will drag your happiness and future down with it. Not letting him go will risk you getting hurt you in the long run too.

>if I would still love him if he transitioned

This is such a manipulative question with the intent to trap. Anyway I think it's important to remember you can still continue loving him as a person/friend, if that's what you want, while letting the romantic relationship between you two go because you're (rightfully) not attracted and romantically interested in women/trans"women".

No. 168601

>>168569 This reads as scrote-tier, genuinely.

No. 168604

>implying all guys aren't scrotes

Picking our poison at this point.

No. 168606

Your boyfriend sounds pretty mean and harsh, and women telling men to not say stupid rude things is hardly the same as anons boyfriend dating her and then rubbing in the fact he likes girls completely different to her. She’s already lost like 80lbs, clearly she’s trying to fit his standard and it’s still making her feel bad.

No. 168608

nah, I agree with >>168606, this is borderline some pick-me shit. having preferences is totally okay, and so is wanting to look good for your partner, but completely dictating your weight/appearance based on what your boyfriend says is unhealthy and could lead to some toxic shit happening. the first anon’s bf is being manipulative about his “preferences” and causing her serious self esteem issues, that’s not okay

No. 168617

sis, you sound like a pick-me

No. 168620

Wouldn't you agree that
a) she already lost 90 lbs so she already actively tried to please him and his preferences and
b) she was already at her heaviest when they met and started dating so he agreed dating someone her size AND told her he didn't care about her weight when they met? She didn't gain the weight while dating (as far as I can tell from the post anyway)

So that defeats the points your making that it's not wrong for a guy to ask her to lose weight. She already lost a massive amount AND he told her when he met her he didn't care about the weight. I think it's shitty to now come back from that and expect her to lose even more weight.

I also think
>We as woman CONSTANTLY tell guys to do this or not to do this or say this and not to say this.
this isn't true for many women at all. Unless you believe that expecting basic hygiene and manners from the men we're dating is something that deserves compensation, I don't.

No. 168624

other anons have covered the relationship stuff - just wanna give you props on losing 80lb holy shit! you should be able to celebrate that progress right now. you deserve to enjoy the changes you’ve already made, and how much more you can do now than in your heavier body. we’re proud of what you’ve accomplished, anon!

No. 168635

Hey everyone. Just wanted to say thank you for all of your insight, encouragement, and advice. It really has given me something to think about. For the whole 4 years that we've been together I've never told anyone about what I wrote in the op. I guess I thought I was so "in-the-wrong" that it seemed pointless to even bring it up. Honestly I don't want to break up with him, I'm definitely codependent and lacking in self esteem, but this has been something of a straw that broke the camels back incident. There have been many other weight-related issues that I've had with him that I left out for various reasons. It feels nice to know my feelings aren't unreasonable; I never wanted to be an asshole to him but as I result I suppose I've been an asshole to myself. Don't know exactly what I'll do, but again, thank you all very very much for even taking the time to read my post in the first place. Gonna think it all over and try my hardest not to binge. Take care everyone.

No. 168665

you’re so sweet anon. you deserve to be treated amazingly, good luck with whatever you decide to do

No. 168691

Make him jealous. It drives guys crazy. They literally have 2 cogs working in their brain I swear. If you leave no mystery for them they turn into petty bitches. Act a bit sassy, pretend old Chad has been flirting up with you when you go to the store or gym or whatever but make it out like its no big deal. The feeling of losing a girl like that will make him go absolutely nuts for you. Tried and true technique lmfao its so unhealthy but bitch, men can be fucking retarded.
Well done on the weight loss, and good luck on your relationship.

No. 168713

Even if this somehow ended up working she deserves way better than him. She should have a partner who truly appreciates and supports her instead of having to play stupid mind games for the sake of a passive aggressive coomer asshole.

No. 168714

Playing mind games can be really fun though. ANd satisfying

No. 168717


>She should have a partner who truly appreciates and supports her instead of having to play stupid mind games for the sake of a passive aggressive coomer asshole
Really wishing for a fantasy here sis. All guys are retarded about some bullshit or other.

No. 168735

I was trying to talk to my bf today about maybe getting some therapy bc I have a lot of anxiety issues plus trauma from growing up with both my parents being drug addicts. I feel maybe there is something wrong with me, emotionally I feel much younger than I am and have a hard time dealing with day to day stuff like work. I want to see if therapy will help, because my sister said it helped her some so I don’t see why not. When I told my bf this he said “it’s not some magic pill that will fix everything etc.” stuff like that, that made me feel like he thinks I’m stupid. Obviously I got upset and just wish he would be supportive and he got mad saying I was accusing him of “not caring” which I wasn’t but apologized anyways while crying because talking about the topic made me emotional. He was discussing it with me and I accidentally interrupted him and he told me to “shut the fuck up” and that he “won’t be there to help me with my insurance like last time”. I got off the phone feeling a lot worse than when I started. How do I tell my boyfriend that I don’t like when he speaks so meanly to me when I’m just trying to vent/express my feelings. I’m so confused

No. 168739

File: 1611553454916.jpeg (95.66 KB, 1102x707, 0CF8E0FA-49AE-494E-8DE8-A3C836…)

Anon…your bf sounds incredibly mean and shitty. Nothing could be said here that would excuse his behavior or help you fix this.

No. 168741

My sister said I should break up with him too, FUCK…I’ve tried to break up with him before but he somehow manages to convince me to stay. Any advice on how to stay firm?

No. 168747

You tell him you are done with him, and not to contact you again. And nothing more. No ifs, buts, explanations, or any other further communication. "I am done with you and this relationship. Do not try to contact me again."

Then you ice him out. Block his number, block him on socials, ignore him. His shit goes to the trash outside and you move the fuck on. If you can't stay firm with him if you communicate with him, you just leave him no avenue to communicate with you.

Good luck. It's past time to flush a mean, useless little turd like him. He's treating you incredibly badly, and it's not okay.

No. 168748

There is no advice. You just do it when you're truly ready. Its a sad reality but no amount of internet advice will help.

No. 168750

The question to ask here is WHY you want to stay with a useless shithead like this. Are you that scared of being "alone", anon? Is his shrimp dick just that good? Because from what you've told us it's not the warmth of his love and kindness that's making him such a stellar boyfriend… what do you think you're getting from him that outweighs the emotional abuse?

No. 168751

No. 168766

File: 1611571219149.jpg (9.84 KB, 303x166, download.jpg)

>meet guy trough friend on discord
> normie lives in another state
>has feelings for me he agrees to be FWB
> we meet in a town 11 hours away
> perfect date he goes above and beyond to make me happy
> weekend ends
> supposed to meet for party but KI couldnt travel due to covid
>he texts me less and less
>we talk about it
>he says hes going trough something but I can feel him becoming more distant
> discord friend tells me its the same to her
> I talk to him he reassures me
> he now leaves me in read

we only met once IRL but I catched feelings and im supposed to see him in two weeks

Hes apologised for not texting so much and told me hes going trough something should i believe him and still travel to his state?

No. 168768

No. 168770

File: 1611572491201.jpeg (Spoiler Image,211.92 KB, 1000x1065, D62B5E8D-6472-460A-AA22-1B71DB…)

Another thing that seems sus is he stopped texting me thought the day but today an yesterday he texted me at the same time?

This would have been a no brainer had he not let me lift a finger or pay for anything, taking me to a Michelin restaurant paid for the Airbnb the driven me half way home on our first meet up.

He put in so much effort before I’m just confused

No. 168771

Anon, value yourself. Ever hear the phrase, “If he wanted to, he would”? If he wanted to be in contact with you, if he wanted to continue developing the relationship and getting to know you and at least be respectful, he would. But he’s not because you just don’t matter to him outside of being a super convenient booty call who’s willing to travel to another fucking state to meet him. Christ if you’re that desperate for mediocre dick at least pick someone local, it’ll be way less hassle and expense for you. And not that it should need to be said, but just because this idiot doesn’t value you doesn’t mean you have no value, he’s just your run of the mill asshole.

No. 168773

Probably just wants sex and doesn't know how to go about it properly or is losing interest.

No. 168782

File: 1611574054816.jpeg (154.82 KB, 1310x873, 767E95F1-F0C2-44D6-A774-9E1F26…)

I gave him a pass because he’s on exam week at uni and my friend said he’s short with her too.

No. 168783

Anon, there's a pandemic on. Do you really need to travel to another state - especially for a guy who leaves you on read? He's shown you disinterest so far… you really think you should be the one travelling to him when he can't even be bothered to talk to you? Come on now lol

No. 168784

>sharing a guy
big oof. you're gonna get your heart hurt.

No. 168789

Not sharing him with friend she is just his best friend and she’s married
Pandemic was completely eradicated in my country as of last week

No. 168791

Let him come to you instead of going there. If he's interested he'll come, if he's not he won't come and you haven't wasted time and money going to his state on a guy who's not interested.

No. 168794

Asking married women.
How do you know if the right guy is the 'right guy' or if you're just deciding to settle down with the person you're with?

No. 168838

I think you have to have a deep understanding of yourself and your wants/needs in a relationship, because countless women have thought their partner was right for them and been sadly disappointed years later. The biggest question for me is: Does your partner genuinely improve your life and make you feel happy over 90% of the time? If he’s just sort of there, or he makes you happy but it’s only 50/50 with the other half making you feel miserable or odd or just “eh,” then you’re really better off alone. Your partner should drastically improve your life because men live longer when they’re married but women live less under the same conditions. So if you want to be the exception amid those statistics you’d better be damn sure you have a hell of a man who you can genuinely say has never mistreated you, never made you seriously upset by his behavior (and for smaller offenses, has been very open with communication and improving himself), truly appreciates your presence in his life, brings something to the table and treats you like the most precious thing in the world, because otherwise it just isn’t worth it.

No. 168860

File: 1611591952988.jpg (91.28 KB, 450x629, 182892.jpg)

there is a difference between being a misandrist because men have taken advantage of you versus being a misogynist because your ex cheated on you right? I'm willing to bet my boyfriend was attracted to his "slooty" ex because of it, not despite it. I'm willing to bet he never asked her what led her down that path (and I'm willing to bet it has to do with some sort of trauma regarding men) or encouraged her to seek therapy. No, why would he? He benefitted from her being the way she was, probably gave him sex whenever he wanted, tried whatever he wanted, dressed provocatively so he had eye candy 24/7. I'm not trying to strip her of any blame, she shouldn't have deceived him, that's completely on her. But the other half falls on society's shoulders for telling her that her worth is measured by how many men she pleases. I refuse to believe there weren't red flags he overlooked because she was "hot" so some of it also falls on his shoulders. He knew damn well what he was getting into. They were both the same age, there was no power imbalance. Unlike in my case, I don't think I have to say anything else other than I was a literal CHILD.

Sorry for the vent it's just I'm sick and tired of him feeling the need to counter my pointing out the shitty things do with misogyny because he feels salty and takes it as a personal attack. He never points out shitty things women do, just generalizes as a whole, things that include me which is like???????? Am I really supposed to just deal with it because his ex cheated on him? boohoo, poor him is my opinion but I want you anons' takes.

Something tells me he just does it to irritate me because he likes making incendiary comments all the time about absolutely everything and he always says it's ironic so this may be another case of that. Or maybe I'm giving him too much benefit the doubt because he's starting to sound unironically "redpilled"

No. 168863

File: 1611593050807.jpeg (157 KB, 749x732, 1598571097795.jpeg)

You're right. Women hate men because they cheat on, beat on, rape and murder and oppress us since the beginning of history. Men can only hate women for insulting his self-worth (aka his dick) by not fucking them and/or fucking someone else. Are you going to continue dating a misogynist?

No. 168866

my first boyfriend ever broke up with me a few days ago. I feel so depressed I can't even eat.

I felt lucky I discovered someone just like me that lived nearby without having to go through the hell of online dating, even though now I realize he's trash.

How long does it hurt

No. 168868

Took me about 2-3 months to start feeling better after being dumped out of an 8 year relationship. I was the same as you in that I felt sick, cried a lot and couldn't eat, but I gradually felt better each day and realised he wasn't worth my upset. You've got the gift of hindsight now, in that you can see he was trash. Keep looking forward and you will be over it in no time.

No. 168869

It will hurt for a while anon, but it does get better, I promise. The first couple weeks are the worst. Then after a month or two you'll probably realize you aren't as upset about it as you were before. And then, at least for me, it was around 4 months post-breakup that I felt I was pretty much over it. Just stay distracted, talk to your friends, watch mindless TV and Youtube videos. For me it was also really helpful to read through the subreddit r/exnocontact, just to see that other people were going through the same thing I was and I wasn't alone. Just push through and remember there are many things you might never expect that the future will bring to you and one day this will be a far memory.

No. 168871

I keep having to conquer the feeling he was "special"
He had a great bod, was self supporting, knew a lot about useful stuff and wasn't a slob.

But he also left me drunk and alone in a parking lot.

It took me years to find someone I clicked with and I keep worrying it will never happen again.

No. 168874

I think it feels like this most of the times, but once you move on you'll see that even though it's not the easiest there are more people you'll click with, maybe even better than with that guy. And hopefully they won't leave you drunk and alone anywhere.

Distract yourself with some mindless entertainment, cry a lot, don't bottle up anything, you'll be fine in few weeks from now. Fingers crossed!

No. 168876


No. 168881

he was being ironic anon and he isn't resentful towards her at all ;-; and he said he actually doesn't care about me hating men.

No. 168893

ironic hatred of women is definitely a sign of terminal online retardation and genuine problems. you’re really going to continue to date a man who openly shits on women but tries to absolve the consequences of doing so by playing it off as “irony”? cmon, you know it’s not the same as man hating, especially when they do it “ironically”.

No. 168900

This is reminding me of my racist, misogynist ex. I am completely on board with >>168893. Men like this are NOT doing it ironically, they are using “humor” that’s entirely humorless as a thinly veiled excuse to hide their very real hatred of the groups they put down. You have to ask yourself (and them) what the joke really is. The reason most humor works is because we believe that despite some level of absurdity, there’s still a sliver of truth in it. So when he says, “Oh she’s a gold digger, she’s a slut, she’s a bitch… jk jk!” remember that the “joke” is that women are subhuman, and there’s absolutely nothing fucking funny about that. I cannot interact with sarcastic people or anyone with “edgy” humor these days because it’s so childish, demeaning and pathetic. It’s bullying as a substitute for a personality. People like this are cowards with no self worth who only feel good about themselves by putting others down. I later found out my ex had used and abused other women even worse than he did me before we met and looking back it should’ve been the most obvious thing on the planet. But I was young and naive and wanted to believe he really was just being ~ironic~ and not actually a terrible person. The joke was on me, all right. Skip the wasted time, shame and pain if you’re smart, anon. When someone shows you, much less straight up tells you who they are, listen. And ask yourself why you’re accepting this sort of behavior and choosing to make a man who engages in it your boyfriend. Are that afraid of being alone? Are you that desperate for affection regardless of who it comes from? Have you been unable to find some measure of happiness without a partner? I’m not judging you for any of those potential answers, it’s just that many women accept bottom of the barrel scum because we’ve been conditioned to believe we don’t deserve any better. So if that might be you, I advise therapy/self help books/whatever you need to develop some standards because otherwise you’re just going to exist in a world of hurt where bad people take advantage of you.

No. 168910

Well I did tell him I hated men and I don't see anything wrong with it and explained why and how I wasn't going to apologize for it even if he feels bad about it because it's not the same at all, trying to get him to own up and list reasons why women can justifiably be hated on. He didn't….. He just agreed with me that it's indeed not comparable…… I'm not surprised because a lot of the time I've shit on men he agreed with me.

Also tbf he's never exhibited hatred, just, seems to agree with ironic misogyny by making one worded statements, usually while we're watching something, so it makes it difficult to pinpoint what about that whole brief scene we just watched did he find so funny, was it really that or was it something else?
The most recent example and which I suppose was the last straw that broke the camel's back was we were watching this show with puppets, and Trump's puppet says women over 27 are old. And he made it a point to emphasize how funny he found it, saying holy based lol which is pretty cringe imo

Yeah he's never said anything like that, but there are women he considers "sloppy seconds. It seems a lot of the stuff he says is him putting me on a pedestal, since he's my first boyfriend. I obviously don't find it flattering that he needs to put down other women to do this. Hell, I don't even want to be placed on a pedestal. As I'm writing this, now I'm wondering if this is why I'm doubting myself so much and not wanting to leave. hmm…. like because then I'll be "sloppy seconds" too? not that I care, I know it's bs so that can't be it.
I'm happy with myself anon, we're just compatible in a lot of ways. He doesn't even watch porn. We share a lot of the same values and we never really argue. I really think I may be overreacting. I tend to overthink a lot.

No. 168917

>"he's never exhibited hatred"
>laughs at "joke" about women over 27 being old
>calls ex "slooty"
>agrees with "ironic" misogyny
>calls women "sloppy seconds"
>puts down other women so you can feel like an extra special pickme/nlog
Since the nicer responses didn't stick, let me be blunt: You keep saying he's not that bad but literally every fact you share about his actual words and actions contradicts this. The man you are dating is a misogynistic asshole. Period. You are being delusional and making excuses for a misogynist because it's benefiting you and making you feel good about yourself. His behavior is definitely worse, but you defending this piece of shit is disgusting in its own way. Staying with this guy is showing him he can continue holding vile opinions about women and still get to fuck one. Well done.

>I really think I may be overreacting.

You're underreacting. Why do you want to be with a man like this instead of one who actively stands up for women, respects them regardless of how many sexual partners they've had and doesn't laugh over retarded humor confirming his misogynistic beliefs about women having expiration dates and no value beyond their fuckability? If this is your personal "bar" for men then your standards are in the dumpster. Wake up.

>We share a lot of the same values

Glad you agree with him that other women are little more than living fleshlights. You sound like the mother of a rapist frantically hand waving and shrieking, "But he's such a good boy who contributes a lot to the community and loves everyone!" Doesn't matter if he has a handful of good qualities when the rest of him is rotten.

No. 168920

I was about to post the exact same response as >>168917 (damn it anon now I gotta delete kek)
OP you’re snorting cope like it’s crack. He literally acts like a textbook redditor misogynist.
>but he’s nice to me and pretends to agree with my man-hate
Yeah no shit, he’s fucking you for free.

No. 168923

Sorry to steal your thunder anon! I'm glad you still replied for support and also for this million dollar line
>snorting cope like it’s crack
I'm going to steal that one kek

No. 168928

You say you two are compatible but that's only really because you are somehow willing to overlook so much bullshit from this guy that it's unreal. That isn't compatibility. That's being a passive doormat. No wonder he likes being 'your first' Those sloppy seconds women…they might learn something along the way.

You are basically seeing red flags everywhere and just gritting your teeth and going "nah this is fine, I'm fine" It's that meme where the house is on fire and the dog sits there like everything is ok. Every paragraph in your posts adds another alarm bell. Honestly this is a no brainer, I think deep down you know this guy aint shit. You know this man is going to be a regret you look back on someday.

No. 168939

I’m sure you feel very special being his little pick-me, but when the tables turn and you’re the “old” 27 year old, will it still be fun? I know exactly the type of dweeb you’re dating, and they absolutely do hate women. What if you ever have a daughter or older female relative around this weirdo? Will she be able to make sense of his “ironic” misogyny? Think this through. I’m sure you have more in common with these “sloppy second” women rather than him. The fact you “never really argue” with this type of man is concerning and doesn’t signal self respect. Also, men like this usually stop watching porn because it’s makes their dick not work because “they can no longer get hard to 7s” rather than out of genuine concern for others. He’s a cunt and acts like an edgy 15 year-old.

No. 168943

God, you are an absolute buffoon. There are plenty of men who have awful experiences with women who don’t act like an edgy teenager trying to upset the people around them. Just because your boyfriend has “uwu mommy issues” doesn’t mean he gets the free pass to be misogynistic. He always agrees with you because he probably knows he’s wrong, but clearly still makes retarded comments that make you a certain way which is why you complained in the first place. Who cares if you can sometimes change his mind on a few topics when you yourself were the one complaining about his blatant misogyny in your original post. Clearly it bothers you, but you won’t do anything about it or leave. You should have taken this to the vent thread, because you don’t want advice. At this point, you deserve whatever comes to you because people have blatantly spelled out why he is a dickhead and you refuse to acknowledge their points and just blindly defend your retard boyfriend. And you’re thinking of marrying a man like this? Enjoy being a pickme, anon. I sincerely hope you don’t have a daughter to severely mentally fuck up.

No. 168944

Stop wasting other womens time with your dumb shit.

No. 168952

Should I make my boyfriend aware of an ultimatum I have? Basically we're in a long distance relationship and he doesn't have a job and lives at home. He absolutely refuses to live with me even though I have my own place because he wants to be near his family. So eventually he wants to move out so I can come live with him. He's in the process of finding a job now. I however want to go back to school in the fall for a two year program. If I do then I'll be bound to my state for two years obviously and if I am I don't want to do an ldr because it's already tough as is. So my plan is if he doesn't find a job by mid summer then I'm ending things so I can go on to do what I want. Do I need to make him aware? Would it be better to just keep quiet? I fear that if I tell him he may just dip out and I do want to make things work if there is a chance. I honestly don't know if I would want to know if I was him so I'm conflicted.

No. 168953

i think that depends on if you want him to pick up the pace and really be inspired to get a job to keep you around, or if you want him to fail and you get to be free later.. does that make sense? I guess I'm wondering if you're hoping he does one thing over the other

No. 168955

I am really hoping he gets a job. I guess I am a bit worried if I say "you need to have a job by x date or its over." he may just give up on the relationship then and there. Or be so anxious about it that he'll find it hard to maintain our relationship and find a job.

No. 168996

I'm confused. You're going back to school in the fall in your own state, he doesn't want to live in your state because he wants to be near his family. So you're going to be LDR regardless of if he finds a job by midsummer or not right? And you don't want an LDR. So what does it matter if he finds a job or not? I'm probably misunderstanding something.

No. 168998

Your priority should always be yourself. You want to go to school and improve yourself - that's a great thing! If he's content to live with his folks and not even hold down a job, that is NOTHING to compromise your own future over.

Tell him your plans as facts, not as maybes. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to get off his ass. He sounds incredibly selfish by expecting you to drop your own dreams and prospects… for what? Some unemployed schmuck who doesn't even have his own place? Don't let his inertia keep you from building your own life and future, anon.

No. 169022

My boyfriend used to be into PUA shit before we met, like for an entire year before meeting me his goal was to sleep with as many women as possible, I was one of these hook-ups actually, he just stayed with me. Initially I felt that it's fine, he abandoned it now and past is in the past, he's been great to me, very loving and patient, actually never said anything sexist, respects women and all that, you'd never guess that he got into PUA at any point of his life; but somehow even though 2 years has passed I feel like deep inside it really bothers me, I don't know why but just makes me feel deeply upset and insecure.

I guess it's not very smart because he is a good person now and it's now that matters, but how you think you would feel? How to deal with these feelings?

No. 169026

PUA mentality is very predatory, and not just in the obvious way (where women are prey), but it also convinces losers that they need to score a lot of chicks to "level up". It's basically a cult. Your boyfriend might just be one of those losers that had no good male rolemodels or friends and found himself in the arms of their teachings when trying to figure out how to meet women.

You're the one who knows him, so you are the one who can think about whether he's just someone who got overexcited to prove himself to some invisible cult leaders or if he has an inner wish to fuck around and see women in that light. Can he make fun of the PUA mentality, or does he think it's something that's honestly good/acceptable, but he just doesn't need it anymore?

No. 169027

well, when you say he’s a “good person” now and not sexist, that doesn’t mean he’s actually confronted who he was in the past. my guess is you’re feeling upset because you don’t feel the issue is actually “resolved”. have you tried talking to him directly about the PUA phase of his life? how does he think of it now? does he know what drew him to that mindset?

No. 169034

I've overlooked a sketchy sexual past before because I felt like the guy had changed (in retrospect it's pretty naive to think I had such a transformative effect on an already grown man) IME the end of the fuzzy hooneymoon period opened my eyes to how little he had actually changed. We were together 2.5 years when he started acting distant and it turns out he was back doing the dodgy sexual stuff he had abandoned when we met. I have no way of knowing how long he had been going behind my back. Based on that I wouldn't sink a few more years of my time into anyone like that again. I pay more heed when the warning signs are laid out at the beginning of dating someone. I'm not just talking about a history or sleeping around (I've been there too) but a similar predatory or sports like approach to getting women to do the most for him. Taking pride in that retarded gameplaying around sex.

I would personally worry about anyone who can appear so fickle as to prey on women today and settle down 'for the right girl' next week. People don't change overnight like that. I think that nagging feeling you have is more than understandable. I don't know how you fix that or how you ever truly trust someone with a history like his. I don't know that you should trust him.

No. 169036

>PUA mentality is very predatory, and not just in the obvious way
Yeah, thats the thing, wanting to meet people of opposite sex is fine and natural, but going into that (he legit paid $10k for in person PUA course thing) just feels so unnatural I think? And it's not like he was a complete loser before too, he had long term girlfirends and no problem making friends; no idea what pushed im to that. He believes it's not healthy "long term" but helped him "at the time" and I just don't know.

> my guess is you’re feeling upset because you don’t feel the issue is actually “resolved”.
Yeah, I think it's exactly that, but I don't know if it ever can be resolved. We talked a lot and he tried to explain but somehow it's something that is just hard to explain, such a switch in approach to how a person handles relationships with opposite gender… I just don't know. Will try to talk with him more, but right now I feel bad about keeping digging in the past.

Thanks for sharing, I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially since this is exactly what I'm worried about. Like you've said, people don't change overnight, and it's just so odd he'd be able to just "flip the switch". I guess there's no hurt in staying vigilant.

No. 169040

If a man has paid thousands to specifically learn how to manipulate women then how are you ever meant to trust anything he says?

Relationships are trust based and you chose someone that very few women on earth would ever trust. If you want a healthy relationship with this guy then you're basically asking for the impossible.

No. 169042

>He believes it’s not healthy “long term” but helped him “at the time”
DING DING DING there it is ladies… he admits that there’s nothing wrong with the PUA mindset, he just thinks he’s better than the dorks who never move beyond it, aka secure a long-term girlfriend. prove him wrong by breaking up with him. he doesn’t deserve to feel like that was $10k well spent.

No. 169043

sf, just realized that was badly worded, he admitted he THINKS there’s nothing wrong with PUA

No. 169045

File: 1611676590463.gif (785.81 KB, 400x367, 1518197687469.gif)

>he legit paid $10k for in person PUA course thing
OK, that's much worse than I thought when I answered. That's way more involved than reading some books or hanging out on PUA forums. At the very least he's someone that could be convinced by any snakesoil-salesmen as long as they promise to give him easy solutions. Even weirder if he's an actually social guy.

No. 169050

I think he might have been really insecure/low self esteem back then, and thought sleeping with a lot of women would make him feel better? And then, when he got what he wanted he realized it didn't actually help his self esteem. It's the only explanation I can think of at least.

No. 169057

…you've given me serious food for thought here, anons. I've never had any chance to discuss this with any other women but deep inside I always felt any woman would agree with me it feels dangerous. Maybe I was afraid of confronting it.

>he just thinks he’s better than the dorks who never move beyond it, aka secure a long-term girlfriend.
He legit said something like this to me once, and that "he's glad he did it because otherwise he wouldn't meet me". It sounded like a good thing but didnt sit right with me, now I see why.

Honestly as much as the price is insane to me he's rich enough to not be as bothered I suppose, still it's a crazy investment that could be spent better elsewhere. Arguably, I've seen some videos of the "teacher" guy and it wasn't nearly as bad as some other PUA stuff - more focused on confidence than idk, pick up techniques like negging; doesn't change a fact he left this teaching convinced that meeting new women constantly and never continue seeing anyone for longer than a week even if he likes that person is a way to become a better man.

I believe it was self esteem thing but it's weird to me someone would turn to PUA instead going to therapy, really… I don't know.

No. 169082

Good point, you could sure get some therapy with ten grand…if self-improvement was the goal. It obviously wasn't though. It was manipulating women and getting into as many holes as possible before moving on again. There's no way to dress that up and make it more palatable without just deluding yourself on the nature of pua.

My one (I suspect) pua experience was last year. I had a guy approach me at not even 8am when I was walking to work at the beginning of covid, before masks were a thing here. This guy made small talk about the craziness of the virus leaving china or whatever… and when the small talk died out and I wanted to just walk on he followed me asking a list of personal questions (including where I work) I stopped on the spot looking at my phone to let him walk ahead, he didn't. I said bye, he didn't leave. He made out like he was saying goodbye and he wanted a handshake first… I reminded him of the virus we'd just been discussing. He wanted to know what I was doing on my phone, he wanted my phone number and I laughed and said no to repeated requests for it. He used a bunch of lines about 'living a little'

I told him I had a call to make and told him to go away. I waited around for 5 mins to let him fuck off properly. I get to work slightly late because of him..he's at the doorway chatting up a different woman but he quickly leaves her to lean in and whisper to me "oh it's a small world" It was all so contrived! I can only guess that was some PUA tard flirting with women and scouting them out at 8am during the early days of fucking covid when he'd no pubs or clubs to do it at. I have had anxiety walking to work now for 9/10 months every day now. He did not give a fuck that I wanted him gone, he was trying to create this scenario of bumping into me but he gave away that he'd seen me around alot and I wear black every day (work uniform) the creep factor set in more when I realised he'd tried to impress me by listing what clothing I usually wear?? I have no respect for men that put fear into women by trampling boundaries and thinking they are hunting them. 10 months of still feeling anxious walking to work….because some douche liked the look of me in my work pants or some stupid shit that of course comes above my right to not feel harassed and followed to my workplace. I've relived that scene a thousand times in my head because it deeply bothered me. The contrived feeling, the hints that he'd scoped me out. The feeling that he had a script.

Judge a man by how he treats women as a whole, and not just how he treats you. That's a motto I've learnt to stick with.

No. 169085

Uhh this is so creepy, just reading it makes me feel bad. That's the thing, like youve said, the script; you can just tell that person is not actually looking for real connection and conversation but checking out points on the list that will eventually lead him to getting your phone number, like it's a video game quest. So depersonalizing.

I haven't really experienced anything as obvious as you but my country often is a "training ground" for foreign PUA flocks (eastern european but a lot of people speak english), my friend had some experiences and pointed out more than once in the most common transit spots in the city center, waiting for the bus or whatever you'd sometimes see a group of men dressed smart casual coming together, looking around a bit and then disband, to approach some women separately, seems very clear what's happening there.

No. 169110

File: 1611701728214.jpg (64.38 KB, 500x500, artworks-000169213536-lmzcdt-t…)

Small update, we talked, he defended himself by saying he "needed it because he was bad at sex", "needed more confidence in contact with other people" and also "it helped him in every area of life and he wouldn't have a senior position at work without it"; when I asked if he would recommend it to me then, as I also would like to have a promotion and be more successful in contacts with others he said that no, it would definitely mess me up because women are different. Just great. Not to be extreme but men should go fuck themselves sometimes.

No. 169165

sorry anon, I think that's enough to give you your answer, considering he has obvious double standards for men and women.

No. 169241

>I asked if he would recommend it to me then
Based nonny, I love that you turned this around on him to expose his hypocrisy and sexism. I hope you get the hell out now because he's shown his true colors and they aren't pretty. He's got some rotten core beliefs. Virtual hugs to you though because I know it's shitty when you want to believe the best of someone and they really let you down.

No. 169270

File: 1611806950724.png (41.2 KB, 288x288, ugh.png)

My boyfriend is suffocating me which led to me barely messaging/calling him throughout the week.

I'm a coward and I don't want to straight up tell him "Please give me space before I poke a hundred holes in your ballsack." Because I know if I mention anything about needing space he's going to take it as 'I don't love you anymore.' Or he'll keep begging me or try to find some way to keep talking to me. He always has to be in some kind of contact with me. We call almost every night and text every. single. day. I'm starting to get bored of him because we really don't have anything else to talk about because we're always fucking talking. I've gotten so sick of it that I now leave my phone in my drawer and mainly use my laptop just so I can breathe.

I love my boyfriend, but I'm the type who needs space or else my brain will shut down. It's funny because I have zero irl and internet friends so you'd think I'd be the one who's clingy. He has two siblings and irl friends and he somehow always wants to be up my ass.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship.

No. 169271

Please ignore grammatical errors.

No. 169277

I’m pretty similar to you, I also need a lot of space. You should definitely try talking to him, tell him you’re introverted and need space to recharge. If he doesn’t understand, it’s time to move on. My boyfriend is very extroverted but understands how I am. It’s totally possible to find someone who is respectful of your needs. If he’s emotionally crushing you and won’t change at all, you’re just wasting your time.

No. 169303

i need to leave my bf bc he kept stringing me along despite never wanting children, when i first wanted to leave he lied and said he now wants them just for me, and cried and begged for me not to leave, but the entire relationship he puts nearly 0 effort into compared to my efforts. he has multiple disorders and illnesses he refuses to get treated for lying he has no money but then spending it on all his addictions instead that are harmful and childish. it is very hard to leave him because he starts guilt tripping over the slightest withdrawal from me. like i am genuinely afraid he will try to kill himself. but he is horrible to be with, he manipulates, tries to make me jealous, belittles me, envies my job and friends and ignores me on purpose when i am "doing too good", only wants anal or quick boring sex with clothes on despite me being skinny.

i talked with my sister about this and she says she will help me go through it. the other thing is i try not to get nostalgic for the good times with him. for this i tried making myself have a crush on someone else. we are going to talk soon but i am afraid to do it without breaking up with my boyfriend first, and having the other guy think i am a whore, trying to cheat, or i only think of him as a friend. we met when i was already dating the other guy but he liked me. but the break up is going to be long and hard because i have to move away from him and i am still attached. should i talk with the new guy before breaking up with him?

No. 169421

my dumb ass bf suddenly said he doesn't want kids because it'd make him "feel old" (he's 30 and not coping with it well) and my heart sank cause he's the one who made me want kids in the first place. Then 5 minutes later he said how good he is with kids and I derided him for sending me mixed signals but fucking hell. This manchild is sending me I s2g.

No. 169430

Okay, so getting out of an abusive relationship is literally akin to breaking an addiction. He’s created all these shitty trauma bonds that are clinging to you like strings of wet shit and you’ve got to get away from him so they loosen their hold and you can get back in a sane state of mind. It’s not your fault; you have been conditioned by a bad person to feel you need him, but I promise you don’t. You’re doing the right thing by talking to your sister. Are there other friends or family members you can tell? Tell as many people as possible all the things you’ve noted here and that you’re going to be staying at your sister’s to get away from him so you will be ashamed if you don’t go through with this or try to go back to him. You’ve basically got to trick yourself into it if necessary while your emotions are out of whack.

Do not tell your boyfriend what you’re planning, you prepare all your necessities/most valued items while he’s out then leave while he’s out. You then send him a text as you’re leaving saying it’s over and you will let him know when you’ll be back to get the rest of your possessions with family/friends/movers then BLOCK him so he cannot speak to you in the meantime. Do not speak to him alone, do not see him one on one after you’re out, only when a trusted individual is present. You need time and space away from him to settle back into normalcy. I do not recommend speaking with this other man or trying to initiate a fling because the last thing you need in your life right now is yet another romantic attachment. Focus on getting yourself safely away from this scrote and nothing else.

No. 169469

Just venting. I’m a fucking mess and I should just get my shit together

I’m in a situation where my long-term relationship has just ended and it’s a messy situation. My mental health has deteriorated and I’m very unstable.
I have unfinished things to solve and I should be alone and focus to myself.

And I’m stupid so I downloaded tinder because of course I’m not going to find anything real there pffft

And then I did find a nice girl who is 100% my type and she just shared a article why 4th wave feminism is ruined
I’m ruined

No. 169473

I mean…current wave is horrible for sure.

No. 169595

There is more good signs and I seriously thought that it’s impossible to find women from tinder.
I mean women who are not poly or trans or into gender binary whatever shit

I used tinder for a week
What is this…..

No. 169708

Is it too weird to ask why he hasn't texted me back in 24+ hours if it's a fresh relationship? Don't wanna seem clingy

No. 169750

Let him text YOU back and show that he cares. It's his turn and responsibility to text back, which literally takes 2 seconds. Unless hes dying or hes the hardest working man in the world he has no reasom to not text you back besides that he's not interested.

No. 169757

Guys do this on purpose to keep you interested anyways. It's a pretty common dating-strategy tier thing that anyone is capable of doing. Delay your reply to not look desperate or clingy. It's kind of shitty since I'm of the opinion that you should just talk to someone you like as much as you want to, but some people swear by it and it's here to stay in this modern era of dating (e-dating?)

No. 169760

File: 1612151284462.png (2.42 MB, 1920x1181, 1611974627434.png)

>be me
>avoid dating for years because most men are trash anyway
>hit it off with a guy i meet in an online chatroom
>he ends up living close enough to me for this to work
>he's very smart, has a good job, a top tier body, has a backbone is into a lot of the niche interests i am into
>ends up being completely insane

m-maybe being a cat lady isn't so bad

No. 169762

Yikes anon, hope you're doing ok. In what way was he insane kek.

No. 169768

What did he do?

No. 169789

I don’t know which thread to put this in. I have a crush on an internet friend that I video chat with. We both like eachother and flirt a lot, but I lose confidence everytime I talk to him over video because I feel like I look so ugly on camera. He says this isn’t the case but it’s so distracting that I avoid talking to him because of it. How do I look better on FaceTime camera? Because of timezones, I always chat with him before bed when I’m not dressed up or wearing makeup. What are some easy ways to look done up without actually being done up?

No. 169792

Light is the answer to all your problems. Experiment with light setup with whatever you have available, try taking your laptop to a different spot of the room, try placing desk lamp differently, it will most definitely help. Also what I'd advice additionally, don't look at yourself. From what I know it's impossible to completely turn off the view from your own camera in FaceTime but maybe you can make it so small you wont see it almost at all? Or consider a different software, I know on google meet you can not see yourself, it helps with getting worries about your own presentation out of your head and focusing on the other person.

No. 169803

Seconding this, you can get a tiny ring light that clips on your phone for like $10.

No. 169847

Was he driving his own car? If he was and if he's paying the bill for it then I don't see how he put you or your parents out much by making that judgement.

No. 169856

Technically not a currently ongoing relationship but is it pathetic to still reflect on a 2 and a half year relationship that ended almost a year and a half ago? I feel like I should have finished thinking about it but I still get realizations of what really happened back then. I don't think about my ex ever unless I remember something. Then when I remember I'm usually horrified like "how could I forget that". But right now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting about one memory in particular.

I had huge trust issues with my ex. At the time he made me feel like I was crazy but looking back the relationship on his end was so toxic that I think his actions were somewhat responsible and that he definitely caused my suspicions. For instance, he called himself a pathological liar, lied about random things, contacted his ex a few times behind my back to be friends, then let me look stupid by lashing out at his close friends for inviting her to some event when he was the one who talked to her. He also never communicated with me but would unleash really shocking bombs of information on me that made me feel insecure and wary of what he was thinking of me even during the happy moments. Like if he was resenting me secretly and then would recount all of these specific things I did in our next fight.
The memory I have right now in particular is when I went through his phone and found some old facebook message from 2-3 years earlier from when he was a senior in high school. It was him and another student, who asked if he had pictures of a certain teacher, to which my ex sent him an upskirt shot of the female teacher. I had previously heard a story from him that someone got in trouble for taking upskirts of female teachers at his high school but I never thought he would have had one or sent one. When he told that story he sounded like he knew it was bad but he wasn't super horrified nor did he condemn the actions of the guy, he was moreso dispassionate/detached. So I was fucking horrified seeing it on his phone, sent from him to another guy, and freaked out. I got so upset and asked, "You did this? Why is this still here?" which was stupid of me, because in hindsight like all the other red flag moments, I should have just left, but of course I didn't. He got really defensive and feigned some empathy like "I didn't take the picture but I sent it…and yeah I shouldn't have done that" and then followed it with, "BUT you shouldn't have been going through my phone!!!! What is wrong with you? You're fucking insane."
I have different feelings about snooping now–like if you feel the need to snoop then you need to reexamine why you feel that way, more than often there is a reason. You're not crazy for having a suspicion but there's like a 90% chance that leaving would be better than digging yourself in further with this unhealthy relationship by snooping (10% is for divorce/custody where you need proof for court). Back then I was dumb, but now that I think about it, would it have made sense to have broken up with him for circulating an upskirt picture even if it was in his senior year of high school? I guess his response is probably more of an indicator of how he feels about women but then again he was more angry at me than apologetic or empathetic about that picture in his older messages.
For a long time I blamed myself for all of our relationship's problems and saw myself as some probable BPD psycho who was crazy. But it feels like as I've grown in the time I've been single that I've been remembering things that disprove that and subsequently thinking about the relationship again to process what actually happened as opposed to how I perceived it at the time. Do any anons relate to this?

No. 169866

Have to disagree with the other anon. Especially if you're planning to move in together soon, his choices can and will affect you down the line. It's not just going to be his money and time being wasted, but yours. There's no harm in having a conversation about this. An apology is two parts, acknowledging what you did and then explaining how you won't repeat the same mistake(s) in the future. Maybe you two can discuss how you'll make choices about things like this so that both people and the facts are strongly considered before putting either of you at risk.

No. 169887

>said it was an ego thing because he thought his job would respect him more if he went to work anyways in the snowstorm (he's also new, started this month).
Tbh I’ve worked at jobs before where calling out is basically unacceptable unless you’re dying. Some jobs in foodservice are so ridiculously rigid and will absolutely give you shit for calling out even when you’re sick or there is bad weather because they don’t want to be short staffed.

If it was really just an ego thing though, you’re totally right to be irritated. I would think he feels stupid and learned his lesson. Good luck with the conversation!

No. 169893

I'm going to push back on this a little bit, because it does sound to me like you're upset at something more/other than what you say.

He came to visit, and had to work to keep his new job. He was on his phone, but apologised and tried to correct that when he noticed you were bothered by it. You say he has been kind and helpful to you, patient with you, and even made reservations for you to your favourite place.

You call his behaviour "extreme lapse of judgement", anon - do you hear yourself? Is this your autistic oversensitivity talking? Because nothing here is "extreme". This sounds like someone who's been nothing but kind to you, but yes, human, and who's trying his very best for you.

You say this is "making you question everything". Now THAT is extreme - are you sure you're not bothered by something else? Your relationship sounds amazing, and your partner sounds exceptional. Just take a moment and walk it back, think it through - why are you suddenly "questioning" your whole relationship because your partner, uh, let's see, has to earn a living? Has to commit to a job? Looks at his phone occasionally? That's 99% of the Western population, anon, and it sounds like he's on his very best behaviour for you all the damn time - and he's made every effort for you!

By all means raise these issues "assertively" with him, but realise that you sound really entitled and self-centered.

No. 169905

Can you give a few more details to help us see your general dynamic. From one autitsic woman to another…are you working yourself? Do you run and fully care for your own car? Are you living with your parents full time or just staying there because of covid? Do you drive out to visit him and how would he or his family react if your car broke down mid-visit. Would his parents even comment. In other words are you bringing just as much responsibility to the table or are you holding him to a standard that you don't match?

You said that being autistic makes it hard to judge these things and I empathise with that statement alot. I spent all of my twenties dating men who were doing better than me in life and I slipped into that trap of expecting almost perfection (in hindsight I unconsciously put them in a replacement-parent role because living with the tism is hard) But people mess up, getting your car stuck in a storm because you judged it wrong is the definition of a normal human fuckup. Few men will apologise to your whole family and buy you a dinner because his own car broke down. If he was the sole person in the car I don't get how your parents are upset with him. You being upset might be asd related but your parents also being upset is the weirdest part here. You're both in your twenties, his car broke down going to work. Usually no biggie.

I'd be cautious about discussing marriage at this point too. You're in your early twenties, only dating one year, haven't lived together yet, you admit to the communication difficulties that come from asd. And (if) you're going straight from living with parents to living with him you're at risk of doing that same thing and having him fall into a parent role or having him high up on the breadwinner pedestal which doesn't help motivate an autistic person to be self-sufficient. It sounds like your parents might be babying you and overprotecting you currently and there's hints that he's being held to an unfair standard tbh. I don't mean for any of that to offend you but as an old autist I'm able to look back and see how I matured at a slow rate because I didn't meet the same standards I expected from partners. I was good at freaking out over their fuck ups..but what did I provide? And that will eventually chase away even the most patient man.

No. 169907

>You call his behaviour "extreme lapse of judgement", anon - do you hear yourself?
Agreeing with this. If you yourself have a lifelong condition that affects the way you think and how you process things..it's pretty hypocritical to then blast him over a lets be real..small lapse in judgement that he is already paying for.

If this is the man you want to have support you through all the difficulties of living with autism.. don't be so insanely harsh on him for also being human and making mistakes with no malice involved. If this is the level of self awareness you're working with and if he's saying sorry all the time and he's expected to buy you dinner for every small mistake, and that's still not enough to satisfy you…I don't see how you can be anyones live-in partner. It appears you can't deal with the daily reality of being a couple and making everyday mistakes. You sound totally out of touch.

No. 169925

Agreed. OP seems to want a servant or a nanny, not a partner? A grown adult human who you are in a relationship cannot and should not be dancing attendance on you 24/7/365. They're being very, very accommodating, and you're complaining over them working, or looking at their phone, like it's the height of neglect. They made the trip to see you and your family (a serious investment of time, money and energy), and had to go to work… which they've just started… during a global pandemic that's seen millions and millions of people laid off and made destitute from losing their jobs. Have a little perspective, maybe?

These "mistakes" (and I would not call these mistakes) are something you seem hell-bent on blaming him for, OP - like it's a slight on YOU that he's committed, and you're acting like it's some extremely disrespectful lesssè-majesté bullshit. To me he sounds like he's bending over backwards to accommodate you and keep you happy… and you're not satisfied. Like >>169907 said, I don't think you sound like ready to be in a relationship with someone, let alone live with them and share their daily life! Other people have fully-realised lives of their own, OP, and they're entitled to live them too… they're not just NPCs that are there for your convenience only.

No. 169927

nope nope NOPE upskirts are super fucked up, I'm really glad you're out of that. imagine sneaking around taking pictures of someone's privates then brushing it off, even if it wasn't you but you kept them? millions of red flags. there's a reason why there's a shutter sound function in phones in japan, cause it's so prevelant with perverts. not to fuck with your head but how do you know he didn't take any of you naked/sleeping/showering? men are straight up degenerates sometimes.
it's not your fault regardless of whatever mental issues you think you have, your gut told you to leave and it saved you in the end.
I just got out of a 3 year relationship where the one time I downloaded tinder I found him on there, the one time I checked his phone he was balls deep in backpage or equivalent looking for tranny hookers. he was SO SHOCKED when I dumped him because he never thought he'd get caught.
you can do so, so much better cutie. you did nothing wrong besides having your self preservation kick in. I'm so glad you're out of that shit and so so proud of and for you. don't second guess this one, he was a waste of time. pity the woman he gets with next.
to reiterate, upskirts are foul and inexcuseable. hoping you're safe and looking after yourself. you'll find what you need later, meantime take some time for yourself to work through this. you are blameless, don't let your empathy make you second guess yourself. you did the right thing. you got this.

No. 169941

I believe it is my oversensitivity talking, and also my mother getting in my head. They hold everyone I interact with to an extremely high standard and it warps my ability to see things objectively, hence me posting here. After sleeping on it I agree that my feelings in the moment were entitled and self-centered, and giving myself the night to calm down, I feel like a real idiot getting so worked up about it.
I have a part time job and am in my last semester of undergrad living with my parents. I have my own car that I drive that I'm responsible for (parents pay off the car, I pay insurance). My parents are extremely overprotective, overbearing, mentally ill, and judgemental and a lot of me getting upset about this situation was due to my mother being upset and crying about it. When I spoke to him and he apologized to me I didn't directly bring up my feelings of irritation, he more-so apologized for worrying me and putting himself in danger. I understand after giving myself time to think more critically and analyze my own feelings that I was being unfair and I need to push back on my parents holding him to an unfair standard as well.
I feel a lot more self aware and embarrassed after giving myself more time to reflect and reading feedback here. Just wanted to add I don't "expect" him to buy me dinner, he just offered, and we haven't been on a "date" that isn't a night in for a while. I agree I have a lot of growth to do to be a good partner, and my parents are definitely holding me back from doing that. Even though your advice was a tad harsh it was what I needed to hear and I thank you for that. Same goes for >>169925. I need to stop letting my mom get in my head and make me feel like minor mistakes like these that don't even matter are even remotely a big deal and get over myself. Thank you everyone for the feedback/advice/criticism. I'm going to apologize to him for getting so upset for literally no reason and continue to reflect and apply this advice to make myself a better person/better relationship partner.

No. 169942

I really feel for the awkward position that your bf is in right now. You're living at home, parents paying partly for your expenses like your car so and then you're autistic too so you're being coddled and protected to a point where your own view of what you have to offer him versus what he needs to offer you is so scewed. The issue is that your parents sound like the type that will always think very highly of you and not of others… you have to somehow seperate yourself from their useless input and their influence if it means you are treating partners this poorly. This current dynamic is a perfect recipe for chasing men away.

If you visited him and had to have your car towed you wouldn't want to be left begging for forgiveness from his parents would you? You shouldn't have to buy dinner to make up for normal life happening. It's concerning that you're not even living like an adult currently (so much input and influence from your parents is not the norm at your age) and yet you were talking about marriage and kids a couple posts ago.

I think you ought to aim for independance before you plan to live with any partner. Aim to live alone and cover all your own bills without your parents help. Let them take a step back from coddling you and grow on your own for a couple years. Put that distance between yourself and them by flying on your own. Then you might have a better perspective on what to expect within a relationship. Your boundaries are all over the place. Your parents are being overbearing with you and in turn you are being overbearingly harsh on him. There's no overnight fix for where you're at.

No. 169947

You do not have "your own car". You pay insurance on a vehicle your parents own and fund. Start being honest with yourself, please.

It's good that you've snapped out of it, OP, but it's past time to start living like an actual fucking adult. You sound infantile, emotionally immature (par for the course with autism, you can't help it, we know), and very enmeshed with your parents… get your own place, be 100% responsible for your own finances and affairs, and start establishing a sense of your own identity. >>169942 is correct - you're supposedly mature enough for an undergrad degree, but you live like an actual child, and have a child's understanding of the world, interpersonal dynamics and romantic relationships.

I hope you do apologise to your BF, and do it thoroughly. Show him that you actually get why you were completely unreasonable, and that you realise you've been acting entitled. You literally expected him to apologise to you for living a normal adult life, and then blamed that on your mommy. Time to take a little responsibility for yourself, now.

No. 169949

Thank you anon, I really appreciate it and I'm so sorry for what you went through. I hope your ex didn't give you any STIs.
I know it's dumb because I'm literally only 22 and this was my only relationship but I am so wary of men and dating after thinking about how my ex who agreed with radfem ideas and didn't watch porn during our relationship actually turned out to have sent an upskirt picture ~2 years prior to when I found it. It's pathetic to even still think about him when he's moved on but I find myself randomly having realizations. For instance, how he wasn't just a victim of me being crazy and overreacting. I actually thought I was crazy the entire time but became convinced that no one would ever love me aside from him.
Maybe you can relate but truthfully I can't trust men or my own judgement anymore. I avoid them altogether whenever possible. I don't want to get involved to be manipulated and lose myself or my rationality ever again. I know it's dumb but I would have legitimately died for him at one point, partially because I was depressed as hell and didn't think much of my own life, but also because I over valued and idealized him so much. The sad part is that when he's around others he's a total 'soyboy' type who is very passive; I even once said on impulse to him that I felt like he treated me like shit in comparison to everyone else and that I wish he would value me the same.

No. 170004

He told me I had "too much pride" and wanted to fuck me in the ass and then the pussy without washing his dick because it would "kill the mood"

No. 170008

I feel like I find really good guys and then use them up and manipulate them until they leave and are ruined for everyone else. Am I psychopath?

No. 170026

They're probably not good guys. The vast majority of scrotes are degenerate and just have varying degrees of how good they are at hiding it. Also, if a man was truly a good person then he would possess the logic needed to understand a single encounter with an abusive woman was not representative of an entire 50% of the population, and the half that is far less violent than the other at that. He would not then take it out on other innocent women in some sort of insane, misguided revenge quest - that is someone who is already fucked up with internalized misogyny and just looking for an excuse. Psychopathic or not, I have no empathy for men so I say go on wit yo bad self.

No. 170028

Psychopathy is lack of fear and remorse, if you never had those feelings then you're a psychopath

No. 170047

Anons I started typing out all the issues I have with my gf but it was turning out to be way too long of a post. This made me realize that I probably I should break up with her.. but god, she lent me 600 euros and I have no job. I can't believe money is keeping me from breaking up. I feel like a shit person.

No. 170052

Dude just break up with her and tell her you'll pay her back asap. What do you think she will due, sue you for 600 euros?

What the anons said about the light is true. Also, angles. Put your computer/camera at a higher angle and point it downards towards your face, it'll make you look slimmer.

It was doomed from the start. If he was really that hot, with a good job, amazing body etc, he wouldn't need to troll chatrooms to find a gf.

No. 170057

>manipulate them until they leave and are ruined for everyone
Maybe you are a shit partner but that line right there is you giving yourself way too much credit lol

I mean women who are beaten and raped might voice feelings that they 'are ruined' by those experiences but short of that level of abuse..you're being dramatic here. I'm only two years out of an abusive relationship. I'm not 100 percent but I'm certainly not ruined. There's a bit leap between being hurt/upset by someones shittiness and being 'ruined for everyone else' People move on and date again and they forget about you.

No. 170067

What level of jealousy over your partner’s romantic past is too much? I hate seeing pictures of him with his exes online or that he has pictures of them on his phone. Obviously he had a life before me but it feels awful to think about.

No. 170071

I struggled with this in my first serious relationship. I ideally wanted to be the first (and the last) woman he ever felt anything for, which isn't realistic. Reminders of his exes really cut into me and I worried that he must be comparing us. I think it's a common struggle in first relationships in particular.

By my next relationship I was divorced and dating another divorced person. He shared a son with his ex and we saw her every weekend when we collected him. The son often talked about the mom and memories of all 3 of them together and it didn't even phase me. I think most grow out of it.

What's your dating experience? Is this your first or is it a repeating pattern?

No. 170074

what sort of photos? if they're holiday snaps or whatever that's fine, but if they're just couple pictures that's weird

No. 170138

A few couple photos of vacations they were on.
He’s also staying in touch with one of his exes. He says that he doesn’t have any feelings for her at all, on the other hand I know that she still is obsessed with him.

It can also be something as minor as noticing his comments or likes on an ex’s picture. I hate noticing it and I hate myself for intentionally looking it up.

No. 170152

Not what you initially asked for, I know, but keeping contact with exes if you're not forced to do so (work, children etc) is always suspicious imo

No. 170154

How do you know she's obsessed with him? If you have some legitimate reason to worry about this, you should bring it up, your boyfriend should understand your worry and make a choice. But if they're just staying in touch and liking photos it's nothing really.

No. 170367

Not an issue but what are you guys doing for valentine's day? I know my boyfriend bought me some really expensive jewelry and I have no idea what to get him, esp since I don't make much.

No. 170392

I ain't doing shit this year except maybe buying myself a slice of pie, but when I had a bf I'd usually make him dinner, get him flowers (guys don't usually get them but in the end everyone likes flowers), write a thoughtful card and/or do something sexy. I don't mean the literal act alone, it's sensual and low cost to get some massage oil and help him relax, take a bubble bath together (if you have space), dance together, have a dedicated make out session, maybe do a little strip tease or roleplay. Hopefully your partner deserves it and does something nice for you in turn.

No. 170393

Going to sauna and watching shitty romcoms with my mom.

No. 170401

my boyfriend is cooking me a full blown 3 course meal and I am embroidering him an apron to say kiss the cook kek. also bought some cute lingerie but am pretty sure my period will ruin that lol. overall very excited though, my 1st non-single valentines day!

No. 170403

out of curiosity how long have you guys been together officially?

No. 170426

Polish the pearl to hentai of my husbando

No. 170449

since July so 6 months I guess? wanted to clarify he's quite ok with period sex, its just that my iud gives rly bad cramps lol

No. 170606

I really need some advice. Sorry in advance for such a long post.

I've been with my partner for 6+ years and we live together. He's a NEET without an income who formerly lived with his mother, has a long history of mental illness, and has abused me physically and mentally in the past to extents that I have trauma from it and I still can't let it go. For the last two years or so his abusive outbursts have been kept to a minimum, he's also started seeing a therapist and is currently in anger management therapy. I have struggled with mental illness as well for a long time but have put a lot of work in, managed to get and hold a job, and my salary is our sole income. I pay for everything. I also do all the housework. I work long shifts and come home and he's just gotten out of bed or is laying on the couch complaining about a migraine. We have pets that I take care of as well and they add to the house becoming dirty a lot quicker than if it were just us. He constantly talks about getting more pets however, and when I say I don't want any more or bring up that if we're gonna have more, he'll have to start walking them, cleaning up after them and vacuum daily. It's not like he hasn't got the time. That would bring on angry, anxious, tearful outbursts with claims of how pets are the only source of happiness in his life and how I'm being cruel for demanding he be "a housemaid slave". Yet he barely takes the time for the pets we do have and always complains about feeling sick and needing to be left alone. I've stopped trying to talk with him about this because it never leads anywhere, I just let him lay on the couch all day and watch anime and browse cat breeds and dog training techniques on his phone, because my nights are infinitely calmer that way.

I resent him. I don't expect him to ever be there for me, because he never is. Whenever shit has been really bad with me, he has turned that into his own personal panic attack and I have been left to care for myself and try to calm him down. I have been blamed for not tending to his needs when I have had broken bones and told I needed to rest. I go to work sleep deprived and don't complain, yet he sleeps 10+ hours every day and whines about being tired. I do the dishes and come home to a kitchen covered in dirty dishes because he decided he had energy to make himself a luxury breakfast. I find clean pots and pans put on the floor with dog hair all over them because he was too lazy to put them in the cupboard. He gets angry at me for vacuuming because "he was gonna do that" and when I say he hasn't vacuumed for a week and there are literal hair balls forming in the corners, he puts his headphones on and sulks because I'm apparently picking at his insecurities.

I am not attracted to him any more, either. I noticed that the last time we were gonna have sex. We rarely ever do because he touches me in ways I dislike and when I tell him I don't like it he takes it personally and breaks off sex immediately and starts crying. I also have a reaction of involuntarily tensing up and becoming silent when he touches my body, which is probably due to things he used to do to me physically before, when he was abusive. I can't get over it. Well, a few weeks ago we were gonna have sex but I got turned off by how smelly he was (he almost never showers anymore) and made up an excuse to stop. I lay in bed thinking what could have been if he had cared for his hygiene when I realized I felt about equal levels of disgust at the thought of him clean. I've since been sneaking glances at him when he's shirtless and realized that I feel nothing. I just see a balding, doughy, fat man and the sight itself is enough of a turn off. I don't feel anything when we kiss anymore and I don't feel a desire to spend time with him or do couple things like I did before. Valentine's is coming up and it used to be my favorite holiday but it feels so empty this year.

I guess I've already given myself the answers, but I still don't know what to do. I remember how he was when we met. I know that enough water has passed under the bridges for that never to return again, but in my mind I keep thinking that he might change. Therapy might help him. He might find better meds. He might start working out and change his sleep schedule for good. He might find the energy to help out at home, or get a job. I might heal from the past and like being touched by him again. I might start trusting him again. I might fall back in love with him again. I've read countless of column stories where those things actually did happen, couples rekindling their relationships and never giving up on each other.

And I'm scared, because I remember what I was before I met him. Like I mentioned, I too have my share of mental illness that I struggle with. I fight for myself by fighting for others. I'm terrified of leaving him and my life returning to the empty lonely slump it was. I lost all the friends I had when I met him. I have managed to gain and keep a new friend since, and that's online. He doesn't know about that friend, and I feel that if he ever found out he'd act the same as usual: ridicule the friendship, say I'm naive for investing emotionally in someone who obviously doesn't care about me for real, and then proceed to trash talk the person for flaws he imagines in them.
I keep thinking I am still in an empty lonely slump even with him by my side. When I think about all of this, or write it out here, it all seems so awful. Then I look around our home and think "but this isn't so bad after all. And I love him." But do I? I have nothing good to say about him but my brain says I love him and our life is good even though I've been crying out of exhaustion because he never helps out and never cares. I keep thinking it's because he abused me and I haven't healed yet, just like my body flinches on its' own when he touches me sexually. Can this change? How can I fix it? I just want us to be happy. I don't feel like I am even capable of leaving, and I don't even have a legitimate reason to do so, I'm just throwing it away and he's trying. It's like holding two realities in my head, and one is killing me but the other says it's just fake and everything is fine. Am I overreacting? Is it because he used to abuse me? What should I do?

No. 170609

You’ve already given yourself the answer here. He’s the one keeping you lonely and isolated, he adds literally nothing positive to your life while actively detracting from it, you have absolutely nothing to lose by kicking him to the curb. You’ll probably have an easier time making friends when your life is being wasted on babying this abusive piece of shit. I believe in you, you just gotta get it over with.

No. 170610

>have bf since a few months back
>as far as I knew he had broken up with his ex nearly a month before we started dating
>find out that they were together a fair bit longer than that, he had talked to his friends about how much he loved her WHILE we were dating and considered her his girlfriend even after he had kissed me
What do I do? Do I confront him?

No. 170611


What the fuck? Dump him please. This isn’t even a question…

No. 170612

It doesn't feel right. I love him very much and don't think I'll ever meet someone like him.

I just wish he'd be honest with me. Even if he doesn't like the truth it's better to hear it from him than to find out by accident.

No. 170613

is this your first relationship? do you think you're incapable or unworthy of finding a normal guy? don't be a doormat

No. 170614

would you have started dating him if you knew he still had a girlfriend?

No. 170615

Yes. I suppose another relationship is very possible, but I've never in my life connected to someone like this.
I suppose I would have, though I would've wanted him to break up with her completely before we did anything real.

It hurts to see him write about his girlfriend (who I thought was his ex) in a group chat the very same day we were planning a date in our DMs.

No. 170616

I've been on the other side of this. My ex left me for someone else and months later I saw her fb page where she'd announced them as a couple 2 months prior to us breaking up. Pretty sure she was either in the dark about me existing or she was told we broke up much sooner. We had a very active sex life in those two overlapping months… so I feel equally bad for her when I think back to that. He fucked us both over.

You can't trust him now. He's proven himself to be a liar and a cheat, you can try and forgive him but in the back of your head you'll fear him repeating the same pattern. Which is a valid fear given his track record! He's a write off. Confrontation might make you feel better or might be a waste of your energy. Staying with him though..that'd be plain stupid.

No. 170626

1. Your relationship-experience is near non-existent so you can't speak about thinking not being able to find another guy like him
2. He lied to your face and is a cheater so it's probably for the best if you'll never find a guy like him again.
3. It's been just a few months. Are you really sure you truly "love him very much"? Don't deceive yourself into thinking you love him if you're deep down just scared of not being able to find another connection again.

No. 170628

>He lied to your face
More along the lines of not telling me the entire truth though.

In the best case scenario they broke up, he tells me about it, but then realizes he wasn't ready to break up (and doesn't feel I need to know about it) so they get together again only to break up for real a few weeks later, and soon thereafter he started dating me.

Sure, I would've wanted him to tell me about it but on the other hand I understand that he doesn't want me to know everything about his past partners.

No. 170631

You said
>as far as I knew he had broken up with his ex nearly a month before we started dating
How would you've known that if not him saying that to you? If he told you he brok up with her nearly a month before you started dating and that wasn't the truth or your 'best case scenario' happened, he lied to you.

But even if he did not teeeeechnically lie to you face there's still this
> considered her his girlfriend even after he had kissed me
Meaning he cheated on her with you so you're still dating a cheater no matter how you're looking at it.

> I understand that he doesn't want me to know everything about his past partners.

This is something he should've told you and you know it.

It sounds like you're trying to justify his behaviour on a technicality because you're afraid to break up with him.

No. 170635

>More along the lines of not telling me the entire truth though.
Please anon, I know it's easier to believe and you want to cling to it but you really shouldn't. It's not worth it. Ultimately it's up to you what you do, but for your sake I hope you leave him without confrontation, because I'm sure he will convince you to stay with him. In the future though, if anytime it happens you'd doubt him, you'll remember this situation and it will be really hard to trust anything he says, which I really don't wish on anyone.

No. 170638

Alright I'll be honest, I misremembered when exactly we started dating.

So what I know:
>they didn't break up at the time he told me but stayed together for several more weeks
>he talked about how much he loved her at the same time as he was flirting with me
>he still considered her his gf while planning a date with me
>don't mention her at all in said chat after the date with me

He's even told me that he regretted not ending stuff completely with her before starting dating me (At the time I thought he already had ended it, and that he was just talking about staying in touch with her).

I suppose I'll need to confront him, if nothing else just to tell him that I know.

No. 170641

Anon your relationship started out as an affair, what happens next (if you stay) is he'll date you for a while and then start dating his next gf with an overlap of a few months too. Men like that replace you before giving you the curtesy of a break up or letting you choose what STD risks you're taking by extension to them.

In case it's not clear to you, that's fucked and any sane woman would run.

No. 170643

>More along the lines of not telling me the entire truth though
>In the best case scenario
I hate this term lately, but the absolute cope in this post. Is it just easier to stay comfy in denial?

Lying is lying, cheating is cheating. If you are willing to twist reality just to make him seem better.. you are in for a world of pain when he takes advantage of your desperation.

No. 170646

Anyone else believe in soulmates and twin flames? How about karmic partners? Realizing that’s what my relationship with my boyfriend of 6 months may be. Shit is really sucky. I don’t trust him. I get hunches and gut feelings, even though he always has a good excuse or can prove otherwise. Every time we see each other it’s a guess if we’ll hit it off or have a weird vibe. We’re good 3-4 days a week best but we can’t stay away from each other. He’s the first guy I’ve dated that’s younger than me (1.4 years) and I can’t tell how much of our disconnect is just maturity and experience. Venting more than anything right now. Drunkish and wishing things were different. Someone please tell me I’m not alone in with this kind of situation lol

No. 170647

I used to read twin flames disscusions on quora (for hours, weird entertainment I know) and I got the impression most that believe in it are mentally ill or have some deep set emotional issues. Thinking about it now I believe I found the term twin flame while reading a BPDers subreddit so that makes sense. Horribly unhealthy relationships…and people who are out of touch with reality or just not quite well.

No. 170650

Respect. Currently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and BDD but I was diagnosed with BPD in the past funny enough I don’t believe bpd is real anymore, just an excuse to diagnose and medicate traumatized women idk if I believe in twin flames but this karmic partner shit resonates too much to ignore. Still drunkish and thinking about it. Won’t lie, sometimes I wonder if I’m mentally fit/healthy enough for a relationship but when I tell him that he seems to gloss over it. Lots of thinking to do. Thanks for replying anon.

No. 170661

File: 1612649285744.jpeg (31.74 KB, 275x273, 5B7D0A80-D7D5-4802-8BDA-A4D61D…)

I'm in pretty much the exact same situation except our first anniversary is soon. My partner and I are both insane. Without her love I feel nonexistent, probably because she forgets that I exist half the time. I'm the poster child for codependency lol. I can't give you any advice and it'd be hypocritical to tell you to move on, so I'll just wish you the best. Enjoy the booze nonny.

No. 170704

dude i don't know how else to tell you this but you seem extremely invested in this (probably bc you have no experience with guys) and you've fallen head over heels with a guy who was DATING HIS EX AT THE SAME TIME AS YOU. if that doesn't scream "break up with him" i don't know what will

No. 170851

File: 1612762546314.png (Spoiler Image,264.79 KB, 518x800, wpg.png)

I hate burdening my friends with this and they'd be mad to know I did not block him so I'm giving an update here to get it out of my system and help move on.

So half of me does feel better now that I got the validation of him saying he misses me, regrets it, and I meant something, the other half is infuriated by it because it can't be true if he cheated so I kind of went off and told him that he wasn't sorry when I didn't know and that he would've kept doing it if I didn't fight for the truth so hard. I said I'd never believe he was sorry or that I or our relationship meant anything considering he wasted my time and constantly lied to my face.

He quote said, "ok so your response to me coming to you with a genuine apology is that im actually not sorry at all. that's…productive. i'm trying to come to you openly and honestly with a genuine apology, no emotional manipulation whatsoever." then my favorite part, "i believe your desire to craft a narrative is more important than dealing with the situation at hand." That actually made me laugh in disbelief. He really couldn't fathom that after only like 3 weeks, freshly hurt and still stewing in it every night, that I was not open to the idea of forgiveness or any other "narrative" other than he was just another cheating asshole.

I said there is no narrative, only the reality that you cheated, I won't forgive you, and I won't feel any other way about this.

He replied saying he was only trying to help me have closure then actually told me to fuck off, only to later add, "have a nice fucking life, I love you." so I feel I really dodged a bullet at this point.

I did intend to block him after that but I fell asleep so he messaged again saying, "this sucks. i hope your teeth feel better though lol." referring to getting my wisdom teeth out which freaked me out a little since I only posted about that on twitter and far as I knew he didn't have a twitter or use it and it's not connected to any of my other social medias so after all that I did block him because I got what I kind of hoped for and I do need to be done with him since he cheated, obviously, but also his weird admitting to stalking my social media and how he reacted put me off more than if he had groveled or something.

I know for next time it is best to block them but at least out of this time I do feel a sense of closure, also seeing him say things like that makes me feel relieved I didn't waste more time with him. At 28 he has a fully developed fucked up brain and won't change. Glad it can't be my problem now.

No. 170863

Ok I’ve been flirting with this guy for a few weeks. He sent me a dick pic but his for skin is like never been touched????? What do I do!? I’m really confused but I want fuck him.

No. 170878

Good for you for breaking up with him; but it's bad you haven't blocked him yet. You don't need to have him say he loves you or regrets anything. It doesn't matter, he doesn't deserve to get to say these things. It's not a closure you need, you may think it makes you feel better but ultimately it will only put doubt in your mind. You're already delaying blocking him and allowing him to make a normal, caring conversation with you, like "hope your teeth feel better" message. You really, REALLY should block him everywhere ASAP and move on.

No. 170879

he's a fucking selfish idiot, he only came back so he could feel better about sticking his dick in someone else. i'm glad you feel better now, you deserve better, like you said he's not your issue anymore and you can spend some time working on yourself living your best life OR finding someone even better who won't betray you like that.
> "ok so your response to me coming to you with a genuine apology is that im actually not sorry at all. that's…productive. i'm trying to come to you openly and honestly with a genuine apology, no emotional manipulation whatsoever."
how dare he try to control your emotion response to him hurting you. psycho. be glad it was only 2 years.

No. 170888

>allowing him to make a normal, caring conversation with you, like "hope your teeth feel better" message
I totally agree with you about blocking him, but this wasn't a 'normal nice message'. He did it specifically to let her know he was watching her, she said it freaked her out because she said it in a place she didn't expect him to read, and he knew that. It's intimidating behaviour. OP if you don't block him now expect this behaviour to escalate. He sounds awful and petty so he's probably going to stalk your socials anyway, private them all and don't let him talk to you.

No. 170892

Ah sorry, I've misread it. As you've said, even more reason to block him, fingers crossed for OP.

No. 170902

Valentine's day gift ideas? My girlfriend isn't super into romantic shit so something lowkey but still thoughtful. She likes sweets so I was thinking of baking cookies but if anyone has any cool ideas I'd love to hear them! What are you guys getting for your so's?

No. 170906

baking cookies is a great idea. is there a movie or show she's been talking about wanting to watch? or even one of her old favorites from childhood, make a cute movie date night, give her a massage, if she doesn't want any gifts then do stuff that shows her you've thought about her. don't be afraid of it being cheesy. wine n candles n if she likes houseplants (or even if she doesn't dislike them) get her something pretty. I hate dying flowers in a vase.

No. 170919

Thank you for your responses, and making me feel less stupid for being freaked out about the teeth comment. He is blocked and my socials are locked now. I do regret now giving him any access to me and even the chance to make himself feel better because I thought that too. I even said, "you don't get my forgiveness for this, for your own sake." and that's what lead to him saying he just wanted to give me closure and to fuck off.

Usually I have no issue cutting guys off but he really made me believe we had a future and I thought we were gonna get engaged soon or something so lol. But thank god it didn't get that far I guess.

No. 170925

Chocolate covered strawberries are so good and surprisingly cheap/easy to make vs buying. You can buy cute heart sprinkles and mix it up with white chocolate too!

No. 170934

Seconding this, they’re so easy and somewhat healthier than most Valentine’s sweets. I used to make them a lot before I got my mixer since you don’t need a mixer or even that many tools. It’s also really easy to add different toppings like nuts or white chocolate or even crushed candy on top.

You can also make your own chocolate covered pretzels or chocolate covered almonds, they’re super easy to customize with different types of chocolate, peanut butter, sweetened condensed milk, etc. The toppings are pretty much endless so you can customize them easily to add something she likes.

No. 170974

File: 1612839974610.gif (85.61 KB, 500x375, 1572209795120.gif)

Does anyone have any advice for what to do when you feel like you're putting way more effort into the relationship than your partner reciprocates or appreciates? After reading FDS recently (yeah, I know…) I'm realizing I do a lot of random little things for my bf because I care about him and want to make him happy, and I really do like doing these things, but sometimes it hits me that he rarely even says thank you or does anything back for it. I don't know if it's cultural differences as we're from very different countries or moidism or what but I swear to God I've almost never heard him say the words 'thank you' and it kinda bothers me. It's not like he ignores it when I do something nice, but it's normally just saying "Aww" and maybe kissing me on the cheek or something, am I being unreasonable for wanting more than that? I know some people say you should "match the energy you're given" and that I should stop putting in as much effort, but I really love him and this is how I show it, I would feel almost cold if I didn't do these things… yet it just makes me resentful so I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I just don't know what the best way to bring this up to him is.

No. 170980

Would it be that weird to just tell him 'hey I enjoy doing little nice things for you, but sometimes it feels like you aren't very appreciative of it or maybe take it for granted. I'd like for you to be a bit more enthusiastic and return the effort I put into these things more, because I don't want it to be unequal or one-sided'?
Idk what his culture or personality is like but you should be able to voice your feelings honestly and if he cares about you he'll like to know how he could make you happier.

No. 170993

>After reading FDS recently (yeah, I know…)
Hey no hate, I've seen more horrific dating stories here than I'd care to remember and if more farmers took even the most basic tenets of FDS to heart they'd be much better off. I feel it's especially useful to the women here who are usually coming from traumatic backgrounds and more susceptible to abuse from trash tier scrotes. I agree with >>170980 and think you should be straightforward. If someone genuinely cares for you then they won't take minor requests like this as an affront but an opportunity to make you happier. He'll either step up and show more appreciation and get you little gifts as well, or he'll continue on as he is. From there you have to decide if you're okay with a partner giving you so little in an area you enjoy or if you'd rather be with someone who naturally does more of that. Speaking from personal experience I had an ex very similar to this and I had to bring the topic up with him several times, but after a few months he started getting me more gifts (and I'm not talking expensive jewelry, just thoughtful notes, flowers, snacks) without me having to say anything and even started understanding why I enjoyed doing things like that for him. Gonna be honest, it was both a pain in the ass at first and luck that he turned out to be receptive. I don't recommend teaching a scrote basic appreciation and romantic gestures from ground zero (I wasn't in a great place myself) even though it worked out. But if you're determined to try with someone who isn't like that normally then the most you can do is ask, and it's important that you do because your desires are important in the relationship.

No. 171004

Do you think you HAVE to move in together eventually in a relationship? My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. We both have our own places and we're just about a ten minute walking distance apart from each other (we both work at big companies headquartered in the same big city, so it's lucky but not insanely so). We're both really happy with it. We spend a lot of time together, sometimes at his place, sometimes at mine, but it's nice to be able to have our own places when we do want alone time. Neither of us want kids and I straight up don't even want to get married (ever, not just to him). This hasn't ever really seemed like a weird setup to me, it's perfect if anything, but I got a comment on it from a friend today and was wondering if it is weird. Even if it is weird, is it worth being NOT weird if the people actually involved in the relationship are happy?

No. 171009

Nah man, you don't have to do anything just because people say you're supposed to. Living apart but really close together like that sounds like an ideal situation to me. You get the independence and freedom that comes with living alone, but also the convenience of being able to spend time together whenever you feel like it that usually comes with living together.
If you're both happy like this, never be pressured into moving in together. Norms on what your relationship and life in general should look like are absolutely meaningless and arbitrary. Tbh it sounds like your friend is too close minded to imagine a relationship other than the basic "move in together, get married, have 2.3 kids and take them to disneyland every year in your sedan" fare.

No. 171025

If you don't want marriage or kids and if money isn't an issue then do what suits you.

I bought my own home a couple years ago and friends kept talking about me moving a partner in some day…the more they casually mentioned it the more I realised I don't want someone moving in. The whole reason I stayed in my last relatiosnhip for too long was because moving out would be messy and a hassle. There's something nice about not being tied-in in that sense. That way you're with your partner purely because you want them and not because a lease is holding you there.

No. 171034

It's kind of unusual for sure but if it makes you happy, you do you.

No. 171076

my bf was violent toward me again tonight. i've agreed to go to couples therapy with him to fix 'our' issues just to get him off my back for now, but this was the last straw. i'm not going to stay in this. i am no longer isolated and i have a future. i deserve better than this. and if he's right that i'm a horrible disgusting person who will never find anyone else to love me, i am fine being by myself as long as it means i don't have to live in fear of him anymore.

No. 171077

So proud of you anon!

No. 171083

Rooting for you anon. You do deserve better and I wish you the best. Hope you are well and truly free of that garbage soon.

No. 171084

Yes, you deserve so much more, so proud of you, queen. You can do it!

No. 171094

What does everyone think about hooking up with exes? I live separately from him now and we had issues but didn't end on terrible terms. There are still feelings on both sides but I don't have any delusions about getting back together (in fact I explicitly don't want to). Any harm in continuing to hang out and bang if we're both aware that this isn't going to be long-term? The argument I usually hear against is that "if you're still spending time with your ex you won't be able to focus on someone new" but I honestly have no desire for a relationship even if I found a dude who was objectively better. Just vibing on my own but enjoy the physical/emotional intimacy. If I have zero expectations and am willing to bail if he gets needy is there any harm in this?

No. 171095

my opinion is you're a retard if you can't distinguish "emotional intimacy" from fucking your ex you don't actually want to be romantically involved with. wtf?

No. 171106

This isn't a traditional post here per se, but I need some friendship advice. I'm autistic so I always had trouble understanding the nuances of female relationships, so I'm not sure if what's happening is normal.
I have been friends with her for a long time. Suddenly she spams me with this huge wall of text, bragging about this guy and how huge his dick is. She sent me a screenshot of his reaction of her sending him nudes, but not the nudes themselves (thank god). I was really confused by this, I don't know why she'd send me this? She also told me they aren't dating "yet" but this guy is sounding my scrote alarm bells. He's also her coworker so it seems like a really bad idea to be pursuing this type of relationship with him.
I personally have a boyfriend myself, and I have never told any friends about his dick etc. It just seems like a really intimate and weird detail to be telling someone? I wouldn't like it if he went around telling his friends about my pussy or something. So I guess what I'm asking is, is this a normal thing that women do? Would it be within reason to tell her I'm uncomfortable?

No. 171109

That sounds like something someone really young would do. I hope she’s like 18-20.

It’s cringe but it sounds like she’s a bit immature and super stoked for this guy (for some reason). I’m guessing he’s either really hot or she hasn’t been in many relationships before. It’s totally fine to say that you’re happy for her, but the sex talk is a bit TMI for you and ask that she tone it down.

No. 171110

i got dumped by my ex for a frivolous reason.
he was a complete asshole but i put up with it because i was lonely.

I'm kind of mad at myself for not telling him off when I had the chance and now I will probably never be able to/

He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and we haven't spoken since.

No. 171111

what are the odds he will contact me ever again?
he was an extremely prideful type

No. 171115

I'm in an LDR and we're usually in Discord calls for a long time every day. He can be really dismissive and unempathetic which sometimes I find really hurtful and it really helps me to talk about it. And sometimes he is okay with it, but other times he tells me that if I don't stop talking about it he'll hang up. Which maybe isn't a big deal to most people, but he is aware that it's one of the worst things for me, it just leaves me feeling awful and abandoned for the rest of the day. And of course because I hate it so much I just stop talking about whatever he didn't want to hear about so that he stays in the call. But because of this, I feel like I'm forced to suppress my emotions and not communicate, even though that is really helpful for me and it's not like I want to do it everyday for hours. Do you think I'm at least somewhat justified in feeling bad about this?

No. 171119

You're completely justified feeling like this in my eyes, if I were in your stead I think I would've broken up already because I'm too hurt. Not to go all Break Up With Him!! (but… you know…), but if this is a long term relationship, think about it this way: Are you prepared to feel like this for the rest of your relationship? This might seem a bit like an exaggeration, but you said he knows how you feel about this but he didn't really seem to change his behaviour. I really don't think it's good to be with someone who's dismissive of your feelings and someone you have to walk on eggshells around just so they don't leave you. What's going to happen if you move together one day for example? Will he just give you the silent treatment when you bring it up?

No. 171120

I know there are romantic aspects to it, obviously, which is precisely why I’d prefer to spend time with a guy I like and know is relatively sane over someone it would take time to build a connection with (if they even end up worthwhile). You seem to think this is a bad idea but didn’t explain why, so not helpful. Again, this would only be short term. He is aware of where I stand on not getting back together (as in, not spending the majority of our time together and moving back in), but open to basically being FwB until I leave in a couple months.

No. 171121

I think the real question is why does it matter to you anon? It sounds like you just want him to come crawling back so you can give him a verbal thrashing and get some sort of revenge (understandable), but life rarely plays out like a movie and people rarely get closure like that. It also doesn’t really make a difference in these cases because by your own admission he’s a self-absorbed asshole, so rather than listening to your tirade and apologizing he’d more likely get pissed again, say more nasty things and learn nothing. I.e. it’s pointless. A better use of your time rather than wondering if he’ll try to hoover you back for an ego stroke is just to move on and live your best life and forget about him asap. The opposite of love isn’t hate but complete and utter indifference. He should be beneath you and not even worthy of your regard. He did you a favor in a twisted way by removing his gross, pathetic presence from your life so take advantage of that.

No. 171122

Yes, you are 100% justified in feeling bad. He's treating you like shit.

>but other times he tells me that if I don't stop talking about it he'll hang up.

Massive red flag. He's actively trying to control you by threatening to cease communication if you don't do what he wants.

No. 171123

Context matters here, but general rule of thumb is that toxic ex-partners almost always reach out at some point, even the "prideful" ones. Ignore it. It's called hoovering and almost always happens when the ex-partner has failed recently in attempt to find a new partner, or has actually secured a new or potential partner they want to triangulate you with.

No. 171126

he lives a distance away for now and we mainly talked on discord.

he left me because I showed up drunk the last time we met in person. i embarrassed myself pretty hard. it was weird because he admitted one time a few months before that he was worried about losing me yet still left me.

the last time i contacted him was me telling him i was sorry for it and he never responded to that message

No. 171149

Anon, I can't tell you with absolute certainty whether or not he'll contact you. But you said he was an asshole in your first post. This second one doesn't paint him in a spectacular light either. He isn't worth your time. Don't let him contact you, don't contact him. Instead, try and distract yourself with worthwhile things as opposed to giving this retard any more of your attention.

No. 171161

How do you break up with someone who’s suicidal?….

No. 171165

Tell some of their close friends/family you feel are reliable that you need to break up and when you’re planning to do it but you’re concerned for their safety so you’d like them to check in with them/keep an eye out. It’s an unfortunate situation but their mental illness does not make you beholden to them and it’s not your responsibility to stick around forever hoping the power of love will heal them (it won’t). Most you can do is try to take precautions, gently break the news, then keep your distance so they can try to heal.

No. 171166

Actually suicidal, or just threatening you to scare you into staying? If they are seriously mentally ill and on the brink of death, and you're breaking up because it is emotionally overwhelming or you're just incompatible, let them down gently. Explain you need time for yourself, you're not stable enough to be in a relationship right now, etc. Encourage them to make other friends and reach out to others for support when they need it. I recommend disentangling yourself as much as possible. Remember, you're not obligated to talk them off a ledge or spend all your energy consoling them.

If it's a manipulative leech whose suicidal ideation only goes as far as winning an argument or get attention, cut contact. Be as blunt as possible telling them you know they've been emotionally abusing you and you won't stand for it anymore. After breaking up, don't speak to them ever again even if they come crying to you about self harm. It's an imaginary crisis and not your responsibility. If you're ever seriously concerned for their safety, just call the cops on them and get them in a 72 hour hold. Mental hospitals are absolute cesspools, oftentimes worse than jail honestly. A fitting punishment for jerks who wanna play at suicide to manipulate their loved ones.

No. 171175

It’s hard to let them down gently. She’s actually suicidal and so am I so that’s unhealthy in its own right. But our relationship started so unhealthily and I’m going to look like a fool explaining all the red flags I’ve ignored. She’s actually suicidal, but has held suicide over my head before

Our relationship started like this
>I’m swiping right on tinder looking for fun
>match w her and invite her over
>her parents live in my state and she lives in another
>see each other a few times
>she gets upset I don’t like her as much as she likes me
>I never made indication I wanted monogamy
>she is very depressed in general
>wants to get me to like her
>I got it out of her that she was suicidal
>no biggie, understandable
>she actually had a plan in the year making
>date to kill herself is my birthday
>birthday in a week
>have her on suicide watch in my house without letting her leave
>realized she was goin to leave for her state and kill herself if she didn’t stay as long as she did
>realized she wanted me to like her before she killed herself
>red flag, she knows it’s manipulative of her
>I say I understand mainly, we do stupid things when we are suicidal
>the two weeks of her being on suicide watch at my house were traumatizing
>worry every time she leaves my sight in my own house
>she wanted to leave, I wouldn’t let her and said as soon as I let her out the door she’s basically dead
>she stays for extended amt of time with me
>can’t contact her family idk them, can’t contact her friends idk them, she doesn’t have any social media so there’s no one to reach out to
>I try to give her the best few weeks bc she’s so set on killing herself
>have her around until we find a plan
>she’s 100,000 in debt, felt bad calling ambulance bc she’d have to pay a lot bc us healthcare
>if I did that she’d still be suicidal bc more in debt
>all psych wards in state have 1-2 star ratings, basically jails
>tfw trauma bonded
>she’s not going to kill herself, finally got her to give me a friend’s contact info
>I’m guilted into a relationship bc she threatens to leave on sight and I’m trauma bonded and feel strong connection now. can’t imagine life without her

fast forward 5 months
>she gets free flights so she visits a lot
>her brother had covid
>she says she hasn’t interacted with him so we get emergency airbnb
>get rapid tested
>I say I would rather stay at my house alone bc I don’t want to increase chances of my roommate catching covid
>she sperges out
>claims I just want time away from her
>I say no I just think this is better and she should stay at her parents
>says I’m forcing her to stay at her abusive, homophobic family’s house
>she says it makes her want to kill her self
>wants me to come with her to parents house
>tfw why would you put your partner in that situation
>I give in and stay with her family for two weeks
>before this she said it was okay if I want to isolate alone, then turns it against me
>”I thought you’d fight to stay with me” “you should have known I’d be suicidal there” “sorry I take that back I shouldn’t have said that”

other things
>forcing me to “just do things to stop feeling depressed. Go eat. Let’s go see my friends. etc”
>gets frustrated when I am depressed
>”I’m depressed too and I just push past it”
>”I put up with you a lot when you’re depressed. You can’t come out of the rut and I try sooooo hard to help you it’s taxing.”

>guilting me into having period sex bc if not I make her feel gross and ugly

>upset bc christmas presents I gave her weren’t sentimental enough
>upset that I never come visit her (I don’t get free flights like her, I don’t have money to)
>upset I never talk about seeing a future with her and moving to her state to live with her (I am in college in my state I don’t have money to move to expensive city and don’t want to)
>threatens to leave me on a whim every once in a while
>as in gets up immediately says she’s done and collects her things to go to her abusive parents house so I’m more guilted plus the Uber is $30-$50
>gets mad that I don’t eat enough. it’s bc she cares but it’s mean how she says it
>her mom gets diagnosed with breast cancer
>after some time I say I want to break up up (not bc of the cancer)
>”you said you’d be with me throughout my mom’s cancer”
>”you’re willing to just throw everything away”
>tfw that’s what she does to me monthly but abruptly and it’s extremely scary

Now I’m extremely suicidal bc this time of year I always am. She is too. I don’t have energy to take care of myself I feel like I’m gonna fail this semester. I don’t have energy or strength to help someone else suicidal but I do my best. She gets mad at me and says she always checks up on me. She’s told me to tell her when I’m suicidal so I did and how I feel ugly and boring. She turns it into “you think I’d settle for someone ugly? That implies you think low of me lol, etc. ” “I think you kind of made that about yourself” “sorry, I’m depressed too and trying to show care the best I can”

This is already so long winded I’m sorry. I’m just stuck because she’s supposed to be coming here in a few days for Valentine’s Day and her birthday and I don’t want that but feel like I have to. I’m trying to find strength to do this but there are so many factors. I need to make a decision it eats me up every night and morning. There’s so much more I can say

No. 171176

Samefag I look and sound retarded I know. We have had a lot of really good times, I don’t want to discredit that. Another problem is that I don’t have the energy or time for a breakup, I’m up to my neck in school work and my mind will be so distracted and racing. I’m pathetic Ik. But just had to add those elements.

No. 171178

Anon shé isn't (just) suicidal, she's emotionally manipulative as fuck. If I where you I'd make it a quick, clean cut. Send her 1 breakup message with your explanation, then block her everywhere. You don't want to give her the chance to react and manipulate you into things you don't want to do. You're not a mental health professional so you can't blame yourself for not being equipped to handle a suicidal person and if letting her down "gently" will end up in you being manipulated you shouldn't make it gentle but quick.

No. 171179


from experience, the more time you spend in that relationship is more time you will regret. nothing good is coming out of that and you know it. don't beat around the bush. its over.

No. 171200

His behavior is definitely manipulative, he shouldn't just outright dismiss you when you want to talk about your emotions. Maybe shortening the amount of time you have on call would be helpful? If you spend a long time on call each day, it might be tiring for both of you. Not to excuse his behavior, he's definitely being a dickhead, but think of it in the context of a real life relationship. Most couples don't spend long stretches of time talking a day.
Me and my boyfriend are LDR too and we call a few times a month for an hour or two. (Not that you should do it that infrequently, it seems that talking over voice is important to you). I find that it helps us have a good conversation, rather than being in the call just for the sake of it.

No. 171215

You've already made your decision to break up. Don't even pretend there is any way to salvage this trainwreck of a relationship. Break up with her ASAP and then keep as busy as you can, talk with friends and family, etc. You'll make it through this.

No. 171224

I hated reading this because while I was never THIS bad..I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and I had some of this behaviour going on at that time in my life. Honestly…dump her in a very blunt and permanent way and go no contact. Let a blood relative know that shit is about to hit the fan and then wash your hands of her completely. Ignore all attempts at contact. She probably is feeling genuinely distraught but rewarding this behaviour with attention will only enable her to forever stay this way. Forever teetering on the edge of suicide just because she can't always get her own way. That's cluster b behaviour and it's ugly and abusive and it creates more than just one victim. You're more likely to kill yourself before she ever does, seriously.

Tough love and no-contact are the only way to do this. If she ever gets help she'll see that this had to happen, but she's not your responsibility and right now she's acting entitled to your endless caretaking. Sick or not she does not get to treat people this way. Her only way to grow is to have people show her that this isn't a rewarding way to act.

Look after yourself and don't get sucked back in.

No. 171329

I don't feel like my bf desires me anymore and it's doing a number on my self-esteem. we've talked about it before, how we go weeks without sex and how bad it makes me feel, and his reasoning has always been that he still desires me, he's just getting older (he's going on 27 which I think is too early to be having body aches that youre not concerned about, am I wrong?), he gained some weight over the holidays that he hasn't had the motivation to lose yet, and that it's harder since the dog is always around. when I brought up crate training the dog and why I wanted to do it, albeit a bit late, he agreed. but every time i would crate him he would go on about how bad he felt.

what I've gathered from this is
1) his sedentary lifestyle is doing harm to his body
2) his sedentary lifestyle is making him gain weight, and sex with me isn't enough motivation to lose it
3) he cares more about hurting the dogs feelings than hurting mine.

I don't know what to do. is he bored of me? we live together and have a nice domestic lifestyle.

No. 171336

Might be a touch of low mood affecting him but it also just comes across as him not being very considerate of you which low mood should'nt fully excuse. And 27 isn't an age where weight piles on and your sex drive dives off a cliff. That's not what 27 looks like.

Sounds more like it's related to the amount of time you've been together (you didn't say how long) and him reaching that point where you either put an effort in to keep yourself up to scratch or you give up because you don't value your partner once that honeymoon phase has gone. It seems like he's opting to give up and play dumb. Which will make it hard to get through to him and get an honest effort out of him again. The dog taking priority would seriously bother me too. Show his empathy and consideration for others is there..but not being extended in your direction

No. 171337

we've been together a little under 2.5 years

No. 171339

That's not good. I've had things go that way at the 2.5 year mark and it was because the guy already had one foot out the door without wanting to admit it. He simply wasn't invested anymore. It is a pretty early point to be going weeks without sex, gaining weight, putting the needs of the dog above you. I would read a deterioration like that happening so soon as a poor sign when it comes to the longevity of the relationship.

Maybe I'm biased from personal experience though. Maybe a diff anon will have tips towards staying together but imo only two years in.. that's not a battle you want to be having this soon.

No. 171342

:( he's very sweet and attentive otherwise… I hope that's not the case. I want to try talking to him about it again. what can I say?

No. 171346

>we've talked about it before
>how bad it makes me feel
>says he's just getting older
>he would go on about how bad he felt (for the dog)
>Cares more about the dog
Based on that you've talked and he's just made weird excuses like aging at 27. I feel like ultimatums are usually a sign you're already doomed.. but at this point maybe lay it out as an ultimatum.

No. 171347

is it possible that the weight gain has affected his self esteem and now he doesn't want to be intimate because of lack of confidence? obviously it's not the only possible explanation, but worth considering before you take other anons' advice to cut and run

No. 171348

what would the ultimatum be?

i think this is part of it. he's said before that he knows it's not attractive, and that he's worried about not satisfying me. my issue with that is that i try not to give him shit for it and try to gently encourage positive changes. but more often than not he isn't the one walking the dog, and i think he's been lying about not getting fast food lately. i hope he's not depressed, but lmao part of me kind of does so i know it's not because i'm ugly. i feel ugly

No. 171349

Have you posted before about the dog when it was still a puppy and affecting your sex life? I feel like I've read this months ago too. Might be two diff anons.

No. 171350

To be honest, it doesn't matter what the reason is. I don't know why women make so many excuses for men who clearly have them as their second priority. You are clearly unsatisfied in the relationship, hence why you're shitposting about it on here. Whenever I had to ask for advice, do google searches on why my partner was acting a certain way, etc, I knew that it was unsalvageable because they would never change. If asked if you feel loved, appreciated, and desired by your partner, your answer should be an enthusiastic "hell yes." If your partner is constantly making you question his love and attraction to you he's not the one sis.

No. 171351

yes :( i'm starting to think the dog has nothing to do with it

No. 171352

is he just in a rut? seasonal depression maybe

No. 171353

that's what i'm hoping. the holidays/winter season has been stressful

No. 171354

i'd open some dialogue about that. just be like

>i've been noticing this pattern

>you seem to have changed in x, y, and z ways
>i'm here to support you
>i just wanna know what's going on so i can help you and make our relationship stronger if that's what you want
>let me know in which ways i can accommodate you

No. 171355

>let me know in which ways i can accommodate you
.. I have no words

No. 171373

Anon should listen to you, although she probably won't if she's this desperate to hold onto the relationship. If men don't change their behavior after the first request, it's never going to happen. It's why the common (and most solid) advice is to never get into a relationship with someone who has to change to make you happy. Wish I had taken that to heart myself before I spent over 3 years in a dead end relationship. Twice. Never happening again.

You're literally less important to your partner than a dog. That's pathetic. If you ever want to be happy again, you need to ditch this loser and stop trying to mold him into some semblence of a functional human. You're not going to change him and there are no magic words you can say to convince him when he's already decided to wallow in his own victim narrative. Why would he even bother when you're showing him he still gets to have you while continuing to be a lazy fuck? All he has to do is listen to you complain occasionally, make some excuses, then everything goes back to normal. The most you can do now is leave, which is either going to be a wake-up call for him to get his life together, or you can continue being miserable in an unfulfilling relationship for the rest of your life.

No. 171398

>>171373 is right. OP, you are better off alone than wondering if your fat scrote thinks you're too ugly to use as a fleshlight.

No. 171546

File: 1613219604489.png (827.41 KB, 978x976, Screen Shot 2021-02-13 at 7.26…)

Holy fucking shit guys. Ok so I have an update on this situation. I'd been having a really hard time with it lately because I still hadn't heard from him, but I also wasn't ready to move on. Apparently, he was in rehab this whole time and he texted me a bunch of long ass paragraphs this morning that I had to wake up to. I'm too scared to open them. How should I approach this?

No. 171547

also sidenote, I did end up messaging his sister back in January but she told me she didn't know anything which is weird, no? Granted, she doesn't live at home but idk.

No. 171549

Did he have time to alert you beforehand that he was going to rehab but decided against it? Did he have the opportunity to contact you while he was there but chose not to? How long had it been since he left before he finally texted you?

Were you his first priority? No? Dump him.

No. 171550

dump and ghost

No. 171551

open them

No. 171559

It's not that weird imo, my sister doesn't really know what I'm up to and vice versa either. It depends on how close they are.

Anyway I'd open the messages and take time to read them. I think you should know what he has to say and have a full picture of the situation before you can make a decision on what to do.

No. 171606

File: 1613261569747.jpg (54.66 KB, 640x468, we-said-no-horny-memes-984514c…)

How do I get my bf to stop watching porn? Me and my bf have stopped watching a ton of porn once we got together but we both watch it occasionally when we get bored and the other person isn't around. Recently I've been more aware of how the porn industry constantly exploits people and now I've been dropping it all together and I want my bf to drop it altogether as well. How do I convince him?

No. 171607

Kick him in the dick hole

No. 171608

tell him about all the issues with porn and if he doesn’t stop watching it then congratulations you now know that your boyfriend is a massive cumbrain

No. 171633

>Relationship advice thread
>"Kick him in the dick hole"

No. 171636

well it doesn't say good relationship advice… nor legal relationship advice…

No. 171637

I’m definitely falling in love with my new bf but we haven’t said it to each other yet. I sent him a tiktok that looked like someone was writing “I love you” but it actually says “I love your penis”. He said “I thought you were dropping that with a tiktok” and I said “no that’d be so bad”. He said “yeah, I wouldn’t be upset though”. Do you guys think this means he loves me?

A few days before this I told him that I really like him and he said “I more than like you”. Do you think he’s going to say it soon? I’m really new to this stuff.

No. 171638

You sound like a dense 12-year-old. Saying "I love you" is not that huge.
Also, yes, he means he'd like to hear it from you and he loves you.

No. 171640

I know I’m retarded but I’m 22 and it’s my first relationship

No. 171641

Awww, that's kind of cute anon. Yeah, I think he wants to say he loves you but is waiting for you to say it first.

No. 171646

Also, about a week ago we celebrated Valentine’s Day early because we both work, and I was heavily hinting at being in love with him. He told me that he’s “falling for me”, which I know I should be happy about but part of me feels like he said it to appease me because he knew I was hinting at love but he didn’t want to hurt my feelings

No. 171657

I’m wondering what you ladies standards are in relationships, especially long distance? Lesbian and bisexual women I’d prefer to hear from you mostly, because this is about my long term long distance girlfriend. We’ve lived about a days worth of driving from each other for the last 6 years that we’ve been on again/off again dating. I can’t tell if I keep pursuing her because she’s familiar and similar to me (we’re the same age, we have a lot of the same friend circles, we don’t like the same music or food or things but the things she likes I enjoy learning about, and vice versa for the things I like.) I’ve taken breaks before to date women in my area, and had very mixed luck where I found myself just thinking of her whenever I was with someone else. She’s everything I could ask for in a companion, and I want to marry her because the thought of her not being in my future makes me really distraught. We both have trauma in our lives (what woman hasn’t), so I want to be 100% sure that this is something healthy and not just someone I’ve bonded to through trauma and someone who’s bonded to me for the same reason. I just want to be good for her, thoroughly good. I want to provide the best and most suitable home for her (she has really specific aesthetic tastes), I want a high enough paying job so she can work on her art and pursue her joy, I want better opportunities for myself so as I can provide better things for her, but I still find myself questioning the purity my intentions because of how often I think of her. I’m worried I’m hung up on a version of her that is from when we were still just kids, and I’m not sure what the repercussions of that are because I’m not used to having people in my life long term, especially romantically and sexually. Sorry for my wall of text, it took a lot of energy not to just fill this with how much I love her.

Tl,dr; I’m in a long term on/off again LDR with a woman I grew up with that I want to spend the rest of my life with. How do I close the physical distance between us, how do I decide if that is even the right thing to do after all this time? Do the concept of soulmates or twin flames even exist, and if they do, is it an inherently unhealthy concept to believe in?

No. 171659

While my boyfriend and I were on a break and I was trying to work on myself to become a better girlfriend with him, addressing some of my own issues that created a barrier between our relationship, he was fucking around with other people. He had some sexual roleplay with some mtf he's friends with and still regularly talks to, and then he literally fell for another mtf's onlyfans trap on discord and slid into their dms so they could send onlyfans promo pics to him. What the fuck is my life anons. It's Valentine's Day and I'm desperately trying to channel my heartbreak into anger so for once I don't have to be the one crushed and crying while he makes excuses about why he's become such a degenerate coomer and thrown away everything we've worked so hard for during these past few years. Like how do I take what I'm feeling right now and turn it into something that will be good for me? Because right now my heart is just so heavy and I can't even think.

No. 171661

File: 1613314960350.jpg (29.38 KB, 446x231, break.jpg)


anon what did you expect, going on a break is literally just an excuse to fuck other people, otherwise you would just work on your shit without a ''break''

if it was his idea dump him, if it was your idea then this is basically that one friends episode

(but also dump him for being a tranny chaser)

No. 171681

File: 1613324876990.png (149.88 KB, 300x250, 00D9F44A-1B5C-4531-BE26-BC510D…)

My boyfriend didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day, feels bad man. He knew I was getting him something a few weeks prior too so it’s not like it’s a surprise. Lately it just seems like he doesn’t care as much because he lost his job and is struggling with his mental health but damn if he has the energy to try and hang out with people online and make content for his social media you’d think he could’ve made me a card or something. He says he “didn’t have time”. Like I’m not working on the weekends and in school full time…Now I have to go to work and see other people’s boyfriends buy them gifts. If things don’t get better, I’ll be really heartbroken. Maybe I’ll buy myself chocolate to feel better lol.

No. 171685

I hate to respond so succinctly when you've just poured your heart out, but seriously. Wtf are you doing on lolcow right now? Just talk to her. She's the only person who can offer you valuable feedback.

No. 171692

Keep working on your issues and become a better girlfriend to yourself. After a breakup in a pandemic is the best time to really knuckle down on your personal growth. Doing something physical is always a good way to work through feelings too. Work out what was good and what was bad about the relationship, really trying to learn from it is the best way to put it squarely in the past.
If you commit to this, you can come out flourishing, wiser and happier, and he'll still be the same degenerate coomer he always was (but was hiding from you). Living well really is the best revenge.

No. 171701

i'd give him hell if i were you. explain the way you feel clearly and how you feel it's a general trend in his behaviour and not just about the gift

No. 171709

I have communication issues, and so does she because I do say these things and have