>How long have you been consciously celibate for?3 months
>What made you decide to go celibate?I became celibate because I’ve experienced, time and time again, what it feels like to be in relationships where my boundaries around sexual integrity and respect were ignored, dismissed, or outright betrayed. I once naively believed in full emotional and sexual exclusivity (for both sexes) not just in body, but in desire and attention.
In my most recent (likely the last) relationship with a man, I was clear about what I needed to feel safe, respected, and truly loved: no porn, no thirst-following, no secret lusting after other women online. I tried to pre-empt this problem I’ve had with many men, by communicating my no porn boundary early, transparently, and gave my partner the freedom to walk away if that wasn’t something he could honour. He chose to stay, he agreed and then broke those promises again and again. He never admitted anything, I’d always have to play detective to find his pathetic lusting, and every time he excused himself and made me out to be a prude.
I gave everything. I was adventurous, present, loyal, and sexually devoted. But no amount of love, trust, or passion was enough to stop him - or ANY previous partners - from objectifying other women behind my back. I was grieving betrayal after betrayal while being gaslit into thinking my pain was overreaction. I was left feeling like a placeholder, or even a fleshlight, while the real focus of their arousal lived on their screens. He would screw his eyes shut during sex, or do me from behind. God knows what porn scenes he was replaying in his head. After 2.5 years and constant betrayal, sex became a chore and he would complain how it wasn’t like it was at the start. Well yeah, you ruined it you asshole.
Worst of all, I carried the emotional labour of his lust, dishonesty, and guilt. I had to cry, explain, beg, forgive. Even after the most vulnerable, painful moments (including an abortion on my own birthday) he watched porn and I was still expected to tolerate the same disrespect. Somehow, he always had an excuse like (“I was struggling about the abortion too!” “I don’t know what that is, I never watched that”) and I was always supposed to understand.
But I’ve come to understand something too: I don’t need to settle for a version of intimacy that breaks me. I don’t want to hand my bod
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