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No. 207882
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I can’t help but feel like my ex is keeping me on the backburner. We had a really bad breakup, live in different states, and have completely separate friend groups so there’s not practical reason for staying friends. We reconnected a few years ago but over the Pandemic we have ramped up to talking quite a bit. For awhile it was just a meme or a comment every few days but recently he’s been contacting me multiple times a day. Some of the stuff he sends are definitely references to things we did together and one was even a reference to the nickname he used to call me. He asks a lot about when I’m moving to his state and has offered to help me find roommates as well as help me network with his friends. I asked him why he still talks to me since our break up was so messy and he said he was very heavily influenced by our relationship and that talking to me feels familiar and comfortable. He has a new girlfriend and he’ll post lovey dovey stuff about them to his story but when talking about his life directly to me never mentions her. Not even in passing. We’ve been discussing a lot more personal topics lately and I feel like when he tells me about his life but not her it’s very deliberate. I like talking to him as my friend but I feel like he has ulterior motives and is waiting to see me in person again to decide how he wants to proceed.
No. 207965
>>207882I've had an ex do something similar. I knew he had a gf and I could see that on fb but he talked about his life just somehow avoiding any mention of her. I thought he was only being mindful of my feelings but so much time had passed so it shouldn't require all that tiptoeing aroung my feelings. Then one day he sent me a gift. He'd sent me a couple small gifts before that too, housewarming gift, birthday etc. I thought he had woken up and stopped being an asshole who uses people. I was getting gifts and I wasn't giving gifts back but he gave anyway. It was nice to feel somewhat compensated for the shit he put me through years earlier.
This time the courier rang him that morning because they couldn't find my house and he gave them his phone number not mine.. he was likley still in bed with the gf that morning when the courier rang and when he awkwardly then rang me whispering and asking if I got the item I realized he was being very careful not to let her find out. He was almost caught that morning though. I then remembered our breakup and him weirdly saying "someday we'll maybe meet again and it'll work" Again I thought he was saving my feelings with this odd statement but now I get it. Men really are more likely to do that shit, to keep up with you and show you small acts of kindness purely on the off chance that it pays off and he can smoothly dump any current girl who is getting stale and recycle you. It's less about wanting love or friendship and it's more about never wanting to be left with a sexual partner.
They'll hang on to a girl they're not even feeling anymore and just stay put til the next (or the recycled) woman is lined up ready to get with them. Acting like a changed man while he's betraying his current gf because he has a whole plan worked out.
No. 207975
>>207961I will try to figure something out in this manner, thanks for caring
>>207970As I said last thread, I lost my job, don't have money to pay rent and eviction is due day 15 of October. I'm living at a big city to attend Uni, but don't want to go back to my hometown because shitty family and because if I leave, I loose my free spot at the Uni and would need to reapply to it again and pass it again. Also looking for another job/place is has been hard, rent is all on the 600+ and work is scarce since the economy is still felling from the covid lockdowns.
It's not my ideal scenario, but given my options, and the fact that I'll keep attending Uni and even have more time to delicate myself to it, it's the """"""""""""lesser evil"""""""""""""""""
No. 207982
File: 1633359242567.jpg (85.92 KB, 600x399, self sufficient.jpg)
My boyfriend is illogical and irresponsible.
He's really anxious about saving the planet and degradation of the environment. It's been a central concern for him for actual years, more than a decade actually. But he lives in the city doing some useless fucking job. We never talk about it but we did today, I tell him that if he's that terrified of an oncoming environmental catastrophe, it'd be a good idea to have the project to buy some land in the country with a spring, renovate or build a home, have chickens and whatnot, solar panels etc, plant vegetables, learn to do useful things.
He looks at me like I have 3 heads and tells me he'd rather vote green like that's going to change anything. He also doesn't get that's it's always dangerous to live in a fragile economy working a tertiary job with zero manual skills to offer when you're not one of the 1%. He tells me he has savings at the bank like they're not numbers on a screen that can disappear the instant shit goes sideways.
I know how environmentally conscious he is, yet he lives in a way that guarantees he's in deep shit if his fears are true, ie apartment life in the city where during a collapse there's no community or mutual assistance and famines and conflict and every suffering you can imagine.
I try my best to have my values influence the way I live (I also worry about the environment even though it's not my most pressing concern/mission for the world and society) and it demotivates me to see he does nothing of his own values. It's even stupider because I would be down to do some electricity work and put fencing and cook and pickle stuff and garden.
I feel like I'm the only adult. It's one thing not to take care of yourself, but I'm also sad that he doesn't care about what becomes of ME if a catastrophe of his caused by environmental disregulation struck.
No. 207998
>>207975Nta but having been in a situation myself where I was in between places, worried sick about making rent and with a housing shortage in my area.. I dated an older guy who I would've not dated otherwise. I got 3 years of free rent out of it but tbh I felt trapped for probably 2 out of those 3 years. Trapped but by my own hands as much as his. I don't know if it was worth it. Most days I'd say it wasn't given I constantly ruminate over the low level abuse I didn't even recognise til I was out. I paid a bigger emotional price than he did with just his money.
I hope for the best for you but do make an escape plan in advance. Too many people take advantage by trapping young women using financial obstacles. And they make it seem appealing on the surface.
No. 208038
>>207985Ever heard the phrase "if he wanted to he would"? He's had plenty of opportunity to get closer to you and ask you out, but he hasn't. I know it's popular in this libfem era for women to pursue men but speaking as someone who's done that multiple times and correspondingly had multiple shitty relationships, I don't recommend it. I'm well aware men that approach first can be just as bad, but pursuing a guy guarantees nothing good. 1) He's just never been that into you and if he agrees to go out he's settling and keeping you around as free emotional labor + sex. Men do not have qualms about using and fucking women they don't even especially like to reap the benefits. Or 2) He does actually like you but doesn't possess the spine to speak a sentence or two of interest and risk rejection. Meaning his insecurity, fear and idiocy are all stronger than his desire to date you. Many women's first reaction to that is "aaw how cute poor thing I'll do the footwork for him." Bad idea. Do you want to date a man or a little pissbaby? These guys typically have mental issues that dramatically self sabotage the relationship and may destroy your own self confidence in the process. Not worth.
My rec? Let him go. Actively look to expand your hobbies, meet more guys, enjoy your life, and you will eventually find someone who is brave enough and excited enough about you that they will ask you out first. In a few days rather than a few years. I promise you there's better out there and you deserve to have a cute love story with a man who's crazy about you rather than one that starts with you holding a torch for some lukewarm gamer bro.
No. 208056
>>208051Best to ignore him and not give him the satisfaction of knowing you looked. This is the crazy emotional shit men pull that they'll never admit to. If you call him out he'll only deny it, pretend he's so over you and just being a friend etc. Your own common sense tells you that's not true.
I had an ex be the one doing the dumping, he moved on real quick, treated me like someone he couldn't stand to talk to and then kept messaging me for months once we were living on opposite ends of the country. I think he wanted to make sure I was still single (cause he's not so big win for him) I let him stay in touch to see what he wanted. The moment I got a new gf I never heard from him again. His gf never stopped him messaging but mine sure did. Stupid games. He wants to make sure you're not thriving without him essentially.
No. 208109
>>208108Of course, specially if you really have to focus, like, imagine being a surgeon, and stopping an open heart surgery to reply to a text message from your partner asking if there’s any toilet paper left in the garage.
Or being in the middle of a meeting with an important client for a multinational company and telling them to shut the fuck up because bae wants to know if you want pizza rolls for dinner.
No. 208213
>>208180Muslim men use western women as playthings until they secure a marriage. Be careful as they know how to act sincere and romantic, but they are the coldest discarders. Have you met
his parents?
No. 208270
>>208141He probably leaves the last piss drops to fall on it, and doesn't clean his dick after pissing, so at least a drop or two might stay in it.
Total scrote behavior, man lack the basic hygiene you would expect from a normal grown up
But how do you know it smells like it?
No. 208271
>>208180I'll be a little hard with you annonete but he is probably just using your for sex or for a recreational relationship. After he gets from you what he wants he will call you a whore on your face and leave to marry some cloistered 18yr muslim girl that got an arranged marriage.
Also, If you are a devote christian, why are you even dating a Muslim in the first place?
No. 208304
>>208108Depends but generally yes. As other anons have said if its a focus based job or personal phones frowned upon kinda workplace definitely.
Even if it's a more relaxed setting some just see work hours as their time away from spouse.
>>207982Have you told him thid is how he makes you feel?
I feel for you anon I dream of the buying land and doing for myself life but my partner is a city boy who wants fiber internets and hates doing 'burbs level of property maitaince.
You have to think about what matters more to you if he won't smarten up sadly.
No. 208313
>>208301I got married when I was only 22 and my partner was 24. We were on the same page not wanting kids and then 2 years into the marriage he admitted he had kinda lied and so he left. Turns out he was on the fence and saying otherwise to please me? It was shitty for me at the time but I do think wanting a kid isn't something you should ever give up for another person. You could waste your fertile years with someone only to get dumped by them. I don't see it as something to compromise on.
Do you think the number 30 is just scaring you though? Like do you flip flop on your feelings about it? Since reaching my 30s I have rare moments where biology is finally nagging me but I know deep down I don't genuinely desire motherhood and all that it entails. It's a headfuck to deal with.
No. 208321
>>208313I have always kinda flip flopped for various reasons. In my teens I never wanted kids and saw my infertility as a bonus to that goal.
Late teens I was in my first serious adult relationship and pretty much knew if I couldn't give that partner kids it would not last so I really pushed myself on the healthy train to try and work towards that which funny enough is when my health started to get worse lol and then I left him for other reasons.
Early-ish 20s ended up getting married for the wrong reasons and when it was good kids were discussed but I wasn't 100% on board but knew I had time.
Mid 20s meet current partner, he always talked about family naming traditions for kids ect in the earlier years then fast forward to about a year, year and a half now he says he doesn't think he wants kids.
I think mostly I was always leaning more towards not having kids but would be willing for my partner and if my health would allow. Put a lot of time into researching how I could help make that possible over the years and really tried to follow through on what I thought would help but definitely the past few years been feeling that clock ticking louder. Didn't help my 1st ex had his kid with the gf that came after me during this time and family is all having their 2nd and 3rd kids.
There is definitely a small part of me that thinks I want children and then just all the reality sets in.
Costs, my health, my partner not wanting them, both of us have shit tier genes and both families being a bit whacky. Also with current partner I would be in a different country than my family.
On top of all this my partner and I have been in a LDR for the 6 years we have been together and things have been tough last year so there's lots of small variables running around in my mind too.
When we had the first serious chat after he said he changed his mind he made it out more like he would be fine if we didn't have kids but if somehow we did conceive we would go from there.
Most recent convo he is willing to get snipped which to ne sounds like he's made up his mind.
Sorry for the novel. I have like no one irl to talk about this with and I think its mostly just my body just trolling me a bit as well as and this is going to sound kinda dumb but watching RawBeautyKristi on youtube and her struggles and then her honesty post-partum about why she may not have another child just kinda intensified the weird flip floppy feelings I had lol.
I don't think my current partner would leave me honestly and so that also weighs on me because I know if I want to try for kids it won't be with him.
Thank you for your reply!
No. 208331
File: 1633548317283.jpeg (107.41 KB, 1100x824, I am confusion.jpeg)
I thought of my old high school boyfriend for the first time in awhile and saw via facebook that a.) he's single and b.) lives in the same town as me. We dated my freshman and sophomore years, but broke up as he was more mature (a year ahead of me), I wasn't ready emotionally to have sex and he was. It was a fairly amicable breakup (in that there was no post-break up fighting) but it being my first really hurt, so I did the old 'unfriend on fb and never talk again' routine.
I went overseas after high school and have only recently returned within the last year (for good though, thanks 'rona). It's been about 10 years and I'm interested in reconnecting with him (just to see if we'd even be compatible anymore I guess, a lot can change in that time), should I send him a "Hey how've you been?" message? I already sent him a friend request and he did accept it…I guess I just don't know if that'd be weird or not.
No. 208399
>>208382Honestly, this would really bother me too. He seems pretty shallow and petty about something as silly as body hair. Women are expected to tolerate men's body hair despite it being thick, unaesthetic, and smelly, yet he can't stand your natural body despite it being completely inoffensive? Some men really ruin it for themselves by being retarded, they don't deserve girlfriends. If you really want this scrote I'd say you stick by what you're doing now, he can fuck right off if he hates it that much.
>I would find it unattractive if he shaved his head or somethingThat's really not the same thing, shaving your head is completely drastic in comparison to a woman having her natural body hair…
No. 208400
Let me start out that I have a really sweet and caring boyfriend who is very romantic towards me. He is also super cute. We have interesting conversations a lot of the time. However, I feel like something is missing.
I don't really feel like my boyfriend is culturally, artistically, or spiritually curious. He doesn't know about art or culture, even pop culture. I wish I could talk to him about TV shows or movies, but he doesn't watch either, and he hated the one non-Hollywood movie I showed him, saying it was boring.
I think in a lot of ways, he's like a STEM lord, but he's not even good at those things. He went to college but never learned statistics nor basic calculus, which kinda lowers my opinion of him. He works with kids, but he's not gainfully employed, imo. I'm graduating college soon, but he doesn't seem interested in talking with me about my future career goals. He doesn't really seem to have a direction in life right now.
I also don't really like his political views. Usually I really like talking about politics, but my bf is just a normie liberal who still really hates Trump. Of course I don't really like Trump either but I find talking about him boring.
idk, I thought having a sweet, caring, and romantic guy would be all I need. But I think he is kind of boring and not really that impressive.
No. 208402
>>208386kek good idea, he would probably realize how much fucking time it wastes. he’s shaved my legs for me before and it took half an hour, I have long freakish spider legs and so does he.
>>208387>>208394He has a few times actually, he just doesn’t anymore because I stopped caring and realized shaving most parts of your body is unnecessary and weird. It was never daily, though, and my hair regrows to visibility daily.
>>208399Damn. Good point. My legs still look the same just with fucking hair on them. Fuck that. We talked about it a little more and he agreed that it’s societal and unfair but says he was raised in that society so that’s how he feels about it. When we have discussions about disagreements, we always come to a resolution, so I think you’re right and I should just hold out until he gets used to it and the association MALE… HAIR IS MALE! leaves his brain. It’s literally the same thickness as my arm hair which he does not care about at all, lol. Thanks, anons. Love ya.
I think my mom gagging every time I see her got into my head a bit. No. 208413
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My boyfriend left for the military and I held it together while he was here but I haven’t stopped crying for the last few days. I can’t think about anything else. Normally he would be the person I’d confide in, but he’s my only friend and now he’s gone. I just feel very lonely and sad.
No. 208424
>>208330It has nothing to do with racism, islam is a misogynistic belief system and muslim men treating non-muslim women as disposable is a well-known problem.
I wish you well but you should not be naive.
No. 208428
File: 1633596710283.jpg (23.93 KB, 447x447, 15dd77553486a11ee50e34a3fb05ee…)
Anons, I need your stance on what would you do if you were in my place as I'm sure the people who could give the best advice in my situation are kind internet strangers. So:
> two years back, you meet a way younger guy, quickly start liking him as you have very little experience in relationships, he seems to be into the same romantic / sexual things you're into and you've always wanted to try dating a younger twinky guy and you needed a friend you could talk to anytime.
> immediately notice tiny red flags, but you're a very tolerating person and the guy seems to need to be taken care of and you want to do that.
> you go to another country to meet him, everything feels beautiful, you want to eat him up alive, but he wants to wait until marriage for sex and you're actually okay with it. You start paying for absolutely everything, he treats it as a natural thing and you guess it's okay (you keep paying for everything and sometimes giving him money for the next two years as well)
> after several months, you get to live together for a couple of months and you enjoy every day with him, but he starts feeling uncomfortable with you as he says that you aren't a compatible partner for him, he doesn't have enough topics to talk with you about, you have no intriguing passions or interests and that love can't be a warm and fuzzy feeling, there must be a solid base for his love for you and that he can't feel romantic love for you.
> You get crippled by sadness. However, everything gets fixed magically in a couple of months, he comes to stay with you for another month.
> You keep being sad and worried because you're afraid of anything repeating again, he soon gets tired and decides that he's too weak for a relationship with you, and isn't happy that you also don't provide any valuable activities and conversations.
> He tries talking to other women online, while staying in you apartment as well, you find out, your heart breaks. He begs not to leave him, of course you stay with him.
> In half a year he proposes to you, you arrange the marriage (everything is paid by you), less than two months left until the wedding and he says that he isn't sure anymore as you're too sad all the time and also you have developed nasolabial folds and that affects him badly.
> You become a crippled cripple. Dude says that he will do his best to sacrifice himself, find will and strength to be with you and to ignore your appearance and personality flaws and maybe will want to marry you, you just have to give him time to consider you.
What would you do? Should I give him time or do I deserve a slap in the face for letting this happen and cancel everything already?
No. 208430
>>208428I really really hope you're larping, if not here's your wake-up call. If you stay with this guy you're choosing to be with someone who
>Abuses you financially>Emotionally abuses you and puts down your appearance and personality constantly>Cheats on you by flirting with other women… while he's still mooching off your apartment >Acts like being with you is a huge sacrifice so he can guilt trip you into thinking you don't deserve better when he knows full well he's using you as a free ride Why do you hate yourself so much that you're confused about staying in this pathetic excuse of a relationship? Honestly this guy sounds like a fag (pretty, "twink" even as described by you, won't have sex, doesn't find you attractive) and like he's just looking to lock you down while scouting for his next sugar mama
No. 208433
File: 1633597820862.gif (110.47 KB, 220x165, psa48eeZTr1xa39cgo1_250.gif)
>>208430nonna, God knows I wish I was larping.
Well, the thing is that I love him very much, he says he loves me too and regrets all the bad thing he's done to me.
And it's not like he was completely uninterested in me sexually, though I myself haven't been sexually satisfied, well, ever in my life.
Also, I lived in his nice apartment for a while too, though I did buy him things, food and groceries.
And he wanted to marry me asap this summer and was upset that we have to wait over two months for our wedding, why would he do that if he only wanted me as a free ride.
Also, we're both Christians, so that affects my outlook too.
I do sound not sane, don't I?
No. 208438
>>208433>he wanted to marry me asap this summerI mean that just sounds like he's now in a rush to legally secure you as his personal wallet, probably because you caught him talking to other women and are (rightfully) considering whether your should cut off his access to
your money. Him allowing you to stay at his apartment for a small period of time while you were paying for countless other expenses does not somehow make this an equal relationship. Absolutely nothing about his behavior indicates love for you anon, I'm sorry. I'm sure in your heart you know that as well. If you're Christian then you believe love should be Christ-like, yes? And what does that look like? Kind, considerate, generous, prioritizing your partner's needs, responsible, trustworthy, supportive. Read everything you wrote in your first post again and understand that absolutely no one would believe he is any of those things to you. Truly, the fact that you've been willing to put up with his cruel and self-serving behavior - for years! - is indicative that you have absolutely no self esteem. Please cut this guy loose and cut all contact then get therapy or even read some books about healing your self image, because this is terrible treatment you should never have endured. At the least, you posting here shows you have some small seed of doubt that realizes you deserve so much better than this garbage. Trust in that.
No. 208439
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>>208438Thank you for your time and caring infinitely, anon… Hope you'll have a great day and that lots of happiness is awaiting you
No. 208443
File: 1633600109808.png (152.89 KB, 381x256, 8409832094732057.png)
>>208439Please take care of yourself
nonny and reach out to people irl if you can. Family, friends, a therapist, even church groups possibly (if they're not going to
victim blame or tell you to continue serving your partner or some shit). You should have a support system to get through this and process everything. If you need to talk more I'll be around although I know the internet is a poor substitute for real contact. Know that you are strong enough to get through this even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You are a worthy person just for existing and deserve real love that makes you feel safe and happy, not drained and hurt. Wishing you all the best.
No. 208462
>>208378Some ideas:
- he accepts that you might not shave
- he can shave all your body everytime it is needed
- you can shave some parts and leave others out
- if you shave, he shaves
No. 208468
>>208400Honestly anon this doesn't sound like a good lonh term match and a lot of these annoyances will turn into resentment down the road unless he changes. Have you told him how all these things make you feel? Men are dumb and need to be told how to change then they decide if its worth changing or nah.
>>208421You did the right thing and once it stops hurting you will know you did.
>>208428Slap yourself because you knew better. Send him back home and find a better partner. He is asking for time to find a new sugar mama not consider you.
>>208463Nothing wrong with reaching out and letting nature take it's course. I say go for it anon.
No. 208483
File: 1633623008816.jpg (81.75 KB, 800x1400, kneeling.jpg)
>>208443>>208468thank you so so much for the encouragement both anons, I'm the anon who should slap herself. he would've let me stay in his place though, I'm not sure if he's looking for another woman already though, he seemed really into me for some time and says that he still really loves me and needs time to realize if he can be strong enough to provide me enough love. though he ignores my messages about wanting to love him and wanting to stay completely monogamous for him and missing being basically his mommy gf, or just responds 'sorry' to that. maybe I'm too demanding. oh, maybe even God doesn't know what the guy is thinking. though I am findig some strength in myself thanks to the help from people like you
No. 208535
File: 1633655075354.jpg (42.94 KB, 732x714, 1613834314584.jpg)
How do you guys deal with a busy boyfriend? Boyfriend started a new contract which is with a high end artist that can benefit the company + pay, and because of that, this weekend's plans got cancelled and I'm sad about it.
I know I shouldn't complain and stuff since he does so much for me, but god does it hurt.
No. 208562
>>207882Break up with him
>>207982Break up with him
>>207982Break up with him
>>207971Break up with him
>>207985Do better
>>208108Break up with him
>>208535Break up with him
Hope this helps, abandon all men as they will eventually do the same to you <3
No. 208573
>>208570She is right though 50% of all marriages end in divorce and another large percentage stay together but actively delude themselves or just hate each other's guts. The vast majority of people are not going to be the exception to the rule, especially when so many women choose to overlook glaring red flags from the sort of limp-wristed smeglords described itt. The things that get brought up here are so rarely rational and workable issues like "how can we make more time together" or "we already communicate well but what's the best way to share my feelings" but
>he's a porn addict and talking with other women behind my back>he has a dead-end job but wants me to remain the primary breadwinner while raising 3 of his kids >we're not technically together but he texts me every 8.2 weeks to ask for a booty call, he loves me right?>he's 2 decades older than me and already has a wife but says we're soulmates, other people just don't understand >I've never actually met him in person and he's a Muslim radical but I can fix him Like yes the men are horrendous but the absolute state of women that so many eagerly accept shit like this makes me want to give anons a lobotomy because even that would improve their standards
No. 208618
>>208573Blame society for making people so scared of being alone that they would rather be with some horrible cad. Out of my 9 aunts/uncles, the only one still married to their first spouse is my one crazy republican aunt, and they have screaming matches all the time but are in too much credit card debt to afford a divorce.
Imo, people settle way too easily. All the time you spend in a relationship with some dillhole you can maybe tolerate, or even sometimes like, is time that you're passing a better partner by. All the time you spend just letting someone be a little shit and not confeonting them about it is time you'll never get back.
Imo, if some shitty behavior ticks you off, don't hold back for a second from criticizing it. Be ready & willing to argue. People can & do change but you don't know if they will until you try, and you just gotta rip that bandaid off and see what happens.
No. 208644
>>207960>>207975Anon here
Just to keep you updated and know that I'm well.
This week I moved out of my old apartment since eviction date was day 15, but since the next two weeks are filled with Uni exams, I decided to move out early so I get more time to study. Mary helped me with my things ( a backpack with some personal stuff and a suitcase with my clothes, the furniture came with the apartment).
Things have been fine this week, situation is still a bit weird for me but nothing bad happened. I got my own room in a guest bedroom in their apartment. The room is located in the end of a corridor, with their bedroom being on the other end of it. They gave me a key-chain with: A key of my room, so I can lock it whenever I want,a apartment key and two keys for the building front and service gates.
I think they are somewhat conscious of my weariness, since no sexual advance has been made toward me until the moment. Mary still talks to me like normal, asking if I'm comfortable and if I needed anything else and other general stuff we use to talk about. Joe on the other hand barely talks to me, he greets me and other normal stuff, asked me if I'm fine and all, but outside this small chit-chat we didn't interact.
I'm getting used to their routine but still spend most of my time in my new bedroom doing my things.
Things are "normal" since, they follow their routine almost religiously, and I'm more "invited to take part" instead of obliged to.
Mary and I have a "ladies bathroom" while Joe has his own.
Outside of breakfast, lunch and dinner we don't spend too much time together.
They cook for me too, so there's that. Both go to the gym are are very into the "fitness lifestyle", so I pretty much only ate healthy homemade food this week, hadn't ate this well before.
The only "bad" thing that happened and will keep on happening is that if I take off my earphones or mute whatever I'm watching on my PC during 11:30 to 12:00 I can clearly hear them having sex in their bedroom, which kinda reminds me of my old apartment since the walls were paper thin and I could hear almost everyday one of the neighbors having sex.
No. 208675
>>208673I used to feel that way, thinking people who were optimistic all the time were annoying or even dense, but now I realize it was just because I was in a shitty destructive place myself. I would kill to have a super kind and upbeat partner to talk me up and help keep me positive after wasting years around other pessimists that just kept me miserable. Venting is very overrated, it doesn't help and makes you feel shittier (
https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/venting-just-makes-you-more-miserable-science-shows.html). You can discuss stressful things but it's better to do so in a constructive way and it sounds like he actually helps with that, which is so rare in general and especially with men
No. 208726
File: 1633746223895.png (416.98 KB, 647x593, 1612302631633.png)
Me and my gf have been together for almost a year, and we're really happy together, but whenever things get steamy she always grabs/pulls at the fat on my torso.
I'm a healthy weight, but I do have some anachan history, and my gf is taller and thinner than me. It's really hard not to let her pinching my fat get to me; it makes me feel like she'd be more attracted to me if I lost weight.
Can anybody tell me what pinching someone's body fat means? She never gives me any other clues that she secretly doesn't like my body but it's still hard for me to cope with or understand this. Help pls!
No. 208735
>>208726I think the most reasonable thing to do would be to talk to her about it, to ask her if she does so because she is attracted to it or because she might find it attractive (which would be a giant red flag, by the way).
I understand you because I also had a past with ED and it is very difficult to change that thought pattern, it basically spoils your whole sense of body perception. But considering that your relationship is more than a year old, it's important to maintain good communication with your partner, especially in this kind of insecurities, even if they don't seem like it over the long term, they can
trigger you into another ED episode.
No. 208779
>>208728Fucking I guess, I think
>>208735 is right that it's because I have no idea how to perceive a body, even an attractive one, outside of 'skinnier than me' or 'fatter than me'.
>>208730 >>208754
I'm definitely projecting my body issues onto our relationship but I'm gonna stop acting like it's based in anything Thanks for your help
No. 208804
File: 1633797128212.jpg (338.27 KB, 800x1181, f0c.jpg)
Is it controlling if your partner expects you to be in bed with them every single night?
Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch while watching tv and my partner gets extremely hurt about it and guilts me. Sometimes when she goes upstairs to bed, she'll quip "See you tomorrow evening," because she knows I might fall asleep watching tv on my weekend off and so if she's gotta work a morning or mid shift she won't 'see' me until when she gets out of work despite the fact that we always kiss each other goodbye.
We're just a little too old to be having separation issues like this. I feel that unless I'm spending every single night on the couch alone that me sleeping down here once or twice a week shouldn't be such a big deal. I usually do it because late night is my time to watch something. From the moment we're together at home we're around each other at every waking moment (she doesn't have friends outside work acquaintances so I understand why she's more lonely). We watch dozens of hours of tv together, we take walks, etc. I could understand the gripe if we never spent time together but we always do.
I don't know what to say that's reasonable, I feel like I've tried explaining why I do this before yet she just made me feel guilty.
Last night we were watching tv together and when she got up to use the bathroom, she came back buck naked expecting to fuck around. I told her I was on my period and not very in the mood anyway, I wound up falling asleep on the couch so I think I made her feel rejected based on the look she gave me this morning when she came to kiss me on the couch before work…but like?
Am I really in the wrong? I need the decompress time.
No. 208813
File: 1633799394333.jpg (501.55 KB, 1536x2048, 1630694162591.jpg)
My boyfriend had a dream where he was at a candy store, and I was being sold as candy, while wearing skimpy clothing. In this dream, he wants me, buys me, and takes me home.
What does this mean?
No. 208826
>>208804I’ve dealt with this exact same situation (I could sleep on the couch with the tv on every night) and imo it’s an introvert/extrovert issue. My partner is great and all, but like you, I also need recharge time alone. Recharge time for her is time with
you and sometimes it’s hard for extroverts not to take that personally. Even if you’re spending a lot of time together otherwise, a lot of extroverts really want that closeness when they go to bed. It’s easy for us as introverts to say “we already spend a lot of time together” because that isn’t recharge time for us.
I think you both should understand the other one better. You should realize why she’s hurt, she should realize why you’re not trying to hurt her and also not guilt you. I was able to compromise, I come to bed more and don’t sleep on the couch as much, but I use my earbuds and phone to watch my bullshit in bed.
No. 208844
File: 1633815296786.gif (222.58 KB, 250x179, tumblr_ff75fa35ee8d24fcd550485…)
idk how to motivate myself to date. the process of getting to know someone and trying to find chemistry is so fucking boring. playing 20 questions is so fucking boring.
i also want to try dating women but they intimidate me more than men. i actually want to impress women whereas i couldn't care less about what men think of me and find them annoying more often than women.
No. 208854
>>208848but like… i'd like to have one. i just dislike the process
>>208852i'm privileged enough to have great friends that are single but damn i just want someone to connect with romantically and sexually.
No. 208941
File: 1633876347950.jpg (148.01 KB, 1300x866, 93267895-old-age-people-and-li…)
Anons in long term relationships, how do you feel after many years have passed? Do you miss how "honeymoon period" felt like? Have hardships influenced the way you feel about your partner? In what way you keep the relationship feel romantic, not like just a strong friendship?
It's my first time to date anyone for longer than 2 years and I'm curious how it is for other people, since obviously it's different than in short term relationships and I think I need to sort out some of my feelings here.
No. 208964
>>208804In my last relationship I was a night owl and he started work way earlier than me. I remember we had to discuss it because it definitely was an issue at times. I basically learnt that in his mind it was read as me 'avoiding intimacy' He thought I was staying out there half the night all because I was just that determined to avoid sex. He fell asleep thinking I found him gross. It wasn't about that so we figured that at his bedtime I'd go in and if at all in the mood we'd do something, even if it's just quick oral for him. If I really wasn't in the mood we'd cuddle and just make an effort to end the night nicely.
He'd doze off satisfied and I'd get up and have my solo hours then.
No. 208980
>>208941After five years, I still get the butterflies. We fight, we have problems, but still talk a lot about our feelings with sincerity, we flirt a lot. The Morticia and Gomez relationship I could never think of.
It helps a lot listening to each other without judgement and voice our concerns and divergences.
We both grew up in extremely
toxic environment and decided that we never wanted to fall into those patterns.
No. 209081
I'm not actually sure if I want advice or just to rant. I simply dont know what to do.
I am mid-twenties and a postdoctoral researcher in science. In my uni department, my research group (from PhDs to professors) is about 16 men and then me (female). I cannot stop thinking about one of the Assist. Profs.
I don't know how old he is, but judging on his PhD thesis date he's going to be mid thirties. He's not conventionally physically attractive but he wont leave my head. He is insanely intelligent and is very young to be this high up the academia career ladder. I usually dont like when men are balding but on him I do not care. He's got the most interesting mouth and jaw, I've wondered what it'd feel like between my legs.
Today I sat at my desk trying to find the error in a calculation I have been working on but my mind kept wandering off. Sometimes I simply fantasized us in my favourite coffee shop, sometimes I was thinking back to conversations we'd had previously to "relive" them, but most of the time I was picturing him fucking me over his desk. A month or so ago we were in a boring meeting. He sat next to me (I'd like to say it was deliberate but I dont want to trick myself as it was likely chance) and lent back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. His shirt became slightly untucked from his suit trousers and out of the corner of my eye I saw his briefly his boxers. Why is it that the smallest thing does it for me so much?
I'm a capable scientist. I've won multiple awards, publish lots etc. I've even worked with a Nobel prize winner. But none of this matters; I see him in the corridor of our offices and I feel like a 15 year old girl again. I fell asleep thinking about him last night. Specifically him leaning back on that chair. I think whether that'd be the pose he'd do as I fellate him.
I'm under the impression that he's single, others in our group have mentioned how they wish they knew someone to set him up with. He's mentioned an ex-girlfriend in conversation previously so he likes women.
He seems to like me as a person - over summer break we would sit and eat together at lunch. I used to dread if someone would walk into the room as ask to join us. He'd once referenced a book in conversation, I was amazed as it was my favourite book - one that isn't well known and I'm always telling people to read. I'd liked him as a person for long before then, but that weird book moment was the one when I'd thought of him in a sexual light. Of course, I wondered, and still do wonder, if we was being polite during lunches. I cannot tell. We have the same humor and can sustain conversation for a long time. A few months ago an asshole in my department walked in and shouted at me, he defended me and went on to put a complaint into the department about said dickhead. There's so much I don't know about him and I want to know everything. I really have to suppress the female-autism when I speak to him so I don't splerg.
What do I do? There's a good chance he's not interested at all. Maybe he's just polite to the younger members of staff, including me, to humor us. Maybe he does like me, but as a person. Maybe he likes me as something more. Do I make reasons for us to spend time together?
There's meant to be a research group meal and drinks event soon. I'm going to put a little bit of pressure on the organizer to get it planned.
No. 209110
File: 1633990284582.png (346.41 KB, 367x399, 2358486485675475.png)
>>208964>we'd do something, even if it's just quick oral for him. Glad to hear this one's an ex
No. 209243
>>209227If its just with family then yeah you kinda are
>>209238Since you know the answer I hope you don't act upon it anon
No. 209252
File: 1634080823691.jpeg (578.48 KB, 828x910, 3849FA3A-ACD5-4321-96E5-64D225…)
>>209128did you really need to post this on 4chan too?
No. 209316
>>209243>>209253>>209286>>209311yes, i admit to being clingy and a bit retarded.
i talked to my bf after reading these and he said he would pay for me to go (and clarified for me that i could in fact go) or he wouldn't go himself and i felt better so i just told him to go with his family
so, thanks anons
No. 209383
>>209081This sounds like a fanfic honestly. Good luck with your crush anon.
Out of curiosity, what is the book?
No. 209389
File: 1634181897075.png (500.98 KB, 720x540, 1280543637.png)
Help me anons I’m literally horrified right now.
My boyfriend of six years just spontaneously asked to break up with me last night after having a perfect relationship together. Worst of all was his reasoning that he fell in love with a new coworker of his that he’s been talking to for only a month and a bit.
Apparently they’ve been romantically talking to each other during this time behind my back and both decided that they’d break up with their significant others to be with each other.
I’m literally so heartbroken he’d do this to me. When I asked why he just said “I’m sorry, I’m just being selfish.” I tried talking sense into him and explained how horrible it is to do to someone that loves him and he ended up having a breakdown and agreed we can talk more about this in a week’s time to decide what we want to do.
What should I say to him to keep him anons? He’s literally the love of my life, he’s the only one I’ve loved and I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else. I don’t want to lose him.
No. 209399
>>209389>Worst of all was his reasoning that he fell in love with a new coworker of his that he’s been talking to for only a month and a bit. Not that it matters anymore, but this is most certainly a lie in an attempt to soften the blow that he's been emotionally cheating on you and checked out of the relationship for quite some time. Nobody ends a long relationship for another person they've only known for a month, and at any rate, clearly he's had contempt towards you for some time to have considered this an option in the first place. A rational person wouldn't have confessed this to you thinking it would help
you feel any better, it's something a liar like him has got to convince you about so he can feel less like a scumbag. Sorry, I just hate these kinds of lies.
>I tried talking sense into him and explained how horrible it is to do to someone that loves him and he ended up having a breakdown and agreed we can talk more about this in a week’s time to decide what we want to do. Don't do it anon, he's already shown you what he's capable of doing if he's feeling a flight of "selfish" fancy. Unfortunately anon, I think you love him way more than he has any love for you. You're being manipulated by someone who has literally betrayed your trust.
Tbh it sounds like your self-esteem has been whittled down in this relationship, and he expected you to take him back so he can basically get away with having a workplace sidepiece consequence-free. He's got you so hooked that instead of anger, you're acting desperate. It's hard to see when you're in the thick of it, but you'll look back on this in the future and realize how undeserving this disrespectful guy is. Call his bluff and do not take him back, he doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness.
No. 209400
>>209392He recently got a new well-paying tech-job that said coworker gave him a referral to. I suspect that them being in the same industry and her helping him get the job was what drew him to her.
I’d actually met her in person a month ago when he invited me to meet his friends. I remember getting bad-vibes from her. Since she’s in STEM all her friends are male and I noticed she’d act very close with all of them but was a little weird towards me. She’d also been openly flirting with a particular guy on their school discord server despite everyone knowing she was already in a relationship at the time.
>>209396I’m afraid to admit this anon.
This isn’t even the first time he’s been wishy-washy about who he says he loves.
When we first met he was in a
toxic forced open-relationship with his ex so he’d tell me he still loved her. It wasn’t until a few months in our “relationship” that he realized she was
toxic and broke it off with her.
He also told me that before we dated he became infatuated with one of my friends for a week because she sent him a vaguely nice email before coming to his senses (context: my friend was a bit of a nutcase)
That’s why I can’t help but feel like he’s being impulsive with spontaneous love without really thinking things through (I also want to note this is his first female friend he’s had since me).
>>209399I haven’t thought of this anon. I want to believe this isn’t true because our last year together had been wonderful. We moved out together and spent all our free time together so I don’t want to think he was manipulating me. But I’ll keep what you said in mind and be more assertive and bring this up with him on Monday. If shows no remorse I'll end it myself.
No. 209401
>>209400I'm the first anon you're replying to, btw. This seems to be a reoccurring pattern for this guy to be infatuated by any woman who gives him the slightest positive attention. This is not someone you want to be in a relationship with, it will not work long-term (as evidenced by this whole situation). Can you really say, anon, even if he broke it off with this woman (which doesn't seem likely, by the way), that he wouldn't do this again in the future? Can you handle going through all that heartbreak, over and over? You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, not some dude with a wandering eye who won't even respect you enough to wait until you're separated to flirt with other women.
The fact that for the last year you've been having a great time with him makes it all that much worse; if he still catches feelings for other people, even when you both seem happy together, then it doesn't matter how much you try to improve your relationship, he'll always inevitably end up cheating again. The problem is
him. He may or may not be manipulating you, but he sure as hell isn't being loving to you or even respecting you as a partner. Damn reading this made me so angry anon, you deserve so much better.
No. 209404
>>209401Thank you anon, that really means a lot.
I've been calming down and I can now see how I was being so delusional. The warning signs have been there from the start but I kept suppressing these bad thoughts because I was desperate to keep him.
He was the only one that ever showed me any love or affection so I felt like for so long that he was all I could get. I’m not kidding when I say he was the love of my life.
I even had a gut feeling that he's been cheating on me with her over the last month yet I kept on suppressing those suspicions and tried so hard to keep him. Damn, I even remember the last weekend I saw him I felt so anxious and my heart kept racing cause I knew something was up.
What scares me the most is that I'm literally all alone now. He was my best and only friend and he left me in a vulnerable transition time in my life where I now have no idea what I want to do with my future.
I'm completely alone and am just coming to terms that my relationship of six years has been a lie.
No. 209409
>>209406This made me cry, I really needed to hear this thank you. I have my mom to reach out to. I also have my brother but it’s hard because he’s also a close friend to him. I lost all my close friends from high school after I started dating him and I’m now starting to think they may have distanced themselves from me because they saw our relationship was wrong.
I don’t want these last six years to be a lie and for nothing but at least I’m coming out of it knowing I did nothing wrong and was the only one actually capable of true love.
Now that I’m reflecting I’m remembering how I’d always request relationship advice online about the messed up things he’d do and despite everyone saying he was in the wrong I’d try to convince myself otherwise. Like for example I remember about a year into our relationship he asked me if I thought we’d attend each other's weddings so nonchalantly. It's incredibly heartbreaking.
The thought of being with someone else scares me even though I know I deserve better than him. From this point on I’ll start to learn how to feel better about myself and know my worth. Just in the last week I was starting to feel truly happy with who I am and where I want to take my life, so I don’t want this situation to hinder it. I’ll try to be strong.
No. 209412
>>209411I’m happy that my situation could help you. You’re completely right, don’t become dependent on him. Befriend people to have in your corner that aren’t just his friends. If I had someone to vent about these things sooner I wouldn’t be in this situation and I wouldn’t have been as delusional to let it go on for so long.
I now need to become my own person and make true friends that respect me again. I hope things continue well for you, I’ll keep you in my thoughts during this. Your words truly meant a lot.
No. 209413
>>209412My first response to you but I just want to say I'm proud you've gone from the rose tinted 'but we were so perfect, I'll never love anyone else' to being this realistic. Keep that energy up.
Been through something very similar. I was isolated when he moved us far away, he became my everything and then he just fell for the first woman who paid him any attention and he was ready to move in with her a week after our sudden break up. Tore my world apart but he was giddily in love while doing it. Infuriating, humiliating. I dont think my pain even registered with him. He just wanted me gone ASAP so I kept some dignity by ignoring my impulse to cling. I blamed myself but in reality that woman now has to live in fear of any woman who returns a friendly smile with this guy can 'steal him'. Its just a pattern some people live with and repeat. If someone does this once it's likely they will again.
I mean even if you fall out of love and start to like someone else.. a decent person will try not to hop straight from one to another in a rush. A small gap in between saves your partner a world of pain but they rush because it's lust fueled. They'll say it's deeper than that but it rarely is. Lust and attention from anyone new will do.
No. 209414
>>209413Thanks, it is also surprising to me how I went from hysterics to acceptance in such a short time span. I think It’s because deep down I’ve been preparing for this for a while (like I said I completely predicted this happening).
But man, I’m completely filled with rage now the more I think about it. I know I’m being spiteful but I hope their relationship crumbles. It’s still beyond me how both of them were contempt with ending happy relationships just to have their spur of the moment fling with each other. I also wish she knew that she’s not as special as she thinks she is right now. I know full well he would’ve quickly jumped at the chance of dating anyone else showing slight interest in him. The cycle is simply going to continue for him and I can’t ever see him truly falling in love.
I’m so angry for me and I’m furious for you to have to go through this as well. I’m baffled now how he thought we could remain close friends despite all this. I now just see this as another example of his manipulation. I also can’t tell if it’s better or worse that he seemed to know that what he was doing was wrong.
Next time we meet I’m doing to keep what everyone itt said and really let him know what I really think of him. At the very least it’ll give me some satisfaction that he’ll finally understand how horrible he’s made me feel during these years. He’ll have to live with the fact that he was the
toxic one for once in a relationship.
I’ll post an update for anyone interested come Monday if anything of value comes from this. Thanks again for all your kind words! We’ll get through this.
No. 209426
File: 1634219630497.png (125.48 KB, 419x257, 1589924312433.png)
anons how do I talk to my boyfriend about how attention-starved I feel without being accusatory? I just want to be cuddled and kissed and told I'm loved. we've had this discussion before, talked about love languages extensively, etc and he says he just seems to find it difficult to be outwardly affectionate. he goes through short bouts of being more cuddly, telling me he loves me, initiating sex often. but every time these happen I struggle to thoroughly enjoy the affection because I know eventually it will stop and I'll be left feeling emotionally starved. I feel like how I imagine someone who has been married for 40 years must feel, bored, depressed, growing resentful and irritable. today I snapped at him when he was being playful to annoy me because I just feel so underappreciated. it's hard because I know he loves me, he's not someone who would stay with me if he didn't, but I don't often feel loved. yesterday I messaged him asking if he wanted to come over and cuddle after a party we were going to and he told me it was too "forward". I'm exasperated but I love him and I don't want to leave him
No. 209434
>>209426Anon, past a certain point you have to come to terms with the fact that a man doesn't care enough to change for you. This is that time. It's been said a million times before, but if a partner really loves you, you can tell them something once and they will actually do it. They will want to make you happy of their own free will rather than having to be cajoled and convinced. By your own admission you have already talked about this multiple times, and he's not only not changing, but blaming you for desiring affection (which is a completely normal thing in a relationship). Him expressing that your perfectly human desire to cuddle is "too forward" is a little gaslighty. He could've just said he wasn't in the mood, or more sweetly, that he was too tired but would make it up to you later. Instead he doesn't want to compromise at all and acted judgmental towards you. He is the weird one, not you.
At this point you either accept that there's a mismatch here and find someone who has more similar desires or else stay in a relationship that will always be unfulfilling to you. There is nothing at this point that will magically convince him to change. You either settle or move on. Let me just add that people are typically on their best behavior during the early years of a relationship. If you already feel like you've "been married for 40 years [and are] bored, depressed, growing resentful and irritable" then imagine what it will actually be like in a few decades. Why waste the time? I promise there are better partners for you out of the billions of men in existence.
No. 209459
There are many great things about my bf but our conversations are so lackluster. I'd known him long before we've started dating, so I don't know what else I had expected. He's always been pretty reserved, not a talker at all. He got a bit more opened up once we got closer, but it wasn't some huge change.
Well, he would occasionally go on a rant or start a monologue about a thing I have nothing to say about, like one of his hobbies I don't share. But these don't even require my contribution. I would just simply react in some way or say a few words just to show that I'm listening. And that's what he does when I share my thoughts with him. He's just a taciturn person, that's all. We're so different in this regard. I didn't really notice it at the beginning, guess I was just happy to have someone to cuddle with, do some things together. But now I feel like an enormous part of my personality isn't needed or appreciated, it's like it starts to wither (sorry if it sounds too dramatic lol). Talking to friends doesn't help either. I wish it weren't that important to me, it seems kinda silly, but I have to admit I do feel dissatisfied. Is our relationship doomed?
No. 209465
>>209426 >left feeling emotionally starved. I feel like how I imagine someone who has been married for 40 years must feel, bored, depressed, growing resentful and irritable.This isn't just 'mismatched love languages' and asking to cuddle certainly isn't being too forward when you're dating someone. That's nuts.
I had a partner who became much less affectionate over time, not over a long time but only a year into living together. I wouldn't bombard him but I'd ask for cuddles when I absolutely felt the need to be cared for like that. He made me feel like a monster for saying "can we cuddle for a few mins" and he convinced me I was essentially asking him to move the earth and stars for me. That was the beginning of a range of different forms of emotional abuse. It all started with neglect. I kept trying to address the same old issue and eventually we hit the point where he'd argue for an hour rather than hug me for 2 mins. I felt worthless begging for any hint of affection from a man who claims to love me. Guy went on to cheat and I don't even know if the cheating started as early as the pulling away did. I'll never know because someone who denies you simple acts of affection while claiming to love you.. isn't an honest or reasonable partner who'll give you answers or be so considerate. They just don't give when they don't feel like it. And they'll use any excuse. Some men lose their cuddly side as soon as the honeymoon period is over and it's doomed from there on. They expect you to just deal with it because they lack empathy or concern for your feelings. He won't change if you've already tried and it has fallen on deaf ears.
The point that you're at right now isn't a normal happy relationship. You deserve to have a partner who will hold you and not tell you thats too much to ask for. It's one of the most basic parts of a romantic relationship. I would question if he honestly has romantic feelings at this point. But it's a need that you have and that you will always have and he's not fulfilling it. The best option is leaving. As much as you've said you don't want to, the sooner you leave the closer you are to meeting someone who'll want you and act like it.
No. 209519
File: 1634270262982.png (125.42 KB, 800x450, EK-l08_UwAAyjbN.png)
Hello anons … I need to vent for moment. I'm 19, my bf of 2.5 years broke up with me a week ago. We started dating when we were both 17. He was my first love, first boyfriend, took my virginity, basically my first everything. We spent nearly everyday together for those 2.5 years. I feel like i'm missing my other half. I just wanna drink my pain away and cry.
We argued often, but we were also happy and peaceful at times. I know I should think of the bad times and be glad its over, but i can't pretend. I still think about all the happy butterflies hes given me, all the nice things hes done for me, all the love hes shown me.
I wanna be optimistic, I think I'm a pretty girl. Men around me have already been trying to hit on me more knowing that i'm freshly single but I don't want anyone/anything else right now. I miss him so much. Were still friends and I know he still cares about me. I don't know what to do next from here.
Any breakup advice? Did some of you guys also experience a painful breakup from your first love? How did you move on? What helped you feel better?
No. 209523
>>209519I have to echo
>>209520 anon. Keeping in contact or staying friends isn't a great idea while the breakup is fresh. You need some time to reflect and recover. It doesn't mean you can't be friends someday in the future, and it doesn't mean you should focus on the bad so you can say "good riddance!" But you should try to meet some other friends, spend some time away from him, and focus on being happy independent from him. I'm sure if he is the loving guy you say he is, he will understand that you need some space to heal after this. Time will help as nona said and you'll still be able to look back on those good memories you shared without the pain you're experiencing now.
No. 209560
>>209459nonnie, are you me? My bf is just like this, and sorry to tell you, but he's autistic and has adhd. It's definitely to do with that imo. It bothers me so much when I feel I can barely talk to him about anything I'm interested in, he gives such mediocre responses and when he does talk, it's long drawn out monologues about interests I could not care less about, and because he's talking so in depth about something I know so little about, it doesn't stick and all I can do is sit there, smile, nod and let him finish. It's torture sometimes.
I'm thinking about breaking up with him as conversation just feels too important in a relationship, and it definitely hinders communication about more serious topics when you feel you can't even have a conversation about regular, day to day things.
No. 209567
>>209521I’m literally in the same exact situation but it was 8 years and we started dating at 16
Don’t have any friends, and the whole situation feels so messy and overwhelming so youre not alone
No. 209603
File: 1634335661655.jpg (129.76 KB, 750x726, EubOPrNUYAA_drS.jpg)
Hi anons, I'm such an idiot for letting my feelings get this far. I need advice. I'm 19 and developed a severe crush on a guy that's 29. We've been friends for a couple years after meeting him through a friend. This year I started slowly developing feelings for him, but like the past couple weeks it's so bad it completely distracts me all day. I'm a little autistic so developing crushes and feelings isn't a normal thing for me at all, to the point I feel like I'm going crazy that it's happening now, especially for someone that's actually 3D. He's pretty much the only real person I've ever gotten it this bad for, where my cheeks get warm and my heart beats faster just thinking about him. If it's not obvious at this point, no, I've never been in a relationship before. Even if he liked me back, I wouldn't know what to do.
The cons: his age, obviously. he's a couple states away. i have zero experience or frame of reference for relationships.
The pros: i always feel safe with him, he's strong and handsome, he inspires me to be better and helps me work towards it, he doesn't drink or do drugs, he's super easy to talk with and i can be myself, and he has similar hobbies and interests, and it seems like the places he wants to go in his life are really similar to mine, (and on and on, it feels like, but I'm probably looking through rose tinted glasses).
I don't even think he thinks or feels the same way about me, but I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm crippled with constant thoughts about hugging and kissing him. I used to think I couldn't get sexually attracted to actual people, but he even changed that too.
I don't think I can ever confess. I'm actually kind of terrified of it. I really like being friends with him anyways and I don't want to weird him out and drive him away. Getting rejected would just be super painful and embarrassing. If he does like me back, what even happens then?? Logistically that's a nightmare. I don't want a LDR and I know he's doesn't want one either. Plus, I don't even know how to be in a relationship in the first place or even be intimate at all.
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm visiting him soon so it's weighing on me. Should I just try to let the crush fade?
No. 209654
File: 1634378385514.jpg (11.96 KB, 275x234, 1634124306832.jpg)
Posted on the wrong thread… So…. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a stunning, absolute panty-dropper (not only by my standards) but shy and awkward bf (I attracted him by being a massive pick-me slut with issues). Nowadays, whenever we get intimate over the phone (if i'm not in the mood to video call) he asks me to tell him, in detail about the times i used to hook up with random guys (it was a dark period in my life) to get himself off. Despite the fact that this bothered me (I was raised by an overly-religious family) I oblige and tell him everything, even adding more spice details to get him going. What only puzzles me most about this recent development in our relationship is that he didn't use to be this way. He used to completely rage at the mere thought or notion of infidelity. I remember him getting very much upset and crying on the phone about my suggestion of seeing other guys to practice giving head to (College and strict Asian parents gave me less time to be a pick me slut and I only fucked about 3 guys before I met him- My pick me self thought this was still insufficient sex experience). He gave me the cold shoulder for about the whole day and nearly broke up with me. I felt touched (my insecure ass NEVER thought anyone, let alone someone like HIM would care about who I gave my body to) and told him I appreciated his concern. He initiated the reconciliation and I told him I wouldn't bring the idea up again. All things went well until my old hook up hits me up and we have a little, friendly back and forth conveesation. I tell him I've been working out to look good for my current, eye-candy of a bf, and he tells me to send a pic of my body and I do so (tummyabs.png) My bf snaps upon me relaying this news to him and angrily breaks up with me, calling me a slut and everything, despite me arguing that it was only friendly banter. He says he needs a break to think things through. Even though I knew in my heart I did no malice (maybe I just wanted a crumb of validation…) I still BEGGED for him to come back. Fast-forward to now, where he incessantly asks me to tell him about what me and my old hook-up did to get him off during sex, saying things like "how good would it be if I jacked off to a sextape of you sucking him off like a little slut?". Is there something truly suspicious going on in here nonnies? Is he playing reverse psychology mindfuck games to hide the fact that he wants to double down on my so-called "cheating behavior" by "cheating" of his own? Or am I simply blowing things out of proportion? My paranoid self needs advice… Don't have much experience in the dating scene.
No. 209659
>>209658You must be joking? You're the cheater who wanted to suck random cocks for "practice" and sent tummy pictures to an ex.
Now he developed a way to cope with his fucked up relationship.
You should honestly be ashamed, shit like this really breaks a person.
No. 209660
File: 1634381615730.jpg (209.04 KB, 640x480, 1631032115431.jpg)
>>209654you are a certified retard, he explicitly let you know how his sense of intimacy is and your ass goes out of her way to to do things that hurt it - and you think a scorned moid will respect
your boundaries after that? bitch, an average male barely respects anything to begin with, you really done goofed
he's either playing a reverse psychology trp tier revenge trick on you or developing a serious cuck fetish, both of which you absolutely deserve, dumbass, welcome to hell
No. 209665
>>209660samefag after some other business, but my advice is this:
Confront him about this issue and straight up ask if he's doing this intentionally to make you feel guilty or weird. Apologize for every bit of your disrespect and ignoring his boundaries, and whatever you do, do NOT defend any of your poor choices like you did in your post. None of that 'I meant no harm' bullshit, makes me sick to my stomach hearing a woman stoop down to making shitty excuses like the quintessential cheating porn addict moid. Every time you feel like excusing you pushing his boundary and disrespecting his intimacy, shut the entire fuck up. I'm being this intense about it because you need to get it through your skull. Just say it like it is: it's a you problem, you have an addiction to attention and you let it ruin this relationship and that you're sorry and you now understand how much you've fucked him up emotionally. Accept that he will have to go through an emotional recovery process.
From then on, you two will either work it out or break up. If he shows no signs of letting go of the cuck shit, it's over. You then know you've ruined it all and it's time to move on.
Never do this shit again.
No. 209667
>>209663>>209663>>209660>>209659>he explicitly let you know how his sense of intimacy is and your ass goes out of her way to to do things that hurt iti kinda don't remember him telling me he didn't want me to specifically "cheat"… he's just so reserved and quiet sometimes that i don't know what he thinks… he knows though that I am terribly insecure and always seeking validation (obviously).
But I guess these callouts are slowly making me put things into perspective…
>You should honestly be ashamed, shit like this really breaks a person.I could say he certainly has developed some trust issues along the way… not that I can blame him for them I guess… after the incident with me and my former hookup he angrily said he wanted nothing to do with me, but I sperged and went full out BPD, did vile shit like
slit my wrists, in which he ended up rushing back to my side and forgave me. We made up, but just as I thought I had seen the worst of his temper, little did I know that it would get only more worse from there, as he quit his part time job and started hanging out in a certain porn discord server a lot. On top of that he would get mad and ignore me for maybe 2-3 days, just right after reassuring me the night before he would never leave me again. It just drove me insane and
triggered my BPD to get him back.
After one notable fight, he got tired of my self-harm hullabaloo, blocked me from discord, and proceded to chat up this girl and they exchanged nudes (I stalked him on the server he was on…). 2 embarrassing server bans, 2 powerpoint presentations, about 4 alt dms later, I got him back, but still, STILL, this ntr cuck fetish persists… I honestly thought he got it out of his system by talking to that girl but it doesn't seem like it… I honestly don't know what to do…it's just getting bothersome at this point…
No. 209673
>>209669I know this seems hard to believe but: I didn't want it to come across as cheating… I geniunely just wanted to improve my head game lol. Besides, he already got himself off on a conversation about my past sexual experiences with my ex (he was kinda
abusive) before my "suggestion"
No. 209674
File: 1634389077197.jpg (9.22 KB, 228x217, 18033045_1781847658796569_7677…)
>>209673>I geniunely just wanted to improve my head game lolYou're either fooling yourself and trying to fool us too (protip: it's not working, sounds disingenous as fuck)
or you're a genuine mentally challenged individual who should be accompanied by a personal assistant at all times.
I do not know how you survive in the real world.
No. 209679
>>209675Then just confront him about how this cuck thing makes you uncomfortable and that you suspect that it's getting worse because you hurt him. Also let him know that you suspect that he's escalating it on purpose to make you uncomfortable in revenge. Lay it out that you want to work on this together so you could have a mentally healthy future together.
Got nothing else for you. Help your dumbass selves or break up. I'm grateful I know neither of you weirdoes.
No. 209681
>>209654What a ride, kek. Sounds like you broke him and he became a cuck to cope. At least break a guy next time in an actual satisfying way, like making him your slave or something.
>>209680He's not even your boyfriend and he's already demanding your time and attention. Stop talking to him.
No. 209694
>>209683>>209681thanks for advice
>But if you're already done with him anyway, it doesn't really matter does it?eh. im not really that interested or looking for anything rn but since he asked me out first i thought i could get some dating "experience" from him. It sounds more demanding in my language so i guess ill turn him down.
No. 209726
File: 1634412547633.png (38.97 KB, 984x914, 1605903492216.png)
For years I haven't dated because none of the guys i met lived up to my standards and I refuse to settle. Then this past year I meet a guy who checks off ALL of my boxes and more but I don't check off his, or at least not all of them it seems. My self-esteem has plummeted and I want to know how to get over it/him. For now I've cut contact from him but he wants to remain friends so i'm taking this time to build my confidence and make it impenetrable for when i resume talking to him –if i still want to by then– as i think it's what'll help the most since the root problem seems to be my confidence. What i tell myself is that if he got with me he would be the one settling, and ask myself whether i would ever do that? absolutely not. I guess before I was "fine" with myself because I thought I was good enough for someone like him, but I never stopped to think whether I was content with myself, and only now that i find someone like him and it turns out i'm not enough for them am i realizing i was never really fine with myself. Difficult to put into words exactly. I guess I made myself vulnerable by not working on the things i needed to on myself to feel internal happiness and looking for external happiness despite. I never paid any mind to muh love yourself first and foremost! and damn does that seem to be the most crucial component to this whole love thing. I'm open to advice/suggestions
pic unrelated
No. 209733
>>209726My advice is just not to stay friends with the guy. You have feelings for him, you got rejected by him and it hurts.. staying friends after that rarely leads to anything good.
In a way your confidence actually sounds good because you refuse to settle.. his rejection hitting you hard just shows you're human. Rejection rattles everyone. I think the important thing is just moving forward without dwelling on him too much.
No. 209736
>>209726Out of curiosity, what didn't you live up to anon?
I would say definitely still avoid remaining friends as much as possible. At least for now while the wound is still fresh. Is there something or people in your life you could completely immerse yourself in for a while? I like getting hooked into a book when I'm going through it but it depends on your hobbies
No. 209738
>>209726What boxes did you not tick then, if you don't mind me asking? If it's something stupid like age or the shape of your skeleton, then you know you're gonna get over it pretty soon just by the power of being annoyed.
However, if it's something you thought you had going on (like a skill or an intellectual pursuit or something), we're moving onto a territory that's a bit more difficult, because technically you'd have room to improve if not for him / guy like him, then for your own benefit or enjoyment. Of course you'd take a hit from someone you readily fancy implying you're not enough, anyone would feel shot down no matter how good they are at xyz.
Anyway if it's absolutely not something you can improve in a way that's also meaningful for yourself, don't even stay in contact with the guy. You've already been rejected, it hurts you clearly and it'd seriously suck if you developed a performer mindset where you subconsciously feel like you need to impress him.
No. 209744
>>209726>I guess I made myself vulnerable by not working on the things i needed to on myself to feel internal happiness and looking for external happiness despite.>and damn does that seem to be the most crucial component to this whole love thing.This is a meme and only applies for people with literally 0 confidence for a scrote to fill the void. Wanting a good partner/relationship is a very normal and healthy desire. You don't have to wait until you feel like you've worked on yourself enough (what the fuck does that even mean, do things because they feel right and they make you happy, not because you need to live to some imaginary standard). Tired of the dumb new age line of thought where you can't care about the ~external~, what nonsense.
>>209733>In a way your confidence actually sounds good because you refuse to settle.. his rejection hitting you hard just shows you're human. Rejection rattles everyone.100 times this. Just because you experience doubt doesn't mean you don't love yourself.
No. 209748
File: 1634415240544.jpg (18.54 KB, 377x377, 4851148.jpg)
>>209733thank you so much!, and we were really good friends, my feelings for him just got in the way, I think once i have my emotions under control our friendship will be as meaningful as it was meant to be.
>>209736>>209738There are a couple of things i'm thinking of, one of them I can't change, which is my race, lol. I'm not going to say how i know exactly that he
may be racist, but I found out he's not into racemixing, because of "cultural differences". He sent SO many mixed signals when we first met, like he was struggling with liking me/coming to terms with it. I know i'm going to get a lot of flack from you guys for still liking him after finding that out (trust me i beat myself up over it all the time too), but i truly believe he was radicalized.
The other thing is that i told him when we first started talking and he asked is that i never want to get married. After i got to know him i changed my mind to not wanting to marry until i at least graduate, but he never asked again so didn't tell him.
>>209744I'm not happy about where i am in life right now though, not trying to live up to a standard. I'm also not happy with the issues i have which make me really clingy, needy, insecure, and afraid of abandonment.
On the other hand you guys are prob right and i'm simply having a hard time coping with the rejection. I tell myself just like not everyone checks off my boxes, I can't check off everyone's, but it isn't helping. Maybe I should just try a bit longer? It's not like it isn't true, It's more like I can't accept it atm.
No. 209751
>>209748>raceWell, it's his loss then, especially if he displayed signs of liking you at first. If he's not making an exception of his standard on you, you probably don't want to be around him anymore now, do you?
The marriage thing you already know yourself; you did a little bit of re-evaluating on your own, and gave up the 'never' stance. Again, you might not want to care about his opinions too much if he's uninterested enough to not return to the topic just to see what you think.
Turning off your feelings like a switch is impossible unless you're a literal psycho. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You were literally just attracted to a person. This is gonna suck for a little while, but you already know you're good without his help.
No. 209753
>>209751he brought it up like two or three more times after the first, but all before i changed my mind about it
The marriage thing I re-evaluated after the last time he had brought it up, asking something along the lines of "well what if he's perfect and meets all your expectations, giving you what you want and need etc?" I hesitated a bit but still replied with "um, yeah no i still would not marry him". Afterwards I thought about it more and realized why i was so afraid of marriage. I feel like I have no control in a marriage, it's hard to explain. Then i thought, what would make me feel more comfortable with marriage? and I realized having a degree and thus a means through which i could earn money on my own/be successful would make me more at ease, since I wouldn't depend on my husband.
>you already know you're good without his help.thank you for the reminder
nonny!
No. 209764
>>209081Hahahaha
Sucks to be you I guess
No. 209804
>>209770You complain you feel neglected because he works a lot but when he proposes to do something (hike or watch a movie) you reject nor do you want to plan "too far in advance", huh what? Also it's reasonable he gets upset when you cancel previous made plans.
You come across as unreliable and difficult to make any plans with, no wonder you feel "neglected" when you make it so difficult for yourself and him.
>And then I'll see him excited or passionate about something and I'm drawn in again. He's just such a downer.You're the downer really.
No. 209825
>>209770 > He spends all his time working so I'm feeling kind of neglectedDo you work aswell? Does he work longer hours than you? I've been with someone who worked long hours and had a long drive home after work so when he wanted to watch something at the weekend it was because during the working week he basically had no time in the evenings to get a full film in. It was his only chance. I'm not saying you should sit through hours of films you hate either but ime dreading weekends together when at least one of you should really be dying for the weekend.. is a pretty bad sign.
I feel like life is too short to be ruining each others weekends instead of makng them better. If you can't find a happy compromise for you both then you might just be happier broken up.
No. 209865
File: 1634504103014.jpg (23.21 KB, 376x391, Waitingfordate.jpg)
It's been over 2 months since my friend asked me out on this so called "date" that we were going to do in September but he said that he's too busy last month. I'm assuming he would do something this month but he's been busy with work and being out with his friends.
I honestly do want to go out for drinks with him but I don't want to do anything with him until we have the date. I have been hinting it to him everytime he talks about meeting up for events and drinks but when I do he's like "will do" or "yeah".
Am I pushing this "date" thing too much on him? Should I stop mentioning it and continue to be busy? I only mentioned it to him 3 times.
He was the one who said that he spent the past 2 years trying to work out how he feels about me and the last few months on deciding on if he should ask me out on a date to his close friends and colleagues.
No. 209889
File: 1634516604036.jpg (4.12 KB, 100x94, 1633503776456.jpg)
Please help me out…
>broke up with online bf that I was with and lived with for 6 years
>the spark was gone and we felt like friends who had sex (sometimes) and had no common interests
>we had amazing times together but it just kind of ended and I moved back home
>I dream about him constantly feeling guilt
>I have a BF now (online) who works for me and we have the same way of showing love and interests
>my ex still talks to me
>messages me about wanting to fix things and how I'm the only one
>instantly feel regret and depression
I don't know if he was the one for me and I'm going to regret not being with him. He was my first love and my first relationship ever. I got into a relationship right after and I'm also not sure if I didn't give myself time to be alone… I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. We had so many amazing times but most of it was just me being dragged around when I think back on it. I really miss him yet I know we don't fully get along… Everything is so convoluted…
No. 209901
File: 1634526169144.jpg (34.3 KB, 550x366, Eif5bb-VoAIbxsj.jpg)
>>209389I'm this anon for anyone who remembers. I’m still battling through this, and I think I'm finally seeing the end.
I was doing really bad for the first two days and asked if we could just meet on the weekend to get it over with. He instead suggested I message him what I’d like to say since he’s cooling off. I really went in on him, saying how I think he’s a coward with no self control, and how I don’t have faith in his new relationship.
He didn’t respond for a couple days and just now responded essentially saying he’s made the decision and now can’t go back. He said he changed and didn't discover it until he was away from me, and being with her helped him find that out faster. He also said he wished he went about this better and that this would’ve happened eventually anyways (??)
Now I’m emotionally numb and clueless. He’ll be coming over to collect his things and have a final talk/goodbye to me. I ended up caving and writing about how much he meant to me, and that if he’s confident in his decision then I want him to be happy. Just trying to end things nicely on my part I guess.
He seems emotional about this too but I can’t quite tell. He says he feels bad hurting someone that meant so much to him and that this has been hard on him.
You anons were probably right. I probably fought this harder than I should have and did all the wrong things. He probably now thinks of me as a loser and a pushover and is happy he’s away from me. I wasn’t even like that in our relationship, I always gave him space and was level headed with my emotions. I just got desperate for some kind of positive outcome. I wanted him to see what he’s lost but I don’t think he even cares and I just wasted my time.
I let you guys down.
No. 209916
>>209812It sounds like you’re feeling
emotionally neglected and that the issue here is he doesn’t seem to listen to you or care about your hobbies or actually take any input from you on what you guys do. I’m gonna disagree with the prev anons and say I don’t think you’re entirely the problem here at all, he does sound like kind of a dick. I mean, if you’re having fun with your friends and realizing how sad you are around your boyfriend, clearly there’s a real issue here. I don’t think there’s much advice I can give here though, because honestly if a man won’t even listen to you when you’re trying to plan fun things to do together, I doubt he’s gonna be any better when you’re asking him to start listening to you, and it sounds like you’ve already tried plenty. It also sounds like you’ve adjusted your behavior a lot for him, trying not to plan ahead in case something comes up because you know he’ll throw a fit, but from how you’ve described his reactions, he doesn’t seem to particularly care about what makes you upset. I know this probably isn’t what you want to here, but I think you guys just aren’t happy together and you should probably dump him.
No. 209917
>>209901Serious breakups like this are hard and can bring out emotions and reactions you don't expect. Don't be too hard on yourself, anon.
The important thing is that you were strong enough to go through this this breakup now instead of dragging out a dying relationship for another year like a lot of other women, unfortunately, would. I've done this myself because I was afraid of hurting the other person and it was just miserable for both of us.
Whether he thinks you're a loser or not doesn't matter; you're your own person getting a new start and you don't need to bog yourself down on the "what ifs" of a person that isn't going to be in your life anymore.
It's better to cut the cord now and, while it'll be miserable for a period, you'll be so happy you did and will have a great fresh start.
No. 209943
>>209874>>209873>>209869Thats what I thought, even though I'm busy I told him months ago that if someone asked me out on a date I'd either make time around my schedule or book some time off for it. I tend to be the ones who make plans for things so I thought it was nice that he would plan it but yeah I dont think I'm much of a priority.
To be honest I feel like most of the guys I met up with/ I'm interested in just want to fuck me or have some sorts of friends with benefits, a lot of them are time wasters.
So yeah I'm just gonna keep myself busy and meet up/go on dates if someone invites me out, like the date I have tomorrow.
No. 209969
Nonas, help me out.
I went out on a date with this guy from an app 2 weeks ago and we just had wine at a bar, we talked and went along fine except he sexaulized my job at one point (porn reference) and I ignored it. He wanted a kiss before we parted ways and I just gave him a peck on the cheek. During the date he was very touchy feely, like he wanted to compare hand size and arm size which I don't mind, but I kept my cool, just had 1 glass of wine while he had 2.
Fast forward, he asked for a second date scheduled 2 days later, I told him that was my birthday weekend so no. Then I didn't hear from him again for 4 days (he did wish me happy early birthday during our 1st date).
4 days later he wanted to schedule the 2nd date (this was midweek and he wanted to meet up htat weekened) I told him I'm busy and that we can meet next week during the week. We scheduled a date.
Then I didn't hear from him at ALL. Like no text that read "hope you had a nice weekend" or something like "Hi, how are you!"
So I have the date in 2 days and I'm not feeling this guy becasue he comes across as iffy, he never texts me asking if i'm ok or anything. I texted him today something like "hey, hope you had a nice weekend, I haven't heard from you at all…." and he replied that he was "busy". Busy for what? Sending a "how are you" text takes 2 seconds. I responded with cancelling the date because I wasn't feeling him. Did I do the right thing?
By the way, this guy is way below my league, he's not even that attractive, but he has money and elite education.
No. 209999
>>209969This seems so unnatural. Why would he wanna go out again if he doesn’t even care how you’re doing or how your birthday was? I think
>>209995 is right. Being so touchy on the first date is a huge turn off anyway.
No. 210006
Update. I removed and blocked his number but I forgot to delete him from the app and he wrote a long messages about how he didn't message me between dates because "women don't like needy men", that I hurt his feelings and that I should explain what he did wrong. It's funny how the messages rain in when you cut them off. Before, his messages were brief and to the point. No emotion. I just unmatched him lmao. The messages are in a different language so I wont post here.
>>209995This. I know he just wanted sex, I felt it during the first date.
>>209985>>209990Yup, thanks for the re affirming my gut feeling.
>>210003It was cringe as fuck. I just looked at him like wtf. He is a massive coomer.
>>209999Right? It was weird as fuck.
No. 210015
>>210006I don't think sending you a handful of messages to wish you a nice day (or a nice bday) across a 2 week period would be anywhere near being needy, not by anyones standards so that doesn't add up.
It's more likely that he's picking up shitty tips about how ignoring women will mess with their confidence and get him laid quicker. I love seeing it backfire.
No. 210033
>>210017Lmao you’re reminding me, I dated a guy sort of like that. He was impressed by my low number and said it was rare, yet expected me to hop into bed with him on the 2nd date. He proceeded to tell me “you know, most men think that a girl isn’t really interested if you don’t have sex by the 3rd date” after asking how long it’s gonna take in an annoyed manner.
He was VERY pushy about sex and tbh I’m lucky I wasn’t SA’d looking back. He was rude to his mother and very dismissive of everything I liked, so all around he was a piece of shit. Fuck moids like that, they’re the bottom of the barrel.
No. 210085
File: 1634644305378.jpg (20.32 KB, 496x356, EkgF3ShXgAAMLpv.jpg)
My boyfriend left me last week. He bought an engagement ring a couple months ago and he was going to propose this month. We talked about the proposal a few days prior to the breakup. We were going to move in together next month with my daughter from a previous relationship. It was my own fault, I took our relationship for granted and criticized him constantly for "not loving me enough" when really I just didn't love myself. I've got myself in therapy to work on my self esteem now, but holy shit I just want my partner back. He cried, said he didn't want to do this, and that he'll always love me. I've gone no contact, do you guys think he'll come back? I know I should be trying to move on but I just can't bring myself to do it. My whole future was taken away so quickly.
No. 210112
>>210085Anon we can't guess or theorize if he may come back with the little information you've provided.
You should probably focus on yourself, your therapy and creating a stable future for you and your daughter. Pining after your ex and hoping he'll come back won't do that.
No. 210135
>>210091>>210099>>210112>>210091He never gave me any kind of an ultimatum or sat me down for a serious talk about how it was affecting him. He even asked my sister if she would babysit some night soon so he could propose.
It started with me telling him over text that I didn't feel loved and I needed more from him (yes I completely realize my mistakes, he was already going above and beyond for me). He said didn't want to talk over text and that he would see me in a few days after work. Mostly silence from him the whole time, he had never gone silent on me before. I messaged him after a couple days and said that I wanted to fix things and he said that he did too, but he still wanted to talk in person instead.
After 3 days of silence he came over and broke up with me. He was crying, telling me that he'll always love me and that he didn't want to do this. He said that he did want to fix things when he said it, but that he had changed his mind that day.
I asked him why he couldn't give me a chance now that I knew the seriousness of his feelings and he said he just couldn't. I suspect that it's because it would be a lot messier if he wanted out after we lived together.
I messaged him a couple days later and said "I regret how I responded, this needed to happen. I wish you the best." he said "I'm sorry, none of this was what I wanted. I will love you always and wish you the best too"
So we haven't talked since. I definitely won't reach out to him but, yeah.
No. 210164
hey farmers, i'm a 26 year old woman and my problem is that i'm not able to get into a relationship. i get attention from men, because i'm objectively pretty, but they always lose interest in me after awhile. i'm talking about weeks, so everytime i've liked a guy, he was interested in me aswell at first, but then something happens and they say it's not my fault, but they don't want a relationship with me. it happened so often, that i'm losing hope. i wonder if i'm unlovable as a person and if i should just give up and ignore it when a guy is interested in me. i'm somewhat socially awkward, but i know lots of women who still get boyfriends despite being a bit weird. i honestly almost start to cry if i think about it. it feels like god decided i'm not meant to be happy. at this point i consider myself a femcel. my standards aren't high, i'm speaking of average to below average men who just don't want to commit. i'm wondering if spending my life on my own would be a better idea than to keep dating men who don't want me anyways. is there anyone who can relate?
No. 210174
>>210142>>210135>>210140I'm sorry anon but this just doesn't sound right. Are you sure he was actually planning on proposing?
I understand confidence issues driving a wrench in relationships, my own partner has made vocal about how my doubts can sometimes put him in a negative mindset too, but his response isn't to go no contact for 72 hours straight. We have a real conversation and he asks me what I need from him to feel more secure and loved, and he is always checking in on me.
Neediness doesn't suddenly spring up overnight, and unless the ring was a hand me down, engagement rings aren't purchased on a whim, so it isn't like he was thinking of the proposal without realizing your negative qualities.
Marriage is a big deal, by proposing to someone you're agreeing to be by their side forever, in sickness, in bad times. If an instance of you feeling insecure and unloved causes him to do something so drastic, how is he going to shoulder the responsibilities of marriage?
No. 210179
>>210164I can relate. It's not your fault, the vast majority of men are looking for a good time and when they see you're not easy they ghost. Which is actually not a bad thing, trash taking itself out. Holding a relationship as a carrot on a stick while getting sexual satisfaction from you is the goal of most men especially in online dating and they will have strategies to jump ship if it doesn't go their way. But don't let it start you on the path to self loathing. We just have to wade through shit and hope we find someone legitimate. If not, whatever. Just don't settle and sleep with these guys in the hopes of sudden commitment one day.
Don't think of yourself as someone who can't get a relationship. You're worthy, they just can't handle that type of responsibility sadly. However that self pity will just grow and grow until you're stuck and your personality will reflect that misery, making things harder.
As for being alone, it beats being stuck with a loser below your league who thinks
he settled for
you and refuses to make you happy. The type of guy who whines about valentines day. Some women have it real bad and even have a kid with guys like this. Just lurk subreddit like relationshipadvice, and you will quickly learn to enjoy your own peace.
No. 210186
>>210085Without reading any replies yet it sounds like he wasn't really going to propose and or has some mental issues of his own to deal with. Like how do you go from proposal to leaving someone within the same week.
Someone else might be in his ear or he's getting bad advice from someone, but veering between extremes like this is a bad sign whatever the reason. It doesn't sound like it was your fault at all.
No. 210211
>>210164Are you kinda guarded/keep your feelings to yourself anon? I had a similar problem but I didn't really want it to get serious with anyone so I kept alot to myself. When people see you aren't putting yourself out there like they are they back out
Sometimes you could really want to get to know the person but are too scared of being hurt to open up. So maybe they start telling you about themselves but you are vague w your life story (maybe out of fear of scaring someone away if you don't want to bring up "baggage").
I've seen girls of all types of personalities get bfs/gfs I don't think anything is wrong with you. It may just seem like your not interested if u don't open up. It will be ok anon and maybe also you could just be meeting duds idk. Maybe you aren't setting standards high enough or theyre too high for the guys you meet so they leave. I'm not sure. Sorry I'm kind of autistically guessing I'm stoned lol but ya nothing is wrong with you. I didn't have a real bf till I was 22 lol. Also awkward but preferred girls so it turned alot of guys off. There's somebody for everybody anon don't beat urself up
No. 210238
anons I think I have to leave my bf. I posted earlier itt
>>209426 about feeling emotionally starved and we had a long phone call last night about it where I finally got it out of him that he doesn't want to move in with me anymore even though it was his idea. I feel like it would save me a lot more stress and pain if we broke up, but I am a HUGE BPD-chan and breaking up with someone I really love feels like it would send me into a spiral of shit mental health because I hate being alone. How do I stay true to my needs without making a rash decision and giving myself even more pain?
No. 210309
>>210294Not sure if that's what happened here, but in general I agree.
>>210306Nta but why are we talking about going back? Anon who said she didn't agree didn't say anything about that.
No. 210329
>>210243 > I want him to come back to a healed version of meI think you'll know that you're making improvements when you let go of him, that is imo step one of your healing.
It's very early days right now so your current thoughts are to be expected. I think we've all been there right after a break up but you're entertaining thoughts that will only stop you from healing if you don't push past them. Be single, stick with your therapy and do it solely for you, and even your daughter. Think of how forced or on and off again relationships certainly don't have good effects on children who have to witness it.
No. 210476
File: 1634882560160.jpeg (57.11 KB, 1200x628, squid-game-1.jpeg)
I was the lower option for a guy. Told me she was out of his league, and now that it seems like he has a shot at her, it seems like he's left me in the dust. Completely. Free world, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel like shit, cause I do knowing that I was a side piece. A backup. No rage at all to her– just me for having false hope when there were so many issues out there in the open all because he was a little nice. Because I was physically attracted to him.
I'm fucking done.
I'm not a second option. I can and will do better. Friends is inevitable, but I won't play his games. I cannot.
Fuck this shit I have to hang out with him again soon with the girl first on his plate. I don't have any animosity towards her – just him. I think he knows that I'm sick of his shit tonight. I just couldn't fucking take it tonight in particular. How do I deal with this in the smoothest way possible? Ignore him if he tries to be physical again? Not really reach out altogether?
No. 210508
File: 1634911150112.jpeg (296.36 KB, 1024x682, gettyimages-614042900-1024x102…)
I've met a guy who's very sweet, empathetic, respectful, calm, down to earth, chill to be around and has a great sense of humor. Basically, I just really like his personality and we get along so well… but… he's ugly. It's nothing in particular like his hair or style or eyes, he's not unhygienic either… It's his whole face, it's unfortunately just not appealing to me in the slightest.
Has anyone here ever dated someone you weren't physically attracted to? How did that go?
I've already told him that I am not looking for a relationship, but I really like him as a person. I'm not REALLY reconsidering it, but, I don't know, I guess I just want to find out if I'm shooting myself in the foot by being shallow. (I also know that he deserves to be with someone who finds him attractive.)
What do you anons think? I would like to hear some opinions about dating someone you would consider unattractive physically.
No. 210539
>>210523I don't know, man. What if he would ask me "do you think I'm hot/good-looking?" one day, would I have to lie to him or hurt his feelings by telling him the truth? I just think that he's a stand-up guy and really sweet and funny and that's pretty rare, but it's not like I think he's just a bit meh, I literally think he has an ugly face. I wish I didn't, and I hate myself for even writing that out, but I do.
>>210525Maybe, maybe.
>>210536I mean, we haven't really hung out one on one yet, we've only met with our mutual friends around. We got along very well (and have made out drunk at one point) but not in the "it just clicked instantly and I knew he was the one" kind of way. I don't really know how well you're supposed to get along with a person for it to be considered "having chemistry". (I know that sounds autistic but I swear I'm not.)
I also just got out of a relationship half a year ago so I don't really want a relationship rn, unless it's an instant connection. I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing or being shallow, since I have some type of warm feelings for him.
No. 210586
>>210584Going out of your way to berate him is lame tbh, less insulting more telling him he lives in your head rent free. Men want your emotional energy even when it's negative, don't give it to him.
Telling him something innocuous like how you only see him as a friend or don't feel a spark is probably gonna hurt him more, incels know that's code for 'you're a beta and I want chad' but it also doesn't come across as you caring too much about him.
No. 210591
>>210587Seriously anon, you're too invested in this guy. He's already won by making you care, it sounds like you're hung up on him even if you claim to dislike him.
Ghost him for your own sake.
No. 210684
>>210676I have been in your shoes. Tell him - don't explode on him, but tell him what bothers you. Practice in advance how you're going to tell him, so he doesn't think it's just a momentary thing (which he will if you explode on him). Find a way to express your feelings, and do it.
You can't "cope" with it, if you don't respect him, then you don't respect him and it sucks being in such a relationship. But respect his feelings and your time together and yourself enough that you try to explain to him, calmly, what bothers you. That way, when you leave him, it won't be out of the blue, which he doesn't quite deserve if he is a good guy, and you will feel guilty if you don't at least try to say something, I guarantee that.
No. 210685
>>210676Are you truly stuck there or have you family to stay with?
If you're saying you're repulsed by him then that sounds like it'll lead to some serious resentment in no time.. he's not
abusive which is good but shit tends to still hit the fan when you're living with resentment. Do both of you a favour and give yourself a kick to go find somewhere else.
No. 210745
File: 1635047748161.jpg (16.15 KB, 360x352, IMG_20190203_114652.jpg)
I have never ever ever had a boyfriend… How do I even get one these days? I have graduated and only have 1 close friend + family. I have thought about asking my parents for advice but one side of me tells me that I should never do that and they'd think Im pathetic for it.
Im not fat but not vuloptuous either. Not pretty but not ugly either I don't think. Im just plain in every regard if I am being brutally honest. I always thought some day a guy would introduce himself to me but it hasn't happened yet and Im almost 20
No. 210772
>>210768>Do I just have an honest conversation with him? I'm active, I eat healthy, I take care of my body- and I want a partner who does the same.Yes. Let him know that you're all that and you expect it back.
Was he fit when you started dating and did he let himself go or was he always fat and lazy?
No. 210773
>>210772No, we met during quarantine, so we were primarily talking on the phone or voice chat.
I didn't think it would be such a big deal, and it really wasn't at first. We still had sexual chemistry and stuff. It's just with time it has started to bother me more.
No. 210778
>>210768being nice with your damn partner should be considered the bare minimum,
nonnie. The bar is so low physical attraction is not even required anymore? Listen to your body and don't force yoursefl only because you feel guilty pls. I don't think you can change that aspect of him with any conversation. I'd also suggest you avoid telling him brutally cause he was like that before and it's not his fault if you changed your mind. just tell him there's no more chemistry and leave, you've not been together for too long don't waste more time (his and yours)
No. 210781
>>210773Yea
nonny if he was fat already when you met you kinda knew what you were getting into. If he's never expressed a desire to get in shape, then talking to him likely won't change that. Just break up and don't date anymore fatties. Neither of you seem at fault here but sometimes after the honeymoon phase you realize you're just not right for each other. You'll find a nice man who isn't fat and he'll find someone who likes fatties.
No. 210796
>>210773Dunno anon, if you've only been together since quarantine (how long is that depending on where you are, a year and a half max?) you may want to reconsider if you shouldn't just cut your losses before your time-investment becomes too large and put that into chasing a man who is fit and attractive. You can try but I'm sure you can see how he'll be little motivated to become fit when he knows already got you when he was fat. It's such a waste of your time to be involved with a man you're not attracted to and in time you'll become greatly irritated by his behaviour.
Also recognize he IS superficial in terms of looks towards you and previous partners.
No. 210799
>>210795It's so fucking hard to find an attractive partner who is also kind and supportive and helpful. I feel like I've stayed in the worst relationships just because the guy was hot.
Whereas this is a good relationship but the guy isn't hot.
No. 210808
>>210799>I feel like I've stayed in the worst relationships just because the guy was hot. Also this time you're staying just because he's "nice". I'm sorry you've been treated so bad that finding someone that treats you nicely is seen as a catch in your eyes anon.
Being a lazy fatty has to be one of the worst qualities a decent human can have. Imagine being too lazy to look after your own health. Imagine being unable to put down that second burrito for your own good, or for your loved ones. Imagine. I guess you don't have to imagine because you're witnessing it with your own two eyes. Working out takes 1 (one) hour of your 24 hour days. Some people even only do 30mins and that's enough. The effects of eating good and staying active flip your quality of life completely backwards from how a dry-heaving fatty lives. Usually having a hot fit girlfriend is even more motivation to get yourself into shape compared to doing it for yourself on top of that.
No. 210818
>>210799are you hot yourself? like objectively hot to scrotes, not in the delusional "even the ugliest fattest greasiest woman is hotter than the average male!" way that's peddled on here. I've noticed from friends and acquaintances that people tend to pair off with someone who is relatively similar in attractiveness to them unless there's an extreme factor (i.e. one of them is filthy rich or famous or has an extremely shining personality). maybe you could try becoming more conventionally hot as well as very pleasant to be around so you raise your chances of attracting a guy who is both good looking and well adjusted.
that said I don't think there's at all a looks/personality tradeoff. in my experience generally ugly people are often stunted or bitter and attractive people are nice and normal.
No. 210848
>>210845You need more self-respect. Not a boyfriend. Seriously, this post reads like a r/relationshipadvice troll post with how many red flags there are.
Just in case this isn't a creative writing project:
>He's not monogamous, and has a lot of schizoid tendencies so communicating with him is hard and he is often neglectful and uncaring. So he's actively harmful and cold. Despite being long distance you still go out and visit him, indirectly rewarding his neglect towards you. Personality disorders aren't an excuse for treating your partner like shit. Either he needs to work on himself or he doesn't need to be in a relationship.
>after I came back from visiting him for the first time and wanted to go again, he said I could only go if another woman was there. He changed his mind about it eventually but it was really hurtful.So he floated the idea of you bringing him another woman to fuck, then rescinded when he knew it wasn't going to happen. And you're still with this guy?
>lately things have been nice and he's been spending a lot of time with me everyday and we haven't had an argument for a long timeIt's called a Honeymoon Period.
https://www.ywca-shr.org/understanding-the-cycle-of-domestic-abuse/
>Anyway recently I posted something on Instagram and a random guy asked me something about it, so I just looked at his profile and I was immediately really attracted to himIf you're so easy as to fall for someone at first sight through the internet, then you're not ready for a relationship. You don't know this man from Adam, and you don't even know if he likes you back. What you're feeling is infatuation. He could seriously just be throwing you baseline politeness, but since you're so used to your weird scrote of a boyfriend you're confusing it for something more.
>I just feel like I'm doing something wrong even though nothing happened and even though I know he talks to other women (but doesn't want me to talk to other men.)A grown woman can't be this naive. It sounds like you're in love with the idea of your/a boyfriend than the reality of it, and you've let yourself become attached to someone who genuinely doesn't mean well for you. Don't let yourself get sucked into the relationship sunk cost fallacy. It doesn't matter how long you've been together. 3 years, 3 months, or 30 years. He's emotionally abusing and taking advantage for his own gain. Doesn't it bother you that he doesn't want you talking to other men, but demanded that you bring him another woman just to get to see him again? He's probably one of those insecure neckbeards that gets off on hoarding female attention but wants his partner's world to revolve around him. You can do better than this.
No. 210853
>>210848Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately once I get attached to someone I find it really hard to move on, I'm sure it's partially sunk cost fallacy but also before my boyfriend I've never been in a relationship with someone I loved. He is the first person I'm really attracted to.
I don't think I'm infatuated with the other guy, it's only been a couple of days, I just mentioned the first sight thing because it pretty much never happened before, and I've been ignoring every man trying to talk to me since I have my bf, so it's just not usual for me.
I think the reason why things are better with my boyfriend is also because I learned how to deal with him more, he always called me out for being clingy (I don't think I am, but he can be so dismissive that he gets
triggered by any sign of wanting some affection, but also issues did build up when he repeatedly refused to communicate about things) - but since I started spending more time doing my own things he seems to want to be around me more. But at the same time, for a while I've known that we want really different things, it's just that he's really passive and doesn't do anything with his life so it doesn't really show. But I keep telling myself that I'll just do all the work, and it doesn't matter if I make most of the compromises because I feel happy with him or that I'm willing to give up some things I wanted from a relationship because being with him is worth it.
I'm sorry if I come across as really naive, I think the past couple of years kind of distorted how I see relationships, and now even things that are simple and healthy seem rare and impressive to me.
No. 210856
>>210853Yeah I'm with
>>210854 nonna, you're stupid as fuck. The more you tell us, the less intelligent you sound. You're dating an emotionally and mentally
abusive loser and framing it up like it's your fault he sucks. You guys probably deserve each other. I guarantee you only feel happy with him because you're the type who can't function without a boyfriend, no matter how shit he is.
No. 210858
>>210856Lowkey regret asking now. I had two relationships before him, and one of them lasted like a month and the other one lasted for two years. I'd say I spent the majority of my life not in a relationship and most of the time I wasn't actively looking for one. You shouldn't assume that this relationship is my whole identity, obviously I pointed out the
problematic things about it because I don't need advice regarding anything else. I don't think it's my fault he sucks, but if you actually understood
abusive relationships you'd probably remember that it's not easy to leave them
No. 210859
>>210858You’re fucking stupid. I guess there was no need for you to ask since you already clearly know he’s
abusive, you just wanted us to fawn and fuss over you before you go back and suck more schizoid chode. Fuck off dumb bitch.
No. 210861
>>210858>you'd probably remember that it's not easy to leave themYou're in a long-distance relationship with a scrote that neglects you, asked you to bring another woman to him, calls you clingy, etc. It's not like you're living with or financially dependent on him. You caught yourself almost trying to date someone that messaged you on social media. Just stop calling/messaging him. Trust me, he will not come looking for you. The power is yours.
If you were truly happy and secure in your relationship you wouldn't have posted here asking for advice. No adult woman is this willfully ignorant. I hope to christ this is just some bored scrote larping and not an actual person.
>>210860Nobody here needs to hurt your feelings. Your boyfriend does that for you just fine.
No. 210862
>>210858>if you actually understood abusive relationships you'd probably remember that it's not easy to leave themYou're right, it is often difficult to leave
abusive relationships, especially as a woman. But you're justifying his actions, your love for your abuser and your reasons to stay. Of course that won't gain respect here.
No. 210863
>>210861I obviously have issues but I literally never got as bothered as
>>210859 over a random post on the internet, and I think no mentally healthy person gets off on coming back repeatedly trying to insult someone. I mostly just read here, but legit every time there is someone who gets disproportionately
triggered by any random shit. I'm fine with it because obviously I don't expect people here to solve my issues, but sometimes people can be helpful. I have read a lot about
abusive relationships and having issues leaving and justifying the other person's actions are pretty standard I think. Random people getting angry over this is just weird to me. Sometimes it's just helpful to talk to strangers even if they are not qualified to help you, but that's all. If what I said is so offensive to people I'd rather they just ignored it, though it doesn't really matter
No. 210864
>>210863You are fucking stupid. You’re not trapped in an
abusive relationship you’re just a stupid retard with no spine.
No. 210880
I've been really confused what to do with this guy for a while now, we've been talking for 2 years everyday non stop (online) , were dating for 3 months at the start but then i stopped feeling the butterflies and had a major exam coming so I told him we should break up for now and found out about his anger issues, it got really ugly but we were both barely adult retards and I think he's learned to not be like that anymore. Anyway we just went through the block unblock phase for a few months untill I just accepted it's not possible for me to cut him off and I enjoy just talking to him so that's all I will do. He says he's really in love with me and that he's never had such a connection with anyone in his life (doesn't have any friends, autistic, very poor social skills, bullied etc etc) and I do feel like it is true but I just cannot accept someone like him, he's got his fair share of trouble but he's just way out of my league in every way, really handsome good body filthy rich kind of smart, while I'm just average and below average in almost everything and my family is really strict so I can't do a lot of things. Even when we were dating it always felt so uncomfortable when he would just be like don't worry about anything just be with me and I'll do everything for you it just feels so wrong. I've never dated anyone in my life I don't even talk to boys that much, if it wasn't for the internet I would have never even come across him, now that I'm finally moving away from my family he really wants to be together with me, but it still feels so wrong. He's willing to give up going to an ivy league for masters just to be in the same town as me. It's just not right, I enjoy his company a lot but I feel like if I actually start dating him again I'll just be crushed under the guilt of not being able to do anything for him in return and the fact that he could have had such an objectively better life if I just pushed him away.
No. 210883
>>210863You said it's difficult to leave
abusive relationships, but what is keeping you from leaving in your situation? Is he cutting you off from your family and friends? Is he physically abusing you to keep you from seeking help? Is he threatening you?
No. 210945
>>210933Thanks
nonnie. To be honest I’ve been super upset tonight because I worry he doesn’t see me that way and think he has been kind of distant with me since their break up. I don’t know if I’m wrong to think if he liked me more than a friend he wouldn’t be distant. He still talks to me and says nice things and has mentioned meeting up again soon but he doesn’t reply as frequently anymore.
No. 210950
>>210949It's typical, codependent, spineless women with utter trash for bfs ask for advice online and all they want to hear is the magic words to convince him to treat her with the slightest kindness so she doesn't have to leave him. The only good advice (dump him) is the last thing they want to hear.
Too bad there are no magic words, if he wanted to he would. He doesn't care about her, he doesn't love her, he knows he can get away with treating her like shit and she won't leave so he does.
No. 211049
>>211046That's what I thought. It honestly felt like she didn't understand how much those words can hurt.. and she tried to explain herself by saying she's been stressed lately. I told her she simply shouldn't have said that. She asked me if that means that I want her to lie?
Like, idk, yes?
No. 211052
>>211035Welp i tried explaining that I was unhappy because he was always picking on me and I'd like him to be nicer to me sometimes. Of course, upon hearing I felt like he didn't like me he sarcastically asked if he was supposed to just shower me in compliments all the time. A few other highlights were "its just a fucking lift", "why are you with me then" and said that hes just not like that and hes not a girl. He then said im only upset cos hes working a lot and I'm lonely. I corrected him, I have friends and ive seen a lot of them lately. I'm crying at this point and he's like stop shouting im not going to talk to you if youre shouting and im not even yelling im just sobbing. Anyways, im pissed and trying to avoid him because he's just shown me he is incapable of being nicer to me. Now he's just following me around the flat as I'm trying to avoid him. Genuinely don't understand how he can see me sobbing like I cant tell if you like me, youre always picking on me and never saying sweet things and he seems to think that he is the
victim. Genuinely considering breaking up. We fucking live together, im the lead tennant, but breaking up in this situation seems very difficult. But I'm miserable and he's kind of a bully I think
No. 211128
>>211052You know you were being entirely reasonable, and he's clearly having an unreasonable reaction. You just asked him to not pick on you, and you explained that it makes you feel unloved. He's choosing not to listen and not to care. Maybe he's too immature to understand how relationships work, or he's doing this stuff on purpose because it keeps him entertained? Both of these options suck and if I were you, I wouldn't want to waste time finding out which one is his case.
Get out of this relationship as soon as you can, preferably immediately. He sounds unstable and incapable of at least trying to prioritize your emotional needs. What you described is a bunch of red flag behaviors seen in various cluster B types. It all begins with the small stuff and the only thing that stays consistent is the pushing of your boundaries. Don't let him bully you into disconnecting from your needs and wants. You've been very gentle and affectionate with him, if he can't be bothered to return the same effort, he can fuck off.
No. 211151
>>211141>>211142I am being myself and when I start getting more into talking with them they disappear or start to play games (see my messages but reply next day for no apparent reason). They are always more active when I'm not interested. Like every time.
I guess I have to keep searching for a normal person…
No. 211180
>>211169NTA but the reason it works on men is because of scarcity
triggering something in their brain. I've been witnessing this game a long time. Basically they think:
Woman who's eager and always available= "must be low quality or desperate, I can go low effort and don't even need to take her on real dates or text back bc she'll probably still be there."
Woman who is difficult to talk to, expect more and ignores him= "wow she's so interesting and I wanna really win her over and fuck a challenge like her!!!"
So basically they're turned off by anyone who's actually find them deeply attractive lmao.
No. 211221
File: 1635378860033.jpg (44.44 KB, 768x1024, 325467.jpg)
How do I make a guy break up with me when he's "in love" with me? We work better as friends and I realize that now but I don't think he would want to go back if we do this. I want him to break up with me instead. It sounds silly but telling him this would break his heart. Should I tell him that I want a short break from relationship stuff? It's an online relationship.
No. 211240
>>211212Sounds incredibly
abusive anon. You did nothing wrong, that behavior is controlling and insecure.
No. 211320
>>211317This.
OP should break up with her bf so he can find a woman who deserves him. Also the worshipping and being a slave to your partner is the most pathetic, weirdest shit I've ever read. No woman would want to be with her.
No. 211349
>>210012>>210015Feel kinda wacky replying to semi old posts, but I just want to chime in on the topic because it's an infuriating affair overall. Another incredibly retarded thing TRPers do (and non trp men sometimes without understanding how damaging it is) is the dread games shit.
You see these retards raving mouth foaming about how it gets you more sex if you're not having enough and how it keeps your relationship dynamics "fresh", but these sons of bitches somehow manage to miss the crucial memo on things such as hysteric bonding at first and the eventual emotional tuning out as a coping mechanism. It's unsustainable and in the end gets you a sexually, emotionally withered up bitter companion or just a straight up breakup or divorce. These braindead faggots will do shit that, in the long run, interrupts their woman's sense of intimacy and desire - both of which are pretty much essential for a woman to be sexual with their spouse.
I should know, my husband fucking alienated me completely by doing shit that technically works the same as a dread game, even though he didn't mean it apparently. He really drove the point home by continuing to withhold any emotional intimacy or warmth even after I tried to save this shit by having more sex even if I didn't want to. Big mistake on my part, but I had intense feelings for him. Had. When I told him nothing has changed for the better for me and that I'm feeling distant from him, he was genuinely surprised because he retardedly had thought that because I let him put his penis in my vagina that everything is normal again (even though I had whole flashbacks, anxiety attacks and shit like that occasionally and he fucking knew).
Fast forward to now, all he caused with his stupid little stunt was that I have no illusions about respecting men anymore. I wholly see men in a different light these days, I see them for what they are. Because he gave me no support, my only support was pretty much radfem inclined online circles where I could go and relate freely and anonymously. I have developed vaginismus, and approaching my husband sexually feels unnatural now so I barely even do it. When I try it on the rare occasion he rejects me like a dumbass. Last time I asked him why he doesn't approach me I got some mumbling about how he feels undesired by me, which is incredibly ironic because that's the shit he did to me. The cherry on top is that after the hardest parts of self-loathing and re-navigating my situation, my sexuality reawakened in the form of vivid imagination. I'm empowered by the fact that I'm not dumb enough to go cheat and believe any other scrote would be better, I'm 100% satisfied by my own fantasies and I'm 100% at peace with how they'll never be real anyway. His dumb shit changed me for good as a woman, I had to realign and drop everything for him for a while, so if he wants to actually keep me he's gonna have to do it back now.
This sort of breaks my heart because we were supposed to be the couple who has their own little bubble world. We used to be that. Now, if I found out he's cheating on me, I wouldn't give a single fuck, I wouldn't even listen to him, I'd just leave and devote my life to 70
husbandos.
Now back to my point about the "dread game": how's that for a fresh fucking relationship dynamic? Completely devoid of closeness and intimacy? That good?
Men are fucking retarded. Don't get me wrong, I have faith in couples who clearly can somehow make it work and I love to see women manage to be happy with men, but men are so Goddamn fucking retarded holy shit. Especially the ones who think pushing their spouse away gets them fuckall. I know men don't read this but what I'm trying to say is pushing your woman away when she clearly wants you is a dumb bitch move, if a man does it he can only blame himself for the crappy outcome.
No. 211372
>>211369I cannot stand men. I consider it a blessing that I am bi and could spend most of my 20's with women. But I ended up engaged to what used to be a childhood friend, 100% male.
When I say I cannot stand men, I mean full on not leaving the house without being accompanied so I wont be harassed, always assuming the worst of men, feeling anxious if there is more than one man in a room with me bc the threat of being gang raped is goes off like alarms, etc etc
But this man really proved an exception.
The darkest thing I could dig up on him in my worst paranoia was that he is dumb as shit with money, but has gladly allowed me to handle the finances.
He stops during sex when I say so, is a little forgetful but not for important things, and understands that loud noises or certain tones will make me spiral, and knows how to give me space when I ask.
I still can't stand other men, though. He gave me a summary of Y the Last Man and I thought it sounded dreamy, and he agrees, he's very aware that most men are shit and doesn't hassle me for it.
No. 211391
>>211372He sounds somewhat based, especially by the last sentence.
Wish you both the best,
nonnie.
No. 211394
>>211372>He stops during sex when I say so,This is some exceptional thing? You would have to be really
toxic and low in standards to ever accept the alternative…
No. 211400
>>211369My father was always violent and would beat me and my siblings up for literally any reason he could think of, I've been mostly bullied by boys at school, one of my uncles was even more violent to my cousins on top of being an alcoholic, etc. so nothing as bad as what happened to you happened to me but I'm 27 years old and I'm too scared of men to be in a relationship. I'm a kissless virgin because of that. I look younger than I am because of hypopituiary
or whatever it's called in English and I've had a few men hitting on me because they thought I was in high or middle school even though they were always around my age, it always disguted me way too much to consider actively pursuing relationships.
Was your father arrested for doing that to you? Because I REALLY hope your mother wasn't just acting tough for the sake of it and actually did something about his shitty pedophile husband. You make your mother seem like she never truly cared about that.
No. 211402
>>211369My issues didn't start young but from 27 to 29 I dated a guy who slowly got more and more pushy about sex. He laid out very early on that a lack of sex was a huge dealbreaker for him and he'd dump anyone who stopped satisfying him. At the time he said it we couldn't keep our hands off each other so it felt weird that he said it as if it was an ultumatum only weeks into dating. He was stern about it and it sat funny with me. Turns out his idea of 'a lack of sex' was him ever going 24 hours without someone making him cum. He was into some weird shit too and I won't gross you all out with details. But once the honeymoon period was over I found myself being highly pressured to provide what he wanted, when he wanted. I could give him that or endure hours of either screaming or the silent treatment. I feel stupid given my age at the time. And he wasn't staying in shape, he wouldn't shower at the weekends but because he 'laid it all out' so early on I felt trapped in this almost verbal contract to satisfy him or be kicked out on the spot. That was threatened about a half dozen times. I had nowhere to go and I had dwindling interest in him and sex in particular. I always had a high drive but being forced and screamed at to do more will kill that off in anyone. He wanted to avoid a dead bedroom.. he did everything a man can do to create exactly that. How could any woman be expected to desire him in those circumstances?
Then I went on to find out I was most likely on the spectrum, I was going to appointments to help with my ever increasing anxiety so when that came up I was having a sort of crisis. Getting that news so late and so unexpectedly really threw me… For once I was not being pressured into 7 bjs a week and his weird fetish shit…I was suddenly aware that as an actual autist the abuse just became so much worse. I could finally see it and see my own vulnerability. During all this he cheated and rubbed it in my face calling me a tard because of my newly suspected tism. I think I was only preoccupied ith my appointments for a matter of weeks when all this resentment grew in him and cheating and gloating was his answer.
Best of all, we were together 3 years and I never had one orgasm from him. I had to at minumum give him one every day or he saw it as being deprived. I've now taken 3 years out from dating to recover. 3 years in it and at least 3 before I could even look at someone and desire them. I'm finally crushing on someone again and all I can do now is worry that they might share traits with him. It haunts you and robs you of something you never knew was there or so vauable. I can't imagine what it's like to experience abuse in your first few years of life. It's bad enough without it happening during those big 'developmental years' I think recovery is an ongoing thing and people who havent experienced sexual abuse or coersion might not understand just how slow that recovery can be. It's only recently that I also broke contact with my dad because I see how the power dynamic between me and him is unhealthy and anxiety inducing and I hate to see how that set me up for the relationships I accepted as an adult. The root of it all was an overbearing father I could never speak up to or be frank with. I feared my father and thought that everyone did… and I feared my partner and thought that everyone did. I have to relearn what love even looks like before I jump into anything. We recreate our parental relationships with partners. We mimic the same dynamic we grew up with.
No. 211460
>>211454>themUgh, do people realise how pointless and distracting this is? Just say the right pronouns, nobody cares if you've got a fat bf or fat gf.
And yes, it is common for people to feel uncomfortable with their partner's weight loss out of insecurity. As long as you don't actively oppose or sabotage weight loss efforts then it's fine, just learn to handle it because health comes first.
No. 211572
>>211567What a fucking pussy. This is what I mean when no one is a bigger faggot that a straight moid. Being the odd one out in a circle of bros is the worst thing that could ever happen to a male in his mind, that's why there's so much casual misogyny with them even in circles with "good guys". A bunch of drones without a personality too afraid to have a different opinion, your bf is even willing to make his gf feel like shit just to avoid this.
I hope you know he sees you as beneath his friends.
No. 211675
Apologies for the wall of text but I am struggling. This was more of a situationship. Back in late-July I started talking to this guy on a dating app (he reached out to me) and since then we have been in contact almost everyday. We were in talks to meet up in person from early on but these plans fell through a few times, at first because I couldn't make it and then he couldn't do it because his Phd program picked up and became very demanding. For reference, we live a 45 minute train ride away from each other's cities. During this beginning stage I learn that he got out of a relationship back in May, and that it had been a bumpy ride and it was him who initiated the break up.
We met in person for the first time in mid-September. Before this he said he could only hang out two hours, but we ended up spending the afternoon together before I went home. After getting to know him a bit in person I found him to be attractive, funny, interesting, etc. At one point things got a bit intimate at his apartment and I made a point that I like him but didn't want to go all the way, which he was respectful about, and he mentioned that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship which I understood. Later, as we were saying our goodbyes I asked when I could see him again, he says we will talk about it and next time he would come to see me. However, later that evening he sends a couple text messages that he couldn't afford to take another free day during this period due to being at capacity with his work/studies. I respond saying I don't mean to put pressure on him, I'm just glad we got to hang out and I appreciate his honesty, to which he responds that he's also glad about our time.
A couple weeks after this we were in a phone call and I felt I needed some reassurance on things so I told him I liked him and wanted to hang out again and asked if he felt the same, he responded saying he did but his work and studies was taking up all his time and focus. I made it clear that I wasn't asking him to be in a relationship with me then and there but that I wanted to know that he was at least feeling the same way I felt. We continue talking as we usually do, touching base and sharing memes with each other. A while later, our conversations begin to get more intimate than before, and it was always him initiating these more horny converations on different occasions. From my side I felt unsure about what direction we were heading. I had already been feeling that we were more than just friends and these sexual conversations reflected this. I acknowledged to myself what he said about not being ready for a relationship, but I also felt there was some space and potential for something to develop. I also noted that he already had a couple opportunities to end things with me but he didn't. At this point I had become very accustomed to having regular contact with him, saying good morning/good night, and talking about our days.
This past week he mentioned that he could possibly visit me in my town this weekend, so I responded asking if he knew which day and that I hoped he could make it. He said he didn't know which day, at which point I assumed he would update me when he knew. Yesterday we touched based on Instagram in the morning as we usually do. I chose not to ask him about if he could make it. By the late afternoon I hadn't heard much else from him, so I asked what he was doing and he let me know he was working, to which I ask him if that meant he would be busy working all weekend and he couldn't make it. He responds saying 'probably'. I found his one-worded answer a bit strange and let him know I would have appreciated him letting me know earlier as soon as he knew he would be too busy.
Shortly after this, I was feeling stressed out by not knowing how to make sense of whatever was happening between us, I asked if he could let me know if he was interested in dating me or not. He says firmly that he's not looking for a relationship, and that he's told me many times. I responded saying he hadn't told me many times and in my view he had sent different signals to me. I also mention that I previously told him that I liked him and wasn't interested in something casual. He answers saying he isn't responded in casual either, feeling confused I asked what does he want. He replies with 'nothing'. At this point I felt caught off-gaurd as his tone, which was usually kind and playful, became rude in this conversation and that his answers only gave me more questions. I state that I don't want to be friends with benefits, and at this point he says he honestly thought about dating but it wont work because we have different goals and schedules. I respond saying everyone has different goals and schedules, and that most people who are interested in each other can try to make it work in spite of their circumstances. He nonchalantly changes to subject and the conversation comes to a pause.
Not feeling great about his answer and with how the conversation went, I took some time to be by myself, and a few hours later at midnight I let him know that I don't think I can be friends anymore and that if he doesnt want a relationship it's fine but he handled things in a strange and unclear way. Shortly afterward he responds with 'Alright, no problem', and that he had been very clear with me about his intentions. I state again that he gave mixed signals and I felt unclear about what he wanted. He responds saying 'Now I'm definitely saying no and that's it' and that he didn't have the energy to go back and forth. The conversation goes on for a bit more as I tell him that I was willing to be in a relationship where I adapt to his busy lifestyle and take things slow with him, and he responds saying he doesn't feel comfortable with me having to take a backseat to his workload, and that this is what's stopping him from dating me. I ask why would it make him uncomfortable, and that I would have been willing to try things out as long as I knew he felt something for me. Our conversation has since ended here as he hasn't answered and I feel it's probably best if I don't write anymore.
Nonnies, any thoughts or insights into this situation? I have been feeling a bit devastated about this as I hoped things would have gone differently, and not to mention our last conversation left me feeling hurt and unceremoniously shut down. I am also stuck on the part where he claimed to have told me a million times that he wasn't looking for a relationship, from my perpective he was never so definitive about it but I'm starting to doubt my own perception of what happened.
No. 211706
File: 1635725578317.jpg (79.72 KB, 750x730, FCg5s4iVEAEJt6q.jpg)
Should I return my bf's (ex's?) calls after he was verbally and emotionally abusive? He left voicemails saying he wants to talk to me, but none were apologizing. Another anon earlier said i should see what he has to say and i also want to talk to him but idk if i would be doing the right thing and i don't want to be like those women that stay in abusive relationships. I don't see what I would be getting out of it, he already said what he said and I just want to move on and not put myself in a position where it might happen again because it hurt tremendously.
No. 211726
>>207856>>211721Thanks
nonnie, I currently don’t take any birth control. My bf uses protection and it’s never been an issue. It’s something I’m going to look into, this has been a total wake up call. I half looked into getting a coil but I’ve heard it can mess up your hormones and it’s a lot of effort to get it removed if that’s the case. I’m really hoping I’m not pregnant. It’s the middle of the night and I can’t get to sleep im so worried.
No. 211730
File: 1635745632719.gif (339.28 KB, 220x271, breaking-bad-jessie.gif)
>>211722Threaten him with a gun
No. 211742
File: 1635752468707.gif (1.17 MB, 350x236, 38262528848437.gif)
>>211722>but he isnt an asshole, he usually isnt like this and is nice to me.Oh you sweet summer child.
No. 211777
>>211713Pretty sure it's illegal to do that shit without permission. It's why when you call certain places there's a robot voice that usually tells you "this phone call may be recorded for training/monitoring purposes" (sorry my wording is bad but I hope you get what I mean). Anyway, like the other anon said, make SURE you find out if he has these backed up anywhere else. Hard drive, Cloud service, Emails, USB, etc. If you have to play the long-game with this scum just to make sure you find everything, I think it's worth it. Maybe look into the laws in your area incase you can report him immediately and the police will deal with recovering everything for you.
Fucking scary that someone you trust would do something like this. I don't care how paranoid someone is. It's one thing for him to do this at the start of your relationship but after three years? He simply doesn't respect or trust you as an equal.
No. 211778
>>211769Thanks
nonnie, believe it or not I started my period today but thank you for the advice!! Much appreciated everyone!
No. 211779
>>211722When you tell him, he'll probably deflect and say "it was just a joke" and possibly pin you as a melodramatic/overreacting. If this happens, do not waste anymore time on him. His nice sides are only standing out in particular because you have a massive crush on him and he finds you attractive.
You sound young though so something tells me you'll still let it go. Have some respect for your own boundaries anon. This isn't being sensitive in the slightest. Why would anyone want someone they like to speak about them like that?
No. 211799
>>211722 >i want to confront him about him but i dont want to seem too sensitiveSee you already know that mr 'shut up bitch' won't hear you out. You've been presented with such an obvious red flag laying out to you that he does not think much of women including you.. take the hint that he's just not worth persuing.
Don't even bother explaining what's up..I mean seeing as he won't listen to you or any woman anyway. Damage his ego, say you're not attracted to him and then dip. Let him fuck up all his future relationships because he can't even hide his views. Don't try to fix something that can't be fixed. He's the bitch.
No. 211804
>>211713Did anything happen around August to kick start the call recordings, even a small fight you might not of thought much of?
It sounds like he's prepping to maybe hold your own words over your head if you ever try to leave him. If like you said there's been no real drama then he won't have much to hold over you. But it screams of an emotional blackmail plan. Seeing as your plan now is to leave.. be wary about being alone with him. He's clearly not the man you thought he was and privacy/boundaries aren't a thing he allows you. If you need to collect belongings don't do so alone. Don't be alone with him for the break up. His behaviour is so abnormal I'd honestly worry about his reaction.
Let someone in your life know about all this going down, warn people that any strange messages they may receive about you are likely to be him playing out whatever his weird master plan was.
No. 211812
File: 1635795192889.jpg (94.16 KB, 1125x1125, 0fe32440c902ed4f280459c047f0c4…)
I know that the first rule of internet-based relationships is that they're not even real, but I somehow managed to get myself into one by just randomly chatting to some dude, and then the conversations grew a lot more intimate. The problem is that he lives REALLY far away, so far it'd fucking wreck my wallet to even meet up a few times (he's a little better off moneywise than I am), so unless either of us is ready to move to the other side of the world, it's basically hopeless, and yet I'm still getting deeper into it. The other thing is that I basically do not know this man at all, a persona on the internet is just that. He might turn out to be really a nice guy. I have a lot of doubts about this, I guess I just enjoy the attention and the idea that someone cares about me too much, since in general I find myself to be a failure and unloveable. I should've fucking nipped this in the bud, now I'm probably going to be heartbroken if he either turns out to be a different person IRL or just sraight up disappears once life gets back to normal after the COVID restictions and we'll never even meet.
No. 211822
File: 1635800318376.jpg (65.98 KB, 853x480, Wotakoi-01-21.jpg)
I can't fucking believe it, but I actually have a crush on someone in one of my university classes. I'm studying mathematics so I'm used to sort of average/ugly guys and don't pay much notice, but there is this REALLY attractive guy in my class and I am so scared to talk to him. I can't believe I've even spoken to him twice, once when we had to do a group discussion thing a few weeks ago and once after an exam last Friday, which he actually initiated with me.
The trouble is, he's also kind of hard to even get into a conversation with. He wasn't in class today so I didn't get to say hi and ask how his Halloween was and all that. He's not in the class group chat and I don't usually get to talk to him outside of class because he's rushing off to another class. I don't want to look like I'm desperately following him afterwards just to talk to him, but I think it may come to that. The way I see it, I have less than 30 class meetings left in the quarter to figure out if he even has a girlfriend and then get his number. I don't know what to do anons.
No. 211825
>>211820You're right, anon. So far I always tried to temper my expectations because I realize he could just go
poof any minute and I wouldn't even know how to reach him, I guess my period hormones make me feel extra lonely and sentimental today. I know there are topics and things I willingly avoid saying or asking because this illusion would probably shatter in a minute, and I think he also avoid those very fragile points intentionally. We should move onto videochat, I'm just very self-conscious about my accent since I'm an ESL-chan. I'm really having a hard time juggling this desire to be hopeful and believe in the power of love or some bullshit like that, and on the other hand I want to cut this out instantly so that I walk away with a minimally bruised heart to lick my wounds. Thank you for your advice!
No. 211837
File: 1635806464349.jpg (45.29 KB, 640x611, 46498486.jpg)
Anons how do I stop giving a shit about my boyfriend liking pictures of other women on social media? It came up once pretty early into our relationship – I told him I didn't want to follow him on twitter anymore because your followers' likes show up right on your feed and I didn't want to randomly get reminded that my bf thinks another woman is hot while minding my own business and scrolling through art and cat pictures. He actually did stop liking pictures of other women entirely on Twitter and even unfollowed people I specifically told him I disliked (Alyssa Silos, etc.)
That should have been enough, but I'm insecure as fuck and I'm mad again because I moved the goalposts and now I'm going OUT OF MY WAY to find out which pictures he's liking on instagram. The only time he likes revealing pics, it's influencers or celebrities, so there's no reason for me to feel insecure. Also – I literally like hot pics of men and women myself, and I know that when I do it it's not that deep, I just think "damn he/she is bad", I like the pic, I scroll past and then I don't think about it again. I don't think my bf is saving pics to jerk off to later, either, he's pretty transparent about things and I have all his passwords because he didn't care about sharing them. I really think the issue is 100% my own insecurity and tendency to compare myself to other women. I just want to not care about it.
No. 211841
>>211837Think about why you feel threatened by others, why you care so much about what others think of you. You sound pretty self aware so try and get to the bottom of your insecurities and think about why they matter so much to you even though you know it's stupid. Try talking to someone about it, write it down, do whatever, after a while you'll realize how truly stupid a lot of your insecurities are and you'll feel relieved. When you feel yourself getting insecure over stupid shit just straight up tell yourself you're your own person and you don't have to feel threatened by some internet rando. It's a matter of breaking the cycle, eventually you'll stop thinking about it (for the most part anyway).
Comparing yourself to others is a self defeating habit, there is more to you than your flaws and gaining self esteem isn't easy but I promise it'll be well worth it. You can do it nonna, I believe in you
♥ No. 211862
File: 1635825616597.jpg (211.85 KB, 1440x950, FCUwOcoVQAEdgMC.jpg)
So erm, i'm not big on youtube or twitch, can kind of understand being a fan of someone from these platforms because i have one or two i enjoy watching sometimes, but if it isn't about a serious topic, i just don't understand why someone would be a fan. I'm another insecure anon, and recently my SO showed me a clip of this female twitch streamer. It was a silly video, pretty funny, but I still felt uncomfortable after because the clip was from a like, youtube fanpage. She wasn't wearing anything skimpy so i wasn't alarmed, but i thought, maybe she happens to only be covered up in this clip. I later checked to see what her content was like, no skimpy outfits most of the time, only a little bit of cleavage here and there in one or two clips. But it still bothers me because her content isn't important imo. Maybe because she's prettier than me it bothers me a lot. A channel dedicated to clips of her also doesn't help, it's kind of simp-y imho. My jealousy is so bad I just want to break up and disappear. I feel like a huge hypocrite too because I'm subscribed to similar youtube channels that revolve around my favorite twitch streamers and it's not like I am attracted to those twitch streamers. But i feel men are different and i'm traumatized by them and don't know if this is a red flag of sorts and I just would rather be alone than feel this way. Am I overreacting? I'm ashamed to bring it up tbh, plus it's not like he'd be honest. The only way I feel better is by hyperfocusing on features on her face that are ugly, it makes me feel horrible. Like if he hadn't shown me her i would have thought she's got a great personality and attractive but since he introduced me to her I just look for flaws to dislike her.
No. 211867
>>211837>I literally like hot pics of men and women myself, and I know that when I do it it's not that deep, I just think "damn he/she is bad", I like the pic, I scroll past and then I don't think about it again>>211862>But i feel men are differentI think this is why it bothers you both so much, you
know it isn’t the same. Guys who like thirst traps or hot twitch girls aren’t enjoying their aesthetic or their sense of humor, they think she’s hot and would fuck her if given the chance. You liking a hot girl’s pic because you like her aesthetic or makeup isn’t the same, and that stings. You know the difference. The reason it’s so gross to see guys following or liking those pics is because of the obvious implication, they’re turned on and it’s not a secret. It obviously feels hypocritical because “uwu I look too” but I get why it’s upsetting. There really isn’t an equivalent.
No. 211870
>>211869…wtf anon
he likes assertiveness as far as i know
No. 211883
>>211846I dunno anon. I forgot to mention this but he has liked pictures of beautiful blonde women, beautiful black women, etc., and I don't blink an eye because I think those women are beautiful too without aspiring to be them. It's only when he likes pics of nerdy asian women that I feel affronted because that's me, and I instantly compare myself to those women. That's why I think it's something I need to get over to be happy, not something he needs to change to suit me.
>>211867>You liking a hot girl’s pic because you like her aesthetic or makeup It's not always because I like their aesthetic, sometimes they arouse me.
>>211875Nta but this is why it's hard to trust advice from here, I really appreciate having an unfiltered female perspective on things, I think it's invaluable, but
>And yet you came here to consult peopleI came here to consult people because I lack real world female relationships and because I have been browsing this website obsessively for the past six years. I don't think it means anything that I was unhappy and came here for advice. If anything it's more evidence that there's something wrong with me.
>>211841Thank you anon. I've been looking into therapy and also bought a book on self-esteem that I got too lazy to read lol, you have inspired me to start it.
No. 211891
>>211883nonna, it's normal though to be bothered about it. He's your boyfriend, you supposedly love him and the thought of him fapping or to other women or having sexual thoughts about them irks you. Maybe you are a bit insecure, because he most likely won't act upon them and won't cheat on you, but your feelings are very common among women and completely normal.
I've been thinking more and more about it and I'm coming to the conclusion that men (most men?) are not capable of loving a woman like she wants to be loved. I'm thorn between the feeling that I'm too possessive and unreasonable, because I want my partner to be entirely into me like I am with them, and feeling like what my heart wants it's legitimate. Fuck that, who doesn't want that? Maybe you also feel that way because he doesn't show that he's into you that much and he's kinda taking you for granted. We basically want to win the competition with other women, and right now you're feeling like you've been defeated, over and over, one for every picture liked. You need to feel wanted and desired, and you deserve it.
No. 211920
>>211876what is fap bait?
>>211875ayrpt, so me watching streamers is also weird? or is it just because he's a moid? I don't think I have a parasocial relationship with any streamers. I included the bit of him not being in her discord and that i've never seen him watch her because it probably means he isn't as much of a simp like i am freaking out thinking he is. For all I know he just got a youtube recommendation and thought it was funny?
No. 212035
>>212023I used to do this too. Do you also maybe spend a lot of time online (in male-dominated spaces) or have mostly male friends? It can be hard to not feel guilty if the only people you talk to are only giving you the male perspective on dating, you wind up trying to prove yourself as “one of the good ones” rather than finding your own identity. I know it can be hard to make new friends, but talking to more women (in online communities or real life) is very beneficial. It’s easy enough to say “learn to put yourself first, you don’t owe anyone anything” but actually
believing that takes a good support system around you.
No. 212256
I have an online boyfriend. It's not that serious, we just call and sometimes sext a bit. I really like him for his personality, he's great, but he's REALLY ugly. He wants to make our relationship to be something IRL but I don't because I don't feel attracted to his face. His body is fine, but his face it's just something I can't put up with. I'm embarrassed of my family meeting him and judging me, wondering what I see on him. I could so much better, since I'm young and really attractive.
I want to go out with friends and do my life, but he's really introverted and doesn't feel comfortable around others. A massive turn-off since I already got over my shy, nerdy, no-friends phase. I don't browse imageboards and watch anime like I did as a teen, it doesn't fit my lifestyle. How can I break up with him without making him feel bad? Should I worry about him trying to ruin my life taking stuff I've said out of context, doxxing me, or posting my nudes online? He's not the type to do that, but you never know.
I'm so sad over this because I do think he's a great guy and a great friend. I feel too old for these games.
No. 212257
>>212256> but he's REALLY uglyI am sorry I kek'd sorry
But seriously, I think you should end it as soon as possible. Put yourself first.
No. 212259
>>212256Dumping someone isn't that hard and when it's an online 'relationship' it's easy mode. All that stuff about him being ugly is irrelevant because you don't need to justify not wanting to be with someone, let alone someone you've never even met irl. Just be nice and vague and don't insult him, if you live far away then that's a perfect excuse. Otherwise just saying you're not compatible is fine.
And girl stop sending nudes, even if he didn't want to ruin your life there's every chance he would post them online just for kicks and bragging rights.
No. 212263
>>212257>>212259We have met IRL, we aren't dating IRL because we live too far away. We didn't have sex, just awkward coffee date. I know I shouldn't justify WHY I'm breaking up with him, but he's really a dear friend of mine and I do like him, like, we could talk for hours to no end. He's sweet.
>>212261Of course I'm looking for attention, this is a relationship advice thread, I want attention from people who can help me solve my problem.
I bet you're just salty because your boyfriend dumped you for being uggo.
No. 212304
>>211997I did three times and two times the guys turned out to be
abusive aggressive pieces of shit. When we argued it was soul sucking because they'd just be so dumb and use the dumbest excuses, it was like talking to a wall, really frustrating. They both started out as cute himbos but I'm convinced nice and cute dumb guys don't exist in reality. They're usually still scrotes, just with less brain.
The other guy was just seriously boring to talk to, nothing in common.
It's not worth it at all imo, the best you can do is date someone in a different field so they can't mansplain shit to you but with a similar level of education.
No. 212394
File: 1636182878176.jpg (64.77 KB, 440x663, qWiGZDq.jpg)
>>211822Update, I actually managed to talk to him and we have plans to hang out this weekend. Turns out I didn't have much to be afraid of because he has a similar sense of humor to me and he's easier to talk to than I expected. Hoping it goes well!
No. 212780
File: 1636457371806.jpg (31.67 KB, 551x704, cat.jpg)
nonnies i feel like i'm going mentally ill. err.. more mentally ill i guess.
i'm starting to buy into this twin flames bullshit. does anyone believe in it?
please feel free to call me a moron. shoot me in the head while you're at it, my head has been buzzing nonstop.
for those who don't know, twin flames are like soul mates but are more intense and turbulent. they bring out your insecurities and it can be really hard to deal with them. i think the idea is that a flame was created and split into two and you're really lucky if you find your other half.
i met the person i thought is my twin flame years ago and i was always intrigued by him. i thought he hated for some reason but what he said early on in our relationship leads me to believe that he also felt the same way about me. even though i was dating his friend at the time which complicated things.
i thought this guy was just magnetic. because he is, he's someone who attracts people and is really easy to talk to. has a lot of friends, etc. i never understood what he saw in me.
and when i was with him i felt so incredibly insecure. i thought it was because i was dealing with so many issues at the time + had been negged in a previous relationship. this man NEVER negged me and always called me beautiful, pretty, etc. but i could never believe it for some reason. even now i'm just wondering, what the fuck did this man see in me? he's like 500%%%% my type. he showed me a photo of himself yesterday and today and both times im thinking jesus fucking christ.
the years that we've been apart i think i've made leaps in bounds improving my self esteem. i have a much healthier relationship with food, exercise, etc. but talking to him yesterday and today i just want to eat less so i can be rail thin again.
i reiterate. this man has NEVER said anything bad about my body or face or shown any sign of not being attracted to me. he's like on the other spectrum of eating issues and struggled with binging but since i was hiding my own eating disorder (WHY DID I NOT TELL HIM OUTRIGHT I WAS STRUGGLING) i could not handle it. im pretty sure he suspected i was struggling too because he told me about his sister purging seemingly out of the blue.
if you got this far i am sorry about the autism. im the type of person who tries to keep it in but i have been going mad. please enjoy pic related as eye bleach.
No. 212784
File: 1636462160633.jpg (49.07 KB, 665x665, 1604887282416.jpg)
How do you nonitas deal with a partner with untreated depression?
We've been living together for a long time and I'm familiar with his depressive episodes. He dropped pharmacological treatment years before we met because it made him feel more depressed and he tried therapy for a while until he wasn't able to afford it anymore (in my country is very expensive) and until this point, it wasn't really a big problem, I mean, we have our discussion and our harsh moments but we were able to talk it and resolve our problems. After a couple of years of being on the verge of breaking up with him, we reached a point where is not exactly dreamy but nice and sane and realistic. But there are rough patches where he gets on his own head and is extremely avoidant and his mood is terrible to deal with. I've tried to be patient and he knows that, but sometimes it feels like I'm married to a 50-year-old man who is bitter 24/7. I feel very guilty and selfish writing this because I've dealt with depression myself and it's tough to get out of that state but our relationship is developing more and more and sometimes, like buying a house together or getting married. I'm afraid he won't be able to deal with more stuff on top of it and what rubs me in the wrong way is that I'm feeling that he doesn't care about his own wellbeing. He says he is trying to deal with it on his own because he needs to feel like he isn't a failure but at this point, I sense that if he doesn't care about himself then I'm going to stop caring about him and then we'll have to break up because that would mean that I do not longer love him. In a discussion years ago, I mentioned something like that and he told me I was manipulating him, etc.
I feel really confused, I'd appreciate any sort of input.
No. 212814
File: 1636485341882.gif (120.71 KB, 220x222, peace-out-boizzz.gif)
>meet hot guy on dating site
>he's super cool and talented
>somehow hit it off even tho i never vibe with dipshits
>text for days and shits going smoothly
>he wants to hang out/call bc "text is tedious"
>tfw I'm better at texting and can formulate my thoughts more coherently than using my mouth
>me waiting for my dumb, awkward ass to fuck it up
Bye y'all. Wish me luck. This is where it all ends
No. 212857
>>212836I hate to say it, but your resentment will not go away. This will stick in your mind for as long as you're with him and you need to dump him and get with a totally new man. His behaviour is not normal and he should be invested in you alone. I'm getting major cheater vibes.
Also, what kind of boring ass man doesn't initiate? I just know you're bored with him from that alone. Conversation is probably the same.
No. 212974
I don't plan on dating again anytime soon or maybe ever, but I just wanna know. is there a way to tell if a man is a good man, like not a coomer or into weird shit, and not an abusive psychopath? in my late 20's now. in my early 20's I had spent so much time on the internet that I convinced myself that 99% of men were pedophiles. I did this by lurking a lot of places like reddit, yahoo answers, very many forums that I don't remember the names of (and don't want to) the prevalence of "teen" porn, the suggested searches that would come up when I used search engines with the safe search off (basically porn of anything and everything, like looking up literal child characters would yield searches for porn of them).
I finally tried to be a normie and tried to tell myself that I was just being schizo and that most men aren't like that. I met a guy who was my coworker that I really liked. we had a lot of long conversations and he acted interested in what I had to say. we talked about books and philosophy and a lot of other interesting things and seemed to have enough things in common. I wasn't even sure if he was interested in me for the longest time or just wanted to be friends. we were friends (albeit not very close) for at least a year, or longer, after he left our job to go work somewhere else. eventually we started dating and it was really good at first, then later it turned out he was really into hentai, lolicon, was a huge porn addict in general, and had really questionable moral stances on things like said he didn't care if a girl in porn looked underaged (like 14) as long as she didn't look like a "literal child" as he put it. he also claimed to have "traditional values" and wanted a family someday (I don't get how your life can basically revolve around hentai and simultaneously claim to have traditional values but k) then he said that he saw a therapist once because he thought he might be a sociopath, and that he fakes almost all of his behavior to seem normal to people. it's just like.. what are the odds that I would end up with a literal pedo, after deliberately trying to convince myself that most men aren't pedos? he was a seemingly high functioning guy, and so were his friends, who were all the same as him (they had a group chat where they all shared lolicon). there were virtually no red flags except for him being friends with our other coworker who was a literal 4chan incel autist with yellow fever, but I thought to myself, I've been friends with people in the past who don't reflect me at all so I let it slide.
before him the only guy I dated was a raging BPD/narc who had a million red flags, but to his credit at least, didn't seem to be a pedo. I tried to do everything opposite with my most recent ex than I did with him, as that relationship was extremely dysfunctional and toxic. dating is just scary as hell, I feel like no matter how good a guy seems there is always a chance he is into something fucked up or is abusive in one way or another.
No. 212979
>>21297499% of men are like that to an extent. By that I mean almost all of men are some variety of disgusting and fucked up and the severity just varies. Of the 99 out of 100, roughly 35 are gonna be absolute basket case fuckos, another 35 having major fucked up tendencies enabled by cognitive distortions, 20 are not degenerates themselves but will sympathize with degenerate men
more than they sympathize with normal women. The remaining 4 aren't degens and don't sympathize with degeneracy, but will in a tough spot, resort to taking advice from the rest of them just because
men.
If you can't find that 1 in a 100 male that's actually a sane full human, you might have luck with any of the 20+4 dumbasses as long as you don't let them walk all over you as if they're the übermensch or some shit.
That all being said, are you sure you're not attracted to a specific set of outer traits? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you, but maybe there's a pattern there that keeps taking your attention towards unstable or idiotic men.
No. 213051
>>212979thank you anon, do you maybe have any advice on how to identify one of the remaining 4?
>That all being said, are you sure you're not attracted to a specific set of outer traits? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you, but maybe there's a pattern there that keeps taking your attention towards unstable or idiotic men.I had this thought too. with my first bf, the BPD one, there were definitely a lot of red flags like him being friends with a LOT of his exes (and just the fact that he had so many exes) yet at the same time would complain about some of them being "crazy" and love bombed me. but with my most recent ex he really didn't seem to have any red flags like that, and was seemingly high functioning. he didn't love bomb me or anything, he seemed like such a good guy at first, but maybe I knew on a subconscious level and picked him. Idk.
>>212997lol this is such a specific question and I'm not sure why you're asking but no
No. 213060
>>213051One of the more telling traits imo would be that they (the remaining 4 as we discussed) are not too skilled with their words. The type of men who are clearly bad at talking loads of shit and trying to subtly charm you with 'superior intellect' or spontaneous poetic stunts. They might say the wrong or awkward thing sometimes, or just avoid the risk by keeping their talking to a minimum - but at least what they end up saying isn't dressed up to be more attractive or (melo)dramatic than it is. A guy like that is usually a bit more real and vulnerable in his own way.
Like yeah they can have an adult conversation with you about topics, instead of just grunting unga bugna repeatedly, but they're not gonna try to impress you with eloquent speech, instead they prefer actually doing something to show how much they care.
Basically you're looking for a guy who doesn't really know how to manipulate women. Rare but out there.
No. 213140
>>213139Fair point lol
Although he constantly compliments me on how pretty I look, but that might be because we wear mask at school kek
No. 213151
File: 1636779285922.jpg (44.46 KB, 622x661, 1629962627145.jpg)
Me and my boyfriend of almost 9 months now are in a LDR. We have had some issues because he refuses to prove his identity to me and he betrayed me. I fell in love with his personality and assumed everything would fall in place.. but now with the possibility of us meeting in person, he refuses to show me proof of who he is. His pictures are him, but I have no proof he told me his real name, birthday, or address. I highly suspect he lied to me about his name. My issue is that clearly he doesn't trust me, and this makes me uncomfortable because we are in a serious relationship and he claims I'm the love of his life/he wants to marry me. I also found out he had looked at porn with one of his friends behind my back which has permanently harmed my trust in him, even though I've tried to forgive him. I feel really unhappy and we're fighting 24/7 because I wanted to meet him so badly but I can't because of his refusal to tell me who he really is. I don't know if I can accept being with a liar or wasting my time further, I'd be better off dating someone else. If there's no future, I feel like I'm wasting my commitment. Anytime I bring up him showing me his ID he refuses me and gets really angry. It saddens me and I'm in a terrible spot mentally because of the relationship.
But I'm afraid to leave him. I'm afraid he'll harass me terribly if I do, or try to ruin my life. If he kills himself it's not really my problem, but I'm worried about myself. I also do still love him.. or maybe just the idea of him.. and that makes it hard to leave.
I've had my ex-fiancee on my mind a lot as well. We broke up due to general immaturity and life circumstances, I haven't spoken to him in over a year. I don't think I ever really got over him. I've thought about reaching out to him because we aren't on bad terms (just no contact terms) and honestly he was an almost perfect partner. He never went on to date anyone else from what I can tell. In a way, I feel like my current relationship is just me hiding from the fact I may still love my ex. I feel horrible about wanting to reach out to him, but considering there wasn't any bad blood and we've had a year to focus on ourselves more, I am really considering it and I can't stop thinking about him or at least talking to him briefly.
My primary concern is my current boyfriend though. I feel like I should leave. I have no friends to tell me to wake the fuck up or give me advice, so that's why I'm posting this. Should I bother continuing this shit relationship when I have trust issues (clearly he does to), we're both unhappy, and my heart is leaning towards another person (but that isn't guaranteed to work either)? Should I try to fix the relationship? How does someone leave when they love someone and don't want to hurt them?
No. 213193
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this isn't a relationship I'm in anymore, but I wondered what anons opinions would be anyway. please be gentle though, I'm feeling very delicate at the minute. also a little embarrassed to be posting this
I met a guy on an app earlier in the year, decided to meet (first date in over 10 years, never had a relationship before! inexperienced, kissless virgin) started dating and realised pretty quickly we got on super well. I posted here before how early on my insecurities meant I didn't feel comfortable being sexual with him, in fact, not even kissing. I had no idea I was going to feel this way since dating was new to me, I thought it'd 'come naturally' but… no. I'm not asexual, was very attracted to him but fear/lack of sex drive/extreme body insecurities meant I literally could not do it. he was really understanding and sweet, said he'd take things at my pace. end up spending a bunch of time together, grew closer, he's very respectful and doesn't even mention being sexual with me for weeks and weeks and weeks. for what's it's worth, I really tried to 'get over it' but for many different reasons I could never allow myself to be sexual with him. all round very painful for me, made myself very ill trying to get over my insecurties but haven't been able to. still he was always very sweet about it. I knew I was likely testing his patience. literally spent four months seeing each other. about 3 weeks back he mentioned the whole progressing the relationship thing again, but again told him I was sorry but couldn't yet.
don't get me wrong, I knew things couldn't go on this way indefinitely but I loved spending time with him (since I have no friends, life had improved drastically since meeting him) I would've been stupid to end it myself especially since he told me thinks like 'we have a real connection' and how great he thought I was and loved being with me. after the last time we hung out, two weeks back now, he's totally stopped communicating with me, ghosted me. I messaged him a week ago and no response since. I also sent him a very raw and honest handwritten letter expressing how much I liked him and how sorry I was for how I hadn't been able to be a real girlfriend to him. literally poured my heart out (told him I was more or less in love with him! which is true) and still no reply, I feel very hurt even after that no message. I understand he simply knew things weren't going anywhere and got tired of waiting but…. ghosting me? after four months and countless hours together? it seems so cruel. I thought someone who he 'had a real connection with' and all the other lovely things he said meant something. doesn't a person like that at least deserve a message saying it's over? we shared a lot of time together, hours and hours at a time, sometimes practically all day and evening
I feel I'm probably more naive than I'd like to admit and know some people just ghost but fuck does it hurt. is it common to ghost someone after spending such a great amount of time together? also should I give him one last message (I've only messaged him once since I last saw him asking if he was okay) just say I understand things are over and I enjoyed our time together and miss him, just thought I was worth at least a message saying it was over instead of him ignoring me?
I know it must seem pathetic but this whole thing has ruined me, farmers. I wanted so badly for it to work but my fucking insecurities and anxiety ruined my relationship. the worst part is, I lost a friend
No. 213200
File: 1636839546846.jpg (57.05 KB, 540x654, de3d720c63e00e25c29503ac87d659…)
I keep thinking about ending my relationship and I don't know why. We've been together for over two years, and recently bought a home together. We were living together for a long time before this and never ran into any terrible issues that couldn't be resolved by talking things out. No real red flags, no unpassable problems.
But my mental health has been decreasing for a long time, and I don't know if it's because of quarantine or something else, but I've been struggling really badly for over a year and it hurts sometimes that my boyfriend has no real intent to help. I guess it's fine, it's my own issue after all and I don't want him to bear my burden, but at this point it's affecting him and our relationship as well.
Our sex life has diminished pretty rapidly in the last ~6 months. We used to have sex almost every day, then a few times a week, and now it's barely once a week, if that. There's a lot going on, we're constantly exhausted from our jobs and working on the house but I know a lot of it is my fault. I've been so insecure and my self-esteem has taken such a hit in this time that it's hard to feel confident having sex, and admittedly he doesn't help. He doesn't do a lot of foreplay anymore, he doesn't do a lot that feels good, he puts me in uncomfortable or hurtful positions and doesn't seem to notice I'm not enjoying it. It's not like I haven't made it clear either, I'll tell him if something hurts or isn't pleasant, and I'm not faking enjoying it. I just don't. It makes sex feel like a chore, so I just have stopped responding when he tries to initiate or jokingly tell him to cut it out. But I haven't cum in months.
It's gotten to the point where I've started thinking about cheating on him. Not like I ever would, but I imagine it. I haven't lost my sex drive really, only with him. But the fact that I'm having these thoughts at all scares me. I know there are people out there who could make me feel better.
Since getting the house together too, we just have so many disagreements about how to handle… everything. Picking out furniture, doing chores, cleaning. He's still got this bachelor mindset and it's hard to feel like this is "my" space. I get intrusive thoughts about living on my own again, how much happier I'd be not having to compromise with him all the time. I even looked at apartments around here. The fact that I'm doing any of this or considering it tells me maybe I should end things, but to be fair I haven't even told him any of this, maybe he'd want to resolve it.
I'm also dreading the thought of moving out so soon after buying the house - he could buy me out of it, that's not an issue. It's just that I've been getting so many congratulations and well wishes from my family and everything, everyone's so excited and actually proud of me and they've stopped worrying about me being secure, finally. I don't want to even imagine telling them "lol yeah my most stable relationship ended because I was sad hahaha :)"
This sucks nonnies. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy here either. I just want to be alone again.
No. 213210
>>213193Agreed with
>>213203. Also, maybe that's just me, but waiting just three months so far for sex is nothing imo, even if it's just to test the waters with another person, but
especially if one party (in this case you) still feels incredibly uncomfortable with the act. I'd personally say it's for the best this way.
No. 213215
>>213208it's definitely true that it hurts more to believe he did care and had feelings for me. the idea that our time together potentially meant very little to him definitely stings but hurts a lot less than the idea that I fucked everything up (with my body issues and fear of intimacy) and have lost a man who said he cared about me
>>213210>waiting just three months so far for sex is nothing imoI agree! although it was four months and we only kissed the one time only for me to freak out and pull away. I don't blame him for ending things, it's more the way he couldn't even tell me it was over, just cut communication instead. it is probably for the best but I will miss the guy
No. 213229
>>213193>>213215I really feel for you here
nonnie, I’ve been through some similar relationships before and it’s always such a crappy feeling to realize someone you’re into has basically been faking feelings so you’ll fuck them. It’s very dehumanizing. I know it’s a stereotype, but a lot of guys really
will say anything to get laid.
Honestly though, you dodged a bullet. A guy who will ghost you because he didn’t get sex in a few months of dating will also ghost you after he gets what he wants. You can’t win with people like that, and you probably won’t ever get real closure either. Don’t spend time thinking about it or trying to win them back, a person who ghosts you is basically saying “I’m not interested” without actually saying it. They’re not worth your time.
No. 213242
>>213241He's also 28 and working at a car wash and I think it's his first job which was the first red flags for me. He told me how he was home schooled and went to art school and in our first call, bitched about the men in Corvettes at his job, calling them yuppies. Like…you got to sit on your ass your whole life while your parents fund your art degree at college and now you're just working at a car wash? Newsflash: you're a yuppie! At least those old men in Corvettes probably worked for it.
He's a talented musician, and that's cool and all, but I don't give a shit about that as a career choice lmao.
No. 213244
>>213240Going out of your way to bring up past dates is pretty red flag-y, especially when you haven’t even met yet. Almost everyone knows that’s inappropriate. It sounds like he’s pretty self-centered and hasn’t shown much interest in you, so I’m not sure why you even like him. If you haven’t met yet and you’re already getting this many red flags, I don’t see the appeal. At worst, he’s trying to manipulate you into acting a certain way by talking about why he didn’t like other girls, and at best, he’s just
that oblivious in how regular people talk to each other in relationships. Neither one is a good time.
No. 213248
>>213240Trust your gut, there's so many red flags in your post
>oversharing to force intimacy and get you to do emotional labour>rude, autistic and doesn't ask questions about you>making you compare yourself to other girls (triangulating)At worst it's intentional PUA manipulation, at best he's just oblivious to social tact and is too egotistical to really care about you
No. 213262
>>213248>triangulatingOmg anon! I had no idea this existed. I guess my gut is right…he may not be such a good person. I read a page on triangulating and it mentions love bombing in it. Maybe that's what the constant texting and the hours long phone calls are? He did also mention he's trying to keep his ego down when I complimented him on his music. Honestly, he reminds me of some edgy autist's Second Life character.
>>213244>>213252Well, I definitely like him a lot less now. I was into him because he is incredibly easy to talk to (I have a hard time connecting to people), have the same niche interests, and he is talented, has passions, and really loves his parents and sisters (family oriented). Now the entire vibes are off and we didn't really talk much yesterday because I felt uncomfortable saying much.
Thanks for always being honest. I love you anons
No. 213292
>>213200Anon he sounds like a piece of shit and you need to get your own place stat if he'd be willing to buy the house from you. At the least, break up with him and just live as roommates until you figure out where you're going. There's no point in going through the motions and ocassionally putting up with terrible sex for his sake. It doesn't matter that he didn't throw up any red flags when everything in the relationship was peachy. How hard is that? It's easy to be positive and fun during the good times, it's when shit hits the fan that you need your partner to step up and be supportive, and he's failed spectacularly at that. He doesn't care about your pleasure and comfort during sex, he doesn't support your mental health (sure he's not a professional but he could still do sweet things for you or give you pep talks now and then), he selfishly treats your joint home as his own. These are really base level things and he isn't managing any of them. Who gives a fuck if your family and friends are surprised about you moving out relatively fast. If they're good people then they'll care about you being safe and happy, not keeping up appearances.
>"lol yeah my most stable relationship ended because I was sad hahaha :)" Yeah, no. Your relationship is ending because your partner is self-absorbed, unsupportive trash. You are not in the wrong here.
No. 213293
>>213287Whenever I hear scrotes do this, it just sounds like another fetish, like he probably gets off on you denying him. Because if he actually wanted to quit porn he'd do it, go to a therapist, and learn how to please you instead of the theatrics. Embarrassing.
>>213291I agree completely.
No. 213296
>>213291I totally agree with you
nonnie, I really don’t understand guys who just can’t stop looking at porn. “Childproof the wifi”? Seriously, have some personal accountability dude. I’d be more sympathetic if he said he had problems with it in the past but was stopping himself from looking at porn, but needing to baby someone by locking internet access? That’s so silly. He should act like an adult and make adult decisions. He’s not a kid and you’re not a mom who needs to yell at him for looking up bad things on the internet. Asking for
support from your partner and asking to be babied are totally different things. It’s depressing how many guys don’t understand that.
No. 213369
>>213364I've been in a relationship before where the guy broke up with me and fucked someone else literal hours later… as in it took planning in advance and it was the underlying reason for the break up even though he never mentioned it att. We lived together and he just expected me to be all cool and friendly for the remainder of our lease.. I was scratching my head at that. The most annoying part is that you know.. if the roles were reversed.. no man is staying friendly with you and acting like everything is okay after that. They'll twist logic and use technicalities, claim that it was all so innocent and their feelings took over. I feel like you just have to cut off a guy after that to keep some self respect intact. They don't care about the betrayal and they'll expect you to cover up your pain and play nice. That's not on. That's some obvious bullshit they're trying to get you to accept as normal. It is not normal.
Some men know very well that a woman with no support system.. is that much more vulnerable to this shit and to accepting it. Ignore this guys words and pay more attention to just his actions and you'll see he's not worth shit. Having nobody at all is still better than having him around. You need better people in your life than that.
No. 213373
>>213369I keep telling him actions speak louder than words, he says he knows he was wrong and then does more terrible stuff and makes me feel bad for being upset. I know he is a bad person, it's very big difference to how he was before. And yes he said he hasn't been feeling us for a while but was "too weak" to do anything (he only told me this yesterday). Yet he can't pin point when? Yet he wanted me the day before?
I gave him that ultimatum (my friendship or her) and he said it's best for us if we don't talk anymore. I asked if he would be my friend without the ultimatum, he said yes, but he wants to live his life and they like each other. He gets angry when I say they are both bad people ("you don't even know her" "she feels bad") even though she knew when he stayed over and that he cheated (he is obviously much much worse). I wanted to cut him off first then I decided against it, he was upset, then with the ultimatum, he now wants to cut me off to "help me". It just hurts. It's going to be hard to have no one to talk to. We had a lot in common, he was really nice/caring to me until 2 weeks ago.
So sorry you went through that anon. That guy sounds eerily similar, twisting logic and planning inadvance (saying she asked me to hang out). I hope you are doing good. Your words me a lot to me right now and it makes a lot of sense. I love you anon ♥ thank you
No. 213411
>>213373I hope you stop talking to this guy
nonnie, it’s time to block and delete. I know it’s difficult when you’ve been friends for so long, but he’s clearly made his decision and showed his true character. Even if this new girl dumps him or something, do you want to be with someone who just sees you as an option while they look for someone else?
Lots of people can be sweet and caring, it doesn’t mean this guy was secretly faking everything for several years, but at the end of the day, having sex with the new girl was more important than your feelings. He’s not worth your friendship.
No. 213459
>>213414In both of my relationships I had this feeling around 2.5 years into living together. I think in my case it was the true end of any honeymoon phase or residuals of that. The first time I ignored the feeling because it was my first love and I didn't know what's normal. I thought I was depressed. He bit the bullet for us and did the breaking up.
The second time it happened I was more prepared to accept it as being the end but he just happened to get ahead of me first and end things right as I was feeling done too.
There's alot of different factors to think about though, like how long you've been feeling this way? Some relationships have more of a habit of going through phases and bouncing back. Others decline and that's just it. I've never been in a 'bouncing back after the rough patches' type relationship but I see people around me in them. Sometimes I don't know if they're just prolonging the inevitable.
No. 213478
>>213466The honeymoon period being over, basically. Being veery familiar with them and feeling like I had enough and wanted no more. That's all really, feelings fading over time. The bickering increasing while the sex decreases and small things about them stop being cute or quirky. Just a natural fade of the love that once was.
The first time it happened I thought it was a tragedy and I blamed myself and thought I could've done something different to prevent it.. It just happens. It's normal, it's how most non-dramatic breakups happen. One day one of you feels like the love is gone and if you're lucky you're both on the same page so one isn't left bereft by the news.
No. 213541
>>213528You should tell him exactly what you've told us - he talks down to you, makes you feel bad about yourself, and has anger issues. It's not the sort of reasoning that should make him hate you forever (like cheating or w/e) so maybe you could still be civil.
You're gonna have to be firm about it, chances are he'll gaslight you and dismiss your concerns like he does with his 'gamer rage' (aka fucking pathetic manchild tantrums, as if that's an excuse…). Good luck anon.
No. 213564
>>213528Of course you have to break up with him.
>I genuinely like him as a personWhat is there to like? He treats you like shit. Unless you're a masochist.
No. 213568
>>213528i know '
abusive' is a buzzword that gets tossed about a lot for menial things, but if he's like all of which you claim he genuinely sounds verbally and emotionally
abusive. not to mention if he hits things when he's angry, just imagine if he gets angry enough at you. people like that unfortunately have a trend of going from punching walls to faces.
take care of yourself and maturely break off the relationship. say you want time for yourself and if your friends were your friends first and you explain what you've been dealing with, i think they'll understand. best of luck.
No. 213719
File: 1637216336642.jpeg (581.75 KB, 1888x1888, C23122DF-0C55-4797-833B-AA6339…)
Context: earlier my boyfriend started having sex with me while massaging my back, and I didn’t explicitly say no or stop, because whenever I do he usually gets upset and will leave, or keep trying until I do. I’ve told him how uncomfortable that makes me, but he says he needs sex to feel validated and wanted. Anyways, so earlier I just stayed quiet and waited for him to finish, but because of the completely dry sex I was in a lot of pain and started crying. He got upset and brought me my overnight bag and told me I should go home instead of the date we had planned. I told him I was just in pain from the sex, and he got upset why I didn’t stop him then. I told him I just wanted him to finish so he would be happy, and then all these texts happened. After this he broke up with me. I just feel so stupid, but at the same time he constantly wanted sex, like at least 3-4 times a day. If it wasn’t sex, he would keep putting my hand on his dick or take it out until I eventually just gave him what he wanted. This morning he literally told me that he uses sex as a way to release aggression, and if he doesn’t get it then that’s fine, but he’ll be upset and aggressive until he does. I know how stupid all of this makes me sound, I know it’s not really right, but after sex he would be so nice and sweet and loving, sometimes I would cry from how nice he would be afterwards. We’ve been dating for almost six or seven months now, and i cant believe it’s all over now because I didn’t say no enough. Or am I being stupid? Please be honest with me, I can’t tell if I’m just an idiot here and I hurt him more than anything. I just feel sick about the entire thing
No. 213736
>>213719What the fuck? Breaking up with you is the only favor he’s done for you. Forcing himself onto you when you don’t want it literally rape, it doesn’t matter if you didn’t say no it there wasn’t a resounding yes
> and I didn’t explicitly say no or stop, because whenever I do he usually gets upset and will leave, or keep trying until I doThis is manipulatuve as hell and so are the entirety of his texts. I’m so sorry nonna, I know it hurts but please don’t try to get back with him jfc
No. 213749
>>213719He not only types like a retard, he manipulates like one. None of what he's saying makes sense, he wants you to have self respect but keeps tearing your boundaries down when all you want to be is vulnerable and safe with someone you like? His dumb ass thinks he's a genius typing up all this stupid shit about not wanting to 'be a part of hurting you' or whatever. He knows what he's doing, he's just absolving himself of responsibility by spinning this onto you. Looking at him trying to use this kind of language to appear emotionally mature and intelligent makes me laugh, he sounds worthless and pathetic.
If he tries to get you back, no matter how he tries to put it, no matter what wording he comes up with, don't. If I were you, I'd block him everywhere and tell our friends not to speak a word of you or your location to him. There's that for the self respect he was so keen on. Eradicate him from your life no matter how you feel about him right now, no matter how much he's gotten into your head, because (and I say this because I've seen this shit before) you can't afford to waste your precious time on a person this twisted. He knew how to play you by your weak spots, from the start, which is why you're addicted to his 'love'. None of what you had with him was real. Keep out of his sight.
No. 213751
>>213719> whenever I say no he usually gets upset and will leave, or keep trying until I do> says he needs sex for validation > those manipulative messages What an unredeemable asshole. Seconding this
>>213749 , don’t waste your time and mental/physical wellbeing with this pos. It sounds almost like he’s having fun doing this. Had to witness guys like that before too and trust me they don’t get better, you will only get worse.
No. 213754
>>213719Well seeing as he keeps telling you to get some self respect… the only thing a self respecting woman would do in this situation is leave him. No self respecting woman would stay with this guy and gladly take all these walls of bullshit text. He's trying to twist things and manipulate you and it's painfully obvious in the messages. Plenty of guys are careful about the picture they paint in messages.. they're afraid you'll show them to someone. You've seen who he is when you're alone in person and he's pushing for sex. He's not as smart as he thinks he is. He's trying to rewrite reality with these walls of text and it's insulting.
Tell him your version of reality.. just so he knows you're not fooled by him or blaming yourself for all this. Then cut off all contact. The fact that while discussing 'you feeling raped' he had to then immediately hit you with insult after insult…. He will do this to other women. That is this mans level of maturity. Get out and pray he stays single for a long time after you drop his ass.
No. 213759
I've been dating this girl for some months, 6 of official dating + 2 where we were just seeing each other. I'm 21 and she is 23. She took the first steps of asking me out and such, and while I reciprocate, most of the time it is her that takes the initiative.
We talked about relationships before, this is my first relationship, I've never dated anyone else before. She told me that she had a 1 year relationship with a guy until 2019, when they broke up on good terms according to her. At first I was a little confused, I was a bit surprised with it, but ok there is no problem there.
She also told me that the reason they broke up is that her ex-bf was going to live out of town, and they wouldn't see each other much and didn't want a long distance relationship, so they decided to break up without hurting each other too much. She also said they still talk to each other and send memes and stuff.
Problem is that I discovered from a friend of mine (that knows my gf and her ex-bf) that he is moving back in town this or next month.
When I was talking to her this weekend I mentioned that I heard that her ex-bf was coming to live in town again, to which she answered that "yeah, I know, he told me that he is going to live here again".
I feel kinda dumb for writing this, since there is no reason for me to feel worried or anxious. I've seen their chats on IG (while I was using her phone to do something else). Their chats are just memes been send back and forth, and she told him that she in now in a relationship with me and he seemed to be positive about it, congratulating her on her new relationship.
Maybe I'm overthink stuff or is the insecurity talking, but I'm really anxious about this guy coming to live in my town again.
No. 213762
>>213759All you can really do is try to talk about it with her, just be careful not to come at it in any accusatory way. But you should be able to tell her you have worriess in the back of your mind and if she's reasonable she'll listen and be just be aware of how you're nervous and obviously you're new to dating too so it's your first time having to navigate this tricky thing that does come up sometimes. She has the baggage of an ex she still communincates with whereas you don't so hopefully she doesn't take advantage of that plus your inexperience.
I'd aim to have a chat about it before he comes back to town. If you wait til he's already around sometimes these things have a habit of blowing up. Don't bottle it up.
No. 213773
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Caught my basically perfect husband snapchatting a random girl. She was cool enough to send me a screenshot of their conversation and it was pretty sus and he was being really flirty. I messed up and confronted him before he could really incriminate himself beyond saving and now I'm regretting it because I wish I knew what his intentions were fully. I mean, I'm not retarded, he was at the very least looking for validation from another woman and at most he was looking to cheat. Now I'm evaluating our entire relationship and wondering if he has been unfaithful before (never had a reason to believe so until now) or if he will try to again. We've been married for several years and have a one year old son together. Our relationship and life together in general couldn't really be any more perfect and we are best friends. I look pretty fucking good for my age (almost 30) and you can't even tell I've had a child as I'm decently fit and have been going to the gym religiously to get my body back. I cook, clean, stroke his ego, stroke his cock, basically I do my best to he the perfect wife and mother. Is this just a case of a man getting too comfortable where he is and taking it for granted? I've told him we can put this behind us for the sake of our son and family and of course he is very contrite and accepting of all the conditions I've laid down. He isn't defensive if I bring stuff up and continue to talk about how I feel. What really maddens me is he maintains he was trying to have an innocent conversation because he felt "social". What can I do to hold him accountable in the future and what can I do to essentially punish his and make him regret being such a fucking creep? Nothing crazy, basically my thought is to get as fit as possible and remind him of my sexual market value, draw the attention of other dudes (I have no interest in cheating, honestly my husband is a 10/10 for me and other men just don't do it for me) and be a little more independent/make a little bit of my own money to stash away in case he tries this shit again and I have to take our son and go. Any advice for me? I want to make this work with him but I feel I need to put him in his place somehow.
No. 213791
>>213773> he was at the very least looking for validation from another woman He's not a teen girl with low self esteem. He's a grown man with a partner and child. He was not just fishing for validation. I'd rule that out as his motivation.
Staying with him and getting super fit is a weird reaction. Leaving him and getting super fit I can understand but it sounds like you're first going soo easy on him for this and then you're even rewarding him with an even hotter wife. That also screams of insecurity.. getting hot to 'show him' what he's got. You should not have to evaluate your looks because his eyes wandered. This is a matter of loyalty. Supermodels get trampled on by men who are just cheats.
No. 213794
>>213793>He’s winning and you’re placing the medal around his neck when it should be in the guillotineAgree with this.
Adding, men already have this sense of extra security once they've had a child with you.. they know you're likley to put up with so more before you'd ever leave them. Outright telling a man that his kid is the get out of jail card for his sins is a huge mistake. It's likley to embolden him or give him something to use as ammunition if you do find worse things on him. He's off the hook already and you're just thinking about going to the gym and making yourself cute to chase off the cheating?? That's pushover behaviour.
No. 213805
>>213794>>213793>>213791>>213787>>213777nonnies I get what you're saying about not rewarding him for his shitty behavior but I need a good alternative. As much as I want to punch him in the fucking head I can't divorce him without full on proof of infidelity. Right now all I have is a message that "could be construed as flirtatious" and a winky face. No proof of lewds or dirty messages, he allegedly had only had Snapchat downloaded on his phone for a day before he started "adding random people and chatting with them" although I can't confirm that. As far as going through his phone or social media it was something I never tried to do but occasionally was curious enough to take a glance at and never found anything to cause concern. He also let me go through his phone right after and I didn't find anything although I was flustered and drinking so probably didn't play detective as well as I could have. It's not like he couldn't have easily deleted all other proof but I found nothing. I know you all would like me to just dump him but to me it's an overreaction for limited evidence I have in front of me. Trust me, if I had anything more concrete I would have done the deed and divorced him so fast his fucking head flew off. So, I get it, don't be passive. What are your suggestions for taking my power back? I know you all think the fitness thing is silly but tbh that is where I've always drawn strength so it felt like a good place to channel my feelings and ignite my purpose. I'm going to be getting fit regardless, it's my passion and I want to work towards doing physique competitions desu. Can I leave the resentment behind me? I'm not sure yet, but I want to try. I think it is worth it. I'm not willing to lose myself for it or to compromise my son's childhood but where I am at now I need to find another course of action to move us forward. He is capitulating to all of my requirements, acknowledging his fuck up and my feelings about it, stepping up in areas he needs to and willingly changing behaviors. Can I forgive? Yes, I believe so. Will the trust return? Idk. But he is a good provider, a good father, and my very best friend. I have to make an attempt. I'm not sure how many of you have children or are married and I know it might seem as simple as you say but I don't know if it is. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. Thanks for the advice, ladies.
No. 213806
>>213805 > he allegedly had only had Snapchat downloaded on his phone for a day before he started "adding random people and chatting with them" although I can't confirm that. Doesn't snapchat delete everything once people have seen the message? Isn't that why cheaters tend to use it? It does all that for you.
Did he say why he suddenly wanted to join snapchat?
No. 213810
>>213806True, and a point I brought up talking to him about it but he insists he was just feeling sociable and wanted to talk to some new people. I point blank told him "nobody does that, that's fucking weird" and basically he just said "well I guess I'm weird"
So while him making a snap is suspicious af and crossing the line I still find it hard to consider it cheating point blank. I wish so badly I would have let this chick keep talking to him to confirm. I can't stop kicking myself in the ass about it because if I knew for certain I sure wouldn't be turning to lolcow for advice. Fml
No. 213826
>>213810Damn I wish I had proper advice anon, I'm sorry. You're stuck because something stinks but you don't have enough evidence to prove his intention. Everyone knows how much people love playing the 'hysterical paranoid woman' card so I don't blame you for waiting until you have full proof. Do you rely on him financially? I know it'll be hard while raising your young child but you should start preparing back up plans if so. He might be promising to be on his best behaviour now because you caught on early but it'll only make him hide his acts even better next time.
If you intend on getting fit again for yourself then that's cool, as long as its not to prove/show something to him. Remember that you can never stop someone from cheating if they want to do it. Those type of subhumans aren't like normal people who obviously see it as an absolute no-go zone.
No. 213832
I'm mostly wanting to vent about not being "wife-material" according to my friend. Wall of text incoming, soz.
We have been friends for going on 6 years. We actually had a short-lived fling during the beginning that lasted almost a month. He liked me (or was simply infatuated, idk) but we went to different colleges and I'd recently gotten out of a relationship and was still grieving so I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a new one with him and looking back I gave him alot of mixed signals because of this. He decided to end "things" soon after that. Literally a month or so later I realized I really liked him but he told me all he felt was platonic love towards me. This was a very confusing chapter in our friendship because even though he had basically rejected me, he would still flirt with me, talk about doing things that couples would do together that he wanted to do with me, treated me like a girlfriend pretty much. I treated him as if he was my boyfriend too. He helped me alot emotionally and we spent alot of time together because we really enjoyed eachother's company and this led us to accidently hooking up a few more times. He would tell me every time after that we wouldn't do it again. He really beat himself over for having taken me out of this "friend" box he seemed adamant about keeping me in for whatever reason and getting my hopes up. I realized we needed to stop spending so much time together mostly for my sake because I was repeatedly getting hurt and he obviously wouldn't change his mind about me, but also his sake, because I was starting to resent him and taking it out on him. I really hated the person I had become. We drifted apart for a couple of years and then reconnected about 3 years ago when he invited me to his wedding. I didn't even know I was completely over him at that point, him telling me and me not feeling any hint of jealousy, only genuine happiness for him, convinced me I was. I was eager to meet his fiance so we met up asap. Spoiler alert: i realized then i still like him but somehow managed to keep it together. We became really close friends again and he's been involved in my life even more so than before since then and me theirs. Sometimes we hang alone, and that's when i learned just how lowly he thinks of me. I don't remember the topic of conversation exactly, but he basically said he would never cheat on his wife. Then a few moments later……. he said the only woman he'd really consider having as a mistress is me. I didn't reply right away because he was laughing and I thought maybe he wasn't serious so he tried to change the subject and then i blew up at him, saying he was a cheater pos and that i was going to tell his wife. He said the same as earlier and that I should know him better than anyone that he isn't the type to cheat on his wife. Then he told me that he just loved me as much as his wife and that he was there for whatever i needed. I said that is infidelity and he backtracked again and said he only joked about it because he knows I wouldn't get involved with him. I just don't believe him, I think that's his shitty attempt at damage control. What kind of fucking joke is that? Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe it really was an off-colored joke. It doesn't make sense but at the same time it kind of does. idk, i'm confused. I've been thinking about what makes his wife and I different and I can't think of much other than me most likely being MORE difficult in a relationship. I'm very confrontational and react unexpectedly for example. Aren't mistresses women that are easy? I'm just trying to think of what makes someone like my friend think I'm a homewrecker. And yes I'm thinking of sexist stereotypes, which makes me feel horrible. I DON'T dress provocatively. I NEVER flirted with him. I don't know but I want to get rid of whatever qualities they may be asap. I also don't know if i should tell his wife, or if i should cut him off forever, or what the best course of action is. I have never felt so disrespected.
No. 213847
>>213832In my experience, a lot of guys will say and do this kind of stuff to “test the waters” and see if you’ll bite. They’re looking for a positive response. If they don’t get it, they say it’s a joke and you’re being too serious, etc.
I agree with the other anon, cut him off. He probably knows you still like him and enjoys the attention. There is nothing to gain here. Staying friends with this guy and putting up with his “haha I’d totally fuck you haha just kidding” jokes is beyond tiresome. At best, he thinks it’s okay to treat you disrespectfully, and at worst, he’s dropping hints he’s down to cheat on his wife. Both are gross.
No. 213901
>>213832 > said he would never cheat on his wife. Then a few moments later……. he said the only woman he'd really consider having as a mistress is meWhat a shitbag thng to say. He tested the waters by saying that (also tried to make you feel like being his mistress is some fucking prize offer or a special spot you get to fulfill) and now he's backtracking because it turns out being asked to be a guys side chick is never a flattering, no matter how you phrase it.
I've been kept in the dark before about a partner who was trying to cheat, an anon further up the thread is stuck in limbo right now because her partners a cheat but she doesn't have the solid proof to convince her to leave… it's important that women are at least given this information when you have it. She might not leave him. She might not like you coming along with bad news but it's the right thing to do. If the man isn't likely to be a risk to your safety then by all means rat him out before this woman wastes years of her life being in the dark about his true nature.
No. 213993
>>213991What you're describing sounds normal? At first you only see someone's good traits and maybe idealize them a bit, then they're revealed to be nasty so you lose attraction. And? It'd be worse if you continued to project a fantasy on them.
>are they all trash?Yeah sorry, pretty much anon. Even the seemingly decent ones usually have a couple nasty flaws due to being raised in society that prioritizes their desires and dick. At least 95% of the males you meet will eventually show their ass. That's just men for you. To avoid such big letdowns try not to fall in "love" so quickly. In reality you just get infatuated before you actually know the person. Remember that it's impossible to have a clear idea of who someone really is until you've seen them regularly and interacted with them in a variety of situations over the course of many months, sometimes years.
No. 213996
help me nonitas! I technically met this guy like 1.5 years ago online, and he's literally the dream guy for me… Almost. I feel so insanely AWFUL for thinking/feeling this way but I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I SWEAR I FEEL SO BAD for being vain but I CANT help it.
>Meet on online game.
>At first just friends, became closer as we found out we're both in STEM fields however I have my masters' and he's working on his.
>We are both huge nerds into our careers but also gaming, history and dnd/lore from games and books etc.
>He's incredibly smart. Not just intelligence but emotional intelligence – Understands what I say and feel without me having to explain much and intuitively reacts to it.
>Lowkey a doomer like me. But who isn't now a days I guess?
>INSANELY ambitious, very much like me on that scope.
>But also, very into homesteading like me.
>A little full of himself but in a non-annoying way that makes you wanna gouge your eyes out, think vegeta from dbz (oh god cringe I know lol)
This is stupid as shit, but he's also one of the best gamers I've ever seen. He's challenger in league of legends, high rank/high damage in every single game he's played, and just extremely knowledgeable about everything.
The problem? He's just….. Not attractive. Not my type physically at all. Like, he takes care of himself and grooms, isn't fat etc. He's just got a very unfortunate face that I find really difficult to sometimes look at. I'm sad because, he kind of knows this. He vents to me all the time about how ugly he is and I obviously lie because I care about him a lot, but the truth is he really isn't that attractive physically.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a 10/10 stacy or anything. But I know I'm more attractive than him. All my exes have been exceedingly more attractive than him by a lot and I already know that it lowkey bothers him as he's seen pictures of us (he knew me when I was dating an ex that I had broken up with during the time we met).
It just sucks. I really like him. Is there a way I can power through this and some how be okay with how he looks? Or am I just doomed and should walk away now? I hate that I'm the kind of person who cares about this crap, I've legit NEVER been this person my entire life.
No. 214005
>>213996In what weird upside-down opposite world is it selfish and shallow to want a partner who you find at least somewhat attractive? This is literally the main thing that separates someone from being a really good friend and a potential partner. Men don't force themselves to accept ugly women as partner material, hell, even fat ugly men feel entitled to far more attractive women. Sure they will keep an ugly girl around for sex and emotional labor if she gives him the time of day, but ultimately he still wants to settle down with someone who fits his preferences. Also it sounds like you've never met this dude in person so you don't know what he's like in reality, and you've known each other 1.5 years but he's never made a move? Who cares if you're into him, he's not into you. Don't go the "ooh he's too shy and self loathing to ask me out even though he sekretly loves me, sweet bby" route. Even if he does like you, the lack of initiative means his insecurity is stronger than his affection for you, making him an inept partner. You're mooning over a fugly, depressive, arrogant gamer bro. He's decently smart, okay. There are millions of geeky smart men in the world who aren't hideous. Go meet more of them off the internet, you'll get over him real quick.
No. 214009
>>214005oh shit sorry maybe I wasn't clear, but he clearly likes me and wants to be with me. It's not in my head or anything. He's talking about us living together etc all the time and really excited which, I am too, but for reasons I already stated I'm a little hesitant.
>>214007THANK YOU. But at the same time, my issue is that he's perfect in every way but physically. Do I just jump ship then?
No. 214013
>>214009I think you’re looking at it the wrong way anon, it sounds like you kind of have this guy on a pedestal. A person can have a list of great qualities but also not be right for you. I think
>>214005 made a good point about there being a lot of smart, geeky guys out there, many of whom will also be attractive to you. The qualities you listed aren’t exactly rare (no offense), lots of guys are into STEM subjects and D&D lore. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” partner imo, everyone has flaws and lots of people will have similar interests as you, but what separates cool people (friends) from potential partners is whether you find that person attractive or not. It’s not vain to want a mutual attraction in your relationship, that’s just pretty much the base requirement.
No. 214042
>>213996If you read the thread about dating up/dating down you'll see how it usually goes. You're willing to overlook a massive part of what's pleasurable about a relationship.. you'll sacrifice that for him.. never letting him know he's ugly… and you never get any thanks.
There's a long list of sacrifices that women make for men that only backfire horribly and make you regret ever trying to be kind.. this is high on that list.
No. 214254
>>214241A normal hug for hi's and goodbye's, yeah sure, not hugging is weirder imo.
Embracing lovingly is not ok though.
No. 214325
>>214113anon from before and holy fuck
it was great!
No. 214376
File: 1637661051337.jpeg (47.6 KB, 461x665, 466163FB-3260-478E-85E2-BD15C2…)
Yesterday I had a super horny/emotional dream about my ex in my old city and spent the next day talking myself down from reaching out to him (we had a weird casual thing going on and I dumped him so I reminded myself how embarrassing it would be to reach back out after 2+ months no contact).
I’m going to be back in town this weekend and I know that if these feelings had hit me while I was there I would have caved and texted him and either been rejected and felt like shit, or slept with him again and felt like even worse shit. How can I best manage these intense feelings of desire, longing and nostalgia whenever they flare up?
No. 214392
Discovered last night that my BF has a relatively high body count (at least compared to my own) and It's kinda making me feel insecure.
>we know each other for about 3 years, we are both 24.
>started flirting/going out in the middle of last year,February of this year things became official, we are dating.
>Knew he had a previous relationship, he also knew I had one.
>Last night, we were talking about exes and stuff when I asked with how many girl he have slept with, to which he answered 10.
>At first I thought he was lying or joking, but I know he is telling the true
>He then asked about me,to which I answered that he was the second guy I've been with.
>I asked him if I knew any one of those girls and he said "maybe 6 or 7".
We then changed subjects and started talking about something else, but this thing keeps bothering me.
At first I'm a little surprised, he is the quiet/stoic guy that plays card games, vydia and RPGs. He is not pretty but is tall, muscly and has a deep voice, I'm genuinely surprised that he has been with so many women given who I thought he was. He isn't the kind of guy to brag about sleeping around, most of his jokes around his friends were about how he has no luck with women (until we started to date). It feels that I don't truly know him now, even if he has been always honest with me.
Another thing that keeps hammering me is who are those "6 or 7 girls" that I might know. 1 of them is his ex who I know, so it's less 1 on the list, but the others I have no idea. I'm wanting to ask him who are they but I don't know if I want to hear the answer
Should I inquire him about who are they or leave things as they are?
Should I break with him? Our relationship has been pretty great so far, he is attentive, as mentally stable as a scrote can be, I can see that we may have a future together. But even given that, the fact that his body count is that high and I really didn't expect it to be that high
>tldr: anon discovered that is dating a manslut and is trying to cope with it
sorry for any typos
No. 214407
>>214392>jokes about no luck with womenUm…your bf sounds fucked up. I hate people that do shit like that. This is similar to the "lol i hav no friendz" thing - it's pure attention seeking.
I would be turned off knowing my bf slept with that many girls as it is quite a lot. It also doesn't make anything long term look promising like, at all. Really gross. I'm sure you can do better. Literally every guy plays video games and card games.
Every dude I knew who talked about the girls he's slept with was absolutely not serious at all or had their longest relationship last only a few months.
No. 214457
>>21443010 is not a lot what so ever. I'm 32 and slept with 30~ guys and had 6 partners and in my city that's on the low end. I think it depends where you're at and the type of community you're in, but please don't feel ashamed and gross for that.
>>214433I know you mean well, but using that logic is hurtful to girls too. Like I get that you don't wanna be with some guy who's been with hundreds of women because that's a big red flag, but 10? That's really not that big of a deal. The only time I'd be weirded out is if you guys were like in highschool age or something.
>>214443ya this is 100% spot on. I've been always very open about my body count with every guy I've dated and they've almost all been completely fine with it – Except one guy, who HARASSED ME for 2-3 fucking years about it calling me a whore/slut etc even WELL after we broke up. Decent guys don't give a shit.
No. 214541
>>214452Confront him about it and let him know this equation bothers you. Ask him if he doesn't enjoy the intimacy and sex you have together, tell him you need to know why and what's up. Find out the true extent of how much porn he uses, at least try to talk it out and remind him how strongly porn conditions especially male viewers into new fetishes at the expense of female partners. Remind him that staying on this track will affect you negatively in the future, and that it's something he should care about. You're giving him a fair chance to fix his shit here.
If he asks, you may also tell him about your intimate and sexual needs, describe how your past/current sex life has met those and made you happy to be with him. He may come back to his senses, but it's not guaranteed. It's ultimately his choice if he values his porn more than he values you, a person. Sadly, most men will value their porn anyway. Don't beat yourself up over it if it turns out you didn't have the epic diplomacy skills to negotiate him out of his stupidity.
No. 214554
I’m really struggling with what to do with this girl I’m dating, especially after reading another nona’s vent in /ot. She REALLY likes me and is like, intense about it, and I genuinely really like her but don’t feel like I’m at the same level and don’t know if I ever will be. Keep in mind we’ve maybe known each other for 1 month by now and met on a dating app. She has
> bought me a bunch of small gifts to the point I had to tell her to stop
> she still does it or at least insinuates that she’s gotten me things and again, I tell her to stop
> showed up at my fucking apartment at 9PM as a “surprise” after getting back from a vacation
> asked me to be her gf that night, mind you it had been maybe 2 1/2 weeks at that time
> I said no and that I needed/wanted to take things very slow, and despite agreeing, she has not slowed down
Idk I do really like her and love spending time with her when we’re hanging out, but she practically love bombs me when we’re apart and it makes me so fucking uncomfortable. But it’s almost like I forget that when we hang out in person. Idk. Listing this out i’m already annoyed/uncomfortable again and should probably end it, I just feel like an asshole for breaking her heart which is also ridiculous bc again, it’s been a month at most. Is there any way to either fix this or end things as nicely as possible?
No. 214569
>>214554You're already seeing this many red flags, and she's already crossed the very few boundaries you've set. Any relationship with her is destined to be unhealthy. She shouldn't date anyone until she learns to stop behaving obsessively.
I've dealt with a similar relationship dynamic a few years ago, it devolved into minor stalking and meltdowns about me spending time with anyone who wasn't her. I had to block her on every platform, and she messaged every single mutual acquaintance to try to get them to ask me to talk to her again.
End it now before it gets crazier, trust me.
No. 214674
File: 1637865273230.jpeg (17.42 KB, 739x415, 43143CBC-7191-4817-AEA3-6A8042…)
How do I cope with the fact that no man I’ve ever had sex with actually really liked me or cared about me and just saw me as an easy lay?
No. 214828
File: 1637938870568.jpg (44.89 KB, 1080x821, 1634253764543.jpg)
Is it normal or bad to do this? I have been dating this guy online and we became really close over the course of almost a year but I saw his real side and I feel turned off by him. He's an incredibly sexist manchild. He didn't show any signs before but I am afraid to break up on my terms because he might leak my nudes. I am anonymously talking to this other guy who I like online and obviously he seems good but I have a habit of doing this cycle. I'm a serial online cheater. I have never found a man who sticks to their word and is actually a good person. I've dated in person and the same thing has happened. Is it bad to secretly date another guy until I find the right moment to break up with my current one? I've made my bed and I won't do nude things ever again (first time). Am I just going to keep doing this serial dating until something sticks? Am I just afraid of commitment?
No. 214861
>>214858I'm literally so stupid for that but none of them have my face in it at least. I'm a fucking idiot for that.
Is serial online dating not bad? It's what I do because of covid right now and I like it better than dating in real life because I can talk to them on a deeper level.
No. 214865
>>214861A lot of people don't consider online dating as real dating (esp if u don't even meet up) so that is debatable but before you're seriously boyfriend and girlfriend, people typically date multiple people even irl to keep their options open. I don't see a problem in what you're doing, especially if you're only finding problem men. Whether you have commitment issues or are doing this for some sort of thrill is something only you can answer. Obviously once you find someone you genuinely like, you should be able to settle.
But yeah, don't send your nudes. Good that you do not have your face in them. Take it easy, anon.
No. 214866
>>214858>only send nudes to your boyfriend who u absolutely trustYeah no, send nudes absolutely never. Many "trustable" men will readily leak nudes of women (not even just their gfs) in their lives, plenty of discussions online by moids prove this. Don't be naive.
>>214828We can't tell what underlying problem you (may) have that causes you to cheat.
No. 214868
>>214865>>214866It's mostly an online thing to find a suitable person. I might I might not who knows. I've realized the honeymoon period is real and people can be entirely different from how they present themselves so I don't know if this is totally a bad thing? I do feel guilty but I don't know if it's bad.
I'll never send nudes again. That was very stupid of me. Men are assholes.
No. 214894
>>2148913 years
and I didn't think it was a good idea per se, just thought it was no big deal, just like any other body mod. I always thought they were cute and him thinking so too was like a green light to do it
No. 214903
>>214878This is by far one of the dumbest things I've ever read on lolcow. You need to stop dating for a long time until your self esteem reaches bare minimum levels, and go see an orthodontist.
I doubt you'd need braces, teeth are weirdly easy to move around so a short period of separating them should really only need a short period of pushing them together. Maybe he can sort you out with some elastics.
No. 214976
>>214828Is there something missing in your single life that you feel like you get when you start dating a new person? For example, maybe a new partner makes you feel valued and worthy, or maybe you fear you will be lonely without a partner. When that new relationship feeling wears off, whatever thing you were seeking is no longer being met by the relationship.
Whatever it is, you are the only person who can address that missing thing. Partners can't fix you, partners can't cure loneliness. You have to find the missing thing in your own life for yourself.
No. 214989
>>214986I think most people just get too comfortable with a stable situation and not even realize it, and men are not taught to arrange stuff. You can totally say all of this stuff to him like you said it to us, it is clear you care about him and your relationship, if you talk to him calmly and rationally he may listen and understand.
Best of luck, Nonna!
No. 215035
>>215031I knew when I realized I could never imagine my life with anybody else because I never met someone who was on the same wavelength as me quite like him. Really feel like we are as close as "soulmates" you can get, have the same sense of humor and 5 million inside jokes only we understand, have the same plans for the future, same moral values, same politics and we even like the same lolcows. We are just aligned in every way and I don't think there is another person out there that I could have this with. We both kind of came to the conclusion that we should get married at the same time and he later proposed to me officially with the exact ring I always dreamed of.
I think in general these are things you should agree on/be on the same wavelength on before you get married:
- Religion/Moral values
- Politics
- Kids and if yes, how many and how you want to raise them
- Sexual expectations (do your libidos match?)
- Money (who pays for what? Who will take time off for the kids?)
- Where you want to live (house? apartment? country? city?)
- Who does what in the household (chores/raising kids)
unless you agree with each other on all those subjects, do not get married.
No. 215042
>>214995Flirting is just flirting. Like other anon said, there isn't really such a thing as 'flirting that's purely a harmless joke' It's an important boundary to have in place imo.
I don't exactly flirt with anyone else once I'm dating someone so I expect the same in return.
No. 215174
Am I letting my feelings get the best of me? I am a recovering porn-user and I have a hard time setting up boundaries after years of not caring about porn usage at all. I started going out with my male best friend a few months ago after months of ambiguity. We had the porn conversation but while he said he agrees with me on the personal impact of porn and that he had already cut his usage down "a lot" to once every week compared to his worst years as a teen in a repressive Muslim country. He said that now he simply watches a few short clips to get his imagination going when he needs to masturbate in between having sex (when we weren't together, he would have ONS fairly often, at least once every two weeks). I believed his low usage and not watching degen shit as I'd say the "worst" thing he brought up during sex is slapping my butt and grabbing me pretty hard, and also he is by far the most generous liver I've ever been with, but he could very well be hiding a depraved side. He however definitely doesn't agree on the extent of sex trafficking and warping of social relations of men and women porn brings, which could be because he watches seemingly harmless stuff without overt violence (or he could be a good liar and I am a clown). Anyway he asked me if I wanted him to stop and I said yes, and he said he was going to try.
Soon afterwards I had to leave to another country for two months, came back two weeks, and I am going back for another two months. While I was back, I asked him if he had used porn and he said yes. He said he gave in after three weeks, that he felt that masturbating without porn was just too boring after a while. I was so disappointed. Maybe I should have broken up with him then and there, as I would have if he had said that he had cheated on me, but I didn't have the strength to do it. I feel like while I theoretically should break up, it feels wrong because he is clearly not a porn addict and we are so far away. But that means I can talk the talk but not walk the walk. Also there are things I do that he hates, and feels as strongly as I do for porn (doing drugs, he really hates it for health reasons and his late father being an alcoholic) and yet I still smoked weed (he is more okay with weed compared to mdma/lsd) while I was away. I think he is unreasonable because I could see his point if I was a big user, but I use them very sparingly, but it makes me a hypocrite because he feels the same about porn. We talked about it on my last day together, we both feel like the other does something we intensely dislike but are not ready to break up over it, especially since we are away from one another. He did say he would find it much easier to stop if he could see me regularly.
I feel like I held up my end of the "bargain" better because I did not break my promise to him, but he broke his to me. But I feel like keeping tabs on each other like that is not a good idea. I am not sure what do nonnies, it's the first time I love a guy that loves me back and we both seem to want to move this relationship forward. I don't know if I should keep compromising. I don't know.
No. 215189
>>215174 "Worst years as a repressed teen in a Muslim country"
Sorry but do you think that all American teens are casually screwing each other and are not pornsick like many other countries?
And being repressed isn't necessarily even a bad thing when people are hooking up left and right, getting STDs and getting pumped n dumped as single mothers.
No. 215344
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i want to be alone. we’ve been together for over 5 years. i think he’s going to legitimately kill himself or something so i’ve basically stayed out of guilt. i brought up that i’m unhappy again last night and he started crying and said i was “the love of his life” and all the other 11th-hour lovebombing stuff people do when they’re scared.
he said he felt like we were just roommates the other day and he didn’t want it to be like that but i can’t even bring myself to have sex with him or be physical. the attraction is gone. we argue. i’m depressed, he’s depressed. i moved across the country away from my family and am isolated. i work remotely but my job doesn’t hire out of the state my family lives in.
i don’t know why he wants to stay with someone that says they’re unhappy when he says he’s not happy either. he thinks we can “fix things”. i don’t have the energy. i’ve had one foot out the door for months and i don’t know how to rip the band-aid off. i’m okay living my life without him as a romantic partner but i don’t think he is without me. we’d have always been better off as friends but he refuses to admit it. what am i doing? where am i expected to go from here? we don’t own a house or anything but we do live together, dog, etc. i just want to be myself again. i’m so drained and exhausted putting his feelings and considerations above mine all this time. i can’t keep hanging on just because he needs me to. it’s not fair to either of us and he’s in denial, he doesn’t want to be alone. i get it but it’s not fair to either of us. what a disaster.
No. 215364
>>215344I got out of a 6 year relationship that was just like this. Constant arguing, crying, suicide threats, depression, obsession, me constantly forgiving him, breaking up and getting back together etc. Eventually I just decided to move back in with my parents, I started going to parties with friends and I met a new guy. It completely changed me and I felt alive again. I just blocked my ex everywhere. He even tried messaging my family but eventually in time, we just never talked again. He did however find out that I had someone new, and he definitely stopped talking to me after that. I suggest maybe taking the long trip back to your parents.
Toxic relationships are draining mentally and spiritually and you need to be around people who actually love you to recover.
No. 215370
File: 1638254473579.gif (2.74 MB, 408x218, 4294375D-3EFC-46EB-9838-BE85E8…)
How do I convince my good friend to break up with her shitty boyfriend? He’s a doughy homosocial finance bro gamer and she’s a high-flying engineering grad who he’s only going to weigh down as time goes on. He avoids spending any time just the two of them and she’s gaslighting herself into thinking it’s not an issue. He turns her cute date ideas into group trips with them and his boys, he’s spending New Years doing drugs with 20+ of his closest friends instead of her, and she’s been trying to convince him to go on a couples trip to Cancun for years and he’s been indifferent but when his friends suggested a boys trip to Cancun he jumped right on it. I facetimed her earlier tonight and I explained to her how shitty and suspect this all sounded but she assured me everything was fine and I was basically picrel for the next 20 minutes hearing her talk about how much he pisses her off but she loves him.
The worst part is in 2022 he’s moving across the country for a job (at his dads firm kek) and they’re going to be LDR for the foreseeable future. I can feel it in my bones that at some point between now and then he’s going to dump her hard and fast or string her along for weeks/months/years until he finds someone closer and more convenient in his new city. I just can’t make her see reason. I’m not kidding when I say she could have anyone she wants and it actually hurts me to see her tie so much of her energy to this guy. Have I mentioned that she and I have been friends for 3 years and in all that time he’s barely said five words to me? She spends so much time hanging around him and his friends but I don’t think he could name three of her friends with a gun to his head.
Argh idk what to do or say to her nonas and this is half a vent but any advice would be helpful. I just hate seeing 10 women tie themselves to 4.5 men.
No. 215372
>>214867>hardcore feminist>sending men nudesretard
>>215351NTA but literally either move back to your family's area or get a new apartment where you are? People get new apartments all the time, you don't need a bf to do it.
No. 215428
This is probably really retarded, but I "lied" about my age and I'm not sure what to do at this point. We met online, and on the original post I made I used a different, but similiar age just because I'm so paranoid that if I talk about anything that could potentially be tracked back to me, and already have to use some real data (like my occupation or country of origin), I'll usually at least hint in or change something to throw any potential stalker off. So pure autism, moving on.
And then he contacted me, and he added me. I completely forgot that the post said I'm 2 years younger than I am actually, so when he later said something I was surprised, but just went along with it, since I didn't think this online friendship would last for long. Now we're getting pretty romantic a,d he's planning on visiting… and I have to idea how to bring it up. He thinks he's younger than me by two years, but there's actually a 4-year gap between us, which I guess still isn't like a scary age gap, but at this point I feel like he'd be more mad that I lied for months. How can I be so retarded and awkward? I don't think he'd disbelieve my spergy explanation for why I originally misinformed him, but I can't really justify never correcting him the 3 or so times our ages came up.
No. 215448
>>215440The same thing happens to me too
nonny. It's so annoying because cute guys are so hard to find, and when you do finally come across one, he's unattainable for some odd reason that has nothing to do with you. I'd rather get rejected than keep wondering what life would be like with those dudes kek
No. 215952
File: 1638641591567.gif (69.45 KB, 250x188, 9tIN.gif)
honest to god never thought a scrote's inability to manage money would be a reason i'm planning on dumping him. isn't that like the ONE thing they're supposed to be able to handle?
No. 215977
There's this friend of mine (18) who is chatting with a guy (26) she finds very very attractive and they have repeatedly stated their mutual interest in fucking each other. The problem is that the guy just told her last week that he has a girlfriend and he's just bored of the sex with her, so he's flirting around to meet other girls. Aside from the cheating part, in my opinion he's also been very manipulative, leveraging on my friend's insecurities to get her attached to him, acting possessive, etc. Now she cries herself to sleep most nights. I've suggested to cut any tie with him but she's too into him; also tried to convince her to contact the guy's gf but my friend is all like "no, he's a relationship kind of guy (my ass he is) and he's just having a bad moment, I don't want to ruin things between him and his gf". She's a smart girl, but in this she's so weak-willed, by her own ammission "if he looks at me that way I won't be able to resist"
I don't know what to do, especially since we're only internet friends and live hundreds of km apart. They're actually going to a party together and I'm afraid something could happen that she will regret, but I can't think of anything I could do to help, I don't even know who the guy is. It's just so frustrating.
Any advice? How would you deal with this?
No. 216038
File: 1638686059091.jpeg (59.37 KB, 615x697, 1FE1B411-745E-4877-B256-A93C15…)
Should I link up with my old fwb next weekend when I’m back in my old city? I cut him off when I moved away ~6 months ago, but there’s literally no good men in my new town and I just need a reliable fuck to let off some steam. I was back there last weekend and saw him on tinder so at the very least I know I won’t be homewrecking. I’m not under any impression that we’re getting together and don’t want to make things serious I just want some reliable sex with a scrote I can trust not to rape or murder me.
No. 216049
>>215344Why not to get couple counseling? Why not to try therapy? I know it may be expensive, but have you even considered it?
it looks like you're both unwell, and leaving in such a state may not be an actual solution. I think you both need to check up your hormonal health, get your diet fixed, set a new routine.
Try living separately for a month before you actually leave to see how it goes.
Anyway, I wish you both the best.
No. 216093
>>215347No need to feed her ego with the cliche "you're a girlboss who's too good for his crusty musty ass anyway" platitudes. That poster doesn't sound like she has her shit either and I doubt she's "putting in the effort to get better" either since she's allowed this situation to go on for so long despite being mentally checked out. This
>>216049 is really the only constructive advice she's received but as that anon mentioned, it's an expensive option and since she doesn't sound like she wants to put in any effort either, they might as well save the money.
No. 216106
>>216049yeah let me go get couple's therapy for someone i'm not physically attracted to. why waste everyone's time? i'm not physically or hormonally ill, i'm in good shape and exercise daily. i'm just in a tough spot mentally because i'm trying not to hurt someone i've spent the better part of my adulthood with.
>>216093you're retarded. they gave literally the most general advice ever. my op was basically a vent anyway. telling woman to stay with a man just for the sake of the sunk cost is not good advice.
No. 216115
>>216106you're by your own admission depressed, staying in a relationship months after mentally checking out and asking for imageboard advice. you do need therapy of some kind. the other anon's advice wasn't even invoking sunk cost fallacy, it was about not breaking up while in the worst spot mentally without at least looking to fix that first. nobody should stay in a five year long relationship just because it was five years long but it's also not something to just discard without any effort.
>>216110gtfo back to relationship_advice to mindlessly spam "omg red flag break up!", redditor
No. 216133
>>216131i said i wanted to be alone
>>216132>If he ropes over it that's on him.i'm not on this level of sociopathy
No. 216199
File: 1638763994404.jpeg (199.4 KB, 507x533, F70FAAC2-F369-4D98-B65B-BCBB1B…)
>>216043Thanks for the push nona. I ended up messaging him and telling him what night I was free and he straight away asked me to let him take me out dancing. That stupid son of a bitch is giving me exactly what I want and I didn’t even have to ask. I kind of get now why scrotes string girls along and play with their emotions, this is kind of fun tbh.
No. 216398
My boyfriend of 6 months (not a long time, I know) and I broke up a couple of days ago and I feel horrible.
Since he started a new job about 2 months ago we've only seen each other about once or twice a week, despite his workplace being only 20 minutes away from my place. He said that he was stressed because of his new job and needed to spend time by himself after work, so at first I didn't really think much of it, especially since I know that the first couple of weeks can be stressful. But what made things worse is that we didn't really text in between either - he has always been a bad texter, sometimes taking up to 2 days to reply. But the fact that we weren't seeing each other combined with the lack of texting made me feel lonely and unwanted, which I told him a couple of times.
What led to our breakup in the end though was the fact that I got really sick a couple of weeks ago. During that time he asked me once how I was feeling, and after I replied that I was not feeling well he again ignored my message. I live alone and was in desperate need for some love and support, which he didn't give me at all. So I more or less broke up with him via text, telling him that it's clear he doesn't give a shit about me and that I deserve better.
Last week we met up to talk about the breakup (I was sick for quite some time so we weren't able to meet up before), he tells me he doesn't really love me, that he always felt really excited about his exes, wanting to see them all the time, but that he doesn't feel the same way about me. I then made the mistake of asking him if there's someone at his work he's interested in. Turns out he has a crush on a coworker, who is a lot more extroverted than me and therefore easier to get to know. Knowing that he has basically already moved on with someone he's seeing almost every day makes me feel absolutely horrible. I can't help but feel like I should have been more extroverted, that I should have given him more of myself. But then again how could I, if he didn't even give me the chance?
I'm obsessing over his coworker (who I've never even seen nor met) and can't stop thinking about what he told me. He said that nothing happened between the two (yet), but I still feel kind of violated/ cheated on in a way? How do I get over this?
No. 216403
>>216396What
>>216402 said and also try to get a restraining order against him. He's dangerous, anon. Be careful. Do you have friends or family near you that you can lean on?
No. 216404
>>216398I know it hurts now, but in due time you’ll get over it. He obviously didn’t respect you during the relationship, as evidenced by his inability to simply reply to your texts. Then after you break up, he can’t even spare your feelings and just keep it short (it’s not working out, we’re just not compatible, etc.). Instead, compares you to his exes and admits that he’s already moved on.
I’ve gone out with people I just didn’t vibe with and never even seriously dated and I would never treat them that way. There’s no point in wishing you were more extroverted or anything else. You guys weren’t a good match and you deserve someone who has the courtesy to give you the time of day. I know how it is to feel inadequate and wishing I were more/less x, y, or z for some shit head who looking back wasn’t worth my time.
Just take some time to yourself to get over it and move on. Someday you’ll look back and scoff at the fact you spent time invested in this dude.
No. 216514
>>216513>are you having sex regularly?We are temporarily long distance but when we are together sex isn’t a problem, he’s enthusiastic and initiates it always
> Does he compliment your appearance in non-vulgar ways?Always he calls me cute, pretty, beautiful.
I’ve had CBT suggested to be before, I’m not able to see a therapist right now, is that something I can work on by myself? My self esteem issues are our biggest relationship obstacle
No. 216848
>>216514>is that something I can work on by myself?Yes
nonny, I recommend the book Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques by McKay. I didn't have money and I don't like talking to therapists anyway, but it helped me improve my self image and thought patterns a lot on my own. It's consistent work but you can definitely change your outlook
No. 216901
>>216885Sounds like you're diving into this way too eagerly given you fell out of touch for a while and you didn't know his recent dating experiences til that ex hit you up. There should be a big question mark over his head right now, not 'I hope he wants me too' Ask yourself why you so readily want him.
I know you knew him before but people change and the ex having to contact you is sus. She obviously didn't trust that he was being honest with her. There's often a backstory when that happens. No woman wants to send the 'hey did my bf cheat on me with you' message to some stranger. It takes guts to ask that. Things didn't end on a great note when you're asking that. I'd keep in mind that people repeat patterns in relationships and it takes a great deal of work, reflection and time to change. He's freshly out of a relationship where the woman wasn't sure if he was cheating on her or not.. imo you're walking into a high chance of the same.
No. 216916
>>216851Good for you anon, these decisions are not easy! If you live in relatively big city, you can look for some local hobby activities, idk yoga, board games, drawing; otherwise - if you work or study - try to get closer to your colleagues, participate in something with them? Worst case scenario - set up tinder, state you're looking for friends, not sex or relationships, and go from there. Good luck!
>>216861Look up attachments styles and see if something there rings a bell for you, maybe there's a reason you start feeling like this in a longer relationship? Otherwise I'd really really encourage having a conversation with your boyfriend, let him know you feel like this and brainstorm the ideas on what could you two do to ensure you feel more secure.
No. 217191
File: 1639410910623.jpg (182.21 KB, 1000x1400, somen_0025.jpg)
Posted in the other thread, but I feel even more uncertain after trying to talk to him. I'm a freshman, he's a junior (in college) – first boyfriend, I feel like he's being low effort already in the first month.
Few dates besides hanging out at his place & watching a movie (and his dates aren't very expensive anyway, they've consisted of nature walks & any time we go somewhere I always pay half which I don't really mind). I will say that he texted me that he'd cover for lunch once since I let him use multiple guest meal swipes (I'm a freshman). He acted iffy when the time came and initially asked to split the bill, but relented when the owner said he couldn't split one small dish.
And since there's nothing to do but… him, at his place, I think he likes me coming over as he knows that we'll just fool around. Also, he wants to have sex (both virgins) but I've told him things like "I'm not ready yet", "feels too soon" and he stops but says coercive things. I do tease him a lot when I'm there but it's because I feel bored… but I really don't feel ready. I don't want to lose it this soon to someone who I might regret losing it to.
I tried to talk to him about how low effort the relationship seemed to me, I actually intended to ask him for time to resolve my feelings myself because I felt extremely uncertain about the relationship at his place yesterday. But after we talked, (heard about his depression and stuff) I felt guilty for even thinking about it. I feel like I'm an easy way for him to lose his virginity and fool around with zero effort, and what I expect from him is not what he has in mind in terms of gender roles.
I read about the honeymoon phase but I never really feel it besides the week after we met, and the second time I went to his place the novelty faded away. I like him a lot as a person. He's sweet. He's kind. He remembers things. We click a lot personality wise. He just doesn't feel right as a boyfriend.
Am I insane? Are my standards just sky high or what?
No. 217216
>>217213Nah. Only go after him if his marriage ends for one reason or another (don't try to be the reason). If you butt in now, he'll probably just keeps you for mistress while procrastinating his final decision to the nth world era, ultimately choosing to "fix" shit with his wife because she's what he's used to. And even if he leaves her for you, you would be a fool to trust he's not gonna pull the same stunt on you once it inevitably gets normal-tier rocky between you two.
Ride out your crush in your fantasies and let it pass on its own terms. Who knows, you might get over him and find someone who would keep you as his first, or better yet, only choice.
No. 217233
>>217213No, save yourself the trouble and wait until they actually get divorced (if they ever do).
>>217227I'm convinced there are some farmers that just like to purposefully give out terrible advice
>it's not your job to save someone else's marriageShe doesn't have to "save" their marriage, but that doesn't mean she should get involved with it in the first place. She's still responsible for her actions if she does decide to do anything with him. Jesus, anon.
No. 217236
>>217233i'm convinced there are some farmers who have never left the house. well, i guess that's most of you.
if the guy wants to have an affair and/or leave his wife, he'll do it anyway, be it with that anon or someone else. she doesn't have a "responsibility" to anyone in this situation, she didn't say any vows to the wife, that was him. she's her own person and has the autonomy to do what she wants with her life.
No. 217239
>>217227>ignore the puritans lolyeah sure it's puritanical of us to let a woman know that it's a bad idea to become a married man's plan b escape instead of looking for one that's ready to invest 100% from the get go.
nonnie herself made it clear she has feelings and 'thinks it could work', so no, it's not about just having fun and fucking around.
tldr keep your short-sighted shit 'advice' to your slut self lmao you have nothing to offer
No. 217245
I had a long argument with my bf over text about this last night and it got absolutely nowhere, so I'd appreciate outside opinions. My bf wants me to go on a trip with his family and some of him and his brother's friends to their family vacation home in the middle of the mountains. I have already been on this kind of trip with them 3 or 4 times before and I hated it every time. My bf, his brother, and their friends all end up completely fucking off to do a hobby I have no knowledge or interest of, leaving me behind with his parents and his brother's gf. I'm on good terms with them, but I don't have much to talk about with any of them. There's nothing for me to do, save try and help his mom out with stuff or chat. I've gone off and played video games alone before but I got the impression his family saw this as a weird antisocial thing to come to someone else's vacation house to do. I'm still in school, so my most convenient excuse has been going off on my own to do schoolwork, but this trip will be occurring right after Christmas so I won't have any. So I don't get to spend time with my bf nor do I get to do anything else worthy of spending 3-5 days at someone else's place and I told him as much. However, he insists that I should try and overcome my awkwardness and get closer with his family. He said this is considered something of a family social obligation and that not going will only make future things with his family more awkward. His brother's gf always comes along to these for some reason so it'll be weird and he'll be questioned if I don't. I am a sperg, so is this just some sperg reasoning on my part justifying something that's a social faux pas? In my eyes it's a dick move for him to drag me along somewhere that I have nothing to do while he goes off to have fun with his friends for 6+ hours a day without me. What's the point of my being there?
No. 217246
>>217236>if the guy wants to have an affair and/or leave his wife, he'll do it anyway, be it with that anon or someone elseObviously, but why does that mean she should be the one he cheats with? Of course she can do what she wants, but that doesn't mean it's perfectly ok to do it, or that it will work out. It doesn't matter if she took any vows, our actions still affect other people whether or not we like it, and she still would be responsible for anything
she decides to do with him. Also, you're really slow if you can't see why this is bad aside from the obvious.
No. 217256
>>217239>>217240women can have sex for fun too you know. that's why i'm telling her to protect her feelings. if she stays grounded and does not get ahead of herself, then good for her. also you're really proving my point by bringing out "slut" and "whore", sorry some of us actually have sex instead of just releasing pent up sexual frustration by rubbing one out to anime boys on /g/
>>217246>Obviously, but why does that mean she should be the one he cheats with?because she wants to? they're two consenting adults, lolcow's "i do not consent!" does not matter here. the only person she has responsibility towards in this situation is herself - not the wife, not lolcow. herself. it's a matter of personal agency. the husband made his choice, now it's up to the anon to choose what she wants to do with her life and her body. as long as she acts in a responsible manner towards herself this is a fine decision to make for herself. it's only her being a "married man's plan b escape" if she's really dumb or if you view women as helpless naive maidens who don't have the agency to enjoy sex. she said she likes him, not that she's in 4ever luv with him, you know.
No. 217260
>>217256>lolcow's "i do not consent!" does not matter here>not lolcowWhat does this even mean? She asked lolcow for advice, so we gave it to her.
>if you view women as helpless naive maidens who don't have the agency to enjoy sexAgain, what are you talking about? No one said anon isn't allowed to enjoy sex or that women are "helpless naive maidens", we just said she shouldn't fuck married men. You're turning this into something it isn't.
No. 217273
>>217260>>217266>>217268sorry your nigels cheated on you and instead of blaming them you're taking it out on other women and trying to control their agency <3 it's the responsibility of the people involved in a relationship to keep the relationship intact, outside people don't owe you anything and aren't at fault if it goes wrong
>>217261there's a middle ground between meaningless sex and immediately getting married. as long as she keeps herself grounded, i still don't see any harm. no need to infantilize adult women.
No. 217278
File: 1639439117628.jpg (1.49 MB, 2145x1213, 27 11.jpg)
I have been dating my boyfriend since 6 months and instantly after we started dating I told him to keep our relationship secret or rather private. Not because I am ashamed of him but because I am extremly anxious and ashamed of myself. I don't want him going around and telling people that he is together with such an ugly and stupid woman like me. I am nowhere his level and I bet he could get a really pretty and smart girlfriend, but instead he choose to date me, a fucking compressed, very mentally ill midget with the worst face and no talents, skills or ambitions. This isn't even the only reason why I want to keep our relationship a secret, the other reason being that I am too anxious about what other people are saying about us and what my boyfriend could tell them. I often heard the pattern of boyfriends going outside with their male friendgroup only to talk shit about their girlfriend and completly sexualize and objectify her in a really deragatory and disgusting way. I am sure that my boyfriend wouldn't do this because he is really loving and caring but this fear still lingers around my mind. My brain instantly made out every single possible scenario that could occur and how it would ruin me, my reputation and relationship If people would know about our relationship. But to be honest, its easy to see through our alleged 'friendship', and lots of people at campus already think that we are a couple but the only thing they don't have is the confirmation, which they will never get. It's quite hypocritical to say but I myself have told one really good reallife friend and my good internet friend about this relationship. This only happened because in my mind these two people tick all the boxes of being 100% people I can trust with this information because I can guarantee with my previous experiences that they will keep their mouth shut and won't sabotage our relationship. The reallife friend is someone who we are both close with and who is not a degenerate and respects both of us as persons, especially our relationship and its privacy. My internetfriend is someone whom I have known for almost a decade and is basically my childhood friend, who doesn't know both of us in reallife and thus can't endanger our relationship. This however results in one problem, being that my boyfriend wants to tell his bestfriend about our relationship. I already told him that he can't do this because I don't know this person, thus making him very suspicious and untrustworthy. He told me that I don't have to worry about it but bitch I absolutely do. Why should a fucking random person I don't know (who in addition to that was porn-addicted and generally talks about woman in a degeratory way) should know about our relationship? I am scared that this pattern that I already mentioned above could actually occur. A guy who talks shit about woman and is clearly only talking to woman in hopes of laying them should definetly not know about our relationship but my boyfriend thinks otherwise. According to him I have a complete false impression of him and that only because he used to jerk off 40 times in 2 days doesn't mean that he is a degenerate. I am scared because his friend is talking shit about woman and not treating them with the respect I would hope for and its creating a possibility of me also being shittalked, which is an absolute danger to our relationship, thus should not happen. I also don't think that he should even tell him because it's not something of great information, rather in contrast it's such a useless information that could hurt us greatly. In addition to that it's absolutely embarassing to know that his best friend knows about our relationship, especially because it's just me. I am literally nothing extraordinary or a fucking flex or something, so why should he even know? I am not a trophy or a pretty woman, just a very ugly and mentally ill woman and it's not even worth taking the risk of ruining our relationship. I don't even know why he would want to admit to dating me, since I am a fucking useless and ugly goblina. I wish I could be a girlfriend you could brag about but instead I am a fucking failure and a completly ruined human being. Back to the topic; my boyfriend told me that it's unfair of me to prohibit him from wanting to tell his degenerate best friend about it but what should I do? I mean I have no other fucking choice or do I? How can i solve this problem? II also know that I shouldn't have told my friends but fuck I just wanted to share my happiness with my dearest friends becasue I finally found love after all these years of misery. Nonnies, I'm a fullblown retard, aren't I?
Additional info: I am drunk + I was hardcore abused my entire life (pic unrelated)
No. 217282
>>217278>I don't want him going around and telling people that he is together with such an ugly and stupid woman like me. I am nowhere his level and I bet he could get a really pretty and smart girlfriend, but instead he choose to date me, a fucking compressed, very mentally ill midget with the worst face and no talents, skills or ambitions.You're viewing him through rose-colored glasses. If he's dating someone like you, he's probably on the same level as you and has nothing to be ashamed of by being seen with you. Even the ugliest most loser-ly men usually have insanely high standards (something women should really start emulating), if a man is with a mentally ill and unattractive woman, it's not because he has options. Stop putting him on a pedestal while putting yourself down.
>who in addition to that was porn-addicted and generally talks about woman in a degeratory wayAgain, same advice. If he's friends with someone like that and defends him under the pretense that "you don't really know him" or "he's not like that", it's because he's exactly the same as the friend. Most moids act like that around other moids and most moids have gross friends because they're also gross and see nothing wrong with that behavior. Stop idolizing your scrote and once you do the shame about yourself and fear of "what will people think" should subside.
No. 217286
File: 1639443700980.jpeg (40.91 KB, 403x422, DB8968BE-66BD-42EE-BC79-A79DD6…)
Nonas, have you ever experienced your bf, or ex-bfs, lying about what/how much porn they consume? I’m porn-free and single, but I fear that if I do end up in a relationship with a guy that’s ‘supposedly’ porn-free, or at least limiting his consumption of porn and restricting it to non-overtly violent porn, but is just another coomer
No. 217296
>>217279>she wants to thoughthen why did she come to the advice thread looking for advice?
>that's all puritanical bs rooted in religious dogma that says you're supposed to stay with one person until death or else you will burn in hell.or maybe some people actually care about other people's feelings and develop empathy
No. 217298
>>217296probably for something more helpful than pearl clutching?
and if you actually take people's feelings into account and have empathy, you realize that it is in human nature to be attracted to other people. the current forever monogamy system we have is deeply tied with the patriarchy and unsustainable. i don't condone cheating but i can understand how people end up feeling miserable in marriage and seeing no other option.
No. 217306
>>217299i don't know the couple's situation, maybe they will end up breaking up. but the thing is that wanting to fuck another person doesn't have to be an indication that you love the person you are with any less. everybody wants that and if we were honest about it maybe infidelity or divorce wouldn't be the only options in situations like this one.
>>217300nah, i've been cheated on in the past but moved on it from it like an adult without fixating on cheating as this great evil. it's sad but it's a thing that happens to most people. now i prefer relationships where we are honest about our attraction to other people.
and the "advice" in this thread is rooted in the immature reddit-tier idea that cheating is basically the worst thing you can do to another person. it's a kneejerk reaction to difficult subjects and not actual good advice.
No. 217311
>>217309if you can't handle discussing relationships on an intellectual level without resorting to loaded emotional terms like "upset" and "defend", then it's probably for the best you don't have time.
next time i'll remember to just comment "red flag, break up" to anons asking for advice, maybe that's more your speed
No. 217312
>>217297If he's an ex, how come you still talk to him? This sounds like a situation thats pretty bad on your mental health, he's moved on and you shouldn't be trying to peep in and see what he's up to. It will only make your mind run wild and get anxious/paranoid, which I believe is already happening to you. The healthiest activity you can do for yourself is let him go and live his life, and find new things to be preoccupied with.
>how do I get my sadness and jealousy under control?You avoid the thing that gives you sadness and jealousy in the first place.
No. 217350
>>217306>nah, i've been cheated onso that's how you became this fucked up and now you're trying to act stronger than you are anonymously, crying about muh puritanism, sexism and sexual agency when all this bs boils down to you being afraid of the mere concept of intimacy and how people's emotions are attached to their sexuality
>moved on it from it like an adult without fixating on cheating as this great eviland instead you're fixated on cheating as a human right because 'muh feelings cant be repressed', lmao expose yourself more retard
No. 217363
>>217245I'm on your side completely and I advise you to stand your ground and not go, but then again I'm a cold-hearted opposite of a family person so I'm not sure my opinion matters. I guess you'll have to settle on agree to disagree on this matter with your bf and see if it's a dealbreaker for you two or not. It's fine if he prioritizes his family like that, some people are into it and it's perfectly okay. But some are not and it's okay too. Explain to him you already gave it a chance in the past but it didn't work out and him forcing you to do it is brewing up a resentment which will negatively affect your relationship. Like, I too get shit from my family for not bringing my bf to get togethers but in the end I value his happiness more then theirs. It's him I'm living and spending the rest of my life together, not them. He hates those meetings so I'm not asking him to come, sorry mom and dad it's not personal he just has other shit to do, end of discussion.
>>217299Not gonna jump into this whole discussion but I just wanna say I hate this shit:
>at least break up first before fucking another personMaybe an unpopular opinion, but I disagree. Him breaking up so he can fuck the other girl the next day makes it even more disrespectful & painful for me. Because it's like he won't even test the waters first, no, he'll throw everything we've built together out of the window for the opportunity to fuck someone that might even be a very bad lay. All while sporting "the good guy" badge because at least he broke up with the old gf first. Fuck.
No. 217376
>>217372Nta, and I come from culture where it's common for young people in their mid-late 20s to live with their parents, but she has right to be upset. After 1.5 year of dating it's acceptable to move in together to actually see if they are or aren't compatible. You'll never guess these things from living apart. But as for this anon's case…
>>217368I'm sorry but there probably is a reason. Dig deeper, talk to him to find out. Worse case scenario he just wants to casually date you and nothing more serious, best case scenario…. well I can't think of one really. Maybe he wants to experience living with friends for a year before settling with you. But even that's a weak excuse.
No. 217380
>>217371My first time living with a partner I had essentially one of the worst case scenarios play out. I had rented before but he hadn't. He moved out of his parents place to get a place with me. When things went sour a couple years later he didn't communicate and just went missing one day, left me with the lease which had 10 months left on it. He rang his bank and cancelled utilities. He'd gone back to mom again and just refused to face me. I sucked it up and took the financial loss because legally chasing it up would be more hassle and cost than I could really face, all right after a super sudden and on my end an unexpected break up. It was a one bedroom apt so I couldn't get a roommate and I took on more debt with every passing month for 10 months. The next guy I lived with, the lease was in his name alone. I had trust issues and wasn't looking to get burnt again. He landed me with the news of his affair one day but at least I walked away without any major ties that time. Huge relief being able to do that. The abandoned lease fucked me up harder than a full on affair did lol. It haunted me for longer.
My point being, if someone seems reluctant or is showing they're not ready or looking to move in together yet I wouldn't push it seeing as the fallout of it can be so bad. Its a financial risk if one partner flakes. If you break up theres no clean break anymore and both partners need to somehow repress pettiness to deal with it. I'd discuss it with him but without applying pressure. 1.5 years isn't unreasonable at all but maybe he wants you both to experience renting alone/with friends first. Moving straight from your parents to then settling down with a partner is something people have mixed views on but I think its good to rent solo at least once. It helps build responsibility and shows future partners you can manage your own finances before they commit to signing with you. Having roommates first can be a healthy stepping stone before couples-renting but I also get where you're coming from tbh. It's never nice realising you're not on the same page or not moving at the same pace.
No. 217386
File: 1639497644486.jpeg (55.21 KB, 343x360, 1606286404729.jpeg)
>>217364cry more about being treated like a slutty caricature while being the first to call everyone a meanie evul puritan1! out of nowhere and assuming that every disagreement with your cuck stance is based on purely religious woowoo lol "i was cheated on but im ok with it which means everyone has to be too or theyre stupid" girl you strawmanned your own ass congrats
No. 217391
>>217386>every disagreement with your cuck stance is based on purely religious woowoothe idea that it's a sin to have sex outside of the sanctity of marriage is literally religious dogma, sorry that it hurts your feelings to point this out. for a good part of human history, up to as recently as colonization when it comes to indigenous societies, the idea of "cheating" did not inspire the frothing-at-the-mouth rage it does in many westerners today. the expectation to stay with one person forever until death was simply not a thing. that's a result of puritan morality, whether you like acknowledging it or not.
>"i was cheated on but im ok with it which means everyone has to be too or theyre stupid"you don't have to be "ok" with it and i wasn't "ok" with it either, but hyper-focusing on cheating and writing off cheaters as scum (at which point you're writing off the majority of people) means you're letting your bruised ego overwhelm your logic
anyway you sound very young and probably not very experienced with relationships so trust me when i say the way you see things is going to change
>>217389i'm european and too old for tumblr, but being pro-personal agency and anti-treating bodies as property and possessiveness is a perfectly common stance among anti-capitalist feminists. i'm not the only one talking about these things. i wonder how hard would you ladies seethe if you read the dispossessed by le guin.
No. 217395
>>217393was just musing, didn't mean to imply anything about you personally. now i'm quite curious about that tumblr user lol
>>217394sure, a writer who was strongly anti-patriarchy, anti-comphet, anti-capitalism and just overall anti-exploitation of women in every way was actually scrote-tier because you do not like her personally. words mean whatever you want them to.
No. 217409
File: 1639507227315.gif (1018.67 KB, 500x373, 1446163796386.gif)
I've been dating a guy for a year now and I'm wondering if we're even compatible.
Initially we seemed compatible because we have similar hobbies, but a year on there's some stuff I'm unsure about.
>our politics are vastly different. I hate politics and am center-right, meanwhile he's full on commie. I have a business and he talks about exploitation as if I'm fucking beating the people I employ (who I pay over $100 an hour).
>he's vegan, I eat a lot of meat and am not willing to convert or raise future kids vegan. I'm always getting some murder lecture and "why can't you buy the vegan version" shit
>our humor is different. honestly I feel ignored when I make a joke, and find his jokes totally stupid.
>his home is a fucking mess and I'm a clean freak
80% of the things he talks about I find stupid and uninteresting. His communism and veganism makes me want to set things on fire.
The things I like about him are:
>he's hot, he is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life
>he keeps fit
>he's very loyal
>he's sweet and kind
>families get along
I feel like he personifies that "he's hot until he opens his mouth" meme.
Honestly I don't know if I'm better off alone, or with him until it gets too annoying. My judgement is being clouded by how hot he is and how nice he is to me. I'm also lonely and I don't know when I'd find anyone again especially given the lockdowns. I want someone more serious and more compatible but feel like no one will meet the loyalty he has shown.
Any advice?
No. 217413
>>217409He sounds like a person who's fiercely loyal and committed to not just people and his values but individual topics and interests as well. It's admirable in a way and a sign of a mentally strong person, but also makes him an inflexible partner. Are you ready for him to be all about communism and veganism for the rest of his life? And is he genuinely ready to accept that he can't forcibly change these specific parts of your life that he disagrees with? Are the both of you really trying to find ways to 'fit' each other, or are you just constantly exhausted around each other?
>judgement is being clouded by how hot he is and how nice he isThis here might be at least a part of the answer you're looking for. There's a slight difference between being unrelentingly attracted to someone vs. finding them good-looking. Is he easy to be around or does it feel right to be around him?
imho you two might be incompatible but you need to spend energy on re-thinking this anyway, so take a thorough look at why you're in this relationship and what it gives you or takes from you
No. 217415
>>217409With every sentence I lost more and more hope for you tbh. That's alot of the usual boxes you want to tick that aren't being ticked. Resentment grows when you've that much in the way and especially when he's already lecturing you about diet and morals. It's not like he's even letting you do your own thing if he's inserting himself. Like it's been one year.. cute that he even thinks he has the right to.
I've differed with someone before, only in a couple of areas and I'm not too intense with opinions so I can sit back and let it be.. it still played a large role in the eventual split though. Certain disagreements will always come back around and bite you on the ass.
The fact that him being hot is the first thing on the pros list.. I'm tempted to say 'treat this a fling with an expiration date' but realistically you probably can't walk things back like that. After a year of already dating it'd be messy at best.
No. 217420
>>217416could you just not be you for a hot second
>>217417yes, the most important detail to determine if it's doomed
No. 217423
>>217413I do admire him sticking to his beliefs, but it's possible to stick to them and not try to annoyingly convert everyone around you. I don't try to turn him into a carnivore capitalist.
>being unrelentingly attracted to someoneI can't believe 1.5 years on I'm still unrelentingly attracted to him. Chemistry really fucked me up
>>217415>Like it's been one year.. cute that he even thinks he has the right to. He didn't say anything for the first few months. Then he started lecturing me, talking how he expected me to join his views and learn from example lol. I hate this - this moid mentality that I'll be so in love I'll change myself for him.
>>217417He is lol. Think of the most stereotypical leftie male and that's him, except in a hot body.
>>217421What views does a tradthot handmaiden have?
No. 217424
>>217418I mean, you're giving him free sex because he's hot even though he's a slob that gets off on lecturing you? Seriously, love yourself enough to find someone that you at least like being around most of the time. You should not be considering whether you're compatible or not at this stage. You clearly are not.
>>217415>I'm tempted to say 'treat this a fling with an expiration date' but realistically you probably can't walk things back like that. After a year of already dating it'd be messy at best.Agree, it sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. You don't need to go into every relationship with the goal of forever, and it could have been okay for temporary if it hadn't gone this far, but at this point it's would be more trouble than it's worth to try and walk it back into casual territory.
No. 217427
>>217424You could also see it as me getting sex and neverending attention from a hot man lol. It's not like I live with him.
>>217425Okay now I understand lol. By traditional I meant no hyper leftie shit.
No. 217432
>>217429just end it, he'll put his ideology and faggots in skirts before you eventually, you can't change each other and he shouldn't rule over you like that anyway
besides, the commie nonnies will go wild if you keep his in short supply ass reserved, as is evident the uncontrollable seething ITT
No. 217433
>>217431Many times I've wanted to start shouting at him about how retarded his views are but I try not to turn into him (an emotional child). I'll do that before we break up though lol.
>>217432>besides, the commie nonnies will go wildI keep thinking, how wet the emily blm (they/them)☭ types would get over him. I mean, a vegan commie actually hot tall man. Jesus.
No. 217447
>>217446I get that lol, I would not experiment on someone.
>>217444B-but I want a romantic relationship too.
No. 217459
>>217451My bf is the same. I surprised him with something he really really likes and he got me a fucking down pillow,
>because everyone needs a good pillow! Ok grandma.
No. 217472
>>217451I dont have expensive needs but both my exes knew what I was into in terms of cheap things I collected. I'm not a jewelry or perfume girl so I made it clear I like getting 2 or 3 small but random surprises. If they picked out a teddybear and it was the exact one I would've picked out… that scored points. Them knowing my tastes well was always the thing that made me happy. And I returned the favor equally. I put thought into every occasion long in advance.
If I gave a partner their gift this early I'd probably try and wrap something else up for them, even if it's super small. There's no harm in hinting that you love surprises. If he knows you don't expect anything big he shouldn't have any real reason to object.
No. 217504
>>217408black and white mentality again. no, indigenous societies were not sexually liberated heavens for women. but the introduction of marriage as we know it today into those societies made it much more difficult for the women in them to achieve liberation. you could pick up a book like "importance of being monogamous: marriage and nation building in western canada to 1915" just to name one example but that would force to face the fact that this is a common feminist talking point and not just something one anon on lc made up.
>>217408>but in reality there are lots of men out there who wouldn't cheat and instead try to communicate yes, those are exactly the kind of people i am dating now. you and the other anon can throw around alt right moid terms like "cuck" (an ironic term for feminists to use because the whole idea behind it is that it's humiliating for a man to not keep his wife under a lock and key. it's an insult born out of moid possessiveness) but many of you are also getting "cucked", just behind your backs. by no means all, i agree with you that absolutely not all people cheat. but all people are attracted to other people. i don't know how can anyone be aware of that and then decide that the only options are a) act on it secretly, b) repress your natural human feelings, c) leave the person you love to act on your attraction just to repeat the process all over again the next time you inevitably feel attraction. that's not a fair situation for humans to be in and that's how situations like the original anon's happen.
No. 217516
>>217213Smells like bait, but what the hell, I'll put in my two cents.
Since this is the relationship advice thread, I'm assuming you want a relationship with him and not just sex. Unfortunately, you'd probably just be his side piece. Men are complacent, and it's unlikely he'll jump through the hoops of divorce to be with you. Generally speaking, it's not a great sign when a guy sucks at making up his mind like this. If you want to go after this guy, so be it, but just be aware the potential risks are likely to outweigh the benefits pretty quickly.
No. 217517
>>217504The whole concept of governments and religious entities being arbiters of relationships is fucking retarded, but that's unfortunately the society we live in. You think this rando married scrote gives a fuck about how marriage effects women's agency? No, he's just probably mad his wife won't do anal and sometimes tells him to take out the trash.
If you want to protest the oppressive institution of marriage, getting into a slapfight with a married scrote and his wife is not how you go about doing it. Also i don't the anon even said she had criticisms of monogamy or marriage. She just said she had a crush on a married guy and suddenly a bunch of Ledditors poured in to tell her the food news about polyamory.
No. 217519
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how do you deal with losing your soulmate?
put something into perspective for me please nonnys it feels like i've no grasp on anything
No. 217564
>>217563same. wtf kind of problem is that?
>>217562 please give him to us if you don't want him
No. 217565
>>217562Being attractive is kinda subjective, if you're saying he's so attractive that it's ugly to you then maybe you're saying he's 'the mainstream idea of what's attractive' but he's not truly what you're into?
The guys I like aren't models, they're not uggo gnomes either but there's a happy spot in the middle where not all their features are perfect but that's attractive in itself. Lil imperfections on a cute face become weirdly cute too. That's what really gets me going.
No. 217625
>>217517>If you want to protest the oppressive institution of marriage, getting into a slapfight with a married scrote and his wife is not how you go about doing it.i don't think she should sleep with him (if she wants to) to stick it to the church or anything like that. it's just that the other anons immediately jumped to reeeing about how she shouldn't do it because it's "immoral" and the moid is probably scum if he goes through with it (as opposed to him being scum just because he's a moid) so i wanted to offer a different perspective as someone who does not care for the institution of marriage and values personal autonomy more than its supposed "sanctity". that's how non-exclusive relationships came up too - i think discussing why people cheat, why people fall out of love and how the relationships systems we have as the norm right now contribute to those things is a lot more productive than just declaring cheating to be the end of the world.
>the food newslyl
No. 217642
>>217519When I look at people around me I see a pattern where most of them had a series of long term relationships, each time you hit a point where yeah you think it's 'the one' 'my soulmate' and the majority of the time if you fast forward a few years things have changed and they're now calling somone else the-one. It's weird when you step back and look at it like that. We're optimistic almost to a fault, because come break up time that makes it sting that much harder. We planned for forever and only got 3 years etc. We fuck ourselves up with these expectations. Terms like soulmate set us up for a world of pain and hopelessness if they leave. Becuase it seems final. One and done. Can you have 3 soulmates spread across a lifetime? You can definitely have 3 big loves. I think on average that's what I see around me.
Aiming for long term is obviously understandable, wanting it to be forever if that's possible.. I get that. But I think alot of talk around relationships is unrealisitic and sets us up to think we lost our one and only person who'll bring us joy. Ime losing your first love is particularly tough because it's that much harder to grasp that you'll likely find another love and even prefer them over the last one lol.
By my thirties I'd had two loves, both meaningful in their own way. Both had value but had to end eventually. I'm hopefully going to have at least 3 loves lol. Would be nice if number 3 lasts forever but tbh each time you get a bit more realistic and a bit less distraught if things don't work out. I thought my first guy was my soulmate.. I'm not a fan of the term soulmate anymore. I'm a fan of taking time to process the loss and then knowing there's always oppurtunity for an even greater love.
No. 217652
>>207856i'm having a hard time with being stuck in my thoughts. i absolutely adore my current long term boyfriend. i've never not gotten the ick before in a relationship and throughout the duration of this one, not once have i felt repulsed or weirded out by anything he's ever done. he's kind, caring, a hard worker, and frankly i envision my entire future with him.
however, an old
toxic flame of mine who has been my off and on again friend/almost boyfriend for five years reconnected with me. we almost dated two summers ago but he dropped the ball and wasn't validating the mutual feelings enough for it to feel secure. it's been good just having someone around, but he's constantly expressed that he is still in love with me and wishes he could've done more. i care about him, but as of recently i can't help but finding myself saying "what if" despite all the shitty times and despite the fact he does some seriously irritating shit and i have gotten the ick multiple times with him (mostly due to the fact he is so self-obsessed and broody, it's annoying)
my issue is that i feel as if i'm betraying my boyfriend by having these thoughts. i'd never ever act upon them, not when i am truly deeply in love with him, but i worry that even my mind wandering "what would it be like if this guy and i were together?" is my subconcious cheating on him. it sounds stupid, but i feel so incredibly guilty for even pondering. i know emotional cheating is a thing so i've been wary to keep my guard up, but it doesn't feel good feeling this way
No. 217656
>>217625>the other anons immediately jumped to reeeing about how she shouldn't do it because it's "immoral"scroll the fuck up and tell everyone who was the first to call anyone a puritan out of literal nowhere
all any of us did was point out that getting busy with a married man she has genuine feelings for puts HER at a disadvantage, I mean damn, for all the intellexchtual fart snorting you do you sure haven't brushed up on basic reading comprehension not to mention how absolutely out of touch you are with reality
No. 217730
>>217656>scroll the fuck upalright:
>even if he leaves her for you, you would be a fool to trust he's not gonna pull the same stunt on you>don't mess with someone's marriage (you wouldn't want to be in her place) and a man who will willingly cheat on the woman he's married to is a piece of shit anway>He’s trash and I feel bad for the wife.nonna, this is relationship_advice subreddit-tier "cheating is trauma! once a cheater, forever a cheater!!!" moral panic
No. 217735
>>217730The question:
>I have feelings for a married man>I feel like we could work really well>I just like him a lotThe parts you ignored:
>he'll probably just keeps you for mistress while procrastinating his final decision>the same stunt on you once it inevitably gets normal-tier rocky between you two>Ride out your crush in your fantasies>and find someone who would keep you as his first>Don’t do it, especially not if you want to have a real relationship.What you had to offer:
>ignore the puritans lol>don't get in too deep or develop significant feelingsBasically
>>217516 was the only one to word it well and helpfully. Same points, less of the emotional language that distracts you; what a puritan prude though lol. Your obnoxious sperg about sexual autonomy and 'moidlike possessiveness' had nothing to do with anything that was asked originally. You just came here to have a good fight didn't you?
No. 217759
>>217735>Basically >>217516 was the only one to word it well and helpfully.i agree it was helpful in that it pointed out him being a moid as the potential problem and reason to be be cautious, rather than the tired "once a cheater always a cheater" thing. the language isn't a distraction - it shows the other posts were coming from a place of emotion and not logic. and sexual autonomy is relevant here because that's why i'm ultimately advising the anon to carefully proceed with it if proceeding with it is what she wants - not dwell on social mores or imagine herself in the wife's position etc. having autonomy means the anon would be an equal participant in this, she isn't automatically "used" by the guy and she can leave if she feels like she is. the wife has the agency to leave too, the anon does not owe it to the wife to sacrifice her own autonomy for her comfort. the principles of sexual autonomy are actually
extremely relevant when talking about cheating - you can't control who someone has sex with, only what you do about it.
No. 217846
>>217838The only thing I can think of is my parents are very judgmental and make me feel bad about myself (though never said anything negative about sex to me).
>Are you comfortable with intimacy and romance but not sex?Yes, I love cuddling, being romantic
Thank you for the advice. I will I was normal lol
No. 217902
>>217891>>217896Tbh I don't see how caring about a small problem implies I'm immature or not ready for life.
I'm glad our biggest problem is something small and stupid even though we've lived together since before lockdown and during the pandemic we went through a lot, got sick with covid, went through a lot of financial changes, etc.
Netflix-cheating is a thing and it affects relationships, some people think it ruins a bonding experience and they take it really personal. We haven't been able to have much fun together in the past year and a half.
But my boring job plus extended lockdown leave me without much of an outlet for my stress and so entertainment is really really important to me and I do need advice. So what's wrong with that?
I want an unbiased opinion to know if he's being weird and an asshole or if I'm the one who's not compromising.
No. 217910
>>217902Nayrt but you said you have actual arguments over a TV show. That's insanely immature.
>Netflix-cheating is a thingNo it fucking isn't lol. You're both the asshole here. You've got four options here: tell him to get over it and watch it, watch it and lie about it, watch literally any other show in existence, or get an actual hobby to occupy your time. But if a tv show schedule is putting stress on your relationship, it's a terrible relationship anyway. You're a retard.
No. 217919
>>217881Double posting but have you told him your really like this show and want to zoom through it? Have you talked about compromising with a different show to watch together? I have had this "dilemma" with my bf in the past and I decided to go ahead and watch the show alone; I let him know I was doing so. He was kinda mad for like 5 minutes and then he got over it lol. If your dude stays mad then the other anons are right and you have bigger issues within the relationship unfortunately.
I know how you feel, being so bored at work or whatever and wanting to binge on a good show to pass the time. He should be understanding and willing to """sacrifice""" so that you can be comfortable and happy.
No. 217920
>>217750Do you actually want to give blowjobs and show pleasure, or do you feel like you're expected to do these, and that not doing them makes you bad at sex? You're taking blowjobs and moans as examples of what you don't like in sex, but they're not an essential part of it and are actually objectively more embarrassing than hugs, kisses and PIV
Have you talked to your partner about it? Being on the same page and focusing together on making you progressively feel better about sex can make a huge difference
No. 217924
>>217914>I'm trying to get him to break it off with me instead.insane people can be very resilient in a relationship, he could just turn even more
abusive
>will destroy what I have if I break up with himunfortunately in those cases you always end up losing a few "friends" as they have to take sides, but it's much better than the alternative ie getting the full attention of a psycho
dump him as soon as you can. if you think he's going to dox you or something you can tell the most reliable of your friends "I've just broken up with XXX, he threatened suicide over it but I don't think he's serious about it and I feel like he's going to try to ruin my life, please tell me if you see him doing shit". this should get you at least some allies in the smear campaign that he WILL do
No. 217947
>>217920I feel like I'm expected to, but there's also some block there stopping me even if I want to. Like it'd just feel forced if I did it.
Also I think it's a bit unfair that he goes down on me all the time and I'm like no blowjobs ever.
No. 217960
>>217952none of it works like that, please just be set on improving yourself in general and go on with your life, let the pain of missing her pass on its own terms without trying to band-aid it
she'll approach you herself if she actually even wants you back
No. 217970
>>217729eh, its just this specific chick, I get along with his other close female friends, i dont know, maybe shes just awkward. Its kinda how she treats me in comparison to everyone else.
>>217732thanks, you're probably right, she might just be a bit awkward. Im a lot more extraverted than his friends and so is my bf and consequently we both stick out like sore thumbs in convo. We'll probably get drunk on nye and end up becoming friends regardless,
No. 217976
>>217902You have arguments over netflix, that's immature
you can't solve a problem over netflix without the input of others, that's also immature.
I say get a real hobby, problem solved.
No. 217989
>>217967> who the fuck wants some chick In Their early 30s. No one. Lol.I mean alot of people would say "who wants to date an asexual woman" but your ex sure has no trouble finding offers. You're old enough to know better than this incel talk
Not saying this to be mean, but if you really are an early thirties woman.. both your posts smack of arrested development.
No. 217996
>>217992what does it have to do with incels to acknowledge your dating pool shrinks drastically after 30 because most people are already in long term relationships/married? you want divorcees with toddlers or perpetual adolescents? just wait until 30
t. "late bloomer" who's actually dating over 30
No. 217999
>>217998…my way of thinking is directly shaped my dating struggles. i had a much more optimistic outlook once i got my shit together and started seriously trying to date, i didn't think it would be quite this hard. i've had a lot of success making irl friends but most of them are already in relationships. on dating apps, my age range is full of married/dating people in ~open relationships~, people who will spring up the fact that they have a kid on you way into the conversation because "otherwise you wouldn't have given me a chance" and people who are still somehow not ready for a relationship. granted, a big problem is that i have very little serious relationship experience which is something that when it comes up a lot of well-adjusted single people my age openly found to be a turn off or the opposite, were almost creepily into.
i'm not saying give up and stop trying, i'm not doing that either, but it's silly to think it isn't more challenging than dating in your 20s. people should have realistic expectations about it.
No. 218032
>>217967>Because who the fuck wants some chick In Their early 30s. No one.scrote or brainwashed by scrotes, bye.
seriously though, do you all think you suddenly become old grannies to moment you break the magical barrier of 30? what the fuck. 30 somethings who have taken care of themselves are hardly distinguishable from 20 somethings and there's more singles in this day and age than ever before and people get into marriage/commited long-term relationships later than ever before and people divorce more often than ever before, do you think all these adults think "oh whoops I've turned 30 despite being single, now I can't and won't ever date again!!!!" Maybe TRY dating at 30 before you whine about how you've lost all your value on the dating market, I swear all of you complaining about ~boohoo 30 so old and unfuckable~ just assume and have never tried. And even if it was true, so what? You can't have a fulfilling life without being fuckable, without being in a relationship? Pathetic
My fucking god you all are so fucking tragic, time to log off.
No. 218041
>>217947In the end I think you'll have to tell your partner that those things embarrass you, and that you'd like him to help you make you feel less embarrassed by them, while telling him that you're very attracted to him, that you don't think he's the problem and that it's something you've always felt with all your partners
Right now he probably thinks that you're completely satisfied and that he doesn't need to change anything, and mentioning your issues to him could significantly improve your sex life. The improvements could be focusing more on what you like, completely stopping what you'd rather not do (maybe he'd rather not do blowjobs at all if he knew you don't like them) or even just going slower with them, but only a conversation between you two will actually allow you both to find out the specifics of it
No. 218045
>>218032Cranky because your joints hurt, aren't you?
>30 somethings who have taken care of themselves are hardly distinguishable from 20 somethingslollllll
No. 218056
File: 1639788538724.png (776.66 KB, 739x793, Mary's_mother_image.png)
>>218051pic related, it's you
(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE) No. 218059
>>218057she a thot and most of the group is guys cuz we play games together. But all she plays is tetrio (tetris)
"oh yeah she cool"
but me and my bf along with two of our best buds hate her cuz she will say shit like "disgusting" under her breath when she sees us together. A part of me just wants to catch her alone and kick her ass. But I'm an adult now and I gotta behave
No. 218063
>>218062in relationships with mentally ill people, the non-mentally ill party almost always has to serve as a therapist. this is near universal in my experience unless the mentally ill person extraordinarily has their shit together. and if you go without contact with people for days, you are not that kind of person. i can imagine how exhausting that is to deal with and based on your bf's response i'm guessing that kind of thing happens often.
>People with depression deserve love toonobody "deserves" a relationship, you earn that by getting your shit together and having it together
No. 218072
I've been dating this guy for about 6 months now, and we used to see each other pretty much every day (we worked at the same place), but then I moved to a different country for work about 2 months ago. He knew this was going to happen before we started dating, but anyway, my problem now is that I can't really see a future with him anymore. He wants to move to a different state that I don't want to move to, because I'd have no support besides him and no job lined up. His reasons for moving are pretty dumb imo (he wants colder weather, weed is legal there, and his friends plan on moving there).
I have told him I'm probably staying out of the US for another year and he seemed ok with it, but I know he wants me to come back asap. When I return to the US, I see myself moving back in with my dad instead of him and his roommates, because his apartment is honestly in a dangerous area and I always felt uncomfortable seeing people get arrested for drugs right outside lmao
On top of that, he is complaining about his cushy work-from-home job and I'm worried he's just going to quit because he is too lazy. It bugs me a little because I worked a similar job before that was 10x as stressful due to the massive call volume, so I understand where he's coming from, & he's said his work is pretty slow. I hate to judge him but yeah it sounds like he's lazy.
He's 23 but struggles to wake up before noon and just games really late at night.
I thought I could look past his "bad" qualities, but being in an LDR now makes me really unsure about him. I feel terrible, but I want him to be more mature, or else I might have to dump him. Now that I'm getting older I want more of a "provider" type I guess. Does this make me an asshole? lol
No. 218140
>>218097Thanks anon. Yeah I definitely feel like I outgrew him, especially being on my own in a different country really exaggerated our levels of maturity. I'm 24 and ready for a more serious partner lol
>>218103Yeaaah it was a red flag for sure haha
No. 218145
>>217286I have, my last ex. But of course in hindsight a lot of things about him should have made that obvious. He was lazy, stupid, almost always high, had casual sex in the past (red flag for me personally), etc. Men who don't watch porn do exist, they're just rare. My fiancé doesn't watch porn and I trust him, because we have similar views on it and I heard him shame it before we even got together. He's not religious either. Good luck
nonnie. Good men
are out there.
No. 218170
>>218058What you did to him was most likely really worrying, stressful, frustrating. He's only reacting to what you did. He's right to be upset and to want out of this relationship if this carries on. He has to think of his wellbeing too.
An anon was posting before, kinda often, saying her bf is autistic and they're ldr, he stops talking to her for days while she texts asking him if he's ok, she frets, worries that he'll kill himself, it was driving her mad with worry. Anons told her to cut him off already because that's not fair. You don't just get to drag others down with you when you're struggling.. and then act like they're the issue because they're reacting to it. He's a person with emotions too.
A few years ago I was dumped by a long term live-in bf when I was severely depressed and grieving the loss of a parent. At first I thought he was a heartless asshole.. I mean I was grieving. In retrospect I was dragging him down with me and I wasn't even seeing it because I only saw my own pain. I was wrapped up in myself for a loong time, negectful of his needs and not capable of being a partner.
No. 218173
>>218171He was correct to not wait several more years for me to come back to being myself again. It was not easy for me to reach the point where I understood his side of things but I'm telling you he right to leave me. Much therapy later, I can see it
Nobody asks to grieve, have depression, or any other mental health crisis, but you're not entitled to a partner so loyal that they're falling apart just to hold you up.
No. 218174
>>218032Not a mood but perhaps brainwashed, yes.
I know it’s stupid to think I’m old at my age but it does bother me a bit to be single while others are having kids and getting married like other anons said. What worries me now is falling into this spiral again. Finding someone, spending a lot of time together, planning on getting married but then whoops. Found someone younger with less baggage, see ya toots.
I don’t know if dating trauma is a real thing but I certainly feel like I have somthing kin to it. It really just fucked me up and I felt like maybe the entirety of last year they were emotionally cheating on me with this 23 year old guy. Like how am I supposed to feel about that lol. It just hurts to have my trust and heart just shatter because someone I loved said “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” and not a few months prior you were looking for rings. It just hurts.
No. 218180
>>218072 >dating this guy for about 6 months now >staying out of the US for another year >I'd have no support besides him and no job lined up >He's 23 but struggles to wake up before noonYou're not an asshole. Details like that add up to it being a pretty bad idea to move in with him or make plans around him. A year apart is alot at that age and that super early stage of dating. If he were incredible and if you were convinced of his potential then I'd get it but you sound about done with him already. Don't waste a year of your life hanging on to something you don't sound thrilled about.
And honestly, he's 23, you barely know his character this early on, you could hang on for a year for him and then find out he's been up to shit with other women all year.
No. 218186
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I think this would make a good header for the new thread
No. 218204
File: 1639849302562.jpg (57.33 KB, 900x675, miffy_and_schizophrenia_by_fed…)
There's this guy I've "known" for nearly 5 years now. We were in close friend groups. We never spoke, but there was always some strange pull towards each other. As years passed our friend groups grew closer, but we never really interacted, eye-to-eye. About 3 years ago he started looming in my world a lot more, we matched on tinder and spoke a little, on and off, about oddly specific topics he would inquire about, I would often see him in the city and exchange glances. He would ask our common friends questions about me, again ones that would be oddly specific, like the brand of shoes I was wearing or what I was planning to study after school. I've met him once at a bar directly last summer, with a friend group, he started attacking me verbally for no reason, making fun of my university choice and my clothes. It went silent for a bit after that. About 3 months later he would start looking and my ig stories daily, and liking random pictures, without following me. He didn't make an effort to reach out, ever. About a month later one of my close friends ghosted me, and started talking made up shit. The same week he posts a picture with this guy, and apparently they became close friends. I started getting extremely paranoid, because the exact thing happened after the first time we got to know of each other, my closest friend ghosted me and became friends with him, though I had no relation of that happening, or thought. Moving to present day, I am in university, and a better one than I expected to get into, I study a specific science bachelor, and he is in his second year of studies. Though our bachelors are somewhat related, its is extremely odd, but he took up a second bachelor this year and it is the same as mine. It feels like through all these years he is sucking out my entire self and taking it to himself, he now dresses the same, acts the same and even does the same study, yet our interactions have been nothing more than a couple hours messaging on tinder, an hour at a bar, and a couple direct interactions of social media. It gives me chills, every time I think of it. It's an odd parasocial relationship, and I do not know what to make of it. Any insight to this?
No. 218208
File: 1639850338910.jpg (100.65 KB, 362x328, 1639694188220.jpg)
How do I know if someone is flirting or just very friendly? There's this guy i'm really good friends with and he's so sweet and kind, let's just say i never thought it was possible for a moid to go beyond decent. He's so charitable, nice, and caring to everyone, not just me. I could say a lot of great things about him. Sometimes though, when we hang out, he says stuff that sounds like flirting to my ears. Idk if it's because i like him romantically I interpret it like that. He recently got a girlfriend and I thought it would stop. It hasn't. Which is what makes me think maybe it has never been flirting. But idk. A few examples, a few days ago i called myself a self-depracating name, he agreed but then said to not worry because I was his [insert self-depracating name here]. Probably a joke? I've also never had a close friend so i can't tell if this is something friends joke about honestly. I was going out of town so told him about it and he said I would be in his heart. Which sounds really corny but ig I could see myself saying this to a girlfriend. But not to a guy? idk. Another instance was me joking about being something, i don't remember the context, and him saying yummy in reference to me. This isn't the first time he jokes like that, I also remember him joking about how he could just to eat me up before. honestly writing this out has made me realize he was never flirting
No. 218220
>>218209I think anon means that someone who can't be happy by themselves because they hate themselves, have low self esteem or have other unresolved issues shouldn't try to get into a relationship; they should first fix their personal issues, learn to be content with themselves and only then get into a relationship
A healthy relationship should make your life better and yourself happier, and shouldn't be what you entirely rely on to make your life bearable. Otherwise you'll completely depend emotionally on the other person and will try to stay in the relationship at all costs (think shitty couples who yell at each other all day but won't break up)
No. 218251
>>218212is it really flirting if most of it is mushy corny stuff? it's not like it's even sexual innuendos. Though from what I've seen he doesn't joke like that with anyone else. But I feel pathetic for thinking it's flirting
>>218211I don't see what's fun about it smh. I don't flirt with anyone unless I like them. I'm not sure what you mean by escalate but yeah I rather stay platonic friends than help him cheat. Which I don't think he would but you never know
No. 218348
>>218208I think the real question here is why do you care? If he isn't flirting and it's just playfulness then life goes on the same as it has been, if it is flirting then he's being disrespectful to his girlfriend and is not the great guy you presume him to be. No point in worrying about it either way when he's not made any moves or preferenced you over his partner, unless you want him to stop making those remarks. But be prepared to be gaslit as he says he "never meant it that way" and the nice guy facade breaks. People who make those kind of comments know what they're doing, and even if he doesn't actually intend to cheat he probably enjoys having you as an orbiter to bolster his ego. I consider myself a pretty good flirt and yes, I think comments like that are flirtatious especially from a straight person to the opposite sex, and especially if you're the only one receiving that treatment. I kind of do it unconsciously when I'm single but while in a relationship I make sure to tone that shit down. I think it's inappropriate and would dislike if a partner said those things to others, so I cut it off as well.
>>218251>is it really flirting if most of it is mushy corny stuff?Really easy way to tell, can you imagine him saying that "mushy corny stuff" to his bros? No? Then it's flirting.
No. 218364
>>218348>be prepared to be gaslit as he says he "never meant it that way"wow anon, he told me he didn't mean it as flirting. This was a while ago. I never bothered to ask here because he didn't have a girlfriend back then and I thought whatever. He also helped me try and figure out why I thought it was flirting and we both agreed it was because of a lack of friends.
>I think the real question here is why do you care?Because I want to bring it up again but don't wanna risk seeming crazy, I wanted confirmation others thought it was flirting too and it isn't just in my head. I want him to stop because like you said it's disrespectful and means he wouldn't make a great partner but also bc somehow at same time it gives me a false sense of hope that he likes me romantically and wouldn't be behaving this way if he were in a relationship with me, which ik is ridiculous but that's my brain for ya
No. 218453
>>218435I ended up telling him and he took it very well - no questions no pouting, nothing - just a "okay I'll keep that in mind for you :)" My ex used to get upset about stuff like this and that's hard to shake, but current bf is very kind. I shouldn't worry so much!
>>218395I'd say take that as the red flag that it is and bounce. It's not just the drinking to excess, it's the fact that he felt like telling you that. If it were me, and I was trying to stop drinking, that's all I would tell a partner: "I used to drink too much, so I try to avoid it now." Idk, it just comes off as bragging. Not necessarily him going "I think this is really cool" but sort of like him wanting you to know how messed up he is, if that makes sense.
No. 218478
File: 1640037487105.jpeg (29.72 KB, 540x540, 1610491903320.jpeg)
Bf is American, I am European. We currently live in my home country in Europe because I am a student and he is self-employed.
He fucking hates it here. I already agreed to quit my studies and move to the US with him but right now we can not apply for a visa due to covid. We are trying to get married asap and hope I can get a spousal visa, but again, because of covid it is all taking a very long time.
He is very miserable every day and it makes me so sad. It's not even that he misses his family or home (he doesn't even like America that much and is estranged from his family), he just really hates my country and my people and thinks I am the only good person here. He talks every day about how much he hates it here, how everyone is a eurocuck and it hurts me because I love my country. I don't know what to do anymore. I can not speed things up and get us out of here sooner. I try every day to make him happy, I treat him like a king, I cook for him and bake for him, I do every chore and I do all the paperwork and all the errands. Everything to take stress off him and give him less things to complain about, but it does not help. At this point I feel so bad about myself that I am making him be here for me and that being with me is not enough to make him happy. Just feels like shit.
No. 218485
>>218482>How would he react if you said the same things about America he’s saying about your countryHe says he wouldn't care because he doesn't feel strongly about his own country. I think he might like being miserable and just complaining about things, but idk.
>What has he done to improve his own time in your country?We had some fun times before covid but now we are basically just stuck at home which does not help.
No. 218487
>>218478Are you seriously gonna drop your life for a man that does nothing but spit on your love, hate your place, your life and does nothing but complain? You’re going to end up with a filthy racist that is going to treat you like shit and you’re gonna leave back so many benefits on top of your youth for such a useless scrote.
What makes you think he is not going to exploit the shit out of you and talk about you like he talks about your people once you’re far from your family, stability and friends? How do you think he is gonna treat you once you drop your studies and ambition to marry him? He isn’t doing anything for you now, not even trying to make you happy, he is not going to make anything for you then.
I truly hope you snap out of it before it’s too late and you end up miserable and with nothing left.
No. 218552
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How do I get over my schitzo level fear of being broken up with? I’m okay with being rejected and I’ve had Things in the past that have fizzled out, but I’ve never been in a committed relationship, and the idea of actually being vulnerable with someone and putting months/years into a relationship with them only for them to sit down with me one day and say they don’t want to be with me any more terrifies me. The next man I date seriously I want to marry, but I’m scared my fears are actually being counterproductive and keeping me from finding anyone who isn’t 100% perfect at first glance.
No. 218594
>>218478So you
> gonna drop your studies>gonna leave your home country you love>treat him like a king>bake and cook>do all the chores>do all the paperwork>all the errandsall for a scrote who
>openly hates your country, directly willingly insults you by doing so>openly hates everyone who you grew up with and everyone who shaped you as a person, again directly insults you by doing so>calls everyone in your surroundings eurocucks, again again insulting you>makes you fucking miserable, appreceites NOTHING you do for him>doesn't even LIKE the country he's baiting you to move toand on top of that you wanna marry this man asap? please get some fucking self respect, truly pathetic. Don't marry or drop your studies for this miserable piece of trash who appreceites nothing you do for him, don't be a fucking idiot.
No. 218597
>>218478It honestly surprises me how some women waste so much energy on scrotes like this, i will never get it.
>Absolutely shitty moid with obvious redflags>"And I'm going to marry him asap!"Every . fucking . time
No. 218615
>>218597She already types like someone with really low self esteem, she probably can't fathom leaving him as he likely provides her with a tiny amount of validation. The irony is that breaking up with him is less painful in the long term and could likely save her future from being a bleak one.
Men's actions follow common patterns and I predict as soon as he gets to the US, he changes for the worse since he's in his home and she's vulnerable, so she
has to put up with whatever he gives her.
All the worst aspects of a man intensify after marriage. If he was miserable supposedly because your countrymen are just so awful, what will be his excuse when he's still a miserable turd in his home country? The blame will be put on YOU.
No. 218782
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>>218777>someone I met online so he has to drive at least 5+ hours to see me, should I let him stay over at my place? I feel bad if he'd had to get a hotel room and spend more money than he already has but also don't want to have sex on the first dateHe absolutely has to stay in the hotel. Nona, I know it's easy to say, but don't let female socialization get you sexually harassed or killed (don't mean to be
victim-blamey, hope you get what I mean). The bolded parts are all red flags or something that you should consider (your own feelings!). If he wants to meet you so bad, he better be able to afford AT LEAST a cheap b&b in the city. If he tries to guilt you or rope his way into your house, run like crazy. Him traveling for so long to see you is especially concerning in the context of staying at your flat. Remember, this is still a strange man — and even trusted ones end up hurting women close to them. Please be careful, have a friend check up on you by phone etc.
I don't know anything about you two, but I think that extreme caution is required.
I would recommend reading picrel at least once someday.
No. 218789
>>218782we've known each other for a few months and have hung out before in person and he doesn't give off dangerous or creepy vibes at all.
but like you said, I will try my best to be precautious and to stay safe.
I think I was mostly just worried about the social norms/commitment/intimacy part of putting out too much on the first date.
No. 218795
>>218789I understand and I hope that your relationship will bring you joy. It's better to be safe than sorry, though. The fact that it sounded like you may end up being pressured (like
>>218790 said) because of your empathy really worried me. I will keep my fingers crossed for you!
No. 218797
>>218777If you meet him then meet in a public place and don't go back to your place afterwards. Stay public the whole time (tell a friend where you are) and dont give your address out. Make that plan clear in advance and see what he says. There's a chance he's only willing to drive 5 hours because he's convinced he'll get laid after that effort.
Remember, the long drive is his choice, he can pull out of the date if that's too much. That drive does not entitle him to stay at your place the very first time you meet. It doesn't entitle him to sex or anything other than you showing up. Tbh it's worrying that a guy has to travel 5 plus hours to get a first date. Doesn't really add up as being a reasonable distance to persue someone. Sounds dodgy.
No. 218809
>>218777Nothing will happen to you and the other replies are paranoid true crime bingers.
If you don't want to have sex be resolute about it. However he will probably be very disappointed after driving five hours, but that's his own choice and fault.
No. 218812
>>218810>I'm also bummed that I can never go to that oil change place againwhy, was it an employee?
Next time someone asks you for your number and you don't have the guts to say no, give him a fake number.
No. 218817
>>218810just don't be spineless? you don't owe him anything. just dont reply to the texts and keep going to that oil place. if he hassles you just tell him you're not interested.
everyone on this board always goes "yeah fuck scrotes they're so dumb and expendable!!" and then act like this when interacting with men irl
No. 218818
>>218810If you happen to bump into him irl again just pretend you have no memory of him.
>>218809>>218817Smells like balls in here
No. 218826
>>218552Radical acceptance. It's a deeper topic that not only touches on relationships but your whole life. Unfortunately, bad shit happens
nonny. People who have been with a partner for 10+ years get broken up with all the time, or maybe everything is fine but one day their partner has a freak accident and dies. You have to live in every moment and try to cherish what you have now because it's true, tomorrow it might be gone. But stressing over that thought ironically takes away from the pleasure you could have in the present. The only thing/person you have 100% control over is yourself, so you have to work on how you process negative events rather than trying to ensure they never occur, because you'll be fighting an impossible battle. Learning about and practicing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) can be a good starting point because it helps you process stressful things in a measured and healthy way rather than self destructing/letting things completely derail you.
No. 218948
>>218552My first major break up blindsided me. I thought my whole life was over. I thought he'd fill my thoughts forever. It was sudden and felt soul destroying. My second one was infinitely easier lol. You survive. People with kids or long marriages make it through divorce all the time and life carries on afterwards. Sometimes you just need to experience a major heartbreak and come out the other side again to realise how resilient you are.
Other anon gave good advice, having an intense fear of abandonment is often a bpd thing so dialectical behavioural therapy is the go to for that. It's helpful to anyone with even some traits like that. It helped me through a time when I was just anxious and sensitive. Look up 'Dbt workbook' as a starter. There's usually free downloads of it floating around online.
No. 218987
>>218977Nta but this isn't normal no matter your sexuality. Yes you don't stop having eyes when you're on a relationship, you can see people and find them attractive, but to act on it is a different thing. And flirting is acting on it cause you're leading other people on.
Let's say you're in a relationship and you find someone else attractive and flirt with them, and they like you back and start flirting back, and then what? You've created this dynamic and now are you just gonna keep building up some weird unresolved sexual tension for no reason?
And no matter however you feel about it, the fact is that other people immediately jump to the conclusion that you don't respect your significant other. So even if you do your mental gymnastics to sleep well at night, literally everyone else thinks you're making an ass out of your SO.
Also lol at the most classic of copes:
>hurr durr my relationship is so strong that he can (insert shitty ass behavior here) and it's still totally completely fine istg No. 219007
>>218991>acting on it would be sleeping with her (without the gf's knowledge)Anon polys are the exception, not the rule. Normal people outside of your little circle of poly friends do think you're making an ass out of your SO. And clearly many anons itt agree that this shit is disrespectful.
You're extremely sheltered if you think most gay people outside of your little poly circles allow their SO to do shit like this.
And this isn't an issue of trust, if anything you trust your partner not to flirt with randos, and if they do then you dump their ass.
OP is being a fucking nun and even then this is an issue for her, she becomes confused. I know if someone I was sexually attracted to was flirting with me I wouldn't be a nun like OP, I would assume they don't give a fuck about their SO, and if I just wanted a fuck I'd flirt back harder and build up the sexual tension. They flirted first so they can't even even tell me to back off cause I'm just doing the same.
Leading people on for no reason is just stupid for everyone involved.