No. 437303
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I feel like i'm dealing with it well after a while minus being completely unable to love/ not be extremely cynical about all people (or to stop excessively drinking to socialize?)? My mom and friends keep telling me it'll go away " when i meet the right man" but I feel like that "right" man doesn't exist and isn't worth pursuing, i just feel like every man will only ever see my body and how they can take advantage of it
No. 437886
I feel so sad. Growing up, my dad sexually abused me. Even though I didn't recognize what it was I knew that he scared me and made me nervous. Instead, I used to fantasize about male characters and celebrities being my dads. I have this celebrity who I've been a fan of as a kid. Since I've been a fan since I was young I feel like I've really had him through it all, these father figures have been my safe space because I knew they'd never hurt me. I talked to a counsellor a while ago and she said this was my coping mechanism, a way to forge a safe space with my limited resources. I got emotional a few days ago, because one of my father figures was explaining something the way a teacher would, and I wished so bad he could just take care of me.
I always used to imagine being in the universe of my favorite shows. Everyone would love me and act like my family, and I'd disclose the abuse to someone and they'd comfort me. I dreamt of this so much. I lived in my daydreams.
I also used to watch CSA awareness videos on YouTube. They'd always end with the abuser being removed from the child, and I'd long for that to happen, but since he's my dad it didn't.
I wish this didn't happen. I have very bad parental issues now. I get attached to my friends' moms (my mom didn't sexually abuse me, she's just distant, and she wouldn't believe me if I disclosed about my dad). I used to dream that I'd get a step mother to do girly mom and daughter type stuff with. I even made up this universe in my head where I had a new mom and dad. I'm scared all the time of men raping me. As a kid I clung to girls braver than me and even now I want someone to keep me safe. I can't hate my dad because he's my dad. And the truth is what happened is not objectively as bad as some stories, he didn't rape or molest me. So I feel like I'm overreacting or faking, maybe even crying over nothing. But he scares me. I don't know how I can escape him. I know even if I do, I'll miss him. That's the part I hate.
No. 439483
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does anyone here feel like they have a fucked up view of their own sexual orientation because of the sexual abuse you've suffered? i worry that the reason why i don't find men arousing is because i've been coerced, assaulted, molested, raped, you name it, by them in my life and since women obviously never did any of those horrible things to me, that THAT'S why i find them arousing instead. but then i hear stories about men who were raped by other men and then wonder if the reason why they like men was also because of what happened to them and they wonder if their orientation is even real, if that makes sense.